1996

Drowning was the only way she could describe it.

If anyone were to ask the teenager how she felt at that exact moment, standing at the departure gate with her boyfriend right before he boarded a plane to Sweden indefinitely, she would tell them she felt like she was drowning.

She was swimming in a sea of emotions and, even though she tried to put her feet on something substantial, there was nothing there. Just wave after wave of sadness, dread, and the impending loneliness of life without him crashing over her head as she fought to stay above the water.

She was drowning while everyone around her kept breathing, and they all thought she was breathing too.

But she wasn’t.

Her boyfriend, her best friend, and her whole world was flying around the globe, and there wasn’t an exact timeline for his return. They were both young; him, twenty, and she, eighteen - yet she knew he was the love of her life.

“You swear that you’ll write?” She almost whispered, trying to hide the pain in her voice. It was easier to speak without looking at him, so she buried her face in the front of his Orlando Magic’s jersey, pressing her cheek against the beating of his heart and letting his scent fill her.

Speed stick deodorant, fresh laundry, and pepperoni pizza.

What if she forgot what he smelled like while he was away? Alternatively, worse – what if he forgot about her?

Brimming tears threatened to overflow, so she wrapped her arms around his waist, hugging him tight because she didn't know what else to do.

“Babe,” He returned her embrace, nuzzled his face in her dark curls and kissed the crown of her head, “I’ll make sure you have a letter every day.”

“You won’t forget me, will you?” She squeezed her eyes shut, fighting back the tears that suddenly spewed from her eyes at the terrifying thought.

“Hey.” He took her by the shoulders and captured her reluctant gaze. “Don’t be a doofus girl. I’ll be counting every minute it takes for me to get back to you.” He smiled softly, reassuringly.

She tried to return the smile, but it was a weak attempt. She wanted ardently to believe him, but she couldn’t shake the unease creeping over her.

They stood there blankly for a moment before his voice broke the silence.

Stroking her hair, he began to sing her favorite song softly. “So, kiss me and smile for me...”, He leaned in and pressed a gentle kiss against her lips, “...tell me that you’ll wait for me…”
 
He grinned against her mouth, and this time, she couldn’t help but return the smile in full. “How can you be such a cheeseball right now?”

“You are gonna wait for me, right?” He asked, sounding like he already knew the answer but needed to hear her say it.

She sniffled, brushing the tears from her cheek with the sleeve of her blue flannel shirt.  “Of course.”

“Then there’s nothing to be sad about, babe.” His hands came to her face, he cupped her cheeks in his hands and touched his forehead to hers. “The guys and I will be so busy working on the album, touring, and promoting...”

“...and I’ll be buried under piles of homework, becoming a brilliant surgeon.” She added.

He nodded. “I’ll be back before you know it.”

Before she could respond, his bandmate, Justin appeared behind him.

“C! Wrap up your farewell make-out sesh and come on.” He tugged his friend’s elbow. “We’re about to board.”

Reaching for her hand, he pulled her into a final embrace. “I’ll try to find a way to call you as soon as we land.”

“I’ll be by the phone.” One more time, she breathed in his familiar scent and closed her eyes, willing the present precious moment to last for just a little longer. The world around them faded. It was just the two of them at that moment, but it was over much quicker than she wanted.

He hesitated before he let her go, picked up his bag, and slung it over his shoulder. “Take care of yourself, babe.” He ruffled her hair and turned away before she could respond.

Before he got too far, he turned back to her. “I could never love anyone the way I love you – remember that, Courtney.” He gave her one last smile.

She could feel the tears beating at the back of her eyes again, but she mustered a smile of her own. “I love you too, JC.”

May 2003
Orlando, FL

The car ride from the airport was uncomfortably silent. Courtney looked out the passenger side window as the streets rushed by and JC concentrated on the road in front of them. The tension between the two of them was palpable from the moment she stepped out of the airport and saw him waiting for her by the curb. He was too busy working on his upcoming solo project to fly out with her for her graduation from Duke University’s medical program, so she was genuinely shocked that he’d even remembered to pick her up from the airport. Still, the quiet anger and resentment made it hard for her to even feign happiness to see him.

“I wanted to be there, Court.” Sliding a glance in her direction, JC finally spoke.

Courtney kept her gaze fixed on the buildings passing by. “You always want to be there, but when are you, Joshua?” She responded, bitterly.

“C’mon, Courtney, that’s not very fair.” They came to a stop at a red light, and he reached for her hand, but she drew it away from him. “It’s not like I had a choice.”

She didn’t want to hear his excuses; she’d heard them all before. The same words uttered a thousand times throughout their eight-year relationship. Somehow, she’d managed to graduate undergrad and medical school with honors all the while making it to every monumental occasion of his career to support him. Meanwhile, she’d lost count of the birthdays, anniversaries, and other important events he’d missed for the sake of his music.

The light turned green, and he returned his attention to the road.

Courtney’s eyes brimmed with angry tears at the thought of all the times she’d fallen second to his career. “Last night was the most important night of my life, and if I meant anything to you anymore, you would have been there.”

He didn’t say anything, and she didn’t expect him to. What could he say that he hadn’t already said to her before? Another promise he would inevitably break?

After he and the guys decided to put the band on hiatus, he’d swore to her that he would make up all their lost time together. After she graduated medical school, they would go on a long vacation somewhere the world couldn’t reach them; they would be a regular couple for once.

Then he decided he wanted to make a solo album.

They were quiet again, the car whirring away, the road clear, the radio low.

Courtney rubbed her moist eyes and decided to pull her phone out of her pocket, remembering she hadn’t checked her messages since getting on the plane in North Carolina. She quickly responded to texts from her mother, asking if she’d made it home yet. Her parents missed her graduation, but her father was seriously ill, so she understood their position. The only person who could make it to watch her receive her degree was Lance, and he’d also texted her to let her know his flight had landed safely. He’d become one of her closest friends, almost like a brother, during JC’s time with NSYNC and she was glad he made it – but he wasn’t the person she wanted there.

“Are you hungry? I’ve never taken a doctor out to dinner before.” JC’s voice tore her attention from her phone.

She rolled her eyes and returned her phone to her pocket.

As usual, he was trying to brush the subject aside and charm her into forgiving him.

At that second, her stomach did growl, but she placed her hand over it. “Actually, just drop me off at mom and dads.”

“What?”

Finally, she looked over at him. “I don’t want to fight. Please.” Their eyes met briefly, and he nodded.

When they pulled up in front her parent’s house, he shut off the engine, took off his seatbelt, and shifted in his seat to face her. “Are we going to be okay?”

For the first time during the ride, she saw genuine concern and profound worry in his soft, beautiful blue eyes.

With that, she broke into a flood of tears.

“Don’t cry, Courtney, I’m sorry.” He took her face in his hands, wiping the tears with his thumbs. “I’ll fix this.”

Courtney cried harder, knowing there was only one way to fix their problem. “I’m pregnant, JC.”

Paling visibly, he drew back and ran his hands through his hair. “Are you sure? Did you tak-”

“I took a test, and I went to the doctor before I flew to North Carolina.” She interrupted; her voice was quiet as she wiped away the excess tears that had fallen. “You don’t need to worry about it though; I have an appointment this week to take care of it.”

“Take care of it?”  He blinked, and then his face hardened. “Wait, don’t I get a say in this? You can’t just decide that, Courtney.”

“Well, what would you suggest, Joshua?”

He sat back, cupped his hands over his mouth and breathed into them. “I know this wasn’t the plan, but we could have this baby and raise it together.”

She closed her eyes, shaking her head. “You mean I could have this baby and raise it while you’re out touring and walking red carpets with Tara Reid.” Part of her was amazed at her own coldness, her own bitterness, but at that point, she felt like the idea of them being a tiny happy family was delusional.” “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but our relationship has been deteriorating for quite some time now. Seeing as I start my internship in a few months and you’re going to be touring for your album, I don’t see there being an “us.”

His brow furrowed. “What are you saying, Courtney?”

“Take care of yourself, Joshua.” Before he could say anything further, she grabbed her bag and exited the car, running into her parent’s house without ever looking back.

May 2013
North Carolina

Courtney woke up to her alarm buzzing at 6:00 AM and sighed. The thought of rolling over and going back to sleep was tempting but seeing as she was scheduled to scrub in for surgery at 8:30 and she had to prepare both herself and her daughter, Harper, for the day, she didn't.

Heading down the hall to Harper's bedroom, she walked in, opening the curtains and letting in the bright North Carolina sunrise.

"Up and at 'em, Harp." She announced, pulling the blankets back off the sleeping girl. "I have surgery in two hours, and I can’t be late."

Harper sat up in the bed with her dark, tousled hair and sleepy, blue eyes. "I’m still tired." She groaned staring at her mother like she didn't understand where she got so much energy first thing in the morning.

