Summary: We've never been to any awards shows in matching Ken and Barbie denim. There's never been any pictures of us cuddling in Hawaii on the pages of Us Magazine. But I've always been there. Never spoken of, never written about. But I've always been there. . I'm not famous or internationally known. I'm not a pop icon or a movie star. I'm an ordinary woman. There's not a thing about me that's special. So I really couldn't tell you what always brings him back to me. I don't know why I always welcome him back with open arms.
Disclaimer: I own nothing, I don't know anyone. Please don't sue cause I'm flat broke.
Categories: In Progress Het Stories Characters: Group, JC Chasez, Justin Timberlake
Awards: None
Genres: Angst, Drama, Romance
Challenges: None
Series: None
Chapters: 24 Completed: No
Word count: 135109 Read: 64661
Published: Jul 29, 2007 Updated: Jun 27, 2008
Story Notes:
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
1. Prologue by deebee73
2. Is This the Right Time? by deebee73
3. Back to the Beginning by deebee73
4. Happy Family by deebee73
5. Trick or Treat by deebee73
6. Chapter Five: LIke Father, Like Son by deebee73
7. Chapter Six: Surprise by deebee73
8. We Can't Be Friends by deebee73
9. A Severe Case of Backsliding by deebee73
10. Same Old Sh*t by deebee73
11. Expecting by deebee73
12. Do Unto Others by deebee73
13. Part One: Jonah by deebee73
14. Part Two: Virginia is for Lovers by deebee73
15. You Can Run but You Can't Hide by deebee73
16. Temporary Sanity by deebee73
17. Part One: Always on my Mind by deebee73
18. Part Two: Sign Your Name by deebee73
19. Part Three: Fallen by deebee73
20. Part One: What Goes Up. . . . by deebee73
21. Part Two: . . . .Must Come Down by deebee73
22. All Trick and No Treat by deebee73
23. Walk Away Part One by deebee73
24. Walk Away Part Two by deebee73
Author's Notes:
Once upon a time, this was intended to be a short story, but inspiration struck and I realized that these characters had a lot to say. A whole lot to say.
Warnings: Sexual situations and foul language. My JT has dirty mouth, lol.
Just Can't Say No
Prologue
We've never been to any awards shows in matching Ken and Barbie denim. There's never been any pictures of us cuddling in Hawaii on the pages of Us Magazine. But I've always been there. Never spoken of, never written about. But I've always been there. As clever and intrusive as the press can be, somehow they've never managed to unearth me. I'm not famous or internationally known. I'm not a pop icon or a movie star. I'm an ordinary woman. There's not a thing about me that's special. So I really couldn't tell you what always brings him back to me. I don't know why I always welcome him back with open arms.
I tell myself that every time will be the last time. That the next time he calls, I'll just hang up. But I can never do it. Something about the sound of his voice melts all of my resolve.
It's after eleven on a Saturday night when he calls. There's a storm brewing outside and I'm listening to a cd and drinking white wine. As soon as the phone rings, somehow, I know that it's him.
I stare at the phone, willing it to stop ringing. But it doesn't. I hold out as long as I can, but eventually I have to pick it up. "Hello?"
"Can I come over?" No hello. No how are you. No introduction of any kind. Just the same question as always. But it's not really a question, is it?
"You can't even bother to say hello?"
When he speaks again, his voice is softer, lower. "I'm sorry, baby. I just really need to see you. Is it alright?" I can almost feel his words like a whisper of breath against my skin.
"I don't know if that's a good idea."
"Please, Kayla. You don't know how much I've missed you."
I let out the deep breath I've been holding and do what I always do. I give in. "Fine."
"Alright. I'm just up the road. See you in a few."
I hang up the phone and go check out my reflection in the mirror. Just to look at me, no one would ever guess that I was so weak. I splash myself with water, hoping to take some of the flush from my light brown cheeks. I smooth my disheveled brown hair back into a ponytail and have just enough time to put on a little lip gloss before I hear the knock at my door.
I wait a second, trying to collect myself before I finally swing the door open. Every time, it's like seeing him for the first time all over again. His bright blue eyes sweep over me in a knowing way and I have to suppress the full body shiver this causes.
I don't say anything, I just step aside to give him room to come in.
"You look good Kay." He raises his hand and lets his fingertips graze my jaw. "Sometimes I forget how absolutely beautiful you are."
I swipe his hand away from my face and fold my arms across my chest. "Why are you here, Justin?"
"I told you. I just needed to see you."
"Why?"
"I didn't want to be alone tonight."
"If you want company, why don't you go and see your real girlfriend? You know. The woman that you're not ashamed to be seen with in public."
"Why would you say something like that, Kayla? I'm not ashamed to be seen with you."
"Oh, then I guess my invitation to every important event that's taken place in your life for the past six years must have gotten lost in the mail."
"It's not like that."
"Then why don't you tell me what it's like."
He takes a step closer to me and I back up. "I didn't come here to argue with you, baby."
"I'm not your baby. And I think we both know why you came here tonight."
He lets out a harsh, humorless laugh. "You think I just came here for sex? Sweetheart, I could get a piece of ass anywhere, anytime, from anyone that I wanted."
"Really? Then maybe you should do that, cause I'm not going to sleep with you. I'm tired of being a glorified booty call for you."
"You know I don't think of you that way. We don't have to do anything. I just need to be with you."
"Why do you keep saying that?"
"Because it's true. No one makes me feel the way that you do. No one knows what I want and what I need the way that you do."
This time when he steps towards me, I don't move away. He hugs me and lays his head against my shoulder. "I've missed you so fucking much. It tears me up when we're apart."
"Who's fault is that Justin? I'm always here. You're the one that disappears for months at a time. While you're off globe trotting with the love of your life, I'm stuck here wondering if I'm ever going to hear from you again. How do you think that makes me feel?"
He lifts his head and stares into my eyes. "She is not the love of my life. Sometimes I can't even stand to be around her. We argue all the time."
I shrug out of his embrace and go to sit on the sofa. I reach over to the coffee table and pour myself another glass of wine. "Is that supposed to make me feel better?"
He doesn't even bother to answer me. He just strides into my kitchen and roots around in the refrigerator, helping himself to a beer. He gets the bottle opener from a drawer and takes a long sip, before coming back into the living room and sitting down beside me.
The storm must be picking up because I can hear the rain pounding against the roof. Justin puts his beer down next to my wine glass and goes over to the stereo. He flips through my cd collection until he finds the one he's looking for. I already know what it's going to be even before I hear the first note. Al Green's Greatest Hits comes to life in my cd player. He is so fucking predictable.
He comes back over to me, grabs his beer and sits down.
"What are you doing in Atlanta? And please don't bother to say that you just came to see me. We both know that's a lie."
"I'm working with Dallas Austin. I've also been trying to get a hold of T.I. I've got a track that I want him to rhyme on."
I don't bother to hide the smirk that rises to my lips. "Still trying to win over that urban fanbase, huh? Imagine how much street cred you'd get if they knew that you occasionally fuck an honest to god black woman."
"Why are you giving me this attitude Kay?"
"You're sitting here like everything is just perfect. Do you even realize that it's been almost five months since I've seen you or heard from you?"
"That's not exactly true. Didn't you get the postcards I sent?"
"Are you serious? Was I supposed to be appeased by a few measly postcards? Postcards that you sent me while you were on vacation in Hawaii with that bitch."
"I was thinking of you."
"That's pretty pathetic, even for you."
"I'm sorry that I can't be with you more often, it's just not possible right now. But don't I take good care of you? I bought you this house and a nice car. I make sure that you have everything that you could ever want or need."
"Do you want a cookie? Given the circumstances, buying this house and throwing a few dollars my way is the least that you can do. But I've never wanted your money Justin. I just want you."
"I'm here now. Isn't there some way I can make things up to you?" He leans into me and traces my ear with the tip of his tongue. "I'd do anything for you, you know that."
He starts kissing my neck and I can feel his fingers creeping under my skirt. His soft, warm hand brushing against my thigh. I sit there paralyzed by his touch. Everything about him is like an aphrodisiac to me. The way he kisses, the feel of his skin, even the way he smells. It all turns me on so much. I gather what remains of my pride and self control and push him away.
"So that's it. You show up here with a bunch of 'please baby please' bullshit, cue up the slow jams, nibble on my neck and I guess my legs are just supposed to fall open for you. Is that the way you think it works?"
He falls back against the sofa with a sour look on his face. "That's the way it usually works."
I stand up and walk around the coffee table. "That's it. I want you to get up and get the fuck out of here. Right now."
He jumps up and starts yelling. "This is my motherfucking house. I don't have to go any damn where."
"Will you keep your voice down? What's wrong with you, yelling like that?"
His anger deflates instantly. "I'm sorry. Please Kayla."
"I don't want to hear it Justin. You may have paid for this house, but it's still mine and I want you to leave."
He places his hand on my chin and tilts my head up, forcing me to meet his eyes. "Is that what you really want?"
"Yes." My voice sounds weak and unconvincing even to my own ears.
"I don't believe you. I think you want me to stay." He leans in and presses his mouth to my ear. "You know I can make it good for you baby. Please let me make love to you Kayla. Please, I need you."
A loud clap of thunder tears through the sky and suddenly the whole house goes dark. I pull away and make my way into the kitchen with Justin following close behind me. I feel around in the drawers until I find a flashlight, some candles and a book of matches. I take the flashlight and Justin starts lighting candles.
"I'll be right back. I need to make sure everything's okay."
A guilty look comes over Justin's face. "Do you want me to go with you?"
"Absolutely not."
I step to the back of the house and check on. . .well, I check on everything. When I get back to the kitchen, Justin has all the candles lit. He looks at me and something in his eyes takes all the fight out of me. I know this is stupid. I know that he's just using me, but still I want him. I want him so much that I can't keep trying to deny it. I'm going to hate myself in the morning, but that's not enough to stop me from sleeping with him tonight.
I pick up two candles from the counter and start walking towards my bedroom. I don't have to look to know that Justin is right behind me. I put the candles I'm carrying on the bureau and Justin puts his on my bedside table. I shut my door and we just stand in the middle of the room looking at each other in the flickering candlelight.
Justin tucks his fingers into the band of my skirt and pulls me closer to him. He catches my lips in a kiss that tears the breath right from my body. He slips his hands around my waist and slowly slides down my zipper. He pushes my skirt until it falls away from my full hips and lands at my feet in a puddle.
I drop my hands down to his waist and unbuckle his belt. The baggy jeans he's wearing slide off his slim hips as soon as I unzip them. He toes off his tennis shoes and steps out of the jeans almost at the same time.
He pulls his mouth away from mine just long enough to pull my shirt over my head. He lets out a soft sigh in appreciation of the fact that I'm not wearing a bra. He cups my breasts in his hands, kneading them softly, rubbing slow circles around my nipples.
I run my hand against the outline of his erection and he releases a long, low moan into my mouth. He ends our kiss and leads me over to the bed. He puts his hands on my shoulders and gently pushes me until I sit down. I lean back and prop myself up on my elbows.
Justin kneels in front of me and hooks his fingers into my underwear, slowly peeling them off. I raise my hips slightly aiding him in the removal. He runs his hands up my thighs, parting them as he goes. He lowers himself between my legs until all I can see is the top of his head. He spreads me open with his fingers and licks his way deep within my folds. I bite my bottom lip in an effort to stifle the scream that wants to explode from my mouth. He licks, sucks, and teases his way around my aching center. Using his lips, fingers and tongue to drive me over the edge.
Justin stands up and slides off his boxers, giving me time to catch my breath and recover from the intense pleasure coursing through my body. I move over to the center of the bed and he joins me. He crawls over my body, placing hot, wet kisses on every inch of skin he encounters. I smooth my hands over the sleek low cut hair that's hugging his head and pull him down into a kiss. I slip my tongue between his slightly parted lips and slide it against his. Our bodies are grinding together and I can feel how much he wants me.
He takes his kiss from my mouth to my jaw line. He reaches over to my bedside table and pulls a condom out of the drawer. His breath is warm and comforting against my skin when he whispers in my ear. "How do you want it?"
I look up into his beautiful blue eyes and all independent thought flies from my head. I barely even recognize my own voice when I answer him. "Whatever you want."
He flips me over and I automatically position myself on all fours. He moves behind me and I can hear the condom packet being ripped. His arms slides around my waist and I can feel him pressing against my opening. He thrusts against me and my wetness allows him to enter me fully, with just one stroke.
Justin moves in me, thrusting in a steady rhythm. He firmly cradles my hips in his hands as he rides me from behind. I can feel him bend over my back. His breath against my shoulders. The warm wetness of his tongue sweeping up the curve of my spine.
He clutches me against his chest with one hand, while the other begins a downward journey. His hand travels down my stomach, inching further and further until he finds what he's looking for. His thrusts are still controlled but come faster and harder, while he strokes my clitoris with his thumb. I can feel my inner muscles clenching and fluttering around him and I know that I am so close.
"I love you Kayla. I love you so much."
His words are my undoing. I come all around him, his name tripping off my lips. "Oh god, Justin. I love you too."
He continues to move inside of me until I can feel him trembling against my back. His own orgasm working its way through his body. He slides out of me and gently eases me back down to the bed. He kisses the crook of my neck and then gets off the bed.
"Be right back." He goes into the bathroom and closes the door behind him.
I turn over onto my back and pull the covers up over my body. Seconds later Justin comes back and slides into bed beside me. He pulls my head onto his chest and lightly strokes his fingers through my hair. The rain seems to have lessened to just a light patter tapping against the windows.
"I know I haven't been a good man Kayla. But I really do care about you. You believe me, don't you?"
After all he's put me through, how can I believe that? But when I look up into his eyes, I just can't say no. "Yes, Justin. I believe you."
I lay my head against his chest and fall asleep to the steady beating of his heart.
******************************************************************************
The first thing I see when my eyes flutter open is the blown out candles on my bedside table. I don't have to feel around on the bed to know that there is only an empty space beside me. I know that Justin is long gone. All traces of him removed like he was never here at all.
I look at my alarm clock for the time but it's stuck at a quarter to twelve. That's when I remember that the lights went out last night. I look at my watch and see that it's actually a little after five in the morning. I try to close my eyes again, but I know that there's no use. I won't be getting back to sleep now.
I drag myself to the kitchen and a piece of paper on the middle of my table, catches my eye.
"Kayla,
You know I want to be with you. It's just not the right time. I don't think I'm at a point in my career or my life where I can make things work with you. I don't know how to be the kind of man that you need right now. But I swear that one day I'll make it up to you. Both of you. For right now, please believe me when I tell you that you're all I think about. I love you. I've always loved you.
--Justin
I crumple the note in my hands. I try to hold back the tears I feel coming on, but I just can't. I put my head down on the kitchen table and loud sobs tear through my body. I don't know how long I sit there crying my eyes out, before I can feel a small hand on my back. I sit up and discretely try to wipe away some of my tears.
"Jonah, honey. Why are you up so early?"
"I heard you crying, mommy."
I rake my fingers across his golden brown curls. "I'm sorry sweetie. I didn't mean to wake you up."
"Why you crying? Somebody hurt you?"
"No baby. I hurt myself. Sometimes your mommy is kind of stupid."
Jonah shakes his head. "Nuh uh. You're the smartest girl I know."
I pull Jonah into my lap and kiss his forehead. "I think that may be the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me."
He wraps his chubby little arms around my neck and whispers in my ear. "Love you, mommy."
"I love you too baby. It's still early, why don't you go back to sleep?"
"I don't wanna go back to my room. Can I lay down with you mommy?"
"Jonah, you know you need to sleep in your own bed." I stand up from the table with my sweet baby boy cradled in my arms. I'm heading towards his room when he turns to me with a pout on his face.
"Please, mommy."
"Okay. But this is the last time." I change direction and start walking to my own room. Jonah kisses my cheek and rests his head against my shoulder.
I know that I should be firmer with him, but I can't. Sometimes I look into his big blue eyes, eyes so much like his father's. And I just can't say no.
Is This the Right Time? by deebee73
Chapter One: Is This The Right Time?
May 2006
I've read the note that Justin left me so many times over the past few days, that the paper has become soft and worn; filled with folds and creases because I continually ball it up, then I turn right around and straighten it out again. I keep meaning to tear it up and throw it away, but instead I find myself tracing the words on the paper, wondering if I should bother to believe what he says or if this is just another of his empty promises. I wonder if that right time he always talks about is ever going to come.
I'm sitting outside, pouring over the note once more when I can hear the jingling of keys and my patio door being opened. I quickly fold the piece of paper and shove it into my pocket.
"Where's my boy?" The sound of that voice always brings a smile to my face.
"Jonah's out on a play date. And don't you knock anymore?"
"Why should I knock when I have a key?"
"Which reminds me, why exactly do you need a key to my house?"
"It's all in the godfather handbook. I need this key for emergencies."
I stand to give my visitor a hug, then drop back into my chair. "Emergencies, huh? What's that you're trying to hide behind your back?"
"Nothing."
"Chasez, that had better not be another toy."
A big grin spreads out over his face. "I couldn't help myself."
"You are going to spoil that child. You can't keep showing up here with presents all the time."
"I'm not trying to spoil him. I just figure he needs at least one positive, consistent male figure in his life and we both know who it's not gonna be."
"JC, don't start. I can't have this argument with you today." He puts his bag down and takes a seat across from me.
He studies my face briefly and I can tell he knows what the deal is. "Kay, please tell me that you didn't let him do it to you again."
I hold my head down as a fresh surge of shame rushes through me. "I didn't mean to. But he showed up the other night and he just. . .I don't know. He told me that he needed me."
"Kayla you are too smart for this shit. Why do you let him treat you like that?"
"I don't know. Do you think I'm proud of the way I behave around him? Because I'm not. I just don't know how to stop."
"Did he even bother to spend any time with his child or did he just hit it and bounce?"
"Jonah was asleep when he got here."
"Well maybe if all of his visits didn't take place after dark, Jonah would be awake."
"Justin's working on his new cd. I'm sure he's really busy during the day."
"Don't you dare sit there and make excuses for him. He treats you like shit and he almost completely ignores his child."
"JC, you know that Justin takes good care of me and Jonah."
"Don't parrot his lines back to me. I've heard them before and they don't mean anything. Anybody can whip out a checkbook. It takes a real man to actually be there and be a father."
"You don't understand. I love him. I try not to, but I can't stop loving him."
JC closes his eyes and lets out a sigh. "I wouldn't expect you to just stop loving him. I'm just asking you to love yourself more. If you can't do it for you, do it for Jonah. Doesn't he deserve better?"
"Justin is a good father."
JC lets out a derisive laugh. "When he's around. And that's next to never. Look me in the eye and answer one question. Would you rather have that Expedition that's parked in your garage or a man that didn't treat you and your son like an afterthought?"
I can't even bring myself to answer that question.
"You don't have to say anything. I already know the answer. I'm trying to understand this from your point of view, but I just can't. You promised me that you wouldn't sleep with him again."
"I didn't mean to, but he told me that he loved me."
JC clenches his jaw. "When I think of the way that he plays you, I seriously want to kick his ass."
"Don't say things like that. I feel like I'm the reason that you two don't get along anymore. You used to be so close."
"You're not to blame. How can I hang out and have fun with him knowing some of the things he's done? We're no longer friends because he's not the same person."
"Everybody goes through changes."
"Yeah, but all of his changes have been for the worse." JC leans towards me and takes my hands into his. "You know that you don't have to put up with this. I adore Jonah. I couldn't love him more if he was my own. I would help you take care of him." He pauses and looks deeply into my eyes. "I'd take care of both of you the way that you deserve."
My front door slams shut and then I can hear Justin's voice carrying through the house.
"I know this is a good neighborhood, but that doesn't mean you can just leave the door unlocked. You never know what kind of person could come wandering in."
I slip my hands out of JC's grasp and he leans back in his chair with a defeated slump to his shoulders. JC's voice has an edge to it when he speaks. "Yeah, look what just came through the door."
I turn around to Justin and he's standing there with Jonah on his hip. "Justin, what are you doing here?"
He gives JC a suspicious glance before answering me. "What do you think I'm doing here? I ran into Rachel outside while she was bringing Jonah back."
Jonah starts to struggle in Justin's arms. "Uncle Josh!" He excitedly scrambles away from Justin and runs into JC's arms.
JC scoops him up and spins him around. "Hey big man. You miss me?"
"Yeah. Did you bring me something?"
"Maybe. Why don't you look in that bag over there?" JC lowers Jonah to the floor and he immediately runs out to the patio. He dives into the Toys R Us bag and pulls out a remote control fire truck.
He comes back into the house and hugs JC's legs. "Thanks, Uncle Josh. Wanna play with me?"
JC bends down to Jonah's level to answer him, but Justin cuts in before he can say anything. "Jonah, I think Uncle Josh is gonna need to be moving on. Real soon. But I can play with you."
Jonah looks up at his father with a mixture of doubt and hope shining in his eyes. "Really?"
Justin ruffles Jonah's hair, but never takes his eyes off JC. "Of course I will. Why don't you take your truck on back to your room? Uncle Josh and I need to have a little talk. Then I'll be right there. I promise."
"Okay." Jonah heads towards his room and turns to wave goodbye to JC over his shoulder.
I can tell by the increasingly nasty look on Justin's face that this is about to turn into an ugly scene, but at least he has the decency to wait until we can hear Jonah's door shut.
"Wow, Uncle Josh. You sure did look surprised to see me." Justin's voice is dripping with sarcasm.
"I was surprised. I didn't know you were capable of showing up here before nightfall. Besides, you already got what you usually come for. I didn't think you'd be back so soon."
Justin shoots me a look and I know he'll tear into me later for telling JC our personal business. "My woman and my child are here. I can come and go as I please. I'd like to know what brings you here."
"First of all, you've got a lot of nerve referring to Kayla as 'your woman'. And second, unlike you I don't have to have an ulterior motive for coming here."
Justin licks his lips and lets out a laugh. "No ulterior motives? Who are you trying to fool?"
JC nervously cuts his eyes to me before looking back to Justin. "I don't know what you're talking about man."
"Bullshit. You know exactly what I'm talking about. You've always been jealous of me. Kayla and Jonah are just two more things that belong to me that you want for yourself."
"Fuck you, Justin."
"Come on now, Uncle Josh, I'm not the person in this room that you want to fuck. Now am I?"
Justin and JC are steadily moving closer to each other and I can tell by the looks on their faces that it probably won't be too long before they start throwing punches. It wouldn't be the first time.
I step between them and place my hands on their chests, pushing them apart. "I'm tired of the two of you talking about me like I'm not even in the room. And you're both crazy if you think I'm going to let you have a fistfight in this house."
Justin and JC reluctantly back away from each other, but their fists remain clenched at their sides, ready to strike.
"Justin, why can't you just leave Kay alone. You know that you can't give her what she needs."
"I give Kay what she needs in ways that you will never be able to." Justin pulls out his cockiest grin. "No matter how much you might want to."
JC lets out an exasperated puff of air as he smooths his hair back from his forehead. "Kayla, you need to ask one of us to leave. Because if I keep standing here, I'm gonna knock that smug look right off his face."
Justin straightens up to his full height, accentuating the few inches he has over JC. "I'd like to see you try."
"Am I supposed to be afraid of you?"
Justin makes a beckoning gesture. "Come get some."
"That's enough." I move completely between them and put my hand on JC's arm. "I think it might be better if you left."
Anger and disappointment have turned his normally kind eyes an icy, silvery blue. "Fine. If that's what you really want."
I trail behind him as he makes his way to the door. "Kayla, I'm gonna be in town for the next couple of weeks. Call me if you need me." He leans in and places a kiss on my cheek before leaving.
When I turn back to Justin he doesn't even bother to try and hide the triumphant look on his face. "Justin, you had no right to talk to JC that way. He's always welcome here. He's supposed to be one of your best friends. You're the one that asked him to be Jonah's godfather."
"He used to be one of my best friends. You shouldn't just let him come in and out of this house as he sees fit. It gives him ideas."
I can see that we're not going to have a reasonable conversation about JC, so I decide to change the subject. "Justin, what are you doing back here?"
"I got back to my hotel and realized I hadn't even bothered to stick my head in Jonah's door and take a look at him. I came here, slept with you and I just left. I felt like a dick. Not just about that night, about a lot of things."
He comes closer to me and wraps his arms around my waist. "I meant every word of that note, but I should have been man enough to say it to your face. I know you don't have any reason to believe me, but I really do want to be with you. I want me, you and Jonah to be a real family. It's gonna take me a while to right all the wrongs I've made, but I'm willing to try."
"I can't keep doing this with you Justin. You get my hopes up and then you let me down every last time."
"It's gonna be different. I promise." He pulls me into a hug that is tight and all encompassing. He's holding on to me like a lifeline. Like he really does need me. "I love you Kayla. You're the only real thing in my life. I don't know what I'd do without you."
This is the thing that I will never get JC or anyone else to understand. Justin can be an asshole ninety eight percent of the time. But then there's that other two percent. That other two percent of the time he can be so kind and his love feels so good that I forget what he's like the rest of the time.
I can hear the keening whine of the siren on Jonah's fire truck coming through the hallway. "Can you play now, daddy?"
Justin gives me a peck on the lips and lets me go. He scoops Jonah up and lifts him high above his head. Then he kisses him on the forehead before letting him go.
I think about the last six years of my life and I wonder how I let myself get into this situation. I have a son that sees his father on tv more often than he sees him in person. I have no personal life to speak of. I don't date. I hardly ever go out with my friends. I don't even work anymore. My career has fallen by the wayside. All of my ambition is gone.
It would be easy to put all the blame on Justin, but I know this isn't his fault. The one thing I've learned in life is that people will treat you however you let them treat you. I let Justin disrespect me and ignore his child. I'm as much to blame for that as he is.
I guess the real question isn't how I got in this situation, but why I let it continue. But standing here now watching Justin chase Jonah all over the house, running and laughing like a child himself; the answer to that question comes through loud and clear.
No matter what happens there is always a part of me that remembers what Justin was like when I first met him. Despite all the changes he's gone through over the years, I can always look in his eyes and find the person that I fell in love with.
Even at times when I want to slap him, that cocky, sweet charming, guy that I met six years ago is always lurking right beneath the surface, begging me to give him another chance.
Back to the Beginning by deebee73
Chapter Two: Back to the Beginning
August 2000
If I hadn't let Rachel talk me into one of her stupid celebrity stalking adventures, I never would have met him in the first place. What I had wanted to do that night was stay at home and watch tv, but instead I ended up hanging out in a loud, sweaty, dark ass club while she tried to catch a glimpse of some group I didn't even know anything about.
We didn't actually go to the show because she didn't want to get caught up with a bunch of screaming teenagers. But she knew some of the guys that worked at the venue and they got us backstage, where she charmed every roadie and security person she came across until someone told us where the after party was supposed to be.
As soon as Rachel and I hit the door, she was positive she saw one of the guys in the group and she took off in his direction like a bloodhound tracking a wounded deer. She left me without a second thought, which explains how I ended up sitting at the bar being hit on by a brother without a clue. He had hit me with every lame pick up line in the book. Each one more played out than the one before it.
He propped his elbow on the bar and leaned in close to me. "I'd better call heaven and see if they're missing an angel." Then he grinned at me with a grill full of gold, like that was the smoothest thing anyone had ever said.
Needless to say I had reached the end of my rope with him. "That line is so old, my grandfather got it from his grandfather. Can you please go bother someone else? I'm not interested."
"Come on now. What's a brother got to do to get just one dance?"
I had tried to be nice. I had tried to be direct. I was two seconds from pulling out my pepper spray, when a smooth male voice intervened on my behalf.
"Hey partner, the girl said she's not interested. Why don't you give it up?"
"What's it to you?"
"Nothing yet. But we can make it something if you want to."
"Forget this. You're not the only woman in this club. If you'd rather be with Vanilla Ice, fine by me." My would be suitor picked up his drink and headed to the other end of the bar.
I turned to face my savior and he was not exactly what I was expecting.. He was wearing a baby blue Sean John sweater and a pair of baggy, faded Phat Farm jeans. The Nikes on his feet were so fresh and clean they seemed to gleam in the dim light of the club. His hair was in corn rows in a zig zag pattern and he had huge diamond studs in both his ears. Everything about him screamed money including the big gaudy necklace that dangled from his neck. He had a baby face, but the crooked smile that graced his lips took some of the innocence from his look. And he had the most beautiful blue eyes I'd ever seen.
"You don't have to thank me. I just saw a beautiful girl being hassled and I figured it would be the gentlemanly thing to do to come to your rescue."
I could tell by the few words he'd spoken that he wasn't lacking in attitude or ego.
"I hadn't planned to thank you. This girl is a woman and she's perfectly capable of handling her own business."
"Slow down Sister Souljah. I meant no disrespect. I just saw that guy giving you the full court press and it looked like you could use some help."
Something about his smile and his soft spoken voice instantly put me at ease. "Sorry. I just don't want to be here. I shouldn't be taking it out on you."
He slid onto the bar stool next to me. "If you don't want to be here, why are you?"
"I came with my roommate. She found out that some group she likes was supposed to come here after their concert and she figured she could run into them. I just came to make sure she didn't get into too much trouble."
"Is that a fact? What group is it?"
"I don't know. Backdoor Boys, 58 Degrees, something like that. A bunch of white boys shaking their behinds and ripping off New Edition and The Jackson Five. No offense."
"None taken."
"I mean all those groups look exactly the same to me. There's a funny one, a shy one, the flirty one, the so called deep one and then you have to have the cute one. I think they have some sort of factory where they just churn them out, then unleash them on the world with sequined pants and a lifetime supply of hair gel."
He let out a loud, silly laugh. "I don't think I've ever heard that before. Here you are giving me all your best boy band conspiracy theories and I don't even know your name."
"I'm Kayla James." I extended my hand to him and instead of shaking it, he just held on to it. "This is the part where you should introduce yourself."
"Oh I'm going to. I'm just trying to figure out which one I must be." He turned his smirk up full blast. "Based on your descriptions, I guess I must be the cute one."
I could feel the heat rise to my cheeks and I know they must have been blazing. "Oh no. You mean you're one of them."
"Yeah. I'm Justin."
"Oh god. I am so sorry. I am so embarrassed right now."
"Calm down girl. It's not a big deal. People have said a lot worse things. Trust me."
"I feel like a total ass."
"Buy me a drink and we can pretend that the whole thing never happened."
"You think you're slick, don't you? You just let me sit here running off at the mouth."
"I thought you were funny. It's not often that I get to talk to someone that isn't trying to kiss my ass. It was refreshing."
"What are you doing out here with the regular folks? Shouldn't you be in VIP, sipping on Cristal?"
"It was boring as hell in VIP. Besides if I stayed stuck back there all night, I wouldn't have met you."
Just as I was about to ask him what he wanted to drink, Rachel came running up, dragging some guy behind her. I could tell what she had been doing by the blush on her normally pale cheeks and the way her long red hair had been tossed.
"I was looking all over for you Kay. I want you to meet Joey. Joey, this is my best friend Kay."
Joey didn't bother to shake my hand. He just leaned over and planted a loud kiss on my cheek.
"I see you already met a friend of mine." Joey pointed to Justin, and Rachel finally noticed him sitting beside me. Her green eyes got so big, I thought they were going to roll right out of her head.
"Will you guys excuse us for a second?" Rachel pulled me off the barstool and led me to the ladies room.
"Kay, do you have any idea who that guy is?"
"Yeah. He said his name was Justin. He seems nice."
"Nice? Is that all you have to say? You are being hit on by Justin Timberlake and that's all you have to say?"
"He wasn't really hitting on me. We were just talking."
"You are so clueless. I can't believe that I had to make you come here and you end up getting with Justin Timberlake."
"Would you stop calling him by his whole name? And I'm not getting with him. We were just talking. Nothing's gonna happen with him."
"Are you sure? Cause it would really help me if you could keep yourself occupied for a few hours."
"What does that mean?"
"Joey invited me back to his hotel room."
"What am I supposed to be doing while you're with him?"
"I don't know."
"At this point, you're on your own. I'll leave the car here, but I'm getting a cab and going home."
"Please don't leave me. What if this guy turns out to be a nut? I need you to have my back."
"Rachel, you should have thought of that before you threw yourself at someone that you don't know anything about."
"Please Kay. Pretty please."
"I want to go home, Rach."
"I promise to do your laundry and wash all the dishes for a month."
"Fine."
Rachel gave me a big hug. "Thank you so much."
We got back to the bar and Rachel wandered off with Joey to let security know they were ready to leave. I sat back down next to Justin.
"So, it looks like my friend and your friend are hitting it off pretty well."
"That's the polite way to put it."
"What are you gonna do while they're hooking up?"
"I don't know. I guess I could hang out in the hotel lobby or the bar. Hopefully no one will mistake me for a prostitute."
"You don't have to do that. You can come to my room if you want."
I looked down at the hoochified low cut top and mini skirt that Rachel had talked me into wearing and it crossed my mind what kind of woman he probably thought I was.
I turned and looked him straight in the eye. "Maybe the fact that my friend is obviously making herself available to your friend has given you the wrong idea about me. So let me just make one thing perfectly clear. If you're looking to get laid, you're barking up the wrong tree. You're cute and all, but I don't sleep with guys that I don't know."
"There are women all over this club and camped out all around our hotel, that would sleep with me if I snapped my fingers in their direction. I don't need to trick women into coming to my room. I'm not trying to pull a fast one on you."
"I still don't know if it's a good idea."
"I swear on my mother's life that I will be a perfect gentleman."
There was genuine sincerity in his voice and his eyes. And it's not like I really had a lot of choices. "Alright. Thank you."
"Besides, I saw that pepper spray in your purse. I'm not trying to get jacked up."
I gave him a playful push on the shoulder and he treated me to one of the most beautiful smiles I'd ever seen.
Thankfully the ride back to the hotel was a short one. Rachel and Joey were all hands, practically sitting in each other's laps in the limo. Justin and I were sitting across from them so it was kind of hard to miss the show they were putting on.
At one point I guess they forgot we were there because Joey stuck both his hands straight up the front of Rachel's shirt.
Justin took notice of the uncomfortable look on my face and kicked Joey in the leg. "How about a little respect, man?"
Joey eased his hands out of Rachel's shirt and gave me a sheepish grin. "Sorry."
All during the ride, I could see Justin trying to stare at me on the sly. His eyes wandered around my cleavage, then up one leg and down the other. He was definitely checking me out. I still hadn't planned to let him lay a hand on me, but I was flattered by the attention.
Finally we got back to the hotel. Their bodyguards formed a wall around us so that we could get past the crowds of screaming girls waiting outside. As soon as we got upstairs, Rachel gave me a wave over her shoulder and disappeared into Joey's room.
Justin stepped to one of the rooms across the hall and held the door open for me. They were staying at the Ritz and the suite he was in was absolutely beautiful.
"This is quite a room."
Justin dropped his keycard down on the coffee table and let out a slight chuckle. "Yeah, I guess it is. You should have seen some of the places we used to stay in. We were lucky if the heat worked and there were enough blankets that we didn't have to sleep two to a bed."
He pulled his sweater over his head and threw it across the chair in the corner. He was wearing a white wifebeater under the sweater and it was obvious that he spent a healthy amount of time at the gym.
I know he must have seen me giving him the once over, but he never said anything about it. "Make yourself comfortable. Do you want something to drink?"
"Yeah. A coke's fine."
He stepped over to the mini bar and filled two glasses with ice. He split a can of Coke between the two glasses, then added a generous splash of rum to one of them. He came over and handed me the plain coke.
I took a closer look at him in the bright lights of the hotel room and for the first time it occurred to me that he might not even be legal. "Are you old enough to be drinking that?"
He smirked at me and raised the glass to his lips. "Old enough."
"How old?"
"I'm nineteen."
"You seem older. The way you carry yourself."
"Thanks."
"Before you ask, I'm twenty two."
"I wasn't gonna ask. One, it's rude to ask a woman her age and two, it doesn't matter."
He hadn't done anything but look at me, but I could feel myself becoming aroused by him. I put my drink down and walked over to the window, so that I could put some distance between us.
His room looked out over the twinkling lights of the Atlanta skyline. "The view is beautiful."
"Yes it is." I jumped at the sound of his voice. I hadn't even heard him move, but he was standing close enough behind me that I could feel the heat coming from his body.
I turned around to face him and again his eyes locked right on to mine. I could feel his gaze like a prickling heat rising up off my skin.
"So. We're probably going to be here for awhile. Do you want to do something?"
He raised one of his straight, thick eyebrows and licked his lips. "Something like what?"
The devilish tone of his voice was obvious. I put my hands against his chest to back him up a little bit. "Maybe we could watch tv."
"Okay." He slid his hand down my arm and linked my fingers with his. Then he started leading me to the back of the suite.
"Hold up. Where are you taking me?"
"The tv is in the bedroom. I like to watch while I'm laying down. That's not a problem is it?"
"No." Of course the bedroom was as gorgeously decorated as the rest of the suite. There was a huge tv against the wall and in the middle of the room, sat the biggest bed I'd ever seen in my life.
As a matter of fact the tv and the bed took up so much space, that there wasn't room for anything else, like a chair. "Where am I supposed to sit?"
"Last time I checked there was a really big bed right in the middle of the room. I told you, you can trust me. Just sit down."
I perched on the edge of the bed and started looking around for the remote. Justin started mumbling under his breath and furiously scratching his head.
"What's wrong with you?"
"These mother�“. I mean these corn rows."
I thought it was cute, the way he tried to stop himself from cursing so much, but the truth is Justin has a dirty mouth. He had one then and he still has it now. It's funny to remember a time when he tried so hard not to curse in front of me. Now, not only will he curse in front of me, he's actually cursed me out a few times.
"What's the matter with your braids?"
"For one thing, everybody I know has dogged me out for getting them done and right now, they are itching like a son of a-." He stopped again. "They itch. I think they're too tight. I'm just gonna get them undone tomorrow. I'd do it myself, but I'm too tired to fool with them tonight."
"I'll undo them for you."
"Really?"
"Yeah. It won't take that long and I don't have anything else to do."
"Are you sure?"
"Honestly, I don't mind. Hand me a comb." He went to the corner of the room and dug around in the duffle bag sitting there. He came up with a wide toothed comb and gave it to me.
"You don't know what my hair looks like when it's loose, do you?"
"No."
"I didn't think so. I don't think that comb is going to be much use to you." He sat down on the floor with his back to me. I pulled him towards me and I could have sworn that I felt an actual shock when his bare shoulder brushed against my leg.
As I slowly started to unwind his braids, I began to see what he meant about his hair. That comb would have done more harm than good. I don't even know why he had it. I just used my fingers instead. His hair was a mass of whirling curls and felt so soft under my hands. By the time I got the last of the braids undone, his eyes were closed and his softly stubbled cheek was resting against my knee.
I smoothed his hair back from his face and gave him a gentle tap on the shoulder. "Wake up. I'm done."
His eyes opened with a sudden fluttering of his long lashes. "I wasn't asleep." When he stood up and stretched his shirt rode up just a little bit, revealing a sliver of his tanned, muscled stomach.
He mussed his hands through his hair and gave me a sweet smile. "I must look like a mess."
I could tell by the way that he said it, that he knew exactly what he looked like. That whole false modesty, aw shucks you think I'm cute thing, that Justin does is just as phony as it seems. He is well aware of the affect that he has on people in general, women particularly and me especially.
At the time though, I found myself charmed by his smile and I briefly wondered what it would feel like to be wrapped up in his arms. He walked towards me and I froze in place but he only reached behind me to pick up the tv remote.
"I need to take a shower. In the meantime, why don't you find us something to watch?"
"Sure." He got some clean clothes out of his duffel and disappeared into the bathroom. The entire time that he was gone, I tried to stop myself from thinking about the fact that he was just a few feet away, soaking wet and completely naked. He might have had a baby face, but as far as I could tell, the rest of him was all grown up.
About twenty minutes later, the bathroom door opened and he came out. He was wearing a black wifebeater and a pair of baggy grey sweats. And he had a big, fluffy towel wrapped around his head. I tried to stifle my laugh by putting my hand over my mouth.
"I see you over there laughing at me. I know I look ridiculous, but my hair is a bitch to get dry."
"Why don't you just use a hair dryer?"
He put his hands on his hips and looked at me like I had suggested something blasphemous. "Blow drying makes it frizzy. It looks better if it dries naturally."
"Come here." He sat down on the side of the bed and I moved to stand in front of him. I unwrapped his head and started to briskly dry his hair with the towel.
"I'm tempted to just cut it all off."
"Don't do that. It makes you stand out."
"Yeah. Nothing says cool like a white guy with a 'fro."
"I'm serious." As I leaned closer to him to dry the back of his head, he put his hands on my hips to help steady me. It didn't feel like he was trying to be fresh, it just felt natural.
"Is this how you usually spend your time after concerts? Luring unsuspecting women back to your room so they can tend to your hair?"
"I know. Pretty exciting, isn't it? I'd usually be doing something with one of the guys, but Chris is with his girlfriend Dani, JC just started seeing some girl that I really don't like, and he's all holed up in his room talking to her on the phone. Who knows what Lance is up to. And we both know what Joey's doing."
"Don't you have a girlfriend that you could call?"
"Nah. I just broke up with somebody a little while back."
"Sorry to hear that."
"I really couldn't spend a lot of time with her and eventually she just started seeing somebody else. Would've been nice if she could have just told me that instead of me hearing it from other people. But I understand where she was coming from."
"There's never a good reason for cheating on someone. If you're dissatisfied in your relationship you should just say so and then move on."
"I feel the same way. I've never cheated on anyone and I don't think I ever could."
Knowing what I know now, that seems like a laughable statement. But I truly think he meant it at the time.
I took the towel off his head and ran my fingers through his still slightly damp hair. "I think you're okay now."
"Thanks." He took the towel from my hands and put it on the night stand. "Did you find anything good on the tv?"
"A South Park marathon is supposed to be starting on Comedy Central in a few minutes."
"You like South Park?"
"I love South Park. I didn't like it at first, but those little bad ass kids grew on me."
"Who's your favorite?"
"Most people would probably say Cartman, but I've got a soft spot for Kenny."
He yawned a little bit and rubbed his hand over his face and for the first time it occurred to me how tired he must be.
"Are you sure you want me hanging around in here? You must be tired. I should leave and let you get some sleep."
"I'm not that tired. I'm still riding an adrenaline rush from the show and we're not leaving until late tomorrow, so I'll be able to sleep in. Besides, I don't want you to go. I like talking to you."
"I like talking to you too." Being with him was like hanging out with one of the guys I grew up with. It felt like a no pressure situation, like spending time with an old friend.
The theme from South Park started up on the tv and Justin swung his legs around , scooting over to the middle of the bed. I moved around to the foot of the bed and sat down.
"What are you doing down there? Come up here with me." I looked back at Justin and he was propped against the pillows, patting the space beside him. "If I was gonna jump you, don't you think I would have done it by now?"
I hesitated, not because I didn't trust him, but because it seemed odd to me to be so comfortable with someone that I had just met. There I was at two o'clock in the morning in a hotel room with a strange guy and it didn't seem weird to me to be there.
"Girl, kick those shoes off and get over here. I don't bite."
"Unless you're asked to?"
"Now you can't come up in here stealing all my best lines." Then he turned another of those big cheesy smiles on me.
I slid my heels off and climbed onto the bed beside him. I started off with a decent amount of space between us, but as the night wore on the distance between us lessened. We were inching closer to each other until eventually we met in the middle and Justin rested his head against my shoulder. We sat that way for awhile, the silence occasionally interrupted by our laughter. I was starting to drift off when Justin spoke.
"Tell me something about yourself."
"Something like what?"
"I don't know. What kind of work do you do? What's your favorite song? What's the last movie you saw? Tell me anything."
"I'm a pediatric care nurse. My current favorite song is Try Again by Aaliyah, my all time favorite song is Let's Stay Together by Al Green and the last movie I saw was Coyote Ugly. And by the way, that movie sucked. That's ninety minutes and seven dollars I'll never get back."
He let out a slight laugh at that.
"Why do you want to know?"
"I just do. I meant what I said before. I don't usually get an opportunity to talk to someone that doesn't want anything from me. It's nice to have a normal conversation with a normal person."
All the cockiness was gone from his voice. I'd never heard anyone sound so lonely before. I put my arm around his shoulder without even thinking about it. He moved closer to me, nestling against my side.
"Justin?"
"Yeah?"
"Why did you come up to me at the club?"
"I thought you were pretty."
"There were plenty of pretty women there."
"But only one of them was you. It just seemed like there was something special about you."
He was probably talking a bunch of yang, but at the time he seemed sincere. We were quiet for a while after that. When I looked at him his eyes were closed. I clicked off the bedside lamp, turned off the tv and soon after that I fell asleep myself.
******************************************************************
When I woke up it took me awhile to remember where I was. Justin had his arm slung across my waist and even though I tried to ease out from under him, I still managed to wake him up when I moved.
"Hey. What time is it?"
I squinted my eyes in the dark and looked at my watch. "It's almost four."
He sat up and wiped the sleep from his eyes. Even in the dim light of the room I could see him staring at me. He reached towards me and trailed the back of his hand against my cheek.
"Kayla." That was the first time he'd said my name and it sounded so good coming from his lips. He moved his hand to the back of my neck and gently pulled me towards him. He moved slowly, giving me every opportunity to stop him if I wanted to. But I didn't want to.
The first touch of his lips to mine was feather light and barely there, but I felt it right down to my soul. The second kiss was stronger and with it Justin became bolder. He leaned over me, easing me back into a reclining position. The next thing I knew I was laying flat on the bed and he was hovering over me. His upper body supported by his forearms, his lower body settled down between my legs.
He continued moving his lips against mine. Each kiss longer and deeper than the last. I rested one hand against the small of his back and tangled the other in his hair. I slipped my tongue past his slightly parted lips, where it was eagerly greeted by his own. Our tongues caressed each other, softly at first, and then with increasing intensity.
I slipped his undershirt off and moved my hands all over his back. My fingertips slid up and down his spine and across his broad shoulders. I loved the soft feeling of his skin and the hard muscles moving underneath. I pushed him away from me, but only so that I could pull my own shirt over my head. I needed to feel his bare skin against mine.
He trailed his tongue over my collar bone and unhooked the clasp on the front of my bra. He pushed the straps down my shoulders and pushed the cups out of the way. My nipples hardened the second they came into contact with his chest. He skimmed his fingertips up and down my arms and settled his mouth onto the crook of my neck. He licked and nibbled on the skin there, softly sucking my flesh into his mouth.
Justin started to slowly rock his hips into mine. I raised my knees against his sides, letting my skirt hike up until it was almost around my waist. I began lifting my hips up towards his and apparently I was hitting the right spot, because he dropped his hands to my waist to hold me in place.
Everything he did to me felt good and made me feel like a teenager myself. That feeling I used to get making out on my parent's couch. When kissing and touching meant everything and it never had to go any further. It felt urgent, but not rushed. Innocent and raunchy, too much, but not enough.
He brought his mouth back to mine and then he slipped a hand between our moving bodies. He ran his finger across my underwear and I knew he could easily feel how wet I was through that thin layer of cloth. He started to push the fabric to the side, but I caught his wrist to stop him. My brain had made the return trip back from wherever it had disappeared to.
Justin pulled back and looked into my eyes. "What's wrong?"
I had already done way more than I'd intended to do. Despite the fact that I wanted him, I knew it was time to stop.
"Nothing's wrong. I just think we should stop before we're not able to."
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Okay."
He rolled off of me without another word. He lay next to me for a second, panting and trying to catch his breath. After a few moments passed, he reached over to smooth my skirt down over my legs and he gave me a kiss on the forehead.
I'd expected at least a slight protest from him, but he didn't seem the least bit upset. He stood up from the bed. "Get up."
I knew he was taking the whole thing too easily. I thought we had arrived at the part of the night where he would call me a tease and throw me out into the hallway. Instead, he turned back the covers and got into bed. He fluffed up the pillows and opened his arms to me.
I climbed into bed next to him. He pulled the covers up over us and wrapped his arms around me. I could feel the vibrations through his chest when he started talking.
"You already know what I do for a living. I can't remember the last time I went to see a movie. My current favorite song is Big Pimpin by Jay-z. And Let's Stay Together is my all time favorite song too."
We talked for a long time after that. About anything and everything. Justin was so open and unguarded that night. Unlike now, when practically everything that comes out of his mouth is a carefully crafted, management approved statement.
We talked until we couldn't keep our eyes open any longer.
*****************************************************************
We were woken up by a pounding on the door. Justin stumbled out of bed and went to see who it was. I got up and went behind him. When he cracked the door open, I could see Rachel standing in the hallway.
Rachel took one look at Justin standing there with no shirt on and my disheveled appearance and a knowing smile showed up on her face. I knew she was going to give me beaucoup shit later on.
"Hey Kayla. Sorry to disturb you two, but we probably need to get going now. Joey's having someone drive us back to the club to pick up the car."
I started smoothing my skirt and trying to fix up my hair a little bit. "Okay. Give me a minute. I'll be right there."
Justin closed the door and I stepped back into the room to put on my shoes and pick up my purse. He watched me while I got my things together and for the first time, I felt awkward around him. I didn't know what to say and it didn't seem like he was going to say anything, so I just headed for the door, but he stopped me.
"I'm really glad that I met you, Kayla."
"It was nice meeting you too." Which seemed like a really lame thing to say after the night that we had shared, but I didn't know what else to say. "I guess I'll just be going."
"Wait." Justin picked up a notepad and an ink pen from the coffee table. "Give me your phone number."
"You don't have to do that."
"Do what?"
"You don't have to ask for my phone number. I'm an adult, not some love struck teenager. I don't expect anything from you."
"If I didn't want your number, I wouldn't ask for it." He extended the pen and paper to me and I scribbled down my number.
"We've got a few more dates coming up to finish up our tour, but I've got some time off coming in October. If I came through here, do you think we could get together? I'd like to see you again."
I didn't bother to disguise the skepticism in my voice. "Yeah, right."
"I know you don't believe me, but you'll see."
"I really need to get going now." He took my hand into his and walked me to the door.
"I'd walk you downstairs, but, you know."
"I understand." He opened the door and as I went to join Rachel in the hallway, he pulled me back towards him for a kiss. I know it probably only lasted a few seconds, but that kiss seemed to go on forever. When he finally pulled away from me, I actually felt dizzy.
Lonnie, one of their bodyguards, appeared in the hallway and I knew it was time to go.
Justin reluctantly let go of me. "Bye Kayla. See you in October."
Rachel and I followed Lonnie to the elevator. When I looked back over my shoulder, Justin was still leaning in the doorway, watching me.
We rode back to the club in silence, but as soon as we got in our own car, Rachel started in on me.
"Kayla, Kayla, Kayla."
I refused to acknowledge her.
"Uh, uh, uh. You sneaky little trick. I thought you said you weren't going to hook up with him."
"We didn't hook up."
"The hickey on your neck tells a different story."
Immediately I pulled my compact out and took a look. Sure enough there was a tell tale mark on my neck. "We kissed a little bit, it wasn't a big deal."
"I don't know about that. You must have really put it on that little boy. I saw the way he was looking at you."
"I'm telling you, we just made out. I didn't put anything on him." Truth be told, he had put it on me, but Rachel was already having too much fun at my expense.
"Did he ask for your phone number?"
"Yeah. Then he gave me some old cat daddy line about how he wants to see me when he comes back to town."
"Do you know what that means?"
"Yeah. I just came really close to letting myself get turned out by someone that's not old enough to buy his own beer. I'm sure Joey told you the same thing."
"Actually he didn't. He didn't ask for my phone number either. What happened with me and him was what it was. Just a one time thing."
"What happened with me and Justin was a one time thing too."
Rachel shook her head and looked at me out the corner of her eye. "I'm telling you, I don't think so."
"I'm not holding my breath waiting for him to show up."
I'd had a good time with Justin and I really did think he was a sweet guy. But the way I saw it, he probably met girls all the time and I was sure he would have forgotten about me by the time his tour bus pulled into the next city. So I went about my business and I didn't give him another thought.
Until the day I came home and found him sitting in my living room.
Chapter Three: Happy Family
May 2006
Justin ended up sleeping over last night. He and Jonah had settled down on the sofa to watch Shark Tale. They'd been quiet for a while and when I came to see what they were up to, they were wrapped around each, snoring up a storm. I looked back and forth between their sleeping faces and the resemblance between them squeezed my heart. You would only have to glance at Jonah to know that he was Justin's son. They look just alike, not only around the eyes. Even through his baby fat I can see the start of what will one day be a square even jaw and high cheekbones.
I hated to wake them up, but I lightly nudged Justin's shoulder. He got up and helped me get Jonah ready for bed. After we got him bathed and tucked in, Justin started getting ready to leave, but I stopped him.
"It's late and you're half asleep. Why don't you just stay here tonight Justin?"
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah." I turned to go to my bedroom and Justin was right behind me. "Where do you think you're going?"
A look of confusion settled on his face. "I thought we were going to bed."
"We are. I'm going to bed in here and you're going to bed in there." I pointed to the guest room across the hall.
"Come on Kay. Are you really going to make me sleep in that big cold bed all by myself?" He stuck out his bottom lip in an exaggerated pout.
"Do you really think that's going to work?"
"I had to try. But just to show you that my intentions are good, I'll sleep in there by myself, without complaint."
"You've already complained."
"Okay. Without any more complaints." I could tell that he was trying to get me to laugh, but I wasn't in the mood.
"Goodnight, Justin." I tried to close the door, but he put his hand out to stop me. "What now?"
"Can I get a goodnight kiss?"
"I don't think so."
"One kiss isn't going to hurt anything."
"If I kiss you, will you go away?"
"I promise."
"Fine."
He framed my face in his hands and laid a soft, sweet kiss on my lips. It was so different from the way his kisses have been lately. It wasn't like he was rushing through it just so he could get to something else. He kissed me like that was all he wanted. Without meaning to, I found myself slipping my fingers into the belt loops on his jeans, pulling him closer. When he moved to pull away from me, I didn't want to let him go.
After our kiss, he backed away and went into the guest room without another word.
At about three o'clock in the morning, I could feel my bed dip slightly under his weight. He slipped under the covers and eased up behind me. He didn't try anything. He didn't say anything. He just molded his body around mine and put his arm around my waist, pulling me close to him.
I let him stay. But when I woke up this morning, once again he was gone.
**********************************************************************
I came to a decision this morning to try and take JC's advice. It was one thing to let Justin run all over me when I was the only person affected by the fallout, but Jonah deserves more. I have to start thinking of him.
What kind of example am I setting for my child? Kids pick up on a lot more than we give them credit for. I don't want Jonah to grow up seeing me as a weak person. I've made a promise to myself to be stronger. I need to keep Justin away from my bed, off my mind and out of my heart.
It's about one o'clock in the afternoon and I'm just finishing up Jonah's lunch, when I hear a lot of knocking and bumping and someone coming through my front door. After the way things went down yesterday, I know JC wouldn't come back so soon.
When I go to see what's going on, Justin is dragging the last of his luggage in from the front porch.
There is so much wrong with this picture that I don't even know where to start. "How did you get in here? I know the door was locked this time."
"I found your spare key." With that he reaches into his pocket and dangles my key ring in front of my nose.
I snatch the keys from his grasp and put them in my own pocket. "You went snooping through the house while I was asleep?"
"I didn't have to snoop. The keys were hanging on a hook by the backdoor. If you hadn't had the locks changed on me last year I wouldn't have had to take those."
"I had the locks changed because I got tired of never knowing when I might wake up to find you trying to climb on top of me."
"Now you're exaggerating. That only happened one time."
"Once was enough."
"I was drunk and I apologized about a hundred times. But if we're digging up stuff to be mad about, why don't you explain to me why JC has a key to this house and I don't?"
"JC has a key to this house because he has earned my trust. You haven't."
"Don't let C's innocent act fool you. I may be a jackass, but at least I'm up front about it. JC is a sneaky bastard."
"He has been there for me and Jonah at times when you were nowhere to be found. He's been a good friend to me."
Justin throws an annoyed look my way. "I'll bet. JC is only interested in one thing and it's not your friendship."
After all the shit that Justin has pulled, I know I don't owe him anything, but still I can't help the wave of guilt that washes over me. If he ever found out about some of the things that have happened between me and JC he'd shit a brick.
I look around at the various bags and suitcases littering my floor. "What's all this?"
He looks at me and shakes his head like the answer should be obvious. "This is my shit."
"Jonah is in the kitchen so watch your mouth. I can see what it is, what I want to know is why it's here."
"I'm gonna be in town for at least another month if not more. It seemed stupid to be staying in a hotel when I could be here with my family."
Yeah, I'll admit it. Hearing him use the word family to refer to me and Jonah definitely put a move on my heart. But there's no way I'm about to let him know that. "Did it occur to you to ask me whether or not I wanted you moving in here?"
"I know I've got a lot of work to do to make things right with you and Jonah. I figured now was as good a time as any to get started. I missed out on a lot of stuff with my son. Before you say anything, I know I'm to blame for that, but I want to spend as much time with him as I can."
"For Jonah's sake you can stay here, but we need to set some ground rules."
"Such as?" The irritation creeping into his voice is obvious.
"You are going to sleep in the guest room. Every night, all night. There can't be anymore creeping into my bed in the middle of the night."
"I thought you liked sleeping with me."
"I can't believe you said that."
"I didn't mean it like that. I'm not talking about sex. I feel peaceful when we sleep together, I always have. I thought you did too."
"I do. Or I guess I did. It's besides the point now."
"No it's not. I'm gonna earn your trust back. I know I can fix things between us."
"Justin at this point the only relationship you should be worried about is the one with your son. As far as you and me, I think that's beyond repair. Which brings me to rule number two. I'm not going to have sex with you again."
Justin's brows are knitted together in genuine confusion. "Why not?"
"Because I don't like the way I feel afterwards. I have to start trying to get my life together and not letting you hop in and out of my bed is a good first step."
A scowl starts to rise up on his face and I can tell that his asshole side is about to make an appearance. "That's fine by me. To be honest, the only reason why I still have sex with you is because I feel sorry for you."
I pause before I say anything because I need time to censor my language and control the volume of my voice. I take a deep breath and speak as calmly as I can. "What did you just say?"
"You haven't been seeing anyone else have you?"
"I don't see how that's any business of yours."
"You don't have to tell me, I already know that I'm right. You're not with anybody else and I appreciate that because I don't want you bringing a bunch of strange dudes around my son. But I know that you have needs, so I thought the least I could do was break you off a little something every now and then."
"You arrogant son of a bitch. You beg me to sleep with you, not the other way around."
"You don't have to beg with words. I can just look at you and tell how much you want me. At any rate, you never turn it down."
"Is this your idea of fixing things between us? How can you stand there and talk to me like that way?"
His features shift and his voice is flat when he speaks. "I'm sorry."
"I am so sick of hearing those words come out of your mouth. They've lost all meaning. You're not sorry. You don't love me, you don't respect me and I'm tired of it Justin."
I start to walk away from him, but he grabs my upper arm to hold me in place.
"I shouldn't have said that to you. I've gotten used to saying pretty much whatever I want to people and usually no one calls me on it. But you deserve better from me. You always have."
"You're right. I do deserve better. I'm not going to let you keep playing this Jekyll and Hyde game with me. You're all sweet talk while you're getting what you want, but as soon as I show the slightest bit of backbone or don't do whatever you want, you turn nasty."
"I don't know how to act around you."
"What are you talking about?"
"I can front for other people, but I know that you see through me. I act the way I do because I'm afraid of you and what you could do to me."
His voice is choked up and when I take a closer look at him, his eyes are glassy. "You can save the crocodile tears Justin. That's one of your tricks that stopped working a while back."
"This isn't a trick Kayla. I live in fear of the day that I will come here and you and Jonah will be gone. You could just pack him up and take him away from me. The sad part is, I'd deserve it."
"I would never do that. I wouldn't deny you the right to see Jonah. But if that's how you really feel, why do you go out of your way to hurt me?"
He relaxes his grip on my arm, sliding his hand down to my wrist. "You've got the upper hand here and you don't even know it. I feel like I have to control you, before you realize that you could control me."
"Relationships aren't about control and having the upper hand."
"My relationships are."
It occurs to me that as screwed up as I am, Justin just may be a little bit worse.
"Then I feel sorry for you." I remove his hand from my arm. "You can stay here, but please, just concentrate on Jonah and leave me alone."
I turn to head back to the kitchen and Jonah is standing in the doorway. I wonder how much of this conversation he heard. How much of it he understood? He's only four, but he's smart. A lot smarter than either of his parents.
He stares at Justin with a look of surprise on his face. How sad is it that he seems shocked to see his own father two days in a row?
"Did you finish your lunch?"
"Yeah." He slowly enters the room and looks up at me. "Why is daddy here?"
"Hey, JoJo." Justin picks Jonah up and carries him over to the sofa. "I'm gonna be staying here with you and your mom for a little while. You'll like that, won't you?"
Jonah looks at me before answering and I plaster a smile on my face. He looks back to Justin and nods his head.
"Cool." Justin stands and reaches his hand back for Jonah. "Want to help me put my stuff up?"
"Okay." Jonah slides off the sofa and tucks his hand into Justin's. While they sort through all of Justin's junk I head back to the kitchen to clean up.
The phone starts ringing and when I pick it up, JC is on the line. I knew I should have let the machine get it.
"Kayla, I just wanted to see how you were doing."
"I'm fine JC."
"Good. I want to take you and Jonah to dinner tonight. Or if you want I could just come over and we could order in."
"We can't do that."
"Did Justin give you a hard time after I left yesterday? Did he tell you not to see me? You shouldn't let him threaten you."
"He didn't threaten me. It's just that he's staying here and I think it might be best if you stayed away for a little while."
JC is quiet for so long that if it weren't for the low buzz of the open connection, I would think he'd hung up on me.
"Why are you letting him do this?"
"It's not what you think. He just wants to spend some time with Jonah."
"He is just using Jonah as a pretense for worming his way into your bed."
"For two people that can't stand each other, you and Justin sure do like to use the same lines. That's the same thing he says about you."
"You know that's not true."
"Do I?"
"Why would you say something like that?"
"I really don't want to talk about this right now."
"I think that we should."
"Well, I don't. I appreciate everything you've done for me and Jonah, but I think you need to back off a little bit right now."
"But, Kayla. . ."
"I'll call you later." I click the off button before he has a chance to say anything else.
"Who was that?" I didn't hear Justin come into the kitchen and I jump at the sound of his voice.
"Don't sneak up on me like that."
"Sorry." He doesn't look sorry at all. "Who was that on the phone?"
"That's none of your business."
"I already know it was JC."
I turn my back to him and start loading the dishwasher. "Then why did you ask?"
"I just wanted to see what you'd say. I wanted to know if you'd be honest with me."
Laughter bubbles out of my mouth. "Do you really think I'm going to stand here and listen to you try to school me on honesty? You can't open your mouth without telling a lie."
"I've never actually lied to you. Anything I've ever said to you, I meant it when I said it."
"This is a pointless discussion. Did you come in here just to eavesdrop and harass me? Or did you actually want something?"
"I want to take Jonah shopping and I wanted to make sure that it was okay with you."
It's a good thing the cup I'm holding is plastic, because it slips right out of my hand. Justin bends to pick it up and puts it on the counter.
"You want to take Jonah shopping? You want to take him outside of this house? Where people could see you?"
"That's what I said."
Justin has never taken Jonah any farther than the playground at the park up the road from our house. And even those trips have been few and far between.
"How does Jonah feel about this little outing?"
"He wants to go. I just thought I should check with you first."
"Where do you want to take him?"
"North Point Mall. We won't be gone long."
"I don't want him getting caught up in a mob scene."
"Nobody's going to mob me. I doubt anyone will even know or care who I am."
"What if someone takes a picture of the two of you together?"
"Then I guess they'll just have a picture of us. I'm really not worried about that."
"Since when are you not worried about preserving your precious image?"
"I just want to take my son shopping. Let's not make this a bigger deal than it is."
I know how much it would mean to Jonah to go somewhere, anywhere with his father.
"Okay. You can take him. But keep a good eye on him and don't be gone too long. And don't just buy him everything he points at. Don't let him go anywhere near that toy store, he'll just guilt you into buying him a bunch of junk he doesn't need. Make sure to hold his hand. Don't let him eat a bunch of junk food. And don't. . ."
Justin comes closer to me and gently places his hands on my shoulders. "Kay, calm down. We won't be gone more than two, three hours tops. I will only let him have one ice cream cone, single scoop. I will never let his hand go or let him out of my sight. Everything's going to be fine. Okay?"
"Alright."
Justin turns and calls out for Jonah. "JoJo, you ready?"
Jonah comes running into the kitchen with a huge smile on his face. "You want to come with us mama?"
"No. You just have fun with your dad, okay?"
I bend down to him and he gives me a hug. "Bye, mama."
"Bye honey."
*********************************************************************
True to his word, Justin and Jonah were only gone for three hours. They came back loaded down with bags. Several of which were from KB Toys.
"Justin, you promised."
"I promised not to spoil his appetite, I never made any promises about the toy store. Jonah, why don't you show your mom what you got for her?"
Jonah digs around in one of the bags and comes up with a black velvet box. A jewelry box. "This is for you mommy."
What I find inside the box is the most gorgeous necklace I've ever seen. It's a diamond and platinum heart pendant that must have cost a fortune. I snap the box closed and glare at Justin over Jonah's head.
"Don't you like it mommy? I picked it out all by myself."
His delivery seems coached, so I seriously doubt that. "I love it, Jonah."
"Put it on."
Justin plucks the box out of my hand. "Let me help you." He lifts the necklace out of the box and fastens it around my neck. It feels heavy and cool against my skin.
Justin leads me over to the full length mirror in the hallway. He stands behind me and hooks his chin over my shoulder. "It looks beautiful on you."
He lowers his voice to a whisper and lets his lips brush against my ear when he speaks. "You look beautiful, Kay."
Jonah comes over to join us and I find myself staring at our reflections in the mirror. Anyone that didn't know any better would think we were a normal happy family. Looking at our bright eyes and matching smiles, I could almost convince myself of the same thing.
Trick or Treat by deebee73
Chapter Four: Trick or Treat
October 2000
I guess if I had been more of an MTV junkie I could have saved myself a lot of grief. NSYNC was at the height of their popularity and rumors were constantly swirling about Justin and a certain blonde pop star. But I had a job that kept me occupied and I really didn’t keep up with things like that. Rachel would occassionally mention to me that she had seen pictures of Justin here or there, but I didn’t really pay attention to anything that she said. Who he was or wasn’t dating was of no consequence to me.
It was a Wednesday night and I had just finished working a twelve hour shift. A hyperactive two year old had tried to pull out a chunk of my hair and an eight year old with a stomach virus had vomited all over the rose colored scrubs I worked in. Needless to say all I wanted to do was zap myself a microwave dinner and crawl into bed. Luckily I was off the next day and I fully intended to sleep through the next twenty four hours.
I came home and hung my coat up on one of the hooks by the front door. The same thing I did every day when I came home from work. I was about to call out for Rachel and ask her if she had remembered to go grocery shopping, when a familiar voice cut through the quiet in my apartment.
“When you said you were a nurse I was kinda hoping to catch you in one of those cute little hats and the short white dresses that zip up the front.”
I turned around and there he was. I just stood there staring at him and wondering if sleep deprivation had finally led me to the land of hallucinations. The happy look on his face faltered slightly as I continued to stand there looking slack jawed.
“Maybe this was a bad idea. You don’t look too thrilled to see me.”
“I’m just a little shocked, that’s all.”
He stood up from the sofa and stepped closer to me. “I was trying to surprise you, not traumatize you. If you want me to go. . .”
“Where’s Rachel?”
“She went that way.” He pointed down the short hallway.
“Excuse me for just one second.”
I all but ran out of the room and barged my way into Rachel’s bedroom. Rachel was standing in front of the mirror, fluffing her hair and checking her makeup.
“Rachel, why is Justin Timberlake in my living room?”
“Don’t be so formal. After all the spit you two swapped, you really ought to be on a first name basis.”
“How did he get here?”
“Probably by airplane, then by car. Just a guess.”
“This is not funny, Rach.”
“I beg to differ.” Rachel could see my scowl reflected back to her in the mirror. “He called here and said he wanted to see you. He wanted it to be a surprise, cause he knew that you didn’t believe him when he said he’d come. So I gave his driver directions and voila, there he is.”
“Why didn’t you call me at work and tell me he was coming?”
“Hello? That would have ruined the surprise.”
“How could you just take it for granted that I wanted to see him again?”
“Girl please. I’ve known you since kindergarten. You can’t convince me that you didn’t want to see him. You just tried to play it off because you thought he wasn’t actually going to show up.”
“Okay. It’s not like I don’t want to see him, but I would have liked a little advance warning. I look like crap.”
“I don’t think he’s going to care. That young man is quite taken with you. He’s been pumping me for information about you since the second he stepped in the door.”
