“Mom, I do not want you to go,” Patrick stood firmly in the doorway, trying with all his might to be stoic but the small quiver of his lower lip gave him away.

“I know,” Alice lamented, leaning down to meet the eleven year old boy face to face. He spoke too much like a grown up for Alice’s liking and she knew that was her fault…like so many other things. “It’s only a week and I think it’ll be good, for both of us.”

“We got all kinds of fun things planned, right Champ?” Alice’s brother Lewis put his hands on his nephew’s shoulders. Patrick did not share his Uncle’s enthusiasm. “He’ll be fine, Alice,” Lewis reassured her. “Janey and I took the week off and the rug rats are thrilled to have their older cousin for an extended sleep over.”

Alice was thankful her younger brother was always so welcoming to her son. There had been too many times she’d had to entrust his care to him and his family over the years and she hoped this would be the last time. “Thank you,” she said sincerely, trying not to cry. 

“Don’t even mention it,” Lewis smiled and gave his sister a tight hug. 

“Mom…” Patrick spoke up again.

“Patty,” she started.

“Don’t call me that,” Patrick scowled.

“Sorry,” Alice apologized, still trying to get used to his now distain of the nickname. He was growing up too fast. “Patrick, I need to do this. For me and for you as well.”

“About damn time you did something for us,” Patrick scoffed.

“Hey,” Lewis lightly chastised him, “that’s enough of that. I think you know exactly what your mother has…”

“Lew, it’s ok,” Alice stopped him. “It’s been a rough couple months.”

“Try years,” Patrick corrected her.

“Fair enough,” Alice sadly agreed. “So please, understand why I need to go and do this.”

Patrick looked at the ground. He did understand but he didn’t have to like it. “Fine,” he muttered.

Alice pulled her son into a tight embrace, which he allowed but didn’t reciprocate. “I love you so much. I’ll have my cell if you need anything, anything at all, ok?” Patrick silently nodded.

“Text when you land and when you get there,” Lewis requested.

“Will do. Just remember he has therapy at 4pm on Thursday but everything else is open,” she reminded her brother then turned back to her son. “Please just allow yourself to be open to some fun?”

“You’re gonna come back with even more stupid self help terms, aren’t you?” Patrick gave the barest of smiles.

“I’m actively listening to what you are saying and…” Alice stopped herself as she saw the smile breakthrough on her son’s face. “Ah, that’s all I wanted,” she pulled him into another hug and kissed the top of his head. “I love you and I’ll see you in a week.” Another round of goodbyes and Alice was off to the airport.

Alice was able to nap on her five hour flight to Salt Lake City but the two hour drive to the resort had her wide eyed and looking at her surroundings. She’d only left Florida a handful of times and at forty two years old, this had been only her second flight. West of the Mississippi was completely foreign to her and mountains were only things she’d seen on film. Now she was in them! Alice hoped her winter attire would be warm enough for the early fall temperatures she’d be experiencing.

The driver crossed the border from Utah to Idaho as Alice did her best to relax. The opportunity still seemed unreal for her to be going to such a renowned wellness retreat for the week. “Opportunity,” Alice muttered under her breath. Everyone kept telling her that she earned this experience and while they were well meaning with their sentiments, what she had done to “earn” the respite wasn’t exactly something she ever wished to have truly happened.

Soon enough, signs for the town of Hot Lava Springs came into view as the car drove on and through a beautiful ornate gate, a stone engraving at the entrance letting her know she had finally arrived at the Silver Lake Tranquility Retreat House & Wellness Resort. Alice gasped at the tree lined driveway and it’s autumn foliage of gorgeous colors that finally opened to an estate with a heavy Japanese inspired architectural design. Alice was instantly transported to another place and exhaled, feeling already like she would be able to relax and work out some of her issues in this oasis.

The driver stopped at the top of a circular driveway where a wooden bridge with a few paper lanterns hung overtop stretched over a sizable koi pond and met the entrance to the compound. Alice got out and breathed in the mountain air and smiled. She really did need this. A resort employee came across the bridge and grabbed her bag from the trunk of the car and escorted her to the lobby.

“Namaste,” Alice was greeted by a smiling woman. “We are honored to have you with us for the week, Mrs. McCann.”

“Ms. McCann,” Alice gently corrected her.

“Of course,” the woman acknowledged, her smile never faltering. “My name is Jordyn and I am the head of our housing staff. Please allow me to get you checked in and settled into your room.” 

Alice very happily accepted as she was handed her key card, a map of the resort and an itinerary. The main property consisted of numerous acres but the walking and hiking trails expanded the explorable land to around twenty five square miles. There was no way Alice would be able to see everything even with the full week ahead of her.

Once everything was verified and signed off on, Jordyn led Alice to her room. “All guests reside in the same area but each room is private and sectioned off from the others,” Jordyn explained as they walked. “Consider your room your personal escape to recharge from the work you’ll be doing this week.”

Alice nearly forgot this week wouldn’t be all fun. Group sessions, individual intensive therapy, meditation, behavioral counseling, wellness coaching; her therapist had encouraged her to take this “opportunity” when it had been presented and Alice was still reluctant even as the atmosphere was already putting her at ease.

Jordyn opened the door to the room as Alice’s eyes grew wide. The sizable room had a king size bed at the center and the scent of jasmine in the air. Her bag was waiting for her on the luggage stand next to a full dresser set. The windows ran the length of the outside wall and gave way to a private patio that overlooked a peaceful garden tableau.

“Dinner will be served at 7pm this evening to allow for all guests to arrive. Since you are traveling from the East Coast, I arranged for a small snack to be delivered shortly to tide you over,” Jordyn explained. “An assortment of athleisure wear is already stocked for you that you are free to change into now or you can wear what you have on to dinner. Please do not hesitate to let us know if you need anything in a different size. Robes are in the closet and also acceptable to wear outside of your room. We want you to be as comfortable as possible during your stay.”

Alice had been surprised when she was informed she only needed to bring underclothes, shoes and a bathing suit with her. She still packed an extra set of yoga pants, some comfy tees and a nice casual dress just in case…and every sweatshirt and sweater she owned to keep her warm. Alice opened the closet to find the aforementioned robes and a folded up massage table. “I really get a massage every day?” Alice asked in wonderment.

“Yes, we can vary the time based on your schedule for the day but that is included in your stay. As I said, your room is your added escape from the work you’ll be doing while you are with us so we want to ensure you can fully unwind and decompress to get the most out of your trip.”

“I don’t…ummm,” Alice started to choke up. “I don’t deserve any of this.”

“Yes, you do, Ms. McCann. Otherwise you wouldn’t be here,” Jordyn stated matter of factly and smiled again. “You have general toiletries for tonight but tomorrow you’ll meet with our esthetician and have a detailed skin analysis and we will have the proper products stocked for your use.”

“How is this place real?” Alice asked Jordyn in bewilderment.

Jordyn maintained her smile. “Please enjoy your stay with us, Ms. McCann and let us know if you need anything at all. Feel free to explore the grounds until dinner time.” With that, Jordyn left, leaving Alice to take everything in. Places like this existed only in fantasy to people like her. She tried her best to shake the feeling of guilt that the only reason she was getting to partake of this amazing experience is because of the personal hell she’d been through. It felt like a reward for a terrible deed and she didn’t know how to process that feeling.

Alice opted to stay in her room, taking a quick shower and changing into a provided pair of dark blue leggings and a plain white t shirt, accompanied with her own long white, gray and orange chunky striped sweater. She sat out on her patio, enjoying a cup of hot mint green tea and her yogurt parfait snack as she reviewed the itinerary she’d received at check in. While the days weren’t completely jam packed, there was little time left unscheduled. Some blocks were mandatory while others were open to a few selections of an activity. She wasn’t really sure how archery was going to assist with her mental wellness but nonetheless she appreciated the option.

About quarter of seven, Alice made her way to the communal dining hall. She noticed in her itinerary that only lunch and dinner were required events so she assumed breakfast was optional. Alice was relieved to know she could enjoy her first meal of the day by herself if she wanted. 

The room was cozy but not cramped as two large circular tables filled the area and a smaller rectangular one was placed forward of the two. Alice silently counted and realized there were only going to be about twenty some odd people with her this week. She knew the sessions were limited but had no idea it would be so intimate a group.

Alice picked a random spot near a gentleman who appeared in his fifties and a young woman who couldn’t have been more than thirty. “Hi, I’m Jeff,” the man instantly introduced himself as Alice went to sit. “Whatcha in for?”

“Oh, um, hi,” Alice fumbled. “I’m Alice, uh, I guess the same reason we’re all here. Just, you know, needed some time away.”

“I hear that,” Jeff stated boisterously.

“Millie, nice to meet you,” the woman on the opposite side of Jeff reached across him and extended her hand with a smile. Alice shook it and was momentarily blinded by the massive emerald and diamond ring Millie had on her finger. A further look clearly told Alice this was a well put together woman; more than Alice ever hoped to be even at probably ten years her senior.

Dinner and small talk commenced as the attendees began to unwind. Jeff was a broker from Chicago who was on the verge of burn out while Millie was every bit the rich housewife married to the grandson of an oil tycoon from Texas that she appeared to be. Alice knew the cost of this trip for either of them was barely a drop in the bucket and slowly came to realize that would be the case with all the other guests…except for her. She already felt like a fraud before she came but now doubly felt the pressure to fit in with these high society folks. So much for relaxing.

As dinner neared conclusion, everyone’s attention was drawn to the front with the ringing of a glass. Before them stood a raven haired woman in all white with a peaceful smile on her face. “Namaste and welcome to you all. We are honored by your presence and your journey to be with us this week. My name is Vivienne and I am the founder of this establishment. On my left is my son, Ivan, a trained therapist in reiki and Doctor of holistic medicine.” Millie’s eyes lit up while Alice fought not to roll hers. She knew there would be a lot of this new age speak and hoped that wouldn’t be the complete focus of the retreat. Patrick had been right about the choice of vocabulary she’d be subjected to.

“Once you have finished your meal, we ask you all to join us in the garden as we set our intentions for the week,” Vivienne simply stated and left, Ivan following right behind. Mother and son team, little weird, Alice thought but shrugged off as she ate her last few bites and made her way outside. There, she was greeted by massive luminaries that created a warm and inviting circle, which Vivienne stood in the middle of.

As the last of the guests joined the circle, Vivienne continued her introduction. “All of you are here for a purpose, whether you are conscious of it or not. This week is about you and what you need to fuel your soul. Please write down what you seek to discover this week.” Ivan began to hand out slips of paper and pencils to all the guests.

Alice looked down at the blank sheet and sighed. How was she supposed to encapsulate everything she was hoping to achieve, to deal with, to heal from, in one sentence? Alice bit her lip and went with the first thing that came to mind: “I want to be the kind of woman I was meant to be instead of the kind I thought I should be.”

When everyone was finished, Vivienne spoke once more. “You all will have a partner throughout this journey. We’ve selected these pairings based off of the information you provided on your intake forms regarding your lives, preferences, and reasons for your stay. Some choices may seem odd at first but we ask you to trust in this process and allow your partner’s experiences and insight to help you with your own.”

Alice had read about this in the informational packet and still wasn’t sure what to make of the idea of unloading all of her problems on a total stranger who obviously had their own shit to deal with. However, Alice was at the point of trying just about anything to help her get her life back after so long away from it.

“Please shut your eyes and hold your intention between your palms as you are guided to join with your partner,” Vivienne instructed. Alice did so and began to hear the shuffling of feet before she felt hands on her forearms gently moving her into place. Next, a back touched her own and all she could tell was the person was similar in height.

When all the pairs were settled, Vivienne intoned once more. “This is your partner, your confidant, for the next week. Feel them at your back and trust in them to provide you with a safe and nurturing space for you to express your true self.” Alice tried her best but going instantly from stranger to best friend seemed like too far a leap.

“Using your right hand, please pass your intention to your partner,” Vivienne explained. “They are now the guardian of this intention and will work with you to help you achieve this goal. Once received, please read the intention silently to yourself with your back still to your partner.”

Nimble fingers coaxed a piece of paper into Alice’s left hand as her right transferred her own. She wasn’t comfortable sharing something so intimate, albeit vague, with someone right off the bat, let alone knowing one of their own secrets. Alice sucked it up, however, and unfolded the paper to read its contents.

I’m hoping to find myself again.

“Well, guess that makes two of us,” Alice thought, starting to feel slightly better about this whole partner business since they were basically there for the same reasons but she was sure under different circumstances.

“Tonight will be informal as you get to know your partner and their story. Tomorrow, the real work will begin. Please turn and greet your partner and let your journey commence,” Vivienne declared as a gong sounded.

Alice breathed deep and slowly turned to meet the person who some algorithm or whim of a possibly crazy woman was apparently supposed to help her finally be the woman she dreamed she could be. She was met face to face with a pair of rose tinted glasses that hid the details of the eyes behind them and a small, gentle but unconfident smile.

 

“Hi, I’m Josh.”

 

 

Alice blinked, then blinked again. She shut her eyes, convinced they were playing tricks on her, only to reopen them and find the same face peering back at her, though slightly more confused. 

“Nope,” Alice finally stated, then turned abruptly and walked briskly out of the circle. Her gait quickly turned to a jog before breaking into a full blown run. Alice had no idea her body could even do this anymore, let alone a clue as to where she was going. She ran as far as her legs would carry her, finally dropping to the ground beside what she could make out as a small lake as the moonlight reflected off of it.

The food had been drugged, she’d finally cracked and lost her mind, the plane had crashed somewhere over Tulsa; there had to be some logical explanation as to why JC Chasez had been standing across from her when she turned. Even God couldn’t be this cruel after everything she had been through.

JC. Just because she couldn’t see his eyes that well due to his glasses didn’t mean she wouldn’t recognize him in a heartbeat, know the sound of his voice as it wiggled into all her nerve endings. He was the representation of hope and comfort on many an unbearable night but he wasn’t real. It didn’t work like that.

Alice sensed searching lights and didn’t even attempt to move, too mentally and physically worn out. If she’d had the strength to laugh she would have as it felt like she was being caught attempting a prison break.

A beam of light found her body and closed in as Alice wondered if playing unconscious was an option. It had worked for her before.

“Ms. McCann, are you alright?” Ivan ran up to her.

“Clearly, I am not,” Alice stated matter of factly, unable to keep up any pretenses.

Ivan sat down in the grass next to her and shone the flash light toward the sky. “Why did you run, Alice?”

“Because…” Alice began but, in truth, really didn’t have an articulate answer. “Just was my natural reaction,” she copped out, even if it was partly true.

“Why?” Ivan pressed.

“Do you know who he is?” Alice questioned.

“I do.”

“Yeah, well I do too. I’m huge fan of his, giant. I can’t…I’m not here to confront my feelings for some celebrity I have a crush on. I have real shit going on I need to focus on.”

“Which is exactly why the two of you were paired together.”

“I’m sorry, what?” Alice said in disbelief. “This…this was intentional? What did you do, fly him in for the week so I could manifest the conversations in my head to the real person?”

“Mr. Chasez is here as a guest as well. You mentioned on your questionnaire that you found joy in listening to *NSYNC songs.”

Alice remembered filling out the forms and the question “What brings you joy?” She’d thought it innocent enough to include a shout out to her favorite band in her short list of things. How could she have ever known…? “Seems unfair to him then, doesn’t it? He’s got shit to work on too, doesn’t need to hear the ramblings of a crazy old fan girl.”

“Maybe he does,” Ivan stated with a knowing smile and stood up, extending his hand to help Alice to her feet. Alice looked up in complete confusion but accepted Ivan’s offer and straightened out her clothes. Maybe the plane had flown through a black hole and she was in The Twilight Zone?

Alice reluctantly let Ivan lead her back, mostly because she wasn’t really sure what other option she had. That had been her life for over a decade; doing what she was told to do whether she liked it or not. Alice was used to the defeated feeling by this point.

“Why don’t you wait right here?” Ivan suggested as he gestured to a bench along a path leading back to the circle. Alice plopped down, feeling like a kid being sent to the principal’s office. Did they really expect her to bare her soul to a man she had a “history” with? She’d been apprehensive about it being a stranger but this seemed much worse.

She heard footsteps approaching and didn’t bother looking up, instinctively knowing it wouldn’t be Ivan coming towards her. “Hi,” came a soft voice. “Mind if I sit?” Alice scooted over but didn’t say a word. “Well, this is certainly going about as well as I expected,” he chuckled.

“I’m sorry, it’s not you. I mean, it is you actually but it’s not…” Alice stopped herself and forced a look. Yep, still JC Chasez. Alice was tired and really had wanted to give this week her all. She just wanted the awkwardness out of the way, at least on her end. “Look, can I just be honest with you about something?”

“Sure. That’s why we’re here, right?” JC shrugged.

Alice drew in a deep breath. “I like you, I mean, like, I have a crush on you…from way back, pre-*NSYNC, Mickey Mouse Club days. I met you once but I couldn’t…you were very nice, don’t worry.”

“Glad to hear,” JC gave a small smile. “That was a long time ago.”

“Yeah it was but…it’s stayed with me, it’s…” Alice stopped herself, not wanting to completely scare him off since they had to spend the week together. “I have a lot of feelings when it comes to you, which I know isn’t really fair to you since I don’t actually know you but I…I wasn’t expecting this conversation today, or ever. I’ve got a lot I’m trying to deal with and weird fan girl feelings aren’t on the agenda so, just, wanted to get it out of the way. I won’t bring it up again.”

“Thanks for telling me,” JC gave a soft smile then looked at his lap as he picked his nails. While he didn’t mind the idea of having someone familiar enough with who he was, a woman who ran from the sight of him because she had some innocent crush on him decades ago felt a bit overboard. He was trying his best to keep an open mind, however. “So, um, I never got your name.”

“Shit, sorry, it’s Alice,” she blushed.

“Nice to meet you,” he smiled back politely. Awkward silence hung between the two. “So, what brings you here?”

“My husband died,” Alice said simply. It was always the easiest answer that stopped too many follow up questions from happening.

“Oh! Shit, I’m so sorry,” JC expressed in surprise. When she said she had a lot she was dealing with, she wasn’t kidding, JC thought. His first concerning thoughts about her started to fade as he knew grief could come out in all sorts of unexpected ways. “Recent, I take it?”

“Six or seven months ago,” she glossed over. In truth, she knew exactly how long. Six months, nineteen days and based on what time she imagined it currently was, two hours. “How about you?”

“Well, it kind of sounds stupid now, considering…” JC vaguely gestured. “I’ve been in a funk, I guess. I don’t really know how to describe it. Just not motivated to do, like, anything. Been feeling…lost, I guess.”

“That why you said you wanted to find yourself again?”

“Yeah, basically. I’ve been in creative slumps before but this…it’s like a life slump. I keep waking up every day and wondering “What’s the point?””.

Alice straightened herself up, instantly on alert at how JC was talking. “You didn’t try to…?”

“No, no, nothing like that,” JC picked up on her question and quickly shut it down. “I’m just…I’m not living life anymore, I’m just slowly shuffling day to day. It’s taking a toll and I just…need some help finding my way again.”

“Well, I’m sure the archery classes will be a huge asset then,” Alice chuckled.

“I mean, they would point me in the right direction,” JC enthused, which made Alice groan but smile at the terrible pun, breaking a bit more of the tension between them. “You, uh, you said you wanted to be the kind of woman you were meant to be. What, I mean, I get in theory what that means but, I guess, what does that mean to you?”

Alice exhaled slowly, not wanting to lay everything out from the start and have him think she was crazier than he probably already did. “I…I put a lot into being a good wife that I stopped being me so long ago and I just don’t know who I am anymore. I’m trying to figure that out so I can, you know, function better but more importantly so I can finally be a good mother to my son.”

“I’m sure you're a great mom,” JC smiled at her. Alice fought hard not to explain to JC why that was very much not the case. “How old is he?”

“A hard eleven, going on thirty seven,” Alice told him. “He’s a really good kid, just, too grown up. I want him to have more time to just play and have fun before life gets any harder.”

“Kids always want to grow up sooner than they should, thinking how much freedom they’ll have,” JC thought back to that time in his life, begging his parents to let him go on an unchaperoned date with a girl to no avail.

Alice remained silent on the matter, not wanting to correct JC on his assumption. “So, what exactly are we supposed to do now?”

“Um, I’m not sure,” he said, looking back at the circle to see people still engaged in conversation. “I guess we’re still supposed to be getting to know one another.” Alice shifted awkwardly and JC searched his brain for an ice breaker. “What was your worst date ever?”

“What?” Alice laughed in surprise at the question.

“Come on, we all have one,” JC nudged.

Alice tried to think back to dating before she met her husband. She hadn’t really dated much so her stories were pretty limited but she did finally hit on one. “Ok, I’m dating myself here but I met a boy while I was doing a volunteer project in high school and he took me to see Scream.”

“Like the old horror movie?”

“Yes, like the old horror movie. Don’t act like I’m ancient when you are older than me,” she teased him. “Anyway, the guy was super into scary movies and he talked through the whole thing, pointing out various clues and guessing who the killer was going to be.”

“Damn, that’s annoying but I’d say you got off pretty easy as far as worst dates go.”

“Oh, that’s not even the worst part. Once the movie was over and we went back to our cars, he expressed his delight at how the date had gone not by kissing me but by howling at the moon.”

“You have got to be kidding me?!” JC guffawed. 

“Sadly, I am not. I just stood there so confused. I mean, I couldn’t afford to be picky but even I was not going out with this dude again.”

“Like, he howled, like a wolf?”

“Oh yeah, a full on “Ow ow ohhhhh!””, Alice demonstrated as JC laughed heartily. “How about you?”

“So, I don’t know, late 2000s, I met up with this friend of a friend for drinks. Beautiful, charming, seemed normal, so we went out on an actual date like a week later. I pick a bit of a swanky place and she imbibes a bit, no big deal, except she all of a sudden starts speaking to me in a baby voice. You know, like, “I just think you are the cutest wootest thing ever!””, JC demonstrates.

“Wow, that is not a move I’ve seen before,” Alice chuckles.

“And, ok, fine, she was drinking, maybe she was nervous. I let it slide but then my chicken breast comes out and, unprompted, she reaches over and cuts it for me.”

“That’s…strange, to say the least.”

“Yeah, I mean, probably a nice girl but it just weirded me out too much.”

“Dating is the fucking worst.”

“Yeah…” JC lamented. “Are you, um, I’m sure it’s too soon but…”

“I’m not sure when I’ll be ready,” Alice confessed. “Fourteen years with the same guy makes you a little rusty.” And untrusting.

“Fourteen…wow. That’s impressive. The longest relationship I’ve had has been six and it hasn’t been easy.”

“They never are. It’s the lie we tell ourselves at the beginning because everyone is still on their best behavior.”

“That’s definitely true. I’ve never been one for long term relationships, two years tops, but Jen, my girlfriend…she’s worth doing the hard stuff for.”

“Is she really why you’re here?”

“I guess, in part. I haven’t been a good partner to her in a while. She’s amazing and deserves better than what I’m giving her presently. We’ve been doing the couple’s therapy thing and…we just need some time apart right now.”

“Oh,” Alice expressed, surprised by that revelation. “Well, I hope this retreat gives you…something that you're looking for. No disrespect but you gotta do what’s best for you. Try not to worry about Jen for this week and make yourself the priority.” Alice almost had to laugh; she’d heard that same advice a zillion times over the years and never took it herself.

“Yeah, I will, I promise,” JC said with a frown. He knew Alice was right but he had no idea where to even start. Nothing was wrong, per say, but nothing was right either. Everything was just “fine” and while some people may have enjoyed the stability of that, it made JC lackluster about everything. Food was blander, the sun was duller, the notes didn’t sound as crisp. He didn’t know what it was and didn’t expect a magic cure to come about from this week but was hoping for some guidance.

“Josh, Alice, how are we doing?” Ivan came back over to check on them.

“Haven’t taken off like a mad woman again so I’d say we’re getting there,” Alice gave an embarrassed look.

“Well, that’s great to hear,” Ivan gave a warm smile. “We’re wrapping up for the evening and we want to make sure you get plenty of rest before you truly begin your journey tomorrow.”

“Oh, it’s definitely already been a journey,” Alice replied as she stood, JC quickly behind her. “Ready to do this all over again tomorrow?” she turned to JC.

“I’m not real good with wind sprints anymore but I’ll do my best to keep up,” he smiled back at her.

The two joined the other guests as they headed back towards their rooms. “Well, this is me,” Alice said as she stopped in front of her door, unsure if she was sad to leave JC for the evening or relieved.

“Really?” JC’s lips curled into a smile as he took literally two steps further and opened the door next to hers.

“Well, that’s…convenient,” Alice gulped.

“Goodnight, Alice. I’ll see you in the morning,” JC smiled and entered his room.

Alice did the same and let the door close with a thud, leaning against it wide eyed. Had that really just happened? Was JC Chasez really at the same retreat as her, really supposed to be her confidante for the next week, really just on the other side of the wall?!

He’d been shockingly easy to talk to once Alice got past her nerves. She cursed at her seventeen year old self for not having taken the opportunity when she had it so many years ago. Maybe if she had, things would have been different. It was a question she often asked herself but now that she knew she really could talk to him, the plague of “what if” really started to set in.

Alice peeled herself off the door and began to get ready for bed. She wondered if JC was doing the same then stopped mid tooth brush stroke and looked at the wall they shared. He might be naked and only ten feet away.

After spitting out the toothpaste, Alice couldn’t help herself as she pressed the palm of her hand against the wall. Everything she ever wanted was right through there. JC represented how good life could have been had she made better choices. The logical part of her knew there was no way they would have ended up together for so many reasons but talking to him…it felt like a missed opportunity more than ever.

Alice reluctantly took herself to bed and tried to shake herself of her feelings. There was no tv but she still had her cell phone and WiFi. She sent a quick “I love you” text to Patrick then grabbed one of the books provided by the resort on her night table. “The House On Sunset,” sat atop the small pile. As Alice read the synopsis on the back cover, it became rapidly clear these books were curated to her specifically. Alice sighed and laid the book in her lap. Hard work, right? 

Her one safe place had been inadvertently taken from her. When nights were hard, like so many were, she could rest in the invisible arms of the man one room away and have him remind her she was strong enough to make it to the next day. It had been her little secret since she was a teenager but as she began to need the escape from reality more and more over the years, she became reliant on the imaginary man she created out of the real life human who had his own set of problems.

Now the two had to collide and she didn’t like it. She gave up long ago on ever seeing JC again and now she had to reconcile the fantasy with the reality. She knew he wouldn’t always say the right thing because he wasn’t literally in her head like fake JC was and it was a challenge she hadn't planned on tackling this trip. Why couldn’t she have had the crush on Justin? No way he’d share his burdens with strangers, too much liability.

Alice breathed and picked back up the book, giving a last glance at the opposite wall, before turning to the opening chapter. Everything else in life was slowly burning to the ground, why not her quiet and safe delusions about a man and a life that were always going to be beyond her reach as well. She had to start dealing with some hard truths so this was inevitable, she supposed, as she nestled in for the night.

Day 1

Alice didn’t mind the 5:30am wake up call because she was still on East Coast time so she was actually getting to sleep in. JC, on the other hand, was struggling. “Please tell me there is coffee,” he groaned as he met Alice in the lounge the next morning, his now signature pink beanie pulled down low over seemingly unbrushed hair.

“It’s a retreat, not a gulag,” she chuckled and pointed him towards the coffee station. JC made a beeline towards the hot beverage as Alice grabbed an orange and started peeling. There was definitely a mix of guests either excited for the first activity or wishing it could have started at a more reasonable hour.

“Namaste, everyone,” Vivienne appeared as if out of nowhere, this time sporting a light blue silk long top and matching pants. “We hope you have slept well and are both mentally and physically ready to begin your day. We start with an invigorating walk through our grounds. Each partnership will be assigned a different path each day to navigate and explore not only the landscape, but yourselves.”

“We have to do this every morning?” JC moved up to Alice’s right as he shoved a mini muffin in his mouth.

“Did you not read the schedule?” Alice whispered back.

“I thought it was just for today,” JC confessed. Alice could only shake her head with a small smile.

“Along the route, you will encounter a series of questions posted to help guide you gently toward your intention. These questions are meant to be thought provoking and we ask you to be open and honest not only with your partner but with yourself with your answers. These walks should take you about an hour and breakfast will be waiting in your room upon your return.” With that, Vivienne gracefully exited.

“How are we doing this morning, Alice?” Ivan approached her with a smile.

“Better, thank you,” Alice gave him an appreciative smile back.

“Josh?” Ivan turned to JC.

“Good…still waking up,” JC pulled his coffee cup back up to his lips.

“Remember, it’s a walk today, not a run,” Ivan winked as he handed Alice a card and moved on. Alice huffed, not as amused as JC appeared to be by Ivan’s statement.

“I feel like we’re going on a treasure hunt,” JC chuckled as Alice opened the card. “Bamboo Meditation Walk,” he read out loud. “Is this going to be one of those things where you have to balance on the bamboo and make your way across a pond or something?”

“Seriously, did you even read a brochure before you got here?” Alice asked him in amusement.

“Not really, if I’m being honest,” JC said, scratching the back of his neck. “My therapist suggested it and I trust him so I just went with it. Gotta try something, right?”

“I guess,” Alice chuckled. “Mine did too but I at least wanted to know what I was signing up for.” Alice flipped the card over and saw directions on how to get to the beginning of the path as JC downed the remainder of his coffee and grabbed another muffin for the road.

A sign greeted the duo as they reached the beginning of two huge walls of bamboo and a paved walkway going down the center. “A stalk of bamboo has been planted for every soul that has entered this sacred space. At the end of this path, you will add your own piece to this growing tapestry. This walk is meant to be taken slowly and thoughtfully as you orient yourself for your journey.”

“Ok, is it just me or do you get the feeling this could turn into Midsommar at any moment?” Alice turned to JC as she finished reading.

JC covered his mouth to contain his laughter. “If we see a bear, I’m running faster than you did last night.”

Alice shot him a look and proceeded slowly, as instructed. Barely a hundred feet in front of them, they were posed with their first question. “Become aware of your body. How are you physically feeling in this moment?”

“Tired,” JC answered immediately.

“Are you tired because you got up early or are you physically tired?” Alice asked him as they commenced their walk.

JC frowned slightly, contemplating the question. “I guess just cuz it’s early. Nothing hurts or is sore just my body needs to still wake up or something.”

“Is it different than how you feel when you normally wake up?”

“Not really. I mean, I normally trudge downstairs to get coffee then just bum on the couch until I have to move so this is…I guess my body never really wakes up on a regular day,” JC realized. “Damn, you’re good at this.”

“I asked you two things.”

“Yeah but already it’s got me thinking about how to start my day better. Not this early, mind you, just, better,” JC smiled, already feeling like this trip was worth it. “How about you?”

“Physically? I’m fine. Honestly, my legs are a little sore after my unexpected run last night but not unbearable. It’s a welcome change to feel sore from exercise actually.”

The next sign greeted them around a quarter mile into their trek. “Our feelings can change in an instant. How are you emotionally feeling right now?”

“Relaxed, more than anything,” Alice offered. “Still a little apprehensive, still a little embarrassed but overall, I don’t know, maybe just grateful to be here. Selfish, as well, but not in a bad way. I can’t tell you the last time I did something solely for me.”

“Why would you be embarrassed?” JC asked, to which Alice shot him a knowing look. JC took a moment but finally picked up on the unspoken sentiment. “Don’t even worry about it. I’ve had much worse happen.”

“How are you feeling?” Alice quickly deflected.

“Actually, pretty good. I mean, you’ve already got me thinking about something I can do to improve myself and that fills me with some hope. That’s…not really an emotion I’ve been feeling for some time.”

“If me just spouting off has caused you to have an epiphany, you need to fire your therapist because he’s apparently terrible,” Alice chuckled as they approached the next sign.

“Contemplate your mental and emotional states. This is a deeper reflection than the surface feelings you have just expressed,” the sign instructed.

The two looked at each other, both knowing they’d reached the point where they really had to start opening up. “It’s hard to explain,” JC started. “I think, mentally, I’m ok but I’m clearly not or I would need to be here. Emotionally…stilted, I guess. I just don’t feel anything lately.”

“Life made you numb,” Alice surmised.

“I…I don’t think that’s it. I’ve had a lot of stuff go wrong that’s left me jaded in a lot of ways but it’s in the past. It’s like this slowly creeping fog that’s rolled over me the past few years.”

“When did it start? I mean, that you really noticed an issue?”

“I don’t know, maybe three years ago that I noticed so probably a bit before that.”

Alice did some fast math in her head. Star ceremony. The Coachella performance had been after that however, she realized. She filed it away to mull over later. “You know, you’ve also had a lot of things go right.”

“Yeah, yeah I have,” JC admitted with a soft, downcast smile. “I don’t take them for granted but I don’t like to relish in them either. I’m grateful, beyond grateful but those times were so long ago, I feel like dwelling on them is like the forty year old at the local bar still telling stories of his high school football glory days. It’s sad to watch someone living in the past.”

“Do you think that’s what Chris is doing?”

“What?” JC stopped walking, confused by her question.

“He’s doing all this random gigs where he sings *NSYNC songs with other bands. Oh, and Lance does that Pop 2000s show or something. Do you think they’re living in the past and milking their celebrity?”

“No!” JC protested. “They like doing that stuff and I think it’s great. I fully support them still celebrating what we did and keeping the band name out there. I don’t want what we did to die.”

“But you don’t want to help keep it alive either.” JC’s face hardened and Alice instantly recoiled, taking a step back from him. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.” Alice silently admonished herself repeatedly. She always took things a step too far. Her husband had been right; she would never learn her lesson.

JC froze as he watched Alice’s demeanor change so rapidly. She looked more scared of him now than she did when she first saw him. “Hey, it’s ok,” JC said gently. “Tough questions, right? You’re just doing what you’re supposed to do. I highly doubt we’re gonna get through this week without a few breakdowns from either of us.”

Alice turned away from JC and blinked away her emerging tears. “Yeah, you’re right,” she said so softly JC almost didn’t hear her.

The whole interaction wasn’t sitting right with JC as he started up their walk again. “How about you? How would you say your emotional and mental states are?”

“Not good would be an understatement,” she told him, not lifting her head. “We were talking about physically tired earlier; that’s my emotional and mental state. I’m tired. I just want to curl up and sleep for like a year. I often liken it to a caterpillar. Slowly crawling through life until it’s time to cocoon yourself away then emerge this beautiful butterfly who can finally fly away and start anew.”

“So is this your cocoon?”

“Maybe…probably,” Alice considered it. “Still gotta be a Mom when I get back home so I guess this is the closest I’ll get to that.”

JC was silent a moment as they walked. “Alice? When was the last time you weren’t tired?”

“Fuck, I don’t know,” she nearly laughed. “I think it’s just a personality trait at this point.” She thought about it, really thought about it. “Probably when my son Patrick was born. He just…he was so tiny and new and…the world hadn’t tainted him yet. Every possibility laid ahead of him and it was exciting to think of what could happen.”

“So the last time you were happy was eleven years ago?”

“Yeah, that’s probably accurate,” Alice this time did laugh sadly. JC stared at her as they walked, feeling confident there was far more to Alice’s story than he knew. He didn’t have time to delve into it now, however, as they approached the next sign.

“What direction are you going in? Your physical path today has been windy, just like our path in life. Are the feelings and states of being ones you want to continue with or do you want to change your path and journey down a new one?”

“I didn’t think my path would ever change until one day it suddenly did,” Alice stated. “It’s been a lot harder to navigate than I ever thought but I’m trying. Every day I’m trying and I want to keep trying, not just for Patrick but for myself as well.”

“That’s really great to hear,” JC beamed at her. “I mean, I think just by being here we obviously are showing we want a change but, yeah, I mean, I definitely do. I miss writing, I miss being creative.”

“You don’t write anymore?” Alice asked in surprise.

“Not really. I still sketch out ideas that come to mind but seriously sit down and write a song? Nah, that hasn’t happened in a good while. I brought my guitar though, just in case inspiration strikes.”

“You’re a very good songwriter…and singer,” Alice told him.

“Thank you, that’s very sweet of you,” he smiled politely.

“You don’t believe me, do you?” Alice asked him skeptically. “The way you said that…”

“Another conversation for another time,” JC stated as he pointed at the next and final sign.

“Congratulations on completion of your meditation walk. We urge you to take the thoughts discovered during your walk into your work for the day. As a lasting monument to your accomplishment, please take a stalk of bamboo and place it into the ground.”

Beside the sign were two pieces of bamboo and a small gardening trowel. The holes were already dug on the left bank indicating where they should be placed. There was a slight incline to the land so that as JC placed his bamboo behind Alice’s, it provided shade and took the brunt of the slight breeze that was in the air. Alice found the symbolism deeply poetic.

They turned around and found a second message on the back of the sign. “This bamboo will grow just as you will. It is strong but not invincible and, if not cared for or when put through a storm, may break. However, it will always grow back, healthier, taller and tougher than before. A piece of you now lays here forever and we ask you to remember your ever growing bamboo as you continue your journey, both here and in life.”

“Well damn,” JC breathed, “that kind of got me.”

“Notice how there was no guidance about metaphorical panda bears that will not hesitate to snap your bamboo in two and feast on it,” Alice joked.

“I believe I said no bears when we started this walk,” JC winked and threw his arm around Alice’s shoulders. “You did really great.”

Alice blushed and worked to keep her body relaxed as the man she’d dreamed for decades to touch her finally was, innocent as it may be. “Thanks. You did excellent as well. Sounds like morning walks might be in your future.”

“At least for the next week they will be. Then maybe an afternoon walk. Nothing this early ever if I have any say.”

“What about mid-morning? 10am doesn’t seem too unreasonable.”

“I’ll think about it,” he grinned as they walked back to the main campus and retreated to their rooms for breakfast.

Alice enjoyed her granola bowl and hot tea as she thought over her walk with JC. The realization that this man who once was overflowing with passion now felt so blasé about life was stunning and kind of upsetting. The JC she “knew” could be shy but that never deterred from his enthusiasm about something. Alice realized even her favorite singer wasn’t immune to the weight that the world slowly piled on as the years continued.

She met back up with JC in the garden and joined the rest of the group for a morning salutation and stretch, followed by some light yoga and Tai Chi until it was time for her Barre class. Alice was realizing that when the brochure said “with a focus on the mind and body”, they didn’t just mean those daily massages.

Alice nearly crawled as she joined everyone in the lounge for a snack of bone broth and on property grown vegetables. “I was wrong, this is a gulag,” she collapsed next to JC on a love seat.

JC chuckled and passed her his plate to share. “The 5:30am wake up call really should have been your first clue. What medieval torture device were you subjected to?”

“The worst ballet class of my life. I mean, I took classes as a kid but they were NOT like what I just went through. I knew my legs would be sore but my triceps and my core are killing me. I had no idea I was this out of shape.”

“Well, we aren’t kids anymore. Trust me, I used to sing and dance on treadmills and trying to keep a consistent jog almost wiped me out twice.” JC slowly got up with a groan and ambled over to get Alice a cup of broth and another plate of food.

“Thanks,” Alice replied graciously as she let the hot liquid soothe her muscles from the inside. “Crap, I want to hate this on principle but it’s delicious.”

“Sorry the good food made you angry,” JC smiled.

“You know what I mean. A scoop of ice cream would be heaven right about now.”

“I’m sure it’s some kind of detox for the body thing. At least it’s not a juice cleanse, those are terrible and just make you irritable for the whole time.”

“You’ve done a juice cleanse?” Alice looked at JC in surprise.

“I live in L.A. That’s on the low end of weird things I’ve done,” he laughed. “What’s next on your agenda?”

“Therapy time. I think part of their diabolical plan is to wear us down physically that we’re so tired that we just spill our guts.”

“I guarantee this was not outlined in your pamphlet,” JC joked as he bit into a bell pepper strip.

“Hi Alice, I’m Lesli. It’s lovely to meet you,” an enthusiastic slim auburn haired woman addressed Alice a short time later. “I’ll be your counselor for the week. Now, I’ve read over your case file but I’d really just like to spend this time getting to know you.”

Alice didn’t know if she prophesied it or not but in short order, she gave Lesli the cliff notes version of her life up until that point. Unlike her regular therapist, Lesli wasn’t writing notes as she spoke but simply listened to what Alice felt like sharing. “So, yeah, dead husband, traumatized kid, trying to restart my life again…I think that about sums everything up.”

Lesli sat back in her chair and reflected on Alice’s last statement. “Well,” she finally said, “sounds like we have a busy week ahead of us.”

Alice was beyond grateful her massage was scheduled after her session with Lesli. While Lesli didn’t go in depth with her questions, she left Alice to ponder one vague but important topic she needed to answer: Where do you want to go? Much like her walk with JC that morning, the thought of what direction she wanted her life to take seemed to be the topic of the day. She wasn’t sure but she knew the path she chose all those years ago was the wrong one; now she just had to figure out which steps to take next.

A small gasp left Alice’s mouth when she entered her room to find an exceptionally handsome man laying a sheet on the massage table now set up by the window. “Hi, I’m Michael. I’m your masseuse for this week.” Michael walked over with a friendly smile and extended his hand.

Alice stared at it for a moment then pulled herself together to return the gesture. “Hi, Alice, sorry,” she said. “I, uh, I wasn’t expecting a male masseuse…not that there’s a problem with that, just, uh, surprised.”

“If it makes you uncomfortable, we can certainly have a female staff member take over. It won’t be any trouble,” Michael offered.

“No no, it’s fine, I promise,” Alice told him even though she could hear how flustered her voice sounded. The issue wasn’t really that he was a man but more that he’d be touching her…intimately. Well, intimately for her. She couldn’t remember the last time a man had touched her in a way to make her feel good. “So, do I just hop on or…?”

“Get yourself comfortable then you can lay down on your stomach to start,” Michael instructed her as he returned to finish prepping the table.

Alice sat on the edge of the bed and pulled off her sneakers and socks and was instantly reminded that while she’d grabbed a quick shower during her breakfast break, there had been no time since her sweat drenched workout earlier. “Uh, I’m gonna just quickly freshen up,” Alice stated as she headed towards the bathroom.

“If you need to use the facilities, go right ahead, but otherwise you’re fine,” Michael reassured her. Alice imagined he was probably used to the look of concern on her face after working at the facility for enough time. Alice scurried into the bathroom to empty her bladder and gazed upon her reflection as she washed her hands. 

“Comfortable”, she realized, was going to mean getting naked, which she was very much not comfortable with. She didn’t like this underlying feeling that her past experiences were going to keep her from enjoying something meant to bring her a tiny bit of peace so she forced herself to take her top off. Removing her leggings was a no go so clad in them and a sports bra, Alice emerged, arms crossed tightly across her bare stomach.

“You ready, Alice?” Michael asked her warmly. 

“Yeah, sure,” she heard her voice say as she shuffled forward. She’d been looking forward to a massage since the moment she found out it was an option but now it was damn near intimidating. 

Michael held up the top sheet as Alice slid onto the table and covered her immediately. That did make Alice feel a tad better, not being so exposed. “Do you have any areas I should be careful of?” Michael asked.

“Yeah, uh, my left hip has some, uh, scarring. It’s healed but sometimes the nerves can get a little jumpy,” she informed him.

“I’ll be gentle but be sure to let me know if something starts to hurt,” Michael stated as he guided Alice’s arms down to her sides. She could hear Michael rubbing his hands together yet the moment the warm oil he’d put on them touched her shoulders, her entire body tensed.

“Sorry, I’m…I’m really not used to this,” she apologized.

“Completely fine, I’ll go slow and I promise that by the end of the week, your body will feel like putty,” Michael gave a soft laugh. He walked away just a moment and grabbed the diffuser that resided on the dresser top and placed it on the floor below Alice’s face. The soft smell of lavender instantly filled her nostrils. “Breathe and just relax,” he told her as he grabbed more oil and slowly started once again.

Alice shut her eyes and breathed as instructed, letting Michael’s hands gently rub all her cares away for the time being. She focused her mind on how good it felt and was proud to mostly be succeeding. Her therapist encouraged her a lot to “get out of her own head” and, while continuously a struggle, she was actively working on it. Soon enough, she was feeling more relaxed as Michael’s hands worked to help physically uncoil some of Alice’s stress.

JC grinned as he saw Alice enter the dining room for lunch in a much better state than she had been only two hours earlier. “Did your therapist give you qualudes?” he asked her with a laugh as she sat down.

“Just got done my massage,” she smiled lazily before digging into her burger. She chewed a few times as she slowly made a face. “That…is not meat,” she swallowed.

“No, it’s black beans and lentils,” JC informed her with a small smile. 

Alice didn’t hate the taste, just was surprised by it and took a smaller portion on her next bite. “How was the rest of your morning?”

“Ummm, ok,” JC scratched the back of his neck. “Looking forward to that massage. Therapy was, uh, well, therapy. Feeling pretty drained.”

Alice nodded, not knowing really what to say. She still wasn’t sure how to talk to JC. Their walk reminded her that while she did know things about him, they were still strangers and she shouldn’t assume things. Yet the thought that something happened at the star ceremony still needled her brain.

“Do you at least get a relaxing afternoon?” she asked him.

“Yeah, I think so. I have this like haiku class thing then pretty easy after that. No more exercise today, that’s for damn sure.”

“Lucky you. Haiku class? Like, the poems?”

“Yeah, thought it might get some creative juices flowing. Couldn’t hurt right?”

“Couldn’t hurt at all,” she smiled back at him. JC writing anything was a positive sign in Alice’s book. 

The duo parted ways yet again as Alice headed to yet another exercise class. This one at least was low impact and promised to “combat chronic pain and the effects of aging.” Alice didn’t know about all that, especially since her chronic pain was more mental in fashion, but she actually liked some of the techniques and got a free book with all the exercises to take home so she wasn’t complaining. 

Alice grabbed some fresh squeezed orange juice in the lounge and slowly made her way towards the spa, hoping to spot JC. “Alice!” a female voice shouted. Alice turned to see Millie jogging towards her. “How’s your first day going?”

“Good, uh, you know, still kind of learning the lay of the land.”

“This place is gorgeous, and so indulgent. I’ve been to tons of wellness retreats before but none this opulent. Just makes me feel like, I don’t know, free, I guess.”

“I guess,” Alice replied slightly warily. For someone of Millie’s background to state this place was fancy, it made Alice ponder yet again how it was even possible for her to be here.

“So, who’s the tall drink of water I’ve seen you with?” Millie started walking with Alice. “Tortured artist type? You can tell by the hat.”

Alice couldn’t help but laugh. “Definitely that. His name is, uh, JC.” Alice paused and was at once relieved and offended that Millie didn’t react to his name. “From LA, just, you know, I think trying to find his muse again or something.”

“Aren’t we all in our own way?” Millie gave a laugh. “Is he single?”

“Uh, no, he has a girlfriend.”

“Drat!” Millie skewed her lips. “Thought you two might get to have your own tantric meditation session, if you know what I mean.” Millie clicked her tongue and wriggled her eyebrows at Alice.

“What?! No! I…he…I am very much not his type,” Alice started to turn red.

“Is he your type?”

“I mean, that’s kind of beside the point since he’s in a relationship. Plus, I feel like that’s probably not the goal of the retreat,” Alice gave a nervous laugh.

“Oh dear, have you never been on a retreat before?” Millie stopped and looked at Alice.

“Uh, no?” Alice confessed.

Millie shook her head and patted Alice’s back. “Oh girl, I have a lot to catch you up on.” 

The ladies continued on to the spa where Millie was partaking in an aromatherapy session while Alice went for her skin care analysis. Alice had planned to go back to her room to take a proper shower afterwards as her quick rinse after her massage hadn’t cut it but Millie arranged for them to get manicures so they could chat. According to Millie, there were two types of people at these retreats: ones who worked their asses off and collapsed at the end of each day and ones that took it as an escape from their real lives…and real relationships. Millie was firmly in the second camp.

“So this is basically Fantasy Island,” Alice stated, trying to mask her disgust. Money really could buy you anything.

“Within reason, of course,” Millie prattled on. “It’s all about finding like minded people. Besides, those artist types are normally all into their “no strings attached” lifestyles. What is he, a painter?”

“A musician,” Alice chuckled at Millie’s unintended pun. “He seems to be pretty settled down though.”

“Well, don’t force the issue then, of course, but if he offers, you should take him up on it.”

“Thanks for the advice but highly doubtful. As I said, I’m not his type.”

“Alice,” Millie leaned over and stared Alice right in the eyes. “You strike me as a woman who doesn’t often go after what she wants. Always putting others ahead of her own needs, am I right?”

“I mean, yeah. I can’t be selfish and not think about how my decisions will affect other people.”

“There’s a fine line between the two. It’s ok to put yourself first every once in a while. Taking care of yourself means you’ll be in better shape to take care of those around you.”

Millie did have a point but…”and your suggestion is for me to sleep with a guy in a relationship?”

“My suggestion is for you to not let an opportunity pass you by,” Millie corrected her. “These retreats bring out a lot of emotions. People connect fast on some really deep levels. It’s easy to catch feelings, if you know what I mean.”

“You want me to take advantage of his vulnerability?” Alice asked in surprise.

“No! Nothing that devious just…” Millie gestured her head towards Alice’s left hand. “Your ring mark is still there. Either you're recently divorced or widowed and sorry either way but you got a stallion at the barn door who looks like he could give you a hell of a ride.”

Alice wanted to laugh at Millie’s statement but couldn’t as she stared at her bare ring finger. She left her ring at home, the first time it had come off since her husband’s death. She was trying to heal, trying to move on… “It’s a little too soon for me,” Alice said softly.

“I get that, sweetie, I do,” Millie sympathized. “Just don’t miss out on your future because you're busy living in the past.”

Alice looked at Millie wide eyed, shocked at how her statement struck her dead on. Like everything, it was much easier said than done but Alice felt a weight temporarily lift off of her at the revelation. “I think you’re getting more out of these retreats than you realize,” Alice quipped with a smile.

“What in the hell are you wearing?” Alice gave a laugh as she came down the hallway to her room to see JC exiting his.

“It’s a yukata robe. You know, like a super informal kimono,” JC smiled and did a slow turn.

“Well, it certainly fits the theme,” Alice grinned as she took in the white robe with delicate blue flowers emblazoned on the fabric.

“Yeah, well figured there wasn’t much time between the group meditation and dinner so best just to change now. Just got done my massage so I’m feeling loose and wanted to be comfortable.”

