There was nothing that I wanted to do after a brutal day at work other than go home, take a hot bubble bath, and relax in front of my brand new plasma TV with left over pork chops and potatoes my neighbor made for me but that would be way too easy (and my life is anything but). As soon as I put my key in my front door I heard the barking of the beasts caged up in my kitchen and the annoying blare of my house phone inside, and of course I couldn’t get to it fast enough; my key broke in the lock when I tried to juggle the grocery bags and my work bag and unlock the door to get to the phone. My machine picked up and I dropped the bag with the carton of eggs when I tried to jump over the gate to pick up, incase you were wondering.

“You’re probably looking for Alana, this isn’t her obviously, but it’s her phone. She’s probably being too lazy to pick up, but I’m sure if you leave a message she’ll get back to you eventually, and I say eventually because I never get my phone calls returned that often and we’re best friends…”

“LaLa, where the hell are you? You know, I never get tired of hearing my own voice on your machine but you’re not picking up your cell or the house phone and I’m beginning to worry that…”

“Hello?” Fuck the eggs and the mess they just made of my kitchen floor. It’s been a while since we’ve spoken and I have a bone to pick with the man on the other end.

“There you are. What’s going on?”

“We normal people have day jobs Justin and we don’t have a PA to do our grocery shopping for us, I’ve got to eat somehow. And I was just making my way in the door when you decided to call.” I opened up the gate separating my kitchen from my living room and stepped aside as the two massive beasts went charging towards my bedroom, it was only safe that I followed after them.

“I called your cell a few times.”

“I think I left it in my desk at work. I rush around too much now that I have to rely on the NJ Transit to get me around.”

“You need to look for a new car LaLa, I don’t know if I like you taking the city bus around Jersey at all hours in the night to get around. Anyways, I’m calling to see if you got the gift I sent you.” Funny he should mention that, because that’s exactly what I wanted to talk to him about. I glanced over at the Dell box that was sitting in the corner of my bedroom and rolled my eyes.

“Yes I got it Justin. You didn’t have to buy me a new laptop though. I don’t need you spending your money on me all the time. Next time you want to give me something, donate money to my school for new books or something.”

“First of all Alana, I think I sort of did have to. If it weren’t for you watching Buckley and Brennan while I’m on this leg of my tour your laptop from 1980 wouldn’t have gotten busted. They are my dogs and they knocked your old shit on the floor; I think it’s only right that I bought you a new one, one that you can actually bring places with you and not have to worry about it blowing up in your lap.”

“Whatever, you didn’t have to; I could have bought my own.”

“Oh, and if you want money donated to the school for books and computers all you had to do was say the word. And how have you been inputting grades without a computer?” I hate the fact that he’s always right, I was having a hard time keeping track of my student’s grades without my grading program; I suck at math and hate doing everything out by hand (good thing I’m an English teacher, right?)

“The old fashioned way, a grade book. Shouldn’t you be in rehearsal now or something?” I heard a loud crash from the front of my small house and winced as I walked down the hall to assess the amount of damage his “babies” were causing to my living area.

“That my babies making all that noise? Damn LaLa I’m sorry if they’re fucking up that little shack of yours, I’ll pay for whatever they break.”

“How many times have I told you not to insult my house? Look I’d love to chat but I’ve got to go Justin, and I’m sure you do too.”

“I don’t have to go and I’m sure you don’t either, it’s not like you have a date or something to get to.” I chose to ignore the last comment he made; Justin was always getting on my case about not dating. So while I was ignoring his dating comment I paid attention to the yelling in the background.

“Yeah I bet you don’t have to go, which is why I hear your tour manager yelling at you that you’re late for sound check. Call me tonight after the show okay?”

“Shouldn’t you be in bed by the time I get out?”

“I’ll be up Dad, I promised my AP class that I’d have their papers graded and handed back by tomorrow.” I heard him chuckle on the other end before telling the person who was standing in his room to ‘quit bellyaching’.

“Good luck with that Alana. Talk to you later.”

“Bye Jay, make me proud to be your best friend tonight. I want to hear good reviews from critics in a few days when I get my US Weekly in the mail.”

“Oh you know it baby. Don’t I always turn it out for you?” I couldn’t get in another goodbye because Buckley chased Brennan into my sliding glass door and which made them start fighting.

Justin Timberlake and I have been friends since he was 18, and since he’s now 27 that makes it about 8 or 9 years, I think (I told you, I teach English not Math). Coincidentally we got paired up at my Uncle Johnny’s (who just happens to be his manager) wedding to walk down the aisle together. If you know anything about weddings that meant that we had to spend a lot of time together and between pictures, dancing, and everything else we formed a pseudo friendship for the pictures (and I say pseduo because we didn't exactly get along all that well to begin with), and to make Uncle Johnny happy as well, that turned into us being extremely close friends. Hell, we’re close enough that he can go away on tour for three months, get tired of lugging his two bad ass dogs with him, and dump them off on me. But I can’t really complain because he’s done some pretty over the top things for me in the past.

Most of my friends have these extravagant jobs and I’m a lousy high school English teacher for bad ass 16 and 17 year olds; Justin is this superstar who makes millions of dollars a year, Noel (my childhood best friend) is a lawyer in Manhattan who was on the verge of making partner by 26, and my brothers (who are two of the most influential people in my life) both are over in Iraq in the Army. So while Justin is out entertaining the entire world, and Noel is putting murderers where they belong, and Jimmy and Isaac are fighting for…well we won’t start on my opinion of what they’re fighting for, I’m stuck in New Jersey, far away from home, reading MacBeth over and over and teaching kids about syntax, diction, and more meaningless literary devices they’ll never use.

I grew up in a small town in Connecticut with my mother and two brothers; Dad and Mom divorced when I was 3 and Dad moved back to Laconia (New Hampshire) where all of his family is, and I was never really exposed to a lot of the glamour that everyone is so into today; I was always the girl in the jeans, tee, and sneakers during high school. So when my Uncle Johnny invited me to his star-studded three million dollar wedding I was definitely surprised that the Justin Timberlake (insert sarcasm here) was my butt buddy for the week long event Uncle Johnny and Aunt Elaine had planned. Who has week long weddings anyway?

Don’t even get me started on weddings, I hate them. Maybe it’s because of the fact that I haven’t had a good man in 4 years and I’m pretty sure that I’ll never get married. You know the saying “always the bridesmaid, never the bride”, well whoever first said that must have known that I was going to be born into this world. Every guy I’ve ever dated has broken us off because ‘we’re better off as friends’ or ‘you’re too much like one of the guys’ (with two older brothers can you blame me?). Fuck love, fuck relationships. I may complain about my job a lot, but I love my students. Besides my friends and family they are the only ‘relationships’ I need in my life to be happy.

The downside of my close relationships with my students is having to grade their damn papers when I tell them I will; you wouldn’t want to hear a group of twenty 16 year olds groan and complain either, would you? Usually grading their work isn’t so hard, but since I have my two new buddies living with me it’s gotten ten times harder to keep them out of the living room for the few hours while I proofread and grade.

From my spot at the desk in the corner of my living room I could see Buckley and Brennan’s heads peaking over the gate in the doorway of the kitchen, their eyes pleading with me to walk them. I made a mental note to rip Justin a new one for taking these dogs out at all hours in the night; didn’t he know I had a normal job to go to and couldn’t be bringing them out when they pleased?

“I’m sorry but no. It’s late and dark which is a perfect scenario for rapists and you two may look intimidating but your actions prove otherwise. I’ll bring you out for a walk in the morning before I go to work.” I’ve resorted to communicating with dogs, who can’t talk back, because I’m pretty much a loser. They whimpered and barked for ten minutes straight before I got fed up with the noise and gave in.

After a short walk around the block we made our way back in the direction of my house and sure enough when we got back in the house it was close to 12; I knew to be expecting a phone call from Justin who was down in Florida and was most likely getting on the bus to head to his next venue. When I finally got Buckley and Brennan settled in the dog beds Justin left for them I packed up the papers, my students were going to have to wait one more day for their grades, and headed back into my bedroom to watch TV and drift off to sleep. Just as I was about to go to sleep the cordless phone on my night stand started to ring.

“Hello?” I tried to sound like I was wide awake but I’ve known the man for 8 (or 9) years, he knows better.

“I told you. I knew you’d be sleeping when I called you. I tried to rush everyone to get into the buses so I could call before you dozed off to LaLa Land but I guess I wasn’t fast enough.”

“It’s alright. I just got in the house a few minutes ago anyways. I can afford to stay up a few more minutes to find out how your show went.”

“Just got in? Did you really go on a date Alana? Holy fucking shit, did you get some dick tonight?” Justin is always very blunt when it comes to sex, that man has no shame at all.

“No, your precious babies decided that they wanted to attempt to get their caretaker raped and beaten because their father decides to baby them and take them on walks at all hours of the night. So I had to take them for a walk to shut them up so I could work.”

“Do you want me to send my mom up there to get them?”

“No it’s fine.” I was hoping he heard my yawn and got the hint that I wanted to sleep.

“Well we’ll talk tomorrow maybe. It’s late and you need to sleep since I know you have to catch the bus at 6:30. Text me when you get to your phone so I know that you got to school safely.” I couldn’t help but laugh at the similar words my mother used to say to me when I was back in high school.

“Alright. Night Justin.”

“Night La.”

And the next morning I was up at the ass crack of dawn to get ready and catch the bus into the center of town where the high school I worked at was located; I really needed to get a new car. The 1989 Accord I’ve been driving for 5 years finally had its last hoorah and died on me three weeks earlier which wasn’t really convenient for me and my new situation.

“Hey Ms G, did you get those papers graded?” During 3rd period I turned around from the whiteboard I was writing the class notes on and frowned at Jamal, one of my best students.

“About that, I was going to wait until after our discussion but I guess I’ll let you guys know now. I’m watching my friend’s dogs while he’s away for a while and they’re a handful so I didn’t get much done. I’m going to try to get the rest done during my off period so if you want to check back before you leave school I should have them.” I laughed at the groans I received from them.

“This 'friend' better be giving you some good dick Ms. G if his dogs are keeping you away from your work.” Remember that close relationship thing I mentioned before? We aren’t that close, Jenny was just way too outspoken. She follows after Justin when it comes to being blunt, although sometimes I think she may have him beat.

“Whoa. Watch your mouth. And no, he isn’t my boyfriend for all of you nosy asses in here. Should we get started with today’s lesson? Take out your notes on the Grapes of Wrath from last night’s reading. I want to hear what you guys think about it.”

While we were discussing the reading I assigned them from the night before I heard the door to my classroom open but I didn’t turn my head to look. Everyone in my class stopped talking about the reading and looked at whoever just entered, which forced me to acknowledge them (I hate when people interrupt my class so I feel that if we ignore them they’ll go away) and was met with a big surprise.

“Oh my word! If it isn’t Juan Ayala! What are you doing here?” I hopped down from sitting on top of my desk and walked over to Justin’s wing man, and business partner, Trace.

“I’m in town on WR business and figured I’d stop by and say hi and maybe sit in on your class for a little while. We all know I could always use a refresher course in English.” I laughed as we pulled out of our hug. Grabbing his hand, I dragged him over to where I was sitting before and faced him to my class.

“Class, this is a good friend of mine, Trace.”

“Those your dogs that got Ms G. wantin to pull that pretty hair she got out of her head?” Trace laughed and looked at me; he knew how bad Buckley and Brennan got when Justin wasn’t around to baby them.

“No, those monsters belong to our friend Jay. And before I forget, this is yours, courtesy of Jay himself for being so kind and keeping those demon dogs for a while.” He pulled a small black box out of the bag he was carrying and handed it to me. Everyone in my class sat up straight in their seats to see what gift I had gotten from Justin. Hell I was curious myself. When I opened to box to reveal a BMW car key I was in shock.

“Oh shit Ms. G. If you don’t want those dogs I’ll watch them if I get a BMW in return. Shit they must be champion dogs if ol’ dude is dishing out the big bucks over them.” Trace laughed and looked at me for a response.

“I’m gonna kill him. I told him I was fine without a car for now and I’d get one once the weather got cold again.”

“You know how he is LaLa; he’s always got to make sure everyone is taken care of. And besides, now you and I match.” I can only imagine the look on my face when Trace told me that we matched; the BMW Trace has is a $40,000 SUV which is a huge upgrade from the old hooptie that just died (literally) on me three weeks earlier.

After revealing my ‘gift’ from Justin Trace sat at my desk while I finished the lesson with my class and once the bell rang I decided I wanted to go see my new car, even if I was upset with him I’m a sucker for BMWs. Ever since I was little I’ve always had a liking for them but could never afford one on my salary and pay bills and a mortgage. Trace and I approached the metallic blue X3 and I almost died from the joy I was feeling. Even though he’s a pain the ass I have to thank god for Justin sometimes because I was really getting tired of the city bus and not being on my own schedule.

“He also told me to ask you if you wanted to pack up the kiddies this weekend and drive to Philly to see his show and chill. I’m gonna be there, and if you decide that you want to go I’ll catch a plane back here from LA and drive with you instead of flying there.”

“I’ll think about it but it’s looking positive right now, I have a three day weekend coming up so I won’t have to rush back.”

“Just give me a call when you decide. I need to be heading back into the city, I have a meeting in an hour and you know how traffic is.”

“Okay. Love you Tee.” I walked him to the rental Escalade he was driving around in and said my goodbye.

“Love you too La. You be safe with Buck and Bren, I wouldn’t want your pretty little face getting scratched up.” He reached out of the window and rubbed my face gently while laughing.

“Whatever. Call me when you land back in LA, whenever that may be.” He nodded, started the car and backed out of the parking space to head back into Manhattan.

I was now looking forward to my weekend; Justin can take care of his bad ass monsters for three days, I got a free trip to Philly, a free BMW, and not to mention I got to hang out with two of my favorite people (there’s definitely only a few of those) in the world. Philly here the hell I come.

When I pictured the “road trip” to Philly I didn’t picture it consisting of getting lost, listening to Buckley and Brennan bark over Trace’s loud ass music, and dealing with Trace’s infamous long distance road rage I’ve heard so many entertaining stories about. I thought the ride from Jersey to Philly was going to be a fun one, it was anything but. Somehow we completely drove past Philly and ended up in York driving around aimlessly for a while, Trace’s idea not mine. When we finally got back on the highway to head back in the direction of Philly I let Trace drive which was the biggest mistake of my life.

That man needs to be locked up for the speed he was driving at; I feared not only for my life but surprisingly for the lives of the dogs in my back seat going crazy. But we finally got to the arena safely and in one piece.

“I’m never letting that man drive my fucking car again. He almost killed us.” I joked as Trace and I entered Justin’s dressing room, where we found our favorite pop start lounged out on the couch talking on the phone. He held up his finger to let us know to hold on and had an annoyed look on his face.

“Geesh. Sorry your righteousness.” I let his dogs off of their leashes and they went running over to Justin and jumped on top of him. He let whoever he was on the phone with that he had to go and hung up.

“What were you saying?”

“From the look on your face I’m guessing you were on the phone with Jessica. And I was saying that your best friend almost fucking killed me and those two beasts.” I pointed at Buckley and Brennan who were now wrestling each other at Justin’s feet.

“Don’t call them that, and I could have let you know that Trace doesn’t know what the speed limit is here on planet earth. Down in Munchkin Land he’s one of the only ones tall enough to drive so he takes advantage of the open speed limit. And I don’t want to talk about Jess right now, I can already tell her visit here is going to be quite irritating.”

“I told you not to date that boring bitch, but no, no one listens to Alana who knows about bad relationships.” He glared at me before looking at Trace to acknowledge him for the first time.

“You hungry man? I’m starving and the catering is crap here. I go could for a cheese steak right now.” My eyes opened wide at the mention of food; Trace and I shared a small bag of chips on the way there and it may not show but this girl can eat.

“When in Philly right?”

"I thought it was when in Rome idiot?"

"Same difference"

Things were peaceful in my life for the first time in weeks during our afternoon in Philadelphia; Justin decided to leave his precious babies at the arena with Marty who offered to tame them. Yeah okay well, everything was peaceful until Justin got his ‘bright idea’ as he called it, I thought it was stupid.

“Correct me if I’m wrong LaLa, but I’ve heard from my sources that you haven’t been on a date in a long time right?” Trace started to choke on the pretzel he was eating; yeah that’s right, choke and die you traitor. I knew who Justin’s ‘source’ was, and he came in a package of 5’5 with a faux hawk and a poser ass Jack Daniels tattoo. Some friend he was.

“Your sources are nosy little dweebs who have nothing better to do than go spilling private information that I thought was going to be kept between us. Thanks Juanito.” He turned beat red from laughing at me calling him Juanito, the name Justin and I pick on him about frequently.

“Don’t blame Trace for telling me, I was in the room when he was calling you the other week. Listen, Jessica’s plane lands in about an hour and she’s bringing a friend. So I was wondering if you’d be down for double dating? She says he’s a really great guy and she thinks you two would hit it off.”

“First of all, I don’t need your boring ass girlfriend to hook me up with her friends. Second of all, how would she know who I would and wouldn’t hit it off with, she’s met me like 4 times and one of those times I was a complete asshole.” Let’s just say I’m not too fond of Jessica Biel for the simple fact that she's whiny, boring as hell, and annoying.

“It’s worth a try La. It’s been a really long time since you’ve been in a relationship and I think your due to start looking for someone again.”

“Excuse me?”

“Let’s face it, the guys you’ve dated in the past haven’t really been worthy of you La. Jeff is a great guy, I’ve met him a few times and I, your best friend, think that you would like him. It’s time to stop settling for anything.” I don’t get why he was so interested in my love life, he’s been that way since we met and I don’t see it changing anytime soon.

“Why can’t Trace just be my date? I like him, we hit it off.” I wrapped my arm around Trace’s waist as we walked down the street to a store he had been raving about all day.

“Yeah JT, why can’t I be her date? How is that fair that I get left out of all of this?”

“So it’s settled, I’ll go if Trace can be my date. That Jeff character can think that I’m there to meet him, but we’ll know that all my attention is really towards this sexy piece of Hispanic male right here.”

Somehow I was forced to go pick up Jessica at the airport and Trace accompanied me (says he needed to be my bodyguard), and somehow he conned me into letting him drive again. When the two of them were walking out of the terminal I saw her friend Jeff, and from the conversation I heard them having he sounded like an egotistical bastard like all of my exes.

“Hey Trace.” Trace received a hug from Jessica and he shook Jeff’s hand. I saw the discreet look that he shot at me, and he was thinking the same thing as me; I could tell because of the amazing ESP we’ve developed with each other in the 8 years (yeah I’ve known him as long as Justin) we were friends.

“Hey guys.” My ‘bodyguard’ stepped back and waited for a confrontation between Jessica and me to happen. He knew that we didn’t like each other and he found it very amusing and was waiting for us to throw some fists. Not likely, sorry buddy.

“Jeff this is Alana, Justin’s friend I was telling you about. Hi Alana.” Nice seeing you too bitch. Let’s not be excited about being here or anything you ungrateful little snot.

“Nice to meet you.”

I hate introductions. They’re seriously the most annoying thing in the world because for me, that’s usually the first and last time I see someone (I don’t meet new people very often) and I don’t like wasting my time.

And I was wasting my time with Jeff. We ended up going out after Justin’s show and not before, which was fine by me because I wasn’t hungry, but Jeff and Jessica decided that they were starving and complained during Justin’s whole set (in case you were wondering Trace and I almost killed the two of them). Our late dinner ended up being a disaster in my opinion. We listened to Jeff brag about the marketing firm he works at in Manhattan for about 20 minutes before Trace interrupted him and we started to talk about my students (whom Jeff and Justin’s prized girlfriend weren’t interested in at all).

When we got to the hotel Justin came down to the room I was staying in to ask me how I liked Jeff, as if he didn’t know already.

“Knock knock, get decent if you’re not. Surprisingly I’m not in any mood to see your D cups or that ass of yours tonight. I just want to say goodnight and get to sleep.” I hate when he jokes about my body like that. Why did he have a key to my room?

“Hey I’m in my room you asshole!” I was lying in my bed with Brennan next to me when he came through the doorway. Yeah, somehow being around Justin calmed them down and I actually missed not having one of the dogs in my bed to sleep so I stole a monster from Justin.

“How’s it going in here?” He laid down right next to me and started to play with Brennan’s paw.

“It’s going. I’m just watching a movie before going to bed.”

“So, Jeff…” I knew that was coming.

“Hell mother fucking no Justin. Your little girlfriend must think I love to talk about myself or something because we have nothing in common and he’s fucking annoying and self centered.”

“He’s not that bad LaLa. You didn’t even give him a chance.”

“Weren’t you the one who said I need to stop settling for anything? Well he’s anything and I’m not settling. This is how I see it: we date, he moves up in his marketing firm to CEO or something and realizes that we don’t click romantically anymore and we just need to stay friends.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Oh but I do and I’m not down for that type of drama again Jay. Please, let it go.”

“Fine.” Things were silent in the room for what seemed like 20 minutes before Justin spoke up again.

“I’m glad you’re here. I’ll make up for what happened tonight tomorrow. Me and you will go out to eat and do some more shopping.”

“Just us?” It was something that never really happened; if he was on tour and I visited a group of us always went out and I was looking forward to spending the day with him. But even when he promised it would be just the two of us it never really turned out that way.

“Just us, I promise. But right now I need to get back up to my room before Jessica calls Johnny and tells him I went missing.” I made a mental note at that point to go see Uncle Johnny the next day because he didn’t have time to see me that day.

“Tell her you were going to get ice for your knee?”

“You know me so well. Goodnight La.”

“Goodnight JuJu.” He kissed my forehead, rubbed Brennan’s head, and winked at me before he left the room.

Even after his horrible date picking skills he exhibited with agreeing to set me up with Jeff, I couldn’t really be upset with Justin. He’s my best friend and my ‘brother from another mother’ (as him and Trace like to say to people when it comes to me) and he was only trying to look out for me. I just wish he stopped at Jeff when he was trying to ‘look out’ for my love life.

I didn’t get that day alone with Justin, something happened with the soundboard in the arena and he had to spend all day doing a sound check before they packed up the stage and everything and sent it to the next destination. So instead of shopping and pigging out I stayed cooped up in Trace’s hotel room ordering room service with him while he made business calls, fun right?

Even with my horrible ‘date’ and not being able to have some alone time with ‘the man’ himself, I had a good mini trip to Philadelphia. But I had to get back to Jersey on Monday morning, with my two favorite animals in tow. When I got back to my house I was somewhat relieved to be away from the hectic life Justin lives and back into my boring life of school teaching and dog sitting. Although, getting back to my life in the real world meant getting back to my mom, which was something I didn’t really look forward to.

I was minding my own business out in my backyard playing with Buckley and Brennan when I heard the sliding door open. I looked up from under Buckley (yeah he tackled me) and was met with the disgusted face of my mom.

“I had no idea you were in town.”

“I got a call from your Uncle Johnny the other day and he told me you joined Justin on tour for a few days to bring his dogs to him. But I see you brought them back with you.” She wasn’t a big fan of his dogs for the simple fact that when Justin left me with them a few months back when he was in Hawaii they tore up her couch when I brought them home with me to Connecticut.

“I’m dog sitting for Justin for the majority of the tour.”

“That’s cute.” I knew she wasn’t serious; I inherited my mom’s sarcasm gene so I could tell that she wasn’t.

My mom was another person who thought I was dating horribly and could do better. She was the one by my side constantly during high school and college when my boyfriends broke up with me and most recently when a lot of my childhood friends were getting married and starting families. She was constantly trying to set me up with people but I would turn her down (if my best friend was horrible at picking guys for me my mom would be ten times worse).

“You seem to be extremely close to Justin lately Alana. What’s going on there honey?” I was sitting across the room from my mom after I managed to wrestle Buckley off of me to head inside.

“Wow Janelle, absolutely nothing is going on there.”

“He bought you a BMW for God’s sake baby.”

“My car died and you or Daddy sure as hell weren’t buying me a new one. I’m watching his dogs for a long time and it’s a way to pay me back.” She rolled her eyes and took a sip of the soda she stole from my fridge. Uncle Johnny tells her stupid stories about Justin and I together and it gets her thinking that there’s some attraction there. I’ve got to let Uncle Johnny know that going back to Mom about us being ‘cute’ together isn’t kosher.

“Anyways, I spoke to Isaac yesterday and he said thanks for the package of stuff your class sent their troop. Apparently they’re all doing really great over there and he and Jimmy should be deployed to come home in about a month. Aren’t you excited baby?” I love my brothers and everything but they’re all my mom talks about. I don’t ever hear her telling people how proud of me she is, she always rambles on to people about her two boys who have done so much for our country. Apparently her daughter does nothing. There’s another place that I’m second best and that’s in my mother’s eyes; she may not say it but her boys always have and will come before the only daughter she gave birth to. I guess that’s why I’m a lot closer to my dad. Even though he lives a lot further than my mom does I see him more often than I see her.

“Yeah I’m excited Ma. Tell them that it’s not a problem and I’ll be sending more in a week or two.” We didn’t speak much after that so my mom got up and said she was going to visit a friend in the next town over before heading back to CT. I don’t even get why she came to my house.

The next day back at work I was met with quite the shock and when I walked into my 3rd period class (all the action in my work life happens in that class in case you can’t tell) they were sitting with their desks already in a circle all holding magazines and talking loudly.

“Alright quiet down you guys. What’s going on? What’s the problem?” Jamal held up STAR magazine and I was met with a picture of Justin, Trace and I on the cover walking around Philly; somehow I was standing a lot closer to Justin than I was to Trace and Justin was looking at me and smiling widely. I don’t even remember there being people around us with cameras.

“I knew I recognized that Trace dude from somewhere Ms. G. How come you ain’t tell us that you get up with these famous dudes?”

“I don’t see how my friends are important to your education guys.”

