I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken
And there's nothing I can do
- The Veronicas

The rain is pouring down in sheets, blanketing my car and making it almost impossible to see the road. My eyes are clouded over with tears that are threatening to fall and I angrily wipe at my face. I refuse to cry, I refuse to show any weakness at someone else’s mistake. The pounding in my head is almost crippling my body and the pain in my heart is enough to make me crumble.

Hastily, I turn my car off the road and slam it into park. The rain drops continue to beat on my car and soon I’m giving into the anger, fear and rejection. My sobs rack my body and I can barely breathe. The words keep ringing through my head and I can’t push them away. How could they do this to me?

(Flashback)

“Hey mom…what’s going on?” I ask while bounding down into the kitchen.

My mom has a sour look on her face and her complexion has paled slightly. “Come sit down sweetie…” She offers while pushing a chair out to me.

“What’s wrong?” I ask, feeling the uneasiness in the room and noticing the frigidness to her movements.

“There’s something really important your father and I have to talk to you about.” She slowly starts.

“What? Is there something wrong with graduation? Dance? Are you both ok?” I ask rattling the questions off one by one.

She shakes her head gently and sits down in the chair across from me. “That’s not it sweetie…”

“Then what is so important to talk to me about on my birthday?” I say in a slightly irritated voice. Today is my eighteenth birthday and I have a huge dance competition tonight to practice for. I was really hoping to be at my high school almost twenty minutes ago to run through the routine with my partner but apparently I’m going to be late.

My mom inhales slightly and her breathing becomes shallow before she explains everything. “First, I want you to know that we love you more than life itself and that this doesn’t change anything.”

“You’re scaring me…” I say softly in between her words.

“I’m scared too honey.” She says before reaching her hand out and covering mine in a way that only a mother can. “When you were just a baby…your father and I adopted you from a home in Los Angeles and brought you back here to Memphis. You were so beautiful, wrapped in your pink blanket.”

A disbelieving laugh escapes my lips. “You’re kidding right?”

A somber look takes over my mom’s features and she slowly shakes her head. “No honey, I’m not. The reason we’re telling you now is because you’re an adult now and we thought you’d want to know.”

A sharp pain shoots through my stomach and I’m completely shell shocked. The confusion starts to clear from my head and soon I’m left with this encasing rejection. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before and pales in comparison to the “high school” rejection of a boyfriend breaking up with you. My mouth is agape and my mom is rubbing my hand softly. The pain is starting to set in and I rip my hand out of her grasp.

“Addison…” She starts but I cut her off.

“No…don’t talk to me. How could you not tell me this sooner? I’m eighteen fucking years old and you decide that now is a good time to tell me that all my life has been a lie? That the people I love and trust most in this life have all been keeping the truth from me. How could you?” I yell out before standing up and thrusting the chair back with my movements.

“We never meant to hurt you sweetie…” My mom explains before walking closer to me

“Get away from me…I hate you!!” I yell before running out of the kitchen, grabbing my keys on the way out and slamming the door behind me. I ran out to my car through the pouring rain and slammed the car into gear, peeling out of my driveway and as far away from the pain and rejection.

(End Flashback)
________________________________________________________________________

The pain is searing through my heart and it’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced in my life. The people I trusted most in my life have betrayed me in the deepest way possible. How could they hurt me like this? My tears continue to fall like a waterfall and as much as I want to stop the pain, I can’t. I don’t know how to make it go away and I feel like I’m breaking. My defenses have been crushed and I feel my walls breaking down. I’ve been left in this wake of vulnerability and rejection. My real parents didn’t want me and my adoptive parents lied to me for over eighteen years. I feel so alone…

Trying to shield myself from the hurt, I pull my legs up to my chest and wrap my arms around them. I want to stop all of this but I don’t know what to do…I’m heavily broken.

“Five, six, seven, eight…” Jon, the choreographer, calls out and my arms swing into motion quickly repeating the steps we’ve been through at least a hundred times today. I move in tune to the beats and start to get irritated when another dancer clearly falls behind. How many times do we have to go through this shit?

“Brooke…you’re at least a full step behind everyone…either you get it right or we’re going to have to discuss some other opportunities for you.” Jon explains trying to hide the irritation in his voice as well.

“I’m sorry…I’ll get it right.” Brooke affirms.

“Then get it…” He says before counting us down again and the whole group starts to move perfectly in sync. It’s a sea of bodies all moving in a precise and calculated way but with enough style to make it look original. You see…that’s what I love about dance. It’s such an expression and escape for me. Each person can bring a different style and flare to a routine but collectively it all flows together.

Jon claps his hands together once the sixteen count is completed and we all stop. Our chests are heaving and we’re hoping he’s pleased. We’ve been practicing for week’s straight, from sun up till sun down and we’re all a little stressed out. “All right everyone…I think that’s it for today. Be back here, packed and ready to go by six am. If you’re not here, the tour will leave without you.” Jon orders before picking up his bag and disappearing out the door.

That’s one thing I like about this choreographer, he’s straight to the point and has a no bull shit attitude. Once it’s right, he’s out the door. It makes my life a hell of a lot easier. I don’t have any room for the lovey-dovey, let’s all be friends crap anyways. Reaching down, I pull out a towel and wipe the sweat off my forehead. Quickly, I pull on my hoodie and zip it up before throwing my bag over my shoulder and walking towards the door.

“Addison…we’re all going to go out tonight. You know, celebrate Christina’s tour…wanna come?” Brooke asks while the others start to huddle around.

“Nope…” I answer sharply before turning to walk out the door. I’ve never been one for social gatherings, especially with the other dancers I’m on tour with. Let’s be real here…all they are a bunch of people who don’t know each other, trying to act like everything is rainbows and stars. You stand there with a drink in your hand, sucking back alcohol to loosen up, but not enough to be that one belligerent person who everyone wishes would shut up. While everyone else is thinking, I’d rather be at home. Fuck that, I don’t need to put myself through that…I’d rather just go home and curl up with a good book. Besides, what’s the point in getting close to everyone…they’re just going to disappear once the tour’s over anyways, they always do.

I push open the door to the studio and head out towards my car. The cool autumn breeze brushes against my face and sends a slight shiver down my body. Despite the chill in the air, I love the fall weather. It’s an excuse to wear jeans and sweatshirts all the time and who doesn’t love that? Opening my car door, I toss my bag onto the seat before hopping into the driver’s side. Rolling down my window, I reverse out of the lot and head straight back to my apartment. I still haven’t packed a thing for the tour and we’re leaving tomorrow morning.

________________________________________________________________________
Why is it that whenever things are going perfectly in your life, something always has to go wrong? I think God does it just to fuck with my head but right now is really not the time to be dealing with issues. I’m frustrated, crabby and really irritated…I would suggest not getting in my way.

“Justin…what do you want to do?” Johnny asks from across the table and to be honest with you…I completely zoned out a second ago. By the way, why is it that whenever you’re off in your own little world, someone always asks you a question?

“Huh…what?” I stumble out, not failing to miss the irritated look that slides across Johnny’s face.

“The dancers? Remember Krystal broke her ankle and won’t be able to tour for the rest of the year. We have dates scheduled for almost the entire year, there’s still plenty of time to get a replacement.”

“I don’t know Johnny…that’s a lot for someone to learn in a week’s time. Wouldn’t it just be better to adjust the show and cut her dances out? I mean there’s already great chemistry amongst everyone…it’d just be a pain to try and find and rehearse with someone.” I argue.

“Krystal was one of the lead female dancers…the show would really be missing an integral part. Not to mention, you’d have to get rid of one of the male dancers to even out the partnering work.” Johnny reasons.

I’m really getting annoyed with this conversation. I really don’t care whether we find a new dancer or just re-organize the show. I just don’t want to continue this debate. “Find another dancer…I’ll work with her all next week and get her caught up. If she’s taking Krystal’s spot, she’s going to be partnered with me most of the songs anyways.” I say before standing up from the table and walking towards the door. “One more thing…just make sure she’s an experienced dancer. If she’s going to learn the whole show in one week…she needs to pick up the choreography quick.” I request before opening the door and walking down the hall.

I was annoyed before I even went into that meeting and now I could snap on anyone who gets in my way. I hate being in these shitty moods but there’s just been a lot to deal with lately. Balancing my tour, spending time with Jessica, promoting my upcoming movies and the hounding paparazzi; my nerves are fried. I can’t wait to get home and fall down onto my couch. All I feel like doing is sleeping away this crappy day anyways.

________________________________________________________________________

My apartment looks like a bomb went off in it. I have several suitcases lined up on the floor and I’ve spent all night packing everything I’m going to need for the next couple of months. Now I absolutely love dancing and nothing makes me happier than being on tour and doing what I love, every night. But I hate living out of a suitcase and being in a different hotel all the time. Nothing compares to being at home and in your own bed but despite my qualms, I wouldn’t change it. You see, dance has always been there for me. No matter what I was going through…it was and still is my solace.

Finally, I zip my last bag and fall into my couch. The cushions practically swallow me whole before I let my head fall back. I’m all packed and ready to hit the road when my cell phone rings. Who is calling me at midnight?

Tiredly, I push myself up from the comfort of my couch and grab my phone. Flipping it open, I prepare myself for the infamous night before I leave talk.

“Hi mom…” I say coolly.

“Hi sweetie…are you ready for the tour tomorrow?”

“Yeah…just got done packing. I was about to get into my pajamas and read before heading to bed.”

“That sounds nice…I just wanted to call and wish you good luck.”

“Thanks…” I say flatly.

“All right honey…I’ll let you get some rest. Have a great tour and don’t forget to call. We love you…” She says with a hint of disappointment in her voice. She thinks I don’t pick up on it but I specifically choose to ignore it.

“Will do…bye mom.” I say before closing my phone.

I know I sound cold when I talk to my mom but nobody understands our relationship. Everything’s changed and it’s not how it used to be and I don’t think it will ever get back there. I still hold a huge grudge against her for holding back the fact that I was adopted. Even now, I can remember that day like it was yesterday and it’s been five years. But the wound still hurts and the pain is still a part of my everyday life. That one secret nearly crushed me and managed to destroy my entire relationship with my family.

I shake those thoughts from my head and head towards my bed. The only things that will pull me out of this funk are sweatshirts, sweatpants and Nicholas Sparks’s books…those three things are vital to my livelihood. I don’t expect anyone to ever understand my obsession with his books but they pull me into this fantasy land where love conquers everything. I want to believe in these fairytales, that someone or something will waltz into your life and change everything. They’ll make you see, breathe and live for love but life has taught me differently. Besides last time I checked, fairytales are fairytales for a reason. Crawling into bed, I throw the covers over me and prepare to get swept away in a story that will never be reality.

The bass pumps through the speakers strategically placed on the walls surrounding the small room; causing the mirrors to vibrate slightly at the pulsating sound and I can feel my body start to move to the beat. The music flows through my limbs and soon my legs are gliding across the floor. As the tempo increases, my movements start to run together before abruptly stopping and switching into a popping routine.

The lyrics fill the room and I find myself becoming more charged up by the song. I’ve taken this song very literal and it’s sort of been my anthem before I head out on tour. Every morning before getting on the buses, I will head to the studio and dance all by myself to “All or Nothing” by Athena Cage. This song helped me get through some of the worst times in my life and always reminds me that I made it here on my own. It gives me an inner strength and helps me prepare for each new journey.

The song starts to fade into the background before I fall to the floor in a heap. My breathing is labored and a thin layer of sweat has started to form on my forehead. I let myself just lie there taking it all in when my phone starts to ring. I have no idea why anyone would be calling right now, I’m not late and I still have an hour before the buses leave. Crawling towards my bag, I open it and answer the annoying sound.

“Hello?”

“Hi…I’m looking for Addison Miller.” A strong, masculine voice bellows into the phone.

A hint of confusion flashes across my face before I answer, “This is she.”

“Hi Addison…my name’s Johnny Wright and I’m one of Justin Timberlake’s tour managers. I hear you’re getting ready to head out on Christina’s tour…”

“Yeah…actually I’m heading to the buses right now.” I say as I gather my belongings up and start to walk for the door.

“Well, I’m glad I caught you…listen the reason I’m calling was we have an opening on Justin’s tour. One of our dancers recently got injured and we’re looking to fill it as soon as possible. We’re wondering if you’d be interested.”

“Umm…” I say while zipping up my sweatshirt. “I appreciate the offer but I don’t think I can.” I explain while getting into my car and heading towards the busses. There are definitely two reasons why I’d rather not join Justin’s tour. One, I’ve already signed up to be on Christina’s and I’d royally fuck them over if I backed out the night the tour started. Two, Justin and I have a bit of a past…you see I went to middle school with Justin back in Memphis and the last thing I need to do is head back down that path. I enjoy my anonymity out here in Los Angeles and I’d like to keep it that way.

“I understand your hesitation, especially being that you’re about to start a tour tonight. But we’d be willing to accommodate the schedule and let you work for Christina while you learn the choreography for Justin’s tour. Also because it is short notice, there’s the possibility of a bonus for coming on board.” Johnny persuades and he’s definitely got my attention with the bonus talk but the thought of being on Justin’s tour is enough to make me hurl.

“I’m flattered but I already have a tour. Thank you.” I say as I pull up to where the buses are being loaded.

“All right…well Addison, please keep this opportunity in mind. If you change your mind, please give me a call back. We’d really love to have you on board.”

“Thanks again Mr. Wright…have a good tour.” I say before closing my phone and pushing it into my pocket. That was probably one of the weirdest conversations I’ve ever had. I mean, I am literally an hour away from leaving Los Angeles to start touring with Christina and he wants me to jump ship…just like that. It definitely takes balls to try and recruit other artists’ dancers and I can respect that.

________________________________________________________________________

Johnny called me last night, saying he’d found a dancer with a vast amount of experience in the business but that she was about to join Christina’s tour. I’d be surprised if Johnny’s able to convince her to join my tour because from what I’ve heard no one treats their dancers better than Christina. I told him to give her a call and see what he could come up with; I wasn’t surprised when he told me she had turned him down. Oh well, the search continues.

Speaking of dancers, I’m actually on my way to the studio right now. Being that Krystal broke her ankle last week, we need to re-organize the show for the time being until we find a replacement. I’m not really looking forward to re-vamping the show because it’s hard enough to remember all the choreography and placements on stage as it is; now we’re switching it up again and it gets extremely confusing. I really wouldn’t be surprised if I completely botch the first show back.

Walking into the studio, clad in a pair of navy rip away’s and a white t-shirt, I’m immediately greeted by my choreographer Marty. Knowing him, he’s been at the studio for a couple hours already going through new routines. Don’t get me wrong I love the guy and he’s a great choreographer but sometimes he needs to take a break.

“Justin…how are ya feeling?” He asks before coming up and shaking my hand.

“I’m well…how have you been man?” I ask.

“Busy…” He responds. “Did Johnny talk to you about a replacement for Krystal?”

“Yeah, he called earlier and gave me the update…I hope we can find someone of Krystal’s caliber and soon.”

“Same here…I have a few people in mind and we’ll see what I can come up with. But I’m going to give my buddy Jon a call and see if he has any options for me too. He’s been working on some big tours lately…”

“That sounds good…” I say while nodding towards my other dancers who have started to filter into the room.

“Well, we should probably get going…we have a lot to cover in the next couple of hours…” Marty says to me but also loud enough for everyone else to hear. I guess the small talk is over and it’s time to get down to the nitty-gritty.

_______________________________________________________________________

Two hours, twenty-one minutes and some odd seconds, I’ve been cramped up on this bus with 3 other girls. Honestly, I’ve been sitting with my iPod on trying to block out their immature and idiotic conversations about shopping, boyfriends and what it’s like to be working for Christina Aguilera. I’m so over these conversations…I’ve been touring for the last five years and even though I love it; I’m not going to bow down and kiss the artists’ feet for the opportunity. They need the dancers just as much as we need the tours so really who owes who?

I shift uncomfortably in my seat and stare out the window at the scenery flying by. The conversation from earlier continues to replay in my mind. Even though I already told Johnny I wasn’t interested, I’m still weighing the options. I’d be able to stay on Christina’s tour while they found a replacement for me but I’d have the option of earning more money and who knows maybe I won’t be stuck in a small bus with three other annoying girls.

“Addison…come on. Take your iPod off and hang out with us…” Brooke pleads, as she sits next to me on the couch.

I put on a fake smile and prepare for the familiar talk. “No thanks…I’m not in the mood.” I respond, hoping they will just drop it.

“We’ve been rehearsing for this tour for over a month now and I still don’t know anything about you other than your name’s Addison Miller and you’re twenty-three years old.” I feel the eye roll coming on and I do my best to suppress it. Every tour, I go through the same bull shit. I’m so tired of it, why don’t people just stop and think that maybe I’m not a sociable, out-going girl. I like my alone time and I don’t need to change who I am to be well liked by the other dancers.

Standing up from the couch, I turn to walk back towards the bunks. “I’m going to take a nap before the show tonight…” I announce, completely ignoring Brooke’s request. The other girls turn to look at me but barely even acknowledge my departure, not that I even wanted them too. At least, I’ll get away from the prying eyes and questions for a little while.

Crawling into my bunk, I pull out a Nicholas Sparks book and allow myself to get wrapped up in the story. It wasn’t long before sleep came and covered my entire body. Sleeping is one of my favorite things to do because it’s a time I’ve never been chastised for who I am. But since all good things come to an end, I was awoken by the jerking of the bus as it pulled into the arena. Stashing my belongings into my bag, I emerge from my bunk and head towards the front. As I open the doors, I realize all of the other dancers have already departed from the bus and I walk out by myself.

I’m not even halfway towards the arena doors when someone calling my name, halts my movement. Turning around, I see our choreographer Jon running towards me.

“Addison…I’m glad I caught you…”

“Hey Jon…” I say, trying to muster up the same encouragement. I guess that little nap took a bigger toll on me than I previously thought.

Jon begins to fall into step next to me and a slight nervousness starts to pool in my stomach. “I heard Johnny called you…” He says as we walk towards the doors.

“Who?” I ask when the name doesn’t draw up any connections and then suddenly I remember the call from this morning. “Oh, Mr. Wright…”

Jon laughs slightly at my confusions before continuing, “Yeah…Johnny Wright.”

“How’d you know?” I ask when I remember that I never told anyone.

“My friend Marty called about an hour ago asking about you. Marty is the choreographer on Justin’s tour and he wanted to know what I thought of you and whether I’d be willing to let you leave Christina’s tour for his.”

Jon opens the door to the backstage area and we walk further down the twisty hallways. “I already told Mr. Wright that I wasn’t interested…” I affirm.

“I know, but I’d really recommend that you think this over Addison. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’d hate to lose you because you’ve been the most consistent dancer I’ve ever had the pleasure of working with. But Justin’s tour is considerably bigger and you’d gain a hell of a lot more exposure being one of his dancers. I really think it’d be a great opportunity for you…so take some time and really think it over. I’d love for you to stay but I understand either way.” Jon insists before we part ways.

I stand in the hallway a little while, recalling our conversation and now I’m even more confused than I was before. I want to be on Christina’s tour but part of me screams that I’m passing up a major opportunity to further my career. However, it suddenly clicks and I understand why I’m so hesitant to switch tours. It has nothing to do with loyalty to Christina, the other dancers or even Jon. It has everything to do with the headliner himself, Justin Timberlake.

