Amelia's POV 

Do you ever get that feeling where its not you? Almost like things are just fucking up on their own without warning. I used to blame me, now I know that excuse stops working. I prefer knowing the truth than anything else. I believe knowing the whole truth speaks major volumes.
 
I have these dreams, or fantasies rather, of living in total peace. Not death or suicide. But like I said, it’s mostly fantasy, no harsh images or distorted interruptions. Life can be lived without the hassle of forcing it through each day. But sometimes it gets harder if you let it control you. Like the people… They know who they are. And really, when you think about it, nothing will change when it comes to personalities. It’s in their nature sadly. Ok, you’re probably scratching your head so far, but this is just the start. I have a lot of the stretching to do when it comes to explaining my side of the story.
 
Amelia Sabera is a no-nonsense kind of girl.
 
For years I’ve never felt envious of anybody until recently. JC Chasez has just about everything. But he has this habit of throwing it away like it’s meaningless. I mean come on, looks, money, a nice house, career (up for debate), and a happy and full life. I mean how do you fuck that up? Because he’s selfish, lonely, and probably gay; I hear he’s an asshole to the fans he has left. He should be lucky enough to have people who like him or even talk about him. Despite how boring he is, it bothers me a lot that he thinks he could do anything and get away with so much. What a self-centered prick.
 
But I’m guessing most guys in the city are like that. Usually the decent looking ones are walking around like the cheese fell off their cracker a while ago. I only wish things were somewhat different maybe. People tend to take things for granted. I hardly think he worked for all that he has. He’s like Paris Hilton, minus that sleazy sex tape, least that I know of. Who knows how many skanks he’s got lined up at his home.
 
But how do you do that exactly? With a minor morsel of talent (ok I’m being a little nice here), fame, money, and overall notoriety, how do you just toss that away like it’s the most trivial thing ever? That’s what I mean by getting away with things. Was it easy for him? What exactly was he thinking? Ever since he was in that faggot group things have taken a turn for the worst. Man, he’s so gay I can’t believe Lance was the one who came out (again, up for discussion). But JC or Josh or whatever Prince name he calls himself to seem less white and lame can’t seem to get over his shit. He’s like the picture perfect asshole for our generation. At least in my eyes…
 
And don’t ask me if I think he’s even slightly good-looking. Just ask him. I usually just skate right passed that and go to the major issue at hand. His personality; people think its Justin Timberlake down with the cocky (well, yeah I guess that seems right), but people forget about what’s going on behind the scenes. They don’t really know what’s going on. JC’s a loser and he knows it. That’s why he behaves the way he does.
 
He can’t get away with this shit for much longer. I can’t let it happen. Now if I just stop staring in his direction and finally tell him this everything would be OK.

There he is. Fucking ingrate, thinking he’s better than the next asshole that passes by. My blood just boils at the sight. I’m just afraid though… I know, ok, I have to just do it. Just do it and get it over with.
 
Look at that fucker. Right, like that girls real to him. Look at how he’s barely holding her hand while he’s reading the paper with pure interest. Maybe he is gay. I guess this shouldn’t be a problem then. I can deal with the gays, they’re just as annoying as women. He looks so calm, I think this is the perfect time to dump this iced vanilla latte all over him. Its full and pretty cold. Bet it would wake his ass up.
 
Ew, now the skank’s trying to whisper something in his ear. Ok, this is sadder than the The Hills. Fucking gross, her legs look like my arm and oh my God, is she going commando? What the fuck?
 
Ok, this is just wrong. Someone needs to fuck this guy up and it better be me.
 
"Hey, is anyone using this chair?" A southern voice boomed me out of my plan.
 
I shook and turned to the voice. Gentle blue eyes appeared as well as soft, crowning features. He looked older than me, not a lot but his age was showing through the lines on his forehead. His blonde curly hair was tucked under a Kentucky State University beanie hat. Too casual to be a local. The accent gives it away.
 
I licked my lips, suddenly I was gripped my iced latte so hard it was practically a third hand. I blushed, “Oh, yes, I mean no go ahead, I wasn’t using it.”
 
The corners of his mouth lifted up as he flashed me a bright smile. “Thank you.”
 
I nodded, feeling calmer, strangely. “No problem…”
 
I never know how to speak when it’s awkward. Was I supposed to say more or what? He just wanted a chair but wasn’t I trying to do something else here? I suddenly forgot.
 
He took the chair and turned around from me. I guess that was it. Ok, now I completely forgot what I was gonna do. But now I’m back to the chair guy.
 
I was about to ask him something when I noticed a blonde woman walk hurriedly in the café with a little boy with curly blonde hair and a flat-looking nose. The woman sat in the open chair I had just offered and picked up the toddler, placing him on her lap. And then it dawned on me.
 
Married? He barely said a couple words to me and suddenly I’m growing jealous of the pretty blond who’s obviously preoccupied with the chair guy. The fact that I’m agonizing over this just proves I need to go back to Dr. Holtz.

Amelia's POV

You know those moments where you aren’t supposed to hear what the other person’s conversation yet you listen anyway? I guess I was trying my hardest not to get so interested but this was reminding me so much of my own parent’s situation. I’m guessing this probably wasn’t easy for him to deal with. Stuff like that is trying on anyone. I’m surprised he seems amiable about the whole thing. No hard feelings. I’m probably passing too much judgment on someone who asked me if he could use my chair. The blond woman started to get up with her child holding her hand from behind. I’ll be honest; I hate children, especially babies, but this one, well… I’ll just say they have a cutesy factor. It grows on you. I guess I could appreciate a child if it’s well-behaved.

I averted my eyes when she looked in my direction. I guess she caught my nosy expression but thank god she didn’t say anything. I was lucky she left before I got in bigger trouble for listening in. I could only pretend to read the classifieds for so long.

Wasn’t I doing something else though? Maybe it’s so early that I can’t multi-task like I used to. It’s barely 9:30am, so why was I complaining? Maybe because it’s how I start my day; being a bitch. Well, not so much a bitch as being the real deal.

I sipped the iced latte next to me and let icy feeling trickle down my throat and placed a zinger on my senses.

Ok, now I’m officially not gonna grow some balls and put him in his place. I just can’t do it now. Tomorrow? The thing is I never know where JC’s going to be. I don’t follow him or anything but it’d be nice to know when I’m ready to do it. I’ve only seen him once and I’m talking about now. I just can’t do it. I really don’t know what’s wrong with me. This fucker basically has my life and all that comes with it and here I am, plain girl from Calabasas, and that’s it. There’s nothing to my life.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve tried to work for my dreams and in the end, it wasn’t worth it. No one gave me a chance. It wasn’t as easy as being hot and dancing your way to 10 million records. I mean, come on, how easy is that? A monkey can do it given he had a tux and a lisp.

But all I can do is stare. Again, don’t ask me if it’s a matter of being attractive. He’s just, ugh! There are so many reasons to march over there and beat the shit out of him. He’s touching her leg; it’s just not my day. I can’t just sit here and watch him.

I have to force myself to go over there and do it. It’s now or never. OK, right now.

"Are you Ok?" I jumped at the silvery voice behind me.

He had this amused look on his face. Not a nosy one like I had, just an overall curiosity.

I gave a flat smile, "Yeah, just, yeah I think I need some water."

He offered his untouched bottle to me, "Here, you can take mine. Are you feeling sick?"

I felt so embarrassed I couldn't look directly at him but I could feel his eyes staring me down. "No, don't know really. Maybe its too early for me."

He checked his watch and looked at me, "Its almost 10. I normally don't get up really early, not that 10 is that early or anything. My ex-wife and my son needed me."

Guess that answers the married inquiry. He seemed a little out of place but I just met this guy, hell I don't even know who he is.

"I see. I didn't mean to be sorry, I didn't mean to pry. I normally don't listen to people I don't know. Sorry, I'm being extremely rude. I'm Amelia..."

I stuck out my hand for him to shake. He graciously excepted, "Brian. Man, its been a while since I formally introduced myself to someone new. Kind of weird."

"I know, its always odd whenever I say my name. It's a weird feeling. Like I'm in a bubble or something." I laughed at my lame attempt at humor.

I guess he felt sorry so he joined me in the laugh. "Just at first. It's like, hey, its so new and this is how you're supposed to do this. Honestly, I can't deal with formalities. It's so awkward. But I was raised this way and I'd rather be nice and make a good impression then come off as some egotistic jerk."

I nodded, sipping the last of my latte and shaking the cup with the ice inside it. He had a point and I liked that off the bat. He was an honest guy, I could tell. "Let me guess... somewhere in Kentucky? Were you born there?"

He sipped his tall hot latte and nodded affirmatively, "Pretty much. Lexington was where I grew up. But I traveled so much in my life so I feel like mostly, anywhere I go can be home. I feel like I've lived 2 lives sometimes. Do you ever get that feeling?"

I wished I could relate. The last thing I could afford was gas to San Diego. I wasn't much for veering out of the state. You sort of need money for that. "Not really. I've lived most of my life here and I feel like its one of the most boring places out there. I say one of the most because there are some good things about but its a fallacy. But hey, that's like second date material anyway. Or as I like to call it, the date where you can slowly let your stomach out."

Again, it was rank but Brian was being a nice guy. I smiled at the way he was glancing my way. Just a few moments I wanted to drop kick an asshole but I figure there's always time for that when I feel like it. Naturally.

---

JC’s POV

OK, this had to be the 3rd time I’ve seen that girl in the same spot around the same time. Was I being stalked again? Oh man, Danniella keeps whispering shit in my ear and all I want to do is stab her in the eyes. I just want some peace. Am I dreaming too big? I know what these girls want and I give it to them. What more can you want? Is that weird to like that stuff? Ok, I’m getting insecure about it again. I get drained just listening to this girl yammer and believe me its pure yammering. It gets tiring just listening to girls talk about themselves; oh man, why me? Does that make me an asshole that I think that? Probably, but I don’t give a shit.

Good god, I can only pretend to read the same passage on the front page of the paper for so long before we go back to my place. But its too early for that. Oh man, just thinking about it now scares me. I hate it when they talk after it. I think most women talk so we can finish the job. Which is stupid because I'm more interested in coming before her anyway. No problem, this'll be like anybody only really no strings attached. I don't care for any sounds unless they're moans. Shouldn't be that hard. That's one way to get all this frustration out. I love it. Its such a rush to my head that I forget all the other shit that bugs me.

But why was I so frustrated? I don't get it. A second ago I was fine. I was almost too calm. But I don't know, I'm feeling mad.

Just look at her, chatting away with that O-Town jack off like it's the best conversation they've had. Makes me heave at the sight. I mean come on, from the neck up, she's about 5 maybe a 6 and he's, dare I say it, way out of her fucking league. Didn't they just meet too? Why are they getting so close so fast? Why am I caring? I got my own shit to deal with. But fuck, she just... so... average to me. So boring and really not worth getting to know. Pretentious and just blah. I can't believe how interlocking they are. It's simply a disgusting comeupins.

Her eyes are the scariest part about her. So not my type. I usually like them like me. Body type is everything. Skinny, compact, and easy to pick up for easy positions. It's important. Skinny is everything.

This girl is about 30 pounds overweight, frumpy, and way too confident for her appearance. I've hated when ugly girls were sure of themselves, its not right. Society won't except it and I certainly don't care for things like that. It's like they always act like they're better than everyone else. Plus, she looks like one of those people that get ugly with age. It skives my skin to know that she's stereotypically unpleasant to look at.

Just look at her. Ugh, and now she's pretending to have one of those low, Mariah Carey throaty laughs. It pains me that Brian's actually eating her up. Ew, not a good image; that was over share. What does she have to offer other than rank, and puke inducing antics. OK, I'm a little peeved at the idea that someone like her is just, ugh, why? One word comes to mind that pretty much sums her right up: dull.

I feel Daniella pull at my arm and I jerk my head slightly but go back to what I was doing. "What?"

"JC, come on. You're not even reading that stupid paper. You look really distracted. Why don't we just get out of here? Marmalade's open now at The Grove. I'm starving." She pulls my arm again and I sighed.

Girls eat? That's news to me. Where does it go I wonder. Stupid question but its funny to think about I think. I giggle and she looks at me funny. OK, I roll my eyes and take her hand.

"OK, come on. I'm ready to leave anyway." I concluded and we stood up, disposing of our remaining garbage.

I can't help it. I look over again. Ugh, just leave it alone. I've been just waiting to tell her what I really think since I saw her. What I really wanna know is why is she still pretending? Doesn't she know people see through fake confidence? It just bothers me. She's such a liar every time she smiles. It looks like one of those smiles that could mean a million things. But its obvious what its really supposed to mean. Doesn't she realize that she's just making it worse for herself? Why is she even bothering to to try?

Besides, last I heard Brian was separated from his ex-wife but they're getting together from what I hear. What makes her even think for second she has a chance in hell? She needs to check herself... in some porker rehab facility. What a loser.

"JC, come on now." Daniella shook me from my out-of-it trance.

If she didn't say anything, I would have caused a scene and believe me, that girl was going to get it big time. Brian wasn't going to go for someone like her. He had Leighanne. A fucking playboy supermodel! How do you fuck that shit up? If I were him, I'd bail now while he still has his balls intact. OK, that sounded a little gay. Now I know why Perez Hilton and people such like that think I smoke the pickle.

Uhoh, I forgot I was staring again. She was in the middle of a giggle fit when she caught me. No one could miss me. I was openly gawking in her direction. OK, I better walk out the the 7th circle of hell before things really heat up. Fuck, didn't I just miss my chance to fuck with her? Oh well, there's always time to do that on my own time. No rush. That's the beauty of knowing the truth, you just need a plan to execute.

Amelia’s POV

You know that new sensational feeling you get when you know you’re met someone amazing in such a short amount of time? Try saying that without coming up for air. Well, it’s happening, and right now, it feels just great.

Who would have thought just 30 minutes ago I was all Sonya Blade on JC and now all I want to do is hang out with a Backstreet Boy. Talk about a switch-a-roo?

Ok, this was a habit had growing up but I still love nothing conversations. My definition of that is, you know, those instances where there really isn’t a theme of topic of conversation. You kind of wing it and it’s the best feeling out there. Knowing the other person understands how lame you’re capable of being. It’s a thing of beauty.

Brian has this thing he does with his eyes when I mention something inappropriate. He turns into a cartoon character in a split second. He’s a goofy guy. Life definitely needs more of those. I kept laughing at everything we said and I’m not one who laughs on a daily basis.

I have to be real here, and I don’t live under a rock as I say this; I was never a fan of The Backstreet Boys. I mean, they had pretty decently written songs. Much better than cyber sex and space cowboys. What the fuck is up with that? Anyway, in fact, I may have related to a song or two along the line. But I never thought too much about them. I guess he was relieved to know I don’t know his basic stats. Really, I couldn’t keep up with all the gossip.

Maybe Brian thought it was refreshing that I was out of the funk. Pop music is what it is. I’m more into classic rock. The Who, early Stones, Aerosmith, and some modern bands like The Goo Goo Dolls and Vertical Horizon. I love bands with great songs. That stuff will last forever and we never get tired of hearing them. It’s really all about the words, melody, and the style for me. That’s what makes a great song. I’m not so much into that tattooed shit I mean I hate Tommy Lee impersonators. To me, they’re mostly all about sex and money. There’s no room for talent and whatever talent they have is usually thrown away on groupies and drugs. It’s so typical honestly.

I like songs that I can relate to. I tried my hand at writing some rock cords but I could never write the actual music and composition. I guess my writing style is more like Mariah Carey than anyone else. Her style is pretty much free verse poetry and real poets (not the slit your wrist kind and I forever worship Satan) know exactly how to capture feelings as opposed to straight out telling a story with dialogs. Oh man, I hate it when someone writes spoken words in a song; it takes me right out it no matter how good it was so far. It’s like hey; it’s a song you douche, if I wanted to hear spoken words on a recording I’d buy an audio book.

But oddly, we didn’t talk about music this time. He was telling me about a story about when he was his son’s age and since he was from the south, there’s normally a lot of details and dialogue. It’s funny how people there are great storytellers. I also didn’t know Kevin was his cousin, I’m guessing from marriage because they look nothing alike.