“Are ya dating or something?” Another student, Emma, asked as I took the marker from the edge of the board and started to write that day’s objectives to ignore their questions.

“You’re watching his dogs Ms. G? That’s so cool; you should let me come over one day so I can tell people I’ve seen Justin Timberlake’s dogs. You’ve been holding out on me Ms G. and that’s so not cool.” I had forgotten that Erica was a die-hard Justin fan, great.

“He bought you that BMW that you got last week?”

“Are you really seeing him behind Jessica Biel’s back? That’s bad Ms. G. Don’t nobody like a home wrecker.”

“That’s enough! None of whatever is in those magazines is true so drop it. My uncle is Justin’s manager and that’s how we know each other. He’s been at parties that my uncle has thrown and we became friends through there, friends nothing more.” After my outburst, the first one since I’ve been teaching, my class got back on track and we managed to make it the remainder 45 minutes without bringing up my weekend in Philadelphia anymore. I got through the day of getting questioned by my students (and my colleagues) and managed to make it into NYC after work to meet Noel for a late dinner, at Southern Hospitality.

“I don’t understand why we have to eat here constantly Alana. Do you understand how many other restaurants there are in New York to choose from? I get that you like to keep in touch with your black side, but do you have to eat this food every week?” She becomes so annoying when she whines and her Colombian accent starts to show which adds to the annoyingness. I just laughed at Noel and ignored her as we sat down at our usual table by the window, didn’t she know that free food is the best food?

“Stuff it Noel. You’re not pretty when you whine. And besides I don’t hear you whining when we’re done pigging out and the bill is nada.”

“That is true; tell those friends of yours that I love them.” We ordered our food and talked to catch up on what’s been going on in our lives in the past two weeks.

Noel and I grew up together back in good old Madison, Connecticut and have been friends since the fourth grade. She knows everything there is to know about me and vice versa. I think she’s the only person in my life that doesn’t care about who I date or what I do with my life; we look out for each other and that’s it. She knows that I have bad luck with guys (and every other aspect of my life) and she doesn’t feel the need to broadcast and analyze it all the time the way other people in my life do. This is all the more reason for me to love her like a sister and not a friend.

We were eating dinner when my cell phone started to vibrate from in my purse. I groaned and went digging through it before the person could hang up, something that happens frequently in my life.

“Hello?” I heard a lot of noise in the background and couldn’t really tell who it was by the number on my caller ID.

“LaLa! Baby, where are you?” If there’s anything more annoying that Noel whining, it’s Justin and Trace when they’re drinking (without me of course).

“I’m eating right now Justin. It’s only 10 o’clock, why the hell are you so drunk already?” I realized after asking that question that he didn’t have a show until the next day.

“I’m slightly buzzed actually. We’re back home in Memphis and we’re having a party at my place and so many people came. I don’t even know the majority of these people LaLa. What are you eating? Chicken? I want some Chicken right now.” What?

“No, actually I’m eating a pulled pork sandwich.”

“Ohmygosh! You’re at my restaurant. Juanito, La is at the restaurant. Man I could go for some ribs.” I hate drunken phone calls from Justin and Trace.

“I’ve got to go Justin.”

“Wait!”

“What?”

“My friend Davis wants to meet you. He lives in the city and is free tomorrow night if you’re up for it.” Oh my gosh.

“No.”

“Please Alana?” I could hear Trace in the background screaming ‘please’ and dragging it out like a two year old would and couldn’t help but laugh.

“Fine. This better be the last time Jay, seriously you suck at hooking me up with people.”

“I promise if you don’t like him it will be done. Call me tomorrow morning, and when I say morning I mean 2 o’clock in the afternoon my time.”

“It’s only an hour apart.”

“And that extra hour is crucial. Call me tomorrow. Bye La.” He hung up before I could even say anything.

“Another blind date?” Why was this bitch laughing?

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Why do you say yes to him all the time Alana?”

“Because he’s done a lot for me, and I owe it to him to agree. Besides he’s only trying to look out for me.”

“Right, well that’s stupid.”

“It’s not stupid Noel, you wouldn’t understand.”

“Then help me understand.” Even though Noel and I are best friends there are things that I’ve never told her that only Justin and Trace know about. I feel guilty from keeping things from her, but its better that way. She may not come and outright say things about me, but I know she judges the things I do and how I live sometimes because I don’t have a corporate job and I haven’t settled down like she has. Manhattan has gotten the best of my Noel in a way and even though I love her to death, she’s very judgmental.

“No.” After our mini argument at Southern Hospitality Noel left dinner early and left me to finish eating by myself. When I was done I got the manager, let him know who I was (he was new) and let him check with whoever he had to confirm that Justin and Trace gave the okay for me to get free meals there, and then drove back home. It may seem like I’m poor and need to mooch off of my friends for free food, but I don’t. The agreement with the free meals at Southern Hospitality came because I was one of the people that encouraged them to open up this restaurant because both of them were very skeptical about it. In return for being a backbone through the whole process, they agreed on letting me eat there for free; Southern Hospitality wouldn’t exist without me (there goes my sarcasm again).

After leaving the city I got back home to my wonderful abode and was met with Double Trouble (that’s what I’ve coined them) out of their cages and tearing apart throw pillows from my sofa. After a few minutes of keeping my cool and not going off I locked them back up and cleaned up the mess they made and went to bed. I needed my beauty rest if I was going to meet this Davis character.

Why the hell do I let Justin set me up with these ‘great’ people he knows? Davis was a character alright; he was a total flake. I don’t know if he was nervous about being around a (half) black woman or if he’s just naturally clumsy but he spilled a glass of wine all over the table (and onto my lap) within the first 15 minutes of us being there. He must have been the boy in high school that got shoved in lockers and his braces caught in girl’s hair, and I say that braces thing because when he dropped me off at my house he tried to kiss me and I turned my head, only for the side of it to be met with his forehead. I feel my head bruising as we speak.

“Hey LaLa, it’s me. I’m about to go on stage but I wanted to check and see if you’re back yet but I figure you aren’t because it’s only 8. Call me after 12 if you’re up. If I don’t get a phone call I’ll expect that you had a great time and I’ll be sure to let Davis know that you want to go out again! Love you, kiss my babies for me and tell them Daddy will be seeing them real soon.” Gross. I was not kissing something that licked its own ass. And I couldn’t let Justin think that I had a good date with Davis, so I picked up my cell phone and called him, even though it was only 10:25 and I knew he was still performing his (very) little white ass off.

“You’ve reached Justin, you know what to do.” That girlfriend of his probably made him change his voicemail; Trace, Justin and I had the same messages on our voicemails made by each other.

“Justin Randall Timberlake, if you ever want to see your precious dogs again you will think twice about setting me up with your lame ass friends again. Thanks to you that dress I bought in Philly is red wine stained and the side of my head is throbbing. I hope you’re breaking your leg, literally, on stage right now as I’m leaving this because you are dead wrong setting me up with Peewee Herman’s little brother. I’m going to bed don’t call me.” That should get the point across that I’m tired of his blind dates, or so I thought.

The next day at school was uneventful; my classes got over the fact that I was friends with the Justin Timberlake quickly and didn’t mention anything since they confronted me about it two days earlier. On my lunch break I got a phone call from the Justin Timberlake himself.

“You have some big balls calling me right now Jay.” I couldn’t be mad even if I wanted to.

“How’d you know how big my balls are La? Were you watching me the other day when I got out the shower? I thought I told you to turn around while I changed. I take it you from you threatening the lives of my babies, which I do find very rude, that you had a bad time out with Davis?” Nasty ass.

“Bad is an understatement babe. Where the hell do you know this guy from?”

“He worked some of the publicity for William Rast when the line first started. I figured he was a pretty cool guy from the way he acted around Trace and I but apparently he’s a dud when it comes to women.”

“I thought you were friends with this guy Justin?”

“We’re friendly, isn’t that good enough for you?” The both of us laughed at his comment.

“Asshole. What are you doing?”

“Lying on my bed, nekkid. I just got out of the shower and I’m about to head down to Marty and Nick’s room so we can head back to the arena to get on the buses. As much as I love being home I’m ready to finish this tour. And I’ll be back here for Thanksgiving soon so I can’t get too much of Memphis.”

“You’ve got a while till your done Bub. How would Miss Biel feel about you calling me while you’re in your birthday suit Just?”

“What she don't know won’t hurt her baby. What are you doing as we speak? What are you wearing?” He asked me that in his ‘sexy voice’ as he likes to call it. Have I ever told you I hate his perverted sense of humor?

“Sitting in my car eating lunch. And I’m wearing sweatpants, clogs, and a wool turtle neck sweater my Granny knitted for me.” I looked down at my William Rast jeans, black stilettos, and black blouse I was wearing and laughed.

“That is sexy Alana. But your car? Isn’t that what the cafeteria is for?”

“I grabbed a sub from Quizno’s for lunch today and I didn’t feel like sitting in the teacher’s lounge. Everyone’s been playing 21 Questions: Justin Timberlake Edition since they found out we’re friends. And I don’t want to taint your image and tell them you’re a complete and total dick who doesn’t know his best friend’s taste in men from his ass…”

“I love that game. Listen I really am sorry about that horrible date. What can I do to make it up to you?”

“When can I get one of those ‘just us’ days?”

“When would you like one?”

“You’re the one on a world tour, not me Jay. If you want to repay me for Davis and Jeff and Mark and Joe and Sam and Keith, I’ll take a day out with just me and you whenever you get a chance.”

“Damn it’s been that many people? I’m heading to Atlanta today and then up to Boston for a few days, maybe you can come there?”

“Is it on a weekend?”

“No.”

“Then no I can’t. You know I can’t miss work. We can just save it for another time. But listen, it’s about to be 5th period, I’ve got to vamoose.”

“I’ll work something about La. Talk to you later.”

“Bye.”

Over that weekend I went up to New Hampshire to visit my dad which is always a great time. Even though I was young when my parents divorced I still remained close with him growing up; I spent school vacations and summers with him while my brothers stayed home because they were ‘too old’ as they claimed, which helped my dad and I grow very close.

“Daddy!” I walked into the house he owned in Laconia and heard the TV being played from the basement.

“He’s not here!” That would be my step-sister, Lizzie. I walked down the stairs, with Double Trouble on my ass, and saw her sitting on the couch with her boyfriend and two of his friends I’m assuming.

“Where’d he go?” The dogs ran over to Lizzie and her friends and started sniffing at them.

“I don’t know. They left a few hours ago and said they’d be back a little later. I didn’t know you were coming this weekend, D.J said you changed your mind.”

“Yeah well I wasn’t going to but I decided Wednesday that I could use a personal day from school so I’m staying until Monday morning.” Most people I know don’t get along with their step-siblings, but Lizzie and I have always been cool. I wouldn’t say we’re extremely close, but we don’t fight like you see people doing on TV.

“That’s cool. Oh yeah, this is Tim and Frank and Connor, guys this is D.J’s daughter Alana.” They mumbled 'hi' while still engrossed in the movie they were watching, so I took the hint and went back upstairs to let the dogs out and to bring my stuff to my room to relax. I hadn’t realized that I had fallen asleep until I felt weight shift the bed next to me and my eyes fluttered open. When they opened I was met with icy blue eyes staring back at my face, two inches away.

“What the hell are you doing?” I’m not the nicest person when I wake up.

“Hello to you too.”

“Hi Justin. It’s nice to see you, what the fuck are you doing so close to my face?”

“We’re going to have an ‘us’ day.” I looked at the clock that was on the other side of my room and saw that it was almost 5; damn I slept for two hours.

“How did you get here?” I sat up and straightened out the clothes I was wearing, I hate wrinkles.

“I talked to Trace and he told me you would be here this weekend and I had it off, so I figured I’d plan it with D.J that I’d come here.” I couldn’t hide the smile that formed on my face. Justin is a really sweet guy when he’s not being an asshole trying to hook me up with his ‘friends’.

“That’s cute. So what do you want to do?”

“I have no idea LaLa. You know this place, I don’t.”

“There really isn’t much to do here. We could go down to the Weirs and walk around the boardwalk and down the street for a while, but it’s November so I’m not really sure about what’s open and what’s not.”

“What’s that?”

“The Weirs Beach? There’s little shops and arcades and food and that good shit. We can bring the beasts if you want to.”

“As much as I miss them, I can do without them for a while. We’ve been reacquainted for a little while so you could sleep. I’m good.”

We got off of my bed and made our way back downstairs so I could greet my dad and step-mom, Cindy, before heading out to where all the action is (during the summer that is).

We were sitting on the porch of this little food stand at the beach when Justin brought it up. I had been able to somewhat get it out of my mind so that I forgot that it happened around this time of year.

“How are you feeling?”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s November 15th La.”

“I’m fine Justin.” I immediately lost the craving for ice cream I had before.

“Sure.”

“Why are you bringing it up? I thought we were going to have a good day?”

“You can’t just erase it from your mind Alana, and you know that. We never talk about it, Trace and I worry about the whole situation still. You can tell it’s had a big effect on you.”

“Sorry that I don’t want to think about the abortion, okay Justin? Can we just drop it?”

“Have you seen him?” He doesn’t listen, did you pick that up?

“No, not since last year around this time; and because I was with you and Trace and you guys threatened the shit outta him he knows better than to try to come around anymore.”

“Good. I’ll fucking kill him if he gets within 100 feet of you ever again.” Defensive Justin wasn’t a pretty sight, so I knew I had to end the conversation quickly before he got angry.

“Can we drop it? It’s getting kinda cold, wanna head back up to the house and watch movies?” He nodded his head and we got up to throw away the rest of our ice cream. I guess it wasn’t a smart idea to eat ice cream in the middle of November; I was freezing by the time we got back to my car.

I’m thinking I should tell you about Tommy. He was my last serious boyfriend and the main reason as to why I’m ‘always the bridesmaid and never the bride’. He and I dated throughout college and things were bittersweet. Tommy was everything I always didn’t want in a man, but I loved him deeply. He cheated, he lied, he manipulated, he sweet-talked, he was loved by everyone in my family, and he occasionally hit me when he got drunk. But I loved him.

From the day I introduced Justin and Trace to Tommy they hated him, and I’m glad that someone in my life saw through the smoke screen with him. There had been one incident where for Spring Break, instead of going to Cancun with Tommy, his friends, and their girlfriends I went on tour with Justin, which made Tommy livid. I got phone calls every day from him that ended up with me crying and him hanging up on me. During those phone calls he called me a slut, accused me of sleeping with both Justin and Trace, and told me that he’d been fucking girls left and right while he was there, and I knew he was telling me the truth. But I still stayed with him.

My first year out of college Tommy got me pregnant and then told me that he knew the baby wasn’t his when I broke the news to him; day in and day out for two months he would rant and rave about how he just knew my baby belonged to “Timberfag” as he liked to call Justin. He never flat out told me to get an abortion but I knew that’s what he wanted me to do. I knew that deep down he knew that baby was his but that he didn’t want a baby because he didn’t want to be attached to me for life. He broke up with me and two weeks later I decided that I wanted rid of the baby that was growing inside of me. Tommy told me that he wished we stayed ‘just friends’ because he didn’t have a problem with being just friends with sluts, he had a problem with dating them.

Justin and Trace are the only people other than Tommy and me who know about my pregnancy and they supported me through everything. Because I was just out of college and didn’t have a job yet Justin gave me the 500 dollars to get the abortion, and told me I didn’t have to ever think about paying him back for it. Trace took me to the Planned Parenthood the day of my appointment; Justin wanted to be there for support, but how would that look if he showed up at the Planned Parenthood with a distraught female? And because I lived with Tommy when he left me, I stayed out in LA with them for a while and got a part-time job to raise some money before I found the teaching position in New Jersey (Justin actually fronted me the down payment on the one floor house that I live in).

We don’t ever talk about what happened though. Everyone other than Justin and Trace think that Tommy and I just grew apart and ended it mutually, and it hurts that I can’t tell anyone but I don’t want them to place judgments (which I’m sure everyone else will do). But when the middle of November comes around it hurts, because that’s when my baby was due; November 20, 2004 was the day I was supposed to give birth to new life if I didn’t terminate the pregnancy. It was for the best though, I’m still sad about it sometimes but I know that I wouldn’t have been able to support the both of us on my own.

We got back to the house and kicked Lizzie out of the basement and went to watch our movies down there. I was engrossed in Murder by Numbers, one of my favorites, when Brennan came trotting down the stairs and hopped her big ass up on the couch and laid across Justin and I. She was licking my hand when I noticed Justin staring at me.

“You’re crying.” I wiped my eyes and tried to blink back the tears that were about to fall.

“Am not.”

“Are too. What’s going on?” He paused the movie and slid closer to me on the couch so he could wrap his arm around my shoulder.

“I’m just thinking about everything now. My baby would have been three years old, and I don’t even know if I would have had a boy or girl.”

“It’ll be okay Alana, you know it’s always hard around this time.” He made me look at him and when he turned my head towards his something felt extremely weird. With the pad of this thumb Justin wiped away the tears that had escaped onto my cheeks and then stared at me.

“You’re scaring me. Why are you staring at me like that?”

“Sorry.” I’m sure he meant to speak clearly but it came out in more of a whisper, and he didn’t look away. I went to say something else but was cut off when Justin leaned in a kissed me. Yeah you heard me, Justin “I love this little girl like she’s my sister” Timberlake kissed me.

“Wow, I’m really sorry about that.” I just stared in disbelief; I couldn’t believe that just happened. It’s not like we haven’t kissed before, but it seemed like he actually meant to kiss me. And it was sensual, not the stupid shit that we joke around with all the time to make people (Trace, Uncle Johnny, and my brothers) uncomfortable.

“It’s fine.”

And it was fine. The weekend went on like nothing ever happened, but I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Justin kissed me and he showed no shame about it after, did he mean to? What the hell happened to Jessica? I couldn’t wait to tell Trace about what happened. I knew he’d be able to tell me what went on.

After Justin got in the limo that picked him up to head back to Boston for his show that week I left my Dad’s house and headed back to New Jersey. By the time I was in CT I was annoyed with driving and decided to call Trace for him to keep me company.

“Talk to me.”

“Hola mi amor.” I could hear him try to hide his laugh on the other line.

“Hey LaLa.  What’s going on?”

“Are you busy?”

“Nah, I’m laying around at home. Why, what’s wrong?”

“I’m just feelin’ real weird, that’s all.” I guess he got the hint because I heard the TV that was playing in his house mute and he sighed.

“I don’t blame you, I’d be worried if you didn’t feel weird. You don’t have to worry about Tommy though, it’s been over three years and he hasn’t shown up since last year. I took care of that bastard for you baby girl.”

“Yeah I know. It’s not even really about that though Trace.”

“What’s got you feeling all fucked up then?”

“Justin stopped by my dad’s house this weekend thanks to you.”

“I don’t see the problem in that. I would have come too if I wasn’t stuck back in boring ass LA working with the designers. I swear to God I need more friends here, how do you feel about living on the West Coast, because if you moved here I wouldn’t need to make more friends for when Justin’s away…” I had to cut his rambling off or he would have gone on forever.

“Can you shut up? He kissed me.” He started to choke on whatever he was drinking/eating and had to catch his breath before talking again.

“I’m sorry, I don’t think I heard you correctly. Did you just say Justin kissed you?”

“That’s what I said.”

“How the fuck did this happen?” I told him about everything and he listened, just like he always does. That’s the good thing about my friendship with them; Trace is the listener and Justin is the advice giver. I have my own personal therapists at my beck and call, not that I’m some mental case with tons of problems that needs them for therapists or anything.

“Oh Jesus. Were things weird afterwards?”

“Not at all. The two of us acted like nothing happened. I’m just confused as to why he did it.”

“He probably just got caught up in the moment. It’s good things aren’t weird between you two because Thanksgiving would be extremely bad if things were.” I hadn’t even though about Thanksgiving; my mom, grandparents, and I were flying down to Memphis to spend Thanksgiving with Justin and Trace’s families since it was just the four of us at dinner this year. He was right, thank god things didn’t get tense between Justin and I or things would be very off.

I talked to Trace on the phone until I was home, which was hours after I first called him. When I got home I called Justin and left a message on this phone that I got back safely and would talk to him when he got a chance. I knew things were about to get strange, even if they weren’t at the time. I knew that my life was about to change, and to be honest I wasn’t ready for the rollercoaster ride I was about to take.

“Alana, honey, will you pass the yams please?” I looked up from the plate of food sitting in front of me and grabbed the bowl of yams and passed them to Lynn, Justin’s mom.

“So what are you three doing later tonight?” Trace, Justin and I looked over at my mom who was sitting across from Lynn and then looked at each other.

“Getting tipsy!” We yelled simultaneously with devilish grins as all the adults, and there were a lot of them, sucked their teeth and continued back in their own conversation. And I call them adults because when the three of us are together we act anything but grown like we should be acting.

“I feel like we should be sitting at the kid table again.” Justin shot at the adults who were completely ignoring us now.

“Maybe if you didn’t act like such a child sometimes Justin you wouldn’t feel like one.” I stuck my tongue out at him from across the table.

“You said you were going to the bar tonight too, not just me Alana.” And he mimicked my actions but crossed his eyes to get one up on me on the ‘Immature Scale’.

“No one is going to any bar or club tonight. All three families have come here to spend this weekend together, which includes you three and whoever else planned on joining them.” Lynn shot dirty looks over at a few of Justin’s cousins who had beamed at our previous statement.

We went out that night anyways; come on it was Thanksgiving and you know that all the old people go to bed early. After the Mom’s, grandparents, aunts, and uncles had gone to sleep the three of us along with Justin’s cousin Rachael, Trace’s cousin Jose and a few other cousins snuck out of Lynn’s house and made our way to Beale Street to Club 152 to meet up with Rachael’s friends and get our party on (and got our party on we did).

“Alana! Dance with me bitch!” I glanced around the noisy club to find Rachael standing in front of me, clearly on the verge of being shit faced. I reluctantly nodded at her and set my drink down on the table next to Jose and followed her out to the dance floor. Just as we stepped on the floor the song changed to the “Beautiful Girls Remix” by JoJo and a lot of the girls in the club started to get a little crazy grinding on their dancing partners, including Rachael. I felt a little dirty dancing with Rachael at first because a lot of the guys around us were gawking, but I had a few drinks in me wasn’t really thinking about how much of a lesbian I looked like at the moment until Justin came over and stepped in between.

“If I didn’t know you two I’d think that you guys were together. How about you dance with me La? Rach, Tiffany needs your car keys.” She mumbled something that I couldn’t hear over the music and walked back towards the area our ‘party’ occupied. Justin stood behind me and his hands found my hands and brought my ass flush against his groin area. I hesitated a little before relaxing against him and really letting him have it; he wanted me to grind against him, I was going to grind my ‘ghetto booty’ (named by Trace) against him like he’s never felt.

“I took you to the floor, had you begging me for more …” Instinctively my head leaned back against the top of Justin’s shoulder and I started to quietly sing the lyrics to the song hoping he’d hear me; although I don’t think I’ll ever be too cool for Justin, “the king of cool”. Oopsies, there goes my sarcasm again.

“Why are you doing that?” He yelled over the music into my ear.

“You wanted to dance with me, I’m dancing. Don’t be such a baby and quit acting like you haven’t wanted to grab on my ass since you met me.”

“I never said anything like that; I was just asking a question La.” I heard the playfulness in his voice and smiled even though he couldn’t see me. The song changed to “Sexy Back”, and the DJ gave a shout out to “Justin Timberlake and his crew who were getting down and dirty” which caused everyone in the club started to go crazy screaming and looking in the direction that he pointed. I turned around just in time to see Justin turn the color of the red heels I was wearing and started to crack up.

“Don’t tell me you’re embarrassed Jay.”

“I hate dancing to my own songs in the club, you know that.”

“We can stop…” I didn’t even have to finish before he started to dance again, which was a good thing because the (numerous) White Russians in me were telling me not to stop, even if I wanted to.

As the interlude to the chorus came flooding through the speakers you could hear everyone we were with singing and egging Justin on to ‘put it on me’ from the tables a few feet away, which I wish they didn’t do because all the attention in the club was drawn to the two of us. He brought his face closer to mine and started to sing along with his voice. I started to feel a little uncomfortable at how close he was to me but let it go and danced.

“Girl let me make up for the things you lack. Cause you’re burnin’ up I gotta get it fast. Dirty babe, you see these shackles baby I’m your slave…” For the rest of the night everyone dance and drank and joked and whatever it is that we do to have fun. Around 3 we all started to head back to Lynn’s house so we would be in bed by the time the adults got up in the morning, looking as if we had never left.

But sleeping wasn’t in the plan for a few of us. I’m guessing someone had insomnia (or was way too hyped to sleep) because at around 4 I felt cold air hit me while I was sound asleep which made me wake up. I tried to make out who it was from the little light that was coming through the window but I had no luck, until I got a whiff of Justin’s cologne as he pulled the covers down over him.

“Sorry to wake you up, I just couldn’t sleep.”

“How did you know I was awake?”

“I saw your eyes open when I was getting into bed. You can go back to sleep, sorry La.” But I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned until I watched the sky start to lighten slightly; no matter how hard I closed my eyelids or how many sheep I counted (257) I couldn’t get any rest and it was because of Justin’s arms wrapped around my waist and his breathing so close to my neck.

Before I knew it, 6 o’clock rolled around and Justin, being the early riser that he is, stirred awake and smiled at me.

“Did you sleep at all?” His voice was soft and sleep-filled.

“No.”

“I didn’t think so. I thought I heard counting but I thought I was dreaming.” I laughed quietly and apologized. I hadn’t realized I was counting out loud. He climbed out of the bed and went to the bathroom to brush his teeth then came back and got right back under the covers.

“Why did you kiss me Justin?” I saw the eye roll he shot in my direction.

“I said I was sorry.”

“I know what you said. Why did you do it though?”

“I wasn’t trying to take advantage of you if that’s what you think. I figured it’d comfort and calm you down. Didn’t it?”

