Summary: Sadie Kennedy has just graduated from a four-year university and she finds herself back to where she never wanted to be again - home. She's always been insecure mainly due to her chubbyness and her unattractiveness compared to her four older, thin, beautiful sisters - but when she encounters the town failure, Justin, her confidence is slowly and steadily shattered by his cruel ways. This is a story of a woman who finds her inner beauty and the confidence to finally, truly be able to love herself.
Categories: In Progress Het Stories Characters: Justin Timberlake
Awards: None
Genres: Alternate Universe, Drama, Romance
Challenges: None
Series: None
Chapters: 24 Completed: No
Word count: 109619 Read: 83151
Published: Apr 14, 2007 Updated: Jun 11, 2010
Story Notes:
Reposting this story so any readers that were with me before, please come back and join the saga of Sadie and Justin! Thanks!
1. "Anything But Ordinary" by CutiePie07
2. "Drops of Jupiter" by CutiePie07
3. "Somebody Already Broke My Heart" by CutiePie07
4. "Fade Into You" by CutiePie07
5. "Best I Ever Had" by CutiePie07
6. "Right To Be Wrong" by CutiePie07
7. "Crush" by CutiePie07
8. "Love Song For No One" by CutiePie07
9. "My Heart Is An Apple" by CutiePie07
10. "Angel" by CutiePie07
11. "I'm Beginning To See The Light" by CutiePie07
12. "Where Does The Good Go?" by CutiePie07
13. "Sunday Morning" by CutiePie07
14. "Tell Him" by CutiePie07
15. "Mr. Wrong" by CutiePie07
16. "We Can Be New" by CutiePie07
17. "Talk to Her" by CutiePie07
18. "Whisper" by CutiePie07
19. "Swallowed in the Sea" by CutiePie07
20. "One Fine Wire" by CutiePie07
21. "My Friend" by CutiePie07
22. "Battle" by CutiePie07
23. "You Could Be Happy" by CutiePie07
24. "Wake Up Alone" by CutiePie07
"Anything But Ordinary" by CutiePie07
Copyright 2007
Written by: Jelisha J.
Prologue
To walk within the lines would make my life so boring
I want to know that I have been to the extreme
So knock me off my feet
Come on now, give it to me
Anything to make me feel alive
- “Anything But Ordinary” by Avril Lavigne
I’ve never been truly comfortable with the communication thing - I keep to myself at all times - even when I’m with my folks back in Memphis, I stay to myself. It isn’t like I’ve been through something really irrational that has secluded me to being this way. I rather be by myself than to be with others.
My mother, Mabel, has always claimed that my father must’ve dropped me on my head a few times when I was an infant because I’m the youngest of five children but I am also the most unsociable out of the Kennedy clan.
Growing up in a town like Memphis, you have to prepare yourself to always have your business on display for others because there is nothing to do here but gossip - that’s why when I turned eighteen; I caught the first flight out of Tennessee.
My parents hit the roof when I told them my wishes of attending the University of Texas in Austin - damn the fact that I had total free ride because of my GPA - they were more focused on the part that I wasn’t attending Tennessee State, like my siblings before me. I chose to differ myself from my clan, to separate myself from them and this weird city, and for doing that…I became an outsider to them.
I wasn’t surprised my parents turned me away from them - from the start, I had always been the outsider of our family. My eldest sibling, Jade, had the beauty to exceed her into bit acting roles in Hollywood - and of course, my mother was beyond thrilled that her oldest child was associated with the likes of Ryan Gosling and Hilary Duff.
My other three sisters (in chronological order: Maria, Patrice, and Zora) owned a local business in Memphis that had something to do with playing matchmakers - let me not get started on this because I find it completely ridiculous that someone pays thousands of dollars to have someone else find their “perfect match”. If you’ve seen the movie “Hitch” then in milder terms - that’s what my sisters do for a living.
I, on the other hand, wanted to become an English teacher for young children. I’ve always been the quiet type, yes, but secretly I desired to have a major impact on my society and no one, to me personally, has a greater effect on our environment than that of an average American schoolteacher. Scott and Mabel had scoffed at this profession; my father had raised us to be the best that we can possibly be - he never settles for less than the best and he sees the profession of teaching as low as a person can get.
Whatever. That is why I got away from them when I had the chance. And I’ve chosen not to keep in contact with any of my family members except for my sister, Zora. Zora and I are a year and a half apart and so therefore, growing up in our close knitted family - I turned to her for comfort.
Like I said before, I don’t do the communications thing but with Zora, it seemed easy to confide in her because she wasn’t judgmental or manipulative like our parents (majority of the time it was my mother) - she was more of a friend than my older sister. In honesty, she happened to be the one to convince me to take that scholarship in Texas.
Besides Jade, being the prodigal child of our family, Zora always seemed to come a close second. She had a strikingly resemblance to Jade - with her dark strawberry blonde hair and deep, brown eyes - she could’ve had any job that she wanted but her sophomore year in high school she became pregnant and everything she had once dreamed of was put on hold for her son, Kyle.
Of course, my parents were disappointed with her pregnancy but they overlooked it - focusing on my shortcomings more than anything. Anyway, I’ve kept close to my sister for the past four years and held her as constant mentor and friend. I’m proud of her and what my other siblings have done with their lives because they are successful and somewhat happy but me?
I don’t think I’ve ever truly been happy. I thought by running away from my problems would be a great release but it only made things more complicated because I don’t like socializing with others and I tend to have anxiety attacks when I’m in front of a huge crowd so you could guess that I didn’t have guys lined up outside of my dorm.
I’ve never dated, never been kissed, or probably never been thought of by the opposite sex. Sad, isn’t it? I’m twenty-two and I have never even had a boyfriend! I don’t think about things like this though because it isn’t worth whining or complaining over because I’m the type of person who is meant to be alone - I’ve always been alone and I will remain alone.
But sometimes, it would be nice to know that someone, anyone, could or was interested in me. I guess it’s my punishment for dodging my parents and my hometown. Memphis is truly not that bad but I’ve been there my whole my life - I’ve never seen anything more than the country side until I came to Austin.
And to be honest, I don’t like Austin that much, either. I guess I’m just picky. But I’ve never lived up to this lifestyle. I haven’t gone out to a party or gotten into any act of drinking, smoking, and I don’t think I’ve ever cursed, to be honest. I’m what they call the “good, innocent” type. I don’t do anything because if I want to be a teacher, I have to be clean and pure. Or that’s what I assume a teacher should be.
I never in a million years would have returned to Memphis after earning my degree if it wasn’t for my sister, Zora. From the success of their business (which was called “Find a Catch”), Zora had earned more than enough money to support herself and my six-year old nephew. She had bought a small house for the two of them and had encouraged me to come back to Memphis to begin my career.
I had nowhere to go, really. I didn’t know what the next step was for me after completing my four years in Austin - I didn’t know where to begin my life. Zora claimed that I could stay with her until I got back on my feet and that I didn’t have to associate with our parents if I chose not to.
My only friend was Zora - so I find it extremely ironic that I am now purchasing a middle-class ticket from Austin to Memphis. I never thought I would have to face my boring, pathetic past - but here I go.
Lord, give me strength - I know I’m going to need it.
* * *
"Drops of Jupiter" by CutiePie07
Chapter One
Now that she’s back in the atmosphere
With drops of Jupiter in her hair
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that there’s a time to change
Since the return of her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and talks like June
- “Drops of Jupiter” by Train
“And this,” Zora speaks as we enter a room in the far back of her house, “is now your room.” She flickers on the light and I’m amazed to see the recreation of my childhood room - growing up, I had a fascination with the poet and author, Maya Angelou. She was my hero. I had always wanted to hide away somewhere with just the collections of her work but my mother wouldn’t allow me to read her work, claiming that I wasn’t supposed to be praising someone outside of my own race.
Oh, did I mention my parents are somewhat on the racist end? They will deny this till they are blue in the face - but the fact is my mother doesn’t like to see anyone beyond her race get ahead in life, in any way, and my father…he just goes along with her. Of course none of my sisters or do I share this sort of feeling that my parents do.
Anyway, since I wasn’t allowed to read her work, Zora would go to the local bookstore and buy me paperback copies of her work and hide it in her room since my parents never dared searched her belongings. And when they were away, I would read Maya till I had memorized every historic line that she had ever written - I secretly desired to write like her one day.
But now I look in the room to see a bookshelf full of her work and of others I admire - I instantly smile. It warms my heart that Zora would remember such things. I walk into the room and glance over the various books before me, I am in love, really, I am.
I glance behind me to see her brown eyes sparkling, “You like?” She asks, stepping into the room and fixing a picture of myself and my sisters when we were all under the age of ten.
I clasp my hands together and nod my head. “I love it.” I pull a book from the shelf and sigh when I see that it is The Invisible Man. “How did you pay for all of this?”
Zora rolls her eyes dramatically, sitting down on the full-size bed that I guess is mine now. “I’m freaking loaded, little sis.” She grins and pats the empty spot beside her; I hold the book in my hands as I join her on the bed. “Paying for this is like nothing to me, besides I knew it would make you happy - make you feel at home.”
Truth be told, this is the most I’ve felt comfortable staying somewhere since I don’t know when. I rest my head on her shoulder and she wraps her arm around me, “Thanks, Zora.”
She snorts. “Yeah, you’re welcome and yada-yada-yada.” She looks to her watch on her left wrist and sighs. “It’s the last day of school today….damn, I hate summer vacations!” She looks to me, “What you plan to do this whole summer without working?”
I shrug my shoulders. I hadn’t thought that far ahead. Most likely, if I didn’t get a summer job, I was going to just be sitting around the house keeping to myself. Yeah, that’s what I always do. “I don’t know.”
She drops her arm from my shoulder and stands up from the bed. “I’d suggest that you help out at the office at my job but I’m not sure if you want to be around Maria and Patrice.”
I look to her. “Do they know I’m back in town?”
Zora nods her head slowly. “I told Maria and of course she told Patrice - they want to see you, but I told them that it had to be your decision for that to happen.” I open my mouth to speak and she reads my mind. “No, I haven’t heard from Jade. That bitch just keeps in touch with our folks - I haven’t heard from her since she left which was like ten years ago.”
I remember the day that Jade had left town. I had to be about twelve and she was nineteen. She had big dreams - she wanted to be bigger than Julia Roberts (yeah, right) so when she left, she promised to keep in touch with us all. I had admired her because she was the first of us to get away from our family and I had somehow wished that one day she would come for me and my sisters and whisk us away from our horrible parents. Didn’t happen.
I’ve seen her in commercials and she’s played small parts in movies but what has made her a household name is the role of Savannah Davenport on the soap opera Every Road Leads to You. I was flipping through the channels one day in my dorm when I saw her face and instantly I became drawn to the television - my sister has that sort of appeal about her - once you’ve seen her, you instantly become drawn in to her beauty.
Since then, if I have the chance, I watch the show because I know that this is the only way I’ll ever be linked to my eldest sister ever again. Zora is bitter towards her because just like me, she admired our sister - but I think it was more crucial for her because everyone pegged her to follow in Jade’s footsteps.
Zora and Jade are almost identical to one another. Zora would tell me stories of her walking in the grocery store and people would stop to ask for her autograph, thinking that she was our famous sister.
“Oh.” I say now. I don’t know what else to say.
I’m guessing she notices this because she grins at me once again and then heads to the door. “I’m heading out to pick up Kyle from school but feel free to make yourself at home - this is your place, too, now.” She leaves my sight and I am left to my thoughts.
I’m frightened knowing that I will have to face my parents - maybe not today, maybe not even tomorrow, but it is inevitable. I don’t know what I would say to them or how they will perceive me. I know that my mother will look at my physical appearance and shake her head in disappointment.
Out of all my sisters, I am the biggest and what they call the most unattractive. Jade and Zora have the obvious beauty which they get from our mother while Maria and Patrice are exotic looking like our father - they have the brown hair, hazel eyes and deeply tanned skin. I am the oddest one of the bunch - I look like no one and I am incredibly out of shape, and I’ve been this way all of my life. As a child, my mother would sometimes not feed me on purpose and force me to jog three miles on the treadmill in hopes that I would lose the extra fat on my body, but to no avail.
My natural hair color is a sandy red but I’ve dyed it to a light brown since I’ve moved away - my eyes are just plain brown and don’t get me started on my body. I wear a size twelve and sometimes I can barely fit into that. My mother calls my body ‘fabulously out of control’ while my sisters claim that they envy my curves and wide hips. I seriously doubt this.
I wanted my mother to like me so I resorted to her crazy crash diets and her ridiculous routine of exercise but when I left home I finally realized that I wasn’t meant to be the size of my sisters and I wasn’t going to be the pretty girl but I was me and that was all I could be. I’ve learned to accept my body and love it - I don’t diet and I don’t exercise unless you count walking up the stairs on an occasion to get somewhere an exercise. I’m chubby and I know it but I don’t care.
My father never cared for how I looked, he’s not really the judgmental kind (except for when he learned what I wanted to do as my profession) - but he has to stand by my mother at all times so he just agrees with everything she says or does. When he found out that my mother wouldn’t let me eat anything when I was about thirteen, he would sneak me a sandwich and some chips when Mabel went to sleep, and for that, I don’t hold anything against him. It is my mother who I try to stay away from because she has done nothing but brought sadness to my heart and soul.
I like being alone and the reason I do has mostly to do with her…she suffocated me as a child because she wanted me to be more like my sisters. She invaded my privacy and didn’t allow me to do anything but go to school and come home, well that is until my junior year when she had forced me to join my school’s varsity cheerleading squad (which I absolutely hated).
And now, I can only picture her look of disgrace. I don’t care to think about it any longer because it’ll only bring my self-confidence down.
* * *
Zora had called and said that she was taking Kyle to the office with her and that they would be home later on that night - she told me to get anything I wanted out of the fridge and take her other car keys and drive wherever I pleased.
The only problem to this is that I had nowhere I wished to go. I know every place in this town but I have no desire to go anywhere around here. It is the death of me here. It is so boring.
I’m not hungry so I decide to get underneath my bed covers and curl up and read a book that focuses on famous quotes said by famous people. It is then that I feel my cell phone vibrate in my back pocket - I place the book beside me and retrieve my phone out of my pocket.
I notice the number immediately and reject it. I place the phone down on my bed and intend to grab the book again but my phone starts vibrating, again. I sigh loudly and countdown to five before finally answering the phone. “Hello?”
“Why did you reject my call?” I hear Michael Vega speak. It isn’t what you already might assume - Michael and I were colleagues in Austin. We shared some of the same interests and he was a good person to hold a conversation with. We had talked briefly on the phone with one another but mostly we conversant online.
It was one day that he began expressing his desires to take our friendly conversations to the next level while we were online - at the time I actually thought he meant he wanted us to try to become friends but in reality, he wanted to engage in sexual intercourse. Immediately, I cut all ties from him and he would call continuously to say that he had been joking but if he really knew me at all, he would know that I don’t take “jokes” like that lightly.
“That’s how you answer someone when they say hello?” I ask, brushing loose strands of my hair from my face, “And to answer your question, I wish you would get the message that I don’t want to talk to you, anymore.”
He groans over the phone. “I apologize for what happened, Sadie. I went too far.”
“And I forgave you, Michael. I just choose not to associate with you anymore. So please leave me alone.” I flip my phone close then and place it on my side dresser beside my bed.
He is the first of the opposite sex to even pay a little bit of attention to me. When he had first asked me for my number, I was internally excited with the thought that someone might actually like me, so you can imagine how embarrassed I was to find out that he just wanted to be homework buddies.
I’m so clueless when it comes to the opposite sex - maybe I need to be a client for my sisters’ business? I shake my head. I will never resort to anything like that.
That is just ludicrous.