He’s a good father. Its odd saying that so soon but I feel it. He mentioned that he doesn’t get to see Baylee often and when he does, it’s the best feeling in his life. I can’t say I know what makes a good father really but I can speak for is me. My dad was, when I was very young, there for me more than my mother. She could careless about where I was or what I was doing. She was more into how old she looked. The typical Tippi Hedren of our generation and she had no shame about it. She watches a lot of Dr. 90210 and used makes me write down the doctor’s name for future visits. The more she asked me about her age, the older she looked in my eyes. She really is a hot mess minus the hot part of the equation.

I know I said my dad was there for me but he wasn’t any better either. I mean, yeah, he took me to all kinds of places but his heart wasn’t into it. It was almost like he was there in body but for all the wrong reasons. I guess he felt compelled to do it. But I think most Dads feel that way about their daughters. The ones that think it was all an accident but they do it to sleep at night.

He was pretty much an apathetic guy and I hated it. I finally understand that and its complete bull shit because that’s the way he wants it. He put the distance there and I just stood back and let it took it without question. Mainly because I didn’t know why I knew he was getting away with it. Never changes and you wish you had strength in those key moments to speak up.

The thing about people I’ve learned so far is that no matter what you can do, you really can’t change free will. Its normally given to the unstable ones. Some people don’t have that luxury in life. Thank god I don’t live in that mindset regardless of what I’ve been through, I never wanted to end it all. I always knew there was more for me and I wanted to bath in that thought for the rest of my life.

Brian wasn’t the type of guy to straight up lie. Again, you’re scratching your head on this but hear me out, I read people very carefully. I’m not paranoid or anything just; I pick who I let in my life and there are so few which is better than nobody or being around the wrong crowd. I’m not holding anything against it if he doesn’t tell me personal things but so far that’s what it’s been. He still wears his wedding band strangely. I didn’t want to say anything about that. I assume it’s ultimately up to him and its not my place to pry or know why.

We were walking around a trail and reached Serrania Park . This used to be a place I went to a lot in my childhood. It was always so quiet and tranquil here. There was so much life and people from all kinds of places bringing their families and pets coming here to relax. I haven’t been here in 5 years. I used to go there by myself sometimes; I don’t want to say to escape, that sounds like I had a bad childhood, although, while it wasn’t the worst, it could have been better.

I used to go there every Saturday when my parents were pretending to be together. But honestly, it wasn’t very important in my life. In fact, it was one of the best things that happened.

We were walking along the park trail and I suddenly stopped at how elevated we are. I didn’t realize most of the bright colors in the sky were seeping downward. It was almost as if they all joined together to settle somewhere else.

There was this Monet-like picture straight of a canvas that nearly made the sky looked like they were on top of each other. It was such a beautiful site. This wasn’t just any sunset. I’ve never seen prism colors like this in a long while. They were blended together looking like a picture perfect scene from Casablanca or some romantic outing. This was like one of those images that just burns in your mind; breathtaking.

I almost didn’t want to talk but I had to say something.

“This view is just incredible… How often do you come here?” I asked with excitement sustaining in my voice.

“Gosh, I haven’t been around here since, well, Leighanne and I used to bring Baylee here all the time when he was very young. I didn’t know we were here.”

As did I. “I almost forgot this place was still around. It feels like a museum here now, it’s so old.”

Brian smiled, “I only knew about this place from Kevin. He said it’s one of the few places in LA that has a soul. I think because he took his son here too. Funny, things haven’t changed here one bit. It’s kind of nice actually.”

“I grew up here. It’s humbling to relive these things over again.” I laughed and moved some hair that the wind had blown in my eyes.

I huddled my shoulders and let my eyes wonder around at the various park benches. I noticed everything was pretty much where it was and it made laugh inside. I was so happy places like this weren’t destroyed and there was a chance to gain lost innocence back.

I looked in the back area even though it was always the one place where parents never let their kids go. I’ve heard a lot of stories about people, well, couples going there to fornicate and shit like that, which is completely weird and gross. A park is so public and that’s something I would see in a porno honestly. What kind of loser would do that?

 

“Oh my god?!” My eyes narrowed and my worst nightmares were coming true.

JC’s POV

 

“I don’t think this is a good place for this JC. Maybe we should go back to your place.” Eliza whistled in my ear.

 

I rolled my eyes and dragged to the spot I knew we wouldn’t be seen in. I had to have her. It’s like a sickness now. I had to have this at least 3 times a day or I go insane. I start yelling and biting at people until I get what I want. And what I want now is Eliza. I was glad she wasn’t filming today. I practically made her get a day off. I’m clever when it comes to my needs. I always get what I want.

 

In fact, I’ve been with Eliza for a while now come to think of it. She was the longest of my lays you’d think she and I were serious. Hell no. My life is too damn good to be wasting it with meaningless words and terms of endearment.

 

I feel like a hunter every time I do this and I keep coming back for more. The prey was the easiest. They’re like limply gazelles feeding off what I give them like as if I was vampire. But really, it’s what I get from them that matters. It’s the only reason I do it. For me… I see something I think is hot, I want it, I have it.

 

Life is so simple in those terms. I don’t have follow rules or worry about hurting peoples feelings. Anybody knows that if you get with me, this is what has to happen. I will never be tied down. It would probably take some big accident to change my mind. Even so, I highly doubt it will. I’m having too much fun living it up.

 

I really don’t give what anyone else thinks about my choices. It’s my life. Fuck you if you don’t agree. Comments just rolls off me like acid rain trickling down my skin. I knew I was going to win this time. I always had. She was under my spell, they all were.

 

I pushed her body against the tree and did my deeds. I didn’t want to strip her entirely. We weren’t making love; I don’t care to see the rest of it. I came to get what I wanted. I knew we wouldn’t be caught because I kept covering her mouth every time she screamed. Damn, she was a loud screamer.

 

“Hey, what do you think you’re doing?” Fuck, I knew that voice. Did I? Was it…?

 

Holy shit she was coming toward me like a long dart. Not now. Just when I thought I was not gonna get caught.

 

Why did she of all the 4 million people in the city have to confront me now? Who’s that with her? Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me?

 

“Hello?! Ron Jeremy, I’m talking to you to?” She got closer as she said this and that stopped me in my tracks.

 

I quickly pulled up my trousers and stopped everything. It was impossible to make up some lie now; she was probably watching us the entire time.

 

I tried to say something but Eliza ran off before I could get a word in. Damn it. Now she’s pissed and I got blue balls. Fucking aye.

 

She narrowed her eyes at me and pushed up against the same tree, “Bang your whores elsewhere. Got that? Oh wait, you don’t. Studs don’t think with brains first I should have known.”

 

“Amelia, wait up… What’s going on here?” Brian had to chime in at my chagrin.

 

That’s her name? I thought she died in a plane crash. What kind of a fucking name is that?

 

She looked in between us and gave me another hard push. “Absolutely nothing. Let’s go. If I see you around here again with your little trysts, I swear I’ll call the manager.”

 

I looked at Brian and smirked, “Keep the girl under a leash and don’t bring her out when it’s the monthly.”

 

Amelia slapped me super hard across my cheek and got up in my face. Man, if her eyes were scary before, they terrified me now.

 

“Try saying that again. You know what? This is fucked up, forget this shit.” She backed away and ran towards the parking lot.

 

OK, that was funny. A second ago, she was Buffy Summers, ready to do some damage and it’s like she recoiled because she seemed afraid of something. Her eyes looked right through me and she could have beaten me up. She seems like that dykey girl that likes to start shit with anyone.

 

Brian looked at me, “Finding it hard not to defend her when she calls out trash when she sees it; later man.”

 

He ran the same way she did and caught up with her outside the bathroom. I watched him take her hand and my fist clenched up in a ball. I hit the tree behind me in a new rage. Ugh, it just bothered me so much how friendly he looked with her? Am I on the same planet or didn’t they just meet? What’s with the touchy touchy? How close could they be in a day?

 

“This is so fucked up indeed. Why the fuck should I care so much? This bitch obviously doesn’t give two shits what I think? Why does it matter what I think?”

 

Then I realized I forgot about the reason I was here. Eliza. I dragged my body to the lot and ran around the square-shaped lot. We came in my car, where else would she go?

 

“Eliza?” I called out kind of in a stupid tone.

 

“I’m here, genius.” I turned around behind me and she playfully pushed me on my side.

 

It’s good to know she doesn’t hate me. Girls are so stupid and she’s clearly a girl. She pulled me back to the car and once inside, we finished the job.

 

That’s what it was to me, a job now. One that doesn’t pay but it certainly gets me a guaranteed bitch slap. Hopefully that’s a once time thing.

 

My pace increases and I get angrier the more I think about her eyes. Why was I so scared of them?

 

The white, hot energy hit me like a bolt jolting through my body as I screamed my orgasm, “Fuck, Amelia!”

 

Uhoh…

 

Eliza jumped up and pushed me off her. “Who the fuck is that?”

 

I wiped the sweat from my brow and turned to put on my pants inside the car. My face freezing from embarrassment as I searched for what to tell her. The real truth was, “Nobody."

Amelia's POV

The rest of the day I sat by myself. I needed to just relax from the outburst I didn't mean to have earlier. I guess people like that bring out the worst in me. JC needs to be severely castrated one day. But at least I got something out of the day. A guy. Man, I haven't met someone like him ever. He seemed a little too polite. But I didn't want to fret about it that part much. I knew who he was and I've made plans to see him again. I smiled as I remembered that last things we talked about.

"Do you remember the last time you thought about what you're going to say on a date? Or do you just wing it like me?"

He laughed, "I never really gave it much thought. All those things are a little weird anyway. I figure its a lot easier to fill the silences by trying to make her laugh. My ex-wife caught onto that in the beginning."

Yeah, he's still attached. Try not to get sucked in Mia. "Yeah, even if their not funny, trying to be funny was always my thing. I don't think I was ever decently good at anything else."

He turned around and stared at me "I'm sure that's not entirely true. We're naturally good at some things right?"

I shrugged, "Who knows? I guess a lot of us are more talented than we give ourselves credit for. I think that made more sense in my head. Heh, sorry."

He held my hand and smiled at me. I really feel like he was smiling at me. Everything was warm, I knew I was safe. The world was so still I almost wasn't sure if this was real or not. The way he was looking intimidated me a little. This was only the first day. But hell, this was crazy. Why was I freaking out over a stranger?

"Its OK. I don't know why I'm freaking out this much. I guess it really been a while since I knew what it all feels like again. Sorry for the excuses."

How did he know? I smile but cover it with my hand, "I thought that was my thing. Is this weird? Being this way around someone I barely know?"

"I honestly couldn't tell you. But I definitely wanna see you again. Or at least have fate bring us together just so we know its all legit."

I leaned in closer to his ear. I started to whisper something, "I think we don't have to worry about fate. We're doing OK."

I pulled back slowly and I felt his warms lips cover mine. Man oh man. I couldn't believe this. It had to have been maybe 5 seconds but it felt longer. My eyes were closed when I felt him pull back. I nearly nudged forward to finish what was started but I was so scared. Oh man, my body was shaking again.

"Wow..." I didn't have much to say as I sunk to the corner of the car.

I stared forward, silence taking over me as I thought about what just happened.

"Yeah, I, um, I'm sorry if I scared you I...."

I turned to him and put out my hand in a non-threatening way, "NO, I mean, no, Brian. I'm not scared. I think I was a little sad when you pulled away. I mean, well, it just happened quick."

He let a breath he was holding, "Yeah, it did. I actually meant to kiss you on your cheek but you turned your face a bit quickly, so..."

Everything in me shut down. I was upset but I couldn't show it. I couldn't show any emotion this early. I mean, come on. But it did bother me.

"Oh, I'm sorry." Why was I apologizing?

He shook his head, quietly speaking, "Its not your fault. It getting late though. Baylee's asleep now but I promised Leigh I would have a talk with her before it got too late."

Oh my god. I sank down in my seat. My face was so red it felt like I spent 10 years in the inferno. I don't think I could feel any worse than what I'm feeling now. My fingers clamped onto the handle lever.

He touched my shoulder gently. I turned around slowly, trying to hide my nerves as best I could. "I wanna see you again... Will you be at the cafe tomorrow?"

I nodded, feeling better, "Yeah, I will. Goodnight."

His hand slid down and touched my fingertips, bringing my hand to his lips, "I'll see you tomorrow. Goodnight Mia."

He kissed my hand and I slowly pulled away. I didn't want this night to end but I really had to go myself. I nodded my head and pulled open the door. I stepped out and closed the door behind me.

"Hey Mia," He spoke suddenly, catching me a bit off guard.

I tilted my head down to look at him through the rolled down window, "Mm?"

It looked like he wanted to say something but he was having trouble, "I'll see you tomorrow."

I smiled, understanding why he didn't want to ask me what he really wanted. I waved and turned around and began walking back.

My mind was calm and my heart warmed suddenly. This is what it was all about. The beginning of something. Happiness? Maybe.

I rolled over, pulling my hair out of my eyes. I sucked in my lip, something bothered me. A lot of things unanswered. But all I really had to do at this point was wait. This was going to be easy knowing Brian. He pretty much had the other half of my mind.

I only pray to the gods I don't see that vapid man whore again. Ugh, my fist tightened just picturing his perverted ass strutting by as if he own everything in sight. Next time I see him its scrotum pounding. He won't fuck for months after I'm done with him.

But hell, when's the next time that will happen? He's what I call the random asshole. That basically means the asshole appears out of nowhere and at the most inconvenient times. But seriously, I don't wanna say never but hell, what if I don't see him again? The only thing I'm seeing is Brian so I have nothing to worry about... Right?

JC's POV

I slept until 11:30 in the morning before I realized the day already started. I already knew what I was going to do so it didn't bother me. Good god. It was only a few days later from that little park incident. Did I had it coming? Maybe, but I'm so over it. Its not like I'm going to see her again. I've spend too much time freaking out over a lot of shit lately. Besides I didn't wanna worry about it when I see Eliza. I swear on my life we are not together like that. She knows exactly what I like and gives it to me and then some. If she's a good girl I like to help her out. But only when I'm in the mood. Which rarely happens. But tonight, I feel like a nice guy, who gives a fuck? I'm perfect, she knows it. Every girl I touch knows it.

I told her she should grab something to eat before she came over. Its not like its a date or anything. I mean, can you imagine that shit? Going through life on a fucking leash? Catering to all their needs without blinking an eye. Are ya kidding me? What do these bitches take me for? I don't belong to anyone and they all know that. All the women, they don't own me. Fuck no. The game is not played that way. Over my dead body. I mean, honestly can you imagine what married and settled men these days go through? I really don't know how some get up in the morning and deal with those sounds. All that fucking complaining and shit could really destroy a man's soul. Depressing I say. But I digress, I'm happy and fuck whoever disagrees.

Including Amelia. She doesn't know anything about me. How does a woman that boring looking get up the nerve to be that self-assuring? I mean, what the fuck is up with that mentality? Its as if she thinks she can get away with what she says and fawn over Brian like some skanky upfront slut in the middle of a drinking binge on spring break. What a fucking moron.

I get up and take a hot shower. Damn did I need it. Anything to get my tracker off the witch on wheels. Its safer this way. God, I really hate that bitch. Fucking scary ass eyes and that messed up hair. What the fuck? Does she think that's some kind of look or statement? Jeez, how could Brian look twice at that?! I don't know what's going on with that. I guess Brian's in a crisis or something. Or maybe that dude really is downgrading because his life isn't as great as mine. If I had gotten married as young as he, I would have probably been with ugly chicks to make me look better. I mean, marriage is just messed to begin with. How can any men put just one woman higher than anything else in life?

I'll never understand what goes through their minds when they get down on their knees. If anything else, the only thing they should be doing is taking care of what they want first. I mean how are they gonna make it out alive? They won't. They'll all end up like Brian and his sorry excuse for a chick. Like she even registers as a chick to me. I thought Alanis Morrisette looked manish. Good god.

Ah, thank god. That was a nice shower. I walked over to my machine and pushed the button. The usual boring shit droning on JC's machine. Oh, how cute, she wants to go out to dinner and a movie. Than she wants my cum inside her and a fucking white house with green shutters and matching soccer mom vans. Bitch please. Next... OK, I've been getting a lot of three-ways and god, why is it when girls wanna do those things its never the pairing you want? Why is it always another guy? There is no way in hell I'm gonna be in all my glory in front of another jack off trying to mack on sloppy seconds. Shit no. So what is I sound bitter? I'm not nor I will be even a little gay. There's been enough rumors of that as is. That's not a way to kill those I think.

