Chris sat at a small table, his left hand holding his cell phone up to his ear while his right used his fork to push the rest of his dinner around on his plate. The restaurant was nearly empty so he wasn't worried about disturbing other people. Though, it was to be expected. It was five o'clock on Christmas Eve.
"No, Mom. I won't be home for Christmas," he said. "It just doesn't feel right. Not with everything that's happened."
"I understand," his mom replied quietly.
He knew she really meant it, but he also knew she was slightly disappointed. This was supposed to be the first Christmas in a couple of years they were all going to be home with their families for the holiday. At least that'd been the plan until a week ago when that went out the window.
"Why don't we come up there and join you?" she suggested a moment later, her voice keeping him from letting his mind wander.
Chris's eyes immediately went to the small TV that hung from the ceiling in the far corner of the restaurant. The news was on and a newscaster was currently standing on the Brooklyn bridge with wind and snow whipping her hair all over the place, reporting about the snowstorm that had blow into town and extended into the majority of the northeast. His mother and sisters in Pittsburgh would be getting some of it and would just end up driving into the worst of it if they tried to meet him here in New York City.
"No," he said at last, returning his gaze to his mostly eaten dinner. "You guys stay where you are. It's too dangerous out now."
"Are you coming for New Year's?"
Chris sighed, setting his fork down on his plate. "I don't know, Mom. It depends what happens with..."
"I know," she said. "It's just..." She paused briefly before continuing. "The girls really miss you. We all do."
Chris pinched the bridge of his nose, his eyes burning with unshed tears. "I miss you guys too," he whispered. "I just can't leave yet."
"You'll keep me updated, right?"
"Of course." He straightened in his chair and cleared his throat. "I better let you go. You need to go eat so you can get to that party."
"You take care of yourself, and don't hesitate to call if you need something," she said, and he almost smiled at the firm tone she used.
"I won't," he promised.
"Merry Christmas, Chris."
"Merry Christmas."
Chris hung up the phone, sighing heavily as he let his head drop so his chin was almost resting on his chest. He'd had some crappy holidays, but he was pretty sure this was by far the worst. His heart ached to be with his family, but he also wouldn't leave the people who'd become a second family to him.
The thought of which propelled him to move. He'd gotten his break, having walked to a local place that was still open and serving dinner. But now he was ready to go back and offer what support he could. It wouldn't be much and wouldn't change anything they'd all experienced in the last week, but he kept telling himself that things couldn't get any worse if he was there to watch out for everyone.
He pulled out his wallet and left several bills on the table, covering the bill and providing a generous tip to the waitress that'd served him. She saw that he was getting up from where she was cleaning a nearby table and started to move towards him, but he waved dismissively.
"I don't need any change. It's all for you," he said, putting his coat and gloves back on. He then wished her a Merry Christmas and she echoed his sentiments, giving him a smile.
As he stepped outside, his breath was nearly stolen immediately by the cold. Sitting in the warm and cozy restaurant for the last hour had made him forget how cold it'd been on his trek there. He pulled his coat tighter around himself and folded his arms across his body to try to hold in as much body heat as he could.
The walk back seemed to take much longer even though he was sure it had to have been quicker given the faster pace he'd walked. He reached the hotel they were staying at and was about to reach for the door, only to have the door push out as someone exited. Chris was forced to take a step back as the person nearly ran into him. Thankfully, the person pulled up just in time before they could collide.
"Whoa, sorry."
Chris instantly recognized the voice and he looked up to see JC standing in front of him. He hadn't realized it was him at first because his gaze had naturally been focused on the sidewalk in front of him as he'd worked to avoid the icy spots. It was clear from the heavy coat, scarf, and gloves that JC was wearing that he was headed out somewhere.
"Where are you going?" he asked JC.
"I'm taking a walk." JC's eyes seemed to brighten slightly. "You should come with me."
"I was gonna go in and take a shower before heading back," Chris said, gesturing to the hotel that was behind JC.
JC grabbed onto Chris's arm and gently tugged. "C'mon, come with me. We won't be gone long. I promise."
Chris was going to refuse, having looked forward to a long shower. And honestly the last thing he wanted to do was spend even more time outside when he already couldn't feel his ears from the biting wind. The way JC was looking at him earnestly though made it hard to say no and he found himself agreeing.
He let JC pick the direction and he was surprised when JC turned in the direction of Times Square. Knowing JC the way he did he thought for sure he'd try to get as far from it as possible because even though it was Christmas Eve and the heavy snow would significantly lessen the people, the lights would still be brightly displayed. They were distracting and he would've thought JC wouldn't want his attention to be taken away from his thoughts. Then again, maybe that was the point of this whole walk.
"You need some time to clear your head?" Chris asked as they walked along, the sidewalks nearly deserted on both sides of the streets. It would have been eerie if it wasn't for the few taxis that passed by every few blocks.
JC glanced at him briefly, shaking his head. "I wanted to enjoy the snow."
"What's there to enjoy about it?"
JC gave him a look. "Don't act like you hate the snow. I know you love to play in it."
"Maybe now, but it didn't always mean playtime. It used to mean three hours worth of shoveling back home," Chris said. He could still remember those days when he'd have to dig his mother's car out so she could make it to her two jobs. The only time he'd really allowed himself to let go and play in the snow was when he was trying to get his younger sisters to expend their hyper energy so they would actually sleep at night.
"Well no one likes that part of it. But this, right here. This is what I love." JC suddenly stopped. They were standing in the middle of the sidewalk, having just crossed into the blinding few blocks that made up Times Square. "Hear that?"
Chris stopped too, sighing but humoring JC as he listened. He didn't know what he was supposed to be listening for though, and he couldn't hear anything. In the distance he could hear some cars, likely a few blocks down but that was it. "I don't hear anything."
"Exactly," JC said with a smile. It looked so genuine and happy, and Chris had to wonder how he was able to muster up such a smile. There had been nothing for them to smile about lately and even now he didn't share in whatever it was that was making his friend happy.
"I don't get it."
"A fresh snow. The world always seems so peaceful and quiet with freshly fallen snow, all sounds muted like we're wrapped up in a soft padded blanket."
"A wet, cold blanket," Chris muttered.