Courtney smiled at the nine-year old, seeing so much more of herself every day; She wasn't always a morning person, but raising a kid on her own while working full-time, she quickly learned to be satisfied with whatever sleep she could get. “Breakfast is in thirty minutes, Harp.”

Yawning and rubbing her eyes, Harper nodded before rolling out of the bed and ambling over to her dresser, digging through the drawers.

“Do you want some help, Harp?”

“I’m not a baby, mom.” Harper grumbled.

Courtney’s smile dwindled a little. Her little girl was becoming more and more self-reliant and independent every day, filling her with just as much heart-break and pride.

"See, mom, I got it." Harper pulled out a bright orange t-shirt and khaki shorts, turning to her mother with a big grin lighting up her face.

That smile.

Just one of the many traits she shared with her father. It still never failed to melt her heart, every time.

Courtney nodded, pushing back the thoughts of him. "Good job, kiddo. Now, you've got 30 minutes, remember?" She instructed her daughter as she walked out of the room. "If I have to come back up here, Harp, it will not be pretty, kid." She imparted one final warning and set off to get herself together.

Within fifteen minutes, Courtney was showered and dressed for the day; a pair of skinny jeans and a black t-shirt until she changed into her scrubs at the hospital. She was pulling her shoulder-length raven locks into a pony-tail when her phone buzzed on the sink.

It was a message from the hospital telling her they needed her to come in an hour earlier – which meant she had about fifteen minutes to get Harper fed and out the door if she wanted to be on time.

Harper was sitting at the kitchen table watching cartoons on her iPad when Courtney came scrambling down the steps. She sighed at the sight of her child – she’d told her a hundred times that she didn’t want electronics at the table and her beautiful dark brown hair was a ratted mess on top of her head, meaning she’d skipped brushing it…. again.

“We only have ten minutes, Harp, turn off the iPad.” Courtney always tried to make sure Harper started her day off with a healthy breakfast, but reaching for the pop-tarts, she reminded herself that she couldn’t do it all.

She handed Harper a pop-tart and did her best to tame the girl’s unruly hair with her fingers before they were out the door and on the way.

On the way to Harper’s Elementary School, Harper sat in the backseat with her iPod headphones in her ears, giving Courtney the impression that she was still upset over their disagreement the night before.

Though she tried her best to erase every part of her old life after leaving JC in front of her parents all those years ago – changing her number, deleting social media, and moving to the small tourist town in North Carolina – she kept in touch with Lance. He, like everyone else in her life, thought Harper was the product of a one-night stand after the break-up that never actually happened. He would visit the girls at least once a year and, having sworn years ago to stay out of the break-up between his two friends, promise Courtney he would never tell JC that they stayed in touch. This year, though, instead of visiting them he’d offered to let Harper come stay with him in LA for a few weeks during the summer and give Courtney a break.

She refused.

What if he and JC decided to meet-up during that time?

There was only one time she’d ever considered reaching out to him and telling him that she’d chickened out at her appointment and had the baby after all – a few weeks after Harper was born.

Labor was hard enough but bringing a baby into the world without any support system wasn't something Courtney wished to EVER do again. It was probably the most bittersweet day of her life; On one hand, she cried tears of joy to finally have her baby girl in her arms. On the other, she was swallowed by the sadness of losing her youth and crippled by the guilt. A man gets to witness his first child’s birth only once….and she'd stolen that from him.

Alone, working long shifts at the hospital, and dealing with a newborn who seemed to never sleep, Courtney spent many a night sobbing right along with her screaming infant. Deep down, she knew if she called him, he would be right there by her side to help, but she could never bring herself to pick up the phone.

What if he was too hurt, too angry, to forgive her? What if he didn't want Harper?

The fear in her heart led her to decide JC would never know about their daughter.

Harper wanted so badly to spend the summer in California, but she didn’t understand why her mother wouldn’t let her go.

She never would.

June 2003
Orlando, FL

JC tossed and turned in the sheets, restless, and unable to sleep. Usually, he had no trouble falling asleep; often passing out as soon as his head hit the pillow. But, slmost a month had passed since she left, and he couldn’t remember the last time he’d had a decent night’s sleep.

If he closed his eyes and concentrated, he could almost feel her breath on the back of his neck, her lips brushing so softly that a tingle went down his spine. He could feel her arm wrapping around his waist, holding him as they drifted off to sleep.

He could feel her, imagine her so vividly, and was surprised when he put his hand there to feel nothing but his own hot skin.

He shifted from laying on his back to his side and flipped the pillow over, resting his cheek on the cool cotton fabric. Finally, he gave up and flung the pillow across the bedroom in frustration.

It wasn’t like he’d never spent nights without her before; they’d probably spent more nights apart than together, but this was different. At least then he could close his eyes knowing he was one night closer to being with her again.

On the nightstand, the vibrant green light of the alarm clock reflected 5:00 am – too early to get up, but too late to try and sleep when he had to be up in a few hours anyway.

Next to the clock, his phone lay, red light blinking in the darkness.

Expelling a deep breath, he resigned himself to reality – he wasn’t sleeping tonight.  

Without bothering to turn on the lamp, JC pawed at the phone on the wooden surface. Rubbing his sleep-deprived eyes, he strained to read the messages on his phone – all from the guys trying to check on him.  

Though they were taking a break from the group, they were still his best friends, and he’d told them everything.

Everything except the news she’d given him before she left. He couldn’t bring himself to tell anyone about their baby – it was too much for his already sick heart to contend with. It was hard enough to cope with the loss of the girl he’d loved since he was nineteen years old; it was easier to pretend he never knew about the decision she’d made without him.

He dropped the phone without responding to any of his friends and closed his eyes, expelling a deep breath. He knew it was stupid, but part of him hoped it was her finally returning the countless calls and messages he’d sent after dropping her off at her parent’s house.  

With her already on his mind and unable to sleep, he decided to try one more time. He picked the phone back up, dialed her number, and waited for the same voicemail message he’d heard during every other attempt. It seemed like it rang forever before a sleepy voice responded.

“Josh?”  

His heart seemed to stop at the sound of her voice, but then it went into a gallop. “I wasn’t expecting you to answer.”

“I wasn’t either.” She yawned on the other end. “What are you doing up already?”

“I haven’t really been able to sleep since...”  

Her soft chuckle came through the phone before he could finish. “You? Not able to sleep? That’s funny.”

“Yeah, I guess it is.” He smiled a small smile at the sound of her laughter. He loved that light and sweet sound. He could picture the amusement dancing in her beautiful brown eyes. “How are you doing, Court?”

“I’m getting by, Josh.”

“Good.” He nodded though she couldn’t see. “The baby?” The questioned rolled off his tongue before he understood what he was asking.

 “Josh, I – “ She sighed deeply before pausing; he sensed hesitation in her voice and hoped she would say she changed her mind, but that hope quickly died. “There is no baby.” She answered softly.

“Can I come pick you up?” He asked, not caring how desperate he sounded. “Just come home and let’s talk about this.”

For a moment, there was nothing, just silence. He thought she’d hung, but he heard her sniffle and inhale. “There’s nothing to talk about, Josh.”  

It felt like her words ripped the heart right out of his chest, and there was nothing he could do about it.

“Just give me some clarity, Court.” He pinched his eyes shut, tried to force out the tears that wanted to fall. But they wouldn't come. His sense of loss went well beyond tears.  “You’ve hit me out of nowhere with all of this.”  

“With you skipping my graduation and finding out I was pregnant, I just - “ Her sniffles had now turned into tears. “I want a normal life and a normal relationship. You can’t give me that – just let me go. Please.” With those words, she disconnected the call before he could protest.

May 2013
North Carolina

The hospital cafeteria was quiet. The long institutional-type tables were empty except for Courtney, two female nurses and male hospital worker, who occupied another table on the other side of the room.

Her scheduled surgery, a quick and routine procedure, had gone off without a hitch; leaving her with some free time before afternoon rounds, unless an emergency case came in – which was rare in the small county hospital. It was too late for breakfast and too early for lunch, so she decided to enjoy a cup of coffee, avoiding the stack she need to review.  

She was skimming an old gossip magazine she’d found at the nurse’s station and sipping from her steaming cup when an article caught her eye. It was a brief story about some fancy Oscar’s viewing party in LA accompanied by pictures of the singers, actors, and other big wigs attending. The photo that held her attention was like many other similar photos she’d run across over the years; JC out on the town with some beautiful, glamorous, and leggy woman. Like those other times, she shut the magazine and pushed it away.  

After all the years, she couldn’t handle seeing him with someone else – even if she was the one who told him to move on.  

A tray hitting the table pulled her thoughts from JC, and she looked up just as she was joined at the table by another surgeon in her residency program, Jake.

 “Hey, Courtney.”