Why is it that sometimes life’s easiest choices actually turn out to be the hardest ones? I think its God’s way of continuing to test me and he’s really starting to get the better of me. I mean, let’s look at this on paper. Staying on Christina’s tour allows me to remain comfortable in my surroundings, well as comfortable as expected when it comes to tour life and I don’t have to hassle with re-learning an entire show’s choreography. However, jumping onto Justin’s tour will get me a bigger paycheck, which who doesn’t love that, more exposure in terms of dance and finally his tour is scheduled for the entire year and that keeps me working for a very long time. I wouldn’t have to worry about the down times in between tours and who knows what could come from being on such a large scale tour. Clearly, Justin’s tour holds more promise for me.

But let’s not jump ahead now; let’s look at the negatives to his tour. The number one downfall being that I’d be stuck with Justin Timberlake for an entire year. Yeah, I know most girls would die for this opportunity….well I’m not most girls. I guess you’d have to understand a little bit more about our past to really understand my hesitations. I just don’t think I’m ready or willing to go back down this path.

I take a deep breath and let out a huge rush of air. My head has been so boggled down with this decision that I’m starting to feel like it might explode. I shake the thoughts from my head and slip my iPod over my ears, making sure to grab my bag before heading off the bus. After last night’s opening show, all of us rushed back to busses in order to be at the next venue fifteen hours later. That is probably my favorite part of touring, the constant urgency to be moving and heading off to the next show. It’s like an adrenaline rush that never ends.

Making my way inside the arena, I continue to walk down the long hallways. A few of the crew members smile politely when they see me and I return the gesture. As I approach the dancer’s dressing room my phone vibrates in my pocket.

“Hello?” I say while tucking the phone underneath my ear.

“Hi...is Addison there?”

I roll me eyes slightly at the question. I mean come on you called my cell phone who else would be answering it? “This is she…”

“Hi Addison…my name’s Marty Kulatta. I am the choreographer for Justin Timberlake’s Future Sex/Love Show.”

Wow, these people really don’t take no for an answer. First Mr. Wright calls, then Marty calls Jon and now he’s calling me personally. I wonder if Justin will call me next. “Hi Mr. Kulatta…how are you doing?”

“I’m a little stressed out but hanging in there. How’s Christina’s tour going?”

“We’ve only done the opening show and it went well. But I’m guessing that’s not why you called. What can I do for you Mr. Kulatta?” I ask trying to keep as neutral of a tone as possible. I don’t want to sound like they’re annoying me or anything but I’m sort of thrilled they’re still pursuing me at the same time.

“You’re right…that’s not it. The reason I’m calling was I wanted to know if Jon talked to you about the offer to join Justin’s tour.”

I brush a piece of hair back behind my ears and lean up against the wall outside of the dressing room. “Yeah he mentioned it to me. Listen, I really appreciate the chance but I just don’t see how it would work out.”

“I understand your hesitation…I’m actually going to be in town for Christina’s show tonight. I was hoping I could meet with you and talk about it in person?”

A look of confusion clearly passes over my features and I’m a little nervous now. It’s one thing to turn someone down over the phone; it’s another to do it in person. “We’re rehearsing all the way up until sound check and then I have about an hour of make-up and wardrobe to go through. I suppose after the show, I’d be available.”

“That’d work out perfectly.” Marty says excitedly.

“All right…well I will see you later tonight then.” I say before looking around to make sure no one is listening in.

“Sounds good Addison. Have a great show tonight.” He wishes before hanging up the phone.

A whole new set of nerves have started taking over my stomach. I usually never get nervous to perform but knowing Marty is in the audience and he’s clearly there to critique my dancing, it makes me completely anxious. Even though I’d rather not join Justin’s tour, I still want the choreographer to say he was impressed. Besides who knows where our paths might cross later in life.
________________________________________________________________________

Leading up to the show tonight, I spent every waking minute alone, lost in my thoughts and drowning in my music. I was fully aware of the importance of tonight’s show and to prove my worth as a dancer. I’ve never been one to really care about acceptance by anyone including friends, but when it comes to my abilities as a dancer…it’s extremely important to me. Dancing defines me…it’s who I am, it’s what I’m good at and it’s my passion. So, to say this show meant a lot to me was quite an understatement.

Once the performance was done, almost the entire crew huddled up right away on the buses. I, however, am sitting in one of the backstage rooms, clad in a t-shirt and California State sweatpants, waiting for the infamous talk with Marty. I don’t really even know where I stand anymore when it comes to Justin or Christina’s tour. The only reason I’m here is just to listen and I’ll make my mind up later.

I shift again in the chair, tucking my legs underneath me, when suddenly the door opens and in walks a skinny, short dark-haired man. I’m immediately drawn to his clothing and somewhat lack of style but I force a small smile on my face when he approaches me.

“Addison Miller…I’m Marty Kulatta, it’s nice to finally meet you.” He says while outstretching his hand.

“You too Mr. Kulatta.” I reply while shaking his hand firmly.

“Congratulations on a phenomenal show. Jon was right…you’re in a class all your own.”

I bow my head at his praise. This is the one time you’ll see me with my guard down. “Thank you…”

Marty pulls up a chair beside me and turns towards me. “So…have you thought about the offer to join Justin’s tour?”

I nod my head slightly at his question. “Yeah…I have. I’m really flattered at your interest and the fact that you came out to see me perform. That’s the biggest compliment a dancer can receive. So that’s definitely huge for me. But I don’t really think jumping tours is something I’d be willing to do.”

“What would it take for you to come aboard?” Marty asks with all seriousness.

I’m taken aback at that question. “Are you joking?”

“Not at all Addison. I recognize talent when I see it and you have way more than talent. I’ve never seen a dancer perform like that; you really are a stand-out on this tour. I think you’d be fantastic as Justin’s lead female dancer. So, what would it take to make you switch?”

I feel my jaw practically fall to the floor. I’ve never heard of anyone, not less much a choreographer, make an offer of such magnitude. “Umm…to be honest Marty…I really don’t know.”

He scratches his head for a moment while he ponders his thoughts. “Well here’s where I stand with everything Addison. We’re willing to give you everything Johnny mentioned, the bonus and time to rehearse while still working for Christina. I don’t know how your travel arrangements are with Christina but we can guarantee you, your own hotel rooms and you’ll be riding on Justin’s “guests” bus which basically means you have a bus to yourselves unless he has a friend visiting. We’re very serious about this deal Addison…you’d be a great addition to the tour.”

“Wow…” I mumble out. I certainly wasn’t expecting him to just lay it all on the line and he just HAD to throw in my own bus. Seriously, that’s my biggest complaint when it comes to touring because I’m just not that social. I love my alone time and he’s basically handing me everything I want. Why does it have to be Justin Timberlake though? “When would I start rehearsals?”

“As early as tomorrow…” He responds in a hopeful voice.

I take a few seconds to think about it and I remind myself that if I’m strong enough to get through all that bullshit before I can do it again. “Sign me up…”

“Great!” Marty says excitedly before standing up from his chair. “I’ll arrange everything with Jon so we can work rehearsals around Christina’s show but we’ll start teaching you everything tomorrow.”

I stand up and follow Marty towards the door. I can’t believe I’m willingly joining Justin’s tour. “When and where am I meeting you tomorrow morning?”

Marty turns to look towards me before filling me in on the last bit of information. “Actually, it’ll be you and Justin working on the choreography. I have to work on another tour in New York so Justin’s going to teach you everything. Meet him at the studio bright and early, eight o’clock. I look forward to working with you when I get back…it’s great to have you on the tour Addison.” He finishes before practically rushing out of the room and down the hallway.

Wait a minute; did he just say I’ll be meeting with Justin tomorrow morning? As in just the two of us? Remember that whole pep talk about being strong enough…who the fuck was I kidding?


I’ve been stretching practically every muscle in my body over and over again while I wait for the new dancer. I’ve been at the studio for about twenty minutes and I can’t believe she’s not here yet. I guess I can cut her some slack being that she just had a show last night but it’s the first day on a new job. Wouldn’t you think it’d be important to make a good impression? Sighing, I walk towards the stereo and make sure the music is ready to go. We’ve already lost rehearsal time; I don’t want to lose anymore fighting with the music.

Suddenly, the door swings open and a young girl walks in with her bag over her shoulder and a hoodie shielding her face. She doesn’t acknowledge my presence but rather drops her bag on the ground and pulls out items for rehearsals. Cautiously, she sits down on the wood floor and straps up a pair of dance shoes before starting to stretch her legs.

Realizing she’s not going to make the first move, I stride over towards her and sit down beside her. Instead of acknowledging my presence, she keeps her head down, concentrating on her stretches despite my obvious move to talk.

“Addison?” I ask loud enough for her to hear.

“Yep...” She responds coolly.

“How are you doing?” I ask, figuring it’s a safe question to start a conversation with.

“Fine…” She answers before looking up and meeting my eyes for the first time. A look of hesitation crosses her features and she looks almost frightened. Quickly, Addison recovers putting on a small smile to mask the uncertainty before standing up. “Can we just get started?”

I’m a little a taken back by her coldness but I oblige, she does have a lot to learn in a short amount of time.

“All right…the first song we’re going to go through is My love . It’s the fourth song on the set list but it’s probably the most heavily involved in terms of everyone being on the same page.” I explain while walking over to grab the remote for the music. I run through the first sixteen count with Addison and she’s quick to pick up the steps, deciding we should test it to music, I flip the switch and the pumping sounds start to fill the room. As she performs the routine, her hoodie falls from her head and a long mane of curls cascade out.

Suddenly, she stops and turns to look at me. I stand there in shock, my mouth agape and my feet frozen to the ground. The uncertainty is plastered across her face and I can’t believe it’s her.

“Addi?” I ask out loud, not really wanting an answer. “Is that really you?”

A sour look overtakes her features and she quickly recovers by pulling her hoodie up over her hair.

“Addison Miller from Memphis?” I repeat out loud. “I should’ve known it was you…you were always dancing at school…we all knew you’d grow up to do big things. Wow, I haven’t seen you for what ten years or so.

Her eyes flare up and she whips her head back around. “Listen, I really don’t want to take this stroll down memory lane. Yes, it’s me. Yes, it’s you. Can we just go through the choreography? I have another show for Christina tonight and I don’t have a lot of free time.”

I’m caught off guard by the anger in her voice because I’ve never known her to be that way, especially to someone she knows. She’s already covered her head again and is concentrating on perfecting the choreography. She’s right though…we don’t have a lot of time so I drop it for now and continue to run through the choreography. But I’ll tell you one thing…she’s the last person I thought I’d run into again. Addison fucking Miller from Memphis…this world is crazy.

He thought he could just waltz right on into my life and throw that charming smile and confident swagger around and we’d just be the best of buddies. I can’t stand that he walks around the studio making little comments about life back in Memphis. It’s like he was trying to unlock everything that happened ten years ago. Doesn’t he get the hint…I don’t want to talk, think, reminisce or even remember my life in Memphis.

It’s even more annoying being stuck in a small room with mirrors plastered everywhere. Anywhere I turn, he was always there. He was analyzing everything about me my walk, my expressions, my voice; I feel like I’m under a microscope. I’m just so irritated by this whole situation.

After the initial meeting and constant prodding, we ran through as much choreography as I could handle; practicing all the way up until I needed to be at the arena for rehearsals with Christina. I was a little nervous for the show last night; I thought I might bust out into Justin’s choreography considering it was becoming so ingrained into my brain. Thankfully though, the show went smoothly and now we’re on our way to the next arena. I’m a little tired from the constant dancing whether it’d be with Justin or Christina but at the same time I wouldn’t change it.

Once we reach the arena, I have to head to another dance studio to meet with Justin. I can’t say that I regret my decision to join his tour because I am excited to see what lies ahead for me, but if I have to go through these walks down memory lane every day, it might be another story.

The bus finally pulls to a stop and the rest of the dancers start to gather there things and head inside the building. Reaching for my dance bag, I sling it over my shoulder and start in the opposite direction from everyone else. Securing my iPod over my ears, I make the short walk down the street to a building with red awnings and “Dance” written boldly across the windows. Heading inside, I throw my hoodie up over my head and walk into the brightly lit lobby. A secretary smiles politely at me and asks for my name. Explaining that I’m here to practice with Justin, she directs me down the hallway to a dance studio completely secluded from the rest.

Opening the door; I spot Justin already running through the routine. He’s completely lost in his own world and doesn’t even notice me at first. Throwing my bag onto the ground, I slip my dance shoes on and walk towards him.

“Hey Addison…how are you doing?” He asks, stopping in mid-movement.

“I’m fine…I don’t have a lot of time to practice. I have to be back at the arena by four. Christina’s holding a tour meeting.” I say while stretching out my arms and legs.

“All right…well how comfortable are you with everything we went through yesterday?” He asks while running has hand over his buzzed head.

“I got it…let’s move onto something else.” I respond.

“Ok…let’s go through Cry Me a River .” He says.

My thoughts immediately flash to all the controversy surrounding that song and I can’t help but ask. “Whatever happened with you and Britney anyway?”

Justin looks almost shocked that I would ask. “I’d rather not go there Addison.”

“Why?” I ask, liking that I’m able to throw him a little off kilter, considering that’s what he did to me all day yesterday.

“Because I just don’t…it happened such a long time ago.”

“Then why don’t you just put it all to rest and talk about it. You’re all dodgy when people ask you about her. If you’re really over it all, why not just answer the question.” I challenge him.

His eyebrows rise slightly at my forcefulness. “Why don’t you want to talk about Memphis, Addison? You’re just as, how did you put it, dodgy whenever I talk about it.” He asks, returning my challenge.

I feel my body stiffen at that. “Drop it Justin…let’s just go over the choreography.”

He starts running through the opening with me and I get into the position he’s instructed, giving him my full attention. Even though I might not act like it, I respect what Justin’s accomplished as an artist. Probably three-quarters of the people we went to school with still reside in our old neighborhoods and are busy pumping out kids. It takes a strong character to break away from the hold Memphis has and therefore I can respect that aspect of him.

“All right, I think I got it…” I say before getting up next to him, ready to run through the opening.

The motions flow effortlessly out of our bodies the minute the song begins. I feel myself start to get lost in the moves and the emotion of the song. I love being able to connect to the feeling of the song and the lyrics. Even though, the pain Justin felt with this song is nothing like anything I’ve ever experienced from a lover…the pain I’ve been through cuts a hell of a lot deeper. Our bodies move in sync with one another and the song starts to come alive through the choreography.

Abruptly I stop, the minute a sharp ringing interrupts the song. Justin jogs over to his bag and reaches for his cell phone.

“Hey Trace, what’s up?”

Oh man, Trace Ayala. Seriously, this walk down the yellow brick road needs to stop. First, Justin now Trace…who else?

“Yeah, no problem. I’m actually in Tacoma, Washington though.” He responds and I know I’m ease-dropping.

He bounces his head back and forth before answering, “I’m going through the choreography with our new dancer. She’s on Christina’s tour so I’ll be following along until my tour starts back up again.”

He turns to look at me and I look away quickly, pretending to be concentrating on the choreography. “You’ll never believe who it is though…do you remember Addison Miller from Memphis?”

I groan at his mention of my name and Memphis again. I’m starting to think I should walk around with a sign above my head displaying that information. Considering in the last two days, I’ve heard that more than I have in the last couple years.

“Yeah no shit…small world. All right well I should get back. I’ll call you later.”

Justin finishes his phone call and throws his cell back into his bag. He walks confidently back to where I’m running through the choreography, perfecting every snap and pop.

“Trace says hey Addi.”

I feel my insides burn at that nickname. “My name’s Addison…not Addi.” I snap.

Justin looks taken back at my outburst. “We always used to call you Addi…”

“Yeah well not anymore.” I say with attitude flaring. Nobody’s called me Addi since I moved away. I can’t handle him bringing up this shit every second.

“Whoa…ok, it’s Addison. I didn’t think it’d bother you so much.”

I brush my hair back and look him straight in the eyes. “It does…listen can we just finish this. I really need to get back for Christina’s show tonight.”

“Yeah no problem…” Justin says quietly before getting in line next to me. I can tell he’s feeling a little put off at my attitude switch but this constant questioning of the past is wearing on my nerves and cracking at my guards.

Justin slides easily back into the role as choreographer and I gladly fall into step behind him. I don’t want to be caught in this constant tug-of-war with him but I don’t know how else to handle this situation. I came to this tour to dance not talk about my life and what I’ve been through since we last saw each other. I’ve locked that shit so far deep inside of me that nobody’s getting through. Thankfully for now, he seems content to let me be.

________________________________________________________________________

We are shaped by the events that happen in our lives and our character develops by the way we handle such situations. I’m starting to wonder what the hell happened to Addison all those years ago. I mean it’s not like we were best friends when we both lived in Memphis but I certainly knew of her; the whole town did. But this Addison is completely different from the one I knew back in Memphis. Addison has been dancing since she could walk and everybody knew how great she was. Dancing was her life; she was always being whisked away to competitions around the state. I’m not surprised she’s somehow worked her way out to California and is now on Christina’s tour.

Her ability to pick up choreography is unprecedented and she’s probably one of the easiest dancers I’ve ever worked with. She’s completely focused on the routines and wants to achieve perfection with each dance. I can’t knock her for that but there’s something missing in her; something that she’s lost since Memphis.

Since, we flew through the choreography for Cry Me a River and I could tell there was a lot on her mind. I called it an early day and let her head back to the arena and rest up for her performance tonight. Conveniently, I forgot to mention that Christina gave me a ticket to come watch the show tonight and that’s exactly where I’m headed.

With Mike in tow, we proceeded into the arena and towards our seats. There’s a curtain spanning the entire stage and it looks like the opening of a Broadway musical. It’s completely and totally Christina. As I take in the props, the lights drop and the crowd goes crazy. Preparing myself to be highly entertained, I’m a little taken back when Addison is the first to make an appearance. Clad in a white three-piece suite, her hair is pulled back slightly and her face displays a happiness that only being on stage can bring out. I smile slightly because in that moment, that’s the Addison I remember.

She goes through all of the moves, giving her everything to each routine and complimenting Christina beautifully. I can’t believe she agreed to join my tour because it’s completely different than Christina’s. But hey I’m about to get one of the best dancers out there and I can’t question that.

Once the concert draws to an end, I decide to head to the back and congratulate her. Slipping through the hallways virtually unnoticed, I find her dressing room and rap my knuckles across the door. Suddenly, the door swings open and I’m met by a petite brunette who looks as shocked to see me as I am her.

“Is Addison here?” I ask, looking over her shoulder into the room.

“Oh my god…you’re Justin Timberlake.” She says excitedly.

“Thanks…I didn’t know that.” I respond sarcastically. Thankfully, I see Addison grabbing her things and start walking towards the door. She looks up at me with a frown on her face and pushes her way through the door, pulling me with.

“What are you doing here?” She snaps.

“I came to watch the show…” I answer like its common knowledge. I mean, this is a concert and all.

“I know that…but why?” She asks.

“I wanted to see you in your element. You’re an awesome dancer Addison.” She blushes slightly at the comment and it’s the first time I’ve actually seen a bit of emotion from her. “Did you just blush?” I ask, catching her off guard.

“What?!” Addison shakes her head quickly and starts to walk towards the exit. “You’re imagining things Justin.” She says while pushing the door open and heading towards the busses.

“Whatever you say Addison…I’ll see you tomorrow bright and early. Oh and this time…don’t be late.” I yell and she turns to flip me off. A hearty chuckle escapes my lips and there’s something about being around her that keeps me on my toes.