JC either hadn't heard him or was just ignoring him as he continued, "But for it to happen on Christmas? That makes it even more magical. With all of the lights and decorations, it just brings a feeling of pure joy that is indescribable."
"Joy?" Chris repeated. He hadn't known what JC was up to, but he'd humored him. Now he couldn't stop himself from being concerned, afraid that JC was delusional. There was nothing to be happy about. The last week had been hell on all of them and here JC was acting like nothing had happened? Oh hell no. "What the hell's wrong with you?"
JC turned and looked at him, his smiling slipping to a frown. "What?"
"You're going on and on about snow and how happy you are. What about Justin? Have you forgotten about him?"
"Of course not!" JC protested, obviously offended Chris had suggested such a thing.
But Chris couldn't help but scoff, his bad mood making his sarcasm and bitterness bubble to the surface much easier. "Well, you're sure not acting like it, going on about snow and lights. It's like you don't even care."
"How can you say that?"
JC's voice was soft, but it sounded loud to Chris's ears. The howling wind had stopped and left everything truly silent, which made JC's voice sound like he'd bellowed instead of the near whisper he'd spoken in.
"Because clearly it's true!" Chris snapped.
JC's eyes filled with tears, and Chris could feel himself grow angrier at the sight of them. Not a single tear had been shed since the accident. Even after the shock had worn off after they'd first heard about what'd happened. He was around everyone, lending support to Lynn and anyone who needed it. Obviously he hadn't been happy about what'd happened. JC wasn't heartless. But he hadn't reacted like everyone had expected him to, the way he should've.
The first couple days everyone had watched him, waiting for that moment when he would finally crack and break down crying. Each day passed and each day it didn't happen. They had all been concerned, thinking that he was holding everything he was feeling in. But he'd talked to them about what'd happened; he hadn't tried to shy away from it at all. In fact, he seemed to be the one that they were all leaning on to, like he was the rock they could cling to while the rest of them were tossed about by rolling waves of emotions that would suddenly overtake them. For reasons he couldn't explain, he was mad that JC had somehow managed to get his emotions so under control that he didn't even shed a tear while comforting everyone else. It was something Chris hadn't even managed to accomplish.
"You live in your fantasy world all you want where you pretend nothing is wrong," Chris said, feeling unmoved by the tears he saw in JC's eyes. "But me, I'm going to face reality."
Chris turned on his heel, angrily walking through the snow and kicking some of it out of his way. It didn't do much because it was everywhere, but it was something else he could take his anger out on. Behind him he heard JC call for him, heard the way his voice cracked, but he didn't go back. He couldn't be around JC right now, afraid of what else he might say or do.
He launched another kick at the snow that was continuing to pile up on the sidewalk. Stupid snow, he thought. Briefly he glanced up at the sky and silently cursed God, feeling like he was enjoying kicking him when he was already down. What was a big snowstorm when everything else had already gone wrong. Not that he felt like celebrating at all anyway. It just felt wrong when Justin wasn't able to join them, and it wasn't like they had much to celebrate anyway.
As far as Chris was concerned, this was going to be, by far, the worst Christmas ever.
**********
Chris took a quick shower like he'd originally planned before he'd run into JC, and he headed over to the hospital. He made sure to bundle up again as he left the hotel because the hospital was in walking distance. They'd switched their stuff from their previous hotel for the sole reason of being close enough that they only had to walk a few blocks if they wanted to head back to the hotel to sleep or eat. They were all basically at the hospital all hours of the day until eleven when they were kicked out by the staff, forced to return to the hotel to sleep.
He couldn't believe it'd been a week. A week since Justin's accident. A week that Justin had been in a coma with no signs of waking up. It felt like so much longer, and Chris felt like he'd aged ten years in the last seven days. It took its toll on everyone, but none of them were willing to leave him.
Each of their parents had come up right after it'd happened to provide support to their respective sons but also because Justin was a part of each of their families. It was what happened with the five of them being so close and especially with Lynn and Diane having been on tour with them when they had first gone over to Germany. But after a couple of days, they'd all asked their parents to return home knowing they couldn't spare so much time off work and also feeling a little overwhelmed by so much support. Not that they didn't appreciate it, but it'd been a little too much to handle. So the parents had all gone home, except for Lynn and Paul of course who stayed as Jon and Steven were with their grandmother in Memphis. And each day that passed, their hope seemed to be fading quicker and quicker.
Right after the accident the doctors had said that Justin had fallen into a coma as a way for his body to recover from the trauma of the car accident and the two surgeries he'd had to repair the tear in his abdomen. They had estimated that he'd wake up in a couple of days given that his injuries weren't too extensive once they'd patched him up. But now it'd been a full week, and the doctors had been saying that some patients did take longer to recover. Chris wasn't fooled though. He could tell they were concerned that Justin hadn't woken up yet either, and they had cautioned them that the longer he was in a coma, the greater chance there was for some level of permanent damage. Brain damage was the thing that kept coming to Chris's mind, and it made his stomach churn every time he thought of Justin being unable to talk or sing or, even worse, ended up in vegetative state. And he knew he wasn't the only one worrying about it. That was assuming of course that he actually woke up, which could very well not happen. It was something they all feared, and as each day passed without any sign of improvement, it gripped them even tighter.
As Chris entered the hospital, he was relieved to find that the place was nearly empty. Of course there was still a lot of activity and several people walking about who were clearly there for their own friends or loved ones that were somewhere in the building for one reason or another. But there were no reporters and no fans. He wasn't sure if it was because of the holiday or if they had given up on camping out considering it'd been a week without any change. He wasn't going to question it though because it was certainly better than fighting through crowds of people to get inside the building, their bodyguards helping them push through like they were trying to leave a venue after a concert instead of seeing their injured friend. Given that he didn't even see any of their bodyguards milling around, he could only assume Johnny had told them to go home and try to enjoy the holiday with their families. He was glad. Someone should at least try to enjoy themselves.
He knew the way to Justin's room by heart, and he weaved his way through the main floor of the hospital until he reached the elevators that would take him up to the ninth floor. It didn't stop at any additional floors so it only took a few seconds before he stepped out on Justin's floor, making a right and walking down the hall until he reached room 912. He was about to walk right in, but he paused in the doorway as he saw JC sitting next to Justin's bed and talking to him. No one else was in the room, and Chris couldn't really remember seeing JC alone with Justin at all since the accident. He knew it was wrong, but he couldn't help himself from listening in.