He was a handsome guy; nice complexion, smooth skin, large green eyes, dimples in his smile, and the straightest set of pearly whites she’d ever seen. Tall and muscular with dark wavy hair, he was the object of many a nurse’s affection, but he’d had his eyes on Courtney since they began working together.

“Hi, Jake.” She feigned a smile, no more interested in him this time than she was the other times he’d approached her.

He grinned from ear to ear and took the largest bite he possibly could out of an apple. “I’m having a few friends over my place for drinks on Friday night.” He said, swallowing before speaking. “What time should I pick you up?”

“You know I can’t, Jake.” She sighed, recycling the same line she’d given him before. “I have a daughter, and my sitter is overworked as it is.”

“What about her dad?”

“It’s none of your business, but he isn’t in the picture; it’s just the two of us, and I like it that way.” She responded bluntly.

He gave her what she assumed was one of his most charming smiles, leaning across the table. “C’mon Court, it’s just one-“

“Don’t call me that.” She cut him off, her stomach dropping at the name. Nobody had called her that since JC.  

He appeared taken aback by her outburst but didn’t have a chance to respond before Courtney’s phone started vibrating on the table.

Silently excusing herself from the situation, Courtney stood and answered, assuming it was for work. “This is Courtney.”  

“Miss Mills, this is Mrs. Thompson – Harper’s teacher.”

Courtney stopped in her tracks. “Is she goofing off in class again?” It wouldn’t be the first time the school had called her complaining about her daughter, the class clown. “I’ve talked to her about this a million times – I don’t know where she gets it from, Mrs. Thompson. I’m sorry and I-“

“No, Miss Mills.” The teacher interjected. “Harper’s actually been very mellow today. I’m calling because she fell during gym class and broke her glasses. Do you have an extra pair you could run up to the school for her? She’s having a hard time following along in class without them.”

“I actually have an appointment in a few, and that was her extra pair,” Courtney answered, checking her watch. “Can you sit her closer to the board or something? I’ll take her to the eye doctor this evening to get a new pair.”

“No, Miss Mills, I’m afraid that won’t work.” Mrs. Thompson responded matter-of-factly. “The strain isn’t good for her eyes – if you can’t break away, could her father come to handle this?”

Courtney took a deep breath, biting her lip, so fed up with that question for the day. “I’ll be right there.”

May 2013
North Carolina

“Hey, mom, were you alive in the 90s?”

Harper’s question caught Courtney off-guard; previously, they’d stood silently together at the sink cleaning up after dinner. Harper rinsed and, as Courtney scrubbed, she’d stared at the window – her mind drifting away to JC. She didn’t like to think about him, but it was something that occurred more frequently as of late; especially after the pictures she’d seen at the hospital and the questions from Jake and Harper’s teacher.

“Uh, Harp, the 90’s weren’t so long ago.” She looked down at the little girl and smiled watching her making faces on a plate. “Why, you little cheeseball?”

“We’re having 90s day at school tomorrow and we get to dress up.” Harper answered, continuing to puff up her cheeks, cross her eyes, and stick her tongue out at her reflection.

The little girl reminded Courtney so much of JC, in more than just her resemblance. Harper knew very little about him, mostly because she hadn’t asked very much, but she emulated him in so many ways. It made Courtney happy and heartbreakingly sad at the same time; her daughter represented love given and love that didn’t last.

“Let’s go see what we can scrounge up in my closet.” Courtney was drying her hands on a dish towel when she heard a car door slam shut outside.

 Eyebrows arched in confusion, Courtney laid the dish towel on the sink and walked over to the window to catch a glimpse of their unexpected visitor.

“MOM!” Harper had beat her to the window. “IT’S UNCLE LANCE!” She exclaimed loudly before running for the front door.

Courtney peered through the blinds just in time to see Lance’s dirty blonde head pass by the window. Confusion filled her as she followed Harper. It wasn’t unusual for Lance to visit, but he hadn’t mentioned it during their phone call the night before.

Harper was already out the front door by the time her mother walked onto the porch.

 “Hey munchkin!” Lance dropped his bags, scooping the little girl up into his arms, spinning her around. “How are ya?”

“You like my new glasses?”

“All orange everything as usual I see.” Lance smiled, observing Harper’s matching t-shirt and eyewear.

“What are you doing here?” Courtney stood on the porch, hands on her hips.

“It’s always lovely to see you too, Courtney.” Lance responded, his sarcasm undisguised as he swept past her into the house, still packing Harper.

Courtney retrieved his bags from the yard and followed them through the front yard. “You know that’s not what I meant, Lance.” She rolled her eyes, playfully, shutting and locking the door behind her.

Lance shot her a wink before putting Harper down and immediately making himself comfortable on the couch. “Well, since you won’t let Harp come spend the summer with me, I figured I’d come to see you guys while I had a few free days.” Lance sighed, kicking his feet up on the coffee table and lacing his fingers behind her head. “Also, you sounded super stressed on the phone last night, so I figured you could use the help.”

Courtney crossed her arms, eyeing him suspiciously. She knew there was an ulterior motive somewhere in his statement. “I’m not going to change my mind, Lance.”

“Well, nobody’s ever accused you of being very flexible, Courtney.” Lance sighed again, staring at the ceiling. “Except JC, maybe.” He teased, raising one eyebrow at her.

Courtney gasped, and her jaw dropped. “Lance!”

“Mom, who’s JC?” Harper piped up from her spot next to Lance on the couch.

Courtney felt the heat rising from her neck to her face, and she knew she was blushing. “Lance, we were just about to explore my closet to find Harper an outfit for 90s day at school tomorrow.” She quickly changed the subject, ignoring Harper’s furrowed brow.

“What are we waiting for?” Lance slapped his thighs with the flats of his hands and grinned. “I can’t wait to see what atrocities are hiding in there.”

Irritation flowed through Courtney’s veins like a tonic as she sat on her knees in the floor of her closet, throwing bags out to Harper and Lance. She couldn’t believe what Lance had said in front of Harper and, inside, she was reeling from hearing JC’s name on Harper’s lips.

On the bedroom floor, Harper and Lance sat digging through mounds of clothes Courtney hadn’t seen in years. “Mom, you really wore this?” Harper held up a pair of acid-washed patchworked overalls, her face twisted in obvious disgust.

“Harp, we all wore questionable outfits in the 90s.” Lance replied.

Harper and Lance continued pawing through the clothes and making fun of all the neon windbreakers, Zubas, and oversized flannel shirts they could find.

Courtney was barely listening, still pulling out bags, when something in the back of the closet caught her eye. Tucked away behind all the bags and pairs of shoes she hadn’t worn in forever was one of Courtney’s old cigar boxes. Her breath hitched at the sight of it; she hadn’t seen or opened the box since the first time she’d moved out of her parents, to attend college in NYC. She thought she’d left it in her old room when she moved away to begin her internship.

With trembling hands, she picked up the worn box and brushed the thin line of dust off it. She opened it carefully as though it would crumble at any moment.

Inside were all the letters JC had written her during their tour of Europe and numerous old polaroid photos. Emotions swelled inside her chest as she picked up a tattered photograph, recalling the distant memory.  

She couldn’t remember if the photo was taken before or after her high school graduation ceremony in 1995, but she was seventeen years old – wearing her cap and gown, beaming in her parent’s front yard. Next to her, JC stood holding his arm around her waist, planting a kiss on her cheek.  

Her eyes seemed to smile as she looked upon it.

They’d only been dating a few weeks then, but they were no different from most young adults, trying so hard to grow up and not miss a moment.

“Hey, you’re on this shirt, Uncle Lance!” Her reminisce was interrupted by Harper’s voice.

Before Harper or Lance could see, she quickly returned the photo to its place and shoved the box back into the darkness of the closet.

Using her sleeve to wipe the moisture starting to form in her eyes, she turned her attention to Lance and Harper outside the closet.

“Oh, wow.” Lance snatched away the black t-shirt Harper previously held. “You still have this?” He held up what Courtney recognized as the tour shirt from the guy’s “No Strings Attached” tour in 2000.

She didn’t have time to form an answer before Harper asked, “What’s NSYNC?”

“NSYNC is the band I was in, Munchkin.” Lance answered.

“You were in a band?” Harper studied all five of the men on front of the shirt. “Wait!” She snatched it back, eyes wide. “THAT’S JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE! YOU WERE IN A BAND WITH JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE! MOM DO YOU KNOW JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE?” She looked at her mother with eyes opening wide and her lips falling apart.

All Courtney could do was stare, speechless at Harper’s reaction. She wasn’t even aware her daughter knew who Justin was – nevertheless that she was clearly a huge fan.  

“Your mom and Justin were great buds back in the day, Harpsy.” Lance nodded, proceeding to dig through more clothes.