I’ve been at the studio for almost a half hour now, warming up and running through the choreography without Justin. That ass thinks he’s always going to be here before me…ha, I’ll show him what’s up. He challenged me last night and I wasn’t about to turn it down, it’s the competitive side of me coming out.

We’ve been rehearsing everyday since I agreed to join his tour and we’re almost done with all the choreography. We’re planning on running through the last two songs today and then I’ll join the rest of his dancers for a full dress rehearsal. I’m not going to lie and say I’m totally comfortable with all of this because I am the new girl coming into an already well established group but that hasn’t stopped me before. I have a lot to prove and I’m ready to put it all on the line to show these people I’m worth all this extra effort.

Suddenly, the door opens and in walks a ragged looking Justin. He gives me a nod and throws his Nike bag on the floor. Discarding his sweatshirt, he quickly laces his shoes up and walks towards me. The bags under his eyes are frightening and his eyes are almost completely bloodshot.

“Whoa…you look like hell!” I say when he gets close to me.

A small smile plays across his lips. “Thanks Addison…” He responds sarcastically.

“Well you do…if you looked up raccoon eyes in the dictionary, your picture would be there. Not to mention your hair…did you even shower this morning Justin?”

“You really know how to make a guy feel good.” He says with a hint of playfulness to his voice.

“Sorry.” I say while shrugging my shoulders. “I just wasn’t expecting you to come here looking like that. Is everything all right?” I ask. Now, I’m not one to get involved in anyone’s business because I hate it when people shove their nose in mine. I just feel like maybe it’s the polite thing to ask.

“Yeah, I’m fine…just a late night.”

“All right…well I’ll have you know, I did beat your ass here today. In case you forgot, you’re a half hour late.” I point out.

“Yeah whatever…everyone’s entitled to a day off. So you ready to get these last few songs done?” Justin asks while stretching out his arms.

“Yeah.” I say as I clear all my things off the floor and slide my bag over next to his.

“All right, let’s go over Summer Love.” Justin says before starting to run through the opening of the song. “This number relies heavily on the interaction between you and I. Everyone starts on the top level of the stage and then we branch off as the song moves along.” Justin explains and starts to go over the choreography.
I know I give Justin a hard time but when it comes to learning his choreography I give him my full attention. As a dancer it’s important to prove you’re ability to master choreography and quickly. So when it’s time to get serious…I can turn that switch on immediately.

“All right…you got that?” He asks after going through the first half of the song.

“Yeah, I’m good.” I say while pulling my hair up and putting it in a messy bun on top of my head.

“Ok the next part is…umm…going to be a little weird at first but understand that it’s all a show.”

I give him a weird look and nod for him to continue. Why did he get shy all of a sudden?

“When I sing “we could have some fun” you’re actually suppose to lick my finger.” Justin says nervously as he runs his hand across the back of his neck.

I feel my mouth practically fall open. What the fuck?

“It’s all for show Addison…” He quickly explains before I interrupt him.

“You’re fucking crazy Justin if you think I’m putting your fingers anywhere near my mouth or any other part of my body.”

Justin smiles slightly before explaining there’s more. “There’s a part after that, which umm you’re completely bent over and I come up behind you and…”

I put my hand up to stop him. I seriously don’t need a detailed play by play anymore. “You’re insane if you think I’m going to let you molest me on stage. Justin that’s fucking creepy.

“Addison…” He calls out. “I understand your hesitations. Trust me I’ll do whatever you need to make you feel more comfortable.” He says trying to ease my uncertainties.

I feel a blush start to creep into my cheeks and a laugh escapes my lips. “You owe me big time, Justin. First, I bail you out and join your tour and now I’m going to let you feel me up on stage in front of tens of thousands of people each night.”

Justin laughs loudly at my outburst. “I’m not feeling you up Addison. It’s just a part of the song. We’re both professionals and we’ll keep it on that level.

“Remember that Justin…cause I swear I will break your hand off if you try and cop a feel anywhere else.”

He shakes his head at me before we start to practice the infamous moves. Do I really need to explain how awkward it is to have your boss’s fingers in your mouth and act like you’re having sex with him? I mean seriously, if he was trying to rattle me…he’s definitely done it.

________________________________________________________________________

I’m not going to lie and say that I haven’t gotten a little bit of enjoyment out of watching Addison squirm today. She’s always very well put together and doesn’t like to let anyone see her flustered so this change in attitude is fun for me.

After getting through the initial awkwardness, she put a smile on her face and the performer came out in her. I promised her I wouldn’t tease her or make it anymore weird than it already was; so for her benefit I let it go.

But we’ve been cramped up in the studio for hours now and we’re both practically soaking wet from head to toe. Surprisingly, it’s only been five days since we started the choreography and I’ve gone through almost everything with Addison. We’re way ahead of schedule. She still has a week before she technically will join my tour and only two more shows with Christina.

Deciding to call it a day, I turn the music off and start to gather all of my stuff. Addison follows suit, grabbing a towel and wrapping it around her neck. I turn around and walk towards her, when I notice she’s busy checking something on her cell phone. A sour expression crosses her features before she shuts her phone and jams it in her pocket.

“Everything ok?” I ask as I throw my sweatshirt on.

“Don’t worry about it…listen, I need to go.” She says while slipping her bag over her shoulder and flipping her hoodie up over her head, shielding herself from my view.

“All right…well that’s really all the choreography that we needed to go over one-on-one. The next step is pulling it all together with everyone else.”

“OK…just call me later and we’ll work everything out for next week. I really need to go though, Justin.” She explains before walking towards the door.

“Wait up…” I call out and jog to catch up to her. “What’s the hurry?”

“I told you…nothing, don’t worry about it. I’ll catch ya later.” Addison says before turning out the door and practically running back towards the hotel. Whatever message she just read on her phone must’ve been something serious because I’ve never seen someone bolt like that.

Figuring it’d be best to let her be, I pull out my phone and dial the familiar numbers for Jessica. I’ll call Addison later, but for now I’m more concerned with my sexy brunette on the other line.
________________________________________________________________________

I don’t really even know why that stupid text message made me so upset. My mom or maybe I should say my adoptive mother, sends them practically every day and normally I just erase them. But today for some reason it hit me differently. I’m chalking it up to the fact that I’m a little worn down and my guards are a little lower. I didn’t want Justin to see me that way and that’s why I left the minute I felt the tears stinging the back of my eyes.

Why is it those three little words cut me so deep? “I Love You.” I don’t even understand the meaning of them. What does it mean to love somebody anyways? Because the people who “love” me have lied to me continually for most of my life and now I question if I’ve ever even felt love.

Drying myself off from my shower, I slip my sweatpants on and throw a big California State sweatshirt over my head. I snuggle into its warmth and slip on a pair of shoes. Knowing the rest of Christina’s dancers will be arriving back at the hotel soon, I grab my iPod and key before opening the door and walking out towards the busy streets below. I need some time to just gather myself and build my walls back up. The non-stop dancing, Justin’s constant questions and prodding and my mother’s incessant texting are cracking my walls and I need to repair it all. I need to lock this shit deep inside because I’m not about to let anyone see any weakness. I’m stronger than this and I’m going to prove it. Pushing the door open, I put my iPod on before walking down the street and allowing myself to get completely lost in my thoughts.
_______________________________________________________________________

I couldn’t even tell you why I was looking out the window of the hotel at that moment, but the last person I thought I’d see was Addison walking on the street. She looked deep in thought and her sweatshirt practically encased her whole being but there was something different about her this time. Her head was hanging a little lower and her shoulders were slumped forwards. Her whole being reflected a woman deep in thought; she looked defeated. The idea of following after her crossed my mind but her body told the story that she wanted to be alone. Instead, I watched her cross the streets and disappear out of view. It was the first time, I’d seen Addison saddened and it intrigued me.

The image of Addison walking down the street; her sweatshirt engulfing her body, her face shielded by the fabric but the sadness surrounding her so visible, still haunts me. I can’t seem to shake that image or the need to understand her pain. It’s been a couple of days since I caught a glimpse past Addison’s guards and into her world. I never mentioned that fateful sighting before but it plagues me.

I’ve felt a significant shift in our relationship, actually in everyone’s relationship or lack there of with Addison. She’s almost completely retreated into herself and the only time I see her is when she comes out for rehearsals. Addison’s been a full fledge member of the tour for a couple days now and has been rehearsing with the entire crew, myself included. I’ve tried desperately to get her alone but she avoids me like the plague and I haven’t quite gotten to the level of stalking her. However, I haven’t ruled that out yet.

I’m reading through the line-ups for the tour and finalizing some last minute details before the tour kicks up again in a couple days. There’s one piece, however, that’s been nagging at me and I’ve been tossing the idea around in my head for some time now. During my intermission, I was thinking about adding a section for my dancers, sort of a time in the show that they get to express their individuality, dance in their own styles to music that they choose. Not many artists allow their dancers a time to do what they love, in front of thousands of people, without the constringes of choreography. I really want to do this for them and I’m willing to adjust the schedule to see that it does.

Knowing, I needed to clear this with my band director. I take off down the halls of the rehearsal arena towards his practice room. Folding the line-up in half, I tuck it into my back pocket and pick up my pace. If I’m going to pull this off, I need to get it approved and implemented in about a day’s time, not an easy task that’s for sure.

I make my way up to his door and rap my knuckles across the wood panels. A shuffling of feet can be heard from inside and I take a deep breath, mentally preparing my speech. The door swings open and I’m met face to face with Kevin.

“Justin…come in man.” He says, opening the door wider before backing into the room.

“Hey Kevin…I’m sorry for just barging in on you like this.” I say while taking the line-up out and straightening it in my hands.

“No problem…what can I do for you?” He asks.

“I’ve been tossing around some ideas in my head and there’s a section of the show I want to modify and add too.”

“What were you thinking of doing?” He asks while sitting down on the chair and leaning in towards me.

Running my hands down my pants and taking a quick breath, I pull up a chair and explain my idea about having each dancer bring a part of them to the show. The words practically rush out of my mouth and my head is already spinning with ideas. Kevin looks carefully over the itinerary and his face is void of any emotion. I can’t tell if he loves it or hates it.

He carefully scratches his head and leans back on his chair. His mouth contorts into a slight smile before he opens his mouth. “I think it’s a great idea…I don’t know how we’re going to work the timing out but I’d be willing to bet we’ll figure it out.”

I can feel a sense of relief wash over me with his approval. Kevin’s been with me since the very beginning and I value his opinion a great deal. “Oh, that’s awesome man…” I say with a hint of excitement in my voice.

“Have you told your dancers yet?” He asks.

“Not yet…I wanted to make sure you thought it was doable before I told them.” I respond.

“I think it’ll be great…it’s something different and it’s an innovative way to highlight your dancers. I can make the necessary arrangements with everyone to make sure the technical aspect runs smoothly. Just let me know if you need anything else?” Kevin says before standing up.

“Thanks man…I really appreciate it.” I say while extending my hand and shaking his firmly.

“No problem Justin…” He responds before I walk towards the door and disappear down the hallway.

My head is working in overdrive and all sorts of ideas are flowing through my brain. No other artist has done something of this caliber and I can’t wait to share this with everyone. This tour would be nothing without my crew and I can’t think of a better way to say thank you, then to let them each have a moment in the spotlight.

Quickly, I finagle my way through the mess of hallways continuing on my journey towards the stage. Finally, reaching the doors the whole arena comes into view and I notice all the dancers sitting on the corner of the stage. Walking up towards them, I notice Addison off in the distance on her cell phone. She looks up slowly and I wave her over.

“Hey everyone…I got some news.” I yell out and their attention immediately focuses on my approaching form.

Quickly, Addison ends her conversation and pulls up a spot next to Marty. Once I know I have all of their attention I prepare to unleash my idea.

“I know the tour starts back up in a couple days but there’s a new section I want to add.” I start and a slight groan can be heard throughout all my dancers. “Stop whining…this is something all of you are going to love.”

Their moans stop and their heads immediately snap back towards me. “During the intermission, each of you is going to have a time to dance solo on the stage to anything you want.”

There’s a chorus of gasps and immediate chatter amongst themselves before Marty pipes up. “Wait a minute…you mean that each of us can dance any style we want, to music other than yours, on the stage by ourselves?” He asks trying to get some clarification.

“That’s exactly what I mean…listen you guys have put in ridiculous hours of practice and actual touring time that I want each of you to just have a moment in the show that’s yours.”

Their excitement can almost immediately be felt and seeing how happy all of them are makes it even more enjoyable for me. Each one of my dancers is talented in their own way and I can’t wait to see what they come up with. It’s going to be a memorable part of the show for everyone.

“There’s one condition though…” I start. “You need to have your song choices into me by the end of today and the choreography ready for rehearsing by tomorrow afternoon. I know that’s rushing it but we need all of the technical stuff worked out as soon as possible.” I finish and everyone’s nodding their heads but something seems off when I glance at Addison who’s starring off into space. Her face is void of emotion and I can’t tell whether she’s excited or pissed off about the changes.

“All right…well that’s all I have…I’m sure you all have some work to do. So I’ll let you be but come find me when you know what song you’ll be using.” I say before giving Addison one more glance and walking back towards the door. Yells of gratitude can be heard from my dancers as I leave the arena and head back towards my room. The one thing that plagues me though is the look on Addison’s face. Trying to analyze Addison is practically impossible but I still find myself doing it despite by best efforts to stop.

________________________________________________________________________

To say that Justin’s little surprise addition to the show shocked me is definitely an understatement. I really don’t know what to think about it, I’ve never heard of any artist ever handing over the stage to their dancers. I’m surprised but at the same time really excited to just perform something that is one hundred percent me. From the music, to the choreography, to the emotion; it’s entirely my creation. Honestly, I don’t need much time to work this out because I already know exactly what I want to do.

Ever since the announcement everyone’s been off in their own world practicing. Me, on the other hand, I’m on my way to find Justin to let him know what I’ve chosen to do. Figuring he’s probably running through the technicalities with Kevin, I start in that direction. Rounding the corner, I slam into a hard chest.

“Damn…” I yell out as I draw my hand to my forehead.

“Whoa, Addison…sorry about that.” Justin says, reaching out and putting his hands on my arms, trying to steady me.

Rubbing my hand over my head, I let out a small laugh. “Don’t worry about it. I have a hard head.” Justin smiles at my joke and retracts his arms. “Listen the whole reason I’m down here is to talk to you about the intermission dance.”

Justin nods his head and starts to walk back towards his room. “You already know what you’re going to do?”

“Yep!” I say while falling into step next to him.

“Wow…that didn’t take long.” He says looking over at me before reaching his room and opening the door. He plops a spot down on the chair and prepares to listen to my idea.

For some reason, I wave of anxiety washes over me and suddenly I’m worried about what he’s going to think. Taking a deep breath, I try to push those thoughts aside and sit down on the couch.

“So what do you have in mind?” Justin asks.

“Something completely different than what you’ve seen me do. I know this is going to sound cocky but I know I can dance pop, I’ve proven that through the several tours I’ve done. But this time, I want to take on a different challenge. Professionally, no one’s seen me do contemporary.”

“Contemporary, huh?” Justin repeats and his head turns up slightly as he contemplates it.

“Yeah…a dance with meaning, a dance that tells a story, something personal and that people can connect with.”

His head turns to look directly at me. “It sounds like you already have your choreography worked out too.”

“Yeah I do…” I say hesitantly.

“What are you thinking?” He asks.

“I think once you see it…it’ll make more sense.” I say trying to avoid any further explanation.

He nods his head and doesn’t prod any further. “What song do you have in mind?”

I intertwine my hands with each other and turn to look at Justin. “Usher’s, you’ll be in my heart.”

Justin’s face contorts into a look of bewilderment before he asks. “Can I be honest with you?”

My stomach drops, thinking he absolutely hates my idea. “Yeah, definitely…”

“First, I love the idea and I can’t wait to see the choreography. But you’ve completely caught me off guard. I didn’t expect anything like this from you…” Justin says sitting upright and uncrossing his legs.

“That’s kind of the point…” I say with a hint of defiance in my voice.

“All right. Well, Kevin wants everyone to start their run-through’s in the afternoon. Will you be ready to go then?

“Yeah…” I say while standing up and getting ready to leave.

“Listen Addison, there’s one more thing I have to ask?” Justin says while standing up and following me towards the door.

“What?” I ask turning around slightly with my hand firmly on the door-knob.

“Is everything ok?” He asks softly.

I look at him with a hint of confusion but quickly push it aside before he can ask anymore questions. “Yeah, I’m fine…I’ll see you tomorrow at rehearsals.” I say before opening the door and disappearing down the hallway, away from his watchful eyes.

My body is tingling from exertion and my shirt is practically glued to my chest from the sweat. The music continues to pound through my head and the room. I’ve been at the studio since five o’clock this morning, rehearsing and perfecting my choreography. This opportunity to dance solo, in front of thousands of people each night is something I’ve dreamt about since I first started dancing. From my first dance class till now, this has been what I’ve been working for and to think Justin would be the one to make it all happen. Who would’ve ever guessed that this nerdy kid from middle school would one day hand me one of my dreams? Not that I’d ever tell him any of this, I mean his head doesn’t need to get any bigger than it already is.

Rehearsals start at one o’clock and that time is quickly approaching. I’m not going to lie, the idea of dancing something so personal scares me but at the same time, it’s real. Isn’t that what everybody’s looking for anyways? Someone to be real with them, to be honest and to be open all of the time. Hell, no one has ever given me that before. I can’t even say that I live my life that way, but dance does something different to me. It opens me up and it cracks my walls. That’s kind of a dangerous thing because my entire existence has been my ability to close out emotion.

So why do something that I know will open up a part of me that I close off? Why put myself in a position to be vulnerable? I don’t even have a concrete answer to that. I think it’s a pride thing. I’m always pushing myself to do something bigger and better than the last. I haven’t pushed myself in this direction and I feel like I need to explore a different side of dance. I need to prove that I can do this and still hold it all together.

From the song, to the choreography, to the feelings behind the movement; it’s the first time I’m really opening myself up. This dance, the emotion and the story I’m telling; it is about something I’ve never had but wanted. Realizing that the whole song is about having someone there to watch over you, to keep you safe and to love you regardless; strikes a chord with me. Ever since I found out I was adopted, my whole life has felt like a lie, like a secret. The people I counted on for that protection, for that love and for that honesty, let me down in the biggest way possible. For a majority of my life, I believed wholeheartedly that I belonged somewhere and that I was part of a family. I gave unconditional love and I put all my trust in them without any hesitation. I never imagined that my life would turn out to be a lie. That everything I ever believed in would come back to hurt me in the deepest way possible. No one can ever understand the pain that I feel, to realize that a love you never questioned can be ripped out from underneath you in the blink of an eye. It’s a pain that I mask everyday of my life and it’s a pain the slowly eats away at me from within.

I realize that performing this each night is going to be difficult and it’s going to test me. But getting through it and standing tall at the end of it all, proves that maybe I don’t need someone there. Maybe, I can make it through this world without someone to catch me if I fall.

________________________________________________________________________

After spending all day yesterday meeting with each of my dancers, I can’t wait to see what they come up with today. I realize how close I’m cutting this, but I really feel that the intermission will be a huge standout and an innovative way for each of them to gain that recognition they all deserve. One of the biggest challenges I face with this new section is being able to blend all of their ideas and transition the show through them. But if it means I get a little less sleep leading up to the tour, then that’s how it’s got to be.

