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Experience Of A Lifetime Series
By: Traci W.

Part 1: Dear Goodbye

Traci’s Point Of View

Ok, things have been a little complicated lately. But I decided that now is a better time then any to tell you the real story behind Justin Timberlake and JC Chasez.

My name is Traci Timberlake also known to some as Spacey and 1/3 of the all girl group Perfect Harmony. Well, I guess I should start from the beginning. My best friend Ashley and I were sitting around her house one day when *Nsync’s tour bus broke down in front of her house. We couldn’t believe it when they came knocking on our door it was like a dream come true. We ended up becoming fast friends with them and of course interested in more then a friendship. JC and I started dating while Justin started dating Ashley. While becoming acquainted with the guys Ashley and I along with her friend Hannah became known as a group called Perfect Harmony. Our first single was a hit on the Pop charts and soon Johnny signed us onto his label and we started to tour with *Nsync as their opening act. We went with them on their Pop Odyssey tour having great times at all the places and of course drama filled nights. Hannah became an item with Lance and a friend of ours Michelle became closely acquainted with Joey.

Anyway, we got a little break which didn’t last long and then they started their Celebrity Tour. The nights were filled with long concerts and even longer after parties. On the last concert Justin and JC put a wild scheme together. It consisted of video taped memories of us and a special guest appearance by Joe. While he came out to sing “I Believe in You” JC and Justin proposed to Ashley and I. Right there on stage, I couldn’t believe it. Ashley happily said yes while I realized I couldn’t do it. I ran off stage like a bat out of hell totally embarrassed not only for me, but for poor JC as well. The group tried for a long time to get me and JC back together but neither of us would budge. I went out a few times with Wade to try and get my mind off JC but it was no use. Wade and I are still close, as friends of course.

Justin and Ashley were set to marry in November and along with planning their wedding they planned to get JC and I back together. JC was the best man and I was the maid of honor so that we would have to do everything together at the wedding. So that’s how it happened. The day before the wedding while playing Laser Tag JC and I were teamed together of course, and it just happened. I looked into his eyes and realized I didn’t want to live without him. So, we got back together that night secretly. We didn’t want to tell the others, we wanted them to try and force us together like they had been for the past couple of months. The wedding went off without a hitch and of course so did the plan of getting JC and I back together. During the dance of the maid of honor and the best man we kissed, showing all of the guests we were okay. It was a fun and exciting night expect for that fact that I almost kissed Justin while dancing with him during the dollar dance and not realizing then that the feelings I had for him were not brother and sister feelings but I kept them to myself chocking it up to the mood of the night: romance. Ashley and Justin headed to Las Vegas for their honeymoon while I spent the week at JC’s house taking care of Justin’s younger brother Jonathan. As this point Ashley and I were sharing an apartment but since she was moving out to live with Justin, JC took that as a sign to ask me to move in with him and I did. We lived right next door to Justin and Ashley.

So things were going great for awhile, I did some minor redecorating of his house added a few things to make it not so much a guy home but a couple home. We still went out with Justin and Ashley and the rest of the group to clubs, movies, and bowling, whatever to entertain ourselves. During this time Perfect Harmony made a Christmas album and had a big concert a week before Christmas debuting the CD and everything. Christmas Eve soon came and everyone headed to Ashley and Justin for their Christmas Eve party where JC has proposed to me. This time I said yes, and we spent a wonderful night together basking in each others love. Ahh times were good. We went to his family’s home in Maryland to tell them the news on New Years Eve and of course they welcomed me with open arms. After New Years things went pretty fast, we made the wedding date March 10th and planned a wonderful honeymoon up in Big Bear Lake.

After the honeymoon things weren’t going so great. For both Justin and Ashley and myself and JC; things were coming up in tabloids about secret love affairs pairing JC with Ashley and Justin with me. It was pretty ridiculous stuff but sometimes the stories were very convincing. No one could go shopping without paparazzi being outside or following us around in the market. Everyone started to drift; Justin and I started to hang out more while JC and Ashley did the same. It wasn’t like all 4 of us hanging out, we would be separate. Justin would want me to go check out a new restaurant with him while JC and Ashley went to do some shopping or dancing at some hot new club. I should have seen the signs then, but I was too blinded by the love I had for my dream man.

So things remained that way with JC and I. We were always fighting, pushing each others buttons, being annoyed by each other’s presence. Eventually JC went to sleeping in the guest bed room down the hall while I stayed in the master bedroom. Then one day while we were having a stupid argument in the living room I can’t even remember what it was about now, that’s how stupid it was. It wasn’t our first fight, but it was the first time he actually hit me. I fell to the ground with a thump, I was in total shock I think I laid there for a minute trying to gain some composure or I might have attacked him back. I think he was just as shocked about it as I was. I lay in a ball on the floor with my hand holding the side of my face. I could barely breathe; my cries were struggling to come out of my throat. I think JC was too shocked to move, but he watched me for a minute before getting down next to me. I wasn’t gonna do it though, I wasn’t going to forgive him for this. It wasn’t right for a man to hit a women, and I wasn’t going to be that women that stayed with him. That night I went over to the Timberlake’s for the night while JC stayed at the house. I remember breaking down in Justin’s arms as soon as the door opened and he brought me in, not asking anything or expecting an explanation he was just there for me.

I know this story makes it looks like JC is the bad guy. But I’m not perfect either. I know I wasn’t the perfect wife. I did things to purposely upset him, we would make plans for dinner and at the last minute I would make plans with Justin to try a new restaurant or something to make him equally upset. But I should have kept a better watch on him I think, or at least paid attention to what he was doing. While I was out with Justin, JC was with Ashley doing more then just hanging out as friends.

Then one day, I got some news that would change all of ours lives forever.

Staring out, depressed about
What words I have to plead
So torn apart

Shattered by impressions of
Confessions in defeat
My broken heart

The day started out simple enough. JC and I had actually slept in the same bed, not on purpose of course. He came rolling into the house around 3 am and I was already asleep and heard him crawl into bed but I was too tired to push him out. As long as he didn’t touch me, then things were good. Isn’t that horrible, I was only happy when my husband wouldn’t touch me. I make myself sick sometimes. Anyway, this day was like any other. Justin was going to start his solo album process; meeting with various artists to collaborate and of course writing. I was so proud of him; he was doing something different by himself without the group. Anyway, JC was taking that time to just hang out with friends and chill a little nothing major. Ashley was busy writing songs for other groups, getting media attention that way, while I worked with Wade on some dance routines. So I was off at the studio with Wade working on some moves with the newest girl group from Jive records (sad to say Perfect Harmony was no more) when my cell phone rang. We were taking a break so I reached into my bag to answer it seeing that it was Ashley.

