Prelude

My eyes were staring intently at the monitor, watching the green lines of her heart monitor pace along normally. The steady beep has become a familiar noise and the deafening silences have become something I've become used to. It still surprises me that just a year ago, she was fine. Healthy. Happy. Cancer free. But things have changed so drastically. So quickly. It caught me completely off guard. It caught us off guard.

This just doesn't happen to our family. You see it elsewhere, but you never imagine in a million years that you'd be dealing with the same shit.

"Justin. . ." My eyes quickly divert their attention to her as I hear her breathe my name. I smile and she returns the gesture weakly as she squeezes my hand. I looked down momentarily at our intertwined fingers and my attention falls onto the silver wedding band on her tiny finger.

"How ya feeling, babe?" I ask softly as my eyes look back up into her green ones. She sighs and turns tiredly on her side, causing the hospital bed to tremble lightly.

"Tired." She was always tired. Her body was getting weaker everyday. It was trying to fight off the cancerous cells and it killed me to know it was just a losing battle.

"You just need some more rest." I say as my hand lovingly caresses her cheek. She tries to nuzzle her face into my hand, a cute habit she has when she wants me closer. I move in and try the best I can to press her against my chest in a comforting manner. My eyes involuntarily fill up with tears as I savor this moment, knowing it could be our last together.

She was dying.

I knew she was. The doctors knew she was. She knew she was. It was an overwhelming feeling of helplessness to know that with every passing day, she was slowly slipping through my fingers like grains of sand.

We tried everything. Pills. Diet and exercise. Radiation therapy, which caused her hair loss. But nothing worked. The cancer would leave and come right back. She finally gave up, frustrated with and tired of treatment after treatment. At first, I was completely pissed when she told me she wanted to stop fighting this. When she told me she wanted to spend the time had left with her family and friends, not in a treatment center, I couldn't get my head around it. I couldn't understand why she just wanted to die and leave me. Leave our daughter. Leave our friends and family. But that was only because I didn't want to have to live without her. I needed her. I still do and I always will.

"It won't be so bad," she told me, "I'll still be here. In your heart." I didn't want her to just be in my heart. I wanted her to be in my life.

But I don't say that anymore. I've somewhat accepted this. . .pain. I'm in a state of numbness where I just take what I have with her and burn it inside of my memory so that I never forget. I act tough and smile for the cameras. I tell my daughter that mommy's only going to heaven and will always watch over her. I pretend that everything's going to be okay. But secretly, I'm mush. I'm falling apart. My world is slowly dissipating into oblivion and I don't think I'll be able to breathe without my wife by my side.

I love her with my whole being. We've been together now for almost 10 years. She's my heart. She's my muse. And I know that our love is eternal.

But it's far from perfect. Believe me, we've definitely had our ups and downs. Stuff that my mom doesn't even know about. Things we have with each other and nobody else.

But I want to share it with you. I want to show you the other side of things. What really happened in our so-called "perfect" marriage.


Come on and go with me
There's something new for you to see


I want you to see a side of me that you never knew existed. I want you to see things from my point of view and live my life vicariously through my story.


Come on and go with me
There's something new for you to see


Don't worry, there's nothing too bad. Just a lot of things I'm not so proud of.


Just relax
Just relax

Let's Get Lifted

Nakia Davis.

That's my wife's name. It means pure and faithful in Egyptian. Believe me, it suits her. If I've met someone holier than Nakia, it would have to be the Pope. She's the church going-no profanity-forgive your neighbor woman that you never knew existed. She followed all of the rules. Not once breaking them for anyone or anything. But she wasn't the judgmental type that pointed the finger the moment you went out of line. She was the complete opposite. She'd let you make your mistakes and allow you to fix them on your own. She just didn't believe in imposing her beliefs on other people, including me. That's another reason why I love her so much.

But if there was one thing Nakia was the most passionate about, it was her virginity. She did not play around when it came to her body. It was truly her temple and she made sure you knew that. When we first became "official,” the first thing she told me was that I wasn't getting anything. Not in those exact words, but you get the picture. We never French kissed until we were married, which didn't happen for four years. I wasn't allowed to touch her in any way, shape, or form that was too sexual for her liking. So, for four years, my hormones were raging.

Nakia is very cute. She's the shy girl who wears her hair in a ponytail 24/7 and always looks away when you're staring in her direction. Nakia was very humble and kind. Her sugary sweet attitude is what turned me on the most. You know what they say, a lady in the street, but a freak in the bed. But don't judge me, I am a guy for Pete's sake. Besides, you can't really blame me for thinking that. She had a nice body. A sweet smile. An ass that would give Jennifer Lopez a run for her money. Just . . . perfect.

But what made it even more perfect was that her body would only be given to one person: me. Her husband.

It felt good that Nakia was a virgin. There was some sort of possessive pride that came over me whenever we made love. Knowing that I was the only man that she loved enough to give herself to made me beyond grateful. Not only was it a humbling experience, it was an ego boost knowing that she couldn't compare me to any other man. Sexually, anyway.

I remember our wedding night so clearly. I can even smell the lavender scented candles I had been burning that night. I can remember how her hands shook when they rested on my shoulders as I laid her down on our bed. I could never forget the way she looked at me when I told her how beautiful she was and how much I loved her. The way her voice vibrated through my body when she called my name still gives me goose bumps.


I've got something new for you
When it gets, you won't know what to do
Relax, let me move u


She had been so nervous that night. I remember sitting on the edge of the bed, waiting for her to come out. It took about ten minutes, but when she emerged from the bathroom with her body covered in a silky nightie and nothing else, my heart nearly stopped. She was gorgeous. Honestly, she left me speechless. But I don't think that even mattered. Words weren't necessary. We knew what we were wanting. Thinking. Feeling. Everything was natural.


Don't resist it's in the air
Just one taste will take u there
Let it flow right through u


The moment her head touched the pillow, I went straight to work. I was beyond excited, but I knew I couldn't just attack her the way I had been fantasizing about all these years. Well, not now, anyway. I had to take my time. Let her know that she chose the right man. So, I did what I was taught to do: I made her feel beautiful.


I know ur getting tired of the same ole thing
Imma break the rules, gonna change the game
You'll be screaming my name


I don't think my lips missed one spot on her body. I started at her lips, kissing her softly. When my tongue graced hers for the first time, I realized that everything had been worth it. She was as sweet as I thought she'd be. I reluctantly pulled away from our kiss and licked my way down her jaw line and kissed her behind her ear. Nakia moaned when I kissed and licked the spot. I smiled, happy that she was being satisfied.


And Imma take u places u never seen
U couldn't picture this in your wildest dreams
Don't fear, you're here with me


"Justin." My eyes shot up to hers when her worried tone rang through my ears.

"What's wrong?" I asked, afraid that I put too much of my weight on her tiny frame.

"I just . . . " She turned red and looked down at her leg. My eyes followed her gaze and realized my hand had subconsciously inched its way up her thigh. I smiled and rubbed her leg lovingly.

"Is that making you uncomfortable?" I asked softly. She licked her full lips and shook her head.

"It just feels . . . different." I smiled even wider and leaned back down over her, my lips purposely grazing her ear.

"I'll make it feel good." She moaned in content as I slipped my hand up further, my fingers sliding across the band of her panties teasingly. I slowly began to pull them down her body until they slipped off the tips of her tiny toes. Her eyes never left me as I pulled her legs apart, settling between them.


Let's get Lifted
(lifted)
Oh Imma get u high
I'm really gonna blow your mind


My eyes stared into hers as my fingers made their way between her legs. They briskly ran through the coarse hair that covered her before going downward into the lips of her pussy. She shivered beneath me as I began to rub her clit, wanting to get her to wet and ready for me. Her eyes closed and her mouth opened, allowing another whimper to escape from her body. It turned me on to see her in this state of pleasure, but I was still worried about the pain I knew she was going to have to endure the moment I entered her.


We'll get Lifted (lifted)
Ur gonna feel it in ur soul
And baby u will lose control
We'll get lifted (high)


And that moment came soon enough. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't excited about this. That I hadn't been dreaming about this every day for almost four years. She felt so good around me when I slipped inside of her. She was so tight and wet. The warmth of her nearly caused me to collapse at the sensation. It still pained me to see her eyes glaze over with tears. I knew she wasn't having the time of her life, but I went slowly, in and out, taking my time with her fragile body.


Once u take a hit of this
U won't ever wanna quit
You'll be so addicted


Our wedding night triggered something inside of her that I never saw before. This aggressively sexual woman that's been hiding behind this sweet girl-next-door image. From that night on, I didn't know that it was humanly possible to have as much sex as we did. It happened everywhere, no matter the time, place, or type of sex. Sometimes I went down on her, sometimes she went down on me. She'd be on top. I'd hit her from the back. Whatever creative sex position we wanted and it was great. Beyond great. It always was.


Let's get lifted . . .


Being with her was better than anything in the world. I remember the way her body arched against mine. I can still feel the softness of her skin pressed against me. Her sweet smell never leaves my senses and I can still taste her on my lips. Everything about her was etched in my soul. Right down to the last detail.

"Jay?" I came out of my trance for a moment when I hear her say my name softly. I lean over, grabbing her hand gently.

"Is everything alright?" I asked worriedly. She smiled and reached up to caress my cheek.

"I just wanted to make sure you were still here," she said before her hacking cough started. I turned her on her side and began to pat her back. After a few seconds, her cough quieted and she relaxed again.

"You know I'm not going anywhere." I said as I ran my hand over her buzzed head. Her head fell back into her plush pillow and her eyes drooped tiredly.

"I love you." She breathed. I bit my lip, trying to hold back my tears for what seemed like the millionth time this week.

"I love you too, baby."

"I love you too."

Used To Love U

Before I met Nakia, love wasn't my first priority. Women had become something to despise and I wanted to be alone for the rest of my life.

Why?

It's quite simple actually. Cheating. Using. The whole nine yards. You guys know the story of me being heart broken a billion times. You were there when I told Britney to cry me a river and you sent hate letters to Cameron when you found out she ditched me for Jared Leto. I was beaten into submission for a few months before I met someone. Not Nakia. Her name was Heather Donahue. She was a cute blond I met in LA while shopping with my mom on Rodeo Drive. She was a cashier at Tiffany's. I went up to her, ready to purchase my mom's tennis bracelet. She smiled and gave me the usual warm welcome. But there was something about her smile and the way her brown eyes sparkled that caught my eye.

I don't usually go for the "normal" girl. I was too scared to step out of my celebrity box. Logically, she would've been a safe bet. Every celebrity woman I've dated has crushed me in some way, shape or form, so I needed to try something new. See if I could step out of my pattern of heart breaks.

I asked Heather out and she told me she'd be honored. So, from that moment on, we dated. It lasted a year before she turned into the spawn of Satan.


Maybe, it's me, maybe I bore u
No no, it's my fault, cos I can't afford u


At first, I was blind to the game she was running. She started asking me for little things. Groceries. CDs. Pedicures. Then it turned into Gucci bags and Coach sunglasses. The next thing I knew, she became completely dependent. Every finance she had was covered by me. Gas. Electric. Water. I brought her a car. A house. Clothes. Shoes. She maxed out my credit cards in a blink of an eye and she was never once satisfied.


Maybe baby, puffy, jay z
Would all be better for u
Cos all I can do is luv u


But I loved her. I really did. Sure, she was a spoiled, selfish, ungrateful bitch, but she was mine. And she didn't cheat. So, I stupidly kept giving and giving. Not only my money, but my heart.


Baby when I used to luv u
There's nothing that I wouldn't do
I went thru the fire for you, do anything you asked me to


Don't get me wrong, I started to catch on. I started to see the way she'd purposely grab my hand in front of the paparazzi. I noticed how she automatically ran away from the clearance rack and went for the new arrivals. I saw that Wendy's turned into Nobu and that traveling on my private jet and in my fancy cars were more satisfying than being at home with me.


But I tired of livin' this lie
It's getting harder to justify
Realized that I just don't luv u
Not like I used to


Yeah, it hurt. Nobody wants to realize that their check is the only thing keeping someone they love attached. But then I said, fuck it. Fuck Heather. Fuck women in general. And I dropped her like a bad habit.


Maybe, I should rob somebody
So we could, live like Whitney and Bobby
It's probably my fault, my bad, my loss
But u are, above cost
Cos all I could do was luv u


She acted all surprised when I told her I couldn't do it anymore. Like she wasn't using me.

"But Justin," she whined, her fake pout already emerging, "I love you." Ha. Yeah right, bitch.

"You love me?" She nodded earnestly.

"You know I do, baby." If I wasn't raised so well, I would've smacked the white off of her.

"Fine, we can be together," She smiled, "But I can't keep paying for everything. You have to go back to work." That did it. Her cute pout turned into a scowl and she rolled her eyes, placing her hands on her hips in the process.

"I thought you loved me," I raised a brow.

"What's love got to do with it?" She huffed and swung her hair over her shoulder. The inner snob in her was revealing itself.

"If you love me, then you have to take care of me." She had to be the most ridiculous woman I've ever met.


Do you remember when I used to luv u
Baby, no, not anymore, luv u
Ooohhhh, I luv u
And you're gonna miss me now


"Get out." I demanded. Her eyes widened in shock and I mocked her expression.

"You're kidding, right?" She was completely dumbfounded.

"Does it look like I'm kidding?" Heather stood there for a moment, staring at me in disbelief.

"Fine, I don't need you."

"The feeling's mutual." I said, allowing my smartass smirk to spread across my face.

"You're gonna regret letting me go." Was she serious?

"Uh huh," I said drily, "I'll worry about that when it happens." With that being said, she walked out. Pout in full swing, wearing that Gucci dress I brought her.

I remember sitting down in my room that night, staring up at the ceiling. A feeling of loneliness came over me and for a moment, I wondered if breaking up with Heather was such a good idea.

But that all changed when I was walking into the local Coffee Bean, needing my usual caffeine intake. I was in line, waiting like the other customers. A girl in front of me was frantically searching inside of her purse for something unknown. Her glasses were on the bridge of her nose and the sweater she was wearing was completely unnecessary in the LA weather.

"Next!" the teller called, but this chick didn't move, which pissed me off because I'm not a morning person.

"Sorry," she apologized meekly as she turned to face me, "You can go ahead." I looked at her momentarily, her greens striking me with their intensity before she looked away with a shy smile and rosy cheeks. I smiled softly and moved up to the counter, giving my order. I waited patiently for my drink before hearing the clattering sound of coins. I looked to my left in time to see the girl on her hands and knees trying to gather up her fallen change.

Being the gentleman that I am, I bent over and helped, giving her my pickings. I can never forget the warmth of her hand as it grazed mine softly as she took the coins from my hands.

"Thanks." she said softly, quickly standing along with me, causing our foreheads to collide. I laughed and so did she.

"Sir, your drink." I turned back to the register and payed for my order.

"What do you want?" I asked, suddenly. She looked up at me, shocked.

"Oh, no. I'm fine, really." I wasn't buying her 'I'm okay' deal, so I ordered her a vanilla flavored drink. I handed it to her and payed for that also. She gratefully accepted the drink and we walked out of the store together.

"Justin, by the way." I said, extending my hand to her. She looked at it for a second before smiling warmly and shaking it.

"Nakia."

"How you holdin' up, man?" I was once again dragged out of my state of mind by a pat on my back. I turned and saw JC standing next to me as I stared through the glass at my wife.

"I feel like . . . " I sighed at my loss of words, but JC simply nodded.

"It's okay, man. I know." Actually, he doesn't. He's not married. His wife isn't dying. JC has no idea. But I let him think his words were a comfort to me, out of politeness.

"Thanks, I appreciate everything, Josh." He nodded once more and turned to face.

"Josie misses you." he said, referring to my four-year-old daughter. I had been spending all my time in this hospital, so I asked JC to watch her for me.

"I know, but I can't leave. She needs me." My eyes once again traveled toward the glass, and watched as Nakia's chest moved up and down, praying that the movements wouldn't stop.

"I told her that," JC explained, "But she's four, man. She's afraid that she's losing you too." I looked down at my Nike-covered feet and rubbed my tired eyes.

"I'm . . . " Another sigh fell from my lips, "I'll sleep at home tonight." I relented. JC looked at me sympathetically. He knew that leaving Nakia for tonight was a huge deal to me.

"Why don't I bring her here?" he offered. I looked up at him and smiled weakly.

"I guess she can miss day care," I reasoned, "Besides, I'm sure Nakia misses her." I once again allowed myself to lean against the glass. My heart pounded for a moment when Nakia began to cough again. It only lasted a moment before she went right back to sleep.

"I wish there was something we could do." JC said softly as he turned to the glass also. I closed my eyes, willing myself not to cry like a bitch in front of JC.

"We just have to make sure she's comfortable," I said, "And just let it happen."

Alright

Do you remember those things I told you about? The ones I'm not so proud of? Well, here's one of them.

Nakia wasn't exactly single when I met her. In fact, she was very much attached. Engaged, actually. Don't get me wrong, I didn't go up to her fiancé, chest out and shoulders wide, demanding that he'd give her to me. I didn't even expect to fall for her at first. Or anyone for that matter. I was still depressed over the whole Heather thing and was still having lots of bitter resentment toward the opposite sex. But that wouldn't stop me from making a friend.

Kia, as I like to call her, isn't exactly the type I go for. She was shy and self-conscious. Normal and ordinary. Quiet and too goodie-goodie. But that's before I got to know Nakia . The time when I was too shallow and stubborn to pull my head out of my ass and see the masterpiece before me. Sure, she wasn't into me either. And I'm man enough to admit that the first time we hung out, we clashed completely.

"So, what do you believe in?" she asked me as I looked up from my bread sticks long enough to see her curious smile.

"I believe in Santa and the Easter Bunny." I answered jokingly. She laughed lightly and rolled her eyes.

"I'm serious," she stated, "Where are you on a spiritual level?" I shrugged, a small smile creeping up the corner of my mouth.

"I believe in God," I said in a disinterested tone, "But I'm not really part of a religious domination." She nodded.

"So, what do you practice?" she asked, whipping a crumb off the corner of her mouth.

"I pray . . . " I trailed off, realizing that my faith and practices were rather limited, "I believe in angels." Nakia's face said it all.

"So you don't go to church?" She was shocked and I was amused.

"When?" I asked, grinning, "I'm constantly on the road, Nakia. I don't have time." She didn't look too amused.

"Too busy for God?" I laughed, but it soon ceased when I realized how serious she was.

"I don't have time, but I still pray."

"Pray what?" she asked, her shyness fading and her inner bitch revealing itself, "That you get lucky with the cute girl in the front row of your audience?" Well, that was uncalled for.

"I don't sleep with my fans." I stated.

"No, you sleep with their older sisters." Okay, I did that once. But damn, she was fine.

"No, I don't!" I growled, "Who the hell are you to judge me?" She gasped lightly and gripped her napkin.

"Don't use that language around me!" I laughed and rolled my eyes.

"The last time I checked, you weren't my mother." Nakia narrowed her eyes.

"Thank goodness," She raised a brow smugly, "I'd hate to be the one to blame for the birth of you." My eyes widened, shocked that she had just called me a mistake.

"Of course you wouldn't," I agreed sarcastically, "Who'd want to be the mother of one of the most successful men on the planet?" She snorted and sighed.

"Is that how you see yourself?" she asked, rhetorically, "As some bank account who's the best because his face is on the cover of Us Weekly?"