Parking my car outside the dance studio, I throw a sweatshirt over my head and make my way inside, knowing my dancers are already here and ready to get started. The energy and excitement in the room is palpable, the minute I step through the doors. My eyes quickly scan the room before landing on Johnny whose busy talking on his cell phone. He motions for me to come over with his hand and ends his conversation just as I approach him. Briefly, we shake hands and go through the normal small talk before deciding we better start the rehearsals.

“Hey everyone…there’s a lot we need to get through and I think we should probably get started. It doesn’t matter who goes first right now because Kevin and I are going to work out the order based on the best transitions.” I explain and everyone nods their head. “I’m looking forward to all of your dances…so let’s get started.” I say before everyone starts to scatter and left on the floor is Marty.

Marty is one of the biggest creative forces behind this Future Sex/Love Show so I already know his dance is going to be hot. I take a seat next to Johnny and Kevin just as the music to “Go Getta” pounds through the speakers. Leave it to Marty to bring a true hip-hop routine to the stage. I relax into my chair and soon realize this is probably the best thing I could do creativity wise to bring a whole new element to my show.

________________________________________________________________________

The rehearsals have been going on for over two hours now and everyone’s gone except for me. Waiting here the whole time has been the most nerve-wracking thing because I can feel my stomach churn with each second that passes. My heart is beating so loud, I’m surprised it’s not overpowering the music coming from the speakers.

Methodically, Justin’s sat in that chair as each dancer goes and whispers back and forth with Johnny and Kevin. After each dance, he throws his two cents in which usually sounds like “That was awesome”…or…”it was great”, but my favorite is…”damn, that was hot.” Rolling my eyes at his antics, I stretch my legs out before getting ready to go.

I’m mentally preparing myself for what’s about to come and I can feel myself trying to put those walls up. I start to close myself off to my surroundings and I almost don’t hear Justin call me to the front. Walking to the middle of the floor, I feel everyone’s eyes practically burn through my skin and I try to shake their stares. If I can’t handle a small audience like this, how in the hell could I do this in front of thousands each night?

“Are you ready to go, Addison?” He calmly asks.

“Yeah, I’m ready…” I answer before taking a deep breath and bowing my head slightly to the right.

Soon, the whimsical sounds of “You’ll be in my Heart” flutter through the speakers and my nerves suddenly slide away. I let the music flow through my body and for just this moment it fills me with a sense encouragement and safety. My legs glide effortlessly across the floor and my arms rise to tell my story. The one story that I’ve kept locked deep inside my heart. My body loosens as I run through the routine and in turn my emotions are rising to the surface. As I continue dancing, I can feel the tears stinging the back of my eyes and I fight to push them away. I can’t cry now, I’m doing this for the girl inside that wants nothing more than to be loved unconditionally, to be protected at all times and to be watched over when times are rough.

________________________________________________________________________

Ever since Addison pitched her idea, I’ve been waiting to see her choreography. I expected something great what I didn’t bargain on was something amazing. Her choreography told a story with so much passion that everyone in the room could feel the emotion. Looking around the room, there’s not a dry eye in the place except for Addison. She’s sitting on the ground with her legs tucked close to her body as the music faded into the background. I don’t know whether to clap or to wrap my arms around her protectively.

Slowly, I stand up and walk cautiously over to her slumped frame. Cautiously, I reach my hands out towards her and let them rest on her arms. The minute my hands make contact with her body, it’s as if a light switch went off and she retracted further into herself.

“Addison…that was beautiful…” I say softly, the emotion of it all still evident in my voice.

But the minute my voice breaks her reverie, I can feel her muscles tighten and the walls around her quickly being put back up. She closes herself off so fast that I don’t even have time to react. Before she lifts herself up off the ground, she looks at me with those blue eyes and I feel a sense of hopelessness pour over me. How do you tell someone that it’s going to be ok, when you really don’t know, yourself?

Addison swiftly shakes free of my hands and her arms fold into her sides as if shielding herself from everyone’s gaze. I stand up so that I’m eye level once again with her and force her to look directly into my eyes. I want her to fully understand the impact that her dance had on myself and everyone included.

“That was amazing, honest, and heartfelt and touching all rolled into one. I really don’t know what else to say, Addison, other than it was beautiful.”

Shyly, she breaks the eye contact and brushes off my comments as if I’m talking about the weather. “It wasn’t any better than anyone else’s.” She responds before turning to walk back towards the other dancers.

I reach out and grab her arm, pulling her closer and away from earshot of anyone else. “It was insightful and courageous, Addi.” I whisper her nickname from when we were little kids and it seems to get her attention. “What happened to you all those years ago?” I ask while holding her gaze.

Her eyes practically cloud over and anger rises from deep within. “Don’t concern yourself with something you’ll never understand, Justin.” She says coldly, before wiggling free from my grasp and walking away from me. It takes a strong person to put yourself out there and even stronger person to do it night after night. I don’t care what she says, after that; I need to understand Addison now more than ever.

When you’re safe inside your room you tend to dream
Of a place where nothing’s harder than it seems
No one ever wants or bothers to explain
Of the heartache life can bring and what it means

When there’s no one else, look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend just trust the voice within
Then you’ll find the strength that will guide your way
You’ll learn to begin to trust the voice within

-Christina Aguilera “The Voice Within”

It’s finally opening night of Justin’s new and improved Future Sex/Love Show and backstage is alive and buzzing with people. The energy in the arena can be felt by all and I’m trying to stay calm amongst the hundreds running around with their heads cut off. I’m almost completely in my costume when the stage manager yells that we’re a half hour from show time. Rolling my eyes at his countdown, I resume getting dressed. I’ve been in this position several times prior and I know the only way to have a good show is just to be relaxed.

After lacing up my heels, I stand up and walk out of the dressing room in search of some solitude. Tonight’s the night, I’ll be debuting my solo dance in front of thousands and that part has my stomach in knots. After performing everything in front of the other dancers and Justin, I didn’t expect that it would feel liberating and terrible all in the same breath. I don’t regret my decision to perform this but I regret opening myself up to their watchful eyes. Prior to all this, I was just another dancer on the tour and no one really cared a whole hell of a lot about my life. Not that I can really complain, I like to keep my life my own business but now I feel as if everyone’s watching and wondering if I’ll break. I’m not made of glass and surely this dance is not going to get the best of me.

Rounding the corner of another hallway, I make my way towards an emergency exit. I nod my head at a security guard and he opens the door to let me out. The cool air immediately hits my face and eases my nerves slightly. The wind sends a chill up my spine and I wrap my arms around myself, trying to stay warm. I suppose I could’ve grabbed a jacket before coming out here but I was more interested in getting five minutes alone to just be alone.

Walking further away from the door, I approach a ledge overlooking the city. Letting my hands rest on the cool concrete, I take a deep breath. Tonight’s show is important to me, just to prove to everyone that I’m not going to fall, I’m not going to break. I have it in me to do this. I’m tired of everyone looking at me with these helpless eyes…why do people think I’m this sad, lost puppy? Even Justin looks at me that way. I mean come on; I’m not going to fall to my knees and just cry. I’m stronger than that…I’m better than that.

Realizing that show time is quickly approaching, I take one last breath of fresh air and turn to head back inside. I knock softly at the door and it pops open almost instantly. I smile politely at the man guarding the door before making my way back to the dressing rooms. As I approach all the other dancers, the continuous buzz is still alive despite my best efforts to isolate myself. The stage manager rounds the corner and gathers us all in one big circle. He’s spouting off words of encouragement and something catches my eye, halfway down the hall. I strain to look around everyone, only to see Justin standing there with his mom, Lynn. She smiles broadly at him before enveloping him in a hug that only a mother can and I can’t stop the tug at my heart. The rush of tears stings the back of my eyes and I foolishly turn away. What the hell is wrong with me?
________________________________________________________________________

Nothing means more to me than having my mother always being there to support me; to love me unconditionally and never let me stray down the wrong path. She’s a constant source of guidance and has no problem putting me directly in my place. In this business and the limelight that follows, you need someone like that. I don’t think my career would be half of what it is today, if it wasn’t for her. So knowing that she’s here, to see the show take on a whole new life, means more to me than she could ever realize.

Knowing that show time is less than five minutes away, I say my goodbyes and head towards the rest of my crew. It’s time to get into that moment and only these people understand what it takes to put on a show. Quickly, I make the walk towards my stage manager, Tim and the rest of my dancers. He’s busy rallying everyone around him but someone clearly stands out, maybe it’s the fact that she’s starring directly in my direction. A small smile curls off my lip and I nod my head towards Addison before joining everyone in their circle.

“Tonight is the night that everyone’s been working towards. It’s time to get the Future Sex/Love Show back on the road and to show everyone here tonight what a great team we have…” Tim said enthusiastically. “Justin…do you want to add anything?” He asks and everyone’s eyes turn in my direction.

“Just that I’m really proud of each and every one of you guys. This tour means a lot to me and I know it wouldn’t be what it is today without all of your help. Let’s have a great show!!” I say and cheers can be heard throughout the hallway.

Quickly, the mass of people scatter and my dancers start making their way through the hallways to the center of the stage. I fall behind everyone and just take a moment to appreciate this, this moment, it’s everything I’ve been working towards…it’s finally the culmination of everyone’s dedication and hard-work.

________________________________________________________________________

The last three hours seem to have flown by in a daze and I can’t even remember going through the entire show. It’s like my life was in fast forward and now someone suddenly hit the play button and everything’s crashing into my senses all at once. I barely even remember my solo dance during the intermission, I feel like I’ve been on auto-pilot. It’s probably the strangest feeling I’ve ever had after a performance. Never have I done a show and not remember each part like it was a part of my soul. I seemed to have blocked out the entire memory and I can’t decide if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

As I try to take a deep breath, I feel my costume constricting against my chest and the sudden throbbing in my feet from these heels, quickly becomes apparent. I realize I need to get the hell out of these clothes as soon as possible. I don’t have time to psycho-analyze my feelings because the backstage area is even more alive than it was prior to the show and people are making their rounds with congratulatory hugs. No offense, but I have never been one to enjoy random people holding me flush against their bodies. In fact, it kind of freaks me out.

Ducking away from the entire group of people, I make my way towards the dressing rooms in search of my bags. I’m able to avoid the rush of people that flood in Justin’s direction, once he gets backstage and a part of me wants to look back and see what he thought of the show, but I quickly shake that idea off and round the final corner. I nod at the security staff and they barely crack a smile as I gather my things and head in the direction of the busses. Damn, does my iPod and sweatpants sound amazing right now and with that thought, my pace quickens.

________________________________________________________________________

I know this is going to sound awful, but hear me out. The best thing that could’ve happened for the Future Sex/Love Show was Krystal breaking her ankle and us having to postpone the tour to find another dancer. Not only did I get a phenomenal dancer in Addison, but I had time to revamp so many sections to the tour and it brought it to a whole other level. This show just re-affirms every idea and change I made was in the best interest of the show. I’m so proud of everyone here tonight. Everything came together and meshed so well that I’m already looking forward to the next stop.

It’s over an hour since the show ended and I’m finally making my way out to the busses, after getting everyone’s congratulations and praise. The entire tour, dancers, managers, security and props have already left, except for me and my security. Swiftly, I get onto my bus and throw myself onto the couch, stretching out on the cushions. Suddenly, the door to my bus closes and the wheels abruptly jerk forward. A rush of air escapes my lips and I can feel my body already relaxing. All of the anticipation and anxiety for tonight is gone and I’m starting to give into sleep. Before letting myself slide into oblivion, I realize that out of everyone I talked to tonight…I didn’t see Addison.

That little fact seems to be eating at me and I’m worrying that maybe she’s regretting her whole decision to join my tour. I know I’m acting like a girl and rolling one idea into the next but I’m chalking it up to the feeling of exhaustion right now. Realizing that I might not get any sleep, I reach into my pocket and pull out my cell phone.

“Hello?” A groggy voice comes over the line.

A small smile plays at my lips, once I realize that she’s fine and she’s just tired. “Hey…I didn’t see you after the show…”

I can hear the deep breathing of sleep as she answers me. “I was tired and went back to my bus right away.”

“Oh…well what’d you think of the show?”

“To be honest Justin, I don’t really remember it…it’s kind of a blur in my memory.” She says before a yawn escapes.

A hint of confusion washes over me because that was the last thing I thought I’d hear but it’s Addison and usually whatever I think, I’m wrong anyways. “All right…well I’ll let you get some sleep…I’ll see ya at the next stop.”

“Ok…night Justin.” She says before the line goes dead and I can’t help but wonder what she really thought of the show. Oh well…I’ll find out at the next stop right now all I can think about is giving into sleep and with that thought my eyes flutter close.

Why is it, that when you know something’s bad for you…you do it anyways? It’s like everything goes out the window and you push aside that little voice that tells you maybe you shouldn’t. Now, in my defense I’d like to say that I’ve definitely been trying to listen to that voice inside my head…but it’s not quite loud enough yet!

We’ve been on the tour for almost two weeks now and Addison has done a hell of a job avoiding me. I have yet to actually see her, other than on the stage each night. I don’t know why that bothers me so much but I’ve never had someone be a part of my tour that doesn’t enjoy just getting to hang out with everyone outside of the performances. I guess I should have anticipated that response from her, but I figured she’d warm up to all of us by now, apparently not though.

So that’s where that little voice in my head comes into play. It’s telling me I should just leave her the hell alone, clearly, she’s not here for friendship but like I said before…who the hell listens to that voice anyways?

Quickly, I throw on a white baseball hat and cover my eyes with my sunglasses before making my way off my bus. It’s a beautiful autumn day outside with just enough nip in the air to make a sweatshirt warm enough. It’s our first real day off since the tour started and I plan to go out exploring whatever this city has to offer and well, nothing sounds better than dragging someone along for the ride and I have the perfect victim.

“Addison!!!” I shout, as she tries to duck onto her bus. I can’t believe I actually caught her doing something other than hiding away in her bus.

She peaks her head around the doors before stopping mid step and walking back down the stairs. “Yeah?” She asks as I finish the jog towards her.

“What are you doing today?” I ask.

“Just doing some stuff on my bus…I should really get back…” She says before turning away from me.

“Wait…listen, I need a favor…” I interject.

“What?” She says turning her head back towards me.

“I want to go explore the city and…” I barely get the words out before she’s quick to interrupt

“I’m busy, Justin…”

“Come on Addison, we haven’t even hung out since you got on this tour…it’ll be like old times…remember?” I beg. She visibly tightens at my words but I push on. “I promise you’ll have a good time and if you don’t, then I’ll do something you want to do the next time.”
“No, thanks Justin…go bother Marty…” She offers.

“He’s working on new choreography today with some other people…”

“How about Chris…he’s always up for something…” She tries.

“His girlfriend is here…come on Addison…you’ll have a good time, I promise and like I said before…I’ll do whatever you want to the next time.” I beg.

A small groan escapes her lips and she rolls her eyes before closing the door to her bus and walking towards me. “Who says there will ever be a next time Justin?”

I try not to let the smile take over my face but this is the first time I’ve actually gotten her to do something she doesn’t want to. It’s a small victory at least, but I’ll take it at this point.

We start walking down the sidewalk, just admiring the tall skyscrapers and the buzz of people surrounding us, as we make our way into the heart of downtown. Even though I have no real destination in mind, it’s nice to just enjoy the freedom of having nothing to do and all day to do it.

“Where are we going?” She asks breaking our silence.

“I don’t know…”

“What are we doing?”

“I don’t know…” I answer nonchalantly and she’s clearly becoming irritated.

“When are we going back?”

“I don’t know…”

“Well you’re full of answers today…” She says with sarcasm laced through her voice. “Why couldn’t someone else do this again?”

“Because I wanted to hang out with you…” I say matter-of-factly. “Don’t act like this is torture to spend the day with me…we used to hang out in Tennessee all the time with Trace and the gang.”

“Whatever Justin…listen, I’ll go along with this on one condition…”

“What’s that?” I ask, knowing what it might be already.

“We don’t talk about Tennessee, middle school or any other topic that begins with remember when…deal?” She asks stopping in mid-step.

I roll my eyes and reach for her hand, to pull her with me. “Deal…now can we just have a good time…”

A response isn’t needed and she quickly falls into step next to me. Addison is probably the most difficult person I’ve ever had to deal with in my life but sometimes a challenge is the best part.

________________________________________________________________________

I don’t really know why I agreed to going along with Justin today. I think part of me was starting to get a little claustrophobic in my bus and looked at it as an easy excuse to just get away. The other part of me knew if I didn’t go with he’d bother me for the rest of the tour to hang out anyways. I figured I might as well get it out of the way early on.

Walking alongside Justin, I can’t help but steal a glimpse in his direction and realize how much we’ve changed. The last time I ever hung out with him I was thirteen and he was back in Memphis on a break from *Nsync. Back then, he was chasing his dreams in Europe while I was still grinding it out at the dance studio. It’s amazing how care-free life was back then, running around the lake and raising hell in the neighborhood. Back then, I was just a normal kid with dreams of making it big. Back then, I never questioned people’s intentions. Back then, life was simple. Sometimes I wish I could fly back in time and stop the events that changed my life and me forever and other times I tell myself to toughen up.

A small smile plays across my lips as I remember the time Justin, Trace and myself all camped out by the lake and our parents nearly had our heads when we came back the next morning. It’s those things I miss and it’s those memories that can be very dangerous around Justin.

“What are you smiling for?” He asks, breaking me from my memory.

“I’m not smiling…” I answer with hint of defensiveness in my voice.

“Whatever you say Addi…” And there it is…my nickname from way back when and as much as I hate the feelings it evokes. I stop myself from jumping down his throat for using it and just brush it off.

Suddenly, he stops abruptly in front of a sports store and quickly opens the door, waving me through. I take the first few steps inside and I’m immediately hit with the hundreds of jerseys and sporting equipment. I have no flipping idea why we’re here but whatever…I’m just along for the ride.

“What’s your favorite sport?” Justin asks out of the blue, while rummaging through some shirts.

“What?” I ask, completely confused by this exchange.

“What’s your favorite sport?” He repeats.

“Umm…football…” I answer hesitantly, still unsure of where this is going.

“Nice choice…favorite team?” He asks.

“Green Bay Packers…” I respond and he looks up completely shocked.

“I didn’t know you were a Packer fan…I never saw that one coming at all…”

“There’s a lot you don’t know about me Justin…” I say sharply and he nods his head in agreement.

“All right…favorite player?” He says trying to switch topics.

“Easy…Brett Favre…he’s the greatest.” I say matter-of-factly.

“Figures…I shouldn’t have even asked.” Justin says while a short laugh escapes his mouth.

“All right then…same questions…” I tease back.

“Basketball…Memphis Tigers…Michael Jordan…” He rattles off and he smiles widely when he sees what he was looking for. A blue jersey with Memphis written across the chest catches his eye and before you know it…it’s already in his hands and we’re walking towards the counter. As quick as we entered, it looks like we’re already leaving until Justin stops at a rack filled with green and gold.

“You should get a Brett Favre jersey, Addison. I mean, football season is about to start…you gotta have something to wear when you watch the games.” He offers while pulling out a number four jersey.

“I already have five Justin…I’m good.” I respond while putting it back on the rack.

“Damn…and I thought I was the sports obsessed one…” He jokes before finishing the walk towards the counter. In a matter of minutes we’re already back on the street, walking further into the chaos. As much as I’m trying to enjoy the day…I can feel myself tensing up at times. It’s like I’ve completely forgotten how to be around other people; how to just let loose and have fun. I haven’t done that since the day my life changed forever. I don’t allow myself to get caught up in these situations and I’m quickly realizing why.
________________________________________________________________________

I can tell Addison is having a hard time just being herself while we walk the streets. I’m trying my hardest not to push any subject for fear she’ll take off running. It’s difficult for her to trust me and even though I have no idea why her guards are up so high…I’m just looking for some time with my friend back.

