I call him the Candyman.  Not to his face, not to anyone, but that’s what he is to me.  Sweet and tempting and good God do I want him.  Every morning at around 10:45, always looking the same, always gorgeous, always spotting that smirk, he’ll stroll in, he’ll smile and it’ll make me wanna come.

 

When I got this job I was wondering what the hell I was doing.  Sometimes I still wonder what I’m doing here, why I’m wasting my time and my life.  I should apply somewhere else, like an office or maybe even try to get a waitress position at a nice restaurant downtown.  At this job, I get paid shit, I’m usually bored out of my mind, and I have to deal with cranky, normally elderly customers. 

 

I need to re-jump start my life and working at Hannah’s Gift Shop is not how it’s going to happen.

 

It’s one of those jobs that’s easy, thoughtless; in fact I think I lose brain cells every time I clock in.  When I was hired I spent a day in training: a day in learning how to stock figurines and how to find boxes and what the difference was between Jim Shore and Willow Tree, Enesco and Demdaco.  These are the things I’m giving up brain cells for.  After 5 minutes of training I was already bored.

 

And then he walked in.

 

He was tall and had short, brown hair that looked like it would curl if it got much longer.  Since then it has gotten longer, and it does curl.  He had his hand in his black slack’s pocket and had that smirk on his face.  He leaned against the counter and smiled at my co-worker Bev.

 

“Heylo Beverly,” he said in a sing-songy voice, looking right at her.

 

I stared at her and then back at him as she copied his voice, “Heylo Justin.”

 

He was the most attractive man I had ever, ever seen.

 

“How’s the Precious Moments holding up today?  Still creeping you out?”

 

She shook her shoulders in a physical display of how much she hated those things.  She had already told me her theory that they were alive and wanted to kill her earlier in that day, exactly 45 minutes after our manager and owner of the small gift shop had introduced us.  “Shut up.”

 

He leaned in further, smiling secretively and talking low, “You know one of these days their little black eyes are going to blink and you’re gonna see it.”

 

She rolled her eyes and leaned up against our counter we have behind the register counter and crossed her arms. “You’re an ass.”

 

“You love me.”  He stood upright and laughed and I fisted the bottom of my new, forest green apron in my hand.  His laugh still gets to me to this day.  I fantasize about hearing it all the time, at the movies or at dinner, or at a bar or at a party, or against my ear while we dance at a club, or against my thigh as he kisses my skin and starts to finger me. “You wanna have my babies and shit.”

 

Bev put on a fake bimbo voice and sucked the air between her teeth. “Oh my god, and they can like totally get little referee shirts and be so cute, just like daddy.”

 

Until that point in the conversation I hadn’t found his black and white striped shirt odd.  When he walked in and I noticed him I had found it cute and sexy and wanted to see it on the floor of my bedroom, crumbled up with my bra tossed on top of it.  He had been there for 3 minutes and I had already fantasized about us in every position I could think of.  He was just that good looking.

 

Or maybe I was just in that much of a need of a good fuck.  It hasn’t changed; it’s only gotten worse since I’ve worked here.  Reason number 243 I should get a new job.

 

He stepped back and looked below the counter he was leaning on where we keep a nice supply of candy, name brand and gourmet and over priced.  “You moved the Reese’s?”

 

“We’re out.”

 

The look he passed Bev was pathetic and sad and I wanted to eat it up. “What?”

 

“I’m sorry, kid.  You know who I work for, she’s not all there.”

 

“How is Hannah?”  He said with a lisps.  Hannah is our owner and manager.  She’s 40 and single and frazzled and sickly thin.  She likes little dogs and figurines and antiques and she terrifies me.  I feel sorry for her and one time I had a nightmare that when I turn 40 I’d be single and frazzled and have little dogs and figurines and own a barely-making-it gift shop in a mall just like her.

 

But in that moment when Justin asked how our manager was, he also bent down and picked up a Toblerone and our eyes met.  I remember licking my lips and trying to look away so he wouldn’t realize I’ve been staring at him this whole time.  But I couldn’t move.  His eyes were blue, dark, intense, and when he licked his own lips I felt like I might crash to the floor and start having spontaneous orgasms or something. 

 

“Who’s this?”

 

He kept staring at me.

 

“Oh…”  Bev said as if she had kind of forgotten I was there.  She does that sometimes.  I don’t think it’s because I’m boring or forgettable, in fact I know I’m a pretty funny girl and I know how to have a good time.  Bev just always seems to be thinking five things at once.  “This is Jess, she’s new.  I’m training her.  I think this one might last a week.”

 

Justin laughed and I realized I was on the outside of some joke that might possibly be about me.  “What?”  I said.  I meant for it to be girly and kind of ditzy, but it came out loud and a little harsh.

 

And I mortified myself.  I remember going on lunch break that day and cursing myself for being so awkward.

 

Bev passed me a sympathetic look and waved her hand at me as she rang him up. “I’m teasing girl.  I know this place is boring, but hell you get to work with me!”

 

He took his Toblerone bar, reached over the counter and tapped Bev on the head with it.  I was so jealous of her then.  She passed him a look like he was crazy and he laughed and said, “Well I gotta go since you don’t have my Reese’s.  I’ll have to walk all the way to SweetEscape and have to deal with their bad attitude and I’ll have to speed walk back to the store and look like a loser ‘cause you know my staff is mentally challenged.”

 

I knew he wasn’t going to the other candy shop.  I knew then that whenever we wouldn’t have Reese’s he’d go for a Toblerone, more expensive and less satisfying. But in this moment I found it adorable and sexy that he could put a dorky image in our heads of him speed walking with a stern look on his face back to his store.  It turned me on that he was able to make fun of himself and that he was that in love with Reese’s cups.

 

“You should use that whistle and keep them in line,” Bev had said.

 

I’ll never forget how he looked down at his chest and picked up his whistle and pouted.  He looked at Bev with big eyes and sniffed.  And then brought the whistle to his lips and let out a loud clear noise.  I had gasped, “Oh my god…” and then covered my mouth because I felt like a moron for being shocked by his little action.  A lady that was over by some Beanie Babies had glared at all of us at the loud noise but I don’t think any of us cared, especially me.

 

He was looking at me in that moment, eyebrows a little narrowed, and this curious look on his face.

 

He dropped the whistle as Bev laughed at him and he waved at us with his bar of candy and smiled. “Later girls…nice meeting you Jess.”

 

He winked at me.  And I immediately remembered my conversation with my brother the night before about how winking was the lamest, stupidest thing a guy could ever do to try to flirt with a woman.

 

And here I was ready to run and tackle that man to the floor and rip his clothes off and ride him, right in front of Bev and the Beanie Baby woman and everyone, all because he had winked at me.

 

He left the entrance to our store, walking smooth, casually, waving to someone across the walkway by the Babbage’s game store.

 

I still can’t believe I remember it all clearly.  I guess it’s because I think about it when I go to bed many a nights, thinking about how I wished he would have grabbed and put me up on the counter and fucked me without saying a word.  I think about his fingers on my skin and his lips against mine and every fucking part of him, fucking every part of me.

 

“That’s Justin.” Bev had said, snapping my gaze from the backside of his frame to her dark eyes.  “He manages Foot Locker.  He’s hot, but annoying.” I don’t remember doing anything but I guess the look I was giving her, or the way I was breathing or something gave her the hint.  She ended up slapping her hand to her forehead and groaning, “Oh lord, not you, too!”

 

And ever since then I was hooked.  Bev teased me about it for a while, well she still does, but now she encourages it.  At first she had warned me, told me that he flirted with everyone, which he does.  She used to stay up there with me, almost like a chaperone.  But now, now for some reason she always helps me out, she encourages it. 

 

Like my best friend Liz who tells me I should just ask him out and cut the shit.  But if I do that it might make it awkward and he won’t come up here anymore.  And I’d rather go home to my vibrator and thoughts of him every night than not ever see him and his damn Reese’s obsession ever again. 

 

So as Bev and Liz say, I stay a chicken and I just flirt and I just torture myself. Whenever he comes in, if I’m in the stock room she’ll buzz for me twice, 2 short presses of out “help” button behind the counter and I fly up front, trying to make it look not too obvious.  Usually carrying something in my arms or with a question ready to ask Beverly, a question she’ll know is complete bull shit.

 

At first he seemed a little shy with me and would maybe just look at me a few times and pick on Bev.  And then one day I was suddenly included in on all the jokes and the teasing.  He talks to me now; he talks to me a lot now.   I mean it’s not anything serious, nothing more than how am I doing and teasing me.

 

Bev says he flirts with me, like really flirts with me, different from everyone else.  But to me he seems to flirt with Bev, too, so I don’t let it go to my head too much.

 

Well, sometimes I do. 

 

Especially when there’s no one else in the store, no customers, and Hannah isn’t there, which is more often than not. When it’s just me and Bev up at the counter and he’s leaning against it, already paid for his Reese’s and making little moaning noises, asking me if I want some and then pulling it away from me.  Sometimes Bev will sigh and say she’ll be back and pretend to go do something just so I can be alone with him.

 

Our conversations usually have to do with him making fun of the crap we sell in the store, or him reading the nutrition contents on the back of his Reese’s pack, or him sarcastically complimenting me on my green apron, especially when I have Styrofoam and lint stuck to it.

 

It’s pathetic.

 

And it gets my panties in a knot.

 

I’ve had tons of crushes in my life and a couple boyfriends, but never, ever in my life have I wanted someone as bad as him.  I fill up my time fantasizing about him when I should be looking for another job or restocking balloons or stuffed animals.

 

He never stays longer than 5 minutes and never stays shorter than 2.  Sometimes he’ll have to rush back to his store but he always talks, he always says some smart ass comment and he always, always leaves my mouth dry and thirsty.  He always leaves me horny as hell.

 

It’s not just that he’s attractive either.  I mean I don’t know a whole lot about him, but he is kind of sweet and cute.  And you can tell he’s a nice guy, I think.  I mean I’ve never heard Bev say a bad thing about him and she seems to know him a lot better than I do.  Whatever, he’s still a perfect catch.

 

It’s not fair. 

 

But I guess there’s a lot of shit that’s not fair, like the fact that my life is retail hell.  I’m better than this.  I’m a smart girl, I could be doing better than this.  But I’m only twenty two and I’m not in school.  I spent the last four years of my life busting my ass trying to work my way up to a manger position at a furniture store, to still only be considered a measly “sales associate” at the time the store went out of business.  I love the titles they give us, as if to glorify us.  We’re retail workers, mall rats, peons; let’s not try to mask ourselves in tricky word play. 

 

I went back and stayed with my parents for a month after I lost my job at the furniture store.  After about two days I realized I couldn’t live with them anymore.  After being rejected from every college I applied to I worked at the furniture store and made enough money until I was able to move out of the house and into my own apartment when I was twenty.  But this time around, without a job, living at my parents, with little money and too much fear to try to take a community college class, I was determined to get a job, a real job this time.  I applied and applied, trying to get something a little better than a damned retail job.

 

And here I am, stocking candy at a shitty little gift shop in a shitty little mall.  I told myself it was just something to do, something easy, a paycheck that wouldn’t stress me.  It was a job that I wouldn’t take home, a job that would allow me to look for a real job in my off hours.  Five months later I’m still here, full time, Monday-Friday, waiting for the candyman with Bev. 

 

Beverly is a single mom, she had a kid when she 16 and now 7 years later, she works here full time, takes online night classes and works at her mom’s hair salon on Saturday’s.  On Sunday’s she and her son and her boyfriend Dwanye go to church, go out to eat and then go see a matinee kids’ movie.  She’s only a year older than me but sometimes I feel so fucking naïve and stupid compared to her.

 

I crave her organization, her simple scheduled life.  She never has to question what she’s doing that night or that weekend, never has the constant fear that she’ll be left alone watching TBS movie marathons, like me, trying to drown out the sounds of make-shift beer pong in the next room and loud, crappy rap music.

 

My brother’s roommate ditched him right around the time I moved in with mom and dad, and since he needed a roommate and I didn’t want to be at my parents, I moved in with him.  I love my little brother to death, but it really sucks living with a twenty year old frat kid, especially on Friday and Saturday nights.

 

I’m trying to save up so that I’ll have enough money for my own place, or maybe I’ll meet someone that’s cool who needs a roommate.  But until then I’ll have to deal with my little brother begging me to buy him alcohol, and listening to all his drunken friends slur as they try to hit on me.  When I first moved in with him I thought to myself that maybe this would be good.  I’d meet one of his frat brothers or a friend and we’d fall in love and have passionate sex every night.

 

And then I realized I hated most college guys, they were disgusting and rude and drunk.

 

I’m almost to the point where I think I’ll be able to afford a little 400 a month studio apartment.  They’ve got these new ones that aren’t too far from the mall.  Like I could walk and that would really cut back on gas and…

 

Buzzz. Buzzz.

 

The buzzer scares me and excites me so much that I drop the JellyBellys that were in my right hand and clutch the box that was in my left.  I look down to the left hand and read the faded black print on the cardboard box: Reese’s. 

 

God I love my job.

 

I walk quickly out of the open stock room door and charge down the far aisle towards the registers.  Bev is walking towards me, eyes wide.  She passes me and says, “He got his haircut.”  She fans herself, laughs and continues back to the stock room.  I feel like running up there, but know I can’t or I’ll give myself away.   

 

I keep walking as fast as possible until I near the register and I slow myself down.  There’s the “Balloon Center” beside the register blocking him from my view and I take a moment to breathe and collect myself.   

 

I pass the “Balloon Center” and get behind the register and look up. 

 

Fuck...

 

He looks good.  More than good.  He looks…he looks like a fucking model or something.  I don’t know but he just looks so much older and sexier, if that’s even fucking possible.  And he has a slight stubble against his cheeks and chin and jaw that makes him look a little rugged and, and so damn fuckable.

 

“Heylo Jessica.”  He smiles, leaning on one elbow against the counter.

 

I smile back and go closer to where he is, “Heylo Justin.  Got you a present.”

 

“Me?”  He looks surprised and excited.

 

I slap the cardboard box on the counter and pull out my box cutter from the pocket on the bottom of my apron. “Fresh off the truck.”

 

“Oh my god…” I cut into the tape on the sides and top of the box and he leans closer and whispers, “You’re just trying to turn me on aren’t you?  Aren’t you?”

 

I gulp and quickly pull the blade down where it’s safe.  He can’t say those little flirty comments when I have a knife in my hand.  It’s dangerous.  “Shh, you might scare the old ladies.”  I nod off to a woman who’s in our store with a cane. She’s already knocked over a bucket of small yard flags when she came in. 

 

He looks and then turns back, both elbows on the counter, staring right at me and smiling, “Why do you think I come in here everyday?  I like ‘em wrinkly.”

 

“Gross.” I push at his shoulder.  I’ve done this before when he’s being silly and it’s the only contact I’ve ever had with him.  I need to change the subject before I start panting, so I pull the box over close to me and pry the orange and brown container of candy out from the cardboard box.  There’s 2 containers in each box and I know we already have half a container still in the rack, but I need something to do, something to distract me.  “Speaking of, what did you do to your hair?”

 

“It was getting long.”  He shrugs and I put a fresh Reese’s package on the counter for him and then proceed to take the other container out of the cardboard box and break down the box.

 

“It was cute.”

 

“You don’t like this?”  He points to his head.

 

I fake apathy and roll my eyes. “No, no this is nice, too.” In all honestly I fucking love it.  It’s short on the sides but a little longer up top, no more curls, just short little bristles that would feel so damn good against my fingers.  I bet it would piss me off, too if we were together.  I’d see his haircut and think it was hot and then we’d start to fuck, and I’d have nothing to grab onto anymore.  I’d be pissed and start grinding hard and rough and…

 

Shit.

 

His palms flatten on the counter and he leans in further.  “Do you want to touch it?”

 

Yes, God yes.

 

“Do you want me to check for tics and lice?”  I say, cursing myself of why I had to go the middle school route instead of grabbing his face and sucking his tongue into my mouth.

 

“Ya know, I saw this thing on TV and apparently monkey’s get like a big part of their daily diet from the bugs they groom out of other monkey’s hair.”

 

I laugh.  He’s so fucking random. “Maybe I should start hiding the Reese’s in my ponytail.”

 

“Ooo…”  He narrows his eyes and looks me up and down, well as much as he can see of me behind the waist-high counter.  “Maybe you should.”

 

 I scan the Reese’s and hold out my hand.  He gives me exact change, in coins, like he does every day, unless we’re out of Reese’s.  Then he’ll reach in his pocket and pull out a 5 and gets his Toblerone and his extra change.

 

And as always, he immediately starts opening the package as I tear his receipt in two and let it flutter into the trash.  “You want a bite?”

 

I shake my head at him, “Of course I do, but you’re a tease.” 

 

He pats his stomach. “Nah, I had a big breakfast.”

 

“How do you not get fat eating these things?”

 

“I am fat.” I roll my eyes and he laughs and takes a bite.  He eats them slowly and takes medium sized nibbles, as if he’s savoring it.  “Some people when they get bored they do crosswords, or read, or shop, or drink…I work out.”

 

“You must have a boring life.”  I realize what I’ve said half way through the sentence and immediately feel my face burn.  We flirt pathetically, like kids, but rarely do we comment about the other’s appearance.  And here I go pretty much admitting that he’s got a hot body.

 

Shit.

 

“You’re blushing…”  And of course he calls me out on it.  “Little Jess is blushing…” He leans into me a little and if the counter wasn’t separating us there’s no telling what might happen.

 

“Are you going to let me have that?”  I say to the rest of the cup he has in his hands, the chocolate is just barely melting against his thumb and forefinger. 

 

“I think I might share it with Grandma over there.  Maybe she’ll be my girlfriend.”  He smiles, glances at the old lady with the cane and then looks back at me. 

 

“I thought you already had like 20 girlfriends.”

 

“Not one with an ass like that.”

 

I shouldn’t condone someone talking perverted about little old ladies, but I can’t help but love it when he teases like this.  It’s cute and adorable and pathetic.  “Gross!”

 

“Here...”  He waves the slither of Reese’s in front of my face and I just stare at him. “Eat it…” His voice drops an octave and he chants, “You know you wanna eat it…”

 

Something comes over me, spontaneity, insanity, clarity, something. I lean forward and bite the chocolate out of his fingers.  He just looks at me amazed as I chew and try not to laugh and try not to let the fact that I think my lip just touched his index finger make me cream myself.  He looks down at his chocolate stained fingers and then back at me.  “You just ate my Reese’s.”

 

“Be careful waving tempting stuff in front of my face.  I don’t have any restraint.”

 

“Really?” His eyebrows raise and he sucks the chocolate off his fingers and stares right at me.  I gulp.  Holy shit is he…is he trying to, to say something. Is he insinuating something?  He just stares at me, those eyes staring right into mine. 

 

He swallows hard, just like me and even though I’ve never really thought about it before now I seem to, I seem to wonder if…if maybe he feels it, too.  If maybe the reason he comes here everyday isn’t the candy but…but….

 

No.  Don’t go there.  He flirts with everyone, you know this.  Everyone knows this.  He’s known as the mall flirt.  He’ll go into a store and flirt with any girl that works there under the age of 65.  But…but this store is the only one he goes into everyday.  I break my eyes from him and he takes a deep breath as the little old lady with the cane comes up behind him with a few things in her hands.  He glances at her and smiles at me kindly,   “I should go.  See ya tomorrow Jess.”

 

I wave and before I know it it’s out of my mouth and into the air, “See ya, candyman.”

 

He turns back around for a moment, walking backward a few steps and smirking at me.  He sticks his tongue out, turns back around and walks out the store and to the right and out of my vision.

 

I want him so bad and it’s not fucking fair that I can’t have him.

 

The old lady says with a shaky voice resting her items on the counter, “He was a handsome young man.”

 

And it’s really fucking sad that even this old decrepit looking woman knows how unfair it is.

 

----

 

Candyman?  Well, I guess I kind of am a candy man.  I love candy.  It’s my one weakness.  I don’t eat a lot of fast food and I work out a lot.  But god damn do I love Reese’s cups.

 

I probably wouldn’t be as addicted to them if she didn’t work there.  It use to just be a thing I did every other day or so.  Now I’m up there every fucking day and she is, too.  Small and cute, little green apron tight on her breasts, straps all tied in a little bow right above her round ass. 

 

I know I’ll never have the chance to fuck little candygirl Jess, but good fucking God do I wish I could.

 

I love to flirt and I know I’m an ass about it most of the time but whatever.  I flirt with all the ladies that work in the mall and most of them flirt back.  But we all know it’s harmless. 

 

But not with her.  With her it’s dangerous as hell. 

 

She’s the hottest girl in this fucking place.  Hell, she’s the hottest girl I’ve seen in a long, long time.  It’s not like she’s one of those girls that you see walking around with their designer bags and high heels and they just know they are the shit and you find yourself just staring at them.   No Jessica is more subtle.  When you first see her you know she’s pretty but then the more you see her and the more you get to know her, the more it’s just like hot damn!

 

She’s small and cute and her smile and laugh is one I wanna see everyday, every night.  God, you’d think I was twelve instead of twenty five the way I fantasize about this girl.  And…and I can’t fucking believe she took that Reese’s from my fingers today with those little pouty lips of hers.  Like serious, fuck me!

 

She just stared at me and giggled when she did it.  I wanna hear that giggle when I’m fucking her.  This is bad, this is real bad. 

 

Thank God that stupid little gift shop has candy and thank God it’s closer to my store than the candy shop on the other end of the mall.  If not I might not even know she existed. 

 

Bev tells me I should just ask her out, but I don’t know.  As far as I know she has a boyfriend.  Bev says she doesn’t, but then again Bev’s been trying to get me to have a serious girlfriend ever since we became friends.  I actually went to school with her but she was a few years younger than me and I didn’t really know her then.  We’ve got a couple mutual friends and actually the guy she’s dating now used to work with me when I first started working in the mall.

 

Sometimes I wanna look her up and call her and ask her all about Jess and see if maybe she’s interested in me, but I don’t want to look too desperate.  I never wanna seem that pathetic with a woman. Normally, if I like a girl I’ll just go after her and, not to be a cocky asshole, but normally she’ll say yes.  But I just can’t risk it with her.  Plus I don’t date mall chicks.  There’s just usually too much drama and I don’t want to get stuck here.

 

I mean I like being a manager and shit but I don’t want to manage a fucking Foot Locker for the rest of my life.  That’s why I’m taking business classes at night.  But lately it’s just gotten worse because all I do in class is think about getting a blow job from Jess’s sexy mouth, her white teeth lightly scraping and her tongue all around the head of…

 

“Hey man…”

 

Fuck…

 

I clear my throat.  Shit, I think my other Reese’s is melting in my hand.  I nod at the FedEx man, purple and black uniform, pushing a hand truck with gloves.  There was a time when I thought about being a delivery man.  Apparently they get paid pretty good.  But for a single guy who lives pretty cheap I get paid pretty good, too.

 

“What’s up, Todd?”  I say.

 

He passes me and says, “Next shipment is yours.  It’s a big one.”

 

I wave to him and start to go down the steps. “Awesome.”

 

Good, good.  I needed that distraction and having to check in tons of merchandise will do just that.  I gotta get this girl off my brain.  And it sucks.  Like my buddy Pete keeps trying to get me to just fuck around like he does.  He always, always has these hot chicks hanging around and they never seem to mind not getting serious with him.  They seem to like just hooking up.  Which is weird to me ‘cause every girl I’ve ever known wants more and it can get dramatic.

 

But I’ve been there and I’m not so sure I want to just “hook up” anymore.  I know I probably need to.  A good fuck would probably get her off my mind.

 

I just don’t know how it’s gonna work when the only person I really wanna fuck is her.

And it’s not just that I want to see her naked or I want to fuck her real hard.  I want to do everything with her.  I want to do it slow and fast and every way I know how.  I wonder if she’s wild or if she’s sweet or shy or kinky.  And any way I wonder turns me on. 

 

I think about her when I’m at the gym, thinking about working out with her and seeing her in little tight ass shorts, her chest and neck all sweaty,  and taking her home, fingering her the whole way on the ride and fucking her right inside the doorway of my condo.  I’ll be making dinner and I’ll think about her in my kitchen, hands on my counter, bent foreword with just a little skirt on, and me fucking her from behind all hard.  And sometimes when I’m just laying on my couch watching a game or something I’ll look down and wish she was in between my legs on her knees sucking me off, or on top of me, bouncing just lightly on my dick, making little tiny high pitched “uh” noises.

 

And…and sometimes, when it just gets too fucking much and I’m laying there, jacking off, half pissed off at myself for having to be that pathetic and masturbate, I’ll think that maybe, maybe at the same time she’s there on her bed, sprawled out, legs spread, breathing hard with her hand in between her legs, moving fast and swift, or…or…

 

Fuck or maybe she’s there with a vibrator or a dildo….

 

I run my free hand over my face.  Good lord this is like a sickness.  I’m obsessed or something.  I need therapy.

 

When I saw her on her first day I was amazed by how cute she was, but I didn’t really pay attention.  I was just thankful we finally had a hot girl around.  Not to be a prick, but a lot of these mall girls are skanks.  The more I went back to her store, the more she started coming around.  Soon she started playing around with me and Bev and now, for some reason, probably ‘cause she wants me to make a move on her, Bev always disappears when I come up there and leaves me and Jess alone.

 

One day I finally asked my assistant manager, Kev, if he knew her.  Kevin always seems to know everything about everyone and of course he knew her.  In fact he went to high school with her and graduated with her.  She went to one of the county schools whereas me and most of the people I know went to city schools.  He told me she was a really cool girl, not really in any of the cliques but just one of those people that everyone liked.  Apparently she had her group of friends but was never really exclusive and wasn’t one that could be defined by what they were into.  He said most of her friends went off to college but she didn’t and ended up working full time somewhere.

 

It made her seem mysterious. And that just turned me on. 

 

When I first started fantasizing about her like I do, I just thought she was hot, but now, now I realize it is a lot more than that, ‘cause I also wonder about her.  I wonder what she does on weekends and what she does when she leaves at 5:30 and if she drinks beer or cocktails, if she likes clubs better than bars, if she likes scary movies, or if she has a dog or cat, if she wears thongs or regular panties.

 

If she owns any lingerie.

 

Shit.

 

I’ll never forget the day I saw her walk into Victoria’s Secret, which just happens to be right across from my fucking store.  Her store is on the upper level, nestled in the corner by Macy’s and mine’s on the first level, five stores up from Macy’s.   

 

I’ll never forget.  I was putting up a new display in the front window and I saw her and I guess a friend or a sister or something with her.  They were laughing and walked right in.  And the thing about our Victoria’s Secret is that it’s huge, its got almost three entrances, one for the little pajama Pink stuff, one for the makeup shit and then one where all the kinky stuff is.

 

And of course, she walked right into the kinky shit.  I stared at her, straining my eyes to see her but of course she got behind a display and then got further in the store.

 

I probably looked like a loser too, standing there with New Balance’s in one hand and Jordan’s in the other just staring at Victoria’s Secret.

 

I took so long to work on that display, glancing every few minutes at the store, trying to see her or see if she came out with a bag.

 

I got a call from our owner and had to take it and I never got to see her leave the store, but I like to think she left with a big ass bag full of lacy thongs and frilly corsets and shit.

 

I like to think one day I’ll go home and she’ll be there with her big bag of lingerie and she’ll walk up to me and kiss me and grab my dick and whisper something like, “sit back, I wanna give you a fashion show.”

 

I’m a fucking loser.

 

I enter my store and see Mika sitting down on one of the benches and Ty standing up talking to her.  There’s a box and two bags of merchandise beside them.

 

“Hey guys…” I say and Mika immediately stands up. “Talk and work at the same time, alright?”  They nod and immediately get back to work.  My crew here is a good staff.  Sometimes they just need to be reminded that we have things to do and that you can have a conversation with a co-worker and put out stock at the same time.

 

There’s a guy looking at some of the athletic wear we have and I smile at him, “How are you doing today, sir?”  He nods at me and goes back to looking so I don’t’ bother him.  I’m pretty good at reading customers and knowing when to push and when to back off and let them browse.

 

I pass the registers and nod at the young guy we hired a couple months ago, “Curtis... come here…” 

 

He’ll be a senior in high school this fall and this is his first job, but he seems to be a good kid and I kind of feel bad for him because his mom has cancer and is in pretty bad shape. 

 

“Hey…” I look back at Mika and Ty, “Ya’ll watch the register.”  They nod and I walk back to the stock room with Curtis following me. When we get in there I sit down at the computer and point over to the two cardboard boxes that are filled with other broken down cardboard boxes in them.  “Will you take those boxes out for me?  We got a shipment coming in.”

 

The mall has those big cardboard recycling bins and I figure this will give us some space back here for the new shipment and give Curtis a change to use his cell phone and check up on his mom.

 

He passes me a small smile and gets out the handtruck so he can take the boxes out the back door. “Thanks man.”

 

I peel back more of the plastic covering the Reese’s, it’s melted just slightly and I cant help but think about her lips barely on my fingers and the chocolate on her tongue.  I could feel her breath on my hand when she took it from me, warm and moist. God damn I wonder what she tasted like after she ate that candy. 

 

The heavy slam of the back door makes me jump a little and I look back to see that Curtis has left before I reach my hand down and put pressure on my dick to try to make it go down a little.  Shit, she should be arrested for making me this fucking rock solid.

 

I pull the chocolate from the white cardboard base and bite down.  Maybe it’ll calm me down.  It’s usually bad the 30 minutes after I get my Reese’s and by lunchtime I’ve usually calmed down from my little gift shop visit.  By then we usually get a rush then and I normally have product to sort and employees to keep in line.

 

Still, today she called me Candyman, and now, now all I can think about is how sweet she is, how tempting she is and how I crave her more than I’ve ever craved a fucking Reese’s. 

The Shoe Excuse

 

I stare at her ass as she walks down the same aisle I’m on, slowly moving back to the stock room with a phone by her ear. It looks firm yet still enough bounce in it that I could grab it and smack it while she’s on top of me. She was up here with me, smiling, asking me how I was doing when the phone rang and it was her brother. Now Bev’s up here, trying to talk me into asking Jess out.

 

“I don’t understand why you don’t just ask her out for dinner or something.” I move my eyes from her cute, tight little ass confined in olive colored pants. I wonder what she’s got on underneath.

 

I look at Beverly and she’s got an eyebrow raised at me. I wonder if she knows I was just staring at Jess’s ass. “‘Cause I don’t date Beverly. You should know this by now.”

 

She sighs and shrugs her shoulders, “You just never know what might happen.”

 

“What does that mean?” Bev doesn’t answer me, and turns a little bit like she’s reading this paper she has laying on the back counter. Bev always tells me I should ask, but today she’s really zeroing in on it. Does that mean maybe, maybe Jess told her she likes me? No…no. I turn and look at Jess and she smiles and points her finger at her head like a gun and rolls her eyes. I look back at Beverly, “Bev….does she, does she like me?”

 

“I don’t know. You guys just flirt a lot.” She’s still not looking at me.

 

“It’s me Bev, there’s always flirtation surrounding my fine ass.”

 

She sighs again and turns to me, leaning against the register counter and tapping her finger against my forehead. “I just wish you would settle down. I know you have a busy life, but a good girlfriend will relax you a little, make you happy.”

 

“I’m fine and happy as I am right now. And girlfriends bring drama. I feel like your terrified that I’m never going to get married.”

 

“Maybe I am.”

 

I narrow my eyes at her. She’s being too serious today. She needs to lighten up. And…and she’s making me think things and well, it’s fine when I just have out of control hormones for a girl, it’s another thing for her to be my girlfriend and for there to be ya know, feelings there. “Maybe I don’t want to get married.”

 

“Who’s getting married?” Jess says, coming around the counter and putting the cordless phone back on its base.

 

“You and me.” I laugh and she blushes a little.

 

“Oh my god, I know the perfect cake topper.” She slides open the case that’s halfway behind the register filled with Precious Moments. She reaches up and pulls down the gayest shit I’ve ever seen; two little people made of ceramic with weird looking eyes, all dressed up like their getting married. There’s even a little plaque underneath that says, “Forever I do.”

 

Bev throws up her hands and mumbles, “you’ve both lost it,” and walks from behind the counter out on the floor somewhere. I turn back to Jess.

 

She looks really cute today. Normally her hair is down, or in a ponytail, but today it’s pulled up in this little loop thing and its all spiky at parts. “I like your hair like that.”

 

“Oh…this?” She laughs and leans against the counter a little. I try not to make it noticeable but the apron dips down and I guess she’s wearing a V-neck underneath ‘cause I can see her cleavage all pressed together. “This was me not having time to do anything this morning. My brother had a pre-birthday party last night and I didn’t get to bed until two.”

 

“Then why didn’t you go home earlier? Some hot guy and you having a good time and you didn’t want to leave?” I cringe. I hope she doesn’t say yes. What if she does? What if she says something about how her and her boyfriend had sex ‘til two in the morning, that he strung her up from the ceiling or something and fucked her until she came all hard and loud.

 

I blink when she says, “Right…right. Sure.” She says it sarcastically and rolls her eyes.

 

Thank God. “No, I live with my brother. He’s in college and annoys me. And no hot guy was having a good time with me unless you consider someone throwing up on my balcony as a good time.”

 

“Yeah, you need to get out of that. Throw up is not sexy.” She nods and it’s quiet. She doesn’t say anything and I think maybe I offended her or something. I don’t know how, but she’s not looking at me, staring off into space with her hand on her hip.

 

After an awkward, good while she groans, bends forward quite a bit and rests her cheek on the counter. Her arms are out in front of her reaching to the end and grabbing it. She sighs, then pulls her arms up and bends her elbows so she can prop her chin against her knuckles.

 

She stares right at me and says, “Justin, I might go crazy today.”

 

“Crazy?”

 

“We have nothing to do.” She rolls her eyes and says it louder, “Nothing. Except dusting and I fucking hate dusting. Do you have a position down there that I can fill in for?”

 

Positions? Yes, yes every fucking one of them.

I clear my throat, “Yeah…” I nod and smile. “A shoe duster.”

 

“You’re no fun.” She doesn’t push me like she usually does when I tease her. I can really see that she’s tired today, fed up. It’s one of those days where retail really does seem like hell. Nothing to do in the store or at least nothing you really have the energy to do. These are the days when you wish you were busy. You wish you did have a really needy customer to spend all your time helping, so at least then you wouldn’t be staring at the clock.

 

It’s slow today. Since I’ve been they haven’t had a customer and I can tell it’s going to be slow for my store, too. Meaning I’ll spend most of my day thinking about her. Which is bad, real bad.

 

She still doesn’t say anything and is staring off into space, but looking at my shirt. I look down to see if anything’s on it, but it’s clean. God, maybe she is tired, or maybe…maybe she’s fed up.

 

A thought crosses my mind and before I can check myself I spit it out, eager, and concerned, and pathetic, “Are you thinking about quitting?”

 

“I don’t know. It’s just one of those days where I just can’t stand anything.”

 

“You can’t even stand me? That hurts.” She sticks her tongue out at me and is smiling again. Good. “I’ll keep my eyes open, we’ve got some kids that will be leaving in the fall for school and stuff but I doubt you’d want their job. It’s like register and stocking and stuff.”

 

“What do you think I do here all day?” She laughs a little and leans forward and picks up the middle of my jersey at my stomach. Shit… “I just wanna kick ass jersey.”

 

“You’d look cute in one.”

 

Now I’m thinking about her working for me. Oh God the fantasies are running wild. Fucking her in the stock room or on the benches before we open. Shit, maybe one night she’d have to work late, just me and her, helping me stock or something, and she’d be putting out some sports bras or something and I’d come behind her and push my dick against her ass and cup her breasts in my hands and suck on her neck. And then I’d put my hand in between her legs and start rubbing her there, still with her clothes on.

 

But I betcha I could get her little clothes off faster than she could herself.

 

I blink.

 

“Do I get a whistle?” She smiles, biting her bottom lip. I want those lips on me.

 

Now.

 

“Not at first, but I’ll let you borrow mine.” I need to distract myself so I finally open my Reese’s that I haven’t even bought yet and bite into it.

 

“I want that.” She says and I find myself staring at her. Not again. It’s been two days since she took it from my hand with her mouth…two days…

 

“Oh really?”

 

“I got it the other day. I just made myself all craving it.”

 

“Well this is mine since you stole the other one from me.”

 

“Please…I didn’t steal it. You were tempting me with it. Practically begging me to take it.” I would. I’d beg for her to take it. For her to take all of me in her, swift and hard. I bet ya she’d let me go all the way in. I bet she’s the type to like it real, real deep.

 

I bet she’d grab my back and pull herself up and whisper, “Yes Justin…fuck…yes, that’s my spot…”

 

I gulp.

 

“You made me all horny biting it out of my hand,” I say.

 

What…what am I doing? I can’t flirt with her this hard. Fuck it, I’m already hard. And I hope to God it’s not noticeable.

 

“Justin!” She smacks my shoulder, but she’s smiling and blushing, maybe even breathing a little harder than normal….

 

I lean forward; not only does it let me get closer to her, but I’m able to press my crotch against the edge of the counter. “Well you did.”

 

I can’t help but notice how close she is now, hands against the counter, body up against the edge as well, smiling right at me. She narrows her eyes slightly, “Don’t you have a store to run?”

 

“Oh…” I lick my lips. She looks at me when I do it, looks at my mouth. Shit, God damn. Maybe…maybe Bev is right, maybe she’s telling me something. Maybe little Jess wants my dick as much I want her tight, little pussy. I bet it is, too. I bet it’s tight and hot and….stop it Justin. Good God I’m gonna come in my pants if I keep thinking like this. Then I’d get fired and probably go to jail for sexual harassment.

 

Unless of course Jess likes it. Maybe she gets off teasing the shit out of me. “Well kick me out why don’t you!”

 

“Sorry. I didn’t mean that bitchy…” I wonder if she’d ever be a dominatrix, not like hard core bondage, but ya know; tying me to the bed, wearing all black, maybe a little mask, fucking me just right, getting herself off but leaving me there for hours on the edge of it as she makes herself come and come and come. And I would just have to lay there and watch….

 

“I just know you usually don’t stay this long.”

 

I have got to stop this.

 

Work, talk about work. About her in my jersey, tight against her breasts, wearing nothing else, nothing underneath, not even any panties….

 

I blink and shake my head a little. “We’re dead down there, too. Plus my assistant manager is back from his vacation so he can do my job for me.”

 

“Kevin Callow?”

 

“Yeah.” I can do this. I can be calm in front of her. I have to be. “Crazy kid.”

 

She laughs a little, smiling at me genuinely. “I went to high school with him. He is crazy. He’s a nice guy, though. I think I actually had a crush on him freshman year. But then it was all about Bo Boyd.”

 

“Bo Boyd?!”

 

“Oh my God…” She gushes and I hate that I’m surged with jealousy. It’s one thing to want to have sex with her. It’s another thing to actually have a crush on her and be jealous of a guy I’ve never even met. This is bad. This is real bad. “If I saw him right now I’d probably still have a crush on him.”

 

“My feelings are kind of hurt,” I say.

 

She rolls her eyes and says, “You’re silly.” But she’s looking at me now, as if she wants to see if I really am hurt.

 

It’s quiet again, only the sound of classical music that Hannah makes them play softly coming from speakers in the ceiling. Ya know…ya know I should just do it. I should just…I mean if she says no, she says no and I can just play it off that I was gonna be bored all weekend. I’ll make it seem casual, maybe even have Pete come with a friend or two…and then have them leave “unexpectedly.”

 

“Got big weekend plans?” I ask to check the water first.

 

“Well tonight I gotta do some shopping after work, but I might go to Olde Town Mall because I’m fucking tired of this place. And then I’m gonna go stay at my friend’s house for the night while my brother destroys our apartment and then tomorrow night my parents are coming up and we’re going out for steaks or something. And then Sunday I have like five thousand loads of laundry to do. And then Monday I’m back here, and my weekends over and I’ll be depressed again.”

 

Great, wonderful. She’s got plans and I’m going to be alone in my condo all Friday night and all Saturday night like a loser, with nothing but my hand and a small bottle of lube.

 

I wonder if she uses lube when she gets herself off. I wonder if she gets herself off.

I wonder if someone else is able to get her off…

Dammit.

 

“But you’ll get to see me.” I smile. It’s sick that for some reason on Monday mornings, which I hate, I’m not a morning person at all--it’s sick that the only thing that gives me a bit of satisfaction is knowing that I’ll see her.

 

God, I must have a crush on her.

 

“Yes, yes the highlight of my day,” she says sarcastically, but she’s smiling.

 

“Hey, Reese’s are the highlight of my day.”

 

“What about you…” She asks, “What are you doing?”

 

“Just hanging out. I don’t have big plans. My buddy Pete and I might go out for a drink tonight. I’m kind of past all my crazy partying days. I’m like an old man now.”

 

“Aww Gramps.”

 

Great, now she finds me old, wrinkly, unattractive and unable to get it up.

 

I stick my tongue out and flick her on the arm with my middle finger. She opens her mouth and rubs the spot with her other hand and I just laugh. “So whatcha gonna buy for me this afternoon?”

 

“Nothing. I’m buying my brother something for his birthday and nothing else, ‘cause I’m broke.” She waves her hands and talks secretively, “I know I might be fooling ya with this nice little apron and kick ass job, but the pay is not that great.”

 

She’s so silly and funny and I love it. “Any ideas for what you wanna get him?”

 

“I don’t know. You’re a man, you tell me.”

 

I shrug, “Well if you wanna get him some shoes or some gear or something, you can come down after work and I’ll hook you up.”

 

God, if I get to see her this afternoon, too I’m gonna be in heaven. That way I’ll have fresh images in my head on my way home. God I’m such a pathetic piece of shit. I can’t even get the guts to ask her out so I’m going home to jack off all weekend. Pete would kill me if he knew this is what I was thinking. He’d force me to a strip club and put one of his little blonde friends in my lap.

 

I want her in my lap. Maybe wearing nothing but that dark green faded apron…

 

The phone rings and she goes to pick it up, but doesn’t. I guess she sees Bev got it in the back or something.

 

“Nah, you don’t have to do that.”

 

Now I’m determined to get her down to my store. Whether she buys anything or not, I just want to see her again today. “Why not? I’m the manager. I do what I want. Just think about it. We’ve got a good sale going on and a lot of new styles just came out for back to school stuff. If anything you should just drop by and see what we have. If you don’t like it I’ll even give you a comment card to fill out and you can bash my guts out.”

 

She opens her mouth to say something but Bev comes up beside me and waves a phone at Jess. “Your brother’s on the phone again.”

 

Jess sighs and growls and takes the phone and says something into the phone, but I can’t hear it ‘cause she mumbles it and she walks towards the back of the store. I watch her walk away. God, I love the way her ass shifts in her pants.

 

I really do wanna grab it, like I can just see it, me laying on the bed and her on top of me, sitting right on my dick and my hands on her ass. And her just smiling at me, smiling and closing her eyes and tilting her head back as she touches her breasts and rides me.

 

“Did you ask her?”

 

I suck in a breath and move my eyes to Beverly. “No.”

 

“Justin!” She whines.

 

“Beverly!” I mock her.

 

“One of these days I’m going to set you both up and you won’t even know it.”

 

I look down at my watch. Shit I’ve been gone almost 20 minutes. “I need to get back.”

 

“Avoidance doesn’t work with me!” Beverly says. She looks like my mother right now.

 

“See ya Miss Bev. Tell Jess I said I’d see her later.” I turn and move to walk out, glancing to see if she’s looking at me. She is. She shrugs and waves.

 

“I’m going to tell her you love her,” Beverly says to me with a laugh.

 

“You do that.”

 

I don’t realize until I’m out the door, down the steps and almost at my store, the severity of what Beverly just said to me. And what’s most dangerous about it is that I didn’t even flinch.

 

I haven’t been in love with a girl in four years. And…and whatever these feelings I have for Jess, that’s… that’s not what love is. It’s lust, only lust. That’s all it can be. That’s…that’s all I can let it be. And I’ve got to figure out a way to get over it.

 

Or soon I’m gonna be 40, alone, and out of lube.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The last thing, and I mean the last thing my brother needs is more sneakers. He’s addicted; he’s got like a preferred member card for Nike or something. It’s sick. But here I am, going down the steps, slowly, biding my time, trying not to seem like I rushed from my job to Foot Locker just so I could see him. Getting my brother some shoes is an excuse, a pathetic one just to see Justin.

 

If he hadn’t offered I wouldn’t have even thought about it. In fact I debated the rest of the fucking day whether I was going to get the guts to go down here. Hell it’s after five already, he’ll probably be gone. Gone to that bar with his friend and getting some little blonde girl’s number, fucking her on the bathroom wall, pinning her there against it with her hard, tight, lean body.

 

I frown. I hate myself.

 

I should just go home. I mean, he’s a flirt. He doesn’t really like me. Bev said that she’s trying to convince him to ask me out and I, I kind of freaked out on her. Because I don’t want him to know I’m all lusty after him if he doesn’t give a shit about me.

 

Bev says he likes me. And…and ok, so what if he does want to fuck me?

 

But then what? I mean I want him, too. I want him in me so fucking bad, but then, then what happens when I get it and like he’s a disappointment?

 

Ok, I know that’s probably 99.9% impossible but what if he just wants to fuck and that’s it. What if I have feelings? I don’t even know. I don’t know what I feel. Sometimes when I do start feeling like I might like him, like really like him, I tell myself it’s just hormones. It’s just me wanting his dick and so I force myself to just think about him sexually.

 

I can’t afford to think about him any other way. God I can barely afford to think about him that way!

 

Maybe I should just go into Victoria’s Secret and dodge his store all together. I can’t do this. I can’t go into his store. I just can’t.

 

Before I know it I’m at Victoria’s Secret, bright lights making me hot and sticky, someone asking me if I need help.

 

I’m staring at hundreds of little panties that I really don’t need. I wonder what he likes, if he likes this pink stuff, the cute sexy stuff, or if he enjoys the more vixen-like stuff with lace and ribbons. I bet he likes the ribbons. I bet he’d like to unwrap me all carefully like he does the Reese’s. And I….

 

I bet he’d eat me real….real slow…

 

I gulp. The last fucking thing I need is more sexy underwear that no man will see, but I’m here, picking out a pink and lime green thong. I grab a couple more because they have that 5 for 25 thing. I get a pair of black and red frilly panties, two standard cotton thongs, one black and one gray, and a mesh green and blue thong. I wonder if he would like any of these. Who knows? It doesn’t matter. He’ll never see them.

 

By the time I’ve handed over my credit card I realize I really do not need five more pairs of underwear that no one will ever possibly see, at least not with the way my luck is. I sign my receipt, thank the lady and walk out 25 dollars poorer. Great, and now I’m staring right at Foot Locker and I’ll probably be convinced to buy like a 200 dollar pair of shoes or something crazy like that.

 

And then I’ll never be able to move out of my brother’s apartment.

 

I should just go home.

 

Yeah, yeah I should just go back upstairs, out of the service hallway and walk to the top tier of the parking deck, get in my car, go home and call Liz.

 

“Hello…”

 

I smile and nod hi back to the short little girl who’s putting out some wind pants on a rack. God, I’m here, in here, where he works. I don’t think I’ve ever actually come in here before, at least not when he’s working. I scan the room and I don’t see him. Great.

 

I look at my watch.

 

5:24.

 

Even more great. He’s gone home and now I’m here and I’m stuck, standing like an idiot while this girl puts out clothing and glances at me suspiciously.

 

I sigh and move over the massive wall of shoes. I don’t know what the hell I’m looking for. I mean, I guess my brother likes to play basketball, but he also works out and plays intramural soccer. God, what am I doing here?

 

Oh yeah, the shoes are an excuse, an excuse to see Justin, who’s probably half way home by now, having phone sex with his girlfriend on the way.

 

“Ma’am, can I help you find anything today?”

 

I look to see a young black guy who’s short and kind of big, smiling at me all cheesy. Well geez, his staff sure is friendly.

 

“Um, I don’t know. I guess I’m just looking around…” I glance up and I see him. He’s there, not looking at me, helping some lady and her son, talking to them over near the registers. But he’s not ringing them up. He’s leaning a little on the counter, making the little kid smile, one ankle crossed over the other, so casual, so fucking sexy and in control.

 

Great, he is here, but I probably won’t get to be helped by him. I’ll just have to stare from a far and hope this guy doesn’t notice my drool and sweat. I suck in a breath and force my eyes away from Justin. Good God he’s tall and sexy, and I’m just staring at his back. I force myself to stare at the guy in front of me. “It’s my brother’s birthday tomorrow, so I figured I might get him some new sneakers, but I have no idea what he would like so it might be a lost cause.”

 

“Well does he play any sports?”

 

“Yeah he plays basketball.” I point to the shoes I was stupidly looking at moments ago. There’s a big sign above that says “basketball.” I guess they have them all sorted by sport. I just want some sneakers.

 

God I should just go get him a best buy gift card and fuck this. The only reason I’m down here is because of Justin.

 

The guy in front of me pulls down a shoe and shows it to me saying, “Well, these new Jordan’s have been really popular and…”

 

I glance at where he pulled the shoe from and see the word new and the price in bright red. Of course they are popular, they’re marked down from 180 to fucking 169 dollars. This is stupid. I should just tell him I’ll bring my brother here on Monday and let him pick it out himself. Ugh, this is just depressing.

 

I turn to glance and see if Justin is by the registers again but he’s not. The lady and her son are being rung up by Kevin. Maybe I should go over and talk to Kev and see how he’s been doing and…and see if I can get any info on Justin.

 

“And these are…” He’s interrupted by a strong, smooth voice and I suck in a quick breath and turn my eyes from the mother and son to the man that was helping me.

 

I almost want to squeal with how happy I am that he’s there, looking at me. “Hey Ty. Why don’t you head on home and I’ll take care of this nice young lady?”

 

He smiles at me, a crooked grin, his eyes calm and comforting, as if he’s telling me in that look he’s gonna make everything work out, that he’s gonna make me feel so good, I mean…he’s gonna get me some good shoes…

 

God, I need therapy.