“What kind of information? What did you tell him?”
Rachel gave me a sly little smile and picked up her coat. “My lips are sealed.”
“Your lips are going to be busted if I find out you gave up any of my personal business to him.”
“What business? All your torrid Blockbuster nights? You haven’t been on a date in months.”
My eyes went wide in horror. “You didn’t tell him that, did you?”
Rachel slipped into her coat and picked up her purse. “I’d love to continue this conversation Kay, but I’ve got to be going.”
“Going? Where are you going?”
“Out, obviously.”
I moved to the door to try and block her from leaving. “You can’t go.”
“I thought you two would want to be alone, so I made other plans.”
“You can’t leave me alone with him.”
Rachel arched her eyebrows. “Afraid you won’t be able to control yourself without a chaperone?”
Kind of. But really that’s not the sort of information that would be safe with Rachel. “He’s a stranger. What if he tries something?”
“You’re good with kids. If he gets frisky, just hit him on the knuckles and put him in time out.” Rachel pushed me to the side, opened the bedroom door and went out into the living room.
“It was good seeing you again Justin, but I’ve got to get going.” I tried to grab a hold of her arm, but she shrugged me off and made her way to the door.
“You kids have fun.” She gave me another smart assed smile, then flounced her way out the door.
I stood facing the closed door because I was too embarrassed to turn around. But I couldn’t stay like that all night, so eventually I turned around to face Justin. He looked as uncomfortable as I felt.
“I think I should leave. Mike is right downstairs, he can take me back to the hotel.”
It dawned on me that I was being rude and immature. The guy came all this way to see me, the least I could do was be hospitable. “No really, I want you to stay. I’ll admit I was a little shocked to find you here, but I’m glad you came.”
The tense look on his face eased up a little bit. “I was hoping I could take you out to get something to eat.”
“I really don’t feel like going anywhere, but if you want we could order some take out and hang out here.”
“That sounds good.”
I stepped into our kitchen and pulled a bunch of take out menus from the drawer. “I need to get out of these clothes and take a shower. Decide what you want to order and I’ll be right back. Help yourself to something to drink.”
He took the menus from my hand and sat back down on the sofa. After I got out of the shower, I stood in front of my closet trying to decide what to put on. I didn’t want to look like I had tried too hard, but I also didn’t want to look like a slob. I decided against a skirt, because those were too easy access. I contemplated sweats, because they would have been comfortable, but not exactly sexy. I finally decided on a pair of jeans and a cream colored v-neck sweater.
I slicked my damp hair back into a ponytail and smoothed on a little tinted lip gloss. When I went back to the living room, Justin was holding a Corona in one hand and a framed picture of Rachel and me in our Girl Scout Uniforms in the other.
“Cute picture.” He gave me an appraising head to toe look. “Do you think that uniform still fits?”
I took the picture from his hand and put it back on the shelf. “Did you decide what you want to order?”
“Is this Chinese place any good?”
“Yeah. Their cashew chicken is the best.”
“Sounds good. I’ll have that.”
I was doing my best to seem calm and relaxed, but it wasn’t easy. Justin’s eyes were glued to me the entire time that we waited for the food to arrive and even while we were eating. He was watching my every move. This wasn’t like the way he casually checked me out on the night that we first met. The way he was looking at me was obvious and blatant. He was definitely letting his interest and his intentions be known.
After we finished eating, I slipped in a cd. Al Green’s Greatest Hits. I’ll never be able to listen to that cd without thinking about Justin. Just one more thing that he’s ruined for me.
As soon as Tired of Being Alone started up, Justin started nodding his head to the music and singing along. “I used to have this cd.”
“What happened to it?”
“That’s a good question. Joey took it and that was the last time I ever saw it. It’s probably stuck between the cushions on his sofa.”
“He just took it without asking?”
“That’s the way it works with us when we’re on the road. Nothing you own is safe. If you lay something down for more than five seconds you should be prepared to kiss it goodbye. Cd’s, books, games, socks. If you have a pair of clean underwear you have to guard them with your life. Basically everything is up for grabs. Life on the Nsync tour bus is not as glamorous as some people would like to believe.”
“That sounds horrible. I can’t imagine what it must be like to spend so much time crammed into a small space like that.”
“It’s not as bad as I made it out to be. We get on each other’s nerves but we have a lot of fun together too. Those guys are my brothers. I know it sounds corny when we say it in interviews but it’s true.”
Justin was just as easy to talk to as I had remembered, so I started to relax. “What did you come back to Atlanta for?”
“I came to see you.”
I had assumed that he was in town for some other reason and had decided to see me too. “You made a special trip just to see me?”
“I told you that I wanted to see you again and I meant it. We added a second leg to our tour so this is like the only week that I have off really. We start rehearsing again next week , just to make sure we have everything tight. Then we go back on the road the week after that.”
“You only had one week off and you’re spending part of it here? With me?” I didn’t know if I should be flattered or frightened.
“I spent a couple of days with my family and then I decided to come here. I want to apologize for not calling you first. I wanted to surprise you. It didn’t occur to me that I’d probably be imposing on you. Sometimes I do things without really thinking them through first.”
“No. You’re not imposing. Actually I think it was really sweet of you to come here. I honestly didn’t think I’d ever see you again.”
“Once you get to know me, you’ll see that I don’t say things that I don’t mean.”
“How long are you in town for?”
“Unfortunately tonight is all the time I have. I have to leave in the morning.”
I tried to hide my disappointment, but I couldn’t. “I can’t believe you came all this way just to spend a couple of hours with me.”
“I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since that night. I meet a lot of women, but no one’s ever stuck with me the way that you have. I started to think that maybe I was psyching myself into thinking that the entire night was more special than it actually was. I had to see you again and make sure that my mind wasn’t playing tricks on me.”
“So, was your mind playing tricks on you?”
“No. You’re every bit as amazing as I had remembered.”
I glanced down, hoping that he wouldn’t be able to see the blush spreading out across my cheeks. “I’m glad you came. I’m just sorry that we can’t spend any more time together.”
“So am I. I’ve got obligations that I can’t get out of for the rest of this week, but I don’t have anything to do next weekend.”
“You’re coming back to Atlanta next week?”
“No. I was hoping that you would agree to let me fly you to Orlando. Joey’s throwing a Halloween party. He’s doing it next weekend because that’s the last free time any of us will have for quite a while. Do you think you’d like to come?”
The rational part of my brain had gone on vacation since the moment I turned around and found Justin standing in my apartment. Instead of thinking through the implications of agreeing to spend the weekend with a stranger, I started trying to think of who I could get to cover my shifts at work.
“Where would I stay?”
“I’ve got a house down there, so you could stay with me. Or if you’re uncomfortable with that, I can get you a hotel room. You could come on Friday evening, we’d go to the party on Saturday and then you could fly back on Sunday afternoon.”
I agreed without a second of hesitation. “Okay.” If I could go back in time and kick myself in the ass, I would.
Justin’s face lit up with a huge smile. He scooted over closer to me and pressed his mouth to mine. We spent the rest of the night making out. It got pretty intense, but Justin was completely respectful. His hands never strayed below my waist and there was no mention of sex. He acted like kissing me and touching me was all he wanted to do.
He was still there at two o’clock in the morning, which was when Rachel came back. He promised to call me so that we could make the final arrangements for the trip, then he kissed me goodnight and left.
As soon as the door closed behind him, Rachel started asking me a bunch of questions, but I tuned her out. I went into my room and fell into bed with a big, stupid smile on my face. Justin was the star of every dream I had for the next week.
******************************************************************************
The week that followed was the longest one of my life. I couldn’t wait until I could see Justin again. I counted the seconds until my shift was over on Friday. As soon as I was off work, I rushed home, grabbed my bags and Rachel drove me to Hartsfield.
My plane touched down at Orlando International Airport at a little after nine o’clock that night. Mike, one of the group’s bodyguard’s, met me at the gate and escorted me out to the car. He dropped me off at the Marriott and when I checked in and went up to my room, Justin was in there waiting for me. I was barely in the door before he swept me up into a hug.
“I didn’t think you’d ever get here. I missed you.”
“It’s only been a week.”
“That was way too long.” He gave me a kiss before finally letting my feet touch the floor. “How do you like the room?”
I stepped away from him and took a look around. Naturally he had checked me into the best suite in the hotel. The kind of room that I never would have been able to afford on my own.
“It’s gorgeous, but you didn’t have to go all out for me.”
“Yes I did. Why don’t you go ahead and unpack?”
“Okay.” I started putting my clothes away, taking special care not to let Justin see the costume I had brought with me. I wanted him to be surprised. While I went to take a shower and freshen up, Justin called room service and got us something to eat.
While we ate Justin talked to me about what the past year had been like. He told me about the lawsuit with Lou and all the trouble they’d had just being able to keep their name and get their album out. We talked about the Disney movie that he had been in. He said that it sucked and that he sucked in it. He even told me about how he thought he might like to go solo someday, but he didn’t know if he would actually be able to leave the group behind. He told me funny stories about fans and being on tour and the stupid things that he and the other guys did to pass the time.
Justin stayed until I put my head on his shoulder and started nodding off. He put me to bed and went home.
He came back the next morning and we spent the day together. We had breakfast together and he showed me around town. It was a little weird at first that Mike had to come with us everywhere that we went. But he followed us at a discrete distance and after a while it was easy to forget that he was there.
Justin had some errands to run that afternoon, so he dropped me back at the hotel so that I could get ready for the party. He said that he would be back to pick me up at eight. I spent the rest of the afternoon talking to Rachel on the phone and then I took a nap.
I got up at about six and started getting ready. I was in the bathroom putting the finishing touches on my costume when I heard Justin come into the room.
“Kay, come on out. I need to talk to you.”
“I’m almost done.” When I came out of the bathroom Justin took one look at me and his chin hit the floor.
He looked me up and down. “Damn.”
I was wearing a nurse’s uniform. Or as they called it at the costume shop, a naughty nurse uniform. It was a white minidress that zipped straight up the front. I had the zipper partly undone and my push up bra was working overtime. I was wearing red fishnet stockings, a garter belt and red stilettos. I had styled my hair in curls that fell across my shoulders and I had on the trashiest shade of blood red lipstick that I could find. The outfit was topped off by a white nurse’s cap with a big red cross on it.
“Do you like it?”
“Hell yeah. Did you wear this just for me?”
“Maybe.”
He grabbed my hand and twirled me around in a circle so that he could look at me from all sides. He shook his head and let out a breath. “Damn.”
“Would you stop saying that?”
“I can’t help myself. You look hot.”
“Thank you.” I finally took notice of what Justin was wearing. “Why aren’t you in a costume?”
“That’s what I need to talk to you about. Something came up.”
“Something like what?”
“I tried to get out of it, but I’m supposed to have dinner with this producer and a casting director. There’s a small part in a movie that they want to offer me.”
“I thought you said you didn’t want to do another movie. You said that you had a horrible time making Model Behavior.”
“I did. But Johnny and my mom insisted that I at least meet with them and hear what they have to say. Probably nothing will come of it, but I really do need to go. I’m sorry.”
“No. I understand.” I looked down at myself and started to feel ridiculous in the costume. “I guess I should go ahead and take this off.”
“No. You can still go to the party. I plan to keep this meeting as short as possible. I’ll just meet you there.”
“I don’t want to be there without you. I don’t want to wander around by myself in a room full of strangers.”
“You won’t be alone. I arranged for you to go with JC and Bobbie.”
“I don’t know JC and Bobbie.”
“You’re gonna love JC. I promise. And Bobbie, well no one really likes Bobbie. You can just ignore her. Everyone else does. Including JC.”
“I don’t know.”
Justin put his arms around me and pulled me closer to him. “I swear you’ll have a good time. You can meet all the guys and I will be there as soon as I can. I wouldn’t leave you with JC if I wasn’t sure that he’d take good care of you.”
“Alright.” Justin leaned into me and just as he was about to give me a kiss, we heard a knock. He opened the door and there was a vampire and a witch standing in the hallway.
Justin pulled me around in front of him and made the introductions.
“Kayla, I want you to meet Bobbie.” I stuck my hand out to her and she gave me a limp handshake with the tips of her fingers. She gave me a rather dismissive up and down look with her icy eyes and smirked slightly.
“And this is JC.” JC firmly grasped my hand between both of his. Despite the fact that his girlfriend was standing right beside him, he was staring at me in open appreciation of the outfit that I was wearing. He kept his eyes locked on mine the entire time. There was something about JC’s smile that was so comforting and trustworthy. I liked him immediately.
“It’s nice to finally meet you Kayla. Justin hasn’t stopped talking about you since he met you.”
“Oh really.”
JC nodded his head. “Oh yeah. He kept saying how beautiful you were and I can see for once in his life that he wasn’t exaggerating.”
“Thank you.”
“We better get going.”
We made moves to leave, but Justin grabbed JC’s arm. “Kayla, why don’t you and Bobbie head on downstairs? I need to talk to JC for a second.”
The ride in the elevator with Bobbie was beyond uncomfortable. She kept her eyes trained straight ahead like I wasn’t even there. I wanted to ignore her like Justin said, but I thought I could at least try to make conversation.
“How long have you and JC been together?”
“Not quite a year.”
“He seems like a nice guy.”
“They always seem nice.”
“What does that mean?”
Bobbie turned to look at me. “Justin is nowhere near the angel that he makes himself out to be.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Let me give you a word of advice. Get everything out of Justin that you can, but don’t get too attached.”
“I don’t know what your relationship with JC is like, but I’m not with Justin for money.”
“Your mistake. Don’t say you weren’t warned.” Then she turned to face the front and went right back to pretending that I didn’t exist.
I didn’t give a lot of thought to what she had said. I figured that she knew that Justin didn’t like her and she was just trying to say something to mess things up for us. Little did I know she was the only person that even made an attempt to tell me what I was getting myself into.
Bobbie and I stood around in the lobby, each of us doing her best to pretend that the other wasn’t there. JC came down about ten minutes later and then we were on our way. Bobbie spent most of the ride to the club looking out of the window, like she would rather have been anywhere else.
When we finally got to the club, the place was packed and the music was on full blast. Bobbie disappeared into the crowd and JC took me around to make introductions.
To say that I got a cold reception from the rest of the guys in the group would be an understatement. I could understand why Joey acted the way he did. He was with Kelly, his off and on girlfriend, and I guess he thought I might slip up and say something about the night that he spent with Rachel.
But I couldn’t think of any good reason why Lance couldn’t meet my eyes or why Chris looked at me and shook his head. I thought that maybe they were put off by the fact that I was older than Justin or maybe it bothered them that I was black.
I know now that they didn’t want to be around me because they didn’t want to be active participants in the game that Justin was running. Even as nice as JC was being there was a certain underlying feeling coming from him. I couldn’t put my finger on it then, but now I know it was pity. They all knew that Justin was playing me, but no one wanted to get involved and say anything.
Despite the weird vibe that I was getting, I still managed to have a good time. JC and I talked and danced all night long. It was almost like Bobbie wasn’t there. JC wasn’t paying any attention to her and she didn’t seem to care that he was spending all his time with me.
The DJ started playing old school rap songs and JC and I were tearing up the floor to some Tupac, when Justin finally showed up. The song playing was called I Get Around. I really wish I had paid closer attention to the lyrics of that song. It would have told me a lot.
JC was behind me with his hands on my hips, but he slipped his arms around me and clasped them together over my stomach when he saw Justin heading our way.
“Thanks for looking out, but you can let her go now.”
JC propped his chin on my shoulder. “What if I don’t want to?”
“Afraid you don’t have much of a choice. I saw her first.” Justin grabbed my hand and rather forcefully pulled me away from JC. “Besides, you’ve got a woman of your own.”
A strange look passed between them. JC opened his mouth, like it was right on the tip of his tongue to say something, but he didn’t.
Over the years it would always be hard for me to figure out when Justin and JC were just teasing each other and when they were about to have a serious fight. No one could deny the love between them, but theirs is a relationship full of tension and jealousy. Justin has always felt that JC was more naturally talented than him. And JC has always felt like no matter what he did he would always come in second place to Justin.
I didn’t know it then, but I was just setting myself up to be one more thing for them to fight over.
“Alright. It was nice meeting you Kayla.” JC gave me a kiss on the cheek, his lips falling just a little too close to the corner of my mouth, then he turned his attention back to Justin. “Can I talk to you for a second?”
Justin hesitated like he wanted to say no, but he just nodded his head and let JC pull him off into a corner. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that the conversation was about me. This was the second hush-hush conversation they’d had and I was starting to feel paranoid. There was a lot of finger pointing and a little bit of shoving until Joey stepped in and pushed them apart.
JC wandered off in Bobbie’s direction and Justin came back toward me. He closed his eyes and sighed. The angry look on his face disappeared and by the time he reached me he was smiling again.
“What was that all about?”
“It’s a long, boring story. Let’s just say that JC is a drama queen and leave it at that.”
That answer wasn’t completely satisfactory, but I didn’t want to cause any trouble so I just let it go. Justin and I danced for a little while, but the party was winding down and pretty soon it was time for us to leave.
Justin led me outside to his car. He opened the door for me and then settled himself into the driver’s seat. “Should I take you back to the hotel or do you want to come to my place?”
I’ve got to hand it to him. Justin has never believed in beating around the bush. “We can go back to your place.”
The corner of his mouth turned up and he gave me one last look before pulling off. Justin drove like a maniac. We zipped through the streets of Orlando at speeds that I am sure were well over the limit.
We pulled up to his house and made our way up the long winding driveway. I think to use the word house would be an understatement, it was actually a mansion. The inside was absolutely gorgeous. And everything was white. Pure, sparkling white.
“How can you live here? I’d be afraid to touch anything.”
“I don’t actually get to spend a lot of time here. I think this will probably be the first time I’ve been able to spend two nights in a row here.”
I walked around admiring everything. I could feel Justin’s gaze following me all around the room. I turned suddenly and his eyes were glued to me. He’d been caught staring, but he didn’t seem embarrassed and he didn’t look away. If anything his stare became bolder.
“Aren’t you going to give me a tour?”
“Sure.” He took my hand and led me up the stairs. We came to a stop in front of the first door on the right. His bedroom. He ushered me into the room and then closed the door behind me. He went over to the bed and sat down on the edge of it, but I continued standing.
“Do you start all of your tours with the bedroom?”
“Why save the best for last?” He leaned back, resting his weight on his elbows. He cocked his head toward me in a beckoning gesture. “Come here.”
I shook my head and leaned against the closed door. “I’m just fine right where I am.” We both knew what was going to happen that night, but I thought he should work for it at least a little bit.
He grinned and I knew he could tell where I was coming from. He decided to play along. “Sorry I missed most of the party.”
“That’s okay. I had a good time anyway.”
“So I saw. I have to tell you, when I first stepped in there and saw JC dancing all over you with his hands on your hips, I had to remind myself that he was a friend. I didn’t like the way it looked.”
“So you’re the jealous type.”
He stood and walked toward me and he didn’t stop until he had my back pressed flat against the door. “I can be.” He put his hands on either side of my head effectively boxing me in. “Does that bother you?”
“Why would it bother me? I’m not your woman.”
He licked his luscious lips and let out the sexiest little laugh. “You’re gonna be.”
“Isn’t that a little presumptuous?”
“Nope. Just a fact.” He pressed his lips against mine and reached for the zipper running down the front of my dress, unzipping it all the way. He brushed the parted folds of fabric aside revealing the lacy red bra and matching thong that I had on. He traced his hands across my stomach, causing the muscles there to jump under his touch. His fingers went below the waistband of my underwear and didn’t stop moving until he reached the tight bundle of nerves at my center. He lightly stroked across me before moving lower and entering me, first with just one digit, a second following closely behind. His free arm snaked around my waist and he lifted me off the floor, using the pressure of his body to hold me up. I wrapped my legs around him, moving my hips in time to the thrusting rhythm of his hand.
We deepened our kiss, my moans of pleasure getting lost inside of his mouth. Suddenly Justin spun around with me in his arms and dropped me in the center of his bed. He was out of his clothes and on top of me with a condom in his hand before I even had time to blink. So much for making him work for it.
The first time was fast. Built up tension and anticipation made it impossible for either of us to hold out for long. As soon as he entered me my stomach started fluttering, my inner walls clenching around him. He thrust against me three, maybe four times and that was all it took for both of us.
The second time was completely different. It was slow and gentle. Justin took his time. He explored every inch of my body, like he was trying to memorize me. He was observant and attentive, taking note of every moan, every shiver. Like he wanted to learn everything it took to satisfy me.
By the third time, he knew my body so well that he had me begging, clawing his back and crying out his name. Sprung doesn’t begin to describe how he had me. It was our first night together and I did things with him that I hadn’t done with any guy I’d ever dated before. Justin had me completely turned out and it only took him a few hours to do it.
******************************************************************************
He woke me up the next morning by bringing me breakfast in bed. It was only a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and a glass of juice, but it was the thought that counted. The single rose that he’d laid across the tray touched my heart.
He sat down facing me, watching me eat. His intense stare made me think about how horrible I must look. I know that my makeup was probably smeared all over my face and the loose curls I’d had the night before were a rat’s nest matted against my head. He had actually made me sweat out my perm. Justin on the other hand looked as fresh as he ever did. You would never know that he had just rolled out of bed.
“Will you stop staring at me like that? We can’t all wake up looking pretty like you.”
“I think you look gorgeous.” He leaned forward and kissed me, then he made a face. “But your breath is kicking.”
I pushed against his chest. “You’re not exactly minty fresh yourself.”
He rolled his eyes. “No, I’m not. So I guess it won’t matter if I kiss you again.” He took the tray off my lap and sat it on the floor. He pressed his lips against mine and leaned over me, trying to ease me back into a reclining position. I knew what he wanted, but I wasn’t having it.
I pushed against his chest until he sat back. “No, Justin.”
“Why not?”
“If we have sex again I won’t be able to walk.”
“What if I said I’d carry you wherever you wanted to go?”
“Nice try. But no way. Didn’t you get enough last night? And earlier this morning?”
“I’m a nineteen year old guy. There’s no such thing as enough.” I glared at him and he gave it up. “Alright. I’ll let you rest. I forgot that your poor old bones probably can’t take it like they used to.”
“I’m barely four years older than you.”
“Practically ancient. But I won’t hold it against you. I like old women.” I popped him upside the head. “I meant to say older women.”
“If you want to make it to twenty you’d better watch your mouth.”
“Yes ma’am.” I made a move to hit him again, but he grabbed my arms and pulled me into a hug. “What do you want to do today?”
“I don’t know. What do you want to do?”
“You already said no to what I wanted to do.”
“Justin. . .”
“Maybe we could go shopping. Would you like that?”
“Yeah. That sounds good. I guess I can take a shower here and then you can drop me by the hotel to pick up a change of clothes.”
“You don’t have to do that.” Justin got up and rambled around in the back of his closet. When he came back he had a pink t shirt and a pair of blue jeans with him. I looked down at the clothes, the women’s clothes that he had just laid down, then I looked up at him.
“Whose clothes are these?”
“My cousin. She stays here whenever she’s in town and she left some clothes behind. You and her are about the same size, they should fit.”
It was a plausible enough story, but still I wasn’t sure. Justin sensed my hesitation.
“Do you really think I’d be bold enough to go to my closet right in front of you and pull out some other woman’s clothes for you to wear? I’d have to be crazy.”
The lie he was telling rolled off his tongue with practiced ease. He was just that bold and just that crazy. And I was just that gullible.
“Okay.” I picked up the clothes and carried them into the bathroom with me. I was in the shower for all of five minutes before Justin joined me. I’d like to be able to say that I continued to resist his advances, but the second I felt his warm soapy hands slipping across my skin, I knew I’d let him do whatever he wanted.
I had never been a particularly naive person and under normal circumstances I could smell a bullshit line from fifty feet away. But there was something about Justin that just short circuited part of my brain. Right from the start I let him have his way with me and I was willing to believe every word that came out of his mouth.
We spent the rest of the day going in and out of every store at the Florida Mall. I’d never been with a man that loved to shop so much. He went in Abercrombie & Fitch and it only took him twenty minutes to drop about as much money as I would make in a month. He was spending money like it was water and he was generous with me too. Despite my protests, he dragged me into Saks and preceded to buy me anything that I showed the slightest bit of interest in.
After wearing a hole in his credit card, we dropped by the hotel so that I could pick up my stuff and check out. When we got back to his place, we ordered in and had dinner by candlelight.
Once we finished eating we stretched out on the sofa. Justin had me pulled tight against him. My head was resting against his chest and I could feel the vibrations when he spoke to me.
“Do you really have to leave tomorrow?”
“Yes.”
“Isn’t there anything that I can do to convince you to stay for at least one more day?”
“You know I’d like to, but I can’t. I had to beg just to get this time off. If I’m not at work on Monday morning, I’ll be fired.”
“I know. I’m just gonna miss you. We go back out on the road on Tuesday and I don’t know when I’ll get a chance to see you again.”
“I’ll miss you too.”
“When ever you can get time off I’ll fly you to where I am. And I’ll call you every day.”
“You don’t have to say things because you think it’s what I want to hear.”
“That’s not what I’m doing. I know it’s way too soon to say something like this, but I’m gonna say it anyway.” He leaned away from me so that he could look in my eyes.
“I really feel like me and you could have something together. I don’t know how to explain it, but I’ve never felt this way before. Just this instantaneous comfort. I feel like I’ve been with you forever.”
“I feel it too.”
“I thought you did. I want to spend as much time with you as I possibly can. But I have to tell you something.”
“What?”
“You need to understand that having a relationship with me isn’t exactly the easiest thing in the world.”
I remembered the conversation we’d had the first night we met when he told me about the girlfriend that cheated on him because he wasn’t around.
“I understand that you’re busy.”
“It’s not just the time thing. You’re gonna hear a lot of crazy stuff about me. I can’t stand next to a female for five seconds without some magazine declaring that I’m engaged to her. It can be a lot to take.”
I sat up beside Justin and took his hands in mine. “I know better than to believe everything I read in tabloids. Unless you give me some reason not to, I’ll trust you and I’ll believe what you say.”
“I need to tell you something else. You know who Britney Spears is, right?”
“Yeah. What about her?”
“I was seeing her for a little while. I’ve known her for years and we even dated for a little while."
“Why are you telling me this?”
“Me and her are on the same record label and they think it’s good publicity for us to be seen together. So sometimes she’ll come visit us while we’re on the road and I’ll take her out to dinner or whatever. It’s nothing serious. Mostly just photo ops, but I just wanted you to know. You’re bound to see pictures of us together and I don’t want you to get the wrong idea.”
I was quiet for a minute, letting that information sink in. What he was saying didn’t really seem all that farfetched. I’d heard before that sometimes managers would push people to go out together just so that they could be seen.
“Does Britney understand that you two aren’t really dating?”
“Definitely. She’s got a boyfriend of her own back in Louisiana. What I have with her is basically a business arrangement.”
You see how he got me? He volunteered the information. I mean logically, if he were up to something shady, he wouldn’t have brought Britney up at all. Or at least that’s the bullshit rationalization that I fed myself. He had cast his line and he was reeling me in.
“I’m not worried about you taking some girl out to dinner. Just as long as you’re not sleeping with her, we won’t have a problem.”
He looked me straight in the eyes. “I swear to you, I have never had sex with Britney Spears.”
His voice and the look in his eyes was completely sincere. And why wouldn’t he have sounded sincere? It was true when he said it. At that point he hadn’t actually had sex with Britney Spears. Not yet.
“Then like I said, we don’t have a problem. Now can we move on? I really don’t want to spend our last few hours together talking about some other woman.”
Justin smiled at me and placed a light kiss on my cheek. We spent the rest of the night talking about his schedule and mapping out plans for when I could come and visit him.
The next morning he rode with me to the airport and kissed me goodbye at the gate. I spent the entire plane ride home thinking about him. Thinking about how lucky I was to have met him and how I couldn’t wait to see him again.
It would be three months before I found out what really kept Justin away from that Halloween party. He was out on a date with another woman.
I don’t think I have to tell you who it was a date with.
Chapter Five: LIke Father, Like Son by deebee73
Author's Notes:
I know, I know. I'm slow and lazy. Basically, I suck, lol.
May 2006
Justin has been here for almost two weeks and he’s been on his best behavior. He plays with Jonah and reads to him all the time. He calls if he’s going to be late coming home. He does the dishes, makes his own bed and takes out the garbage without being asked. He’s been completely respectful of the house rules that I set up. He’s been just as sweet as he can be.
Of course Jonah is thrilled, but I don’t know what to think of this new and improved Justin. I can’t shake the feeling that I should be waiting for the other shoe to drop.
No matter how many times I ask him why he’s all of a sudden decided to become the Father of the Year, he still hasn’t given me a satisfactory answer. I don’t want this to be another one of his temporary attitude shifts. If he goes back to being his regularly negligent self, Jonah will be devastated. It’s one thing to disappoint me, but if he hurts my son, I seriously think I’d try to kill him.
I’m trying to remain strong, but I find my heart softening toward Justin. I’ve found myself falling into a pattern with him. He drops Jonah off at preschool on his way into the studio and on the days when he doesn’t need to be in the studio until later in the afternoon, he’ll come back to the house and hang out with me. He’s played me a few of his new songs and even made a half-hearted attempt to teach me how to play the guitar. I declared that he was a lousy teacher and he said that I was unteachable. We argued about it, but not in a bad way. It was fun. Like the kind of silly arguments that people in love have with each other.
On this particular morning Justin came back from dropping Jonah off and he’s parked himself at the kitchen table. He’s flipping through some kind of paperwork and I’m reading a magazine, but every once in a while we glance up and kind of catch each other’s eyes. Everything is going along fine, until Justin’s cell, which is laying in the middle of the table, goes off.
He’s the kind of person that has a different ringtone for everyone he knows. He uses P. I. M. P. for that little troll Trace, and he uses Sweet Home Alabama for his mother because that’s one of her favorite songs from back in the day.
When I hear the tinkling notes of California Girls, I know exactly who’s calling. The phone rings about six times and then rolls over to his voice mail. Apparently the person that’s calling is really impatient, because they call right back. The best part is the way that Justin doesn’t even blink. He pretends not to hear the phone ring and he must think I’m deaf in addition to dumb.
After hearing that annoying ass song for what seems like the hundredth time, I can’t take it anymore.
"Justin, aren’t you going to answer that?"
He doesn’t even look up. "It’s not important."
"How do you know it’s not important if you won’t answer it?"
"Trust me. It’s nothing."
"Okay."
Immediately the phone rings again. He reaches his hand out to put it on mute, but I put my hand on top of his to stop him. "You seem very engrossed in those papers you have there. Do you want me to answer that for you?"
Justin doesn’t say a word. He just slides the phone over to me and lets me answer it. I’m not at all surprised by the shrill voice that greets me.
"Why didn’t you pick up, J? I’ve been trying to reach you for the longest time."
"Hello, Cameron."
"Kayla?" Her voice is equal parts confusion and anger.
That’s right, Ms. Diaz knows all about me and I know all about her crazy ass too. But that’s another story for another time. "Yeah, it’s me."
"Why the fuck are you answering Justin’s cell?"
"He’s staying with me for a little while." Justin doesn’t even try to get the phone away from me. He just sits at the table with a resigned look on his face.
"Why the hell is he staying with you?"
"That’s a good question. I’ve asked him, but he hasn’t given me a decent answer yet. Maybe he’ll tell you." I stretch the phone out in Justin’s direction. "It’s for you, J."
Justin snatches the phone from my hand and goes outside to take the call. I’m guessing that was the other shoe that I was waiting on.
Justin stays gone for about ten minutes and then comes back into the kitchen. I’m fully expecting for him to let me have it, but he doesn’t.
"You don’t have to worry about that happening again. I told Cam that I’m spending time with you and Jonah and I’d appreciate if she didn’t call while I’m here."
"What’s going on with you?"
"Wasn’t that the right thing to do?"
"I’m not talking about Cameron. Why are you here? Why are you being so nice to me and Jonah?"
"I love you. Both of you. I just thought it was about time that I started acting like it."
"I don’t believe you."
"Don’t or won’t?"
"Same difference."
"Haven’t I been good?" He asks this question like a little boy that thinks he’s being unfairly punished.
"A couple of weeks of not acting like your head is stuck up your ass isn’t going to make up for everything you’ve done."
"I know that. But I’m trying. I’m sorry and I’m trying to make up for it. Doesn’t that count for anything?"
"No. It doesn’t. Why can’t you just tell me the truth? Why have you suddenly decided to act like you care?"
Justin drops back into his chair. "Because of my father."
"What does Paul have to do with this? He doesn’t know anything about me or Jonah."
"Not Paul. My real father. Something happened with him that made me rethink some of the choices I’ve made." Justin stops talking and looks down at the table. "I’ll admit it. When I came to see you a couple of weeks ago, it was just about the sex."
"That’s hardly a revelation."
"Would you just let me get this out?"
I cross my arms against my chest and lean against the counter. "Whatever."
"My father, Randy, he called me. I asked about Jonathan and Steven and after that, there wasn’t anything to talk about. I had absolutely nothing to say to him. And I wasn’t interested in anything that he had to say to me. I made up some lame excuse that I was on my way out, just so I could get off the phone. I sat down and thought about it for a little while and it finally hit home with me that I don’t know my father and he doesn’t really know me."
"I was only two when my parents got divorced, but I still remember the yelling. I remember watching my mother crying and knowing that he was the reason. I remember weekends when he was supposed to come and get me and he didn’t. I remember all the times when he wasn’t there. I don’t want to call Jonah twenty years from now and realize that he doesn’t have anything to say to me. I don’t want him to think of me and only remember me as the person that made his mother cry. I want something better for my son than what I had. And I want something better for you than the hurt that my mother had. I want to be a better man than my father was."
He sounds sincere, but he always sounds sincere. Many times before he’s turned on the waterworks and laid out a sob story when he was trying to get me to forgive him.
"I want to believe you Justin. I really do. But you have to understand why it might be hard for me."
"Isn’t there anything I can do to make you believe me?"
"There’s one thing you could do for me."
"I’ll do anything. Just tell me."
"I want you to tell your mother about Jonah. She’s the most important person in your life and she doesn’t even know that you have a child. If you can tell her the truth about Jonah and me, I’ll be willing to give you the benefit of the doubt."
Justin pulls the corner of his bottom lip into his mouth and chews on it for a second before releasing it. I’m waiting for it. The blow up, the temper tantrum that I just know he’s about to have. But it never comes. Instead he smiles at me and nods his head.
"Okay."
I definitely wasn’t expecting that. "You have been hiding your son from day one and now all of a sudden you’re willing to tell your mother about him, just like that. Are you serious?"
"It’s about time. I know she’ll be upset that I waited so long to tell her, but she’ll be happy in the long run. She’s gonna love Jonah." He flips open his phone and starts to make a call, but I snatch it from his hand.
"What are you doing?"
"I’m going to call my mother and ask if she can come here. I really think this is the sort of news that I should tell her face to face."
"You’re doing this now? Right now?"
"You just asked me to."
"I know that, but I didn’t think you’d actually do it."
"I said I’d do anything and that’s what I meant. Unless of course you’ve changed your mind. If you don’t want me to tell her, I won’t."
Now I get it. He’s trying to bluff me. Thinking that the thought of having to meet his mother will cause me to panic and call the whole thing off. Two can play that game. I hand the phone back to him.
"Go ahead and call her." I fold my arms across my chest, fully expecting him to make up some sort of excuse. But instead he actually makes the call.
"Hey mama. Yeah I’m doing good. I wanted to know if you could come and see me. It’s really important, so the sooner the better. Call me when you get to the airport and I’ll pick you up. Alright, see you Saturday. Love you too. Bye."
Justin snaps his cell shut and stares at me. Almost daring me to say something.
"Is this some kind of trick? Was that actually your mother on the phone?"
"I guess you’ll find out in a couple of days, won’t you?"
******************************************************************************
I’ve been a nervous wreck since that day in the kitchen. I keep trying to convince myself that Justin is just playing games with me. Like any second now he’ll come in and give me some excuse about why his mother can’t come or why he can’t tell her about Jonah. But he hasn’t said anything.
Saturday morning rolls around and Justin just gets up and leaves the house without a word. I keep trying to convince myself that there is no way he will have his mother with him when he comes back. It’s late in the afternoon and I still haven’t heard from Justin. I put all thoughts of him springing his mom on me out of my head. I fully expect for him to come back talking shit.
Jonah and I are outside in the backyard tossing a baseball around, when I hear a car pull up outside. The doors slam and then I can hear footsteps on the gravel path that leads around the side of the house. When I look up, I see Justin coming toward me and he’s not alone. Even if I’d never seen a picture of her before, I’d know her immediately. Anyone could take one look at her huge mass of curly blonde hair and kind blue gray eyes and they would know that this was Justin’s mother.
Her eyes fall on Jonah as soon as she turns the corner into the yard. Jonah’s never been a shy child, so he steps right up to her.
"Hey."
She stoops down in the grass so that she can be eye to eye with him. "Hello. You must be Jonah."
He smiles at her and nods his head. "Who are you?"
"I’m your . . . " She hesitates like she’s not exactly sure how she should introduce herself. "I’m your daddy’s mama. I’m your grandmother."
"Okay." Jonah accepts that answer in the simplistic way that only a child can. "You wanna play ball with me and my mommy?"
She tries to smile, despite the tears forming in her eyes. "Maybe later, sugar. Right now I need to talk to your mother. Okay?"
Jonah shrugs his shoulders and goes back to throwing his ball in the air. She stands up and starts heading toward the house, with Justin and me following behind her. When we get up to the door, she turns around to Justin.
"You should stay out here and keep an eye on your son."
"He’ll be alright for a few minutes."
"I want to talk to Kayla alone."
"But mama . . . "
"Justin." Only the sound of her voice and a stern look are all it takes for Justin to turn around and take his narrow behind back to the yard.
I lead her into the kitchen and offer her a seat. "Would you like something to drink Ms. Harless?"
"A glass of water would be fine. And you can call me Lynn."
I pull a glass from the cabinet and a bottle of water from the refrigerator. I put both of them on the table and hope that she isn’t able to see how badly my hands are shaking. I sit down in the chair opposite her and we just sit there in silence for I don’t know how long before she speaks.
"You have a beautiful child, Kayla. He’s got your smile."
"Thank you."
"He looks so much like Justin did when he was that age." She stops talking for a minute. "I’m not a stupid woman. I know that Justin . . . gets around. I’ve turned a blind eye to a lot questionable behavior, but I didn’t think I’d raised him to be the kind of man that would do what he’s done. It would have been bad enough for him to hide his child from the public, but to not let me know that I had a grandson, that is just unforgivable."
I start to open my mouth, but she cuts me off. "If you’re even thinking about trying to defend him, please don’t."
I close my mouth because that is exactly what I was about to do. I sit back in my chair and let her talk.
"I spoiled Justin. Spoiled him rotten. I let him believe that the world revolved around him and he could do no wrong. I think every woman he’s ever dated has had to pay for that. He expects to be put on a pedestal and catered to all the time. If one woman won’t do it, he has no problem moving on to another."
Lynn opens the bottle of water and pours some in the glass, but she doesn’t take a sip. "Is he a good father?"
I don’t really know how to answer that question. "He loves Jonah."
"That’s not what I asked you."
"I think Justin wants to be a good father. I’m just not sure that he really knows how."
"And what about you?"
"What about me?"
"How does Justin treat you?"
That’s a discussion that I have no intention of having with his mother. "My relationship with Justin isn’t important. My only concern is Jonah. Whatever used to exist between me and Justin is gone."
Lynn studies my face and I find myself unable to look away from her eyes. "Are you sure about that honey?"
"Absolutely." I can tell by the look on her face that she doesn’t believe me, but she’s kind enough not to pursue the matter any further. "All I want is for Jonah to have a good relationship with his father. And with you. If you want."
"What makes you think that I wouldn’t want to be a part of that little boy’s life?"
"Jonah was born out of wedlock. Justin and I aren’t together anymore. I don’t know how you feel about me being black. I don’t know if this might all be too much for you to accept."
"None of those things matter to me. Not in the least. I’ll be the first to admit that this isn’t an ideal situation for anyone involved. But Jonah is my firstborn grandchild. I don’t want him to grow up without me."
I let out a breath that I didn’t even realize I was holding. "You don’t know what it means to me to hear you say that. I was so afraid that you wouldn’t want anything to do with me or Jonah. I thought you might dismiss me as some kind of gold digger or something."
"If you were a gold digger, you would have dragged Justin into court or gone screaming to the tabloids a long time ago. Quite frankly I wouldn’t have blamed you for doing either one."
"I’ve never been interested in having my name splashed across the front cover of Us Weekly. I wouldn’t do that to Jonah or Justin. I’m not that kind of person."
Lynn reaches out and covers my hand with her own. "I know that. Justin and I had a long talk before we came over here. He had nothing but good things to say about you. He told me that you’re a wonderful mother and a good woman."
I don’t have anything to say to that. I get up from the table and go to take a look out of the kitchen window. I have a clear view of the backyard from there. I can see Justin and Jonah lying down on the grass, staring up at the clouds in the sky. Lynn comes to stand next to me. She looks out the window and then she looks at me.
"You still love him, don’t you?"
"I told you that is over."
"I heard what you said with your mouth, but your eyes are saying something else." She puts her hand on my shoulder, urging me to turn and look at her.
"We just met and it’s certainly not my place to tell you what to do, but I would like to give you some advice. Things have always come too easily to Justin. Don’t just give in to him. He won’t appreciate you and he won’t respect you. If he wants you back, you make him earn it every step of the way."
Lynn gives me a motherly pat on the back, then she goes out to join Justin and Jonah in the yard. But I’m just standing there, letting her words run around in my head.
******************************************************************************
Lynn spent the rest of the afternoon doting on Jonah. She stayed until it was time to put him to bed, then Justin took her back to the hotel where she’s staying.
I’m sitting in the living room when Justin comes back from dropping her off. He comes in and sits down next to me.
"Is your mother okay?"
"She’s not exactly thrilled with the situation. She cursed a blue streak at me and threatened to beat my behind. But she’s already crazy about Jonah, so I think she’ll be fine. She just needs time to let everything sink in."
"I can understand that."
"She told me that you invited her to dinner tomorrow night."
"Yeah. I thought it would be nice to have a family dinner. I don’t have any idea what I’m going to cook though."
Justin lets out a snort. "You’re gonna cook?"
I narrow my eyes at him. "Yes."
"What did my mother ever do to you?"
"I know how to cook, jackass."
"Since when? Remember that chicken you cooked for me? I’ve never seen anything burnt black on the outside, yet still have ice in the middle. That takes real talent."
"This coming from a man who nearly burned down his whole kitchen trying to cook an Eggo waffle."
"You’re gonna keep bringing that up until the day I die, aren’t you?"
"No doubt." Sitting here shoulder to shoulder with Justin, laughing with him, reminds me that everything between us wasn’t awful. A lot of it was, but not all of it.
"I want to thank you for bringing your mother here."
"Don’t thank me for doing something that I should have had the decency to do a long time ago. Jonah needs to know his family. His whole family."
He lets out a soft breath of air. "I’m sorry, Kayla. I know that it doesn’t mean anything to you to hear me say that, but I don’t know what else to say. I’ve treated you and Jonah like you were something to be ashamed of when the only shameful thing was the way I was behaving. Can you ever forgive me?"
I look at Justin and the silent tears sliding down his cheeks make my heart ache. I lift my hands to his face and wipe the wetness away with my fingertips. I realize what I’m doing and try to move away, but Justin catches my hand and holds it against his face. He brushes a kiss against my palm.
"I forgive you Justin." He opens his mouth to speak, but I put my finger against his lips to silence him. "I forgive you for Jonah’s sake."
"What about us?"
"There is no us. Not anymore. And to be honest, I don’t think there ever really was."
Before he can say anything else, I go into my bedroom and close the door. Despite what I told him, I know that I’m coming dangerously close to letting him in again. My heart and my brain are doing battle. My heart is holding on to the hope of the future, but my brain can only remember the past.
Chapter Six: Surprise by deebee73
January 2001
I had only really known him for three months and we hardly got to spend any time together, but Justin had me wrapped around his finger. I can’t even try to deny it. He would send me plane tickets and I would beg, lie and do whatever else was necessary so that I could get time off work to go to him. When we couldn’t be together in person he would call me. He didn’t call every night, but I hadn’t actually expected him to do that anyway. But he would call at least three times every week. It got to the point where I wouldn’t go anywhere if I thought he was going to call. Rachel would ask me to go out with her, but I wouldn’t budge until I talked to Justin.
We had our share of phone sex, but that wasn’t all he called me for. We had long conversations that sometimes went on all night. I can’t tell you how many times I woke up to a dial tone, with the phone still pressed against my ear. Sometimes, though, Justin would call me and then all of a sudden I would find myself on the phone with JC. I think those conversations are what helped solidify my relationship with JC. I never could have guessed that he was just using JC to keep me busy while he took calls on his other cell phone. That’s right. That sneaky son of a gun had two cell phones. He was young, but Justin was working me like an old pro. When his other phone rang, he would stick the phone that he had me on in JC’s hand. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Before I found out what a scandalous bastard he was, I thought Justin was the best boyfriend in the world. Handsome, talented, funny, generous and the ability to do things with his hips that made grown women cry. What more could any woman ask for?
I was with him almost every weekend in November and I’ll never forget that Christmas. He timed his gifts to arrive so that starting on the 14th of December I would get one present everyday, right up until Christmas. Just like that song about the twelve days of Christmas. There was clothes, jewelry, cd’s, books. Anything that I had ever randomly mentioned to him that I liked or wanted, he got it and he sent it to me. He was so good to me. I remember one of the gifts in particular, because it was the sweetest thing that anyone had ever given me.
He sent me a teddy bear. But not just any teddy bear. This was a one of a kind bear that Justin had custom made just for me. This bear was named Teddy Timberbear. Teddy Timberbear was three feet tall , solid white and he had blue gray marbles for eyes. He was wearing a baby blue sweater, a pair of blue jeans, Nike tennis shoes and he even had little diamond studs in his ears. Not cubic zirconias, real diamonds.
Rachel thought it was the dumbest thing she’d ever seen before, but I loved that thing. I slept with that bear every night. I look back on that and I wonder what the hell was wrong with me. A grown woman sleeping with some big ass, corny ass, earring wearing teddy bear. But I couldn’t help myself. That stupid bear reminded me of Justin right down to the playful little smirk that was sewn onto his face.
Teddy Timberbear wasn’t the only thing about my relationship with Justin that troubled Rachel. She’d been supportive of my seeing him when she thought it was just a casual fling, but she became concerned when she saw that I was getting serious about him. She thought it was all too much, too soon. She thought that everything he’d told me about his relationship with Britney was a bunch of bull. Basically Rachel believed that Justin was full of shit. She was right, but I wasn’t trying to hear it. I had a man that loved me and she didn’t so I just dismissed her concern as jealousy.
The evidence was building that Justin was up to no good but I wouldn’t let myself see what was right in front of my face. Even when Rachel showed me the pictures of Justin and Britney at the American Music Awards in those ridiculously tacky denim outfits, I still refused to process the truth. Rachel asked me if seeing those pictures upset me and I told her the only upsetting thing was that Justin had actually left the house in those clothes. Rachel just shook her head at me like I was an idiot.
Things started to unravel after the Super Bowl. Nsync was one of the acts at that years half- time show. They performed with Mary J. Blige, Aerosmith, Nelly and Ms. Britney Spears. I hate football, but I sat through that entire game so that I didn’t miss a second of Justin walking across that stage like he owned it. Even now I can still admit that he looked damn good that night. He’d gotten his hair cut, his body was in top form and that cocky smile was working overtime. He called me on the Monday night after the game to make sure that I had watched and to discuss our plans for his upcoming birthday.
The conversation started off well enough, but it went downhill quickly. I was about to have my first encounter with asshole Justin.
I was waiting for his call and I practically leaped on the phone as soon as it rang.
"Hey, did you watch?"
"Watch what?"
"Don’t play with me."
"Calm down. Of course I watched. You guys were great. You and Miss Britney actually looked kind of cute up there together. I’m starting to get jealous."
"Well you shouldn’t be. What would I want with that little girl when I’ve got a woman to call my own?" Justin always knew the perfect thing to say. He had a line to smooth his way through every situation.
"I saw pictures of you and her at some Super Bowl party. You looked awfully cozy."
"That was just for the cameras. How many times do I have to tell you that nothing is going on? Don’t you believe me?"
"I do. But how much longer are you going to have to do this?"
"Not much longer. We’re heading to New York in a couple of weeks to start recording. By the time the new album comes out things won’t be like they are now." Truer words have never been spoken.
"Okay. It’s just that Rachel says. . ."
Justin cut me off. "How many times do I have to tell you not to listen to that bitch?"
"Justin, don’t talk about her that way. She’s my best friend. She’s just trying to look out for me."
"She’s jealous and she’s butting herself into something that’s none of her business. I’m sick of you telling me what she thinks."
"I know that but. . ."
"But nothing. Either you trust me or you don’t. Haven’t I been good to you?"
"You have. I just. . ."
"Don’t I try to spend as much time with you as I possibly can? I’m so tired that I can barely stand up. I should be in bed right now, but what do I do? I call you. Just because I need to hear your voice. And here you are accusing me of things. How do you think that makes me feel?"
"I’m sorry Justin. I won’t bring it up again." Was that some slick shit or what? He was the one living foul, but he had me apologizing to him. Boy had game and then some.
"Never mind. Let’s just forget it. Did you get the ticket I sent?"
The guys had decided to remain in Tampa for the rest of the week. Joey’s birthday was on the 28th and Justin’s was on the 31st. They planned to have one big blowout that weekend and Justin had sent tickets so that I could join them.
"Yeah, I got the ticket, but I won’t be able to come."
"What?"
"I tried Justin. But I can’t take anymore time off work. People are tired of switching shifts with me and I’ve used all my sick days."
"So?"
"What do you mean, so? So, I can’t come. I want to see you. But I can’t afford to lose my job."
"You don’t need that shitty job. I can take care of you until you find something else."
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. He had me strung out ,but I wasn’t totally crazy. "You expect me to lose my job, just so I can come and see you? You must be tripping." And then I made the mistake of laughing.
"What the fuck is so funny?"
"What are you expecting from me? Should I just quit my job and follow you around the world like some kind of love struck groupie? Would that make you happy?"
"What would make me happy would be to have a girl that was willing to make a few sacrifices to be with me."
"I have made sacrifices. You know that I want to see you, but it’s not going to be this weekend."
"What about my birthday?"
"I know it won’t be the same, but couldn’t we just celebrate your birthday next weekend? I talked to one of the girls at work and she can cover for me next week, just not this week."
"My birthday party is not next weekend."
"For god’s sake Justin. You’re not a child, you can celebrate your birthday anytime you want to."
Justin was quiet for a minute. His voice was so gentle when he did finally speak, I thought he had calmed down. "You know what baby?"
I let out a sigh of relief, because I thought he was no longer upset. "What?"
"Fuck it." Ah, Justin’s favorite phrase. I can’t tell you how many times I would hear those words over the next few years.
"What did you say?"
"You heard me, Kay. I said fuck it. If you don’t want to be with me on my birthday, that’s just fine. I don’t need you to have a good time. I’m gonna go out, get pissy drunk and I’m sure I can find someone that won’t mind spending the night with me."
"Justin, please don’t say that. I. . ." I never got to finish my sentence, because he slammed the phone down so hard, that the sound vibrated in my ear.
Now, anybody with half a brain would have been pissed off and cursing Justin’s name. Not me though. I called Justin’s cell several times. I tried calling his hotel room. I even tried calling JC. When I couldn’t get Justin on the phone, I decided to wait for him to call me back. He didn’t call back that night. Nor did he call the next day or the day after that.
By the time Friday came and I still hadn’t heard from him I started to panic. I couldn’t stand the thought of Justin being mad at me. So you know what I did, don’t you? When Rachel got home from work I was packing a bag.
"Kay, what the hell are you doing?"
"What does it look like? I’m going to see Justin."
"You have got to be kidding me. He has a temper tantrum and you just drop everything to go rushing off to his side? What’s wrong with you?"
"I have to see him."
"What about your job? You’re supposed to go to work tomorrow. You’re going to get yourself fired."
Everything she was saying to me was falling on deaf ears. I was too busy rushing around throwing stuff into my overnight bag. "I called work and I told them that my grandmother got sick and that I was the only person that could go and take care of her."
"Your grandmother is dead."
"They don’t know that."
"You’re making a mistake, Kay. Do you really want to give Justin the idea that he can snap his fingers and you’ll be right there?"
"You don’t understand. I’ll just pop in his party and then I’ll fly right back tomorrow. I have to do this."
"This is a bad idea and you know it."
I snapped my suitcase shut and snatched it off the bed. "I didn’t ask for your opinion and I don’t want it. As a matter of fact from now on, I’d appreciate it if you would keep your views on Justin to yourself."
"Suit yourself, Kayla. But I think you’re going to be sorry."
I left our apartment, slamming the door behind me. I paced around outside until the cab that I had called pulled up. I got to the airport just in time to make my flight. All I could think about was how surprised Justin would be when he saw me.
******************************************************************************
Once I got to Tampa, I got a cab straight to the hotel. They had rented out the entire top floor of the hotel and there was a private access elevator. Anyone that wanted to get up there had to go through security. I hadn’t met all of their bodyguards and at first I didn’t see anyone that I recognized. I called up to Justin’s room, but there was no answer. I paced around for a while and then finally I saw Mike come around the corner.
"Hey, Mike. I’m so glad to see you. These other goons wouldn’t let me go upstairs."
Mike glanced at me with a sympathetic look, but then a mask fell down over his face. He may have felt sorry for me, but he still had a job to do.
"I’m sorry, but you can’t go up there."
"Quit playing."
"I’m sorry Ms. James, but you’re not on the list of people that have been authorized to go upstairs."
What I thought was that Justin was still pissed at me. He wasn’t expecting me to show up, but he wanted to make it difficult for me just in case I did.
"Fine. Can you at least tell me whether or not he’s up there?"
His cool demeanor lifted for a second. "Kayla, you know I can’t tell you that."
I went back to the lobby and tried calling Justin’s room again, but still there was no answer. I was at a loss as to what to do, until I looked up and saw JC and Lonnie coming in the door. I jumped up and ran over to him.
I threw my arms around his neck. "JC, I’m so glad to see you."
Talk about a whiter shade of pale. JC turned colors when he saw me. "Hey, um, Kayla." He briefly returned my hug and then eased my arms from around him.
"Does Justin know that you’re here?"
"No. He won’t answer his phone and Mike refuses to let me go upstairs."
JC was quiet for a second. He was scrambling, trying to think of something to say. "I don’t think Justin is in his room. I think he went out."
"Do you know where he went?"
"No. I’m not sure. Why don’t you wait here and I’ll try to find out."
"Can’t I just come upstairs with you? I want to freshen up a little bit before I see Justin."
JC was clearly at a loss for anything to dissuade me from going with him. "Um. . .okay."
"Thanks." I grabbed my bag and followed JC into the elevator. It was a long ride to the top floor and JC spent the entire time trying to convince me that Justin wasn’t up there. We stepped out of the elevator and JC put his hand at my back, trying to rush me along.
While JC fumbled around in his pockets for his keycard, a loud female voice with a decidedly southern twang, carried down the hallway.
"There you are JC. We were looking for you."
I turned around and found myself face to face with Britney Spears.
JC looked back and forth between me and her. "Hey Brit. I’m kind of busy right now."
He finally found his key card and tried to gently shove me into his room. But it was too late. The door that Britney had just come out of opened up again and Justin came out. He flinched when he saw me. Britney grabbed Justin by the hand and dragged him over to where JC and I were standing.
"JC, we wanted to know if you wanted to have dinner with us."
I was standing there, frozen to the spot. Unable to tear my eyes away from the sight of Justin’s and Britney’s hands clasped tightly together. I’d seen pictures of them holding hands before, but that was all supposed to be for the cameras.
Britney suddenly seemed to realize that I was standing there. "Oh god. You must think I’m so rude. Just running my mouth without even introducing myself. I’m Britney."
She let go of Justin and extended her hand to me. She had the kindest, most unassuming smile on her face. I remember thinking that she seemed like such a sweet girl. I lifted my hand and shook hers, but I was too stunned to actually speak, so JC spoke for me.
"This is Kayla."
"That is such a pretty name."
I finally found my voice. "Thank you."
"Are you gonna come to the party tonight? It’s gonna be a lotta fun."
"No." JC cut his eyes at me. "I think we want to be alone."
"Oh." Then Britney’s eyes widened like she had just figured something out. "JC, you sly dog." Britney lightly slapped Justin across the stomach to get his attention. "Justin did you know about this?"
Justin only grunted at her in reply.
Apparently Ms. Spears had come to the conclusion that I was creeping around with JC behind Bobbie’s back. Close honey, but no cigar.
"Well y’all don’t have to worry about me saying anything. I know how to keep a secret. I can’t stand Bobbie anyways."
Britney kept prattling on, seemingly oblivious to the fact that she was the only person talking. "Anyway, we were just gonna grab a quick bite before the party gets started. Y’all are welcome to join us. If you don’t mind being seen with us. I know we look like a couple of drowned rats, but we just got out of the shower."
Her words caused me to take a closer look at her and Justin. They both had wet hair. I couldn’t shake the image of them being in the shower together from my mind. I felt like I’d been hit in the stomach.
JC gently took my hand in his. "Thanks for the offer, but Kayla’s kind of tired. I think she needs to rest."
"Alright. If you change your mind we’re just gonna be at the restaurant downstairs. It was nice meeting you Kayla."
I finally found my voice. "It was nice meeting you too." I glanced at Justin. Apparently, his initial shock at seeing me had passed. He met my gaze head on. There were a thousand different emotions swirling around in his eyes, but I couldn't tel if regret was one of them.
Britney grabbed his hand again and they walked toward the elevator. She wrapped her arms around his back and rested her head against his chest. Then the elevator came and they disappeared from my sight.
I walked into JC’s room like a zombie. He led me into the bedroom and sat me down on the bed. He was talking to me, but I just sat there staring straight ahead.
"Can I get you something? Do you want a drink or, um, I don’t know. Do you need anything?" He approached me and tried to put his hand on my shoulder.
"Don’t. Don’t you dare touch me."
"Kayla, I. . .I don’t know what to say."
"How long?"
JC furrowed his brow as though my question had confused him. "How long what?"
"How long has he been seeing her. Has he been dating her, really dating her, the whole time that he was seeing me?"
"I really don’t want to get in the middle of this. You should talk to Justin."
"You’re already in the middle of this. Clearly you knew that she was here. You knew that they were together. Now I want you to answer me."
"He was dating Britney before he ever met you."
"He already told me that he had dated her for a little while."
"You don’t understand what I’m saying. He was dating her when he met you. They never broke up. Justin has been dating Britney since last year. But they fight a lot. She makes him mad, he makes her mad, then they have like a little mini break up. Then Justin goes off and hooks up with someone else. He wines her and dines her for a couple weeks, sleeps with her a few times and then he and Britney get back together like it never happened."
"So I was just supposed to be one of his little flings?"
"That’s what me and him were arguing about at the Halloween party. I knew what he was planning to do and I didn’t think it was right."
"If you were so concerned, then why didn’t you say something yourself?"
"I couldn’t do that."
"Of course not. Bros before hos, right?"
"No. I liked you from the moment that I met you and I felt bad about what was going on, but I’ve known Justin since he was twelve years old. My loyalty lies with him. Even when he’s wrong."
"Was he with Britney on the night of the Halloween party."
"He thought she was going to be busy for the whole weekend, but she called him at the last minute to say that she was flying into town for a few hours."
"Did he sleep with her that night?" The thought that he might have rolled out of her bed and then slept with me a few hours later was making me nauseous.
"I don’t think so. But I honestly don’t know."
"How long did he plan to just string me along like this?"
"He was torn between you and Britney, but he told me that he was trying to make a decision. I know this may be hard for you to believe, but he really does care about you. He’s just confused."
"Confused? Are you kidding me? He’s not confused. He’s a lying bastard. I can’t believe that you think I’m going to sit here and listen to you defend him."
"I’m not trying to defend him. I’m just trying to explain." JC approached me hesitantly, but I made no protest when he sat down on the bed beside me. "I’m sorry. I really am. I was wrong to help him deceive you and I know that. Is there anything I can do to make you forgive me?"
"Tell me everything."
"I already told you everything."
"No you didn’t. I want to know every lie, every scheme, every trick. Start at the beginning and don’t leave anything out. You owe me that."
Guilt must have loosened JC’s tongue, because he spilled his guts. He told me about Justin’s cell phones. He told me that the clothes that Justin had me wearing probably belonged to Britney. He told me about all the times that Britney and I just missed seeing each other. By the time he was finished talking, I was sick. I don’t mean metaphorically. I was physically ill. JC held my hair back while I threw up and then he wiped my face with a damp washcloth.
He led me back to the bed and crouched down in front of me. "Do you have anyplace to stay tonight?"
"No. I had just planned to stay in Justin’s room. Guess I won’t be doing that now."
"Why don’t you just stay in here? I can sleep in Joey’s room. He’s probably going to be out all night anyway."
"I can’t ask you to give up your room."
"It’s the least I can do." JC grabbed his duffle bag from the floor. "I’ll come back in the morning and make sure you get to the airport on time." He started to leave, but he turned back to me one last time. "I really am sorry for the way things turned out. For what it’s worth, I was hoping that he’d choose you."
JC left the room and softly closed the door behind him. I laid there staring at the ceiling for about an hour, but eventually the mental and physical exhaustion I was feeling caught up with me and I fell asleep.
******************************************************************************
My sleep was far from peaceful. I’d been tossing and turning all night, so I was already half awake when I heard someone coming into the room. I sat up and squinted in the dark. "JC?"
I felt the bed dip as someone sat down. "No, it’s me."
I felt around until I found the lamp. The room filled with light and there was Justin. Sitting there staring at me. Before I could stop myself, I slapped him. The sound of my palm striking his cheek reverberated throughout the room. Hitting him felt so damn good that I wanted to do it again. I lifted my hand, but this time Justin caught my wrist.
His voice was steady and even when he spoke. "The first one was free because I know I’m in the wrong. Do not hit me again."
He slowly released me and I let my arm fall down by my side. I didn’t think he’d do anything to me if I hit him again, but I wasn’t going to take any chances. I sat there admiring the nice red hand print I’d left on his jaw.
"You have every right to be upset with me. But I think it’s only fair that you hear me out." I didn’t say anything, so he kept on talking. "I was going to tell you about Britney."
"That’s easy to say now that you’ve already been caught."
"I know it sounds like a bunch of bull, but it’s true. I was going to tell you. I just need for you to try and understand the position that I was in. I love Britney, I really do. But then I met you. I hadn’t planned to keep on seeing you, but I couldn’t help myself. I like you. I like talking to you. I like being around you. I didn’t want to break up with Brit, but I didn’t want to lose you either. I just wanted some time to think. Time to make up my mind about who I really wanted to be with."
"And I suppose that you were having sex with both of us as research to help you reach a decision?"
"It wasn’t like that, Kayla. Britney and I just started having sex a couple of weeks ago."
"Well, that just makes everything okay."
"I’m sorry for the way that you found out, but I’m glad to have it out in the open. I don’t like lying and sneaking around."
"But you’re so good at lying and sneaking around."
"I know that you’re hurt. . ."
"I’m not hurt. I’m pissed off." I was more upset with myself than I was with him. He had played me like an old fiddle and I had been too stupid to see what was right in front of my face.
"Just tell me why Justin? Why did you pursue me the way that you did? If all you were after was sex, why did you keep calling me and acting like you wanted to be with me?"
"It wasn’t just about sex. I really thought that I wanted to be with you. If Britney wasn’t in the picture, I would be with you. But she is. We fight and make each other miserable sometimes, but I love her. I’ve had a crush on her since we were kids."
"Why are you telling me all this?"
"I need for you to understand why I did what I did. I don’t want you to feel like I was just using you."
"You’re just trying to soothe your guilty conscience by feeding me a bunch of shit."
"That’s not true."
"I think it is. And do you know what else I think? I think you were just using me for sex because your little virgin pop princess wasn’t giving you any. But now that she’s decided to give it up, you don’t need me for anything, so you don’t care that I know."
He just looked at me and it’s not even like he could deny what I’d just said. "Kay. . ."
"You know what? I don’t want to hear another word from you. You’re a deceitful dog and I’m an idiot. Why don’t we just leave it at that?"
"I’m sorry."
"Can you just get the fuck out of here?"
Justin stood up from the bed. "I know that you’re mad at me right now, but I hope that you and I can still be friends."
The oldest, lamest breakup line in the book and he actually said it. I didn’t think he’d say it. He must have been out of his ever loving mind to say it. But he said it.
"I don’t have a lot of real friends. There’s not a lot of people in my life that speak to me honestly and tell me what they really think. That’s one of the things that I like most about you. I don’t want to lose that."
"You were never my friend, Justin. Friends don’t look each other in the eye and tell bold faced lies. Friends don’t make fools out of each other. From now on when you feel like having a late night chat, I suggest you call your girlfriend."
"I really am sorry."
I couldn’t stand to look at him for another second. "Why are you still in here?"
"I just need to say one more thing. I know that you’re upset with me, but I would hope that we could just keep what’s happened between us."
"Who do you think that I’m going to tell?"
He didn’t answer me, he just let his gaze fall to the floor. Slowly it occurred to me what he was trying to get at.
"Is that the real reason why you came in here? To make sure that I wouldn’t go and tell the National Enquirer about my wild nights with Justin Timberlake?"
That was the last straw. Without even looking I reached around and snatched the lamp from the bedside table. I threw it as hard as I could. Unfortunately, I didn’t hit Justin. He had ducked out of the door just in time.
I couldn’t get back to sleep after that. I didn’t even try. The next morning JC came back, just like he said he would. He apologized one more time and arranged a limo to take me to the airport.
When I got home I told Rachel everything and I apologized to her. She told me that I should just be glad that I had found out what Justin was all about. It was a good thing that I had gotten away from him before I got in too deep.
But I wasn’t really away from him and things were only going to get deeper.
We Can't Be Friends by deebee73
Chapter Seven: We Can’t Be Friends
June 2006
Lynn spent the rest of May in Atlanta. She took Jonah to the zoo and the circus. They went to the Fernbank Museum to look at the dinosaur exhibitions. And of course she took him shopping. That little boy has more clothes, shoes and toys than any other child on the face of the planet. Jonah was stuck up under her the entire time that she was here and he took to calling her grandma like he’d known her all his life. Much like his father, Jonah wasn’t about to turn down the opportunity to have another woman in his life that was going to shower him with affection. She left town a few days ago after making me promise that both Jonah and I would come visit her in Tennessee.
It’s a Sunday afternoon and Jonah and Justin are at the park. I’m enjoying the momentary silence, stretched out in front of the tv, when I hear someone coming in my front door. At this moment it occurs to me that way too many people have the keys to this house.
“Kayla, Kayla, Kayla. What the hell are you thinking?” Rachel comes over and shoves my legs onto the floor so that she can sit down. “Why are you letting Justin stay here?”
I can’t help the surprise on my face. I’d done my best not to let Rachel find out that Justin was actually living here, just so I could avoid the conversation that we are obviously about to have. “How did you find that out?”
“JC called me. He said that he couldn’t talk any sense into you, but he hoped you’d listen to me when I told you what a horrible idea it is to have fuckface staying here.”
“Haven’t we matured from the name calling stage?”
“Please. Like he doesn’t curse me out at every available opportunity.”
She’s got a point there. I won’t even repeat some of the things that he’s called her.
“I think that you and JC both have the wrong idea about what’s going on with me and Justin. He is only staying here so that he can spend time with Jonah. Justin and I aren’t sleeping together anymore. We talked about it and came to the mutual decision that it would be better for us to be friends.”
Rachel rolls her eyes to the ceiling. “Do I need to remind you what happened the last time that you decided that you could be friends with Justin?”
“No, you do not have to remind me. But this is a completely different situation.”
“How is it any different?”
“Well for one thing that was four years ago. I’d like to think that I’ve smartened up some since then.”
“The fact that you’re letting him live here casts some serious doubt on how smart you are. What else do you have?”
“Justin and I both realize that we aren’t any good for each other.”
“Correction. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to Justin. He, on the other hand, is a complete nightmare for you.”
“None of that matters. Justin hasn’t made a move on me since he’s been here. He’s been completely respectful of the fact that I don’t want to have that kind of relationship with him anymore.”
Rachel gets up and starts pacing back and forth in front of me. “He is just biding his time. But sooner or later he’s going to come slinking around with no shirt on, then he’ll lick his lips and give you that look and you are going to fold like a cheap lawn chair.”
“Oh come on. Do you really think that I’m so weak that Justin can just flash a little skin at me and I’ll just fall flat on my back?”