“It did.”

“I did it because I wanted to, and I’ve been wanting to since Philadelphia.”

“What?”

“I didn’t stutter, did I?”

“You wanted to kiss me? You have a girlfriend if I’m not mistaken, you can’t go around kissing everyone that you want to. It’s bad enough Jessica and I don’t like each other, imagine if she finds out that you kissed me Jay, how would she feel about me then? I don’t want to have to set it on your girlfriend if she gets smart on me, and you know that I will. Do you know how much I hate cheaters? You hate them too, and now you’re becoming one…”

“Alana.”

“What?”

“Shut up.” And he kissed me again, and this time I liked it. I blame it on the fact that I didn’t get any sleep and I still had illegal amounts of alcohol in my system. When we finally broke apart his hand had inched its way up the bottom of his beater (that I was wearing) and it was resting on my stomach.

“Sorry. You were talking too much though.”

“One of us has to be the smart one.”

“I’m tired of being smart, it’s your turn for once.”

“Do you realize what you just did?” I sat up and turned the lamp on that was on the night stand.

“It was a kiss Alana, no big deal. People kiss everyday without it meaning anything. We’re just friends, I don’t really see the problem with it.”

“Do you kiss Tammy, or Allison? Do you kiss Trace?”

“No, no, and hell no.” He was laughing, but I was serious.

“Aren’t they your friends?”

“And?”

“Why kiss me Justin?”

“I already told you, and you know I like to kiss La. Look I’m going downstairs to start breakfast so our Mom’s aren’t doing all the work today too, if you want to help me you can,” he started to leave but turned back around when he was standing in the doorway, “if you’re worried abut Jess finding out she won’t so don’t fret. It’ll be our little secret.” I just nodded an inched my way back down in the bed.

We were just friends, and it didn’t mean anything. I’ve heard that so many times before. I’ve heard it from boys who are about to break up with me. But I heard it from Tommy on a regular basis. The bitches he cheated on me with were always ‘just friends’ and it never meant anything to him. It meant a lot to me though, that last kiss with Justin meant a lot to me but it meant nothing to him, as usual. You don’t just kiss a girl who’s been single and heartbroken for years and expect her not to feel anything, friend or no friend.

As usual I was put on the back burner. I had become second string to Jessica, something I would have never imagined happening with Justin. You may think that I’m overreacting, but it’s true. I quickly went from Justin’s best friend to the girl he ‘just kisses’; I went from Justin’s best friend to the girl he cheated on his girlfriend with. In just two meaningless kisses I had become the girl that I always despised; I had become ‘the other woman’.

“Don’t nobody like a home wrecker.” Right?

I avoided Justin for the rest of that day. Everyone that had gone out to the club the night before had huge ass hangovers which quickly gave away to our Mom’s that we had gone out even though we were told not to. It’s not like we got in trouble, everyone who had gone out was older than 21, but I hate listening to just my mother lecture me; try listening to 6 of them let you have it.

During breakfast, that Justin managed to cook by himself and not burn down the house, we ran out of milk so Trace volunteered to go to the store to pick up a few gallons, and forced me to go with him. We got into the Jeep Justin keeps at home and headed toward the General Store.

“I saw Jay come out of your room.” Great, now I was going to have to hear shit from him about something I was trying to forget about.

“Oh.”

“He slept there?”

“Yeah.”

“Cool.” Thank God that Trace takes hints.

“Go ahead and ask Trace, because I know you want to you midget.”

“Did you guys do anything?”

“We kissed, but according to him it didn’t mean anything.”

“And according to you?”

“According to me it meant a hell of a lot. The first time doesn’t mean shit, but he kissed me twice when he was well aware of what was going on. And this morning it was a lot different than at my dad’s house. Who the fuck kisses their friend whose had a really bad past with men and then tell them it means nothing?”

“I don’t think he meant it like that. You coming in?” He motioned to the door of the store and I shook my head no. Within five minutes he was back in the truck and not heading in the direction of Lynn’s.

“Where are we going?”

“My mom’s place. They can hold off on the milk for a while, I don’t think you need to be around Justin right now. He’s been stupid in the past when it comes to girls, but this has put the icing on the cake.”

“I’m aware.”

After an hour and half of laying around on Belinda's couches in her living room (and ignoring the phone calls we were getting from the people back at Lynn’s) someone came knocking on her front door as if they were going to knock the damn thing down. My head was in Trace’s lap so I turned it up towards him and away from the TV that we were watching; we both knew Justin was at the door.

“It’s open bitch!” We didn’t pay attention to him as he took his shoes off and plopped down on the couch on the other side of the room.

“Did you two not want to be at my Mom’s or something?” No answer. “Or maybe you guys just feel like being assholes right now. That’s cool, well Rachel dropped me off here so I’m going to take my Jeep and head back over there so I’ll see you when you two stop acting like babies and want to come back over there.” I really don’t understand why he was being an ass to us, it’s not like we did anything serious except leave them without milk. Whoopdy-Fucking-Doo. But it was better not to even say anything to him so I pulled the keys to his Jeep out of my back pocket and threw them at him, blindly might I add; I completely missed his lap that I had hoped I aimed for and hit him square in the face.

“Ow, what the hell? Gee thanks, that was real mature Alana.” I decided not to bite my tongue anymore.

“Ya and you would know about being mature Justin.”

“I’m not following you?”

“You want to know what’s real mature Jay? It’s real mature of you to kiss me twice, knowing how fucking vulnerable I am this time of year and then tell me it meant nothing. You don’t just kiss fucked up people and tell them that it meant nothing to you. You think I care about your girlfriend finding out that you kissed me? No, I care that you had the audacity to kiss me again after climbing in bed with me and cuddling up to me all night.” Somehow I remained calmed when I got it all out and I was surprised that I didn’t raise my voice.

“Are you serious?”

“Yes I’m serious Jay.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You’re always sorry though. I know you’re sorry Justin, I know.” Trace got up and left the room at that point which gave Justin the opportunity to sit next to me.

“I wouldn’t have done it again, I got caught up.”

“Whatever, forget it.”

“If I forget it and you start to ignore me again can we really talk about it?”

“Yeah, I’m fine, forget it Justin.”

After we got everything cleared up the three of us headed back over to the festivities at his Mom’s and the rest of the weekend went off without a hitch. I lied though, I wasn’t fine. I actually liked the feelings I got when we kissed and I couldn’t just forget about them. For two more nights I wasn’t able to sleep and it was hell leaving everyone when it was such a great weekend, and heading back to New Jersey to go back to work. I had Christmas break to look forward to though; Trace, Justin, Rachael and I were meeting up in Aspen the day after Christmas and spending New Years there.

I went to the area in the airport where I had to pick up Buckley and Brennan’s kennels that they flew in and waited to actually get them. I had a layover in Memphis on December 26th to meet Lynn to leave the two of them at Lynn and Paul’s while I went to Aspen with ‘the crew’ (and I was definitely glad to be rid of them for a week, although I had grown really attached to their bad asses). Once the kennels came out from the back on a cart I wheeled them to the terminal where my next flight was and waited for one of the Harless clan that I recognized. Twenty minutes before I boarded my plane I saw Belinda walking up to me with Trace’s sister in tow.

“I thought Lynn was coming to get them.”

“She got held up in a meeting so I volunteered. We should get going though I’ve got to get her to work.” Belinda motioned over to Brittany before hugging me goodbye and taking the cart away from me. Freedom!

When my flight landed Rachael was waiting at the terminal to pick me up and we found my bags then went out to the SUV Justin had rented for the week long trip.

“The two of them went out snowboarding this morning and made me come get you because they didn’t want to stop.” We walked out of the airport and immediately I was hit with the freezing cold air.

“Did they think the snow was going to melt if they didn’t get out there? Those dickheads couldn’t wait for me?” Assholes. I got in the driver’s seat after we made the decision that I would drive and Rachael would relax; she was feeling a little under the weather and looked like shit.

“They’ve been itching to get out there since yesterday morning before we even got here so I told them to go and I’d pick you up.”

“They’re asses, clearly you’re sick and should be in bed Rach. You could have called me when I landed, I would have taken a cab or something.” For the rest of the ride to the house Justin rented it was pretty much quiet, Rachael had fallen asleep and I turned on the radio to a station that was playing Christmas music. When I pulled into the driveway I saw another car sitting where the Escalade should have been parked. I nudged her awake and let her know we were back.

“I should tell you…” But she couldn’t finish because in the window of the house I saw a head of blonde hair and Justin’s shorts curls run past the window. I shot a glare at Rachael for not telling me sooner and grabbed my bags out of the back seat and followed her inside. When I got inside the warm house I put my bags down at the door and went into the living room where Justin, Jessica, Trace, and a few of Jessica’s friends were joking around.

“LaLa!” Trace got up and attempted to pick me up and swing me around, but pretended to struggle to get my Ugg covered feet a few inches off the ground.

“Asshole I’m not that heavy.” I hit him once he finally got me off of the floor and he put me down. The others were still joking around acting as if I weren’t even there.

“I’ll show you to your room. It’s right next to mine, so if you get lonely in the middle of the night my door’s open.” He wiggled his eyebrows and winked at me before grabbing my arm and bags and making me follow him down the hall to the large bedroom I was staying in.

“Is everyone else staying upstairs?” I guess he knew what I meant by everyone else.

“Yeah, I’m not sure if Jessica and her annoying friends are staying here though. Something happened with the house they rented so they just may end up crashing here until everything is fixed.”

“Just dandy.”

Trace left me standing in the room and headed back towards the cackling that was coming from the living room; I was not going to be able tolerate those fucking hyenas all week. I left Jersey where I could have spent time with my brothers who had just gotten home from their tour of duty to deal with Justin’s annoying ass girlfriend and her annoying ass friends. Do you think I kept my mouth shut about them being there? No siree I did not.

I went back into the living room a few minutes after Trace had and sat on the arm of the couch that Justin was lounging on and looked at him.

“Hey La.”

“Oh wow, you noticed I was alive. I’ve only been here for 20 minutes.”

“You were busy with Trace.”

“When has that ever stopped you from speaking to me before? You know he’s less important than you.” The two of us laughed and then looked over at Trace who was stuffing his face with marshmallows… Why the hell is he always eating?

Late that night Jessica and her friends went out to some coffee shop, Rachael was in her room sleeping off whatever sickness she had, and Trace was out ‘meeting babes for the bangin’ party he was throwing on New Years’ which left Justin and I alone. We were lying on the bigger of the three couches that were in the living room watching reruns of Drake and Josh (don’t ask, Justin is obsessed and it’s frightening) when I broke the news to him.

"I met someone.” Yeah I know, shocker. He paused the TV (I don’t see the point in Tivo) and turned his head slowly to look at me.

“You met who? Jamie and Jane?” Those were Jessica’s hyena buddies.

“No, I met a guy.”

“Where?”

“You know that kid Reggie that’s in my AP class?”

“The one who doesn’t work to his full potential but is freakishly smart?” I may have not said that about him in those exact words, but I was very fond of his intelligence.

“Yeah, him. Well I didn’t know it at the time, but the guy I met is his brother, Kurt. Noel and I went out for our weekly dinners at the restaurant the week after Memphis and he was our waiter.”

“So you’re dating one of my employees? Nice, I feel really betrayed LaLa. I don’t even know who this guy is; someone must have hired him recently.” He was shocked but also looked like he was in deep thought trying to figure out who Kurt could be.

“Apparently. Anyways, he’s really chill and I’m really starting to like him. We’ve gone out a few times, he sort of reminds me of Trace.”

“I know who you’re talking about now. Is he fair skinned and really tall and goofy looking?”

“No that’s your girlfriend you’re thinking about.” I had never been hit so hard in my life until then; Justin slapped the shit outta my arm and then gave me the finger.

“Fuck yourself.”

“In your dreams. But he’s the Puerto Rican and Italian guy with the real short buzz cut, kinda like yours when you first get it shaved off.”

“He’s a dick.”

“He’s nice to me, and he must not be that bad if you hired him.”

“No he’s a dick. And I don’t hire people, my managers do. But I met him the last time I went to check on things and he’s a cocky bastard.” It’s true, Kurt was very cocky, but he had every reason to be; he was the sexiest thing I’ve seen in a long time and he kept the cockiness to a minimum when I was around.

“Is someone jealous?”

“Jealous of what? I’m the one with the millions of dollars here, not him.”

“Are you jealous that I found someone without your sucky ass match-making abilities?”

“Psh. Get outta here, I’m the shit and you know it. It’s not my fault if you’re picky, because you and Davis had some great potential.”

“Yeah if I wanted to wear all my old sweats around him. Thanks to Dorky Davis my favorite little black dress is ruined.”

“Damn, I liked that dress on you too. Hugged you in all the right places, if you know what I’m sayin.” Whoa excuse me?

“Thanks?”

“Welcome.” Things got really uncomfortable after that. Instead of watching Drake and Josh I was staring around the room wondering when someone was going to show back up; it was already 11 and I’m pretty sure Rachel was down for the count up in her room. No one came though, so I had to try to ease the tension in the room.

“I’m kinda upset that she’s here Jay.” He looked at me apologetically and shrugged his shoulders.

“I really didn’t know she would be here but she called me and said that Jamie had managed to get her parent’s house for the week but a pipe burst so they had no where to stay. I couldn’t just tell her no because it was only supposed to be the four of us.”

“You could have told her to check her wealthy ass into a hotel.”

“Or I coulda told your not so wealthy big ass to suck it up and be grown for once. And besides that would have been rude of me to tell her to go somewhere else.” God damn why did he have to smile at me like that? It’s never gotten to me before, but it did at that moment. I don’t know why I did what I did next, but I was feeling daring.

“You know what’s really rude Jay?”

“Please don’t start a fight right now about Jessica, it’s not worth it Alana.”

“This is really rude.” And I grabbed him by the face and kissed him long and hard. Before I knew it I felt Justin’s tongue attempt to part my lips, and I let him. Don’t ask me what I was feeling or thinking at that moment because I don’t think it was anything. We stayed like that for a few minutes before I lost air and had to stop; let’s face it people, I haven’t kissed anyone that way in a long time so I’m not as practiced as Justin was.

“That was really rude actually. You asshole.”

“Why? We’re just friends remember? I like to kiss, that’s all. And it’s been a while since I’ve kissed someone.”

“I’m not a fill in for when Kurt isn’t around.” Did I sense some attitude?

“Really? Because I’m not a fill in for when your mess of a girlfriend isn’t around either, yet you seem to think that I am.”

“I guess that’s fair.”

“Do you understand how you fucked with my mind that first time you kissed me back in New Hampshire?”

“No.”

“Well you fucked it up, big time. Then back at Momma Lynn’s house Jay that was it for me.”

“What are you trying to say Alana?”

“I’m trying to say that I felt something, I don’t know about you but I felt something that I hadn’t felt about you before. When you told me that it didn’t matter I was pissed.”

“That why you and Trace didn’t come back?”

“He saw you leave my room and asked me about it. You know I can’t lie to him, just like I can’t lie to you.”

“You couldn’t have told me that it meant something to you? Why did you have to act like we were 13 and had to hide it from me?

“It’s not everyday your best friend kisses you Justin.”

He didn’t say much after that, and I didn’t blame him. Jessica finally came back to the house and joined our kiddy show marathon while her friends went up to bed, thank god. I was trying to be the bigger person and stay in the room so things could have gotten better between her and I for Justin’s sake but I couldn’t take the semi-dirty glares Justin was throwing at me and the occasional ‘love pecks’ they were giving each other.

“It’s been real but I’m heading to bed guys. Goodnight.” I left the room before they could even say goodnight back. As soon as I laid down in bed I was out like a light; I had never slept in such a comfortable bed in my life and was so happy to be sleeping on clouds (at least that’s what it felt like) and not back on my old mattress on my bed at home with Double Trouble pushing me off the edge.. But my peaceful slumber didn’t last for very long.

“Wake up.” I thought ignoring him would make him leave, but Justin only started to poke the shit out of my shoulder and shake me to get my attention.

“What do you want?” I turned over and looked at him hovering over me.

“What if I told you it meant a lot more than I’m making it out to be?”

“You woke me up to tell me this shit Jay? I thought the conversation was dropped once I started to get daggers shot at me. Get off of me so I can back to sleep.”

“I’m serious La.”

“What would you like me to do about that? You have a girlfriend that I know you wouldn’t break up with for me, so let it go.” This boy wasn’t lying; he really did like to kiss. I didn’t even know it was coming, but his lips crashed onto mine hungrily and immediately I let his tongue roam inside my mouth. I started to feel added weight on me when he propped himself up onto one arm. I felt his hands roam down over my breasts that were covered by only a tank top and then stop when he got to the area right below my belly button. I broke apart from kissing him and just looked at him to ask what he was doing, but I couldn’t get out anything because he started to kiss me sporadically in between answering the question I was going to ask.

“Let… me… do… this. Please.” Justin moved his hand from my stomach and brought it to the drawstring of my PINK sweatpants. The last time I had been as nervous as I was that night was the time I lost my virginity back when I was 15; I didn’t know what to do or how to react to Justin’s sudden change in attitude towards me.

“Do what?” I really didn’t have to ask, because his hand was slowly untying my pants and easing them down my past waist. “Oh hell no Justin, Jessica is right upstairs and Trace is in the next room. No, we can’t do this.” But he didn’t listen to my protests, and I didn’t even really want him to stop. I’m sure he knew that I wanted him to go further. I don’t doubt that he wanted to either; I had hope in the back of my head at that moment that things would be different in the morning, that we would have realized by having sex that our feelings for each other were more serious than we thought. I was very naïve to think that Jessica would be out of the picture after we had gone through with it.

But when I woke up the next morning he was gone. As bad as my relationship was with Tommy he never left me in the morning after sex; even if he made me feel worthless he never made me feel cheap like I was just meant for him to get a release and left me in bed alone. Jessica or no Jessica I would have at least expected Justin to stay, it’s not like she didn’t know we slept in the same bed on occasion.

I got out of bed and put on my tank top, which was the only article of clothing I hadn’t put back on after the night before, and walked out into the kitchen to only find my favorite midget eating a bowl of cereal and watching the small TV that was on the counter.

“Morning Trace.” I walked over to him and kissed his forehead before opening the fridge to see what Rachel had picked up at the grocery store when she went grocery shopping.

“Hey, you went to bed kinda early last night. I didn’t see you up when I got home.” I thought he would have been in bed asleep when everything had gone down.

“I was tired from traveling from Jersey to Memphis to here. And Justin and Jessica were in the living room making me sick so I needed to get away from that.”

“Right.” I told you I can’t lie to Trace, my mother and everyone else maybe, but lying to Trace and Justin and getting away with it would be a cold day in hell. He knew something was wrong with me, I could tell by the way his eyes danced up and down my face.

“What?”

“First of all LaLa, you suck at lying. Second of all, I came back super fucking late last night and heard some heavy ass panting coming from your room. Now I thought maybe you were working out or something, you know trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, but then I heard Justin let out some what of a laugh. Oh then I heard someone whisper when moaning started to accompany that heavy panting. Now by then I was just like, ‘well maybe their watching porn together or something’ because I know you guys are nasty like that sometimes and think that type of shit is funny. But then I heard you moan his name through my walls when I had closed the door to my room. So are you going to look me in the face again and tell me that you had in fact gone to be early? Or are you going to cut the bull with me and tell me why.” I knew that it was a bad idea for us to have sex. God damn you Trace. I didn’t speak; all I could do was sit down across from him and put my head down in shame.

“He came into your room? Or was he invited there by you?”

“I really did go to sleep. When I went to bed him and Jess were watching TV.”

“So he just woke you up and asked you for sex? And you just let him?” Why does Trace have to act like my father? My own father doesn’t speak to me in the tone that he was using? He really knows how to make someone feel stupid for their actions.

“When you put it that way it sounds so bad. Before Jessica came back to the house we were talking about us kissing, and I told him that it meant a lot more to me than he thought but he didn’t say that it meant anything to him. When he came in my room he was just like ‘what if it meant a lot more than I make it seem’ and we started to kiss. One thing lead to another and BAM before I knew it we had sex and I hate to admit it Tee, but it was fucking spectacular...” He made a disgusted face through chewing his food and shook his head.

“Spare me the details, I’m eating. But I have to say La, I’m surprised at you. I didn’t think you’d ever let things go that far with him.”

“I didn’t think so either, I wasn’t thinking straight. I shouldn’t have done it, and I’m sure it won’t happen again. If it does you can…have my car, I promise.” I guess he wasn’t up for joking about it like we usually did when we would talk about Justin and I kissing. He didn’t say anything to me in response. We sat there in silence for a few minutes before Trace got up and put his bowl in the sink and started to head towards the door with keys in his hand.

“Where are you going?”

“Out.”

“Do you want company?”

“No.” Ouch.

“Oh, wow. Okay.”

“I’ll be back in a while. Jessica and them went shopping, and Rach went to the doctors. Justin left and didn’t say where he was going.” I just nodded my head and continued to devour the cereal I was eating, thinking about what I was going to do during the day all by my lonesome.

After mind blowing sex you’re supposed to feel great, aren’t you? I was feeling anything but great. I couldn’t tell if Trace was upset with me; usually if he was going somewhere he would ask me to go but he was anything but receptive of me after I was called out on my sexual escapade with Justin. Here I was, supposed to be enjoying myself in Aspen and instead I was sitting miserably in the kitchen of a beautiful house, alone. Holidays aren’t supposed to be like that; Christmas is supposed to be a happy time of year, not a time of year when your life gets fucked up to a point of no return. Shit, if I would have known things were going to get that way on the second day of being in Colorado, I would have stayed home and listened to my mom either bitch and complain or gush over Isaac and Jim the whole fucking week.

Tension in the house had risen to an ultimate high after my confrontation with Trace in the kitchen. Justin barely spoke to me which made watching him and Jessica interact even worse; Trace spoke to me, but he kept our conversations very short and never brought up Justin and I; of course Jessica didn’t mutter more words than she had to and her banshee friends didn’t speak to me, but that was expected of them. The only person in the house who was treating me normally was Rachael, who had finally gotten rid of her 24 hour bug that she had and decided that we needed to catch up on everything.

We had dropped Trace and Justin off at the slopes and made our way into town to do some shopping, it’s what us girls do best right, when we stopped off at a coffee shop to grab something to warm us up a little bit.

“Can I ask you something Alana?” Rachael took a sip of her coffee and looked at me.

“Shoot.” I snatched off my gloves to grip my hot chocolate and crossed my right Ugg over my left one under the table.

“What’s going on with you Justin and Trace? And be honest with me, we’ve known each other too long for you to keep things from me, I won’t say anything I promise. Everything’s just been really weird these past two days.” Other than Noel, Rachael has been one of my closest girl friends in the past couple years; being close with Justin created an unbreakable bond between her and I as well.

“You want the truth?”

“The whole truth and nothing but the truth.” I looked up and was met with her version of Justin’s Timberlake grin. I swear, she should have stayed in law school instead of going on the road with Justin; he was a bad influence on her and she had a lot of potential.

“Things have been going on between your cousin and I that shouldn’t be happening. Everything is just messed up now; Trace is mad at me for letting Justin use me I guess. And it’s just been awkward for Justin and me because we…well…” I didn’t know how to tell her that Justin and I did the deed without feeling ashamed about it.

“Say no more. Wow Alana, how long has this been going on for?”

“It started out innocent back in November and changed to not so innocent the night I got here.” She gasped and looked at me wide-eyed.

“You mean with his girlfriend right upstairs? Oh wow, smooth move Justin.” I started to notice people staring at the two of us which was starting to get uncomfortable. I guess Rachael started to notice it too because she gulped down her coffee and nodded her head towards the door.

When we got back to the house everyone was sitting around with the fireplace lit and a movie on the TV; apparently Jessica picked up Justin and Trace at the lodge earlier than expected because Justin fell and sprained his ankle. Rachael and I put our bags in our rooms and then joined them, both of us sitting on the floor. When it was over Trace switched the TV over so that we could see if anything was worth watching on regular TV and started to flip through channels when it landed on Access Hollywood.

“Pop’s reigning prince has been spotted in Aspen over the holidays with girlfriend Jessica Biel and business partner Trace Ayala along with a few other friends. Residents around town have also reported seeing Justin’s friend, Alana Gagliardi, the niece of his manager Johnny Wright, and rumored mistress, around town being friendly with Ayala and Justin’s cousin. You may remember her from back during Thanksgiving when pictures from Club 152 in their hometown of Memphis Tennessee surfaced of the two getting a little too close on the dance floor. It’s been rumored that more than just dancing has gone on between the friends for many years. Could she be the start of the end of Justin and Jessica? Could she be in Aspen 'coincidentally' to ruin the holiday vacation between the new couple? We’ll have more on the story later in the show. But for now back to the latest news on Britney Spears and her attempted comeback onto the mus…”

"Idiots. You aren't even from Memphis." Thanks Trace.

Justin grabbed the remote from Trace and changed the channel to the food network and glanced over at me. Even with the movie on the room wasn’t quiet before, it was eerily silent after we caught Billy Bush’s monologue about our ‘lovely’ vacation. You could definitely hear every crackle of the logs in the fireplace off to the right of us and I could feel everyone's eyes burning a whole into the back of my head; it was starting to make me sick to my stomach.

“I’m going to for a walk.” I couldn’t stand the feeling of all their eyes on me anymore so I opted to just leave the house until I knew everyone was going to be sleeping. I went over to the front door and threw on my AE down jacket, Uggs, hat, and gloves and made my way towards the end of the driveway. I had just barely reached the edge of the driveway when I heard footsteps crunching in the snow nearby, which scared the shit out me to be honest.

“Damn, you in a rush or something LaLa? Wait up!” Something about his voice made me stop dead in my tracks and smile, even through everything that was going on.

“I needed to get out of that house. I think I’m going home early.”

“For what?”

