Summary: Interracial, written two years ago.
What do you do, when you find out post breakup that you are having his baby? Do you tell him? Do you not? And if you....what happens?
Join Justin, Shaharra and co. for the ups and downs of a turbulent, head wrecking loving, caring miserable, exciting time in all their lives
Step inside and get ready to be Spun.
Categories: In Progress Het Stories
Characters: Justin Timberlake
Awards: None
Genres: Drama, Humor, Romance
Challenges: None
Series: None
Chapters: 26
Completed: No
Word count: 80948
Read: 52613
Published: Oct 14, 2007
Updated: Nov 07, 2008
1. Chapter 1 by Blondie85
2. Chapter 2 by Blondie85
2. Chapter 2 by Blondie85
4. Chapter 4 by Blondie85
5. Chapter 5 by Blondie85
6. Chapter 6 by Blondie85
7. Chapter 7 by Blondie85
8. Chapter 8 by Blondie85
9. Chapter 9 by Blondie85
10. Authors Note by Blondie85
11. Chapter 11: Guilty Conscience. by Blondie85
12. Chapter 12 by Blondie85
13. Chapter 13 by Blondie85
14. Chapter 14 by Blondie85
15. Chapter 15 by Blondie85
16. Chapter 16 by Blondie85
17. Chapter 17 by Blondie85
18. Chapter 18 by Blondie85
19. Chapter 19 by Blondie85
20. Chapter 20 by Blondie85
21. Chapter 21 by Blondie85
22. Chapter 22 by Blondie85
23. Chapter 23 by Blondie85
24. Chapter 24 by Blondie85
25. Chapter 25 by Blondie85
25. Chapter 25 by Blondie85
SPUN:
1: where do I begin…
“So that's it then…we’re over. Just like that…”
“I guess so… baby we aren’t happy we both know that…as much as I love you, this
life…it’s just not for Me.” she said holding my hand. How could she not be happy, id
given her my all…I just didn’t understand.
“I love you too.” And I did, for over three years we’d been together - been
through it all…and now she was just walking out of my life.
“God this is hard.” She said as she visibly held back the tears.
“Then don’t leave…stay…or ill go with you?”
She just shook her head.
“J it’s a charity drive in Africa, now I know you….even there you'd stick out like a
sore thumb baby, and I need to do this…for me and its not fair on you…I need to
get away from this life, I need a fresh start.”
“With out me…I know you need this and im trying to support it…but I just don’t how
to BE, without you…” I paused for a second, it was then I just had to
wonder, “Harri what happened to us?”
“Baby we just grew – up and apart from each other our lives are destined for
different things, I know that now…. but I do love you….” She kissed my forehead
sweetly.
“I love you too…always…” I kissed her lips once and pulled back – unsure for the
first time ever how to act around her. She shooed that thought away the second
she kissed me full force on the lips.
That led to a real kiss, several infact…that led to the last time I imagined we’d ever
make love….
She was leaving the next day, I fell in love with her heart and now she and it was
leaving me to help others. Ill admit at that moment I was really ticked off with
the “less fortunate”, they got her and I was left alone….
Never before had I experienced a break up that involved sex, love, and
promises….it was an end that felt like a beginning.
And in a way it was…
I guess in order to fill you in; I should begin as they say at the beginning.
Just one question, are you ready for this - Are you ready to be spun?
I met Shaharra almost four years to the day that she left. I was doin my thing in the MTV studios in the city of amazement that is and was New York. At the time she was working her way up the production ladder, she was then a lowly secretary.
But I fell right then and there as she and I literally bumped heads. Damn elevators I tell you.
She was coming out I was rushing in…and so it began.
She smiled at me awkwardly, I apologised left right and centre just like my
momma taught me.
I was nothing if not a gentleman.
“No, no it’s my fault sir I wasn’t lookin-“
“Sir?” I laughed out loud, I was 19 she didn’t look a day older and I sure as hell
wasn’t a “sir” “Girl watch who you callin’ sir here okay…Im not that old you know…”
She smiled at looked at her feet, still holding the massive stack of papers.
“Im Justin by the way and you are?” apart from being cute as hell…
“Im Shaharra, and I know who you are….your the one who made it damn near
impossible to get in here today…” she smirked, again looking at her feet. I just
wish I could catch those eyes….
“Oh and why is that Shaharra?”
“Well Justin” she stressed my name as I finally met her chocolate eyes with swirls
of caramel in them as she looked me up and down. “Apparently if you’re under 85
and have breasts we have to be “i d’d” in case we’d attack you or some shit…” well
she sure changed her tune, it wasn’t sir but shit she was spouting now. I had to
laugh she seemed so irritated so quickly.
“Im sorry I caused all of that, did you have a hard time getting in or something?”
“Well yes…I started here Monday and my pass with my id wasn’t ready in time and
it won’t be for the rest of the week. So getting the security convinced I wasn’t just
another obsessed fan, well it was difficult as hell and I was super late too…” she
stopped ranting and looked up at me again this time I spotted it- she was
embarrassed.
“Oh god listen to me…I just don’t know when to shut up really it’s a problem…”
“No its fine…and im sorry again. Though to be honest you do look like one of our
fans…” she snapped her head my way again.
“Oh and why is that?”
“Well…you know all Nsync’s fans are HOT girl…and you fit the bill nicely…” yeah
corny I know but what do you want I was 19….it seemed fine at the time. And
luckily she fell for my goofy yet loveable charm. She giggled, and smiled. From
her eyes too that's how I knew she was genuine.
“I guess I should take that as a compliment?”
“You most definitely should…what do you here anyway?”
with that she rolled her eyes, “secretary…On TRL at the minute…three years
training in production and this is what I do….but im not complaining, gotta start
somewhere!” she smiled, this time I knew it wasn’t real…couldn’t say I blamed her,
working all day everyday with Carson Daly - well that would kill anyone’s spirit.
“Daly?”
“yeah…meeting now, so…” and with that at the 25th floor the door “binged” and out
she stepped in allowing me to get a good look at her. She had a nice frame, about
5’ 3’ creamy caramel skin with her long hair just pined back. And needless to say
she had a booty to rival a certain Ms Knowles…only hers didn’t look as enormous, but in a really good way. It fitted just nicely for her petite frame.
Very nicely if I do say so myself, after that I didn’t see her again for at least six
months. Then we we’re due on TRL again for the release of the new album –
Celebrity. And I saw her again.
She looked different, more assured…confident, and completely ignoring me.
In the green room she was briefing some people; I was sitting with JC waiting to
go on.
“Hello again.” I offered as she stood over us with her schedules in hand.
“Hi.” She didn’t look up. And I had to admit to being a little hurt at that. I was
newly single – even though no one knew…and I liked her…her look at that point
anyway.
“Justin and JC you’re on just after the top 8 song then after that we’ll go straight
into the interview with Carson, sample some tracks and then just before the
number one song you’ll do the fan thing….ok”
“Okay that's great thanks.” JC said as I did everything I subconsciously could think
of to get her to talk to me.
It didn’t work.
Needless to say it didn’t stay that way, sure I went after her…sure I all but
cornered her until she talked to me…but I did it in my own charming roundabout
non stalkerish way that she seemed to find endearing.
“You know had anyone else followed me down two hallways and into an empty
office I think id be scared…” she smiled handing me a small cup filled with ice
water.
“Sorry I just didn’t think you remembered me…” I said, and yeah I know how
dumb it sounded.
“Like that could happen…” she smiled again, and I was beginning to like seeing
that look on her.
“So you like it here now?”
“No…but its okay…And Carson isn’t the ass most people expect…I mean he IS an
ass, but just not like some people expect. And the pay’s cool…so its fine.”
“Wow you sound so overwhelmed…” I scoffed and he nudged me off her desk
“Well so damn sorry we can’t all have an amazing self rewarding job like you Mr Timberlake…”
“Well ms….” I realised I didn’t know her last name. And she twigged too, staring in
that expectant way – she was making me suffer.
“Uhh…um, whats your last name?”
She laughed again at that, letting up finally.
“Its Green, Shaharra Green.”
“Thanks…”I added finally.
“Umm Justin speaking of a job, don’t you have to be going??” she noted the time.
“OH SHIT!!! I do” I made my way out of the office “But um…could we maybe go
out sometime…maybe?” Lame I know, but again I hadn’t asked a girl out in a long
while what was I supposed to do.
“Yeah maybe….goodbye Justin…” she waved me off.
“See ya Shaharra…”
And I did, for coffee three days later, we talked we laughed and she's told me
later in the relationship that then is when she fell in love with me, right then. And
id have to agree with her.
She just had this…aura I guess that I was drawn too.
It wasn’t all smooth sailing, by any means. We dated on and off for six months we
did the whole “Long distance” thing, and I can tell you it sucked.
There was mistrust insecurities and apprehension, and that was just me. when we
didn’t get to each other for weeks on end, we’d fight just mainly I guess because
we were scared…
Or at least I was. She was alone most of the time, as was I…and when we’d finally get to BE together it was rushed and not nearly long enough for us to get into it.
The long and short of those six months was – we missed each other like crazy,
and you know what they say absents makes the heart grow fonder…its so true.
It also make you as horny as hell. We broke up, she dated other guys….Okay well
one other guy – Adam something…ASS…that bucked me up. So I did what I had to
in order to win her back – I told her the truth.
Then I professed my love for her after I thought id lost her it was hard for me to
open up again, but it took me almost losing her to show me how much she meant
to me, thankfully she realised I was stupid and in need of serious looking after and
hey until now she hadn’t left me since.
We moved in almost a year after we got together and she moved to LA in order to
do that…It was a mammoth sacrifice for her, she was a New York girl born and
bread….LA was a change.
But for three years she headed my production company – she loved her job and I
loved her in it.
I just loved her, and I thought we were fine….but looking back on it.
We weren’t…near the end of our run we were fighting so much, we we’re basically
just going through the motions. We rowed for days on end; she left me a few
times…then id beg for her forgiveness and get her back and it would be all sex and
roses for at least a month. But it wore off and we fought again and again.
She was right we weren’t happy.
But all in all I knew id never love another woman like I loved her….
When she left to do her thing in Africa, something she had been wanting to do she told me since she was a little girl, I knew she’d be out of the states for at least two
months. I admired her for what she was doing. She was leaving everything just to
help…just to help. Id never done that, given up my life for something so pure.
Ill admit that ive “given” to charities, but she always seemed to think that, that
wasn’t the right way to do things…that in order to really help we had to be “hands
on”. She felt that way about everything she did…it was one of the many things I
loved about her…she said that in order to do something you had to do it right. And
she was…for those who needed her more than she thought I did.
She was wrong, I needed her.
********
Leaving him was hard, scratch that it was fucking excruciating – he was the love of
my life.
Whats that old saying, cant live with them or without them? Well that's how it was
with us.
He was my world; I grew into the woman I am today in major part – thanks to him.
He was forced to grow up at a real early age, on the outside anyway…so when I
came along I guess it was just his way of letting lose. We’d party, drink and dance
all night, sleep on the roof just to see the sun rise before anyone else. We’d just
sit sometimes for hours on end in complete silence just looking at each other…
Sounds magical doesn’t it…well it was…and then it really, really wasn’t.
Because you see as much as we’d love, we’d fight…the territory of a passionate
relationship I guess…it has to manifest itself one way or the other, and the one
thing we definitely were was passionate – for each other.
It was our downfall…
We became wrapped up in our own little world…then we’d leave it and have to
work to insane schedules, we’d be apart for long times on end and then we’d fight
just too….well fight.
For a while it was ok because the making up was the best part of the fighting, but
sooner rather than later the making up just wasn’t happening, and we were always
at each other.
We weren’t happy. I needed to leave him before we ended up hating each other
So long as there was love between us we’d never be strangers – he told me that
once…
I really hope he meant it. I needed him to mean that, because as soon as I was in
touch with the people and the children that I wanted and intended to help…I miss his ass something rotten.
Id call once a week, I know not exactly “ex” behaviour…but what you have to
understand is, this man was my WHOLE life for almost three years…it was hard to
just let go…
So hard.
*****
I love hearing her voice on the other end of the line, for a while every week it was
like we were US again, but then she’d hang up and id end up alone in a huge dark
empty house.
She knew this, she knew I was moping…see she knew me THAT well…
“Justin come on we’ve talked about this…you need to go out…with Nick, or Trace or
SOMEONE anyone…Please? You need to find a girl and just…”
“You want me laid that badly???” Id laugh, she’d scowled me.
“No, I want you to move on baby…please? I don’t like the idea of you there
alone...”
“So then come home and I won’t be…” I hoped.
“J…” I knew the tone, the “not this again tone”
“Harri…”
“You want me to hang up?” she threatened.
“No…”
“So then promise me you’ll leave the house this weekend and go to a club or
something…Mingle…dance…”
“Are you doin that?”
“Boy do you know where I am? There are people here with Nothin…it’s amazing…
they have nothing and somehow they just embrace everything like it might be
their last breath…its eye opening”
I wish I was with her…
“So you have to move on before you wallow into your caveman phase.”
“How did-“
She always hated the beard.
“I know…I can practically hear the scratching…Now go shower shave and go
mingle. It’s an order.”
“You’re not the boss of me any more missy…” I joked hoping she wasn’t serious.
“That’s right J am not…so go find some to boss you…you need it…”
I did, I went out with my pimp game ready and waiting. I went to the most “be
seen at” club of the week. That week it turned out to be “spider” I met/ I mingled
just like I was told…but none of them held up to her, not even a little bit.
“So what do you do?” I asked while dancing with this cute brunette I think her
name was Linda
“Im a model, don’t you see it??”
Wow conceeeeited
“Uhh yeah I see it…you’re very…”
“I know!” she spinned and grinded, hard… not only was she conceited but she was
kinda a whore.
“Well okay then…”
I know I shouldn’t have but maybe I should…I wasn’t even sure I wasn’t attached I
was in theory at least – free and single.
So I asked her back to my place, let her do as much of the talking as possible
(guess who her favourite topic was???* And then…I had sex with her.
And I won’t front and lie and say I didn’t enjoy it…model girl…uhh Linda that's right
she had some moves.
But she wasn’t Shaharra….
But I came to – no pun intended- a conclusion that night.
If I was like she said “to move on” id need to let her go…I needed to, for one thing
stop with the calls. As much as I love it, they weren’t healthy…
But I was scared, I was scared for her NOT to be there…for real this time.
But I knew it had to be done.
“Harri you know I love hearing you and all of what your doin’” I began “but what
you were sayin’ about us and moving on an all?”
“Yeah…”
“Well I…just think that maybe if we keep this up that it might not happen!” god
man get some balls just tell her!
“What are you talkin about j?”
“What a mean is….its like this…these call, I love em and you know I wait for em’
but I can move on right if we…you keep….”
I didn’t need to continue, not that I could…
“I see…you want the calls to stop. You want me to stop callin’”
“I think we need it…” I stalled.
“I knew that, I knew that the first time I called. I just needed you to be the one
to…”
“Say it?” I finished for her.
“Yeah…to say it in your own little roundabout way…” she giggled. “So THIS is really
it then….” She took a deep breath I heard it over the line.
“It has to be…”
“Right…well baby, have a nice life…” she sniffled; I knew she’d cry when she hung
up, and the more feminine part of me can’t really blame her.
“You too harri, you too.”
At that moment I thought that was the last time id ever hear from her…ooh buy
was I wrong!!!
You won’t believe what happened next…..
Author's Notes:
well im not sure if any ones reading this, but if you are I thank you and will love you if you review
Now the glitch is…
Five months went by, very slowly. She didn’t call so I didn’t even know if she was back in the US or not. My guess was that if she was, she moved back to New York…she always said it was more her home than anywhere she had sent her thing to her moms when we…broke up so even then I didn’t know where she was.
Her family didn’t like me very much. She was raised by her mom so she was pretty against me talking her baby away from her like that…I was the millionaire with no manners apparently.
I always hoped she’d get over it but she never did, no matter what I did or didn’t do I wasn’t good enough…guess she was right.
In all this ive failed to mention, I met some one. A real someone.
She wasn’t like the others id dated. She was like me in the way that she was well known…extremely well known actually. In fact we bonded over our hatred of the press – romantic huh? Yeah well…she's an actress her names Carmen.
So we’ve been a thing for three months and four days.
She's sweet and funny and cute she laughed at my stupid jokes…so I have no problems with her at all in fact id go as far as to say I was…falling in love with her.
Stranger things had happened.
*****
Going back to the US was a big step for me, id spent months away and I wasn’t even sure what I had to come back to. I went home to my mom, after being gone longer that id planned.
Well I had something’s to think over. Id been gone four and a half months when I decided to make the trip home.
It wasn’t something I was looking forward to. But I did it, I was safe in the hands of my mamma and that's just how I needed it then.
See in my time away id gone through a lot of changes, spiritually – seeing all I saw helping all id helped, emotionally- losing my love and restarting my life. Physically….well….we’ll get to that eventually.
I managed to get a job via the amazing recommendations of “Tennman productions” id over seen and produced two tours for Justin – all filmed for the company and for MTV, then did a few Christina things, and even NERD too.
Apparently I knew my shit now, so MTV rehired me….As production executive for Cribs.
I was in heaven, most of the time any way.
But I missed him with all my heart I missed him. And it killed me not to be able to call him…when I was going through all the changes; I missed not having him with me.
But as my momma kept telling me, it was what I wanted…what we both wanted. And I wasn’t stupid I saw her – the actress he was seeing. In my…his house…with my…her boyfriend…like I said it was tricky getting used to that.
Settling back into a routine was good for me though, as much as my charity was amazing and it was still going strong I needed a life in this world. I needed to start rebuilding.
Looking for an appartment was first on my “to do” list – the others would come after that.
“Honey now come on…up town is UP town do you know how hard its gonna be for me to visit…my hips a’int my own anymore baby…”
“Mom please your 49 not 70 and don’t joke about shit like that…”
“Are you cussing me? I know my only daughter didn’t just cuss at me!” she exclaimed loudly from the kitchen as I flicked through Doctor Phil.
“No momma I didn’t cuss at you…” I rolled my eyes. I was a grown woman and she still treated me this way…well I grew used to it.
“I didn’t think so, now just because you’re about to become a mommy too doesn’t give you the –“
“I know, the right to sass you…I know the drill im sorry it’s just this is freaking me out SO much. I need a place to be, to put this little one for a start.” I rubbed my ever expanding belly, being five months pregnant and working full time wasn’t fun at the minute.
Ooh I forgot to mention that didn’t i…
Well yeah, im pregnant and loving it. And filled with guilt, I know its wrong not telling him. But look at it this way, we’re both happy now. He seems content with the actress that I refuse to name. What kind of ghetto ass name is Carmen anyways? Please!! My bet it isn’t even her actual name…she's tall and blonde and just has that look – you know the ever peppy cheerleader look.
Typical of him isn’t it… but like I said he was happy I was…getting there.
So now it was just me and my baby…my little bun in my ever escalating oven.
Five months and counting, I can’t say Im not looking forward to the due date. Im small usually and im not loving the belly much, its hell to work and log around the extra weight. Ill just be happy when ever he/ she gets here…and wait for it, my due date? The day before Justin’s birthday…Karma, I know it is…
Ive had to deal with a lot since I announced that I was pregnant not only from my mamma…but from my friends, ive avoided the lot of them in LA through the simple fear that word will get back to Justin.
And my city friends, well…they just give the “the look” you know, the look whenever they disapprove of something? That one, every time they bring up the subject of me telling my baby daddy.
It’s just not something I want to do…we’re done – end of story. He doesn’t NEED To know…
Does he?
Boxed up memories….
“Justin are you sure you have everything? We can’t come back again”
“I know, I know I just forgot my wallet was in the other jeans carm, sorry baby...”
She smiled.
“Okay…let’s go…” I took her hand in mine and headed out the door. Finally some anonymity, it was one thing I loved about New York. The people we’re so relaxed about the presence of a “celebrity” that it made it so easy to just go out and have dinner – no bodyguards needed.
“I love serendipity…it’s so cute…and I love these…” she said as we dug into our frozen hot chocolates…the only reason I sat through dinner was to have this at the end.
“I know…it’s this I love, id ship em to LA if I could…No where does this like THIS anywhere else…” I slurped away.
“Justin…”
“Yes carm?” I looked over to her…she seemed so unsure of something.
“I just. You know how we've talked about our past partners and everything.”
How could I forget, it was the most uncomfortable hour id spent with her since we met.
It was particularly bad when I got all emotional about Shaharra…it wasn’t pretty.
“Yes…what about it?”
“Well” she took a deep breath “you said you were over that girl…shakarra.”
“Shaharra…” I corrected “and I am…why do you ask?”
“I was looking through your closets the other day. I figured I left my sweater there…and I found this box.”
Oooh noo…
“I can explain that…” no I really couldn’t. “I am over her, it’s just those things…well I don’t know where she is so I can’t really send them.” I lied.
It was a rather big box, with her things in it…some clothes, hats and most importantly our photos…all of them. I boxed them all up in one of my very drunken “I don’t need her” nights. I never did have the heart to just bin it.
“Well why don’t you just get rid of them…you say you’re over her…why would you even care about some stupid shit…”
“It’s not shit!” I blurted out granted without much thought.
“Well then if its not why keep it in a box…im sure you’d love to decorate the halls with the pictures of you too…they are cute!” she all but yelled, yeah id done it. Id pissed her off big time.
“Baby…”
“No don’t baby me Justin…if you love me like you say you love then you’ll get rid of all her crap!”
“Ok, okay…ill do as soon as we get back home. I promise.”
She softened, thankfully and we continued on with our meal.
The conversation was sparse, and I was a little distracted with the laugh that came from the back booths of the restaurant.
Carmen made some remark about “people having no manners” but I was too busy listening to notice what else she was yakking on about.
I knew that laugh, hell I loved that laugh…
It was Shaharra; I knew it even before I looked over.
And I was right, as always…okay well this once anyway.
There she was, sitting with her mom, and some blonde girl.
Laughing at the top of her lungs, looking completely adorable. Her crimped hair in tiny tendrils.
I wanted so bad to go over and talk to her…then again I had a jealous enough girlfriend with me, I didn’t want to add to the weirdness between - oh who was I kidding she’d get over it…all I wanted to do was go over there.
Damn it! I was a man, I wanted to do something I was gonna do it…although no doubt id pay for it later.
“Carm, excuse me one moment…”
“You’re joking right?”
“Ill be right back…” I got up and made my way to the back of the restaurant. Where I still heard her laughter ringing in my ears.
Or was that the ringing from holding my breath? Eh well either way I was headed HER way.
I took a deep breath again before I reached the corner where she was sitting.
The laughter stopped short as her mom saw me. I swear if looks could kill…Id be a dead ass man.
“Hillary…Long time no see…”I walked to the other side of the booth, so I could she her. “Shaharra…hey?”
“JUSTIN? Ooh...Hi…” that's it, a HI?
“Hi…how’ve you been?” she looked at her mother with daggers, you the kind people use when they wanna say something REAL bad…
“Ive been good…great…you?”
“Cant complain…when did you get back?” she leaned into the table, just as she grabbed her massive purse to sit it on her lap.
“Umm a few months ago I um…had a few things to take care of here, so I…uhh…”
Yeah, it was awkward…to say the least…but it wasn’t like I expected any less. We were Ex’s now this is how it was supposed to be.
***************
I swear to god when he showed up at the table I thought id die of shock…then the obvious came into view so the only thing I could think of was grabbing my big ass handbag to block his “view” of all things…if he was going to find out it was NOT gonna be in my favourite restaurant.
Hell NO.
“So…is that your new…I mean is she” I looked behind me, well I had to I sensed the daggers staring me right in the back of the head.
“Uhh…well” he blushed, it was cute really – like he didn’t realise I read the enquirer? “She is yeah that's Carmen…uhh.”
“J its okay I know who she is…” he took a deep breath while my mom still stared him down – I prayed to Jesus that she wouldn’t rat me out.
“Shaharra sweetheart excuse me im going to the ladies…” she violently pushed past Justin, even when he stood up to let her out of the booth, Leesa on my left looked at me awkwardly and then made her excuses to the ladies also…bitches leaving me alone!
“Harri, can I ask you something?” he leaned in and I clutched to my Chloe leather purse.
“Um, sure…” I was going to hell…
“Why didn’t you tell me you were…?” See I was sooo going to hell. “Home.”
I looked him in the eye for the second time since he’d scooted to sit down, and his eyes caught me off guard- id forgotten just how blue they were…Intense, I hoped my baby would have those eyes…
“Harri?” he snapped me out of my daze.
“OH…um…well I um….” He grabbed one of my hands and I swear to Jesus I almost died.
“Relax ok…it’s just me…” he smiled, I loved his smile….
“Justin…the thing is that...”
“Shahara? Baby ive hailed us all a cab its waiting outside.” My mother inserted standing over me with that one arched eyebrow – it was meant to say “if you don’t hurry up and tell him I will…
“MOMMA, I can’t go now!” I glanced back at Justin…then I gave her the Back off eyebrow.
I was having trouble breathing, I was gonna be busted for sure…she didn’t like him but she thought he and the baby had a right to know each other…
Damn wisdom.
“No honey you know how they are, at its almost 9 I think we should GET GOING.” She stressed again through a tight smile, and I was sure Justin knew what was going on, what with all the physic fighting she and I were doin’
Then she did something I wasn’t expecting. She grabbed my hand.
“Come on!” Justin just looked at us both like we were on drugs.
I got off the chair, still somehow managing to clutch my bag again my massive belly with the other hand.
“I do have to go…”
“Uh well listen it was great seeing you again and maybe if im in town again we-“
“J” I whispered “you have a girlfriend…”
“Well as friends then…” he persisted. Damn him and those eyes…those lips…had he been working out? A HORMONE overload…that’s what I blame.
“Umm maybe... I…” and just as MY luck would have it some hapless waiter walked into the section, to our table to clear, and he just knocks into me, causing me to….yeah you guessed it DROP the bag…
Now I can’t tell you what happened after that, all I saw were his eyes journey from my eyes to my belly…then they expanded so wide I thought they’d pop right outta his pretty lil head...
Then I punked out, and passed out….
Yeah I was busted now alright…..
Author's Notes:
well im not sure if any ones reading this, but if you are I thank you and will love you if you review
Now the glitch is…
Five months went by, very slowly. She didn’t call so I didn’t even know if she was back in the US or not. My guess was that if she was, she moved back to New York…she always said it was more her home than anywhere she had sent her thing to her moms when we…broke up so even then I didn’t know where she was.
Her family didn’t like me very much. She was raised by her mom so she was pretty against me talking her baby away from her like that…I was the millionaire with no manners apparently.
I always hoped she’d get over it but she never did, no matter what I did or didn’t do I wasn’t good enough…guess she was right.
In all this ive failed to mention, I met some one. A real someone.
She wasn’t like the others id dated. She was like me in the way that she was well known…extremely well known actually. In fact we bonded over our hatred of the press – romantic huh? Yeah well…she's an actress her names Carmen.
So we’ve been a thing for three months and four days.
She's sweet and funny and cute she laughed at my stupid jokes…so I have no problems with her at all in fact id go as far as to say I was…falling in love with her.
Stranger things had happened.
*****
Going back to the US was a big step for me, id spent months away and I wasn’t even sure what I had to come back to. I went home to my mom, after being gone longer that id planned.
Well I had something’s to think over. Id been gone four and a half months when I decided to make the trip home.
It wasn’t something I was looking forward to. But I did it, I was safe in the hands of my mamma and that's just how I needed it then.
See in my time away id gone through a lot of changes, spiritually – seeing all I saw helping all id helped, emotionally- losing my love and restarting my life. Physically….well….we’ll get to that eventually.
I managed to get a job via the amazing recommendations of “Tennman productions” id over seen and produced two tours for Justin – all filmed for the company and for MTV, then did a few Christina things, and even NERD too.
Apparently I knew my shit now, so MTV rehired me….As production executive for Cribs.
I was in heaven, most of the time any way.
But I missed him with all my heart I missed him. And it killed me not to be able to call him…when I was going through all the changes; I missed not having him with me.
But as my momma kept telling me, it was what I wanted…what we both wanted. And I wasn’t stupid I saw her – the actress he was seeing. In my…his house…with my…her boyfriend…like I said it was tricky getting used to that.
Settling back into a routine was good for me though, as much as my charity was amazing and it was still going strong I needed a life in this world. I needed to start rebuilding.
Looking for an appartment was first on my “to do” list – the others would come after that.
“Honey now come on…up town is UP town do you know how hard its gonna be for me to visit…my hips a’int my own anymore baby…”
“Mom please your 49 not 70 and don’t joke about shit like that…”
“Are you cussing me? I know my only daughter didn’t just cuss at me!” she exclaimed loudly from the kitchen as I flicked through Doctor Phil.
“No momma I didn’t cuss at you…” I rolled my eyes. I was a grown woman and she still treated me this way…well I grew used to it.
“I didn’t think so, now just because you’re about to become a mommy too doesn’t give you the –“
“I know, the right to sass you…I know the drill im sorry it’s just this is freaking me out SO much. I need a place to be, to put this little one for a start.” I rubbed my ever expanding belly, being five months pregnant and working full time wasn’t fun at the minute.
Ooh I forgot to mention that didn’t i…
Well yeah, im pregnant and loving it. And filled with guilt, I know its wrong not telling him. But look at it this way, we’re both happy now. He seems content with the actress that I refuse to name. What kind of ghetto ass name is Carmen anyways? Please!! My bet it isn’t even her actual name…she's tall and blonde and just has that look – you know the ever peppy cheerleader look.
Typical of him isn’t it… but like I said he was happy I was…getting there.
So now it was just me and my baby…my little bun in my ever escalating oven.
Five months and counting, I can’t say Im not looking forward to the due date. Im small usually and im not loving the belly much, its hell to work and log around the extra weight. Ill just be happy when ever he/ she gets here…and wait for it, my due date? The day before Justin’s birthday…Karma, I know it is…
Ive had to deal with a lot since I announced that I was pregnant not only from my mamma…but from my friends, ive avoided the lot of them in LA through the simple fear that word will get back to Justin.
And my city friends, well…they just give the “the look” you know, the look whenever they disapprove of something? That one, every time they bring up the subject of me telling my baby daddy.
It’s just not something I want to do…we’re done – end of story. He doesn’t NEED To know…
Does he?
Boxed up memories….
“Justin are you sure you have everything? We can’t come back again”
“I know, I know I just forgot my wallet was in the other jeans carm, sorry baby...”
She smiled.
“Okay…let’s go…” I took her hand in mine and headed out the door. Finally some anonymity, it was one thing I loved about New York. The people we’re so relaxed about the presence of a “celebrity” that it made it so easy to just go out and have dinner – no bodyguards needed.
“I love serendipity…it’s so cute…and I love these…” she said as we dug into our frozen hot chocolates…the only reason I sat through dinner was to have this at the end.
“I know…it’s this I love, id ship em to LA if I could…No where does this like THIS anywhere else…” I slurped away.
“Justin…”
“Yes carm?” I looked over to her…she seemed so unsure of something.
“I just. You know how we've talked about our past partners and everything.”
How could I forget, it was the most uncomfortable hour id spent with her since we met.
It was particularly bad when I got all emotional about Shaharra…it wasn’t pretty.
“Yes…what about it?”
“Well” she took a deep breath “you said you were over that girl…shakarra.”
“Shaharra…” I corrected “and I am…why do you ask?”
“I was looking through your closets the other day. I figured I left my sweater there…and I found this box.”
Oooh noo…
“I can explain that…” no I really couldn’t. “I am over her, it’s just those things…well I don’t know where she is so I can’t really send them.” I lied.
It was a rather big box, with her things in it…some clothes, hats and most importantly our photos…all of them. I boxed them all up in one of my very drunken “I don’t need her” nights. I never did have the heart to just bin it.
“Well why don’t you just get rid of them…you say you’re over her…why would you even care about some stupid shit…”
“It’s not shit!” I blurted out granted without much thought.
“Well then if its not why keep it in a box…im sure you’d love to decorate the halls with the pictures of you too…they are cute!” she all but yelled, yeah id done it. Id pissed her off big time.
“Baby…”
“No don’t baby me Justin…if you love me like you say you love then you’ll get rid of all her crap!”
“Ok, okay…ill do as soon as we get back home. I promise.”
She softened, thankfully and we continued on with our meal.
The conversation was sparse, and I was a little distracted with the laugh that came from the back booths of the restaurant.
Carmen made some remark about “people having no manners” but I was too busy listening to notice what else she was yakking on about.
I knew that laugh, hell I loved that laugh…
It was Shaharra; I knew it even before I looked over.
And I was right, as always…okay well this once anyway.
There she was, sitting with her mom, and some blonde girl.
Laughing at the top of her lungs, looking completely adorable. Her crimped hair in tiny tendrils.
I wanted so bad to go over and talk to her…then again I had a jealous enough girlfriend with me, I didn’t want to add to the weirdness between - oh who was I kidding she’d get over it…all I wanted to do was go over there.
Damn it! I was a man, I wanted to do something I was gonna do it…although no doubt id pay for it later.
“Carm, excuse me one moment…”
“You’re joking right?”
“Ill be right back…” I got up and made my way to the back of the restaurant. Where I still heard her laughter ringing in my ears.
Or was that the ringing from holding my breath? Eh well either way I was headed HER way.
I took a deep breath again before I reached the corner where she was sitting.
The laughter stopped short as her mom saw me. I swear if looks could kill…Id be a dead ass man.
“Hillary…Long time no see…”I walked to the other side of the booth, so I could she her. “Shaharra…hey?”
“JUSTIN? Ooh...Hi…” that's it, a HI?
“Hi…how’ve you been?” she looked at her mother with daggers, you the kind people use when they wanna say something REAL bad…
“Ive been good…great…you?”
“Cant complain…when did you get back?” she leaned into the table, just as she grabbed her massive purse to sit it on her lap.
“Umm a few months ago I um…had a few things to take care of here, so I…uhh…”
Yeah, it was awkward…to say the least…but it wasn’t like I expected any less. We were Ex’s now this is how it was supposed to be.
***************
I swear to god when he showed up at the table I thought id die of shock…then the obvious came into view so the only thing I could think of was grabbing my big ass handbag to block his “view” of all things…if he was going to find out it was NOT gonna be in my favourite restaurant.
Hell NO.
“So…is that your new…I mean is she” I looked behind me, well I had to I sensed the daggers staring me right in the back of the head.
“Uhh…well” he blushed, it was cute really – like he didn’t realise I read the enquirer? “She is yeah that's Carmen…uhh.”
“J its okay I know who she is…” he took a deep breath while my mom still stared him down – I prayed to Jesus that she wouldn’t rat me out.
“Shaharra sweetheart excuse me im going to the ladies…” she violently pushed past Justin, even when he stood up to let her out of the booth, Leesa on my left looked at me awkwardly and then made her excuses to the ladies also…bitches leaving me alone!
“Harri, can I ask you something?” he leaned in and I clutched to my Chloe leather purse.
“Um, sure…” I was going to hell…
“Why didn’t you tell me you were…?” See I was sooo going to hell. “Home.”
I looked him in the eye for the second time since he’d scooted to sit down, and his eyes caught me off guard- id forgotten just how blue they were…Intense, I hoped my baby would have those eyes…
“Harri?” he snapped me out of my daze.
“OH…um…well I um….” He grabbed one of my hands and I swear to Jesus I almost died.
“Relax ok…it’s just me…” he smiled, I loved his smile….
“Justin…the thing is that...”
“Shahara? Baby ive hailed us all a cab its waiting outside.” My mother inserted standing over me with that one arched eyebrow – it was meant to say “if you don’t hurry up and tell him I will…
“MOMMA, I can’t go now!” I glanced back at Justin…then I gave her the Back off eyebrow.
I was having trouble breathing, I was gonna be busted for sure…she didn’t like him but she thought he and the baby had a right to know each other…
Damn wisdom.
“No honey you know how they are, at its almost 9 I think we should GET GOING.” She stressed again through a tight smile, and I was sure Justin knew what was going on, what with all the physic fighting she and I were doin’
Then she did something I wasn’t expecting. She grabbed my hand.
“Come on!” Justin just looked at us both like we were on drugs.
I got off the chair, still somehow managing to clutch my bag again my massive belly with the other hand.
“I do have to go…”
“Uh well listen it was great seeing you again and maybe if im in town again we-“
“J” I whispered “you have a girlfriend…”
“Well as friends then…” he persisted. Damn him and those eyes…those lips…had he been working out? A HORMONE overload…that’s what I blame.
“Umm maybe... I…” and just as MY luck would have it some hapless waiter walked into the section, to our table to clear, and he just knocks into me, causing me to….yeah you guessed it DROP the bag…
Now I can’t tell you what happened after that, all I saw were his eyes journey from my eyes to my belly…then they expanded so wide I thought they’d pop right outta his pretty lil head...
Then I punked out, and passed out….
Yeah I was busted now alright…..
Author's Notes:
Hi everyone, sorry about this i cant seem to see the other chapters to edit them so if this goes all crazy, please let me know!!
Thanks a mill for reading too babes!
Emergency Entrance:
When I woke up I was in a big bed covered in rough white sheets.
There was a beeping; there was something in my arm…A drip.
Aw damn…
I wasn’t in the damn hospital…oh wait I was.
I open my eyes fully, to see my mom sitting beside me…
“Mom what…”
“You only passed out!!” she exclaimed as she stood up “girl when was the last time
you ate? The doctor said you had extremely low blood sugar, you know that's not
good for the baby now don’t you!!! I mean come on sweetie you know all of this…”
she stood hands on hips looking at me with that air of disappointment I knew only too well.
I sighed as I tried to sit up, but my ever expanding belly was getting in the
way “Momma don’t lecture me okay, that's why we were in the damn restaurant
remember? But you were the one that was rushin’ us outta there as soon as you
spotted J…I never got a chance to eat! And damn it I was workin hard all day…”
“You fainted, if Justin hadn’t caught you, the baby could have been really hurt…”
she sighed as she sat back down again.
“Well it wasn’t…” I defied “where is he anyway?”
“Outside” she shrugged.
“HE'S HERE???” I assured he would have gone home with Blondie.
“Yes baby he's here, and he's worried and he's in shock! I told him what was going
on…he wants to talk to you!”
“Mom…why did you do that”
“Well he saw you were pregnant, DUH!” she smiled reaching for my hand “he
knows now…just talk to him…”
“You don’t even like him mom why are you pushing for this?” I sat up a little more,
being careful not to pop the tubes in my hand.
“I may not like him…but that baby NEEDS a daddy…and believe it or not sweetie
you’ll need more help than I can give you when the little one comes along, why
not let him be that help…”
I hated when she was right. And this was one of those times…
“ugh fine…” she nodded and walked out of the room, seconds later his frame came
padding in, hands in his pockets – looking like a six year old whose puppy just
died.
I felt like a bitch…
“Hi…”
“Hey…” I concurred as he took the seat formally occupied by my mom.
“So I guess you want an explanation huh?”
He just nodded…
“Well…Im…pregnant obviously” I began more nervously than I thought id be. “Ummm” he stood up
“Is it…I mean its mine right?”
“Yes…I mean who else?”
He just shrugged “HOW THE HELL WOULD I KNOW HARRI,”
“DON’T YELL AT ME OK!!”
“WHY THE HELL NOT! YOUR THE ONE WHO HID THIS…I MEAN IF…” he took a deep
breath, luckily so…otherwise I would have smack his stupid ass “if I hadn’t seen
you tonight…were you ever gonna tell me?”
No, I really hadn’t planned on it.
“We’re broken up why would i?”
“Shaharra! That's my…you’re…” I think he was the one gonna faint. “That’s my
baby in there…how could you not…”
“I was scared okay!” I admitted for the first time to anyone. “I was scared to see
you…getting over you. when I found out Justin- I wasn’t over you, and I didn’t
want to just show up because I knew we’d get comfortable again and maybe id slip
into my old ways with you – and we both didn’t need that its like…when I got back
I had just found out that I was for sure pregnant that was four months ago…I
wanted to tell you then, but I saw you with that woman…you seemed happy.”
“And?”
“And I didn’t want to disrupt that when I didn’t have to, we were over and this was
my thing it was my plan to keep and raise the baby…you didn’t need to be
involved.”
He stood up, his hands balled into fists “so you didn’t think id WANT to be involved
with my OWN baby? Harri you really think that little of me?” okay so id hurt him…
bad idea.
“No…I don’t know I just know that you seemed happy with her…I was happy for
you. And this whole thing just spun me for a loop and I at first didn’t really know
how to deal with it…”
And I hated her.
“Thanks but that doesn’t excuse…”
“I know okay I know that and for that I am so sorry.”
“So are you over me now?” he asked causing her not to have a truthful answer
She just nodded a weak yes…..
Then there was a silence as I tried to move again, he rushed over to hoist me up
helping raise my pillow.
It was sweet.
“Thanks…” I added as he sat down again this time staring at my stomach.
“So do you know…um what it...” he looked me in the eyes “do you know what it is
yet?”
I shook my head “Naw not yet…”
“Oh…” he sat in silence again until I wanted to scream just to make some kind of
noise.
“Harri…I want to be apart of the baby’s life…you know the deal with me and my
dad and I definitely don’t want that for him or her…but I want you to want that too.
If you don’t then we should make some kind of arrangement.” He stood up very
full of “im a man” presence.
“I see…”
“Look Harri I told you once that once that as long as there was love between us we
wouldn’t be strangers…I think this” he softly landed his hand on my belly “this is
enough love for us to become friends…at least”
Damn him and his weird wisdom- that always seemed to pop up at the weirdest of
times. Now I don’t know if I was hormonal or happy or relieved…or all of the
above but I started to cry.
“Baby…” he touched my face as he leaned in to me “Don’t cry…I hate it when you
cry.”
“I know, im sorry I just…didn’t realise how much I missed you…” I admitted, and
hey maybe I shouldn’t have…since he was in love with another woman after all.
“I missed you too…”
****
Needless to say I was shocked when I saw what I saw – her enormous stomach –
ala baby inside, my baby.
I didn’t know what to think, what to feel…and especially what to say. I mean it was
shocking just to see her there in the first place, even worse to see something
happening that I had helped cause and had no idea about. In a few short months
my life would never be the same again, never.
I was going to be a father…
Jesus. I – me? Of all people…I wasn’t sure if I was ready for such a responsibility.
There was about to be this little person completely dependant on ME.
And oh the person pregnant wasn’t my current girlfriend, it was my ex…a person
said current girlfriend had MAJOR issues with, even though the two had never
actually met.
I think her problems started when we’d been dating a few months and we we’re
moving some rooms around in the house and she happened to find some old home
movies of Harri and I.
They we’re anything X-rated…mostly…but there were moments that I guess no girl
wants to see…
So in a way I can’t blame her, my love with Harri was the Romeo & Juliet kinda
vibe…and now she was having my baby.
I wasn’t looking forward to going home.
When I left her at the restaurant she didn’t really know what was going on…the
conversation were I have to fill her in, I was guessing that shit was gonna be hard!
“Shaharra, what happens now? With you I mean your okay and everything?”
She nodded smiling “yeah blood sugar issues, im fine now.”
“And the baby?”
“She’s fine too.”
“She???” she knew what it was already.
“No I don’t know for sure yet…ive taken to calling it she, if it’s a boy ill apologise…
but um we’re both fine thank god. I get to go home tomorrow after another scan…”
I nodded, I knew she was gonna be fine.
But was I? That was the major question in my head at that second, the second
was…
“When are you due?” I needed to know that first of all
“January. 30th actually, day before your birthday” she smiled sitting up a little
more I could tell she was really uncomfortable.
“You’re kidding me…really?” it made me happy that we’d be close like that.
“Nope not kidding, when the doctor told me I nearly damn well fainted I mean it
would have to guilt me even more wouldn’t it…”
“okay…so we’ve got a little under five months…do you think we could start building
something now…I mean we don’t have to rush anything here….” I offered as gently
as I could. The last thing I wanted to do was scare her.
“Maybe…maybe we could start…gently.” She allowed me to take her hand. And she
squeezed it, in that reassuring way she always did.
We’d be okay. I knew it…I hoped it… I prayed.
***************************************************************************
Author's Notes:
Hiya! I really should be adding Manips to this just to give you all a better visual for things.
That will be coming up soon if you want it!
Thanks for reading!
Sweet child of…ours?
Two days after my discharge I was on rest, for a week. This meant a week off
work thankfully so I could just put my feet up and enjoy my babys hiccups without
all the running around.
Although with in those two days Justin had stopped by on both occasions.
Not that I wasn’t happy to see him, but with him was his girlfriend – Carmen.
I hate to admit it but she was nice, in that fake smiling through her teeth kind of
way.
Either way I wasn’t really that bothered about her, I was more bothered by him.
That awkward thing he did when we both talked Carmen and I that is.
He’d go all red and start scratching his head. Like he didn’t like that we were
talking. But then again he brought her along so what did he want? I was a lot of
thing, but I wasn’t rude.
She seemed nice, she asked about me, my job…and of course topic of the century
THE BABY.
I could tell she wasn’t comfortable…couldn’t say I blamed her.
I mean she was his new love, I was the old.
HOLY AWKWARD.
Regardless of her feeling towards me, the only thing I was concerned about was
my…our baby.
And when doctor Bloomberg asked me to attend another scan the day after I
asked Justin to come along – only if he wanted.
He almost jumped at the chance. He was smiling and twinklely all the way out the
door.
As I pulled up at the hospital and made my way into the maternity wing, there he
was sitting in the waiting area. Sunglasses and cap – his standard uniform for outings.
“Hey…you’re here. I was beginning to think I missed it!” he greeted me with a hug.
“Oh no, it was traffic. You’re not late I am! It’s just through here…” I added walking ahead of him rounding the corner of the crimson and azure coloured walls.
We went in and met with Dana my doctor. She looked a little baffled as to why he
was with me but she didn’t ask questions.
I laid down, and she did her thing allowing the image to come on the screen then
the beating started, and he was almost hypnotised.
It was too cute.
“So that's it, that's the baby…” he looked up at me and then squinted down at the
screen.
“Yes it is, that's it…um J do you want to know…the sex of the baby?” I asked him snapping him from his daze.
“They can do that?” he looked so overwhelmed “wow…yeah I mean yeah…id love
too? Is that okay doctor”
She agreed it was, if it was okay with me…it was. I wanted to know then I didn’t,
then I did…I settled that it would be best for when I moved into my new place, that
id know what colour to paint the second room.
“It’s fine…”
She moved the screen so we could both see it, and then she started to move the
little leaver on my belly “okay…well see here…” she pointed “this is where the sex
is, or isn’t…” she smiled “and I see here we have a little girl…congratulations.” She
smiled again, an affectionate happy smile.
That was contagious to both of us. I didn’t say anything I was too busy trying not
to picture the cute little outfits I saw in Fred Segal the day before.
“Wow…really it’s…a daughter?” Justin asked again, this time I could have sworn he
was a little teary eyed.
When we left the doctors, the walk to our respective vehicles he couldn’t stop
gushing.
“I mean think about how cute she's gonna be!! Your genes and these” he rolled his
eyes in a cocky manner “she's gonna be amazing!”
“Ok shallow much?” I laughed
“No, no I mean she's gonna be healthy and all I hope for that first and foremost”
he grinned awkwardly
“Well good.”
“Listen Har…Carmen’s gone back to LA, and well ive told my mom and dad
everyone, I hope you don’t mind if I stick around for a few days? I just want to
help you get settled into your new place, I want to help basically.” He stood
awkwardly, hands in his pockets again. It was that nervous gesture thing he did.
“You don’t need too, not if you have work or plans with her…I don’t want to be a
burden, I mean I can deal. My mom’s here and my friends…”
“You don’t want me to help?” he looked insulted, damn it.
“Well I mean if you want to…but only if you want.” I know I sounded like an idiot.
Well it was hard time for me, I was getting huge I was hormonal and I was hella
horny.
So yeah being around him was a little difficult.
He smiled finally, “yes I want to…Now if you’ll excuse me ive some shopping to
do…” he beeped open his Beemer that was weirdly enough parked only two spaces
beside mine.
“Shopping for what???”
“For our daughter silly…Any preferences?”
“On?”
He shrugged “I’o know…furniture for her room…baby stuff…”
“Baby stuff?” I laughed “what stuff you thinkin’ off here?”
“Toys…” he smirked knowing he was wrong. Causing me to roll my eyes at his
weirdness.
