A Hollywood Divorce

8: Just Breathing

I go to the doctors to confirm the pregnancy and I am, in fact pregnant. I haven't spoken to Justin in two weeks since we first talked about it. He's really upset with me. I would be upset with me too. I shouldn't have lead him on like. I think I know why I did it, not just because he's good sex. I think I wanted him to hurt. I wanted him to feel like I did. To feel cheated, and disappointed and hurt. And now, I know how he must have felt when he saw my face that night that he told me he wanted his face.

It isn't a good feeling.

I'm not changing my mind about this baby though. I can't have this baby. I've already made the appointment, it's later today in fact. I asked my sister to go with me but she is against abortion so, yeah. She hugged me and told me she loved though and told me that she supports my decision but stepping in place like that would be going against every she stands for. So, she's watching the kids while I get rid of their little brother or sister.

The day goes by all to quickly and I'm now sitting in the office, waiting for my name to be called. There are two other girls sitting in here with me. One looks to be about sixteen; her mom is here with her. The other one looks to be closer to my age. She's crying though, the lady who looks to be my age. She keeps her face covered with a tissue but we can hear her soft cries.

I look at the nurse sitting behind the station. She just keeps on working, flipping through her paperwork and occasionally stapling something and pushing it into a folder. "Lucianna Winters."

The voice makes me jump, but I clutch my purse and stand up, "How are you honey?" The nurse asks me as she holds the door open for me.

"Um, I've been better quite frankly."

She ushers me down some hallways and then leads me into a room with two chairs, a patient table and a sink, "If you would please change into this, and I'll be back in just a minute."

I do as I'm told and change into the gown. I sit up on the table for a few moments before the doctor and nurse come back into the room.

"Ms. Winters, correct?" He asks me, looking through my folder and taking a seat at the rolly chair.

"Yes."

"I'm Dr. Suez. I'm going to be doing your procedure today. So, this is your first abortion?" He asks.

I nod, "Well, everything is going to be just fine okay? Do you have any questions for me before we get started?"

"Um, yeah. Are you going to knock me out?"

He chuckles a little, "No, we won't be knocking you out today. We will give you a numbing agent first though so you won't feel a thing."

"Um, how exactly are you going to... uh..."

He holds up his hand to stop me from asking the rest of the question. He can obviously tell the I'm nervous, "We will be using a vaccuum of sorts to suction out the fetus."

The tears start again and I hold my head in my hands before I ask my next question, "I won't feel a thing right? Not one thing?"

Dr. Suez is quiet for a moment, formulating his response, "You will feel a little bit of the suction, it will make you slightly uncomfortable. You won't feel any pain whatsoever."

I nod my head but keep crying, "Are you sure you want to go through this?" He asks me.

I nod yes and rock slowly back and forth as they exit the room to get the supplies. Justin's words keep floating through my head, You can't kill our baby and This is a good thing. What am I doing? What am I doing here? I can't punish an innocent child because of my stupid decisions. But I can't have this baby either, especially when we're not even talking to each other. You've made it this far, Lucianna, don't back out now.

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If I could just finish this lyric right now, I would be a happy camper. But there is absolutely no thoughts going through my head right now. My mind is in another place right now. I throw the pen down and lean back in my chair. I rub my hands over my face and rest my head on the chair.

I haven't been able to do much of anything since Lucianna told me she was pregnant a couple of weeks ago. Then she told me she was going to get rid of it and that just ripped my fucking heart out of my chest. My wife, no wait, my ex-wife is going to kill out child. It's disgusting but... fuck, I don't know. Luci is still really confused about us and us sleeping together for the last six months didn't do anything to help her confusion. She's scared of me. She's scared of what I'm going to do once she let's me back in.

I honestly think that this baby could have saved us. We could have worked it out for this precious child but Luci didn't think so, so here am I. I don't even know if she's gotten the abortion yet. We haven't been speaking. Trace told me that Luci was right, bringing a baby into this would be a bad idea. I'm not currently talking to him either.

"She's not your wife anymore, Justin. You have to stop thinking of her like that." He said.