“I could be spending time with my brothers who I haven’t seen in 18 months but instead I'm here, having a horrible time.” We started walking down the street, not knowing where we were going really.

“I’m sorry that you’re having a bad time…”

“It’s not that I’m having a bad time, I didn't mean it like that. Things just got out of hand. You know?”

“I don’t regret it La. You may, but I don't.”

“Yeah, your presence in the morning made that clear. And the tons of conversations we’ve had since then.”

“Trace practically beat my ass about it. I didn’t know how to react around you; I wasn’t sure if you were mad or something.” He grabbed my hand as we walked in the direction of a cliff.

“You didn’t have to ignore me all together, you know? You didn't have to leave me alone in the morning.”

“I couldn't have just stayed though, and you know that. I don’t think this makes things any easier, but I liked it. A lot.” I honestly can admit the smirk that came across my face came out accidentally, but I know he saw it.

“Don’t you think you should be back up at the house with your girlfriend? Wouldn’t want her finding out about what happened right?”

“She doesn’t have a clue, unless you told her.”

“Never. I told you I don’t want to be responsible for killing a celebrity.”

“Besides, it was only once. Not like we’re going to make a habit of it.”

“Right, we gotta get smart again okay? No more of this bullshit that’s been going on. I want my JuJu back.”

“He never went anywhere.”

“Sure he didn’t.” It was getting freezing so we made our way back up to the house where everyone was starting to break off to bed. Justin kissed my cheek goodnight and headed towards the stairs when I broke away towards the back of the house to my room. I stopped short of my doorway when I heard him whisper my name.

“Hm?”

“For one night only, right?” As much as I didn’t want that to be the case, it had to be.

“Exactly.” Right.

“Kiss me at midnight! Dance into the morning light, party into the New Year! All of my friends are here and when the timing’s right, kiss me at midnight!” Trace ran around the almost fully decorated house singing the (entire) old NSYNC song at the top of his lungs, with Justin chasing after him with a roll of streamers in his hand. I watched on as Justin caught up with him when Trace tripped on the first step to the upstairs and wrapped the gold streamer around his mouth and entire face, tightly.

“I told you to shut the hell up!” It wasn’t hard for Trace to rip through the streamer and yell back.

“Don’t be ashamed of where you came from Justin Randall! Get into the damn spirit!” Justin had been in somewhat of a mood since Jessica had to leave the day before because of a family emergency; everyone else in the house (Trace Rachel and I) wasn’t complaining. Trace had gone all out with a New Year’s Eve party, inviting everyone and anyone he met in Aspen and was making all of us decorate the house to “reunite” the four of us since recent events had put somewhat of a damper on the vacation. Trace and Justin had proven to be very entertaining during the whole decoration process; Justin chased Trace, called him names, and threw things at him all because he decided to play NSYNC Karaoke, alone (and very off-key).

“Tee, don’t forget my all time favorite one; and sometimes when I listen to our song, the nights seem so cold and far too long. I wanna call you up cause in the end, I keep writing letters to my garbage can!” I looked over at the two from my spot in the doorway of the kitchen and saw Justin slowly turn his head and shoot his glare at me.

“Oh yes! How the hell did that one pass me by? That’s one of my favorites too!” Trace started to sing the rest of the song that I hadn’t sang.

“You want some too? I’ll tear your ass up.” I smirked at him and said the first thing that came to mind, which may or may not have been the smartest thing to do.

“That a promise?”

“Of course. You should know more than anyone that I keep my promises!” Before I knew it Justin had hopped off of Trace and picked me up over his shoulders, with my head falling right near his ass.

“Put me down you ass! Trace help me!” I lifted my head up to stop the blood from rushing downward and giving me a headache and saw Trace walking out of the room and into the kitchen. “Now’s not the time for food you jackass!” He flipped me the bird and opened the cabinets and pulled out chips to start setting them up in bowls. Justin carried me into my room and threw me down on the bed and closed and locked my door behind him. He walked over to the TV that was in the corner and turned it on and turned the volume up higher than it was before crawling up on top of me.

“Can I help you?”

“I’m about to follow through on my promise.” I felt like he was about to kiss me and it was making me really uncomfortable.

“What ever could you be talking about Justin?”

“Don’t play cute with me.”

“Psh, play? I’m not playing. I am cute.” I wasn’t surprised when Trace busted through the door; Justin had started to tickle the inside of my thighs (the most ticklish part on my body) to get back at me for egging Trace on and he probably heard me screaming (which I’m sure he thought were different screams). When he saw Justin tickling me he went charging at Justin and wrestled him off of me until the both of them were laid out in a jumbled mess, partially on top of me, cracking up.

“I love you guys. It's good to be back...”

“5…4…3…2…1… HAPPY NEW YEAR!” The crowd that had formed in the house was bigger than I had ever seen at a house party in my life; I’m very impressed with Trace’s party throwing skills. As the clock stuck twelve and the ball dropped on TV I was standing with Rachael, each of us with glasses of champagne in our hands. Instead of kissing, we toasted and hugged each other and began to laugh at everyone in the room who was making out (secretly I was envious of everyone who had someone to share their first kiss of the New Year with). A drunken Trace ran up to me a laid a sloppy wet kiss right on my lips, and then did the same to Rachael before running back around the house to make his rounds. Pimp.

“Happy New Year!” I felt hands wrap around my waist and whisper in my ear over the loud music and screaming

“Happy New Year to you too!” I turned around and was met with Justin smiling back at me.

“I know I’m a few seconds late and Trace got to you before I did, but…” And once again he caught me off guard and kissed me. I mean, it was only appropriate right? It was New Year’s Eve and everyone needs a kiss to bring in the New Year! What better than your best friend? At least that’s what I was telling myself when he was shoving his tongue down my throat in front of a bunch of strangers to make the situation seem better.

The party didn’t die out until around 3 so with all of us being worn out we decided to leave the cleaning until the next day and all head to sleep so we could get up and go snowboarding one last time before we left the day after on the 2nd. Somehow it was decided that Justin would sleep in my room with me, I think he was being too lazy to walk up the stairs (and I think it was partly because the only room in the house that stayed clean ended up being mine).

When I got into the room from brushing my teeth Justin was stripping down to his boxers and out of the slacks and sweater he had on for the party, and god damn the man was sexy with his new faux hawk hairstyle. He smiled weakly at me and pulled the covers back for me to climb into my side of the bed before getting in after me. As I was falling asleep I felt him cuddle up against me and whisper in my ear.

“Would you ever go back on it?” And I knew exactly what he was referring to.

“This would make it make it two nights, and we said only one.”

“Who’s counting?”

“I am Jay. I told you I can’t do shit like that. Aren’t you the one who told me I need to find someone to be with and stop settling for anything? Am I supposed to give in just because it’s you? Besides what about Jessica and Kurt, do you not remember them?” He scoffed and removed his arms from around my waist.

“I already told you what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her. And you’re hardly dating that dick, I’m sure he’s fucking some girl right now too. Why would it be any different if you were?” Fucking. That’s all it was to him.

“I said no Jay.”

But we all know I don’t have a fucking back bone when it comes to Justin Randall Timberlake. I said no and meant yes. I said no, and he knew I meant yes.

In the middle of Justin and I having sex (again) I heard a cell phone start to ring through out the room and immediately I knew it was mine. I focused my eyes on Justin who stopped suddenly while inside of me and he shook his head no, wanting to continue.

“I have to.” I have this thing about not answering my phone; it bothers me when I deliberately ignore people’s phone calls, not matter what time of night or day it is.

“Don’t…you...dare...”

“Yes.”

“Hell no, I’m not stopping. That’s bull, ignore it this one time.” He was either going to stop or I was just going to answer during the act and play it off.

“Hello?” I tried to keep my cool as I watched Justin work his magic. He looked up from kissing my neck and glared at me, but that glare quickly turned into a smirk when he started to pump harder and faster into me.

“Happy New Year Alana!” Kurt would be the one to call me after he had just been mentioned.

“Thank you Kurt.” Hearing his name really gave Justin the motivation to work faster, something I’m not really complaining about. I was trying to be as short as possible so I could get off the phone, and not seem so obvious, but he wasn’t having it.

“What have you been up to? It’s been a while since we’ve talked.”

“I’m in Aspen.”

“That’s cool. Are you having fun there? ”

“Mhmm. Yes.” I wasn’t even talking to him. That was directed towards Justin who had started to leave a trail of kisses from my earlobe to my collar bone, knowing that it drives me insane.

“Not want to talk?”

“Tired. Long night. I need to sleep.”

“Alright, well call me whenever then.”

“Okaybye!” I had no time to spare to make those different words as I hung up without waiting for a response from him. Justin looked down at me and shook his head in mock anger before continuing christening the New Year.

“Are you going to think twice about answering the phone next time we’re together?” We were lying in bed after we had finished having sex and I had jokingly made a comment about him wearing me out when he responded.

“Next time? What ever happened to one night only Justin?” He wrapped his arm around my waist while pulling me into him and wiped a wet curl out off of my forehead.

“You’re stupid if you think I meant that.”

“What about Jessica?”

“What about her? Why’s everything always go back to her.”

“Maybe because she’s your girlfriend”

“I don’t know about her anymore. Things are just different…Don’t worry about it though La, okay?... Okay Alana?”

I didn’t say anything after I heard that and pretended that I had fallen asleep listening to him talk. I knew it had been me that made things different for them. As much as I dislike her and her every being, I couldn’t live with the fact that I was the reason he started to second guess their relationship. It’s funny how stupid ass shows like Access Hollywood can say things are happening before they even do.

“Brennan no!” I yelled as she ran out of the front door when I opened it coming in from work. Why hadn’t I locked them up before I left; what the fuck was I thinking? I stood on my porch and watched her run down the street a little before turning back to the glass door at Buckley who was standing nearby watching on with jealousy that she was out roaming free and he was confined to the walls of my tiny house.

“Don’t even think about it. I’m going to kill your sister! Stay.” I threw on the UCONN hoodie that was hanging by the door and my Uggs before running down the street after her. When I was looking into a neighbor’s yard I heard someone yell excuse me from down the block. I turned around and saw a tall unfamiliar man holding Brennan by her pink studded collar, stupid bitch.

“Thank you so much for grabbing her.” I got closer to him and couldn’t help but notice he was at an all time high on the gorgeous scale. I smiled at his six foot frame and looked into his green eyes; god damn he was perfect.

“It’s not a problem. I found her in my backyard with my dog. What’s her name?” I clipped the leash I had grabbed around her collar and lightly yanked over to me.

“Brennan.” He crouched down to pet Brennan’s head but she snapped at him.

“She’s feisty, that’s the second time she’s done that to me.”

“She doesn’t like any males but her Daddy.” I couldn’t believe I was calling Justin her Daddy the way he does, it makes me sick.

“Oh.” He looked a little hesitant to continue talking to me. “No disrespect to your boyfriend or anything but you’re very beautiful.”

“I’m sorry, my boyfriend?”

“Yeah, Brennan’s ‘daddy’. Wouldn’t he be your boyfriend?

“Oh wow no. She’s not my dog.”

“She’s not?”

“Well she might as well be, but I’m just dog sitting for a friend.”

“Then I feel stupid now. My name is Derek.” He held out his hand to shake mine, so I put Brennan’s leash around my wrist and shook his.

“Alana. I haven’t seen you around here, you just move in?” He looked back at the house he came out of and nodded his head.

“Yeah, I just moved into the neighborhood a week ago.” A week before that I was in Aspen; that would explain why I didn’t see him move into my small neighborhood. I didn’t want to seem rude but it was freezing and Brennan was started to pull at the leash so I told Derek I had to go back inside, not before telling him that my door was always open if he needed anything (he had just moved there from Canada and didn’t know anyone around).

I’m sure you’re wondering what happened to Kurt, right? Apparently his phone call during mine and Justin’s rendezvous turned him off a little; he claimed that he figured there was ‘someone else’ in the picture because when we were talking he heard ‘weird noises’ in the background, and I don’t doubt it because Justin wasn’t discreet during the phone call. But once again I was let down by a male and I got the ‘let’s just be friends’ line. When I called Justin after Kurt dropped me off from our final date and told him the news he cracked up hysterically for ten minutes and then said ‘I told you not to answer the phone’. After he was able to regain composure he asked me if I wanted him to get Kurt fired; I was highly tempted but decided against it considering I wouldn’t want someone fucking with how I make a living. I thought Jay was going to comfort me but he kept making slick comments about Kurt instead of telling me I didn’t need him and could do better. Some friend he is, right?

“What’s your friend like?” Derek looked over at me while I was skimming through a rack of men’s clothting at a store in Manhattan. I rolled my eyes and scoffed.

“Spoiled. He has everything and anything you can think of, which is why this is so hard.”

“You’ve been friends with this guy for how long again?” So maybe at that point I hadn’t exactly told Derek who exactly we were shopping for, or whose dogs wanted to bite his head off every time he was in their presence.

“Nine or so years. But like I said, he’s spoiled, and not to mention the pickiest person I’ve ever met in my life. So shopping for him is like house hunting…” I saw his eyebrows furrow in confusing before walking towards the back of the store to most likely shop for himself, since he wasn’t being helpful looking for Justin at all. After a while of shopping around for my favorite spoiled pop star I decided that I was just going to have to figure something out myself because Derek wasn’t enjoying himself on account of hunger and I felt bad. We were about to head into a nearby Burger King when Derek brought up how he’s never eaten at Southern Hospitality but he’s heard good things about it. I tried to avoid going there and made it seem like I didn’t want to sit down and eat but he insisted we go and that he’d pay. When I protested more he asked why I was so set against going there and I didn’t want to tell him so I gave in.

“Hello?” Derek and I had been walking down the street about to go into the doors of the restaurant when my cell phone rang. Sure enough, it was Justin.

“Ay bay bay.” I smiled and rolled my eyes, hoping Derek wasn’t paying attention. Lately he had been answering his phone like that whenever I called him or vice versa.

“Oh gosh hello. What are you up to?” We were brought to a table in the back and given menus. I looked around to see if anyone that would recognize me was working; and when I say anyone I mean Kurt.

“No ay bay bay back? That’s not nice of you. Right now I’m sitting backstage at the arena. We just did our sound check, I met some fans, got my ass kissed a little, you know all that good shit. Now I’m bored and decided to call my favorite person in the world.” I knew it was rude to be on the phone talking to Justin while I was with Derek, but it had been a few days since we’d spoken last due to his busy touring schedule.

“You must have confused my number with Jessica’s.”

“No, I didn’t dial the wrong number this time actually. Where are you? Seems like you got a lot going on in the background.” I looked up from my menu at Derek who was looking at me as if he were telling me to get off the phone but I ignored him and continued to scan the menu of my food options, as if I really needed to.

“Out eating with…a friend.” As soon as I called Derek a friend I looked directly at him and winced when I noticed the confused look on his face.

“Noel?”

“No, Derek.”

“Who’s Derek? Are you on a date or something?”

“Yeah sorta, can I call you back later?”

“Uh actually I’m going to be tired after the show and yeah... So it’s okay, don’t bother. Have fun on your little date though.”

“Oh don’t be like that now. I’ll call you back when I get home.”

“No, it’s alright. Have fun, really. I’ll just see you next week out in LA for my party. You’re still coming to that, right?”

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world and you know that. I’ll text you when I get home, so check your phone when you go on your break and Tim takes over, okay?” I was trying to tell him to check his phone during intermission without making it so obvious.

“Whatever. Talk to you when you’re done dating.”

“Grow up, please. Go call your girlfriend if you have nothing better to do.”

The questioning started to come daily from Derek after that phone conversation with Justin. Every time I would be on the phone when he was around he would question me once I was off and make faces whenever I would say I was talking to Justin (well he knew Justin as Jay, my best friend who was on a business trip for a month) or whenever I would say something about him or Trace (who Derek knew as Tray, Jay’s cousin). Derek was smart though; he knew there was more to it than what I was telling him. I could have answered him truthfully since I really liked him, but how do you tell someone that you’re pursuing a relationship with that you can’t fully commit because you’re fucking your best friend and developing feelings for him in the process?

I guess the same way you tell someone that you’re pursuing a relationship with that you’re flying across the country to see that best friend (that he’s already not too fond of) for a week just for his birthday (apparently that’s not kosher in his eyes).

“So you’re leaving tomorrow?” Derek sat on my bed and watched me as I was packing the last of my stuff in my suitcase to bring out to LA with me for the week I was spending at Justin’s, who was getting off tour just in time for his birthday.

“Yep.”

“Why are you going out there again?” I rolled my eyes, having told him a ton of times already.

“I’m bringing Buckley and Brennan back there. It’s been a good month, but it’s time for them to return to Daddy.” Yeah, I know they were there for three but I couldn’t tell him that. Any smart person would have thought it was weird for someone to be on a business trip for three months.

“So dropping them off takes a week?”

“I’m not spending all that money to go out there for two days then fly back. It’s my best friend’s birthday too, and his party is towards the end of the week.”

“Your best friend Jay, right?”

“Yes, Jay.”

“And you’re staying with him?” I didn’t really know where I was staying at that point. I wasn’t sure if it was ‘safe’ to stay at Justin’s, so there was a possibility I’d be in a hotel or at Trace’s.

“Either with him or at Tray’s.”

“Tray is your other best friend, Justin’s cousin, right?” I know it’s bad that I was lying to him about who Trace and Justin were, but he was already asking tons of questions, I didn’t want to deal with the annoying ones that came when people found out I was friends with ‘celebrities’.

“Correct.”

You can imagine my surprise when I got off of the plane and came face to face with Jessica Biel. I looked around the airport at other terminals and behind chairs and check in counters to see if Ashton or his cameras were nearby, they weren’t.

“Uh hi?” She didn’t look any happier to see me than I was to see her.

“Justin had to go to the studio; I’m bringing you there with him. Although I’m surprised you don’t already know that.” I guess she knew exactly what I was going to ask.

“Where’s Trace or Rachael?”

“Rachael is back in Memphis until Thursday and I don’t know about Trace; I’m not his keeper. I have somewhere to be in 45 minutes, so let’s go.” I clenched my fists at my side and bit down on my tongue real hard in order to keep from saying something smart and smiled at her.

“Ok.” The ride was very uncomfortable and tempting at the same time. It took everything in me not to start shit with her, just for the fun of it. She may try to act like she’s all big dick when I’m around, but I know that she’s intimidated by me; Trace told me that he heard Justin and her talking about it one night. She knows that I’ll always be around; she knows that no matter what happens Justin will always be close with me, which wasn’t necessarily the case with her. Jessica Biel was feeling territorial and I was ready to take her on when she stepped up; I may tell my students that “violence isn’t the way to solve things” but I don’t always back it up, sometimes someone needs to be put back in their place when they step out.

“I know you have feelings for Justin.” Speaking of stepping out, suddenly she grew balls to confront me about Justin.

“Excuse me?”

“I don’t think I stuttered.”

“I’m aware that you didn’t stutter Jessica. I do think you’re excited right now though.” “No Alana. I see the way you two fucking fawn over each other. And somehow whenever your ass is around he’s always reserved and so damn sneaky. The way you two are with each other is just wrong.”

“I don’t see how the fuck it’s wrong? I’m the same way with Justin that I am with Trace.”

“Hardly. Does Trace sneak off to see you in the middle of the night when his girlfriend is lying in bed ‘sleeping’?” I hate when people use little finger quotations and she was getting on my last nerve.

“Is someone a little paranoid that their man is sleeping around on them Jessie?” She didn’t say a word back. Yeah stupid bitch, keep your mouth shut. “I thought so. Don’t sit here and fucking accuse me of having feelings for Justin because you’re worried he’s cheating. You know what, I’d do the same thing though, accuse the person closest to him. Step your fucking game up and you won’t have to worry about all of that.” She parked her truck in front of the door and I smiled, a phony one, as I got out of the car with my suitcase and the dogs.

“I’m here to see Justin Timberlake.” The receptionist at the front desk of the studio looked at me and then down to ‘Double Trouble’ at my side skeptically, I was so glad to be giving them back to Justin. I don’t blame her for looking at me weird though; I had kept my Aviators shielding my eyes and put my beanie on over my curly hair to keep from being recognized as Justin’s ‘mistress’.

“There’s no Justin Timberlake here, sorry.”

“I find that hard to believe. I know he’s in Studio 4, so do you want to let me back or should I call him myself?” She just sat there on her old ass with her arms crossed, so I took out my cell phone and called Justin who came out and brought me back with him. When we were inside of the room, away from the nosy ass secretary, he pulled me into a hug and kissed me lightly on the lips then sat down in the chair next to Timbaland.

“Hey Alana.” I smiled at him when he whispered to me trying not to disturb the quiet atmosphere they had created in the room to make it easier to record.

“Hey Tim. How’s it going?” I felt like an idiot whispering to him.

“It’s going alright. Just hoping this track will get done soon, I’m tired you know?” I didn’t know because I didn’t lead a life like him. I’m the boring school teacher from New Jersey making $40,000 a year, if that; he’s the super producer from Virginia making $500,000 a day for one beat, if not more.

“Yeah.” I went over and sat on Justin’s lap and looked into the booth to see Rihanna singing and became a little star struck by her appearance; I had figured it was only the two of them just playing around like usual.

“Your flight was okay?” I tilted my head sideways and looked at Justin and smiled at the sight of him. He was letting his hair grow out to the length it was during his ‘Justified’ days and he had a beanie similar to mine over his messy mop.

“It was fine. I’m just tired and you’re a jerk for sticking me with your girlfriend and not preparing me first. She almost got her ass beat Jay.”

“I’m sorry, I forgot we had scheduled recording time today. I have no idea where Trace is either or else you know his silly ass would have picked you up. Do I even want to know what happened?”

I shook my head and looked back into the booth where she was bobbing her head to the music and singing, “You might want to know, it had to do with you. We can talk about it later though, you’re working and I’m tired.” Justin nodded his head and kissed me lightly on the lips again only to receive a head shake and a ‘tsk tsk’ from Timbaland. I laughed and got off of his lap and went over to the couch in the back of the room and laid down, but I heard the two of them start talking quietly which made me concentrate more on them and not on going to sleep.

“Shut up, don’t say a word.” I saw Justin point in finger in Tim’s direction as the older man just laughed.

“I wasn’t even gonna say nothing.”

“Bullshit. I know you were about to give me your advice, which I don’t need. Don’t front.”

“All I was gonna say is that’s trouble JT, and you know it.”

“It was just a kiss.”

“That’s more than just a kiss man. What’s she here for?”

“My birthday maybe? And to bring Buckley and Brennan back from being at her place.”

“I meant in here with us.”

“I’m not leaving her alone at my house on her first day out here because I suck at keeping track of my schedule when Rach is gone.”

“Jess ain’t never been in the studio with us before.”

“Jessica also has friends here and a career to keep up.” Ha, yeah right some career. Her career was only moving because of the publicity she was getting from being with Justin, without him she’d still be doing 7th Heaven.

“Aight man, I just think you’re sprung on LaLa. I know there’s something going on between you two. It’s cool if you don’t want to tell me though. I got you.”

“Who told you that you can call her LaLa?”

“Trace.” Justin just laughed and shook his head. I don’t get why he was so defensive about the nickname he gave me, it took Trace two years after we met to be able to call me that. He ignored Tim’s statement about being sprung and pressed a button and spoke into a microphone to let Rihanna know she could come out for a break to hear the track. As I was falling asleep I heard her ask who I was.

“Justin’s girlfriend.” What was this, third grade?

“My best friend Alana. Don’t listen to him.”

“She’s pretty Justin. Where have you been hiding her at?”

“He’s not hiding her anymore, that’s for damn sure.” I saw the three of them turn their heads over to me so I quickly shut my eyes and curled up next to Buckley who had found an empty space next to me to sleep.

After what seemed like hours of sleeping I heard someone faintly saying my name trying to wake me up. I don’t take kindly to being woken up out of my sleep so I was a little hesitant to open my eyes and I was very grouchy once I did.

“What do you want?” I snapped at Justin when I woke up and saw him sitting next to me in the spot where Buckley had been earlier.

“You hungry? Tim and I are going to meet Trace for some dinner. If you’re not you can just take my car and head up to the house.”

“Is Jessica going to be at either of those places?” He shook his head and dug in his pocket for his car keys, knowing that I was going to pick his house and opting out of going out to eat.

“I’ll bring you back something. Do you mind taking them up with you?”

“Nope.” I was trying to be as short as possible with him so I could get out of there and head back to sleep in a comfortable bed and not on a lumpy couch.

Sleeping peacefully in Justin’s big ass bed didn’t last long because I was woken up by Trace and him coming into the house rapping, well Trace was rapping the verses to “Can’t Tell Me Nothing” while Justin sang the chorus. They went on and did that for the majority of the song until they found what they were looking for; me.

“Shut the hell up!” The both of them got in bed on each side of me and Trace grabbed the remote and turned on Justin’s TV, completely zoning out and not paying attention to anything going on around him.

“So do you want to tell me what happened with Jessica now?” I stared at the TV, not really knowing how to break it to him that we had been found out.

“She basically called me out on us sneaking around.”

“Are you serious?”

“As a heart attack.”

“What’d you say to her?” I could tell he was a little nervous from the way he kept pulling at a curl on his head.

“I told her to stop being paranoid.”

“Is that all you said?”

“I may have been a little mean about it, but that’s basically it.” Okay so maybe I lied, I was a bitch but she’ll get over it.

“She called Justin while we were at dinner and let him have it. You two need to cut the shit, you’re hurting people with your horniness.”

“Nobody’s getting hurt Trace.” By telling Trace no one was getting hurt, I was trying to convince myself that sex with Justin is casual and I wasn’t going to end up in the dust again. But Trace knew better because the second those words spilled from my mouth he shot me a ‘yeah fucking right’ look and shook his head. We laid in bed like that for another hour or two before Trace’s sudden ADHD started to kick in and he wanted to go out again. Something told me to stay in the house and go back to sleep. I knew I shouldn’t have followed along with those two, but I did. Why can't I ever listen to my conscience when it tells me to keep my big ass put?

