Tap. Tap. Tap. He let out a frustrated groan and threw back the heavy brown down comforter. In the dark of his room he sat up, the foot of his bed illuminated by the moonlight shining through the blinds. The overhead fan was spinning in full force in an attempt to dispel the California heat but all that it was doing was disrupting the blinds and making them clink against each other. Tap. Tap. Tap.

With a pair of fingers on the bridge of his nose he swore that that sound was giving him a headache. But he knew better. It was the events of the past two weeks that he just couldn’t seem to shake. Everyone and their mother, literally, had called him when they heard about what had happened. But he didn’t want to hear their comforting words or listen to them telling him he needs to try and win her back. He knew he screwed up and he knew there was no way to win her back.

Dejectedly he walked through the living area of his house. Without even thinking about it he noticed all the empty spaces where her things had been. And that thought made him realize he really needed to dust. So, at 1:45 in the morning he went to pull out his pack of Swiffers from the pantry. With the green box in hand he paused to look at the dry erase board stuck next to the phone. She told him it was ugly and tacky. He was never in college, was never going to be, and for that reason alone he should never buy a dry erase board. Of course he bought it just to piss her off then. Then put it in the most obvious place in the kitchen.

Ironically she was the only one to use it. Usually it was filled with reminders of upcoming events or silly song lyrics that she couldn’t get out of her head. The particular message he was looking at was neither. You know why Josh. That’s all that was there. The pink letters in her perfect handwriting.

He ran his fingers lightly against the white board careful not to smudge the letters. What it said was true: he knew exactly why she had left. It wasn’t too hard to figure out. When you start distancing yourself from the person that you love because you are scared that strains the relationship. Add to the mix weeks gone on promotion and that just spells disaster. How she held out for so long he didn’t know. But then he had done the unthinkable. He slept with someone else. Not even just some random someone else but the very person he told her that she could never be.

JC pushed the edges of the Swiffer into the plastic broom and pushed it around the hardwood floor. It caught a fallen flower petal from under one of the cabinets and that was all that it took to put him over the edge. He picked up the little purple flower and muttered her name as he carefully stroked the petal: Posey. With a heavy heart he sank to the floor and leaned his head back against the cabinet. For being the one who did wrong his heart sure hurt more than he thought it would.

It was the ringing of the house phone that shocked JC from his sleep. He stood and stretched, hoping to get the kink out of his back from falling asleep on the kitchen floor.

“Yeah,” he asked sleepily not even looking at the caller ID.

“Man I know you like sleeping and all, but it’s like 3:30 in the afternoon! Please tell me I didn’t wake you up and you were taking a nap.”

Rolling his eyes JC tried to hide the small smile forming on his dry lips. Justin had been trying non stop to make him feel better. He’d call in to check on him, brought him food, offer him things to do to get his mind off of her. JC knew it was because Justin understood where he was right now. Except Justin was never the one who drove his girlfriend away by breaking her heart when he knew he was everything to her. So he humored Justin and let him think that he was helping. “I did a little cleaning earlier today. I think I’m entitled to a nap.”

He heard Justin grunt over the line, “Cleaning? Wanna come over to my house?”

JC outright laughed, “I’m not cleaning your house J. That’s what your Momma’s for.”

“Shut it,” the younger man threatened, “I’ll be over in twenty.” Before JC had a chance to respond he heard the dial tone. He slowly set himself to the task of taking a shower before Justin got there and realized how much of a mess he really was.

JC toyed with the drawstrings of his sweatshirt in his right hand while he used his left to munch on the taco dip Justin said he had laying around his house. JC hadn’t realized how hungry he had been until he looked down at the container to find in ¾ empty.

“Hey Jayce,” Justin called out with his back to JC, fiddling around with the stereo, “what’s on this cd?” JC looked to see a bright pink cd in Justin’s hands. The black lettering written in permanent marker was starting to wear off from extended use.

“It’s Posey’s,” he replied pulling the cd from the younger man’s hands.

Justin’s mouth formed a small ‘o’ of surprise and he tried to shake off his mistake, “Anyways, you need to get some good music up in here. Where’s all the cd’s I sent you?”

“In there somewhere,” JC replied offhandedly. His eyes were still transfixed on the cd in his hands. It was one of her favorite, he already knew. The pink cd only made appearances when she was mad at him or in a sappy love song mood. She always listened to it in her walkman so it surprised him to see it in his stereo. She must have been listening to it, blaring it, when she packed up all of her things. He cringed.

Suddenly he felt Justin’s hand on his shoulder, “Hey Jayce, sorry but I gatta go.” He gestured towards to two-way in his hands, “I totally forgot I had an appearance this afternoon. You ok?” JC just nodded. “You wanna come with? Start up the ol’ Nsync’s getting back together rumors, heh?”