 

“You sure?” Ty asks and I’m like, dear God he’s gonna help me. I’m like a little kid I’m so fucking excited. This isn’t good. He’s just standing there smiling at me and finally turns his eyes to his employee and nods.

 

“Yeah, have a good weekend.” Ty waves a little at me awkwardly and then leaves and I smile up at Justin.

 

Now, now there’s no apron and no counter separating us. There’s no Reese’s to talk about, only him and me and a wooden bench and lots and lots of sneakers. And he’s just staring at me, smiling. “Well well well…”

 

I laugh a little, “I’m so out of my element right now.”

 

“Well ma’am who are you shopping for today.” He rocks on his heels and I roll my eyes and push at his shoulder. Fuck, now…now if I was crazy and I wanted to, which I do, I’m just not completely insane yet, I could grab him, I could hold him, I could kiss him and nothing could stop me.

 

Mall security might drag me out but…but it’d be worth it.

 

“Oh, shut up.”

 

“I’m just teasin’ with ya. How’d the rest of the day go?” He goes and sits down on the bench sideways with one knee bent and resting across the bench, as if he could straddle it. Mmm, straddle.

 

I set my purse and my shiny pink bag on the bench he’s sitting on. I notice his eyes staring at the bag.

 

“Well thankfully right at 4:59 I was ready to pull my own eyeballs out of their sockets and it turned 5:00 and I was saved.”

 

“And now you’re here…” He glances at me and picks up the small bag with one finger hooked in the handle and dangles it in the air. “Hmm, someone did some shopping before you came here. I was wondering if you were gonna show up before I left but I see you had to take care of some business.”

 

My breath goes hard at the idea of him roaming through my panties, picking out sexy little outfits for me. Maybe...maybe he’d buy me lingerie. I’ve always, always wanted a man to buy me lingerie.

 

I’m staring at him, practically drooling when my eyes finally register that he’s dropped the bag in his lap and is slowly, secretively moving the pink tissue paper around. “Hey, stop peeking.”

 

I snatch the bag from his hand and sit down close to him and guard it in my hands. I was…I was close to touching his lap there. God this is dangerous. Why the hell did I come down here?

 

He leans in closer and laughs, it’s deep and low and full and I grip the edge of the bench. God if he’d just take me right here, right here on this bench, spread me out and fuck me right there in front of everyone…

 

I do not care.

 

God, he’s gonna make me cry I want him so fucking bad.

 

“Just trying to see what kind of girl you are.”

 

“What kind of girl?”

 

“Ya know…” He shrugs and moves his body so his long legs are stretched out in front of him and he leans forward a little and stretches his arms as well. I wonder if he needs a nice massage. I’ll give it. I will. If he mentions being sore I’m gonna offer a massage, make up an excuse, tell him I went to massage therapy school or something. I have to. I’m tired of all this teasing shit. I need contact. “Lacy or cotton, full bottomed or thong, virgin or dominatrix.”

 

I wish he would have mentioned the soreness. Now, now he’s leaning forward, elbows to his knees, smiling over at me.

 

Virgin…ha.

 

“Do you treat all your customers this way?” I ask. He’s…he’s flirting too much with me right now and I …God I can’t handle it.

 

“Only the ones I have crushes on.” He winks.

 

I have to change the subject. He’s…he’s being so flirty that, that I’m starting to think he does like me. Like when it’s just me wanting his dick it’s fine, it’s harmless. It’s just me being stupid and horny. But he’s not supposed to like me back. I don’t…I don’t know what to do if he likes me back. ‘Cause, ‘cause that means there might be a chance.

 

And there’s not a chance. My luck doesn’t work that way.

 

“Did…did you say you were waiting on me to get here? ‘Cause I didn’t mean to make you wait. I mean I know it’s probably time for you to go and I’m sure being here, at work, right now, on a Friday night is the last place you wanna be.”

 

The idea of him waiting around for me to show up, just like I wait around for 10:45 every morning makes my heart pound. This…this is getting too intense.

 

I need to get some shoes and get out of here, fast.

 

“Please girl, I’d rather be here helping your fine ass out than be at home, alone, hoping my buddy will call me up to go out for a drink.”

 

I roll my eyes. He always makes it seem like he has no life outside of work, no girls, few friends, just night classes and sports games on TV. “Oh give me a break. I doubt you’re that desperate.”

 

He shrugs and a small, sad look comes over his face. I realize I just said something I shouldn’t have. “You don’t know me that well.”

 

Fuck. Now, now he’s all sensitive and lonely and God dammit! He’s fucking perfect. And I fucking hate him for it.

 

He changes the topic to shoes and I’m very, very happy about it. I need to be concentrating on my brother’s present and not on how gorgeous he looks with a distant look in his eyes, a slight pout on his lips and not on how, how I so badly want to slide over and rub my hand over his back and kiss his cheek.

 

And then he’d turn slightly to look at me and I’d touch his face and kiss him slowly, softly. And I’d just kiss him, touching his lips, locking ours together gently, and then softly I’d open my mouth and touch my tongue with his. And he’d grip my hip, his hand hot even through all my clothes.

 

And I’d suck in a breath and tilt my head back and he’d kiss my jaw. I’d grab his thigh and he’d whisper against my neck, “you make it all better.” And I’d tilt down and run my lips and my tongue just lightly over the skin of his neck.

 

He’s staring at me and I realize I’m sitting here about to pant, staring at his strong neck. I bet he can see right fucking through me. He shakes his head and pats my shoulder as if I’m an old buddy or something.

 

For a moment all sexual desire leaves me and I feel a bit nauseous. Shit, shit, shit. I never want to be just one of the guys with him or an old buddy. I…I want to be his.

 

“Ok, so any ideas about what you’re looking for at all?”

 

He stands up, puts his hands in his pockets and looks down at me. He looks more professional now and I think, I think I really just fucked up with my whole “desperate” comment. I…I didn’t, I just, I guess he is desperate, that’s probably why he flirts with me.

 

But…but he shouldn’t be desperate. And I shouldn’t be so self-bashing. It shouldn’t be so far fetch that Justin would like me back. I just, I just don’t…I haven’t had time to deal with this.

 

God, what the hell am I talking about!? He doesn’t like me. He doesn’t! He’s just nice.

 

And fine as hell.

 

I sigh and say, “Well, yes and no. He’s pretty athletic. Like he plays basketball with his friends and is also on an intramural soccer team, but he works out and goes running a bit so…I don’t know. And…”

 

I stop myself because I’m rambling and I know I’m probably gonna start talking about money and how poor I am and embarrass myself.

 

“What?”

 

He no longer looks like the manager of a Foot Locker; he looks more like my Justin, Justin my flirty friend. And that makes me happy. I sigh and cringe, saying softly, “I don’t want to spend that much. Your little worker was showing me 170 dollar Jordan’s and I mean I know my brother would pee his pants but I just…I cant afford that.” I look down and see the pink bag beside me. I’m such a goon. I nod to the bag and look back up at him. “And Victoria’s Secret kind of brainwashed me into spending money so now I really can’t afford that.”

 

He sits down again and this time he’s rather close to me, turned a little so that he’s kind of leaning into me. He talks with his hands and says, “So how about this, you tell me how much you want to spend and I’ll hook you up.”

 

“Justin…” Now I immediately feel horrible. I don’t want him giving me favors.

 

“Jessica, I wanna do this for you.” I feel my body go rigid at the sound of my name on his lips and the pit of my belly start to ache so much that I cross my legs and squeeze tight. His hand touches my shoulder, rubbing a little bit at the upper part of my back. It’s a soft touch, a questioning touch. I lick my lips and he says close to me, close enough that I can kind of feel his warm, minty breath on my face, “You’re one of the coolest girls around here. Plus, you’ve let me leave without paying for Reese’s before.”

 

“Shhh…” I turn and I realize that if he was my man, if I was hooking up with him or dating him I’d so, so kiss him quickly right now, right on his perfect lips. “That’s a secret.”

 

“Consider it a present for always being so sweet and making my day a little brighter.” He squeezes my shoulder that’s farthest away from him and leans in just a bit closer, smiling sweetly and kindly and I want to fuck him hard and fast and make him groan my name and take that fucking sweet kind smile off his face. I almost start to whine. I hate how my emotions go crazy like this with him.

 

Liz says that’s what makes a relationship work is being in love with the person, caring about their feelings, wanting them happy, but then also being so fucking sexually attracted to them you can’t stand it. I got the ladder half down, I just…I’m scared of that first half. I’m scared of what happens if one of us has the first half and the other doesn’t.

 

Like, what if he does want me? But what if I fall in love and he…he just wants to fuck? Oh shit, then what do I do?

 

I gulp and look at him smiling at me so nicely. I could fall in love with him. I just know I could. I’ve got to put an end to this. I’m just going to have to quit my job. That’s the only solution. “How about 125? I promise I can get you out of here with awesome kicks for your brother, some for you too, and maybe even a few extra pieces of gear.”

 

I blink and focus on him again instead of imagining what he looks like under his black and white little referee uniform. I bet he’s buff as hell. Hmm, I gotta find out what gym he goes to.

 

So much for quitting.

 

“What do you say? I’ll even get some awesome socks in there.”

 

“Socks?” I laugh and it’s a lot louder than I had planned and I clasp my hand over my mouth.

 

He laughs too and leans in whispering, “Don’t be fooled, guys love new socks.”

 

I need to stop. We need to start shoe looking and I need to stop thinking about how his dick looks. Like, I bet it’s curved, and I bet the tip is smooth. I don’t normally think about blow jobs but…I’d so go down on him.

 

I bite my lip kind of hard to get me to stop these thoughts, “I think I can do 125.”

 

“I can go lower.”

 

How low?

I almost make myself laugh and I smile and shake my head, “No, that’s fine.”

 

He stands up and starts to go over to the wall of shoes in front of me. “If it goes one cent over I’ll pay for it myself.”

 

“Justin stop being so nice to me.” It’s harsh when I say it. Shit, I really need to work on the tone of my voice sometimes. It’s not that I’m mad at him. I’m mad at myself and I just, I feel like a robot with all its screws and bolts and shit out of whack.

 

“Why not?”

 

He needs to get a wrench or whatever and screw everything back tight.

 

Screw....

 

I stand up and walk over to him and stick my tongue out. I am a moron. “Alright…” He laughs and starts rambling and pointing at all different shoes. “Well I say let’s go for an all around shoe. Guys can get picky about their basketball shoe’s and soccer cleats you really need to be here and try them on yourself. Puma has a good soccer trainer though, if you wanted to get non-cleated. If you wanna get a running shoe, I personally love New Balances, but Adidas and Nike also have some good ones. What size is he?”

 

I haven’t been paying a damn bit of attention to what he’s been saying, just staring at his lips, teeth, and tongue as he’s been talking. I wonder if he’s the type of guy that likes to eat out girls…

 

“Jess…”

 

“Huh?” I try and smile.

 

“What’s his size?”

 

“Shit.” I feel my face burn, half because I was caught staring at him and half because here I am buying shoes for my brother with no fucking clue what size shoe he wears. I smile and say, “I’ll call my mom.”

 

He laughs, “I’ll go get some shoes so you can pick out the ones you want. And girl, if he doesn’t like em, he can bring them back and exchange or whatever, alright? We’ll make sure he’s hooked up.”

 

He turns and I watch him walk away as I blindly search through my purse. He talks to a couple employees at the register and then goes into the back stock room.

 

I gotta calm myself down. And…and I just don’t know how I’m going to do it with the feeling of his hands on my back and his lips near my face and his smile and his eyes directed only at me.

 

He’s been looking only at me.

 

The distance allows me to collect myself and by the time he comes back I’m joking about how uncomfortable the benches are. It doesn’t take long for us to pick out some shoes for my brother. Justin says he’d think I was the best sister if I got him the shoes we decided on. It’s interesting ‘cause we came to the decision together, as if my brother was our child or something…

 

I have to stop that type of thinking quickly so I ask him about my shoes, ‘cause he had mentioned hooking me up as well. The next thing I know we were on the other side of the store and he’s pulling off one shoe after another, making me hold them in my hands and tell him whether I think they’re cute or not.

 

He asks me if I work out, and I tell him I do a lot of biking and rowing at the gym but mostly just like to go out for a jog a few times a week. He looks like a kid in a candy store, showing me shoe after shoe. I can finally tell that he kind of loves his job, or at least loves what his store sells. He knows all about arches and soles and materials. And I’ve just sat here and smiled and watched him.

 

He’s so fucking intriguing to watch. If he had a webcam blog or something of his daily activities I’d watch….

 

Great, great. Just fucking great. I was doing good and now I’m thinking about cyber sex. Too bad my internet connection sucks at the apartment.

 

“I want you to try on these, too.” He sets a pair of grey and pink Pumas beside me. I look from the shoes back up to him.

 

God, he even looks giddy.

 

“You’re like a gay man in a dress shop.”

 

He narrows his eyes, “Hey!”

 

“Just be glad you don’t have like real shoes here, or I might be the one going nuts and you’d have to find 7’s in every shoe you had.”

 

“Real shoes…” He rolls his eyes and mumbles, “Stupid women…” He starts walking back to the stock room again, I guess to get me these new shoes he wants me to try on. He already made me stand up and walk around in like five pairs. Now it’s like 6:30 and my stomach’s rumbling and I probably need to call Liz and tell her I might be a little late and he’s…he’s still here, on a Friday, helping me shop.

 

It doesn’t mean anything. It can’t.

 

“I take offense to that! I’d like to speak to your manager,” I call out and he just keeps walking.

 

I take off the shoes I had on. They were weird. They didn’t have laces and I told him I didn’t like alien future shoes that just slip on. He laughed at me. He’s always laughing at me and I don’t really give a damn. It’s kind of sexy. Like maybe he really thinks I’m funny. I like that. I like knowing I can make him happy and make him laugh.

 

A few minutes later I hear a deep voice from behind me, close to my ear, “Ma’am is there a problem?”

 

“You’re such a nerd.” I turn and put my hand on his head and push him away. Shit, his hair is soft on the top, yet still a little rough where it’s short on the sides. Perfect for me to grab the top when he’s down there eating me out and the sides would just barely brush and scratch my thighs.

 

“Didn’t think you’d be the role playing type…trying to play the angry customer and let me be the manager and make it all better.”

 

“Hush…” Fuck. I want him to make it all better. Or I want him to be a police officer and arrest me. Or be my boss and fuck me on the bench right here. I’ve gotta stop thinking about these horribly uncomfortable benches. He steps over the bench and comes in front of me and squats down

 

Oh dear lord.

 

He pulls the shoes out of their box, taking out the little plastic rod and tissue stuck in it to form the shoe and starts working on the laces. Then he takes my foot and puts it on one of his knees. If I was his girlfriend, I’d move my foot closer. I’d tease the shit out of him.

 

But I’m not his girlfriend so I just sit there.

 

I smile at him. He’s still concentrating on the shoe and I’m sitting here sprawled out on the bench in front of him, thinking of how fucking hot he is right now. “If you dare tickle my foot I will kick you in the face.”

 

He turns up his nose and says, “I just hope your feet don’t stink.”

 

“They might. I’ve been standing up all day. Do you have to deal with that a lot, like people’s nasty ass feet?”

 

“Nah, I mean I use to.” He shrugs. “Most people don’t want someone to really help them besides get them the shoe. And now that I’m a manager I’m hardly ever out here on the sales floor actually helping customers. Usually I have so much shit to do in the back, like ya know, I gotta do the books and check in inventory and call other stores to move shipments and call corporate and try to get more of one brand or whatnot. The only time I help customers is when their pissed at the world.”

 

I smile. Him helping me then is like, it’s like a special thing. I mean it was special to begin with, but the fact that he’s taking so much time with me I know is a rarity.

 

“Do you get lonely back there?”

 

I bite my lip. I didn’t mean to whisper it like I did.

 

His eyes are boring into mine. He licks his lips. I think I almost come in my pants. “Sometimes.”

 

I breathe deeply as he shoves the shoe down over my foot. “Our stock room is like a freezer.”

 

“I have a blanket in ours.” He smiles, laces me up tight and pulls on my other socked foot and puts it on his other knee.

 

“No you don’t.” I tease, thinking about how muscular his legs must be. He’s been squatting down for a while now.

 

“Ok I don’t, but I do keep a hoodie back there.” He laces my other shoe up and puts my foot down and rubs his thighs and then stands up.

 

I point my toes and look at them. “I like these.”

 

“Told ya, ladies love their Pumas.” He holds out his hands and I put mine against his, not thinking about how clammy my hands are. It makes me feel a little better to know that his are too. Not like gross sweaty, but just warm and moist.

 

“Do they now?” He yanks me up gently and we’re so close right now, holding hands kind of, staring at each other. “So do you give all the girls that walk in here special treatment and compliments?”

 

I bet his hands would be warm and moist after we had wild, passionate, hard, hot sex. Those hands just running all over my skin, everywhere.

 

I gulp. I immediately drop his hands and start walking away, staring at myself and the shoes in the mirror I’m walking towards.

 

I turn back around and he’s staring, his dark eyes are looking right at me.

 

Good fucking lord.

 

“Only the attractive ones.”

 

I walk back closer and bounce on my feet a little, liking the way these feel when I walk. Light and bouncy and fun. I narrow my eyes at him and lean in close, “You’re being a bad flirt today.”

 

“I’m sorry, I’ll try and stop.” He seems sincere and concerned, as if maybe he’s offended me.

 

I can’t resist it and I run my hand over his broad shoulder and smile, “It’s ok. I don’t mind.”

 

I walk back away from him a little more, thinking about the shoes and him and everything and I hear him call out, “Hey, ya know we should do something sometime.”

 

I freeze.

 

I turn and find myself staring at him. A man says ‘excuse me’ to me and I now finally realize that me and him aren’t the only people in this store.

 

Did…

 

Did he just ask me out?

 

His face is pinkish, not beet red, but has more color to it than normal. He’s chewing on his lips furiously.

 

Holy fucking shit.

 

“I mean, I don’t know. I feel like we see each other everyday and I don’t know hardly anything about you.”

 

“Oh well...I mean I don’t…”

 

I’m an idiot. A fucking code red, high security, needs shock therapy idiot.

 

“Ya know,” he smiles and laughs a little, kneeling down to pick up a couple of the boxes we decided against. “See if maybe Bev would wanna go out and I can get Kevin and just like a big group for dinner and drinks or something.”

 

Oh…

 

Well I guess, I guess that’s…that’s something. It’s not a date but…but I don’t know. I have a headache.

 

“Yeah…yeah that’d be nice,” I say.

 

“Awesome…” He looks up and smiles and I slowly walk back over where he’s cleaning up the little mess we made in trying on all these shoes. I kind of feel bad. I spent five minutes on my brother and 30 on myself. “So you wanna try on those others or are you in love with that pair and ready to check out?”

 

I look at him and he’s smiling at me again, face back to its normal color. He still has that small, barely there beard he’s been growing against his chin and cheeks and his lips are pink, not like lip-gloss pink, but fleshy pink, attractive, full.

 

Especially since he’s been biting on them.

 

Fuck. Fucking hell. I hate myself and I hate him and I can’t fucking stand it that I came here.

 

‘Cause here I am, wanting to fuck his brains out and…and dammit, I care about him. And I’m not supposed to do that. I’m not supposed to worry and think about him ‘cause…‘cause that’s gonna bring this whole thing to a place he’s probably not ready for. I don’t know what I’m talking about. I don’t even know if he really wants me or likes me or is just a nice guy.

 

He could be gay for all I know.

 

Ok, he’s not gay.

 

But I almost wish he were. Then…then it wouldn’t make this so fucking difficult and torturous.

 

I sigh, look down at my feet and then back up at him, “I’m kind of in love.”

 

And when I say it I’m not sure if I mean my shoes or something else.

The Lunch Date

 

I took a sick day yesterday ‘cause I was hung over as hell.  Pete took me out all weekend and…and I kind of went crazy.  I don’t know what it was, but I just…I kept drinking and drinking and drinking.

 

I guess I was trying to get her out of my mind. But the more I drank, the more I thought about her and the more unique positions I came up with; on the floor, in the car, on the table at the bar, on the bed. Sideways with me behind her, lifting her leg over my hip so just the tip of me would slide in and tease her as I touched her breasts and in between her legs, making her thrash about the bed and taking her hand in mine and bringing it down so that she could feel both of us together down there.

 

And then, the more I thought about it, about really being with her, I guess the more…the more I seemed to almost, I don’t know, care about her.

 

And then I woke up Saturday morning on my couch with a girl on top of me.

 

I didn’t know who she was and it scared me out of my mind.  It’s only happened to me one other time in my life.  I was like 19 or 20, went to this party and woke up the next morning still at the house with this girl in her underwear on top of me.  It was the first and last time I ever had sex with someone I didn’t really know.  Thankfully, this time we were both fully clothed, but I still kind of freaked out on her.

 

I woke up and pushed her off of me and she followed me into the kitchen.  When I asked her what happened she had rolled her eyes and said, “Not a damn thing.” Then she called me the biggest loser she knew and angrily got her stuff, yelling through my condo for her friend “Candace”.

 

I just stood there.  I didn’t know how I had gotten home.  I didn’t know who Candace was, who she was, and I kind of freaked myself out.  I promised myself I wouldn’t ever get that drunk.  I told myself I was too old for that kind of thing when I turned 23. 

 

The last thing I remembered Friday night was doing shots with Dwayne and Kevin and Pete and a few of Pete’s friends at Player’s. 

 

The door was slammed to my condo and Pete came out of my guest bedroom, looking tired and disheveled. I was so thankful he hadn’t fucked someone in my bed.  He just scratched his head and smiled at me.  He didn’t have a shirt on and looked like the cockiest asshole in the world.

 

That’s what he is, but he’s still my friend.

 

“Who the fuck were they?” I was pissed, angry.  And I had a hell of a hangover.

 

“Candace and Tiff.”

 

“Fuck…” I ran my hands over my face and sat back down on my couch.  Why couldn’t it have been Jess?  Why couldn’t I have woken up with her on top of me, just sleeping there sweetly, nuzzled against my chest?  God I wonder if she likes that sort of thing after sex?

 

It always depends with me.  I mean I’ve hooked up with a few girls before that were just acquaintances. Afterwards I kind of just laid there with them, but I didn’t make an effort to be sweet or anything.

 

The few girlfriends I’ve had I liked to kind of have them near me afterward, breathing heavy, sweaty, and their nails slowly running against my chest, us laughing quietly or falling asleep together.

 

I want that with her.    I want to wake up with her hung over on top of me, barely clothed and grumpy.  Or beside me, curled up, completely naked and satisfied. 

 

I want to wake up to her lazy smile and pin her against the bed underneath me and just look at her body and kiss her all over, spreading her legs and having sex with her slow and lazy, not even really caring about getting off, just doing it ‘cause it feels so fucking good.

 

Pete had come over and sat on the arm of my recliner and just said, “I’m so disappointed in you.”

 

“What?”

 

He had thrown his hands up and shook his head at me, “I gave you the easiest slut of them all and you couldn’t even do anything with her.  Not even get a hand job out of it!  She kissed you and you pushed her away.  All you fucking did last night was talk about that Jessica girl and I’m fucking tired of it!  We come home and you lay on the couch and she gets on you and I’m thinking, thatta boy, but you just pass out.  God what’s with you!”

 

I felt sick, like I might throw up.  I didn’t realize how bad I got the night before, how drunk, how lonely, and how obsessed with this girl I got. “Shit.”

 

“Look you either ask the girl out or drop it.  I’m tried of you being this way.  You’ve never been this fucked up about a girl before.  And I know you don’t like hooking up and you’d rather have a relationship.  If that’s it then just go for her; stop obsessing over her and being a pussy!  Don’t pull out all this I don’t want a relationship bull shit you do and then not even be able to fuck a hot, random girl.  It doesn’t make sense.”  He was right and I knew it. 

 

I had told everyone that I didn’t want a relationship, and I didn’t.  I haven’t.  And then when I met Jess I kept that attitude even though it was a lie.  God dammit, I really do want her.

 

And here Pete was talking about forgetting her, dropping her.  But I don’t want to drop her, god I can’t just “drop” her.  She’s what gets me going through the day, her and the thoughts about her doing all sorts of dirty little things with me.  

 

Pete stood up and pointed at me, “That’s why it’s me and you this weekend, man.  I’m going to either make you so miserable you’ll have to ask her out, or you’re gonna forget her entirely.”

 

Two nights of drinking and random girls hanging all over me later, I found myself Monday morning, depressed, hung over, and fed up.  I called in sick and spent the day hanging around the house in my underwear trying to get the guts to ask Jess out, thinking about how I would ask her and shit.  I finally just tried to figure out a way to get her off my mind.

 

It was a lost cause.

 

There was even this one girl, Anne was her name I think, and she and I had a long, long conversation at the bar Saturday night.  At first I thought she just wanted to fuck me or something ‘cause Pete was giving me the thumbs up.  But it turns out her boyfriend is over in Iraq and she didn’t really want to come out, but her girlfriends made her.  I talked to her all about Jessica. I told her how I saw her every day and how I had never been so sexually attracted to someone in my life, and she talked to me about how much she missed her boyfriend.  She even started to cry and I felt really bad for her.

 

She told me I should just forget everyone and everything else and just do what I wanted and to be up front with Jessica about my feelings.  She said girls hated mixed signals as much as guys did.

 

She was right.

 

But now it’s Tuesday morning. I’m shuffling up the stairs to go get my Reese’s and I don’t know what the fuck to do.  I haven’t been this nervous since I was in ninth grade and asked the girl that sat beside me in homeroom to go out to a movie with me that Friday night.  I didn’t even really like her, but all my other friends were asking girls out. 

 

She ended up turning me down.  Senior year she had the biggest crush on me, but she was kind of a weird girl and I was dating someone else anyway.

 

When I walk in the store Beverly is opening some cardboard boxes and pricing some items. Jess is ringing up a little girl who’s buying several stuffed animals while her mom watches from a few feet away. 

 

“Heylo ladies…” I smile.  Jess looks fine as hell, a little pink polo shirt under her apron, a bright smile. She sticks her tongue out at me and then looks back at the little girl, helping her count out her change.

 

“Oh no…” Bev says and I snap my attention from Jess’s full, pouty lips to her.  She’s pointing her finger at me angrily.  I don’t know if she’s kidding or not.  “You leave now.  You are not welcome here.”

 

“What?”  I laugh a little, but then I realize that she’s not joking.  She looks mad as hell.

 

Her hands are on her hips. “I heard about your Friday night adventures!”

 

“Beverly.”  I roll my eyes and move a little bit so that the girl Jess was ringing can get by me.  Oh great, I bet Dwayne told her all about how drunk we got.

 

“What’s going on?” I see Jess standing there with a little, confused smile looking in between me and Beverly.  I open my mouth to speak, to explain.

 

But Beverly speaks first, “Justin went wild Friday night.”

 

Jess smiles at my slyly, “Did you now?”  I wish I had, I wish I had gone wild on her.  That would have been so much fucking fun, if she were there and we were drunk.  ‘Cause then I could tell her without being nervous how much I wanted her.  And maybe, maybe she’d want me to.

 

And we could have sloppy, drunk sex on my couch instead of some random ho sleeping on me.

 

I bet Jess would be wild, too when she’s drunk.  Staring at me with those eyes like if she doesn’t have my dick she might just explode.  God I fucking love that look, and I haven’t seen it in a long time from a woman.  I wanna see her bite her lips.  I could sit up on the couch and pull her over on top of me and fuck her right there, holding onto her as she rode me. Breathing hard and cussing under her breath, head tilted back, moving her hips steadily, turning to look back at me and saying, “Ohhhhh…” in that really whiney voice.

 

I wouldn’t even care if Pete was there and saw it all.  I’d just look at him like, “THIS is what I’ve been wanting.”  He wouldn’t be able to say shit then. 

 

“No, it’s not cute!” Beverly is pissed and I’m not quite sure why.  It’s ruining my mood and here I am getting close to getting enough courage to ask Jess out.  “He got my boyfriend drunk as hell so that he was useless Saturday morning when I needed him to take care of Bailey.”

 

I put my hands up.  That’s ridiculous; we didn’t force him to drink.  He was the one that said we should all take shots of whiskey.  “Hey don’t blame that on me.”

 

Her arms are now crossed over her chest and she stares at me, moves her eyes to the left of her, as if to acknowledge Jess, and then gives me a look I’m unsure the meaning of.  “And I’m mad ‘cause you hooked up with some skanky girl.”

 

I blink. “What?”

 

While Beverly explains it all, all the twisted version of my weekend, I look at Jess.  She’s not looking at me anymore but staring down at the floor.  I can’t read her face or her posture.  “Dwayne said you were kissing up on this girl that looked like she was a stripper.  Now you know better than that Justin!”

 

“Beverly…” I lower my voice and shake my head. Here…here I had almost gotten the courage to come up here and maybe see if Jess wanted to come to this party with me this weekend.  But now…now Beverly is fucking up any chance that I had.  “Not now.”

 

“Was that where you were yesterday?  With that girl?”

 

God, she’s being a bitch!  Jess is now looking away from the register. She’s biting her lips.  She looks upset, or tired or…something. “No I was sick.”

 

“Yeah right.  You guys are 25 years old Justin, and Dwayne and Kevin have girlfriends so you shouldn’t be out partying that hard.”

 

I scoff.  This is ridiculous.  I don’t know why Beverly is so fucking pissed at me.  I didn’t do anything to her or Dwayne.  It’s not her role to mother me or be a sister or some annoying shit like that. And if she wants to believe something else that’s fucking fine.  But making me look bad in front of Jessica is stupid.  I shake my head, “Fine, I’m leaving.”

 

“No, no…” I stop and turn around and raise my eyebrow at her.  She’s come from around the register and is touching my arm, looking up at me.  No longer does she look angry, but more upset, more concerned.  God what the fuck is going on with this bitch, I can’t handle it!  “Look.  I gotta go price some stuff, just…”  She stares at me hard, like my mom does when she thinks I’ve made a horrible decision, like when I told her I was going to be a manger at Foot Locker instead of taking full time courses.  “What were you thinking?”

 

“Nothing happened.”

 

Bev tightens her mouth and slightly nods over to Jess.  She’s now got her arms stretched out, hands gripping the edge of the counter in a stretch, her head hanging down. 

 

I don’t know what the hell is going through Beverly’s mind, calling me out in front of Jess and yet at the same time nodding at her and acting like I did something to hurt her.  It’s her insinuating shit that hurt her.  I didn’t hurt her at all, did I?

 

She’s not looking at me, but she’s just stretching her arms out.

 

But she hasn’t looked at me since Beverly said something.

 

I didn’t kiss that girl.  She kissed me and I pushed her away and told her I wasn’t interested.  At least, that’s what Pete says I did.  I don’t remember it well.  He tried more girls the next night and I just was polite to them, but didn’t flirt at all.  I didn’t want to flirt anymore.

 

I just wanted Jess. 

 

Pete told me if I didn’t ask Jessica out by the end of this week he would no longer be my friend.

 

I know he’s joking, but I’m taking him up on that bet.  I plan to ask her out this week. I can’t stand the suspense and the anxiety anymore.  I just, I gotta get the right moment and I can tell right now is not it.  Maybe it was, but Bev ruined it.

 

Beverly turns away and I watch her excuse herself by Jessica. She grabs the box she was looking through, the pricing gun perched on top, and carries it towards the back of the store. 

 

And just like that we’re alone and I’m so fucking thankful.

 

Jess looks at me and I smile.  We’re finally alone.

 

She just keeps looking at me, this kind of tired look in her eyes. She sighs, “So someone had an eventful weekend.”

 

“Yeah, too eventful.”  I roll my eyes.  Maybe she’ll ignore what Bev said and ask me what happened herself.

 

She licks her lips and crosses her arms.  The look she’s giving me is no longer tired but challenging, angry.

 

Fuck.

 

“Enjoy it?”

 

I shake my head and she looks away. “Jessica…”

 

“What?” Her eyes smack back into mine and I feel breathless.  Shit, she’s…she’s mad at me. 

 

And while it should upset me, it doesn’t. It…it kind of excites me.  Makes me think that her anger means she really fucking likes me and is upset I possibly hooked up with someone else. 

 

God she’s hot when she’s pissed.  I can see her coming in, pissed at me for something, slamming the door and smacking my shoulder and yelling at me, screaming at me.

 

And then grabbing my shirt and kissing me so hard, biting my lips and growling at me to lay down.  And she’d fuck me all angry and hard on the floor, riding me fast, smacking her hips down against mine with each thrust, cussing me out while she did it. Biting at my lips and forcing me to cum inside her hard and vicious.

 

I can’t help but smile at the image in my head.  Nice.

 

“Are you mad at me, too?”  I pout at her.

 

She laughs and rolls her eyes, “Why would I be mad?”

 

Well, hold on.  Now I’m confused.  She is acting mad, but maybe she’s annoyed at something else.  Maybe this has nothing to do with me. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe she doesn’t give a shit about what I do.  I chew on my bottom lip and it’s quiet for a while.  She doesn’t look at me again and starts picking at her nails a little bit.

 

Maybe, maybe I’ve hurt her feelings.

 

“I didn’t hook up with that girl,” I say.  I feel like I have to defend myself to her and…and that means there has to be something there.  That means I definitely have feelings for her.

 

“What?  Why are you explaining yourself to me?” She says bitterly, “I’m not your mother, and I’m surely not your girlfriend.  Beverly might think she’s your mom or something but I don’t give a shit what you do.  Have a good time, that’s what I say.”

 

She shrugs and I know she’s full of shit. 

 

I can see right through her now, but I decide to drop it.  She’s just confused, just like me.  I guess.  I clear my throat and try to smile at her a little, “So, did your brother like the shoes?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

That’s all she says.

 

God dammit.  I don’t know what the fuck is going on.  I feel uneasy.  I don’t like this version of Jess.  I mean I did at first, the thought of her being angry with me and fucking me.  But that’d be if we were together and I knew how to make her happy.  But we aren’t together and, and her being mad at me could really ruin any chances of us possibly getting together.  Whether it’s me, or what Bev said, or something different, she’s upset and I can’t stand it not knowing why.  It’s gotta be me though, she was smiling at me when I first came in, before she heard about that girl.

 

And it just sucks.  ‘Cause…‘cause god, all I want is her.  All I want is Jess.  Can’t she see that?  I mean I know I’m not the most subtle guy in the world.

 

I lean over the counter and almost want to reach over and touch her.  “Jess…”

 

“What?”  She says it harsh and loud.

 

I try to get her to laugh a little and pass her a small smile, “You think I’m some male whore?”

 

“We already knew that Justin.” Well damn.  She rolls her eyes and sighs like I’m the most annoying person in the world.  I don’t like this attitude and…and it’s not fair that she’s giving it to me.  And what’s even more unfair is that that part of me still finds it sexy, even though I know I shouldn’t and I know I should be digging myself out of this hole I’m in.   “I mean come on, you flirt with everyone.  Make everyone think you like them and shit.  Whatever.  Everyone knows that.  It’s kind of expected that you go out on the weekend and fuck random sluts.”

 

Shit!  Just shit!  I don’t know whether to be upset, angry, or to get behind the register and push her body up against the counter and make her shut up.  And I mean make her shut up, pushing my crotch into her against her little apron, gripping her neck and face and kissing her, not letting her push me away or speak.

 

“Jessica,” I say, forcefully.

 

“Look, I got work to do.”

 

“No…” I smack my hand against the counter and lean across it, staring right at her and saying carefully and clearly, “I didn’t fuck anyone this weekend Jessica.  I got really drunk and really stupid.  Why does it matter to you so much?”

 

“It doesn’t.” She does that fake, uncaring, bitter laugh again.  “That’s why I’m curious as to why you’re making it into this big deal.”

 

“‘Cause you have an attitude with me!”

 

She looks away from me and says softly, “Well maybe I’m just tired of your flirting.”

 

“Fine,” I say and push myself from the counter.  I’m done with this.  Fucking through. What a little bitch.

 

She yells back at me, “Fine!”

 

What a sexy little bitch.  God, it’s fucking unfair. I feel like throwing something.  I feel like this thing is bubbling up inside of me and either, either I’m gonna knock down this stand with candles on it or I’m gonna march over there and kiss her as hard as I can. I don’t care if there are other people in the store or anything.  I feel itchy and sick and jittery, like a bomb ready to go off.

 

I can’t… I fucking can’t stand this anymore!

 

I’m halfway to the door when I turn around and march right back and lean against the counter again.  Fuck this.  I’m doing it.  I’m just going for it. 

 

“What are you doing Friday night?”

 

“I’ve got a date.”  She narrows her eyes slightly.

 

We stare at each other.

 

I narrow my eyes back at her.

 

She’s lying.

 

“Really?”

 

It pisses me off that she’s lying to me and…and kind of hurts my feelings.  I mean maybe she does have a date, but if she doesn’t then that means she’s just saying that to get out of spending time with me.  It means she thinks I’m disgusting. 

 

It makes me fucking furious.  God damn you Beverly!

 

“Yes, now I really have to get this product out and help Bev.  So unless there’s anything else I can help you with I really need to go.”

 

My angry mood collapses and I sigh.  I feel pitiful, pathetic.  I haven’t felt this way in a long, long time.

 

“Look I’m sorry,” I say.  God I’m almost whining.

 

“No reason to be sorry Justin.”  She shrugs and it makes me want to puke.  She’s so uncaring, so distant, like she’s done with me, like she doesn’t give a rat’s ass, like I’m some annoying customer she’s trying to get rid of.

 

She’s trying to get rid of me.  She waves her hand a little and walks away. “I’ll see ya.”

 

She’s gone before I can do anything about it. 

 

Holy shit.  That did not just happen. 

 

I look up and the store is empty and I guess she’s in the stock room with Bev, probably talking about how much of an asshole I am and how she’s never gonna ring me up for Reese’s anymore.  I didn’t get them today.  Hell, I didn’t…I didn’t do anything!

 

God she’s the reason I didn’t do anything.  She’s the reason I pushed those girls away and freaked out and came up here this morning on a mission to ask her out.

 

She’s the reason for everything! For all of this!

 

Maybe…maybe this is just God’s way of saying I should forget it.  That I should just stop obsessing over it.  ‘Cause, ‘cause I know now that it’s more than me just wanting to bang the shit out of her.  I do want to bang her…every night, but I also wanna wake up to her in the morning and kiss her and make her coffee and tell her I hope she has a good day at work. I want to come in here at 10:45 and get my Reese’s and flirt with her, tease her and not have any questions about what she means or if she’s being sincere or not.  And I want to go on lunch dates with her and cut them short so we can go back to my car and make out in the parking lot and then at 5:30 maybe, maybe we could ride home together and watch a movie, or eat dinner curled up on the couch and I could kiss her whenever I wanted to.  I could try to turn her on whenever I wanted.  And, and I could touch her whenever I wanted.

 

Wherever I wanted.

 

That…that kind of thing. 

 

I want more than just her body now, I want it all.

 

And now I get nothing, nothing but a bitchy attitude.  And it makes me upset and angry and pathetic and horny. I want to fuck that attitude out of her.  I want to make her see that I do want to be with her with each strong, smacking thrust. I wanna make her smile and make her feel so good.  I want to show her that she’s all I want.

 

I want to make her scream.

 

I want to make her cry it feels so good.

 

And now I’ll never get that chance.

 

I think I’m going to have to call Dwayne and tell him to get his girlfriend in check.  ‘Cause she was way out of line and she just ruined something that could have been one of the best things in my life.

I hate him.  I hate myself.  I hate Beverly.  I hate…I hate everyone.

 

I fucking cried this morning.  Cried!! God, I’m so fucking pathetic.  It shouldn’t matter.  I shouldn’t care.  Beverly told me she was sorry that she overreacted and that she shouldn’t have blown up at him in front of me and that she wasn’t there and wasn’t positive at what went down.  She said she was just having a bad day ‘cause she didn’t sleep well and even called Dwayne to ask him about it again.  She put him on speaker without him knowing so I could hear what he said.  Dwayne just said some girl was all over him and trying to kiss him and he seemed uninterested.  But, but then he said she went home with him.  Then he told Beverly that she should mind her own business and stop trying to mother everyone.  I felt bad.  She took him off speaker and proceeded to get in a big fight with him.

 

I guess it’s just a sucky day for everyone.

 

It’s just that I thought after the whole shoe buying thing that maybe he might like me, ya know?  I spent all weekend getting my hopes up.  I gushed to Liz about it all fucking Friday night.  My mom even noticed on Saturday that I was a little too giddy and I finally told her I had a crush on someone.  She was so excited.  Since she and dad married when they were 21 I’m apparently way beyond age and running out of time.

 

But now my one fucking chance is gone ‘cause he had fun this weekend and I got defensive and depressed.  And…and it shouldn’t matter.  It...it doesn’t.  We’re not together.  He didn’t cheat on me.  In fact, he even asked me out and I…what do I do?  I act like a moron and tell him I have a date.  I just, I wanted him to feel like I did.  I wanted him to be jealous.

 

And he didn’t even care.  He was just like ‘oh whatever.’

 

Ugh!!  

 

Yeah, yeah ‘oh fucking whatever’!!  Maybe next time he gets drunk I’ll call up Bev’s boyfriend and find them and go throw myself at Justin.  Maybe that’s the only way to get him.

 

Maybe if I just went down to Foot Locker now instead of going to get lunch and walked in and went up to him and said straight into his face, “Justin let’s fuck” then he’d do it.  Maybe I have to be a slut for him.

 

But I don’t want to be a slut.

 

I mean, I do, just for him, but in private.  I don’t want it to be this spoken thing that we like plan or schedule.  God I don’t even know.  He doesn’t even like me. He fucked some random girl this weekend and it shouldn’t matter and I should just get over it and stop being a pathetic little girl.

 

God, but then why did he ask me out?

 

He must of just saw through my bull shit and saw I was jealous and felt sorry for me.  That’s gotta be it. That’s the only answer.

 

I sigh and step up to the register, “Hey Jess, usual?”

 

I sigh and smile at the girl in front of me, Ginnie.  Our mall has a horrible food court but at least there’s a Panera there, and at least they have booths and stuff inside it so I don’t have to go out in the middle of the mall where everyone can see me eat.  I hate when people watch me eat.  Today though, I just wanna get back to the store and sit in the stock room and eat my soup and salad and, and I don’t know, maybe cry some more.  Maybe I should call Liz. She’ll make me feel better.   Yeah right, she’s like perfectly married and shit.

 

Hell, maybe I should quit.

 

Yeah, I should just quit today. Go ahead and get it over with.

 

“Yeah, to go please.”

 

She rings me up and tilts her head, “You alright girl?”

 

I pass Ginnie a small smile, “One of those days.”

 

“I hear ya.”

 

She hands me back my change and I walk down the counter, putting my money back in my purse and going to the “pick up” area to wait for my order.  I almost drop my little Styrofoam drink cup while putting everything back in.  Ugh, my nerves are just shattered.  I sigh and finally just stuff the cash in the purse instead of trying to put it back in my wallet.

 

Like.  God I don’t know. 

 

I guess he seemed sincere. He seemed upset that I was mad at him, but I…god I don’t even think I was mad at him.  Part of me was mad at myself for getting my hopes up, another part of me was jealous as hell and …and a small part was secretly loving the confused, pitiful look on his face.  God, I’m so bitchy, but he just looked so lost, like I had all the power to make it better.

 

And I wanted to.  I wanted to tell him to take me away with him, tell him I’d do whatever he wanted me to. 

 

But I didn’t want him to break my heart and I could feel it already happening.  It hasn’t gotten better as the days go on and that’s a very dangerous thing.  A stupid crush shouldn’t have the power to break my heart.

 

“Order for Jessica…”  I smile and step up and grab my large paper bag. At least I have my lunch.

 

“Thanks…” Great, now I’ll probably drop my drink.  I’ve got too much shit to juggle.  I walk over to the soda machine, clutching my purse and paper bag and I set down the cup while I hoist up my purse strap. 

 

God I probably even just look like a mess right now.  Ya know when you’re just so fucked in the head and you can just tell that everyone else can see right through you and you just look like you’re one big jumbled puzzle?  That’s what I am right now.

 

“Hey…”

 

I jump at the voice. And when I look beside me I see it’s, god, it’s him. There with a cup in his hand and his uniform on, black and white striped shirt, name tag nicely pinned against the right side of his chest.  I took my apron off before I came down here.  If you wear it around outside the store people assume you know everything about the mall and they’ll stop and ask you questions and tick away the time on your break.  It’s annoying.

 

But this look he’s giving me isn’t annoying. I want to just die in that look.  It’s pleading, it’s serious, and it’s…it’s so fucking sweet.

 

He’s fucking beautiful.

 

Damn those eyes.

 

Great.  Just fucking great.

 

“Hi.” I say curtly and work quickly to get some ice and Diet Coke in my cup.  I need to get out of here, fast.

 

Of course he’s here. Of course.

 

“I want you to come eat lunch with me.”

 

It’s not a question and the forcefulness of his tone kind of excites me.

 

I turn and look at him, shocked out of my mind.  His hand is now on my arm and he’s moving close to me, his other hand outreached refilling his cup with Sprite.

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“Jess, please.”  Oh my god, he’s begging.  He takes a swallow from his cup and I realize he’s tugging me out of the way while someone behind me fills up their drink.  I guess I was blocking the way, dumbfounded by this moment with him.  “I’m by myself over here in the corner and this old man is eating his lunch and staring at me and he has a Hitler mustache and I think he might kill me.”

 

I stare at him and he starts to smile just a little bit. 

 

I can’t stand it.  I start to smile and then I laugh.  “I hate you.”

 

“Why?”  He asks, still tugging me back into the back section of the dining area.  He’s got a little booth all to himself.  And there’s no old man in sight and I love the fact that he has such a horribly dorky imagination.  There’s a newspaper on Justin’s table, unfolded and a tray with a half eaten sandwich, a half eaten pickle, and an open bag of potato chips.

 

Even what he ordered is cute to me.  This is pathetic. Sick, that’s what it is. 

 

“‘Cause…‘cause you’re fucking adorable!”  I sigh and plop down, setting my cup and my bag of food on the table.  I can’t believe I’m here with him.

 

And I can’t believe that two hours ago I was bitching him out.

 

“I am?  I thought you were mad at me.”  He slides into the booth across from me.  Dammit, once again a counter separating us. 

 

“I am mad,” I say and pull out my soup and my salad from the bag.  He’s looking at my food as I pull it out.

 

I open up the plastic container holding my salad and start putting the dressing on it.  I always eat my salad before my soup; I’m weird and anal about very small insignificant things.  After a few bites I look up and he’s just staring at me, sandwich in his hand, nibbling on his bottom lip.

 

“So…talk,” he says.

 

I bust out laughing.  He’s so weird.  “What do you want to talk about?”

 

“Ok, fine. I’ll talk.”  He takes a big bite of his sandwich and sets it down before taking a huge gulp from his drink.  I’m kind of mad he tugged me over before I was able to get a lid and straw, but I see he’s the type that doesn’t like those things.  He likes taking long swallows, lips around the edge of the cup.  I bet he’s the type to crunch on ice.

 

I never thought I’d be jealous of a Styrofoam cup.

 

He sighs and looks right at me.  His face is flushed and his eyes look excited.  “If I ramble I’m sorry, I just...” He chuckles a little and makes a silly face.  “Sometimes I get nervous around you.  Because well, fine, I’m just gonna say it.”  He pauses and nods his head.  “I have to say it ‘cause everything today that happened kind of brought it to this crazy point and it needs to get said.”  He licks his lips and smiles.

 

He looks at the table for a moment and then moves his eyes so they are looking directly at me.  He says softly, “I like you and, and I kind of was starting to think you liked me, too.  But now I don’t know.  I went out this weekend and got wasted, like more than I have in a long time and there was this girl, and I don’t even know her name. Pete kept throwing her on me and I don’t remember doing anything with her. Pete says he’s pretty positive I didn’t do anything and the girl was all like bitchy and pissed the next morning and she told me I was a big loser because all I did the night before was sit around and talk about a girl named Jessica the whole time.”

 

My ears are ringing and I think I’ve lost the ability to speak.  I lick my lips and gulp.

 

I feel out of breath, giddy, and somehow completely calm.  He…he said it.

 

“I like you.”

 

Oh my god! Oh my god!  He fucking likes me!!!

 

Hell I don’t even know if I care if he did do something with some girl this weekend.  I don’t even think it matters!  He...he admitted it. He SAID it!  So, so I’m not crazy.  God I wonder if he thinks about me like I do him.

 

Breathe Jess, breathe.  I can’t go crazy.  If I do I might scare him off. 

 

I smile and play the dumb girl card, “What…”

 

He chews on his lip and smiles right at me.  And this time I don’t have to question it and I don’t have to tack it up to just being careless flirting.  He’s smiling at me because he fucking likes me.  “I’ve been trying to get the guts to ask you out for a really long time and I am a loser and I’ve been scared to.”

 

“You’re scared?”  I sit back and cover my mouth.  Scared?  Sexy, confident, flirty Justin…scared?  Of me?

 

And this whole time I just thought he was a nice, flirty guy, and…and he really likes me?

 

Oh my god. 

 

That’s it!

 

I want to fuck him.

 

Now. 

 

Right now.

 

I cross my legs and suppress the urge to squeal and lunge across the table.

 

“I didn’t want you to turn me down or something.  And...I don’t know, for the longest time I didn’t know if it was just a crush or …”  He doesn’t look at me and he bites a little bit of his sandwich and mumbles, “Or something else.”

 

I gulp.  Please…please be what I think it is.

 

Please tell me you wanna fuck me hard and fast in the bathroom right now.  ‘Cause I’ll do it.  I will.  I’ll leave my purse and my food and everything right here and stand up and go to the bathroom, men’s, women’s, I don’t care.  And I’ll go in a stall and wait for you and then you can come find me.  And I’ll just stand there and let you mold me into the shape you want and I’ll have to bite your shoulder so I won’t scream.

 

“S-something else?”  I ask, feeling myself start to get flustered.