Soon after Trace insisted on going back out the three of us loaded into Justin’s 7 Series BMW and headed to the movies. When Justin parked his car down the street from the theatre there was a swarm of paparazzi waiting for us as if they knew we were going to be there. Clad in ripped up jeans, a vintage concert tee, my white beanie and white Chuck Taylor’s on my feet we brushed passed them the best we could, but it was still hard to escape the assholes.

“Justin! It’s a nice night to be out, isn’t it? What movie are you guys going to see?” Why couldn’t all paparazzi ask questions like that, things would be so much easier if they didn't pry. And Lately Justin had this thing about not being an asshole to the paparazzi so of course he answered him.

“It is a nice night and we’re not sure yet. You guys have a good night though.” That wasn’t enough for them, one of the other assholes decided to pry.

“Who’s that with Trace? Is that Alana Justin? Is she out here for your birthday this week? Alana what’d you get Justin for his birthday?” Justin turned around and looked at me apologetically; I was hoping they didn’t notice me with my curly hair straightened and my beanie pulled low on my face but they did. I knew I had to answer or else things would have been turned negatively on me, although I’m sure they were already having a field day taking pictures of Trace and I holding hands.

“If I told you what I got Justin for his birthday that’d spoil everything, now wouldn’t it?”

“Where’s Jessica tonight Justin?”

“Her mother’s in town this weekend.”

“Does she know Alana is in town? How does she feel about you Alana?” Those assholes were really starting to get on my nerves and Trace could tell from the way I grabbed his hand harder as we got closer to the door.

“She knows, she picked me up from the airport actually.” They didn’t have to know that Jessica and I hated each other. If I made it seem like Jessica and I liked each other maybe they would lay low with the ‘rumors’ going around.

“Are you and Trace dating? What happened to Justin?” The camera flashes were starting to get on my nerves more than their annoying catcalls.

“We have been for months. I lend her off to Justin every once in a while when I wanna shake the shit outta her. He puts her in place then sends her back my way. You know?” I love that man. Justin and I started to crack up at Trace’s response, knowing they were going to quote him word for word and then some online or in magazines. We walked in the door to the movies, still cracking up. We ended up seeing a movie Jessica had just finished, much to my dislike. Sure enough, when the movie was over they were outside stalking us still.

“Have I ever told you guys how much I hate LA?” I could already hear the idiots outside of the door getting excited that we were coming back out.

“Yeah, every fucking day you lived here with us you mentioned it. I think we’re aware.”

It’s the truth. When I stayed with Justin when I was getting back on my feet after Tommy I brought up my hatred for LA at least once a day. It seemed like everyone there was only trying to make it in the entertainment industry; every girl I came in contact with while I lived there either wanted to be a model or an actress. No one cared about who they had to step on, or fuck for that matter, to get their way to the top. You may think I’m lying when I say this, but girls have hit on me while I lived there when they found out who I lived with. I’ve had my fair share of girls using me as their friend to get to Justin, which didn’t really work out in their favor. And I hate the fact that celebrities can’t step out of your house without people following up your ass; get a real job, get a life. There were countless times that Trace (when he wasn’t so well known) and I got followed back to Justin’s just because we were seen around town with him occasionally.

“Have I ever told you that I hate LA even more as of this moment?” We were making our way to get a late night ‘meal’ since I hadn’t eaten with them when I let go of Justin’s hand and stopped walking. The two of them walked a few feet in front of me before realizing I wasn’t in the middle of them anymore. When they stopped to look at me they noticed I was staring ahead of them at something.

“Oh wow.” Yeah, wow is right Justin.

“Just keep walking La, we’re almost there.” How the fuck do you keep walking when you see someone you were head over heels with at one point kissing all up on some girl? But I did keep walking, that is until I heard my name come from his mouth.

Tommy looked the same as he did when we were together; he was still the very tall and thin (gorgeous) Puerto Rican man that I had fallen in love with years earlier. When we locked eyes I could have sworn I saw sympathy pass by him; he always had this ability to read me through my eyes. I could tell he felt bad that I was still the same person in every aspect of life; I was still hanging out with the same two people, clearly I wasn’t with anyone, and while I was wearing ripped jeans and my shirt that I had since the two of us had dated, he was wearing his usual designer clothes that most likely cost what my mortgage does in a month. The girl he had on his arm was gorgeous as well; she was much taller than I was with long brown hair and was very skinny and busty (not that I’m not busty, but my size 7 was obese compared to her size 00).

“Hi.” I shouldn’t have stopped walking, I should have just kept going and pretended like I wasn’t Alana. Stupid legs, why did they have to betray me?

“How have you been?” He wasn’t looking at me when he asked me though. Tommy was staring dead at Justin and Trace who were standing on guard directly behind me. I could see that he was somewhat intimidated and amused.

“I’ve been alright.” He looked up and down at what I was wearing and smiled.

“I see that. Still got your bodyguards following you around too, that’s cool.” He laughed a little but no one followed after him. I didn’t find it amusing and I’m sure Justin and Trace were ready to rearrange his pretty face.

“I see you’ve been alright too.” Tommy saw me look at the bimbo hanging onto his arm.

“This is my fiancé. Laura this is Alana, an old friend.” At that point I felt like he had shoved his hand through my chest and ripped my heart out while enjoying every bit of it. Tommy knew I was lonely and he was lapping in my misery. I had been demoted from ‘his first love’ to an old friend. Ouch, right?

“Nice to meet you Alana, Tommy’s told me a little about you. Tommy baby, I’m going to head to the car. I’ll see you there?” He reached into his pocket and handed her the keys and kissed her before she walked away. I couldn’t help but notice the small bulge in her stomach when she turned sideways to walk away.

“Wow Thomas, getting married and having a baby? I thought you’d never commit. That’s a big step for you, isn’t it? Congratulations though, I’m happy for you.” I didn’t mean that, in case you were wondering.

“Thanks. What about you Alana, there a lucky guy in your life?” Again he looked past me and smirked at Justin and Trace.

“Actually…”I was ready to declare how much of a loser I was when Justin cut me off.

“Yeah, there is.” I felt his strong arms wrap around me from behind. What the hell was Justin talking about? He knew as well as I did that I was lonely as hell.

“I knew you two would always end up together. Well I hope you’re happy, best of luck to the both of you.” He shot a grin that was always plastered on his face when Justin was around and walked away towards the Bentley Laura had gotten into a few seconds earlier. When he got in and started the car I turned towards my two best friends and frowned.

“Can we head back to your place Jay?” They didn’t even have to respond, I knew the answer was going to be yes. Suddenly everything in my world changed. I had lost my appetite and it had become hard to breathe. I felt like someone had placed a bag of bricks on my chest and kept adding on more weight.

From the moment Trace helped me into the backseat of Justin’s car everything had been a blur. I don’t remember going back to Justin’s and drinking him out of house and home. I don’t remember calling Noel and crying on the phone about how fucked up my life is and how I was going to die alone because everyone wanted to just be friends with me. I don’t remember waking up in the middle of the night after I had passed out and going into Justin’s room for a late night fuck, but I did.

I did all of that and felt like I had been hit with an aluminum bat repeatedly when I woke up the next morning. When my eyes opened I saw that I was alone in Justin’s king sized bed and I didn’t remember how I got there. I let my eyes focus and looked around the room at my strewn clothes and groaned loudly when I tried to move and felt extremely sore, the night’s events hit me hard. As I picked up the pillow from Justin’s side of the bed and held it tightly over my face I heard the door from Justin’s bathroom open and close.

“What are you doing?” I didn’t bother to take the pillow off of my face to know that Justin had just come out of the shower and was most likely naked.

“Trying to kill myself, what does it look like? Just leave and you can say you didn't see anything.” God damn why did he have to laugh, I fucking love his laugh. I felt a hand grasp the pillow firmly and yank it off of me, asshole. I looked up at him and noticed that he was, in fact, just putting on his boxers.

“Can you get dressed please? And stop talking so loud.” I knew he wasn’t yelling, that was just my hangover talking.

“You didn’t seem to mind me being butt nekkid last night when you were screaming my name.”

“I wasn’t screaming.” I’m sure I was screaming though, the aching between my legs let me know that it wasn’t just any normal night of sex between the two of us.

“Yeah, you were screaming La. Trace pounded on the walls a few times.”

“Whatever.”

“Why’d you get so upset over Tommy?”

“He’s engaged and going to have a fucking baby. He didn’t want my fucking baby, but he’s having one with her. What is so wrong with me Jay? What does she have that I don’t, other than fake tits? I killed my fucking kid because of him…my baby…” I couldn’t finish my breakdown because Justin’s house phone started to ring uncontrollably while he was getting dressed, which left me to answer it.

“What?” I wasn’t happy and I was letting it be known to anyone who came in contact with me.

“Put Justin on the phone.”

“Well good afternoon to you too Jessie.”

“I didn’t call to speak to you.” I got up out of bed and brought the cordless phone over to Justin who was standing inside of his unusually large closet putting on a pair of jeans.

“Yeah?”

“Girlfriend’s on the phone and she seems a little PO’ed.” He rolled his eyes and snatched the phone form me.

Instead of waiting around to see what was happening with Justin and Jessica I left the room and went downstairs to grab something to eat and see what Trace was up to. Don’t ask me why he didn’t just stay in his own house, Trace is strange like that.

“Morning.”

“It’s the afternoon La.” He was sitting at the island in Justin’s kitchen skimming through his Sidekick.

“Same difference. What are you doing shrimp?”

“Looking for an old text with the number to the club where Jay’s party is, I’ve got to give it to Lynn to so she make an appointment to finalize all the details. I see you’re feeling better from last night.”

“Better? I feel worse. Why the hell did you guys let me drink myself into oblivion?” I looked at the fridge and saw the number Trace was looking for on a bright green post it and handed it to him.

“Thanks. And we didn’t let you. I tried to pry that bottle of Grey Goose out of your hands many times and you put up a tough fight for it. I gave up and let you drink it; Justin took over when you started to down his bottle of Hypnotiq.” I made at face at Trace when he told me I drank that nasty blue shit; I hate Hypnotiq for the simple fact that it gets me shit faced and very friendly with random people and it was Tommy’s drink of choice when he felt I needed to be smacked around.

“Great.”

“I don’t get why you let Tommy get to you like that. I know he’s a dick, and he’s just lucky I didn’t beat his ass right then and there…” Trace may be littler than Justin and Tommy but he can sure pack a punch. Tommy knows that first hand, of course.

“We all know why I let Tommy get to me Trace. Why do you let Tommy get to you?”

“He’s an asshole. He makes it hard for the good guys to get by with girls.” Before I could even answer Justin came running down the back steps that led into his kitchen. Trace and I looked at him like he had two heads while he stood and caught his breath by the back door.

“What the hell man? Who died?”

“Go get my laptop from my office. I’ve got something to show you guys.” Trace went and got the laptop and brought it back to the kitchen. Justin sat in front of it and opened up one of those celebrity blog websites and in the first margin there were pictures and a video of us walking down the street from the night before. One picture in particular that Justin was focused on was a picture of him and I sitting on the edge of his pool, kissing. Damn those mother fuckers work fast because I knew that picture couldn’t have been taken any other day.

“Oh good Lord.”

“Good Lord is right. Where the hell were these assholes hiding?” I wasn’t worried about where they were hiding; I was worried that I didn’t remember anything after getting in the BMW after running into Tommy. I don’t remember being by the pool with Justin. I knew I was extremely gone if I couldn’t even remember that.

“You guys are in some shit now when Jess finds out.”

“What the hell do you think Jessica just called me for? She’s pissed.”

“Yeah thanks for stating the obvious Trace.” My cell phone started to ring on the far side of the counter next to Trace so he answered it.

“No, does this sound like Alana to you? Who’s this?” He paused for a minute before answering whoever it was back, “Tray? No this is Trace…” I snatched my phone from his ear when I figured out it was Derek. I didn’t feel like talking to him to hear what he said to say so I snapped my phone shut. Mean, I know.

We sat around the kitchen joking around and trying to figure out what we were going to do about the pictures when Mama Lynn walked into Justin’s house followed by Uncle Johnny. Great, right?

It had been a while since I saw my Uncle so I got off the barstool and ran over to him, hoping that he wasn’t pissed off about the pictures and videos that surfaced.

“Hey baby girl.” He kissed my forehead when he hugged me, but looked at me sternly as if he were telling me that I was fucking up big time.

“Hi Uncle JJ, hey Mama Lynn.” She hugged Justin then Trace then made her way over to me with open arms and a big ass smile on her face.

“Uh Mama, what’s the cheesy grin for?”

“You guys could have told me you two were together.”

“Uh, we’re not?” She looked back and forth between the two of us and frowned.

“What do you mean you’re not together?”

“Have you forgotten about Jessica Ma?”

“I thought things were rocky between you two?”

“They are, that doesn’t mean LaLa and I are together. You of all people should know not to believe those tabloids. I'm surprised at you.” The room fell silent and the two adults just looked between the two of us.

"Then what's going on you guys?" I looked towards Uncle Johnny who had asked the question then looked back at Trace who was silently laughing. Way to show support to your two best friends buddy.

"We were just having fun. Alright?"

Telling Uncle Johnny, who is basically in charge of Justin, and Mama Lynn that Justin and I were just fuck buddies was very much out of the question. I couldn't let Uncle Johnny down and let him know that I was messing around with his client and I couldn't bring the wool out from over Lynn's eyes. I didn't want to seem like some tramp in their eyes because at times that's what I felt like.

Strangely Lynn wasn't upset about the pictures that surfaced. Though Lynn was somewhat happy I knew other people weren't going to be and I was going to have to pay for it.

The end of my stay in LA came rather quickly, which also meant Justin’s birthday was just around the corner. Although 27 isn’t really a big deal, Lynn and Trace went all out planning a party for him which meant while they were getting everything in order I got stuck alone with Justin, not that I’m really complaining. On the day of Justin’s birthday (and the party), Trace and Lynn went down to the club to supervise the set up early in the morning and left the two of us to fend for ourselves until 8 that night.

“What are you wearing tonight Jay?” I yelled to Justin as he was coming into the living room from the kitchen and sat down on the other side of the couch I was on.

“My birthday suit!” I shook my head and turned on the TV to ignore him. We sat in silence watching reruns of NEXT for a few hours before Justin got restless.

“Wanna go out and do something for a while?”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know. We can shop for something to wear tonight. I’m just bored outta my fucking mind.”

“Where’s Jessica?” Yeah, she forgave him. Stupid broad.

“I’m not sure. When she called to say happy birthday she told me she had errands to run so she’d just see me tonight. Why are you asking?” I could tell something was off about his response but I decided not to question the birthday boy.

“No reason. I just figured since she’s your girlfriend she’d want to spend the day with you on your birthday. But I guess not." He laid across the couch, put his head in my lap, and clutched onto my thighs before sighing softly. I knew Justin long enough at the point to know that meant he was tired and ready for a nap.

“It’s cool. I’ve got all the company I need. To be honest, I’d rather be alone all day then go out tonight.” That’s when I knew something was wrong; Justin Timberlake never turns down alcohol and a party.

“Why, what’s wrong?”

“I bet you most of those people there tonight will only be there to say they went to Justin Timberlake’s party. They’re not coming because they care, they’re coming for bragging rights. I could pick a handful of people that I want and have a party here; I didn’t need to spend oober amounts of money for a club and whatever else Trace and Mom planned.”

“I’ll tell you what, the second you want to go let me know and we’ll be out of there faster than you can happy birthday. That sound cool to you?” Buckley came and sat down at my feet and covered Justin's face in spit with his abnormally large tongue.

“Yuck. Thanks for the birthday loving, but get out of here you big dummy I just saw you licking your ass. Now I have to go wash my face,” he joked with the dog who just stayed perched in the same place, “yeah that sounds good if we can escape without anyone knowing. Where would we go though?”

“You’re the birthday boy, not me. Wherever you want to go we’ll go. Alright?” He nodded his head in my lap and stayed quiet, I knew he was falling asleep so I decided to not bother him and let him sleep for a while. So much for wanting to get out of the house.

Stepping out of his Ferrari, Justin handed his keys to the valet and jogged over to my door to help me out before the creepy valet could. He smiled and looked down at the black tube dress and heels that I was wearing and nodded his head in approval.

“I know I told you this before we left my house, but you look fucking amazing tonight.” I smiled and looked at his black slacks, dress shoes, and the navy sweater he had on over a blue and black striped button up and nodded at him.

“You look pretty damn stunning yourself Mr. Timberlake. You ready to go get your ass kissed in there?”

“Only if you’re doing the majority of the ass kissing Ms. Gagliardi.” We made our way inside to be met with a loud roar of “Happy Birthday!” the second our bodies were through the doorway. Justin flashed a fake grin and pretended to be shocked by all of the people who were there to see him. I broke apart from him and found Rachel over in a corner already drinking while Justin chatted it up with his guests and showed off Jessica on his arm, who looked a hot mess if I do say so myself.

For most of that night I stood in the background as the best friend, talked to some of Justin’s relatives that flew out and hung around with my Uncle Johnny when he wasn't busy with the record executives attending the part. When I finally caught a glimpse of Justin, he was in the center of the club talking to JC and a few other people that I didn’t recognize. I was amazed at the 10,000 watt smile that was on his face when he saw Joey and Chris make their way over to him; in the years that I had known Justin he was always extremely happy when he was around his former band mates, they had been through so much together and they meant the world to him, though some people may not think so. It was an amazing sight to see him that happy again; they bring him happiness that even Trace and I can’t bring to him and he deserved to feel that way on his birthday.

It was so hard to fathom that it had been almost a decade since we met back at Uncle Johnny’s wedding; Justin’s father had made it out for his party and had mentioned that to me. When it was time to cut the cake and sing ‘Happy Birthday’ Trace made everyone shut up so we could toast to Justin.

“First of all, I just want to thank everyone for keeping their mouths shut about the details of the party, especially Joey and Chris since I know what big mouths you guys have,” everyone laughed before he continued, “but to the real reason why we’re here tonight, happy birthday Jay! You’re finally twenty seven, and damn we’re getting old. Who knew the two childhood friends from good ol' Millington would still be causing trouble around the globe at 27? I hope you’re enjoying yourself tonight. This is all for you man!” Trace raised his drink at Justin, and Justin did the same back at him before the two of the downed their full glasses of Jack Daniels.

“I know I said it earlier in the day, but happy birthday JayJay! I don’t know if any of you realize this, but it’s been almost 10 years since Justin and I were the awkward 15 and 17 year olds at my Uncle Johnny's wedding. We didn't really like each other all that much that day because Justin was a pompous ass because I was extremely under developed which I know is hard to believe,” when I said that a picture of us from Uncle Johnny’s wedding flashed on a screen that had been showing pictures of Justin all night behind me and everyone started to crack up at how hideous and miserable we looked together, “You’ve become an amazing person Jay, inside and out, and I’m glad to call you my best friend!” Trace hit me hard in my side, “Okay I’m glad to call you one of my best friends. Thank you for being there and taking me in a few years back so I could get on my feet, I’m sure I’d be somewhere selling my body on the corner if it weren’t for you. You’re 27 now, god damn you old man. I hope 27 treats you as good as 26 did. Make me proud of you again this year boy!” When I was done he came up on the stage and hugged me and whispered a thank you in my ear before going back down to where his uncut cake was. Everyone sang happy birthday and he was able to cut the cake and carry on with getting his ass kissed by people he’s never met before.

Towards the end of the night Justin was finally able to get away from his friends and family and found me in the back of the room sitting by myself. I had out my phone and had been texting away with Derek all night to keep me company.

“I know you’re not texting Derek on my birthday.” He sat down in the booth next to me and took a sip of my water, only to make a face. “What the fuck are you drinking water for?”

“I think I’ve had enough alcohol for the two of us in this past week, thanks to you, don’t you? And actually I am texting Derek, I don’t see the problem. You’ve been out there dry fucking your girlfriend all night." He brought his face really close to mine before glancing sideways to see if anyone was watching. When he was sure no one was looking at us he brought his lips onto mine for a quick, yet passionate kiss and pulled away. His touch sent shivers down my spine and I’m sure he knew it from the way he looked at me when he was done.

“I’ve been dancing with Jess all night, but wanting to do that to you. Derek can’t do that, can he?” Told you.

“What is your beef with Derek? You don’t even know him and you’ve been talking shit about him since you found out we were sort of dating.”

“He doesn’t deserve you.”

“You don’t even know him to say that Jay. Who does deserve me if Kurt didn’t and Derek doesn’t?”

“They just don’t deserve you, okay?”

“And I'll ask it again, who does?”

“Look, it’s my birthday can we save this for another day? Let’s just go, okay?”

“I’m having fun actually. And Mama Lynn and Trace put a lot of effort into this, I’m sure they’d be crushed if you booked out early.”

“You’re having a good time? By yourself? Yeah fucking right LaLa. I’ve been watching you all night and since Rachel left you’ve looked miserable as fuck sitting here alone. I’m ready to go and you said we can leave whenever I want to. So let's bounce.” I grabbed his hand so he would shut up and slid out of the booth and lead him to the door. Nobody likes a complaining pop star.

I took the valet ticket from his pants pocket and went to get the car to bring it around back so we weren’t swarmed by people and their questions outside of the club. When I saw him come out of the back door we switched places so he could drive and he pulled out in the direction of his house.

“Where to La?”

“You’re the birthday boy, you pick.” He made a U-turn and went in the opposite direction we were going.

“So what’d you get me for my birthday.”

“I’ll give it to you when we get wherever we’re going. It’s not a Rolex or anything extravagant. What’s going on for later though?”

“I don’t need another Rolex or anything over the top, so thank you in advance. And what do you mean? Nothing is going on later.”

“I meant are you and Jessica doing something or…”

“Yeah we should talk about that, we’re not really together anymore because…” But he didn’t finish, and I didn’t ask. Instead of letting the silence kill me I turned on his IPod and let the music play. Ironically “Misery Business” started to flood through the speakers of his car; imagine the smile I had on my face listening to that song.

Soon enough Justin was pulling up near the beach and turning into a vacant parking lot. He came around to my side and opened the door up for me to get out. I grabbed the bag in the back seat on my way out and took his hand to brace myself to get out.

“Santa Monica Pier?”

“The beach, not the pier. I’m not down with being around tons of people right now if you haven’t noticed. We walked down to the edge of the beach and just stood there watching the waves and listening to the sounds coming from the people and rides on the pier. After standing in silence for a few minutes I picked up the bag at my side and handed it to Justin for him to open it.

“Happy birthday. I really hope you like its. It’s kinda corny.” He sat down in the sand and started to rummage through the tissue paper to get to the actual gift. When he pulled the book from the bag he looked at me awkwardly before opening it to see what was inside. I stood and watched him skim through the pages of the scrapbook and his look of confusion change into a bigger smile with each page until he was finally done.

“Wow. Thank you LaLa.” He held out his arms for me to sit in between his legs so he could wrap them around me in a makeshift hug.

“You like it?”

“I love it, and it's not corny at all. I can’t believe you have some of these pictures still.” Justin opened up to the first page and laughed at one of the pictures of the two of us from the wedding, the same exact one from the screen earlier. Instead of buying him something material, I spent countless nights staying up beyond my normal bed time to finish it in time for his birthday; it meant a lot to me to compile some of our memories into a book, and I was hoping it meant something to him too.

For like the millionth time that day we sat in silence and just enjoyed each other’s company. I had known at that point that my feelings for Justin were stronger than I had originally thought, but it didn’t really hit me until I was sitting in his arms on the beach. Watching him interact with all of those people at his party even if he didn’t want to made my respect for him raise to an astronomical level; he may not have realized it but Justin probably made the nights of so many of his guests.

That man had touched my life in so many ways I can’t even begin to describe them. I knew that nothing could come out of our weird relationship we had developed though; even though they weren’t together, he had Jessica and Derek was a new figure in my life that I expected to be there for a while. I didn’t fit into his world either; I couldn’t be the beautiful starlet that he was used to dating. I was a 24 year old girl who originated from Connecticut and hated LA, whose body was flawed and not to mention I’m biracial. Justin’s family and friends may have been accepting of me as a ‘black’ woman but his fans sure as hell wouldn’t have been the same. Hell, people were already talking shit about me when I was in public, imagine how bad it would have been if we were together.

“Would I be crazy asking you to move back out here?” I like to think it was the alcohol he consumed talking, but I knew he was being serious.

“Yes you would be.”

“Why?”

“I can’t just up and leave my students, house and family behind because you broke up with your girlfriend and want your fuck buddy close by so you can get off as you please.”

“Is that what you think you are? Just my fuck buddy? You of all people should know that I don’t use people for sex LaLa. I’ve told you before that I feel something between us.”

“Way to show it.”

“You know I’d do anything for you Alana. You know that you mean more to me than just getting off. I shouldn’t have to prove that you to for you to know it.”

“I just can’t leave my life behind because you want me to.”

“I’m not asking you to leave your life Alana. Just think about it okay? I’ll help you get your foot in the door out here. Don’t say no until you’ve thought about it. Please.” I felt his lips start to kiss on my neck and at that point I couldn’t even stay upset.

I know, I know. I shouldn’t have just let him kiss on me and have that be the end of everything, but it was the boy’s birthday for Pete’s sake. I didn’t pay 80 bucks for that Vickie’s Secret lace cami set to not wear it.

With Justin and Jessica broken up I knew things were going to heat up between us. A few days after Justin’s birthday I had to head back home to get back to work which was something I was really looking forward to. As much as I love being with Justin and Trace the East Coast is my home and my job teaching means the world to me. If my job in Jersey meant so much to me, then why was I seriously thinking about up and leaving?

“Alana, if you don’t mind me asking, what’s going on with you and Justin?” I looked across my kitchen table at Derek who was staring at me waiting for an answer.

“What would be happening Derek?”