“How do you like the tour so far?” He asks, as we round another corner.

“It’s just like any other tour…not my first one.” She responds and a little bit of me is hurt by that comment. She’s comparing my tour to everyone else’s and it stings a little. “I do enjoy having my own bus though…” She says light-heartedly.

“I bet you do…I remember having to share one bus with four other guys and that was hard enough. Everyone was always in your business and sometimes you just wanted to be left alone and everywhere you turned, someone was right there. It gets tiring.”

“Exactly…” She exclaims. “It’s nice to know that when I get on the bus it’s just me and I don’t have to worry about being someone else…” She says before snapping her mouth shut.

“You know…I won’t bite…” I try and lighten her mood and she just lightly smiles but doesn’t respond. Seriously, the girl is like hot and cold with me but I got her to agree to spend the day with me and that has to account for something.

________________________________________________________________________

The sun has already made it’s descent across the city and the wind has begun to pick up. The air is starting to create a chill down my spine and I realize that my sweatshirt is not enough to keep me warm. We’re finally heading back to the hotel and I must admit despite all my hesitations about today…I actually had a decent time. There were moments where I wanted to run but for the most part, Justin kept his promise and never brought up Memphis and for that I’m thankful. I don’t have any intention of rekindling the past but it was nice to just forget and live in the moment for the day.

As we make the final turn, the bright lights of the Radison come into view and all the buses line the street. Justin shivers slightly as the wind whips our faces and both of us start to pick up the pace.

Once we’re inside the building, I can feel my body already starting to warm up and I realize just how tired I am after our excursion. Today, I found out that Justin is quite the shopper and even though I enjoy it…I’m pretty sure we went into every store we passed and maybe even twice for some. Now, I have every intention of falling into my bed upstairs and succumbing to the sleep that is already starting to claim my eyes.

He laughs when a yawn escapes my lips once we’re inside the elevator. “What are you laughing at Timberlake?”

“I wore you out today…” He says cockily.

“Don’t blow your chest up yet…” I say.

An eyebrow rises at my comment and a hearty chuckle escapes his throat. “Please…just admit it Addison, you can’t keep up with me.”

“Oh please, I can run circles around you…I’m just tired from all the traveling.”

He practically bursts into laughter at my response and suddenly the doors open to our floor. “Even though you won’t admit it…I know you had a good time today and like I said before you can pick what we do the next time.”

My hand grips the doorknob to my room and I insert my key. “Like I said before Justin…nobody said anything about a next time…Good night.” I say before disappearing into my room and letting the door crack as it shuts. Even though I won’t admit it to him…part of me had a good time today…but only a part…

I should have known that agreeing to hang out with Justin that one day would be my downfall. I had every intention of that day being the extent of our friendship and certainly the last day that we’d spend together but Justin had other plans. I kid you not, he has been everywhere I have, asking me to hang out, play videogames, go shopping, watch movies…this list could go on forever. My patience is running thin and I’m getting close to giving in or punching him right the fuck out.

Thankfully, it’s already eleven o’clock at night and I’m cuddled into the corner of my couch on the bus. Now, my sweat pant clad legs are tucked underneath my body and I’ve got a blanket wrapped around my arms. I can already feel my body starting to unwind. The show tonight went off without a hitch and I’m so looking forward to the night alone.

Just as I allow myself to relax, I hear my phone vibrate against the table. My eyes practically roll to the back of my head because I already know who it is. Reaching over, I grab it and flip it open.

“Hello?”

“I’m bored…” He states so blatantly.

“You called me for the fifth time today to tell me that?” I ask while falling back into my comfy spot.

“I haven’t called you five times today Addison…” Justin denies.

“Oh yes you have…check your call log…five times…”

I can hear him breathing deeply and he’s unwinding just as much as the rest of us from all the adrenaline and excitement of the show. “Ok…well like I said…I’m bored.”

“Well that sounds like a personal problem Justin…”

“Come on Addison…we haven’t even left the arena and I’m already bored…what am I going to do for the next 16 hours?”

“How about bothering some other poor sucker…I’ve already been the target five times today…” I whine…really now he’s starting to interrupt my relaxation.

“All right…well I’m coming over…” Justin states before the line goes dead…

“No…No…Justin??...Justin?” Seriously, now he’s getting dangerously close to getting knocked the fuck out.

I set my phone down against the table and unravel my legs while pulling the blanket up over my body. I’m fully preparing to let myself fall into a coma before he gets here. Maybe if I act dead, he’ll go away. The loud knock and the sudden shifting as he gets on my bus shoots that idea right out the window.

“Seriously, what the fuck does a girl have to do to get rid of you?” I whine while throwing the blankets away from my face.

As my eyes adjust to light, I see that he’s dressed in pajama pants and a plain t-shirt. His face is framed by a thin pair of wired glasses and he looks just about as exhausted as I feel.

“I told you…I still owe you a night of doing whatever you want…and baby I’m here ready and willing…” He starts to joke.

“Sick…” I say with a hint of disgust in my voice. “You have Jessica for that shit…by the way when is she coming to visit? When will I finally get a day alone?” I tease.

“You’d miss me too much…” Justin says before throwing himself against the back of my couch and tugging on the blanket that is secured in my grasp.

“You are out of your mind if you think you can get on my bus, crowd my couch and hog all of my covers.” I say while pulling back on the plush warmth. “Get yourself your own blanket and hop in a bunk because this couch is mine…” I demand while stretching myself out to cover all the open space.

Justin defiantly trudges over to the cabinets and retrieves his own blanket. I’m completely shocked when I hear the loud swish of the curtain to the bunks. Once I know he’s secured in a bunk, I allow myself to relax and fall into the deepest relaxation I’ve ever been in, in a long time.
________________________________________________________________________

Remember that voice of reason I was talking about a while ago? You know, the one that should come into play and tell me that I really shouldn’t be sleeping on Addison’s bus because even though my intentions are completely innocent…to most people this wouldn’t be considered in that same realm. I know I should be on my own bus, talking to my girlfriend on the phone and planning her visit soon but I don’t know…something about being with Addison has a calming effect on my body.

Addison brings me a sense of comfort because of the familiarity I share with her and even though she refuses to talk about Memphis…she’s still a reminder of home. I think that’s part of the reason for my attachment to her lately. There’s also the curiosity that is practically consuming my brain with what happened to her…what drove her into this closed off state. Nobody would ever believe that this girl used to run around with everyone in Memphis…laughing all the time and so full of life. Dance was her entire life back then and clearly all the practice and competition has paid off in a big way…but there’s so much about her that’s changed and I’m making it my mission to figure it out.

Rolling over in the bunk, I try to get comfortable in the tight space. I pull the covers up closer to my face and take a deep breath. I lay there silently for a few minutes, hoping sleep would overtake my body…or not. Reaching and pulling the curtain back, I already hop down from the bunk and walk back into living room where Addison is curled up on the couch.

“I can’t sleep in that bunk…”

“And that’s my problem because?” She responds before rolling over to face me.

“Come on…let me have the couch….” I plead and reach for her blankets.

“You touch my blanket again and I will break your hand off…” She snaps with a hint of playfulness in her voice. “There’s a couch over there Justin…and it’s calling your name…this couch on the other hand has called for me and I’ve already answered it.”

“Clever…” I respond while trudging over to the much smaller couch and throw the blankets down before falling into it and allowing my legs to spill over the ends.

“Good night Justin…” Addison says before disappearing underneath the blankets.

“Night…”

________________________________________________________________________

Why is it that when I start to feel like my life is on track and that I’m starting to feel comfortable in a situation my parents always find a way to shatter it? It’s like they have a crystal ball at home, watching…always knowing when to fuck with me. That has to be the sole reason for my mom’s call this morning. I can always count on them to steal my sense of security and rip away all trust that I try to build. Why do you think I’m so fucked up as it is?

I shuffle out of my cocoon of blankets and make my way into the back room on my bus, trying not to disturb Justin in the process. “Mom…seriously what is your problem?” I say with anger rising.

“Addison, you’ve been in Los Angeles and touring for almost two years straight…you don’t even bother to come home anymore…not to mention the lack of phone calls…”

The tension is rising in my body and I can feel it creeping up through my shoulders into my neck. I give my shoulders a slight roll while closing my eyes and taking a deep breath. “Do you seriously want to have this conversation, mom?”

“Well it’d be the most I’ve heard from you in weeks…” She says with a huff.

“Whatever mom…give me a fucking break…why can’t you just let me be? If I want to talk to you, I’ll call…If I want to come back to Memphis, I will. But guess what; I don’t want to go back…I don’t feel like calling…why can’t you just let it go?”

“We don’t deserve to be treated this way, Addison Miller…” My mom starts to scold.

“Yeah, well I didn’t deserve to be lied to for eighteen years either and then just be told out of the blue on my birthday because you felt it was the “right time”…Listen, I’m not in the mood to talk about this…I gotta go.” I say, slamming the phone closed and letting my head fall to my hands. Why do they do this to me…why make me relive all of this pain every time? I’m so tired of it…I’m so tired of being reminded. I just want to forget it all…I just want to be left alone…with the one person that I know can never hurt me…myself.

My cell phone is grasped tightly in my hands and my head is resting awkwardly on my fists when a soft knock at the door breaks me from my thoughts.

“Addison…” Justin calls out gently.

“Yeah…I’m fine…sorry if I woke you…” I say before standing up and opening the door. The image before me is one to make me smile despite my terrible mood, Justin’s hair is smashed on one side of his head and his clothes are all twisted around his body.

“Wait a second…is Addison actually apologizing?” He says with a hint of playfulness.

“Don’t get too excited…” I respond while a small smile plays at my lips.

“Are you ok?” He asks with concern.

“Yeah...don’t worry about it. Listen…I’m not really having such a great morning now…and I kind of want to be alone.”

A look of concern washes across Justin’s face before he responds. “What kind of a friend would I be if I left you alone then, Addi? Come on…the bus is pulling into a town…let’s go get some breakfast and if you want to talk…I’m here…if not, that’s ok too.”

My head is practically screaming not to go along with this plan but another part of me wants to reach out to someone…to something…for understanding, for security and mostly for comfort. My shoulders slump forward and I let out a rush of air before nodding my head yes and following in step behind Justin. Maybe just this once…it’s time I let someone be a friend.

“How’d you sleep?” I ask while peering over my glass of orange juice and take a sip. She looks so small in the tiny booth and her eyes are focused on the table in front of us. She’s been eyeing the same spot for almost five minutes straight and it’s driving me crazy how quickly she can revert back to that closed off person. It’s frustrating and irritating that she feels she can’t talk or trust me still.

She cautiously wraps her arms around her body almost as a shield from my questions and lets her eyes roam around the tiny diner. She refuses to look at me and it’s killing me that she can’t just open up to me.

“If you don’t want to talk…I understand.”

Finally, her gaze lifts to meet my eyes and their almost completely void of any emotion or feeling. There’s no sparkle or fight…it’s like their just dead. “I’m sorry Justin…maybe breakfast wasn’t a good idea. I’m having a pretty shitty morning and I’m not the best company.”

“Wow…I’m almost speechless…two apologies in less than an hour…where has my Addison gone?” I joke, trying to get some kind of reaction from her.

“I’m having an off day…don’t worry…tomorrow will be different.”

“Well then I look forward to the challenge tomorrow…” I test.

After that, the silence that falls over the booth is deafening. I’ve tried every which way to get her to open up to me and I’m starting to think that will never happen. I sigh and tell myself to just let her be.

The waitress came over and politely took our order before disappearing again and leaving us in an awkward silence. Addison unraveled her arms from around her body and sets them gently on the table.

“Can we start over?” She asks softly and my ears strain to hear her words. “This whole stupid day…can we just forget about it?”

I let out a sigh and let her words sink in, everything about them and realize she’s running, but for the first time since we started this whole tour…she’s not running from me. She agreed to go to breakfast, she’s choosing to stop whatever crap she’s dealing with and just relax with me. Maybe I am gaining some ground with Addison…maybe she is starting to trust me. “I’d like that…”

After agreeing to let everything go that happened this morning, we fell into an easy conversation about the tour. We talked about previous shows, the other dancers and even shows we’re looking forward too.

After we were done with breakfast, we made the short walk back to where all the busses had parked in an empty parking lot. The entire crew was walking around stretching their legs and a few of the dancers were out tossing a football around. Everyone was just relaxing and enjoying the morning. Addison was walking along side of me when my phone started ringing. I reach into my pocket and see that it’s Jessica calling. I nod to Addison that I need to take the call and she quickly retreats back towards her bus.

“Hey Babe…” I answer.

“Hey Justin…listen, I don’t have a lot of time to talk because we’re about to start shooting the next scene. But about your show in Memphis in two weeks…I can’t make it.”

My heart suddenly drops because I’ve been looking forward to Jessica’s visit but mostly for the time off with her in Memphis. “What…why?”

She takes a deep breath before continuing, “I’m really sorry Justin…but the director really needs us to be on set during that week…but I will get some time off this weekend…I was thinking about flying out to see you then instead.”

I sigh and realize that I’d rather see her this weekend then nothing so I try to hide my disappointment. “That’d be great…when can you come?”

“I was going to fly out on Thursday and I have to catch a flight back on Sunday. I’m really sorry Justin about this…but I promise we’ll get to Memphis soon. Honey, I have to get going…I’m being summoned…I miss you.”

I close my eyes and hold onto her voice because it’s the only thing that can make me feel better right now. “I miss you too…” And with that she’s gone.

I close my phone and let is slide into my pocket and now for the first time today…I’m the one who wants to be alone.

________________________________________________________________________

I noticed how quickly his body language changed from excitement to disappointment. His shoulders are slumped forward and he looks like he’s carrying the weight of the world on them. His hands are jammed into his pockets and he quickly avoids the mobs of people by turning around and walking back towards his bus. He doesn’t even bother to look up when someone calls out for him to join the fun. It’s not like him at all to be this anti-social and whatever that phone call was about; it’s managed to change his mood drastically.

Quickly, I hop onto my bus and grab a couple things before jumping off and heading in the direction he just disappeared in. I hesitate for a second before wrapping my knuckles on the door and clutch my bag closer to my body.

The door opens suddenly and his eyes give him away almost instantly. “Hi…”

“Hey Addi…”

“You look like you need a friend…and what kind of a friend would I be if left you alone?” I say remembering exactly the comfort those words gave me this morning.

The corners of his mouth twitch upward and he opens the door further to allow me to get on. “I don’t know what kind of company I’m going to be now.” I try to hold the laugh that is threatening to come out because of the irony of this situation and how quickly our roles have reversed.

“Don’t worry…I’m here for one reason Justin…REVENGE!!” I say while reaching into my bag and grabbing the new Wii video game MarioKart. When something is bothering me…sometimes you just need to get your mind off it and that’s exactly what I planned to do for Justin. I’ve never been one to have heart to hearts and let’s be real…I’m not about to start it now, so I do what I know best. I just try to avoid it…

Justin laughs at me before letting his competitive nature take over. “Please Addi…you’re going down again!!!”

“Justin…rainbow road is a bullshit course and you know it…come on there’s no freaking walls and you get shot out of so many damn cannons…how the hell do they expect you to stay on that road anyways…” I rant while putting the game into his wii and grabbing a controller.

Justin quickly grabs a spot next to me on the floor and soon the trash talk starts. “Addi…it’s not the courses fault that you can’t keep Yoshi on the damn road…” The game starts to load and we both quickly get caught up in the competition. This is exactly what we both needed, something or better yet, someone to just take our minds off our troubles and just have fun.

For the first time in a long time, I’m actually enjoying someone else’s company and not worrying about anything else but having a good time. Who would have ever thought that Justin Timberlake would be the one to help me find a part of myself I hid for so long?

________________________________________________________________________

The rhythmic slapping of my feet against the concrete pushes me forward. I can hear my heartbeat in my ears and I wipe the beads of sweat that have formed on my forehead off. My breathing is labored and my legs are starting to tingle from my pace but I don’t stop. I just keep running.

My arms slide back and forth against my body propelling me forward. My stomach feels like it’s in knots and I’m having a hard time catching my breath. The wind is howling around me and the sky starts to darken. The clouds roll over me and almost as if on cue the rain starts to pelt against my skin. The drops feel like fire on my skin and soon the tears start to fall from my eyes. Quickly, they mix in with the rain that’s pouring down on me and suddenly the ringing in my ears starts to get louder.

“You were adopted…”

The pain is almost too much for me to handle and the rejection cuts through my stomach and stops my legs. I’m standing there completely alone in the middle of the street, soaking wet. My chest heaves in part due to the exhaustion of running and the adrenaline that’s pumping through me from those three little words. I feel my legs start to tremble and I fall to my knees. The rain continues to pour over my body and the tears start to rack my body, sending chills down my arms. I can’t even breathe and my heart feels like it’s dying inside.

How can those words tear my world apart? How come I can come undone so fast? Why did they do this to me? Why didn’t I know sooner…why let me live a lie? As if it wasn’t possible, my sobs become harder and my arms wrap across my stomach trying to shield myself from the pain. But nothing seems to stop those words from repeating over and over again in my head and I can’t escape. I can’t get away from it…my life…my family…it’s all a lie…

I shoot up from the couch on the bus and I can’t catch me breath. My eyes are wide open and my breathing is labored. Clutching the blanket closer to my chest, I look around at my surroundings and quickly realize where I am. The pain in my stomach is all too familiar and the rejection is all to close to my heart. But once the bus comes into view, I fall back down against the couch.

It was just a dream...

...but it's still my life

The music flows across the room in a soothing beat and it fills the already packed arena from wall to wall. The smooth steady beats carry my feet across the floor on their own and I let my heart open up to the words.

“Never feel alone, never feel there’s no one there who cares for you”

My heart beat picks up with each word and it’s like I can feel the truth behind the words deep in my soul. My heart is longing to fill the void with each step I take across the stage. It’s reaching out to anyone and everyone at this point, for the strength I can’t seem to muster up on my own.

“Never feel ashamed, never feel it’s weak if you should reach for me, I'll be there to set you free.”

My hands quickly push my hair out of my eyes and trickle of sweat falls down the side of my face as the dance continues. My legs are running quickly from one end of the stage to the other before they fall out from underneath me and my body falls gently to the floor. The crowd continues to yell in excitement but I feel myself getting so lost in the song that it’s like no one is even around. My arms reach down and lift me up in one swift, fluid movement.

“I'll give you love, I'll lift you up, I'm the one who'll be around if it all falls down.”

My heart is connecting almost instantly to the words and it’s screaming for someone to hear me, for someone to be there when I break. As I let myself continue to get lost in the excitement the lights suddenly go on and the arena comes into full view. There’s not one person in the stands…there’s no screaming…there’s no cheering…it’s dead silent. My head snaps around trying to figure out what the hell is going on when a cold voice comes over the speakers.

“Your entire life has been a lie…”

My eyes shoot open and my chest is heaving trying to catch my breath. The bright lights of the outside world are shining through the windows and I let my head fall back onto the pillow. “Fucking nightmares!”

I unravel myself from the blankets and make the short walk into the bathroom. I turn the sink on and a light stream of water falls onto my hands. I splash some water onto my face and try to erase the nightmare that is still fresh in my mind. Lately, they’ve been coming more and more frequent and it’s starting to really eat at my sanity. They’re affecting me both off the stage and on. I’m having a hard time getting any quality sleep because of the fear of another nightmare and my body is becoming exhausted from all of the shows. I feel myself starting to unravel little by little and it’s something I’ve never dealt with before.