* * *
Kyle Kennedy is the epitome of my father - he has the dark brown hair and gray eyes with the deeply tanned skin - he doesn’t look like my sister, at all. When he sees me sitting in the dining room, eating a bagel, he rushes to my side and wraps his arms around me.
My heart warms. I love children. When Zora gave birth to Kyle, I had decided right then and there that I wanted to be a teacher. I wanted to make an impact on someone else’s life. I return the embrace, “Hey kiddo! Long time, no see.”
He nods his head against my chest and pulls back from our embrace; a widened smile reveals a dimple in his left cheek. How cute. “I know! Mommy said that you’re going to be living with us now! Is that true?”
I nod my head and he squeals, happily. He pulls me to my feet and I leave my bagel on the plate on the table as he drags me into his room and I see nothing but toys, toys and more toys. Zora really spoils him. “I want to show you something!”
I watch in silence as he mumbles through a desk drawer and when he finally finds what he is looking for, a tiny picture, he hands it to me. When I realize what it is, tears cloud my vision. It is me the day of Kyle’s birth.
I had been so scared for Zora because she was just a baby and she was going to be alone because Kyle’s father had ditched her a few months before she had went into labor. But she had proven me wrong when she gave birth to her son, she instantly took control of the mother role and even though she was still a child herself, I was amazed at her courage.
The picture is me holding my newborn nephew in my arms and Zora is in the background, grinning from ear to ear. When I felt him in my arms, a new sense of faith was restored in me that day - I knew I had to go out and achieve something for myself because that way, I could come back and help Zora - but who would’ve thought that she would’ve never needed my help? She had made an empire for herself.
Kyle’s voice interrupts my scattered thoughts. “I want you to have it.”
My eyes gleam with pride. “You do?”
He nods his little head and bounces on the balls of his tiny feet. “Mommy says I ain’t supposed to be greedy.”
Zora’s voice follows to the room, “What did I tell you about the word ’ain’t’, Kyle?”
Kyle’s eyes find mine and he whispers, “I think I made a boo boo. I’m sorry, Auntie Sadie.”
I run my fingers through his spiky brown hair and lean over, “It’s okay, hon. Whenever she’s not around, you can say ’ain’t’ as much as you like, all right?”
He nods his head. “I HEARD THAT, SADIE!” Zora yells then and I chuckle softly. She is like a vampire - she can hear everything.
Kyle rolls his eyes dramatically and looks to me apologetically. “Mommy is real tough on good grummer.” He is still whispering.
I smile. “Grammar.”
He snaps his little fingers. “That’s what I said.”
He is so adorable. I’m going to love living with him. “Yeah, I know kiddo.”
* * *
"Somebody Already Broke My Heart" by CutiePie07
Chapter Two
You came along when I needed a savior
Someone to pull me through, somehow
I’ve been torn apart so many times,
I’ve been hurt so many times before,
So I’m counting on you now
- “Somebody Already Broke My Heart” by Sade
I had become intensely bored with staying at home after the first week so I decided to finally see my other two sisters. During the day, Zora would leave Kyle at a daycare and she would head straight to the office, and today, I joined her.
My nerves were getting the best of me as I entered the little building that my sisters all owned. I didn’t know what to expect from Maria and Patrice but they surprised me tremendously when they embraced me, hard.
“Look at you, Sadie!” Maria is staring at me in awe and she is smiling. I take this as a good sign. She brings her hands to my hair and shakes her head. “I’ve always loved those red locks of yours - they annoyed mother so damn much - but this look does you justice.” She envelopes me into another hug and I relax in her embrace, this time.
I’ve always loved the scent of Maria. When we were younger, I would sneak into her room and put on her various home-made fragrances, hoping that I would draw boys to me the way boys would flock to her. It never worked, but I still did it anyway.
Maria is four years my senior but she doesn’t look a day over eighteen. “Look at those hips. Damn girl, milk has done you real good!”
I can feel my cheeks burning with blush and I bury my face into my hands - I told you I’m very shy, and I guess you can say I’m insecure, too. “Don’t hide your pretty face, Sadie. Look at me.” Patrice is speaking now and I drop my hands from my face and look into her grayish hazel eyes and see that she is grinning.
“Its good to have you back, baby sis.” She pinches my nose - something she has done since we were little, “I missed you.”
I perk up a little. “Really?” I’m surprised at this because out of all my sisters - Patrice is the one who paid the least amount of attention to me. I was a constant nuisance in her side growing up and she would purposely tattle on me to our mother to get me in trouble and more importantly, away from her.
She nods her head, her dark brown hair falling over her shoulders. “Of course I did, Dee Dee.” I haven’t that nickname in a long time and it brings a sense of warmth to my body to know that she did in fact miss me.
Zora walks around the three of us and rolls her eyes. “You would think that you guys have seen Angelina Jolie walk in the room or something,” she laughs softly, and glances back at me, winking. “I told you not to worry, baby sis.”
Yeah, she did.
* * *
I take back my earlier statement about this business being ludicrous - I’ve come to realize, after watching my sisters work, that sometimes people aren’t that lucky in life when it comes to love or dating. You shouldn’t judge someone on how they go about finding someone.
Besides, it’s a paycheck for my siblings so I guess that is what matters at the end of the day. I’ve seen various clients enter the building including Ms. Waters, who happened to be the town legend because she lives with more than twenty cats and dogs and has never been able to maintain a man in her life because of this.
I felt sorry for her because she truly did not see anything wrong with having that many animals in her house. I didn’t know anything about dating or men but I even knew that that kind of behavior scares people away. Patrice had said that they had set Ms. Waters on various dates with each one falling through because many of the men complained that she smelt of cat litter….which she did.
But, I give her credit, though. She continuously comes back or that’s what Patrice fills me in on - Ms. Waters truly believe her match is out there and that my sisters have just not found him yet. I hope one day, for her sake, that they do.
Now, I listen as Maria moans in annoyance and stands up from her chair where her desk is occupied when she looks out the window and sees a short, white woman with blonde curly hair heading to the building. “Hell no!”
Zora glances up quickly from her computer, I am sitting next to her and I am also intrigued as to what is going on, even though I remain quiet. “What?”
“Here comes hell. Twelve o’clock.” My sisters glance to the door and all of them roll their eyes, simultaneously, as I watch Maria exit to another room, down the hall.
Patrice mumbles under her breath but places a fake smile upon her face as the woman in question steps inside. “Hey, Lynn.”
Zora chimes in now. “How’re you doing?” She also has a fake smile upon her features now, too.
I shake my head slowly. What do they have against this woman?
Lynn pulls the black shades from her face to reveal her blue eyes and she sits in one of the chairs in front of my sister, Patrice. “I’m as good as I’ll ever be. Ladies, I know you’re going to hate me, but I need your help, again.”
Zora shakes her instantly and speaks before Patrice has the chance to. “I’m afraid we can’t, Lynn. Your son is now starting to give us, as a business, a bad name. We have set him up with sixteen women, Lynn, sixteen - and each time the girl comes back to us, upset and furious because we’ve set them up with someone who treats them like common trash.” She places her hands upon her desk and shakes her head, again. “I can’t allow that to happen again. Your son doesn’t need a decent woman - he needs professional help.”
The older woman seems embarrassed by Zora’s comments on her son and I become really interested in this now because Zora seems to be very heated at the moment. “I know he has a little drug problem and he-”
Zora snorts. “Little? If you call an abusive alcoholic and cocaine addict a ‘little’ problem then I’m really frightened to what you might think a real drug problem is.”
Patrice widens her eyes at our sister and mouths to her - ‘shut up’. She now turns to Lynn, who I can see has tears in her eyes. “Your son wants to have a good time with these women we have set him up with. And I’m afraid our business is that of trying to build long-lasting relationships - we are not bordello home and we do not permit using our ladies or men for prostitution.”
Lynn nods her head slowly and closes her eyes briefly. “I know that, Patrice. You know me. I don’t condone prostitution, especially not for my son, but he needs someone - he may not admit it, but he needs someone to talk to because he certainly won’t talk to me.”
“He has to want to talk to someone, Lynn.” Patrice says now, her eyes softening a bit. “He needs help and we’ll keep him in our prayers but I’m afraid we cannot provide you any service when it regards to Justin any longer.”
She nods her head sadly, and places back on her shades. She stands from her seat and begins to walk to the door, “Thank you anyway. I’m sorry for any grief he has caused any of you and your business. I am truly sorry.” And with that, she exits.
Almost immediately, Maria appears back in the main office with us. Zora scowls at her, “You scary bitch! You couldn’t even face her.”
Maria smirks. “If I had spoken to her, I would’ve been uncivil…extremely. So I chose the right path.”
Patrice rolls her eyes, “Whatever. You just froze up, you scary whore.”
I remain silent until now. I’m curious. “What’s wrong with her son?”
Zora returns to her computer while my other two sisters get back to work, completely ignoring me. I’m used to this so I decide to start reading my book on famous quotes until Zora starts talking to me.
“Justin is the town’s latest sad story, I guess you can say. He became really famous in the music business with his underground music and I guess one day the girl he was seeing two-timed his ass and turned bitter on the world. He lost his recording contract and was forced to move back in with his mother, Lynn.”
She stops typing for a bit and turns to me, her eyes level with mine.
“Its really sad cause Lynn is probably the most devoted, loving mother anyone could ever ask for and Justin’s her only child and to see him drinking, using drugs and becoming a piece of shit, literally kills her - I want to strangle that dumb boy for what he’s doing to her.”
I nod my head as I listen, piecing things together. “Did they live here while we were growing up?”
She nods her head. “Yeah, they did. We just never knew of them because you know our mother didn’t let us associate with the outside world.” She nods in Maria’s direction, “She dated him before he turned into a jackass.”
I think back because Maria has dated a lot of men. “I met him?”
Zora shrugs her shoulders. “I think so. They only dated for a few weeks because he left town to start pursuing his music career. That’s why Maria can’t stand to see his mother because she feels really guilty for how he’s turned out.”
“Why?”
Zora groans now and pinches me in my side. “You’re asking a lot of questions. This is the most I’ve ever seen your ass talk.” I decide to be quiet from then on but she continues, “Justin really liked her and he would write her while he was away but she never returned his letters or calls - she had met someone else. So now she thinks that she’s the girl that broke his heart but she isn’t….its some other girl.” She lets out a deep breath, “Now, let’s stop talking about this.”
I don’t mention anything else and leave the topic alone. My heart goes out to that lady and I send her my prayers.
* * *
I moved about the aisles, steadily looking for my favorite drink - Ginger Ale. Zora had given me a list of things to get from the local market and handed me a hundred dollar bill, too. She said to get whatever I wanted, also.
I’ve forgotten how much stuff that they have in this market and I’ve also forgotten how much you can run into anyone you know at this store. This is what I’m thinking as I stand behind a shelf filled with nothing but cookies and glance at the woman a few feet ahead of me - it’s my mother.
I could notice her short, thin frame anywhere. My heart had instantly gotten caught in my throat when I laid eyes on her. She didn’t seem to look any different except that her blonde hair now had a few streaks of gray. Surprising, even for her, my mother hates gray hairs because she identifies it as aging and she tries to convince herself that she isn’t capable of aging any. Yeah, whatever.
A part of me wants to call her name out and make her notice my presence but the part of me that is fearful and terrified slowly backs away. I don’t know how I will truly act when I see her but today is not the day that I find this out. I can’t deal with her today.
As I move backwards, my body comes in contact with someone and I feel them groan in pain, I think. “Oh, I’m sorry.” I say, politely, turning around to see this tall, muscular man before me - what strikes me mostly about him is that he is deathly pale and he has the most clear blue eyes I’ve ever seen.
His presence towers over mine and I notice a short young man beside him, laughing. “Watch where the fuck you’re going next time, fat ass.” He says this with hatred clearly evident in his voice and I notice the bags underneath his eyes.
My eyes widen and I am instantly frightened. I’m not used to confrontation, at all. I move around him quickly and hurriedly walk away from him and his friend and I can hear them laughing behind me. And I continue to push past various people, forgetting about the cart filled with food as tears reach my eyelids.
That man doesn’t even know me and he had the audacity to call me out of my name after I apologized to him. My heart was beating furiously. I wasn’t angry, more embarrassed than anything.
This is why I stay at home, to myself…so I can avoid getting hurt by anyone or anything.
* * *
Zora is getting on my nerves. She hasn’t left me alone since I’ve came home and retreated to my room. I didn’t even feel like playing with Kyle - I was too shaken to do anything.
She wanted to know why I didn’t get the groceries and why I was crying. Her hazel brown eyes turned suddenly dark as I could tell she was becoming furious not with the situation, but with me, also. She shuts my door so that Kyle wouldn’t be able to hear us, more accurately, her. “What the fuck happened?”
I sit up and pull my knees to my chest and sob softly. Zora doesn’t like to show weakness and she especially hates to see any of her sisters express it - it makes her livid to know what caused it. “I saw m-mother.”
Zora raises her hands in the air in confusion. “That’s all, Sadie? You need to get a thicker shell if you can’t handle her.”
I shake my head slowly. “No, I didn’t talk to her. I-It w-was this guy and h-he went off on me while his f-friend just stood th-ere laughing.” I shuddered then, remembering.
My sister furrowed her brows in deep thought. “What did he look like?”
“His head is shaved and he’s tall, I think. He’s got a lot of tattoos and really clear blue e-eyes.” As I say this, I watch as my sister pulls her cell phone from her side pocket and dials a number.
She is really upset.
She is yelling through the phone at whomever and I’m guessing she concluded who the man was because she was threatening to chop his “little, sorry excuse for a penis” off with her teeth. I scrunched up in pain when she said this because I knew she wasn’t joking. Zora can be a really big pain in the you-know-what if she wanted to be.
“Do you fucking understand me?” She listens for a second and continues on her rant, “I don’t give a flying FUCK if she bumped into your stupid ass. You listen to me, you worthless piece of shit, you apologize to her right now or I’ll see to it that I fuck you up real good, you hear me?” I can hear him mumble something in response to her. “I give a shit because she’s my baby sister, asshole.”
She hands me the phone now, her eyes are almost coming out of her sockets and she is extremely red in the face. I’ve never seen her this way. And now, I’m scared of her, too. “Take this shit.” She says and I quickly take the phone from her.
“H-Hello?” I’m greeted with loud banging in the background and I intend to hang up the phone until I hear his voice - this time he is way more civil.
“Say I’m sorry for going off on you earlier. I had no right to.” I then hear a click and I hand her back her phone. She stares at me, waiting.
“He said he’s sorry.” I say, quickly. Zora is freaking me out.
She nods her head, “He better have. Stupid bitch.” She sighs loudly and runs her hands over her face, tiredly. “I’ll make his life fucking hell if he even looks at you funny,” she turns to me now, “if he says anything else to you - tell me immediately, okay? No bullshit.”
I nod my head. I wasn’t going to mess with her. She’s crazy.
“Well, I guess you didn’t meet him before because you would’ve remembered him.” She has calmed down some and is now sitting beside me on my bed.
I piece two and two together. “That was Justin?” She snorts. Wow, something really was wrong with him - and I came to conclusion just by looking at him. “He looks like a ghost, really.”
Zora waves this off, like it really doesn‘t matter that the guy almost looks like a corpse. “Yeah, well, you’ll get used to seeing that ugly mug of his face since you’re back in town now.” She stands from my bed and leaves my room.
I shudder at the memory of his face and shake my head. I hope not.
* * *
"Fade Into You" by CutiePie07
Chapter Three
I want to hold the hand inside you,
I want to take the breath that’s true,
I look to you and I see nothing,
I look to you to see the truth
- “Fade into You” by Mazzy Star
The highlight of my day is when I have time to spend with Kyle - he is probably the one good thing about me being back in Memphis. On the weekends, our routine is that he spends Saturday with me and we head to the movies and get a bite to eat. I think Kyle enjoys it more than I do because Zora doesn’t like to tag along.