“For a new born, boy please tell my your joking here?” he walked over to my car
again.
“Well if you don’t want me to screw this up…come with me we can choose stuff
together, sound good?”
I was hesitant, for obvious reasons.
“I don’t know if that's such a good idea J…what if we’re papped wont Cara be
mad.” He laughed knowing I was dissin her.
“Its Carmen and no I don’t think she will be she's pretty mad all around so I don’t
think this will constitute another row…So will you come?”
He did that pouting puppy eyes thing that he knew made me melt…
“Please, it'll be fun and I don’t want to buy her something stupid.”
So yes I caved in, and I agreed to meet him at my appartment. Where I dropped
off my car and we took his, we had fun I had to admit.
“Hey Har, what you think of this?” he held up a little pink and yellow bear that may
have been cute but I didn’t think so…It looked evil.
“Na…”
“I think its sweet…” he lifted it to my face and put on a silly voice – almost babyish
“Harri, take me home…Im homeless and I am sooo cute…peese?” I had to laugh;
he was a grown ass man with the sense of humour of a six year old.
I missed that.
“Fine, you can take creepy teddy…but stick at the bottom of the basket…its
freaking me out.”
“Woman you have a fear of all inanimate objects Don’t’ya?” he laughed at me as
we circled the furniture section.
“NO…well only something’s….don’t go using all my info against me now J or ill bring
up the frog thing…”
“Hey now, frogs ARE creepy lil motherfuckers…china doll now, that's a different
matter.”
“What???” I defended “it’s the eyes man, it’s like they follow you all over the damn
place! UGH…NO.” I shuddered as we approached the crib section.
“Help me out here…” I insisted.
We shopped for necessities, and a few non- necessities. It was all helpful, and
grown up.
Crib, rocker cot, rocking chair, toys….all the good stuff.
It wasn’t so much fun when the pap’s showed up and started yelling at us and
wanting to know about my ever escalating belly. We ignored, and we walked but
they got their pictures…the Justin pulled a fast one, he stole their cameras, took
the film and handed em back…
Ooh boy.
“Assholes, I don’t know…” he exclaimed as soon as his ass hit the seat of the
car “In a city of millions HOW do they just show up like that…I fucking hate this.”
“I know…”
I did know, I knew for almost three years what it was like for him…and me, one of
the reasons I just had to end our relationship.
It was slowly killing me.
“I mean they just intrude like its nothing, like their yellin’ and hollerin’ isn’t shit! I
really wish they’d have laws again this shit…” he started the engine as the two
yelling photographers continued to make not so nice gestures at us in the car.
Bastards.
“Its okay, they don’t have any pictures now…but we’re going to have to be careful
J. I don’t want to be in the spotlight again, I don’t want the baby to be in the
spotlight.”
“You know that's easier said that done right? They are on my tail 24/7…how are we
gonna do that?”
I wish I knew I really did…It would have made things so much easier.
***
When we got to her appartment, her moms I should say it was empty…thankfully.
I just wasn’t up for dealing with her mom. I liked the woman and I knew that deep
down she knew I wasn’t the devil…or at least I hoped.
Regardless of what she thought of me, she was a social worker she wanted to right
by kids and I was guessing her grand kid wasn’t gonna be any different.
At the hospital she's seemed civil and she talked to me about Harri and then the
baby. She was mild with the news, that I was gonna be a daddy. I was thankful for
that ‘cause I think had she been forceful, I may have just died right there in the
damn restaurant.
“So where should I put all this stuff for now?” I asked hauling in the bags of baby
goodies.
“Oh just put em in my room for now, ill figure out what to do with them later.” She
sat her ass down, and flicked on the television.
Walking into her room, a million and one memories came flooding back at me.
That room was the stage for so much of our relationship. The first time we made
out…the first time we had sex…our first row, and of course our first make up. The
first time I realised that I loved her, but was too scared to tell her…all of it in that
lilac room.
“J”
Whoa, busted. She was standing behind me as I stood and looked around her
bedroom; god only knows what she thought I was doin’.
“What are you doing?” I faced her and looked sheepish – even though I tried not
too.
“Just…remembering stuff.” I admitted looking down at her floor.
“Oh…okay…” she stammered. “Well um…thanks for today, it was actually fun.”
“You thought it WOULDN’T?” I joked making her giggled – I loved her giggle, I
found it insanely sexy.
“No I honestly didn’t. I still feel awkward around you man…this whole thing, its
gonna take some getting used to you know?”
She was right, in a way. In should have been awkward…but it wasn’t for me, in all
honesty it felt so natural.
Her and me together again…it felt right.
“Justin when do you have to go back to LA?”
“Why?”
“Um no I was wondering – your girl…a’int she worried about you?”
“Na, we’re cool” I lied “ she's pretty understanding…and um I don’t gotta be back
till Sunday so when ever you need me to help you move all this stuff to your new
place, just let me know…”
She visibly thought it over. “You’re sure? Tribecca isn’t too far outta here…I get the
keys tomorrow, so…if you wanna go with me, or not…or meet me there
something?”
“Well Har, I need to be with you here, if im gonna help you move the shit?” I
laughed at her dumbness. She was nervous she always messed up when she got
nervous.
“Oh, duh…Okay meet me here then, say one?”
“One got it…ill see you sweetheart.” As I said it I did something I hadn’t planned
on, I kissed her on the cheek.
And just as I did, I got the whiff of her shampoo. It was the one she always used…
and I loved it.
It threw me...
“Uhh…yeah.” I mumbled “see ya…” almost sprinted out the door not really sure
what just came over me…but it was too nice to stick it out. I didn’t just want to kiss
her cheek; I wanted to KISS her – properly.
This wasn’t a good thing, not at all. I was meant to be in love with someone else….
Wasn’t I?
Author's Notes:
To those of you who are reading this, or were lol im so sorry its taken me so long to update. Uni is kicking my arse and im not coping so well with it at the moment! So i sortofkindof forgot... *ducks* any way to make it up here's two chapters for you reading pleasure!
Let me know whats what! ;)
Cold without your kisses....
Getting off work the next day was a little earlier than expected. So as I made my way home knowing who no doubt would be there, I was almost giddy.
I knew I shouldn’t have been, he was after all committed to another woman, of course that other woman had barely been mentioned in the last three days…never initially by him any way.
Ill admit, I was jealous when we’d be talking and she’d call…then he’d end the call with the “I love you…” the same way he used to end calls with me.
But I had to keep reminding myself that I was the one who ended US, I was the one that couldn’t cope under the pressures of his life, no matter how much I loved him that just wasn’t a sacrifice I was willing to make. I wasn’t about to hand over my freedom to the paparazzi. NO way.
When I walked in the door, his ass met me…not that im complaining it’s just I was an extremely hormonal woman, it took all my will power to not just pinch his little butt.
“Justin?”
“Hey you…im boxing up some of your things your mom told me too…”
“Momma you here?”
“Yes….how was work…” she came hussling out of the kitchen
“Eh…” I shrugged talking off my coat and throwing down my Chloe bag. “Aight I guess…you want rid of me BAD huh?” I noticed all the already filled boxes scattered around the living room floor.
“No, you want rid of me” she smiled “Now the truck’s gonna be here in a few minutes, you might want to go change…” she pointed at my skirt and sweater combo. Yeah not the best for moving crap ill grant you.
“Fine, ill change…give me a sec?” I directed towards the only man in the room and skipped to my room.
Some twenty minutes later we were standing in front of my pretty brownstone appartment in Tribecca.
I was home.
Both delivery men and J helped with all my boxes and various new furniture for the baby – we’d purchased the day before.
“Are you planning on decorating?” he asked helping one man in my new room with my new kind sized bed.
“Yeah I think so…but I just want to get settled first you know…have everything in place…then ill worry about décor.”
“Cool…” he shrugged.
*****
Its not that I didn’t want to help her. I really did, I liked it…I like just being with her again…it almost felt like old times.
Except when id want to kiss her…or touch her in a clearly non platonic way…then the phone would buzz – oh yeah my girlfriend.
See how this was uncomfortable? It was killing me really, I knew I had to go back to LA the next day and I was not looking forward to it – what so ever.
But I had a life, a life I loved. I had a woman at home waiting on me, she loved me and before all of this I was in the process of falling in love with her.
Now? Well now I was just royally fucked up inside and I didn’t know up from down.
I knew I had work, solid for the next month. I knew that, I didn’t like it but I knew it had to be done. Id be in Europe for at least two weeks and then back here.
It really sucked major ass to be recording an album right then.
I missed Carmen; i wanted to go back to LA to see her. All in all I was still falling for her, nothing in her had changed, but all of me suddenly had…would she be able to deal with that? I had to wonder.
Having helped Harri with her move her place was beginning to look homely once her weird hippy friends came over and started blessing the place, I knew that was my cue to leave.
“So, um ill be back in LA…” I began as I put on my coat to step into my awaiting vehicle.
“I know that…” she nodded crossing her arms.
“It’s been a weird few days huh?”
“It sure has…I never expected this…us to be here like this…” she smiled.
“Me neither but we are and we will be again…look I wont be around for a while, I have work and all…but can I call you? Check in maybe…with her…” I pointed to her belly.
“Sure…and if anything changes…Ill let you know…”
Again I didn’t know how to react, we were now entering the category of “friends”, the thing is id never been anything but a boy-friend with her. I didn’t know how to deal…
“Cool…well ill see ya?”
“Yeah see ya J…” no hug no kisses no nothing, I got in my car, went to my hotel room and called my girlfriend.
I felt like id been cheating on her or something…
“You’ve been neglecting me Justin…we’re WERE supposed to be going away this weekend remember?”
Big bear, yeah I remembered.
“Baby I know, am sorry but how was to know that this would happen? I had no clue.”
“I know, you didn’t…but it’s like she shows up and you instantly change, you become her lap dog.”
“Carm, come on its not like that and you know it…I can’t just ignore this, she's having my baby…”
“Rub it in…” she mumbled “Look I need to know, are you still in love with her J cause if you are then…”
“Im not in love with her…” much.
“Really?”
“Really…Now, I am over her…this thing is all about the baby…that's it. Now I know its weird and crazy but I really want to be part of this kid’s life…can you deal with that?”
She was silent for a second. “Ill get used to it…I guess.”
“That’s the spirit…” I laughed, causing her to laugh too.
“not funny…its just I know that you loved her…so much and when she left…well I know its been hard…but you have me, you don’t need her.” She whined, I hated her whiney voice.
“Carmen, she doesn’t need me either but this baby needs it daddy…Im it, im all it’s got. And I need to help harri until she gets here safe and sound…then we can all help raise her…” I began “and I know you didn’t plan on being a step mom…but it could be fun right?”
This was how my conversation with her continued until I thought id end up strangling myself with the telephone wire….
God how hard was it to convince someone to be a step mom…they got all the fun jobs…but then again Carmen was never the mothering type.
I was tired, both physically and emotionally…I was drained, it was the most confusing three days id had in I don’t even know how long…I didn’t know if id make it through this with out losing myself at least a few times…yes I was freaking out…but then id think
“Im gonna be a daddy…” and I knew I would be a ten times better dad than my own. That was more than reason to stick this out…more than enough. ^^^
I didn’t see him again for almost a whole month, it was hard. He was always the one to call and check in – I never had too.
It was nice being in contact with him again, on the one hand – on the other it was unbearable.
I had to endure the constant media frenzy surrounding the two of them; they were after all Americas new sweethearts. It was the love story of Hollywood…and the magazines loved it.
All of it unfolding in front of my eyes, and every time the baby would kick…Id feel more and more alone.
Again I guess I could blame the hormones, but at the end of the day I was essentially alone at night it was just me. The loneliness could be stamped out during the day when I could busy myself with chores or work…but at night it was the worst, when id crawl into my big new bad – alone.
It sucked, more than anything I wanted someone to just be there. To just cuddle with me or something…the solace of the TV just didn’t match up any more, I needed something else.
“Ill have a tea two sugars please…Kali what is you want?” I looked to the table next to the counter that sat my friend of 6 years Kali jimson. “decaf-mocha…” she said returning to her magazine.
I waited for our order and then took my seat with the items in hand.
“Did you see this Har?” she turned the rag over to my side of the table it read “Justin and Carmen – marriage?” with various sickening pics of them kissing. I wanted to throw up.
“Nope hadn’t seen it…I hate those magazines any way.” I lied sipping my tea.
“well I don’t like the bitch I mean come on look how skinny she is…the girl a’int got no booty or Nothin’ and she certainly a’int got no tits…real ones anyway…” she cackled.
“Don’t, okay…”
“What? You don’t wanna bash her? Come on its fun, I always do this with new bimbos my boys with.”
“No”
“Why? Cause you know once you pop…she's gonna be your babies STEP MOMMA!”
“Oh no she a’int…” I began “she’s only gonna be what she is now, Justin’s whore…she aint got shit to do with me or my baby…”
Damn id sunk low hadn’t i… I swore I was over this.
“Well girl I hate to break it to you, but I know Timber-river…he's gonna wanna include her.”
I just shook my head “he won’t marry her…”
“How’d you know…He might?”
“He wont, he's not ready with her…hell he wasn’t with me…”
“Yeah but y’all were younger when you got together, she does seem like the trophy wife white boy would want. And if he does you ass will be too late…”
“Would you stop, I don’t want him back okay im over him…”
“Your not, your carrying his kid…this is meant to be the "bonding time" with you and him but where is he? In Hawaii with lil miss fake boobs…Jesus it’s pathetic!!
“Look I have nothing’ to do with him…his only concern is the baby and she aint even here yet. We’ve another four months wait you know…”
“I Know okay its just I think its unhealthy for you to be alone like this…when he's swanning all over with her…its like he's disrespecting you and I don’t like it, not one lil bit.”
I was tired of her bellyaching so I excused myself for the ladies; apparently the baby seemed to think of my bladder as its first squeeze toy. It was like this every five minutes these days.
After I did my thing I was making my way out and who did I bump ( literally into) but Adam…aw Adam he was the guy I almost but didn’t hook up with a few years before, he was the maybe guy I was contemplating when Justin and I were on “a break”.
“Shaharra? Girl its…wow…really a shock to see you…Like this” he hugged me as I greet him.
“Yeah ill bet…” I was almost embarrassed. “what are you doin’ in New York I thought you moved permanently out to LA now?”
“Naw girl…Im back home, ive got a modelling contract with Calvin Klein here in the city – don’t you notice the billboards any more?” he smiled then, I knew the cockiness was a joke.
“Nope too busy not trying to trip over my bump.”
“I can’t believe your having a baby, I think it’s great your gonna make a great mom…so where Justin? Are ya ‘ll married now or what?”
Ohh Noooo.
“Boy don’t you read the tabloids?”
“No, hate those things….I prefer real news as to who’s fucking who, you know”
“Yeah well I gotta tell you…we broke up…”
“Aw…so this is with your new-“
“Nope its J’s…but umm no Im single…” he seemed annoyed at that.
“Listen, im in a rush right now, im in the middle of a shoot next door but um…here.” he handed me a little card “call me tonight if you want…we could do dinner or something…”
Wow, was that just happening…
“Are you sure?”
“Don’t be silly, it’s been so cool seeing you again id like to really catch up…”
Well needless to say I left that café with the biggest grin on my lil face, and kali left with so many questions it was killing her.
I think I had a date…
***
I called him, we talked on the phone for ages…and we agreed to meet up for a late dinner. Well I was pregnant therefore always hungry.
The tiny little Italian place he picked was perfect. It was 10:30 so it was beginning to quieten down.
We just sat, talking about all kinds of things…his work, my work, living in New York again…then the subject id been waiting on.
“So if you don’t mind me asking, with Justin…what happened?”
“I don’t mind…and I broke up with him…I left the states to do this charity thing, it had been set up by a friend of mine so I decided to help her.”
He looked like he wanted more.
“well, I realised when I was out there that I was indeed pregnant, at first I thought it was just a bug you know…or the water or something so I ignored it…then I confirmed it.”
“And Justin didn’t want to know?”
“No, I didn’t want Justin to know…I guess it sounds strange now, but I wanted him to be happy and he seemed like he was…I was too in a way….”
“So he doesn’t know??” he looked a little shocked at the thought.
“Na, I told him” kinda “ and we’re cool now…he wants to be apart of the babies life and I guess I want that too…every kid wants to know their parents don’t they…and he’ll be a good dad, I know that much.”
“But y’all aren’t….”
“No like I said before im solo…” I managed to smile as he smiled even wider back at me…this could be interesting….
Who the hell are you?????
I hadn’t seen Harri in two months; it was so difficult being away from her like that now that I knew what was happening. But I was busy working and trying to build “something” with Carmen.
It wasn’t easy I tell you, when ever Harri would call Carmen would get all prissy at me and pout like a six year old. Id have to tell her again and again that I wasn’t in love with her, that I was just making sure she was okay – for the sake of the baby and nothing else.
I never spent so much time in Tiffany’s in all my days.
She was a hard woman to please but diamonds seemed to do the trick…Id hate to have see what im gonna be paying out once the baby gets here.
I decided to pay Shaharra a visit when I was on TRL. I made my way to her appartment, gifts in hand…she was less hard to please but she loved pink roses so I brought the nicest bunch in the store.
But when I knocked…it wasn’t her that answered the door. It was a 6’2’’ black man…with no shirt on. What the fuck was going on.
“Uhh…hi?”
“Justin right?” he said extending his hand.
“Yeah…um wheres…”
“Shaharra? She's in the back…come in.” I made my way into her large appartment that was now painted a nice deep ginger and smelled of fresh paint.
Ooh he was the painter…that made sense.
Then I saw her, sitting at the kitchen table writing her glasses on the tip of her nose.
“Hi…” I announced.
“Justin? What are you doin’ here…I thought you were working.”
“I was…am…I just thought id call in see how you doin’” I had to admit she was huge. In the best possible way of course.
“Oh well im fine she's fine we’re all getting bigger!” she smiled and then the painter dude came into the room again.
“Oh Justin…this is Adam…”
Wait who now?
“Yeah baby we’ve met who’d you think let him in?” he laughed as she stood next to him, and he KISSED HER!
“Duh me right?”
“Right…” he mocked her both smiling like idiots. I felt like a tool standing there.
“Well baby…Im gonna go now, ive to meet with my agent in a half hour. Ill see you for dinner right?”
“Of course, you’re cooking right?”
“Of course…” then the son of a bitch did it again he kissed her AGAIN.
He bid me goodbye and then he was gone, leaving me with a grinning Harri.
Jesus it was like id entered the twilight zone.
“So who is he?”
“He's Adam Anderson…”
“The dude…the LA dude THAT'S HIM????”
“Yes Justin” she dismissed sitting back town again “that's the dude, and we’re seeing each other…”
“Your 8 months pregnant…how are you “seeing” each other?” I knew at that point my voice had got so high pitched that only dogs in the street could here it.
“Ooh so just ‘cause im expecting that im not allowed a social life!!!” she yelled…oh id pissed her off.
“No im not sayin-“
“Yes you are, just because I have your baby inside me im not allowed a social life while you get off Scott free to shag whoever you want!!!!!”
Wow, hormonal much?
“that's not what I just said…I mean you didn’t even tell me you were seeing someone let alone him!!” why was I yelling , I knew yelling at her achieved fuck all.
“Why should I? Im under no compliment to you…I mean you’re too busy off shagging lil miss new boobs to even care what or who Im doing these days Justin…”
“Are you sleeping with him?”
“How is that your business?”
“You have my baby inside you, if he's up there too I think I need to know…god knows what he has…”
“Get out!”
“What?”
“you heard me…” she expressed shoving me to the kitchen door, “LEAVE, you have no right coming in to my home and insulting my friends like that Justin…so just get the fuck out will you!”
“Harri come on, I didn’t mean to insult him, it’s just that….Jesus, are you sleeping with him?” sure it was nosy considering, but damn it felt bad – the idea of her with anyone else let alone underwear 5000, “are you.”
“Again IT’S NONE OF YOUR….ouch…”
“What?”
“Ouch…” she bent over… Shit she was in pain.
****
“Are you okay?”
“No…does it fuckin look like im okay?” I panicked shit, well wouldn’t you?
“Well what is it…” I took her over to the couch.
“It’s…the baby, it felt like a kick but a real really big one this time.”
“Should I call-“
“No…here…” I took his hand and placed it over the area that was active. I was sure my face lit up, changed and I silenced all at once.
It was so cute. Id forgotten I never felt her kick before.
“Wow…Har, that's fuckin amazin’”
“I know…” she continued to guide my hand over the various bit when she moved. I was completely entranced. It was the most amazing thing id ever felt in my whole life.
“What does it feel like?” I asked her as she opened her eyes again.
“It feels…like im being tickled. But from inside…it feels nice…except for just now.”
“Yeah I think she wanted us to shut the fuck up…in her own little way huh?”
“Maybe it was her way of getting us to bond…we’re bonding now you know…”
“Really is that what the books say?” I laughed at the stack of books on her coffee table, one that mimicked my own in LA.
“I dunno…” she giggled. “But listen J…”
“Yeah…”
“I really like Adam, but we’re not sleeping together yet.”
God why did she have to say yet.
“I mean he respects…this…” she pointed to the bump again “And I can wait to move on…she's our priority at the minute.”
“So…” I tried to begin in the sweetest way; I didn’t want to piss her off again that's for sure “is he sticking around?”
“Yes…is Carmen sticking around?” she answered with her usual sass.
“She is…” I think.
“J are we cool now? I mean we’re both over us right? We’re friends now?”
“Of course…why?”
“Good, well then we’ll all just have to work this thing out because Justin…I think im falling in love with him.”
I swear I almost damn near passed out “Your….you are?”
“I think so…I mean its only been a couple of months but J what man do you know who would by pass sex to take care of a woman pregnant with another mans kid…its really rare…he's so sweet and nice.”
“The pope is sweet and nice but it don’t mean you’re in love with him…” I defended. Why I wasn’t really sure, I was over her…No I really was.
“Justin come on, you said we’re cool…whats with the tone”
“There is no “tone” okay…Im just looking out for you; I mean maybe he's some con artist that's just using you”
I sounded like a complete spaz I knew that, but I was scared…she wasn’t mine anymore I mean she REALLY wasn’t now.
“Justin…ugh im not even gonna argue with you about this…help me up” she nudged me.
“Why?”
“I gotta shower and get ready…but could you stick around I might need you in a little bit.”
She needed me; see that's more like it. “Of course.” I said as I sat back down after pulling her off the couch and watched her head to her bathroom.
I waited and I waited for her to reappear, and when she did I noticed she’d showered and changed, she was wearing a really sweet pink dress, with a wrap in hand…was she wanting to go out.
“Sorry, umm could you maybe zip me up?”
“What?” I snapped for my dazy state to look at her face that emerged into a laugh.
“You spacin’ out on my or what boy? My dress would you mind zipping me up.”
“Oh sure…” I added getting up to do the honours. As I did so I noticed her tattoo, on her shoulder. It was a tiny butterfly with pink and yellow wings. I remember the night she got it too, it was the same night I got my tat for my mom on my back – she got so bored with waiting on me she decided to get one done herself.
“There you go…”
“Thanks…Listen I don’t want to be rude but I said id meet some of my girls for coffee at 7 so…”
It was quarter too, she wanted me to leave.
“Ooh well then I should…” she interrupted me
“Its not that I want you too, it’s been a nice surprise seeing you again and all but I did say id meet them…I mean id like to stay and-“
“Then stay…call kali and cancel…im sure they won’t mind.” Yeah I reeeeally wanted her to stay.
She was hesitant but I need her with me, I just didn’t want to go back to that hotel room alone.
“I…maybe I could…I mean she’d get over it, I see her all the time.” She thought out loud I knew she was gonna stay. “Okay I will…” she reached for her cordless and made her way into her kitchen, giving me a minute to look around.
She’d used all the furniture I knew she had in storage – the reason I knew it was because I helped her pick it. The tables and lamps from Pottery Barn…mats, candles…All in her arrangement of perfectness that she was so adamant about.
When she came back from the call, she was smiling…wasn’t a bad thing I loved her smiled…it just made me realise how much id missed it over the last three months.
“I have some scan photos to show you…” she exclaimed heading into the kitchen again.
“Ok great Ive been dying to see them, can I use your bathroom first?” she ordered me to the room next to her bedroom and I went…on a detour into her room.
Call me crazy, and most people do….But I just needed to know if there were any signs of HIM in there.
And wouldn’t you know it there was, it made me sick…his shirts, cologne, stuff…and most of all photos of them in central park…I knew it shouldn’t have but it burned me, I was meant to be over this to be over her – romantically anyway.
But I wasn’t, it was clear to me then that I was no where near over her. So I left it and did my thing in the bathroom. Came back and looked at my ever expanding baby on the blurry pictures….she seemed so excited, but when she told me what colours “Adam was painting the nursery” I knew I had to get out…“Hey you know since your all dressed up and everything, hows about we go out…”
“Where?”
“I don’t know…there's this cute little movie place not far from here I spotted on my way. They’re showing a “Classic and modern” Rom com double bill with “Bridget Jones” and “Sleepless in Seattle” if your interested?”
“Justin you hated me making you watch those movies…why would you wanna watch them again?”
I didn’t know…Maybe I just didn’t want to leave her so soon.
“I’o’know…come on, Ill treat you…popcorn big ass bag of peanut butter cups…”
Her eyes lit up, that was her tick…She lived for Reese’s buttercups. Can’t say I blamed her.
“Ok fine ill go but you can’t complain if I swoon once Colin firth comes on screen”
I rolled my eyes, I don’t honestly know what she saw, and all I saw was some pasty ass English toff, she saw a god apparently. I swear it’s the accent, women are hypnotised by it.
Some say the same about my accent from time to time…now wasn’t one of those times apparently.
I led her out, always watching our backs….we laughed and joked, teased and argued our way in and out of the two films…
“Aw, I still never tire of those films…”
“I know…” I grumbled, a little two much feminine time, I needed to do something manly.
“Hey remember you offered white boy…”
I smiled at her then, we had dumbass nick names…we hadn’t used them in a while. She was cute like that, she was silly and spontaneous…she was fun. Carmen wasn’t, she was all career, career…photo op, tabloid…that's her agenda…Harri wasn’t like that she was happy to just make people smile.
I missed that.
“Look man its late I should be getting back, Adam is gonna be pissed that I missed dinner.”
Ugh him again.
“Yeah underwear man might get his panties in a bunch.” I scoffed.
“J don’t be an ass…”
“I am not!”
“Yeah ya are, and stop it doesn’t suit you baby….” She linked arms with me and it felt nice, of course what I didn’t know at the time was…we weren’t alone. Of course there were paps in the damn bushes just snapping away. Yeah id later find that out the next day when Carmen would be screaming at my half awake ass as to why I was on a “date” with my knocked up ex…
Damn media.
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
When he left that night I knew it was because he was freaked out, and I can’t say I really blame him. I mean I did tend to go on and on a bit didn’t I? Well I was happy and at that point I hadn’t been in so long that I was just unwilling to keep quiet about it.
He was the one that visited me on several occasions with his new girl…shoved in my face under the pretence of “getting to know each other” I didn’t want to get to know her, she was a skank and her movies where just as skanky as she was….
I was happy and blooming, with less than four weeks to go I settled down and got ready for my first Christmas with Adam…I wanted it to be perfect.
Christmas in New York was always special for me, I loved everything about it. From the hustle on the streets, the cold, the snow the ice skating, Rockefeller centre, central park covered in ice…All of it I loved. And more than that I loved Christmas shopping. I was never very practical when it came time to buying for myself but I could buy for others all the day long and love it.
Adam and I were going from strength to strength…and when I said no sex, I didn’t necessarily Vito on all “forms” of contact shall we say :@) but I was ready to have this baby, she was huge therefore I was huge and just wanting my figure back again….was that so wrong.
When Christmas came I received several packages in the mail, all while Adam was out.
One was a given – it took me by surprise but it had been a tradition every year among Justin and I.
We’d exchange our favourite song from that year on a sheet with written music for the piano, an instrument we both loved…and this time his to me was framed it was the lyrics to the classic re-released Beautiful from Mrs Christina Bratman herself… with a note attached with simply “you are you know, even this huge. Merry Christmas beautiful, J xxx”
“Ass…” was all I could think…as I looked for somewhere to hang it.
“I am not that huge…”
“I bet you are now though girl, it was a guess but this is our kid – she's gonna like her food”
“Okay you need to shut the fuck up, you’re not supposed to imply to a heavily knocked
Up woman that's she's fat….”
“I said you were beautiful too now come on…”
“Yeah, yeah whatever…so you heading to Memphis for the holidays?”
“You know it…”
“And Carla?
“Carmen and you know it…she's staying in LA, she has some video thing to do.”
Wow…
“So you’re going it alone? That's new…its like the first time you haven’t had a woman to save you from your grandmas match making since you were what? 11?” I laughed knowing the family ALL two well.
“don’t even joke about that…Man its gonna be rough, but after that im all yours up until Lady baby decides to come and say hi…that's if you want me?”
“I want you….to be here.” wow Freudian slip if ever I heard one. “We need to be thinking on what we’re gonna call this little one…have you thought of any names?”
“Umm…my moms pushing for Lynn in there somewhere but I told her if we name her Lynn we gotta include your mom and that's too much pressure for one kid to live up too!
“Was she telling you she and Paul came up to visit me last month? It was so cute J all she could do was shop for pink things…she said with you she never got to buy any of the really cute stuff…pink I think was mentioned a few hundred times…it was adorable I think at one stage she cried when she saw these lil booties…”
“that's my mom, and hey don’t let her fool you once when I was 7 she tried to convince me this pink sweater was just “light red” na-ah…be thankful it is a girl…it’s a wonder im not more screwed up you know…”
“More? Is that even possible?”
“Ha bloody ha…listen I gotta jet my planes leaving in a hour and-“
“You still haven’t packed?”
“Ah you know me too well…”
Yeah I really did…didn’t I.
“Well go, tell everyone I said hi and merry Christmas Justin.”
“Yeah merry Christmas baby girl.”
Dinner went off without a hitch, my grandma came from her “retirement community” yes I really had to call it that since if I didn’t I got hit over the head with a small dishcloth apparently she wasn’t “Old” just…getting there… well anyway she came over, my uncle James…aunt rita…all crammed into my moms house, it was perfect. Until the subject of you know who came up.
“I can not believe he just knocked you up and DUMPED you like that…” my geriatric aunt Ritawho was deaf in one ear began shouting as we all sat down to watch the TV after dinner.
“Rita he didn’t dump me, we’re friends…and Im with Adam Now and you remember Adam right?” I winked to said boy on my left who was at that point trying real hard NOT to laugh
“So wait he aint the boy who knocked you up….I thought white boy…Jack…was it him.” She yelled again.
“No auntie it’s Justin and yes it was him…” LORD SAVE ME PLEASE.
“Ooh I liked him…he had nice hair…good manners…nice tight ass.”
“Rita!!” My mom corrected as the rest of us just held ourselves trying not to laugh at her and make her mad.
“What? I did…is he coming today then?”
“No auntie he aint….hes in Memphis.”
“Aw…Memphis did I tell you that I was once propositioned in Memphis by none other than Elvis himself…Now there was another boy with a nice ass…”
Sweet Jesus…
“Okay then who wants desert…” everyone who wanted (which you know was mostly everyone agreed and I made my way to the kitchen.)
”You okay baby?” I heard Adam creep in beside me.
“Am good, you okay? I know they can be a lot to take sometimes…” I handed him the peaces and the strawberries and the chocolate chips to mix into the ice cream sundaes I was making. It was my speciality.
“They are real funny, so it’s not bad at all….how’s baby 2” he pointed to my belly.
“she's good, she has the hiccups…its funny but damn will I be looking forward to next month…I need to be able to sleep again on my stomach…hate sleep-in’ any other way.
“I need to tell you something…Im going on a modelling tour next month.”
“Oh…ok where too LA again?”
He took a stance beside me, he didn’t look so good.
“Umm no, not LA…Thailand…”
“WHAT?”
“I know im sorry baby, I tried to get out of it but its part of the terms of my contract, look I leave New years day and if it goes well I should be back before the 30…so its not like im not gonna be there for you when you go into labour…its…”
“that's not what am worried about Adam…I cant believe you wait till NOW to tell my your leaving me for three week or a month or two months…I know how these things good…”
“Look I promise you, you won’t have to go in and deliver her alone…”
“I Know that, Justin’s gonna be there…he's coming in two weeks to-“
“What?”
“He’s coming to be in New York…for when the-“
“So he was…Is gonna be there for you, were YOU gonna TELL me that?” ok now he was mad.
“WHAT? Jesus you knew he’d want to be there, for me…to see his daughter be born…” I just didn’t understand his madness, I mean why was he?
“His daughter…” he mumbled.
“Yes Adam his daughter…Look, I know you don’t like him and to be honest he isn’t too keen on you but she will be his daughter if you have a problem with that then I think I need to know now.”
He just shook his head in frustration “All I ever here is him…its always gotta be about him his feeling what he thinks…what about me?”
“What about you…” yes ill admit the most selfish answer to that question…my bad.
“Do I not deserve to be apart of her life too?”
“Of course you do baby, I love you and I love that you love the idea of this baby together…we’ll be together if you want it that way, but baby Justin will be her daddy there is no changing that…”
He seemed to think it over for a second.
“You know I don’t like him…I don’t trust him…”
He feels exactly the same way about you….
“But give me time and I think ill be able to live with the idea of him around…time…”
“In Thailand?” I finished for him.
“Yes….”
Most of New Year went over relatively peacefully, minus the three pretty serious rows I had with Carmen when I suggested that I pack for New York. She was livid at the fact that I was going to the city to be near Shaharra. Livid…
“Baby we never get any time alone these days…its insane! I miss you”
“we had Christmas but you chose to work when you didn’t have too, we’ve had two weeks into the new year…alone, what else do you what from me? Carm…seriously I have a lot on my plate at the moment, I need your support here…Im so scared.”
She stood dumbfounded almost, hands on hips…chewing her staple meal of cherry gum.
“Well, im sorry but I don’t know if can put up with much more of this Justin…you’re always on the phone to her, she’s all you talk about…”
“Because of the baby…I thought you understood.”
“I don’t think that's the reason, I think your still in love with her-“
“CARMEN it’s been months of this, me trying to convince you that I don’t LOVE HER, I LOVE YOU….”
“If you do then stay with me…”
“What?”
“Stay here with me…wait until she calls you when she's in labour…”
“I cant do that and you know it…look maybe id you could come with me, to NYC stay with me at the hotel…see that there is nothing between us but…the baby.”
“I have to work until the 25th you know that, I have that movie with Lucy lui…I can’t drop it.”
See she wanted me to surrender the biggest event in my life – the birth of my child but she wouldn’t give up some shit B-type movie that I knew would flop.
“Im sorry carm but this is important to me, and if you loved me like you say you do then…come with me, help with this okay? I am so scared about this…I don’t think I can do it alone…”
She just shrugged and grabbed her ever present nail file, “what do you need me for you’ve got your little family in Shaharra let her take of you…” with that she marched herself upstairs.
God I swear it was like she was two different people, she just was one minute loving and funny, happy…then BAM one mention of the baby, or Harri or anything NOT to do with her and she just freaks, it was really starting to get very, very old.
*****
With Adam gone, it was just me and my mom, she had moved in with me temporarily she was worried in case I went into labour alone….well that's mothers for ya. I liked the fact that she was enjoying the pregnancy with me and strangely enough she wasn’t so annoyed any more with Justin.
I knew she had her issues with him, her first one was – he was white.
Yeah I know stupid right? He wouldn’t be any different had he been black white Chinese or purple…well maybe purple, but you know what im sayin’ she was wary…she didn’t like his reputation.
And when we first got together she was cruel to him on a regular basis…it was safe to say she hated him no matter what he did to try and get her to warm to him, she was still adamant that he wasn’t good enough for me.
Now though that we aren’t together, she's thrilled….
She loves Adam, he's ‘perfect’ she says, and hey who was I to know…
So there we were putting the last touches to the baby’s room when I felt something, a twitch, it wasn’t a kick and it wasn’t a cramp…it was just something else.
I ignored it of course then it seemed to get worse.
“Mom, I think I need the doctor…”
“WHAT what, what is it?” she came around the corner to witness me doubled over in pain.
“Well I think I maybe in labour….”
“Oh sweet Jesus….” She exclaimed before reaching for the phone, cab then doctor, then me and her – out the door in a panic.
Author's Notes:
I come bearing updates! Please enjoy! Muah, Merry Christmassssssssssss!
xx
false alarm....for now.
When I reached her appartment that evening just as it was getting dark I noticed there was no one in, I got in with the 911 key she gave me. it was strange the TV was still on, there was food still on the stove and plates not used ready on the table…this was bad Harri never missed a meal and even more so now that she was pregnant.
This had to be bad, so I did what had to I tried her cell phone (switched off!) Her moms (switched off), her friends….well they were just as clueless as I was.
So I paced and I paced around her appartment…waiting and waiting but there was still no sign of her
The suddenly just as I was about to call the cops for fear of a kidnapping they came hussling through the door.
“Justin, Ohh I totally forgot you were coming today…Hi” she said Hi? What the fuck woman I was going out of my mind with worry…
“Where were you?”
“Ooh long story” her mom began “but basically we thought harri was in labour.” I looked to her as she sat down.
“What???”
“No don’t worry, hello I wasn’t she's still in here…The doctor said it was a false alarm. Everything’s okay but it took em six hours to tell me that! How was your flight?”
Okay I did not wanna talk about flying when there were much more important things to talk about.
“Woman why didn’t you call me! I was so worried…”
“Im sorry, like I said I forgot….sue me…” man she was so relaxed about this, I felt like my blood pressure was through the roof. So I just did as she did I sat my ass on the couch beside her as she flipped through the channels.
“Ooh the OC; cool…you ever watch this?”
“No…”
“It’s so good…I think Marissa may actually eat something this week.” She cackled... “Speaking of crazy ass anorexic blondes where is Carmen?” She smiled sweetly over at me.
“Funny…” I added sarcastically “she's in LA she's working.” I think she knew by my tone that my mood wasn’t exactly in the best of moods that's when she smacked me in the arm.
“Look im sorry okay I forgot you were coming I thought it was tomorrow, I am sorry…but look I am glad you’re here…and what is that on your face?” she grabbed my chin
“Jesus woman skin, attached helloooo!!!”
“Eww no Justin tell me it’s not the beard it’s the snow beast hobo look again, oh this is bad…”
Yeah my ego reeeeally needed that.
“I like it…” I defended myself, I did like it I thought it made look manly.
“your about the only one then, god…its so…Icky lookin’ dude you need to shave before the baby arrives I don’t want my baby scared for life with that thing staring at her…”
Oh she was just a barrel of laughs wasn’t she?
“okay you two Ive gotta go, your in good hands now Harri…Justin keep her out of trouble for me will ya?”
Wait did she just compliment me? Jesus did hell freeze over or what???
“Um sure…will do Mrs Green. Cya…” she kissed harri and was on her way, leaving us both alone. I didn’t know if that was a bad thing or a good thing, but I had to ask.
“So is Andrew here?”
“Who?”
“You’re…boyfriend or whatever.” I shrugged.
“ADAM boy are you slow…and no he aint he's on a job…In Thailand” she mumbled the last bit but I was sure I heard her.
“Wow…” I laughed “for how long.”
“A month…” she shrugged again still not looking at me.
“So he just left you…when your about to-“
“Stop gloating Justin It doesn’t suit you okay? Now, you’re here so make your self useful…help me up” she was getting big I was surprised she could walk holding all that baby up.
“Sit there…” I said switching hands with her. She was right I needed to be useful for her. “Ill run you a bath…so sit and enjoy your show okay?”
She just smiled at me, like she was surprised id offered….
“Don’t look at me like you know im awesome…be just a sec.”
**********
I had to admit having him there with me was a blessing, he was a total sweetheart. He treated me like a princess, waited on me hand and foot. It made me almost want the pregnancy to last a little longer, just so he could stay and be my butler.
But then there was this other side to it, you know those hormones I was talking about? Yeah well they were back and worse that ever, for example. Day two of his stay, I woke up to find him topless and doing sit-ups on my living room floor.
I remember those sights and I had to say, I missed em’. He caught me looking too. It didn’t bother me, id seen him fully naked plenty of times, we had nothing to hide from each other, so I just told him to keep doing what he was doin’ and he did…and I loved every second of it.
Now I know I keep blaming my hormones on this attraction and hotness for him, and I know that that's not just all it is. There was always a connection with him that I couldn’t explain. Our sex life was more than healthy; even when our relationship was sinking we some how always managed to want each other. I was still extremely attracted to him; it was safe to say I was in trouble.
“Have you given any more thought as to what we’re gonna call her?” he asked me setting down my scrambled eggs.
“Um yeah I really like this name…it came to me when I was in one of the offices that are connected to our network I looked out the window and saw it.”
“Well what is it already???” he laughed sipping his coffee, still very much topless. It was distracting.
“I saw her…the Statue of Liberty…”
“You wanna call the baby statue???”
God help us if she takes after him.
“Justin…Liberty, I like that…What do you think?”
He seemed to think it over for a few seconds, then he grinned and then he grinned ever wider. “Liberty…yeah I think I could see myself yelling that…Yeah I like it”
“You do?”
“Yes I think its sweet, and hey it means freedom right? I like that even better.”
“Wow that was easy…”
“Well you have good taste…just look at Me.” he primped. Ass…
“Yeah, yeah white boy…enough.” I got up and before I caught on to what id done, I kissed him once quickly on the lips…big giant OOPS.
“Harri, why did you just do that?” he blushed.
“Um…I don’t know really…” I walked with my mug and plate to the sink.
“You don’t know?”
“Nope…Look I have to go pick a few things up from Marie…um ill be back in a while…” I was mortified, id kissed him? What the hell possessed me? I knew we’d slipped into the comfort zone, but damn….
****
It wasn’t weird that she kissed me; it was weird that I didn’t mind…I was in love with someone else now wasn’t I? It wasn’t normal to expect and welcome kisses of ANY kind from your ex right? I mean that was not NORMAL?
I didn’t have feeling for her, I didn’t it was all for the baby. We’d be friends again for the sake of our child, but I had to admit if only to myself I still wanted her more than ever I wanted to be with her. But she was happy with underwear man and I think I was happy with Carmen, why disrupt that? So id always wonder what if…so what? Our baby was what we should have been thinking about. I saw what happened in my family when my dad decided to “admit” his feelings…he left me, and mom…and it was so hard on her…I didn’t want that for either of them, and least of all myself.
For the next week she and existed in relative harmony, as we waited for her to pop…it was like watching a ticking bomb, every twinge and id freak out. The nights were the worst though when she’d be there, and Id be on her huge and comfortable couch…just thinking.
The one night, it was the 28th a couple of days before she was due, the baby started kicking uncontrollably.
She couldn’t sleep so she came up to and order me to talk to her.
I obliged since I wasn’t having much luck in the sleep department either.
“I miss my skinny jeans…” she said glancing to the late night shopping commercials and then back at me.
“Yeah I miss em two; your ass looked great in those dark ones…”
“Perve…”
“No not perve, like you don’t love people noticing your ass-ets…” I joked. “Beside, you’ll get it back soon enough…”
“What if I don’t, what if I stay fat FOR-EVER….ill end up an old spinster!”
I had to laugh, “No you wont, how could no one love…I love you…just the way you are.” I said more platonically than I expected.
Wait was I quoting Bridget Jones?? Wow…
“Wait a go Mr Darcy!” she giggled “ahhh I don’t mind now really…I just wanna meet Libby in here.”
“Me too…”
“Justin?”
“Yeah sweetheart?”
“Im so scared…” she looked over at me nervously. “Its gonna hurt so bad…so, so sooo bad. What if I die of the pain?”
Well she had a way with words…
I turned to her and placed my hand on her cheek. “No you won’t, your gonna be fine because im gonna be right there with you…” I caressed her cheek, maybe a little more than I should…but I knew she used to like that.
Then I did something id wanted to do for nine months. I kissed her, properly, lovingly. Hard and passionately.
So much so she moaned a little as I did. God id never got so turned on so quickly.
She kissed me back with just as much urgency than I had kissed her.
“Oh god…” she said as I started in on her neck… “Justin…”
“What?”
“We…wait…whats…” she was signalling me to stop, but then her hands were all over me…Talk about mixed signals.
“What are we doin’ this isn’t right.”
“It feels right though doesn’t it…?”
“God yes….!” just as she did that my cell started buzzing.
“Shit…” I looked at the buzzing thing on the table it was Carmen. “Fuck!”
She sat back and ran her fingers through her hair awkwardly. I answered the call.
“Yeah?”
“Baby?? Hi it’s me…Listen I know it’s late with you and all but I couldn’t wait to tell you, ive got out of the movie you were right I should have been more supportive so im coming out to new York tomorrow! And ive planned a little get together for us and a few friends in town for your birthday…”
“Oh…” I looked over at harri, she seemed embarrassed and I couldn’t say I didn’t feel the same.
“Baby were you asleep?” she asked still excited.
“Um yeah I was sorry, that's really great carm…”
“Ok and hey maybe if Shaharra is feeling up to it maybe she’d like to come?” I was officially convinced she was high…
“um yeah look ill call you tomorrow okay im real tired…”
“Oh of course…love you.”
“Yeah uh me too…” cop out.
I flipped my cell closed.
“So she's coming huh?” she said “that mean y’all will be checking into a hotel right? Probably best, your back must be fucked sleep-in’ there…” she stood up “Ok well goodnight J”
“NO wait…Har, look im sorry about just now…I over stepped the mark and I apologise.”
“Well me too it’s a hormone thing I think, lets just blame that okay?” and with that she turned and left walking into her bedroom and slamming the door. What made matters ten million fuckin’ times worse is that I swore I could hear her crying through the door.
I was such a bastard…
I can’t really say that he led me on, I wanted to kiss him and I knew he felt the same. The heat between us, the attraction was never one that really went away. Maybe it would have done had we ended things in a more hateful manner. But we didn’t, he still respected me as much as I did him. But at that moment when he answered her call I wanted to hit him. I wanted him to know right then that I still loved him, that I wanted him with me more than anything in the world…but call me chicken but I just couldn’t. What if he said no, what if he said that even though he fancied me still that he didn’t love me, he loved her….i was in a fragile state I knew I couldn’t handle that kind of rejection, so I left him there and I went and wallowed in my pathetic state – I cried like a baby.
The next morning I woke up and he wasn’t there, he was more than likely gone for his morning run. And usually I liked witnessing the aftermath of a lap around five blocks but on this occasion I just couldn’t face him, I needed to be gone.
So I left him a note and caught a cab to a friend, someone I knew would have my back and convince me I was better off without him.
Leesa.
“Girl what you mean he KISSED you, was this just a peck on the lips or was this LAAA” she opened her mouth to signify and it looked so funny I laughed hard.
“It was LAAA…okay and I kissed him back which is what makes this shit…well shit! I am so stupid!”
“Na ah your not…your just you that's all, do you still love him?”
“No….”
“Harri do you still love white boy for GOD only knows what reason…Do you?”
“I might do…Ok fine I do okay I love him I want him and I NEED his ass!!!!” I ate another Oreo “I mean if it was just the sex thing id get it, I mean I haven’t gotten any in NINE months okay and the shit with Adam its not “real” sex so that doesn’t count…its fun but it aint the real thing you know?”
“So, wait its not just you want his scrawny lil self all in you…you still LOVE him, like love, love?”
“YES! See this is why its bad okay cuz he loves the cheerleader and if I tell him it will make things weird…I don’t need that. My baby don’t need that…Tell me what to do!” I pleaded eating yet another Oreo.
“Only you know whats what…if she comes now his girl…feel it out you know? She may not be all sweetness and peroxide – see if she's a bitch.”
“What will that accomplish?”
“Nothin’ ill just go smack her face in if she's rude to you…” she cackled “Look baby girl your main concern now is YOUR baby girl…deal with mr “No ass at all” later okay, he aint worth stressing over okay?”
She was right of course she was right…Now all I needed to do was avoid him and Blondie until I went into labour, damn it one more day…I was praying she decided to arrive early, I needed a diversion. I needed something else to think about other than him…
This was so hard!
********
I hadn’t seen her all day, not for lunch not for dinner. When I called she said she was fine and that I should just worry about Carmen, oh yeah her. She arrived off the plane with my Gucci luggage set that she scratched all up…bitch that cost me the shit…well that and she was smiling so wide I thought her teeth would fall out.