“Yes. I do think you’re that weak. And so does Justin. He doesn’t believe that you’ve moved on from him. You haven’t given him any reason to believe that you’ve moved on.”
“What do you expect me to do?”
“You could try going out on a date.”
“I’ve been on dates.”
“When’s the last time that you went out?”
I’m thinking hard, but the truth is it’s been so long that I can’t really remember.
“Honey you haven’t been on a date in over two years. Justin’s little impromptu late night hit and runs don’t count.”
“I’ve been too busy trying to raise my son to meet anybody.”
“There are plenty of single mothers that somehow manage to meet guys. You know that if you want to go out Brian and I would be more than happy to look after Jonah.”
“I’ve been caught up with Justin for so long that I wouldn’t even know where to start trying to find someone to date.”
“I happen to know someone that wants to date you. Real nice guy. Wavy brown hair. Biggest blue eyes you’ve ever seen. Not quite six feet tall, hard body. Used to be in a boy band. Last name starts with a ‘C’. Is that description ringing any bells?”
“There is no way in the world that I am going to go on a date with JC.”
“Why not? You already practically sl-”
I cut her off before she can finish. “I wish I had never told you about that. It was a mistake and it’s never going to happen again. Besides Justin would have a fit if I went on a date with JC.”
“That’s reason enough to do it. And truthfully, Justin is going to have a fit no matter who you go out with.”
“I’m not going on a date with JC.” I stare Rachel down until she backs off.
“I figured you’d say that. That’s why we have plan b.”
“Rachel, what have you done?”
“Brian works with this guy that would be absolutely perfect for you.”
“I don’t do blind dates.”
“Beggars can’t be choosers, Kay. I’ve met the guy myself and I think that you would love him. His name is Eric. He’s thirty two. He’s smart, funny and totally gorgeous.”
“How gorgeous?”
“We’re talking Maxwell gorgeous. He’s got the hair, the dimples, everything.”
I love me some Maxwell, but still. “I don’t know if I’m ready for this, Rach.”
Rachel sucks in a thin stream of air through her teeth. “We already told him about you and showed him your picture. He said that you were cute.”
“You showed him my picture? Does he think that I’m completely desperate?”
Rachel tosses her hair over her shoulder and smiles at me. “Not completely.”
“I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but you can just tell this guy that I’m not interested. I’m not ready to go out on a date and I’m not going to force myself just so I can prove a point to Justin.”
“Fine. But let me know if you change your mind.”
I get up and give Rachel a hug. “I don’t think that’s going to happen.”
******************************************************************************
After Rachel left I drifted off to sleep. I’m woken up a few hours later by the sound of Jonah and Justin coming home. Jonah bounds over to the sofa and jumps into my lap.
“Did you have a good time?”
“Yeah. Daddy and me played basketball.” Justin scoops Jonah out of my lap and lifts him into the air.
“I think we might have a future NBA star on our hands.”
“Last week you said he was the next Tiger Woods.”
“He can do both. But first he probably needs to take a nap. I think he’s a little worn out.”
“I’m not sleepy, daddy.” Jonah says this while yawning.
Justin rubs his nose against Jonah’s. “I know you’re not sleepy, but it would make me really happy if you would just lie down for a few minutes anyway. Okay?”
“Okay.”
“Good. Now give mommy a kiss.” Justin brings Jonah over to me and he gives me a big smack on the cheek.
Justin disappears down the hallway with Jonah in his arms. He comes back a few minutes later and falls into a chair. “He was asleep by the time his head hit the pillow.”
“I figured he would be.”
“God, it’s hot.” When I glance over at Justin, he’s plucking at the sweaty material of his tank top and fanning himself.
“Why are you telling me? If you’re hot, turn the air up.”
Justin gets up from the chair and fiddles around with the thermostat. Then he pulls his shirt over his head and drops it onto the back of the sofa.
Rachel doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Justin is standing just inches away from me in very little clothing and I could not care less. I am not tracking the progress of the single bead of sweat that’s sliding down the center of his chest. I am paying no attention to the thin sheen of perspiration glistening on his skin. And I have absolutely no interest in the fact that his baggy, low slung shorts look like they are only seconds away from falling right off his hips.
Nope. I don’t care about none of that. But still I think it’s best if I look the other way and get him out of this room as soon as possible.
“I know you did not just drop your funky shirt on my furniture.”
He screws up his face. “Why my stuff gotta be funky?”
“It’s the middle of the summer and you just got done running around on a basketball court. Now get that shirt off my sofa and go take a shower or something.”
“Are you trying to say that I stink?”
“You don’t need me to tell you that you’re less than fresh. You’ve got a nose.”
“So, it’s like that?”
“It’s just like that.”
I can tell by the look on his face what he’s about to do, but I’m too slow to get away. Justin launches himself at me and stretches out on top of my body.
“Justin, get off me.”
“Why should I?”
“Because you’re heavy and you’re musty.”
“Now see, I was gonna move. But now that you’ve insulted me and hurt my feelings, I’m gonna have to a lie here until I feel better.”
“If you don’t get your rank behind off me, you’re gonna be sorry.”
“What are you gonna do?”
I put my hands against his chest to push him away. But the feel of his soft skin and hard body sliding under my fingertips makes me forget what I’m supposed to be doing. Instead of pushing him away, I want to slide my arms around his back and pull him closer. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, trying desperately to clear my head.
“Please move.”
“I really don’t want to.” Justin grabs my hands in his and raises my arms above my head. He stares into my eyes and then his gaze drops to my mouth. I know that he’s about to kiss me and I don’t do anything to try and stop him. His lips brush against mine, lightly at first but the pressure increases with each passing second. He lets go of my hands and grips me around the waist.
He gently eases his tongue into my mouth and my first natural reaction is to caress his tongue with my own. Justin has never been a particularly patient man and his passion can go from zero to sixty in a matter of seconds. What starts off as just a little kissing quickly turns into something more. I can feel him using his knee to wedge my legs apart and his hands are busy at work trying to get my jeans open.
I bring my arms up and my hands grip the back of his head, pulling him deeper into our kiss. He starts to roughly pull my jeans down my hips and I can feel his growing erection pressing against my thigh. There’s a million thoughts racing through my brain, but one pushes itself to the front of my mind. I can hear Justin’s mother speaking to me. Her voice is so loud and clear that it’s almost like she’s in the room with us.
Her words give me the strength to push Justin away. “Get up. Now.”
Justin slides away, giving me room to get up from under him. “What’s wrong?”
I stand and pull my jeans back up. “I can’t believe that you’re asking me that. I thought that we had agreed that we would just be friends.”
“We did.”
“Then what the hell was that?”
“That was just a little kiss. There’s no law against friends kissing each other. Or touching each other.”
“When’s the last time you tried to stick your hand down Trace’s pants?”
Justin starts grinning at me, showing all his teeth. “He’s not really my type.”
“This is not funny, Justin. Is it impossible for you to have even a little respect for what I want?”
The smile drops off his face almost instantly. “You are completely overreacting.” Justin gets up and snatches his shirt off the sofa. “Just for future reference, if you don’t want me to touch you or kiss you, you should push me away. Not pull me closer.”
He stomps out of the room and a few seconds later I can hear the bathroom door slamming shut.
I go into my room and flop down on the bed. Rachel was right. I am weak. She knows it, JC knows it, even Justin’s mother knows it and she just met me. More importantly though is the fact that Justin knows it. If I don’t do something, it will only be a matter of time before he’s right back in my bed.
I roll over and pick up my phone from the bedside table. After a few rings, Rachel picks up. “Hey.”
“What’s up, Kay?”
“Do you think that Eric is free this Friday night?”
******************************************************************************
I’m staring into the freezer trying to decide if I really feel like cooking or if I just want to run to McDonald’s, when Justin comes into the kitchen.
“I’m sorry about earlier. I wasn’t trying to disrespect you. It’s just that it’s hard for me to be that close to you and not kiss you. But it was wrong and it won’t happen again. I promise.”
I let the freezer close and turn to face him. “Don’t even worry about it.”
“Are you sure? Cause you seemed really upset earlier.”
“I’m over it. This is new territory for us and there was bound to be at least one slip up. It’s not a big deal. Besides, I’m just as responsible for what happened as you are.”
“So we’re cool?”
“Absolutely.” I’m trying to think of a delicate way to broach the subject, but I might as well just come out with it. “Do you have any plans for this Friday night?”
“Nope.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah. I figured we could just rent a movie and hang out at home. Why?”
“I’m going out and I need for you to watch Jonah for me.”
Justin shakes his head and pulls a pack of Oreos from the cabinet. “Do you mean that Rachel’s husband lets her run in and out of the clubs?” He laughs and starts stuffing his mouth with cookies. “Don’t let her get you in trouble out there in the streets.”
“I’m not going out with Rachel.”
“Then who are you going out with?”
“I’m going out on a date.”
Justin abruptly stops chewing. “You’re going out on a date?”
“Yes.”
“With a man?”
“Yes. You haven’t turned me into a lesbian yet.”
He looks at me like I must be crazy. “Let me get this straight. You expect me to babysit while you go out with some other guy?”
“That about sums it up.”
“Kay, you must be out of your fu. . .” He stops right in the middle of his rant. He closes his eyes and I can hear him counting to ten under his breath. He opens his eyes again and a pleasant look comes over his face.
“I want to apologize for that. You caught me off guard and I spoke without thinking. I’m more than happy to look after Jonah and I hope that you have a good time.”
What the hell was that? “What’s wrong with you?”
“I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that. You have every right to go anywhere that you want, with whomever you want to go with.”
“You’re really okay with me going out on a date?”
“It doesn’t matter if I’m okay with it or not. It’s none of my business.” Justin pulls his keys out of his pocket. “I’m gonna go to McDonald’s and pick us up some dinner. Be right back.” Then he gives me another smile and goes out the back door.
I don’t know what just happened, but I get the feeling that I should be very concerned.
******************************************************************************
I’m nervous about going out tonight, but I’m excited too. I spent the day at the salon, getting my hair and nails done. I’ve gotten used to slouching around the house with no make up and my hair in a ponytail. It feels good to have a reason to get all dressed up.
I’ve talked to Eric and told him all about Jonah. But I didn’t see any reason to bring up Justin. There would just be too much to explain. So Justin has agreed to stay out of the way until after we leave.
The doorbell rings and I open the door to find Eric standing there with a big smile on his face. Rachel was right. He does look a little bit like Maxwell. He opens his mouth to speak to me, but then something over my shoulder seems to get his attention. I look behind me just in time to see Justin come into the room with Jonah on his hip. Justin is dressed like he’s going to a Kevin Federline look a like contest. He’s wearing a white wife beater, some baggy assed khaki cargo pants and he’s got on a baseball cap that looks like somebody threw it at his head. Sideways.
“Who is that?” I’m so horrified by what I’m seeing that I almost forget that Eric is standing there for a minute. I don’t even know how to answer that question, but that’s okay because Justin answers for me.
“Don’t mind me. I’m just her baby’s daddy.”
I have never been so embarrassed in my life. I look at Eric and I can slowly see the light of recognition coming on in his eyes. “Isn’t that . . .”
“Don’t worry about who he is. Please excuse me for just a second.” I go over and push Justin and Jonah into the kitchen. Between my son and his father I couldn’t tell you which one currently has the bigger pout on his face.
“Who’s that man, mommy?”
“He’s a friend of mine, Jonah.”
Jonah’s cute little face scrunches up into a big ugly scowl. “I don’t like him.”
“That’s not fair, honey. You don’t know him.”
Then Justin has to add in his two cents. He puts his mouth right up to Jonah’s ear, like he’s telling him a secret, but he’s speaking loud enough for me to hear it too. “I don’t like him either.”
“I don’t recall asking for your opinion, Justin.”
“I’m just saying. Ol’ boy looks like a buster to me.”
“Yeah mommy. He’s a buster.” Jonah and Justin give each other dap and then start laughing in the same loud, immature way.
I would spank both of them, but I think Justin would like it. “Put him down.” Justin stoops down and lowers Jonah to the floor.
“Go to your room.” Instead of doing what I just told him to do, Jonah looks up at Justin. Like he needs his approval before he does what I say.
“Don’t look at him. Just go.”
“You heard your mama. Get to stepping.” Justin lightly taps Jonah on the behind and sends him on his way.
“What kind of ghetto bullshit was that, Justin?”
“What did I do?” He can barely stop himself from laughing.
“What was all that baby’s daddy mess?”
“He asked who I was and I told him.” Justin hops up on the kitchen counter. “Am I not your baby’s daddy?”
“I begged you to stay in the back with Jonah until after we were gone.”
“Did you really think I was gonna let you leave the house with some stranger without taking a look at him?”
“He is not a stranger.”
“Have I ever met him before?”
“No. But. . .”
“Then he’s a stranger to me.”
“I know what you’re trying to do and I won’t let you. This is the first real date that I’ve been on in a long time. Please don’t ruin it for me.”
“I’m not trying to ruin anything.”
“Yes you are. I don’t think it’s too much to ask for you to butt out of my life for three or four hours.”
“Three or four hours?” Justin looks at me as though I said I’d be gone for three or four days. “Where all the hell are y’all going?”
“We’re going to see a movie and then we’re going to dinner.”
“That sounds thrilling.” His sarcasm is obvious.
“I know that it must sound boring to you, but those are the kind of things that normal people do on dates.”
“You deserve something better than normal. Do you remember how much fun we used to have when we were in Virginia and I would take you to Pharrell’s house parties?”
“Yeah, I remember those parties. I have a particularly vivid memory of the party where you disappeared for twenty minutes and came back with your shirt on inside out and your pants unzipped. That was all kinds of fun.”
Justin slides off the counter and stands in front of me with a guilty look on his face. “I forgot about that. I’m. . .”
“I know. You’re sorry. You’re always sorry. Now can you please, please just let me have this one night.” I turn my back on Justin and go back into the living room.
I grab my purse and try to put on a happy face for Eric. I’m trying to pretend that he probably didn’t hear every word of the ridiculous argument I just had with Justin. Somehow, I don’t think there’s going to be a second date.
******************************************************************************
When I get home, Sanford & Son is blaring from the tv and Justin is stretched out in the easy chair, sleeping. I slam the door as hard as I can just to wake him up. He sits up and stretches.
“Hey. Did you have a good time?”
I glare at him as I cross the room to turn the tv off. “Does this look like the face of someone that had a good time?”
“Not really. Did he try something with you?”
“No, Justin.”
“Cause if he did, all you have to do is tell me and I’ll kick his ass.”
“He didn’t do anything to me.”
“Then what was the problem?”
“You were the problem. All he wanted to do was ask questions about why I’m shacking up with the dude from Nsync. Every time I thought he was done talking about it, he’d come right back to it. He even wanted to know if he could get your autograph for his niece.”
Justin actually has the nerve to laugh about that, but I silence his snickering with a look. “Why couldn’t you have just stayed out of sight like I asked you to?”
“I was just trying to look out for you. That’s what friends do for each other.”
“You weren’t trying to look out for me. You were trying to destroy my date. And you can congratulate yourself because you succeeded.”
“Alright, alright. I acted like a jackass. The thought of you going out with some other guy freaked me out and I didn’t know what to do. I was jealous.”
“I can’t believe that you would begrudge me one lousy date. Did you forget that you have a girlfriend? No wait, she’s your fiancé now. Isn’t she?”
Justin rolls his eyes at me like I’m saying something ridiculous. “Cameron doesn’t have anything to do with this. My relationship with her doesn’t have anything to do with you and me.”
“Do you even listen to yourself when you talk? Isn’t she in Los Angeles waiting for you to come home? As soon as you get tired of playing house with me and Jonah you’re gonna go traipsing right back to Cameron. Don’t bother to deny it, because you know it’s true.”
“It’s not gonna be like that, Kay. Not this time. I promise.”
“Your promises mean less than shit to me at this point.”
“I know. I know that you don’t trust me. I know that my word doesn’t mean anything to you. And I know that you’re tired of hearing me apologize. But I don’t know what else to say.”
“I’m tired and I’m in no mood for another long, drawn out discussion about how sorry you are and how you’ll do better. I don’t want to hear it.”
“Kay, please.” Justin gets up and grabs my arm, but I shrug him off. “I really would like for us to be friends.”
“We can’t be friends.”
“Why not? If we wipe the slate clean starting at this very moment, what reason is there that we can’t be friends?”
“Because. . .” And I stop right there. There’s about a million reasons why Justin and I can’t be friends. But the main reason, the most important reason, is something that I don’t even want to think about and I’m certainly not going to say it to him.
Justin extends his hand to me and gives me a warm, genuine smile. “Just give me one more chance. I swear I won’t let you down again.”
I let myself get drawn in by the hopeful look on his face. I shake his hand and force a smile onto my own face. “Okay, one more chance.”
Justin exhales and his smile widens. “Thank you.”
“Whatever. I’m going to bed.”
“Alright. I’m sorry about messing up your date. Maybe if you call Eric and explain things to him, you guys could get together and try again.”
“Maybe I’ll do that.” I head down the hallway to my bedroom and close the door behind me. I step over to my dresser and stare at my reflection in the mirror. I watch the phony smile slowly disappear from my face. I barely even recognize myself anymore. I can only see traces of the woman that I used to be.
I grab a Kleenex and start to wipe the make up from my face. I don’t have any intention of calling Eric for another date. I could talk until I turned colors and I’d never be able to explain my relationship with Justin. Besides, that date was doomed long before Justin put in his appearance. I’m not ready to date anyone else for the same reason that Justin and I can never truly be friends.
I change into my nightgown and crawl into bed. I hug my pillow tight against my chest, wishing that it could hug me back. As I drift off into yet another night of restless sleep, the words from an old song play on a continuous loop in my brain.
We can’t be friends, cause I’m still in love with you.
A Severe Case of Backsliding by deebee73
July 2001
I didn’t really waste a lot of time crying over Justin. We had only dated for a little while and I wasn’t the type to obsess over anything. I spent about a week listening to Alanis Morrissette and then Rachel helped me dismember Teddy Timberbear, but after that I was pretty much over it. At least that’s what I told myself.
As Rachel always says, the best way to get over one guy, is to get under another one. I wasn’t going to take it that far, but I did start dating someone else. Garrett Stephens was a doctor at the clinic where I worked. He had been interested in me for a little while, and now that I wasn’t seeing Justin anymore I decided to give him a chance. He wasn’t exactly the most exciting man in the world, but he was kind and attractive. And most important, he was genuine. He called when he said he would and never did anything to make me feel like I couldn’t trust him. From time to time I would find myself comparing him to Justin and he would always come up short. But being with him made me feel comfortable and safe. Two things that I definitely needed at the time.
So I fell back into the regular routine of my life and put all thoughts of Justin out of my mind. I was doing a good job of not thinking about him until he started calling. Apparently he was actually serious when he said that he wanted to be friends with me.
Sometime around the middle of February he started calling. His calls would always come late at night. He would conjure up the most pathetic voice he could come up with and beg me to talk to him. Naturally, Rachel and I took turns cursing him out. We even made a game out of it. We would plan ahead, making up the most colorful, inventive insults that we could. After getting thoroughly clowned for about two weeks, Justin gave up.
Then in March, JC started calling. Rachel said that I should hang up on his behind too. And at first I did. But one night when he called I actually listened to what he had to say. He seemed genuinely sorry for his part in what had happened. I started to understand how he must have felt, being caught in the middle of Justin’s lies. Little by little he started to win me over.
It got so that I would look forward to his calls. I would tell him about what was going on in my life and he would tell me what was happening with the group and his latest fight with Bobbie. They were fun, friendly conversations and he was always careful to edit his stories so that Justin’s name never came up. Or at least that’s the way it was at first.
JC is a lot smoother than most people would give him credit for. He gradually started to work Justin’s name into our conversations. He would tell me small things, but if I said I didn’t want to hear it, he would immediately stop talking about him and move on to something else. But eventually he would always come back to him. Then he started telling me that Justin had asked about me, that he wanted to know if I was okay. Then he let me know how sorry Justin was for everything that had happened. Bit by bit most of our conversations started to be about Justin. Some funny thing he’d said or some silly thing he’d done.
One thing that I had to find out the hard way is that JC is Justin’s biggest enabler. Justin makes a mess and JC seems to have an almost pathological need to come behind him and try to clean it up. They’ll knock each other senseless and curse each other out, but they’ll still come to each other’s defense. So when Justin asked JC to try and smooth things out with me, that’s what he did.
One night in the middle of April, JC and I were on the phone. We talked about all the usual stuff, then he asked me to hold on for a second. I could hear him put the phone down and when it was picked up again, Justin was on the other end. I should have hung up, but the truth is I missed the sound of his voice. We only talked for about five minutes and then JC came back on the phone. They kept up those tag team phone calls for a couple of weeks, but by the time May rolled around, Justin started calling me without JC. And like an idiot, I talked to him.
Justin listened attentively and started to take on a kind of brotherly attitude toward me. He even gave me some dating advice. Most of which I completely ignored, but still it was nice. More than anything else, I really had missed talking to him. I was trying to have a mature attitude about the whole situation. Yes, Justin had lied to me. But I figured that everyone is entitled to a second chance. I felt like Justin was young and immature and he’d made a mistake. I decided to forgive him. I didn’t ever intend to have an intimate relationship with him again. But I told myself that we could be friends. Big mistake.
Justin and I were getting along so well that when he invited me to come to Tampa to catch a performance of the Pop Odyssey tour, I agreed to go. July 31st 2001. I will never forget that date for as long as I live.
Rachel told me that it was a horrible idea for me to get involved with Justin in any kind of way. She practically begged me not to go to that stupid concert, but of course I didn’t listen. Anyone that would like to slap me for my idiocy should form a line.
******************************************************************************
I took great care in choosing an outfit for the show. I’d been spending a lot of time in the gym and I wanted to flaunt all of my hard work. And if Justin looked at me and thought about what he’d passed up, that was just a bonus. I was wearing a white, midriff bearing halter top and a pair of white capri pants that fit like a second skin. I got dressed and a limo took me to the stadium.
They put on an incredible show that night. Of course I had the best seat in the house and both Justin and JC made eye contact with me as they walked out onto the catwalks that extended into the audience. After the concert was over, I went ahead to the nightclub where they were having their after party, while Justin, JC and the rest of the band went back to the hotel to shower and change their clothes.
Justin had gotten me a room on the same floor in the hotel that had been reserved for the group, but they were already gone to the stadium by the time I had arrived that day, so I had only seen JC and Justin on the stage. I had tried to convince myself that seeing Justin again wasn’t going to be a big deal, but the closer it got to him actually showing up, the more nervous I became.
The club we were in had five VIP rooms and the biggest one had been reserved for Nsync. The room was filled with various groupies and hangers on, including Bobbie and Trace. Bobbie looked at me, shook her head and then immediately looked the other way. I hadn’t been formally introduced to Trace yet, so I didn’t really have anyone to talk to. I was standing around, starting to wonder if I should make a break for it, when the song Pop started playing. That was the DJ’s way of letting everyone know that the guys had arrived.
The first person that I saw was JC. His face lit up as soon as he laid eyes on me. We met each other in the middle of the floor and he lifted me up into a hug. “I’m so glad that you could make it.” He put me down and stood back, taking a good look at me. “You look great.”
“So do you.” I reached out and ruffled his hair. “I like your hair longer like this, but what the hell is that greasy stuff you’ve got in it?”
He laughed and ducked his head out of my reach. “Speaking of hair, I can see that you’re doing something different with yours.”
I had just gotten my hair cut. It was that little short flip hairstyle that everyone was wearing that summer. I self consciously raised my hand to rub the back of my neck. That was the shortest that I had ever worn my hair and I was still getting used to it. “Well, I thought it was time for something different.”
“It looks good.” He hugged me again. “I know I already said it, but I’m really glad that you came.”
Someone came up to us and cleared their throat. I looked over JC’s shoulder and there was Justin.
It is an unexplained, but well known phenomenon that somehow guys always get better looking after you’ve broken up with them. Don’t ask me how or why, but we all know that it’s true. It had only been six months since I’d last seen Justin in person, but he had gone through a lot of changes. Some were easy to see, others would reveal themselves over time.
First of all he’d cut off all his damn hair. I didn’t think much of his shaved head based on the pictures I’d seen, but seeing him in person made a world of difference. The haircut gave him a more mature, polished look. This was also right around the period of time when Justin seemed to be having a love affair with sleeveless t shirts. He’d just gotten the cross tattoo on his left shoulder and he meant to show it off as much as possible. All traces of baby fat had dropped off his face, putting his sculpted cheekbones on full display. He had left cute behind and glided seamlessly into sexy.
Justin approached me shyly. “Hey.”
I was nervous as hell, but tried to pretend like I wasn’t. “What’s up baldy?”
Justin rubbed his hand over his stubbly head and grinned at me. “How did I just know that you were going to say that?” We stood there staring at each other for a minute and then he reached for me. He put his arms around me and I tensed up immediately.
“I missed you, Kay.” He rubbed his hands up and down my back and I could feel my body relaxing under his touch.
JC gently pulled us apart. “That’s enough of that.” He said it like it was supposed to be a joke, but I’m pretty sure that it wasn’t.
I stepped back from Justin and noticed the tall, spiky haired guy standing by his side. The guy nudged Justin in the ribs and he got the hint to make introductions. “Kayla, this is Wade. I told you about him, didn’t I?”
“Yeah. Nice to meet you.” Instead of shaking the hand that I extended towards him, Wade lifted it to his face and kissed my knuckles.
“Nice to meet you too.” Wade held my eyes just a little bit longer than necessary. Justin looked back and forth between me and Wade. Then he looked at JC. JC and Justin shared a look that pretty much said, ‘Oh hell no’. I was starting to feel like one lonely bone in a circle of dogs. I excused myself to get a drink and to give the boys a chance to argue amongst themselves.
Even then I was smart enough to know that none of their alpha dog behavior had anything to do with me. Wade had just added another layer of jealousy and competitiveness to the already complicated relationship that existed between JC and Justin.
The DJ was on it that night and I swear every song she played was one of my favorites. Peaches and Cream by 112. All for You by Ms. Janet. And you just know that I showed out when Get Ur Freak On started playing. That was the song that summer. I took turns dancing with JC and Justin. And Wade threw himself into the mix a little bit too.
I’ll admit it, I got a kick out of the way that Justin’s jaw clenched up when he saw me dancing with JC. And I really thought he was going to have a heart attack when I danced with Wade. The DJ put on I’m a Slave 4 You and Wade and I were all over each other. What can I say? I was half drunk at the time and that song can bring out the freak in anybody. I don’t know if Justin was more offended by who I was dancing with or the song that we were dancing to, but after the display that we put on, he made it his business to make sure that Wade and I didn’t dance together again for the rest of the night. He was obvious in his jealousy and I thought it was hilarious. Of course Justin’s issues with Wade went way further than a few dances with me.
I split the rest of my time between JC and Justin. I also met Trace for the first time that night. I don’t know about love at first sight. But there is such a thing as hate at first sight and I experienced it the second that I laid eyes on Trace. I didn’t like him and the feeling was obviously mutual. But I could not have cared less about that. The music was bumping, the champagne was flowing and I was having the best time that I’d had in quite a while.
I was sitting down, giving my feet a rest when Justin made his move. He sat down beside me and bumped his shoulder against mine. “You having a good time, Kay?”
“Yeah. Thanks for inviting me down here.”
“Thanks for coming.”
“What?” The music was pretty loud and we were yelling just so that we could hear each other.
“I said, thanks for coming.”
I nodded my head in acknowledgment of what he’d said. We sat there for a few minutes, just listening to the song that was playing. Then Justin spoke again.
“Do you want to get out of here?”
“What?”
Justin put his mouth right against my ear so that I could hear what he was saying. “Do you want to go back to the hotel? I want to talk to you and I don’t feel like yelling.”
“Okay. I’m starting to get a headache anyway.”
Justin gave me an ear to ear grin. “Alright, let me round up some transportation and I’ll be right back.” I grabbed my purse and went to look for JC so that I could say goodbye. The look on his face when I told him that I was going back to the hotel with Justin was indescribable.
JC looked both ways and then pulled me off into a semi secluded corner. “I really don’t think that you should go back to your room with Justin.”
“Why not?”
“You’re drunk Kay. And Justin- Justin isn’t as drunk as he seems to be.”
I let out a derisive laugh. “Do you think he’s going to attack me or something?”
JC looked horrified. “God no. I don’t mean anything like that. It’s just that your judgement isn’t the best right now. I would hate for you to do something that you’re going to regret in the morning.”
“I appreciate your concern, but I’m not really that drunk. Justin said that he just wants to talk.”
“And you believe that?” JC was looking at me like a was a child. A really slow, incredibly naive child.
“Yes.”
“Okay. If all he wants to do is talk, then it shouldn’t be a problem if I come with you. Just to make sure that things don’t get out of hand.”
“What things?”
Before JC could answer me, Justin popped up out of nowhere and hugged me from behind. “What are y’all talking about?”
JC shook his head a little bit. He was subtly trying to tell me not to let Justin know what we’d been talking about. Of course I missed his cue.
“JC was just offering to be a chaperone for us. To make sure that we don’t get into any trouble back at the hotel.”
Justin tightened his grip on me. “We don’t need anyone to watch over us. You should stay here and enjoy yourself.”
“I wasn’t trying to say that you two needed supervision or anything. It’s just that I wanted to spend some more time with Kay.”
“I think you’ve spent enough time with her already.”
JC ignored the obvious edge to Justin’s voice. “I was thinking about leaving anyway. Give me a few minutes to find Bobbie and then we can all ride back to the hotel together.”
Justin let out a loud sigh. His irritation was apparent. “Kay and I are ready to leave right now. We don’t have time to wait for you to track down that cow you call a girlfriend.” He grabbed my hand and started pulling me toward the door, but he turned back to JC. “When you do find Bobbie, shake your checkbook in front of her face and maybe she’ll give you some tonight.”
I’m ashamed to say that I did laugh at that. Bobbie was such an obvious gold digger that the statement didn’t seem that far from the truth. Justin and I were both laughing and it was almost like we couldn’t stop.
JC shook his head at both of us. “You can kiss my ass.” I’m not sure if he was talking to me or Justin. Or maybe he was talking to both of us. But we thought that was funny too. We had the drunk folk giggles. Anyway, JC walked away without another word.
Justin and I stumbled outside and fell into the car that was waiting for us at the curb. We were falling all over each other in the back of the limo like two drunken fools. Or to be more precise, one drunken fool (me) and one semi buzzed, manipulative asshole (Justin). We were giggling and singing at the top of our lungs.
Our two person party continued through the lobby of the hotel and during the elevator ride up to our floor. When we got off the elevator, Justin gave me a piggy back ride to my room. Once we got inside he dumped me on my bed and then he laid down beside me. We were both flat on our backs, staring at the ceiling.
“What have you been up to Kay?”
“Not a whole lot actually.”
“Are you still dating Gary?” No matter how many times that I had told Justin that his name was Garrett, he still insisted on calling the man I was dating, Gary.
“Dr. Stephens and I are no longer seeing each other. We were just too different. He was too old for me and we didn’t have anything in common.”
“I told you that wasn’t going to work out. Doctors dating nurses is just too big of a cliche for it to actually turn into anything serious.”
“Nurses dating pop stars doesn’t exactly work out either.”
“Ouch. If you want I could hook you up with somebody. What did you think of my boy Trace? He’s not seeing anybody.”
I rolled my eyes. “I can see why.”
“Don’t be mean.”
“He and I didn’t exactly hit it off. But if you want to do me a solid you can give Wade my phone number.” I didn’t want Wade to have my number. I was just enjoying the look on Justin’s face when I said it.
All the laughter went out of Justin’s voice. “You don’t want that.”
“Why not? Does he have a girlfriend?”
“Let’s just say that he’s got his hands full.”
“Care to elaborate on that?”
“Not really.” Justin sat up and rubbed his hands across his face.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah.” Then he licked his lips and shook his head. “No, I don’t think I am okay.”
“What’s wrong?”
“Was there ever anything that you really wanted? I mean it could have been a toy that you wanted when you were a kid or some expensive item of clothing that you just thought you would die if your parents didn’t get it for you. Or maybe it was some guy that you thought was the love of your life. And then you got that thing that you just couldn’t live without and it just turned out to be one huge disappointment.”
“I think everyone experiences that kind of thing. Anything that you spend too much time building up in your mind is bound to be a letdown when you get it. Nine times out of ten, reality is never going to compare to the fantasy that you’ve created. That’s just the way the world works.”
“Yeah. I guess so.”
“What’s going on with you, Justin?”
“I’ve just come to the realization that some of the things I thought I wanted aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.”
“Is this about Britney? Are you two having problems?”
“Kind of. Things with her just aren’t working out the way that I want them to. It’s not the way I thought it would be.”
“Well, you can’t expect a real relationship to live up to the expectations of a childhood crush. I think you need to let go of how you thought things were going to be and start trying to embrace the way that things are.”
Was that some good advice or what? I was taking the whole ‘friends’ thing seriously. I was sincere in wanting to help him.
“I guess you’re right. I’m sorry for bringing the mood down. I’m sure that my relationship with Britney is probably the last thing that you want to talk about.”
“Don’t worry about it.” We sat there staring straight ahead until the silence in the room started getting to me. I got up and walked over to the stereo. “Do you want to listen to some music?”
“Sure.”
“What’s a good radio station?”
“Put on 95.7.” Justin stretched out on the bed with his arms under his head while I tuned in the radio station. Now see, I should have known what the deal was right then and there. Late nights on 95.7 they have a program called The Quiet Storm. We have the same thing in Atlanta on V-103. They choose this particular time of night to play the old school slow jams. What my daddy used to call baby making music. Yeah, think on that one for a second. The trap had been laid and I was getting ready to step my dumb behind right into it.
I went back over to the bed and laid down beside Justin. He was quiet for a minute and then he rolled over to face me. “Whatever happened to Teddy Timberbear?”
“Rachel and I cut off his arms and legs and then we pinned his torso to the wall and threw darts at this head.”
“Damn. Don’t you think that was kind of harsh?”
“It was either him or you and you have a lot more removable parts.”
“Well in that case that damned bear got what he deserved.”
“I thought you’d see it that way.” We both cracked up at that.
“I’m glad you came, Kay. I’ve got to tell you, I was worried about you not showing up. I kept thinking that you were going to call and say you’d changed your mind.”
“I wanted to see you.” I thought about how that sounded. “And JC. I was glad to see him again.”
“He was happy to see you too. A little too happy in my opinion. I think he’s got a crush on you.”
“Don’t be ridiculous.”
“I’m serious. Not that anybody could blame him for wanting to get with you. Half the guys in that club were checking you out.”
“That’s not true.”
“Yes it is. You’re a beautiful woman, Kay. And the fact that you don’t seem to realize it, just makes you more beautiful.” If my skin was any lighter, I’m sure I would have been blazing red.
I had only been half listening to what was on the radio, but the next song that came on caught my attention. Weak by SWV. That right there is my jam. Or it used to be. That damned song just had to come on. If you’ve ever heard the song before, I’m pretty sure that you can probably tell where this story is going.
Justin stood up from the bed and reached out for me. “Dance with me.”
“I’ve done enough dancing tonight to last me a lifetime.”
“You hardly danced with me at all. Besides, didn’t you tell me that this was one of your favorite songs?”
I let Justin pull me up from the bed. “I’ll dance with you, but don’t be trying to grind on me.”
Justin just laughed at me and wrapped his arms around me. I clasped my hands together behind his back and rested my head against his shoulder. We were barely even moving. It was more like a full body hug than dancing.
“I can’t believe that you remembered me telling you about this song.”
“I remember everything that you ever said to me.”
“Is that a fact?”
“Absolutely.”
“Then what did I tell you about this song?”
“When you were in the tenth grade at South Side High School, they would always play this song at the end of every Friday night dance.”
“You actually remembered that.”
“It’s not like it’s been that long since we were together.”
“I know that. I just didn’t think that anything about me was all that memorable.”
“I remember everything about you.” His voice dropped to a whisper. “The way you smell, the way you feel, the way you taste.”
I pushed away from Justin and took a few steps backwards. “Whoa. I think we are coming dangerously close to having a conversation that we shouldn’t be having.”
“I know that. But sometimes I can’t stop myself from thinking about you. I know it’s wrong, but I just can’t stop.” Justin looked down, almost like he was ashamed of what he was about to say. “Sometimes I think that I made the wrong choice.”
“What do you mean?”
“Maybe I should have chosen you instead of Britney. Maybe I made a mistake.”
“Don’t do this to me Justin.”
“I’m not trying to do anything to you. I’m just telling you how I really feel. Sometimes I miss you so much that it hurts. Maybe things don’t feel right with Britney because you’re the person that I should be with.”
“I think you’re drunk and things with Britney aren’t going well and you’re just confused. What you need to do is go to your own room and sleep it off.”
“That’s probably what I should do. But it’s not what I want to do.” He started walking toward me and I kept going backwards until the back of my legs bumped against the foot of the bed. He put his hand to my face and stroked his thumb across my bottom lip. Believe me when I tell you that one little touch spiraled through my entire body.
“Don’t you ever miss me? Just a little bit.”
“It’s kind of hard to miss you when we’re on the phone together practically 24/7.”
“That’s not the same. Don’t you miss touching me? And kissing me? Don’t you miss the way that I made you feel?”
I’d been lying to myself for months. Pretending that I was over Justin. Pretending that I could be friends with him. Pretending that I could be alone with him and that nothing would happen. But I still tried to put up a fight. It wasn’t much of a fight. But I tried.
“I’m not going to do this with you. I think that we should probably say goodnight now.”
“Probably.” Let me just say one thing in case you haven’t figured it out already. Justin is one bold motherfucker. Always has been, always will be.
He did not say goodnight and he didn’t make a move toward the door. What he did do was reach his hands behind my back to untie my halter top. The thing was only held together by a couple of strings and it fluttered to the floor like a piece of tissue paper. I instinctively raised my hands to cover my exposed chest, but Justin loosely grabbed my wrists and pulled my arms away. He stared me up and down for a second and then he licked his lips.
“If you don’t want me, stop me.” To be fair, he did give me a few seconds to stage another half hearted protest. But when I didn’t say anything, he took another step forward. I fell backwards onto the bed and Justin fell right on top of me.
The sex we had that night wasn’t like any other time that we’d been together. Justin had gotten a lot more aggressive in the short time that we’d been apart and he tossed me around that bed like a ragdoll. Don’t get me wrong, he didn’t hurt me or anything, but he wasn’t especially gentle either. He bent me into positions that I didn’t know my body was capable of making. At one point, my knees were touching my shoulders. Don’t ask.
He had also picked up the unfortunate habit of talking during sex. He tossed off all the usual lines. Stupid stuff like, ‘say my name’, ‘is it good baby?’ and the all time guy favorite, ‘whose is it?’ He used them all and I was dumb enough to actually give him the responses that he was looking for.
What I didn’t know was that Justin’s smiling face was hiding a crying heart. His relationship with Britney had seriously hit the skids. She was cheating on him and wasn’t even bothering to be particularly discrete about it. The public didn’t know anything about what was going on, but everybody in their circle of friends was well aware. The ironic part is that Justin had stopped cheating on her. After his fling with me, Justin was completely faithful to Britney. He really did love her and he was trying to straighten up and be a good boyfriend. But what comes around, goes around and it was Justin’s turn to play the fool.
Anyway, the point is that Justin had a lot of pent up aggression and he needed some way to release it. He needed an ego stroke. He needed to be with a woman that he knew was in love with him. Someone that only wanted him. Someone that loved him more than he loved her. Apparently I was just what he needed. But again, I’m getting ahead of myself. I wouldn’t find any of that out until later, when I got JC to spill his guts again.
******************************************************************************
As soon as he was done with me, Justin jumped up and practically ran into the bathroom. I could hear the water running and I knew that he was taking a shower. It was almost like he couldn’t wait to wash me off of his body. When he came out, I sat up in bed watching him while he got dressed. He made his way around the room, somehow managing to keep his back turned to me the entire time.
“Where are you going?”
“I’m going back to the club.”
I glanced at the clock on the night stand. “It’s almost three o’clock in the morning.”
He just shrugged his shoulders. “It’s still open. I just called Joey, he and Chris are still over there.”
“Well, give me a few minutes to get dressed and I can go with you.”
“No. Don’t do that. I just want to go back over there for an hour or so. I’ll come back.” He came towards the bed and kissed my forehead. “I promise.” But he wouldn’t look me in the eyes. I suppose he felt guilty and ashamed of what he had done. Too bad he couldn’t have had those feelings before he worked me over like I was a five dollar hooker.
I tried to tell myself that he wasn’t abandoning me. That he hadn’t just slept with me and now he was making his get away like a thief fleeing the scene of a crime. I tried to deny it all, but I couldn’t. I knew exactly what was going on. A two year old would have known what was going on. Justin had gotten what he wanted out of me and he was preparing to dip. The only way I could have felt like more of a whore, would have been if he’d left some money on the dresser.
As soon as the door closed behind him, the first of many tears I would cry that night had already started slipping down my cheeks. For the first time in my life, I literally cried myself to sleep.
******************************************************************************
I was awoken by the sound of someone knocking on the door. I didn’t even stop to pick up my clothes. I just gathered the sheet around my body and went to see who it was. I looked through the peephole and I could see JC standing in the hallway. I opened the door and stood back, giving him room to enter.
“Hey, Kayla. Sorry for waking you up. I came to see if you wanted to have breakfast with me before you left.”
I wasn’t in the mood for any small talk or bullshit. “Where’s Justin?”
JC looked at me like I should have known the answer to that question already. “He’s gone.”
“What?”
“He’s gone. Everybody’s gone except for me. I’m gonna fly to the next city on my own. I just wanted to see you again before I left.”
I was still trying to process what I was hearing. “He’s gone?”
“Yeah. He left at about six a.m. He didn’t say goodbye?” I made my way back over to the bed and collapsed onto it. JC sat beside me and when he saw that I was crying, he put his arm around my shoulders.
“Kay, what’s wrong?”
I was crying too hard to answer him, but it didn’t take long before he drew his own conclusions about what had happened. I guess the clothes strewn about the room, the stubble burn on my cheeks and the torn up bed that we were sitting on, told the story. He pulled my head against his chest and held me tightly.
“I’m sorry, Kayla.”
“He said that he’d made a mistake. He said that I was the one that he really wanted to be with and I was dumb enough to believe it.”
“I should have done something. I knew it was a bad idea for the two of you to come here alone.”
“You warned me, what else were you supposed to do? You told me not to do it and I did it anyway. I thought I was in control of the situation and I wasn’t. There’s nobody to blame for that except for me. I never should have come here at all.”
I cried so long and so hard that my head started to hurt and I felt nauseous. JC sat there with his arm around me the entire time. When my sobs quieted down some, I got up to take a shower. I stood in that bathroom staring at my reflection for the longest time. I lost a part of myself that day and I don’t think I ever got it back.
After I got through in the bathroom I went back out to JC. We spent a little more time together and then he rode to the airport with me.
I didn’t tell Rachel about what happened with Justin. I didn’t want to hear the well deserved ‘I told you so’ speech that I knew she was going to give me. As it would turn out, I wouldn’t have to tell her what happened. It became very obvious, very soon.
I made a promise to myself that no matter what he said or did, I wouldn’t ever have anything to do with Justin again. Regretfully that was a promise that I would have to break. I put it off for as long as I could, but I would be seeing Justin again about three months later. I had a little news for him.
I still have mixed feelings about what happened that night. It was a horrible, hurtful experience, but still I can’t bring myself to wish it had never happened.
My greatest joy was about to come to me. But it was wrapped up in my biggest mistake.
Same Old Sh*t by deebee73
June 2006
The past couple of weeks have been pretty much drama free. Justin and I haven’t exactly been ignoring each other, but we’ve been keeping our contact to a minimum. Rachel still thinks I’m crazy to have Justin staying here and I’ve been dodging JC’s phone calls. I hate to ignore JC, but I know what he wants to talk about and I’ve already got too much on my mind.
I’m standing at the stove, trying to cook dinner when Justin comes in and looks over my shoulder.
“What’s that?”
I don’t have to be looking at him to know that he’s probably got a disgusted look on his face. “What does it look like?”
“Do you really want me to answer that?”
“Jonah doesn’t complain about my cooking.” I pause for emphasis. “JC doesn’t complain about my cooking.”
“I once saw Jonah take a bite out of a crayon. And JC would eat broken glass if he thought it would get him one step closer to your bed.”
“Unless you would like for me to wrap this skillet around your big head, you’d better get away from me.”
“Here you are talking all mean to me and I only came in here to give you a present.”
“I don’t want any more presents. I don’t know how many times I’ve told you to stop trying to buy me.”
“That’s not what I’m doing. I thought about what happened with your date and I really started to feel bad about it. I know that you don’t get out much. The last show you went to see was probably Barney on Ice or something like that.”
“That shows how much you don’t know about your son. He doesn’t even like Barney. We went to see Sesame Street on Ice.”
“Like that’s any better. What I’m trying to say is that you deserve a night out among adults, doing something that’s fun for you. So I thought to myself, what better way to make up for ruining your date with a wack ass Maxwell wannabe, than to get you tickets to see the real thing.”
“You didn’t?” I drop the spatula I’m holding and turn around to face him.
“I did.” Justin steps closer to me and waves a couple concert tickets in front of my nose.
“You got me tickets to see Maxwell and Heather Headley at the Tabernacle?”
“Yes. You’re gonna be so close, it’ll be like you’re on the stage.”
“How did you get these? That show has been sold out for months.”
“You forget who you’re rolling with, don’t you? When are you gonna get it through your head that your man knows people?”
“You are not my man.”
“You’re missing the point, Kay.”
“Whatever. Just hand them over.” I reach for the tickets, but Justin draws them back. “What?”
“There is one condition.”
“You can’t give conditions on an apology.”
“It’s a small thing. You have to go to the concert with me.”
My excitement fades away completely. “Keep the tickets.”
“Come on, Kay. You mean to tell me that you would pass up an opportunity to see two people that you love and that you’ve never seen live before, just because you don’t want to spend a few hours with me?”
“That’s exactly what I’m telling you. I’m not going on a date with you.”
“It’s not a date. It’s an opportunity for us to go out and have a good time together as friends. I figured that after the show we could go to the Cotton Club and have a few drinks. Just hang out and talk for a little while.”
“That sounds like a date to me.”
“It won’t be anything like a date. I won’t hold your hand or open any doors. I promise not to pay for your drinks. And if some guy tries to mack on you, I’ll look the other way.”
“And I should believe you because. . .?”
“Because for once, I’m actually telling the truth.”
“I don’t think so.”
“How about I sweeten the pot? If you go with me I can get you backstage, up close and personal with your precious Maxwell.”
“Are trying to bribe me?”
A sly grin spreads across his face. “Is it working?”
“Hell yeah.” I snatch the tickets from Justin’s hand. “I’d go out with Trace if he could get me a few minutes alone with Maxwell.”
“Hey now. I never said you could be alone with him. And for god’s sake, do not embarrass me by drooling on the man.”
“I make no promises.” I let out a little squeal of delight. “I’d better call Rachel and make sure that her and Brian can keep Jonah.”
“Already taken care of.”
“You called Rachel? And she actually talked to you?”
“She hung up the first couple of times. But Brian answered the third time I called, so I talked to him. After he made it quite clear that he’d do me serious bodily harm if I tried anything funny with you, he and Rachel agreed to keep Jonah for the night. Aside from the threats, Brian seems like a good guy. I don’t know what he sees in Rachel.”
Rachel started dating Brian shortly after I got pregnant. They got married a couple of years ago. Not only does he worship Rachel, he’s always been really good to me and Jonah. He’s built like a linebacker and he can be physically intimidating, but he’s a total pushover. I always knew that it would take a very special guy to make Rachel settle down and she couldn’t have found any one better than Brian.
I know it probably sounds petty, but I’m actually kind of jealous. Rachel found her prince charming and I’ve spent the last six years kissing the same old frog.
“So you made babysitting arrangements based on the assumption that we’d be going to the concert together?”
“You say that like it’s a bad thing. I was just thinking ahead.”
I’m too excited about the concert to waste any energy being mad at Justin. I turn back to the stove to finish cooking. I can still feel Justin standing behind me. “What do you want?”
“I wanted to know if you’d wear your hair up. I always loved it like that and it would really mean a lot to me.”
I give him a noncommittal grunt as a reply. If it means a lot to him for me to wear my hair up, that pretty much guarantees that I’ll wear it down.
******************************************************************************
The concert was amazing. Heather Headley came on first and the woman did her thing. Then Maxwell came out and I screamed like a twelve year old at a Nsync concert. He did all of my old favorites and some new stuff. The place was packed and everyone was out of their seats even during the slow songs. I really had forgotten what it was like to go out and be with other grown folks.
The best part of the night was that Justin actually kept all of the promises he made. A couple of times during the show he did put his hands on my hips, but he would catch himself and remove them before I could say anything. He did indeed take me backstage to meet Maxwell, who is even more beautiful in person.
After the show we went to the Cotton Club. Not only did he refuse to pay for my drink, he tried to get me to pay for his drink. And he made good on his promise to look the other way if some other guy tried to talk to me. Of course I was being hit on by someone I really didn’t want to be bothered with, but Justin wouldn’t interfere. Not even when I begged him to. He pretended like he didn’t know me at all. I’ll have to remember to thank him for that.
All in all it’s been a perfect evening until we step out of the club and get bombarded by photographers. I can’t even say for sure how many there are. It’s probably only a handful, but there’s so many flashbulbs going off that I feel like we’re surrounded. Instead of giving them the finger like he usually does, Justin grabs my hand and smiles for their cameras. I guess it was only a matter of time before the press figured out he was here, but I didn’t expect for him to take it so well.
Justin’s quiet during the ride home and when we get to the house, he still isn’t saying anything. I can’t stop myself from asking him what’s going on. He had a full tilt hissy fit the last time someone got a picture of us together. It was a couple of years ago, but still I don’t understand why he’s being so calm about it now.
“Shouldn’t you be freaking out right about now?”
“Freaking out about what?” He’s looking at me like he doesn’t have any idea what I’m talking about.
“Those photographers. They took pictures of us together.”
“I know.”
“And?”
“And what? It’s just a picture. Are you ashamed to be seen with me or something?”
“I think you’ve got that backwards.”
“I don’t care if people see us together. What can they say? That I was seen standing close to some woman? What a scandal.”
“We weren’t just standing together, we were holding hands. Cameron will pitch a fit if she thinks that we went out on a date.”
“I’m not concerned with her reaction and you shouldn’t be either.”
“Don’t you think you should be concerned? I don’t want her coming here getting up in my face about you.”
“You don’t have to worry about that happening. Besides it would have to be a really slow celebrity news week for someone to care enough to publish a couple of blurry pictures of you and me holding hands.”
“If you say so.”
“Trust me.” I turn to head into my bedroom, but Justin calls out to me.
“Thanks for wearing your hair the way I like it.”
“You asked me to wear my hair up.”
“Only because I knew if I asked for it up, you’d actually wear it down.”
I go into my room and slam the door in his face.
******************************************************************************
I’ve been laying in my bed staring at the ceiling for hours. I’m way too restless to sleep. I get up and shuffle my way to the kitchen, only to find Justin in there rummaging through the refrigerator.
“Hey. Guess you couldn’t sleep either.”
“Nope. I was trying to find something to eat. Do you ever go to the grocery store?”
“Groceries used to go a lot further before someone that eats like a horse took it upon himself to move in.”
Justin closes the fridge and grabs a box of Lucky Charms from the cabinet. He doesn’t even bother with a bowl or any milk, he just sits down and starts eating the cereal dry.
“Want some?” He shakes the box in front of my face. I shrug my shoulders and stick my hands out.
“How much longer do you think you’ll be here?”
“Tired of me already?”
“I was tired of you a long time ago.”
“Ha, ha. I’m pretty much done with the recording that I needed to do here. I still have a few things I need to go over with Rick and Tim, then I have to go to New York to do some more mixing and put on the final touches. But I won’t be doing that for awhile. What I’d like to do is spend the rest of the summer here with you and Jonah.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Once I start doing the promotional stuff, my schedule is going to be really tight. I don’t know when I’ll get to come back this way. So I want to make the most of the time that I have. Also I was thinking that we could go to Tennessee sometime in July or the beginning of August. If that’s okay with you.”
“That sounds good. Jonah is dying to see his grandmother.”
“Jonathan and Steven are very excited about the idea of being uncles. My grandfather really wants to meet you and maybe you could spend a little time in the kitchen with my grandmother. Something might rub off on you.”
I throw a handful of cereal at Justin. “That’s very mature.” He shakes his head to dislodge the marshmallows that are stuck in his hair, then he pops them into his mouth.
“Ugh. Justin that’s just nasty.”
“I just took a shower, my hair’s clean.” He puts the cereal box down and taps his fingers against the table. “You had a good time tonight, didn’t you?”
“Yes. I really did.”
“Does that mean that I’ve redeemed myself just a little, teeny bit?”
“Tonight was enough to make up for ruining my date. But that’s all.”
“That’s all I wanted to hear. Now that we’re past that, you can go ahead and laugh.”
“Laugh at what?”
“The look on homeboy’s face when I strolled into the room. You’ve got to admit that was kinda funny.”
“It was not funny. It was embarrassing.” Actually in hindsight it was kind of funny, but I will not give him the satisfaction of seeing me laugh.
“That’s what you say. But I think you did think it was funny. Right now you’re probably biting the inside of your jaw to keep yourself from laughing.”
I slowly release the flesh I’m holding between my teeth. I hate that he knows me so well. “I am not biting my jaw.”
“Okay. Would you mind if I ask you a question?”
“What?”
“How exactly did you stop yourself from slapping him when he asked for my autograph?”
“It was for his niece.”
“Yeah right. For his niece.” Justin actually had the nerve to put air quotes around the word ‘niece.’
“Don’t be naive.”
“What exactly are you trying to say?”
“I think I may have saved you from a brother on the down low. If you know what I mean.”
“That is so stupid.”
“Is it? I’m just saying there’s something wrong if a guy is on a date with a woman like you, but he’d rather spend the whole night talking about some other fella. Makes you wonder.”
“You are ridiculous.”
“Am I? You know I’ve got mass appeal.” Then he wiggles his eyebrows at me. That’s when I start laughing. I can’t help myself.
“You should really thank Rachel for that stellar hook up.”
“Oh shut up.”
“I knew you wanted to laugh.” Justin gets up and puts the cereal back in the cabinet. He stretches and yawns. “Well, I think I’ll go give sleep another try.”
“Me too.” We leave the kitchen and head towards our rooms.
“Goodnight Justin.”
He gives me a kiss on the forehead and goes across the hall to his bedroom. I don’t know how long I stand in the hallway, before sticking my head into the crack he’s left in the door.
“Justin?”
He rolls over toward the door so that he can look at me. “What are you doing in here Kay? Is something wrong?”
What am I doing in here? “Nothings wrong. Goodnight.”
Justin reaches over to the night stand and clicks on the lamp. He stares at me and I wonder what it is that he sees in my eyes. “Come here.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Kay, just come here.” His voice is so quiet and kind. I slowly make my way over towards the bed and he scoots over, making room for me. “It’s okay.”
I lay down beside him so that we’re face to face. I rub my hands up and down my own arms, hoping to get rid of some of the goose bumps that have risen to the surface of my skin.
Justin moves closer to me and wraps his arms around my back. “Is this better?”
“Yes.” I bury my nose against his shoulder and take in his scent. The soap, the shampoo and that smell that’s just him. I’m so warm and comfortable that I feel like I could lie here like this forever.
He reaches over me and turns out the light. “Do you think you’ll be able to sleep now?”
“I think so.”
Justin pulls me closer against his chest and whispers in my ear. “I love you. I don’t expect for you to believe it and I don’t expect for you to say it back. I just wanted you to know.” He kisses the spot right below my ear and then settles in to go to sleep.
His light snoring and the steady rise and fall of his chest beneath my cheek let me know when Justin has fallen asleep. Only then do I acknowledge what he said.
“I love you too.”
******************************************************************************
The past week has been pretty good. Justin did not take my late night visit as an invitation to anything else. As a matter of fact, he hasn’t mentioned it at all. We’ve been getting along better than ever, which should have been my first clue that things are about to go sour.
Jonah, Justin and I are out in the front yard together. I’m doing a little gardening and they’re trying to put together a birdfeeder. The operative word is trying. Justin may be able to do a lot of things with his hands, but wielding a hammer is not one of them. He keeps hitting his thumb and swearing under his breath, which just makes Jonah laugh. Justin has absolutely no idea what he’s doing, but Jonah loves birds and he’s been begging to have a feeder in the yard, so Justin’s trying to give him what he wants.
All is well until a car screeches to a halt in front of the house. The driver gets out and slams the door shut behind her. She props her shades up in her short blonde hair and squints her eyes against the sun. I figured it was only a matter of time before she showed her face.
I go over to Jonah and put my hand on his shoulder. “Honey, why don’t you go inside?”
“Why?”
“Isn’t it almost time for Scooby Doo?”
“No.”
“Just go, Jonah.” Jonah turns and goes in through the open patio door.
Justin approaches Cameron. “What are you doing here?”
“What do you think I’m doing here?” Cameron pulls a magazine out of her purse and shoves it in Justin’s hands. It’s opened up to a photo of Justin and me. “What the hell is this?”
Justin looks at the picture then hands the magazine back to Cameron. “It’s a picture of me and Kay. Now that we’ve cleared that up, why don’t you try to calm down.”
“Do you know what people are saying? There’s all this speculation that you’re dumping me for her. What are you going to do about that, Justin?”
“I can’t stop people from talking. I can’t believe that you flew all the way here just to quiz me about a picture in some fucking magazine. I didn’t go all to pieces about those pictures of you holding hands with Jude Law.”
“That was for a movie. You know damn well that I’m not sleeping with Jude Law.”
“I’m not sleeping with Kayla. I told you that I was spending time with my son. I expected you to respect that.”
“You want me to believe that you have been under the same roof with her for months and you haven’t had sex. How stupid do you think I am?”
“Can I answer that one?”
Cameron peeks around Justin’s shoulder to give me the evil eye. “No one’s talking to you.”
I just throw my hands in the air. If Cameron came here to curse Justin out, all I can do is stand back and laugh my ass off.
“I don’t know what kind of game you’re playing Justin, but I’m fucking sick of it. I want you to come home with me right now.”
Justin face tightens up. I could have told her that was the wrong way to go. He does not like to be told what to do.
“I’ll come home when I damn well feel like it.”
It seems to have dawned on Cameron that she’s pissing him off. And even she knows by now that a pissed off Justin is likely to do the exact opposite of what you ask him to do. Just for spite.
“Baby, I’m not trying to tell you what to do. I think it’s a good idea for you to spend time with Jonah. Maybe you could bring him back to Los Angeles and he could stay with us for a couple of weeks.”
This woman must be crazier than I thought. “Oh hell no. My child isn’t going anywhere with you.”
“I’ll tell you one more time to mind your business.”
“My son is my business. I wouldn’t let him go across the street with you, let alone across the country.”
“I am trying to talk to my fiancee.” She wiggles her engagement ring in my face. “Don’t make me tell you again to stay out of this.”
“This is my house. You can’t make me be quiet.”
“First of all this is not your house, this is Justin’s house and two, if you don’t shut up you’re going to be very sorry.”
I look at Justin. “You need to check your bitch.”
“Who are you calling a bitch? If you keep talking to me, I swear to god I will slap you silly.”
“I’m not scared of your old, dried up ass.”
“Who do you think you’re talking to?”
“I’m talking to you. Grandma.” I look at Cameron and shake my head. “What happened to you anyway? You used to be pretty. I guess trying to keep up with your boy toy is running you ragged.”
Cameron lunges towards me, but Justin steps between us. “Alright that’s enough.”
Cameron throws her head in the air. “I hope you know that Justin just saved you.”
“You don’t know Kay like I do. She is about two seconds away from busting your ass, so let’s just go before you get your nose broken again.” Justin jacks Cameron up by the arm and throws her into the passenger side of the car. He gets into the drivers seat and peels away from the curb.
About an hour later, they come back. I’m watching through the window as Justin gets out of the car. I expect for Cameron to pull off, but she just sits there with the motor running.
Jonah is sprawled out on the floor with his coloring books, but he looks up when he hears Justin coming in the front door. Justin walks by me and goes to sit on the floor with Jonah.
“Hey Daddy. Can we finish the birdhouse now?”
“No. We’re not gonna be able to do that right now.”
“But you promised.”
“I know, but Daddy’s got to go away for a little while.”
“Where are you going?”
“I’m going home for a little while.”
Jonah looks so confused. “This is home.”
“Yeah it is, but I need to go to my other home.”
“Why?”
“I’ve just got some stuff to take care of. But I’ll be back, okay.”
“Okay.” Jonah starts sniffling, trying so hard not to cry.
“Please don’t cry.” Justin pulls Jonah into his lap and holds him tightly against his chest. “I promise I’ll be back before you know it. Then we can finish the birdfeeder and go see Grandma, just like I said we would.” Justin puts Jonah down and then heads to the guestroom.
I follow him and stand in the doorway, watching while he packs a bag. “Well that didn’t take long. She shows up and you just can’t wait to leave. So fucking typical.”
Wasting my tine thinking about you
When you ain’t never gonna change
Justin doesn’t even turn around to face me. “This isn’t what you think.”
“The fuck if it isn’t. This is exactly what I said would happen. Do you even care that your child is out there crying?”
“Of course I care. But I have to do this. I’ll come back.”
“That lie may work on Jonah, but I’ve heard it before.”
Why you wanna hurt me so bad
I believed in you, that’s why I’m so mad
“It’s not a lie.”
“You don’t know how to do anything but lie. So if you’re going, stop talking about it and just get the hell on. I’m sick of looking at you.”
Now I’m drowning in disappointment
and it’s hard for me to even look at you
Justin slams his suitcase shut. “That’s it, Kay.”
“What?”
“I’m done apologizing to you. I can’t turn back time and undo the things I’ve done. I know that I fucked up your life in a lot of ways, but I won’t take responsibility for everything. There comes a time where we have to draw the line between what Justin did to Kay and what Kay did to Kay. You have to shoulder some of the blame.”
“So it’s my fault that you’re a lying jackass?”
“It’s your fault for believing the same lies over and over again. It’s your fault for sleeping with me whenever I show up here in the middle of the night. I didn’t tell you to sit around the house all day without a job. I didn’t hold you hostage and keep you from going on dates. If your life isn’t the way that you want it to be, you need to stop looking at me and take a look at yourself.”
I wish I could go back to the day before we met
And skip my regret
I open my mouth to reply, but I don’t really have anything to say. It’s not like anything he just said isn’t completely true.
“I could stand here and try to explain to you what I’m going to do, but you wouldn’t believe me anyway, so I won’t bother. I’ll be back as soon as I can, but I suppose you think that’s a lie too.”
“Why wouldn’t I?”
Said you care about me, but from what I can see
I ain’t feeling that so I disagree
Justin picks up his bag and walks toward me. He gently caresses the side of my face. “I can do better from this point on, but you’re gonna have to do better too. I’ll be back. If you don’t want me here, for once in your life just slam the damn door in my face.”
Gave you all my love and understanding
And you’re treating me like your enemy
Justin goes out to living room and puts his suitcase down by the front door. Then he picks Jonah up. “I’m counting on you to take care of your mama while I’m gone. You can do that for me, can’t you?”
“I will.”
“Love you.” Justin kisses Jonah’s cheek and squeezes him one more time before handing him to me. Jonah’s eyes are already red and swollen. It’s not like he isn’t used to Justin leaving, but it hurts more because he was here for so long this time. I guess he thought he’d stay forever.
So leave me alone, don’t want nothing from you
just go back where you came from
Justin picks up his bag and goes out the door without looking back. I don’t know why I feel so surprised. Justin has always been able to do that. He’s never had a problem leaving Jonah and me without a second of hesitation.
Jonah starts to wiggle in my arms, so I put him down. As soon as his feet touch the floor he grabs my hand and pulls me toward the sofa.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m taking care of you, like daddy said I should.” I sit down and let Jonah pull the afghan from the back of the sofa and pull it over my legs. It’s ninety-four degrees outside, but I don’t have the heart to tell him that I’m not cold.
Jonah climbs up beside me and uses his tiny hands to wipe the wetness from my face.
“Don’t cry mommy. Daddy will be back.” Jonah’s telling me not to cry while tears stream down his own face. “He promised, so that means he has to. Doesn’t it?”
I don’t know how to answer that. I just hold Jonah tightly against my side and pull the blanket around both of us. I try to still the shivers that I feel passing through my body.
I guess I was cold after all.
I wish I wasn’t in love with you
So you couldn’t hurt me
Song lyrics- Wish I Wasn’t by Heather Headley
Chapter Ten: Expecting
October 2001
I guess it goes without saying that I didn’t hear a word from Justin after our little escapade in July. All the talk he’d done about wanting to be my friend was just that, talk. In the end all he’d wanted was to have a spare tire. Someone that he knew wouldn’t cause a scene or dime him out to Britney or the media.
During the late summer and early fall of 2001 it seemed like I couldn’t turn on the tv or pick up a magazine without seeing Britney and Justin holding hands and smiling. Perpetrating the image of the perfect couple. Young, talented, famous and in love. It was all just so perfect. Being bombarded by all of this would have been hard enough to take on its own, but then the consequence of my night with Justin started to make itself known.
I was twenty three years old at the time and I was a nurse, so I don’t know why I even tried to fool myself into believing that I wasn’t pregnant. All the signs were there. I started feeling tired all the time. I was always running off to the bathroom to pee and suddenly the smell of some of my favorite foods started to make me nauseous. Then the morning sickness started. I had myself convinced that I was just stressed out. And when my period didn’t arrive when it was supposed to, I attributed that to stress as well.
I thought I was hiding my situation from Rachel, but she’s always been one step ahead of me. I got up one morning and found a home pregnancy test sitting on the bathroom counter. The note that was attached to it went into great detail about all the ways that she would beat my ass if I hadn’t taken the test by the time she got home. The plus sign that appeared on the testing strip didn’t come as much of a surprise to either of us.
If I had been on my own I probably would have fallen into some kind of stupor. But Rachel wasn’t having it. She said it was alright for me to screw up my own life, but now I had someone else to think about so I’d better get it together. That’s what I tried to do. I went to the doctor just to confirm what I already knew in my heart to be true. I started making plans for how I was going to care for my child. Not having the baby was a thought that never entered my mind. I had always wanted to be a mother. This wasn’t the fairytale circumstances that I dreamed of when I was a little girl, but the situation was what it was. I had to make the best of it.
The next few months were some of the toughest of my life. I really don’t know what I would have done without Rachel. She’s the only real family I have. I know she’s not related to me by blood, but sometimes the family that you make for yourself can provide more love and support than the one that you were born into.
My mother left my father when I was barely one year old. My dad tried to take care of me, but it was hard for him. I was just a constant reminder of the woman that had broken his heart and he had been hurt by her too much to get over it. It didn’t help matters that the older I got, the more I started to resemble my mother. Eventually my father gave up on trying to raise me and left me with his sister.
I can’t say that my aunt didn’t take care of me, because she did. But there wasn’t a lot of genuine affection there. She raised me out of a sense of obligation, but without any real warmth. My father came to visit me, but after he got remarried his visits tapered off to phone calls. Phone calls gave way to letters. Then the letters stopped coming and all I could count on was greeting cards twice a year. My birthday and Christmas. That’s pretty much where our relationship stands to this very day.
I met Rachel on the first day of kindergarten. I was a shy child and the other kids picked up on the fact that I was scared and quick to cry. They picked on me mercilessly until Rachel stepped in and threatened to beat down any and every body that bothered me. She was all mouth, but she put on a good game face. The other kids left me alone and from that day forward we were inseparable. I didn’t just have a friend, I had a sister.
Rachel forced me to get off my behind and start making some decisions about my life. I struggled for quite a while about whether or not to tell Justin about the baby. It would have been easier to not say anything, but that didn’t seem fair. Words can’t begin to express how much I really didn’t want to ever have to look at Justin again, but I didn’t have much of a choice. I had to think of the child that I was carrying. Justin had treated me like trash, but that didn’t change the fact that he had the right to know that he was about to be a father.
I put it off for as long as I could, but I couldn’t avoid the subject forever. So when Nsync came to Atlanta in late October to do a show at Phillips Arena, I decided that was as good a time as any to talk to him.
I knew that Justin wouldn’t accept a phone call from me, but luckily I had maintained my relationship with JC. He would call from time to time to see how I was doing. I hadn’t let him know that I was pregnant, so when I told him that I needed to see Justin, he was hesitant to help me. He didn’t want to set up a meeting that would just result in me getting hurt again. But I was persistent. I begged him to get me up to Justin’s hotel room and he did it for me.