“Hello”
Immediately I knew something was wrong, I heard Ashley whimper pitifully over the phone.
“Trace…”
“Ashley, what’s wrong?”
“We need to talk, where are you?”
“I’m with Wade breaking in a new group, what’s happening?”
“Can you get away, this is really important”
I glanced back at Wade, we were almost done anyway. I sighed, this had to be important or she would have waited for me to get home.
“Alright, I’ll be over as soon as I can” I said
“Thank you,” I heard her sigh “see you then”
“Bye”

I hung up and phone and Wade looked back at me “Everything okay?” he asked
I nodded “I think so” I replied “But do you mind if I head out of here, Ash needs to talk to me…she said it’s urgent”
Wade nodded “Yeah, we’re about done” he replied “I’ll see you tomorrow”

I nodded and grabbed my duffle bag, and searched in it for my keys. I got into my truck and headed back home, all the time trying to think of something that could make Ashley that upset. Maybe Justin started to hit her like JC did to me, but he wouldn’t. Justin wouldn’t do something like that, not after seeing what JC has done to me. Finally I reached the gated community and drove past the guards waving as I went. As soon as I pulled up to our street and glanced at our houses I knew something was up. Justin’s car was parked hastily in the drive way and even JC’s car was parked in front of the Timberlake home instead of in our drive way like usual. I pulled my car up into the driveway of my house and got out quickly heading towards the Timberlake home. Before I even reached the door it opened and Justin stood there in his usual sweat pants and wife beater outfit but his eyes were blood shot red, his cheeks covered in tear stains. Something definitely wasn’t right.

“Justin, Ash called me what’s wrong?” I asked seeing his face
He gulped before grabbing my hand and bringing me into the house not saying a word. I went reluctantly as be brought me through their foyer and into the living room. Ashley was curled up in a love seat; I could hear her whimpers as JC stood behind her rubbing her back.
“Guys?” I questioned “What’s going on?”
Justin took my hand and sat me down on the sofa and sat down beside me.
“Well, are you guys gonna tell her?” He replied bitterly

I glanced at him, then at JC. I was getting scared, something was up. With that Ashley broke down again, bawling into her hands. JC leaned down and whispered something into her ear, and she nodded. JC then looked into my brown eyes, and my heart sank. I already knew what he was going to tell me. I could feel the tears start to well in my eyes, and a lump was forming in my throat.

“Ashley’s pregnant” he replied “And it’s mine”

Crying, desperate, fighting
Questions scared to let go

We used to be so beautiful
But the days go by and
Things get better

I'm weary from the war
I'm losing half my soul
But the days go by and

Well, I’m sure you can imagine my reaction to this statement. Complete denial. He wouldn’t do this to me, would he? I mean we had our fights but it’s not like we weren’t in love with each other still. Right? Yeah. That’s what I thought. I sat there in total shock; I thought I was going to start hyper ventilating. I was breathing heavily, and the tears were starting to pour out of my eyes faster then I could wipe them. This whole time Justin sat beside me, rubbing my back trying to get rid of the pain that I felt, the betrayal I felt by both my husband and best friend.

“I can’t do this” I said getting up, trying to clear my vision enough to find my way out of the house.
“Trace… I’m so sorry” I heard Ashley plea, “I didn’t mean for this to happen”

I sniffled and turned to look back at her as she sat there with my husband, as he held onto her close as she continued to cry. How could this be? How could my husband go and sleep with someone else, my best friend for that matter? I shook my head and looked at Justin as he watched me. Gosh I couldn’t even imagine what Justin was feeling right now, this was his wife and best friend too. He was sitting on the couch with his head in his hands leaning his elbows on his legs. I knew from this point on all of our lives were going to change, there was no way that I could stay with JC through this and I didn’t know what Justin was going to do but this wasn’t going to work for me. I wasn’t going to stay married to a man who was having my best friend’s baby.

I stumbled my way towards my house, my vision blurry from the tears pouring down my face. I was trying to keep the whimpers and cries to a minimum but I couldn’t help it. I was struggling trying to put my keys in the door when I felt someone’s hand touch my shoulder. I thought it was JC and I was ready to turn around and attack him. But when I turned my hands up ready to smack the crap out of JC, someone grabbed my wrists trying to hold me still. It took me a minute to realize it was Justin through my blurry vision.

“Trace!” he screamed trying to get my attention “It’s me!”

I blinked and saw him standing there in front of me. I exhaled sharply and whimpered as another cry broke through my throat and I leaned against him wrapping my arms around his neck more tears pouring out of my eyes. Justin hugged me back, wrapping his arms around my waist holding me close. He rubbed my back, and we began to sway back and forth. He some how got the keys from me, and opened the door the whole time holding onto me, for the fear I would fall over. We walked into the living room and Justin sat me down on the couch. I immediately curled into a ball, hiding my face in my arms and curled on the couch. Justin sat down next to me, and put his arm around my shoulder moving me from the edge of the couch to his shoulder. I leaned against him, hiding my face in his neck as the tears took over again, and I began to cry. Justin stayed with me until I stopped crying, he’ll never know what that means to me.

I don’t know how many hours passed but I woke up on the couch with a blanket over me, and my shoes were off lying on the floor and my head was propped on a couch pillow. I took a deep breath as I sat up and looked around trying to remember how I got there and what had woken me up. That’s when I heard the knock on the door; I blinked a few times before getting up and walking towards the front door. I probably looked like @#%$ since I had been crying I knew my hair was a mess. I walked past the kitchen and saw Justin looking into the fridge and dancing around the kitchen to his own music and I laughed and shook my head. I opened the door not thinking about it, and JC was standing there. We didn’t say anything as we looked at each other for a minute; I didn’t even know what to say to him.

“Trace…” he spoke first

I really didn’t want to talk to him right now, but for some reason I couldn’t look away. His eyes were red too and I knew he had been crying, I don’t know if it was over me or something else though. His nose was red too, the way it always got red when he cried. Seeing his face I jus wanted to pull him into a hug and hope we could work this out. But he was having a baby with someone else, someone that was my best friend.