“Ever since you got back from LA you’ve just seemed off, you're really moody lately, you know? And he calls you like crazy, and you never answer. What’s going on?”

“We just got into a little argument about Jessica, that’s all.” How was I supposed to tell him that I was thinking about moving in with Justin? You would have done the same thing, so don’t look at me like that.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’m positive.” We finished up the rest of our breakfast and we went our separate ways to work. I wasn’t excited about going into work like I had thought I would be. Since I had gotten back from being out on the West coast my classes had been acting up and slacking off, which was really bringing my mood down horribly.

 
Soon after that, I walked up and down the aisles of my classroom in a bad mood, handing back the timed writings my AP class did the day before, “I’m extremely disappointed with the scores on these papers you guys. Threes and Fours? Come on you guys. What happened to the sevens and eights you were getting before break?” I heard a chorus of grumbles before Jamal raised his hand.

“You haven’t been here for almost two weeks Ms G. The subs ain’t do shit with us.”

“Yeah, while you were out running around in Hollywood with old dude and all them celebrities we were stuck here with Old Ms. Hickman who don’t know shit about nothing.”

“I’m sorry I was gone for so long guys, but seriously how hard is it to read a passage from the book and explain how the author’s diction supports the theme? You’ve done it a million times; don’t blame my absence for your laziness. We’re not on Winter Break anymore; it’s time to get your asses in gear because I’m not the one who’s going to be getting some slack on my college classes if I pass it, you are.” No one responded because they knew I was right; my absence shouldn’t be the reason for their slacking.

“Take out a sheet of paper; we’re doing another writing to try to cancel out these horrible scores. I’m taking the best score out of the two so for those who did horribly yesterday you have a chance to redeem yourself.” I heard binders snap open and protests come from the mouths of my students, but I wasn’t having it.

“I don’t want to hear the moans and groans; you’re doing this writing regardless of how you feel. I want you to read “Of Youth and Age” by Francis Bacon and…” I turned around to my white board and started to write down their writing prompt, “explain how Bacon achieved his purpose using two or three of these: selection of detail, organization, use of imagery and antithesis. You’ve got 55 minutes; I’ll let you know when 15 minutes is up, you’ll begin writing after that.” After giving them the prompt I went and sat down at my desk to grade more papers for my next class.

I sit here and tell you constantly how much teaching means to me and how much I wouldn’t trade my job for anything in the world, but I don’t tell you about the days where I want to rip my hair out and quit right there on the spot. My AP English Language and Composition class consisted of about 10 inner city kids (among suburban kids) who were very intelligent but couldn’t get the education they deserved back in their own cities so they enrolled in a program to attend a suburban school. Even though they’re extremely bright students, they’re still 17 year olds and they still have the world’s worst attitudes; I felt bad when I had to put them back in their place. They needed to realize that I was their elder and not their peer, which they forgot regularly and thought they could speak to me any way they wanted. When Justin was brought into our class discussions somehow, I would always get really defensive and have to bust out my ‘mom voice’ which they didn’t like at all, but I needed to do my job, right?

For the first few weeks I was back home, the times where it got hard to cope with their attitudes were the times when I seriously thought about taking Justin up on his offer and moving out to LA; I was sure I could get a job at some private school out there teaching spoiled rich kids who didn’t talk back and get paid more without the hassle, but that would be wrong, right?

When I got home from work that day I saw Derek’s car in his driveway so I walked over there to see what he was doing home early. When I walked into his house I could smell that he was cooking so I followed the scent and found him standing over his stove.

“Hey sexy. What are you making?” He practically jumped ten feet in the air and turned around to look at me.

“Holy shit Alana, you scared me. My mom’s going to be here in about an hour so I’m making some pasta and her homemade sauce. Do you want to join us for dinner?” It only been about two months and he already wanted me to meet his mom, this guy was moving fast.

“No that’s okay I’ve got some tests to grade and notes to take for my classes tomorrow. You two enjoy though, maybe I'll meet her tomorrow.”

“Come on Alana; my mom wants to meet you.” Sure enough I had given in and stayed for dinner to meet Derek’s mom. When Derek opened the door to let her in I was met with one of the tiniest women I’ve ever seen in my life, looks can be deceiving. When we were sitting down at dinner I was extremely nervous; I could see her sizing me up from across the table and it was making me want to run out of the house screaming.

“Derek tells me you’re a teacher, how is that?” I swallowed the heap of garlic bread I was chewing and tried to find my words to speak.

“I love it actually. I’ve always loved my English teachers in high school; I originally was going to go to law school but I couldn’t see myself being in school for that long. My English teacher during senior year really influenced me to go into education.”

“That seems a little cliché if you ask me.” Yeah and I wasn’t asking you. Bitch.

“Uhh…” What was I supposed to say to that?

“So are you from New Jersey originally?”

“No I was born and raised in Connecticut, and even went to college there. I moved out to LA for a while to live with some friends and then moved back here when I found my teaching job.”

“Los Angeles? What in the world would make you want to live out in that dump?” Seriously I was getting ready to reach across the table and strangle her nosy Canadian ass, but I kept my cool because the worst thing for a relationship is a mother that doesn’t approve.

“I had just gotten out of college and my two best friends live out there and had never lived anywhere but Connecticut, I figured it'd be a new experience. My friend Justin offered to let met stay with him for a while so I took him up on the offer.”

“So you lived with a guy?” Where the hell did this lady come from, the FBI?

“I lived with two actually…”

“You look very familiar, where have I seen you before?” Thank God for Derek because at that point I was ready to smack the shit out of his mother, and that wouldn’t have been pretty.

“Ma, enough with the questions. How’s everyone back home?”

“Nonsense Derek. I’m just trying to get to know the girl you’ve been seeing, that isn’t a problem. Right honey?”

“Right.”

“What is it that your parents do? I swear I’ve seen you somewhere before.”

“My Dad owns a construction company in New Hampshire and my Mom is an accountant back in CT.”

“Divorced parents? Hmm, are you the only child dear?”

“No mam. I have two older brothers; Jimmy is 33 and Isaac is 30 who both just came back from Iraq.” I was waiting for her to say something smart about my brothers because I was really going to go off on her; you don’t mess with my family.

“That’s fantastic, they must be great men. I’m sure your parents are proud of them.” She put the extra emphasis on them and bit into her spaghetti.

 
Dinner pretty much sucked and afterwards was even worse. The three of us were sitting around looking at pictures of Derek when he was a baby and listening to Derek’s mom talk about how well his family back home was doing when something caught my eye on the TV. For some reason the TV had been on Entertainment Tonight and lucky me, it had been a story on Justin’s birthday party from the week before. Derek’s mom looked up from the pictures she was looking at just in time to see a picture of Trace and I standing on stage giving our toast to Justin.

“That’s you, isn’t it?” I tried to change the channel but she snatched the remote out of my reach before I could. The pictures changed from Trace and I to Justin hugging me and kissing me softly on the side of my cheek, both of us wearing huge ass endearing smiles on our faces. The host continued to talk about who attended the party and what went on, and then pictures of me walking outside alone came on the TV screen.

“But while the festivities continued on inside for most of the night, the birthday boy’s best friend, Alana Gagliardi, was photographed picking up Justin’s car from the valet before driving around back and helping him escape from his own party. Paparazzi caught his Ferrari peeling out of the club parking lot and managed to snap a picture of the two of them, with Justin now behind the wheel. Where could they have been going and without Justin’s girlfriend Jessica Biel and Alana’s rumored boyfriend, William Rast designer, Trace Ayala? They weren’t spotted anywhere after their escape but it has been confirmed from sources close to Justin that the two are just friends and Alana is back at home in New Jersey. From the pictures and videos that have surfaced it looks that Justin had a great birthday. Happy belated birthday Justin…”

I know I shouldn’t have been laughing, but I was; people had actually bought the story that Trace fed to those paparazzi earlier in that week. My one person laughing fest was cut short by the annoying shrill of Derek’s mom’s voice.

“That’s where I recognized you from. You’re supposed to be dating my son, yet you’re gallivanting around Los Angeles with celebrities and leaving clubs early with them going God knows where to do God knows what. Is that who you lived with when you lived out there?”

“Yes. We’ve been friends for almost ten years.”

“Friends, yeah right.”

“Look, I don’t get what you’re issue is with me. I’m not marrying your son so I don’t get what’s with the third degree? So what if I lived out in LA with someone famous, who the hell cares lady? My parents were okay with it and that’s really all that fucking matters.”

“Alana!” Derek tried to scold me, but I wasn’t having it. He’s not my father; he couldn’t tell me how to act.

“No Derek, don’t Alana me! I don’t understand why she’s grilling me like that. Damn if this is what I have to deal with dating you I’m definitely moving back to Los Angeles.” I really didn’t mean to blurt that out, but I did and I felt bad after I saw the look of shock on his face.

“You’re moving back out there? When were you going to tell me?” He acted like I had just run over his dog with my car; we had only been ‘dating’ for two months so I don’t see why it was such a big deal to him.

“I haven’t even decided for sure if I was going to. It was brought up last week when I was back there for Justin’s birthday.” His mom scoffed and started to mumble things under her breath that were inaudible.

“So you’re going to just up and move out there?”

“I don’t know right now Derek, probably not. Listen I need to go home and get my shit together for work tomorrow. It was nice meeting you Martha.” I had never been good at meeting mothers; Tommy’s mom didn’t like me when she first met me because she found out I wasn’t Puerto Rican like she wanted for her son, but that changed when she realized how much in love we were. I felt that Martha’s dislike for me could have been racially motivated; it wouldn’t have been the first time that was the case for me.

When I got into my door a few minutes later my house felt extremely lonely. As much as I complained about them being there I missed Buckley and Brennan waiting for me when I got home every day. Even with having to buy a new couch, replace tons of picture frames and pillows and having to get the leather in my truck redone I loved having the company in my house for three months. I was so used to being drooled on in my sleep or woken up by the incessant barking in the middle of the night that I couldn’t rest easy for the first few days without them.

The constant phone calls from Justin didn’t stop though; he called daily to check on things the way he had when I was taking care of his ‘precious babies’. So when I walked into my house after my horrible dinner that night I wasn’t surprised to see the red light on my machine blinking.

“LaLa, it’s kinda late to be out on a school night, where are you?,” his voice got extremely soft and he sounded extremely down, “I miss you girl; shit it ain’t the same without you yelling at me to clean up after myself or without your fine behind in my arms when I wake up. Buckley and Brennan miss your ass too, you know they sit at the front door and whimper all day and night waiting for you to come through it like they’re back there. I wish you’d just think about moving out here, you could stay with me till you get back on your feet, you know that right? I’m not trying to force you into anything though La.. I know I shouldn’t be asking you to just leave everything behind to be closer to me, I’m sorry… Listen; just call me when you get in if you’re not tired or anything if you want. Love you La.”

Why did hearing the need in his voice make me want to pack my shit up right then and there and leave without saying a word? Why was I thinking about leaving everything and uprooting to a place I despise for someone I wasn’t even with? Because he’s Justin Randall Timberlake, my best friend from Millington Tennessee, not JT the performer that his fans love, that’s why. Because without Justin I would have probably been Tommy’s baby mama who was stuck at home with my three kids while Tommy was out fucking girls left and right.

I wanted to leave New Jersey because there was nothing for me there anymore. My Justin was vulnerable and sad without me, no matter how hard he tried to play it off that he couldn’t care either way if I moved, I knew he cared. My Justin made me realized that I was worth more than second place; he made me realize that Alana Gagliardi was better than who she thought she was and she deserved so much more than she was getting.

Needless to say I didn’t return Justin’s phone call that night like he asked. Hell, I didn’t return his (or Trace’s) phone calls for nearly two weeks after that message. I know I shouldn’t have been thinking about moving, but I was and I needed time ‘away’ from Justin and Trace’s influence to decide on my own.

I’ve always watched people make lists of the pros and cons of something and I’ve always thought it was so stupid, until then. Of course with my luck the two would even out in the end, so I did the only thing I knew how to do; run home to my Mama.

When I pulled up in my mom’s driveway I saw that both of my brothers were home, which wasn’t going to be a pleasant experience. Walking through the door I heard the infectious laughter of my niece, Adrienne, coming from the kitchen so I walked back there. I saw my Mom, my Dad (yeah I know), Isaac, Jimmy, Jimmy’s wife Vicky, Isaac’s fiancé Janelle, and Adrienne sitting around watching Adrienne dance to, ironically, one of Justin’s songs.

“Titi Lana!” She was the first to see me and came running at me while everyone else smiled and started to make their way over to the doorway.

“Hey Adri baby. What are you doing?”

“Hola Titi, como estas? I was dancing to the music for my recital.” Her mother’s Puerto Rican, so my brother and Vicky were trying to teach her Spanish.

“Bien, y tu? You look very pretty baby girl.” I was hugged by everyone else and we all went and sat in the family room in the basement where I received weird glances from everyone.

“So, what’s going on Alana?” I turned and looked at my dad. I was really confused as to why he was there, which I’m sure they were wondering the same about me.

“Uh can’t I come home to visit my family? What’s going on with you Dad, why are you here? Where’s Cindy and Lizzie?”

“They’re out in Los Angeles visiting Cindy’s mom for the weekend. I decided to come and see the boys since the last time I saw them was over Christmas.”

“Baby what’s going on? Why’d you come home without calling first?”

“See, it’s funny that you should mention that Cindy’s in LA…” Everyone in the room just stared at me like I had four heads and waited for me to continue, but I didn’t because I didn’t know how to break it to them.

“What about Los Angeles Alana?”

“Here goes nothing… I think I might move back to LA for a while.” Both of my brothers stared at me and didn’t say a word; my dad cleared his throat and shifted in his seat; my mom beamed and tried to contain her excitement, she knew why I was going to move out there. Janelle and Vicky brought Adrienne out into the backyard so we could have a family discussion; they both knew their men were about to have shit fits.

“With whom?”

“Justin.”

“You two are dating or something now?” Isaac and Jimmy like Justin, but they weren’t head over heels in love with him they way my mom and dad were and I knew that they weren’t going to really be happy even if I was with him and moving my life just to be closer.

“No. Jersey is just getting tough for me, you know? Out in LA I can find a better teaching job and I can make more money to support myself than I can out here.”

“Are you fucking serious Alana? You’re insane.” Have I ever mentioned how afraid I am of my brothers, well Jimmy in particular?

“Maybe. See this is why I don’t tell you two anything. I could have done with just talking to Mom and Dad, but you two are really pissing me off. I don’t need your opinions on what I’m going to do with my life. Neither of you listened to me when I told you not to enlist in the Marines and you did anyways. I’m a grown ass woman and can do as I please.”

“Twenty four is hardly grown Alana. Enlisting and fighting for your country is different than moving across the country to play house with some pop star. You’re moving across the country away from your family with some guy you don’t even date.”

“I forgot that you know everything James. How the fuck isn’t 24 grown? Oh wait, I forgot being grown in your eyes constitutes as having a family. Well gosh, sorry that your sister is a fucking loser who doesn’t even have a husband, let alone a boyfriend. Not everyone can stay with their high school sweetheart and have a beautiful child at a young age like you. Some of us aren’t so lucky.” He opened his mouth to say something but closed it when my dad interrupted him.

“Will you two stop it, please? What Alana decides to do with her life is her decision. Baby you know you have my support in whatever you decide to do, alright?” I couldn’t speak, I was ready to beat the shit out of Jimmy if I didn’t get out of there so I got up and went into my old bed room.

I guess I should have expected that reaction to come from him more than anyone else. Jimmy never approved of anything I did; he hated the fact that I decided to be a teacher instead of a lawyer like I had initially started school for. He hated the fact that Tommy and I broke it off; he thought we were ‘perfect’ for each other and didn’t understand what I did to fuck up such a great relationship. It figures that he would blame me for everything going wrong with Tommy, if only he knew right? Let’s just say Isaac and I get along better than Jimmy and I ever have and ever will for that matter.

After dinner Isaac pulled me upstairs to his old room and closed the door so no one could hear us. He sat down on his bed and patted next to him for me to take the empty spot.

“What’s really going on Alana?”

“With what?”

“You and Justin; I know for a fact that you wouldn’t consider giving up your job and that house you work so hard for if something wasn’t going on between you two. I may have been cut off from the world for a while, but in the time that I’ve been back I’ve seen the TV and the magazines, so what’s true and what’s not?”

“I didn’t break him and Jessica Biel up, that’s all a lie. That bitch messed things up on her own... We haven’t been messing around since we met; it’s only been a few months.” Surprisingly I saw the corners of his mouth turn up into a grin.

“Well God damn. You always used to say you’d catch yourself someone rich and famous when we were little. You’re really serious about this, aren’t you? Do you really want to move back to that place?”

“I think it’s worth it, you know?”

“You used to call me everyday when you lived there and cry about how much you hated it there. You used to say how much you missed Dad and I. I’m sure you’ll be happy to be away from Jimmy though…” I’m a Daddy’s girl, and that was my first con on the list I made; not having my Daddy close by to run to when I was sad.

“I’m going to miss everyone Isa, don’t get it twisted. If I don’t go there’s always going to be that ‘what if’ in the back of my mind. I’m giving it six months to work and if not I’m coming knocking on your door so you can say ‘I told you so’ and call me stupid. Okay?” Isaac grabbed me and pulled me into a big ass hug before letting me go and looking at me with sad eyes.

“Good luck Alana and be careful, alright? If you ever need anything call me.”

“I’m not leaving tomorrow you drama queen.” He punched the shit out of my arm and laughed before turning towards the door and leaving.

Later that night when I was lying in my old bedroom upstairs in the attic I decided to return Justin’s phone calls that I had been ignoring.

“Where the fuck have you been? Are you okay, did you get hurt? Do you know how worried Trace and I have been?”

“Relax, I've just been getting my head clear.”

“Clear of what Alana Marie? Do you understand that I was just packing my shit to fly out there and see what the fuck was wrong with you? You could have sent a text message saying ‘hi I know I’m being a dick, but I’m still alive’ or something. What the hell…”

“What if I told you I wanted to stay with you?”

“You know my door is always open when you need to get away LaLa.”

“I mean for good Justin. What if I said I’m going to move out to LA?”

“Are you just busting my balls?”

“Not at all. I’m going to give it a try for a few months and if I don’t like it I’m back out here. Got it?”

“What about your job and your house?”

“Isaac and Janelle are going to move out of Mom’s place and into mine. If I decide to stay there I’m gonna just sell it to them. I’m going to talk to my job on Monday about how long I need to stay for them to find a replacement for me.”

“Are you sure this is really what you want to do bay?”

“No, but don’t talk me out of it because I’ve been thinking about it for two weeks and I’ve finally decided.”

“I’m speechless La. I know I asked, but is this really what you want? I don’t want you to come here just because I asked.”

“It’s not like I’m permanently moving in with you Jay. I’m moving out there till I get a job and get back on my feet and find a place. Besides, my only friend out here is Noel and she barely has time for me anymore. It’ll be nice having you and Trace to hang out with on a regular basis.”

“What about Derek?” Shit. I hadn’t even thought about what was going to happen between Derek and me. After what happened with his mom I didn’t really see things working out, but I wanted them to.

“I’ll figure something out.” I heard Justin snicker on the other line.

“He not hitting it good enough for you La? That why you’re moving out here?” I hate him. I knew that deep down he was being serious; even if there was humor in his voice.

“Oh shut the hell up Jay. I’m at Mom’s; I’m going to bed so I’ll call you when I figure out the details and everything. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight Alana. I’ll let Trace know that you’re alive.”

“Tell him I’m sorry for ignoring his calls.”

“Will do. Love you.”

“You too. Give my babies a kiss from me.”

“Your babies?”

“Buck and Bren. Surprisingly, I miss their bad asses and can’t wait to be out there with them.”

“Will do. Can their owner get a kiss from you too?” I blew a kiss over the line and could practically hear the smile in his voice.

“Goodnight.”

Before falling asleep I couldn't help but feel ansty;I was really going to go through with it. You only live once, right?

“What the hell Ms. G? You’re selling out for Hollywood. Jersey ain’t good enough for you no more?” Breaking the news to my classes wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be. When I got back to work that Monday I spoke with my boss and the superintendent and asked them how long would I need to stay for them to find a replacement; they had told me that all they needed was a week and I could be gone.

“I’m not selling out for Hollywood you guys.”

“What would you call it then Ms. G?”

“Look, I’m sorry. I got things I need to do for myself out there that can’t be done here.”

“I can’t believe you’re selling out and moving there for a dude.”

“For your information you guys, I sold out on Los Angeles to move here. And I'm not moving for a dude.”

“I thought you grew up in Connecticut?”

“I moved out to LA when I got out of college. I haven’t been back here for that long you guys.”

“Whatever. How are you going to just leave us like that?”

That whole week all I got was lip from my classes; let’s just say they weren’t too happy on the idea of me leaving them in the middle of the year. And if you think Derek was any happier about me leaving than they were you’ve got it all wrong.

“So this is it, I guess?” He was helping me back up my car with the last of my boxes before I left.

“No D, this isn’t it. As soon as I get settled you’re going to come out there, right?”

“I guess. I just don’t exactly understand why you’re moving. It doesn’t make sense to me.” It doesn’t make sense to me either, trust me.

“It’s something I just need to do. I’ve got to head out though. I’ll call you when I get to my first hotel.” Saying goodbye to Derek was bittersweet; part of me wanted to cry my eyes out and tell him how much I’d miss him but another part of me wanted to bid him farewell and speed out to LA to start my ‘life’ with Justin out there. I didn’t know whether to be sad or happy so before I could display any emotion I climbed into my X3 and backed out of my driveway and beeped before heading off to LA.

It only took me four days to drive out there; the driving quite a distance and staying in hotels on the way killed me though. I wanted to get to LA and get in a real bed in a house real bad so when I was actually on the road I drove significantly higher than the speed limit. When the gates to Justin’s property closed behind me I started to drive up the cobblestone driveway to the house to see if Justin was home. By the time I had gotten to LA it was around dinner time so he may or may not have been out somewhere with friends; I found out I was right when I parked my car and saw his Jeep missing from the spot it was usually in.

Instead of unpacking all of my boxes (which really only consisted of clothes, pictures, my computer, and personal items from home) I went inside and laid down on the couch. Even though I had been there weeks earlier I forgot how relaxed Justin’s house made me feel; Buckley and Brennan had been somewhat of my ‘comfort blanket’ when I had first gotten there and was alone, it was great to hear them bark and have them jump all over me. Even though I was excited to be at Justin’s finally, I was long overdue for a nap and dozed off right there on the couch.

“LaLa… wake up.” I felt someone nudging me as I was sleeping on the couch. When I opened my eyes I saw that it was almost 10 o’clock and was met with Trace.

“What’s going on?” I figured something had happened if he needed to wake me up so badly.

“Justin just got back with pizza, are you hungry?” I started to shake my head no, all I wanted to do was go back to sleep, but my stomach betrayed me and started to rumble extremely loud.

“How long have you guys been home?”

“About an hour; we saw you here and figured you were hungry from all that driving.”

“I’m fine, I just want to sleep.” I looked at his face and saw that he wasn’t buying it, or maybe he could have just heard my stomach.

“Come on girl, he got chicken put on half of it for you.”

“He knows the way to my heart…”

I heard the bathroom door open and close before the door to his walk in shower flew open and Justin hopped in behind me. I was shocked that he was even in the house at 6 in the morning; lately he had been coming in after I would leave for the day, which had usually been around 8 or 9 in the morning.

“You’re up early, why?” He grabbed the bar of soap and his washcloth from behind me and started to wash his body.

“I’ve got errands to run. You’re home early, why?” His face turned three shades darker and he ignored my question.

“Errands like what?” I went to grab my shampoo from behind him but he beat me to it and poured a small amount in his hand before working it into my hair for me. I wasn’t surprised that Justin was being the way he was; he was ‘caught red handed’ coming in after being with someone and I’m sure he wanted to ‘make it up to me’.

“I’ve got to head over to that school to fill out some paper work so I can start my subbing job, and then I have appointments to see some apartments, and then I’m going to pick up Derek from the airport.” Justin does a sucky job at hiding his feelings towards Derek, so I wasn’t surprised at the scowl that I saw on his face before I backed under the water to rinse my hair.

“He’s coming today? I thought that was next week or something, I was planning on going back to Tennessee when he came to give you guys alone time.” Yeah right.

“I told you a million times that Derek was flying in this afternoon Jay. I wouldn’t expect you to remember though. I don’t have time to stand around with you this morning, I’m running late. Can I borrow your car?” I was walking on hot stones by asking him to borrow his car; he’s extremely stingy about them and not one to just lend them out. I opened the shower door and stepped out of from the confinements of the glass walls and turned back to look on while he glared at me through the steam that was quickly filling the room. While I was drying off I saw him wipe off the foggy glass so he could get a better view of what I was doing.

“What the hell is wrong with yours?”

“Something is wrong with my brakes. I’m going to do a lot of running around today I don’t know if I feel safe in it.”

“That’s what the mechanic is for Alana. Why didn’t you tell me sooner that something was fucked up, I could have brought it yesterday when I didn’t have to be in the studio all day.”

“It’s cool Justin, I’ll just take it tomorrow during the day. I need a car to get around safely today thouhg.”

“Don't worry about it. I’ll have Trace come over later to follow me so I can drop it off before I head into the studio. The keys to my BMW are on my dresser in my closet,” I turned to walk out of the door when he called me back, “Hey you. Come back here!”

“What?” He puckered out his lips and made an extremely ugly face, which only made me laugh and not want to kiss hm at all.

“You want me to kiss you when you have that hideous look on your face?” He nodded his head and tried his hardest not to crack up laughing. “Fine, one for the road. Have a good day in the studio, call me later.”

“Tell that dickhead not to scratch my leather with his bags!”