Their concert was on a Saturday and they had decided to just stay in Atlanta until the following Monday. I met JC in the lobby of the Ritz on that Sunday afternoon. I took care to make sure that my coat was closed up. I didn’t want him to know that I was pregnant. He would have been overly concerned and asked me a thousand questions that I was in no frame of mind to answer.
JC had offered to come into Justin’s room with me, but I asked him to go back downstairs and wait for me there. This was something that I needed to do on my own. I knocked on the door and it was a little while before anyone answered. Finally the door opened up and I found myself face to face with Trace. He was the last person that I wanted to see. Well, second to last. Having him there was only bound to make an already awkward situation worse. He wasted no time in letting me know that my presence was unwanted.
Trace rolled his eyes at me. “What do you want?”
“I need to talk to Justin.”
“Whatever.” Trace stepped aside to give me room to come in.
As soon as I stepped into the room, my nostrils were assaulted by the smell of weed. Justin was kicked back on the sofa, taking a long drag off of a joint. Even under the best of circumstances that much smoke would have made me sick, but given the condition that I was in, it was unbearable.
I waved a cloud of smoke away from my face. “Can you please put that out?”
I was talking to Justin, but Trace was the one that answered me. “You can’t come up in here making demands. If you don’t like the atmosphere, feel free to leave.”
“Justin, please. Can you put that out for just a minute? I won’t be here for long.”
He finally saw fit to acknowledge me. He pinched out his joint and laid it in the ashtray. “Why are you here?”
“I need to talk to you.”
Justin and Trace looked at each other and started grinning. “Listen Kay, I’d love to throw you a bone, but I’m kind of tired right now. Give me an hour or two and maybe I can get with you then.”
Justin and Trace slapped hands and started laughing like that was the funniest thing that anyone had ever said. The combination of the blunt he’d just smoked and having an audience to play to, had obviously brought out the worst in Justin.
What I wanted to do was turn around and leave, but I had come this far and I just wanted to get it over with.
“I don’t know what you think I came here for, but I just want to talk to you.” I glanced at Trace from the corner of my eye. “Alone.”
Justin rolled his eyes at me and shook his head. “Whatever you need to say to me, you can say in front of Trace.”
“This is private.”
“You’re killing my high. If you came here because you finally gathered up the nerve to bitch at me about what happened in July, let me just remind you that you’re an adult and I didn’t put a gun to your head. Now, if you have something to tell me, just spit it out and stop wasting my fucking time.”
“If that’s the way you want it.” I took a deep breath and tried to shake off the embarrassment and rage that I was feeling. “Justin, I’m pregnant.”
“What?” Justin shook his head as though he had misheard what I’d said.
“I’m pregnant.”
The sleepy, high as a kite grin on Justin’s face slowly started to disappear. He was speechless, but Trace wasn’t. “You’re not actually buying this shit, are you man? This chick has been trying to lock you down since day one.”
Justin seemed to have gone into shock. “You can’t be pregnant.”
“I can and I am.” I opened my coat to reveal the bump that had started to show on me.
Justin looked at my face and looked at my stomach. “Shit.”
Trace stood up and started pacing around the room. “Don’t let her trap you with this. It’s the oldest trick in the book. So what if she is pregnant? You don’t have any proof that it’s yours.”
Justin was rubbing his hand across his face. “Shut up Trace.”
Trace ignored Justin and just kept right on talking. “You know I’m right.”
Justin spoke a bit louder. “Just shut up.”
“I don’t want anything from you Justin. I just thought that you would want to know.”
I was trying to ignore Trace, but he kept insisting on inserting himself into the conversation. “You’re just looking to get paid.”
I swear if I hadn’t been pregnant, I would have kicked Trace’s little midget ass. “I don’t see how this is any of your business.”
“Keeping trifling, money hungry skeezers like you away from Justin is my business.”
“You’re just scared that if he has a child to take care of maybe he won’t be able to support your sorry ass anymore.”
“You’ve probably been planning this all along. Justin, I told you not to keep fucking around with her. But you just had to go back for more. Like she had gold between her legs or something.”
“Get out.” For a second I thought Justin was talking to me.
“Dude, you can’t be this stupid. That could be anybody’s kid. You don’t know who all this bitch has been giving it up to. She spread for you easy enough. ”
Justin jumped up and pushed Trace into the wall. “Don’t you ever talk about her like that again. Do you hear me?”
“What the fuck is wrong with you? You said . . .”
“Never mind what the fuck I said. I want you to get out of here right now.”
Trace huffed and puffed a little bit, but he made like a good little flunky and left like Justin had told him to.
Justin walked back and forth muttering the word ‘fuck’ under his breath. He stopped pacing and looked at me. “Are you sure?”
“Am I sure that I’m pregnant or am I sure that it’s yours?”
“Both.”
“I’ve been to the doctor, so I’m sure that I’m pregnant. As far as the other question, I’m not going to dignify it with a response. I’m not the whore in this situation. That would be you.”
“How did this happen? I thought you were on the pill.”
“I was, but I had a sinus infection and the antibiotics I was on clashed with my birth control pills. I didn’t know until after the fact. Maybe if you had taken the time to put on a condom before you jumped me, we wouldn’t be in this mess.”
“Don’t try to act like this is all my fault.”
“I’m not trying to assign blame. The whole night was a huge mistake on both our parts, but that’s besides the point now.”
Justin gripped a handful of the hair that had just started growing back on his head. He wiped his hand over his face and eyed me nervously. “What are you gonna do?”
“What kind of question is that?”
“I just want to know how you plan to handle the situation.”
“I don’t have any intention of aborting my child. I know that would make you breathe a lot easier, but it’s not going to happen.”
“Don’t put words in my mouth. I never said anything about an abortion. I wouldn’t ever suggest that.”
“Then what are you trying to suggest?”
“I’m not trying to suggest anything. I’m still trying to wrap my mind around this. You’ve had a couple of months to get used to the idea. I just found out five minutes ago. I think I’m entitled to freak out a little bit.”
“I didn’t come here to freak you out. I just thought that you had a right to know.”
“Can I?” Justin pointed to my stomach. I nodded my head and he rubbed his hand across my belly. A slight smile rose to his face as he gently caressed me.
“Do you know if it’s a boy or a girl?”
“It was too soon to tell when I had my last ultrasound, but I’m having another one in a couple of weeks. They should be able to tell me then. But I’m not sure that I want to know. I kind of want to be surprised.”
“I always thought I’d like to have a boy first. That way the other kids would have somebody to look up to. Someone to watch out for them.” For a minute, he looked happy. The way that you would want the man that you love to look if you’d just told him that you were having his baby.
“That’s a sweet idea.”
Justin just nodded his head. He wasn’t even looking at me. His eyes were glued to my stomach. “Are you feeling okay?”
“There’s the morning sickness. Other than that, I’m fine.”
“And you’ve got a good doctor, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you need some help? Money or something.”
“Not really. I’ve been pretty good about saving. I’m okay for now.”
“I want to apologize for the way that Trace spoke to you. That wasn’t right.”
That would have been funny, if it weren’t so pathetic. He was apologizing for Trace, but didn’t say a word about his own behavior. I guess it was alright for him to treat me like shit, but he wouldn’t let anyone else do it.
“You don’t need to apologize for him. His opinion doesn’t mean anything to me.”
Justin absentmindedly nodded his head. I don’t think he had even really heard what I’d said. “When are you due?”
“Around the end of April.”
Justin closed his eyes tightly as he took a deep breath. He gave my stomach one more gentle touch, then he abruptly slid his hand away. “Well let me know when it’s born and I’ll send you something or come visit or whatever.”
The fact that he kept referring to our unborn child as ‘it’, pretty much clued me in to the way that things were going to go. Any moment of joy he might have gotten out of hearing that he was going to be a father had passed. Quickly.
His sudden shift in attitude had thrown me for a loop. “You’ll send me something when the baby is born. What does that even mean?”
“I don’t know what you thought was going to happen here. I can’t just drop everything and raise a baby with you.” Sensitive, half way concerned Justin had left the building and asshole Justin had taken his place. “And to be honest, I still don’t have any real proof that it’s mine.”
“You are unbelievable. The last thing in the world that I want is something that would link me to you for at least eighteen years. If there was any way in the world that someone else was the father of this child, I wouldn’t have dragged myself here to be humiliated like this. However if you would like to go to court and get a paternity test, just let me know where and when.”
He looked at me like I had lost my mind. “You know that I can’t do that.”
“Well maybe Johnny can book us a spot on Maury Povich. He loves to do DNA tests.”
“Now is not the time for jokes, Kay. I can help you with the baby financially. But that’s all I can offer you. I can’t publicly acknowledge a child born out of wedlock. It would kill my career.”
“I’m standing here telling you that I’m having your baby and all you can think about is your career. That is so fucked up. Besides, Joey has a baby and no one seems to care about that.”
“That’s different.”
“How is it different?”
“Joey had a child with his girlfriend. Everybody already knew about Kelly. I can’t just show up parading a baby around in front of the cameras. Especially not your baby.” As soon as he said the words he looked like he wanted to pull them right back into his mouth.
“Especially not my baby? Now we’re getting to the root of the problem.”
“That didn’t come out right.”
“Is that the real problem? Would your little mistake be easier for your fans to swallow if I was white?”
“Don’t try to turn this into a race thing. You know that’s not what this is about.”
“I’m not the one that brought up race. That was all you. I’m just trying to understand why you think it would be impossible to acknowledge this baby. Joey is in the exact same position that you’re in and he didn’t try to hide his child from the world.”
“Joey doesn’t have the same kind of image to maintain that I do. I’m supposed to be the one that you can take home to your mother. Every girl’s ideal boyfriend. I can’t admit to cheating on Britney. I just can’t do it. If you need anything, just let me know and I’ll make sure that you get it.”
“I don’t want money, Justin. I want my child to have two parents. I want my child to have stability.”
“You know that I can’t commit myself to being there all the time. I could come and visit sometimes, but I can’t promise you anything beyond that.”
“The last thing a child needs is someone jumping in and out of their life. If you are so selfish and immature that you can’t stop thinking of yourself and your career long enough to be a real parent, you might as well not come around at all.”
“Then I guess I won’t be coming around at all.” I could tell by the look on his face that it hurt him to say what he was saying, but at that moment his pain meant absolutely nothing to me. “I’m sorry, Kay. I’m sorry for everything. But I can’t do this.”
“I don’t know why I expected anything better. Why don’t we skip ahead to the part of the conversation where you ask me not to sell my story to People Magazine so I can get the hell out of here?”
“I know that you’re not going to do that. You’re better than that. And I know that you wouldn’t have come here if the baby wasn’t mine. That’s not the kind of woman that you are. I wish that things could be different. I wish that I could tell you all the things that you want to hear, but I would just be lying and you deserve more than that.”
I looked at Justin and it was like staring at a stranger. That was when it finally hit me. He was a stranger. I hadn’t given myself time to get to know him. I had let myself become mesmerized by glamorous surroundings and a pretty package. Now I’d finally gotten that package open only to find a steaming pile of shit inside.
“I don’t know how I could have ever let myself fall in love with someone like you.” I had held back my tears for as long as I could. I tried to turn around and get out of the door before Justin could see me crying, but I was too slow.
He pulled me back around to face him and I could see that he was crying too. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. You don’t know how much I wish things could be different. I wish that I was a different person. I want to love you and help you take care of this baby. And maybe one day I’ll be able to, but I can’t do this right now. I just can’t.”
Justin closed his arms around me. He rocked me back and forth as I cried against his shoulder. He whispered over and over again that he was sorry. I let myself get lost inside the warmth of his embrace. I was hurting and I needed someone to hold me, even if it was the person that had caused the pain.
“I hate you and I wish that I had never met you.”
My voice was muffled because my face was pressed against his chest, but I know that he heard me. He didn’t say anything, he just held me tighter. I guess he knew that they were just words.
I wasn’t fooling him and I couldn’t fool myself. I didn’t hate Justin. I didn’t hate him then and I don’t hate him now. I don’t know how to hate him, but I can’t help but think that the next few years of my life would have been a lot easier, if I could have learned how.
Do Unto Others by deebee73
Chapter Eleven: Do Unto Others
July 2006
Justin has been gone for almost two weeks now. The only thing that makes this disappearing act any different from all the rest is the fact that he’s actually calling this time around. When I hear his voice on the line, I pass the phone straight to Jonah. I know how much it means to him to talk to his father, but I’m not interested in a single word that Justin has to say at this point. All I can do is try to think about what I’ll do when he does finally come back. Will things be any different? Do I have the strength to slam the door in his face? I’m not even sure if that’s what I really want to do.
Justin gave me a lot to think about. As much as I would like to be angry about the things that he said to me before he left, I really can’t be. A lot of what he said was true. He had messed up my life to a certain degree, but much of what he’d done was what I’d let him do. I have to start taking responsibility for my own actions. I need to find out who I am outside of the shadow that Justin casts over my life. I’ve spent so much time being angry at him for disrespecting me, that I failed to realize that I was disrespecting myself.
But the first thing I need to do is think of something to make Jonah happy. Usually he’s always smiling and talking and running me ragged, but now he doesn’t want to do anything but sit by the phone, waiting for Justin to call. I know from firsthand experience that is no way to live.
Brian came over the other day and tried to get Jonah to go out and toss the football around, but he didn’t want to step outside. Not only does he not want to play, he doesn’t have much of an appetite either. He wouldn’t even touch the cupcakes that Rachel brought over for him.
There’s only two people whose presence could make Jonah feel better. One of them is off in Los Angeles doing god knows what with his psychotic fiancee. And the other I’ve been avoiding for weeks. I feel guilty to call JC now just because I want something. But I have to do something to make Jonah forget about missing his father for at least a little while. And one thing I can always depend on is that if I call JC, he will come.
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Jonah’s entire face lit up as soon as he saw JC. We all went out to dinner and when we came back home. Jonah talked JC’s ear off and played with him until he couldn’t keep his eyes open. JC told him I bedtime story and I went to straighten up.
I’m just putting away the last of Jonah’s toys and board games when JC comes out to join me in the living room.
“You do realize that we had our asses handed to us by a four year old.”
“I knew I was losing, I thought you were just letting him win.”
JC shakes his head at me. “I wish that were true.”
“So I guess the bottom line is that we both suck at Chutes and Ladders.”
“Seems that way.” He laughs and then takes a seat on the sofa.
“Thanks for coming over. Jonah’s been so sad since Justin left. Seeing you really cheered him up.”
“You don’t have to thank me for that. I was glad that you called.”
“I would have called sooner, but things were kind of hectic while Justin was here.” JC knows that’s not the reason why I didn’t return any of his phone calls, but he’s good enough not to call me on it.
“I spent the majority of my life with Justin, I know what it’s like when he’s around. He breezes through like a hurricane, upsets everything in his path and then he runs off before the dust settles.”
“Yeah. That’s exactly what it’s like.” I take off the clamp that’s holding my ponytail together and shake my hair down.
“So, what’s new with you?”
“Now that you ask, I was thinking about going back to work.”
A concerned look creeps onto JC’s face. “Did Justin threaten to cut you off again?”
“No. Nothing like that. Jonah starts kindergarten in the fall and there’s really not any reason for me to sit around the house doing nothing while he’s gone. I want to get out and meet people. I need to get some normalcy back in my life. I’m tired of feeling like a kept woman.”
“Good for you, Kay. Do you need help finding something?”
“One of the nurses that I used to work with told me about a clinic that needs some help. They need someone to assist with patients and work the front desk for a few hours in the morning. It’s something that I could do and still be here for Jonah when he gets out of school.”
“When were you thinking of getting started?”
“I wouldn’t be needed until September. I still need to go through the interview process, but I get the feeling that the job is mine if I want it.”
“I hope that works out for you, but if you need anything just let me know.”
“You do too much for me as it is. I can’t thank you enough for coming over today. I was surprised that you were still in town.”
“I went back to Los Angeles for a little while, but I had to come back here to sign some paperwork anyway.”
“What kind of paperwork?”
“I just bought a condo.”
A sinking feeling settles into my stomach. “You bought a condo here in Atlanta?”
“Yeah.” He looks at me expectantly, trying to see what my reaction to this is.
“I didn’t realize that you had any reason to spend enough time in Atlanta to have a home here.”
Some of the light goes out of his eyes. “If you can’t think of any reason for me to be here, you must not be thinking very hard.”
“JC, don’t. Please tell me that you aren’t moving here to be with me and Jonah.”
“I just want to be around more often. I didn’t say I was moving here permanently. Although I would if you asked me to.”
I close my eyes and try to think of some way to avoid having this discussion. “Lets not do this again.”
“Do what again?”
“Have this conversation. I just can’t right now.”
“What conversation are you talking about? Because the one thing that we really need to talk about has never been discussed. We keep putting it off and pushing it under the rug.”
“Some things are better left unsaid. You know that as well as I do.”
JC’s entire face shuts down. “Thanks for inviting me over.” He gets up and heads for the door. “It was good to see Jonah.”
“JC don’t leave like this.”
“I’m tired of hearing the same old things from you.”
A surge of panic rushes through me. I can’t stand the thought of JC being angry with me. I’m always afraid that I will do or say something that will drive him away once and for all.
“Wait, please.”
JC hesitates by the front door. He doesn’t turn around, but he doesn’t keep walking either. I come up behind him and slide my arms around his waist.
I press my mouth against the nape of his neck, knowing that he’ll be able to feel my lips move against his skin when I speak. “Don’t be mad at me. I need you.” And there it is. The three words that always turn JC around and melt his anger. It’s not the three words he most wants to hear from me, but it’s close enough.
He turns around in my arms. “I don’t know why I keep letting you do this to me.”
“I’m not doing anything to you. I’m just telling you how I feel.” I silence the voice in my head that tells me how wrong I am for the way that I treat JC. I ignore the part of me that realizes that the words I just spoke to him are the exact same words that Justin has spoken to me before.
I thread my fingers into JC’s hair and pull his head down to mine. He’s resistant to my kiss at first, but in a matter of seconds he gives in. He opens his mouth to me, eagerly caressing my tongue with his own. He presses his body against mine and follows me as I start to walk backwards toward the sofa. I push him down onto the cushions and straddle myself across his lap. His hands feel strong and comforting against my back.
I don’t know how many times JC and I have done this little dance. He gets fed up with me and I lure him back with a few soft words, some passionate kisses and a promise to do better. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? It’s low down and manipulative. The kind of behavior that I never would have thought I was capable of, but then again I did learn from the very best.
JC knows from experience that it’s not going to go any further than this, but this is enough. He accepts pieces of me. Which works out fine because pieces are all I have left to give.
It’s times like this when I believe that I am going straight to hell.
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JC has been gone for hours and I find myself lying on the sofa, staring at my living room ceiling. My guilty conscience making it impossible for me to get to sleep. For the millionth time I try to wrap my mind around the person that I’ve become and the choices that I have made. My life would be so much easier if I could love JC the way that he loves me.
I don’t understand why I don’t love him. He’s kind and forgiving. He doesn’t lie to me. Basically he’ll do anything that I ask him to. And I know that he loves me and Jonah. I’ve tried. I really have. I try to block Justin out of my mind and just accept JC as his own person, but I can’t do it.
I feel sick to my stomach, because what it all comes down to is that I’m just one more person that judges the two of them side by side. Despite the fact that I know how mean, deceitful and genuinely ugly Justin can be, he still comes out on top.
Sometimes I think that I deserve the dismissive way that Justin treats me because of the way that I treat JC. Karma is a bitch.
My thinking is interrupted by a soft knock on the door. I know who it is before I even get up. Only one person would have the audacity to show up on my doorstep after midnight. When I open the door, Justin is standing there with a duffel bag on his shoulder and a worn down look on his face.
“Hey. Can I come in?”
I step aside to let him enter. I go take a seat on the sofa while he puts his bag down. Instead of taking a seat himself, he continues standing. Hovering over me with his hands stuffed deep into his pockets.
“Isn’t this familiar? You creeping in my door after dark. I just got a very vivid image of what you must have been like in a past life. Waiting for the sun to go down so you could go creeping around the slave quarters.”
Justin pulls his bottom lip into his mouth and chews on it. He narrows his eyes at me and I can literally see him choking down a nasty comeback. “I know what you must be thinking, but I swear this is different.”
“Damn straight, it’s different. Unlike those other times, I will not degrade myself by giving you what you want.”
“I came this late because I wanted to talk to you before I saw Jonah. There are some things that you and I need to get straight before he even knows that I’m here.”
“This ought to be good.”
“First of all, I want you to know what I was doing while I was gone. I did some redecorating at my house. I got a room fixed up for Jonah.”
Justin pauses as though he’s waiting for my reaction, but I just look at him. “It hit me that Jonah hasn’t been in my house since he was a baby. I want him to visit me and he should have his own room when he does. I had the decorator do a Spiderman theme. He likes Spiderman, right?”
“You are too sad for words. You don’t know anything about Jonah.”
“I’m trying to change that.”
“Yeah, right. Jonah does like Spiderman, but it doesn’t make any difference because he will never get to see that room. I’ve told you a million times that I will not allow my son to be under the same roof with you and that psycho.”
“That’s not going to be a problem. Cameron and I aren’t together anymore. I called off our engagement.”
I definitely wasn’t expecting to hear that. “Why?”
“From this point on, Jonah is my number one priority. I can’t be with someone that can’t accept that. Also I didn’t like the fact that she actually showed up here disrespecting you. This is your home. No one has the right to come here and give you shit in your own home.”
“No one except for you, right?”
“I can see that you’ve decided not to make things easy for me.”
“I’ve spent six years making things easy for you. Do you expect me to believe that you broke up with Cameron because she was rude to me? She has been rude and condescending since the day I met her. Why don’t you tell me what’s really going on?”
“This is going to sound stupid, but I need to be by myself. I’m a liar and a manipulator. I’m immature, I’ve got a bad temper, a nasty attitude and my priorities are completely out of whack. I need to work on me before I can be any good for anybody.”
It’s all true, but I never thought he’d actually say it out loud. But still he is not off the hook. “So, it took you two weeks to break up with her?”
“No. That only took a couple of days. Making her believe that I meant it took a while though. She thought that you had brainwashed me or something. I also had to get her stuff out of my house and get my stuff out of her house. I didn’t want there to be any reason for us to cross paths again. A completely clean break.”
I control my urge to jump up and do my happy dance. “That still doesn’t add up to two weeks. Where else have you been?”
“I took a few days to think about some things and then I went to Orlando. I had a meeting with Johnny and my lawyers.”
“For what?”
The lightest hint of a smile comes over Justin’s face. “I want to give Jonah my last name.”
I must be hearing things. “What did you say?”
“I want to change Jonah’s last name to Timberlake, legally.”
“You. . .you can’t do that.”
“I understand if you don’t want him to have it.”
“That’s not what I mean. You’ll have to go to court. People will find out.”
“I know. But I don’t care. Jonah is my child and I want him to have my name.”
“And you told this to Johnny and your lawyers?”
“Yeah.”
“What did they say?”
“The phrase ‘career suicide’ was thrown around quite a bit. I also got a lot of ‘are you crazy?’. Long story short, I was strongly advised against doing it. At which point I strongly advised Johnny and my lawyers to kiss my ass.”
“But what about your fans and the press? What are they going to say?”
“Think of every mean, ridiculous, hurtful thing that you can. Then multiply that by a hundred. That’s what people are going to say. Then Brad and Angelina will break up or someone will catch Nicole Richie eating a sandwich and no one will care about us anymore.”
“What are we supposed to do in the meantime? I don’t want people hanging around my house trying to take pictures of me and Jonah.”
“I figured I could file the papers for the name change and then we can go to Millington. We can stay there for a couple of weeks. At least until the worst of it is over.”
“You make it all sound so simple and easy.”
“It’s not going to be easy, but it is simple. Jonah is my child. I love him and I don’t care who knows. I want people to know. Nothing could be any simpler than that.”
I can feel the tears starting to form in my eyes. I have waited four years to hear these words come out of Justin’s mouth and now that they have, I don’t know how to react.
“Don’t cry, Kayla. I thought this would be good news.”
“It is good news. I just . . .you don’t know what this means to me.”
Justin sits down beside me and uses his fingertips to wipe the tears from my face. “Seems like I manage to make you cry no matter how hard I try not to.”
“Why are you doing this?”
“All I’ve been giving you are words. Meaningless words and empty promises. It’s not enough for me to tell you that I’ve changed. I need to show you. Changing Jonah’s name and taking the two of you to meet my family is just the beginning.”
“I appreciate everything that you’re doing, but I hope you understand that these aren’t automatic fixes. None of this means that I will just fall back into a relationship with you.”
“I’m not trying to get back into a relationship with you.”
“Well, don’t sugarcoat it.”
“That came out harsher than I meant for it to. What I was trying to say is that I don’t want to be with you right now. And you shouldn’t want to be with me. I haven’t given you any reason to be with me. The one thing that we’ve never given each other is any time. Time to straighten ourselves out. Time to really know one another. I think that’s what we need the most.”
“So, you’re asking me to wait for you?”
“I’m not asking you to wait. I’m not really asking you for anything. The only thing that we need to focus on right now, is being decent to each other and being good parents to Jonah. Outside of that, I don’t have any other expectations. If something happens with us, that would be good. But if it doesn’t, it just doesn’t.”
“Who are you and what have you done with Justin Timberlake?”
“I can’t keep ducking and dodging my responsibilities for the rest of my life. It’s time to grow up.”
“It’s time for both of us to grow up. I gave a lot of thought to what you said to me before you left.”
“I’m sorry about that. Don’t get me wrong. I meant what I said, but I shouldn’t have come at you like that.”
“Don’t apologize. It was harsh, but it was what I needed to hear. You and me, we are nothing but one hundred percent drama for one another. But you’re not always the villain and I need to stop thinking of myself like a victim.”
Justin nods his head and takes a deep breath. “So. I said what I came to say. Can I put my stuff in the guest room or should I take my sorry ass to a hotel?”
I sit silently for a few minutes, even though I already know exactly what my answer will be. “You can take your sorry ass to the guest room.”
“Thank you.”
I get up and walk by him. “I’m going to bed. You should get some sleep too. You look like horrible.”
“Sweet talk me all you want. I’m not having sex with you tonight.”
I roll my eyes at him and he laughs. “You just won’t be satisfied until I beat your ass. Is that it?”
Justin grins and raises his eyebrows. “You know I like it rough.”
“You’re a freak. While you’re standing around acting silly, you’d better be calling somebody and beefing up the security at your house.”
“For what?”
“You know Cameron seems like the type to come back and try to burn the place down.”
“You’ve got a point there. Why do I always hook up with the crazy ones? I have horrible taste in women.”
I don’t even say anything. I just glare at Justin until he stops and thinks about what he just said.
“I didn’t mean you.”
“Goodnight, Justin.”
“Goodnight.” Justin gives me a friendly hug before picking up his bag and disappearing into the guest room.
Instead of going into my own room, I turn around and head back to the living room. No point in going to bed. I already know that I won’t be able to sleep.
I know that I should be happy. Justin is saying and doing all the right things and for once it doesn’t seem like an act. I believe that he genuinely wants to straighten up and help me raise Jonah the right way. But that’s what scares me the most.
If Justin is sincere about being a better person, that means that I have to do the same. From this point on, I no longer have him as an excuse for my own bad decisions.
Justin has been like a barrier between me and the real world. Clouding my judgment, blurring my vision. Once that barrier is lifted, there won’t be anything left but a clear reflection of who I really am.
I am so afraid that I won’t like what I see.
Part One: Jonah by deebee73
Chapter Twelve
Part One: Jonah
January 2002 - April 2002
After the bullshit that Justin laid on me when I told him I was pregnant, I had resigned myself to the fact that I would be raising my child on my own. I had a baby coming that needed something better than a mother that was sitting around worrying about some man. I had given Justin a chance to be a part of our baby’s life and he had passed it up. So that was a done deal for me.
I was scared by the thought of trying to raise a child on my own, but I knew that no matter what my baby would never want for anything. I had Rachel by my side and I knew that she would help me with whatever I needed.
I also had JC. Justin told him that I was pregnant, and he started calling me all the time. He was constantly asking me questions and always wanted updates from my doctor appointments. He even wanted to see the pictures from my ultrasound. . He was so excited, you would have thought that he was the father. I guiltily found myself wishing that he was.
The Pop Odyssey tour ended in January and the Celebrity tour wasn’t due to start until March, so JC came to Atlanta to see how I was doing. We had lunch, went to the movies and we went shopping. He made it his mission to see to it that I wasn’t sitting around being depressed. He even went to the doctor with me. He strolled right into the office without a bodyguard and without trying to disguise himself. My doctor was an older woman that probably had no idea who he was anyway, but he didn’t really seem to care one way or another. He sat in the waiting room with me, holding my hand and when someone commented on what a cute couple we made, neither of us bothered to correct them. JC never seemed to care who saw me with him and he went out of his way to let me know that he wanted to be there for me.
While JC, who had absolutely no obligation to do so, spent his downtime taking an interest in me and my baby; I had not seen Justin since I’d told him I was pregnant. I talked to him occasionally. He would call and ask a couple of questions and then he’d think of some really important thing that he needed to do. Lame excuses so that he could just get off the phone. I always got the feeling that JC had guilt tripped him into calling anyway. His concern seemed genuine, but it was clear that he still wasn’t ready to deal with the responsibility of being a father.
In a moment of clarity and common sense that was not to be repeated anytime soon, I put Justin out of my mind. I didn’t have time to be worrying about anybody that wasn’t worrying about me. But Justin seemed to have some sixth sense ability to know when I was slipping away from him. He could always pick the perfect time to show up and work his way right back under my skin.
It was February when Justin made his appearance. I was seven months pregnant by then and not in the best mood. Everything about my pregnancy was going smoothly, but still I was kind of a mess. My hormones were out of control. I had wickedly unpredictable mood swings and the extra twenty pounds I picked up made it hard for me to get around.
I was lying down, trying to find some position that was comfortable, when I heard the buzzer. My door was cracked opened and I could see Rachel moving through the hallway as she went to see who was at the door. Suddenly the quiet in our apartment was shattered by a string of curse words that would have made a sailor blush.
I waddled my way out to the living room to see what was going on. That was when I heard the sound of Justin’s voice coming over the intercom.
“I did not come here to talk to you. Can you just tell Kayla that I’m here and let her decide if she wants to see me or not.”
Rachel jabbed at the intercom to give him her reply. “Listen up good you piece of shit, because I will only say this one more time. You have got five seconds to remove yourself from the premises or I will call the police. What will all your precious little fans think when they see you being carted away on a very special episode of Cops?”
“Bitch if you call the police on me, I swear I’ll . . .”
“You’ll what? Hit me? It wouldn’t surprise me to find out that a punk like you would fight a woman.”
“You’re not a woman, you’re a nosy heifer. Now let me talk to Kayla.”
Rachel pushed the intercom button to give Justin another piece of her mind, but I stepped in front of her. “Come on up.” I pressed the button to give Justin entrance into the building.
Rachel turned to me with fire in her eyes. “Kay, are you insane? Why are you letting him come up here?”
“I want to hear what he has to say.”
“Why?”
“If he came to see me in person, maybe it’s important.”
“And maybe he knows that his bullshit plays better when he can give you the puppy dog eyes to go along with it.”
“Rachel, please. I know what I’m doing.”
“Humph. I doubt that, but this is your life. If you want to see him, I don’t have anything else to say. I’m going to my room.”
“You don’t have to leave, Rach.”
“Yes, I do. I think if I actually have to look at him, I’d try to kill him. Holler if you need me.”
Rachel trudged down the hall and slammed her door shut. I was trying to keep my composure, but I was getting anxious. I had no idea what Justin wanted to say to me. I was interested and afraid at the same time. I paced back and forth, until I heard his knock at the door.
I could tell by the golden glow on his skin that he had obviously been spending his time off somewhere warm. He was dressed casually, in jeans and a blue shirt that matched his eyes perfectly. I wanted to be unaffected by seeing him again, but I couldn’t pull it off. Despite everything he still looked beautiful to me, but I knew that beauty only went skin deep.
He stared at me and I started to feel self conscious. My hair was pulled back in a sloppy bun, I wasn’t wearing any make up. The feel of his eyes on me made me hyper aware of every ounce of baby weight that I had put on. I couldn’t stop myself from wondering if he still found me attractive. But I quickly pushed those thoughts aside and put on my best nonchalant facade.
I left Justin standing in the doorway and went to sit down on the sofa. He closed the door and joined me. I wanted him to be the first one to say something, but I grew frustrated as he just sat there looking at me from the corner of his eye and biting the cuticle around his thumbnail.
I pulled his hand away from his mouth. “Don’t just sit there. Say something.”
“Are you feeling okay?”
“You could have asked me that over the phone. What did you come here for?”
“I finally made the decision to do my solo cd. After we wrap up Celebrity, I’m going to Virginia Beach to start recording.”
“And I should care about that because?”
“Because, I rented a house there and I want you and the baby to come stay with me.”
“What?”
“I want you and the baby to live with me in Virginia.”
“Is this some kind of sick joke?”
“No, of course not. I want you to be with me.”
“Won’t that be kind of crowded? Me, you, the baby and Miss Britney. That seems like a full house to me.”
“Britney won’t be living there.”
“And I guess when she pops in for a visit, you plan to tell her that I’m the maid.”
“She’s not going to be visiting either.” Justin’s teeth were clinched so tightly that he could barely get the words out. “We broke up.”
“Oh please. Don’t tell me you can’t do any better than that. If the two of you broke up, it would be on the cover of every magazine. Why is this the first I’m hearing about it?”
“We want to keep the break up under wraps for a little while. She’s promoting that dumb ass movie and it would just be bad publicity right now. We’re just staying together for appearances.”
“Do you really expect for me to fall for that one again? That’s the same con game that you hooked me with the first time.”
“I know it sounds shady, but it’s true. If you don’t believe me, ask JC. Frankly, I’m surprised that he hasn’t already told you. He seems awfully eager to drop the dime on me.”
“JC and I have better things to do than talk about you.”
Jealousy tightened Justin’s face. “Things like what?”
“That’s none of your business.”
“What you do and who you do it with is most definitely my business. You’re the mother of my child.”
His self righteous, possessive tone was rattling my last nerve. “Is that what I am now? Cause four months ago, I was a tricky hoodrat trying to lock you down and get in your pockets.”
“Trace said that, not me. And I did tell him not to talk to you that way.” He seemed to think that made everything okay.
“This is pointless. You made it abundantly clear what you thought of me and this baby. So why don’t you pack up your lies and go back where you came from?”
“I’m not lying. Britney and I have been coasting on fumes for a long time. We went to Hawaii to try and work things out, but we couldn’t. There wasn’t anything left for us to save so we decided to go our separate ways.”
“Even if that is true, I don’t know how it affects me. Why should I care if Britney finally dumped your lying ass?”
“She didn’t dump me. I broke it off with her.”
“Why?”
Justin hesitated as though what he was about to say was painful to him. “She was sleeping with Wade.”
I laughed so hard, that it’s a wonder I didn’t go into premature labor. I laughed until I cried. Every time I tried to stop laughing, the pissed off look on Justin’s face made me laugh some more. “Oh lord. Thank you. I needed a good laugh.”
“I’m glad you find it funny.”
“You’ll have to forgive me if I don’t cry a river for your troubles. But Britney clowning you with one of your so called friends falls under the category of just desserts. You finally got a taste of what you deserve and hopefully you’ll learn something. But I still don’t know what this has to do with me.”
“That was like a wake up call for me, Kay. I screwed you over so that I could be with her. Then she turned around and did the same thing to me.”
“So what? I get to be your consolation prize? Thanks but no thanks.”
“I’m not explaining myself the right way. What happened with Britney made me realize that I was putting my energy into the wrong things. It made me realize what’s important. Britney was never the right woman for me and I know that now. We want different things. I was trying to settle down and have a real relationship and she still wanted to play a bunch of immature mind games. That’s not what I want to be about anymore. I want a relationship that means something. I want to be there for you and our baby.”
“Where is all this coming from? I tried to give you an opportunity to be a part of this child’s life and you tripped out on me.”
“I know that I acted like an idiot when you told me that you were pregnant, but that’s just because I was scared.”
“Scared of what? Your career falling off?”
“I’d be lying if I said that wasn’t a concern, but that’s not what I was the most afraid of. I’m scared that I won’t be a good father. Don’t you ever wonder if you’ll be a good mother? Doesn’t the fact that your mother ran out on you make you insecure about what kind of parent you’ll be?”
He was hitting me where it hurt the most. I did live in constant fear of the fact that I would turn out to be like my mother. Justin was a master manipulator. He knew just how to play on my emotions. How to use my fears to gather sympathy for himself.
“Why didn’t you say any of this to me before?”
“I have a hard time letting people know how I really feel. It’s easier to be cold than it is to admit that I’m afraid.”
His sob story and sad eyes were working their charms on me. Already I could feel myself wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt.
“I didn’t have the best mother or father and that does scare me. But it also makes me want to try harder. I’ll do anything I can to be better than my parents. My child will never grow up doubting that he’s loved.”
“He?” Justin caught my slip.
“Yeah. I’m having a boy.”
“I thought you wanted to be surprised.”
“I changed my. . . oh.” I grabbed my stomach as I could feel the baby moving around.
“Are you okay?” Justin reached toward me, but I waved him off.
“I’m fine. The baby’s just moving.” Justin’s eyes were alive with curiosity. “Do you want to feel him?”
He nodded his head so I took his hand in mine and placed it on my stomach. At first there was nothing, but he jumped a little bit as he could feel the baby kicking. “That is so cool.”
“That’s easy for you to say. It’s decidedly less cool, when it’s your body that’s being used like a gym mat.”
“Does he move around a lot?”
“Usually whenever I think about trying to get some rest, he starts fidgeting.”
We sat quietly for a moment. Justin seemed to be content with his hand resting gently against my stomach. “Have you thought about a name?”
“A little bit. I haven’t decided on anything yet.”
“I guess it’s safe to say that Justin junior is not in the running.”
“You’re smarter than you look.”
Justin held his head down and sighed. “I know I’m asking a lot of you. I was afraid to even come here. I thought that you would just tell me that you hate me and slam the door in my face.”
“You know that I don’t hate you. I’m just not sure that we should try to turn ourselves into some sort of instant family. Usually couples that get together just for a child’s sake end up resenting each other.”
“I’m not trying to pressure you into taking me back. I just want to be around our baby. I don’t want my child to grow up without me.”
“I don’t know.” Everything he was saying was sounding good, but I was still cautious.
“You don’t have to give me an answer right now. I won’t be going to Virginia until the middle of May. All I ask is that you give it some thought. I’ll keep in touch with you and you can tell me what you want to do after the baby is born.”
“That sounds fair.”
“I’d better get going now. Thanks for seeing me and listening to what I had to say.”
“Yeah.” I was trying to struggle to my feet when Justin took my hand and put his arm around my waist to help me up.
“I’ve got to fly to New Orleans for rehearsal. I’ll call you as soon as I get there.” He kissed my cheek and walked toward the door. But then he turned suddenly and dropped to one knee. My heart skipped because I thought he was about to propose to me. He didn’t have a ring, but what he did do was raise my shirt and press a warm, soft kiss right to the center of my belly. Now that was a smooth move. Intimate and fatherly. Justin had tricks for days.
He rose to his feet and placed his hand on the curve of my jaw. He leaned down to me until we were nose to nose. I shivered as he whispered his words against my lips. “Don’t give up on me, Kay.”
To this very day, I wonder if he had that little maneuver planned or if it was one of his spur of the moment, improvised pieces of shit. If I hadn’t been on the receiving end of his dickery, I would have admired his skills.
Rachel came out of her room as soon as she heard the door close. “What the hell did he want?”
“He wants me and the baby to come live with him.”
“And what did he say when you told him to kiss your ass? Because I know that must be what you said. You would not under any circumstance even entertain the thought of living with him.”
“I told him I’d think about it.”
“What’s there to think about? You told him you were having his child and he bailed on you. If he wants to have a relationship with the baby that’s all well and good, but you have to know that you can’t move in with him.”
“I didn’t say that I was going to do it. I just said that I’d think it over.”
“You can’t be serious.”
“Rachel, I know you’re only trying to look out for me, but you can’t possibly understand where I’m coming from. Your parents have been married for twenty nine years. You don’t know what it’s like to grow up without a mother and a father. I can’t just turn away a chance for this baby to have both parents around. Justin says that he wants to try and I believe him.”
“Justin has lied to you and hurt you from the second that you met him. What makes you think that this will be any different?”
“I have to give him the benefit. This isn’t just about me and my hurt feelings. Justin is my baby’s father and I can’t just dismiss him.”
“I’m not saying that you should cut him out completely, but I still don’t know why you two need to live together in order for him to be a decent father.”
“The first few months of a child’s life are very important. I want Justin to have an opportunity to bond with our son.”
“And that’s the only reason why you would even consider moving in with him, right?”
“What are you trying to say Rachel?” I knew exactly what she was trying to say, but I was deep in denial.
“I just hope that you aren’t counting on this to lead to any kind of real relationship for the two of you.”
“This has nothing to do with Justin and I being together.”
“Uh-huh.” Rachel turned on her heel and headed back to her room. Her disbelief was hanging in the air.
On the surface of my mind, I believed what I’d just said. I told myself that I had no real interest in being with Justin. But deep down, in a part of myself that I refused to acknowledge, the thought had crossed my mind that if Justin was sincere, maybe there might be a chance for us after all.
After his visit, Justin started behaving like a concerned father. He called everyday wanting constant updates on how I was doing. He was so sweet and he would end every phone call by having me put the phone against my stomach, so he could talk to the baby. He even had me put Rachel on the phone so that he could talk to her. He wanted to apologize and explain himself. She wasn’t buying it, but he did try.
Around the end of March, rumors of his and Britney’s breakup started appearing in all the tabloids. I asked JC if they were true and he confirmed that they were. It seemed that for once in his life Justin had actually said something that wasn’t a lie. My guard came down and my hopes went up.
Having the family that I had always dreamed of started to seem less like an absurd fantasy and more like a real possibility.
******************************************************************************
I started having contractions at about ten o’clock at night on April 29th. After panicking a little bit, Rachel rushed me to the hospital and nine hours later I welcomed seven pounds and five ounces of pure joy into my world. You think you know what it’s going to be like, but there is nothing that prepares you for the first time you hold your newborn baby in your arms. It is a mixture of fear and excitement that has no comparison.
I had chosen to have my baby at Emory Crawford Long Hospital, because they had mother-baby suites. I was in a huge private room where Jonah would always be with me, which was a good thing. The thought of me being in one room and him being tucked away in some nursery would have made me crazy.
While I was resting, Rachel called Justin and JC. They had just finished up the last show of the Celebrity tour on the 28th and they both wanted to come right away, but I had Rachel ask them to wait. I needed some time alone with my son and I wanted to get my thoughts together. Frankly, I wouldn’t have minded if JC had come sooner, but it didn’t seem right to let him come and ask Justin to stay away. I couldn’t hold it off forever, so after a couple of days I told them it was okay to come.
I was sitting up in bed with Jonah in my arms when they got there. JC came right into the room and leaned over the side of the bed to get a look, but Justin lingered in the doorway like he was afraid.
“Don’t you want to meet your son?” Justin came into the room slowly and a look of sheer panic came over his face when I stretched Jonah out to him.
Once he got Jonah in his arms he seemed to relax a little bit. He smoothed his hands over Jonah’s silky blond curls and seemed fascinated by his perfect little hands and feet. When Jonah cracked his eyelids to reveal a sliver of eyes so blue that they looked black, I could tell by the look on Justin’s face, that he had fallen in love.
Justin looked at me with unshed tears shining in his eyes. “This is us, Kay.”
“Yeah, he is.” I scooted over a little bit, giving Justin room to sit down on the side of the bed.
“I just realized that I don’t even know his name yet.”
“That is Jonah Randall James.”
“You gave him my middle name. Thank you.” Justin seemed genuinely touched, but I could tell by the way that Rachel rolled her eyes to the ceiling that she wasn’t moved at all.
“Too bad that he can’t have your last name too.” That comment seemed to make both Justin and JC uncomfortable.
I cut my eyes at her. “Rachel, now is not the right time.”
“I get the feeling that it’s never going to be the right time.” I opened my mouth to say something, but she put her hand up. “I know my opinion is unwelcome, so I’ll just be going.”
“Rachel, don’t leave.”
“No. It’s okay. I’ve got some errands that I need to run anyway. Brian and I will drop by tomorrow.” Rachel grabbed her purse and left before I could say anything else.
JC broke the awkward silence that had settled over the room. “Can I hold him?”
Justin seemed reluctant to let Jonah go. “You can hold him, but you’ve got to sit down first.”
“Why?”
Justin smiled at JC. “You know you’ve got fumble fingers. If you drop my baby, I’d have to kick your ass.”
“I can’t believe you said that.” JC looked to me for support, but I just shrugged my shoulders.
“You are kind of clumsy.”
“So y’all are just gonna gang up on me, huh?” JC sat down in the chair beside my bed and Justin carefully placed Jonah into his arms.
The three of us sat in that room for hours laughing, talking and fussing over Jonah. That was also the day that Justin asked JC to be Jonah’s godfather. For a minute there it seemed like we were going to be okay. Justin and JC had disagreements, but they didn’t despise each other yet. And there actually seemed to be hope that maybe Justin and I would get our act together too. I would have cherished the moment more, if I had known how short lived it was going to be. It wouldn’t be much longer before Justin and JC could barely stand to be in the same room together. As far as Justin and me, that’s a mess that we’re still trying to untangle.
Eventually, I put Jonah to bed and JC left. He understood that Justin and I had a lot of things to talk about.
Justin sat down on the edge of the bed and took my hand. “Have you made any decision about coming to Virginia? I’m not trying to rush you or anything. But I’m leaving in a couple of weeks and there’s a lot we need to do before then.”
I just blurted out the first thing that came to my mind. “I don’t trust you Justin.”
“Kay. . .”
“Let me finish. I don’t trust you. I really want to, but I just don’t. You haven’t given me many reasons to trust you. If you want me and Jonah to come with you, you’ve got to give me something to hold on to.”
“I want to be able to tell you that if you give me another chance that I won’t disappoint you. But I can’t do that. I don’t know if I can do any of this. I don’t know if I can be a good father. I can’t promise you that I can be a good man for you. All I can do is promise you that I’ll try. It’s not much, but that’s all I can give you right now.”
He looked sincere, he sounded sincere and I think he meant what he said. But that’s the trick with Justin. He means what he says while he’s saying it, but he’s fickle. He can change on the dime and what he says one day, doesn’t mean anything the next.
But I was not yet wise to all of his trickery and word play. At the time, I admired his honesty. I would have been immediately suspicious if he had promised me perfection, but he readily admitted to being flawed. I felt like maybe he needed me as much as I needed him.
I told him that I needed a little more time to think it over, but the truth is my decision was made the very second that I saw him holding Jonah in his arms. I kept Justin in suspense for a couple of days before letting him know that I was willing to give living with him a try.
He was so excited when I said yes. He told me that we could take things slow. He said that it would be good for us to be together away from the pressures and temptations of Los Angeles. It would just be me, him and Jonah. He would work during the day, then come home and spend time with us at night. He said that he knew we had a long way to go, but if we worked at it we could be a family.
That’s not exactly the way that it turned out.
Part Two: Virginia is for Lovers by deebee73
Chapter Twelve
Part Two: Virginia Is For Lovers
May - July 2002
If the singing and acting gigs ever dry up for Justin, he should try his hand at politics. He can talk out of both sides of his neck. He can bend the truth until it screams for mercy, and still somehow manage not to tell a complete lie. He has absolutely no problem making promises that he can’t keep. And he can do all of these things without blinking, itching or twitching. Wouldn’t surprise me at all if he ends up running for president one day.
The way that Justin had explained things to me before we got to Virginia had seemed reasonable. According to his master plan, he was going to gradually work Jonah and I into his life. He said being a solo artist would allow him to have a more mature fan base that would be less likely to go to pieces at the thought of him having a child. He told me that if I would just give him time to get established in his career, he would be able to tell the whole world about me and Jonah.
There was still a bit of a gray area about what exactly it was that we hoped to achieve by living together. Of course Jonah was the main focus. Taking care of him was more important than anything else. But at the same time we thought that we could work on our relationship in the back ground. He said that he would do whatever it took to earn my trust. He promised me love and understanding.
What he didn’t tell me was that there was a limited time warranty on that promise. But really, that’s the least of what he conveniently forgot to mention.
The first obstacle to our impending domestic bliss was Trace. I was belatedly informed that he would be joining us in Virginia. He wasn’t actually going to be living with us, but he was going to be around a lot and he wasn’t empty handed. Justin had agreed to do a show for MTV and Trace was supposed to earn his keep by shooting part of the footage for the show. That meant that Trace was going to be all over the place with a video camera. I was told kindly, yet firmly that I was not going to be allowed on camera.
That was no big deal to me. For one thing, I didn’t think for one second that I would be allowed on camera. And second, I have never had any desire to be caught up in the frenzy of Justin’s public life.
The next surprise that Justin had for me was the suite that he had booked at the Crowne Plaza Hotel. Why does someone with a whole house need a hotel room? Of course there was a reasonable explanation for that. He said he needed it for a front because he certainly couldn’t let anybody know that he was actually living in a house with his baby and his baby’s mama. Neither of whom technically existed.
There was a certain sort of twisted logic to that, but in reality, it was somewhere for him to hide out when he didn’t feel like coming home.
Last but not least, Justin failed to properly explain to me that he wasn’t actually going to be in Virginia all that much. Every time I turned around he was going to Los Angeles, New York or Miami. And of course I couldn’t go with him. Traveling with a baby was too much trouble, he said. You’d be bored because I’ll be working, he said. I can’t actually let anyone see you with me; he didn’t say that part, but it was heavily implied.
There was always a reason why Jonah and I had to stay stuck in that house, while he went wherever he wanted and did whatever he wanted.
But even without all of that, there was still one very important factor working against us. Justin and I were both dysfunctional head cases with a barely passing acquaintance with how to conduct a relationship or behave like mature adults. This was a fact that I never even knew about myself until I lived with him. The two of us living under the same roof was a disaster waiting to happen. Somehow, we managed to bring out the absolute worst in each other.
Now don’t get me wrong. We were able to see past our own foolishness well enough to be good parents. When he was around, Justin was a good father. He never minded getting up with Jonah in the middle of the night, he was excellent at changing diapers and I can’t tell you how many times he fell asleep on the sofa with Jonah cradled against his chest. We knew how to treat Jonah. We just didn’t know how to treat each other.
The problem was that we didn’t know how to just exist. We lived for drama. If there was no drama readily presenting itself, we could find ways to invent some. It was almost like we didn’t know what to do with ourselves if we weren’t arguing about something. Between the two of us we could make an argument out of anything. Be it a dirty dish in the sink or a misplaced magazine. You name it, we could fight about it.
Not that we actually had to make up things to fight about. There were plenty of real issues to keep us occupied.
******************************************************************************
I was sitting in the rocking chair beside Jonah’s crib when I heard the sound of Justin’s Escalade pulling into the driveway. I kissed Jonah on the forehead and gently laid him down. I should have just gone to bed because I already knew what was going to happen. I had only been living with Justin for a short amount of time, but it hadn’t taken me long to learn this particular scenario by heart.
Justin was about to come stumbling in the door. He would be bleary eyed and just a little wobbly on his feet. His clothes would smell like liquor, women and weed. I would ask where he had been and he would tell me that he had been out with Pharrell or Chad or Trace or one of the other various hangers ons that he seemed to be running with that summer. I would question the validity of whatever he said and then it would be on and popping.
I would insult him. He would insult me and then he would start the double talk.
Justin could find a way to turn any situation into something that was my fault. He made an art form out of turning his dirt around and bouncing it off of me. No matter how the argument started, I would usually end up doing the apologizing.
I knew what was going to happen, but that didn’t stop me from going downstairs anyway. I always harbored the hope that one of those nights it would be a different story.
He was just coming in the door as I reached the bottom of the stairs. He seemed surprised to see me standing there. “Hey, what are you doing up?”
“I couldn’t sleep.”
“You shouldn’t wait up for me.”
“I was just worried because you didn’t call.”
“I was out with Pharrell. We finished up late in the studio, then we decided to go get a drink. It’s no big deal.”
“Where did you go?” I asked this question as casually as I could, desperately trying to keep the suspicion out of my voice.
“I just told you where I went.” I may have been trying to control my tone, but Justin made no attempt to disguise his annoyance.
“Where did you and Pharrell go to get a drink?”
Normally Justin can pull a lie out of his ass in ten seconds flat, but catch him while he’s tired or high and he will draw a complete blank.
He let out a heavy sigh and rolled his eyes to the ceiling. “I don’t remember the name of the place.”
“You can’t remember the name of the place, because there was no place. I don’t think you were with Pharrell. I think that you were laid up with some groupie.”
“I’m not in the mood for this stuff tonight, Kayla. Why don’t you keep your crazy talk to yourself?” Justin made a move to go upstairs, but I stood in front of him blocking his path.
“It’s not crazy talk. You weren’t anywhere having a drink. There’s not a damn thing open around here at the crack of dawn except for legs.”
Justin smiled at me, but I could tell that there wasn’t anything friendly about it. “Maybe if you’d open your legs, I’d have a reason to be at home.”
The gloves had officially come off. Our arguments didn’t take long to get started and once they did, the insults and nasty remarks rolled off both of our tongues.
“You’re disgusting. Why would I have sex with you? We’re not even together.”
“Exactly. We’re not together. So what makes you think that you can question me about where I go and what I do?”
He had me there, but logic had no place in any of our arguments. “I thought that we were supposed to be working on our relationship.”
“I have been working on our relationship, but I’ve been doing it by myself. You won’t give me an inch. You question my every move, you don’t seem to believe a single word that comes out of my mouth and you flinch every time I try to touch you.”
“I question everything you say and do because we both know that you can barely open your mouth without lying. And as far as the flinching, no one in their right mind would want to be touched by you. I can only imagine what or should I say who, you get into out there in the street.”
“I can’t believe that you’re surprised that I’m in no rush to come up in here. I can’t get none and then you want to pick fights on top of that. What the hell am I supposed to be coming home to?”
“Oh, so if I’m not willing to put out, then it’s not worth your time to show up here at a decent time or treat me with a little respect. Is that what you’re trying to say?”
“I’m not trying to say shit. If that’s what you think, then fine. But don’t twist my words to fit your script.”
“I don’t even know why this is an issue. I made it perfectly clear that I was not just going to jump into bed with you. You said that you understood that I needed to wait.”
“I’ve been waiting and apologizing and begging for forgiveness the entire time that we’ve been here and you still treat me like shit.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “I treat you like shit? You completely ignore me Justin. You don’t spend nearly enough time with Jonah. The only company I have is the cleaning woman that comes three times a week and I don’t know enough Portuguese to be able to carry on a decent conversation with her.”
“You knew that I was going to be working. Did you think I’d be able to sit around every damn day holding your fucking hand? Grow up, Kay.”
Despite the hard attitude that I was trying to perpetrate, all of our constant arguing was starting to wear me down. When I spoke to him, the tremor in my voice was an indicator of the tears to come. “Why do you have to be so hateful? Can’t you see that I’m miserable?”
Whenever Justin could see that I was right on the verge of breaking down, he would take a softer approach. Hard as this may be to believe, he’s never liked to see me cry. Also our arguing had given his hazy mind time to craft a lie. “Some of the guys took me to a strip club on Independence Boulevard.”
“Why didn’t you just say that in the first place?”
“The place was kind of trashy and I thought it might piss you off to know that I went there. I had a few drinks and then I came home. That’s all that happened tonight.”
“You swear?”
“I swear.” Justin looked down at me and tucked a stray strand of hair behind my ear. “Are you mad at me?” As if he actually cared.
“I’m not mad. I’m just lonely. I know that you have to be out during the day, I didn’t think you’d be gone all night too. I don’t even know why you asked me to come here.”
“I asked you to come because I need you here. I want to be with you and Jonah.”
“If you want to be with us, why do you spend all your time running the streets with Pharrell or Trace? Or going anywhere with anybody as long as it means that you don’t have to come home?”
“Kayla, I want to be here and I want to work things out with you. But I stay away because I can’t stand to see that look on your face.”
“What look?”
“That look you give me, like you know that I’m going to screw this up. That disappointed look you give me like you’re just waiting for me to do something wrong. Like you’re looking for any excuse to pack up Jonah and leave me.”
For anyone that questions Justin’s acting abilities, let me assure you that he sold the mess he was talking for all that it was worth. I mean he was seriously working it. I actually started to feel guilty.
“I don’t look at you like that.”
“Yes you do. You’ve been keeping me at a distance since we got here. I said I’d wait and that’s what I meant, but I’m kind of frustrated because it doesn’t seem like we’re getting anywhere. I don’t feel like you’re giving me or this relationship a real chance.”
“That’s not true, Justin.”
“That’s the way that it feels.” He paused and squeezed out a couple of crocodile tears. “Don’t string me along. If you’re never going to forgive me and don’t want me anymore, just say so. Because you can’t have it both ways, Kay. You can’t act like you don’t want to be with me and then turn around and act like a jealous girlfriend.”
See how he flipped that script? We had started out talking about his shortcomings, but we ended up talking about how I was doing him wrong.
Now, a person without love and foolishness clogging up their ears would have heard a bunch of gobbledegook. I heard something else entirely. What I heard was someone making a heartfelt plea. I told myself that maybe it was my fault that things weren’t working out.
Justin and I had been in a sort of limbo since moving in together. He had been very kind and understanding when we first got to Virginia, but I had adopted a very standoffish attitude towards him. As time passed and I still continued to give him the cold shoulder, Justin started to lose his patience. That’s when he started pulling away and staying out all the time.
“I’m sorry, Justin. I’m sorry if I’ve been making you feel guilty. I don’t mean to.” Once again I was the one doing the apologizing.
“You don’t have to apologize. I’m just asking you to work with me a little bit, that’s all. Just let your guard down and give me the benefit.”
“I can do that. I really do want this to work. I know I may not have acted like it, but I’m glad that you asked me to come here. I don’t mean to be so hard on you.”
“We both need to do a lot better. My staying out all the time isn’t going to solve anything. Starting tomorrow I’m going to come straight home from the studio. Would you like that?”
I nodded my head and let Justin pull me into a hug. I didn’t really believe his story about going to a strip club, but I also didn’t want to believe the alternative. What I decided to do was to ignore everything that had happened up to that point and start over fresh.
Justin had a lot of faults, but so did I. I thought that maybe we could fix each other. I made that classic female mistake of thinking that I could turn things around, that I could change Justin. But the only one that was about to go through any changes was me.
******************************************************************************
Justin kept his promise about coming home early that next day. I had already fed Jonah and put him to bed by the time Justin got there. The lights were turned down low, the candles were lit and soft music was playing on the sound system.
I rushed out of the kitchen when I heard Justin coming in the door. “Hey.” I pulled him down to me and gave him a kiss. Considering the fact that I hadn’t kissed him or touched him in any intimate way since we’d gotten there, he was surprised to say the least.
“What was that for?”
“Just because. Come on.” I grabbed his hand and led him to the dining room. He was visibly confused by the romantic setting that he saw before him.
“What’s all this?”
“This is me letting you know that I really am trying. I want to be with you Justin. I was hoping that we could put everything behind us and start over.”
Justin and I have wiped the slate clean and started over more often than any two people should be allowed to.
“That’s what I want too. More than anything. You didn’t have to go through any trouble for me though.”
“It’s nothing. Sit down.”
Justin took a seat and pulled me down into his lap. We kissed a little bit until Justin pulled away from me. He sniffed the air and wrinkled his nose. “Is something burning?”
I jumped up and ran back into the kitchen. The entire meal that I had spent the afternoon trying to make was ruined. The chicken that I was trying to bake was black as charcoal. And my garlic mashed potatoes were stuck to the pot. The food was pretty much a mess but I brought it to the table anyway.
Justin’s eyebrows shot straight up into his hairline when I brought that crispy bird out of the kitchen, but he didn’t say a word about it. He tried scraping off the burnt part, but when he carved into it, the chicken was still raw in the middle. He could tell that I was upset, so he tried to eat it anyway, but I took the chicken and dumped it in the trash before he gave himself food poisoning.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened.”
“You probably just had the oven up too high. Don’t worry about it. The potatoes look good though.”
“You really think so? Cause I didn’t use one of those packages. I made those from scratch.” I was so proud of myself. I really shouldn’t have been.
Justin grabbed the serving spoon and piled a heaping helping onto his plate. He scooped up a big spoonful and put it into his mouth. Everything seemed okay for a few seconds, but then his face got tight and it looked like he was going to throw up.
“What’s wrong?”
Justin couldn’t answer me right away. First he swallowed down the lump of potatoes. Then he drank an entire glass of iced tea.
“Um, Kayla. Exactly how much garlic did you put in those potatoes?”
“I don’t know. A couple of cloves.”
“Whole cloves? Not the little sections. You used two whole cloves?”
“No. I used three whole cloves. Was that too much?”
“Not if you’re trying to keep Count Dracula away.” He was trying not to laugh, but I could tell that he wanted to.
I snatched the plates and serving platters off the table, marched into the kitchen and threw everything into the sink. I was leaned over the counter when Justin came into the kitchen. He put his hand on my shoulders, turning me around to face him. I’m sure that disappointment showed all over my face.
“It’s okay, Kayla. I’m not even that hungry. We can order something later if you want. A burnt chicken and some over seasoned potatoes isn’t anything to get upset about.”
“I’m not upset about the food. I’m upset about everything. I feel like we’re just two kids playing house. Pretending to be adults and doing a really bad job of it. I was really trying to make this night special. And now it’s ruined. Everything is ruined.”
“Nothing is ruined. I don’t care that you don’t know how to cook. We can have take out every night for the rest of our lives and it wouldn’t make any difference to me. All that matters is that you want to be with me. That you really want for us to be a family. Having you and Jonah in my life is all that matters to me anymore.”
As if that little speech wasn’t sappy enough on its own, Justin decided to use his trump card. It was the one trick he had yet to pull out of his bag and I have to give him props for waiting for just the perfect occasion. He knew he had me right where he wanted me. I just needed a little push and push he did.
He led me into the living room and we sat down on the sofa. “I need to tell you something.”
My heart was thumping so hard I felt like it might pump it’s way right out of my chest. I didn’t have any idea what he wanted to say to me and I was afraid to hear it. I sat there expectantly, waiting for whatever was coming next.
Justin took my hands into his and looked into my eyes. “Kayla. I love you.”
Those three words seemed to bring time to a standstill. I was dumbfounded. “What did you say?”
“I love you. I know that I haven’t done a good job of showing it, but I do. I’ve wanted to tell you for so long, but I was afraid.”
“Afraid of what?”
“Afraid that you wouldn’t believe me. Afraid that you wouldn’t care. But I’m not afraid anymore and I want you to know. I’m in love with you. I think that maybe I always have been. I guess you just have to ask yourself whether or not you love me.”
You should have seen the look he was giving me. Remember that old Nsync video? The one set in the insane asylum? Remember that scene where Justin looked like he was about to burst into tears and you just wanted to give him a hug? That’s the look that he was giving me.
What was I supposed to say when faced with that look? Also, that was actually the first time that he’d told me he loved me. Actually hearing the words, tore down the last of my rather weak defenses. I knew that we still had a lot of problems, but if he loved me, then there wasn’t anything that we couldn’t get through.
“You know that I love you Justin.” It wouldn’t have taken a genius to figure out what was going to happen next. Without saying another word, we got up and went upstairs to our bedroom.
He undressed me slowly and lavished attention on each and every inch of my body. I had an orgasm before he even got my pants off. Of course you have to take into account the fact that I had not been with anyone since the last time that Justin and I had slept together, and that had been more than a year. To say that I was ripe for the picking would have been an understatement.
Justin certainly used that to his advantage. He sexed me up one side and down the other; whispering soft words of love and devotion the entire time. I’ll just go ahead and say it. That punk had me dick whipped.
Afterward, we laid in bed all tangled up together in a big pile of limbs. Even with the air conditioner on, it was way too hot to be stuck up under each other like that, but we didn’t care. We were in the throes of a love hangover.
We talked all night, but it was all bull. We didn’t talk about what Justin had been up to on the nights when he stayed out so late. We didn’t talk about when he was going to tell his family about Jonah. We didn’t talk about any concrete plans for the future. We just fed each other a bunch of sugar coated nonsense. It sounded sweet, but it didn’t amount to anything.
Just like that, we were back together. And that right there is the epitome of everything that was wrong with Justin and I as a couple. We only had two speeds. Stop and go. It was always all or nothing. We were either at each other’s throats or we ran to the opposite end of the spectrum; lovey-dovey and blissful, all hugged up on each other up like we didn’t have a care in the world. We had no middle ground.
After that night things did get better, though. Justin came home at a decent hour and actually behaved like he was glad that I was there. He would spend hours just holding Jonah in his arms or rocking him to sleep. We spent so much time together. We would watch tv, listen to music or read to each other. Sometimes we would just sit down together and Justin would rest his head against my shoulder. He would wrap himself around me like a child clinging to a security blanket.
Things were good.
For the most part.
There were still those nights where I watched the clock until I could no longer keep my eyes open and he still hadn’t come home. The only difference was that I no longer asked him where he’d been, nor did he offer any explanation.
There were the times when we would ask Mari, our housekeeper, to watch Jonah for a few hours so that we could go out together. There was always a party being thrown somewhere. Not parties where any press would be present obviously, but private parties being held by Pharrell or some of his friends. No one at those parties asked who I was, nor did they seem to care.
We did have fun at those parties, but sometimes Justin would disappear. He would leave one of his flunkies to run interference and keep me occupied. He would reappear fifteen or twenty minutes later, sometimes looking kind of disheveled. The few times that I asked him where he’d gone off to, he denied any wrongdoing with the innocent face of a choir boy.
If he said that nothing had happened, nothing happened. My love goggles were firmly in place. And the fact that I’d never actually caught him red handed (he was much too slick for that) led me to believe that maybe my suspicions were all in my head.
Nagging doubts gnawed at me until I started to believe Justin’s hype.
Justin was famous and handsome. He was one of the world’s sexiest eligible bachelors, according to the hacks at People magazine. He could have his pick of practically anyone that he wanted. Who could blame him for looking elsewhere if I was all he had to come home to?
Maybe I wasn’t shedding my baby weight fast enough. Maybe my conversation was boring to him. Maybe I wasn’t adventurous enough in the bedroom. My self esteem wasn’t just in the toilet, it had gone straight on through to the sewer.
Of course that little bit of self awareness is all in hindsight. At the time what I thought was that I would just try harder. If I worked out more often. If I tried my hardest to be interesting and witty. If I would willingly go along with any of the kinky little things that Justin came up with. If I could just be perfect, he wouldn’t have any reason to look anywhere else. Naturally, that plan was destined to fail. There is no such thing as perfection.
I look back on that time in my life and I seriously wonder what was wrong with me. Was I naive? Was I living in a fantasy world of my own creation? Was I in need of a good kick in the ass? Or maybe I was plain old stuck on stupid. The answer of course was all of the above. But it also went deeper than that.
I wasn’t stuck in that holding pattern of a relationship by myself, Justin was right there with me. As a matter of fact, Justin and I were flip sides of the same coin. My fears and insecurities fit into his seamlessly.
Justin knew that in my heart I didn’t believe that I was worthy of genuine love and affection. That was an issue that I had been dealing with all my life. If your own mother and father can’t be bothered to stick around, why would anyone else? I was afraid that no one would ever really love me. I was afraid of being abandoned. That made me try harder, love more and put up with things that I shouldn’t have.
Justin on the other hand, had a fear of loving too much. He had put his heart on the line before and gotten it broken. He was not about to go through that again. He decided that he would not be the person that had more invested in the relationship. He wanted to keep his emotional attachment to a minimum. He needed to be in the power position. He needed to be able to walk away without looking back.
It was like an addiction. The harder Justin tried to keep his love just out of my reach, the more I craved it. The harder he tried to keep a distance between us, the tighter I clung to him. This created a bond that has been virtually impossible to break free from.
Don’t think for one second that it’s a one way street either. Justin is just as tangled up in me as I am in him.
We were a match made in hell.
You Can Run but You Can't Hide by deebee73
Chapter Thirteen: You Can Run But You Can’t Hide
August 2006
I glance in the rearview mirror and take a look at Jonah as he snores away in his car seat. I’m glad that he’s finally settled down. Jonah is usually as sweet natured a child as you’ve ever wanted to be around, but for some reason, he has had hell in him for the last eight hours. Can’t say that I blame him. More than once today, I have been tempted to scream at the top of my lungs and have a good old fashioned tantrum myself.
Justin and I decided to drive to Tennessee. An eight hour drive in the summer with two ex lovers and a cranky four year old was clearly not the best recipe for a road trip, but given the circumstances we thought it was for the best. Neither of us wanted to deal with the circus that probably would have awaited us at the airport. Fending off reporters and photographers trying to catch a glimpse of Justin Timberlake, his side piece and illegitimate love child was not our idea of a good time.