“Can we talk?” he asked, looking at me with that hopeful expression
“She doesn’t want to see you” I heard Justin say and I knew he was walking towards us from the kitchen
I turned and looked at him then back at JC as he looked at the both of us, his eyes moving from Justin’s to mine. I sighed and looked back at Justin and nodded to him, he rolled his eyes and sighed
“Fine” he said “But I’m not leaving the house, I’ll go into the office”

With that he headed across the house to the back of the house where the office was. He had been over plenty of times and knew the layout of the house. I watched him walk away and then turned back to JC and moved out of the doorway and he walked into the house and we headed to the living room. I sat down on the couch, holding onto the pillow and JC sat next to me. I looked at him waiting for him to say something; he wanted to talk to me so he was going to start.

“I never really meant for this to happen” He started off, looking at his hands.
He couldn’t even look at me, what a joke. I watched him though, noticed as he licked his lips and sighed and ran a hand through his hair.
“How long has this been going on?” I asked, not really knowing if I wanted to know the answer.
“Um, awhile” JC replied
Tears started to well in my eyes again, and I knew I was going to start crying.
“Are we done?” I asked “Does this mean you don’t love me anymore?”
”I’ll always love you Trace” he replied “You’re my Traci”
This made me want to start crying all over again, because I wasn’t his Traci anymore.
“You jus don’t want to be with me anymore” I said sadly
“You really think we can do that while Ashley is having my baby” JC replied “She wants to give it up, but I won’t let her … this could be my only chance at this”
I looked at him “Did you think I wasn’t going to give you children?” I asked “Is that why you slept with her?”
“No Traci, no” He replied “That’s not what I meant”
I sniffled and wiped my eyes again, they were starting to hurt now.
“But… I guess we’re done” I said looking at him
He took his eyes away from his hands, and looked into my brown ones. I knew by the look on his face it was, he didn’t want to stay with me. Even if I did forgive him, he wasn’t in love with me anymore. He wanted Ashley; he wanted the baby she was going to give him, the family he always wanted.
“What did I do?” I whimpered “Was I that bad of a wife that you had to go start a life with someone else?”
JC sniffled as well, and I looked at him and noticed the tears starting to poor down his cheeks as he tried his best to wipe them. Even if he did hurt me I wanted to go and hug him and tell him we would work through it; that it would be okay. But I knew he didn’t want me anymore, I wasn’t the one he wanted; he wanted to be with Ashley. JC stared into my eyes, like he was trying to look into my soul and ask for forgiveness and I knew one day I would give it to him, but not right now.
“You were a wonderful wife,” JC said suddenly “And I’m an idiot for doing what I did to you, but I can’t take it back…and I can’t change the way I feel now”
I couldn’t help but think this was all a dream. I jus needed to pinch myself and I would wake up and I would start all over. I would do things differently. Please make this be a dream. But it wasn’t. I was really sitting here, having this conversation with my husband. I had to be strong now, because I had to be on my own. I was going to be JC Chasez’s ex wife, while my best friend was going to become Ashley Chasez. And they were going to have a baby, and I was going to be alone. I pulled myself together and looked at him,
“You need to go” I replied trying to keep the tears at bay
JC looked at me and nodded, he stood up and I watched him as he walked towards the door.
“I’ll get my things later, maybe when you’re not here…so it won’t be weird” he replied watching me.
I nodded, and waited till I heard the front door close before I broke down again falling onto the couch bawling my eyes out once again for the man I thought I was going to be with for the rest of my life.

Past the point of reasons
I just want you to believe
That it's not your fault

Cry your eyes to sleep
It's like a thousand rainy nights
Oh, drowning lows

The next thing I knew, it was morning. I slept peacefully only because I was so exhausted from crying the night before. Justin stayed with me; we piled blankets onto the living room floor along with pillows and spent the night there. We spent most of the night talking, I know he only did it to keep my mind of the whole thing, but I’m sure he thought about it as well. Ashley hadn’t even attempted to talk to him yesterday like JC did to me. But I woke up to the bright sun shinning in through the windows; I opened my eyes but immediately closed them because my eyes were so sore. I stayed there on my side and then looked next to me and saw Justin facing me, his face smashed against the pillow and his eyes closed as he breathed deeply. I smiled, and leaned in to kiss his forehead lightly. He groaned a little, his eye brows creasing, lines forming on his forehead but he stayed asleep. I sighed and leaned on my arm watching him, I was so thankful that he stayed with me last night, I don’t know what I would have done if he didn’t. I lay back down and covered myself in the blankets and closed my eyes, trying to relax before I started crying again. A few minutes later I felt Justin shift and kiss my forehead. He must be awake now, but I kept my eyes closed just to see what he would do. I felt his lips on my forehead and I tried my hardest not to smile, when he began to talk to my sleeping form.

“Everything will be okay” He said softly “we’ll get through it together…I’ll be here for you…if you need me”

I tried my best not to smile, as I slowly opened my eyes looking into his clear blue ones. He looked a little surprised that I had opened my eyes, and I could see the faint tint of red creep in his cheeks.

“Hey” he whispered
I smiled “Morning” I replied softly, my voice raw from the crying I did the day before.
“Sleep okay?” he asked me
I nodded “Did you?” I asked
“Like a log” he replied
I smiled, and we laid looking at each other, I was trying to figure out what he was thinking by the expression on his face, but he was hard to read.
“What are you we gonna do?” I asked breaking the silence.
“Don’t think about it” he replied quickly
“I have too, he lives here…we’re married” I said
He sighed “We’ll work through this okay?” he replied
I closed my eyes trying my best not to start crying again, but the tears came and started to pour down my cheeks. Justin reached forward and started to wipe the tears from my cheeks with his thumbs gently.
“Don’t cry” he whispered

I couldn’t help it though, and then I felt his warm lips on my cheeks as he started to kiss my tears away. It caught me by surprise and the tears stopped and I opened my eyes to look at him. We looked into each others eyes, and something came over me and I brought my face towards his as he watched me both of our eyes closed and we shared a passionate kiss. My brain was going crazy with all the thoughts running through it, was I really kissing Justin? This guy who had been my friend through all this drama, was I going to ruin a good thing by doing this? Maybe. Our kiss intensified for a minute or so, and I leaned against him practically laying on him. I hadn’t felt like this in a long time, I’m sure you figured JC and I stopped touching each other a long ass time ago. Finally reality hit, and I realized I was kissing my best guy friend. I broke the kiss quickly, and we looked at each other for a minute panting.