 

“But it’s cool…” He’s still rambling.  Does… I almost giggle.  Does he even know I’m really here?  I mean, hello, I’m here, you’re talking to me.  Can’t you see that I’m about to have an orgasm just listening to you talk!  “I mean I just wanted to let you know that ‘cause I didn’t want you thinking I really was a male whore.  But you got a hot date this weekend so whatever.  It’s all good.”

 

I can’t control myself and the way he’s pouting and looking down at his plate.  I reach over and grab his wrist and say to him, staring right at him, “I was lying.”

 

“You…you were?”  I’ve never heard him stutter.  God this man really does like me.  I squeeze his arm.

 

“I was jealous and upset.”  I pull my hand away. I can feel his pulse and it’s...it’s making me sweat.  I want to make his heart pound.  I want to make his blood pump so hard his dick twitches.

 

I giggle.

 

“Oh.”  He stares for a second and then slowly starts to smile.

 

I don’t say anything.  And I just watch him.  He can’t even really look at me.  And he’s smiling to himself and laughing very softly.  He scratches the back of his head and drums his fingers against the counter.

 

He’s jittery and happy and he knows now that I like him, too.

 

And…and it’s over.  Just over.  All the drama and the anxiousness and the hopes and all that build up are over.  And we’re left now here, quiet, awkward, and giddy, and completely unsure of what to do.

 

He catches me staring, but I don’t feel ashamed and I just smile and don’t look away.

 

“So…”

 

I roll my eyes, laugh and say, “So, I love my new sneakers.”  It’s weird.  It’s like there’s this calm or something over us.  I mean he hasn’t asked me out and nothing really has changed.

 

And yet everything has. 

 

I bring my spoon to my lips and sip my soup. It’s still hot, but comforting and yummy.

 

Like him.

 

“Do you now?”

 

“Mmm they’re comfy.”

 

I watch him eat a couple potato chips and he asks me, “So how was all the birthday party fun?”

 

It’s weird, it’s like we’re old friends now.  Like we know all about each other.

 

And all I know is that he’s Justin. He’s sexy and attractive and manages a store, and I want to fuck him and he likes me.

 

And that’s good enough for me.

 

“Well Friday night I went over to Liz’s and we drank a lot as well, but I didn’t have skanks all up on me.  Instead we watched Spice World and went to bed at 11 o’clock.”

 

“Spice World??” He shrugs. “That is kind of skanky.”

 

I laugh, “Saturday we went out with my parents and it was fun.  Yay, family time.  And like I predicted, Sunday I spent the entire day doing laundry.”

 

All of a sudden he’s picking up his papers and folding them a little bit and chewing on his lip again.  Hmm, it’s intriguing.  Why’s he so jittery again?

 

I keep eating my soup and watching him. Suddenly he looks at me, sucks in a breath, and leans forward, “So when you said you were jealous and upset that does mean you like me back, right?”

 

I just laugh.

 

“Girl, don’t play these games.  We’ve been flirting for almost six months now.  And it’s not like my regular flirting.  I mean, why do you think I come to your store everyday?  Why do you think it took us more than an hour to buy two pairs of shoes yesterday?”  I’ve stopped my laughing and I’m just staring at him, now.  He’s still leaning across the table and I want him further, I want him beside me, on top of me. 

 

I want to go home with him now.  My brother would be gone I’m sure and we could just fall back on my unmade bed. He could undress me and enter me all swift and slick, but I bet he’d have sex with me real, real slow, making it last and last until both of us were covered in sweat and panting. 

 

And all of a sudden we’d just start going at it hard and we’d both come in a matter of seconds.

 

And then I could lay there and hold him against me and take a nap.

 

Heaven, that’s what that would be.

 

“What are you doing this weekend?”

 

I gulp and refocus my eyes on him.  The fantasies are still there.  God, what if we do start dating, but like, it’s slow, like what if he takes it slow?  I don’t wanna be the whore and like attack him on the first date.  What if he’s a virgin?

 

I giggle and ask, “What?”  I don’t think I’ve really been paying much attention to what he’s been saying.

 

“Come out with me Friday night, there’s this party I have to go to.”

 

Shit, that’d be great and relaxed.  A party would be wonderful because there’d be other people and we wouldn’t have to be all awkward and panicky over dinner and what happens afterward.  We could just get drunk and…

 

And have hot, plastered, dizzy, I don’t even know what I’m doing sex.

 

But that’s Liz and Rich’s anniversary party. “I have plans.”

 

“Come on Jess, just give me a try.”

 

I sigh, “No it’s not that I don’t want to.  I actually really, really wanna go out with you.  It’s just that my friends are having their first year anniversary and instead of like going out to eat together all romantic like normal people, they wanna have all their friends over and get drunk.”

 

I laugh and he just stares at me.  He looks a little lost.  He just blinks.  “What?”

 

“I know they’re crazy,” I say and laugh.  I wonder what Justin would wanna do on an anniversary.  I know what I’d want to do.  I’d want to get dressed up and go out and sometime in the night casually mention to him that I’m not wearing any panties and that when we get home I expected to be fucked in every room of the house.

 

Even the coat closet.

 

Hot and musty and crowded and stuffy.  Me gripping the bar where the coats are, coats piled on the floor where we pushed them off their hangers, and him holding my leg over his hip, deep, deep inside, me still in my dress, him still in his button down shirt.

 

“No…”  He’s staring at me seriously, eyebrows narrowed a little, almost interrogating me.  “Who are your friends?”

 

I sit back a little and say, “It’s my best friend Liz and her husband, Rich.”

 

“You’re kidding.”  He starts laughing and sits back against the booth just staring at me with an amazed smile.  “Liz Snider?”

 

I lean forward.  Holy shit.  “Don’t tell me you know her!”  Shit, if she’s known Justin all this time and known he’s the one I’ve been lusting after I’m going to kill her. 

 

“Rich is my second cousin.”

 

“No way!   Were…were you at the wedding?” Dammit, I know our town isn’t the biggest city in the world but it’s not super small or anything.  And, and I was one of Liz’s bridesmaids.  Don’t tell me he was there in a suit and I missed it!

 

“No.  I was supposed to be, but Pete’s a big Miami Heat fan and we went down there for a game and some vacation. So the day we were supposed to fly back there was a tropical storm or something and we were delayed two days and I missed it.”

 

What if he had been there?  Oh my god what if he were there and me and him met and danced and drank and threw confetti at Liz and Rich as they left and he came up beside me and whispered, “Do you want to come back to my place?”

 

And we’d not even make it to the car.   The parking lot would be dark and I’d be pinned against the passenger door, glancing around for other partiers, breathing all hard and deep. And I’d look down and see him there on his knees, my hands fisted in his hair, my right leg dangling over his shoulder.  My dress would be bunched up at the waist and his tongue would be gently licking me up and down, biting on the folds slightly…sucking on my clit.

 

I cough and say quietly, “Small world.”

 

“So…so you’re gonna be at the party?”

 

“Yeah…”

 

I smile and he smiles and we both know what this means.

 

We’re gonna be drunk and there will be no counters.  I’ll get to see what he wears outside of work.  I’ll get to see him drunk.  Maybe, maybe I’ll even get to dance with him.

 

“Well then, I guess I’ll see you there.”

 

I smile and he takes another bite of his meal.  God, even when he eats he’s hot.

 

“How’s your sandwich?” I ask.

 

“Flippin’ awesome.” I laugh at him. “Wanna bite?”

 

“Ok.” He reaches over and I almost panic.

 

He...he fucking feeds me.

 

I seriously think I have an orgasm when I bite down on the bread and stare at him, mouth opened just slightly, smiling.  And I don’t even like ham sandwiches that much. 

 

I lick my lips and moan a little, not because of the sandwich; because of all the dirty ideas running through my mind about him and food and tasting…things.  “See…” I smile at him, giving him a flirtatious look.  “You do know how to share your food.”

 

“Reese’s aren’t food, they’re mini orgasms.” I seriously start to choke a little.  I stare at him.  Fucking shit he can’t say that.  “You alright?” He smiles.

 

“You’re bad.” I glare.

 

“I didn’t do anything.”

 

He’s smiling underneath that innocent face.  Bastard. I want you to do everything, dammit!

 

“Ya know my foot could get very adventurous under this table and then what would you do?”

 

“I…”  He stops for a moment and looks down at his lap and then back at me.  I just smile.  I’d love to give his crotch a little rub of my foot.  Get him all fucking hard and horny and leave him there.  Like he does to me whenever he just, I don’t know, looks at me.  “You’re…you’re not going to, are you?”

 

I fake gasp and put my hand against my chest, “We haven’t even been on a date yet Justin. I’m appalled.”

 

“This is a date.”

 

I laugh. “This is Panera.  This is a lunch break.”

 

“It’s a lunch date.”  He smiles like he’s a kindergarten kid who just got a “good job” sticker on their alphabet test.

 

“You didn’t buy my food, though,” I whine.

 

“I thought you’d be one of those feminist, in control types.”

 

In control? I can be, if he likes that, I mean I don’t mind being on top at all.  Secretly, I love it when a guy’s in control.  When he teases and tortures just slightly.  Not like actually whips and chains but just making it last.  Making me whine, making me squirm on the bed and say, “please…please Justin, I want you in me.” 

 

And then he just surges in and just stays there and holds my hips so I can’t move.

 

And then, then real, real slow, he starts inching out and them slamming back in, holding it, making me lose all my breath.

 

“I’ll take a free meal from a fine guy,” I say. This is rising to a dangerous level now.

 

He tilts his head and licks his bottom lip.  Fuckin’ hell I need his head in between my thighs.  “You think I’m fine, eh?”

 

“Shush.”

 

I reach over and snatch a potato chip from his plate, but he grabs my hand and smiles.  He, fuck, he brings my hand to his mouth and bites the chip out of my fingers.  It should be weird, it should freak me out; I should jerk my hand away and give him a crazy look.

 

But god, I’m so turned on.  Please, please lick the salt off my fingers. “You’re the one that said it,” he almost growls out.  He lets go of my wrist. Dammit!

 

I pull my hand back quickly and say, “You’re embarrassing me.”

 

“Why?”  I honestly don’t know why I’m embarrassed. Maybe it’s not embarrassment.  Maybe I’m just being silly.  But I know, right now in this moment, he can see through me and he knows that I want his dick so bad.  “There’s no reason to be embarrassed anymore now that we both know we got the hots for each other.”

 

 I’m not even sure why but my face feels hot and I know it’s red. “Just stop. Ok?”

 

“Why?” He leans forward, blue eyes deep and dark.  He bites the corner of his bottom lip and whispers, “We can take care of this right now and go have sex in my car.”

 

He pronounced the word sex, harshly, strongly.

 

I feel light headed.

 

“Seriously…”  I narrow my eyes.  He has got to fucking stop.

 

“I’m sorry.”  He laughs a little but seems sincere and sits back up.  “That was out of line.”

 

“You just.  Ok…”  I take a deep breath and relax against the cushioned seat. “Friday. Alright? Friday at the party we’ll figure this out, if there is a this or whatever, ok?  I just can’t handle this during the work week.  It’s gonna get me flustered and put me in a tizzy and I already have got too much to think about.”

 

“Ok, it’s cool.”  He smiles and nods, clucking to himself.  God he’s such an ass.  He looks so fucking cocky right now.  And it’s sexy as hell.  “I gotta test Thursday night anyway and since I was sleeping with two cent whores all weekend I really need to study tonight and tomorrow.” I roll my eyes at him.  “So Friday we’ll get to talk and maybe we’ll see if I can take you out, just us on Saturday, and then we can make out and shit.”

 

“Justin!” I smack my hands on the table.  I’m excited as hell. Oh my god, I want it to be Friday now.  I can’t believe we’re scheduling it. 

 

Oh my god.  Oh my god what if we actually go through with it?

 

Like, what if he wants to have sex with me on Friday?

 

I mean I should probably wait, right?  Like play hard to get.

 

Calm down Jess, calm down.  You’re getting too excited and it’s starting to show.

 

“I’m teasing.” He winks.

 

No, no I’m gonna do it.  If he just says, “Jess I like ya, but honestly I just wanna fuck you,” I’ll say ok.  I don’t care if my heart is broken.

 

I need this man.

 

“No you aren’t.” I tease back.

 

He has a cocky look on his face and it’s so damn sexy. “You know you wanna make out.”

 

“I’ve got to get back to work soon and you haven’t even let me eat!”  I look down to my half eaten food. I’m still hungry, but I don’t even know if I can finish it.  I’m just too excited.

 

“Ok, eat. I’ll just watch.”

 

He props his head up with his hand and just stares at me.  God I really do hate it when people look at me when I eat, even if it’s him! “Justin…”

 

My stomach feels like mush.  God my whole body does.  Yet my throat and my heart are like fluttering and shit.

 

“Ok ok, I’ll read my paper.”  He laughs and pulls the paper out.  Why is it sexy for him to read the paper?  I can see it on late Sunday mornings, coming down from the bed and he’s at the table in an undershirt and his underwear, coffee mug in his hand, reading the paper.  And I’d kiss his face, stubble all rough against my lips. He’d say “morning” all gravelly and deep and sexy. And I’d sit down on his lap, straddling him, holding onto him and whispering to him, “Come back to bed.”

 

I could get use to this.  I could get use to just sitting here eating lunch while he reads the paper.  This…this is what I want.  I want the crazy sex fantasies, too, but…but I want these simple things as well.  I want the sexy, hot, cocky, perverted Justin.

 

And I also want the sweet, sensitive, goofy Justin.

 

And…and now I don’t know what to think and I’m not sure how to act, ‘cause, well, it might just happen. I might just get all the things I want.

 

 

 

 

The Day from Hell

 

I burst through the double doors to the service hallway entrance and march right out until I can’t stand it, and then I sink down onto the curb and cover my face.  I fucking hate my life.  I hate it.  It’s like every fucking thing is just piling up on top of each other.

 

And now I’m probably fired.  No, I know I’m going to be fired.  Jobless and homeless within 24 hours.  I just, I don’t know what I’m going to do.  I can’t go live with my parents.  I just can’t do that anymore! God, my fucking brother and my fucking boss are messing up my whole fucking life.

 

This has to be some sick joke.  Just has to be.  It’s like everything is completely doing a 180.

 

And I was having the best week.  I mean, the best week.  Justin…Justin and I were really getting along, moving along.  The flirts have turned into small touches and I just…dammit! Tonight was supposed to be my night, our night.  I was going to go to that party and I know I would get drunk and we’d probably make out, all hot and rubbing, and maybe if we could find a deserted room we’d really go for it.  I’d do it, too.  I want to do it.  But now I don’t even know if I can go.  I need to find a roommate and a new place to stay.

 

I sigh and rub the bottom of my apron over my face.  I saw Justin twice in the past two days and he was all cute and sweet. And god he was so fucking flirty.  After our lunch date, he walked me back to my store and I snuck him a Reese’s.  Bev gave me a curious glance and I just squealed and told her I needed to call my friend.

 

When I called Liz and told her who my Justin was I think she was more shocked than I was.  She kept going, “Wait. Your Justin is Rich’s sweet little cousin Justin?”  Then she kept telling me that I had to date him, that she wouldn’t let me talk myself out of this.  I spent the rest of the day on the phone with her at work. She told me little stories of when she went over to family functions with Rich and Justin was there. She told me he was always sweet and how much his family loves him and how good he is with all his small cousins, and I kept giggling and squealing into the phone.

 

And Liz said to me, “Seriously girl. Me and Rich were actually talking about it the other day.  He had called up to see when everything was starting and we both talked to him on the phone and when we hung up Rich and I talked about how we gotta find that guy a nice girl.  God I even said, if only Jess wasn’t so obsessed with that guy at the mall.”

 

We both squealed simultaneously and she said she’d be sure to look through photo albums to try to find pictures so I could come over and gush.

 

I told her she was taking it a little too far, but secretly was loving the idea.

 

Wednesday he was in a little bit of a rush, but I told him that I talked to Liz about him and he was like, “Oh god, I hope she didn’t tell you any embarrassing stories.”  I just grinned at him and he winked at me and had to leave.  It was just a couple minutes that I got to see him, but it was enough and I was giddy all day.  I’ve been giddy all this week, until today.

 

Yesterday I was in the back of the store restocking some stuff and he came right up to me and put his hands on my shoulders, rubbed them and whispered, “Hey good lookin’,” in my ear.  I almost died right then and there at the feel of his lips and breath that close to me. He talked animatedly about a few new employees they were hiring and then I asked him if he wanted to get lunch together.  He sighed, pouted and said he really couldn’t take a lunch that day because he had so much to do.  It kind of made me sad. And then he gave me a hug and whispered in my ear, “I’ll make it up to you at the party.” Then he poked me in my sides with his fingers and laughed, sticking his tongue out at me.  I told him I hated being poked and he just grinned at me knowingly.

 

I wouldn’t mind being poked by something else.  It’s really sad how much I want to feel it.  Like I keep thinking about being at the party and sitting or standing all close to him, close enough to feel him in his jeans or pants or whatever.  I really, really want to touch him there.

 

And I’m starting to feel thirsty without his kisses.  It’s all I think about.  When I’ve seen him the past few days all I’ve done is stare at his mouth.  I haven’t even gotten them yet, and I’m already addicted to them.

 

But…but this morning he didn’t come in. I didn’t get to see his mouth move into a small, casual smile, and I didn’t get to pass a smile back and flirt with him. I knew right then it would be a horrible day.  And it has been.  It’s been horrible enough to make the entire week and all the wonderful shit that’s been happening with me and Justin seem insignificant.  And then that bitch lady came in and I couldn’t stop thinking about what my brother told me the last night. Then my boss came in with a bad attitude and I snapped at her and she snapped at me and now I’m out here crying. 

 

It’s only fucking 12:30.

 

And it’s hot out here, sticky, humid hot, and I can feel myself getting sweaty.  I just don’t know what to do.  Maybe I should just go to my car and drive until I run out of gas (which probably won’t take long) and wind up somewhere and like, I don’t know, just stay there.  I want to hide from the world.  Sometimes I wish I was back in high school where I thought everything was so important but now, looking back, I realize it wasn’t important at all.  I’d go back and I’d have that knowledge and just have a fantastic time and not be stressed out about my whole fucking life like I am now.

 

And maybe I’d reapply for college and have a better chance of getting in.

 

I can’t believe this.

 

I put my hands on my face and lean down against my knees and let out a sob. I use to be one of these girls that cried a lot, and then one day I forced myself to suck it up.  I mean I still cry when something shitty happens, but I don’t wail and moan about it.  And now here I am being that pathetic girl again.  I haven’t cried this hard in so, so fucking long.  I can’t stop. I wipe my nose on my knees and the bottom of my apron and I try to breathe deeply and calm myself down.

 

It’s sad and pathetic, but there’s only one thing in the world I want right now and that’s him.  I mean, would it be completely out of line if I went down there and asked to speak to him?  Probably.  I can see one of the workers looking at me with my red face and snot smeared on my apron and being like, “Uh, yeah he’s busy.” I mean he likes me, but it’s not like we’re dating or that we have any obligations to each other.  He probably doesn’t want to know all about my pathetic drama.

 

I close my eyes and pray for a lightening bolt to come crashing down on me, but instead the sun just bares down on top of me.

 

Suddenly, the double doors that I came out of burst open. I gasp when I see the familiar black and white striped jersey and black pants that are hiding what I want to see most in the world. I’d almost give anything to be naked with him in bed right now, smiling and happy and at ease.  It would make me happy to be wrapped up in bed, touching him all over, memorizing every freckle and curve and muscle in his body. He’s smiling, a cell phone to his ear, and in his other hand he has his keys. He’s smiling as he talks, looking down as he approaches where I am on the curb.

 

I just stare at him.  I can’t believe he’s here.  He’s the one person I want to see most in the world. “Yeah, it’s tonight….Dude I fucking hope so…That’d be real, real nice if ya know what I’m saying…I don’t know, she’s a flir-” He stops his speech when his dark blue eyes lock onto me.  I bury my face back in my knees.  God I want him here to comfort me, but now he has to see me like this. I bet my mascara is running and that I have snot all on my face and that I look ugly and stupid.  I hug my knees, putting my forehead against the tops of them, curling up into a ball and hoping he’ll just step past me and keep walking, even though I know there’s no way in hell he’d do that.  I want him to ignore me because I don’t wanna bother him.  But at the same time I want him to pick me up and carry me off like a fucking prince charming or something. 

 

“Hey I’ll call ya back,” I hear him say. As much as I want to stay mad and upset at the world part of me melts and becomes giddy because he sits right down beside me and wraps both his arms around me, pulling me tightly into his chest.  “Shit, what in the hell happened?” He says full of concern.

 

“Everything.” I whine and I move my arms around him and it feels so good.  He’s warm and solid and his body feels so comforting.  And he smells so, so fucking good.  I don’t know what cologne it is, but it’s strong, not over-powering, not flowery or powdery, but deep and masculine. And even though it’s hot and sticky outside I don’t mind being this close to him. I don’t mind at all.  His hand rubs my back and I feel his cheek against the top of my head.

 

And…and dammit I start to cry even more. Not so much because I’m upset about what happened but because he feels so fucking good.  He’s exactly what I need right now and here he is, being perfect.  I feel good curled up against him, like this is where I’m supposed to be.  I was starting to doubt it, thinking maybe this week was too good to be true and that’s why all this shit happened to me today.  But now, now wrapped against him, everything is put back into place.

 

And I cry because I realize that this, this really is so much more than aggravating lust or a strong crush.  This is serious.

 

“Shh, shh it’s alright,” he says and then pulls back a little and wipes the back of his hand against my cheeks.  “What’s going on?”

 

He looks so fucking good, all worried and I almost wish I were drunk or something even worse had happened ‘cause then I wouldn’t have any restraint and I’d give into everything. I’d ask him to take me home and have sex with me and make me forget all the horrible shit in my life.  I have to wonder if he’d do it.  He’d probably be a gentleman and tell me that he wouldn’t want to be with me like that in those circumstances, that he’d want me to want him, just because I wanted him and nothing else.

 

But I do want him.  And I need him, too. 

 

His hand rubs in a circular, smooth motion against my back and I know I’m starting to sweat like crazy out here because it’s so fucking hot and it makes me a little self-conscious, wondering if he can feel it through my shirt. 

 

“My brother kicked me out last night,” I say, closing my eyes and enjoying the comfort he’s giving me.  “And, and, and this lady called me a trampy bitch this morning and my boss is probably going to fire me.”

 

He’s quiet, so I pull back and look into his face and eyes.  I find him smiling at me, not mean or malicious, but kind and caring and he nods at me. “Start with your brother.”

 

I pull my arms from him and sit there, picking at my nails as I talk and he starts to rub my shoulder, massaging it a little. “He wants to room with his friend Cal.  I’m his fucking sister and he told me that Cal wants to move in in two weeks.  Where the fuck am I gonna go Justin?  I don’t have enough time to find a roommate or a new place in that time.  And I definitely don’t have enough money to live by myself, and I won’t let myself go back and live with my parents.  I’m not gonna put myself or them through that again.  I just, I don’t understand why he just wants to kick me out?  I do all his shit for him.  I mean why not just get a three bedroom when his lease is up next month.  But no, no he wants to live with his buddy and is tired of his poor, pathetic, stupid sister cramping his style.”

 

He keeps massaging and now moves to my neck a little, able to massage it all real well and good with just one of his large hands.  God damn I want to ask him to do that, to take me home, put me on a bed and just work my back out good and slow with those hands of his….and then he can work the rest of my body out just the same, but maybe with other parts of him.  He could just slide down on his knees and hike up my hips.  I’d so let him do me from behind.  He could just pull up on my hips so I was resting on all fours and he could just put it in so slow and thrust so deep inside of me. “Look, I’m sure you can find someone to stay with until you get on your feet.  Hell, I’ve got a guest bed.”

 

“Stop that…” I roll my eyes and lean my shoulder into him, pushing him a little.  If I stayed with him there would be no way in hell I’d sleep in a guest bed.  Even if he told me I had to, I’d sneak out in the middle of the night and curl up into him.  I wonder what he sleeps in at night, if he wears boxers or nothing. I wonder what kind of bed he has, how big it is, what kind of sheets he has on it.  I wonder if his place is cluttered and messy, or pristinely clean. I wonder if it has artsy black and white photos up, or sports posters.  I wonder what kind of beer he keeps in his fridge even, god, even what kind of toothpaste he uses in the morning.  I want to see his place so bad and I want to be a part of it.  I…I want to be his girl.  And I want him, I want him so bad and I really hope tonight at this party I get to have him.  Not only would it make me sexually happy but it really would make my day so much better and it’d give me some hope that not everything in my life was shitty.

 

I can’t think of anything better than having him have sex with me and making me feel all good and mushy inside.

 

“What?”  He grins.

 

“Stop making me feel better.”

 

“Um, I kind of thought that’s what I’m supposed to do.”  He laughs and it’s loud and when he ruffles my hair a little, I push at him and he grabs my hands for a moment and then lets them go.  “Look, it sucks. It really does. I say just talk about it with your brother some more and if it doesn’t work out just know you’ve got friends and people that care about you and wanna help you out. Me included.” I find myself starting to smile a little and he raises his hand and holds up two fingers.  “Ok number two, this nasty lady.”

 

“Oh my god, Justin…”  I run my hands over my face and groan.  I don’t even want to retell it but I know it’ll feel better once I vent. “She always come in and usually is just a grumpy bitch.  She’s like 50 or something and really snotty and collects these shit glass figurines that are like 90 dollars.  So, ok we only had one of the kind she wanted left in the store, right? She already wanted a discount ‘cause it was a display and was pissed when I told her we don’t do display discounts in our store because a lot of our shit is in glass cases anyway.  And so I go to put it in the box and I don’t know how but it just fell out of my hands and broke on the floor into a gazillion pieces and I’ve had mad customers before and normally I just let them slide off my  back.  But the way this lady was acting, she just fucking got to me. And maybe it was because I’m all stressed out from my brother but I don’t know.  Like, I don’t even understand it.”  I sigh and shake my head.

 

“She just got so, so, so mad at me and called me an idiot, an actual idiot!  I told her that I was sorry and that we’d order her a new one, that we could even ship it to her house free of charge.  I tried to be my normal, sweet, really apologetic self but she was already livid.”  I pause and feel my face red.  I don’t really know why this is so embarrassing to me, but I guess it’s just the fact that I was called out on it.  “And, and when I bent down to try and pick up the pieces she started calling me a trashy girl with my underwear hanging out!  I’m not even wearing low risers but I guess my shirt rode up and she could see my underwear and….” 

 

I stop my rambling vent and stare at him because he’s started giggling at me and shaking his head, biting his lip to try to hold it in.  “Stop laughing!” I exclaim.  I can’t believe he’s gonna make fun of me because my underpants were showing.  Little prick.

 

Little sexy prick.

 

He leans in and wiggles his eyebrows.  “Why won’t you bend down with me more often then?  Maybe I’ll start dropping my Reese’s and make you bend down and get them for me.”

 

He leans back a little and tries to look at my ass. I immediately put my hand behind me and pull down my shirt.  I don’t know why.  I guess because I feel like I have to, but I swear I wouldn’t mind him staring at me back there.

 

I narrow my eyes at him, but I feel my body start to ache and know my face has flushed. I guess it’s because I realize that he wants to see my underwear, and while the past week has made it pretty obvious that he wants me, it still surprises me every time I think about it. 

 

Wait, didn’t he just say something about dropping a Reese’s.  Shit, he wants me to bend down in front of him?  I wonder if he’s a guy who likes hitting it from behind.  Oh shit I bet he does.  I bet he’d like to hold onto my hips and lightly smack my ass and say dirty things.  Hell, he probably likes it everyway, anyway.

 

It’s probably why we like each other, ‘cause I’m the same way.

 

“Perv.” I glare.

 

He sticks his tongue out and then says, “So this bitch pretty much was having a bad day and took it out on you and hurt your feelings.”

 

“She called me an idiot and a tramp and it…it hurt.”  I sigh.  “Just the way she said it was like, you stupid pathetic retail worker, the only reason you’re here is because you weren’t smart enough for a real job or college and I just, I lost it on her.  When the words “you stupid little tramp” came out of her mouth, I told her she could get the hell out of our store because we didn’t want her business anymore.”

 

He’s grinning and pats me on the back, “Good for you.”

 

I wish he were my manager.  I wish I worked for him.  There’d be nothing to break and I’d get to have him support me when a customer was rude to me. I can see that lady coming in to complain and saying some nasty shit to me and Justin would just step up, “Is there a problem?”  And he’d just put that lady in her place.  And he’d keep his hand on my lower back the whole time.  Then he’d ask me to leave and he’d talk to the lady privately and I’d wait for him in the stockroom.  And when he came back in he’d come right up to me, smirk and not say a damn thing but lean in his head and start to kiss me, backing me up against the wall, pushing his crotch into mine and cupping my breasts in his hands.

 

Maybe he’d even whisper some shit like, “Shame shame Jess, upsetting a customer and all.  I think you’re gonna have to be punished.”

 

And maybe, maybe if I worked for him, I’d get to help him in the stock room, ya know, shelving shit and cleaning boxes…all alone.  And we’d pass looks to each other and flirt and spend all day turning each other on and when 5 o’clock came around I bet we’d barely be able to make it to the car.

 

“So what happened with your manager?”  He asks.

 

“Well, of course as this bitch is walking out of the store our owner comes in and of fucking course, our owner knows this lady and the lady complains.  So the next thing I know, I’m being lectured and threatened.  Hannah told me this was my final warning, that if I did anything else, I’m gone and that she’s tired of my slack ass attitude.  I mean, oh my god!  I didn’t know I had a first warning.  I thought I was a good employee.  I’m never late for work, I do what I’m told, I never call out sick.”

 

He shakes his head and points back to the building with his thumb.  “You need to get out of there.  I’m serious girl, it’s suckin’ the life out of you.  I might be in retail, too. But at least I have some authority and I don’t really mind it.  Plus it’s a corporate store so I get benefits.  Despite your cute little self and the Reese’s cups, that place is still a shit hole.”   I laugh but he’s still looking at me with concern in his eyes.  “Seriously, you need a new job and I’m gonna be on the look out for you.”

 

I sigh.  He’s so sweet and I’d love, love, love to work under him. I bite my lip.  I’d love to do anything under him, but we all know that’d be a major conflict of interest. Still, it’d kind of be hot, ya know, fucking the boss.  I wonder how long we’d be able to keep it from everyone else.  Probably not long.  I bet we’re so obvious.  I bet everyone else in the world just looks at us and goes, “Yup they wanna fuck.”  I really wish we could, too.  I wish all this pre-dating shit was out of the way and that we could really get to it and just be together.  But I guess I have to go through this before it can happen.  I hope it’ll happen.

 

“Yeah, Beverly told me to go take my break so I came out here and started crying like a loser.”

 

“Jess…”  He says sincerely.  “You’re not a loser.”

 

“I’m out here crying like a baby about stupid shit.  I guess I’m just stressed out.”

 

“Don’t be stressed.  We’re going to that party tonight, gonna get all drunk and you can take advantage of me and let out all your aggression.”

 

“Shush…”He’s giving me a goofy grin and I try to push at him again. He grabs my hands this time and  he holds them and pulls them around his middle so I’m hugging him.  He looks down at me and I look up at him.

 

He looks like he might kiss me.  God, please, please kiss me.

 

I bite my lip and he licks his own.  I just stare up at him and I almost start to close my eyes.

 

But he doesn’t do it.

 

“How about this?  How about I take you out?”

 

I blink, still trying to calm myself down from us almost kissing. “What?”

 

“Right now.  I took a half day today because I had to stay late yesterday.  So I’m leaving and we can go grab a bite and I’ll drop you back here in an hour.”

 

“I’m not hungry.”  I don’t know why I say it.  But I guess it’s the truth, I’m too anxious for actual food.  Still, I should just go to be with him instead of saying shit like that.  My mind is just too cluttered right now. I need a hot shower or a bath.  And I still need that massage.  I lean my head against his shoulder and sigh.

 

“Not even for ice cream?”

 

I begin to smile and turn my head so that it’s still resting on his shoulder but so I can look up at him. Ice cream would be real nice.  “It is kind of hot out here.”

 

“You’re telling me.”  He pulls his arms from around me and picks at the material under his arms and fans them out.  “I’m in fucking black polyester.”

 

“You look cute.  I always like your little outfit…”  I lean down and pick up the silver device resting against his stomach and hold it up to him.  “And your whistle.”

 

I try not to let the fact that my hand was inches from his crotch affect me.

 

He whispers to me and winks, “Go ahead, you know you want to blow on it.” Before I can tell myself to stop, I’ve put the thing against my lips. I know he’s put it in his mouth before and I don’t care one bit. I blow hard on it.  It makes a clear ringing sound that echoes and we both start to laugh.  “Thatta girl!”

 

He pulls back and starts to stand up and he puts his hands out to pull me up.  “You’re good,” I say and he hoists me off the ground and drops his hands from mine.

 

“What?”

 

I turn and smile at him, starting to walk towards the parking deck.  I decide to say what I’m thinking, not worrying about saying too much with him anymore, knowing I can flirt as hard as I want and I won’t offend him. “You made me forget all my problems and now I’m just thinking about blowing things.”

 

He stops walking and I giggle when I look over my shoulder and see him there just biting his lip, staring at me. “Girl….”

 

“You started it.”  I smile and turn back to walk some more.  He’s about 5 feet behind me and I know he’s checking me out and it makes my insides feel wiggly.  “Where’s your car?”

 

“Hold up…”  I stop and he jogs up to me and I watch as he digs in his pocket and pulls out his keys.  I start to walk beside him and then I feel it. I feel his hand warm and a little sweaty, which I don’t mind because of the heat, mine’s a little moist as well, but it clasps with mine and then his fingers interlock with my own. He looks down at me and smiles, “I’ll walk you.”

 

It feels good and right when he does it, not awkward or embarrassing.  I find myself having to bite my lip as he walks me to his Jeep and opens the door for me.  It feels natural when I let go of his hand and sit in his passenger seat and I start to forget about all of my problems and all my woes for the day.

 

Maybe he’ll start driving and he won’t stop and we’ll both be able to get out of here and just be together.  Or maybe he’ll drive and end up at his house. He’ll take me inside and we’ll spend all afternoon together and then go to the party together and get drunk together.

 

‘Cause I tell you, I’m really starting to figure out that everything, every damn thing in my life seems better, when I’m together with him.

I put my hands in my pockets and rock back on my heels, watching her as she asks to try the Phish Food, her 3rd sample since we walked in. I don’t think she’s annoyed the young man behind the counter yet, but I can tell a couple more samples and he’ll be ready to roll his eyes.  She scared the crap out of me today when I saw her all upset and shit, sitting on the curb outside.  I don’t know what came over me but I just sat down and held her and, and it felt right.  I probably should have asked her what was wrong before I went ahead and put my hands on her but I couldn’t help myself.

 

And she didn’t complain.  In fact, I think she liked it.

 

She was soft against me and I wish I was her man so that I could have kissed her and taken her home and made her feel real good.  I would have taken my time, kissed her body entirely, everywhere, licking in between her legs and touching her there slowly and softly, fucking her with my fingers but not rough, not harsh, just real easy.  And when I entered her I’d go slow, so slow.  I could hold her until she was thrashing about underneath me.  And I could whisper, “Tell me what you want?” and I’d give it, anything she asked.

 

She looked good sitting in my car, too.  When I went to get in my seat she was already buckled up, looking around.  I was glad I had cleaned it out the other day because damn was it a mess. 

 

“You’re one of those people that try every flavor, aren’t you?” I tease.

 

“I just can’t make up my mind.”  She covers the mini spoon in her mouth and pulls it out and looks up at the ceiling, thinking. She nods her head but doesn’t look as excited as she did when she had the double chocolate fudge thing.

 

“I think you want that fudge kind…” I mention for her, smiling at her.  She really is cute and her eyes aren’t as red and glassy anymore.  She looks happy and, and that’s a very good thing.

 

“What are you getting?”  She smiles at me and I order her ice cream in a waffle cone, which she informed me she had to get as soon as we walked into the Ben and Jerry’s.  She claimed she needed one because she was now hungry and hadn’t had a big waffle cone in years. 

 

“Vanilla.”

 

She stares at me. “You’re at Ben and Jerry’s and you’re getting Vanilla?”

 

“Nah,” I laugh a little, feeling a little embarrassed even though I know she won’t care.  “I’m getting mango sorbet.  I know I’m gay.”

 

She leans into me and I feel her arm against my back rubbing a little. Her side is pressed into mine and she grins up at me, her eyes sparkling.  I can feel her breast against my ribs, soft and full.  Damn.  “It’s ok.  I won’t let anyone know.”

 

I laugh and pull away from her.  It’s too dangerous being that close to her sometimes.  I move over to the register and pull out my wallet to pay the guy.  When I glance over at her she’s got her little purse in one hand and is fishing down in it with the other.  “Nuh uh….:” I say and hand the guy some cash.  “This is our second date.  The first one I didn’t get to pay for and today has been a rough day for you.  So put your bag away.”

 

“Then you should have taken me to a bar…” She laughs and the guy hands us our ice cream and I thank him.  “But ice cream is a close second to alcohol.”

 

She’s got her tongue flat against the chocolate when I turn and ask, “You wanna eat here or go sit in the car?”  I feel my dick go rigid watching her eat.  Shit, she shouldn’t have gotten a cone.  Hell, what am I saying? Even if she got a spoon I’d be staring at her licking the damn thing. And I’m still thinking about that little comment she made about blowing things earlier.  I mean, ok so she’s a flirt and a tease, but I know she likes me and I’m pretty sure she wants me. God, I wonder if she’d do that. 

 

I grin.  I bet she would.  I bet the badass bitch would do 69.  All on top of me, my arms around her waist, grabbing onto her ass, sliding my tongue against her slit and in between her folds and flicking her little clit with my tongue.  I bet she tastes sweet.  And she’d lay there on top of me, her breasts pressing into my stomach, her hand holding my dick and sucking it hard with her mouth, letting it bob against her tongue and lips, occasionally brushing against her cheek when she’d pull back and moan.

 

I bet she’d play with my balls in her other hand. Gripping just softly, rolling them around while she licked all around my head.

 

Oh fuck…. And every time I flicked her clit she’d moan against me, vibrating my dick.  And we’d both get so into it we would both barely be able to even do it, just moaning and groaning until we couldn’t stand it and we’d flipped around and we’d start to fuck all hard and rough, trying to get off as fast as possible.

 

Sh-shit.

 

“Car…”  She laughs and I push the door open for her. The heat from outside blasts me, but it doesn’t help calm me down.  It just makes me think about how hot she might be, ya know, down there.  “You know I have that thing about people staring at me eat.”

 

I wanna stare at her while I eat…her.  I bet she’d bite her lip and grip the sheets, but I bet her legs would be spread wide and she’d push her hips against my face.

 

“You need to get over it.” I say and then clear my throat. “If I take you out again I might go to an actual nice restaurant where I’m sitting right across from you, ya know, sipping on wine or something, and staring at your mouth move…”

 

I blink.  I didn’t really mean to say that but now I keep staring at her mouth, licking that ice cream.  She stops, gets a shy look in her eyes, but licks her lips, “Stop…”

 

I bet she sucks dick like that, with lots of tongue and slow and doesn’t miss any spot before going down and taking all of it in.  And I bet she acts shy when she does it, all, “do you like that?” with big eyes looking up at me.

 

“What?”  I laugh, trying to feign innocence.  I’m not doing a good job and I take a bite of my sorbet to calm me down and cool me off.  I guess I really am gay in my ice cream choices, but it’s too fucking good to care.

 

She just smiles as we walk to my car.  I move around her and stare at her ass a little bit, round and perfect in those jeans. I shake my head and go to open the car door for her.  She gets in and I go around the front of the car, climb in and turn on my engine so the radio and a/c can come on.

 

She laughed at me earlier when she heard the oldies station coming through my stereo.  I can’t help it.  I fucking love old rock ‘n roll and Motown and shit.  I like everything music wise, though, and when I told her to look through my CD’s she picked out Jeff Buckley.

 

I knew then and there this was meant to be. 

 

We got into a conversation about car adapters for iPods, but it turned into me rambling and her finally just saying “I wish I had an iPod.” But I realized something.  She didn’t seem uninterested in me while I was talking.  It’s like, even if she doesn’t have anything to say to me or to add to what I’m talking about, she…she must like hearing me talk.

 

Which is awesome.  ‘Cause sometimes I can get really quiet and not really have anything to say, and other times I ramble and I have a hard time stopping myself.

 

She starts to giggle and moves a little so that she’s leaning up against the door of my Jeep and staring at me, one leg bent against the seat and her foot hooked underneath her other knee. “It’s like we’re teenagers and we’re parking.  How kinky.”

 

I laugh.  I’ve never been parking with a girl.  It wasn’t really a thing we did in high school.  We always went over to this guy’s house who graduated a year before us and lived with his older brother.  We’d drink and think we were so cool.  It was kind of pathetic.  We’d take girls there and try to get them to do shit with us, but unfortunately there was a big difference in our high school between the skanks and the hot chicks. Most of the hot chicks were all goody goodies.  We’d always talk shit how we got laid there and got head, but I don’t think any of us ever got more than maybe copping a feel once in a while.  Then I started dating this chick, and I found out that’s the way to go if you want pussy in high school. 

 

I’m such an ass.

 

“But it’s like 1 o’clock instead of late night and it’s hot as hell and we’re in a strip mall parking lot not like on a cliff or overlook.”

 

She just smiles and I watch her eat her ice cream some more.  She’s really into it and I’m really into watching her. Licking around the sides of the scoop, making it smooth and wet.  I force myself to look down at my melting sorbet.  This isn’t good.  My dick’s already hard and when I look down I can kind of see it in my black pants.  I wonder if I can put my hands in my lap and press it just a smidge without her knowing. 

 

“I’m excited about tonight.”  She says and I look up at her and tell myself to stop thinking about my dick slamming into her tight heat.  I force a smile.

 

“Me too.  Good friends, good drinks.”

 

“Good company.”  She adds and then tilts her head to the side.  “You’re not gonna like diss me for some hot young thing are you?”

 

“You are a hot young thing and no, I’m not going to diss you.  I told you the other day we’re gonna drink together and hang out and talk and whatever else.  I mean if you wanna go talk to someone else that’s fine, but I kind of want you to be my little buddy tonight.”

 

She’s smiling shyly. “I’d like to be your little buddy.”

 

It’s quiet for a while and normally this kind of silence with a girl I really like would make me feel weird and uncomfortable.  But with her I don’t feel it.  I’m just happy and content sitting here with her. It’s like we can just be together and not have to worry about all this stuff.

 

I think that maybe the past few months with all the build up I’ve put on being with her and shit has been wasted ‘cause now, now it just fits.  We fit.  And maybe I shouldn’t get ahead of myself with something that’s barely even started, but if everything goes like it’s been and if we keep getting closer, maybe she’s it, ya know.   Maybe I’ll finally be able to stop being such a pussy about my life and really start getting serious with a girl again.

 

Soon my eyes start having trouble staying away from her mouth which keeps licking and licking at her chocolate ice cream.  And it’s starting to drip down onto the cone and is seeping a little onto her fingers.  She switches the cone into her other hand and brings her thumb to her mouth and sucks the ice cream off of it.

 

"Is it good?" I ask, swallowing hard.

"It’s melting..."

"I see..." Her eyes meet mine and I watch her lick it again. This time she does very, very slowly, curling up her tongue when she gets to the top of the ice cream and then smiling at me.  It’s a knowing smile.  She knows damn well what she’s doing.   "Damn girl,” I chuckle at her.  “You're a hot little thing, you know that?"

"What?"  She plays innocent but she knows damn well she just gave that ice cream a blow job.

I grin at her and eat the last little bit of my scoop before putting the empty paper dish and spoon in the cup holder between us. "I'm just…” I sigh and shake my head at her. “I haven’t been this excited to go out with a girl in such a long, long time."

"Really?"  She’s grinning at me and then goes to bite down on some of the cone.

"It's been years since I've had a girlfriend and I'm not trying to pressure you to go that route with me..."

"Well what route do you want?" She interrupts.

I laugh and shrug. "Any."

"So if I just wanted sex and that's it, you'd be ok?"

 

I choke a little and raise my eyes to her face. She just said sex. I did hear her correctly, right? She’s still just eating the ice cream, sucking on the top.  I don’t know if she’s serious or teasing. 

 

Or both.

"I...” I look at her and gulp.  “No?"

She grins.  Little tease. "Good, ‘cause I wouldn’t be either."

I need to explain to her, let her know that I want her, but that I don’t only just want her for her body.  If…if that makes sense.  Does it make sense? "Don't get me wrong girl, you're hot as hell, but I just..."

"So you do wanna have sex."  She giggles.

I know she thinks she’s playing some game but she’s making it hard for me to think.  I mean, I want her bad.  Clearly.  It’s not just me needing a fuck.  I want her, I crave her.  I fucking need this girl.  So hell yes I want to have sex with her, but I can’t just say that because then she’ll think that’s all I want.  And all her fucking giggling is making my dick throb.  I try to resituate myself and my pants by scooting up and pulling down on the material, but I’m still rock solid. "J-Jess..."

"I'm just teasing."  She says shyly.

I roll my eyes and look at the clock.  I should probably get her back or she really might be fired.  "You're good at teasing."  I say and move my car into drive.  She moves back so she’s sitting properly in the seat and pulls the seat belt over her chest.

The drive back is quiet.  She asks me how school was this week and I tell her that I think I did pretty good on my test the night before.  She mentions that we should have a celebration if I get a B or an A.  And then she smiles, “or a C or a D.” And I laugh and have to resist the urge to reach over and touch her thigh. 

 

She sings along a little, real quiet to Jeff Buckley and I realize how much I could get use to this.  How I already am use to this.

 

And before I know it we’re back at the mall and I’m pulling into a parking space near those double doors again, staring at the spot I saw her curled up and crying.  And now she’s sitting beside me, relaxed, happy.

She raises the last bit of her cone to me and sighs as I park. "Thanks for this. I've kind of forgotten about everything for a while."

I smirk and she finishes off her ice cream. "Flirtin’ with me is soothing for the soul, huh?"

She laughs and then nods. "Yeah, it actually kind of is.  It's weird ‘cause like now that we're in this awkward stage…”   I raise my eyebrow at her and she starts to talk with her hands a little bit, “Ok, so like before I would get all jittery and giddy and nervous and excited when you would come see me and I still do a little bit, but like now when we hang out you just...make me at ease and make me calm.  I don’t know.  It’s a good thing though, definitely a good thing."

I watch her let the seat belt go and she bends forward and pulls her purse and her apron which she took off when we first got into the car into her lap.  She lets out a deep sigh.

I stare at her and realize, I…I gotta do this.  I can’t let her leave my car without finally, finally fucking doing it. "Jess..."

But she ignores me and pouts and stares at the double doors, whining, "I'm back.”  She looks at me and laughs.  “You were supposed to kidnap me and never let me return."

I turn a little in my seat, resting my arm on the steering wheel and my other elbow against the back of my seat. "You need to go see if you still have a job."

"I guess.  Thanks for ice cream and everything...”  She grabs her purse and apron in her hand and sighs before turning a little and opening the car door. She turns and looks back at me.  “I'll see you tonight, ok?"

She’s halfway out of the car when I call out eagerly, anxiously, “Jess!"

"Yeah?" She turns, looks over her shoulder and smiles at me, sitting back a little in the car. I have to do this.  I just do.

 

I stare at her, nibbling on my lips, staring at her eyes and her mouth.  Soon I see her own smile fall from her face and her tongue comes out to wet her bottom lip.  This is it.  I mean I’ve waited…

 

Shit Justin, just go!

 

I reach forward with my hand and grab her face and pull my lips against hers.

 

I don’t know how it happens and I don’t complain, but she sighs against me and I feel one of her hands grip my shoulder, bunching up the material a little.  And then, fuck, then she opens her mouth against mine. God damn, she wants it.  Her lips are soft and when I press my tongue against hers and slide it slowly with her own she tastes like chocolate. Her mouth is cold and leaves mine with a tingling sensation.  I pull back a little, moving my mouth with her own and then I push forward again, gripping her cheek and breathing harshly against her.  God I want more, I want everything.  I want to be inside her.

 

I have to pull back.  I, I just have to. I have to or I won’t stop and I have to stop.  I have to stop so there can be a tonight. So she can go get her job back and so I don’t explode in my pants.  So I can go home and try to calm down and then go to the party tonight and drink with her, us both knowing we just kissed hot and intense in my car, us both wanting each other.

 

Shit, I really think she does want me.

 

I pull back and she’s still kissing me, clutching my shoulder tight. Her eyes are closed as well and she pulls back on my lip a little with her own mouth.  Fuck me.   

 

When we part I press my forehead against hers.  I feel dizzy and my mouth is tingling, wet from the kisses yet dry, wanting more.  God, I want so much more.  We’re both staring at each other, mouths open, breathing deeply.

 

My dick is straining against my pants and I don’t care if the whole world knows.  Fuck.

 

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

 

I just kissed her and she…she tasted like chocolate.

 

"Go to work..."  I whisper.

Her lips turn into a small smile and she whispers back, "You expect me to go to work...now?"

 

I smile and frame her face with both my hands and push my lips against hers again, just softly.  I don’t open my mouth, ‘cause I know if I do and if I let that happen again, if I let her tongue and mine play, then there’s no way in hell she’ll leave my car.  I just won’t let her.  I’ll lock her in and pull her to my lap and never ever let her leave.

 

I pull back further this time, and run my hand over the side of her face, putting a piece of hair that fell from her sloppy ponytail back behind her ear.  "I'll see you tonight, ok?  We can continue this there..."

 

I pull completely away and sit in my seat, gripping the steering wheel, but smiling at her.  I bet I look like a complete loser, giddy and wide-eyed.

 

She just stares at me for a bit and then turns and steps out of my car.  She bends back down and narrows her eyes at me, “And you call me a tease..."