So driving it was. The day got off to a bad start because we didn’t get on the road as early as I would have liked. Jonah and I were up, but rousing Justin is like trying to wake the dead. I literally had to pull him out of bed and push him into the shower. You would think all those years of having to get up at the crack of dawn and jump on an airplane would have made him easier to deal with. Wrong. Even after he got out of the shower and got dressed he was still dragging his feet and grouchy as hell.
And it’s not like things were any better once we got out on the road. I don’t know if it was the heat, the humidity or if we had just used up the last of our short supply of maturity, but Justin and I both started acting foolish. We argued about which car to take. We argued about whether to take the interstate or back roads. We even fussed about what radio station to listen to.
Eventually we both calmed down and started acting like we had a little bit of sense. But our petty bickering must have gotten on Jonah’s nerves, because he just started wilding out. He complained about the dvd that we tried to get him to watch. He complained about the place where we stopped to have lunch. He complained about everything until eventually he tired himself out and went to sleep.
At least one of us is finally getting some rest.
I glance out the window and look up into the night sky. It’s true what they say. The stars do shine brighter in the country. It’s quiet and dark out in a way that you’ll never find in the city. The car bounces along a road that becomes rockier with each mile that we go. It seems like we crossed the Memphis city limits hours ago, yet we’re still driving. It looks like civilization is getting farther and farther away.
"How far out into the boonies do you people live?"
"Complaining already, my little city mouse?"
"I’m not complaining, you big country rat. I’m just wondering if we’ve finally reached the point in our relationship where you’ve decided to take me out into the woods to kill me."
"It’s not that much further, okay?"
"Uh-huh."
Justin looks at me from the corner of his eye. "You don’t have anything to worry about."
"I’m not worried." Justin knows that I’m lying through my teeth, but he has enough sense to zip his lips and but both of his beady eyes back on the road.
Of course I’m worried. Why wouldn’t I be worried? Taking this trip seemed like a good idea at first, but now I’m starting to wonder.
Justin’s mom is cool and I’ve talked to his stepfather on the phone and he seems okay as well. What worries me are the grandparents. I hate to judge people based on stereotypes, but in my experience old white folks from the south usually aren’t all that excited about interracial relationships and biracial great grandchildren probably won’t send them jumping for joy. So I’m really not sure how this meet and greet with the family is going to go. But staying where we were wasn’t a much more attractive option.
It wasn’t long after Justin filed the petition to change Jonah’s name, that all hell broke loose. Copies of the court papers showed up on The Smoking Gun, they were talking about it on Entertainment Tonight and Barbara Walters started calling, practically salivating at the idea of getting Justin to sit down for another jive ass interview with her. Crazy broad wanted to talk to me too, to which of course I said hell no.
The tabloids wasted no time in digging up my identity. They had more than a little help from Cameron. She went on the Tonight Show and ‘let it slip’ that I was the woman in the pictures that were taken at the Maxwell concert. She was eager to paint herself as an innocent bystander that had no idea what was going on until very recently. To let her tell it, she was just as shocked as anyone.
Cameron went on at great length about how Justin had suddenly sprung it on her that he had a child and that he was dumping her for his baby’s mama. She managed to absolve herself of any involvement, make me seem like the homewrecker and paint Justin as the world’s biggest asshole all at the same time. I’d never thought much of her acting before, but that was an Oscar worthy performance.
Public opinion on me ranged the spectrum from sympathy to downright hatred. Depending on who you asked I was either a wronged woman (true), an idiot (very true) or an aspiring golddigger (not true).
I wasn’t exactly winning any popularity contests, but Justin took the brunt of the media abuse. He was being labeled as a liar (true), a deadbeat dad( not true), a cheater (very true) and a jungle fever having low life (I’m not touching that one).
But he took it all like a man. He didn’t try to deny anything or spin the situation to gain sympathy for himself. He issued a simple statement that only said that he wasn’t perfect, he’d made mistakes and he was trying to correct them. He closed by saying that Jonah was his child and that he loved him. He asked for respect for his privacy, but he knew he wasn’t going to get that. So we decided to get the hell out of town while the getting was good.
Of course Rachel and JC both felt the need to chime in with their two cents. Questioning the real motives behind Justin’s sudden attempt to do the right thing. I know that Rachel is only looking out for me, trying to make sure that I don’t let emotion cloud my common sense for the umpteenth time.
JC on the other hand, has more selfish intentions. As long as Justin was acting a fool, that left the door wide open for him. The possibility of Justin being for real would close up some of the spaces that JC used to be able to occupy.
JC must have called me about twenty times in the last week, trying to give me a detailed analysis of all the reasons why Justin was not to be trusted under any circumstances. But I took the coward’s way out by leaving town without responding to any of his voice mails. I can only deal with one dysfunctional relationship at a time.
I’m shaken out of my thoughts when Justin reaches across the seat and squeezes my hand. "My family is going to love you."
Sometimes it’s like he can read my mind. "How do you know that?"
"What’s not to love?" His words are followed by a sly little wink. Before I met Justin, I thought winking was something dirty old men did. Something lame and cheesy. But when Justin does it, it’s like he’s sharing a secret with you.
"You already know that Mama and Paul like you. My brothers will probably have crushes on you before the week is out. And my grandpa will tell you all of his best corny jokes."
I run through what he said in my mind and it occurs to me that there was a glaring omission on that list of all the familial love I’m supposed to be getting. "What about your grandmother?"
"Huh?" Justin gets that shifty look in his eyes and I know he’s stalling and dodging.
"Why is it that you turn deaf when I try to ask you about something important? You didn’t say anything about your grandmother."
"Grandma is a little bit harder to read. To be honest, she’s still keeping the dream alive for me and Britney to get back together."
"Did the marriage and baby pass her by?"
"She chooses to ignore things that don’t agree with her vision of a happy reunion. She might not be all that friendly at first. But I know that she’ll warm up to you. Eventually."
"You couldn’t have told me this before we left Atlanta?"
"What was I supposed to say? Come to Tennessee with me Kayla. My grandmother is probably going to hate you, but other than that, it’ll be great. If I’d said anything like that you would have refused to come."
"Exactly my point."
"I wouldn’t have brought you out here if I didn’t think it was going to go well. I wouldn’t do that to you."
"Whatever. I’m not even worried about your grandmother. I’m more concerned about being attacked by a roaming clan of hillbillies."
"Cut that out."
"I’m telling you up front if I see a toothless redneck picking a banjo, I’m grabbing my kid and making tracks. You’re on your own."
"Now you know that if you see a toothless redneck with a banjo, that’s just my cousin Jethro."
"You’re ridiculous."
"Everything will be okay. I swear." The corner of Justin’s mouth ticks up into a half smile. "Did you call me a country rat?"
"Just caught that? You must be getting slow in your old age."
"Do you really want to bring up age? You’re older than me."
"But I don’t look it. You on the other hand, are starting to look kind of run through."
The smile slips away from Justin’s face. "My grandfather says that ugly on the inside will eventually show itself on the outside. I guess my dirt is finally catching up with me."
"Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re still halfway, kind of cute."
Justin’s smile comes bounding back full force. "I knew you still wanted me."
I roll my eyes and turn my gaze back to the window. "Are you sure that your mom won’t mind us showing up so late? Maybe we should have stopped at a hotel and started fresh in the morning."
"Stop stalling. My mother has gotten used to me showing up all times of the day and night. Besides, she knows that we’re coming."
"Okay."
"We’ve still got a little way to go. Why don’t you take a nap?"
"I’m not sleepy."
"You can rest your head on my shoulder."
"Is that supposed to be some kind of treat? You need to get over yourself."
"I was just kidding."
"Sure you were." I lean my head back against the seat and let my eyes drift shut. I’m not sleeping. Just resting my eyes.
Eventually my eyes must have drifted shut and stayed shut, because the next thing I know the car has come to a stop and I can feel Justin gently shaking my arm to wake me up. And damned if I didn’t end up with my head on his bony shoulder.
We’re parked in front of a beautiful two story house. The door swings open and Lynn comes out to greet us, with Paul following closely behind her.
Lynn opens the backdoor and reaches in to take Jonah out of his car seat. "Is that my favorite little man?"
"Of course it’s me, mama."
Lynn glares at Justin. "Boy, you know good and well that I’m not talking to you."
All the commotion wakes Jonah up and he looks around, rubbing his eyes. "Grandma?"
"Hey sweetie." Jonah kisses Lynn’s cheek then promptly puts his head on her shoulder and goes right back to sleep. She comes over and gives me a one armed hug. "Do you mind if I tuck him in?"
"Of course not." I hand her Jonah’s bag and she carries him into the house.
"I’ve been upstaged by my own kid. Now who’s gonna kiss me goodnight and tuck me in?" Justin turns to his stepfather. "Paul? What do you say?"
"Not a chance, Justin." Paul and Justin hug each other and then Justin introduces me.
"It’s nice to finally meet you in person Kayla." I offer my hand to Paul, but he pulls me into a friendly hug instead. This certainly is a touchy feely bunch.
"It’s nice to meet you too, Mr. Harless."
"Please call me Paul."
"Thanks for letting us stay here for a little while."
"You don’t have to thank me for that. You and Jonah are family. You’re always welcome. I know you must be tired. Why don’t you come on in and get some rest? We can talk in the morning."
Paul takes my bag and leads me inside. The house is beautiful, of course. It’s huge, but still manages to seem cozy. It feels lived in the way that a real home should.
We get upstairs just in time to see Lynn easing her way out of one of the rooms. She puts her finger to her lips, indicating for us to be quiet. She speaks to us in a hushed tone. "Jonah went right to sleep, just like a little angel."
Justin lets out a sarcastic laugh. "He ought to be tired. He wore us out on the way here. Fussed the whole way."
"No offense, but I wouldn’t want to be stuck in a car with the two of you for eight hours either." Justin looks like he’s about to say something, but Lynn silences him with just a look.
"Kayla, you’ll be in here." She indicates the room next door to the one where Jonah is sleeping. "And Justin’s going to be in the room across the hall."
Justin and I start to go into our rooms, but Lynn clears her throat. "I just thought that you should know that Paul and I will be right down the hall."
"Okay."
"The floorboards in the hallway creak. Loudly."
"Alright." I’m still not completely sure of what she’s trying to say, but Justin rolls his eyes and fills in the blanks.
"What my mother is trying to tell you is that if either of us tries to get up in the middle of the night and creep into the other’s room, she’ll know."
"Oh no. There’s not going to be any of that going on. I will not be going into Justin’s room for anything."
"And if I try to go into Kayla’s room she’ll kill me. So you don’t have anything to worry about mama."
"If you say so. Y’all are grown and I’m not trying to get in your business, but in my opinion the two of you need to keep your hands to yourself."
"That’s what we’ve been doing.
"You’re on shaky ground as it is and I would hate to see you ruin any progress you’ve made for a few minutes of gratification."
"We get your point mama."
"Common sense goes right out the window when sex is involved. Especially if it’s good sex. Trust me because I’ve been there."
Justin turns ten different shades of red and all of a sudden he looks about twelve years old. "Ugh, mama. Please. Don’t say another word."
"Fine. I won’t say anything else." Paul clears his throat to get Lynn’s attention, but she doesn’t pay him any mind. "Kayla, your door has a lock on it. My suggestion is that you use it."
Finally, Paul grabs Lynn by the arm and starts trying to steer her down the hallway. "Say goodnight, Lynn."
"Goodnight." Paul and Lynn disappear into their bedroom and close the door behind them.
"Can you believe that? My own mother doesn’t trust me."
I give him a fake sympathetic look. "That’s only because she knows you."
"Ha." Justin throws his bag into his room and leans against the doorway. "I don’t know about you, but I think I’m too traumatized to sleep. Want to go downstairs and raid the fridge?"
"How can you eat so much? Where does it go?"
Justin grins at me and hitches up his baggy pants. "I think you know where it goes."
"Now that you mention it, I think you’re starting to develop a gut."
"That will never happen."
"How can you be so sure about that?"
"Good genes run in my family. My grandfather is in great shape. And he still has all his hair. You know what that means?"
"Please enlighten me."
"This package right here," Justin says as he thumps his own chest, "is guaranteed to stay exactly the way it is for at least the next fifty years."
"I think I’m going to cry."
"Why?"
"Just the thought of having to look at you for the next fifty years is bringing a tear to my eye."
"You’re on a roll tonight. Do you want to go to the kitchen or not?"
"Not. I just need to get some rest."
"I understand." Justin crosses the hallway. "Thanks for coming here with me." He approaches me with open arms, but I put my hands against his chest to halt him in his tracks.
"I would have come sooner if I’d ever been invited or if anyone in your family actually knew that I existed."
"I suppose it would be pointless for me to apologize again."
"Pretty much. But that’s okay."
"No, it’s not."
"Let’s not do this tonight, Justin. I’m really not interested in another one of your guilt filled apologies. I’m sure it makes you feel better, but it doesn’t do anything for me."
"I don’t apologize to make myself feel better. I apologize because I don’t know what else to do."
"I’m not looking for you to do anything other than be yourself. Just stop trying so hard. You do you and I’ll do me and hopefully that will be good enough for both of us."
Justin nods his head. "I guess I am trying too hard. Not being a jackass is a lot more work than I thought it would be."
"Oh, wait. This is what you’re like when you’re not being a jackass? I’m glad you said something or else I might not have known the difference."
Justin grins at me and shakes his head. "I’m not even going to respond to that."
"That’s probably for the best."
"Goodnight, Kayla."
"Goodnight." I watch Justin until he disappears around the corner, then I go into my room so that I can unpack and get ready for bed. I lay awake for a few hours, wondering about what the next day will bring. Worrying about how well I’ll be able to get along with the rest of Justin’s family. I toss and turn for a little while, but eventually fatigue catches up to me and I drift off to sleep.
******************************************************************************
I’m pulled out of my slumber by the feeling of Jonah jumping up and down on my stomach. "Wake up, mama."
I crack my eyes open only to find Justin sitting on the foot of the bed. Lynn was right. I definitely should have used the lock on my door. "I might have known that you were behind this."
"I’m just an innocent bystander. He woke me up the same way."
"I’m sure."
"You got to get up, mama." Jonah grabs my arms and I let him pull me into a sitting position. "Grandma made breakfast."
"Alright. I’m coming." I shoo Justin and Jonah out of the room, so that I can get dressed. When I get downstairs, Jonah has already finished eating his oatmeal and he’s in the living room talking Paul’s ear off.
Justin and Lynn are in the kitchen waiting for me. When I sit down, Lynn puts a plate of pancakes in front of me and pours me a cup of coffee.
"Did you sleep well, Kayla?"
"Yes. Thank you."
"Good, because we’ve got a full day. My parents are coming over and Randy and Lisa are bringing the boys."
"Are Jonathan and Steven spending the night?" Justin asks this question around a mouth full of bacon.
"Yeah. Your grandad is taking them fishing tomorrow and they need to get an early start. It’s just easier if they sleep over here."
"So that’s why I got bumped out of the basement."
I guess Lynn can tell by the confused look on my face that this entire conversation is going over my head. "Justin usually sleeps in the basement when he comes to visit, but when the boys are spending the night, Justin sleeps in one of the rooms upstairs."
"Do Justin’s brothers spend the night over here often?"
"Every now and then. It’s no big deal." Lynn sits down at the table to join us. "Justin when you get through eating I need you to go to the store with Paul and help him pick up some stuff for the cook out."
"Okay." Justin finishes off the food on his plate and then starts working on mine. "Kayla, do you want to ride into town with us?"
I open my mouth, but Lynn speaks up before I can answer. "Kayla can’t go with you. I need her to help me out around the house today."
"Help you out with what?"
"We’re having company and the place needs a little straightening up."
"She’s a guest, ma. Not the maid."
"Are you getting smart with me, Justin?"
"No. It’s just that the house looks fine to me. I don’t know what you need Kayla hanging around here for."
"Because I said so." Lynn stares at Justin. "Is that a good enough answer?"
"Good enough for me." Justin stuffs down the rest of his breakfast and hightails it out of the kitchen.
When I finish eating, I get up to start loading the dishwasher, but Lynn stops me. "I’ll get the dishes, Kayla."
"Okay. Is there something else that you wanted me to do?"
"You don’t need to do anything."
"I thought you wanted me to help you clean up."
"You’re a guest. I wouldn’t ask you to clean my house. I just said that for Justin’s benefit, so you’d have an excuse for not going to the store with him and Paul."
"Why?"
"You don’t need to stay stuck up under Justin. I know my son, the less of your time he has, the better. Give him an opportunity to miss you a little bit."
If Lynn hadn’t said anything I would have agreed to go the store with Justin and Paul without even thinking about it. I would have gone simply because Justin asked me to. But making myself too available to Justin has always been a big problem for me.
"I don’t want you to think that I’m trying to meddle. It’s just that I know what it’s like to have a hard time keeping your distance from someone you love. You know that you don’t need to be around them, but sometimes you just can’t help yourself. Like I said, I’ve been there."
I’m beginning to think that Lynn and I have a lot more in common than I would have thought.
Jonah and I spent the rest of the morning hanging out with Lynn. She gave us a tour around the property and then she pulled out all of her photo albums. Jonah got a big kick out of seeing Justin’s baby pictures. He had a hard time believing that his father was ever that small. Justin got back just in time enough to stop his mother from telling me about his beauty pageant days, but she assures me that she’ll show me those pictures when Justin’s not around.
******************************************************************************
I’m doing my best to hide it, but I’m a nervous wreck. The rest of the family should be arriving any minute now and my stomach is doing back flips. Despite Justin’s assurances that we will be warmly received, I can only imagine what these people must be thinking about me, Jonah and this whole situation.
I’m seriously thinking about playing sick just so that I don’t have to meet these people. But I hear a car pulling up outside and I realize that it’s too late to get out of it now. Paul scoops up Jonah and carries him outside to greet the new arrivals. Lynn motions for me to follow her out into the yard, but it feels like my feet are stuck to the ground. I take a deep breath and try to shake off my apprehension, but my feelings must be easy to read because Justin appears at my side and takes my hand into his.
"I don’t need you to hold my hand, Justin."
"I’m sure that you don’t." Justin holds my gaze and there is more understanding in his eyes than I’ve ever seen there before. He doesn’t let me go and I don’t pull away. Instead, we walk outside, hand in hand.
The first people to arrive are Randy and Lisa. While Justin makes the introductions, I find myself looking for the resemblance between Justin, his father and his brothers, but there really isn’t one. Jonathan looks a lot like Randy and Steven looks exactly like his mother, Lisa. Both boys have brown eyes and straight dark blonde hair.
You can just look at Steven and tell that he’s a little handful. He’s like a ball of energy. Jonathan is almost the exact opposite. He seems quiet and more reserved. He’s also got that sullen teenager pose down pat, but both boys greet me politely when introduced.
While we’re all standing around outside making polite conversation, a blue pick up truck pulls up. This is what I’ve been dreading the most. Meeting the grandparents. I feel somewhat comforted though once they get out of the truck and start making their way across the yard. They look like the kind of sweet, white haired grandparents that you see on tv. The ones that always seem to have lollipops in their pockets. Maybe this won’t be so bad after all.
Justin introduces me to his grandfather first. "Kayla, this is my grandfather."
"Hello, Mr. Bomar. Nice to meet you."
He gives me an open friendly smile and the knot in my stomach starts to loosen. "It’s nice to meet you too, but please call me William. And this is my wife Sadie."
I extend my hand toward Justin’s grandmother and she gives me a rather limp handshake. Then she looks me up and down, like I’m something unpleasant that got dragged into the yard on the bottom of someone’s shoe. "Hmm. So, you’re Kayla."
"Yes, ma’am. Justin’s told me so much about you."
"I wish that I could say the same about you." It’s about seventy degrees around here, but I think I just caught a chill.
I do believe that the family love train just came to a screeching halt.
******************************************************************************
All the menfolk have gathered outside under the pretense of tending to the grill, but really it’s just an excuse to drink beer and talk sports. Seriously, how many of them could it possibly take to poke a piece of meat with a fork?
I would rather be out there, because I feel completely useless in the kitchen. Apparently my reputation as an awful cook has preceded me and the only contribution I’m allowed to make is shredding cabbage for the cole slaw. Boring, monotonous work and I’ve already damn near shredded my knuckles.
I’ve been stuck in here with Lynn, Lisa and Grandma Bomar for what seems like hours. Lynn and Lisa have been chattering on in a friendly manner, but Grandma hasn’t spoken a word to me since she none too politely informed me to address her as Mrs. Bomar. She won’t talk to me, but she keeps looking at me out the corner of her eye like she thinks I might try to steal some silverware.
Let me start by saying that I would never be rude to anyone’s grandmother, but if she keeps giving me that look, it’s gonna be on.
Lynn shoves a tray of rolls into the oven then announces that she and Lisa are going outside to see what their husbands are up to. I have to stop myself from begging to go with them. I’ve been getting a bad vibe from Mrs. Bomar all day and I don’t want to be left alone with her. But I don’t say anything. The screen door bangs shut behind Lynn and the room is filled with silence.
"Kayla," her voice startles me and I jump a little bit, "Would you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Of course not Mrs. Bomar."
"How exactly did you meet Justin?"
Her question catches me off guard. "Excuse me?"
"We’ve had to process a lot of information in a very short amount of time and the details I’ve gotten from Justin have been limited to say the least. I was just wondering how you two met."
I can tell that this is about to be some bullshit, but still I put on my sweetest smile and answer her. "We met in a club."
"I see." Never before have I heard so much disapproval in just two words. "So you met him in a nightclub." She says nightclub like it’s a dirty word. "Then what?"
I am not about to tell this woman that I went to Justin’s hotel room on the first night that I met him. She’s already looking at me like I’m the whore of Babylon. I know that Justin and I didn’t really do anything that night, but I can tell that she would not believe that. Hell, I wouldn’t believe it either.
"We talked for a little while and then he asked for my phone number."
She just gives me a look like she wants me to go on, so I do. "A few months after we met, he came to visit me in Atlanta and we started going out."
"And you didn’t know that he already had a girlfriend?"
"Of course not."
"I find that hard to believe."
"Excuse me?" I’m feigning ignorance in an attempt to keep the peace, but I think I know exactly where this conversation is headed.
"Justin and Britney were all over the place with each other. Everybody knew that they were together."
"Justin told me that he and Britney were just friends. I never would have started seeing him if I had known that he was in a serious relationship with someone else."
"A man will say anything if he thinks it will help him get what he wants. It’s up to the woman, especially if she’s older and more experienced, to have a little common sense and exercise some control over things."
"You already said yourself that there’s a lot that you don’t know about my relationship with Justin. He pursued me. Not the other way around."
She squints her eyes and stares at me like she’s looking through me. "All the pursuing in the world doesn’t mean anything if you don’t want to get caught."
This old woman is tripping. "What is that supposed to mean?"
"Justin was just a boy when the two of you met. I find it hard to believe that he was the real aggressor in that situation."
Grandma Bomar is living in denial. Justin was not some innocent schoolboy when we met. He was a seasoned player with more lies than you could shake a stick at. I was the naive one, not him. But I know that it would be a waste of breath to tell her that.
"With all due respect, Mrs. Bomar, I’m not going to have this discussion with you. If you have any more questions, you need to address them to Justin."
I drop what I’m doing and leave the kitchen before she gets a chance to say anything else and before I go off on the old broad.
I can’t believe that she came at me like that. I squash my first instinct, which is to grab Jonah, pack our bags and get the hell on. But Jonah is having such a good time here. This is the first family gathering that he’s ever been to because I don’t have any family for him to be around. I don’t want to ruin this for him because of my hurt feelings. I’ll just have to do my best to avoid that cantankerous old woman for the rest of this trip.
I wander around the house for a little while before making my way out to the living room. I find Jonathan sitting on the floor in front of the tv with an xbox controller in his hand.
He briefly glances over at me when I sit down beside him. "Hey."
"Hey." He acknowledges my greeting before turning his eyes back to his game. He seems like a sweet kid, just kind of shy. I haven’t heard him say more than two words all afternoon.
"Mind if I play?"
He seems genuinely surprised. "You want to play Madden with me?"
I need something to take my mind off of things and help me calm down. "Sure. Why not?"
He shrugs his shoulders and passes me the other controller. "I don’t know. It’s just that Cameron never wanted to hang out when she came to visit. When she wasn’t stuck to Justin, she was on her Sidekick texting people. She barely even spoke to me and Steven."
"Well, I’m not Cameron. Prepare to get your butt whooped." Jonathan smiles at me and for the first time I can really see the resemblance between him and Justin. That dazzling smile must be a trademark among the men in this family.
My time with Jonathan passes quickly and the next thing I know, Lynn is coming in to let us know that dinner is ready.
There are picnic tables and benches in the backyard and that’s where we’re going to eat. Lynn stands at the head of the table telling people where to sit. She puts me in between Justin and Steven, but Jonathan makes Steven scoot over so that he can sit next to me. Justin leans toward me and whispers in my ear. "I think somebody likes you."
"Shut up." When I turn to look at Jonathan, I find him staring at me with the goofiest look on his face. Oh boy. The last thing I need is another Timberlake following me around. But still, it’s kind of sweet.
After dinner, Jonathan, Steven, and Jonah go into the house to watch tv, while the adults sit around the table talking and watching the sunset.
The one thing that amazes me is how well Lynn and Randy get along. They’re laughing and talking like old friends and I wonder if Justin and I will ever be able to do that. I wonder if we will ever be able to just be around each other with no tension and no underlying agendas. Just able to enjoy each other’s company for what it’s worth.
Everything seems so peaceful right now. Everyone is carrying on their own little conversations when Mrs. Bomar decides to start some more stuff.
"I was talking to Britney the other day." She says this and lets it hang in the air for a minute. "She asked about you, Justin."
"Really?" Justin tries not to let his disinterest show.
"Yeah. I feel for the poor girl, she’s been through so much lately. And then this whole situation with you has really thrown her for a loop."
"Mama, now is not the time." Lynn tries to quiet her mother down, but to no avail.
"I’m just saying that Britney has had a hard couple of months and I think that it would be nice if Justin gave her a call. Just to say hello and maybe explain himself a little bit."
Justin’s face is getting tighter with every word that comes out of his grandmother’s mouth. "Grandma, I don’t really see how I owe Britney an explanation about anything."
"I think that you do. Jonah is four years old. A little simple math makes it obvious that the child was conceived while you and Britney were still together. Don’t you think that you need to talk to her about that?"
Granny is bold as brass. Now I know where Justin gets it from. Dead silence settles in over the entire table because nobody knows what to say behind a statement like that.
After several uncomfortable seconds, William puts his hand on her shoulder. "Sadie, it’s getting late. I think we need to be getting home." He stands up and takes her by the hand.
She lets out a weary sigh. "I suppose you’re right, we should be getting on." She tosses me one more disdainful look before saying her goodnights to everybody else at the table and leaving.
The tranquil atmosphere that everyone was enjoying seems to have disappeared. Randy and Lisa decide to call it a night and I slip away from the table to go inside to get Jonah ready for bed.
After I get Jonah settled down for the night, I make my way outside and sit down on the porch swing. I need to get some air and try to clear my head. Mrs. Bomar was rude as hell, but she definitely gave me a lot to think about. As harsh as it was to hear, she only spoke the truth. It may have been her own heavily biased version of the truth, but still.
I may not have known about Britney in the beginning, but even after I found out that her and Justin were really together, I slept with him again anyway. It has finally dawned on me that I was just as wrong and trifling as Justin was in that situation.
I need time alone to think this through, but the solitude I’m seeking is interrupted. I’m not outside for more than five minutes before Justin appears from out of nowhere and sits down beside me.
"I suppose that it would be of absolutely no consolation to remind you that my grandmother didn’t like Cameron either."
"Cameron is certifiable. As far as I can tell, nobody in your family really liked her."
"She’ll come around."
"She’s made up her mind that I’m some witchy older woman that tricked her naive young grandson into bed and broke up his fairytale relationship. I don’t think she’ll come around from that."
"I really didn’t know that she would be that bad. I’ll talk to her tomorrow."
"You don’t have to do that. I don’t want to cause any trouble between you and your family."
"There won’t be any trouble. I’ll just try to explain things to her. You didn’t break up my relationship with Britney. Britney and I did a fine job of that all by ourselves. I’ll just have to make my grandmother understand that."
When I don’t respond to this, Justin slides down a little bit. Inching his way closer to me. "I hope my grandmother hasn’t ruined the whole trip for you."
"No, she hasn’t. Jonah loves it here. So if he’s happy, I’m happy. For the most part, you’ve got a really nice family. I like them."
"They like you too. Especially Jonathan. As soon as you went in the house to see about Jonah, he came outside and started bending my ear about you."
"He did not."
"Yes, he did. You should have heard him." Justin puts on a nearly perfect imitation of Jonathan’s voice. "Kayla’s so pretty, Kayla’s so funny. Kayla is the coolest girl ever."
"Are you making this up?"
"Absolutely not. He went on at great length about how much he liked you." Justin’s voice has dropped to a whisper and he’s sitting so close to me now that I could probably hear his heart beat if I listened closely enough.
"The entire time that Jonathan was sitting there talking about you, I just felt like the biggest idiot in the world."
"Why?"
"Because my fifteen year old brother figured out in one afternoon, what it took me six years to really see. You are pretty and funny and cool. You’re also smart and kind. And you have a capacity for love and forgiveness that I’ve never found in anyone else."
Experience tells me that this is just a line. Justin’s latest well put together speech. Specifically designed to tug on my heartstrings and worm himself back into my good graces. I stand up and step to the edge of the porch in order to create some distance between us.
"Justin, what do you hope to accomplish by telling me this?"
"Nothing. For once I’m honestly not trying anything. I just want you to know how I feel about you."
"There was a time when I would have loved to hear everything that you just said. It would have meant the world to me. But that time is long gone."
Justin stands and moves closer to me. He leans against the railing of the porch and the moonlight catches his eyes, giving them an almost silver color.
"I know that everything I’m saying and doing probably falls under the category of too little, too late. But I can’t fix our yesterdays, Kayla. All I can do is work on tomorrow."
Justin is looking at me and I can feel myself leaning towards him. It’s almost like one magnet pulling against another. Justin is doing that guy thing, letting his gaze move back and forth from my eyes to my mouth. Our lips are less than an inch apart, when my senses snap into place. I may be dumb, but I’m not crazy.
I straighten up and back away from Justin. I can’t believe how close I came to kissing him. To his credit, Justin looks just as surprised as I feel. He slides off of the porch railing and goes towards the front door.
"I think I should go to bed now. My grandfather talked me and Jonah into going fishing tomorrow. I need to get some sleep because we’re gonna get an early start. I don’t have to tell you how hard it is to get me out of bed in the morning."
"No, you don’t."
"So, yeah. I’m gonna go." Justin leans forward and gives me a chaste kiss on the forehead. "You coming in now?"
"No. I think I need to stay out here for a little while."
"Alright. Jonah and I will probably be gone by the time you wake up in the morning, so I guess I’ll see you, when I see you."
"Yeah. Goodnight, Justin."
"Goodnight."
Once Justin disappears into the house, I sit back down on the porch swing. My mind is going in about fifty different directions right now. Is it really impossible for me to be around Justin and not feel anything for him? I know that we can’t keep doing the same back and forth thing that we’ve been doing, but I don’t know what else to do. Justin and I don’t know how to behave normally around each other. We never have. We used to only have two speeds, stop and go. Now we’ve added idling and it’s not any better than the other two.
What I need is some insight. I need some advice.
And I think I know exactly who I need to talk to.
******************************************************************************
Justin was right, by the time I woke up this morning everyone was gone fishing except for Lynn. Now that I’ve got her alone, I figure this is as good a time as any to talk to her.
She’s sitting outside on the back porch, when I approach her. "Can I talk to you for a second?"
"Of course, honey." She pats the seat beside her, giving me an invitation to sit.
"I want to ask you something. If you think it’s too personal, just tell me that it’s none of my business."
"Well, what is it?"
"Yesterday, I couldn’t help but notice the way you are around Justin’s father. You two get along almost like brother and sister. You’re friends with his wife and his kids have sleep overs at your house. Justin had told me before that you and his father didn’t have a very good relationship when you were together."
"That’s true."
"How did you get back to a good place with him?"
"It wasn’t a matter of getting back to a good place. There wasn’t a good place to go back to. Randy lied to me and I believed him. He cheated on me and I took him back. Many, many times. He actually cheated on me before we got married and I was dumb enough to marry him anyway. I can’t say that we never had any good times together, because we did. But the bad heavily outweighed the good. So, it wasn’t about moving backwards. It’s all about going forward."
"How did you do that?"
"Well, first of all we had to make a clean break. A real clean break. We broke up and got back together more times than I could count. We were always pretending that we were done with each other, but if we were in the same room for more than ten minutes, we would just end up right back where we started."
That sounds painfully familiar.
"Eventually what I had to do was cut off all communication with Randy. I told him that if he wanted to see Justin he could make arrangements through my parents, but I wasn’t going to talk to him or meet him anywhere or listen to anymore of his apologies. I said that and I stuck to it. I didn’t lay eyes on him for almost a year."
"Wasn’t that hard to do?"
Lynn laughs a little bit and gently rests her hand against my arm. "Of course it was. It was without question, the hardest thing that I’ve ever had to do. But it did both of us a world of good. Randy resisted at first. He tried calling and showing up and writing letters, but I held firm. I didn’t open the door for him. I changed my phone number to something unlisted and letters were burned without being read. When he saw that I meant what I’d said, he stayed away."
Lynn stops talking and it looks like she might cry. But she takes a minute to collect herself and then she continues.
"Eventually I met Paul and he met Lisa, but even after that we still had some rough times. We just had to decide what was the most important thing. And that was Justin. After Jonathan and Steven were born they became a part of that equation. Making sure that Justin had a good relationship with his brothers was more important to us than anything else. That made it possible for us to put all of our petty issues with each other to the side. Once you decide what’s most important and focus on that, everything else just falls away."
"Is it really that easy?"
"Don’t get me wrong. I’m giving you the censored, condensed version. It’s not easy and it takes more patience than you probably think you have. But it does work. If you really want it to."
"Do you think that Justin and I can ever find a place like that?"
"You can, but it won’t be anytime soon."
"Why not?"
"The most important part of this plan is being able to let go and mean it. Neither one of you is there yet. Kayla, what you have to do now is decide what you really want. Do you want to give it another try or do you want to let it go once and for all and move on? If you can’t make a decision and stick to it, you’ll always be exactly where you are."
"I don’t really know where we are. But I do know that it’s not anywhere that I want to be."
"The next best thing to knowing what you want is knowing what you don’t want. Work backwards from there."
"I really appreciate you talking to me. I know that it can’t be easy for you to give me advice about my relationship with Justin. Especially unbiased advice."
"Justin is my child and I love him more than anything, but I’m not going to take sides on this one. I want what’s best for both of you. I also want what’s best for Jonah."
"Thank you."
"You don’t have to thank me. Anytime you want to talk, just let me know." Lynn pulls me into her arms and gives me a tight hug. For the first time in my life, I get a hint of what it must feel like to have a mother.
Just as Lynn lets me go, William’s truck pulls up into the yard.
Jonah jumps out and runs up to me. "Hey honey, did you have fun today?"
Jonah nods his head causing his curls to bounce all over the place. "Pop-pop taught me how to put a worm on the hook."
Pop-pop is Jonah’s nickname for Justin’s grandfather. I don’t know who decided he should call him that, but they both love it.
"I had to put worms on daddy’s hook too. I think daddy’s scared of worms." Jonah is whispering when he says this, but Justin is close enough to hear him anyway.
"Jojo, I can’t believe you’re over here ratting me out. I thought we were tight." Justin picks Jonah up and starts tickling him until Lynn comes over and takes Jonah out of his arms.
"Don’t blame Jonah. Everybody already knows that you’re scared of worms. And spiders." Lynn walks back up the steps and takes Jonah into the house. Justin follows her, protesting loudly that he’s not afraid of anything.
Lynn gave me a lot to think about. My conversation with her answered some of my questions, but it’s created so many more. I know that what she told me makes a lot of sense. Justin and I do need to make a clean break. Maybe that would be best for both of us. But am I really strong enough to do that? As annoying as he can be, the prospect of having absolutely no contact with Justin for an extended period of time frightens me.
My brain may be ready to let go, but I don’t know how to get the rest of me to let go too.
Temporary Sanity by deebee73
Chapter Fourteen: Temporary Sanity
November - December 2002
Our time in Virginia came to an end when Justin started doing the promotional stuff for Justified. He did the VMA’s in August and things just spiraled out of control from there. Justin unleashed a full scale media assault on the world. There wasn’t a magazine or tv show that he didn’t manage to get his mug on. He would have shown up for the opening of an umbrella if it gave him an opportunity to pimp himself and his cd. All his dreams were coming true and he was having the time of his life. Wish I could say the same for myself.
Justin’s time in Virginia had come to an end, but Jonah and I were still there. Before renting the house in Virginia, Justin had been shacking up with Britney. Now that they were kaput, he needed to buy his own house in Los Angeles. He said that it would be easier for me to just stay where I was until he could buy a new house and get it fixed up for me and Jonah. Mari was also staying in Virginia with me. Justin and I had decided that she would come with us to Los Angeles. She was good with Jonah, loyal, trustworthy and above all else, she knew how to keep a secret.
Mari turned out to be a good person to have around. She could speak and understand much more English than she had originally let on. She just feigned ignorance of the language because she didn’t want to be drawn into any of our arguments. Also, she liked being able to wander around the house cursing Justin out in Portuguese. She used the word "pentelho" a lot. Roughly translated, I’m pretty sure that means "asshole."
But even with Mari there, being in Virginia Beach without Justin was a very lonely time for me and Jonah. Justin would pop in to see us whenever he could, but those visits were few and far between. Most of the time I didn’t even know where he was. I had to get most of my information about what he was up to from US Weekly, and that was hard to do because he would get Mari to do a sweep of the house and toss out any glossy magazines she came across.
Justin did his best to keep me in the dark about where he was, what he was doing and who he was doing it with. But sometimes I still managed to find out things that he didn’t want me to know. There was always some woman that was being declared as Justin’s latest conquest. These rumors would filter in to me from various sources. Be it Entertainment Tonight, Access Hollywood or a random issue of People magazine that I might flip through in the waiting room at Jonah’s pediatrician.
The rumors were running rampant, but Justin had an explanation for everything. Usually an unsolicited explanation. He would do something I like to call preemptive damage control. He had answers for questions that I hadn’t even asked. But you know what they say, a hit dog will holler. And Justin was one mutt that was howling up a storm.
These are just a few of the lines that he hit me with to combat the gossip that was circulating:
"Kay, I did not kiss Janet at Missy Elliot’s birthday party. I was just hanging out with her, but you know how people like to start shit. Nothing happened, I swear. Besides, she’s too damned old for me."
"I was not trying to hook up with Alicia. We just met for lunch and talked about working together on something. As a matter of fact, I’m not even sure that she likes men. Keep that on the low."
"Christina? Come on now. We’re thinking about touring together or something. I’ve known mighty mouth for way too long to even think of her like that. I wouldn’t ever try to get with her. For one thing, she kind of scares me. And two, she doesn’t even date white guys."
But this one had to be my all time favorite:
"Kay, I don’t even really know who Alyssa Milano is. I ran into her at some party and she was clinging to me, doing some hardcore flirting. I made it perfectly clear to her that I wasn’t interested. I can’t help it if she keeps showing up wherever I go. I think she might be stalking me."
And in case you’re wondering, he did say all that mess with a straight face.
Not that it really mattered. I had adopted a very strict "If I didn’t see it, it didn’t happen," policy. I didn’t want to know what he was up to, so I believed every lie he told without question. Not because they were particularly convincing lies; I believed him because I wanted to.
We had the perfect little set up going on. Justin liked lying and I liked being lied to. It was working out just fine, until Justin broke the unspoken rule that he and I had.
He let me catch him in the act.
******************************************************************************
Justin purchased a house in September and told me to give him a little while to get it fixed up and furnished. Justin is a neat freak with very specific tastes, so I knew that it would take some time for him to get the house the way that he wanted it, therefore I tried to be patient. But by the time November rolled around, I had run out of patience.
When Justin popped in for one of his random visits, I told him that Jonah and I were coming to Los Angeles on the very next plane or we would be moving back to Atlanta. My ultimatum seemed to light a fire under him. He told me that he just needed another week to finish getting everything in order.
The plan was for Mari to go to Los Angeles ahead of me, so that she could get familiar with the layout of the house and give Justin a hand putting the finishing touches on Jonah’s nursery. In the meantime, Jonah and I were supposed to spend a week visiting Rachel. Justin promised that if I just gave him that week, then everything would be okay.
My visit with Rachel didn’t go as well as I would have hoped. Our relationship had been strained since I had agreed to live with Justin. Rachel thought that I was wasting my life away with him and she didn’t bite her tongue about saying so. She started lecturing me the second that she picked me and Jonah up from the airport.
In her opinion, Justin wasn’t ever going to make good on any of the promises he had made to me. She didn’t believe that he had any intention of telling his family or anyone else about me and Jonah. And she said I was delusional if I thought he was ever going to make any kind of real commitment to me. She brought out that old "why should he buy the cow, if the milk is free" argument. As you can well imagine, I was not all that thrilled about being compared to a cow. Needless to say, my visit with her was all downhill from there.
The entire time that I was there all I got from Rachel was one long tirade about how she couldn’t understand the choices I was making for my life. She said she felt like she didn’t know me anymore and she didn’t like the person that I was turning in to.
Everything Rachel said was true, but she was trying to give me a reality check that I wasn’t ready for. After a few days of her trying to convince me to move back to Atlanta and tell Justin to kiss my ass, I couldn’t take anymore. My friendship with Rachel was hanging by a very thin thread and I knew I needed to leave before that thread was severed completely. I decided to go to Los Angeles a few days early.
When Jonah and I landed at LAX, I tried calling Justin’s cell, but I couldn’t get any answer. I couldn’t call the house because the phones had just been installed and I didn’t have the number yet. So I decided to get a cab. Seems like I would have learned my lesson about dropping in on Justin unannounced. But cest la vie.
The security gates were open so the cab drove right up to the front door. The driver helped me unload Jonah and our luggage and then he took off. I gathered Jonah into my arms and approached the front door, but the door swung open before I could ring the bell. And there was Justin, skinning and grinning with a slender dark haired woman.
The woman looked an awful lot like Alyssa Milano, but that couldn’t be, right? Justin had claimed that he didn’t even know her. Stalking him, my ass.
Looking back on it now, the look on Justin’s face when he looked up and saw me was hilarious. It was even better than the "oh shit, I’ve been caught" look he gave me when I first found out about Britney. Naturally, I didn’t see the humor at that moment.
Justin approached me cautiously with his hands held up in a defensive pose. "Kay," he spoke slowly, the way that you would speak to a high strung child, "Just let me explain."
Normally I never would have raised my voice while I had Jonah in my arms, but this was not normal circumstances. I couldn’t stop myself. "What the hell is this, Justin?"
"I swear, it’s not what you think."
Why do people always say that shit? Nine times out of ten, when someone says "it’s not what you think," it’s exactly what you think.
"Well, maybe I’m hallucinating, because what I think is that you and this tired ass trick have been screwing around." I know I shouldn’t have insulted Alyssa. I’m sure that Justin hadn’t told her anything about me or Jonah. My beef wasn’t with her, but I was pissed.
Alyssa tried to take the high road by not addressing me directly. Instead, she directed her question toward the real culprit. "Justin, who is this?"
"Mind your business." He didn’t even spare her a glance. He directed his attention to me instead. "Kayla, just let me get rid of her and I swear I will explain everything."
Alyssa tried to insert herself into the conversation again. "Do not ignore me, Justin. What’s going on here?"
Justin turned his icy blue eyes on her. "This does not concern you." Alyssa started to open her mouth again, but Justin shut her down. "I already told you to mind your fucking business. Don’t make me say it again."
When he said that, Alyssa got a look in her eyes that I can’t even describe. Apparently she was not used to anyone talking to her that way. She started cursing Justin out and swinging on him like he had stolen something from her. That chick was mad as hell. Don’t let the Hollywood pedigree fool you. Alyssa has a lot of New York hoodrat in her.
To put it plainly, Alyssa was beating Justin’s ass. Mostly because he wouldn’t hit her back, but still homegirl was holding her own. I could have watched her whoop on him all afternoon, but Jonah started screaming. He was wailing, crying his eyes out and that brought me back to my senses. I felt horrible because I had become so wrapped up in the drama going on that I had forgotten that I was even holding my son. I might have been content to watch the ridiculous scene that was unfolding, but I certainly didn’t want Jonah to see what was going on.
I left Alyssa and Justin to have it out in the driveway. She could have beat the hell out of him for all that I cared. I took Jonah into the house and I locked the door behind me.
Mari greeted me and took me upstairs to Jonah’s nursery. I got Jonah calmed down and then I took my time getting him settled in. When he drifted off to sleep, I went back downstairs, poured myself a stiff drink and waited. A few minutes later Justin tried to get in the house. When the knob wouldn’t turn he started knocking.
Mari went to let him in, but I stopped her. "Leave him out there."
"But . . ."
"I said leave him out there."
Mari muttered some Portuguese curse word under her breath and beat a path to the kitchen. She knew enough to not to get in the middle of what was about to go down.
I leisurely sipped on my cocktail while Justin’s knocking turned into banging. When I felt like it, I got up and went to the door. I opened the door, just far enough so that I could see him.
Justin pressed himself against the crack I’d made. He was all red in the face and there was sweat beading on his forehead. He huffed and puffed and when he finally caught his breath, he started yelling at me. "What the hell do you mean by locking me out of my own damn house?"
"I know you’re not catching an attitude with me after what I just saw."
When Justin saw that his usual approach of shouting me down wasn’t going to work, he softened his voice. "I didn’t meant to yell at you, baby. If you’ll just let me in, I can explain everything."
"You don’t need to be in here to explain yourself. You can do that from right where you are. You can start by telling me what the hell Alyssa Milano was doing coming out of this house. I thought you said that you didn’t even know her."
"Is that what I said?"
"Don’t play with me, Justin."
Justin was quiet for a minute. I guess he was weighing his options. As a last resort, he decided to tell me the truth. Or at least as much of the truth as he was capable of telling.
"Alyssa started turning up everywhere I went and she was always flirting and grinning in my face. I guess I was flattered by the attention. We’ve just been hanging out a little bit."
"Did you sleep with her?"
"No. Of course not." He had the nerve to sound indignant, as though the idea that he would cheat on me was farfetched and ridiculous.
"I don’t believe you."
"I did not have sex with her. I swear I didn’t do anything to that woman."
Did you catch the wording on that sentence? He may not have done anything to her, but that left the door wide open for what she might have done to him. Justin thought he could run that old semantics, Bill Clinton type bull on me. But I wasn’t having it.
"What did she do to you?"
"Huh?" My question had caught him off guard. Usually there wasn’t any situation that I wouldn’t let him talk himself out of, but I was tired of playing dumb.
"Don’t act like you’re deaf. I think you’re trying to play one of your word games with me, so I’m asking you straight out. Did you have any kind of sex with her?"
"Well. . .kind of."
"Kind of? You are so full of shit." I started to close the door, but Justin stuck his foot out before I could get the door completely closed.
"If you want that foot, you’d better move it."
"Will you just hear me out? I made a mistake and I’m sorry. I was missing you and she came over. One thing just led to another. I didn’t even want her to do it. She begged me."
"Far be it from you to turn down a begging woman."
"She seduced me. She offered me something that I don’t get from you all that often."
How predictable. I was wondering when he would get around to making his infidelity my fault. "I get it now. If I spent more time on my knees, none of this would have ever happened."
"That’s not what I said, Kayla."
"I can’t believe that you’re trying to blame me for the fact that you can’t keep it in your pants."
"I’m not blaming you. I was just confused." Justin was grasping at straws and throwing out every excuse he could think of.
"I’ve heard that confused bullshit before. You’re going to have to do a lot better than that if you don’t want me to let this door close on your foot."
"You wouldn’t."
"You want to try me?"
That was when Justin ran out of patience. "I’m tired of playing with you, Kay."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"It means that this is my house and I don’t intend to spend the night yelling at you from the wrong side of this door. I’m giving you five seconds to move and then I’m going to bust the door down. If you get hurt, it’s your own fault.
Can you believe that fool actually tried to threaten me? That was the last straw. "I’m closing the door now."
"Kayla, if you close this heavy ass door on my foot, you’ll be sorry."
"Move it."
"Make me."
I closed the door with all the force that I could muster. The door was thick and made from solid oak. It had a lot of weight behind it and it slammed on Justin’s foot a lot harder than I thought it would. Justin hadn’t tried to stop me or brace himself because he obviously thought I was bluffing.
By the time that he realized I was serious, it was too late. The door caught him right on his arch. When he tried to twist his foot out of the way, I heard a sickening snap and Justin fell onto the front steps screaming and cursing like nothing I’d ever heard before.
I opened the door and knelt down beside him. "Oh, god. Justin, I am so sorry."
I reached out and tried to help him, but he squirmed out of my reach. "Don’t fucking touch me."
"Justin just let me help you."
"Get away from me."
"Justin, please . . ."
"Just leave me alone." Justin pulled his cell out of his pocket and made a phone call. Mike was there in a few minutes time. He loaded Justin into his Range Rover and they drove off.
Many hours later, Justin came hopping through the door on a pair of crutches. He also had a little bandage on his cheek. I guess Alyssa had drawn some blood after all. Justin wouldn’t even speak to me. He just sat on the sofa and glared. After getting the evil eye from him for almost twenty minutes, I finally broke the silence.
"What did the doctor say?"
Justin took a deep breath and then very calmly said, "The doctor said that my foot is broken."
"I am so sorry."
"You broke my mother fucking foot, Kayla."
"I said I was sorry."
"Sorry doesn’t begin to cover this. Do you have any idea of what you’ve done? Do you know how many appearances I’m going to have to reschedule or cancel altogether? How could you do this to me?"
"I didn’t mean to. How was I supposed to know that it could be that easy to break someone’s foot?"
"You’re a nurse!"
"I’m a nurse, not an orthopedic surgeon."
"Do you realize that you may have ruined my career?"
His whining was erasing any residual feelings of guilt that I had. "Don’t be so melodramatic. I’m sure that you and your precious career can survive a few weeks in a cast. Besides if you really think about it, this is all your fault."
Justin looked at me like I was deranged. "What the fuck are you talking about?"
"If you hadn’t been cheating on me, I wouldn’t have locked you out. If I hadn’t locked you out, you wouldn’t have tried to stick your foot in the door. If you hadn’t stuck your foot in the door, I wouldn’t have slammed the door on you. Like I said, this is your fault."
"Have you lost your damned mind, Kayla?"
"Maybe. Maybe you have finally succeeded in driving me nuts."
"I’m not about to take all the credit for that. You must have had at least one wing over the cuckoo’s nest before I met you."
That’s when I started laughing. To this day, I can’t explain why. Maybe I really was crazy. Or I guess the absurdity of everything had finally sunk in on me. All I know is that I started laughing and I couldn’t stop.
"What the hell are you laughing about?"
I couldn’t even answer him because I was laughing too damn hard. The more I laughed, the less angry Justin looked. He started to look concerned. I think he thought I had really gone over the edge. "What’s wrong with you?"
I was able to choke out a reply in between laughs. "I broke your foot."
"I’m still looking for the funny part."
"I’m not sorry."
"What?"
"I only said that I was sorry because I felt like I should. But I’m not sorry and if I had the chance, I’d do it again. The only thing I’m sorry about is that I only got your foot. I wish I’d broken the whole damn leg."
Justin looked like he didn’t know whether he should curse me out or start trying to limp his way to safety. To my surprise, he didn’t do either. Instead he started laughing too. "You know what?"
"What?"
"I think we’re both crazy as hell."
I think that in that moment we were both crazy. Or maybe that was one brief moment where the insanity lifted and we saw things for the way they really were. We both sat there and laughed until we cried.
Mari poked her head in the door and looked at us. She shook her head, made the sign of the cross in the air, then she backed out of the room.
When the laughter died down, reality started to settle in. I wasn’t even angry anymore. I was just tired. At that point, I just wanted out.
"This whole thing we’ve got going here is a farce. It’s pretty obvious that we don’t belong together. I think that Jonah and I should go back to Atlanta."
"Go back to what in Atlanta? Sharing a cramped apartment with Rachel and her boyfriend?"
"I can find somewhere for Jonah and I to live. The point is that I can’t stay with you."
The seriousness and finality in my voice dried up all of Justin’s sarcasm and amusement. In spite of everything that had happened that day, the thought that I might leave him had never even crossed his mind. "You can’t leave. You can’t take Jonah away from me."
A different kind of woman might have pointed out that he didn’t seem that concerned about Jonah when he was whoring his way from one coast to the other, but I didn’t want to argue with him.
"You can see Jonah as often as you want. We don’t have to be together in order for you to be a good father. The environment that we’re creating isn’t healthy for Jonah. Or us for that matter. I broke your foot. I caused you actual bodily harm. I didn’t mean to do it, but you’ve got to admit that’s messed up."
"I know that. But I also know that we can make this work. I’ll do anything to change your mind. Just tell me what you want."
"You had your opportunity to give me what I wanted and you didn’t. Right now the only thing I want is out of this. . .whatever this thing is that we have. I don’t even know what to call it, because it’s not a relationship."
"Don’t say that. There’s something between us. It’s strong and it’s real. I made a mistake and I’m more sorry than I can say. But you have to know that I love you."
"I’ve tried to believe that you love me, Justin. You know that I’ve tried. I have looked the other way more times than I can count. I tried to pretend that I didn’t know that you were lying and cheating, but I can’t do that anymore. That’s not me. I can’t be the good little woman, stuck at home while you run around the world screwing everything in sight. I can’t be that person for you."
"I haven’t been screwing everything in sight. This is the only time that I’ve been with someone else."
"This is the only time that you’ve been caught red handed."
"I made a mistake. You can’t leave me for one mistake, Kayla."
"Yes, I can. You are completely untrustworthy. I can’t live the rest of my life wondering what you’re doing when I’m not looking at you."
"What if you and Jonah come with me?"
"Come with you where?"
"When I go on the road. I’m going to London in January. You and Jonah could come with me."
I had never seen Justin like that before. It was definitely a role reversal. I was calm and rational, while he was desperately hanging on.
"Justin, suppose that Jonah and I go with you. Suppose that you were a perfect angel the entire time that we were together. Then what?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean eventually Jonah and I would have to come home. We can’t follow you all over the world. Would you start lying and cheating as soon as we were out of your sight?"
"I don’t know." That was the most honest thing he’d ever said to me. "I don’t know what will happen. But can’t we just work through that when we get to it?"
"That’s not good enough, Justin. Not this time."
"Will you at least stay until Christmas? Can you just give me that much time?"
Against my better judgement, I started to feel sorry for Justin. That was the first time I noticed that there was something deeply wrong with him. I didn’t know if it was his relationship with Britney or his daddy issues, but something had screwed him up royally. He never would have admitted it out loud, but he had a fear of abandonment that rivaled mine.
"Jonah and I will be here for Christmas, but that’s it Justin."
Justin released the breath he’d been holding and gave me a grateful smile. "Thank you."
"Whatever." Justin rambled on and on about what a great Christmas it was going to be. He said that he would prove to me that he loved me and that he cared. I tuned out all his yakking and pie in the sky promises.
In my mind, Justin and I were over. It had finally sunk in on me that Justin wasn’t ever going to offer me or Jonah any real sense of stability and commitment. I would give him the Christmas that he wanted, but that was it. I was convinced that there wasn’t a damned thing that Justin could do to get me to hang around one day past December 25th.
But I had greatly underestimated the lengths that Justin would go to, to keep me under his thumb. I thought he had used all his best lines and powers of manipulation, but he had a couple more tricks up his sleeves and they were the best ones yet.
Justin came through on his promise to give me the best Christmas I’d ever had. The gifts he gave me were thoughtful, unexpected, exactly what I wanted and strategically engineered to get me to change my mind about leaving.
Emotional blackmail at it’s finest.
******************************************************************************
As it turned out Justin’s foot wasn’t broken that badly. He didn’t have to cancel nearly as many appearances as he originally thought. He couldn’t do a lot of traveling, but he was able to spend the remainder of November and the beginning of December doing various performances around Los Angeles. He spent the rest of his time at home with me and Jonah.
Every once in a while I would catch Justin on the phone having whispered conversations. Conversations that would come to an abrupt end when he saw me watching him. I figured that he was just up to his old tricks again, but I didn’t care one way or another.
I had talked to Rachel and patched things up with her. She said that Jonah and I could stay with her and Brian until we could find our own place. I was all set and ready to go. My bags were packed and I had my plane tickets. Justin could do whatever he wanted because in my mind, I was already gone.
Justin had already arranged to celebrate an early Christmas with his family in Tennessee. He spent about a week with them, but he was back in Los Angeles by Christmas Eve.
We had dinner together and then we sat down by the tree with Jonah and opened a couple of gifts. Or I guess I should say that we helped Jonah opened gifts. There was a mountain of presents for me, but I wouldn’t touch any of them. As for Justin, there wasn’t a damned thing for him under that tree, because I hadn’t bought him shit. I thought that Justin would have some sort of fit about that, but he really didn’t seem to mind at all.
As a matter of fact, he had been tantrum and attitude free ever since I’d told him I was leaving. That should have been my first clue that he was up to something, but I was too busy counting the minutes until I could officially roll out to concern myself with the inner workings of Justin’s sneaky little mind.
On Christmas morning, Justin got up early and announced that he had a big surprise for me that he had to go and get. All I heard was blah, blah, blah. I didn’t care that he was leaving, I didn’t care about whatever so called surprise he was going to get. I wasn’t even especially concerned about him coming back.
But he did come back. And he wasn’t alone. He had a woman with him.
She was tall and thin, with honey brown skin, glossy black hair and eyes just like mine. My memories of her were confined to a couple of faded photographs, but I knew who she was immediately. I didn’t know how he’d done it, but Justin had found my mother.
I stood frozen to the spot, but she approached me and wrapped me up in her arms. I was so overwhelmed I didn’t know if I wanted to embrace her or push her away. I just stood there with my arms hanging stiffly by my sides. When she let me go, she brushed my hair behind my ears, so that she could get a really good look at my face.
"You’re so beautiful."
I was positively speechless. Christmas had always been a rather lackluster holiday for me. I had no mother, a father that didn’t visit and an aunt that wouldn’t even put up a tree. When I was younger, I spent every Christmas wishing that my mother would walk through the door and I was disappointed every single year. But now I’d gotten that wish and Justin was the one that had made it come true.
I had forgotten that Justin was in the room until he cleared his throat. "I know you two have a lot to talk about, so I’ll just leave you alone." Justin came closer to me, whispered "Merry Christmas," in my ear and then he hobbled his way out of the room.
After all those years of wishing for my mother, now that I actually had her in front of me, I didn’t know what to say. She sat down on the sofa and I sat beside her.
"You must have a lot of questions. I know there’s so much I want to tell you."
I didn’t have a lot of questions. I only had one. I snapped out of my catatonic state and asked her the one question that had been eating away at me for years. "Why? Why did you leave me?"
"I didn’t leave you. I left your father."
"But you left me there with him."
"I wanted to take you with me, but I couldn’t afford to. I didn’t have a job and I didn’t have any skills to get a job. I didn’t want to leave you but I knew that I couldn’t take care of you, so I left you with your father."
"You couldn’t have stayed with my father until you could afford to take me with you?"
"I made a mistake, Kayla. I was young and short sighted. I got mad with your father and made a hasty decision. If I had it to do over, I wouldn’t have left him at all. And I certainly wouldn’t have ever left my baby."
"My father is an asshole. I can understand why you wanted to get away from him. I can even try to understand why you left me behind. But what I can’t understand is why you never came back for me."
"I did come back for you. I got a job and saved up enough money to get a place of my own. I tried to go back and get you, but it was too late."
"What do you mean?"
"Your father had moved and no one would tell me where he had taken you. His family refused to talk to me. I wanted to find you, but I didn’t even know where to start. After a while I stopped looking for you."
"Why?"
"I didn’t know what kind of things your father had probably told you about me. I figured that you might be better off without me."
"I wasn’t better off. I was miserable."
"I was miserable without you too. Not a day went by when I didn’t think about you. I wondered what you looked like and what kind of person you were becoming. I regretted my decision every single day. The only thing that kept me going was the thought that when you got older, you would look for me. I had almost given up hope that I would ever see you again, but then a couple of weeks ago, I got a call from someone that asked me if I had a daughter named Kayla."
"That must have been Justin."
"Yes. I must have asked him a million questions about you. He told me how kind and beautiful you were and what a good mother you’d become. We talked on the phone and then about a week ago, he came to Chicago to talk to me in person. Then we made the arrangements for me to come out here."
My mind was on overload. All I could think about was all the times that I had told Justin about my mother and how much I wanted to see her. I didn’t think he was listening and I didn’t think he cared. But he must have been listening. He used everything I’d ever said to track her down. My details about her were sketchy at best, but he cared enough to piece together enough information to find her.
It would turn out that I wouldn’t be able to maintain much of a relationship with my mother. Too much time had passed for us to have the kind of mother-daughter connection that we should have had. On the surface I had accepted her reasons for leaving me behind, but in my heart, I didn’t believe that anything was a good enough excuse for abandoning your child.
Also, we had some serious arguments about Justin. Whenever I tried to talk to my mother about him and his behavior, she took his side. My mother had developed a very angelic image of Justin. All she knew about him was that he had reunited her with her child. That made him infallible in her book. She thought the best of him because he only ever showed her his good side.
Justin can be very charming when he wants to be. People get so caught up with his baby face, pretty smile and smooth talk that they never notice the cold calculation that sometimes resides in his eyes. They don’t hear the emptiness behind his words. If I didn’t actually know what he was capable of, I wouldn’t believe some of the things he’s done either.
Frankly, I think my mother had a bit of a crush on Justin. At any rate, she wouldn’t hear a bad word about him. No matter what I said, she would give me that old school stand by your man nonsense. I found that to be suspect advice coming from a woman that had run out on her own boyfriend and one year old child. When I pointed out her hypocrisy, we had a big blowout and stopped talking to each other. So far, we’ve both been too stubborn to try and patch things up.
But our falling out was still a little ways down the road.
At that time all I knew was that Justin had given me the one thing I wanted most in the world. He had given me my mother. Of course he waited to find her until he had a situation where he could use it to his advantage, but I didn’t see it that way right then.
My mother and I talked for hours. Apparently she had already fallen under Justin’s spell because her conversation was peppered with high praise of him. In between her telling me about her life, she also took every opportunity to tell me how charming Justin was and how she could tell he loved me by the way he talked about me. I would like to think that Justin would not have been low enough to coach my mother on what to say, but I really wouldn’t put anything past him.
My mother and I talked until we were both exhausted. I insisted that she spend the night at the house instead of going back to the hotel. Mari fixed up a room for her and took her upstairs.
After my mother went to bed, Justin came back to the living room and sat down beside me. "How did it go?"
"It was. . ." I had to stop there because I really didn’t have any words to describe how I felt. "I can’t thank you enough for doing this for me."
"You don’t have to thank me. If it made you happy, that’s all that matters. This is why I asked you to stay with me until Christmas."
"You mean you’ve been planning this all along?"
"Yeah. I knew how much you wanted to see your mother and I also knew that you were scared to look for her on your own. That’s why I did it for you. I want you to know that I’d do anything for you."
I could tell that Justin was about to start bombarding me with more proclamations of everlasting love and I knew that I had been softened up enough to believe them. I needed to remove myself from his presence so that I could think clearly.
"Justin, I need to go to bed. We can talk in the morning." If you think that Justin was about to let me get away that easily, you haven’t been paying attention.
"No. We need to talk right now." Justin slid to the floor and awkwardly arranged himself on one knee.
"Get up from there before you hurt yourself. What are you doing?" I asked the question, but I had a pretty good idea of what he was doing.
"I have one more present for you." Without ever taking his eyes away from mine Justin reached into his pocket and pulled out a little velvet box. A ring box.
"I know that I don’t deserve it, but I hope that you can somehow find it in your heart to forgive me. I know that you love me and you know that I love you. I don’t always do the best job of showing it, but I do love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you."
He popped open the box he was holding and I found myself looking at the most beautiful diamond ring I’d ever seen. It wasn’t flashy or obnoxious because Justin knew that wasn’t my style. But it was flawless and absolutely perfect.
He took the ring out of the box and slipped it on my finger. "Just tell me that you’ll give me another chance to make you happy. Tell me that you still want to be with me."
That was an expertly worded non proposal. Justin and his word games at their very best. Notice how the phrase "marry me" never actually crossed his lips. When we discussed this conversation later (and believe me, we discussed it later), he was honestly able to say that he never actually proposed marriage to me. Boy was slicker than a greased pig.
But what he said and what I heard were two completely different things. I thought he was asking me to marry him. I really should have known better.
I could just tell you what happened next, but let’s try something different. Just for fun.
Pop Quiz
The father of your child is a low down, dirty, lying, cheating, manipulative jackass that wouldn’t know monogamy if it bit him on his narrow white behind. But he pulls a last minute Ebenezer Scrooge type turn around on Christmas Day. He reunites you with a long lost parent and drops to one knee offering up sappy platitudes and the fattest rock you’ve ever seen. Do you:
A. Thank him for the lovely parting gifts, leave him anyway and take that ring to the nearest pawn shop.
B. Thank him for finding your mother, tell him to keep the ring and leave him anyway.
C. Tell him that all is forgiven and hop on a plane to London with him.
If you answered A: You’re one smart cookie. Cash that ring in for all that you can get. He owes you for all the crap you’ve put up with.
If you answered B: You’re a sophisticated woman. While you certainly appreciate what he tried to do, you’ve got the common sense to know that a couple of good deeds can’t make up for a lot of rotten ones.
If you answered C: You’re an idiot. Anything that happens to you after this point is no one’s fault but your own.
Now you tell me. What do you think I did?
Part One: Always on my Mind by deebee73
Chapter Fifteen
Part One: Always on My Mind
September 2006
“Have you been avoiding me?”
Damn. A woman can’t even get an after dinner snack without being crept up on. Since we’ve been out here in the country, Justin has turned into a first class bug-a-boo. Every time I turn around, there he is grinning at me like a lunatic. And to think, there was a time when I would have been in heaven to have Justin’s undivided attention.
Right now, I’m just annoyed.
I close the refrigerator and try to put a smile on my face before I turn around to face him. “No. Of course not.”
Time for some real talk. I have definitely been avoiding Justin, but I’ve got a legitimate reason.
We’ve been in Tennessee for about a month now and I’ve spent the majority of that time trying to decide whether or not to tell Justin that he shouldn’t go back to Atlanta with me and Jonah. Until I can come to some sort of decision, I think my best course of action is to spend as little time with him as possible.
I may not be ready to cut him off completely, but I am well aware of the fact that I don’t need to be alone with him. The night when I almost kissed him, made me realize that.
It’s not easy to duck someone when you’re stuck in the same house with them in the middle of nowhere, but I’ve been managing.
“So, you haven’t been dodging me?”
“Not at all. You’re paranoid.”
Justin raises an eyebrow and purses his lips, but doesn’t have the nerve to come right out and accuse me of lying. “Am I?”
“Yes.”
“Then why does it seem like you’re trying to think of a way to get out of this room right now?”
That’s because I am trying to think of a way to get out of the room. “That’s ridiculous.” I make a move to go around Justin and he blocks me.
“What’s the rush?”
“There isn’t one.” I try to step to the side of him again and he blocks me again.
Justin is trying not to let his impatience show, but he’s doing a horrible job. “Can you stop planning your escape for five seconds and talk to me?”
“What do you want?”
“Since this is our last night here and you haven’t spent more than five minutes alone with me, I was hoping that we could go out tonight. Just me and you.”
“It’s late.”
Justin looks at his watch and then looks at me. “Kay, it’s barely eight o’clock.” He points out the kitchen window. “It’s not even dark yet.”
“But it will be.”
It should be obvious at this point that I simply don’t want to go, but Justin has never known how to take no for an answer. “What if I promise to have you back before the sun sets?”
“Jonah needs his bath.” I make another move for the door, but Justin is a lot quicker than me.
“Mama already helped Jonah take a bath.”
“You know he can’t fall asleep without . . . ”
“Without a story. Yeah, I know. Paul’s reading to him right now.”
“Well I need to pack.”
“I passed by your room earlier today and saw you packing.”
Justin leans back against the counter with a very satisfied look on his face because he knows that he’s blown through every one of my sorry excuses. He’s staring me down while I try in vain to think of some reason why I can’t go out with him. I could just say no. But if I had any luck with just saying no to Justin, I wouldn’t be in this predicament to start with, now would I?