“Baby I missed you sooo much!” funny I barely thought about you…wait that wasn’t the right thing to say.
“Um yeah me too, how was your flight?”
“It was so good I slept all the way here…where’s Harri?”
“I don’t really know…”
“Cool…can we go back the hotel room then?” she smirked at me; oh I knew what that meant.
“Don’t you want dinner or something…it’s late?” She shook her head no..
“SO? J we haven’t seen each other in two full weeks okay I want us to be alone for a while…”
Okay so I punked out, I didn’t necessarily want to sleep with her, I was thinking of Harri all damn day, thinking of that kiss…but then again she didn’t want me – Carmen did.
So fuck it…I was going to have sex with my girlfriend.
Staying at Trump was always nice, I like their rooms and the staffs were cool with my lady’s demands…
As I came out of the oversized bathroom after my quick shower she was still laying on the bed.
“J…”
“Yeah?”
“I think we should get married.”
I dropped the jeans I had in my hand. “Im sorry?”
She got up putting the sheet into place. “Yeah I think we should get married…”
“Are you pregnant?”
“NO….God know…I unlike some people remember my birth control…” Dig at Harri, who the hell she thought she was I had no idea.
“I love you, you love me too right…I think it’s the best idea ive had!” you mean you’ve had other ideas, as in thoughts? Wow...
“Carm…um I do…you mean a lot to me but I just don’t think we’re ready for that kind of commitment.”
“But you love me right?”
I thought I did…
“Yes…but we’re young we have lots of time for that…lets just have fun like we have been okay?”
She looked at her feet. “I guess…it’s just I need some kind of…”
“What?”
“Assurance…I need to know that once she has this kid that you won’t leave me for her…I don’t think I could handle that…”
“Don’t be silly, Im not leaving you carm…okay?”
“Okay…” then my cell beeped on the table, every time it went off that day I damn near jumped out of my skin, sure Harri and I were avoiding each other but Liberty was due today, and I got the honour of picking her second name, since harri got first dibs…It was an important job she didn’t wanna end up like I ended up with fucking “Randall” for god sakes.
Hell no.
It was her texing me, “Still no sign of her ladyship, Im off to bed…Ill call you if there's any change. Harri xxx.” Well it was almost one am, and I was so tired. Apparently Carmen really did miss me, and she insisted on showing me just how much – three times.
So id wait to hear from her, and if I didn’t id get ready for my “surprise” birthday party. 23rd to be exact, man this year was gonna be a challenge.
One I was gonna face head on. Even if it killed me
Lady Liberty..Grace.....
I was on tender hooks, I couldn’t sleep in case something happened, I couldn’t do it. She wasn’t coming she decided that she just didn’t want to be born, that's what it was. She knew I didn’t know a thing about being mothers so she decided to just stay in there were she was safe from me screwing up. Yeah that's the train of thought id held for 10 hours when I should have been asleep.
I was scared and alone while he was off having a sex session with lil miss new
boobs. Ugh I think that's what maddens me most of all, this shit…she knew he was
here, for two full weeks but no she couldn’t come then like a normal person , oh
no she had to wait till my due date to show up and distract his ass with her non
existent one. It was insane, she was a jealous bitch…or maybe that was me. Well either way I was just plain mad at her…
It was after 8 when my second, yes my second baby shower ended…I think my friends knew I didn’t want to be alone if something happened. But Leesa and kali stuck around just in case. So when he came to the door all dressed up in a suit at 9; 30 I knew where he was headed the “surprise” party that he invited me too, but I of course declined. I just couldn’t for clear reasons, others included not wanting to look at those two suck face all night.
“Hey…” he said as Leesa let him in with a yell of “white boy is here….” she had her
ways; we knew she meant no harm in it.
“You okay? No pains or anything yet?”
“No…Nothin, im beginning to think she's changed her mind about us…” I laughed.
He looked hot to say the least, he had on a dark green velvet jacket with a white T
underneath and light jeans…simple but effective.
With that she came over the door, so over done I thought she was a mannequin.
“baby are you ready the cabs waiting…” she swaggered in the door in a
microscopic (too short for those chubby legs) sapphire silk number, so skin
hugging I think I saw her ribs….i hated to admit it but the bitch looked good.
“Oh hi harri…don’t you look…um...Comfortable?” she sniggered. Bitch I was ready
to give birth I wasn’t about to go work the nearest street corner.
“Well you know at times like these…in winter an all its important not to die of frost
bite, you might wanna protect your pussy and wear some underwear.
Justin burst out laughing; she just scowled at him with her daggered eyes again.
“A huh…J baby we really should go…Come on…” she tugged at his arm. He just rolled his pretty blue eyes at me.
“Well Harri if you need anything, I mean ANYTHING” he stressed “Just call my cell
okay?”
“I will…oh and J?”
“Yeah?” he looked back from the door
“Happy birthday…” he smiled and thanked me. It made me mushy. God I loved
him…but then he was out the door.
“Ok someone get me some chocolate before I hit something!!!” I yelled
playfully. “Jesus was it me or could anyone else see her –“
“EWW I know what the fuck was up with that…White boy sure has down graded since you honey…she's a class f Ho I mean that dress was a classic, DKN -O you
know?!!”
I heard that alright, it certainly was.
***************************
When I entered my party I had to admit that it was nice of her to organise it, all my friends were there some close some not, even my mamma I don’t know how
they all arrived in town and didn’t let on, even thought I knew about the party…
apparently there had been some changes to my credit cards…As in one of them
was maxed out. Yeah that's right essentially I was paying for my own party…sad
right?
But regardless it looked like fun. There was decorations, pictures of me at awkward stages, including the blonde corn rows, that lets face it were a HUGE
mistake, no white man can look cool with corn rows – take note K-fed. My girl
looked good as she worked the room, my mom looked happy as she wished my
happy birthday, then she went over this speech the one id been hearing since I
was nine - this time 23 years ago I was in so much pain, I was dying did you know
that 23 hours with you…” and so on and so forth… good times.
“Here honey let me take your jacket…” Carmen said as she yanked the thing off
my back. Then she threw me into the pit that was all these people wanting to talk
to me, get a drink (or several) for like an hour I couldn’t get moving, I was stuck in catch up conversation hell…
“Justin your being rude!” I heard her shriek
“Why?”
“Stop looking into your cell phone ever five fucking seconds, if she calls she calls…
Look give it to me go talk to your guests!”
“No they know okay…well some of em’ they know what im waiting on. I don’t want to miss it.”
“You wont, look ill keep it for you, then if she calls Ill come find you okay?”
“You sure?” she smiled… “Of course I am…Now go.”
See, that seemed like a sweet thing didn’t it…yeah the thing was, I didn’t know it at
the time but when she slipped the phone in her hands she “Accidentally” shut it off.
“Is he picking up?” I yelled at leesa
“No…Look come on we can’t wait any longer, if your water breaks here…I don’t
know what to do…”
“I can’t. He wants to be here for this!!” I was standing in my living room holding on
the back of my sofa. Shit!! It hurt so bad…I thought I was dying.
“Sweetie if he really wanted to be here, he’d be here or at the very least keep his
phone on…”
She was right.
“Ok…Kali you got my bag right?”
“YES!” she yelled “And a cab…Come on!”
It was the longest ride to the hospital possibly ever. With the Chinese cabbie that
tried to keep us all entertained between contractions with his “funny” tails of how
his wife had four babies in one go…in a ditch in china when she was 16…oh yeah really good times…
when we pulled up, with Leesa having tried his cell several hundred times as well
as his mothers and his best friends…I was loosing hope, not only was I in pain but
I was fucking pissed off at him…
“Go get him…”
“What?”
“Leesa please…Go get him!!!”
“But I….i don’t know where-“
“Please!!” I spat of where he was, hell even what room it was in. and she took that
same cab to go get him.
I pleaded with god not to let me go through this alone, Kali was cool and all but
she knew shit about this stuff, even less than Justin!
As they wheeled me into the room, the nurse assured me that I wasn’t close yet.
That I wasn’t even dilated enough. Holy shit if this wasn’t me close then I didn’t want to go any further.
“I need the drugs!!”
“Honey your not gonna push yet, so no you don’t need em yet!”
“I have a really low threshold for pain, I need something…”
“Honey, we’re almost at 4 centimetres we can’t start pushing until you’re at ten…”
“TEN! Are you kidding me here…this is insane!”
“I know darling I know…” the kind nurse Mandy said with a smile. “Now sit back
and breathe…let your friend here look out for you until I come back.
****
“Any news yet?” I asked her for like the millionth time that night.
“Nope…Nothing. Hey have you seen Christina? She was looking for you!”
“Yeah I seen her, look maybe I should call her…check in maybe?” I pondered.
“No, im sure if there was anything going on she would have called….she still held
my phone in her pocket in the slip of her dress.
“Check it again please?”
“Look cant you just enjoy this for one fucking second without mentioning her!! I
mean Jesus…your acting like she's the only one to EVER have a fucking baby….”
She was livid; her eyes scared me when she got like that.
“What the fuck is your problem I thought you said you were okay with this, whats
with the attitude!”
“Nothin, its just…” she huffed air “I just wanted one night with you that wasn’t
sidelined by her…Is that so much to ask?”
Maybe it wasn’t…I guess I never really looked at this from her side of things…
“Your right, I am so sorry…” I leaned into kiss her.
Then I heard yelling, and most of the party quietened down at the yell of my
name.
“What the fuck…” I made my way to the door to find a snow covered leesa
wrestling with two security guards, “Don’t worry sir we have her under control…”
yeah it looked that way.
“Leesa? Whats wrong…”
“OOH Justin thank fuck I found you!! Where the hell is your damn cell! Ive had
been trying to reach you for like an hour, then ive been standing out her arguing
with these two ASSHOLES to let me in to you…Its Harri…she's in labour!!!”
“What? WOW…What wait why didn’t you call…”
“DUMBASS, I have been calling! You switched your fucking cell off…”
“No…I didn’t…I didn’t…” I didn’t but she did.
I walked over to Carmen and I yanked the cell from her slip, Leesa was right, she
had turned it off.
She looked guilty.
“How could you?”
She just shrugged…
“HOW COULD YOU CARMEN, you know how much this means to me…”
“Yeah well…you know now…so I guess you better get going or you might miss it…”
“No thanks to you…” I threw the cell on the ground and stomped my way outta
there. No doubt the enquirer would be fresh with headlines tomorrow.
*****
The fucking traffic was insane on the way to the hospital, I was shaking. More so
from being mad at Carmen, then from sheer fear. This was it the baby was coming
she was on her way…then again harri was in the middle of it in pain and more than
likely hating me!
“I can’t believe that bitch did that to you…” Leesa ranted.
“Yeah, look I am so sorry had I known…”
“Boy don’t tell me, im not the one you’re need in’ to explain too, im not the one
trying to push YOUR baby throw my vagina!”
“Ok, look can you just shut up okay…Im fucking sorry but im gonna be there for
her and that’s it…”
“Yeah well…I guess its better late than never.” She shrugged; I knew she hated
me she always gave me a hard time, I used to be used to it.
When I came running into the hospital, literally seconds behind Leesa in her ghetto
ass heels.
When we hit the private ward, the one I had arranged and waiting for her…days in
advance she was on the bed – screaming.
“Justin where the fuck where you! Where the fuck was your fucking phone and
what the fuck is that on your head?”
She's in insane pain and she notices my hat? Jesus….
“Are you okay? Are you um…”
“In labour? Au YEAH” she screamed. Well it had taken me over an hour to get to
her. She really looked to be in a LOT of pain.
There was this constant buzz in the room, nurses running in and out that lady
doctor I met that one time coming in ever now and then. All telling us that
everything was “fine” how were things fine? Harri was screaming, I was sweating,
leesa was gagging in the other room…I had no idea how things were “fine”.
Nine hours, nine hours! It was madness, it was killing Harri.
“Ok…Shaharra, you’re at 8 centimetres…”
“8??? Oh for Christ sakes how big is this kid!!” she screamed latching on to my
hand again so hard that I thought she at the very least fractured my fingers.
“Its okay sweetie you can do this…right? We know you can do this!!” I tried to pep
but it wasn’t working.
“Justin” she said through gritted teeth “you’re a man, you got the easy part…an
orgasm don’t talk to me about “doing” things okay….”
I had to keep reminding myself that she was in an insane amount of pain, she
wasn’t herself clearly.
“And for the record, your girlfriend is a psychopath! She isn’t gonna be my baby’s
stepmother!!”
It was after 11am we’d both been up for a long time….she was saying what now?
“Harri I never said…”
“Well good, cause she's not…she's crazy and she has weird eyes…” she rolled her
chestnut brown eyes at me and squeezed my hand again.
“Ugh these contractions are hell…it’s like…UGHHHH god just come out…come out
already!!!”
I had to laugh at her, like the baby was gonna respond to her yelling…
We carried on with the ice chips, the rubbing and the reassurance for another hour.
“Okay Harri, this is it your at ten…we’re ready to push!” the weirdly happy doc said
smiling.
“We? FUCK that…IM ready to push!!” she yelled again. She had a low threshold for
pain I always knew this wouldn’t go well.
“We…what a joke.” She said looking at me again… “Justin im so sorry, im scared!”
“I Know baby but I believe in you like you wouldn’t believe! Now you squeeze onto
my hand as much as you need im here okay?”
“OK…”
“Harri I need you to push! Once big push!” the doctor between her legs sprouted
off.
“I cant it hurts too bad…”
“Come on honey” I encouraged as she began, and then the screaming began
again.
One push after another came and went then the doc said she saw a head…enter
my dumbass moment
“It has a head!!! YES!!!”
Everyone laughed at me, but then again I was too ecstatic to care.
“I wanna see!” I let go of her hand, and looked…then I almost, almost passed out.
How in the sweet name of Jesus was she doing this! “Harri it’s HUGE…how in the
hell are you doing this!!”
“Justin you’re NOT helping here!!” she laughed in pain.
“Push harri push come on a few more….come on…”
She did, and I saw it all…ill admit I saw it all with wobbly legs but still.
“She has hair, harri she has dark hair!!”
“Well what did you expect…a blonde?” she smiled as she pushed again, there was
the head, shoulders…arms…all of it…in a tiny little ball of a blue ish baby.
“Is that normal?” I panicked
“Yes…do you want to cut the cord?
I looked at a relieved harri as the baby was out she nodded quickly and the doc
steered my shaky hands to do the honours…she sucked out the nose, the mouth…
then there it was. A big whale of a cry. She was here…she was born.
I was crying, I was so…shocked. “She’s finally graced us with her presence…” Harri
said as the doctor handed her to me, she was so tiny…
“Yeah…graced…grace…” I looked at harri “that's her second name harri…liberty…
Grace.” I whispered. Holding her between us.
“I love it…I love her…hey little lady…welcome.” She smiled through her tears…as
did I. Id have to admit it was the most moving and wonderfully emotional moment
of my entire life.
“Look what we did…” she took her little hands, she counted the fingers then the
toes…then she opened her eyes.
Big eyelashes and almond shaped eyes just staring at us. Like she knew us, it
was amazing.
“Hi Libby…” Shaharra took her in her arms finally, she looked so drained. She was
crying, sweating and radiant all at once.
“Lil Libby…” I laughed. I got closer to the two of them, and then I looked at them
both. “Thank you.” I said into her ear.
“For what?” she whispered back
“Everything…this…my family.” I kissed her then, more so out of love than any
other time in my life. I was grateful to her, more than she’d ever know.
“Well Mrs Timberlake we’re going to take your daughter to get cleaned up then
we’ll be right back.”
“Wait…Im not…” she looked at me and rolled her eyes playfully, but that name I
could tell she didn’t want to do what she was doing.
“Im not his…wife, we’re not…”
“Oh im sorry my mistake” the nurse blushed “I just assumed, you both seem so…
well im sorry, well have her right back with you in no time just sit and rest.”
“J…go with her please?” I nodded, squeezed her hand and followed the nurse out
the door. I wasn’t about to let my daughter out of my sight.
************************
When they left the room I breathed a sight of relief, then I cried.
She was here, I was a mother…it was so scary and you know what they say about
the pain going away as soon as you see them? Its true…for like five seconds and
you remember what you just pushed out of yourself.
Then with the stitches…man I was in hell.
They moved me into my own private ward; I assume Mr Money bags prearranged
that…I was thankful. The last thing I needed was people gawking.
I slept a little, a lot I think but I didn’t notice it. I was still so tired.
Then the worst thing happened, I woke up to see Justin out the window of my
room, with Libby and Carmen.
What the fuck was she doing here? He noticed me sit up and walked into the room
“Hey you…someone’s been looking for you.” He smiled as she came in after him,
as he handed me MY daughter.
“Hi baby…” she was asleep but still. She was so amazing, her skin lighter than
mine just like I expected, her hair what little bits she had – dark. She had my
nose, his eye shape…my chin. From what I could tell anyway.
“How are you Harri?” Carmen asked, still the dirty look of guilt over her face. Bitch.
“Im fine, no thanks to you…you realise he could have missed this had you gotten
your way?”
“Harri...” Justin began “she knows, we all know…but she just wanted to see her.
She knows she's been wrong, but this is a happy occasion and I won’t have
anyone ruin our daughters first few hours on earth now shhh!” man when did he
get so bossy.
“Fine….” I cooed over her again. Then my mom came in, leesa and kali. All
carrying gifts and balloons and flowers, it was then I looked over at the rest of the
room it was covered in pink roses, balloons, shit was down.
“You did this?” I asked him, he just smiled. Carmen looks as uncomfortable as
hell, well good enough for the whore.
“Momma!” I smiled. She laughed and rushed to see the baby, of course she at
once started fussing over her, I hadn’t got her wrapped right, her head…blah de
blah.
“Omygod, Harri can you believe something so gross got you this!!!” Leesa gasped.
“Hey now…” Justin butted in “the sex was not…”
“Justin she means the birth dude!!!” Carmen snapped.
“Oh yeah I knew that…” we all just looked at him knowingly.
“Okay y’all there are WAAAAY to many women in here for me alone…” he
surrendered
“Justin” I offered “you don’t have to stay here, im sure you need some sleep…at
the very least some good food…you should go…We’ll be fine.”
He looked defiant “Naw I wanna stay…” but the bags under his eyes spoke
volumes.
“Baby” as I said that Carmen I swear she flinched. “You need to sleep because I
intend on taking full advantage of you once we get home.” I know that could have
been taken any number of ways…Carmen knew that too and simply glared at me.
I wanted to laugh it was so easy to wind her up.
“Now go…” he came over and kissed the baby’s head once, kissed me on the
cheek and left.
“Now, baby how bad was it?” my mom inquired. “It wasn’t so bad, I mean yes it
was hell but Justin was a lot of help! I really don’t know what I would have done
with out him, he's been amazing.” I know I was gushing but he really was. It was
then Kali butted in.
“honey I know you must be feeling really good right now cause your boy is here
and you’re the centre of his attention an all…but do not get any ideas.”
“What? What ideas?” I shrugged innocently.
“You KNOW what woman, he aint yours…He's hers. He's gonna be leaving to go
home to her at night remember that.”
Why was she intent on ruining my high? “Oh and I called Adam, he's arranging it
so he can come home in a week, its three weeks earlier than he had planned.”
“Hold up, I didn’t ask you to call him…”
“Well I thought you’d want him to know…you do want that right, he is your
boyfriend isn’t he?”
Technically…
“Yes, thank you…its just I was gonna do it…that's all...”
why was I acting this way, I knew Justin wasn’t mine, hell I saw him leave with her
just now and it didn’t bother me, what bothered me was that kiss.
The kiss he gave me when I delivered. It wasn’t just a thank you kiss, it wasn’t
just an “im so happy kiss” it was an “I love you and want you” kiss, I felt his
tongue so I can confirm that.
It confused me so much. I didn’t know what to think of it after that.
Two days I spent in the hospital, not unusual. When it came time for home though
it was drama all the way. The press had been notified for the goings on and as you
can imagine there was a hoopla that rivalled no other. From the window alone I
saw at least fifty dudes with cameras, news vans the works. It was scary, it was
pissing Justin off.
I never before heard so many swear words come from a mans mouth in such a
short space of time.
“you fucking pay people a LOT of fucking money to keep this fuckin shit from
happening, and look what fucking happens? It happens any way! FUCK IT!”
“J…its fine, they don’t know we’re home” I assured settling into my appartment
after being whisked from the hospital by his security.
“We’re all okay and there aren’t any pictures…she's fine.” I handed him a beer,
settling down myself.
“I know it just fucking pisses me off that's all…I didn’t want her to be a part of this
circus.”
“Neither did I….but she's yours. Its understandable that there's interest you
know?” I tried to reason with him.
“This is so unfair to her, not even a week old and-“if wasn’t mistaken he started to
well up.
I walked over to him and offered him a hug. He took it, burying his head in my
neck. Man it felt good, too good.
BAAAAAD idea, that's all I kept thinking. Then I felt his lips at my neck and after
nine months and two days of not getting any, you can imagine how sensitive my
senses were.
“J…”
“What…” his lips moved from my neck to my chin, then to my lips again, I just
couldn’t handle it…
And just like that, as if we’d trained her…Liberty Grace let a not so graceful whale
from her new little lungs.
It broke us apart in an awkward glancing match “Ill get her” we both said in
unison “No ill…Ill do it.” I ran practically to her crib.
“You just saved your mommies life little one.” I told her as I took her to the living
room.
He was sitting on the couch cell in hand…he looked so miserable.
“Justin this has to stop.”
“What has too…” yeah like he didn’t know.
“You lippy man, all lips and kissing and LIPS!!” I exclaimed “It has to stop” before
you make me regret all of this whole friendship thing…
“Why?”
“You’re with someone else, sure she's insane but she's your girl…and I…”
“You’re what?”
“Im with…Adam, and we can’t do this, its not healthy we’re supposed to be grown
about this SHE is our main priority now…” sure I sounded harsh but we were
parents now, we had partners- I think. We had to respect that….didn’t we?
Authors Note by Blondie85
Hi all, by some gift for whatever God if someone is still reading this or waiting on my lazy ass to update, im so sorry. BUT im fully done with school and, ive found my fictions again i promise this will get finished!
Chapter 11: Guilty Conscience. by Blondie85
Author's Notes:
New-ness! Im having some spacing issues with the text so if any speech seems a little out of sync, please forgive me.
Guilty Conscience....
I agreed with her mainly out of guilt, Id done it again and I really just could not it out. When I was around her, my instincts just took over and all I wanted to do was kiss her and touch her. I was meant to be in love with another woman, but the more time I spent with Harri and then Libby, I just questioned every move I made with Carmen. I did not not love her, despite everything she did, the amount of rows we had over what she did, what I did…all of it I still wanted to be with her.
I just could not bring myself to leave her. She made me smile; she was goofy and happy go lucky most of the time.
Then there was Harri, a woman that over the years has given me so much, and now she added this amazing little girl in to the "gifts to Justin" column.
It sounds like a no brainer to most people. However, to me it seemed like the hardest thing ever. I knew we had a responsibility to our daughter and I had to honour that.
I had to suppress my urges, at least for now.
***
For five months, we went back and forth between LA and New York, weekends with him, weeks with me. That is how we did it.
When Adam came back, I found myself constantly picking at him for every little thing. He loved the baby like she was his own he treated me like a princess, but I still found myself holding him back. That is right we still had not had "conventional" sex…we did “things” but I do not know what was holding me back I just could not take that step.It irked him and I knew that, I played on that
I just didn’t want to…so sue me.
It annoyed Justin that he was with Libby when he wasn’t. Therefore, we got phone calls at all times of the day and night. It was driving everyone mad, and by everyone, I mean (Adam).
“I can’t fucking stand it! I mean it’s all of time!”
“I know its just he's…concerned” I reasoned
“No he's a pain in the ass that's what he is…for fuck sake.”
“Stop cursing…” I noted as he fed my baby.
“I’m sorry…I’m sorry sweetie” he said to Libby. “When is he coming?”
“Thursday night, staying till Sunday” I waited for the argument.
“Again….”
“Again…He's looking for a place near by so that if he's here and we need some time to ourselves then it’s going to be easier.”“
Has he found any yet? I mean I know he comes to help out and all, but shit every weekend on the couch…”
“Well what? He wants to see his kid I can’t stop that!”
“I get that, what I don’t get is why he insists on going shopping with you, to dinner, lunch….I mean its fine he wants to see this little one but whys he always up in your business…”
“Chill…Please.”
"I’m just…”“Concerned I know, I get it but come on we’re just friends I don’t know how many times I have to say this”
He just pouted like a little kid. I swear sometimes it was as if I was a mother of two instead of one.
“I just think that sometimes you wish you were with him and not me…”
“What the hell gives you that idea?”
“The sex thing…the fact that we haven’t.”
Oh yeah that.
Before I could speak, he interrupted
“I know you had a baby and at first you were healing but now…it’s like almost five months; she's fine your fine but we still haven’t taken that step! Ive tried to be patient but now, it’s getting a little difficult.”
Ah ha the words of a frustrated man.
“I see…” I walked over him sliding my arms around his body.
“Adam I want to; it’s just there never seems to be any real time for us. If it’s not work for me, it’s yours, if it’s not Libby it’s my mom…but I want too.”
“Ok…” he smiled “how about when Justin gets here, we put him to work for a change and go out to dinner, and maybe a hotel…we’d get some real time alone for a change…”
It did sound nice, and id be lying if I said I didn’t want too…I did love him and I wanted to be with him, and I knew that if id just let the idea of Justin go out of my head then things would be fine.
“I like that idea, it seems like we really need it…and yeah it sounds like fun.”
He smile lit up. Yeah he really wanted to get laid….cant say I blame him.
When Thursday arrived and Justin showed "minus the ho" up we were already dressed to go out.
“Special occasion?” he asked not doubt noticing my new Chloe dress.
“Yes actually, we’re staying in the Hyatt for the night…” his face changed
“Oh…right well its swish there so I’m sure it'll be fun” I applied my lip-gloss as he stood behind me in the mirror, damn that shit looked GOOD. He was dressed down in just a faded pair of really nice, almost tight jeans for a change from that baggy shit; he was also rocking the long sleeve shirt under a tee. He was hot. But then again so was I, and so was the man I was about to go have sex with.
“Well, you look…really good.”
“Just good huh?” I smirked turning to face him. He just laughed “yeah, you always look good.”
I coughed, “so how’s…Catherine.”
“CARMEN and she's okay. She's in Mexico for the next week or so some modelling thing.”
“Are y’all okay?”
“Of course…its just she's…well she's really career focused right now and I hardly…you know what this isn’t the time, go out…have fun!” he forced a smile, he forgot I knew him inside out I knew his game face.
“Boy don’t front…what’s up?”
“It’s nothing really Har, go….” He guided me towards the door. Where it was lucky, my cab just pulled up.
“Okay well you have my cell, if anything comes up just please let me know!”
“Stop worrying, we’re going to have a blast.”
When I reached the hotel, I was welcomed with his smile first of all. He was all dressed up for dinner which was nice, he was nervous I could tell.
“So I take it blue eyed boy arrived….”
“He did, everything’s taken care off. So let’s just enjoy this.”
We chit chatted, we ordered we ate. We danced the night away and then we walked to our room.
I was nervous now, I knew he was still no matter how much we fronted.
“So…”
“So…” he agreed. As we opened the door, the room was amazing. It really was. The view, the colour scheme, the candles everywhere with slow jams playing on the CD player.
“You set all this up for me?”
“Sure did, I want you to be totally comfortable.” He smiled leading me further into the room, he was such a sweetheart.
“I love you Shaharra….”
“I…” with that the damn cell rang.
“Shit…One second.”
“Hello?”
“Harri sorry for calling its just I’ve looked everywhere and I can’t find her pacifier”
“Oh well it’s on the drawers in my room, if its not there it’s in my desk.”
“Oh okay thanks, its just she's being a little hard to settle at the minute I’m trying everything…” I looked at Adam as J spoke to me on the other end of the phone.
“Well, if that's all…”
“It is, sorry again.” He clicked off. I sighed.
“Ah, were where we?”
“At I…” he rolled his eyes.
“Oh, yeah…Adam, I love you so much…you’ve been so good to me and so patient with me your practically a saint…I just need you to know I appreciate it.”
“Well your welcome, its worth it…I love being with you and Liberty…even if certain people keep getting in the way…” he smiled.
Then we kissed. And touched and progressed to the bed.
I was fully intending to do what he wanted so badly, and I wasn’t stopping it I was just…scared as to what it meant, when we had sex our relationship was sealed and Justin and I…we’re now even further apart.
We’d gotten pretty much into it, making out, getting half ass nekkid all of that good stuff.
And strangely enough I was really enjoying myself.
Then again you all know my luck, the damn phone rang AGAIN.
“Ignore it…” Adam all but moaned.
“I can’t what if something’s wrong…”
“It won’t be…He's doing fine with her…”
I wanted to, I really did. I wanted to get laid as much as him but then again I was a mother first and foremost.
“I’m sorry!” I scooted over to answer my phone as it sat on the nightstand.
“Yeah?” I answered. Then his panicked tone came over the line.
“Harri I know I’m interrupting but she's really warm, it’s not her normal temp…I took her temperature with the thing and its really high. She won’t eat and I don’t know what to do!”
“Jesus is she okay?”
“No she won’t stop crying, I’ve tried everything…water, calpol…everything but its not working she’s like in fits of screaming!….”
“Ok…” I panicked with him “get her to the doctor, ill be there as soon as I can…her doctor is DR Ross, if she's not in go on into the ER ill call you when I get there.”
Adam looked annoyed but he covered it with concern, “is she okay?”
“No she's got a high temp and she's not eating or sleeping…I’m sorry baby…”
“I get it…”
“No, I am so sorry…I wanted this just as much as you.”
He just rolled his eyes, “if you did then you would have shut that thing off like you said you would…” he began to get dressed
“Adam what the fuck, my baby is sick…I can’t just ignore that…”
“I know that okay, I know that you love her…what I also know is that he could have handled this on his own, it’s because of him that we cant get anywhere with this relationship….”
“is that what you really think?”
“YES! Look I really hope Libby is okay ,but kids get sick…all the time, tonight was supposed to be about us!”
I couldn’t believe he was being so selfish!
“you know what if you cant handle the fact that my daughter is my priority then I don’t know what the hell we’re doing here! I mean I come as a package and part of that is ill and needs me!”
“I KNOW! I love her too, believe me but I love you too and I hate that we have to just put everything on hold….”
I knew what he was getting at, he had been a saint with me but at that minute I just had more to deal with than this.
“Adam you know what, this is not working…your clearly aren’t happy…so I think that we should just…maybe take a break from this.”
“US?”
“Yes, I want you happy…I want me happy too…so until things settle down a little I think we should just cool it.” I got dressed as did he and I left in a cab to go see my daughter.
All the while holding back tears, wondering how in the hell I always managed to screw things up….was I wrong in wanting to be a good mother, sure id let my girlfriend duties slide but it was just because I was so new at the whole “mom” thing, surely there had to be a balance…a balance that id yet to find clearly.
*****
When I saw her coming through the door I expected Adam to be following close behind, he wasn’t strangely.
“Hey…where is she?”
“The doctor has her, he says she's fine…just a fever and nothing serious…Im sorry I called…”
“No, no don’t be silly I’m glad you did…”
“Where’s Adam is he parking the car?”
She shifted against the wall, “um no…he's not with me, we had this argument…and I think we broke up.”
WOW
“What?”
“Yeah, um…well I think we did im not really sure, he's just mad at me, I was mad at him…”
I didn’t know whether or not to push this, but she seemed upset.
“Do you mind if I ask why?”
“You’ll laugh…” she sighed as she sat in one the orange plastic chairs in the waiting room, I then sat next to her.
“No I wont, it’s me here…”
“Uhh, well okay…it’s mainly because we…haven’t had sex yet”
YES!! Oh sensitive…right.
“Oh…”
“See told you it was dumb…” she shrugged.
“No, its not…it’s just…Im surprised…I thought you too were tight you know?”
She rolled her eyes. “we are…were…its just there wasn’t any time for it to be right you know…and I never felt 100% comfortable with the idea after Libby was born…weird I know.”
“Harri its normal, and completely understandable and if underpants dude didn’t satisfy you I understand…” I smirked.
“ASS, see I knew you’d make fun of this!!” she stood up.
“Well you know, those billboards man…its probably misleading, he stuffs it you know!” I signalled my below belt area.
“Justin shut up!!” she smiled finally nudging me playfully. “Lets go take our baby home…I need some sleep.”
When we got to her, she was sleeping. The doctor had given her a shot that took down her temp and calmed her down. It wasn’t anything abnormal, add that to the fact it was almost 2 am, it was no wonder she was out for it.
We got her all the way to her crib and she was still out cold.
“Oh god, what a day…”
“I know, I’ve gotten so used to flying at the minute I dream I’m on planes all the time!!” she handed me my hot chocolate, and I reframed from making any comments on her being my hot chocolate…she still looked fucking amazing, even after being rushed, and frazzled.
“Well when she's older and hopefully our lives will be a little more settled we can arrange something, more permanent.”
“Really? Like what?”
“like…I don’t know…maybe she could stay with you for a few weeks back and forth, I could go to LA instead of you always having to drop and run for us…”
“You know I don’t mind that, I love seeing her…” she looked away. “And you…I love that we do this still…”
“What? Be civilized?” she chuckled at me, sipping her own chocolate.
“yeah that…and this, us just being…Normal I guess when there is so much about and around us that just isn’t normal…” that was the understatement.
“ yeah…hey I forgot to ask you…are the rumours true?” she smiled winking.
“What rumours?”
“The ones in STAR, saying you and Cara are getting married…” I wasn’t even going to TRY and correct her, it seemed to be our thing.
“Hell NO! What the fuck…Where did that come from?”
“I don’t know, but it did strike me as funny…but the ring you gave her does look amazing.” She nodded, and I still had no clue what she was on.
“What?”
“This…” she dug out the magazine from under her coffee table and flipped to the page. “It’s a hot ring.”
I looked at it, pictures of Carmen with her friends, flaunting a big ass diamond ring on her engagement finger, showing it to the world for all its worth.
Jesus talk about scary.
“Yeah well I can tell you now, I didn’t give her that ring nor have I asked any pop able questions…” she smiled she was clearly glad I hadn’t, just like I was glad she hadn’t slept with under crackers.
“It did look a little tacky…” she giggled.
“HEY, you said it looked hot.”“Well yeah duh if you had bought it I wasn’t about to hate on it or her and tell the truth…GOD do you know me but at all!!” she faked feeling faint; she was such a goof sometimes.
"I need to talk to you about Libby's trust..."
"Justin, we HAVE talked about this, its way too much!"
"She’s my daughter, she’s meant to have this, its what its for."
"Justin, yes I love that you want to take care of her and the bank account its really great, but 13 million dollars? hell no, she’s too young..."
"That’s what I want to talk about, what if I make it so she cant touch it till she’s 18..."
"No..."
"21?"
"um, yeah I guess so...we just have to make sure she’s level headed by then, if you set on it..."
"I am...." I nodded, and she just sat in silence....
Every time she’d move she’d move closer to me, just feeling her leg brush against mine did insane things to my insides, and a few more noticeable things to my outsides.
I swear I wasn’t a pervert I was just horny as hell for her. Okay so maybe that MADE me a pervert…but I never meant for it to happen.
“Justin, are you okay? You seem kind of flushed?”
“Uh, me yeah I’m fine…you?”
“I’m good…” her hand fell to my knee, oh god. “Are you sure your okay?” I didn’t look at her; I looked at her hand, her hand that was slowly – painfully slowly moving up my leg. Ok think anything else, think – SPORTS, my grandma in her underwear, football…girls football, nekkid girls football…NO!!!! Shit.
“wh- what are you doin’”
“who me?” she smiled meekly as her hand went to my waist, looped in my jeans…travelled to my stomach and slid over my chest, until she was right up next to me. So much so I could feel the breath of her on my neck….
I swallowed hard, trying and failing to get a grip on the situation.
Or at least on her…myself on MYSELF.
Her soft lips touched on my neck, “Justin…” Oh god how does she make my name sound sexy, my name aint sexy people….
“Uh…What?”
“I want us to do something….” I faced her; she giggled leaning in and touching my lips with her finger.
“Um okay? What…” again a man can only think with one brain at a time…Guess which one was in over drive.
“I want you…and me to go in there, and do what we’ve been wanting to do for months now.”“Buy me an X-box 360?” I laughed more nervous than I think id ever been. And
so not smooth.
She just raised her eyebrow at me, and I knew, of course I did. Harri was a lot of thing, subtle was not one of them.
So I did it, I went in for the kiss. God I love her kisses.
She wasn’t holding back, and then again neither was I.
When we stood up, the intensity of the kiss had disappeared. She slid her hands up my sides; I place my hands on her shoulders. She just smiled up at me, and I did the same. She was right I wanted this too.
I kissed her again as she slid her hands under my T-shirt, the feel of her hot hands on my body jolted me into overdrive. She took off my shirt and I unzipped her dress, the underwear underneath was almost enough to get me there without actually having to touch her. Christ….
With her hand on the belt buck she practically dragged me into her new red bedroom.
By the time id lost my jeans and Klein’s we were all over the shop with our hot selves.
There wasn’t a condom but at the point it was a risk I was willing to take, I needed her just as she clearly needed me, and I didn’t want to think of the repercussions. They could wait. This was more important.
When his hands came to me, in that manly powerful way he had with them, any other thoughts I had when straight out the window. I wanted him, no more than that I needed him. Even if it was for just that one night, I was going to have what id been thinking about for months.
It was one of the reasons I kept putting things off with Adam, I just didn’t want him like I wanted Justin. Not at that time anyway.
The sex that we made and shared that night was in more ways than one awkward but sweet, and unbloody believable.
He’d slid his fingers into my hair as he kissed me, like he always did. To deepen the kiss and my need for it.
The tiny little moans he’d make as I kissed him all over, made me smile, made him self conscious
“It’s okay.”
“No it’s not your laughing!!”“
No…its funny…the sounds you make…I’m sorry ill stop.” I sat up on his waist, looking down at him as he guided my hips so, that he entered me.
And I had to admit after 14 months of basis celibacy it’s exactly what I needed. “Shit…”
I agreed with him it was the only thing I could comprehend at that second. I was too lost in euphoric sensation.
The more he grinded into me the more I did to him, it was torture, it was painful…it was bliss.
His hands gripped my breast as his lips bit gently into my shoulder. His hand ran down my spine, and up again in through my hair and on to my face. No part of me was left untouched. Thankfully.
“Faster…” I cried. It was killing me.
“Most women find that a problem…” he smiled…
“Bite me; I can’t stand this…Stop holding back!”
He bit into my torso again, this time leaving a mark. “You mean like this?” then he was just messing with me switching from the relatively fast to the excruciatingly slow.
It was then I decided to stop letting him have control, I flipped him over and took the job myself. I pushed and fought for what I wanted, and when it hit. I swear I thought I was floating.
“Jesus! YES….you have no idea HOW much I needed that!”
He chucked, pulling me into him, allowing me to rest in the crook of his arm and chest. “Actually I think I do, I mean shit I knew you liked it a little rough but you….surprised me. I didn’t think anyone could do that again.”
“In a good way?”“
In a VERY good way, girl…” slowly but surely our breathing and heart rates returned to normal.
And I did the other thing id been waiting months for, I fell asleep in his arms.
Pure heaven.
I just wondered how long that blissful feeling would last....
Not Long knowing us.
Author's Notes:
Im soooooooo sorry. I suck i get that! But im here now and ive it all finished and ill be posting it all i think right now! Enojy, and feedback is love. That or cookies. Hee.
About last night….
Waking up was a little strange, I heard gurgling and sucking. I opening my eyes and there was Harri, holding Liberty in the bed beside me. Feeding her, her bottle.
“Morning you…” she said not needing to look.
“Hey…Hey lady...” I put my hand over, and she grasped on to it for all her might.
It was too adorable.
“She was hungry, thankfully her fever has gone! I don’t know what that doc did but he's a saint! She back to her old little self again, thank god.”
I just nodded, cleaning my eyes from the sleep and sitting up against her big
leather head board.
“What time is it?”
“It’s just after 7.”
“Oh…early.”
She smiled, still looking amazing even though her hair was all over
the place and she was make up free.
“Did you notice…?”
“What?”
“Her eyes, when she was born they were chocolate like mine, now…they’re blue, like
yours. I always hoped she'd have your eyes…”
I looked into them as she laid beside us both. “Oh god…yeah look at that. Baby
you take after me!” I kissed her little cheek and she giggled -the most amazing
sound in the world. But then again I am a little biased.
“It’s nice. I like that its clear there's some part of me there….you know?”
“I know, but it’s not about appearance….right?”
“Yes, of course…but it’s still nice…” she nodded in agreement with me then.
Just as she laid the baby in the cradle beside her bed. She sat up again next to me.
Something in her face, her eyes told me that she wasn’t about to offer me
breakfast.
“Justin we need to talk.” See now that's not a mans favourite phrase, not AT all.
“Okay…”
“About last night…what we did”
I could help but smile, the memory still vivid in my head. “Yeah?”
“Well…as much as I enjoyed it, and I did, don’t get me wrong I did, and in a sense
I’m really glad that it happened”
“Right, me too….so then what‘s the problem?”
She sighs, I knew that sigh only too well.
“There’s a lot of elements here j its not that cut and dry you know?”
“No? What is it Harri?”
She ran her hands through her hair as she faced me again.
“I…it shouldn’t have happened I mean you’re with Carmen, and I…don’t even know
what Adam and I are right now…”
“What are you saying, that it was a huge mistake just, something to ease the tension kill some time, what??” I got to the point for once...
She looked down at the baby, then at me. “Justin I was emotional! My baby had
just been sick, I was fighting with my man, you…”
“I what Shaharra?…I what?”
“You were there and you…Justin I was…I hadn’t had sex in a REALLY long time, my
attraction to you… it’s always gonna be there, nothing will change that…”
“SO what has changed from you tearing off my jeans to this?”
“J don’t do this; don’t get all defensive on me okay? You knew this was wrong, you
have a fucking girlfriend!”
“I don’t care this isn’t about her, it’s about us and I want to know what changed.”
“I’ve changed Justin, I’ve changed. I’m not the same girl you fell for all those years
ago, I’m different I want different things…”
“One of them being my body…or was it just my dick?”
She looked hurt at that, I didn’t really care she was being so fucking cryptic.
“One of the reasons you and I didn’t work, Justin your life isn’t my life. I don’t
want what being with you entails…the media the celebrity…I don’t want that, I want
a normal life with a normal guy. Baby I love you…I will always…” she began to tear up as
we both stood in the middle of her bedroom. “but you and Carmen are ‘Americas
sweethearts’ or whatever…and I know you wont admit it, but you love her, you wouldn’t have
lasted all this time if you didn’t….so let yourself love her, let me go.”
It was like id entered the twilight zone for fuck sake, what was she on.
“So that's it for me? That’s it? All you wanted was…”
“If you need to hate me, then hate me baby…but I can’t be with you the way you
need, I just can’t.”
“That’s pathetic you know that!! You’re weak!”
“Am I?” she fought back.
“Yes, you’re weak and you’re scared shitless that if you let go for one second you’d
open your fucking eyes and see, you need me…”
“Like shit I need you…” she folded her arms,
“You need me just as much as I need you, it’s always been that way baby, you
were craving for me it’s the reason you couldn’t fuck you own boyfriend…so don’t
stand there and lie to me, you do enough lying to yourself!” I pulled on my jacket
as well as everything else id thrown on.
“You know what? Maybe you’re right? Maybe….it would kill you to be with me
again, because I know it now, Harri you love being miserable”
“Fuck you.”
“No baby we took care of that last night.” I smirked at her in the mist of my
madness and stormed out.
*****
I was so angry with her stupid ass; she knew I would have done anything for her,
anything…I guess that was the main problem right there. She didn’t want
everything done for her….at the time I just didn’t see it, which led me not seeing
her for the good part of six months. Every time I was due for the baby id send my
mom or dad or Trace to get her for me, and then id take her to LA, or stay in New
York.
Never once did I come in contact with her, and I think that was for the best.
In a way she was right I had been wasting my energy on lusting after her. So I gave Carmen my full attention. When I wasn’t working on movies I was with her when she was working on hers, we went on numerous vacations together, we appeared to be the perfect couple – unless you scratched the surface, then all you'd find would be pain and a carefully practiced charade that we had gotten almost too good at.
And it was killing me.
Even at Christmas, she had her for Christmas Eve, I had her Christmas day till st Stephens day... we were turning into the clichéd “broken home”, it was really sad.
The one thing I couldn’t avoid was Libby first birthday, we agreed on a party at her place with all her little friends from day care.
I had to be there regardless of her, I wasn’t about to miss my baby’s first birthday.
Hell NO.
Birthday girl.
When we pulled up, I had to check. “Trace do I look all right?”
“Why you lookin to score? Dude it’s a one year olds party…what she gonna know.
All she's gonna do is barf on it!”
“Shut the fuck up…”
He smiled. “Man I cant believe my goddaughter is ONE, a whole ONE.”
Yes he was a dumb-ass, but he meant well.
“I know, it seemed to go so fast…”
“I can’t believe she's crawlin’ now…soon she’ll be walk-in’ shit!”
“I know…” it was unbelievable able. Really it was.
When we walking to her apartment the place was crowded with kids, and their
moms.
“Oh my…you must be Justin…Shaharra mentioned you’d be here, Hi I’m Mindy Sean’s mom” said the thirtyish looking woman with a really bad face lift.
“Well hi it’s really nice to meet you…this is Trace.” And that's when I sped to the one side, walking further in to the building.
Then I saw her, my little girl. Sitting in her high chair, pink dress and ribbons all up
on her.
She looked too cute. Her tiny brown curls just in bunches and her sparkly blue
eyes lighting up as she saw me, I went to take her from her chair and she said it. Well what sounded like it anyway it was kinda gurgled…But still it was a moment.
“Dada…” her little hands reached out, I was amazed....Did she just speak?
wow…
“What??” I looked at her and she just blew threw her lips making that sound she always made when she got excited.
“She said dada. She's been saying it all week.” I looked behind me there she was,
as gorgeous as ever in the tightest jeans I’d seen and a white tank top, her arms holding
up candy in bowls.
“She has???”
“Yeah...” she smiled. “She said it when you and Trace came on TV…she got so
excited, she crawled over and that's what she said…Dada..”
“Jesus…” my baby was talking, and about ME!!
“Its pretty cool…of course im a little annoyed about her ignorin me, who was there
at the time….but eh what can you do. Her other favourite is ‘fliimoped‘ I‘ve no idea what that is, but its what she says for everything she points to.” She smiled again and you'd think we were
old friends, but we weren’t. She served the candy and the sugar bombs of
chocolate to the other kids, and then she headed to the kitchen again.
I followed of course.
“So…”
“So…” she handed me a plate. “How…are you?”
“You care now?”
I answered as her pleasant tone reverted to the one that had answered all those
calls.
Damnit.
“Yeah I care but your making me question why right now. Don’t let me keep you; I
just wanted you to be here for this so…go see your daughter.”
To hell with her, that's just what I did, I saw my mom had arrived, with her mom.
They always got along since Libby was born, they just clicked. And bitched as to
why Harri and I could no longer be “civil” to each other…yes they didn’t know we
hooked up and then rapidly unhooked the day after.
It was for the best that they didn’t know, my mother already hated Carmen I
didn’t want this to be another add the “reasons to dump” her list she was keeping
in her head.
So I did what I came to do, I doted over my baby, I gave her and her friends all
the things id bought, gifts, toys, all the good stuff that id basically cleared out the
FAO toy store getting for her, what could I say I liked to spoil my baby and why
shouldn’t I. Everything was going great until the cake, it was then it happened.
Adam was the one carrying the cake; no one told me underwear’d be there.
“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Liberty….
happy birthday to you…”every one sang along and of course she had no clue what to do, so Harri and I leaned in for her. Looked at each other…smiled, well laughed
really and blew them out for her. Libby just looked at us like we had two head.
Poor kid.
After four hours of constant kiddie chatter and all the single mothers trying to feel
me up, it was a blessing when Harri arrived with the kiddie goodie bags; with yeah
you guessed it MORE sugar.
Those poor parents they weren’t getting any sleep.