“YOU KNOW JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE AND YOU DIDN’T TELL ME!” Harper continued, clutching the shirt.

“It was a long time ago, Harper.” Courtney finally found her voice.

“Whoa, JC was looking for this!” Lance blurted out, pulling a red and white basketball jersey out of a bag; the same one JC had worn in one of the group’s older music videos.

“Oh wow.” Courtney was quietly shocked. “That just goes to show how often I clean out my closet.”
 
“Mom, who is JC?” Harper asked again, pointing to the white embroidered initials on the back of the jersey.

Lance spoke up before Courtney could change the subject. “JC was your mother’s boyfriend until she chose this life of celibacy.” He picked up the old tour shirt Harper had discarded. “This is him.” He pointed JC’s image out to Harper on the shirt.

 
The little girl silently considered the picture on the shirt with a look of curiosity and finally replied, “Can I wear that one?” Her eyes went to the red jersey in Lance’s lap.

Courtney hesitated. Part of her definitely wanted to say no.  

Her eyes danced from Harper to Lance, but he was eyeing her as eagerly as the little girl. “Fine.” She just wanted Harper to be happy, but internally the groaned. “I guess we can tie it up in the back and put a t-shirt under it.”

“Thanks, mom!” Harper took the jersey from Lance and stood up. “Can you show me your band, Uncle Lance? Are you guys on YouTube?”

“Sure, Harper.” He also stood, taking her hand. “Let’s go pull out the ole laptop.”

With that, they left Courtney sitting alone in the middle of clothes and multitudes of confusing thoughts and feelings.

Courtney sat on her bed, trying to focus on studying for her upcoming annual in-service exam, but her ability to do so was crowded by thoughts of him.  

For what seemed like the millionth time since she’d retired to her bedroom, her mind went to the cigar box in her closet.

She shoved her pen in her mouth, chewed the end and frowned as she contemplated going through the contents again - now that she was alone.

Was she truly aching to take a stroll down a memory lane that was, for the most part, a very painful walk for her?

She put her notebook and pen to the side before taking a deep breath, letting out a long and resigned sigh. "I’m nothing if not a glutton for punishment." She muttered and got up to retrieve the box from her closet.

Returning to her bed, she crossed her legs and sat the box in her lap. She took one more deep breath and began to sift through the memories.

There were countless photos of her and JC at various points in their relationship and tattered envelopes with stamps originating from too many countries to count, but it was a photo at the very bottom that caught her eye.

She picked up the photo and reveled in it. It was the last photo they’d ever taken together, the sweet memory making its way back from the hidden corners of her mind.

Her 24th birthday dinner at her parents’ house, the two of them sitting at the dining room table with their faces covered in the chocolate birthday cake. JC had shoved her face in it when she went to blow out the candles, she remembered.. Her mother had snapped the photo, capturing the moment right as Courtney retaliated, smearing a handful of the confection on his nose, mouth, and chin in return. Both of their eyes were shining with happiness, wearing wide grins.

They looked so happy, so blissful.

Courtney rubbed the photo gently between her fingers; it felt like a life-time ago.

She wished she could go back to that time - things seemed so much simpler.

“The munchkin is out cold.” Her journey back in time was interrupted by Lance leaning against the doorframe, a glass of wine in each hand. “She finally passed out after we played a lovely game of twenty questions about Justin.”

“Yeah, I don’t know if you noticed, but she’s clearly a big fan.” Courtney greeted him, warmly.

“She also wanted to know all about her mom’s boyfriend.” He winked at her before entering the room and plopping down on the bed next to her, careful not to spill the drinks in his hand.

Courtney frowned, taking the glass he offered. “I wish you wouldn’t bring him up, especially around Harp.” She took a gulp, washing down the emotions she refused to acknowledge.

Lance’s eyes were on the photo in her hand. “Do you still love him?”

She quietly pondered the question, swirling her wine gently in her glass. Was it possible to still love someone after so much time? In all honesty, she wasn't sure how she felt about him, herself, anything.

Courtney took another sip of wine, as if she could swallow the bitterness rising in her throat. “What would it matter?”

June 2003
Orlando, FL

Sitting cross-legged on her bed with her laptop balanced on her knees, Courtney was searching the internet for a good OB/GYN in North Carolina before she was scheduled to start her internship the next week.   

Despite making the appointment and paying the money, she’d backed out of the procedure at the last minute. In spite of everything, the baby was a part of JC that she wanted to keep for herself.

Recognizing her mother’s footsteps outside the bedroom door, she quickly shut the laptop before the door opened.

Her parents, in their role of JC’s biggest fans, were already pressuring her enough to go back home. She knew if she told them about her pregnancy, the pressure from her old-fashioned parents would increase a hundredfold.

Though they were trying to be supportive, they didn’t understand.

“I think you should call him, Courtney; he seemed very upset.” Her mother walked into the room carrying a box filled with what Courtney assumed were some of her belongings from JC’s house.  

Unable to face him, her parents had gone over that afternoon to retrieve her things for her.  

“Mom, please.” Courtney groaned, dropping her head into her hands.  

She felt the bed dip under her mother’s weight as she sat down beside her. ““Sweetheart, your father and I have been married for thirty years – do you think we haven’t had our disagreements.” Her mother stroked her hair once and then rested her hand on Courtney’s shoulder. “Whatever it is, I know the two of you can fix it.”

“There’s nothing to fix, mom,” Courtney answered despondently, staring at the wall. “I just want a normal life, and I can’t have one with him.” She closed her eyes, fighting back the tears and wishing her mother would leave the subject alone.

It was frustrating enough trying to convince herself this was what she wanted without having to convince everyone else too.

“I just don’t understand what has changed, Courtney?” Beside her, she heard her mother breathe a deep sigh. “You knew what he was and what he wanted from the beginning.”

“I’ve changed, mom!” Courtney yelled, recoiling from her mother’s touch. She hadn’t meant to snap at her but confronting the truth in her mother’s words wasn’t something she was ready to do, and she immediately felt bad when she opened her eyes and saw the hurt on her mother’s face. “I’m not that nineteen-year-old girl who thought it was so cool that her boyfriend was in a boyband anymore.” She continued with a softer tone.

“Fine, Courtney.” Her mother stood up from the bed and smoothed the front of her slacks. “I’ll leave it alone – I just hate to see you throw away all those years together and give up on someone who truly loves you. Not everyone finds a love like that in their life.”

Courtney didn’t answer, returning her gaze back to the wall.

“I hope you’ve thought this through, Courtney – your father put the rest of your things in the garage.” With another deep sigh, Courtney’s mother offered her final thoughts on the subject and left the room, shutting the door behind her.

She sat in silence for a while, thinking of him – his smile, his kiss, the way he touched her, and the sound of his voice; everything about him hovered over her.

She knew he loved her and she didn’t need for her mother to say it; but as much as he told her that he needed her in his life, in her mind, he’d done nothing in their eight years together to prove it to her.

May 2013
North Carolina

“How do I look?” Twirling at the bottom of the stairs, Harper modeled her “90s Day” outfit to Lance before school: JC’s jersey worn over a white t-shirt and tucked into a pair of acid-washed jeans rolled up at the ankles. A pair of white high-top sneakers and a poofy side pony-tail with a white scrunchy completed her look.

“You look great, Harp. All you need now is a walk-man with a Hootie and the Blowfish cassette.”

Harper furrowed her brow. “Hootie and the who?”

Lance shook his head. “Don’t worry about it Harp; give me your best vogue.” He took his phone from his pocket and snapped a few pictures.

From her spot at the kitchen counter, Courtney looked up from the work e-mails she’d been reading. “You’re not posting that online, are you?”

Lance turned to Courtney. ‘Uh, yeah.” He scoffed. “Twitter loves cute kids, and I have the cutest kid ever right here.” He swiveled back around to Harper to continue taking more pictures. “I would be remiss if I didn’t share this iconic look with the world.”  

Courtney wanted to protest, but when she saw Harper standing with both hands on her hips and her face split in a toothy grin, she just sighed. “Fine, but one from the back – I don’t want her face all over the internet.” She grumbled, taking a sip of her coffee and returning to her e-mails.

May 2013
Los Angeles, CA

The sun streamed through the windows, the light playing lively on the hillside when JC shuffled into the kitchen at 6am. Outside the window, birds were singing their morning symphonies; it was a beautiful LA morning, but JC was not feeling the effects.

He’d worked all night in the studio and, when he finally made it to bed, it felt like he’d only been asleep a few minutes before the alarm rang out.

He plugged the coffee machine in and began preparing his cup for his first coffee of the morning.

While the machine was heating up, he leaned against the counter and pulled out his phone to check the news and any messages he’d missed while he slept.

The only waiting message was from Lance.

Rubbing his tired, swollen eyes, JC opened it up; curious what Lance needed so early in the morning.