After running a towel across my face and collecting all of my thoughts, I head back to the front of the bus. I barely even get to the couch before my phone starts vibrating against the table. Reaching down, I quickly grab it and flip it open.

“Hello?” I say before folding one of my legs underneath me and taking a spot in the corner.

“Good morning Addi…” He says almost too cheerfully.

“Mmhhmm…” Somehow it doesn’t feel like such good morning.

“Did I wake you up?”

“No…I just didn’t sleep well last night…that’s all.” I say trying my best to hide my uneasiness.

“Oh…well I have a favor to ask of you.”

My eyes immediately eye the passing scenery and I try to keep my attention on the conversation. “All right…what is it?”

“Johnny actually booked me for a Fashion show that’s going to be broadcasted in a couple weeks. So…I’m going to be performing two songs and since I don’t need the full line-up of dancers…I was wondering if you would like to perform with Me, Marty and Nikki.”

My eyes immediately widen and the excitement starts to sink in. “Yeah definitely…”

“Great…we’re going to rehearse tonight since we don’t have a show. When we get to the next arena…everyone’s coming to my bus to get all the details. See you then?” He asks.

I let out a sigh and hope that I can put these nightmares behind me and get back to the one thing that is always there for me…dance. “Yeah…sounds good.” I say before hanging up the phone and letting myself get lost in the world outside these walls.

________________________________________________________________________

I knew Johnny would be adding some performances and appearances during this tour but I’m still bummed that it happens to be the weekend that Jess is coming to visit. It’s been almost a month since we’ve seen each other between getting ready for the tour and her busy shooting schedule…we just haven’t had the time. But this fashion show is important in terms of the audience and also to make some connections for William Rast.

It’s already seven o’clock in the evening when we finally roll into the arena and it’s almost instant chaos outside with the entire crew unloading the busses and getting everything inside. Quickly, I throw on a pair of rip-away’s and a sweatshirt for rehearsal before my bus starts to fill with people. Marty is first to get on and is already talking about what songs we should perform and how to tailor the routine for such a small amount of dancers. One of the best things I ever did was adding my choreographer as a dancer; he always wants to tweak routines and add new flavors. He keeps us all on our toes. Soon to follow was Nikki, Johnny and Addison wasn’t far behind.

“So…because you three are here…I assume Justin has asked you all to be a part of this performance?” Johnny asked while everyone grabbed a spot on the couch, chairs and floor.

Everyone seemed to nod their head in understanding and Johnny continued. “Well…the performance is set for 7pm on Saturday in New York. You will all catch a flight up there that morning and then board another one to meet back up with the rest of the tour afterwards.”

Everyone’s eyes were focused on Johnny as he spoke. “Justin…you’ll be singing two songs and I assume you and Marty will work out the specific elements to the performance.”

I stop my leg from bobbing up and down before glancing in Marty’s direction. “Yeah…we’ll take care of that.”

Johnny nodded his head before continuing. “Sounds good…well we’ve blocked a studio for you four to go rehearse in for the night. Please keep in mind that you only have four days to get ready and a concert still to do in that time frame…I don’t need to stress the importance of this performance.”

“We got it Johnny…don’t worry…” Marty spoke up and everyone seemed to relax when Johnny smiled.

“I know you guys will kill it…but I have to get going and I’ll leave you all to rehearsal…Justin you remember where the studio is?” Johnny asks before stopping on the steps to get off the bus.

“Yeah…I remember.”

“Good luck everyone…” Johnny wishes before departing the bus and leaving the four of us alone.

Everyone’s eyes suddenly shift to me and I know that this show is going to be great. Marty and Nikki look like they can’t wait to get started but something’s different with Addison…usually there’s a fire or a spark around her but tonight she looks exhausted.

“Well…let’s get going…the studio is right down the street.” I say and we all make our way off the bus. The four of us fall into an easy rhythm out of the arena but I reach out to grab Addison’s arm and pull her back away from Marty and Nikki.

“Are you ok?” I ask with concern clearly in my voice.

She tries her best to put on a smile and reassure me but I can tell something is haunting her. “I’m fine…” Quickly, she wriggles from my grasp and throws her hoddie up over her long hair. It’s acting as a shield for her but I know something is really wrong.

________________________________________________________________________

It’s nearing one in the morning and my whole body is practically dripping with sweat. My legs feel like their on fire and my arms feel like jell-o. We’ve been rehearsing for hours and my body is screaming at me to let it rest. Justin continues to push us all forward further and further into the routine, stopping only to correct a mistake.

My t-shirt is now glued to my body and it’s hard not to pull at the fabric. Justin eyes the three of us and for the first time tonight notices the tired looks and the heaving chests. When he finally stops, a deep rolling laughter soon fills the room and we all turn to look at him like he’s crazy.

“You guys look miserable…” He says while clutching his stomach and trying not to burst out anymore. “Let’s call it a night…we should probably get some sleep because we have a show tomorrow night.”

Marty and Nikki fall to the ground in heap of arms and legs. Their chests are rising and falling rapidly and instead of joining the party…I grab my bag and throw my sweatshirt over my head. Justin quickly gathers everything up and soon we’re all heading back to the arena to catch a bus back to the hotel.

Justin casually starts walking alongside of me and I try my best to avoid his eyes. Even though their practically burning a whole into the side of my head. I run my hand up into my hair and push it off my shoulders. I turn away from him and try to quicken my pace to catch up to Marty and Nikki but Justin seems to be onto my game.

“Addison…wait up…” He calls and I can feel my body tighten at his words.

“What?” I ask almost too quiet because Justin leans in to hear me better.

“Is everything ok? You look like you haven’t slept in days…what’s going on?”

I take a deep breath and hold back the tears that are stinging the back of my eyes. Lately, I don’t know what’s going on with me. I can’t seem to shake the nightmares at night and I fear them throughout the day that I will soon have to succumb to them again in the night. It’s like I can’t get away from them because the pain they bring is real. It doesn’t matter that they’re just a dream…the feelings they evoke are one hundred percent real. The anger, fear, rejection and sadness are so real that I can feel them from the bottom of my soul.

“I’m fine Justin…just tired tonight…” I say trying to put on a brave front.

Justin reaches for my hand and spins me to look at him. His eyes are boring into me and I can’t seem to break his gaze and I know my eyes tell a different story. “Talk to me Addi…” He pleads.

I swallow a lump in my throat because he’s doing everything he can to get me to open up and I still feel myself clamming up. My heart is screaming to just tell him maybe the nightmares will stop, maybe if I let him in, maybe if I let him be a friend, things will be different. But my head is screaming that it’s a crazy and stupid idea to think that Justin Timberlake is going to be my savior; that he is going to be the one to heal my shattered heart and take some of this pain away.

How can I possibly say the words to make him understand the pain that I go through everyday. To explain the jealousy that courses through my veins when I see his mom and him interacting in such a loving and protective way. I can’t possibly bear to see the look of pity in his eyes if I told him my story…to see his eyes stare at me with a sense of disappointment. That alone would be worse than the nightmares at night.

I take a breath and tell myself to suck it up. Pushing back the tears that are threatening to fall from my eyes, I pull my hand out of his grasp. “I’m fine Justin…leave it alone…you’ll never understand.”

And as quickly as I turned away…the tears spilled over my eyes.

I don’t believe her…I don’t care what she says or how brave she’s trying to be…there’s something wrong and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let one of my friends wallow in pain. Her eyes are sunken in and the dark circles underneath are taking over their normal blue sparkle. She looks miserable, exhausted, sad and fearful but no matter how hard I try she puts on that fake smile and pulls away. I’m through with that…I’m done playing this cat and mouse game with her. She’s just a shell of the girl I remember…

It’s only a matter of minutes until we reach the arena and are quickly being rushed into the van to take us back to the hotel. Swiftly, Marty and Nikki grab a spot next to each other and practically entangle themselves in a mess of arms and legs, trying desperately to catch some shut eye. Addison’s hoodie is completely shielding herself in the back seat and I cautiously grab the spot next to her.

Her hands come to rest quietly on her legs and her body shifts towards the window. That simple gesture pulls at my heart because she’s retreating so deep into her protective shell…I wonder if I’ll ever be able to get her to see that I don’t mean any harm. I just want to help her…to understand…to listen…to be her friend.

Cautiously, I lay my hand on top of her much smaller one and to my surprise she doesn’t pull away from my touch. She merely accepts my gesture as a way to reach out to her and it lets me know that maybe she’s not as tough as she’s trying to be. The rest of the ride is made in complete silence other than the occasional snore that rumbles out of Marty. Sneaking a couple looks in Addison’s direction, I try desperately to get a feel for what she’s going through but her face is completely covered. But it doesn’t stop me from analyzing how her hair peaks out from underneath the material and the soft curve of her shoulders down to the way my hand is resting protectively over hers. A small smile twitches at my lips and a huge wave of protectiveness flows over me. I’ve never known someone to be as closed off to people as she portrays but the few times that I’ve seen the tears and felt the sorrow in her words let’s me know that she hasn’t closed off her emotions yet. But that doesn’t mean that she isn’t well on her way there. I say a silent pray before the van pulls into the hotel for Addison…for whatever demons she holds so close to her heart and for whatever pain she’s allowing to take over her life.

My security detail unloads all of the bags and immediately the four of us trudge down the hallway towards our rooms. Nikki and Marty are first to their rooms and the exhaustion felt by all doesn’t even allow us to say goodnight, with a mere nod and a wave…they quickly open their doors and disappear inside.

The comfortable silence that existed before in the hall is quick to be replaced with one of awkwardness and tension. Addison’s eyes slowly rise to meet mine in a brief understanding and she turns to head to her room. I can tell that she’s trying her hardest to get out of this situation in the least uncomfortable way as possible. But I’m tired of just sitting on the side and watching her sink further and further into herself. I can’t stand to watch someone who I was once friends with fall apart seam by seam.


“Addi…”

Her head snaps around once my voice breaks our silence and her hand lingers on the door to her room. She hesitates to turn the knob and turns to look at me head on. I suck in a breath of air and notice for the first time the tears threatening to fall and the stains on her cheeks from the ones that have already managed that task. The pain radiating out of her eyes is almost enough to bring me to my knees.

Slowly, I walk up to her and reach for her hand. “Please talk to me Addison…”

Her breathing is shallow and she looks like she’s fighting so many demons inside. Nervously, she starts to chew on her bottom lip and she brushes away the tears that are starting to fall. I haven’t seen Addison break down like this since…well…never. But this girl is almost completely shattered and void of anything other than hurt.

“I…I…I can’t…” She stutters just barely above a whisper and turns the handle to open her door.

Before she can close the door to her room, I give one last try to reach her. “Addison…give me a chance to be your friend…to be that kid you remember from Memphis…just trust me.”

Her eyes cloud over the minute I mention Memphis and her hand steadies on the door. She looks around the room and then back to where I’m standing in the hall before nodding her head and allowing me into her room. Addison is quick to claim a spot as far away from me on the couch and tuck her legs close to her body.

I warily step further into her room and sit down on the side opposite of her. Looking over, I see her legs pulled so close that their acting as a shield from me, my eyes and more importantly my words. I don’t even know where to begin because I’m already treading in deep water as it is. It was a fight just to get her to let me into the room let alone pour out her soul. Whatever I do, I need to be careful not to push her and force her further away from me.

“Are you just going to stare at me the whole night…because you said it yourself…I haven’t slept in days and right now I could be sleeping…” She says lifting her head from her knees.

A smile overtakes my face because it’s the first time I’ve seen any kind of spunk from her today. “As much as I think you need to get some sleep…I’m not buying your ploy to get me to leave. You know as well as I do that you’re not going to fall into a peaceful slumber the minute I leave the room.

Her eyebrows rise with each word and the truth behind them registers on her face.

“What’s going on with you…”

She contemplates my question and it’s clear that she’s fighting with herself whether to tell me the truth or to push me away. But I don’t give her the chance to choose.

“Why won’t you let me in Addi…what’s so terrible about letting me in?”

She looks deep in thought and I start to wonder whether she heard me before finally speaking. “Because I don’t know how to Justin…”

“Just tell me what’s going on with you…” I push and the minute the words flow out of my mouth I regret them.

Addison looks at me with a hardened glare and her tone is one of anger. “It’s not that easy Justin…I’ve never talked to anyone about this before. I can’t just sit down her and have a heart to heart and that’s going to be the end of it. It’s not that simple…”

My eyes soften and I scoot closer towards her. “I’m sorry Addi…I didn’t mean to sound completely insensitive. I realize whatever is going on with you is something big and it’s certainly not something that can be solved in one conversation. But I can promise you one thing, if you let me try, I will do whatever it takes to help you figure this all out.”

“Why the sudden interest in my life Justin? What’s in it for you?” Addison asks skeptically.

“There’s nothing in it for me. I just can’t stand to watch someone who I once knew so well, be so completely different…”

Addison raises a hand to her hair and tucks a loose strand behind her ear. “There’s so much about me Justin that has changed. I’m nothing like the girl you remember…that girl is such a distant memory.”

Gently, I reach over and let my fingers intertwine with a few of hers. She stiffens at first to my touch but soon I can feel her body relax. “What’s so wrong with being that girl again, Addison?”

“That girl was weak…she was so lost in her perfect little world that she was blind to what was really going on around her.” Addison states and there’s a hint of disgust in her voice. “I was so stupid…so naïve.”

The confusion is clouding my head and I’m trying so hard to cut through it. Addison is finally opening up to me and as much as I want to push her to talk…she needs to get this out on her own. She needs to do it on her own terms and she needs to open up to me because that’s what SHE wants.

“I’m scared to death to let you in Justin…scared of what you might think…for the look of pity that I know will soon come with it whenever you look at me…” She raises her head up over her knees and wipes the remnants of tears left on her cheeks. With her voice barely above a whisper she says something I never imagined she would. “I’m scared that you’ll hurt me too…because the people I trust most in my life always find a way to do that…”

My throat goes dry and I feel like someone has punched me in the stomach. “What makes you think I would ever hurt you Addison…why would I hurt someone I care about?”

“It never stopped anyone before from tearing my world apart…why would you be any different?”

I try not to let that comment get a reaction but part of me is angry that she easily bunches me with whoever has caused her so much pain. “Because I am not them…”

Those five words seem to hit home with her and it looks like her head is reeling. The anger seems to be diminishing from her face and the painful expression is back to overtaking the normal sparkle in her eyes. “You’ll never be able to understand it Justin…never…my whole life is something you’ll never have to deal with. You don’t know how lucky you are.”

“Help me understand then Addi…”

The tears are starting to brim her eyes and her chin start to tremble. “Have you ever been hurt so deep that it felt like your world is crumbling? That you’re struggling to just breathe, let alone live your life like nothing’s changed. Has your heart ever felt like someone shot a bullet in it and no matter how hard you try you can’t feel anything but the pain?”

Her description makes my stomach start to churn and the only recollection I have of feeling like my life was falling down around me was the break-up with Britney. But I can see and feel that Addison’s problems are so much bigger than a break-up. “No, I haven’t…” I whisper.

The tears are falling softly against her cheeks and a blush has creped into her face. She looks so small sitting next to me. “That’s how I feel everyday of my life Justin…that pain I feel is something so real that it is now haunting my dreams. The minute I allow myself to forget and fall asleep…the quicker it rears its ugly head and reminds me. There’s no escape from it…I don’t know what to do anymore…I’m exhausted.”

The tears are falling faster and cries are turning into sobs. Her small frame shakes in pain and fear and I grasp onto her hand. Gently, I pull her towards me and let her body fall into mine. Protectively, I wrap my arms around her and she grabs onto my shirt as tight as she possibly could. She hides her head into the crook of my neck and I soothingly stroke her air. “I’m so sorry Addison…” I repeat over and over, trying to reassure her that I heard every ounce of her words in my soul.

Her words, her eyes, the tears, the pain…it was all so real and so overwhelming. I never knew of the pain she carried and I still don’t understand where it comes from or why she holds it so close to her heart. But tonight gave me a whole new sense of who Addison has become and how desperately she needs a friend. The urge to protect her was so strong that it even started to scare me.

I repositioned myself and leaned back onto the couch, pulling Addison closer to me, letting her lean into my side. Comfortingly, I stroked her back and whispered words of safety and she let herself finally relax for the first time tonight. Her tears stopped and her breathing deepened and I knew for the first time in a long time she was going to get the rest she needed…Me, on the other hand…I was in for a long night.

A beam of sunlight has maneuvered its way through the slits in the curtains and has slowly crept up my body. Its warmth settles over my cheeks and starts to flirt against my eyelids. The light is enough to wake me from my peaceful slumber and reminds me that today is a brand new day. Slowly, my eyes flutter open and adjust to my surroundings, the lamp sitting on an end table, the curtains ending just above the floor, the perfectly made bed with all the decorative pillows still in their correct position, and then the pale blue of a couch cushion wrapped underneath my legs…I don’t remember falling asleep on the couch.

I shake my head slightly in attempt to clear my thoughts and realize that my right arm is wrapped tightly against my chest while my other arm is draped casually over a hard object. My head is resting comfortable against a firm pillow and I wonder how the hell I got any sleep on this rock hard couch. Gently, I push myself up from the back of the couch and my eyes land on a sleeping Justin. Immediately, my jaw falls open and my hand is quick to cover my mouth when the realizations that not only were we cuddled together on this couch but that my arm and head were resting on his chest. Even though I tell myself that this was a complete accident, it doesn’t stop my stomach from dropping to the floor. A rush of heat flows through my body and I feel my cheeks redden in embarrassment.

Justin is lying on his back with his head resting contentedly against the arm rest. His long eyelashes are tickling his cheeks and his lips are slightly swollen from the sleep. His face displays a look of complete ease. I let my eyes roam over his sleeping form from his strong shoulders, down to the way his arm is wrapped gently across my back and to the way his hand lays softly against my waist. I take a moment to just appreciate the beauty of this moment. For one night, he was able to take the pain and heartache away; he was able to lend a hand and heart; in one night, he showed me what it meant to be a friend. I didn’t expect anything from Justin when he came into my room last night, in fact I would have been happier if he just left right away but his eyes conveyed a different story. I knew he wasn’t going anywhere despite my attempts to push him away, that simple fact, meant more to me last night than anything else.

I quietly attempt to remove myself from his grasp and this awkward position without waking him. Slowly, I peel his hand off my waist and set it softly on the cushions behind me. Next, I carefully lift my left leg and let it wrap around his until my foot hits the floor. Spinning on my arm that is still positioned on the couch cushion, my body lifts from his grasp and my legs are left straddling him just a mere inches above his own. A loose strand of hair falls from my ponytail and lands on my face; I whip my head up to push it back and in an instant my eyes are met with his cobalt ones.

“Having problems, Addi?” He asks with a hint of playfulness and a sparkle full of mischief in his eyes.

As if my face couldn’t get any redder from this whole situation, I feel my cheeks practically burning and my head falls until my forehead is flush against his stomach. I take a second to compose myself before completing what I started and remove myself from the couch.

I straighten my shirt out and run my hands over the material before saying anything. “I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to fall asleep on you…err…the couch I mean.”

Justin tries to hide his smirk before he sits up. “Don’t worry about it…I guess we were both a little more tired than we thought.”