He smiled and shook his head, “No thanks Just. I think I might just go lay outside for a little while actually. It’s not too hot out.”

Justin eyed the sun through the sliding glass doors, “Nope. Just don’t go making me look too pastey, aight?”

 

The first few notes floated out and JC actually smiled. This is her sappy love song music, he asked himself. Build Me Up Buttercup was playing through the speakers and right now he could imagine her prancing around the kitchen in a pair of terry cloth shorts singing at the top of her lungs. He knew he had a wide variety of music that he liked, but she was even more diverse. But JC never understood her infatuation with country music. She grew up in LA, her whole family was Greek, and she had only been south of the Mason-Dixon line to go to Mexico. Yet something about it seemed to captivate her. She said it was the story lines and the emotions expressed in each song. Even songs about honkey tonk badonkadonks. For that reason alone it didn’t surprise him when the intro to the next song had all the characteristics of a country ballad.

Well, she was precious like a flower
She grew wild, wild, but innocent
A perfect prayer in a desperate hour
She was everything beautiful and different

It was almost impossible for him not to smile at the words. She had a mean streak like no one’s business, but she was innocent. He remembered how big her hazel eyes became when he took her to her first celebrity party. Or when he would convince her to try something new in bed and her cheeks would flair up, but she would giggle and nod and try anything for him.

And he truly had met her at the most perfect time. There was Justin with his two successful albums, tours, movies, and everything. But he couldn’t even get word out on his second album. Heck, half the country didn’t even know he had a first album to his name. His record company was doing shit for him and everyone seemed to have something more important to do at that time.

He met her at a baseball game. She was in the skybox next to him. That alone made him intrigued: a beautiful woman sitting alone in a high priced skybox cheering on the opposing team. He tried to keep his attention on the game. He really had tried. But when she started swearing up and down at the umpire about a bad call all he could do was laugh.

“What are you laughing at over there pretty boy in your Met’s jersey,” she demanded turning to him.

JC’s face went blank. “Um, I, uh-”

Her eyes softened and she extended her hand, “I’m Posey. I’m a baseball addict. You’ll learn to love it.”

“Josh.”

He smiled a bittersweet smile thinking back to that day. When they had shaken hands he felt a chill run up and down his spine. From that day on all that he could think about was Posey. How she really did love baseball. How perfect everything seemed to be with her. How whenever he was away all he could think about was the giant, legs wrapped around the torso hug he’d get the next time he’d see her.

She laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
Stupid boy, stupid boy

 

Those words stung. JC actually flinched when he heard them. Posey had given up almost everything in her life just to be with him. Her family was against her dating him not only because he wasn’t Greek but because he was a musician as well as many years older. Almost every day he could see how much she missed them. She would watch a mom and daughter hug or a father and daughter at lunch with a sadness in her eyes that no matter what he did he couldn’t make disappear. She had been part of a big family but instead of letting him go and finding someone that would make them happy too, she stayed with him. And not that he had anything against her friends but through a series of events she decided that she was no longer going to hang out with them. He never paid much attention to her age, but is was quite obvious to him that it was the first time she had even been in love and had no idea what she was in for. She had quit her job at an established newspaper to move in with him and do tiny editing jobs to keep busy. Posey wanted to be a journalist. Not like she really wanted to write trashy gossip news but that was all people would offer her once they realized who she was and who she was dating. Posey’s dream was to write “meaty” columns as she called them. He used to tease her about it. Knowing Posey and then thinking about those kinds of stories just didn’t mesh in his mind. It was like comparing tuna and carpet: the two never really meet.

Posey got excited about things like free lip gloss and an extra order of chicken nuggets at McDonalds. JC wondered if what kept him so attached to her was her ability to take the smallest things and marvel at them. It was a nice contrast to his constant negativity. She would always have a smile on her face. Well, except when the Dodgers were losing.

So what made you think you could take a life
And just push it push it around
I guess you build yourself up so high
You had to take her and break her down

 

The second verse began to play and he knew it wasn’t going to make him feel any better. If he had a passion for music, she had a passion for writing. Yet somehow he always found a way to belittle her when it came to her articles. “That’s too cheesy Posey.” “Did you even do your research?” “No one is going to read that!”

He rubbed his palms against his face and let out a groan. All it would have taken was one little “Good job babe” to make her smile. But he always had other things on his mind. How could he possibly think up something nice to say to her when all day he had been racking his brain for the perfect three words to end a chorus and she just wouldn’t shut up? Posey came in a far third to his music and his personal space. She didn’t care though, and that is probably what made it worse. She loved him so much that she would accept not being number one just to be anything to him. All of the shit she had to put up with, he didn’t know how she did it. True, being the youngest of a family of five builds up an indifference to lack of attention from time to time, but JC knew he had been the worst boyfriend to her of all the times he had been someone’s boyfriend.

She laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
You stupid boy

 

One not quite so drunken night. That was all that it had taken. At a mutual friend’s house he was reunited with an old flame that he was pretty sure he had gotten over the moment he met Posey. However he hadn’t seen her in weeks and they had gotten in an argument over green or tan bed sheets. He was frustrated with his work. But mostly he was scared. Never before had he been in a relationship that made him want to forget everything else but her. He knew what the next logical step was and that scared the shit out of him. Was he ready? Did he want that? Marriage wasn’t something he wanted to get null and voided after 60 days.

JC had started talking to her very casually that night knowing that she would give anything to have him back. He complimented her on her latest article and asked her how her journaling career was going. He even asked if there was any way she could lend a helping hand to Posey. Before he knew it he was telling her how afraid he was and how he wished he could know for sure that he wouldn’t be making a mistake.

That turned our real well, didn’t it? He could be the good guy and say she conned him into sleeping with her again. That would be a lie. She didn’t make him take his pants off and lay her down over the sink in the bathroom before anyone noticed they were gone. Twice.

Oh, you always had to be right but now you've lost
The only thing that ever made you feel alive
Yeah, yeah

 

JC was startled when he thought he heard a noise by the gate over the music. He couldn’t handle if anyone came out and saw him sitting on the lounge chair crying his eyes out caressing a pot of flowers. When he was sure that it was only the clanking of the gate from the wind he let himself drift back into a day he would do a hundred times over. The drive back to his hotel nearly killed him. Alone in the backseat his head pounded and his mouth was completely dry. Did he just fuck up the most perfect thing he could have ever imagined. Did he really need to sleep with her to make himself sure that he loved Posey enough to dedicate his life to being her husband? He suddenly remembered he didn’t call Posey to tell her goodnight for the first time since they started dating.

Well, she laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
Yes, ya did
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
You stupid boy, oh, I'm the same old
Same old stupid boy

 

He knew he had to tell her himself. If she found out any other way she would have been beyond heartbroken. JC knew that he was an ass to do it in the first place, but he’d be a jackass if he couldn’t tell her.

She had avoided looking him in the face the minute he told her they needed to talk. Somehow she must have known what was coming. And she had cried. Cried like she did when her Poppa died. Surprisingly she let him comfort her. She needed that one last night, one final memory to hold onto. He could still remember how soft her hair had been that night. The light pink of her cotton nighty against her tanned legs. She pulled herself from his arms just long enough to grab a box of tissues and then curled up against him and the pillows on the bed. She fell asleep with a fistful of his t-shirt and dried tears along her face.

That next morning he tried as hard as he could to prevent himself from going to the studio. He knew, he knew, if he left that would be the end of it. She would be strong and determined and completely justified to leave him. But if he stayed. As horrible as it sounds he knew that if he stayed so would she.

It took awhile for her to figure out she could run
But when she did, she was long gone
Long gone, long gone
Ah, she's gone

 

He had to admit that the song itself was a masterpiece. It was more than just a country song and he honestly felt every emotion the artist was exerting in each breath. However it pained him to have to listen to it. Without a doubt he knew this song was put on repeat the morning she left. He didn’t need to know what else was on the cd. He didn’t care.

She didn’t call, throw a fit, threaten to expose him for the cheating scumbag that he was. All that Posey did was calmly take her things back to her mother’s house, leave the house key on the counter, and write her little note in pink. He came home and knew nothing was ever going to be the same again. He would never feel what he felt with Posey and he could try; sure he could try; but there was nothing that could replace her.

Nobody's ever gonna love me like she loved me
And she loved me, she loved me
God please, just let her know
I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I'm sorry, I'm sorry
Baby, yeah, I'm down on my knees
She's never coming back to me

As the song wound its way to an end he found himself singing along even though he had never heard the song before. I’m sorry floated off his lips as if it were the only words he would ever speak again. Tears that he has started crying during the musical break were washed over by new ones. The sound of the guitar was ripping apart the already shredded remains of his heart. Posey had loved this song long before she knew what he would ultimately do to her.

Shakily he pulled himself up from the lounge chair and walked towards the stereo. His fingers fell on the repeat button. Then, feeling completely alone in the mid-afternoon LA sun, he curled himself on the chair again. Each time the song started again his mind would travel through all the ups and downs of each moment he had spent with Posey. And all he had left was a note on a whiteboard and her sappy love-song cd.