 

But she’s smiling and when she slams the door shut I watch her walk in front of my car, waving at me like a silly girl and shaking her head.  She sticks her tongue out at me and I watch her as she starts to skip a little bit, or jog or something, like she’s all excited, straight to the double doors.

 

And soon the doors are closed and she’s gone, out of my sight.  And I have a hard on bigger than I think I’ve ever had in my life.  I can feel my blood pumping down there and I think I’m leaking just a bit.  God damn.  I have to go home and figure out what to do for the next 7 hours before I get to see her again.

 

I fucking kissed her and it was perfect.

 

And I want more.  And tonight I’ll be damned if I don’t get it.

 

 

The Body Shot

 

I’ve been hard for seven fucking hours. 

 

I can't get her kiss off my brain.  Her lips, her tongue, her taste.  It's still there. It's been there for hours and I want it again.  She's wearing these tighter than tight jeans that look like they were painted onto her ass and her shirt is cute and tight as well on her breasts and there's a V-neck and I can see her cleavage.  I stare at them, and I don't give a fucking shit if she notices or if anyone else does.  I have a feeling she wore it so I would look.  So I'd stare. 

 

I smile to myself.

When I got here earlier I was alone and when I walked in the door Rich pulled me into a hug and stuck a beer in my hand. Liz squealed, ran up to me and clutched me around my neck and whispered in my ear, "She's here...she just walked into the kitchen."

It gave me courage to know that they were cheering us on and I slowly walked over to the kitchen anticipating her there, sexy and small, turning me on by just smiling at me.  I turned the corner into the doorway only to have her ass in my face, her bending over looking in the fridge, round and perfect.  I immediately thought of how she would look without clothes on, bending over, ready for me to just slide right on in. I want to fucking slide right in her.

 

I couldn’t help myself and walked right up to her, pushed my crotch into her ass, which was half hard, and she gasped and turned around and stared at me.  The look of fear and shock left her face and she smiled and gave me a huge hug, almost knocking the beer out of my hand.  But I didn’t care.  Her breasts were pressing into me and she smelled so fucking sexy. She had more makeup than normal, just a little darker on her eyes making her look all seductive, and her hair was down and straight.

She was a fucking walking wet dream. 

And I wanted her to be mine.  And I still do.

We’ve been sitting here beside each other for a while now, talking.  She's been by my side all night, leaning into me a little tipsy, talking to me over the loud music.  I've kept my hand on her thigh and I’ve been moving it higher while she's drank her beer and then some mixed drink and then Liz came by earlier with a glass of champagne and said, "Shh just for me and you." They clinked glasses and giggled at each other.

I've been sipping on beer all night.  This is my 3rd, or 4th...or 7th.  I can’t remember.  Being with her tonight has flown and been a blur and I know damn well it’s not because of the alcohol.

 

It’s because we’ve both been avoiding the topic at hand, the fact that we kissed this afternoon.

 

The fact that we’re going to continue that kiss at some point tonight.  She knows it, I know it, and now we’re both just wading it out, biding our time, looking for the right moment.

 

I want that moment to be now.

The skin is hot underneath my hand that’s touching the material of her denim jeans and I want to know how her skin feels higher, between.  If it’s warm and wet and soft like I’ve imagined.

 

Oh how I’ve fucking imagined.

I want these tight-ass jeans on the fucking floor, along with whatever she’s got on underneath those tight-ass jeans; a thong, a g string, sexy little bikinis…..nothing….

 

Shit.

 

I don’t think I’ve ever been this hard in my life.  Not even while I've been in a woman, actually doing the damn thing.

After I kissed her this afternoon I was determined and I still am.  I’m more than determined.  I’m going to do this.

I'm going to have her tonight.  Some way, anyway, whatever way she'll let me.  I’m going. To fucking. Have. Her.

I blink and my ears continue to listen to every word that comes out of her mouth, not stumbling or slurring yet, but still I can tell by the animated tone in her voice that’s she’s drunk.  "So he was completely naked and trying to climb out my window because he was so fucking scared of my dad."  I move my eyes from her thigh to her breasts for a moment and then to her lips.  She’s smiling at me and brings her half empty glass of champagne to her lips.

I smirk and finally raise my eyes to her own dark ones, "Remind me never to go home with you."

"He's not that scary...”  She giggles and pushes at my chest a little. It’s a lie.  She knows I’d go home with her any day.  She knows I want to go home with her.

 

And I want to take her home.  Now if possible.   “And I can’t believe I just told you that."

"Before you even got any action?" I shake my head of the story she was telling me.  I had asked her, boldly and probably a little too soon if her parents had ever caught her having sex and she started rambling about this guy she was dating in high school who was trying to get with her when her dad came home. 

"Yeah well, it was for the best.  We broke up the next week."  She giggles.

I move my hand from her thigh and pull my arm around the back of the couch smoothly and lean in to whisper in her ear, "Probably because you threw clothes at him from your window and he had to put them on while running from your dad."

 

“So what about you…” She leans back from me a little bit but not in a disgusted way, just so she can look at me.  I bite my lip when her fingers lightly press against my leg right above my knee and her palm slides up a little higher.  Shit she’s got me straining against my jeans and I know it’s noticeable.  “Did you ever almost get caught?”  She says it seductively, secretively.

 

And I want her.

 

Right now.  Bouncing on my dick.  Hand slapping her ass.  Eyes staring at her tits as her body comes down around me over and over and over again, always leaving the tip of my dick in her, keeping her stretched out but her sucking me, still so tight, so fucking tight….

 

I fucking need her.

 

“No I was sneaky in high school,” I say.

 

“Sneaky?”  She raises her eyebrows and takes another sip.

 

I can’t fucking help it and I take my hand and brush the hair over her shoulder and lean in close, so close to her ear. I kiss the skin in front of it by her cheek and smile against her, “Yeah you know…secretive about my shit.  Plus I never really got with a girl like hard core until my senior year.”

 

“Hard core?”  She turns to me, her eyes bright, her face inches from me.

 

“Ya know…”  I grin.  I should kiss her.  Right now.  Right in front of everyone.  “Sex…fucking…whatever you wanna call it.”

 

I start to lean into her and she pulls back and says, “Stooopppp,” in that really girly, whiny, drunk way that fucking turns me on. It’s not annoying; with her it’s sexy, it’s playful and it makes me want to put her hand and place it on my dick so she can feel me throb.

 

I grin at her. “Why…”

 

“You know.”  She’s blushing, face pink and glowing.  Like she just had sex. 

 

I shift in my seat and pull down my jeans that are starting to feel a little too tight right now, “I was dating this girl pretty serious senior year and my parents were really flexible.  Like they didn’t care if she stayed over.  I think it was one of these things where they were just happy that I was home and safe instead of out getting trashed.  Even though…I did my fair share of getting trashed.”

 

“So she was your first?”

 

“Yup.”  I take a nice long sip from my beer and ask, “And yours?”

 

She’s blushing a little bit again and it’s so fucking sexy.  I want to be in her and see her blush.  I want to be above her and see her blush.  I want to be in bed afterward and describe in detail to her how good her body feels around mine….and see her blush.  “It was so stereotypical but there was this guy I was kind of really good friends with all through high school. Kevin knows him, they were on the soccer team together. And like he was leaving for college in about a week and we were hanging out and he started telling me that he had this big crush on me for like 4 years.  And even though I never really saw him like that…  We did it.”

 

I gasp and give her a shocked look. “You felt sorry for the dude!”

 

“He was cute!”  She says defensively and loud and then softens her voice and narrows her eyes at me.  “It wasn’t like I was pitying him.  I was curious!”

 

I bite my lip.

 

Curious?

 

Shit…

 

I take in a deep breath and lean in close to her ear again and whisper, “You’re a curious girl, huh?”

 

She doesn’t look at me, just smiles and stares straight ahead.  “Maybe.”

 

I smile against her ear, kiss her there softly and ask, “Are you kinky?”

 

Her face blushes and I know damn well she’s about to smack me or gasp and do the “stoppp” sexy, whine thing again.

 

But she doesn’t.  Instead she turns to me, licks her lips, and looks at me with heavy eyelids.  She doesn’t say it, only mouths it slowly with her lips, “Sometimes.”

 

I could cum in my pants right now.

 

I suck in a breath.  I gotta change the subject quickly or I might actually do it.  That would be a way to impress this girl.  Unless of course, cute little Jess is trying to make me lose it.

 

Fucking tease.  Sexy, ball busting, fucking tease.

 

I bet she’s the type to suck me into oblivion with her lips or even her….lips and pull away right when I’m gonna cum, just to see what I’d do.  Just to hear the noises I’d make.

 

I wonder what kind of noises she makes.

 

I smile, sip my beer, and say, “Your poor dad, for your sake I hope he never saw a naked boy running through the front yard.”

 

She shrugs. “Well he’s never mentioned anything to me about it.”

 

“He probably was heartbroken that his daughter had been deflowered.”

 

“But I hadn’t been at that point.”  She’s defensive again, but smiling, her eyes bright.  “I told you my dad came home before anything happened.”

 

Yeah, yeah, I gotta breathe and calm myself down.  It’s getting a little too noticeable and when I just looked down at myself I realized I’m fucking hard.  And now I’m embarrassed as hell and I bet everyone in here can tell Jess is getting me all hot and turned on.  I look around.  No one’s even looking at us.

 

“So your parents were real strict?”

 

“Not really, but they weren’t like easy cool parents, like not like yours…”  She winks and nudges me with her elbow.  “They would never let me sleep over at a boy’s house or let one stay with me.”

 

“Did you ever date anyone while you lived with them, like after high school?”

 

“I dated like two guys but one wasn’t serious, in fact I never saw his place and the other wasn’t serious but….we still….”

 

She’s blushing again and I can’t believe it.  The girl that was fine and giggly about telling me about a naked boy jumping out of her window and running across the yard while she threw his clothes at him, is way too shy to say sex?

 

No…no it’s a cover up.  She’ll say it.

 

I’ll make her say it.  Tease.

 

 “You can say it.”

 

“We were intimate.”  She giggles. And I roll my eyes at her playfully.

 

“What about with your brother…bring any boys home then?”

 

I don’t know why I’m so interested in her sex life.  I guess in a way I wanna know how long it’s been since she’s fucked a man and how long its been since she’s, ya know, been with a man.

 

Because as much as my dick is screaming for her right now, other parts of me want her as well and she’s way too good of a girl to just fuck and leave.

 

She’s girlfriend material.

 

Hell, she’s fucking love material.

 

But god damn if she isn’t sexing all night until you can’t breathe and you pass out from bliss material.

 

“No that’d just be weird, even though he brought home so many girls and at first I wanted to cry cause it was my baby brother, but then I just got annoyed.”

 

I notice Rich and his friend Kyle over there staring at me and smiling and I know if I keep looking they’ll start making perverted gestures to try and mess up what I got going on with Jess.  So I try to ignore them and pull my arm back from around Jess’s shoulders and clear my throat, completely changing the subject, “I know you haven’t had time to process it but anymore ideas on where you are gonna stay?”

 

She groans and I wish I hadn’t brought it up.  Sometimes I’m fucking stupid.  “Can we not talk about it?”

 

“You’re gonna be fine.  I promise.  I’ll set you up a cot in Foot Locker if I have to.”

 

I smirk and she rolls her eyes but she’s laughing.  “Not funny.”

 

Her laugh is light, sexy and I wanna live in it.  I need to breathe. God Justin, remember how to breathe.  My chest expands and I let it out slowly.  I need to get away from her, just for a moment so I can fucking resituate my dick and clear my head. 

 

Her glass is empty, thankfully, and so is my bottle.  I nod to her glass and reach out for it, “Hey, want a refresher?”

 

“Yeah, just a beer this time.”  I grab her glass and she smiles at me as I stand up.

 

I look down at her and grin at her.  Ya know if I turned towards her and if she set up on the edge of the couch and undid my pants she’d be at the perfect position to….

 

I shake my head a little.  “You’re mixing alcohols.” I warn.  “You are gonna be tore up tomorrow.”

 

She bites her lip and says, “It’ll be worth it.”

 

I just stare at her.

 

Fuck.

 

I suck in a breath.  I gotta get away.  I just, I just, I just have to.

 

I turn and march straight into the kitchen and set down my empty beer bottle and her empty glass and grip the counter.  I close my eyes and concentrate on breathing.  God Justin breathe, fuck, remember how to fucking breathe….

 

I don’t know what it is.  But I want her.  God I want her so fucking bad.

 

I should just go ask her.  I should just go right up to her and tell her let’s go somewhere to be alone.

 

But shit I want to get to know her too and I know that even though she probably wants  me too in the same way I want her….yeah I’m pretty sure she wants me too.  But still, I don’t wanna look like a fucking asshole who’s just here to get my dick in her pussy.

 

Her sopping wet, tight, warm…soft….

 

God…

 

“Working your magic, cuz?”

 

I try not to let the hand that clasps on my shoulder shake me but it does.  I jump a little and I know Rich now thinks I’m a huge loser.  I try to brush him off and smile. I turn the subject away from me immediately, “How you and ya lady doing, man?  It’s the big one year.”

 

“Good, good.  But I wish I had known that you two…”

 

I blink at him as he leans against the counter beside me and sips his beer.  “What?”

 

“Well fuck man, Jess has been fucking blabbing to Liz about “Mall Justin” for like months.  If only I hadn’t been so stupid.  I just didn’t put the two together.”

 

I gulp and try not to let that get to me.

 

Months?  God she’s been wanting me this long, too? 

 

I should just go out there and make this happen.  That’s....  Yeah.  That’s it.

 

“It’s cool man.”  I say and walk to the fridge to pull out two more beers for us.

 

“Things working out now?”

 

“Yeah…”

 

I grab my keys from my pocket and flick off the caps with my bottle opener I have hooked to my keys.  When the second cap clangs and spins on the counter I hear Rich say, “She’s a good girl…so don’t.”

 

I turn to him and narrow my eyes.  Great.  Just when I got the guts to go out there and ask her to I don’t know, be alone, be my girlfriend, fuck me until the sun comes up, he goes and does this shit.  “Hey…don’t do that speech.  I know she’s a good girl.  I wouldn’t have spent the last….” I look down at my watch and shake my head, “Man, 3 hours with her on the couch just talking if she wasn’t.”

 

“Not to be an ass…”  He starts to laugh and comes closer to me and smirks, saying in a low voice, “Upstairs next to our room the guest bedroom door is there and no one should be in it if…ya know, you need alone time.”

 

He’s a fucking riot and fucking insane, too.  Split personalities or something. “What happened to the good girl speech?”

 

“All I’m saying is don’t hurt her.  I never said anything about not….hurting her.”

 

He smiles at me and I smile back at him and I know exactly what he’s talking about.  I walk past him and he pats my back.

 

He wants me to get laid and he wants that to be by Jess.  So I guess she has been talking to Liz about me for a while and maybe in more than just a friendly way.

 

I feel light and confident and I’m going to make this happen.

 

As soon as I’m back in the den she raises her arms and grabs for her beer, smiling at me, beaming at me.  Fuck I need this girl. I’m going to ask her.  I have to.  “Yay….you’re back…”

 

“Miss me?” I laugh.

 

As soon as I plop down she turns to me, her knees pulled up in the couch, her flip flops on the floor, her elbow on the back of the couch, her body turned right towards me, her face right by mine, eyes dark and lips wet, “So this afternoon...”

 

“I was wondering when you were gonna bring that up.”  I chuckle and chug my beer.  Shit.  Her hand is on my thigh again.  High.

 

Higher than it should be.

 

“Is it up?”  She whispers in my ear. 

 

I bite my lip and sigh softly when her hand starts moving higher, and deeper, in between.  God there’s fucking people everywhere and she’s about to… 

 

“Shit girl.”

 

Her hand brushes my crotch when she pulls her hand up to touch my chest and then she leans in and says so close to my ear, so I can feel her breath and almost feel her lips vibrate and move against my skin, “That was…” She sighs and I almost moan.  “The best kiss.”

 

“It was.” I turn to her and she reaches forward, away from me, and sets her beer against the table. Then she leans back up close to me and cups her hand around her mouth and brings it close to me, as if she’s about to tell a secret.  I dip down to hear her whisper against me.

 

“I want it again.  When are we gonna get to make out like you promised?”

 

“Geez…”  I tease and turn to her smiling, “a little forward don’t you think?”

 

“Well I’m drunk and…and kind of horn-”  She smacks her hand over her mouth and her eyes widen.

 

I pull her hand from her mouth and tug on her hand so that it’s back on my thigh and hold it under mine.  Close, but not there, not where I want to put her hand.  But I think she knows where I want it.  “Say it…” I say firmly, gritting out through my teeth.

 

“I kind of want you.”  She says it.  It’s out there just like that and she doesn’t blush and she doesn’t giggle and she sure as hell doesn’t whisper it. 

 

I smile and lean in, removing my hand from where I was holding hers against my thigh and I touch her cheek.  I lean in and kiss her there against her smooth skin and then say against her ear, “I want you, too.”

 

Here we fucking go.  I start it. 

 

I have to start it.  It’s taken too long and it’s about fucking time someone started it!

 

I put my lips down against her neck and open them, just slightly, reaching my tongue out just to bathe her skin there lightly, barely noticeable, just a very, very light touch.  Shit… 

 

She smells so good and she tastes like…

 

“But…”  She gulps, takes a breath and sits up, pulling away from me slightly.

 

Great. 

 

I pull back and look into her eyes.  She’s biting her lip and not looking at me, looking down at her beer on the table in front of us.  “Tonight we’re drunk and we should probably just take it slow.”

 

“Slow…”  I say.  And I watch her visibly gulp.  I pull back from her and let out a deep, deep breath saying, “right.”

 

It’s awkward now.  Fucking great.  I should have known how girls get.  I mean, I don’t know how girls get because sometimes they wanna fuck and sometimes they don’t and hell I don’t know.

 

I thought she wanted me.  I sip my beer and it’s almost finished.  I should have never drunk it that fast.  And I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up about Jess.  I should have just played it easy and let her take the lead and seen where it went.

 

Shit.

 

Before I can finish it off and get up to get another one, cause I fucking need another one, her arms are latched around my neck and her lips are pressed against my ear and she says quickly, quietly, “But I’d still like you to-”

 

“Hey!!”  A head forces its way in between us and there’s Liz looking glassy eyed and smiley.  I kind of hate her right now.  I really kind of do. I don’t care if my cousin did marry her.  She puts her arms around both of us and looks back and forth, drunk as shit, giggling and slurring.  “Let’s go do shots!

 

“Liz…”  Jess says, gasping, pissed at her friend.  Liz rolls her eyes and grabs her hand, tugging her up.

 

“Come on!  It’s my party!”

 

Jess is dragged away from me, first shuffling her feet to get her flip-flops back on and then Liz yanks her up and pulls her into the kitchen. I quickly follow, snatching up my beer.  I could use a shot and she…god she was about to see if I wanted to go be alone. 

 

I find myself in the kitchen and she’s leaning by the counter by herself with lots of other people around in there, everyone taking a glass while Rich has salt and limes and tequila all out and ready to go.

 

I slide beside her casually, finish my beer and put it on the counter behind me.  “I’m glad you didn’t get fired.  I don’t know what I would have done.  I’d have to quit too and or hire you.  ‘Cause I gotta see your fine ass everyday Jess or I go crazy.”

 

“Aww, you are too dorky and sweet to me.” She sticks out her tongue and nudges me with her hip.  Her arms are crossed over her chest and her tits look phenomenal pushing up and pressing out against her shirt. 

 

A thought crosses my mind and before I know it, it’s out there, “What are you doing tomorrow night?”

 

But I’m not really embarrassed or shy about it, about asking her out on a date.  It fits, it works, and since we were just fucking interrupted and I’m not sure we’ll get back to that point tonight, the point of almost fooling around or kissing or god, something….

 

Well, I just need to give myself the opportunity to try again tomorrow night.  ‘Cause I’m not giving up.  There’s no way in hell I’m giving up.

 

“I don’t know.  Why?”  She’s grinning at me, knowingly.

 

“Let’s go out, just you and me.  Ya know, some place not too fancy but some place we can be alone and talk and whatever else.”

 

“I’d like that.”  She smiles a bright, lovely smile.  “A lot.”

 

I lean down.  I gotta ask her if she wants to get away.  If we can fuck, shit, I gotta try to get my hands or something down her pants, tonight.  I just have to. And if not tonight…tomorrow. “Would you-”

 

“Ok, partner up gang,” Rich calls out, interrupting us.

 

She asks, “Partner?”

 

Rich comes around and puts a full shot glass in my hand and hands a lime to Jess, winking at me, “Body shots cuz!”  I stare at Jess and she stares at me and I hear Liz from across the room in a sing-song voice, “Now ya’ll behave…”

 

We can’t stop staring at each other and I hear Rich in the background tell everyone that we’re starting “innocent” and going to do wrists and then necks and then whatever else. 

 

We keep staring and we both know what’s about to happen.

 

It starts.

 

I watch her as she licks her wrist, her tongue flat against the delicate, soft skin under her palm.  Then she holds it out as Liz comes around giggling, almost skipping with the salt shaker, making a fucking mess in her kitchen.

 

But neither of us care.

 

I keep staring as she takes the lime in her hand and puts it in her mouth.  She laughs a little, smiling, holding it between her teeth.  I smile back at her.  But I don’t laugh.

 

Good fucking God, I can’t laugh.

 

I feel heavy, my chest heaves and when Rich counts down from three I feel my head spin and I blink, trying not to let whatever this feeling that’s washing over me make me lose it.

 

In a flash, in one single moment, she’s brought her arm up to my lips and I’ve leaned down close to her.  My tongue is sucking the skin of her wrist and her other hand is against my shoulder, gripping my shirt tightly, like she did in the car this afternoon.  The salt is bitter and dries out my mouth, but when I lift my lips from her skin and stare at her, standing there with the lime still in her teeth, I forget the taste.  I tilt my head back and easily swallow the shot of sweet and bitter liquid that immediately washes away the bitter saltiness. 

 

Her licked wrist rises and her hand grabs my other shoulder, both tiny hands fisted in my shirt.  I drop the shot glass with a clang onto the counter and reach my hands for her face.  I touch her cheeks and pull her towards me, ready to suck the lime out of her mouth.

 

But something else happens instead.  Something shocking but honestly, truthfully, I can’t say I didn’t expect it.  That I didn’t hope for it.  And I sure as hell want it.

 

She spits the lime out of her mouth and her tiny hands pull me towards her and I grip her face and pull it towards my own.

 

Our lips crash against each other and I pull her close to me, moving my hands down around her back and holding her against me tight as her tongue roughly plays against mine.

 

That’s it.

 

It’s over.  I’m over.  I’m fucking gone.

 

It’s going to happen tonight or I’ll be damned.

 

Because she’s just fucking started it.  And I sure as hell ain’t stopping it.

 

I don’t know what came over me.  But I don’t care.  I wasn’t going to let a fucking lime keep him from really doing what I want and what…dear god, what he wants.   I can tell he’s been wanting it.

 

His lips are wild against mine and I can hear people whistling and hollering behind us, around us, but I don’t care.  He tastes like tequila and Justin, that same ‘Justin’ taste I fell in love with this afternoon, well the tequila wasn’t there but whatever.  Oh my god, he tastes like heaven and his hands are pushing me into him almost too hard, almost too close.

 

But I don’t care.

 

My back is almost bent over the counter and his body is pressed, leaning into me.  I can feel him, hard and long against my stomach.  God he’s so hard.  I can really feel it against me. 

 

Shit, shit, shit!  It’s too much.  I’ve wanted this for too long and I got a tease, just a little taste, this afternoon and now….now I’m going to fucking have him.

 

I feel like my body might explode.  I feel like I might cum, right here, right now, in front of every fucking person.

 

I moan against his mouth and he keeps one hand on the small of my back and plants the other one against my neck, holding me right there against his lips, sucking and licking and biting and fucking my mouth with his tongue.

 

God if I could orgasm off a kiss I would right now.  Right now, oh god, I just might.

 

His lips rip away from mine and he leans down and says into my ear huskily, “Come on…”  And he grabs my hand and I don’t care that people are yelling at us or that they know we’re about to go off and have sex.

 

Because what the hell was that idiotic shit I said before about us going slow? What the fuck was that?  I was stupid and drunk.  But not anymore.  Well, I’m still drunk.  But I’ve wizened up.

 

I’m fucking this man tonight.  Damn the consequences.  I’m having him in me.

 

He holds my hand tightly and I follow behind him, hugging onto his arm almost.  I look down, our hands are clasped and kind of near my crotch.  Shit, I hope he touches me down there, his long fingers wet and sliding against and then deep, deep inside, curving, palm right against my clit.

 

Yes….

 

He seems to know exactly where he’s going and heads straight for the steps and marches up them, pulling me along.  I struggle to keep up and have to run after his long strides, still holding onto his hand and arm.

 

Upstairs is quieter, not as many whistles, or hollers, or people talking or the thumping music.  It’s still there but muffled, quieter, echoing just slightly but lowly…like a hum.

 

There’s no one up here and all the doors are shut.

 

I take a breath and open my mouth to ask him…something, anything, I’m not sure what.

 

But he turns and is so quick I don’t even know what’s happening until my back is up against the wall and his hands are against my sides moving up, over my breasts, just brushing against them until his fingers touch my face and he’s kissing me, rubbing his lips against mine and smiling against my smile.  He pulls back, his eyes lowered and gentle.  He breathes out and I can almost taste the beer and tequila from his breath.

 

His head tilts to one side and he opens his mouth against mine, kissing me thoroughly and deeply, his hands still against my face.  He pulls back sucking on my lip and then he smiles at me.

 

I…I can’t.  God…. I can’t handle this.  I feel out of control and wild.

 

I feel…

 

“I want to have you tonight, Jessica.”

 

I gulp and try not to fall to the floor.  I feel weak.  I feel wanted.  I feel needy.

 

I feel achy and great and wonderful.  Fantastic is what I feel yet not completed.  And I need to be completed.  I need it.  I might die if I don’t get it.

 

I nod at him and hook my arms around his neck and smile when his hands grip my ass and he hoists me up against his long frame.  I laugh and giggle, holding onto him, watching him smile as he turns us and walks me down the hall a few steps, me clutching to him still.  He opens a door and we walk into Rich and Liz’s guest bedroom.  He slams the door shut by nudging it with his ass and we both laugh while he turns and locks it.  I reach over to the wall and flick on the light.

 

Only a small lamp by the bed turns on.

 

He’s got me still holding onto him and before I know it he’s leaned me over the bed, pressing my back into the soft, but slightly lumpy mattress.  His body hovers over me, pressing all his weight into my frame.  His crotch is pressed against mine and I can feel him there.  I can feel it and it fucking makes me want him.  So. Damn. Bad.

 

He props himself up on his elbows and smiles down at me. We stare.  It’s all we do.  It’s all we can do right now, is stare at each other.

 

And smile and smile and smile. 

 

I bite my lip and his eyes soften as he lays against me. “What happened to ‘slow’?”

 

“Fuck ‘slow’.  I want you.”  He smiles when I say it and presses his lips against mine.

 

Fantasy after fantasy.  Night after fucking night.  Fuck…

 

Month after month I’ve dreamt about this.  I’ve wanted this.  I’ve sat at work, sat in my car, sat on my bed, late, late at night, unable to sleep, unable to get off the way I want, completely unsatisfied and thinking, wondering what this would be like.  And months and months of wondering has done nothing to prepare me for the way his lips feel against my neck and the feel of his weight pressed into me, his hand, damn, his fucking hand on my thigh, pulling it up over his waist so he can rotate his hips just slightly into me, pressing, pressing so fucking good.

 

It’s not hard like it is in high school when you dry hump.  It’s there, oh god is it there, but it’s subtle.  It’s not an eager boy wanting anything to push against his hard dick, trying to get any friction no matter what it is.

 

It’s a man, a fucking sexy man who knows exactly what he’s doing to me, teasing me and himself, but holding back, easing both of us into it slowly.

 

I tilt my head all the way to the side and grip his hair in my hands, the tiny bristles I can barely grasp my fingers around, but I try anyway and I sigh his name.

 

His lips move against my neck, opened wide and shaping into words and smiles.  “I’ve wanted you for so long, Jess.  I’ve fantasized every fucking night about how this would be.”

 

Dammit, I have too.

 

I close my eyes and move my hands to his shirt and tug.  But he pulls back from me, not letting me start to remove him of clothing.  God dammit, it’s been building up since the moment we met and he’s not going to let me even undress him?  God I want this, we can do slow later.  We can make it last later.

 

But now, fuck, now I need him.

 

Deep, deep…fucking so deep inside me.

 

“Can we move?  I’m kind of hanging off the bed here.”  He laughs and I blush a little and he pushes himself off the bed and stands to his feet.  I knock off my flip flops and move back up against the head board of this bed.  It’s funny.  I’ve slept here many a nights in this tiny guest bed that’s got mis-matched furniture, a not-so-comfy bed, and hardly any decorations on the wall, as if it was just thrown together one day so they’d have a spare bed for friends.

 

But never did I think he’d be here with me, kissing me on this lumpy piece of shit guest bed.  Shit…

 

I never thought he’d be with me just fucking, taking…oh god…..taking his fucking shirt off over his head.  His wife beater underneath is gray and going up half way with his shirt and getting stuck under his arms.

 

God fucking dammit all to hell.

 

That’s it.  I’m done. 

 

He was right when he told me he worked out as a hobby.  Holy shit does he work out.  His arms, his chest, his abs, his…..everything.  The hottest man in the world is here, right here…with little old me.  Little old Jess and he’s going to fuck me. Me!

 

I’ve never, ever been more attracted to a man in my life.  I’ve never wanted a man this much in my life and I’ve never, ever been more aroused in my life.

 

This is my life.

 

He is my life.

 

It’s over now. 

 

He tugs his tank down back over his stomach and I pout a little but it fades when he crawls up on the bed over me, hands and knees working until he’s straddled me and I’m sunk down into the bed, smiling up at him, wanting him more than I could ever tell him with words.

 

Yet I still try, “I want to do this with you, tonight.”

 

He just smiles and says, “good,” before settling his weight in between my legs by nudging them apart with his hips and he leans over me and kisses me again, this time resting against one arm and elbow while his other rubs against my stomach during our kisses.  His palm goes down and under, under my material and then up…way up.

 

My lips part in a sigh when his long, warm fingers inch over my left breast and he holds it firmly, but softly, pressing his palm against the center, against the material over my nipple and massaging me there slowly. 

 

He pulls away from my lips and smiles above me, moving his hand to my other breast, feeling me as if he’s checking me out, making sure I’m up to his standard or something.  I almost laugh but then he says, “You’re so fucking soft….” And he presses against me down there, holding it, still doing that rotating thing but harder now. More firmly.

 

He removes his hand from my shirt and then sits up on his knees in between my spread legs.  He just stares down at me for a moment before running his hand over his head, smiling a lazy, drunk smile and saying, “God damn Jess…”

 

“What?”  I breathe, staring at his body, looking down to where his crotch is strained, tight, and I can see it, long and hard and…and wide against his thigh.  He’s big.

 

I almost giggle.  Shit he really is big.

 

He just shakes his head and reaches down to me, pulling me up by holding onto my upper arms.  I end up straddling his bent legs, his dick, hard and confined in his jeans, pushing up against my pussy, which I can feel.  God I can feel it wet, sticking against my thong and it’s bad.  It’s worse than ever before and I don’t care.

 

He’s got me straddling over his lap and he’s kissing me soft, using a lot of lip and a hell of a lot of tongue.  His hands are up the back under my shirt, pulling it up as he goes.  He smiles close to me and then traces his tongue against my lower lip before leaning in and tugging on it with his teeth.  His lips move down against the side of my chin and under my jaw.

 

I gulp when his hands grabs my rib cage against the sides of my body, holding my shirt up there.  He rubs his lips all the way to my ear, his cheek pressed against mine and he whispers, “Arms up.”

 

I oblige, willingly, happily, and he’s got it off, over my head and tossed against the floor in no time. 

 

I rest against him, my arms by my side, still straddling him, him still pressing.  But now his hands are on my ass, holding me against him firmly, our jeans pressed and rubbing, the friction deep and tight down there. 

 

Deadly.

 

He stares at my chest.  I’m wearing this black bra, lacey and see thru.

 

So yeah, I might have had some expectations and desires when I was getting ready tonight.   Can you fucking blame me?

 

He licks his bottom lip and slowly starts to smile.  He licks it again, tongue running just slightly back and forth against it and slowly he starts to bite that lip, nibbling it.  His blue eyes rise to mine.

 

“Are all your bras this sexy?”

 

I smile and roll my eyes a little.   “No, but tonight’s special.”

 

His hands grab my ass and I smile at how both his hands can grab a lot of me down there, that’s…that’s how big they are…and I’m not a flat-assed girl.

 

He leans in, still biting his own lip.  “Fuck yes tonight is special.  Tonight.  Tonight I’m going to make you feel so damn good, Jess.  We’ve wasted too much time and too many days shitting around with each other and tonight…tonight I’m going to fuck you and it’s going to feel….”

 

“Shut up.”  I whisper and I kiss him.  I can’t… I can’t take it any more and I grind myself down on him and suck his tongue against mine, gripping his head and holding him there.  My eyes are squinted and my body is tight, so tightly wound down on him.  Fuck I wish he was in me.

 

God I need him in me.  I’ve never, ever needed a man before.  I’ve always been able to take care of myself.

 

I’ve been doing it for so long.

 

But…but shit, I need him.

 

I tug up on his shirt and he rips his lips away for a moment and pulls off his wife beater. He easily tosses it on the floor and reaches back for me, his arms around my back pulling me in.

 

But I put my palms flat against his chest and push him back, giving us some distance. 

 

He pulls his head back and stares at me.

 

Not yet, Justin.  Just you wait.

 

And I just look.

 

And look.

 

My fingertips move down over his chest, brushing against his hardened nipples and then over his abs, over his navel, down, down… My fingers touching wherever my eyes scan, all the way down to the top of his jeans.  I look and see him still pressed against me and I can see just a slight tent there before my own body covers that area of him. 

 

I move my hands back up swiftly over the tight, taut muscle up to his shoulders and I raise my eyes and smile at him.

 

He’s staring, wide eyed, slightly open mouth, breathing hard.  “What?” He says in a whisper, almost as if he’s scared or embarrassed.  Maybe he’s more modest than I thought.

 

“You…”  I breathe out deeply and shake my head at him. 

 

“I, what?”

 

“This!”  I exclaim and laugh a little, still resting my weight against his lap, still feeling him right there, my hands still resting on his shoulders.  “You’re fucking…..”  I give up.  I can’t explain it to him in words how…how fucking sexy his body is, how it’s perfect, cut and trim and muscular…and…and just damn manly.

 

I love that, I love when a man is muscular and fit underneath his clothes, when he…he looks exactly, ex-fucking-actly as a man should. 

 

I just pull myself up tight on him and press the lacy material of my bra and the fullness of my breasts against his chest and I smile against him.  “I want you in me…..”  He sucks air in through his teeth and I lean in and kiss him, pulling back to whisper, “now.”

 

Our mouths attack each other and his hands grip my skin on my back moving up to my bra strap and fumbling only momentarily at the clasp before getting it unhooked.  I feel the tight material loosen around my shoulders and his hands move in between us, our lips never parting as I work to get my arms out of the straps. His hands move up under the material, cupping my bare breasts in them, rubbing his thumbs over my nipples so that I sigh and gasp.

 

I pull away.  I have to breathe.

 

But he doesn’t make it easy.  I toss the material over, wherever, anywhere and then hold onto his shoulders as his lips move to my neck and shoulder and then down and down.

 

He moves over me too, bending me back over his knees, holding me there with his hand and arms, bending me over him but not letting me rest back against the bed.  He looks up at me with deep, dark blue eyes, and smiles at me as his mouth moves down, hovering over my breast.

 

He smiles, staring at me, making sure I’m watching him as he leans down, licks his lips and closes them over the tip of my breast.  My eyes roll back in my head.  It’s…god it’s too much to watch and I grip his shoulders and hold on as he holds me and…and sucks me.  His tongue is now flat against my nipple, rubbing against it until the tip flicks the tightened peak.  Then he moves it around in a circular motion. God…

 

I can’t….

 

Shit.

 

I start whining and furiously rub and push my hips against his where the ache is spreading and growing down at the center of my core.  It aches and my clit is throbbing.  I can feel the blood pumping through me, all through me.

 

He doesn’t do anything to stop, only moves one hand up to my neck, the other still supporting me on the middle of my back.  I can feel how long his fingers are, how they are spread against my skin, and I start to think how good they’ll feel inside of me.

 

And I close my eyes and pant.  God I want them inside of me.

 

He moves his mouth over to my other nipple and starts to circle it with his tongue just like he did the other, and I whine and move my hands up to his head and gasp.

 

“Just-Justin, stop…”

 

He pulls back with a loud sucking noise and smiles at me, dragging out, “Yessss?”

 

“I want you to finger me.”  I pant and say simply.

 

He stares at me, gulps and then blinks.

 

“Ok.” 

 

He pulls me back up flush against him and I hold him, resting my cheek against his shoulder, feeling my breasts pressed against his warm chest and liking…no…no…

 

Loving the way it feels, sexy and comforting and …damn…. Perfect.

 

His hands move down my back and around my sides and I pull back and rest my forehead against his.  We smile at each other and both look down as his hands move over my stomach and down.

 

“Are you wet for me?”  He whispers and I nod, making his head move with mine.  I giggle and he just smiles.

 

His finger easily flicks the button of my jeans open and I watch his thumb and forefinger move down the zipper carefully.

 

He traces his forefinger over the black, lacy material there showing underneath my jeans.

I find myself panting.

 

“Wait...”  I say when his hands start to move in between the material of my jeans and my thong.

 

His hand pauses, then retreats a little, and he places it on my thigh.  He looks up at me and I take a breath and stare at him.

 

It’s…it’s too much and it’s too late.

 

Right now, right now I need this and I don’t need any more teasing.

 

It’s been…it’s been too long since I’ve had a man and I’ve spent too much time wanting this particular man not to just dive right into this.

 

I’ll have time to make up for all the foreplay later. 

 

Later…

 

But not right now…

 

“I want you.  I changed my mind…”  I lick my lips and scoot back from him a little and move my hand down, touching, gripping what I’ve wanted to touch for so long.  I thought I’d be scared to, that I’d be shy about it and giggle, but I don’t.  I grip him and hold him in my hand the best I can through the denim. “I want this.”

 

He groans, deep, deep from his chest when I touch him, and I palm him a little, pressing my small hand, trying to grip him through his tight jeans.

 

But…

 

But god damn he’s too thick.

 

Too fucking thick in his jeans, too turned on, too hard for me to even fucking grip him well.

 

I keep trying to grip him and finally move my eyes from where I was watching my hand to his lips and I kiss him hungrily, tasting him.  I want to taste him.  And I want to put his thick length in my mouth.  But later.

 

Later….

 

I suck on his lip and pull back, smiling, “Do you have a condom?”

 

He grins and slaps my ass playfully, making me jump.  “Girl you know after that kiss in the car today I came prepared for anything.”

 

We end up just smiling at each other for several moments and finally I raise an eyebrow at him and go, “Well?”

 

“Back pocket…”  He smiles and leans in and starts licking against my neck a little, small slow circles, sucking a little, not hard, not enough to make me get a bruise there, but enough to make my breathing labor.

 

I move my hand down his naked back to his back pockets against his almost non-existent ass. I grope him down there for a moment, feeling his lips laugh against my skin and finally I pull out his wallet.  “Wallet?”  I whisper.

 

“Mmmhmm.”  He moans against my skin and I pull back a little, making his lips pull from my skin, leaving my neck a little wet. 

 

I rest fully against him, his cock straining up against his jeans, pressing against my own. And I fumble clumsily with his wallet so much that he grabs it from my hands, unfolds it carefully, and pulls out from within where his dollar bills are a small grayish square.  He throws his wallet on the floor and holds the condom in between two fingers as he leans in and kisses me some more.

 

It’s deep and powerful and one of his hands leaves from where it was running up my side to the comforter and presses into it.  He leans over me and I push my back against the mattress and pillows and let him lean into me.

 

We never stop pressing.

 

His body settles with mine, laps still touching, my legs on either side of his, both of us cursing the denim, his chest pressed against mine, his lips open and rubbing against my own, our tongues sliding…

 

He groans and pushes himself deep into me. And it starts to happen.  He keeps kissing and kissing and pulls his body back and his hand works down and starts tugging at my already undone jeans.  I start trying to tug them off myself, moving my hands down to my waist and lifting my ass off the bed to push them down.

 

“Jess!”

 

I gasp and before I can get my jeans pass my ass, I flop back against the bed and stare up at him, our lips seared apart.  Did…

 

No, no.

 

I didn’t just hear that?  Am I hearing things?  That wasn’t him.

 

I blink and he’s staring down at me, just staring.

 

“Jess!  Are you in there?”  I lick my lips and Justin mouths, “It’s Rich.”

 

“Jess please!”  Rich is pleading and I don’t know why in the world he’d bother us right now.  I mean sometimes he can get all big brother with me but this is his cousin.  And why isn’t he off with Liz?

 

I suck in a breath.  No….no!  Nothing… Nothing, not a fucking thing is stopping this.

 

“Ignore him.  Pretend we aren’t in here,” I whisper to him, thankful the door is locked.  He nods and moves his head closer, his lips reaching out for my own.  Yes, I can’t wait to kiss him again.  This is really gonna happen…nothing is going to stop this.

 

“God dammit Jess!! Liz is sick!”  He yells and we both jump.  “We fucking had to call the ambulance!  Open the fucking door!”

 

 I don’t even blink before Justin’s off me.  It’s only a matter of seconds and he’s moving off the bed and pulling me up.  He’s breathing hard and so am I as he hands me my shirt.

 

It’s like I completely stop thinking. My shirt goes over my head, down against my body, his tank top is back on, and my jeans are buttoned and zipped. And it’s like I didn’t even think.

 

“Ambulance?”  I say to him and he just nods to the door and I unlock it.

 

I swing the door open and Rich is there, tears streaming down his face, bracing himself against the door frame looking up at us.

 

“Holy fuck,” I whisper and know immediately this is more than her just having too much to drink and throwing up.

 

Justin puts his hand on my hip.  He’s right behind me, saying, “Rich, what happened?”

 

“She…she…she won’t wake up!”

 

I gulp and look back up at Justin who sighs.  His crotch is lightly pressed against my ass with how close he’s standing to me, and I can feel him, losing it.  We both just lost it.

 

My best friend is….is sick or…or something worse.

 

And me and Justin, whatever had just happened is over.  Just like that.

 

And I….I can’t think.

 

I don’t know if I want to.

The Giving Up/In

 

It's been the worst day.  And not because anything in particular has happened to me that's been bad, I'm just...I'm fucking fed up.  I fucking give up.  I'm anxious, nervous, scared, and disappointed.

 

And I can never, ever win.

 

He hasn’t called and he hasn’t visited.  He hasn’t even given me a message through Rich.  The last time I saw him was when he gave me a quick hug and a kiss on my cheek before I hopped in the car with Liz's neighbor, Katie.  She hadn't been drinking as much as everyone else and I was so fucking thankful.  I know I sobered the hell up when I rushed downstairs and saw Liz lying there on the couch, breathing heavy but not opening her eyes.  I kept calling her name and calling her name, and I started to cry when she wouldn’t wake up.  Someone had already gotten a wet cloth and put it on her forehead, but still that didn’t work.  I tapped her face a little against her cheek and she groaned. Her eyes opened.

 

Everyone that was huddled around let out a sigh of relief, the tension in the room immediately slackening.

 

And I just started crying even harder.

 

I don’t know why.  I mean, she's ok now; she was ok then.  This has happened before.  I've had to do this to her a few times before in my life, ever since we became good friends my senior year in high school.  The ambulance came and got her soon after she woke up.

 

See, she has this disorder that makes her faint really easily and kind of puts her unconscious for a while.  Rich knew about it, but she hadn’t fainted in so long, never since they met, so he didn’t know what to do. Everyone else was panicking as well.  It was scary.

 

The hospital kept her over night because she was dehydrated and intoxicated.  I should have looked out for her.  I should have been there and monitored her drinking instead of off trying to fuck Justin.

 

And now it's Wednesday, five fucking days have gone by and nothing.  Not even a Reese's or a note or a wave as he passed by the front of the store.  He hasn't passed by; I've watched, I've stared, I've obsessed.

 

And nothing.

 

I stayed with Liz and Rich all through the night Friday and finally when they released her the next morning I stayed with them on Saturday until later that evening.  When Liz was asleep and Rich was lying by her, I could just tell that the last thing they needed was me there...looking on as they were all in love and concerned for each other.

 

I went back to my brother's place.  He was gone to some frat party or something so I was alone.  I thought about calling up Justin but then I realized I don’t even have his fucking number.  I thought about calling someone up but I didn't want to bother Rich and Liz...again, and I knew Bev probably had too much other stuff going on to go to ask her boyfriend if he had his number.

 

Even the thought crossed my mind to call up mom and dad to get Kevin's parents’ number, and then call them to get Kevin's number ‘cause I'm sure he knows Justin's number.  But that was psychotic and I realized that I was being pathetic.

 

I laid on my bed and thought about my night with Justin.  I thought about every kiss and touch from the night before, the way his jeans were strained, how I could see him, really see him, thick and swollen, and…and fuck, long, going down almost half of the length of his thigh, confined by the tight denim to the inside of his right leg.  I tried to get off but nothing would work; my hand wouldn’t work right, it just wouldn’t.  My fingers felt clumsy and rushed and too eager.  Not confident or caring or steady like his would be.  It just wasn’t good enough.  It’ll never be good enough.  I finally got up, frustrated, achy and so fucking lonely.

 

I sat there on the dirty couch in my brother's apartment and closed my eyes and made a vow to myself not to cry about it.  Not to cry at the thought that I was supposed to be with him in that moment.  He had asked me to go out that night, he had asked me to go out on a date with him, only moments before we kissed...

 

I can’t even describe what that night meant to me, what my time with him meant.  It was intense and needy, and yeah I was mainly just concerned with how his lips felt against me, shit all over me, and on my breasts and...God...

 

And his jeans, and how...how it looked in his jeans.  I can’t get over that.  He was hard and it...it was because of me, it was for me.  I don’t blame Liz or Rich, it just happened.  You can't help it when someone gets sick.

 

In fact, maybe there's a reason we were interrupted.  Maybe there's a reason we didn’t have sex.

 

I just don’t know it.

 

I figured it was my fault for not getting his number sooner and that if he really wanted to go out with me he would’ve asked Bev or Rich by now.  But he never called Saturday and that bummed me out.  Sunday, me and my brother spent all day together and I was a little down, but he actually made me feel better.

 

We talked about the apartment situation.  He told me that it wasn’t that he wanted to kick me out and that I can stay with him as long as possible, that he'd take the couch or that his friend could.  He told me he was tired of seeing me in my room all the time, never coming out unless I had plans with Liz, just in a way, taking up space in his apartment.

 

He wanted to see me out on my own.  Even though I probably would just be sitting alone if I had my own place, I knew what he meant.  And even though I'm sure the first thing that matters to him is getting his big sis out so he doesn’t feel so weird with the girls and the parties, I know he means well.

 

My parents have been asking me how long I plan on living with someone else.  My dad keeps telling me to invest, to apply for better jobs.  He doesn't get it.

 

It sounds so easy to do, it sounds like you just have to flip a switch and miracles can happen.  But it's just not that easy.  There's a lot to do in order to get that switch to flip.

 

But I'm starting to think he's right.  They're all right.  I really need to get out there on my own.  I need my own place, my own fucking space.  And I need a new job.  Hannah didn't fire me.  She can't fire me. If she fired me she'd have to work or hire someone new.  And hiring someone new is like the plague to her and god forbid she stand her ass behind that register.

 

Monday morning she came in and was not only short with me, but with Beverly.  It pissed Bev off, but I was alright, I was happy because it was closing in on 10:45.  The time dragged and dragged but I was happy.  I'd get to see him, I'd...I don’t know, get some answers, some feedback.

 

Maybe another hug.

 

Maybe another kiss.

 

Maybe his god damn number.

 

But when it landed on 12:45 and I was still waiting around, I realized he wasn't coming in.  But I still hoped.  I went to lunch and debated going by the store.  But I didn't.  I was scared.  I thought maybe that would be too forceful.  Maybe there hasn’t been enough time to pass. I don't know how these things work.

 

It's like with any other guy I'd be fine.  But this is Justin and he's....I've never liked a guy like this before and I know he likes me back now, in some way...at least I thought so.

 

I can't jeopardize that.  I have to be on my toes, I have to be perfect.  It's making me paranoid.

 

So Monday passed.  Tuesday came.  I brought my lunch that day, not really because I wanted to or needed to, but because I was going to be defiant.  I knew if I had to leave the store to get food I'd purposefully walk downstairs past Foot Locker.  I'd turn into a stalker.  I wanted him to come to me.  I wanted him to make the effort.  I figured Tuesday was the day, he'd walk in...sometime and make my fucking day.

 

And now it's Wednesday, 11:30, and he hasn't shown up. And I have a feeling he's not going to.

 

"Why don’t you just pick up the phone and call him?" I glance up at Beverly who's leaning against the counter behind the registers.  We're dead today.  It's rainy out and unseasonably cold, meaning the mall is dead.

 

Meaning he should have plenty of time to come visit.

 

I smack a price sticker with the pricing gun on the back of one of the gourmet 4 dollars a piece pecan turtles that we just got in.  They're overpriced and not that good and we’ll have to throw away more than half of them when they expire in a few months.

 

"I told you I don’t have his number," I mumble and throw the candy in the basket with the rest of the priced turtles I've already done.

 

Beverly rolls her eyes, pushes herself from the counter and says, "Well I'll get it for you, or hell, here..." She opens up one of the drawers under the register counter and fishes around for a moment before pulling out a glossy brochure, fluttering it at me,  "Here's the mall directory, call down there and ask for the store’s number."

 

I just stare at the paper in her hand and look back at my candy. "What if he's busy?" 