****
“So Justin, it’s good to see you again man, we’re glad you could come for this.”
“We?”
“Yeah, I mean I know you and Harri have been at loggerheads this last…well its
been rough I know that. But I know it means a lot to her that you came today.”
“Yeah…” I swigged my beer trying my best to ignore him. Smiley ass mother fucker.
“You know Adam, I didn’t know you and Harri got back on…since when?”
He smiled again, “a few months now, it’s been really great….”
“Oh so I take it you’ve now been allowed to tap it right…” crude sure but it stopped
him smiling.
“What?”
“What I mean is, has she finally allowed you to fuck her.” Some of the mothers,
ones that I assumed were Harri’s friends looked over at us. What the fuck did they want, the kids had been sent home with the nannies, and they were sipping
daiquiris this wasn’t kid conversation time.
“I don’t see how that is any of your business…” I just rolled my eyes.
“That means yes…” at that her lady ship made her entrance.
“Baby…”
I got almost confused as to who she was talking too. Then he slid his arms over
her.
Bastard.
“Everything okay?” she smiled at him,
“yeah baby everything’s fine.”
“Justin…”
“Harri…” I swigged my beer again.
“Are you okay?”
I mimicked her question in the kitchen. “You care now?”
“God, you are so childish.”
“What?”
“You the way you’ve been acting all day…childish and immature.”
“Why because ive been seeing to MY daughter…and not rowing with you.”
“No because you ignored everyone else all day….”
“Oh for god sake what do you want? I came to see her, like you said…”
“Yeah well she's in bed now…” she looked to the door.
“You want me to leave…” yeah I think I was drunk. “I don’t have to leave! I didn’t
even get to say goodnight to her…”
“Go do it now, then leave man…” Adam spoke up.
“What gives you the right to order me around ass wipe?” Harri just rolled her eyes,
grabbed mine and her own coat and grabbed me by the arm.
“What the fuck are you doin?’ ”
“Im…taking you for a walk, you need to cool the fuck off!”
She basically dragged my ass out the door and I planned on ignoring her until we
reached the end of her street “why the fuck did you drag me…”
“Because you’re drunk, and your even more stupid drunk than sober – and that’s
sayin something!”
“I hate you.” I pouted.
“Yeah I hate you too!”
“Well yeah…I don’t HATE you, but shit…you’re a bitch you know that!”
“Am I now, really that’s nice to know." She paused to look at me then, "Justin
come on we’re adults, in theory at least and we need to get past this, we need to
grow up?”
“No”
“NO” she smirked finally looking at me up close. “Justin for god sake!”
“What? You expect me to be just la de da” I motioned with my hands “when really
I hate this, it’s awkward and weird and I don’t like it. I don’t like being around you,
I don’t like seeing you, I don’t like this whole fucking fucked up situation it SUCKS!”
“Because you hate me right?”
“NO because I love you" I blurted out of nowhere "…and this. It’s too hard. You
think that you and I shouldn’t be together for whatever reasons and I get that, I
do…you weren’t happy with me, I get that too! But it doesn’t mean that I have to
like it.”
“Justin…” she tried to touch me.
“No…don’t…Harri I love my daughter, I don’t not want to see her I want her to
know me, to have a relationship with me…but I can’t have a relationship with you.
Not like this, I don’t want to be your friend…its not enough for me.”
“Well I can’t change that. I can’t change that you only see the happy times with
us…I remember the rows, I remember the fights and the tears…”
“Cynical much?”
“No realistic…” she walked ahead again.
”So you and “Adam” never fight, its all roses…that’s why you fucked me.”
Low blow I know…
She turned to me, and she walked up to me. And she slapped me – hard.
“No, asshole its not…its not all roses but I’ve moved on, im in a real relationship…
Unlike you, whose girl is in a different country every week, who doesn’t know how
to even hold her boyfriends child…who has FAKE breasts who eats TOFU for god
sake! I’m not the one living in this fantasy that can’t come true! Yes I love you…I
LOVE your dumb-ass self, I know that, you know that…but loving you…it’s just too hard
Justin.”
“Since when do you only settle for what was easy…” it wasn’t like her.
She didn’t look at me… I knew I had her.
“Look at me Harri…I know you like a challenge. Why not let this one be it.”
“I don’t…” she just looked around but not at me. “Justin loving you is just too damn
hard and I just can’t fight…I fought with and for you for a long time, I don’t have
the strength to fight any more.” She had tears in her eyes; I knew id pushed too
much. “you know its not just you, the guy…as a person loving you is the easy part. Sharing that and you with the WORLD? Not so much. And, I wouldn’t ask you to give that up - that’s your life. You love it, and they love you. You can’t have us both.”
I hated this, this back and forth this constant pain from having my heart stamped on every time I saw her.
I knew I had to give up, this was it, this was the last time id fight…hell she wasn’t
willing too why the fuck should I…sure I loved the bitch, I loved her so much it
actually physically hurt when id see her with underwear dude…I loved her because
she was the mother of my child, the woman who gave me my angel…but she was
also the woman who was stomping over my bleeding and sensitive heart. Fuck
her, fuck this…I was done with Shaharra Green, this was it people I was MOVING
ON!
For almost six months we did the “avoiding” thing again. And I was much too bitter at her to even care that I didn’t see her this time. Id moved on, yes I really had. Id put all my anger at her and my stupid self into some new tracks, mixes and genuine bitching on vinyl. My knew album Ladies and Gents would be a number one with all this angst - ill bet on it.
Back and forth I went with Libby for those six months, god love the child she must have been so confused. When she started talking though that's when things got…entertaining shall we say?
She was developing this little personality all of her own, she loved me…clearly…she didn’t like Carmen so much. And I can’t really say I blame the kid, Carm wasn’t really the maternal type – held her all weird, freaked out at the least little things…forgot she was there sometimes even. Now that was scary.
I know it seemed petty keeping our hate going for such long periods of time, but it wasn’t like we even saw each other everyday. In fact i hardly saw her at all, except when she couldn’t find anyone to drop the baby off…the baby, she was spoiled of course... from my mothers point of view, and all my family she was the centre of attention. And like her daddy, she loved every minute of it.
After months of looking, I finally managed to find an apartment in New York that I loved enough to want it, to change it to my style and then move in as I worked on a few production deals.
Carmen hated the idea of leaving LALA land, but what could I do. I wasn’t working full time yet and since Shaharra id heard was now working on a full case load of shows that she was currently or in the process of producing for MTV.
She needs me to take Liberty, and I was more than happy to have her staying with me.
“Daddy…” Libby came bundling towards me with a bundle of tissues ripped to shreds.
“Aw honey no…” her little blue eyes just gazed up at me like she didn’t know what
she’d done. Of course she didn’t Carmen was supposed to be looking out for her
as I emailed my manager.
“Carm…”
“What?” She snapped, her cell glued to her ear, it was like she couldn’t function
outside of LA.
“what are you doin’…The baby hello"
“What I was on the phone.”
“Yeah and you were supposed to Be watching her, I told you I had work to do…
Jesus it was five minutes for god sakes…”
“Dude, she's fine look” she went over to pick her up then even though I didn’t know why at that point she was sitting content on the floor playing her farm animals.
She right away started fussing, she just didn’t like the way Carmen held her…that
and I was convinced Harri was brain washing her every night not to like her, then
again I was paranoid…and she was only 18 months old…
She started full on whaling.
“Look why do you do this, she doesn’t like me!”
“She does, she just senses that you’re uneasy that's all…when you’re uneasy they are too…Look come here.” I held up my arms and she wanted in to them. Held
against me, she quickly hushed and started tugging on my hair. Laughing.
“See…it’s not that hard.”
“Yeah for you maybe, she hates me.”
“She’s a baby how could she hate you…”
“Well maybe she's more like her mom then…..”
The whine started in her voice, my God did I hate that whine.
“I think it’s your attitude, Jesus she's a good kid you just need to pay attention to
her!” I sat down with her.
“Im tired of it okay…she's not my baby Justin…its clear isn’t it…”
"Why???"
"I’m just different that’s all...I’m not like you I cant adapt to these things....not
like this..."
“Why because she doesn’t look like me or you is that it? I laughed and she just
shrugged. I never thought for a second that she was serious.
“Maybe, I mean Justin its not like she can even pass for my daughter is it?”
“What the fuck are you on for god sakes…I thought you were cool with this now, I
mean you’ve had long enough to get used to it.”
“Well maybe I’m not…Look I love you baby, but I didn’t sign on for step mom…its
not me, and I’m not ready to deal with all the issues that ill have to deal with a
kid!” she screamed at me, I was convinced she was crazy then and there.
“Well we’re a package baby, she and I…”
“And Harri and Adam…” she rolled her eyes again, “dysfunctional family at the
most.”
What the hell…
“I know it’s not normal…but it’s working right?”
“Is it?”
“Well don’t you think it is?”
She just shrugged at me, the baby started babbling daddy at the top of her lungs
when I wouldn’t look at her.
“Its not that I have a problem with the fact you’re a dad, and don’t get me wrong
baby you’re a great dad…”
“BUT?”
“But….I’m not a mom, I’m not her mom and to be honest the issues we’re dealing
with now are only gonna magnify…she's a constant factor in your life...I’m not, I
think that's where my issues start…”
“Why?”
“I feel like if I get close to your baby and we break up…” she rolled her eyes, she
never liked getting emotional…this time was no different. “Then id have to give her
up too if im gonna be her “mom” ” she used her fingers to quote “and then we
break up….”
“Wait a second what makes you think we’ll break up…”
“Well maybe it’s the fact that you’re not in love with me any more…maybe that has
something to do with it.”
“What?”
“For like six months, baby you’ve been different with me, you’ve been so…distant.”
She was right; it was just one of those things – like Harri, that I was ignoring…
“That’s not true…I do…love you.”
“But are you in love with me? That’s the question. I don’t doubt you LOVE me but I
want…No I need you to be IN love with me, I need some sign that im a part of your
life…for good. If I don’t…then im gone.”
See now that angered me, anything for me but someone telling me what to do or
not to do…it pissed me off.
“Are you giving me an ultimatum?” the baby cooed at me as she tugged again on
my growing curls…I ignored the pain of that to stand up and confront her.
“In one word? Yes…I am. Im tired of feeling expendable Justin…So love me now or
let me leave.”
I was convinced she was crazy; she was in a sense a little loopy but I liked her, I liked her enough to allow her to stick around but the truth was no matter how hard I tried, I just didn’t love her like I knew she needed me too.
She stared at me, waiting for her answer. So I gave it to her….
“Well I guess you should leave then.”
“WHAT?”
“You’re right…Im sorry…but you’re right I don’t love you like that, I don’t think ive
allowed myself too…And that's my issue not yours.”
She just stomped her feet into the bedroom packed a bag and left slamming the
door behind her.
Leaving me with the only woman in my life who hadn’t abandoned me, who hadn’t
put constant demands on me, she just knew I was her daddy and I made her
laugh…and suddenly that was the only thing I needed…
“You know what Libby…” I looked at her tiny glowing little face just grinning with her
two little teeth at me. “Woman are crazy, I see that now…but then again maybe I’m
the one that makes them that way…I don’t know…” she just laughed still no idea
what I was babbling about “see, I’m weird we ALL know that right but then again,
I’m just as normal as everyone else…I want the same things as everyone else, hell
I need the same things…Material things aren’t the issue for me, its more…
emotional. I want to be able to just BE…you know?”
She just furrowed her little eyebrows at me as I pulled her night shirt over her head
as we sat on my king sized bed, with just the lights of the city from the window and
the glare from the bathroom light lighting us up. Her musical bear was on the
pillow, the one that sang “Over the rainbow” to us as she crawled into the big bed
bedside me with her dummy and bottle in each hand.
“Aw honey of course you don’t know…you’re just tired aren’t you angel…” her hand
went into her curls, she twirled them – a trait she and I share, I used to do that as
a kid when I was sleepy. Classic sign and reason for me to shut up and try and let
her sleep. “Night, night…”
I was working almost 18 hours a day for three weeks straight. What with the new
July- August summer schedule I was commissioned to do seven new shows.
SEVEN! I mean I went from no work to waaaay to much work…In a way it was a good
thing that Justin decided to move to the city. He was a god send when all the work
came pouring in. we decided to break the non spoken agreement of not seeing
each other that we had…when he and Carmen broke up I was afraid for him, he
seemed weird…well weirder than usual anyway…
But other than that he seemed over our little – encounter. Which I was happy
about, it made seeing him easier and I hate to say it, but it made it easier to lie to
Adam.
Yeah, no looks thank you very much, I know okay….I lied to him, well not so much
lied but I just didn’t volunteer the truth.
I was a bitch, yeah maybe….
But I was one busy bitch.
“Hey…” I announced when he answered the door to his penthouse apartment on
5th avenue.
“Hi…” he looked a little dishevelled. “She's just out of the bath, we had an issue
with the creamed potatoes she had for dinner, she got more on her self than in her
mouth, and well she was more jumpy in the bath than a leap frog…” he pointed to
his shirt. He was soaked. I had to laugh, he was usually so cool and put together…
“Do you want me to get her ready?” I asked walking in the whole way.
“Na, she's in her crib, she's already dressed but her hair’s still a little wet…sit down I
don’t want her leaving with wet hair…”
He was right; I didn’t want her getting ill again.
“Ok” I sat in his extremely plush sitting room, his view was amazing I really had to
admit. It was so high I could see everything if I moved to the right places.
He came through the door again with a beaming Liberty, “Momma!!!” she
exclaimed reaching out her arms.
“Hello you…have you been good for daddy?”
She nodded fast as I took her, and Justin sat down. He was worn out.
“She’s pretty energetic I know…” I laughed as she started jumping up and down in
her PJ jumpsuit you know the kind that look like little prison outfits with feeties in
em’…a pink one of those.
“Yeah I know, it’s insane really…I don’t know where she gets the energy to be
honest…its non stop! Even during “nap time” which I take great use of, she's still
moving!” he laughed sitting back as Libby parked her bum in between us both.
“Mommy, are we go home?” she looked up at me, “We are now honey…”
“Humm...” she mumbled “stay he-a” I loved her way with sentences, like she knew
what she wanted to say and she was beginning to do it so well.
“Aw no honey we gotta go, mommy’s tired…”
“STAY HE-A!!” she started jumping up and down again. And her request made me
so uncomfortable.
“NO!” I got up and pointed at her, she hated that. She sat down beside her dad,
and move toward him. Cuddling into him. Oh she was a daddy’s girl alright.
“Harri you’re welcome to stay if you want? I mean I have three rooms, pick one…its
yours.”
“No I cant I really…WE really should go home.” I looked down at Libby who smiled
through her not there yet teeth.
“Well im just sayin’ the offers there, your clearly tired, Lib wants to stay…what’s the
point in going ALL the way home, in that traffic….In the rain and the cold…” He fake
whined.
“Ok okay I get it…It would be stupid but J…come on, I’m not so sure it’s such a
good idea.”
“Why? Cause we had S.E.X.” he spelt out in case she’d repeat it “six months ago…
Girl you know we’re cool…I’m dealing, you’re dealin’ but we’re fine! Go take a bath,
go to sleep ill watch her, I tivo’d some cartoonsfor her, sure she doesn’t get it, but
she laughs …so…” he shrugged laughing.
“Are you sure?” I sure as hell wasn’t I mean, his attitude change was severe. He
was totally chilled…it was freaking me out, what with months of bitterness, his turn
around was…weird if I was honest.
“Um no bath needed, but I am tired.”
It was only 10:30 but still…Id been up since 5.
“Go on, the room next to mine is made up, my mom usually uses it…so you KNOW
it’s too clean!”
I was still hesitant but I agreed out of sheer exhaustion.
“Thanks J…”
*********
I decided once Carmen and I broke up that I’d embrace my women with a different
point of view. I’m not sayin’ it was easy looking at her after all of our rows, after all
the issues she and I had gone through.
But then again she was there, and I don’t know how to explain it. Whenever she
was around me I just forgave everything and anything. Not seeing her, not talking
to her…it was easy to hate her. But once I saw her again all of that went out the
window and her personality just took me in and over completely. I loved being
around her, I didn’t think I would be able to cope with her presence after we slept
together again, after she took my heart out on that pavement and stamped on it…
But then she was here and I was…well I was Okay.
“Okay sweetheart…sleep time.” Harri came out with one of my t-shirts on and old
boxers on. “Noooo mama Noooo im no ti-ward …”
“Liberty Grace Timberlake…” her tone even scared me for god sakes. “Now…” she
took her in her arms, then her tone changed “Now, momma made you a magic bo-
bo” her word for her bottle “for bed time…don’t you want it?”
She shook her head no…then Harri produced the pink glitter bottle, the one that
she used as the “magic” one to get her to sleep. It always worked.
“You DON’T want it?” she looked at me “daddy what will we do?…I think we should
give it to the poor babies then if she doesn’t want it…”
“Yeah I think so too….”
“Noo, my Bo-tel” she mispronounced.
“So you want it then?” I asked
“mmmmmhummmm…” she took it and stuck it in her mouth fast.
Harri smiled at me “ill be right back.”
She went into the crib in her room to place her in it, and hopefully wait till she fell
asleep.
I kicked back and opened my beer, I never used to drink when the baby was in the
house but I needed it with Harri in my company. I just didn’t know how to react
around her any more. I mean what were we now…apart from Libby’s parents we
weren’t anything else. Not even friends.
Less than ten minutes later Harri came from the room with the monitor with her.
“She’s out for the count…she was as worn out as I was.” She sighed sitting on the
couch beside me.
“I know, she's not the only one!” I offered her a beer that she took, from the
bottle. That was the old, less up tight Harri I knew so well. Street wise joke cracking
Harri that didn’t care what anyone thought of her, no matter what she did. She
changed though, once Libby came along it’s like her fun side disappeared…she's
was almost too grown up.
“Aww I needed that.” she sighed. “It’s been one shitty day. One pre-Madonna after
another thinking they owned me...AH I hate celebrities!”
“Thanks…”
“Boy shut the hell up, you know you aint a “celebrity” you’re just…you.”
“Most people see me as a ‘celebrity’ though….don’t generalise babe!”
She rolled her eyes at me, “what the hell ever…" she laughed, settling on another
slurp "You okay?”
“Why?”
“Well, I’ve seen Carmen…with what’s his name…Vartan??”
“Yeah…I know, and yeah I’m fine you know, it’s been a few weeks…she clearly
needs someone…” I rolled my eyes laughing nervously, I didn’t know how to do this
whole intimate convo with her again, she made it too easy….
“What about you? You need anything?”
“Na…I’m okay, for the first time in a long time girl…I’m alone…and I like it.”
“Really?” she asked that like she didn’t believe me.
“Really…” I repeated “I like that I can just be by myself…work…then see Lib…without
having to answer to someone else…its been cool you know…”
She nodded swigging her beer. “Well good, I’m glad…really…I’m glad your okay
now. I got worried about you there for a while.”
“Even when you and I weren’t talking…”
“Yeah boy…especially then…I worry…even when I have no right too…”
“Well…thanks…I worry about you too…for the record.”
I really did. But I didn’t know why I was telling her this…see what I mean, she made
talking and opening up WAY too easy.
“Thank you…”
“Welcome…” I looked away, shit she made me blush…
Why. I was over her…I was…I didn’t love her any more…I didn’t love anyone but my
baby any more…and that's the way I needed it to be.
See I realised that I always used the women in my life to fill that void I knew I
couldn’t or in my case…wouldn’t. I knew I needed to grow up and be a man, in
every sense of that word. I needed to be alone to allow myself access to my own
heart…so maybe next time id listen to that instead of my messed up head.
The next morning I was awoken by the sounds of Libby laughing hysterically, I got
up and there she was, on the floor with Harri. Rolling around, Harri calling her a
snowball that was rollin’…it was too cute.
“Daddy looook!!” she exclaimed her little afro of curls now in two pig tails. “Rollin’”
she stood up hands on her little hips still laughing.
“I see that!!” I lifted her up as Harri got off the floor.
“Sorry we woke you, its just I haven’t had time to play with her in a while…the urge
was almost too much! You spoil her here you know…” she noted the pile of toys in
the corner of the sitting room.
“Woman please, like am NOT gonna do that…you know I like to treat my women
well…and she is the most important!” I poured myself some coffee. Totally okay
with my new decision to “ Let by gones be by gones” my new mantra if I had too.
“I know but I don’t want her to be one of those rich B.I.T.C.H.E.S when she grows
up, I hate chicks like that…”
“So do I…but I think we can relax for now, she's only a year and a half…hardly
socialite material just yet…” she agreed and sat down on the breakfast bar “So
what’s your plans for today?” she asked eating MY strawberry pop tart.
“Well, my breakfast is being eaten FOR me so…I guess finding something else to
eat…then I have to do some last minute checks with Trace over the new line of
WR…”
“That's going really well, I’ve seen them in Nemans, and Macys now too, I like the
jeans…”
“so do I…” I stepped out to show her mine.
“Nice…they actually make you look like you HAVE an ass!” she cackled…
“Funny!” I sarcastically piped. “ What are you doing to day?”
“Well we…Miss Libby and I are meeting 'Uncle' Adam for lunch, then we’re goin’ to
the zoo.”
“Really?” Man that stung, wasn’t it meant to be the mom and DAD doing that sort
of thing, not the mom and her “creepily happy I’m sure he's really gay boyfriend''…
it just wasn’t right.
“Yeah, she's been wanting to go so since I have today off we decided…why not.”
“You’re right yeah that's cool…take some pictures for me will you?”
She looked uncomfortable… “um yeah sure…Justin, id ask you to come but its just
since I’ve been getting things back on track with Adam, well he's not too keen on
having you around…”
“Oh…” like I didn’t know that.
“Yeah, so um…well before I leave I guess I should be the one to tell you…”
She inhaled a breath loudly. All the while I imagined her news that he's dying and
leaving my girls alone….
“What?”
“Well, a few weeks ago for our sorta kinda anniversary we went up state and well…
Adam asked me to marry him.”
I felt my heart stop. No it really did STOP.
“Wow…”
“Yeah…” she smiled nervously. “He asked me, and I said – “
“Yes…” I finished for her. Throwing my coffee down the sink.
“Yes…I said yes, I just wanted you to be the first one I told…” her awkwardness
seemed through.
“Why wait so long?”
“I don’t know, I told him I needed time before we made it official….we’re telling
everyone else today, but I wanted you to be the first to know.” She looked happy,
glowing even…but I didn’t see a ring, cheap bastard.
I glanced at her finger….she clued on “OH I haven’t been wearing the ring, like I
said no one knows…that's a dead give away right?”
“Right, yeah well…” I took a deep breath and tried my hardest NOT to cry like the
bitch I was.
“Congratulations….”
“Really?” she looked taken aback…rightly so.
“Yeah, I’m happy that you’re happy….” I moved in and hugged her. She hugged
me back with just as much might. God she smelled good.
“Well…phew…” she laughed.
“What?”
“Do you know how hard that was too do?” she looked awkwardly at her feet, and
yes I knew…it tore me apart.
“Naw, girl we’re cool remember….I am…” say it, even if I don’t mean it, it’s what
people say isn’t it… “I am happy for you…really he's a nice guy…”
“I’m glad you think so….” She looked at her Jacob& Co watch, the one id given her
two Christmas’s before…was it weird she still wore some of the jewellery I gave her?
“Wow, I’m late…Libby come on we’re late…thanks again for being cool with this J…it
means a lot!” she smiled and kissed me on the cheek, grabbed our daughter and
was on her way… to him…bastard.
I walked to my cabinet; reached for the biggest bottle of JD I could see, grabbed a
glass ice and decided id toast the “Happy” couple…for at least a few hours of
mindless drinking.
I realised after a bottle of JD and no food that it wasn’t a nice mix…I felt like shit.
But then again that could have been down to the downer on my heart at that time,
I don’t know which but what ever it was…I sure as hell didn’t like it.
You know that thing you do, when you get depressed lonely and drunk…what’s it
called… oh yeah Dumb-ass disease, well id caught it…and reached for its spreader.
The “telephone” only this wasn’t an ordinary phone, this was one that was aiding
me in making the biggest mistake of my life.
“Carmen, hey its Justin…can we talk…its important.”
--------------------
Author's Notes:
This one is super long! Hope ya love it! XxX
"I would have loved you"
"You’re getting married? Oh my holy Jesus…I never, ever expected that to happen…I mean WOW…”
Well damn thanks…
“yeah well I asked and its happening, a week on Sunday” I confirmed, since it was
Saturday I had eight days, man it was like one of those shot gun weddings you
hear so much about, only I wasn’t in Texas and no one was knocked up.
“EIGHT days? Are you crazy…you can’t plan a weddin’ in eight days” my mother
hollered at us from the kitchen.
“Yes we can, its not gonna be anything big….we’ll do a small wedding…we’re
thinking Vegas…the just party it up afterwards you know…”
“Sounds good to me!!” my best friend high fived me, yeah we still do that…
“Justin come on, you just got back together with her, are you sure marriage is the
best idea for y’all…” my ever caring mom came in and sat down, the look of shock
still evident on her pale face.
“Mom, its time for a change I need this, I need to move on grow up and start a
new life…this is one way of doin’ that….”
humm, maybe I should explain this…well after I got drunk, I mean couldn’t tell my
ass from my face drunk…I called Carmen, grovelled and sobbed like the drunk idiot I was, and then…I asked her to come over…she did.
And by that time I was completely sauced. So I had entered the “whatever she can do I can do BETTER” phase of jealously
And yes I “purposed” although it was more of a slurred “what’do’ya think…it'll be fun” speech instead of declarations of love and trust…
Well I needed to do something, and in my manly dumbass, no brain, dirt for intelligence way…well lets just say it seemed like a good idea at the time, and it got me lots of sex, which served the purpose of getting my mind of Shaharra.
Carmen assured me she’d ‘learn to deal’ with the baby and with Harri, I didn’t believe her but I was sure I could change her mind….well as sure as I was of
anything at that point.
“Oh honey I think we should have a huge party in LA and invite all of our friends…
everyone…maybe even snag a magazine deal from it…could be quite lucrative
don’t you think?” She all but screamed, pointing at venues whilst searching the
web for dress designer ideas.
“Um, yeah sure baby whatever you want is fine with me…” I fed Libby with the
mashed banana that she got more of on her dress that in her own mouth.
“hey what time is harri getting here”
I checked my watch, she was actually late. “Any time now why?”
“No, no I was just wondering if you wanted to go out for dinner maybe…”
“Um…yeah sure, sounds nice…”
She saunters into the kitchen, micro mini and the longest boots id ever seen.
Kissed me on the cheek, “good. Ill just go get ready then…”
“Daddy is in sooo much trouble Libby, it aint even funny…” she just looked at me
furrowed little eyebrows, mouth covered in banana “he-a” she handed me a
mashed up piece of her snack.
“No, you keep it…” she shook her head rapidly her curls falling all over her face “no…He-a…” she made me eat it, and I realised how gross it was. “Okay let’s
find something else…less old folks home shall we…” I lifted off her bib and just as I
did the door bell rang. “Ooh…Liberty I think we know who that is….”
She looked up, “your mom!!” she smiled “YAY…” as she clapped the remains of the
fruit went all over me…kids I swear…
I opened it too see a refreshed looking harri, huge ass engagement ring an all…not such a cheap little shit after all…
“Hey there…hi J…” she grabbed Libby “girl what have you been doin’ your covered in…EWW…” she looked at me with rolled eyes “a little warning dude…please.” I just
laughed…
“Harri ive something to tell you…” I looked over at her as she wiped our baby with
a wash cloth
“Yeah…well spit it out boy I aint got all day…” she laughed as Lib tried to eat the
cloth.
“I purposed to Carmen…”
She just paused, at that Carmen came into full view, now in skin tight jeans and a
cami.
“Shaharra hello! How are you…” her phony tone was clear to both of us as we
exchanged looks.
“Me, oh im just fine girl…and you?”
“Grrreat! Did Justin tell you…Im so excited…?”
“Ill bet you are…this must be a dream for you…all this attention…it must be
great…” okay so she was being sarcastic but Carm didn’t seem to pick up on it.
“I am…it’s gonna be so much fun! You and Adam HAVE to come…”
“Well…” she grinned looking at me, with a look that said ‘what the fuck is this…’ or
something along those lines. “Im sure we’ll be there…anything to support my
favourite most stable and not fake loving couple…really it would be a blast im
sure….Justin…” she eyed me with the stare of death “can I talk to you outside for a
second….” She walked out with
“Yes?” I asked knowing full well what she was wondering.
“Now Justin I realise that you’re a little slow on the up take sometimes…made clear
when for three days you had the baby’s diaper on backwards…you wore a t- shirt
back to front for a month and you believed Britney when she said she wasn’t
sleeping with Wade…Now what I don’t get is this…you told me less that 48 hours ago that you were “happy” alone and that's what you wanted, the suddenly…your
getting married to the ho’ boy please explain this one to me cause I think your
dumbness is contagious…”
“What can I say…you inspired me?”
“Say what?”
“Like I said you’re moving and I realised that's what I want too… I don’t want to be
alone; I want a family just like you have…” I sounded pathetic
“And you think she's the one to give that to you? Because she's SO family
orientated…riiight…” she smirked, knowing me like she knew me, she knew this
was a front.
“Well dude, all I can say is…Good luck…you’ll need it.” She leaned in, kissed me on
the forehead.
“Im gonna jump, im late as it is…thanks again for watching her from me…” with
that she turned on her highly expensive heels picked up my baby and left.
Leaving me questioning everything id convinced myself of. Damn her and her
knowledge of all things me…damn her, I was doing it, and I was getting married
creating a commitment, one I needed. I didn’t care what she thought. Nope…
definitely didn’t…
“What a pathetic mess he had turned in to, I mean what was he 6? I mean come
on, he's broken it off with her, he CLEARLY doesn’t love her…not in the way he
should if he's marrying the bitch…Na- ah there is definitely something missing…”
“Girl who you tellin’” leesa began “I knew this from the moment I set eyes on the whore…she's a no good trifling lil Biaoch….and he's marrying her? Plu-lesse you
know he only doin that so he can say he's just as good as you…the boy has some
serious ISSUES, I think we need to call oprah on his ass…” she sipped her cocktail.
“I know, I mean its weird right, im not crazy to think this is weird…with Adam and
I…we’ve been great for a long while now…stable…him and her? SO have not…”
“You two have been fine….then again you lied to him about boucin with white boy
that time…”
“Why you gotta bring that up?”
“Because, you still think about him…I know you do, I see it…”
“I don’t know what the hell your talkin bout woman…” I sipped on my Cosmo,
ignoring her smirks.
“girl don’t front okay…I see you when he's around y’all…when you see him with lil Libby…you get all misty eyed and hopeful….just lets put it this way, it’s a damn
good job Adam aint the sharpest tool in the box.”
“What are you sayin’?”
she simply rolled her eyes at me “am sayin…yall still have that lovin feelin’ that's
what am sayin…he does it too. The boy has NEVER gotten over you…hard too since your so amazing an all…that one time he went out with Rob, remember when we
were dating a few months ago…well he told me that Justin got drunk and just
couldn’t stop gushing about how “wonderful” and “special” you were to him…or
some other white boy avoidance talk…I don’t know I was havin trouble keeping
up…” she looked around
“He means because of Libby…he's so over me, he can’t even see me any more, im
a blip…”
“Yeah, ah ha…surrre.”
You know when some people say you never forget your first loves? Well I believe
that…now Justin wasn’t my first but he was pretty damn close....and I still
remember. For a long time all I remembered were the bad times, the rows, the fights, the tears and all that pain.
But then, with time came the rose coloured glasses, and I remembered all the fun
we used to have. Skiing, him almost throwing me off the ski lift, then me twisting
my ankle so bad he had to stay in doors with me the whole week we were there,
or that time in Fiji he got stung in the butt by a mad jellyfish…and he got all
swollen up like a pumpkin…aw good times, and pretty accident prone as I recall.
But it was fun, we didn’t care what people thought, we didn’t care about the
cameras, the fans the weirdo’s…None of it bothered us. We had each other and
that was enough…I don’t even know why im dwelling on this now…I don’t know
maybe its because when I found out about Libby, I knew no matter what I did no
matter for how long I tried to avoid him…he would always be in my life…girlfriend
or no…
Now it was gonna be different, he'd be married…to HER of all people. Soon they’d
be having kids of their own…id be phased out. I really didn’t like that idea. Not at
all.
Not only because I knew I had a hold over him, it was something he held over me
too only I was better at concealing it than he was…that was slipping now I guess.
He was serious about her now, hell she was gonna be his wife for god sakes…I
knew I couldn’t compete with that.
Then again if I was so stable with Adam why did I even care?…now that was the million dollar question….one I needed an answer to?
All week we’d been “preparing” for the wedding. Not that we really needed to prepare…it was gonna be a six minute ceremony in a little white chapel…classy huh? Again her idea not mine…but I was up for the party afterward, lord knowing id need more than a few drinks….with three days to go id gotten my fitting for my wedding suit – charcoal with a deep sapphire tie to match in with her bridesmaids. Her dress id heard was gonna be amazing. I didn’t doubt it, she always looked great, and that was never her problem, what was…or in her cases what wasn’t upstairs…
Id asked harri and underwear 5000 to come, how could I not. I wanted Liberty to be there, and that was mainly the only way Harri would agree to letting “her” baby go to Vegas.
I need reassurance, and to be honest I was scared shitless. It never really dawned
one me before I was due to get the ring that this was for real, this was for LIFE….
Scary thought, but then again the thought of being alone forever didn’t seem too
appealing either so I guess I was locked in, I was going to try my best with her
and that's all anyone can hope for right?
Well it’s all I hoped for anyway.
All this time id been hoping- about harri and I…that maybe we could work
something out…the hope was officially dead the minute she agreed to marry Adam. I mean they genuinely did seem happy, I just chose not to see it. So I
swallowed my stubborn ass pride and pulled myself up once and for all, it had
gone on long enough; the endless mental exhaustion alone was taking its toll on all
of us. I had said it before but this time I meant it, I was moving on…for real…for
ever…Hell id be a married man in less than a week.
Scary thought though it was…I was looking forward to embracing someone different, to finally giving my girlfriend the chance in my heart she should have
had all along.
Just like she’d learn to “deal” with my baby, id “learn” to love her the way a man
was supposed to love his wife…I would do a good job at it too, I always gave
110% when I did anything I wanted to do, this would be no exception.
“Dude I really can’t say I agree with you on this one…” trace rambled off from the
changing room of the tailors.
“Why not…”
“Because man, Carmen’s great don’t get me wrong…but I just never saw the two
of you lasting that's all…I always saw her as your “rebound” chick…”
“She was…in the beginning…but its different now, I know what I need now.”
“And your sure it’s her?” why’d he have to ask that?
“Yes…what I need is NOT harri, therefore a woman that loves me, wants me now,
and needs me now…Carmen is all a that…”
“You love her?”
I rolled my eyes at him “why do you care…”
“Because man, if im gonna be stuck with her ass while y’all are married I wanna at least know your doin it for the right reasons…Not just to prove a point to Harri.”
Shit, the little midget had brains I never knew about…
“What are you talkin bout?”
Then it was his turn to roll his eyes at me.
“Seriously…you really sure about this…cause am not!” he laughed.
“Im sure, now can we please drop this.”
I don’t know why I was having trouble admitting my “love” for her, it would have
shut him up to know end…then again he was my oldest friend the one of few I
didn’t have to front with, he knew me too well…
“We’re leaving for Vegas at 6; we should be there by 8…”
“Right well we’ll be there the day before, we wanna do some gambling before
hand, and my mom’s taking time off work so she can come too.”
“She really wants too?”
“well yeah, I mean she and your mother have been ever so tight since Libby came
along, hell she's even warmed to you now….and I thought that would only happen
when hell froze over.”
“Well LA is a little frosty…” I laughed at myself, I was weird I know that.
“Seems so…” she trailed off…awkward.
“Right well we’re staying at the palms so…if you have any trouble…”
“I Know call you…I know…” there was silence for a few seconds, seemed like
longer. “Justin…”
“Yes?”
“Good luck…”
“Thanks Har…” Ill need it…trust me, once you see what happens in Vegas, you’ll be
wishing me the same thing…?
When Adam Libby my mom, and Ella my new babysitter and I landed in Vegas, we went straight to get settled in. it was one kick ass room of course, but why he got me the penthouse is anyone’s guess? But then again I was thinking they many more amazing rooms to choose from…
“You know he didn’t have to pay for all of this…” Adam began, and we hadn’t even
sat down yet.
“Baby, don’t…Ok just enjoy it.”
“All am sayin is that I could afford to get us this room…” what was it with males
and their need to be “the man” ill never understand it…
“I know k…Now please… Im gonna stay here get changed and showered then
leave Libby with Ella. Then you and I man are gonna hit the town!” I smiled, kissed him on the cheek…resisted the urge to smack him for being so stupid…and went to
unpack.
I was really growing tired of his “Im better than Justin” whining. I mean at first I
expected it. Adam was an extremely self respecting man, and the idea of
his “manhood” being called into question AT all? Well it was unthinkable.
But now it was ALL the time and I was SO bored with it.
I was bored with the lot of it really, the whining the constant questions, the media
glare…All of it because of my friendship with my baby’s father. It wasn’t
uncommon for people to do the “Blended” family thing, for the sake of their children….not at all. I didn’t understand why both Adam and Carmen seemed to
have an issue with it…I mean it wasn’t like Justin and I had feelings or that we’d
slept to- oh wait…maybe I did know why they felt uneasy…see where lying gets
you? NOWHERE but annoyed’ land…and I was now the queen.
********
When we landed in Vegas, Carmen was first one to head to her suite. She needed
to “change” before we partied, why? Considering it took her two ours to pick
something to wear on the place ride there…I had NO idea.
I was so anxious about the idea of “marriage” I mean the wedding ceremony I
knew would be fine; it was the forever that came after it was the part that worried
me. I needed a drink.
“Man, seriously…any time you wanna back outta this, you know im here if you
need a distraction right?”
“I know man I know…” the bartender came into view. “A JD & coke on the rocks…
Trace what you want….”
“Buds fine.”
“And a Budweiser bottled”
“And a strawberry daiquiri….” A voice interrupted. “A-“ I looked the way of the voice.
“Harri…hey girl!!!” Trace jumped up to hug her.
“Hey yourself boy…whats with the hat? It looks like a reject from vanilla ice’s tour
baby…lose it!” she reached for his cap…
“What time did you get in?” I asked her as she took her seat at the quiet hotel bar
between the two of us looking amazing in a tight intense emerald dress...
“Few hours ago…you?”
“Just now…”
“And this is the first place you go! You Alco’s you…” I just rolled my eyes and handed her, her drink.
“So where is the blushing botox’d bride?”
“HA! Good girl!! GOOD!” Trace cackled. “Man ive missed you. You’re a hoot! Id
forgotten that!”
“Shame on you!” She took another sip… I looked her up and down and before you
start with the “judging” you couldn’t NOT stare by the way she was looking!
“Dude, chill! Im happy for you.” She rolled her eyes, “I will eventually…”get used”
to you and Barbie.…”
“I don’t like her…I just wanna make that clear!” Trace pipped up.
“Really? Why?” she smirked.
“She’s a weird chick….she…irks me and I don’t know what it is…she's scary man…”
he shook his head, from the conversation we’d had a million and one times since
id met her.
“Well I think…you know what it doesn’t matter what I think…im not the one
marrying the whore…oops did I just say that?” she grinned at me intentionally.
“Back off sista…” I mocked her accent. “This aint shit to y’all!” I swigged my
whiskey, loving it cold.
“Aw come on relax Justin, your marrying her….you should be delighted you get to
wake up beside botox Barbie every morning for the REST of your life!”
“You hate her don’t you?” I asked her.
“No…”
“Harri…”
“Well…maybe I don’t maybe I do? but I don’t….really know her…all I know is that
she likes you… the attention she gets with you, that your getting her more
exposure than she's ever had in her fleeting “career” ” she finger quoted “and I
need you to know…dude Libby HATES her…she called her bad lady the other day…
now that from a year and half year old…it saying something!” she cackled as did trace.
“Smart kid….”
“Look cant yall at least PRETEND to be supportive? I mean come on this is the
biggest thing am gonna do in my life…I need my friends here…”
“We are man, but the definition of friends is that they tell you the truth even when
you don’t WANT to hear it…” Trace pipped up and Harri just nodded….though I
think she was drunk.
“Dude, im just messing with you…all I can say is that Ill be there, with our baby…
when ever you need us…” she hugged me at that…Oh yeah she was pissed.
“Girl? Are you…drunk?” she smiled weakly sipping her drink.
“Yes, I think so! HA!”
“How long have you been here?” I asked eyeing her again.
“An hour and a half…why?”
“Where’s under-“I corrected myself…Last time I called him underwear 5000 she
slapped me – hard! “Where’s Adam?”
She rolled her eyes, “uhh he's been in “talks” with his agent for like…ever…some
new contract that's come up…I don’t know I just bored waiting…decided to make
fun for my self….that and I heard from a group of ladies in the bathroom that
you’d arrived….and apparently you looked hot…” she cackled at me.
“Do y’all travel in packs?”
“Some of us…not on this occasion though, I think it was a bachelor-ette party…so
don’t linger around that” she pointed down “section…I had to blag my way in here”
I knew she meant the VIP area.
“Oh yeah how did you get in?”
She smiled. “Promised the bouncer an interview with JIVE…”
“What?”
“I know, Toootally made it up, but he was convinced I was a “big wig”….”
“Convinced how?”
“I maybe kinda TOLD him I was a VP of the company…” she cackled “and that we
had a meeting thats how I knew you’d be here…”
My god…she was too cool.
“And he believed you?” trace added again, taking time from chatting up some
attractive blonde.
“Yup…let’s put it this way, my performing skills are another talent Im MUCH better
at that Carmen…” okay maybe I was being a pervert but I took that in a totally
different context…or did I…with the look she threw my way afterwards I wasn’t
completely sure.
No! I swore I wasn’t doing this; I wasn’t going down that road with her again,
regardless of how hot/sexy/amazing she looked. No, it only led to heart ache. And
of all the things in my life that I wasn’t sure off. Getting my heart stomped on
again was the one thing I knew I didn’t want!
“So this Adam and you honey…” Trace began “are y’all set for your own wedding
then.” I rolled my eyes at that mention,
“Aw well I don’t really know, we haven’t set a date or anything…I mean we’ve
been engaged for like five seconds” she stared at me – hinting I guess “I don’t
want to rush it now and realised six months down the line that it was a HUGE
mistake…you know?” she sipped her drink again.
“Subtle…” I mumbled.
“Whats that Justin?”
“Nothing…Nothing at all…” the beats started up and the dance floor across the
room soon filled with a mixture of party people. All itching to get their groove on.
“I feel like dancing…” she announced, setting down her bag with Trace who was
deep in chat up conversation with the mystery blonde.
“Alone?” I questioned.
She just looked back, “Not if you join me?” she walked ahead and grooved to the
music as she blended with the rest of the dance floor.
As the beats to the new song took over the rest of the floor that was now covered
in people began to move simultaneously.
I moved with her as she moved against me, even looking at stunning as she was,
she moved even more gracefully.
“So is your woman EVER gonna show?”
“I don’t know? When I left she was yelling at one of the maids….”
“Charming…” she rolled her eyes “doesn’t she know not to yell at those ladies,
they’re only working the grind…like the rest of us…?”
“I know that, id never diss anyone just because they “served” we all serve in our
own fields…you know?”
“Tell her that or she’ll find some not so nice things mixed in her bathwater next
time…” she cackled.
Moving her ass against me, it bumped me off my train of thought for a second.
“Ill do my best.”
“You always do…” she moved away from me “just make sure to do whats best for
you this time okay?”
“What?”
“You know what? Don’t front…” she looked around, “I gotta go.”
“No wait…explain…”
“I don’t need too…” she just walked away. Leaving me hanging right there in the
middle of the dance floor.
I moved to rejoin trace at the bar, only to see him and Carmen in conversation.
“BABY! Where were you? Ive been sitting her waiting for you…”
“Like I waited on you…”
“What?”
“Nothing…will you excuse me for a second…I just gotta go check on something.”
“No…” she grabbed my arm “Ive just ordered some drinks and my friends are
arriving in a few minutes…I want you to be here when we tell them!”
“Cant you just do it?”
“No, don’t be stupid…God Trace where did you get him.”
“Same place we got you…stupid Ville.”
“funny.” She didn’t laugh though, maybe because it may have been true?
“Look ill just be a second…” I made to move away again but she locked on to me
with a death grip.
“OOOH they’re HEEERE!!!!”
And the holler screaming and “Omygod’s” commenced.
**********
When I hit the elevators I immediately cussed myself out for being so stupid, I
was getting involved again.
I swore I wasn’t going to do that. I didn’t need too. On the outside we were settled
in our own respective lives. We were fine right? He had her, I had Adam…we
evolved and moved on, we were happy…
But then you scratch the surface and you fine me, miserable at the thought of them married, angry with him…even though I had no right or reason to be mad,
angry with myself most of all, I was trifling in business that wasn’t my own, that I
had no right to be messing with.
He was getting married, I was meant to be doing the same in a few months or with
in the year…soon.
He’d marry her, id marry Adam that would be it….end of story
Right?
“Adam are you in?” I walked in to the suite to find him still, on the damn
phone. “Jesus, what are they doing negotiating the peace treaty with underwear?”
He then said something to the other end of the line and then hung up.
“Why you always gotta do that?”
“Do what?”
“Make jokes…abut my job, every time!”
“That’s all it was…A joke…dude chill.”
“Yeah that's all I am to you aren’t I…A joke right.”
“No…what the hell is wrong with you…what did they want?” I asked taking my bag
into the bathroom to re-adjust my lipstick.
“They want me to fly back to New York”
“What?”
“Yeah as soon as possible…tonight actually if possible?.” He folded his arms and
leaned against the door frame.
“Why?”
“To be honest they want me to move a contract…apparently Hugo boss wants me
for one of their campaigns…but my contract isn’t up for Klein yet…so I need to be
there”
“Cant it wait a few days, I mean the weddings tomorrow, I thought we’d hang out…party a little…we haven’t had a chance to do that in a few months.”
“I know…and I want too but this is really important you know, and besides you
have Justin so you don’t really need me.”
He walked into the bedroom again, I followed “what are you talking about?”
“THIS!! This Harri….this whole fucked up situation! I mean come on who does this!”
“Does what?”
“Shows up, willingly for their ex’s wedding, parties with them…what the hell is
that….”
“It’s…”
“And DON’T tell me it’s for the sake of Libby okay? Just don’t because its not…I see you and him together okay, when you think no ones around…the secret glances,
the whispering, the whole thing…and that is NOT about the baby”
“SO? Im close with him SO WHAT? Ive know him for a long time Adam, a very
long time…he's a friend I thought you knew that.”
“Is that why you slept with him that night.” His words shocked me, so much I
couldn’t move.
“What?”
“That night, when Libby took sick…the night you and I planned…the night you slept
with him again, was that in the honour of FRIENDSHIP?”
I felt the sting of tears in my eyes, I tried to stop them but I just couldn’t…
“How did you –“
“Does it matter?”
“Well it DOES to me…if you knew why didn’t you say anything…all this time why?”
“there wasn’t any point, I knew about it…I was hurt sure I felt like shit for
weeks….but I loved you….i was willing to over look it, I figured it was just a thing
you needed to do…maybe get him out of your system…but now, well its pretty damn clear that that hasn’t happened…”
“How did you find out?”
he just laughed “I went drinking with my friends one night I ran into his buddy
Trace, he was pretty off his face…he told me…he doesn’t remember doin’ it of
course…but yeah he told me flat out that you two had hooked up again, and that
he didn’t know what y’all were doin’.”
I couldn’t speak, I just sat down. “I just need to know something before I go harri…
was there ever a time, that you were IN love with me? Genuinely…ever?”
“I do love you…you’re a wonderful man, you’ve been so good to me…” I
sobbed “really I don’t…deserve you, I know that…”
“Answer my question.”
“I love you, but the kinds of love…your looking for I have to tell you…I don’t think
you’ll find it in me….straight out? No…im not IN love with you.”
He simply nodded once. “So then why lie? Why agree to marry me, why do all
this.”
“Easy…I wanted more than anything to feel for you…what…”
“What you feel for him…am I right?”
I just nodded once.