"You should see it outside," JC was saying. "It's really a winter wonderland out there. I just took a walk in it actually. Not because I wanted to, but because I knew you'd yell at me if I didn't."
Chris frowned. The way JC was speaking it was like he thought Justin was actually able to comprehend what he was saying and would wake up any second. He could understand why he did it, but he felt like he was going down dangerous territory. The more he thought that, the more hurt he would be when it didn't happen.
"I tried to explain it to Chris, but he doesn't get it."
Even though JC didn't say it, Chris could hear the "not like you" loud and clear. He was beginning to feel even worse about what he'd said, and he felt compelled to walk in there and apologize to JC. But he wanted to hear what else JC had to say, what things he felt he could only say to Justin that he couldn't say to the rest of them. Maybe it would give him a better idea of what was going on in JC's head.
"You always know exactly what I need," JC continued. "Even back when you were just a twelve year old kid, new to the MMC set. You could've gone to anyone and gotten them to show you around, but it was like you could just tell that I needed a friend. Someone to pull me out of my shell a little more."
Chris realized then that he didn't really know exactly how JC and Justin had met. When he'd first met Justin at an audition and he later mentioned JC, he just said that he was a friend of his that had been on the show with him. Now he found he couldn't help wondering exactly how they'd met, what was said, and why JC thought Justin could tell he needed a friend.
JC leaned forward then, taking Justin's limp, lifeless hand. "And now I need you to wake up. Everyone is thinking it's a long shot, but not me. I know better. You're just waiting for the moment when it'll cause the biggest stir, in true dramatic fashion. And what's better than waking up on Christmas?"
Even though JC's back was to him, Chris could hear the small smile in his voice. But then JC cleared his throat and he could practically feel the mood shift, growing serious once more. "C'mon, J. You have to wake up. I need my best friend." JC seemed to choke on his words then, and Chris felt his heart clench painfully. "The five of us are all close, no doubt about it. But you're the only one that knows everything about me, knows all my secrets. I don't know what I'd do if you..."
JC choked again and sniffled a little, and Chris could tell he was trying desperately to hold back his tears. He didn't understand why he wouldn't just let go and let himself cry. It was no secret he was the most emotional out of the five of them, and yet he making such an effort to be strong and stoic. Though, it was obvious he was closer than he'd probably been since the accident.
"You have to wake up," JC whispered, his head bowed.
Chris couldn't take hearing his pain anymore, and he stepped inside the room, intending on pulling JC into a hug so he could comfort him. But JC immediately turned his head at the sound of his footsteps and when he realized who it was, he was on his feet in an instant, swiping quickly at his eyes. Chris stopped a few feet from the bed and frowned at him.
"I didn't mean to scare you," he said.
"You didn't," JC denied, not looking at Chris. He began to make a beeline for the door, skirting around Chris. "I'm gonna go downstairs and get some coffee. I'll bring you back something."
Before Chris could even protest, JC was gone. He blinked, feeling a bit stunned at the sudden departure...and a bit hurt. Though, he supposed he brought that on himself. Maybe if he hadn't all but freaked on him earlier, JC wouldn't be in such a hurry to get away from him.
With a heavy sigh, Chris took the seat that JC had vacated. He stared down at Justin, wondering what they'd done to end up here. Things like this weren't supposed to happen to them, especially to the one that was probably the most protected. The four of them were watchful big brothers, JC and even Chris taking on an almost fatherly role. And yet even they hadn't been able to prevent this.
Loud footsteps pulled him out of his thoughts before he could get lost in them. He looked up and saw Lance and Joey walking in to the room. Both of them looked less than happy. Actually, they both kind of looked pissed.
"What the hell did you do to JC?" Lance asked.
Chris frowned. "What do you mean?"
"He nearly ran us over in the hallway," Joey said. "He was clearly in a hurry to get out of here."
"I didn't do anything. I just walked into the room when he was talking to Justin and he bolted."
Lance didn't look convinced. "Well, he took off for a reason. So what did you say to him?"
"Nothing!" Chris said, a bit defensively. "I didn't say anything to him." He paused and then amended, "Not here anyway."
"And you said..."
He didn't like the tone Lance took with him and it made him snap. "I accused him of not caring about Justin and refusing to face reality, okay? He was trying tell me about how magical Christmas snow was and I got so angry he could be happy about something given everything that's happened."
Lance and Joey glanced at each other, and Lance sighed heavily as Joey said, "Chris..."
"I'm sorry, okay? I obviously didn't mean to say that. I was frustrated." Chris paused, remembering what he'd heard JC say to Justin. "But he needs to deal with it. He needs to be prepared for the possibility that Justin might not wake up."
"That's hard for him to accept when he feels guilty about what happened," Lance said.
Chris frowned in confusion. "Why would he feel guilty? He had nothing to do with it. It was an accident."
He remembered the phone call he received a week ago when he had first been informed of what'd happened. His flight to Pittsburgh had just started to board when his phone had rung. It'd been Lance, and Chris had stepped out of the line at once, instantly getting the sense that something serious had happened. Lance had told him he needed to come back right away, that they'd just gotten a call that Justin had been in a serious car accident and they were all on their way to the hospital.
At that point he hadn't needed to hear anything else as he moved away from his gate, running through the airport in his haste to get back to the main terminal and meet the guys at the hospital. By the time he got there, Justin had been in surgery and he'd finally gotten the full story of what'd happened. Justin had been coming off a bridge. It'd been icy and a car in front of him had suddenly turned, forcing him to slam on his brakes and of course, the car had slid on the ice and spun the car around. It'd done almost a full circle, stopping only when the driver's side of the car crashed into the end of the bridge. The result had been crushed metal that had buckled and jarred into his side, ripping a large tear into his abdomen.
Lance gave him a look as he asked, "You don't remember?"
Chris sighed heavily. "Obviously not, so just tell me."
"We were all supposed to do that radio interview, remember? But because Justin was running late just me, JC, and Joey went."