The message said simply, “Look what I found,” but attached to the message was the picture of a little girl’s back. He didn’t recognize the kid, but he recognized the red jersey she wore that read his initials and the number 5.

He’d been trying to find it for what seemed like ages.

He smirked, pleasantly amused, and decided to give Lance a quick call.

As the phone rang, he balanced it between his ear and shoulder, pouring his coffee.

“Hey, man.” Lance picked up.

“Dude, where did you find that jersey?” JC took his coffee into the living room and sat down, powering on the television.

“Oh, you know, I was just going through some old things.” Lance sang on the other end.

JC nodded, taking a sip from his mug. “Who’s the kid?”

“Uh, nobody, uh..” Lance seemed to be fumbling for the words. “Uh, just a friend’s daughter. Nobody you know.”

JC raised a brow at Lance’s oddly vague but specific statement.

“Okay.” JC put his coffee down and surfed the channels on TV but turned it off when nothing interested him. “Why are you acting so weird?”

“No reason, just wanted you to know in case you thought it was someone you know…. because it’s not.” Lance laughed, nervously.

JC was contemplating his friend’s strange behavior when he heard a familiar voice in the background. “Hey, Lance, did you make sure Harper brushed her teeth before you dropped her at school?” It was very faint, but he would never forget that voice.

A voice that could still make him physically ill after all the time that had passed.

“Yeah, Courtney, she brushed and flossed,” Lance responded, verifying what JC already knew. “Shit.”

“COURTNEY!” JC exclaimed in a tone of frenzy. “You’re with Courtney?!?”

Lance sputtered, “Did I say it was someone you didn’t know?”  

JC rolled his eyes and sat back on the couch, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Are you serious, man? This is Justin and Britney all over again.”

“Why should I have to stop being friends with someone because you were a bad boyfriend?” Lance scoffed, defending himself.

“Wait, so, that’s Courtney’s kid?” With that realization, JC sat forward, choosing to ignore that fact that one of his best friends was apparently still hanging out with his ex behind his back.

“Yes, that’s the Harpmeister.” Lance replied in a matter-of-fact tone.

“How old is she, Lance?” The wheel in JC’s mind began turning like a rusty?wheel?coming to life after centuries of nonuse

“She just turned nine in January, why?”  

JC felt something drop in his chest. He did the math in his head. “Who is her father, Lance? Have you met him?”

“I don’t know – Courtney said it’s some guy she met in a bar after you broke up.” Came Lance’s nonchalant answer.

“Lance, I think Courtney lied to you.” A terrible ache bloomed in JC’s throat, swiftly followed by a tumult of emotions – alienation and loneliness, frustration, and anger. Hanging onto his composure by a thread, he scrubbed a hand over his face.  “I think that kid is mine

May 2003
Orlando, FL

Courtney stood at length before the wall-length mirror in their bedroom.

Grabbing her shirt up to her breasts, she studied her reflection.

There it was.

The Bump.

She turned sideways, marveling at how quickly her body was changing. It was weird to her – the idea of a baby growing inside of her.

It was impossible to hold back all the thoughts racing through her mind. She wondered what the gender would be? What would the baby look like? More like her or JC? Would they have her brown eyes or blue, like his?

All in all, only 10 weeks along, it was a small bump – just a tiny reminder of the life she was carrying. Though, to Courtney, it felt like ten times its actual size - especially, when she was trying to hide it from the people around her, namely JC.  

She hadn’t told him yet, but she’d only received confirmation a week ago. In prior weeks, she’d had the inkling suspicion that she could be pregnant due to waking up almost every morning feeling horribly bilious and dizzy. Plus, the obvious sign- her period was nearly two months late. They were almost always careful, but there were times they found themselves too engrossed in the moment, and one another, to be bothered with it.

She’d kept her suspicions hidden from her boyfriend; she didn’t want to stress him about anything until she was sure. He was already stressed enough, juggling the uncertainty of the band’s hiatus with working on his album. But, she was beginning to have a hard time concealing her nausea from JC, who’d been very concerned that she wasn’t eating enough.

Courtney had spent the last week coming to terms with impending motherhood, and how to tell JC.

Though she’d brainstormed several fun ways to tell him, she’d settled on something simple.

A copper guitar pick hand stamped with the words, ‘Play me a song, Dad’. It sat, gift wrapped, in the back of her underwear drawer. She was going to give it to him before they went to her parents’ anniversary dinner later that evening.

Butterflies tickled her stomach, lost in her thoughts of him as a father – JC’s hands guiding their son or daughter’s small fingers over the keys of a piano  or the first time he took the little boy or girl to a concert.

They were nowhere near ready, but she kind of greeted the idea of them having a baby with warm anticipation. Of course, things would be hard; She’d just finished medical school, and he was starting on his own new path. A baby would multiply the difficulty of that by a thousand, but she felt buoyant at the thought of them becoming a family of three.

“Honey, I’m home!!!” JC’s voice calling out to her from downstairs snapped her out of her daydreams.

"I’m in the bedroom!" She answered, smoothing her shirt down over her stomach before walking over to their closet.

She needed to start getting ready for her parents’ dinner.

Her clothing choices went straight from school clothes to weekend sweats with no lengthy stops in between. Her school clothes were too casual for the formal affair, and the few elegant pieces she owned were great for the red carpets events for which she’d purchased them, but too risque to celebrate her mom and dad’s anniversary.

In the end, she settled on a long sleeved, black chenille turtleneck dress and laid it across the bed before making her way back to the bathroom for a quick shower.

She emerged twenty minutes later, feeling clean and fresh, her hair damp.

“Whatever you want from me
I'm giving you everything
I'm your baby tonight
You've given my ecstasy
You are my fantasy
I'm your baby tonight”

Courtney sang aloud as she stood in front of the bathroom sink, aiming a hair dryer at a round brush that was wrapped around a thick lock of her shining, jet-black hair.

“Hey, how was your day?” JC came in behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist and kissing her cheek.

The hair dryer still blowing, her eyes met his in the mirror and she smiled. “It was good.” She answered and shut off the blow dryer, setting it on the counter. “I went to the grocery store and had lunch with my mom. She pulled out the brush, the lock falling soft with a smooth wave into her face, and began to apply her eye-liner in the mirror. “How about you?”

“It was fine.” He answered, pulling her tighter against him and resting his chin in the crook of her neck. “I have something to tell you.”

“What a coincidence..” Their eyes met again in the mirror and she smirked. “I have something to tell you too.”

He kissed her temple, nuzzling her skin, and murmured, “What are you getting ready for?”

She sighed, dropping her hands to the sink. “Are you serious, right now?”

“What?”

Turning in his arms, she poked a stern finger into his chest, taking satisfaction when he rocked back on his heels. “Don’t you dare tell me you forgot mom and dad’s anniversary dinner, Joshua.”

Irritation coiled through Courtney at the possibility that he had, in fact, forgotten about the dinner she’d talked about all week.

“Shiiit.” He groaned, and his shoulders slumped. “That is tonight, isn’t it?”

She rolled her eyes, shaking her head in grim amusement “Why am I not surprised?”

It wasn’t the first time he’d forgotten about plans they’d made, and she was certain it wouldn’t be the last.

She walked past him, clutching the terry towel wrapped around her body, and into the bedroom.

Retrieving her dress from the bed, she began to get dressed and angrily said to him without looking at him, “Can you please zip me?” It was more of a demand than a request.

JC obliged, slowly moving the zipper upward, he said, “Don’t be mad, Court - I’m not gonna dip out on your parents, okay.”

He grabbed her shoulders and spun her around, the hint of a smile on his lips. “I’ll go get ready right now.”

She softened, the tension leaving her body. Rising up on her tiptoes, she cupped his face and drew him down.  “Thank you.” She placed a quick kiss on his lips. “Now, what is it you wanted to tell me?”

JC’s demeanor changed immediately. He shifted uncomfortably. “Nah, Court.” He rubbed at the back of his neck. “I’ll tell you when we get home; I don’t want to ruin your night.”

Courtney exhaled deeply, closing her eyes and mentally preparing herself for the disappointment to come. “Just tell me, Joshua.”

“It’s your graduation.” He swallowed hard. “I have to fly out to LA this weekend, so I won’t be able to make it.”

Courtney felt her stomach drop in a sickening lurch. “You promised.” She answered in a soft sad voice.

“I know, babe, and I’ll make it up to you. I prom-” He reached out for her, but she stepped back, putting her hand up.”

“Don’t.”  At that moment, her sadness and disappointment transferred into a cool anger. “Don’t make me another promise for you to inevitably break.”

“Court..” Again, he reached out to touch her face, and again she recoiled from his touch.