"It's not about the money," I argued, "I'm an artist, I'm doing what I love to do." She stood, pushing in her chair before walking over to me.

"Don't patronize me, Justin," she said, "You could make music in your mother's basement. It's more than that. And you know it."

She was right. It was more than that. I loved my luxurious life. I had eight cars, two mansions, and six Harleys. But I earned it fair and square. Yet, I couldn't help but marvel over how smart she was. That argument made me realize that there was something behind those black-framed glasses and a wool sweater.

She was all woman. And Nakia proved it when we went out two nights later. It was a club outing with her, Steven (her fiancé), Trace, and I. It was the first night I saw her out of sweats and sweaters. She wasn't dressed like a whore or anything. In fact, she had on a very classy silk shirt and jeans. Nakia was gorgeous in her outfit, but I could see she was uncomfortable in the crowd of the club. But I showed her around, introduced to her some of my friends and even stole a dance out of her.


Ok I see you checking me out (checking me out)
I think I know what you winkin' about (winking about)
You wit your man you don't want him to see (want him to see)
It's alright with me


I giggled when she whirled around, shaking that ass of hers teasingly, but never coming close enough for me to touch her. She wasn't into the whole "grinding thing,” as she so eloquently put it. So, I opted for the close but no cigar aspect of things. I held her wrist and we moved along to the beats of the music. It was like dancing with my grandma, but fun nonetheless.


I know I drank I little bit much (hey)
You think I'm talking crazy and such (hey)
I can't walk straight but girl I can see
You're alright with me


I must've been drunk when I felt Nakia crash into my chest, her laughter ringing through my ears, causing me to smile. I had never been this close to her before and believe me, it was great. She smelled like flowers. Something along the lines of freesia. Her skin felt so soft as her hands caressed my neck as she threw her arms over my shoulders.

"You are great!" she stated enthusiastically. Clearly, she was tipsy. Her contagious giggle escaped her lips and she smiled up at me.

"And you're drunk!" I mocked. She feigned a surprised expression before cracking a smile.

"Just a little bit," she admitted as I laughed.

"Yeah, just a little bit."


Alright
I see a little something that I like
You lookin' mighty fine in them skin tights
You know what I mean
It's alright with me


We swayed back and forth, completely off beat, but not caring. She stared at me and I stared at her. I didn't know what she was thinking, but I was feeling some type of way. Her smile. Her smell. Her sparkling eyes. She had me in that moment and for every moment after that. I was slowly but surely falling for her with every passing second.

But she wasn't mine.


Hold up
I know you got a man but I'm
Tore up
And I don't even care if he
Roll up
With something to say
You better tell him he don't want it with me


So, I kept my feelings a secret. One of things I didn't tell my mom. Why? Because I was seriously considering messing with her anyway. Not that she gave me any sign that she had the same thought process as me. I was ashamed. I wanted somebody I couldn't have.


Come on why don't you test me (test me)
If you want me come and get me (get me)
I'll show you who the best be (best be)
I'll watch you for a long time (long time)
I swear you're looking alright (alright)


Until that glorious day came. The day when I opened my door and she was standing there, tears falling from her eyes.

"What's wrong?" I asked, my heart suddenly pulsated with concern. She walked up and wrapped her arms around my middle, putting her face into my chest.

"I'm a horrible person." she wailed as she sniffled. I rubbed her back and strategically shut the door with my foot. I guided her over to my couch and we sat down. She finally peeled herself off of me and looked down at her hands.

"Why do you think that?" I asked, taking her tiny hand into mine.

"I broke up with Steven." I'd be lying if I said I wasn't doing mental cartwheels when she said that.

"How come?" I asked, trying to sound as shocked and disappointed as I could. She shrugged and looked up at me.

"I've been feeling . . . things." she explained, "For someone else." My heart leapt as a moment of hope flashed before me. But it soon was over when I realized someone else could be anybody.

"Who?" I asked, not really knowing if I wanted to know. She smiled and laughed.

"You're kidding, right?" I raised a brow and smiled awkwardly, not really knowing what she was getting at.

"No. . . . I mean . . . I don't think I am." She laughed and wiped her drying tears from her face.

"You are so blind," she breathed, "It's you, you idiot." I laughed and blushed, not really knowing what to say anymore.

"Thank God!" I shouted as she giggled, "I was worried that you loved someone else."

"No, I love you." As soon as the words fell from her mouth, she turned away and blushed. She had suddenly become quite interested in a spot on the floor, "I mean . . . not love, but you know, I . . . " I smiled as she stuttered and rambled helplessly.

"I love you too." I interrupted. Nakia's look of genuine shock caused me to chuckle heartily.

"Thank goodness!" she mimicked. I smiled and kissed her, catching her off guard.

"Whoa," she said, pressing her hand against my chest, "Watch the tongue, buddy." I laughed, thinking she was joking.

"Yeah, okay." I went to lean back in, but she put out her hand in protest.

"I'm serious, no tongue." I stared at her, looking for some form of amusement, but found none.

"What? But . . . " Nakia's finger laid on top of my lips, silencing me.

"Don't make me regret any of this already." I smiled, impressed that she could be so stubborn. I kissed her finger and she pulled it away, laughing.

"You won't ever regret this." I promised, my eyes never leaving hers . . .

"Daddy!" I smiled when I heard Josie's jovial voice ringing through the quiet hospital. I turned away from Nakia's door, resting my hands on the arms of the chair, pushing myself up so that I could walk down the hall to meet Josephine.

"How's my baby girl?" I asked as she jumped into my open arms. I lifted her tiny body off the ground and she wrapped her arms around my neck.

"I'm fine, daddy." She kissed my cheek and I grinned even wider.

"Uncle Joshy dropped you off?" I asked. She nodded and rested her head on my shoulder.

"He said he was going to get Eva," she informed me, "Where's mama?" I paused momentarily before turning toward the hospital room's door.

"She's in there getting her medicine," I told her, "When Nancy comes out, we can go see her." Her curious hazel eyes found my blue ones.

"Who's Nancy?" I chuckled and sat down on a chair, placing her on my knee.

"You remember Nancy," I reminded, "She's mama's nurse. The one who brought you that Sponge Bob watch." Her face brightened and her smile came into view. She looked just like her mother.

"Oh yeah!" she exclaimed, "I remember Nancy!" I shushed her with a smile.

"You have to use your indoor voice," I explained, "Remember, people are sleeping." She nodded and pretended to zip her lips closed. I smiled before I heard Nakia's door open.

"Hey, Josie," Nancy beamed, "How's my girl?" Josie blushed and climbed down from my lap.

"I'm fine," she answered, "Where's my mommy?" Nancy kindly took her small hand and guided her into the room.

"She's been asking for you all day," Nancy told her, "She really misses you." I followed them into the room, waiting by the door.

"Hey mama!" Josie whispered excitedly. Nakia turned and faced her, reaching out for a hug.

"Give mama some sugar." I laughed lightly as Josie placed her tiny lips on Kia's face. Nancy smiled and excused herself, shutting the door behind her.

"I missed you, mama," Josie confessed as her eyes filled up with tears, "I don't want you to go." I swallowed hard, finding it extremely difficult not feel her pain.

"I don't want to either," Nakia cooed, "But if God wants it . . . "

"I thought God wanted me to be happy," Josie interrupted, "I'm not happy." She wiped her tears angrily and crossed her arms over her chest.

"I know, but you know God's always going to take good care of you and daddy." My tears rolled down my face.

"Is there good cooking in heaven?" Josie suddenly asked, causing Nakia and I to laugh simultaneously.

"Yeah. They have chicken, rice, cornbread . . . " Kia said, playing along.

"Do they have cobblers just like Nana's?" Josie interrupted again. Nakia giggled and looked over at me. I winked and she smiled as she turned back to Josie.

"They sure do," she said, "Whipped cream too." Josie beamed, satisfied with Nakia's answer.

"Good because when I go to heaven, that's all I'm gonna eat." My vision was slowly being blurred by my new tears, but I was smiling. Happy that Josie would have this moment with her mom. Even happier that I'm here to watch it. I was searing this into my memory. Etching every detail into my mind.

I want to remember this forever.

She Don't Have To Know

I might as well get this off my chest while I'm in the mood for honesty. I'm sure you'd love to know what made our relationship not-so-perfect. The reason behind all that is simple when you hear it, but complicated when you go into detail.

I screwed us up. I made an error in judgment that nearly cost me my marriage. My child. My life. All because I couldn't handle a rough patch that I knew would happen eventually. I mean, we were married. Married couples cross a path where things become difficult, but you fight it out. You make things work. Even if it hurts. Even if you have to set your pride aside and compromise. Yet, I failed to remember that when Nakia and I got there.

It was our sixth year of marriage. Eight years since we became a couple. Everything was going fine. We had Josie, three then. I had made two successful albums, one solo and the other with 'Nsync. We were all healthy, financially stable. I thought we were all set. But then the arguments started.

At first, it was over little things. Like where I left my shoes and who was going to set the table. Then it was about money. Where it would go. How it was spent. Basically, the two different worlds we lived in collided. Nakia was the save-a-penny girl. I was the buy-a-mansion-and-a-Mercedes kinda guy. She wanted Josie to have just enough. I wanted to give her the world. It seemed like we couldn't agree on anything anymore.

"Justin, for the love of God, stop buying her these stupid dolls!" Nakia yelled as she grabbed the brand-new Barbie I had just purchased Josie, and threw it into a toy chest.

"What?" I asked angrily, "It was twenty bucks!" She rolled her eyes.

"You can't give her everything just because she wants it." It was my turn to roll my eyes.

"You're acting like I can't afford it," I huffed, "Besides, she kept whining over it. So, I got her the damn doll." She gave me her famous 'stop with the profanity' look before bending over and gathering Josie's crayons that were scattered on the floor.

"Is that your form of parenting?" she asked accusingly, "Give her whatever she whines over just so you wouldn't have to deal with it?"

"Are you trying to call me a bad father?" I said as my anger rose.

"I didn't say that, Justin," she sighed, "I just wish you'd learn to put my foot down."

"I do put my foot down," I argued, "If I don't want her to have it, she doesn't get it."

"Oh please, Justin," Nakia stood and placed her hands on her hips, "The moment she gives you that face, you drop down all resistance." True. So very true. But I wasn't going to admit it.

"She's my daughter, Nakia. I wanna give her whatever I can. She should have good things." I said, trying to reason.

"Good things don't need to be toys, or ice cream at all hours of the night," she shot back, "Teach her something. Help around the house and set an example for her."

"So now I'm not a good role model?" She groaned loudly before dropping the crayons in her hand into a pencil holder.

"Why do you always jump to conclusions?" she asked curiously, "It's like you want me to call you something terrible."

"I just want you to tell me what you're really thinking instead of trying to beat around the bush about shit!" I shouted.

"Stop cursing! ," she demanded, "You know how much I hate that."

"I don't care about what you hate," I sneered, "Fuck! Bitch! Ass! Shit!" I screamed childishly. Nakia's eyes widened and shoved me angrily.

"Josie might hear you!" she growled, "For once in your life, be mature!" I narrowed my eyes at her and turned away from her. I stalked down the hallway and down the stairs. As I crossed the living room, I saw Josie playing aimlessly with her toys, completely unaware of her surroundings. After I made my way out front, I hopped into my car and turned up the radio.

Driving used to calm me. Made my stresses disappear, even if it was for a moment. But on that day, driving changed everything. Driving was a tool the devil used to get me. Trap me with his sharpen claws, pitch fork, and the biggest spawn of Satan known to man: Jessica McDonnell.

She crashed into my car. My brand-new Escalade was ruined because she supposedly didn't see the stop sign. At first, I started cursing everything to hell as I jumped out of my truck. I surveyed the damaged and rolled my eyes.

"Got damn it!" I screamed before turning toward her car, "What are you? Blind!?!" I asked, rhetorically. She stayed in her car and I could see the scared look on her face. I could also see how hot she was when she finally stepped out. Her body was covered in a muscle tee and a mini skirt. She had forgotten to wear a bra because I could see her through the almost transparent material of her shirt.

"I'm so sorry, man," she apologized, "I didn't see you coming." Her hotness failed to diminish my anger, but it did lower it.

"You didn't even stop," I said, no longer yelling, "Thank God I didn't have my daughter in the back. She could've died." Her face turned red with embarrassment and she mumbled another apology.

"I'll pay for the damage . . . " I cut her off with a wave of my hand.

"Forget it . . . " I paused, realizing that I didn't know her name.

"Jessica," she filled in, "Jessica McDonnell." She reached her manicured hand out to me and I shook it with a smile. I dropped her hand and looked around. People were starting to stare.

"Do me a favor, Jessica," I said, "Just . . . watch where you're going next time, okay?" I turned away and got back into my truck, but stopped when I heard Jessica's voice.

"Hey!" she called, "Call my people for the insurance stuff." I looked down at her hand and saw a small business card.

"No, it's okay," I said, "Just forget about it." I offered her a warm smile, my inner flirt slowly rearing its ugly head.

"Then just call me." She flipped the card over, a cell phone number clearly written on it. With a wink and a smile, she walked happily back to her car and drove off. I got into my truck and smiled as I made an u-turn back home. I was pulling into the driveway when I saw that it was dark. Nothing but a small lamp light was shining from Josie's bedroom. It seemed cold and I knew that I was going to hear it from Nakia for leaving so abruptly. So, I reversed and drove down my street for a few minutes before stopping at a red light.

I looked on my dashboard and saw Jessica's card. I reluctantly picked it up and fought myself on whether calling her was such a good idea. I had two options here: Go home and argue or call Jessica and possibly hang out.

Unfortunately, I chose the latter.


Oh, stealing moments just to be with you
Though it's wrong, it's hard to tell the truthBut she don't have to know
She don't have to know


Every time me and Nakia fought, whether it was about a t.v. show or this month's bill, I ran away to Jessica. She was an escape. A girl who just wanted to have fun. She reminded me of the lifestyle I had before marriage. The free, easy-going life where I partied and drank. Even got high every once in a while. Every moment with her was just relaxing. I didn't have worry about apologies and arguments. I didn't have to control my profanity levels when I was around her. I didn't even have to set an example for her like I had to do for Josie.

But whenever I came home from one of our outings, feelings of guilt ran over me. I had a family, a wife and a beautiful daughter, yet I was spending all of my free time with her. Josie rarely got to see me as it was, so I should've been home to her, allowing Josie to have some quality time with me.

And Nakia . . . The Lord knows how much I love her. I couldn't put it into words if I tried. But there was no need to. She knew how I felt and vice versa. No matter how many times we fought and no matter how many nights I hung out with Jessica, I always come back to her.


When I meet cha
I got my shades on to cover up my eyes
I'm hoping that nobody sees me passing by
Through my disguise
I still know you recognize


Jessica was still a part of my double-life.

I still snuck out to see her. I even picked a few fights with Nakia just to have a reason to walk out. I know, I'm an ass. You don't have to tell me twice, but I couldn't help it. She became somewhat addicting. Like I had to see her or my day just wouldn't be right. So, I did what I had to do to see her. Sometimes, I'd work my ass off in the studio in order to get out early. Other times, I'd wear my hat a bit lower and go to less crowded place to meet her. It wasn't Nakia I was running from in moments like those, it was the paparazzi. The last thing I need is a shot of us on the cover of Star Magazine and a headline about my new fling.


But you
I know you got a little secret of your own
Sneaking out with me while your man's at home
You know you're wrong
But it's so strong still carrying on


I wasn't the only one in the wrong here. It turns out that Jessica was very engaged. I believe his name was Reggie. She loved him. She really did. But they were going through the same thing me and Nakia were going through. They just weren't getting along lately and she said I was an escape for her too. I guess that's why some part of me thought it was okay. What Jess and I were doing wasn't uncommon and repulsive. Just human.


Someone's watching
We got to be careful next time or we're through
(creeping, creeping)Damn it's so stressful doing the dirt we do
So sad but true
And I know one day
I'm going to pay


But all good things must come to an end. Especially when reality hits you like a brick. When you have a moment of clarity and realize that your lame ass excuses don't justify your actions.


Then you ask me
To sneak out of town for just a day or three
(1,2,3)
Go to dc and hold hands publicly
All through the streets
Cause they don't know you and they don't know me


I wasn't suppose to get so serious with Jessica. Hell, I wasn't suppose to meet her in the first place. But when she asked me to go to a small town where she grew up, it hit me that I was feeling something. Regret. Guilt. Disgust. I had become one of the most hated kinds of people.

A cheater.


Oh it's getting crazy
I don't want to hurt my baby


But that wasn't me. That wasn't the man I was or wanted to be. And it certainly wasn't the man Nakia thought I was. So, it had to stop. Whatever this thing was between Jessica and I, it wasn't worth my marriage. It was hard to tell her that, but it had to be done.

"Jessica, we can't do this anymore." She looked up at me from across the small café table.

"What do you mean?" By the look on her face, I could tell she knew exactly what I was talking about.

"This . . . thing we've got," I said in a hush tone, "I love my wife, Jess." She huffed and rolled her eyes.

"So now you love your wife?" she questioned, "You weren't worried about her the other night." Wow, burn on me.

"It was a mistake. Everything. Us. The things we've done. The lies I've told," I sighed, "I can't keep doing this to her. To my daughter." She sniffled as tears began to glaze over her eyes. Great. Now I'm an even bigger jerk.

"I know, I'm sorry," she apologized, "I just . . . Reg and I aren't gonna work. I know it." My heart went out to her, but I wasn't going to take back what I said.

"I'm sorry about that," I said, sincerely, "But I want Nakia and I to work, Jessica. I want to make things right." She nodded understandingly before sipping her water.

"So, do you plan on telling her about us?" For a moment, I turned my eyes away from hers. I sighed and shrugged. For the first time in three months, I said something honest.

"I don't know," I answered, "I don't want to cause anymore friction, ya know? Maybe not telling her is a good idea." Jessica shrugged and smirked.

"Hey, the only thing worse than telling her, is not telling her," I licked my lips and continued to listen, "Look, Justin, if you want to make things right, don't start it off on a lie. Be honest and if it's meant to be, than things will work out for you two."

". . . And you'll be fine." I blinked my tears out of my eyes as Eva's hand rubbed my back. I wasn't even paying attention to her, but the last of his words rang through my ears.

And you'll be fine.

"The doctors said she could go any day now," I sniffled and rubbed my red eyes, "I could wake up tomorrow and see an empty hospital bed." Eva's sympathetic look only caused me to wallow deeper into my sorrows. I hated when people looked at me and saw a pathetic loser.

"They said that last month and she's still here, Jay." True, but still. A month ago, she wasn't hacking up her lungs every five minutes. A month ago, I couldn't feel her slipping away from me.

"I know," I sighed and buried my face into my hands, "Why her?". Eva shrugged and wrapped her tiny arms as best she could over my board shoulders.

"Why anybody?" she asked, "Things happen, Justin. We can't control it, but we have to deal with it." I nodded, but felt no form of comfort from her empty words.

"Yeah, I know." I replied, "I just have to deal with it."

Number One

It's been a little over two weeks since Eva talked with me. Her empty words were somewhat helpful and I did feel a moment of comfort when I thought over them. She's still here. I'll be okay. But what happens when she's gone? Only God knows, but I think that the only thing that's gonna keep me from jumping off of a building is Josie. She's so precious. Innocent. Completely . . . innocent. It hurts to know she cries for me. To know that she understands, even if it's only a little bit, that her mom is leaving her for good soon. I spent the night home with her. She cried a lot. I cried a lot. It was refreshing to finally have someone who really understood what I was going through. Even if she was only four years old.