I’m sure Justin thought I was clueless to him being out with random women all night. I couldn’t really say anything to him about it either because we weren’t together. I knew he was still fucking around with Jessica too; I saw the caller ID on his phone plenty of times when she called and he thought he did a good job of hiding it from me. Silly little boy, he seems to forget that I dealt with Tommy’s cheating ways; I know the signs of ‘other women’ being in the picture. Though, technically I was, and would be, the other women if he started a new relationship.

By the time I had to pick up Derek I was tired from apartment hunting and just wanted to go back to Justin’s and relax. After helping Derek to Justin’s car with his suitcase we pulled out of LAX and headed back to Justin’s house.

“Nice car, did Justin buy this one for you too?” The hatred between the two was well known; whenever I would talk to Derek on the phone and Justin was around Justin would make smart ass comments loud enough for Derek to hear, which he wasn’t too happy about.

“No, this is Justin’s car actually. Something is wrong with the brakes on mine so I think he’s taking it to the dealer.”

“Must be nice having someone doing everything for you and paying for everything you need, I wish I had a bitch.”

“What is your deal Derek? You haven’t even been here for an hour and you’re already starting with the Justin bullshit. You have to stay in the guy’s house so you may as well suck it up.”

“What happened to you getting your own place? It’s been over a month and you’re still with him.”

“I can’t find an apartment Derek, it’s not as easy as it seems. I can’t start teaching until September so for now I’m stuck as a sub, making a measly $250 a week, if that. So unless you plan on paying for my rent, my car insurance, my bills, and for my groceries I suggest you not start with all that.”

“I’m sure your little bitch would be happy to pay for all of that for you, why don’t you just ask?”

“I’m sure my best friend would be more than happy to pay for all of that too, but I’m not going to ask him.”

“He’s basically doing all that by letting you live with him Alana. The only responsibility you have is your car, what else are you responsible for under his roof? You’ve got him doing everything and anything for you and I bet your lapping that shit up.”

“Okay Derek. I guess helping with bills and whatever house hold expenses is me doing nothing. Yeah, I may not pay him rent or have to pay my own bills, but I do my fair share of shit around that house Derek. God damn why are you even doing this?”

“I didn’t come out here to fight with you, so just forget it.”

“I didn’t invite you out here for you to pick apart how I’m living and who I’m living with. I get it that you and Justin don’t like each other but for the next few days can you act like it?” He just nodded in response and turned his head to look out of the window at the view from Justin’s neighborhood. He grabbed his bag out of the backseat when I put the car in park and followed me into the house, where we were met with Buckley and Brennan going berserk at the sight of Derek.

I thought Justin and Trace would be at the studio all day and night, like Justin had said he would, but they were sitting in the living room watching TV and drinking, at only seven o’clock. I made Derek put his bag down by the door and follow me into the living room where I heard all of the noise come from. Not only were Trace and Justin sitting around when Justin was supposed to be ‘working’ all day, they were joined with Rachael, Marty, Eddie, Sky, Nancy, Tammy, Jessica, Jeff, Jessica’s friends from Aspen and Timbaland.

“Hey guys, what’s going on?” Everyone’s heads turned in my direction and some of them smiled and waved, while the others… yeah not so much. Justin was one of those questionables.

“Studio time got cut short, so I called everyone over to get together and just chill here for the rest of the night. I didn’t think you’d be back so we didn’t order enough food for you guys.” Yeah okay Justin. That was bullshit because I had called him earlier when I was waiting for Derek’s plane to come in and I let him know I’d be home right after.

“Derek this is Justin’s cousin Rachael, my best friend Trace, Justin’s dancers Marty, Eddie, Sky, Nancy, and Tammy, the one and only Timbaland, and then there’s Jessica, her shadows, and Jeff but the last few aren't really important. Guys this is my friend Derek from Jersey.” A chorus of ‘hey Derek’ filled the room and he waved back. Justin stood up and walked over to us and wrapped his arm tightly around my waist and smirked directly in Derek’s face.

“Nice to meet you finally. I’m Justin, Alana was being rude and forgot to mention me.” Justin outstretched his hand for Derek to shake it, but he just looked at it and nodded.

“Likewise. Thanks for letting me stay here.” Derek eyed Justin’s arm that was gripped firmly around my waist, dangerously low to my ass, and I could tell he was getting upset. I couldn’t break free from Justin’s grasp though, you’ve seen those biceps I’m sure, they’re not easy to fight against.

“Any friend of LaLa’s is a friend of mine.”

“LaLa?”

“Justin and Trace call me LaLa or La.”

“I believe he was a little too wasted back at Johnny’s wedding to remember your name. God, they start so damn young.” Trace yelled from the couch while everyone just laughed; it’s true at only 17 he was pretty gone by the middle of the wedding reception to say Alana, not that it’s challenging or anything.

Justin looked dead at Derek as if he was daring him to say something smart, but Derek backed down and kept his mouth shut. I hate guys; I swear they’re a bunch of territorial idiots.

“Are you hungry Derek, we can order something or I can make something to eat since these assholes don’t take other people into consideration.”

“I’m a little hungry, but it’s alright I should be fine until morning.” Trace called his guard dog, Justin, off of me and back over to the couch where he had been sitting so Justin kissed my cheek (yes in front of Jessica), staring at Derek the whole time and walked away.

“You guys are welcome to join us, we’re just watching movies and what not, nothing big tonight, you know the drill La. Sorry we didn’t have anything big planned for your arrival, but it’s been a really stressful week man. We’ll go out clubbin tomorrow and show you how we get down in LA.”

“Thanks Trace.” I really do love that man, at least he wasn’t an ass to Derek the way Justin was.

But we didn’t take him up on the invitation to watch movies; even through the doorway from the living room to the kitchen I could feel Justin glaring at me while I was interacting flirtatiously with Derek and it was extremely uncomfortable. It’s not like I was sitting on the barstool and shooting daggers in Jessica’s direction, so I don’t really get why he was doing it to Derek.

Derek had gone to bed in the guest room off to the side of the basement somewhat early that night so I was left in my room, which happened to be right near the living room. Listening to Justin and his friends laugh and carry on at 1 in the morning was not my idea of fun. I couldn’t take it anymore and pounded extremely hard on the wall to let them know that they were getting on my nerves. They quieted down a little and I was able to settle into bed and actually hear my TV at a normal level until my bedroom door slammed open and there stood Justin.

“There a reason why you’re banging on my walls like your stupid?”

“Is there a reason why you and your posse are screaming and yelling at the top of your lungs this late like your stupid? People sleep at this time of night Justin.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that you and your little boyfriend were trying to sleep. I figured you’d be having reunion sex.” He closed the door behind him so the people in the living room didn’t hear us bickering.

“You mean like the reunion sex you and your fucking girlfriend have been having for the past week?” He looked at me dumbfounded as I raised my voice, letting him know that I wasn’t backing down. “Ohh, didn’t think I knew, did you Jay? How stupid do you think I am?”

“I don’t think you’re stupid. I just didn’t think it was obvious, and it really shouldn’t matter anyway.”

“Really? Moving your phone out of my sight whenever it rings isn’t being obvious. Oh, neither is sneaking out of the house when you think I’m fast asleep and then being gone when I get up in the morning. Way to be discreet about things you fucking moron.”

“You act like we’re together Alana. So what if I’ve been with her, whoopdi-fucking-doo!”

“How the fuck are you going to tell me that I act like we’re together. Are you drunk? You must be drunk to be speaking reckless like that to me. I’m not acting like anything Justin; you’re the one who asked me to move out here to be closer, you’re the one who sat there in your jealous rage illin’ the hell out of Derek the second he stepped foot in that door. So tell me how I’m acting like we’re together?”

“Whatever Alana. Go to sleep.”

“Don’t tell me to fucking go to sleep Justin. You don’t want to be with me, I fucking get it okay? You just want me around for a good fuck, I know that by now. You don’t need to sit there and broadcast to me that we’re not together. I’m fucking aware of that you asshole. Look, just tell your friends to shut the fuck up before I do it myself, some of us have to get up in a few hours.”

“My friends can be as loud as they fucking please. It’s my house, if you don’t like it get the fuck out.” I really wasn’t in any mood to argue with him; I knew he was capable of kicking me out if I pushed him any further so I shut up and held back what I really wanted to say. I sunk down low into the bed and pulled the covers over me to let him know that I was ignoring him and going to bed, but he wasn’t having it.

“So you’re just going to hide under there and hope that I go away? That’s cool of you.”

“I was going to sleep before you came in here. I don’t want to fucking argue with you over something stupid. You don’t live alone anymore Justin, have some fucking courtesy.”

“Whatever Alana. Good fucking night.” His friends have no idea what being quiet means because when he slammed my door shut I heard them through the walls asking him, rather loudly, what just happened and if he was okay, like Justin was the one who just got his heart mangled. Nope, that would be me.

I stayed up all night listening to them though; sleep was not on the agenda for me. I heard Jessica and her friends leave at around 3:30, they made their exit known and I was tempted to get out of bed and bitch them out for being so fucking giggly and idiotic. Time was wasting away slowly and I still wasn’t able to close my eyes and rest easy so I got out of bed and made my way into the kitchen to look for something to eat when Trace made his way through the doorway with a huge grin on his face.

"Finally joining us I see?” I looked up from pouring a glass of soda and shook my head.

“No, I’m just getting a drink. I can’t sleep.” I was trying to be as short as possible with him so I could get back into my room and attempt to sleep now that people were starting to leave.

“Hey, are you okay? I heard him yelling at you pretty bad a little while ago. What the hell happened?”

“I’m good Trace. I understand he’s just being an ass because Derek is here.”

“He doesn’t have a right to treat you like that though just because your boyfriend is here. I don’t see you being a bitch because Jessica is here, and you of all people have the right to be mad about that.”

“It’s fine, just drop it. Goodnight. Oh before I forget, if you’re around tomorrow do you think you can drop me off to get my car?”

“Yeah about that; when we dropped it off this morning the guy said it won’t be done for a few days so you’re S.O.L babe. But I was thinking that I’ll just stay here tonight and you can take mine wherever you need to.”

“And what are you going to do for a car?”

“I’m not the one Justin’s mad at. I’ll just use one of his.”

“Aw look at my little Tracey Poo, you’re always thinking.” As I was walking past him and out of the kitchen I pinched his cheek and started cracking up. At least I could count on one of my friends to be civilized and love me unconditionally. Why couldn’t I have been stupid enough to sleep with Trace instead of Justin; at least he knows how to treat women.

Seeing Derek for only a couple days wasn’t really enough for me; I was so used to seeing him everyday for a while that I had really started to miss being around him. The few days that he was in LA Derek was somewhat of my comfort blanket; I missed the East Coast entirely too much because once again, Los Angeles was letting me down completely. Saying goodbye to him was probably the hardest thing I had done in a while, aside from making the decision to move.

“Why are you crying?” I looked at Derek who was loading his suitcase out of my car and shrugged my shoulders.

“I don’t know, I guess I just want more time with you.” He dropped his suitcase on the ground next to where I was standing and wrapped his arms around me.

“We’ll make this work, okay? I’ve got to go though, or I’m going to miss my flight.” He leaned down, wiped a stray tear from my face and kissed me lightly.

“Call me when you land at JFK.” He started to walk towards the door of LAX when he stopped and turned back around.

“I will, and Alana?”

“Yeah?”

“Go easy on that house mate of yours, please.”

“Did someone take a liking to Justin now or something?” I couldn’t help but smirk at what he was asking. Derek and Justin had been somewhat civil to each other while he stayed with us, even if Justin and I were completely ignoring each other or making snide remarks.

“No, I just don’t want to have to beat his ass if something else happens with you guys.” I ran over to him quickly and gave him one last kiss before he walked into the airport and out of my life in LA.

I was driving in downtown LA, on my way to pick up groceries, when I started to think about everything that had been going on. My expectations of LA this time around were so high and I was only let down; after living there for only a month Justin and I had managed to get so tangled up in each other that we fucked up a good friendship and I couldn’t find a steady job for the life of me. I was 24 with my Masters in English Education, about to work as a measly substitute; somehow I pictured things would be so much different this time around but they were worse.

I missed home; I missed my parents; I missed my brothers; I missed my own house; and I especially missed my students. Thinking about all of those things as I drove didn’t help my emotions at all, and the tears just started to spill at a rapid pace and I couldn’t control them. By the time I had made it to the parking lot of Whole Foods I was a complete wreck and didn’t want to get out of the car, so I exited the parking lot and drove around the streets to calm myself down.

I had managed to block everything out until I heard the chorus of “Hot Thing” by Talib Kweli come flooding from the passenger’s seat. I didn’t even have to look at the caller ID to know who it was, and he was the last person I wanted to speak to at the moment, but I pressed the button on my bluetooth and answered his call anyway.

“What?” I tried to make my voice sound like I hadn’t been crying, but I guess I failed.

“What’s wrong Alana? Is everything okay?” Even though we were being assholes to each other he still cared about whether or not I was okay, which I could always count on him for.

“I’m fine what do you want Justin?”

“Look La, I think you need to come home, now.”

“What the fuck, are you my daddy? Last time I checked I’m grown.”

“Don’t fight me right now Alana, we need to talk.”

“You’ve got me on the phone Justin, so fucking talk.”

“You need to come home, now.”

“I’ve got groceries to get for Trace and I.”

“They can wait…” Before I could even say anything in response to him I heard the phone click and the call was ended. Groaning loudly I made a u-turn in the direction of the house and sped back there.

Once I parked my car behind his Rubicon I marched up the walkway mumbling obscenities under my breath about Justin until I was safely inside and slammed the door shut. I threw my purse and keys on the couch, accidentally hitting Trace who happened to be lying on it.

“Ouch. What the hell crawled up your ass?” I shot him a glare as he sat up and looked over the back of the couch with a beer bottle in one hand and his cell phone attached to his ear by the other.

“Don’t you have your own house to be at? And where’s your friend?” I stalked into the kitchen and opened the fridge to grab a beer for myself before hopping up on the marble countertop.

“Why’s he gotta be my friend? Isn’t he yours too?”

“You’ve known him longer.”

“So? We don’t fuck, you guys do. I like to think that make you more attached to him than I am.”

“Whatever.” I saw Trace close his phone from out of the corner of my eye and I couldn’t help but be curious about who he was speaking to.

“I was just talking to my friend and he's still at the studio from last night, so I don’t know why you came rushing in here like he owes you a million bucks. But enough about Justin, let's talk food. What’d you get at Whole Foods? I was thinking that we could have lemon chicken and mashed potatoes for dinner tonight.”

“I didn’t get shit to make for us because your friend called me and told me I needed to come home. I’m going to kill him Trace.”

“Relax, let’s just head out. I’ll help you shop then we can come back here and cook and watch some movies or something.”

I definitely wasn’t about to protest him helping me grocery shop, I hate it. We climbed into Trace’s car and headed in the direction I had just come from and made it to Whole Foods in a matter of 15 minutes, thanks to Dale Earnhardt III.

“So he really called you and told you to come home?” Trace took his hand off of the steering wheel when we came to a red light after our grocery shopping excursion.

“Yeah, he made it seem all urgent and shit too. So once again I put my life on hold for him and he doesn’t deliver.”

“I’ve got to stop by the studio to pick up some money for dog food from him, do you mind?”

“Not at all.” So what if I was lying? I didn’t want to be anywhere near that asshole but it made no sense to have Trace drive past the studio to bring me home then drive all the way back.

Within five minutes the two of us were walking arm and arm into the studio doors to find where Justin was. The receptionist at the front desk giggled at Trace who winked at her and called her ‘Mami’ (gag me) and pointed out that Justin was in studio 6 which was upstairs and to the left. Immediately after getting upstairs Trace and I could hear music playing from behind the door that was labeled ‘Six’.

“Right there, can you double it up? I don’t like how that sounded alone.” I opened the door to the large room and was met with the stench of weed and smiling faces from Tim, Sebastian, and Tim’s protégé Keri. Sebastian got up and did that ‘manly’ hug with Trace and hugged me tenderly before going back over to the soundboard.

“Hey Alana!” I sat down next to Keri on the couch and started talking to her while we watched Justin record.

“Hey what’s going on here?”

“Justin had an idea for a song for that beat he made last week so he wanted to lay it down before it left his mind.”

“Why couldn’t he just write that shit down?”

“You know how he is.” Trace shot the answer to my question from across the room. He was right though, when Justin wants to do something he’s going to do it. We sat there for a good twenty minutes waiting for Justin to perfect his vocals before he came out of the other room to listen to the playback of the final cut.

J. Timberlake

Oo-ooh, oo-ooooh

(Ay-ay-ay, Aay, Ay-ay-ay, Aay, Ay-ay-ay, Ay)

Into the bed, bed, bed

Into the bed, bed, bed

Girl, change into that Victoria Secret thing that I like

Alright, Okay

Tonight you're having me your way

Perfume, Spray it there

Put our love in the air

Now put me right next to you

Finna raise temp' in the room

First rub my back like you do

Right there (uh huh) right there (uh)

You touch me like you care, Now stop

And let me repay you for the week that you've been through

Workin' that nine to five and stayin' cute like you do

Oh, oh, oh I love it (I love it)You love it (you love it)

Everytime (everytime) We touchin' (we touchin')

I want it (I want it)You want it (you want it)

I'll see you (see you)In the mornin' (in the mornin')

Wanna put my fingers through your hair

Wrap me up in you, yeah

And love you till your eyes roll back

I'm tryna put you to bed, bed, bed

I'ma put you to bed, bed, bed

Then I'ma rock ya body, Turn you over

Love is war, I'm your soldier

Touchin' you like it's our first time

I'ma put you to bed, bed, bed

I'ma put you to bed, bed, bed

I'm starin' at you while you're sleep

Irreplaceable beauty

Put my face up in your neck and breathe (Ooh, breathe)

Take you into my senses

Wake up it's time to finish

Round two, round two, Matter of fact, it's closer to three

She like, "How long I been sleep?"

Shawty kisses turn into the sweetest dreams

Like give it to me

And I can feel her tell me,

"My angel, this is wonderful Thanks for lettin me bless ya"

Come down, fly right, Drift back into heaven

Oh, oh, oh, oh I love it (I love it)You love it (you love it)

Everytime (everytime)We touchin' (we touchin')

I want it (I want it)You want it (you want it)

I'll see you (see you)In the mornin' (in the mornin')

Wanna put my fingers through your hair

Wrap me up in you, yeah

And love you till your eyes roll back

I'm tryna put you to bed, bed, bed

I'ma put you to bed, bed, bed

Then I'ma rock ya body, turn you over

Love is war, I'm your soldier

Touchin' you like it's our first time

I'ma put you to bed, bed, bed

I'ma put you to bed, bed, bed

Watch the sunlight peak over the horizon

Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh

The sun ain't the only thing that's shinin'

Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh

Now I'ma send you out into the world with my love

Tell everybody, Ay

Everybody Aay,

Ay-ay-ay, Aay, Ay-ay-ay, Aay, Ay-ay-ay, Ay

When the excruciating long song was done Justin swiveled around in the chair and looked at the two newcomers in the room and raised his eyebrows; I guess he wanted to see what we thought and Trace completely understood because the second he did that he voiced his opinions.

“That’s hot Jay. I can’t believe you laid that out in just a day, I think you just set a new record for yourself, huh?” It figured that’s the only thing he had to say; Trace isn’t much of a music connoisseur so everything Justin does is ‘hot’ to him. Justin looked in my direction and crossed his arms in front of him waiting for a response.

“It sucked. I hated it. It’s going to bomb if you put that on an album.” Everyone in the room snickered at the shocked face Justin had.

“Are you serious?”

“Yep. It was the worst thing I’ve ever heard.”

“I thought ‘Gimme More’ was the worst thing you ever heard.” I had made a comment about his ex’s new single the week before that when I first heard it.

“Yeah well this takes the cake. You’re slacking Justin, maybe you need to take a break for a while. I’m shocked.” I grinned widely at him while everyone watched on at our mini argument that was escalating into a bigger one with each jab at his music.

“Can I speak to you outside for a minute?”

I got up and slammed the door shut and leaned against the nearest wall while I waited for him to join me outside. I heard a few murmurs come from the voices inside before the door swung open and Justin was standing shoulder to face (I’m not that tall) with me.

“I wrote that about us you know.” Yeah I couldn’t tell by the time the second verse came around.

“I’m aware.”

“And you really don’t like it Alana?” At that point I knew I was really getting to him by not liking the song from the way he asked me again.

“I do Justin, I’m just pissed off. What the hell did you call me for before that was so urgent?”

“This right here. I wanted Trace to bring you down here to hear it to see what you thought.”

“Is this supposed to be some sort of make up for you being an ass all week while Derek was here.”

“It’s not an apology by any means La, I’ve been wanting to write this for a while and it finally came out the way I wanted. I wanted to take you out later tonight if you were up to it so we can sort of get things back to where they need to be.”

“I’ve got dinner plans with Trace already.”

“Trace is going out with Jose who’s in town.”

“I guess we can go somewhere. But Trace and I should get going now since we’ve got groceries in the car. Don’t make it too late okay? I start work tomorrow.”

“Alright, let me just go get midget boy.”

In a matter of seconds Trace was walking out of the room and heading back down the stairs towards the car. When I was stepping on the stairs to follow after him I heard Justin call my name so I stopped so he could catch up to me. I started to ask him what he wanted but my question was answered when he engrossed me in a tight bear hug.

“I’m sorry for being a dick, okay? Don’t say anything, I just want you to know that I was acting really immature and it won’t happen again.” He let go and turned back around to head back into the studio to finish up.

I guess things weren’t as bad as I thought they were. I wasn’t really looking forward to dinner, but I wasn’t dreading it either. I just wanted my best friend back, and the only way to do that was to talk things out and set some new boundaries; the ones we had definitely weren’t working out for our relationship, or lack thereof. I planned to do that at dinner that night because I was tired of being second best to all of the girls he was starting to put before me.

I’m really not surprised that I got stuck at home, alone, while Trace and his cousin Jose went to a movie and Justin went out with Jessica. I don’t know what I was thinking, getting excited at the last moment about straightening things out with Justin over dinner; you and I both know that things don’t ever work in my favor.

 
“Why are you still sitting at home, you’re in LA; you should be out finding some fine ass men to be with.” It had been a while since Noel and I spoke, so the second Justin left the house I picked up the house phone and called her; his phone bill was going to be a bitch when it came that month and I really didn’t care.

“I’m sitting at home because it’s Sunday and I start work tomorrow.”

“You’re going to be a substitute, you don’t do anything but make sure those spoiled brats are behaving. Don’t act like you can’t get your swerve on tonigh and still do your job efficiently tomorrow morning”

“You know Noel, I called you so you could make me feel better about all of this, not so you can get on the lack of significance my job has.”

“Sorry Alana, but seriously you may want to consider getting a better job until next school year. Aren’t you trying to move out of Justin’s place?”

“I’m looking online as we speak.”

“How is $200 bucks a week going to pay rent and everything else?”

“I don’t have a car note so that’s one less thing.”

“You have no car note but you’ll have utilities, food, rent, clothes; that’s not even all of it. I don’t get why you’re acting like you’re new to this living on your own thing. Stop being so naïve.”

“Are you serious Noel? I’m not being naïve at all, I’ll figure it out okay? Don’t worry about me.”

“I’m worrying because I’m your friend Alana, and you don’t seem happy out there. What is even going on with you and Justin? He’s clearly just using you for sex.” Noel and Justin don’t really see eye to eye on much, so you can imagine her feelings towards me moving in with him.

“I’ve gotta go. I have things to do for tomorrow.”

“Yeah, just like you to run when shit gets tough.”

“I just don’t feel like hearing you lecture me like you’re my Mom. I’ll talk to you later Noel, love you.” I already knew that I make sucky ass decisions. I didn’t need her to tell me that I’m an idiot so the only option was hanging up to prevent my ears from hearing it.

Hours later, when I heard the front door open just as I was getting into bed I couldn’t help but to outwardly groan and let out some pent up frustration; I definitely didn’t want Justin to bring Jessica back because I had a feeling that I was going to beat the shit out of her if I saw her. When I heard the footsteps stop underneath my door I immediately pulled the covers over my head and acted like I was sleeping; don’t tell me how juvenile I was acting, I’m fully aware. Thanks.

“…I think she’s sleeping.” Was the only part of the sentence I heard when whoever cracked my door open.

“Bullshit. Alana get up bitch I know you’re faking!” I sat up in my bed and reached over on the night stand to turn the light on just as Trace was taking a running dive for my bed.

“You are an asshole.”

“Yeah and you suck at fake sleeping.”

“How do you know I was faking?”

“You don’t sleep with the covers over your head; you feel like you’re going to suffocate in your sleep, remember? Why are you even here anyways?” Jose came walking cautiously into my room and sat on the bed. I smiled at him and looked back at Trace with a disgusted look on my face.

“Your friend…”

“My friend? Oh God, what’d he do now?”

“I was getting to that if you’d let me finish. Your friend forgot that he had to have dinner with Jessipoo’s parents tonight because they’re in town so ‘Operation Make Alana Not Hate Me Anymore’ got pushed back to whenever he has another free day.”

“Ouch.”

“Yeah, ouch…”

I wasn’t able to say anything else because Justin came barging in the house singing his new song at the top of his lungs. It took him a few minutes before he found the three of us lounged out on my bed, but when he did he didn’t look too happy.

“What’s with the mess all over the living room?” Oops.

“What mess?”

“The mess that I just cleaned up. There were papers and shit all over the place, you guys don’t know how to clean up after yourselves?”

“You’re one to talk about cleaning up Justin, I clean up after you everyday like I’m your mother.” I couldn’t miss his eye roll before he turned and looked at Trace and Jose with a stack of paper in his hands.

“You moving out here Jose?”

“Hell no, Ma would kill me if I even thought about leaving her alone in Memphis.”

“Then who’s apartment searches are these?”

“They’re mine Justin.”

“Well, look at the time. I think I left my car lights on, Jose you wanna help me turn them off?”

“It takes two people to turn off car lights?”