Now, we’re sitting at the local town restaurant named “Fries and Chips” - it’s known for its fresh fish and various side orders of food. As a child, I loved coming here when my mother didn’t know it - Zora and I would always get the catfish and chips, a weird combination I know but it was delicious.
Kyle has spent most of the time in the playground in the back while I’ve sat in one of the many booths and is entertaining myself with the book The Awakening by Kate Chopin. I’ve always liked this novel because it represents the feminist awakening for one young woman - who is a mother and wife, but finally comes to the notion that she can be more than what society has accepted a woman’s role to be.
It is truly beautiful but also frightening to see how she handles her newfound freedom - I’m thinking this and suddenly I hear an outburst of laughter behind me, I ignore it at first but you know that feeling you get when you know someone is looking at you? That’s how I’m feeling right about now - I know they’re laughing at me, I just know it.
I force myself to turn around and see that it is Justin, a younger woman on his shoulder and his compliance from the store. And they’re staring and pointing at me. Suddenly, I feel a rise of heat rush to my cheeks. I turn back around quickly and bury my face into my book - this would be a great time to have Zora by my side but I know that I can’t always have her run to my defense - I’m twenty-two, for Gods sakes!
Justin moves to my table but this time the girl and his friend have disappeared - instantly the odor of must and cigars fill my nostrils and I want to vomit. God, does he take showers? I glance up from my book briefly to be met with his blue eyes and his scary pale skin. “May I h-help you?” I stutter slightly, my heartbeat is increasing by the second.
He coughs in my face and I scrunch my face in disgust. He didn’t even have the decency to cover his germ-filled mouth. Prick. “So you’re the youngest of the Kennedy clan, huh?”
I move back further into the booth trying to bring some extra distance between us because his odor his suffocating me. “Yeah, I think y-you already k-know that by n-now.”
He scoffs at me. “I would’ve never pegged you as one of their sisters - you’re too fat, too ugly and too fucking shy to be apart of that family.” He shakes his head slowly, “But I guess anything is possible.”
I sigh softly and close my book. I’m literally shaking now because I don’t know how to handle myself in situations like this - before I had ran away from him, but now I am trapped in this booth with him hovering over me like some vulture and I am scared to death.
His tall lanky frame stands straight when his friend calls out to him from across the diner, “Man, Justin, hurry your ass back over here because this bitch is pissing me the fuck off.”
He turns his head slightly, and waves his friend off. “Trace, shut the fuck up! I’m handling unfinished business - and Sara Jean, leave him the hell alone before I fuck you up good tonight.”
Justin turns back to me and takes a strand of my hair in his fingertips and sniffs my scent. Disgusting. I pull back from him and watch as Kyle moves back to our booth - he is instantly on guard when he notices how frightened I look.
“Leave my Auntie Sadie alone.” Kyle speaks with strong confidence as he pushes Justin slightly and moves beside me, wrapping his arms around my waist, and glaring up at Justin.
I expect Justin to say something rude but instead he grins and I wish he wouldn’t because the sight is too ugly to witness. “Sadie?” He glances at me and then turns his attention back to Kyle. “I was just saying hey to her, buddy - me and your Aunt are becoming real good friends.”
I turn my eyes away from this conversation and I snort. Yeah, right.
“See you really soon, Sadie.” He whistles as he walks away from our booth and look to Kyle who is staring after Justin, frowning.
“What’s wrong kiddo?” I ask, rubbing his back gently.
“He a mean man, Auntie Sadie.” Kyle looks to me, his gray eyes softening quite a bit. “I will protect you.”
I grin and my heart warms and I slowly relax some. “I wouldn’t know what to do without you, kiddo. I’d be lost, that’s for sure.”
* * *
I made Kyle promise that he wouldn’t tell his mother of our encounter because I didn’t want to add any extra drama which I knew my sister would only bring. I figured that the reason Justin had any notice my presence was because of what my sister made him do - he must’ve been really threatened by her because I didn’t figure he just apologized to people for no reason.
I had brought Kyle over his best friend’s house to spend the night and had headed back home to find Zora in her room getting ready for a wild night. She looked nice - her blonde hair was pulled back into a high bun and she wore some gold hoops to set off her tanned skin while she had put on a black skin tight strapless dress that stopped at her mid-thigh and accessorized this with some three-inch black open-toed heels. She was a hit, to say the least.
She saw me staring at her and she turned around and placed her hands on her thin hips. “How I look?” She twirled once, twice and then three times.
I smiled. “Very nice. Where you headed?”
Zora instantly smiles. “Got a hot date. I haven’t been out on a date since Kyle was two years old.” The smile slowly slipped from her features, making her look a few years older. “I can’t just be anyone around Kyle - I’m afraid he’d get too attached and then if we end things, I know my baby would be crushed. And I can’t handle that.”
“So what’s different now?”
She shrugs her shoulders. “He’s one of the many clients that come to us for help but unfortunately not many women give him a chance because he’s not really handsome, I guess you can say. But he has this amazing presence and personality.” She giggles softly. “I like talking to him. I haven’t liked just being able to talk to a guy in a long time.”
I’m happy for her. “Well, I wish you the best then.” I really do. She deserves to be happy and so does Kyle.
* * *
Being alone on a Saturday night seems like heaven to me, especially living in such a big house like this, I loved it. I had settle into the cushions of the couch in the living room and popped in my favorite, ultimate chick-flick Ever After, starring Drew Barrymore and some guy that was now on that show with them crazy housewives. I had settled on a big bowl of buttery popcorn and was going to spend the rest of my night watching movies and stuffing my face with junk food - okay, maybe I have a hand in me being so big but I don’t care, I should be able to eat whatever I want to.
I love this movie because I’ve always believed that fairy tales are possible. I’m a hopeless romantic, I guess. I don’t know anything about romance except what I’ve seen in the movies and if love is anything like that then I desired to have that one day - but I know that won’t ever happen to me. I’m not the kind to get the guy. I’m not the kind to get anything.
I accepted this fact a long time ago. It was never hard for me to see men flock around my sisters like they were the Gabor sisters or something. My sisters are a catch, I know this and so does every man in Memphis - me, on the other hand, I’m nothing compared to them. Guys look at me as the good sidekick. I can’t even get a guy to be my friend - that’s how unattractive I am.
Mabel had always been convinced that if I lost weight, I would be mildly cute. I knew this wasn’t going to happen just cause I lose weight doesn’t my facial structure is somehow going to magically change.
So, her next effort was to make me join the cheerleading squad. I admit that my junior and senior year, I was the most fit I will probably ever be. I hated it though. I think the only reason I made the team is because all my sisters before me had all been legendary captains - my junior year, I know I made it cause Zora was captain of the squad that year. I didn’t even have to try-out like the other girls had done.
You would think that I would have at least had a date for my senior prom - but I didn’t. My mother had offered to invite my cousin, Ronald, as my date but that would’ve been embarrassing all in itself…to have my cousin as my date! So, I went through high school dateless and very much alone - the only person I even remotely talked to was my sister, Zora, and I barely saw her during school because she was probably one of the most popular girls at Jackson High.
My only sister that has left a legendary impact on Jackson High School is my eldest sister, Jade. She had been captain of the varsity cheerleading squad all four years in high school (something someone has never been able to do but her) had been named Prom Queen and had been single-handedly the most popular girl in the school, all years that she attended. Boys fell upon her presence and girls tried to imitate her.
She was a beauty queen and starlet from the very beginning. Maria and Patrice envied her while Zora and I adored her. She is the only child out of our clan that my mother let do whatever she wanted, because she believed that Jade would bring fame and wealth to our Kennedy name. And she did just that but in the process she forgot everyone who loved her.
I’ve been thinking so much that I notice that the movie is almost over and I sigh - that just means I have to start it over. I giggle to myself. I love being by myself.
Nothing is better than this, absolutely nothing.
* * *
The shrill ringing of the house phone awakens me from my sleeping slumber and I push the covers off of my body and head to the kitchen to retrieve the phone. I’m guessing my sister had a good night out because she hasn’t returned home yet.
I pick up the phone and place it to my ear, yawning while doing so. “Hello?”
“Hey, Dee Dee.” It’s Zora and she is whispering. I wonder why. “Did I wake you?”
I hop myself onto the counter top and cross my legs. “Yeah, but it’s cool. Where are you and are you all right?”
She lowers her voice even more than before and I have to strain myself to hear her. “I’m at Steven’s house - the man I told you about - and I think I’m going to be spending the night, okay?” I hear someone in the background and then she mumbles that she will be right back.
I grin, sheepishly. “Okay, big sis. I guess you’re having more than just a good time.” I hear giggle and I laugh with her. “You don’t waste any time, do you?” I say playfully.
She scowls. “Shut up, bitch!” I hear some more talking in the background and Zora returns to the phone breathing loudly. “I’ll be home before Kyle gets back from his friend’s house. I love you and be safe, Dee Dee.” With that, I hear a click and a dial tone.
I lick my lips and place the phone back onto its charger. I’m happy that she has found someone and I hope he ends up being what she has been wishing for. Everyone deserves some happiness and love sometimes.
I jump down from the counter and turn off the kitchen light while doing so. I guess since I’m up I’ll head to the little market and buy me some more goodies to eat. I need to stop this eating junk food late at night but I can’t help it - when a sista gotta eat, I eat.
I grab my sister’s car keys and head outside to the silver Honda Civic awaiting me.
* * *
Great, its three in the morning and he, out of all people would be here, talking to the only cashier available - I look closely and notice that it is the same girl he had with him at the diner earlier. Just great. I pull my black hoodie over my face more and head down the aisle where many frozen desserts are.
I’m looking at some frozen lemon custard pie when I notice Lynn standing a few feet from me, staring. When I finally focus my attention on her, she smiles and moves to me. “You’re one of the sisters from ‘Find a Catch‘?”
I nod my head. “Yes, Ma’am. I’m Sadie.”
Lynn speaks now. Her blue eyes twinkling. “I’m sorry for staring; I just noticed how different you look compared to your sisters. I see no resemblance, at all.”
I’ve heard this before. I shrug my shoulders and turn my attention back to the lemon pie - I decide I’m going to need about three of these things to prepare for any insult she is about to throw my way. “You’re very pretty - not in the obvious way like your sisters - but you are, though. You are a pretty girl.”
I immediately glance up at this and a smile graces my features when she says this because I am taken aback by her statement. My brown eyes warm to her presence and I feel heat reach my cheeks as I continue to smile at this woman.
“Thank you.” I say honestly, and then I step back from the desserts, deciding that I don’t need any. I guess it’s a guilty pleasure - when I feel pressure or anxiety, I turn to food.
She returns my smile and walks past me. I’m surprised that this woman is Justin’s mother - she is too welcoming and nice to be the mother of such an evil…spawn. That’s what he is - an evil spawn.
One day someone is going to break his self-absorbed bubble and I can’t wait to be there when they do.
* * *
"Best I Ever Had" by CutiePie07
Chapter Four
So you stole my world now I’m just a phony
Remembering the girl leaves me down and lonely
Send it in a letter, make yourself feel better
But it’s not so bad
You’re only the best I ever had
- “Best I Ever Had” by Vertical Horizon
The scent of her remains with me as I wash away the aftermath of our love making. I love feeling the warmth of her. I love knowing that my manhood fits perfectly inside of her walls like no other man she’s ever had before me. The sound of her voice as she moans my name brings shivers to my spine as I remember it. God, she can sound like an angel.
I feel the shower curtain pull back and I smile to see her green eyes dancing as she joins me. Her delicate hands find my back and she kisses my shoulder gently, “Mmm,” she moans softly, turning me around to face her, “kiss me.”
I don’t hesitate. My wet hands find her cheeks and I pull her lips to mine. Immediately her tongue parts our lips and she explores me seeking a destination, I kiss her like this will be the last time I’ll ever see her and she kisses me like she’s ready to devour me whole.
I break our kiss for a breath of air and she pushes me against the tiles, wrapping her legs around my waist, I instantly feel my little friend becoming erect once again. I close my eyes and inhale the scent of her as her mouth finds my neck. “God, I love you.” I groan now, eager to rapture her.
She pulls back from my neck and places her hands onto my chest, I can hear her smiling and I open my eyes to see her staring at me in a daze. “I love you, too, baby.” She kisses my cheek briefly, “You know I‘ll always love you.“
The memory of this sends a shock of pain to my heart and I immediately snort more of the substance - trying to get a high so that I can’t remember her anymore. Once that numbing feeling starts to take whole of my body, I lie against the cushions of my couch and sigh. Damn, that’s exactly what I needed.
I wipe my nose and lick my crusted lips. I feel Sara Jean move beside me and I know where she is trying to get to - I move out and grab her arm, stopping her. “Don’t test me.”
She moves back instantly and I hear her pout. Oh fucking well. If she didn’t put any money down for this shit then she gets none - I don’t give a fuck if she’s giving me the pussy with nothing expected in return - that’s her dumbass making that decision, not me.
I can hear Trace snorting now and I open my eyes to see Sara Jean fingering the cloth on her shirt. I guess she expects me to give a shit that’s she upset. “What the fuck is wrong now?” This bitch is always complaining about something.
She scowls at me. “You won’t let me do anything with you.” She moves closer to me and I instantly push her back, I’m not in the mood for her nasty ass right now. “I just wanna feel how you feel, baby.”
Trace reads my mind, “Then put some down on it, girl.”
Sara Jean sighs. “I can’t waste my paycheck on this - I got to take care of my kids.”
I roll my eyes and wave her off. “Blah-blah-blah is all I’m hearing right now.” She stands from the couch and stretches her arms and when she does this, I see nothing but stretch marks gracing her flabby, white stomach. I scrunch my face in disgust. My limits on who I fuck have lowered, extremely. “How many kids you got again?”
A smile graces her features. “Six.”
Trace whistles and I’m really even more disgusted by the notion that she would rather spend her days with me, fucking, than be with her children. What a fucking slut. I no longer want her ass around me. “Don’t you think you need to take your ass home?” My buddy is saying this as I close my eyes yet again.
I hear her chuckle. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” She doesn’t even attempt to kiss me goodbye as I hear her leave my room. Thank God.
She was getting on my nerves.
“That’s the dumbest broad I’ve ever met.” I say out loud, my heartbeat increasing.
Trace is moving about the room and I open my eyes to see him cleaning the mess we made with our latest friend, cocaine. That’s the thing about him - he is a fucking clean freak. He’ll clean anything if he sees it is out of place. “Well, you keep fucking her, so she must not be that dumb.” He pauses for a moment, “Wait, I take that back - if she’s fucking with your ass, then she’s got to be an idiot.”
I choose to ignore his last comment, “She’s got some good pussy but I’m not gonna take money from her anymore cause she needs to use that for her kids - damn, I forgot she had that many.”
My friend stops and turns to stare at me briefly, “Maria called me today.”
I fight the urge to roll my eyes. Maria Kennedy has been a thorn in my side for I don’t know how long. She’s a fucking goddess, this is true - she’s built like a supermodel with a face like Princess Grace. I had the chance to fuck her ass when we was together but that was back then when I was a punk and believed in taking things slow - now, she just calls Trace because for some reason, they happen to like each other.
Friendly bastards.
“She was yelling my ear off about her sister, Sadie.” Yeah, I keep forgetting they’re related. “Bro, you didn’t tell me she was related to Maria or Zora.”
“So what?” I smile remembering how stupid Sadie looked when I called her out the other day. “They treat her like she’s fucking Queen of Sheba or something. That bitch isn‘t shit but a waste of oxygen to mankind.”
