When I got up in the morning and he wasn’t home I didn’t think anything of it; it wasn’t unusual for the sun to beat him home when he was in recording mode. As I sat at the kitchen table and ate breakfast I heard the front door swing open and the scratching of claws on the hardwood floor, which let me know that he was home and he picked up Buckley and Brennan from the kennel. He came into the kitchen, grabbed a bowl from the cabinet, and sat down next to me but didn’t eat. I tried to ignore his stare but I eventually gave in; when I glanced up from reading the back of the box of Lucky Charms and saw his eyes get watery and could tell something was bothering him.

I couldn’t keep my big mouth shut. I just had to ask him what was wrong, which I now regret. He hesitated to answer me but decided to just go for it when I told him to ‘stop being such a pansy’; Open mouth, insert foot.

When I heard the words ‘I’m leaving’ come from his mouth I didn’t think anything of it at first;  he left tons of times before to go on tour for months, so what was so different about that time (and why was he acting so weird about it)? He wasn’t just leaving temporarily though; he was moving out and moving in with Amber, his assistant who he was having an affair with. He was ending a 6 year relationship to start a brand new one, with someone that I couldn’t stand.

I never liked Amber from the second he came home and said that Trace wasn’t going to be his assistant any longer. From the second she same into our lives it seemed that she was always trying to take over; he was always booked with appearances when he needed to be with his family the most, and when he did have family time it was always interrupted because she needed him to ‘sign off’ on some contracts. I’m not stupid; I know she was trying to win him away, and well, looks like she did.

When he moved out that same day he went back on every promise he ever made me. He used to tell me, every night before I went to sleep, that he would never abandon me and that he would always be around to love me. But when he walked out that front door and into her arms he immediately became a liar. When he got serious with her and started a family with her, I lost all respect I had for him.

Sure, he stayed around for a while, but eventually the visits pretty much stopped. Things got extremely weird whenever we had to speak to each other; he didn’t know what to say to me and vice versa. When Amber gave birth to Marcus I really wanted nothing to do with him. And it’s bad that I didn’t want anything to do with him, because I needed him; he was my everything and always will be my everything, it’s not that easy to just stop loving someone and even if I wanted to hate him for what he did, I couldn’t.

You don’t ever forget the bad things that people do to you and, even if they try to buy your forgiveness the way he has over the years, that empty feeling that harbors in the pit of your stomach when something doesn’t feel right never goes away; he caused that constant hallow feeling in my stomach and I’m still bitter for it.  I had to watch him parade around Hollywood with them at his side; that used to be me at his side, that used to be me that he would flaunt all over LA and show off to the paparazzi and his fans proudly. But she came along and ruined everything.

Don’t even get me started on Amber. That bitch never liked me, even from the day we were introduced she always shot me dirty looks and looked down on me like I was nothing. I didn’t like how shady she acted and she knew I was onto her game, too bad he didn’t know. I still laugh about the day that I ran into her at Kitson and called her out on what she did; for once in her life Amber Hanes was speechless.

I was scanning the racks of clothes with my best friend, Cary, at my side when I heard the familiar annoying cackle coming from behind me. I turned to Cary, who turned towards me at the same time, and smirked before putting the shirt back down and walking over to the rack of jeans where Amber stood talking on the phone.

“Oh my gosh you saw her? I know, right? Trace totally went over there the other day to check up on things and Justin even knew about it, which totally pissed me off. I thought he was done with that shit, but he has his best friend hanging out there to make sure everything is okay. Like, seriously Meredith is she that fucking pathetic that…”I cleared my throat before she could finish and she abruptly turned and looked at Cary and me.

“Mere, let me call you back. Hi LJ, how are you?” I knew she had nothing to say; I had just overheard her conversation that she was having about me.

“It’s Lena actually, and I’m great Amber. How are you?”

“Oh, it’s Lena now? But I’m good. Just getting a little shopping in while Justin is at Marcus’ baseball practice, you know how that is though.”

“No, actually I don’t. Incase you forgot I never got that opportunity to witness that because of some whore.”

“Do not call me a whore Lena.”

“Isn’t that what you are? Seriously, get over yourself. I knew from the day that he brought you home as his new assistant that you were trouble. Why the fuck, out of all the men in Los Angeles, did you have to pick him? Are you that insecure with yourself that you had to steal another woman’s man?” While saying all of this I still continued to scan the rack of jeans, pretending like everything was normal. She looked around the store as people were completely oblivious to what was going on in our little corner and shook her head.

“I’m not having this conversation with you.” I noticed that her eyes were on the door so I turned that way and saw a buzzed head of hair walking into the store with a small child at his side. I shook my head and put the jeans I had in my hand, ironically they were William Rast, back on the shelf and walked more towards the back of the store and waited for him to be away from the door before Cary and I headed out to my BMW down the street.

It’s different adapting to losing someone who belongs in your household, but I got used to it eventually; I got used to being questioned by paparazzi wherever I went about the split; I got used to not having him around like I wanted him to be. I was so used to him being gone and being a family man with his other family that when he called me and asked if he could take me out to talk about things I turned him down, at least twice a week. He would leave messages on my phone that he wanted to talk things out and be civil with me again and I would ignore him, and end up crying myself to sleep after listening to him plead for my forgiveness.

Him leaving turned me into this horrible person; I was mean to everyone and every other thing out of my mouth was negative in some way. No one really wanted to be around me that much, and I don’t really blame them. When he left the pleasant side of me left right along with him and in came in ‘The Bitch’. My life got out of hand; I became this bitter person and would do anything to get even with him and her. After ‘The Bitch’ came and went, I became depressed. It’s hard losing someone so valuable to you, I’m sure you’ve all lost someone before and you couldn’t cope.