“I have a very complicated car… God just come on.” Justin and I watched Jose and Trace leave the room before he turned back to me and dropped the papers I left on the table on my bed without saying a word; talk about uncomfortable silence.

“You leaving?” When he finally spoke his words were barely audible; I couldn’t tell if he was mad or just shocked.

“I wasn’t going to stay here forever.”

“I know that I just didn’t think you’d be here for a month before you tried to be out on your own.”

“I can’t be here anymore Jay. I’ve been thinking this past week and I realized that I need, and want, so much more from you that you aren’t willing to offer.”

“Like what?”

“Our friendship used to be the shit but lately it’s been so fucked up. I don’t know what I was thinking when I got myself into this mess.”

“So now being with me is a mess?” I didn’t get why he was getting so upset, he had Jessica. Why would he care if I left?

“That’s just it Jay, I’m not with you. You and Jessica break up like every other day and you come running to me, we fuck, then you go running back to her once you get off. All my life I’ve been the go-to girl for men and I can’t deal with this shit anymore; I shouldn’t have to deal with it from my best friend. I’m almost 25 for fuck’s sake; most women my age have someone they want to be with for the rest of their lives.”

“I don’t even know what to say Alana, it’s never been a problem before. When’d this all start?” I didn’t mean for my laugh to sound so sadistic so I wasn’t expecting the strange look he gave me.

“Have you ever bothered to ask if fucking around was a problem to me? No, you haven’t. I want more than you can offer me, plain and simple. I need to move out to get my act together and move on. I’ve got something good with Derek and don’t want to fuck it up.”

“Derek isn’t here, so how can you have something good with him?”

“Do you understand how stupid you sound right now? Do you even know what’s good for me anymore, have you ever? All of those fucking dates you’ve set me up on have been garbage, you make this move on me that virtually fucks up my life, and now you’re telling me that Derek isn’t good for me because he isn’t around all the time. Get a grip.”

“So you’re just running away then? You say you want more than what I can offer, tell me what that is La, please.”

“Why the fuck is everyone basically calling me a pussy; I don’t fucking run away from things I’m not going to stay in a bad situation. Remember what I had with Tommy in the beginning? When everything was perfect and we were completely head over heels in love with each other?” He only nodded in response, fully expecting what was coming next.

“I want that and so much more, and unless you’re going to leave Jessica completely to give me that Jay, I’m moving out.”

“You don’t even have a place to stay.” I didn’t think he was willing to give up everything with Jessica to be with me.

“One of the teacher’s I met at my job orientation is willing to let me live with her rent free for a few months if I just cover the bills. I’ve got it covered, I’ll be gone by Tuesday.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah.”

Silence has never been a big fan of mine, but the twenty minutes of silence that passed after I told him I was leaving was empowering; for once he had nothing to say about any decisions I made and it felt like I was on top of the world for putting my foot down for once. I felt like nothing could bring me down until he stood up, crossed his arms over his chest and narrowed his eyes at me.

“If you think you’re making things better by doing this Alana, you’re not. This is pretty fucked up of you to do, trying to make me choose. I hope you know that.” Who said I was making him choose? Didn’t I pretty much tell him I was leaving because I know he couldn’t choose?

“Oh fuck you Justin…” But before I could finish the door to my room was being slammed shut and seconds later I heard his Jeep rumble to life from the driveway. Immature little shit, I thought he was going to take that better than he did.

“Alana? I’m home!” I got up from unpacking my box of pictures and things from back home when I heard my roommate’s chipper voice float into my room.

“Hey Zoe, I’m up here putting some finishing touches on my room.” I heard her stompingup the stairs when I turned down the music that I had playing. I sat up on my knees and glanced over at the door just as I saw her fire engine red hair coming in the doorway.

“Do you need anything else? Is everything all set?” I wiped the sweat that had started to form on my forehead and stood up with a struggle from kneeling for so long.

“I’m fine, thanks. This is the last of it actually.”

“I was thinking we could go out to eat tonight to celebrate the new living situation, what do you say?”

“I don’t know, I’m kinda beat and I have to work tomorrow.” She stuck out her lower lip and looked at me with her striking green eyes.

“Oh come on you’ve been unpacking for two weeks already. I have to work too but you don’t see me wanting to stay in. It’ll be quick, we can grab something fast to eat. We’ll be back here before 10:30, I promise.”

“Fine.”

Moving out of Justin’s house was definitely hard, we weren’t on good terms and it’s not like I had many friends in Los Angeles to turn to; my only confidant was Trace and although he agreed with me he needed to remain neutral because Justin is a pansy when it comes to people being loyal to him.

It was weird getting used to having to act a certain way because of my new living situation; although the two of us quickly became close it still wasn’t the same as being able to crawl into bed with Justin when I couldn’t sleep or if I woke up and had stuff on my mind to talk about. I didn’t really talk to Justin at all; I knew he was happy with Jessica from what I heard from Rachael and Trace so I just chose to stay away from anything that involved him.

Work didn’t help my mood at all; I hated the fact that I didn’t have a classroom of my own. The kids I dealt with daily were extremely snobby, but I guess that’s the price you pay for a $15,000 dollar a year pay increase at a private school (when I actually started teaching that is).

“We’re back and if you just tuned in, I’m sitting here with Justin Timberlake ladies, and he’s here to clear up some rumors and answer some of your questions. But before we get to that, Mr. JT brought us a new single, isn’t that right?”

“That’s correct man.” I looked over at Zoe who seemed unfazed by the voices on the radio as she drove towards downtown Hollywood.

“You just got off of a very long tour, how is it that you have a new single already?”

“I’ve been in the studio non stop since I got off tour and this is the first song that I’ve really felt something for so I went and talked to the big wigs at my label and we decided to just put it out there.”

“So does this mean there’s going to be a new album soon?” Justin laughed before he answered the DJ’s question.

“There won’t be anything out within the next couple months, but in a year or so I’m pretty sure that you’ll be hearing another album.”

“So tell me about this song…”

“What do you want to know?”

“I heard it earlier today before you got here and seriously man, it’s a lot different from the material on FutureSex/LoveSounds. Where’d you get inspiration from?” At that point I was silently praying that they weren’t talking about the song I thought they were.

“Everybody has that one girl they wanna go to bed with, and as a performer that’s not always the easiest thing to do with the person you love since they’re so far away…”

“So is this song about anyone in particular?” God damn, there goes that laugh again. Stop it!

“I knew you’d ask me that, but yeah they know who they are.”

“Can we know who they are? And will there be a video for the single?”

“As long as they know who they are that’s all that matters. But as far as a video goes, who knows; I do have something in mind though. We’ll all just have to wait and see how things turn out.”

“After this next song we’ll get to the phone lines and take some phone calls. But for now, here it is for the first time, “Bed” by Justin Timberlake…”

I was hoping that Zoe didn’t notice my hand that was reaching for the power button on her stereo but she did and she smacked my hand away, claiming that she wanted to hear what his ‘sexy ass’ was singing about. She had no clue that Justin and I were friends, and if she did she didn’t show it.

“Oh my gosh that man is a fucking genius.” She gushed while listening to the song Justin wrote for me while I sat there speechless; I couldn’t believe he would even release that.

“Yeah…”

“Come on, tell me you like Justin Timberlake. How could you not? He’s so fucking fine Alana, and I bet he’s great in bed; anyone who gets a piece of that is the luckiest bitch in the world. I envy Britney, Cameron, and Jessica.” Little did she know, anyone who got a piece of that isn’t that lucky; we just get fucked over (no pun intended) when it all falls down.

“He’s alright, if you like the cocky arrogant type.”

“You are all types of crazy girl. Where the hell did I find you?” I couldn’t respond before the song went off and I heard a female’s voice filter through the speakers.

“Hi Justin! My name is Cara, and I’m from LA.”

“Hey Cara, how are you tonight? What you got for me?”

“I’m really good, thanks. Anyways, I’ve seen you or your friend Trace around town with that girl Alana, and I’ve read all of the tabloids and what not and I don’t understand how you can deal with all the speculation. How is it possible for you to hear all these things yet stay so grounded?”

“You know, it’s really not that hard if you just ignore it. As juvenile as this sounds I really do follow the whole ‘in one ear and out the other’ saying when it comes to what people print about me and my friends.”

“Good for you. Thanks Justin!” He thanked her for calling in before they took another call from another annoying ass sounding fan, but I was able the change the station the second I heard her mention the ‘friend Justin was rumored to be with’.

With my luck, grabbing something ‘quick’ to eat ended up with Zoe and I eating at a burger joint, and running into Rachael and Trace. Out of all the places in LA to grab something to eat, my roommate managed to pick the one that had two of the people I was clearly avoiding contact with.

“Oh my gosh! Where the hell have you been?” Rachael pulled me into a huge hug and wouldn’t let me go.

“I’ve been busy Rach.”

“Bitch you could have at least called someone! The two idiots haven’t really said much about your where abouts, I was beginning to think that you moved back home or something and forgot about me.” I smiled sheepishly at her when I was embraced in a tight hug by Trace.

“That’d never happen; it’s just that me and your cousin haven’t been on the best terms. I’ll leave it at that for now.”

“He’s an asshole, Trace told me everything. Don’t worry about it.” I heard Zoe clear her throat from behind me and realized that I hadn’t introduced them.

“Rachael, Trace this is Zoe my new roommate. Zoe these are two of my very good friends Rachael and…”

“Trace Ayala, I know he’s that designer for William Rast. You didn’t tell me you knew him.” She was staring at Trace in awe, like he was her savior or something.

“I didn’t think it was a big deal.” We quickly said goodbye to them because they had to get back to the radio station where Justin was currently at.

“So if you know Trace, that means you know Justin right?” I didn’t really respond right away because I didn’t know what to say to her. I didn’t want to talk about Justin because just the thought of him made me want to throw myself off of a cliff for making such stupid decisions with him.

“Yes, I know Justin but I really don’t want to talk about it, please.” I turned my head away from looking out of the window just as she was nodding sincerely. I could tell that this was going to be a long night back at the house and I just wasn’t ready to explain things to her.

“Can you do me a favor?”

“What’s that?”

“If I tell you where to go can you drop me off somewhere?” She looked at me with confused eyes before agreeing. Within ten minutes she was pulling out of Trace’s driveway and I was using the key that he gave me to let myself in to get some sleep. I knew that he would be out all night with Justin because of the late radio interview that I had witnessed; it was part of their ‘guy ritual’ and that was the only place I could think of to get some peace and quiet and still be comfortable.

Late that night I was lying in Trace’s bed, still alone, sleeping when my phone rang. I tried to hard to ignore it, but after the fifth time the person called I got fed up and answered.

“What?”

“Alana, it’s Isaac.” I sat straight up in bed, immediately knowing that something wasn’t right; it was way too late on the East Coast for him to be up considering he had work in the morning.

“What’s going on?” I heard a muffled beeping noise in the background and strained to hear what was going on. After what seemed like a five minute pause Isaac spoke.

“Dad’s been in a really bad accident and they’re not sure if he’s going to make it.” My breath caught in my throat and I felt like the world stopped spinning. I couldn’t breathe; I couldn’t speak; I couldn’t think straight. My dad dying was not what I needed, especially not then.

I’ll never understand the concept of death; why do we die, who chooses when? When I got the phone call that my Dad was really hurt, I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest and stomped on, well what was left of it anyways.

I don’t even remember how the hell I managed to make it to Justin’s house alive, but the second I did I punched in the code to the gate and went straight into the backyard. Without a key to the house I was S.O.L and since there were no cars where they normally would be I was stuck until someone found me.

I’m pretty sure hours went by that I was sitting out there, dazed and confused, before I noticed the sun rising from off in the distance and I heard the sliding door creak open behind me. I didn’t have to turn my head around to see who was coming; 9 years is long enough to know when a certain person is entering a room.

“Uh, Alana what’s going on?” Still I didn’t turn my head around; I stayed curled up in a lounge chair, staring off beyond the cliff Justin lived on while the sun rose.

“Hello? Can you hear me?” He came around to the front of the chair I was in and stared down at me, I could tell he had just been woken up from a deep sleep and  that he was annoyed. Instead of answering I watched as Buckley and Brennan came running out from the open door at us only to get pushed aside by Justin.

“I heard you.”

“Then answer me.” I picked my head up when he rose his voice; it was way too early for him to be yelling at me and with the frame of mind I was in I couldn’t even get out the words before I started to choke up again. He noticed that I was struggling to speak and crouched down to my level where he finally saw that I was extremely upset.

“What’s going on? Have you been here long?” I shrugged my shoulders and looked past him at the two dogs who were wrestling each other dangerously close to the pool.

“I don’t know. I walked here from Trace’s a while ago.”

“You what? Are you insane, you could have gotten raped or something walking way the fuck over from there. What is going on?”

“My Dad’s been in a really bad car accident when he was on his way home from work. They doubt he’s going to make it.”

Picking me up and carrying me into the house, Justin put me down on the couch in the living room before he left and headed into the kitchen. When he came back into the living room Justin handed me a hot mug and a blanket and sat down next to me. Immediately, regardless of how pissed off I was at him, I latched onto him and sobbed uncontrollably.

“Shh. It’s going to be okay, please don’t cry.” Hearing him say that only made me cry harder, because from what Isaac told me I knew things weren’t going to be okay; he had been trapped in his truck for too long before someone even saw it lying totaled on the side of the deserted highway.

“Nothing is okay Justin, nothing at all. My dad is dying, things between us are fucked up, I fucking hate it here. I just want everything to go back to the way things were a year ago. I want to be back at home in Jersey with my fucking house, working with my own kids and not these stuck up California snobs. I want to go home..” Why was I being such a complete and total mess around him? I was supposed to stand strong and show him that I didn't need him to console me; I didn't need him to protect me when he was causing me my pain.

“I’m sorry about everything Alana, but you don’t have any control over any of this. Things will work out, trust me. When have I ever lied to you?”

“Things will work out Justin? Things aren’t going to fucking work out. My dad is dying, maybe you didn’t hear me when I said that. I lost my best friend because the both of us were too fucking stupid to keep our pants on so please tell me how everything is going to work out, please Justin.” By that time I had stood up and was pacing around the living room with tears streaming down my face harder and faster with every octave that my voice rose.

“Calm down Alana, this isn’t going to help anything. I’m just trying to fucking help and you’re jumping down my throat. What do you want from me?”

“I want you to fucking man up Justin, own up to your fucking mistakes. I want to be with you, be your fucking girlfriend, and not just the best friend that you run to when you need a good fuck…” I stopped pacing and faced him, breathing heavily, and trying to stop myself from getting any crazier.

“Don’t you think that I regret the day that me and you first had sex? Don’t you ever stop and think that I want things back to how they used to be too?”

I couldn’t believe he had said what he did; I couldn’t believe that he really said that he regretted sleeping with me. He was the one who wanted me to move out to LA and now he was telling me that he wanted things back to how they used to be; I used to be back in New Jersey, I used to be with Derek, I used to have a dad in perfectly good help.

“Fuck you Justin.”

“Please stop saying that shit to me Alana. I didn’t mean that how I said it.”

“Justin, do you want to be with me, yes or no?” I needed my answer, because it was going to change everything.

“Alana, come on…” I held up my hand as the tears streamed steadily.

“Yes or no? Answer my question please.”

“Why is that relevant?”

“Answer my fucking question!” I didn’t mean to scream as loud as I did, and I scared the both of us when I did.

“I…I can’t be with you…not now…no.” He couldn’t even look me in the eyes when he answered, the whole time he muttered and stumbled to find the words he was staring at the floor with his head in his hands. When I gasped at his response he looked up and peaked through the spaces in his hands; for the first time in a while I saw tears fall from Justin’s eyes and for the first time ever I had no sympathy for a tough situation he put himself in.

And that was all I needed to hear for me to be out the door. I didn’t know where I was going but I wasn’t staying at Justin’s house; I wasn’t staying anywhere that I wasn’t wanted.

I wasn’t wanted in Los Angeles; or at least I wasn’t wanted by the person I intended to be wanted by.

“Daddy?” I walked into the hospital room where my dad was staying and saw him lying lifelessly on the bed, hooked up to all sorts of monitors and cords. Isaac, Jimmy, Mom, Lizzie, and Cindy were sitting around my dad’s bed crying when I walked into the room. Immediately my brother’s came over to me and hugged me tightly.

“What’s going on guys?” I sat down on the edge of the bed and grabbed my Dad’s hand before turning towards the rest of my family.

“It’s not good Baby…”

“I didn’t think it was going to be good.”

After hearing that my Dad was most likely not going to wake up out of the coma that he was in, Isaac took me down to the cafeteria and of course, being my big brother he had to ask me what was going on.

“So tell me Lana, why are you here?” I took a sip of my coffee and stared at him over the brim of the styrofoam cup before answering.

“To be with my family.”

”Listen, I’ve known you for all your life and I know when things aren’t always what they seem with you, so what’s going on lil’ sis? Stop beating around the bush.”

“Ugh, fine. I got into it with Justin a while ago and things just got really bad. I’m done with him, I can't do it anymore. He's not a good person and I can't support the shit that he does to people anymore.”

“That’s your best friend, how do you just ignore him?”

“My best friend has done some pretty questionable things Isa, and I can’t deal with that on top of everything with Daddy right now.” He reached across the table and grabbed my hand for comfort; Isaac didn’t have to say anything else because I already knew that he knew what I was talking about.

”Standing here before you all is just so unbelievable to me. Months ago we were together as a family, celebrating the return of Isaac and Jimmy from Iraq, and here we are together again, mourning the life of David James Gagliardi. Those of you who knew him personally knew that he was a loyal friend, a loving husband, and the best father a girl could ever ask for. It’s so hard to fathom that when I wake up tomorrow I won’t be able to call him and tell him how my night was, or about the bad dream I had, or that come Christmas time he won’t be here to celebrate with our family like normal. I could sit up here for hours and share all of the things my father taught me or share all of our positive memories together, but I won’t bore you with it all and I want to keep all of those things private because I never want to let go of the short 24 years I had the chance to spend with him. I know that Daddy is looking down on all of us, grinning from ear to ear, and watching over us as we sit here remembering the great person that he was. I also know that he wouldn’t want any of us to cry over the fact that he’s gone; he would want us all to celebrate that he lived a full life and accomplished so much, so that is what I’m asking you all to do whenever you think of him from here on. Please don’t forget the good that Daddy did, please don’t cry over the life that he lost; be happy because he lived more than some of us in this room put together…”

By the end of my speech the tears had begun to fall freely for the first time since I got the news that my dad had given up. I stepped down from the podium, touched my hand to my lips before touching my father’s closed casket softly, and made my way to the front pew of the church where the rest of my family sat crying. As I sat through the rest of the speeches made by family and friends everything was so surreal to me; it felt so odd knowing that I wouldn’t be able to ever tell him I loved him or be able to hear his loud voice boom throughout the house during family get-togethers.

After the burial I was driving back to my Dad and Cindy’s house in Lizzie’s car, alone, when “Bed” came on the radio. I just couldn’t handle all of the emotions that overcame my body so I pulled over into a parking lot and cried while the song played through to the end.

“That was ‘Bed’ by Justin Timberlake. And just to go off topic quickly, our condolences go out to Justin and his friends and family right now; early yesterday morning we got word that Justin cancelled his shows at the House of Blues for the upcoming week and rumor has it that there has been a death in his family. All of us here are praying for your family JT…”

It seems as though as soon as I heard the radio DJ break the news Justin showed up outside the window. Breaking me out of my daze, Justin tapped loudly on the passenger’s side window, making me jump nearly out of the seat.

I was numb to his existence though and wanted nothing to do with him at that moment in time. I left him standing there for a good 8 or so minutes before I eventually unlocked the door so he could climb in.

“I tried catching up to you at the cemetery but you got into the car and took off too fast…” Do you think I answered?

“You know Alana, I told you I was sorry I don’t get what more you want from me. You put me in such a tough situation back at my house I didn’t know what to say or do. You know I love you La, but I can’t ruin this anymore than it has been…”

“Please just shh… I love you too Justin, which is why I need my space. I can’t be around you at this moment in time. You were the main person telling me that I needed to start dating around and I needed to stop settling for less than I deserved, but I fucking settled with you, thinking you were what I deserved, and I got my heart torn in the process. So if you’re here to support me and be my friend, do that but please don’t bring any of this excess bullshit into my life right now because I don’t need it.”

Without another word, he kissed my forehead and climbed right back out of the car. I sat there for a little while longer, watching his rental car pull out of the parking lot, before I headed back to the house to join the rest of my family. Of course Justin was around the house for the rest of the day, but I managed to keep my distance and stay away from everyone when he was around.

It was so hard standing up to Justin all of the times that I had. It was so hard shutting him and Trace out of my life, Trace in particular because he didn’t really do anything wrong but I couldn’t be around him knowing that he would probably report everything back to Justin. I needed to completely rid myself of things that were wrong in my life, starting with the fucked up relationships I held with people.

I constantly got lectured by my Mom and brothers about shutting them out of my life though; they didn’t understand why I would want to lose two more people in my life after losing my dad, and they’ll never understand because they didn’t go through the turmoil I did to try to convince myself that I didn’t need Justin in my life.

When the time came for me to go back to LA I was dreading it completely, but I needed to be back at work and I needed to stop dwelling on the fact that my dad was gone.

After about a month of being back ‘home’ I ran into Trace at Starbucks on my way to work, which was definitely odd to say the least.

“Hey La!” I turned around from where I was standing by the door and saw Trace making his way over to me. We quickly embraced in a hug and pulled apart before I dropped the cup frappuccino I had in my hands.

“Hey how are you doing?” Talking to my ‘best friend’ shouldn’t be that weird. Things shouldn’t have been the way they were, but I was the only one to blame for that.

“I’m alright, working on the line a lot. How are you doing girl, you look real good. Have you lost weight or something LaLa?” He looked me up and down and nodded his approval.

“I lost the couple pounds that I put on since I’ve been out here, back down to a size 5 from the 9 I got to be after the first month or two out here.”

“Well you look great, you always have La, but you look fucking amazing now…” Things got silent for a few minutes before Trace finally spoke up again.

“Look, I don’t understand what’s going on right now, and maybe I shouldn’t, but I didn’t hurt you Alana. I didn’t do anything for you to just ignore me, I’m not Justin.”

“I know Trace and I’m sorry for that but I needed time alone to cope with everything  hitting all at once.”

“I’ve been carrying this around for a while because I didn’t know any other way to get it to you. Just read it and don’t ask any questions…” He grabbed an envelope from his back pocket and handed it to me before making his way out onto the street.

 
That blinding white envelope sat on my desk back at the condo for days before I even took notice to it; I didn’t have to open it to know who it was from. But just when I had truly forgotten it even existed, I came into the house one day and found it opened on the dining room table and Zoe was nowhere to be found. Stupid bitch.

LaLa,

If you’re reading this I guess you ran into Trace somewhere or he dropped it off to you. Before you even think about ripping this to pieces just hear, well read, me out. Who would have thought you pet sitting lead us to all of this?

Look there isn’t really anything I can say or do to change the shit that I said and did to you. Sorry isn’t good enough for me, so it sure as hell isn’t going to be good enough for you. I never meant for things to get so carried away the way they did, I can sincerely tell you that much. We’ve come too far to just stop talking to each other though, and Trace sure as hell doesn’t deserve any of this when he’s not to blame at all; at least talk to him if you won’t speak to me.

I can’t be with you because I’m fucking scared of ruining us any further. Do you understand how weird it is that I can’t come home from a gig and call you, or that I can’t call you to come bring me food in the studio because I’m too lazy to do it myself? I miss you so damn much Alana and it’s killing me that all of this came undone the way it did, I just want you back to being my best friend. I get that you need space to get over everything that just happened and I’m giving you your space but don’t shut me out completely because this here is killing me.

I’m sorry that I chose Jessica over you, but this is just the way it needed to be; I’m ready to beat myself up over the decision I made every day but like I said, I just can’t fuck this up anymore than I already have so I chose the safe route. I do love you though Alana, more than I ever thought I could love any friend of mine. You have my heart La; you have me whenever, wherever, you need me. Take as much time as you need to come around, but don’t wait forever because I miss you and so do my beasts.

I don’t regret anything that happened between us though Alana, even though I told you I did. Call me whenever, please. I don’t care when it is, just call me and let me know that this will all be okay eventually.

-Jay

My vision was so cloudy by the end of the letter that it took me all of five minutes to read just the last two lines. In the end, I was livid that Zoe would open something personal that had been in my room, but I was more upset over the fact that he picked Jessica over me because she was safe.

I did the only thing I thought was right at that point, and grabbed my cell phone from my bag that was on the counter.

To: Justin
Subject: None

Look, I’m past being pissed about everything. I just read your letter and I really have nothing to say to you right now though Justin. I’m used to always being put last so if you think I’m going to beat myself up over this shit anymore you’re wrong. I've realized that I’ve never been the one for you, in your eyes, so I guess I’m goin to have just get used to it.

 
After I sat in the living room for a while I realized that in a way my father and I were the same; the both of us had no fight left in us anymore, we saw no reason to continue on struggling when there was nothing to do to benefit us in the current state we had been in. But while he stopped fighting for his life, I stopped fighting for my spot in Justin’s heart.

Things may not be the way the used to be between Justin, Trace, and I but they’re slowly getting there as I sit here and tell you all of this. There are still times where I want to beat myself up over losing my dad and being so stupid to let Justin into my heart the way I did; I should have just kept him at the distance he was at but the pain that I felt from Tommy and everyone else in my life blinded me and in the end I got hurt.

 
To this day I’m learning that there really isn’t anything wrong with being second best, and the way I see it (now at least), I’d rather be second in his heart than first because I don’t have to deal with all of the heartache and tribulation that comes with being Justin’s girlfriend. So for now I’ll remain the best friend and I’ll be that helping hand when he needs someone to vent to but I’ll always remember what I had to go through to establish my spot at the (almost) top.