“Can’t argue with comfortable,” Alice said as she unlocked her door.

“Are you gonna change now or before dinner? Either way, I’ll wait for you,” JC held the door open as Alice walked through.

Alice glanced at the clock and realized she still wasn’t going to have time for a proper shower. “I hate to put new clothes on over my stinky body. I think I’ll just tough it out then have someone burn these at the end of the night.”

“Now who didn’t read the schedule,” JC knowingly smirked as he let himself fully into the room. He found the paper Alice had received last night with today’s activities and pointed to the note next to the dinner slot: Yukata robe attire requested.

“I thought you brought that with you,” Alice gave a small laugh as JC walked to her closet and located her matching garment.

“No but I do have a caftan at home my buddy Lance got me that I may have to bust out after wearing this,” JC said as he handed her the robe. Alice’s brain quickly flashed back to talking with Lance all those years ago. He had seemed just as awkward as she did that day, which made him somehow the easiest to talk to. 

JC noticed the small change on Alice’s face but couldn’t quite place its meaning. “Thanks,” she stated, slipping the robe over her clothing.

“Wait? You’re going to wear those underneath?” JC questioned.

“Yeah, I mean, it’s a robe not…” Alice paused her eyes growing wide as she took in JC once more. “Oh God, are you naked under there?”

“I have underwear on,” JC chuckled, moving the bottom of his robe open to reveal a pair of black boxer briefs with tiny mugs of beer floating on them. The motion moved the upper half of the robe to open slightly and partially reveal JC’s bare chest.

Alice stared and visibly shook her head a few times to force her eyes away. “Yeah, uh, I’m just gonna keep these on…” she stammered, closing her robe tightly around herself.

“Whatever works for you,” JC told her as they left to join everyone once again for an extended meditation outside. Alice wasn’t real into the idea of sitting around for an hour and doing nothing, in her eyes, but still gave it a go. It was all about slowing down and being instead of constantly going onto the next thing. She liked the concept but every time she felt like she was concentrating on her breathing and letting go, some thought invaded her brain and pulled her right back to reality.

She stole a glance at JC, who looked completely peaceful and serene as he sat, arms at his sides, back straight, head bowed slightly. Either he was a natural or used to this; Alice guessed the latter. She shut her eyes yet again, conjuring up the image of JC in her mind’s eye as she focused on his body, how he carried himself, how relaxed he appeared… The last twenty minutes flew by as Alice was finally able to clear her mind and focus on something good. JC. It was always JC who she could look to during hard times to get her through. Still her coping mechanism, except now she had to face him when she opened her eyes. She didn’t know if that was better or worse than all the times she wished he had been there.

A nice salad and salmon entree was served for dinner and Alice tried her best not to moan at every bite. It was mouth watering delicious and she didn’t know how she was going to go back to Gordon Fisherman’s frozen salmon cakes after this. She was getting spoiled and she knew it.

As dinner wound down, Ivan grabbed everyone’s attention for a quick announcement. “Congratulations to you all on completing the first day of your journey with us. We’ve selected a heartwarming movie entitled Wings of Love to be shown in the lounge after dinner if you care to partake. I hope you all have a wonderful and restful evening.”

“I’m sure the movie’s great but I am in desperate need of a shower,” Alice stated quickly before a chocolate mousse tart was placed in front of her by one of the wait staff. “Now that’s what I’m talking about,” she eagerly dug in.

JC smiled as he watched Alice savor the delicacy. He took a small bite and tried to do the same but somehow Alice made it seem much more tasty than it was to him. Perhaps they had different pallets but JC knew deep inside it was because Alice was able to fully enjoy the experience and he still wasn’t. He missed enjoying food instead of just eating to survive.

“Hey, why don’t you swing by after your shower and we can have our own movie night?” JC suggested.

Alice nearly choked on her bite and fought to regain her composure. “You got a tv in your room?” she finally croaked out.

“No, but I got a phone and a Netflix subscription,” he said, deciding to not call attention to her current state. “Only if you want to, of course. No pressure.”

“Yeah, no, cool, that sounds great,” she tried to recover. She was working herself up for no reason, she tried to tell herself. She’d been alone with JC a few times already, this wasn’t a big deal. She silently cursed at Millie for putting the sex thoughts back in her head but, if she was being honest, they’d never actually left.

They headed back to their rooms with JC telling her to just knock when she was ready. Alice breathed once she entered her room, taking a moment to remind herself this was real life and not a sex fantasy. They were just going to watch a movie, nothing more.

Still, as the hot water of the shower spray hit Alice’s body, her hand found her way between her legs, letting herself get all her naughty thoughts out of the way beforehand. She’d only indulged a few times since her husband passed but she worked hard to concentrate fully on JC. The feel of him so close to her body, the warmth of his skin, his hot breath as he spoke…it wasn’t going to be as good in real life, she told herself, and wanted to have the fantasy one last time before she knew the difference.

It was almost 8:30pm by the time Alice was ready. She debated trying to dress up but everything she thought of seemed too forced so she settled for a t shirt and sweatpants before finally leaving her room and knocking next door.

“Good thing I can hear your shower or I’d think you forgot about me,” JC teased as he opened the door.

Alice froze. “You can hear my shower? What…what else can you hear?”

“Nothing I noticed,” JC brushed off as he headed into the room and laid on the bed, grabbing his phone from the end table. “So, what kind of movies do you like?”

Alice shut the door behind her and stared at JC then looked around the room. There was a chair on the side and a bench at the foot of the bed, just like her own room. “You want me to get in the bed with you?” she squeaked out.

“Oh, is that a problem?” JC sat up, trying to figure out what the issue was.

“No, not a problem per say, just…” Alice didn’t know what to say, it was too many emotions at once. She felt like running again.

JC looked over Alice’s slightly trembling figure for a few moments, not sure what to do. “We can figure something else out, if you want. I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable.”

“No no, it’s fine, you’re fine. My own hang ups, that’s all,” Alice forced herself to say but still couldn’t get her feet to move.

They were still getting to know each other so JC didn’t have much to go on. “Oh shit,” the light bulb finally went off in JC’s brain. “You probably haven’t been in a bed with a guy since…” JC didn’t want to say it. “Totally get it,” he moved to stand up.

To tell the truth, that fact hadn’t even registered in Alice’s brain yet. It more had to do with who specifically that guy was in the bed but she didn’t want to tell him that. “Guess I gotta do it eventually,” she gave a small laugh.

JC watched Alice breathe as she tentatively made her way over, actively avoiding his gaze. She had one knee on the bed when JC put his hand on her shoulder. “Alice, I don’t want you doing anything you don’t want to do,” he told her as he felt her muscles tense underneath his fingers.

“It’s not that. It’s the very opposite of that,” Alice heard herself say then instantly felt her stomach tie up into a tight knot. “Fuck,” she muttered, still not looking at JC. Why did she have to bring it up again?

JC removed his hand and ran it through his hair as he took a step back. He’d almost forgotten Alice’s feelings for him…almost. The day had been going so well, he thought they had moved past it. “Alice, I think we better talk,” he said gently.

“I know, ok,” she said defensively, getting back to both her feet and walking across the room. “You must think I’m fucking crazy and you didn’t come here to deal with this and I’m sorry.” Alice could feel tears welling up and that just made her angrier at the situation.

“I don’t think you’re crazy,” JC tried to reassure her. “I just don’t understand.” Several beats passed. “Do you think you could explain it to me?”

“What?” Alice now looked at him in surprise. “You want me to tell you why I like you?”

“Well, yeah, actually,” JC admitted. “You said it’s been since the MMC days. Why like anyone that long? Why me?”

Alice blinked the tears out of her eyes in disbelief at JC’s request. Once again, her mouth had gotten her into trouble and she didn’t see any way out of it. “I don’t…I’m not really sure how to explain. It’s feelings, they aren’t tangible.”

“You said we met before. What happened that day?” JC sat on the edge of the bed.

“It wasn’t really anything of note,” Alice told him. “I mean, I can remember it clear as day but it wouldn’t stand out to you. I was just another fan.”

“So tell me what you remember.”

Alice gulped. He was going to think she was weird but she felt pretty sure that was already the case and figured at this point there was nothing left to lose…she’d lost so much already. “My friends and I caught you all after a concert one time. Early; after you’d come back from Europe but before the Disney Special. A lot easier to access you back then.”

“That early, huh? How’d you even know about us?”

“Told you, MMC fan. I grew up in Fruitland Park, still live there actually, so my parents would take me and my brother to Disney like twice a year. I was part of the fan club and usually able to get to one taping a season. So, I knew about *NSYNC as soon as you guys started publicizing the group. I still have my wristband from your first concert.”

“Do you mean the Beach Club?” JC asked in surprise.

“Yeah, I was there,” Alice said sheepishly. “I knew the band would be huge from the onset. Anyways, when you guys got back from Europe, I was finally old enough to make the drive without my parents. My girlfriends and I caught you at some fair and we were finally able to talk with you afterwards.”

“Just me or the whole band?”

“All of you. You were all so gracious, especially after just having performed. We got some pictures and you each signed some autographs. Like I said, nothing that would really stand out to you.”

“Well what stood out to you?”

“That…that you guys were all so down to earth, like you could have just been regular guys at my high school. Believe it or not, I was even more awkward back then so talking to such talented and good looking guys was way too intimidating for me so I mostly stuck to the sides. Lance and I ended up doing commentary on everything we were watching. He was such a sweet guy to make sure I was included.”

“Still is,” JC smiled, thinking how far Lance had come since those early days. “I guess I’m still not understanding the big deal though.”

“I was too scared to talk to you. I didn’t want you to think anything bad about me so I just watched. My friend Becca was much more outgoing and you, well, you were definitely flirting with her hard. She told me later you guys went on a date but she refused to give me any details so I still have no clue if it even happened.”

JC searched his brain but it was so long ago, he couldn’t remember. “Alice, if we didn’t really talk, how could you like me? We didn’t know each other.”

“I know that, logically…” Alice told him. She frowned and realized her explanation wasn’t cutting it, mostly because she didn’t know how to make it make sense. She sighed and settled for some hard truths, trying to tell herself God was giving her a second chance at telling JC how she felt, even if it went horribly wrong. “You started out as a cute boy on my tv. So unbelievably talented. It was exciting to see where you’d go in life.”

“It’s sweet of you to have believed so much in me,” JC told her.

“I think…that day, it changed. The way you looked at Becca, like you were interested in her…I wished you would have looked at me like that. I wished anyone would have looked at me like that.”

“Oh,” JC said quietly, trying to take it all in. 

“Becca and I were both part of the color guard so we hung out a lot. She was petite and pretty, bubbly and tan. While not one of the “popular” kids, still very well liked. And I was…me, the polar opposite.”

JC looked at Alice, really looked at her. She was nearly his height with straight, dirty blonde hair. He wouldn’t say she was fat but she certainly wasn’t skinny either. Sturdy…strong…thick…JC wasn’t sure what to call it but she definitely gave off the vibe that she wasn’t secure in it. Her skin itself was on the pale side and all in all, she looked exactly like how she described herself earlier that morning: tired.

“I know I didn’t know you really but I…you were exactly like how you came across in interviews so it felt like I did know you on some level. I knew I wasn’t ever going to be the girl that turned your head…but I wanted to be. I worked at it, I really did but I never got there. I couldn’t shrink or be model thin. I couldn’t be the girl you wanted, that any man wanted.”

JC couldn’t keep the mild horror off his face. “Alice, you shouldn’t change yourself for anyone, especially me. I didn’t…I didn’t realize…” JC couldn’t continue, suddenly the weight of feelings of so many fans bearing down on him. How many other young women had tried to morph themselves into his ideal partner? He knew he’d let so many people down over the years but he didn’t know it had been quite to this degree.

“It wasn’t really you, JC,” Alice tried to explain, seeing the distress on his face. “You came to represent everything I wanted from a man, from life. You were sweet and honest, funny but serious. You had clear career goals. You were talented and passionate and good with money. Plus you were good looking on top of all that. Who wouldn’t fall head over heels for you?”

“Far more than you’d think,” JC chuckled sadly.

“You became the gold standard, the ideal I held every other guy up to. None of them came close, at least, none that would give me the time of day. Eventually, everyone got married, started having babies and it was just me so…I settled. I realized I’d never find someone as good as you.”

“I think you’d feel a lot different if you actually knew me. I’m not the guy you think I am, not even close.”

“Closer than you give yourself credit for but you’re right, I don’t know you, not really. Parts I do but I’ve let my imagination fill in the blanks over the years to what I wanted them to be. I…I’m sorry I did that to you,” Alice hung her head.

JC stood up and walked over to Alice, lifting her chin with his finger tip to meet her glistening eyes. “You don’t have to apologize,” JC told her. “It’s understandable to…think of something or someone different than the reality of what you have,” he phrased carefully. “I’m actually a little flattered you picked me to be the exoskeleton,” he blushed.

“You’re more than just a pretty face, JC. You’ve always come off as a genuinely nice guy. There aren’t many I’ve encountered over the years,” Alice told him.

“Well, you’re gonna get to know the real me this week. No Hollywood editing or curated image, just me. It’s gonna ruin the mystique though, just be warned.”

A small part of Alice almost didn’t want it. She liked her JC, perfect and comforting and safe. She didn’t want reality intruding on her last bit of refuge from her normal everyday hell of life. Yet, she wished almost nightly to have one more shot with JC. To not let her fear blow it for her yet again. To give herself a chance. She couldn’t make the same mistake twice, even if it didn’t work out in the end.

“I’d like that, JC,” she smiled back at him. “Who knows, maybe you’ll be wrong and I’ll just end up falling more in love with you.” Alice’s smile quickly faded as her eyes widened at her own statement. “Jesus Christ, I really don’t know when to shut up.”

JC gave a hearty laugh and pulled her into a tight hug. Some odd part of JC wanted to take care of her, like he was responsible for some of the hurt she exuded. He knew that wasn’t true; he might not remember the day but he didn’t doubt her recollection. He always tried to be courteous and friendly to everyone he met but he usually only put the extra effort in for girls he found attractive. He felt guilty he hadn’t been more attentive to Alice that day instead of her friend.

“Are we good?” JC pulled back and asked.

“Yeah, of course. I feel like I should be asking you that instead,” Alice stated. “Could be a chance to relive the glory days and throw another crazy fan out of your room.”

Once again, JC laughed at Alice’s unfiltered humor. Maybe it was regret he was feeling at not having given her a chance more than guilt. “Still up for a movie?” he tried to lighten the mood.

“Anything that will let me stop thinking about how awkward this all is,” she joked. “Is the bed still an option?”

“Only if you’re ok with it,” JC reminded her.

“Yeah, that…that helped. Thanks for listening and not making me feel like too much of a looney bin for what I said.”

“Alice, feelings aren’t always rational. I get them in general but I still don’t understand how they can be about me. I’m grateful you took the time to explain.”

“I don’t think I explained very well…”

“You did great,” he smiled at her. “Okay, what are you in the mood for?” he went and stretched out in the bed.

“Comedy, definitely a comedy,” Alice told him as she crawled onto the other side.

“Did you ever see Mascots?”

“The Christopher Guest movie? Not since it came out a few years ago but I could definitely watch it again. I love his stuff.”

“Me too,” JC smiled again and pulled up the movie. He started to settle in, moving his arm behind Alice’s back. “Is this ok?”

“Yeah, you’re good,” she confirmed, curling into him slightly. His body felt better than she had imagined just an hour earlier and she was happy she could finally enjoy the physical comfort of him. Her confession of her feelings was still fresh in her mind but she was relieved to get it off her chest. This was the happiest she’d felt in months…years really and she forced herself to listen to her therapist’s advice and not overthink it. She was laying in bed, watching a movie with her dream man. For this brief moment, it was finally real and life was perfect.

Day 2

“You look well rested,” JC smiled as Alice walked into the lounge the next morning, handing her a mini muffin.

“I am. I’m guessing you are too since you beat me here,” Alice smiled back. She had slept well, a first in such a long time, but truthfully she was running on endorphins from the night before. They’d simply watched the movie, cuddled together on the bed, laughing at all the same parts. Alice tried hard to reign herself in, knowing the truth of the situation but the first stirrings of hope were spurring her on. She knew nothing romantic would happen but just finally getting one night with JC, innocent as it may have been, was enough to let her start to think her luck might be changing.

JC could sense the lightness in Alice this morning. It was the most relaxed she’d appeared since they met two days ago. She deserved some solace from her everyday worries and insecurities and JC was happy he could help her in some small way with that. The sun was shining just a little bit brighter this morning in JC’s eyes as it began to rise.

The two sipped their coffee as Ivan once again handed out their envelopes for their morning hike. A knowing smile passed his lips as he saw the obvious bond the two were forming, the awkwardness finally gone, as he knew it would be.

Alice’s smile faded as she opened the envelope. “You have got to be kidding me.”

JC leaned over as Alice tilted the paper towards him. “Six miles!” he exclaimed.

“Our Cardinal Mountain Hike is designed to show you the benefits of tackling your toughest of challenges,” the card read. “This six mile trek is a reminder that putting the hard work into ourselves will pay off at the end. Due to the length and intensity of this hike, morning exercises may be skipped.”

“I think I’d rather do the Tai Chi,” Alice grumbled. She didn’t mind hiking but she was out of practice. Her husband loved to hike early in their relationship and it was an activity she had come to enjoy doing with him. Sometimes she wondered if that’s why he’d stopped wanting to go.

“I hope sneaks will be ok,” JC looked at his bright multicolored Nikes.

“Can’t mess those up, I know they’re custom,” Alice pointed out then quickly shut her eyes, admonishing herself. “Sorry,” she whispered.

“Well, you aren’t wrong,” JC chuckled and finished his coffee. He knew talking about her crush on him last night wasn’t going to make it magically disappear but JC really didn’t want things to go back to awkward again. He brushed it off and reminded himself that she only knew the superfluous things about him, not truly who he was on the inside. She would though and JC almost regretted that her fantasy of him would be coming to a screeching halt soon enough.

The couple stuffed their pockets with a few pieces of fruit and set forth on their hike. The map led them to the very edge of the main property. The beginning of the path showed a beautiful landscape of foliage that seemed much more inviting than the pair had anticipated.

The sign at the start, however, gave a different warning: “Looks can be deceiving. This path will be challenging but you are prepared for the journey. What is something you’ve experienced that you thought would be much easier than it actually turned out to be?”

JC let out a huge breath of air and dived right in as he started to walk. “My solo career. Definitely my solo career.”

“I liked your album…and the tracks I heard off the second.”

“Thanks,” JC sighed then recovered himself a bit. “I mean, thank you, honestly. That’s very sweet but I just…the whole experience is very bittersweet. I’m very proud of what I did but I didn’t always feel supported with what I was doing. Not by the fans though, the fans were great but by the record label. They were so supportive of Justin and he deserved every ounce of that but they just…they didn’t believe in me or didn’t want to work with me…I don’t know. I still don’t have an answer.”

“If this was one of your friends going through the same thing, what would you tell them?”

“Get everything in writing,” JC gave a sad chuckle. “Seriously, I’d probably tell them to fight harder for support. If your gut is telling you something is off, go with that feeling. Ask for more guidance, more feedback. Don’t let people simply say “Yeah, it’s good” and leave it at that. I try to give genuine feedback to the artists I work with cuz I want them to know their talent and their voice is valued. I love how experimental my first record was but being that out there cost me the chance to share my voice when I finally found it.”

“You needed to live more life first,” Alice said gently. “Sometimes we need to go through the hard stuff to find ourselves at the end of it.”

“Is that what you’re doing?”

“I’ll tell you once I’m through it if I got some big revelation at the end.”

“So what’s your thing you thought would be easy but wasn’t?”

“Does just general life count?”

“No,” JC laughed. “I don’t know anyone who thought life would be easy.”

“Fair,” Alice agreed and thought about it as the trail slowly climbed upward. “Dating, I think, or just…finding the right person to spend my life with.”

“I hope I didn’t contribute to the problem,” JC said earnestly.

“A little but, again, it wasn’t you, it was me projecting,” Alice admitted. “I didn’t date a lot in high school but then college came and went then moving into the working world…when I met Donny, it was someone who seemed finally interested in me beyond just a drunken hook up and I…I ignored a lot of things to live the life all my friends were.”

“Is Donny your husband?”

“Yeah,” Alice said sadly, not looking at JC as they continued on. “Well, he was, I guess.”

“Were things not good when he died?”

“That’s a mild understatement,” Alice laughed, her mind flashing back to that night and forcing the thoughts away. “Honestly, I’m not sure when they were good. The first couple months maybe.”

“Didn’t you say you were together for like fourteen years or something?” Alice nodded her agreement. “How could only the first few months be good for you to be together that long?”

“Like I said, I ignored a lot of stuff and some of it grew even bigger because I didn’t address it. Of course, some of it got worse specifically because I did mention it.”

“Makes sense now why you said the last time you were happy was when Patrick was born.”

“Well, you know the old saying: gotta sleep in the bed you made, or something like that.”

“You could have gotten a new bed,” JC pointed out.

“I could have. I thought about it, a lot, but I never did. Would have been the better choice than how it all actually played out.”

The trail came to a clearing where the next sign was perched. “How did you overcome these situations or have you? When things got tough, did you rise to the occasion or did you let it affect you in an adverse way? Now is the time to face your challenge and overcome it.”

“Does everyone get these questions or do they bug our rooms at night?” Alice asked.

JC gave a small smile as he looked past the clearing to the break in the trees where the path resumed, the first few feet visibly taking a sharper incline than the first section. “This is gonna suck.”

“It always does,” Alice patted his back as she started up again.

“So, how do you think you can conquer those demons?” JC inquired as he followed.

“Well, being here is a good step,” Alice stated. “Seeing the past for what it truly was is…hard, but needed. My self worth never has been great but it’s taken quite a beating as of late, which I guess is better than…” Alice cut herself off, not wanting to make an all too true joke that would just lead to more questions. The last thing she wanted was JC’s pity. “Eventually I’d like to start dating again but I feel like that’s a long way off. Even then, finding a single guy at my age, who can deal with all my baggage? Already feels pretty daunting.”

“How’d you meet Donny?”

“He got hired as a new dispatcher at my old job and I was in charge of training him.”

“Dispatcher?”

“I used to be a 911 operator years ago.”

“Jesus, that’s gotta take nerves of steel to keep people calm through such traumatic situations.”

“Yeah, it, uh, it was a good job. I really liked being able to help people in need but, you know, it can wear you out,” Alice replied, not wanting to get into how complicated her personal and professional life had become because of Donny. “Anyway, I work as an admin for a small family owned insurance agency now and they’ve been really amazing with everything. Very flexible and understanding, it turned out for the best.”

“So, did you two start dating while you were still working together?”

“Yes and no. He asked me out a couple times while we were training but I only relented once he was up and running and on a different shift. He was very…persistent. It was nice to have someone who actually wanted to date me. It was different.”

JC couldn’t tell if Alice was exaggerating the truth or not but he knew she believed the version of events she was giving him. “And it was good at first, you said?”

“Yeah, I mean, every relationship is good at the beginning. He was kind of a smart ass but I liked that for some reason…made me feel like I could speak my mind, somebody I could mentally spar with, you know.”

“That seems like a good thing.”

“Yeah, seemed like it,” Alice took in a big gulp of air as they continued to ascend the trail. “Not really how that turned out though.”

“When did you two get married?” 

“About two years in. To be honest, I look back and wonder why he even wanted to get married. I asked him one time but he never gave me a straight answer.”

“Why did you say yes?”

“Because…because I wanted to be like everyone else. I was sick of being left out because I wasn’t pretty enough or skinny enough or too smart or too tough. I was always either too much or not enough for everyone.”

“But not for Donny.”

“No, especially for Donny. He’d point it out every chance he could. I thought he was just trying to help me be a better person or something.” Alice stopped walking for a moment. “Actually, that’s a lie. That’s what I kept telling myself he was doing to excuse it. A part of me always resented him for it but I felt like if I wanted a family, this was my only option.”

JC stared back at Alice as he caught his breath. Nothing about this guy sounded good and JC felt a little guilty that it almost seemed like a blessing he had died, allowing Alice and Patrick to start over. One glaring thing was standing out to him however. “Did you ever love him?”

“I did,” Alice said hesitantly. “I think, whatever we had, was as close to love as I know it. I guess I mean that I know there’s something better out there and I hope I get to experience it but I haven’t yet so I don’t have a frame of reference.”

“I admire your strength, Alice.”

“More like stubbornness or blindness or stupidity or…” Alice started walking again but JC grabbed her shoulder and stopped her.

“Alice, I can’t relate to a lot of what you're saying but I can see the personal sacrifices you made to achieve your dreams.” JC wanted desperately to put a positive spin on what he was hearing. Alice was a sweet woman and Donny seemed like a bad guy who knew exactly how to exploit her for it. He didn’t want to use the word he was thinking of for the whole situation; he wanted Alice to get there on her own.

Instead, Alice took the opportunity to switch the conversation back to focus on JC. “So how about you? How have you dealt with everything that happened after you split with Jive?”

Now it was JC who started back up the mountain. “I dealt with it. I never really wanted to be a solo artist in the first place so it was just confirmation it was the wrong path for me. I didn’t have a band to perform with anymore so I pivoted to writing and producing and working with new artists, which I truly love. It worked out.”

“Did it?”

“Yeah, of course it did. I’m happy doing what I’m doing.”

“JC, if you were happy, you wouldn’t need to be here.”

He stopped abruptly at Alice’s words, like they took a slice out of his stomach. He knew she was right but he hadn’t considered his issues might be rooted in his music. “I can’t put my finger on it,” he confessed. “I should be happy. I’ve had an extraordinary life. I have an amazing girlfriend and more than enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my days. That should be enough.”

Alice decided to jump at the question that had been nagging her the past two days. “You said you’ve been feeling this way for three years or so. Do you realize what was three years ago?”

“Is this some *NSYNC anniversary thing because I never remember those,” JC chuckled.

“The star ceremony, JC.”

“Oh yeah. Jesus, that long ago? Ok, I don’t get what that has to do with anything though.”

“How did you feel that day?”

“Grateful. Grateful most of all but also overwhelmed, humbled…just, sometimes I forget how truly amazing our fans still are.”

“How was it to be back with the guys?”

“Oh, it’s always like old times, instantly. We just shit on each other the whole time, it was great,” he gave a hearty laugh that Alice noted didn’t quite reach his eyes. There was a sadness in them that JC clearly wasn’t addressing.

“Do you miss them?”

“Of course. I spent every day of my life for like seven years with them but it’s like college; everyone moves on but we’ll always be bonded by the experience.”

“Sometimes I miss college. There was still so much promise in the air, like I thought I could conquer the world before it conquered me.”

“Apt analogy,” JC sighed and started climbing again.

“You still in touch with all of them?”

“Oh yeah, Lance lives like twenty minutes away and I see the other guys whenever they come to town. We’re pretty constantly texting in some fashion.”

“Ah yes, the infamous group text.”

“I don’t know why people care so much. We’re mostly just assholes to each other, it’s never anything serious.”

“Do you wish it was?”

“Sometimes but if I really need to talk, I’ll just call one of them. Five people is hard to corral no matter who they are but make them fathers and husbands and global superstars, it’s a logistical nightmare.”

“Do you wish it wasn’t?”

“Of course. Chris has this big dream for the five of us to go on vacation together but it still hasn’t worked out. Not only with everyone’s schedules but trying to find somewhere we could all discreetly go? More than two of us together is pandemonium.”

“So make the time.”

“It’s not that easy, Alice. I know you know that.” Alice stopped to catch her breath while looking pointedly at JC. After a few steps, he turned around to see her staring at him. “What?”

“You aren’t seeing the correlation here?”

“No,” he said a little more angrily than he intended.

Alice walked up to meet him. “You miss your friends, JC.”

“Yeah, and? We all have different priorities now. We do the best we can.”

“Would it be so hard to make each other the priority, even just for a weekend? A little reminder of the old times?”

“Well that’s just it. It can never be the way it was, no matter how hard I wish it.” JC looked at Alice perplexed as her face widened in a smile and she began climbing again. “What? What did I say?”

Alice remained silent as she grabbed a banana from her pocket and started eating. This trek was rigorous and while she didn’t have a watch, she knew they’d been going for at least an hour. Her calves were beginning to scream but as long as her feet held up, she knew she could push through.

JC was busy replaying his responses when another sign greeted them. “You’re almost there! What is the motivator that will get you to overcome your past to make way for a brighter future?”

“I don’t understand,” JC grew frustrated. “Like I said, I got over how my solo career went. I made a nice little life for myself and my girl. All the other guys did the same. So, what is there to figure out?”

“Something,” Alice said bluntly. “Something’s unresolved.”

“And you know that because?”

“Besides you getting an attitude right now? I know it because I know *NSYNC history. The band never got closure, a proper goodbye. That’s why fans still hope so hard for a reunion. They deserve to have some finality but moreover you guys do too.”

“Christ, not you too with the reunion shit,” JC said exasperatedly, marching past Alice.

“That’s not entirely what I’m saying but it’s clearly a hot button issue,” Alice called after him, trying to keep up.

“We’ve tried, ok. We’ve talked about it, really talked about it, but we can’t come to a consensus. All five of us have to agree and, like I said, just carving out time to chat is hard enough. A tour, recording an album, picking a direction or concept of how we want it to go? It’s not working so it just…it is what it is.”

“I say that a lot too. “It is what it is.” It sounds on the surface like it’s coming to terms with things but it’s not. There’s lament in that statement.”

“I can’t control what other people say, what they want, where they are in their lives. I can only control me.”

“Are you? When you guys talk, are you telling them how you are feeling? Are you stating what you want or already going in believing things won’t work because of various external factors and staying quiet?”

JC stopped and turned to Alice wide eyed, almost like he was seeing her for the first time. The real her that lived beneath the broken shell that was trying desperately to get out. “I…uh…” JC stammered.

Alice once again walked up to meet him face to face. “JC, you have to use your voice. I don’t just mean with singing but tell them what you want. They may not agree but they’ll listen.”

“I’m not really sure what it is I do want,” JC nearly whispered.

“Take some time to think about it. Like, really think it through. Stop worrying about all the obstacles and red tape for a moment and just let yourself believe anything is possible. You’ll find the answer there.” Alice raised her hand to cup JC’s cheek tenderly. She held his gaze for just a moment until she brought herself back to the reality of what she was doing. “Shit, sorry,” she backed away and turned down her eyes.

“No, you…you’re fine,” JC breathed, watching her shrink back into herself. He didn’t understand how anyone could be mean to this woman. “So what’s your game plan?”

“Like I said, I’m here,” Alice said as they started hiking again, albeit somewhat slower. “I gotta get my shit straight for my kid. Patrick deserves better than he’s gotten thus far from me.”

“You’re doing the best you can.”

“If I was doing my best, I would have gotten a new bed,” she deadpanned. “Right now I’m just trying to come to terms with a lot of hard truths and accept my role in them.”

“Alice, Donny being a jackass isn’t your fault.”

“No, it’s not but allowing him to be, convincing myself to stay time and time again, keeping Patrick in that environment…those are decisions and consequences I’m trying to deal with. I want to take responsibility for my actions and, maybe same as you, know that not all of it I could control. That’s where I’m at.”

“That’s an incredibly mature way to look at it.”

“I’d share that with my therapist but she’d probably charge more if she knew all her psycho babble was working.”

JC let out a labored laugh as they trudged along. “Well, you said you were interested in dating again at some point? What are you looking for in a guy?”

“You asking me out?” Alice turned to ask, catching JC off guard. “Don’t answer that,” she stated before JC could respond. “That was definitely a trap.” Alice took a moment before answering his question. “I don’t really know. Someone kind. Someone to cuddle with as we watch tv. Who’s good with Patrick, obviously. Ideally someone who would show him what being a father is actually supposed to be like. My brother does an amazing job but he’s got his own kids he needs to be taking care of.”

“Sounds like very reasonable expectations.”

“I’m getting this weird do over at life, it feels like. I don’t want to fuck it up again. I can’t fuck it up again.”

“What did you say earlier? You gotta go through the hard stuff to find yourself. It sounds like you know now that you deserve better than what you settled for with Donny. That’s important to know your worth.”

“I wish it didn’t take him dying for me to figure that out,” she said sullenly.

“Take the silver lining where you can get it,” JC smiled at her.

“Speaking of,” Alice said as she stepped onto a plateau. JC followed and gasped at the view. They really had climbed a mountain, he realized as he took in the valley below. The trees were filled with a multitude of autumn leaves that danced in the breeze and slowly scattered across a lake.

“Shit, this is beautiful,” JC said, awestruck.

“I’ve only seen stuff like this in pictures. I never thought…” Alice’s voice began to waver so she stopped speaking. JC looked over at her taking it all in and wrapped his hand around hers. She squeezed it tight as he pulled her closer into a side hug as they both continued to enjoy the view.

“Congratulations,” the sign perched to the side read. “Let this hike today be a forever reminder that while the paths we take in life can be challenging, there will always be peace and comfort once we see it to completion. You have shown you can overcome adversity by reaching this point. Please take a moment to contemplate on how you can apply that thinking to your daily life before beginning your descent.”

The two stood silently as they both reflected on their arduous hike. JC felt winded and tired, another reminder he wasn’t as young as he used to be. He never thought he’d have an issue with aging but he missed the energy you used to have. He couldn’t perform like he used to, none of them could, even Justin. People didn’t want to see out of shape guys sing their big dance hits and simply wander around the stage all night.

JC thought back to the Coachella performance. The rehearsals for a song and a half took a bigger toll on his body than he could remember having ever happened before but the moves still  came naturally. There was a fluidity that remained inside him, it was just finding how to make that work with his larger frame and aging joints. It was possible but it would take a lot of work, work JC wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to put in.

Alice’s eyes brimmed with tears as she looked out over the horizon. It was moments like this she always craved. Even when she and Donny did go hiking, he’d never stop to take in their surroundings. It was always about conquering nature, never appreciating it. Alice realized what she really wanted was for someone to sit back and enjoy the view with.

She turned her eyes up to look at JC, who was clearly lost in thought. This moment was all the more special because he was there to share it with. Alice realized, however, it was partially because of him being the man she’d been getting to know over the past couple days rather than the pop star she’d been in love with for thirty years. She sighed and leaned into him, knowing this week would be the only time she’d ever get to enjoy this feeling with him and determined to soak every ounce of enjoyment from it.

“Hey Alice,” JC finally spoke up. “I think we have a problem.”

“What’s that?” she played off nonchalantly, trying to rationalize that he couldn’t magically be reading the thoughts in her head.

“How are we supposed to get down the mountain?”

Alice broke into a full blown laugh. “I say we stay here until they send a search party. They’re used to that with me by now,” she smiled and laid her head back on JC’s chest contentedly, savoring this moment of fantasy and reality meeting perfectly.

Against their better judgement, the duo eventually made their way carefully back down the trail. Their hike had taken over two hours and both were thankful for the hearty serving of Eggs Benedict that awaited them back in their rooms. JC’s mind was racing with some of the subjects he and Alice had touched on, trying to dissect them quickly and make sense of the jumbled mess best he could. She wasn’t wrong; he did miss his friends. The star ceremony had been an overwhelming amazing few days of rekindling the magic best they could at their age. A time to celebrate the past and all the good times that were behind them. 

JC sighed as he pushed his plate away, suddenly no longer hungry. Getting old sucked, he frowned. Alice had been right; there was a time when he was so optimistic about whatever faced him. Even if he knew it would be hard, he still wanted to try. Now, even trying seemed like too much effort. He and his brothers actually had conquered the world but it eventually came and swallowed him back up. JC grunted in frustration as he headed to take a shower before starting his first official workout of the day. 

Alice, on the other hand, had her therapy session with Lesli as soon as breakfast was over and was able to unpack her feelings from their hike while they were still fresh and unfiltered. She tried to carefully remember exactly what was said to relay to Lesli so she was accurate in her retelling.

“Ok,” Lesli smiled as Alice finished up, “let’s start with how you are feeling right now.”

“Ummmm, I’m thankful to have someone to talk about all this stuff with. Everyone back home either knew me or Donny so they can’t be unbiased. JC doesn’t have a backstory to reference to feel one way or the other.”

“Are you being honest with him about what happened?”

“What I’m telling him is the truth but I’m not telling him the full story, not yet.”

“Do you think you will?”

Alice sighed. “I know I should. That’s the point of all this, lay your soul bare and all that but I don’t want him to think negatively of me.”

“Would it be easier if he wasn’t famous?”

“No, it would be easier if he wasn’t the guy I’ve been wishing I was actually married to for over a decade. If it was like, Chris Martin, I wouldn’t give a fuck. I have feelings for him and now he knows that so, I just…it’s already weird, I don’t want to make it weirder.”

“Alice, let’s pretend just for a moment that JC felt the same way…”

“He doesn’t,” Alice cut Lesli off quickly. “I’m not so delusional that I don’t know the difference between the real him and the one I’ve come up with.”

“I never said you were,” Lesli smiled reassuringly. “What I’m getting at is IF he did, you’d need to tell him all the stuff you’ve been through. He’d need to tell you the things he’s endured. You’d need to have these conversations anyway.”

“I get what you’re saying but we’re going to complete our week and never see each other again. I don’t want his lasting impression of me to be some sad insecure woman. He likes confident women.”

“Do you consider yourself a confident woman?”

“Depends on the topic,” Alice tried to answer honestly. “Talk about my job, my work ethic, I can speak confidently about that. As far as relationships though…mostly no. I have my moments but I’m never secure in where I stand with people. I don’t like to rock the boat.”

“So then let's look at this from a more practical angle. You think you’ll both leave here and never be in contact again. That may be the case but more than likely you’ll still check in on each other, especially the first few weeks after you get home. Most partners form everlasting bonds from this experience.”

Alice’s mouth fell open at Lesli’s suggestion. “Are you saying we could be like, friends or something, after this?” Friends…with JC Chasez. Like they could casually text each other to see how their day was going and share stupid memes and have inside jokes. It seemed completely unfathomable.

“I’m saying don’t rule the possibility out,” Lesli explained. “That is even more reason to be forthright about all your struggles. It’ll actually be a lot easier to explain everything exactly as you need to face to face.”

Alice left her session nearly in disbelief. She’d spent the past two days trying to wrap her brain around JC even being in her life that she never dreamed it could continue past this week. Lesli made some valid points and Alice considered them all as she floated through her yoga and Pilates classes, going through all the motions but her mind focused on JC, as it so often was.

“You seem lost in thought,” JC said as he approached her during their morning break, handing her a mug of the bone broth she liked so much.

Alice blinked as the real JC once again interrupted her vision of him; something she still wasn’t used to yet. “Yeah, sorry. Therapy left me with lots of things to consider today.”

“I get ya. Definitely been doing my share of thinking since our hike this morning,” he sat next to her.

“Everything ok?”

“Yeah…” JC said with no real conviction behind it. “Just trying to sort some things out.”

“I can absolutely understand that,” Alice gave a small smile as she sipped her broth. The two sat in silence for a moment before Alice spoke up again. “JC? What do you think happens after we leave here?”

“In theory I’m sure the answer is to apply what we learned to our everyday life but in reality, I’m not sure. I just don’t want to go back to the way things were, that’s all I know.”

“That’s fair,” was all that Alice could say. She didn’t want to force anything but now secretly hoped that JC would want to keep in touch after all this was over.

Alice tried to shut out the crazy thoughts of her and JC being bff’s at the end of this and focus on the real reason she was here: to salvage what was left of herself after Hurricane Donny and rebuild her life. Yet, the relaxing scent of warm vanilla that greeted her as she returned to her room coaxed her to indulge her fantasies for at least an hour longer.

“You’re looking better today,” Michael smiled as he finished prepping the massage table.

“That’s cuz the intense workout was first thing this morning so I’m not in immediate pain today,” Alice joked as she kicked her sneakers off. “My calves, however, are still burning so tomorrow will be fun.”

“That’s what I’m here to help with,” Michael didn’t miss a beat. “I’ll make sure they’re loosened up so you sleep well tonight and won’t have too much discomfort when you awake.”

“Whatever they pay you, it’s not enough,” Alice told him as she grabbed a robe and headed to the bathroom. She once again removed her shirt and pulled the robe over herself for better comfort than yesterday. She was ready to head out when she realized that it would be a lot easier for Michael to work her calf muscles better if there wasn’t fabric in the way.

Alice was feeling easier today about the situation but still not so much as to be naked in front of a stranger. She came back out into the room and held up her finger to Michael while she found a pair of shorts in the clothes Silver Lake provided. Back in the bathroom, Alice made the switch out of her leggings, gave herself a pep talk that Michael had seen much worse and re-entered the bedroom.

A happy sigh escaped Alice as Michael touched her today, relaxing even more knowing she was less scared than just twenty four hours previously. Alice let Michael move her legs this way and that as he worked out the growing tension in them. Once she and Patrick’s lives were more stable, she would definitely need to set aside some money to get a massage every few months.

The hour flew by as Alice reluctantly peeled herself off the table. If she was feeling this good after only massage number two, she knew Michael’s promise of her being putty by the end of the week would most certainly be coming true. Alice threw back on her top and a pair of flip flops as she leisurely made her way to lunch. She plopped down next to JC, who stared at her loose smile and hazy eyes for a few moments before addressing her.

“I get liking a massage but you take it to the next level,” JC grinned.

“Huh?” Alice pulled herself away from her thoughts yet again and blushed. “Oh, yeah, well, not really an activity I get to indulge in back home. Kind of enjoying milking the situation today.”

“There’s nothing wrong with treating yourself.”

“I know someone who would vehemently disagree with that statement,” Alice cocked an eyebrow, thinking of her ex, before attending to her dish. “I’m just…I don’t know, feeling carefree today. It’s nice.”

JC’s face slowly began to light up as he watched Alice. He couldn’t say the same but considering everything they had talked about this morning; for her to see the benefits of being here made her outlook a bit contagious. “So, a rare “high on life” moment or the bone broth is their version of the Kool-Aid; either way, I’m glad you're feeling relaxed.”

Alice knew her brain was getting carried away but she couldn’t help it…she didn’t want to help it. It was so incredibly rare for her to enjoy the moment she was in instead of worrying what was to come. She knew the reality of what awaited her back home but this idea that JC might be able to help her navigate it took root fast and strong within her and until she was proven otherwise, she was determined to believe it was possible.

“How are you doing?” she reigned herself back in a bit.

“Eh, same,” JC shrugged. “You were right, this morning, that I miss the guys. I don’t really know how to go about fixing that. Like I said, getting us all to even schedule a call is hard work.”

“You said if you really wanted to talk, you call one of them. Why don’t you give one of the guys a call after dinner?”

“Well that’s just it, I don’t have anything to talk about really, I just wanna chat, shoot the shit, like old times.”

“You think that can’t happen?”

“Not that it can’t but…” JC sighed, trying to figure out how to explain what he was feeling. “I never felt like I was bothering them before. So what if I interrupted their video game, you know? Bigger issue if I call during story time.”

“If they are busy, they will call you back. I’m sure back in the day you’d call when they were on dates or with their families or simply sleeping. You can’t telepathically know when a good time is but you can let them know you want to catch up. They’ll make the time.”

JC smiled weakly, knowing Alice was actually right but somehow still not believing her. “I’ll think about it. Right now, you need to turn back to your ahi tuna before it gets too cold.”

Alice stared at her plate. “I knew this steak tasted funny. Is nothing here actually meat?”

JC swallowed hard to keep from spitting out the sip of water he had just taken. “That’s some pretty rare steak if it is,” he said through his laughter.

“Sorry I don’t know all your rich people food,” she smiled. “I guess you’re just gonna have to teach me.”

“With pleasure,” JC scooted closer and pointed to the orange round disks in her plate. “These are carrots…”

“Shut up,” Alice laughed and smacked his arm as JC joined in with her. They settled down after a few seconds and Alice caught sight of Millie watching them from across the dining room, a knowing smile appearing on her face.

The afternoon was thankfully exercise free for both of them as JC had his own therapy session immediately after lunch and finally time to unwind with a massage and purifying skin wrap. JC realized it had been a long time since he’d treated himself to such luxuries; hell, he didn’t even go to get hair cuts anymore. It all seemed like a waste of money but as he lay wrapped up like a fly caught in the spider’s web, he missed his spa days of yore. He had told Alice only hours prior that there was nothing wrong with treating yourself and JC realized he really needed to take his own advice on this one.

Alice headed to the spa after lunch for an in depth review of the skin care products she had received yesterday and a pedicure. She was thankful for the added attention to her feet and legs after the grueling walk that morning. She resisted going further down her fantasy rabbit hole and painting her toenails orange as she remembered that was JC’s favorite color…twenty five years ago. That was enough to remind Alice that she was dealing with a real three dimensional person, not simply factoids from an out of publication magazine. If she wanted to be friends with him, she had to actually be his friend, not another person just trying to stay on his good side to be close to him. Alice sighed as she realized once again the trained therapist was right.

Another reality set in as Alice returned to the dining hall to take part in a course about diet myths. She’d expressed an interest in trying to be healthier with her body as well as her mind on her intake form so the idea of the class itself didn’t bother her. It was more that she knew she hadn’t cared for her body in a long time and right now it stood as a reminder of all the things she had sacrificed for the sake of her marriage. Like she told JC, she was never going to be a model but she would have liked at least one moment to feel beautiful. As if on cue, her left hip sparked up the dull ache she was getting all too familiar with. She massaged the muscles the way her physical therapist had instructed her months prior and tried to remember she wasn’t suddenly going to be “ok” again after this retreat.

Alice walked out to the garden after the session was complete to find JC waiting for her with a glass of orange liquid and a grin on his face. “Since you’re learning about carrots and all today,” he handed it over.

“Carrot juice?” Alice questioned while giving the drink a skeptical look.

“With some orange juice thrown in,” JC clinked his glass of the same. Alice hesitantly took a sip and found it was actually pretty tasty.

“You know my budget can’t support all these fancy shmancy foods when I get back home,” Alice told him.

“I hope you don’t think I’m eating like this every day either,” JC set her straight, “but for how much this place cost, I have no problem eating like I’m at French Laundry every night.”

“Namaste and Good Afternoon, Everyone,” Vivienne magically appeared, grabbing the attention of all in the space. Alice did a fast scan and saw that just about every attendee of the retreat was at this particular session. “Thank you for joining me as we explore the healing power of herbs that occur naturally in our environments. Please be seated as we cleanse and bless this space.”

“Uhhhh…I thought this was going to be a cooking class,” Alice whispered to JC as they sat cross legged on the ground.

“I thought we were getting high,” JC confessed, causing Alice to clamp her hands over her mouth to keep from laughing loudly as Vivienne began to burn some sage. 

The class turned out to be a bit of both as Vivienne spoke about the various herbs that were grown in the surrounding garden. She explained how each herb could be used to enhance various dishes, in teas and oils, or burned in a diffuser to elicit certain moods. Some Alice was familiar with, like rosemary or chamomile, while she swore mugwort and gotu kola were actually things pulled from the Harry Potter vernacular. Then there were also the kinds of herbs that JC had been anticipating, such as marijuana and mushrooms.

“I have brewed up a special tea for us to enjoy as we transition into our evening meditation,” Vivienne stated as Ivan appeared and began to dole out warm mugs to everyone. “Hearing me prattle on about the benefits doesn’t mean much if you can’t experience it for yourself.”

“Told you,” JC smirked.

“She’s not trying to get us high,” Alice countered.

“No, my goal is to have you experience heightened relaxation and introspection,”

Vivienne stated so the whole group could hear. “There’s no deception being done here. This is an oolong based tea with subtle amounts of salvia and sassafras root steeped into it to allow your body and mind to calm and expand.”

“Didn’t you say sassafras root was how they make ecstasy?” Jeff asked a few spaces down from Alice.

“I did,” Vivienne smiled, “but as I also said, these substances are in low dose amounts and will have nowhere near the same potency as if taken for purely recreational use.” Vivienne watched as some members stared cautiously at their mugs while others began to sip at the warm concoction. “Please be reassured that you are in no way obligated to partake of the refreshments. We do not believe in peer pressure or coercion tactics. Consider this a treat that you may certainly refuse if you don’t feel comfortable.”

Alice watched as at least two people handed back their mugs. She stared down at hers then over to JC. “This is officially drinking the Kool-Aid if we do this,” Alice told him.

“True,” JC looked down as well. “It’s all natural stuff though. It’s not like we’re gonna trip so hard a mass orgy breaks out or something.”

“You don’t know that,” Alice deadpanned. “Jesus, I haven’t been high since college.”

“You’ll be ok, I got you,” JC reassured her. She noticed he hadn’t started drinking yet, like he was waiting on her, like they really were a team and it was either both or neither.

“I take it you’ve done this before?” she asked.

“Not exactly this but yeah. Haven’t smoked pot in a while but I still microdose shrooms every now and again. I imagine this is probably the same.”

“Fucking L.A., man,” Alice shook her head. “If you find me naked and twitching somewhere, just leave me. Your eyes are already damaged enough, I don’t want to be responsible for you going permanently blind.”

“Alice, you don’t have to do this if you’re scared,” JC reminded her.

“Yeah, I know,” she looked at the mug again before meeting JC’s eyes, “but I’m tired of being scared. Time to try new things, right?” Alice lifted her mug toward JC.

“Right,” JC smiled and again clinked glasses with her. They locked eyes as they began to drink the soothing liquid and JC hoped he was right about whatever was about to happen.

About a half hour into the meditation, Alice was laying on her back on the ground, eyes closed, trying to concentrate on the rhythmic ringing of the Tibetan bowls being played and Vivienne’s voice as it gently coaxed her to open her “third eye”. Instead, she did what most people over thirty do when they take drugs…wonder why this shit wasn’t working. She knew Vivienne said low dose but this was ridiculous. The atmosphere was certainly relaxing enough that if something was supposed to happen, she figured it would have by now.

Alice tried to concentrate as Vivienne spoke of grounding themselves to the earth as the feeling could be quite euphoric if you weren’t used to it. Alice rolled her eyes in her skull and let out a long breath, trying not to get angry at this utter waste of her time. She couldn’t feel the white light Vivienne described warming her body, or the earth surrounding her in a comfortable hug. She hoped others were getting more out of this experience than she was.