Why is it always so much easier to just give in? “Fine. What do you want to do?”
“We can take my bike out for a ride.”
“I’m not getting on a motorcycle with you.”
“Why not? It’ll be fun.”
“You make me fear for my life in enclosed vehicles.”
“I’m very safe when it comes to my motorcycle. And there’s like, no traffic around here. We’ll be fine.”
“What if I fall off?”
He barely suppresses a laugh. “You’re not going to fall off. All you have to do is hold onto me really tight and follow the movements of my body.” Justin gives me a slick grin and wiggles his eyebrows. “It’s almost like sex.”
“You just lost me. Now I know I’m not doing it.”
“That was probably a bad analogy. But I know that you will love this. I promise to go slow. Please.”
“Okay.”
Obviously he was lying about going slow. There’s no such thing as going slow on a motorcycle. But still, it’s really not that bad. I wrap my arms around his waist and press myself into his back. It’s almost nice to have a legitimate excuse to touch him this way. Almost.
The whole ride is kind of like a metaphor for my entire relationship with Justin. It’s kind of scary, and there’s a good chance that you might get hurt; but once you get on, you don’t want to get off.
I don’t know how long we’ve been riding, but I can see night falling all around us. Finally, we slow to a stop outside of some place called the *Shake Rag Store. There’s a ton of motorcycles parked outside and I can hear loud country music coming from inside.
“You talked me into going for a ride so that you could take me to a redneck biker bar? I’m not stepping a foot in that place.” I take off my helmet and start shaking out my hair.
“I can’t believe I risked my life so you could drag me off to a place like this. I ought to put my foot in your ass.” When I stop ranting and shove my helmet at Justin, I realize that he’s laughing at me.
“This amuses you somehow?”
“Yeah. I like it when you get all feisty and threaten to beat me up. It’s cute.”
“The cute will wear off when you’re picking your teeth up off the ground. Can we go somewhere else?”
“Stop being a snob.”
“I am not a snob. This just doesn’t look like the kind of place where I would be caught dead.”
“I know it looks sketchy from the outside, but I’ve been here before and it’s a really cool place. Everybody minds their own business and you can play pool or dance or whatever.” Justin holds out his hand to me. “Just come on.”
I refuse the offer of his hand but I do follow him. This place is every bit as low rent on the inside as the outside suggested. The decor looks like something out of a low budget 1975 action flick. Flickering neon signs, scratched up bar and surly looking customers included. There’s even sawdust on the floor. What the hell is that for? To soak up blood from the brawls that probably break out on a nightly basis?
The only thing missing is a mechanical bull.
Oops. I spoke too soon. A glance to the left reveals a mechanical bull with an out- of- order sign on it. That settles it. I’m officially in the ninth circle of hell.
Justin leads me over to a table and pulls out a chair for me. I drop down into the hard wooden seat and instantly my ears are assaulted by some bumpkin lamenting the loss of his woman, his truck and his dog.
“Ugh. Is that Garth Brooks?”
“Actually, I believe that’s Tim McGraw.”
“Big difference. This is foul, Justin.”
“Will you stop complaining? I didn’t carry on like this when you dragged me off to Little Five Points to see that Poison cover band.”
I can’t believe he remembers that. Way back when Justin and I first started dating, he came to see me on one of his rare free weekends. He basically wanted to spend forty eight hours in bed, but I begged him to go to the Star Bar with me to see a group called Posin. After clowning me thoroughly for my taste in music, he agreed to go with me. I could tell that he was absolutely miserable, but he never complained once. When we got back to his hotel, he sang Every Rose Has It’s Thorn to me. He’d only ever heard the song once, but he had memorized every single word just so that he could sing it to me.
It’s hard to believe there was a time when he was so sweet. Not that it matters. Those days are long gone.
“Are you sure that was me?”
“No offense, but you’re the only black woman I know that has a closet obsession with eighties hair bands.”
“That doesn’t prove anything.”
Justin leans across the table and stares into my eyes. “It must have been you because I would not have sat through some mess like that for anyone else on the planet. So don’t try to play it off.”
“Fine it was me. But I’m not ashamed. Talk Dirty to Me is poetry set to a rock and roll beat.”
“If you say so.” Justin taps the table with his fingertips and lets his eyes move around the room. He’s looking everywhere but at me. For someone that was so eager to get me alone, he certainly isn’t using the time to his advantage.
I’m staring at a crack in the ceiling when Justin finally decides to say something.
“Are you looking forward to getting back to work?”
“Yeah.” My reply is tinged with hesitation. I am excited, but I’m also nervous. I haven’t had a job in more than four years. When I think about it, it’s hard to believe that it’s been that long.
Before Justin and I left Atlanta, I had my official interview for a job at a small children’s clinic. I’ll only be working three days a week. But I think that’s okay for a start. I don’t want to bite off more than I can chew.
“You know that you don’t have to take this job. I’ll always make sure that you and Jonah have whatever you need.” Justin drops his gaze down to the table. “I know that I let you down when we first broke up, but I hope you know that will never happen again.”
Oh great. Another guilt-filled trip down memory lane. “I don’t want to talk about what happened when we broke up. It was a long time ago and neither one of us was behaving rationally. I trust you to take care of Jonah, but I don’t want to be dependent on you for the rest of my life. I need to have something of my own.”
“I can respect that.”
“I also need to get out of the house. I love talking to Jonah but some days he’s the only person that I talk to. There’s only so many conversations I can have about Sesame Street before I go insane.”
“Hey, hey. Don’t dis Big Bird.”
“I’m not the one that beat up Kermit the Frog on Saturday Night Live.”
“That damn frog provoked me. Everybody knows he had it coming.”
I try to suppress a giggle, but it escapes my mouth anyway. I hate the fact that Justin can make me laugh even when I really don’t want to.
The background conversations of the people around us start to become louder, cluing me into the fact that the dreadful song that was playing has come to an end. “Thank god. I didn’t think that guy was ever going to stop whining.”
Justin digs a couple of quarters out of his pocket and slides them across the table. “Here.”
“What am I supposed to do with this?” A mischievous look dances across Justin’s face. “Whatever you’re thinking about saying, don’t.”
“I was only going to suggest that you go to the jukebox. If you get there before someone else, you can pick a song you might like to hear.”
I wrinkle my nose at the suggestion. “As if there’s anything on there that I’ll like any better.”
“Stop being saddidy and go take a look.” Saddidy? No he did not call me saddidy, with his country ass.
Justin stands up and pulls out my chair. “I’ll grab us some drinks.”
“I’m not getting back on that motorcycle if you get drunk.”
“How irresponsible do you think I am?” I don’t even have to say anything. I just give him a look. “Don’t answer that. I’m not having anything stronger than a Coke.”
“Get me . . .”
Justin cuts me off. “You don’t have to tell me. I got you.”
“Are you sure?”
“I know what you like.” And there he goes again with the winking. I don’t think he knows how not to come onto me. Flirty is just his default mode. I don’t suppose I should hold that against him, but something about the sound of those words coming from his mouth made my stomach jump.
I stand in front of the jukebox and just as I suspected, it’s nothing but country music and southern rock from the seventies. I like all kinds of music, but I draw the line at Lynrd Sknyrd and Conway Twitty.
I’m contemplating my lack of choices when Justin comes up behind me and dangles a bottle of Corona in front of my face. “I’m impressed. I didn’t think a place like this would serve anything other than Pabst Blue Ribbon in a dirty glass.”
Justin leans over my shoulder and I can feel his breath against my ear when he speaks. “You’ve got all kinds of jokes. Have you always been this funny?”
“I’m hilarious. Always have been.” I raise my shoulder in an effort to create a little room between us, but Justin doesn’t budge. “Would you mind getting off my back?”
Without a second of hesitation, Justin straightens up and stands back. “Did you find a song?”
I shake my head. “I don’t see anything on here that won’t make my ears bleed.”
“That’s because you wouldn’t know good music if it bit you on your pretty little ass.” He reaches around me to pluck the quarters out of my hand. “Just go sit down and I’ll pick a song.”
“If you cue up Achy Breaky Heart or some crap like that, I’m walking back to the house.”
“Give me a little credit. I have slightly better taste than that.” A few seconds pass by and then a song starts playing. The scratchy, mournful voice of the singer is evoking heartbreak, regret and love gone wrong with every word that comes through the speakers.
Maybe I didn’t love you, quite as often as I could have
Maybe I didn’t treat you quite as good as I should have
Justin saunters back over to our table and sits down. “Justin, what the hell is this?”
If I made you feel second best, girl I’m sorry I was blind
“This is one of the best love songs ever recorded.”
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
“Why are you torturing me like this? You don’t even like country music.”
“I like country music when I’m in the country.” He looks at me as though what he just said makes perfect sense.
“It’s got plenty of competition, but I think that may be one of the dumbest things you’ve ever said.”
“These are my roots.”
“I always had my suspicions that you were an undercover redneck.”
“Why you always got to be cracking on me, Kay?”
“Because it’s easy and it’s fun.”
“Will you at least listen to the song? I chose it for a reason. A reason that won’t mean anything to you if you don’t listen.”
Maybe I didn’t hold you, all those lonely, lonely times
And I guess I never told you, I’m so happy that you’re mine
I am listening to the song and I know exactly why he chose it. I’m simply trying my best not to care.
Little things I should have said and done, I just never took the time
“This isn’t so bad, is it?”
“What’s not so bad?”
“Being here?” He reaches across the table and gently rests his hand on top of mine. “Being here with me?”
“It’s not the worst time I’ve ever had.”
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
There’s the tiniest glimmer of hope in Justin’s eyes. I don’t want to do anything to encourage it, but I can’t bring myself to totally shut him down either. All I know for sure is that it’s time to bring this night to an end.
“Justin, I think we should be getting back.”
“Are you sure? We just got here.” He looks at me expectantly and I know exactly what he wants. He wants me to tell him that I want to stay. He wants to hang out here, plying me with kind words and soft looks. He wants to laugh and joke and talk and he probably thinks that he’ll even be able to charm me into dancing a time or two.
Tell me, tell me that your sweet love hasn’t died
Give me, give me one more chance to keep you satisfied
I’ll keep you satisfied
It’s a tempting offer, but I’ve been down this road one time too many. It never leads anywhere good. I slip my hand out of his grasp and stand up. “Yeah. I’m sure.”
Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time
He covers his disappointment with the saddest smile I’ve ever seen. “You’re probably right. We’ve got to get up early anyway if we want to beat the traffic on the interstate.”
I should probably take this opportunity to talk to him about us taking a break from one another. I probably should, but I don’t.
We’re halfway out the door when Justin touches my arm, causing me to turn around and look at him. “Before we go, can you at least tell me whether or not you liked the song?”
“It’s a very sweet song, Justin.” A smile starts to spread across his face. “But, it’s just a song.” I’ve never seen a smile die so fast. His hand drops away from me like dead weight.
The ride back to the house is different from the ride away from the house.
I’m still holding on to Justin, but not quite as tightly as before.
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
******************************************************************************
When we get back to the house, Paul is sitting on the sofa with Jonah by his side.
“What’s wrong?”
Paul sits up sleepily. “Jonah woke up a few minutes ago because he had a bad dream. Said he didn’t want to go back to bed until you got home.”
Jonah climbs off the sofa and comes over to take my hand. “Can I sleep with you, mama?”
“Of course you can, honey.” I start to head up the stairs, but Jonah reaches back for Justin’s hand.
“Can daddy come too?” Immediately, Justin looks to me. I sure as hell don’t want to share a bed with Justin, but him and Jonah are both watching me with the same needy expression on their faces.
“Yeah, he can come too.” I take Jonah upstairs and put him in my bed, then Justin and I go to change our clothes. I put on a pair of shorts and a long t shirt and brush my hair back into a ponytail.
Justin comes back wearing a tank top, a pair of boxer shorts and a doo rag. That’s right. This clown is wearing a doo rag. Jonah puts his hand up to his mouth and starts snickering like this is just the funniest thing he’s ever seen. Maybe it is the funniest thing he’s ever seen, cause Justin looks plain ridiculous.
I try to hold my tongue, but I just have to say something. “Justin, why do you have that thing on your head?”
“I’m trying to keep my waves tight.” He says this in all seriousness.
“What waves? Boy, you don’t even have any hair.”
“I do too have hair.” He couldn’t sound more immature if he tried.
“You do not need a doo rag to hold together that thimbleful of naps.”
“Listen woman. I’m trying to preserve my sexy.” I don’t even know if he really understands what Justin is saying, but Jonah literally falls out laughing.
“I’m sorry I said anything. Just get your silly self in this bed, so we can all go to sleep.”
I get on the left side of Jonah and Justin settles down on the right. Jonah gives each of us a kiss on the cheek and snuggles down between us.
Justin and I are lying down face to face, looking into each other’s eyes over Jonah’s head. Or at the very least, Justin is looking into my eyes. I want to roll over, but I’m not going to turn my back to my child. I just close my eyes instead.
I wake up sometime later only to find that Jonah has climbed his way around to the other side of Justin. The bed is plenty big and he’s clinging to the back of Justin’s shirt, so I know there’s no danger of him falling on the floor. What concerns me though, is that he’s no longer providing a much needed buffer zone between Justin and me.
I look at Justin and find myself unable to resist the temptation to smooth the tips of my fingers across the smooth skin of his cheek. He sighs contentedly in his sleep and moves closer to me, slinging his arm across my waist. I know that I should elbow him in the ribs and tell him to back up off of me, but I can’t bring myself to do it. Even in the dim lighting of this room, I can tell that he actually looks peaceful right now.
Justin tries to put on a brave and confident face, but going public about me and Jonah was a huge risk for him and he’s got to be freaking out on the inside. I know that I shouldn’t be concerned about his feelings, but I am. I can’t deprive him of whatever small amount of comfort he’s found in his sleep.
I roll over onto my back and say a silent prayer. A prayer for strength. A prayer for a little comfort of my own.
I close my eyes and try to get at least a little sleep. We’ve got a long journey ahead of us.
In more ways than one.
Part Two: Sign Your Name by deebee73
Chapter Fifteen
Part Two: Sign Your Name
September 2006
We’ve only been back in Atlanta for two weeks, but it hasn’t taken Justin and I long time to work out a schedule. On the days that I work, he drops Jonah off at school in the mornings and picks him up in the afternoons. He spends the rest of the afternoon playing with Jonah or helping him with his reading. Then when I get home we have dinner together.
It’s been working out pretty well so far. Justin has been keeping the flirting to a minimum and he’s been trying to keep some boundaries between us. At this point he’s no more annoying than the average roommate.
But I know that this arrangement can’t last forever. Sooner or later we are going to have to have a serious talk about where all this is going. I’m a total punk though, so I’m voting for later.
As soon as I step through the door, I can hear Justin’s voice. “How was work?”
I come into the living room only to find him sprawled out on the sofa with the remote in his hand. His junk is all over the place. Tennis shoes here. Magazines there. What happened to the neat freak that I used to know?
It’s on the tip of my tongue to ask him to get off his behind and clean up his junk, but that would only start a fight. And there’s no need for that. We’ll be fighting soon enough when I tell him where I’m going tonight.
“Work was fine. Where’s Jonah?”
“He’s taking a nap. He wasn’t feeling too good when I picked him up from school.”
“Is he okay?”
“Yeah. He’s just got an upset stomach. One of the kids in his class had a birthday party and Jonah filled himself up with cake and ice cream. He was moaning and groaning like you wouldn’t believe.”
“Did you give him something for his stomach?”
“Of course I did.”
“Okay.”
“Since it’s just you and me for dinner, what do you want to have?”
“Actually, it’s just going to be you for dinner. I’m going out tonight.”
Another thing that I’ve avoided discussing with Justin is JC. I finally gave in and called him. At first he was highly pissed that I had ignored all the messages that he left before I went to Tennessee. I talked to him for a little while and he calmed down long enough to invite me to his place for dinner.
Justin puts the remote down and sits up straight. “I know that I acted like an idiot the last time you had a date, but I promise not to do that anymore. You don’t have to hide it from me if you want to go out with someone.”
“It’s not a date. JC wants me to see his new place, so he invited me over for dinner.”
Justin’s face goes slack at the mere mention of JC’s name.
“I need to start getting ready now. I’ll check in on Jonah before I leave.”
“Uh huh.” He isn’t even listening anymore. “Is this like a house warming party or something?” The tone of Justin’s voice lets me know that he’s shifting gears into smart ass mode.
“What?”
“Is JC having a party? Are other people going to be there?”
“Well, no.”
“Are you having take out or is he actually cooking?”
“He mentioned that he was going to cook. But I really don’t know where you’re going with this.”
“Don’t worry. I only have one more question. Did he specifically ask you not to bring Jonah?”
“Well . . . he . . . yes.”
“That’s a date.”
“No, it’s not.”
“Yes it is. That’s a date and you know it. And I can tell you exactly how it’s gonna go down.”
“I don’t have time for this.” I leave the room in an attempt to get away from whatever nonsense Justin is about to come up with, but he follows me.
“When you first get there, the lights will be turned down so low that you’ll need a seeing eye dog to make it from the front door to the sofa.”
“I’m not listening.”
“He’ll have a mix cd playing and I can guarantee you that every single song is going to be about sex. Then he’ll pull out some funky ass French wine and try to get you lit up, so that you’re too drunk to drive home. Then . . .”
“You can stop right there. That is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard and I don’t want to hear anymore. JC invited me over as a friend. This is not a date.”
I head into the bathroom and Justin is right on my heels as though he thinks that he can follow me in there. “You may not think it’s a date, but I’ll bet you anything that JC thinks it’s a date.”
“For the last time, it is not a date. And even if it is . . .”
“I know, even if it is a date, it’s none of my business. I just want to give you one piece of advice and then you won’t hear another peep out of me.”
“What?”
“If he invites you into his bedroom to look at the mirror on the ceiling, run and don’t look back.”
He doesn’t look the slightest bit surprised when I slam the bathroom door in his face.
After checking on Jonah, I had to endure Justin’s unsolicited critique of my outfit before I could get out of the house:
“Is that a dress?”
“Are you sure that’s a dress? Cause it looks like a slip. A really skimpy slip.”
“Don’t you think you’d be more comfortable in a pair of jeans and a sweater? A big, baggy sweater. Maybe one of my sweaters?”
“I’m not being nosy. I just care enough not to let you leave the house looking like a hooker.”
And last, but not least:
“Do you even have a bra on?”
After telling him for the thousandth time to butt out, I left.
******************************************************************************
JC decided not to get the condo that he had originally looked at and bought a penthouse instead. A three thousand square foot penthouse on the top floor of a high rise.
I’m trying not to let any of the stupid things that Justin said get to me, but it’s a long ride up to the twenty seventh floor. The elevator comes to a stop and the doors slide open, depositing me right in front of JC’s place.
I lightly tap on the door and it springs open instantly, as though JC was standing right there waiting for me. He leans forward and kisses my cheek. “You look great, Kayla.”
“So do you.” And he really does. He’s dressed simply in a white button down shirt and a pair of faded blue jeans. His hair is short and kind of messy and he’s even wearing his glasses. But he could not look more incredible at this moment.
My compliment causes a light blush to warm up his cheeks, which only makes him look even more adorable. “Are you going to let me in?”
“Oh right. Sorry.” He smiles and steps back, granting me room to step inside. He hangs back, giving me time to walk around and explore.
JC has sophisticated tastes and everything in here is a reflection of that. The room is done in varying shades of cream and brown; textures spanning the spectrum from silk to leather. The carpeting is plush and deep, the kind that your feet sink right into. There’s paintings and sculptures placed all around the room in a manner that seems haphazard and perfectly planned at the same time. So far, the place looks like something you’d see in Architectural Digest. Yet, it all seems touchable and inviting.
“Everything looks beautiful. You have excellent taste. When do I get the full tour?”
“Maybe after we eat, but there is something that I want to show you right now.”
JC tries to lead me by the hand, but my feet won’t budge. “It’s not a mirror is it?”
He looks at me in confusion. “What?”
“Oh nothing. It’s something stupid that Ju-.” I catch myself before I can finish saying his name. “Never mind.”
JC takes me down the hallway and opens up a door. The room he shows me is too cute for words. It’s decorated in bright red, blue and yellow with the most adorable child sized furniture. There’s Spiderman posters on the wall and a toybox that’s so full, the lid on it won’t even close.
“This is so precious. Who is this for?”
JC looks at me like I’m slow. “This is for Jonah. I just figured that if you ever needed for me to keep him, he’d have his own room. If you don’t like the decorations, I can change it.”
“I wouldn’t change a thing. This is very sweet and thoughtful. Thank you.” I lean forward and give him a kiss that lingers a little longer than I had intended for it to. At first he seems caught off guard by my gesture, but he recovers quickly and starts to return my kiss full force.
The next thing I know, we’re leaned against the wall making out like teenagers. Hands everywhere. This is nice, but a very bad idea and I know it. I don’t want to offend JC, so I push him away as gently as I can.
“Dinner smells good. We don’t want it to get cold.”
JC slides his mouth to my neck and whispers against my skin. “That’s what microwaves are for.”
Part of me wants to keep right on doing what we’re doing, but common sense prevails. For the moment anyway. “Seriously, we shouldn’t be doing this.”
JC pulls away from me hesitantly. “You’re right.” He takes my hand and leads me into the dining room. This room is decorated just as beautifully as the rest of his home. The hardwood floors and cherry oak furnishings are polished to a high gloss and the whole room is bathed in candlelight.
The dinner that he’s prepared is simple, but delicious. We’re having Coq Au Vin, (which is just the fancy French way to say chicken in wine), a lightly seasoned tossed salad and roasted new potatoes. And he actually cooked this himself. A thoughtful, handsome, kindhearted man that knows how to kiss and cook? I could get used to this.
But I’ve promised myself that I will be on my best behavior tonight. There will not be a repeat of the impromptu make out session that we had earlier in the evening.
Get thee behind me, Satan.
******************************************************************************
After dinner, I insisted on helping JC clean up and now we’ve retired to the living room with two glasses and a bottle of wine. I don’t want to validate the nonsense that Justin was talking by saying that JC is trying to get me drunk, but between the booze on that bird and what’s in my glass, I’m getting pretty toasty. I’m not drunk, but I am highly buzzed.
And the mix cd that’s pumping in through his sound system definitely seems designed to create a certain mood. The playlist so far has included, Prince, James Blunt, D’Angelo, David Gray, Avant, Babyface, my beloved Maxwell and other assorted male singers that all seem to be professing their love, begging for sex or some combination of the two. I’m not saying that JC is necessarily trying to get me in the mood, but I’m getting there, just the same.
JC is talking to me, but none of what he’s saying is really registering in my brain. I don’t know if it’s the wine, the music or just the fact that he always goes out of his way to make me feel special, but I find myself wanting JC in a way that I never have before. I’m trying to hold my emotions in check, but it feels like a losing battle.
Fortunately you have
Someone who relies on you
We started out as friends
But the thought of you just caves me in
JC takes off his glasses and puts them on the coffee table in front of us. “I’m really glad that you came over tonight. I was actually kind of surprised when you showed up.”
“What made you think that I wasn’t going to come?”
“I just know that sometimes Justin has a way of getting you to change your plans. He basically hijacks your life and I didn’t know . . . ”
I put my finger against JC’s lips. “I don’t want to talk about Justin tonight. I don’t want to think about him either. As a matter of fact, why don’t we just pretend that he doesn’t even exist?”
“That’s a very good idea.” JC looks at me and his eyes are glowing like bright blue flames. He presses a kiss against my lips and it deepens instantly.
We’ve certainly kissed before, but it’s never felt like this. There is an intensity and an urgency that’s never been there before. Suddenly every touch seems rushed, but like it can’t happen soon enough at the same time.
JC leaves a trail open mouthed kisses down my neck and onto my shoulder, sliding the thin spaghetti straps of my dress out of his way as he goes. His lips feel like crushed velvet against my skin. His touch is making me shiver.
The battle is lost.
The symptoms are so deep
It is much too late to turn away
We started out as friends
I stand up from the sofa, grabbing JC by the hand and pulling him up with me. I start walking backwards toward the hallway and he’s following me without any hesitation.
Sign your name across my heart
I want you to be my baby
Sign your name across my heart
I want you to be my lady
As we continue to walk he raises an eyebrow and asks me, “Where are you taking me?”
“This is your place. You tell me.” JC takes the lead and ushers me into his bedroom. Instinctively I glance up and breathe a sigh of relief when I see that there isn’t a mirror on the ceiling.
JC glances up then slowly lets his gaze settle on me. “You looking for something?”
“Yeah.” I pull JC closer to me and gently brush my lips against his. It’s not even a kiss, just the bare minimum of contact, but still it makes my pulse quicken. I can’t remember the last time that I felt this way.
Time I'm sure will bring
Disappointments in so many things
It seems to be the way
When you’re gambling cards on love you play
There’s a voice in my head telling me to stop before it’s too late. I know that once we do this there won’t be any turning back. But the part of me that’s saying stop is drowned out by the chorus of voices that are shouting for me to go on.
I'd rather be in Hell with you baby
Than in cool Heaven
It seems to be the way
I put my hands against JC’s chest and I can feel his heart beating wildly beneath my touch. I make a move to kiss him, but he drops his hands to my waist, stopping me.
“Are you sure about this, Kayla? I won’t be upset if you change your mind. I just need to know that you really want this. Are you sure that you want to be with me?”
“I’m sure.” JC leans in to kiss me and we slowly start to undress each other. We make our way to the bed and he explores every inch of my body as though he is savoring the experience.
By the time he’s done with me, there isn’t a spot on my body that hasn’t felt the warm, wetness of his tongue or the gentle caress of his touch. He’s been taking his time with me and it feels like the sweetest form of torture, but enough is enough. I need to feel him inside of me right now.
He kisses his way up my body until we’re face to face and I can tell that he’s just as ready as I am. I draw my knees up against his sides and I can feel his hardness pressed against me. I close my eyes in anticipation of something that’s been a long time in the making. Something that we’ve both known was going to happen.
All alone with you
Makes the butterflies in me arise
Slowly we make love
“Look at me.”
I slowly open my eyes and the intensity of JC’s gaze is almost too much to bare. I want to let my eyes drift shut again, but I can’t close myself off to the electric blue of his eyes. My eyes remain wide open, even as I feel him slide inside of me. He hooks his arms under my legs, moving them further apart, allowing him to move deeper into me.
And the earth rotates
To our dictates
Slowly we make love
“Kayla.” He whispers my name softly and intimately. “Kayla.” He says my name like it’s a sacred word. Like I’m sacred to him. “Kayla, I . . . ”
I pull him down to me so that I can swallow his words inside of a kiss. The look in his eyes, the sound of his voice, the passion in his touch, have already told me what he’s about to say. But I can’t stand to hear it.
I don’t want to hear it.
Sign your name across my heart
I want you to be my baby
******************************************************************************
I wake with a crook in my neck and the heaviness of regret sitting in my chest. I sit up slowly and glance at the clock on JC’s night stand. The blinking red digits tell me that it’s almost one o’clock in the morning. Common sense tells me that I need to get the hell out of here.
What in the hell was I thinking?
Sleeping with JC had seemed like a good idea a few hours ago, but now it has mistake written all over it. I can feel myself starting to panic.
As quietly as I can, I ease myself off the bed and start creeping around the room; putting on various items of my clothing as I find them. I put my hand on the bed for support as I stoop down to look for my shoes. When I apply a little weight the mattress springs creek and when I look up, I find myself face to face with JC.
“What are you doing, Kayla?” The question is obviously rhetorical because I know that he knows what I’m doing. Or at least what I was trying to do.
“I was just, um . . . ”
“You were leaving. And you weren’t even going to say anything.” JC doesn’t look particularly surprised. He just looks disappointed. “You were just going to get up and go. Was it really so horrible that you didn’t even want to talk about it?”
“How could you say that?”
“Usually, people don’t leave joyful experiences behind by creeping out like a cat burglar.”
“It’s late and I need to go. I didn’t want to disturb your sleep, but I was going to leave a note.” That is a total lie. I was not going to slow down my get away by stopping to write a note.
“No, you weren’t. You were just going to leave and probably pretend that this never happened. The same way that you pretend that nothing has ever happened between us.”
“Don’t be like this JC. Last night was very special to me. I don’t want to ruin the experience by talking it to death.”
“This isn’t about me talking it to death. This is about you not wanting to talk about it at all. And I asked you, Kayla. I asked you if you were sure that you wanted this and you said you were.”
“Well obviously, I didn’t understand what you were really asking me.”
“Don’t play dumb. Did you honestly think that I was just asking you for a one night stand? I could have cheap meaningless sex with anybody. I thought you understood that I was asking you for more than that. I guess I was stupid to think that it would mean something to you just because it meant something to me.”
“It did mean something to me.”
“Don’t bother telling me what we both know is a lie. I don’t know what else to do Kayla. I’ve been there for you. I’ve listened and given advice and I never judged you, not once. I love Jonah like he was my own. I’ve done everything I can to let you know how I feel and you just seem determined to ignore what I’m telling you.”
“I care about you, JC. You know that. If it weren’t for Justin . . . ”
Anger like I’ve never seen before flashes through JC’s eyes. “Just stop. You can’t use Justin as a prop for the rest of your life. He only has as much control over your life as you let him have. If you wanted to be with me, if you really wanted to give me a chance, you would.”
“I just . . . I’m not ready for this and I’m sorry if I gave you the impression that I was.”
JC frames my face with his hands, forcing me to look him in the face. “I understand that you’re scared and I don’t want to rush you. I know that it’s probably hard for you to trust anybody. I also know that you’re carrying a lot of hurt inside of you. If I knew a way to take your pain for myself, I’d do it in a heartbeat. But I can’t do that. All I can do is promise you that I won’t lie to you or cheat on you. All I can do is love you.”
The patience and sincerity in his voice is tearing my heart apart. “Please don’t say anything else.”
“I love you, Kayla.” He’s been saying this to me for so long in so many different ways, but this is the first time that he’s actually said it out loud. I have always tried so hard to stop him from saying those words because I knew that once that cat was out of the bag, there wouldn’t be any going back.
I look into JC’s eyes and what I see there scares me to death. I see unconditional love. I see an opportunity to have something better than what I’m used to. I see things that I want with all my heart. I see things that I’m not entirely sure that I deserve. I see light and hope and a heart that’s open wide, just waiting for me to come inside.
I can’t stand to see anymore.
I pull away from JC. “I’ve got to go.”
“Don’t leave like this.”
I’m moving so quickly that I don’t even stop to put my other shoe on. I just hop my way toward the door. “I’ll call you.” I hastily shout this over my shoulder, not even taking a moment to look back. I run into the elevator and frantically press the button until the door closes. Once I reach the parking garage, I jump in my car and burn rubber like the devil himself is chasing me.
I know what you’re thinking and I couldn’t agree more.
I’m a bitch.
Song Lyrics
Sign Your Name - Terence Trent D’arby
Part Three: Fallen by deebee73
Chapter Fifteen
Part Three: Fallen
September 2006
I pull the car into the driveway but instead of getting out, I just sit there for a minute. In the dead silence of the night the ringing of my cell phone is deafening, but I don’t have any intention of answering. I already know exactly who it is and I know what he wants. When I pick the phone up to switch it to mute, I can see that in addition to the calls from JC, I’ve also got missed calls from Justin. I glance toward the house and feel relieved to see that all the lights are out. All I can do is hope that Justin is asleep by now. I’ll try to deal with him in the morning, but I can’t do it now. I don’t feel like doing anything right now but curling up into a big ball.
I catch my own eyes in the rearview mirror, but I quickly look away. I can’t stand the sight of my own reflection. I had always told myself that there was a certain line that I would not cross with JC, but I did cross it and there’s no going back now. I’ve just ruined my relationship with the only man that has ever really tried to be there for me and I don’t even know why I did it.
My life is a mess and I just keep finding new and spectacular ways to make it even more of a mess. I slump forward and let my head rest against the steering wheel, as tears start to slide down my cheeks.
For the longest time I thought Justin was the problem. I believed that if I could just extricate myself from him, I’d be okay. But I can’t blame him for this. This mistake is one hundred percent Kayla and I don’t have any idea of how to fix it.
What I want to do is go and get Jonah, put him in the car and just drive. Drive until we’re as far away from here as we can get. I want to run away from home. I don’t want to deal with any of what I know is about to come my way. But I’m supposed to be an adult and adults aren’t allowed to run a way from home. Adults have to stay, take responsibility for what they’ve done and deal with the consequences. So what I need to do is dry up these tears and try to get some sleep.
I ease my way into the front door as quietly as I can. I breathe a sigh of relief because it looks like the coast is clear. But as I walk past the sofa, Justin springs up from out of nowhere like a jack in the box. He reaches over to the end table to click on the lamp and I squint my eyes as they adjust to the light. “You scared me Justin.”
He looks me up and down through his squinted gaze, taking in every aspect of my appearance. “You shouldn’t be so jumpy.” His voice is low and strangely calm.
“I’m not jumpy. I just didn’t expect to find you wide awake at two o’clock in the morning.”
“And I didn’t expect for you to come creeping in here from your “it’s not a date” at two o’clock in the morning. I guess we’ve both had our surprises for the night.”
“You shouldn’t have been waiting up for me.”
“I couldn’t sleep. You didn’t call and you wouldn’t answer your phone when I called you. I was worried.”
“JC and I started talking and I guess we lost track of time. It’s not a big deal.” The lie rolls off my tongue effortlessly. I wonder if it was always so easy for him. So easy to look in the face of someone that you care about and tell a bold, pointless lie.
I know that he knows. He hasn’t said anything, but I can tell by the look on his face, that he knows what happened tonight. I brace myself for a verbal assault, but he just smiles at me.
“Why do I feel like we’ve had this conversation before?”
“We have had this conversation before. Just flip the roles and we’ve had this conversation about a thousand times.”
“I guess. I’m just not used to being on this end of it.” I’m looking off to the side, trying to avoid Justin’s gaze, but he’s staring straight at me. “Did you have a good time at least?”
I search his voice and his face for some sign of nastiness or sarcasm, but surprisingly I find none. “Yeah. It was fine.”
As I start to move toward the hallway, Justin’s voice stops me dead in my tracks. “I just asked cause it kind of looks like you’ve been crying.”
“I haven’t been crying. I’m just tired. That’s all.” I take another step away from him, but he lets out a sigh. A loud and weary sigh that makes him sound old and tired.
“We all make mistakes, Kay. God knows I’ve made mine. But sooner or later you’ve got to learn something. If you keep making the same kinds of mistakes over and over again, they’re no longer mistakes. It just becomes a part of who you are.”
As usual, I’m incapable of getting anything over on Justin. Just one glance at me and he saw straight through to my heart. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“If you want to pretend that you don’t know what I’m talking about, that’s fine. I just hope you know what you’re getting yourself into. JC is like a stray dog. It’s okay to pat him on the head a few times. But start feeding him and he’ll never go away.”
I turn around and walk back to Justin. I stand in front of him until he looks up into my face. “I didn’t ask for your advice. I don’t want your advice.”
“Fair enough. You’re going to do whatever you want to do anyway. I just don’t understand why you insist on digging yourself in deeper when you need to be trying to get out.”
Justin is entirely too calm about this. I had expected a knock down drag out. Yelling, name calling, the whole nine. But he’s just sitting there. I can’t stop the look of confusion that spreads out over my face.
“You look disappointed, Kay. Was the sex that bad or does it just seem like a waste of time now that I’m not upset about it?”
I drop my eyes to the floor and stumble over my words. “I didn’t. . .we didn’t. . .” Justin does to me, what I seldom had the nerve to do to him. He cuts my lie off before I can even get it out of my mouth.
“Don’t. I’m going to feel like a real piece of shit if I find out I’ve turned you into a liar on top of everything else.”
For some reason, his attempt at maturity and refusal to argue is pissing me off more than if he had jumped down my throat. “You don’t get to do this. You don’t get to sit there and act smug and superior. You have no right.”
“I know that. You’re right.”
“What kind of trick is this?”
“This isn’t a trick. Whatever you did or didn’t do with JC is none of my business. I won’t lie. I was sitting here, watching the clock and I was getting heated. I had thought up a rather impressive list of really nasty things that I could say to you, but then it occurred to me that I don’t have a leg to stand on. I don’t know about you, but when I said that I was trying to grow up, that’s what I meant. I’m tired of acting like a child and I’m tired of fighting with you, Kay. So you can do whatever you think is best and I won’t say another word.”
“Well, good. Because I know what I’m doing.” Nothing could be further from the truth and his nonchalant attitude has left me more confused than ever.
He gives me a lazy smile and shrugs his shoulders. “Not a problem.”
A realization settles down on me and creates a heaviness around my heart. I wanted him to care. I wanted him to yell at me. I feel guilty as hell and I needed for him to argue with me. I need to turn some of the anger I have inside, outward. He has denied me the opportunity, leaving me to deal with my demons all on my own. It seems unfair somehow.
I don’t know how to deal with the Justin that I see before me. I could have dealt with angry, irrational and immature. But quiet, calm, and reasonable is more than I can handle right now.
I don’t know what Justin is up to and I’m too tired to try and figure it out. Without bothering to say goodnight, I turn on my heel, heading for my bedroom. As I step into the hallway, I trip over a suitcase that’s sitting there. “What’s this doing sitting in the middle of the floor?”
“I’m leaving.” He announces this without any fanfare at all.
“What do you mean, you’re leaving? Is that the game you’re playing? You sit there and pretend not to care what I do, then just suddenly announce that you’re leaving. That’s very mature Justin. If you’re pissed off about me and JC, why don’t you just say so?”
“Contrary to your belief, the world doesn’t revolve around you, me and the dysfunctional mess that we’ve got going. I’m leaving because I have to go to New York to meet with some executives from Jive.”
“Why is this the first that I’m hearing about that?”
“Johnny called after you left. According to him, the label is losing patience with me and if I’m still interested in having a career, I need to kiss start kissing a whole lot of ass.”
“You should have called me. I would have come home sooner.”
“I did call you. I guess you were too busy doing whatever you were doing with JC to answer the phone.”
The missed calls on my cell had completely slipped my mind. “I put my phone on mute while I was at work. I guess I forgot to turn it back on.”
Justin just looks at me and shakes his head. “You really don’t need to make up these kinds of excuses for me, Kay.”
“Do you actually have the nerve to sit there and accuse me of lying?”
“I’m not going to give you the argument that you’re spoiling for, so you just need to stop.”
I open my mouth in preparation for denying his statement, but nothing comes out. Justin has read me and this situation with one hundred percent accuracy. Anything I say at this point will just make me sound as ridiculous as I feel.
I’ll be damned if I’m going to let Justin be the most mature person in this room. I push down the conflicted emotions I’m feeling and make a concentrated effort to change the subject. “Did you already tell Jonah that you’re leaving?”
“Yeah. He seems to be taking it pretty well. I mean, he doesn’t want me to go but he understands that I have to work.” A smile spreads out over Justin’s face and he lets out a quiet laugh. “Do you know what he said to me when I told him that I was leaving?”
“What?”
“He told me that he was gonna miss me and he’d be glad when I got back. Then he said he’d be even gladder, if I had a puppy with me the next time he saw me. Can you believe that? JoJo is a junior hustler.”
“I wouldn’t expect anything less from your son.”
“Oh, so he’s my son when he’s being sheisty?”
“Hell yeah. He didn’t learn it from me.” Justin laughs along with me and I can feel some of the tension leaving the room. The fatigue I’m feeling starts to sink in on me, so I cross over to the armchair and sit down.
“Do you think the people at Jive are going to give you a hard time?”
“I’m going to get reamed. I completely ignored their advice to not go public about Jonah and then I went to Tennessee for a month and didn’t return any of their phone calls. I caused a media shit storm and then went underground. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that no one is all that pleased with me right now.”
“How long do you think you’ll be gone?”
“I’m way behind on everything and I’ve got to play catch up. After they get through yelling at me, I’ll probably be locked in the studio. I’ve got to polish up the first single. I need to look at video treatments, audition dancers, shoot promo pictures and the cd cover. I think it’s safe to say that I’ll be out of your hair for quite a while.”
And there it is, handed to me on a silver platter. Justin will be gone for who knows how long and I didn’t even have to ask him to leave. I suppose that this should be good news. But somehow, I’m not as happy as I thought I’d be.
A thought comes into my brain and translates itself into words before I can stop myself. “I’m going to miss you.”
Surprise registers on Justin’s face, but he immediately wipes it away. “You don’t have to say that, Kay. I know that you’re probably thrilled to get rid of me.”
“I’m not just saying that. You’re a big old pain in the ass, but I’ve gotten used to you being here.”
“Once I get settled and have some idea of what my schedule is going to be like, maybe you and Jonah could come see me. If you want to.”
“That sounds like a good idea.”
“Okay.” Justin stands up yawns, stretching his long arms high above his head. “I’ve got to leave pretty early in the morning. I should probably try to get some sleep now.”
“Yeah.” I get up and move closer to Justin.
“You’ll probably be asleep when I leave, so I guess this is it, huh?”
“I guess.” I slowly raise my head and allow myself to look Justin directly in the face. The calm casual expression on his features is belied by the worry and sadness in his eyes. “Justin. . .”
He lays his index finger against my slightly parted lips, silencing me. “I can’t, Kayla. I can’t have this conversation. Maybe we should, but I just can’t.” He draws me into a tight embrace and whispers into my ear. “I’ll miss you too.” He holds onto me for just a second longer, and then he just lets go. He walks away from me and goes into his room, closing the door behind him.
I stand there for a moment, surrounded by all the things we left unsaid. So often that’s the case with me and Justin. The words that we won’t allow ourselves to utter always carry so much more weight than the insignificant things that we waste our time talking about.
I can just add this to the long list of conversations that we never had. Another time when we’ve talked and said absolutely nothing at all.
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I’m lying in bed listening to Justin move around the house. I can tell that he’s trying his best to be quiet, but the truth is my eyes popped open the second that I heard him turn on the shower this morning. I tell myself to stay put until after he’s gone, but I’ve never been good at leaving well enough alone.
I shuffle my way through the house until I find Justin. He looks up at the sound of my approaching footsteps. “I was trying to be quiet, I hope I didn’t wake you up.”
“No. I couldn’t sleep anyway.” He’s leaning over the kitchen counter chomping on a Snickers bar and drinking a Pepsi. “Please tell me that’s not what you’re having for breakfast.”
“This is fine.”
“You need real food.” I start to head toward the fridge. “Let me make you something.”
“You don’t need to go through any trouble for me. You know I can get by for hours on a little caffeine and a lot of sugar.”
“Suit yourself.” I watch as he finishes up his candy bar and throws the wrapper in the trash. “What time are you leaving?”
He glances at this watch. “The car should be here to take me to the airport in about fifteen or twenty minutes. Why don’t you go back to bed?”
“I want to be awake when you leave.”
“Alright.” Justin leaves the kitchen and I follow him as he makes his way toward the front of the house. He looks around as he goes, trying to make sure that he’s not leaving anything behind.
“Do you have everything?”
“I think so.” He continues pacing back and forth from one room to the other until he starts to irritate me.
“Would you just sit down somewhere?” He doesn’t say anything in response. He just perches on the edge of the sofa. His leg is nervously bouncing up and down and it’s driving me crazy. I sit down beside him and put my hand on his knee, stilling his movement. “What’s wrong with you?”
He’s quiet for so long that I don’t think he’s going to answer me. “I don’t want to go.”
“I know that you think you’re going to get yelled at, but it probably won’t be as bad as you’re imagining.”
“I’m not worried about meeting with Johnny or those tight assed suits at Jive. I just don’t want to leave. I know that it’s only been four months, but being with you and Jonah just feels right. I like being here when Jonah gets out of school. I like going to the grocery store and helping you cook when you get home from work. This is the closest I’ve ever come to having a normal life and I don’t want to give it up.”
“You had to know that you were going to have to leave sooner or later. You can’t just hide out here with me and Jonah forever. Besides, you probably would have gone stir crazy in a couple of months anyway. You need to be out there doing what you do.”
“I know. I just thought I’d have more time.” He leans into me and rests his head against my shoulder. This is a far cry from the way things used to be. I can’t help but remember all the times when Justin would pack a bag and hit the bricks without tossing so much as a casual “see ya” over his shoulder.
The still quietness of the house and the gentle rhythm of Justin’s heart beating against my side, lull me into a feeling of contentment. The warmth coming from his body chases the slight chill from my bones. I put my arm around him and he instinctively turns into my touch, a soft sigh escaping his lips. We haven’t sat together like this since the night that we first met. Just as I feel my eyes starting to drift shut, the doorbell rings.
“Justin?” I call his name because despite the ringing of the doorbell, he hasn’t budged an inch.
“I know.” He reluctantly slides away from me and stands up. “I’ll probably only be in New York for two or three days. I’m not sure where I’ll have to go after that, but I’ll call you, okay?”
“Okay.”
He walks to the door and puts his hand on the knob, but he lets it drop off. “Kayla, I . . .” He stops short as though he’s struggling for the best way to put his thoughts into words. “I just want you to really think about what you’re doing right now.”
“I thought that you were going to stay out of this.”
“That’s what I thought too, but I can’t just leave without saying anything. I could stand here and tell you a lot of unflattering things about JC. I could tell you that he’s not the knight in shining armor that you’re making him out to be. But I won’t bother because it would just sound like I was being jealous and petty and you wouldn’t believe me anyway. I’m just asking you to be careful. That’s all.”
I look at Justin, searching for signs of dishonesty or a hidden agenda, but I don’t see anything. I’m trying to think of something to say to him, when the doorbell rings again.
He turns away from me and opens the door, allowing the driver to come inside and take his luggage out to the car. “Give Jonah a hug for me.”
“Of course.” I step toward Justin and give him a kiss on the cheek. “Have a safe trip.”
He just nods his head and steps outside. I stand in the doorway and watch until the car pulls away from the curb.
I step back inside and tell myself I’m okay. With Justin out of the way, I can think clearly and start trying to straighten things out. I’m glad that he’s gone.
I go into my bedroom and dig through the bottom drawer. My mind won’t admit to what I’m looking for, but my heart is well aware. Finally my hand glides across something stuck towards the back. I pull out my discovery and stare at it. It’s just a strip of black and white photo booth pictures that Justin and I took on our first date.
It was only six years ago, but we looked so different then. So young and so happy. We made all the standard photo booth poses. Making stupid faces, giving each other rabbit ears and sticking our tongues out at the camera. But the last picture on the strip is my favorite.
It’s almost like we had forgotten that there was a camera. Justin is leaned toward me and we’re looking at each other like nothing and no one exists but us. The second after the picture was taken, we kissed and it felt so much like love that it scared me.
Time and knowledge have marred the memory some, but the intensity of the emotion still remains. I sit on the edge of my bed with the photograph in my hand, dragging my fingertips across the glossy surface.
But still I tell myself I’m glad that he’s gone.
Part One: What Goes Up. . . . by deebee73
Chapter Sixteen: Part One
What Goes Up. . . .
January - May 2003
I guess I had to get around to telling this part of the story sooner or later. The big break. The thing that led to me living in Atlanta and Justin being with Cameron. It wasn’t pretty and it wasn’t clean. It was ugly, nasty and about as messy a break up as you’re ever bound to hear about. But to this day, I couldn’t tell you what really caused it. I certainly know what the contributing factors were, but I don’t know how things ended up the way they did. One minute we were getting along just fine and the next minute it all fell apart.
I would like to be able to say that it was all Justin’s fault, but hindsight is 20/20. Looking back on it, I can see that there were a lot of guilty parties that contributed to the death of our relationship.
But before I get to that, I should tell you about the little bit of light that came before the darkness. Justin took the sneaky, manipulative route to get us there (one long lost parent, one phony proposal, one giant diamond ring), but we did actually enjoy a few good months together. January 2003 thru March 2003 are the only months of uninterrupted joy that we experienced the entire time that we’ve been together.
I know what you must be thinking. These two clowns have been running in and out of each other’s lives for six freaking years and they only have three months of happiness to show for it? That seems like a lot of bad to go through just to have that little bit of good. I could not agree with you more. But those three months were as good as it ever was and it wasn’t ever going to be that good again.
The start of our short-lived domestic bliss was our trip to London. But there was one order of business that had to be taken care of before Jonah and I could pack our bags. Justin had to tell his manager, Johnny, that we were going. And before he could tell Johnny that we were going, he needed to tell Johnny that we actually existed. Johnny and Lynn were co-managing Justin’s career and Justin needed Johnny’s help to keep his mother from finding out what was going on. So yeah, Johnny has known about me and Jonah for quite a while. He helped Justin keep it quiet because the whole situation had public relations nightmare written all over it.
Justin decided that the best thing to do would be to invite Johnny over and just tell him what was up. Johnny came in and saw me sitting on the sofa holding Jonah in my lap. Johnny looked at me. Then he looked at Jonah. Then he looked at Justin. Then he looked at Jonah again. Words were unnecessary, he figured that one out on his own. He might not have had the finer points, but he definitely got the gist of the situation. And to say that he was not pleased, would have been the understatement of the year.
Johnny turned gray and started hyperventilating. I thought old dude was having a heart attack. I was two seconds away from calling 911, but Justin got him a glass of water and he calmed down after a few minutes. Once his color came back, he started fussing and cussing like he had lost his mind, but Justin shut him down real quick. He told Johnny that me and Jonah were going with him to England and that was the end of that. Johnny tried to argue him down and convince him that it was a horrible idea, but Justin would not be swayed.
Justin had one of his world class temper tantrums and would not stop hooting and hollering until he got his way. I think Johnny would have agreed to just about anything to get him to shut up. So Jonah and I were London bound.
Justin was traveling with a huge group of people at that point. There was his band, back up singers and a gaggle of dancers. It was enough people that a nondescript woman and a baby didn’t really get noticed. Not by the press anyway.
The people that worked with Justin certainly didn’t need much to figure out that I was with Justin and one brief look at Jonah gave the rest of that game away. But everyone that toured with Justin was loyal. As big a jackass as Justin may have been in his day to day life, he knew how to behave professionally. He treated the people that worked for him and with him like gold. His kindness and generosity created a familial atmosphere and generated a lot of loyalty. Everyone knew, but no one was going to tell.
When Justin wasn’t performing, we did all of the tourist type things that you can do in England. We went to Big Ben, Saint Paul’s Cathedral and Madame Tussaud’s. We saw the statue of Eros in Picadilly Circus. And of course we went shopping. Savile Row for him and Regent Street for me.
I’d never had the opportunity to travel anywhere, so Justin let me drag him all over the place. He’d seen all those attractions before but he acted like it was all new to him, like it was different or special because he was seeing those things with me. It was a little bit frustrating that we couldn’t go anywhere alone. We always had to travel in a group to throw suspicion off, but at that point, just being with Justin was enough for me.
He tried so hard during those months to make me happy. Since my birthday is February 14th, Justin took me to Paris as a combination birthday and Valentines Day gift. We could only spend two days there because of his schedule, but it was the most romantic time I’d ever spent with anyone.
We still had to overcome the hurdle of him telling his family about me and Jonah, but other than that everything seemed to be coming together.
But eventually all good things must come to an end. All that traveling was getting hard on Jonah and I was getting kind of worn out as well. Also, Justin just kept getting busier and busier. He did the best he could, but it got so that we couldn’t spend much time together at all. So we decided it would be for the best for Jonah and I to go back to Los Angeles, while he finished up the rest of his overseas promotional touring.
That was when the trouble started.
******************************************************************************
Things started off well enough when I got back to Los Angeles. Mari was still with us and my mother was making frequent trips from Chicago to spend time with me and Jonah. Justin called or emailed every single day. I would put the phone up to Jonah’s ear so that he could hear his father’s voice. Then Justin and I would talk. He never ended a conversation without telling me how much he loved me and how much he missed me.
It was hard to do, but I was actually starting to trust Justin again. I didn’t have that heavy feeling in my chest of constantly wondering what he was doing if I wasn’t looking at him. It also helped that I had gotten pretty tight with a couple of his dancers. They promised to keep an eye on him and according to all accounts he was behaving himself.
Justin and I had even set aside some time when we would travel to Tennessee so that Jonah and I could meet his parents. Justin was going to be touring with Christina Aguilera in the summer but he had a couple weeks of free time coming. We decided that would be the perfect time. He just had to finish up what he was doing in Europe and then do the Kid’s Choice Awards.
We both knew that it wasn’t going to be easy trying to explain to his mother why she had a grandchild that she’d never seen before, but Justin and I had convinced ourselves that she and the rest of the family would fall in love with Jonah at first sight. We thought it would be smooth sailing after that.
Seems like it was all falling into place, doesn’t it? So what could have possibly gone wrong, you ask? Well despite our improved behavior, the fact remains that underneath it all, both Justin and I were still possessive, jealous, irritable, highly suspicious and crazier than shit house rats. It probably would have only been a matter of time before we found a way to screw things up all by ourselves, but we had help.
A couple of blue eyed interlopers helped us sink our relationship right into the ground.
Blue eyed interloper number one, of course, was JC. With Justin gone and me not having any friends in Los Angeles, I didn’t really have anyone to hang out with except for JC. He was only too happy to fill the void that Justin’s absence left.
I saw JC probably about three or four days out of the week. He took Jonah and me to the zoo. We went to movies and art museums. He even took me to the studio with him and let me hear some of the songs he was working on for his solo album. I felt kind of honored. I know that unfinished songs can be a really private thing for a musician and it made me feel special that he would share that with me. Justin had certainly never taken me anywhere near the recording studio.
I was glad to have JC’s company, but Justin was less than thrilled about the amount of time that JC and I were spending together. Anytime I would mention JC’s name, Justin would demand an itemized second by second account of every minute that I spent with him. Then he would launch into a long winded tirade about how I shouldn’t be alone with JC so much.
My mother wasn’t particularly ecstatic about my growing friendship with JC either. She had met JC on a couple of occasions and she was not impressed at all. Unlike her spontaneous love upon first meeting Justin, she seemed to hate JC on sight. She said there was something sneaky about him, she didn’t trust him and she didn’t think twice about telling me that I shouldn’t have had him around so much while Justin wasn’t at home. In my mother’s opinion, JC was on the make and waiting for an opportunity to pounce. I told her that he was just a friend and she told me that he was laying the groundwork to more.
At that point, JC had never approached me on anything other than a friendship level. The thought of him trying to make a move on me was laughable. I dismissed everything that my mother said. She was almost fanatical in her devotion to Justin, so I just thought that she was tripping on his behalf. Perhaps I should have listened more carefully to her warnings.
It started off casually enough and he was so smooth about it, it took a little while for me to catch on to what he was doing. But it seemed like, suddenly JC couldn’t stop touching me. Not in a sexual or inappropriate way, but he was getting pretty touchy-feely. It was always small things though. He always greeted me with a firm hug and a kiss on the cheek. He would let his hand rest on my knee for a second. If we were sitting on the sofa, watching tv, he would put his arm around my shoulder. If we went out somewhere he might casually hold my hand. But he was never aggressive and he never let his touch linger for too long. He hadn’t done anything to make me really uncomfortable, so I didn’t make much of it.
But I guess since I hadn’t protested, he decided to take things up a notch.
*****************************************************************************
I had been begging Justin to let me watch some old tapes of him on the Mickey Mouse Club, but he had absolutely refused. He said that it was too embarrassing. Justin wouldn’t come through on my request, but JC had no problem with it.
JC came over one afternoon and brought a box of old VHS tapes with him. Apparently his mother had taped every single episode. After watching a few episodes I could see why Justin was in no hurry for me to see them. The show was cheesy as all get out and Justin was such a little pipsqueak. I still thought he was adorable, though.
“I can’t believe that I didn’t watch this while it was coming on. I would have had the biggest crushes on you and Tony.”
JC lifted his eyebrows. “Why me?”
“Why not you? You could sing, you could dance, your hair was a bit of early nineties perfection and you were cute.”
“Oh, so I was cute? You don’t think I’m cute now?”
“You know what I mean.” I playfully pushed his shoulder. “You know that you’re cute. You don’t need to hear it from me.”
“Maybe I want to hear it from you.”
And just like that, our conversation went right off the tracks. “Huh?”
“How do you feel about me, Kayla?”
That seemed like a trick question to me. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, I want to know how you feel about me.” I didn’t say anything because I didn’t know what to say. JC brought his hand up to my face and looked into my eyes. “I’ll tell you how I feel about you. I think you’re beautiful and kind. I think you deserve better than what you’re getting. I think you’re lonely and you don’t have to be.”
“Huh?” I seriously felt like I was in the twilight zone. I didn’t know what in the hot hell had prompted JC to give me that little speech, but I did know that it needed to be nipped in the bud.
“JC, I think. . .” And that was as far as I got, before he kissed me.
Now here comes the complicated part. The part where I have to tell on myself. I let JC kiss me. And even worse, I kissed him back. I returned his kiss for less than five seconds and regretted it instantly. I pushed away from him and stood up.
JC tried to speak, but I put my hand out, stopping him before he could even get started. “You know that nothing like that can ever happen again, right?”
“Why not?” And please believe that he was serious.
“Why do you think? I’m with Justin.”
“That’s certainly never stopped him from doing whatever he wants to do. Or whoever he wants to do. Why should you let it bother you?”
“I can’t believe you said that.”
“I’m sorry. Okay? I’m sorry. I just. . .I’m attracted to you and I thought that maybe you felt the same way that I do.”
“Well, I don’t. And even if I did, I wouldn’t act on it while I’m in a relationship with somebody else.”
“But you did act on it. You kissed me back.”
He had my ass with that one, didn’t he? “Yes, I did kiss you back and it was a mistake. A mistake that will never be repeated again. Ever. Do you understand me?”
“I really am sorry. I wouldn’t ever want to do anything to jeopardize our friendship. You mean a lot to me and I guess I just let my emotions cloud my common sense. It won’t ever happen again. I promise.”
I accepted his apology and JC slipped right back into his friend role without missing a beat. But our relationship was never quite the same. The key to male/female platonic friendships is never crossing over into “what if” territory.
JC and I had crossed over and no matter how much I tried to convince myself otherwise, there was no going back.
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Things were awkward for a week or two, but after that JC decided that the best thing to do would be to pretend like the whole thing never happened. He started coming over again, but I always made sure that Mari was around. Better safe than sorry and I didn’t figure he’d try anything if there was a witness.
One day in about the middle of March JC, Jonah and I were sitting around in the living room looking at tv. I can’t even remember what we had been watching, but it couldn’t have been very interesting because all three of us had fallen asleep.
I heard a muffled thump, followed by someone clearing their throat. When I looked up, Justin was standing in the doorway and the look on his face made it pretty clear that he was not at all thrilled about the scene that he had rolled up on. JC was sitting in the middle of the sofa with Jonah cuddled up on his right side and I was on the left.
It was all innocent, but I have to admit that it probably didn’t look too good. I jumped up off the sofa and ran over to Justin.“What are you doing here? Why didn’t you tell me that you were coming?”
He was so busy staring JC down that it took him a few minutes to even acknowledge that I was talking to him. “I was trying to surprise you.” Justin walked right by me and went straight to the sofa. He took Jonah out of JC’s arms and took him over to the armchair and sat down with him in his lap.
Jonah was not quite a year old and he was the happiest baby that I’d ever been around. He gave Justin an all gums smile and grabbed at his nose. Then he started chattering away. Most of it was gibberish sprinkled with a few real words, but Justin smiled and nodded his head as though he understood every word. “At least somebody around here is glad that I’m home.”
I crossed back over to the sofa and sat down. “Of course I’m glad that you’re here Justin.”
“Could have fooled me.”
JC chose that moment to insert himself into the conversation. “What do you want her to do? Turn a cartwheel?”
Justin looked at JC. “Was I talking to you?”
JC returned Justin’s nasty look. “No, but I was talking to you.”
“I know you’re not trying to get smart with me. It’s bad enough you’re all stretched out and comfortable like you pay the bills around this piece. Now you’re trying to get a flip lip too. ”
“I’m just saying, you drop in unannounced and act like you want Kay to bow and scrape because you decided to grace her with your presence for a couple of hours.”
“Unannounced?” Justin’s eyes bugged out like he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “How the hell can I show up unannounced in my own home? You must of bumped your head on something, cause you’ve got this situation twisted.”
Justin’s tone was already salty and JC wasn’t being especially friendly himself. I didn’t know what was wrong with them, but I tried to stop things from getting out of hand. “Justin, you must be tired. Don’t you want to go upstairs? Maybe take a shower and get some rest?”
“Is that your polite way of getting rid of me so that you and C can be alone? If I’m interrupting something, all you have to do is say so.”
“Don’t be ridiculous.” I went over to Justin and took Jonah out of his arms. “It’s time for his nap. I’ll be right back.” Nap, my ass. I was lying and Justin knew that I was lying. Jonah wasn’t the least bit sleepy. Hell, he’d just woken up. I was just trying to get him out of the room before Justin started doing the clowning that it was becoming increasingly obvious that he was about to do.
I took Jonah upstairs and hung around up there for about fifteen minutes. I was hoping that if I stayed gone long enough, Justin and JC would have had time to chill out. Wrong.
I cut through the kitchen and got Justin a beer on my way back to the living room. I leaned over the back of his chair and put the bottle in his hand. I tried to give him a kiss on the cheek, but he jerked away from me.
I don’t know what JC and Justin had said to each other while I was gone, but they had not chilled out, if anything, the discomfort level in the room had shot sky high. I sat back down on the sofa and when I took a look at Justin he looked pale and nauseous. He kept looking back and forth between me an JC as though he was searching for something. JC on the other hand, had an uncharacteristically smug look and a cat that ate the canary grin on his face.
“Are you okay, Justin?”
He seemed to snap out of the trance that he was in. “Yeah. I’m fine. I was just thinking about something.”
“What?”
He looked at me like I was a complete stranger. “It doesn’t matter.” He took a sip of his beer and then sat the bottle down on the coffee table. He leaned back in his chair and just started staring at JC. An unwavering, unnerving stare.
Finally, JC couldn’t take it anymore. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
“I was just wondering why it is that you don’t have anything better to do than hang around in my house all damn day. Shouldn’t you be working on your cd? Oops, my bad. That got pushed back again, didn’t it?”
JC’s slick smile dropped. “You would know.”
“Fuck’s that supposed to mean?”
“Means that maybe you had a hand in my release date being pushed back.”
“Don’t blame me if the record label doesn’t want to promote your shit.”
“Maybe if I had some radio friendly bullshit and a bunch of lies to tell about my broken heart, they’d promote me too.”
I looked back and forth between them and I couldn’t help but feel like I had missed some important part of the conversation. They seemed to be so mad at each other and for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out why. “What’s wrong with you two? What are you fighting about?”
But neither of them would answer me. JC just got up and headed for the door. “It’s pretty obvious that I’m not wanted here.”
“JC, you don’t have to leave.”
Justin piped up. “Yes, the fuck he does.”
JC just shook his head. “It’s okay. I’ll see you later.” I walked JC out to his car and by the time I had come back into the house, Justin had polished off the first beer I’d brought him and started on a second.
“Why were you being so mean to JC? He hasn’t done anything to you.”
Justin looked at me like he wanted to say something and then thought better of it. “You don’t know JC like I do. Believe me when I tell you that I didn’t hurt his feelings.”
“Were you two fighting about his cd? Did you have anything to do with the trouble that he’s having with the label?”
Justin took a sip of his beer and then gave me a weak smile. “Between the two of you, you could find a way to blame me for everything from the extinction of the dinosaurs to the hole in the ozone layer. I don’t run Jive. I don’t have shit to do with what cds they release or when. I’m not actually all powerful, you know.”
“I was just asking.”
“Is that the kind of mess that JC’s been filling your head with while I’m not here?”
“He just mentioned it to me and I thought I would ask you about it.”
“That’s nice. There’s nothing I like better than coming home to a bunch of bullshit accusations.”
“I’m sorry. Just forget that I said anything. I really am glad that you’re home.” I sat down in Justin’s lap and put my arms around his neck. “I’ve missed you.”
“Really?” He sounded skeptical. I sat there waiting for him to put his arms around me, but he was stiff and unresponsive.
“Of course I have.”
“Has JC been over here a lot while I was gone?”
“I guess. He keeps me and Jonah company.”
“Do you go out with him or do you just hang around the house?”
“It depends. Sometimes we go out, sometimes we stay here. I’ve already told you about the time that JC and I spend together. Why are you asking me all these questions?”
“I’ve got my reasons.” Justin cupped my chin in his hand and positioned my face so that he could look into my eyes. “I know we’ve had some rough patches and I haven’t always been the kind of man that you deserved, but I want you to know that I’ve been completely faithful to you these past few months. Since what happened last year, I have not touched or even looked at another woman. Do you believe me?”
“I want to.”
“I know that the things I’ve done in the past make it hard for you to believe in me, but I swear I go back to my hotel room every night, alone. I completely understand why you wouldn’t trust me on that. I can see how somebody might have taken advantage of the situation and tried to get inside your head.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Kayla, I need to ask you something. All I want is for you to tell me the truth. I won’t get mad because I know that I’m not in any position to judge you. If you tell me the truth, we can just call it even and move on.”
“You’re scaring me, Justin. Just say whatever you’re trying to say.”
“Are you sleeping with JC?”
“What?”
“It’s a simple question, Kayla. Are you and JC having sex?”
“I can’t believe you’re asking me this.”
“I can’t believe that I’ve asked you twice and you still haven’t given me an answer.”
I stood up and walked away from him. “I would never do that to you. Just because you don’t know how to keep your hands to yourself, don’t accuse me of the same thing.”
“So, you’ve never done anything with him? No touching, no kissing. Nothing.”
My mind flashed back to the kiss that JC and I had shared. I thought of the times we’d held hands or I’d taken a nap with my head against his shoulder. I thought about the times I’d told JC intimate details of my relationship with Justin; details that he had no right to know. I started to feel guilty. I hadn’t cheated physically, but maybe I had betrayed Justin emotionally.
I tried my best to keep the guilt I was feeling from registering on my face. I wondered if I looked as shady as I felt, but I met Justin’s eyes and I answered him. “I’ve never done anything at all with JC. We’re just friends.”
Justin looked at me for the longest time before saying anything. “I’m sorry that I asked. I’ve just been hearing some foul stuff.”
“What kind of stuff? From who?”
“I don’t want to get into it.”
“Well, I do.” My thoughts immediately went to my mother. She had already expressed her dislike and suspicion of JC. She and Justin were thick as thieves and I wouldn’t have put it past her to try to put me on blast.
“It doesn’t matter who I heard it from. If you say it’s not true, then I guess I have to believe you.” I didn’t really care for the way he phrased that, but my residual feelings of guilt stopped me from saying anything. “I want you to stop spending so much time with JC. I don’t trust him anymore.”
“But you trust me, don’t you?”
“Yeah.”
We both pretended not to notice that he had hesitated before answering.
Justin could only spend the night before having to catch a flight to Canada, so I tried to dismiss the conversation from my mind and make the most of the time that we had together. He spent the rest of the afternoon and evening smothering Jonah with attention, but he would barely speak to me. He even had more conversation for Mari than he did for me, and those two couldn’t stand each other.
When we went to bed that night, Justin gave me a dry kiss on the cheek and then turned his back to me. When I woke up in the morning, he had already left again.
When Justin came home again for the rest of his time off, he was so quiet. He didn’t want to talk, he didn’t want to do anything. And even worse, he had little to no interest in sex. That’s when I knew that we had a problem. He wasn’t mean, he just didn’t seem to care if I was around or not.
Whenever I tried to pin him down on an exact date when we would be going to Tennessee, he would put me off. I would ask him what was wrong and he would just smile and say nothing. Then he would kiss me on the forehead, wander out of the room and go right back to ignoring me.
I convinced myself that his energies were focused elsewhere. He had a few local appearances to prepare for and he was also rehearsing for the Kid’s Choice Awards. I told myself that things would be better after the awards.
Justin’s mood did seem to improve after the awards. He was happier than he’d been before, but he still seemed not to have any time for me. He always had somewhere that he just had to be. Some important lunch meeting that he just had to go to. And all talk of going to Tennessee had been forgotten. I tried to be patient and hope that he was just having some sort of mood swing. In my heart I felt like he was up to something foul, but I ignored my intuition. The same way that I ignored the heavy feeling of uncertainty that had resettled against my chest.
Part Two: . . . .Must Come Down by deebee73
Chapter Sixteen: Part Two
. . .Must Come Down
April - May 2003
I awoke one night to the sound of whispering. When I cracked my eye open, I saw Justin sitting on the foot of the bed with his cell phone in his hand. I didn’t say anything because I wanted to see what he was up to. He glanced at me over his shoulder and I quickly closed my eyes, pretending to be asleep. Once he was satisfied that I wasn’t watching him, he slid off the bed and went into the bathroom with the phone pressed tightly against his ear.