“Yeah, I guess…” I say while my foot slides across the floor. My eyes can’t seem to meet his gaze and I don’t know whether it’s the whole sleeping next to him or because I know I let him see a side of me that I never intended him to see that has me embarrassed. I have never left myself open to any kind of vulnerability since my parents so conveniently shattered my life and I’m realizing that Justin holds a bit of power over me in this situation. I don’t like feeling susceptible to hurt and I regret ever letting him see me breakdown like that. I think I was just so exhausted that my emotions took over the logical side of my head and now the consequences of this entire situation is something I will have to deal with.

Justin stands and straightens his clothes out before walking the few steps to stand in front of me. His hand raises and gently tucks a piece of hair behind my ear before letting his hand slowly fall next to his side. “Are you ok with everything that happened last night?”

My eyes dart to the floor and a rush of heat floods to my cheeks. “I kind of have to be ok with it…I mean it happened and I can’t go back and undo it.”

His mouth twitches into a straight line and look of disappointment crosses his face at my words. “Please don’t regret last night…Addison, it is ok to let other people in, you know?”

“Maybe for you or people like Marty and Nikki…but for me, nothing good ever comes from letting someone into my world. Listen Justin, I really don’t want to do this again. Thank you for staying last night and making sure I got the rest that I so desperately needed. But you don’t owe me anything. Really…I’m fine.” I explain and try my best to put a smile on my face.

The skepticism and hurt flashes through Justin’s eyes and I can hear him dispel a huge breath of air. I know I’m hurting his feelings by dismissing the entire event as nothing more than a moment of exhaustion but the reality is I’m scared to death. I let Justin in just enough to show him that I’m not fine, that I’m just this scared, vulnerable and completely broken girl. I’m terrified that he’ll break me down now too…how many times can I break before I’m completely shattered?

Justin doesn’t respond to my dismissal he simply reaches out to pull me into a hug. It’s not an overly touchy hug or one that is meant to comfort. It’s merely a gesture to let me know I’ve got a friend in him.

He pulls away from the embrace just enough to look me straight in the eyes. “I’m not going anywhere Addi and I promise if you let me, I can be the friend you remember…just give me a chance.” He pleads and rather than answer, I simply smile up at him. With a quick squeeze of my hand and one last smile, he opens the door and walks down the hall back to his room.

“Don’t make promises that you can’t keep Justin…” I whisper to myself once I shut the door.

________________________________________________________________________
(Later that night)

I’d be lying if said I didn’t spend the entire day thinking about last night with Addison. Even now, a mere fifteen minutes away from show time, the events of everything still plague my consciousness. I can’t possibly say that I understand her pain or can sympathize in any way but I did see a different side to her. She’s built these walls around her heart and she refuses to pull them down for anyone and that’s a scary thought. I can’t imagine what life must be like never feeling like you can trust someone or love someone fully without the fear of getting your heart broken. After last night, I don’t think broken is a strong enough word to describe Addison…I think she’s one second away from being shattered. That thought is frightening and it leaves me feeling protective of her. I don’t care what she said earlier…I know a part of her is relieved to let some of that pain go and let me in. I made a promise that I would be there for her no matter what and I will try my hardest to live up to that because that’s all she really needs.

Securing my ear pieces into my ears, I shake my head trying to erase these thoughts from my head and get ready for the show. Snapping the battery pack onto my belt, I walk out of my dressing room. The hallways wind on forever and the crew is busy pushing carts and wires from one end of the arena to the next. The backstage area is alive and buzzing with people finalizing all of the last minute details. Quickly, I find the entrance to the stage and walk underneath the canopy, passing several crew members and a few sound guys on the way. The crowd roars with excitement and my adrenaline is kicking in at the sound.

I grab my microphone and smooth my suit down one more time before I walk towards the lift but a set of familiar green eyes halt, my movements. Softly, the lamps cast a shadow over her face and the light brown hair curled around her face is all I need to see to know Jessica’s here.

“Hey baby…” She says just loud enough for me to hear over the crowd, once she’s by my side.

I wrap my arms around her waist and pull her closer to me. “Jess…I can’t believe you’re here…when did you get in? I thought your flight would get in after the show…”

Softly a finger lands on my lips and a smile plays at the corners of her mouth. “I caught an earlier flight…I wanted to see the show…”

I can feel the smile overtake my face and it’s the first time in a long time that we’ve been together with our crazy schedules. Between the tour and her shooting a movie, we just haven’t had the time to be a normal couple. “I’m so glad you’re here baby…”

She nods her head at my words and places a soft kiss against my lips. “Good luck tonight Justin…”

“Justin…you ready?” Marty calls out and I turn to see everyone standing together waiting for me to get the show started. My eyes immediately land on Addison and she’s starring back at the two of us with a look of disbelief but she’s quick to recover and hide it with a smile.

“Yeah…let’s go.” I call out and everyone scatters to their appropriate areas. Swiftly, I give Jess a kiss before walking to get onto the lift with Marty. My adrenaline is shooting through my body once I feel the floor move from underneath me and I immediately forget about everything and focus on the performance at hand.

________________________________________________________________________

My God, this day just seems to be dragging on forever. I guess it doesn’t help that I was up at the crack of dawn and that I woke up practically on top of Justin. But that’s beside the point. The concert tonight was another one for the books and Justin seemed extra jazzed up…probably because Jessica’s in town. I didn’t mean to look so shocked when I saw them hugging and kissing tonight but I guess I was a little taken back by the whole exchange. Also, a part of me was highly embarrassed over the fact that Justin and I accidentally slept together last night and now his loving girlfriend just happens to show up tonight. I suppose that doesn’t make a great first impression…

Anyways though…Marty, Nikki and I are arrived at the studio about twenty minutes ago and are patiently waiting for Justin to arrive so we can practice for the fashion show. Marty and Nikki have been playing some weird game and every so often a loud laugh will ring through the walls. I glance in their direction and smile at the picture those two make. Suddenly, a sharp ring pierces my ears and I reach into my bag to grab the culprit.

“Hello?” I answer while putting the annoying contraption up to my ear.

“Hey Sweetie…” My mom says almost too cheerfully for eleven o’clock in the evening.

“Hi…” I say with a slight roll of my eyes.

“How’s the tour going?” She tries to ask nonchalantly.

“It’s good…we’re actually in the middle of rehearsing…did you need something?” Ok, so it’s not a complete lie…but whenever Justin decides to drag his ass in here we will be rehearsing.

“I’ll make it quick then…I was just wondering how long you’ll be in Memphis for when Justin’s tour swings through…it’s the talk of the town being that the golden boy is coming home.”

Fuck…I forgot that Justin’s tour coming back to Memphis was going to be all over the news there. I can’t really tell my mom that we’re just waltzing through because knowing Justin…he’s going to be hanging around with everyone for that week off. But there’s no way in hell I’m going to spend an entire week in my parent’s house alone with them. “I don’t know what the plans are yet…I have a couple things I’m going to do but other than that…I’m not the tour manager…therefore I don’t know what’s going on when we get back to Memphis.”

“Don’t get smart with me young lady…your father and I are…”

Instead of giving her the chance to go all parental on me, I cut her words off. “I really don’t have the time to get into this now besides everyone’s here and they’re waiting on me…I got to go.” I hurriedly say before closing the phone and shoving it deep inside my bag.

“Making plans with Dave and Kathy for next week?” Justin asks cheerfully and I practically jump out of my skin.

“Jesus Justin…you scared the crap out of me. When did you even get here?” I ask, before looking around at everyone else whose eyes are glued to our exchange.

“Just a minute ago, sorry I didn’t mean to scare you but I couldn’t help but overhear you talking to what I assume was your mother.” He explains sheepishly.

Rolling my eyes, I answer, “Yeah, you could say that…”

Justin’s brows furrow at my answer but he dispels any worry with a grin. “Well, tell your mom we’ll be in Memphis for about a week. I’m sure they’ll be thrilled to have you back home.”

The nerves pool in my stomach at his words because I realize I’m about to get trapped in my worst nightmare. “Yeah, something like that…”

“We’ll have to get together one night…I don’t think I’ve seen your parents since our high school graduation when I came back to walk with everyone.” He recalls while running his hand through his short buzzed hair.

“I wish I could say the same…” I mumble and his eyes dart to mine, clearly displaying a look of concern but I brush it off before he can delve deeper into my little slip. “We should probably get going on rehearsing. We only have one day left to practice…”

Justin’s mouth is pulled into a tense smile and I know he’s not going to let that little slip go unnoticed but he can’t argue with the fact that the show is really only two days away and we’re not ready yet. Before he can quiz me on that little fact, we’re already moving into the choreography and the music pulsates throughout the room, clouding any explanation. Hopefully tonight, I can get through the rehearsal and make it back to my hotel room without the help of Justin. That’s the last thing I need, him thinking I need him…I mean…I don’t…really…I don’t…

I miss him…

Ok, I said it…I admit it…I miss Justin freaking Timberlake…

That’s sick right?

I don’t know how it happened…

But I miss his incessant phone calls, unexpected visits and annoying questions…I haven’t had any kind of contact with him since the arrival of Jessica last week. Other than seeing him at the fashion show, he has been completely MIA around the tour. I suppose I understand the reason for his absence, he hasn’t seen Jessica in almost a month. So who can really blame him? Besides he doesn’t owe me anything…I guess I just got used to having him around and now that he’s not…well, I sort of miss the goober.

Speaking of the fashion show, the performance went great. Marty and Justin really worked hard on transitioning between My Love and SexyBack and everyone seemed to be rocking out with all of us. That’s the true test of a performance anyways, how well the crowd responds to it. So on that aspect, it was a complete success. But on the other hand, if I never have to be at a fashion how ever again in my life…I’ll be ok with that. For one, I don’t care about fashion trends and making sure my clothes are current. I’m sure most of those designers would have a heart attack knowing my wardrobe centers around jeans and hoodies and that’s about it. Oh well, I don’t really care. Secondly, I have never been surrounded by so many fake people in one area, all just kissing each other’s asses and then talking smack the minute they were out of ear shot. It was nauseating.

Justin spent a majority of the night being that ass-kisser as well. Since Trace was not at the show, Justin had the honor of schmoozing the big execs for his new clothing line. I think most of the people were in awe that Justin Timberlake is actually a designer that cares about his work. He’s not just another celebrity to attach his name to a bunch of random products. So I didn’t even hear anyone bash him all night long. I suppose that’s a good thing for him but seeing the business side of his life made me appreciate the real Justin more. I mean to me, he’s the guy who wears rip-aways on his days off and would rather lounge around playing video games than put on a suit and tie to attend some cocktail party. In fact, that’s the guy I miss now…

Thankfully now that the fashion show is done, I can just focus on the tour and enjoy my favorite time of year. Today is opening kickoff for the National Football League. Oh yes, I’m the biggest football fan, you’ll ever meet. Even though dancing is my passion, football definitely comes in a close second. There’s nothing better than sitting in front of the TV on a Sunday afternoon watching the action-packed games.

Besides, this year I have a vested interest in the Green Bay Packers now that Brett Favre’s pansy ass decided to join the New York Jets. I mean seriously, the Pack gave him his start and now he’s just going to jump ship on his home team…that’s just wrong. So I am proudly sporting my new white, green and gold Greg Jennings jersey in honor of my team and I plan to plant my ass in front of the hotel’s big screen TV for the rest of the day.

Grabbing my cell phone, I open my hotel room door and step out into the hallway. Latching the door behind me, I make my way down the hall and catch an elevator to the first floor. The doors part and I quickly make a sharp left, heading in the direction of one of the TV rooms. My steps are almost immediately halted when I hear my name being called.

“Addison…wait up…”

I spin around and catch sight of Justin jogging towards me.

“I’m glad I found you…” Justin says with a hint of excitement in his voice, as he comes to stand in front of me. “I like your jersey…85 huh…that’s Jennings, right?”

I let a crooked smile overtake my face at his knowledge about the Pack. “Yeah, I have to support my team today.”

“I thought you were a die hard Brett Favre fan?” He asks as his head tilts slightly to the right.

“Oh I am, but after all of that crap with Thompson, McCarthy and Favre…I think it’s only fitting to be supporting the true players for the Packers now.”

Justin lets out a chuckle at my explanation. “I never knew you were that big of a Packer fan.”

I shrug my shoulders and shift my weight. “Yeah…I guess I am.”

“Well then I’m glad I caught you…I rented the penthouse for everyone to get together and watch the games. A bunch of people are already up there hanging out but I came to find you.”

“Oh…” I can feel my body practically being pulled in two directions. Part of me wants to be there because it’s opening kickoff…the other part…oh screw it. This is the best damn day of the fall. “Yeah, let’s go…”

Justin’s face practically lights up and he starts to lead the way back towards the elevator. He quickly darts through the doors and pulls me in behind him. The silence swiftly takes over the small room and I realize how long it’s been since I’ve actually spent any time with Justin. I glance sideways, letting my eyes wander up his body from his white puma’s, loose fitting faded jeans, the black belt around his waist up to the tucked in baby blue San Diego Chargers, LaDainian Tomlinson, jersey.

Justin notices my wandering eyes and smiles crookedly at me. “Are you checking me out Addi?”

The heat floods all the way from my toes up to my cheeks at his question because I realize that was exactly what I was doing. “Oh please, you wish I was checking you out…” I try to deny and divert the attention away from the obvious.

A hearty chuckle escapes his lips just as the elevator dings and the doors open. “Whatever you say Addison…”

Immediately, I’m hit with hollering, clapping and cheering from practically the entire crew all packed into the penthouse. There’s a table set up with a hundred different appetizers and coolers packed full of beer. The centerpiece of the entire room is the gigantic flat screen that has the pre-game show already playing. Already lined with people, the couches are plush full of different colored jerseys and a few footballs being tossed around.

Justin returns quickly with a couple beers and hands me one. “Thanks.”

“No problem…let’s grab a spot…” Justin leads the way to an open couch and sits down. I follow behind and tuck myself into the opposite corner while my eyes immediately attach to the TV with the mention of the upcoming Packer/Viking game. This is a monumental game for the Packers…it is Aaron Rodgers first chance to prove he can lead the Pack to the Super Bowl.

My attention is completely diverted to the pre-game show that I don’t even realize Justin has been analyzing my face the entire time since we’ve sat down. Suddenly, a laugh breaks through my concentration and I peer over my beer at him.

“What?” I ask as my eyebrows lift in confusion.

Justin smiles broadly at me before he crosses his leg casually over the other. “I just never knew you were such a die hard fan of football…in fact, most girls would rather be out shopping than sitting at home watching the games. I don’t think I’ve ever known any girl who shares my enthusiasm for football

“Oh trust me, there’s nothing that would keep me from watching the games. I’ve never understood why people don’t enjoy football…the hits, the deep passes, the touchdowns…it’s so exciting. What can I say? I love it…”

“Well, you’ve just become my favorite person to hang out with on Sunday’s…” Justin states matter-of-factly.

I tuck my legs up underneath me as I turn my body towards him. “Doesn’t Jessica like to watch football?”

Justin’s face tightens slightly at my comment and I realize maybe it’s not a good topic to talk about. “Nah, in fact she’s out shopping as we speak. There’s no way she would sit here and watch the football games with me.”

A frown plays across my face at that fact. “I’m sorry, that sucks…”

Justin tries to brush off it off before answering. “Yeah, well what can you do? I guess, I’ve just gotten used to it…”

Suddenly, the cheers roar over the TV and everyone around us has found a spot on the surrounding couches and chairs as the Packer game gets ready for kick off. “Oh, it’s starting…I swear to God, if Aaron Rodgers blows this game…I’m heading straight to Lambeau field to give Ted Thompson a piece of my mind.”

Justin’s laugh echoes through the room at my words and a true smile overtakes his face. “Oh, I’m sure he’d be really scared of you, Addison..”

Even though it makes me feel like a two year old, I stick my tongue out at Justin and let my eyes focus back on the game. Did I mention another reason why I love football so much? The player’s butts in those pants!!!

________________________________________________________________________

“OH COME ON REF!!!! THAT’S A BULLSHIT CALL!!!!!” Addison yells at the TV and everyone’s eyes shift towards her. I just laugh at the picture she makes…I’ve never seen a girl get so involved in the game. Her outbursts have been getting louder as the game nears a close and the Packers are just barely holding onto the lead.

One of her knees is pulled up to her chest and her body is leaning closer to the TV. Her eyes are completely glued to the action that’s unfolding with only two minutes left in the fourth quarter.

Suddenly, Aaron Rodgers unloads a deep ball down the right side line and into the wide open arms of Greg Jennings. Addison pops straight up onto her feet, her arms stretched above her head. “GO, GO, GOOOO!!!” She’s yelling at the TV and everyone’s cheering just as wildly. The room erupts into a sea of clapping hands and Addison is practically exploding out of her skin in enthusiasm.

“DID YOU SEE THAT?” She yells over to me.

“Yeah…that was an awesome throw!!”

“Take that Brett Favre…Aaron Rodgers is the man!!!” She exclaims and with that touchdown, the Packers have secured their first win of the season.

“You’re something else, you know that right?” I tell her.

A look of skepticism flows over her face and a timid smile pulls at her lips. “Uhh…thanks, I think.”

“It’s not bad…I just think you’re hilarious when you watch the Packers…in fact, we have a date every Sunday from here on out to watch the games together. You provide enough entertainment that I don’t even have to pay attention to the game to know what’s going on.”

“Well, I’m glad I amuse you Mr. Timberlake…” She teases and takes another sip of her beer.

Suddenly, a sharp ring from my cell cuts through the room and I reach into my pocket to grab it. “Hey Jess…how’s the shopping going?” I ask and Addison quickly excuses herself to get another drink. A couple seconds later, Addison returns with two beers and hands me one as I flip my phone closed.

“Thanks for the beer, but I actually have to head out…Jess just got back from shopping and we’re going to hang out before I take her to the airport tonight.”

“Oh, all right.” Addison says.

“Well, it’s been…interesting to say the least…I’ll see you tomorrow though for the show…” I say as I make my way around the couch back towards the door. I slap hands with Marty on my way out and he quickly claims my spot next to Addison on the couch.

Addison shifts her weight and leans back. “Yeah, definitely…thanks for the room, the beer and food…”

I wave it off as no big deal and reach for the door. “I’ll talk to you later…have a good time everyone…” I yell over the TV and a chorus of thank-you’s fill the room.

Before I walk through the door, Addison catches my eye one last time and smiles brightly. And for the first time it's not forced, but of genuine happiness…

I’m so nervous I can barely sit still. My legs are twitching. begging me to move and if this bus wasn’t cruising down the interstate at 75mph, I would throw myself out the door and start running in the opposite direction as fast as I could. I can feel my hands start to tremble and I quickly clasp them together, hoping they will steady themselves. My stomach feels like its two seconds away from heaving and I can barely focus on anything other than this pit eating away at my insides. I’ve been dreading this day ever since I arrived on Justin’s tour. It’s the one stop on the tour that I can’t avoid, I can’t lie about our location, and I can’t get out of this even if I were lying on my death bed. In fact, my death bed sounds better than having to face my mom and dad or should I be politically correct and say the two people who adopted me. In fact, I’d rather lock myself in this bus for an entire week straight than go back to my house.