Now Vivienne was asking them to imagine a place of peace and tranquillity, didn’t matter if it was real or not, but somewhere they were safe and cared for. Alice ran through images in her head and grimaced when she couldn’t find anything. The only place she even felt safe was the imaginary embrace of JC and she figured that’s not what Vivienne was asking them for.

Alice settled on a little tropical oasis as she liked the beach but suddenly heard a light gasp to the right of her. She turned her head to see JC, wide eyed and staring up into the sky, a smile emerging as his body relaxed back into the ground. “Of course he’d be able to do this,” Alice huffed to herself as she tried to concentrate again.

JC had walked into his home studio, except it wasn’t his but at the same time it was. The space was much bigger, the equipment more high tech. New guitars sat around and a baby grand took up a corner of the massive recording booth. Everything was new, untouched…untainted; a million possibilities in front of him. It was beautiful.

A bouquet of flowers rested on a table. The arrangement was chaotic and vibrant, no two kinds repeated yet worked effortlessly into a gorgeous tableaux of color. JC gingerly picked up the card from the arrangement and stared in disbelief at the message: “Dear JC, don’t let me stop you but take me on the ride this time. Love, Josh.”

Alice couldn’t smell the stupid flowers she was supposed to. Her little island floated in and out of her vision and she was starting to get upset. Her imagination WAS her safe space so why wasn’t it working now? Alice sat up quietly, not wanting to be disruptive but over the exercise. 

She looked out across the garden and saw a small bunny hopping along the back part of the field, inevitably going to find something to nibble on. The bunny stopped and stood on his hind legs, sniffing the air when he found Alice staring at him. He brought his paw up to give Alice a small wave before scurrying off.

“The fuck did I just see?” Alice wondered as she got up and followed the rabbit. Out past the garden she came upon an enclave of trees with a giant majestic oak in the middle. Alice touched the trunk of the tree and eventually found a knot that almost felt like a doorknob.

“Really?” Alice said out loud, taking in her surroundings and finally realizing something wasn’t right. She felt a tap on her foot and looked down to find the rabbit from earlier looking up at her. “You’re gonna talk, aren’t you?” she addressed the rabbit.

“What do you think?” the rabbit almost seemed to smile.

Alice sat down next to the tree in a clump. “Goddamn Alice In Wonderland allegory. Did it really have to be this?”

“Hey, it’s your brain doing this, toots. This is on you,” the rabbit hopped up into her lap. 

“Mom’s obsession with that story gets me again,” Alice sighed, always kind of resentful at her mother for naming her after her favorite fictional character. Of course, her brother being named after the author always seemed like a worse fate.

“I thought you liked it in Wonderland?” the rabbit asked.

“Don’t call it that,” Alice seethed down at the little ball of fluff. That was always Donny’s dig at her imagination. The times he’d catch her lost in thought, she was “off in Wonderland again.” Alice had begged him to stop on so many occasions but of course he just increased his teasing because he knew it bothered her. Eventually Alice just gave up fighting him.

“Donny was a douche bag,” the rabbit piped up. Alice wondered how the rabbit could read her thoughts then remembered it was all her thoughts. Well, almost…

Up in the clouds, she could hear the faintest of voices, like an angel whispering down from heaven. “Go through the door,” it encouraged her.

Alice squinted her eyes at the sky, trying to pinpoint the voice as it instructed her again. “Wait, is that Vivienne?” Alice asked out loud. She turned towards the rabbit. “I’m still laying in the garden, aren’t I?”

“You’re just figuring that out? The talking rabbit didn’t give it away?” the rabbit replied. Vivienne’s voice broke through the clouds again. “Better do what she says,” the rabbit told Alice.

“Yeah yeah, I’m used to having people tell me what to do,” Alice stated as she got up and turned the knob on the tree.

JC stepped through the door to the recording booth tentatively, almost like he was afraid to touch anything. Everything was new and expensive, but it was a gift to himself supposedly so it would surely be ok to test the equipment out.

He sat down at the piano and let his fingers play over the cool smooth ivory. He hadn’t touched a piano this fancy in over a decade. He pressed down and heard the chord he created reverberate off the walls and back into him. A jolt went through JC’s body of excitement at the sensation as he did it again, every nerve in him actually feeling the music he was creating. 

He noticed the lights in the booth got brighter with each sound he made, like the room itself was coming alive with the music. JC was intoxicated by the feeling, the music inside himself begging to join in, finally feeling free and unrestrained to do so. JC felt it pushing and bubbling up inside him, gliding up his throat and smoothly out his mouth as he began to sing.

Alice stood in the empty hollow of the tree, slits of light illuminating the darkness just enough for her to be able to see. Her body began to tingle, like energy was running through it as crystals began to appear out of the wood, slowly growing around her, the light reflecting off one to the next, illuminating the space. Everything was bright but it didn’t hurt her eyes to look. 

The area was so cavernous that Alice could even hear her breath as it echoed in the chamber. As soon as she realized this, she heard the gentle sound of water dripping. She turned and saw a pool of water to the side, a slow cascade running down the crystal embankment to meet the pond below. Alice knelt next to it and stared into its depths.

JC was suddenly thirsty from all his singing. As if by magic, a water bottle appeared on top of the piano. JC tipped the opening to his lips and felt the coolest, cleanest, most refreshing water he had ever tasted in his life. It coursed through his veins, like it was melding with his blood, giving him renewed energy and vitality, making him feel like his old self again, his younger self.

Alice dipped her hand into the water and scooped out some water. She brought her hand to her lips as she felt her body deeply relax with every drop. “I was wrong, these drugs are fucking good,” she smiled to herself as she let her body lay down on the cavern floor, not a care in the world. She was happy and protected in her weird tree cavern and didn’t feel like questioning any of it.

A glimmer in the water caught Alice’s eye. She rolled her head to the side as she began to see movement in the water. Small ripples under the surface. “Are those fish?” Alice thought as she looked closer. Then, they started to glow. Alice’s eyes widened as specks of light began to fill the pool, like stars in the night sky.

The lights slowly began to move and swirl, like a lazy whirlpool, as mist came off the surface. Alice’s mouth fell open as the lights made a circle and an image began to take shape. It was her back yard but cleaned up. Fresh lush grass with the broken planks in the fence fixed. Patrick was playing catch with…someone. She couldn’t tell. She concentrated on the mystery figure but it blurred more every time she focused on it.

Instead, she pulled back and looked at Patrick. He was laughing. He was a kid just playing and having fun. Alice smiled so brightly as she watched with every bit of a mother’s pride at her son thriving and having the life she knew he deserved.

JC jumped up in a shock of delight. He bent his knees and nothing hurt. He stretched his back and it felt good to move the muscles to that extent again. He was giddy with excitement and youthful energy. He thought of something, just for a moment, and decided to give it a go. He tossed his body sideways, his hand planting firmly on the floor as he launched his legs into a spread eagle above his head. He popped himself back up to his feet and was ecstatic.

He caught sight of himself in the reflection of the glass to the control room and saw the richness of his curls, his gray completely gone, as well as his glasses. He ran a hand over his chin and felt the smoothness of his skin, save for a strip of well manicured fuzz on his chin. His palm grazed the coolness of the bit of silver that adorned his neck once again. The other found abs he’d forgotten he even had. He was JC again.

Through the glass, JC saw four shadowy figures start to materialize. He didn’t need to see their faces to know who they were. “Guys! Guys!” JC shouted. “Look! Look at me!” he turned around in a circle and jumped in the air. “I’m me again. I’m ready, let’s go!”

“JC,” a voice spoke, “you’ve always been you.”

“No I haven’t,” JC said passionately. “I haven’t felt like this in forever. I feel…I feel alive!”

“Growing old doesn’t mean you’re dead,” another voice said that he was pretty sure was Chris.

“I felt dead,” JC told them.

“There’s so much more to do,” another stated.

“Right, and I can do it now,” JC explained. “I couldn’t perform like I used to. Now I can, now I want to.”

The shadows started to fill in with color, each band member taking on clearer shape. While still blurry around the edges, he could make out that while he was suddenly younger, they still remained their current age.

“JC, people aren’t going to care about us running around a stage. They just want us to perform together,” Lance tried to explain.

“That IS performing,” JC insisted. “They're going to want the full package.”

“They just want us, all five of us,” Joey said.

“It’s not the same,” JC lamented.

“It doesn’t need to be the same to be good,” Chris chimed in.

“If we can’t dance…” JC started before a pain in his wrist cut him off. He looked down as the hand he’d balanced himself on began to throb and his fingers started to swell. Not swell really but more like go back to how they looked now that he was older; pudgy and worn.

“We sing, JC,” Justin smiled. “We sing like we always have.”

“I was never a singer,” JC admitted, thinking back to how he even ended up in the entertainment industry. “I was a dancer who stumbled into singing.”

“You were a singer who needed to find his way,” Justin explained. “Now you need to find your way again.”

“How?!” JC cried out in desperation.

“Let us help you,” Joey urged him.

“We’re your brothers,” Chris reminded him.

“We’ll show you the way,” Lance added.

JC looked at his reflection again and grimaced as his old face stared back at him. Something was different however. His hair was still gray and long but styled. His face now was completely smooth and the lenses of his glasses back to clear, his crows feet very apparent. He looked down to find his belly reappeared but not quite as big as he remembered. He basically looked like a better cared for version of his current self.

“Sing with us, C,” Justin smiled as his eyes twinkled at his friend. “It only works if we all do it together.”

“You seem to be doing just fine,” JC couldn’t help the dig.

Justin’s smile never wavered. “But it’s not the same without you.”

“Mom!” Patrick shouted as he ran up to Alice, who found herself suddenly in the scene she had just been watching. “Dad said he’d practice with me every night this week after dinner so I’m ready for baseball tryouts.”

“Dad?!” Alice couldn’t keep the horror off her face as she turned to the mysterious figure in the yard. She still couldn’t make out any details but something told her it wasn’t Donny, or at least not a version of him she’d ever known.

“We got a regular short stop on our hands,” the figure said as he walked closer. Patrick beamed at the entity and Alice tried to wrap her brain around what she was witnessing. The figure moved an arm around Alice’s waist that instantly radiated love and comfort and acceptance into her whole being. “Why don’t I grill us some burgers tonight? Invite the Murray’s over from across the street and have a little barbecue?”

“Oh, I don’t think…” Alice began to protest. The Murray’s were not fans of the constant fighting and police presence that disrupted their lives due to Alice and Donny. They had a son Andy who was a year younger than Patrick but pulled the plug on them being friends years ago.

“Please Mom,” Patrick begged. “I’ve been dying to use the co-op mode on that laser target game you got me for Christmas for ages.”

“I thought you hated that game,” Alice shook her head.

“Now, why would he hate it? His Mom got it for him,” the mystery figure stated. “He just needs someone to play it with.” Alice stood in stunned silence, the words striking her harder than any real gut punch ever had. 

“Thanks Dad!” Patrick took that as permission and high tailed it across the street.

“You did good, Alice,” the figure enveloped her in an embrace.

“I didn’t…” Alice started to choke out.

“Shhhh…yes you did,” it consoled her. “Just because it wasn’t perfect doesn’t mean it wasn’t good. I love you, beautiful.” Alice’s body gave out as she collapsed in a heap of tears into the figure’s embrace.

JC found himself transported to the side of a stage with his band mates getting ready to perform. Instant panic gripped him. “What are we doing? We can’t go out there! We haven’t rehearsed. What are we even performing? I can’t…”

“Hey!” Justin grabbed him, suddenly a fully vivid and tangible being. “JC, you got this. Trust me.”

“Trust you? How can I trust you? How can I trust any of you?” JC turned to his other band mates. “That’s what you all keep saying, just trust you. You don’t have a plan. You just think it’ll all work out in the end.”

“The fans will come regardless of the show we give them. Can’t you hear them?” Chris told him.

Suddenly chants of the band’s name invaded JC’s ears. “Why do you not care about giving them everything we can? They stood by us for years while we sat around with our thumbs up our asses and took their money. They deserve better than we can give them,” JC was nearly shouting.

“You’re right, JC,” Joey stepped forward. “They deserve everything we can give them but they know we can’t give them everything we used to. It’s not possible and it’s ok that it’s not. They just want us to have fun and try.”

“Trying isn’t good enough,” JC started to argue. “We need to…”

“Too late, we’re on,” Lance stated and literally pushed JC onto the stage. JC stared out at the crowd. A packed house of around two thousand if he had to make a guess. Much smaller than the band was used to playing for but somehow just as loud.

JC instinctively found his spot as the music started. He was literally shaking from fear as he knew the performance was going to be a disaster. It had been too long, they were too old, their voices had changed, it was going to be nothing like it used to be.

Yet, as they got the cue, each of their voices flowed harmoniously into the other like no time had passed. The notes were actually richer and fuller as all their voices had matured to create a different but still beautiful sound. JC’s body instantly flowed into a routine he wasn’t even aware he knew, it was just in him. He felt disconnected from his body as it went into autopilot for the number and he was in awe that he and his band mates could still move and simultaneously sing as much as they were.

The crowd erupted as the song ended. JC panted heavily but didn’t feel like he was about to keel over. He felt arms pulling him into a huddle as his brothers surrounded him.

“Even when you don’t trust yourself, we trust you,” Chris told him.

“We will always have your back,” Lance said.

“Just like we know you always have ours,” Joey spoke up.

“We love you, JC. Always have and always will,” Justin finished as JC began to weep, pulling the man he considered a little brother into his tight embrace.

JC was now somehow watching the hug and experiencing it all at the same time. A voice came over the sound system that it seemed like only he could hear. “Now, with grace and gratitude to the universe, it is time to return from your journey.” JC looked again at the five men united once more…they weren’t kids anymore but they were still together.

The scene started to fade as JC’s body grew heavy. He started to feel the grass under his body again, the breeze run over his skin. A warmth filled his chest as he tried to calmly come back to reality. His breath was ragged but overall he felt peaceful, like he found a small bit of what he had been looking for.

Alice’s eyes slowly opened and she had about three seconds of calm before the experience flooded back at her. She gasped loudly as tears started streaming down her face. She tried to move but something held her in place.

“Hey, it’s ok. I got you. I got you,” JC spoke in her ear, coming back to his senses quickly as he tried to calm her down. The warmth he felt against him when he awoke turned out to be Alice’s body pulled tightly into his own. JC deduced he must have subconsciously reached for her when he thought he was hugging his friends in his vision.

Alice turned and buried her face into JC’s chest, trembling. She didn’t care in that moment who he was, she needed comfort and he was there to finally provide it. The whole experience actually felt cathartic but extremely overwhelming. Alice could hear other people crying or just simply in awe of what had just transpired. 

JC rubbed Alice’s back and kissed the top of her head. Alice wrapped her arms around him as they both laid there, soothing the other through their tears. “Sorry,” Alice croaked out, her voice muffled as it still remained on JC’s chest.

“Nothing to be sorry about, honey. You’re ok. I promised I’d take care of you. I’m not going anywhere,” JC told her, his own tears falling into her hair.

Alice broke down into another round of tears, a heartbreaking mixture of finally hearing JC say the words she’d always imagined he would and knowing they weren’t completely true. He wasn’t going anywhere now but he would be eventually. Even if they stayed friends, there would never be a fairy tale ending with him…but Alice was beginning to be hopeful that maybe there would be with someone eventually.

“How are you two doing?” a voice interrupted them. They both looked up to find Vivienne staring down at them, a satisfied smile on her face.

“Small dose, my ass,” JC laughed through his drying tears. “Do they sell that brew at the gift shop?”

“No, and for good reason,” Vivienne confirmed.

“What…what the hell just happened to us?” Alice asked, still a long way from processing the past hour and a half.

“As I explained when we started, opening one’s third eye can be a very powerful experience. The beauty of the mind is that I gave each of you the exact same guidance but you all found very different and unique paths. It mirrors life in that way,” Vivienne bemused herself.

“Life doesn’t have talking rabbits,” Alice deadpanned.

“You had a talking rabbit?” JC smiled. “So, like Alice…”

“Do NOT make an Alice in Wonderland joke,” she told him sharply, to which JC quickly shut his mouth.

“Talking rabbits, no but we can all be given the exact same opportunities and our backgrounds, personality and goals will individually shape what we do with them,” Vivienne explained. “I’ll leave you two to get a bit more centered and then you can join us for dinner.”

Vivienne walked off as JC and Alice stared at one another. Neither knew what to say, how to explain in any terms that would make sense what they had been through. JC brushed a strand of hair out of Alice’s face as he peered down at her. “You ok?” he whispered.

“No,” she said honestly.

“You will be,” he gave her a soft smile.

He was so close, Alice realized. The moment was electric and comforting and scary all at the same time and every impulse was urging her to close the gap and kiss him. “You will be too,” she told him earnestly and tucked her head back into his chest. She couldn’t look at him any longer if she didn’t want to ruin everything for just a few seconds of satisfaction.

JC breathed out slowly as he rested his chin on the top of Alice’s head. Something about the way she looked at him…he hadn’t wanted to kiss anyone but Jen in so long. He instantly felt guilty for even thinking it yet found himself wondering if it would be so bad. He didn’t want to make out with her or anything; just a nice, chaste, loving kiss. Didn’t she deserve that? Didn’t he?

Alice forced herself away from JC as she attempted to dry her eyes yet again. “Come on, some kind of non-meat entree awaits us,” she slowly got to her feet then reached for JC’s hand to help him up.

The moment was gone, JC realized, and almost breathed a sigh of relief. He had enough confusion going on in his head that he didn’t need to add to it. Yet once he stood up, he didn’t let go of Alice’s hand as they headed to the dining hall. She squeezed his hand in reassurance as they both silently felt the bond between them grow stronger.

Dinner was uncomfortable for everyone. Some people, like Jeff, tried to ease the tension of the group by joking about how he rode a bull through a field of flowers that finally bucked him off into a river. Alice smiled at some of the stories she was hearing but she was in no mood to share just yet.

No evening activity was planned to allow the guests more recovery time before the following day. This suited JC and Alice perfectly fine as they slowly made their way back to their rooms.

“You feeling a little better now?” JC asked.

“A bit but I’m pretty sure I dreamed up how delicious those crab cakes were.”

“Then I think we both did because those were outstanding.” They walked in silence a bit more until they reached their doors. “So…” JC immediately trailed off.

“So…” Alice followed suit.

“Do you wanna…talk about what happened?”

Alice sighed. “Yes and no. I mean, I do but I’m still trying to make sense of it all myself. I don’t even know where to start to explain it.”

“Why don’t you write it down? Still might come out all jumbled and weird but then it’s at least there for you to look at and try to piece together.”

“That’s not a terrible idea,” Alice admitted but was still skeptical. “Do you, uh, do wanna talk?”

“I do but, um, I think I want to take you up on your advice…about calling one of the guys.”

“They were in your dream?”

“Big time,” JC told her. “I mean, I know it’s not really stuff they were saying but…”

“Is it something they would say though? Or even something they’ve said before?”

“Some variation on it, yeah,” JC scratched the back of his neck. “Just missing them a bit extra now.”

“Well don’t let me hold you up,” Alice gave him a soft smile as she went to unlock her door.

“Wait,” JC said, touching her arm. Alice turned back to face him. “Thank you.”

“I’m the one who should be thanking you. I was fucking freaked out back there.”

“Yeah, me too actually,” JC confessed. “It meant a lot to me that you were with me.”

“Oh,” Alice could only respond, unsure exactly how to take the compliment, forcing herself not to read too much into it. “I mean, we were there for each other, right? That’s how this works.”

“Yeah but…” JC felt it again, the urge to kiss her goodnight. He made himself take a step back. “It’s really been invaluable to go through this with you. I appreciate you listening and trying to help me out. I’m not the best at opening up but you make it a little easier somehow.”

Alice could feel the tears starting to form in her eyes at JC’s words. Her tear ducts stung from their recent overuse and Alice did her best to stop them from flowing. “Yeah, well, thank you for trusting me, especially, since, you know, you know how I feel about you and shit.”

“I’m just a guy, Alice. Nothing special.”

“No, JC, you’re very special. The only one who doesn’t see that is you.” Alice forced a smile to stop herself from crying and gave JC’s hand a firm squeeze before retreating to her room. JC stood there and watched the door close, wondering how Alice could still believe that lie after everything they’d shared thus far…and everything he knew was still to come.

Alice stripped off her clothes and headed for the shower in an attempt to gather some of her thoughts. The way JC had been looking at her…she had to be imagining it. Men didn’t look at her like…like…she refused to give the thoughts life. 

She did, however, realize one critical thing: she was going to have to tell JC the whole truth of her past. She knew she’d definitely never see that look again from him and it would be replaced by the one she was used to from everyone else…pity. The hot water beat onto Alice’s skin as she tried to tell herself it really was the best thing to do.

JC stared at his phone. It was just before 8pm and he was doing the math on all the guys' time zones. It was probably bath time for the twins so Lance was out. Ditto Chris as they were probably putting Nash to bed. He realized he actually had no idea where Justin was so that left him with his best option.

“Hey! I thought you were busy getting all zen and shit?” Joey picked up on the third ring.

“Hey, yeah. Sorry, is it too late?” JC asked.

“Nah, just eating some popcorn, watching stupid YouTube videos, nothing important. What’s up?”

“Can we…can we talk?”

“Yeah, of course man. What’s going on?” Joey’s tone grew more serious.

“No, I mean, can we just…talk? Like, about anything. How was your day?”

“JC, are you ok?” Joey asked, slightly concerned. Not that he didn’t appreciate the phone call but when JC normally wanted to talk, he had something on his mind and got to the point.

“Working on it,” JC told him. “This is weird, I’m…”

“Dude, it’s fine, just, surprised is all. Actually had a pretty chill day so not much to report unfortunately.”

“I gotcha. Sorry to have bugged you…”

“C, what the fuck?” Joey sat up on his couch. “I didn’t say I didn’t want to talk just I don’t have much to talk about. Unless you want to hear about Kloey’s art project, I’m kinda out of shit.”

“What’s her art project?” JC asked.

Joey stared at the phone for a moment. JC had been right; this was weird. Not in a bad way but definitely out of character. Joey went on to describe the project she was working on, then how she was doing in school, then how Brihana was doing and how he and Kelly were now trying to co-parent an adult. JC soaked it all up as he listened to Joey go on and on about his family and loved every second of it.

“So finally, I said “When you live under my roof, you have to follow my rules, that simple” and she goes “This isn’t even your roof, you rent!” Can you believe this kid?!” Joey fumed, remembering his recent fight with his eldest daughter.

“She's definitely yours, Joey,” JC laughed.

“So what’s going on with you, man? You don’t call your former band mate just to hear about his kid being a dick while you’re on vacation.”

JC sighed and ran a palm over his face. “I don’t know, I just…I miss talking. I miss hearing you brag about the girl you banged the night before each morning.”

“You hated when I’d do that,” Joey corrected him, “even though you were doing the same damn thing.”

“I wasn’t as crass about it,” JC smiled. “I miss you guys, ok. I miss Justin’s whining and worrying about what was going to come out of Chris’s mouth next and Lance’s failed attempts at trying to pretend he dug chicks and your smelly ass.”

“I can send you a fart in a jar. I heard people do that now and make good money.”

“That’s…disturbing on so many levels.”

“Seriously JC, you know I’m always happy to talk but it’s not like you to beat around the bush. What’s really going on?”

“Honestly…I miss you, Joe. I miss us, all of us.”

“You know there’s an easy way to fix that, right?”

“That’s the problem. It’s not as easy as you make it out to be.”

“And you make it far more complicated than it should be.”

“I’m just thinking ahead. I’m trying to make sure we have all the logistics figured out first.” Joey was always the most adamant about a reunion and JC the most hesitant. “I didn’t call to fight, Joey.”

“Ok,” Joey stated and grabbed a handful of popcorn. JC smiled and shook his head. He always admired Joey’s ability to let things roll off of him. It was rare for Joey to get riled up so you knew it was serious when he did.

JC realized it might be best just to dive in. “I had this dream…or vision…or drug induced hallucination, I’m not sure yet.”

“Ah, you’re high,” Joey realized, the strange call now making sense.

“No, I was high but not anymore.” JC paused, unsure if all the drugs had actually worn off by now. “Like, not pot but…it’s hard to explain.”

“So like some LSD shit?” That seemed a little hard for JC’s taste, Joey thought. “What kind of retreat is this?”

“Still trying to figure that out,” JC chuckled.

“Ok, so what was this great revelation you had? You finally want to get the band back together?”

“Maybe,” JC said quietly.

“Maybe!” Joey nearly shouted, knocking over his bag of popcorn. Maybe was a lot more than they’d been getting from JC lately.

“Don’t get carried away, Joe,” JC cautioned. “What I do know is I miss you guys. I think, maybe, Chris is right. We need to get away, all of us, together. Just, be together. Reconnect as friends first.”

“Do you think we aren’t friends?” Joey’s voice grew a little sad. 

“Of course we’re friends but we’ve got our own lives now. We all stay in touch but being together, like old times? It’s hard and…I get that but I hate that. We need to physically see each other more, not just text stupid shit.”

“What do you have in mind?”

“Well, I was thinking…Justin offered that one time to host. Bahamas would probably be easiest and most secluded.”

“Can Lance fly the kids yet?”

“He flew them to get home so they should be ok. I mean, we have time, it’s not next week or anything. I’m just spitballing.”

“One hell of a vision you had.”

“Well, that part, maybe, wasn’t the vision as much as it was Alice.”

“Who’s Alice?”

“She’s…” JC wasn’t really sure how to explain his budding relationship with Alice. “She’s a friend I made here. We go on walks in the morning together and talk about lots of stuff.”

“She hot?”

“God Joey,” JC laughed. “Never change.”

“Never have and never will,” Joey grinned. “You didn’t answer the question.”

“It isn’t relevant.”

“So, not hot…”

“She’s…I don’t know. I mean, she’s not Jen but she…she just needs some confidence. She’s getting out of a bad marriage and trying to find her footing again.”

“Well, I can relate to that.”

“Kelly didn’t die, Joe so, not exactly.”

“Oh shit, that sucks. How old is she?”

“Our age, a little younger I think. Got an eleven year old boy back home. Sounds like their both pretty fucked up from it.” JC didn’t know why he was telling Joey all this but it felt good to let some of his feelings out about her.

“I would be too if I were widowed in my forties. Kel can drive me nuts but she’s a great mom. I couldn’t imagine doing this without her in some way.”

“Yeah, well, from what I’ve gathered, her ex doesn’t seem like he was the nicest guy to her. I think…I think it might be a good thing he’s not around anymore.”

“Well then, good for her, I guess?” Joey shrugged. “So you gonna tell me about this prophecy or not?”

JC laughed and described his vision best he could to Joey. Joey listened and tried not to interrupt. It was clear to him that in his heart JC did want the band to reunite but was too scared. He’d been trying for years to get everyone on the same page and it had never worked. Maybe this retreat and this Alice chick were what JC needed to come around.

“So then I woke up and had myself wrapped around Alice and it was pretty embarrassing,” JC finished up.

“I’m sure she wasn’t complaining,” Joey chuckled. “Is it ok if I asked you something?”

“Sure,” JC gulped, not wanting to say no but a little worried about what was going to come out of Joey’s mouth.

“You said at one point you felt dead. Is that really how you feel?”

JC thought about it, a bit surprised that was what Joey was pinpointing from the whole tale. “Maybe not in those terms but, kind of, maybe sometimes. There’s so little to look forward to anymore, every day is just a repeat of the former and it’s so dull.”

“Can I make a suggestion?”

“Please don’t say reunion…”

“I’m not but keep it in the back of your head,” Joey told him. “To oversimplify it, you need a reason to get out of bed each morning.”

JC blinked, almost forgetting how insightful Joey could be when he wasn’t making bodily function jokes. “Yeah, that actually sums up a good chunk of it.”

“Well then, to start, you need to think of something each morning that’s gonna motivate you to get out of bed.”

“Yeah, that sounds simple enough,” JC rolled his eyes. “I don’t feel like planning activities every day.”

“Not exactly that but like, maybe one day you’re like “I gonna make a nice omelette for myself” or like “Oh, the new season of Ozark came out.” It doesn’t have to be anything big but just something to make you want to actually start your day.”

“Ok…” JC mulled it over. It seemed like a decent place to start but already felt like he was going to run out of things pretty quickly. “You got any ideas for tomorrow?”

“Easy,” Joey smiled. “You gotta get up for your walk with Alice. That one should sustain you for a couple days.”

Joey wasn’t wrong but JC wasn’t sure if he liked that Joey was right. “It has been a good way to start off the day.”

“C, you aren’t falling for her, are you?”

“Joey, no, plus it’s been like two days. She’s a friend, nothing more.”

“Ok, just checking.”

JC took a moment, deciding how much to really confide in Joey. “She does, uh, have a crush on me though. You know, old school *NSYNC fan and all.”

“Well, there’s no accounting for taste,” Joey smirked. “She actually tell you that?”

“Yeah, I mean she mentioned it when we first met but then we really talked about it last night.”

“How do you feel about that?”

“Weird but not in a bad way exactly. I mean, she knows general stuff about me and all you guys so there’s less explaining that needs to go into things. Also means she’s good at asking some questions I haven’t really answered to myself as of yet.”

“You got an example?”

“Something hasn’t been…right with me in a couple years. I noticed it a few months after the Star Ceremony but didn’t put it together until she mentioned it.”

“What happened at the Star Ceremony?”

“I don’t know, still working that out but my point is her fan knowledge was actually pretty helpful in this case.”

“Well, any help she can give you I’m all for,” Joey encouraged him. Joey had seen the decline in JC over the past few years, all the guys had. They were worried but every time someone brought it up to him, he always said he was “fine”. When he mentioned a few weeks back he was going to go on this retreat, the other members all took a collective sigh of relief. No one knew how to help JC but it had been clear he needed some and were grateful he recognized that as well.

JC looked at the clock as it crept past 9pm on his end. “I should let you go. It’s getting late.”

“You sure you’re good?”

“Yeah, this helped, thank you. Let’s do this more often though.”

“I’ll make sure Kloey has more extracurriculars for me to complain about,” Joey joked. “Anything you need, man. You know I’m always here for you; we all are.”

“Thanks Joey. I think this was what I needed right now,” JC let out a long breath and smiled. He really was feeling better after talking with Joey and vowed to have some time to chat with each of the guys when he got back home.

“Glad to help. I love you, bro.”

“Love you too, Joey,” JC said then disconnected the call. He sat still for a moment, taking the conversation in. It may have started awkward but it never felt forced. JC felt a bit more reassured that even though so many things separated the five of them physically, they were always just a phone call away.

JC climbed into bed and picked up one of the books on the side table. “Entangled in Darkness: a tale of aspirations, anxiety and acceptance,” JC read to himself. Seemed like the perfect read, he shook his head and settled in for the night.

Day 3

JC had passed out somewhere mid chapter three of his book and woke up blurry eyed but well rested the next morning. He took in a relaxing shower before heading to meet Alice, hoping after yesterday’s intense hike that today wouldn’t take as much of a toll on him.

He immediately knew he was wrong when he entered the lounge to find Alice sitting with her head hung low, envelope dangling from her fingertips. “It can’t be worse than yesterday,” JC tried to sound optimistic. Alice didn’t even look up as she handed the envelope up for him to read.

“Yesterday you demonstrated the unconscious bond that has already taken shape between the two of you. This morning’s exercise will show you both the importance of teamwork and trust to complete our boot camp obstacle course. Your instructor will meet you shortly.”

JC grimaced. His body had been pushed the past few days but he certainly hadn’t been expecting some military grade agility course. “Ok, we can do this,” he tried to put on a brave face.

Alice finally looked up, her expression clearly showing she didn’t believe him in the slightest. “Are you still high?” she quipped.

“It’s possible,” JC smiled and sat down next to her. “Come on, it won’t be so bad.”

“JC, this,” she gestured at her body, “is not a person who runs an obstacle course. This is not a person that runs, period.”

“Now that’s a lie cuz I have seen you run,” JC joked. “You survived your barre class. We managed to climb a freaking mountain yesterday. We can do it as long as we take our time and work together.”

“That’s the attitude I like to hear,” an older gentleman approached them. “Name’s Art and I’m assuming you’re Josh and Alice?” JC nodded in agreement. “Wonderful! I got a golf cart outside we can take to get to the course.”

“Is there an ambulance waiting to bring us back?” Alice asked.

Art gave a hearty laugh that almost seemed to billow through the room. With his white mustache and short beard, he looked like the fittest Santa Claus either of them had seen. “I promise to get you back on your own recognizance.”

Alice gave JC a wary look. JC forced a smile and gave her back a pat as she reluctantly stood. Every day it felt like their limits were being pushed in tougher and frankly odder ways and Alice had to keep reminding herself that it was important to remain open minded about all the various “character building” exercises they threw her way. Of course, that’s how she ended up drugged and feeling like she was standing inside a tree yesterday so what did she know.

Art drove the two out past the garden and down a dirt path into the valley, the lake they had seen the previous day coming into view. “Now don’t worry, I know the word boot camp can be daunting. Just think of it as a series of physical challenges you need to complete.”

“Unless this is Double Dare and I win moon shoes at the end, I’m not sure it’s worth it,” Alice deadpanned back to him.

Art once again gave a joyous belly laugh. “Oh, you’re a real spitfire, aren’t you?”

“More spit than fire nowadays,” she lamented.

“Definitely still fire in there,” JC smiled at her. Alice gave him a weak but appreciative smile back.

“Alright Lady and Gent, here we are,” Art pulled up to a clearing. Alice and JC walked forward and could see a short wood wall about a hundred feet away followed by a cargo net. “Leave your shoes here. You’ll need the heavy duty ones,” Art instructed them.

Once equipped with steel toed boots plus elbow and knee pads, the duo headed for the starting line. “This is like every terrible Field Day rolled into one,” Alice stated.

“Did you play any sports in school?” JC asked.

“Colorguard was mostly it but I did play defensive line woman in our intramurals powder puff league,” she told him.

“Football? Tough chick.”

“No, big chick. It was pretty easy to stop the cheerleaders who only played to impress the boys.”

“Well, bet they were cheering you on by the end of it.”

“Yeah, but, teenaged boys. It was more funny than athletic to them,” Alice shrugged. “You ready?”

JC nodded but noted how she clearly didn’t want to continue that conversation. High school had been weird for him. He was shy but oddly not unpopular back in Maryland. Once he started the television show, of course everyone wanted to be his friend. When he finally did transfer to Dr. Philips, he mostly just kept his head down and stuck with his friends from the show. It wasn’t bad but it wasn’t memorable. 

“Alright kids,” Art began. “This isn’t a race but it’s about teamwork and helping your partner. I’m supposed to say something about remembering to let others help you on your journey or some horseshit but if you get some kind of inspiration from doing this, good for you. I’m here to show you how to traverse this course safely and make sure you don’t die.”

“I’m beginning to like you, Art,” Alice smiled.

“Remember that feeling because you’re going to hate me in about five minutes,” he chuckled. “Let’s go,” he told them as he took off in a jog. JC and Alice dutifully followed as they soon approached the first obstacle. “Simple to start. Just climb over the four foot walls.”

Both threw their bodies over the two walls before them, JC slightly easier than Alice, and jogged up to the cargo net. Alice took the net with ease and JC marveled at her as she ascended. It took him a minute to get the rhythm but he eventually joined her at the top and they traversed down the back side together.

“What in the ninja warrior hell is that?” JC asked as they approached the next obstacle.

“It’s called a Z wall,” Art told them as he walked up to it. “The goal is to steady your feet and balance with your fingertips.” Art hopped up onto the wall, one foot on a small piece of wood jutting out, about a foot and a half apart from the next, while he gripped similar blocks around chest height and started quickly across the wall. “You’re only two feet off the ground. You’re fine,” Art called back.

JC looked over at Alice to find her already hoisting herself up on the first peg. She made it past the first four fairly easily then paused as she tried to round the outer corner. “I’ve made a terrible mistake,” she declared.

“Hold tight, I’ll guide you,” JC positioned himself below her and helped her find her footing around the blind turn. She made it to the inward turn but the transition was awkward. “I got you, go slow,” JC braced her, his hands holding her waist.

Alice took a moment to breathe, taking in the feel of JC’s fingertips before continuing. With JC’s help, she made it to the end where he greeted her with a high five. “Great job, Alice!” Art enthused. “Josh, you’re up.”

JC was able to complete the obstacle a bit easier, having watched Alice tackle it first. Alice spotted him as he went but wasn’t surprised that JC could handle a balance challenge. They barely had time to relish their success as Art took off towards the next challenge.

“Oh, absolutely not,” Alice stated as she came to a halt in front of a hanging twelve foot long rope. “I have zero upper body strength.”

“Now we both know that’s not true,” Art gave her a wink. Alice stared at him a moment, trying to decide if he was just being encouraging or he knew more than he was letting on. “Josh, why don’t you show her how it’s done?”

JC approached the rope cautiously. It wasn’t an exercise he was unfamiliar with but more one he hadn’t done in a very long time. He shimmied slowly up the rope, his muscles immediately starting to burn as they carried his weight. He stretched and successfully rung the bell at the top and tried to lower himself carefully. He dropped in an exhausted heap on the mats below once his feet touched the ground and managed to give a thumbs up to show he was ok as he worked to regain his breath.

“Yeah, that’s why I’m not doing that,” Alice told Art.

“You’re scared,” Art smiled at her.

“No, I’m sensible. I cannot climb that rope. I am not strong enough to hold myself up. These are just facts.”

“I’ll help,” JC breathed as he got himself to his feet.

“You look like you are about to pass out,” Alice quipped. “I don’t want you hurting yourself.”

“I can give you a boost, it’s fine,” JC walked over.

“JC, no,” she stood firm. “I am a lot bigger than you. If I fall, it would be really dangerous for both of us.”

“Teamwork, remember?” JC told her.

“Yeah, and part of teamwork is making sure your partner stays safe,” Alice grew angrier.

JC looked at her, trying to figure out what really had her so upset. “Can you please just try?” he asked her softly.

Alice felt her resolve start to crumble looking at JC’s pleading eyes. She turned away in a huff and went towards the rope. “No one ever fucking listens to me,” she grumbled as she positioned herself to climb.

JC quickly got behind her. He thought he’d just spot her like before but Alice had been right; she kept sliding down the rope whenever she tried to move her hand upwards. JC knelt down next to her. “Try again,” he yelled up. Alice grunted as she tried to move and JC quickly swept his hands under Alice’s foot to hoist her up. “Again,” he told her.

Ever so slowly, Alice inched her way up as JC supported her. He couldn’t lie, it hurt but then again, he wasn’t randomly carrying Jen around the house anymore. Hell, the dog took a lot out of him some days. He was out of shape and while he knew that, this week was a real wake up call about it.

“Doing great!” Art shouted to the both of them. “Almost there.”

Alice looked up and could see the bell in sight. She nearly screamed in frustration and pain as she reached and caught the bottom of it with her fingertips. She could hear applause as JC’s hands gave her a quick squeeze before helping her get down. She laid down on the mat and shut her eyes, breathing heavily.

“Blah blah blah, teamwork. Blah blah blah don’t be afraid to ask for help. Blah blah,” she heard Art say over her. She opened her eyes and promptly gave him the middle finger, making both him and JC laugh.

“You ok?” she looked at JC.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he shrugged off.

“You actually ok?” she asked him again.

“Just out of shape is all,” he smiled.

“Don’t lie,” she warned him.

“I’m not lying,” JC protested. “I’m not in my twenties anymore. Neither of us are.”

“You would have struggled even when you were in the best shape of your life,” Alice informed him.

“Hey? Why are you giving me so much shit?” JC sat down next to her. “Are you mad I helped you?”

“No, just…” Alice breathed. “I didn’t want you to get hurt.”

“I didn’t.”

“You could have.”

“Jesus, Alice. What is going on in there?” JC grew exasperated.

“Look, I know I’m not…” Alice swallowed hard. “I really didn’t need you to have the physical reminder of exactly how fat I am, ok?”

“Alice…” JC said softly, putting an arm around her. “You aren’t fat.”

“No, I am. Let’s be honest. It’s an absolute fact and like, it’s hard enough just being…but to have you…” Alice stopped talking, wiping a tear away. She didn’t know how to convey a lifetime of inadequacy into a few sentences.

JC could tell trying to let Alice know she was wrong wasn’t going to be the right approach. “Alice, you are going through some really rough shit right now, and it seems like you have been for quite some time. You have got to be a little kinder to yourself.”

“That’s not how the world is, JC,” she lamented.

“I know, Honey. That’s why you have to give that gift to yourself. The world is hard so you gotta find the peace within you.”

“How do you do that?” she looked at him, genuinely looking for an answer.

“I, uh…” JC stammered, realizing the hole he’d just put himself in. “It’s hard to do, don’t get me wrong, but I try to remind myself that the good outweighs the bad. Case in point: it may have taken me longer to climb that rope than it used to but that doesn’t mean I’m not still healthy.” JC flashed back to his vision from the prior day and knew he was completely lying to this poor woman. If there was one thing JC would admit to, it was knowing he was his harshest critic.

“I’ve always been overweight but never had any health issues,” Alice told him. “Even when I was pregnant, they were worried I might get gestational diabetes but I didn’t. I kept the pregnancy weight on though and Donny, well, he didn’t like that.”

“I’m guessing Donny was pretty into fitness based on the hiking and what not?”

“No, Donny was a lazy piece of shit,” Alice said abruptly. “It was fine for him to grow fat and drink beer every day but not me. I mean, not that I wanted that but the double standard was just…we had a lot of fights about it.”

“I’m sorry that Donny ever made you feel like you just being you wasn’t enough,” JC brushed a tear away from her cheek with his thumb.

Alice looked up into JC’s warm soulful eyes and fought hard not to fall completely into them. The comfort she always imagined would be there was now real and in the flesh and all she wanted was to let go and indulge in it. That wasn’t how this worked though, she reminded herself as she forced herself to look away. “Yeah, well, I got used to it,” she put her defenses back up as she stood, extending her hand to JC.

JC eyed her as he rose, seeing the shift that had happened. Part of him wished Alice would just let out what happened but it was clear just from the bits and pieces he got how bad things had been. He felt silly to feel like he had problems in comparison to what Alice had endured.

“What’s next, Art?” Alice walked up to him. Art smiled at her, like an approving grandpa, and started jogging wordlessly to the next obstacle. Alice followed behind leaving JC to scramble to catch up.

The trio came upon a dirt hill where Art stopped. “Oh for God’s sake,” JC cried out as he saw the pool of muddy water below them.

“You seem like a nice guy, Josh but seeing famous tycoons and celebs get dirty is the best part of my job,” Art laughed.

“I’m not that famous anymore. Can I run through a sprinkler and call it a day?” JC asked him, to which, of course, Art gave another full bellied laugh. JC didn’t even try to argue as he began to slowly make his way down the other side of the hill. His footing, however, quickly gave out as he landed on his backside and slid into the water.

He barely had come up when he heard a splash next to him. “JC, are you ok?!” Alice waded over to him.

“Yeah, only my pride was injured,” he chuckled as he tried in vain to wipe off his glasses and quickly gave up, turning and handing them up to Art. “This should be even more fun to you now that I’m blind.”

“Everything is kind of blurried blind or I can’t see my hand in front of my face blind?” Art asked.

“The former,” JC informed him.

“Then you’ll live,” Art smiled. “I’ll clean these off so you can have them back fresh as new when you’re done.”

“Come on, I’ll help,” Alice took his hand and guided him towards the opposite muddy hill. Up and through two more pools of water, Alice made sure JC safely navigated the terrain. Sometimes she coached him where to plant his foot while others she steadied herself to pull him up the steep slippery hills. JC was tired but Alice kept encouraging him to keep going.

Once on the final embankment, the two were met with a twenty foot high inclined slip wall. JC grabbed his glasses back and threw his feet up high so he was nearly horizontal. His grip on the rope was the only thing to stop him from falling as the surface was much slicker than he anticipated.

Before he could think of his next move, he felt a pair of hands grip his butt hard and push him up the wall. JC used the momentum to get up a few feet and steady himself on a drier section he found. Once secure, he bent his knee and lunged to extend the other, letting Alice use him for leverage to get herself started up the rope behind him. They continued this pattern until JC reached the top and was able to wrap his legs around the scaffolding and reach down to pull Alice to join him.

“Mighty fine teamwork out there,” Art called up to them. “Not everyone has the same strengths or the same struggles; remember that.”

“That almost sounded like advice,” Alice yelled back.

“No, just wisdom from an old coot who’s been around long enough to have learned it,” Art told them. “Come on, one more and you're done.”

“I don’t know if I can survive one more,” JC told Alice as he was still trying to get his breathing back to regular.

“Me neither. Wanna die together?” Alice suggested.

“I don’t think that’s the type of teamwork Art meant but sure,” JC agreed with a smile as the two carefully climbed down the back side of the wall to the ground. Another short jog and their last obstacle awaited them.

“Art, be honest with me? Are you a sadist?” JC asked as she stared at the field of mud with barbed wire strung across at varying heights.

“A little bit,” Art gave a wry smile.

“Not normally how I like my sadism but to each their own,” JC commented, causing Alice to look at him in shock. JC caught her gaze and chuckled. “It was a joke, Alice.”

“Yeah, don’t…don’t make that joke with me,” she told him. JC looked at her confused for a moment then blushed, realizing a sex joke doesn’t really work on a person who’s thought about actually having sex with you. That made JC pause just a moment. He obviously knew Alice’s feelings but as he got to know her more and more each day, realizing she’d more than likely imagined them…together suddenly felt much more intimate than the average fan fawning all over him.

“Keep yourself low and remember: if you snag your clothes, they aren’t yours to begin with,” Art quipped as the duo lined up to the start. They gave each other a look as JC shrugged and Alice smiled, simultaneously bending to their knees then flat to their stomachs into the mud.

Art shouted encouragement as they crawled along and helped each of them back to their feet when they completed the course. They were both completely covered in wet cold mud that was dripping off their fingertips and hair, JC attempting to spit out a bit of muck that had splashed into his mouth.

“So, how do you two feel?” Art asked as he handed them water bottles and towels.

JC swirled some water in his mouth and spat. “Fucking tired but good…accomplished.”

“I literally cannot believe we did that,” Alice turned back to look at the course.

“Whatever you want is achievable, kids. Just remember you can’t always do it all on your own,”  Art told them.

“You know what I want right now?” Alice began to smile.

“A hot bath?” JC questioned as he cleaned his glasses again.

“Yes but more importantly…I think I want to give Art a hug,” her smile turned into a mischievous smirk as she eyed Art’s fairly clean outfit.

“Oh no,” Art began to back away, then took off in a run. As tired as Alice was, she still chased him as JC laughed at their antics. Art ended up taking a wide turn and doubling back and JC pounced as soon as he was within enough reach. “Ok, I deserved this,” Art laughed as JC wrapped him in a tight hold as Alice came up and hugged the other side of him, making sure he got nice and muddy with them.

They stayed like that a few moments until Alice let go. “Ok, now I’m starting to get cold,” she said, wrapping the now muddy towel around herself.

“Time to get you two back. Don’t worry, your breakfast will show up after you’ve had time to shower. They time everything out around this place,” Art said as he led them back to the golf cart.

Alice and JC huddled together in the back seat to keep each other warm as they drove back…at least that’s what they were telling themselves. Alice was replaying her breakdown about her body and how her size hadn’t deterred JC in the slightest from helping her. JC was thinking about his innocent joke that had suddenly become serious and what exactly that meant to Alice and maybe what he wanted it to mean. The two sat silently as they rode along, lost in thoughts about the other.

Alice was all too happy to be greeted by the smell of pancakes as she exited the shower. She wrapped herself up warmly in her robe and took her breakfast tray out onto her porch to enjoy the view as she ate. A smile crossed her face as she thought back again on the morning. She couldn’t remember the last time a guy made her feel…normal, as if she was just like any other woman around. So many people spent their lives wanting to stand out but all Alice ever wanted was to fit in.

A gentle strumming filled Alice’s ears as she sipped her tea. She tensed, immediately remembering how JC had said he hadn’t been inspired in a while. She felt like she was eavesdropping on JC’s creative process yet he was outside where anyone walking by could have observed him. Alice stayed still, watching the privacy wall between them intently.

Don’t size me up

Just say my name

I wanna hear it fall down your chin

Dribble like…

He worked over this bit for some time, adjusting the tempo, playing with different words to finish his lyrics. Alice quietly listened as JC tried to find something he was satisfied with. His voice was soft, tentative…different from the confident belt she’s grown accustomed to hearing from him. She didn’t know if it was because he wasn’t sure of the song, his singing or just being courteous of his neighbors but Alice made sure to pay attention to every note he uttered as she didn’t know the next time she’d ever hear him sing again.

A knock on Alice’s door drew her attention away. She opened it to find Michael on the other side. “Morning Alice. Heard it was a rough one today,” he smiled at her as she moved to let him enter.

“Do you all talk about us on your breaks or something?” Alice asked with a laugh as she shut the door.

“Oh hell yeah,” Michael confirmed. “There’s no TVs around this place…gotta find entertainment somewhere.” Michael proceeded to get the massage table set up as Alice cleaned up her dishes. “I’m ready when you are,” Michael informed her after a couple moments as a warm crisp spearmint scent began to fill the air.

Alice suddenly realized that she was very naked under her robe. She ran to the dresser to grab clothes and quickly disappeared into the bathroom to change. Sports bra and underwear on, Alice reached for the pair of shorts and paused. She turned and looked in the mirror, assessing the situation.

She pinched the bit of belly fat she had. Not a gut but still soft and fleshy, stretch marks that had barely faded since they were formed over a decade ago. Alice adjusted her breasts in her bra. They weren’t big, a solid C, but far from perky anymore. She turned to the side and gingerly ran her fingertips down the nearly eight inch scar on her left hip. Had JC grabbed her there when he lifted her up? She couldn’t remember. It hadn’t hurt but that could have been purely due to the adrenaline.

Alice breathed as she left the shorts on the edge of the sink and pulled her robe back on. She’d be under a sheet, she reminded herself, but still knew Michael would be able to see more of her than nearly any man ever had. Michael was professional though, she reasoned, so if she couldn’t start letting her guard down in front of him, she’d never be able to if she met someone she wanted to be naked in front of. 

A quick flash of JC’s gaze as they sat under the rope climb entered her mind and she forced herself to push it away. She gave Michael an uneasy smile before he held up the sheet and turned his head as always to let Alice climb in. Alice disrobed and did her best to relax. As soon as Michael’s hands touched her, however, she felt her concerns soon melt away.