He chuckles but then turns serious, again. “Yeah, but still. Maria says that her sister’s got some major personal issues with herself.”
“Not my problem.” Why the fuck is he telling me this? He must have a thing for the fat girl. I shake my head and look to my friend - hell no, he would never stoop that low - even Trace has his limits.
Okay, I know I went too far with messing with the girl. I could tell she wasn’t so secure with herself - I mean why would she be? She looked absolutely hideous. Never in a million years would I have believed that she was related to that fine ass family of hers.
“I told her I was going to say sorry to the girl.” I look at him like he’s lost his fucking balls. “We know her sisters, J, plus they’ve tried to hook your ass up too many damn times for us to diss their sister like that.”
Maybe he was right. Well, that was his ass, not mine. I’d said my peace to the ugly girl and I didn’t care to give a rat’s ass anymore how she felt about anything. Bitch needed to become a woman, not a scared pussy ass little girl.
* * *
Maria and Patrice invited me to join them for the night at their little condo across the hill from Zora’s place. I had begged Zora to join me but she refused, citing that she needed to spend some quality time with her son.
So it was only the three of us and I felt mildly out of place, especially with where the conversation was going right now.
“That position is so uncomfortable for me!” This is Maria speaking and I have endured their talks of sexual positions for the past thirty minutes and I feel like I am going to vomit - I have never known some of those things were possible with the human body but of course Patrice has done everything in the book.
Patrice sips on her diet coke (if she drinks soda, she automatically drinks diet because she is afraid of her shape…why I do not know) and snorts. “It doesn’t feel right cause you’re not flexible - I told you that yoga does make the sex life better - a hell of a lot better.”
Maria ponders this for a minute before smiling. “Have you ever used the metal balls?”
I choke, loudly. I do not want to know what they’re used for. “Can we change the subject, please?”
Patrice looks over to me and stares at me blankly. “Are you still a virgin, Dee Dee?”
A rush of blood rises to my cheeks and I turn my face from their view, but not quick enough so that Patrice don’t see me. “Yeah, you are. Its cool, baby sis.” She moves to the floor where I’m sitting and pats my thigh and I glance up, she pinches my nose and I push her hand away, trying to fight my smile. “Its nothing to be ashamed of - you just should’ve told us.”
I bite my lower lip. “Its embarrassing.”
Maria shakes her head. “No, it isn’t. I lost my virginity at sixteen in the backseat of James Malloy’s car at a Christina Aguilera concert.” I giggle and she glares at me. “I felt so bad, Dee Dee, cause I’d given it up so easily - its good that you’re waiting.”
I want to laugh in their faces and say that I haven’t even thought about waiting but first there has to be a guy who’s interested in me and maybe, I can have my first kiss before I jump into the sex part. I’ll probably be a virgin all of my life - maybe I could be like Mother Theresa?
Patrice’s voice brings me back to reality, “I lost it in the garage at our folks place when I was fifteen.” Maria belches and Patrice makes a disgusted face. “Say excuse me, you nasty whore.”
My sister flips Patrice off and starts to speak to me. “Trust me, sex is overrated, it is so not cool.”
“Shut the fuck up, Maria. You sound like a jackass - we just spent all of this time talking about how good riding the ding-a-ling is and now you’re saying its overrated? Make up your fucking mind, slut!” Patrice throws her now empty can of soda at my older sister.
I remain quiet and watch the interaction between these two. Maria scoffs at Patrice’s statement. “I was just saying that shit to keep the conversation going and I-”
My other sister interjected, “You’re the one who brought it up!”
I guess Maria started feeling like she was being put on the spot because she stood up from her sitting position and began to walk to her room, “I don’t have to hear this bullshit - cause that’s what it is - complete and utter bullshit.” I know she’s just playing as she makes a scene now because while she is doing this, she has a huge smile on her face.
Patrice waves her off like it doesn’t faze her and turns her eyes to me. “Let me be honest with you, Dee Dee - sex is fucking awesome…when you’re sharing it with someone you care about and you know that they care about you.”
I glance to my thighs and notice how huge they look with these blue jean shorts on - I feel instantly insecure of myself. “I don’t think I’ll ever have that.”
“Bitch, please.” She wipes her mouth and stands from her position on the floor, stretching her arms while doing so. “Its just not your time yet.”
I don’t get my hopes up because I know that even though my sisters believe I’ll find my prince charming - I know I never will. Its just not made out in the cards for me - not for a girl like me, it isn’t. “I wish I could find someone and live happily ever after like in the movies.”
Patrice suddenly is laughing and staring at me incredulous. “Bitch, that shit isn’t real. That’s your problem right there, you think love is based on those damn movies - its not. It isn’t a fairy tale beginning or ending, Sadie - love is a rollercoaster and either you’re in for the ride or you’re not.” She shakes her head at me while she heads into the kitchen, getting another diet coke. “Get your head out of your ass, Dee Dee.”
Well, that was rude. She didn’t have to put it that way. “Um, okay.” That is all I can think of to say because I am at a loss for words - Patrice can be a real pain in my side and I know she means well but she has no communication skills whatsoever. I get the courage to speak now, “If you guys are so good at hooking people up then why aren’t you guys with anyone?”
I hear her whistle as I say this and she returns to my side with a diet coke and a ginger ale - for me. I take it and open it, taking a sip. “That’s a low blow, girl…even for your ass.” She giggles softly and then shrugs her shoulders as she thinks, “I know Zora doesn’t have time for men, well now, all of the sudden she does but before she didn’t. Maria just chooses not to date right now and me, well I’ve been in some shitty relationships in my time and now I know what I want and what I can’t accept from a man so I haven’t found what I’m looking for yet.”
Slowly I speak, “Isn’t that being selfish, though?”
“You think so?” I nod my head and she rolls her eyes. “Well, I don’t care. I’ve had to do a lot of learning from each man that I’ve been with - and I appreciate that because I’ve learned things about myself along the way but I’ve also learned that my ass is not about to put up with a lot of shit.” She sighs softly, “I’m twenty-five, Sadie - I want a husband not a man still playing games with my heart and with his own.”
This is the most open and the most that I’ve ever talked to my sister. She is opening up to me right now and she isn’t even drunk - amazing. I feel comfortable enough to ask her this. My heart is beating rapidly now. “You think I’m ugly, Patrice.”
“Girl, shut up.” Is her automatic response.
I push her slightly to show her I’m not joking. “Momma always thought I wasn’t pretty like you guys…and I’ve never had a boyfriend, ever. I think I never will, either.”
Since I open this up to her, I expect her to make some rash comment or go call my other sister and they make a few jokes about the situation but instead she becomes completely serious. “Sadie, you listen to me and you listen to me good - our mother is a dumbass, I love her but she’s stupid - you’re beautiful, Sadie.” She pinches my fat on the side of my stomach and I instantly push her hand away, she rolls her eyes now. “You’re just insecure of yourself and that’s what scares a man off - a man wants someone who is sure of themselves and you’re not, Dee Dee.”
My eyes water and my hands begin trembling. “How can I be?”
She rubs her fingers over my cheeks and grins. “It doesn’t happen overnight - you have to build your confidence. I’ll help you, okay?” I nod my head. “But from now on, don’t ever think for one second that you’re less than your family because honestly, Sadie - you have more heart and beauty than all of us combined - don’t forget that, babe.” She kisses my cheek and heads to her room and I instantly place my face into my hands, tears escaping my eyelids unwillingly.
I didn’t expect her to say something like that but I needed to hear it - I needed to know that one day my insecurity will fade and that I will be able to stand up for myself against others. She thinks I’m beautiful. Patrice, Ms. Beauty Queen, thinks I look better than her and my other sisters - when she told me this, I knew she was just being nice, she had to be.
I thought of that creature - Justin. He had hurt me tremendously with his words because he knew nothing of me but my physical appearance and he immediately saw me as a target for harassment. I deserved more from a man, if that’s what he called himself. I deserved respect. And I would get it. I had to get it. With my sisters help, I will no longer put up with the crude comments and the disrespect from others, mainly men. I was a woman. I was a Kennedy.
I was a beautiful woman, if not to others around me, I was to myself and my family - and I would demand respect, even from that creature himself and most importantly, he’ll give it to me.
* * *
"Right To Be Wrong" by CutiePie07
Author's Notes:
Okay, if you have any feedback, feel free to let me in on it. Feedback gives me inspiration to write more so please do so! Thank you guys! Love ya!
Chapter Five
I've got a right to be wrong
My mistakes will make me strong
I'm stepping out into the great unknown
I'm feeling wings though I've never flown
Got a mind of my own
I'm flesh and blood to the bone
I'm not made of stone
“Right to be Wrong” - Joss Stone
I spend my days at the local Barnes & Noble bookstore so much that the manager offered me a cashier position - I gladly took it. I needed all the money I could get until I started my first year as a teacher in the fall. What job is better than to be surrounded by books all day long? Just thinking about it brings a smile to my face.
Living with Zora and having not to pay any of rent or bills left me feeling uneasy. I wanted to offer some help in any way that I could (even though, I knew she didn’t need any). Zora insisted that I take the job to have extra money for me and me only - she said that the house and the bills she had under control - for the time being.
It was now late in the afternoon and I had clocked out about two hours before but I had stayed in the store, searching random books when my body instantly froze at the sight before me. My throat began to become dry and my palms were sweaty.
Oh, God.
Its my mother. I had avoided her that one night at the grocery store but now I could do nothing but stand there as she had noticed me from across the store and rushed to my presence, her blue eyes shooting dangers upon me. I’d promised myself to become a much stronger person than I am but being around her made me feel weak.
The shields that I was trying to let down suddenly were brought back up as she finally recognized me and scowled. “How long have you been in town?”
No, hello. No, how are you. Nothing.
I felt suddenly hot and out of place around her and my sweaty hands immediately began tugging on the hem of my red blouse, trying to pull it over my small bulge of a belly - I seem to always find myself doing this when I’m around her because she has made it apparent that no one wants to see my flabby stomach and tiny stretch marks.
Her hair is in curls and is flowing freely down her shoulders, her skin has very few wrinkles and I’m surprised at this since my mother is fifty-seven - I was what she called a ’late bloomer’ because my mother became pregnant with me after going through a point where she thought she was experiencing menopause when in fact - she had been with child.
She has on a professional dress suit - I’ve never seen her dress anything but classy when she exits her house because she knows she has an image to up hold in this dumb town. My mother grips her purse tighter as she squints her eyes at me, “Are you deaf?”
I find my voice now and I speak, “I’ve been back for about a month.”
Mabel cocks her head to the side and places a hand upon her thin hip. I try to focus on anything but her eyes - since I was child, I hated looking at my mother’s eyes because I was convinced they were cursed. I focus on her thin line of lip liner shaping her small, heart-shaped mouth.
“This is news.” She says now, her face never showing any sort of emotion so I have no clue as to what she is thinking. “You didn’t have the decency to contact me or your father to let us know you’ve come back home?” She shakes her head, disapprovingly. “Shame on you, Sadie Anne.”
My heart is beating furiously and I’m starting to sweat underneath of my armpits - my mother has this effect on me. I feel no longer like I’m a grown woman with a college degree but instead I am my mother’s child and I am once again sixteen and continually attacked by her.
I know I’m wrong for not letting my parents know that I returned back to Memphis but I didn’t want to see them, more importantly, I didn’t want to see my mother. I was having fun. I was actually socializing with people and I didn’t know if I would be able to continue if I had to be around Mabel - she made me feel less than a human being.
I felt beneath myself when I was in her presence and I knew she liked that.
I finally bring my eyes to hers and shudder at the sight, “I apologize.”
Mabel watches me for a moment before responding, “Well, its done so we can only move on from that, right?” I nod my head in response. God, I feel like I’m twelve years old. “Your hair looks nice, I like the color - but I see you haven’t been sticking to that diet since you left town.” Yeah, of course she would have to throw in there that I gained weight during my absence.
When I left for Austin, I was around the size of about a nine bordering on a ten - and my mother called this obese. Before leaving, she had given me a strict diet that she expected me to follow - she had the notion that if I followed this daily menu of foods and exercise, I would be a size two when I returned home four years later.
Well, that didn’t happen, obviously. It wasn’t as if I didn’t try to do the diet, I’m just the type of person that isn’t used to changing myself - I am the way I am. I know I’m always going to be about thirty pounds over my “supposed” to be weight and I’ve come to accept that. Not all people are meant to be small and I believe that I am one of them.
“I t-tried.” I stutter slightly, nervous.
My mother still has no expression on her features. I become uneasy. “Don’t stutter, Sadie - it’s a sign of weakness.” She moves closer to me and I instantly step back, I’m frightened as to what she will do. Her lips purse when I do this. “Stop being scared, child, I’m not going to do anything to you.”
I let out an exhausted breath and glance behind me. I want to know if anyone is witnessing my momentary breakdown - I see no one is watching and I turn my attention back to the woman before me. I wish I had one of my sisters here to save me from the evil witch - but I had already known this day would be inevitable, I would see my mother one day, any day, I just had to be prepared for it.
And I obviously was not.
“Momma, what do you want from me?” I ask now, curiously.
She crosses her arms in front of her small chest, “I want nothing from you, Sadie and you made it so clear that you want nothing for yourself, either. Look at you - your body looks fabulously out of control and you are doing nothing to stop it.” I need to get away from her, now. “I’m ashamed to claim you as mine.”
Tears cloud my vision and I can no longer try to be strong. She has done it again - she has broken me. “Because I’m fat?” I ask, incredulously, my eyes widen when she still says nothing. “You’ve never loved me then, Momma, never.”
Mabel does not falter at my fragile appearance, she even looks more upset by the fact that I have the nerve to cry in public. “Be quiet, Sadie.” She says now, not wanting to make a scene.
I step back once again and bring my fingertips to my eyes, wiping away my salty tears. “Its okay, Momma, I’m leaving now, all right?” She seems relieved, happy even and I feel an ache in my heart. “You don’t have to claim me as yours anymore because from this day on - I’m an orphan.”
She looks shocked that I’ve said this and I turn away from her daggering eyes and head out of the building with my heart still aching. I try to fight through the pain but I cannot, its impossible. I know what’s she done and it hurts me even more to realize it now as I head to the car.
My mother has broken my heart.
* * *
I’ve made the decision not to let my sisters in on my little encounter with our mother. I had to grasp the situation at hand first, before I went off babbling my mouth to anyone - in a way I had stood up to my mother, and also in a way, I felt as if she had diminished a piece of me.
I made a silent vow to myself after I left my mother that I wouldn’t let myself crumble before her sight because I’ve learned she takes delight in seeing my destruction - I wouldn’t give her that pleasure, anymore. And when I proclaimed to her that I was no longer her child, I meant it.
I’m not the most stable person when it comes to handling my emotions but even I know that there is a breaking point as to how much a person is going to take being treated like total crap before they take a stand for themselves. I love Mabel - I’ve always loved my mother. As a toddler, I remember sitting on my parents’ king sized bed and watching her as she sat in front of her mirror and prepared herself for the day - to me, my mother was a goddess.
Jade and Zora have always been the knock-out beauties in my household but they wouldn’t look the way they do if it wasn’t for our mother’s genes. Mabel Kennedy could’ve been a model if she truly had aspired to be it - of course, I don’t think my mother has ever had any aspiration to do anything for herself except be my father’s wife and our mother.
She never spoke of her dreams. I’m not even sure if she even had dreams for herself. I just assumed she lived her dreams through Jade - my eldest sister is the only one of our clan to actually get away and keep her promise to not return. I had made that same promise four years ago and look at me now.
I love my mother but it was evident that the love I had for her would never be reciprocated and so I was through with trying to be what she wanted me to be. Accept me for who I am or just leave me alone. We all know where my mother’s alliances lie when it relates to me.