Chris nodded as the memory of that morning came back to him now. They'd all decided that going without Justin was better than not going at all. But to make it look less like he'd blown off the appearance, they'd agreed someone else shouldn't go so it looked purposeful that only three of them showed up. And since Chris had the earliest flight, they'd allowed him to be the one to skip.
"And JC was so pissed. He was freaking and going on and on about how he was going to kill him for blowing this off for some hookup," Joey said.
Chris looked at them, not understanding what they were getting at. He remembered the five of them being at a club the night before Justin's accident and how Justin had come over to him and JC, letting them know he was going to take off. He'd had a beautiful young girl hanging on his arm, and he said they were going to go back to her place nearby in New Jersey. JC had initially protested, asking why they couldn't just go back to Justin's hotel room. But in the end, it hadn't been JC's decision and so Justin had left with the girl. Chris didn't know what that had to do with what Lance and Joey were talking about, why any of that would make JC feel what'd happened was his fault.
"Okay, I'm not seeing why he should be feeling guilty."
"He talked to Justin about an hour before the accident. He yelled at him to get back immediately and that he should've just taken her to the hotel instead of going to her place," Lance explained. "So he thinks the accident is his fault because he made Justin in a hurry and maybe if he wasn't he wouldn't have slid on the ice."
"That's crazy. No way is that his fault."
Lance gave him a look, clearly saying that they all knew that but that was what JC believed. Chris was sure they had all tried to convince him otherwise with no luck. JC was stubborn and often took responsibility for things that he wasn't at all to blame for, which was especially the case when it came to Justin. He was surprised he hadn't noticed it sooner. It wasn't like him to be remiss in noticing when something was wrong with one of the guys. Then again, none of them had exactly felt like themselves since they'd gotten the news.
"I'll talk to him," Chris said, tiredly settling back against the chair, thankful for the support it provided.
Lance crossed his arms over his chest. "Chris."
Chris couldn't help but sigh at Lance's tone. It was the one that tried to guilt you into doing things right that second because it was the right thing to do. Thankfully, it was also one he was used to maneuvering around. It wasn't like JC was really going to want to talk to him anyway.
"He said he was going for coffee. I'll talk to him when he gets back."
"I don't think that's going to happen," Joey said. He'd moved away from Justin's bed while he and Lance were talking, crossing the room and looking out the large window.
Chris frowned. "Why not?"
"Because I'm pretty sure they don't have coffee in the courtyard," Joey said, turning to look at them and jerking his thumb over his shoulder to what lay beyond the window.
"What?"
Chris forced himself to his feet, while Lance had already joined Joey at the window. He came up behind them and looked over their shoulders. Even though it was dark outside, the courtyard behind the hospital was dimly lit which allowed just enough light to see someone laying in the snow. He only knew of one person crazy enough to do such a thing, the fact that he could just make out the primary blue knit cap JC wore just proved him right.
"Stupid idiot," Chris said. "He's going to catch his death out there."
"Which is why you have to go talk to him and bring him back in here," Lance replied.
"He's not going to listen to me," Chris mumbled, but he turned away from the window. He knew Lance was right; he had to talk to JC and at the very least apologize for the things he'd said to him earlier. And hopefully he could convince him to come back inside before he froze.
Chris grabbed his coat off the back of the chair and put it on as he walked out of the room. He left it unzipped until he got to the main floor where he could access the courtyard. It took several minutes for him to find the doors that led to the courtyard though, the main floor of the hospital feeling very much like a maze. He could've stopped to ask someone, but he hadn't wanted to bother anyone. Plus he didn't want them to know where JC had gone and potentially intrude on them talking.
Finally, he found the doors that led out to the courtyard and he paused just long enough for him to zip up his coat before he stepped outside.
"God," he groaned as he was immediately blasted by cold air. The wind was biting against his nose and cheeks, and Chris tried to remember how cold the weatherman had forecasted the night to be. He couldn't recall it, but clearly it was pretty damn cold.
Ahead of him, JC was laying in the middle of the courtyard which had surely been a large grassy area not too many months ago. Now though, it was covered in at least six inches of untouched snow. Well, untouched besides a single set of footprints that obviously were JC's. He seemed to be truly the only person crazy enough to want to spend time outside given the cold and the steadily falling snow.
Chris took a few steps further into the courtyard, but then he stopped when he heard JC. At first he thought he was speaking, acknowledging Chris's presence but then he realized JC was singing. It was soft and low, but here in this spot, quiet seemed envelope them which almost made it seem like he was singing at a normal volume.
It took Chris a moment to recognize the song. The original was very up-tempo and peppy. The way JC was singing it though was slow and almost halting, like the cold was stealing away his breath. He could just imagine a slow, haunting piano melody accompanying him, and he was sure something like it was currently running through JC's mind as he sang.
I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I don't need to hang my stocking
There upon the fireplace
Santa Claus won't make happy
With a toy on Christmas day
Chris's heart broke as he realized what had gone into JC's song selection and why he was randomly singing. It made him wonder how he'd ever been able to accuse him of not caring about Justin, even in anger. Listening to him sing and hearing his pain so clearly made Chris feel incredibly guilty. How had he'd let JC go this long without talking? Next to Justin, he seemed like he was always the first one to recognize when JC needed to talk about something. But not this time; he'd needed Lance and Joey to tell him what he should've known right away, to point out the guilt JC was feeling. JC internalized everything and he would take care of everyone else before he would himself, which he had done all week. Somehow Chris had missed all of the signs, but now they were staring him in the face.
As JC's voice broke on the line "All I want for Christmas is you", Chris realized this was his chance to say something. To finally be there for JC when he hadn't all week.
"That was pretty good," he said, coming closer and purposely making his boots crunch louder in the snow so he hopefully wouldn't startle JC too badly. "But I think I still like the peppy, happy version better."
"It's not a happy song," JC said, not even so much as flinching at Chris's voice and his sudden presence. He just continued to stare up into the night sky. "Sure the melody is up-tempo, but if you listen to the lyrics, it's a sad song. It was just packaged to be bouncy so it would sell better, giving the illusion it's a fun Christmas song when in reality it's just another song about missing someone you love."
Chris sighed. "JC..."
"Leave me alone."