JC put his guitar away as his own masseuse soon visited him. He lay naked face down on the table as the young lady worked over his upper arms with extra care given their recent work out. He kept thinking about his song in his head, about Alice, about how sore and old he was. His own advice to Alice was coming back to haunt him. He was healthy, just not as fit as before. He’d found a nice balance in his thirties between the two and wondered if he could get that back.

He thought back to the better version of himself he’d envisioned the day before. It was pretty good for forty five, he reasoned, but not great for a pop star. He remembered talking to Justin a few months prior about how much harder he had to work now to stay in shape to tour and keep up with two kids. JC didn’t envy him but missed when the two of them would lift weights together, smiling at how young and vain they had been to see who could get the biggest biceps.

His body felt like one big ache from the past few days but he was learning to not hate it. Again, his thoughts traveled back to Alice and her own admissions about her body. It was clear she struggled before she met Donny but he certainly made matters a whole lot worse. Could she lose some weight? Sure but so could he. It wasn’t going to change the beautifully fragile but resilient soul she was. He wished she could see that and began to wonder if hearing it from him might just be the way to get it through to her.

The duo met back up after their respective therapy sessions for lunch. “How you feeling?” Alice asked as JC sat next to her, seafood salad appetizers quickly appearing in front of them. 

“Mentally or physically?” he questioned.

“Both,” she smiled before taking a bite.

“I kind of just want to sleep but my mind is racing with like a thousand different intersecting thoughts,” JC told her.

“Welcome to my world,” she chuckled.

JC wanted to continue their conversation about how Alice viewed her body to hopefully get a better sense of how he was feeling in his own skin but had no clue how to broach the topic. “What’s your afternoon look like?” he asked instead.

“I was supposed to do a cycling class but my therapist suggested I switch to boxing.”

“Boxing? Really?” JC couldn’t hide his surprise.

“Yeah, apparently she thought today would be a good day to work out some of my, uh, pent up feelings on a punching bag.”

“Why today?”

“I don’t really know. I’m feeling…well, I guess I’m feeling just lots of feelings today. Some happy, some sad, some angry. I didn’t think that course would mentally mess with me as much as it did.”

“Same, actually. I’ve been thinking a lot about it all morning. I, um, I don’t really know how to say what I want to you about it,” JC stammered.

“Shit,” Alice dropped her fork and turned to face him. “You got hurt, didn’t you? I told you you shouldn’t have…”

“No, Alice, I’m not hurt, I swear,” he reassured her. She stopped and looked at him confused. “Damn, now I really don’t know how to say it.”

“Just say it, it’s ok,” Alice told him, concern in her voice.

JC swallowed and tried to remember the things his therapist had pointed out to him just twenty minutes prior. “I lied to you, Alice. When you asked about how I’m kind to myself; I’m not. Not at all. I beat myself up a lot mentally and it’s…it’s been getting harder and harder not to as the years drag on.”

“I get it,” Alice said softly, giving his hand a squeeze.

“I don’t…I didn’t like hearing the way you talk about yourself, back at the rope climb. Getting to know you just these past few days, I do get where some of it comes from but I wish you could just see all the amazing parts of you. And I know, “ JC held up his hand as he saw Alice start to open her mouth, “that’s pretty hypocritical coming from me but I don’t think I would have seen it that way before I met you. You somehow make me think a lot about the things I’ve been purposely ignoring for a while now.”

Alice blinked at JC, now unable to speak. She didn’t understand how she was helping him at all. She could barely help herself. He was talented and famous, richer than she’d ever know and could have any woman of his choosing. She was just…her. She wasn’t influential or inspiring. Nothing he was saying made sense in her mind.

“Uh, well, good,” she finally got out. “I mean, that’s the point, right. Come here, work your shit out. Guess there was a method to their madness of pairing us together,” she turned back to her food.

JC watched her for a moment, noticing her body hunching over her plate more prominently than before. It reminded him of their hike the prior morning, the uninhibited moment of tenderness they shared before Alice backed away. He was noticing a pattern of her retreating into herself when things got serious with them and didn’t really know how to take it.

Some late comers joined their table so JC unfortunately left the conversation stand where it was. Alice slowly grew more talkative as the meal continued, interacting with other guests and sharing stories of their experiences thus far. JC knew the tactic well; engaging in the easy topics masked the turmoil going on underneath. 

As lunch came to an end and everyone started to head out to their afternoon activities, JC grabbed Alice’s hand to keep her just a moment. “Are you ok?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” she said dismissively.

“No you aren’t,” JC countered. “I’m not sure what I said that…”

“It’s fine, you’re fine,” Alice swallowed, not wanting to get defensive. “I just…it’s hard to hear nice things about myself because I just don’t believe them. I feel like I’m getting lied to.”

“We have the same problem,” JC finally admitted. “I don’t take compliments well anymore, or rather just brush it off as lip service. We…we gotta figure out a way to…”

“You don’t know. You don’t know, JC,” Alice felt the tears coming.

“What don’t I know, Alice?” JC looked her in the eyes.

Alice shook her head, dropping her eyes from his gaze. She needed to come clean but she just couldn’t do it. “Not now,” she whispered.

JC pulled her into a tight hug. “It’s ok, Honey. Whenever you’re ready.” He held her there a moment, waiting for her breathing to settle. “Come on, you need to get to class,” he told her, giving the top of her head a kiss before releasing her.

“I’m sorry, I’m just…” Alice tried.

“Hey, it’s ok. Go to class, we’ll catch up later,” he tried to reassure her. JC watched as Alice quickly exited and sighed. He knew there was stuff she was holding back but she’d hinted enough, he had an overall idea what she had been through. The story couldn’t get any worse, right?

Alice hit the weighted bag hard and reset herself, this time punching with the other hand. She found it ironic she was now learning how to throw one safely as she alternatively kicked the side of the bag as well. She purposely waited in between moves, knowing if she went too fast, if she took out her emotions fully on the inanimate swinging bag, she’d likely completely break down.

What the hell was JC getting at? She didn’t like being that vulnerable in front of anyone. So many people back home had no clue about the real story with Donny until he died. Until it was in the paper, on the local news. All the secrets suddenly poured out of the closet she’d worked so hard to keep shut. Even in death, Donny continued to torment her.

This retreat, however, had her hitting her tipping point much faster than normal. Part of it was just all the work being done, mental and physical, but she had to admit it mostly had to do with getting so close to JC. Maybe it would be easier if it was someone else, she wouldn’t care about their opinion of her. She couldn’t bare to have JC hate her yet she desperately wanted to let him in. She wanted to confess everything to him, hear him say that she’d done the right thing, be held tightly in his arms, kissed and caressed and…

Alice punched the bag with renewed force. That was the problem, Alice had to admit. The real JC, compassion wise, was too close to how she imagined him. Giving in meant giving into the fantasy they could be together and she knew that would never ever happen. She didn’t want to get hurt again, especially by him. She knew it wasn’t his fault, he had a lovely girlfriend, a whole other life back home. Yet she still selfishly craved it and she knew if she kept thinking that way, she’d ruin it all. Best to keep the focus on being friends.

JC kept kneading the clay in his hands, trying to take his mind off of Alice and onto the sculpture he was supposed to be making. He wanted to be creative and not just make a bowl or something easy but nothing was sparking his brain except Alice. That talk…that look on her face, looking at him for guidance, for help. It lingered still in his memory. He felt like he let her down, his fans down, his band mates, his parents, his girlfriend…the list seemed endless.

He went back to his advice to Alice that she needed to be kinder to herself. He believed that yet somehow didn’t think the same applied to him. He breathed through his frustration, it growing as he knew getting mad at himself that he couldn’t be nicer internally was counterproductive.

“Ok, grace,” JC thought to himself as he stared at the clay. “I need some grace. What’s graceful?” He tossed the ball of clay from one hand to another. Swans were graceful. Doves maybe? JC smiled as he settled on an image. A horse. Running free, mane blowing in the wind…yeah, he could do that.

For once, however, JC’s ambition exceeded his talent as he stared at his bit of molded clay. The body was way too round, the legs too short and the neck too fat. The tail kept falling off and the face…JC curled his lip in disgust at whatever he had done to this poor creature.

“That’s cute,” the cheery blonde next to him commented with her southern drawl. “What is it?”

“A mistake,” JC grimaced as he inspected it once more. “I was trying to make a horse and I made…this.”

“No, I like it.  Very Lindberg inspired,” she told him as she took a closer look. “You have a good eye for art.”

JC shrugged and looked over at the bowl the woman had created. “Yours looks…sturdy.”

The woman gave a high pitched laugh. “Oh I gave up years ago trying to actually make something at one of these types of “expression your feelings through art” shindigs. Now I just show up hoping one day to get the full Patrick Swayze experience, if you know what I’m saying,” she winked and eyed JC up and down.

“Oh, well, good luck with that,” JC tried to smile politely as he could feel his cheeks growing red.

“Hey wait, I know you,” the woman looked at him closer. JC gulped and braced himself. “You’re Alice’s partner, uh, something with letters…AJ, right?”

“JC, but close enough,” JC smiled as he breathed a sigh of relief.

“Millie,” she extended her hand, introducing herself. “You two have gotten cozy pretty quick.”

“Alice is a great lady,” JC simply confirmed as he shook her hand.

“She’s sweet. Just needs more confidence and a good dicking,” Millie stated.

If JC had been drinking, he would have done a spit take. “I’m sorry, what?”

“Don’t worry, I’m not implying you. She said you have a girlfriend and she isn’t your type,” Millie mused then raised her eyebrow. “Unless she is.”

“I like Alice as a person,” JC told her quickly.

“But do you like her?”

“I’ve known her for three days.”

“You’re avoiding the question,” Millie chided him. “Girlfriend aside, do you like her?”

JC thought about it. It wasn’t a simple yes or no. He did like Alice. He’d thought a few times about kissing her but nothing more. He didn’t find her unattractive but he wasn’t physically attracted to her either, which made him feel kind of guilty. Was he really that hung up on appearance? 

Millie could sense JC’s hesitation and smiled. “Let me guess. Not normally the type of woman you’d bone but you have this “connection” with her, right?” JC stared at Millie and she took his silence as agreement. “I can tell you right now you’re overthinking it. Just let whatever happens happen.”

“Well, as you stated, I have a girlfriend so nothing is going to happen,” JC tried to politely end the conversation.

Millie was having none of it and tried a different angle. “You know, Alice is like your dumpy little horse,” she said as she reached over and took the horse carefully out of JC’s hands. “She might look different than the other horses you’d want to ride but that doesn’t mean she isn’t still beautiful.”

“I never said…” JC stopped himself, thinking before he continued. He actually had thought of her as beautiful just that morning, but in regards to her soul, not her appearance. He shut his eyes and cursed at himself, realizing Alice had been right about their previous encounter; he really was about looks over substance back then.

“It’s ok, I get it,” Millie told him. “Hearing stories about her tragic past isn’t exactly going to make your dick hard.”

“I’m not sure what Alice has told you…” JC started.

“Dead shit bag of a husband,” Millie cut in. “Losing someone you love that didn’t love you back…it’s a lot of mixed emotions. I get it but it’s clear she wants to move on but doesn’t know how to.”

JC bit his lip, silently agreeing. Alice’s life was complicated but at least she knew that. JC felt like every day he was discovering a new way he was fucked up and the process was overwhelming at times. “I don’t know what advice I can give her,” JC confessed. “All I can do is listen.”

“I think that’s more than she’s had in a while,” Millie smiled at him and handed him back his horse. The rough edges had been smoothed down and the face given a bit more definition. Millie had even been able to add back on a simple short tail while they were talking.

“Wow,” JC looked the horse over. “This looks incredible.”

“Same horse, CJ, just gussied up a bit,” she began to clean off her hands. “Even the plainest things can be lovely, especially when you know the journey they took to get there.”

JC gave an appreciative nod of understanding to Millie as he walked the horse to the kiln to be set. He smiled, looking at the little thing and was amazed how ugly he thought it had been just a few minutes earlier. Still the same horse but it took the right person to see the beauty in it and make it come to life.

He started to clean up his station as his head filled with thoughts of Alice, of other women he hadn’t given a chance to. He wanted to blame it on youth, on being a global superstar but he had to admit vanity was in there as well. Millie, in her weird way, was right; he wanted someone he was attracted to in every aspect and he knew he’d finally found the one when he met Jen.

JC headed back to his room, truly missing his girlfriend for the first time since he’d arrived. He knew how lucky he was that she continued to stick by him, no matter how bad it got, and he knew how neglectful he had been of late. He wished he could tell her but they’d promised each other no contact while he was gone. Get your shit together and see where things stood when he got back home. 

JC almost wished he had another therapy session today. He checked his schedule and saw was supposed to get a detoxifying mud bath. Figuring he’d had enough mud for one day, he called the spa to cancel and pulled out his swim trunks. He needed to move and work out some of what was going on in his head.

Alice didn’t know what Aqua Yoga was before she got to the class but honestly wished she had a pool back home to continue doing it. It was the perfect cool down after her intense boxing class yet was a harder workout than she imagined. The feel of the warm water helped ease her mind from the current turmoil it was having and focus on her well being. She couldn’t believe she’d actually enjoyed an exercise class.

There was time before dinner so Alice indulged in the warm steam of the sauna as she let her swimsuit dry outside. It felt nice to lay against the warm planks and breathe in the humid air, a towel laying loosely to cover her. She could understand why people who could afford it would want this feeling every day. It was almost like all her troubles were outside this room and she was actually safe to unwind and relax for once.

Her sanctuary was interrupted as the door opened, emitting a plume of smoke into the air, from which emerged a wet JC, clad only in a towel. Alice thought maybe she had passed out from the heat but made sure to keep her mouth from hanging open just in case.

“Oh, shit. Hey Alice,” JC stammered when he saw her. “Sorry, I can leave if you…”

“No, you’re ok,” she told him. He was naked under that towel, she knew it and suddenly she remembered that so was she. She didn’t move a muscle as she watched JC unwrap his towel and lay it over his lap. “I thought you had some spa treatment this afternoon?”

“Yeah, ditched it. Still kinda in my head about some stuff, went for a swim in the outdoor pool.”

“Did it help?”

“Not really,” JC told her with a shrug.

“Yeah, this place is pulling up lots of weird shit,” Alice confessed with a sigh. “Don’t let your thoughts eat at you, trust me.” Alice very carefully sat up, holding the towel tight against her. “I’ve been in here for a bit. Why don’t I let you relax and I’ll catch up with you at dinner?” she said as she swung her legs down off the bench and prepared to stand.

“Oh my God,” JC’s breath caught in his throat, his eyes immediately drawn to Alice’s bare left thigh and the pink puffy scar running down it.

Alice tried in vain to cover herself but there wasn’t enough towel to adequately do so. “It looks worse than it is,” she brushed off while trying to figure out how to gracefully get out of there.

JC couldn’t hold in his horror at what he saw and felt compelled to have his fears for Alice confirmed. “Did Donny do this to you?” he asked quietly.

“Well, I mean, I kind of did it to myself, if I’m being…” Alice forced herself to stop. Stop lying, stop joking, stop acting like it wasn’t a big deal. She needed to come clean, needed to say it out loud, needed to let JC know she wasn’t this good person he kept thinking she was inside. “Our last fight was pretty…pretty intense.”

“That fucking bastard,” JC fumed. “If he wasn’t dead, I’d kill him myself.”

“Don’t worry, JC,” Alice breathed as she looked up into his eyes. “I’m the one that killed him.”

 

 

JC stared unblinking at Alice for a long moment, trying to understand what she had just said. “No,” he finally managed to utter. “Alice, no, Jesus. You can’t blame yourself for that. Things happen, people die, it’s not…”

“You aren’t understanding, JC,” she hung her head, refusing to look at him. “I literally killed him…with a fucking steak knife from the dining room table.”

JC stopped breathing. He genuinely could not believe this woman he’d gotten to know over the past couple days was capable of…JC’s eyes fell upon Alice’s scar again. “Your last fight,” JC was slowly putting the pieces together. “He did that to you and you…”

“Yeah,” Alice breathed.

JC got up and came to sit next to her, pulling her body towards him in a tight embrace. “Honey, that’s self defense. You…you did what you had to do.”

“Did I?” she asked but didn’t wait for an answer. “There were so many times I could have left, hundreds…thousands of incidents when I should have said enough and taken Patrick with me. It didn’t have to come to this.”

JC didn’t know what to say. He’d never had to deal with this type of situation and realized how lucky he was for that fact. “It’s ok now,” he tried to comfort her.

“It’s not ok now,” she snapped at him. “I’ve got a traumatized kid, a house in disrepair, debts I didn’t even know about flooding in and years of repressed feelings that are finally coming out. I am anything but ok.”

The amount of anger but steadfastness in Alice’s voice surprised JC. He continued to rub her shoulder, not knowing what else to do. “I’m here if you want to talk, Alice,” he told her. “About anything, doesn’t matter. I’m here for you, always.”

JC couldn’t tell if Alice was laughing or crying at that statement but soon realized it was a bit of both as she turned to look at him. “Do you realize how fucking weird this is for me? I’ve had a crush on you for thirty fucking years and the only reason I am here with you right now is because I murdered my abusive, piece of shit husband. I know they say the Lord works in mysterious ways but Jesus Christ!”

The confusion led to a smile that JC couldn’t contain. “I’m sorry,” he tried to grow serious. “I can’t imagine, I just…wow, that really is ironic,” he shook his head with a laugh.

“More like symbolic,” Alice sighed and allowed herself to lean her head on his bare shoulder and stare off. For all the times her husband teased her about “visiting Wonderland”, she felt like she was actually living in it now but it wasn’t as magical and carefree as she’d hoped it would be.

The duo sat in silence for a few moments. JC tried hard to put himself in Alice’s position. What if he’d come here and Michelle Pfieffer had been assigned as his partner? It would be a little weird but he just thought she was an attractive woman, he wasn’t invested in her life the way Alice was with him.

That thought gave him some pause. It was always so awkward for him to deal with the pedestal some fans put him up on but Alice was getting him to at least understand it a little bit better. It was natural to seek out something that would give you comfort in times of strife…he just didn’t know how he felt about her source of comfort being him.

Nevertheless, he knew what Alice needed now more than anything was that comfort and he was happy to play the part for her. It was the very least he could do for someone who’d cared about him all this time…it was something he wanted to do. “Talk to me, baby,” he told her, his fingertips brushing through her hair to soothe her. “Tell me what happened.”

Alice let out a long breath. She’d told this story so many times in the past six months that she was almost becoming numb to it…almost. Telling JC was a different kind of pressure than she was used to but there he was, sticking by her. She owed him the whole ugly truth.

“When we started dating, it was just little things. He moved like three times before coming to stay with me. Always roommate problems, never his fault. He’d quit the dispatch after only a few months, saying working together was a conflict of interest and I stupidly believed him. He job hopped so much until finally landing a warehouse supervisor job.”

Alice took another long breath. This was it. “The abuse got worse around that time. Patrick was about three. He…” Alice stopped herself, swallowing, reminding herself she needed to tell the full story. “It didn’t start off bad. A smart ass comment here and there. I tried not to think too much about it. He liked to wrestle and I thought it was fun. We’d scrap in the living room and just laugh and get winded then relax on the couch with a beer. I was so naïve I didn’t realize it was a weird thing, I just thought it was our thing.”

“He asked me to marry him shortly after he moved into my house,” Alice continued. “Well, technically, he never really asked. He just said “I like this. We should get hitched” and I ran with it. Never even got an engagement ring.”

JC could feel himself getting hotter and it wasn’t just from being in the sauna. “I used to just say it was because I went right into wedding planning to excuse it but it always bothered me. Always,” Alice told him. “I made sure I got a wedding ring though. I was going to have that at least.”

Alice refocused herself. “Things were ok being married. Not great but not bad. When I got pregnant, he was pissed. Didn’t want the responsibility of a kid, it turned out. Didn’t like that I’d be out of work and he’d have to pick up extra shifts at the cigar store he was working at at the time.”

“The first physical incident was when I was seven months pregnant. We’d been fighting about something, probably money. I went to walk away and he grabbed my arm and threw me into the wall. I was so shocked, I didn’t know what to do. He just screamed in my face for what felt like hours and I…I just took it. I told myself he was just stressed about the baby coming and excused it. It set the tone for everything that followed.”

“Once Patrick was born, at first Donny just avoided coming home at all costs. I wanted him to be there, for us to be a family. I can look back and realize I was trying to force my ideals of the perfect marriage onto a man who didn’t want it but at the time I thought that meant trying harder and harder to be a better wife. I realize now just how soul crushing it was.”

“Like I said, Donny got that warehouse job and it seemed like things were finally going to improve but that wasn’t the case. Everyone at work was “stupid” and “useless” but he could only take out so much of his frustration on the job if he didn’t want to get fired. So, he came home and took it out on me.”

JC pulled her tighter into him, forcing himself to stay silent and listen. “I really did want him to come home to a nice house and relax, dinner ready, all that June Cleaver shit. But I was still working and basically taking care of a toddler on my own. There was always something I missed, something I didn’t do or didn’t do well enough. It seemed like no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get it right.”

“I was good at hiding what was going on at home, at least I thought. My one escape was work and I poured every ounce of energy I had into it when I was there. It’s not a job you can be distracted by and I refused to be. That was until I started being the reason for some of the calls coming in.”

“It got to the point you had to call 911?” JC asked but then realized what a dumb question that was considered all he knew.

“I didn’t. The neighbors did. They could hear the yelling before that and checked in from time to time, me always saying that everything was fine. One night, when Patrick was four, Donny got mad about something and locked me out of the house. He was alone with Patrick and I was terrified.”

JC shook his head, now fighting his own tears. Part of him was so angry at Alice yet another part of him was proud of all she’d endured. It was easy to look from the outside and judge her actions but he knew being in a situation was a far different reality.

“I absolutely lost it and the neighbors called the cops and they made him let me back in. Patrick was fine and Donny told the cops I was just being a hysterical mother but the incidents were on record now. That…that ended up helping in the long run.”

“Guessing the neighbors called them a few more times over the years?”

“An understatement,” Alice told him. “All my co-workers now knew what was going on cuz they were the ones answering the calls. It was humiliating, I didn’t want anyone to know. I eventually broke down and told my boss I needed to leave and she was very understanding about it. Even offered to get me counseling and a plan to leave him. I was so ashamed that I didn’t accept it.”

“I loved that job. I was good at that job but I couldn’t take the stares when I’d limp into work or wear a turtleneck or whatever I had to do to hide what was going on at home. I couldn’t take the judgement.”

Alice took a shallow sigh and sat up; the heat was getting to her but she pressed on. “Donny lost it on me when I quit. That was the first time I had to send Patrick to stay with my brother. I somehow thought if I could just keep Patrick safe, if I could just take all of it on then maybe one day he finally wouldn’t have any anger left in him and we could actually be a family. I needed to be the strong one.”

A bitter laugh emerged from Alice after her last sentence. “God, that sounds so utterly stupid to hear it out loud. I was so dumb. I wanted to believe the good guy I had started dating was still in there but he never was a good guy. He just knew how to turn on the charm when he needed to.”

“You aren’t dumb,” JC told her. “Did you have anybody to talk to about any of this?”

“My brother eventually got it out of me once I kept asking Patrick to stay with him enough times. I kept it from my girlfriends and as it got harder to hide, I ended up just kind of fading from their lives. It was easier to pretend it wasn’t happening and isolate myself from everyone.”

Alice sighed. She could have gotten into the details with JC of all the broken bones and ER visits but didn’t see the point. Her thigh would always be a reminder of the physical abuse she’d survived but the emotional abuse was the part she still struggled to recover from. 

“Once Patrick was in school full time, I got a part time job at the insurance agency I work for now. Things finally were good. I had some time for myself but was still there to get Patrick off to school and when he got home. I could have dinner ready for Donny when he got home and leave him to unwind while I helped Patrick with his homework. I thought I had done it; I had been a supportive wife and helped my husband through whatever issues he’d been dealing with. After all the sacrifice, I’d get my happy ending.”

“How long did that last?” JC asked.

“Couple months. Patrick was getting older, he was starting to really see what was going on. He’s a smart kid, he’d ask to go to friends’ houses for dinner a lot to be out of the house. He deserved to see what a functioning family looked like.”

“That worked until he was nine and then Donny’s drinking got really out of control.” Alice paused, thinking. “I still don’t really know what happened. I mean, in my mind, it was fine and suddenly one day it wasn’t. We always had beer in the fridge and I’d have some as well. I never considered him to have a drinking problem until it was very obvious he did.”

Alice sighed and put her head in her hands, trying hard to get through the rest of the story. “One night, God knows what possessed him, he was insistent on going with me to pick Patrick up. I took that as a positive sign of him wanting to connect with his son that I said yes. The Kirklin’s have a very nice house and, well, I got tired of fixing all the things Donny had broken so ours was in less than great shape. God, if that isn’t a metaphor,” Alice laughed cruelly.

“Donny got jealous, barreled out of the car before I could stop him and started berating the dad. Accused him of trying to show Patrick the finer things in life and poison him against us. I just kept apologizing and trying to get Donny back in the car and he…he didn’t appreciate it.”

“What did he do?” JC whispered, almost not wanting to know the answer.

“I’m told he punched me,” Alice tried to keep the emotion out of her voice. “I don’t remember but the broken nose and eye socket pretty much confirmed it. The parents, they aren’t bad people, I get why but they wouldn’t let Patrick over anymore. They told the other parents what happened and now I didn’t have anywhere to send Patrick to be safe. He lost all his friends because of me.”

“Not because of you,” JC told her. “Because of Donny. Do not blame yourself for that.”

“JC, I have to take some responsibility here,” Alice insisted. “That doesn’t mean I’m excusing Donny in any way but I’m trying everyday to know what role my actions played in it all, or sometimes my inactions. I keep getting told it’s part of the “healing process” but God does it suck to see it with clearer eyes now and realize all the things I should have done different.”

“You see it though, that’s important,” JC reminded her. “If all this had happened and you still were blind to the circumstances, you definitely would not be processing everything in a healthy way.”

“That’s fair,” Alice reasoned, not wanting to admit to JC the mountain of grief she had piled upon herself in the immediate aftermath. “Really just everything got worse and worse after that. Patrick secluded himself in his room a lot. Donny was drinking more so he was spending more and we were going really far into debt, the stress of which made him drink more. I got a second job since Patrick was now older but Donny was pissed the chores weren’t getting done so I quit after a few weeks.”

“Which, I guess leads us to the final blow…so to speak,” Alice breathed but it was labored. The heat mixed with the emotion of it all was threatening to become too much but she was determined to get through it. “A regular Thursday night. I’d made chuck steak with garlic butter and rice. Donny was pissed from something at work and was on beer four, I think.”

“Chuck steak is cheap but it can have a lot of bones. I check the cut just to be sure but of course I missed one in Donny’s. He threw the plate across the room and started screaming at me for the mistake. Patrick normally would just run off to his room but that night, I don’t know if it was just him getting older or finally having had enough or what, but he just screams “Why do you always have to be such a dick to her?!”.”

“It was like the world stopped for a moment and I can still see the two of them staring the other down. If there is one thing I can give Donny, just one, it was that he never touched Patrick. It had somehow just become the unspoken rule but I knew that was about to be broken.”

Alice stared straight ahead, like she was watching the replay as she spoke. “I told Patrick to run before Donny could even react and Patrick bolted but in his urgency he fell crossing the threshold to the living room. Donny was up by then and I literally jumped on his back so Patrick could get up and that’s when I even realized Donny had the knife in his hand cuz he turned his arm and plunged it into my thigh.”

“I fell back and he hit me a couple times then started to go find Patrick but I…I wouldn’t let him. I grabbed his leg and pulled him down. I used all those wrestling moves he taught me early on against him and was able to disarm him, to pin him.”

“Patrick had called 911 but I didn’t know that. Maybe if I had…” Alice paused going over every gruesome detail again in her mind but not uttering a single word. “The cops came what felt like seconds later but it had been almost five minutes from start to finish. They pulled me off of him and I just…I saw him, saw him lying there, breathing so shallow and just staring at me, his chest covered in blood. I just stood there, people were talking but I couldn’t comprehend any of it.”

“You were in shock, Alice. That’s…understandable,” JC reassured her.

“I’m told Donny died on the ride to the hospital. They didn’t tell me until I was all patched up. At some point my brother showed up and took care of Patrick while I dealt with all the legalities. Now all those years of embarrassment paid off as there was so much documentation of the abuse that Donny had been inflicting. It was immediately ruled self-defense so I didn’t have to go to court or be charged or anything.”

“I’m sure that was a relief,” was all JC could say.

“Yes but that didn’t keep it out of the court of public opinion. Now all the rumors were confirmed to people who knew me and for people that didn’t…I can’t go to the grocery store or CVS without someone recognizing me and either calling me a hero or a murderer. Kids now actively pick on Patrick at school and he’s closed up so much and I don’t…”

That’s when the tears finally hit Alice hard as her body crumbled in on itself. Every consequence that fell upon her she could deal with but Patrick was the one true innocent in this whole ordeal and Alice hated herself that he had so many repercussions from the fall out. That was the part she still couldn’t forgive herself for.

JC tried to hold Alice’s shaking body as it was racked with uncontrollable sobs. He knew nothing he said would help at the moment as he could only watch as the grief consumed her for the time being. There was a strange beauty to it, however, as JC witnessed her hold nothing back and just let out what she always kept inside.

Alice shifted and her towel fell away from her body. JC couldn’t really see anything but certainly didn’t want to leave her that exposed. “Stay there, don’t move. I’m coming right back,” he told her as he wrapped his own towel back around his waist.

The air outside the sauna smacked him in the face as he opened the door. He quickly ran towards the changing area and found more towels and a robe that he grabbed. He caught sight of some bottled water on the counter and quickly downed one before taking two more and heading back.

Experiencing the sudden change in temperature again made JC’s stomach turn and he knew he had to get Alice out of the constant heat. He threw the robe over her and pulled her body up to lay against his as he uncapped a bottle. “Come on, honey, drink some, slowly. Let’s get you outside.”

Alice was distraught but coherent enough to do as JC asked. The cool water was the shock to the system that Alice needed to pull her back to her senses. “Oh God, I’m sorry, I…” she tugged the robe tighter over herself . She was crying and naked in front of her long-time crush…just when she thought things with him couldn’t get any more awkward…

“You’re fine,” JC told her. Alice shook her head and looked away but JC put his fingertips on her chin to tilt her gaze back. “You are a strong and brave woman, for so many reasons, but being vulnerable and telling me your story…you didn’t have to but I appreciate it. I wish there was something I could do to ease a little of that pain, just for a moment.”

The two stared at each other for a long moment. “You have, JC. More than you’ll ever know,” Alice said just above a whisper. JC watched as her eyes filled with gratitude. He found the emotion misplaced but knew she believed in it fully. All he’d done was listen; he wished terribly he could do more.

“Come on, let’s get you out of here,” JC told Alice as he helped her to her feet. They exited the sauna and slowly got changed, both needing to sit and drink more water from all the steam they’d been surrounded by. That coupled with the outpouring of emotion and Alice was drained. 

The two walked slowly back to their rooms silently, JC wrapping an arm around Alice again as they went, keeping her close. JC followed Alice into her room and went straight for the phone, calling the front desk and asking for her dinner to be sent to her, a pot of tea and an extra dessert.

“You didn’t have to do that,” she said quietly but clearly thankful she didn’t have to deal with any of the other guests at the moment.

“Don’t be silly, you need to rest and unwind. I’ll check on you after dinner, ok?” JC told her.

“Ok,” Alice replied meekly and wrapped her arms around JC tightly. She was too tired to even cry but she wanted to feel the reality of him. He still didn’t seem real yet she could feel his heartbeat against her own chest, his hand running over her back, his breath hot and even in her ear.

JC pulled back and gave her a smile. He himself was having a lot of feelings when it came to Alice at the moment and all she revealed she had been through. “I’ll be back in a bit,” he told her again as he gave her a kiss on the cheek and left. 

While it was nice to chat with other guests, JC found himself missing Alice. Maybe it was worry but he kept looking at the clock and willing time to move faster so he could get back to her. He didn’t like the idea of her potentially feeling like she was alone and wanted to be there if she needed anything.

As soon as he could, JC rushed back to find Alice’s door slightly open with the door jam used to prop it open. He knocked and when he didn’t get an answer, wandered in cautiously. When the room opened, he found Alice sound asleep on the bed, a small snore emitting from her.

JC couldn’t help but smile as he grabbed the throw blanket on the chair and covered her. He carefully rotated her body to give her more air flow and watched as her face slackened into a peaceful slumber. He watched her for a few moments, praying she would have good dreams for the night before leaving and locking her door behind him.

Back in his room, JC went straight for his guitar. He began to pluck out the song he’d started earlier in the day and found too many ideas flooding him at once. He put down the guitar and grabbed a notebook that he’d brought to write down his thoughts he had yet to use. By the time he finally called it a night just before 2am, the pages were beginning to be filled with random thoughts and lines, cord selections and various time signatures he wanted to incorporate. It was more than a song at this point, it was the inspiration he’d been searching for.

Day 4

Despite only a few short hours of sleep, JC was up and waiting for Alice to arrive in the lounge for their morning hike. He had a cup of hot coffee ready for her, prepared the way he’d noticed over the past few days. He doubted Donny had ever once made her coffee.

Alice wandered in a few minutes later, still wiping the sleep out of her eyes. She’d slept nearly ten hours and probably could have done more but she didn’t want to miss her now morning ritual with JC. She was a little sad she conked out before she could see him last night but she doubted she would have been much company given their previous conversation. The rest was definitely what she needed.

“Hey!” JC nearly sprang out of his chair at the sight of her. “How you doing? Did you sleep ok? Oh, I made you coffee,” he handed her the mug he’d prepared.

“Yeah, I’ll be taking that since it seems like you’ve had more than a few cups this morning,” she chuckled and took a sip. “Mmmm, it’s perfect, thank you.”

JC beamed. “So, you slept ok?”

“I did. Passed out hard, actually. Sorry that I missed you.”

“It’s ok. You needed the rest.”

“How’d you sleep?”

“Uh, didn’t really,” JC scratched the back of his neck. “I was up writing. Well, not writing really but jotting down lots of notes and stuff. Just, had a lot I wanted to get out.”

“Like a song?”

“Maybe. I was working on something yesterday morning but then, you know, after we talked, I just needed to unscramble some of my thoughts.”

“Ah,” Alice took another sip. She recognized now what was happening. Once all hell had broken loose back home, people began doting on her. Taking Patrick to school, making sure they had food, all those things you do for a family when someone dies to help out. In her case, however, it was more guilt than charity that was the driving force. “If only I’d known” seemed to be everyone’s refrain, even casual acquaintances. Alice wasn’t resentful, however; maybe if she had let people in, things would have been different.

There was guilt in JC’s eyes and Alice didn’t like it. She didn’t know how to explain to him he’d always been there for her without it coming off creepy. She wondered if that was part of it too; him knowing how she felt about him. At least he was writing, that was a positive sign dealing with his own issues in a roundabout way.

“Morning, Alice. Morning, Josh,” Ivan greeted them with their envelope and a smile.

“I notice you didn’t say “Good Morning”. Exactly what is in that envelope?” Alice crooked an eyebrow.

“No mud on the menu this morning, I promise,” Ivan chuckled and handed it over.

JC took the paper and opened it. “Animal Essence Discovery Walk,” JC announced. “Many animals roam this earth with a uniqueness all their own yet familiarity in their attitudes and desires. Enjoy the mountain air as the trail turns into open fields and you can witness the beauty of the various ecosystems intertwining and your place within them.”

“This is where the bear shows up,” Alice deadpanned.

“So is it a nature walk?”

“Can’t be that simple but looking forward to the view,” Alice downed the rest of her coffee and the duo made their way to the start of the course.

“Now that you have gotten to know each other, describe what type of animal your partner represents to you,” the first sign stated.

“Should have figured,” JC rolled his eyes. “Don’t say lion, people always call me a lion cuz I’m a Leo.”

“It fits though,” Alice started to walk. “You have the ferocity of a lion in you.”

“Maybe at one time but not now,” JC was steadfast in his answer, not regretful but just stating fact in his mind.

Alice truly tried to think about the JC she’d known for these past few days but she knew she was biased. “I think maybe a meerkat,” Alice finally spoke.

“A meerkat?” JC asked in surprise.

“Yeah, they’re curious, always watching things from a distance, not going into a situation until they’ve assessed it. They like to work in groups and are loyal and just want a peaceful coexistence with everyone else. They only get aggressive when they or those close to them are threatened.”

JC thought about it and couldn’t fault the basic logic. “So should I change my name to Timon for the rest of our time here?” he joked.

“No, because I am not going to be your Pumbaa,” Alice shot back with a smile.

“Yeah, Joey is definitely the Pumbaa to my Timon, in that case.”

“Now, see I would have said Lance is Timon in an *NSYNC/Lion King hybrid world.”

“What does that make me?” JC began to laugh.

“Definitely Zazu,” Alice joined in, enjoying the silly comparisons. “Justin is Simba, obviously.”

“Obviously.”

“Guess that makes Chris Rafiki, which I think actually works.”

“No one is Scar? Or Mufasa?”

“There’s no villain in the group, no matter how much the media wants there to be,” Alice told him. “Dare I ask what you’ve come up with for me?”

“For some reason a fox keeps popping in my brain.”

“A fox? They’re like slick and shit. I don’t see that in me,” Alice made a face.

“They know how to take care of themselves,” JC countered. “They know how to adapt to survive. They are timid and cautious but strike when the timing is right. They are also witty and intelligent.”

“Witty? When is the last time a fox made you laugh?”

“Just now,” JC chuckled and smiled at Alice as she gave him a funny look. She was beginning to see the compliment but still didn’t feel like it fit her.

“So now that we’ve figured out our Patronus, what’s next?”

JC let out a loud laugh. “See, witty. Is a meerkat even an option as a Patronus?”

“It’s an animal so I’d think yes? I don’t know how it all works.”

Another sign appeared and prompted them. “Think about the environment of this animal. What is the climate? Who is around them and how do they treat them? Are they domesticated or wild? Do they act on instinct or think through their actions? How do these things compare to you?”

“Uh, ok,” Alice tried to think. “Well, there are lots of types of foxes so climate is kind of hard. Like you said, they're solidarity creatures so they're gonna be wary and cautious of anyone in their space.”

“Like a meerkat too,” JC thought out loud.

“Wait, this doesn’t make any sense then,” Alice paused. “We didn’t do that when we met each other.”

“Alice, you literally ran from the sight of me,” JC gently reminded her. Alice frowned, still trying to actively forget that part. “I was honestly kind of scared to talk to you.”

“To me? Oh, yeah, makes sense I kind of freaked you out,” Alice started walking again.

“Actually, I meant before that. I used to be good about talking through my thoughts and feelings but it’s gotten a lot harder over the years. The idea of letting a stranger in when I can’t even talk to the people I love…yeah, it was scary.”

“And now?”

“Now it’s…I don’t know. It’s much easier in general than I thought it would be. I feel like I’m confiding in a good friend when I talk to you, which, I guess I am, actually.” Alice tried to hide her blush at JC’s statement. “At the same time, I now care about you. I don’t want to say something that will upset you.”

“JC, I’m pretty sure nearly everyone in your life is an adult. Part of being an adult is having hard conversations. I know I’m not the best example of that but if something was truly important to me, I’d confront Donny about it. I would pick and choose my battles, no doubt, and I knew what the outcome potentially might be for me to even bring up an issue…”

“I guess that’s oddly what I’m getting at. Is the risk worth the reward?”

“What? You afraid Lance is gonna pop you one or something?”

“No, what?” Alice’s response flustered JC. “I wish you wouldn’t make jokes about that. Nothing about what happened to you is funny.”

“No, it’s not,” Alice grew more serious, “but if I can’t joke about it, I’ll never be able to stop crying.” Alice stopped walking again and grabbed both of JC’s hands, turning him to face her. “What do you want to say?”

“Alice, it’s not my place to…”

“You stayed up nearly all night. Obviously something got to you so just let it out.”

“I just…I need to figure out exactly what I want to say,” he broke her hold on him and moved away.

“Stop being so scared of upsetting people and speak up for yourself,” she demanded, knowing full well the irony in she being the one to say that.

“Like you did?” JC quickly countered. “What did you just say? When you spoke up, you got ridiculed, like your opinion didn’t matter.”

“You think that’s what’ll happen?”

“I don’t know. Yes, maybe…” JC stumbled, realizing saying his fears out loud didn’t ring as true as they did in his heart. “How the hell did you do it all those years?”

“Survival instinct,” she simply stated. “Look what happened though? I hid, I didn’t reach out for help. There was far more I didn’t say than what I did. Yes, I survived, but at what cost? Surviving isn’t living.”

JC felt that last line deep in his soul. It spoke to the ache inside him that he knew that’s what he had been doing the past few years. He looked at Alice, trying to live again instead of just survive. Her struggles were so much worse than his but she was doing it day by day. Why did it feel so hard for him anymore?

“What sound does a meerkat make?” Alice asked him.

“Hell if I know. All I can picture is Timon in the grass skirt doing the hula,” JC replied.

Alice laughed and eyed JC. “Well, that’s a mental image I’m keeping. Did you happen to bring your phone? We can google it.”

“No, it’s in my room.”

“Well, make something up.”

“Why?”

“Because you need to let go and just scream. I was trying to keep it in the scope of this weird animal thing but fuck it, just scream.”

“Alice, I can’t just…”

JC was cut off as Alice let out a gutteral, painful scream into the wild. He jumped back as a hidden flock of birds took flight. He stared at Alice, unsure what to do, as she silenced herself and fixed her hair. “Ok, now you,” she instructed him.

“Are you crazy?”

“Pretty sure at this point, yes,” she smiled at him and JC couldn’t help but smile back. Alice grabbed JC’s hand once more. “JC, I got you. Just let go.”

JC eyed Alice skeptically again then turned and let out a yell. It was weak, emanating from his mouth only. He tried again, feeling the reverberation in his vocal chords but knew it still wasn’t right. He felt Alice squeeze his hand and he inhaled deeply, planting his feet steadily into the ground as he let the turmoil and pain that lived in his gut out in a roar that shook the leaves on the closest tree.

“There’s that lion I knew was in there,” Alice cooed as she came up behind JC and hugged his back. JC stood panting, feeling good but unsure all at the same time. He knew the cure couldn’t be that simple but damn if he didn’t feel a little better in the moment.

“Guessing you had a lot of practice with that?” JC asked timidly.

“My car has definitely seen me unravel many times over the years,” Alice let go and started walking again, pulling JC out of his daze to follow her.

“Is that really what got you through?” 

“It helped,” Alice answered. “I don’t have like a concrete list of things, I just did what I had to do. I mean, it’s a super weird comparison but the same could be said during your touring days. You had a really hectic life and you did what you had to do to get through each day before you could rest.”

“A real stretch there but I see where you’re going with it,” JC told her. “I wish I could have helped you more…”

“I knew it!” Alice pointed a finger at him. “Why do you feel guilty for a life you knew nothing about?”

JC stared at her, stunned. That was exactly how he’d been feeling and it was bothering the hell out of him. He logically knew there was literally nothing he could have done and yet… “Maybe if I had just paid attention, all those years ago…” he trailed off.

Alice bit the tip of her tongue between her teeth. She’d imagined it a million times, all the “what if’s” of her life that might have never let her fall prey to Donny but she knew in truth she would have ended up there in every scenario. Here was yet another reality she was going to have to face.

“I’d be Becca,” she calmly told JC. “We’d go out on a date, maybe two but your destiny was set. You were still gonna get ridiculously famous and travel the world. No girl could have survived that.”

JC thought back on Nikki and how his cheating in Europe had ended their relationship. Alice was sadly right. “Why do I feel like I could have done more?”

“Cuz you’re a good man who cares about his friends. You can’t keep putting your issues aside to help others though; by confronting your own, that is actually the best way to help.”

“Not really sure how that’s helping you,” JC mumbled.

“If you weren’t trying to work on yourself, you wouldn’t be here with me, now would you?” Alice smiled at him. “JC,” she breathed, “I know I keep saying it because it’s still hard for me to believe but this, with you, it’s more than I could have ever dreamed. Maybe I died that night and this is heaven.”

“Alice, that isn’t funny.”

“I know, I just, I’m trying to explain to you how much this truly means to me. Just having you listen yesterday…”

“Come here,” JC pulled her tight into an embrace. He didn’t know what to say but he was starting to realize just being there was enough. It was still weird to him that Alice had been harboring all these feelings for him for decades at this point. Being able to give her back just a tiny fraction of that love and appreciation gave him a satisfaction in his soul he didn’t know he was missing.

The duo stayed locked together for sometime, Alice once again taking in the feel of JC’s body against her own. This really was the closest to her own personal heaven she’d ever experienced but it was hard not to feel unworthy still. “I think we failed this challenge,” Alice mumbled into JC’s chest.

“This hike could have been a Buzzfeed quiz,” JC quipped, causing Alice to collapse further into him in laughter. 

“See, that was funny. Let more of that out,” Alice told him as she disengaged from his arms. “Come on, let’s attempt to make some sense of this weird ass exercise,” she started walking once again.

The trail finally leveled as promised to an expansive field, huge boulders smoothed by hundreds of years of weather surrounded the trail that wound along as far as the eye could see. “Consider this area your playground, your safe space,” the sign instructed them. “Now that you have discovered the animal essence inside you, let it out to explore the rest of the trail.”

“Do these people really think grown adults are going to scamper about like animals or something?” Alice re-read the sign for a third time. “I’m pretty sure scampering was something last accomplished in college.”

“It’s really gotta suck if you picked a non-land mammal. Like, if you’re a dolphin, do you just flop around on the ground? That’s depressing,” JC thought.

“Or what about a bird? Just flapping your arms as you walk around,” Alice grimaced.

The two turned towards each other. It was impossible to tell who was egging the other on first but the same thought ran instantly through their minds as smiles crept steadily across their faces. Both parties were nearly bursting at the seams as they simultaneously darted off in different directions, JC instantly hiding behind a rock and Alice rolling into some tall grass.

“This is so stupid,” Alice shouted, unable to contain her giggles any longer.

“Fox rule number one: don’t give away your position,” JC yelled back as he quickly moved to another rock, poking his head out and elongating his neck to scan the area. Alice watched him from the brush and literally covered her mouth to suppress her laughter.

She could hear JC moving about but couldn’t see him. He popped his head back out a few rocks away and Alice took the opportunity to scurry to a different spot once he disappeared again. This felt like some weird game of hide and go seek mixed with tag and she couldn’t believe she could be this carefree and silly anymore.

Alice crouched for a moment and thought. The little she knew about both species was that they were excellent at hiding. This could go on for hours if they were good enough and Alice couldn’t think of a better way to spend her day.

While Alice was pondering, however, JC quietly closed the gap between them. He came up behind and was just about to pounce when his foot stepped on a twig. He froze but it was too late as Alice sprinted from her spot and JC quickly took after her.

Alice screamed and laughed as she tried to outpace JC. She made a sharp turn and dove behind a rock but JC was too quick and he was on top of her before she could get back to her feet. “I guess the meerkat outfoxed the fox,” he straddled her waist triumphantly.

“Something tells me that move was more lion than meerkat,” Alice laughed as she tried to get her breathing back.

“Oh, you want the lion, huh?” JC teased. He grinned as he leaned down and gave a low growl in Alice’s ear. She giggled and tried to turn away so JC bit down firmly but not too hard on Alice’s now exposed neck.

Alice’s breath caught in her throat as her eyes went wide. It felt like time stopped as she took in every sensation: the feel of JC’s mustache brushing against her ear while his cheek bristled with stubble against her own. His hot breath, the way his body felt against her, keeping her pinned. She wasn’t scared at having a man making her feel trapped like she had been before, at least not this man.

JC could feel Alice’s moan reverberate in her throat more than hear it. The realization he’d crossed the line from playing around to something more hit him hard as he abruptly rolled off Alice. “Shit, I’m so sorry,” JC blushed. “I just, um, I got carried away, I guess.”

“It’s ok,” Alice cleared her throat, trying to shake off the feelings JC had arisen in her, at least for the moment. She stood up, her back to JC as she brushed herself off and attempted to compose herself. “I guess I was wrong, I think we aced this one.”

JC went to stand and winced. The looseness of his sweatpants helped mask the fact that he was starting to grow hard and he was grateful for the camouflage as he quickly adjusted himself before Alice could turn around. He truly hadn’t meant anything by his action but understood how Alice could have interrupted it that way. What he didn’t get was why he was now a bit turned on too.

“We should, uh, get back,” JC said awkwardly, feeling like he should say something but wanting to forget the incident all at the same time.

“Probably a good idea,” Alice turned back around with a small smile. JC smiled back and felt a bit more at ease seeing Alice already moving past the situation. He certainly didn’t want it to turn into “a thing”.

Alice had become a pro at hiding her feelings over the years and this was no exception. She knew JC was playing around but still, it felt…she literally couldn’t remember the last time she’d been physically aroused by a man instead of her own thoughts doing the work. She realized that might be something to be careful of when she did start dating again.

The two walked side by side quietly for a few moments before Alice reached over for JC’s hand. Part of it was selfishly wanting to touch him at every opportunity she could but mostly it was because she could see the wheels turning in his head plainly on his face. She wanted to make him feel at ease again.

JC looked down as he felt Alice’s fingers reach around his own. He smiled and breathed a sigh of relief as he pulled her in closer to his side. Despite knowing Alice’s feelings for him, she was still his friend and the last thing he wanted to do was lead her on in any way. Besides, he had a girlfriend back home, on the opposite side of the country, away from Alice. Something didn’t sit right with him realizing this would all be over in a few short days and Alice wouldn’t be there to hold his hand any longer.

 

Alice was happy to return to the morning Tai Chi and stretches to ease her into her day instead of feeling like she’s just run a marathon. Today was all about constant motion, something she was very familiar with. Instead of busying herself to avoid her problems, however, she’d be taking the time to let her thoughts move freely and concentrate on her well being. Strength and balance training, yoga, mat Pilates and something called Feldenkrais, which centered on awareness through movement, were all on the agenda for the day, along with her usual sessions with Lesli and Michael. This was the type of day she’d imagined when this retreat had first been offered.