Cheyenne, who's that? She's having a party? Oh yeah, she was that rich chick that I met through T-Pain. I can't remember, was she half black? I don't think it really matters, she was hot and she gave it up. I got what a wanted. She's having a party huh? Ugh, I'll get back to her. She can wait just like everyone else. I can do whatever I want. It’s how I always did things in my life. Want, take, have, with a wink of course. Can’t stress that enough.

The next one came from my mom. I rolled my eyes and pressed forward. We get along but she checks on me way too much I think. Its hard to tell her to stop. Plus she really wants me to settle down. She says it’ll be good in the long wrong. I guess she loves me but it is a bit much. But I suppose most mothers are like that. Least the days of her stalking my every move are over. Thank god. There were times when I was hanging out with friends, doing just harmless things in high school, but I had to report everything I did to her. But I was a kid then. Plus when I was doing the show when I was 16, she gave me a little slack. But she did worry.

I’ll get back to family business later. If it was truly important, I’d get a call on my cell urging me to get back to her now. I’ll let it slide for now. She knows the rules. Besides, I think being retired anyway frees up a lot of extra time. I love my mom, she’s amazing, just in small doses.

Ugh, its like I was gone for a year or something. I think everyone I know decided to call me at the same time just for the hell of it. What a fucking waste. I just feel like chucking the machine out the window now, but it’s another waste. Important people do call me, I need it. Especially for the girls if anything. How else am I gonna do what I do?

Party huh? When did she say it was? Tonight? I checked again and I was right. So soon? Well maybe Eliza won’t mind I change our plans. Who know how many might get tonight? It’s a thing a beauty as I go over the idea. Damn, that’s like heaven.

Enough thinking about it, the plan is set. Oh, I just love my life.

I grabbed the phone off its hook and dialed Cheyenne. “Hey girl, what’s up, its C. Yeppers, I got it. Hey, I’m coming but I’m bringing some company. Sweet, chat later.”

I grinned and laughed as I sped off to get ready. Life is so sweet.

Amelia’s POV
 
“Why am I doing this? Why or why am I putting myself through this?” I said in a tired tone to myself while I took a look in the mirror.

Man, there’s a lot of things that’s wrong with the way I look. I’ve had these kinds of body issues since middle school. Am I not sounding like the typical teen here only I’m no longer one. I guess its nerves and I really don’t want to come off tawdry.

“I think this is it. Has to be, I’ve tried on everything else.” I fixed my hair so it wasn’t so much in my face.

I picked up my favorite purple shapes earnings and fit them in. I always liked them. I had them since I was ten. I was thrown a surprise party by the girls who I thought hated me in the 5th grade. It didn’t turn out so bad after all. I wish I could say I had friends for that long. I think its amazing that some people can say they’ve had friends since kindergarten or grad school. For the life of me, I couldn’t hold on to any of them. As soon as the culmination ended, no one spoke to me again. I did blame it on me. The fact that I did have the latest converse high-top, or that that I never wore pretend make-up, or that at that point, I’ve never kissed anyone, did help matters either.

My family never had any money to buy me all the nice things growing up. I didn’t know what spoiled was. Everyday my parents were the biggest penny pinchers I’ve ever known. I think they could have tried harder sometimes but I was so young then I didn’t know the difference. I always thought what we had was decent enough to get by. Looking back, it was a sad time.

I was interrupted by my cell, I reached for it. “Hello?”

“Hey, I’m outside, are you about ready?” I smiled, Brian.

“Yeah, I’ll be outside, hold on.” I clicked off and threw the cell in my purse.

I turned around, giving myself another painful look. Why am I doing this again? This is as good as it gets. I have a guy who wants to see me. Why worry so much? Maybe because I might not have another chance; I really don’t want to mess things up by being such a paranoid weirdo. I can’t afford another disappointment in my life.

Well, here I go. Taking a risk. A big one. I almost couldn’t breathe. Damn, here come the butterflies. I don’t think these are the good kind.

OK, I straightened myself a little bit. God, whenever I do that, I realize again how bad my posture is.

“Get over it. If he likes you, it doesn’t matter.” Can’t believe I’m still doing these pep-talks.

I turned around and jogged to the front door. I did a double take before I opened the door. I pulled it open and stepped outside. Brian’s car was waiting in the driveway. He had the car on still and the radio turned up to some rock music I couldn’t recognize. He saw me as I was coming up close and turned off the radio.

I see him get out of his side and come over to me just before I reach the door.

I know my face got all red, but since it was sundown, he couldn’t tell.

“Hey,” He said, with his Kentucky drawl.

He took my hand gently and held it. “Hey, I’m sorry to keep you waiting.”

He shook his head and leaned in to whisper in my ear, “Good to see you again. You look really nice.”

I blushed and turned away a little. Guys really don’t know what we go through on dates. Least he noticed.

“Thank you. So where are we going?” I followed his lead to the shot gun seat.

He paused for a moment than he leaned against the back of his car. “How do you feel about the beach? Have you been to Gladstone’s?”

“Actually, no but I’ve always wanted to check it out. Do you think it might be busy tonight?” It being Saturday and all.

He shook his head, “No, we’re kind of early actually. I was thinking some dinner first and a walk along the shore. What do you think?”

“That sounds perfect.” I almost couldn’t believe what I said.

Brian leaned off the car and opened that seat for me. I smiled as I sat inside the plush interior.

Something wasn’t right. Well, didn’t feel all quite real. I felt the car move and I knew then we were leaving. I clutched onto my purse a little tighter as I looked out the window, thinking. I don’t really know what I’m thinking about anymore.

My mind spaced a little. This happens whenever I start thinking about my home life. A lot of what happens in my life are too good to be true sometimes. Was Brian? God, guys are so confusing. I feel like any moment, he’ll suddenly disappear without word. Stop calling. Make random excuses on how he needs to work like his life depended on it.

All of this is possible. I feel like there’s more I’m leaving out. But I think I’m just being my paranoid self. Maybe he’s different. But then again, have I not said that before? Jesus, nothing has happened yet and already I’m freaking out. I really have to learn to be a little more trusting.

“Mia, honey, we’re here, hello?” I felt his tap sting me out of my day dream.

“Hey, oh, I’m sorry about that.” I heard commotion on the sand near the restaurant. “What’s that?”

I moved around to get a better look. Apparently it looked like a club party. Now of all nights? Must I deal with assholes at this moment? I rolled my eyes and turned to face Brian.

He was just laughing, “Man, I forgot today was Saturday. Usually this place has some kind of beach party. Nick’s been to a lot of them. He did say something about going tonight. I should have known. Sorry, I didn’t know. We can go somewhere else if you want?”

Something tells me I don’t want to miss this. “No, let’s go. Just keep our distance.”

---

I took off my heels and stepped into the sand, sinking my feet into the soft grains. I always get scared whenever I step into the sand. I feel like I’m going to sink under.

“Having fun with that?”

I kicked a bunch of sand in his direction. “Oh, of course; everything I do is fun.”

What a way to sound like a ho genius.

“Is that so? Has it been a while?”

I looked at him through confused eyes as we started walking down the shore. “What has?”

He shrugged his shoulders, “The beach, taking a brake from life.”

Honestly, “Last time I was at a beach I was with my mom. We used to actually wake up every day and take our to Venus. I just got so used to waking up I started begging her to go.”

“Why did you stop going?”

Here we go, bring on the sob fest, “She passed away when I was 16. Lung cancer.”

I felt him take my chilly hand and instantly warmed it. God, he was so warm.

“I’m sorry. Can’t imagine what that must be like. What it’s still like.”

He was trying, I get it. But I don’t really think about it anymore. I don’t really know how to define death. It is what it is. I’ve moved on. I’ve done ok.

“Thank you, its ok. I’m doing alright with it. She’s still here.” I pulled my hair out of my eyes with my free hand.

“Ok, if you wanna talk about it, I’m here. I’m glad you’re alright.” He squeezed my hand slightly.

“Thank you. So what about you? You close to your family?”

He paused for 15 seconds, almost like he had to really think about his answer, “Yeah, my family is very important to me. I think Baylee is the reason I’m more connected than ever to my family. He’s such a great gift in my life. He’s changed me into the best person I can be. Now I know what most fathers mean by that. He’s growing up, its just amazing.”

I had to hold back my tears at this. The way he was talking with such emotion about his son, I’ve never heard it before. I wanted to give him a big hug for how he’s talking. This is what a man sounds like. They know who they are. There’s no pretending, no fallacy or excuses. Its just honesty, love, compassion, and selflessness. I only wish he were cloned so I can have him for the rest of my life.

Can you just imagine that? The possibility of someone wanting to hang around you because of you? Its insane to admit it out loud so I’ll just keep it locked in my thoughts for now.

I wanted to ask him something I’ve been meaning to ask him for a long time.

Just as I turned to look at him, I was knocked to the ground with such a force I almost didn’t know what happened. Everything was black and I went to sleep.

JC’s POV

“Fuck!” I just smashed against something hard.

I slowly rubbed my face and started to stand up slowly. My eyes were blurry and I could barely see two inches in front of me. I closed my eyes, opened them up again, and finally focused.

Oh shit, not again! Why is she stalking me? “What the fuck is this?”

Brian just looked at me with no expression on his face and turned his attention back to her.

“Come on,” he whispered, helping her up.

Brian continued ignoring me and picked her up toward the bench. I heard him say something like “hey, are you ok?” to her. She was still out of it as she sat down. She looked dizzy and her eyes were still closed. Her hair dragged around her face as she was coming to. Moans escape her lips as she fainted on Brian’s lap, her arms hung loosely at her side. Was it really that bad? Did I really hurt her? She has to be pretending. I couldn't have hit her that hard.

I rubbed my shoulder and looked between them. Why was he touching her like that? She’s not dead. I know I didn’t kill her; this is ridiculous.

I rolled my eyes, surrendering in my own way, “It can’t be that bad. Look, I’m sorry ok? I didn’t know she was there.”

Brian looked up, a menacing look in his eyes cast in my direction. He looked like he wanted to deck me. If looks can kill, I just died now. I was shaking underneath. He dropped his head down, looking back at Amelia.

I came closer, no idea what I was doing now. She laid there, quiet, her eyes still closed as I look in between them. He starts brushing the back of his palm against her face and around her cheek. She moans into the gesture and moves slightly. Her forehead creases and she brings her hand up to touch it.

“Damn, what just happened?” She slowly started to open her eyes.

Brian shook his head, “Are you alright? How’s your head feeling?”

More moans, ok this should not be affecting me like this. She sat up on her own and moved to the corner of the bench, her hand still holding her head as if to keep it in place.

“What happened?” She spoke in a whisper.

Brian turned to me. Oh no. Amelia looked into his direction and narrowed her eyes right at me.

“Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me? What the fuck do you get the nerve?" She raised her voice as she stood up.

My eyes bugged out and I held my hands up in protest, "Look, I said I was sorry. I have no nerve. Did you ever think that it might be your fault?"

She got closer suddenly and I didn't back up. She looked me up and down as I gulped a little louder than I intended. God, I hate to admit this but, I kind of like how angry she looks. I could feel myself sweating on the inside. She held this gaze until she scanned up to my eyes.

"You're right, this is all my fault. It's my fault you're an asshole, its my fault you're a fucking man whore, and its also my fault that I made you crash your waste of space body into mine. All my fault. You caught me. Thanks for the heads up jackass." She spat at me.

God, she's like a feline. All this anger. She certainly has a lot of energy to care what I think. Maybe I want her to care. Who am I kidding though? She doesn't really care, especially with the way she's burning a hole into me with those dark, midnight eyes.

I laughed, waving off her antics, "Whatever. Just stay away from me if you can. See ya around Brian, say hi to Leigh for me?"

I turned around and started walking again. Felt cooler for sure. The sweat off my forehead started dissipating away. I regained the body functions that had closed down previously.

"You won't get away with this." I heard behind me and smirked.

Oh how I love her feistiness. Its fueling this game to continue. And it is a game of course. She knows that I won't get away with this, because we will meet again. And next time, its her that sweats and pines for me. Yeah, that's right. Its her turn to suffer. But hey, I love I that we hate each other. Its a thing of beauty. Keeps things exciting, less boring. I never know what's going to happen. Makes more sense. I enjoy playing games. I really do. And I'll definitely enjoy playing them with her.

Before she knows it, she'll be obsessed just like they all are.

With that thought, I jogged back to the party. I think I left my drink somewhere.

I scanned the area where most of the people were. Huh, this is weird. No surprise everything is in a mess. Its like a scene from Sixteen Candles here. Thank god it ain't my place. But weird, where did everyone go? I had a feeling that as soon as my back was turned, everyone just decided to leave without me. God, this is what happens when you're sober, you remember how shitty and lonely you are and everything else.

But hell, I ain't lonely one bit. I got a couple numbers for the night I'm all set. Can't wait to have some real fun.

I looked up and walked inside from the balcony and shut the door. I jammed my hand inside my pocket and fished for the piece of paper I needed. Lord knows I needed it now.

I flipped it over and smiled as I read the numbers. This is living. I have a great life. I really do. I really don't need people like Amelia stalking me just because she's so jealous she can't see straight. In fact, I'm actually going to forget her. Yeah. This is what's going to happen. I intend to not think about anything to do with her.

Maybe a phone call would seal the deal now. I slumped down lazily onto the sofa behind me and looked at the number. God, those numbers were looking big. This usually happens when nearly or have in the bag. But I barely had anything to drink. Even if I did, I still wouldn't think twice. Just, I don't know. Weirdness now. All fucking weirdness. I never second guess this shit. What the fuck is going on? It was like my functions stopped working.

I feel like I'm losing it. Oh no, here it comes.

"Shit..." The back of my head started to sting again.

I moaned in slight pain. Damn, why was this coming back now of all times? Besides, didn't I hit my shoulder? Damn, this headache was too strong this time.

"Brian, Bri, stop, haha, no stop it. Its too fast, heh." Oh god I was doing so good for 5 minutes.

I jerk my head to the voice and I was confirmed. Good god, what was she in, fourth grade? How disguising was this? I still cannot believe Brian has suck so low with this one. He's gonna leave her. He knows, I know, she knows. He is. How do I know this? Because I know. I'm always right.

Oh god, how much longer should I subject and risk my sight to this display of gross "affection"? Either she's really strong or he's just letting her pin him down like that. This is so messed up I can't believe its happening. I can't believe someone is actually touching her.

I wonder what it would be like if we matched each other. I'd so win. Girls will never be stronger than me. And please, just because she's woman, I won't think twice about giving it to her good. There are no free-bes if it came to that. But I digress of course.

Fighting, just us fighting. Yeah, that would seem a lot better forcing my fingers to dial up these girls for something quick and fun. I'm in the mood for a good fight.

Jeez, I can't watch this and think about touching her at the same time. To fight. Touching her to fight. And why is he looking at her like that? Seriously, why?

I wish I could hear what they're saying to each other. Its all quiet now. Their movements and motions were decreasing. She apparently was laughing so hard she fell down taking him with her. Everything was starting to slow down and they were leaning in...

Ok, this has to stop if I was going to not see my lunch. But I couldn't look away. All I felt was anger. Anger and frustration.

I breathed out loud as Brian stopped leaning. She sat up instantly and hugged her legs. Hmm, wonder what went wrong? He actually stopped it? Granted she really isn't a vision but still, there was a moment there. I've been through those moments. Way back when of course. But when I didn't just make the first move and dive right in. I don't even ponder those moments anymore. Being serious and respectful is for saps.

Still, I wonder why he didn't finish the job? Ugh, what I saw next made me gag big time. He took her hand and placed a kiss on it softly, smiling as he did so. Uh, what was the reason for that? Does he not have balls? Damn, if that was me, well if that was in fact me, girls are girls. They all react the same way. They want it just as much as you do if not more.

But even so, why did he stop himself? He reached his hand up toward her cheek and rubbed it gently. Jeez, what a pussy. Why is acting like he... cares? If he cared, he wouldn't stop himself. All I'm saying. Be a man. Own up to that shit and claim it just like any other guy would. Not me. Just any other guy.