"I think I've done that enough this week, don't you?" JC said nothing and Chris let out a heavy sigh as he looked down at him. "I'm sorry about earlier. I obviously didn't mean it. I know you care a lot about Justin. That's why you've been trying to take care of everyone, right?"
JC released a quiet sigh of his own. "I really don't want to talk about it, Chris."
"You may not want to, but it's obvious you need to. And I'm not going anywhere until you do."
Chris lowered himself to the ground, knowing he'd had to prove to JC that he was serious. He forced himself not to react to the cold snow that immediately seemed to seep through his jeans as he lowered himself onto his back. As he did, JC turned his head to look at him. Their eyes briefly met in the dim lighting before JC looked away.
"What do you want from me?"
"I want you to admit that you're not to blame for what happened," Chris said.
"But I am." Chris immediately began to protest, but JC cut him off. "Maybe I'm not entirely responsible, but he was rushing because of me. Maybe if he wasn't in such a hurry he would've been paying more attention. Or maybe he would've just caught a cab instead of borrowing her car. Maybe-"
"Maybe he still would've gotten into a car wreck no matter what," Chris interrupted. He sat up slightly so he could look at JC even though he did everything he could to not meet his eyes. "What happened was an accident. It could've easily been one of us instead."
"No because we were all at the hotel." JC shook his head. "None of this would've happened if I hadn't caved. I should've made him take her back to his room instead of going home with her."
Chris sighed heavily. "JC, he's a grown man. You can't tell him what to do. The only one that gets away with that is Lynn."
"Who also gave me the responsibility of looking out for him," JC automatically replied. He glanced at Chris briefly before looking back up at the night sky. "He used to listen to me."
"Back when he was a kid maybe," Chris said. "And okay, Lynn wanted you to watch out for him in the beginning, but that was because he was only sixteen. He's an adult now, and he doesn't need that from you anymore. He just needs you to be his friend."
"I am," JC replied immediately. "But I can't just stop worrying about him."
Chris wasn't at all surprised to hear that. Honestly, he'd expected it. It was something that was ingrained into being the oldest sibling and had just transferred to the guys as they all considered each other brothers. But eventually you had to realize that you couldn't protect your younger siblings forever, that they would have to own up to whatever mistakes they made. Not that the accident was something Justin needed to own up to. He still believed what'd happened had been truly an accident. But JC needed to recognize that Justin needed to own up to the fact that spending the night at a girl's place when they had an early interview the next morning wasn't the best idea. JC should feel no guilt over Justin not listening to his suggestion and doing what he wanted anyway.
But before Chris could tell him any of that, JC spoke. "And you all just want me to give up on him, to believe that he's not going to wake up. I can't do that. I just can't."
"We haven't given up on him," Chris objected with a frown. That accusation hurt, and he didn't believe that was what they were doing. "We're just trying to prepare ourselves for the worst. Just in case."
For the first time since Chris had joined him, JC jerked to a sitting position and glared at him. It was the first display of anger Chris had seen, and he found it eased some of his own guilt. Hearing JC speak so broken and beat down had been hard to handle as he'd felt partly responsible for it given the outburst he'd unleashed on him earlier.
"There is no 'just in case'. He's going to wake up," JC said firmly. He looked away then and added quietly, "He just has to."
"JC..." Chris reached out and put a hand on his shoulder. His concern spiked as he felt how wet JC's coat was and the way his body shivered under his fingers. "C'mon, let's get out of the cold, huh?"
Chris started to pull JC to his feet, but JC yanked his arm out of his grip. "No, I'm staying out here," JC said.
Chris let out an exasperated sigh. "C'mon, JC. I know you think Christmas snow is magical or whatever, but I promise all it'll do is give you hypothermia or pneumonia if you stay out here."
"I don't care!"
JC was on his knees in the snow, glaring up at Chris. It took him back to the moment earlier when JC had tried explaining why he felt the way he did about snow and how Chris had snapped at him. And then he could hear what JC had said to Justin back in the hospital room. "I tried to explain it to Chris, but he doesn't get it." It made him realize maybe he needed to let JC explain it to him so he could at least know where JC was coming from and what was driving him to act like this.
"What do you think is going to happen?" Chris asked. "You think an angel is going to suddenly appear and just magically heal Justin?"
He'd tried to be genuine with his question, but even he could hear how sarcastic he sounded. It wasn't the way to get JC to open up, but he hadn't been able to help it. The stress and constant worry over Justin, not to mention JC's persistent stubbornness, made the filter on his mouth nearly non-existent.
Chris expected JC to respond in anger, the way he usually did when he felt like they were truly making fun of him or dissing something he believed in. But to his surprise, any earlier tension in JC's face disappeared and he stood up so he was eye to eye with him.
"You don't believe in God," JC said more than asked. "Do you?"
JC was looking at Chris with such sad eyes, though he could see the confusion that lurked behind it. He had never once given any of the guys the impression that he didn't believe in God. And knowing JC, he was likely wondering if Chris had never believed or if he had simply stopped at some point and trying to place any moment that might have disrupted his faith.
"Not really," Chris said with a shrug. "I kind of believed for a while, but when my dad left...I had a hard time believing a god would allow for one family to struggle so much."
"Chris."
The look on JC's face was sympathetic, and Chris quickly worked to the direct the conversation away from him. He didn't want anyone's pity, especially not for something that happened years ago. "But it's not even just that. I've always believed that you and you alone are responsible for what happens in your life. I never bought that things happened for a divine reason or that God had a plan for me."
"So you think it's up to Justin to come out of the coma on his own?" JC asked.
Chris nodded. "He's the only one that can do anything about it. The doctors have done all they can; they're just waiting for him to wake up now."
"And you don't believe that'll be anytime soon."
JC's voice was sad as he finally looked away, lowering his eyes. He seemed so discouraged that none of them believed as strongly as he did that it was just a matter of time before Justin woke up. It was something Chris desperately wanted to believe, but he had burned too many times before to rely so heavily on such wishful thinking.
"I hope he'll wake up soon," Chris said, ducking his head so he could look JC in the eyes. "But at this point it's all up to Justin and how his body heals. No divine intervention is going to change that."