“I’m sorry” I finally said, getting off of him.
But Justin had wrapped his arms around my waist, keeping me above him. How could he possibly want me right now in that way, I’m sure I looked like @#%$; my hair was a tangled mess from sleeping, and I’m sure my eyes are blood shot and my face stained with tears. I watched him as he licked his lips looking into my eyes, and I wanted to jus lay there with him forever but I couldn’t, not with everything that just happened. I sighed and bit my lip.
“Justin … we can’t” I whispered
“Why not?” He questioned “Everyone else is” he winked
It was his poor attempt to make me feel better about this, but I couldn’t. I was too hurt over JC doing this to me; I couldn’t do this right now. I sighed and laid my head down on his chest, feeling his heart beat against my cheek and hugged him close. I felt his chest rise and fall as he sighed and hugged me close and rubbed my back. From now on, things were going to be different. I just didn’t realize how different.

Photographs, the close up, what we had
Come undone

Where did it all go wrong?
The days go by and
Things get better

Days came and went, and things went on as usual. Well except for the fact that Justin was now living with me and JC was living with Ashley. I kinda moped around the house for days at a time. I would be fine one day, doing my routines with Wade then I would see a picture or hear a song and I would fall into a funk for a couple of days. Justin always tried his best to keep me out of that funk, but it never really worked. Once I was in it, there was no stopping it.

One day I was just lounging around the house. Wade has given me the day off; he too tried to keep my mind of the past days events. I love these guys, it’s a wonder I didn’t have any brother’s growing up, because I have these makeshift ones right now. Anyway, I was just lounging around the house, cleaning up a little (the house has gotten pretty bad). Justin was out signing some papers, and going over some things with Johnny for his solo album (which he was doing a LOT of writing for) so I had the house to myself. I decided I should clean out the master bedroom, get rid of some things and maybe set some of JC’s stuff aside for him to get when I wasn’t there. So I opened the walk in closet and looked at the boxes piled on the shelves. I pulled one off the shelf and headed towards my bed, and put the TV on for some noise. I put the box down on the bed and opened it, immediately regretting it. Pictures. Damn it. They were from everything: from when we started touring, to the latest concert. Ones of BBQ’s, ones of time I spent with JC’s family in Maryland, ones from the wedding, everything. JC’s and my life practically packed up in this box. I remember why I put it there too; I was going to get a scrap book together one of these days. And if not to make matters worse, I heard something on the TV that made me look up at it. There they were, JC and Ashley, the happy couple, announcing their pregnancy, together, like they had been a couple forever. I could feel the hot tears starting to build in my eyes again, DAMN HIM. Why did he have the power to do this to me? Why did I let him? I lay down on my bed, and watched the TV. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from them; I was never going to get to do that, tell the world how happy I was. Never. As if on cue, as soon as the tears slipped down my face the phone rang. I already knew who it was even before glancing at the caller ID. Justin. I took a deep breath before answering it.

“Hello?”
“Hey Sas,” He replied softly
I smiled, Sassy was his nickname for me. I don’t know why, I was nothing of the sort.
“Hey J” I replied, trying my best to stay under control
“Whatcha doin?” he asked,
I sniffled “Um, cleaning up a little … and watching some TV” with that I started to cry again, wheezing even, I’m sure sounding really ugly.
“You need me to come home?” he asked
Home. He was referring my house as his home now. Wow. That was something new to me.
“No no, finish up with the meeting” I replied quickly, no way was he going to mess up his career for me.
“We’re almost done here,” he replied quickly,
“Okay, I’m jus cleaning out the closet” I replied
“How come?” he asked
“Cause, I’m bored”
He laughed.
“Why don’t we go out tonight?” he asked
I made a face “Out?” I questioned
“Yeah, let’s make an appearance” he replied “So no one feels bad for us”
“Don’t you think that will cause some un-wanted attention?” I asked him
“Yeah so?” he questioned
Figures, he was always up for something that would get his picture taken. I love the boy to death, but he could be so vain sometimes.
“I don’t know” I replied “It’ll jus make it look like we’re retaliating against them”
My life as I knew it was coming down around me and I had no idea what to do. JC and I being together was something I had to get out of my head, because it was never going to happen.
“Well, you decide then ok?” he said “I gotta go though; I’ll be home in a little”
“Okay, bye”

He hung up. I sighed and leaned back against the pillows at the head of the bed. And I continued to watch the TV as the press conference wrapped up. They were happy together, or at least they looked happy together. I really could never know it’s not like I was talking to either of them. Everything that I had with JC, or thought I could have with JC was gone. It all came crashing down around me, and I didn’t know where to go from here. I had to start thinking about the future, because JC had made it clear that he already was, and his future had nothing to do with me.

You hardened like a stone
To face the world alone
But the days go by and
Things get better

Exhausted of apologies
In search of something comforting
But the days go by and
Things get better

Brought out the best and worst in me
You gave your all unselfishly
But the days go by and

That was it. After seeing the press conference I stayed in a funk for about a week, and then I got up one morning and decided that was enough. I was going to be strong now; I was going to move on. So I did, I met up with a realtor and was out looking for a new house in no time. There was no way I was going to stay in that house another day. I didn’t touch JC’s stuff after that day, if he wanted it then he could come and spend the time going through it and taking what he needed, I wasn’t going to be his maid anymore. Justin was consumed with work on his album, promoting and such, so I had been alone a lot of the time. But it was good for me; I was doing things on my own.

I had just gotten back from looking at places all day and I was exhausted. I didn’t want to do anything but sit in my air conditioned house and relax. I got into my house and threw off my shoes, pilling them on the side of the door with many of Justin’s other ones and put my purse and keys down on the side table by the door. I turned up the air and made my way up the stair’s to change into something more comfortable. I walked into my room and immediately froze, there were boxes all over the room, and suit cases with JC’s clothes spewing out of them. I looked around and noticed JC coming out of the bathroom. We both froze and looked at each other for a minute.