“I see…well…All I can say is that im sorry things went down like this because” he
sat next to me “I would have loved you…for a long time Shaharra Green, lets hope
he does…” he got up.
“Wait where are you going?”
“Im going to say goodbye to the baby and your mom, ill send for my things when I
check in…”
“In where?”
“Hotel by the airport…Ill be catching the first plane in the morning…Ill have all my
things gone by the time you get back….” He looked so dejected.
“Adam…”
“Yeah?”
“I am sorry….I would have loved to love you too…truly.”
He just nodded, and closed the door. I guess that was it, it was over…no yelling,
no screaming…just closure.
Well….One down one to go….
I was tired just thinking about it…
What do you want?????
The whole night I had to listen to her and her friends high-pitched hollering. At the least little thing, they got all excited. Of course all I kept hearing was Sahara’s words to me, to do the right thing for me, how exactly? I mean she was one to talk, she was marrying a dude I KNEW she didn’t truly love, and he wasn’t for her. Anyone who seen them together knew that, it was as clear as day. Sure they looked the part on the outside, but I knew it wasnt the real thing on the inside....
Some could say that about Carmen and me.
“Are you listening?”
“Im sorry what?”
“J…” she whined “we’re talking about our last night of freedom” she
laughed I didn’t “what are you all planning?”
“Um, I don’t really know, I guess you’ll have to ask Trace…he's the
one with all the plans!”
“Right, right well all I can say is there better be NO strippers…dirty
whores…Na ah.”
She did that thing with her hand, snapping, like she
thought she was ghetto or something. If Harri had seen her, no doubt
she would have “snapped” her neck for pulling something like that.
Mannerisms like that just don’t work on white people, its right up there
with 2 step-in’ weaves and girls calling each other “girlfriend” it just
DON’T work on white people. Period. Take note Kevin federline…that
dude is a walking joke…painful.
“Carm would you excuse me…ladies…” I nodded to them and made my way out of
the VIP corner
“Why where are you goin?
“I…uh I just gotta go check on the baby before she's put to bed….Ill
be right back.”
“Don’t be long.”
“I won’t be…”
It wasn’t a lie, it really wasn’t, and I knew she was in her mom’s room…
her mom being Harri.
So who was I to point that out?
I walked silently to her door; knocked lightly in case the baby was
asleep I just didn’t want to wake her.
“Hey…what are you doin here?” she opened the door after a few
seconds.
“I wanted to see Libby, is she asleep…”
She glanced to the room, “um no…but I am really tired, so if you
wouldn’t mind NOT getting her all keyed up Id appreciate it.” She did
look tired, her eyes were all puffy…her hair was down…she was in her
sweats…
An hour ago she was the epitome of glamour, now she just looked
depressed.
“Are you…Ok? You look…”
“What? Bad, good?”
“Sad…” I added, looking in the crib, provided by the hotel. I saw lil
Libby just laying dosing off. I didn’t say anything I just brushed my
finger across her hand. I loved seeing her sleep. She always just
seemed cuter if that was possible.
“No am fine…thanks again for the suite. Its off the chain…the bowling
alley alone is IN-sane.”
“Aw no problem, glad you’re enjoying it….Im sure Adam will love it too…
has he been on it yet.”
She just walked out of the room and into the sitting area, damn what I
say?
“Shaharra, you aren’t ok are you?”
“No, am really not…but look this isn’t the time, I don’t wanna talk
about it…you should go mingle with Carmen…” She tried to fake a
smile, but I saw her eyes, that was no smile.
I sat down in front of her, “Naw, she and her pack of coyotes can wait…
whats up.”
She hugged her knees, flipped her hair and rubbed her nose. Classic
stalling signs.
“Well?”
“WELL….” She mocked… “Adam found out that you and I slept
together that time…he confronted me on it…and well to make it short.
We broke up.”
“You. He…wow…”
“My thoughts exactly….” She smiled tightly.“I just…I mean I knew it
was wrong lying to him…it was but I mean with what we did…it didn’t…”
she wasn’t making ANY sense can I just say that here. “ I mean id
never lied to anyone like that at all…it took so much work to lie!! I
don’t ever wanna do that again!!”
I was still lying to Carmen, at that moment I saw what would happen if
I told her…
“what happened with us, I mean it didn’t mean anything right…I mean
you, said so…” I added she never did give a good enough answer for
that.
“I beginning to wonder…” she sniffled.
“what?”
“I mean maybe it was a subconscious effort on my part to fuck this all
up…I mean I know you and I…we’re not there you know….”
“There were?”
“there, at that place…in love you know, we’ve moved on right…hell your
getting married for Gods sakes…that means you have total and
complete faith in her and your love for her don’t you Justin…”
“I…”
“Because if you don’t you know what will happen don’t you….”
“No” she was scaring me, she was like a woman processed she
needed me to know this is knew that in her eyes.
“It will all get incredibly fucked up!! You lie, then she lies, then you all
are just living this insane lie that you know will just build and build and
then one day, like today it will just blow up in your face and you'll be
left alone and sad crying into your drink in a cool hotel room in Vegas,
that's what will happen!!” by the end of her sentence she was full on
crying. So I did the only thing I knew to do for all women that cried. I
comforted her.
“Its okay” I hugged her, not knowing anything else to do or say at
that point. I mean I hated the guy…I should have been happy this
happened…but I wasn’t. She was sad and in pain…this wasn’t the time
to be happy.
“No its not Justin I am such a class A screw up…I am…I mean I mess
everything up that I touch…you and me for example I made a
complete ass wipe try at that didn’t I…I loved you so much!! but just
because one aspect of your life made me miserable I dumped you…I
mean what was that about.”
“Well I would say you dumped me…” I tried to reason, hell no I was
the one that broke up with her…wasn’t I ….
“No I DUMPED you, and for what? The fact that your career made me
crazy…hell I loved you, and I still do! Only NOW I aint got you and I
still have to deal with the damn paparazzi…justice that's what it is, Im
getting what I deserve for being so selfish.”
“Harri you're NOT selfish okay now stop talkin nonsense….” I didn’t
bring up all the other stuff she said about us, mainly because I just
didn’t know what to say.
“well if am not selfish I definitely am stupid…look Justin I hope
Carmen makes you happy…but I cant be here alone…I mean I was ok
with the idea of seeing you and her be together when I had someone
too….Now I just don’t and the idea of watching her ALL over you in
front of me, its just too weird.” she wiped her tears with an awkward
smile.
“What are you sayin…you gonna leave?”
She took a breath, and smiled through her tears “yeah, I have too
baby…” she hugged me back, a longer hug that I was
expecting. “Because ive lost one man this weekend. I don’t wanna
watch the other one get lost too…ill go back to New York, Liberty can
stay her with you and the nanny…you'll be fine.”
“No…harri come on I need you…I don’t think I can do this…” wow it
felt weird finally saying it out loud. There was a pause, one of her
classic "dramatic pause's" they scared me sometimes.
“What…dude are you drunk…your getting married in a day…how are
you NOT sure about this?”
I got up and started pacing the large room. “I don’t know, lately I
just…if I tell you something you promise not to get mad and throw
things?”
“Boy, when you say things like that it makes me nervous…”
“Promise me!”
“Fine, I prrr-omise you now get on with it…”
“I kinda maybe sorta only proposed to Carmen…to maybe sorta make
you jealous…and then when she said yes, which I NEVER thought she
would it just sorta snowballed outta control and I…” she was staring at me like I was mad or something, her mouth agape “and I…”
“Justin Randall Timberlake are you fucking insane…where you dropped
at birth, deprived of oxygen…what in the hell possessed you to do that you idiot!” ok, she slapped me on the head and with that big ass ring,
it fucking hurt.
“AH, shit don’t do that, you might…”
“What brain damage you, hell how would we know the difference!!”
“Woman don’t do this…”
“do what j…you just told me youre also lying to her about not only us
doin it, but that you wanna marry the woman, now I think you taken it
a step too far man!”
“Oh yeah and what about you huh? You did just that, you lied to
Adam; you AGREED to marry the shumuck how is what am doing any
different…”
“I didn’t do all a that to make you jealous!”
“Really…”
“Yes really…my god…”
“so then what was all that “I love you still” stuff you were JUST talkin
about huh…” where was I going with this conversation, where I ask the
gods…
“I…”
“You what?”
“I do still love you, you idiot you know that…” she opened her mouth,
her eyes widened, it was like she just realised what she said.
“You do?”
“No…” she said in a weird funny voice, so quickly I almost didn’t hear
her.
“But you just said you loved me…you still love me!! OH my good god,
YOU STILL LOVE ME!!”
“Ok, okay fine…you don’t have to broadcast it for god sakes…it
doesn’t matter any way because…well it just doesn’t.”
“Doesn’t it…” trouble, oh yeah lots of it…
“No, because you’re…” yeah she didn’t have any where to go with it did
she.
“I what?” I moved to her.
“You’re with….”
I did it; I leaned in and circled her waist with my arms. Held her close
and I kissed her. The feel of her on me was a sensation that I
realised right then, that's what was absent from my life…her, just
simply her and nothing else. I missed her so much.
“Justin…” still I pretended not to hear her as I kissed her. Damnit id
waited forever for this kiss, why she have to ruin it with chatter.
“Shhh…”
“Na-ah we are NOT goin down that road again, no way, NOPE!” she
pushed me away.
“What the hell, that was some good kissing right there…why are you
stopping!!”
“Be-cause I will not be apart of this any more, this little game that we
play dude it has to end…it just has too…I wont be the other woman, not again. Ive seen what my lies have done Justin…the choices ive
made, they’ve affected the people I care for…don’t let this choice
affect any more…”
“What are –“
“Am sayin, if you love Carmen…and I think you want too…marry her,
commit to her…let me go.”
“You don’t want that…”
“No, but I need it. Tomorrow night…move on, for good…”
“Why do you keep doing that? You keep pushing me away then pulling me back in, the pushing me even harder away….is this like
some sort of game to you?”
“No! Of course not…Jesus no.”
“THEN WHAT, because we keep doing this, over and over and to be
honest it’s starting to get really old really quickly…”
“What do you want from me Justin…?”
“I want you to tell me the truth….that’s all ive ever wanted from you…”
She didn’t look at me then. “I think you need to leave now.”
I didn’t say anything after that; if she was willing to forget forever then
I guess I was too. I got up and walked out, walking into a life id
chosen. A life with Carmen, a life id need to adjust to, quickly.
When he left I wasn’t really sure what to do with myself. He was right,
was I playing with him…with his emotions? I didn’t know, I always knew
that I had a certain hold on his emotions, I knew that. When we were
together for all that time he was completely 100 percent up front with
me, about everything, I mean I couldn’t have asked for better.
Then again with the “upfront- ness” of our relationship the rows
began, we were always a little too honest.
When I wasn’t in the least bit happy I always told him up front and he
always told me, I always had a way though of making it personal,
always his fault. If the press were on me, it was HIS fault, if I got
papped it was HIS fault…you see where Im going with this.
I know we kept going round in circles, over and over since the day
Liberty was born we’ve been doing this dance of weirdness.
It was like we knew that we were supposed to be…something…we just
both – more so me…we weren’t sure on what that “something” was…
I mean I could sit here and lie to both you & him but in the end I
needed to be honest with only one person. And that was myself!
**********
Rejoining Carmen and her friends that night was something that I was
glad id done. I looked at her in a completely new light after my “talk”
with Harri. She and I weren't there, we just weren’t, hell maybe we
never were…maybe it was all in my head…maybe it was all just a false
hope for a past that I loved and needed more than anything.
In the past, with Harri…for almost three years, she and I were honest to a fault sometimes, but I knew id never be unfaithful to her and she trusted me like I trusted her…but I guess it takes more than love sometimes to make someone happy. With Carmen it seemed that my life suited her, the pap’s didn’t bother her because she was an actress and she was used to it, the fans she didn’t mind mainly because she was crazier that the most insane of them… sure I didn’t love her as much or in the way that perhaps I should have done….but the love that I did hold for her, my love and trust was in fact enough, more than enough…she wanted to marry me. She wanted to at the very least try and make me happy and what more could I ask of someone who asked nothing of me….
Even knowing all of this I still felt empty….
That’s not good right????
“j man are you ready? The cars leaving in five minutes…?” I heard
Trace bang on and yell through the door.
“Yes, ill be out in a sec…Ok?”
“Fine…just hurry up”
I stood over the sink in my private bathroom, having shaved so I still
had remains of stubble but not so much that I was clean cut, I was
sure id forgotten to do something.
“I can do this…I can…” I repeated as I exited to room to find my
mother standing with Libby in her arms.
“Hey there little one…aww look at you…” someone had dressed her in a tiny pink dress with white ribbons; her hair was pinned into two
pigtails. She looked so adorable.
“Justin are you sure about this, I mean really sure…” my mother
began. For the fifth time that morning. I sensed she REALLY didn’t
want me to do this.
“Ma, she's signed the pre-nup so don’t sweat it okay?”
“I don’t mean just about that, Justin this is a huge thing…if your not
ready no one will judge you for not leaving here today?”
“Ma…”
“No…im serious….”
“As am I…okay I love Carmen, she loves me she wants this…so do I…”
“You don’t seem so sure…” she always knew my game face. It was
hard hiding anything from her.
As Trace excused his self from the room, I sat on my hotel bed.
“Mom, do you believe in a one true love?”
She grinned at me as she sat next to me, “at your age I didn’t. After
all id been through with your father…I held little hope…”
“But?”
“I met Paul. A good genuine man that made me feel…alive…in the
beginning, it was…magical. And the fact that he loved you too, for me
made it a million times more special….he made me feel good, even
when we’d fight, I knew he’d still be there for me no matter what…”
“What about now? After all these years, is it different?” she closed her
eyes for a second then looked me in mine.
“its never easy…its not meant to be easy, but I think that if any
relationship that was worth fighting for, was worth fighting IN its always
in the end result you find out who you are, and more importantly what
you want, its part of the process, one that if you do it right, your with
your best friend for the rest of your life…and as said best friend they
know everything – the good…and especially the bad. Its part of life, a
good part. Why? Do you believe Carmen is that person for you?”
I just laughed; she knew our relationship didn’t run as deep as that.
“I see…” she slapped my hand again, “Look what I said still stands
true Justin…if your not sure she's…the one we’re talking about here
like I suspect she's not, then you just say the word and its not
happening.”
See this is what mothers were for, bailing out their off spring when
they royally fuck up.
“What you think of her, really I mean.”
She rolled her eyes, and then forced a smile. “If your happy im happy
you know that.” LIE.
“Ma….”
“Ok….she’s a nice woman…she just a little, shallow.”
I laughed “yeah because im SO deep.”
“No baby, it’s like she's out for herself, her career her profile…her life.
Yours just seems to fit at her convenience….she’s nice but I don’t
think she's very honest, with you or even herself sometimes. If you
want to marry someone seriously holding the “to death do us part” bit,
then NO, I don’t think she's the one. I – as your mother and the
woman who gave you life”
Here’s the guilt trip
“I would just like you with someone more on the same page as you,
your family – little Liberty is your main concern, you need someone
with the same views on children…you need someone who knows your
personality – that you’re a little temperamental shall we say”
“Hey now I aint that BAD!” she nudged me smiling
“I know that, I know what way to take you….some people just don’t,
they don’t see past the fake smiles and waves; you need someone
who sees you – for the person, not the name.”
See people, wisdom at its best.
With that there was a knock on the door, “Ah that's Trace, ill go get
finished baby…call me if you need Me.” with that she left her red
lipstick mark on my cheek with a kiss.
Only when she opened the door, it wasn’t Trace….it was Harri.
I thought she wasn’t coming…
I had to admit if she was trying to grab my attention, she certainly
succeeded, she was dressed in a tight red, almost silk looking knee
length number that hugged in all the right places and exposed at
others, her hair was up in a long ass pony tail and she had dark eyes
and pale lips to top off the look that could only be summed up as
HOT.
“Im sorry I didn’t call, but I figured you be gone already.”
“Naw, running late as usual wh- what are you doin here, I figured after
last night that you been…well outta here.” I walked into the room to
find my tie.
“No…I…couldn’t leave.” She followed me, clasping her hands together -
she was nervous.
“Couldn’t?”
“Yeah…Justin…” I continued to move around the massive suite. “Look
could you STOP moving for one second.”
She seemed flustered, good for her…
“Nope, im late like I said….i have to get ready.”
“Your not gonna make this easy on me are you?” she laughed
nervously.
“Nope.” I passed her again with my tie in my hand, “why should I…”
“Look this isn’t easy for me you know, it took a lot of guts to knock on
this door you know…”
“Well I know you remember, you’re nothing if not gutsy, so don’t
complain over Nothin’…what do you want Harri”
“You…” she whispered softly looking up at me with those big doe eyes,
oh this meant trouble... "Just you"
*********************************************************
****************
Had she just said what I thought she said...No...wait...did she?
“Huh?”
She grunted, obviously frustrated. “Jesus your gonna make me say it
aint you….Damnit.”
“Girl please, you realise I can’t read you crazy ass mind, say whats on
it please…” I looked in the mirror to try and fix my “man” tie – i.e. not
a clip on. That shit was hard.
She stood behind me, hands on those glorious hips of hers. “Justin
you're annoying, oboxious, insane and self involved to a fault, you
never shut up and when you do its only to piss people off, you're also a self rightous son of a bitch...." I looked at her again through the
mirror - all this to insult me???? Then she smiled "But I love you, not
only that but I am so in love with you that its taken me almost two
years to admit it, I never stopped loving you, not even when I willed
myself NOT too…I just couldn’t stop it, I loved you from the moment
we met in that elevator….and I haven’t stopped since.” She looked down at her feet, still a tick she had when she got nervous, I was flabbergasted. I mean what did I say to that, I was getting married in ten minutes.
She continued “and I know that my timing as per usual SUCKS like
hell on a stick but I figured that if there ever was a time to leave
denial land….right now would be it….”
She seemed so nervous, and almost as if she wanted to be sick….this
was so hard for her.
“Why didn’t you say something last night….yesterday…two years ago…”
it was a reasonable question was it not?
Again her stare seemed in on her feet.
“Because im me Justin that's why. When I left you then, I wanted a
fresh start…but the gods wouldn’t allow that – they gave us Libby and that cemented us…as something so undefined that it was like
something from a painting by one of those insane artists at the
MET….but there we were…parents…but I still wanted a life away from
yours….i wanted my freedom…”
“But?”
she took a deep breath, “but…you were always there, not only with the
baby but always just in the back of my mind…the what if’s, the killer
what if’s….Im tired of asking what if…I want it to be a what now…”
“Look at me….” I asked as I faced her but she didn’t return the
gesture. “Shaharra, please look at me.
“I can’t…”
“Well your gonna have too otherwise ill not know what you’re thinking….”
“Easy…” she smiled finally looking at me “Im an idiot…your getting
married, what was I thinking….” I knew this phase for her, she was in
panic mode. “I should just go…Justin Im sorry for doing this, im just a
stupid woman…”
As she turned to flee, I grabbed her arm.
“Wait a second, your metal you know that…right?”
“Yeah I know…lets hope Libby takes after our mothers….”
“Did you mean what you just said? All of that…was it for real, or just to
stop me from marrying Carmen…”
“I don’t…yes…” she held her head up “it was for real…I meant every
cheesy line of my weird speech-like ramble….”
“What now?” I asked still not letting go of her arm.
She shrugged, “I really hadn’t thought any further than knocking on
the door…so your guess is as good as mine baby.”
I saw something in her eyes that I hadn’t seen in SUCH a long time, I
saw love.
Thoughts were speeding through my head at a million miles a minute,
what did I do what did I say…where did we all go from here.
“I….” I tried to say something but nothing but word vomits decided to
co- operate. “Last night, Harri I let you go, finally I just let go….and ill be honest, it felt good to have some answers….in my own mind of
what I wanted in my own life, you know? I felt lighter for the first time
in almost three years, and I realised that I want more in my life that
constant questioning and confusion. I want some peace of mind…
some form of settled happiness to come home too. I mean is that so
much to ask….”
“No, it isn’t…” was all she said.
My beeper went off, which meant one thing, my car was here…
“Look…I…have something to do….ill be right back okay?”
“Wh- wait where are you goin!!!!!”
“Two sec's, wait here, I swear we’ll do this…we’ll talk when I get back.” I
He was running practically out the door.
“Justin you ass I just bared my soul to you and your LEAVING what the
fuck is that…”
“Two seconds…” I ran leaving her with just as many questions as I held myself…
Holy shit, what NOW….
The truth was that when I left that room I didn’t know what I was going to do, but my mom and Trace and Paul were already gone. So in order to catch up with them I needed to go to the church. I was late as it was when I go there, I knew she’d already be there and waiting more than likely yelling at some poor staff member.
No one was in the waiting room in the back of the church, no one. I heard music so I opened these door – and wouldn’t you know it…that was were everyone (including the guests) were seated. All staring at me. Suddenly music started and Trace was waving at me to hurry up….so I did. I got to the “alter” and I wanted to talk to him…but then again that was mightily difficult when “here comes the bride” was blaring…wait…NOW?
“Trace I need to talk to you for a sec…” he looked past me
“It’s gonna have to wait J she's headed your way and she look
annoyed….hot but annoyed.”
“No…wait I can’t do-“
The priest began talking over me. Damnit!
“Dearly beloved we are gathered here today to witness the union of
two souls in holy matrimony…”
As he spoke Carmen gazed lovingly into my eyes, and I really knew it
was time to get out of there….
I nodded to my mom but she was too busy crying to do anything
about anything, then as I looked back at Trace and tried to give him the “eye” to get me out of there he just laughed…little shit.
“With this union, Carmen and Justin go ahead into a life that they
themselves will create each day with their love”
See this priest man, he's really putting the pressure on aint he?
He asked Carmen to speak…she did and she cried….she placed the
ring on my finger, and as I tried to speak up I just couldn’t, the ring was on…she'd said her VOWS? Ok no this wasn’t right this wasn’t
happening it was moving FAR to fast….
Everyone turned to me, wait did that mean it was MY turn….
“Justin to take Carmen to be you’re lawfully wedded wife, to have and
to hold until death parts you?” he smiled at me; he knew I didn’t want
to do this….but I had to say something, shit what DO you say in
situations like this “No I don’t but maybe?” No there's one clear
answer and it’s….
“I- “
I paced the hotel room; I didn’t have anyone when he left. Lynn left
with Paul and Paul had Liberty so I couldn’t even rant to her, and the
nanny well she had food poisoning and had to go home….so I was all alone wearing in the carpet of his swish hotel suite, not as swish as the penthouse but still, it rocked considerably.
I mean he didn’t say were he was goin; it could have been anywhere
right? I mean he could have gone to the lobby, he could have gone to
security….or the thought that just wouldn’t leave me, he could have
went to get married….to her, now, even after id emptied my heart and
soul to him.
I mean was I crazy to do that, it was stupid wasn’t it… you all know
that I love him but you know that love just isn’t as easy as all of the
hearts and roses and lovey dovey eyes….it takes effort. It takes
patience and more importantly it takes more than ONE person…where the hell was he.
I was mad, and more to the point I was hungry. I couldn’t eat or sleep
the night before, even though I was so tired….i was too nervous really,
I needed to tell him SOMETHING, what that something was I didn’t
know until id gotten to the door and saw him there in his suit –
somehow it made it all more real.
Id been avoiding for months, years almost at this point. I wanted
nothing more than to be his….whatever we were, but what ever IT was
I knew I needed to be it…wait does that make ANY sense?
No, didn’t think so.
I seldom make that much sense and when I do it’s my own version of normal folks “sense” you know? Well let’s just put it this way, I ramble….a lot….time to stop that I think…
Id waited over an hour and a half until I got s bored that I ordered a shit load of stuff from his mini bar and room service. If he was keep me waiting he was gonna pay for it – literally.
****
“What the hell are you talking about…we don’t need to talk Justin, we NEED to get married…” she smiled through gritted teeth whispering to me at the alter after I halted proceedings.
“No, we don’t, and I need to talk to you alone Carmen or do you want
me doing this in front of all your friends?”
She nodded no, so we stepped aside, the looks on everyone’s faces
was one of “what the fuck?” can’t say I blame them.
“What is it Justin, seriously couldn’t it have waited until after your vows….”
“No, see that's the thing….i won’t be taking any vows today….”
She squinted at me, like she didn’t understand, so I continued.
“Carm, im sorry but I really just can’t get married right now. I mean
you’re a great woman and I….”
“What do you mean NO, and CAN’T…Justin you’re the one that
purposed this to me….you wanted this!”
“I know, but look I wasn’t thinking clearly you had to have known that,
I mean I proposal consisted of me on both my knees, ‘cause I
couldn’t stand I was so drunk asking you “ehh whats ya thinking,
yeah???” I mean does that sound like I proposal you want to
remember forever….does it…” I asked softly. I learned from the
beginning with both those woman, force with achieve nothing you must
tread lightly or like in a mine field you might just get blown to pieces
with one swoop.
“No it doesn’t, but I still thought you meant it…I thought you wanted to marry me…”
“I did, I meant it at the time, its just now…well its not right for me,
and im sorry for that, I should have known sooner….like last week
when I purposed…” I realised just how fast it had gone.
“yeah you should have….what am I gonna tell ALL my friends out
there now, I mean they expect to see us married, and some of them I only invited to stick it in their faces that I was getting married before
them…now, they’ll all laugh at me….”
I didn’t want that, it was my fault that things go the way they were.
“Tell them im sick…”
“What?”
“Yeah, tell them im feeling weird and when we get out there ill…faint or
something so it looks real…” it was the only thing I could think off at
the time, and I need to end US on a good note.
“You’d do that??? For me?” she smiled almost.
“Sure…why not…”
“Justin….” She stalled me, grasping for my arm. “Have you told her
then?”
“Told her who what?” she rolled her eyes at me, as if this “her” was
obvious. “Have you told Harri that you want her back…?”
Wait what???
“I um…I don’t know”
“Don’t ok…for almost two years we’ve been doin this dude…its okay. I
know you loved her, still do too…see that's what I hated, it was never
her, or you or you and her or even the baby…its just….that maybe I
knew…”
I looked at her, she seemed so so very sad then. “Maybe I knew all
along that this…that I just wasn’t the one for you, she is….”
“I am sorry, I wanted it to work…really I did.”
“Yeah” she sighed “me too.”
*****
I was exhausted, I was sluggish but I needed to do this. After
id “fainted” in order to get out of the wedding with her dignity still
intact I made a dash for the hotel, my room and my bedroom. Only
thing I found was a shit load of tiny little empty miniature bottle and
$30 peanuts scattered around the room. And a little note,
“Guess I knew your answer all along….” That's it…she wasn’t there, I
rang the front desk to ring her room but they said she’d checked out
an hour before.
The poor check in girl “what in the hell do you mean she checked out,
no she was here a few hours ago…”
“Im sorry sir but I just clocked on, all it says on that room is that the
check out was at 9:15.” It had taken me almost three hours with Carmen and everyone, by the time I got back to the room it was
almost 10:40
“Was there a car for pick up?”
“Umm…it doesn’t say, but then again that doesn’t rule out cabs sir. I
am sorry.”
“No your not, its your job to say that….” then I hung up….felt bad – I
was acting so much like Carmen it wasn’t even funny. So I called her
back whoever she was and I apologised.
And since I did that she put me on to the girl that manned the desk
at that time. See what happens when you’re nice? Lots of things that
wouldn’t had I kept being an asshole that's what.
“Sir Yes the limo from the hotel did have a pick up at that time, an Ms
S. Green….from the penthouse”
“Could you tell me where she went…?” Then the new girl came on the
line,
“Its policy not to do that sir ive already told you more than I should
have….” She sounded tired, which meant one thing if she was only
coming to work. She was a mom.
“Look that lady is my daughter’s mother and my baby…” I was going
to hell for this “is sick and she has her meds…I need them ASAP….so
really if you could tell me, you'd be such a help….”
I heard her almost object, then she said it “the car took her to the
airport, departures I believe.”
“Thank you!”
I slammed down the call, and yelled to Trace to keep an eye on Libby,
which he was – they were entranced by sponge bob.
What the hell was she doing leaving Vegas with out Libby? And i knew
she was drunk…she had NO tolerance for drink what so ever – well she
was only a tiny thing, where did it all go? But what I wanted to know is why she was leaving, I mean she'd said all that amazing stuff to me,
but I could reciprocate without ending it with Carmen first, I owed them
both that if nothing else – a fresh start on both fronts.
Only she didn’t wait, she just up and left.
I got to the gate, and I got to the desk. As I looked up “new York
flight 3454 now departing….” Shit.
“Um hi…” I approached the lady in the navy uniform.
“Hello sir…”
“One ticket to New York please…”
“Sir?” ok didn’t she here me.
“Yeah?”
“That flights already leaving the gate…”
“No, its not look it says departing now, which I know means ive got at
least ten minutes, look please its really important that I be on that
flight…”
“Im sorry but all seats are full…” another lie, they're never fully full.
“First class then….” Maybe I should have said that first.
“Ill see...” she clicked and clicked until I wanted to just scoot her out
of the way.
“Ms?”
“One seat to new York…$1200.”
“What?”
“Last minute fairs double sir.” Bitch she hated me, and I didn’t have
time to flirt. So I threw her my visa.
She threw me the ticket as well as her false smile and I hot footed it
to the gate, even though it took FOR-ever to get through the damn
metal detectors.
When I reached the gate I saw her, carry on and drag behind bags in tow.
“HARRI!!!!!” I yelled over the Que. She looked over in shock almost.
“Excuse me sorry, hi excuse me…” I pushed at several old ladies…till I
got behind her. “Hi…”
“HI? That's it…you leave me hanging for HOURS with out so much as a
damn phone call? Whats up with that….”
“Ill explain but you have to come with me….” I noticed people looking
at me weirdly, its like yeah I sing, cant I fly on planes with normal
people any more? Noooo….
“Save it, I don’t need to hear this now…”
I yanked her out of the line up.
“Dude get your hands off of me!!”
“Im sorry okay but you can’t leave, I need to explain where I went…
what ive been doing…look ive been with Carmen…and”
“And nothing that's all I needed to know, okay so if you don’t mind….”
She went to walk again but I stood in front of her.
“Harri im serious…we need to talk…”
“No, I need to leave you need to…shave…” she slapped me
gently. “see ya….let your mom drop off Libby, we have tickets to a
show next week.”
“HAR, don’t.” again I grabbed her but this time she shouted at the top
of her lungs
“YOU’VE GOT A BALLOON FULL OF WHAT IN YOU ASS???? OH MY
GOD…..” She yanked her arm away, just as the two burly security
guards came into view.
“Sir…”
“What?” I snapped, not knowing they’d heard her.
“We’re going to have to ask you to come with us…”
“What? No I need to get on that plane im sorry.” Harri just walked
ahead to the woman, handed in her ticket and got on the terminal.
I on the other hand was “escorted” to a tiny Gray room in the back of
the airport.
Then I saw the woman behind the desk, the same one with lipstick in
her teeth, “yes that's him, he was very anxious to be getting on that
plane, twitching. Sweating I guess we know now why….terrorist’s come
in all kinds don’t they….” With that the two guards came to me again. And let’s just say that they got closer to my ass than any other
person, ever… I felt so violated. Why did she have to say I had
something up my ass….remind me to whack her for this?
When I got on the plane I had a window seat, just near enough to
the widow to watch Justin being led through by the guards, it made me feel a little bad. I knew what they’d do to him….and after id stopped
laughing at it being so funny – I felt bad…
But then again he needed something to toughen him up, let him know
what it felt like to be violated for a change….
I mean why couldn’t he just SAY IT just say what he’d been saying for
two years, that he loved me…see when he was saying it I couldn’t hear
it, I didn’t want to. Now that I wanted too he wouldn’t, or
couldn’t….karma ladies and gentlemen, and it was here to bite me in
the ass…speaking of ass’s it is really funny about him…I mean think about it, him at not even 160lbs being “searched” over a table by big
burly black men with gloves…
Oh im going to hell….
After they got done with me in the airport I couldn’t walk – no really it
hurt so bad, I mean what they did…I will never speak of to anyone,
except for when im yelling at Shaharra for leaving me with them.
And I will never broach the subject of anal sex, ever again….
“Mom, I need to go….hurry up!”
“Im coming okay, god…whats your hurry…it’s not like we’re gonna get
there any faster. Besides why don’t you just call her, on this new
invention – the telephone?”
“Aren’t you funny today…ive got Libby! You go get the other kid –
Trace…please?”
She smiled handing me my baby who by now was noticing her mom
wasn’t around.
“Its okay we’ll be home soon and then all this madness with be
gone…” she reached for my face…laughing as she rubbed my stubble,
apparently it was real funny.
Another thing she took from her mom, she was constantly taking off my hats and making fun of my beard….women I swear.
What I was telling her was in a sense the truth, I would be taking her home soon, but weather or not things got sorted, well that was a whole other deal.
I loved harri, that's been pretty clear from the beginning right? But then I saw different sides to her while we were a non couple. One thing that put me off her being the airport incident.
She says she loves and wants to be with me, then she knew I was getting married – which yes would have been a massive mistake but regardless, did she only tell me what I wanted to hear in order to stop the wedding….i wanted to believe otherwise but I just didn’t have the faith in her to do that….not any more.
If she didn’t, and she truly meant those things then why would she leave?
Guess I was about to find out.
*************************************************************************
Do we gotta do this here???
Flying back to New York was, in a word – hell. Not only was I drunk but not too drunk so that I couldn’t hide it…but I had a massive case of “ohhhhmygodwhathaveidone” so in short I was feeling like crap.
The crap feeling made worse by the fact that I walked in on Adam boxing up his things.
Needless to say the exchanges were both brief and forgettable. He did ask me though why I was home, and more so why I was home alone.
What did I tell him? That id ended it with him, and then confessed my undying love for an idiot that just went off and got married to what can only be described as a low rent hooker.
No, I didn’t tell him that….i told him that I had to think things over,
that I needed time to – reflect.
He seemed to buy it, and it wasn’t like it was a total lie? I was pretty
messed up at that point. And I DID need to think. I needed to
reassess my whole life now. Outside of work and Libby I didn’t really
feel completed….it was just a side of myself that I ignored, and I tried
to define myself as one thing – Libby’s mom, great producer, Libby’s
mom….you see I didn’t have a whole lot of options now did I?
Having the appartment to myself was nice, it hadn’t happened in a
while and it was nice to just sit and hang out.
Of course being a girl I couldn’t just hang out ALONE, no I invited my
friends over for what was worryingly turning into a weekly therapy
session.
“See now I don’t know what to do?”
“Wait, why should you be the one to go off and DO something? He's
the one that's an ass, he's the one who left you mid – heart pour to
marry that TRAMP, you just move on….” Leesa spoke up first.
“I can’t just wait; I mean he's married…”
“He didn’t actually say he married her though did he?” Kali added, and
yeah she may have had a point.
“True?”
She continued, “I mean did you actually see a ring? Did he tell you
that he married her? Noooo. So until he does, you don’t really know
where to stand now do you? I mean you’re the one that confessed and
all….hes the one that has to make the next step though.”
“What if he doesn’t????”
Leesa butted in,
“then you forget him, as hard as it’ll be….you just have too….if he isn’t
man enough, if he doesn’t have the balls…then you have to forget
him – he just aint worth it.”
“but I love him, I wish I didn’t but I do…if I didn’t this would be SO
much more easy to do….i know that I need to leave if he has married
her, I mean the idea of watching them – be married, its just insane, I
mean its HER….hell NO! Not happening I mean she's a white trash,
bitch, I don’t need to bring up what happened the night Liberty was
born now do I. I mean why would he marry a woman that wanted him
to miss the birth of his child, I mean she's so-“
They were staring at the door behind me, but before I could turn
around I heard the voice.
“What makes you think I married her?”
Was all I heard before I faced him – and he looked so pissed off I
can’t EVEN tell you?
“How long have you been standing there?” was all I said as I got off
the couch to greet him
“Long enough to know your dumb….Woman why did you just
leave….and WHY did you have to call security???” he squinted. Poor
thing.
“I…you left me in that hotel room for HOURS, you didn’t say were you
where, I mean how was I supposed to know where the hell you went,
you could have married her and shot off on your damn honey moon,
in the time it took you…”
“I didn’t marry her dumbass…I….” he looked behind me and there
were Leesa and Kali transfixed on us both, not missing a word. “Do we
gotta do this here?” he asked me.
“UH YEAH” both girls spoke at once. I shrugged, knowing them too
well.
“If we go in the other room they’re only gonna listen at the door. So
we may as well.”
He rolled his eyes, “fine, look I went there to break up with her….and
believe me when I say it was a close call…but the point is, is that I
ended it because of all that you said….because what you said to
me….its been what ive wanted to hear” he coughed quietly as if he was
embarrassed by what he wanted to say “ ive wanted to hear that for the longest time Shaharra, you have to know that….but I did honestly
think that our time together was…well…over….we’d avoided and clashed
and avoided things, each other for such a long time, I mean its so
hard sometimes to even remember what the good times were like with
us….sometimes, but then all I have to do is look at Libby and I see all
of that in her….she’s our goodness and that makes me think about
what I need, what I needed then is different to what I need now, and I
see that it’s the same for you….finally I see that….”
“And now?” I uncrossed my arms.
“And now, well I think that I need to tell you something…” he came
closer.
“What….” I smiled, knowingly.
“Harri I love you, not only that but I am so in love with you that its
taken me almost two years to admit it, I never stopped loving you,
not even when I willed myself NOT too…I just couldn’t stop it, I loved
you from the moment we met in that elevator….and I haven’t stopped
since.”
I smiled widely as I he recited my ramble to me, he remembered it
all? This shocked me since id been talking a mile a minute at the
time of said ramble…..
“You do?” I leaned in closer, if it was possible – so much so that our
noses touched, and he kissed me.
It felt like my first kiss, only – you know less awkward, it felt as if id
been waiting for it forever….and in a way I had been.
Of course we both laughed when the two most cynical women on earth
uttered a collective “aww” as he took me in his arms….it was really,
really funny.
As we both stood, in a long over due embrace, both of our friends
make their exit, swiftly I might add. You would think that, thats were most stories would end now wouldnt you???
No, this one isnt like the rest, you know the best drama is the drama
that happens right after the inevitable dont you?
So... you wanna know what happened after the happily ever after bit?
Right…I would too. So here we go.
“So Ms green what now?” I asked her softly as I gazed into her perfect
eyes.
“Now? You mean now that we’re here, professing and admitting and all
that?” she smiled “shit if I know boy…I thought you'd be the one with
all the answers….”
I just looked at her, she knew I didn’t.
“Well how about we take it from here…and see where we end up.”
She thought about it, and grinned with all her white teeth showing, “as
long as it’s with you, ill take whatever road you want.”
She gave in; she gave up being a control freak…for that split second
at least.
And we did it, we embarked on a “real relationship – and all that
entails” it was her one condition.
We became a couple for the first time in almost three years, we were
US again.
And it felt amazing….
We both knew there were clearly issues to be dealt with in order to
ensure that each of us would be happy and willing to enter such a
commitment on the best of terms, I know its sounds so unromantic.
But it wasn’t in fact the very fact that we were this honest with each
other allowed us both to be…ourselves…truly for the first time.
It was something widely welcomed….
Im not going to sit here and tell you it was easy, it wouldn’t be real if
it was easy, if it was just love and roses all the time – where would the
fun be in that?
No, harri and I thrived on our enthusiasm, not only for each other but
to establish that one of us was usually wrong and the other very, very
right…Ill let you guess which one of us made the most
arguments….*hint it aint me*
When it came time for Liberty’s second birthday, a time of joy and
happiness but a time when we had made it there together, for four
months! And given that she could walk and talk extensively now, for
me that meant she could have her own little car…
It was a battery powered mini BMW and it was pink, I figured it was
perfect, sue me. you know that and most of the girls section at three
toy stores…. I wasnt spoiling her, I was just...making sure she had
everything every little girl would want, thats not SO bad right????
But anyway, back to my point – when it came time for her party. We
held it this time in our house, which we’d both bought together –
grown up huh?
So there we were, friends, family, and the whole nine.
“Be careful okay…Come on if she falls your gonna stop her crying this time” Harri pointed out, serving another drink to my mom.
“I will don’t worry, she's strapped in anyways, aint that right honey.”
“Ummm, ummm” her ladyship nodded with her light brown curls
bobbing with her.
“Well just make sure.” She turned to my mom and rolled her
eyes, “sometimes I wonder which one is the kid…” they both laughed.
I mean sure I could be immature sometimes but you know I meant
well. The little party went really well, and I managed to build some
bridges from the year before – apparently some of the moms still
remember my little “episode” from the year before…Sure id gotten
drunk but y’all know I had more issues back then than rolling stone.
Now, I was more chilled, relaxed – I was happy, and it showed. In
everything from my family life to my work. I embraced each new
project with a fresh feel and outlook, now I only did what I had to –
because I wanted too, not because my boss’s, boss’s boss was telling
me too. Libby and Shaharra were my priority and that's what mattered
to me, their happiness, if they were happy then I was too, I was with
them how could I not be….
“Hey you… exhausted yet?” I announced coming into the kitchen
seeing harri at the sink.
“Ugh this is the last year we do this, next year lets get catering or
something I can’t be doing this all the time, im zonked!”
“seems so, I told you we should have gotten people to handle this,
it’s too much, those kids could get high on water, cola aint the best
bet for em’ ”
“Its fruit juice, you know that…and our daughter is now taking more
fun out of the box her big ass car came in, than the actual car….kids
huh.”
I laughed, she did seem to like boxes…for some strange
reason….she’d always hide in them.
“Are you okay? You’ve seemed tired for a while now…”
“I know I think it’s just this bug…im finally getting rid of it but you
know, it’s lurking…hence the tiredness…Ill be fine in a few days…”
“You sure?”
“Im sure…” she smiled “Now that her birthday is out of the way, is
there anything special you’d like to do for your birthday….”
“Something along the lines of what we did for yours in October…that’d
be nice.” I considered leaning in against the sink to face her.
“Justin all we did was stay in, we didn’t do anything….” I remembered,
she was sick then too…all plugged up. But then she made me sick so
neither of us could do anything for almost a week.
“I know, I liked that…just us by ourselves…its sounds nice, after all the
madness of the last few months, some time alone is just what we
need.”
“And the baby?”
“My mom’s offered if we want or if you wanna ask your mom…” I
trailed off.
“Ummm, I don’t know I don’t like depending on them ALL the time,
it’s not fair on them.”
“Yeah I know, but they offer most of the time so in a way it’s their own
fault.”
“Justin…” the look was followed by the warning tone.
“Ok, okay fine…well if you wanna bring Libby maybe we should go
somewhere…whistler maybe…teach her to ski…”
“She’s two, dude…she can barely stand up right and walk, let along
ski…”
“We say the same about Trace but he manages…” I laughed; she did
too finally finishing loading the dish washer.
“Okay…if you want.”
“You don’t though do you…”
She bit her lip, “I liked the first idea, we can leave her with you mom if
you want…just head up state or something…just chill out for a while”
“Woman, I swear you don’t know how to make a decision do ya….you
don’t like it, then I come up with something else then you go back to
the first one….your lucky I love you.”
“Ooh IM the lucky one…watch it. Im a woman it’s my prerogative to
change my mind- “
“And drive me crazy in the process…” she slapped me on the head,
with that big ass ring again. Oh that reminds me…the ring….
****
The party went over without a glitch, thank god – no one got hurt, no
one threw up, and in Justin’s case no one got drunk.
We agreed with Lynn that she’d stay with Libby for that weekend, so
we could leave.
We hadn’t anything huge planned, just a trip to a nice cabin near the
lake…it was amazing this time of year, and it was out of the way – of
the media if you could find such a place.
And for at least a few days a year no one bothered us. Thankfully.
“You got everything?” he asked me one more time when we loaded
our things into the Mercedes.
“Yup, you?”
“All but the kitchen sink…mom you have our numbers and everything,
so if anything I mean ANY thing goes wrong…”
“Are you lecturing me? I raised you…give me some credit boy.” Harri
laughed at that. Ok so she had a point but it didn’t stop me worrying.
“Fine okay…bye then…bye Libby be good okay.” She didn’t seem to
notice us leave one way or the other, Barney was keeping her occupied.
"Bye daddy....Mommy..." She said as she didnt flinch from her
position in front of the tv. That was easy.
Once we got to the cabin that looked bigger than the last time, it was
all decked out. Ready and waiting – fire, stocked fridge, the whole
shebang.
“What are planning the end of the world in here…dude we only gonna
be here two days…I don’t think we need all this…” I noted inspecting
the rest of the house.
“What? I was just being thorough, and I NOTHING if not thorough you
know that.” I smirked at his assuming, and yes he was thorough, in
almost every aspect of his life. It was annoying sometimes, until I
realised I was the same.
He came up behind me, embracing me into a hold. “Now, what are we
gonna do here for two WHOLE days.”
“Well I am planning on killing you, ive a spot picked out back…” I
joked.
“Funny…seriously what are we gonna do…”
I just looked at him, and then I leaned in and kissed him…in a way
that he knew my intentions…
“How bout that…”
“THAT? Woman is that ALL I am to you…just your toy….” He feigned
insult. He was almost good at it.
“Yup, that's ALL you are to me, my toy…Now come on toy….I want to
play…”
“Did I mention I love you?” he smiled…
“No, but give me a minute and you will, you most definatly WILL.” I
smiled, leading the way to where I wanted to go.
@-----+-----
“You did this?” She sounded amused. Why I had NO idea.
“Sure, why do you sound so shocked? I am a good cook you know, or have you forgotten EVERYTHING about me…”
“No, no of course not…its just all I knew that you USED to be able to
cook were pop tarts, this…well it’s certainly an achievement, well done.”
“Well, sit…eat…enjoy.”
“I will thank you.” She smiled her 100 watt smile that contrasted
against her amazing mocha skin, I loved it. “So what is all this in aid
of, I mean we could have just gone to “sueño” like we usually do when
we came here…” She said as she ajusted her dressing gown, she had
threated to get dressed, but I kindly pointed out to her that there
wouldnt be much point in that, id have her naked again just as quickly.
“No, this” I poured her, her wine “is different, I mean we’re starting
fresh, I say we make this the tradition now instead of that restaurant…”
“Really? But I thought you loved it there, you said the Spanish pasta
was your dish remember???”
“Just try this and then say that again.” She took her fork to her lips,
the dressed pasta and the fresh herb sauce combined, “Oh you liar,
this is THE dish! You said you cooked!”
“aw come on, you know me, I cant cook for shit – and about the only
thing I can cook is the pop tarts, and most of the time I managed to
burn em too….this is my dish, I had them deliver….”
“Why?”
“Ehh, I just didn’t feel like going out tonight, maybe if you wanna we
could go somewhere in town tomorrow night? See then whats, what…”
“Ok, yeah maybe….God this is SO good, I can’t believe we haven’t
been here since…what? ‘03?”
“Yeah right before we broke up….of course I didn’t know that then….” I
looked away, almost afraid to bring it up.
“Ooh yeah that's right…well…”she sipped her wine “that’s all in the past
now right, bygones and all a that…”
“Yup it is…isn’t it?”
“Well I don’t know you’re the one that brought it up, you tell me!” see
I knew she’d get defensive on me, why do I do this to myself.
“I only brought it up because you did; I was only asking a question –
that's all….”
“Well, fine yeah things are…in the past…so lets just forget I brought it
up.”
For the next few minutes we both sat in silence, I had been the one to
ask, but I didn’t expect her to react like that….i mean we were happy
now. But I guess it was still just a real sore spot for her.
“Shit I fucked this up didn’t I?” I admitted.
“Fucked what up?”
“This, this thing…it was supposed to be just us all romantic and shit
and NOW ugh ive messed with the whats it…”
“Atmosphere?” she laughed putting down her fork.
“Yeah that's it…im sorry, I didn’t mean too…I need tonight to be
perfect and it was, until I opened my big-“
“Wait why did TO-night have to be perfect?” she questioned me with
the raised eye brow.
Damn…
“Oh, well you know our first get away as a couple again an all…” I lied.
“aw, well its not ruined cause we yelled, hell if THAT was the case
everything we do together would be royally fucked because all we do
IS yell…” she came over to my side of the smallish dinner table, and
slinked onto my knee.
“Now, see I think this is perfect….”
“Why?”