JC was prepped for a restorative day as well, if he could get his mind focused. Thoughts kept consuming him about Alice, about Jen, about trying to be more open again. He wanted to blow off his morning yoga to go write but stuck it out, trying to keep the attention on his own well being instead of everyone else’s. So far, it wasn’t working.

He was almost grateful to have his therapy session next, knowing well enough he needed to get out of his own head. He’d seen a therapist on and off over the years and did see the benefits but having someone to be an unbiased soundboard every day was new and definitely needed.

“Hey Josh,” Kevin spoke as JC entered his office. “How goes it today?”

JC immediately went to lay on the couch, trying to even think where to start. “Do I really have this many problems?” he said primarily to himself.

“Do you think you do?” Kevin crossed his legs and got his notepad out.

“I don’t know anymore,” JC confessed. “I came here to figure out why I’ve been in such a funk and I feel like instead of it being one or two things, it’s a million little things. How do I even go about fixing that?”

“I can assure you it isn’t a million but let’s start with making a list of things you’ve identified so far,” Kevin offered.

Over the next hour, JC rattled off a litany of things that he and Alice had discussed: the highs and lows of his career, his relationships with his band mates as collaborators and as friends, his change in work ethic with not only his music but his physical appearance, his relationship with Jen and his growing yet complicated feelings about Alice, especially in light of her revelations the prior day.

Kevin also made sure JC counterbalanced his concerns with his blessings. That was somehow harder for JC to pinpoint as it was also a part of his struggle; he knew superficially he had a great life and felt even more foolish to not appreciate it. He told Kevin as much as they wrapped up their list.

“Ok, so let’s work on that today,” Kevin offered.

“I don’t follow.”

“Josh, you keep so much inside you that when it does come out, you go into a creative frenzy. Writing your thoughts down is great, expressing yourself through song is a perfect venue for you but you need to get past sharing through only those outlets. You didn’t get where you are today on your own so why do you think you have to bear all of your struggles in silence?”

JC didn’t have an answer to that. He wished he did but it was just something he felt was the best thing to do. Everyone had their issues and he’d been reminded of that enough times when he’d tried to speak up that he learned just to stay silent. Now that was catching up with him too.

“Let’s concentrate on things that are going to help your frame of mind, that’s what’s most important,” Kevin told him as he got up and grabbed a stack of papers from his desk, flipping through and grabbing the one he wanted. “Boxing, cycle…no no, we aren’t doing all this today,” he started crossing things out of JC’s schedule.

“Dear God, thank you,” JC breathed. He didn’t mind the exercise in general but his main objective of this trip had been to clear his head and it felt like it was getting more and more clogged with each passing hour. He needed a recharge.

After Kevin jotted down some notes, he turned back to JC. “I’m good at my job, Josh, but I’m not a mind reader. This retreat is for you so don’t be afraid to change your activities based on how you are feeling that day. Do what is best for you, not just what is expected of you.”

“I’ll try to remember that,” JC gave a small smile as he stood up.

“If it works for you, why don’t you head on over to the spa. They have an aromatherapy bar I think will help get you on the right track, at least for today. You need a day to fully concentrate on your own mindfulness.”

“Worth a shot to me,” JC agreed and headed out. He wouldn’t say he was exactly into New Age holistic healing but meditation had helped in the past. He hated that he’d lost the motivation to do it as of late but maybe this would jump start the urge again. That or he would need to steal some of that psychotropic tea mixture from the other day.

A beautiful young woman by the name of Eloise was waiting for him and guided him to the aromatherapy bar that Kevin had mentioned. “Today we’re going to find the best scents that suit you and create a blend that is unique to you and your needs,” Eloise simply explained.

Eloise guided JC through the process of discovering and blending the best essential oils based on his preferences and desires. They ultimately chose the odd mixture of lavender and ginger, two scents that tended not to blend well, as their base. JC liked how the aromas fought at one another, much like he felt like he did to himself so many times. Eloise helped add elements of peppermint, lemon and frankincense to balance out the scents. Together they were able to create something grounding and comforting yet energizing and uplifting, something completely JC.

JC was provided a small vial to keep with him as Eloise promised to whip up more of the concoction to use during his massages the next few days and to take back to LA. He left the studio with a bit more spring in his step. He liked cologne and always wore something that spoke to him but having something made specifically for him was a treat he’d never even thought about giving to himself.

He went down the hall to find a man named Julian to partake in a voice empowerment exercise Kevin had set up on his behalf. After a brief introduction, Julian set out the goals for the class. “Josh, I know you’re a musician so using your voice isn’t a problem when it comes to performing or songwriting. It’s when you aren’t in your element that we are going to work on today.”

Julian went on to explain that when your physical, mental and spiritual voices are on the same page, that is when the whole of your voice is empowered. He guided JC through a series of exercises, teaching him the importance of intention through his words, the tone and delivery and how he wanted his own voice to be heard to the people he was speaking to.

JC found the concepts familiar yet foreign all at once. Writing and recording a song, everything Julian said made sense. He was always mindful of the flow, the message, the tempo…he knew how important all the elements were to crafting a song. Speaking, however, he felt lost, like he could never get out the things he wanted to say in the right way.

“A conversation isn’t a song, Josh,” Julian bluntly explained. “You can spend hours, days or weeks even to perfect a song. It’s a monologue; no one is going to interrupt you while you're singing. With a conversation, you can still prepare but they never go the way we imagine in our heads. The key is not only to listen but not to be drowned out. Your voice is just as important as everyone else’s.”

“I like contributing my voice,” JC explained. “I like a group dynamic where I’m one of many. I do feel like my voice is heard when I’m helping write a song. When it’s just me, that’s when I get uneasy.”

“I try to keep my sessions based off only the information that is disclosed but I think I need to be forthcoming that I know who you are,” Julian admitted. “I only bring this up because you stated you like being part of a group and, well, you were very famously part of a group.”

“I was, past tense,” JC stated, actually a little relieved Julian knew something more about him so he could skip some explanations.

“You sound bitter about that last part.”

“Not bitter, just…we were a group before. Not just in name but in how we functioned. We didn’t do anything unless it was good for all of us. That started to change, towards the end, and that…that I get but now,” JC took a deep breath, “we’re five individual lives held together by a shared experience a quarter of a century ago. They are still my brothers and I love them but when it comes to the group, we just don’t see eye to eye anymore.”

“Again, pardon the outside knowledge, but I can only imagine you’re alluding to the potential of a reunion.”

“Yeah,” JC sighed and lowered his head.

“Does someone not want to do it?”

“Actually no, we all want to do it, it’s the how that’s the problem.”

“So, you do still see eye to eye.” JC jerked his head up at Julian’s last statement. “Everyone’s goal is still the same but you have five different people coming from five different mindsets into it. I agree that’s tricky to navigate. So tell me Josh, what is your perspective?”

“I, ummm,” JC searched for his words, “we all have different things going on and I respect that but I don’t want anyone to make the band an afterthought if we decide to do it. We’re all so much older now and it’s harder to do things. Not impossible but to build up the stamina and drive to mount and perform a whole show again is daunting. We all need to be one hundred percent committed to this: to each other and to our fans for this to work.”

“And you think they won’t be?”

“I know they won’t be,” JC stated. “They say they will but then there’s business meetings or movie shoots that need to be worked around. Family commitments I totally get but if I’m willing to put my current projects on hold for them, I expect the same in return.”

“And you’ve told them this?”

“Not in so many words…” JC’s voice trailed off.

“Why is that?”

“Cuz they already lead with that. Justin’s in discussions to join the Marvel Universe. You can’t exactly tell a quarter of a billion dollar budget movie it has to delay production because your former boy band wants to relive their glory days.”

“I admit that I don’t know how the entertainment business works but I do know he’s Justin Timberlake so I’m sure accommodations could be made,” Julian gave a gentle smile. “I also know that you are assuming things based off of what you’ve heard instead of speaking and letting the others respond.”

“What’s the point? They’ve already said everything I need to know.”

“You aren’t allowing yourself to be open to their voices. You hear one thing you don’t like and you shut down and assume it won’t work. There are five of you; as you said, you used to work as a group and do what is best for the group. I’m sure no one got their way all the time. Everyone needed to compromise and that is exactly what you will need to do here. However, it isn’t compromise if you just fold to the majority. You still need to make sure your voice is heard, recognized and understood.”

“I don’t even know where to start with that,” JC confessed. “Having serious conversations anymore feels very daunting. I don’t want to upset people by saying the wrong thing so I just…I don’t know when it got so hard.”

“You’ve been having a serious conversation with me for nearly an hour,” Julian pointed out. “You’ve talked to your partner freely this week. How has that felt?”

“Weird. Not bad weird but…I pushed past a lot of more normal roadblocks with Alice in an attempt to really give this retreat my all, and that’s mostly worked, but now I find myself considering Alice a friend. I care about her and just like any of my other friends, I don’t want to say something that could upset her.”

“You can’t walk around on eggshells with your friends, Josh. If you can’t be yourself around them, are they really your friends?”

“Yes, they are,” JC glared.

“Then let them be. Give them a chance instead of assuming.” Julian put his hands on his thighs and stood. “I want you to try something for me and, I want to preface that this is just an exercise; if it doesn’t work, it’s not a failure.” JC simply nodded and listened. “I told you a song isn’t a conversation but maybe it’s a place to start. Channel what you are feeling, what you are struggling to say into a format you are comfortable in.”

JC mulled the thought over. His brain had been all over the place last night, scribbling down thoughts as they came to him. Perhaps this would help him at least organize some of it. “I can give that a try.”

“Good,” Julian smiled. “Get your massage, get some lunch then just find a space you can let your creativity loose in. Take the afternoon and just see what happens.”

“Alright, I’ll do that,” JC smiled, extending his hand. He was liking the idea the more he thought about it. “Thanks for listening, man.”

“Your voice is powerful, Josh. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel differently, including yourself,” Julian shook JC’s hand.

JC did take Julian’s advice but found the execution harder than he anticipated. After his much needed massage, you opted to skip formal lunch and head up the mountain he and Alice had climbed a few days earlier. With only his phone and a notebook in hand, he found himself at the summit overlooking the valley and lake once again.

He perched himself on a rock and simply stared out, enjoying the view. It felt calming to be up there, nestled into nature and watching the goings on unobtrusively and unobserved. After some time, he peered into his notebook to try to make sense of the mess.

JC started a fresh page and picked out parts of his ramblings that made sense to his situation with the guys. He knew there was a song in there somewhere, he just had to find it. Yet, as he continued to sort, it was becoming clear to him that it wasn’t about the content at the moment but just that he wanted them all to listen and take what he had to say to heart. That’s what his song should reflect.

Suddenly his memory was filled with the beautiful vocals of his former cast mate. JC quickly pulled out his phone. He realized he hadn’t seen the video for Christina Aguilera’s “The Voice Within” probably since it had come out nearly twenty years ago but still pictured her as the thirteen year old girl who would beg for piggy back rides from him. “Stripped” had been the perfect title for that album as JC watched Christina command his attention simply with her voice and demeanor. The black and white video, bare set and bare feet…everything was made for the viewer to see her vulnerability yet still know who she was. JC watched the video a few times, wishing he could do something like that.

He was about to put his phone away when the suggested video at the end caught his eye. A smile crossed his face as he clicked and heard his band mate yell “Hit it!” as a rockabilly guitar solo started playing. The smile grew with each line as Chris’s voice rang out into the wilderness. JC didn’t remember this particular Chip Skylark song but it sure was catchy and hearing his brother sing a kid’s pop song encouraging him to “Find Your Voice” was oddly exactly what he needed. 

“Screw a reunion, when is Chip Skylark going on tour?” JC texted with a wink emoji and the link to the video. 

JC continued to click through the choices of songs YouTube suggested for him as the algorithm got more precise. Finally, he landed on the song that hit him straight in the heart. He’d heard Demi Lovato sing “Anyone” at the Grammys not that long back. He remembered how emotional the song was for them, having to collect themselves and start again and still performing with such beauty and grace. He switched over to the video of that specific performance, in awe that their vocals were still that flawless as tears streamed down their face.

That’s something JC wanted: that moment of connection, of common understanding. He wanted it in his music but right now he was seeking it primarily in his life. He just wished someone would “get it” without him having to explain but he knew that was an impossible task.

“Dude,” a text message popped in at the top of the video. “They’re making a Fairly Oddparents live action sequel thing. I put in some calls.”

“Seriously? That’s awesome,” JC replied to Chris. 

“How’s your retreat going? That boring you’re watching cartoon me sing?”

“You wish you were that cool,” JC sent before he could stop himself. He instantly regretted it, not wanting his friend to take offense. He started typing an apology furiously.

“It’s true. I only play cool on tv,” Chris joked back with a laughing emoji. JC let out a breath, thankful it was Chris on the receiving end who could certainly take a joke…or maybe he was just over reacting to begin with. “Seriously, how’s it going?” Chris asked again.

“Good. Weird. LOTS of stuff to think about.”

“Here if you need to chat.”

JC bit his lip. “Even about the stuff we disagree on?”

“Especially that stuff,” the reply came quickly. “Don’t guarantee we’ll end up agreeing but I can promise I’ll listen.”

JC smiled at his phone, wishing he could hug Chris in that moment. For all of Chris’s jokes and off color remarks, the guy really knew just what to say at the right time. “I love you,” JC simply wrote.

“I love you too. Go get your brain unscrambled and we’ll Frankenstein the pieces back together soon.”

JC laughed and sent Chris a gif of the aforementioned character with his arms outstretched, ambling through the woods. 

“If only it were that easy,” Chris wrote back with a heart emoji.

JC put his phone away and laid back as the sun started dipping perilously closer to the horizon. It was hard for him to get out of his own head but when he did, the conversation flowed easily. He knew he needed to let his guard down and wasn’t really sure how it had risen so high in the first place. One thing he did know is he had great friends but it was certainly nice to have the reminder now and again.

“There you are!” Alice shouted from her patio as JC approached their rooms. “I got a little worried when I didn’t see you at lunch. Everything ok?”

“Yeah, lots of stuff I’m just trying to sort out. You know how it is,” JC came over.

“That I do,” Alice gave a small smile. “Do you need to talk or…?”

“Probably but right now I’m starving. Pretty sure I smelled barbecue on my walk back.”

“Barbecue?!” Alice’s eyes lit up. “Like actual meat?”

“I don’t think I realized what a carnivore you are,” he chuckled.

“Don’t get me wrong, the food has been outstanding but some grass-fed, locally sourced, farm to my stomach good old fashioned cow would go a long way,” Alice smiled.

“So what you’re saying is a subscription to Omaha Steaks is a good birthday present?”

“Christmas is even closer,” Alice winked. “You need to shower or you good to go?”

“Fast rinse should do it. Don’t let me hold you up.”

“I can wait five minutes, JC. Six, well then, you’ll have to fend for yourself,” Alice laughed and JC gave her a quizzical look. “Ok, I thought it was funny,” she murmured once she saw his face.

“No, it was cute just…how do you do that?” he asked her.

“Do what?”

“Just, talk, that easily? I mean, the other day you could barely look at me and the whole bed thing…what changed? You don’t like me anymore?” he attempted to joke.

Alice could tell his question was sincere so decided to answer it directly. “JC, if I run from you this whole retreat, it will have been pointless for me to even come. I can’t spend every second worrying about what I say or how you’ll react to it because…well, that’s been every day of my life for so long with Donny. I’m here to help some of my problems, not continue to repeat them. And to answer your question, I do still like you very much,” Alice blushed.

JC couldn’t believe how much Alice had grown just in a few short days simply by getting the freedom to be herself. He didn’t know what was holding him back from being able to do the same. “I was thinking about this a lot today,” JC confessed. “The closer I get to people as of late, the harder it is for me to talk to them. You seem like it’s the opposite.”

“Well, if I’m being honest, part of it is feeling like I’ve already been talking to you for years. The only difference is that you answer me back now.”

“Huh?” JC‘s confusion grew.

“Never mind, too complicated to get into now,” she waved him off. “Go get your shower.” JC looked at Alice as a smile grew across his face. “What?”

“You’re cute.”

“You clearly have altitude sickness.”

“I’m serious,” JC grabbed her hand. “I’m…I’m really lucky to be in this with you. I just wanted to let you know that I…I care about you, a lot,” he swallowed, forcing himself to say at least something that was on his mind the way Kevin and Julian had suggested. Alice was proving to be an amazing test subject for combating a lot of his fears.

“I care about you too, JC. Not just the pop star I think I know but the you I’m getting to know. You’re…you are an incredibly caring man. Just, take some of that care for yourself every now and again,” she brushed a loose strand of hair out of his face.

“Alice…” JC breathed, not sure what else to say but feeling caught up in the moment. He pulled Alice a little closer and bent his head towards her own.

“Millie, what are you doing?” a booming voice rang out, causing JC and Alice to gasp and move apart in surprise.

“Goddammit, Jeff!” The bush about 50 feet away from them shook as Millie stumbled out, pulling a small twig out of her hair. “Sorry, dropped my glasses,” she laughed and waved at the couple as she started to hurriedly leave.

“I didn’t know you wore gl…,” Jeff didn’t get to finish as Millie punched him hard in the bicep then shoved him down the pathway toward the dining hall.

JC and Alice watched as the two left, both their faces flush with embarrassment. Nothing had happened but if they hadn’t been interrupted…

“You. Shower,” Alice told him, trying her best to be non-chalant.

“Uh, yeah,” JC scratched the back of his head. “Sure you don’t mind waiting?”

“Not at all but the smell of the food is wafting this way so you better hurry.”

“I’ll be quick, I promise,” he said as he cut through her room and into his own. “Fuck!” he exclaimed as he quickly disrobed and turned the shower on. His brain was in overdrive thinking about what he had almost done.

He missed Jen, he told himself, which of course was true. He missed her touch, her companionship, her smile, her body. Obviously he was getting his signals crossed with Alice being right there…right?

He groaned in frustration as his hand found his crotch with the washcloth. He was hard and aching. He didn’t masterbate much anymore as having Jen around all the time pretty much eliminated the need. His body wanted it though but he knew he didn’t have the time. Instead he turned the water colder to force him to finish up his shower quickly.

Alice sat on the edge of her bed, staring at the wall, replaying every single millisecond of her last interaction with JC. It felt like he was going to kiss her but it had been so long since she’d been kissed, she was trying to find the moment to confirm she was reading it wrong. She had to be confusing it with their walk that morning. His lips on her neck…Alice shuddered and let out a small moan at the memory. They’d been playing around and she ruined it by making it sexual. That had to be the same thing that was happening here.

JC knocked but a few minutes later and they made their way over to the barbecue. The spread of turkey burgers, chicken breast and shrimp was delicious but Alice was really beginning to wonder what the staff had against beef.

Alice got up to get another scoop of cucumber salad as Millie deftly slid in next to her. “I just knew you two were going to hit it off,” Millie squealed with delight. “I want to know every detail.”

“What detail? You saw everything from the bush,” Alice couldn’t help but laugh at Millie’s odd vested interest.

“That idiot loud mouth Jeff,” Millie fumed. “He works with Wall Street, you’d think he’d appreciate the art of spying.”

Alice turned to Millie, desperate for a second opinion. “Do you really think he was going to kiss me?”

“Baby, he is a smitten kitten,” Millie smiled brightly and looked back at JC, who quickly put his head back down into his helping of pesto potato salad to pretend he hadn’t been watching the whole interaction. “Have fun with him while you can.”

“Yeah, see, that’s the part that’s kind of the sticking point,” Alice admitted.

“You wanna take him home, don’t you?”

“In fantasy land, sure, but I know that’s not reality. Hell, this isn’t reality. Reality is the girlfriend waiting for him back home, on the other side of the country from me.”

“That sounds like his problem, not yours,” Millie stated bluntly. “You can’t worry about the decisions he makes.”

“Well, I also shouldn’t encourage them either,” Alice sighed, knowing that was the right course of action but wanting to be selfish just the same.

“Attention,” Vivienne stood at the front of the room, clapping her hands for everyone to grow silent. “Tonight marks the halfway point in your journey with us here at Silver Lake. You have all made tremendous progress in your short time and tonight we celebrate your growing transformations and usher in the next steps towards your goals. When you have finished your meal, please meet us outside.” With that, Vivienne turned and headed out the door with Ivan quick on her heels.

“I’m not doing any more drugs,” Alice said as she returned to the table with JC.

“You never know, you might end up with the *NSYNC vision this time,” JC gave a sly smile.

“Pretty sure I couldn’t have that vision in a public setting,” Alice laughed. “What do you think it is?”

“I don’t know. She said half way mark so maybe some group celebration?”

“Guess there’s only one way to find out,” Alice shrugged and finished up her food. The two went and joined the other participants outside as Vivienne had requested. She held a lit single candle in front of her as her robes flapped in the gentle breeze.

“You’ve happened to visit us on a very special night,” Vivienne began. “The full moon in all her glorious splendor is illuminating our path as we prepare to journey to our charging ceremony.”

Everyone looked up to find the moon large and bright as clouds quickly moved past it. Alice couldn’t deny there was an energy to the evening but wasn’t sure if she liked it. “Charging ceremony?” she whispered to JC. “What the hell does that mean?”

“No idea but it’s feeling very ritualistic,” JC observed as candles were slowly being passed out to each guest.

“Fuck, it is a cult, isn’t it?” Alice grimaced. 

“Feels more Wiccan in nature to me,” JC was thinking it through.

“Oh hell no. I saw The Craft, I know what fucking with spirits and shit can do.”

“Pretty sure that movie wasn’t entirely accurate,” JC chuckled. 

“Wait a minute: how do you know about Wicca? Weren’t you raised Mennonite?” Alice questioned.

“I’ve always found it interesting what people put their faith in so I know the basic principles but that’s about it. You should know by now I’m more than just what you read in an old magazine,” JC winked.

Alice blushed hard. “Sorry. Fan girl knowledge rears it’s ugly head once again.”

“Don’t worry about it, Alice. It’s weird but cool you remember that detail about me,” JC reassured her.

“I remember a lot of details about you,” Alice said quietly. JC looked at her with mild surprise. Ever since meeting Alice, he knew she had a crush on the public image of him but for some reason he was really seeing how the line between friend and fan was getting blurred and had yet to determine if he liked it.

 

 

JC and Alice were given their candles as the group began their walk down into the valley to finally rest at the edge of the lake. Vivienne stood at the water’s edge as the guests surrounded her in a semi-circle. “Each full moon, we re-consecrate the waters of this lake using its energy. As part of this ceremony, we invite you to select a piece of quartz that speaks to you that we will gift to this lake and the lake will return as a gift to you.”

Alice and JC exchanged looks before crossing over to the bit of land beside Vivienne that she indicated. There lay dozens of clear crystal quartz in all shapes and sizes. Alice scanned the selection, not really finding anything that jumped out for her own use, but nonetheless leaned in and picked up a nearly circular cloudy gem, about the size of a quarter.

“That one’s nice,” JC said offhandedly as he continued to look.

“This one’s yours,” Alice told him. JC turned and looked at her quizzically. “Don’t ask me why but…it just is,” Alice put the gem in his palm. “Fuck, this place is getting to me,” Alice chuckled.

JC closed his fingers over the gem and smiled. He found it sweet Alice had picked out something for him and wanted to return the gesture. He knelt down to run his fingers along a slender piece that looked like it had broken off another. It was frosted like ice and fragmented too many times to count in the middle but it was deceptively smooth to the touch and the moonlight danced off it brilliantly. It was perfect.

“Here,” JC stood and handed his find to Alice. “Trust me on this.”

Alice turned over the bit of glass in her hand and looked at JC. “I trust you,” she told him earnestly.

Once everyone had picked their piece, they returned to their spots around Vivienne. “These crystals have been out here being grounded in the earth all day. I ask you all to take your crystal in your dominant hand, palm open, and your candle in the other as we infuse the elements of fire and air into your crystal.

Alice took a long breath and followed suit. This whole thing felt weird but she wasn’t about to balk at it simply because she didn’t understand it. “Now,” Vivienne started again, “close your eyes and think back to your intention you started the week with. How have you progressed? What work still needs to be done? Is this still the intention you wish to achieve or have you discovered something new within yourself?”

JC had been broad by saying he wanted to find himself again. That wasn’t necessarily untrue but just in the past few days, he was finding the issue wasn’t so much trying to be the man he used to be but accepting the one he’d grown into. He felt like his life hadn’t changed while everyone else’s did and that simply wasn’t true, his was just a lot less flashy than it used to be, by his own design. He was comfortable but that comfort had turned to laziness, which he didn’t like. He wanted to find the purpose of this relaxed lifestyle and actually live it instead of feel suffocated by it.

Alice wasn’t sure if she’d really gotten anywhere with her intention. She felt less inhibited than when she arrived, that was for sure. She thought about the events of the past few days with JC; their hikes, their movie night, helping each other in the obstacle course, her breakdown in the sauna, their near kiss earlier that evening…she was finally getting to be the woman she’d hoped she’d be. When she wrote that intention, she’d meant by finding confidence in herself and not letting anyone else take that from her ever again. The universe, however, was giving her the baffling opportunity to literally be the woman she’d always wanted by pretending to be JC Chasez’s…something for the week. It still didn’t make sense in her brain.

“Focus on your intention,” Vivienne reminded them all. “Clear your mind of unrelated thoughts. Visualize the words of your original intention or new one in your mind. Repeat the words to yourself as you feel them travel from your mind, down through your throat, run through the ventricles of your heart then slide down your arm to your stone. Feel the words be absorbed into the stone and close your fingers around it securely once you feel this has been completed and open your eyes.”

JC stood serenely and concentrated on everything Vivienne had said. He gave himself a new intention and mantra: Find your purpose, find your voice. JC took the imagery Vivienne provided and let the words move through him, settling into his right palm. After a few minutes, his palm began to feel warm so he closed his fist with a smile, feeling whatever was supposed to happen having done so.

“This takes different time for everyone, don’t force it, let the process naturally progress,” Vivienne announced. She saw JC and two others with their closed fists and summoned them closer. JC carefully made his way though the others to stand at the water’s edge with Vivienne.

“The final part of this ceremony is to release that intention into the water’s of Silver Lake for blessing and guidance,” Vivienne told them. She took a few steps into the lake and knelt as JC and the others followed suit. “Put your closed hand into the water and once it is fully submerged, open your fingers to let your gem with your intention be welcomed by the renewing energy of the lake.”

JC did as instructed and as he opened his hand, was instantly transfixed by what he saw. The reflection of the moonlight through the water hitting the gem made it appear to glow. His brain tried to rationalize what he was seeing but was too caught up in the beauty and awe to care about the reasoning at this moment. 

Vivienne began to intone. “We choose to cleanse ourselves and release any and all energies that are no longer of service to our highest and greatest good. We ask that as we release these forces from our bodies, minds and souls, we are replenished with nurturing and guidance to care for us along the next steps of our journey.”

JC’s eyes widened as the stone he was holding began to turn a faint blue. JC moved the stone, convinced it must be refracting the light in some dazzling way, but no matter what direction he manipulated it, the color remained the same.

“Your vishuddha is blocked and unbalanced,” Vivienne spoke over JC, who looked up at her quickly, unaware she had moved. “Your stone is saying your voice is stifled. I’ll make sure you are scheduled for an assessment and alignment tomorrow.” JC stared at the woman dumbfounded as she smiled down at him and casually ran a hand through his hair like he was a puppy getting a reassuring pet before moving onto the next person. How the hell had she known?!

Alice was growing frustrated. Once again, her imagination was failing her when it came to these types of exercises and she just felt silly. She debated just playing along at this point to get it over with so she could have the same experience as everyone else.

“You ok, Alice?” she heard a whisper. She opened one eye to see JC looking at her with quiet concern.

Alice sighed and whispered back. “I suck at this. I have no idea what I’m doing or why this isn’t working or…”

“Shhhh, it’s ok,” JC told her. “Let me help you.”

“Ok,” Alice agreed. She was trying to read JC but something wasn’t clicking. He had this peaceful yet vibrant energy about him Alice had never gotten from him before. There was an assuredness about him Alice only recognized in memory that felt familiar and inviting.

JC was riding a weird natural high and wanted Alice to experience the same. He still wasn’t sure what was going on or how Vivienne seemed to seamlessly diagnose his problem but it was clear to him some kind of unexplained magic was in the air and he wanted more to enjoy it than understand it.

“What’s your intention, Alice?” he asked. “Is it the same as before?”

“Yeah but not really. I mean, I don’t know if I’m really working on me or not. This isn’t how things are going to be when I get home and I don’t…”

“Stop,” JC cut her off. “One sentence. What do you need?”

“I need to just be me,” Alice blurted out before she could think of a better way to put it.

“Ok,” JC smiled. He outstretched Alice’s hands again and stood behind her. “Is it ok if I touch you?”

“I don’t recall you asking permission before,” she joked then pulled herself together. “Yeah, no, go head, you’re fine.”

“Shut your eyes,” JC told her in a hushed tone. Alice did so as she felt JC’s hands begin to rub over her shoulders. “Just relax. Clear your mind and think about what you said. Just those words. Don’t analyze them or try to explain their meaning. Focus on them and them alone.”

Alice sighed as she allowed JC to lull her into a nice peaceful state. His touch and his voice were irresistibly soothing and the only chore was concentrating on her task instead of him.

Once JC felt the gentle sway of Alice’s body under his hands, he glided one up and into Alice’s hair. His index finger pressed gently against a spot. “This is where that thought resides, right where my finger is. As I move my finger, that thought is going to drag along with it until we reach your palm. Can you do that for me?”

“Yes,” Alice breathed. In truth, she would have done anything JC requested of her but was feeling more than pliable at the moment. She felt JC massage the spot on her head and silently repeated her mantra until it was all she could think about.

Alice felt JC slowly slide his finger towards her temple and concentrated on feeling the words move in her body to keep in connection with him. This certainly wasn’t the type of visualization she was used to but was finding it much easier to do with JC’s help. His fingertip curved down her cheek and circled around to run along her throat as Alice worked to keep up.

JC smiled as he heard Alice give the barest whisper to her words as his finger slowly traveled down to her chest to circle intricately over her heart, mimicking the blood flow so she could feel the words travel through her. He could feel Alice relax against him the more he continued and knew she was right in the zone she needed to be.

He dragged his finger down the inside of Alice’s arm as Alice envisioned the words running down it, hooked onto an invisible string that JC was pulling. JC finally rested his fingertip squarely on the quartz in Alice’s hand, pressing the stone firmly into her palm. “Just imagine the words residing here. Release them from inside you and let them breathe.”

Alice focused all her energy onto doing as JC requested. It still felt silly to be standing by a lake in the moonlight and putting all her hopes into a damn rock but if JC thought it would help, she was going to stop second guessing it and give herself over to whatever the hell it was they were doing. She imagined the words bubbling up through her hand and into the gem, the inanimate object now beginning to pulse slightly as it took in her intentions.

“What the fuck?” Alice popped open her eyes to stare, trying to make sense of the sensation she was feeling.

“Stay in it,” JC whispered as his fingers moved over hers, making her curl them slowly over the stone. “Whatever you’re feeling, just go with it.”

Alice turned her head to look at JC. She was met with warm, calming eyes that affected her even beneath the hue of his tinted glasses. She felt lost and found at the exact same time and wanted more than anything to be enveloped in whatever feelings it was that JC was giving off. Then it hit her; she actually was. He was looking at her, just her, like that.

JC could tell something clicked for Alice as her eyes nearly became saucers as she stared back at him. He fought off a smile as he gave her a moment to bask in whatever feeling she was enjoying. This was the calmest he’d seen her and with the moonlight dancing off her skin, JC had to admit the most beautiful.

“Come on,” he finally whispered, leading her down to the water’s edge to join Vivienne. Alice knelt as JC had before, following Vivienne’s instructions as she recited the same incantation. Alice watched the water, swearing she felt bubbles forming around her hand as the gem gleamed in the moonlight a brilliance she almost had to look away from. As she focused again, the light settled and seemed to show tiny bits of yellow emanating from the middle of the stone.

“You have a shadow over your manipura,” Vivienne looked over, “but it is fading, see.” Vivienne moved Alice’s hand so she could observe the color move against the broken edges slowly. “It is understandable but we must remedy this as soon as possible. I will handle this personally and schedule time for us tomorrow to address.”

“Um, ok,” was all Alice could say, not having understood most of the words Vivienne had just said. She stared back at the gem, trying to figure out what chemical wizardry had caused the reaction with the water. There had to be a science behind it because there was no way any of this could just be…real?

After all the guests had gone, the group traveled back up to the resort to retire for the evening. Everyone seemed to be in a happy though confused euphoric state at what had transpired and given renewed energy to look forward to the rest of the journey.

“So, that was…uh…” JC struggled to find the words as he and Alice stood at their respective doors.

“Weird?”

“Disarming. Intense yet…”

“Intimate,” Alice looked at him.

“Yeah, intimate,” JC gulped. 

“What did you do to me back there?” Alice asked in wonderment.

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know exactly. Just the way you were talking to me and ummm, touching me. It just…I’ve never felt anything like that before, with anyone.”

“Not even…”

“With anyone,” Alice repeated.

JC stared at her. “I’m not really sure what happened but I just went with it. Something about the energy, the atmosphere, it just felt good…freeing. I wanted you to feel that too. I wanted to share it, to have that…”

“Connection,” Alice nearly whispered.

“Yeah,” JC breathed, looking at her.

Alice desperately wanted to continue what had seemingly been cut off earlier. Every impulse wanted to pull JC into a mind blowing kiss and touch him in the way she’d always imagined. It felt right and she cautiously stepped closer.

JC didn’t flinch but something in the pit of his stomach was stirring…or maybe lower. He felt it too. It had been building rapidly all week, this growing need to…to… JC couldn’t put his finger on it. Part of him selfishly wanted to understand, to feel how he had somehow helped Alice for all these years. He wanted to feel the connection back but didn’t know how to express it.

Alice saw a need in JC’s expression and she paused. It wasn’t lust but almost pleading, but for what? She couldn’t read him. She reached up and pushed JC’s glasses up to rest on his head. JC blinked several times as his eyes adjusted and settled back on Alice.

His eyes were a soft blue with the faintest streaks of gold flickering in them. Alice could stare at them for hours and in fact had done so on some of her worst nights. Now here they were, here he was, finally, just for her.

The alarm bell of reality went off in Alice’s brain. Whatever they’d shared tonight was true and beautiful and something that she would remember for the rest of her life. She still, however, could not rationalize a world where JC Chasez would want her. He had an amazing life and he was making great strides to remember that. She genuinely wanted to remain a part of that life and ruining it now over her unrequited feelings were suddenly no longer an option. After how close they’d gotten, she couldn’t bear the rejection.

“Goodnight, JC,” Alice said softly and indulged only slightly as she gave him a kiss on the cheek. Her lips lingered slightly, wanting to savor the moment, before forcing herself away. “Thank you for tonight.”

“Goodnight Alice, and thank you,” JC replied. He didn’t want her to leave but couldn’t get his mouth to work to voice it. He wanted her companionship, to relish in this connection they were experiencing just a little while longer. He hadn’t felt this emotionally tied to someone in so long and just laying in bed and having another movie night was something he was desperately craving. Yet, as he watched Alice turn and unlock her door, he somehow knew if he invited her over, the situation would not remain so innocent. The electricity between them was enticing but dangerous and JC knew he couldn’t be trusted.

Alice shut her door with a heavy sigh. She reminded herself yet again to keep the focus on the friendship and stop reading into things that obviously weren’t there. Millie was just trying to boost her ego but there was no way he would ever feel attracted towards her.

Pulling off her wet leggings, shoes and socks from the lake, Alice flung herself on her bed. Every day had felt like a whirlwind but this was the biggest tornado as of yet. She couldn’t deny that she and JC were getting physically closer as they grew to know one another each day. It made sense but whenever he’d put an arm around her or grab her hand while they walked…the excitement would never get old.

Alice wriggled on the bed as the memory of JC on top of her that morning came rearing back to the forefront. Her eyes popped open and looked down as she realized she still had one more wet article of clothing on her body. She dipped a hand under the waistband of her panties and gasped. Alice peered toward the opposite wall. He’d never know if she was quiet enough, Alice thought devilishly to herself as she bent her knees and opened her legs wide, letting the memory of JC fuel her thoughts instead of simply her home spun fantasies this time around.

Barely fifteen feet away, JC leaned against the shower wall as his hand ran deftly over his swollen cock. The tension had gotten too much for him and he let his own little fantasy play out in his mind of what could have been. He wasn’t sure if any of it was actually what he wanted in reality but right now the mental image of Alice jacking him nice and slow while he touched and kissed all over her body was exactly what he wanted to indulge in. It wasn’t about the sexual act, it was about the need for connection. That’s what had been missing from his life and here this woman was giving it to him in spades.

With a shuddering groan, JC came hard into the tub below, his knees nearly buckling as he experienced the release his body and soul needed. Alice had a brief thought that she heard something as her orgasm hit her, quickly grabbing a pillow and covering her face to muffle her scream. The two panted, trying to catch their breath, staring at the wall that separated them, unknowing of the other’s actions.

 

Day 5

JC and Alice found themselves in their usual corner of the lounge the next morning, well rested and awaiting their fate. They made small talk as they drank their coffee, saying how they both pretty much went to bed after parting ways the previous evening and making no illusions to their other activities and their desires to have spent the night with the other.

In due time, Ivan made his way around with their trail assignments for the morning. JC read the card aloud. “You both will be going through some individual transformative healing later today so this morning is concentrated more on physical preparedness than mental. Work at your own pace in our Meadow to prepare for your day. Your connection will guide the way.”

Alice flipped the card over and found a listing of various cardio exercises to be completed during their time this morning. “So, I guess it’s just a free for all?”

“Sounds more like your previous assertion: wear us down physically so we’re less resistant to the mental stuff later.”

“Still not convinced this isn’t a cult.”

“At least they feed us well.”

“I’m not committing to a no steak lifestyle.”

JC laughed as he cleared he and Alice’s dishes and they traveled the short distance to the meadow. “So, how are you feeling? Like, after last night and everything?”

“Weird…but good. I can’t stop thinking about those gemstones. Like? How did they turn color?”

“They must have had some coating on them we couldn’t see that reacted with the water. What I don’t get is how Vivienne knew what’s going on with me.”

“Could be a lucky guess but most likely the staff is keeping her informed.”

“That’s kind of creepy.”

“Tell me about it. I’m actually not looking forward to meeting her today to “clean my manipura” or whatever the hell it is.”

“Hopefully it’s just some skin detoxifying thing at the spa,” JC said as they reached the threshold of the meadow. “Ok, what’s first up?”

“”Walk at a slow, easy pace for ten minutes to warm up.” I feel like we already did that part just getting here.”

JC gave a look around and could see the trail down to the lake not too far off in the distance. “Come on,” he said to Alice, grabbing her hand and leading her.

“Where are we going?”

“To get some answers, hopefully.” The two made a brisk walk down to the shore of the lake where they had both stood the previous night. Only footprints remained to show they had even been there.

“What are you looking for?” Alice asked.

“I don’t know…something,” JC searched. Finally, a tiny glint caught his eye and he hurried over to the spot the pile of quartz had laid the night before. All were gone but one forgotten piece. JC picked it up and brushed the sand and dirt off of it gently with his fingertips.

“What’s that?” Alice joined him.

“Some quartz from last night. Hold on, I want to see something,” he said, handing her the stone and pulling off his socks and sneakers.

“What the hell are you doing?” Alice started to laugh.

“I don’t want my clothes to get wet again,” he reasoned as he pulled down his sweatpants to reveal his dark blue boxer briefs with tiny quacking mallards on them. Alice couldn’t help but gasp and JC chuckled as he took the gemstone back from her. “Really, Alice?”

“Jesus, I’m sorry,” Alice blushed, becoming conscious she was staring. “So, again, what are you doing?”

“I’m gonna see if I can figure out how this works,” he flashed the gem at her before wading into the water. Alice watched from the shoreline as JC bent over and submerged the stone just as he had done the previous night.

After a few minutes, JC grimaced at the water below him. “What’s the verdict?” Alice called over.

“It’s not doing anything,” JC scratched his head.

“Did you do the thing?”

“The thing?”

“You know, the thing? That Vivienne said.”

“That couldn’t possibly matter, could it?”

“Hell if I know. I’m just as confused as you about all this.”

“Do you wanna try?” JC picked the gem out of the water and pointed it toward Alice.

“What am I gonna do that you didn’t?”

“I don’t know, just thinking out loud,” JC returned his eyes to the stone, trying to solve the mystery.

Alice could see JC was getting discouraged and with a sigh, pulled off her own socks and sneakers and rolled up her leggings as high as possible and went to join him. JC gave her a small smile as she approached and handed over the stone.

Crouched over, Alice put the gem back into the water and moved it about in the same manner JC  had done to no avail. She shut her eyes and half heartedly recited her mantra from the night before, trying anything to get this damn thing to do something.

“Maybe I need to go further in,” JC furrowed his brow, clearly having the same mindset. He stepped out of the water and shirked off his multicolored windbreaker and black t shirt so only his underwear remained as he went back in the lake.

Alice didn’t notice until he was back next to her and plucked the gem out of her hand. She had seen him just as naked in the sauna but her own state of undress had kept her occupied and not fully enjoying the experience in front of her. The muscles in his back shone in the morning sun as he submerged deeper into the water.

“Stop looking at my butt,” JC called back, not turning around.

“I wasn’t looking at your butt,” Alice protested. This time, JC did turn and eyed her. “I was looking at your back. I was working my way down.”

JC laughed hard enough that his footing slipped and his head plunged under the water with a small yelp. Quick as lightning, Alice ran further into the water and as soon as she had enough leverage, dove towards him. By the time she reached him, he had come back up with a gasp, smoothing his hair back and getting the water out of his face.

“Whoa whoa, careful,” JC quickly grabbed her by the waist. “It drops off fast.”

“Jesus, are you ok?” Alice tried to calm her beating heart.

“Yeah, I’m good. Thanks for rushing to my rescue,” he smiled.

“Don’t do that,” she admonished him breathlessly.

“I certainly didn’t plan it,” he retorted then began looking down into the water. “Dammit,” he muttered. “Hold on,” he told Alice before this time intentionally diving under water. Nearly a full minute later, he finally popped up about ten feet further into the lake. “Well, we got wet for nothing.”

“What happened?” Alice casually swam up to him.

“I dropped the quartz when I fell and I can’t find it,” he pouted. “Guess this is just another mystery of this place.”

“Do you think…I don’t even know how to phrase it…”

“I don’t know what to think but I know last night was the closest to magic I’ve ever experienced,” JC thought back. “Whatever mysticism is happening, it’s working.”

“It’s not mysticism, it’s drugs and chemistry tricks,” Alice rationalized. “There has to be an explanation.”

“I understand that and I agree, I just…” JC cut himself off and looked down again. “Is the water getting…warmer?”

Alice looked down as well but couldn’t quite tell. “I didn’t pee in the lake, if that’s what you’re implying.”

“No, I’m not…” JC broke down into a laugh until a wave of warm water rushed over his legs. “See, did you feel that?”

This time Alice did feel the temperature change. “Maybe you hit something when you fell. The town is called Hot Lava Springs for a reason, I assume.”

“Right, that’s gotta be it,” JC agreed though skeptically. The practical side of him wanted answers but, just like last night, the emotional side of him nearly didn’t care what was making him feel good and just that he finally was.

“We should probably head back, looks like there’s a mist forming,” Alice pointed out. 

JC looked over the expanse of the lake to see a light and low fog rolling towards them. He looked up at the sky and could see the sun peaking through the trees. The weather patterns weren’t making sense but he wasn’t used to this climate either, plus the growing warmth of the water was coaxing him to stay.

“It’ll probably go away in a few minutes,” JC tried to reassure Alice, pulling her close against his body. “Let’s just wait it out.”

“You obviously don’t watch enough horror movies. Clearly the lake is turning into a caldron and once we’re cooked, whatever large and upsetting creature that lives in here is going to eat us. Actually, that does explain everything. Vivienne just sacrifices people to the lake monster and in turn it keeps the guests from questioning too much.”

“What I would give to have your imagination,” JC chuckled.

“More a blessing than a curse, thankfully. Right now, however, pretty sure a tentacle is going to wrap around my ankle at any moment.”

“I promise you, nothing bad is going to happen,” JC told Alice calmly, his mood suddenly solemn and tranquil. The look in his eyes and the sincerity of his voice instantly drained Alice of her nerves.

“Yeah, ok,” she agreed quietly, wrapping her arms around JC’s neck.

The two watched in silence as the fog slowly enveloped them, the water temperature rising to mimic being in a hot tub. The warmth relaxed their muscles to the point of having to remember to keep themselves afloat. JC was realizing he had a problem as he struggled with managing both his and some of Alice’s weight.

“Get on your back,” JC told her as he let his legs rise up and found himself more buoyant than previously. Alice followed suit and once she found herself stable, reached over to grab JC’s hand so she didn’t lose him.

“What. The fuck. Is happening?” Alice said as she stared up at the sky even though she couldn’t see anything.

“I don’t know but it feels fucking amazing,” JC stated dreamily. He was experiencing pure bliss, his mind and body as relaxed as he could ever remember. Not that he was doing much remembering at the moment, he was just letting himself go along for the ride.

“Are we dead? This feels pretty Pearly Gates ajacent.”

“Not dead, just floating in space…together,” JC squeezed her hand.

Alice breathed and let that sense of peace she kept trying to fight work it’s way over her. She imagined this was sort of like a very large version of a deprivation tank, where there is nothing around you and you just exist. She never tried one as she knew she couldn’t get her brain to quiet enough to enjoy it but this was beginning to change her mind.

The two stayed like this for an unknown period of time, floating silently, without worry or care until the mist began to lift and the sun broke through. Their bodies sank back into the now cooling water. Alice was wide eyed as she took in the surroundings, noting everything seemed exactly the same as when they had arrived and nearly convinced she’d experienced another hallucination.

“Did we just find the Fountain of Youth?” JC nearly giggled as he began to process what had just happened. “I feel like I could run a marathon.”

“It’s more likely we found where they are hiding the rest of the alien pods from Cocoon.”

“A carnivore and a cinephile,” JC smiled brightly. “I’m beginning to think a date at a steakhouse and a late night movie are in our future.”

“Guess you have even more of a reason now to visit Florida,” Alice teased.

“I guess I do,” JC smirked then registered what he said. He liked Alice and he wanted to keep in touch after the retreat. He still envisioned her as a part of his life yet getting together, having a “date”…the reality of it all was settling in. He didn’t want to lead her on that their relationship could be any more than what it was. He didn’t want that, he kept reminding himself.

A slight breeze brought JC back to their current situation. “Shit, Alice, we gotta get you out of those wet clothes.” Alice raised an eyebrow at him. “For God’s sake, you know what I meant,” JC chuckled as they headed back to shore.

JC sprinted out and threw his t shirt and sweatpants over his soaking body before grabbing his windbreaker and covering Alice’s shoulders. “What are you doing? It’s gonna get wet for no reason,” she tried to push it off.

“It’s fabric, it’ll dry,” JC protested. “We still have to walk back and it’ll help keep you warm a little bit until you can change.” He picked up their sneakers and socks as they carefully headed back barefoot.

Alice tucked her head down a moment and could smell JC’s scent in the jacket. She couldn’t pick out anything distinctive but she inhaled it just the same, wanting to memorize it into the core of her being, fearful she may never get the chance again after a few days time.

The duo made their way back, JC keeping Alice close and rubbing her shoulders in an attempt to keep her warm. “We definitely failed this exercise,” Alice chuckled.

“Eh, we had our own adventure,” JC reassured her.

“Some adventure. What the fuck even was that?”

“I don’t know but I think I’m done trying to figure it out,” JC shook his head. “Maybe there are some things we just aren’t meant to understand.”

“Do you believe in the butterfly effect?”

“Yes and no. I don’t believe that picking this instead of that for like, food, or something affects anything but you know, what if I waited one more week to come here? Things would be vastly different.”

“I don’t know how to feel about the idea that everything happens for a reason, you know? It’s fucked up to think I had to go through all that hell to end up here with you.”

“I’m flattered but I don’t think I’m the prize in all this.”

“Pretty sure things can’t get any better than finally getting to hang out with you.”

“You have no idea what the future holds. Who knows, maybe this is just the catalyst to something better. I hope, uh, I hope I’m helping in some way with that.”

“You are,” Alice leaned into him. “I hope I’m helping too. How do you think it’s gonna go when you get home?”

“I don’t know. You know, Jen’s getting a full week to think things through on her end as well. I always felt I was a pretty independent guy but this is the longest I’ve been away from her since she moved in. I miss her and I don’t all at the same time.”

“Maybe that’s a good sign though. Space doesn’t mean wanting to break up, it just means you need time for yourself. I think that’s healthy.”

“Did you do that a lot with Donny?”

“Donny did that a lot with me. I couldn’t really have my own activities or girls’ night out or anything like that. My time for myself was spent keeping the house in order and then waiting for him to get home.”

JC frowned. He was feeling conflicted about heading home yet every time Alice mentioned something about her former husband, he silently thanked God for having such an amazing and understanding partner.

“It took me a long time to find Jen. I made a lot of mistakes, gave my heart to the wrong people, didn’t give enough to the people I should have. She came at exactly the right time and just…she blindsided me. I wasn’t looking for a relationship and suddenly there she was and I couldn’t stop thinking about her, didn’t want to be away from her. And it was just so easy, you know. She was the first woman I didn’t feel like I had to be this big pop star for. I just was me and that was enough for her.”

“You’re really lucky, JC,” Alice brushed away a tear. “You deserve that happiness in your life.”

JC was silent for a moment. The sincerity in Alice’s voice almost made him believe it…almost. He knew he deserved to be happy but he never felt like he should have such the good life he’d been provided. He was lucky and he knew it. His luck had run out a long time ago, however and lately he felt like he was living on borrowed time.

That thought literally stopped him in his tracks, causing Alice to get a step ahead of him and turn back. “What?” she asked him curiously.

“This rut I’m in, or whatever you want to call it. I know I dug it but this week has been making me realize just how deep it goes.”

“It’s not bottomless, JC. You can climb some of the way out yourself but find the rope and let others help hoist you up.”

“That what you are doing?” JC chuckled.

“Trying,” Alice admitted. “It’s harder to face people than I thought but, you know, I’m working on it.”