I shook my head to rid my thoughts and did what always seems to comfort me when I’m stressing out - eat. I had begun to get used to the fact that Zora didn’t like staying in the house as much as I did - every chance she got, she was gone. And I never spent as much time with Kyle anymore because it was summer and he would rather spend his days with children his age than his aunt - I understand that.
So, if I’m not working or reading, I find myself eating. I don’t eat when I’m not hungry, that’s just crazy but I tend to eat too much when I’m stressed, like now - I’ve already gone through one full bag of Oreo cookies, a pint of Ice cream, and now I find myself eating chocolate chip cookie dough.
Seriously, I am.
I’m licking my sticky fingers when the phone in the living room sounds off, I immediately freeze because I’m terrified that it might be my mother. I do not want to talk to her. My heart is steadily increasing now and I feel beats of sweat form onto the base of my neck.
Get over yourself. I chew on my bottom lip and just decide to get it over with - I answer the phone and to my relief, I’m met with a male’s voice. I immediately think its my sister’s new ‘friend’ she has been hanging out with lately and I smile because I’m happy my sister has finally found someone that makes her happy.
At least one of us Kennedy sisters will be happy.
So, imagine my surprise when the man asks to speak to - me! I hope Zora hasn’t decided to try to set me up with anyone because it would never work out - in high school, I would answer the phone for my sisters and various of their guy friends would try to talk to me but when they would finally see me, they acted as if they didn’t know me.
I was never hurt by this. I’ve learned that I have what they call a ‘skinny’ voice on the phone - how a person can think that they can tell what a person’s appearance is by the way they talk is beyond me.
But that’s the male species for you. Idiots, I tell you.
I lick my lips quickly. “This is she.” I cock my head to the side, and sit on the edge of the sofa, “Who is calling?”
I hear his breathing increase on the line, and I wait, patiently - when he still doesn’t say anything, I figure he’s realized how much of an mistake he’s made by calling me but once again I am surprised. “Oh, hey!” Suddenly his monotone voice becomes slightly energetic, and my brows rise in interest. “This is Trace.”
Trace? I don’t even try to wrap my mind around who this guy is because I know I’ve never met him - I can remember every guy that has ever taken time out of his schedule to get to know me and I know he isn’t one of the two or three. “I don’t think we’ve met.” I speak, cautiously.
He snickers. “We have but not on good terms, I guess you can say. My partner in crime is Justin Timberlake.” My eyes widen. Oh, no. What does he want? “Don’t hang up, okay?”
Even though I should and I want to, I remain on the phone. “I wanted to say I’m sorry for how he’s been acting towards you and my part in it - I’ve known your sisters most of my life and Justin should’ve given you the benefit of the doubt.”
I am again, surprised. Almost immediately, my heart warms at his gesture of sincerity and I’m touched. I don’t want to have to associate with Justin ever again but I know that if I see Trace in town, I will be kind to him. “Thank you for that.”
There is a beat of silence and I’m not sure what else to say in situations like these so I ask about Justin, finally. “Is Justin okay? I mean, he doesn’t seem like he’s happy.”
Trace’s energetic voice diminishes as he speaks now, it is as if he is telling me a secret that he is frightened of being caught telling. “He’s not okay and he’s not happy.” He sighs, “I’ve done a lot of stupid shit with the guy thinking that in the long run, he’ll get better - but things only seem to get worse. I’m through with the drugs and I’m through with using women cause there’s nothing there for me anymore.”
I don’t know what to say, so I remain quiet. “Justin’s got a lot of inner demons and I don’t think I can help him fight them anymore - I just think I’m making things worse.” I hear him take a deep breath, it is obvious to me that this Justin fellow means a lot to him. “I’m sorry, Sadie - I know you don’t want to hear my fucked up version of life.”
I shake my head as if he can see me. “Its okay.” I bite down on my lower lip before choosing to speak again. “Sometimes you have to take a step back from the people that you love the most.” As I say this, the image of my mother enters my thoughts.
In the background, I can now hear someone asking to speak to whoever Trace is talking to and I freeze up because I’m almost one hundred percent positive that it is Justin. Now, it is time for me to get off of the phone.
Without saying another word, I hang up the phone and my hand lingers on the base of phone, shaking. I feel for Trace and I don’t even know him. Its hard to want to do everything you can for the person you love and see that its never good enough. My heart reaches out to the man - he and I have something in common.
I shake my head. If it wasn’t for Justin being his friend, I could actually picture myself getting to know Trace and as I think this, a shiver runs through my spine. I must be crazy to even think a guy like him would even stoop to my level.
I’m not even sloppy seconds or a third helping - I’m the trash that always gets thrown away and overlooked - time and time again.
* * *
Author's Notes:
Thanks for the feedback - I felt so energized that I wrote this really long chapter for you guys. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did writing it - after this chapter things will heat up very much so for Sadie and Justin. I look forward to more feedback. :)
Chapter Six
Crazy, how it, feels tonight
Crazy, how you, make it all alright love
You crush me, with the, things you do,
I do, for you, anything too.
Sitting, smoking, feeling high.
And in this, moment, ah, it feels so right
“Crush” - Dave Matthews Band
What have I gotten myself into?
Staring at my reflection in the body size mirror in Maria’s bathroom, I shuddered with distaste. I don’t even recognize myself anymore - I cannot believe I let my sister convincing me into doing this.
After the incident with my mother and talking to Trace, I wanted to get away from the house so when Maria extended an invitation to spend some quality ‘sister time’ together at her place - I jumped at the chance. If I had known that when I got there she would have an outfit for me and have plans to go out to some dance club, I would have never left the house.
But here I am - and it feels as if I’m going to cry because I don’t like what I see in the mirror right now. I wanted to shy my thoughts of my mother and at the time I thought that if going out partying could do just that - then I was all for it.
I’ve never been a party girl which I’m guessing anyone can obviously tell. The only parties I’ve attended are my own family birthday gatherings and I’m pretty sure that doesn’t count. On my eighteenth birthday, Zora wanted to celebrate by taking me out to one of her favorite jazz clubs just outside of our city but I was terrified of going - anything could happen if I’m not protected by my own walls of seclusion. Big crowds and Sadie Kennedy just do not mix well together.
People terrify me - that is my issue - I see no point in trying to socialize when no one even gives me the slightest bit of attention. I am so sure that since I am spending the night with Maria - I might as well try to be her bodyguard because I won’t be acknowledged at all with her by my side.
Maria felt as if she wanted to branch out and meet new people, preferably men - I let her believe that there was a possibility that I could get someone, anyone. In reality, I know the truth - the only chance I have of getting anyone to talk or notice me is about as good of a chance as Flavor Flav finally choosing New York - and I know everyone saw how that turned out.
“Damn! You look hot, Dee Dee.” Maria is speaking to me now while running her thin, long fingers through my thick waves of curls. For some reason my sister believes that my face is more ‘full and exotic’ when my hair is thick with curls that frame my oval-shaped features. I don’t know about that.
Of course I’m surprised that she knew my size - I had on a pair of tight hip hugger blue jeans that refused to go over my navel; I felt incredibly insecure when I placed the white silk tube top on - it was tight fitting around my chest area and barely covered belly button and my tiny stretch marks that lined beneath my navel.
I so did not like this outfit. My sister lent me her white thong flip flops and forced me to wear some sort of weird hat that she claimed only looked fitting if I wore it to the side - the style I did not understand but I had to admit that it worked with the big silver hoops she also begged me to indulge on myself. I thought I looked ridiculous. Maria is trying to make a fool of me.
It wasn’t anything inappropriate but I have never worn anything like this before; my only issue is my arms, they are not firm and muscular like my sisters - instead they jiggle when I make movement. I could only imagine people just staring at my jello arms and wanting to point and laugh at me but choosing not to because I would be accompanied with my beautiful sister, Maria.
Yeah, lucky me.
“I don’t know about this.” I say now, pursing my glossed lips together - I had gotten out of the makeup area with Maria but she only begged that I applied some sort of lip gloss to my lips, which I did, but it was clear gloss - much to her dismay.
Maria waved me off while checking herself out in the mirror now; of course she was a knockout - her hair was in a high loose ponytail making her look simple but when a person glanced at her outfit, they knew she was nothing close to just ‘simple’. A black halter top and some tight white jeans framed her curves nicely and I secretly envied her exotic beauty.
Patrice and Maria had the roots of our father; my mother will swear to her grave that my father doesn’t have any type of other ethnicity in him except for Caucausion but I’ve always doubted this. Scott Kennedy has always been this tall, very darkly tanned, black hair and green-eyed beauty from the day that he was given life; my father had been chased down by model agents trying to get him to be choose modeling as his profession because his features were claimed to be so rare and hypnotic but of course Scott refused.
He believes that to be a real man you have to start by building a foundation of a relationship between your children and your wife - and if he pursued modeling, he wouldn’t have been able to accomplish this.
That’s why I figure that he secretly frowned upon Jade’s decision to start an acting career - not because he wasn’t proud of her but he didn’t believe it brought stability for whenever she decided to create her own family. Anyway, back to the topic at hand - my father’s parents were from Greek descent but my mother refused to acknowledged this fact instead she overlooked it as just ‘myth’ of some kind.
To her, being mixed with ethnicity besides the White American is a sin. I don’t want to get started on her and her views because I can spend a lifetime explaining her foolish views and ways on the way of life.
As a child I continually wrecked my father’s nerves of his ancestors but he never let up on his past and I know the reason to this is mostly due to my mother - she had Scott wrapped around her finger and there was no one or anything that could take him from her web entrapment. I used to want to protect him from my mother. Funny, huh?
Now, I just feel sorry for him.
“Stop being such a baby.” She is pushing her breasts closer together in her bra now and I frown because I know she uses her body as a magnet for the opposite sex. “You got a body, babe, and you should be proud of it.”
I turned sideways to glance at my body and I wanted to instantly cover my stomach - it wasn’t entirely huge but it did have some extra fat that edged a little bit over my jeans. I would have to hold my breath during the whole night to have no one notice. I never truly felt comfortable with my hips, either - they were too wide; sometimes I could never be able to fit into my own size of jeans because my hips were so wide and not only that but I had a little of a behind for a white girl.
My mother had always claimed that it wasn’t meant for a white girl to have a big behind; she said it was ‘tacky and distasteful’. I wanted nothing more than to get rid of it but Zora would smack me on my butt and claim that any girl, including herself, would die to have shape like mine.
Yeah, right, sis.
I chewed down on my bottom lip, “Um, sure.” I mumble to myself mostly, “Where are we going exactly?”
Without hesitating, she responds, “A small club on the east side of town called ‘Fantasy’,” when she noticed my eyes widened, she snorted. “You don’t have to be scared, Dee, not that many people go there - its very intimate.”
My heartbeat had slowed down some and I turned my eyes away from her reflection in the mirror. “Out of everyone - why did you want me to go with you?”
Maria grinned then. Her hazel green eyes sparkled with happiness. “Cause I wanted to hang out with my baby sis, that’s why.”
Patrice suddenly entered the bathroom and was staring at my appearance for what seemed like hours before she folded her arms in front of her chest and sighed. I guess she thought I looked like a fool. Well, that would make two of us, then. “Why are you looking at her like that?” Maria spoke to our sister.
Patrice rolled her eyes before she glanced at me and now she, too, was smiling at me. “You're a fucking goddess, Dee Dee.” She said, simply, before moving to sit on the bed in Maria’s room.
Heat rushed to my cheeks and I couldn’t help but feel warm inside; I knew she wasn’t serious but sometimes it was just nice to be lied to.
Maria scoffed. “How do I look?”
I could Patrice mumble something incoherent and then she spoke loudly, “Bitch, stop fishing for compliments.”
But my sister still didn’t give up. She leaned closer to me, whispering, “How do I look?”
Just as I was about to answer, Patrice spoke again. “Like a whore looking for her new conquest.”
My sister beside me groaned loudly before exiting the room and standing in front of Patrice, hands on her hips, frowning. “That was down right mean, Patrice Valerie!”
I stuck my head out of the door slightly to see Patrice smiling, not giving a care. “Love you too, Maria.”
Maria remained frowning for a moment before she grinned, pushing our sister slightly on her shoulder. “You’re just jealous that you’re not coming with us tonight.”
Patrice waved her off, her brows scrunched together in what looked like thought. “What? Please!” Patrice peered around Maria to look at me, “Next time you go out - you’re coming with me - this bitch over here can only help you in getting a one night stand with lousy dick. I, on the other hand, can get you a husband with benefits, if you know what I mean.” She winked at me and when I stared at her blankly, her face dropped. “Okay, obviously, you don’t.”
My eyes widened slightly. Is that why Maria wanted me to go out with her tonight? I was frightened now, seriously.
My oldest sister of the three of us, snickered. “Whatever.” Her face suddenly scrunched into disgust. “That’s why you smell like the garbage from outside.”
Patrice didn’t look fazed. “Actually, that’s you.”
Maria rolled her eyes. “Bitch, no its not, I-” She lifted her arms then and I instantly inhaled the odor of funk combined with perfume, her eyes widened and she turned bright red and pushed me out of the way, while entering the bathroom and closing the door. I heard her screaming in the bathroom as Patrice giggled softly to herself. “Patrice, I HATE YOU!”
My sister motioned for me to come towards her so she could fix the hat on my head while doing this, she was smiling wildly, showing off her dimples along the way. “Remember this, Sadie - never let yourself be a target for easy jokes - you’ll end up like Maria.”
I said nothing because frankly, I could see nothing wrong with the proposition.
* * *
Things weren’t as bad as I assumed they would be - we had been here for more than two hours and I had spent most of my time sitting at a round table sipping on cherry Coke while my sister danced with random men who continuously seemed to appear at her side. No one even noticed I existed which I didn’t have a problem with.
I enjoyed the music, somewhat. I wasn’t used to hearing anything outside of the classical music that I enjoyed (I know if you didn’t think I was nerd before, you do now) so to be exposed to something was interesting, to say the least. I liked seeing Maria smile when she was in the arms of a man because she looked like she could never be happier than she was in that moment with that man. I never understood why she hasn’t tried the dating thing again since her own business deals with it but she just chooses not to. Ask me the story behind this and I honestly do not know.
The place was really intimate - there were tables to sit and talk to your friends than there was a dance floor to groove to. Maria had had a few drinks by now and had wanted me to join in on her fun but of course, I’m not that type of girl plus I was the designated driver and there was no way I was going to even experience my first taste of alcohol tonight.
My mind drifted to that of the song was playing now - Konstantine and my heart suddenly dropped at the memory that flooded me then.
Zora was always on the go when we were in high school - even after she had Kyle at sixteen, she continued to stay gone from our home and our family. I didn’t mind it though, it just meant I spent more time with my nephew but my parents frowned upon it but they just chose never to say anything to her because Zora was not the type to be restricted to what others thought was best for her.
Out of all of my sisters, she was the boldest when it came to confronting our mother. They were constantly at a battle between who would come out on top or who would get the last word. When Zora gave birth to her son, she chose to not look to our mother as an authority figure any longer - she looked to her as she was her equal.
Sometimes, I credited my sister’s behavior to her boyfriend and Kyle’s father, James Raymond; they’ve been together since they were twelve years old and throughout their tumultuous years together, my sister withdrew herself from our family more and more with each passing year that they were together. It was not on purpose of course but my sister always seemed so infatuated with the town legend - she would give up her life for him if that meant that they could be together forever.
She used to tell me that she had purposely stopped using her birth control because she wanted to be tied to James with a child, forever; Zora wanted to have as many of his babies as she could because she felt that that way he would never leave her because she would be the mother of his children and he would want to marry her and take her away from our family.