The only thing that kept me sane, even though it’s so cliché, is family. The only time I was my normal happy self was when I was around them, so I spent a lot of time healing down in Memphis with family. When I needed to escape Los Angeles, the prying paparazzi, and the judgmental people I flew down to Memphis to stay in Millington for a couple weeks with his family, who still remained a large part of my life even if he didn’t. Being back there made me miss him even more though, so I always ended up cutting my visits short and heading back home to try to console myself, only to fail (because he’s the only one capable of consoling me to this day).

One visit to Millington ended with me hopping back on a plane to LAX and picking up my new boyfriend and heading over to Rodeo Drive to drown my sorrows in retail. There wasn’t any reason to go home, no one was there waiting for me, so what was the point really? I was looking down at a text message I just received from Cary when I walked straight into something, well someone. He noticed me before I noticed him.

“Shit, watch where you’re going next… LJ?” I cringed at him calling me LJ. I looked up from my Sidekick and smiled weakly at him. I looked over at Jeff, who motioned that he was going into the Yves Saint-Laurent store, for help.

“Hi.” He pulled me into an awkward hug before quickly releasing me and stepping back to get a good look at me.

“You look like you’ve been doing great, how are you?”

“I’m good. But that shouldn’t be a question we should be able to ask each other, don’t you think?”

“I know LJ.” He glanced behind his shoulder at Jeff who was walking towards the store down the sidewalk and cocked his backwards. “Who’s your friend?”

“Jeff’s my boyfriend.” Even through his Versace shades I could see he was glaring, a glare that I knew all too well and could deliver perfectly myself.

“Boyfriend huh? Since when?” Before I could answer he looked down at the bags in my hand and smiled. “You shopping today? Do you need money?” He started to reach into his back pocket but I grabbed his wrist and stopped him.

“I don’t know we’ve been together for like 5 months. Look, I’m 17 Dad.  Please don’t try to start being my parent now, okay? I’ve done fine without you for 4 years; I can manage without you still.”

“LJ…”

“Lena, my name is Lena damn it.” He gave me the name Lena Justine when I was born, and because I was such a tomboy when I was little he started calling me LJ, which I loved. But soon after he left Mom and I high and dry I went back to being called Lena; I didn’t want to be reminded of him.

“Lena, I’m sorry okay? I know I broke so many promises to you baby girl and I know what I did was wrong, but you only have one father and I want to try to have the relationship we used to have.” By that time fans were standing around, having noticed him, and snapping pictures so I remained calm even though I wanted to scream.

“Do you think sorry cuts it Dad? I see Uncle Trace at least twice a week, and the only time I see you is on TV prancing around with your perfect little family or talking about them. You know what ever happened to you loving me forever? You can’t love someone and walk out on them for another family Dad, you just can’t.”

“Is that what this is? You think I don’t love you Lena?” I shook my head, still remaining calm and pulled my shades down over my eyes as I felt my eyes welling up. He pulled me into a big hug and kissed the top of my forehead and whispered so onlookers couldn’t hear us.

“God Lena, you know I would never stop loving you. I was young and extremely fucking stupid for leaving you and your mother but I won’t ever stop loving you or her for that matter. You know your mom and I were constantly fighting about me being gone on tour all the time and recording constantly; neither of us were happy anymore. I shouldn’t have just left you alone and I regret it, but I can’t take back the past. You know I love you Lena, don’t you?”

“I do Dad.” I felt him smile against my forehead before he backed away from me a little and wiped underneath the lens of my shades to get rid of the beginning of my tears.

“What do you say we ditch your little boyfriend and we start over by getting some lunch?”

“Do I have to ditch him here? Can’t I drop him off at home first?” He laughed and nodded his head.

“Yeah, meet me at the restaurant when you’re done.” I knew what restaurant he was referring to, he didn’t have to say the name; right before he and my mom got divorced him and Uncle Trace opened up another restaurant in Los Angeles, called LJ’s.

“Alright…”

“I can’t believe you thought I didn’t love you anymore Lena.”

“You haven’t really showed that you cared in the past couple years. I could have done without the BMW for my 16th birthday and the random money if I had you. And besides, you left Mom for a white girl, I figured you were ashamed that your daughter’s ½ black.”

“Ashamed? Lena, honey; don’t tell Amber this, but you’re my favorite. There’s no way I would ever be ashamed of you. Crazy ass, you think just like your Momma.”

“Whatever, let me go so I can bring Jeff home.”

“Alright, I’ll see you in a little while. And Lena?” I started to walk in the direction Jeff went in, but stopped when I heard him call after me.

“Yeah Dad?”

“Don’t tell your mom yet, okay?” I just smiled and nodded, knowing that she wouldn’t take to easily to me letting him back in my life so easily. I walked a few feet and stopped and turned back around. By the time I had turned around he was too far away and I didn’t want to yell our business out so I swiveled open my Sidekick and dialed his number then closed it.

“Hello?”

“Hey Dad?”

“Yeah Lena?”

“It’s LJ by the way…”

“LJ, got it.” I could practically hear him grinning from ear to ear after I said that.

You guys know Justin Timberlake as the new ‘King of Pop’, I know him as my dad. You guys see the charismatic side of him, the side that loves his job more than life itself and would do anything to be involved in the music industry. I see the down to earth Justin Timberlake, the side that doesn’t want to do anything other than spend time with his family and friends kicking back at home.

 
But I lost the side of Justin Timberlake that only I get to see; I lost my Dad to his fans and his new wife, but he’s back. I lost LJ, the outgoing girl that everyone loved, to Lena once too, but just as my Dad came back so did she. And now both of them are here to stay…