“Guess I am too,” he started escorting her back again, silently thinking about the number of tough conversations he was going to have to have when he got back. He thought it would just be Jen but now he was realizing that wasn’t the only relationship in his life he needed to work on.

“Jesus, what happened to the two of you?” Ivan exclaimed as he saw JC and Alice approaching the lounge.

“Somebody decided to fall in the lake and surprisingly enough, it wasn’t me,” Alice quipped, the chill of her wet clothes starting to seep into her bones.

“The lake?” Ivan grew wide eyed. “What exactly happened at the lake?”

“You tell us,” JC stated. “We were trying to retrace the events of last night and all of a sudden the water got super hot and then it all just dissipated.”

“Don’t forget about the spooky fog,” Alice piped up.

“Right, spooky fog,” JC added.

“Look, if this is some Invasion of the Body Snatchers bullshit, can I at least sign guardianship of my kid over to my brother first?” Alice asked earnestly.

Ivan shook his head and gave a low laugh. “Not the first time I’ve heard the aliens theory but not necessary. There are underwater geysers in the lake and it sounds like one went off while you were in there. I’m just glad you both are ok.”

“How do you explain the glowing crystals then?” JC asked him.

“Ah, I see,” Ivan smiled. “I get it. A lot of stuff we do here is…unorthodox but at the end of the day, belief is the most powerful thing we teach.” JC and Alice exchanged looks, silently noting that Ivan didn’t really answer the question. “Why don’t you both go get breakfast and a hot shower? Josh, when you’re ready, I can meet you over at the meditation garden.”

“Why?” JC asked skeptically.

“Because I’m going to do some reiki with you and see if I can help with your voice issues,” Ivan explained simply. “Bring your crystal with you,” he said before turning with a satisfied smile and leaving.

The duo were left dripping and confused. “If you come back different, I promise to avenge you,” Alice told JC sincerely.

JC gave a hearty laugh. “They won’t take me without a fight,” he told her as they made their way back to their rooms to get cleaned up.

Alice pedaled aggressively as the instructor loudly encouraged the participants of her spin class but, unsurprisingly, her mind was somewhere else. Her session with Lesli after her shower wasn’t very productive but she appreciated the therapist letting her spout off all her questions about the night before and her adventure with JC this morning. It unfortunately left her with even more questions and concern as she set into her cooldown and hoped her yoga class would calm her worries. This whole retreat was meant to help them yet she couldn’t get her mind off the fact that JC was alone with Ivan and praying everything was going ok.

JC sat cross legged on a worn section of the garden, watching Ivan arrange various bottles and implements on a bench to the side of them. Incense permeated the air as Ivan had blessed the space before JC sat down. The air was cool and he wished he’d grabbed another jacket but was glad he’d pulled his hair back into a small ponytail to keep it from blowing in his face. He clutched his stone in his palm and waited anxiously for whatever was about to happen.

Finally, it seemed, Ivan was ready as he sat down opposite JC in the same manner. “Namaste, Josh,” he put his hands in prayer position and bowed at the waist.

“Namaste,” JC mimicked the action.

“Do you have any idea what we are doing here today?”

“Not really. Your mom said my vishuddha was blocked? Seems like that has to do with my voice but I worked with Julian on that yesterday so I’m not really sure what good this will do.”

“Julian’s work is extremely important but his focus is finding your voice. The voice is in you, Josh. It’s found, it just can’t get out,” Ivan explained. “The vishuddha is the throat chakra, most commonly associated with the color blue, like your quartz,” Ivan gestured towards JC’s hand. 

JC uncurled his fingers and stared at the crystal. “Ok…but that still doesn’t explain how it turned blue.”

“Doesn’t it?” Ivan gave a small smile.

“Look man,” JC sighed. “I’m all for trying new things and fixing my vishuddha or whatever but all this coded speak is really getting to me.”

Ivan’s smile grew wider. “Well, I’d say we’re already making progress. Shall we begin?”

“I guess?” JC said, growing more confused as the exercise went on.

“You need to be able to speak your truth, Josh. Kevin, Julian, and professionals back home can help you figure out why it happened and to help make sure it doesn’t happen again but my job today is to clear up the traffic jam you’ve created inside of you.”

JC couldn’t argue with the analogy as Ivan leaned forward and peered at him. “The vishuddha is like the body’s communication hub. Calling it the throat chakra isn’t entirely accurate as it also affects the tongue, lips, cheeks, jaw, ears, neck and shoulders. It impacts not just our voice and ability to speak but our listening skills as well.”

“Often when our vishuddha is blocked or out of alignment, we can feel our voice is not being heard and we stifle it,” he continued. “We also find it harder to hear what others may be trying to tell us, pulling out the negative and ignoring the positive. This can lead to feelings of depression, anxiety and low self esteem, or just a general feeling of being “off” because essentially you are.”

JC now was listening with rapt attention, feeling like Ivan was accurately describing his recent mental state. “Ok, so, what do we do about it?”

“It depends on how deeply it is blocked. Once we identify that, we’ll go about opening it to ensure that energy is flowing freely again.” Ivan stood and ran his hands over the smoke from the incense burner. “This is a bit of a physical examination but not intrusive. Can I place my hands on you so I can get a sense of what’s going on?”

“Uh, sure, ok,” JC agreed. Ivan moved behind JC and gently placed his hands on JC’s shoulders. JC didn’t move as Ivan methodically moved up and down JC’s arms, up and around his neck, down his back and around to his chest. As Ivan moved down over JC’s stomach, JC shifted a bit uncomfortably. “Uh, Ivan, careful where you’re going there.”

“Shhhh, I’m not gonna be inappropriate. I’m just trying to find the…yes, there it is!” Ivan said triumphantly, pressing a finger into the middle left of JC’s gut, below his belly button but above his pelvis. “I should have known.”

“Should have known what?”

“Your creativity lives in your svadhisthana, or to plainly say, your gut. It’s full and can’t get out because of the blockage. I’m going to guess you haven’t been doing much musically lately because you don’t feel that spark, right?”

“Damn…yeah,” JC admitted, bewildered.

“That also explains why you’re carrying some excess weight in that region,” Ivan continued.

“Thanks for noticing,” JC grumbled.

“In order for those creative ideas to flourish and manifest, they have to have a way to express themselves. That’s where your vishuddha comes in. Those ideas need the gateway to get out and into the world.”

“Ok, I’m with you, but I still don’t understand the how.”

“From what Julian explained to me, a lot of the issue is that you have something to say but can’t work up the nerve to say it or even how to say it, correct?” JC nodded in affirmation. Ivan stood again and made a concerned face. “Josh, it all connects. Your creativity is stifled because you can’t express yourself. You aren’t writing or performing which is frustrating you and that frustration is causing you to shut down because you feel like you can’t talk to anyone about it in a way you feel they will understand. You’re hiding from the important and hard conversations because you feel like you can’t handle them. We aren’t leaving here until we can make sure that you can.”

JC could feel the hot tears starting to spill down his cheeks. “How the fuck do you know all this?” he asked as he wiped his eyes. “I used to be so clear about what I wanted or what I didn’t. I knew how to state my choices and defend them if need be. I could give my opinion or joke around without fear of repercussion. I don’t know when it all changed.”

“I don’t know either but we are gonna set you back on the right path today, I promise you that,” Ivan said confidently. “I want you to be able to speak fearlessly again while learning to truly hear what others are saying, not just selective parts. When you can articulate yourself clearly, it will help you finally feel heard and understood.”

JC wanted that bad, more than he realized even yesterday working with Julian. He knew Ivan wasn’t offering a magic cure but so many unexplainable realizations had happened over the past few days, he was almost convinced he’d finally feel like himself again after all of this. “Ok, I’m ready,” he looked Ivan square in the eyes.

Ivan smiled as he started the session by leading JC through a few yoga moves that specifically bent and flexed the neck to allow his body to loosen. Once satisfied, they sat back down as Ivan took JC’s crystal and placed it at the base of his throat, his thumbs holding it in place as his hands rested on JC’s collarbone. Ivan let out a low, gentle hum as he slowly rotated JC’s neck to the left.

“Feel the vibration in your throat and let it travel through your body,” Ivan instructed him, his own humming growing a touch louder. “Allow yourself to focus inward and concentrate on your own energy. Pay less attention to me and more to yourself.”

JC tried his hardest, able to let Ivan manipulate his body much in the same way he relaxed when getting his massage. Trying to find his own energy was harder, however. It didn’t feel like he had none but more as though it was dormant, happy to stay settled and languid.

“Feel the truth within you wanting to surface. Whatever that may be, feel its presence and power begin to rise and take shape,” Ivan told him. “Invite a letting go of holding. Let your muscles relax and allow those feelings to come forward.”

Concentration formed on JC’s face as he worked to find the truth he wanted to explain. There was so much of it though, too many things he needed to get out of him. Hurt, pain, joy, regret…it all was mixed into one giant lump he didn’t know how to unravel.

Ivan could sense the tension in JC start to rise and stopped his meditation. “I’m sorry, I know you’re trying,” JC apologized. “I just…I don’t even know where to start.”

“I told you, Josh. We aren’t leaving until we get you unblocked,” Ivan stood and made his way over to the bench.

“You make it sound like I’m constipated,” JC tried to joke.

“You are,” Ivan deadpanned. “Emotionally constipated, that is.” He returned with a mug. “Drink this,” he handed the mug to JC. “Think of this as MiraLAX for the soul.”

JC eyed the concoction and tipped the cup to his lips. The liquid was warm but viscus, like he was drinking melted licorice. “Ugh, that was terrible!” JC exclaimed as he finished, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “What the hell is in it?”

“Josh, you should always ask before you ingest the unknown substance, never after,” Ivan couldn’t help but tease, taking the mug from JC and placing a large bowl in front of him.

“Did you just poison me?!” JC asked in alarm.

“Obviously no but I can’t promise you this next little bit will be pleasant. I’m gonna be with you every step of the way though,” Ivan told him, moving to sit behind JC this time and placing the crystal once again in the same spot. “We’re gonna start over again, ok?”

“Fuck…” JC breathed, sweat forming on his brow as he could feel his anxiety start to take hold. He had no idea what he’d gotten himself into but knew he was in it too deep at this point. The logical part of him knew he wasn’t going to die but that wasn’t reassuring enough for him at the moment.

Soon enough, Ivan was reciting his meditation again, this time taking a bit longer to get JC’s body relaxed and loosened once more. When he was finally satisfied it was as good as it was going to get, Ivan once again asked JC to envision the truth he needed to get out of his body. 

This time, however, it was clearer to JC the ball of repressed feelings that was arising in his stomach. He swore he could feel it move slowly from the spot Ivan had indicated earlier and creep up through his intestines as an audible gurgle could be heard.

“Good job, Josh. Keep going,” Ivan quickly stated before going back to his incantation. JC could feel the hum of his body more clearly this time around as it vibrated with growing intensity as they continued. His anxiety kicked into high gear as he felt that ball hit the base of his esophagus.

“Hey man, I think we gotta stop, I’m not…” JC licked his lips as his mouth ran dry, his skin all of a sudden clammy and his breathing labored.

“I got you, Josh. Let it happen,” Ivan told him calmly but firmly. JC suddenly realized the purpose of the bowl and vowed to punch Ivan as soon as he had his strength back.

Vomit poured out of JC in a wave as he screamed out his heartache. “Help! I just need some fucking help. Why can’t anyone see that?!” he broke down in tears, his body folding in on itself with only Ivan keeping him upright.

“There you go, don’t stop,” Ivan encouraged him.

Another round came forward. “I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve any of it. I couldn’t be the success people thought I was. I fooled everybody, especially myself.” There was just enough pause for JC to catch his breath before the next exorcism of bile came forth. “I miss my brothers so much. I miss what we had and I’m scared we’ll never have it again.”

This continued for several minutes, as JC’s cries grew louder and more urgent as everything he’d kept bottled up flowed out of him. His seeming failure as a solo artist and as a manager, the toll his past relationships had take on him and how he knew he’d never be good enough for Jen because of them, the constant and unwanted comparisons to Justin and how they affected him and just how utterly tired he was of trying to act like everything was ok when it very much wasn’t.

JC’s body was wracked with sobs, convulsing and sweating as this whole process went on. He felt like he couldn’t breathe but Ivan held him tight and reminded him to take in air. Once the throwing up subsided, Ivan carefully laid JC onto his side to let him recover. JC turned himself into his own ball as he continued to let his feelings out in long, loud and cathartic tears.

When JC finally opened his eyes, he saw Ivan crouched over him with a second mug in his hand. “Fuck you,” JC spat at him and attempted to get up but his limbs had other plans as he simply wasn’t strong enough yet.

“That’s fair,” Ivan said, undeterred. “I promise you, this is just chamomile with honey and a bit of elderberry.” Ivan took a sip to show JC it was harmless and extended it again. JC trepidatiously took the mug with his shaking hands and let the smooth liquid slide down his throat. Without a word, Ivan refilled the mug a second and third time until JC had his bearings back.

“What in the actual fuck just happened?” JC stared with wide red eyes. 

“You’ve been letting your fears consume you for far too long. We had to get them out in order to start healing all those wounds.”

“Did the expulsion of all my stomach contents really need to be involved though?”

“That’s how your body manifested it, Josh. Sometimes we need a physical example of our emotional state.” JC raised an eyebrow at Ivan, who couldn’t help but laugh. “Ok, fine, a little bit of ipecac might have been involved as well but the point still remains.”

“So you did poison me?”

“Do you feel better though? Think about it; answer honestly.”

JC did think it through. He was exhausted but he somehow felt lighter. It had felt good to finally say out loud so much of what he said to himself on a nearly daily basis. He didn’t know if those thoughts were truly gone from him but there was a sense of uneasy relief running through him. “I, uh, I kind of do, I guess,” JC admitted.

“Good. Now let’s start on healing,” Ivan smiled. He reached over and picked up something from the ground, handing it to JC. “Looks like we’re well on our way.”

JC looked at the jewel in Ivan’s hand. It looked in shape like the one he’d brought with him but it now glowed a deeper, brighter blue than previously. “Ok, you switched them out, I get it. Point made though,” JC took it from him.

“I promise you I didn’t but I can’t give away all the company secrets,” Ivan winked. “Life teaches us many lessons and while it is important we learn from them, we cannot keep all of that energy within ourselves without muting our own. Today, you let some of that unneeded energy go and your own light is shining brighter. Now we need to make sure it never dulls again.”

“How do we do that?”

“Right now you’ve got a spaciousness within you you haven’t had for quite some time, a freedom for your energy to now manifest in a positive way. We are going to harness that to get you going on the right path and keep you connected to your authentic self,” Ivan sat back down next to JC.

Ivan led JC through another meditation, incorporating the breath work that Julian had taught him prior and how he could move the energy through his body based on it. They worked on specific techniques on how to maintain a sense of calm when disputes could arise so that JC could still use his voice effectively and know that he was being heard.

“Your voice is an instrument, Josh,” Ivan explained. “Not just because you are a musician, this is true for all of us. Even though you don’t perform anymore, you should treat it with the same care. Drink tea, warm it up in the morning, do vocal exercises. You need to keep your voice healthy so it is always ready to use when you need it, both physically and spiritually.”

“I mean, sure, but I don’t really know how that’s gonna help.”

“Not only does it create a routine to start off your day, it also is a reminder of a better time.” JC cocked his head in confusion at Ivan’s statement. “You were happy performing, were you not? Or even just creating music, I’m sure you have to prepare your voice in some way to do that. Let yourself remember that joy so you can experience it again.”

“How do you make it sound so simple?”

“Because it actually is. If we all could just focus on the good things in life instead of getting distracted by all the issues the world creates for us, we’d all be in a much better place,” Ivan surmised as he helped JC slowly to his feet. 

“The benefits of living on a commune,” JC chuckled as he steadied himself.

“Perhaps, or perhaps it’s just finding the happiness in the way I choose to live,” Ivan smiled at him. “You need to take it easy today. Everything’s raw. I arranged for lunch in your room, a nice spirulina cream of cauliflower soup that is excellent for the throat chakra. Take the afternoon for yourself and just see how you feel.”

“Alright man, thanks…I think,” JC started to slowly move.

“Hold on, I’ll walk back with you,” Ivan said as he started to clean up the area. “I also want to give you the number of a colleague in LA for when you get back. She’s a reiki specialist and voice coach and I think would be excellent in keeping you on track for at least the next month or two while you get your bearings.”

“Is it going to involve puking again?”

“As long as you don’t get that bound up again and actually express what you’re feeling, no, you should be fine.” Ivan smirked. “Oh, I almost forgot,” he stated and grabbed JC’s quartz from his hand. He walked over to the bench and JC heard the quick sound of a drill. After a moment, Ivan returned with the crystal now having a small loop attached and a plain black chord strung through it.

“Well, isn’t this ironic?” JC took the necklace and examined it.

“Why’s that?”

“I used to wear something similar for years. Same shape too just a pendant for my astrological sign.”

“Maybe you were subconsciously drawn to this one because of its familiarity then.”

“No, actually Alice picked this out for me,” he turned the gemstone delicately between his fingertips.

“Then perhaps she was,” Ivan stated plainly then took back the necklace and affixed it around JC’s neck, the stone laying perfectly at the base. “It’s important to remember we can celebrate our past without being bound to it. We can take the old and make it into something new.”

JC touched the stone once more. “That one has always been a hard lesson for me to learn.”

“You’ll get there,” Ivan patted his back as the two made their way back to the retreat house.

It was late afternoon by the time JC saw Alice again as he entered the art studio. He’d spent the day taking Ivan’s advice, electing to do some activities that truly sparked his interest while letting himself recoup from the morning. A long talk with Kevin and a citrus & herb magnesium body treatment later, he was feeling energized and more youthful than he had in years.

Alice was bent over a table in concentration, hot glue gun in hand as JC approached her. “Hey Beautiful,” he smiled and kissed her temple. “Whatcha making?”

A yelp of shock left Alice at the sudden interaction, dropping the glue gun on the table. “Jesus Christ!” she shouted, clutching her chest and breathing heavily. JC just looked at her with amusement. “Fuck! Where have you been? If I didn’t see you by dinner, I was seriously going to start worrying the aliens really did abduct you.”

“Can’t get rid of me that easily,” JC chuckled then looked over to the table. “So, what are you doing?”

“I took this class about journaling and they suggested you decorate it to make it more meaningful and appealing to want to write in every day.”

“That’s actually a pretty good idea. I used to journal a lot but it’s been sporadic at best the past few years. Maybe this would help.”

“Well, pull up a seat if you want,” Alice scooted over.

“Yes, but not for that,” JC told her as he walked away. Alice watched as he grabbed something from across the room and returned to sit next to her, placing a figurine on the table.

“What in the hell is that?”

“It’s a horse, or at least my attempt at a horse. I made it the other day so now I’m gonna paint it and give it some detail,” JC explained.

“It’s somehow comforting to know you aren’t perfect at everything,” Alice chuckled as she went back to her journal.

“I’ll admit I wasn’t sure about it at first but your friend Millie got me to see things from a different perspective and it’s now grown on me,” JC beamed at his creation as he started to select some paint.

“Lord,” Alice looked around the room. “I do like Millie but she’s a little too invested in…us.”

“How do you mean?”

“Did you forget about her spying from a damn bush? I don’t know, she means well but she uses these retreats to get her rocks off and good for her, no judgement. That’s just not the reason I’m here, you know?”

“Absolutely. I get it. Week away, some freedom from responsibility. Easy to let your more carnal instincts take over,” JC said offhandedly then noticed Alice’s journal again. “Hey, what is that you’re doing with the shamrock?”

“Oh, I figured that represented Patrick. Just trying to pick out certain symbols and decoupage them together in a way that doesn’t look completely heinous.”

“What’s decoupage?”

Alice blinked at JC several times. “You’ve got to be kidding me?”

“What?” JC asked innocently.

“You mean after all that, Rosie never even showed you?!” Alice’s voice rose in volume.

“Rosie?” JC tried to figure out.

“Rosie O’Donnell. One of the times you were on the show, she mentioned decoupage and you very infamously said “Learn me”. I can’t believe you don’t remember that. You were wearing that black cardigan with the birds on it.”

“I can’t believe you remember what I was wearing,” JC laughed. It occurred to JC that normally this turn in the conversation would have weirded him out but whether it was because it was Alice or his unwound tension from earlier in the day, he just let it carry on without worry.

“I mean, I probably remember a lot of stuff I shouldn’t,” Alice blushed and shifted on her stool. “Is it weird, you know, that fans can remind you of parts of your life that you’ve forgotten?”

JC considered the question as he dipped a thin paint brush into some chestnut colored paint. “Yes but not in an upsetting way. Like when a friend reminds you of a night out or a conversation. Sometimes it jogs your memory, sometimes it doesn’t. Sadly, so much of those interviews have blurred together over the years that I just can’t pick out specific things anymore.”

“You ever think about watching some on YouTube? There’s a lot on there.”

“Never really thought about it,” JC shrugged but now found himself pondering it. He always found it so silly to go back and reminisce like that over his “glory days”. It was more depressing than inspiring but something made him feel like it wasn’t the worst idea now. “Any you’d recommend?”

“Oh gosh, I mean, that Rosie one was big, and The Tonight Show where you talked about needing to save money...”

“Ok, that one I remember because I got in a lot of trouble for saying that,” JC laughed, remembering the huge fight he and Bobbie had had immediately after. JC pulled out his phone and handed it to Alice. “Pull one up you think I’d like.”

“Are you serious?” Alice reluctantly took the phone. For the first time since he sat down, Alice really looked at him. Something was different but she couldn’t quite place it. An ease, a brightness, she didn’t know what really to call it. “How did this morning go with Ivan?” she asked cautiously.

“Surprisingly well, I think,” JC concentrated on making fine lines to create the horse’s mane. “I’ll tell you after the video.”

Alice eyed JC as she found his YouTube app and pulled it up. Something didn’t feel right but she didn’t know how to express that. In the meanwhile as she tried to figure it out, she typed in “Nsync interview” and skimmed through the results. She wanted a short clip, something not too iconic so he wouldn’t feel upset if he couldn’t remember.

After a few moments, Alice placed the phone in front of them as an image of the five band members sitting on a bed filled the screen. “Ok, I kind of remember this,” JC said. “I have no idea why we were all on the bed though. Chris fucks with the camera guy, right?”

“See, you remember stuff,” Alice smiled as she hit play. JC stared as his much younger self stared back at him. He could tell young JC was tired from the way he was talking; they all looked it. They were at their peak at this time and they didn’t even know it. It was bittersweet to know what was coming in hindsight and he wished he could go back and warn them all so they could have handled it better.

“Why am I the one talking through all of this?” JC laughed, trying to remember. Something about Justin in a bad mood dinged his brain and watching Justin’s silent reactions through the short clip, he reasoned that was probably the case. The version of himself on the screen made a joke about hating the other members and JC was positive a behind the scenes fight had definitely occurred even if he couldn’t remember it anymore.

JC laughed as Chris broke the tension, as he always did, by taunting the camera man and leaping off the bed. They all chuckled at his antics, except Justin. What he was sure was some big drama at the time was gone from his memory. Onscreen, Joey leaned into JC as the interviewer spoke to the camera, whispering something in JC’s ear that made him let out a loud short laugh. JC watched and pressed his lips together, realizing the good memories were lost somewhere in the ether with the bad.

Then the customary singing came. He hated being put on the spot, always worried it wouldn’t sound right but never given enough time to even finish the thought before lyrics left his mouth. He felt like a show pony at times and that’s why he wouldn’t sing anymore when people requested it. He understood they were well meaning but he was more than his voice.

The band sang effortlessly and JC had to marvel at how easily they could do it back then. They were doing this daily so of course it was natural, the notes and breaths ingrained in their bodies. While it looked impressive and JC had to admit it was, he could see they were all bored. They’d been performing the same songs for the better part of the year and he recognized the controlled antsiness in them all to do something new. That was probably what the fight had been about.

After a particularly half hearted reprise of “Danke Schoen”, it was over and JC was sure they’d been ushered off to the next event, doubting a one of them had ever gotten to actually sleep in that bed. “Wow, that is so surreal to watch,” JC shook his head, still taking the time warp in.

“Is that good or bad?” Alice questioned.

“It’s…odd. I led this incredible life and there’s so much of it I don’t even remember. It truly feels like a life time ago but I…I think I did it to myself. A lot of bad shit happened after the band broke up and I took it to heart. I pushed those bad memories down deep and it seems I lost a lot of the good ones as well.”

“You just said it yourself, they’re buried JC, not gone. You can find them again if you want to.”

“I do, I just…don’t know if I’m ready yet.”

“You’ll know when you are. Definitely seems like you are getting there,” Alice rubbed his shoulder and handed him back his phone. “So, what the hell happened with Ivan?”

JC chuckled at Alice’s persistence. “I don’t really know how to describe it. I think he exorcised a demon.”

“Well something is definitely different about you.”

“Is it a good thing?” JC peaked up from his intricate painting.

“You seem like, I don’t know, like the JC I always thought I’d meet,” Alice tried to explain.

JC put his brush down at that. “So, the old me?”

“Well, I can’t say that cuz I never actually knew the old you but maybe, I guess? You just have a spring in your step or something today.”

“We did this exercise where he unblocked my voice or something and, maybe I’m high but it actually feels like he did just that. It’s just, easier to talk.”

Alice stared wide eyed at JC. She didn’t know what to make of what he was saying but she couldn’t deny the change in his demeanor. She’d see how he was the next morning if the euphoria had worn off before she passed judgement, however she was happy to see him sitting just a bit taller than she’d witnessed the past few days. “Well, this does make me feel better about meeting with Vivienne after dinner.”

“Do you think there’s actually something to all this?” JC questioned.

“It wouldn’t be this exclusive and expensive retreat if there wasn’t,” Alice stated. “I don’t know what it is but a week being able to put your worries on hold so you can really root into them all while unwinding and getting some much needed rest? That alone does some good. I think it’s how we handle things when we get back to reality that’ll be the difference.”

“I’ve got a lot of things I need to get out and I feel like, for the first time in a long time, I can do that. How does that happen? Why is my perspective changing all of a sudden?”

“Because it’s not sudden, JC. It’s been building inside you for so long and now you are able to express it. You’ve wanted this.”

“Why now though?”

“Maybe you were finally ready. Maybe whatever holistic healing that we don’t understand actually worked. Maybe you’re really a pod person now, I don’t know,” Alice shrugged.

JC turned his head toward Alice, purposely keeping his features blank. He tilted his head just slightly as he addressed her. “No one is supposed to know about that, Alice.”

“That is not even a little bit funny,” she scolded him.

“Don’t be afraid, Alice,” JC sat up rigidly. “Join us.”

“Oh fuck you,” Alice leapt up and backed away, nervous laughter emitting from her lips. 

JC stood up and took one step before Alice screamed and sprinted across the room, the few people inside turning to see the commotion. JC couldn’t keep up the act anymore as he broke down in laughter. “No more late night movies for you,” he shouted to her when he could finally form words.

“Joshua Scott Chasez, you are an absolute jackass,” she crept back cautiously. “You also need to get back into acting.”

“Nah nah nah, my acting days are behind me I think, at least professionally. Good to know my freelance work still holds up,” he tried to reign himself back in. “Sorry, I really didn’t think I’d scare you that much.”

“Irrational fear, I know but I grew up on all those 80s creature features so, yeah, too damn good a job for my liking”. Alice grabbed his abandoned paint brush off the table and booped him on the nose, a streak of brown paint left behind.

JC twitched his nose as his eyes twinkled with mischief. “Oh, is this how you want to do this?” he egged her on.

“You started it!” she protested but held her ground. JC went back to the table and grabbed a tube of soft pink paint. He squeezed a dab onto his finger tip then smeared the paint down Alice’s chin.

“I think you wear it better than I did,” JC quipped.

Alice found a mirror at the back of the room and chuckled. “I can’t even imagine the maintenance that went into that fuzzy caterpillar that lived on your face for months.”

“Well, back then we had hair and makeup people who did all the labor for us so it wasn’t so bad,” JC stated, still amazed there was a time in his life when someone was paid literally to shave his face. “Mine wasn’t pink however.”

“You’ve more than made up for it with all the pink you’ve rocked over the years. It looks good on you.”

“Looks good on you too,” JC smiled as he circled his arms around her waist from behind and rested his chin on her shoulder. 

“Does it look like a I own a fucking thing in pink?” Alice laughed.

“Well you should more,” JC kissed her cheek. 

“You are very touchy feely today,” Alice noted. “You are probably high.”

“Definitely a possibility. I don’t know, I just…in a few days, I won’t be able to physically be with you again for God knows how long so I’m enjoying it while I can.”

“Well, there’s enough of me that you can take some home with you.” JC stuck his tongue out at their reflection and pinched Alice’s side in response. “I think it’s starting to show how much you miss your girlfriend.”

“I do miss Jen but she’s not you.”

Alice turned around in JC’s arms to face him. “What the hell does that mean?”

“It means exactly what it sounds like,” JC loosened his grip. “You aren’t her nor is she you. You’re…you’ve become very special to me, Alice. I want you to know that.”

His eyes were sincere and it almost made Alice uncomfortable. She had a mixture of pride at JC being able to express himself and shock at what he was actually saying. “Everything is intense here, JC. You’ll get home and forget about me soon enough.”

“Never,” JC promised. “I’ve somehow forgotten so many parts of my life but I will never forget you.”

“Uh, well, that’s…” Alice stammered, trying to rationalize that what was playing out in front of her was too close to many of her fantasies about him. “Thank you. That is incredibly sweet.”

“You don’t believe me,” he called her out much the same she had to him on one of their first walks.

“Just need time to process,” she wriggled her way out of a real answer. “You have a horse that still needs painting.”

“Fair enough,” JC let go. “Are you done with your journal?” he asked as they made their way back to the table once more.

“Just about. Then I can torture you with more YouTube clips.”

“I don’t know if I can deal with much more of our old stupidity,” JC joked but handed his phone back nonetheless as he sat down.

“Don’t worry, I know exactly what clip to show you this time,” Alice smirked as she searched and finally clicked on the video she was looking for. 

“Oh my God!” JC howled, “the internet really doesn’t let anything die.” JC was in disbelief as he stared at an even younger version of himself dressed up like a vampire on the Mickey Mouse Club.

“You wanted to pretend to be a scary creature, get forced to watch when you actually were one,” Alice said triumphantly.

“The only thing scary about this is my acting,” he continued to laugh. “I have no idea why I’m doing the absolute worst Rodney Dangerfield impression in this! I do remember getting that makeup off was terrible though.”

“I was so mad you were only in two skits until I realized you were the mummy dancing in Thriller.”

“Holy shit, I was a mummy?!” JC laughed again as he grabbed the phone and fast forwarded the video. There he was, dancing up a storm in the back. “I don’t think I would have realized that was me if you hadn’t told me.”

“You’ve lived an extraordinary life, JC. Stopping running from it and embrace it,” Alice squeezed his hand. JC looked up from the phone and saw Alice smiling at him, a warmth and truth in her eyes he didn’t realize he craved until that moment. He silently vowed to start doing just that.

 

Alice had tried sushi all of twice prior to tonight. Once was a shrimp roll in college at a Japanese steakhouse so the seafood had been cooked. The other was on an odd whim during a regular grocery trip to Publix, wanting to be adventurous and try something new. Her stomach later revolted against that decision and Donny had made sure she paid for it days after as well.

“Try the rainbow roll, it has a little bit of everything,” JC put a piece from the serving dish onto her plate. “Do you know how to use chopsticks?”

“I’m not completely uncultured,” she teased him as she eyeballed the sushi. “This might be too advanced for me though.”

JC grabbed a few more pieces and set them down before her. “Here, now you have a piece with each of the ingredients separate,” he showed her, pointing out which piece was salmon and tuna and so forth. “Try each one and if you like them, then the rainbow roll should be safe.”

“Money really can buy you culture,” she chuckled before eating the California roll JC had put down, figuring that to be the safest bet based on the description.

“Money has nothing to do with it,” JC informed her. “My favorite sushi joint is this hole in the wall place that doesn’t even have a website. You can get a whole omakase for like $80.”

“JC, you do realize $80 for a meal for one person is kinda pricey, right?”

“I mean…” JC bit his lip. “Perhaps I have been living in LA too long. I guess, for an assortment of fresh fish, I think it’s pretty reasonable. Most restaurants start at $200 for the exact same thing.”

“Ok, I get where you are coming from,” Alice shrugged. “I like steak but I’m not eating filet mignon. I guess it’s just about what you consider a fair price to pay.”

“I knew you’d find a way to bring up steak again,” JC smiled.

As dinner drew to a conclusion, Vivienne made her way over to Alice. “I hope you’ve enjoyed the food, my dear. We have a lot to do this evening so when you are ready, please meet me at the entrance to the labyrinth walk.”

“Sure, no problem,” Alice agreed a little apprehensively. Once Vivienne was out of ear shot, she turned towards JC. “Ok, did it or did it not sound like she might sacrifice me?”

“Oh my God, stop it!” JC scolded her but couldn’t contain the laugh. “You gotta quit thinking everything is a conspiracy theory to do something bad to us.”

“Yeah, and weren’t you the one almost drowning yourself for answers just this morning?” she looked pointedly at him. “Seems your view has changed ever since talking to Ivan. Coincidence? I think not.”

A smile crossed JC’s face as he looked at Alice. “Just go and try to be open minded, Alice.”

“I will, I promise,” she smiled warmly back, dropping the pretense and giving him a tight hug before heading off.

Alice thought more and more about JC’s behavior as she walked to meet Vivienne. She wasn’t naïve enough to actually believe there were demons or aliens or something of that supernatural sort at work here. The change in JC was notable, however, and she still didn’t know what to make of it. Something had happened, something that seemed to be good, but that kind of magic transformation didn’t actually happen in real life.

Vivienne appeared in her vision, having changed from dinner. She sported a gorgeous bright yellow robe, even from a distance clearly showing it was made of expensive silk by the way the setting sun reflected off of it. “Namaste,” Vivienne greeted her with a deep bow at the waist.

“Uh, Namaste,” Alice quickly returned the greeting, taking a look at their surroundings. It was calm, too calm.

“I suppose you have some questions as to what we are doing here,” Vivienne addressed her.

“You can say that again,” Alice mumbled under her breath. “Uh, yeah,” she managed to say out loud. She felt on edge, wondering what was about to happen.

“As I mentioned, you have a shadow on your manipura. The fact it’s not darker is a testament to the strength you hold inside of you. This is a critical time, however, so we must take the necessary steps to banish it.”

“Yeah, can you maybe say that again but in English?” Alice raised an eyebrow. 

Vivienne smiled like a mother amused at her child for asking such an inquisitive question. “You feel shame, Alice, and it shows,” she told her gently but bluntly. “You are ashamed of the things in your life that led you here and you need to start seeing them as a gift.”

“A gift?!” Alice scoffed. “If you think years of abuse is a fucking gift, we can end this conversation right now.”

“I am definitely not saying that,” Vivienne stated firmly. “What I want to help you do is take those negative experiences and turn them into something positive.”

“Everyone keeps saying that,” Alice decried, “and, like, I get what they are trying to say but I can’t rationalize the good in killing my husband. He was a bad guy, I know that, I do. I know I was protecting my son and myself; I know the facts. That doesn’t make what I did ok. He deserved to go to jail but not to die. Fuck, I deserved to go to jail, not to be whisked off to a luxury resort as a reward.”

“It’s not a reward for killing him, it’s a well deserved break for surviving everything you’ve endured.”

“Everything I endured I brought upon myself. I let it happen, time and time again. I didn’t stand up for myself and the few times I did, I knew what would happen. Of course I’m ashamed!”

“You’re talking about it now though. That’s why your shadow is receding. You are learning to accept what has happened and learn from it.”

“You wanna talk in this mumbo jumbo, fine. I get it, my “shadow” is my husband and with him gone, I can finally talk about what happened without fear and live the life I always wanted, right? Wrong. Cuz I can’t pack up and restart my life. I can’t avoid the people who look at me and judge me everywhere I go. I don’t ever get to live a normal life now.”

Vivienne eyed Alice. “Perhaps I was wrong. Your manipura is certainly strong.”

“What the hell does manipura mean anyway?”

“Technically it translates to “lustrous gem of the city” but in this case it’s referring to your navel chakra; your core, your center. You ever hear the term “belly fire” when someone is passionate about something? Same concept and you certainly have belly fire. It comes in spurts though, we need to keep it burning steady.”

“So you gotta clean out the flue of my internal furnace is what you’re saying?”

“Yes, that’s what I’m saying,” Vivienne gave a short laugh.

“Ok, but can you answer me one thing first?” Vivienne nodded her agreement. “Why am I here? No, not the “healing and growing opportunity” bullshit. How am I here for free among millionaires paying ten thousand dollars for the privilege?”

Vivienne made a deep sigh, almost as if she were proud of Alice for asking the question. “It takes a lot of money to run this place though maybe not quite as much as I charge. Money is reserved so that people who have had similar experiences to yourself have an opportunity that would not normally be afforded to them.”

“Charity for the battered and broken,” Alice quipped.

“We work with a vast amount of therapists, social workers and health care professionals across the country and anyone they feel will benefit from the experience is given the ability to apply. I personally review each application and select those I think will find the experience most meaningful and transformative.”

“Why me then?”

“Because it was clear you are trying. You didn’t let that man break you. You are so much stronger than you realize and if this experience can help you learn to see that, then I am more than happy to provide it.”

“Just because I found some strength at the end doesn’t make me strong. I’m really sick of people telling me that,” Alice looked down.

“Strength comes in many different ways. You may think enduring the years of abuse was a sign of weakness but I hope you will see them as methods of survival.”

“I should have left, that would have been the real strength,” Alice muttered.

“You know why you didn’t,” Vivienne gently prodded. “You wanted everyone to think you had a great life, just like they had. You opted to suffer in silence to keep up appearances because you so desperately wanted to be like everyone else.”

Alice’s breath caught in her throat and she put her hands over her eyes in a vain attempt to stop her tears but to no avail. Her body shook as she let the weight of it all collapse onto her again, a truth she knew in her heart that she didn’t want to admit. She barely noticed when Vivienne wrapped her arms around her.

“I know, my dear,” Vivienne spoke softly. “Your husband is only a part of that shadow, the rest you put there the moment you first felt less than someone else. We combat shame and help banish our shadow by learning self-acceptance. You’ve been trying to play catch up for far too long and it’s time to learn you are in the perfect place in life for you at this moment. No one’s life is as perfect as it appears to be. Not yours, not mine; no one’s.”

“Your life seems pretty fucking perfect to me,” Alice shot out through her sobs.

“It’s good but it’s not perfect,” Vivienne told her, “and it took a lot of work to get to good. We’ll get you there too, I promise.”

“How?” Alice nearly wailed, using all the strength she had to keep herself on her feet. “I’m over forty with a dead husband, a house in bad shape, no friends, no savings, no prospects for the future…I just, exist. If it wasn’t for Patrick, I wouldn’t even be doing that. I’m just so…tired.”

Vivienne soothed down Alice’s hair and let her weep. “I’m not going to give you the adages about counting your blessings or reminding you there are people far worse off in this life. These are dismissive statements of your pain and your pain is valid. Your feelings are valid and they need to be felt and expressed to be worked through. I know it’s been hard but let’s try to make it a bit better.”

Alice could only nod as she worked to wipe her face with her sleeve, trying to compose herself. “I still don’t understand why you’re doing this. Helping me and all.”

“Let’s just say I know what it’s like to deal with a lot of heartache for the sake of your child and the ideals society has told you are more important than your own safety and happiness,” Vivienne gave Alice a sympathetic smile. Alice wanted to ask exactly what Vivienne meant but it dawned on her that she certainly hadn’t heard mention of a husband at all or of Ivan’s father. While she doubted the same fate had befallen him as did Donny, an understanding was quickly shared between the women.

“Ok, but I’d still like to know how you explain JC?”

“I’m not sure what you mean?”

“You can’t tell me it’s coincidence the celebrity I’ve had a crush on for like three fourths of my life just happened to show up the same week I did? I know money can buy you anything but even I can’t imagine how you pulled that off.”

“I understand you won’t believe me but sometimes the universe does work in your favor,” Vivienne told her. “We didn’t reach out to Mr. Chasez nor had any influence over when he chose to stay with us. I think you’ve seen that while money can buy you access to things, it certainly can’t buy you peace of mind and Mr. Chasez had his own reasons for coming here. As I said, no one’s life is perfect, no matter how much money is in your bank account or how many fans you have.”

“Being paired together though…” Alice asked skeptically.

“I can admit that I did pair the two of you together but I wasn’t aware of your feelings. You mentioned you liked his band’s music and it was evident from his answers he was in need of someone who could help remind him of happier times. Call it luck or kismet but clearly the two of you needed each other on a much deeper level than even I realized.”

“He’s nothing like I imagined and everything I did all at the same time. He’s who I’ve based my ideal man off of for so long and seeing him, being with him, touching him…he’s real and it’s amazing and weird and I just…I’m glad I’m getting to know the man he truly is.”

“Has that changed your perception of him?”

“Yes but not in a bad way. I always…when things were bad, which was a lot, I always imagined JC being there; to talk to and hold me and get me through it. It was always about him taking care of me. Now I see the real person with his own issues. He’s not this knight in shining armor I kept praying to come rescue me but…a friend I can confide in and I don’t want to see suffer. He’s human, I guess is what I’m saying.”

“It’s good for you to see that.”

“Yeah, good reminder my dreams are just that,” Alice frowned.

“Not necessarily,” Vivienne began to explain. “Sure you are fantasizing about a real person but you can only imagine how they would react to different scenarios. All you did was give a physical manifestation to the ideal traits you were looking for in a partner. You saw some of those things in JC and that is why you gravitated to him and you built off of that. Him being attractive certainly helped those feelings along, I’m sure.”

“You noticed that too, huh?” Alice gave a small smile.

“Haven’t lost my eyesight quite yet,” Vivienne smiled back. “You’ve used your image of JC as a coping mechanism for years so I think we should continue to do that for this exercise.”

“Yeah, see, now when you say “used”, it sounds dirty since he’s, you know, real,” Alice confessed.

“While I see your point, you’d be hard pressed to tell me you aren’t going to go home and still imagine this man. Sure, it’ll be tweaked based on what you know now but just because you can now talk to him doesn’t mean you won’t still wish him to be there.”

Alice stared at Vivienne’s satisfied grin and huffed. “God, I’m fucking psychotic.”

“No, you are a person imagining a better life. We all do that in our own ways. There’s no harm if you know it’s just a fantasy but when you start pinning your hopes off of it, that’s when it gets dangerous.”

“I didn’t sit around waiting for JC or anything. I mean, I know he’d never, like, want to date me or anything, even if he was single.”

“I’m going to come back to that thought,” Vivienne held up her finger, “but what I was actually getting at is with Donny.”

“What do you mean with Donny?”

“When the two of you would have a fight, he storms off and you, what? Imagine if it was JC the fight would have never happened?”

“Sometimes,” Alice mumbled an admission.

“And maybe sometimes you imagined it did happen but JC would apologize, maybe bring home some flowers, talk it out with you before taking you to bed and making it up to you? Or maybe he’d show up to comfort you, telling you your husband was a jackass and you deserved better?”

Alice nodded, too embarrassed to give words to the agreement. It would have been awkward before to be called out for her fantasies but now it made her skin crawl with judgement. She had used JC and she didn’t like that realization.

“So I’m going to bet you also hoped Donny would do some of those same things. That once, just once, Donny wouldn’t come home drunk and flop into bed and pass out without a word but he’d just show he cared because it wasn’t hard to imagine that someone could. If he had, you wouldn’t have had to imagine so much but because it felt attainable, you held onto the hope he’d actually do it one day.”

“Why was it so fucking hard for him to just not be a fucking bastard?” Alice shouted as new tears formed. “I didn’t ask for a lot. I didn’t demand vacations or a pool in the backyard or diamonds every Christmas; I just wanted to feel appreciated and he couldn’t even do that. He didn’t want to do that.”

“I know, darling, I know,” Vivienne closed in to hug her again. Something in her voice made Alice understand that Vivienne truly did know this particular kind of heartache and wasn’t just placating her. “We always hope and pray the person we love will come to their senses and we self sacrifice too much of ourselves in waiting for it to happen. We both unfortunately know it rarely does and even then, it’s normally temporary.”

“I just feel like…like I didn’t mean anything to him. I don’t know that he ever loved me but I don’t think he hated me either. I feel like I was more of an annoyance than anything to him. Someone he was stuck with but didn’t want to put up with.”

“You’ll never know how he felt and that’s one of the hardest parts; accepting you’ll never have an answer.” Vivienne turned Alice and positioned her at the start of the path behind them. “Have you ever done a Labyrinth Walk?”

“The only labyrinth I know involves David Bowie.”

Vivienne once again couldn’t hold in her amusement at Alice’s statement as a soft chuckle left her throat. “A Labyrinth Walk is simply a long winding line that you follow slowly as you meditate. Instead of meditation, however, we are going to use it as a journey to self acceptance.”

Alice sighed as she looked at the geometric pattern in front of her. “I have spent so much of my life hating myself; I don’t really see that changing because I walked some magic tightrope.”

“I do not expect you to suddenly have a completely different outlook on life,” Vivienne told her, “but I hope maybe we can shift your way of thinking about it for the better. If you open yourself to the opportunity for change, you will find it easier to do so. That’s all I ask of you as well with this exercise.”

“Ok, let’s try it, I guess,” Alice shrugged and awaited her instructions.

“Excellent,” Vivienne smiled broadly. “I want you to concentrate on the path, placing one foot slowly in front of the other. I’ll be speaking to you from outside and I just want you to let the words move through you, you don’t need to focus on them.”

Alice didn’t really follow that logic but nodded her agreement just the same. She had no expectations of what was about to happen but tried to follow Vivienne’s request to be open to it.

“You may begin,” Vivienne stated. Alice looked down and placed one foot on the line drawn on the ground firmly then slowly placed the other in front in the same fashion. She continued this motion as Vivienne spoke.

“As I stated, the shadow on your manipura is shame. Not just shame for your relationship but the shame you’ve placed on yourself for who you are and that you feel society has labeled you as. Shame keeps us incomplete by telling us we are not enough. It drives our pursuit of better yet makes us believe we are not worthy of achieving it. It leads us to settle for what is given to us and not reach for what we deserve.”

Alice was now understanding what Vivienne meant by letting the words move through her. Every sentence felt like it was tailor made for Alice, like she was the walking embodiment of shame. She found the realization unsettling but certainly not untrue.

“Shame is alive in you, Alice,” Vivienne continued, “and it is obstructing your unlimited potential. It’s the thing that makes you feel like you deserved the treatment you got from Donny even though you’ve done nothing but pine for better most of your relationship. It is also the thing that makes you believe JC would never be interested in you.”

“JC has a girlfriend,” Alice shouted back but not losing her concentration. 

“He does but the bond the two of you have is undeniable,” Vivienne countered. “This exercise is not intended to make you believe he really is that savior you dreamed he would be but to look at the reality of the situation and see that some part of you was right. When you are truly yourself, your inner light shines and attracts the right people.”

“My true self is pretty fucked up, Vivienne,” Alice shouted back.

“While you may believe that to be true, that doesn’t make it any less beautiful.” Alice had to pause at Vivienne’s statement, letting the words affect her more than the previous. She shut her eyes and breathed through her mouth a moment, trying to not let herself cry before carrying on without a word.

Vivienne took this as a good sign as she continued. “The imperfections that you see draw people and opportunities toward you but also push others away. This is actually a good thing because people who seek to diminish that light inside you are not good for your soul. That light is the root of your worthiness and the parts the right people will love the most. Feel that light shine within you as you reach the center of the labyrinth.”

Alice stepped to the end of the line and stood still, trying to find this light that Vivienne spoke of. She even tried to picture her so called belly fire burning in her stomach to start something to no avail. She hated how terrible she was at these visualizations.

“Stop judging yourself,” Vivienne told her. “I know that is much easier said than done but just try, if only for a few moments. In this case, stop giving yourself reasons that JC would not like you and accept that on some level he does or he wouldn’t confide in you the way he has. You are worthy of a man such as him.” Vivienne typically didn’t like to use the validation of others in helping people find their self acceptance but she knew it was a journey to get there and if this was the place to start, so be it.

Alice felt a spark at her navel as she thought of JC. Not the one of her dreams but the real one of this week. He had been nothing short of caring and compassionate towards her, listening to her problems, joking and laughing with her and really connecting on so many levels. She couldn’t deny she had romantic feelings for him and she might have even developed them if she didn’t like him before because he was just so…good and Alice desperately craved something good in her life.

He seemed to like spending time with her and asked her for advice. He reached out his hand to her more and more during their walks. She missed that connection with another person and JC made her feel like it was possible to have again, or even really for the first time.

The flame in Alice’s body began to flicker and grow as she realized Vivienne was right. They did have a connection and JC saw something in her she couldn’t see, just as she did with him. She knew so many other people saw the natural talent in JC he fought so hard to attain in himself so it stood to reason maybe other people were capable of seeing Alice as someone special, someone worthy of love.

Vivienne could see a quiet confidence growing in Alice as her posture shifted. “Acceptance is about identifying all the things we judge ourselves harshly for, learning to celebrate them and welcoming them back in. Think of one thing Donny did not like that JC has praised you for.”

“That I speak my mind,” Alice didn’t even have to think about it. “I learned to quiet my voice and myself so I didn’t incur Donny’s wrath. JC finds it funny and refreshing to hear me express myself.”

“Think of that the next time you think you shouldn’t express your feelings. Know that this man you’ve had feelings for accepts the raw and true you. If he accepts it, anyone who doesn’t isn’t worthy of your time and energy. Eventually you will find that giving to those who love and support all of you will help you learn to love yourself that much greater and know your worth.”

The warmth in Alice’s stomach spread through her body, a hope and joy that there was a space in this world where she could just be herself and have that be ok. Where she wasn’t too much but just enough. Where she fit in.

“The more you accept yourself, the more worthy you become,” Vivienne told her and asked her to begin her walk back through the labyrinth. “You cannot create anything in your life that you do not believe you are worthy of. Learning this discipline is hard but necessary for a fulfilling life. You can not change everything overnight but we are successfully starting you on the path to self love and acceptance.”