 

"What if you stop being...” She starts to yell and then steps close to me and says in a lower voice, "Shit Jess, stop being a girl and stressing about this!  He likes you, I promise you.  He likes you.  He wasn’t just looking to hook up.  He's probably down there with the directory looking at our number, going…”

 

She deepens her voice to sound like a mental case, “Uhh duhh, I think I should call Jess.  Well, nooo…no I don’t wanna be weird.” 

 

Then she laughs a little and says, “Just call."

 

"What if I did something wrong?" I'm being ridiculous, I know I am.  But I can't help it that these are real fears that are crossing my mind.  I'm searching for a reason why Friday he was more into me than any guy I've ever met and now....it's like he doesn’t even

exist.

 

Or, more like I don't even exist.

 

"Are you serious?  I can't handle this."  Beverly throws up her hands and lets them smack down against her sides.  "You're making this worse for yourself.  Just call, ask him to go on a lunch break with you and talk to him.  Say, Justin this is what I want, can I have it, or ask him to reschedule that date thing for tonight."

 

"He probably has class or something."

 

"Yeah!" She nods and is smiling now.  She laughs a little and says, "That's probably why he hasn’t contacted you.  He's probably busy with school."  It's as if she's trying to find a reason herself and the school one fits the bill the best.  That doesn’t make me feel reassured. I feel like if Justin really liked a girl, school, work, nothing would stop him.

 

"What if he's pissed that we had to stop..." I say, voicing what I hope is untrue, but what most of me is screaming is the reason.  He's not an asshole, I know that.  I don’t know.  Maybe I’m the one who’s pissed we had to stop.  I guess that makes me a horrible friend. "Like what if he's pissed I let Rich open the door....‘cause we were close, Beverly."

 

"You told me..."  Beverly sighs, looks away from me for a moment and then rolls her eyes back at me. "In detail.  Remember Monday morning?"  I almost smile.  I was giddy then because I knew he would come visit, I just knew he would and I was blabbing to Beverly every detail of Friday night; what he was wearing, how his mouth looked, tasted, how his body looked, how his...dick looked…hard in his jeans, sticking out, wanting it so fucking bad.  God he wanted me.  He wanted me! 

 

"Remember Jess?  When Hannah was getting on us for talking too much and not working?  You said he was about to get you naked.  You told me more than I ever wanted to know about Justin's body and...and you said that he was the one who stopped it and got up and got you your clothes and walked with you to the door.  He's not pissed.  He's not that guy, Jess.  He's....god, he's the nicest guy ever and you're just blowing this!"

 

I stare at her and she looks disappointed in me.  Here I've been disappointed in him, in the whole situation but...god dammit, Beverly is right.  I can't just expect him to read my mind and come up here and reassure me that everything’s ok.  Who knows what’s going on with him?  Maybe something bad has happened? Maybe, god, maybe he's sitting down there waiting, just waiting for me to show up.  What if he's just as much of a nervous wreck as I am!

 

I suck in a breath and nod at her. 

 

"You’re..." I smile a little.  I can imagine him in his back stock room or up front by the registers, as dead as we are, in his sexy referee uniform, drumming his fingers nervously, wondering why he hasn’t sucked it up and came up to see me.  Maybe he's on his way

right now.

 

"Ya know, you're right."

 

Beverly's bored face breaks out into a wide smile. "You gonna call him?”

 

"No..." I shake my head and smile at her. I can do this.  I'm not some wimpy girl.  I'm not a damsel.  I’m not going to wait on him.  And I'm not going to just fucking let this opportunity pass by me.  I want him, I want to be with him, whatever way I can, and I'm going to get him...whatever way I can.  "I'm going to go downstairs to Starbucks and go pass his store, go in and see if he's there and smile and ask him if he wants anything and be nice and pleasant and flirty and ask him how he is, like...like I haven’t been sitting here freaking out since Friday night."

 

"There ya go!  Be confident."

 

She puts out her hand and I smack it.  "You want something from Starbucks?" I ask and I bend down below the register to a little cabinet and pull out my purse, fishing in it for some dollar bills.

 

"I thought that was just an excuse."

 

I look up at her and smile, "It is, but it needs to look official, I guess."

 

She laughs. "Just a tall decaf then."

 

I manage to pull out some money and when I close the cabinet, stand up and stuff the bills in my pocket I blink, because standing before me is a black and white striped jersey, black pants, and a bright smile.

 

"Shit, you guys are dead up here."

 

I gulp and look at Beverly who just sighs and leans against the counter, "Yeah...y’all busy?"

 

"I guess." I suck in a breath and stare at the name tag on the chest of the person in front of me.  Dana, it says, and she's short and cute.  Her hair is pulled back and she's got on make-up for days, but it looks good, and her boobs are huge in the jersey.  I just stare at her. She starts to smack some gum and I find myself leaning back against the back counter, holding onto it when she says, "Our manager wants us to get some balloons."

 

I can't move my eyes away from this girl and all I can think is why in the hell didn’t he come get them himself.  He always comes to get them himself.  And if he is busy he'll call and order them and be all cute on the phone and then come pick them up.  And he'll look all ridiculous and cute with a handful of balloons walking out of our store, making some joke about flying away.

 

But he's not here.  Horrible scenarios run through my mind; he's fired, he's killed, he's laying on the side of the road, his Jeep turned over and on fire and no one cares, no one is looking for him.  Who is this girl anyway? I've never seen her before and I want to ask her a million questions.  But I just stand there and stare.

 

She pays me no attention.

 

"Ok, how many?" Beverly asks.  She seems annoyed with this girl, bored with her.

 

"I don’t know." The girl smacks her gum some more and giggles before leaning over the counter, both hands flat on it and looking in between me and Beverly.  "Oh my god, he's so cute.  Our manager Justin, have you met him?  He like totally just was like, ‘Hey Dana, get your little tush up there and get me some balloons.’  Oh...what a fucking flirt!  I love it though."

 

I feel like I might puke.

 

"Yeah..." Beverly says in a flat tone.  "He flirts with everyone."

 

"I don’t know. I haven't seen it."  She shrugs and pulls back a little, licking her lips again before smacking her gum some more.  I can see it when she chews, bright blue in her mouth, and her lip gloss makes her lips look magnified and shiny.  She looks like every other mall skank worker and right now I want to kill her. 

 

"I mean I've just been working there like a week, but God.  I think I might just have to go for this one.  Isn’t that like a conflict of interest or something?"

 

I grip the counter and close my eyes in a slow blink when she starts to fly into giggles.  He wouldn’t date her, right?  Please say he wouldn’t date her.  I can’t stand this.  She's up here, we've never seen her before, and she's acting like her shit is hotter than freaking

Angelina Jolie. What in the hell?  I should tell Justin what she's saying about him.  I... I should talk to him.

 

I should ask him if...if he likes...her.

 

"Sweetie..." Beverly says, and if my nerves weren’t a fucking mess right now, I'd cheer her on and hug her for what she says. "I've been working in this mall for years and so has Justin.  He flirts...with everyone. Plus, he has a girlfriend I think."

 

"No he doesn’t! I asked him this morning.  He said he was single."  It’s like she talks in slow motion and every word seems to stab me hard and piercing, right into my chest, blood everywhere, slowly gushing down my green apron.  My throat starts to close in and my eyes are getting dizzy.

 

It's ridiculous.  It's pathetic.  We barely even hooked up and there is no commitment there what so ever!  So what if we've made it clear we have feelings for each other and...and so what  if he knows I want him for more than sex? And so what if I thought that maybe that he wanted the same?  So what if I was so, so wrong?  About everything.

 

Maybe I need to sit down. 

 

"In fact I asked him to go out this Friday and he said sure! Oh my god you guys, I'll have to come tell you girls how it went."

 

I want to cry.  But I'm not going to.  I promised myself I wouldn’t cry about this or about him.  He's....he's....he's just an asshole.

 

And I'm just a dumb, stupid girl who got her hopes blown up bigger than the biggest fucking bubble in the world. And then this little skank just came in, with a thin, tiny needle, and popped any hopes or chances I ever had with him.

 

"Hmm, I'll have to ask him about that then," Beverly says. As she passes me by to go to the far corner of the registers where the helium tank, balloons, and ribbons are, she stares right at me and puts her hand on my shoulder. "Jess, why don’t you go get us those

coffees?"

 

"No, I'll do the balloons," I say in a whisper.

 

"Jess..."

 

The Dana girl sighs and pushes herself up from where she was leaning all over our counter and says, "Oh, I gotta go down and get some money from Justin to pay for these.  I guess just like 10 balloons, all red or something.  But I'll be back in like 15."

 

"That sounds good. Here..." Beverly turns, leans over our counter and reaches down in front of them, blindly searching for a package of Reese's.  She grabs one and hands it to Dana.  "Give him one of these, say it's from Jess."

 

"Who's Jess?"  The girl asks with a bit of attitude.

 

"Oh it's just a little inside joke.  Don't worry, he'll laugh and think you are like the coolest thing, I promise." Beverly fake laughs and Dana starts to smile, looking down at the orange package.  I take in a breath, thankful the girl hasn’t looked at my nametag, that she's stuck up and clueless.  But at the same time I have to wonder what in the hell he's going to think if she really gives it to him and says it’s from “Jess”.

 

She waves at us as she walks out of the door with the hand that's holding the Reese’s, flashing orange at us.  I stare at her, even after she's out of view.  I just can't stop staring at where that orange wrapper was. 

 

"Jess...she's just a mall skank," Beverly says, her hand on my shoulder.  "She doesn’t know what she's talking about.  We've never even met that bitch and she's up here blabbing her mouth.  He'd never go for a girl like that, I swear to you...ok?  Jess..."

 

I blink and finally say, “I want to go home." I look down at the floor and sigh.  "I know I'm being a pathetic girl, but I want to go home."

 

"Go on a break..."  I look up at Beverly and she's looking at me concerned, sweet, the motherly friend that I truly do appreciate, "Now."

 

I shake my head at her.  I know what she wants me to do and I can't.  I can't face him, not now. Not when I'm like this.  Not when I know he's about to fuck some mall skank.  Not now that I know for sure that I don't matter.  "I don’t wanna go down there."

 

"Then don’t.  Just go get a drink, sit down, get some ice cream or a cookie and clear your head. Call your friend Liz, vent, and come back.  Ok? Please...I just can’t have you in here shaking and looking like you might start freaking out."

 

I look down and my hands are a little jittery at my sides. I clasp them together tightly in front of my lap and say in a whisper, "But I am freaking out."

 

"Why?"  Beverly asks.  She knows why.  She has to know why.  Or maybe she just hasn’t given up on me and Justin.  Well she can still keep on believing.

 

But I've given up, I've given in.  And I know I need to figure out, I need to find a way to move on from him.

 

Maybe Beverly just doesn't understand what he means to me, what he could be for me.

 

"I've....I've never liked anyone like him before Beverly!  It's like I've got my hopes up and everything and it’s not just like this is a crush, an ‘oh I'll get over it because it just started’ thing.  No Beverly...for the past fucking six months of my life I've been dedicated to him whether we were together or not!"

 

"Shh...shh..."  She hugs me.  And I'm kind of in shock.  I don't really feel it and I just stand there as she pulls back and says to me, "Go, please. Please just go chill for a half hour or so, alright?  Go get us those coffees and then come back, ok?"

 

I feel like a zombie, shuffling out behind the registers, holding my hand against my forehead, tired, achy.  I just want to give up, go home, live with my parents forever and hide underneath the covers.  I exit our store and blink a little, holding my eyes wide and trying not to cry, trying to dry them out as best I can.  I could turn right, go down the steps and pass by Justin's store on the way to Starbucks, but I don’t.

 

I turn left and decide to walk the long way, all the way to the escalators by the food court and then go down and turn back right.  I lick my lips.  I feel thirsty and my head feels heavy.

 

I should just go back, get my purse and my keys and go back to the apartment.  I should. Maybe I'll do that once I get my coffee. I’ll just tell Beverly I can’t do this today.  I'm such a fucking--

 

"Jess!!"

 

My skin feels prickly and I jump.  My shoulders feel cold and I shiver.  I stop immediately in my stride and blink.  I've only gotten one store down from mine and when I turn, following the sound of the loud, male, echoing voice in the mall. I see him, running a little towards me, jogging just slightly from the steps by Macy’s.

 

I whisper to myself, "Oh my god…" and I watch him approach me.

 

He's...he's running to me, not quickly or a sprint, but still…  He looks good, tired but good, striped jersey, black slacks, short hair and a bright smile, just like always.

 

He gets closer and stops with a sigh. His face is a little pink and he props one hand against the railing and the other reaches forward to touch my arm just for a moment, just a small, quick touch.  I gulp.  

 

"Hey..."  He smiles a little and I just keep staring at him.  He's...

 

After five fucking days he’s right here in front of me and I don’t know what in the hell to say or to do or anything. 

 

"Hey, sorry..."  He rolls his eyes and says, "I'm such a loser. I just ran through the mall.  Hey..."  He says it again, he keeps saying it and when he says it this time, he looks at me genuinely, like he did Friday night, lazy eyes and a small smile, as if I'm the most comforting thing he's ever seen.

 

I still want to cry.

 

"Hi."  It's all I can say and it's small when I say it.  I feel small.

 

His eyes are soft and deep and that dark blue color. He’s looking right at me, not off to the side, not distracted or nervously looking at other things…he’s looking right at me, only me.  Five days have done nothing, not a damn thing to change how he looks at me.  But five days has done everything to me, it’s fucked me up, made me insecure, pathetic, and made me rethink everything. 

 

And now he’s just here, swiping my slate clean, making me forget the past days’ misery without him. "How's Liz?"

 

"Better."   But my guard’s still up.

 

"Yeah that’s what Rich said when I talked to him.”  He smiles a little, his hand is still on my arm and he moves up now, fingertips grazing my skin until they hit the sleeve of my shirt. Then he cups my shoulder and gives me a firm, lingering squeeze, “And how are

you?"

 

"I'm ok."  I lie.  I’m not ok.  I’m fucking not ok!  I’m freaking out.  He’s here, everything should be fine.  He’s looking at me and smiling at me like, like I really do matter to him but, but…but where the hell was he!?

 

"You look...”  He cringes for a moment and then says quickly, “like something bad happened, what’s up?"

 

"Oh just...ya know...”  I force a smile and wave a hand, lying to his face.  “Stupid customers."

 

He smiles for a moment at me, looking at me very carefully and then he stuffs his hand into his front pocket and pulls out an orange packet and wiggles it at me.

 

"Thanks…”  He laughs a little and then rolls his eyes.  “That girl came down and was all ‘this is from Jess...’ and started laughing all weird and I was like...”  He sighs and is looking at me again in that soft, sweet way.  “Shit, I know I haven’t been up there and I realized I probably seem like the biggest asshole to you.  So I came up to get my little balloons and saw you walking away."

 

I just stare at him and swallow hard as he holds the mashed package in his hand.  It’s probably smeared and melting now that he put it in his pocket.  I don’t refute him, and I don’t disagree with him about seeming like an asshole.  Actually, I couldn’t bring myself to think that, to really believe that he just decided I wasn’t worth his time.  And even if he had decided that I wasn’t worth his time, I wouldn’t think of him as an asshole.  I’m too far in this now to back out and be able to call him names. 

 

"Lemme buy you a snack or coffee, please.”  He says pleadingly, smiling. “And then I'll go up and get the balloons from you."

 

"O…ok." I should say no.   I should have said ‘I have to get back to work’ but no, I’m there walking beside him. He’s looking down, carefully unwrapping his smashed Reese’s, pulling the chocolate from the black wrapper, biting into it, sucking on his finger and thumb at the chocolate smeared there.

 

We don’t say a word as we walk to the escalators and go down and towards Starbucks.  Once we are down on the first level he tosses his wrapper into the trash can, still sucking a little at his fingers.  I keep thinking how those lips that are against his fingers are the ones that were against my mouth and my skin. And his fingers…those were the ones, pressing into my hips, pulling me down against him so I could feel how much he wanted me.

 

I start to ache.

 

But I’m still so fucking unsure about everything.  He hasn’t even mentioned that night.  It’s like it never existed to him.  But it did.  It happened.  I was fucking there!

 

It’s weird.  The end of last week we were holding hands, leaning into each other, smiling, flirting.  And now we’re walking 3 feet apart from each other, not talking, just there together, awkward and distant.

 

Before I know it, we’re in the line, already ordered.  He gets a plain coffee and I get a latte, but he insists on paying for mine and I don’t complain.  I think I’m still a little in shock that I’m back standing next to him and I don’t know if it’s the time that’s passed or just being by him again, but I can’t stop thinking about Friday night, about us on that lumpy bed, about to fuck.  As we stand there and wait for our drinks to be made, he has his arms crossed over his chest and mine are stuffed in my pant pockets.  I’m afraid if I let them go I might start touching him.  The way his chest and arms look all tight and pressed against each other right now is just too dangerous.

 

And I can’t look away. 

 

"So how was the rest of your weekend, besides your best friend almost dying?"  He says with a small smile, looking down at me with laughter, but concern.  I force my eyes to rise from his chest to his face and the little smirk he has there makes me want to jump him.

 

"Boring…” I say and then mumble, “lonely."

 

"Girl..."  His arms uncross and I feel it, a hand against my shoulder, squeezing and then running down to rub my lower back.  I want to die underneath his hand. I want his hand everywhere.

 

But the guy calls for our drinks and I quickly step forward and snatch mine.  He…he…he can’t just fucking touch me now!

 

I walk over to the little counter with straws and creamer and I grab a few napkins, thinking to myself that I forgot to get Beverly her coffee. I hope she’s not mad.  He’s right beside me soon and he’s looking at me cautiously as he takes a smidge of cream and pours it into his coffee, blending the white swirls with a little wooden stick. He sighs heavily, "I was going to get your number from Rich and call you up Saturday but I knew you were with Liz, and I figured the last thing you wanted to be bothered with was a stupid boy when your best friend was really sick."

 

I suck in a breath that’s deep and quiet and when I say, "I wish you would have called," it’s a whisper.  I don’t look at him; just stare at the cup in my hand that’s hot, almost too hot even through the napkin and the little cardboard ring.

 

"Jess..."

 

It’s like someone plugs in a lamp in my head and as soon as he says my name I can’t wait any longer.  I jerk my head up and say quickly, fast, staring right at him, searching his eyes, asking him without really asking him if he’s still mine…if…if he ever was. "That girl that came to get balloons..."

 

His eyebrows furrow and he asks, "Dana?"

 

I shake my head a little, "Yeah, she said you two were going out on Friday."

 

"Yeah, she mentioned getting the work crew together for a drink and I told her I might be able to stop by for a little, but…”  He scratches the back of his head and looks at me, “I was kind of hoping I'd have other plans."

 

I expel a large breath, "She said it was a date!"

 

A small, sexy smirk comes to his face, "Are you jealous?"

 

"Funny." But I don’t find it humorous.  Does he not realize what the past five days have done to me?

 

That right there, that smirk and that comment make it crystal fucking clear, it makes it obvious right then and there that for me this is much, much more serious than it is for him.  That’s fucking dangerous.  That makes me doubt this. 

 

I turn and start to walk away.

 

"Jess..."  He calls out to me and soon I’m out of the store. There’s a bench in front of it, in between the Clinque kiosk and a Dippin’ Dots kiosk.  There’s a few potted trees and two benches, one is occupied by an old woman with a cane and several shopping bags.

She’s just sitting there.

 

I sit down and when I look up, he’s standing right in front of me, eyes droopy, mouth slightly opened. I just shake my head at him and say, “I haven’t spoken to you in five days Justin.  And after Friday night and, and what happened I didn’t know if I had done

something wrong and it just..."

 

He sits down immediately beside me, arm across the back of the bench behind my shoulders, coffee in one hand, body turned towards me. He looks right at me and says quickly, “I need to ask you something."

 

I gulp.

 

"What?" A moment passes. The old lady across from us sneezes loudly.

 

"What are you doing tonight?"

 

Yes…Yes.  Ask me out, ask me to do anything, I’ll be there, I’ll go.  As long as you’re there, too.  

 

I’m pathetic. 

 

“Nothing." I grin softly.  I can’t believe I went from doubting him to needing him in only a few minutes.

 

This is really dangerous.  This is bad. 

 

He takes a deep breath and stares at my knees.  I look at them but nothing is on them, just my green apron across my front and lap and my pants underneath.  I take a sip of my latte and watch him.  He opens his mouth and his eyes meet mine. 

 

He says softly, but quickly, "I haven’t been up to get Reese's because tomorrow and Friday we're having corporate…”  He pauses and shuts his eyes for a moment as if he’s nervous and trying to compose himself.  “Corporate Foot Locker Jess, come by and survey our store.  They only do it for a few stores in the nation.  Normally they go to the big city ones, but somehow my store is on that list, and so I have to be on-fucking-point.  I have to get in all this new gear and product out and get the store immaculately cleaned and it's insane.  And of course, none of my staff can help.” 

 

He rolls his eyes and pulls his arm from around the bench behind me and leans his back against it, both hands against his thighs, holding the cup.  “I have one or two that say they might show up tonight, but this was just sprung on me Monday morning that they were coming back and since none of my lazy staff can come help, I’ve been trying to get as much done during the day as possible. And it’s hard when we have a sales floor to run, too."

 

He stares at his coffee and asks, “And as shitty as this sounds, and I know you don’t want to work on a night off, but I might as well ask… Would you want to come help?”  He glances at me cautiously. “It'd be money under the table and just for a couple hours.

You'll be home by midnight, I promise." 

 

I don’t say anything at first because I’m a little shocked and a little unsure.  Why in the hell would he ask me to help?  He’s the manager of his store, he can require people to work.  He can get people from another Foot Locker to help.  And his staff isn’t that lazy, at least I don’t think.

 

Well maybe that Dana bitch is lazy.  And what the hell?! She’s in love with him, I’m sure she’d be first to sign up!

 

I wonder….I just have to wonder what the real reason is for him asking me to help. 

 

I want to say because he really is desperate for help, but I think I know why.  I think…I think maybe he wants to be alone with me. 

 

I feel myself start to smile inside. 

 

And maybe, maybe he does have to work on his store, or maybe he’s just too chicken to ask me out.

 

And if that’s the case, then instead of turning me off and me thinking of him as a big loser, it makes him kind of sweet and endearing in my eyes.  But why would he be chicken?!   He asked me to go out with him last Saturday night, didn’t he?  He wasn’t scared then.

 

It doesn’t make sense.  But it’s an opportunity to be with him, possibly alone.  And I’m sure as hell not passing that up.  I gotta be that confident, determined girl again.  I need to go after what I want and what I need.  I need to go after him.

 

"You can say no,” he says after several moments of me not responding.

 

"I'll help," I say.

 

I can see him gulp visibly and he starts to smile a little, "Really?"

 

"Yeah…”  I blink and I smile at him.  He starts to smile back, teeth white and eyes crinkled in the corners.  I realize this is the first genuine smile I’ve given him since that night, since when his hands were against my hips and he was pulling down my pants.  I take in a deep breath and keep staring at him.

 

 “I'll help."

 

I have no fucking clue what’s going to happen tonight, but as I sit there and watch him sip his coffee and stay quiet and silent and just watch him as he watches me and smiles, I know something, I sure as hell know that something…anything…is going to happen tonight.

 

I give in.  And I suddenly don’t give a fuck about the past five days.  It’s going to happen.  It is happening and it’s about time.

There’s a knock on the front glass of the store and I look up to see out of it, but I can’t because we have paper covering up the front windows for the new display tomorrow.  I trip over my feet a little and curse at myself as I step from the carpet to the hardwood floor walkway that leads to the front door of our store.  The mall closed about 30 minutes ago and I sent all my employees home. 

 

I’m really a fucking idiot.  Today proved that.  Here I was thinking I was being a gentleman and not pressuring her too much.  Here I thought I was giving her space, letting her spend time with her friend instead of being annoyed by a horny man who craved her more than air.

 

And today showed me that that was a mistake.  She’s been waiting for me, wanting me and I just sat down here waiting, stressing out about Thursday and Friday, giving her “space” when all she wanted was reassurance.

 

I just sat down here debating whether to approach her, how to approach her, wondering when I did approach her if I’d be able to keep my hands to myself and if the images of her half naked and grinding into me, eyes closed and head tilted back in a sigh would stay out of my mind.

 

I hope I give it to her tonight, the reassurance that is. And well, maybe something more.   I hope I can make her see that tonight is about her and me and nothing else.  This whole store thing is bull shit and I’m surprised she didn’t call me out on it.  I’m a piss poor liar and I was lying my face off this afternoon when I was begging her for her help.  I got pretty much everything I need done.  I just need to clean up a little bit and then head home.

 

I don’t even know what made me ask her to come over here tonight.  It just popped in my head and I figured if I seemed desperate for help she’d be more receptive to that than the asshole who stood her up for five days after asking her out for drinks.

 

And after she agreed to help I should have just been straight with her.  Maybe she knows, maybe she figured it out.  She’s a smart girl and when we finished our coffees and just sat there with each other not really talking, she was all smiles.  We got up a few minutes after we had sat down and walked back upstairs.  I wanted to hold her hand.  But I didn’t.

 

When we got to the store, Beverly squealed and ran to me and hugged me.  When I looked at Jess her face was red and embarrassed and I didn’t understand.  And too quickly, much, much too quickly, I was walking down to my store with a handful of balloons, thinking about how fucking perfect Jess looked wide eyed and smiling, how her apron with little pieces of Styrofoam randomly stuck to it looked across her breasts and tied around her waist.  How I wanted to be tied around her waist.

 

I want her legs tied around mine.

 

I suck in a breath and pull down a little on the bottom of my tank when I approach the front door.  I take a deep breath.  It’s…it’s not that I’m nervous.  I just, I guess in a way this afternoon showed that I have kind of fucked up with Jess and I gotta keep making her smile and keep making her eyes bright because I can’t stand to see her upset.  And just.

 

I can’t fuck this up.

 

We had….shit, Friday was amazing.  I never in my life thought she’d taste and smell and feel as good as she did and we didn’t even have sex.  I’ve never made out with a girl that intensely. Ever.  Her breasts….they were like out of my dreams or something. I know that’s a gay ass thing to say, but they were.  They weren’t huge but they were a nice size, round and fit perfectly in my hands, and her nipples were a light pinkish brown that looked amazing against her ivory skin.  And…and the sounds she made when I kissed her there…

 

I clear my throat and lick my lips.  I can’t do this right now.  I seriously have to control myself before I let her through that door. 

 

And…and if all she wants to do is work, I gotta think up shit to give her to do.  I can’t let her know that the only reason I brought her here was to try to relive Friday night.  To try to continue Friday night.

 

I put my hand against the lock against the front glass double doors and unlock it and push it open.  She’s there, cute, jeans and a grey t-shirt with faded writing against her breasts. Her hair is down and straight and she has a purse slung over her shoulder.  She smiles.

 

“Hey…come in…”  I say and she does, walking past me, smelling…fuck.  She’s wearing that same god damn perfume she was wearing Friday night.  I pull the door shut behind her and lock the door again.

 

She’s a few feet away from me looking around the store.  Its a little dark in here, I just have on the ceiling lights, not the spot lights.  It’s dim, but lit enough and she turns and looks at me for a moment.

 

“Where’s…”  She shuts her mouth quickly and bites the corner of her lip, staring at me with those big, dark brown eyes. 

 

“It looks nice.”  She adds quickly.

 

And while I stare at her and she stares at me I realize.

 

She knows.  She fucking knows.

 

She knows exactly why I asked her to come here tonight.  She knows exactly what I need “help” with.

  

And she’s smiling.

 

“Thanks,” I say, trying to sound as smooth and cool as possible, pushing myself from the door and walking past her and further into the store.  “We’ve worked hard on it.  I still need to clean up a few things, but I’m pretty much done I think.”

 

I just go ahead and admit it.  It’s out there now, there’s no me having to make up shit now.

 

She knows and I’m fucking giddy.

 

“Right…” She sits down on one of the wooden benches there on the right side of the walkway, between a socks bin and a Nike Shocks display.  “So um, been a stressful week, huh?”

 

I nod and walk closer to her.  She's holding her purse in her lap now, looking at me. “Yeah, it has been.  And I wanna apologize about this week.  I thought I was giving you space or something and I probably just came off as an asshole.”

 

“No…no…”  She shakes her head. I immediately sit down beside her and move to straddle the bench so I can look directly at her.  I hold the bench in between my knees as some sort of restraint to being this close to her.  It keeps me a few feet away and I’m able to occupy my hands.  She smells...amazing and she looks....perfect.

 

“Come on Jess, it’s a pretty asshole thing to do to tell a girl you really like her, hook up with her…”  I pause and she looks at me, her cheeks slightly pinkening, and I just go for it, “Hell, almost have sex with her and then not go see her or call her for days.”

 

She’s blushing fully now and says softly, “It’s ok.”

 

I shake my head and reach for her hand that's still against her bag; so much for restraint.  I pick it up and squeeze it. “I should have called you Saturday.  I thought about you every minute of that day.  I’ve thought about you every day since then.”

 

“You have?”  She's whispering and I lace my fingers against hers and rub the inside of her palm with my fingertips.  Her hands are warm and tiny.  And I can’t help but think of the way they gripped my shoulders and ran down my chest, how they held my face so we could kiss.

 

I want her hand on me....down there.  I want it grabbing my cock, stroking it, almost making me cum.  And then I want her to hold it and guide it into her body.  I want her to touch herself in front of me.  I want her fingers in my mouth after she’s done it.  I want them grabbing my back as I make her cum and spasm and scream.

 

Shit. 

 

“God girl, after the things you were doing to me how could I not think of you?”

 

She ducks her head and tries to pull her hand away, but I don’t let her, I just use it to try and pull closer to her. “Justin…”

 

“What?  I’m sorry.  You wanna not talk about it?”

 

“No, we can talk about it.”

 

I let go of her hand and reach up to brush her hair over her shoulder.  “I like you Jess.  Nothing’s changed that.  I really hate that I made you doubt any of that.  And I’m sorry that Dana girl said the shit she did.  Beverly told me this afternoon. She came down to my store and talked to me.”

 

Jess’ eyes widen and the color drains from her face.  “I would have already had a talk with Dana but she had left for the day, so I’m going to talk to her tomorrow if I get a chance with corporate here.  And if she keeps saying shit to the entire mall then I’m going to have to fire her.  ‘Cause it’s not cool for her to be making up shit about me, especially to you.  But nothing’s changed from Friday night.  I just want you more now.  It’s like really, really bad now.”

 

“It’s always been bad for me.”  She looks up at me and is biting her lip, but she starts to smile and I lean in a little and smile back at her.

 

“I used to just crave Reese’s every now and then… and now…now I’m fucking addicted, Jess.”

 

Her smile fades and she looks at me with wide eyes and speaks in a pleading voice, her hand touching my knee. “I had fun with you Friday night and I am sorry that--”

 

I cover her hand with mine and keep it there against my knee, wishing I had the guts to pull it higher.  I cut her off and say directly into her wide eyes, “Don’t apologize for something you couldn’t control, no one could.  No one knew Liz would get sick and I’d be a real asshole if I didn’t let you go help her, or if I expected an apology from you for getting off that bed with me.”

 

She pauses and looks down at our hands. “Did I do everything ok?”

 

I almost have to laugh at her.  Is she serious?  She is.  She's staring at me now, nibbling on that god damn bottom lip of hers that I want...that I need to suck in my mouth again.  I need it dragging across my skin, down over my chests and stomach….down against my dick. 

 

Fuck, it hurts.  It hurts so damn bad.  Jacking off just makes me feel pathetic, and while I’ve done it, yeah, quite a bit lately, it doesn’t give me the release I need.

 

It just makes me want her to do those things to me.

 

“Are you kidding me?  Girl, did you not feel me?”

 

“Yeah…I did.”  She blushes and I know I'm being bold, talking all about me getting hard and shit, but whatever.  We were there Friday night.  We were flirting and so what if we were a little drunk, we both wanted it.  And I still want it. 

 

“Why you getting all shy on me Jess?”

 

“I don’t know.  I guess ‘cause I kind of…I’ve just been left wanting and waiting ever since that night.” Shit.  I stare at her and she stares at me and then suddenly she looks down at her purse and stands up off the bench.

 

Hell no.  Hell fucking no.

 

 “I should go put my purse up and we should get to work.”

 

I grab her arm and yank her down.  “Sit down,” I say forcefully.

 

“What?” Her purse drops to the floor and she laughs a little uncomfortably when her ass hits the bench. 

 

I just, I fucking can't stand it anymore!  Yeah, so what if it was supposed to build up and be me seducing her and kissing her all slow?  I can't...I can't stand this!  I need her.  I've been needing her and it has been building up since the moment I fucking met her! Since that fucking moment I walked into her damn store to get my fucking candy.  I’ve wanted her, I’ve craved her.

 

My dick has been aching for her, my…my lips need to kiss her.  I feel desperate and lonely without her near me.  It’s like I’ve got this sick disease and she’s the only fucking cure.

 

“Just…”  She starts to say and I don't stop myself and I don’t think I could if a gun was pointed to my temple, finger on the trigger. I reach forward and put one hand around her back on her waist and I pull myself up to her and grab her face with my other hand and turn it to me.

 

And I kiss her.

 

I fucking kiss her.  Hard, forcefully, and she grips the straps of my tank in her fists and moans against my mouth, turning her torso against mine and kissing me back almost as furiously as I'm kissing her.  Tongues sliding and swiping, lips desperate, pushing and pulling each other closer.  I break away from her mouth roughly and keep my hand on her cheek and say right into those large, fucking beautiful eyes, “Nothing..."

 

I grip her cheek harder and feel like shaking something.  I’m not trying to be hurtful, I just want her to feel the force and the need that's in me.  I want her to feel how much I need to be with her.  I hope she can feel it.  I hope she needs me, too. "Not a fucking thing is going to stop us tonight, not unless the god damn ceiling crashes in on us am I gonna let anything interrupt us tonight.  As long as you want me, I’ll be right here…”

 

She stares at me for a long, long time and then suddenly she starts to smile. Her eyes rise and look upward and her face turns and looks up at the ceiling.  I follow her gaze and realize what I just said about the ceiling. She's eyeing it cautiously, but laughing softly.

 

I fucking love her.

 

I really think I do.  I haven’t even had sex with this woman, only kissed her a handful of times, and I fucking love her.

 

I decide to start this.  No, I have to start this.  I pull myself up even closer to her, legs still spread, but her body in between mine.  I run my fingers through her hair a little bit and she looks down at me with lazy eyes and tilts her head into my palm. I stare right at her.

 

This...this is going to be so damn good.  I'm going to make it last and I'm going to make her feel better than...than I've ever made anyone feel before.  I’m going to touch her and kiss her everywhere she’ll let me.  And if she lets me fuck her, god damn…

 

I’m not going to stop.  I’m not going to fucking stop thrusting in her until she begs me, until she has to have me exploding inside her. 

 

I’ve spent way, way too long needing her.  I have to have her.

 

"Jess..."  I say and she opens her eyes a little. All she does is smile at me, that’s all it takes.  I lean in, I kiss her and grip her thigh and hold her head against mine.  I kiss her and kiss her until we both can’t breathe and then I pull back only for a moment, taking in her ragged breaths, tilting my head and going back in to kiss her more. I suck at her lips and taste her tongue. I bite at her and she nips back at me and smiles, fucking smiles when she does it.

 

And I don’t stop kissing her.  I can't. 

 

It’s over now.  It’s all done.  All the build up and drama.  All the need and the ache.  It’s all about to be over.

 

I completely and totally give in.

Finally

 

I sit here on the bench and lean into him.  I let him kiss me and I try to keep up.  It’s slow, but teasing, and we’re both smiling, both using our mouths and nothing else, both unable to do anything more with each other yet, but just smile and kiss. His hand is on my thigh and I want to grab it and put it in between my legs, but I’m letting him pace this, I’m letting him guide me this time.  Last time I was the one grabbing at him, lying on top of him, kissing him.  And things messed up.  This time it's his show and I fucking love it.

 

He tastes so god damn good and his lips are full and swollen now, reddened a little, and his eyes are deep, dark, and lazy, only staring at me.  I could die right now and be happy.

 

And we’re in a fucking Foot Locker and I’m seriously kind of terrified the ceiling might fall in.  We can’t be interrupted.  We just can’t.  I take it back, I can’t die right now.  I can after we have sex.  It's got to happen.  It just has to.

 

This…this fucking has to happen or I might seriously just go insane.  My body and my mind and my heart have all been through too much of a roller coaster ride the past two weeks with this man.  I can’t DO this again.  I can’t.  This has to happen tonight.  Something GOOD has to happen tonight for us.  There's been too much ridiculous drama between us, too much insecurity and waiting around.  God if only I had known he wanted me, too.  Maybe I wouldn't have waited so long.

I guess I have to say everything happens for a reason. Maybe there's a reason I tortured myself for months without him.  I guess it's all worth it if I get to have him now.

 

Shit I fucking want him, now.  God I’ve never had anyone kiss me like this, not even him.  It’s perfect. He doesn’t say a word and he doesn’t have to.  He just uses his mouth to tell me and show me with swipes of his tongue and tugs of his teeth, presses of his lips against mine, in between mine….he shows me that he wants me, too.

 

He wants me, too! 

I try not to giggle and look like a moron.  But it's hard, especially when he's looking as gorgeous as he is.  I never thought a guy this good looking would like me. 

 

It’s like, it’s past the point of 'oh my god, you’re so hot I wanna fuck you'.  It’s now, shit, when I see him it’s like I need him.  I need to be beside him, around him.   I need him to be mine. I need to kiss him and touch him, not because he’s hot, but because he’s perfect.  Perfect for me.  He’s a dream.

 

Flawed and maybe a little dense sometimes, like I really don’t know why he had me come here tonight, but I love it all the same.  And if this is where it has to be, on a dirty, polished wooden bench, with the smell of new sneakers and a poster of Lebron James staring at me, then I don’t care.

 

I don’t care where it is, as long as he’s here with me.  It's been so long, not just for me sexually, but I feel like it's been so long since I've been with him.  It's only been a few days, right?  Actually a few hours.  But God do I need him, and I need him fully, not just a heavy make out session on a lumpy guest bed.  I need him inside me.

 

Shit, his thumb moves.  His fingers grip my jeans a little more and his thumb is moving back and forth slightly on the inside of my thigh.  Higher, Justin…fucking, go higher….

 

I’d tell him, but he’s so quiet, just the soft sounds of our breaths and our mouths moving, that’s all.

 

He slightly goes higher.  I guess I don’t even have to ask. 

 

“Fuck Jess…” He sighs and he moves his hand deep in between.  What is he doing?  His hand goes under my thigh, against the denim and pulls up, pulling my leg over the bench so that I’m facing him now, straddling the bench and mirroring his position.  Both his hands are on my thighs, rubbing up and down now and moving to my waist, holding me there and pulling himself closer.  His lips keep kissing mine over and over and I hold onto his tank top and run my fingers up against his strong neck.  My purse falls to the floor, off of my lap.   Shit, his body feels good, so solid and warm.

 

And we haven’t even done anything.  We’re just sitting here…kissing.

I bet he's solid and warm in his pants.  I contain the urge to smile.  I need to touch him.
 
Suddenly I have the need to ask, to make sure that this is going where I think, that this isn’t going to just stop after a few minutes of heavy kissing.  I rip away from his lips and hold his face and sigh his name, “Justin…”

 

His eyes open, he grins slightly, and I rush out, “Please tell me we’re goin-”

 

He cuts me off and says firmly, “Yes…” and kisses me hard, fucking my mouth with his tongue, gripping my upper thigh, his thumb so….so close.  He pulls back softly, a contrast from the harshness he started with. He closes his eyes for a moment and smiles, breathing out deeply against my face. 

“Yes we’re going to.  Right here.”  He dips in again and this time moves to my neck, kissing me there lightly, rubbing his lips against my skin.  His hand still grips my thigh, but his other moves up under my shirt a little, touching the skin of my waist.

 

His fingers on my skin make me moan, “Fuck…”

 

“You like that?” He whispers against my neck and moves down, nuzzling against the fabric on my shoulder.  His hand surges behind me, running up the skin of my back, then up over the back of my bra, leaning me over a little so he can lean into me.  “You want me right here on a god damn bench, Jessica?”

 

He's a second from my lips and he’s smirking.  Here’s the cocky Justin that comes and flirts with me.  Here’s the man that makes me pant and sweat and fucking want to get off every night.  And every time I get myself off it's not good enough.

 

But this, this is good enough and I just want more and more and more until I’m stuffed and senseless. “I want you everywhere,” I whisper.

 

His hand is still on my thigh, but his other one moves around from my upper back and runs over the front of my chest, fingertips brushing against my bra and over my breasts, under my shirt. “Here?”

 

“Yes….”  I pant.

 

“Here?” In a second his hand drops from my shirt and his fingers….oh god, his fingers are there, against the denim, rubbing slightly in between against the zipper and down at the seam.  I wanna close my legs and trap his hand there, but my legs are forced apart by the bench.  His hand on my thigh grips me and I moan out.

 

“Please…”  I look at his face.  I feel like I’m on fire and my body aches, it fucking hurts how much I want him.  I lean forward and hold his face and kiss him.  I pull back and whisper, “Now. Please. I don’t wanna wait.”

 

“Shhh…”  He pulls his hands away and I find myself whining, clutching him, moving my hips against the bench needing something….anything.  He kisses me lightly, his hands framing my face.  He pulls back and smiles, rubbing his nose against mine for a moment before running his hand against my head and saying right at me, “I’ve wanted you for a fucking half of a year, Jess.  I’m not just gonna fuck you on the bench and be done with it in a few minutes.  I’m taking my time, girl.  I’m making this shit last.  I want to make you feel so, so good…”

 

I feel myself flood against my panties. I can feel it cool and slick. His hands move from my face to down over my breasts, fingertips skimming over them, and then palms holding them up for a moment as he smiles.  Then his hands drop to the bottom of my shirt.  He tugs up, I raise my arms, and it comes off easily. 

 

He bites his lip a little and stares at my body.  Yeah, so I might have had some hopes and put on the laciest white bra I owned.  I almost put on the same one I wore Friday night. I even got out of the door and was smiling to myself about what would happen tonight, thinking back on Friday night, hoping for more that just a topless make out session.  God, I'm greedy.  And that's when I remembered him saying something about how sexy my bra was that night and I realized I had on the same one.  I couldn't do that!  I had to change it up.  So I ran back inside, dumped my drawer with all my bras in it on the floor and scavenged around until I found this one, lacy and white, and barely covering my nipples.  I figured he'd like it.

And he seems to really like it.  He keeps staring, licking and biting his lips, eyes glued to my chest.  I smile, loving the way he looks at me like that, like...like he really does want me.  He's seen me like this before, but the amazement is still in his face and eyes, and it makes me want to latch my arms around his neck and tell him I love him.

But...but no, I can't do that.  No...not yet.

I move my hands to the hem of his shirt.  I tug up and his long, muscular arms rise over his head.  I toss the white tank to the floor on top of my grey shirt.  We’re back again like we were that Friday night.  Topless and horny, out of breath and smiling.

 

But nothing’s stopping us this time.  Nothing. Ceilings crashing in be damned.  If it didn’t knock me out, I’d still be grabbing onto him, kissing him. 

 

I run my fingers over his shoulders and chest, a need to just touch him and have his skin under my hand.  I look down and can see him hard and strangled even in the loose fabric of his black pants.  I bite my lip and reach to touch him.

 

But instead I gasp and end up grasping his thigh, because I feel his fingers reach into the front of my jeans, his hand grabbing the top of the waist and tugging them closer, sliding me closer.  He licks his lips at me for a moment, smirks and then kisses my mouth while I feel his hands working on me down there, unbuttoning, unzipping, intentionally brushing and touching and pressing and turning me on.

 

My jeans are tight and when he tries to stick his hand inside of them it’s difficult.  I groan and whine and moan against his mouth and he pulls back laughing just a bit.  Fuck, his laugh is pure sex to me.  “Stay put.”

 

He stumbles off the bench for a moment and I close my eyes and try to breathe, try to calm myself down.  But when he sits right behind me, his body pressed against mine, lips by my ear, bare chest against my bare back, his lap pressed into my ass, I lose all control. 

 

His hands run over my shoulders, pushing down the straps, rubbing over my body, rubbing over to my back, undoing the bra.  His hands move in front, pulling the material from me and immediately cover my breasts.  His hands are warm and feel good in the cool air of the room.  He cups them appreciatively, not too eager or rough, holding them and squeezing them delicately, palming my nipples just slightly, as his mouth runs against my bare shoulder.

 

He licks me and kisses all against my neck up against my jaw, light and seductive, his hands against my chest and now…oh god now…moving down and down, flattening over my belly.  I tilt my head back.  He’s…he’s gonna touch me…oh god…and he’s not gonna do it over my panties.

"Friday, you asked me to do something for you, but we got too crazy and I was unable."  His voice is light and teasing and he presses his lips against my ear, whispering, "Will you let me now?"

 

“Oh my god, I want you so bad.”  I moan eagerly, completely losing my cool when his hand surges down and touches my slippery skin.  His hand is stuffed down the front of my jeans, wiggling a little, trying to fit his large, long fingers down in between the material and my wetness.  Soon he finds a comfortable space, the only space, with his palm against my clit and his fingers rubbing and probing the wetness…stroking me there slowly, softly, fingertips against and in between the folds, but not going in. 

 

I can feel him smiling against my skin and he bites my shoulder just slightly.  His crotch is pressed hard into my ass and his one hand that was still on my breast moves down and pulls my thighs apart so that I fall back against him a little, my legs spread wide and my back and shoulders leaning against his chest.  I tilt my head to the side and just stare at him.  I stare into his eyes and he stares back into mine as his fingers explore me.

 

God, they feel…they’re like matches setting my body on fire, every light stroke is a strike against the matchbox.  But his fingers aren't rough.  No, no it's so smooth down there and now they’re wet, spreading it all around, pulling up a little to rub his wet fingertips against my clit.  I moan and push back into him, closing my eyes and tilting my head into his neck, pushing my hips against his hand. 

 

“Does this feel good?” He whispers to me and I nod, eyes still closed, loving how he feels, unable to say anything ‘cause my lip is in between my teeth and I'm concentrating on how he feels touching me.  God, it’s better than I could imagine.  His hands are meant to be on me. He’s meant to touch me like this, to fucking play me like an instrument and elicit little moans and noises out from me.  I can’t stand it and I reach up and grab the back of his head, the hair there just short enough to where I can’t grasp it in my fingers.  I pull him against me and kiss him hard and he moans just softly, not a shocked or eager moan, but a soft, contented one, like when someone rubs a sore shoulder for a moment. 

 

He pulls back after a while, fingers stroking me smoothly, palm pressing and rotating, just staring at me as he does it.  I gasp lightly.

 

His lips flick and rub against mine, open mouths against each other.  He smiles a little and tugs on my bottom lip with his teeth, before pulling away and leaning in to whisper in my ear, his rough stubble against my cheek, “May I…”

 

“Yes…”  I say and it's demanding and rushed.

It happens. I start to feel him putting pressure against my opening. 

He slides one long finger all the way in and I hiss out, “Yes...” 

My mouth opens when he immediately pulls out and pushes in two.

 

Oh fuck…

 

His hand feels like heaven.  It’s weird how I’ve wished and dreamed and fantasized about this and it’s…it’s too good, it’s better.  I can’t really even believe I’m here doing this with him, feeling these things with him.  And to think all those months ago I just thought he was a flirt. I didn’t think he gave a damn about me.  And here he is…shit, with his palm against my clit and his fingers stroking up and down inside of me, in and out and over again.  He curls them inside of me and twists them, feeling me out and making me moan and jerk.  I arch into him, pressing my breasts out, and when I look over at him, he’s looking down at me, at my body, at my breasts and nipples that are hard.

He moves his hand from my thigh up over my stomach, rubbing my breasts in turn appreciatively, pulling at my nipples just slightly, not harsh, but just enough to make me hump against his hand.

 

And I can feel him against my ass, hard and thick. I can hear him breathing, quiet, not saying a word, but working out my moans and sighs with his hands. 

 

It starts to build quickly, quicker than it ever has before.  And I grind my body down against his hand and breathe out, “yes.” It hasn’t taken long and I realize how much I really have been craving this, craving him and his hand working me out so well.  It was different before.  At Liz and Rich's, it was insane and wild and we were both a little drunk, ok, a lot drunk really. We were out of control and my mind was cloudy.  Now it's all clear, but I still feel out of control while he's completely in control. 

 

I like this.  I like the thought of this not ending.  Of a week from now, a month from now...hell, a year from now, having him do this to me...but me naked on the couch or the bed of his place, both of us naked and jerking, pulling and pushing each other into orgasm.  And then right before it happens, he'd tell me to stop and he'd pull his hands away and he'd enter me and fuck me silly.

I push my hands into his thighs to give myself some leverage as I work my body against his fingers, fucking them with quick thrusts of my hips.  It's what I think about now, him entering me.  I pretend his fingers are his dick and I start to feel it coming. Fast.  Shit, so fucking fast. 

 

“You wanna come?”  It’s said low and breathy against my ear. I nod and whine and lift my hips up, beating them against his hand.  Fucking shit he’s perfect.  He wraps his other arm and hand that was on my breasts around my middle and holds me steady as I try to hold on.

 

I do.  But his hand is working insane on me; furious, wild, doing things I’ve never had a man do to me. Things I’ve never done to myself, twisting and curling and being rough, but not too much, just enough, smacking my clit with his palm, while fucking me with his fingers.  I bite my lip and close my eyes. I can’t believe it. He’s…he’s really gonna do it.

 

This man, my Justin, is gonna fucking make me cum.  That thought gets me there fast and pushes me straight to the edge. 

 

I sigh his name and he holds me tighter, groaning into my ear, “Come on Jess...” He’s encouraging me with his words, his breath against my neck and face, his hand in my jeans and his lap pressed so tightly against my ass.