Ok, maybe me. Ok if it was me, I sure wouldn't react that way. Maybe if I was questioning my sexually or something. I hate chasing them. Always have. Chasing means you've surrendered. You've been tagged. You're their pet. You've given into to their needs as opposed to what you want and need. Fuck that. It's all about me. I don't belong to anyone, they belong to me. I own everybody and I always get it no matter what.

It wasn't always like this though. Well, being in control as I put it. Why was I being forced to live in a cage? I asked myself that for so long. I'm only 33 and I feel like I'm really not hanging onto my youth as well as I used to. I reacted a different way. I believed in their fantasy. All the wild hype, the dreaming when I was in high school; all those memories I believed in once upon a time. Made me feel more alone than ever because then I had to trust someone. Trust them with my life.

Its the worst feeling in the world when you realized you aren't really living in a world you thought was real. Almost like the rug was pulled from me as soon as I started to really put my entire passion into it. What a waste I tell you. What a horrible waste of my feelings. Yeah, that's right, I HAD feelings. Still do. Just not as many as I used to. Who needs them when you can not think about how much things hurt all the time. And I know what you're thinking. But I don't really need anyone pointing it in my face. I've made this decision a while ago and I haven't rethunk it since. I live my life the way I choose to. No one holds me down.

I know exactly who I am, anyone who doesn't like it, well, who the fuck cares?

Man, just look at her. I couldn't tear my face away, this is messed up. Now, he's making the move. Weird.

"This is fucking useless. I'm watching this girl like I'm obsessed. Just call the number. Do it." Good god, now I'm talking to myself now.

I did it fast and I got her message. Fuck that, I never leave messages but I was leaving one like a pussy this time. My god. Why can't I do this simple thing?

I looked back at the shore, they were gone. I pinned my eyes shut. This girl doesn't even know what she's done to me. And it sucks. I never thought I'd feel this way again. I really have to stay away from them now. I can't possibly feel this way. No way.

She's with Brian. He has her. And I'm alone. Am I missing something here?

Amelia's POV

I sighed, "I don't really think about it anymore. I wasted my time, a lot of my time just going over someone who's not even worth it. I'd rather think about myself for once. Things I want. Why waste it on someone who doesn't care? I don't know, I just think my time could be put to better use."

Brian rolled over on the bed so he was facing me. "I'm glad you're seeing that. Honestly, Mia, someone like him just likes to fight if you give him the attention. Believe me, I've been around all kinds of people just like him. Heh, you look like you're tired."

I shrugged, yes and no, "4 hours, more sleep than I've been getting for a long time. Why, how bad does it look?"

"I don't know. Just seems like your mind is somewhere else. What time did you wake up today?"

I sat up against the bed board. "Its in and out. But today it was 7:20 or something. I'm getting used to the cycle."

He moved closer to me, "That's gotta suck still. Have you ever tried meditating? Its pretty effective when I can't fully sleep. I don't know, its not for everybody. Just try shutting your eyes and not think so hard. It gets easier when you don't focus so hard on what worries you."

He is a godsend. I'm starting to love him. I sucked in my lower lip and popped it out like a child. Maybe he was right. He did have somewhat of a point. I didn't want to live in such clutter. I'm finding it less difficult to worry when Brian's around. It's different with him. I don't have to worry about what I say or what I'm wearing. Every women's dream. I speak for myself here.

"Yeah, I know. Do you ever really think about how much we worry? Man, I think I could write a thousand page book just on the last five years alone. How do you deal with stress like this? Do you think everyone's stress is the same?"

"Ah don't know, it could be. I guess its hard to think about someone else's stress when you're dealing with your stuff. But I think its all the same. I'm not thinking about that stuff right now. I'm with a nice girl I met at a coffee shop. Hung out with her all day. Still hanging out with her. I don't have to worry about anything."

My goodness, this is like straight out of a fairytale. I didn't know people still talked this way. Who am I to complain? It feels real. I only wish I could steal some of his strong will and be more secure. I didn't want to tell him how scared I was. I didn't want to spoil things now but spilling my entire truth now.

But its weird how much my fear has taken over my ability to be honest now. I don't--I can't live this way. The room was quiet and I soaked in the peacefulness. I brought my hands up to my shoulders and rubbed them gently. The air felt a little chilly suddenly.

I didn't shiver long. Brian's arm came around me and hugged my body against his.

"Sorry, normally I'm lukewarm. I think I might have left the window open." I whispered into his arms.

His breath on my neck was so warm and his lips brushed against the bottom. I moaned gently, I couldn't help it. I think I felt myself melting into the touch.

"I'm really tired. I feel like my eyes are gonna drop before I notice it. I can't believe I'm this tired." I closed my eyes as I admit this.

He kissed my cheek, lingering there for a long moment. "Do you want me to stay?"

I turned my head, closing in the gap of small space between us. "Yes... I do."

His eyes jogged up and down my face as he smiled. "Hold on..."

He released himself from the grip and took off his jacket, followed by his socks, shirt, and jeans.

Wow. Ok, I must have forgotten that people don't sleep in as many clothes. I guess it was my turn to change too.

Ok, I can do this without shaking. Thank god he wasn't touching or else he'd notice.

I sprung from the bed and walked over toward my dresser. I left my pants in the basket I think. Wasn't sure now. Can't really think straight right now. I sighed and opted to grabbing purple hot pants and a night tank. Not too revealing, right? Not giving off any mixed signals or slut alerts. At think I think so. Besides, I always slept like this. But Brian doesn't care. How great is that?

I held up the clothes and signaled to the bathroom, "Hold on one second."

He was looking between me and folding his clothes. After he finished, he placed them on the chair in the corner.

"Ok, take your time." He sat on my rolly computer chair twirled around.
I couldn't resist, I ran up to his twirling and stopped it.

I smiled and leaned down, "Don't get too comfy."

He reached up and brushed the back of his hand against my cheek. "Just waiting for the real comfort."

I rolled my eyes and turned around, walking back to the bathroom. I shut the door behind me and took in a deep breath as if I was crawling through the dense ocean coming up for air. Too good to be truth, right? All of this is. Well, not all of it. I'm starting to believe him. That's the scariness that lives at the pit of my stomach. The one I try so hard to ebolish. Words, words, words. Aren't they just solid, fanciful words? They should be, but its not like every other guy I've met. I've never felt this way before and I have to shut my eyes to calm down all these weird emotions. I have to step back and collect myself.

He's a friend. This is what I know. We get on quite well. We have a lot in common. Our personalities are pretty much linked up. He's a great listener. Certainly someone I would trust my secrets. He knows about my mother. I have never actually talked about it with anybody. My father couldn't care less. He's busy with new life with new wife #3. He wrote me off the day I came into this world.

But Brian, he's the kind of father I should have had. You know, actually, a sperm donor would have done more than my dad did. Brian is a real father. His whole face lights up every time he brings up his son. He makes every effort he has to see him. He's made him a man. Desperate his difficult marriage, least I haven't suspected anything yet, he seems pretty levelheaded and learned to get along with the mother of his child. I have never brought up Leighanne but when he does, I can't help but wonder. Are there any feelings left? Is anything still there? They were married for 10 years and have known each other for about 2 years before then. Plus, she's much older than him. Nearly 8 years I believe. Same as me actually. I can't help but think there's a history somewhere there. Something that I can't take away. I would really not like to be in the middle of anything like that. Its not my business to get involved that far into it.

I just want to be careful. That's all I'm out for. Not just myself but him. I don't want to hurt him or our friendship. I just want to trust him in my life.

I forgot it was dark in the bathroom. I just remembered what I needed to do and started to change.

I opened the door softly and peeked my head inside. He laid his back against the headboard and his eyes were closed. He looked so gentle I almost didn't want to move. I took my clothes I had bunched up in a ball and place them in my basket hamper. I'll take care of the load later. I feel like I'm going to faint now if I don't start a semi-normal cycle.

I walked over to his side and sat gingerly on an open spot. I just looked at him. He didn't move. His face was completely relaxed and peaceful. I can't imagine what its like walking in his shoes. I don't think for once I've ever sat and thought about what everyone else is going through. Sometimes people have it so bad they are so grateful to be breathing. I really shouldn't be complaining as much as I have. Looking at him now, I'm realizing that I shouldn't waste my time worrying about what JC thinks.

I have Brian. I have him here. Right here on my bed. He asked me to stay because he wanted to be here. He isn't running away.

My hand came up to his cheek, brushing against his skin. He surprised me and caught my hand, holding onto it. He slowly opened his eyes and gave a tired smile.

"Seems like I can't keep my eyes open either. Come lay with me." He speaks barely above a whisper.

I nod slightly and crawl on my side, still holding onto him. I was afraid if I let go he would disappear from my life. Just like that, its possible. People can just leave without you know. For that reason, I'm not letting go. I can't. I crawled next to him inside my covers.

"You think its bad to be weak?" I asked him, twitching my nose a little bit.

He started to laugh and hugged me tighter, "Probably not as much as you think. I know I can be. Sometimes a little too much. But no, I don't think that you are in a bad way. There's actually nothing really wrong with that. My parents didn't make me feel so horrible about being honest with emotions. In fact, my dad was more emotional than my mother sometimes. I don't think she knew that actually."

"I should really leg go of everything. Just not live in the past anymore." I took a deep breath, "You know?"

His even breathing seduced me in ways that I knew I was trouble. In fact, everything about him was so promising I just wanted surrender myself. Just for once. What would that be like? To make a promise and risk everything to trust them. But I have and I do trust him.

He feels so safe to me. I wanted him to want me. I wanted him to need me. I wanted him to love me. I wanted him. He doesn't know that. Maybe he doesn't or I'm not very obvious.

"You know, you don't have to feel so alone all the time. Its a dangerous thing to do to yourself. All I'm saying is you have me. And you have me whenever I want."

God, I'm just falling for him every second. I looked up at him and gazed, "Thanks, I'm working on not being so much of a tree-hugger. But you don't have to worry, things are alright for now."

He kissed my forehand and lingered on for a few seconds. "I can't help but protect you. I can't help myself."

I raised my head so I was level with his eyes. I brushed my lips against his which ignited him to move forward a little and return the favor. I closed my eyes in the moment, I felt like I was floating. I felt his hand cup the back of my head. He was so gentle and savory.

I pulled away, my eyes were still closed. In fact they were kind of hard to open now. This moment was perfect and I really didn't wanna do this but I had to.

I kissed him just slightly and opened my eyes. His were still closed. I smiled and touched his face.

"I'm turning off the light now, getting pretty tired," I had to, I kept repeating to myself.

"Ok," his eyes remained closed.

I nodded and moved to switch off the nightlight on my right. Once it was pitch black I felt myself fading. I got a little more comfortable inside the covers and turned to face his direction.

"Bri? Brian?"

"Hmm?" He whispered, lifting his eyebrows.

"Thank you, " I said sincerely, I really mean it this time.

I felt him move down the bed with me and come closer. It was safe. This is where I belong. This is home.

JC's POV

The usual hangover came at me like a ton of bricks to my forehead. Man, my temples started buzzing suddenly. I felt like I was super human. I could hear everything. I could feel my ears getting red and overheated. I forgot how it all feels suddenly. I don't remember ever drinking that much. I decided to lay in bed for a few more minutes. I could just feel everything aching; I knew if I stood up I would probably faint right on the spot. I opted to just relax instead.

I closed my eyes, trying to will this to cease for at least 5 minutes. I pulled the covers up over my body up to my neck. I was shivering now. All the usual shit that happens whenever I do this. Which is not everyday. I rarely go over my limit. The last time I drank like this much, my parents were in the middle of separating. I never thought I would do this to myself again. I remember blacking out a few times and then waking up, my face covered with tears. They would dry on my face because I never bothered to wipe them. Sometimes I forgot they were still there. I was so numb to everything around me.

Other than that, I'm still trying to figure out what's wrong with me. I mean, I have everything. I have the best life anybody can have. And I'm happy. Very happy actually. I'm in love with my life. I wouldn't trade what I have for anything. But, I'm still not quite together. Maybe because its been about 3 days since I had any. Maybe I'm in serious withdrawals. Yeah, that's probably it. And it had nothing to do with pretty boy Brian or his goth chick. Not at all. In fact, I was drinking because those party fuckers (who I called friends) left me alone in that shit hole beach house. Fuck them. That's the last time I go to a party without knowing if its legit. Whatever. I'm over it.

Who cares if she's with Brian? I don't. In fact, I don't really give if they suddenly eloped because he knocked her up. Don't. Care. One. Bit. I mean, even if I did, let's say I did, for whatever reason. I was smoking some nasty weed laced with some other shit. Hypothetically of course, let's say I did gave a second thought to what she's doing right now, well, I'd probably still like pick a nice healthy fight. I'm good at those. And I always win. Maybe things can get a little physical. Like say, I'd grab Amelia's waste in a haughty manner, then she'd slap me one good and hard. One hard slap outta send me over.

Then, I'd push her against the wall, pinning her there so she was helpless. Inescapable. I’ll make her surrender. I'd wanna make her squirm under me. She'd probably pound me on my chest with her fists, trying her version of beating the shit out of me. She knows all too well that I'm going to win. She knows how badly I want to win. How much I wanna see her turn into mush. Make her scream. Shout my name out loud. She'll deny it. She'll completely deny me, oh no question. In fact, she wouldn't stop the flood of insults. Saying its not true. She doesn't feel anything. I can't make her feel anything ever. She really doesn't know what I'm capable of. The things I could do to her. Just the sounds I could make come out of her alone, there's no doubt about my abilities over women.

But I'm only thinking one for now. I think deep down she wants it too. Her denial and jealousy clouds what she feels. She wants my life so bad she decides that's a good enough reason to hate me. Well, yeah, who could blame her really? Life is what it is. They all want it eventually. Some are just too good at hiding it. She certainly isn't. She wants it. Nobodys really thrive on our lifestyle so badly.

The phone starts to ring, and extra loudly. My head banged against the wall, I didn't realize it can get so loud. I didn't wanna answer it but I had to make it stop ringing. I picked it up and cleared my throat.

"Yeah?"

"C, where were you last night? We went back to the party and you weren't there. What the hell happened to you?" I had to take a few moments to register the familiar tone.

I pinched my eyes shut, it hurt like hell and everything seemed too bright. "Yeah, the party that everybody decided to leave me at? It was fucking boring anyway. Why are you calling me?"

A girl? Was I really saying that to a girl? Just hang up. You don't need this now.

"What the fuck? JC, why are you acting this way? I waited for you. I thought we were gonna have our usual fun?"

"Yeah, well, I don't really feel like seeing anybody right now since I was blatantly abandoned. Honestly, honey, take that ass of yours and go bother someone who gives a shit." I clicked off the line and turned off the cell, tossing it away.

Good god. I need a break. I really need to get rid of this headache first. I stood up finally. The effects were starting to somewhat wear off. Some good news at least.

I decided to take a long shower and just go somewhere. Maybe just drive to Malibu and sit somewhere. Close my eyes, listen to the wind and ocean kissing the shore with ease. How do things like that just happen? How does nature not know stress and pain? It just glides through life. Unhurt, never tarnished.

Maybe nature will give me some answers. Maybe nature will tell me who I am; as unrealistic as that sounds. I'm hating feeling so lost. Hating that this is really it. This is my life. I had a handle on things for a long time. I knew myself too well. Thought I did. But who knows? Maybe on this path of "self-discovering" I'll realize this was all really stemming from a gargantuan headache.

All because I was drinking. Why the hell did I do that to begin with? Because my stupid patrons left me to watch something I knew I was going to regret. I thought drinking might erase it. But no, I can still remember it. Suddenly, my headache vanished. But I'm thinking about her? Wouldn't that make it worse? Stop thinking about her. Stop it. She won't go away, no matter what I do.

Have I officially lost it?

Amelia's POV

I woke up the next morning, a little frazzled. I decided I needed to get on with my dad. Even if its Saturday; I didn't wanna waste it. Brian had since gone home a while ago. He did stay with me all night. I couldn't believe it. I have never done that with anyone before. Not since I was a kid. All night I slept in his arms and nothing else was on my mind. I wasn't stressed out the way I normally am when I sleep.

I didn't once think of the person I didn't want to. It always made me feel disgusting when I pictured his face. It was almost too good looking. I really hated how I still thought that. But its not a problem anymore. The more I see of Brian, the more I'm thinking about what makes me happy. JC can never do that. Not even if he's giving someone a happy. But who cares right? I sure don't.