JC's eyes filled with tears, though they didn't spill over. "You don't know that," he said quietly. "If I just pray hard enough, God will help him."
"JC..." Chris began and then sighed. "If that were true, don't you think he'd be awake by now? I know for a fact that Justin's entire family is praying for the very same thing, and it's been a week."
"It's different on Christmas. This is the time that prayers are answered."
Chris wanted to argue with JC some more, but he could tell that he was determined to believe this. That he truly felt that things would be different come morning - that Justin would be awake and they would all rejoice, feeling alive with happiness you were supposed to feel this time of the year. And if it made things easier for him, who was Chris to argue with him?
"If it helps to believe that, that's good. Go for it," Chris told him. "I just don't want you to be disappointed when we return tomorrow and find out that there's been no change."
JC shook his head. "Things will be different. You'll see."
Chris sighed again, this time a bit quieter. He was sure JC was setting himself up to be hurt, but he couldn't stop him from believing things would be better. All that mattered was that he would be there to help him through it, no matter what happened.
"I guess we will," he said softly.
There was a sudden gust of wind and Chris shivered as it seemed to cut right through him, even in spite of the heavy coat he was wearing. And if he was cold. JC had to be downright freezing. So Chris threw an arm around JC's shoulders and was immediately surprised that he didn't try to pull away again. He wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth though.
"C'mon, let's go in and say good night to Justin. Then we'll head back and get you in a hot shower."
JC said nothing as he gazed around the snow covered courtyard before looking up into the dark, cloudy sky. His eyes closed for a moment and Chris could feel the deep intake of breath that was held for a second before being let go. Chris just stood there, letting him have one last moment to pray or meditate or whatever it was he was doing.
When all of the air seemed to be released from his lungs, JC lowered his gaze so he was looking at Chris and nodded. That was all he needed to know that JC was okay to go inside now. He still had his doubts JC truly wanted to, but he was glad he was allowing him to pull him out of the cold.
As they walked back into the hospital, Chris wrapped his arm tighter around JC's shoulders. He couldn't help feeling like he'd done nothing to make JC feel better and had probably made him feel worse. But he knew that it was only together that all of them would make it through this, regardless of what happened.
**********
Chris woke up, not entirely sure why at first but knowing somehow that it was for a reason. He blearily looked around the room as his mind tried to dislodge the remaining haziness from sleep. But as he spotted JC's empty bed, he immediately became alert, cursing loudly.
After they'd returned from the hospital, Chris had joined JC in the room they shared. They'd had their own rooms at the other hotel, but with what'd happened to Justin, none of them had wanted to be alone. So it'd been easy enough for him to push JC into the bathroom to shower and get out of his wet clothes from lying in the snow. When he'd finished it'd taken next to no time for him to fall asleep, and Chris hadn't been too far behind him.
But now it looked like JC had gotten up at some point and left. Chris had a hunch he knew where he'd gone, and he pushed himself out of bed so he could get dressed. Part of him thought about waking the others and checking if JC was with them, but he quickly dismissed the thought. He was nearly positive his hunch was right, and given the late hour, he didn't want to wake them and alarm them. If he was wrong and JC wasn't at the hospital, he would call everyone and start a search for him.
Chris quickly swapped his sweatpants for jeans and pulled a hoodie over the t-shirt he'd worn to bed. He then grabbed his room key and his coat, pulling it on as he walked out the door. The floor was quiet, but he expected nothing less considering it was four in the morning.
It took only a couple of minutes for him to walk the few blocks to the hospital, his pace quickened from both the cold and the anxiousness to see JC. Once he arrived, he went right up to the floor Justin was on and he was surprised he'd managed to get that far without anyone stopping him considering visiting hours had ended over five hours ago. Of course, no sooner had he thought that, was he stopped by an older nurse as he'd tried to slink past the nurse's station.
"Just because I'm old does not mean I'm blind," she said, looking up from the computer screen she'd been staring at. Her eyebrows were raised and her lips were curled in amusement.
"Sorry," Chris apologized. He felt so juvenile trying to sneak past, like he was in high school trying to sneak past a teacher when he was roaming the halls without a hall pass.
She shook her head. "You're the second boy that's tried to sneak past tonight."
Chris immediately gave her his full attention. "Who else tried? Was it a guy with short brown hair, blue eyes, about yay high," Chris said, lifting his right hand to demonstrate JC's height.
"Yes, I saw your friend." She began to walk around the desk and gestured for him to follow her. "Come on, I'll take you to him."
Chris looked at her in surprise. "You let him stay?"
The nurse stopped walking and she turned to give him a look. "It's Christmas. We're not completely heartless here you know."
Chris would've thought she was truly offended if it wasn't for the teasing glint in her eye. They started walking again and she added, "Besides, he looked so dejected. I can only imagine how hard it's been on you all and so when he begged me to let him stay I couldn't really say no."
That didn't surprise Chris in the slightest. For as much as girls swooned over Justin, they did so over JC as well. Part of what made Justin attractive though was his cockiness, the fact that he knew he was talented. With JC it was the opposite. He could be so shy around people that were outside of their circle, and Chris could knew that the quiet demeanor with the soulful eyes was enough to make any older woman feel motherly towards him. Lynn had been subjected to it a few times, and Chris was sure that had been the case here too.
When they reached Justin's room, the nurse let him enter first. He stepped inside and saw that another bed but smaller than Justin's had been added to the room. And JC was sound asleep on it, laying on his back with his left leg dangling off the side.
"I brought the bed in when it was clear he had no intention of leaving anytime soon," the nurse said quietly as she came up behind him. "He didn't want to lay down, but I told him it was a condition of him staying. Poor thing tried to hide how exhausted he was, but I could tell."
Chris turned and looked at her. "Thank you."
He hated that he hadn't been there to take care of JC, but he was grateful she was kind enough to look out for him. The fact that JC had already been at the hospital for at least a couple of hours had to mean he'd only slept for an hour at the hotel and somehow had managed to leave without waking Chris. Even though he knew he couldn't be blamed for it because they'd all been so exhausted ever since the accident, he still felt partially responsible. Like he should've anticipated something like this was going to happen given how JC felt about Justin and what he thought would happen.
She gave him a small smile and squeezed his arm gently. "Hang in there, honey. This is the time for things that seem impossible to happen."