 

Suddenly, like a snap, I'm fucking there.  I can’t control it. I squeal and pant and rock my hips against his hand, feeling every smooth movement of his fingers. I feel the pressure of his hand, his lips against my neck, rocking me and rocking me into my orgasm as I jerk over and over and then slow down, jerking violently just once, again but this time softly, grinding my hips down against his wet and cramped hand.  

I collapse back against him. 

 

His fingers are trapped for a moment and he slips them out slowly, making me moan at the absence. I can tell when he pulls out that my body more than liked that, as I'm sucking against him, trying not to let his hand leave me.  He wraps both his arms around me and leans in with his head, trying to kiss me. I feel light and tingly and weak, yet it’s still there.  I still need him. 

 

I need my man.  God, I hope he’s my man.  I smile against his mouth and he pulls back from the kiss with a slight grin.  I sigh and he rubs his nose against mine for the second time tonight.  It's a soft, sweet gesture and I have to wonder if that's something he normally does with girls, or just with me.  He whispers, “Like that?”

 

I groan and nod and twist my body against him, him still holding me, me attacking his mouth with mine.

 

It becomes chaos for a moment. Grabbing and rubbing, him still behind me, me twisted in front of him, sucking against his mouth, grabbing his face and shoulders, trying to pull him into me.  He pulls back a little and laughs quietly, “Hold on…”

 

He tugs on me a little, his hands pulling up on my hips. I stand up off the bench, wobbling a little as the aftershocks of my orgasm ripple lightly through me, making my legs feel numb.  He turns and sits on the bench instead of straddling it, facing me, staring up at me.  His hand wanders up to my breasts and then back down to my hips.  He smiles at me.  “Let’s get these jeans off.” 

 

I smile at him and put my hands over his and help him push down.  I kick off the flip flops I had on and pull my jeans from my ankles, standing in front of him in nothing but a black thong.  Holy shit.  I almost want to laugh.  Here I am, in this fucking store with him and I’m almost naked.  And it’s not weird.  I glance up towards the front windows and thank him silently that there are huge coverings over the glass.

 

I look back at him and his eyes are scanning my body. His lips are tugged into a smile, tongue coming out to wet his lips, hands rubbing up and down his own thighs.  I can still see it there, hard and pressing, waiting for a release.  “There…"  He whispers and smiles and just looks at my panties.  I wonder if he can see the wetness from where he is sitting. 

 

Well if he can, it's his fault. 

 

And I want to punish him like he just punished me, getting me all off, but not with his dick.  I smirk, I feel sexy and powerful staring down at him, having him look up at me with those blue eyes.  He wants me, I can taste it and see it in the air between us.  He’s made me feel this way, this in control yet completely not, so sexy yet so eager.  His dick is straining hard against his pants.  He wants it so bad, too.  He wants to come so, so bad.

I intend to give him his release.  He just worked me out well; fast, hard, swift, coaxing my body into orgasm with such ease.

 

And I'm doing the same for him. 

 

I smile and lower down onto my knees.  I push my hands against his legs and separate them wide. 

“What…what are you…?”

 

I’m not one of those girls that sit up at night fantasizing about giving head.  But with him, it’s different.  I want to see him moan.  I want to feel his hands in my hair.  I want to get him there and make him cum.  I want to make him lose it too, and I want to do it easy and skillfully just like he worked me out moments before.  I wanna see and hear what he does when he orgasms.  I need to know.

 

I run my hands up his thighs and watch as he grips the bench on either side of his hips as my hand massages his length in his pants.  I waste no time and I undo his belt, button, and zipper.  “Let me…” I look up at him and whisper.

 

His mouth slowly opens and I stuff my hand inside and pull him out, over the top of his boxers, through the opened V of his pants. 

 

I blink and stare at it, long and smooth, the head red and glistening.  I smile. I knew he'd be big.  I just knew it.  I look up at him and bite my lip so I don't giggle.  God it’s gonna feel like heaven inside of me.  I smile at it and run my hands against it, leaning forward, listening to him suck in a breath.  I bet he tastes good; earthy, manly.  I bet he’ll even feel good in my mouth.  I’ve never even really desired to do this to a man, but leaning forward, seeing him stare and lick at his lips, gripping the bench, just waiting on me, slightly mesmerized by me...  It makes me get there again, it turns me on and makes my already soaked panties on fire.

 

I lick my lips and close in on the tip, “God I’ve been wanting to do this so long…”

 

I open my mouth and take him in me, moaning as his smooth, hard length is sucked in between my lips.  His hands fall against my head, fingers weaving in the strands.  I close my eyes and smile when I hear him say soft, quiet, “Sh-shit…”

 

I go down as far as I can, but he's long, and I can only get a little more than half way.  God this is amazingly hot.  And when I look up he’s just staring at me, licking his lips.  I've only done this with one other guy, but I want to do everything with him.  I want him all over me.  I hear him groan and his fingers press tighter against my head as I suck him hard and pull back with a slight pop.

 

“That ok?” I whisper, blowing on the head just a little, watching him twitch when I go back in to flick my tongue against it.

 

“Yeah…” He drags out, slightly out of breath.  I smile and kiss along his shaft, holding it in my hand before I go back and take him completely in my mouth, lightly bobbing against him, sucking lightly, swirling my tongue around him.  He groans and laughs a little, his one hand running through my hair and holding onto the back of my head, holding me against him.  “Just...just like that…” 

 

I speed up and he makes a groan that’s deep from his throat.  “Shit, yes...”  I start to go faster, getting motivated by his noises and the feel of his hand on my head.  I don’t wanna waste any time.  I wanna see him come.  I want to make him do it, too, fast…hard.  I want to make him lose all that control he just had over me.  He’s spread his legs wide now and is slouching just a bit.  

 

“I…”  He groans and then I feel him pushing at my shoulder and head a little, making me pull off of him.  I look up at him when his cock falls from my mouth as he breathes hard and stares at me.  Did...wait, what did I do wrong?  I stare at him, panicked for a moment while he catches his breath and gulps.  He meets my gaze and shakes his head,  “I don’t wanna come in your mouth…” 

 

He stands up in front of me immediately, dick still hanging out.  There’s a concerned look on his face.  Did…did I do something wrong?  He seemed to be enjoying it.  What's...what's happened?  Don't tell me he's going to bail on me.  No, no, no...

 I stand up in front of him and open my mouth to say something, to plead to him, to beg him not to leave.  He can’t leave now.  But before I say anything, his pants and boxers are down at his ankles and he’s stepping out of them, just his little socked feet left covering him  He sits back down on the bench, staring up at me as he takes them off by hooking them off his heel.  I open my mouth to speak, but he's now finally, fully naked in front of me.  All of him, from his muscular top to his skinny legs. He's hard and wet, sticking out from his body, curving just slightly. 

I swallow the lump in my throat as he sits there and stares up at me, mouth wet from where he’s been licking his lips, cock twitching and standing up, ready for me.  Begging for me.  “What are you-”

 

His hands move to my hips and he rips down my underwear. 

Oh...

Oh I get it.  He doesn’t want to come inside my mouth.  He wants to come inside my...

I blink and kick my panties off to the side. Fucking shit, I feel like I might pass out.

I start to say his name, asking him why he's looking at me like that, so serious, “Just-“

 

I don’t have time to think or say or do anything.  He grabs my hips, pulls me down across his lap, making me straddle him.  I stare at him and he stares at me, blue eyes dead serious, but smiling, eager and excited.   I can feel him in between us, moving, his hand…oh god his hand…

 

I feel him pushing against me, the smooth head of his dick, its pressing just lightly against my opening.  I feel my body spread for him, ready for him to enter.  His hands hold onto my hips and he pushes me down, not saying a word, not giving me any notice, just making me swallow him up against him.

 

It... it...

 

Fucking shit...

Finally.

I can only say one thing, choking a little as I try to say it.

 

“God…”

 

I clutch onto him as the size of him impales me for a moment.  Oh god, he's big.  I can feel him stretching me, completing me, filling me out.  Oh fuck, it's perfect.  It's...It's better than anything.  Oh my god.

Oh my god.

I'm...he's...he's in me!

I whimper and breathe and hold onto him, trying not to squeal or freak out on him, but my mind is freaking out.  We're...we're there.  All he has to do is thrust and we're fucking.  Oh my god.  All this time, all the stress and the worry, and the pent up frustration leaves me and I'm left feeling empty and craving.

Craving him to fuck me to pieces.

I press my lips against his shoulder and force my eyes to blink.  Holy fucking…

 

He sighs into my ear heavily, “Sweet fucking Jesus.”

 

I just sit there, trying to get use to his body in mine.  But it’s weird.  I sit there and he holds me, his lips against my neck and shoulder and it’s like I already am use to him. I was before he entered me.  It’s sexy yes, I’m fucking ready to fuck this man to death yes…but right now, in this moment, just sitting here with him, feeling all of him… it’s perfect, calm, and easy.

 

“This feels…”

 

He pulls back for a minute, his arms still around me and he smiles saying, “Shh...” and then he kisses me.  It’s slow and sexy, his tongue lingering against mine.  He pulls back and presses his forehead against me.

 

Then he starts to laugh. 

 

I don't know why, but I can feel it in me…rippling inside, dick moving a little with each deep chuckle. 

 

I whine at the feeling, “Oh, don’t laugh.”

 

He pulls me in tighter and keeps laughing, “I’m sorry, I just realized my bare ass is on this nasty bench.”

 

I smile and kiss his neck softly, “You wanna move?”

 

“Never,” he says breathlessly, quickly.  He pulls me close and I can feel him deep, deep inside me and I relax completely on him, ignoring how uncomfortable my knees feel pressing into the hard bench.   “Fuck Jessica, I’ve been wanting this since the moment I saw you.  I've wanted to be inside of you so, so fucking bad.  I’ve been dying without this.  I’ve needed to fuck you.”

 

I pull back a little and look at him.  He looks so serious, mouth slightly opened, eyes deep and concerned, staring into mine.  I smile.  It’s time.  It’s been fucking time for a fucking half year.

 

I need him.  I shake my head and smile at him, “Well then fuck me, Justin.”

 

It’s all I have to say and his lips are against mine, his hands on my hips. He’s pulling me up just to push me down again.  Fuck, fuck, fuck!  It’s…god dammit!  Feeling him go out of me and then slide back in…shit.  When he first pulled me down on his dick, I really couldn’t feel anything more than shock.  But now…god…

He’s pushing and pulling as my body seems to want to go with him when he moves.  My body is sucking against him, not wanting to let him go.  Oh please don't let me go.

 

He holds my hips steady and thrusts up into me not slowly, but softly, not fucking me hard, but just right, looking up at me with a smirk.  I hold onto him and feel one of his hands run up the length of my back and back down, grabbing hold of my ass.

 

“Yes…”  He growls and thrusts up into me harder.  Over and over. "Yes Jessica," he hisses into my ear, making me flood around him and let out deep moans, moans I was unaware I was able to make.  Oh god, don't ever stop, oh shit...

He stops.

 

What! No....no!

I stare at him and gulp and shake my head as the ringing echoes in my ears. “No! No!” 

 

He sighs and closes his eyes.  I shake my head and watch him turn and stare over at the register where the phone is ringing.  The fucking phone is ringing! “Let it ring.  It’s not…”  I feel him shift.  The phone keeps ringing and I call out to him as I just know this is it.  This is over.  I can’t…I can’t handle it!  This isn’t fucking fair!  It’s not!  I need him.  I don’t care who’s on the fucking phone!  “Justin, please don't.”

 

“Hold onto me, Jess.”  He kisses me quickly and I feel his hands on my ass as he stands up, never once leaving my body.  He stumbles over our clothes a little, but he doesn’t move from being deep inside of me.  And I clutch onto him, shocked at what’s happening.  He’s carrying me across the room, saying softly, “Just hold the fuck on,” into my ear.

 

I hold on.  I hold on for dear life.  I’m not letting go of him, I don’t care who’s on the phone.  I don’t care where he’s taking me.  He’s inside of me now, and he’s never leaving.  I can’t let him leave now.  Now after it’s happened, now after he's actually in me, fucking me.  We're doing this today. We've already started and we can’t stop.  We just can’t! Shit, I need him, not just sexually craving someone so bad, but I need him.  Him.

It's...it's so much more than a crush and an attraction now.  It's more than wanting to fuck him everyway.

I want to be with him everyday.

Holding onto him, my face buried into his shoulder, confused about what’s happening and what he's doing, it happens.  I fall.  I fall deep and deadly in love with him.

And it’s changing everything.  Now I don’t care who’s on the phone, just as long as he doesn’t leave me.  As long as I can stay right here, wrapped around him, completely around him.

 

Ring…

 

The phone rings and rings as I try my best not to fall, holding onto her, holding onto me.  I’m not stopping.  I’m not fucking stopping. 

 

We’re there, doing this, and some fucking idiot calls.  This is stupid.  This whole thing!  I should have taken her out, taken her home instead of making the moves on her here in the god damn store.

 

Her lips kiss my neck lightly and I hear her ask, “What are you doing?”

 

Ring…

 

I don’t even know.  I’m fucking insane, insane with her sucking all around my cock, her little body wrapped around mine like I’ve fantasized all those times.  I blink as I step around the register counter and sigh.  I look at her for a moment and then stare at the phone.

 

Fuck the phone.

 

Ring…

 

I turn and set her naked body down the counter by one of the registers.  The computers are still on, monitors off, the scanner blinking a red line against her thigh.  Her body looks dark and sexy, covered in shadows in the dim light and I just stare at her and force myself to suck in a breath.

 

Ring…

 

I pull out of her and I see her face contort.  She whines and reaches out for me.  But I don’t let her grab me.  I can’t.  I just can’t do this right now.  I can’t deal with this.

 

I turn, grab the phone and tug up on it harshly, making the cord rip out of it.

 

It stops ringing and I drop it from my hands, letting it clatter to the floor, smashing into it with a long clanging thud.  I probably just broke it.  Yeah, well I don’t give a fucking shit.  I take another much-needed breath, trying to calm myself down. 

 

The store is suddenly cold and my body is covered in chills.  I turn and stare at her.

 

She’s fucking amazing.  Beautiful.  Just sitting there staring at me, breathing hard. Completely naked.

 

I take in a deep breath and let it out saying, “No interruptions.”

 

“You just ripped the phone out of the counter,” she says in a shocked voice, staring at me and not blinking.

 

All I can do is nod and stare at her body, her little hard nipples.  I even like how she has her hair down there.  It’s trimmed down, still there, but tidy, neat and her skin is so, so fucking smooth.  I thought, as embarrassing as this is, I thought I might lose it there on the bench when I was pushing myself into her ass and fucking her with my fingers.  She was so into it, wiggling her little body in front of me, grinding against my hand.  Shit, I almost got off right there.

 

“Yeah.”  I swallow hard and step closer to her, moving my eyes to her face.  “I did.”

 

Her eyes are wide and she bites on her full bottom lip just for a moment before saying quietly, “It kind of turned me on.”

 

I lean into her and put my hands on her bare, smooth legs, parting them, smoothing my hands over her skin up to her hips so I can pull her closer to the edge.  I lean into kiss her, but pull back teasingly before I do and raise an eyebrow, “You’re not turned on already?”

 

She sighs and I feel her hand on my dick, pulling it towards her.  She says my name softly, “Justin…”  And it’s over.  For both of us. I can’t fucking handle it anymore and neither can she.  It’s been too long.

 

I grab her hand that’s over my cock and push towards her, helping her press it against her little pussy.  It’s little, too.  Like, when I pulled her down on me, I kind of blanked out for a second.  I had to slow myself down because I didn’t know if she was really ready for it.  She’s got a tight little body and it feels….it feels so good and warm and silky around mine.  But it’s still pretty fucking tight.

 

She pulls her hands back, and places them on my arms.  I slowly push in, moaning when her head nudges mine and her lips clamp against my mouth.  I kiss her furiously as I bury myself all the way inside her, slowly this time, pushing in so I can feel every fucking inch of her.  And she can fuck every inch of me.

 

Oh god.  It’s just…It’s just too god damn good.  It’s like all that time I spent fantasizing about her I’d be all arrogant and think of her in different ways and positions, but now, here…actually doing this shit with her it’s like… I don’t know.  I feel like I’m a virgin or something again, unsure and a little scared, eager as hell.

 

But I’m not a virgin and I wanna make her feel good and I wanna come deep, deep inside her little body.  And I think she wants it, too.

 

Her arms and legs wrap around me like a child, but she is not a child.  No, hell no.  She’s all woman right now.  My woman.  At least I hope.  I hope having sex with her on the damn counter is enough to make her my woman.  I sigh against her hair. Her head’s against my shoulder and I pull back my hips, sliding out of her, feeling every fucking inch of her warm, slick body.  I pull out almost all the way and push in swiftly, hearing her moan in response, feeling her fingertips dig into my biceps just a little.

 

I smile against her and say, “I never thought I’d do this with a girl in my store.” I laugh a little and she pulls back and is smiling at me.  She runs her hand over my head down against my neck, and I don’t know why but I fall in love with her even more in that moment.  Here we are fucking in my god damn store, and she’s looking at me like I’m this special guy to her.  I hope I am.  I hope this means the same for her as it does for me. 

 

I smile and kiss her briefly, saying against her mouth, “I never thought I’d get the chance to do this with you.”

 

She groans and I feel her hips start grinding with mine, her pulling back when I do and then pushing forward when I do, making us go harder and deeper.  Fuckin’ hell…. 

 

Her voice is sexy, low, and calm when she says, “Ya know when you helped me buy those shoes the other week? I fantasized about you fucking me on a bench and on this counter.  I’ve fantasized about you…”  I push into her and rotate my hips a little, holding her thigh up over my waist.  I kiss against her neck and suck there just lightly, liking how she has to stop her sentence and whisper, “shit…” before she groans, “everywhere, everyway.”

 

“You feel like heaven…” I say, kissing up against her chin and face to her mouth.  She does.  She feels like I think heaven would, soft and sweet, perfect.  Like nothing better in the world.  I don’t think I could ever find another woman to feel as good as she.  I tilt my open mouth against hers, licking her tongue and teeth, rubbing her tongue with mine softly. I pull back for a moment to speak, smiling at her as my hips move in and out of her slowly, “Shit girl, you taste like candy.”

 

I lean back in to kiss her, but she pulls back before I can, “Like Reese’s?”

 

I groan and speed up my thrusts for a moment, making her gasp.  “Better,” I growl out, concentrating on how her shit feels sucking on mine.  I get into it for a moment, moaning and closing my eyes, holding her hip in one hand and her thigh in the other.  “Fuckin’ so much better Jess.”

 

“Oh god…”  She moans in a loud voice, holding onto my shoulders as I keep thrusting into her.  She’s not moving now, just holding on and feeling.  “This…this feels so good…” 

I nod at her and catch her eyes and just stare into them. Such dark, deep, wide brown eyes.  God she’s fucking insane, fucking beautiful, fucking me.  She laughs a little and dips down her head in embarrassment, holding onto me around my shoulders, her head resting against me there, lips pressing into my neck and saying, “I’ve never really talked during sex before...” 

 

She pauses to gasp as I keep thrusting and thrusting, not fast, but not slow; steady, firm, not soft or hard either, but there, sliding in and out to a pace that she seems to like.  “Is that weird?”

 

“No…”  I say and turn to kiss her ear.  “Not at all.”  I push all the way in and stop for a moment. She groans and I grit my teeth.  Shit, fucking shit.  It just…it feels better than I could ever explain.  “We are really doing this, right?  This isn’t just like the most vivid dream I’ve ever had ‘cause that would be so….” I sigh and press my forehead against hers, loving when I’m this close to her.  I…I could learn to get use to this, ya know?  Being naked with her.  I could learn to love this.  “…so cruel.”

 

“It’s…”  She stops and she pulls back a little.  I feel her hand reach for mine and she takes it from my hip and carries it in hers, moving it in between us.  I look down and I can see us connected.  She makes me touch…us.  Shit. “This is real…” she whispers.

 

Her hand leaves mine and I touch her lightly, brushing my fingers against her clit and folds.  I can feel myself in her, spreading her out.  I pull out just a little, and find myself out of breath at being able to feel myself slide out of her.  “Fuck me…”

 

I keep looking down at our bodies, watching me pull out of her and push back in.  It’s…it’s the most erotic thing I’ve ever seen and it makes me feel like I could lose it right now.  I can’t even say anything.  I just open my mouth and try to breathe, try to watch us, to watch and feel us.  Her lips are against my neck, kissing, sucking, smiling at my skin there.  I keep moving in and out, slow, watching it as I spread her open. 

 

Her mouth travels up to my ear and she moans, “More…”

 

I want to see all of her.  I want her to be completely pried open for me so I can go so deep inside of her.  I want to go all the way.  I pull up a little and pull at her legs that are around me.  I pat the counter. “Put your feet here…” 

 

She does what I ask and I slip out of her just a little, only the head of my dick staying in her.  I look at her and she’s sitting up with her legs bent, hiked up high, her heels pressing into the edge of the counter.  “Is that ok?”

 

“Yes…” She nods and I slip back in all the way.

 

She grabs a hold of me and sounds like she had someone scare her, or knock her breath out when she says harshly, “Oh god…”

 

Holy fuck….I’m…I can feel myself all the way in, her sucking me all the way up in her, tight and hot, smoldering now.  I smile at her and lean in to kiss her cheek, “That’s the spot, huh?”

 

“Don’t stop,” she begs.  And I don’t.  I start thrusting in her.  Feeling her tighten around me, sucking me into her.  I can’t help it and I find myself lost in her, completely and utterly lost.  I never want to be found.  I just want to be with her, be in her.

 

I’ve spent too much time wanting this girl, too many lonely nights, too much time jacking off and being frustrated, but it’s been worth it.  Oh god has it been worth it to be here now.  I thrust hard and fast and her feet fall off the edge.  I fix the problem by moving my arms under her knees and pinning them back against her chest, holding her around her torso, my hands on her back.  Her legs are over my upper arms, knees bent at the crook in my arms, and when I look into her face, it’s scrunched up, her mouth open, almost as if she’s in pain.

 

But I know she’s not. I know she’s not ‘cause she hasn’t told me to stop, and she’s holding onto me and trying to move her hips with mine.

 

“Shit girl…”  I grit out near her face as I strain my legs with each thrust.

 

“Oh fuck Justin…”  She cries out, clutching to me and burying her head against my neck.  I can hear her whimpering and breathing.  It’s good for her, real good, and I keep fucking her, loving the fact that I’m making her feel that good.

 

Shit, she’s making me feel that good.  But I know I can’t come like this.  My legs already feel weak and I can feel her body collapsing against the counter.  No we need to lay down.  I need to be able to press down into her. 

 

I kiss her cheek roughly for a moment and pant out against her, “Hold onto me.”

 

I slip my arms from under her legs and pull at her firm little ass, holding her up against me. As I back from the counter, my dick falls out of her and she groans, “Where the hell are we going now?”  she says, half panicked, half amused.

 

“The floor.”  I say simply, and lower myself down on my knees and lay her in front of me on the rough carpet. 

 

I waste no time.  I kick the phone out of my way  and I lean over her, her legs hiked high against my body as I slip into her so easily, sliding all the way in up to the hilt.  I prop myself up against her, our bodies both sweaty now. She’s warm and her nipples are hard.  I bend my head down, still pressing all the way inside of her and I lick one of them, sucking it into my mouth, hoping she’ll like it.

 

“Ohhhh shiittt..”

 

Well I guess she likes it.

 

I smile against her skin and move to the other one, hearing my name on her lips.  Yeah, she likes it.  I suck the other one and pull out my dick only to push back in.

 

But it’s too much and my mouth falls open against her collar as I spat out, “Fuckin’ fuck...”  I feel myself unravel against her, my forearms flat against the rough carpet, rubbing them raw. I’m sure her back is getting burned, but I don’t care, and she doesn’t either, meeting me thrust for thrust, smacking her hips against mine violently, our bodies sliding together, so hot, so sweaty. 

 

I can hear her underneath me, whining and begging, saying, “please.”

 

And I keep on, giving her all I have, giving her my entire being.  I’m all hers, all fucking hers and I hope she knows it.  I’m not a sappy guy, I don’t like romantic comedies and I rarely cry, but fucking her right now, having her grab at me like she needs me, like she has to have me, like I’m everything in the world to her, being inside of her and having her all around me, arms, legs, body, all around me…

 

It makes me fucking weak.  It makes me lose control and I pound and I pound until I forget who I am. I keep going and going, nothing can stop me.  I can’t stop.  I need to do this with her, to fuck her, have sex with her, make love with her, whatever the hell you want to call it.  I have to do this with her.

 

I feel my body convulse and I growl and thrust harder and harder, all the way inside, pumping into her body as her hands press and press and clutch into my back, nails biting into the skin.  She’s saying my name, and its high pitched and wanting.

 

 “Justin…”  She says loudly and then softens her voice and says my name again.  I fucking love hearing her say my name.  I can feel her body tighten around me, tighter and tighter until I feel like I might be sucked inside of her.  I wouldn’t mind.  Come on Jess, suck me up.  She stutters against my neck, “I…I…I’m gonna…”

 

I lick my lips and keep thrusting over her, in her. I can barely say, “me too,” as I feel her teeth bite against my shoulder and hear her scream echo through her mouth and into my skin, her body jerking and spasming all underneath me and all around my dick. 

 

It’s there.  It’s coming.  Shit, I can feel it, the ache in my balls swells and I feel it all the way in my toes, surging up over my body. I can barely groan out a deep, guttural, “Oh my god…” as I feel my dick release inside of her.  I groan and groan, thrusting and thrusting violently, spurting all I have up in her, cumming so fucking hard I feel my eyesight go white and come back to me spotty. 

 

My ears feel like they burst and they ring and ring, like that fucking god damn phone.  I thrust quickly and then stop only to jerk inside of her, all the way up, hearing her whimpering beneath me when I do.

 

I pant and pant.  And hang my head down, staring at her body that’s heaving against mine, breasts pressed against my chest, hips pinned beneath me.  I collapse down on top of her and blink, staring at the underneath of one of our cabinets under the back counter, my cheek pressed into her shoulder, liking how the smoothness of her skin feels against where I need to shave. I try to remember to breathe and soon feel my eyes lulled closed as her fingertips skim up and down my spine, up to my neck and back down.

 

She’s slick and sweaty and warm and her body is still wrapped around me and I can feel myself still twitching, losing it, calming down inside of her.

 

Holy fucking shit.

 

I let out a breath and open my eyes.  

 

I smile.

 

Finally…

 

Fucking finally.  All this shit is over.  Just like that. 

 

I smile to myself, though.  No, no it’s not over.  It’s no where near over.  Lying here, completely spent inside of her, I know that it’s not over.  I know now….now all those months of wanting each other, of teasing each other…that that was nothing compared to now.

 

Now I’ve had her.

 

Now I know for certain she’s the best fuck I’ll ever get.

 

And now I just want her more and more.

 

Again and again. 

 

Until I can’t walk anymore.

 

I smile and turn to kiss her shoulder.  She’s quiet, but her hands that are skimming up and down my back speak words.  They tell me she’s happy, they tell me she liked it.  “You ok?”

 

I pull back a little and her eyes are glassy, watery, and I wonder only for a second before I see her smile bright if I’ve done something wrong, “Yeah.”

 

I smile at her and she bites her lip at me.  I move my arm and I come in contact with a staple.  It pierces my thumb for a moment and I flick it off easily.  Then I realize what I’ve done. 

 

Oh, I’m a fucking moron.

 

I hang my head and shake it, “Shit, I’m so sorry, Jess.”

 

“What’s wrong?”  She asks. 

 

I sigh and look up at her. “I just fucked you on this disgusting floor.”

 

She smiles a little and then laughs quietly, “I don’t care.”  She pulls her arms around me and pulls me down against her.   I love the feel of her underneath me, tired, spent.  I can hear her heart beat as she whispers against me, “I really don’t care.”

 

“Really?”  I ask, a breath away from her. She smiles and then I smile.  We wind up kissing, slow and sloppy, for a long, long time.  I don’t know how long, but soon I’m out of breath and closing my eyes, leaning against her shoulder again, wishing we were on a bed so I could wrap her in my arms and pull her over on top of me and not be on this nasty floor.

 

I hear her sigh and then she says in a slightly amazed voice, “Oh my god, Justin…”

 

I turn my head and look at her and she’s looking at me with a wonderful little smile and bright eyes.  I know what she’s saying, what she’s thinking.  We finally did that.  I know that sounds ridiculous.  But it was ridiculous that we waited that long.

 

Finally!

 

“I know.”  I smile and kiss her.  “It’s crazy.”

 

I start to pull away, thinking she’s probably tired of being on the floor, but when I do, her arms pull me closer to her and she says eagerly, “Don’t leave yet.”

 

“Ok…”  I say and sigh out a breath against her, feeling her lips against my shoulder and neck.  “Ok.”

 

It’s quiet for several, several minutes and I close my eyes.  Shit I really wish we were in a bed right now. I could just go to sleep with her and feel so refreshed when I woke up.  And she would be right there by my side, all soft and warm.  She turns her head to me.  She looks perfect, her face flushed, eyes tired but bright, lips red and swollen from our kissing. 

 

Perfect.

 

“Did you have any more work you needed me to help you with tonight?”

 

I give her a silly grin, “Nope.”

 

She sighs and I feel her hand run through my hair.  “So we can go home?”

 

I prop myself up above her.  My bottom half feels like mush.  I really do feel like I just melted into the floor with her.  I smile down at her, “You wanna go home with me?”

 

“Yes.”  She bites her lip and then smiles, nodding at me. 

 

I stare at her and I feel myself get giddy inside.  I feel like a kid again.  It’s a weird feeling for me, one I haven’t felt in so, fucking, long.  I shake my head and keep staring at her. “I can’t fucking believe this.”

 

“What?”

 

I sigh and realize now, after everything that just happened, honesty is the only way for us. No more teasing or questioning or wondering.  I’m giving it to her straight, “I’m gonna sound like a fool, but I’ve been wanting you so long, not just this way, I mean, yeah this way, but…I’ve been obsessed with you,  with being with you, and coming to see you. It’s been eating me up inside.” She’s just staring at me and I take a breath and let out, “And I probably just freaked you out.”

 

“No…”  She smiles at me and nods, “it’s the same for me, I’m just glad the ceiling didn’t fall.”

 

I laugh a little and smile back.  She’s such a silly girl. 

 

My silly girl.

 

I realize we can’t just lay here on this grimy floor all night.  There’s a popcorn piece that’s been there for who knows how long under one of the cabinets and a pen and a couple pennies.  It’s filthy and kind of grossing me out and I need to get her off of this floor. 

 

“I’m gonna pull out.”  She nods and I slowly pull out of her, my dick soft and completely worn out.  I pull back from her and sit down on the dirty carpet, leaning up against the shelves with bags underneath the registers for a moment, trying to remember how my legs are supposed to feel.

 

She’s still lying before me. Her hand comes up and lies under her breast and she stares at the ceiling.  I stare at her and her naked body, smooth and creamy.  Curvy and sexy. From the tips of her nipples to the V in between her legs, to her toes to her head.  All of it.  I want to explore all of it.

 

Yeah, yeah I could get very, very use to seeing this all the time.

 

She blinks and her gaze moves to mine.  I smile at her lazily and reach over and grab her arm.  “Come here.”  She pushes herself up with a groan and I help pull her over beside me so she’s sitting next to me.  I pull my arms around her and she leans into me.  I kiss her head and rest my chin against her hair. Her hands hold onto my arm that’s across her front, as my hand on her back rubs her there, rubbing off pieces of lint and paper that have stuck to her.  Her back feels a little rough, as if the carpet has put its indentions onto it.  I run my hand over her soothingly, hoping that I didn’t hurt her too bad.  Her legs are bent and her body is curled up, leaning into me. 

 

“I’m hungry,” she says quietly.  As soon as she says it, my stomach grumbles in response.  She laughs and I feel my face burn.  I take my arm around her front and lay it against my abdomen and look at her.

 

She’s looking up at me with the widest smile and the happiest eyes.  I cringe a little, “I guess me too.”

 

She just laughs, a quiet, sexy giggle, and covers her hand with mine on my stomach.  She leans into me, her head against my shoulder.

 

I sigh.  After all this time, I’m here, spent and naked and starving, with her.  And I can’t think of a better place to be.  Her fingers interlock with mine and I say to her, “Why don’t I close up here and we’ll grab something to eat and go home?”

 

And I realize when I’m asking her to go home with me, I don’t just mean for tonight.  I mean for as long as she’s willing.  God, I hope she’s willing.

 

She stares up at me and smiles, blinks slowly for a moment and then says, “I’d like that.”

 

I fucking melt into the god damn dirty ass carpet.  I hope she’s answering what I’m asking.  I hope by coming home with me tonight that that means she’s my girl.  I hope she’ll stay with me tonight, and tomorrow night.

 

I hope she never leaves.

 

I might be a fucking pathetic loser now, all torn up over this girl.  But I just got her. I just got the girl I’ve been after for so, so fucking long.  I’ve gone way, way too long without my hot little Jess, and now that I’ve finally gotten her, I don’t know if I could ever let her go.

 

 

Brnnn...Brnnn...Brnnn

SMACK!

Fucking alarm. 

I pull my arm back closer to my body and sling it over my face.  Shit, it's too god damn early.  I feel warm and my bed is soft and perfect.  The jarring sound of the alarm made my heart jump and beat quickly.  I need to relax so I can doze. I breathe deep to relax myself a little bit.  

 

Only ten more minutes of sleep, that's all I need.

But when I breathe, I smell it.  I smell her; feminine and light, a sweet smell that I'm not used to.  I let out my deep breath and start to smile. I don’t even have to open my eyes to know she’s there.

I feel her shift.  I feel her lips lazily press into my shoulder and her hand runs over my bare stomach to my far side. She holds me there, pulling herself closer, her leg bending and sliding over my own.  I can feel her bare breasts pushing into the side of my ribs, soft but firm.

I can't stop smiling. 

My left arm feels numb and tingly and I realize she must have slept on it all night. I curl it around her shoulders and pull my other arm from my face. I lay it against her forearm against my stomach, rubbing her there with my hand, up and down over her slender arm. 

It was a good night, a fucking perfect night.  Even after we had sex, even when we were both giggly and tired and stupid.  We ran by and got some crap fast food, came back to my place and ate it on my couch while watching TV.  We barely talked.  I think we were both too giddy to say anything. 

 

It wasn't until she said, “I like your place,” that I tugged her over closer to me on the couch and pulled her on top of me and started kissing her again.  I had slouched back against the arm of the sofa and pressed our bodies together.

 

We didn’t have sex again.  I would have, I could have—I wanted to.  But I held my restraint and just kissed her over and over, letting her set the tone and the mood and the pace.  She rested on me and kissed me. But after a while she got lazy with her kisses and pulled back and put her head right under my chin and held me tight.  I didn’t want to upset her or seem like a pervert, so I just held her back and kept my crotch from wanting to push into her.  I didn’t mind, though.  It felt good.  She fits right against my body.  I asked her if she was tired and she nodded against me.  So we stood off the couch and I took her through my place to my bedroom. 

Getting into bed with her wasn’t awkward.  There has been a few times in my life where I’ve had sex with a woman and then gotten into bed with her.  Most of the times it was awkward, a few times it was silly, but with Jess it felt natural.  I watched her take her jeans off and her bra from under her shirt. 

 

We got into my bed, me in my boxers and her in her little black thong and her t-shirt.  I held her close to me and she felt so good there, comfortable, perfect.  Then she wiggled away.

 

"It's hot," she had complained and pulled her shirt off.

 

Her bare breasts against my chest were enough to get me there again.   But she was breathing deep and seemed completely relaxed. When I looked at her, her eyes were closed.  She was already asleep, just like that and I was laying there with an erection from just feeling her body beside mine.

 

I wanted to touch her. I wanted to touch myself.  But I didn’t.

 

I forced myself to breathe even and deep as well.  I shut my eyes. 

And now it's morning. I haven't even looked at her yet.  I'm still laying here with my eyes closed and a smile on my face, feeling her warm, moist breath against my shoulder, her lips randomly pressing against my skin.  Her arm slides from underneath mine and her hand reaches for my own, our fingers interlaced and playing, rubbing against each other.  She clasps them with hers and curls up tighter against me, sighing.

"We probably need to get up," she says quietly, her voice slightly rough, gravelly, but sexy as hell.  I smile more, scoot down against her body and turn on my side on the mattress so that I’m facing her.  I finally open my eyes and look at her. 

 

Fuck...

She really is in my bed, my bed.  Those lazy, tired, brown eyes half open and looking into mine.  I pull my hand up to her face and pull her hair back a little.  I don’t want to move, I don’t want to leave.  I want to live in this moment with her forever.

 

I know it’s cheesy and sappy.  But god damn if I don’t love having her next to me, in my bed, almost naked.

 

"Let's stay in bed."

"Don’t you have your big meeting stuff today?"

I drop my hand from her cheek and plop onto my back.  "Fuck."

The meeting.  Corporate.  Shit.

"You forgot," she says quietly.

I run my hands over my face and then drop them by my sides before looking over at her.  She's got the sheet tucked under her arms and her hair is hanging against her face.  And she's smiling at me.  I smile back and lean towards her, "I just didn’t think about it this morning."

I go to kiss her and she laughs and giggles and buries her face into the pillow saying, "Eww…you got hot breath."  Well that makes me feel good, but she’s smiling so I know she’s not completely disgusted by me.

I pull my hands under the sheet and start touching her stomach and her sides, tickling her a little before pulling her close to me. "You're one to talk.  You're the one that wanted Wendy's last night.”

I kiss along her shoulders and collar as she giggles quietly and squirms underneath me. 

 

"I had worked up an appetite."

"And how did you do that?"  I raise an eyebrow at her, thinking she's gonna play the shy card like most girls do.

She gets the shy look in her eyes and bites her lip.  But then she says, "By fucking you senseless."

I feel myself twitch and throb.  I want her again.  I've wanted her from the moment I left her last night, when I pulled out of her on that dirty ass floor.  Shit, we still haven’t taken a shower. 

"Shit Jess..."  I sigh into her neck and kiss her there, feeling her hand in my hair and moving closer so that my body is almost on top of hers.  "It’s too early to be flirting with me."

"Why?" she asks.

I can't help myself and I push my crotch into her panties so she can feel that I want her, that she's got me hard as shit for her. “That."

"I can be quick." Her voice is a whisper; it's sexy as hell.  And I have to fight with myself to say no to her.  I have to fight to not call up the owner of our store and tell him I'm deathly ill and then spend all damn day with my dick inside of her, making her come over and over and over again. 

"I can’t."  I sigh and roll off of her.  

As much as lying in bed with her is about to edge out work, I know even if I gave into her right now, just for a moment, I'd have to rush it and I don’t want to.  I want the next time we have sex to last so damn long that she's begging me, beating me, screaming for me to let her orgasm all around me.  

 

"I don’t wanna rush this.  I want us to make it last.  When I fuck you, I want to fuck you for hours....days.  Not just a quickie to get me off before I go in today." She's pouting, but she's leaning over me now, pressing into me.  Her breathing is heavy and her breasts are pressed into my chest, nipples hard and tightened.  Her leg is up over my lap, pinning my hard-on onto my thigh, tangled in my boxers.  Her crotch is tightly pressed against my hip, and she starts rubbing slightly, making her thigh slide over my dick just slightly as she barely humps me.

Shit she can’t do this to me now.  She can’t.

"Come on, let's get in the shower."  I push off the cover and push myself up to the edge of the bed. 

"Together?"  When I look over my shoulder she's laying in my bed, the sheets and covers pulled almost all the way off her. She’s laying up on her side, breasts heavy and sloped just perfect, those little nipples and her body...that curvy perfect body, just begging me to touch it.

And her eyes, her god damn teasing, testing, wanting eyes...challenging me, begging me to come back into bed with her.  They are the "fuck me" eyes and I want to fuck her so bad.  My dick throbs and I shake my head at her.

"You little kink."

"What can I say?" She pushes herself up on the bed and shuffles over to me on her knees until she reaches the edge of the bed where I’m standing. "I've been craving your dick for a fucking half year."  Her lips are on my shoulder and her hand is on my chest.  "Now I’ve gotten it inside of me...and now I can’t help myself..."

Her hand surges down in an instant and grabs me through my boxers.  I have to pull her hand away.  God damn.  No, no, no.  This is not fair.  "Stop!”  I say and pull back harshly.  I laugh a little and shake my head.  “You’re a bad girl."

I walk straight into the bathroom, march to the shower, slide back the door and turn the water as hot as I know I can stand it.  I turn around for a moment and put my hands to my hips to pull off my boxers, but stop.

 

She’s naked, perfectly naked and standing right in front of me, already.

 

“If I’m being so bad you should spank me."  She ends her sentence by delicately biting her lip.

 

Fucking hell.  She wants me to bend her over my knee and spank her?  Or does she want me to smack her ass while we fuck?

 

I narrow my eyes at her.  “Ok, now you’re just being mean."

"I'll be quiet.”  She steps forward and puts her hand on my chest and even though she laid beside me all night, practically naked, now, with her really naked, standing before me, inches from me, I find myself out of breath and wanting her so fucking bad.  “If you shut me up."

 

She’s got this power over me and with a slight lift of her chin she’s got me kissing her. 

 

I’m kissing her hard, sliding my tongue against hers, not caring that my mouth feels murky and needs to be brushed.  Soon I’m not thinking about anything but the skin of her hips under my fingers and her breasts brushing against my chest.  I move my hands down to her bare ass and I squeeze her there.

 

God damn she’s perfect and she’s here right in front of me.  All mine.  And she’s fucking naked!  I can’t believe I’ve finally got to see her naked.  Hell, I’ve gotten to fuck her.  It’s like…I still can’t believe it.  Even though it feels good and natural being with her, I still can’t fucking believe this is me, this is my life.

 

And she’s a part of it.

 

I slide my lips against her and pull back slightly.  She comes with me and I know I’ve won this round. I smile a little, kissing her for a moment again and pull back, saying softly to her, “Will that tide you over?"

"No...”  Her eager eyes turn seductive and in control in an instant and I feel her hand on me again.  Touching, grabbing.  Trying to stroke through the cotton.  “This will…"

"Jessica..."  I back away from her and shake my head.  This isn’t fair.  She can't be this sexy with me when I have so much shit to do this morning.  I gotta get to work early, make sure my staff is there, make sure the store looks ok.  I have to put on my game face; I can’t go in there looking like I just got laid to pieces.

Plus...I'll want to take my time.  I'll want to fuck her slow and then speed up, and then slow down again.  I'll want to live inside of her.  I'll want my dick squeezed by that tight little pussy she has.  And she's so tight, too.  God damn is she tight and warm and wet. 

 

This isn’t fair.

I pull down my boxers, step out of them and immediately get in the shower.  I move back so she can step in after me and she does.

This wasn't a good idea.  Dammit, I’m an idiot.  Her wet, naked, with little water droplets falling off her puckered nipples, and streams of water going in between her thighs.  Her wet....really wet.  I’m in trouble.

 

And I can’t stop staring. 

"Justin, please."

I move my eyes from the apex of her thighs up her naked body to her eyes.  She's under the water and I suddenly feel cold.  It doesn't matter.  I'm fucking rock hard and she knows it.  Her eyes are sweet, begging, tempting.  She wants it.  She wants me.  And I have to deny her. 

 

I have to deny her, even though she’s begging me. 

 

Shit, she’s begging for my dick. 

 

I smirk.

 

I put my hands on her hips and move past her, wishing as I do it that my shower were bigger, that I didn’t have to brush against her, my dick bumping against her thighs, her breasts against my arm.  "Like I said…the next time I fuck you I want it to last," I say angrily, closing my eyes and tilting my head under the stream.  I can’t handle this anymore.

"Boys are stupid."

I turn and reach down to the corner of my tub to grab up my shampoo.  "Stupid, huh?"

"Yes."  She shifts her legs a little and then licks her lips, knowing exactly what she’s doing when she says, "I'm offering up free pussy here and you're turning it down."

"Free pussy, huh?"  I sit down the bottle.  If she's gonna play this game then fuck it.  I’m gonna play it back.

She bites her bottom lip and steps forward, her hands holding onto her shoulders, looking up at me, leaning into me. "You can just slide in...please."

I hold onto her hips and shuffle back with her, pushing her with me until her back is against the cold, damp tiles. "Nope."

"Why?"

I lean in close to her and say a whisper from her lips, "’Cause I want breakfast."

I kiss her and she pulls back laughing loud, hard, echoing in my shower.  "Did you really just say breakfast?  You’re so cheesy."

"Is it cheesy when I do this?" I say immediately, and move my hand down and in between.  Wet be damned, she's fucking flooded, slick and smooth in between and against my fingers. Her mouth opens but she makes no sound and I move myself down and down, lowering myself until I’m on my knees.  I don’t leave contact with her eyes. And when I sit down on my knees, the water beating down against my shoulders, I push my two fingers in, easily.    

 

"Or this?" She sucks her lip into her mouth and closes her eyes, moaning out loud.  Her thighs are clenching my hand and her pussy is tight, sucking up, pulling me in. 

 

"Relax," I say, leaning in and pressing my lips to her thighs.

I use my hand to spread her legs a little and she slouches against the wall.  I lean in.  I sneak my tongue out against the soft, slick skin until I touch my own fingers. I pull back with the tip of my tongue, my nose into the small, trim bristles there.  I flick my tongue back and suck her sweetness into my mouth, grazing the tip of my tongue against her aching, hard clit.

"Ho…holy shit."  I look up and she's staring down at me, eyes wide, throat swallowing hard.  I smile at her and watch as her fingers grip against the wet tile, trying to find something to hold onto.

I pull my fingers out of her and she whines.  "You taste so fucking good.  Dammit girl."  I say to her and lick her again, moving my free hand against her thigh, down to her knee and around and underneath.  I slide it up almost to her ass and pull up, making her put her weight on one foot and making her leg go up and dangle over my shoulder.

Yes....yes now she's more open to me.  Ready for me.  So fucking wet for me.

 

"Is this better?" I whisper, rubbing my lips along her inner thigh, holding onto the outside of it to keep it over my shoulder.  I look up and she nods and I feel her hand touch my head.  Suddenly her hand is fisted in my hair and tugging me forward.  Yeah, girl...you fucking want this.

And dammit if I don’t either.  She tastes better than candy.  It's so fucking good.  And I'm immediately addicted.  I lick and lick, her juices seeping from her smoothly.  She sighs and sighs, saying ‘more’ and ‘more’.  She wants it.  She wants it fast, too.  But I take my time.  I let it last and wait.  I touch her with my fingers that were once in her, but I don’t go in.  I just brush against her folds and flick her there, sliding in between and all around.  Touching her gently, probing her purposefully.  And I know she doesn’t want it.  She wants them plunged deep and hard. She wants me to fuck her with my hand.  She wants to grind down against it and fuck herself with my fingers. 

Shit, this is hot.

I push my fingers in her and she cries out.  I spread them in her and twist slightly, out and then back in.  I hold them there and with my other hand I take it from her thigh and place it over her mound and spread my thumb and forefinger, pulling apart the upper part of her folds, making her clit exposed, her pink skin stretching.

I smirk and lean in.  I nuzzle it with my nose for a moment, loving her smell, her sweet musky smell before slightly moving up and pressing my lips into the little bud.  I don’t waste any time.  I start sliding my fingers in and out and I start sucking, softly but continuously on that little hard clit.

 

The more I do it the less I'm able to stop myself.  Her hand is keeping my face against her pussy and her thigh keeps sliding off my shoulder, all slick and wet from the shower water.  I look up at her occasionally and her eyes are closed, her head tilted back, her back slightly arched, nipples taught and puckered pressing out into the damp air. Her lips are opened then bit, then moaning out, then pursed in ecstasy. 

 

Her free hand grasps at the wall and finally it lands on her right breast. I go rigid watching her play with her own breast, plucking at her nipple, before moving to the other breast. I watch her roughly rubbing her tits

I start to smile against her slippery skin and start to twist, fucking her with my fingers harder.  Shit.  I'm making her fall into ecstasy with my mouth. I might do it myself if I’m not careful.

"Yes..."  She starts to pant and her hips start moving against my fingers and face. 

I don’t pull back, I don’t say a word.  I resist the urge to touch myself, to jack off a little while I do this to her.  I could.  I have one hand free, holding her thigh up against my shoulder again.  I grip her there.  God I could touch just a little right.

"God yes…Fuck Justin..."  Shit I need to touch, but I know if I do I know I won’t be able to stop.

God what am I doing?  I'm fucking eating her out in the shower and I have to be at work for those assholes from corporate.  Why does it matter? I'm not gonna be there for life.  Shit, Justin.  Think about your girl, naked, writhing above you.

I look up and she's looking down at me, mouth dropped open, forehead wrinkled.  I pump my fingers against her repeatedly and lick my lips at her, catching my breath for a moment.  Her head cranes back and her hand forces my face deep against her. I start licking her furiously again.  Knowing what she wants, feeling her little pussy tighten around my fingers.  I could slide another.  I could.  I don’t think it will hurt her.

I push another in her slit and she cries out and I suck against her clit.  Three fucking fingers. 

 

Damn.  I push my fingers in her and hold them there, pressing deep within her and I feel her tighten and tighten, her hips bucking.  She starts making noises: "Oh...oh...ohhh... oh god."  Higher and louder, but breathier with each one.  Finally I jab my fingers against her a little and suck her clit hard and she screeches out a noise I can’t understand, but it echoes in the shower. 

I suck her and keep my fingers in her as she cums.  And finally when she's whimpering, I pull my fingers out and softly press a kiss against her sore little bud.

She whines and jerks a little against the wall.  I let her thigh slide from my shoulder and I push myself up.  She's leaning against the wall, still whimpering, still breathing hard. 

I can’t help myself and I pull her against me.  I pull her hard against me.  Shit that was hot, it was hot but it was something else too.  I just made her cum so fucking hard, so hard with my mouth and she tasted so good and she...she holds me back. 