"Daddy?" I turned my head tiredly over to Josie as she stretched her tiny arms and stood from the uncomfortable chair in the corner of the room.

"Yeah, sugar?" I answered, aware that my southern accent emerged. She slowly walked over to me and I pulled her onto my lap. Her eyes shot in the direction of her sleeping mother. I followed her gaze and for a moment I wished that Nakia would magically rise off the bed and walk out of here with us. Happy and cancer-free.

But I knew that would never happen.

"What happens when mama leaves us?" I strained to hear her whispering voice and sighed. How can you answer a question if you don't have an answer to it?

"Well," I began, "Mom wants us to move on. Be happy and take care of each other." She nodded and snuggled her head into my chest.

"What if I'm never happy?" she asked, "Will mommy be mad?" I wrapped my arms around her tiny frame and gave her a tiny squeeze.

"Of course not, baby," I assured, "Mama knows you're gonna be happy again, you just have to be patient." She shook her head in disagreement before wailing.

"No! No!" I tried to hush her, not wanting to wake up Nakia, "I hate God!" Angry tears rolled down her face as she sobbed. Nakia stirred and began to cough. I didn't know whether to comfort Josie or assist Nakia. All the noises became somewhat overbearing. Until the coughing stopped and the straight-lined siren of Nakia's monitor took over. I could her a tiny alarm automatically go off and I froze.

Her heart stopped. Nakia's heart just stopped.

"Somebody help me," I said in a breathless panic before screaming at the top of my lungs, "SOMEBODY! PLEASE! MY WIFE!"

I heart was pounding like crazy. Everything became a blur. I had to feel my way through the hallway as I shouted for help. I could hear the rushing feet of doctors and nurses. I could hear my daughter's cry as she clung to me. I could feel the hands of a nurse against my chest, holding me back as I fought my way through the crowd. She kept telling me I had to wait out here. That it wouldn't be wise for me and my daughter to see this. Whatever the hell this was. I finally relented though, too tired and dazed to fight anymore.

I was going to lose my wife. Again. This time would be permanent though. But it hurts all the same.

The first time I nearly lost her was two years ago. About a month after I broke off my engagement with Jessica. Everything was clean cut. I stayed home and battled everything out and we got through it. Granted, I hadn't told her about Jessica and me, and I wasn't going to. I know they say honesty is the best policy, but there's an exception for every case.

"Justin!" Nakia giggled as I pinned her down to the bed, "Josie's in the other room." I shrugged and smiled before continuing my journey of butterfly kisses over her breast.

"Never stopped us before." I mumbled as I licked her sweet skin. Her small hands gently gripped my hair as I did so and an animal-like growl escaped my lips.

"You're gonna have to explain the noises to her next time," Nakia smiled, "The roller coaster line isn't working any more." I laughed and looked up at her as I nipped the skin around her naval.

"Or maybe . . . " I said before kissing her thigh, "Somebody should learn how to muffle her screams." I could see the blush fill her cheeks. It still amazed me how I still made her blush after all these years.

"Bite me." She giggled and I raised a brow.

"If that's what you want." I said as I softly bit down on her inner thigh. She squeezed her legs around my head in her fit of laughter and I chuckled.

"I should suffocate you in there." she threatened.

"I'd die happy." I informed her as she released me from her thigh prison. Her hands rested softly on my cheeks as her eyes found mine.

"Come here." she cooed softly. I happily obliged and climbed over her on all fours. For a few moments, she simply examined my features as though she never saw me before. She then rubbed the back off my neck, her fingers playing with my tiny curls.

"As much as I'm enjoying this, can you tell me where this is going?" She laughed and sat up to kiss me.

"You are so impatient," She smiled and kissed me again, "I have a surprise for you." I let out a primitive growl and kissed her neck.

"Is it in here?" I questioned as my hands trailed up her short nightie. She laughed and sighed.

"That's the other half," I laughed as her hands tickled my sides gently, causing me to peel myself off of her long enough for her to jump out of bed.

"Where ya going?" I whined. She looked over her shoulder at me as she walked over to our bureau.

"Nowhere," she answered as she pulled open one of the drawers. She pulled something out of it and hid it behind her back, "You better like this." she warned as she walked over to me.

"Let me see it and we'll find out." Nakia's grin was back on her face as she sat on the edge of our bed. She sat up and I followed suit, excited over my gift.

"Here," she said as she held out a velvet box, "Open it." I timidly opened the box, afraid that she had spent way too much money on me. My fear wasn't in vain. She had gotten me a gold, engraved bracelet. It read N & J For All Eternity . I smiled at the thought and looked up at her as she smiled softly.

"This is really beautiful, Kia." I professed, "But it looks expensive." Nakia rolled her eyes and waved me off.

"Money isn't what's important," she told me, "It's an apology." I looked at her weirdly as she clasped the gift around my wrist.

"An apology for what?" I asked as I held her hand in mine. She shrugged and bit her bottom lip.

"Everything," she breathed, "I've been really hard on you, Justin. All these arguments and stuff, they were so petty and pointless." My guilt was already on the rise.

"No, honey, it's not your fault," I assured, "I'm the one who was being a prick. I didn't take your feelings into consideration . . . "

"Justin, please," she said, cutting me off, "You always put me first and I never appreciated that. You're such a great husband. You're loyal, faithful, honest, and even though you can be stubborn as heck, you set your pride aside to do what it takes to make me happy. And for that, I'm grateful." I didn't even know what to say to that. Because it was all a lie. I'm a terrible husband. I'm a whore, that's what I am.

I wanted to tell her everything. About Jessica. About how truly sorry I am for cheating and how I'd never do it again. But I didn't. Instead, I smiled and thanked her. I even cried and she held me. But they weren't tears of joy. They were painful tears caused by the regret eating away at my soul. She loved me too much. I didn't deserve her. Nakia deserved a man who was as faithful and strong as her. Not me.

I was a liar and I wish I hadn't been. I think my honesty could've prevented the drama that came a week later.

It was a Saturday. Trace and I had gotten back from a game of basketball and he dropped me off before heading down to Elisha's, his girlfriend, house. I walked in and checked the mail laying on the coffee table.

"Kia!" I called but was meant by my own echo, "Nakia!" I called again. No response. So, I headed upstairs. I could hear some shuffling coming from our bedroom and I stuck my head in. I saw her sitting on the edge of the bed. Her hand had a death grip on the phone as her furious eyes met mine.

"Where were you?" she asked suddenly. I stiffened up with fear before answering.

"I was with Trace at the rec.," I said quickly, "What's wrong?" She stood, the phone still in her hand.

"I don't know, Justin," she said, "You tell me!" I stood there, clueless and scared.

"I don't . . . " I began before being interrupted.

"Who's Jessica?" I froze into place and tried to play it off.

"Jessica who?" Before I could blink, Nakia threw the phone at my head. I ducked and backed away as she stomped toward me.

"Don't lie!" she screamed, "You know who she is! How . . . How could you do this to me?" Her voice cracked as she turned away from me. I could see her reflection in the bureau's mirror as she leaned on it.

"How . . . "

"She called." Nakia answered before I could finish my question, "She called and asked you to take her back. She said that she missed everything . . . you guys had." I could hear her sniffle and sob as I stood there helplessly.

"We didn't have anything," I explained, "She was nothing, Nakia. I love you." She let out a bitter laugh as she turned to face me.

"You love me?" she asked, rhetorically, "Is that why you cheated? To prove how much you loved me?"


You can't say I don't love you
Just because I cheat on you
Cuz you can't see all I do
To keep you from knowing the things I do


"No," I told her, "I . . . I don't even know why I cheated." I said, honestly. Her eyes filled up with more tears as she covered her mouth to muffle her cries.

"You let me believe that everything we've been going through was my fault," She wiped her tears, "I can't even look at you anymore."


Like erase my phone
And keep it out of town
I keep it strapped up when I sleep around
Well I should have known one day you'd find out
But you can't go and leave me now


This is my worst nightmare come true. All of my dirty laundry was hung out to dry and Nakia had to witness it all. I never wanted this. Any of it, but I just have to deal with it.

"Jessica was . . . somebody I could go to when we were fighting," I said, "I couldn't deal with us and the stress so I. . ."

"Ran away? Left me alone? Found some other woman to fulfill your needs because I was too angry to sleep with you?" Her eyes never left mine as her words hit me.

"Things were getting so bad between us . . . " I said, rambling by now.

"I was there, Justin!" she screamed, "I was right there with you. Every fight. Every make up. Every moment in our marriage. I never left you. You left me!"


You know that I love you
There's no one above you
I said it the last time
But this is the last time


"It was a mistake!" I said as my hot tears rolled down my cheeks, "I swear, I won't do it again."

"Of course you're not," Nakia whispered, "Not to me anyway."


Don't make me over
Cuz I can be faithful
Baby you're my number one
You're my number one


"What?" I asked as my heart picked up pace. She couldn't be saying what I thought she was saying.

"You heard me," she answered, "I can't, I just can't."


Well I'll never be something I'm not
Please don't throw away what we've got
Cuz we've been together for way too long
I was playing around but I'm coming home


"No, no, no," I pleaded, "Don't say that. We'll get past this." She shook her head as she walked over to our closet.

"This isn't some petty argument," she said, "This is something I can't deal with. You're not the man I married." Ouch. Words will never hurt me is a damn lie.

"I'm sorry," I said as I watched her grab as suitcase and toss some clothes in it, "I'm not perfect." She wiped her eyes and continued to throw her clothes inside of the case.

"I never asked you to be," she informed me, "I just asked you to be true to your vows. To love me. To be faithful. But I guess that was just too much for you."


You know that I love you (know that I love you)
There's no one above you (no one above you)
I said it the last time (hey, hey)
But this is the last time
Don't make me over (don't leave me baby)
Cuz I can be faithful (you know I try)
Baby you're my number one (baby)
You're my number one


"Nakia, please!" I said as I grabbed her suitcase. She ran her hands through her jet black hair and cried.

"Justin, give it back." I held it behind my back and refused.

"No," I said, "Not unless you promise to stay." She wiped her tears again, but they were quickly replaced by a fresh set.

"You don't know how hard this is for me," she said, "Do you think I want this?" I sniffled and wiped my own tears.


You're making it hard for me
You're messing up everything
You tell me I gotta leave
Say we over


"Then stay." I plead as she shakes her head. I know she wanted to stay as badly as I wanted her to, but she was trying to stand her ground.

"Justin!" she yelled before sobbing, "Just . . . just let me leave." I watched as she fell onto the edge of the bed, her face buried into her hands. I could've sworn I heard her heart breaking and it tore me apart. She needed to leave. And I loved her enough to give her that.

"Here," I said as I reluctantly handed her the suitcase, "I'm sorry." She took the suitcase and walked out. She didn't give any acknowledgment to my existence and I couldn't blame her. I couldn't blame her for keeping Josie out of my view for three months. I can't blame her for moving out. I can't blame her for avoiding me at all cost. Going as far as to send JC over to drop off and pick up Josie whenever Nakia let her stay over. She didn't talk to me. I did all I could to reach her. I know she was living with JC for the past six months. I asked him to take her in and make sure she was safe. As well as Josie.

"She's not ready to see you," JC always said whenever I asked him how she was doing. I was beginning to become physically ill every time I heard that phrase. But I had accepted and expected it. I knew that it was all for the best and rushing her wasn't going to be the right thing to do. So, I waited for her. I waited her to take me back. But then I lost my patience and did something stupid.

I payed her a visit.

As soon as she opened the door, I could tell she was horrified by my presence. She was in sweats and a sweater. Her glasses were on her face and her skin had a natural tan. She looked absolutely beautiful.

"Hey," I greeted lamely. She timidly looked me up and down before pushing the door open, but only big enough for her to push half her body out. Before I knew what was happening, she was crying her eyes out. I began to panic and did what I usually did, I reached out to hold her.

But she wasn't looking for any of my affection.

"No!" she shouted, "Don't put your hands on me!" I jumped back, shocked by her reaction.

"I'm sorry," I rambled, "I won't do it. I swear, I changed, I changed." I grabbed her arm and in my own panic, tried to pull her toward me.


I promise I won't cheat
I promise I won't lie
I promise I'll act right


"Justin, stop it! Stop!" She pushed against me, but I was ten times stronger than her.

"I love you so much, Kia. Please come home." When I think about it now, I realize how psychotic I sounded.

"Justin, please. Let me go."


Say we over
You can't tell me
I can't have you
I can't have that
We ain't over


"But I love you." I said as she backed away from me. She stayed silent for a moment before walking back inside of the house. She turned and faced me, a solemn look on her face.

"But I don't love you."

I Can Change

As you can imagine, I just about died when she told me she didn't love me. My world was over. My heart was gone. I lost her completely.

But I'm also too stubborn to accept that.

So, I was on a mission. A mission to get her back. To earn her trust. She loved me. I know she did. It was her anger and hurt talking, not her heart. I, Justin Randall Timberlake, was going to get his wife back by proving to her that the man she married. The man she loved, was still here, ready and willing to give her the world.


As I look back on all that I've done to you
My biggest regrets
The things that I never could do


I was going to be her Justin again. I was going to shave. She loved my smooth skin. I was going to spruce up the house and build up that swing set for Josie. I was going to cook too. Well, try anyway. I wanted to impress her. JC and Trace would tell her about all of my improvements and she would say that she wanted to come home.


I see the light now baby it's shining through
Gotta give up the game
Yeah I got some changin' to do


It took months of hard work and persuasion, but it finally happened. She came over. Granted, it was to pick up Josie, but still, it was something. She looked good too. Great, actually. It scared me though, knowing that she was doing that well without me. But I didn't let that get to me. I was confident. I was going to get a conversation started and we were going to make this work.

"Hey." My voice cracked. You know that annoying wheezing sound that happens to guys sometimes when they're in the middle of puberty? Yeah, that's what I sounded like. But Nakia didn't seem to mind. She only cracked a smile momentarily before she realized I was happy with this.

"Hi." she replied. That was it. Our first conversation in months consisted of a hey and hi. But it was exhilarating! I mean, come on. Months without looking at her and hearing her voice. This was great. But then it got less great because all of our conversations for the next month were like that. Hi, bye, see ya later. Nothing else. It was very frustrating. After all my work, nothing much changed.

"Hello, Justin." Nakia greeted as she walked through the back door. I smiled and stood, adjusting my sweater to make sure it was just right for her.

"Hey, Kia." She offered me a soft smile before awkwardly leaning on the kitchen counter, "Josie should be down any minute now." I continued, not really knowing what to do. I didn't want this to be all I got out of her.

"Okay." she said drily as she looked around the kitchen, "It's really clean in here." she commented as I beamed with pride.

"Yeah, I've been keeping it that way," She nodded, "They've got this really great cleaner nowadays called Scrubbing something." Nakia laughed lightly and I blushed.

"Bubbles," she added, "Scrubbing Bubbles." I agreed with her excitingly.

"Yeah, that's right!" I smiled as she grinned at me, "I knew it was bubbles or balls, whatever." We both shared a laugh before we heard the patter of tiny feet.

"Mommy!" Josie said as she hugged her mother's leg. Nakia smiled and ran her hand over her head.

"Hey, babe. You ready?" Josie nodded before turning to me.

"Bye, daddy." I leaned down to receive my kiss on the cheek before Josie tugged at my shirt sleeve.

"What is it, princess?" She looked back at her mother before looking up at me.

"Can you come over for dinner?" I raised my brows and my eyes widened in surprised. I sighed, knowing that I would have to reject. Nakia obviously wasn't too pleased with the offer.

"I can't," I lied, "I have work to do at the studio." Josie pouted and stomped her feet.

"Daddy!" she whined, "Please?" Her big eyes glazed over and my heart strings were pulled. I couldn't deal with this. I couldn't keep lying.

"Ask your mother." Nakia shot me a stern look as I smiled up at her innocently. Josie did the same, her eyes begging for a yes.

"I don't see why not." Kia finally relented. Josie jumped for joy and I smiled brightly.

"Can you sleep over?" Josie asked. Now she was pushing her luck.

"Not tonight," I said evasively, "I gotta get into the studio right after dinner, so rain check?" She nodded and took my hand before grabbing her mother's. We made our way out the door and swung Josie between us as we got to the car. The ride down to JC's house consisted of a convo between us and Josie. We never spoke to each other directly, no matter how hard I tried to get it to happen. When we finally pulled up to JC's gates, Josie informed me that Josh had flown out of town for the night and that's why she asked me to stay over.

I couldn't tell you how excited I was to hear that. The last thing I needed was for Nakia to avoid me by hiding behind him. We'd have to have a conversation eventually. So what if it wasn't before dinner. So what if she didn't look at me while we ate our meal. So what if I stayed until nine o'clock at night and I still got nothing. The point is, I got the conversation started eventually.

"So, are you going to not speak to me all night?" I asked as I picked up the dishes on the table and placed them in the sink.

"No, just until you leave," Nakia answered, "Which can be now. I can handle the dishes." She grabbed the plate from my hand and placed it on the counter before turning away from me and heading out to the living room. I followed her and began to gather up Josie's toys.

"I'm gonna help you clean up," I said, "It's the least I could do." She looked over at me.

"Is this your way of trying to get me back?" I shrugged and smiled sheepishly.

"Is it working?" She narrowed her eyes at me before rolling them.

"No." I shrugged and placed the toys into a box.

"Then it isn't a way for me to get you back." Kia sighed and yawned tiredly.

"Justin, I don't want to deal with you right now." she said, "Just go home and save me an argument."

"Who said I wanted to argue?" I asked, "I'm just trying to get my wife to talk to me."

"So now you wanna talk?" she snapped as I stopped my movements. Nakia shook her head and walked back into the kitchen to wash her hands. Again, I followed.

"I wanted to talk since everything happened," I told her, "I want to make this work." She dried her hands on a small towel.

"I don't think this will work, Justin," she confessed, "I can't get this image of you and some other woman out of my head." I sighed and rubbed my hands over my face.

"I never slept with her." Nakia huffed and rolled her eyes.

"Really?" she questioned, "What did you do then? Talk and hold hands?" I shrugged and looked her straight in the eyes.

"Basically." The look of surprise ran over her face before she looked away from me.

"Did you kiss her?" I nodded and sighed.

"Yes." I could hear a disappointed sigh escape her lips and I put my head down in shame. Sure, I kissed her. Yes, it was tongue kissing. Occasionally, anyway. But I never slept with her. That was a line I couldn't bring myself to cross. By the time my mouth was on hers, my guilt was on the rise. By the time I pulled away, I was completely disgusted with myself.

"So, you guys were . . . connected?" she asked timidly, trying her best to hold back tears.

"We were going through the same thing. Our marriages weren't in the best place and we found comfort in each other." She nodded before clearing her throat.

"Did you. . ." She looked down at her hands as I waited for her to continued, "Did you love her?" I shook my head vigorously.

"No! My God, no." I assured, "I only love you, Kia."

"Justin . . . " she began before I interrupted.