“Hey…” He said finally breaking the silence.
“Hi” was all I could get out
“I was just um …“he looked around the room nervously,
I nodded “Okay” I replied, “I was just going to change and go down stairs”
“Oh yea sure” he replied, and proceeded to leave the room

I waited for him to close the master bedroom door before I sat down on the bed with a sigh. Geez, this was harder then I thought. I took a deep breath and got up again going into the dresser drawer to get some shorts and a tank top to wear. I changed quickly, and looked around the room once more. This was going to be the last time I saw JC’s things in this room. The closet and the drawers were never going to have his things in them again. I looked around the room once more after I changed, and then opened the door. JC was leaning against the wall, his arms crossed over his chest as he looked intently at the opposite wall. He turned to me when I opened the door and he stood up straight.

“I won’t be much longer” he replied quickly
I nodded “Okay, I’ll be down stairs” I said, and proceeded to walk towards the stair way.

I went into the kitchen and poured myself a glass of iced tea before making my way into the living room. I sat down on the couch with my iced tea and a book and proceeded to relax a little. Try to calm my nerves down a little, I turned on the stereo and tried not to think of JC up stairs. I don’t know what time it was when I heard him make his way down the stairs but the sun was starting to set, showering the walls in the house with orange and yellows. I glanced at him from the couch, as he carried a few boxes down the stairs carefully, thankfully he didn’t seem me staring at him. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before sitting up, putting my book on the side table.

“Do you need help?” I questioned
JC glanced at me from the last step on the staircase, probably shocked as hell that I was even talking to him.
“Um, I think I’m okay” He replied, but then missed the last step and slid down his eyes going big.
I tried my best not to laugh, as I covered my mouth with my hand. He regained control and looked back at me with a weak smile “Heh” he kinda laughed
I smiled at him, “Are you sure?” I asked, “I mean you have a baby to take care of, I don’t think it’ll be good for Ashley to be taking care of you when you should be taking care of her” I said this before realizing what I was saying.
JC glanced at me with an amused smirk, “I guess” he replied, then looked at the front door “You can open the door for me…if you want”

I nodded and made my way towards him; I reached the door and opened it all the way leaving him with enough room to get out safely. He stepped out of the house and made his way across the yard towards the “Timberlake” home. I don’t even know what to call it anymore, Ashley and JC’s love nest? Ew. I shuddered thinking this, and turned to walk back into the house. I headed up the stairs and into the bedroom and started taking the boxes to the beginning of the stairs, pilling them up so JC only has to continue his trip up and down the stairs. Don’t ask me why I was doing this; I should’ve let him do this by his damn self. But I’ve never been one to not help someone in need. It took JC a good 45 minutes to get all the boxes over to his house; he collected a lot of stuff over the years. He came back to take his last final box, it was a box full of notebooks that he had written in over the past years. I was standing in the kitchen, trying to decide what I should do for dinner when I heard his shoes squeak on the tile floor. I turned as he walked into the room, and set his box down on the counter.

“Did you want something to drink?” I asked him, curious as to why he came in here
He shook his head no “I’m okay” he replied,
I went to sit down at the bar with my glass of tea, and looked at him as he opened the box he had with him and proceeded to take a notebook out.
“I want you to have this” he replied, sliding the notebook over to me
I looked down at it, “What is it?” I asked curiously
“It’s things I wrote about you” He said quietly “Our whole relationship hasn’t been in vain, there were times when you were the only one I wanted”
Were was the main word in that sentence, past tense. I looked down at the notebook then back at JC as he watched me.
“Jace, I couldn’t” I replied “These are your works, you worked hard at these”
I could remember many of the songs he wrote for me, and some of the poems. But I didn’t know he had them written somewhere, I thought they were all just in his head; memorized like he did with many other things.
JC shrugged “Yeah, but they are about you, and I think you should have them” he said “There’s poems, and songs, and just scribbles’
I didn’t say anything as I looked at him, and then back down at the book.
“You can keep it or throw it away, whatever you want” he said
Tears started to well in my eyes again, as I looked back at him.
“This really is over isn’t it?” I asked him
His lips formed a frown, as he reached over and took my hand into his.
“I’m really sorry about all this” He replied, looking into my eyes.

With that tears started to pour out of my eyes and down my cheeks. I closed my eyes, pulling my hands out of his and covered my face with them. I didn’t know what JC was doing until I felt his hand on my back, and he started to rub it gently. I exhaled a shaky breath, trying to calm down a little as he continued to rub my back. This can’t be the end, it couldn’t end this way. We were too much in love before, what happened to us? Finally I thought of something, my weak attempt to try and stay with him. I took my face out of my hands and turned to look at him as he stood beside me. I reached up wrapping my arms around his neck and kissed him like I had never kissed a man before. Trying to show him that I was the women he wanted to be with, not Ashley but me. JC stumbled back an inch, as I felt his lips move against mine. This was working; he was going to be mine at last. But all good things come to an end, especially when they concern me. I felt JC hold onto my arms firmly and pull us apart from each other.

“Trace” he whispered “It’s over”
“No…” I cried looking up at him “It jus started”
He shook his head, and put me back onto the bar stool, holding onto my arms firmly keeping me in place.
“Please” I begged “I’ll do whatever I have to”
JC sighed and looked into my eyes “It’s not about that” he replied “We’ve grown apart”
“But how?” I questioned “After so many years, you just don’t love me anymore?”
JC looked into my eyes, and sighed. He then leaned forward and kissed my forehead.
“I’m sorry this has to happen this way” He said “I hope you can forgive me one day”

With that he grabbed the box, and headed towards the door. I watched him open the door and look around the inside of the house once more before stepping through the threshold and walking out the of the house forever. He was never coming back, and I had to live with that. It was time for me to move on for good, I attempted to get him back. I was willing to forgive him for this and be with him again. But he didn’t want the same. Now I need to move on.

Oh, I could never replace
All the tenderest moments
They will always live right here
Inside me

My love will forever hold a place
For you
That's why I'm so confused, yeah

Girl, we used to be so beautiful
But the days go by and
Things get better

So I did it. I bought my own town house. All on my own. It’s a cute little place, with 3 bedrooms. One is just a room for my music stuff. It’s got shelves of old group things and enough space to practice some dance moves. The other bedroom is a guest bedroom, where people *cough* Justin *cough* stayed over when they wanted too. And then there was my bedroom. There was a good size kitchen, and then a living room. It was weird living by myself again though, I mean first I lived with Ashley and then went right into living with JC. So it was different to live on my own. But I had to do it, and I was okay with it.