I pull her with me and step back so the water is running down against us and I feel her lips against my chest and then up to my shoulder.  Her hands move down my arms and in between.  "Let me..."

I step back and she starts lightly pumping my dick.  Shit.  This can't happen.

I want it to happen. But god damn I don’t even know what time it is now.  It could be late.  I could be fucking late for work.  I know, I know.  I'm the world’s worst asshole.  But I swear I’ll fuck her all night if she just gives me this morning to do this.

All night...

 

I just, if I fuck her I’ll go to work with a cloudy, lazy mind.  I need to be on point today.

"Don't ok?"  I step back and immediately grab my shampoo.  I squirt some into my palm and look up for a moment before I run it over my head and my body.  I don’t have time to deal with rinsing real good or using my soap.  This will have to do.

"Don’t?!"

I turn. I can't keep looking at her, wet hair and flushed face and so sexy just standing there. "I gotta get ready."  I furiously rub the shampoo over my head and then move my hands down my body, getting myself all nice and sudsy.  I could grab my dick, yes, but it's all too much right now with the hot water dripping on it.  God, it would feel good. 

 

This sucks.  Fucking sucks.  I get to have her finally, and now...now I have to go.

Maybe I should just quit.  My brain hurts.

"Are you serious?  You just ate me out and your dick is like..."  I turn a little and squint my eyes as I start to rinse off.  Her eyes are wide and she's staring down at my crotch.  I look down as well.  Fucking shit.  It’s gonna be hurting all fucking damn day.  "Hello!!  And you don’t want anything?"

I sigh and turn back to face the showerhead. "I never said I didn’t want it.  I just can’t have it right now."

Suddenly I feel her front pressed to my back, all warm and wet.  Her lips rub against my back and I feel her smile against my skin.  "Can’t you be just a few minutes late?"

I close my eyes.  I can feel her hands running around me, trying to touch me.  God I should just give into her.  But I can't. I can't, because I'll lose my job.  Ya know, it’s not even that I'm really worried about that.  I just...I gotta control myself around her.  I was able to do it for months.  Now I've had her and I'm fucking going insane.  It's not fair. 

 

Fucking her was supposed to make it all better, make me happy, make me at ease.  And it has.  But now I’m addicted and I don’t know how to handle that.

Maybe I should have just waited an extra day until after this damn corporate shit was over. 

Or maybe I should have just fucked her the first day I met her in that little green apron, all tight and cute on her.

I rip myself away and turn, holding her upper arms and pushing her a few feet away so there's a gap between us. "No Jess.  I really can’t.  I have to be there early today in fact and I'm sure I'm pushing it now.  It’s making me nervous."

Her eyes are wide and she's staring at me in shock.  They slowly turn into an easy smile and she shakes her head, "Dammit Justin come on. I'll suck you off."

And that just pisses me off.  That she thinks she can just woo me back with head.  Well...she can.  Fuck she wants to suck me off!?  This is cruel.  This is just torture.  And dammit, I have to fucking go.

I point a finger at her and angrily push back the sliding door. I'm wet and probably still have suds on me somewhere, but I don’t care.

 

"Stop it."

"You're mean."  She pouts at me.  I can't give into her.  I just can’t.

"I'm getting out." I step out of the shower and grab a towel, making sure not to look at her.  I can feel her staring at me.

"Ugh!! Whatever."  Is what I hear before I glance to see her sliding the shower door back so hard it bounces a little against the frame and opens back up a good 4 inches.  I tuck the towel around my waist.

I sigh.  I just fucked up.  But she's got to understand.  I'm not trying to tease her or not be with her.  I want her.  I really do.  God, I'm the one in pain here.  I just can’t give into her right now.

I wipe the fog off the mirror and pull my shaving cream can into one hand.  I stare at my blurry face in the mirror.  I'm a fucking moron.  But it's too late now.  I wouldn’t have taken a long time and if I had just fucked her instead of going down on her I wouldn’t be all hard and shit now.  At least I don’t think I would be.

 

It’s unfair and I’m a moron.

 

And I can’t go back in there and beg her to help me out.  I can’t give into my addiction, to her naked wet body only a few feet from mine.

 

I just have to suffer.

 

But tonight…

 

I smile a little and wipe the mirror with my hand, again. 

 

Tonight. 

 

I’m pissed.  Really pissed. 

 

I step out of the shower and yank a towel off the rack there.  The door is cracked, but the bathroom is empty.  I took a long time in the shower just to piss him off.  I also took my time to try and calm down, but the time just made my anger build.  Look, ya know, it’s like, I’m fucking sorry that he had some big meeting today, but dammit!  I want him.  I fucking want him.  And he can’t just go down on me like that and not expect me to want him more.

 

I just want him more.  And more!

 

It’s not fucking fair!

 

I can still feel his fingers and his tongue, sliding, licking, all in between my folds and against my clit.  Holy fucking shit he knew what he was doing and he was good at it, every small touch and stroke, every jab and slick thrust of his fingers.  He knew how to be gentle but just rough enough with me.  It’s like he knew my body already.  How could he know it that quick?

 

‘Cause he’s a fucking amazing freaking lover that’s why!  I almost giggle at myself for calling him “lover”.  But at the same time that title turns me on.

 

Almost as much as how the feel of his tongue against my pussy turns me on.  That feeling is now embedded in my brain.  I’ll never get it out of my head and as much as that’s a good thing, it’s going to be so damn distracting.

 

I can’t be mad at him.  I’m the one who told him we had to get up.  I’m the one who reminded him about his meeting.  I wish I hadn’t.  I really wish I hadn’t.  That’s bitchy, isn’t it?  I shouldn’t expect him to want to give up his job for me after less than 12 hours.

I run the towel over my body and then run it vigorously through my hair, drying it as much as possible before wrapping the towel around my torso.

I mean, he just can’t expect me to shut it off.  I go months and months of desiring him like crazy.  Then I get him.  And then we’re supposed to spend every second for the next few days in bed together.  That’s what I want.  I don’t care about work.  I’m fucking sick, hell fucking fire me.

 

I have him now and that’s all that matters.  Well…I think I have him.  I mean we haven’t really discussed that, yet.  Crap, now my mind is going nuts thinking maybe…

 

No, no, no. He said he liked me.  He said he’s been wanting this.  He’s not the type of guy who would just fuck me and then peace out, right?

 

Right?

 

I shuffle into the bedroom and I see him standing in black slacks and a white tank in front of his open closet doors.  He’s got a couple striped jerseys in there and he pulls one out and tugs it over his body, all with his back towards me.

 

Dammit, even his little ass looks good in those slacks.  I love how after having sex with him last night I’m still just as ever like a silly little girl when I see him.

 

It’s more than just attraction.  It’s need.  Being with him last night, not just the sex, but sleeping beside him, kissing him, hell even just riding in the car with him…I want that.  I want it all.

 

I need him.

 

This isn’t good.  Dependency isn’t good, especially when there’s so much that still hasn’t been said or done.  I hooked up with him, that’s all.

 

It’s not like we’re dating now.

 

He turns for a moment while pulling a belt out from somewhere in the closet.  “Oh hey.”

 

“Hi.”

 

“I figured we need to take some time to go back to your place and get you some clothes before you go into work.” He nods to the bed and I see on the corner of it are my clothes from the night before; my jeans, my thong, my shirt, all piled on the comforter. 

 

“Right.”  I feel awkward. 

 

I shouldn’t feel awkward. 

 

He walks closer to me and I smile at him as he stops in front of his dresser and looks himself over in the mirror above it.  He really is handsome, even with a uniform on.  Or off.

 

But shit, especially with his uniform on.  I don’t know what it is, maybe just the fact that most of the time when I see him he’s in that uniform, therefore most of my fantasies involve that uniform.  On my floor.  I smile and remember how carefully he took his nametag off his shirt last night when we got ready to get in bed and then carelessly threw his shirt in the hamper.  I reach over to the dresser and pull the tag into my hand. 

 

“Don’t forget your little nametag.”

“Oh yeah…”  He smiles a crooked smile at me and I work to pin the tag against his chest.  I look up at him and I don’t smile.  I just stare at him, his eyes and lips, that strong neck and jaw.  And I can’t help myself.  I lean forward, breathing in the smell of his clean body, touching the mesh fabric of his shirt.  I kiss him.

 

I lose control in that kiss, in every kiss I give him.  His mouth murders mine, claiming it over and over. Even though I’m the one with my eyes squinted shut, he’s the one that pulls back breathless and slightly shocked, “Jess…”

 

“Can I not kiss you?” I question.  I see a moment of hesitation in his eyes.  I frown.  But I don’t let it pull me down because I want him.  I’ve never been more sure of myself in this moment.  I don’t care about anything else.

 

I care about him, about his body and mine.  And I want to be on top. I want to look down and see him lose it.  I want to be in control for once.  I need to be in control.

 

I kiss him again and don’t let him leave.  I plant my hands on his face and keep his mouth near mine.  At first he clumsily puts his hands on my shoulders and then moves them down to my hips and grips me there through the terry cloth, not pulling me away, but

pushing me closer.

 

We kiss and kiss and I start pulling up on his shirt he ever so carefully tucked into his pants.  I successfully get his shirt free and push my hands underneath and run them up the spans of his warm, muscular body.  God his body turns me on.

 

“Shit what are...”  He pulls away breathless.

 

I grab him through his pants and push him forward, making him fall back onto the bed, making my crumbled pile of clothes from last night tumble off onto the floor. “I wanna do this.”

 

“But…”

 

I crawl up on top of him, discarding the crumbled towel to the floor.  I’m still a little damp and my hair is dripping still.  But I don’t care and watching his eyes travel over my body, I know he doesn’t care either.  I straddle him and lean forward, cupping his face in my hands. 

 

“Look at me…”  He moves his eyes from my breasts to my face and licks his lips.

 

“Honestly, do you really want me to stop?”

 

“No, but I…” I cover his mouth with my hand and I smile at his wide eyes.

 

“You won’t be late.  I promise.”

 

We fall into it. I move right down into him, holding him, kissing him as his hands splay across my back and move down to my ass, gripping me there.  I kiss against his lips, his chin, his neck, moving all around him and down.  I slide off of him to the side for a moment and run my hand over his shirt down to his pants. I palm the thick length there for a moment before undoing his belt, his button, his zipper. Then I reach inside through his boxers to his dick.

 

It’s so hard and warm, ready just for me.  He’s been ready.  Don’t think I didn’t notice his hard-on in the shower.  He wanted me then.  I just don’t know why he didn’t take me.  I mean I know his excuse.

 

But dammit he could have thrown me against the wall, fucked me hard, fast…gotten us there in seconds and we wouldn’t be here, me groping him and sucking on his ear, wanting him so bad.

 

Well, we’d probably still be here.

 

‘Cause I’d just want more and more.  I can’t get enough.

 

Shit, what if I never get enough?  What if he makes me one of those sex addicts that walks around needing to be fucked? 

 

You know what, I don’t care.  I don’t mind.  As long as it’s him fucking me.  I don’t give one damn.  Because he’s that good.

 

“Shit…”  He says when I grab him through his pants again.  “All those months I imagined you to be this little sex freak and here you are...”

 

“I’m not a freak.”   I say bashfully, knowing that I’m really not.  Until him I was always able to control my desires. He’s made me this way.  I’ve never felt like this…this…this needy of a man’s body.  And it’s awesome because I’m not just attracted to what I’m touching, what I want in me and what I want to grab beneath my fingers.  I’m attracted to his smile, his laugh, the way he looks at me, the way he talks to me.

 

I love it all.

 

I do, I love it.

 

“You’re my freak.”  He moves and smiles against my mouth before wiggling his way from me and working to move his shirt off.

 

I’m his.

 

I stop him, that uncontrollable need filling me up and boiling over instantly. “No…we don’t have time.  Leave it on.”

 

I tug down on his pants, pulling them and his boxers down to his thighs, making his cock spring free, bouncing a little, thick and swollen.  Ready.

 

I move to straddle him and he’s smirking at me.  “You’re getting off on this, aren’t you?”

 

“Aren’t you?”  I sit down against his crotch, not letting him go in, but letting him feel how soaking wet I am.  We both hiss out.

 

“God damn…”   He says, his hand immediately going to my hips.  I sit up against him and rub against him.  I smile at him and he stares at my breasts and then moves his eyes down to my thighs and moves a hand from my hips to in between.  He brushes against me there and I sigh out a gasp as his fingers touch my clit again.  It’s still a little sore, but aching and throbbing for him still.

 

 “I’m a fool,” he says quietly.

 

“Why…”

 

His eyes stay glued to my crotch as I rub and rub against him.  I stare down at him and realize how fucking sexy he looks in his jersey. Our bodies touch, so close to letting me in.  Shit, I’ve fantasized about this.  About him taking me into the stock room and fucking me with his ref uniform on.

 

And here I am fucking him with it on.  I push my hands up on his shirt so I can see the skin underneath.

 

“For not taking you in the shower.”

 

I smirk at him.  He’s right.  He should have done it then. But if it led us to this, to me staring at him as he stares at me, as I rub my wet pussy against his thick dick, then I don’t mind one bit that he freaked out and wouldn’t let us fuck.

 

“Told ya…” I lean down against him and say, “kiss me,” before melding our lips together.

 

Soon I’m leaning up against him, his one hand on my hip, keeping me rubbing against him, his other hand cupping my breast, pulling it up to his mouth.  Shit, he sucks my nipples so good, gently but with a strength that it makes me moan.  My hips pull off him as I try to pull my chest closer to his mouth. His dick bobs against my thighs and in between.  He presses for a moment against my clit and I moan out.

 

Fuck.  I gotta have this.  I can’t take it anymore and I sit up and sit down.

 

I slide right down.

 

Down, down, down, all the way.  Arching my back and staring at the ceiling, gulping out, “God…” as he fills me up.  I’m never going to get use to this, this…him…his thickness impaling me.

 

I like it.  I like the shock and the surprise.  I like that I have to wait to get use to it.  I want it over and over. 

 

I try and catch my breath and force myself to look down at him.

 

Those eyes, those fucking eyes just staring at me, focused on me. His mouth slightly open, his hands on my hips, arm muscles taut and strained, keeping me down all the way on him.  I can feel him stretching me, throbbing in me.  It’s insane.

 

I rock my hips up slightly, moving just a few inches up and then I slowly go back down. 

 

We groan together.

 

I imagined it would be this perfect, but even my fantasies couldn’t prepare me for this moment, for last night, for all of it.  In a weird sense, it’s almost scary how perfect it is. 

 

It can’t be this perfect, can it?

 

I keep expecting to wake up.  But I’m not going to.  I start to smile and smile.

 

His hands move over me, up to my breasts which he cups and palms, playing with my nipples slightly before moving his hand back down to my hips.  We rock together slowly.  He lays back and enjoys it, pushing up slightly with his hips as I ride him.  Droplets of water are running down my body, my back and my breasts and stomach, all moving down in between to where we’re connected.  It’s a weird sensation but it feels so, so good.

 

I want to take my time.  I want it to last and last and go slow.  But I know time is not something we have.  And I know he really doesn’t need to be late for work.

 

I don’t want to be one of those girls, if…if I am his girlfriend or if I get to that point, I don’t want to be clingy and hog him.  I don’t want him to think that he has to clear everything with me first.

 

But I do cling to him now.  I lean down against him because he’s so deep, so…so deep and it’s too intense.  I press my cheek against his shoulder and he turns his head and claims my lips, his hands spread on my ass, pulling me, pushing me down, making me fuck him.  His hips start to move fast.  Holding me still as he fucks me.

 

God…

 

I pull away and stare in his eyes, breathing him in.  “Sh-shit…”

 

He smirks at me and I know the game he’s playing.  He’s forgotten about work and he’s trying to work me out too well.

 

Well this is my show now and since he was so willing to control me and get under me in the shower, I’m gonna keep him under me now. I want to be in control.  I have to prove to myself that I can try and control myself around him.

 

This will be a challenge.  I push myself up, spread my legs wider and put my hands on his chest.  Yes, yes this is my show.  I push myself up and down on him, slow at first, finding my pace, trying to not let the intense feeling, the fact that his penis, slightly curved is slamming into my spot every time.

 

I suck in deep breaths and close my eyes, knowing if I look at him I’ll lose it.  I concentrate on his body in mine.

 

I hear him groan out loud and I smile to myself.  Yes, I’m in control of him now.  I work my body over him again and again, pulsating on him quickly as I feel his hands grip my hips so tightly. I know his fingers will leave marks in my skin.

 

“You like when I ride you?”  I ask him in a whisper, feeling sexy, feeling powerful.

He bites his lip and nods.  And then it comes to his face, a cocky little smirk.  And he says, “Yes,” to me and then I feel it, and I hear it and it vibrates and makes my core spasm.

 

He smacks his hand against my ass and I lean forward a little against him in shock, in pleasure, amazed that he just…he…he just smacked my ass!  It wasn’t hurtful, just a small, firm smack.  He holds my ass in his hands and grabs it, clutches it and starts thrusting into me wildly.

 

Shit, shit...fucking shit how did this happen?  I…I was in control and now, suddenly, he’s fucking me like crazy and all I can do is lean over him and hold my body in position for him to piston into me.  All I can do is lay here as he fucks me with my mouth open and my eyes squinted shut at the feeling.

 

Oh god, it feels so…so…shit he’s smacking into me, not just his hand now, but his dick, his whole body.  I feel his one hand leave my ass. His hand delves into my wet hair, dripping down against my breasts and back, the cold water slipping down my spine over my ass and in between, causing a weird, cooling sensation against my hot core.  His hand pulls my face to his and he sucks my tongue into his mouth.

 

And he keeps my mouth there until he’s ready, until we both can’t take it anymore.  Every smacking thrust, every time his cock whips into me.  I try and hold onto the stripped jersey that’s pushed up to his chest now.  My cold, damp body is warming now, and is starting to be covered from a light layer of sweat. I can feel it on him too when our stomachs brush against each other.  Shit, we don’t have time to shower again.

 

Fuck…it doesn’t matter.  Nothing does.  Just his dick doing these incredible things to me.

 

More, I want more and more and more until I can’t handle it.  Until I explode.

 

Fuck, I can’t handle it.  I pull my mouth away from his wild kiss and in a high pitched tone I say his name and find myself gripping his shirt, biting down on the material by his shoulder

 

He groans deep from within his chest and I feel it, building and building until I can’t take it, every fucking deep thrust, every time he presses into my spot, too intense, too much, I can’t handle it.

And I fucking cum.  I cum all over his dick and body, shaking and biting and squealing into his shirt as I feel his dick go farther than anything has before into me. I feel like he goes all the way up, all the way up to my fucking stomach, spilling hot sticky cum in me. 

I’m a whore but I love how it feels, hot and slippery, coating me all deep and shit. I love him cumming inside of me.

 

Fuck…

I hold my body tightly above him as his dick keeps fucking up, deep, grinding, pressing continuously deeply inside of me as we jerk together.  We breathe and relax.

 

And then jerk again, coming down together, aftershocks making our bodies surge together.

 

It dies down quickly and soon I’m slunk against him, my ear against his chest, his heart beating rapidly and me trying to remember how to breathe.  He’s still in me and I feel mushy and know I have to get off him now, or I never will. Or I’ll just melt into him forever.

 

I roll myself away and sigh.

 

“Fuckin’ hell…”  He groans hoarsely and I cover my face in my hands.  I feel wobbly and warm and completely satisfied.  Yet oddly disappointed.

 

“That was a mistake.”  I say firmly.

 

He shifts a little and looks over at me, a face full of concern, worry, yet adorable, too. “It was?”

 

“Yes…” I sigh, smile at him, and then curl up on my side.  I run my fingers against his chest, pulling his shirt down against his torso from where I pulled it up.  “’Cause I thought it would satisfy me and make me ready to go to work.  And now…”  I lean in and kiss his lips briefly, “All I wanna do is crawl back under the covers with you.”

 

He stares at me. “If it weren’t today we would.”

 

I smile at him and he smiles at me. I curl up against him, my head tucked in his chest and I look down at his body. His penis is thumping with his heart beat and softening quickly, glistening with wetness.  It’s an odd sight to see and I find myself giggling to pieces at it.  I just made him cum. 

 

“Why you giggling?”  He says to me and I can’t stop myself.  I’m too happy, sad we have to leave, but happy that I got to be with him.

I want to be with him, not just this way but everyway.  I hope he knows that.  I really hope he knows that.  He sits up against me and pulls me up so that I’m sitting beside him, both our legs dangling over the end of his bed.  He leans in and kisses my lips sweetly, lingering before pulling back and running his hand over my head, “Come on…you need to get dressed and we need to get going.”

 

I know he’s right and as much as I hate it, I pull myself together and pull myself off the bed.  He pulls me back against him once he stands up and fixes his pants.  He hugs me.  It’s a strange gesture and I try not to read into it.  But I haven’t been hugged like this in a long time.  It feels good.  It feels like home.

 

And I don’t want that feeling to end.  And I know in less than an hour, my romp with him will end.  We’ll go our separate ways, him downstairs, me to my store…

 

And after that, I’m clueless.

 

Maybe this is it.  Maybe he just wanted a couple fucks out of me.

 

Maybe I’ve lost my mind.

 

Uncertainty clouds my mind as I watch him situate his clothes and I jump into my blue jeans.  Why do I feel this way?  Why did such a silly, perfect morning turn into this…awkward and quietness between us. Maybe it’s not awkward, maybe I’m just reading into everything.  He’s happy, it seems.  Quiet, but happy.  And my body feels wobbly and warm.

 

It’s a good feeling.  So why is my brain freaking out right now?

 

Maybe I’m trying to find something wrong with this picture, trying to find the flaw, because nothing this good has ever happened to me before. And now that I’ve gotten the man of my dreams, I’m unsure of the reality of it.

 

I know that somehow, some day, it’s all gonna come crashing down around me.  Like everything else.

 

It has too.  Nothing’s this good. 

 

Maybe I’ve gotten my hopes up.  Maybe he’s satisfied now, maybe that’s why he didn’t want to fuck me in the shower.  He was done with me. 

 

Maybe he’s done with me.

 

Shit.

 

I’m losing it.

The Aftermath

It's silent. The radio isn't even on. His hand slides against the wheel nervously. His thumb twitches on his thigh. I lean back and my eyes search the console of his car for his speedometer as we abruptly turn past a McDonald’s towards the back entrance of the mall. I fall a little over in the car and hold myself in place by gripping the seat belt across my chest as the car jerks and slides. I stare at his profile.

He ignores me. He ignores the world. He's on a mission. He's chewing on his lips, braking suddenly to turn left.

I don't exist in his mind right now.

I haven't for a while. He kissed me when we were done this morning, he held me for a moment on his bed. He pressed his hands on the back of my ass as we walked out of his apartment to his car. We got in it, he kissed me, really kissed me, lingering, his hand pulling on my waist, trying to pull me into his seat. Bucket seats prevented that and he pulled away and licked his lips as he cranked the engine. He was happy.

I was happy.

Then he saw the time light up above his radio.

And he flipped out.

"Shit! It's later than I thought." He paused for a moment and then banged his fists against his steering wheel making his Jeep's horn whine a pathetic beep. "Fuck! I'm...dammit Jess, I’m gonna be so late."

I almost laughed at him. It was a ridiculous thing to get mad about, in my opinion. And I had never seen him this wound up about something. I mean, I had seen him wound up, panting, hard, me on top of him, kissing him and us staring at each other...but...but this..this was different.

I gotta stop thinking like this or I'll attack him in his car and he'll never get to work and then he'll really hate me. I can’t help it. I want him all the time.

And he better not hate me, not after this morning.

"We don't have to go by my place. I guess I can wear this to work," I had said and he had nodded curtly at me.

"Good. That's...that'll help."

I knew I was reading into things when he said "good." But I crouched down in my seat anyway when he turned to back out of the driveway. I felt small. I don’t know why. I mean, I understand that he's stressed. I understand this is a big day for him. Hell, I don’t even know what kind of pressure he goes through being a manager of a store. I know our manager freaks out over every little thing, but she's a drama queen. Our store is pretty easy to run, me and Beverly do it fine by ourselves almost every day.

God I hate feeling like this. I should be happy, smiling, giddy. Instead I’m sighing, a headache is starting to form and I feel tired.

Why am I not happy? Is this some sign that this is going to be disastrous? That this is a mistake?

Please don’t let it be a mistake.

We swerve into the parking lot and it amazes me that someone as cool and normally collected as Justin can be freaking out over this. He wasn’t freaking out last night when we were fucking in his store. He was fine, he was sure of himself and what he wanted. He was confident in me, in what he wanted. This is a new side of him, I’ve never seen this. Last night his store looked great and now he's got 50 minutes before the mall even opens. He’s got time, I think. He should relax.

Hannah tells us to get to the store between 9 and 9:30. I’m usually pushing 9:35. Today I'll be way early while he’s panicking about being late.

I wish I were coming in late. I wish we were lying in bed together, making ourselves late, not giving a damn.

It was perfect, the entire night. Even this morning with the slight awkwardness of him not wanting to do anything, but really wanting to do everything. It was great, perfect—until he looked at his fucking car clock. I have an urge to break it somehow.

It doesn’t help that every time I look over at him, he's sitting there with his jaw taut, eyes narrowed, jersey loose against his stomach and tight against his broad shoulders. I had sex with him in that jersey. So many times I fantasized about that and I got it. I finally got him, gripping me, impaling me, rubbing me and wanting me so bad I can taste it in his mouth as I kiss him.

So why is everything so awkward? Maybe I'm just over thinking everything. Maybe he's fine, just tired and trying to get to work on time. Maybe those corporate people were coming in early. Maybe I just don’t know him that well.

He pulls into a parking spot right near the service doors. He strips off his seat belt and I hurriedly move to scramble outside. It's a little chilly this morning and I don’t have a jacket. I really should have gone back home and changed.

He slams his door shut and locks his car. Then he glances at me only for a moment, not even focusing on me, before waving and saying, "Later Jess."

He starts jogging towards the doors.

I stare at him as he opens them, enters the hallway and then I watch as the door slowly creeps back shut with a metallic click.

Right…

You've got to be kidding me!

I stare at the door as if that didn't just happen, as if I'm waiting for him to realize halfway through his jog to his store that I’m still here. And then he'll turn around, sprint towards me, grab me in his arms, dip me back and kiss me like a freaking movie. But that doesn't happen.

And I should never, ever expect it to. The night is over, the morning is over. The fucking fairytale is over and I'm back to the beginning, back to every other stupid morning, going into a dreadful drudged day of retail hell with nothing to look forward to.

Now I don’t even have my candyman to look forward to. I don’t have 10:45 to look forward to. I've wanted him, I've got him, and now he's gone.

God, I'm being so fucking melodramatic. I must be getting my period. Yeah, that's a good excuse. Let me be forgiven for being a sappy-ass, pathetic little girl right now.

But dammit he didn’t come back. He didn’t even say "see you later".

He didn’t even smile.

I pry the heavy metal door open and force myself to walk down the hallway, letting my purse weigh my shoulders down. I walk to the other end or the hallway, open that door and enter the mall. Crappy soft rock is playing on the speakers and it’s louder than normal, or either the mall is just quieter than I’ve ever noticed it. Lights are on, the skylights let in tons of light even on an overcast day like today, but all the gates and doors are closed to the stores in the mall. I suddenly feel tired, worn out, worn down.

This is sick that some stupid boy is making me feel and act this way. Sick.

Maybe I should just go down there and…

No, no I won’t be that girl. But maybe if it’s still bothering me at lunch I’ll call the store and ask to speak to him.

Dammit, I don’t even have his fucking cell phone number. I stop mid-step and tell myself to calm down. This is stupid and ridiculous. He has a huge day, we’re not dating, it’s not like he owes me anything.

We just hooked up.

We had sex…twice.

That’s all. That’s it Jess!

And dammit it was…it was so fucking good.

He fit me perfectly, he stretched me just right. He got me going so fast. His hands and his mouth, oh damn his mouth on me down there, and his dick… And I shouldn’t be thinking about it. It’s over now. I’ve had him, the anticipation, the flirting, all that shit is over with. I should be happy I got what I wanted. I got laid.

Ugh, I hate being weird like this!!! I hate letting my mind over-work. I wish I could just be confident. I used to be. Why does this matter so much?

I sigh and shuffle down a few feet to the door of our store. The gate is all but three feet closed and the lights are on inside. I bend down to lift the gate. It rattles as I move it and I limbo under it a bit and then pull it back down as far as it’ll stay.

“Hey…”

I don’t make eye contact with Beverly. “Hi.”

“What…” I look up at her and she’s looking me up and down. “Are…” Her mouth snaps shut like a fish and then she speaks, “Hannah’s here.”

“And?” I really shouldn’t take this out on her.

“And I don’t care, but she’s gonna flip her shit when she sees you in jeans.”

I slap my purse down on the counter in front of where Bev is counting out money for the register. I dig in my purse to the bottom of it trying to find some ibuprofen or something. I slept hard last night. I shouldn’t be getting a headache this early. I shouldn’t let all this get to me as much as it is.

And what’s sad about it all is the fact that I am letting it get to me: that’s what gets to me even more! It increases the freak-out factor. Makes my nerves a wreck. I need therapy.

He didn’t even do anything. It wasn’t like he didn’t spend all night with me, or that he wasn’t happy this morning, or that he pushed me away when I got on top of him or that he told me he didn’t like me. He didn’t do anything.

Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I’ve spent too long building him up in my mind, turning him into Prince Charming, when he’s just Justin, who’s got a job and is anxious today about what’s going on in his store.

And since he didn’t sweep me off my feet this morning, dip me back in a passionate romance novel kiss-- since for the first time since I’ve know him I wasn’t turned on beyond belief….I get upset.

I shouldn’t expect all this out of him.

But dammit, I deserve it. Right? I told myself after the last guy I dated that I wasn’t lowering my standards, that I deserved the best. I thought Justin was it. He is it.

But I shouldn’t expect him to be perfect.

“Well I didn’t have time to go back and get changed this morning,” I say with attitude towards Beverly.

“This morning...” Bev raises her eyebrow at me. I just roll my eyes and start walking towards the back so I can get my apron and see if we have any aspirin or anything in our bathroom.

“Jess?” I don’t have time for this today. I should have called in sick. Yeah that would have been good, at home, freaking out all day. “Jess!”

“What?” I turn.

She blinks at me and shakes her head. “What happened?”

I play dumb. “What happened with what?”

“Why are you upset? Are you ok?”

“I’m fucking fine!”

Whoa, I scared myself on that one. Dammit, I hate it when I get like this. Get all…crazy emotional spastic. And I only get this way when I’m completely lost as to why I’m upset. I mean, it really wasn’t a big deal, I know it’s not a big deal. I know that I shouldn’t expect much out of him after we just spent the night having sex. I mean we haven’t gone on a date. We just flirt, we made out once…we then had sex…

I like him. And he says he likes me. But we’re not in love. That’s not part of this.

Shit…

And maybe…maybe that’s the reason I’m freaking out. Maybe I want to be in love.
With him.

And I can’t lie to myself about that. I can’t deny that all last night, all this morning, every moment since I’ve known him has been questioning that one thing, if I could fall in love with him. And I can.

God, maybe I already have.

Beverly sighs and crosses her arms over her chest and gives me her best motherly look. She’s good at this, too. I can’t keep shit from her sometimes. “Look, if you wanna be down all day that’s fine, but don’t you think about bringing that attitude out on me when I don’t even know what the hell is going on.”

I look at the floor and say quietly, “I stayed at Justin’s last night.”

“Really!!” She squeals, loud, piercing. She’s beaming.

“Yes.”

“Oh my god...” She walks close to me and her eyes widen, “Did you…”

“Yes…we did, twice.”

“Then what’s wrong? Don’t even tell me it wasn’t good or something.”

“No, it was…” I smile. I actually allow myself to smile just for a moment. ‘Cause damn, best sex of my life doesn’t even begin to describe it. “It was perfect. It was…it really was amazing, not just that part, but just everything about last night, him.”

“So then…”

I growl in frustration over myself. “I don’t know Beverly! I’m just over thinking this. He was in such a huge rush this morning to get to work and we didn’t even have time to go back to my place so I could change clothes. He has some big meeting today with his owner and some big people at Foot Locket or something, and he was all freaked out about being late and he didn’t even like really say goodbye to me. He parked the car and ran inside and I was just left there looking stupid.”

She laughs and rolls her eyes and I wish I could look as happy as she is right now. What is wrong with me? I got laid. Twice. By the guy I've been lusting after for months. I need a sedative or a straight jacket. “He’s a guy, he’s dumb. You know he’s down there thinking how stupid he is, but he probably can’t do anything about it if he’s in a meeting.”

“But like I don’t even know where we stand. It’s like everything I’ve wanted has happened and now all that’s left is the aftermath.”

“It wasn’t an earthquake or something bad Jess.”

“But it completely shook up my life. Seriously Bev. I don’t know what I want anymore or what he wants or what’s left to do about all this. I don’t know if he’s coming up to see me today, or if that’s just it, it’s over with. I mean, thank god we left my car here last night or I’d have no way home tonight.”

“You’re going into panic mode." She leans against a rack of gift books we have. " I mean, I know you like him but you need to calm down. I hoped hooking up with him would make you chill out a little bit, but it’s just made you worse.”

“Dammit Bev he just left me out there in the parking lot without even…”

“Oh my god," she laughs and throws her hands up, “Calm down or I seriously am going to have to smack you.”

“I’m going to get my apron, I’ll be back.” I turn and walk back to the stock room door that’s closed. Right before I get to the door I hear, “Hannah’s back there.” I groan and look up at the ceiling before bursting through the door.

Hannah’s sitting at her desk, her wiry, mousy brown and gray hair pulled back into a bun that was probably pulled tight, but is now frazzled. There’s a girl who looks about 18 and all smiles and annoying sitting there in fucking navy slacks and a button down shirt like she’s at a business interview. “It says here you worked at….” Hannah looks up from the paper she’s looking down at and I see it’s an application, “Oh, hi Jess.”

“Hi Hannah…” I say. Great, new employee means she’s firing me. Finally. At this point, I wouldn’t mind it.

Her smug smile dissolves when she looks me up and down and she narrows her eyes, as if me standing here in my jeans is defying her power in front of a possible new little peon. “Why are you in jeans? You know that’s not dress code.”

“Look…” I sigh heavily. “I didn’t have time to go back to my place and change this morning so either I wear jeans or you let me go home and change.”

Her look doesn’t change for a while and she keeps narrowing her eyes at me as if she’s challenging me. Finally, she relaxes her face and folds her hands neatly over the notepad and application in her lap. The girl is just sitting there staring up at me with her mouth open. “Go home, change. I can’t have you being unprofessional. You can either stay an extra thirty minutes later or forfeit your lunch break.”

I smile tightly back at her silently, sarcastically thanking her for being so generous with her options. I walk out and pull the door closed, pulling it a little too hard so it slams a bit.

I walk back up front and look at Bev. “Who’s that…”

“She’s hiring someone new.” She shuts the register drawer and proceeds to get the register ready to run to start the day.

“Bev…”

She sighs and looks up at me. “Part time Jess, but ya know, maybe she should replace you. This place is driving you insane. He’s driving you insane. And that’s making me insane when I have to work with you!”

“Just shut up, ok!?” I yell at her. Yeah, I’m insane. Insane. Insane. Insane. I seriously feel just so out of whack right now. I snatch my purse and I need to get out of here. Maybe I won’t come back. Maybe I’ll just go home and not come back today.

She can hire that girl full time and I’ll just figure out somewhere else to work.

No…no…

I pull up on the gate and look back at Bev.

 

“I’m really sorry Bev. I promise when I come back, I’ll be in a better mood.” She just shakes her head and waves her hand at me like it’s no big deal. I’m glad I haven’t pissed her off too much. I seem to never be able to piss her off too much. I seem to always annoy her, though. But whenever I think about it, I’m always annoyed at myself, too. Sometimes I do things, act certain ways that are foreign to me, skittish and frazzled.

 

Great, I’m turning into Hannah. But maybe that’s just it. Hannah’s been in retail since she was 18, more than 20-- maybe even 30 years of it and she’s been working her ass off in malls and stores. And now she’s bat-shit crazy.

Maybe I’m just not the type of girl that can handle this shit. Maybe I want more out of life. I think about Bev and how she can stand it. I guess her boyfriend and her kid ground her. I guess she can look at it as just a job, not her life. They are her life.

And I have no life. The life I have is downstairs with some big wig corporate people. Maybe he’ll charm them enough so they’ll offer him a job and he’ll leave the mall, leave this town, leave me.

Then, I’ll either get over him and get my act together and figure out my life, or I’ll completely lose it and I mean really…lose it. I’ve put too much hope into that man.

I just need some fresh air. I need new clothes. And I’ll calm down. Maybe if I get a little breakfast or something, I’ll be good. That’s what I’ll do. Go home, change, get the smell of him and his fresh cologne off me…

Wait. No, that can stay.

Then maybe make a bowl of cereal. Not rush, take my time, but not lag. Then I’ll come back ready for my day. I’ll call Liz. I’ll see how she’s doing. She’d love to hear some good news and being with Justin, that’s…that’s good news for me.

I purposefully walk to the set of steps away from his store and go down them and out the bottom entrance where I parked last night. I hope my car is still there and not completely burglarized or anything. There are few people in the mall at this hour, employees and elderly walkers. They come here in the morning when the temperature is regulated, it’s dry, well lit and there’s security. Sometimes it’s cute seeing these old little ladies walking as fast as they can down the walkways and other times it’s depressing. Like when you see this one old man, who shuffles slowly with his walker up and down and up and down the mall. All by himself, chewing on his toothless gums, every fucking morning.

I walk out of the mall and into the brisk morning air that seems to tunnel here on the lowest level of the parking deck. I walk across the small road and into the parking lot to my dirty little car parked on the first row. At least it looks untouched. As if anyone would want a ’98 Nissan.

I get to my car, unlock the door and get in, pulling the door closed behind me. I sigh for a moment, letting it all out, letting myself regroup, before pulling my seatbelt over me and sticking my keys in the ignition. I turn my wrist.

And my car sounds like its puking. I try again, and the same thing happens, but it sounds like metal scraping.

When I try the third time, I feel tears press against the corners of my eyes and I relax my hand from the keys only to smack my steering wheel and yell, “Fucking shit!!!”

My horn beeps, just like his did earlier, whining and pathetic. And I realize how horrible of a day this is, how horrible I’ve made it for myself.

I could have called out to him. I could have said his name and smiled at him. I could have run up behind him and kissed his cheek and told him good luck. I didn’t have to just stand there. But I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know where we stood. I didn’t know what all this really meant for us. If there really was an us.

And now I’m sitting in my car, dressed “unprofessional” for work, with a confused mind and an aching heart.

And a car that won’t start.

 

Dammit, I can’t even get away from this place!

 

I can’t even leave. I’m stuck. At the fucking mall. Without him.

This really is hell.

Ya know, there’s been times in my life when I’ve thought to myself what an idiot, several times actually in the past few months….most of them about her. But today takes the cake. I could feel it this morning, her staring at me as I got into the hallway. The same eyes that were closed in ecstasy an hour earlier were burning into my spine. And as I walked to the other end I thought about it; turn around Justin, keep going Justin, turn around, keep going. 
 
And then I busted through the mall and I was there, late…and I was too late to go back to her.  Too caught up in my own pride to go back to her.  Which is just stupid.  Stupid!  I want her, I want to be with her and I’m acting a god damn fool about it.  So I went to my store, threw myself into my work, perfected the place, tried my damndest to get her and what we did last night and this morning out of my mind, and waited anxiously for my owner and the corporate guys to show up. 
 
They didn’t even show until 11:45…an hour and 45 after we opened, almost 3 hours after I had arrived at the mall. 
 
One minute, that was all it would have taken. I could have smiled at her, said something else to her, hell just not have pushed it and rushed. But maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe I’m just too sensitive because I like her so much, because…I more than like her…

 

I slept with her last night. 
 
It was…it was the best fucking night. And so of course I’m anxiously wondering if my distractions this morning made me lose her, or made her think bad about me.  I try to be cool with this girl, ya know?  I try to be myself and not get all spastic on her.  But she makes me crazy, fucking crazy sometimes.
 
Hell, she probably didn’t even notice my distraction this morning. She’s probably just at work, going through the motions, waiting until she gets off. 
 
But I know that’s not her. I know her. I know her and I know she’d want me to acknowledge her, especially after the past few weeks. With all the drama and the waiting and anticipation, and me being an idiot and being so obsessed with this work and this job which I really don’t even care about. This isn’t my career, ya know? Just a job to make ends meet until I get to do what I want to do. 
 
What do I want to do? 
 
Her. 
 
I need to stop treating Foot Locker like it's more important to me than business school, or Jessica.  Ya know, maybe fucking her last night was a mistake. Not in the sense that it was bad, ‘cause fuck if it wasn’t so damn sweet.  But dammit, she probably doesn’t even take me seriously now. She probably thinks that’s all I want from her. I do want that from her...and everything else. 
 
“So do you wanna go out?” I print out a clocked-in report off the registers to look to see how long some of my staff has been here today, before I clock out myself. I don’t look at the girl beside me. 
 
“No.” 
 
“Oh…” I glance at the flimsy piece of paper to make sure everyone’s in check before I leave. “It’s a group thing,” Dana adds.
 
I punch myself out of the system and then turn to the girl that’s been getting on my last damn nerve all day, fucking flirting with our owner.  She’s got a week, one week. Too bad she’s good as hell at selling shit. Flirting with the guy customers, making subtle comments about large shoe sizes. Still, I can’t have some little bitch flirting with me and saying shit about me to people. Like Jess. Like she already has. 
 
“Look, I’m seeing someone, ok?” 
 
“Oh, Justin I didn’t mean…” 
 
“Yeah…just…” I sigh and run my hands over my head as I brush past her behind the counter. I gotta get out of here. I keep thinking about where Jess and I were last night. How my hand was just on the counter where I was fucking her, how I’m walking where I fucked her on the floor.  Where she came hard and long.  “I’m taking off.” 
 
“Uh, bye.” I wave my hand at her, as if to wave her away. “Don’t forget to bring in a new phone.”

 

I stop. “What?”

 

“You told me this morning to remind you to get a new one, since this one broke.”  I eye her and she stares back at me. “Weird how the cord was just ripped.”

 

I wonder if she knows.  Hell, I don’t care.  I don’t care if they all know.  It doesn’t matter right now. 

 

I don’t speak to my employees. I dart out of there, forcing myself not to look at the bench where we started out last night, me touching her, fingering her hard. Her mouth…there. I run up the steps and straight to Jess’s store. I gotta fix this. I gotta let her know how much she means to me or I feel like I might explode. I want her to be mine, I’ll be damned if I don’t get it.
 
My heart’s racing by the time I turn into the store. Bev’s behind the counter like normal, but Jess isn’t. And my eyes blur at what I see and then overly focus on the scene in front of me. A guy, a big guy, bigger than me is there with his arm around Jess and she’s leaning into him, holding him tightly. 
 
Right… 
 
I start to furiously chew on my lips. I feel my jaw clench. You’ve got to be kidding me. This is what I get for not saying a proper goodbye. 
 
I walk up slowly and her eyes open a little and focus on me. She pulls back immediately and her face is drained of color. “Oh…hey.” 
 
Surprised, huh? I don’t know who this guy is and in a way, I don’t want to know. Not when she’s hugging on him like that. “Um yeah, hey...” 
 
She steps from the guy for a moment and crosses her arms over her chest. “What are you doing here?” 
 
“Well, I felt like an ass all day for doing what I did this morning, so I was finally able to break away and here I am. I was gonna see if you wanted to go out to eat, but…” I roll my eyes at her. I don’t know who this guy is and I don’t care at all. What can I do to a guy twice my size, who’s trying to look like he’s not staring at me by looking down at his phone? But he’s checking me out, as much as I’m checking him out. Who the hell is this guy?
 
I fucking ruined it and I should have known better. 
 
“Justin…” I shake my head and stare at her for a moment while she smiles slightly and touches the guy’s chest. I feel sick. “Justin, this is my brother Eddie.” 
 
I blink as he extends his hand to me. I still get sick, sick for being a dumbass.  I want to laugh but I know I’ll just sound like a freak.

 

“Oh…hi.” Relief floods me and it’s a weird sensation feeling all the anger leave me quickly. It makes my head feel funny. Then I realize her brother could kill me, especially if she’s told him how much of an asshole I was this morning.  And I realize how jealous I was in that moment, how new that feeling is to me.
 
“What’s up?” He nods at me and then looks down at Jess. “So you ready? I wanna get back to meet Cal at the gym.” 
 
“Oh um…” I stare at her as her eyes meet mine and I smile a little at her, trying to reassure her that I’m here for her and only her. She swallows hard before looking back up at her brother. “I’ll stay.” 
 
He scoffs a little. “I thought your car wouldn’t start, Jessica. Remember you crying and making me skip my last class?” 
 
“It won’t start and I’m sorry about that. But Justin can take me home and you can go out with Cal.” 
 

“How you gonna get it fixed?” 

Suddenly I’m being shaped up, stared at, and judged in a narrowed glance. I don’t think I pass his inspection.  Honestly, at this point, I don’t give a fuck.  I’ll deal with her giant brother.
 
“I told you I called dad and he’s gonna come over later and see if he can fix it himself. Plus you wanna go to the damn gym!” 
 
“Hey…” He raises his hands, “it’s not my fault your car is a piece of shit.” 
 
“Look, I don’t wanna argue right now Eddie.  Just go home. Thanks for coming out here, though. Sorry you missed your class.” 
 
“Yeah, yeah…” He waves his hand at her and twists his car keys around his hand. He pats me on the back as he passes by me and he says, “Watch out man.  She pms’es like fucking wicked witch of the west.” 
 
“Ass,” Jess calls out and he just leaves. I feel unusual and a little queasy. I’m back with her now, but dammit if I don’t know what to say. I want to touch her, flirt with her, kiss her cheek, her neck, put my arm around her and whisper something naughty in her ear.  But I can’t.   “I hate him sometimes.” 
 
I try to push all my nerves away and I step up and touch her forearm gently, “Hey.” 
 
“Hi.” She pulls her arm back, not forcefully but it’s enough to get the message across when she folds her arms under her breasts. 
 
I sigh. “I’m sorry about this morning. I really didn’t mean to dart off like that.” 
 
“It’s whatever. It was just the start of my shitty day so I don’t even care anymore.” 
 
“Jess…” 
 
She rolls her eyes and starts to walk back to the counter, pulling off her apron as she goes. I see that Bev is staring at both of us with a sly smile. I guess she knows. I guess that means she’ll be grilling me sometime soon about making sure I treat her well and etcetera, etcetera. “Let me clock out and you can take me home.” 
 
She punches some numbers into the computer register, not making eye contact with me as I stare at her. She then walks back around and brushes by me. I find myself following her like a lost puppy, back out into the mall, through the service hallway and back into the parking lot. Normally I’d be staring at her ass, thinking about last night, about how awesome it felt, how perfect she is. 
 
But I don’t think that now. All I think about is how she’s not looking at me, how I’ve fucked up. How I can’t let her walk away from me like this. 

 

She exits the hallway and I slam the door back as it’s closing in on me. I run up to her suddenly and grab her hand.  “Hey...stop.” 

 
“What?” It’s a biting tone. 
 
“I said I’m sorry.” I feel like I just got in trouble, at school, in 2nd grade. 
 
She sighs and when she runs her hands through her hair, I notice her fingers are shaky. “I’ve had the worst day, Justin. And it shouldn’t be like that. I should be happy because of last night, but I’m not…I’m not because I don’t know where we stand.” 
 
I lower my head to look at her eye level. “Where else would we stand?  We’re…we’re starting out right?” 
 
“You tell me Justin.” 
 
I sigh and slump my shoulders, looking up at the cloudy sky. “Dammit it all!  Last night was the biggest mistake. I should have never slept with you.” I rub my forehead and close my eyes for a moment. I’ve had a slight headache all day and now it’s turning into a migraine. She’s right. We should both be happy as hell today because of the night before, but instead we’re both wrecks. What the hell is wrong with us?  Maybe we built it up too much, maybe we waited way…way too long.

 

I should have made my move long before.
 
“What…” She says harshly after a few moments. 
 
Fuck. And now the words I want to say don’t come out right. Why is it with her, with the only girl that matters, I just…I’m a bumbling idiot? I’ve never been this way. 
 
I try to explain, “It’s just now that’s all you think I’m after, huh? You think all this time, all I’ve cared about was just fucking you a couple times, getting my thrills and then leaving.” 
 
She turns and shrugs, and says quietly, “I…I don’t know what you think,” while she walks the short distance to my car. God dammit! Why the hell can’t she see how much I like her?
 
How it’s so much more than that.  I want love.
 
I walk behind her and turn her around.  She goes willingly; she wants me to say the right things.  And I’m going to try so hard for her.  I put my hands on her shoulders and look down at her. Touching her is dangerous and I don’t care. She’s small and soft. And all I can think about is how her body felt next to mine in bed. 
 
“I think about you Jess, all the fucking time-- too much of the time. It’s like...I’m completely insane. And maybe after last night and this morning, after having so much of you, my brain just went crazy and I got a little obsessed with work.  Honestly the reason why I threw myself into it, why I freaked out about being late was because, well…”  I sigh.  I’m not doing this right.  “Ok, I had gotten you, right? Being with you was supposed to make me calm down.  It was supposed to make this obsession I’ve had for the past 6 months go away.  It was supposed to make me relax when it came to you, to be confident when it came to you.  But it just made me crazier. This morning I couldn’t stop it. I wanted you constantly. I wanted to touch you as soon as I woke up.  I wanted you in the shower, I had to hold myself back and it still didn’t work.  I wanted you while I was shaving and brushing my teeth and while I was dressing and even after you got on top of me and I had you again, I wanted you more.  And more.  I had to have my hands on you. I had to force myself to stop being so crazy.  The aftermath of making love to you Jess, it didn’t calm me down.  It didn’t settle my desire for you.  It made me out of control.  So I had to think about something else. I had to, or …or I might do or say something I can’t take back.” 
 