"Look, Kia, I know that you probably hate me right now. The Lord knows you have every right to be. But I want you to know that I have done everything in my power to become a better man for you. I quit all that weed shit I was doing. I haven't gone clubbing at all. I haven't tasted a drop of liquor for months now. I learned how to cook. Well, sorta. I can attempt to cook without burning down the house . . . " She laughed and it seemed to end the tension of the room.


I won't get high if you want it
Get that straight
9 to 5 if you want it
Keep my ass home at night if you want it
Whatever you need me to do


"You are ridiculous." she said. I shrugged.

"I'm just desperately in love with you and want you back," I paused, "I need you back." Her smile slowly faded as she cast her eyes down on the floor.


When you talk I'ma listen
Give you all that attention you missing
Girl I swear I'ma handle my business
Just like a real man should do


"I love you, Jay." she breathed, causing my heart to leap, "But I don't trust you anymore." And there goes my happy bubble.

"But . . . " I stumbled over my words, "I'm not exactly what you deserve yet, but I'm definitely trying to be. I'll get there, I promise."


I can change
I can change (you know I can change baby)
I can change
For you (you know I can stop baby)
I can change (you know I change baby)
I can change
I can change
For you (you know I can stop baby)


"You are such a good man, Justin. That's why I just can't get over this. I don't know how you could even be capable of hurting me this way." I could practically feel myself sinking into the ground. I was lower than low. She did nothing to deserve this.

"Why don't you come home, see how much I changed? I'll be good for you." I pleaded as I silently cursed myself for stealing a line for that Godforsaken song.


I'll give up all the places I used to go
Stay out the club
Stay home because I'm with you
I'll give up all those girls that I used to know
They don't compare
Baby I swear it's the truth (you know it's the truth baby)


"I never asked you to change," Kia explained, "There was nothing wrong with you in the first place."

"Then why not come home?" I questioned as she shrugged and twirled her fingers.


So I'm through with the women
Yeah that's right
I give up on the pimpin'
Girl I'm gonna repent from my sinnin'
If that's what you want me to do


"What happened to Jessica?" she asked suddenly. I shook my head and rolled my eyes.

"I don't even know," I answered, "Ever since I called things off with her, I never spoke to her again."

"Does that mean she's not gonna come knockin' on our door, begging for you to take her back?" I walked up to her, sighing when she backed away.

"She can knock all she wants, but I'm not gonna let her in."


I'll get right if you want it
Go to church
Get baptized if you want it
Girl you opened my eyes and I'm gonna
Be much better for you


Nakia wiped her eyes as tears rolled down her cheeks. She stood silent for a moment, never once meeting my gaze. I stood there patiently, waiting for her to speak.

"I can't," she said, causing me bite my bottom lip, "I'm sorry, but I just can't."


Gotta believe me (you gotta believe me baby)
Gotta believe me (mmm yeah)
I telling the truth


"What do you want from me?" I asked, suddenly. She looked up at me and shook her head.

"Nothing, Justin. Nothing." I wasn't having that.

"No, you tell me what I have to do to make you happy again. Tell me what you want." She turned her back to me and sniffled.

"I don't want anything." she whispered.

"Come on, there's gotta be something." I continued, "What? Do you want to scream at me? Curse me out?"

"Of course not . . . "

"No, I think you do." I argued, "I remember you throwing a phone at me." She sighed and her cheeks reddened.

"I'm sorry about that." she apologized.

"No, don't be sorry. You had every right," I assured, "So is that what you want to do?" She looked at me like I was crazy.

"Do what?"

"Hit me." I said. She raised a brow and shook her head.

"No."

"Go ahead," I encouraged, "Hit me. Throw something." I picked up a paperweight that was laying on the table and placed it in her hand.

"What is this?" she asked worriedly.

"Throw it at me," I demanded, "Hit me right between the eyes." Nakia looked absolutely petrified.

"Are you crazy?" she asked, rhetorically, "I'm not throwing this or anything at your head!" I rolled my eyes and took it from her. I grabbed her hands and balled them up.

"Punch me," I said, "Let it all out." Her eyes filled up with tears and she dropped her fists.

"I don't want to." she whined. I balled her hands up again and positioned myself down to her level.

"Hit me." I demanded.

"No."

"Hit. Me."

"No, Justin!" Nakia yelled, "You're being irrational."

"Does that make you want to hit me?" I asked.

"No, you moron." I smiled.

"Name calling means you're angry. So, hit me." She shook her head again and I rolled my eyes.

"I'm not gonna do it." she cried, "I don't want to hurt you." I decided that the only thing to do was piss her off.

"Stop acting like a bitch and hit me." I growled. My curse word and tone caused her to look at me angrily.

"Did you just call me a bitch?" I shook my head and laughed in a condescending manner.

"Of course not," I told her, "I said you were acting like one." She rolled her eyes.

"I know what you're trying to do. It's not gonna work." I, being the stubborn prick that I am, laughed in her face.

"You're weak. You know that?" I accused, "You can't even hit somebody who screwed you over completely."

"I'm not listening to this." she said as she turned to walk away.

"Look at you. You can't even face confrontation." I taunted, "Jessica could." She walked back up to me, an inch away from my face.

"Shut up."

"Or what?" I challenged, "You'll cry?" She took a defensive step back and I prepared myself for a hit.

"You are such an ass." My eyes widened, shocked that those words left her mouth. She gasped and covered her mouth.

"Whoa," I said, "Goodie goodie used a bad word." She shoved me and bit her lip.

"You see what you did?" I shrugged and smiled.

"Yeah, I loosened that tight ass of yours," I chuckled, "In more ways than one." You know how you think you're ready for something, but as soon as it hits you, you're completely caught off guard? Yeah, I had one of those moments when I felt Nakia's fist connect with my jaw. I was expecting a dramatic smack, but she apparently had different plans.

"Oh my goodness!" Nakia said as she shook her hand in pain. I grabbed my face and groaned before I realized there was blood dripping from my mouth.

"Jesus Christ!" I mumbled, "Did you morph into Mike Tyson for a minute?" She ignored my comment and ran over to the fridge. She grabbed some ice and packed it as I rinsed my mouth out at the sink. I felt the coldness of the ice as Nakia placed it on my face.

"You idiot!" she shouted, "I told you to shut up." I laughed and moaned when a pain shot through my mouth.

"Do you feel better now?" Nakia smiled sheepishly and shrugged.

"I guess," I smiled but quickly regretted that, "You are so horrible."

"Says the one who got a kick out of punching her husband." We both laughed before Nakia placed her hand on my other cheek, turning me to face her.

"I want to try to work this out," she confessed, "But it's not gonna be all forgive and forget." I nodded understandingly before leaning in and kissing her. It was sheer bliss to have my lips grace hers after so much time.

"I promise this won't be in vain." And it wasn't. Of course, it wasn't easy. The tabloids had a field day when the printed out photos of us leaving our therapist. It was routine couple's therapy, but of course it was because we couldn't conceive and Josie wasn't my baby. Assholes. But anyway, we obviously had some rough times. Sometimes Nakia gets self-conscious when I'm around other women, but we are too in love. We've got our problems like everyone else, but we always make it work.

"So is she gonna be okay?" Trace asked as we sat outside of the intensive care unit of the hospital. The bench we were sitting on wasn't comfortable but it was a lot easier to deal with than watching Nakia's body disappear beneath all the IV's and machinery around her. They got there on time. The doctors and nurses got her heart going, but she's still in critical condition. She's even under observation. Things had taken a turn for the worse, but she was still here.

"They don't know," I answered, "They said that her heart's breaking down because of the cancer." Trace nodded and looked away. That's the one thing I love about Trace. He never says anything he's not sure of. He never says that things will work out fine. He never says he understands. He just listens and accepts.

"She's a trooper though," Trace smirked as he turned to face me, "I admire her strength." I smiled and nodded.

"I do too," I said, "Hopefully she'll stay strong for a while longer."

Ordinary People

"So this is my fault?" I asked loudly as I tried to calm Josie as she wailed.

"You were suppose to watch her, Justin!" Nakia shouted, "I leave with her for five minutes and all heck breaks loose!" I rolled my eyes and focused on my daughter.

"Does it hurt here?" I asked as poked a spot on the side of her knee. That only cause her to scream in pain.

"Stop poking her!" Nakia demanded, "She's hurting, don't you see that?"

"Of course I see it!" I snapped, "You would've seen it if you were outside like you were suppose to be."

"You were two feet away from her," she argued, "This is your fault!"

"You know what?" I sighed, "It was nobody's fault. Kids fall, shit happens." Shit like Josie's biking incident. It seems that she thought she could make a turn in a small walkway. She failed. In fact, she ended up running into a wall and falling into a water less outdoor hot tub we have. She scrapped up her knee, but nothing life threatening. Although, you probably couldn't tell that by the way we're bickering.


Girl I'm in love with you
But this ain't the honeymoon
We're pass the infatuation phase


I walked over to the first aid kit that was now lying on the kitchen table. I opened it up and grabbed some band-aids and an alcohol patch. As I made my way over to Josie, I was made sure I had a small smile on face, trying to assure her that things were okay.

"No!" Josie protested, "It burns!" I didn't even touch her with the alcohol and she was already fighting me. She was just like her mother. Stubborn and dramatic.

"It'll make sure the bad germs go away," I said, "You don't want nasty germs floating around that beautiful little knee of yours, do ya?" Nakia smiled softly at Josie. I watched as they silently communicated in a way that only two females could and I was almost tempted to roll my eyes. But it was cute. They would be close to each other when Josie got older. I could already tell. She was a mama's girl.

"Okay, daddy." Josie said. I smiled, grateful that I wouldn't have to strap her down to clean her cut. She hissed when I rubbed her knee down. I blew on it, trying to cool it off. She seemed satisfied with this. I placed the bandages on there and kissed it when I was done.

"See? That wasn't so bad." I cooed as I picked her up off the counter and placed her on the floor. She examined her bandage before looking up at me smiling.

"Thank you!" I smiled as she nuzzled her face into my knee. She giggled and ran back outside. I had no doubt in my mind that she was going to get on her killer bike again.

I'll never understand that about children. They never seem to learn.


Right in the thick of love
At times we get sick of love
It seems like we argue everyday


It's been about two months since Nakia decided that she wanted to work things out. I'd be lying if I said everything fell into place and we were living happily ever after. All hell broke loose and everything we disagreed about turned into a never-ending war of words. Like Josie's fall. We were both outside, grilling and talking as she rode her bike. All the 'Nsync guys and girlfriends came over, my mom, Lisa, and both my dads along with my brothers were there too. It was a normal cookout until everybody headed inside to watch a movie. I was gathering up the food and that's when I heard her scream.

I probably should've been looking out for her, but I could've sworn she went inside with her mom. So it's not my fault. It's nobody's fault. But of course Nakia and I find some way to blame the other. This time, our argument didn't spiral into a whirlwind of tears and curse words, instead, it fell into place. Which is a pleasant surprise.

But it didn't stay that way.


I know I misbehaved
And you made your mistakes
And we both still got room left to grow


It was two in the morning when I came creeping into my mansion, trying my best not to step on anything to alert Nakia of my presence. The house was dark and the only light on was coming from Josie's room. It was a glowing cross her mother got her because she was afraid of the dark, so that didn't bother me. I continued to walk through the hall, making my way down to my bedroom. The door was open, a glimmer of hope for me. When it's shut, it's a sure sign that I'm sleeping on the couch.

Anyway, I curse myself as I step on the sneaker Nakia asked me to move earlier. I bit my lip to hold back my whimper of pain as I continue to creep toward the bathroom. Before I walk in there, I glance back at our bed. Seeing Nakia asleep, I continue to walk inside until I heard her voice.

"Nice of you to finally come home." I close my eyes and sigh. She definitely wasn't happy. But she didn't sound angry, just disappointed.

"I'm sorry, babe. I got caught up at the studio." I explain as I turn to face her. She sits up and clicks on the lamp, staring at me with tired eyes.

"If you just got caught up at the studio, why sneak in?" she questioned. I shrugged and smirked.

"I don't know, I just didn't want to wake you, I guess." She rolled her eyes and laid back down, turning her back to me.

"Whatever, Justin." I breathed as I realized she didn't believe me. Something that was becoming quite common lately.


And though love sometimes hurts
I still put you first
And we'll make this thing work
But I think we should take it slow


I know that I fucked up. How many times do I have to say that? But I'm not going to do that again. Not now. Not ever. I just wish Nakia would believe me.

"I swear to you that I was at the studio." I said softly. She didn't respond. "You can call Pharrell if you want. He was right there with me. And Chad too."

"I don't want to call Pharrell or Chad," she told me, "I believe you, okay?" Heck no, it wasn't okay.

"Then why are you so mad?" I pried as I sat on the edge of the bed. She scooted over, leaving a gap between me and her.

"I'm not mad." she argued as I rolled my eyes.

"Is that why you moved two feet away from me?" She sat up again and placed her back against our headboard. We sat there in silence for a few moments before she looked up at our ceiling.

"I really do want to believe," Nakia fiddled with her fingers as she spoke, "But I can't. I just keep remembering every other time you told me you were working late and you were really . . . "

"Kia," I interrupted with a frustrated groan, "That was like a year ago."

"Ten months, two weeks, and five days," My eyes widened in shock at her precision, "But who's counting?"

"I can probably name one person," I pouted, "The point is, that happened a while ago and it's not gonna happen again."

"You promised it wouldn't happen at all when we first got together," Nakia pointed out, "We both see how that turned out."

"I thought you forgave me," I whined, "I thought you wanted to work this out."

"I do!" Nakia said, raising her voice, "If I didn't want this to work out, I wouldn't be here right now. And I never said I forgave you."

"Are you ever going to?" I said angrily, bringing my voice level up to match her own.

"Don't try to turn this around on me, Justin," she growled, "You shouldn't have cheated!"

"Don't you think I know that?" I asked, "Every single time I look in the mirror, I see a cheating bastard who doesn't deserve you. I know that everything's my fault, Nakia. I blame myself for everything we've ever gone through. I just need you to forgive so that I can maybe forgive myself one day."

"Why are you making this about you?" she asked suddenly, "How dare you make up that whole sap story so that I could feel bad for you."

"It's not some made up story, Kia. It's how I feel." I explained, "I wish you'd start believing me."


We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go


"How can you expect me to believe someone who lied to me for months?" she questioned, "Lied to his daughter and said he was too busy with work to spend time with her when he was really out with some other woman." Disgust was written all over her face as she spat her words at me. I realized that she hated me. Well, that side of me.

"Kia, please . . . " I began before being interrupted.

"Don't Kia me," she said as she pushed me off the bed. I caught myself long enough to stand. She stood also and I backed up even more, not wanting her to punch like she did before.


Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow


"This is too much . . . " I sighed. Kia looked at me curiously, finally calming down enough to hear a word I say.

"What?" she questioned as she placed her hands on her hips.

"Us, these arguments we're having." I explained, "Maybe this is too soon for you." She raised a brow, confused by my words.

"What are you trying to say, Justin?" I didn't know what I was trying to say. All I knew was that everything seemed to be suffocating, that I couldn't watch her hate me more and more each day. That I couldn't stand hearing her cry at night as I pretended to be asleep.


This ain't a movie no
No fairy tale conclusion ya'll
It gets more confusing everyday


"What I'm trying to say is . . . " I paused, carefully choosing my words, "Maybe we need a little time apart." She took a breath as she digested my words. I watched as she plopped down on the edge of the bed. Her baby face filled with sadness and confusion as she brought her eyes up to meet mine.

"Maybe you're right." Wow. It's sad to say that that's probably the first agreement we've had in months.


Sometimes it's heaven sent
Then we head back to hell again
We kiss and we make up on the way


So, we took a break. She moved in with Elisha for two weeks. Even though she was gone, we still talked. She'd call and ask how I was doing. I'd tell her I was fine. Then she'd get angry and asked how I could be doing so well without her. Then I'd admit that I missed her like crazy, but by that time, she doesn't want to hear it. So we'd argue over the phone. As ridiculous as it may sound, it was therapy. It was a lot easier to say things over the phone than face to face, so it got a lot of things off of our chest.

But it did make us break up like sixty times in that short period of time. She'd say she hates me and that she never wants to see me again. I'd tell her that if she loves me she'd forgive and tell her that I give up. But in the end, we'd apologize and move on.


I hang up, you call
We rise and we fall
And we feel like just walking away


I came to realize that I would rather argue with her every night and wake up only to fight again, then to not wake up next to her at all. She was a part of me. Our marriage wove us together and I refused to let that unravel. I refused to let her go.

This was going to work even if it killed me.


As our love advances
We take second chances
Though it's not a fantasy
I still want you to stay


Sure, with all the hostility still floating around us when she moved back, statistics would've told us to save ourselves the trouble and get a divorce. But I wasn't having that. I couldn't put my daughter through the whole divorcing process. I've been in her situation. I knew what it felt like to watch your parents fight and rip each other apart emotionally until one of them couldn't take it anymore. She didn't deserve that.


We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow


So, Nakia and I decided to sit down and talk. About everything. About my affair. About the issues we were too afraid to address. We made ourselves vulnerable to each other. We didn't leave anything out.

"Justin, when I got that call from Jessica, I felt like everything was closing in on me," Nakia explained, "I felt like. . . like I couldn't breathe. All this hurt and betrayal came over me and for a moment, I did hate you. When you walked in our bedroom door, I wanted to kill you." I laughed lightly as she chuckled.

"Yeah, I know," I smiled, "You chucked a phone at my head."

"No, Justin. You don't know," Kia countered, "I wanted to kill you. Like a slow and torturous death, man." I nodded, somewhat afraid.

"I wanted to kill all those other chicks who cheated on me." I said, "Hell, I told one of them to cry me a river."

"Those don't even compare to what you did to me, Justin," Nakia told me, "I gave up my fiancé for you." I nodded and took her hand.

"I know." I said softly.

"I waited for twenty-three years to find the right man that I wanted to give my whole self to. Emotionally, spiritually and physically. All the things I was most afraid of giving away."

"I'm sorry," I apologized, not really knowing what to say.

"Justin, knowing that you cheated, after I gave you my all, was like you literally standing in my face, telling me that I was never good enough for you." Nakia continued after she paused, "It's not so much the cheating, Justin. It's how you cheated." I raised a brow up in confusion as she ended her sentence.

"What do you mean?" I asked as she pulled her hand from mine and crossed her arms over her chest, leaning back on the chair in the process.

"Sometimes, I wish you would've just slept with her," My eyes widened in shock.

"What?" I asked, surprised.

"Justin, knowing that you were emotionally connected to this girl. . ."

"No, their were no emotions. . ."

"You said she was a comfort," she argued, "That's an emotion."

"She just. . .understood me." I quieted down as I realized what she was talking about.

"Exactly. She understood you. I didn't," She sighed and rubbed her face, "It hurt to know that I pushed you to the point where you couldn't find comfort in me. That you couldn't share something with me, but with somebody else."

"Kia. . ."

"Justin. . ." she mimicked, "It just felt like I lost my best friend that day. And it was all my fault." My heart crumbled as she spoke and I hated myself and everything I've done to her. She was the love of my life, yet I still manage to be a dick and screw things over.

"Nakia," I called softly as she looked up to face me, "You are one out of a few people in my life I can confide in. You are my best friend and I'd do anything for you. I'd die for you if it ever came to it. Jessica. . . she was nothing. A mistake. A huge, huge mistake. I know that no matter what I say, no matter how many things I buy, you'll never really let go of this. I don't blame you either. I admire you for putting up with me. I'm incredibly grateful to still have you with me."