I know you think I sound like some ungrateful piece of shit, I mean two people brought me into their home and raised me like one of their “own.” Right?! Ha! That’s the stupid little image they portray to the small town of Shelby Forest. It’s sickening to walk around here, where everyone knows everyone and I have to be known as that girl who uprooted herself as soon as she got the chance. I’m branded as the social outcast, the horrible-ungrateful daughter, who turned her back on her loving parents. Even though nobody here will admit their prejudices, in most cases they all smile politely at me, it’s written all over their faces and in their eyes. Their disapproving stares and pitiful glances at my parents…I just want to scream. It’s all bullshit! Truth be told, nobody here even knows that Kathy and Dave Miller are not my real parents. Nobody knows that my parents, oh so conveniently crushed my world when I was just eighteen years old, nobody knows about the horrible nightmares that wake me from my sleep and leave my chest heaving, nobody knows the pain of loneliness that encompasses my life from the minute I wake up to the minute I close my eyes at night. I don’t care if everyone here in this small town looks at me like I’m the one to blame for this rift in our “family.” Because it’s all a lie anyway…what family hides the fact that I’m not their child to begin with? What family would just drop that bomb on you because it’s the “right time?” And what family would refuse to help you search for your biological parents?

I make no apologies for the coldness and distance between myself and my “parents.” I didn’t ask for any of it and I certainly refuse to be the one to smile, hug them and pretend like what they did to me is ok. I don’t think anyone here can possibly understand my reasoning unless you’ve been in my shoes or felt what I still feel. It just hurts that in one day my entire life changed; my happy memories growing up were obliterated, everything about this place went from being home to a nightmare. But it’s not my job to explain it to anyone or to make them understand because I just don’t give a shit about this small town anymore and the image my parents want to maintain.

I take a steady breath, trying to calm my nerves and settle the butterflies in my stomach. The bus has finally pulled onto Main Street and a groan escapes my lips when I see the entire town lining the curbs to welcome their golden boy home. I have officially walked into a nightmare. The bus pulls to a stop and my driver, Luke, turns to let me know I can get off here to meet my parents. He gives me a sympathetic look because he’s the only one on the tour that has the slightest inclination that I’m dreading this entire week in Shelby Forest. I try to produce a reassuring smile but a pathetic twitch plays across my face instead. Grabbing my iPod, I pull my sweatshirt over my body and walk towards the doors. The crowd’s excitement has audibly gotten louder which means Justin is already outside greeting everyone. One last deep breath and my door opens, I step onto the pavement and a cool breeze floats through the air. I pull a pair of sunglasses down over my eyes and scan the familiar town for two sets of eyes that I haven’t seen in years. I catch a glimpse of Justin hugging his mother and grandmother and his face displays a look of pure contentment. I wish I could feel the same thing.

Slowly, I walk further away from my safe haven and into a sea of people. I notice a couple familiar faces and I try to avoid their stares. Most people haven’t comprehended the idea of subtlety in this town, with their pointing fingers and hushed whispers that can clearly be made out as my name and wondering why I’ve returned. Slumping further into my sweatshirt, I stride towards the general store. But before I can reach the porch steps, I halt-mid step as familiar brown eyes meet mine. I let my eyes slide over her small frame, her short brown hair that is pulled away from her face and she’s clad in a white sweater and jeans. She’s the typical southern bell and she’s about as opposite from me as I can imagine. A hesitant smile crosses her features before she approaches my frozen form.

“Hi sweetie…” She calls in a southern drawl.

I shift my weight from one foot to the other before responding. “Hi…”

Timidly, she pulls me into a hug and my body stiffens at her touch. I let my arms lie perfectly still at my side as hers wrap around me. My dad is looking over my mom’s shoulder and quickly gives me a disapproving glare at my lack of excitement over seeing them.

“There are people around, Addison. Don’t act like a child…” My mom scolds.

I roll my eyes because she still talks to me like I’m five years old. “Don’t worry…I won’t ruin your perfect little world here…Let’s get this over with…” I say as I remove myself from her embrace. Swiftly, I throw my bag over my shoulder and walk towards their SUV.

My mom and dad flank me on either side as we walk through the hoards of people gathered around Justin. I don’t bother to look back because the last thing I need to see is his smiling face. Even though it’s not his fault…I partially blame him for making me return to this god awful place.

I slide into the backseat and prepare to return to the house that once held so many memories for me. From sleepovers, to holiday celebrations, to family gatherings, this place used to be the center of my world, oh how quickly one day can change a lifetime of memories. The drive from the center of town to just barely the outskirts, didn’t last more than five minutes. The gravel rocks can be heard popping against the side of the car as we approach the familiar white house and that uneasy feeling has once again settled in my stomach. Slowly, I step out of the vehicle and gaze up to the wrap around porch, the mahogany front door, the perfectly painted white siding and glass windows…it’s almost as if nothing’s changed. The steps creek underneath my weight and I push the door to the past wide open.

My mom gracefully floats through the door and flutters into the kitchen. I think it’s ingrained in her southern etiquette to be in the kitchen cooking, even when it’s just me.

“How’s the tour been going, Addison?” She calls as my eyes scan the fireplace, lined with family pictures.

I cringe when my eyes land on the picture of my last dance competition in Memphis. It was my eighteenth birthday and the one day that I can’t ever seem to forget. “It’s fine…” I call back to her.

My dad clears his throat at my lack of conversation and it’s his silent way of encouraging me to speak up. My dad and I are very similar in the sense that we’re not big talkers. But he knows that our entire family has been strained ever since the news of my adoption and he wishes I could learn to let it go and forgive them. I roll my eyes at his critical reaction because even though he doesn’t voice it, I know he blames me for this whole mess.

“I bet its great being with Justin again…you two used to hang out when you were little.”

“It’s all right…we haven’t seen each other since we were thirteen or fourteen so it’s kind of awkward. It’s not like we were best friends or anything…”

“Well he certainly is doing well for himself…But you know it’d be nice if you’d call every once and while from the tour.”

Here we go with the guilt trip…

“The tour keeps me busy…I don’t have a lot of free time.” I answer, trying to diffuse what is sure to lead to an argument.

My mom steps out of the kitchen and stands near the doorway to the living room. “We are still your parents, Addison. Don’t forget that and we don’t deserve to just be pushed to the back burner…” She starts to rant and her stance becomes one of defiance. My mom can be this timid, shy, southerly woman but the minute she feels a fight coming on, it’s like a beast just rips through her. “You know, people ask us everyday how our daughter’s doing, what’s she up to, why she hasn’t returned to Tennessee? How would that make us look if we said we don’t know how you’re doing, what you’re up to and why you haven’t returned in over two years?”

I feel a fire start to burn inside and my walls of protection are quickly assembling around me to block out the pain she’s likely to inflict. “I don’t know, Mom. How would that make you look to this town?”

Just then, a deep masculine voice bellows through. “Addison Miller, watch your tone…”

I can feel my eyes start to roll because this is exactly what I was dreading. They both treat me like some misbehaving child, rather than a young woman whose life they had a hand in fucking up.

My mom crosses her arms in front of her body. “You really need to grow up and act like a young lady.”

Oh god, here comes the scolding and I really can’t take this now. “I haven’t even been in the door five minutes and you’re going to lecture me on my behavior. Why do you think I never come back to this place? I need to go…” I say before dropping my bag near the steps towards my room and heading back out the door we just came through.

My parents don’t even bother to call after me because they know it would cause a scene and that’s the last thing they want. If the neighbors catch wind that we’re fighting five minutes into my illustrious return, well that would just be major town gossip and I know my mom wants absolutely none of that. It’s sickening how much other people’s opinions matter to her, I’ve seen the devastation it can cause when you do care and that’s the main reason why I don’t.

I walk towards the gravel path that wraps around the house back towards the woods. The path is slightly overgrown with weeds but the rocks lead the way away from the house, deeper and deeper into the forest. Pushing a few branches out of the way, I head back towards a clearing that I used to spend hours in when I was a kid. It’s where I would listen to music, read my fairytale books, and dream of what my life would be like when I got out of this town. A few more steps over some protruding tree roots and the clearing quickly comes into view. The two giant boulders are still in the corner where I remember and the plush green grass covers the ground. I take a deep breath just remembering when my life was simple. When I believed that my life was just as ordinary as every other kid.

I let me hands fall to the cool stone and pull myself casually on top of it. Taking another deep breath, I play back the fight that just occurred with my parents. I didn’t mean to act like an immature child by running out on them, but if I stayed there it would have gotten even more heated and I can guarantee that I would spend the rest of the week on my tour bus, if that was the case.

Even though, I was dreading this day with everything inside, part of me wished that it would be different. I wished that my parents would accept the fact that I’ve been hurt by their decision. I wished that they would understand that I need some kind of closure to this, that I need to know more about who I am and whom my parents really are. I need something to grasp onto when my life feels like it’s constantly spinning out of control. It’s not like I haven’t tried to get past all of this. I can’t possibly tell you how many times I’ve tried to forget about it, to tell myself that it didn’t matter…but I can’t pretend to be something I’m not.

I’m so lost and confused all the damn time. I’m hurt and bruised from all the abuse they’ve inflicted on my heart. They would rather me put a smile on and pretend like everything’s right in the world, when it’s not. It’s so hard to fake a smile when your heart can barely breathe. I know how fucked up I am inside…I just wish they would comprehend it too.

Over these past years, I’ve lived with the pain and I’m realizing it’s getting harder and harder to keep suppressing it. I need someone to be there for me, to believe in me, to love me unconditionally, to tell me it’s going to be ok when I can’t possibly see how it could, I just want someone to understand and help me get through this because I’m so tired of this. I’m tired of fighting on my own.

The sun is setting over the yard and the shadows are slowly creeping up from the big oak tree towards the house. The sky is a mix of bright yellow’s and orange’s and if this place didn’t make me cringe, I’d say nothing could be more beautiful than sitting here watching it right now. The air has a slight nip to it and I snuggle deeper into my sweatshirt while pulling my legs up towards my chest. Sliding the gray material around my legs, I wrap my arms protectively around my knees. I can remember spending days on end doing this very thing, just sitting on the porch swing overlooking the yard, enjoying the moment. It’s been so rare that I’ve slowed down enough to do anything like this and I realize maybe I should make more of a point to reflect every once and awhile.

After last night’s blowout with my parents and hours spent crying alone, I’ve finally calmed down. I realize that things got a little overheated between the three of us and it completely boiled over when I came back. My mom scolded me like I was a child and my dad jumped in throwing his two cents around. They screamed at how ungrateful I was being and that I was an embarrassment running off like that. Rather than throw more words out, especially when they fall on deaf ears, I just stood there letting them rant. I’m tired of trying to explain my side of everything, especially when no one seems to care anyways.

Suddenly, a breeze ruffles the few leaves that haven’t fallen to the ground yet and the sky blazes a fiery red. The sun is slipping further and further into the horizon as another day comes to a close. My head is immediately jerked away from the peaceful view when a black escalade turns into my driveway. I sit up straighter, as the vehicle comes to stop right in front of me and a head of tiny curls peeks out.

“Hey Addison!” He calls out to me. His eyes are sparkling and his whole body is radiating happiness.

A weak smile forms at the side of my lips because even though I’ve had anything but a welcoming time at home, it’s still nice to see him. “Hey…” I manage to squeak out as he approaches the porch swing.

His eyes immediately take in my slumped frame and protective position, as he sits down next to me. The look that crosses his face is one of concern and confusion. “Are you ok?” He asks gently.

I tuck a loose strand of hair behind my ear and slowly meet his eyes. I’m battling inside whether to tell him the truth or just protect him from the sorrows that come with being one of my friends. A rush of air escapes my lips and my shoulders visibly relax in his presence. “I’ve been better…”

His hand reaches out to rest upon my arm and the warmth flows through my sweatshirt. “Where are your parents?”

“They went over to a friend’s house for dinner. I wasn’t feeling up to it, so I stayed here.”

“Oh I see…Did you want to talk about it?” He asks softly.

It’s the first time in a long time that anyone has said those words to me. In fact, I can’t even remember when someone bothered to care about what I was feeling. It’s caught me so off guard that I just simply shake my head yes.

Gently, Justin reaches for my hand and I let mine slide into his much larger one. He pulls me towards his car and opens the door before I climb inside. Quickly, he closes the door and gets into the drivers side. “How about we get out of town for a little bit…I’ve wanted to go to the lake ever since we got back yesterday.”

He smiles over at me and starts the car. In a matter of a few seconds, we’re turning away from my house and heading down the familiar path towards the lake we used to play at when we were kids. With each mile that goes by, I realize the irony in the situation because there’s no turning back anymore when it comes to Justin. He already knows a little bit about the pain I’ve been through but he doesn’t fully understand it. I know I don’t want to keep running, I’m just so tired of it. I’ve got nothing left to lose…

Justin cautiously pulls the truck to a stop in the gravel parking lot before unbuckling his seatbelt and stepping outside. I open the door and walk towards his waiting form. He gives me a reassuring smile before leading the way alongside the lake towards a picnic table overlooking the sparkling water. Carefully, I pull myself up onto the table and sit down next to him.

“What have you and Lynne been up to since we got home?” I ask, glancing in his direction, trying to prolong the inevitable.

The look that crosses his features, sends a pang of resentment through me, he’s so lucky and he doesn’t even know it. “My whole family came to my mom’s house last night, my grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles; even my brother’s were there to see me. It’s been so long since I’ve had been surrounded by my family…it was a great way to be welcomed back home.”

I feel my insides ache at his story because that’s all I’ve ever wanted. I just want to feel like I belong. “Wow, it sounds like every Timberlake and Harless was in Shelby Forest last night.”

He chuckles lightly and runs his hand through his hair. “Yeah, you could say that…”

“Hmph…” I say while turning my eyes towards the water.

I can feel his eyes scrutinizing my entire face as I scan the open water. His look is unnerving and my hands start to tremble. Gently, Justin reaches over and encompasses one of my shaky hands. His long fingers softly grasped mine and a sense of comfort immediately envelops me. I let my eyes travel over to meet his blue ones and he arches an eyebrow in my direction.

“What have you been up to since we arrived, yesterday?” He probes.

I let out a breath of air and a crooked smile plays at the corner of my lips. “Mostly fighting with my parents.”

Justin frowns at my answer and he increases the pressure on my hand, letting me know its ok to continue.

“I suppose it’s to be expected…it’s the first time I’ve seen them in over two years.” A look of shock crosses Justin’s face. “I don’t make it a habit to come back here anymore…”

“Why?” He asks softly.

“It’s a long story…”

“I think I can keep up…”

A moment of nervousness floods my stomach and for the first time since I was eighteen years old, I’m about to let someone see the real me. I am opening my heart to the possibility of serious hurt and I’m jumping two feet first, in the hopes that Justin’s everything I remembered and hoped he’d be.

“I guess it all started back when I was eighteen…” I let out in a shaky breath. “My family isn’t what they portray to be…we’re far from this tight-knit loving group.”

Justin nods his head and he pulls my hand closer to rest on his leg. “I suppose they love me in some weird way and I can’t say that I don’t have feelings that resemble love either…but it’s not the kind of love that you need from your parents. It’s not the unconditional; I’ll love you no matter what happens in life type. No it’s the, I love you because that’s what’s expected…” I start to ramble and I realize I’m probably confusing him even more.

“I’m adopted Justin…” I burst out, through the cloud of confusion surrounding us.

If he’s shocked by my confession, he doesn’t show it. He rubs his thumb soothingly across the top of my hand when he looks at me.

“Are you ok with that?” He asks softly.

“I’ve had time to come to terms with it…I can say it because that’s what I am. But I’m not “ok” with it. I’ve never felt so alone in the entire world…”

Justin reacts almost immediately and slides closer towards me. He lets his arm wrap around my body and he pulls me closer to his side. “You’re not alone though Addison…”

I look at him and feel the sincerity in his words. “But I am Justin. You’re so lucky and you don’t even know it. Your mom looks at you like you’re the pride and joy in her life. I get looked at as an inconvenience now because I don’t conform to this perfect little family life they want to portray.”

I shake my head a little and try to rid this sense of shame that’s slowly creeping up through my chest. “That’s only the beginning, Justin…I don’t even know where I come from. I don’t know what my real mom looks like, if I have her eyes or my dad’s? I don’t know where my independence and vulnerability comes from? Whether I have brothers and sisters? I don’t know anything about “who” I am.”

The tears start to brim my eyes and I turn away from his burning blue eyes. “Have your parents told you anything about your adoption?”

The pools of water are threatening to fall and one small blink causes them to cascade down my cheeks. “The only thing I remember was my parents telling me that my biological mom and dad didn’t want me, that’s why I was put up for adoption, so why should I go looking for someone who clearly doesn’t want me.”

I feel Justin’s arm tense behind me and his breathing hitches in his throat. “Oh, Addison…”

“Don’t feel sorry for me Justin…” I say with a strong sense of conviction behind my words. “Why do you think I don’t tell anyone about this? Or let anyone close to me, to begin with? I can’t take the pitiful stares…”

“I’m not going to pity you Addison…” Justin says before turning to face me straight on. “Do I think what your parents did was wrong? Yes, definitely. But I don’t pity you…I admire you…your strength to get through all of this on your own…”

“Hardly…” I say with sarcasm practically dripping from my lips.

“Don’t diminish the fact that you ARE strong enough, Addi. Not many people are strong enough to stand their ground and listen to what you had to at eighteen and still come out of it a beautiful person.”

My eyes snap up at him as he speaks.

“Yes beautiful…both inside and out…yeah, you’re a bit of a tough girl but I know it’s just a mask that you use to protect yourself. But you don’t always have to be the strong one…”

My lips force a crooked smile at his words and he reaches to tuck a loose strand of hair behind my ear. “I didn’t mean to be such an ass when I got on the tour Justin…”

“It doesn’t matter, Addison…”

“I guess I’ve spent so much time pushing people away…it’s really the only thing I know how to do anymore.”

“I’m not going to let you push me away, Addi…”

“I don’t think I could even if I tried, Justin…”

He smiles at me and squeezes my shoulders before turning to face the lake. The water is shimmering just slightly as the sun dips below the horizon, cascading the smallest amount of light across the water. A breeze flutters through the trees and whips through my long hair.

“Have you tried to find your biological parents?” He asks softly.

“Yes and no…Up until about a year ago, I thought I didn’t want to know. I believed wholeheartedly that finding them would only make the pain worse. But I can’t seem to let it go. It’s like this burning desire to know them…to understand…to ask them why they didn’t want me…won’t go away. But I don’t know where to start and my parents want absolutely no part in helping me either…”

“I’ll help you…” He states matter-of-factly.

I tap my hand on his leg. “Thank Justin, but you don’t have to...”

“No, I want to help but only if it’s something you’re sure you want to do.”

I scrutinize his face looking for any sign on insincerity but his blue eyes shine brightly. His lips turn into a smile and he emits honesty with his words and his eyes. It’s hard to look away because I know I’ve just slipped into some dangerous territory trusting Justin wholeheartedly.

“Who would’ve thought Justin Timberlake from Memphis would be the one to get me to break down my walls…”

He smiles brightly. “Addison you don’t have to hide behind these walls of protection all the time, you know?”

“I know Justin…”

He intertwines our fingers and starts to stand up from the table. He lifts me up and wraps his arms around my waist. Burying his head into my shoulder, I let my arms travel up behind his neck and envelope him in a hug. He sways us gently from side to side before pulling away and smiling brightly.

“Thanks Addison for trusting me…I promise I’m not going to hurt you…”

“I know Justin…for the first time in a long time…I know…”

We walk hand in hand back towards the car, just enjoying the sun set and the vibrant sparkling stars. He opens the car door for me before getting in himself and the ride back to my house is silent. It’s not uncomfortable or unnerving in any way but it’s soothing. I’ve finally let someone else be the strong one for me and as scary as that is…it’s the best feeling I’ve felt in a long time…