Chris said nothing, but she didn't seem to expect an answer. She patted his arm once more before she walked out of the room, leaving him alone with JC and Justin. As the door slowly shut behind her, he sighed heavily and pushed himself forward to take up the seat next to Justin's bed.
His gaze first went across the room to where JC was sleeping on the small cot before settling on Justin. He stared at his youngest friend's face, it looking so innocent in sleep. It was a rare look for Justin because he was constantly moving and expressive, even in sleep. They'd used to tease him when he was younger that they knew exactly what he was dreaming about when he was asleep because it was written all over his face. So to see it expressionless was eerie and made it seem like Justin wasn't really in there.
Though, he knew that wasn't the case. Or at least he hoped. As hard as everything had been the last week, he knew it would be even worse if Justin were to actually die. There were no signs that was going to happen, but there weren't exactly any that indicated he would wake up either. They were stuck in a weird limbo, doing a painful waiting game. Something that Chris was especially terrible at, and it partially explained his lack of patience when dealing with JC's delusions that everything would magically be better.
"God, J," Chris said quietly, sighing again as he leaned forward so his forearms were resting on his knees. "I really screwed up."
Chris looked over at JC once more, wanting to make sure he hadn't woken up. But JC looked exactly as he had the last time he'd checked, his chest rising and falling evenly in sleep. When Chris returned his gaze to Justin he found he too was breathing evenly, but the only difference was that Justin was helped by the numerous machines he was hooked up to. He knew what they all did, having demanded the doctor explain the purpose of each and every one of them, but it didn't make it any less scary to see them all connected to Justin.
He shifted in his seat and reached out to grab hold of Justin's hand. As he did, he felt an almost crushing weight on his chest. Throughout the last week he hadn't been all that compelled to create that kind of a connection, but he hadn't shied away from touching him either. He would run a hand over Justin's curls or squeeze his leg briefly. But actually holding his hand made him feel like he could almost feel Justin, that he was there only just out of reach. He seemed more alive than it'd seemed all the times Chris had visited, looking down at him and his unnaturally still body.
Chris could feel the tears start to pool in his eyes, and he felt like then he was able to understand better why JC had gotten so emotional when he'd talked to Justin last night. But he knew he still didn't understand JC and what was going on in his head, even with what they'd talked about last night. He'd heard what JC was saying and could see why he thought the things he did, but he didn't really get it. For some people hope was something to cling to, but for Chris hope had always been a dangerous thing. It set you up so that when whatever it was fell through, you were completely crushed because you hadn't truly prepared yourself for the worst. As far as he could tell, he was a good way to get hurt. And he was sure that was one reason why he would never truly understand JC, why he would do that to himself.
"This last week has been hell on everyone," Chris said, his voice quiet so he didn't disturb JC. He wasn't even entirely sure what he was saying; he just started talking. "I've tried to be there for everyone, but I haven't as good of a job as I thought I did. Mostly with JC."
He glanced briefly at JC but immediately brought his gaze back to Justin. "Though, I've never really known what to say to him."
He and JC were alike in a lot of ways, but they were different in even more ways. Often times Chris would try to talk to him, but he never felt like he really got through to him. Sure he would give him advice or tell him what he thought without even being asked. But the deep, meaningful conversations had always gone to Justin. It had always been that way, like Justin was the only person JC felt truly comfortable showing his vulnerability to. Chris had always thought it was weird, that it should be the other way around given their age difference. Over the years though, he'd come to accept that was just how it was and chalked it up to it just being a mysterious facet of their friendship. Now though, he couldn't help but wonder if it somehow stemmed back to whatever was going on with JC when Justin had first approached him back on the set of the MMC.
"I always thought I was the one who held us all together." Chris looked down at Justin's hand, unable to look him in the face anymore. "But now I know it was you."
They were all friends and they had all bonded with each other, but it was different with Justin. He could be goofing off with him and Joey, going out to clubs, and telling bad jokes. With Lance they had initially bonded over being the youngest and unable to participate in the same activities Europe had to offer as the rest of them, but now he could talk business with Lance and give him some honest feedback over his ideas. And JC...it wasn't until last night when Chris had been confronted with how bad JC was that he'd really realized how much Justin did for JC. He seemed to offer a kind of stability that JC needed, allowing him to share whatever he needed to with him whether it was music, ideas, or just how he felt. Chris was sure that JC didn't share half as much with them as he did with Justin.
"So you have to come out of this. Everyone misses you, and we need you to wake up."
Chris could feel the tears in his threatening to fall, and he released the hold on Justin's hand so he could quickly swipe at them. Once he was sure he had them under control, he let his hand fall onto Justin's bed. Then he glanced over at JC once again and was unsurprised to find that he was still sleeping. Even though he hadn't paid much attention over the last week, it'd been obvious last night that he was as exhausted as the rest of them. None of them had really slept much since the accident, and he imagined that wouldn't change any time soon.
Something brushed against his hand, and he nearly jumped out of his skin as he looked to see what it was. His heart stopped when he saw that it was Justin's hand that it was moving, his fingers twitching. Heart pounding, Chris leaned in closer and watched as Justin's face twisted like he was struggling to return to consciousness.
"C'mon, J," Chris said, quietly encouraging him. His voice was barely above a whisper, almost afraid if he was any louder that this moment would somehow end.
The struggle lasted a few more seconds before Justin's eyes finally opened. Almost as soon as they were open, they widened and he began to choke on the tube that had been fed down his throat days ago. He looked completely panicked, and Chris reached out for his hand to soothe him even as he hit the call button on the side of the bed repeatedly.
"Shh," he gripped Justin's hand tightly. "It's okay, J. Don't fight it. Someone will take it out in a second."
Chris sensed movement and he looked up, seeing that JC was on the other side of the bed where he was running a hand through Justin's curls. He was kind of surprised he'd heard Justin given how deeply he'd seemed to be sleeping, and it made him wonder if JC had been awake the entire time after all and just feigning sleep. But he would've known if he had because JC had always been terrible at it. The only thing that could explain it was that he just somehow heard Justin's cry through his sleep when he'd been unaffected by Chris's voice.