"I'm sorry for scaring you." Nakia croaked as she tiredly rolled her head over to face me. I took her tiny hand in mine, careful not to touch the IV needles in her hand.

"It's okay, babe," I whisper as I kiss her cheek tenderly, "You're here with me now." She took in a deep breath. Her eyes closed and she gave my hand a squeeze.

"I don't know how much longer I can fight this," she confessed as I found myself crying again, "I love you, Jay." I sniffled and wiped my eyes.

"I love you too."

Stay With You

I smiled as Nakia breathlessly laughed as we talked about the pictures we were lazily going through. I decided that I needed to lighten up the mood of the hospital by remembering the fun of our past rather than mourning the arrival of our dreadful future. Well, my future. It felt weird to think of it like that, but I had to face the truth.

"Oh," Nakia cooed as her hands weakly ran over a photograph she was holding, "Josie." My eyes landed on the picture and I smiled. It was of Nakia and me, embracing a newborn Josephine in our arms. Kia's hair was matted to her head with sweat and my eyes were bagging down to my knees, but it was gorgeous. We were parents.

"You look so fine, girl." I teased as Nakia rolled her eyes and flipped to the next photograph. A catlike purr of content rumbled in her throat as she looked over the black and white photo.

"Do you remember this?" she asked softly as we stared at the frozen moment of time. It was a picture from our wedding day. We were dancing during the reception and the photographer caught us kissing in the middle of the floor. God, we're so in love.

"How could I forget it?" I countered, "Do you remember the song we were dancing to?" I raised a challenging brow toward her and she smirked.

" I will stay with you, through the ups and the downs, " Kia sung softly, " I will stay with you when no one else is around. . . " I listened carefully to the words she was singing and I smiled as the memory began to play in my mind, taking me right back to that very moment.

"Can I have this dance?" I whispered into her ear as I placed my chin on her shoulder. She giggled and turned to face me, her elegant gown flowing with her tiny spin.

"You most certainly can." I chuckled lightly as I pulled Nakia into my arms. She looked so beautiful. She was glowing and smiling like I've never seen before and I'm quite sure I looked the same way. It was our wedding day, for goodness sake. How could we not be happy? We found our soulmates.


We've been together for a while now
We're growing stronger every day now
It feels so good and there is no doubt
I will stay with you


I smiled and kissed Nakia's forehead tenderly as the song flowed through the room. The words reflected our relationship perfectly. It said how I felt for her so clearly and fit the theme of our vows. I loved this woman more than life itself. For years, I've dated and dated and dated. Got cheated on every time I thought they were the one, cried and moved on, praying things would be different the next time around. But now, my method of trial and error is unnecessary. Because I found her. The one for me.


As each morning brings the sunrise
And the flowers bloom in springtime
All my love you can rely
And I'll stay with you


"So," I whispered to her as I rested my hand on the small of her back, "How does it feel to be Mrs. Justin Timberlake?" Her hands caressed the back of my neck, twisted my curls aimlessly with her fingers.

"About as good as it feels to be Mr. Nakia Davis." We laughed lightly as I spun her around and brought her back against my chest.

"So you must feel grateful, blessed, joyful, lucky, delighted, ecstatic . . . "

"Complete." Nakia added as she stared intently into my eyes. I smiled softly and swayed back and forth with her in my arms.

"Complete." I repeated as I leaned and brushed my lips against hers.


Oh, I'll stay with you through the ups and the downs
Oh, I'll stay with you when no one else is around


That's when the camera went off and we were met by a collective 'aw'. Nakia and I laughed as we realized everyone had been staring at us with adoring eyes. She blushed and I kissed her temple.

"What?" I asked innocently, "Ya'll never seen two people in love before?" Everybody chuckled and Nakia slapped my chest playfully, her smile never leaving her lips.


And when the dark clouds arrive
I will stay by your side
I know we'll be alright


With me loving her as much as I do, you can image the devastation that ran over me when I can home to find an ambulance speeding out of my driveway, and JC holding a crying Josie in his arms.

"Oh my God, Justin. . ." he said as I noticed his tearing eyes, "I don't know what happened, but. . ." I tuned him out momentarily as my eyes searched my property for Nakia.

"Wait, man. Where's Kia?" JC swallowed as he looked down my driveway at the fleeting ambulance truck. Panic ran through my body.

"Josie called me and said she wasn't waking up," JC began to explain, "So, of course, I rush down here. Josie opens the door and I see Kia on the floor, knocked out cold. Josie told me she called 911. . ."

"What's wrong with her?" I interrupt as I search my pockets for my keys.

"I don't know," JC answered, "But they're taking her to Sinai." I finally found my missing keys. I turned to get back into my car.

"Can you stay with Josie?" I asked absentmindedly. JC nodded and I sped off without a second thought.


I will stay with you


When I got to the hospital, I was shot some looks of shock from some of the people. I was unaware of the fact that I was in a very public place without one of my bodyguards. That's usually a major no, no, but screw those damn rules.

"Nakia Davis?" I asked breathlessly as I stumbled my way over to the front desk.

"What was she in for?" the receptionist asked nonchalantly.

"I don't know," I answered, "She wouldn't wake up, so my daughter called 911. They were already leaving when I got there. I just want to know where she is so I can find out what's wrong with her. . ."

"Sir," the lady interrupted, "You're gonna have to give me a moment to check." A moment? Does she know what can happen in a moment?

"Okay, okay. . ." I took a deep breath before finding a chair across from her working station. I placed my head in my hands and said a silent prayer. Everything seemed to be sucking the life out of me as I sat there for all eternity. It was really three minutes, but with everything going on, time felt like it was standing still.

"Excuse me, Sir?" I stood and rushed over toward the nurse.

"Yeah?" I asked frantically, "Where is she? Is Kia alright?" The nurse gave me a sympathetic smile as she stood with me. I followed her like a lost puppy as she began to walk down a corridor.

"Nakia is in the radiology department." She said it like I was suppose to know what the hell she was talking about.

"Is she getting a x-ray or something?" I asked as we turned at a corner.

"A CAT scan," the nurse explained, "She had been complaining about a pain in her chest." I furrowed my brow in confusion.

"What kind of pain?" I asked.

"A sharp one." she answered bluntly as we reached a waiting area in the radiology department. I stood there as she walked over to the desk and spoke with someone behind the counter. A few seconds later, another nurse came out and offered me a handshake.

"Hello, sir. I'm Nancy." I politely shook her hand.

"Justin." She nodded and offered me a seat. We sat and she turned to face me.

"Well, Justin," she began, "Your wife told us she had been feeling this pain right below her chest." Nancy placed her hand on the area.

"What does that mean?" I asked.

"That's what we're trying to figure out at the moment," she explained, "The good news is that it might be a muscle cramp."

"What's the bad news?" I wanted to hear it and get it over with.

"During examination, Dr. Schultz felt a lump around that area." I nodded and followed along, "Based on the size and location, it could be cancerous." I sucked in a breath and cleared my throat.

"What are the chances that it is cancerous?" Nancy adjusted the ring on her finger.

"Fifty, fifty normally. But that can increase or decrease depending on the conditions your wife was under."

"Conditions?" I questioned.

"Her health in general," Nancy explained, "Diets, exercises. . ."

"Kia's a health nut," I interrupted, "Minus the chocolate addiction. . ." Nancy smiled softly.

"What about stress levels, Justin?" I looked down guiltily and bit my bottom lip. Stress was my middle name.


Though relationships can get old
They had a tendency to grow cold
We have something like miracle
Yeah, I'll stay with you


"There's been a lot of stress going on lately," I said evasively, "How much does that effect her?"

"Stress makes the body weaken because of rising blood pressure and it causes different chemicals in the body to go out of whack temporarily." I nodded, my heart swelling with guilt.

"When can I see her?" Nancy looked down at her watch then back at me.

"I'll have to check with Dr. Schultz." She stood and adjusted her scrubs.

"Thank you, Nancy." I sat back into my chair.

"You're welcome, Justin," She smiled, "I'll be right back." I nodded and watched as she sashayed her way down the hall. I waited for a while before Nancy got back and lead me to the room Nakia was in. She looked tired and Dr. Schultz facial expression was telling me everything I needed to know.

"I'm sorry, Ms. Davis, but the lump was cancerous." Nakia nodded and managed to keep her head up.

"What can I do?" Nakia asked as I intertwined our fingers. Dr. Schultz sighed.

"Fight it," he answered, "Radiation therapy, diets and exercises, all the medication we have to offer. Whatever method you're comfortable with." She nodded and sniffled. I licked my lips and looked up at the doctor.

"Are you sure it'll work?" I asked as I wrapped my arm around Nakia's shoulder.

"There's a good chance. But, Mr. Timberlake, there's no guarantees." Dr. Schultz explained, "It seems that the cancer has moved from the pancreas and is working its way toward the liver. If it reaches it, this may become irreversible." I bit my lip, not wanting to cry in front of them.

"We're not gonna let it. Whatever it takes to stop it, we're doing." I said with a strong determination, "Money isn't a problem. Just make sure my wife survives this."


And there will be heartaches and pains, yes it will
But through it all, we will remain


From that day on, I stuck to my word. Every treatment, no matter how painful it was, Nakia went through it. I was right by her side, rooting her on. I payed for the medications, the radiation, the hospital room, and everything else that came in the form of a bill. I spent thousands. But it wasn't enough. In the end, that son-of-bitch won out. It spread down to her liver, but I still wanted to keep going. Nakia, on the other hand, had different plans.

"Justin, I want to stop with the treatments." Nakia sighed as I rolled her down the hall in her wheel chair.

"What?" I asked as I guided her into her hospital suite. She slowly made her way to her bed, her fragile body sliding up onto the mattress.

"This is a waste of time." she complained. I placed her chair in the corner of the room and stood there in disbelief.

"You're kidding, right?" I questioned, rhetorically, "Since when is saving your life a waste of time?"

"Since it's not working," she answered curtly, "It's spreading, Jay." Her voice cracked as her eyes watered.

"We can still stop it." I said softly as I knelt down in front of her. She shook her head.

"Justin, when was the last time we spent the day with Josie?" I thought for a moment and realized that it didn't happen for a while.

"Since we found out you had cancer. We spent the day explaining everything to her." I answered. Nakia nodded and smiled softly.

"You see?" she questioned, "I miss our daughter, Justin. And if I'm gonna die. . ."

"Who said anything about dying?" I interrupted, "You're not gonna die." Nakia shot me a sympathetic look.

"What do you think is gonna happen? This cancer isn't gonna disappear, Justin." I didn't want to hear it.

"For someone as holy as you, you sure lack a lot of faith." I whined as I stood.

"I do have faith, honey," Kia said, "It doesn't mean I'm naive." I silently cursed myself as I felt my hot tears rolling down my cool cheeks. How could she say that? How could she not believe that something miraculous would happen and save her?

"Aren't you the one who always says God always looks after us? Wants us happy?" She nodded.

"Well, yeah, but he also works in mysterious ways." Kia told me.

"So what are you trying to say? That this is a good thing? That this damn cancer and this death of yours is for the greater good?" I was completely pissed off in the mist of my confusion.

"Maybe. . ." Kia sighed, "Maybe we were just a temporary thing, ya know? Maybe I was supposed to get to a certain level before someone else took over." I couldn't believe my ears.

"Are you crazy?" I snapped, "If we were supposed to be temporary, you would've left me when I cheated."

"Justin. . ."

"Kia," I interrupted, "I love you. I know that you and I are supposed to be together for the rest of our lives. . ."

"Exactly," Kia said suddenly, "'Til death do us part, Justin." Alright, she must still be drugged up from her medication because she was talking nonsense.

"You're still here, Kia!" I animatedly gestured my hands about the room, "Stop acting like you're already gone!"

"Will you stop it, Justin!?!" Nakia shouted, surprising the hell out of me, "Stop denying everything. Okay? I have cancer. I'm not going through with these treatments anymore, and I'm going to die, whether you like it or not." I stood quietly for a moment, soaking in her words.

"How could you just. . .accept this?" I asked innocently. She shrugged and wiped her tears away.

"How could I not?" she shot back, "This happening whether I accept it or deny it. Pretending like everything will be okay won't take this cancer away."

"I just can't imagine life without you," I confessed, "I can barely get through the day without you." I sat on the floor by her feet and looked up at her.

"I don't want to go, Justin." Nakia sighed, "I mean, I knew I was going to die one day, ya know? We all are. But I didn't think it would happen so soon. Especially like this."

"Then keep fighting." I plead.

"There's no point. I can feel myself slipping away." That line scared the shit out of me. She felt herself slipping away.

"Nakia please," I begged, "Let's try this for. . . a month. Just to see what happens."

"Somebody else needs those treatments more than I do." Kia said softly. I was almost tempted to roll my eyes at her selflessness. If there was ever a time to be selfish, this would be it.

"Stop worrying about everybody else. Do this for yourself." Nakia laughed suddenly, catching me off guard.

"If I was doing any of this for myself, Justin, I wouldn't have gone for treatment in the first place." I shot her a confused glance.

"What do you mean?"

"Why do you think this is so hard to deal with?" she questioned, "Because of me?" I didn't even know what to say to that.

"Well, I just assumed you wanted to live." I stated bitterly.

"I do, Justin. But the main reasons for that are my family and my friends." She sighed, "You guys are the reason why I get up in the morning. I live for ya'll."

"Then keep fighting this."

"Justin, I don't need to." Kia explained, "You have it, baby. You're gonna be fine." Was she kidding me?

"What?" I asked, "I can't even find my socks in the morning. How am I suppose to find my way for the rest of my life?"

"All your friends and family are there for you. . ."

"What about Josephine? What about her?" I whined, "She needs her mother." Nakia quieted down momentarily as she thought it over.

"Oh, Josie. . ." She breathed, "She's just four, Justin. She'll probably forget all of this."

"She won't forget you. What do you want me to tell her? That you just gave up?"

"I didn't give up, I'm being realistic." Kia argued, "I do want to be here. I want to live the rest of my life. Josie is going to grow up without me, and that hurts. It sucks to know that I'm not gonna be there for her graduations. That I won't be able to help her get ready for prom or give her advice about guys or make up or any of that stuff. I didn't choose this. I didn't choose to go bald because of these treatments. I didn't choose to struggle to walk two feet without losing my breath. I don't want this cancer and I sure as heck didn't choose to leave you and Josie behind."

"Okay." I said softly, "I'm sorry." I stood and embraced Nakia, allowing her to sob into my chest. I could feel my shirt becoming damp with her tears and I held her even tighter. That's when I started soaking things in. Searing everything into my memory so that I'd never forget.


And in the end I know that we'll find
Love so beautiful and divine


"Thank you." Nakia said softly as she kissed my lips softly. I kissed her back, tasting the saltiness of her tears, feeling the warmth of her soft mouth and loving every moment of it.


Everything will be fine
And I will stay with you
Through the end of time
I will stay with you

Let's Get Lifted Again

After Nakia told me she wanted to stop the treatments, we spent the day, once again, explaining to Josie and everybody else. They all understood, but Josie was angry with her for a while. Confused and shocked like I was, she turned away from Kia and claimed she didn't love her if she was choosing to die. It took a month, but Josie slowly but surely accepted her mother's decision, and we were grateful. I don't think Kia could've handled the stress Josie was causing her.

The rest of our time was spent with ups and downs. Nakia had her good days, when she wasn't as weak and could get out of bed without help. We enjoyed those good days, staying in and watching movies. We'd have some quality family time wrestling each other and talking about how our days went. In those moments, the reality of Nakia's illness disappeared. She was just Nakia again, happy and smiling like she always did.

But when the bad days came along, everybody felt it. There was a sadness that came over us. Nakia would stay in bed for a majority of the day. I'd cater to her every need. Food. Comfort. I even helped her go to the bathroom because she was too sick to get up on her own. I never realized how fragile she was until days like that came along. I always saw the strong, independent Nakia. This pale, dependent woman was a stranger to me.

I never said that though. It would break Kia's heart, I'm sure. She hated it. Those times where she'd shamefully call for me when she needed to bathe or get dressed. Her guilt was visible as well as her embarrassment. I understood. I couldn't imagine putting Nakia in my position. Having to serve her and put my career on hold. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret it. I'm not complaining. Nakia means the world to me, so an album can wait. But she didn't see it that way, she felt like I was giving up my life for her.

Yet, she fails to realize that she is my life. When we got married, I met it when I said for better or for worse and through sickness and in health. Besides, I owed it to her. She's forgiven me for the ultimate betrayal. When I got the flu, Nakia risked her own health to stay at home and baby me for three weeks. She does the same for Josie and everybody else in our lives. All she does is give and give, so I've decided to give back.

"Justin?" I looked up from the stove and smiled as Nakia pulled up a stool at the counter and sat.

"Mornin', babe," I greeted cheerfully, "Havin' a good one?" She nodded and grinned. Nakia's tiny arms stretched above her head and she yawned.

"Those pills are helping," she explained, "More red blood cells mean more energy." I chuckled lightly as she repeated the phrase from the commercial.

"Good, good," I said, "Since Josie's at Chris's house, we can have the day all to ourselves." I poured the eggs whites I had been scrambling into a plate and placed some wheat bread toast on the side of it. I picked it up and made my way over to Kia. After placing it in front of her, I strolled toward the fridge for some orange juice.

"What do you have planned for us?" Kia questioned, curiously. I smirked and grabbed a glass, filling to the brim. I sipped it down so it wouldn't spill over and placed the orange juice carton back into the fridge. I shrugged and placed the cup in front of Nakia. She thanked me and began to eat.

"I was thinking that we could just chill, ya know? Watch a lifetime movie." Nakia giggled.

"You hate those things." I grabbed the box of POPS cereal off the counter and began to munch on its contents.

"Yeah, but you don't," I said through a mouthful, "I love you enough to sit through it." Nakia smiled and licked her lips.

"Okay, sounds like fun," she agreed, "But I wanna play video games first." I laughed and kissed her cheek.

"That's my girl." Kia laughed and continued to eat. We talked here and there about miscellaneous things before we started our day. We took a walk for exercise. The dogs were happy about that and the weather was great. That lasted for an hour before we headed back home. After playing an intense game of Halo 2, we moved onto virtual golf. Nakia lost and I won, as usual. We settled for Chinese food as dinner that night. Nakia wanted to cook, but I would've felt guilty about letting her work over a hot stove.

Anyways, our relatively calm night ended with a lifetime movie. I rolled my eyes a million times at the rerun episode of "She's Too Young", but did get my heartstrings pulled a few times. Nakia headed upstairs afterwards to shower and I went up after her. As she showered, I waited in our bedroom, keeping an ear out for any tumbling noises. I knew that Nakia was having a good day, but the last thing I wanted was for her to hurt herself.

If you haven't noticed, I've become quite paranoid lately. Always checking that she's breathing in the middle of the night. Making sure she took all of her pills and did her exercises. I knew I could be a pain sometimes, but my heart's in the right place.

Nakia suddenly came into view as she emerged from the bathroom, wrapped in a towel. She removed the scarf that had been covering up her buzzed head. My eyes traveled down her glistening shoulders and followed the curves that formed her hips. They weren't as full as they were before. During the treatments, Nakia lost a lot of weight. I noticed that her once cushioned joints, stuck out more. She gained some back these pass few weeks, but she's not the same.