“Because I baited you and you didn’t notice AND you were the one to
apologise first….man I have you SO well trained…”
“Women I swear…”
“Cant live with them cant…won’t live without me…I know I know, no
need to tell me dude.”
“Dude?” I laughed at her skills of speech.
“ehh, ive been producing for PUNK’D I spent a lot of time with Mr
Demi…the dude and the shit and yelling all kinda rubs off after a
while…” she rested her head on my shoulder, still sitting comfortably
on my knee. Just listening to the sound of her breathing made me
calmer for some reason.
I knew it was the right time then, "Har?"
“Yeah?” still her head rested on my shoulder.
I reached for the little velvet box in my pocket and flipped it open
under the table, “I wanna ask you something, and I kinda need an
honest answer…”
She looked at me as if something was wrong. “Ok…sure what is it?”
“well, see the thing is…is that ive had this thing to give to now for a
LONG time, but the timing – well it was a little off shall we say, and
um…well things got in the way…”
“J what is it?”
“I wanted to ask you…” I reached for her left hand, and then lifted the
box – but she was still looking in my eyes, she didn’t notice.
“Yeah???”
“Will you Shaharra Green, do me the greatest honor" I smiled, not
able to be all serious like Id planned "Baby will you be my wife?”
Her eyes widened, she fought the smile…I saw it in her face, she didn’t
wanna smile but she had too.
“Are…are you serious?”
I looked at her as if she was mad, how could I NOT be serious.
“But…it’s only been a few….i mean months, it’s been months…and
we’re….I mean I love you of course…”
“Answer please before I combust….” I laughed nervously.
Then she looked at the ring, then at me…and as if she just realised
what id asked she placed her hands on her chest, gasping.
“OOH my god of course….yes…”
“Yes????”
“YES!” she laughed hugging me, finally…
“Oh thank god…woman what a way to leave a guy hanging….i couldn’t
breathe!”
She kissed me on the cheek and then properly. “Im sorry, its just"
She looked at her hand again "Wow…that is a chunky ring dude…”
Again with the dude, I hate Ashton.
“You mean the diamond right?” she was right it was pretty sweet, 10
carat, princess cut Harry whinstone.
“Of course I mean the diamond man what else. Its amazing….i love it,
and I LOVE you…”
“Mean it?”
“No, im kidding….” She shrugged “WHAT do you think.”
“Good, good I was just checking that's all…”
"Like there was ever a doubt that it wouldn’t be a yes, of course...I
adore you, sometimes I wonder why..." she smiled evilly, "but then it
comes back to me....Justin, we're...getting" her eyes
widened "MARRIED!"
"Its seems that way doesn’t it!" I kissed her back..
"Yeah it really does..." she grinned widely. It made my heart melt..
This was it, this felt right...more than that it felt fantastic.
We were ready.
**************
“And this is for real this time, I mean this is what you want right?”
trace queried, pacing with my baby in his arms.
“What the hell do you think…of course it is, I love Shaharra with all my
heart – as corny as it sounds? I do, and we're….there you know.”
“Cooo-coooo land? Yeah I know….”
“Not funny….”
“Okay you know I love her an all I mean she's a blast, she's fun and
she smart…fine as hell and she puts you in your place which – lets
face it, not many women can do…I like her.”
“Is that your seal of approval?”
“In a way kinda…yeah. I say good luck and finally, Jesus it only took
y’all what? Five years….that’s a long time to realise something that
was SO damn obvious to everyone else…and you call me slow…” he
shook his head and walked off with a smiling tiny tooth bearing Libby
in his arms.
“Wait where are you going?”
“Out…see ya.”
“Isn’t it a little soon?”
“Are you kidding me here? I called you for encouragement, not to be
all negative…” I said to my long time friend over the small table in the
small coffee shop.
“Im sorry, but isn’t it? I mean I know y’all have been doing this whole
dance of on and off love for what seems like EVER, but you’ve really
only been dating again what six months…”
“And? We love each other isn’t that what matters.”
“Brad and Jen said that too and now look what happened to them…”
“Angelina jolie is a home wrecker that's what happened to them, and
as far as I know she hasn’t her sights set on my man, so we’re fine.” I
sipped my hot coffee letting her close her weekly read that was the
inquirer.
“Harri, your right im sorry…I think its great!”
“Kali don’t lie, it doesn’t suit you and your shit at it so please if your
not happy then your not, you don’t have to lie about it…”
“I am happy; I just want you to be careful that's all…”
“But careful of what? We don’t need that; all we need is each other.”
Wow, cheesy aren’t i?
“Okay, say you get married and everything is wonderful…where are
y’all gonna live? Have you even thought about that?”
No, actually I hadn’t.
“No…”
“Whats the arrangement now?” see, she knew fine well what
the “arrangement” was.
“We commute, week about from LA to here.”
“Ahuh, and is that how its gonna be when you marry him, only seeing
each other on the weekends or when you both get a change to spent
more time on plane that with each other….”
Ok so she had a point.
“Why are you even bringing this up??”
“because someone has too, now look no one wants to see you and
snowy get it together more than me, truly because I see how happy
you are now, and that it must have been him that was missing from
you all this time….never have I seen you happier”
“BUT?” I knew it was coming.
“But, I think that if your going to do this right before any plans can be
made….I think you both need to have a serious talk as to whats going
to happen, what it is you both want….you know the normal things most
people do before entering a life long pledge together.”
Now I know what your thinking, was it not obvious to think these
things, was it not the first thing people ask themselves – where are we
all gonna live? What are we going to do once we’re married, am I
going to change my name, should I now days?
“Ill talk to him, ok?”
“It’s all I ask, just so your both clear…that's all…” my friend smiled at
me, I knew she meant well but she did but a whole new damper on
my happy. She had her points and she had them in abundance, well I
guess I would have to talk it up when I got home.
“Have you set a date yet?”
“Nope.”
“Venue?”
“Nope…”
“Church or beach?”
“Don’t know…”
“Well what do you know?” my mother stood, hands on her hips.
“Ma, relax what I know is that I only asked her a week and a half ago,
whats the rush?”
“I didn’t say there was a rush really I didn’t…I mean the last thing I
want is something like the debacle you ALMOST threw in Vegas….”
“Wait you said you were cool with that?” she rolled her eyes at
me, “yeah but I was also liquored up at the time, so don’t take all I
say literally will ya?”
“Well no, we haven’t talked about that yet, I mean we both in no
hurry. And when we do it, we’ll do it right. I promise, not a gambling
strip in sight.”
“Humm well that's one thing I guess.”
“But you’re going to make this one, a little more traditional right?”
“I would think so, yes…Ok? Can you calm down now?”
“Fine, fine Im off to see my grand baby.”
"Wait, mom..."
"Yes?"
"You don’t think we're rushing into this do you?"
She smiled, "No, this time im sure....She’s the one, she’s yours...."
"For real?"
"Of course....it just took y'all a while to get here that’s all. All you
needed was time, and look where you are, you're in love with her, and
her with you....you have this amazing little girl, and you have each
other - I think it’s about time, don’t you?"
“I do, I really do…but I mean…”
“You’re having doubts honey?”
“No, I know I love her, I know I don’t wanna be without her….i just
hope she feels the same.”
“She said yes didn’t she? Trust me I know her, she wouldn’t have
agreed unless she was completely sure….”
I similed and kissed her on the cheek handing her, her coat “Love you
ma. Go see the baby, she's at day care….”
“Okay, you sure?”
I smiled, putting down my head phones. “Im sure, now go”
“Justin, are you home?” I yelled from the front door of the
appartment, his…or ours as it was now known.
His pent house on 5th was so much nicer than mine, so we decided to
just move into that one.
“I am - im in the bedroom.”
And for sure there he was placing ties beside each shirt.
“Where's the baby?” I asked putting down my bags.
“She’s with my mom, they went shopping for shoes…I think.”
“Aw, that's right she said something about twinkle pinks or
something…”
“My mom?”
“No, Libby…any way…what are you doin?”
“I need to pick out a shirt and tie for this meeting tomorrow; I need to
be smart…but not stuffy.”
“Id pick the blue and the navy tie…light blue shirt, looks hot on you
like that.”
“Cool…how was your day baby?”
“Eh, just okay I guess. Busy but good so I can’t really complain.”
“Wanna sit?” he led me to the sitting room.
As we both just collapsed on the couch I brought up the subject id
been faced with earlier in the day.
“Justin…”
“Humm?”
“You know when we…get married?”
He smiled, “yes?”
“Where are we gonna live?”
“Huh?”
“Well I mean, we can’t keep going the ways we’re going right now can
we? I mean it’s impossible…”
“Damn, ive never really thought about that, I just figured you’d move
in with me…”
“We are…”
“No, I mean in LA.”
“What?”
“I just assumed that you'd move to LA with me…”
OOOH DID HE NOW
“Justin, I don’t know what gave you that idea. I never said id move to
LA?”
“Oh, ok…well you know my works there right? The business, the
producers, the movies ive signed on for… it’s all in LA…”
“Yeah, and my works here…Libby’s pre school is here…her little friends,
my friends….”
“So you're unwilling to even consider this?"
"Are you?" I countered back.
He just looked at me, with that “whats wrong your acting ridiculous”
look he would get sometimes.
“Harri, I don’t want to fight with you, I really don’t….”
“Well your sure not acting like it!”
“Just hear me out okay??” he grabbed my hand, “I love you and I want nothing more than us to be together…you know that!”
“But those are just words Justin, this thing…”
“Us getting married?”
“Yes, it’s a huge step and I just don’t think that either of us has really
considered what a marriage consists of, what it needs to stay a real
healthy marriage.”
“We didn’t know what raising a kid was all about either, but somehow
we have this amazingly smart little girl…we can’t be that bad at winging
it – can we?”
I fought my smile. He always did this to me. Charmed me out of my
way of thinking.
“I see a smile…” he kissed my cheek.
“That doesn’t change the fact that I have…WE have some issues here
Justin.”
“I know that, and we’ll figure something out, we will…We always do.”
Yeah he says that now, but why do I get the feeling this is something
that will be easier said that done?
--------------------
Love isn't meant to be easy....
I didn’t know what to say when she brought up the subject of us living together AFTER we got married…I mean call me crazy, but it seemed like a no brainer, that she would move with Libby to LA with me. Set up shop so to speak in Los Angeles. In theory I was right, her job was more flexible than mine was, she could produce shows based in LA, shit she could do it ten times better from LA than she could ever in New York.
But this was Shaharra we were talking about, a woman that made even the simplest task a feature of the unachievable. A woman who over analysed every little detail to the point of insanity…a woman…who I loved with all my heart and all my soul. A woman that made me happier in myself when I grace her presence than anyone else id ever encountered.
So in that sense maybe it would be best to reconsider my plans.
I had wanted her, as my partner, my "better" half since the moment we broke up. Here I was now, I had that - she was with me. And I was not doing the one thing Id promised myself I would do.
I wasn’t making her happy.
After id pottered around with the baby, dressed and fed her, then changed her outfit again - she had something against every outfit I picked out for her? She always rubbed her food into it.
"Aw honey come on, don’t you like this?" I held up a sweater, pink.
She shook her head "Nope."
"This?" I held up a dress.
Again with the head shaking "daddy NO, this!!" she held up the fairy out fit harri had put on her at Halloween.
"Aw baby, no that's not…"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO this!!!" she stomped her feet. Man, she was getting more and more like her mother every day.
"Fine, fine…what shoes?" she pondered as she stood there in her nappy and vest. "These!"
Wellington boots??
"You sure Libby?"
She nodded. I gave up. We had to go shopping.
"Fine…fine but your wearing a coat. Let’s go get some food."
"Chocolate daddy?" she smiled at me as I picked her up, showing me her new teeth.
"Sure…"
As we suited up for the cold wind of New York City, we were met outside the appartment complex by…you guessed it the paparazzi
"Justin, can we get one shot of the kid…"
"No, you print this and I WILL sue your ass for all its worth."
"Daddy, you said ass…"
Libby looked up at me smirking, clearly she had no idea what was going on.
She just stuck her tongue out at the three guys as I hustled with her into the nearest cab.
"Daddy?"
"Yeah honey?"
"Ummm who’s dat man?"
"No one important honey…"
She sat next to me looking up with those sweet blue eyes. "Wha didn’t you say, cheese daddy. Mommy always says fo me to say cheese."
I couldn’t do anything else but laugh at her, she made everything seem so simple and straightforward.
She thought I wanted them to take my picture…like her and her mom does at home.
Too sweet.
"So they were just waiting outside the door? Bastards! I thought the court order was still in effect though J!"
"I know, so did I. that's why ive hired more security for outside the building…I mean nice part of town sure…but its just too damn open you know?"
She sighed over the line to me. "I Know…"
"You busy baby?"
"Yeah…I am…ive had three meeting today alone im so tired! I want Nothin more right now that to just crawl up with you and lib, and just relax!" she did sound tired.
"Cant you pull a sick day and leave."
"Id love too…" I heard her shuffle something in the background. "Um…Justin baby I gotta go, im late…but ill be home at 5 okay?"
"Ok…be good."
"You too snowy,I love you!"
"Love you…"
As I looked around the penthouse appartment, toys scattered, sounds of Trace playing train with Libby, and my laptop open for "meetings" with my boss’s… I realised I really liked it there. Despite the madness and the hustle of the paps, I still loved New York City. I mean as much security my places in LA would offer us as a family. It would also take away from the freedom of this city, the genuine culture and the attitude that you know you’ll never find anywhere else in the world. You dont walk in LA like you can do in New York, there isnt as much to draw you out to other people there like there is in this city.....
The city is what brought Harri and I together, its where our baby was made and born…we had so many memories here…it just took my breath away sometimes when id look at a certain place or building, and just know - something happened there with my harri. Something either good or bad, or silly.
But "stuff" happened here.
And I knew now what she meant in not wanting to let all of that go.
Because I didn’t either.
Id contemplated back and forth on what to do "for the best" and I was still undecided.
On the one hand, I adored the city. It was where I was born and raised. I just didn’t want to imagine bring up my children anywhere else.
I mean seriously, what other city in the entire world are you going to find so much diversity and culture? No where.
The city held so much for me, and I wanted it to hold the same significance for my daughter. Was that so wrong?
But on the other hand, LA had its advantages. Mostly for Justin, but still. The security there is a million times more strict and safe than it is here. In LA we’re behind yards and yards of land surrounded by big ass steel gates. With big ass men in front of them stopping’ anything that moves.
My baby needed security.
We all did.
Getting through the door at almost six thirty I heard faint sounds of splashing water as I walked further and further into the appartment. From the looks of the kitchen Libby had been having a whole tone of fun with the contents of the fridge, I don’t know how many times id told Justin to put the lock on it, but does he listen? What do you think?
So I followed the sounds into the bathroom next to our bedroom, it had the biggest bath.
And there they were. Libby in a sea of bubbles and Justin topless holding her steady whilst trying to sponge her off.
"Problems?" I said leaning into the door frame. Justin turned to face me, as Libby began bouncing shouting out momma! At the top of her little lungs.
"No, no just dinner…" he laughed as I kneeled down beside him and kissed him once on the lips - the nightly kiss id grown to wait for.
"How was your day honey?" he smiled, id mocked him about becoming "Mr Mom" and oh so suburban.
"Well it was just great…and I take it your still having issues with her lady ship and her dinner habits?" I put my hand into her as she sat in her bath seat splashing away
"Yeah, she's fussy but we’re getting there…slowly." I just nodded. Seeing him with her like that, not that it was something new, but it was something was I was getting used to. I wasnt home with her much these days, he was. We had reversed roles, and it was a role that at first I didnt want, but being a full time mom was something that if I was honest - I really really missed. As I stood and watch the two people I loved more than anything in the world just BE...I knew I had to bring it up, so I approached the subject, "Baby?"
"Mmmm?"
"I put in for a transfer today. To the LA base."
He stalled, and looked at me "huh?"
His slowness made me laugh "I want to give LA a try….I think we should give LA a try…I mean of course it’s a long way off, they have to filter and then find me a space….but maybe we could do it for a while and see how it feels."
He smiled, widely. Kissing me on the lips again. "I can’t believe you did that? I mean wow…I didn’t even have to beg."
"Yet." I sassed "but we’ll get to that later.
He still clearly loved my decision "well you'll never guess what"
"What?"
He laughed "I moved my studio sessions to here instead of LA, so that from September to December ill be here."
"You’re kidding? For real? Na- ah…"
"A-ha, I did it today…ive found producers willing to work on this here instead. I told em my family…that would you ya’ll…comes first and that they’d need to accommodate that."
I was still laughing when he lifted Libby in her towel from the bath and handed her to me.
"that's what I told my boss…she's agreed, she's annoyed that I signed my contract a month ago and now want a transfer but…eh…she's gonna have to deal. Besides there are tons of people that could do my job….only you can do yours."
"That’s not true. Only you, YOU can do what you do, and do it so well baby, and don’t ever forget that. Sure my job is a lot different but it doesn’t make it any less important and I just needed to see that…I know that we can make this work. We’re strong, aren’t we?"
"All I know is that without you I feel…wrong, empty and alone…and you know" I smiled "I guess that I love you an all…"
"You better love me…what else you gonna do?" he smiled cockily as I loaded the dishwasher - rock and roll huh?
"Oh im sure I could find something, or someone??" I bumped him out of my way with my ass.
"Ahuh, sure…." He rolled his eyes "oh I almost forgot, your mom called she said that she and Mr Bristow were heading to brunch and that she couldn’t watch Libby tomorrow."
"Who the hell’s MR Bristow?"
"I’o’know? She just said that you’d have to get a sitter or day care?" I was perplexed. She’d never mentioned anyone like that before. Usually it was bridge or bingo, not brunch - with a man?
"Are your bags all packed J?" I asked finally taking my seat on the sofa. As Libby played at our feet.
He groaned "I thought we weren’t gonna talk about it?"
"Im not!" I defended "I just don’t want you forgetting something, that's all…"
See, he was leaving to start shooting a movie - in Los Angeles - the next day. Sure it was a sore subject, hence the no talking about it rules. He was going to be gone for over two months.
It royally sucked since at that time I was in sweeps and I couldn’t get any time off.
We were both looking at this as one of the many tests our relationship had faced and had yet to face.
A challenge we were both willing to take on, we were after all solid.
And if we weren’t, this would prove it or smash any preconceptions we had and shatter them to the wind.
Bring it on….
*****
"Wake up baby…." I heard in a soft voice, a voice that was usually used for - seductive matters.
"Mmmm…Im up…" I manage through the pillow that id moulded my face into.
"No, J WAKE UP!" she yelled laughing causing me to shoot up so fast the blood in my veins was still catching up.
"What, what im up…."
Then I opened my eyes, seeing her laughing lying next to me in the same tank top and black boy shorts that's she’d slept in the night before. Still, sexy as hell. "Ugh today’s Wednesday isn’t it…" I plopped back down next to her, so tempted to just lose myself in her embrace.
"Yes it is, its D day…you’re leaving."
"Uhh, don’t say it…" I necessled my head into her belly. Her soft breast just above my cheek, the feel of her breathing in and out, some how managed to calm me.
"I have to"
"No you don’t…"
She laughed and the rumble from her chest vibrated against me. "It’s now 7:10... Tiny’s coming to pick your ass up at what?"
"2" I sounded out, more of a muffled number through the material of her shirt.
"Okay, so since you’re all packed and shit, let’s just relax together for a few hours then."
That perked me up.
"Innninteresting. What did you have in mind?"
She just rolled her sweet eyes at my obvious suggestion.
"What? Im not gonna see you in the flesh for what? Over a month….cant we just…" I wriggled my eyebrows at her so she’d get the point.
She kissed me once on the mouth, but before I could distract her with a kiss-a-thon she moved.
"I have to get Libby…." Suddenly she seemed shy around me, what was up with that?
I knelled on the bed, grabbing her hand before she could bolt. "Hey, Har whats with the awkwardness?"
"Nothin’" she looked down at the ground as I pulled her to me again, making her land on the bounce of the mattress. "Baby? I may look it but I aint dumb….whats up?"
She shrugged, "you’re leaving, that's what…."
"Yeah, we’ve known this…"
"I know…" she whined "but it just happened SO fast…this last few months have just shot by, but ive gotten so used to you being here, when I wake up, when we put Libby to bed…"
I sighed, I knew what she meant, and this whole family thing got comfortable REAL fast.
"I know, im gonna miss you both like crazy you know that don’t you? I mean your both…my world…"
I saw a smile form on her lips, then I saw her teeth, and then she looked me in the eyes, "you’re a cheese ball, snowball…" she laughed "but god DO I love you?"
I rolled my eyes playfully at her "I think god says YES you love him and all his cheesy ass ways cause he’s your man and that's that…"
"Is that so?" she wrapped her arms around my neck looking into my face
"Yup, now kiss me before she wakes up and wants to know why daddy was making mommy shout." I recalled the incident a week before when lil Libby came silently into our room at 1am, bottle in hand….and demanded to know what we were doin….it wasn’t pretty.
Harri laughed at that "lock the door…"
He did as she asked, and made his way back to the bed before stopping "I have to brush…."
He referred to his teeth, and since he already knew she had been and done the same he should have realised her intentions all along.
"You have two seconds!" Harri announced sliding back onto the bed again as he shot off into the ensuite bathroom.
As he made his appearance again he flashes his pearly whites her way as he bounced on the bed beside her.
"Sex me up woman…"
"Fuck you!" she smiled.
"Oh, we’ll get to that!!" he smiled again as he reached around and pulled her in for another kiss, one that this time he intended on making last.
He slipped his hands from her neck to the hem of her tank, on both sides he gripped before he swiped it upwards and over her head. Then he moved to let her hair out of the hair grip it was held in, strands of brown and red hair fell about her face and neck.
He liked her new highlights, but since she seemed to have different coloured ones in each week, he knew not to get too attached to the shade.
She placed her hands on his hard round shoulders, pushing him downwards before she straddled him, effortlessly sliding his boxers of in the process before she took her seat on top of him. All the while her mouth leaving supple wet kisses all down his neck. This elicited a moan from his lips and it caused her to look him in the eyes "I love every part of you…" she said in all seriousness, not once breaking eye contact with him.
"Shaharra…" he only used her full name in situations were he was being absolutely serious. "You…are my angel…you’re the one person in the whole world that I love more than anyone….more deeply, more passionately, more tenderly that anyone…you’re my everything baby."
She nodded as he kissed her deeply once, before she knelled up to remove her shorts, shortly after…she was attached to him again. In the way that only they could together, they fit so well.
Not just physically in the moment but with each other, its like they could read each others mind.
What one wanted the other gave, and vice versa. The rhythmic thrusting and moaning all portraying a love, which sometimes was silly, sometimes insensitive, but was always one thing.
Genuine.
Now if only they knew that, that would be the easy part….
Right? Riiight??
Wrong.
Finally getting up to leave the appartment was….excruciating. But we knew that it was something that had to be done, no matter how hard.
I had signed on for this movie, months before harri and I even considered getting back together. It was in pre production for a long time, and suddenly 4 months into our "revised" relationship, I get the call.
Its show time, and I just couldn’t punk out and say "no, im too loved up to give a shit about work any more…forget it?" No, I couldn’t.
So there I was, boarding my private jet to LA. With my "PA"/ professional asshole in tow.
"Yo’ J?"
"Yeah trace?" I answer as I continued to put my I POD earphones in my ears.
"You an harri are tight right?" he took another handful of peanuts and shoved them in his mouth, "what I mean is…isn’t she a little weirded out you being…you know…gone all this time?"
I tired to ignore him, of course we were tight. But come on? What woman in their right mind would be "ok" with being apart for almost eight and a half weeks? No woman, and not my woman…but it had to be done.
"She’s fine with it"
"Are you?"
"Yeah…" I pumped up my shuffle and one of my favourite songs popped up. It was one of Elton’s….
The entire flight from the big apple to La was tiring, and it didn’t help anyone’s attitude when I got off the plane to a cluster of pap’s, all awaiting me to do something "amazing" you know I mean other that walk and get into the car, which in their circle seemed to be enough to sell shit on me…
Sad, I know…
"So what time should I get tiny to pick us up tomorrow?" Trace snapped me out of my silence, one that id been in since the car picked us up at the airport.
"Umm, well they said on set call, for rehearsals for at 9? So…um I guess 8am?" I dropped my bags by the entrance before I made my way into the house. To more than anything, survey the damage.
Since I hadn’t been there in months, really since Carmen and I left for Vegas, I wasn’t looking forward to the mess id have to face.
Ugh…
I knew that she had come back here, mainly to pick up her things.
I knew that because I saw her key, still sitting on the "save the planet" key chain that she left on the hallway table.
There was a musty smell, one that always seemed to accumulate in my homes, when I was gone.
And in the LA heat, that wasn’t a good thing. So the first thing that I did, I opened all my windows and turned on the A/C.
Then I looked at my answering machine, there were 52 messages.
Usually I was really good at remembering to check over shit like that, but since id been with harri in New York, I sort of liked to forget that this world still existed, and just live in the one we had created.
"Trace…"
"What???" I saw him poke his head round the door.
"Go through these messages for me will ya? Let me know if there is anything on there that is REALLY important, ive to go call harri.
He walked over to the machine. "Fuck sake, 52 messages? Man why do I gotta do this? They called here, so you know it’s for you!"
I just rolled my eyes at him, not wanting to deal with his shit any more. "You’re gettin’ paid to be my assistant, so shut the fuck up and ASSIST me!"
He looked stunned, "what the fuck bit you in the ass?"
"Nothin’….just…Nothin’" as I climbed the stairs to my bedroom that I longed for I couldn’t help just feeling totally alone.
It sounds completely pussy whipped I know, but being with Libby and Shaharra like that, full time…it got real comfortable, real fast and to be honest I loved it.
Now? It was like it was before. I was here, she was there, with my baby…alone without me, and I was without them.
I didn’t like it, not one little bit.
"That's in two weeks, yeah that's the deadline…Ahuh, look call me back and ill have the air date for you?...okay cool, bye.." as I hung up my third call with the executives of PUNK’D that hour I just needed a break from the ringing.
"Coffee?" Zack, my assigned partner of two years poked his head into my office and announced.
"Sounds really good…" I sat back in my leather chair again, trying to find comfort and de-stress.
"Good!" he walked him, like a living breathing A&F model holding two mugs full of Joe.
"So how’s things goin’ with you harri?"
"Good, mostly tryin’ to meet all these shitty deadlines for production meetings, starting next week is a pain in the ass! How are things over in the "Sweet 16" department?"
"Eh…" he rolled his eyes "I swear if I see another 15 year old whine into her "daddy’s" face ill deck em! Spoilt! And no ones sees it, how anyone watches this shit, is BEYOND ME!" he laughed.
"I hear you baby…" I nodded "oh hey, how are things with…whatshernames??? Umm…." I know he told me her name, I know he did.
"Joanne?"
"Yup! That's her, how are things with her?" since he’d been on holiday for two weeks, we needed our daily catch up.
"Um…well you know how I had this whole thing planned, take her to figi, wine and dine right?"
"Mmmm?"
"Yeah, that didn’t go as well as I planned." He stated stretching his long legs against my desk as he sat opposite me.
"Why not?"
"I got home that night, with the plane tickets in my backpack (he was 22, it was still okay for him to carry around such an item.) And well…I basically caught her at it with john."
Oh, john was his brother.
"Shit…"
"Yeah…" he shrugged. "so I ended up going alone…it was so embarassin harri, I mean the people at the hotel didn’t get my message and they had our room decked out - for love….it was sickening!"
I felt really bad for him, he was a genuinely nice guy that worked really hard. And he really loved that BITCH! I walked over to his side of the desk. "Aw baby im sorry…come ‘ere" I coach him into a friendly hug.
"Are you gonna be okay?"
"Yeah you know me, im resilient, the bit that gets me though, he's my brother? You know?"
"I know, it must suck? Have you talked about it?"
" NO! Ive been avoiding him and HER as much as I can…turns out, they’re dating…can you believe that! Makes my stomach turn."
Poor guy.
"Im sorry Zack."
He waved his hand at me, like id no need to be. "Enough about me…how’s you and MR America doin’" he smiled. It was always his name for Justin, since as he said when I first told him who I was dating waaaay back in the day, "that dudes covered the entire damn country with his moves" slightly gay ill grant you, but apparently his sister was a big nsync fan…
"He’s fine thank you very much…" I faked smiled and then I stopped frontin’ "actually he left a few days ago, for LA…he's got this movie thing goin’ on…and yeah…"
"For how long?"
"Couple of months."
"Shit…"
"Yup…so that's that, id love to go see him…but" I held up my hands "there is a nation of shallow teens that needs to be entertained, so…I guess it’ll have to wait."
"So you and I are both in the self pity boat today huh?" he laughed a little.
"Looks like it."
He looked at me for a second "well for what its worth, if I had you…or someone as close to amazing as you are, nothin would make me wanna leave you for that long."
I know he was just trying to make me feel better, I mean, he was…wasn’t he?
No way in hell could he have meant anything by it…No. I knew him; we were friends, buddy’s, workmates, that's IT!
Right?
Once again my phone rang, but this time it was my cell. "I like the way you move" from outkast rang through, I knew it could only be one person.
"Hi baby?"
"Hey…you busy?"
"Nope." I nodded to Zack "im just at work, whats up with you?"
"On break, set changes…are you with someone?"
Ummm…
"No im not, im just…it’s just me."
See, not the best of ideas. But y’all know Justin by now, and you know that he has a small problem of jumping to conclusions when you KNOW there aint Nothin to get jumpin’ about. If I told him about zack he’d want to know what he looked like, and to be honest….the boy was HOT with a capital H.O.T so I couldn’t exactly say that now could I? And then he’d want to know how much time we spent together, and again…not something I wanted him stressing about. Because, to me at least - it wasn’t a big deal.
Zack waved and made his way out of my office.
"Uuhk well I just thought id give you a quick ring. Girl I miss y’all so much it’s crazy."
It had only been 3 days. But 3 very LONG days, and even longer nights.
"I know, I miss you too…Libby wants to know where you are ALL the time, no matter how many times I tell her, its just not enough….I think she really misses the night time stories, apparently I don’t "Do it 'wite, not like daddy does…" so there you go."
"She likes it when you make voices up…wonky, dorky ones…and hey, you know im the king of dork!"
"Cant argue with that one baby." I laugh. "You sound tired…"
"Ehh I am…ive had three bit scenes today, all involving me getting my ass kicked."
"Well, you’re the one that signed on for a soldier movie."
"It’s a war epic."
"Ahuh…"
"Anyway…what time will you be home tonight? I wanna catch Libby before you put her to bed."
"Actually im off in about an hour, that's me then till Monday…"
"I don’t see ho they can still ask you to work on a Saturday any ways..." he trailed off.
"I know, but im needed here..." I was the one to trail off then as I stared out of my window, all fifteen floors up.
"You’re needed here too...." his voice came out quite, almost whisper like then.
"Baby…."
"Harri" he whined "is there ANY way of you getting off work?? Any?"
"Its sweeps sweetheart you know that….shit, you know id be there in a second if I could…"
"I know…" he said softly again, then I heard shuffling behind him. "Uhh honey, that's my cue…Im being called back to set…so uhh…"
"Wait. I never got to ask you, whats the cast like???" I knew he was nervous, I mean it was Tom Cruise and Michael Douglas for god sakes, as well as a few actors our age….Omar Epps, and Zack Braff.
"Um, yeah its cool…everyone’s real nice and so far there hasn’t been any problems, so…yeah it’s good."
"You meet everyone yet?"
"No…but uh…" he sounded like he was walking "I have a rehearsal with Omar tomorrow and a few others…."
"Cool…" he sounded far too distracted to actually hold a conversation with him. So I decided to just stop "well baby good luck okay? Ill let you go…"
"Ok…Love you."
"I…"
"Oh yeah… I love you…" he managed a laugh, it spanned from the conversation that we had weeks before. That once you start saying the I love you, without the "I" then it didn’t mean shit. I had to correct myself at times…but I think I had a valid point? Right?
"Yeah just you remember that, I love you too you dork! Talk to me soon okay?"
"Will do…bye." And with that I knew he’d hung up. And as soon as he did the pangs of loneliness started again. He was right when he said he needed me there, because the truth was - I needed him just as bad.
Sheer Temptation
“Kali??? Girl where you at??” I asked loudly turning her key that she’d given me as I entered her appartment.
“We’re in here!!” was what I heard coming from the bedroom. It was after 2, so Liberty should have been just up from her nap.
“Aw, there's my princess!!” I animated holding out my arms to my smiling baby girl as she giggled when she saw me. “Where you a good girl for auntie Kali??” she nodded, still not taking her pacifier from her mouth.
“Was she?” I directed at my friend.
“Yeah, she just woke up a few minutes ago actually; she's so pleasant when she wakes up…its cute.”
“I know it a totally different story tryin to get her to go down at night though….sometimes Justin gets her so riled up…UGH, takes forever!” her sparkling blue eyes fixed on me again, id noticed just how big she was getting, at 2…I knew early on that she’d be a tall girl. Thankfully she got her daddy’s genes in that department too.
“momma.” She took the dummy from her mouth and said.
“Mmmm?”
“wher’a‘s daddy?”
If I hadn’t said it before, my Libby was a definite daddy’s girl….
“He’s working baby, remember? He’ll be home soon though okay?”
She shrugged and smiled “okay”
“Har? You want a beer?” kali offered. Sitting in her chair by the TV, in full on make up. Tight jeans and a small sweater – cashmere if I wasn’t mistaken.
“Are you heading out?”
“Nope…well not now? But um…Leesa and a few of the girls were thinking of heading to a few bars in town…” she looked at me awkwardly “You know later on…”
Sure I knew why. Since Justin and I had gotten back together- things with my friends…changed.
It was never intentional or thought out. But it just seemed when I had him around me, and my baby to take care of…that side of me just, disappeared.
It was like id said, never something that id thought about.
But I guess my priorities changed, I had a family to think about, those other girls just didn’t seem to get it, when I said id rather stay in and hang out with Justin…
“Oh…”
“You…could come too, you know if you wanted.”
“No…” I dismissed quickly, hell I saw how awkward she was, it wasn’t like I wanted that to continue. “Your okay, I wouldn’t be able to get a sitter…and you know…” I looked away, suddenly feeling very old.
Old at 26. Shit.
“No seriously, it’s been a long while since we ALL got together and just partied…come on, it’ll be fun! And im sure your mom, or isn’t j’s mom in town? Couldn’t they?”
my mother was on another one of her “dates” that weren’t “dates” but I really knew they were “dates” and it was true, Lynn was in town…maybe?
“What time are y’all heading out?”
“8ish…depending on how much make up leesa wants to wear this time.” She cackled.
“right well, um…Ill see lynn and ask…if she can, if I can…Ill be here at 7;45…if not, ill call, that cool?”
“Yes, finally…it’s been a while since we’ve seen you get your groove on girl. You know that just aint right…”
She was right, Justin and I rarely went clubbing any more, we had been on two small vacations in the five or so months that we had been back together…but those were spent on the beach or on a bed. Neither bad…but just not very social able either?
“Ill be there”
As I put the lasting touches to my make up and ruffled my newly tightened curls, I caught my mothers gaze in the mirror.
“What ma?”
“Nothin’”
“Ma…come on, whats with the look?”
She let out a tired breath, “it’s just…I never seen you get this dressed up for Justin.”
Aw, the guilt trip. It was bad enough when I got the look from Lynn, who was getting ready for dinner with Paul as we spoke...Hence my momma's presence.
“I aint getting dressed up for no one but me mom okay? And it’s not that I don’t do this…its just that we usually never wanna go out clubbin’”
“I remember him asking you several times on your birthday, then at thanksgiving, and after Chris-“
“Ok, okay I get it…Jesus. Look ill be honest, going out…Like OUT, out with him….as fun as it is, its just not worth all the hassle that goes with it.”
“Just because y’all have to have security? Baby I thought you’d be used to that by now?”
“It’s not just that, it’s the whole thing…the pap’s, the fans, the staring.”
She glanced at my chest, my rather ample and exposed chest…not fully. But my girls were working over time in the dress id squashed my ass into.
“it doesn’t seem that you have a problem with people staring at you baby.”
“Mom…”
“Don’t MOM me, okay? Im just sayin that's all…I feel sorry for the guy, all alone in LA waiting on you to call.”
“Ill call him, ill be home early!” I fluffed my hair again and grabbed my bag “she's gone down about a half hour, so that's should be here till 8am, but if she does wake up, her bottles are in the fridge.”
“I know Shaharra; I am her gran-ma you know?”
I nodded “well im her mom, it’s in my blood to worry, just like your doin about me, right now.”
“I still say you could call him now and tell him your going clubbing, that's all im asking…cause what happens when he calls here.”
“You tell him im out…that's it! Mom come on, you know how he is, he’ll read all kinds of shit into it, and with him being so far away, he's gonna think things…”
“Like he's not good enough for you to go out in public with, but your girls are fine. Im sure he’ll understand” she sounded oh, so patronizing.
I heard the honk of my taxi. “I haveta go” I kissed her on the cheek and walked out grabbing my coat in the process.
“Love you…”
“MOM”
“Sorry, I love you.”
“I love you too!” I smiled making my way out the door. Tonight, I was gonna have some fun. So good old fashioned girlie – adult FUN!
As soon as I heard my pickup car rounding the drive way, I threw down my bags, and just landed on the couch.
Pure heaven, after a day on my feet the horizontal peace I was getting was extremely appreciated.
It was just after 2am, id been on set since the other a.m, I just needed sleep, and lots of it.
But then there was a different thing that I needed more than sleep, more than anything else.
I needed to talk to my girl, if I couldn’t hold her till I fell asleep the least I wanted to do was talk to her till I nodded off.
A thing we used to do a lot when we very first started dating, when id been on tour with Nsync, or just when I was in another city, we’d sit up and talk for hours on end…about nothing and everything.
I loved it, and I missed it when we broke up.
As I waited on the ringing to stop and for her to answer, I got it. Except it wasn’t her, it was her mom?
“Hillary?”
“Oh hi Justin, how are you?”
“Uhh im good…um is harri there?” I still felt weird around her mom at times.
“Actually no, she uhh, she went out with some friends.”
“Oh, to the movies or something?”
“No, I think they went to a bar? Or a club or somethin’ she didn’t say really. Im babysitting.”
Oh…
“Really? She never mentioned that when I called earlier? Oh well…is Libby okay?”
“Yeah she is, she's been in bed since 8…good as gold, thank goodness. How’s work?”
“Works, work…hard work!” I managed a laugh “im real tired… I just wanted to talk to her before I went to bed…but I guess Ill do that in the morning. Night Hillary.”
“Yes, goodnight Justin.” She clicked off.
It had been so long since harri had expressed any desire to go out clubbing? She never wanted to go out partying with me? We just sort of fell into this routine, sure it got a little boring at times? But what routine didn’t? I would always offer to take her out, and we did. We dinner, we did up scale “grown up – parenty things…” but we hadn’t done anything sexy and fun in…well in a while.
I mean its not like I minded being a stay at home dad while she worked. In fact I loved it. Being unable to see the baby for so long on a day to day basis before harri and I got back together, well it just made me appreciate my time with both my girls a lot more when we did it the second time around.
Sure for most men my age, it seemed like a death wish, but not to me.
And yeah maybe I knew deep down that the reason harri hated “goin’ out” with me was because of the attention we – I got.
Can’t say I blame her, but being at home in LA alone and lonely…well it just made me miss her more.
As we reached the club, and skipped the waiting line thanks to Leesa’s connections ‘i.e. she's been bouncing with the security guard’.
We made our way into the “VIP” area. To be honest I didn’t want the VIP area, I was sick of it to be honest. It was something we had to do every where we went these days.
Im not complaining….well okay maybe I am, but come on! It’s JUST a little roped off room with crapper music than in the actual club.
BLAHHH.
“Yo’ can’t we just hang down stairs? I thought this was meant to be a fun night Kali?” she looked at me as she sipped her Cosmo.
“What? This is fun, wait a few minutes and the bar tender will come with some free champers!” she smiled. Umm, not to be a snob but why was this a big deal?
See what he’s done to me?!?!?!?
“Uhh great.” I added sipping my vodka and red bull. The latest kanye trip came on the decks and the crowd through the glass floor and walls that I saw went wild! The idea that just one song could lift the crowd like that, it made me want to move.
“Let’s dance!” I said excitedly grabbing Leesa’s hand and dragging her out of the VIP room and down on to the dance floor with all my real people. As we bumped with each other and laughed our way from one side of the floor to the other, I bumped into one person I recognised out of the crowd.
“ZACK!!!” I yelled as he approached me smiling, drink in his hand.
“hey girl, what you doin’ down here! DOWN town…I thought your scene was more uppish!”
“Boy, come on now, I know you KNOW that's not true!” he danced against me and then I introduced him to Leesa.
As they acknowledged each other, we all danced together. Then we swaggered off the floor and over to the bar and we all three of us, took our seats.
“What you havin Har….Leesa??”
Leesa spoke up and rhymed off her tipple as did I. “So…Zack...” Leesa looked at me knowingly as she licked her glossed lips. “How long have you known my Harri here?”
He handed us both our drinks “bout…What Har? 3…4 years now? Even since I switched departments, she was my angel at first, I didn’t know what I was doin’”
“Reeeeally?” she smiled at me. The “ooh you have a secret” smile I knew from her.
“Yeah, it’s been great though, she's a real gem.”
“Yes, yes she is…” she sipped her drink and I had to butt in.
“You know I didn’t help you THAT much, I mean you’ve been a help to me more than anything…”
“Aww, you two are SO cute.” Leesa added “have you met Justin, Zack?”
“What?” he leaned in to her, against the loud music.
“Her fiancée?”
“you’re engaged?” he asked, looking as puzzled as he should have…you know, since I sort of hadn’t told him that I was engaged an all…
“Yeah, you didn’t know? How strange, you two being such good “friends” an all…Harri?” she eyed me again, and I swear I wanted to HIT her.
“Zack…I didn’t want to say anything, you’ve been having a rough time with the whole evil Joanne thing and all, so I just figured…id tell you later!” I shrugged. He just smiled
“Harri, congrats! This is big news, I mean yeah ive been down in the dumps lately but…come on! This is you and Justin we’re talking about here. Isn’t this like the wedding of the century?!?”
I smiled; something in his smile reminded me of Justin’s.
“Yeah it is, I can’t wait to be honest. Im so nervous!”
“Why?”
“Eh…hello! Marriage is so…final.”
“And a baby isn’t?” he smirked “come on, your both made for this and you know it!” then he leaned in and added “even though it will hard to see you married, your too hot to be someone’s wife!”
As Leesa and I made our excuses to the bathroom, she eyed me again. “Girl why didn’t you tell me about the hottie out there?”
“What about him?” I asked, rooting for my lip gloss in my bag. “He’s just Zack.”
“And he's JUST hot as hell…”
“You and a white boy? For real?”
“This one is different, did you see those eyes….” She looked up at me “how can you NOT think he's hot.”
“Cause im engaged…” I laughed. Even though, yeah…he was…
“But before, girl…I want that lil snowflake.”
“Ill ask him for you then…” I offered if only to shut her up. Then I checked my cell. Two missed calls, for Justin.
Id call him later.
“Zack…how are things now? With you and your brother? Any change?”
He just rolled his sweet little eyes…deep sexy eyes….
“Nah. And to be honest im sick of hearing about them…they’ve cause so much shit…Not just with me, but with my mom and dad…the whole family…it just sucks.” He took another gulp of his beer…
“Well, you know leesa?” I glanced over my shoulder to a dancing Lees and Kali, with a few of the other girls that had joined us.
“Yeah?”
“She likes you, Annnnd…” I giggled “God I feel like im 12 again, but umm…would you like to…I dunno? See her sometime?”
He sat back in his chair, “wow…”
“Im sorry I know this is childish, and she usually doesn’t get a go between, but she thought that since I know you better an all…” I shrugged.
“Harri, id love too…but I just can’t even think about dating anyone new right now….”
“Because of Joanne?”
“yeah.” He coughed sitting up right again, then he leaned into my ear “and if there was anyone id be interested in like that right now…it wouldn’t be her…it would be the girl ive been crushing on since forever…”
“And who’s what? Britney spears?” I sniggered. But he didn’t. He leaned in again. “No, It would be you…it’s always been you…”
With that he kissed me on the cheek and walked away.
And I can’t tell you the emotions that flowed through me at that moment. But the most major one was sheer confusion.
He…had a crush…ON ME? No… I mean we flirted, sure but it wasn’t any different than the friendly flirting I did with everyone…wasn’t it? I mean he was a cutie sure…but it didn’t go any further that a little light playing.
Just something to pass the time in the office quicker right?
I loved Justin…
Oh yeah…Justin.
I tossed and turned all night. It was 8:15 and it was my late day so I didn’t HAVE to get up. But I just couldn’t sleep like I normally could ‘i.e. through a hurricane’
So I got up, went down stairs and poured myself a large bowl of lucky charms with almost a gallon of milk.
Switched on CNN and waited on the phone. Technically it was her turn to call.
And as if she’d read my mind the phone rang and it was her.
“Hey baby…” she sounded tired. Then again it was still 4ish am her time.
“hey…what you doin’”
“Getting a cab home, I just went out with the girls…but I lost Kali so I had to find her before I got to get the cab!” she laughed “im wrecked, and maybe a little druk.”
“Drunk?”
“That’s what I said! Are you still in bed?”
“Nah, just got up…cant sleep without you now…”
“Sap!”
“Nah girl I just miss you.”
She sighed longingly “I miss you too, So much baby. Im coming out there as soon as I can! I mean that, ive handed in my notice I leave the office in the city in a week!”
“Then you and lib will come out here?” I smiled.
“YUP! I can’t wait!” she sighed, as did I. "Justin, when did we get so old...."
"Huh?"
"Us, the way we act now...We act like we're 60 or something."
Did we really?
"Look I know things between us hasnt been as....I dunno, as exciting as it was when we first started out, but I think that's just because we got comfortable with each other over time.”
She sighed again “that's my point, we’re not even in our thirties yet…we shouldn’t be “comfortable” just yet.”
“Baby you’re drunk, we’ll talk when you’ve had some sleep okay.”
Again she sighed. “Sure…love you.”
And with that she clicked off, she didn’t say ‘I’ she always said I when she meant it…
Obviously she didn’t this time.
*********************************************************************************
My head was banging, constantly banging…my mouth felt like it was encased in sand with no sight of water.
I was dying.
I hadn’t had a hangover in a long time, in well over a year at least. It didn’t help anything in me when Libby came bouncing through the door, and I glanced at my clock.
9:30…I hadn’t even had five hours sleep maybe I was older than I wanted to be.
“Hey pumpkin, what are you doin’”
“Mommy…” she held her arms up for me to pick her up. I did, pulling her in with me inside the warmth of the comforter.
“Yeah baby?”
“wher’a’s daddy….”
“I told you sweetie he’s working…you wanna call him?”
She rolled her eyes at me. The little madam. “No, mommy I wanna show him my picture.” The small crumbled piece of paper she held in her little hand, “see…”
It was just scribbles, but she was my baby so you know it was awesome in my eyes.
“What is it honey?”
“Daddy, you, an me…see…” she pointed to the big blue line and the little red line " and that's the sea side member momma, member hi-e.
“Hawaii.” I corrected.
“Dats what I said hi-e….member?” her little eye brow lifted, so much like her daddy’s. And yeah I remembered. It was where we all went when we first got back together – after the whole “Carmen fiasco” we just rented a house in Maui and chilled for almost three weeks of heaven.
I missed that.
“Lets call daddy okay?”
“OOOOK!” she squealed hoping off the bed and handing me the cordless beside the bed. As I dialled his cell, the machine came on.
That meant one thing. He was on set.
“He’s at work baby; wanna say something so he can hear it later?” I handed her the phone. It took almost her two hands to hold it. And she spoke into it.
“Daddy, I made a picture FO you….mommy’s he-a where you at??” she looked in the phone “mom he's not ther-a?”
“He will be later though, so hang up baby.”
Having poured myself the largest glass of cold water and after taking about three Advil, I was beginning to feel like myself again.
I had a missed call on my cell, it wasn’t Justin. It was my mom.
“hey, I left at 7 this morning, while you my girl had barely hit the pillow…well any way, Libby slept right through, she didn’t even miss you…you have fun??? Well, ill call you when I get off work ive a full case load today, so I might not be able to get in touch…I love you. Bye!”