I haven't been to the park in weeks. Then there's always the beach. Its a really nice day. I feel that if I go to the beach, I might as well bring my suit. I was just there yesterday though. Its always so quiet at the park and there's dog city. That's a part of the area of the park where everyone takes there dogs and lets them run freely without a leash. Sort of like a play pin for dogs. I don't go there enough and I almost always see the same dogs I haven't seen in a long time grow up.

I think it sucks that dogs age so fast. Such a shame. They make such great friends.

I chose the park. My mood was going there anyway. Maybe reading was a good idea actually. Brian said he was going to see Leighanne and Bailey today so I didn't really want to tell him I was just going to be alone. I vaguely said I had plans; I tried making it seem important. The more I want him, the more space I need to put between us. I can't always want things my way. I'm learning gradually that people have separate lives from me. I didn't want to tell him what I'm feeling. He knows enough for now. More than I care to admit.

God, am I scaring him away? Probably not. I hope not. He isn't even thinking of me right now. He has a family and he's devoted to them. If Leighanne suddenly called him, he'd pick of the phone straight away. Its just like that. She's the mother of his child. If I were in his position I would follow in his ways too. What if, and this is an on the side question, what if she does this because she still wants him? Who am I to get in the way of that? Who am I exactly.

I took the bus this time. I didn't want to go to through the hassle of taking the car. I'd have to fill up the tank and there's a whole mess of things I wanted to avoid. Besides, I wanted some quiet. I didn't plan on staying there late anyway.

The park on Saturday usually was pretty crowded, especially in the morning. I saw parents bring their kids and tiny babies and sometimes have an old fashioned picnic. Man, I haven't had that in a long time. Growing up, my family wasn't much for doing things together. My father was there when his work permitted more time. I rarely got a chance to be with him, I feel sad sometimes and used to blame myself. I've been living alone since I was 17. They wanted to put me in a foster home because I was still a minor. After I turned 18, it was difficult to find my way. My dad barely knew I was still related to him. I'd get letters telling me updates from his new life. I guess he thought I cared.

The truth is, and it hurts to admit, I raised myself. I had a mother, true, but it was so short-lived. I never really got a chance to confess everything. I said to Brian that she's still here. Some days that's true. Others, I'm not sure what to do with myself. Its just a nice feeling I wanted to have. She was my best friend. I had some great memories that could stretch out for days. It was a good time in my life. If I didn't have my dad, my mom was there. I cherish them now more then I did before. Being alone was never a plan I had for myself. I guess I was brought into it. Just like some things I can't control.

But I'm ok with it. I've been ok with it. Life hasn't been too rough.

I checked my watch, oo, 2:38pm. I think I have around 2 hours more or less until the sun starts setting. I left my novel at home before I left and got off at the stop. I walked up the path to the playground area. I know this stuff is for kids but I can't help it. Every time I see them I have to swing on them and work my way to going higher and higher. My mom used to do this with me. Maybe this was my way of reaching out to her.

I sat in the swing and slowly started to swing high. I took off my shoes and pushed a little more. Its strange doing this without a spotter. I always felt like I might fall if I went too high. But I like going high like this.

I had a sudden flash back to when I was ten. I remembered it was so cold. Probably one of the coldest nights I could remember. I was with my family. We were together. Everything just felt nice. I didn't realized I stopped swinging. I also didn't realize who was staring at me.

He had his back against a tree and quickly looked away. I came here to be alone. I didn't come here to run into trouble. God, I hated this. Why do I get the feeling that he's everywhere I turn? Can't he just go already? That whole phase I had of ripping him a new one doesn't matter. He can have anyone he wants and so can I. Life can go on still. I just have to try pushing him away harder.

I'm walking away, I have to. Maybe I could call Brian for a drink later. Yeah, he might be home. I dialed his number and waited. More waiting. Hmm, no answer. He must be out with Bailey and Leighanne still. I could try him later. I definitely need to give him space.

"Your Boyfriend not pickin' up?" He asked me in a snarky tone.

He actually had the nerve to sit in the vacant swing next to me. Asshole.

"As if its any of your business anyway."

He snorted a laugh and started swinging. I pushed away from it, still sitting in the swing.

"Don't worry about Brian, Amelia. Leigh's always been the only girl I've seen him with. Its just a matter of time before he goes back with he-"

"Shut up. Leave me alone."

He held up his hands as he slowed down his momentum, "Slow down. I'm just reporting facts here. You don't have to be a bitch about it. We know he still loves her."

I couldn't hear it. Even if it was true, which its not, even if it was, some small chance, I'll never let him see me upset. But he's wrong; so it doesn't matter.

"No, you're wrong. You don't know anything about Brian or me."

"I know I'm right. Just don't wanna say I told you so. It sucks to find out these things in the end."

Please don't cry. Don't let him see it. There was conviction in his voice. I almost prayed he was wrong. Brian was my friend regardless.

"Brian is my--you know? Fuck this, I could see this coming. I am so sick of men like you. Men who bullshit and live their lives just as deluded as the next player. And you're giving me a head's up on my love life?! Who the fuck are you?"

He smiled that dangerous/delicious smile, but this time there was tons of smug behind it. It was cold and I felt all of it.

"I'm just a guy telling it like it is. I know men. And she has his spawn. He's always going to need her. Makes sense. Just wanna let you know what you're getting into with a formally married man."

"Like I said, you don't know us. You don't know anything about friendship or anything meaningful for that manner."

He stopped swinging and moved closer to me. I inched further away but he caught on my tale. I swallowed hard.

"Stop JC. Stop it." I didn't mean to whisper but it came out that way.

"I don't know about anything meaningful? Is that what you said?"

"I just meant you didn't know me. I didn't mean to assume you didn't. I just said it ok?" Something tells me he's not done.

He stopped inching toward me and slumped in the swing; he looked defeated. I didn't want to feel sorry for him and why should I? Its men like him that ruin everything. That act like they care and wanna bring others down to their level so they'll--uhah! Wait what? But JC does that with skinny chics. The ones that have legs that look like my arms. He would never... No, its crazy to even think he would go there. JC Chasez wouldn't play me.

"I'll tell you one thing about that..." he spoke and it shook me. I was so still and was nearly salivating for his next words.

"You have no a clue what you're talking about. You don't know a thing about me."

I swallowed and nearly choked as I said, "Right--you're right. Same goes here. I'm ok with that too."

He turned to me with scolding eyes, "I'm not."

JC's POV

Ok, why was I doing this? Why am I even here? I really shouldn't have said that. She just bothered me and the truth came out. More like blurting out my thoughts. Time I start a little truth game with her. I thought about scaring her a little. Just so she can know what its like to have her heart broken. She obviously hasn't. Saying shit like that to me. I better correct this before she starts getting crazy ideas.

"Brian will turn on you, its just taking a while because he doesn't like to be lonely."

She looked at me with disgust in her eyes. "You are a sad piece of shit. Like I'm going to believe anything that comes outta your mouth."

"The truth hurts. I'd rather know the truth then live in a lie. Call me petty names are you want, you know deep down that I'm right."

"Shut up."

"It hurts. It kills you inside to know that he doesn't care the way you want him to. Then you'll see what I'm talking about."

She shook her head, passing my words away. "No, unlike some people, he wouldn't do that. Wait--"

She turned to me and my eyes grew wide. "What?"

"How'd you know I was here? Are you following me?" She narrowed her eyes.

Pttf, who was she kidding? "You've got to be joking. I just came back from my date. It was near here, I decided to take a walk."

She rolled her eyes and lunged out of the swing. Well, I guess she doesn't care. It was a pretty lame excuse. But hell if I'm gonna admit that I had nothing else better to do today; and she just wouldn't go away. From my head. Yeah, maybe seeing her was a good idea. Even if she hates me too. As do I. Well, who knows? How do you hate someone you don't know?

"What are you doing here? Wouldn't you rather be somewhere else? Like, I don't know, the nearest STD club? Even if you came here by accident, why are here still?" She whispered but I heard every word.

Even if I was right about Brian, maybe I'm not, I would have said my shit and left by now. Fuck I hate this. I have no idea what's going on. I never chased a chic before. They go for me. But this isn't a chase. We don't feel that way.

We don't. She doesn't. I don't. Nothing's changed.

"Brian he--" I looked at her as she paused, "he's not like every guy. He isn't the person that would hurt someone. He isn't."

I didn't know how to respond. Believe it or not, its not entirely a scare tactic. I just get this feeling about him. You know, nice guy on paper, probably what she needs, but he's a father. Father's are different. They're family men. They care a lot more than men like me and their family is prority. Its almost like a given. Brian wasn't married a long time, but he's the type that cares about being a father.

Maybe that's what Amelia sees in him. Maybe she never had a father. Brian can only give friendship for so long. I don't know anymore. Its 4:30pm and I'm getting tired.

Maybe she, no that's crazy, she'd think I was crazy. Its going to get dark pretty soon. Fall usually brings the dark in more rapidly. Actually, I hardly noticed the sun setting around us. No wonder everything looked like orange juice.

Wait--what? Where'd she go? That was like 5 seconds ago, she couldn't have gotten far. Maybe she's in the parking lot. I really don't wanna look for her. Oh great, didn't have to. She was walking straight to the lot. I wanted to check if she was actually leaving or I actually scared her to the point of fixation. Women are so sensitive its such an issue.

Hmm, what the hell? The bus stop? Is she really taking the bus back now? Its like nearly black outside and the streetlights are barely working. Is something wrong with her?

I jogged over to the stop, just trying to see what the hell's going on. She was just sitting with her legs pulled up on the steel bench. That's gotta be uncomfortable. I always hated riding the bus. So I guess that answers how she came here.

She didn't move a muscle until I sat down. I threw my hands up and made a sound.

"So what the hell are you doing?"

"Waiting for the bus."

"Why, where's your car?"

"Not here."

"You do know its getting late and its suicidal to ride the bus?"

"Yes, I'm aware, but I'm a risk taker."

"So what are you saying, you wanna die?"

"No, I have no other way of getting home anyway. Walking would take twice as long."

I can't believe I was doing this. I can't believe I'm still here.

"Where do you live?"

"Yeah, as if I'm going to tell you."

"Amelia, I have a car. You don't have to ride the bus."

"That's nice but I'd rather ride the bus, thank you."

My god. Its like pulling teeth. "You know, I'm just offering a safe ride, you don't have to take my head and nuts off."

"Hmm, that sounds like something you'd do. But really, I'm alright. Actually, I need to go somewhere before home."

"Oh? Where's that?"

She sighed loudly, "Why?"

"Because I'm hungry and I might wanna go eat too."

After a few long moments. "Sbarro's."

Hmm, I haven't had pizza in a long time. Actually, I haven't had much time to really sit down and eat. I don't eat with my girls. Well, we eat but its not food.

"Nice, I could go for some pizza. Plus I have a warm car. Nice and cushy, no scary hobos around."

Her forehead crinkled and she finally looked me in the eye, "You wanna hang out, with me?"

I swallowed hard, "If I have to answer that, I guess so."

She smiled, "So this is you being nice?"

"Yeah, I kind of hate it. Let's go." I pulled her up and she walked with me.

Amelia's POV

I can't believe I'm here now, with satan dressed in failed pop star's skin. With the manwhore. What the hell was I thinking? How did I go from potential scrotum crushing to buddies in the blink of an eye? Shit, if I only took my car and pushed aside my laziness I wouldn't have had to admit to that I was having a good time.

That's right. He doesn't have to know. I mean, he had a car, I was starting to get so cold that I gave myself away on the stop. Good god. I really hate feeling this way. It makes me so confused. Normally if I like something, I would say it. But I suppose JC Chasez made me a little afraid. I know who he is, and how much I still despise of his lifestyle, but hell, why was he was suddenly "warming" up to me? I've asked twice now and the second time he brushed it off like he was on his period.

Something was going on. His type never even looked in my direction without a gaze of disgust. And get this, we were actually talking. I'll stop now so you can listen in...

"So what don't you go by Josh instead of those gay initials?" I asked, playing with my crust.

He downed the rest of his beer and wiped his mouth with a napkin. "I don't think they're so bad. Only my family calls me Josh. Actually just my mom. I don't know, since childhood I was
always known by this name."

"That's weird, I mean, if I were you, and I'm not, thank god, I'd consider Josh. It suits you better. You're fruity enough to pass for it."

He placed a hand on his chest, "Why thank you. Have I told you how good you are with the compliments?"

"No actually, you haven't. But seriously, you wanna be known by those initials your whole life? Didn't that show end a long time ago? You wanna be called JC until you die?"

He ate the last bit of pizza and looked at me. "I don't know, people already know me by this name, why change a good thing? Who knows what's gonna happen? I like to live in the now."

"Yeah, I do too." I chewed the rest of my slice and slumped backward on the chair.

I hated agreeing with him.

After a second, "But I'll consider the option."

We sat in silence for a few moments. It looked like he was too fascinated with his plate. Maybe he saw Jesus or something in the pizza sauce. I bent my head to get a better look at his
face.

He looked like he wanted to say something.

I waved my hand in front of his eyes, "Hey?"

"Yeah?" He continued to stare down.

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing, what?"

"You just looked like you aren't all there. Did you wanna be alone?"

I had no idea what hell was going on. He looked like my crazy uncle, in between getting up and and slumping down watching a Kojack rerun.

"I think I better go. I have some stuff to do at the -- did you want more?"

Something very weird is going on. "No, I'm good. Its," I looked at the clock behind him, "jeez, its like 5 passed 10. Yeah, I think its time to go."

I really wanted to get out of there. I had a strange feeling the longer I stayed something messed up was going to happen.

We threw away our trash and walked toward his car. He remained eerily silent the entire time. I really wanted to scream in his ear now. Would he even hear it? He really looked out of it. He started the car before I got inside. Ok, now I really have to say something.

"What are you-hello, what are you doing? Its passed 10 and I'm not busing it." I banged on the window as it started to move.

He killed the engine and I caught up to him at the exit. I was so scared. I really didn't know why he was acting this way.

He put the car in break and heard the doors unlock. I slowly looked up at him, observing. Maybe I should run to the bus stop. That idea was feeling better. I backed away from the car  slowly, I didn't want to make any sudden movements yet. His eyes were staring straight ahead. Ok, maybe he might hurt me. Shit, I knew this was a huge mistake. I should have never got into his car. I don't even know where I am. Are there any buses here? Shit.

I need to get out of here. My breathing sped up, way too fast for me to handle. I was shaking but I had to go. I turned and bolted passed the parking lot. I had to keep running until I saw an open stop. I didn't know where the hell I was going, I just ran. I've never seen anyone act that way before. I didn't want to find out what else was going to happen.

My fists were pumping and my heart beat was racing. I was barely looking in front of me I just knew I had to run... far. OK, Crescant Heights? This looks so familiar. Alright, streetlight coming up. What does it say? Foggy, shit can't see.

Virginia Ave, ok great. Now I'm not completely lost. I need to get to 17th and there should be a stop. Yes! I know there is.

Be careful. Its not safe around here. I slowed down a little so I can find a place to hide and maybe think. I clutched my purse with shaky hands and backed into an alley.

I can't even think. This is not good. I started to sweat and heave each breath. I tried to breathe normally but it wasn't working. My back was glued to the white brick wall while I worked on composing myself. I should just go. Just get it over with so I can go home and sleep and FORGET about this night.

I have never felt so terrified as I do right now. My jaw was tense, actually, my face was tightening.

Oh shit I hear footsteps... I gulped and turned to peek around the corner. I think their were three of them. Standing in a circle. Drugs? It definitely wasn't safe.

I peeled myself from the wall and backed up. I thought I heard a car too. Shit, someone is following me. I just know it.

"Amelia?..." I heard a whisper, somewhere behind me.

Oh god. Please, this can't be it. I never got to write a bucket list.

More footsteps. I closed my eyes tight. This never works. I open them and I'm still here. I couldn't say anything back; that would draw attention to the druggies.

I turned around, so slowly. My body was like honey as I moved to look. I saw nothing. Nothing but dark and more dark.

I swallowed hard. The sharp pain hit me so hard I almost fainted. Almost. I turned around to hide again. Maybe if I hid long enough they'd go away. I was getting cold now.

"Amelia, come here, come on...." There it goes again.