But her beauty hasn't changed. Even though she loss all of her long, black hair, she wore her short cut beautifully. She was extremely self-conscious about it though, only revealing her head behind close doors to me and Josie. No matter how many times we've assured her of the beauty she had, she still hated her appearance. I liked her hair though. The way it bristled when I ran my hand over it tickled my finger tips.

"What?" I heard Nakia say with a smile as she rubbed her lotion over her arms. I breathed in the intoxicating scent of freesia and smiled.

"A guy can't check out his beautiful wife?" She blushed and turned her back to me.

"I guess," she mumbled and I could sense her sadness. She didn't believe me.

"You're gorgeous, Kia," I assured, "Don't doubt that." I was met by a sigh before she faced me with a roll of her eyes.

"You're my husband, you're suppose to say that." I tilted my head to the side and gave her a sympathetic look.

"If I wasn't your husband, I'd still be like 'Damn, who's that fine piece of mama over there?'" She laughed and walked over to the bed. I watched as she untied her towel, allowing it to fall to the floor. Her hands gently picked up the silk night gown I had laid out for her. She paused her movements as my hand reached out and took the piece of clothing from her hands. As I stood, my eyes traveled up her body, smelling that soap and lotion that had been on her skin.

I wanted her. I've been wanting her for months, but with everything going on, sex wasn't even an option. So, why am I standing here, slipping this night gown over her head and down her body, purposely touching her skin at any chance I can get? Because it's a good day.

"Justin?" Nakia breathed as my hands rested on her hips, pulling her closer to me. I didn't respond, instead, I kissed her gently. She returned it softly as I carefully removed one hand from her side and placed it on her cheek. Her arms wrapped around my waist and I deepened the kiss.


Ooh ooh-ooh...oh
Come and go with me
There's so much new to see


Even if this doesn't go anywhere, kissing her is more than enough. It was perfect. Beautiful. Full of love. Everything Nakia.


Get high with me
Come fly with me


I felt Nakia's small hands rest on my stomach. She gripped the material of my t-shirt and pulled it upward. I broke our kiss momentarily to help her remove it. I had to fight off the primitive urge to tackle her to the bed, like I had done so many times before.

"Are you sure?" I asked worriedly.

"Justin, we haven't touched each other in months," Nakia pointed, "If I was going to be sure of anything, it would be this." I let out an exaggerated sigh and kissed her neck.

"Thank God," I said between kisses, "'Cause I'm starting to become immune to cold showers." She giggled and crawled into the bed. I watched as her hips swaggered during her cat-like prowl across the mattress.

"C'mon, Jay," Nakia called playfully, "I can't do this by myself." I laughed and joined her on the bed. I hovered over her tiny frame and grinned.

"You actually could, ya know." I teased, "I wouldn't mind watching." Kia rolled her eyes and smiled.

"I do something once for your birthday and I never hear the end of it." Kia complained, jokingly. I chuckled and kissed her tenderly.


Ooh I want you so
I'm about to lose control


When I felt her hand make its way inside of my boxers, I nearly fell over. Nakia's free hand pressed against my chest and I flipped onto my back as she crawled on top of me. Her hands ran over my abs slowly as she stared at my body curiously as if she hadn't seen it before. I could feel the elastic ban of my boxers being peeled away from my waist by her small fingers and dragged down my legs.


Get high with me
Come fly with me...ooh...


Before I had a chance to protest, Kia's mouth was on me. I took in a breath as the warm wetness of her tongue swirled around me, arousing me more and more. My hands subconsciously rested on her head, moving up and down with her movements. She suddenly stopped and sat up. I watched as she removed her night gown and revealed her naked flesh again.


So much...
So much I wanna show you


I raised myself upward and gripped her waist, pulling her up to me. Her knees rested on either side of me and she moaned when my mouth cupped her breast. My hand began to knead her and she panted softly. I wasn't the type to rush, but I needed her.


Hey...so much...ooh
So much I wanna show you


Nakia lifted herself up momentarily, allowing me to adjust myself inside of her. When our bodies finally connected, the heat from her caught me by surprise. Going months without physical intimacy strengthened the sensation that vibrated through my body in that instant. It felt like it was the first time all over again.


Ooh...
Get high with me
Come fly me


That night was wonderful. Beautiful. Fantastic. Indescribable. It took two months before we made love again, and that was the last time. Kia's body had broken down two weeks later. That's why I'm in this hospital now. The cancer came back stronger than ever and literally knocked the wind out of her.

At first, the transition from home to being permanently hospitalized was quite difficult for us. For obvious reasons. Nakia wouldn't sleep because she was so uncomfortable. But eventually, she became accustom to her surroundings and embraced the doctors and nurses that walked by everyday and greeted her.

I didn't.

Don't get me wrong, Nancy's been great. But sometimes I feel like they're mocking me, ya know? When they come up the hall, all smiles, and have the audacity to ask you how you're feeling. What the hell do they think I'm feeling? I'm crushed. I'm dying inside. My wife is slipping away from me.

But I don't say that, of course. I smile and say I'm hanging in there. They're satisfied with my answer and move on to their next victim. I mean, patient. I know, I'm bitter. Some part of me still believes that those doctors could've tried a bit harder to help her.

Didn't they see how desperate I was? I even tried to bribe the doctors to move her up on the liver transplant list, but they refused. They claimed that they couldn't get a donor that quick, even with the money. Nakia wouldn't have lived long enough to see her liver, so that plan was out for us.

It's been a year though. The doctors gave her three months when we first entered the hospital. They were all convinced that she wasn't strong enough to fight this cancer. But they don't know my Kia. That's why she's still here.

"Justin. . ." I became fully alert as I turned my attention to Nakia. I got up from the windowsill I had been sitting on and strolled over to her bedside.

"What's up?" I asked softly, "You thirsty?" She shook her head and rested her hand on top of mine. I took that as a sign of her wanting me closer so I sat in the chair I had pulled up earlier.

"I was just thinking," Kia began, ". . .about that time when we went to Six Flags. Remember how I lost my cell phone when we were riding on Nitro?" I chuckled and nodded as the memory flooded my brain.

"How could I forget?" I questioned, "You were freaking out." She chuckled and smiled softly.

"You had on this orange t-shirt and these green cargo pants that I hate." I smiled.

"I still don't know why," I complained, "They were cute." Nakia wrinkled her nose.

"To a blind man," she mumbled, "But you looked so wonderful in them."

"Is that what you were thinking about all that time?" I laughed. She smirked and shrugged.

"I don't know. I was staring at you and that popped into my head for some reason."

"Staring at me?" I asked, jokingly, "Damn, do I look that good?" Kia rolled her eyes playfully and sighed.

"I guess I'm just taking you all in." she admitted. We sat there in an awkward silence. Our playful conversation took a turn into something depressive as I realized that this might be the last time I see her too.

"I know what you mean," I told her, "I've been taking you all in for months now." Her tired eyes scanned over my face momentarily before she gripped my hand.

"I'm scared." Kia whimpered as her eyes clouded over with tears, "At first, I was kinda okay with things, but I'm so close now. . ." I didn't know what to tell her. How can you comfort someone who's afraid of dying when you're just as scared as they are?

"Heaven's nice, right?" I stated innocently, "Angels and stuff live there, not to mention the big man himself." She sniffled and wiped her eyes.

"I guess," she breathed, "But I like the heaven down here. Our family and friends. Josie. You and me. This is the heaven that I want." I could hear the desperate yearning in her tone and my own heart began to swell with the same desire.

"Kia, you have to take things the way they are. Things happen for a reason." I said, finding myself regurgitating her words.

"You try dying." Nakia hissed as she pulled her blanket over her shoulders, slowly turning so that her back was to me.

"Kia. . ." I began.

"Can you give some time to be alone?" I felt as though she had punched me in my chest. Ever since we came into this hospital, she wanted nothing but me by her side.

"Nakia. . ." I began, only to be interrupted a second time.

"Justin," Kia said, "Please. Just a few minutes alone." I furrowed my brows, ready to fight her on this, but decided against it. The last thing I wanted was for her to upset herself.

So, I did what she asked of me. I got up and left.

So High

Baby since the day you came into my life
You made me realize that we were born to fly


You know what hurts the most? These constant states of panic that I'm in whenever I leave Nakia's room. Even when I go to eat or pick up Josie, I'm always worrying that I'll walk in there and Nancy will have this sorry look across her face, saying that Nakia passed while I was out. Then I'd scream a disbelieving 'no' before scurrying over to her bed, only to find it empty. A clean sheet and pillow lying where her body once laid.

That's why it stung so much when Nakia asked me to leave. Twice. I feel like we fought or something. But it wasn't really an argument, was it? Oh my goodness, what if it was? What if she dies while I'm gone? She'll hate me forever. . .

No, no, no. I'm being irrational, right? She loves me. I know she does. We could have the biggest argument ever and she'd still love me.

Then why am I so worried? I think I'm having a panic attack. The air's too thin. I can barely stand. Not that I need to, I am sitting on this hospital chair outside of Kia's door. Yeah, I stayed right there and I'm freaking out. Can you blame me? I can still hear that eerie code blue signal in my head, telling me that Kia's gonna die. My heart quickens at the memory before I realize that it's only a passing thought.

And to make matters worse, I've been talking to myself. I don't know why though. I have people to talk to, ya know? But they just don't. . . get it.

This pain I'm feeling comes from so many levels. Family-wise, I've got Josie and parents. Friendship-wise, I've got Trace and Rebecca, Kia's best friend. But what about the marital aspect of things? Who do I have for that? Nobody I know can truly say they know how I feel. Well, my grandpa would've, but he passed away last year. I think the death of my grandma broke his heart, literally. He had a heart attack after coming home from visiting her grave. It was a depressing time, but Kia helped me through it.

But who's gonna help me get past this?


You showed me everyday new possibilities
You proved my fantasies of love could really be


Another depressing part of me believes that I'll follow in my gramps's footsteps. It's a scary thought, but sometimes I wish that I would die, just so I could be with Kia. I never actually tried anything, but there were times where I thought about how many pills it would take to cause some damage or how long it would take for me to drown if I stayed submerged in the water long enough. As soon as these things entered my mind, I would tell my mother. She'd say it was somewhat normal and that grandpa went through the same thing. But if I'm feeling this way now, what the hell am I going to do when everything really falls apart?


Let's go to a place only lovers go
To a spot that we've never known
To the top of the clouds, we're floating away and. . .


Do you see what Kia does to me? I've never put a girl first before. It was always my family, career, and then the girl. But now, it's like she comes before breathing. Maybe I am losing my mind. It's a comforting thought because it explains so much, but I know I'm not crazy, yet. I still have time to lose my marbles. I'm not intentionally trying to, but if it happens, what can I do? I know Josie will be taken care of. Nakia wouldn't have to worry about it and the asylum I'll be put in will take care of me. So, no worries, right?


Ooh this feels so crazy
Oh this love is blazing
Baby we're so high
Walking on cloud 9


I love her too much. But she's my world. My everything. So, when she goes, everything that ever had meaning becomes insignificant. It's not my fault that she completes me. It's not my fault that the thought of never seeing her again tears me apart. It's not my fault that I'll never love again. Ever .

Her love could never be replaced. What we have can never be felt again. Nobody on the face of this earth could love me the way she did. I'll never be able to let myself go again.

I'd rather die a terrible death than to betray Nakia like that.


(You've got me up so high) So high
(My shoes are scraping the sky) So high
(You've got me up so high) Oh
(My shoes are scraping the sky)


You don't know what living is until you've been loved the way that I have. Until you've met a human being that makes you feel like you could walk on water with them by your side. You don't even know what love is until you're willing to sacrifice yourself and everything you own for that person.


Maybe later we can go up to the moon
Or sail among the stars before the night is through


Nakia and I used to play this game. We'd try to express our love to each in one word. I know it sounds cheesy, and it was. But it was great. To express your love for someone in so many words was beautiful. Nakia's favorite word was complete. She told me that I made her whole and I said that without her, I'm nothing. And I'm not. I feel like less than half the man I used to be now that she's slipping away. It feels like I'm made of dust and every passing day blows a part of me into oblivion.

I used to think that it was the hospital that was making her ill. You know how hospitals creep you out? The spotless everything and the too happy for their own good doctors that seem to have super glued their fake smiles to their faces like warped clowns. It made me sick. I couldn't imagine what Kia was feeling as she was probed and poked by those freaks. So, I'd take her out at night. We'd sit outside and get some fresh air. We'd avoid the topic of her treatments, trying to place some normalcy into our conversation by talking about Josie and the album I had been working on.


And when morning comes we'll see the sun is not so far
And we can't get much closer to God than where we are


I guess that's what I'll miss the most. Our conversations. We kinda knew what the other was feeling. I'd say that my day sucked and she could tell if I got into an argument with Trace or couldn't figure out a lyric for one of my songs. She could read my mind. I loved it. With Nakia, there was no beating around the bush. No bullshit, just the point. She was a female version of me on some levels. Always stubborn and determined. Never putting down her beliefs for the sake of another.

Perfect is the only way to describe what she was for me. What she is for me.


We'll go to a place only lovers go
To a spot that we've never known
To the top of the clouds we're floating away


That's another thing I've been doing. Every time I speak about Kia, I use past tense. When I catch myself talking like that, I mentally kick my ass. It feels like I'm pushing for her to die and in my mind, it's like everybody notices. Trace heard me say that I missed Nakia once. He gave me a weird look before nodding and saying that I meant I missed the old her. I did, but that wasn't what I was talking about. I meant that I miss her because I was out with Josie that evening. All this sadness filled me as I realized that past tense will one day be the only way to talk about her.


Ooh this feels so crazy
Oh this love is blazing
Baby we're so high
Walking on cloud 9


Whenever I try not to think about the future, the thought consumes me even more. Life without Nakia? The sound of it is foolish enough, let alone the reality of it. I said I'd still love her and be with her 'til death do us part. Not just her, not just me, but us. That's why this is so unfair. How dare this cancer come along and take a part of me, leaving the other half to bleed? To think, this microorganism just decides to implant its murderous self inside of my wife, killing her slowly and painfully without another thought.

But what about God? Where the hell is He? I thought He was the savior of all things. Mister all good and holy, call me if you need me. I've been calling for months now, asking Him to heal Kia for me or hold His master plan of death off until Josie grows up. But I guess He's so busy forgiving murders and rapists, that He can't return my calls.

I used to go to church with Kia every Sunday. I prayed with her and Josie on either side of me. I really fell for all the gospels and their teachings. But it was crap. All of that shit was bull. God didn't care about us. He didn't protect us and heal us. He doesn't have your back even if you follow every fucking rule He's ever laid down.

Kia did everything right. She saved herself for marriage. She forgives the unforgivable. She loved everybody and everything, even the men that called her a prude when she refused to have sex with them. Even the fan of mine that called her an average bitch that didn't deserve me. She loved me when I cheated. Kia has used profanity twice in her life (all in the same argument), she doesn't eat pork, she obeys her parents, and is the most selfless human being you could imagine.

But it wasn't enough for Him.

"Shit. . ." I grumbled tiredly as the steady ringing of my cell phone knocked me out of my thoughts. JC's number popped up on my caller id before I accepted the call.

"Hi, daddy," Josie's bubbly voice instantly filled my ears and I perked up.

"Hey, baby," I cooed, my daddy tone in full swing, "What's up?" I could tell she was shrugging, despite the fact that I couldn't see her.

"Nothing," she answered, "Me and Uncle Joshy are going to get some ice cream." I smiled and stood, walking over to the glass window on the outside of Kia's room.

"That's great, baby. I must say, I'm jealous." Josie giggled that carefree laugh that her and her mother share.

"You can have some if you want," she offered, "We can bring some for you and mommy." The thought of ice cream and joking around like we used to came to mind, but I realized that Kia was fast asleep.

"Nah, that's cool, baby girl," I said, "Mommy's sleeping and I think I'm ready for a nap too." She whimpered and sighed disappointedly.

"Okay," she whined, "But are you coming home?" The excitement in her tone caused a guilty knot to form in the pit of my stomach.

"Not tonight," I informed her, "Mommy's having a bad day, so I think I should stay with her."

"Is she really, really sick?" Josie asked softly, the sadness, I was sure, was on her face in the form of a pout.

"She's just having a hard time. . ." I struggled to explain, not wanting to confuse her with the jumbled thoughts running through my head.

"It's okay, daddy," Josie interrupted, "I miss you." I pressed my forehead against the glass and frowned as my eyes drooped down tiredly.

"I miss you too, Josie." I could hear JC's muffled voice in the background as I waited for a response.

"Uncle Joshy wants to talk to you." Josie said before JC's voice took over.

"What's up, man?" he asked, worriedly. I furrowed my brows quickly as I sternly spoke.

"Are you driving?" I questioned. It was his cell phone number that flashed across the screen when I got the call. He knew I hated it when someone drove and spoke on their cell while Josie was in the car. I never did that, in fear that I might lose focus and get into an accident with her.

JC quickly dismissed my question, "No, man. We're at Dairy Queen," he explained, "But what's with Kia's bad day?" I sighed and rolled my eyes, not really wanting to bring up our previous conversation.

"She freaked out about dying and got angry when I told it wasn't that bad," I paused as Kia's hurtful words rang through my ears, "She kicked me out." I could hear JC's shocked gasp and my cheeks burned with embarrassment.

"Was it like a 'Get out!' or a 'Leave me alone'?" I shrugged and smiled when I realized Josie and I shared this habit.

"More like the latter," I confessed, "She said she wanted some alone time, so I sat outside her door until she fell asleep."

"She was probably praying or something," JC comforted, "You know how she gets when she's 'one with the Lord'." As he quoted Kia, my bitter resentment toward God returned momentarily as I turned away from her window and faced the stark white wall of the hallway.

"Yeah, I guess it was something like that." My tone was far from convincing, but I was too tired to put up my front any longer.

"I'm sure she's not mad, Justin," JC continued, "She must be upset with everything that's going on. You gotta put yourself in her shoes." I licked my drying lips as I wearily collapsed in the chair I had been sitting on before. Putting myself in Kia's place was the one thing I would do. But it was impossible, no matter how badly I wanted to do it.

"I would if I could, man," I stated earnestly, "I really wish I could."

Refuge (When It's Cold Outside)

Kia was my support unit through many things. She told me that I could do something, even when the world doubted me. Even when I doubted myself. Take my acting for instance. I wasn't exactly being raved about when I released Alpha Dog and Edison . Everybody told me I would suck and that I should stick to singing and dancing. But Kia told me that they were haters that I didn't need to pay attention to. She encouraged me to promote the movie with my cast and crew. So, I did.

The movies were blockbusters.


I pray for better days to come
I pray that I would see the sun
Cuz life is so burdensome
When everyday's a rainy one


Another doubtful period of time was my decision to make another 'Nsync album. I had been battling over that for five years before I finally did it. Believe me, I didn't want to. Nobody did. Even some of my fans begged me not to do it. It would be career suicide, is what they'd say. That the 'Nsync days were over and another solo album was what I needed. But Kia wasn't having that.


But suddenly there's no more clouds
I believe without a doubt
That heaven sent an angel down
And then she turned my life around


"You have to do this album, Justin." Kia stated softly as she fixed the bed. I rolled my eyes as I continued to shave.

"It's not a good idea, Kia," I began, "It's career suicide." I could hear Nakia groan loudly. The frustration in her tone has mounted. We've been having this discussion for weeks now.