Wade and I were preparing to send the new girl group off on tour by themselves. So that consumed most of my time, and most of my thoughts. Ashley and JC moved into a new house as well up farther in the Hollywood hills, I guess to stay away from the public and so it would be a little bit harder to find them. Justin went out and bought his own house in the Hills as well. His house was huge, and I had no idea why he wanted something so big. If I had something like that it would just remind me how ALONE I was. But I forget this is Justin Timberlake, also known as Mr. JT.

Wade had actually convinced me to go out and hang out with him and a couple of his buddy’s. It was okay, I hadn’t been out to a club in forever, so it felt kinda nice. Justin was supposed to meet us out there, but he called up and said he wasn’t gonna be able to make it. That was okay; I actually had a good time. So finally I walked into the house at about 2 am but I was still wide awake. I was still on the high for the night so I changed into some comfortable shorts and one of Justin’s shirts that he had left over one time. I went into the kitchen to pop some pop corn and get something to drink then went into the living room and turned on the TV. As I was flipping through the channels I heard a knock on my door. I turned and looked at the door from my seat, and glanced at the clock on the cable box. It was a quarter to 3, who the hell was knocking on my door. So I got up slowly, and crept to the front door and looked out the peep whole. Oh geezish, it was Justin. He had a damn key for my place too, why the heck was he knocking. I opened the door quickly,

“Justin…what the hell-“ but I was cut off,

All of a sudden his lips were on mine, and we were sharing a steamy kiss. It did catch me off guard but oh my gosh did it feel good to have a man kiss me again. Justin had moved his way into my house, closing the door with his foot and had me against the wall, my hands wrapping around his neck pulling him closer to me. After about a minute I finally had to break the kiss, I couldn’t breath. I took my arms from around his neck, and pressed them firmly to his chest pushing him back.

“Justin” I panted trying to catch my breath,
He looked into my eyes “I love you” he proclaimed
I froze; did he just say what I think he just said? I looked at him, still trying to catch my breath. He watched me too obviously waiting for me to say something. But I couldn’t think of anything to say.
“You don’t love me” I replied suddenly “You just miss Ashley”
“No no!” he almost screamed putting his hands on each one of my shoulders and looking me square in the eyes “I love you, I do”
I wanted to start crying right there and then. I don’t know why, my emotions were getting the better of me. Justin watched me as I tried to blink my tears away, taking a deep breath.
“You can’t love me” I whispered, “No one loves me”
He shook his head no “I do!” he said again, “Listen to me for a minute okay?”

I looked at him, as he watched me obviously trying to think of something to say to make sense of this whole thing. He licked his lips and I just wanted to kiss him again. How could anyone resist that? He walked me over to the living room and sat me down on the couch, and shut the TV off. He paced in front of me, and ran a hand through his hair that was starting to grow back from the shave he had done.

“Okay, we’ve known each other for a while right?” He asked
I nodded watching him, “But Justin what-“ but he cut me off again.
“No, just listen!” he practically screamed
I held my lips in a straight line, watching him. He took a deep breath again before talking once more.
“During the time that we’ve known each other, we’ve always had that connection, you know, even if it was as friends, we still like got each other”
I nodded watching him as he continued to pace.
“And then on my wedding day, you almost kissed me” He stated
I looked at him, staying quiet. Oh no. I thought he forgot about that.
“Justin, it was just the atmosphere” I started to explain
He shook his head “No, it wasn’t” he replied “You had feelings for me too, even then when I was getting married”
“No no no” I said shaking my head, closing my eyes and covering my ears with my hands “I didn’t, you were marrying my best friend, I didn’t!”
Justin then got down in front of me on his knees, taking my hands into his as he looked into my eyes.
“Traci, it’s okay” he said “It’s not like we did anything about it…you know?”

I shook my head again, trying not to look into his eyes. Why was I denying this? I had begun to develop feelings for him these past couple of months; but only because he took such good care of me after the whole JC thing. He was there for me when I needed him, and that’s why I was attracted to him: because he was a good friend. I looked at him for a minute as he continued to stare back at me.

“Let’s do this” he said after a minute “let’s be together”

I didn’t even know what to say to him. I just kept looking at him, trying to think of something to say. But I was at a loss for words. So I thought of something else, I leaned forward and kissed him softly. Our lips moved together in a slow rhythm, just feeling each other out. I was trying to show him without words the exact way I felt about him. And I think he got it. He kissed me back, leaning me back against the couch, climbing onto the couch and straddling my legs as his hands moved to my face holding me in place as he continued his assault on my lips. This was like a dream come true to me, someone to love me back. I was in total heaven, as I sat there and made out with Justin that night. That is as far as it went for us; I don’t think either of us was ready for much more then that. But it felt good, it felt nice to just sit there and be with someone and have them hold you all night. We fell asleep there, on the couch in my living room. I lie in his arms and never felt more comfortable in my life.

I'm losing half my soul
To face the world alone
But the days go by and
Things get better

We're not the type to just give up
But I know that it's what's best for us
The days go by and
Things get better

So Justin and my relationship escaladed into something that I always wanted. I eventually sold my town house and moved in with Justin. What a waste huh? But it was good, for once. Jive had the bright idea of having Justin and Christina do a tour together, so most of Justin’s time now was spent practicing for the tour as well as promoting his album on various TV shows and things. Ashley’s pregnancy was progressing along with JC and Ashley’s relationship. He had proposed to her and she said yes. That didn’t take very long. I got all this information for a little birdy aka Justin. He remained friends with Ashley and JC; which I didn’t mind, because he had known JC for a long time. But anyway, they were happy and so was I.

Ashley did finally give birth to a little girl. Her name was Jocelyn Alisa Chasez. Ashley almost died during it as well, there had been some complications during the delivery and they told her she’d never be able to have kids again. Justin began to make his daily trips over to Ashley and JC’s to see the baby. He completely fell in love with her, so JC and Ashley asked him to be Jocelyn’s god father and of course he agreed. JC and Ashley then asked me to be Jocelyn’s god mother, and I did accept the offer after much convincing of Justin of course.