I turned around saw him hiding in the corner. HE was hiding? What the hell?

I came out of hiding and got a better look. This time I saw him better. He followed me.

"What are you doing here?" I whispered, unsure.

He came out a little more, I could see his eyes shining in the dim lights clearly.

"You need to get inside ok? Please trust me." Was he kidding?

All signs pointed to no. But I wanted to know as I came close, "What happened to you?"

He shook his head, motioning for me to follow, "Please come here. Its not safe in this area. I'll tell you everything in the car."

I was shivering, that was my cue. I've had enough already. I said nothing and charged forward.

JC's POV

So... how am I going to explain this? I already know what she thinks of me and now I can add crazy to the list. That’s not the problem here. We rode in complete silence for 5 solid minutes. I could tell she was scared to say anything. I would feel a little skived too. If I think about this too much, I'll forget to say it.

I looked at her from the corner of my eye. She nibbled at her nails and stared out the window. I slowed down my driving and pulled over to a dark residential corner. I slammed my eyes shut then opened them wide. I was making sure this was still real. She hasn't said a word yet and I took this as a que.

I could actually hear myself turning to look at her, that's how quiet it was. What I got was the back of her head. I looked down and swallowed hard. It was sharper than I thought.

"I know what you're thinking."

She continued staring out the window. I continued.

"I'm sorry. I don't know what happened. My brain was just--it stopped. I don't know why I was acting that way."

"Its OK." She whispered.

But? She left that part hanging in the air. I turned my eyes back on the road and realized I was going the opposite way. Or was I? Shit, I can't remember where she lives. OK, I know what to do.

I veered the car around and parked on the side curb. The second I shut off the lights it was pitch dark. I reached above and felt for the overhead light. I clicked it on and waited. I had so many things to say but I didn't know where to start. I had to start somewhere.

"You know, I never thought you were this crazy. I actually pushed back the idea when you started acting human. I was shocked. Now I realize it was all for show. You enjoying playing games with people."

Wow. OK. What now? What more can I add to someone who's already made up their mind? I shook my head and leaned back.

"I get it. I think I understand what you mean..."

"You think?" She retorted.

"No, I mean, yes I do. I do understand what you're saying."

"Well, at this point, I should hope so. Unless you want to add retarded to the list of things wrong with you." There was so much venom in her voice its was like being stabbed with each fine syllable.

Alright, she hit me there, but come on. Give me a chance to tell my side. "I'm not perfect you know? I never claimed to be anything special."

She burst into laughter. I just looked at her. How could she think any of this is funny now?

"Of course you never claimed it. Your actions did. You're just lonely. Don't need a shrink to pull that out."

How could she possibly know my life? She's never walked one day in my shoes to understand what I go through. Wait, what do I go through?

"Look, spending a few hours with me, doesn't make you an expect on my life. You have no idea what you're talking about." After a minute, I remembered what I forgot, "Where do you live?"

"Haha, why, so you can scope it out and follow me? Please, I'm not taking my chances."

Man, what a confusing girl. She wants one thing, says another, gets in my car, and isn't grateful that someone offered her a safe ride home. What. A. Bitch.

"So why are you sitting in my car wasting my fucking time? Take yourself back. You have feet. See if I care what happens to you."

I got her there. Ooo, yeah, silence. Ugh, why can't I be an X-men for a second so I could hear what she's hiding from me.

"I know you don't care. You don't care about anyone else except what you want. You step on people for sick pleasure and you act all high and mighty when you don't get what you want. Didn't your mother ever teach you how to treat people? I guess not."

Oh she did not go there.

"Look, you little bitch, get your fucking ugly face out of my car and my life. Get out... Now!" I screamed in her face and snapped the unlock button.

I could see out of the corner of my eye her movements. I felt them. Oh god, she needs to go now. I should have left her behind. Why the hell did I come back?

She shook her head as if she was feeling sorry for me. But why, I never made such harsh comments about her personal life. She should not have ripped so deep. She has to go.

"You have no idea what its like do you? What makes you think I haven't seen this same story before? Do I give you the impression that I'm just out to hurt you?"

I snap my head toward her angrily, "You already did. I'm serious, you should just leave before I just, just go, OK?"

"You're getting defensive. My dad used to say people who get defensive really quickly are masking their problem."

"There's the door, you're free to walk out. The stop is close to this corner." I gestured outward, exasperated.

I could feel her eyes on me, on all of me. Not just my body, somewhere else.

"Its weird, I actually thought you were naturally like this. But its not beyond your control. I wonder what it is."

Huh? What the hell is she doing? "What are you talking about?"

"You." She said like it was an obvious answer.
 
I really don't feel like figuring out what she's trying to say now. My head hurts and I just don't feel like going into it that deeply.

I still found myself saying, "What?!"

She squeezed her eyes together and looked away quickly. "Forget it. Where's the stop again? You know what forget it, I'll find it myself."

I locked the doors without thinking. She could easily pull the lock out so I held my index on the button so she couldn't.

"You need to tell me what you meant."

"You're keeping me here for that?" Her eyes widened.

"Tell me what you meant and I'll unlock it." I said simply.
 
"You realized you've reached a new level of crazy by keeping me here?"

"Tell me..." Was I begging now?

She looked away from the window and stared me down with a serious demeanor. "Or you'll what?"

I gulped silently, "I'll take you home. I just wanna know."

She pulled back into the seat. She tilted her head to the side and took a deep breathe. "348 Rexford Ave."

"Then, you'll tell me?" I hoped.

After a few seconds, "Yes."

In the silence I pulled the car finally from the curb and started toward Santa Monica. I had no idea Rexford was so close. I guess the bus trip wasn't so long after all. She actually could have walked back, if it weren't for me. I don't know if I regret spending time with her tonight. Maybe I just can't admit a lot of things to myself.

As soon as I reached the corner of the Avenue she lifted her hand and placed it on the handle.

Not so fast. Just because the ride was short, doesn't mean I'll let her slip away. Jeez, I sound like a stalker. Sue me, she's the vague one.

"Hold on, you need to tell me what you meant."

I could feel her breathing strongly. It honestly terrified me. I almost didn't want to know. I stood my ground. She gave me her word. I may be an asshole, but I still have some manners left.

She sunk back into the chair and leaned back into it closing her eyes in slits. "I don't really know. Can you at least open a window? I promise I won't escape from your clutches. I could seriously scream rape now and put you away where you belong."

I snapped down the window with a huff and scratched my head.

"Why do you hate me so much? You don't know me at all. How do you judge someone you don't know like this?"

She opened her eyes and looked at me sadly, "What do you want from me JC? You have a great life, why you care what I think?

She squinted her eyes at me accusingly.

"You didn't answer my question. Why are you judging me like this? Bringing my family and personal life and saying such shitty things out of nowhere? Come on! I don't deserve the wrath like you think. I'm not a bad person."

She sat up straighter and I hadn't realized I was invading her personal space. I pulled back immediately as if I was burned.

"You don't know what its like for me. You don't understand... You don't. You haven't lost anyone in your life that meant more to you than anything else. You can't say that isn't true--" 

I objected, "There you go judging me again. Why don't you just twist my balls some more? As if I asked for it. How the hell do you know I haven't been through that stuff? Really? Are you some expert on my life just by chatting after a few hours? You don't know. I watched my grandma pass right in front of me. I actually saw her soul leave her body. It wasn't fair, OK? Look at me."

She was avoiding my eyes. She was really trying my patience.

"I need to leave, you need to let me leave. I don't need to know this. I never asked for this. I don't want to listen anymore."

"Well, sweetheart you kicked down that door yourself. You shouldn't have gone so deep. In a way, you did ask for it."

She reached over me suddenly for the door lock. I caught her before she could touch it. I ignored the cool rush my body felt as I was fending her off the button.

"This isn't funny anymore. Let me out or I'll-I'll--"

I had her by the wrists now. My death grip was overpowering everything. I loved it. I loved feeling of the complete control I had over her.

"You'll what?" I teased.

She was fussing around in my hold. Clearly looking around for an idea. "Break your window. I will. I swear to you."

I was really close to her now. Touching her everywhere all the while pushing away the feelings of desire I felt as she continued to fight me for her freedom.

"Give up Amelia. Whoa." Shit, maybe I shouldn't have said that.

She pinned me against the seat with her own little death grip. Holy shit is this a woman or I don't know? Oh god, I feel like one of the fighters in Mortal Kombat. I'm the gazelle now. She's gonna finish me off. I can feel it.

"You have no right to keep me here like this. Let me out or I'll break your window and your face." She sounded deadly serious.

Her face was mere inches from mine. Any closer and, hell, I don't wanna find out so I said, "Fine."

I was way too close to her. I really don't want to feel this way about her. She's the only girl to terrify me this much into doing anything. Wait what?

"Move."

"Say please." Still trying to find my sense of control.

God I can't imagine what she's like in bed.

She loosened her grip on me just a little and started to back away slowly almost fluidly. I hated how all of this was making me sweat. I could smell her neck and all I wanted to do was take a bite. A nibble. Something. I wanted to taste her scent. Overpower her. Show her who's the boss.

"Why are you tormenting me?" She looked down then faced me with fierce, tired eyes, "I just want to leave."

Her grip was getting looser with each word. Maybe I was being a dick. I get that. But fuck, I was so curious. I felt like a vampire. I wanted to taste her. I wanted to control her. She smelled too good to let go now. Its a sickness.

"I know. Sorry."

She pushed back all the way. She cleared her throat softly and took a deep inhalation. "Let me out. Now."

She growled the last word like she meant business. I looked at her then at the button. I submitted. I didn't want to hurt her anymore. She looked like she was in pain and it scared me.

"I didn't mean to make you upset. I'm sorry." I wanted to sound as sincere as I could. I really did feel bad.

Silence. I could hear her breathing and suddenly I was feeling pain. God, not now. How is any of this turning me on? Not the pain part. The OTHER thing. No, not the thing in my pants. But I wanted to say one last thing before she went. She had to know and this was not coming from a place of tortment.

"Be careful with Brian, Amelia. I really don't want to say I told you so." I whispered it almost like I was telling a friend something bad was about to happen.

She looked wooden now. It was like she wasn't real. It deathly scared me. She was staring straight ahead, blinking roughly.

She looked down, "I can take care of myself Josh." She looked up with defeated eyes, almost like a child, "Don't concern yourself with my life."

I let out the breath I was holding. "OK, my finger's off the button."

She stared at me, "OK, goodnight Josh."

Before I knew what I was doing I brushed my lips against her cheek. It felt like my lips were stung. Like an inferno covered them. I was shaking and knew I fucked myself over. She is going to kill me. I lingered there for a moment, not knowing what else to do and jammed my eyes shut, anticipating the slap or worse, scrotum crushing.

Her breathing was the only sound I could hear. "Josh," she gulped. "I'm scared."

My eyes opened as if I heard a shot gun blast. I was still near her face and I didn't know how to move. She didn't move me herself.

I croaked, "Sc-cared of what?"

She blinked slowly, she looked like she was holding back tears. "I don't want to be alone tonight."

I really didn't expect to melt at those words. It was the way she said them that got me. I don't even know what's happening to me. I don't think I can go back. I don't want to ever go back.

"You want me to--?"

"Yes, I want you to. Please..." She choked the last word and barely got any in as tears started falling down her cheeks.

Amelia's POV

I took the kettle off the stove and poured the steaming water inside the mug, letting the smells fill the kitchen as I bounced the teabag inside. Tea was usually my best way of meditation instead sitting Indian Style and shutting my eyes. Now, its just hot water mixed with a bunch of scented leaves. I knew what I was doing. I needed to at least make some sense of the insanity that is my insecurity. I needed him and I had no choice.

I didn't worry about Brian until he sincerely said to be careful with him. If he wasn't then he would have to be the best actor which he isn't. He was right about some things. Brian was a different case. He was married and with a child. There's always that bond. That history that forever ties him with the mother of his child. Who can compete with that? I'm not a beauty. Who was I kidding?

I must have been staring into space or something because I heard the television turn on. I forgot there's only so long someone can stare at a wall. I better go see what he's up to. Almost forgot about him being here.

I walked around the corner, my tea in one hand toward the living room and watched as he stared at the screen with blank eyes. Maybe that's his way of taking a nap or something. Truth was, I really didn't feel like talking about anything tonight. I really just didn't want to be alone. Didn't want another night of staring at the walls blindly while blinking tears back. No, I really don't want those nights to come back.

He noticed I was in the room and looked up at me almost like he forgot who I was. He nodded and motioned for me to come sit next to him. I grew pensive. Suddenly I wasn't sure. I took a sip of my jasmine tea and fought through the apprehensiveness. I walked toward him and sat at the end of the couch. I was still really scared of getting close to him and yet, I wanted him as near as possible. I wanted to rest in his arms but I didn't know how to ask.

I sat my tea on the coffee table and just stared around. I was so nervous I couldn't look at him. I didn't know what to say at that moment. I brought my knees up to my chest and curled myself up in a cozy position.

"Amelia?" He whispered to me.

He closed the big gap between us and tried to look me in the eyes.

I was afraid if I looked at him, I would lose it. "You know, I don't really know how I got here. I don't even know why this is happening or why I'm telling you this. Why I asked you to stay."

I heard him shuffle around, still trying to get a look at me. "Oh."

Well isn't that the silent killer? I really don't like to hear that response.

"You asked me to stay because you didn't want to be alone. I'm just surprised I said yes." He sat back with a huff on the couch.

"So am I." I admitted.

"I thought you hated me. I'm shocked I asked you." I added slowly.

I felt the back of his hand touch my elbow and let it stay there for a couple seconds.

"I think we both wanted it. I don't hate you Amelia. Hey, I let you get away with calling me Josh. I think we're past the hate barrier."

I laughed for the first time in his presence. Man this is so crazy. How did I get here?

"Yeah, I guess that's true. That's only because I like it better than JC. Its your name. My mother used to call me Mia a lot. To everyone else, I was Amelia. Sometimes nicknames aren't so sentimental to some people."

"I don't know, maybe I don't care much about it. Its been a while sense I was referred by my birth name. When I come home, I hear it everywhere. I guess in some ways, I like it. Its who I am. The other one is just a stage name." He explained.

I turned to face him, "Well I like it. Like you said, its who you are."

"Right." He nodded sarcastically.

I threw my hands up and turned my body to him, "Are you ever serious?"

He shook his head, "Gets in the way of messing with people all the time."

A beat. I raised an eye-brow.

"Of course I'm serious. Like right now, you asked me in the car to come inside and stay, so here I am. I'd say that's pretty serious. You know, there was an engagement I was invited to but I not there. I'm here."

I twitched, "Well, you didn't have to stay. If you would rather be somewhere else nobody's stopping you from going."

I stood up from the couch and paced. If this is what I am to him then he should just go. I don't need someone feeling sorry for me. I never asked for that.

"Amelia, is that really what you think of me? I only brought it up because clearly this is more important." He stood up and touched my hand.

"What is?"

He took hold of my hand. I refused to look at him.

"This is. Being here right now. Seriously. If I were lying, I wouldn't have waited this long. I think the old me would have left a long time ago."

"The old you?"

This is strange. Why is he saying this now? He let go of my hand and sat back on the couch. I am very confused.   

I started to laugh and sat down next to him. "So, what are you saying Josh? I've changed yo--"

"No, I'm definitely not saying that. How could anybody change anybody? Its not like I was hurting anyone before."

I looked at him like he had three heads, "I'm sure the girls enjoy how you treat them. Especially when that's all you offer."

He blushed and that made me laugh even harder. "Uh you don't know what you're talking about. The girls I get with all want what I want."

"Haha, Josh, no girl really wants only sex, unless they were raped or molested as a child. Sorry, all girls want the same thing." I traced his jaw with my index finger.

He caught my finger in his hand and smirked, "What is that?"

I nodded simply, "They all want to be taken care of. Guys are supposed to be there for protection. God knows we need it. Too much bad shit happens and sometimes friends are rarely around. It helps when guys can be our friends."

He sighed and laced his fingers with mine. "Brian does it for you huh?"

Oh no. I totally forgot. Why am I going crazy over this guy? Things are going great right? Oh no, don't show it. Not around him of all people.

I opted to not let him see my eyes, "Brian's a nice guy. He's very sweet. I need that. I've needed that for a while. Maybe he doesn't want me. I'm having fun with him. Doesn't matter, I mean its not a big deal. He's a friend."