As if JC could sense that he was staring at him, he looked up and met his gaze head on. Even though the words weren't actually said, Chris could practically hear the words "I told you" that lingered between them. He normally didn't take it well when someone said that to him, but he couldn't bring himself to care this time. How could he when it meant that Justin was finally awake?
A couple of nurses and the doctor came rushing in then, and both he and JC were forced to let go of Justin to step away and allow for the professionals to have room to work. Chris could see how anxious JC was to return to Justin's side, but he remained out of the way. It was something Chris could understand, but all he really felt right then was relief...and a pure feeling of happiness that he hadn't felt in a long time. Whatever the doctors said didn't matter - Justin was alive and awake. Anything else they could deal with.
**********
It was early afternoon, and the mood was considerably lighter than it'd been in days. Chris was sitting in the chair he'd been in when Justin had finally come out of the coma, and he watched in amusement as JC fretted over Justin much like Lynn had when Chris had called her over to the hospital. Lance and Joey were fighting over the remote to the TV that hung from the ceiling across from Justin's bed, ignoring Justin when he would protest to them flipping past something he wanted to watch.
"There," JC said after giving Justin's pillow one last fluff. "How's that?"
"Good," Justin replied. He gave JC a smile. "Thank you."
While the smile was genuine, Chris could tell that it wasn't quite as bright as you would expect. He knew Justin appreciated what JC was doing and the way everyone was fussing over him, but he could also see he was trying hard not to let it annoy him. For having been in a coma for a week, there had been no lasting damage. Thankfully. But that also meant that Justin wasn't quite as willing to be babied as he would be if he felt worse. Not that Chris wished for that - he'd much rather have Justin be okay with just needing to focus on allowing his physical injuries to heal. It was easier to pretend they all hadn't been through hell the last week that way too.
JC glanced over at the door. "I wonder what's taking Lynn so long."
Lynn and Paul had left about an hour ago saying that they were going to get some things together so they could all celebrate Christmas together. Johnny had gone along with their bodyguards to assist in picking up food and presents. After all, none of them had been in much of the Christmas spirit with Justin in a coma so they hadn't prepared much at all the past week.
"She's probably trying to make sure everything will be perfect," Joey said, looking at him briefly before returning his attention to the TV. "You know how she is."
"And she's probably trying to come up with something for him to open because you know the real gifts are back in Memphis," Lance added.
JC nodded, shifting his weight and fidgeting with his hands. "She'll probably be back soon. I should go get hot chocolate for everyone so we're ready to go when she gets here."
Chris shook his head in amusement. With how excited JC was that Justin was awake, he seemed completely unable to remain still. It was like he was resuming the job he'd taken on in the last week, and Chris suspected he still needed the distraction to keep himself from completely dealing with everything he was feeling. He was still kind of reeling himself. Insanely happy of course, but it was such a huge change to what he'd been feeling the last week.
He also knew that JC shouldn't go out alone, just in case he needed someone. Besides, he'd probably need a pair of extra hands given the number of drinks he would need to buy for all of them. So he kicked Joey's chair and thankfully Joey seemed to catch on immediately to what he wanted him to do.
"I'll go with you," Joey said, getting to his feet as he grabbed his coat that had been slung over the arm of the chair he'd been sitting.
JC pulled on his own coat and the two of them left the room. Once they were gone, Justin immediately turned his head and looked at Chris. "Can I get a little help here?" he asked.
Chris knew what he was talking about and couldn't help but smirk. "No way. You look like you're handling it fine on your own."
Justin sighed, tilting his head back against the pillows. "It's bad enough my mom is hovering, but him too?"
Lance turned off the TV and turned in his chair so he was facing them better. "You have to cut them some slack. We were all so worried about you."
"I know," Justin said, looking very tired all of the sudden. With how lively he'd been the last few hours, Chris had to remind himself that it hadn't even been twelve hours since he'd come out of the coma. "And I'm sorry. I hate that you guys went through that."
"It was an accident," Chris said.
Lance nodded. "Yeah, we're just glad you're okay."
"Me too."
The look on Justin's face told Chris that he was all too aware of how bad things could've been. Of course they hadn't been good, but as horrible as the coma had been it technically could've been worse. And they were all so thankful it hadn't been.
Chris was going to suggest that Justin go to sleep for a bit as he looked like he was already on his way there. But before he could say anything, Lynn and Paul came walking in with Johnny and all of them were carrying various boxes of food and some small gifts. Justin immediately perked up, trying to shift himself so he was sitting more upright. Chris was concerned that he was pushing himself too hard given that he'd just woken up a few hours ago, but he knew Justin wasn't going to deny his family this. And he was sure he wanted it himself too.
Lance got up to help distribute the food and figure out how best to lay it out given the small size of the room. Chris continued to watch Justin, looking for any sign that he wasn't up for this. But of course he seemed much more bright eyed than he had a minute ago.
Justin seemed to feel his gaze on him because he looked away from where he was watching Lynn set up food on the cot JC had slept on to give him a weird look. Chris just shook his head to let him he wasn't thinking about anything he needed to worry about. He actually was going to say something, try to crack a joke to assure him nothing was wrong, but Lynn cut in before he could even come up with anything.
"Christopher, get over here and make yourself useful," she said.
Justin laughed, which had been Chris's intent so he didn't mind that it was directed towards him. He actually added to it by jumping up from his seat as he quipped, "Yes, ma'am."
It was in the middle of them going through the food and providing Justin with a small plate that Joey and JC returned with a couple to-go carriers filled with cups of hot chocolate. Justin turned the TV back on and ended up turning on A Christmas Story, and the collective mood was much more festive and lighthearted than it'd been. It was a huge relief and quite honestly the best Christmas present - to have Justin awake and okay all things considered.
Chris sought out JC and offered him a smile, one that was returned. He knew that they all had a bit of adjusting to do, but it'd seemed the worst was over. JC's insistence to believe in God and miracles had certainly seemed to pay off. He still wasn't sure if it was enough to make him believe it was divine intervention rather than coincidence, but he realized faith wasn't just limited to religion. He should've had faith in JC, faith that he wasn't delusional and that he was dealing in the best way he knew how.
Having faith in his friends was definitely something he could do, and honestly, wasn't that the best kind?