When he closed the bathroom door behind him, I sat up and glanced at my watch. It was 2:30 in the morning. I braced myself for the argument that I knew would be forthcoming.
I was standing outside of the bathroom door, waiting for him to come out. “Who was that?”
I must have surprised the hell out of him. I could almost swear he jumped in the air when he saw me standing there wide awake. After regaining his composure, he decided to do that playing dumb thing that he did so well. “You mean on the phone?”
“Hell yes, I mean on the phone. Who would call you at 2:30 in the morning?”
“Um, that was Cameron.”
“Cameron? Who the hell is that?”
“Cameron Diaz.” He said it like it was the most natural thing in the world for some woman that I didn’t even know that he knew to be calling him at the ass crack of dawn.
“Cameron Diaz? Why is she calling you at this time? Why is she calling you at all for that matter?”
“Didn’t I tell you that I met her at the Kid’s Choice Awards?”
“No. That must have conveniently slipped your mind.”
“I’m sorry, I was almost sure that I had mentioned it. Anyway, I met her and we hung out backstage. We talked all night long. Can you believe that? I used to have the biggest crush on her when I was a kid. I remember when The Mask came out. Me and Trace drooled over that woman.”
Sometimes I think that Justin truly forgot who I was and what our relationship was supposed to be. He was telling me about how he had hooked up with some other woman, like I was one of his buddies, not his girlfriend. He stopped gushing about the delightful and lovely Miss Diaz long enough to take in the increasingly pissed off look I was giving him.
“I know what you’re thinking, Kay and it’s not even like that. She just wants to be friends.”
“Do you honestly expect for me to believe that?”
“Yes, I do. I told her that I was involved with someone and she’s cool with that. She likes talking to me. She’s just looking for somebody to hang out with.”
“Let me understand this. You sincerely believe that this grown ass woman is calling you all hours of the night because she wants a buddy? You are not that naive and neither am I.”
“I’m entitled to have friends, Kay.”
“If it was just a friendly phone call, why did you feel the need to sneak off to the bathroom to talk to her?”
“I wasn’t sneaking. You were asleep and I didn’t want to disturb you. I was trying to be considerate.”
I felt like I needed a shovel, cause the bullshit was getting mighty deep. “You must really think I’m stupid. Is she the person that you’ve been spending so much time with? Is she the reason why you’re never at home?”
“I don’t think you’re in any position to question me about who I spend my time with.”
“What do you mean by that?”
Justin pulled his bottom lip into his mouth like he was swallowing whatever it was that he really wanted to say. “Nothing. I didn’t mean anything. The point is that Cameron is just a friend. We go to lunch. We talk. Sometimes I just need somebody to talk to.”
“Why can’t you talk to me?”
“You don’t understand.”
“No, you’re the one that doesn’t understand. That woman does not want to be your friend.”
“How can you say that? You don’t have any idea what her intentions are. You don’t even know her.”
“I don’t have to know her. I know you. And I don’t want you hanging out with women that I don’t know.”
“So, it’s okay for you to have male friends, but I can’t have female friends. Don’t you think that’s a double standard?”
“What male friends? Are you talking about JC?”
“Who the hell do you think I’m talking about? You wanted me to trust you to be all laid up with him, but I can’t even talk to another woman without your consent. That’s bullshit Kay and you know it.”
“First of all, I’ve never been laid up with JC. Second, those are two entirely different situations.”
“How is it different?”
“JC was your friend first. You know him. And more importantly, I’ve never given you a single reason not to trust me.”
A strange look flashed through his eyes, but it disappeared before I could figure out what it was. “Kay, I’m not interested in Cameron in that way. I swear. She’s just a lot of fun to be around. I bet you’d like her if you met her.”
“I doubt that somehow.”
“But . . .”
“I don’t ask you for a lot Justin. But I’m asking you to not spend anymore time with her. Please.”
He looked at me. He looked me dead in the face and right in the eye. “I’m telling you, there is not now nor will there ever be anything going on with me and Cameron Diaz.” Justin pulled me into a hug and held me tightly against his chest. “But if it makes you that upset, I won’t see her again. I promise.”
That lie spread out as smooth and easy as butter on a hot piece of cornbread.
He kept right on seeing Cameron and it wasn’t long before I got to see her too.
******************************************************************************
I swung Jonah around in my arms and rubbed my nose against his. “How’s my birthday boy?” Jonah giggled and kicked his little feet into the air.
I couldn’t believe how quickly time had passed. Jonah was one year old even though it seemed like I had just given birth. The house was decorated with streamers and balloons and the table was overflowing with brightly wrapped packages in every shape and size.
I had probably went into overkill with the decorations and presents, but I was overcompensating for the sorry guest list. Rachel wasn’t able to fly in for the occasion, Justin had made it quite clear that JC was no longer welcome in the house, my mother and I were having the first of the long series of arguments that led to our shaky relationship falling apart and there weren’t any other kids that I could invite.
So the party was basically comprised of me, Justin and Mari. Oh wait, there was one more person coming, but that was a surprise.
I was playing with Jonah while we waited for Justin to return with the birthday cake. I heard the front door open and close. “I’ll bet that’s daddy.”
Jonah smiled at me and said something that sounded like “da-da poopah”. I returned his smile and gathered him into my arms. I heard someone come into the room and I turned around, anticipating Justin, but that’s not who I found staring back at me.
Instead I found myself face to face with blue eyed interloper number two.
Right from the start there was something about Cameron that set me on edge. I think it must have been her eyes. They were the same crystal blue shade as JC’s, but where JC managed to inject warmth into his cool eyes, Cameron’s were creepy and deliberately icy.
She gave me one up and down look, then she smiled. It was as if she had sized me up and immediately come to the conclusion that I wasn’t going to be any sort of competition. “You must be Kayla. It’s so nice to finally meet you.” She extended her hand toward me, but I just tightened my grip on Jonah.
“What are you doing here?” I know that was less than hospitable, but I was dumbfounded. Justin hadn’t brought up Cameron’s name since he’d promised not to see her anymore.
She looked at me like I was an idiot. “Well, Justin invited me of course.” As soon as she said his name, Justin entered the room as if on cue.
“I can see you two already met.” Justin was just as casual as you please. As though he thought he could just slide that shit across with no problem. There were so many things that I wanted to say to him and I didn’t even know where to start.
“Here, this is for the baby.” I shifted my attention back to Cameron and the present that she was holding in her hands.
“You can put it down over there.” I nodded my head toward the table where the other gifts were.
Cameron walked further into the room, taking a look around as she went. “You have a beautiful home.”
“Uh huh.”
I was staring at Justin and he was looking at me like everything was peachy keen. He seemed surprised when I met his happy glance with a scowl on my face. It’s times like that, that made me believe Justin was truly insane. Dysfunction and deceit were so deeply ingrained into him, he seemed not to realize how messed up this situation was.
Mari came out of the kitchen and busied herself with laying out a tray of food. She kept looking from Justin to me to Cameron and muttering “dios mio” under her breath. I guess she was just waiting for some trouble to pop off. It wouldn’t be a long wait.
Cameron and I sat down on the sofa and Justin perched on the armchair. Awkward doesn’t even begin to describe the situation.
Justin was watching me nervously out the corner of his eye. He knew that he’d pulled a fast one on me and I guess he was trying to figure out whether or not I was going to go off.
I was shooting daggers at him and trying to resist my urge to castrate him with the cake knife.
Cameron, however, looked as happy as a clam. Her wide, Joker like grin was giving me the willies. She was the first one to speak. “Justin’s told me so much about you, Kayla.”
“Is that so?”
“Yeah. He just goes on and on about how funny and pretty you are. Justin is such a sweetheart. You’re a very lucky woman to have trapped. . . I mean caught him.”
I could see how it was going to be. Cameron thought she was going to get her digs in on the sly. I knew how to play that game too. Except I decided to forgo the sly part. I got right to the insults.
“Good men are hard to come by and even harder to keep. I don’t guess I have to tell you that though, do I? Didn’t you just get dumped by that dude from My So Called Life?”
Cameron’s rubbery smile turned into a thin, white line on her face. “Actually, Jared did not dump me. We came to a mutual decision not to see each other anymore.”
“Yeah right. Was it also a mutual decision when you and Matt Dillon broke up? Or was it because you couldn’t let him out of your sight without a flea collar and a lo-jack tracking device?”
I have to give Cameron credit. She definitely knew how to take it and dish it out. “Matt and I just weren’t meant for each other. I was young and inexperienced when I was with him. I couldn’t satisfy his needs and if you can’t give a man what he needs, he will stray. But I don’t guess I have to tell you about that. Do I, Kayla?”
Now see, that heifer was getting real familiar. “I know all about that. Men will stray just like dogs. The one thing I’ve never understood about men or dogs is why they’d rather pick up trash off the street when they’ve got a five course meal waiting for them at home. Perhaps you could give me some insight on that, since you’re old. . .I mean older.”
Cameron squinted her eyes so tight, I thought they might disappear inside her head. I waited for her comeback, but instead of making a bitchy remark, she forced another one of those crazy ass smiles onto her face. She decided to score some points with Justin by kissing up to Jonah.
She reached her hand out to ruffle Jonah’s hair. “He’s just adorable.” Jonah turned his face into my neck, almost like he was shrinking back out of Cameron’s reach, but she kept prattling on as though she weren’t scaring the poor child to death.
“Justin, he looks so much like you.” Cameron looked at Jonah and then she gave me another appraising look. “Gosh Kayla, but he doesn’t look like you at all. If I didn’t just know, I wouldn’t ever guess that his mother was black.”
Justin’s eyes widened to twice their normal size. “Um, Cam.” He tried to slow her roll, but she was undeterred.
“Do people ever ask you if you’re like the nanny or something when you’re out with him?” She followed that comment with a girlish giggle.
Now, I can’t say for sure, but I think smoke might have actually been coming out of my ears at that moment.
Justin tried to quiet Cameron down. “Cam, you need to watch your mouth.” That wasn’t nearly good enough for me. Also, the fact that he was already calling her by a nickname made me wonder when they’d had time to get so damn familiar.
I had tried to keep my cool, but I had stood all that I could stand. Somebody was about to catch a foot in the ass.
Without any prompting whatsoever, Mari came and took Jonah out of my arms. It was perfectly obvious that I was about to lay into Cameron and she wanted to get Jonah out of the way. I waited until Mari was up the stairs and out of my sight before I stepped to Cameron. “Listen, bitch I don’t know who the hell you think you’re talking to, but I am not the one.”
Cameron’s eyes went wide, like she honestly hadn’t realized that she had insulted me. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to offend you.” She batted her eyelashes at Justin like she was all innocent, but then she gave me a smart ass smirk. I didn’t have to be a mind reader to figure out the truth behind her slick grin. That trick was after Justin and she didn’t care if I knew it or not.
I wanted that woman out of my house. On the double, with the quickness, because I was not trying to catch a case. And she looked like the kind of person that would have me brought up on charges after I tried to ring her scrawny neck.
“Justin. Kitchen. Now.”
He nodded his head and followed me. “I don’t know what you were hoping to prove by bringing her up in here, but that emaciated wench has got to go.”
“I was trying to do the right thing. I know that you were worried about her and I thought you’d feel better if you actually met her. I want you to know that I wasn’t trying to hide you and Jonah from her. I know she made you mad, but sometimes she says stuff without thinking. She didn’t mean anything by it.”
“First you lied to me about not seeing her anymore. Then you invite her to my son’s birthday party behind my back. And now you’re going to stand there and defend her after the way she just talked to me. You have got five seconds to get that woman out of this damn house.”
He had the nerve to puff his chest out, like he was going to show me who wore the pants. “This is my house. You can’t tell me who I can or can’t invite.”
“If you don’t get her out of here, the both of you will be sorry.”
“What are you gonna do?”
“Do you remember what happened the last time you brought another woman around this house?”
Justin’s eyes started darting around, looking at all the heavy and sharp objects that were in the kitchen. Visions of his broken foot must have started dancing in his head, because he took his sorry ass out to the living room and hustled that broke down heifer out the door.
******************************************************************************
Four or five hours must have passed before Justin came storming back into the house. I lit into him before he barely got in the door. “How could you just disappear like that on Jonah’s birthday? Where the hell have you been?”
“I needed some time to cool down. I can’t believe that you embarrassed me like that.”
“You think I embarrassed you? You’re the one that brought your latest trick into what is supposed to be our home, but you think I embarrassed you? That’s a good one Justin.”
“How many times do I have to say it? I have not had sex with her, I don’t want to have sex with her, but. . .” He stopped short like he didn’t want to finish his thought.
“But what? Don’t censor yourself on my account. Say whatever it is that you were going to say.”
“I haven’t had sex with her, but it’s not for lack of trying on Cameron’s part. She’s made it pretty clear to me that she’s down for whatever. But I told her that there wasn’t going to be any of that going on. I’m trying to respect you and this relationship, but if I had known that you were going to be this much of a bitch about the whole thing, I might as well have fucked her. If I’m going to do the time, I should have done the crime.”
“I can’t believe you’re saying that to me.”
“Well, it’s true.”
“Why do you treat me this way? You tell me that you’re trying to be respectful of me and this relationship, but nothing could be further from the truth. You obviously have absolutely no respect for me. If you did, you would have never brought that woman into this house.”
“I told you why I brought her here. I thought if you met her, you’d feel less threatened by her.”
“Threatened? I’m not threatened by that flat faced bitch.”
“Yes you are. If you weren’t threatened and jealous you wouldn’t be acting this way.”
“You know what? Maybe I am threatened. But why wouldn’t I be? You haven’t even told your own mother about me and Jonah, but you told Cameron. You just met her and you feel comfortable enough to share things with her. How is that supposed to make me feel, Justin?”
“I told you that I’m going to tell my mother.”
“When, Justin? We were supposed to go to Tennessee this month and this is the thirtieth. The month is up. And whenever I try to ask you when we’re going you just brush me off. What happened Justin? I felt like we were doing okay and then suddenly you won’t talk to me. You won’t touch me. You’re spending all your free time with some other woman and I just don’t understand why. Did I do something wrong?” I knew that I was starting to sound desperate, but that’s because I was.
“There’s nothing wrong.” I could tell by the tight set of his jaw that he was lying.
“If there isn’t anything wrong, then why won’t you talk to me?”
“I guess I just don’t have anything to say to you.”
There was a finality in his tone that hit me like a punch to the stomach. “You don’t have anything to say to me? Then how can we stay together? How can we get married if . . .”
And that’s when he lowered the final bomb on me. “Hold up, Kay. Who said anything about us getting married?”
“What are you talking about? You asked me to marry you.”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Yes, you did. You got down on your knee and asked me to marry you.”
“No,” he repeated, “I didn’t.”
“Then what the hell is this?” I waved my ring in front of his face.
“That was just a Christmas gift.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “No. You proposed to me.”
“I asked you to forgive me. I asked you to stay with me. But I never asked you to marry me.”
“But, I thought. . .I thought you said that. . .” I was confused, but as I thought back to the conversation we’d had on Christmas, I realized that he hadn’t actually asked me to marry him. I’d just heard what I’d wanted to hear.
“You sneaky son of a bitch.”
“Don’t be mad at me because you misinterpreted what I said.”
He had played me big time. I could even really be mad. I’d let myself walk into another one of his traps with my eyes wide open. “You’re pathetic, you know that?”
“But you keep hanging around and putting up with me, so which one of us is more pathetic?”
“I guess that would be me. But this is where it ends Justin. I’m not going to live like this. I’m not going to hang around, letting you treat me however you see fit.”
“Why are you always trying to assume the role of victim? Why is it always about what I’ve done to you?”
“Because I’ve never done anything to you.”
“Yeah, right.” He pulled his car keys out of his pocket. “I’m really not trying to hear any more of this shit tonight.” Then he turned around and headed for the door.
“Wait a minute. Where do you think you’re going?”
“I’m going out. Maybe you will have gotten yourself together by the time I get back.”
Suddenly a vision of my future flashed in front of my eyes and all I saw was a continuous loop of me and Justin having this same argument. Year after year. The names would change but the game would be the same. “If you walk out that door, Jonah and I won’t be here when you get back.”
Justin stopped in his tracks and came back to me. “You’re not going anywhere.” He said it with absolute confidence. Like he just knew that he had me on lockdown.
“How can you be so sure?”
“You’ve played that bluff already. You claimed you were leaving me six months ago and you didn’t do it then, why should I believe that you’ll do it now?”
“I didn’t leave because you got down on your knees and begged me not to. I didn’t leave because I thought you could change, but I don’t think you can. I don’t know what happened to make you so damaged, but I don’t think you’re capable of loving anybody but yourself. You’ve been stringing me along and wasting my time, but I’m not going to put up with it anymore.”
“Yes you will.” His arrogance had gone straight up into the stratosphere. “I can leave this house and stay gone all damn night if I want to and you will be right here when I get back.”
“No, I won’t.”
“Really? Where are you gonna go? You don’t have a job and you don’t have any money. All you have is a bank account that I can have frozen and credit cards that I can cancel. I could have that jeep reported stolen before you even made it halfway down the driveway. You can’t leave me and you know it.”
He had me stumped with that one. I had no money. Nothing I had was in my name. I didn’t have anything of my own. I dropped my gaze to the floor.
“That’s what I thought.” I wouldn’t look him in the face, but I didn’t have to. I could hear his cocky smirk. Without another word, he turned on his heel and went right out the door.
I collapsed onto the sofa and held my head in my hands. I felt like my world had been completely turned upside down. I had allowed myself to become completely dependent on Justin and there was a very limited number of people that I could turn to. Rachel was not speaking to me at the time. After I had promised her that I was leaving Justin and then I didn’t do it, she got so angry with me that she stopped returning my phone calls. My mother would have only told me that I was overreacting and that I needed to give Justin the benefit of the doubt. And I certainly wasn’t about to ask my father for anything. I couldn’t depend on him to spit on me if I was on fire.
But I had to salvage some of my self respect. I knew that if I was still sitting in that house when Justin got back, he would respect me less than he already did and I would have absolutely no respect for myself. So I picked up the phone and called the only person that I knew would come no matter what.
JC was there in less than thirty minutes.
******************************************************************************
I put Jonah to bed in the crib where JC’s nephew slept when he came to visit then I went downstairs to the kitchen. JC was already sitting at the table with two cups of tea.
“Thanks for coming to get me and Jonah.”
“You don’t have to thank me for that. Have you given any thought to what you’re going to do now?”
“I don’t really have a clue.”
“You’re welcome to stay here as long as you want.”
It was a tempting offer, but a bad idea for more reasons than one. First of all, my relationship with JC had already started drifting into forbidden territory. And second of all, I knew it would only be a matter of time before Justin showed up. He wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, but I knew it wouldn’t take him long to figure out where I was.
“I think I want to go back to Atlanta. I’ve never really felt comfortable out here anyway. I don’t really have anybody in LA.” JC looked away from me and I could tell that I had hurt his feelings.
I reached across the table and placed my hand on top of his. “I meant, no one except for you. You’ve been so good to me, but I want to go home.”
“I understand. But what are you going to do once you get to Atlanta?”
“I have Rachel. I know she’s mad at me, but she’ll help me once she figures out that I’m not with Justin anymore.”
“Are you really not going to be with him anymore?”
“I can’t be. I can’t keep letting him treat me the way he does. I can’t go back to him.”
“Okay. Let me know when you’re ready to go and I’ll arrange my schedule so that I can go to Atlanta with you.”
“You don’t need to do that.”
“I want to. I’ll feel better if I know that you’re settled.” JC was quiet for a minute. “Do you have any money, Kay?”
“No. Justin threatened to cut me off if I left him. I don’t think he’d let Jonah go without just to spite me, but I don’t know.”
“Don’t worry about Justin. I’ll make sure that you and Jonah have whatever you need. You don’t ever have to want for anything.”
“I can’t take your money, JC.”
“You can and you will.”
“I’ll pay you back. Every dime.”
“You don’t have to, but if it makes you feel better, you can. When you get back on your feet you can pay me back a little bit at a time.”
“Okay.”
JC slid his hand out from under mine. “Alright. I’m going to bed now. You should try to get some rest too.” He pushed away from the table and started to leave the room, but I grabbed his hand.
I stood up and wrapped my arms around his waist. My face was buried against his chest. He slowly brought his arms around me, letting his hands rest against the small of my back. I raised up onto my tiptoes and kissed his jaw. He held me tightly and I felt peaceful for the first time in hours. Until I heard the knocking. And the yelling. And the cursing.
Justin was banging on the door like a nut. “Open the fucking door.”
The sound of Justin’s voice caused a ripple of fear and guilt to run through me. I jumped away from JC as though Justin could see us through the door.
JC looked at me. “What do you want me to do? I can have him removed from the property.” JC seemed almost gleeful at the thought of calling the police on Justin, but I knew what kind of scene that would have caused.
“Just open the door. If I don’t talk to him now, he’ll just come back. I want to get this over with right now.”
“Okay.” JC brushed the back of his hand across my cheek. “Whatever you want.” He headed to the door and I followed closely behind him.
As soon as the door was opened, Justin started screaming at me. “You proved your point, Kay. Now I want you to get Jonah and wait for me in the car.” I had never seen Justin look so angry before. I didn’t know what he was capable of doing and I really didn’t want to involve JC any further.
I stepped back, away from JC, but he loosely wrapped his hand around my wrist. “You don’t have to do what he says.”
Justin stepped further into the living room, until he was nose to nose with JC. “You need to stay out of this.”
Justin was staring at JC and waiting for him to back down, but he didn’t. “This is my house. You can’t come in here yelling at Kay and pushing her around.”
Justin continued to stare JC down, but he talked to me. “Kayla, you’ve got about five seconds to get my son so we can get the hell out of here.”
“I’m not going anywhere with you right now, Justin. You need to go home and calm down.”
“I’m not leaving without you.”
I had never seen Justin so angry before. I didn’t know if it would be worse to go with him or worse to stay with JC. I was tired and confused. Even though I tried to hold it in, I couldn’t control the tears that sprang up in my eyes.
Justin brushed past JC and came to me. “I’m sorry Kay. I’m sorry for everything. Just get Jonah and come home with me, please.” Justin put his hand on the curve of my jaw and tilted my head up toward him. “Please, let’s just go home.”
I suppose that JC could tell that I was letting my guard down. “Don’t let him talk you into anything. You don’t have to go with him. You can stay here. I’ll take care of you.”
I didn’t think that Justin could possibly get anymore ticked off, but he did. “Who the fuck do you think you are? Kayla is not yours to take care of. Why are you always trying to get in the middle of our business?”
“You’re the one that put me in the middle of your business to start with. If you knew how to be a man and take care of Kayla the right way, she wouldn’t have come to me.”
The thing that happened next, happened so fast that I didn’t see it coming. Apparently JC didn’t see it coming either. If he had, he probably would have ducked. I never even saw him raise his arm, but the next thing I knew, Justin had punched JC in the jaw. Both Justin and JC seemed to be in shock. Justin could not believe that he’d hit JC and JC could not believe that he’d been hit. They had argued before, but this was the first time that it had ever turned physical.
I could just look at Justin and tell that he was sorry. But the apology that was forming on his lips never got a chance to be heard, because JC busted Justin dead in the mouth. It was on then. Justin pushed JC. JC pushed Justin and the next thing I knew they were rolling around on the floor and punching each other in stomach.
I suppose that fight had been a long time coming and they had many years of aggression and resentment to get out. I tried to pull them apart, but they knocked my behind clear out of the way. It looked like they were trying to kill each other.
JC tried his best and he did manage to inflict a fair amount of damage, but the truth is, Justin was just stronger. He was taller, broader through the shoulders and his body had more muscle. It didn’t take him long to get the better of JC. He was on top of him, pounding on JC and cursing him out. He was yelling wildly and not much of what he said was making any sense to me. He kept going on and on about JC betraying him and stabbing him in the back.
I was screaming, begging for him to stop, but it was like he was possessed. I don’t even think he could hear anything outside of his own anger. Eventually my yelling alerted Eric, JC’s bodyguard. He came from out of nowhere and snatched Justin up like he was a rag doll. I knelt by JC’s side, trying as best as I could to assess the damage that had been done, then I helped him to his feet.
As Eric was dragging Justin toward the door, he called out to me. “Kayla.”
“I don’t even want to look at you right now, Justin.” I had seen a lot of unflattering sides of Justin before, but the viciousness with which he attacked JC, opened my eyes to a violent streak I didn’t even know he had.
“Kayla, please. You don’t understand.”
“I understand that you’ve lost your mind.”
“So, you’re not coming home?”
I didn’t say anything, so JC spoke for me. “You must be crazy to think she’d go anywhere with you right now.”
As was usually the case, Justin allowed his hurt to be edged out by anger. “Fine, Kayla. You want to be with this jackass, you go right ahead. But this is it for us Kay. If you stay here with him, we’re done.”
“Justin, I don’t care if I ever see you again.”
Justin let his gaze drift from me to JC. “Fuck both of y’all.” He jerked himself out of Eric’s grasp and left. ******************************************************************************
After the scene that went down that night, I had to beg JC not to press charges against Justin. In the end he agreed not to, not for Justin’s sake but for mine. There would have just been too much to explain, I would have been questioned and it was an ordeal that I didn’t want to deal with and that JC didn’t want to put me through.
When I got back to Atlanta, Jonah and I ended up staying with Rachel and Brian. They had moved into a small, two bedroom house and told me that I could stay with them as long as I needed to. JC had offered to put me up in a hotel or front me the money for an apartment, but I didn’t want to be any further in debt to him than I already was.
I spent most of my days sitting on Rachel’s sofa with Jonah cradled against my chest. I knew that I had to start making plans for my life, but it was like I was in a trance. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I just felt like I was in a hole and I had no idea how to get myself out. All I could do was think about Justin. I still didn’t understand how things had turned so ugly, so quickly.
I’d been back in Atlanta for almost a month and I hadn’t heard a word from Justin, so you can imagine how surprised I was when he did finally show up.
It was a Saturday afternoon in May. Brian was out with some friends and Rachel and I were sitting on the living room floor playing with Jonah. The bell rang and when I answered the door I nearly fainted. Justin was standing there, looking worn down and guilty. There were dark circles around his eyes, his hair looked kind of rough and it even looked like he had lost a couple of pounds. “What are you doing here?”
Before Justin could say anything, Rachel came up behind me with Jonah in her arms. “Hell nah. You know you better get your ass off my doorstep. You low down . . .”
Rachel’s tirade was interrupted by Jonah’s crying. Obviously he had missed his father. When Justin reached for Jonah, Rachel moved out of his reach, which only made Jonah cry louder. She was trying to torment Justin, but she was also punishing Jonah in the process. The sight of him reaching toward Justin and crying nearly tore my heart out. Finally, I just took Jonah away from Rachel and handed him to Justin. She gave me a disgusted look and left the room.
Justin took Jonah into his arms and placed kisses all over his face. He smoothed his hands up and down Jonah’s back to quiet his crying. “I missed you so much.” After he got Jonah calmed down, he held him tightly against his chest and went over to the sofa to sit down.
I went and stood in front of him. “How did you even know where to find me?”
Justin looked at me and then looked away without answering me. But I didn’t really need to hear it from him, I already knew the answer. Since Rachel and Brian had moved, Justin had no way of knowing where we were staying. Only two people knew the address. JC and my mother. I knew that JC hadn’t said anything.
“I can’t believe that woman.”
“Don’t be angry with Paula.” Justin and my mother were just too damn tight.
“I specifically asked her not to tell you where I was and she did it anyway.”
“I begged her to tell me.”
“I’ll bet. I doubt that you had to work very hard to get the information out of her. She’s been your one woman cheering section since the day you found her.”
“She told me because she knows that we need to talk.”
“No we don’t. I don’t have anything to say to you and I’m not the least bit interested in anything that you have to say to me.”
“We can’t just leave things hanging the way they are, Kayla. You know that we need to talk about this.”
“Fine. Talk.”
“We can’t talk here.”
“Why not?”
“I want you to go for a ride with me. I need to show you something.”
I tensed up immediately. “I don’t think so.”
“It won’t take more than an hour and it’s really important. Please, Kayla.”
It could all be so simple
But you’d rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Justin talked during the entire ride. He was telling me about the tour he was about to go on with Christina Aguilera. He told me about some movie he was auditioning for. He talked and talked and I said nothing. I just watched as we got further and further outside of the perimeter. We ended up in Alpharetta, an affluent suburb outside of Atlanta.
He drove into a residential area with modest, yet obviously expensive homes. He brought the car to a stop outside of a cute little brick house. He got out and then came around to my side to open the door.
“What are we doing here? Whose house is this?”
“This is for you and Jonah. There’s three bedrooms and two bathrooms. It’s kind of small, but I know that you felt like my house was too big, so I tried to get you something cozier. But if it’s not big enough, there’s a couple more places we can look at. The back yard is fenced in and there’s space in the front yard for the garden that you always said you wanted. I thought it would be best to go with a one level because I know you were worried about Jonah on the stairs. And . . .”
He was rambling like a speed freak. “Slow down. You’re buying me a house? Is this some sort of payoff to keep me quiet?”
“This isn’t a payoff, Kay. You and Jonah need someplace to stay.”
“We have someplace to stay.”
“You can’t just stay shacked up with Rachel and her boyfriend forever. Let me do this for you and Jonah. I haven’t been much of a provider emotionally, but I can provide for you financially. So let me.”
Tell me who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will
Justin took a key out of his pocket and let me into the house. Even though there wasn’t a stitch of furniture and the walls were bare, the house was beautiful. The ceilings were high and the rooms were spacious. It was the kind of house that every little girl dreams about when she thinks of her first home. It was perfect.
“What’s the catch?”
“There isn’t a catch. The only thing I want is for you and Jonah to have a decent place to live. Just because we broke up that doesn’t mean that I’ve stopped caring about you.” Justin reached into his pocket and pulled out a checkbook. “Here.”
“What’s this?”
“It’s a checkbook.”
“Don’t smart ass me. Why are you giving this to me?”
“I started an account for you. There’s money in there so that you can get some furniture and everything. If it’s not enough, just let me know. I’ll deposit more money on the first of every month.”
“The first of every month, huh? Oh goody, it’ll be just like being on welfare. And you’re doing all this without wanting anything in return? I don’t buy it.”
“The only thing I want is to be able to see Jonah. That’s all I want.”
“You can see him.” I thought back to the scene we’d just had at Rachel’s. I didn’t ever want to see something like that again. “You can see Jonah whenever you want.”
“Thank you. Cause this last month has just been. . . you don’t know. It hurt not to be able to hold him. I didn’t think it would, but it nearly killed me.”
“It’s nobody’s fault but yours that you haven’t seen Jonah in a month, so don’t come at me like you’re all broken up about it. Besides, I’m sure Cameron was there to console you and kiss it all better.”
He flinched at the mere mention of her name. “Don’t bring her up. She doesn’t have anything to do with this.”
“I think the fact that you started fucking her has a whole lot to do with this.”
“I never touched her until after you left me.”
“Sure.” I didn’t bother to hide my disbelief.
“Why would I bother to lie? We’re over. There’s no point in lying about it. I didn’t have sex with her until after you left me.”
“Why do you keep trying to emphasize the fact that I left you?”
“Because you did leave me.”
“Yeah, I did leave you, but was I really supposed to stay and let you walk all over me? Was I supposed to turn a blind eye every time you decided to sleep with some other woman?”
“You don’t understand, Kay. I thought . . .”
I cut him off because I wasn’t interested in another one of his tired excuses. “I don’t care what you thought. None of it matters anymore.”
“Yes it does. I know how it seemed, but I wanted to work things out.”
Is it just a silly game
That forces you to act this way
Forces you to scream my name
Then pretend that you can’t stay
“And you thought you’d work things out by making me feel like shit and then coming over to JC’s and carrying on like a lunatic?”
Justin backed away from me and leaned against the wall. “I was just pissed off because you went running to him.”
“Where else was I supposed to go?”
“I don’t know. I just wish that it hadn’t been him.”
“This is a pointless discussion.”
“It didn’t have to be this way. I was going to take you to meet my family. I was ready to tell the world about us.”
No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know
It ain’t workin’
It ain’t workin’
“That’s easy to say now that it doesn’t matter anymore. But you know what? I don’t give two shits about meeting your family any more. Frankly I’d be embarrassed for anyone else to know what I’ve put up with. You want to hide me away in this tidy little suburb in this cute little house, that’s fine by me.”
I twisted the ring he’d given me off my finger. “And you can have back your phony ass engagement ring.” I threw it at him and he caught it against his chest.
“This was a gift to you. I don’t want it back. Please keep it.” He tried to put it back in my hand, but I snatched away from him.
“I don’t want it. You can give it to your next trick or shove it right up your ass, but don’t try to give it back to me.”
Justin closed his hand around the ring and squeezed it into his palm. As I stood there and watched him, he started banging his fist into the wall behind him. “What are you doing?” But he wouldn’t answer me. He just continued to pound his hand against the wall. The rough surface of the unfinished walls was starting to tear the skin from his knuckles.
And when I try to walk away
You’d hurt yourself to make me stay
This is crazy
This is crazy
“Stop that.”
“Take the ring back.”
“I don’t want it.”
“I won’t stop unless you take it back.”
I grabbed Justin’s hand and held it in mine. His knuckles were torn and bloody and his palm was torn up too. The prongs and sharp edges from the ring had dug into the tender skin of his hand. I took the ring from his bloody palm and put it in my pocket. I ran back to his car looking for something to clean his wounds with. There was a half full bottle of water rolling around on the back seat and a handkerchief in his glove compartment.
I poured the water across his hand and then cleaned it up with the handkerchief. “What the hell was that, Justin? What’s wrong with you?”
I keep letting you back in
How can I explain myself
As painful as this thing has been
I just can’t be with no one else
“I don’t know.” He sounded so lost, like a sad little boy. Every once in a while Justin’s hard exterior slipped and the vulnerable person underneath was exposed. I knew there was a man in there somewhere that I could love, a man that loved me. But I was tired of trying to dig him out.
“You need therapy, Justin. And possibly some sort of medication.”
He lifted his uninjured hand to my face and stroked his fingers along my jaw. “I’m sorry, Kayla. I’m so sorry. I didn’t want it to be this way.”
“Doesn’t matter what either of us actually wanted. This is what we’ve got.” I wrapped the handkerchief around his bruised knuckles and tied it in a knot. Then I let his hand go, to fall lifelessly by his side.
“I don’t want her.” He blurted this information out as though it would make the slightest bit of difference to me. “I don’t want to be with her.”
See I know what we got to do
You let go and I’ll let go too
“Well, I don’t want to be with you. Not anymore. This is it, Justin. There’s nothing here. Not for either one of us. I don’t know why you think that you need to keep holding on to me, but you shouldn’t. We are nothing but trouble for each other. You need to let me go.”
“I know.” As Justin turned his head away from me, I could see him trying to blink away the tears in his eyes. And they weren’t phony tears. He was hurting, but so was I. “So, um if you like the house, I’ll take care of the paperwork and you and Jonah can move in whenever you want.”
“The house is fine. Thank you.”
“Don’t thank me.” He sounded insulted. “I know you think I’m worthless, but the least I can do is keep a roof over my child’s head.”
“I don’t think you’re worthless.” He wasn’t worthless, he was everything to me and that was the problem.
Cause no ones hurt me more than you
And no one ever will
“Come on. I’d better get you back before Rachel calls the police on me.” The ride back was completely silent.
Care for me, care for me
I know you care for me
When we pulled up in front of Rachel’s place he caught me by the sleeve before I could get out of the car. “Christina and I are coming through here in July. If you’re all settled into the house by then, would it be okay if I come by to see Jonah?”
There for me, there for me
Said you’d be there for me
“Of course.”
“Okay.” I tried to exit again, but he still wouldn’t let me go. “I know you won’t believe this, but I did try. If I could have loved anyone the right way, I wanted it to be you.” The tears that had been hovering all day finally spilled over the rim of his eyes and rolled down his cheeks.
Cry for me, cry for me
You said you’d die for me
Despite everything that had happened, the sight of his tears still broke my heart. I reached out to wipe his tears away but I caught myself at the last minute. I pulled my hand away from him and got out of the car. I stood on the sidewalk and watched as he pulled away. Tires screeching, engine roaring. Leaving nothing but a trail of smoke behind.
Give to me, give to me
Why won’t you live for me
Song Lyrics Ex-Factor - Lauryn Hill
All Trick and No Treat by deebee73
All Trick and No Treat
October 2006
Justin’s been gone for about two weeks and I find myself missing him no matter how much I try not to. I guess having him around for such an extended amount of time spoiled me. It was nice to have someone to greet me when I came home from work and his attempts at domesticity were actually kind of cute. He would leave the odd item laying around here or there, but if I nagged him a little bit, he would clean up. The sick part is that once I got him up off his behind, he actually seemed to enjoy doing housework. He whistled while he windexed the patio doors and it was my ass if I scuffed the kitchen floor after he’d waxed it.
Even though he’s called almost everyday since he’s been gone, he’s been kind of closed mouthed about how things are going. I suppose that he would tell me if anything was wrong. It’s hard, but I’m trying not to expend too much energy worrying about him. At the moment, I’ve got bigger fish to fry.
My main concern right now is trying to figure out what to do about JC. He stopped calling a while ago and I don’t blame him at all. If I’d been trying to get a hold of someone and they wouldn’t respond, I’d give up too. Especially considering the way I hauled ass from his place like a bat out of hell. I want to talk to him and resolve this mess, but that’s easier said than done. There’s probably only one thing I could do to get JC to forgive me and I don’t know if I’m ready to go there yet.
Since I seem to be incapable of coming to any sort of decision on my own, I’ve invited Rachel over. She’s been here for about fifteen minutes and I’ve yet to broach the conversation with her. I’m afraid to have this conversation with her because I know that she is going to flip out on me, and with good reason. In some ways I feel like she’s a better friend than I deserve. My life has had more drama than the average soap opera and she has stood by me through a lot of bull, but this may be even more than she can take. Ultimately, I know that she will have my back; but this is not going to be pretty.
I watch as she rummages through the fridge and grabs a handful of grapes. She brings them over to the counter and starts munching. I might as well get this over with.
“Rachel, I need to tell you something and I need for you to not overreact. I need an honest, unbiased opinion.”
She pops a grape into her mouth and gives me a sideways look. Knowing me like she does, she can already sense that is about to be some bull. “I’ll try. What’s up?”
“I had dinner with JC a couple of weeks ago and something happened.”
“Something like what?” I give her a look and she slowly starts to get it. “Did you two fool around again? That’s not exactly news. I was under the impression that you’ve been making out with him on and off since the infamous “everything but” incident of 2004.”
“This wasn’t everything, but. This was everything, period. JC and I slept together.”
As she starts to cough, the grape that she just put in her mouth shoots back out and bounces off the counter. “What did you say?”
“You heard what I said.” Having pushed it out once, I can’t bring myself to say it again.
She starts hopping around the kitchen, doing what I can only describe as a happy dance. “Hallelujah and it’s about time.”
“Why are you so excited about my sex life?”
“Because you finally have a sex life that doesn’t involve that jugheaded jackass, Justin. Because you finally got some from JC. Tell me everything.”
“There’s nothing to tell.” Dredging up details for her will only force me to relive the whole embarrassing ordeal. For my own sanity, the less I remember about that night, the better. “We had sex. That about sums it up.”
“Oh no you don’t.” Rachel grabs me by the shoulders, marches me into the living room and pushes me down onto the sofa. “Over the course of the last six years, I have patiently listened to countless, and might I say, grossly overly detailed descriptions of Justin and his sexual prowess. Now that you’ve finally got something to talk about that I want to hear, you have got to come with some details. Spill, missy.”
I should have known I couldn’t get away without giving her something. “What do you want to know?”
“Was it good? Was he really sweet and gentle or was he freaky? Is his body as hot as I think it is? And most importantly, when are you going to do it again?”
“On a scale of one to ten, I’d have to give him a twenty. It was more sweet than freaky, although he did get creative on me a couple of times. His body is incredible and he’s very flexible. As far as doing it again, I don’t think so.”
“Why not? You just said it was good and he absolutely adores you. What’s the problem?”
“It was good, but it was weird too.”
“Weird how?”
“Well, he kept trying to look in my eyes, and he wanted to hold hands and run his fingers through my hair.”
“That bastard.” Rachel’s voice is flat and sarcastic.
“Okay, Rachel.”
“No, seriously. How dare he want to be affectionate and loving at a time like that?” She rolls her eyes to the ceiling. “Come on, Kay. Have you gotten so used to Justin hitting you from the back that you don’t know what face to face sex is supposed to be like?”
“You did not have to go there.”
“Yes, I did. Given the kind of shitty relationships that you’re used to, I can understand how JC’s behavior might seem strange, but I can assure you this is fairly reasonable. This is how guys that actually give a damn treat you. They want to look at you and make you feel special while they make love to you. It’s not that strange of a concept.”
“This is all besides the point anyway. After the way I left things, I think he’s the one that won’t want to be with me again.”
Rachel lets out a disappointed sigh. “What did you do?”
“He told me that he loved me and I hauled ass. I didn’t know what to say to him and now I just feel like I’ve ruined our relationship for good. I just . . .”
“Whoa, slow down for a minute.” Rachel throws her hands into the air. “He told you that he loved you and you just walked out on him? How could you do something like that?”
“I don’t know. It was just too intense for me. It was just sex and it felt like he was trying to turn it into something else. Something more than what I’m ready for.”
“You should have known that you couldn’t have casual sex with JC. You’ve made some real dumb ass moves, but this one takes the cake. I don’t know where the hell your brain is sometimes.”
“Why are you jumping down my throat all of a sudden? Just a few seconds ago you were acting like it was a good thing that I’d slept with JC.”
“That’s because I thought that you were finally ready to give him a real chance. But this is something else entirely. You just used him.”
“I did not use him.” I totally used him and I know it, but denial is a close personal friend of mine.
“You did use him. You know how he feels about you. Hell, even Jonah probably knows how JC feels about you. Why did you sleep with him if it didn’t mean anything to you? Did you do it just to make Justin jealous?”
“I was not trying to make Justin jealous. I wasn’t trying to do anything. It’s not like I went over there planning to seduce him, it just happened. Besides, I didn’t exactly put a gun to his head. He knew what he was getting into.”
Rachel looks at me and sadly shakes her head. “The transformation is complete.”
“What transformation?”
“You’ve turned into Justin.”
“That’s not true.” I pray for this not to be true, but I fear that it probably is.
“The hell if it isn’t. You’re stringing along someone that you know has strong feelings for you. You use sex as a replacement for actual intimacy and you bail before the sheets are dry. If none of that seems even remotely familiar, you’re deeper in denial than I thought.”
Of course everything she just said is disturbingly familiar, but I’m not about to cop to any of it. “You know what? I’m sorry I told you about this. I must have been crazy to believe that you could be objective.”
“You’re the one that’s not being objective. Has Justin screwed with your head so badly, that you honestly believe there’s nothing wrong with the way you treat JC? I don’t understand why you would rather have pieces of someone that has treated you like shit, than all of someone that worships the ground that you walk on.”
“Listen Rach, I’m just trying to figure out what to do. I need advice, not judgement.”
“I happen to think that you need both. This isn’t even about me judging you, though. My opinion doesn’t matter because you already know that what you’ve done is foul. You don’t need me to tell you that.”
“I know.”
Rachel takes a deep breath and sits down beside me. “Does Justin know?”
“Yeah.”
Suddenly, Rachel’s smile returns. “Did he shit an actual brick or did he just get so mad that his eyes crossed?”
“He didn’t do either. He was actually pretty cool about the whole thing. He says that he’s giving me room to make my own decision.”
She looks highly skeptical. “Justin said that? Justin Timberlake? Are you sure that he understood what had happened? He’s not that bright, you know.”
“I was shocked too, but he seemed sincere.”
“Doesn’t he always?”
“He said that he wasn’t going to meddle and I believe him. He just told me to be careful and to really think things through.”
“I never thought I’d say this, but I agree with Justin. You do need to give this some serious thought.”
“What do you think that I should do?”
“You know what I think. I’ve been telling you for years to give JC a real chance. But I can’t help you with this, it has to be your decision. All I can say is that whatever you do, just try to consider JC’s feelings. He’s been good to you and Jonah, and I think he deserves better than what you’ve been giving him. But if you don’t want to have that kind of relationship with him, just tell him once and for all. You should know better than anyone that having your emotions played with is not a whole lot of fun.”
Rachel stands up and grabs her jacket. “Do what you think is best, but try not to make any more of a mess than you already have.” She turns away from me and goes right out the front door without even saying goodbye.
I’m no closer to knowing what to do than I was before I talked to her, but one thing’s for sure; no matter what I do, I’m bound to make things messier. ******************************************************************************
It took me a couple of days to work up the nerve to call JC and it took a couple more days after that for him to stop hanging up at the sound of my voice. Five days and ten pleading phone calls later, he’s finally agreed to come over.
I had been trying to go over what I wanted to say in my head, but now that he’s standing right here in front of me, none of my carefully prepared words will come out.
I step aside and let him come into the house. “Thanks for coming.”
He stops short just inside the doorway. “Can we make this quick? I need to pick up my brother from the airport.”
“Is it a short visit or will he be with you for a little while?” I’m stalling. Making small talk in a futile attempt to avoid the real subject.
“Tyler is going to be here for about a week.” JC’s tone is short and clipped and he won’t even look me in the face. As horrible as I thought I felt, now I feel worse.
“I’m sorry, JC.”
“I pretty much figured that out when you ran away from me. So if that’s all you wanted to say, I can go.”
“No, don’t leave. I know that what I did to you was wrong and I’m trying to apologize. I’m confused, JC. You have to know that. You probably know that better than anybody.”
“Let me ask you a question.” JC cuts his eyes at me and an uncharacteristic smirk takes over his face. “Do you write down Justin’s bullshit or do you just have it committed to memory? Because your ability to regurgitate his excuses verbatim and use them for your own is nothing short of amazing.
“Don’t be this way.”
“I think I’m entitled to be however I want to be.”
“I know that I’m mainly responsible for what happened and you have every right to be upset with me about it, but you need to take some responsibility for it too.”
“How is this my fault?”
“I didn’t force you to sleep with me. In the back of your mind you had to know it was a bad idea just as much as I did, but you went along with it anyway.”
“I went along with it because I care about you and I wanted to be with you.”
“But you knew that it wasn’t going to mean as much to me as it did to you. I’m not trying to be mean, but that’s the truth and you know it.”
JC looks positively defeated. “Maybe I did know that it wouldn’t mean as much to you, but I didn’t think that it would mean nothing.”
“I never said that it didn’t mean anything. I know that’s the impression that you got given the way that I left things, but it did mean something to me. I just can’t give you want you want from me.”
“How do you know that?”
His question catches me off guard. “How do I know what?”
“You’ve never asked me what I want from you, so how do you know that you can’t give it to me?”
He’s got me there. “What do you want?.”
“I just want an opportunity. You’ve been wrapped up in Justin for so long that you’ve never even seriously contemplated being with anybody else. You’re constantly worried about what he’s doing and what he’s thinking. You’ve wasted years sitting in this house, salivating over every random drop of affection that he decides to throw your way. All I want is a chance to show you that it doesn’t have to be that way. I don’t really think that’s a lot to ask for.”
“No, that’s not a lot to ask for. It’s just hard for me to believe that’s all you want. You’ve already told me that you love me.”
“I do love you, but I never said that you had to love me back. You’re not there yet and I realize that.”
“I don’t know when or if I’ll ever be ready.”
“Aren’t you tired of the way your life is right now? Don’t you want to at least try to have something better, Kay?”
He makes it sound so simple. Maybe it can be simple, but I’ve just been making it hard. “I just don’t want to hurt you.”
“You won’t. We can take things as slow as you need to.” JC reaches his hand out to me. “Just give me a chance.”
I am tired, but even more than that, I’m afraid. Afraid to be alone. Afraid to be with JC. Afraid to admit to myself what it is that I really want. In the ongoing battle between head and heart, my head has emerged as the victor of this battle.
I place my hand inside of JC’s and let him pull me into an embrace. I am so tired and his shoulder is a comfortable place to rest my head.
There is no comfortable place for my heart.
*****************************************************************************
JC and I have been out on a couple of dates and it’s been going pretty good so far. I had feared that perhaps he’d be expecting me to sleep with him again right away, but he hasn’t made any advances of that sort. Being with him is nice and some drama free affection has definitely been lacking in my life. Also, being with JC hasn’t given me any time to think about Justin.
It’s refreshing to just be able to move forward. I know that my relationship with JC is kind of one sided right now, but if I just give it some time, maybe I can grow to love him. Or at least this is what I tell myself.
JC and I picked Jonah up from school today and then we went to the Georgia Aquarium. Jonah had a great time and truthfully, so did I. When we pull up to the house, I wait until Jonah gets out of the car and heads up the driveway before giving JC a hug and a kiss. There’s enough confusion going on already, no need to add any more.
I send JC off with a wave before heading up to the house. As soon as I open the front door, Jonah runs in ahead of me, almost knocking me down. God forbid that he miss a few seconds of whatever Japanimation nonsense it is that he’s hooked on this week.
I’m looking through the mail when he comes running back to the foyer and grabs me by the hand. “What is it, honey?”
“Come on.” He tugs on my hand and starts pulling me into the living room. “Daddy’s here.”
And indeed he is. I look at Justin with a question on my face and he just shakes his head. He steps close to me and whispers in my ear, “We’ll talk later.”
He goes back to Jonah and bends down next to him. “You miss me?”
“Yeah. A whole lot.”
“I missed you too. You been taking care of your mom like I told you to? You been good?”
Jonah vigorously nods his head, causing his curls to fly all over the place. “I’ve been real good, Daddy.”
Justin looks up at me to get my take on the situation. “I don’t know about that. Ms. Richards told me that he’s been chasing little girls around the playground.”
“I don’t chase them.” He states emphatically. “They chase me.”
Justin looks at me again. “I can’t really hold that against him. Being chased by women is the male Timberlake’s cross to bear. I can’t punish him for genetics.”
I refuse to even dignify that comment with a response.
Jonah tugs on Justin’s sleeve to get his attention. “I don’t like it when they chase me, Daddy. They touch my hair and try to kiss me. On the mouth. Yuck!” He sounds positively outraged.
“Promise me that you’ll watch yourself with those fast little girls.”
“I promise.”
“Okay. I’ve got something for you.”
Jonah’s eyes go wide with excitement. “What?”
Justin picks Jonah up and deposits him on the sofa. “Close your eyes.”
Jonah shuts his eyes tightly and puts his hands over them too. Justin steps away for a second and when he comes back he’s got an animal carrier. Inside of the carrier is the cutest little beagle puppy. He takes the puppy out and puts it in Jonah’s lap. The puppy wastes no time in standing up on his stubby little hind legs and kissing Jonah all over the face. Tail wagging nonstop, all the while.
Jonah’s eyes pop open and he grabs the dog into a hug. “Thank you, Daddy. What’s his name?”
“He doesn’t have a name yet. He’s yours so you get to name him yourself.”
“Really?”
“Really. You can name him anything you want.”
Jonah scratches his chin like he’s deep in thought. “Nemo!”
Justin and I look at each other and try not to laugh. “You sure? Cause once you start calling him that he’ll get used to it and that will just be his name.”
“I’m sure.”
“Then Nemo it is. Now JoJo, you asked for this dog so you have to take care of him. You have to make sure he gets fed, give him his bath and take him out in the yard so that he gets plenty of exercise. Nemo is your responsibility now.”
“Do I have to clean up his poop too?”
“Yes.”
Jonah pokes his bottom lip out. “But I’m just a kid.”
“You weren’t too much of a kid to con me into bringing you this dog, so you can readjust that lip cause I’m not falling for it.”
“Okay.” Jonah’s pout is immediately replaced by a smile. He really is a junior hustler. “Can I take Nemo to my room?”
“Of course you can.”
Jonah throws his arms around Justin’s neck and kisses him on the jaw. “I love you, Daddy.”
“Love you too. Now go show Nemo all your toys so he can figure out what he wants to chew up first.” Jonah slips off the sofa, scoops Nemo up and heads toward his room.
“Jonah that mutt is not going to be sleeping on your bed.” I get no response. “I know you hear me.”
Justin stands up and walks towards the kitchen. “You do realize that the dog is probably already on the bed, right?”
“I know.”
“Where exactly did he come up with the name, Nemo?”
“We were at the aquarium today. When we went through the tropical gallery, he saw some real clownfish and they reminded him of Nemo. I guess the name was just fresh on his mind.”
“Well, now it makes sense.”
“That puppy is adorable, Justin.”
“I took one look at him and knew that he was the one. Plus, I did a little research and Beagles are supposed to be a good breed for kids. He won’t get too big and you can keep him in the house.”
“When you told me Jonah wanted a dog, I was so scared that you were going to get him a Boxer.”
“What’s wrong with Boxers?” Justin looks vaguely insulted. “My dogs are Boxers.”
“Those dogs are ugly as sin, Justin.”
“How you gonna talk about my babies like that?” He pulls a carton of orange juice from the refrigerator and takes a glass from the cabinet. “I thought you liked Buckley and Brennen.”
“I do like them. I think they’re very sweet. They’re also very ugly.”
“I’m gonna tell them what you said. Probably bite you the next time they see you.”
“If one of those dogs bites me, I’m going to bite you.”
“That sounds a little kinky, but as long as you promise not to break the skin, I’m all yours.”
“Okay, now that we’re finished with the sexual innuendo portion of the conversation, perhaps you’d like to tell me what you’re doing here.”
Justin pours himself some juice and takes a big gulp. “Um. . .things didn’t go so well with the label.”
“What does that mean exactly?”
“I may have told a couple of really important people that they could kiss my ass. Or go fuck themselves. Something along those lines.”
He tries to take another sip of juice, but I snatch the glass from his hand. “Justin, why on earth would you do something like that?”
“They tried to make a sucker out of me. When I first got there everybody was really laid back and casual. They pretended like they understood that I’d done what I had to do about Jonah, then they sent me off to Los Angeles like everything was just fine. Me and Tim got the first single ready to go and I was looking at video treatments. Then they lowered the boom on me.”
“What boom would that be?”
“A team of public relations goons showed up from out of nowhere. They wanted to talk to me about how I was going to handle questions about you and Jonah.”
“You had to know that they were going to do that. You’re going to be doing a ton of interviews and you know that people are going to ask.”
“Of course I know that. My strategy was that I would just answer any questions with the truth and then do my best to keep the interview moving. The record label had other ideas. They wanted me to try and dump the whole thing off on you.”
“Dump it on me, how?”
“They wanted me to say that you had only recently told me that Jonah existed. I guess they figured I might seem like less of an asshole if I didn’t know about Jonah until a few months ago. Then they wanted me to agree to not be seen with you or Jonah. They told me that it would be best if the two of you were kept out of sight and out of the public’s mind.”
“It’s not like Jonah and I were going to be following you around anyway.”
“That’s not the point. I’m tired of lying. I’m tired of my own lies, so I sure as hell wasn’t about to tell theirs. The last straw was when they asked me if I couldn’t give it another try with Cameron. The reasoning behind that bullshit was that if it seemed like Cameron had forgiven me, then it might be easier for the public to forgive me too. But I don’t need the public to forgive me. There’s only one person whose forgiveness I really need to have; everybody else can kiss my ass. I tried to explain that to them as nicely as I could, but then they started getting smart with me. That’s when my language got colorful. I told them all what they could do for me and then I just walked out. Johnny called and told me that they’ve decided to postpone the single and the cd until further notice.”
“I’m sorry, Justin.”
“What are you sorry for? None of this is your fault.”
“I feel like you went public about Jonah to please me.”
“I didn’t do it to please anybody. I did it because it was the right thing to do.”
“It was the right thing to do, but maybe you didn’t do it at the right time.”
“The right time would have been four years ago, but I didn’t and that is no one’s fault but mine. Now I have to suffer the consequences. That’s just the way that the world works.”
“This just doesn’t seem fair. You put your heart and soul into your music. I can’t believe those jackasses are treating you this way. Your job is to entertain people. You shouldn’t have to justify your personal life to a bunch of strangers.”
“Justifying myself to strangers is part of the job description. Maybe it shouldn’t be, but it is.”
I’m pacing back and forth with my arms folded across my chest. “I’m just really pissed that they would do this to you.”
“You need to calm down, Kay. It’s not the end of the world.”
I can’t believe that Justin “Temper Tantrum” Timberlake, is telling me to calm down. “Why aren’t you more upset about this?”
“What’s the point? Ranting, raving and stomping around like a maniac isn’t going to change anything. Johnny says that I should just lay low and let him try to straighten things out for me, so that’s what I’m going to do.”
I’m not at all pleased about the circumstances, but I’m glad to have Justin back home. In case you’re wondering, that fluttering sound you just heard was all thoughts about a relationship with JC flying right out the window. “Did you already put your stuff up?”
Justin looks confused. “What stuff?”
“Your clothes and all the other random junk that you bring with you when you stay here.”
“I’m not staying here. I just needed to talk to you and bring Jonah his puppy. I don’t have any intention of staying in Atlanta.”
“What are you going to do? You’re not going back to Los Angeles to ramble around in that big house by yourself, are you?”
“No. I’m gonna stay with mama and Paul for a little while. I think it would be good for me. I can hang out with my brothers. My dogs are out there and I haven’t seen them in forever. I just need to be somewhere that I can relax. Besides, I promised to be out of your hair and I don’t want to go back on my word.”
“It’s not like you knew that this was going to happen and that you’d have to come back. You can stay here if you want.”
“It’s sweet of you to offer, but I think it would be best if I go.”
“What are you going to tell Jonah? He’s going to want you to stay.”
“Jonah wasn’t expecting me to be around right now anyway. He doesn’t have to know anything other than I popped in for a visit. I think he’ll be okay with that.”
“I guess.” I’m doing a miserable job of hiding my disappointment and I know it.
“I’m gonna run Jonah and Nemo to Petsmart and pick up a couple of things, then I think I should go ahead and get on the road.”
“You’re going to drive to Tennessee tonight? By yourself?”
Justin tries to ease my concern with a smile “I’ve done it plenty of times before. I’ll be fine.”
“Call me when you get there.”
“It’ll be like two o’clock in the morning.”
“I don’t care. I won’t be able to sleep unless I know you got there safely.”
“I’ll call you as soon as I pull up in front of the house. I promise.”
“Okay.”
Justin takes a step toward the hallway, then he turns back. “Don’t think for one second that I don’t want to be here, because I do. If I had my way about it, I would move in and I wouldn’t ever leave. But one of us needs to take a step back. Having me here may be what you think you want, but it’s not what you need.”
“You’re really taking this whole maturity thing seriously, huh?”
“I’m trying to.” He pauses and runs his hand over his head. “I saw JC dropping you and Jonah off. I guess you two are dating or something like that.” His voice is conflicted, like he’s not sure if he’s asking a question or making a statement.
“Something like that.”
“I thought so. Like I said, I don’t need to be here right now.”
I’m envious of the fact that Justin has somehow figured out how to distinguish need from want. It’s a neat trick.
I wish he would teach it to me.
*****************************************************************************
Who would have thought that I would once again find myself going to one of Joey’s Halloween parties? Rachel and Brian agreed to keep Jonah so that JC and could fly to Orlando for the occasion. A strong dose of deja vu hit me as soon as the plane touched down. I’m trying to focus on the here and now, but there’s no way to stop my mind from wandering back to my first trip to see Justin. It’s all so fresh and vibrant as though it just happened yesterday and not almost six years ago. I can distinctly remember the first time that Justin and I made love. I can also distinctly remember the first blatant, bold faced lies he told me.
Aw, such fond memories.
JC has been nothing but good to me, but I find myself comparing every move he makes to Justin. Justin would have done this. Justin would have said that. I’m trying to purge myself of the impulse, but it isn’t easy.
JC and I decided to do the couple costume thing. He’s the prisoner and I’m the guard. JC’s costume consists of an orange jumpsuit. My costume is a little more complicated. I’m wearing a black spandex midriff baring jacket that zips up the front and a matching pair of shorts. My outfit is completed by a pair of high heel boots that lace right up to the knee, a policeman’s cap, mirrored shades and a pair of handcuffs hanging off my belt. The final touch is a badge that identifies me as ‘Officer Goodbody’. The whole outfit is kind of skanky, but I’m giving myself a pass. If you can’t dress like a tramp on Halloween, when can you?
The party is being held at POSH Ultra Nightclub. The place is filled to capacity by the time that JC and I get there. We wander around for about thirty minutes, before finally bumping into Joey. He’s dressed like a clown. How very appropriate.
JC gives Joey a hug and then introduces me. “You remember Kayla, don’t you?”
“Uh. . .yeah. I sure do. You didn’t tell me that you were bringing anyone with you.”
JC looks at Joey quizzically. “It’s not a problem, is it?”
Despite the Ronald McDonald make up he’s wearing, I could almost swear that I can see Joey turning colors. Warning bells start going off in my head, alerting me to the fact that something here isn’t right.
“No, no. Of course not. More the merrier.” Joey claps JC on the back and gives me a big, toothy grin. “Could you excuse me for just one minute?” Joey nearly stumbles over his big clown shoes as he pushes his way through the crowd.
“What was that about?”
“What was what about?” Apparently, JC is just as adept at playing dumb as Justin. Makes me wonder if JC plays some of Justin’s other games. Makes me wonder who taught who.
“Don’t you think that Joey was acting a little weird?”
“Kayla, Joey is always weird. Don’t make something out of nothing. He was just surprised to see us together. We have to give people time to get used to the idea.”
I know that I’m going to need a lot of time to get used to the idea myself. “I guess you’re right.”
“Of course I am. Dance with me.” I allow JC to pull me out onto the dance floor. I’m looking over JC’s shoulder when I spot Joey in the corner having a rather animated conversation with someone. When Joey steps to the side, I find myself looking eye to eye with a slender man wearing a black button down shirt and a pair of black pants. His only attempt at a costume is the Lone Ranger style mask that he’s wearing; but mask or no mask, I’d know those eyes anywhere.
Just like a scene out of a movie, it seems like everything and everyone else just falls away. I can’t hear the song that’s playing. I don’t even feel JC’s arms around me anymore. All I can do is stare into the electric eyes that are staring at me. He says something to Joey, throws one last glance at me and then starts making his way toward the back of the club.
I know that I should just let him go. He’s leaving, JC hasn’t seen him and there will be no scene tonight. It would be fine if I could just let it go. I just saw him less than two weeks ago and since I’m going to Tennessee for Thanksgiving, it won’t be that long before I see him again. There is absolutely no reason for me to follow him out that door.
My brain is pleading with me to close my eyes and forget that I saw him, but the rest of me is already making a plan to slip away.
JC looks at me with concern as I rather abruptly remove myself from his grasp. “You okay?”
“Yeah. It’s just a little stuffy in here. I’m going to step outside for a minute and catch some air.”
“Don’t you want me to go with you?”
“No. You stay here. I’ll be right back. I promise.”
“Okay.” The kiss he’s aiming at my mouth falls short of its mark because I’ve already turned away. In such a hurry to go where I know that I don’t need to be.
I make my way around to the back of the club just as he’s about to get into his truck. “So, you can’t speak no more.”
When Justin looks over at me, I can see that he’s already ditched his mask. The expression on his face can best be described as a mixture between happiness and regret. “I don’t want to cause any trouble.” He steps around to the front of the truck and leans against it. “You shouldn’t be out here, Kay.”
“I know that.” And that is all I intend to say about that. I go over and stand beside him. “Why aren’t you wearing a costume?”
“This is a costume.” I give him a disbelieving stare. “I’m a depressed musician.”
“Nice try.”
“Alright you got me. I just don’t like wearing costumes. Joey had to browbeat me into even wearing the mask. He didn’t fight fair either. I went to his house earlier today and he got Brianna to talk me into wearing it. There’s no way that I could say no to her.” He gives me an appreciative once over. “You certainly believe in going all out for Halloween, though. You look incredible.”
“Thank you.”
Justin takes my hand and gently pulls me away from the truck. “Stand over there for a minute.” He spins me around, trying to look at me from every conceivable angle.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m just trying to get the full aesthetic affect of your costume.” This seems questionable as all of his attention seems to be focused on my posterior.
“Are you just staring at my butt?”
“Kayla, what kind of question is that? You’re wearing spandex daisy dukes and not much else. I’m staring at your butt and everything else that I can wrap my eyes around.”
“Stop.”
“Come on now. You already revoked my touching privileges. You can’t take away my ogling rights too. What’s left to get a man through those cold lonely nights?”
“You’ve got two hands. Use them.”
“My hands will definitely come into play, but men are visual creatures. I’m just trying to store up some images to help me along.”
“Ugh.” I give him a look of mock disgust “You’re a freak.”
A devilish grin streaks across his face. “You would know.”
“Is this an appropriate conversation for us to be having?”
He ponders this for a second, before shrugging his shoulders. “Probably not. But inappropriate conversations are pretty much the cornerstone of this relationship.”
“That’s true.” Inappropriate conversations, inappropriate actions and inappropriate feelings. Our relationship is one big ball of impropriety. “What are you doing here anyway? I thought you were in Millington.”
“I was, but I was talking to Joey about everything that’s been going on and he thought it might do me some good to get out of the house. He didn’t tell me that JC was going to be here. He was planning a surprise reunion for us. He thinks that if JC and I just sit down and talk things over, we’ll magically turn into best friends again.”
“I didn’t know Joey was that naive.”
“Well, he is. I know he meant well, but he didn’t know that JC was bringing you and that kind of threw a monkey wrench in his plans. When he told me that you two were here, I decided it would be best for me to leave. I don’t want. . .” Justin stops talking and looks at me. “What are you doing?”
“I’m trying to take a little pressure off.” All the while that Justin’s been talking, I’ve been hopping from one foot to the other. These boots may be cute but they are pinching the hell out of my feet. “These boots are killing me.”
Justin lifts my leg up and examines my choice of footwear. “Of course they are. You know that you shouldn’t wear anything that narrow. You’re gonna be hopping tomorrow.”
“I know.”
“Why don’t you give those stompers a rest?” With absolutely no warning, Justin picks me up and deposits me on the hood of his truck. Is it wrong that a thrill rushed through me when he did that? Ridiculous question, I know.
“I can’t sit up here. These shorts are kind of slippery. I’m likely to slide right off.”
He stands directly in front of me and rests his hands on either side of my body. “I won’t let you fall.”
Talk about inappropriate. I know good and well that I shouldn’t be this close to Justin. He’s looking at me with a sly little grin on his face. I am very familiar with this look. This is the patented Timberlake “I want some” look. He’s well aware of the fact that he won’t be getting none, but still the way he’s eyeing me is causing impure thoughts to race through my head. I curse myself internally for allowing him to still have this kind of affect on me. “Can you please stop giving me that look?”
“What look?” Knowing that he’s getting to me just makes his smile brighter.
“You know exactly what I’m talking about.”
“I don’t mean to stare. I’m just wondering what sort of offense I’d need to commit to get you to slap those cuffs on me, Officer Goodbody.”
“Don’t make fun. This badge came with the costume. It’s not like I made the name up myself.”
“It’s not like it’s false advertising either.”
“You can’t turn off the flirting, can you?”
“I can, it’s just not that easy when I’m around certain people.” He straightens up, thereby creating a little more space between us. “So, what’s your man supposed to be?”
It would be a waste of breath for me to say that JC is not my man. “I’m the policewoman, he’s the convict. I would have thought that the orange jumpsuit was a dead giveaway.”
“He just looks like a big ass creamsicle to me.” Justin is barely able to contain his smart assed tone.
“What happened to all your new found maturity?”
“Rome wasn’t built in a day and let’s be honest, there’s a lot worse things I could have said. After all, you and the creamsicle did kind of ruin my plans for the night.”
“Sorry about that. Where are you going to go now?”
“I don’t know. I’m certainly not looking forward to spending the rest of the night sitting in a hotel room by myself. Maybe I’ll just drive around for a while. I like driving at night. It’s peaceful.”
“Yeah, it is. Remember when Jonah was a baby and he couldn’t sleep so we’d put him in the car and go for a drive?”
“You’d sit in the back with him until he fell asleep then you’d crawl into the front with me. And we’d just drive. It felt like the three of us were the only people in the world. Everything seemed so perfect.”
“It was always perfect when it was just us. It was integrating us into the rest of the world that was the problem.”
“That’s true.” Suddenly, Justin reaches out and zips up my jacket.
“Why did you do that?”
“You’re shivering. I assume that’s because you’re cold.”
I am shivering and it doesn’t have anything to do with the weather. We’re in Orlando for goodness sakes. There’s not even a breeze. But pretending to be cold is better than admitting the truth. “I am a little chilly. Thank you.”
“You ought to be freezing.” Justin smiles at me and whatever moment we were sharing has officially passed. “You’re damned near naked.”
“I am not.” I smack his chest. “This outfit is meant to be worn indoors. It’s not for hanging out in drafty parking lots with gentlemen of questionable intent.”