He was silent for a few moments. "You want more."

I shook my head and huffed as I crossed my arms, "Who doesn't?"

"I-"

"Besides you. Believing in all that stuff is crazy anyway. But I have to believe in something. Just to know things are real again. That life is real. It can't just be all fun and games. Its safe to say he's just a good friend. Which is why I think I'm going to stop calling him."

He chuckled, "Good call. There's a chance he'll call but then there's a chance he won't. If you're not chasing him, he'll either forget you or call and suddenly wanna hang out."

"Oh, suddenly you know more than I do?"

"I'm a guy you forget? I have the proof if you wanna see..." He began unbuckling his pants but I haulted the action.

"I believe you, nevermind. You don't need to show me anything. I think I've seen enough at the park that day with the B actress."

"You mean Eliza? She's a friend. What exactly did you see?"

"The short answer is enough."

"I am not short. It was her idea OK? I can't help where I do what I do."

"Heh, Josh, you were at a public park. Families everywhere you turn. Is that really what they wanna see when they're throwing a freezbee? Its a family place."

He threw his hands up, "I'm horny OK? Can't control it. Wish I could. Actually its better when I can't. Plus its more exciting in public places. You should try it sometime. Its the best thing to do when you're single."

"Its not hard to find it for girls. Even ugly girls with the best bodies can get anyone they want. Pretty much anyone that looks like Paris Hilton."

He laughed and looked at me through his eyelashes, "She's not so bad on the face. I've seen worse girls that got Jessica Alba's body that are dead from the neck up."

"Do you catalogue these findings by zip code?"

"Very funnay. That's why I got a phone. But its confusing because I never save numbers so I don't know who's calling me when I answer. Except for my family."

"Oh." It was all I could say.

Strange, I never thought it would come from him but am I having a real conversation? Wow, this is crazy. Must have been, what, years since I've really laid it out there without holding anything back. Felt like I almost could say anything and it won't shock him. Though I am holding off on commenting on how good his hair looks. Or the fact that my fingers are aching to run through them. He has that James Dean Jewy look going on. I'm loving it.

"You do that a lot."

I cleared my throat, "What?"

"Stare out into space. Are you always in deep thought?"

I rolled my eyes and coved my mouth as I yawned slightly, "No, I guess I'm just tired. I always come home kind of out of it."

He nodded and rubbed his lips together, "Do you want me to let you sleep?"

I shrugged, thinking he was going to leave anyway the second I brought up that I was tired. "Did you want to go?"

He looked down and covered his mouth. He looked like he was hiding something. "Well... only if you want me to."

"I want you to." "I want to." We said simultaneously.

I looked at him. It was like I was looking at a completely different person. He looked almost... beautiful to me. For the first time I saw his eyes. They were just colors but bright blue and green gems that can be seen from miles.

"You staring in my eyes?" He whispered and broke my trance.

"No."

"Liar."

"I would never lie. Especially not to you."

"Because...?"

"Doesn't make you special, I just never lie. Too many people lie already."

"Sweetheart its difficult for me to believe a word of that since you just lied to me twice now."

I broke eye contact. I had to. He was making me nervous. I felt my right hand begin to shake. He should not have this effect on me. I refuse to let him to control me. God damn it I hate him so much.

"Stop it. I told you I don't lie and I wasn't looking in your eyes. I make eye contact just like any normal person would. Get over yourself. Your shit won't work with me."

He had the nerve to laugh. Bastard. "I wasn't using anything on you. I just caught you looking at me and you got all huffy about it. The truth hurts, dont it?"

"Sometimes, except in this case its not true. I wasn't looking at you that way."

"Yes you were. Just admit it. You don't need to pretend to hate me anymore."

"Makes things easier. And I'm not pretending, this hate is for real. I don't play games, unlike some people."

"You know, for someone who's so Gung Ho on telling the truth all the time yet you have no problem openly lying right now. Why?"

I nearly sprinted off the couch and darted toward the fridge. I needed someone nice and cool. Something that'll ease this hot anger coursing through my veins. I needed it. Right now. I can't control my anger now. It was like I was internally hyperventilating. I really regret asking him to stay. In a lot of ways it made things worse. Of all people, I asked him?! I've got to be the definition of crazy. I really topped myself this time. Now I just pray he gets scared and leaves. What good is he here anyway? That's right, nothing.

He's world's away from me. We're not even of each other's elk. I listened for the back screen door to swing open but I couldn't hear anything. Huh? I can't hear anything. Not even footsteps.

I turned around and there he was, standing in my doorway.

The curves of my mouth rose up and I ran into his embrace.

JC's POV

I just held her. I didn't know what the hell I was doing. Maybe she needs this. She never told me to leave, least not directly. And I didn't want to leave. Something told me to stay a while longer. It was as if she was saying it with her eyes. The problem was, she fit like a glove in my arms. Was that a problem?

She pulled away first. It was strange. It happened so slowly that I was wondering if we put on slow motion. I couldn't do anything else besides hold my breath. I had no idea what was about to happen next. I felt this rush of excitement running through me. I was prepared for anything she threw. Her eyes started to pace from side to side.

"Wrong."

Maybe not totally prepared. "What?"

"We shouldn't do this. We should never do this. I shouldn't act this way. Not around someone like you."

And we're back to the pretending "I hate you" attitude. "Why are you so... difficult?"

"I'm not being difficult Josh. I just can't get like this. It’s not right."

I groaned as I made my way to the door. I was growing tired of this. She was obviously playing games here and I'm never going to reason with her for my life. I am really just wasting my time yet again.

I had my hand on the handle but then I turned around. I wasn't done yet. "What do you want from me?"

She touched her temple and made a painful sound. "I don't think you're the answer for my problem. I don't think any guy is."

It felt like she was talking to herself. Almost as if I wasn't there. I really don't have time for useless drama. She can fend for herself. As far as I'm concerned, which is futile, she's an adult. She can handle her shit.

"Ok, well, I think I'm going to go to that party."

She nodded slowly and taking in each word as if it was the first time she heard them. "Yeah, ok. Go ahead."

Can't believe it was that easy. I turned around and started walking toward the door again. I turned the handle and opened it slightly ajar. This is it. This is the end. Walk out. Do it. Force yourself. Wait. Force myself?! It’s come to this? Have I really lost my shit entirely?

"Wait, Josh... wait…" I heard her footsteps get closer but I didn't turn around right away.

She touched my shoulder. Fuck, you've got to turn around. Pull it together. She looks saner than you are and that's saying a lot.

I turned around and felt something in my hand, "Blackberry... fell inside the couch."

"Yeah..." I gulped; I made no movement to leave.

She nodded knowingly. "Have fun."

I shoved the mobile inside my jacket and just stared at her. "What the fuck am I doing here?"

She laughed genuinely. "I'm still trying to figure that part out myself."

"I really don't wanna fight tonight."

"I wasn't fighting. You're free to leave anytime."

Heh, what the fuck, "I'm trying ok?"

She shook her head incredulously, "What are you talking about? Why not?"

It wasn't the words she asked it was the way she asked them that terrified me now. Why is the question. So far all I've been asking myself is why every time I'm around or near her. It really feels like I'm not being myself lately. It’s easy to just leave. Forget the whole night. Forget the girl, all of it. Believe me I'm trying. I just don't know why it’s suddenly this hard to just walk away.

I closed my eyes and opened them up, "I don't know why."

She laughed again, this time with a scoff. I hated that sound more than anything. "I think its best you go. You need to."

"Can't..."

"Oh? You can't move now? Come on Josh. You've been lying for years its damn near a profession. You can do better than that. Why are you still here?"

"I don't fucking know OK? Because you asked me to be here."

"Mistake of all mistakes. I don't think it’s right for you to be here. Go to your party."

I gritted my teeth, tucking in my anger by the ounces, "You're a lunatic you know that?"

"Oh this is making your welcome even better. Just leave you waste of a human."

She made a move back to the living but I caught her arm. I wasn't going to hurt her but she needed to hear this in case we never talk again after this night.

"I may be dick probably most of the time, but at the least I have the balls to admit it. You... You're the queen of mixed signals and I'm bored with it. And I don't wanna say I told you so about Brian either. Then again, maybe I do. Stop being a brat and let your drama go. Open your fucking eyes Mia."

I think I set a fire alarm off because she grew a thousand times stronger and shoved me against the wall. "Get out."

"No." I stood my ground. Her little girl moves aren't going to distract me.

Her fists pounded my chest. For a girl, she hits pretty rough, almost like a boxer. I took it. Boy did I take it. I finally held her wrists above her head. She was thrashing about like a mental patient before the sedative is injected. I really feel sorry for all of this. She's so... broken. It was her problems, not mine. It was her place, her life.

But I didn't want to leave. I was intending on not doing that. Maybe she doesn't need a guy but she does need this. Somebody.

"You're not alone. You don't have to feel so sad anymore." I said this in her ear as her jostling dwindled down slowly.

"You can't begin to understand what I go through. You haven't walked a day in my life to know anything."

"I know I'm not leaving. Please understand. Please... Mia!" I struggled against her last ounce of strength.

I held her at the strongest level that I could hold her. But this time I wasn't holding her. I didn't attempt to embrace her or anything. I didn't need super strength anymore. This time, she wouldn't let go. I gulped. Wow. I never heard cries so harsh in my life. It was like listening to a wounded animal crying for the first time. She pulled me in and I let her. That's as best as I could put it.

She crumbled to the ground, taking me along with her. Hearing those cries was so deafening. I really couldn't hold myself back anymore. I completely took her in my arms and welcomed everything she was letting out. Everything. I stroked her long hair and tried to do whatever I could to assure her things were going to be OK.

She started saying something but it was difficult to understand with the muffled cries masking the attempts. I managed to get some of it though.

"I don't think you know what it feels like to be alone. You don't know. You're s-surrounded by people every day. You have tons of friends. Your family. Parents. You don't realize how hard it is to b-breathe sometimes when you're just counting the minutes. The seconds. You just don't know."

I took all of this very seriously. I had to. She was confessing a secret. Maybe I don't really know what it’s like to be her, true. But I do know what feels like to be alone. Believe it or not I've had my share of those mangled moments of "nobody cares" thoughts seeping through me at times. And I do know what it feels like to cry yourself to sleep even though I know I'm going to have a fun day being me. Sometimes I really hate being me. I get tired of the same girls that would hit me up for a night cap or a happy. I know it sounds like I'm absolutely off my gourd but it’s the truth. I am sick of sleeping around some days.

I get tired of girls running on a lean mixture all the time. Most of them, just their voices alone would make me be jealous of the deaf. Sometimes I can't deal with it. Their lack of substance. Heart. I never believed any of them were human anyway. It’s not like I didn't know this and just slept with them because they were a hot piece of ass. But then, I couldn't think of any other reason why I do it. Then again, how else are you going to kill loneliness?

We leaned against the wall, sitting on the cold foyer. I was still silent. I think if I spoke at this point she'd sure kick me out even if it’s a condolence. So I just sat there, with my head against the wall and her in my arms. I felt her move around against my chest and it was making me uncomfortable. I didn't know what to do. I just kept holding her.

"Josh?" she asked as she sat up, looking at me.

"Why are you really here?" She looked hurt.

I couldn't decipher why she wanted to know so badly. I felt myself looking at her. I couldn't bring myself to look away. It was like I was stuck. I was left with two options. Tell the truth, good that'll do me, or, tell her what she wants the hear. Neither were lies. Doesn't she want me to tell the truth though? I was there because I wanted to be, but that seems to be the part I can't get out. Then there's the reassuringly vague answer of "things will be ok, im here ok."

Yeah, its getting harder and harder to lie. "Where else would I be? Where do you want me to be?"

I didn't mean for those to be questions but I feel like I was speaking from a different place. Its as a part of me has been dusted off and reborn.

Her face was confusing. It was like I was speaking a foreign language. "I don't understand. Why are you asking me that?"

"Because I'm stuck OK? I can't give you a proper answer. And I can't give you what you want to hear either. I can't lie."

"So don't. Be straight. Don't play games. If you have something to say, then say it."

I blurted out, "Brian doesn't care about you."

Fuck. Shit. I really fucked up now. I know I said some version of that before and she probably didn't really care. I think she was believing me right now. Her eyes filled with tears and she began to get up and walk away. Before I could process what just happened she had already gone to her room and shut the door. The slam nearly cut me inside. Now I was really stuck. I really can't believe I said that. If only I can take it all back. All I said that hurt her. The pain I saw on her face was too much.

I know my next movements should have been out the door. What more could I add to this disaster? God knows I caused enough damage as is. I know that. I feel it now. The old me is just wrong. I didn't even know the old me. I had to tell her something. I know it may seem like I'm making things worse with my presense but I have to make things right.

She has to know what I really meant.

I picked myself up and walked beside her room. Even from the outside I could still feel her pain. It was like tiny spiders crawling over my body. The selfish thing to do would be to pry them off and be on my way. But that's not what needs to happen. I can't hurt her. Not her.

I placed my hand on the door as if she was against it. Wishful thinking. She might be on her bed, in the bathroom, as farthest away from the door as possible. I don't know why I feel her so close. Maybe I want it to be that way. The heat radiating from the door was burning my hand and I was forced to peel it off slowly, regaining my sense.

"Mia... I--" I stuttered, I needed to expunge my nerves.

"I know you're not going to open the door. I get that. I know I should leave like you want me to. That I get too. I would be remised if I didn't say this if we never talk again. I didn't mean what I said before just to hurt you. It wasn't the right words. I'm so sorry." Yes, I was begging, it was a sad sight.

Man it was so quiet it terrified me. Fuck! Why can't I leave already? If I've always hated begging, apologizing and caring what other people thought of what I say then why am I still here? What is she doing to me?

"Go away please." She sniffed and turned the lock on the door.

Damn it. Alright, just will yourself to leave. Do it. Move your legs and turn around. Its all a matter of will--

The scene came to a hault when the doorbell rang. Balls.

I stared at the door and barely noticed as Amelia opened unlocked the door and swung it open.

"Hide." She said simply.

AN: This is Erma. Yes she's Gran from True Blood.

Amelia's POV

I pulled his limp body and grabbed him by the collar on his jacket and hauled him inside my room. I needed to make sure he was not seen in by whoever was at the door. I know I was going to get an earful from whoever it was and I already knew who it would be at this hour.

I really wish some people would just go away sometimes.

“What are you doing? What do you mean hide?” He said something else but I barely remembered any of it.

I ignored him and the cute/confused expression he had on his face. I looked at the time on my nightstand. OK, how was going to handle this? Closet? Maybe, but I have clothes in there. Bathroom? I’ll come back to that. Where else? I don’t have a roof. Alright.

I pulled him by his arm and pushed him inside the bathroom. “Stay there.”

I shut the door and tried to calm down. Any signs of worry and depression are definitely obvious on me. I had to focus. Plus I had to be ready for anything when it comes to this.

OK, here goes. I closed the door softly and walked toward the door. Peeping through the eyehole, my suspicions were right on the nail. Shit, I wonder how long this is going to be. Almost forgot this was a weekend.

I flung open the door and put on my best believable smile I could manage. I was getting used to hiding my feelings now.

I was immediately greeted with two European style kisses on each cheek and stomached through the Ben-gay aroma that fumed my nose with an ew alert. The old smelling tea rose perfume wafting in the atmosphere didn’t help either. Why do old people insist on smelling like the early 1900s?

“Amelia, darling! I know it’s late but I just thought I would stop by once again to bring you these squares I baked from the sale today. Those kids were eating them like crazy and I almost felt bad for saying stop. How are you doing my dear? I haven’t seen you in ages!”

Another “smile” just for her, “Oh wow! Thank you Erma, you keep giving me so much I’m about ready to open a bakery myself.”

She chuckled in delight and my body rolled it's eyes. “Well it’s the least I could do. You’re practically family since I live right next door. How are things with you?”

I nodded a little too fast. Damn, I was losing my character. “Things are great. I haven’t gone into work today, just taking things easy at the moment.”

I was about to turn back inside and close the conversation for good when, “Oh, dear? My grandson Will is coming to see me in a few days. It’s his mother’s birthday and he will be stopping by my place. You remember Will, right? Such a nice young man, green eyes, looks just like his mama, my daughter. You should come by this Sunday so you two can finally meet. He’s about your age.”