It amazed me that love could make a person do some pretty ridiculous things - maybe I was blessed to never be able to experience it? I wouldn’t be able to make the same decisions that my sister has made.
That night, I was lying in my bed with my six month old nephew curled in ball beside me - it was extremely late at night and I had remained awake because it was one of my routines for when Zora would sneak out into the night to see James; I’d stay up until she came home just because I needed to know that she got home safe and sound.
Now, I watched as she stepped into the room, sobbing softly. The lights were off in our room so I couldn’t see her face but I knew she was crying. Zora wasn’t a very public emotional person, it had to be something really big to make her show any sign of distress, whatsoever.
I embraced Kyle’s sleeping form closer to my chest as I whispered, “What happened, Zora?”
She jumped now. It was as if she didn’t know I was awake but I found that ridiculous because she always knew I stayed up for her, always. She sobbed, loudly, then and I debated on exiting my bed and sitting beside her but I debated against it.
She turned on her bedside lamp then bringing a little light to the room and after I adjusted my eyes to the light I tried to see her face but she had her back to me as she fumbled with our stereo before she decided upon Something Corporate’s Konstantine. I knew this song only because Zora despised it with a great passion but now she was playing it softly as if it was soothing her soul.
Something definitely was wrong.
Zora turned her face to me now and she looked perfectly fine - not one shed of a tear accompanied her flawless features, she glanced at her son before sitting on her bed and taking off of her shoes. “James broke up with me tonight.” She said, simply, the sobbing had ceased.
I can't imagine all the people that you know
and the places that you go
My eyes widened and I suddenly understood - she was hurt. I wanted to console her then but I didn’t know how - I wasn’t good at those types of things. “Why?”
She shrugged her shoulders while pulling her hair into a low, loose ponytail. “Hell if I know.” She began biting on her lower lip before her brown eyes reached mine, “I just know it hurts, Sadie.” Her eyes lowered to the floor and she sighed, loudly. “It hurts something awful.”
When the lights are turned down low
and I don't understand all the things you've seen
My heart reached out to her then. I felt so sorry for her and as I felt Kyle shift underneath me, my heart reached to him, too. James just didn’t know what he was missing out on.
“It’ll be okay, Zora.” I say now - I don’t believe what I’m saying but it just seemed like the most appropriate thing to say at the moment.
She shakes her head then. “I don’t think so, Sadie.” She clasped her hands together and I watched in silence as she rocked her body from side to side, thinking. “I’ve never felt this way before, Sadie and it scares me.”
But I'm slipping in between
You and your big dreams
It's always you
In my big dreams
I prop my head up with my right hand and stare at her intently, trying to understand her, but I can’t. “Felt like what?”
Her eyes find mine then and I shiver at how lost and lonely they appear to be now. Poor Zora. “Like I wanted to die.”
And you tell me that it’s over
wake up lying in a patch of four leaf clovers
and you’re restless
and I’m naked
She could’ve said anything but her last statement - it took me completely by surprise and I silently wondered what was going through her mind at the moment. What was she thinking of doing to herself? Did I need to wake our parents for help?
Zora didn’t seem even to notice the look of terror on my face because she continued talking, “Don’t fall in love, Sadie - its bullshit.” She pulled the sweater over her head and I watched as she let it fall to the floor; she moved to the stereo and increased the volume of the music, her eyes now closed. “This man has me wishing I was dead.” She opened her eyes and now the tears were clearly visible falling down her cheeks.
I wanted to protect her. She’s always been there for me and now I wanted to console her but I didn’t know how to exactly go about it. I remained in my bed. “You don’t mean that, Zora, you can’t.”
She snorted. “Yes, I do, Dee Dee.” Her eyes then fell upon her son and she whimpered softly, “Don’t ever tell anyone else about this but if it weren’t for my baby and you - I just wouldn’t be able to keep living in this crazy ass house and I couldn’t live, period.”
“Zora, so what would you do?”
She frowned at me then and shook her head slowly, and I know sometimes she is frustrated because I’m not as quick to understand things as the average female would - at least that is how she is looking right now. Zora scoffs loudly, “Nothing, Sadie - nothing at all - just do yourself a favor and don’t fall in love, okay? Be smart and just don’t.”
As the song slowly comes to an end - the memory of the past slipped from my thought; I disliked the song so much because I knew at that moment, my best friend, who is my sister was willing to end her life for a man - and Zora always represented herself as the epitome of a strong, independent woman and when I would hear the song, it reminded me of the time that she was so unsure of herself that she didn’t want to go on.
I didn’t want to remember her that way, I just couldn’t.
Suddenly, Maria appeared at our table, grinning. “Dance with me, Dee Dee.” I shook my head quickly. I don’t dance - I’ve never have; it is another thing that I have to be self conscious of and I would rather not make a public fool of myself.
“I don’t think so.” I say, simply, turning my attention to something random in the club.
She takes my hand into hers and pulls me from my seat, I yelp with disdain. What does she think she’s doing? “Girl, I’ve danced with every man in this place but I want to dance with my sister.”
We both end up in the middle of the dance floor and as Ciara’s new song Promise begins to play, my sister starts giggling; she takes her hands in mine and starts jokingly dancing around. She looks a fool right now.
My eyes widen. “Maria, this is a slow song - why are you dancing like that?”
Maria continues to bounce around the floor, moving her hips roughly and while she is doing this, I have no choice but to move my body from side to side, and I’m doing this…very slowly. “Who gives a fuck? I can dance any way I like, here-” she moves her hands to my hips and speeds up the rhythm of my body, “that’s it - you got it.”
She steps back from me and turns away from me and slowly dances to the beat of the music and I continue to sway my hips to the beat. Just follow the beat. I didn’t want to make a fool of myself but I needed to calm down, I just needed to relax - no one was watching me so what was I afraid of?
I was going to be okay.
Maria turns her attention back to me and she is still smiling, “You got some rhythm, Dee Dee,” she shakes her head slowly, “look at those hips, I’m jealous!”
I roll my eyes at her, ignoring her last statement. It is then that a man joins us on the dance floor and I am not surprised as he moves towards my sister - he probably saw her a mile away and was drawn into her beauty; when he moves closer I see that it is Trace, the man I talked to earlier on the phone.
My heart beat increases slightly and heat rushes to my cheeks - I don’t remember him being as short as he is because I notice I am at least two inches taller than he is. And he isn’t that attractive but as soon as I think this, I instantly want to shove my fist in my mouth - who am I to judge anyone?
Maria notices him, too and she shrieks with happiness and moves to him quickly, embracing him. “Hey!”
I choose to ignore their conversation now and close my eyes as I listen to the beat and I find myself still moving my hips to the beat. I feel so calm now, so relaxed. It is then that I feel a pair of muscular hands rest upon my hips and I freeze. What is going on?
I am frightened to turn around and see who is touching me and then I smile suddenly - maybe its Trace? I don’t know why I want it to be him but somehow I feel drawn to him. Why? Don’t ask. But I know it can’t be him because even he has higher standards in women so I assume that it has to be my imagination that the hands on me now belong to a man.
It’s not possible.
Turning around slowly, I am met with Justin Timberlake. My heart sinks and palms become sweaty; this is the last person on the face of the Earth that I expected to be in front of me right now. I wonder if he’s sober because he’s looking at me as of now, smiling. I prepare myself for his cruel mouth in about one, two, and three -
“Hello, sexy.” His tone and his comment catch me off guard and I frown. Is he talking to me? Seriously?! I look past him to try to find my sister and I see her staring at me, cautiously - I know she is on guard because I bet that she didn’t notice that Justin had snuck up on me. I motion to her that I will handle this myself and when I do this, I surprise myself - how am I supposed to handle this?
* * *
Okay, this might surprise the average American, but I’m not loaded tonight. You surprise? So the fuck am I. Trace convinced me to vacant my mother’s basement and head out with him for the night - but the catch was, I had to be completely sober. If I’d known we were going to this lame ass club, I would’ve stayed my ass home.
Things seemed to look up when I noticed the tall girl on the dance floor - she wasn’t small but she had curves on her that I knew would be in her favor and mine if we were in the bedroom. I had to get her. I hadn’t had a decent fuck since Sara Jean and I wouldn’t exactly list that as my top best fucks of all time. My friend Binky needed to be released of some major stress and this girl before me was the perfect selection; yeah, I named my penis, Binky - who gives a fuck? Bitches name their vaginas all the time or at least I do but that’s neither here nor there.
Now, as she turns around to face me, I’m smiling. She has nice tits, too. I can’t wait to lay her down. A look of shock is gracing her features and I know she’s surprised that she’s so close to perfection. Yeah, I’m the shit and I know it.
“W-What is y-you doing?” Her stuttering instantly turns me off and I frown suddenly because I notice that voice and as I peer closer to her facial features, I groan loudly.
It’s the fat Kennedy bitch! I have the urge to vomit as of now - what the fuck kind of joke is this that this ugly whore has the nerve to dress herself up to make her seem acceptable looking to the opposite sex.
I’m seeing daggers now and I feel my face becoming hot. I want to fucking rip her ugly ass to shreds. “You fucking slut!” I say now, calmly - I’m surprising myself at how calm I sound but nevertheless, I am extremely pissed. She steps back then, her eyes widening; she’s absolutely terrified of me and I secretly love it.
The next thing I know, Maria moves in front of the ugly bitch and folds her arms in front of her much plumped chest, she cocks her head to the side, her green eyes burning a hole of disgust into my head. “You mind wanting to repeat what you said to Sadie for me, please?”
Ah, hell. Can’t this bitch ever fight her own battles without having her fine ass sisters’ stick up for her? I don’t feel like getting into it with Maria, so I lie. “I don’t remember.”
Trace, with his two-faced ass, decides to open his mouth then. “J, you said ‘you-”
I cut my eyes at him, warning him silently. “Shut it, Trace.”
Maria continues to stare at me. I always thought her ass was pretty but now, when she’s pissed, she looks like a fucking beauty queen. I should’ve fucked her ass when I had the chance so many years ago. She moves closer to me then and I find myself in taking a quick breath of air as I feel her hands find my little friend and I breathe harshly as she begins to rub Binky, gently. Damn, I didn’t know she had the magic touch, but she did.
She wanted me. I always knew she did.
“You like that?” She whispered in my ear softly, moving her body closer to mine, I couldn’t think straight - all I could see was yellow dots, I was blacking out because this shit felt so damn good; when she felt me nod my head, she giggled softly.
“I know you do.” Her lips find my cheek and before she kisses me, she snorts and I burrow my brows in confusion and then the pain strikes me suddenly as I feel her grip onto Binky, tightly, cutting off the blood rushing to its head. I want to scream, I want to fucking choke her crazy ass but I can’t bring myself to move - this shit hurts too damn much. Maria pulls back suddenly, loosening her grip on my dick. “How does that feel now?”
I groan. Bitch, how do you think it feels? I bite my tongue from speaking my mind because she has my life in her hands right about now. “Painful.”
She nods her head slowly, still squeezing gently on the head of my penis, I chew down on my lower lip, wondering silently why the fuck isn’t my so-called best friend helping me out. And then I know why - he fucking thinks Maria is his friend.
Fucking loser.
“Then maybe you’ll think before you speak to my sister like that again, huh?” When I make no movement to respond to her, she squeezes tightly and I make a shriek of pain before nodding my head quickly. I just want her stupid ass to stop. “Cause if you choose to degrade her again in front of me or any of my other sisters or even at all - I promise you, I will make Binky feel worse pain than this, buddy…so much more.”
She smiles. “Fucking test me, Justin. I dare you.”
I know she’s serious; none of the Kennedy sisters play games when it comes to their family - they are like the fucking Mafia or something, no shit. Crazy ass motherfuckers. I decide then that this ugly bitch isn’t worth tormenting anymore, not if it is at the cost of harming my Binky, I just can’t allow that to happen.
“Its cool, Maria.” I say now and she lets go of my friend quickly and I instantly find my hands gently massaging my lifelong partner in crime. I cannot believe this shit just went down.
The bitch they call Sadie is staring silently at the actions that have taken place and she continues to say nothing, I watch in horror as Maria walks away and only to my dismay, Trace moves to Sadie. What the fuck?
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” I say now.
Trace doesn’t even cut his eyes at me as he moves to the ugly, fat bitch - she’s seems more calm now as I try to hear what they’re talking about but to no avail.
“Trace, I know that you hear me, man.” I’m becoming incredibly pissed off with being ignored. I don’t get ignored, it just doesn’t happen.
My best friend looks at me then and has a face of utter embarrassment - I figure he’s ashamed to be seen with me or ashamed to be my friend and I’m not phased by this; he chose to stick by my side, good or bad and I don’t give a fuck if he wants to run around with his dick tucked between his ass cheeks. He’s a little pussy, anyway.
Yeah, I said it.
“Jay, I’ll meet you in the car, okay? You’ve done enough damage now, so just leave, all right?” This motherfucker chooses to walk off in the direction where Maria was headed with the ugly bitch by his side.
I thought she was fucking insecure - doesn’t look like it from where I‘m standing. She’s so quick to be next to my friend and he’s so damn happy to be the man to her rescue. If I wasn’t so disgusted with the whole scene before me, I would be sure that Trace has a crush on the big girl - I shake my head at this. There’s no fucking way that’s possible.
No fucking way - or is it?
* * *
"Love Song For No One" by CutiePie07
Author's Notes:
Sorry it took so long for me to get this chapter up - I had senior prom and major boyfriend issues but here it is - its P1 to a chapter and I don't really like it but I hope you guys do...I'll try to have the next part up by tomorrow, hopefully! God Bless and please leave me feedback! :)
Chapter Seven: Part One
"When it comes down to it, there are only three questions to ask yourself: when, where and how. The who and why are beyond your control."
Source: Unknown
Searching all my days just to find you
I’m not sure who I’m looking for
I’ll know it
When I see you
Until then, I’ll hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one
“Love Song for No One” - John Mayer
I’m not used to this - my whole life I’ve expected to never have anyone to call my own, I just knew that I was the girl who would never get the guy. That’s how it supposed to be, always. But these last few weeks have left me dazed and rattled with fear - tonight, I’m going a date for the first time in my life. Is your mouth hanging on the floor in surprise? Well, join the club. I couldn’t fathom this idea, either.
Its hard for me to understand what has happened to me in these past few weeks that have led up to this point but the most important piece of the puzzle is that its because of Trace - yes, Trace.
After the incident at the club with Justin, my sister and Trace had rekindled their close friendship but to my surprise it was all a little hoax - they only appeared close with one another so that he could get closer to me. How do I know this? Patrice can’t keep her mouth closed if her life depended on it - so, I had prepared myself for Trace calling me a few times a week and surprisingly appearing at my sisters’ business the days that I chose to come.
Coincidence? No, it was all planned. I’m not the type of person that confronts people, not even my own sister so I had let it be. It was a weird feeling I would get when Zora would tell me it’s Trace on the phone, asking for me - my heartbeat would increase and my palms would become sweaty.
It was just too good to be true that I could finally have someone want me - just too good.
Zora had this way of letting her emotions show without speaking - there was no denying if she was mad, sad, upset and sometimes, depressed. I noticed it all and now, with her standing in my room staring at me, I know that she’s ecstatic about something.
I had planned on lying in my bed all day long and sleeping - it was one of my days off and I had to prepare myself for plenty of rest because in almost a month, I was going to start teaching at the elementary school around the block. But of all days, Zora decided to become a thorn in my side - she was keeping a secret and she was dying to spill it.
I just know my sister that well. I positioned the cool, silk sheets so that they weren’t covering half of my face anymore. I sighed. “Out with it, Zora.”