“Just go get ready, Josh.” Courtney bit her lip - she didn’t want to get into it with him before her parents’ dinner. “We’re going to be late as it is.” She grumbled, sitting down on the bed to pull on the black velvet thigh high boots she’d set out with her dress.

“I thought you said you had news, too?”

“No.” She returned sharply, zipping the side of her boot.

For a moment, JC stood there, observing her with a frown. She waited for him to say something more but he didn't. His silence held.

When he turned and disappeared into the bathroom, she closed her eyes. Was she truly angry with him or with herself? No matter how hard she tried to pretend they still had a relationship, she knew it was fading fast.

She suspected JC knew it too.

Was the current state of their relationship a result of JC working and being away so much, or was working an excuse for him to get away?

Swallowing the tears, she got up and took the small gift-wrapped box out of her drawer. She tore the wrapping paper off and tossed the box aside. Without a second thought, she carried the small trinket downstairs to the other bathroom and flushed it down the toilet.

What it was they were holding onto, Courtney didn’t know, but she was certain a baby wasn’t going to change anything.

May 2013
Brevard, NC

Performing surgery normally had a soothing effect upon Courtney, allowing her to focus on something outside her own aching hollowness. But today she couldn’t shake a nagging feeling that something was wrong. It was an insidious awareness that she just couldn’t quell. 

 Her nerves had been raw and on edge all afternoon.

She wanted to chalk it up to the sight of Harper, unknowingly, wearing her father’s jersey and being called into work for an emergency procedure even though she’d taken the day off to spend with Lance.

But it seemed heavier than that; she was anxious to finish her paperwork after the procedure and pick Harper up from school, just to ease her mind that it had nothing to do with her.

Still, by the time she’d completed her paperwork and responded to a few emails, it was still hours until school would be dismissed for the day. So, Courtney decided she would just go home and kill time with Lance until she could go get Harper.
Cold anxiety was still washing through her when she walked through her back door into the kitchen, still wearing her navy blue scrubs.  

“Hey, Courtney.” Lance was sitting at the kitchen table with his laptop; she figured he was working on one of his many business ventures. “How was surgery?”

“Uh, it went smoothly.” She answered, walking over to the kitchen sink and getting herself a glass of water; hoping it would help to soothe her frayed nerves. She took a quick gulp and turned back to Lance. “Just let me get a quick shower and we’ll go grab lunch before Harper gets out of school.”

“Actually, Courtney, you may want to sit down.” For the first time since she’d walked through the door, she noticed Lance looked a bit on edge himself – his eyes darting between the computer screen and herself.

Lance’s tension increased her vague feelings of unease. “Lance, what’s going on?” She started to take a seat at the counter, but Lance shook his head.

“No, over here.” He motioned to the chair opposite him at the kitchen table. “Away from the knives…” He mumbled.
Courtney’s brow rose nervously. “Okay, you’re starting to freak me out.” She said, sitting across from Lance as he’d instructed.

“I’ll put this bluntly, Courtney.” Lance folded his hands on the table and drew a deep breath. “JC saw the photos of Harper from this morning that I posted on-“ He stopped himself and took another breath. “Okay, fine, I texted them to him because I wanted him to see that I found the jersey.”

“YOU DID WHAT!?!” Courtney exclaimed.

“Let me finish before you yell, okay?” Lance spoke softly, holding up both hands defensively. “Anyway, he said that he thinks Harper is his.”

Courtney felt her heart shoot into her throat and her stomach drop straight to her toes. “Oh my god.” She brought her hands up, and placed her face deeply within them – she finally understood why she’d carried the feeling of dread all morning.

“Well, is she?” Lance stared over the laptop at her.

She shifted in her seat, the hair on the back of her neck prickling. “Can we not have this conversation, please?”

“Look, I’ve been nothing but supportive these last ten years,” Lance snapped the lid of her laptop shut, crossing his arms over his chest, regarding her curiously - somewhat critically. “But I’m beginning to wonder why you try so hard to avoid your past.”

Courtney shook her head, wanting to hear none of it. “I’m not having this conversation with you, Lance.” She scoffed weakly and smiled harshly.

Lance was undeterred by her insistence that he drop the subject.

“I am ashamed it took me this long to realize the truth, but I’ve been looking at pictures of them both all day, and it hit me right in the face.” Lance wore a wide-eyed look of astonishment, but she also registered disbelief, almost disappointment.  “I feel like such an idiot, but I guess it just took JC saying it for me to realize. She has your nose, but the rest is all JC.”

Courtney was quiet.

Lance was speaking the truth, but could she admit it?

Her silence was all the answer Lance needed.

“He deserves to know, and Harper deserves her father.” Lance plainly and soberly stated.

“He has his life, Harper and I have ours, and we’ve done just fine without him. I don’t see any reason to disrupt that.” Courtney said, dismissively.

Finished with the conversation, she stood and walked over to begin unloading her dishwasher. She could hear Lance’s heavy footsteps behind her, not that she really expected for him to let the subject go that easily. Honestly, a part of her felt relieved that she wouldn’t have to lie to Lance anymore but the relief was short lived.

“Do you hear yourself? Do you realize how crazy you sound? “

Courtney ignored him, focusing on placing cups back into the cabinet. She hated being lectured like this, as if she were no more than a naughty, ignorant child.

“You have to tell him the truth, or I will.”

Courtney turned to him. There was a challenge in his voice. In his eyes, there was more.

Her reply echoed everything she saw there - the anger, the obstinance. “You wouldn’t.”

“I promised you that I wouldn’t tell him you and I were still in touch, and while I felt horrible keeping that from him, I honored your wishes, but there is a line.” He shrugged matter-of-factly. “I don’t know how you live with yourself knowing you’ve kept his daughter from him, but I won’t do it.”

“Lance –“

“I’ll give you a few moments to think about it, but I’m calling him and one of us is telling him the truth regardless.”

February 2004

Brevard, NC

The baby's cries started soft enough that Courtney thought she was dreaming, but within seconds the cries evolved into screaming.

It wasn't really screaming, though; it was more of a horrible, ear-piercing, infantile screeching; The same exact sound that had plagued her for almost two months.

Harper was crying again, and she was not surprised; it felt like her newborn daughter had cried around the clock since her birth six weeks prior.

She sat up in bed, rubbing her puffy, sleep-deprived eyes with the heels of her hands.

Her head still ached from the hours of crying she'd already endured that evening. It amazed her, constantly, that a creature so tiny could make such a loud noise.

Harper lay in a bassinet next to the bed; her face scrunched and red from screaming, pleading to the world to take her pain away. 

Courtney wished she could, but nothing she ever did seemed to work. Her mom told her that this stage would only last for a few months, but she was beginning to think that a few months would last an eternity. 

"Shh, sweet girl." She leaned over and picked her up, cradling her head in one hand as she held her against her chest. "You're okay, Harp." She kissed the soft hair on her baby's head and drew in that fresh new baby smell. "There's no reason to cry, sweetheart." She sighed, turning her heavy eyes to the alarm clock on the bedside table, flashing 4:00 am.

After spending the entirety of the evening rocking Harper, walking with Harper, bouncing Harper, singing to Harper, and countless other tips she'd read from other mothers online, they'd both tuckered out only two hours ago. Now, they were up again, and Courtney had to be back at the hospital in three hours.

Life as a single mother had proven to be harder than Courtney could have imagined. She loved her little girl with all her heart, but caring for an infant and navigating a surgical residency came with a unique set of challenges she hadn't been prepared to face. It was her first week back at work since Harper's birth, and it felt like she hadn't slept at all.

The baby never stopped crying. 

Courtney's mother seemed to have better luck when she kept Harper during the day, but she figured that was because she had more experience with babies. All Courtney knew was that she was barely making it through the day at work and staying up all night with Harper; she was bone tired, worn thin.

She carried the crying infant into the kitchen, making a bottle all the while gently swaying Harper back and forth, trying to stop the crying. "Harp, please, you'll wake your Mimi." Courtney's thoughts went to her mother sleeping soundly in the guest room.

As grateful as she was that her mother had come to help her during this adjustment period, she didn't want her mother coming to her rescue. She needed to know, to prove to herself that she could do this alone.

She could do this - she had to.

She finished making the bottle and rushed back to her bedroom, praying her mother would sleep through Harper's cries.

Settling into the rocking chair by the window, she cradled Harper in her arms and nudged Harper's mouth with the bottle until finally, finally, the baby accepted the bottle, and the crying stopped.

Courtney held her breath, counting to one hundred in her mind before she let herself relax and cautiously hoped that Harper had decided to give her mother a break. She waited another minute or so before pushing off the floor with one foot, setting the chair into a gentle rocking motion. 

"Well, you've certainly got your daddy's pipes, don't you?" She whispered, taking in her baby girl's face; which seemed to change daily. The crystal blue eyes she'd inherited from her father were entrancing. She was only a few weeks old, and already her head was covered in soft dark curls. 