Ugh… she has always, since I could remember tried to fix me up with this Will grandson of hers since I moved here. I’ve never even met the guy and I really don’t want to. From what she tells me, he’s an actor, a failed one but "very busy" (which is a major contradiction) and is occasionally in town for birthdays for the family. Mormons have a lot of birthdays to cover. No thanks. Plus she says this a lot and whenever I run into her every time I come from work. She always says he just stopped by and left. At times, he wouldn’t come at all which was great for me. I would always give her a reassuring “next time maybe” to ease her matchmaking pain.

I love this part because I give the same answer every time even though it leads her on. She’s old, she can’t remember much anyway.

“We’ll see Erma. I have a very difficult project due Monday and I need to buckle down on some work. Thank you again.” I was greeted by another kiss and a heartbreaking smile.

“Thank you dear. He’s really excited to meet you. You both work so hard it’ll be nice for you two to finally meet.” I’ll bet he’s excited.

She always smiles like that when I give her hope. Eh, I made her happy. It’s no big. She placed the bowl of squares in my hands and went back to her door. I took that as my cue to immediately turn on my heel and shut the door behind me. I never know when it comes to her.

I put down the bowl of squares on the coffee table and collapsed on the couch. Well, at least this one was pretty short. Usually I’m prepared for more talking about the latest tabloid or sad stories about her husband in Pearl Harbor and how strong he was for having endured so much for someone so young. I’m not heartless but when I usually hear stories like that I feel awkward and really depressed. Erma Nipper can really chew off your ear for days if you let her.

I usually have fun with it. Nobody else in the complex comes to see me and I take it with a grain of salt usually. Plus I have no plans to see this Will anytime in the future. I’d rather have painful anal sex then go out with somebody that Erma Nipper thinks is right for me. Well maybe just anal sex, scratch the painful, that’s verging on sodomy and not my style. That’s probably something JC would be into single-handedly. Hell, he probably has got lube in all different colors and flavors. Being a professional manwhore, you gotta have the tools.

“Closing your eyes darling?” I felt his breath all over my ear and jumped upright.

He had that disgusting shit eating grin on his face and it just annoyed me.

“I wasn’t closing my eyes. Why don't you just take yourself out? Its late and I'm tired.”

His eyes scanned the bowl of lemon squares and raised his eyebrow. "Who was that?"

I shrugged and took the bowl to the kitchen and placed a sheath of plastic over the top. I really didn't wanna discuss someone annoying with someone who's equally annoying.

"Nobody. Look, I probably should have thrown you out myself earlier but I didn't wanna be grilled for you being here so late at night."

He laughed and smiled wide, "And that's a bad thing why? Are you embarrassed by me or something?"

I stared him down with a tired look.

"Point taken. Who's Will? Cheating on Brian already?"

Shit. I was really hoping he wouldn't mention that guy. How much did he hear? "JC, please leave. I'm asking you nicely now."

Fuck. The doorbell again. My eyes nearly popped out and I instantly grabbed him by the jacket again. I ignored how great he smelled. OK, what do I do? I paniced. I said the first thing that came to me.

"Bedroom, go." I ordered and pushed his body to my room.

"You plan on joining me later?"

"Stay quiet. " I pointed my finger at him and shut the door quietly.

I know this was the worst plan I had but I needed to do this to avoid pestering questions about this mystery guy in my apartment after midnight.

Until I was sure the coast was clear, I went over to the door and looked through the eyehole. I whipped the door open and breathed deep.

"Oh, I'm sorry honey I forgot something. My husband made too much and I couldn't for the life of me fit the jelly cookies anywhere in my cabinets. Can you be a dear and take them off my hands? I would like that very much."

I wanted to say no but, "Alright. Sure, thank you Erma. I appreciate it. Good night."

I took a second container from her and waved as I closed the door. I made sure to lock it and blew a big chunk of air I was holding in. That's twice in one night. I really need to get this guy outta here. This is like the ultimate of intrusions.

What the fuck could he be doing? I went wide-eyed and bolted toward my room. Can't believe the best thing to do was to put him there. I flung the door open and heaved.

"Gimmie that." I took the frame away from his hands and hid it behind my STATs books.

Can't believe he had the nerve to just go and touch my things. I was really growing tired these games and I needed to stop him before anything else happened.

"You were so cute. Was that you and your dad?"

I was shaking so hard from anger and embarrassment I had to steady my body on the dresser. I really didn't wanna be on Oprah and discuss my history with some loser. That's the last thing I'm thinking about now.

"JC, go." I tried to suppress the shake in my voice but it was no anvil.

I could feel him moving toward me and I couldn't do anything about it. Come on. Fight him. Kick him where it hurts the most. Do it. Once you do it he's going to leave. That way you can physically throw him out. I hadn't realized the dresser was moving until his arms came over me. Major violation. I stopped shaking. I froze. What the fuck was I doing? He was holding me. The fucker was actually holding me and getting away with it.

"I fucking hate you. Don't touch me." My voice never stopped shaking. I couldn't bring the conviction out.

He leaned forward next to my ear, I could feel his warm breath blanketing over me senses, making me shiver inside.

"You don't mean that. If that were true you wouldn't allow me to do this, would you now?" He growled the end of that sentence and proceeded to envelope me completely with his embrace.

I was so nervous I let myself break down again. No, this cannot be happening. Why can't I pull myself together around him? Please God. Give me a sign so I can wake up from this nightmare? I have to.

"You need to stop this. I shouldn't be doing any of this with you."

He laughed softly, "You're not doing anything. I am. And you're letting me."

Oh my god he's right. Its all because of me. I didn't try hard enough to push him away. I should keep trying. I need to do this.

"Stop..." This was starting to be more than a hug.

I think he felt it too because his grip around me loosened and I was almost instantly free until--

My cell went off. Yes. Saved. With all my strength I pushed passed him and hopped at the end of my bed to fetch the buzzing mobile.

"Hello?"

"Amelia? Hey, is it too late? I'm here."

"Come up." I clicked off the phone and threw it on the pillow.

I looked around me and noticed he was gone. I craned my head around my room and checked every other room. It was like this night never happened. He was gone. There was a knock. Finally, maybe the night did have a happy ending after all.

JC's POV

I had no idea her closet was so spacious. Good for me. If it was Brian I was most definitely going to make a scene, but I wanted to make her think I wasn't here first. I like surprises like everybody else. Let's see her explain this one to someone as loyal as Brian. Oh I almost can't wait for the fun to start. I think I hear voices. It was someone else's.

It had to be him. I was almost praying for it or I was going to leave. Who was I kidding? Why leave when I'm having so much fun? She told me to leave but she didn't mean it. She barely said anything when my arms were on her. She gave herself away.

Oh shit, here they come. Places. Now I gotta find the right moment to chime in.

I gotta admit this was pretty low. Hell, I was too fucking curious. I've got nothing better to do and I'm looking to stir up drama any way I can. Can't wait. What the hell?

Why was it so god damn silent? I went into super hearing mode. I held my breath. I tend to breathe loudly when I'm nervous.

"...how is he? You said he had a cold? Is he feeling any better?" I heard Mia coming closer.

I peeked through the spot of light through the crack of the closet and narrowed my eyes. That was Brian. Didn't really look like him. Normally I'm used to seeing him all J. Crew-looking and polished. He looked like he hadn't slept in days and threw on whatever clothes he wanted. Weird. I know he's not gay but that's a little strange.

They sat on the edge of her bed and held hands. Man what a sad display of affection. I can't stand the sight of these two any longer. It was time to make an announcement.

Maybe I should hold off. He could be saying something important and I didn't wanna miss a word.

"Hey," he kissed her knuckles, "I gotta tell you something."

She sat up straighter with curious eyes looking intently at him.

He drew a deep breath and looked her directly in the eye, "I really missed you today. I had a lot of fun with Baylee but I was thinking of you the whole time. I could not stop thinking of you. When I got your message I was so happy. But I forgot I had my phone on silent and I'm sorry I couldn't return the call right away. I really wanted to but usually when I'm with him its difficult to pick up calls sometimes."

I scoffed internally. Lame ass excuse. If he wanted to he would have. He's a guy. He always has options. He could have called. But I guess certain rules go out the door when you got a rug rat. Plus I wouldn't have gotten to spend time with her if he hadn't. I win this one.

"That's ok. I figured it was important to respect your time with your family. I never want to get in the way of any plans."

"Sweetheart you're never in the way. But I had to come over to say this in person."

"What?" Yeah what?

"Our record company sent out tour dates. It’s going to be soon."

I could tell she was trying to put on a brave face by smiling, "How soon?"

"I have until Monday. I'm flying early because the production team requested the boys and I be over there to rehearse. I'm sorry Amelia. I didn't know it was going to be this soon. I also didn't know the tour would be in high demand. I wasn't sure if the world wanted us around anymore." A half-assed apology, way to break her heart in the nice guy voice. Either way, it’s bad.

I felt kinda shitty  now. He was leaving. OK. But why can't she come on the tour? Or is it because you're bringing Leigh just to stir the pot? These are questions she should ask. She has the right to know. I would expect any girl to want to know these things before I went on tour. Granted, then I was partially monogamous. Bobby was a definitely a keeper. Ah, plus I got good PR from it at In Touch magazine and E! I was good either way. Everything I did back then benefited the fame even more. I doubt being in that group had equal opportunity. Being in Justin's annoying ass shadow was ball-crushing enough. I digress. Back to the soap opera.

She said nothing and hugged him. Kind of stiffly. I gotta hand it to her. She's a good actress. I've never known a chic not to bombard a guy she's seeing with questions when you say you have to go away for a long time. Wait, how much time did he say he'll be away for?

She stayed in the hug for what seemed like minutes. It was like they were really saying goodbye. Were they? Maybe this was a break up. If he's taking Leigh on tour then for sure it’s over. She didn't stand a chance. When a guy as devoted (Christian) as Brian, he's sort of a staunch supporter of the whole "staying together for the family" thing. Tragic. Kinda feel really bad. She didn't see it coming so soon. I did warn her a couple times but really I only did that because I wanted her to get hurt.
I wanted to push her buttons and keep pushing.

She finally pulled away and touched her forehead to his. "Why do I feel like this is goodbye?"

Finally, some honesty. Let's see how he manipulates her into thinking everything's all of a sudden ok.

"Is that what you think this is? Amelia, I'm not saying that. This is just something I have to do."

Yeah, I know the words "we're finished" weren't said but he just killed it by about 90% of chances they could work. Way to go buddy.

He kissed her softly on the cheek and got up from the bed. "I'm sorry. You deserve better than me maybe. I don't want you to be waiting for me until the tour is over.  It isn't right. Please don't hate me."

I think heard her scoff at him. I wonder what she's gonna do.

She looked anywhere but him. I couldn't blame her. Definitely didn't want to be her now.

"OK. Well, have fun on your tour." It was painful how sweet that sounded. Felt like it was choked out.

Brian stiffly turned around without looking back as he trotted out the door. The close of the door was small but felt so loud it made me jump a little. Oh boy, this was not the time I should be around.

When she finally left the room I took this as my opportunity to sneak out as soundlessly as I could. As I lifted the window to climb out I looked back with an odd look plastered on my face. I shrugged it off and hopped out the fire escape.

You know, hating her would go a long way if I didn't care so fucking much.

Amelia's POV

I guess I should feel shitty. Lock my life up. Close myself off to the world. Instead I did the opposite. I dove into my work like a racecar driver hitting the final seconds. I didn't want to feel sorry for myself because I was the "other woman" in the situation. I knew things weren't going so great. Usually when they begin too, it’s a blind sign. You know, what was I going to do? Wait around until he submits?

I wasn't even mad at Brian. How did I feel about it? Does it matter what I think? I guess if things were different, I don't know, he would have asked me to go with him. Yeah right. A family man. Mourning wouldn't get me anywhere. Getting mad would be a big waste. Why pine for somebody who's letting you off easy? It’s just... unfair. When I see other people, how they their lives, I just cringe. Why is it such a pattern? I feel like I'm being punished for trying to be happy. I also feel like its luck, that and timing. People have to want to care. You can't control how that goes. Just wish I didn't get the short end of the stick.

The power of persuasion is a thing of beauty if it exists. Instead of asking myself why this and that I feel like my time should be put to better use by moving on.

I decided to go to Barns & Noble just to clear my head. I came here almost every day when I was a teenager, mainly because I didn't have any friends and I didn't feel like putting the effort. Books were my outlets. I had a hankering for fiction. I like reading stories that I related to; you know, real people with feelings and problems.

I once read this book about a girl who was a receptionist in a pushing paper-like company. Basically it was almost like that movie American Psycho. The way the people were acting reminded me of Greenwich, Connecticut. Sweaters tied around their necks with tennis rackets positioned on their shoulders. The main girl was realistic. She wanted her boss but she was hiding a secret. Doesn't everyone have them? I would say the book was strangely appropriate. Her boss was a cad, but a likable one. I liked their interaction, the flirtatiousness that sparked from their conversations was so realistic, and I almost put myself in the title role. I wanted to be that girl. She was sharp, spunky and had an incredible sense of making things go her way. Not everything but when it did, I was rooting for her the whole time.

It was nice taking a break from work. I had a feeling that going out was good for me. And I liked being lazy in those reading couches. Aren’t those the best? I had no idea what I was doing in the romance section. I should just go over to the science section. I usually find some crazy science article shit. Like X-Files fucked up.

Good thing there’s nobody really here. I hate when it’s full of annoying people and their kids. Just makes me hate it more that there’s a café. The only reason I come is for the books anyway. I prefer reading here than in the library. It bothers me when you would check out a book and it looked like a tornado trashed it up. Yuck.

I rounded the corner of the bookcase and yelped, “Oh sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it. Was my fault, I wasn’t looking.” He said gruffly.

I looked up and saw lime green eyes and felt myself staring.

“Are you ok?”

“Um, yeah sorry.” I broke away from the situation.

Sometimes getting distracted could be dangerous. I tell myself that all the time and never follow through. I made a move for that reason trying to find the Sci-fi books.

“Hey uh?” I heard behind me.

Was he following me?

I turned around and raised an eyebrow.

He smirked and looked down. “Oh, you look like you're trying to find something.”

I blushed and looked down as well, “No um, maybe was just looking for the science section but I think I saw it in the back. Thank you.”

“Actually,” he gestured with his finger, “it’s to your right. They changed everything around. I was lost myself.”

I felt like an even bigger dork for not knowing something so simple. I gave a thin smile and turned the other way toward the magazines.

My cell buzzed and I debated whether to click it open. Could be work. Its Friday, basically my day off. Work was usually something I loved but now, it was the furthest thing going on. I'm a dedicated employee, kind of have the reputation of a push-over. Deadlines never keep me busy enough. I always look for more to do.

Silence can't replace of the emptiness of the seconds.

I shut the ringer off and nearly jammed it back in my purse. No more. Today is going to be about me. I didn't know quite what all that meant. I wanted to avoid any form of comeuppance basically. I’ve had enough excitement for a while now. I'm extracting all male forms of any kind. I have other matters to attend to. And you know what? Life? Yep, it just keeps going.

The café didn't have that bank line everyone loves. What I truly hate about those things is the boring conversations of the yuppies. Oh and don't get me started on the laptop carrying weasels trying to bang out a hit screenplay. Good god. Makes me wanna stick pins in my eyeballs. All I felt like getting was a nice warm vanilla steamer. Caffeine would loosen up more strings then I could tolerate.

I brought the warm cup over to the couch in the corner directly across from the Music Anthology section. I was so thrilled it was open as its my favorite place to relax, plus the nice heater is right under it. Score! I might be falling asleep anytime, even though they hate that. I've actually done that more than once. Reminds me of the long full days of college were students would curl up in the fetal position on those little IKEA black leather couch-chairs and snooze it in the library. Ah, youth, its never too late to salvage what's there.

I sat on the full black leather and closed my eyes. Yes. The world is ok again.

I felt something heavy topple over my head and soon a few more things came crashing down. I looked up and caught the thick text before it grazed my forhead.

"Shit. Who's doing that?" Like I would ever get an answer.

"Oh, wow, hey I'm sorry about that." I heard behind me and turned around.

He came toward me and all I saw were his eyes. I was lost. Help me. Oh fuck.