“Like what?” 
 
I drop my hands to hers and hold them, liking it when she lets me, when she holds them back. “Something that neither of us are ready to hear. Something that’s way too soon to say…” I look down at our hands, afraid of how her face might change at my words.
 
“Justin…” 
 
I sigh and turn to lean my side against the passenger door, finally needing to stare at her. “Shit Jess, it’s deep for me. It’s not just about having sex with you.  Maybe I let that take over a lot ‘cause dammit if I’ve never wanted a girl as much as I’ve wanted you. But it’s more than that, so…so much more. I have to be near you. I have to see you everyday.  That’s why I get candy everyday, not because I love it that much, but because of you.” 
 
She sucks in a deep breath and I stare at her mouth, “I just, I already felt kind of bad for forcing you this morning, but then when you just left me and didn’t even like, look at me or say anything promising, even just a “later” or something.  I mean you gotta understand…” 
 
“I understand Jess, but by the time I got downstairs it was too late. I was there, I was perfecting the store and anxiously waiting for them to get there. It…”  I laugh at myself, at how pathetic I was this morning, “Ya know, it wasn’t even a big deal. They just stayed up front and talked to the owner mostly. It was just stupid, them even being there. I made a mistake and I shouldn’t have treated you that way.” 
 
“I shouldn’t have made you late to begin with, though.  This is your job…” 

 

“But not forever. And so what?  Some things are more important.  You….you are more important than corporate anything or my job or really, shit Jess, anything right now. And this morning….” I smile at her and touch her face a little. She closes her eyes and I wanna be closer. I want to be on top. I wanna be back there, last night, this morning, not just to feel good and to get off and cum, but to be inside her, hearing her sigh and feeling her wrapped around me, all around me, holding me in her. “I wouldn’t want to give that back for anything.” 
 
“Ya know what’s sad?” I keep my hand near her and run it through her hair. “I was gonna say, ‘ya know if you didn’t work here, I probably would have quit long ago, because you are the only thing that I look forward to here’…..but part of me knows that’s not true.  I know that I’m scared of getting away from here, of pushing beyond the mediocrity. It’s easy, depressing and annoying, but it’s easy as hell.” Her eyes start to get watery and I see how stressed out she was today, how she’s been messed up this whole week with this weekend and Liz and then me disappearing on her and being an idiot. 
 
 I can’t handle seeing her upset when I know it’s partly my fault. I pull her into me and enclose her in my arms. 
 
Damn... 
 
"Hey...don’t be upset." I kiss the top of her head and sigh in the feeling of her arms moving around me. Her breasts are pressing into me. And I don’t want to be a pig, but I’d love to be with her in bed, naked. I don’t even have to be having sex with her. I just want to be with her like that, comfortable, happy again. "There...that makes it better, right?" 
 

“It really does...” I feel her breathe hard and then slowly, after a few long seconds, I can feel her cheek and mouth tighten into a smile against my chest. “Did we just fight?" 
 
"I guess." She smiles up at me and I smile back and then I pull back. "Jess I know we just started this. I know we both went nuts for each other and were stupid and waiting it out for forever, and then last night it all just kind of exploded. And I don’t care about taking this fast or slow ‘cause I want you. I...I can see myself falling in love with you. I haven’t felt that way about a girl in years. I want you to be my girlfriend and I'm not saying that we're at that stage yet, at love or whatever.  Hell I don’t even know how this shit works anyway." 
 
"You just wanna be able to keep having sex with me." She leans into me, looking up with a smile and it makes me feel so much better. This entire day is erased.  Well, not this morning; the work day is erased and it’s just me and her again. Nothing else. 
 
I laugh. "That's one reason, but I know it's more than just wanting you or wanting to hook up with you. And now you know that, too." She’s still smiling at me and I lean down and say close to her ear, "And now....now we get to make up." I move and press my lips against her neck. 
 
Now, now I want her. And I bet she can feel me getting hard against her. I move my hand down and cup her ass and open my mouth against her skin.

 

“Let’s go home, Jess.”

 

She mumbles into my shoulder, “What about my car?" 
 
Oh, yeah. Sometimes I really am an idiot. I had heard her brother say something about it earlier, but I was so concerned with fixing us, with how stressed she looked, that I paid it no mind. "What's wrong with your car?" 
 
She switches her weight a little and goes back to leaning against my Jeep. "Hannah wanted me to go home today and change from my jeans, but my car wouldn’t start. And it's more than just the battery being dead.  It sounds like it’s dying. But I don’t want to have to pay for a tow truck. I know I'll barely be able to pay to fix it. Dad said he might come up and look at it for me tonight." 
 
"Pete's good with cars, I can have him look at it." 
 
"Your friend?” I nod. “The one who gets you into trouble?" 
 
"Yes." I laugh. 
 
"Justin…I..." 
 
"I'm sorry about this morning. But let me make it up to you now, tonight, tomorrow, everyday as long as you'll let me ok? I can’t promise I won’t always be an asshole, ‘cause I have a bit of a temper and sometimes I can be grumpy as hell. But...god I don’t even know what I'm trying to say." 
 
Her hands fist in my shirt and she pulls herself so close to me. "Stop.  You don’t have to put this into words. I know. Let's just...start this." 
 
"How?" 
 
She smiles a breath away from me and mumbles, "Take me home," before putting her mouth against mine. I fumble into unconsciousness and pull her tight against me. I turn and press her back against the car and I don’t care if anyone sees. I groan against her and push myself into her hard as I rub my tongue against hers and suck against her lips. It’s frenzied and needy and I bet if we were alone, if we were really alone, I’d have her right against this car. 
 
She suddenly pulls back from me and grins, pulling my lip with her. I sigh and pant against her, "Can we eat first? I'm starving." 
 
She laughs and it’s loud and beautiful, "You'd rather eat food than have sex." 
 
"Oh…” I play the dumb guy and wink at her, “I didn’t know that was part of the ‘take me home’ plan." 
 
She shrugs and pouts a bit, "We should probably slow down. I mean we already did this this morning and last night..." 
 
"Never," I say.  I move my hands up against her body, over her breasts lightly to tease and up to her neck, pulling her mouth against mine, claiming her over and over, showing her how much I need her, how much I wanna go back to last night and this morning. 
 
And even though I know we’ll have shitty days where we both hate our work and probably accidentally take it out on each other, it doesn’t matter ‘cause she’s with me now.  She’s still with me now. I’m not letting her go anywhere. I’ve wasted too much time, and waited too long for her to let this end.  She’s calmed me down, freaked me out and calmed me down.

 

And through all this petty little drama, she’s still with me. 
 

 

The Stock Room 
 

Something vibrates against the side of my dick and makes me jump for a moment as I get out of my car.  The damn pockets on these slacks are too fucking big.  But dammit if that shit didn’t kind of feel nice. I slam the car door and lock it before pulling the phone out of my pocket and looking at the name lit up on the screen. 

 

Dammit.  If it had been her maybe I’d make some comment about it, maybe I’d ask her if she’d like me to vibrate against her.  Sometimes when I think up shit like this I think, ‘hmm, would she be up for it?’  Hell, she surprises me sometimes with what she's willing to do. 

 

Like last weekend she was at my place and I came in from Foot Locker and she just grabbed me right as I walked in the door and put her back against the wall and said "right here." And we did it on the floor right in the inside of my front door.  It was hard and cold and needed to be swept.  It was perfect and rushed and sexy as hell.

Or the time the other day when we were watching TV; we were watching a football game and she was kind of disinterested, just laying against me and before I knew it, she's rubbing me, then pulling me out of my jeans and sucking me.  Just like it was any other day, smirking up at me with those big brown eyes as her lips were around me, sucking off the head of my dick with a pop.

And sometimes, when we're sleeping in bed, I'm almost there, almost asleep and she’ll curl up to me, leg over my lap, her crotch against my hip and she'll start slightly rubbing herself against me.  "Justin..." she'll say. 

All I have to do is turn my head and kiss her...and we start up, and sometimes it's quick and sometimes it doesn’t finish until God knows when in the morning. And we both wake up, tired, grumpy, but with distant smiles ‘cause we know why we're both that way.

And she lets me surprise her, too.  Sometimes it's just me coming up and whispering something dirty in her ear, other times it's me putting my hand on her thigh, high up on her thigh when we’re out to eat.  Sometimes I just come up behind her at the house and cup her breasts and push my dick into her ass.  And she just goes quiet and shy on me, says, "Justin!" like she's shocked.

Yeah right she’s shocked.  She knows what she does to me.

 

But right now, it’s not her on the phone. It’s just Pete.

 

I flip the device open and bring it to my ear, “Hey.” 

 

I loosen the tie around my neck a little because the past thirty seconds have made my throat close in on me a bit.  My pants are feeling a little tight, too. I smile. All because of my girl.

 

“Whad up?” He says in his low, gravelly voice, a voice that screams, I had too much fun last night and now I’m paying for it. 

 

“Going to see Jess.”

 

I can almost see him shaking his head through the line. “You’re sick, man.”

 

“You’re jealous, man,” I mock his tone. It's true.  He wouldn't admit it to me, but I've known him for too long.  He's played this bachelor shit for too long.  He wants a girl, he wants a girl as fine as Jess, as cool as Jess.  That’s the thing about her.  She's cool as hell.  It’s not just that's she's fine and sweet and makes the sexiest little noises when I fuck her.  But really, she's funny and I can carry on a conversation with her better than I can with any other girl I’ve met.  And even though Pete hasn't admitted it, even though he's still making fun of me for having a steady girl, he likes her.

And Pete usually gets bored with seeing the same girl more than two times.  He hasn’t gotten bored of seeing Jess, yet.  He hasn’t rolled his eyes or made fun of her, yet.  In fact, the two of them gang up on me most of the time.  And that's actually a very good thing.

 

“Please, jealous?  You're talking to the man who fucked two different girls last week.”

 

“And I bet they were skank ugly.”

 

There's a pause and then a defensive, “They weren’t ugly…”

 

I laugh loudly, “So that’s a positive on the skanky, huh?”

 

“Shut up.”

 

“Just admit that you’re jealous that I got the flyest girl around.”

 

His scratchy voice cracks a little as he gets a little louder. “I like Jess, I do.  I just don’t know why you’ve suddenly gone all committed on me.”

 

“As opposed to before when I was depressed and lonely because she wasn’t mine.”

 

“You got a point there.  Well I was gonna see if you wanted to come out to Player’s tonight, but clearly you’re gonna be occupied.  Or should I say, you will be occupying her.”

 

“I’ll call ya if we decide to show.”

 

He laughs a little, “You mean decide to stop screwing for an hour.”

 

“Shut up.”  Now he’s got a point there.  It’s Friday night and even though I have to go in and manage tomorrow morning, she’ll probably want to stay up and hang out in bed.  And I don’t mind at all.

 

“Hey! I just call it like I see it.”  Pete chuckles a little and then says, “Later.”  I flip the phone closed and slide it back in my pocket.  It’s true though, he’s a jealous little fucker.

 

He told me last weekend when he was pissed drunk that he was jealous as hell I got a fly girl to love me.  Well, she doesn’t love me, not yet.  At least she hasn’t said it.  But damn if I don’t feel it…and I know she does, too.

It's gorgeous out today. And it's a good day too; a really, really good day, even though I'm strolling into the mall, even though I have to be here tomorrow in the morning. I tell you, working on weekends is still taking a lot of getting used to, and it cuts back on my free time like crazy, but at least it's only two days a week, sometimes three if I come in on Friday. And Sunday the mall isn't open but for six hours. It's amazing how fast it all happened, all of it. It's only been a few weeks.  A few weeks ago I was still slaving everyday away here, and now I'm just here on weekends, taking more classes during the day, getting out resumes and applications and going to interviews. 
 
I needed a big change in my life and I got it. And she did, too. 
 
I smile. It's her last day.

 

She put in her two weeks notice the same day I called my owner and talked to him about switching me to weekend manager. Kevin became the full time manager and he's doing a pretty good job of it now. Jess and I got together, and then all this came about. Hours and hours and days of laying around, mostly in bed, talking about ourselves and what we wanted. Finally, I'm not sure who it was who finally said it, but one of us said that we should finally do it, we should change, we should start taking the steps of getting out of the retail world. I had to push her at first, but then she started pushing me. 
 
And it all just happened. I convinced her to sign up for some classes. Nothing major, just a couple typing and word processing classes. They're all online. She's nervous, but I know she can do it. 
 
And she's taking a low level administrative position at a local law firm. I know she'll mostly be bored out of her mind filing shit, making copies and phone calls, but she'll be making twice as much as what she's making now and she gets benefits.  And she has the opportunity to move up, instead of here where you plateau at sales associate and miserably trek on until someone kills you or you kill yourself.

 

She starts her new job next week. 
 
And I'm proud of her. 
 
Sometimes I think if only we had gotten together sooner, if the day I met her I had gathered up the courage to ask her out and gotten her, we'd not have wasted all those month's pining over each other, wasting our lives away at the mall. But if it's what had to happen to get to this now, it's worth it.  

 

God, it’s so worth it.

We're not perfect. Far from it. I annoy the shit out of her sometimes and sometimes she takes things out on me when she gets upset and expects me to be able to read her mind. But I don’t mind, ‘cause she always apologizes and I know she doesn’t mean it. And she loves making it up to me. 
 
She loves, loves, loves making up. Hell, sometimes I thinks she makes us fight just so she can touch me and get me up on top of her. 
 
We're addicted. Pete’s right. It's sick. The guy who used to call me a pansy for not hooking up with chicks all the time, is embarrassed by us. I mean, we're not gross. We don’t grope in public. Well, unless we're drunk. But Pete has unfortunately crashed at my place a couple of nights when she was over.

 

And I guess he ended up hearing some things. 
 
I bite my lip to try not to smile. ‘Cause dammit if she's not a loud little thing. 

 

It’s all happened quick and fast.  And that day when she broke down, the day I met her brother, the day I was being a fool, we talked, we made up and I took her home with me. Later that night her dad called her cell phone and I ended up meeting him and we messed around with her car a little bit until we were able to get it working again.  Her dad seems to like me and is a lot less scary than her brother. 

 

But before he came up, when I took her back to my place, we started making out on my couch, hard and heavy, rubbing and trying to get any friction we could as soon as we got in the door.  I didn’t take it too far though, because I wanted her to make the move of undressing us. I didn’t want to push her anymore.  And all she did was pull back and laugh, and it made me fall for her harder than I ever had before just in that laugh.  She had tucked herself underneath me and I had asked her what was funny.  She never responded and I guess in a way she didn’t have to.  She was happy.  And we were really together without any uncertainty or questions. 

 

I was happy.  I still am.

 

To say we’ve spent every second together would be a lie, but we have spent most of our time together.  She stays over most nights, we sometimes try cooking together and usually end up ordering take out.  It’s not just about the sex.  It was never just about the sex.

 

But dammit if the sex isn’t out of this world.
 
I exit the service hallway close to her store and emerge in the mall. I told her I wouldn’t be able to come by today after my interview.  I told her I'd call her and let her know how it went. I lied. I wanted to see her, so here I am.
 
The mall is dead for a Friday afternoon and I stroll into Hannah's Gifts, scanning the aisles of candles and stuffed animals and figurines, looking for my girl. I only see Bev, behind the counter as usual, doing something. 
 
"Heylo Beverly..." I smile at her and lean against the counter. 
 
She glances at me for only a moment. "You look fancy today." 
 
I shrug, waiting for her to tell me where my girl is. "I had an interview." 
 
"Oh yeah I heard about it." She rolls her eyes and then laughs. "Non stop. About how it's gonna make you rich and you're gonna be able to buy a certain someone flowers and diamonds and dresses and shoes." 
 
I push myself from my relaxed position and stand straight.  I raise an eyebrow, "Really?" 
 
"She's turning into Elizabeth Taylor." 
 
I smirk and turn to look again.  She must be in the back. "I'll have to keep that in mind." 
 
"She was teasing. But good for you. How's the weekends treating you now a days?" She yawns and then moves to lean against the back counter, her arms over her chest, staring at me, clearly bored out of her mind. 
 
"Kind of sucks, my free time is less than zero now, but whatever. It'll be worth it." She nods and it's quiet for a moment. I stare at Beverly and she stares back at me. I didn’t think I'd have to ask, but I guess she's going to make me. She's already pulled me aside twice and grilled me on Jess like she's her big sister. It's cute, really. But fucking annoying as hell. "Soooo, how’s my girl doing on her last day?" 
 
She nods towards the back of the store. "I stuck her in the back, let her price some shit because I figured it's her last day.  No telling what might come out of her mouth and into customers’ ears now that she really doesn’t care anymore." 
 
I laugh. "Good thinking." 
 
"Sooo..." She mocks me, arms still over her chest, still staring at me.  

"I’m buying this," I say and plop a package of Reese's in front of her. I should stop. My intake on candy has died down. I'm sure my dentist will appreciate that. But sometimes I just have to let myself indulge. 
 
She waves her hand at me and pushes herself from her relaxed position and goes over to a box on the back counter and picks up an invoice. "Just take it since this will probably be the last time I see you ever again." 
 
"You're so dramatic," I laugh. "Yeah right. Maybe if Dwayne will drag you out of the house sometime I'd see you more." 
 
"You annoy me." She waves her hand at me in a fluttering motion but doesn’t look at me. "Go mess with your girl and get out of my face." 
 
"You're letting me go back there?" 
 
"Sure." She shrugs and then looks at me over her shoulder. "Hannah's on vacation because next week she has to come in and train this new guy..." 
 
"Guy?" 
 
She laughs and says with a lisp, "I can't wait, he's so fabulous." 
 
"I get ya." I nod at her, thanking her for the free candy before I start to unwrap my Reese’s and pull one to my mouth.

 

Thinking about my girl back in the back, all alone, that apron pulled tight against her…maybe this isn’t a good idea. I bite my lip and breathe deep before biting down on my candy. Fucking in a stock room is something I've fantasized about, but never done. Nah, she wouldn’t be up for it. It's dangerous, it's a work day, not late at night when no one else is here. Maybe I'll see if she's taken her lunch break yet and I can go take her to the backseat of my car and fuck her wild there. Make it all foggy and rocking...make her scream, but have to hold my hand over her mouth so it’s not too loud. Her little body squeezing me all tight and shit. Legs wobbly and banging into stuff in my car, trying to wrap around me, getting a bit of a carpet burn from the seat. 
 
I'm a pervert. 
 
Shit, and she loves it. She's told me. She's told me how she likes it when I get dirty with her. When I'm rough with her. She likes it all sorts of ways, slow and fast, hard and soft...any way I can give it. And I love her for it. I love it when she lets me do her the way I want.   Any way I want.
 
And then when she takes control....god fucking dammit....heaven, just heaven. 
 
"So go back there and surprise her. And keep it down. And if I knock on the door, please put your clothes back on before I enter. I might have to get a box or something for a customer." She laughs a little and even though I know she's joking, I think part of her is serious.  I think Bev knows how crazy me and Jess can get. I bet Jess has told her. Yeah, I bet Jess brags. 
 
"You think we'd be slutty enough to have sex back in the stock room?"  I say, chewing my Reese’s

"Ew, ew..." She turns up her nose and makes a fake gagging noise. "You just said sex to me and you're like...a child." 
 
“A year and a half younger Beverly. That’s the age difference here." I laugh out loud and shake my head. I have a half of a hard on right now and I need to get away from Beverly and near my girl so I can let it go further....even if it’s just a long, slow kiss, that's all I need. I'll save this one for her later. She can get home from work and ravage me. She already told me she wants to celebrate her last day with just me and her and nothing else...no clothes, nothing. It made me smile.
 
"Like I said," I hear her call out as I walk to the back, "A child." 
 
I stroll to the back of the store and when I get to the door I contemplate knocking, but then I smile to myself and turn the knob and go back as quietly as possible. It opens with the biggest creak and I know I've screwed my chances at surprising her. At first I don’t see her. I close the door behind me. The stock room is crowded and small. The stale smell of cardboard surrounds me and it’s cooler back here than it was out in the store. There's a desk with a computer and a cluttered open floor space and then three aisles of floor to ceiling shelves to the left. I guess she's down one of those rows, hidden. 
 
I smile. And I hear, "Hey Bev, we need to make a few more price stickers for this Demdaco product, ‘cause I ran out." I keep smiling and don't say anything. Moving until I see her, down the far aisle, back to me, reaching up to put something on a shelf, crowded around Styrofoam, cardboard boxes and a chipped beige painted old cart that's a barrier between us. It has all these little figurines of wire and wooden angels with no faces. It's creepy as hell. But she's fine as hell and her ass is looking damn good in those tight pants. 
 
I missed that ass this morning. I missed holding it under my hand at night. She stayed at Liz's last night. She said she didn’t want to distract me from getting a good night’s rest before my interview. Plus I think they wanted to go see some girly movie. They spend a lot of time together and I don’t mind.  I’m glad she’s got a good friend in a good girl like Rich’s wife. 

 

She's been looking for an apartment, Jess has. She's going to look this weekend. I told her I'd go with her, but she told me I needed to go to work and that she needed to do this on her own. Her brother might be going with her.  He’s a cool guy, kind of an asshole in that I’m the shit college guy way, and I know he’s not completely convinced of me yet, but Jess says he’s just giving me a hard time.

 

I suck on my thumb where a little chocolate has been left, and save the other Reese’s for my girl.  I stare at her tight little ass in those pants.  I find myself coming towards her and she still isn’t paying attention to me.

 

In fact, she’s clueless to my presence, but calls out, “Bev?” when I pull the cart out of the way, figurines wobbling on the surface. I slip past it and move to touch her.  She looks over her shoulder right when I dip in to kiss her neck.  I put my hands on her hips and she squeals a little in shock and flips around, eyes wide, chest heaving.

 

“Holy shit!  What are you doing back here?”

 

I cross my arms over my chest and narrow my eyes at her, playing mad.  She knows I'm full of it. “Well hello to you, too.”

 

“Did Bev tell you you could come back here?”  She puts her hand on her hip.  Dammit she's cute.

 

“Yes, and if she said no and I came back anyway, would you tell on me?"  I smirk and lick my lips at her. "Would you get me in trouble?”

 

She bites her lip in a shy way and I step forward and reach up with my hand to touch the side of her face.  She looks at me with the widest eyes and says in a whisper, “Stop it…”

 

“Why?”  I whisper back.

 

“Justin I’m at work.”

 

My hand moves down and I touch her neck.  She's got on a shirt with a pretty wide neck line, her neck exposed, warm and slender and a half of her shoulders are bare.  I stare at her neck and run my thumb over her voice box as she gulps. “I’m not doing anything…”

 

“Yes…you are…"  She's breathing hard now. And her hand comes up and covers mine.  I'm forced to stare in her eyes and she’s smiling at me now, trying to distract me.   "You know it.  How was your interview?”

 

“I think…I think it went really well.”  I smile and a mirrored one spreads wide across her face.  It's a big job, a much better salary than what I have at Foot Locker.  It’s for this really cool marketing company.  I really want the job.  Plus, it's here in town.  I wouldn’t have to move away...from her.

 

“Really?”

 

“They seemed to really like me.  They said they thought someone with some actual sales experience in the field would be helpful to their business or something.”

 

“Justin!" She beams and her arms go around my neck for a moment. She squeezes me and pulls away before I have the chance to hug her back.  I realize when I pull my arms down to hold her that I still have the plastic orange wrapper from my Reese’s in my hand. "That’s so great.”

 

“Want my other Reese’s?”  I ask and she gives me a funny look for a moment.  I guess it was random.

 

“Do I want your what?”  And then she leans in.  She smiles.  She nuzzles her nose right in the crook of my neck and then kisses me there, softly.  Just enough. 

 

Dammit she knows what she's doing.

Her hand moves down to mine and she pries the candy away from me.  She licks her lips before she bites into it and makes sure I'm watching as she does it. I crumble the wrapper in my hand and stuff it into my pocket.

 

“Jess…don’t tease.”

 

“Why not?”  She says with chocolate in her mouth, eating it slowly.

 

“’Cause we’re in your stock room.”

 

She looks around my shoulder for a moment, finishing the candy.  She swallows, smirks and stares right at me. “So?”

 

Are you serious, little girl?  It was a fantasy, just something to tease her with.  All I expected was maybe a quick tongue kiss from her.  And here she is giving me the look.  The fucking look!  I'm not letting this chance pass by.  This might be the last one we ever get.

 

“Well Beverly did say that she wasn’t going to bother us back here.  That she’d knock before she came in if she needed to.”

 

Her breath is a little more labored and she's closer to me now again, grabbing her hands in my shirt, whispering, “Really?”

 

She gets closer and her lips soon find mine. Her tongue traces my bottom lip and I lose consciousness for a minute.  She pulls back, just that slight, wet touch of her tongue is all she gives me, and then she stares at me.

 

“Wait…are you…” She bites the corner of her bottom lip and her eyes narrow slightly.  “Jess!” 

She still shocks me.  After a month of being together.  She still catches me off guard.  I fucking love it.  I mean, I didn’t think she’d be this willing.  Hell, who am I kidding, she’s as much as a pervert as I am.   “Are you serious?”  I smile at her.

 

“You’re not?”

 

“I just…" I blink, look over my shoulder for my own sake to make sure there’s no way anyone can see us.  I can’t even see the door from back here and the cart is blocking a lot of the aisle.  Beverly was joking about us, but maybe, yeah….just maybe.  Maybe part of her was serious.  I'll have to be quick.  Hell, she'll have to be quick.

But I can get her there quick.  And this might be fun.

 

I turn back and smile at her, letting any fear leave me, and letting my body indulge in desire.  I lick my lips at her and step closer.

 

"Ok.”

 

He's got my back against the cement wall. His hands frame my face and my hands grasp his shoulders.  His lips are all over mine, tongue tasting and licking.  He pulls back for a moment and reaches behind me, untying my apron and growling, “Fuck, I love when you taste like candy.” 

 

I duck as the neck strap comes over my head and the apron puddles on the floor. His hands are up, up my shirt and under my bra in a flash and his lips are on mine, crotch pressed tight, mouth mumbling against me, “Are you horny?”

 

I sigh as that mouth latches on my neck and I hold onto his upper arms for strength, support, something.  It’s sudden, unexpected, all of it, him back here, looking delicious, wanting me, hard even.  I don’t know where this came from or why, but dammit I need him in this stock room.  What can they do to me?  Fire me?  Go right ahead. 

 

I smile and whisper near his ear, “When I spend all my day at work, by myself, back here, in this cold stock room, pricing crap and doing mindless repetitive work, I can’t help it if my mind wanders to you…”  I let my hand move down his chest and abdomen and further, “And you…”  I whisper and I grab him lightly through his pants and squeeze.

 

“Shit…” is all he says in return.

 

Suddenly it’s a frenzy.  It’s often like this.  We’ll start off in the same room, just smiling at each other.  He’ll lean in for a peck and I’ll give it.  Then he’ll lean back in, deepen the kiss just a smidge, and before I know it, I’m rubbing against him, moaning, wanting it so bad I feel like I might die.

 

It’s sick.

 

And I love it.  Damn the cure ‘cause I want to be sick forever.  Fucking love sick over him.

 

His thumbs run over my nipples, under my bra and shirt, from where his hands are stuffed.  I shudder in response; good God what a light touch from him can do to me.  The past few weeks have been heaven.  It’s been better, so…so much better than I fantasized.  The sex, the laughter, the sex, the sweetness, the sex.  God, I’ve turned into one of those nymphos with him.

 

But honestly, I have so much fun with him when we’re in bed together, before, during, after…especially after.  He gets lazy, he gets silly after sex.  It’s a side of him I’m sure he hasn’t shown anyone else.  It’s special.

 

And when he falls asleep, breathing heavy with his arm draped over my side, I can feel his breath against my shoulder and neck, I can’t see him, but I can feel him and it puts me at ease.  I never have trouble sleeping in his bed.

 

We have yet to stay over at my place, well, my brother’s place.  I’m a big girl and I don’t care what my brother thinks, but I know Justin is slightly intimidated by him.  They get along, they play fucking stupid little video games together.  They have some on-going battle with some PlayStation shooting game that I’m totally not interested in.  I pretend to be, but usually sit there on the couch and flip through a magazine while they play.

 

It is cute to watch him get all excited about the game, though.  And that’s something I’ve learned about him.  He’s your standard guy; watches too many sports, spends a lot of time working out, drinks his fair share of beer, is obsessed with my breasts and ass…

 

And I don’t care.  ‘Cause dammit, the standard guy in this fabulous body and handsome face, shaken up with his smile and his laugh and how he makes me feel…it fits.  It’s perfect for me.

 

He’s not Prince Charming and I don’t want him to be.  He’s a normal guy and he’s mine.  All fucking mine.

 

I undo his belt as he starts pulling on his tie, getting it looser.  He looks so damn good today, too in his little dress slacks and button down blue shirt, making his eyes look like fucking heavenly spheres or something.  I know that’s cheesy to say, but he makes me this way.  He makes me crazy.  His tie dangles low around his neck, his sleeves are rolled up to his elbows, and I’ve got my hand sliding down his zipper.  My hand slides in. 

 

I smirk at him and touch him through his boxer briefs for a moment before searching for the slit.  His skin is hot and smooth…but fuck if he isn’t hard, hard as hell just for me.

 

He bites his lip and starts slowly thrusting against my hand…I just grab onto him, hold steady and let him thrust.  His hand grips my hip and I rest my upper back against the cement wall, breathing as he closes his eyes and his hand dips down…

 

Down in between, straight cupping my crotch, rubbing firmly against my pants. God he’s gotta stop or I might soak through.  My panties are wet and rubbing harshly against my body.  God, don’t just rub over my clit. It’ll make me crazy, he knows that. 

 

Shit…

 

I am crazy.

 

I use my free hand and pull up on his wrist and put his hands on my button fly.  I need more, so much more.  I need it now.

 

Fingers snap and pull and I sigh as his lips touch my neck.  My hand pulls out from his pants as he slips his in in between my pants and my underwear.  He hisses.  I bet he’s amazed how wet I am.

 

I can feel him, stroking me with that long middle finger.  His mouth opens, he’s going to say something to me, but before he can, I push him back, smile and turn around on him. My hands press into the cement, cold and harsh and I look at him over my shoulder, pressing my ass into his hardness in his pants.

 

“Do it like this…”

 

He stares down at my ass and then back up at me and shakes his head.  “God damn girl…” His hand immediately goes around me, back down the front of my pants, this time down below my soaked thong, sliding against me.  Fuck…fuck…fuck…

 

“You missed me last night, didn’t you?  Shit baby you’re so wet for me.”

 

I can feel his other hand moving.  I hear fabric down at the floor but I can’t see far enough over my shoulder and his face blocks my view.

 

Then I feel the cool air of the stock room breeze around my legs, his hand still against me, his finger pushing now, wanting entrance.  My pants are puddled at my ankles.

 

We probably look silly and ridiculous, both our pants at the floor, but dammit I don’t care.  He’s going to be in me, and he’s gonna do me from behind just like I want.

 

“Yes….yes,” I hiss at him as his finger slips in, deep immediately, pushing and rotating, feeling me out, making sure I’m ready in one steady stroke.  God he doesn’t have to make sure.  He knows.  He fucking knows!  “That movie we saw was so sappy and cheesy and romantic. I just wanted to come right to your place and fuck you all night, crazy and wild, never stopping.  But I couldn’t.”

 

“Why not?”  He asks simply, fucking me with his fingers now, two of them in, palming my clit.  Making my head feel like it might explode, making that ache deep in within me pulse and spasm like a looming volcano.

 

He makes me feel fucking volcanic.

 

The side of my underwear gets hooked into his free fingers and suddenly it’s being slipped down to my thighs and then falls the rest of the way.  Fuck!  It’s cold back here.

 

The reality of what’s really going on hits me.  Oh my God, I can’t believe I’m really doing this.  I bite my lip and press my forehead against the cool cement. “I don’t know.”

 

His fingers leave me and I whine.  But I know what’s coming by the sound of his voice.  I know he’s about to give it to me.

 

“You can always come over if you want me, Jessica.  You don’t have to hold it in, girl….”  I can feel it.  Oh fuck, his soft, smooth head presses into me, right into my flooded core.  I bite my lip, I can feel him press in.  “Shit you don’t have to be aching…” 

 

God.  He presses in.

 

He goes all the way, quick, sudden, and then stops, buried deep.

 

God.

 

 “Does that make it better?”

 

My hands curl into fists against the cement and my back dips, ass pressing against his crotch, sucking him deep.  I can’t breathe.  I feel weak.  My nails pinch into my palms.  “Justin…”  I whine, and it barely comes out.

 

His arms are around me in a second, his cheek against my shoulder, whispering in my ear as he pulls back out and pushes back in, “Shh, I know.”

 

He does know, he knows how deep he gets, how intense it is to me.  And I should have known better.  He gets almost too deep this way.  He touches my spot, where all the ache comes from and the need and desire.  He presses it, makes it worse and better and crazy all at once.  He makes me more insane than I’ve ever been.  And I’ve always been a little bit of a crazy girl.

 

“What’s with us,” I manage to gasp out as he keeps pulling out and pushing back in, not with any real rhythm, not fast or slow, just doing it ‘cause it feels fantastic.  “Why are we like this?”

 

I can feel him smile against my shoulder and I gulp as his hand moves down below my belly, in between us.  He does this sometimes, not only to touch my clit, but to feel us….to feel him in me, to feel my pussy soaked with him buried in it.  I squeal at the intensity and look down at his hand coming up from in between us, rubbing onto my bare hip. Holding me steady there and pulling back. “Like what?”

 

“Rabbits in heat.”

 

“’Cause…”  He stands up straight instead of leaning against me and I bite my lip hard because I know what’s coming.  He’s gonna fuck me good now, holding my hips steady, speeding up with purpose.  “I want you, and you want me….and knowing that just makes us want each other even more.”  He stops talking for a moment to groan and push in, holding it, pulling out almost all the way and ramming back in, “I told you the other night when you were riding me….”  He pulls back out, “We’re making up for lost time.”

 

“You like it when I ride you…”  He pauses, hands gripping my hips hard.  “Don’t you?”

 

“Yes….” He rams in.  Hard, fast, all the way.  “And you like it when I do this…”

 

“Fuck…” He starts fucking me, quick, hard, and I have to hold my breath as he keeps pressing and pressing deep, so fucking deep.  

 

Then he stops.  He pulls out, I gasp.  He didn’t come.  I didn’t come.  Wait…  I turn and look over my shoulder, twisting my body, pleading with him, “Justin. No, don’t stop.”

 

His lips are on mine in a minute and he’s got me twisted back around, my back against the wall.  He presses his forehead against my own. “We’re crazy you know that?”

 

“And?”  I say to him, running my hands up his chest.  I wish we were really naked, all of us, so I could touch more of his skin, so his lips could travel around my breasts…  But this will have to do for now.  His dick is hard and slick, hanging in the air, pulled out of his underwear.  I smirk at it and stare up at his face.

 

“And I wanna see your face, Jess.  I need to be able to kiss you.”  He pulls back and looks around him for a moment and pats one of the metal shelves beside us.  “Can you sit here?”

 

I nod and his hands grip my hips. “Yes.  What if Beverly co-”

 

He picks me up promptly, easily and perches me on the edge of the shelf. The metal is cold against my ass and I giggle as he rapidly shuffles towards me and starts slipping off my Sketchers and pulling off my pants and underwear from around my ankles.  I can’t believe I’m naked from the waist down back here.  “I’ll cover you.  She won’t.  And if she does…  Hell Jess, she doesn’t care.  It’s your last day.  She doesn’t care what we do.  She just knows we’re happy.”

 

I latch my arms around him, pulling him close, “Are you happy?”

 

He laughs a little and I can feel him, pulling himself closer to me.  I can feel him down there.  “That’s a stupid question and you know it.”  We both look down and watch as he guides his dick towards me and slides in slow this time.  I gasp and look up at him.  He holds me and he kisses me fully.  It’s not as rushed now, it’s intimate.

 

And I can’t stand it.

 

“More…please Justin…”

 

He stops and pulls back from me a bit, still deep within, but his arms aren’t around me. His eyes search mine, “You want this rushed?”

 

I clutch at his shoulders and feel him pulse in me.  His mouth is open, he’s breathing hard and god I want him, I want him so bad.  I have to have him. Now. All of him, cumming so deep in me.  I need that.

 

I’m panicking. “It has to be,” I rush out breathless, pulling him towards me again. “When we get home we can take our time.”

 

His arms are around me, one around my waist and lower back and his other arm is around my shoulders, holding onto my head, holding me sweetly.

 

“Ok…ok…”  He says and starts thrusting slowly, very slowly, in and out.  He kisses my temple and says softly to me, “Shhh…just breathe and feel…”

 

He knows me.  He knows me so well.  After all this time he knows me.  Hell I think he knew me that first day, looking straight at me over the counter.  He knows what I need, when I need space, when I need him to hold me, when I need him in me, when I need him to stop, when I need him to make me laugh and when I need him to be serious with me.

 

This is serious.  So serious. 

 

It was three nights ago...three fucking nights ago.  We were lying in bed, it was late, my eyes had been closed for 30 minutes, he had the TV on low, so, so low.  I was curled up to him, my head against his bare chest, my left leg over both his.  I was warm in his tee shirt and under his covers.  I was relaxed.  But I wasn’t asleep.

 

I wasn’t.  I probably seemed that way to him.  His fingers were mindlessly playing in my hair.  It was silent except for the low, dull murmur of the TV.

 

And he had said it.  Whispered, quiet, almost mindlessly, as if he didn’t realize he had said it, “I love you.”  I had to control my breathing, my smile.  Everything.  I knew if I smiled against his chest he’d feel it and know I heard him.  I forced myself to keep my breathing even. 

So long I had waited to hear those words from a man and to have it said by him, my man…my man I’ve been needing for months and months…  My body laid still but my mind exploded.

 

When I woke the next morning I wondered if it was a dream.  I thought maybe I had heard it in my head.  Maybe it wasn’t real.  I still wonder if I had made it up myself.  If I had made myself think to hear something I needed.

 

It’s too soon, much too soon for him to feel that way.

 

But I feel that way.

 

And as he moves his arms both around my waist and I clasp mine around his neck and hold him tight, feeling his heavy breathing against my neck and shoulder as he speeds up, as he fucks me… No, no.  Fucking was against the wall moments ago, this, now is different.  It’s beyond all other things.  Even half naked, ridiculous, silly in the damn stock room on my last day at this hell of a store, it’s so much more than fucking.

 

“I love you…”

 

I can’t help it.  I can’t fucking help it and I don’t care that I said it.  I don’t care that I let it slip out.  I need him to know I feel it, too.  ‘Cause…’cause he feels it.  I know it. I can tell myself it was a dream, I can tell myself he didn’t say it, that I just heard those words in my head.  I can let fear and panic and obsession rule me like it used to.  Or I can give in.

 

So I give in.

 

“Jess…”  It’s shocked, excited when he whispers my name.  He pulls away and I pull him back to me.  I can’t have him stopping even though I know he wants to talk about it, to ask me if I mean it.

 

“Please, don’t stop.”  I can’t have him stop.  It’s too perfect of a moment.  I close my eyes and kiss his neck.  I can feel his smile, beaming, bright against my shoulder.  He speeds up.  He gets us there quick, arms around me, holding me perfectly.  I pull my legs up around his torso.  They ache; they’re tired and will be sore the rest of my fucking day here, especially having to stand on this hard floor.  And I do not care.

 

I lock my socked ankles around his back and moan aloud his name as his dick hits my spot harsh and rough.

 

He moves his head so he can look at me, his one hand holds my cheek and he smiles, saying quietly, “You can’t scream, ok?”

 

“Ok…”  I nod and he sears his mouth with mine, kissing me furiously as he moves within me over and over and over again, pounding me as I rock back against him.  It’s there.  It’s coming.  We’re coming and there’s nothing to do to stop it.  He growls from within his throat and I clutch his shoulders with my hands and kiss him wildly, trying to suppress my need to scream with our kiss.  I kiss and kiss and kiss him trying to kiss out my orgasm, but fuck… it lasts and lasts…every jerk and thrust and powerful spurt from his dick just keeps me going and I can’t breath, I can’t stop.

 

I rock against him over and over again until his lip is stuck, sucked between my own and he’s breathing hard and I’m whining against him.  I let his lip go and he pulls me close against him as my body slows its rocking.  My hands relax, my body collapses against his, and I whine and pant against him. 

 

Shit.

 

It’s suddenly silent, the insanity in my mind leaves. I feel peaceful and tired.  And my mind is still. It’s amazingly quiet besides my heart beating in my ears and his breath panting so hard I can hear it.

 

I hold onto him tight as I force myself to calm down.  My body jerks with aftershocks and every time he says, “ohhh,” loudly and then softly begins to chuckle deep from within.

 

Finally, I calm down, but he doesn’t stop laughing. 

 

“What?” I ask.

 

He pulls back and says with lazy eyes, “I guess this is our last time fucking in a store.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Well we started doing this in my store, and we end here…”

 

For a moment my mind panics, even though I know I’m being stupid and silly.  I widen my eyes and ask cautiously, “End?”

 

“Jess…” He sighs and bites his lips, looking around me for a moment before shaking his head and looking straight at me, “If I get this job I won’t have to work at Foot Locker any more, and this is your last day here.  We’re done with it girl!”  He’s smiling, he’s excited and then he smirks at me in an arrogant manner.  It’s that smile, that smile he always gets after we have sex, that cocky ass smile that sometimes makes me want to do him all over again, even though I’m spent and exhausted.  “It was nice to finish it off with a bang.”

 

I smile back at him and say, “I’m not done with you, though.”

 

He kisses me and says close to my mouth, “And I’m not done with you.” He kisses me again.  And again, exploring my mouth like he has so many times, deepening the kiss to ridiculous proportions, taking my breath away, kissing me until I can’t stand it anymore and then pulling away and saying in a whisper against my lips,  “Jess, you said…”

 

“I know.”  I cut him off quickly and push at his chest, letting him know he needs to get out.  He does, he pulls out and I sigh at the last stroke I get from him for a few hours.  I know I’ll want him again tonight.  That’s just how I am with him.  Crazy and in love. He doesn’t mind. 

 

“And I need to get dressed and finish this stuff.” I nod to the pricing gun that’s on the cart beside us.  “And you need to not go out there looking like you just got laid or you might horrify Beverly.  I know she doesn’t care, but she probably don’t want to think about it.”

 

He smiles and nods and tucks himself back into his underwear and pulls up his pants.  “You’re staying with me this weekend, right?”

 

“If you want me to.”

 

He smiles and picks up my thong and dangles it in front of me.  I snatch it from him and pull it up to my knees before hopping off the shelf and pulling it up the rest of the way.  I feel wiggly and unbalanced.  “Just come over when you get out of work.”

 

“Ok, I might be late…”  I step into my pants and watch him as he starts to tuck his shirt back into his pants.  His clothes are a little wrinkly now and there’s no way that Beverly is not going to notice.  And she’s gonna annoy me about it the rest of the day.

 

But I don’t care.  Being reminded of this moment, as if I could forget, for the rest of my last day here is a perfect way to end my sentence here at this hell hole.  “Remember my car’s back in the shop, so Eddie is chauffeuring me around.  I can have him drop me off at your place.”

 

“No…” He shakes his head and starts to tighten his tie back up a little bit.  It’s funny how we’re so normal now, when a minute ago we were cumming hard and silently into each other.  “Just go home, and I’ll come pick you up about six, maybe we can go out on a date.”

 

I finish dressing by slipping my shoes back on and I sigh and look up at him.  He’s smirking again, leaning against one of the shelves.  We just stare and I can’t help it and I start to giggle. “Justin...we just fucked back here.”

 

“I know….”  He smiles, steps closer and touches my cheek softly,   “I’ll see you tonight…”

 

He can’t just leave, yet.  I need another minute or two, that’s all I need.  I reach up to his hand near my face and hold it in mine, bringing them down by my side. “I’ll walk you out.”

 

He bites his bottom lip and lets me tug him out through the stock room, out of the door and down the aisle towards the registers.

 

Beverly is looking down at her nails and doesn’t notice us until we get closer.  She looks up and stares at us for only a few seconds before waving her hands about, “Oh my God.  You’re disgusting.  Both of you.”

 

“What?” I say to Beverly, narrowing my eyes at her, smiling.  She can see right through us.

 

She crosses her arms over her chest and leans back against the counter, “You look like you’re up to something.  And you didn’t come in here with pink lips Justin.”

 

I smile up at him, realizing a little of my lip gloss has smeared.  Plus I’m sure both of our mouths are red and swollen.

 

I say, “Yes, a new nick name!  Hello, pink lips.”  Pete loves that about me.  I always pick on Justin and have a nick name for him.  I’m not like this in private, but it’s my way of flirting with him in front of other people.  It’s childish I know,but he says he likes it when I tease him. 

 

He says he really likes it.

 

“Dammit Beverly,” he squeezes my hand, but sighs like he’s annoyed. “Don’t encourage her.”

 

“Encourage her to do what?”

 

“Oh nothing…”  I say dramatically and turn to  him and point in his face. “Don’t be late tonight. I get anxious, always afraid you got a better offer.”

 

He swats my hand away and laughs, “Late? Me? Never.”

 

“Yeah,” I roll my eyes. “Or you might freak out.”  I still pick on him about the day after we had sex the first time.  He told me he deserves it.  I do it to keep him on his toes.  Plus, whenever I pick on him too much he makes me pay for it later.  Later…

 

“I told you to stop picking on me about that.”  I giggle and poke him in his stomach.

 

“You’re both…”  Beverly says as he grabs my hands to get me to stop poking.  We look at her and she turns up her nose, “…gross.”

 

“Come on Bev, you can’t tell me you and Dwayne don’t joke around.”

 

“Yeah, we joke…”  She rolls her eyes sarcastically. “All the time.  I don’t have time to joke.  I have a kid.”

 

“You’re so brutal.” I shake my head and Justin turns and leans against the counter across from Bev. 

 

She looks up at Justin, “I guess this is the last time I’ll see you for a while, huh kid?”

 

“Bev, come on, come out with us sometime.”  He shrugs.  “Get a babysitter. Hell, bring the tater tot along.  We’ll have a blast.”

 

“Tater tot?” I question and look at him. God, he’s a fucking dork.

 

“Great, thanks Justin.” Bev groans.  “Now I’m hungry.”

 

We all laugh and I realize this is the last time for this, for him coming in here, for me and Bev talking with him.  I mean, it’s not really sad because I’m moving on, he’s moving on.  Both of us onto better things.  Much better things.  But this is where it started.  And now this is ending, my life here is ending.

 

And it’s a very, very good thing.

 

“Ok ladies, I’m leaving. I’ll see you soon Bev, if not I’m just gonna show up randomly and buy you the, “You are my best friend forever,” Precious Moments figurines.”

 

“Aww you’re sweet.” She laughs and I move to put my arm around his small waist.  I’m trying to hide the giddiness I can feel exuding from me and the flush I can feel in my cheeks.  I’m trying my damndest to not make it so obvious that we just had sex.  But I’m not used to, “wham bam,” moments with him.  I’m used to the wham, and then the laying around and talking forever afterwards.  It’s weird to have him leave me this soon after we’ve done it.  But I know I’ll see him in a few hours, and I know we can make up for it then.   

 

Bev then says, “Ok stop, I really think I might throw up.  Stop hogging my co-worker on her last day!”

 

“Ok ok…” I smile as he smiles at me and he wraps me in a huge hug, squeezing me tight, a promising hug, a ‘later…we’ll finish this’ hug.  I know he’s going to ask me about what I said back there.  I know I’m going to have to say it again. 

 

And I can’t wait.

 

He pulls back and leans in to kiss my forehead. “I’ll see you later, lady.” I just stare at him like he’s fucking Santa Claus or something.  And dammit if I don’t feel like its Christmas morning.  I got him, I fucking got him and that’s the best gift ever.  He narrows his eyes a little, “What?”

 

I smile and shake my head. “Nothing.”

 

He smirks again and winks at me, saying softly, “Bye babe.”  He holds my hand until he’s too far and my hand drops from his.  He waves at Beverly and walks to the front of the store.

 

I sigh. 

 

“So am I gonna have to disinfect back there?” I stare at him as he walks out of the door, turns and disappears from my view.  I start to smile and I can’t stop.  I’m sick.  Really, I am.  “Jess…Jess!”

 

 I blink and turn to Beverly, “Hmm?”

 

She waves her hands about and lets them smack back against the counter, “Ok, what is with you?  You’re worse now than you were before?”

 

“Before?”

 

“Before you were dating him.  Now that you’re together you’re like, weird and shit.” I shrug and grin at her.  And she groans immediately, “Oh god, you’re like in love or something, aren’t you?”

 

“Yeah…” I say and look down and realize I don’t have my apron on.  God we’re so obvious.  “Or something.”

 

“I should have never let him go back there.”  She groans and I just laugh at her and turn.  I walk slowly back to the stock room to get my apron and finish my project.

 

And just like that my life in retail hell is over.  In fact, the past half hour or so I could call it retail heaven.  I know the rest of the day I’ll be in a daze. I know it won’t be until I see him again that I’ll be knocked out of this fog. 

 

He does this to me.  And I don’t see it stopping any time.  And it’s funny really, as much as I’ve hated, cried, panicked, and been made frustrated and annoyed by this place…it gave me him.  I’ve learned a lot since I’ve been here, about myself, about idiotic people. 

 

But mostly I’ve got him.  I never wanted my life to be obsessed or ruled by a man. And for a while I let him take over.  But now, now that I really have him, it’s more.  It’s so much more. It goes both ways, it’s a need and a desire.  It’s comforting and its home.

 

He started out as just a candy man, a man in stripes obsessed with Reese’s and now he’s mine.  All mine.

 

And instead of anticipating every 10:45 of every Monday through Friday morning, I anticipate every moment.  I gave in, I gave up, all to him.  And he did the same with me.

 

I couldn’t be happier.

 

And I deserve to be happy. I’ve craved it for so long.  And now, now finally, I’m satisfied.