He arches an eyebrow at me. “Is that what I am?”
“Not so much the gentleman part.”
“That went right through my heart.” Our laughter subsides and then Justin looks at me. Really looks at me in that way he has that makes me feel like I’m all that he can see. “We shouldn’t be doing this.”
“We’re not doing anything.”
“Yes we are. I can’t put a name to it, but whatever it is, we probably shouldn’t be doing it at all. We definitely shouldn’t be doing it while you’re on a date with someone else.” My heart jumps as he puts his hands on my hips and lifts me off the hood. He holds me tightly against him and my body slowly slides down the front of his as my feet seek the ground.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m doing what I should have done in the first place. I’m leaving.”
I’m using every remaining bit of common sense I have to stop myself from telling Justin that I want to leave with him. Dumb as it may be, if he asked me to get in this truck with him and just drive around all night, I would do it and not even think twice.
Dangerous words are on the tip of my tongue, but then I hear a voice cut through the still night air.
“What the hell is this?” I step away from Justin and see JC stalking across the parking lot in long strides. Once he reaches me, he grabs my hand and snatches me to his side so fast that I stumble on my stiletto heels. “What are you doing here?”
Justin does his best to arrange his features into a mask of pleasantness, but it’s not really working. “Joey didn’t tell me that you were going to be here. I never would have come if I’d known.”
“That makes two of us.”
“I’m not trying to get into anything with you. I just want to get the hell out of here. So if you would get out of my way, I’ll be going.”
Justin makes a move for the driver’s side of his truck, but JC won’t let him pass. “You show up from out of nowhere, drag Kayla outside and who knows what you would have done if I hadn’t come out here. Now you think you can just run away without explaining yourself. How typical.”
“First of all, I didn’t have to drag Kayla any damn where. She . . .” Justin stops, and takes a deep breath. “Get out of my way.”
“Why don’t you make me get out of your way?” The minute that Justin tries to start acting like an adult, JC decides to be a jackass. It’s like they’re taking turns.
“JC, stop it.” I try to pull JC back towards the club, but he refuses to budge. “If he wants to leave just let him go.”
Justin steps toe to toe with JC and stares him down. “That’s good advice and you really ought to take it.”
“I’ve told you before. I’m not afraid of you.”
“You should be. I beat your ass before and I wouldn’t mind doing it again, but I’m trying not to go there with you. I don’t want to embarrass Kayla by acting like a fool out here. You ought to have the same amount of respect.”
JC lets out an incredulous snort. “I’m not going to let you lecture me on respect.”
“Do you really want to do this now? If you keep pushing me, I’m not going to keep biting my tongue.”
“Like I give a damn.” JC is trying to give off an air like he doesn’t care about what Justin might say, but he’s looking awfully shifty all of a sudden. “Say whatever you want to say.”
“You sure about that? Are you sure you want to have the conversation that we need to have with Kayla standing right here? I don’t mind, if you don’t. It’s long overdue anyway.”
“Anything you say about me, will only make you look worse.”
“I couldn’t look any worse. Kayla already knows that I’m crazy, you on the other hand have your image to preserve, Saint JC. But like I said, if you want to go there, let’s do it.”
JC is so mad that his whole face is red. I can tell that he wants to say something else, but he doesn’t. He finally steps aside and lets Justin pass.
“Full of shit, as usual.” Justin tosses one more look my way before getting in his truck. I stand there and watch as he pulls out of the parking lot. When I turn back to JC, he’s still huffing and puffing. “What was that about?”
“Nothing.”
“You can’t really expect for me to believe that. If it was nothing, why did you back down? What were you afraid for him to say in front of me?”
“Justin was just blowing smoke the same way that he always does. I let it go because it wasn’t worth it to stand here and argue with him. But let’s not confuse the subject. The real issue is what were you doing out here with him?”
“We were just talking.”
“Since when does talking require that he have his hands all over you?”
“You’re exaggerating and overreacting.”
“No, I’m not. You’re supposed to be here with me, but you disappear for half an hour and I find you standing out here in the dark with Justin.”
“I don’t see what the big deal is.”
“The big deal is the fact that you have absolutely no self control when it comes to Justin. When has it ever taken much more than a little talking for him to get you out of your clothes and flat on your back?”
I can tell that JC regrets what he just said, but that makes absolutely no difference to me. “I want to leave now.”
“Kayla, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t mean it.”
“You said it because you meant it. Don’t try to back peddle on it now. Are you going to take me back to your house so that I can get my things or do I need to call a cab?”
******************************************************************************
JC spends the entirety of our ride to the house apologizing to me, but my ears are officially closed. As soon as we get into the house, I call a cab then I go right upstairs and start throwing my things into a suitcase.
JC hovers in the doorway, watching me as I pack. “Kayla, please. I said that I was sorry.”
I don’t even bother to throw a glance in his direction. “Not good enough.”
“I can’t believe that you’re this upset. Justin has said much worse things to you and you don’t even bat an eye.”
“If your only goal is to be not quite as nasty as Justin, you’ve set your sights way too low. Besides, this doesn’t have anything to do with him.”
“Yes it does. It always does. We were having a good time, but then he shows up and suddenly you want to leave.”
“You seem to be forgetting the part where you insulted me.”
“I’ve apologized a dozen times. What more do you want from me?”
“The only thing I want right now is to get out of here.”
“Please, don’t leave like this. Isn’t there anything that I can do to get you to stay?”
I slam my suitcase shut and turn to face him. “Yeah, there is. Tell me what Justin was talking about. What is it that you don’t want him to tell me?”
“There isn’t anything to tell.” JC has never had a problem meeting my eyes before, but suddenly, his gaze is fixed to a point just above my left shoulder. “I don’t know what he’s trying to insinuate, but I’ve never done anything.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Just because Justin lies to you, that doesn’t mean that I’m the same way. Don’t judge me by his mistakes.”
“Don’t try to use Justin’s dishonesty to weasel your way out of telling me the truth. I am already well aware of his lies. I’m trying to find out about yours.”
“Can’t you see what’s happening here? This is exactly what Justin wants. He plants the seed of doubt in your mind and once again his bullshit comes between us. Why are you letting him do this?”
That’s not an altogether ridiculous explanation. It does seem like the kind of shady thing that Justin is capable of, but my gut is telling me that there is more to this than meets the eye.
“Maybe you’re right. Maybe Justin is lying, but all I know right now is that I want to go home. I need to take some time to think. I tried to rush into something with you that we both know I’m not ready for. Maybe Justin showing up tonight was just fate’s way of telling me that I need to slow down.”
JC folds his arms across his chest and leans back against the doorframe. “That’s the dumbest thing that I’ve ever heard.”
“And now you’re calling me dumb.”
“I did not call you dumb. Don’t twist my words, Kay.”
“Your words don’t need twisting. They’re insulting enough just the way they are.” I can hear a horn blowing outside which alerts me to the fact that my cab has arrived. “I’ve got to go.”
I try to walk out the door, but JC blocks my path. “Wait a minute. Are you leaving here so that you can be with him?”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“Did you agree to meet Justin somewhere?” He grabs my arm and swings me around to face him. “Is that what this is really about?”
“You are paranoid and delusional.” Can I pick them or what? “Now get your hands off me.”
He turns me loose immediately. “Don’t you think I have cause to be paranoid when it comes to you and Justin?”
I can feel the slightest bit of guilt pressing down on my conscience, but it’s not enough guilt to make me spend the night here. “I don’t have time for this, JC.”
“Don’t do this. You’re sabotaging this relationship before it even starts. I’m not Justin, don’t punish me because of what he’s done.”
“I’m beginning to think that you and Justin have a lot more in common than you want to admit to. I’m sick of both of you. I’m sick of you fighting over me like I’m some kind of trophy or inanimate object.”
“Maybe if you didn’t bounce back and forth between us like a human ping pong ball, you wouldn’t feel like an inanimate object.”
“You’ve got a hell of a point. Trust that I will not be bouncing back this way anytime soon.”
JC gently touches my shoulder as I try to go past him. “I don’t want to leave things like this.”
“Then tell me the truth.”
He looks down and shakes his head. “I knew from the start that Justin wasn’t going to treat you right. He has everything and appreciates nothing. Nothing I did or didn’t do changes the fact that he was no good for you then and he’s not going to be any good for you now. Why can’t you see that?”
“JC, please. Just tell me what you did.”
JC’s face shuts down and the last little bit of light goes out of him. I guess he’s finally given up. “Ask Justin to tell you.”
“I already told you. I’m not leaving here to be with Justin.”
“Doesn’t matter. One way or another that’s where you’ll end up, because that’s where you really want to be. I could pull the moon right out of the sky and put it in the palm of your hand and it wouldn’t mean anything to you because I’m not him.”
“JC. . .” I stop there, because I don’t know how to finish that sentence. I can’t deny what he just said.
“It’s okay, Kayla. We can’t help who we love, can we?” JC’s eyes are shimmery, reflecting the light like diamonds.
“I’m so sorry, JC.”
“So am I. Just try to remember that I only did what I thought I had to do. Try not to hate me.”
“I could never hate you. I know what it’s like to love someone so much that it makes you do things you wouldn’t normally do. Things that you don’t even really want to do. Whatever else you’ve done, you’ve been there for me when I didn’t have anyone else. I might get mad at you for a little while, but I will never hate you.”
I drop my suitcase to the floor and wrap my arms around JC. He lets me hold him for a little while, but then he pushes me away. “You need to leave now, Kay.”
I pick my bag up and head for the door.
“Justin is a dick.” I stop walking but I don’t turn around. I can tell by the slight tremor in his voice that JC is crying and I can’t bear to see it. “But he really does love you.”
I run outside and jump into the awaiting cab. I don’t really know where to go, so I just ask the driver to take me to the nearest hotel.
Is there anything lonelier than staying in a hotel room in a strange city by yourself? If there is, I certainly don’t want to know about it. I had told myself that I would feel so much better once I took a nice long bath and climbed into bed. But somehow I find myself incapable of doing anything besides sitting on the edge of the bed with my head in my hands. Just sitting and thinking.
I think about JC. All alone, shedding tears and broken hearted over someone that isn't worth it. I can only hope that one day he finds the kind of love that he deserves.
I think about Justin. Driving around on some deserted stretch of highway with nothing but his guilty conscience to keep him company. I wonder if he’ll ever be able to bridge the gap between the boy that he was and the man that he wants to be.
And then I think about myself. I’ve finally figured out what I don’t want.
But I’m still working my way backwards to what I do.
Walk Away Part One by deebee73
Chapter Eighteen : Walk Away
July 2003
Last I left off, Justin had completely lost his mind and I was trying very hard to get mine back. I suppose the thing that most people want to know is how Justin got me to sleep with him again. Our relationship had crashed and burned, leaving a huge pile of smoking wreckage behind. One would think that it would have taken some sort of extraordinary circumstances for me to let him back in my bed. Sadly, that wasn’t true. Pretty much all he had to do was show up, talk a little bit of shit and wait for me to give it up. The first slip up created a tried and true formula that worked every last time.
Justin & Kayla’s Recipe for Shame On It All - You’ll Be Sorry In The Morning - Ex Sex:
Ingredients
Two fools
A heaping helping of lust
Liberal dash of aggression
One bag of unresolved issues
Add a pinch of denial
A little shredded dysfunction
Sprinkle with liquor (optional, but always helpful)
Strain out all the common sense
Shake and serve
Despite the fact that Justin and I were supposed to be broken up, our bonds, both physical and emotional remained firmly intact.
We were obsessed with each other and the fact that we continued to sleep together seemed less like a shock and more like an inevitability.
It was bound to happen.
******************************************************************************
Since I had left Los Angeles with little more than the clothes that Jonah and I had on our backs, Justin had Mari pack up our belongings and ship them to me. Then Rachel, Brian and JC helped me and Jonah move into our new home. I devoted ridiculous amounts of time to looking at color swatches and carpet samples. I needed something to help me keep my mind off of Justin and mixing paint and picking out wallpaper was as good as anything else.
It was weird being in that house at first because I had never lived on my own before. I had gone from my aunt’s house, to living with my highschool sweetheart, Jeff (another absolutely hideous relationship that doesn’t even warrant discussion at the moment) to living with Rachel and then I had moved in with Justin.
I had never felt so alone before.
My mother and I had completely fallen out at that point. She just didn’t understand why I couldn’t give Justin another chance and I couldn’t understand how she could ask me to. Rachel had just gotten a promotion at the ad agency where she worked, so she was busier than before. And on top of that, Brian had proposed and they were planning a wedding for the summer of 2004. She simply did not have the time for any more hand holding.
JC would have been there as often as I wanted him to be, but that just didn’t seem like a good idea. Even back then I could tell what sort of relationship he really wanted to have with me, but at that point I still had the common sense not to encourage him.
I could have gotten a job or gone out and tried to make some more friends, but I convinced myself that Jonah needed me at home all the time. How many single mothers get the opportunity to stay at home with their children? I told myself that I was lucky to have the chance. The truth is, I was too depleted to go out. Trying to get over Justin was like trying to kick a serious drug habit. I needed time to detox and get him out of my system before I could resume anything that even resembled a normal life.
Little did I know, I would be having major relapse and I would be having it pretty soon.
******************************************************************************
As we had discussed earlier, I had told Justin that it would be okay for him to come visit when the Stripped/Justified tour came to Atlanta. His schedule wouldn’t allow for him to come any earlier, so he told me he would be over on Saturday, which was the day of the concert. He moved some things around so that he could be with me and Jonah all afternoon until it was time to go to sound check.
I was disappointed when I saw him. It was immature and petty, but I wanted him to be as sad and raggedy looking as he’d been when he’d shown up on Rachel and Brian’s doorstep back in May. I wanted some visual proof that he was miserable without me. No such luck. He was fresh and oh so clean. His hair had been recently cut, carefully groomed stubble adorned his face and a golden tan was gracing his perpetually flawless skin. He was wearing a green t shirt, khaki cargo pants and green suede pumas. He was also sporting a big ass Kool-Aid grin like he didn’t have a care in the world.
I was wearing baggy sweats, my hair was in a sloppy bun and I had practically forgotten how to put on makeup. Granted, it was nobody’s fault but my own that I’d let myself go, but still. There I was looking like who did it and why, while he was profiling like a damn model. I was slightly pissed before he even opened his mouth.
“You look good, Kay.”
“Cut the crap, Justin.” I stood aside and let him come in the house. Jonah’s face lit up as soon as Justin stepped into the living room. Justin picked Jonah up and hugged him. “You miss me?”
Jonah gave Justin a big smile and said, “No,” in the most cheerful voice. Justin cut his eyes at me. “What have you been telling him?”
“Don’t get your panties twisted. “No” is Jonah’s new favorite word. Ask him a question and he’ll say no. He doesn’t really know what he’s saying, he just thinks it’s funny.”
“Oh.”
I turned and headed for the patio. “The weather’s nice. I figure we can have lunch outside.”
Justin started dragging his feet and grinning. “You cooked?”
“You can save your sorry jokes because I ordered the food. Although I did add an extra special ingredient to yours.”
“Rat poison?”
“According to my research, arsenic is harder to trace.”
“You’re still funny.”
“And you’re still a. . .”
He cut me off and hoisted Jonah up in front of him. “Not in front of the b-a-b-y.” I buttoned my lip because the one thing that Justin and I had agreed on was that we wouldn’t say nasty things about each other in front of Jonah. Even though he was too young to understand the words, we didn’t want him to pick up on the hostility behind the words.
Justin followed me outside and got Jonah settled into his highchair. He seemed fascinated by the fact that Jonah could already hold his own sippy cup and feed himself. He made a little bit of a mess, but he was coming along really well for a child his age.
After we finished eating, I cleaned up while Justin played with Jonah in the living room. By the time I came out of the kitchen, they were sitting across from each other on the floor, rolling a ball back and forth between them.
Justin looked up at me and smiled when I entered the room. “I can’t believe that he can feed himself already. What else has he been doing?”
“His vocabulary is getting bigger everyday and he talks a lot. I think we’ve got a chatterbox on our hands. If I give him a crayon and a piece of paper, he can make squiggly lines. And watch this.”
I walked over to Justin and sat down beside him. I stretched my arms out towards Jonah and made a beckoning gesture. “Jonah, can you come here?”
“No.” But he leaned over, put his hands on the floor and pushed himself up into a standing position. His steps were wobbly, but he slowly started making his way over to Justin and me.
The look on Justin’s face was indescribable. He looked excited, proud and terrified all at the same time. He spoke to me without ever taking his eyes off Jonah. “How long has he been doing this?”
“Just a couple of weeks.” Jonah stumbled and Justin stood up to go and get him, but I took his hand and pulled him back. “He’s okay.”
Justin reluctantly sat back down. “Isn’t he gonna fall?”
“He might, but falling is a part of learning to walk. You can’t swoop in every time he missteps; you’ll just make him nervous. Besides, he usually falls straight back onto his behind and he’s got plenty of padding back there. He’ll be fine.”
After a few more shaky steps Jonah finally made his way over to us and plopped down on the floor. He balled his hands into little fists and rubbed his eyes. “Sleepy.” Then his mouth stretched open into a wide unabashed yawn.
“Okay.” It was only when I tried to stand up, that I realized I was still holding Justin’s hand. Seems like that’s when he noticed it too and we abruptly pulled our fingers apart.
Justin jumped up and grabbed Jonah. “Can I take him?”
“Sure. His room. . .”
“There’s only three bedrooms back there. I’m sure I can figure it out.”
Justin came back about five minutes later and sat down on the sofa. “Did you. . .?”
Justin cut me off. “I turned on the monitor and gave him his giraffe.”
“Sorry, I’m not trying to second guess you.”
“It’s okay.”
“Alright.” And just like that, all of our conversation dried up. It had been easier when Jonah was there because we had him to focus on, but left on our own, Justin and I didn’t know what to say to each other. Not that there wasn’t plenty to say. We just didn’t know how to say it. “Can I get you something to drink?”
“Sure.”
“Do you want a beer?”
“No. I don’t drink before a show. I get loaded afterwards, but not before.”
We shared a nervous laugh. “Of course. How could I forget?”
“A bottle of water would be fine.”
“Okay. One water coming right up.” I went into the kitchen and dawdled around for a little bit, but I was just wasting time. Having Justin there was starting to make me nervous. The majority of our time together was usually spent taking care of Jonah, having sex or arguing. Jonah was asleep, sex was out of the question (or so I thought at the time) and we seemed to be getting along fairly well. I was stumped as to how we were going to spend the rest of the afternoon.
I need not have worried though, the arguing was right around the corner.
I went back to the living room, handed Justin the bottle of water and sat down in the armchair. He looked a little bit hurt that I hadn’t sat down next to him, but he didn’t say anything about it.
He put the bottle down without even opening it. He leaned back against the sofa and twiddled his thumbs. I mean he literally twiddled his thumbs. He looked up suddenly and smiled at me when he saw that I was watching him. “Before I forget, I want to know if it’s alright for Melanie to have your number. She keeps asking about you.”
“That’s cool. I’d like to hear from her.”
“Good. Maybe that will get her and the rest of the crew off my back a little bit. Practically every female that works for me is threatening to beat my ass. They’re accusing me of dogging you out.”
My lips automatically swerved to the side. “Where on earth could they have gotten a silly idea like that?”
“I always loved that sarcastic sense of humor.” Justin finally cracked open the water I gave him and took a sip. “I need to ask you a favor.”
Of all the freaking nerve. “Humph.” I folded my arms across my chest and leaned back in the chair.
“It’s not anything big, I just want you to tape Jonah for me. It’s just been a couple of months and I feel like I’ve already missed so much. I don’t want to miss anything else.”
That seemed like a reasonable request, so I let my guard down. “That’s a good idea.”
“I was also thinking that maybe I could send you some footage of me. You know, award shows, interviews, stuff like that.”
“For what?”
“I want you to play them for Jonah. He’s still so young, I worry that he’ll forget what I look like and what my voice sounds like.”
“I was going to do that anyway. I won’t let him forget you.”
“Thank you.”
“You don’t have to keep thanking me.”
“I know. It’s just that considering the circumstances, you’re being really nice to me.”
“I’m not being nice for your benefit. I want Jonah to have a good relationship with you. I’m not interested in having a lot of baby-mama drama. That’s not me.”
“I know that.” He held his head down and looked at me from the corner of his eye. “Is there anything that you and Jonah need?”
“No.”
“Is there enough money in your account? I can give you more if you need it.”
“I don’t need money. I’ve already got plenty. The only thing I really need is something I already know you can’t give me.” He guiltily averted his gaze and for some bizarre reason, I actually felt bad for making him feel bad. We sat there for a few minutes. Not saying anything and not looking at each other.
Eventually my inner masochist got the best of me. “I saw some pictures of you and Cameron leaving some nightclub. Looks like you’re getting along with her okay.”
Justin cut his eyes at me. “If you can’t be with the one you love- you know how the rest of that saying goes, don’t you?”
“Don’t do that.”
“It is, what it is, Kay.”
“Can we just change the subject?”
“You’re the one that brought it up.”
“Yes, I did. I shouldn’t have and now I just want to drop it.”
“Not a problem.” He stretched his arms across the back of the sofa and took a look around. “I meant to tell you earlier that the house looks great. You’ve got amazing taste.”
“In everything except for men.”
He met my gaze head on and smirked at me. “I could not agree more.”
I certainly hadn’t expected that sort of response. “What do you mean by that?”
“Is this really the way you want to play it? Pretending not to know what I’m talking about?”
“I don’t have to pretend. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
He squinted his eyes and sucked his teeth. “Fine. Forget I said anything. If you’re happy, I guess that’s all that matters.”
“Happy?” I practically spit the word out. “Do I seem particularly happy to you?”
He finally looked up and let his eyes roam across my face. “Not really.”
“Then what are you talking about?”
“Just forget it. I don’t want to argue with you.”
“I don’t want to argue with you either.”
Justin sucked the corner of his bottom lip into his mouth, chewed on it for a second and then let it go. That was usually a sign that he was debating whether or not to say what he was thinking about saying. “Kay, I’ve been thinking about something.”
“I thought I smelled smoke.”
“I’m trying to be serious. I’ve been thinking about us.”
“You can stop straining your poor little brain because there is no us.”
“I know that. I also know that it’s mostly my fault.” I wanted to ask him what he meant by mostly, but he kept on full steam ahead. “I tried to make a commitment to you that I wasn’t ready to make. Obviously, neither one of us was mature enough to have the kind of relationship that we were trying to have.”
“Do you have a point?”
“I’m getting there.” He got up and came over to me, perching himself on the arm of my chair. “Just because the living together thing didn’t work out, that doesn’t mean that we have to give up altogether. I was thinking that maybe we could try something else.”
I knew I was about to hear something real extra. “Something like what?” Justin leaned in closer to me and I scooted to the opposite corner of the chair.
“Maybe we could have an open relationship.”
I laughed until I choked. I had heard some serious bull from Justin over the course of the two years I’d known him, but that mess right there took the cake.
“I thought that’s what we were having. You’ve been wide open since day one. That was the problem.”
“Can you stop cracking jokes and really listen to what I’m saying? We could see other people, but we could still see each other too. How does that sound?”
“I’ll tell you how that sounds. It sounds like you want me to give you the thumbs up to sleep with lots of other women, but you want to leave the door open so that when you get that old familiar itch you can come and knock me off too.”
“That’s not what I said.”
“Well that’s what I heard.”
“This isn’t just about sex and it’s not just about me. You could see whoever you wanted.”
“That’s a lie and you know it. You are one of the most jealous, possessive people that I’ve ever known in my life. If you found out I was even thinking about seeing some other guy, you’d shit a two ton brick.”
“I can control my temper if it would mean that I could still be with you.”
“Sure. By the way, what does Ms. Dumbass think about all this open relationship nonsense?”
Justin got that typical shifty look. “I haven’t talked to her yet, but I know that she won’t care. We’re not even that serious.”
“I’ve got to hand it to her. That old broad is hustling you nearly as well as you hustled me. You are truly out of your mind if you think that ball buster is going to be okay about you dating me and her at the same time.”
“Cameron don’t run nothing here. I do whatever I want and she doesn’t say anything about it.” I just shook my head at him. For someone that thought he had things all figured out, Justin could be surprisingly naive at times. Obviously, he had no idea what he was getting himself into.
“I’ve got news for you. Cameron is putting on an act. Giving you everything you want and letting you have your way. I bet she even gave you that threesome that you couldn’t ever talk me into.” Justin didn’t say anything, but the flicker of guilt in his eyes let me know that I was right. “She’s letting you think that everything is all fun and games, but as soon as you get good and comfortable, she’s going to lock the chains on you. You won’t be able to go to the bathroom without her permission.”
He considered what I was saying for all of two seconds before dismissing it completely. “You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, Kay. You’ve only met her one time.”
“Once was more than enough to figure out what she’s all about. But you don’t have to believe me. You’ll find out soon enough for yourself.”
“Can we please just focus on the topic at hand? Don’t you see that this might be the best thing for us? I miss you and I know that you miss me too. I’m just trying to figure out some way that we could still see each other.”
“Bullshit. You can see me every time you come to visit Jonah, so let’s not pretend that’s what this is about. You don’t want to see me. You don’t want to talk to me. You don’t want to spend any time with me. You just want to be able to still sleep with me and I’m telling you right now that it ain’t happening.” Little did I know that I’d be eating those words in the near future. The very near future.
“You’re taking this the wrong way.”
“How was I supposed to take it?” He opened his mouth to respond, but I waved him off. “I hate to disappoint you, but did you really expect for me to jump for joy at the prospect of being demoted from live-in girlfriend to catch it when you can- jump off?”
“You’re deliberately misinterpreting what I’m saying.”
“No I’m not.” The more I thought about what he’d said, the less amused I became. I was the mother of his child and he had no more respect for me than if I was some common groupie. I was sick of looking at him. “Get out.”
“Excuse me?” His face scrunched up so tight that his eyebrows met in the middle of his forehead.
“You heard what I said. Get out of this house. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. You show up here under the pretense of wanting to see Jonah and then you hit me with this off the wall shit. Just get out.”
He seemed genuinely surprised that I wasn’t buying the crap that he was selling. “I’m just trying to give you what you want.”
“What makes you think that this is what I want? How dare you come at me like this? Acting like you’d be doing me a favor by throwing some dick my way every now and then.”
Justin did what he always did when he couldn’t have his way with me. He decided to get nasty. “It is a favor. I don’t need it.”
“Of course not, Fido. You’ve got a petrified bag of bones at your disposal when you want something to hump.”
“Fido?” His voice was dripping with indignation. “So, I’m a dog?”
“Is that even up for debate?”
“If I’m a dog, I guess we both know what that makes you.”
“Say it and I will knock you clear into next week.”
“This is some bullshit.”
“You took the words right out of my mouth. Why don’t you get the hell on like I told you to do in the first place?”
“I’m going, but let’s get one thing straight. I’m leaving because I have to leave anyway. Don’t think for one second that you can put me out of this house.”
“Is that some sort of threat?”
“It’s not a threat, it’s a fact. You can’t make me leave this house.”
“Why did I think that you could be mature about this? You begged to be able to see Jonah and then you want to act like a spoiled brat. You’re disgusting.”
“Whatever.”
Naturally, it wasn’t funny to me at the time, but thinking about it now it hits me how absolutely ridiculous our arguments were. We did everything except for trade “yo mama” jokes. I always liked to peg Justin as the immature one, but to be honest, we were both operating on a fifth grade level. Two children pretending to be adults and doing a lousy job of it.
Justin stomped toward the door, mumbling and fussing the whole way and I was right behind him doing the same thing. He opened the door and I shoved him outside onto the steps. I think he was contemplating sticking his foot out there, but he had learned about that the hard way.
I slammed the door before he could say another word.
******************************************************************************
A couple of hours after Justin left, Melanie called me. Melanie Benz was one of Justin’s back up dancers. She was the one with the big bushel of blonde curls. She had intimidated me when I first met her. Frankly, all of Justin’s dancers had been intimidating when I first met them. Four gorgeous, flexible women that spent the majority of their time rubbing their behinds against my boyfriend’s crotch. What woman in her right mind wouldn’t have been intimidated by that? But once I got to know them, they were surprisingly friendly and down to earth.
I got along with all of them fairly well, but Melanie and I clicked the best. I admired her take no bull attitude. She had a quick wit, a smart mouth and never minded telling anybody, Justin included, to kiss her ass.
Melanie got me caught up on some industry gossip and then invited me to go out with her and a few of the other dancers. It always amazed me that they could spend ninety minutes sweating and dancing their asses off and then when they had the chance to rest and unwind, they went out to a club and danced some more.
“Come on, girl. When’s the last time you’ve gone anywhere?”
“I don’t know. I’m not really up to it and I don’t have a babysitter for Jonah.”
“You need to get out of the house, Kay. I know you can find somebody to watch JoJo for a few hours.”
“I’m not sure.”
“Sky’s gonna be there.” She dropped that information with a smirk in her tone.
“Is that supposed to sweeten the pot?”
“Don’t front. You know you want to see him and he’s dying to see you. Please, say you’ll come.”
“I’ll call Rachel.” Melanie started shrieking excitedly in my ear. “Calm down. I’ll call her and if she can watch Jonah, I’ll hang out with y’all tonight. But only for a little while.”
“Okay.”
“Are you absolutely sure that Justin won’t be there? I don’t want to have to deal with him.”
“I’m positive.”
“How do you know?”
“I just do.”
“You’ve got to do better than that, Mel.”
Mel hesitated before saying anything else. “Cameron’s here and he’s going to be hanging out with her after the show. The delightful Ms. Diaz is too good to party with some lowly dancers so I can assure you that they will be going somewhere else. You will not have to look at JT’s narrow behind tonight. I promise.”
I was dying for a night out. After the snow job that Justin had tried to blow over on me, it felt good to get out of the house and pretend that he didn’t exist for a little while.
I took Jonah over to Rachel’s place and she helped me get ready. She did my makeup and helped me with my hair. It had grown past my shoulders, but I hadn’t had it styled or trimmed in months. She hooked me up with a nice blunt cut and helped flat iron it. I borrowed a white beaded baby doll top with spaghetti straps from her. I wore the top with a black mini skirt that had just the right amount of flare when I moved and a pair bejeweled sandals with a three inch heel. I was looking pretty good, if I do say so myself.
Melanie had left my name at the door so that I would be escorted to the VIP section as soon as I got to the club. Everyone greeted me excitedly as soon as they saw me. It was only after seeing them that I realized how much I’d missed everyone.
“Melly Mel, what’s up girl?”
She threw her arms around my waist and gave me a squeeze. “Kayla, I’m so glad you came.”
“You were right, I deserve a night out. Especially after the day I had.” I hugged Michele and Nicole then I looked around for the rest of the crew. “Where’s everybody else?”
Mel sat down and tapped the ash off her cigarette. “Kelly stayed at the hotel. Her old ass was tired.”
“Y’all need to leave that woman alone.”
The rest of the girls were forever making fun of Kelly. She wasn’t that much older than them, but she was the veteran among that crew and a complete professional. No matter who was doing what, she always went straight to the hotel and went to bed. She would not have been caught dead hanging out a club at one o’clock in the morning.
“Anyway. I don’t know where Maryss and Eddie went. Those two must think we’re all stupid, everybody knows they’re sleeping together, but they still feel the need to sneak around. Roger is doing his own thing with some leftover he picked up backstage and Marty and Sky are at the bar.” As soon as the words left her mouth I could see Marty and Sky coming our way, their hands full of glasses.
Marty and I exchanged a lukewarm greeting. He was an alright guy, but Marty was a card carrying member of the “Justin Can Do No Wrong” fan club. It was no secret whose side of the breakup line he came down on.
Sky, on the other hand, was my boy. He was cool as hell, had a killer sense of humor and he wasn’t exactly hard on the eyes either. Melanie was convinced that he had a thing for me, but had never made a move out of respect for Justin. I didn’t know about all that, but he did seem happy to see me.
“Let me look at you.” He took my hand and pulled me up from the booth. His eyes swept up and down the length of my body and he let out a low whistle. “Justin was a fool to let you get away.”
Melanie, Nicole and Michele started coughing and making noises. I threw a nasty look over my shoulder in an attempt to shut them up, but they just got louder. Sky tugged on my hand to get my attention. “Don’t pay any mind to the peanut gallery. Can I get you a drink?”
“Vodka and Cranberry juice would be great.”
“Be right back.”
Mel elbowed me in the side as soon as I sat down. “Told you.”
“Don’t go there.”
Michele reached across the table and patted my hand. “Girl, we just want you to know that Justin is in the doghouse with us. We have been clowning his ass 24/7 about the way he did you. Trifling asshole.”
“Asshole or not, Justin is the person that signs your paycheck. Don’t get into any trouble on my account.”
Mel pushed a handful of frizzy blonde curls away from her forehead. “Justin knows better than to get buck with me. I would beat his tired, bony ass.” She probably could have done it too. Mel was a buff chick.
Nicole slammed her glass down on the table. “Speaking of tired, bony asses, what the hell is up with that scarecrow he calls himself dating? I can’t stand that bitch. She’s always saying slick shit, then she laughs and pretends that she wasn’t trying to insult you.”
“Can we talk about something else? No offense but I’m not trying to hear anything else about either one of them tonight.”
“You ain’t said nothing but a word.” Mel took a drag off her cigarette and blew a smoke ring into the air. “Fuck JT and that scrawny bitch he’s rolling with.”
Apparently Marty had heard all the Justin bashing that he could take. He slid out of the booth and walked away without a word. We all looked at each other and busted out laughing.
Sky came back with my drink, slid into the booth next to me and didn’t leave my side for the rest of the night. As the evening wore on, everybody at the table got louder, drunker and looser. Especially me. I was a total lightweight and after just a few drinks, I was like, “Justin who?”
When Crazy in Love came on, we climbed onto the seat of our booth and started dancing up there. Michele and Nicole were trying to teach me how to drop it like Beyonce did in the video and I was having a ball. Little did I know that my fun was about to come to an abrupt end and a more appropriate song could not have been playing.
Sky had his arms wrapped around my waist, holding me steady so that my tipsy behind didn’t tip over. It was all good until I heard a hush fall over the crowd. I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach, because I knew who had entered the club before I even looked. I hesitantly turned around and saw Mike clearing a path for Trace, Justin and Christina Aguilera. Marty popped up from out of nowhere and went to greet them.
I immediately turned to Melanie. Paranoia was running rampant in my drunken state and I came to the conclusion that she had set me up. “How could you do this to me? You promised that he wouldn’t be here.”
“I swear I didn’t know that he was coming.” She looked just as surprised as I felt. “You know I wouldn’t play you out like that.”
“It doesn’t matter. I’ve got to get out of here.”
“Hold on. Maybe he’s not staying. Just let me find out what’s going on.” I tried to fade into the background as I watched her go get the scoop from Trace. She knew he would tell her. He had a crush on her for one thing and a big ass mouth for another. Mel came back about five minutes later.
“Apparently, Justin and Cameron got into a fight. She got pissed when she found out that he went to see you without telling her. He told her that he didn’t need her permission to do a damn thing. They cursed each other out and Cameron hopped the next flight to LA. Justin was going to hang out with Trace until somebody,” Mel cut her eyes at Marty, “called and told him that you were here. Christina was headed this way, so they decided to tag along.”
“That’s it, I’m out of here.”
“Wait a damn minute. So what if he’s here? Just ignore his simple ass.”
“It’s not that easy.”
“Yes it is. You’re a grown ass woman and you need to start acting like it. You have the right to be anywhere you want to be. You can’t let him have this kind of power over you.”
Melanie definitely had a point. I was debating whether or not to stay, but then Justin spotted me and it didn’t make much of a difference. It was one thing to sneak out before he saw me, but there was no way I’d let him have the satisfaction of seeing me run out of the place.
Justin stood a few feet away, but the way he stared made me feel like he was right in front of me. I was waiting for him to approach me and start clowning, but he didn’t. He looked at me for a few more seconds and then his eyes went dead. It was like he’d never seen me before in his life. He stopped by our booth on the way to his and made it a point to speak to everyone that was sitting there, except for me. This was just the start of his ridiculously juvenile behavior.
Justin, Marty, Christina and Trace slid into the booth across from where I was sitting. Justin took the seat that put him at the best advantage to watch my every move while simultaneously pretending not to know that I existed. Every so often, I would look up and catch him staring at me. Once he knew he had my attention, he would lean over to Christina and whisper something in her ear, she would throw her head back in laughter or playfully push him away, then he would glance back at me to see if his antics were getting a reaction.
I figured two could play that game. I slid over so close to Sky that I was practically sitting in his lap. I kept touching his arm and giggling at everything he said. Justin was pouring glass after glass of Hennessy down his throat and getting angrier by the second. He clenched his jaw every time Sky touched me.
‘My Love is Like Woah’ pumped through the speakers and Sky asked me to dance. I grinded on him like it was going out of style. I rested my back against Sky’s chest and reached my arms around to caress his neck. The DJ must have been on my side, because Mya’s cut melted right into R. Kelly crooning about sticking keys in ignitions. I put my back into it like a stripper working the pole. Sky spun me around in his arms and helped himself to a heaping handful of my ass. By the time we got through dancing and sat down, Justin’s face was so red that I thought he was going to burst into flames.
Not one to be outdone, Justin pulled Christina out onto the dance floor when Dirrty started playing. He and Christina proceeded to put on the most shameful display of freaky dancing I’d ever seen in my life. I took a sip of my drink as I watched them in utter disgust. I started making loud and nasty comments about Justin, Christina and the dirty dancing they were doing together.
Melanie and Sky exchanged a look and then she wrested the glass out of my hand. “I think you’ve had enough, Kay.” I let the glass go because I knew that she was right. I had switched from cranberry juice and vodka to straight vodka a while back. I was straight up pickled.
After Christina got tired of backing it up on Justin, he parked himself in the middle of three random hoes and had a dance floor orgy to the accompaniment of Li’l Kim rapping about 50 Cent’s ‘Magic Stick’. I had officially seen enough. Justin’s behavior and the alcohol I’d been swilling had me feeling nauseous.
I should have known better than to indulge in Justin’s games. I couldn’t out drink him and I couldn’t out manipulate him either. The only thing I was succeeding at was making a fool of myself.
I went to the ladies room to collect my thoughts and straighten up. I dampened a paper towel with some cool water and patted my face down. I was leaning against the counter with my eyes closed, when I heard someone else come in. When I opened my eyes, Christina Aguilera was standing next to me.
Xtina’s dirrty days were in full swing and her outfit, or lack thereof, was interesting to say the least. She had on a frayed denim mini skirt that could not have been more than an inch long, knee high black leather boots and a scarf was tied around her chest, masquerading as a shirt. Her hair was black at the time and that just made her blue eyes seem almost fluorescent. She was small in stature, but she projected the aura of an Amazon.
“How you doing?”
I glanced briefly in her direction and gave her a faint smile. “I’m fine.”
“You sure about that?”
“Yes. Thank you.”
She leaned toward the mirror as though she was checking her makeup, and I thought that she was done talking to me. I reapplied my lipstick and smoothed down my hair. I was doing my best to pretend that she wasn’t standing there, which was working out fine until she spoke again.
“I don’t want him.”
I had been talking loud and clowning, but I didn’t think she had even noticed me. I decided to play dumb in the hopes that she would leave me alone. “I’m sorry, but I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
She looked at me sideways and smirked. “I’m talking about JT. You don’t look like the typical delusional groupie and you seem pretty tight with his crew. I figure that you and him must have something going on. I can’t think of any other reason why you’ve been looking at me like you want to snatch me bald headed.”
“Justin isn’t anything to me, so I couldn’t care less about what kind of relationship you have with him.”
She gave me a surprisingly sympathetic look and continued talking. “Me and JT flirt, but it’s just for shits and giggles. Me and him, we don’t get down like that. Never have, never will. He’s cool to hang with, but I wouldn’t get involved with him for love or money. That boy is a head case.”
“I don’t know why you’re telling me this. I’ve already told you that I don’t care.”
“That’s what you’re saying but the vibe you’re giving off is something else entirely. Besides, he’s been staring at you just as much as you’ve been staring at him. I don’t know what you two have got going on and I don’t care, I just want you to stop throwing those shady looks my way. You dig?”
“Did Justin send you in here to harass me?”
“Damn, chica. Do you listen? Justin did not send me in here. I came of my own free will because I want to make sure that there aren’t any misunderstandings. I don’t want to be in the middle of whatever drama you two have cooking.”
“If you didn’t want to be in the middle, you should have stayed where you were and minded your own business, instead of coming in here and offering up your opinion on things that you know nothing about.”
“You’re right. I don’t know anything about you and Justin, but I do know this. You’re going about this whole thing the wrong way.”
“Why are you still talking to me?”
“I’m trying to give you some much needed advice. Anyone with eyes can see that you’re sprung off of that fool.”
Girl had nerve and a half. Trying to read my situation after knowing me for less than five minutes. Of course she had read the situation correctly, but still, I didn’t appreciate the way she was coming at me. “Why exactly should I be taking advice from a stranger?”
“Strangers usually give the best advice. I don’t care one way or the other, so all I can do is speak the truth. If you keep letting Justin clown you and play these little head games, you can forget about ever having his respect. And if you don’t have his respect, you don’t have anything.”
Sound advice and all true, so of course I was not trying to hear it. “Can you just go away?”
“Suit yourself, chica. But you’re signing up for a whole lot of heartache.” She checked her reflection out one more time and then turned to walk away. “By the way, I gave this same advice to Britney. She ignored me too and look where it got her.” Christina flounced out the door, leaving me alone with my scattered thoughts.
My head was pounding for more reasons than one. I closed my eyes again and tried to clear my mind. I heard the door open, so I looked up. What did I see reflected to me by the mirror but Justin, strolling into the ladies room casual as you please like he was supposed to be in there.
My life had turned into a waking nightmare. One horror after the other. “I need to talk to you , Kayla.”
“I’m not interested in anything you have to say.” I walked right by him and moved towards the door. I was actually surprised when he didn’t even try to stop me, but I soon found out why he didn’t. When I tried to push the door open, it wouldn’t budge. I pushed a few more times before the door swung open from the other side and I found myself eye to chest with a big wall of flesh. I looked up to find Mike grinning at me.
“Hey, Kayla. How you been baby girl?” This fool was holding me hostage and had the nerve to be conversational. I was not even trying to chit chat with his big, goofy ass.
“Mike, let me out of here.”
The friendly look dropped away and his fierce bodyguard mask popped up. “Sorry, can’t do that.” Then he pulled the door shut.
I turned around and the smart aleck grin on Justin’s face was completely unsurprising. He hopped up onto the counter and made himself at home. “Are you gonna listen to me now?”
I pressed my lips tightly together and folded my arms across my chest.
“Kay, I’m not letting you go until I’ve said what I need to say, so you might as well stop acting childish.”
“You’re accusing me of acting childish? You have got some nerve.” I went over to a stall. My plan was to go inside, lock the door and wait Justin out. But he was way ahead of me.
“Don’t think you can hide from me. If you go into that stall, I will get down on the floor and crawl in there with you. So unless you want to be trapped with me in that tiny little space, don’t do it.”
He might have been bluffing, but at the rate he’d been putting the booze away he was just drunk enough to crawl around on the bathroom floor. “What do you want Justin?”
“I want to know what you hoped to prove by grinding your ass all over Sky. Was that shit really supposed to make me jealous? Cause if that was your intention, you failed miserably.”
“If you’re not jealous, why are you even in here? Don’t tell me that your game is so raggedy that you need to trap a woman against her will to get a little time alone.”
“Don’t concern yourself with my game, sweetheart. It’s always been tight enough for me to get whatever I wanted out of you. We’re in here because the way you’re hanging all over Sky is pathetic. You’re deliberately trying to disrespect me and I’m telling you right now that it’s gonna stop.”
“You must be out of your rabid mind. You can’t tell me what to do. I like Sky and if I want to dance with him that’s exactly what I’m going to do.”
“You like Sky, huh? How would you like for his ass to be unemployed? I’ve got one more time to see him with his hands all over you and he will walk. You understand me?”
“You wouldn’t.”
He licked his lips and gave me a slick grin. “I think we both know that I would.”
“Sky is a friend of yours and he’s a great dancer. You seriously mean to tell me that you would fire him in the middle of a tour just because of petty jealousy? That’s pitiful.”
“Call it whatever you want. I’m just telling you how it’s gonna be. Sky ain’t all that anyway. He can be easily replaced. One phone call and I can have my boy Kevin dancing in Sky’s place at the next show.”
Yeah, he meant that Kevin. “Kevin? That lazy ass, weed head? You’ve got to be kidding.”
“No, I’m not kidding and you know that I’m not kidding.”
“What is this really about Justin? Aren’t you the same asshole that was telling me that we should have an open relationship? How can you trip off of me dancing with someone when just this afternoon you said that you’d be perfectly okay with me dating other men?”
“I said other men, as in men that I don’t know. Not my so-called friends. Although, I don’t even know why I’m surprised.” He slid off the counter and came towards me. “I’ve said all I’ve got to say. Now, I think it’s time for you to leave. You’ve had too much to drink and you’re making a spectacle of yourself. You need to go home, take a nice long bath and get in bed.”
He knocked his fist against the door three times. I guess that was Mike’s cue, because the door opened up. Justin breezed out, just as nonchalantly as he had breezed in.
For all the crap he’d just spewed, he was right about one thing. It was time for me to go home.
Walk Away Part Two by deebee73
Chapter Eighteen
Walk Away
July 2003
Melanie and Nic left with me. Melanie and I were in a cab while Nic followed behind us in my car. I was way too messed up to attempt the drive home.
Mel, Nic and I said our goodbyes, and made promises to keep in touch. I staggered my way up the driveway and felt blessed that I didn’t fall down on the way. I was tired and disgusted. Justin’s suggestion that I take a bath and get in bed was definitely starting to sound like a good idea. But as soon as I walked into the living room, I knew that I wouldn’t be taking a bath or getting in bed any time soon.
I was only half right, though. I was in bed about twenty minutes later.
I don’t know how in the hell he beat me back to the house, but Justin was waiting for me. He was stretched out with his feet up on my sofa, he had a glass in his hand and there was a practically empty bottle of Alize on the coffee table.
“What the hell are you doing here?”
“I was trying to keep my buzz going, but I couldn’t find any decent liquor. Although, I do have to say that this fruity shit right here packs more of a punch than I thought it would.” He put the glass down and picked up the bottle. “Want some?”
Was that some shit or what? Offering me my own liquor after he’d already damn near drained the bottle. “Hell no.”
“Suit yourself.” Since he was drinking alone, he decided to forgo all formalities. He turned the bottle up to his mouth and didn’t put it down again until it was dry.
“You can’t just come in and out of this house anytime that you want to.”
“Yes I can.” I already knew that he was drunk, but judging by his heavy lidded, red rimmed eyes, it looked like he was high as well.
A drunk Justin was usually easy enough to deal with. A drunk Justin was goofy, playful and after a few alcohol fueled philosophical discussions, he’d throw up and pass out. Not necessarily in that order, but still, not a big deal.
A high Justin, however was a different story altogether A high Justin was unpredictable and destructively impulsive. His emotions were erratic and his senses seemed to be heightened rather than dulled. Simply put, a high Justin wasn’t nothing nice.
“This is my house, that I bought for my son. I can come and go any time of the day or mother fucking night and there’s not a damn thing that you can do about it.” I was not at all surprised that he had pulled the “my house” card.
“I’ve had enough of you in this one day to last me a lifetime. I don’t want to hear any more of your nonsense and I’m not going to argue with you. I just want you to get out.”
“I told you before. You can’t make me leave this house.”
“Fine. You can sit there and talk to yourself because I’m going to bed. Try to remember to lock the door on your way out.”
“We’ve got unfinished business, Kay.”
“No, we don’t. I couldn’t be more finished with you if my life depended on it.” I started to move toward the hallway, but he sprang up and grabbed me by the wrist.
“Don’t walk away from me when I’m talking to you.”
“Who are you supposed to be? I can walk away from you anytime that I want to because you are nothing to me right now. Matter of fact, you’re less than nothing.”
“Don’t say that.”
“It’s true. You’re not my daddy, you’re not my man and you’re damn sure not a friend. At this point you’re nothing more than a sperm donor. An involuntary one at that.”
“You can’t talk to me like that.”
“I just did. Now, you need to call one of your flunkies and get them to take you somewhere so that you can sleep it off.”
“I’m not drunk and I don’t want to argue.” He took a deep breath and softened his voice. “I just. . . . I just need to talk to you.”
“About what? What kind of foolishness do you want to spout this time? Have you decided to become a pimp and you want me to be your bottom bitch? Maybe I can be an ass shaker in one of your videos. What degrading proposition do you want to throw my way this time?”
“You know I wasn’t serious about that open relationship shit. I don’t really want to share you with anybody. The thought of you being with someone else makes me crazy.” I think crazier would have been a more appropriate choice of words.
“You need to get over that. I’m going to go out with other men. I’m going to kiss them, I’m going to touch them and when I feel like it, I’m going to fuck them. And there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.”
I was trying to make Justin mad, but the look that raised up on his face scared the hell out of me. His nostrils were flared, his eyes were on fire and I got the fleeting feeling that he wanted to hit me. I’d never been afraid of him in a physical sense before, but after seeing the way he tried to rearrange JC’s face, I was wary of his temper. He raised his hand toward me and I flinched.
Justin tipped his head to the side and looked into my eyes. “Did you really think that I was going to hit you?” He looked hurt and insulted. “I may be capable of some really fucked up stuff, but I would never lay a hand on you. Not you or Jonah. Ever. I thought you knew that.”
“I didn’t think you’d try to beat the shit out of JC until I saw it. I don’t know what you’re capable of.”
“You know as well as I do that JC’s punk ass didn’t get half of what he deserved. But, you know what? I’m not the least bit interested in talking about him right now. This is about me and you.”
Justin grabbed my other wrist, backed me up against the wall and held my hands above my head. “Is this your idea of not laying a hand on me?”
“We’re not gonna play that game. I’m not hurting you. I’m not even holding you tightly. You could get away from me if you wanted to and we both know it.”
“Get the hell out of this house.”
“No.”
“I’m not asking you. I’m telling you. I want you to leave.”
“No you don’t. You need me. You need me the same way that I need you. Cause me and you, we’re just alike. The only difference is that you hold your pain inside and punish yourself. I turn mine out and punish everybody else. But the bottom line is that we’re broken in all the same places.”
“You are truly certifiable.”
“Am I?” He let my arms go and backed away from me. “If I’m so crazy and you really don’t want me, why are you still standing here? I’m not touching you. You can call the police. You can go into your bedroom and lock the door. You can get away if you want to but the point is that you don’t really want to. You want me here. You just don’t want to admit that you want me here.”
He had hit the nail dead on with that one. Being close to Justin always confused me. He made me doubt my instincts, made me unsure of what I wanted and what I didn’t. He could say the most awful things to me with so much love in his eyes. I could feel my already feeble defenses breaking down. “Please leave me alone.”
“I can’t.” He reached toward me and traced his fingertips over my face. “I would if I could, but I just can’t.”
I was naive, your love was like candy
Artificially sweet, I was deceived by the wrapping
Got caught in your web and learned how to bleed
I was prey in your bed and devoured completely
He stared me down until something inside of me broke. In a matter of seconds, my whole body had betrayed me. My eyes wouldn’t look away. My heartbeat quickened with anticipation. Desire uncurled in my stomach. My aching center released a rush of wetness as my body prepared itself for what my brain was still pretending to resist. As a final betrayal, hands that should have pushed him away, took on a life of their own and gripped him about the shoulders. I pulled him close enough that I could breathe every breath as it left his body.
And it hurts my soul, cause I can’t let go
All these wall are caving in, I can’t stop my suffering
I hate to show that I’ve lost control, cause I
Keep going right back to the one thing
That I need to walk away from
He didn’t look as cocky or triumphant as I would have expected. He just looked grateful and vaguely shocked. It was like he knew what he wanted to happen, but never expected that it actually would. He regained his composure immediately and put his mouth on mine before I had a chance to change my mind. His lips parted and at the first touch of our tongues, I knew there was no way to stop what had been started. I had forgotten how much I liked kissing Justin. There was something about him that if you kissed him once, you wanted to do it over and over again. I don’t know if it was the lush feeling of his lips or the skill with which he maneuvered his tongue, but whatever it was I just couldn’t get enough.
I should have known that I was used for amusement
Couldn’t see through the smoke, it was all an illusion
Suddenly it seemed like he had grown an extra set of hands and they were all over me; caressing my breasts, squeezing my ass, running up my thighs and sliding down my back. He started pulling and tugging on my clothes like they were on fire. He was in such a hurry to have me naked, that he couldn’t master the complicated mechanics of pulling my top up over my head. Instead he just gathered the filmy material in his fist and yanked straight down. I heard a slight ripping sound as the straps popped. He didn’t stop pulling until the shirt was a useless piece of fabric bundled around my waist.
Now I’ve been licking my wounds, but the venom seeps deeper
We both can seduce, but darlin you hold me prisoner
My mind started sorting through what I could possibly say to Rachel to explain how I’d managed to break both the straps on her shirt. I had a feeling that no matter what I said, she’d be able to piece together how it had happened. Then I felt Justin’s warm, wet mouth close around my nipple and a ruined piece of clothing was the last thing on my mind. I couldn’t think about anything but Justin and the way he made me feel. I grabbed the back of his head and arched my back.
Oh I’m about to break, I can’t stop this ache
I’m addicted to your allure and I’m fiendin for a cure
Once he had me properly distracted, he reached under my skirt, shoved my panties to the side, and slid two fingers into the gathering moisture between my legs. He kissed his way back up my body and whispered in my ear. “I knew you wanted this.” He sucked on my neck while his fingers kept up a furious pace down below. My hips were working double time as I grinded myself against his hand.
He abruptly removed his fingers from me and I nearly cried at the loss. Before I could ask him anything, he grabbed everything I had on, the top, the skirt and my underwear and pulled it all down together in one big puddle that landed at my feet. I was standing before him wearing nothing but the heels on my feet and the dazed expression on my face.
Every step I take, leads to one mistake
I keep going right back to the one thing that I need, oh
I reached for him and starting trying to pull his shirt up over his head, but he removed my hands and pushed me back. He dropped to his knees in front of me and slowly ran his tongue across my stomach, over to my hip and down my right thigh. He looked up at me as he lifted my leg in his hand. He placed kisses up my leg, working his way inward until he reached the most sensitive part of me.
I can’t mend, this torn state I’m in
Getting nothing in return, what did I do to deserve
The pain of this slow burn, and everywhere I turn
I felt like I was falling. I only had one stiletto clad foot to balance on and nothing but the flat wall to try and hold on to. I begged him to stop, but my pleas for mercy fell on deaf ears. He simply pushed my leg up higher, allowing him to push his tongue in deeper. He didn’t turn me loose until I had exploded against his mouth and my body went slack. My knees buckled as he let my leg drop, but he caught me around the waist before I could slide down the wall. He smiled at me while licking his cherry red lips and my stomach dropped.
I keep going right back to the one thing that I need
To walk away from
I grabbed his forearms and pulled him towards me. Then I turned around, reversing our positions. He let me push him against the wall and pin his arms down by his sides. I leaned forward and caught his bottom lip between my teeth. I nipped and sucked on his lip before plunging my tongue deep into his mouth. His tongue met mine and I could taste the salty, sweet flavor of my own skin.
I need to get away from you, need to walk away from you
Get away, walk away, walk away
I reached between our bodies and nimbly unfastened his jeans with just one hand. My fingers slid into his boxers and closed around his growing erection. I massaged him, slowly at first, then increasing my speed as his breathing got heavier. I was handling him a little bit roughly, but he made no complaints. As a matter of fact, my sudden display of aggression seemed to turn him on even more.
The more force I put into our kiss, the harder he became under my touch. I slid my mouth down to his neck and bit down; not hard enough to break the skin, but hard enough to make a strangled cry escape his lips. I would be lying if I said it didn’t pump up my ego to hear him whimpering like that knowing that I was the reason.
Turned on or not, Justin’s control freak nature reared it’s head. He was content to let me run things for a little while, but he wasn’t about to let me forget that this was his show. He removed my hand from his pants and twined our fingers together. “Not like this.” He kissed me and then started moving me backwards toward my bedroom.
Every time I try to grasp for air
I am smothered in despair
It’s never over, over
We stood near the foot of the bed, our kisses were sensuous and deep as we worked together to undress him. Unlike the hurried way in which my clothes had been dispatched, Justin’s clothes came off slowly. I savored every second and worshiped every inch of his flesh as it was revealed.
At that point I could no longer pretend that I’d been caught up in some sort of sexual frenzy. I knew exactly what I was doing. I knew that it was a mistake. I knew that I would regret it, probably as soon as it was over. But none of this knowledge stopped me or even slowed me down. I let my mind have the rest of the night off and my body took over. My body had no moral objections or conflicts. My body only had memories; good memories of the body that it was pressed so closely to.
Seems I’ll never wake from this nightmare
I let out a silent prayer
Let it be over, over
I sat down on the edge of the bed and started scooting backwards toward the headboard. Justin went with me, climbing over my body, placing hot fevered kisses on every inch of skin he came across. He lingered in some places; spending immeasurable amounts of time kissing, licking and caressing.
Inside I’m screaming
By the time he got face to face with me, I felt like I had fire in my veins. I raised my legs up against his sides and lifted my hips toward him. I was desperate to have him inside of me, but he was not yet ready to give me what I could no longer deny wanting. He teased me mercilessly. Brushing his heavily swollen dick against my clit; letting the head slip into me and then pulling it right back out. I bucked my hips up against him, but still he refused me.
Begging, pleading
No more
I thought he wanted me to beg and I complied immediately. “Please,” dripped from my lips so many times that the word seemed to lose all meaning. But it was not begging that he was after. He wanted something else.
He hovered over me, close enough that his lips brushed against mine when he spoke. “Tell me you love me.”
Now what to do
My heart has been bruised
So sad, but it’s true
Each beat reminds me of you
My eyes fluttered open and the Justin that I saw above me was one that I hardly ever got to see. I saw the Justin that swore on his life that he loved me like no other. The Justin that acted like he couldn’t breathe without me.
“Tell me.” His voice more persistent and urgent than it had been before. “I need to hear you say it.” He seemed fragile, vulnerable and oh so very breakable.
It hurts my soul
Cause I can’t let go
All these walls are caving in
I can’t stop my suffering
I looked into his eyes and brought my hand up to caress his face. “I love you, Justin.”
He let out a sigh of relief and a slight smile crept onto his face. He hooked his arms underneath my knees and leaned forward, spreading my thighs as far apart as they would go and completely opening my body up to him. He thrust inside of me and it felt so good that I wanted to cry. Heaven help me, but I had missed him so much.
I hate to show, that I’ve lost control
Cause I keep going right back to the one thing that I need
He kissed me deeply, the undulations of his tongue keeping time with the smooth and steady grinding of his hips. I eagerly met him, thrust for thrust and it was only a few minutes before I was completely undone. My body clenched up, all my muscles tightening like a fist. Wave after wave of pleasure rolled through me until my entire being went limp. Justin remained inside of me until my inner walls finally ceased to flutter around his still erect member.
Oh I’m about to break
And I can’t stop this ache
I’m addicted to your allure and I’m fiending for a cure
He backed away from me and raised himself up onto his knees. He gave me a few minutes to recover before he lifted my hips and pulled me onto his lap. My feet were flat against the bed, my head was on the pillow, and my back was arched into the air. He looked into my eyes as he slid back inside of me, going deeper than he ever had before. Had me feeling brand new, if you know what I mean. He was still for a minute, giving me a chance to get used to the angle and depth of his penetration. When he did finally start to move, I bit my lip and dug my fingernails into his biceps. He had hit the bottom and was doing his best to knock it out.
Every step I take, leads to one mistake
I keep going right back to the one thing that I need, oh
Justin maintained his control for as long as he could, but I knew when he was right on the edge. I could tell by the flexing of his stomach muscles and the trembling in his arms. He let my body drop back onto the bed and he collapsed on top of me. He whispered in my ear, telling me that he loved me over and over again. His thrusts picked up speed and I gathered him as close to me as I possibly could. My hands slipped across his sweat soaked back and my legs wrapped around his waist. He came deep inside of me and I held him until he was completely spent.
Finally, Justin slid off of me and rolled over onto his back. He wiped the sweat from his forehead, while he tried to catch his breath. “You okay?”
I can’t mend, this torn state I’m in
Getting nothing in return
I couldn’t even speak. I just closed my eyes and shook my head. I was so ashamed of myself that I didn’t know what to do. I rolled away from Justin and tucked my body into the fetal position. I started to cry so hard that my sobs shook my entire body.
What did I do to deserve
The pain of this slow burn
Justin eased up behind me and wrapped his arm around my waist. “Please don’t cry. It’s gonna be okay. I promise.” He kissed the nape of my neck and drew me tighter against his body. He held onto me and tried to comfort me all through the night. He told me how much he loved me and how he’d make everything right. He did his best to offer me solace, but I continued to cry, until eventually, I had once again cried myself to sleep.
And everywhere I turn
I keep going right back
To the one thing
That I need
To walk away from
******************************************************************************
When I woke up the next morning, I didn’t even want to get out of bed. I just lay there with my eyes closed trying to convince myself that I had imagined the whole thing. I wanted to pretend that it was all just a nightmare. But the reality of what had happened was etched all over my body. My head was throbbing, my breasts were sore, all my muscles were cramped and there was a dull ache between my legs.
I couldn’t believe that I had allowed myself to fall back into bed with Justin. Even worse, I had let him go in raw. The thought of using a condom never even crossed my mind. Despite Justin’s seemingly super strength sperm, it wasn’t the fear of pregnancy that frightened me the most. He had been sleeping with Cameron’s nasty ass and who knows what other skanks he might have been tricking with on the road. I cringed at the thought of what he might have picked up and passed on. I felt like I was too stupid to live.
The only saving grace was the empty space beside me. I was grateful that Justin had the decency to make himself scarce before I woke up. At least that spared me from having the most awkward and ridiculous morning after conversation in the history of the world.
Or so I thought.
I finally dragged myself into an upright position. I grabbed my robe from the foot of the bed and started on my way to the bathroom, but the sounds of clanging pots and the smell of bacon drew me to the kitchen instead. Which is where I found Justin wearing nothing but his boxers and a big smile.
He turned off the fire under the pan that he was tending to and came over to take my hand. “I was just about to come and wake you up.” He led me over to the small kitchen table and pulled out a chair for me.
I discretely pinched myself because I was sure that I was dreaming, hallucinating or something. “You cooked breakfast for me?”
“Yeah and I didn’t set the kitchen on fire or burn anything. Pretty amazing, huh?” He went back over to the stove and then returned to the table and put a plate down in front of me. “Well, I have to admit that the bacon got a little crispy, but it’s not really burnt. Not all of it anyway. There’s also toast, softly scrambled eggs with a little shredded cheese sprinkled on top and freshly squeezed orange juice. I didn’t actually squeeze the oranges myself, but I trust the fine folks at Tropicana, don’t you?” He smiled at me again and I couldn’t remember the last time that I had seen him in such a good mood.
I just sat there, staring at the plate and trying to push down the bile I felt rising up my throat. Justin pushed the hair out of my face and gave me a concerned look. “You’re not too hungover to eat are you?”
“No.” I picked up the fork and started pushing the eggs back and forth on the plate. I had no intentions of eating. I was just trying to placate Justin while I thought of a way to extricate myself from the mess that I had created.
He grabbed a piece of bacon from my plate and spoke to me in between bites. “I guess that you and Jonah can just stay here until I finish touring with Christina. After that, I’m going to Australia. You and Jonah can come with me and then we can think about what to do with this house when we get back to the States.”
Most of what Justin was saying went in one ear and out the other. I was in a daze, trying to figure out how exactly I had ended up where I was. Slowly though, his fairytale yang-yang started to filter into my consciousness. “What?”
“I was just thinking that we could make our permanent home here in Atlanta if that’s what you want. I know that you didn’t feel comfortable in Los Angeles, so I wouldn’t mind moving here. If we do that though, we’ll definitely need to get a bigger house. Anyway, I don’t guess we need to worry about any of that right now.”
“Justin, what are you talking about?”
He leaned over, kissed my cheek and gave me a condescending grin. “You are hungover, aren’t you? I’m talking about whether or not we should sell this house. It’s not like we need it anymore.”
“If you sell this house, where are Jonah and I supposed to live?”
“With me. We’re back together now. Where else would you be living?”
“Wait a minute. Since when are we back together?”
He had the nerve to look at me like I was the kooky one. “Since last night.”
“What about Cameron?”
“What about her? I only hooked up with her because I was rebounding like a motherfucker and she kept hanging around. I’ll just tell her to kick rocks. I can murder that whole mess in one phone call.”
“So it’s that easy? You’ll just dump Cameron, over the phone no less. Then you and me will be back together. Just like that.”
“What more does there need to be?”
“Did you really think that you could dickmatize me and then things would magically go back to the way they were?”
“That’s not it at all.”
“Justin, we have problems. Big problems. None of which can be ignored or swept under the rug because we’re sexually compatible. Sex can’t solve what’s wrong between us.”
He chewed on his bottom lip and shook his head. “Don’t do this to me, Kay.”
“I’m not doing anything to you. You’re an adult, you know as well as I do that us sleeping together doesn’t mean that we’re back together.”
“Then what did it mean?” He asked the question with a childlike innocence that nearly broke me.
“It didn’t mean anything. It was a stupid mistake. Nothing more, nothing less.”
“That’s not true.”
“Yes it is.”
“No it’s not. You’re just saying that. I hurt you and now you’re trying to hurt me. But can’t you see that I’m sorry? You don’t need to do this.”
“I’m not trying to hurt you, Justin. I just don’t want to be with you anymore.”
“Then why did you tell me that you love me?”
“I do love you, but that doesn’t change anything.”
“I know that I’m screwed up and you’re afraid of me. I’ll go to therapy. We can go together. You know, couples counseling. I can be better. Tell me what you want me to do.”
The one thing that I have never been able to figure out about Justin was how someone that seemed so confident and arrogant on the surface, could have so much neediness and insecurity bubbling underneath. It was heartbreaking, but enough was enough.
“I want you to leave.”
“I’ll do anything.” He grabbed my hands from the table and clutched them against his chest so that I could feel the rapid beating of his heart. “Just give me another chance.”
I wrenched myself free from his grasp. “I can’t do that.”
“I love you, Kayla.” I can’t blame him for pulling out that old chestnut. It had worked before. Unfortunately for him, it would not be working again.
“No you don’t. You care about me because I’m the mother of your child. You like having sex with me. I think you lust for me. I think you may even have a certain amount of genuine affection for me. But this isn’t love and you know it.”
“I don’t know what you want from me, Kay. I did the best I could and it still wasn’t good enough. I love you as much as I know how to.” It was then that I knew for sure that I couldn’t fix Justin. No amount of unconditional love or understanding was going to patch the holes that were in him.
“If that’s true, it’s one of the saddest things I’ve ever heard. I guess that maybe you really did try, but this just isn’t good enough.” I held his face between my hands and pressed my mouth to his. He parted his lips in an attempt to draw me into a deeper kiss, but for once I was the first one to pull away. I pushed away from the table and stood up.
“I’m going to take a shower now. I think it would be best for both of us if you weren’t here when I got out.” I went into the bathroom and locked the door behind me. I could hear his footsteps as he passed through the hallway. I could tell that he had stopped in front of the door. A part of me wanted so much to open the door and let him in, but common sense prevailed. He must have stood there for about five minutes before finally moving on. About fifteen minutes after that, I heard him come through the hall again and he spoke to me through the closed bathroom door.
“Kayla. I’ll only ask you this one more time and then I’ll never ask you again. I won’t be able to do this again. Do you understand that?” I said nothing, so he continued. “Please take me back.”
“We’ve both made mistakes, but I don’t care about any of that. All I care about is you. Please, Kayla.” I pressed my back to the door as silent tears ran down my cheeks. He waited a few minutes more for a reply, but still I said nothing. “Please.” He pounded his fist against the door so hard that it felt like he’d hit me directly.
I don’t know how long we stood there like that on opposite sides of that door, but eventually I heard the front door open and close. I got into the shower. I turned the water on as hot as I could stand it and I stayed in there until it ran cold.
When I finally came out of the bathroom, Justin was gone.
That was the first time it happened, but obviously it wasn’t the last. It happened again and again and usually the same way. Only two things changed: Justin always made sure to be gone before the sun came up; and he never asked me to take him back again.
My refusal to take him back had cut Justin a lot deeper than I thought it would. I had hurt him and he made sure that I spent the next three years paying for it.
The thing he seemed not to understand though, was that it would have been impossible for me to take him back.
How can you take back what you never let go of in the first place?
Song lyrics:
Walk Away - Christina Aguilera
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.