I hung up the phone. My mind starts to drift away to my children when my phone starts to vibrate against the desk. I pick up my head and grab my phone, bringing it close to my face so I can read the name. Lucianna. I contemplate not answering it and my hands defy my mind and I flip open the phone.

"What do you want?" I say, closing my eyes and letting my head fall against the chair again.

She doesn't say anything but she sobs loudly into the phone. I pick up my head and stare at the wall, "Luci? Luci, are you there?"

She sobs a couple more times and whispers my name into her phone, "Justin? Justin?"

"Talk to me Luci."

She cries for a couple minutes more, mummbling words that I can't understand. I let her cry and mummble, I just want to know what's wrong, "I can't do this," She says, "I can't do this, I can't do this."

"You can't do what Luci?"

"I can't do this Justin, I can't..."

"What can't you do Lucianna?"

"I-it's to disgusting, I would feel to... guilty and g-g-gross. I-I-I, j-just can't."

It hits me like a ton of bricks. She's at the clinic, "Where are you Lucianna?" I say standing up and jogging up the stairs, looking for my shoes and keys, "Luci, where are you?"

"I-I'm at the-"

Her voice is interrupted by another male voice in the background. I hear pounding and then someone asking her to open the door, "Luci, tell me which clinic you're at. I'm on my way baby, you just have to tell where you are."

"I'm a-at the one on-on on Bleeker blvd."

"Okay, just stay on the line with me and I'll be there as soon as I can."

Pure adrenaline is pumping through my veins as I speed through the California traffic. Lucianna keeps mummbling and crying into the phone and screams every time the doctor or whoever pounds on the door. I can't get there fast enough. I run every stop sign I see, almost getting into a couple accidents on the way. I blow past the other motorists, switching lanes and honking my horn at a couple of people who just aren't moving fast enough.

I turn onto Bleeker and screetch to a hault in front of the clinic. I'm not even sure if I turn off the car because I'm busting through the doors and running past the nurses station. I scream out Lucianna's name, causing nurses and other doctors to come out of every room, wondering what in the hell is going on.

I turn a corner and scream to her again, this time seeing a doctor and a nurse standing outside of a locked door.

"Hey!" I scream, running towards them, "Get away from her! Get away from the door. Luci? Lucianna, it's me, it's Justin. Open the door."

"If she doesn't open the door, we are going to have to call the police." The doctor says.

"Shut up," I say, instantly calming my voice, "Luci, it's me, open the door."

Wihin a couple minutes, the door clicks open, just enough that I can see just a sliver of her, "Just you Justin, not them." She chokes out.

I grab the door and pull it open, sliding my body between the door and the frame and shut the door once I'm inside. She's retreated to the corner of the room. She has her legs up to her chest, her hands over her ears and her hair is covering her face. She's rocking slowly, shaking her head from side to side, mummbling that she can't do it.

I don't say anything as I walk over to her and kneel down to her. I grab her up in my arms, placing her head in between my neck and my collar bone and stuff her clothes into her oversized purse. I put my wrist through the handles and carry her out of the room. Nurses and Doctors stare at us as I make our way down the hallway and out of the building. I place her carefully into the passangers seat and start home.

Once there, I carry her upstairs and lay her in my bed, asking her where the kids are. She mummbles something about her sister and I grab the phone to call her. I have a feeling that Luci won't be able to pick them up tonight. I climb carefully on the bed, crawling toward like a lion crawl towards it's prey and carefully curve my body around hers, spooning her. Her hands move slowly around her body, I don't want to scare her.

Her body relaxes considerably and we just lay there. Not moving, not talking, just breathing. She's not crying anymore but still mummbling. I move my hand slowly down to her stomach and let my fingers play the the rim of her shirt. When she doesn't protest, I let my fingers guild my hand under her shirt and I flatten my palm against her warm tummy. My baby. My little girl or my little boy was safe and warm inside of her at this very moment.

It'll take her awhile to trust me. And it'll take her even longer to feel comfortable with me but I won't let her slip through my fingers again. I was an asshole once and let her go but it won't happen again. We are going to raise this baby together and we are going to be in love and happy while we do it.

And just then, Lucianna rests her tiny hand on top of mine.