"You're only saying that because everybody else is saying that," she said, "You're becoming their puppet." I turned my face sharply to argue but hissed in pain when the blade cut into my skin.

"No, I'm not," I protested as I moved closer to the mirror to inspect the damage, "And thanks for making me bleed." As soon as the words left my mouth, I could hear Kia's pacing feet coming toward me.

"Bleeding?" she questioned as she walked over to the towel rack and grabbed a washcloth.

"Yeah, right here," I said, pointing to the injured area, "It's not stopping either." Her small frame waddled toward the sink. She pushed me aside and instructed me to sit down on the toilet. I watched as she wet the cloth and opened the medicine cabinet.

"I don't think you're being considerate," she told me, already beginning her rant, "You're not the only one whose career is a part of this." When I saw her pull out the rubbing alcohol bottle and pour some of it onto the towel, I cringed. I could already feel the sting.

"Not to sound like a cocky bastard or anything, but I'm the one with the most success. If this album flops, I'm ruined. I won't get anymore respect." Kia rolled her eyes and came toward me. She sat on one of the small chairs near the toilet and gently turned my head to start cleaning the cut.

"Justin, these aren't just people you're working with. They're practically your brothers. Stop being so selfish." She wiped the alcohol cloth across the cut and I took in a breath. She blew on it softly and it eased the burn.

"I'm not being selfish," I argued.

"You just said that you're the most successful and that you're gonna lose the respect. Your main concern is you." Kia pointed out.

"Sometimes you have to be a little selfish in this business to succeed." I took the towel from her hand and stood. I walked over to the sink and washed off the cloth. As the silence loomed in the room, I rinsed the rest of the shaving cream off of my face when I finished shaving. Kia still sat there, her eyes burning a hole into the back of my head.

"You are unbelievable," Kia stated, disappointedly, "These guys got you to where you are. They support your every decision and they never ever doubted you. But when the time comes for you to do the same, you're suddenly too good for it." I looked down and licked my lips.

She definitely had a point.

"But if I fail, then what?" Kia shrugged.

"Then you fail," she stated bluntly, "But you show everybody that you cared enough to try. That you're a man of your word. I mean, you promised 'Nsync would work on something again." I sighed as I took a seat back in front of her.

"I do like the lyrics we've been working on." Nakia smiled softly, her eyes shining brightly with anticipation, "Okay, I'll try." She yelped and giggled lightly.

"I'm so proud of you." she announced before her lips came crashing down on mine. I accepted the kiss and returned it. To this day, I'm grateful that I listened to her.

That album went triple platinum.


You know and I know
Friends come and friends go
Storms rise and winds blow
But one thing I know for sure


It wasn't a smooth ride though. Recording it was a headache all by itself. We couldn't agree on anything. The time apart made us all crabby and stubborn. Compromise wasn't even in our vocabulary anymore.

"JC, all I'm saying is that masturbate isn't something that I wanna sing." Chris stated as JC rolled his eyes.

"It rhymes! Late, masturbate!" Joey raised a brow and I snickered.

"How about it's sick, you stupid dick?" Chris countered. Lance chuckled as well as Joey. I tried to stifle my laugh, but failed miserably.

"I don't know what you're laughing about, Timberlake," JC said suddenly, "You're out of this world, except you're not green? Who writes that?" I narrowed my eyes and sneered.

"At least I don't write about how I get off because my girl won't give me some." Everybody 'oh'ed and JC flipped me off.

"For your information, Eva gives me it all the time," JC argued, "At least I don't have to put a ring on her finger to get it."

"Excuse my wife for respecting herself," I said, "Unlike some people." All the guys looked at me and I realized they all were having sex with their current girlfriends. Or in Joey's case, had sex before marriage.

"Are you trying to say my wife doesn't respect herself?" Joey questioned.

"I was talking to JC," I explained, "Besides, this is about this damn album, not our relationships."

"Fine, but I don't want to change the lyrics," JC whined, "We either leave it like that, or don't use it."

"All in favor of losing this song, say 'I'" Chris asked.

"I!" We said in unison. JC pouted and swivelled in his chair.

"You guys suck. I'm gonna go home. I'm tired." JC got off of his chair and we all stared at him in shock.

"Dude, it's 8:30, where do you think you're going?" Lance asked.

"We've been here since nine this morning, and I'm exhausted." With that being said, he turned around and left. As time went on, everybody began to go their separate ways, leaving Chris and me to fend for ourselves.

"You wanna call it a night?" I asked, my pen tapping the empty page of my song book. Chris shrugged and sighed.

"We might as well. Everybody else did."


When it's cold outside
There's no need to worry cuz
I'm so warm inside
You give me peace
When the storm's outside
Cuz we're in love I know
It'll be alright
Alright, it's alright


It took us a year, but we finally got it out. I was nervous as hell as we sat in Jive Record's meeting room. The 'Nsync guys, our managers and publicists, and everybody else involved in this record sat anxiously as we wanted for the number of record sales we had for our first week. I felt a lot of hostility being directed at my bandmates coming from some of the people in the room, as if they were saying 'You better not screw Justin up'. I felt really terrible when I realized that I was one of them.

But when news came that we were number one and broke our own record of the most album sales in a week by 500,000 copies, everybody was hysterical. We did what nobody believed we could. I couldn't imagine not being in that room and having that moment with the guys again. The rush of adrenaline and the pride that filled us all.

But I should've known that it was a temporary joy.


Now peace is so hard to find
We're terrorized and victimized


With 'Nsync being the hottest thing out there, we were wanted everywhere. London. New York. Australia. France. Everybody wanted a piece of us. Paparazzi were on our asses even more and suddenly, Us Weekly couldn't go a week without one of our faces on their covers. They were tearing us apart. Saying things about our relationships, claiming that we all hated each other and were having contract negotiations. It hurt that my family was being attacked also. Nakia went shopping with Josie one afternoon and was hounded by a group of them. Josie was scarred for life, but Nakia was somewhat used to them and handled it well.

Nakia seemed better equipped to deal with things than I was at the time. She helped me get passed all the shit that was happening. It was quite a relief to hear her laugh about the latest rumor of me hooking up with some random chick in a club while I was in Germany. Her faith in me helped get me through the drama.


But that's when I close my eyes
And think of you to ease my mind


Even days when I was at home and still stressing about where to go next, she comforted me. Through all the interviews and live performances, knowing she was watching, at home or in the audience, was all I needed.


You take me to another place
There's no more war (no more war)
Just love and grace
Baby you restore my faith
I know the struggle's not in vain


Now the tables have turned. I'm suddenly the supporter as Kia fights her battles. I'm the one who has to hold her hand through it all and make jokes to get her mind off things. Even if the reality of it all doesn't completely disappear, a second away from the drama is more than enough. It's like putting alcohol on a cut. It stings like hell when it's first applied, but a simple blow, if only for a moment, takes the burn away.


You know and I know
Through all the battles
Baghdad to Israel
There's one thing I know for sure


Things have progressively gotten worse. Over the last five days, Nakia has suffered through kidney failure. They placed a catheter in her and she's even more antisocial. The embarrassment she said she was going through was an addition to her pain.

"I can't even pee anymore," she complained, "This cancer isn't playing around, is it?" She laughed lightly, trying to hide her true feelings of sadness. It was all in her eyes though. I saw right through her. But I nodded and took her hand, hoping to give her a form of comfort. It didn't take long for her to fall asleep again, only to wake up five minutes later.

"You have to rest, babe," I told her, "Sleep is what you need." Her eyes closed as my hand ran over her smooth skin. She took in a deep breath before exhaling.

"Justin. . ." She took in another breath, practically wheezing. My heart jumped as my panic ran over me.

"What's wrong, Kia?" Before I could blink, her snoring filled my ears. I smiled and breathed a sigh of relief.


When it's cold outside
There's no need to worry cuz
I'm so warm inside
You give me peace
When the storm's outside
Cuz we're in love I know
It'll be alright
Alright, it's alright


She's been doing that lately. Falling asleep mid-sentence. Talking is becoming a form of exercise for her. Her energy levels haven't been their highest in a while, but they've plummeted over the last few weeks. Tears me apart to see this listless side of her. To watch her struggle to lift her hand when she used to do cartwheels, literally, when she played with Josie. To know that I'll never be able to make love to her again, hold her in my arms as we swing on our back porch, laugh as she attempts to do some of my dance moves. . .


Cuz you give me peace
In the middle of the storm
When it's cold, you're keeping me warm


I wish I was still in my stages of denial rather than acceptance. Lying to myself seemed to ease my pain, but the harsh reality in front of me now. . . It's too much for me to handle. Last night, I slept at home. Kia begged me to spend time with Josie and I agreed to. It's what she wanted and I'd do anything for her. Josie and I talked about living with JC and Eva. Ate ice cream and I gave her a bubble bath. After tucking her in and kissing her goodnight, I decided to bathe myself. It had been a long time since I took a bath. Showers were more convenient.

But anyway, the warm, candlelight bath was a stress reliever. I got dried up and put on my boxers. My tired body slipped into the Egyptian cotton sheets and my head sunk into the coolness of the plush pillows. But when I reached over, in search of a familiar body, I ended up empty handed. It was a slap in the face. Kia was in the hospital, but I had lead myself to believe, in that moment of time, that things were normal. And it felt great. I guess what they say is true: Ignorance is bliss.


I'm never gonna leave
You give me what I need
It's alright, alright


Being in this hospital again was a cold and hurtful feeling. My helplessness settled comfortably on my heavy mind and my heart sank as I took in Kia's pale body. But this was my life. What I looked forward to every day was bad news and tabloids. Yet, I still tried to live through it.

Just for Kia.

It Don't Have To Change

Oh do you remember (ooh)
When the family was everything? (ooh)
Oh do you remember? (ooh)


It seems like an eternity, but it was only two years ago when Kia and I spent Christmas down home in Millington, Tennessee. The snow was falling, the family, mines and hers, was all together. If you wanted to see what Christmas was supposed to be like, you should've been there. I mean that we had cocoa, presents, cobblers and turkey. It was right out of those cheesy movies, especially with the horrific snowman and reindeer sweaters we were all rocking.

I can still smell the cinnamon in the air and hear the laughter. Kia and I would always start off the dancing. It was The Ojays' "She Used to Be My Girl" that got us pumped up and ready. All I did was move my skinny hips to the beat and offer her my hand. She took it and we were off. Everybody would clap and slowly, but surely, join us on the living room floor.


It was so long ago and so much has changed (ooh)
I wanna go back (go back . . . ooh)
Wanna go back to those simple days (ooh)


Life was so much easier then. It was a time where everybody thought There's always tomorrow. . . . But I know better now. I feel somewhat guilty for not cherishing those moments just a little bit more. For not remembering every inside joke me and Kia shared in whispers at the dining room table.


I wanna go back (go back . . . ooh)


"Justin Randall, get your sticky fingers out of my cobbler!" I laughed as my nana swatted my hand away from the counter. I sucked the gooey peach filling off of my finger before planting a kiss on her cheek.

"It's so good though, Grams." She looked at me through the corner of her eyes and smiled at me. I grinned, happy that I got away with that, as I walked over to Kia. For a minute, I stood behind her and watched as she placed the dinner rolls on a baking pan. Her small hands delicately laid them out, making sure there was enough space between them so that they wouldn't form a gigantic blob when they expanded.

"If you're not helping, you're in the way." I smiled, surprised that she noticed my presence without me saying a word.

"How'd you know I was behind you?" I asked as I wrapped my arms around her and bent down to place my chin on her shoulder. I could hear her take in a deep breath.

"I could smell your cologne," she answered, "What is that? Essence of Sexy?" I chuckled and tried to stop the blush from forming on my cheeks. My lips gently grazed her ear.

"Take away the 'y'." My hands grabbed her ass, eliciting a tiny yelp from her. As I briskly walked away, my mother shot me a knowing look. I offered a wink and she rolled her eyes, causing me to laugh.


Times is hard (times is hard)
And things are a changin'


It's funny how things change. You blink and your perfect life, well, semi-perfect life, is instantly taken away from you.


I pray to God
That we can remain the same
All I'm trying to say is our love don't have to change
No it don't have to change


Laughter. That's what's been missing. I used to laugh all the time. Especially on that glorious Christmas Day. According to Josie, it was the best Christmas ever. It was the last one before Nana died. It was the last one before gramps died. It was the last one before all this shit with Kia happened. It was a blessing that I had that Christmas off. I really do think God planned it. With everything falling into place the way it did, somebody had to be helping it along.


Do you remember (ooh)
Back at Grannie's house on Christmas Day? (ooh)
Help me sing . . .
Do you remember (ooh)
How we'd gather 'round and sing all day? (ooh)


It was also the first time Josie was confident enough to sing for us. She had been so nervous about things. Granted, she wasn't Alicia Keys, yet, her voice was still great. She had apparently gotten that gene from me because Kia couldn't sing if her life. . . Nevermind.

Anyway, Josie decided to sing "Last Christmas.” With her red and green dress on, Mary Janes adorning her tiny feet, she stood in front of the tree. Everybody was sitting in front of her, all smiles and cheers. Her cheeks were rosy and her shy smile made her ten times cuter than normal. As her hands nervously ran down her dress, she cleared her throat and looked over at me.

"This is for daddy," she mumbled, "Because he gave me a hundred dollars to do this." Everybody laughed and Kia poked my side.

"I thought you talked to her," she smiled, "You bribed her?" I laughed, guilty as charged.

"I talked to her and then I gave her the money," I explained, "You know, just to seal the deal." Everybody laughed again and Josie began to sing.

"Last Christmas. . ." she began slowly, "I gave you my heart. . ." She paused, her nervousness coming over her.

". . . But the very next day you took it away. . . " my dad, Paul, added on as everybody began to clap out the beat.

" This year, to save me from tears, " Josie cut in, " I'll give it to someone special ." Before I knew it, Kia joined in and I was singing at the top of my lungs. Johnathan and Steve added a few lyrics and the whole family was singing in full swing by the time the second verse was on.


I wanna go back (go back . . . ooh)
To playing basketball and football games
I wanna go back (go back . . . ooh)
To yesterday but it's not the same


I do wanna go back to that time. A place where I thought, we were invincible. I have foundations that fund treatments and give toys to children with cancer. I've donated to cancer related charities, in hopes that one day a cure would be found to heal all people. It was a naive thought. To think, we all acknowledge our world's problems. Some give money, others time, to help the cause. But we never truly give a damn about it until we're right in the middle of all the drama. All the pain. All the hopelessness.

Nothing really matters until it affects us directly.


Times is hard (times is hard)
And things are a changin'
I pray to God
That we can remain the same
All I'm trying to say is our love don't have to change
No it don't have to change


And as I sit here, reminiscing about the good old days, I realize just how heartless I was. I threw a couple of thousands at a cancer patient's family and wished them luck when money wasn't even an obstacle. Illness doesn't care about social status, or gender. Relationships or previous engagements. Love or pain. It's blind and deaf, all it cares about is taking something over and never leaving until the person deteriorates.

I wish it had chosen someone else though. Maybe Saddam Hussein or a pedophile. You know, the evil, cold, and uncaring bastards of the world. It sounds harsh, but if I could move this cancer to my worst enemy, I would. Heaven knows that Kia would smack me if she ever heard me say that, but I'm just being honest. This whole thing isn't fair. None of it.

Kia just doesn't deserve this. Josie doesn't deserve to watch her mother slip away with every passing day. Our families and friends don't deserve to witness this. I don't deserve to only sleep for twenty minutes a night and spend the rest of the time crying my eyes out, trying to cope with this awful blue that's hoovering over my breaking heart.

I cried so badly before that I think I ran out of tears. My face and eyes were red. The shirt I had been wearing was soaked with my pointless tears, and I had a headache the size of China for hours. But I don't know why I wasted so much energy. It doesn't help anything. Yet, I still do it.


Times is hard (times is hard)
And things are a changin'
So I pray to God
That we can remain the same
All I'm trying to say is our love don't have to change
No it don't have to change


It's embarrassing, really. A grown ass man crying and sniveling like a small child. A bruise to my ego is what it is. You would think that crying would be refreshing and help me feel better in the end. But it doesn't alleviate the pain. At times, I think it makes it worse.

"Jay?" Kia's raspy voice grabs my attention. I look up from her hand, which is enveloped in mine, and softly tuck a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Yeah, sweetheart?" Her eyes tiredly rolled about her head as she paused to catch a breath.

"Open. . .please," I watch as her hand gestures toward the window. I lay her hand down on the mattress and get up. I'm at the window now and I'm pushing the blinds aside. My eye catches a couple. The man is opening up the side door and, whom I assume to be his wife, is carrying a bundle of blankets. I smile as I see a tiny hand poke out, grabbing the woman's finger. New parents.

I sigh disappointedly as I silently become envious of what they have. Weakly, my hands push up the window, allowing some air and sounds from outside enter the room. I reluctantly pull away from the scene and make my way back over to Kia. Her hand finds mine, resting in it comfortably.

"Do you miss it?" Kia asked suddenly, breaking the silence in the room.

"Miss what?" Again, a deep breath enters her body before she exhales it slowly.

"The world. . ." She paused, "Life." Of course of missed it. Who would choose this hospital over living life?

"You are my life," I answered honestly, "And my world." Her eyes closed, as if my words were the most sensational things to ever pass her ears.

"I don't think," Another pause, "That you could be more beautiful." My eyes involuntarily watered and I smirked.

"Of course I couldn't," I joked, "All my ugly is stopping it." Kia smiled weakly, barely showing a bit of her pearly white teeth.

"You don't have an ugly bone in your body," Kia assured, "Someone will see that and love it." My brows furrowed.

"I don't care what anybody else loves. You're all that matters." My eyes shifted down to the wedding ring on her finger as my thumb thoughtfully ran over it.

"You can't accept it now," Kia explained, "But you'll move on. I want you to." I gave her hand a tiny squeeze.

"No, I won't," I protested, "There's no point in moving on. Nobody'll be like you."

"So what?" Kia questioned, "There's only one of everybody."

"Kia. . ."

"Justin. . ." Kia repeated, "I want you to." The sternness in her tone caused me to quiet down. She was too weak to fight me, and I wasn't going to allow her to waste her energy on this pointless argument.

"I love you. That's all that matters now," I whispered, "That's all that matters."

Live It Up

"Happy birthday to you. . . Happy birthday to you. . . Happy birthday, dear Kia. . .Happy birthday to you. . . " As the claps and cheers filled the room, Nakia quickly blew out the candles on her fudge cake. Everybody, Trace, Rebecca, our parents, Nancy, Josie, and JC, had gathered in the hospital for our quiet celebration for this joyous occasion.

Balloons and banners were hung around the room. Silly string and other party favors were distributed to all the guests and piles of chocolate goodies were placed on a side table, reserved for Nakia. The weather was great and the vibes that we were getting from everybody took away the painful reality that was sure to strike us tomorrow.

It wasn't even Kia's birthday.

It's not suppose to happen for another month, but with things looking the way they are, we decided to take this opportunity to celebrate. It was kinda funny how everybody smiles for her and give their best wishes when they know it won't change anything. Sometimes, it upsets Kia. You could see it in the fake grin she returns as she mumbles a thank you. There were even moments where I wanted to slap someone for being too happy. As if everything really was okay.