It did sound nice, Alice thought to herself as she made her way slowly back. The concept that she was truly worthy of anything still felt like fiction but she couldn’t deny she always felt like she deserved better than Donny, no matter how many times she told herself she didn’t. Hadn’t JC just said how special she was to him only a few hours ago? Of all the men in the world, he was the one that found her special. It was very hard to accept and not pick apart but it was the truth and Alice let that knowledge motivate her to the end of the labyrinth.

“How are you feeling?” Vivienne asked as Alice completed the walk.

“Good,” she breathed and meant it. “I…it’s weird. I don’t feel different or anything but maybe a bit more optimistic?”

“That is definitely a good sign,” Vivienne smiled and clasped Alice’s hands. “Understanding your worth doesn’t always mean getting what you want but it does mean knowing you shouldn’t settle for something less than you deserve.”

“Those sound like the same thing though.”

“They aren’t,” Vivienne smiled knowingly, “and it will take time to know the difference but you will and I promise you, I promise you Alice, your life will change infinitely for the better when you do.”

“But how will I know that?” Alice questioned in confusion.

“Keep working on acknowledging your worth in yourself and one day it will dawn on you,” Vivienne patted her hands. “That’s enough for tonight. This will all take time and you’ll need the rest for tomorrow.”

“Dare I even ask what tomorrow entails.”

“Tomorrow will prepare you for what happens when you leave in a few days. We will ensure you have the tools to continue your work at home and help you in your journey always.”

“Perfectly vague as usual,” Alice laughed as she walked arm in arm with Vivienne back to the main campus.

 

Alice felt her smile through her whole body as she made her way back to her room. She felt…better and was understanding the natural high JC was currently on as well. She knew the feeling wouldn’t last forever and she wanted to enjoy it, with him. She’d spent so much of the week wondering why she was getting to be with him and only fleeting moments taking the experience in. Tonight, all she wanted was to sit and talk and laugh and cuddle and be present.

She skipped her own room and went straight for JC’s, knocking rapidly at the door, her excitement to see him beginning to overflow. It didn’t matter that she’d just seen him less than two hours prior or that she would in the morning, she wanted to enjoy every precious second while she could.

Another knock came in succession when he didn’t answer, assuming he was probably in the bathroom. If he’d gone out, he’d be back soon enough, Alice reasoned. Maybe he was out on the patio again with his guitar.

She went to head to her room when she heard something behind JC’s closed door. Alice put her head to the wood and could hear a muffled voice, presumably JC’s. Realizing he was most likely on the phone, she eased off and moved to her door once again to wait until he was done.

That was until she heard a crash and the sound of JC’s voice rise in volume. She knocked again more urgently. “JC, is everything ok? JC?” She waited a moment, hoping he would open the door any second. Instead, she heard a loud thump.

Panicked, Alice managed to get her door open and sprinted through and out onto her patio. She could hear JC yelling as she climbed the partition between their areas and landed on his porch. The privacy curtain was half open and she could see JC pacing frantically inside.

The sliding door was cracked open so she made her way in quickly and observed the scene. One of the side table lamps lay shattered on the ground, the concierge phone dangling off the hook and beeping. A tea kettle was apparently thrown against the wall as Alice could see the water dripping down and running on the carpet. The bench that normally occupied the space at the end of bed was in tact but on its side and near her feet by the back door.

JC hadn’t even noticed her as he spoke feverishly into his phone. “How the fuck could this have happened, Eric?! I can’t…I can’t…I don’t…”

Alice could spot a panic attack a mile away thanks to Patrick’s unfortunate proclivity to them since Donny’s death. She knew whatever was happening, she had to be the calm one.

“JC, JC, look at me,” she said loudly to get his attention but didn’t move closer to him. The last thing she wanted was to spook him anymore.

JC turned toward her, his chest heaving like he couldn’t catch his breath. His eyes were red and unfocused as sweat ran down his temples. He’d somehow ripped a hole in his shirt and Alice could see his frame tremble underneath.

“It’s ok, JC. Whatever it is, it’s ok and I’m gonna stay with you to help you with it.”

Like he was jumping for a life raft, JC dropped the phone on the carpet and threw himself at Alice, clutching her so tightly she could feel how shallow his breathing was. The relief of having her there made his knees give way as he fell to the carpet. He wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her body tightly towards him as he buried his face in her stomach and wept. 

“How did they…they couldn’t…has to be a mistake,” JC got out between breaths.

“Honey, I don’t know what happened but I’m here to help you. Tell me what you need.”

“Can’t help…can’t help…” JC panted.

“JC, Jesus Christ, talk to me!” Alice heard the person on the phone shout. She awkwardly pivoted her body around and reached down to grab the phone.

“Who is this?” she asked.

“This is Eric, his manager. Who the hell is this?!” Eric asked in frustration.

“Just a friend. Alice,” she replied. “What happened? Is Jen ok?”

“Yes, she’s fine. No one’s dead just…tell him I’ll handle it. Christ Almighty!” Eric exclaimed and hung up the phone.

Not having much information to go off of, Alice put the phone in her back pocket and ran her fingers through JC’s hair, trying to soothe him. “Couldn’t, couldn’t, just…it was so long, only I have it, it doesn’t make sense. Must be wrong, gotta be wrong…” he muttered to himself.

“JC, honey, I need you to breathe, ok?” Alice tried to reason with him. “I just want to help you calm down so we can tackle whatever is happening clearly.” JC’s body shook and Alice ran through all the key things she would do when Patrick had an episode, trying to think of the best way to help JC.

An idea sparked in Alice’s brain and she realized this would either work or set off JC even worse but she was willing to take the risk. She tried to slowly remove JC’s hands but he clung to her tighter, his tears making her shirt damp.

“JC, I need you to get up,” she told him. When he didn’t move, she bent slightly and tugged at his arms. Reluctantly he stood, looking down and refusing to meet her eyes as he continued his sobs, his body shaking and wracked. Not twenty minutes earlier, his life has seemed like it was finally going in the right direction and now…

Alice looked around the room and found JC’s notebook discarded in a corner on the floor. She raced over and tore out a blank page and ripped it into a few small squares. She went back to JC and pulled him to face the opposite wall as she put up one of the squares against it. “Breathe JC. You know how to do this. Keep the paper steady.”

JC instead stopped breathing completely as he snapped his head up and stared wide eyed at Alice, his red face showing his utter shock plainly. “How…?”

“I saw a video of you doing this talking about breath control and it works for Patrick so just…don’t think too much about it and just do it,” Alice told him, embarrassed and starting to let her calmness slip. Everything that was happening was a side of JC she hadn’t seen nor ever imagined. This was real and it was throwing her for a loop.

JC continued to stare, trying to process how in the hell Alice would know this very particular trick, even though she’d just explained. It was too specific and he couldn’t understand if he was dealing with a stalker or an angel at the moment.

Alice turned his face to the wall again. “Blow,” she told him and let go of the paper. JC let out a breath but the paper began to flutter to the floor. Alice quickly grabbed it and put it back in the same spot. “Again. Slower,” she instructed him.

Minutes ticked by like hours as Alice gently rubbed JC’s back and worked to calm his breathing. JC’s mind was reeling, not only from his call with Eric but at what he was even doing. His body knew instantly what to do but his mind couldn’t help thinking of the real angel up in heaven who had even taught him this breathing exercise. It was control to sustain him when singing but would she be proud of how he was using it in this moment or sad to see him in such a state?

JC’s body gave way again and Alice was quick to grab him and hold him up. She let him cry a few moments before starting the exercise over again. Alice tried to imagine what had caused such a reaction from JC given that Eric seemed to confirm no one was injured. Whatever it was was important to JC however so that’s all that mattered.

Once Alice felt JC was finally calm enough and the paper was staying floating in place, she carefully made her way to the bathroom and grabbed him a glass of water. She came back and eased it into his hand as she caressed his back again. “JC, drink some water, slowly,” she told him. JC blinked and let the paper fall to the ground as he noticed the glass in his hand and did as she instructed him.

When he had finished the contents, Alice guided him to sit on the edge of the bed while she refilled the glass. He drank quicker this time, his throat raw from screaming and crying and still not fully recovered from his session with Ivan. “Thank you,” he croaked out.

“What can I do?” Alice asked as she took the glass from him.

“I don’t know,” he shook his head. “I don’t…I don’t understand what’s even happening.”

“Do you want some time to process? I can go…”

“No!” JC quickly grabbed her hand, pleading as much with his eyes as his words. “Please, stay.”

“Ok,” she told him, “I’m not going anywhere.”

The two sat in silence for some time, Alice not wanting to push and JC not even knowing how to explain. “Can I have my phone?” he finally asked. Alice reluctantly handed it over, not wanting to deny him but not sure this was the best idea either.

Alice watched as JC began taping and typing, not wanting to spy but also not wanting him to look at something that would set him off again. With a deep sigh, JC found what he’d been searching for, confirming his fears and Eric’s statements to be the truth. He flopped back on the mattress and stared up at the ceiling, unsure what to do.

The silence loomed large yet again as JC ran a million different scenarios through his mind and Alice waited as patiently as possible. Without a word, JC lifted up his hand and put his phone in Alice’s lap, still staring off into space. Alice tentatively picked it up and steeled herself for whatever she was about to see.

“The Story of Kate” album by NSYNCs JC Chasez leaks in full!

 

 

Alice looked at the website and at first just blew it off as the tabloid trash it was until she started reading the actual post. She didn’t dare click on the url to download but the hyperlink to YouTube seemed safe enough. She clicked and gasped as a familiar channel loaded on JC’s phone. “Oh fuck,” she breathed.

“Fuck indeed,” JC responded, not turning his head.

Scrolling through the most recent uploads, Alice was shocked to find songs she’d only ever heard about in passing. The singles from his album were there too but they’d been out for nearly fifteen years at this point. These other tracks Alice figured she’d never hear and by the distress emanating from JC’s body, she safely assumed she wasn’t supposed to. “How?” she looked at him.

“I have no idea,” JC continued to stare. “I’m supposed to have the only copy.”

“Did you get hacked?”

“No. I have the masters. The hard copies. They were digital at one point though so…I don’t know.”

“JC, this doesn’t make sense. It’s been so long. Why now?”

“I don’t know, Alice,” he breathed deeply and put his hands over his face. “I know some stuff got out before the label released me. I know a couple demos have leaked over the years. I don’t like it but I’ve learned that’s how the business can be sometimes. This though…I feel…I feel violated.”

Alice didn’t even know how to respond to that. She went back to the original post and scrolled down to find a cover and track listing. There was a link to a website that provided credits for the first three songs, which happened to be the singles, but scant details for the new tracks. Images on that site showed photographs Alice was familiar with and rumored to be the photoshoot for the album. There were liner notes as well, making the whole thing look legitimate on the surface.

“Either someone got ahold of more than just your songs or they went through a scary amount of effort,” Alice remarked.

“I don’t know yet. Eric’s still looking into it.”

“Not to be a dick but couldn’t this have waited until you got home? You’re here to work on stuff, not be given another thing to worry about.”

JC darted his eyes in Alice’s direction but they mellowed as he could see the concern plainly on her face. “Maybe but Eric is just doing his job…and being a good friend. He’s FedExing over some paperwork for me to sign in the morning to get it taken down for copyright infringement so the sooner the better. Part of my deal with the artist’s I sold some of these songs to was that I didn’t release my original version. Technically I could get sued because whoever did this put it under my name.”

“Kate’s not even on here,” Alice remarked, to which JC gave her a questioning look. “You wrote that song “If U C Kate” that you sold to McFly and I know their version. It’s not on the track listing.”

JC grabbed his phone back. “Thank God for small miracles, I suppose,” he said and finally read through the tracks. “This definitely isn’t the order or even some of the right tracks; a couple of these aren’t even the right title. Jesus Christ…” he ran a hand through his hair. “What if these aren’t even the finished product?”

“Isn’t that a good thing then?”

“Depends on how many places it’s been posted and shared. According to Eric, whoever did this, they knew what they were doing and it’s all very…calculated. They didn’t just get this and post it, they had a plan.”

“God, JC…” Alice breathed. She would be the first to say she didn’t know a lick of how the music business worked but putting his songs out without his knowledge seemed especially heinous. She knew the stories of how his own record label had done it to him with his first album and could only imagine this was ripping open that wound.

“Alice…do you…know anything about this?” JC asked wearily.

“Wha…what?!” Alice asked, stunned.

“No, shit, I don’t mean…” JC sat up quickly, realizing he’d framed his question badly. “You’re a fan. Have you maybe heard anything about this or…maybe know who might have done it?”

Alice let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. “No, I, uh, don’t really keep up on the gossip. Just appearances and the occasional fan fic.”

“Fan fic?” JC raised an eyebrow.

“Now is not the time,” Alice held her hand up then prepared herself for her confession. “I do know this channel though. Came up maybe a little less than a year ago. Just kind of collected all your songs that were spread out across the internet into one place. Nothing was new, you know?”

“So there was a plan,” JC's eyes turned a few shades darker as his anger began to rise again.

“I have no idea. Like I said, I just used it to listen to your rarer stuff.”

“You mean my unreleased stuff.”

“Not all of it. Until Yesterday was released but it’s not on streaming. Or the one you did for Opening Night. I didn’t…I didn’t see anything wrong with it.”

“I get you, it’s just,” JC let out a large sigh. “It’s my music. If it’s unreleased, there’s a reason. That album…my whole solo career…it’s still a bitter pill to swallow and maybe it shouldn’t be after all these years but it’s hard for me to look fondly back at it all.”

“It’s hard for fans too, you know. Not in the same way obviously but…people know how hard you worked, how insanely talented you are. You deserved a better shot.

“I know that, I do but it is what it is. I’ve come to terms with it. Everyone else should too.”

Alice let the statement hang for a moment. “Have you though?” she asked gently.

JC stared at her, his blue eyes intense and reading a little cold but resolute. “The whole experience is very bittersweet but I learned the hard way I don’t like being the solo guy. I told you before, I like collaborating. I like working with a partner or in a group. I feel like people don’t believe me when I say that, like I’m traumatized and scarred by what happened to me.”

“You never really talk about it though.”

“That’s cuz it's a hard thing to talk about,” JC lamented, “and, what am I supposed to do? Give some in depth interview about a failed career from years ago? It’s in the past and this…this is dredging it all back up again.”

“When you did the interview with Lance, he even said you’ve never talked about it with him. Have you at least talked about it with someone?”

“Justin. I had a lot of talks with Justin when it was all happening,” JC’s eyes grew distance as he began to remember all the late night conversations and numbing intoxicants consumed as his career unraveled.

“Do you think he could help? Maybe just to talk to but maybe have some advice on what to do. He’s sadly gotta have similar experience in the arena.”

“Maybe,” JC stated though not making a move to do so. Alice was right and Justin probably was the best bet but he wasn’t in the mood to strategize just yet. One thing this retreat was teaching him was he needed to sit with his feelings but not wallow in them. “Can I ask you something?” he refocused on Alice.

“Of course.”

“What would you have done? I mean, if you were just at home and these tracks had popped up. If we hadn’t met and I was only this musician you liked.”

“Oh, JC, I don’t know,” she tried to wave him off.

“Alice, please, be honest with me,” he turned his whole body towards her. “You’re a fan and I just…I need to hear how a normal fan would have reacted.”

He looked like he was about to cry again and it broke Alice’s heart to see him this vulnerable. She took back the phone and pulled back up the YouTube channel. “I probably would have listened, JC,” she heavily admitted then leaned down next to him so he could see the screen. “See, these first two were posted separately. The first one wouldn’t have set off any alarms and I’d…I probably would have been excited to finally hear these tracks. Once they posted the whole album though, I would have known something was up. An entire album doesn’t just magically leak.”

JC nodded, processing what Alice was saying. He’d asked for honesty and he got it, even if he didn’t like the answer. He hated feeling so helpless but knew there was nothing he could do that Eric wasn’t already doing. All he could do was sit and worry. “I just don’t get it, Alice. Why would somebody do this?”

“I don’t know,” she shook her head, wishing there was something more she could say or do. 

“I put so much of my soul in it and I didn’t…I didn’t get it all back. This is just a reminder of how much I lost, mentally and financially,” JC laid his head in Alice’s lap.

“I don’t think average people realize how much goes into making an album. I sure as hell don’t.”

“I lost a lot of money doing that album. The label was giving me the opportunity but not the resources. Justin helped more than he likes to take credit; he had the better connections. It all cost money though. The studio time, the engineers, the travel, hell, I had to feed everyone out of my own pocket. Now someone leaks it and I won’t even see a dime.”

“And it’s not about the money,” JC quickly stood up and started pacing the room as he continued. “It’s the effort, the time, the sweat, all the days in the studio that went into making those songs…it was all for nothing. Those songs are so personal to me and I wanted fans to hear it all together, the way I wanted it arranged. Not…not like this.”

Alice leapt up to her feet and sprinted over to JC, pulling him into a tight hug as he let flow a new set of tears. She couldn’t imagine the feeling of having your work taken from you without permission. She was also struggling with the notion she would have been complicit in hearing something she wasn’t meant to, even though she knew she wouldn’t have known any better.

“Why am I even attempting to write a musical if this is what’s going to happen?” JC cried into her shoulder.

“Because you’re passionate about it, JC,” Alice told him. “This is old material. I don’t know how it happened but if Eric confirmed you didn’t get hacked, then someone got these tracks before you took sole possession of them.”

“That doesn’t make any sense. Why sit on them for so long?”

“I don’t have an answer to that but maybe Eric will find one,” Alice tried to be optimistic. “What I do know is that it’s not like you stopped writing since then. You’ve probably got hundreds of songs the world will never hear and while I consider that an absolute travesty, they are yours to do with as you please.”

“The world doesn’t want to hear them.”

“I do,” Alice told him earnestly, causing JC to look up at her. “I’m certainly not the world but I would listen to you sing your grocery order. Only if you wanted me to, that is.”

A smile slowly emerged from the tears in JC’s face as he pulled Alice tight into his chest. “I’m very lucky to have you; as a fan and now as a friend.”

“I’m nothing special, JC,” Alice protested. “I’m sure loads of people feel the same way. It’s a weird thing, when you cross from being a fan of someone’s talent to being a fan of the person themselves. People just want you to be happy, JC, no matter what that looks like. If never releasing another song is what makes you happy, then I fully support you, though I’d be remiss if I didn’t state that the world will be worse without it.”

JC gave a small laugh. “No more solo work. It’s not gonna happen. I know it’s not an answer people like but it’s the hard truth.”

“You do what’s best for you, honey,” Alice rubbed his back.

“What’s best for me is a long hot shower,” JC said, gently pulling away. He stood back and finally surveyed the state of the room. “Oh shit, I really…fuck.”

Alice took a renewed look as well. “Go get a shower, I’ll take care of this.”

“No no, you shouldn’t have to clean up after my mess.”

“It’s ok, I’m used to it,” Alice shrugged nonchalantly before moving to pick up the broken lamp. JC deflated onto the edge of the bed at Alice’s statement, burying his face into his hands yet again. It took a moment before Alice noticed then made her way back to JC’s side. “What? What‘s wrong?”

“This isn’t normal, Alice,” JC gestured at the chaos of the room.

“Oh please, this is nothing to me,” she tried to brush off and get back to work but JC put his hands on her forearms to keep her still.

“No, Alice. This…this isn’t ok. More importantly, it’s not ok that you think it is,” JC told her pointedly.

“I know that,” she said quietly, forcing herself to yet again be the calm one in the situation. This time, however, she allowed herself to talk about how she was feeling. “I’ve been guilty of breaking a thing or two in my day. Like this though, you know, not around or at people. Anger comes out in a lot of forms and this…isn’t great but I know first hand it could be worse.”

“I never wanted you to see this side of me,” JC dropped his shoulders in defeat. “I haven’t had this kind of reaction for so long but when it comes to my music…”

“JC, you came here feeling numb to the world and now you’re throwing furniture. Perhaps a bit extreme of a reaction but you didn’t just shrug it off and say “whatever” and not care. That unblocked voice is coming out like the lion that it is.”

“Meerkat no more,” JC grinned then kissed Alice’s forehead. “I need to go cool off. Don’t clean up, I’ll do it when I get out but if you could, um, stay, that would be really great.”

“How about I order us a late night snack?” Alice asked him.

“That would be wonderful,” JC smiled at her. He took a moment, staring at the woman who only a few short days ago had been a stranger that now occupied so much space in his heart. He didn’t understand how she just got him and didn’t want to spend too much time dissecting it either. Besides, now there were more pressing issues to deal with. “Thank you,” he said before grabbing a change of clothes and heading to the bathroom.

Alice retrieved the dangling phone that had long since given up on beeping and dialed Jordyn at the front desk, asking for the aforementioned snack and a new side table lamp. Not listening to JC, Alice then busied herself cleaning up the room, knowing this was the only real thing she could do to help him in this moment.

Someone from the maintenance crew arrived with the lamp and helped her clean up the room fresh as new, quickly washing the wall of the tea stains and vacuuming the carpet. Fresh sheets were even provided for the bed and in no time, the room didn’t even look like any damage had been done. Alice gave a long sigh as she looked around and internally made the same observation, wishing it was just that easy to clean up her own life as it had been the room. Her thigh began it’s dull ache and reminded her that was wishful thinking.

JC was in the shower and oblivious to what was occurring outside. His mind was still reeling from the events of the evening and he was feeling helpless to do anything. Eric wanted to handle this quietly until he knew what they were dealing with so a call to the lawyers or a statement on social media seemed out of the question. He didn’t want fans to think he was ok with this either, however.

He lived a quiet life now, kept his business private and low key. He still worked, maybe not as much as he’d like as of late, but his creativity, his art, was still in him even if it now got put into different artists or even just in a notebook, never to be seen again. That creative output was so important to him and being on this retreat made that all the clearer. So why would someone invade that privacy and that space? He felt used, like a commodity instead of a person, one of the many reasons he’d stepped away from the spotlight in the first place.

JC wasn’t any closer to figuring out what to do at the end of his shower than he was at the beginning. With a heavy sigh, he shut off the water and toweled off, getting changed and heading back into the room.

There he was greeted with Alice sitting in the same position but in pajamas, a large tray of assorted fruits and dipping sauces next to her. JC could smell the fresh tea sitting in a new pot atop the dresser and shook his head with a smile. “I told you not to clean up.”

“I had help, don’t worry,” Alice reassured him as she pointed his phone in her direction. “Cool if I pick the movie this time?”

“No horror movies,” JC pointed out as he grabbed the phone from her and queued up the streaming service.

Eric called in the middle of them watching Anchorman but Alice convinced JC to let it go to voicemail. It was already past 10pm and they both knew there was nothing that could be done at this hour anyway. Whatever news Eric had would probably upset JC more, Alice reasoned, so it could wait until morning.

Full of chocolate covered everything, Alice and JC were finally relaxed as the movie ended. “Feeling better?” Alice asked as she ran a finger through JC’s hair as he lay curled up on her side.

“Better is a bit optimistic of a term but I’ll give you calmer.”

“That’s all I can ask for,” she kissed the top of his head before climbing out from under the covers they’d somehow managed to get into. “You’ve had an intense day. Time for you to get some sleep, it’s late.”

“Right, yeah…” JC frowned, his hand absently running over the sheet that Alice had just vacated. “It’s just, I was thinking, maybe you could…stay.”

“Stay? Like stay the night?” Alice quickly felt her heartbeat in her throat.

“I mean, only if you’re ok with it. Just as friends, obviously.”

“Right, obviously,” Alice swallowed hard. She eyed the bed and while every ounce of her wanted to run, she carefully climbed back in. She was making a bigger deal of this than it was, she told herself. That didn’t stop her body from tensing as JC cuddled back into his previous spot and sighed contentedly. It was obvious to Alice JC was just in need of some comfort and let herself slowly relax as she rubbed his back.

“Thank you,” JC said just above a whisper, his arm draping over her stomach.

“Sure, no problem,” she choked out, looking down at him and the way he clung to her. It was different than any scenario she’d ever imagined but it didn’t make it any less exciting that it was happening.

“Dude, I’m a dick!” JC suddenly looked up. “I never asked how everything went with Vivienne.”

“Oh yeah,” Alice chuckled, feeling like that experience was now weeks instead of hours ago. “It was…it was good. She certainly knows what she’s doing. Lots of crying was had.”

“Did you puke?”

“Thankfully not.”

A small pause hung in the air. “It’s been a long day today,” JC thought out loud.

“That’s probably an understatement and precisely why we both need to get to bed.”

“I’m oddly not tired. My body is but the hamster in my brain is burning the midnight oil.”

“I’ve certainly been there,” Alice teased. “What do you want, a bedtime story? A warm glass of milk? A lullaby?”

“You know, I haven’t heard you sing yet,” JC grinned.

“There’s a reason for that,” Alice shot back. “Bedtime story it is.”

“You gonna read me one of those fan fics you spoke about earlier?”

“Absolutely not!” Alice moved back, making JC giggle. 

“Come on, indulge me.”

“You got a phone. You wanna look, that’s on you,” Alice informed him. JC smiled and pulled out his phone, starting to google. “Oh for God’s sake, this is a bad choice,” Alice started to laugh.

“What’s a Wattpad?” JC asked.

“Give me the phone,” Alice yanked it out of his hand as JC continued to laugh. “If you insist on doing this, at least let me find you one that isn’t directly about you.”

“You mean, you’ve read stories about the other guys?” JC said in mock disbelief. “I can’t believe you’d cheat on me like this.”

“Do you want more psychological damage or not?” Alice gave him a stern look.

“Well, when you put it that way…” JC chuckled. “Uhhhh, how smutty are we getting here?”

“You asked for this so…” Alice raised her eyebrows then laughed. “I’ll go easy on you. Something fairly banal.” JC smiled and nestled back into Alice. “This is absolutely insane, you know this, right?”

“Seems to be how the week is going. Might as well keep up the momentum,” JC reasoned.

Alice shook her head and against all of her better judgement, began to read. “”Claudia, give it up. You are not going to hook up with JC Chasez,” Gabrielle told her friend.”

“Wait wait wait,” JC looked up. “I thought you said no to the smutty.”

“Technically I said I’d go easy on you. The smutty won’t happen before you fall asleep, with any luck,” Alice smirked. JC laid his head back down as Alice continued. “The girls and their friend Theresa had somehow miraculously acquired backstage passes for the *NSYNC show that night.”

“No backstory, no explanation, just going right in, huh?” JC chuckled.

“No one cares about the fictional girls, we just want to get to the parts about you guys,” Alice explained, completely amused by this entire conversation. “May I continue?”

“Please,” JC laughed.

“”I can control myself,” Claudia said as they arrived at the dressing room door. She gave a knock and the door opened to reveal Joey Fatone on the other side.”

“Are you sure the smutty part doesn’t happen until later?” JC questioned. “Starting with Joey does not bode well for this remaining PG for long.”

“It’s fiction, not real life,” Alice teased as she continued. “”Hi, I’m Gabrielle and these are my friends Claudia and Theresa,” Gabrielle introduced them as the boys introduced themselves back.”

“At least we’re polite,” JC interjected again.

“Claudia was doing good until she got to JC. She looked straight into his bright blue eyes and let a little “ohmygod” escape her lips.”

“Oh for God sakes,” the real JC laughed. “They’re eyeballs. They are the same as everyone else’s.”

“Hate to remind you but one look into your eyes and I had to run the hundred meter dash to escape them,” Alice joked.

“Pretty sure that wasn’t just about my eyes,” JC laughed then stared up at Alice, looking directly into her eyes in return. “See, you’re fine,” he said after a few moments.

“Yeah, storytime is over,” Alice tried to laugh off as she wriggled out of JC’s embrace to plug in the phone and kill the lights. She wasn’t sure if he was simply joking around or testing her but considering he was still making his way through the immediate aftermath of his album leak, getting turned on by him seemed like an exceptionally bad decision. Doubly so if they were going to spend the night in the same bed.

JC pouted outwardly but from the way he felt Alice’s heart speed up, he knew he was butting up right to the line. He was actually a little proud of her for knowing the boundaries better than he did and for keeping him in check. He was lonely and hurt and while he was immensely grateful that Alice agreed to stay the night, he would be lying if he didn’t wish it was Jen. Knowing how Alice felt, he had to do a better job of not accidentally leading her on. They were just friends and only friends, he reminded himself as he tucked into the covers, no matter how much he thought about crossing that line as of late.

“Thank you for staying,” JC whispered as he felt Alice settle in next to him.

“Not a problem,” she said, her back toward him. She could handle staying the night but seeing him laying there, his prone body restful and exactly where she’d always hoped he would be…she didn’t trust herself. The flame that was JC Chasez was getting harder and harder to resist touching and in this case, she meant that literally.

Alice’s eyes popped open as she felt JC’s hand land on her hip. It was loose, probably just where he was used to placing it, but Alice’s whole body began to tingle. She had no idea how she was expected to sleep when she finally had her dream man in bed with her yet she couldn’t make any moves to complete the fantasy. All she could do was lie there and think about it as JC’s breath grew heavier behind her and his palm laid heavier on her body. It was a feeling she never wanted to forget.

 

 

Day 6

The chimes of JC’s alarm went off far too early for Alice’s liking. She hadn’t slept well, her body too tense to even move as JC gently snored away next to her. She was glad he was able to rest and didn’t want to do anything to disturb him, which put her on edge the whole night.

Before Alice could figure out how to turn off the alarm, JC’s arm came barreling over her to reach his phone. Eyes still closed, he grabbed it and expertly canceled the alarm before dropping it back on the table. It was clear he had done this move many times before.

Alice started to stretch to get up but JC’s arm squeezed her body as he scooted closer to her. He let out a contented sigh as he placed a few gentle kisses on her neck, his leg crossing over her own to keep her close. His semi hard cock pressed into her thigh.

“Fuck fuck fuck!” Alice’s brain screamed silently. She wanted to enjoy it; she’d dreamed of it more often than she would ever admit, but she knew his sleepy mind thought someone else was in the bed. “JC, wake up,” she coaxed him gently.

“I missed you,” he murmured, his lips moving to Alice’s shoulder.

Alice was oh so tempted to let him keep pretending, wanting to give him just a few more moments of happiness before the reality of his current situation enveloped him again. His hand found the hemp of her pajama top, skirting under and up her stomach to her breast.

“JC!” she said with more force, her hand grabbing his wrist. “Honey, I’m sorry but…you have to wake up.”

JC lifted his heavy eyelids reluctantly, his smile turning to confusion as he remembered he wasn’t home. “Oh shit, Alice,” he moved back, rubbing his eyes and feeling like he had a hangover without the headache. “Sorry, I…I guess I thought…”

“It’s ok, I stopped you before I would have had to file any charges,” she tried to joke as she slipped out of the bed and headed to the bathroom.

JC tried to get his head straight, starting to remember why Alice was there and all that had transpired the previous night. Thinking further back to everything that had even happened during the day was already starting to feel overwhelming and JC opted to let his body and mind heal a bit more as he gave into sleep once again.

After a few long and deep breaths to compose herself, Alice headed back in to find JC turned away from her side and sleeping soundly once again. She sat on the bench at the end of the bed and watched him for a moment. Strands of grey hair fell over his face and his t shirt had ridden up to show the tiniest sliver of skin of his back before the duvet covered the rest of him. Alice still was in awe that JC was everything she imagined yet nothing how she pictured.

“JC, sweetie, time to get up,” she found his covered foot and shook it slightly. JC responded with a grunt and pulled his leg up and out of reach. Alice skewed her mouth, debating. It had been a long day yesterday and frankly they both could use the rest but she didn’t want JC to get back into bad habits of wallowing around.

Alice climbed back into bed and rubbed JC’s back lightly, thinking, admiring, wishing.

JC was somewhere between awake and asleep when he heard a hitch in Alice’s breathing. He rolled over to face her and caught sight of her wiping away a tear as he opened his eyes. “What’s wrong?” he asked softly, his hand running over her forearm.

“Nothing, just…processing. Lots of feelings,” Alice told him. He made a scrutinizing face at her and she gave a small chuckle. “It’s too early for this kind of discussion.”

“Never too early for you,” he reassured her.

“I’ll remember that statement when I call you at 7am my time,” she joked. 

“You’re stalling,” JC said pointedly.

“JC, I’m fine, it’s fine,” she tried once again to brush it off. “I’m just…in my head about some stuff.”

“Then get it out of your head.”

“The irony of you giving this advice is not lost on me.”

“Noted,” JC gave a lazy grin. “Come on, snuggle back in and talk to me.”

“That’s just it…” Alice’s voice trailed off as she looked away.

“Oh,” JC let go of her arm. “I guess I got a little too comfortable this morning.”

“No, you were…I mean, well, yeah, it was…” Alice stammered and then huffed. “It’s complicated but you didn’t do anything wrong, I’m just, trying to deal with some mixed emotions is all.”

“About me?”

“Uh, yeah, kinda,” Alice was actually a bit surprised by his bluntness.

“Alice, I’m sorry if I’ve crossed a line…”

“No, JC, you…” Alice let out a long sigh, too tired to keep running in circles, knowing JC wasn’t going to let it go. “Donny wasn’t a very affectionate guy; yet another early red flag I chose to ignore,” Alice rolled her eyes. “We didn’t really cuddle or hold hands or anything like that. So, the way you are with me…it’s everything I ever wanted. It feels good.”

“And that’s a bad thing?”

“It feels too good,” Alice confessed. “I’m scared to let myself fully enjoy it.”

“Why?” JC genuinely asked.

“Because…I go home in two days to an empty bed.”

“And I go back home to Jen.”

“Exactly, except not…” Alice tried to think of what she wanted to divulge but realized she was too far in at this point to tell anything but the truth. “It would be crazy enough if I had this instant of a connection with anyone but it being you…I keep reminding myself how truly weird and special that is.”

“Last night didn’t remind you I’m not this magical pop star but a deeply flawed guy?”

“Flawed, yes, but not deeply. I’ll give you former pop star but magical? Yeah JC, you’re pretty fucking magical,” Alice blushed.

“I’m just a guy,” JC insisted.

“You’re the guy I’ve dreamed about in my bed for a long time, the guy who I could let my guard down around and would keep me safe. You’ll never be just a guy to me.” Alice breathed, scared but almost a little relieved she had said it. They’d talked about her feelings that first movie night but so much had changed from just five days ago. Those feelings had only gotten stronger.

JC blinked, unsure of what to say. That unblocked voice was now yelling at him to confess he was having feelings for her too but what good was it to tell her if they couldn’t act on it? It felt like adding salt to the wound. “Technically this is my bed,” JC smiled.

Alice audibly sighed and JC chuckled. “Speaking of bed, we need to get up,” Alice told him once more.

“Let’s stay,” JC touched her arm again.

“You hard of hearing or is your short term memory bad?”

“I heard you, Alice,” JC looked her in the eyes. He was about to butt up to that line once again. “You know the old saying “It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”?”

“What’s it mean when you never had the love part but just the loss?” Alice questioned and JC shot her a look. “Yeah, I know it,” she confirmed.

“Then get back in the bed and let me cuddle you the way you always wanted.”

“What?!” Alice’s body reared back. “If I hadn’t slept here, I’d swear you were high again.”

“Alice, I’m serious,” JC sat up. “You just said us meeting is special so don’t…don’t leave here regretting anything, is what I’m saying.”

Alice stared at JC, trying to understand if what she was reading in between the lines was real or her imagination. “JC, you realize the cuddling I’ve imagined isn’t exactly G rated.”

“Well, just like last night, I’m hoping you’ll be asleep before the smutty part,” JC chuckled. Alice still looked wary. “If you really don’t want to, it’s fine but you were fine last night…”

“I wasn’t fine,” Alice interjected. “I wanted to be fine but I couldn’t…you ever wanted something for so long and then you finally get it and it’s just…it’s just too much? Like it’s too overwhelming to think the dream is reality?”

“Yeah, I know the feeling,” JC told her, remembering a variety of experiences he had had as *NSYNC was ascending the charts that still caused him pause to believe he had lived that life.

“Then you know it’s almost scary. Like, how is this possible? This whole week I’ve been wrestling with that on and off and last night, well, let’s just say my thoughts definitely didn’t let me enjoy the experience the way I had hoped.”

“Alice, I do understand but I promise you are making a bigger deal out of this then it has to be.”

“But it’s a big deal to me, JC. That’s my point.”

JC furrowed his brow and wiped at his eyes again. He didn’t want to push her but the whole thing seemed so silly to him to be arguing over. “Alice, it’s…” he reached over and tapped his phone, “5:42 am. You said it yourself; yesterday was a long day and you didn’t sleep great. You need to rest.”

“I can after our walk, it’s fine,” she deflected once again.

“Jesus Alice, are you actually missing the entire point of this retreat?” JC asked her, his own lack of sleep showing a bit in his voice. “You need to take care of yourself. You are tired, you need to sleep more. Our walks aren’t mandatory, they are for us to bond and talk. We can do that right here.”

Alice blinked a few hard times. The invitation was so tempting and she wanted to believe it could be innocent enough but she also felt one right move would have her falling for JC so hard she’d never recover. Her heart couldn’t bare it after everything she’d been though and yet…

“Alice,” JC brought her out of her thoughts, “what do you want? Be honest, don’t give me excuses or reasons not to; just tell me what you want in this moment.”

“I wanna get back in bed,” Alice confessed.

JC let out a sigh of relief and folded the covers back to let Alice underneath. She carefully resumed her former position but JC gently rolled her over to face him. “That’s better,” he smiled at her. “Now what?”

“What do you mean “now what?”?” Alice’s voice rose a touch. “We, ya know, sleep.”

“Nice try,” JC chuckled. “How do you imagine it? Like where am I?”

“This is insanity. This is absolute insanity,” Alice covered her face and shook her head. If she didn’t know JC as well as she did at this point, she’d swear he was making fun of her. “JC, we can’t…”

“Hey,” JC said softly. Alice cautiously lowered her hands. While the room was still relatively dark, she could see glints of JC’s soft blue eyes staring back at her. “We aren’t going to have sex, nothing close to sex, ok? Just…we’re both dealing with a lot and to be honest? I’m not ready to get up and face the day just yet. It felt…good to have you here with me last night. Comforting. Please, all I want to do is return the favor.”

Alice shut her eyes as JC pressed his lips to her forehead. Was he really just going to snuggle her the way she’d imagined all this time and not think it was completely weird? Not think it was sexual? How was he going to explain this to Jen when he got home?

She tried hard to push all her worries out of her mind as she turned away from JC again. JC grimaced until he felt Alice’s hand reach back and grab his wrist, tugging him to come closer. He obliged and tucked in behind her as she led his arm to drape across her waist. “I’m not sure where you put the other arm. I told you, I’m not actually used to all this.”

“I got you, Mama,” JC slid his arm under Alice’s pillow and nestled his head into the crook of her neck. Alice adjusted her body against his own until she was as comfortable as she was going to get. “You good?” JC asked after she appeared settled.

“Yeah,” she breathed, her body still tense with nerves.

“Honey, you gotta relax,” JC whispered.

“Yeah, kinda hard to do that,” Alice gave a nervous laugh.

“Let me help with that,” JC told her, the hand lightly touching her stomach starting to move in slow circles.

“That does feel nice,” Alice breathed and shut her eyes, allowing herself to enjoy the sensation.

JC continued for a few moments, just letting his fingertips play over her abdomen. He started to feel her body relax and wanted to keep up the distraction from her own thoughts. “You know, I used to cuddle Justin like this.”

“Shut up, you did not,” Alice giggled.

“It’s true. I mean, not all the time but a few. Joey is a great cuddler.”

“Seems like he’d be,” Alice smiled. “Do you miss being that close with the guys?”

“I do,” JC was able to say without hesitation. “Maybe not like that exactly. I mean, we’re grown men now…”

“You miss the innocence of that time,” Alice interjected.

“Yeah, something like that. I miss having friends I’m that close to.”

“They’re still your friends, JC.”

“I know, but not like they used to be,” JC’s voice let out the sadness he felt inside. “That’s why this…with you…I don’t know, maybe I’m projecting but I haven’t felt this close to someone who wasn’t Jen in ages. It feels…it feels really nice.”

“Physical comfort is important too, JC. It doesn’t have to be…” Alice let the sentence hang in the air as she stroked JC’s forearm, thinking how shut off she had been from just that for so long. Even Patrick was getting to that age of hating a simple hug from his mom. It was a different type of loneliness then she had before but a loneliness just the same.

“No, it doesn’t,” JC squeezed her a little tighter. Their hearts ached for the exact same thing and finding each other now was healing in a way neither of them could describe. JC’s hand ran over Alice’s stomach once more, trying to convince himself this actually was as innocent as he was making it out to be.

“Bet you didn’t do that to Justin,” Alice joked.

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” JC smiled into her neck. “There was this one time…” JC started but stopped as he heard the tiniest of gasps. “Not like that!” he chastised Alice.

“Sorry, too easy a leap,” she couldn’t help but laugh.

“Do you want the story or not?” he teased.

“I’ll be good,” she promised and shut her eyes, ready for whatever secret tale JC was about to gift her.

“Justin’s always been…I don’t wanna say he had something to prove but he always wanted you to know he could hang with the big kids,” JC said, his mind instantly flashing back to the young boy who used to beg the Mickey Mouse Club producers to let him be in segments with the older teens cuz he knew he was just as good.

“It’s rare to see Justin be vulnerable, to let his guard down,” JC continued. “It usually comes out as anger or he channels into song.”

“Sounds like somebody else I know,” Alice patted his arm.

JC smirked but didn’t acknowledge the statement. “This one time, I honestly think he just got too high is what did it, but he just…we were rehearsing for the Celebrity tour and he came over real late one night, like 2am or something.”

“The stress of everything was getting to him at that time,” JC recalled. “The album had already been out for over half a year so it was a creative struggle to make the set list fresh with no new material. He was dealing with a breakup and constantly in the public eye. In hindsight, he was most likely struggling with the thoughts of doing his solo album and all that entailed as well. He was on the verge of a burn out.”

“I was asleep but he was pounding so loud on the door, I woke up,” JC let the memory play through his mind. “I don’t even remember what he said anymore but he just looked…he looked like an absolute wreck. So we sat on the couch and he eventually just broke down. Like sobbing, shaking, can’t breathe full meltdown.”

“I think we’re both familiar,” Alice said softly.

“I just held him and let him cry in my lap for like hours. He tried to leave once he was calmer but I wouldn’t let him. I got him settled in the guest room and went back to bed but he crawled in with me moments later. He was twenty one yet he was instantly the twelve year old boy I’d first met. That’s the closeness I miss. Knowing we could all come to each other at our worst and be embraced and not judged.”

“That’s a rare friendship to have but the best kind,” Alice mumbled.

“You ever have a friend like that?” JC asked.

“I do now,” Alice’s face held a faint smile as she finally drifted off to a restful sleep.

JC kissed her temple and shut his eyes, the memory of Justin now fresh in his mind. That was the trouble; that was but one example of how close they all used to be. It was ok to be vulnerable and now JC didn’t feel like he could be. Every conversation was defensive but as he lay there, he was beginning to wonder if it was him or them making it so. His conversation with Joey earlier in the week had gone fine. Maybe part of this unblocked voice meant being vulnerable and really having the conversations they all had been dancing around for years. He inhaled deeply and the smell of Alice’s skin filled his nostrils and fell back to sleep knowing the hardest conversation was going to be the one with himself.

 

Alice felt a gentle nudge as JC’s voice broke through to her brain. “Good Morning Beautiful,” she heard him say softly. Alice turned and carefully opened her eyes, her vision blurry, making JC’s face look like he was literally appearing from a dream.

“Hi,” Alice smiled, wishing she could look at his face all day. 

“You sleep better this time around?”

“Mmmmhmmm.”

JC smiled down at Alice’s sleepy happy expression, grateful they had both been able to rest more. The extra sleep had definitely helped him and he was really hoping this was going to be the start of a good day for both of them. “Your breakfast is ready whenever you are.”

“Breakfast in bed?!” Alice’s eyes widened with excitement.

“Yes,” JC couldn’t contain his laugh. “Have you never had breakfast in bed before?”

“Hell no,” Alice began to sit up, stretching and letting her eyes adjust. JC watched her for a moment. He was beginning to realize how many small moments of tenderness Alice had yet to experience and he suddenly felt the need to pack as many into the next two days as possible.

“You’ll be happy to know I was able to rustle up some bacon,” he slid the tray onto her lap. Alice immediately reached for a piece and got in a few chews before looking at JC accusingly. “Ok fine, it’s turkey bacon but it was the best I could do.”

Alice laughed as she dug in and JC got up to grab a cup of hot tea before sitting back next to her. This was when Alice finally noticed that he was fully dressed. “How long have you been up?”

“About an hour. I knew Eric would have the papers here by 8am so I wanted to be ready to get them back to him as soon as possible.”

“Wait, what time is it?” Alice questioned.

“Just before 9am,” JC stated calmly.

“9am?!” Alice exclaimed. “Jesus Christ, we’re late!”

“Late for what?”

“Late for, you know, things! We didn’t do our walk and now the stretching and the Tai Chi and the…”

“Alice,” JC put his hand on her arm. “You needed to sleep. I had Jordyn move some things around on your schedule while I was waiting for the courier so you don’t have anything until ten. Relax and enjoy breakfast.”

Alice wasn’t used to being looked after; she was always the one keeping everyone else on schedule. The difference was odd but not unenjoyable. “How’d everything go with the paperwork?” she changed the subject.

“Fine, standard stuff. I talked to Eric and they’re still trying to pinpoint where it started from or how far out it spread.”

“Shit, I mean, are you guys gonna be able to find it all?”

“I don’t know,” JC sighed. “If we get the majority of it, YouTube and streaming and shit like that, that might be the best we can do. They’ll get the download links squashed as well but if people already have the tracks, they can easily just upload them again or share them. It makes me fucking sick to my stomach.”

“I didn’t mean to get you all worked up again,” Alice said softly.

“You didn’t do anything. Whoever did this…that’s who’s got me upset, not you.”

Alice watched as JC’s eyes grew darker, the grip on his mug just a little bit tighter as he worked to keep his anger at bay. “What’s on your schedule for today?”

“Nothing until the afternoon. I thought about what you said and I put in a text to Justin to call me when he could. I think I need to talk about all this.”

“That’s really awesome,” Alice smiled, “just try not to dwell on it all day. Eric’s got it handled.”

Alice turned her head away to hide a tiny laugh but JC caught it. “What?”

“It’s silly, it’s just that, there’s this thing you said, during one of the interviews at the pop up, where you said you don’t dwell on the negative. It’s like a whole thing now with fans.”

“Well, guess you know the truth now that that’s a crock of shit,” JC gave a wry smile. “I can still turn on the charm for the cameras when I need to.”

“I don’t think it’s a crock of shit. I think maybe you didn’t even realize you were dwelling on it, you just internalized it. Your mind wasn’t actively thinking about it but your body was. Trust me, the body remembers trauma even if the mind suppresses it.”

“That’s really where you think this whole vishuddha blockage thing came from?” JC questioned.

“I don’t know, but it’s as good a place to start,” Alice shrugged as she finished up her plate.

JC sat there contemplating what Alice had said when his phone began to ring. Surprised the call was by FaceTime, JC automatically answered. “Hey J, thanks for giving me a call back.”

“Yeah man, sorry, would’ve been earlier but we had a massive 2am diaper blow out to work through so we slept in a little late,” Justin wiped his eyes, clearly still trying to wake up.

“All good, man,” JC reassured him.

“I’ll catch up with you later,” Alice whispered as she began to sneak out of the bed.

“Oh yeah, no problem,” JC remembered her presence. “One second, J,” he put the phone down but Justin could observe the scene. “Your schedule’s on top of the dresser. I’ll see you at lunch, ok?”

“Yeah, sounds good,” Alice said, keeping one eye on Justin, seeing the confusion and scrutiny on his face as JC leaned over and kissed her cheek. “Have a good chat. Say what you need to say,” she told JC then turned to the phone. “Uh, hi…Justin,” she waved awkwardly then backed out of view, covering her face and muttering a not silent enough “Jesus Christ” as she left.

JC shook his head and chuckled as he picked back up the phone. “Sorry, she’s…she’s getting a lot thrown at her this week.”

“Seems like it,” Justin raised an eyebrow. “You gonna explain or I have to drag it out of you?”

“Nothing to explain. She’s just a friend.”

“A friend that was in your bed that I’m gonna take a wild guess and say Jen doesn’t know about.”

“Are you really one to talk here?” JC grew a bit agitated. He didn’t want to have a fight, especially when he really needed Justin’s advice at the moment, but he didn’t appreciate Justin throwing stones from his own glass house when he knew nothing about the situation.

Justin looked on in stunned silence for a moment. JC was never one to start an argument, at least not in recent memory. In fact, all JC ever did was shut down the moment conflict arose the past couple years. Something had changed, Justin realized, and he wasn’t sure if he was proud or pissed off about it as of yet.

“So, that’s not why you wanted to talk?” Justin managed a half smile, trying to dial down the tension.

“No, it’s not,” JC sighed, half relieved they weren’t going down that path and half steadying himself for the real conversation. “I need your help.”

“Anything, man. You name it,” Justin said without hesitation. Another change: he’d been asking JC for years how he could help him and he always refused. This was serious.

“My album got released without my consent and I just…I don’t know what to do. I really need some advice.”

“Your album? What album? You’ve been working on an album?!” Justin questioned in shock. This conversation was rapidly becoming one surprise after another.

“No Justin, Kate. Somebody released Kate.”

Justin literally had to sit down at the news. “JC…fuck…how?”

“Eric’s looking into it but it’s…you have to be looking for it but it’s easy to find if you were.”

“Absolutely no offense but is anyone even looking for it?”

“The YouTube videos are all over a thousand views already and the fake me on Apple Music has like a hundred subscribers so, yeah, some people are looking apparently,” JC shook his head. “Fifteen years, J. Fifteen years and it never came out but it just took one asshole to ruin it all. The thought that it’s out there and I can’t…I can’t fix it; all I can do is mitigate the damage? It’s fucked up and it hurts and I just don’t understand why someone would do this to me?”

Justin put a hand over his face, trying to take everything in. After a few moments, he looked back at the screen. “Ok, what can I do?”

“I don’t know. I just, I need somebody who understands this situation to brain storm with. I want to go back to LA with a game plan.”

“You’re not taking this lying down, are you?”

“No, why would I?”

“Cuz that’s what you’ve been doing the past couple years,” Justin told him honestly. “Truth be told, I didn’t know if you had any more fight left in ya.”