So around this time, Justin had made up his mind that he would be a wonderful father. He knew that if he could watch over his god daughter then he could watch over his own child. So this topic came up when I had gone with him to help baby sit Jocelyn one time. JC and Ashley’s relationship with me wasn’t completely mended but I could stand the sight of them without gagging. Anyway, Justin and I would sometimes baby sit together to have some company and so Ashley and JC could have some time alone. So there we were in the soon to be “Chasez” household. I was cleaning up the dinner dishes while Justin sat with Jocelyn aka Joc (everyone’s nickname for her) in the living room. The little girl was only a couple of weeks old and Justin was trying to teach her to say “Nino” (which is God father in Spanish). He would be in her face repeating “Nino” and she would look at him in a trance. It was the cutest thing. I had finished up the dishes and walked into the living room where Justin was with Joc. I stood leaning against the door way, watching them.

“C’mon Jocy, say Nino” Justin whispered to her “Nino … nino”
I rolled my eyes at his attempt. All Joc did was squirm in his arms and her face tensed up. I laughed a little too loudly and Justin glanced over at me.
“Are you spying on me?” he questioned
I smiled “Of course not” I replied “Jus watching you interact with our god daughter”
He smiled at that and held Jocelyn tightly. I came over and sat down next to him, leaning over to look at Jocelyn as she lay peacefully in his arms.
“Doesn’t that sound good?” he asked “Our god daughter”
I watched Joc and smiled and nudged his side lightly.
“Yea it does” I said
“You know what would sound better?” he asked
“Hmm?” I questioned
“Our child” he said simply.

I looked at him, not saying anything for a minute. He had to be kidding me. He wanted me to get pregnant now? Now that his tour was going to start and he was going to be on the road for months at a time. He watched me for a minute, then looked back down at Jocelyn and made a face at her. I watched him as he played with her, and smiled. It would be great to have a kid with Justin, but I don’t know about the timing. With everything that he had on his plate, with the new album and everything. And me, well I really wasn’t doing much. Maybe this was the perfect timing. I think Justin might have thought that he scared me by not brining it up for a while. But it was the complete opposite. It had me thinking about things that I would have never thought of before; a family with Justin Timberlake. Could it really work? After we got Jocelyn to bed through we both went and sat down in the living room. Justin had turned on the TV and was scanning through the channels as I sat next to him, leaning my head on his shoulder. I reached out and grabbed one of his hands and held onto it tightly.

“Justin” I replied softly
“Hmm” he said, not tearing his eyes away from the TV
“Were you serious?” I asked him
“About what?” he asked,
Gosh. He wasn’t even paying attention. All he wanted to do was watch the dumb basketball game. I leaned over and grabbed the changer from him, practically falling on his lap, and shut the TV off.
“Trace” he whined “I’m tryin to watch this”
I sat myself on his lap side ways my legs hanging, facing him and wrapped my arms around his neck. He looked into my eyes and smiled a little. I smiled back and leaned forward to kiss his lips lightly. He looked at me as our kiss ended and smiled.
“What’s up?” he asked
I smiled; “I’ve been thinking” I started
“About?” he asked watching me curiously
“Having a baby” I said simply, waiting to see his reaction
His face just light up, his eyes shined brightly, and he flashed his million dollar smile.
“Are you serious?” he questioned
I smiled and kiss his cheek lightly, my hands going to the back of his neck where I start to mess with the hair he’s starting to grow back. He wraps his arms around my waist hugging me close.
“I jus want to make sure you’re positive about this” I replied, “I know you’re gonna go on tour soon”
He looked at me and nodded “I know, but nothing will keep me away from you if you need me” he said

I smiled, and kissed him lightly, he kissed me back, holding me close to him. My life was actually working out for once and it was great. When Jocelyn Alisa was 5 months old I was about 4 month pregnant with our first child. We were going to have a boy, and Justin’s heart was set on naming him Justin Randall Timberlake Jr. It will probably end up being that, just because Justin usually gets what he wants.

So yeah, since I became pregnant I didn’t do much dancing. Could you imagine? Trying to do the moves that Wade comes up with? Hah, no. So I became a house wife for awhile. Justin didn’t like me doing much anyway, you know since I was carrying his child and all. Lynn came out a couple of times to visit with me, and also her first little grand baby. She probably was just about as excited about it as Justin was. She helped me pick some things out for the baby room, and a theme for it as well. It was nice to have someone to hang out with while Justin was out. I know he didn’t always want to be, but this was his dream and I wasn’t going to stand in the way of that. My family came out as well a couple of times to stay with us and visit awhile. My mom wasn’t very fond of Justin when I first told her about the whole thing, but she grew to love him like a son. She really wasn’t happy that I wasn’t married and was having a baby but the first time she felt the baby kick; all the anger seemed to melt away. So my life was going on the right track for now.

Right now I was at home. It feels funny to say that: home. But yeah, that’s what it was to me now. My parents had just gone home so I was cleaning up around the house, from having guests all weekend. Justin had been around some of the time, but this morning he told me he had some last minute things to do so he headed out earlier to do those things. I just got done changing the sheets and things out of the guest house in the back yard and was getting ready to fold a pile of laundry in the living room. I was almost done when Justin came storming through the front door,

“Honey I’m home!” he called out
I laughed to myself as I turned over to yell out “In here!”
Soon Justin came through the door way and made his way towards me. I glanced back to see him with this huge smile on his face as he stood in the door way watching me.
I laughed “What’s up?” I asked, as I continued to fold.
“Nothin” he replied and sat down next to me on the couch “Did your family get off ok?”
I nodded “Yes, though they wondered what you were up too” I said
He smiled and leaned into kiss my cheek “Don’t worry, when you find out you’ll forget all about it” he said
I looked at him “Will I?” I questioned
He nodded with a smile. I laughed and finished folding the last piece of clothing, and handed him his pile.
“Here these are for you” I replied, handing off the huge pile
He looked at me and pouted. I watched him and laughed.
“What?” I asked
“I wanted to give you a present first” he replied
I looked at him, hmm, a present huh?
“Okay” I replied and opened up my hand “Let me have it”
He laughed “Close your eyes” he said

I sighed and closed them with a smile. Justin in the meantime had put down the pile of clothes that I had given him and got down on his knees in front of me. I felt him lift my hand, and kiss my fingers lightly. All this time my mind was going crazy with thoughts. Then I felt it, a ring being slipped onto my finger. No way was he proposing! I smiled, and couldn’t help the tears that started to fall out of my closed eyes. I had been really emotional lately, but the doctor said it was the hormones. I could feel butterfly’s in my stomach and began to get all fluttered. The baby must of sensed it too because he started doing what felt like flips. I heard Justin snicker as he saw the tears start to pour out of my closed eyes.