I didn’t have work, and Libby didn’t have day care. After breakfast we decided to trek up town, a little retail therapy was needed. That and her lady ship needed new shoes. She was growing so fast these days; it was like her size changed every few weeks.
“You ready.”
“Yuuup, mommy can we get chocolate shakes?”
I looked down at her, she wasn’t aloud chocolate – it made her hyper.
“Who gets you shakes?” like I needed to ask.
“Daddy…we go to dipody and get em’, can we mom??” Dipody?? Oooh Serendipity.
“Well honey maybe just this once, but daddy should know better.” I talked to myself more than her.
“I know momma.” She answered smiling up at me, even though she hadn’t a clue what I was talking about.
***
After six intense scenes, I was done. It was a short work day but a demanding one non the less.
As soon as I got back to my trailer I clicked on my cell.
Several messages, but only one that tug at my heart.
It was my baby, something about a picture…then I heard Harri in the background, but she didn’t leave a message.
For some reason that sadden me.
I had to call her, but as my BAD luck would have it, I got the machine too.
“Hi baby, look you’re out…clearly…umm I got the message from the baby, sweet right? Umm…you know I hate these things so…uhh yeah im off now so if you wanna call when you get in then…Ill be at home, so yeah…bye.”
I really did hate answer phones. I froze up when I had to talk to them, and not the real person, it irked me.
“Honey do you like these?” I held up a small pair of pink Mary Janes that would go with the little cashmere sweater id picked out, “momma, its pink.” She looked up at me with those amazing cerulean eyes, so reminiscent of daddy’s.
“I know.”
“I’o like it…can I have this!!” she smiled excitedly it was a pair of boys dungarees.
“No, honey they’re for boys….come look with me over here okay?” the store we were in was relatively ‘exclusive’ so exclusive that you had to have a ‘members’ card just to get through the door.
I won’t lie; the perks of having Justin as my baby daddy were endless at times. And I fully took advantage of them; I mean what woman doesn’t want the best for her child.
“Baby are you hungry?” I asked, suddenly growing tired of shopping, after all we’d been out a good few hours.
“Mmmm…can we go to mc Donald’s?”
“How about…” I pepped as I picked her up “we go home and I make you your favourite!”
“Skettie an meatballs with fries?!?” she shouted, god love her…for weeks it was ALL she would eat.
“YEAH!!!” I mimicked her smile. “Let’s get us a cab….”
“Justin, what are you doin’”
“Just Cleaning. This place is a tip!” I answered him from the floor.
“Yeah…I get that, but what I don’t get is why YOU are cleaning!?! Dude, they have people who do that for you here…where did Celia go?”
“Celia was Carmen’s ‘maid’ and I never wanted that…”
Trace popped up on the counter as I finished cleaning under the refrigerator. “Okay but you have to admit, have a house keeper to….keep the house really was nifty, it was like living with your mom, but with NO nagging.”
“Id rather do it myself…” I snapped.
“Fine Jesus what bit your ass today! Id forgotten you went and got all domestic an shit in New York.”
“What?”
“You’ve ‘grown up’ an all since you moved out there with Harri. Become Mr Mom an all…everyone says so man.”
“Everyone?”
“yeah all the boys we’d hang with here, remember when we’d be the 20 something’s that we are, when we’d go clubbin’ go have…whats the word…oh, right… FUN! But im guessing since you got pussy whipped you don’t remember that part any more do you.” The arrogant son of a bitch laughed at me.
“Look just cause I take care of my business at home don’t mean I don’t have fun…you’ve seen my woman, so you know that's enjoyable…”
“Yeah ive seen her, but I also know that you two act like your middle aged or something…it’s pathetic.”
“What the fuck are you talkin’ about? Harri and I are hot together okay, we have an exceptionally healthy sex life and-“
“Yeah, sex life and no real life…that's what am sayin here j. I mean come on, when was the last time y’all went out, to a public thing…huh? You and Carm would do that ALL the time….it didn’t hurt your career now did it.” I knew what he meant, since I had become half of harri’s family id become closed off from the rest of the world.
He shrugged “am just sayin’”
“You’re just being a pain in the ass that's ALL you're doin….”
He finally gave up. “Im sorry Justin but in the three weeks you’ve been here all you’ve done is work and come home ALONE to sulk or whatever…you’re no fun anymore man….its boring, and you were never EVER boring…”
“Im not…sulking, im just…homesick I guess…I miss em’ man, I miss my baby…being a dad trace it changes you inside and out – it changes you. She's my priority and yeah…I spent a lot of time away from her at first, id party screw around I know that, but dude…she's my little girl.”
“I know man, and im sorry, you know I was just messing’ right? I know you miss em’ but hey…why don’t you try and get harri to come out here?”
That disheartened me.
“Ive tried, but since ive been out here…ive maybe spoken to her all of six times. She's been busy, getting ready to transfer eventually, she's coming She says she is…so yeah…she's gonna be here then but im not.”
“Cause of the New York thing?”
“Yeah. I mean they’ll be here soon sure, but then Ill have to go start promotions an shit. It’s killing me.”
“But she IS coming? That's something right? You two loved it here before.”
I knew what the “before” meant.
“But then we were….kids…we partied non stop…we didn’t have any real responsibilities.”
“People do manage to juggle kids and a social life you know Justin…maybe you two could try that, before the rest of your friends forget what you look like.” He shrugged, walking out of the kitchen. He was the one that was sulking; he was the one that suddenly lost his “drinking buddy” his confidant, his best friend. And yeah, as gay as it sounds I know what he meant. Shaharra had become my buddy, my confidant, my best friend….she became my everything.
And maybe…just maybe that wasn’t the best idea in the world. To depend on just one person to be there for you in all aspects of life.
I needed to surround myself with other people again…..and Id start right now.
“Hey Trace! Wait up man….”
Lonely Hearts, Crowded Minds....
“So how’s this been? Being her with her alone again?” Kali asked sipping her hot mug of coffee from my breakfast nook.
“It’s been good and bad really. I mean I love being with her all the time, and this working from home thing has been good but I am in need of a little more adult conversation that's why im heading in today…its just…”
“Just what?”
“Just that, it’s just made me see what ive missed. In the six months that Justin and I had ‘reversed’ our roles, she's started talking more, she's got her own little personality forming fast and I see just how much he’s influenced that, its surprising….you know, that, and the fact that I barely talk to him any more I knew id miss him, I just didn’t think id feel this lonely.... We some how seem to miss each other ALL the time, I swear ive spent more time having a relationship with his cell service this last month than I have with him personally.”
“I know it’s hard…but come on, you’re all but done with work aren’t you…then you'll be off to sunny LA! I wouldn’t mind switching with you!” I glanced over at a playing Libby, who had set up “shop” on the kitchen floor.
“I know, and I really can’t wait to see him again one more week and im there! Besides there is only so much ‘love’ you can express through the telephone lines you know?”
She nodded and smirked “but I bet y’all had a helluva time with a little phone bone baby….riiight?” she laughed.
“KALI!” I hissed glancing to Liberty again “she can hear us!!”
“HA! But you didn’t deny it did you!” she stuck her tongue out at me smiling.
“ANYWAY…” I felt my cheeks flush. “That’s NOT the point! Moving on…”
I hopped off my stool to get the rest of the chicken salad sandwich I was enjoying “Har, how’d things go with Leesa and that cutie I saw her with the other night…”
“Who Zack?”
“Yeah, isn’t he the boy that works with you?”
“Oh yeah he has done for a few years now…Zack’s cool.”
“Zack’s hot…” she mocked my tone. “I mean tell me you, of all people have seen it…you are the one out of all three of us that has a ‘thing’ for vanilla in your chocolate girl…”
I rolled my eyes “okay so he's attractive, big deals…im taken remember.”
“Leesa said that all he talked about was you.”
“If you knew what went on with them, why even ask me?” I turned to my seat again.
“I just wanted to see how you’d talk about him….”
“Why?”
“Leesa’s convinced that he has a serious crush on you….big time according to her.”
“Okay, one…he's a friend, he didn’t want to date but I asked him to date her…simple. He told me he had fun but that she was a little too…forthcoming…”
“Ok…man that explains why she was a complete prissy ass bitch to me today.”
“Yeeah.” I sounded “look she seems to think that its because of me, or his ‘feelings’ for me…which he DOESN’T have, its because he's getting over a serious break up…that's all!”
“You sure?”
“Of course!!” I shooed off her looks with my hand “Of course!”
After getting the baby washed and ready for her grandma’s I was all but ready for my work. When the house phone rang.
“Yeah” I answered in a real hurry while I held the baby in one arm and the phone in the other.
“Harri?”
“Hey baby…” it was a tired sounding Justin. “what you doin’”
“Callin’ you…” he laughed.
“Yeeah, I get that Jay leno…isn’t it like…” I checked my watch it was 8am here… “It’s like 4 in the morning’ with you right now, what are doing calling at this hour?”
“I just felt like hearing your voice…I just got out of the studio, me and some of the boys were thinking of heading somewhere.”
“At 4am???”
“It’s LA Har, remember? There’s always somewhere to go…no matter what time…But I just wanted to say hi, in case I miss you again later on….”
“Aw, well… Hi to you too…you sound tired, maybe you should get some sleep….” I offered.
“Nah am all good baby…” he didn’t just sound tired now, he sounded high.
“A-huh…well I gotta go drop the baby off with ma, then im at the office all damn day…be thankful you aint got no schedule to keep boy! I love you…”
“I Love you too…”
And with that I clicked off and made the manic race to find a cab in the morning rush….it wasn’t easy.
“Hey Justin what happened with that chick the other night man?” Pharell spoke up from the other end of the booth, beer in hand.
“What chick?”
“You know, the other stripper….No offence ladies…” he nodded to the women dancing in front of us, who – lets face it, didn’t care one way or the other, but six beers in and he got a little stupid.
“Nothin, she made a move on me…I backed off…simple.”
“Really? Dude she was a hot motherfucker, id’a tapped that.”
“Im sure you would, but im not like that no more.”
“No? You tapped every ass in LA when you were with that actress chick, what changed…”
“I changed…”
“Surrre, look I like harri an all man, girls down you know…but come on…this whole “fidelity” thing you got goin, how long you think it’ll last huh?” I loved Pharell don’t get me wrong, it was just sometimes he was a stupid ass mother-
“I love Shaharra man, she's IT…” At that moment I cursed myself for calling him to hang out.
“For real?”
“Ahuh…”
“So then why isn’t she here?” I was half drunk, exhausted as shit and more than already irritated with his line of conversation.
“P, what the fuck…are you the relationship police or what?”
“I was JUST askin’ Jesus calm the hell down!”
“Im calm, but damn…I get that im not the same good old Justin that would go out, get completely shit faced and screw anything in a bra, an am sorry if its hard for you to get used to me, as I am now! But ive changed and if you or the rest of y’all…” I nodded to the three other so called friends of mine at the same table “Can’t handle that, then fuck y’all!!”
I pushed my chair back and made my way, ill grant you – like a spoiled child to the nearest exit.
Call me crazy, but I just couldn’t stand everyone’s constant questioning into my relationship with the woman that I did love, more than anything.
It made me question it myself, it made me question everything.
From the move, to the reason’s we were doin it, from the wedding, to the marriage we both knew we wanted but were both a little shady on the “how” in achieving it….all these questions that I had simply pushed into the back of my mind in order to concentrate on just being with her…all of which were now fully up front and nagging on my mind every second….I just needed to see her again. If I did I was sure I would be able to get things that were swirlling around in my head, sorted out.
Maybe.
Having spent the third day alone, working on my script, getting more rest than I needed, I was bored.
As easy as it sounds getting into trouble in LA wasn’t difficult but for me it just wasn’t what I wanted either. So I decided to go through the messages that Trace had outlined for me.
It was mostly business, some old acquaintances – one that caught my eye.
“Carmen called something about a meeting sometime. Call her back?” was the note on the side of that particular post it.
So I did, I typed her number off from memory and waited for an answer.
“Hello?”
“Hey…uh is Carmen there…”
“Who’s calling” sounded her Spanish housekeeper
“Um, it’s Justin….”
“Aw, Mr Justin…one moment please.” I waited several when her happy chirpy tone came on the line
“J?”
“Hey there…”
“Oh god, I never thought you’d actually call me back!! Hi, how are you…” she drawled. “It’s been FOREVER man!”
“I know…sorry ive been…”
“Busy, I know baby….” She sounded overly happy
“So…Carm why where you callin’?”
“OH, right…well I have some news…really good news, but I was hoping I could see you in person…if your not busy maybe you could come over for lunch?”
That wasn’t the best idea, and I think she sensed the hesitation in my voice “ummm….well”
“Well, Nothin, its just lunch…completely harmless, I promise!”
“Fine, I guess I could do that….where?”
“How bout my place? Ive just stared making some chicken salad…I could make more?”
Well I didn’t have too many offers that day, and I was starving, so yes I accepted.
I approached her large estate that was dripped in the bright blinding sunshine that was typical of LA at that time of day.
She answered her door wearing a smile, and not much else.
Id almost forgotten that she lounged at her pool most of the day when she didn’t work, so the sight of her in a white bikini took me by surprise.
“Hi you…come on in!! Ive wanted to talk with you for a while now…”
I walked into her kitchen as we exchanged pleasantries “why’s that?”
“Well…I met someone. Ryan Reichmann…he's a new player for the dolphins.” She smiled “he's really great…”
“Aw, that's real nice carm, im happy for you….”
“Are you? Cause I wasn’t as….happy for you.” Her smile died for a second “in fact, I hated you…hated her…I was so angry after Vegas…” she huffed a breath but then smiled again “BUT, since I met him my whole attitude on things has changed….really im not the same girl I once was.”
“How’s that?”
“I think I feel for Ryan the way you’ve always felt for Harri J…and I get it now.”
“Get what?” I asked sitting at her breakfast bar as she placed the plate of food in front of me as well as a fork and a drink.
“The reason you couldn’t get her out of your head...or your heart for that matter.”
I blushed. I didn’t want to but I did.
“Carmen you know I never did set out to hurt you…you know that don’t you?”
She nodded and smiled again, “well I just wanted to tell you, that Ryan and I are getting married next month! And that its gonna be at his place in Florida, and if you wanted to, you and Harri are invited…”
Wow.
“You are? But isn’t that a little soon? I mean you hardly know the guy?!”
she looked at me, like I was an over protective father telling her off, “dude, we’ve been together a month from when we broke up, he really helped me get over you, that was almost a year ago now…I know him plenty, he's really open and honest with me, and he has his own money so I know its not about that….he loves me Justin, and I cant ask for more than that….”
“I guess your right…” id lost my appetite “well, im really pleased that you’re happy, you really deserve it…” I moved in to hug her “Congratulations.”
“Thanks baby. So…when is your big day? Ive been amazed I haven’t heard something about you and Har by now…I was sure that's what you wanted more than anything…”
“It is, and we are! We’re engaged, but we just haven’t set a date.”
She rolled her eyes “Harri is being picky again huh?” she laughed. As though she was her friend all this time and not my ex.
“Yeah something like that….Look girl I gotta be going…so…”
She walked me to the door, and she stood there looking at me as if I was to say something.
“Well girl, it was really nice seeing you again, and I really mean that!” I laughed
“Yeah it was…don’t be such a stranger okay? Ive missed seeing you, as a friend…”
She hugged me again outside her door “we were never friends’ carm.”
“I know.” She laughed “but there is a first time for everything baby…”
A heartbreaking mis-uderstanding
“Mom you have her things right? Everything you think you’ll need?” I asked panicking as I packed my weekend bag in the living room.
“Honey im sure for the last time, its two days, what could I possibly forget that she won’t need for just two days…”
“I know, but I worry you know that, I can’t help it.”
She nodded as she held my baby “I know…believe me…do you have everything?”
“I do, now I have to go if I don’t wanna miss my plane.”
“You haven’t told Justin have you?”
That made me smile. I lied to my boss; I said I had a family
emergency. This was true in a sense, it was an emergency that I see
my love again before he and I tore each other apart….
I knew that all this miscommunication wasn’t good; in fact it wasn’t
even close to good. I needed to see him in order to get things back
on track again. “Nope, it’s hopefully gonna be a total surprise!”
I kissed my mom goodbye, I kissed my baby and I headed off. I
hated planes but just this once I was excited, since I knew what would
be happening, when I got off at the other end.
No pun intended.
Getting off set that evening, I was more than happy to see the inside
of my car, my house and my bedroom.
I was tired as hell. Id been up since 4am and I think it was around six
pm…the last thing I needed was any visitors. So I ignored the car in
the driveway and made my way inside my room.
Landing on my bed I sighed a breath that id been holding in all day. I
was relieved to get lying down.
Harri was right when she said id regret doing a war film that takes so
much out of you physically. Plus that and my character is a complete
psychopath. Don’t get me wrong im loving the challenge but
sometimes I wish id opted for the rom com with Keira knightly, would
have been so much easier. But no, there I was still in my “army”
uniform, dirty and in grazed make up.
Id been lying there all of ten maybe twenty minutes when I heard
shuffling. I was too tired to think, so I assumed it was Trace.
“Dude I don’t care who called I aint moving from here okay? Give me
an hour then I do what I gotta do okay?”
“Oh, ill give you more than that!” I heard….but it defiantly wasn’t
Trace. I opened my eyes and leaned up. There was no one there.
I was convinced that it was my crazy tiredness, I thought id heard Harri.
“Hello?” I managed. No answer….
“Hello????” I asked again. “Who’s there?” this time I sat up. That's
when I saw the shadow on the door, coming in.
Either I was high and I didn’t know or it was harri coming towards me,
in her MAC coat.
“Hello stranger….” She grinned. Oh it was definitely her. She walked up
to me and she placed her soft chocolate hands on my neck.
“Harri?”
“No…Naomi Campbell, who you think it was? I grabbed her closer as
she leaned in to kiss me.
“Baby, what are you doin here? I can’t…I mean why…” I was staggered
what WAS she doin here.
“I wanted to surprise you…guess I succeeded there then baby?” she
smiled widely as she undid the buttons of her coat, to uncover the
sexiest lingerie id ever seen – not just on her, on anyone. Ever.
“Baby….” I looked her over more than once.
“What? You don’t like it??” she grinned something wicked, as if I
couldn’t like THAT.
“You look…amazing…” she nodded as I said that, pushing me back on
the bed.
“Had I known id catch you in uniform, all messed up and filthy I might
not have bothered with this…you’re the one with the sexy advantage
here j….” she looked me up and down as she ran her hand over my
buttons.
“Sexy as hell and I love the scars…make you look all….Mmmm” she
laughed as she kissed the side of my face, down my neck
“I have to be dreaming here…” I managed as she shed me of my top
half.
“Nope, its all real….and it’s all ive wanted for WEEKS….this is not
healthy for us you know that right? Now how do I get these pants off!”
she laughed out loud as I wriggled out of ‘em.
After she had me the way she wanted me we managed to finally get
under the covers, just the idea of her there, all sexy and warm…
Such a drastic contrast to what id grown used to over the last number
of weeks. Being in here alone and cold. She was soft and real, and
she wanted me, just wanting me.
That alone was enough to get me there….
“Har, ive missed you so, so, SO much!” I almost grunted as she dug
her teeth into my hip.
“Ahuh…” her hands and fingers made ther way up my body. Then
down again, then over my legs…then she stopped going where she
was going.
Came up and straddled me. “You know what, ive missed you too…I
think we shouldn’t postpone the best bit any more…enough foreplay.”
She demanded “I want you right now…” she whispered seductively into
my ear, as if someone would hear her.
“Right now?” I was still worn-out, but damn, how do you refuse THAT?
“Yes Justin, I want you to fuck me right now, got a problem with that
baby?” She smiled sweetly, but her eyes said something else.
No, No I definitely didn’t have a problem with that, at ALL!
When she kissed me again, I couldn’t even move she had be
captivated between her arms, as her mine roamed up her smooth
back and into her tousled hair.
“Right now?” I asked again.
“Unless you’re too tired?” she didn’t stop kissing me.
“No, im definitely up for this.” She didn’t say anything else she just
continued (with great speed I might add) to undress me, as she let
me relieve her of her clearly new underwear contraption.
“I love you Justin…” she said breathlessly. And I could do nothing but
reciprocate. I did love her, and more than anything, I had missed her.
The sun cracked through a tiny line in the heavily lined curtains, it
beamed all the way into the back wall of the bedroom, hitting the
mirrors as it did so.
She wasn’t awake, but I was – completely.
Even though the events of the night before should have, and did
leave me wrecked. I just needed to look at her, as gay as that sounds.
She wasn’t perfect; she had flaws just like me. But unlike ever other
woman id dated or loved, she actually had the courage to address and
admit those flaws. And that was just another reason for me to respect
her….she had balls. Metaphorically speaking of course, you know what
I mean.
She addresses me the way she wanted, she let me love her, and on
her terms….she had my baby.
So no, she wasn’t perfect, but she was to me. Its just sometimes I
wish she was different....More like she used to be, she used to be fun.
“Justin, what are you doin, it’s barely 8 am, cant we sleep in?” she
spoke finally groggy as usual for that time of the day, her thick New
York intonation coming through her with every word.
“Its okay you can’t go back to sleep if you want…”
“No…” she opened her eyes fully at that “No, ill get up…you want
breakfast?”
I thought about it for a second.
“How bout we go out for breakfast? I know this great waffle place just
opened….”
She smiled “with eggs?”
“Im sure they could manage that…”
Some thirty minutes later we were walking from the car, a half a block
to the waffle place. She linked arms with me as we walked “I like
this….us spending some time….alone.”
“I know me too.”
“Well when I say ‘alone’ I mean us and the ten maybe twelve camera
dudes across the street…”
I clinched my jaw, I knew I shouldn’t let them bother me, there was
shit all I could do about them any way.
“Pricks.”
“Yeah baby I know, but come on im hungry.”
We both quickened our step as we walked but they approached from
behind us any way.
“HARRI, JUSTIN WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, NEW YORK NOT
WORKING OUT….COME ON, ONE PICTURE….JUSTIN COME ON, CARMEN
NEVER HAD AN ISSUE WITH US…” they yelled
I saw harri roll her eyes as she griped my hand tighter as they yelled.
“Justin COME ON!!”
“Fuck off man, would you?!?!”
We entered the establishment; it was hectic enough for that time of
day, too hectic thank god for anyone to notice who or what had just
walked in.
“Sit J ill order K?” she pushed her sunglasses up on her head as she
adjusted the straps of her tank, the long gypsy skirt she was flaunting
hung low on her hips.
She came back a few minutes later, “they said they’d be a few
minutes….so listen, how is work?”
“Works, work…you?”
“Yeah its fine too, busy but good thank god, and zack been great
considering.”
“Who’s Zack?”
Her eyes shifted “he's just this guy that I work with.”
“Oh, how come you’ve never mentioned him before?”
“I…just…I dunno, he's just this dude…anyway he's just broken up with
his girl and considering everything, he's the one that's covering for me
so that I can be here this weekend.”
The woman approached the table with both plates, eggs, waffles,
toast, and followed by hot strong coffee. We both said our thank yous
and she left the bill.
“Well, tell Zack thanks, this is so great seeing you here….”
“I know right?” she tucked in “Im thinking less than a month and
maybe we can be out here full time. I mean I know that it’s gonna take a while for me to find a job an all…but I think that I could use the
time off, just for us you know?”
I nodded, “definitely, I think that's a great idea. I get a three week
break from the movie in about uhh two weeks I think…”
“Really?”
“Yeah it’s mainly cause its moving location and they have to prep, so
it’s cool that we all get the time off. Maybe we could go somewhere? A
vacation or something? It’s been a while since we’d gotten away
properly.”
She nodded mid bite, “that sounds so good right now. Getting
everything packed up…uhh it’s a pain in the ass ill tell ya that!”
“Im sorry that I haven’t been able to help…”
“Its okay” she smiled “but I did find a few…how could I put
this, ‘dubious DVDs’ of yours.”
Shit. I couldn’t help but expand my eyes, I knew what she meant.
She laughed. “Yeah, what was my favourite title…oh yeah ‘busty
bitches and the booty twins…”
I coughed, well more or less choked on the egg id been in mid
chew. “Uhh well actually….”
“Yeah?”
“I…I…well I thought id gotten rid of…well…” I took a gulp of my coffee.
“Justin come on, it’s not like I didn’t know you watched shit like that,
and to be honest…it was interesting…”
“YOU WATCHED THEM?”
“Noooo, well a few minutes of one of em’…and to be honest, dude it just…well it was funny more than ‘sexy’ how guys can get into that stuff
ill never understand!?”
She watched my porn, oh holy Jesus.
“But if you like em…” she shrugged
“No, look it’s not like I watch…like I do…it’s…” UGHHHH “harri I haven’t
used em since you and I got back together. I swear.”
She smiled “Look its fine really.”
“No, look I swear I really haven’t…”
“Justin” she touched my hand “it’s fine, I get it okay…look lets move
on shall we… Libby.”
“yes, Libby something good and pure…and not one of my
embarrassing secrets…” she laughed at me out loud then.
“she's gong crazy wondering where you are, no matter how much I tell
her your ‘ working’ she's confused I guess.”
“She won’t be when we’re together again….i know it’s been so unfair to
her, I mean shit since the day she was born she's been shifted from
place to another….”
“I know, but she's resilient, she's a quick study. Shes like you, she
accepts whats shes thrown into...Im guessing shes gonna love it here,
the beaches, the sun...come on!”
"I hope so, the last thing I want to do is screw her up..."
"Aw..." she smiled "Dont worry about that, we have years for that to
happen, and lets face it, its what adolescence was made for...Shes
gonna hate us eventually."
The first day with her, alone just catching up…it was perfect. Truly
perfect nothing or no one would spoil anything for us.
The second day though, that’s when things started to go a little south.
She came with me on set, she met the rest of the cast and things
seemed to be going okay. Until the shoot was running over, by three
hours. She had already spent the day in my trailer, being bored and
waiting on me, so I can’t really blame her when I got back to a rather
frosty reception.
“Are you finally done?”
“I am, come on…you want dinner? Im starving.” I grabbed my jacket
from the couch.
“No, ive already had more than enough from the craft service. Chloe
was sweet; she's fed me all day.”
“Who’s Chloe?”
“She's the A.A.D.”
“Huh?” she rolled her eyes as I exited the small kitchenette.
“The assistant, to the assistant director…duh!”
“Oh, okay well…how bout we go, Ill get something – take out or
something and we hit a few clubs?”
She was sitting on the leather couch, arms crossed. “nah ive been
sitting around here all day, im bored to death….waiting….i just want to
go get some sleep, I have to get a flight tomorrow remember, and
you know I don’t like to fly when im hung over.”
“Okay, so then what do you want to do…I thought we could finally just
hang out.”
“We can, at home.”
“Aren’t you bored being ‘at home’ all the time…I figured id show you
some of the night life here…get you used to it again?” was me or was
she being deliberately difficult?
“I just want to get some sleep, ill have to deal with a hyper child when
I get home tomorrow remember???”
“I remember harri. Jesus whats gotten into you?”
She rolled her eyes again “for FUCK sake stop doin’ that would you? I
just want you to answer me straight out.”
“FINE, Im bored okay, ive waited here for HOURS waiting on your ass,
but you kept messing up so ive been here three hours longer than I
should have been and im just plain fed up….waiting.”
“You knew I had to work, I told you, you should have gone shopping
or looked up those girls you used to hang with out here…but you
insisted on coming…”
“yeah well im sorry I did.”
“Really? Because you’re bored? Now you know how it feels…” I pulled
on my jeans and polo neck t-shirt. Not really meaning anything by my
comment.
“What's that supposed to mean?” her hands landed on her hips and I
knew that meant only one thing – a fight.
“it means now you know how I felt for almost six whole months, I
stayed at home and you went to work, now you know how boring it
was.”
“Looking after our daughter was BORING? Oh im sooo sorry.”
“Not that and you know it.”
“That’s what you were doin’ so explain….”
“That wasn’t what I was doing, I was with her, sure…but I was waiting
to be with you!!! But when ever you’d actually be at home you
were ‘too tired’ or ‘busy’ to do shit with me, as your boyfriend!”
“So you’re saying I neglected you? Because I worked and didn’t sit around all day like Malibu Barbie and cater to your every whim? Shit your pathetic!!” she did all that in a yell, that I was sure you could hear somewhere in Texas.
I stared her out for it for a few seconds “why you gotta bring Carmen
into this”
“Well she's what you want isn’t she? Someone who’ll put their life on
hold to be in yours…”
“That’s….that’s shit and you know it!”
“DO I?”
“YES!”
“Is that right? Well then whats this?” she threw a copy of the
Enquirer© at me. Front page was me and Carmen hugging – with the
caption “Carmen-around to her again Justin?”
“Har…”
“NO” she threw up her hand “Don’t even try and worm out of this shit
okay? Why didn’t you tell me you saw her, not just that but you WENT
to her….why?”
“She asked me too.” I said quietly. And she let out a laugh, like she
knew.
“That’s great Justin, just fucking great…Im outta here, im through
being your bitch, you know what…go back to her again…Im sure she’d
love a second round at it.”
She grabbed her purse “woman would you just listen to me for once in
your life…NOTHING happened!”
“That’s not what the damn photo tells me is it!!” She walked off and
slammed the door to the trailer.
Great, just great!
I knew she’d go back to the house, she was fuming, she hated me…
but then again I hated her at that second too.
She was so quick to judge, so quick to assume, and then just walk.
I hated that about her!
I walked in the door and I heard the loud booming of music coming
from the bedroom. I took the stairs two at a time and when I reached
my door I recognised the song.
Miss Carly Simon – you’re so vain, screamed out at me.
Bitch.
I walked over and turned it down, just as she walked out of the
bathroom with her make up shit.
"The reason she wanted to see was to tell me, in person, thats she's
engaged to that footballer...Thats all it was. And I know you want me
to hate her, but I can't....I congratulated her, thats it...." She didnt
answer me, she just kept on doing what she was doing...
“What are you doin?”
“Im packing…oh and listening to you and Carmens’ song…fitting isn’t
it?”
“So your just gonna leave, just like that?”
“Yup!”
“Typical!”
“Whats that now?” her eyebrow raised at me.
“I SAID THAT'S TYPICAL, typical of you!”
“Take that back!”
“No, its true isn’t it? Something gets tough you run like a little bitch!
When we got in shit the first time round, what was your solution? You
ran, all the way to Africa for fuck sakes…under the illuation that you’d
help them…that's shit, the only person that helped was you! Made you
feel better and got you out of making any decisions about us in the
process…then with Adam, you were so terrified to take it to the next
level with that poor shit that you fucked ME!!! Are you seeing a Patten
yet sweetheart?” I yelled at her, and I know it wasn’t the best thing.
But shit if she was gonna blow shit up, why should I just sit and watch?
Being apart and under pressure and just having her change like that
on me, make me build shit up…and hell that just wasn’t healthy.
“Justin you are so full of crap it's coming outta your ears! You think im
the only one who runs? Im not the one that spent years in denial
about what I wanted, you’re the one that did that with lil miss new
boobs, and now??? You want her back? Make up your damn mind
please, before I lose mine!!”
“I never said that, but again how would you hear me, you never SHUT
UP!!”
I saw the shock in her eyes when I yelled louder this time.
“You changed Harri, you really changed! The second you became a
mom, it was like the old you died or something. Your NOT fun any
more…everything is so serious with you these days…hell when was the
last time you and I just cut back and relaxed, last time you took off
work to just do nothing? Last time we had fun?”
Her eyes changed, like she was finally hearing what I was saying.
Then I saw the glistening of her tears, and I instantly knew id taken it
too far. “Justin…im….im not talking about THIS…or to you any more…”
she pushed me away as she walked out of the room with her
suitcase “you’re an asshole”
That's when I heard the front door slam.
She's right, I was an asshole. Totally and completely.
I knew the second that I left the house that I wouldn’t be the one to
fix this, not this time at least.
Sure we had both been a little insensitive to the situation, each others
that is…but damn, that bitch was mean when he wanted to be.
So no I didn’t go back, and we didn’t make up. I hopped on the next
plane to New York and sulked till I got home.
He was an asshole, and he was the one that was wrong….I hadn’t got
shit to do with this!
Right?
Getting back to the appartment tired and still annoyed I found it was
empty.
Clearly, since mom had the baby for another night…I wasn’t in the
mood to be alone, and I wasn’t in the mood to be…mom.
I just wanted to be me. So I picked up my phone and made some
calls.
“Zack…hey…remember when the office wanted to throw me a ‘bash’ for
leaving?”
“Yeah?”
“Let’s do it! I don’t feel like sitting around tonight? Are yall away home
yet? Or do I need to call and harass the girls?” I scoffed. It was 8pm.
“No need for that, most of us are still here…Come on over” I heard
the clatter of the background. It was sweeps week; none of us left the
office on those weekends, for it though we got some sweet over time
pay.
So it was a win, win.
I showered, changed and swept up my newly straightened hair. I was
gonna forget about ass faced and enjoy my last time at my office.
It was true, I was meant to have left it a week ago, I was meant to
have been packed and ready for LA in a week. But in all honesty I just
couldn’t deal with packing my shit, or Libby’s.
Justin assured me I could just ‘shop’ for new shit, but I like my old
stuff. Some of it id had since I was a teenager; I wasn’t just about to
let it sit in an empty appartment for months at a time.
I was a comfort person; I need things that I loved around me to keep
me…content I guess.
He wasn’t like that, he just wanted ‘stuff’ around him, it didn’t need to
mean anything, it just needed to look good.
Bit like Carmen in that respect I guess.
And at that point I was so mad at him I didn’t even want to go back to
LA. So mad in fact that id even contemplated calling the whole move
off and telling him to go fuck himself......
well, id reconsider that last part later, for right now all I wanted to do
was see my friends.
"You're kidding I can’t believe he said that!" zack announced loudly.
"Shhh, come on I don’t what the whole place knowing we had a fight
for god sakes...."
"Sorry..." he lowered his head sheepishly “im sorry. So wait what
happens now?”
I sipped the end of my drink “I dunno, but I know one thing, I am
NOT calling him!”
“Har, you love him.” He rolled his eyes “why I don’t know but you do.”
“I know, but I just don’t right now okay? He's being an ass…”
He nodded. “Looks like everyone is clearing out.” He glanced to the
door, and yes there was the last remaining of my co- workers waving
and laughing as I got my hugs and well wishes and they bolted out
the door, all more than a little merry.
“Looks like.” I checked my watch. “Ive had been here since what?
Nine? I have NOT been drinkin’ for six hours….” I groaned as I looked
for my coat. “I have to go Z…”
I hopped off the table that id been sitting on and put down my
millionth vodka.
“I really have to…I have to pick the baby up in the morning and I
really can’t deal with her when I have a hang over.”
“She a handful?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe!” I laughed as I pulled on my coat. “Listen
baby, tonight was really fun, and I think I needed it, if nothing else to
just take my mind off, things.”
“Any time.” He looked at me, really looked at me. The kind of look
that made me think that he knew what I looked like naked.
It scared me.
Because I liked it.
“Harri you do really love Justin don’t you?”
I didn’t look at him. “Of course I do…and only god knows why at this
point.” I laughed trying in vain to lighten up the sharp tension that
had suddenly arisen in the small office.
“Do you….” He turned me around by the arms, making me face him.
Then in a heartbeat, his lips were on mine.
It was wrong, it was unsolicited – I think…. But mostly it was deadly
wrong.
So I stepped away.
“Zack, I can’t…” I stepped back a little more, but not so much that I
didn’t see the look of hurt in his eyes.
“Im sorry, if I ever made you think that this is what I” I sighed “look
Zack say something.”
“you did make me think Shaharra, every day and you know it…but I
knew it was just a game to you…a little office flirtation….I knew that…
but I just couldn’t help it…” his eyes sort of glazed over.
“Zack…you’re great you know that! You know that! You and me? It
wouldn’t be a good idea, I can’t do this, I never could…I may hate his
guts right now, but Justin is a part of me…ive tried to deny it before
but I just couldn’t.” I put my hand on his “baby your way to good for
me any ways. Id drive you crazy….you don’t want that….”
He shook his head “I don’t get it, he makes you miserable!”
“I know it is insane, but he also makes me happier than ive ever
experienced with anyone…and I just can’t kick it, as much as id like to
sometimes.”
He looked at the ground “So that's it then?”
“We can still be – “
“Please don’t say friends!”
“Why whats wrong with that?”
“I can’t just be your friend….not after this…its embarrassing Har.” He
blushed.
“No its not…can’t we just forget this…move on? Please? Zack your one
of my closest friends I don’t want to lose this.”
He just shook his head “Im sorry…I just can’t…” he grabbed his jacket
and made his way to the door “ill see ya harri.”
And with that was the second of the two men in my life that id fucked
up with, in a matter of 24 hours.
Quite the achievement id say….
Pride, the hardest pill to swallow....
After zack left I managed to finish the last of the tequila myself, knowing full well that id have a headache the size of the damn Atlantic tomorrow.
Not that I cared, I needed something to take my mind off the Bain of my life that was men! They all somehow managed to worm their way into my life and then BAM, there I was makin out with them! It just made no sense.
But the more I sat in my office, for the last time looking out at my amazing view I though maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t them that was to blame….
Maybe it was me? shocker huh?
Maybe Justin was right, sure he’d gone the wrong way about telling me, but he had a point.
The second I found out I was pregnant, it was like the old me didn’t exist any more.
The fun loving girl who liked to do vodka jello shots off of people, who liked to party two days straight, who liked to just be heard and not seen…
She died.
She needed to, I needed to be responsible….but yeah possibly I took it a little too far, perhaps I did become “boring”, hot, but still…boring.
I knew because of his job it took a lot to shock Justin, it took a lot to surprise him or amuse him, he was surround all day everyday with these people who rubbed his ego, and lord knows what else if he was to request it, I was never an ego rubber.
I was real with him, always had been, but lately… id been feeling it too. The stress of being a “grown up” was getting to me, so yes he was right completely.
We needed to cut loose every once in a while.
For our own sanity at least….
After a what seemed like forever in a state of self-referential analysis I made my way home, getting lectured by my own mother as to “why Justin was hugging his ex, and why he’d left 11 messages on my machine….” It was all wearing me down, it was after all 3am. I hit the pillow and that's the last thing I remember till the late am…
****
It was after 4 and I was still wide to the world, nothing could shift the constant train of internal dialogue that was running though my head.
All to do with me, my choices, and my mistakes.
I had a lot of them, too many to count… the duet with Janet at the super bowl, sleeping with Janet before the super bowl, Alyssa; four of my dancers, proposing to Carmen, that stripper one time in Mexico that turned out to be a he….I saw the pattern that a lot of my mistakes involved women…
But Shaharra wasn’t one of those mistakes, she was the one good thing, the one good woman that I knew would always be real with me. No bullshit, no pretence, just her and her opinions.
Before id tired to get her out of my system, but that didn’t work. She's in my head and more importantly my heart. And there is no way id even want her out of it. So yeah maybe I just needed to suck up my pride and let her know that no matter what I was committed to us, for the long term, that she was the only woman for me, and that I loved her….
I waited to the half decent hour of 7am her time before I called – it damn near killed me to wait, because with all the thinking I did, the one thing I needed to do was talk…to her.
It rang a few times before her tired voice came over the line.
“Yeah?”
“Hey baby…”
“I should hang up….”
I laughed, “You should? Or you will?”
“What do you want???” her grogginess deepened as I sensed she got out of bed.
“I went to see Carmen because she asked me too, she told me she's engaged and she invited US to her wedding….I congratulated her, because as much as you hate her…I couldn’t….so yeah I hugged her goodbye, that's it, I swear on our baby’s life…”
She paused and I almost thought she’d hung up.
“I know…” she said softly. “Im sorry I jumped to all the wrong conclusions its just that my head was tellin' me one thing and my heart the other, I was pissed off at you, so I guess I listened to the wrong logic...”
“Thank you…”
“For what?” her voice pitched a little.
“For admitting you were wrong….”
“I wasn’t….okay I was…but don’t get used to it.”
"And for everything that I said, I was a complete....well I am so sorry for what I said."
"Im sorry too, but I think that even though you went the wrong way about it baby, I still think you might have had a point."
"I did?" it was turn to be squeaky voiced.
"Yes, I think you're right, I have changed....maybe a little too much for the sake of the baby, I haven’t been putting my own needs first - for a long time....and its started to affect you too! I never realised..." she sounded off.
“I love you Shaharra, you know that right? And its not just words, it’s…”
She laughed, “I know, I know it’s real… ‘Cause I feel it too baby. I really do - I just find it hard to show it all the time, you know?”
"yeah, I know that...its hard to be attentive all the time if you take someone for granted, I don’t wanna do that to us…I don’t wanna take us, or you for granted and wake up a year from now, and your gone? You know??"
We chatted for a little longer, and then she said she heard the baby, so I told her id call again…
At that moment though I felt like, even though we’d overcame the fight, I still kinda felt like she was anxious? Nervous for some reason or another?
Or maybe she was right, maybe I was crazy….
Thumping headache and a dry mouth didn’t even shift after id brushed and flossed, in fact it seemed to get worse.
Add to that the fact that Libby was overly hyper that morning, I was in hell.
“Mom can you take her for a sec till I shower?” I handed her over to my mother as she sat in my kitchen sipping her coffee.
“Sure….you look awful by the way…”
“Thanks…” I noted as I poured myself a large glass of OJ. “I talked to Justin.”
“Good, did you both sort things out? I hate it when you both fight, mainly ‘cause either me or Lynn gets dragged into it!”
“Well yes and no…I mean we’re talking again an all but I kinda forgot to mention something that I think he would kinda want to know…” I felt my guilt rise up again, and this time I didn’t even DO anything.
“What did you do?”
“NOTHIN’!” I looked at her and I instantly knew the look, it was the look I gave Libby when she messed things and just left them.
Damn I was turning into my mother?
“I didn’t do anything I just had a few drinks with some friends at work, and Zack was one of them- “
“The boy that has a crush on you?”
“No, mom he doesn’t have a….well okay maybe he does, but any way….he kissed me last night, something I know I didn’t ask for!!!!.”
Her eyes widened, “yeah I think Justin would want to know that alright….did you kiss him back?”
“No”
“Did you want to kiss him back?”
“NO! Well…maybe a little but that’s just cause I was mad at Justin, and I thought he’d been at it with Barbie…but I didn’t….”
“So then why not tell J?” She placed the baby’s bib on her in her highchair.
“I felt guilty I guess, I just…I don’t know, I want to tell him! But I just can’t do it over the phone!”
“Okay? So then what do you want to do? Wait till you leave for LA?”
“That’s not for two more weeks? I mean that seems too long, and if I leave it for too long, then he'll think that im hiding something!”
“I take it im gonna have to look after Libby again while you plane hop to Los Angeles” she said calmly before fixing he gaze on me. “Mom, id love you to…please?”
“Two days, that’s all I can take off work! This time lady make it right, cause I cant keep talking off work for you to fix all your screw ups!”
“Im sorry”
“No, don’t be sorry, just be real…I always taught you to be real baby…let’s try and keep it that way please!”
Apart from sounding like an inspiration to a bad JLO song she was right, and I did have to be real, the trouble now was getting Justin to know that!
She had called me to tell me that she was at the airport, something that I can say I wasn’t expecting AT ALL. I mean sure we'd made up but her hopping on a plane to see me? That I hadn’t foreseen.
It was a nice surprise.
What wasn’t so nice was the fact that, yet again, I was stuck on set when she arrived and I couldn’t even pick her up at the airport!
But when she did get there she was smiling.
She was in a pair of her famous booty hugging seven jeans and a tight skin colored cotton tank. My girl looked GOOD.
"Hey, look im sorry I just couldn’t get away, I really wanted to pick you up!" I greeted her with a pg 13 related kiss.
What? People were watching!
“Nah don’t worry about it, the cab was fine…” she followed me into my trailer as I got out of my costume.
“Yeah but still, you shouldn’t have to do that…I have more than enough transportation to get you here!” I smiled kissing her again “it’s such a surprise to see you though, I mean really this time!”
She laughed “I am random like that aren’t I? But I kinda need to talk to you, and it’s a conversation I didn’t want to have over the phone!”
She didn’t just say that, did she? Last time a woman said that to me Britney just suddenly remembered that she’d been sleeping with one of my best friends….that’s never a good sentence.
“Uuhk…what is it?”
She looked to the floor. Then she looked at me, and then she looked any where that wasn’t me.
“Baby….Look the last night, after I went back to New York, I was SO fucking mad at you, I mean really….
I could have killed you I was so damn mad! I hated you because you were an insensitive ass!”
God please let her have a point here?
“Ahuh, Annnnd?”
“Well I went to my office, and I had a few…quiet a few drinks actually with my friends….okay I got pissed” she walked back and forth in front of me, making me a little dizzy.
“Harri please?”
“Right, right, sorry. Look my point is that Zack…you remember Zack?”
“Work buddy right?”
“Right, well basically he confessed to me that he had feelings for me, and then he kissed me…”
“Shit?”
“I know….” She looked relieved, “its not like I was serious about the flirting, it just sort of –“
“You flirted with him?”
“Well yeah but it was all just a bit of fun, passing the time in the office. You do the same thing don’t even deny it!” she smiled, like everything was okay….
“So you think making girls blush and spill shit just by talking to them is the same as enticing and making some guy fall in love with you!”
“NO! And god, could you be any more damn forgetful!”
“What?”
“You’re the one that goes to lap dancing clubs with your friends, YEAH I know about that, and I know about the strippers, and the groupies before you and I got serious!”
She did?
“And that’s not the same thing? Come on now! She said in THE most sarcastic tone I think she could muster.
“Its not? Come on Harri. I know what its like to flirt with you remember? Trust me they’re aint no airs with it, you say what you want, and you say it in order to get what you want! Did you want that guy to be attracted to you?”
“NO! He’s just a friend….for god sakes we were both drunk, he just thinks that I might have wanted it…But I didn’t.”
“You sure?” I accused.
“Excuse me? I know you didn’t just ask me if I was SURE weather or not I wanted to cheat on you.”
“So you don’t think that flirting is cheating?”
“No, I don’t Justin, I really don’t. I think it was innocent, I think that it was fun and it was meaningless, just like his kissing me was.”
I shook my head, I just couldn’t believe it. She was being a total hypocrite.
“so wait a second, you come here, bite my head off over something so minuscule as a HUG with an old girlfriend when you were off getting drunk and getting kissed by some random work dude!
“Justin don’t be like this, it really wasn’t that big of a deal.”
“Neither was Carmen and me…but that didn’t stop you from blowing up a storm.”
“So? What? That means you get to start another one just to get even with me? Dude grow the hell up!”
I stood my ground.
“You know what; I can’t do this any more harri. I really thought in my head that I could, that I would work on us and it would be okay in the end, but I see now - nothing with you is ever easy! Nothing is just….this is just another road block, and its all adding up!!!”
“This what? Look I was trying to be honest with you? Isn’t that what you always want? Im being honest here and im telling you nothing happened, nothing that meant anything or lasted more than a millisecond! Why can’t you get that?”
“I don’t have the energy or the time to argue with you like this, I have work to do.” I went to walk out of my door, but she grabbed my arm.
“Don’t just walk out on me like this!”
“Why not? You did it to me!” I shrugged and walked out. Thoroughly pissed off at her.
I walked off and into the craft service area, where I achieved stares from just about everyone, all of whom had heard my little “lovers tiff” back in the trailer.
I felt like complete shit as saw her storm out of the door and off the lot completely.
Her face matched mine, complete and utter annoyance.
But I was right in being pissed wasn’t i? I mean I was!!
She came her the first time and completely chewed me out for something that had she trusted me, wouldn’t have been an issue in the first place.
Sure I trusted her, but at the same time….maybe I didn’t completely?
Maybe I was just being crazy like she said, but it effected me.
It was okay for her to go off and flirt insistently with some random man, and then have him kiss her, fall for her, but I can’t even visit on old friend?
That’s bullshit.
“Im right, right?”
“Dude….I don’t know!”
“Trace, you are NO help you know that right?” I took another sip of my JD on the rocks.
“Im sorry but I think she had a point at being pissed at you, this is you and Carmen for god sakes.”
“So?”
“So? Justin, this is the woman that she had to watch you with for almost 2 years, she had to see you both on cover after cover of magazines looking all loved up an shit, while she was either pregnant or looking after the kid you got her knocked up with. It cant have been easy for her now can it?”