Her brown eyes lightened suddenly and she stepped further into my room, her hands were behind her back and she had this weird grin on her face. “What’re you talking about, Dee Dee?” She tried to sound innocent and naïve but when I scoffed, she rolled her eyes and moved closer to me, giving in. “Oh, what the hell! When did Trace start taking a liking to my baby sister?”
Of course she would know - my sisters were all like the three musketeers - they were just too close for comfort, if you ask me. But if it weren’t for Patrice being such a blabbermouth, Zora still could’ve figured it out - Trace called a little bit too much, so much that sometimes it was nerve-wrecking.
That was my cue to sit up so that she could sit down beside me, and when I did, she hurriedly rushed over and accompanied me. “He doesn’t like like me, Zora.”
Her smile instantly fell from her face and she snorted. “Okay, no one says that ‘like LIKE me’ shit since we entered middle school,” my cheeks turned red at this, I was embarrassing myself. “And yes, he does like you. The guy is playing the female card right now - he won’t stop calling this damn house and don’t get me started at him showing up at our job every time you’re there.”
I shrugged my shoulders, “Maria planned this with him.”
Her brown eyes found my own and her brows furrowed in confusion, “What,” her voice is low, even, “exactly did they plan?”
I could see she was thinking that they were using me and I knew she wouldn’t stand that, not even from Maria - Zora will have my back continuously, there’s no in betweens with her, when you have her trust…she will die trying to protect you from harm, no lie.
“Its not what you’re thinking,” her face relaxed then, “Patrice told me that Trace had the intentions of wanting to get closer to me but didn’t know how to tell me this so he asked Maria for help.”
Zora cocked her head to the side, studying me. “If she was going to do that shit - she should’ve gotten paid - that is our job, after all!” When I stared at her blankly and said nothing - she cleared her throat, her hand patted my thigh, apologetically. “it’s a good thing, though - Trace is a sweetheart, he just tends to hang around jackasses.”
I’m pretty sure she is referring to Justin - that is the main reason why I’m so hesitant to become friends with Trace. To add him in my life would mean that I had to include Justin, also, maybe just by association but still…he would be there and I’m not so sure that my weak self-esteem can handle him anymore than I should have to.
On many of our conversations, Trace promised to raise to my defense against his best friend and this had appalled me - I barely knew this man and he was willing to go against someone he had known all of his life just to do what he thought was right? I didn’t understand his reasoning for wanting to do that but I never truly asked because in honesty, I didn’t want to know.
I eye her skeptically. “Um, okay.” I said slowly, wondering why she was still smiling like an idiot. “What is wrong with you?”
She pulled me into her embrace then, giggling - my face happened to be buried in her chest so you could only imagine my discomfort. “Dee Dee got herself a man!” She was bouncing up and down in the bed, singing this repeatedly, while still holding onto me, I pushed away suddenly and she was still bouncing, happily.
Obviously, she has gotten the wrong idea. “No, I haven’t.” She stopped bouncing, confused. “We’re just friends, Zora - he doesn’t want anything more than that.”
I had finally accepted the fact that maybe the opposite sex could accept me as being their friend, but nothing more - that’s why I wasn’t so put off when Trace kept calling and trying to spend time with me, he wasn’t dating anyone and the only other person he hung out with just happened to be the town junkie so he wanted to expand his horizons and when I say this, I mean find more friends.
I was okay with being his friend. I’ve only known for a month, maybe less but I trust him, I know he means no harm and I see that he truly loves my sisters so what else could I ask for in a friend?
I felt my heartbeat increasing slightly and I tried to stop myself from sweating - I seem to always do this when I think of him now.
Zora is speaking now. “I love you, baby girl, but you’re a complete idiot when it comes to the male species.” She takes my hand in hers and pulls me to my feet and I follow her into her room.
My eyes follow hers as she lets go of my hand and turns to me, “You need to understand something,” I nod my head for her to continue, “men are animals - they like the chase. If there’s a girl giving up the goods and then there’s the girl playing hard to get - who do you think they’ll go after?”
I smirk. “The one that’s giving herself up easily?”
My sister smiles. “Yeah, duh - well, he’ll just fuck her but what he want really wants is the girl playing hard to get - they like a girl who holds promise for something greater when they finally do get her.”
I’m not following her. “So you’re saying men only want the girls who give them a chase cause they’ll be better in bed?”
Zora looks at me, incredulous. “Oh, Lord,” she mumbles to herself before sighing, loudly. “Maybe some men are like that but not the one I’m talking about.”
Who is she talking about?
I’m at a loss for words. When she notices this, she rolls eyes. “Trace Ayala!” Trace? What does he have to do with this whole little lecture she’s giving me.
I smile. “Trace found someone?”
Suddenly my sister smacks me in my arm and that mess hurts so I look to her in pain and she shrugs her shoulders, like I deserve it. She moves to her answering machine beside her bed and begins to press the play button, “Please just shut the hell up and listen.”
I do. And after listening to three consecutives messages of our sister Patrice leaving karaoke messages on the machine, I prepare myself to head back my room - that is until I hear Trace’s voice.
Uh, h-hey Sadie, its Trace -
I was hoping to talk to you before I came over later to pick you up - but I’ll tell you now…this is a date, at least I’m hoping you’ll accept my invitation as it being a date. I like you, Sadie and I know this will be new territory for you but I’m willing to guide you through it cause I want to get to know you…so please, just let me. See you at eight.
To say I’m in shock is an understatement - the whole time as I listened to Trace talk all I could fathom in my head is that he said he liked me. He likes me?! He likes Sadie Anne Kennedy? He likes the youngest Kennedy sister but also the ugliest and most overweight? HE likes ME?!
My mouth had become dry and I couldn’t think of anything but to say, “W-What time is it?”
I could feel her eyes on me, studying me, but I chose to ignore this - I couldn’t think of anything but how fast my heart was pounding against my chest at that moment. I couldn’t get myself under control.
“Ten after six.” Was her reply.
Trace would be here in less than two hours and I wasn’t sure if I could go through with the night knowing that he wanted to take me out on a date. I had never been out on anything closely resembling a date in my entire twenty-two years so now that I am…you can expect me to be a little bit frazzled.
Kyle suddenly enters the room and he’s smiling. “Mommy, I eat-”
Zora was quick to correct him. “Ate.“
His smile slowly fell from his features, “I ate all my broccoli!” He stepped closer to his mother, his hazel green eyes softening, “Can I pwease eat some cookies now?”
Zora nodded her head and Kyle clasped his hands together, waiting on my sister to give him the hidden treat that he so deserved; but instead, she watched me, continuing to study me, trying to understand where my thoughts were and honestly, I didn’t even know where my thoughts lie.
“Honey, your Aunt Sadie has a date tonight.” Zora is speaking to Kyle now and I watch as she moves to the kitchen, but Kyle remains in the room with me, looking nothing short of surprised.
“What’s wrong, kiddo?” I find my voice and smile down at his curious face. I haven’t been able to spend that much time with him like I would want to so each moment that I am in his presence…I savor it.
He moves closer to me. “Is it the mean man, Auntie Sadie?”
I chuckle softly. “No, honey, its not.”
I guess he thinks its okay now because a smile returns to his features and he brings his arms around my wide waist. “Mommy say you need to be happy,” he looks up at me and I find myself wanting to cry because of how much I love him, of how much adoration I have towards him for loving me so much. “I want you happy, Auntie Sadie.”
“Thank you, kiddo.” I bring my lips to his cheek and kiss him lightly. “That means everything to me when it is coming from you.” I am now kneeling in front of him, eye-to-eye.
Kyle cocks his head to the side and licks his lips, “He make you happy?”
I chew on my bottom lip and I shrug my shoulders, finally having a sense of a complete thought since I heard that message. “I don’t know yet, kiddo but…I hope he will.”
And the surprising truth to this is that I really do.
So, now here I am - looking at Trace as we pull out of my sister’s driveway and I can’t help but question his intentions with me from now on; he can’t just want to get to know me, he can’t just like me…it has to be more than that. Can he tell I’ve never been with a man before? Does he want to be the first?
I shake my head. I need to relax; I’m jumping to conclusions and all I need to do right now is enjoy the moment while its here…because I know, something like this won’t happen again for me.
Silence fills the vehicle and I turn my attention away from the man that’s driving to my clothing attire; after twenty minutes of debating with Zora on what to wear, I finally settled baby pink t-shirt and some white jean shorts that rode on my wide hips.
I was extremely against the shorts because for one, I didn’t want everyone to see gigantic legs and two, I have cellulite - not that much to make a man pull over and vomit but enough that I noticed when I was behind closed doors; but of course, Zora wasn’t hearing any of my excuses so I relented and wore them add that on to my pink thong flip flops and my white hoop earrings and I looked like a fool. I hoped none of my soon-to-be employers would ever see me out in public because I’m afraid they would revoke their job offer to me…I looked that bad.
Trace had been nice and complimented me on my appearance but I knew he was just being nice because I know that once he saw me in these really short shorts - he was disgusted, he had to be…if it were the other way around, I know I would be.
His voice interrupted my thoughts, “D-Did you want to listen to anything?” He was referring to the radio and I shook my head, if I turned to the classical station and got excited by hearing Beethoven play - it most definitely would scare him off. “Oh okay, um…is it okay if I stop by Justin’s place before we head to the restaurant? I need to give him something he asked for right before I got to your house?”
I didn’t let on but my heart suddenly wanted to burst out of my chest with fear. Great, just great. I was already terrified out of my mind but now I had to deal with the creature of Satan that is Justin, too?
Dating isn’t worth it if I have to deal with this.
But I lied. “Its fine.” I say now, forcing a smile onto my features.
“I know you don’t feel comfortable, Sadie - but I promise its just for a few minutes.” He looks to me quickly, his brown eyes warm and friendly, and I instantly find myself relaxing as I look to him just because I trust him, I really do. “I just have to drop off his lyrics journal.”
I squint my eyes in confusion and then I remember what Zora had told me before…Justin used to be a singer but then he turned to drugs and then, well you know the rest of the story. “He still writes music?” I ask, curiosity getting the best of me.
Trace shrugs his shoulders while keeping his eyes to the road and I place my hand on the dashboard as he makes a sharp right turn, he glances to me briefly, “Sorry,” I nod my head as if to say its okay. “Um, he quit the music scene a long time ago and he’d given me his journal to burn but I couldn’t do it - some of the best stuff he’s ever written is in that journal so I kept it and today he called me talking bout how he wished he could’ve kept it.” He took a deep breath and exhaled, “To make this long story short - I let him know I had it and he asked for me to bring it by and I jumped at the chance.”
“Why?” We were finally past the awkward silence so I had to keep the conversation going.
“Justin’s sanity comes from music and for him to ask me that means that he’s yearning for something more than just a needle to ease his pain.” Trace enters a driveway and turns off the engine to the car, he smiles at me while opening his door and retrieving the blue journal in the backseat. “I’ll be right back, okay?”
I nod my head and watch as he enters the small house before me. I expect to sit here and wait but to my surprise I see Justin’s mother, Lynn, exit her house and come to the passenger seat which is where I’m sitting. Oh, no. My hands become sweaty and I roll down my window and bring a smile to my face as she reaches me.
She shakes her head and opens my door, “Don’t you roll down that window to talk to me, girl!” My eyes widen and I become frightened…what is she going to do to me? Hurry, Trace! “You get out the car and give me a hug, honey!”
I breathe a sigh of relief and step out of the vehicle and am shocked as she instantly welcomes into her embrace; I don’t even know her and she doesn’t know anything of me except that I am the youngest of my family but yet, she welcomes me into her embrace with open arms. I relax and my heartbeat slows as I silently wish I had a mother like her…she is everything my mother wasn’t to me.
I envy Justin in that very moment; he has someone who loves him unconditionally but yet he takes advantage of it and is ungrateful of the love she bestows upon him. He truly is an idiot - not that I’ll ever tell him that though.
Lynn pulls back from our embrace and her blue eyes are sparkling, “Justin didn’t tell me Trace was dating you.” She grins, “He’s a lucky man.”
My cheeks flushed with redness and I giggled softly because I feel uncomfortable, “This is our first date,” I shook my head. It felt weird to acknowledge that.
This is when she notices what I’m wearing and she whistles, “Girl, that body of yours should be illegal,” I bring my arms over my chest and she laughs at my gesture and motions for me to follow her inside of the house. “No woman should wait in the car while her man enters somewhere, unattended. Come on in here, Sadie.”
I reluctantly follow her, and I want just for that moment to curse out loud because every time I think I’m getting away from Justin - I am thrown right back into his presence. As I enter the house, I instantly notice the photos of Lynn’s family throughout the living room and I smile at this because growing up, my mother didn’t allow pictures of the family to be seen in the house. I never knew why she did this but I never questioned her reasoning, either.
A photo of a younger teen Justin and a young blonde girl captures my attention because I can’t fathom this thought that enters my thoughts suddenly: he was cute. I immediately want to take back my comment but I can’t because its true - in the photo, he’s a healthy weight and has a natural skin color instead of that deathly pale color he has now and of course when he’s smiling, the smile reaches his eyes making him look so much like his mother, Lynn.
I bet that boy in the picture would’ve never said those things to me that the Justin I know now has; I just wouldn’t believe that. I focused my attention on Lynn as she moved beside me, studying the picture and then mumbling something incoherent to herself before telling me to sit down on the leather black couch behind me.
As I did, I really didn’t allow myself to listen as Lynn describe how her day had been at the house cleaning and yelling at her son to get out and look for a job; I was too preoccupied looking at Trace and Justin enter the room from God knows where. I hadn’t seen Justin in about three weeks since I was at the club and I had to admit - he looked better.
Soft, short brown curls graced his head and there were no longer bags underneath his eyes - it seemed as if he had gained some weight but his eyes were the same - they were still dead and cruel, at least that’s how I perceived them to be.
I was bracing myself for some rude comment from him but I couldn’t help but grin when Trace winked at me suddenly. I don’t know what is the appropriate behavior on a date but I just did what felt natural and it seemed like every time he looked at me…I could do nothing but smile.
Lynn’s eyes were glancing back and forth between Trace and me, she shook her head, grinning. “I sense love in the air.” She pokes me suddenly in my side, particularly where most of my fat lies and I frown up immediately, but she doesn’t notice this or at least she makes no effort to make a statement about it. “I’m jealous!”
Justin speaks up then and surprisingly enough, it isn’t directed to me. “Mom, you’re married. How can you be jealous?”
She waves her son off and glances to me, her eyes still sparkling. How is it possible for someone to be so happy? Is that normal? “Boy, hush. I love Paul but it’s always the beginning of a relationship that I miss - its all so new and unpredictable.” Lynn places her hand on my shoulder, “I can see something good coming out of this.”
I smile. I knew nothing of relationships but the way she talked of it - I liked the sound of it. I felt as if someone was watching me and I cut my eyes to Trace to see he wasn’t the one looking at me…it was Justin. I chewed on my bottom lip, trying not to show my fear because I’m guessing that’s why he always seemed to attack me, well that and the other small issue that was my weight.
“Sadie.” He said my name now. When he spoke, his voice was so soft, so gentle that I had to struggle to hear him and after I realized it was him, I did nothing but widen my eyes in horror. Was he actually bold enough to disrespect me in front of his own mother?
When I did nothing, he stepped further into the room. “Sadie.” It is then that I noticed that he never truly ever called me by my name with such a gentle tone. I shook my head, that didn’t matter. I focused my attention on Trace to see that he was eyeing his friend, probably wondering what he was up to.
Lynn nudges me in the shoulder, smirking. “Are you all right, honey?”
I nod my head slowly. And I stand from my sitting position and move around Lynn to get closer to this creature. Why do I do this? I don’t know, exactly. Ask me later and maybe I’ll know why.