Courtney knew it wasn't just mother's bias; her daughter was a gorgeous baby.

Part of her wondered how JC would react to Harper if he knew about her. Courtney could easily picture him in hospital scrubs, holding the little baby girl with her pink hat on, beaming from ear to ear. She could imagine the funny faces he would make to cheer up the fussy baby. It wasn't hard at all to see JC rocking back and forth, cradling and crooning to his sweet girl. 

It was a beautiful dream. 

As excited and happy as she was to have her own beautiful daughter, she was equally disappointed in herself. Her daughter would never know a father's love. Her baby would never get to look in her daddy's eyes and see the gleam that tells her she is his favorite girl. She would never get to experience the feeling of her daddy lifting her so high off the ground, up to where the sunlight sings and dances on her face. She would never get to ride on her daddy's shoulders on their way to her first day of Kindergarten. No daddy-daughter dates to the ice cream shop or the mall. No dad to teach her how to climb trees, play sports, or ride a bike. She would never know the comfort of her daddy's arms when she fell off that bike and grazed her knee. 

All due to her mother’s foolishness and irresponsibility.

May 2013

Brevard, NC

“I can’t believe Lance is making me do this….” Courtney sank into the kitchen chair, ramming her fingers into the hair of her drooped head. A part of her felt relieved that she wouldn't have to lie to Lance, to anyone, anymore but another part of her felt ill.

Other than knowing she had reached the end of the line and would have to tell JC the truth, she had no idea what would come next.

She wanted to call him the old-fashioned way, but Lance wouldn’t have it.

“He deserves to hear this face to face, but since we’re on opposite coasts, this will just have to do.”

In front of her, Lance had already set up his laptop for the Skype call - pulling up JC in his contacts. All she had to do was push the call button. Lance had assured he would answer; he was expecting one of them to call - Lance had promised.

Courtney brought her head up, pushed her hair back, and steadied herself. Gathering as much nerve as she could find within her, she hit the call button, her heart pounding in her chest. She could hear the ringing on the other end, and she knew that JC was there. He was just a few seconds away from answering, and she felt like she was going to be sick.

She had imagined making this call for years, but now that the moment was here, she wasn't sure if she could go through with it. What if he didn't want to talk to her? What if he was too angry after all these years? What if he hung up on her?

The phone rang again, and Courtney took a deep breath. She had to do this. She had to tell him the truth.

Lance certainly wasn’t going to allow her any other choice.

The screen flashed and suddenly there was shuffling and settling as JC sat down and adjusted the computer.

He wore a faint smile, but his blue eyes weren't gentle or kind like she remembered them. They were cold. Stern. Unreachable. "Hi, Court."

She couldn't even look at them, instead dropping her gaze to her hands on the table. "Hi, Josh." Her voice came out as small as his gaze made her feel.

May 2013

Los Angeles, CA

JC didn't know what to say, or rather, there was so much he wanted to say that he was having trouble deciding what to say first. A million questions seemed to race across his mind, each bringing with it a new line of queries.

He had a daughter. A little girl. Now nine years old.

He struggled to breathe, struggled to think, to believe, to understand...

"Josh, I am so sorry." On the other end of the phone, Courtney sat wringing her hands, her face a blurred wash of tears.

His mind flashed back to their past, the eight blissful years they'd spent together. Even that last year, they'd mostly spent fighting - his time with Courtney was the most blissful time of his life. 10 years had almost passed since then, and in many ways, it had felt like a lifetime. Now, for JC, it felt like a lifetime in exile.

"Does she know about me, Courtney?" He randomly selected a question from his ever-growing list.

Her head lowered in shame, and her silence was all the answer he needed.

A terrible ache bloomed in his throat, swiftly followed by a tumult of emotions – alienation and loneliness, frustration, and anger. Hanging onto his composure by a thread, JC scrubbed a hand over his face. He tried to picture his daughter, this girl whose face he'd never seen. His own flesh and blood – and he had no idea what she looked like.

His thoughts flew haphazardly. He had a daughter. Every kid needed a dad. What right did Courtney have keeping such a secret from him?

He'd always felt a great sense of bitterness towards Courtney since she'd walked out on him, but he'd never felt this wounded or wronged.

"She doesn't think I didn't want her, does she?"

Courtney sniffled, shook her head, and wiped her tears with the heels of her hands. "We've never talked about you." When she looked up at him with her bloodshot brown eyes, he did not feel sorry for her, and he would not let her tears affect him.

"You know I would have been there, Courtney." He fought to speak calmly. "If you'd told me, if you'd given me a chance, I would have faced up to my responsibilities."

"Not completely." Again, she lowered her gaze. No doubt to hide the flush of shame on her face. "You always put me on the back burner, and I knew it would be the same for her. She was better off without a father at all than one who couldn't be there for her one hundred percent."

"THAT WASN'T YOUR DECISION TO MAKE, COURTNEY!" He slammed his fist down on his coffee table. It was so unexpected that, even hundreds of miles away, she jumped a little. JC sprang to his feet and began to pace. Anger quickened his breathing, and trembles wracked his body. The rage beat in his heart pounded in his wrists and his ears. "Courtney, do you have any idea what you've done?"

His first child. His only child. He'd missed everything. He missed her birth. He missed those first steps and first words. First laugh. First Christmas. First tooth. He missed the toilet training and the terrible twos. He missed her first day of school. He'd missed out on being a father from the start, and there was no way he could ever get those moments back.

How dare she...

"Josh, I know-"

"SAVE IT, COURTNEY! SAVE IT!" He stopped pacing and sat back down, fixing her in his heated gaze. "I don't want to hear apologies or excuses! I just want to see her, and I want to see her right now."

Again, she shook her head and wiped her eyes. "You can't see her, Josh – not yet."

Talk about adding insult to injury – her words felt like she'd twisted the proverbial knife she'd driven into his heart all those years ago.

"Not yet?" In the face of his escalating anger, it took a supreme act of self-control for JC to stop himself from screaming a litany of obscenities at the woman; to curse her in the worst possible way. "You've kept her, deliberately hidden her from me for almost ten years, Courtney! What do you mean not yet?" He knew he sounded bitter, but he didn't care.

He was bitter.

Courtney drew an elaborately deep breath and let it out very slowly. She finally lifted her steady gaze his way, giving him the full effect of her darkly lashed brown eyes. Despite his rage and frustration, JC couldn't help thinking of how her eyes had always been so lovely.

"She's still at school and we can't just spring this on her – let me talk to her first."

"Fine." He answered sharply. "Lance already gave me your number; I’ll call you in the morning."

December 1995

Orlando, FL

It was a beautiful Florida morning, warm and sultry with cloudless blue skies overhead. None of it found its way into JC's box of a bedroom; they'd lowered the air conditioning by several degrees the night before, and the room was freezing, but Courtney didn't mind. She loved a cold room to sleep in and mornings like this - in his bed, completely tangled with both him and the blanket.

The mornings when she would wake up in the wee hours, before the rest of the town (and her parents) began to stir, and the first thing she registered was the warmth radiating from behind, wrapping around and embracing her.

She sighed, and leaned back a bit, further into the warmth.

Her movement caused him to start fidgeting, pulling her even closer, and nuzzling her dark hair. He let out a contented sigh of his own and casually draped a leg over hers.

Courtney smiled and let him completely latch onto her. It was nice, comforting, and oh so warm. She snuggled herself deeper into the comforter and him; she wasn't looking forward to leaving the warmth of his bed and rushing home before her parents woke up and realized she was gone.

"Do you have to go?" His voice was soft and raspy with sleep. She was attracted to, and loved, almost everything about him; His sleepy voice was no exception.

"Uh-hm." She hummed in return, and he tightened his arm around her.

"You could hang out with me and the guys today." He offered.

She turned in his arms and looked at him. His eyes were closed, and he was breathing through his nose. Deep, calming breaths.

"I would love that." She returned his embrace with all the love she felt for him. The feel of his bare skin, his smell, the heat generating from his body made her feel so inexplicably happy. It seemed her whole world was with him; just him and all she wanted to do was hold him and hear his voice every day. "But what should I tell my parents when they ask why I wasn't in my room this morning?"

"You'll be eighteen in a few months, Courtney." He said, brushing her hair out of her face and tenderly tucking it behind her ear. "Tell them the truth."

The absurdity of his thought made her snicker.

"Hey, guys, I just want you to know that I sometimes sneak out of the house to have sex and spend the night with my older boyfriend." She mocked.

Of course, her parents knew they were a couple, and they were fond of her boyfriend. Despite the two-year age difference between them, the down-to-earth, well-mannered young man won her parents over the first time she brought him home. But, just because they approved of the two teenagers' relationship, Courtney wasn't sure even her usually laid-back parents would be so accepting of their midnight rendezvous..."