Now it was JC’s turn to be rendered speechless. He knew it had been bad but he didn’t know one of his best friends had all but given up on him. JC choked back a sob as he replied, “Yeah, well, you know how important my music is to me.”

“I do,” Justin said solemnly. “What the hell is happening to you over there?”

“If I even attempted to explain, I don’t think you’d believe me,” JC chuckled.

“Probably not,” Justin smiled and stared at his friend. “It’s good to have you back, C.”

“Working on it,” JC confessed. “One issue at a time.”

“Well then, let’s see what we can do about this one,” Justin settled into his chair. “Tell me what’s going on.”

JC told Justin about his conversation with Eric and what all he knew and about the copyright papers he’d signed that morning. Justin agreed it was a good first step and started googling the album as they spoke, jotting down all the places he found it to help JC and Eric hopefully find a common thread.

Justin advised JC to get a lawyer, even if it didn’t go anywhere and sent him some recommendations. They discussed how JC wanted to handle the situation and while Justin could once again hear the passion in his voice, JC was pretty adamant he didn’t want this to be any more public than it already was.

“JC, some of it is my material too. I got no problem suing somebody if it clears this up faster for you,” Justin offered.

“If you breathe wrong you end up on TMZ,” JC countered. “I appreciate it but it will definitely become headlines if you do anything.”

“I’m used to being the scapegoat. I’ll happily do it again,” Justin told him.

“Yeah, but that’s about reunion plans.”

“Or lack of reunion plans.”

“Yeah, not today, ok?” JC bristled.

“I’m not, I’m just saying we agreed to let me be the public fall guy so it could take the heat off of you. If it’ll help, I got no issue.”

“No, the four of you agreed. I never agreed.”

“You didn’t disagree either,” Justin pointed out. 

JC bit his lip and stared at the screen. “I’m not really sure what to say to that.”

“You don’t have to say anything. I got you, JC. Always.”

“Yeah, well,” JC scratched his head, “maybe it’s time I got you for a little bit.”

“I know if I need you, you’ll be there. You’re taking care of yourself, that’s really all I can ask of you at the moment.” Justin paused for a moment. “Ok, maybe just one little thing…”

“Her name is Alice and she’s a friend,” JC huffed, knowing exactly where Justin was headed. “Don’t turn it into something that it’s not.”

“Oh, so that’s Alice,” Justin grinned.

“What? How do you know about…?” JC’s brain answered his question before he even got it all out of his mouth. “Fucking Fatone.”

“Apparently I was whiny back in the day?” Justin teased.

“Damn right you were,” JC chuckled. “You were a teenager, comes with the territory.”

“If I had known it was her, I would have looked harder. Joey was trying to figure out if she was hot.”

“Of course he was,” JC shook his head.

“Joey also said she’s got a crush on you?”

“Yeah, well, lots of women have had crushes on me over the years. I don’t understand it but we talked it through and…you know how it is. The image and the real person rarely match. It’s not a big deal.”

“I think that may be the first time I’ve ever heard you acknowledge that women are attracted to you,” Justin smiled.

“Told you, lots of weird shit has been going on over here. I’ll tell you all about it sometime but not today.”

“Fair enough but uh, I just…I’m so glad you’re doing all this. I’m so glad you called but…just be careful. You gotta come back to reality in a few days.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means that whatever this friendship is with Alice isn’t gonna be the same soon enough. Don’t fuck up a good thing cuz of some short term emotions but don’t leave there regretting not doing everything you want together cuz you’ll never have another chance.”

“Are you telling me to cheat on my girlfriend or not?” JC gave a laugh at Justin’s completely contradictory statements.

“I’m telling you to do what’s in your heart but use your brain as well. If the connection is there, it’s there but make sure it’s real and not just cuz you miss Jen.”

“That how you rationalize it to yourself?” JC raised an eyebrow.

“Yes, it is,” Justin stated matter of factly. “We’re getting older, C. Connection is precious and far too rare in this world. If you find it, embrace it.”

“No matter who you hurt in the process,” JC glared.

“If you’re doing anything with the intention of hurting someone, that’s a problem,” Justin reasoned. “That is absolutely never my intention.”

JC sighed, not prepared for this particular conversation. While he never flaunted it, Justin’s infidelity was a pretty open secret with the band. JC didn’t have a great history of being a loyal boyfriend himself which was specifically why he never crossed over to husband. But Jen was the closest he’d ever found to a lifelong companion and this conversation was making him come to a realization.

“I’m gonna have to tell Jen about Alice when I get home,” JC said out loud.

“Do you?” Justin questioned.

“Yes, Justin, I do,” JC doubled down. “I…I kind of hate to admit I get what you’re saying but I’m also getting too old to lie.”

“So something did happen,” Justin’s lips turned into a devilish grin.

“No, nothing has happened,” JC stated. “It…it’s gotten close. A couple times actually but nothing has happened. She spent the night, just with everything with the album I asked her to and it was fine. She was a little wigged out but nothing happened.”

“Why was she wigged out?”

“Told you, long time crush. I don’t understand it being me but I can get how crazy it must be for the poster on the wall to come to life.”

“The first time Janet kissed me, I came,” Justin confessed.

“File that under things I never needed to know,” JC made a face. 

“JC, what do you want? Her feelings aside just for the moment, what’s going through your mind about her?”

“I just want to kiss her,” JC finally admitted out loud. “Like, literally, that’s it. I don’t want to have sex with her but I just want to kiss her and touch her and hold her and…like you said, connection. I miss having that so much. I was even telling her this morning how we used to be so much closer, like that time you came over after you and Brit split, you remember?”

“Yeah, I do,” Justin said softly, that stretch of time still a soft spot in his armor. JC had really pulled him through so much of it.

“I miss that,” JC started to well up, “and I have that with Alice. I know I do, I feel it and I just feel like I can’t do anything about it.”

“Maybe Jen would understand, I mean, if all it is is kissing,” Justin offered.

“Your wife magically got pregnant after you were caught just holding hands with another woman and you wanna talk about understanding?”

“Jess and Jen aren’t the same but also…wow!” Justin’s eyes went wide. “Where is that coming from?”

“It’s coming from…” JC pushed his lips together and shook his head. That unblocked voice really was roaring out of him like fire but logic told him letting it all out at once truly would create an inferno. “Look, in a very weird way, I think I’m agreeing with you. They aren’t the same. Our relationships aren’t the same so what works for you might not work for me. Either way, I know I have to tell her.”

“Ok. You’re right, you know what’s best for your relationship. I just want you to be happy, JC. No matter what that looks like.”

“Thank you,” JC gave a soft smile. “I want that for you too and I…I worry about you, J. I worry that you’re not, you know, happy.”

The words took Justin’s breath away. This was the closest to real conversation the two had had in years and he had no clue JC felt that way. In that moment, he realized how much he missed the deep connection they both once shared as well yet knew it was still strong underneath the surface. “I think that’s another conversation for another time,” Justin tried to brush off.

“Let’s have it though sometime, Justin. I mean it,” JC pressed. 

The earnestness in JC’s voice was nearly too much for Justin to take as he blinked away some tears. Of course JC would be the one to see through his bullshit. “Jesus, seriously, what are they doing to you over there? I’m beginning to think you’re a pod person or something.”

“Oh man, not you too,” JC laughed loudly. “Alice is convinced there’s some kind of alien witchcraft mind control sacrificial whatever going on here.”

“I like her better already,” Justin chuckled. “Look, right now, you need to focus on you, on this record situation and whatever the deal is with Alice. That’s what’s important. I’m…I’ll be ok til we can talk but, yeah, I’d like that, if we could. Maybe I’ll even let you spoon me again.”

“Now how do we explain that to our significant others?” JC laughed.

“Oh I’m not worried about them. How do we explain that to Lance? If he finds out I got you in bed before he did, he’ll literally chop my head off.”

JC rolled over with laughter at the thought. “If he cuts off the bottom one, that’ll solve a lot of your problems,” JC managed to get out.

“Oh, you got jokes now, huh?” Justin eyed him but in truth he couldn’t remember the last time JC had busted his chops. It instantly felt like old times and Justin knew without a doubt he was so proud of the progress JC was making. God, he had missed hearing JC laugh.

“I’m sorry, it was too easy,” JC tried to compose himself.

Justin smiled back at his friend. “Seems like this retreat has really done you some good.”

“It has,” JC told him. “I don’t know what I would have done if all this shit happened while I was home. It fucking hurts, man, and I…maybe you were right, that I lost a lot of the fight that was in me but I’m finding it again.”

“Good for you,” Justin beamed. “Let me get this list organized and I’ll email it over. Don’t even look at it, just forward it to Eric and make him do the leg work. Seriously, promise me you’ll let him handle it until you get back to LA.”

“I won’t read it but as far as looking things up on my end, I’ll try not to but I can’t promise I won’t.”

“I appreciate the honesty,” Justin said solemnly. “Two more days, C. Make the most of them. I’ll check in when you’re home but feel free to call if you need anything.”

“Thanks Justin, I can’t tell you how much this has meant to me.”

“That’s what friends are for,” Justin told him before the briefest of twinkle appeared in his eye as he loudly broke out into song. “In good times, in bad times, I’LL BE BY YOUR SIDE FOREVER MORE!!!”

“Dad! Stop!!” Silas could be heard yelling from somewhere in the background.

“Hey! This voice puts food on the table. Do you think your fruit snacks just fall from the fruit snack tree?” Justin yelled off camera.

“I mean, they are fruit, so…” JC started.

“You aren’t helping,” Justin turned back to him.

“Fruit snack tree though…”

“Yes, I’ve gone full Dad at this point. I talk and my father comes out. It’s honestly frightening. I swear, I’ve aged ten years in the past two.”

“Getting old sucks, huh?”

“No. It’s weird, it’s different, but I don’t think it sucks. There’s days I wish I was still twenty two, could still drink and hang and move my body like I used to but I take care of myself and just finally learned to do everything in moderation. Being over forty isn’t a death sentence, it’s just learning to adapt.”

“You think that’s what I need to do?”

“I think you need to be selfish and start putting yourself first a little more. This retreat is part of that so don’t lose that when you get home and as I said, enjoy the time you have left there. Don’t leave regretting a missed opportunity.”

“You know, I said basically the same thing to Alice only a few hours ago,” JC chuckled and shook his head.

“Why’s that?”

“I, uh, I was trying to convince her to get back into bed with me. I didn’t want her fear overruling her enjoyment of doing something she’s always wanted,” JC blushed. “Wow, that sounds weird when I say it out loud.”

“Maybe you should take your own advice,” Justin offered.

“I don’t have fear, Justin. I have guilt. Big difference.”

“Think it over, JC. Really think it over.” Justin took a breath. “Think it over better than I do most times.”

“Justin…” JC shook his head.

“Lecture me later,” Justin deflected. “Just do what’s best for you for once.”

“I’ll think it over, ok?”

“All I can ask,” Justin gave a small smile. “Take care of yourself, brother. Keep me updated about the album and we’ll catch up properly soon. I promise.”

“I’d like that,” JC smiled softly back. “Love you, Justin. Thank you.”

“Love you too and anytime,” Justin blew him a kiss and with a laugh, the call was disconnected.

JC laid back on the bed and let a million thoughts run through him. The album leak was still plaguing him and he needed to think about his next course of action. He didn’t know how he was going to talk to Jen about this week but at least he was resolute that he would. He was confident that she would be understanding as things stood but if he acted on his growing feelings for Alice, he wasn’t so sure.

He let out a heavy sigh as his thoughts turned to Justin. Things were in worse shape than he realized and JC wondered if he had purposely ignored it previously or Justin had kept the details hidden from him. Either way, the distance between the two was apparent but their talk felt like closing the gap just a little. What was going on with his other friends he had no clue about? JC realized his band mates had been nothing but supportive and understanding these past few years and JC was determined to finally return the favor.

Alice had no idea how she was even keeping up with the steps in her Zumba class as she was barely paying attention. Her thoughts, as always, remained on JC. She wondered how his talk with Justin was going, she remembered his tired sad eyes the night before and the warmth of his body wrapped around her this morning…

“Honey, go get a drink. You are a huffing and a puffing,” a voice broke Alice out of her daydream.

“Huh? Oh yeah, good point,” she turned to see Millie doing small side to side jumps as Whitney Houston’s voice blared through the studio. Alice deftly made her way to the side and grabbed a bottle of water.

Alice shut her eyes as she let the cool water refresh her and felt her heart begin to slow to a steady pace. She soon felt someone join her and knew without looking it was Millie. “Sorry, you looked super into it out there but I thought you were gonna pass out at any moment.”

“No, thanks for looking out,” Alice found a towel and wiped her face, suddenly realizing how sweaty she was. “Guess I kind of zoned out.”

“Uh huh,” Millie gave a knowing nod. “Still feeling the aftershocks of last night?”

“What? No, that’s not…wait, were you spying on me again?” Alice asked in surprise.

“Not spying exactly, more like right place at the right time.”

“Was that right place the bush?” Alice raised an eyebrow.

Millie let out her signature high pitched laugh. “Not after Jeff ruined it. No, my hike went long this morning so I had a late breakfast and saw you in your jammies leaving JC’s room as I left this morning. One can only assume…”

“Nothing happened, Millie,” Alice huffed, getting tired of this topic continually being brought up. “JC had some outside personal shit come up that had him really upset last night and he asked me to stay. It was completely innocent.”

“Girl, you ain’t had a man in your bed in months. Couldn’t have been that innocent.”

Alice let out a large sigh, trying not to snap at this woman. “Sorry to disappoint you, Millie. Besides, not like I’d even know what to do if he did make a move,” Alice took another sip of water.

“Oh, of course!” Millie had a realization. “Alice, when is the last time you got laid?”

Alice fought not to spit the water half way across the room. “I mean, obviously a while,” Alice tried to deflect.

“Don’t play cute with me. You’ve told me enough to know it wasn’t exactly sunshine and rainbows with Donny before he passed,” Millie continued. “So how long?”

“Long enough that I don’t remember how long,” Alice conceded.

“Was he cheating on you too?”

“I don’t know. I thought so but I never found any evidence. Even after he died, nothing. So either he wasn’t or he took that secret to the grave, which honestly might be for the best,” Alice stated. 

That question had plagued Alice for years and she still didn’t have an answer. She could never tell if it was simply Donny’s anger at her that kept him away or he had someone else to take care of that need. Either way, it was still another form of neglect from him that she had suffered through and her psyche couldn’t take another blow to dig deeper into it.

“Honey, if not him, get your rocks off with somebody at least,” Millie chittered.

“As I said before, JC has a girlfriend, I’m not his type and I’m not ready for that yet,” Alice stated matter of factly as she finished her bottle and headed back into the class.

“Hogwash,” Millie said to herself as she watched her go.

Twenty minutes later, the class finished up as Alice leapt for another bottle of water. She was doing everything too intensely and she knew this was how she coped with stress but what was the stress? Was she really this worried about JC and his album? No, she quickly deduced, she was worried about him going back to LA to deal with the whole mess. She was worried about not being there for him.

Alice made her way down the hall to the Pilates studio as she prepared to put her body through the wringer once more. She was surprised how much she was actually enjoying the exercise now that her body was getting used to it and really wanted to make sure she found some time for herself when she got back home to take some sort of cheap class at the YMCA to keep her motivated.

Millie sidled up at the machine next to Alice. “Look, I’m sorry if you feel like I keep harping on this but you seem like a really nice lady who deserves a good time every once in a while.”

Alice sighed as she looked at Millie’s sad expression. “Thank you for the, uh, concern but I’m not one of those people who can just throw all my morality out the window to fuck the guy I’ve always wanted. We’re older; there are consequences for our actions. I can’t act on my impulses and be selfish when I know it’ll end up hurting someone else.”

Millie looked at Alice hard, taking in all that Alice had just said. “What do you mean by “fuck the guy you always wanted”?”

“Fuck!” Alice’s brain screamed. “I mean, he’s a good looking guy and good looking guys don’t find me attractive, is all,” Alice stumbled.

Millie’s eyes never left Alice’s face as she reached in her pocket for her cell phone. “What’s JC’s last name?” Alice reached for the phone but Millie pulled it back quickly, her eyes going wide as a smile started emerging. “Oh my God, he’s famous, isn’t he?!”

“Let it go, Millie,” Alice threatened but Millie sprinted from the room, furiously googling to see what she could dig up on the handsome older man. Alice was quick on her heels, hoping in vain to stop her.

Millie was half way down the hall when she stopped abruptly and turned back to face Alice, her arm outstretched to show her phone. “There is no way this is the same man.” 

Alice couldn’t help but smile a bit at the picture on Millie’s phone. The exact event was gone from her memory but JC was on some red carpet in a suit when the fashion was shades of the same color on top of one another. His hair was dark and short, the tiniest hint of a fauxhawk in the styling but she couldn’t tell if it was at the start or end of that trend for him. His clean shaven face had the barest of smiles but it reached his dark blue eyes fully, long before he switched his contacts for glasses.

“A younger version but yes, same guy,” Alice admitted.

“Jesus, what happened?” Millie pulled back her phone and began scrolling through the gallery of pictures that had populated.

“What do you mean what happened?” Alice was nearly offended. “That picture is like ten to fifteen years old. A lot changes in that time.”

“Wait, I do know who he is!” Millie shoved her phone back into Alice’s face. A still of him and Ariana Grande performing at Coachella filled the screen. “He’s JC from *NSYNC!”

“He is but Millie, DON’T make this a big deal. Seriously,” Alice warned.

“I can’t believe I didn’t realize it. This is only like two years ago but with the gray and the beard and the everything…wow,” Millie looked at the picture again, starting to see the connection but still too shocked to believe it. “He desperately needs to hire a stylist.”

“Well, he’s not exactly hitting up clubs and events nowadays so I don’t think it’s really a need anymore,” Alice tried to rationalize.

Suddenly, Millie looked up, her eyes almost scanning Alice. “Oh, now you have to fuck him.”

“For fucks sake,” Alice threw up her hands and turned away.

“No no no no no,” Millie quickly ran around her and blocked her retreat. “This is such a bigger deal now.”

“Nothing changes,” Alice reminded her. “He still has a girlfriend that I’m pretty much the polar opposite of in the looks department and I still have a recently dead husband.”

“How long?”

“How long what? Since Donny died?”

“No, how long have you had a crush on JC? Since at least *NSYNC was big, right?”

“Since before then actually. He was on a kids show…”

“The one with Justin Timberlake, right?”

“Yeah…thought you’d be too young to remember that.”

“I’ve seen some clips. I’m…kind of a big fan of his. Justin’s, I mean,” Millie blushed.

Alice smiled at the normally outspoken woman getting bashful. She debated confessing she had actually seen Justin just this morning talking to JC but realized she’d probably have a million questions about it and decided to leave it alone.

“Then you can understand the issue. Justin is married; you wouldn’t try to sleep with him if you met him.”

“The hell I wouldn’t!” Millie nearly shouted. “Let that man pound me like I’m cement and he’s the jackhammer.”

Alice had to laugh at the analogy. “That’s all well and good in theory but you wouldn’t actually tell him that.”

“Not in so many words but if you don’t think I’d flirt with him and see if he took the bait, you’d be dead wrong.”

“Then what?”

“Then we fuck until I’m cross eyed. I mean, depends on what he’s into, I can…”

“You’re really serious, aren’t you?” Alice interrupted. “It doesn’t matter to you that he’s married; that you are?!”

Millie gave a small smile, amused by how naïve Alice seemed to be. “Honey, my husband and I have an…understanding. I have my fun, he has his, you catch my drift?” Alice gave a small nod, getting what Millie was saying but not seeing how it was possible. “I’m respectful. If I see a man I’m interested in, I go for it. He’s not, that’s ok. He is, more fun for me.”

“Ok, fine, if the guy is single, sure, I guess. Married though? Like, knowing he’s married…”

“As I said to you the other night, that’s his problem. I’m not trying to be heartless and I certainly don’t pressure anyone but I like to let men know the invitation is there. It’s on them whether to accept it or not.”

Alice bit her lip, trying hard to put herself in Millie’s shoes. “I couldn’t do that. I’m sorry if it sounds like I’m being judgmental, I’m really not trying to be but I just don’t see how you can knowingly wreck a relationship.”

“I’m not wrecking anything,” Millie firmly explained. “If a man is supposed to be monogamous with his partner and he isn’t, he fucked up, not me. I’m still being faithful to what my husband and I have agreed upon. I can’t assume what someone else’s relationships do’s or don’ts are.”

Alice thought hard about that one. Millie wasn’t wrong but she wasn’t exactly right either in Alice’s eyes. Perhaps it was “old fashioned” thinking but even with the years of satisfying her own needs as Donny lost interest, Alice never even entertained the idea of cheating on Donny…except with JC. JC was always the exception.

Millie could see the wheels turning in Alice’s brain. “Is that really the only issue?” she asked. “That he’s in a relationship?”

“It’s a pretty big issue, Millie.”

“I getcha but if he wasn’t…” Alice shot her a look but Millie pressed on. “Humor me, if he was single, would you at least give it a shot?”

“You seem to think he’d be interested. I know his eyesight is worse than it used to be but he isn’t completely blind to what I look like.”

“Well you obviously are,” Millie put her hands on her hips. “Alice, I can’t pretend to know all you’ve been through and I don’t have the magic words to make you believe me but I know men and I tell you with full conviction that man has feelings for you.”

“We’re friends. I’m…I’m lucky it even got that far. It’s not like he has romantic feelings or something like that.” Millie continued to stare firmly at Alice. “He doesn’t. You’re crazy. He has a girlfriend!”

“Being in a relationship doesn’t stop feelings from developing but you’re right, he does, so maybe he’s never act on them. But I’m also right that they’re there. He looks at you with this…curiosity, like he’s trying to decide what to do with you.”

“That doesn’t necessarily sound like a good thing.”

Millie walked towards Alice and reached up, grabbing the taller woman by the shoulders. “The world isn’t like Donny. You got dealt a bad hand, time to reshuffle. It’s not easy to undo all the damage but do NOT let his views keep dictating your life. He’s literally rotting in hell right now, let him stay there.”

“Millie, I…”

“Listen to me,” Millie gripped her tighter. “You’ve been crushing on JC for forever and now that you’ve finally met, he’s crushing back. ENJOY IT! Stop trying to dismiss it or figure out why and just go with it.”

“That is so much easier said than done,” Alice protested.

“Remember, this place has drugs and I’ll use them if I have to to calm you down,” Millie threatened before both women let out a laugh. “Seriously Alice, just enjoy the time you have with JC that’s left, whatever that looks like.”

“I will do my best,” Alice took a deep breath and promised.

“Good,” Millie finally let go. “Now, if you fuck him and don’t get me tickets to Justin’s next tour, we’re going to have a problem,” she smirked before heading back into the studio. 

Alice followed with a laugh, wishing she could have Millie’s confidence and easy going attitude, like she knew every man wanted her and could care less if they didn’t. Alice couldn’t understand how any man would want her, let alone the one she wanted back most of all. It was impossible and yet the evidence was gradually mounting. 

She’d never be able to live with herself if she tried anything. She also wouldn’t be able to live with herself if she didn’t.

 

 

“Bees…why did it have to be bees?” Alice stared from a safe distance at the apiary at the back of the garden that a small crowd was gathering around.

“Are you allergic?” JC asked with concern.

“No, I just…don’t like them,” Alice made a face. “They buzz in your face and get on your food. Then of course there’s the whole stinging thing.”

“All excellent points,” Vivienne smiled next to Alice, giving her a jump of surprise as she seemed to just materialize out of nowhere. “A bee can be viewed as a nuisance but the good they do is much greater than the reputation they often get.”

“I know that,” Alice made a face as Vivienne continued on towards the hive. “They pollinate and make honey and all that. I’m not saying they’re overall bad, I just want to not be near them.”

Vivienne turned to the group with that all knowing smile of hers. “I bring you out here this afternoon to teach you the symbolism and spiritual meaning of the bee and how it’s strength will ground you to the work you have done here as you travel back home shortly.”

“Uh, couldn’t we have done that with, like a slide show or something?” Jeff asked, even more uncomfortable in his surroundings than Alice was.

“There are many types of bees,” Vivienne continued, undeterred, “much like there are many types of people. Yet we judge all bees to be the same.”

“Because they all will still sting you,” Alice murmured.

“Wrong,” Vivienne of course heard and smiled. “These here are honeybees. Can they sting you? Yes, but their sole purpose is to produce beeswax and honey. They are not very aggressive and if you respect them, they will respect you.”

“So then what are the ones that just show up and dive bomb you?” Jeff asked again.

“Bees tend to only sting when they feel threatened, meaning when you shoo them away, they take it as an act of aggression,” Vivienne stated matter of factly. “However you are most likely encountering a carpenter bee or worker bee as they are the most commonly recognizable bees associated with pollination.”

“I thought those were bumble bees?” someone else asked.

“Ah, now we are getting to the point,” Vivienne exclaimed. “For reference, bumble bees are the large fuzzy bees that tend to roam about a regular flower garden. They also will rarely sting you but because they’re “cuter”, most people find them less threatening.”

“So where does the queen bee fit in?” JC piped up.

Vivienne smirked as she carefully pulled out one of the frames from the beehive, a number of bees flying out due to the disturbance. Alice noticed Vivienne didn’t have any of the traditional protective gear on and seemed quite calm despite the buzzing encircling her, almost like she knew she wasn’t in danger.

“As I said, these are honeybees,” Vivienne continued, “however they also have different varieties within them. The worker bees, as I mentioned before, are the females that go out and gather the pollen. The drone bees are the males, who rarely if ever leave the nest. Their only job is to protect and mate with the Queen. They are actually the safest of bees as they don’t have any stingers.”

“So what, they’re eunuchs?!” Jeff asked in disbelief.

“Well, since they have to mate, not exactly eunuchs,” Vivienne chuckled, “but for your analogy purposes, I suppose they have been genetically castrated defensive-wise.”

“There’s a joke there I’m not touching,” Jeff huffed.

“Again, bees get a bad reputation by the use of phrases such as “drone” or “hive mind”, or even “queen bee”. Instead, we need to think of the things they represent, like purpose and unity and assurance,” Vivienne explained.

“So you want us to learn to be bees?” Alice questioned aloud.

“Don’t act like it’s the strangest thing you’ve been asked to do this week,” Vivienne chided her amusedly, “but, yes, in a sense I am. This small group has been selected for this exercise because you keep your struggles to yourselves. You’ve learned over the past week to rely on your partner and our staff but you will be back with your families and jobs and community as before. Today, we give you the tools to let that community help you moving forward.”

Alice and JC stole a glance at one another. It was something they both had concerns about, wondering how their families and friends would react to the progress they had made and the changes they were hoping to implement. They knew inherently they had each other but how much could they be there for the other from across the country?

“First, we shall feast as the bees do, on delectable fruits filled with delicious nectar and additionally on the product of their labor with some sweet, fresh honey,” Vivienne instructed them. “After, we shall adjourn to the spa where you will each receive a detoxifying nectar and honey herbal body wrap and walked through a guided meditation to find your inner connection with the majesty that is the bee.”

“Don’t say it,” JC quickly held up a finger as Alice turned towards him.

“Have you never seen The Wasp Woman?!” Alice asked, trying and failing to control her panic.

“No one born after 1962 had seen The Wasp Woman,” JC chuckled.

“But she gets injected with the wasp enzymes to keep her young but she starts turning into a wasp and killing people!”

“So we’re gonna turn into bees and kill the other half of the guests and then what?” JC couldn’t keep the smile off his face. “Sounds more like Lord of the Flies to me.”

“Will you be serious?!” Alice nearly stomped her foot.

“Will you?!” JC let out his laughter. “Alice, come on. Nobody’s getting turned into a gathering insect or a sex zombie.”

“Sex zombie? Where the hell did you get sex zombie from?”

“You know, the drone bees that just exist to have sex.”

“Well, those are just the males so I guess you’re the one in danger of becoming the sex zombie,” Alice chuckled then stopped abruptly, a quick image of the scenario flashing through her mind.

“Don’t make me do the face again,” JC tilted his head slightly, staring Alice down but unable to erase his smile.

“No, not the weird possessed face again,” she quickly waved him off, pushing the mental image of a naked and ready to serve JC out of her mind. “Ok, fine, we aren’t getting turned into bees but you have to admit Vivienne’s “guided meditations” are pretty intense.”

“True but again, it’s all in our heads. We’re safe, you know this. Besides, a lot of that had to do with the drugs and…” JC’s voice trailed off, his head turned towards the rest of the group starting to sit down for lunch.

“Oh fuck,” Alice followed JC’s gaze. “I mean, they wouldn’t…not without telling us, right?”

JC was about to say no until he remembered his involuntary vomit session the previous day with Ivan. He was still confident they were in safe hands but he gulped, wondering where the afternoon would take them.

They had been warned about the CBD laced honey but Alice still had enough wits about her to know there was no way this could all be pot running through her system as she dug into her seventh grilled honey glazed pear. She swore each one tasted better than the last and she was determined to find the best one.

JC looked around the group of eight or so grown adults happily feasting and giggling. His tolerance was a bit higher but he knew he wasn’t immune as he smartly waved off another helping yet found himself literally licking his plate clean as Jeff fell off his chair at the end of the table with a loud thud, followed by uproarious laughter.

“It seems we’re all having quite the good time,” Vivienne observed as she strode by. JC realized while Vivienne had sat with them, he wasn’t sure he had seen her eat. If this whole bee metaphor was really going to be played out, he quickly ascertained Vivienne was the queen and they were all potentially in trouble. Then again, hadn’t they been listening to her all week? Was this the part where the evil plan got explained because there was nothing they could do?

“Oh my God, everything is soooooo delicious,” Alice’s voice pulled JC out of his thoughts. “Do you grow these strawberries here?”

“Yes, they and the blueberries are the same ones we use in the yogurt parfaits,” Vivienne explained.

“I want to swim in them,” Alice nearly drooled as she savored another. “You should fill one of the pools with them.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Vivienne chuckled. “How about you, Josh? Have you enjoyed the meal?”

JC stared at Vivienne, mouth agape as he tried to form words. Alice had actually been right, he realized, as he sat motionless, almost too in shock to run. “This is like, your hive, is it? You’re gonna turn us into zombie murder bees.”

Vivienne only had a split second of shock before she let loose a laugh so loud, the commotion of the table nearly stopped to watch her. She held her stomach as she lurched forward, tears brimming in her eyes as she needed a good two minutes to compose herself. The other guests began to giggle along, even though they didn’t have any clue what was so funny, while JC just stared at the woman.

“That…” she finally wheezed out. “That is a new one,” she wiped her eyes as she attempted to right herself. “Zombie murder bees,” she tittered again. “You certainly do have an active imagination, Josh,” she caressed his cheek and popped a honey covered strawberry in his mouth that he instinctively chewed. “I’ll take that as a sign we’re ready to head over to the spa.”

The group stumbled their way across the campus like a bunch of college freshman coming back from their first frat party. JC moved carefully, body ridged and at attention, as Alice leaned into him.

“Joshy, what’s wrong?” she flicked his earlobe back and forth.

“I don’t know,” he said warily and it was the truth. He knew he was stoned but he wasn’t normally one to let the paranoia kick in. He wouldn’t even say he was paranoid, just on edge, alert to the slightest movement. He wasn’t scared about what they were walking into but he wanted to be very aware of whatever it was.

“This is funny,” Alice giggled.

“Glad you think so.”

“No, I mean, you were telling me this morning to get out of my head and now I am but you’re not,” she laughed again. “I mean, you’re in your head, not my head. Well, no, cuz you’re always in my head but that’s cuz…”

“I get it, Alice,” JC cut her off then stopped walking, pausing to stare at the woman. She wobbled slightly as she got her balance, staring back at JC with a dopey grin. JC didn’t want to take advantage but he knew basic function was a chore for her right now so her capacity to lie was virtually dissolved. “Can I ask you something?”

“What?” she giggled again.

“Have your feelings…changed, about me, since we met?”

It took a few seconds for Alice to register the question. “Do you mean do I still wanna fuck you?”

JC choked at her bluntness. “Uh, kinda, I guess?” he confessed. His conversation with Justin earlier slammed back into his brain as he bit his lip and stared, unknowing how to follow up as he was still figuring out his own feelings.

“Here’s the problem: you, girlfriend,” she pointed into his chest then reversed direction. “Me, fat. No matter how bad I want it, it’s not gonna happen.”

JC stared in confusion as it seemed like Alice’s words weren’t connecting with her brain as her smile stayed plastered on her face but a truth serum effect took ahold of her. It was like he was talking to a third party that knew her very well instead of her actual self and he decided he had to take the chance of this potentially backfiring later on.

“We have this…connection, Alice. I know you feel it even though you keep trying to convince yourself it’s not real. How do I get you to see it and not freak out in the process?”

Alice closed the gap between them, suddenly turning the conversation very serious. “You can’t,” she whispered. “There’s too much toxic shit in my brain. You can’t undo it all with a kiss like in the movies…but it’s a good place to start.” Before JC knew it, Alice had reached her arms around his neck, his fingers clasping into the skin of his neck as she pulled him in to meet her awaiting lips.

“Nope nope nope!” JC heard shouting rapidly approaching and a body quickly between the two of them. He was so in shock, he stepped back as the person addressed Alice. “No molesting our friends, ever but especially not when high.”

“But Michael,” Alice whined, “he’s so pretty and nice and I want him and I’m not gonna get the courage to do it again. Can’t I just…”

“You can, but not now,” Michael smiled at her. “Trust me, we’re gonna help you get some of that confidence back, sweetie. Right now though, we’re gonna go to the spa and give you a nice deep massage and wrap. Doesn’t that sound nice?”

“Imma be putty,” Alice giggled, remembering Michael’s promise from the beginning of the week. “Silly putty…”

JC watched helplessly as Michael led Alice into the spa, though not like he was making any move to stop them either. Everything felt like he was watching a movie play out in front of him and not actually part of the story. He was being far too calm about everything and it worried him that he wasn’t worried.

“Best not to do too much thinking right now, Josh,” Vivienne sidled up beside him as she noticed his brow furrow. “You’re going to want the full experience…and not the part where you get turned into a zombie murder bee,” she chuckled again at his outrageous misgivings.

“Something’s wrong,” JC said, still staring after where Michael took Alice. “I can’t feel anything. It’s almost like how I was before I came here but worse. I let all the pain numb me before but now…now I just feel hollow…empty.”

“Well then my mistake, it seems you did get the zombie part right then,” Vivienne mused. “I also admit I underestimated how you’d react, given our first meditation, I thought you’d fall right in line with the others. Nothing we can’t fix, however.”

JC watched as Vivienne moved in front of him, her arms reaching up and around his neck, exactly as Alice had done only moments ago. There was more of a confidence about Vivienne however and JC wasn’t sure if he was about to get kissed or killed.

He had a split second to realize it was closer to the latter as Vivienne’s index finger pushed at the base of his neck and turned sharply. JC’s eyes instantly rolled back into his head as every muscle gave out in his body. Were it not for the two men who had deftly moved to either side of him as he’d concentrated on Vivienne, he would have hit the ground. Vivienne watched as the two men scooped up JC and carried him into the spa to be prepped.

“Is he ok?” Ivan approached his mother.

“Oh, he’ll be fine,” she waved her son off. “I swear, kids your age watch too many horror movies. Where did he even get zombie murder bees from?”

“We aren’t exactly orthodox in our methods, Mother,” Ivan chuckled.

“True but we get proven results,” Vivienne countered. “People leave better than when they arrived and that’s really all I care about, healing these broken souls however I can. If that makes people a little wary of me, just tells me I’m doing a good job. It’s always instant belief you can cut cancer of the brain out with a scalpel but eradicate cancer of the mind and suddenly you’re a voodoo priestess.”

Ivan nodded in understanding. He’d seen over the years all the good work she and her staff had done, helping abuse victims, those with severe depression, immeasurable loss and countless other mental hardships.The growth in people who have come back time and time again or the ones who simply write to update them on their progress; it was undeniable they were helping people find the road to becoming their best selves.

“Not too late to become a cult leader,” Ivan quipped.

“Please,” Vivienne chuckled, “if I were that persuasive, Harrison Ford would have been your father.”

 

“Alice, you need to stay still for me,” Michael gently chided her again.

“But it tickles,” Alice laughed as the cool brush hit her knee cap again. Michael had taken her to a private room where she stripped and laid on a soft, cushioned bench. She had laid on her front first and didn’t mind her bare behind being exposed as Michael massaged some yummy smelling thick cream into her skin then brushed what he said was a conditioner over top that made her feel all tingly and glowy. It was so much fun that when he asked her to flip over, she didn’t even care about being naked anymore.

“Honey, I need you to spread your legs a little bit for me,” Michael instructed her.

“Ok, but bats might fly out,” Alice laughed at her own joke as she did so, only a small ting registering how odd it was being this free but ultimately exhilarating to do so.

“Don’t worry, I’m not going in your Cave of Wonders,” Michael joked back. “Just gotta get all of the outside of you covered.”

Alice squirmed slightly as she felt Michael’s hands caressing parts of her no one had touched in years. He was an absolute professional however and Alice was almost a little surprised she wasn’t getting turned on but she quickly realized it was just a thing that was happening. A good thing but not a sexual thing.

Down the hall, JC was in a similar state but by no means as animated as Alice. He laid perfectly still, staring up at the ceiling, as the masseuse worked on him. Whatever move Vivienne had done on him was like opening the flood gates on the drugs in his system so that while he was moderately aware of what was going on, he was nearly catatonic to the casual observer. His body was heavy but he felt light and airy. Moving and thinking logically were too hard at the moment and he was happy to just lay there and be manipulated however they saw fit.

He felt the cloth wraps go on first at his feet, slowly winding their way up, encasing his legs together, sealing in whatever elixir had been put onto his body. Next his torso was covered, followed by each arm then thicker bands holding his arms tight against his sides then afixing a towel to cover his neck. 

As his face was covered in the same creamy buttery mixture as his body, his nose picked up the same sickeningly sweet smell of honey that had permeated lunch. A near instantly firming facial mask was brushed over top as this time he didn’t fight the aroma and let it drown him in relaxation and happiness, only vaguely able to think he probably looked more like a mummy now than he had in that old video.

Alice watched as the lights in the corridor whizzed by above her as all she could do was look upward. Every part of her body was wrapped up tight and it felt like the best weighted blanket in existence. She finally found herself moved into another room, the ceiling opening up into a large dome, like she was in a planetarium. It was mostly silent but she could hear murmured voices and wheels being locked into place. She knew the group was all back together and felt a warmth coming over her knowing JC was nearby even if she couldn’t see him.

“Tell me tomorrow how it goes,” Michael whispered to her before her ears were encased in a set of headphones, low ambient music pleasantly drowning out the movement in the room. Alice instantly relaxed into it.

“Hello everyone,” Vivienne’s soft voice finally broke through to Alice’s ears. She had no concept of how long she’d been laying there and frankly didn’t care. “I’m happy to see you all nice and relaxed and ready to take this journey together.”

“The purpose of a body wrap is to provide a natural way to remove toxins from the body and restore it in a relaxing way. So too we aim to remove the toxins of the mind by creating a safe, nurturing cocoon around ourselves today which will elicit a more healthful feeling of body and mind when we are finished.”

Again, Alice felt a glow inside her, able to remember her conversation with JC about wanting to heal in her own cocoon and emerge a strong and beautiful butterfly. She was finally getting her wish and knew she’d be transformed by the end of this.

JC felt Vivienne’s words bounce around in his head, finding it hard to string them together. “Toxins…toxic…mind…Alice,” he was trying to get to. Something about shit in her brain…was this going to help her? Help him? Help him with her? JC let out a sigh, already too overwhelmed to process it all.

“The bee’s symbolism has a long history of representing diligence, social consciousness and spiritual development,” Vivienne continued. “Each of you here can learn something powerful from this tiny creature that will help you navigate as you journey back home.”

With that, the dome above them illuminated into a burst of gold, almost like fireworks silently exploding above them. Instead of them dissipating, however, the flecks of light began to move and swirl slowly. Alice watched in wonderment, definitely sure this was better because she was high.

“According to ancient mythological tales, bees purify and strengthen the soul. That is our purpose here; to cleanse your body and minds and strengthen you to conquer the reasons that brought you to this retreat in the first place.”

The music came back into the forefront as the light show truly began in full force. Alice let her eyes dart around, trying to follow each line of color before it left her peripheral view, like her old screen saver from college. 

“Hello Josh,” Vivienne’s voice found JC’s brain again. “How are you feeling?”

“Godch…” he attempted to speak.

“Josh, for you, there is something special I want you to take as a lesson from the bee,” Vivienne instructed him. “The bee is a symbol of hard work, commitment and resilience. They labor tirelessly for their community and stay persistent until they achieve their goal.”

JC barely noticed as fingers began to caress his hair. “Josh, you are a hard worker and dedicated to your craft. I know you know this but the spark had faded and affected the rest of you, which led you here. Opening up your vishuddha has helped with that but there is still work to do.”

“Bees are known for their collaborative efforts. They live, work and die together. You were once part of a very successful hive that you feel has disintegrated. This is not the case, however and I need you to remember this. Just because you do not share the same space, does not make your connection any less strong. The ability to survive away from the hive is rare for a bee but essential for growth.”

“Just because the look of your collaboration has changed does not make it less effective; it actually makes it more so. You are proud of your skills in your heart, you know you are talented and you like to share your talent with others. No longer do you need to be afraid to share your voice because your community, your hive, your friendships are forever strong.”

JC let the words sink into his brain. Vivienne may have been talking in metaphors and intentionally vague about who she was referring to but his mind once again conjured up visions of his brothers. He’d actually been leaning more on them this week than he had in months, maybe years. And they were there for him, no questions asked…just like they’d always been, just like they’d never stopped being. It felt different but it was still there. JC felt a warm glow of understanding and acceptance run through his body as he finally let his mind realize the truth.

It was well over an hour before Vivienne made her way between JC and Alice, stopping to speak to other guests as she went. Not that either of them realized this or frankly cared. Eventually though, the constant ambient music in Alice’s ears began to fade as Vivienne’s voice took its place.

“Hello Alice, my dear,” Vivienne cooed, her voice as smooth as the honey that was running over and through Alice’s body. “Are you enjoying yourself?”

“So much,” Alice stated dreamily.

“That’s very good,” Vivienne praised her. “Now, your Josh brought up a very good point about the queen bee earlier.” Alice smiled brightly at the words “your Josh”. He was and wasn’t everything she dreamed him to be but he was hers, at least for a little longer.

“The Queen bee’s power has been usurped from her in the populus  by associating her with negative connotations such as being controlling, manipulative and selfish. These are in no way accurate representations and I am here to teach you to harness your inner queen bee, the correct way.”

“The queen bee is a hardworking and disciplined creature. She is a symbol of motherhood and also a reminder to prioritize your emotional and physical growth and change. You are dedicated to your job, to your son and previously to your husband. However, somewhere along the way, you forgot to be dedicated to yourself.”

Alice barely noticed the tear that dripped out of her eye until she felt Vivienne’s finger brush it away. “The queen bee is able to survive and thrive because she has a tight and loyal support system helping her. Without that support, she dies. Humans are very much the same way, but it is our souls and emotions that take the biggest hits.”

“Alice, you are a queen and I need you to remember this always. A queen deserves respect but doesn’t subjugate. She is disciplined yet understanding, reliable and dependable but knows when to ask others for help to get things done. She takes responsibility for her queendom but knows she can not shoulder the burden alone.”

Even bound up tightly, Alice squirmed just enough for Vivienne to know the concept was still too hard for her to fully grasp. “Alice,” Vivienne said a bit more sternly, “you have been working on yourself so much these past few months, especially in your time here. I know you are struggling to know if things are moving in the right direction but I assure you, they are. There is nothing wrong with not seeing the queenliness inside you just yet, but I promise it is there, you just need to be open to it.”

With those words, Alice’s body fell back into its steady relaxation. She knew she deserved respect but the idea of being a queen was too odd an idea, even for her drug addled brain.

“You are prioritizing your growth, Alice. That is true queenly behavior. Channel that energy into all aspects of your life when you get home but, for now, I ask you to truly acknowledge your worth for the continuation of your stay. This means still being thoughtful and kind but learning that it is ok to prioritize your own needs over the needs of others.”

“My needs first…” Alice murmured, trying to let the idea soak in.

“Very good,” Vivienne smiled. “Soon you will understand the crown on your head has always been there. As soon as you see it, others will learn to recognize and respect it.”

Again, some time later, Vivienne addressed the entire crowd as the light show slowly started to fade away. “Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to personally thank you for your time and your trust as you opened your minds and hearts to the deeper meanings behind the small but mighty bee. May you always remember what gifts and lessons the bee can individually give to you and that in this vast and divisive world, you may feel small but you will always be mighty. Namaste.”

The entire group was feeling a sense of renewal and optimism as they were taken back to their changing rooms where they were gently unwrapped and massaged once more to wake up their bodies and minds. Both Alice and JC couldn’t place how they were feeling except to know that something definitely felt different. 

Alice was the first of the two out of the spa and she took in the scenery around her. It was the same as before yet not all at once, like she was looking at it all through a different lense. Part of her knew she had to still be high but some nagging part of her brain didn’t think that was the full story.

JC stumbled out of the spa, the setting sun feeling like it was hurting his eyes. He was absolutely still feeling the effects of the session and Vivienne’s words plus whatever narcotics were in him. He felt good but disoriented and was thankful when he caught sight of Alice.

“Honey, I…honey,” he laughed at his own joke.

“Hey,” Alice said softly, “you ok?”

“Yeah, I’m…I don’t know but I’m ok,” he told her as they slowly walked back to their rooms. “Does everything feel tingly to you?”

“Kind of. It’s like my brain got hit with changing cables and it’s running down my body.”

“You’re good with words,” JC smiled at her.

“You aren’t so bad yourself, Mr. Songwriter.”

“I do ok, I…” JC paused, like something was itching at his brain. “I’m, you know, a hard worker and, ummm, dedicated to my…craft,” he said but made a face. He knew that was true but he felt like he’d heard someone say that before but couldn’t quite place it. 

“It’s nice to hear you acknowledge that,” Alice smiled back. 

“Uh, yeah…you ok?”

“I don’t know. I mean, yes but something’s off…in a good way, I think but off nonetheless. But I feel…ready, to go home. I mean, not like leave now but, prepared, you know.”

“Yeah, I do,” JC acknowledged. While he still wasn’t sure what to do about his album, he felt secure that his friends would help see him through it. 

The duo walked in silence the rest of the way until they made it to their rooms. “You sure you’re ok?” Alice asked again. “You seem a little shaky.”

“Yeah,” JC tried to reassure her. “Still coming down, I think. Or still going through it, I don’t even know anymore.”

“I don’t like the idea of you by yourself if you’re not right yet,” Alice grabbed his hand, running her thumb tenderly over the back. “Why don’t you grab your dinner tray and come over? Let you relax and unwind?”

JC’s eyes widened just a bit at the woman in front of him. He’d seen that look before but he never imagined he’d see it from her. Alice was definitely flirting with him and he didn’t think she really cared about dinner.

“Yeah, uh, I mean, that would be…” JC still wasn’t thinking clearly and didn’t know the right call to make.

“Ok, I’ll give you a few minutes,” Alice leaned in and kissed his cheek.

JC took a deep breath, meaning to say something when his brain began to sputter to a stop again. With Alice that close, he could smell that sweet saccharine honey coming out of her pores. He quickly grabbed her by the shoulders and took another whiff.

Alice held her breath, not sure what was going on but liking it as JC nuzzled his face into her neck. It reminded her of that morning except this time he knew it was her that he was touching.

JC carefully let the tip of his tongue run over Alice’s skin, feeling the goosebumps form underneath as he went. He could feel himself getting intoxicated again and he wanted it; he wanted her. He wanted to lick every inch of her and feed this need inside him, savor the taste of her and feast on where he knew the nectar was the sweetest.

The mental image of his face buried between Alice’s thighs gave JC a jolt as he backed up. Alice eyed him as he shook his head. “Zombie bee,” he murmured.

“All you wanna do is have sex?” Alice chuckled.

“Yes,” JC said so bluntly Alice stopped immediately. JC shook his head yet again. “I can’t…I’m still really fucked up and I can’t let you think the reason anything happened is because I’m inebriated. I don’t want there to be any doubt that when I kiss you, that I mean it.”

“When?” Alice’s eyes grew wide.

“We’ll talk tomorrow,” JC evaded. “I can’t…I want to just…” he pulled her close again and just as quickly pushed her back. “I can’t be near you right now,” he backed away and quickly entered his room, locking the door behind him. 

Alice stared at the closed door for a long moment. She surprisingly didn’t feel dejected, just majorly confused. JC had been right that he…probably both of them, weren’t completely in their right minds at the moment. She was certainly feeling more confident than normal, that was for sure, and she’d wanted to take advantage…of the situation. The tension between them was getting too thick to ignore and Alice knew, if nothing else, she was going to kiss that man before she left.

JC paced the room much like he had the previous night, but instead of anger, this time he felt need. He was forcing himself not to go next door and ravage Alice’s body until she was spent. Once the thought had materialized, it was suddenly all he wanted in the moment but he knew he’d regret it. He’d just said to Justin that morning his feelings for Alice were about their connection and this current hunger inside him was too primal and all about physical desire. He couldn’t do it, not to Alice and especially not to Jen.

Dinner ignored, JC went to the shower where he tried to sober himself up. He tried hard to replay the events of the afternoon but once it got to lunch, everything started to get hazy and near impossible to remember once they had arrived at the spa. JC was alarmed by how not alarmed he was at the lack of memory, realizing he only had spotty flashes of a handful of hours. He hoped sleep and a clear mind would bring them back.

Once he felt like he could trust himself again, JC dried off and got ready for bed. He was about to climb in when he caught sight of his guitar and quickly grabbed it, giving it a few strums. Something felt good about holding it, better than it had in a while. Less daunting.

Don’t size me up

Just say my name

I wanna hear it fall down your chin

Dribble like paint

Say it right

Don’t care what you think

Don’t call me Barbie

Does it look like I own a fucking thing in pink?

JC smiled as the lyrics flowed out of him, moving quickly to write them down. He felt in the zone and decided to keep working on his song and various other ideas that came to mind. It didn’t feel as scatterbrained as it had before, but more free flowing stream of conscience. Sometimes sessions like this led to some real clunkers but other times they were just the right inspiration to make a song from his soul.