But then I realized that it isn't about how I feel. It's not about the bitter resentment or the aching feeling of my dying soul. It's Kia's day. And she was finally having a good one after so much suffering. I had no right to take that away from her.


You know we've been struggling for such a long time
Working here and there just to get by
It's finally time for me to get mine


So, I smiled and stood by her bedside, keeping a watchful eye on her. Nancy was helping Josie with Kia's present, which I have yet to see, and JC was getting Kia's food and drink. Nakia asked me to just stand by her side, and relax for just a moment. But I couldn't relax. I don't know how anyone else is pulling it off.

I was about to sulk and wallow in my worries until I saw Josie running inside the room, a smile spread across her precious face as she shushed everybody.

"Okay, mommy," she began, "Miss. Nancy helped me with this." Before I could blink, she was already out in the hall again. Everybody waited patiently for her to pop up again.

"What did she get me?" Kia whispered as I shrugged with a smile.

"She wouldn't let me know," Kia giggled and sat up more. I adjusted her pillow and she thanked me.

"Close your eyes, mama!" Josie shouted from the hall, causing everyone to laugh. Kia did as she was told, even placing her hands over her eyes. I chuckled as I watched a four foot tall stuffed teddy bear get pulled through the door by a breathless Josie. I helped her and Nancy get its. . . angel wings. . . through the door.

"Can I open them?" Kia asked, impatiently. Everybody laughed at her eagerness. Josie adjusted a few items on the bear before nodding.

"Yes, mommy!" When Nakia's emerald eyes fell on the gift in front of her, they lit up happily.

"Aw, I love it!" she gushed. Josie proudly smiled and looked up at her mother.
"Well, I wanted you to have something when you go to heaven, so I got you a teddy bear. I know you love teddy bears," She sniffled and wiped her nose. I prayed that she didn't cry because I could already feel my tears building up.

"I really appreciate that," Kia said sincerely.

"I made it an angel too," Josie rambled, a nervous trait of hers, "Because they only let angels in heaven. Even if she's not really an angel, her wings make her look like one. Even if it's not real. . ."

"She's beautiful," Kia commented, "She'll fit in with the other angels," I watched helplessly as Nakia's eyes glazed over with tears. Josie looked up, worried.

"I didn't mean to make you cry, mama," Josephine apologized. Kia waved her off and chuckled.

"They're tears of joy," Kia explained, "Don't worry yourself over 'em." Josie nodded and picked up the bear, placing it next to Nakia's bed.

"You know what?" I interrupted, "How about I give you my present, Kia?" Everybody smiled and Kia grinned.

"Okay," she agreed, "Should I close my eyes?" I swiftly walked over to the corner of the room, rolling her wheel chair toward her.

"No, but you can let me help you in this chair, so I can take you to it." She smiled and helped herself into the chair. I covered her lap with a blanket, making sure to cover up the catheter to ease her embarrassment. As we went down the hall, Kia questioned my every move. I'd only laugh and tell her that she'd have to wait and see.


Oh live it up
We can go crazy
Live it up
You and me baby
Live it up, live it up, live it up


I brought her outside to the back part of the hospital. They had this mini garden area where patients would sit and bask in its beauty. I took us to a somewhat secluded area of the garden where I had set up a table covered in white lace. A single red rose placed in a clear vase was placed in the center of it.

"Jay. . ." Kia said softly as her eyes ran over the scenery, "This is gorgeous." I smiled and placed her in front of the table, pushing her chair in. I bent down and revealed a perfectly packed basket of goodies from underneath the table. Her warm smile made my heart quiver. I had to go months without that smile.


We're flying high
Don't wanna come down


"Before we begin over chicken Alfredo meal," I began as I set up our dinner plates, "I'd like to give a toast. . ."

"You know I can't drink alcohol," Kia said, her disappointment was evident.

"Who said alcohol?" I asked jokingly. I reached into our picnic basket and pulled out a bottle of sparkling grape juice, "Care for a glass?" She laughed heartily as I raised a brow comically.


Let's go raise a toast to the days ahead
You can't take it with you when you're dead
You might as well enjoy it now instead


I poured some juice into her wine glass before pouring some for myself. After making my way into my seat comfortably, I reached across the table and took her hand in mine. For a few moments, we silently stared at each other, not really needing words to express what we were feeling. Being stuck up in that hospital for so long made us realize how much we were missing. Just being in this garden, hearing the birds chirp happily rather than the beep of a heart monitor, was music to our ears.

"What do you want to make a toast to?" Kia asked, breaking the silence. I shrugged and looked up to the sky.

"To sunlight, and air. To trees and birds. . ." I chuckled softly in my dreamlike state of mind, "Just. . .life." Kia lifted her glass and tapped mine.

"I hear that," she agreed, "Anything else?" I paused, taking a moment to think.

"I also want to make a toast to good days," Kia smiled, "For longer, strong, prosperous days together. Just to love and happiness. To strength and resilience. And most importantly," I sighed as I struggled with the words, ". . . a restoration of faith." Kia looked at me thoughtfully before giving my hand a squeeze.

"Justin?" Kia said softly as my eyes drifted away from hers, "Don't tell me you. . ."

"Don't tell you what?" I snapped, "That I don't believe in . . . Him?" I gestured angrily toward the sky, pulling my hand away from her grip, "How can I believe when all this shit is going on?" Kia took her thumb and index fingers to the bridge of her nose, squeezing the area in a stressful manner.

"Justin, you have to have faith in him," Kia stated, "He's real and he's all we have right now."

"No, you're all I have right now," I corrected, "And it's His fault that I'm going to lose you."

"It's nobody's fault," Kia said in an exasperated tone, "God doesn't cause bad things to happen, he only allows them. . ."

"What priest taught you that?" I interrupted, "It's crap, Kia. Every single word of it is crap. All lies that they set up to fool millions." She shook her head, her eyes showing nothing but sadness.

"Those words in our vows were crap then?" she rhetorically, "I guess that means that Josie's baptism was crap too, along with yours and mines and the millions of idiots who fell for the lies of the church."

"That's not what I mean. . ."

"That's exactly what you mean, Justin," Kia argued, "You said they were all lies. That's how you feel, isn't it?"

"I just don't think I should praise someone who's just idling sitting around, watching us suffer like this." I explained.

"Justin, don't you see what He's given?" Kia questioned, "Look at you? You're Justin Timberlake. Musical artist of the century!"

"That doesn't compare to this," I cried, "I'd give up if I could change things."

"Why?" Nakia reached across the table and held my hand, "It's a part of you." Throughout the day, I've been thinking about what's been running through Kia's mind. I'm going insane, but she's the one that's dying. I would think she'd understand my loss of faith. That me and her would be on the same boat and would say screw God together. But, if anything, her faith's gotten stronger and I couldn't get my head around it.


Do you remember when times were hard?
Oh so hard
Through it all
We've come so far


"He's letting you die, Kia. Don't you realize that?" I asked her, "He can save you, but he won't."

"Jay, baby, do you remember the bad days I had over the last few months?" I nod and she continues, "Do you remember all the good ones?" Again, I nod, "Do you remember when I got to the hospital and they told us I had, what? Three months? Four, if I was lucky."

"Of course I remember all of that, but what does that have to do with anything?"

"Justin, it's been a year and some weeks, and I'm still here. Having a good day too," she explained, "God made that happen. He got us through those bad times and helped us reach this point."


So we can just celebrate, there's no more pain
Raise your glass and feel no shame


"So, that justifies your passing?" For some reason, Kia seemed to have morphed into a modern day mix of Gandhi, Buddha, and a hippie. Her “all love and peace” state of mind amazed me. She seemed to have the answers to all of my questions.

"Well, that's just life, sugar," Kia paused, thinking about something, before speaking again, "Life's like a hotel. You gotta check out in order to let someone else check in." Why did that make sense?

"Why can't I buy the damn hotel?" I mumbled as I pouted. Kia threw back her head and let out a contagious and hearty laugh that forced a smile across my face.

"I'm going to miss your goofiness," Kia grinned, "I'm just gonna miss you." I sighed, feeling my heart drop into the pit of my stomach.

"Why don't we talk about something else," I suggested, "Like. . . sports?" Kia rolled her eyes.

"Not talking about it isn't gonna change anything," Kia pointed out, "It's the inevitable."

"It's also quite the Debbie Downer," I chuckled as Kia smirked, "Lets talk about. . ."

" Sex baby. Lets talk about you and me. Lets talk about all the. . . " Kia began before I interrupted her.

"Nakia Davis!" I laughed, "You can't sing that dirty song." She only laughed at me before shrugging.

"What?" she asked innocently, "Sex is a beautiful thing. God made that too, ya know." She winked at me and I licked my lips with a small grin.

"Hey, I never said I hated everything he does."


Oh live it up
We can go crazy
Live it up
You and me baby
Live it up, live it up, live it up


Kia and I spent the whole day together. We took a walk around the hospital grounds and even snuck out to get some ice cream at a diner a few blocks down. It was so much fun being with her, alone and happy. There were no hospitals and no responsibilities. It felt like I was a kid again, having the time of his life with the most beautiful woman in the world.

It was almost midnight by the time we got back in the hospital suite. Everybody cleaned up for us and left Kia's chocolate goodies on the small table. For most of the night, we talked and ate chocolate. She asked me to write a song about chocolate and dedicate it to her. I laughed, but made a mental note to start working on it.

I had fallen asleep with my head resting on her stomach as she lovingly stroked my head. I woke up the next morning, and Kia was still asleep. I decided to run downstairs to the cafeteria to grab some coffee for myself and an apple juice for her. But when I got down there, a sickly feeling formed in the pit of my stomach. I thought my body was finally catching up with all the Mars Bars I ate the night before, but then I felt something else. An instinct that something was wrong.

I rushed back up to Kia's room, only to find her asleep. A rush of relief came, but was soon covered by panic when my ear caught onto something. The steady beat of her heart monitor was beeping faster than normal. The bars on the black and green screen were rising higher and higher. And the gasps that were suddenly slipping from Kia's lips caused me to choke on the air.

Finally, the siren went off. I could hear the stampede of doctors and nursing heading our way and I quickly exited the room as they rushed in. Orders were being screamed everywhere. Tools were being demanded and the noise seemed to cluster together in one big deafening sound. Soon, my heavy breathing was the only thing I could hear.

Silence.

Everybody seemed to have frozen in place as looks of pity and sympathy formed on the faces of the breathless doctors and nurses in the room. The crowd slowly dissipated as everybody left the room, giving me a pat on the back or a whispered 'I'm sorry'. I watched in horror as one lonesome nurse wrote down the time on a chart in her hands. I watched as she pulled the blanket over Kia's upper body until her face completely disappeared beneath the white cotton.

I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe.

She was gone.

Epilogue

I don't know what was worse: knowing she was dying or knowing she was dead.

But as I sit here, I wonder if it's okay for me to be this dispassionate. It's like I'm numb. I just can't feel anything. No sadness. No anger. No happiness. No. . .anything. It's like my heart has disappeared with my soul, leaving my empty shell behind.


I wish this could be
A happy song
But my happiness disappeared
The moment you were gone


Kia was everything inside of me. She made me wake up every morning and gave me a reason to smile each day. But now, what's the point? Every part of me is lifeless and I'm not even sure my heart's still beating in my chest. Should it really feel like this? Is this what it's like to have a major part of your life torn away from you? I've lost both my grandparents, and I loved them to pieces. But the pain was there, it was sharp and evident. Yet, the pain I'm feeling now is numbness. This sense of longing to be held and loved, but never getting there. Empty is what I feel. Useless. Powerless. Vulnerable.


Don't think I ever believed that
This day would come
Now all I'm feeling
Is lost and numb


The death of her wasn't really a surprise. We all knew it was going to happen eventually, but there's always that glimmer of hope in us that something miraculous might have happened to save her. It was a naive thing to think. Even more foolish to put all your faith in it. Like I did.


And ohhh I know I promised
Mmmm that I would try


I don't think I can do this. Funerals were never a thing of mine, but I went through it. I watched in disbelief as lowered her ivory casket into the ground before Josie and I walked by and dropped two roses on top of it. But this wake was terrible. Everybody was standing around, laughing about the good ol' days. Josie was with Rebecca upstairs in her, crying her heart out, begging for her mother's return. Her little fingers couldn't grasp the idea of death. Especially a death that was so unfair to everyone.


But I, yes I, miss you
And it's killing inside


I'm beside myself. What am I doing? Life isn't going to be right. I'm a single parent now. There's no more Nakia to help heal Josie's cuts or make her hair all cute with barrettes. I can't even cook anything besides eggs, so what the hell? I'm screwed. I'm going to be a dead beat daddy without Kia to guide me.

"Are you hungry, baby?" My eyes slowly shifted from the glass coffee table in the center of the room to my mother. I could feel her hand rubbing comforting circles in the center of my back as I shook my head.

"No, I'm not," I answered glumly as my eyes roamed the room. Everybody's black outfits clashed against the white of the living room. They were all chatting amongst themselves, nodding and smiling weakly as they exchanged their own unique memories of Kia. Trace and my dad, Randy, were looking at the photo display on a table on the side of the room. It was sort of a Nakia Davis shrine that Nakia's mom, Helena, set up.

Helena had decorated the entire house for this wake. Accenting every corner with a white lily or carnation. It was beautiful and it kept her busy. We talked on the phone for an hour when I gave her the news of Kia's passing. It was mostly crying, but it felt nice to have another person who felt like I was feeling.


I'll always be thankful
For the time we had
We were blessed
I should celebrate
But I feel too sad


Nakia would be disappointed in me if she knew what I was thinking. What I want to do. What I've done. I was actually stupid enough to put a knife to my wrist. I didn't cut deep enough to cause any real damage, but blood was drawn. At first, I was content with the idea of death, I thought it was the best idea. Then I saw the red ooze from my torn skin and I panicked. I quickly rinsed the cut and bandaged it. Nobody noticed yet and I'm praying that they don't.


All the wonderful memories
Just make me fall apart
And it feels like somebody's
Stabbed me in my heart


"Do you want a beer?" I heard JC ask. My eyes landed on the brown glass bottle of Miller Lite in his hands. I took the beer and smiled softly, offering a silent thank you. I looked to my right and saw that my mother had made her way over to my stepdad, Paul. My attention went back to Jayce. He was focused on the coffee table like I had been a few seconds before.

"Thank you," I said softly, "For helping me with Josie all the time and for being here now." He simply nodded and offered me a smile.

"I'd do it all over again, man," he said, "I'm sorry things didn't go as we hoped." I sniffled and wiped my nose with the back of my hand.

"Yeah, so am I," I confessed. He gave me a firm pat on the back before quickly pulling me into a sideways hug. It ended as quickly as it began and I excused myself to head upstairs to check on Josie.


And ohhh I know I promised
Mmmm that I wouldn't cry


The echo of my clicking heel filled the silent hallway. I loosened up my black tie as I took in deep breaths, trying to calm myself down. If Josie was crying, I was going to fall apart. I hate it when she's hurting like this because I can't do anything for her. No band-aids or Barbie will stop them. Besides, I can barely say Nakia's name without choking up, how am I suppose to comfort her?

Right when I reached her door, it swung open. Rebecca's eyes met mine as she offered me a small smile while pulling the door shut behind her.

"She's asleep," she whispered, "She wouldn't talk to me, she just kept crying." Her voice cracked as the words left her mouth. Oh great, she's not helping either. My body subconsciously inched forward, pressing her into my chest. The tears flowing from her eyes soaked the thin material of my dress shirt. As I rubbed her back, I fought every part of me to prevent myself from joining her in mourning.

After a few seconds, she finally regained her composure and controlled herself, "I'm sorry," she apologized, "It's just really hard."

"I know," I said, trying my best to hide the bitterness, "I miss her too."

"Of course you do," she told me, "I'm sorry if I sounded like. . ."

"No, it's okay," I explained, "She meant a lot to everybody," I watched as she nodded and placed a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Well, I might as well go downstairs before somebody gets worried and thinks I jumped off the roof or something," She chuckled and I smiled, "Are you coming?"

"Yeah, I'll be down in a few," I told her, "I'm just gonna use the bathroom." With nod and smile, she continues her journey down the hall. I take a peek at Josie in her room. Her curls surrounded her face as her body practically disappeared beneath the Hello Kitty sheets on her bed. I walked over to her bedside and bent down to place a tender kiss on her cheek. She shifted slightly, but stayed asleep.


But I, yes I, miss you
And it's killing inside
Ooh well I, yes I, miss you
Want you by my side


I made my way out of her room and down the cream-colored halls. My eyes ran over the photographs that lined the walls. They were family photos, some taken by Nakia. She loved taking pictures. It was a secret passion and talent of hers. There was a picture of Josie and me playing with Brownie, our spaniel. There was one of me in Vatican City, standing on the steps of St. Peter's. There was the infamous shot of us kissing in the center of the dance floor during our wedding reception.


Walking, holding hands
Talking, making plans
Touching my heart, my soul


The stinging of hot tears quickly overwhelmed me as I wailed in pain as my heart began to break even more. My hand clasped over my mouth to muffle my cries and I ran toward the bathroom. I securely locked the door behind me as my back rested against the wall. I slid down until I was sitting on the cold tile floor, my long legs stretching ahead of me before I brought them to my chest.


Tell me it's not happening
Say it's not as it seems
Tell me that I'm gonna wake up
It's just a bad dream


I sat there for what seemed like forever, sobbing until my eyes were blood shot and my nose was clogged up from all of my sniffling. Look at me. I'm a mess. I can't believe Kia thought I had this in the bag. I broke down at the sight of a few photographs. What am I going to do when the holidays come around? When Kia's actual birthday arrives and I don't celebrate it? Hell, what about tonight when I go to bed, alone and cold?


Please tell me that it's fiction
Tell me it's just a lie
Whatever you choose to tell me
Please say she didn't die


"Kia?" I called in the mist of my insanity, "Please, come back to me. I'll do anything!" My pleas were met by silence and I cursed myself for being so stupid. What was I expecting? An answer of some sort?


Ooh well I, miss you
Want you by my side
Back here by my side
Here by my side


Suddenly, a light tapping on the door shook my from my thoughts. I cleared my throat and wiped away my tears.

"Just a second!" I called as I stood and walked over to the sink.

"Daddy?" I quickly turned on the water and wet my hands, rubbing them over my face. I didn't want Josie to see me like this.

"Hold on, sweetie," I told her, "Daddy's coming." Grabbing a small towel, I made my way over to the door, unlocking and opening it as I dried my hands.

"Are you okay?" Josie asked as I took her small hand and brought her into the bathroom. She was still dressed in her black dress, her curls ruffled by her sleep.

"Daddy's fine," I lied before kissing her forehead, "Why?" She looked up and gestured for me to lower myself to her level.

"I heard you crying," she whispered as her tiny hands cupped my face, "And your eyes are as red as cherries." I chuckled and sighed. The resemblance between her and Nakia was becoming more and more evident.

"I'm just upset," I explained, "I miss mama just as much as you do." She nodded and pouted.

"You don't have to cry, daddy," Josie said, "You got me!" I laughed and kissed her cheek.

"I sure enough do," I agreed, "And I'm lucky."

"'Cause I love you?" she questioned. I nodded and hugged her. Her warmth was soothing to me and I could feel the essence of her mother.

"And I love you too, sugar," I told her, "That's all we need, baby. Each other."



Song Credits:

"Miss You"- Jem