He smiled, and she felt her heart skitter. It always did. Every time. Without fail. She loved to watch his smile transform his face, to see his brilliant blue eyes light up over something she'd said. She couldn't even pretend to concentrate anytime he flashed that big, goofy grin at her. "But, seriously," He continued. "We've been dating for a few months now; they have to know that we're doing more than just going to the movies and the mall on date nights."

"I'm their only child, sweetheart." Leaning up, she planted a soft kiss under his chin. "I think they choose to remain blissfully ignorant."

He ran his hand over the back of her head, tunneling his fingers through her hair. Without thinking, she lowered her head, so he could reach her neck, allowing him to press his fingertips into the muscles he found there. "Well, they better get used to the idea of their little girl being grown up, because as soon as you finish school and the group takes off, I'm going to marry you, Courtney."

A soft moan escaped her, and she arched her neck against his hand. "Are you sure about that?"

She looked into his eyes, saw his love and earnest resolve. "Do you love me?" He asked.

"Of course, Josh. More than anything - you know that." She nodded, watching him, waiting. When he only stared at her, his eyes darting between hers, she leaned forward and kissed him. Slowly, thoroughly, leaving no doubt in either of their minds.

When she pulled away, he smiled at her again. "Then, I'm sure."

September 2004

Long Island, NY

JC sat alone in the corner of the ballroom.

Elbows propped up on the table, he watched his friends on the dancefloor with their significant others and the rest of the wedding attendees as he nursed the last drops of his beer – contemplating the sad tale of events that led him to be there right now.

Ruthless memories assaulted him.

The problem with trying hard?not?to think about her was that it meant he usually thought about her even more.

Even after almost a year and a half, learning to be without her was weird.

He could be fine for weeks, but some mornings, he would wake up, and his heart would feel heavy for no reason at all.

It would feel like he lost her all over again.

He reasoned that was the hardest part of their breakup; not saying goodbye, but rather trying to fill the void, the emptiness that she left inside of his heart.

When he received the invite to Joey's wedding, he knew it would be hard for him; to stand in witness of another couple's love. Love they'd captured, mastered, achieved and nailed down. The love he'd lost.

Weddings were supposed to restore hope and the belief in love, but it just made JC's feeling of loss that much more palpable.

Even his chest hurt as if he'd been pummeled by love; as if a broken heart were an actual physical ailment. And there was no question that his heart was still broken after all the time that had passed; there were still days he couldn't bring himself to eat or sleep.

But, push came to shove, he couldn't let Joey down. Missing his best friend's wedding would have been the coward's way out. He was going to look his demons in the eye and support his friend on the happiest day of his life.

So, alone, he sat.

A sigh left his lips before he picked up the bottle and virtually threw the contents into his mouth, but they barely touched the orifice; instead the liquid cascaded straight down his throat; the bitter, hoppy-tinged flavor not registering as JC sat the empty bottle down and lifted another bottle to open it.

His head fuzzed, and he knew he was well on his way to being inebriated – one beer closer to drowning his sorrows.

The sound of a chair being pulled out prompted him to look up from his beer. His own drink in hand, Lance had sat down across from him. "It's a wedding, not a wake, JC." He light-heartedly teased his grim friend.

"I'm just minding my own business, man." JC forced a smile even though he thought his face might crack with the strain.

Lance assessed him with a strangely knowing look before offering a sigh. "It's been over a year, JC." He shook his head sadly.

JC's fingers tightened around the bottle. As if he chose to remain lovesick over the woman who'd walked out on him over a year ago? "Lance, I know this is Joey's day, and I'm super happy for him, but it's hard for me..." He paused to take a sip of the beer, then glanced at Joey and his bride out on the dancefloor – just a stark reminder of what he had lost and what would never be.

Lance turned his head and followed JC's eyes to where they'd settled. Shaking his head once more, he pushed his glass aside and leaned across the table towards him. "I get it, JC, I do." He reached out and laid a gentle, reassuring hand on JC's wrist. "It should be you and Courtney; we all thought it would be, but it's not. She's gone, JC, and you need to get out there and live your life, brother, go have some fun. I can point you to a table full of drunk, desperate, and single bridesmaids."

JC snickered a little before he said, "Thanks, but no thanks, Lance."

He pondered Lance's words as he took another swig of his beer. Even if just for one night, no other woman could ever replace her.

"I wonder what she's doing right now..." Speaking more to himself than Lance, the words slipped from his lips as he sat the bottle back down on the table.

"Probably nothing; she never has time to do anything," Lance muttered, bringing his glass to his lips.

"What?" Though barely audible, Lance's words caught JC's attention sharply. "Have you talked to her?" He asked, not that it mattered. Even if Lance could tell him how she was doing, he wasn't sure he wanted to know.

"No, I mean, I'm just assuming she doesn't have the time, JC." Lance quickly sputtered and, after a few moments of silence in which he opened and shut his mouth many times in a row, he continued, "Like, she's a doctor now, right? They work long hours, and they're always on call..."

JC just nodded and stared past his friend into the crowd of people on the dancefloor, not really seeing any of them.

All he could think about was how much he missed her.

He missed her smile, her laugh, her deep velvet brown eyes.

And he missed her kisses.

He missed her often, and he missed her hard. He missed her more than he, or anyone, would ever understand.

June 2013

Los Angeles

"Have you seen her yet?" Joey asked JC as the two men sat on the former's patio, watching a rosy California sunset.

The grill was smoldering a few feet away from the swimming pool, and Joey's two daughters were running through the backyard, laughing in the twilight of early evening.

Watching the little girls twirling and squealing, JC felt a pang of loss thinking of all the evenings he'd missed watching his own daughter playing.

"Courtney and Lance sent me some pictures, but I won't get to meet her until next week when they fly back with Lance." He responded, instinctively reaching for his phone in his pocket. "Do you want to see?"

He pulled up his gallery and scrolled through the dozens of pictures he'd received of the little girl over the past two weeks. He decided on the photo Courtney had sent to him the night before; the dark-haired little girl with warm olive skin like her mother and bright orange glasses sitting on a pink bicycle in a driveway, grinning from ear to ear.

JC couldn't help but marvel at the little girl every time he received a new picture, or Courtney let him talk to her on the phone. He'd looked at her pictures over and over since learning the truth, trying to get the idea of fatherhood to sink in while simultaneously trying to understand why he wasn't told there was another life on this earth that he'd helped create.

"Sure, let me see this kid." Grabbed the phone out of JC's hand and began to swipe through the pictures, "How did Lance not know this was your kid?" He snorted. "The poor girl has your nose and your ears; she's the spitting image of you." He tossed the phone back to JC. "What's her name again?"

"Harper." JC passed his hand, like a caress, over the picture on the phone's screen. "Harper Scott Mills"

Joey turned his attention to his daughters – tutted and smiled. "This is crazy, man, how're you feeling?"

"I don't really know, Joey, I'm not sure how to feel," JC answered, honestly. He felt so many emotions at once, and at the forefront of all of those was anger; at Courtney for hiding Harper from him for so long, but mostly at himself for not being there. "I just hope the kid can forgive me." He sighed, sadly.

Since he'd found out about Harper, a feeling suspiciously like guilt curdled unpleasantly in his stomach.

"For what, man?" Joey asked, incredulously. "You didn't know."

"Didn't I, Joey?" JC's hands flailed with a kind of helplessness, then fell to his lap, and he gave a groan of frustration. "Courtney told me she was pregnant, and I just let her go."

"She also told you that she wasn't going through with it and fell off the face of the planet; you're not to blame." Joey lifted an eyebrow, and the look he sent his friend was decidedly arch. "She’s the only guilty party in all of this - how are you mad at yourself?."

Part of him knew Joey was right, but another more stubborn part of him was sick thinking of how he'd spent almost ten years of his life moving on while, all that time, there was a daughter who needed him out in the world.

Yes, Courtney was the one who'd decided to leave, but he was the one who chose not to fight it. They had both made separate choices all those years ago, and now they were paying the price.

Rather, their daughter, Harper, was paying the price.

JC shook his head, emphatically. "When she told me that she was pregnant, I should have fought harder for her to come back. I should have been there to raise my daughter."

"You can't beat yourself up over this. Let me give you your first lesson of fatherhood, man." Joey offered gently. "Listen to me, the dad guilt is real, and it will never stop. You'll always feel like you're not doing enough, but you do the best you can, JC." He reached over to give his friend's shoulder a reassuring shake. "I know you would've been there if you'd known the truth."

"Does Harper know that, though?" Joey's advice wasn't very effective; JC's guilt remained and, like the tides of a hurricane, threatened to swallow him whole, tearing him apart from the inside out.

All Joey could offer was a shrug. "Probably not, but now it's on you to show her."