“Okay, open em” he said
I slowly opened my eyes, and looked down at the engagement ring that rest on my left hand ring finger. I squealed like a little school girl and practically fell on Justin as he sat on his knees in front of me. He laughed and hugged me tightly, as I wrapped my arms around his neck.
“Yes yes yes!” I cried before he even asked me the question
He laughed, and hugged me tightly.
“Yes what?” he asked, “I haven’t even asked you anything”
I laughed “Ask me, ask me” I replied and broke the hug looking at him
He smiled, and reached out to dry the tears from my eyes with his thumbs.
“Trace…” he said softly
I smiled “Yeah” I said watching him
He leaned in and kissed my forehead, and then brought my hand to his lips and kissed it once more.
“Will you marry me?” he asked, looking me in the eyes
I smiled back at him, and nodded.
He leaned in and we kissed passionately for a minute before breaking the kiss and I hugged him tightly once more. Now this was the life.

We'll pass some crossing roads
Surviving on our own
But the days go by and...

So things happened pretty quickly after that. My pregnancy progressed well, as well as Jocelyn. She was looking more and more like Ashley with each passing day and acting more and more like JC as well. She had her daddy wrapped around her little finger though. JC finally got his writing bug back and began to write and record songs for his new album. Justin was traveling around the world touring with Christina and doing a lot of promoting. I went with him for some of the things he did locally, just so that I had a chance to be with him.

Eventually JC and Ashley got married. It was a nice ceremony on the beach, and they headed off to Hawaii to have their honeymoon. And I had finally given birth to the first Timberlake child; we went through with the name Justin Randall Timberlake JR. He looked just liked Justin in every way, from the clear blue eyes to the unruly curly hair and an attitude to boot. He was our “love child” so to speak and will always be that to Justin and I. So during JC and Ashley’s honeymoon Jocelyn stayed with us, which was a little hectic since we had Jocelyn and JR was only about a couple months old. But we got through it okay. When JR was about 1 year old, Justin and I finally got married. It was a quiet ceremony with just family and friends and we headed out to Jamaica to have our honeymoon. We had asked Ashley and JC to be JR’s god parents and they both accepted.

So after everyone had their weddings and things started to settle down again, Justin went onto his Europe leg of the tour and JC began promoting his new album. His first single opened up a lot of eyes in the music world, and got some good and bad reviews but all in all people were excited about another *Nsyncer making a solo album.

Ashley and JC wanted more kids, but since Ashley was un-able they adopted. Andrew Scott Chasez was their second child. He was just a little pudge ball, he had brown hair and big dark brown eyes. He was so cute, and again they asked us again to be his god parents and of course we said yes. So things were becoming semi routine for the both of our families. So around the time Andrew had arrived in the picture, JC started touring around the states.

I had gotten home from a hectic day of activities with the now 2 year old JR; we started a mommy and me program to keep him occupied some of the day and to get some of that energy out. It was fun we did some arts and crafts, sang some songs, things like that. Anyway, I got him into the house and of course he ran straight to the down stairs bathroom to let out our puppy Cocoa. She was a chocolate lab. A dog I had always wanted growing up. I put down our bags by the front door and took off my shoes, listening for JR to make sure he was okay. It was about time for his afternoon nap, and he was getting a little cranky. I walked into the living room where he was playing with Cocoa and laughing that high pitched kid laugh that always melted my heart. I watched him for a minute, smiling. Then spoke.

“JR baby, come on its nappy time” I said
He looked at me from his position on his floor and pouted, I smiled, geez he was Justin to a T.
“C’mon, don’t you want to be awake when daddy gets home?” I asked him smiling

He sighed, and looked at Cocoa who was lying on her back as JR scratched her belly. He got up and walked towards me, putting his arms up. I smiled and bent down and lifted him into my arms and kissed his forehead. He laid his head on my shoulder, and wrapped his arms around my neck. He talked to me about his day as if I wasn’t with him all day, and we made conversation as I made my way up the stairs and into JR’s bedroom. I took off his shoes and laid him down on his bed and he snuggled close to his stuffed dog that his nino and nina got him.

“Sleep tight JR” I said kissing his forehead

He mumbled his response as his eyes closed. Cocoa had followed us up the stairs and lay outside his bedroom door. She was his watch dog, it was cute. So after I got him all snuggled in, I took the baby monitor with me down stairs. I dug through my bag and got out my brand new JC Chasez “Schizophrenic” album that I had purchased at Target earlier that day. I went into the kitchen and poured myself a glass of iced tea and then made my way into the studio that was down stairs. I closed the door lightly, and put the baby monitor on the shelf and sat down on the couch and proceeded to open up the CD. I was so excited for him; it was something he always wanted to do. So I put the CD is the player and sat back down on the couch. I opened up the little booklet and began to look through it. It was so unlike the JC that I knew in the beginning. He had grown so much over the years it was kind of weird to see him this way. So I let the songs play through for a little while, and then began to go through the ones that I liked. When I came across this one, it was a smooth sounding guitar so I laid back and closed my eyes listening to the beat. It was a good one, smooth sounding, different from his other songs. Then I heard it, the words that described JC and my break up. The pain, emotion, and thoughts were all poured out into the song. I think I listened to it 5 more times, before I reached over for the phone. I dialed JC’s cell, and waited as it rang. Finally he answered.

“Hello”
“Hey Jace, it’s Traci”
“Oh hey Space, what’s up?”
I smiled and laid back on the couch, “I jus wanted to let you know I got your album today”
“Oh yea?” he questioned “What did you think?”
I smiled, “I think it’s awesome, it shows a lot about you and how much you’ve grown”
He laughed “Well thank you”
“You’re welcome”
We were quiet for a minute before I spoke up again.
“Oh and I wanted to tell you something else” I said
“Yeah?” he questioned
I smiled “I forgive you”
He was quiet for a minute, and I almost thought he hung up. Then he spoke.
“I’m glad” he replied, “Everything in that song is true”
I smiled, a tear sliding down my cheek “Thanks JC”
“No problem Space” he replied
“I um gotta go, so I’ll talk to you later ok?” I replied, trying to end the conversation before it became awkward.
“Alright, bye”

He hung up. And that was it. Things were okay from then on. Like always things come up but you work through them and things turn out for the best in the end. And the days go by.

-*- The End -*-

Dear Goodbye- JC Chasez

TBC : Part 2: Never Again (Coming Soon)