“No I guess not, but come on we are SO over all of that, we’re engaged for god sakes.”
“And? That doesn’t mean her anxieties are just gonna disappear cause Carmen isn’t in the same room as y’all?”
“How do you know all this shit?”
“I saw it remember? And hey, I may look it dude but im not spaced off all the time, I pay attention to things, and I noticed all this shit, not just back then and how much it hurt her to see y’all together, but now, when you mention her movies or her on a magazine, I see her flinch – like it hurts her that you still care!”
Intense or what? I just wanted him to agree with me so we could get drunk and bash some bitches.
“Trace man when did this shit get so hard?”
“Whats that?”
“Love…trust and love….and being a grown up…. I mean don’t get me wrong I love liberty like nothing else on this earth and id give my right arm for her an all man, but its just…sometimes I just wish I could go back.”
“Back where?”
“Back to when it was easier I guess, to when I didn’t have to think and consider and weight up for the best option. When I could just say “fuck it” and get pissed or high and get laid just as easy. It was easy, it was better.” I was drunk; therefore you know I was sprouting more shit than usual.
“Nah man, you have it so good and you don’t even see it. I live that life remember? And yeah, it’s great…but after a while…” he looked around, obviously feeling the weight of the alcohol and squinted “but sometimes, I just wanna talk to someone who knows something about me…the real me you know? Like you and Har, you both know each other inside out, y’all have these memories and moments that you just don’t have with a one night stand or some chick who just wants you for the weekend!”
Okay so he had a point there, but I wasn’t about to admit it.
&&&&&&&&&
When I left his “lot” from his “movie” I was raging.
Again.
This really wasn’t doing my rage blackouts any good. I just wanted to hit him till he cried, which knowing him wouldn’t have taken all that long.
I was infuriated, I was being what he always wanted – honest! I was up front and I didn’t sugar coat it, it was just a 5 second kiss for crying out loud, with someone that yes, I may have fancied a little, but never in a serious – do something about it, kind of way.
I went into the house and his mother was just coming out the door as I walked in and slammed it.
“Honey? Hi! What are you doing here? Is the baby with you?”
“Not now lynn!” I said as I made my way to the stairs, and I stomped my way up them.
She had followed me up the stairs and over the long hallway to the main bedroom.
“Harri? Whats wrong? Have you been crying?”
“NO!” I chocked back the tears in defence of myself.
“Baby?” she sat down next to me on his unmade bed. “Come on now….what did he do?”
“We had this huge row, for like the second time in a week Lynn, it was awful!”
“What happened?” she asked me as I sniffled my tears away, and I told her. In detail about both times we blew up at each other, both times that we just went at each others throats and then stormed off like we always did.
“Oh…I see.” She rubbed my back.
“I know right? And to be honest it’s really starting to wear me down! I just don’t know how much more of this I can take Lynn….I mean I love him to bits, but right now? Its just SO hard”
“I understand baby, I really do. He's as stubborn.”
“As stubborn as what?” I looked up at her, and she smiled.
“As stubborn as you! You’re both so alike in some senses that it’s really insane!” she laughed; again, I wasn’t seeing why this was funny.
“Lynn, come on now that’s NOT true! He's being totally unreasonable for god sakes!”
“Suuure, I see that, but you can’t say your being rational either sweetheart. Look the way I see it, your both crazy, but your both crazy about each other too…so in a way all the insanity should cancel itself out….you know?”
“No!” I didn’t know whether to be touched or insulted. “Look Lynn no offence or anything but I just don’t think you understand here.”
She nodded simply as I walked around the room. Seeing the pictures of us on his side of the bed, his nightstand was decorated with our pictures – the ridiculous one that was taken at my 21st birthday it consisted of J and me with birthday hats on, sticking our tongues out at the camera, and the second one was of Libby and me on her first.
“Like I always say, you won’t solve anything by sulkin’ baby….talk to him.”
“I don’t want to, he's an ass!”
Yeah really mature aren’t I?
“Shaharra….come on?”
“What? Why do I always have to be the responsible one?”
“Because your brain isn’t in your pants…go talk to him!” she smiled and offered me a hug, which I accepted and she was on her merry way.
And as much as I hate to admit it, she was right.
I think the only way we’d be able to clear the air this time is to put all our cards on the table, show all our aces, be totally honest about everything each of us has been harbouring these last few months.
All the niggling doubts, all of it once and for all.
Author's Notes:
Second last one baby!
Making up is hard to do...
My feet hurt, id slammed into a door and then into the car that was supposed to take me home, I was jacked up.
I had stopped drinking and made my way in the door. The house was still lit up, so I knew she’d come home.
“BABY YOU HERE?” I yelled to no answer.
“BAAAAAAAABY” I yelled again. And then out of the dark kitchen she came.
“No need to yell im not in freaking England! Are you drunk?” came the New York tone that I knew so well.
“Yes, yeees I am!” I stood proud “I am…you got a problem wit dat?”
“No…” she cross her arms “cause ive been helping myself to you liquor collection. The vintage champagne for starters…ummhumm”
Bitch drunk my 3,000 dollar bottle of champers.
“Well im glad you enjoyed yoself.” I sat, well more stumbled onto the couch and she sat on the chair opposite.
“Harri I heed to talk to you.”
“Fine…because I need to talk to you too! You go ahead.”
“Im not sorry first off, im still mad at you…”
“Good.”
“Huh?”
“Good, Justin we have been doin this lil dance for weeks, months now and I can’t do it anymore, I think its time we came clean!”
“Bout what?”
“everything, anything that’s been bothering each other, about each other this last while…cause ill be honest baby I don’t know how much more of this I can take!”
“I know what you mean.”
“Cool….So you go first!” she smiled evilly “what do you HATE about me.”
Ah, now there was a loaded question.
“I don’t hate Nothin’ bout you baby…” I smiled, we were both sauced but I still knew what lines NOT to cross.
“Fine, what annoys you then?”
That I could answer.
“You’re too quick to judge me; you have that look most of the time”
“What look?” she looked shocked
“This look, like you expects me to screw up most of the time…and I don’t like it!”
“Fine, well you…you’re too flirty…with every female you meet, and I don’t like it, its like yeah – you’re pretty…get OVER it already, you aint that hot!”
Bitch.
“Fine, I don’t like the way you click you teeth when you’re thinking.”
“I do NOT click my teeth”
“Uh yeah you do, it’s like a tick…you don’t know your doin it!”
“Well if I don’t know im doing it, how will I know to stop?”
Ok, she had a point there.
“Ok” she started “I don’t like that you think you have to keep shielding me from things! Im a grown woman, and no man, woman or teenage girl is gonna break me….”
“So what you want to do about that?”
“its like when you go to award shows these days, its like you just assume I wont want to go…well maybe id appreciate being asked once in a while....” She shrugged.
“Ok I can do that.”
“Thank you.” She grinned a little but then went back to her “poker” face... “Continue”
“I don’t like that you won’t introduce me to your friends…”
“You know my friends.”
“No I mean the ones at work…the ones you see all the time…Like that Zack guy, hell I don’t even know who he is!”
Her eyes lowered “im sorry, but I just assumed you wouldn’t be bothered with all that? They’re just ordinary….not superstars and what not like your friends…”
Wow, did she really think I was that shallow
“You really think that little of me? That I wouldn’t be interested in them just cause they aren’t on the cover of Rolling Stone?”
She shrugged.
“Jesus thanks a lot!”
“Well? What do you want from me? You hate kali and Leesa!”
“That’s cause they just meddle and they have it in for me!” I admitted “and besides they scare me”
“They scare you?” she burst out laughing.
“Yeah…Leesa, man she's intense…and she keeps touching me…I don’t like it!” I admitted sheepishly.
She was still laughing.
“Justin im sorry…” she said still laughing, “I guess we’ve both been keeping each other out of the loop huh?”
“Guess so…” I uncrossed my arms. “And for the record, im sorry too.”
“But you said-“
“I know what I said, but it was bull…I trust you, I know you’d never do that to me…but you have to know…I wouldn’t do it to you either.”
She nodded “I know” she said softly “its just, you have so many other options…other women just willing and able to make your every fantasy come true, what’s that to a boring fiancée and baby…”
“Har, you’re not serious?” this sudden blip in her ever confidant armoury shook me.
“well, ive seen the way women act around you…no matter what age, and yeah it scares me a little…that’s mainly the reason I don’t volunteer to go out with you anymore, its like, if I don’t see it, I wont think it!”
I felt the need to hug her suddenly.
I dropped to my knees below her “baby, you know that id never-“she hushed me by putting her finger to my lips. “I know j…I know…”
“You’re the one….the one that I want to wake up with, every morning, for the next 60 odd years…”
“Good, cause I wouldn’t have it any other way…”
“For real?” I asked.
She smiled wide and showed me all her teeth as well as that sparkle in those eyes that I missed “for real….baby?”
“Humm?”
“Be my husband?”
I took her hands. “That Ms Green, I know I can do!”
Author's Notes:
Last one!!! GAH! I hope you enjoy it! :) Lots of love. Laura xx
Completely Spun....
Having considered everything that we’d been through, from the very, very beginning to now, it had been one hell of a ride so far hadn’t it? If you take into consideration – as I did – all of it.
All the pain both caused and inflicted, the love – requited and unrequited….all the lies, especially the lies and all the people they’d hurt in the process….and then there was the truth.
The truth that in essence sets you free? Remember that corny line…well whoever said it, they were right.
The truth, it does it things and let’s face it – without it we’d all be miserable.
Enough of my self involved ramblings, I had to get married.
As I stood in the bridal room of the Bel air hotel, a room that had been especially decked out just for me, with mirrors in every space to allow me a 360 degree look at me, myself and I. to see and admire just how I looked in the amazing one off, Vera Wang dress that was made for this day alone. Id taken all the dyes from my hair and replaced them with a few carefully selected blonde stokes here and there in order to lighten up my otherwise natural chestnut hair.
Id had it straightened and swept up into the most amazing creation, with two tiny white rose buds in the very back holding in all my hair with diamonds.
On top of that, for when I walked to the alter id be covered in a light lace veil that ran down the back of my dress and further on down, it ran for metres.
“Baby are you ready?” my mom peeked her head in the door, with her baby pink hat that matched her dress and wrap in hand.
“I am, come in mom.” I checked my hair one more time before reaching for my lengthy veil.
“God, you look so beautiful, like something from a fairy tale…”
“I know, that's what it feels like right now” I laughed, id been doing a lot of that, that morning. Then I saw the tears in my mothers eyes, “Mom, don’t! Because if you start, then I will…and ill ruin my make up!”
She shook her head, “im sorry, I just never thought id see this day”
“Thanks a lot mom!” I grimaced.
“No, no I mean you, my baby girl all grown and woman like…it’s wonderful.”
Oh, that's okay then, as long as she didn’t think id end up an old spinster!
“Speaking of baby girls, where's mine?”
“She’s with Lynn; she's fussing because she doesn’t want us to do her hair! And it was a fight to get her into her little dress too!”
“Well, she's a fighter” I smiled
“Harri, she's you”
“Huh?”
“Yeah, she's so like you at that age…so stubborn and self aware, the girl knows what she likes…”
“I know, you can bring her in if you want…I want to see her before we leave.”
My mom went next door to where she and Lynn where getting dressed too, they had the baby.
“Mom” came the little voice to match the little princess that's head popped through the door.
“Baby come in!” in she marched with her tiny baby pink dress and her hair all fro-ed out and wrapped in two pink bows.
“Mommy you look real pretty” she looked up at me and touched my dress. I picked her up “well so do you sweetie, did gran ma do your hair? Its beautiful!” I sweetened her up, if I didn’t she may just wreck the whole do, and set us all back!
“Thanks…are we gonna see daddy now?”
She may only have been three but my baby didn’t take after her daddy – she was sharp.
“Yup, remember what we talked about? We’re gonna go in front of all those people that we met at the dinner last night, and the minister, and mommy’s gonna change her name.”
“To daddy and mines last name right?” her little blue eyes questioned
“That’s right, and then daddy and I will be married…”
“Like gran ma and grand dad Paul?”
“Yup!”
“And we’ll live in daddy’s house here?”
“That’s right, you’d like that right? To stay here all the time….instead of going back and forth to New York all the time like we’ve been doing.”
“Ye-ah, I don’t like planes mom” she stated like they were evil.
“I know baby…” I saw my mom in the doorway again, “okay you go with gran and ill see you in a little bit okay?”
“Okay….” She smiled and kissed me on the cheek “cya”
She had quite the personality didn’t she?
Lynn then arrived into the room, followed my Kali and leesa.
“Shaharra you look….” She was already sobbing “so…”
“Thanks Lynn…have you seen Justin?”
“I have!” she smiled “he's a bag of nerves, and trace is just taunting him, he keeps saying you’ll come to your senses and not show up!”
“Well that's Trace for ya, but otherwise, he's good?”
“He’s wonderful…nervous but excited, he told me noon can’t come fast enough.” She smiled.
“Good, im glad, because…I feel the same!” again ill admit, I couldn’t stop smiling.
It was eleven thirty, and we had the beach awaiting.
We’d cordoned off a large section of a certain Malibu beach. Right off the beach house we’d purchased just weeks before.
That's where the wedding would be, and the reception would be at the house at various marquees that we’d have set up.
We agreed that after everything we’d been through that the stress of a huge media aware wedding would just either kill us or…well kill us.
So it was planned that we’d have family friends and a few others that we loved on the beach with us as we exchanged our vows.
Then? It was a free for all so to speak. The party was huge, and Justin had planned on inviting just about everyone he’d ever met, to as he put it, “show me off.”
I was so happy that we’d finally seemed to have settled into each other that I didn’t care if he invited US weekly.
I was getting married!!!!!
****
“Did you see my tie?” I asked Trace as he handed me my jack and coke.
“Nope….wait…” he shifted in his seat “this it?” held up my silk gentleman’s tie.
"Dude you realise its pink? That’s kinda queer isn’t it?"
"No...It’s the colour of the bridesmaids and Libby’s dresses so I have to match"
"Yeah, but pink?"
It wasn’t PINK, pink. It was light very light – almost white really so I don’t know what all the fuss was about. I was man enough to pull it off…No really I was.
"Just shut up, I like it...and besides im not as pale as I was, me and my new tan can pull this off..." I scoffed. Since Harri and I had just gotten back from an impromptu trip to Mexico - I was positively crispy.
"Are you ready, they'll be here in a little while" I looked around the new beach house, I loved it.
It was right on the water and it wasn’t just a "house" no, it was huge.
Not as huge as the one in the hills, but it was very nice. It boasted five bedrooms and two pools, as well as an impressive deck and balcony that circled the house itself.
It also had for its impression a private section of the beach, which caught the sun rise perfectly.
“I don’t really need this you know…” I held up my glass.
“Um, yeah you do…im telling you, ive been to dozens of weddings man, and your nerves will start soon, that” he pointed to my glass “will calm them down.”
“Trace I don’t want to be up there with the smell of whisky on my breath.”
“Take a tic TAC?” he said casually as my cousin the clown, Nick made his entrance.
“Dude the car just pulled up!”
I shot upright, “she's here? Lemme see!”
“NO!!” he pushed me back. “i’ve been given my orders not to let you out of here, this bedroom is where you have to stay till Har and the girls get into the living room, then im meant to take you down to the beach – where we wait I guess!!” he smiled “So sit the hell down.”
I sat back down again, knowing full well that I wasn’t aloud to see her, some shit about it being bad luck? That's shit, it was us, and I think we’d had all the bad luck there was to have for a couple.
I thought that, I didn’t say it; therefore I haven’t officially jinxed us.
Yet!
“Nick?”
“Yeah?”
“Go see her, tell me if she's okay?” I pleaded and he just rolled his eyes at me.
“Fine…you want anything from down stairs?”
I looked around again, “No I think I got everything.”
“Your nerves shaking you up yet?” Trace asked me from his sitting position on the balcony with a sneaky smile.
“Im not nervous, im just excited that's all…I mean im gettin’ married man, that a big step.”
“It’s meant to be the easiest one you ever take….isn’t it?”
“With my Harri? Of course! It’s just…I don’t want to fuck it up you know?”
“I hear ya.”
With that the bedroom door opened, but it wasn’t Nick or my mom, or my dads. It was Libby.
“Daddy, mommy said check on you.”
I smiled, as she looked up at me with curious eyes. “Im fine baby, how are you doin?” I picked her up.
“Okay, but gran-ma Lynn won’t let me have juice…”
Because she’d spill, she always spills.
“Ill tell you want, after we go down to the beach, Ill make sure you get juice…or better yet…a chocolate shake!!” I whispered and she smiled wider, bearing her two new teeth. “Cool im a tell mom okay?” she wriggled out of my arms.
“Lib” she looked at me again “what’s your mom look like?”
She laughed “she's pretty daddy.”
“Okay…go on!”
“He's okay right nick?”
His cousin chuckled “he sent me here to check that YOU were okay…what is it with you two, each one of y’all thinks the others gonna run away or something!!”
“Im not…”I glanced at everyone as they looked at me “I just wanted to know that's all, since this lot” I motioned “wont let me see him!”
“Girl, don’t play the blonde you aint, you know its bad luck…”
I groaned “see?”
He laughed again “ill go tell him and ill also get him down to the beach. It’s almost time”
I noted the time, and it was ten to 12. He was right. It was SO almost time.
“Okay…”
I huffed for breath again; my nerves were getting to me. Mainly because I knew that all our families and close friends were waiting on that beach for us to arrive.
I was nervous, but I was also really excited. I was going to be MRS, Mrs Justin Timberlake.
Now that could hardly be classified as a bad thing now could it?
I heard shuffling around the side of the house, but the doors were closed so I couldn’t see shit. But I knew it was him, mainly because of the walk…yes I even recognised his walk.
He was heading down to the beach, where everyone else but me and my mom would soon be following him.
As everyone kissed and wished me luck my ‘maids primped me one last time and told me they’d meet me there.
That left me and my mom. “You ready baby?”
“I sure am…bout time too don’t ya think mom?”
“Well…” she smiled “it’s only taken y’all six years in total…so yeah I guess it is about time.” We walked out of the double doors onto the sand “you know Shaharra, I know I gave him a lot of slack in the beginning, but now? Well I do love him you know….” She winked
“I knew his charm would wear on you eventually momma….he’s like that, he grows on you till you just can’t shake him off!” I laughed recalling how we first met “he just sticks like glue.”
“Handsome glue” she giggled.
We stopped at the end of the made up alter, that was build just for us. I heard music playing, a soft tinkling of a piano and violin that came from the 20 piece band. That mixed with the smell of the sea air, the roses and the light heat that beginning to rise made it breathtaking.
No one knew what we were doing that day, thank god. It was the middle of June and no one thought a thing of a “party” on the beach. And since we’d tipped the press to a different location, we were in peace. Thankfully for once.
As I approached my girls, they smiled and fixed my baby up and gave her the tiny silk pillow which held the rings.
“Now baby don’t rush, so you’ll not spill them ok” I cautioned
“Okay mom.”
“Okay….” I breathed in and out deeply again. “Y’all ready?”
Leesa and Kali smiled, as did my mom.
Then the music started playing, soft strumming guitar
And I knew it was time…at last.
My stomach wasn’t just doing flips, it was doing a whole circus worth of tricks. I was so nervous. I saw everyone, my friends, my parents, my step parents, Harri's family...Just looking at me.
I was starting to sweat.
"Dude she’s coming..."Nick pointed out as the music changed, I hadn’t even noticed.
I saw her finally, standing next to her mother and behind Leesa, Libby and Kali.
Girl im in love with you
This ain't the honeymoon
Past the infatuation phaseShe looked...Amazing, breathtaking, incredible. Whatever the word was for it, it just didn’t seem enough.
That was my Harri.
She smiled and I saw her laugh nervously, well, I wasn’t the only one then!
Everyone "awed" as they saw her pass by, her mom approached and placed her hand in mine, just as the preacher asked "Who gives this woman" her mom nodded and said "I do...Finally." And everyone laughed including us both.
She walked up to me, and the smell, her smell wafted over me. It was always something like strawberry or jasmines I could never tell what exactly. But I knew I loved it!
She mouthed a small “hi” to me, as I did the same to her.
This was it, we were getting married.
As the preacher began his ceremony, I could do nothing else but look at her. It all seemed to haze by. Kinda dream like and confusing at times, but I held her hand in mine and I knew it would be okay as long as she was by my side.
The preacher blessed us as a union, as a family, and as partners.
And she began talking, quieter than usual I almost heard her voice crack a few times as I saw familiar tears form in her eyes.
“Justin, when im with you…It makes everything else that’s not a part of us seems so unimportant. So trivial. Because I know that when im with you, I have the power to become the person i’ve always wanted to be, and that person doesn’t work with out you, I don’t work without you by my side baby…” she smiled “So today as we stand here in front of god, and all of the people that we both love and treasure, im vowing to love and cherish you, because you are the love of my lifetime - and not just this one, every one that might come after, and I know no one could ever give me what you give me, every day.
Your love lifts me up, no matter what…. I take this vow to become your wife, your partner and your friend – till death parts us both.”
By the end of her vows, I had to admit I was a little bubbly myself as I watched her try and stop her tears.
I coughed slightly, how did I follow something like that?
Right in the thick of love
At times we get sick of love
It seems like we argue everyday“Shaharra, when I met you I was at a crossroads in my life…I wasn’t sure where to go or who to trust with my heart and with my love.
Meeting you made my life seem worthwhile, you were the light that shone on me when I was at my darkest and you became my compass when I was lost.
Because I knew no matter what, with you at my side id be headed in the right direction…So today I stand in front of god and I vow to love you, cherish and respect you and I can only hope Ill become your compass so I can lead us both in the right direction – till death parts us.
“How are you feeling right now?” I asked her as we "jumped the broom" at her request and slowly reached the end of the aisle that led us both onto the beach; she smiled at me, that thousand watt smile I knew id never tire of seeing from her.
“Im feeling….excited? I guess that's the only way I can explain everything that's happening to me right now, it’s hard to explain!”
“I know what you mean, it’s like every inch of me is suddenly aware that its there you know? Its like I feel fully alive for the first time, and my body knows it….”
“I know what you mean, it’s like im tingling from head to toe…I think this is happiness j?” we stopped right in from of the first marquee.
“You ready for this?” she asked me nudging me slightly.
“After you Mrs Timberlake…” now it was turn to smile like the idiot I was, and you know what? I just couldn’t help it!
The entrance to the marquee opened and we heard the applause as soon as the drapes widened, I also heard Trace’s voice coming from inside via a mike. He introduced us for the first time as Mr and Mrs Timberlake, and I had to admit that fact made me pretty damn happy.
The large tent was decked out to perfection, a creation of my wife’s imagination, and it was truly amazing.
I know i misbehaved
And you made your mistakesThe lighting was key she said, and it seemed she was, as always, right. There were deep set lights in every corner that let a soft haze drift through the crowds, the band were set up on the opening to the beach so they could be heard throughout the entire place no matter where you were. They played soft Jazz and strings to entertain as we spoke to all our guests who all wished us well and congratulated us both, the colour scheme was amazing it was pink – of course, it was after all harri’s signature colour, it was the back drop and material of that baby pink covered all the tables, and on top were these amazing centre pieces of overly huge pink roses wrapped in silk with tiny white light bulbs inside to illumine the tables themselves.
It was like her, breathtaking.
“Well, y’all finally made it baby.” I heard my mother’s familiar drawl approach me as I talked with JC and Joey.
“I know right? Took us long enough” I kissed her on the cheek as she embraced me. “Where’s Paul?”
She rolled her eyes, “he's having a deep conversation with Hill, something about her retirement fund options? I dunno? He's always working I guess…but enough ‘bout him, where's my new daughter in law?”
I heard her laughter even before I saw her; she was standing with Kali champagne in hand her laugh just seemed to travel through the entire marquee, “excuse me…” my mom made a b-line for her as she talked, and she immediately went into a cuddle, the jolly kind that meant she was seconds away from jumping up and down.
And we both still got room left to grow
And though love sometimes hurts
I still put you firstWell that was my mom, she was crazy. As I saw Leesa approach me, I tensed up. I was sure she was just gonna get on my case again about how I should and should not treat her friend, which I know is meant to be her “job” or whatever, but I was her husband now – she didn’t have to meddle.
“hey leesa, havin’ fun?” I managed a smile.
“Im having a great time, you sure know how to throw a party, I just ran into Mariah Carey in the bathroom dude!” she laughed, and im not kidding I always thought witches couldn’t do?
“Um, well that's cool I guess?” I handed her a glass of what ever it was the waitress offered me.
“So I see harri’s having a ball…she needed this you know.”
“This?”
And we'll make this thing work
But I think we should take it slow“a fun day, with the people she loves” she looked around the room “and im glad you could do that for her man.”
“I can do a lot more for her you know, not just nice parties or pretty things Leesa, and I know that's what you’ve always thought of me…”
“What’s that?”
“That I was just some dude, who’d buy my way into her heart….Ive always known that.” I sipped my drink as we both observed the going’s on, on the dance floor.
We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people“That’s not….” She looked me square in the eye “okay so yeah maybe I did think that, and yeah maybe I thought you were just some asshole who was just fucking with her….”
“Thought?” I grinned in surprise “don’t tell me you’ve actually stopped hating me enough to see the real me now?”
This ain't a movie no
No fairy tale conclusion ya'll
It gets more confusing everyday“Me?” she laughed “never…hating you is my all time favourite hobby.” She jammed me in the shoulder “but seriously, I see now that its you…LORD only knows why, but its you that makes my girl happy….So….I guess im okay with that.”
“Ghee, thanks…”
Sometimes it's heaven sent
Then we head back to hell again
We kiss then we make up on the wayshe rolled her eyes and walked away smiling, just as my new and ever beauteous wife came into view.
“Hey…what’s going on?” she embraced me again
“Nothin’ we were just talking…”
“Talking? You two? Never….” She looked around dramatically “But there were no chairs smashed, no yelling, HOW can this be!” she giggled. I loved her giggle.
I hang up you call
We rise and we fall
And we feel like just walking away
As our love advances
We take second chances“Mrs Timberlake?”
“Mmmm?”
“Dance with me….” I took her hand and led her again out into the crowded dance floor. I don’t think id ever get tired of dancing with her.
I was a married woman? Something I was sure would never happen in reality. Not just with Justin and the merry go round we rode but in general, I just wasn’t one of those little girls that planned her wedding from the age of 5. I think it was due to the lack of a male role model, I was raised by a woman, alone. I didn’t need a man in my life to make it complete, to make me complete or to even make me happy? Or at least that's what I always thought, then I met his ass and my whole opinion changed I guess, and I realised no matter how silly or immature he was ( or is) that I needed a little of his silliness to off set my serious side. It was an even trade you could say.
Though it's not a fantasy
I Still want you to stay“Baby…” I asked as we swayed to the soft music that helped fill up the glass dance floor filled with lights.
Take it slow
Maybe we'll live and learn
Maybe we'll crash and burn
Maybe you'll stay, maybe you'll leave,
maybe you'll return
Maybe another fight“Humm?” he lowered his head to my mouth so that he could hear me properly, he always did that, since I was a midget practically.
“I have something to tell you.” I grinned again, I knew I had something to tell him but id been keeping it to myself for weeks, mostly it was because I wanted it to be the right time, and with the wedding and his schedule being what it was with the tour at that time, the right time, just never seemed to arrive.
“What’s that sweetheart?”
“Well first off I want you to know that today has been the happiest day of my life…” I kissed him once “and that I don’t think I could ever ask for anything more in a man that I have in you…”
“Aww I think the champagne has gone to your head, you’re never usually this direct Har?” he scoffed.
“No…I only had one glass…”
“For real? Oh, here I was thinking Id get you sauced up for tonight” he winked playfully. “you should SEE what I have planned for our honeymoon….I know you’ll love it!”
“I know I will, ill be with you wont I?” I agreed with a nodded, and he knew then to listen up. “Baby….”
We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people“Harri…I love you too” he interrupted “and this is it for me, you and Libby and us….” I think he was boarding on tipsy “and that as messed up as you and I have been, I promise I won’t spin any more shit, Im spun out baby….” He finished for me with a deep kiss. Deeper that I would have gone for in front of all our friends, but whatever right?
As we parted again the song changed.
“Baby, I love you, but that's not what I wanted to say.”
His eyebrows raised “ooh, im sorry darlin’ carry on…” he giggled warmly, he really was happy. And I just couldn’t wait to tell him, just how happy my news made me…
“Justin, im pregnant!”
He wasn’t the only one that had been spun, right round and back again now was he?
This time we'll take it slowThe end
Lyrics : JOHN LEGEND
Ordinary people!
Author's Notes:
Last one!!! GAH! I hope you enjoy it! :) Lots of love. Laura xx
Completely Spun....
Having considered everything that we’d been through, from the very, very beginning to now, it had been one hell of a ride so far hadn’t it? If you take into consideration – as I did – all of it.
All the pain both caused and inflicted, the love – requited and unrequited….all the lies, especially the lies and all the people they’d hurt in the process….and then there was the truth.
The truth that in essence sets you free? Remember that corny line…well whoever said it, they were right.
The truth, it does it things and let’s face it – without it we’d all be miserable.
Enough of my self involved ramblings, I had to get married.
As I stood in the bridal room of the Bel air hotel, a room that had been especially decked out just for me, with mirrors in every space to allow me a 360 degree look at me, myself and I. to see and admire just how I looked in the amazing one off, Vera Wang dress that was made for this day alone. Id taken all the dyes from my hair and replaced them with a few carefully selected blonde stokes here and there in order to lighten up my otherwise natural chestnut hair.
Id had it straightened and swept up into the most amazing creation, with two tiny white rose buds in the very back holding in all my hair with diamonds.
On top of that, for when I walked to the alter id be covered in a light lace veil that ran down the back of my dress and further on down, it ran for metres.
“Baby are you ready?” my mom peeked her head in the door, with her baby pink hat that matched her dress and wrap in hand.
“I am, come in mom.” I checked my hair one more time before reaching for my lengthy veil.
“God, you look so beautiful, like something from a fairy tale…”
“I know, that's what it feels like right now” I laughed, id been doing a lot of that, that morning. Then I saw the tears in my mothers eyes, “Mom, don’t! Because if you start, then I will…and ill ruin my make up!”
She shook her head, “im sorry, I just never thought id see this day”
“Thanks a lot mom!” I grimaced.
“No, no I mean you, my baby girl all grown and woman like…it’s wonderful.”
Oh, that's okay then, as long as she didn’t think id end up an old spinster!
“Speaking of baby girls, where's mine?”
“She’s with Lynn; she's fussing because she doesn’t want us to do her hair! And it was a fight to get her into her little dress too!”
“Well, she's a fighter” I smiled
“Harri, she's you”
“Huh?”
“Yeah, she's so like you at that age…so stubborn and self aware, the girl knows what she likes…”
“I know, you can bring her in if you want…I want to see her before we leave.”
My mom went next door to where she and Lynn where getting dressed too, they had the baby.
“Mom” came the little voice to match the little princess that's head popped through the door.
“Baby come in!” in she marched with her tiny baby pink dress and her hair all fro-ed out and wrapped in two pink bows.
“Mommy you look real pretty” she looked up at me and touched my dress. I picked her up “well so do you sweetie, did gran ma do your hair? Its beautiful!” I sweetened her up, if I didn’t she may just wreck the whole do, and set us all back!
“Thanks…are we gonna see daddy now?”
She may only have been three but my baby didn’t take after her daddy – she was sharp.
“Yup, remember what we talked about? We’re gonna go in front of all those people that we met at the dinner last night, and the minister, and mommy’s gonna change her name.”
“To daddy and mines last name right?” her little blue eyes questioned
“That’s right, and then daddy and I will be married…”
“Like gran ma and grand dad Paul?”
“Yup!”
“And we’ll live in daddy’s house here?”
“That’s right, you’d like that right? To stay here all the time….instead of going back and forth to New York all the time like we’ve been doing.”
“Ye-ah, I don’t like planes mom” she stated like they were evil.
“I know baby…” I saw my mom in the doorway again, “okay you go with gran and ill see you in a little bit okay?”
“Okay….” She smiled and kissed me on the cheek “cya”
She had quite the personality didn’t she?
Lynn then arrived into the room, followed my Kali and leesa.
“Shaharra you look….” She was already sobbing “so…”
“Thanks Lynn…have you seen Justin?”
“I have!” she smiled “he's a bag of nerves, and trace is just taunting him, he keeps saying you’ll come to your senses and not show up!”
“Well that's Trace for ya, but otherwise, he's good?”
“He’s wonderful…nervous but excited, he told me noon can’t come fast enough.” She smiled.
“Good, im glad, because…I feel the same!” again ill admit, I couldn’t stop smiling.
It was eleven thirty, and we had the beach awaiting.
We’d cordoned off a large section of a certain Malibu beach. Right off the beach house we’d purchased just weeks before.
That's where the wedding would be, and the reception would be at the house at various marquees that we’d have set up.
We agreed that after everything we’d been through that the stress of a huge media aware wedding would just either kill us or…well kill us.
So it was planned that we’d have family friends and a few others that we loved on the beach with us as we exchanged our vows.
Then? It was a free for all so to speak. The party was huge, and Justin had planned on inviting just about everyone he’d ever met, to as he put it, “show me off.”
I was so happy that we’d finally seemed to have settled into each other that I didn’t care if he invited US weekly.
I was getting married!!!!!
****
“Did you see my tie?” I asked Trace as he handed me my jack and coke.
“Nope….wait…” he shifted in his seat “this it?” held up my silk gentleman’s tie.
"Dude you realise its pink? That’s kinda queer isn’t it?"
"No...It’s the colour of the bridesmaids and Libby’s dresses so I have to match"
"Yeah, but pink?"
It wasn’t PINK, pink. It was light very light – almost white really so I don’t know what all the fuss was about. I was man enough to pull it off…No really I was.
"Just shut up, I like it...and besides im not as pale as I was, me and my new tan can pull this off..." I scoffed. Since Harri and I had just gotten back from an impromptu trip to Mexico - I was positively crispy.
"Are you ready, they'll be here in a little while" I looked around the new beach house, I loved it.
It was right on the water and it wasn’t just a "house" no, it was huge.
Not as huge as the one in the hills, but it was very nice. It boasted five bedrooms and two pools, as well as an impressive deck and balcony that circled the house itself.
It also had for its impression a private section of the beach, which caught the sun rise perfectly.
“I don’t really need this you know…” I held up my glass.
“Um, yeah you do…im telling you, ive been to dozens of weddings man, and your nerves will start soon, that” he pointed to my glass “will calm them down.”
“Trace I don’t want to be up there with the smell of whisky on my breath.”
“Take a tic TAC?” he said casually as my cousin the clown, Nick made his entrance.
“Dude the car just pulled up!”
I shot upright, “she's here? Lemme see!”
“NO!!” he pushed me back. “i’ve been given my orders not to let you out of here, this bedroom is where you have to stay till Har and the girls get into the living room, then im meant to take you down to the beach – where we wait I guess!!” he smiled “So sit the hell down.”
I sat back down again, knowing full well that I wasn’t aloud to see her, some shit about it being bad luck? That's shit, it was us, and I think we’d had all the bad luck there was to have for a couple.
I thought that, I didn’t say it; therefore I haven’t officially jinxed us.
Yet!
“Nick?”
“Yeah?”
“Go see her, tell me if she's okay?” I pleaded and he just rolled his eyes at me.
“Fine…you want anything from down stairs?”
I looked around again, “No I think I got everything.”
“Your nerves shaking you up yet?” Trace asked me from his sitting position on the balcony with a sneaky smile.
“Im not nervous, im just excited that's all…I mean im gettin’ married man, that a big step.”
“It’s meant to be the easiest one you ever take….isn’t it?”
“With my Harri? Of course! It’s just…I don’t want to fuck it up you know?”
“I hear ya.”
With that the bedroom door opened, but it wasn’t Nick or my mom, or my dads. It was Libby.
“Daddy, mommy said check on you.”
I smiled, as she looked up at me with curious eyes. “Im fine baby, how are you doin?” I picked her up.
“Okay, but gran-ma Lynn won’t let me have juice…”
Because she’d spill, she always spills.
“Ill tell you want, after we go down to the beach, Ill make sure you get juice…or better yet…a chocolate shake!!” I whispered and she smiled wider, bearing her two new teeth. “Cool im a tell mom okay?” she wriggled out of my arms.
“Lib” she looked at me again “what’s your mom look like?”
She laughed “she's pretty daddy.”
“Okay…go on!”
“He's okay right nick?”
His cousin chuckled “he sent me here to check that YOU were okay…what is it with you two, each one of y’all thinks the others gonna run away or something!!”
“Im not…”I glanced at everyone as they looked at me “I just wanted to know that's all, since this lot” I motioned “wont let me see him!”
“Girl, don’t play the blonde you aint, you know its bad luck…”
I groaned “see?”
He laughed again “ill go tell him and ill also get him down to the beach. It’s almost time”
I noted the time, and it was ten to 12. He was right. It was SO almost time.
“Okay…”
I huffed for breath again; my nerves were getting to me. Mainly because I knew that all our families and close friends were waiting on that beach for us to arrive.
I was nervous, but I was also really excited. I was going to be MRS, Mrs Justin Timberlake.
Now that could hardly be classified as a bad thing now could it?
I heard shuffling around the side of the house, but the doors were closed so I couldn’t see shit. But I knew it was him, mainly because of the walk…yes I even recognised his walk.
He was heading down to the beach, where everyone else but me and my mom would soon be following him.
As everyone kissed and wished me luck my ‘maids primped me one last time and told me they’d meet me there.
That left me and my mom. “You ready baby?”
“I sure am…bout time too don’t ya think mom?”
“Well…” she smiled “it’s only taken y’all six years in total…so yeah I guess it is about time.” We walked out of the double doors onto the sand “you know Shaharra, I know I gave him a lot of slack in the beginning, but now? Well I do love him you know….” She winked
“I knew his charm would wear on you eventually momma….he’s like that, he grows on you till you just can’t shake him off!” I laughed recalling how we first met “he just sticks like glue.”
“Handsome glue” she giggled.
We stopped at the end of the made up alter, that was build just for us. I heard music playing, a soft tinkling of a piano and violin that came from the 20 piece band. That mixed with the smell of the sea air, the roses and the light heat that beginning to rise made it breathtaking.
No one knew what we were doing that day, thank god. It was the middle of June and no one thought a thing of a “party” on the beach. And since we’d tipped the press to a different location, we were in peace. Thankfully for once.
As I approached my girls, they smiled and fixed my baby up and gave her the tiny silk pillow which held the rings.
“Now baby don’t rush, so you’ll not spill them ok” I cautioned
“Okay mom.”
“Okay….” I breathed in and out deeply again. “Y’all ready?”
Leesa and Kali smiled, as did my mom.
Then the music started playing, soft strumming guitar
And I knew it was time…at last.
My stomach wasn’t just doing flips, it was doing a whole circus worth of tricks. I was so nervous. I saw everyone, my friends, my parents, my step parents, Harri's family...Just looking at me.
I was starting to sweat.
"Dude she’s coming..."Nick pointed out as the music changed, I hadn’t even noticed.
I saw her finally, standing next to her mother and behind Leesa, Libby and Kali.
Girl im in love with you
This ain't the honeymoon
Past the infatuation phaseShe looked...Amazing, breathtaking, incredible. Whatever the word was for it, it just didn’t seem enough.
That was my Harri.
She smiled and I saw her laugh nervously, well, I wasn’t the only one then!
Everyone "awed" as they saw her pass by, her mom approached and placed her hand in mine, just as the preacher asked "Who gives this woman" her mom nodded and said "I do...Finally." And everyone laughed including us both.
She walked up to me, and the smell, her smell wafted over me. It was always something like strawberry or jasmines I could never tell what exactly. But I knew I loved it!
She mouthed a small “hi” to me, as I did the same to her.
This was it, we were getting married.
As the preacher began his ceremony, I could do nothing else but look at her. It all seemed to haze by. Kinda dream like and confusing at times, but I held her hand in mine and I knew it would be okay as long as she was by my side.
The preacher blessed us as a union, as a family, and as partners.
And she began talking, quieter than usual I almost heard her voice crack a few times as I saw familiar tears form in her eyes.
“Justin, when im with you…It makes everything else that’s not a part of us seems so unimportant. So trivial. Because I know that when im with you, I have the power to become the person i’ve always wanted to be, and that person doesn’t work with out you, I don’t work without you by my side baby…” she smiled “So today as we stand here in front of god, and all of the people that we both love and treasure, im vowing to love and cherish you, because you are the love of my lifetime - and not just this one, every one that might come after, and I know no one could ever give me what you give me, every day.
Your love lifts me up, no matter what…. I take this vow to become your wife, your partner and your friend – till death parts us both.”
By the end of her vows, I had to admit I was a little bubbly myself as I watched her try and stop her tears.
I coughed slightly, how did I follow something like that?
Right in the thick of love
At times we get sick of love
It seems like we argue everyday“Shaharra, when I met you I was at a crossroads in my life…I wasn’t sure where to go or who to trust with my heart and with my love.
Meeting you made my life seem worthwhile, you were the light that shone on me when I was at my darkest and you became my compass when I was lost.
Because I knew no matter what, with you at my side id be headed in the right direction…So today I stand in front of god and I vow to love you, cherish and respect you and I can only hope Ill become your compass so I can lead us both in the right direction – till death parts us.
“How are you feeling right now?” I asked her as we "jumped the broom" at her request and slowly reached the end of the aisle that led us both onto the beach; she smiled at me, that thousand watt smile I knew id never tire of seeing from her.
“Im feeling….excited? I guess that's the only way I can explain everything that's happening to me right now, it’s hard to explain!”
“I know what you mean, it’s like every inch of me is suddenly aware that its there you know? Its like I feel fully alive for the first time, and my body knows it….”
“I know what you mean, it’s like im tingling from head to toe…I think this is happiness j?” we stopped right in from of the first marquee.
“You ready for this?” she asked me nudging me slightly.
“After you Mrs Timberlake…” now it was turn to smile like the idiot I was, and you know what? I just couldn’t help it!
The entrance to the marquee opened and we heard the applause as soon as the drapes widened, I also heard Trace’s voice coming from inside via a mike. He introduced us for the first time as Mr and Mrs Timberlake, and I had to admit that fact made me pretty damn happy.
The large tent was decked out to perfection, a creation of my wife’s imagination, and it was truly amazing.
I know i misbehaved
And you made your mistakesThe lighting was key she said, and it seemed she was, as always, right. There were deep set lights in every corner that let a soft haze drift through the crowds, the band were set up on the opening to the beach so they could be heard throughout the entire place no matter where you were. They played soft Jazz and strings to entertain as we spoke to all our guests who all wished us well and congratulated us both, the colour scheme was amazing it was pink – of course, it was after all harri’s signature colour, it was the back drop and material of that baby pink covered all the tables, and on top were these amazing centre pieces of overly huge pink roses wrapped in silk with tiny white light bulbs inside to illumine the tables themselves.
It was like her, breathtaking.
“Well, y’all finally made it baby.” I heard my mother’s familiar drawl approach me as I talked with JC and Joey.
“I know right? Took us long enough” I kissed her on the cheek as she embraced me. “Where’s Paul?”
She rolled her eyes, “he's having a deep conversation with Hill, something about her retirement fund options? I dunno? He's always working I guess…but enough ‘bout him, where's my new daughter in law?”
I heard her laughter even before I saw her; she was standing with Kali champagne in hand her laugh just seemed to travel through the entire marquee, “excuse me…” my mom made a b-line for her as she talked, and she immediately went into a cuddle, the jolly kind that meant she was seconds away from jumping up and down.
And we both still got room left to grow
And though love sometimes hurts
I still put you firstWell that was my mom, she was crazy. As I saw Leesa approach me, I tensed up. I was sure she was just gonna get on my case again about how I should and should not treat her friend, which I know is meant to be her “job” or whatever, but I was her husband now – she didn’t have to meddle.
“hey leesa, havin’ fun?” I managed a smile.
“Im having a great time, you sure know how to throw a party, I just ran into Mariah Carey in the bathroom dude!” she laughed, and im not kidding I always thought witches couldn’t do?
“Um, well that's cool I guess?” I handed her a glass of what ever it was the waitress offered me.
“So I see harri’s having a ball…she needed this you know.”
“This?”
And we'll make this thing work
But I think we should take it slow“a fun day, with the people she loves” she looked around the room “and im glad you could do that for her man.”
“I can do a lot more for her you know, not just nice parties or pretty things Leesa, and I know that's what you’ve always thought of me…”
“What’s that?”
“That I was just some dude, who’d buy my way into her heart….Ive always known that.” I sipped my drink as we both observed the going’s on, on the dance floor.
We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people“That’s not….” She looked me square in the eye “okay so yeah maybe I did think that, and yeah maybe I thought you were just some asshole who was just fucking with her….”
“Thought?” I grinned in surprise “don’t tell me you’ve actually stopped hating me enough to see the real me now?”
This ain't a movie no
No fairy tale conclusion ya'll
It gets more confusing everyday“Me?” she laughed “never…hating you is my all time favourite hobby.” She jammed me in the shoulder “but seriously, I see now that its you…LORD only knows why, but its you that makes my girl happy….So….I guess im okay with that.”
“Ghee, thanks…”
Sometimes it's heaven sent
Then we head back to hell again
We kiss then we make up on the wayshe rolled her eyes and walked away smiling, just as my new and ever beauteous wife came into view.
“Hey…what’s going on?” she embraced me again
“Nothin’ we were just talking…”
“Talking? You two? Never….” She looked around dramatically “But there were no chairs smashed, no yelling, HOW can this be!” she giggled. I loved her giggle.
I hang up you call
We rise and we fall
And we feel like just walking away
As our love advances
We take second chances“Mrs Timberlake?”
“Mmmm?”
“Dance with me….” I took her hand and led her again out into the crowded dance floor. I don’t think id ever get tired of dancing with her.
I was a married woman? Something I was sure would never happen in reality. Not just with Justin and the merry go round we rode but in general, I just wasn’t one of those little girls that planned her wedding from the age of 5. I think it was due to the lack of a male role model, I was raised by a woman, alone. I didn’t need a man in my life to make it complete, to make me complete or to even make me happy? Or at least that's what I always thought, then I met his ass and my whole opinion changed I guess, and I realised no matter how silly or immature he was ( or is) that I needed a little of his silliness to off set my serious side. It was an even trade you could say.
Though it's not a fantasy
I Still want you to stay“Baby…” I asked as we swayed to the soft music that helped fill up the glass dance floor filled with lights.
Take it slow
Maybe we'll live and learn
Maybe we'll crash and burn
Maybe you'll stay, maybe you'll leave,
maybe you'll return
Maybe another fight“Humm?” he lowered his head to my mouth so that he could hear me properly, he always did that, since I was a midget practically.
“I have something to tell you.” I grinned again, I knew I had something to tell him but id been keeping it to myself for weeks, mostly it was because I wanted it to be the right time, and with the wedding and his schedule being what it was with the tour at that time, the right time, just never seemed to arrive.
“What’s that sweetheart?”
“Well first off I want you to know that today has been the happiest day of my life…” I kissed him once “and that I don’t think I could ever ask for anything more in a man that I have in you…”
“Aww I think the champagne has gone to your head, you’re never usually this direct Har?” he scoffed.
“No…I only had one glass…”
“For real? Oh, here I was thinking Id get you sauced up for tonight” he winked playfully. “you should SEE what I have planned for our honeymoon….I know you’ll love it!”
“I know I will, ill be with you wont I?” I agreed with a nodded, and he knew then to listen up. “Baby….”
We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people“Harri…I love you too” he interrupted “and this is it for me, you and Libby and us….” I think he was boarding on tipsy “and that as messed up as you and I have been, I promise I won’t spin any more shit, Im spun out baby….” He finished for me with a deep kiss. Deeper that I would have gone for in front of all our friends, but whatever right?
As we parted again the song changed.
“Baby, I love you, but that's not what I wanted to say.”
His eyebrows raised “ooh, im sorry darlin’ carry on…” he giggled warmly, he really was happy. And I just couldn’t wait to tell him, just how happy my news made me…
“Justin, im pregnant!”
He wasn’t the only one that had been spun, right round and back again now was he?
This time we'll take it slowThe end
Lyrics : JOHN LEGEND
Ordinary people!
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