Justin glances at Trace briefly before turning his attention back to me and I notice then that his blue eyes grace over my outfit and I almost immediately want to run away and hide. Justin is continuing to stare at my body and I can only imagine the things that is growing through his mind at the moment as he stares at my gigantic thighs; can he see my cellulite?
God, I hope not.
I sigh, loudly. “What can I do for you?” I ask now. I surprise myself that I don’t stutter when I speak to him; maybe I’m getting better at this confidence thing or maybe its because I know Trace is here and he’ll come to my defense if I need him to…yeah, that’s what it is.
His blue eyes now find my brown ones, “I don’t think we really got off to a good start.” I scoff. That’s an understatement. He moves closer to me and extends his right hand out. I eye him suspiciously, “You’re with my best friend and I can’t disrespect you without disrespecting him so I want to draw a truce, okay? No more of the trash talking from me - this you have my word on.”
I cut my eyes to Trace and he nods his head to me as if he is saying that what Justin is saying is true, so very true; my mind is reeling and I want to scream at this man who stands before me. Why should I shake his hand? Why should I forget what he’s done to me? He didn’t even apologize for the stuff he’s put me through!
But my eyes find Trace once again and my heart softens - I figure that Trace begged Justin to be civil to me because he knew how much of a nusiance his friend was to me; thinking about this warmed my soul - I actually meant something to someone that they would go through those lengths to have me in their life.
Trace really was a good man, maybe he would prove me wrong…just maybe.
I rolled my eyes and placed my left hand in his right and a shiver runs through me as he shakes my hand delicately, eyeing me the entire time. I feel so small underneath his gaze, like I’m ant and he’s the human that will crush me. I don’t know why I’m beginning to shake or why my eyes won’t seem to turn away from his gaze but I hold onto his hand because I’m afraid if I let go - I won’t be able to stand on my own two feet.
“Trace is family,” Justin’s speaking now and I’m wondering why we’re still holding hands but I say nothing. “He really seems to like you, Sadie and I know I’ve upset your sisters with my actions towards you - shit, I’ve upset my damn self! But that wasn’t me, I mean, it was - but it wasn’t the real me, I was under some other fucked up shit so I’m trying to get my ass together before I lose everyone that matters to me.”
I continue to stare at him blankly and suddenly a smile appears upon his features; he’s smiling at me?! And when he smiles, for the first time, I see that his smile reaches his eyes - his dark eyes lighten to baby blue and I notice my palms are becoming sweaty so I pull my hand from his and try to understand why my stomach feels so funny all of a sudden.
Why is he looking at me like that? Its like we are the only two people in the room and I wonder why Trace isn’t interrupting us - why doesn’t he say anything?
I frown. “Okay.” I say now. I hope he doesn’t expect me to be happy by this or something. I don’t know why he feels the need to tell me this because I’m nobody to him, nobody at all.
He cocks his head to the side, and places his hands into the front of his sweats pockets. “So to just put the shit out there - I’m sorry.”
Lynn suddenly moves to Justin and embraces him, rubbing his back, affectionately. “Oh, my baby!” She brings her lips to his forehead and kisses him, “One down - so many more to go, honey.”
He nods his head at her and turns his attention away from me to look to Trace, “Thanks for bringing that by, Trace - I owe you.” He cuts his eyes at me while I stand with my mouth hanging open in shock, I’m sure. Justin doesn’t seem to care. “Thanks for listening to me, Sadie - I’m doing this repenting thing where I apologize to everyone I’ve done wrong and you were the first and the hardest…so thank you.”
Justin doesn’t give me a chance to reply as he exits to his room with Lynn following behind him, I continue to stare after his disappearing figure in shock and utter disbelief; in that instant I want to call after him and congratulate him on his journey to make himself a decent man but I choose not to - I don’t know anything about that guy except that he’s a town failure and a rude man to the heart.
But I still find myself sweating with anxiety, I can still feel my hand in his - how warm and welcoming his eyes seemed and the way he smiled…he smiled as if he had just seen an angel. It is the first time I actually was speechless for good reasons when since I’ve been in his presence.
Trace steps into my line of vision and I try to rid Justin out of my thoughts as I smile at the man before me. “Your idea?” I ask now.
He shrugs his shoulders and grins, sheepishly. “Last week I gave him an ultimatum - change his ways or our friendship is through…he’s no Saint, but he’s trying now.”
I pursed my lips in thought. “So, his apology is sincere?”
He nodded his head and took my hand in his, leading me out of the house and to his vehicle. “Yeah, pretty much - he doesn’t give a shit if his mother is in the room or not - if he feels a certain way about you, he lets you know.” I lick my lips and glance back at the house as he opens my door and walks around to the drivers door.
I sigh, loudly. “Damn.” My eyes widen as I realize I’ve cursed. I did not expect that to happen - it just slipped from my lips so quickly.
As I enter the car and shut the door, Trace glances at me. “You say something?”
I try to play it off as good as I can. “No.” He shrugs this off and starts the car and pulls out of the driveway. I rest my forehead against the window and close my eyes, groaning to myself; the only image that runs through my mind is Justin’s face - why can’t I stop thinking about him?
I shake my head to rid him of my thoughts with no use because I still see him so I open my eyes in defeat and look to Trace - he’s such a decent man, so sweet so protective of me and he barely knows me. Its too good to be true, he’s too good to be true. So why can’t I get his best friend out of my mind?
This is the same man who has degraded me every chance he gets; the same man who dated my older sister and the same man who sees sex and drugs as a release from stress. Why is he worth my thoughts? My time? I don’t know the answer to this just yet.
I continue to stare at the man beside me and before I truly know what I’m doing I take his free hand in mine and hold on tight; maybe I’ll never get another date for the rest of my days to come but tonight I won’t let anyone, not even that creature, take this moment from me.
Trace cuts his eyes at me quickly and smiles. “You happy?”
I smirk; once again, Justin’s face enters my thoughts and I don’t fight it this time, instead I hold on tighter to Trace. This feeling would pass, eventually. I needed to talk to Zora - I didn’t understand what was going on with me at the moment - I couldn’t wait till I returned home to speak with her.
“Did you hear me, Sadie?” Trace interjects my thoughts.
I nod my head quickly. “I’m sorry, yes, I did.” I bite down on my lower lip, “I’m happy, Trace.”
“Did I have something to do with your happiness?” He asks me now.
A hint of blush reaches my cheeks and I glance away from his view, “Honestly, yeah, you did.” I sigh, loudly then because I’m not being completely honest with him.
Yes, Trace has contributed to the smile on my face but importantly and more terrifying it is his best friend that has kept this smile on my face.
Oh, Lord. I need my sister and I need her now.
* * *
"My Heart Is An Apple" by CutiePie07
Author's Notes:
Hey! I tried to get the chapter up yesterday but I got discouraged and tried a different route with this chapter - I'm really proud of it so thats what scares me the most. lol. I will try to reply to all of your fb from now on and please give me fb cuz I think its my best yet - I'll try to have Chap. 8 by Friday! Thank you!
Chapter Seven: Part Two
"Our brains are opposites, not wanting each other, but our hearts are one, separated in heaven, yearning for the other half that is its equal."
Source: Unknown
I’ll admit I’m full of shit
That’s how I know I love you
That’s how I know I trust you,
You’re not sure if there’s a right or wrong
But it feels like there is
when I treat you like this
“My Heart Is An Apple” - Arcade Fire
Who the fuck do he think he is giving me an ultimatum? It was this simple: give up the drugs or lose our friendship.
Yeah, fucking right. He claimed that he was only doing what he thought was the last resort to ‘save’ me but what I didn’t understand is how the fuck was he going to judge me when just a few weeks ago, he was in my room snorting the coke right along with me. Yeah, what a motherfucking hypocrite.
And don’t get me started on his newfound interest in the fat Kennedy bitch - I’m still at a loss for words on that subject - I never truly vented my view for his admiration of the girl because for the first time, my best friend seemed truly happy to be in someone else’s presence besides my own; in a weird, delusional way…I’m happy for him.
I haven’t been completely sober since I was twenty years old; many would like to know what drove me to my personal destruction but those bitches can go fuck themselves because I don’t share my business with no one - my dirty laundry is my shit to keep to myself.
The thought of losing Trace hadn’t really sunk in until just a few weeks ago - my whole life this dumb ass man has been by my side - through my good times and at my worst…he’s been there; to lose him…I don’t even want to think of the possibilities of what I will succumb myself to if I didn’t have him in my life. I hated being pushed into a corner and forced to do anything that wasn’t my own decision - that’s exactly what Trace was doing, but I knew his ass was dead serious.
So, I made a personal battle with myself to try to stop - I never believed myself to be an addict, but of course the main people that think they can stop anytime they want are the ones most in denial…shit, I guess I was in denial because that first day of trying to stop had to be the hardest day of my life.
I couldn’t fucking think straight; my hands were shaking, lips quivering and I was seeing big ass yellow dots everywhere I seemed to look - I needed a hit so badly that all I could do was sleep that day. I didn’t call anyone. I didn’t even let Sara Jean come over so I could have an easy lay.
I was all fucked up in the head and in my soul but the important thing to get out of that is that I survived it; and when I did, I knew I could do it - I could easily get over this little hump in my life and better myself before I lost my best friend or anyone else that truly mattered to me.
But that still doesn’t change my attitude towards the fat girl - in my mind, I had to be civil towards her ass because it would only result in a conflict between Trace and I if I was rude to her - and that shit just wasn't going down. I didn’t like the girl, well I’m guessing that’s obvious but the reason why is still unclear to me.
I attacked her verbally and personally, that’s the worst way to hurt someone - to get to them emotionally can leave a scar on their soul that is not so easy to heal - trust me, I know. That day in the store when she ran into me, I acted out because I was high and fucking horny as hell but when I saw her - the only thing I noticed was her thick thighs and her huge breasts and I immediately lashed out on her but that wasn’t the reason I began to dislike her; it was the look in her eyes…she was afraid of me, terrified. And to see that I had that kind of power over someone didn’t do anything but boost my major sized ego.
To see fear is the last thing I expected from a Kennedy girl - that family was nothing but a clan of cocky bitches who looked back down to no one and I mean, no one; but Sadie? Her ass had to be adopted or something because she just didn’t fit in - how could she be so insecure of herself? I scoffed; I’d understand why…she’s big as hell and hideous to the point of making me want to vomit on her ugly ass.
Okay, maybe I do go too far with criticizing her on her appearance but when you’re a part of that family - a person should have high expectations for themselves; and clearly she does not.
When Trace announced to me that he was asking her out on a date with him, I remained mute the entire time; I had no words to say, well, I did, but they weren’t anything appropriate. Honestly, my ass had bigger issues on my hands - I was trying to focus my attention on anything but the needle so that’s why I asked my friend to bring my journal by my place.
Every relationship I’ve been in before my junkie years - I wrote lyrics about in that damn book - it was my sanctuary for so long and after the incident happened with Tyler - I wanted nothing more than to burn the shit. You’re probably curious as to who Tyler is and what exactly she means to me but get over it because that’s a chapter in my life that I haven’t opened up yet…not even to Trace or my own mother.
Writing had to be my distraction from the needle and the alcohol and also my dear friend, Mary Jane; I was terrified of putting the pen to the paper and trying to think of anything else but getting high and fucking but I needed to do this…I had to do it.
So now, let me just say as I’m escorting Trace out of my house and listening to him babble on about some stupid shit regarding his car, my body freezes and my eyes immediately find my mother and Sadie sitting on my couch in the living room, smiling at one another and in some sort of conversation.
My mother is one of the most friendliest women on the face of this planet - she’ll fucking welcome King Kong into her home if his big ass gave her a smile and a hug - no joke.
Her ass is just too damn nice.
Since seeing her at the club - the bitch looks more relaxed now and I feel a tinge of anger fill my veins because I truly do not want her fat ass in my house, sitting on my couch (well, technically its my mom’s but I fucking live here!), talking to my mother like she’s known her all of her life. It made me extremely uncomfortable and I remained quiet, choosing not to voice my opinion.
I just continued to stare at the girl, blankly and finally she noticed me looking to her and I caught her steal a glance at Trace beside me and she actually smiled - a chill went through my spine suddenly because I never truly seen her smile, at least not in my presence and when she did - it changed the whole structure of her features. Sadie’s fat ass actually looked decent.
Hell no, I wasn’t going to accept that notion. I could feel Trace watching me so I sighed softly and took a deep breath - time to put on a show. “Sadie.” I say now, stepping further into the room, I watched as she watched me in silence.
Is this bitch deaf? I choose to believe that she’s overcome with the sexiness that is me, so I choose to repeat myself - “Sadie.”
Her ass still sits as if she is at a loss of words and she continues to glance at Trace, which really irks me because I swear I’m the one who’s calling her attention, not the midget beside me. It is when my mother speaks to her that she finally fucking wakes herself up and stands from her position and moves to me.
I immediately glance at what she’s wearing - okay, glancing isn’t the right word, maybe I should use gawking or staring? Okay, whatever, moving on - this girl just keeps on surprising me on what she chooses to put her body in and the funny part of it is that when she wears clothes that show off her assets…she doesn’t look big, at all.
Surprising, huh? Yeah, my ass is fucking speechless. The night in the club I had resorted to explaining my actions with the girl by using the conclusion that it was too damn dark in that lame ass club for me to see who it truly was - but now, I had no excuses for what was going through my mind right now. I’ll admit this to myself only but with Sadie standing there - her hair down resting on her shoulders and her tanned legs exposed to the world, I had to say she was decent to the eye.
Shoot me, now, please. That’s why I couldn’t turn my eyes away from her - her legs were so damn toned and defined that I saw no sign of flab from extra fat; yes, her thighs were bigger than most females but I realized then, to my disbelief, that she wasn’t obese - her ass was what my mother called the ‘healthy’ type. A rush of guilt consumed my body then - my weeks of torturing her and violating her respect as woman that she so rightfully deserved were coming back to bite me in my skinny ass - she didn’t deserve my backlash, she didn’t deserve to doubt for one second that she was anything but what she believed herself to be.
I will admit I was wrong, so wrong - not that I’ll ever let her know truly how I feel about that; I just know when I’m wrong about something or someone, I can own up to it.
* * *
I couldn’t sit still - from the moment Trace and Sadie left, I had been in a daze - moving around the house like a fucking zombie, my thoughts lying on Sadie and how truly wrong I had been about her all along. If my mother adored her - that was enough to come to the conclusion that maybe after all, Sadie Kennedy wasn’t so bad - maybe it was just me.
I nodded my head - yeah, I knew it was me all along, I just used her as an excuse. But now, I’m curious as to why I can’t stop wondering what the fuck are those two doing - I’m pretty sure that Sadie hasn’t did much so I know my friend isn’t getting any but still…I feel like its my duty to know. Why? I don’t fucking know why.
My mother entered my room to see me pacing around my floor and she rolled her eyes, dramatically. “What the hell is wrong with your ass?” She steps further into the room and I glance up to her and squint my brows in confusion. “You’ve been moving around this damn house since Trace left like your ass is swollen or something of the other. What’s wrong, baby?”
I fold my arms in front of chest and lean against my dresser, sighing. “Promise to keep your mouth shut if I tell you this.”
My mother loves secrets - she aches to know the daily gossip and more importantly, she loves having me confide in her about things because she feels we have such a close bond that I can come to her concerning anything and everything - which is true. I purse my lips together and ponder on my thoughts because I am unsure of how I feel right now - I’m not jealous or anything (it’ll be a cold day in hell) my dumb ass just is so overwhelmed with guilt that all I can think to do is explain myself to Sadie.
Yes, I apologized to her, but I didn’t mean it, completely. I knew what I’ve done to her had been wrong but I just wanted to appease Trace and make him happy but after the fact - I came to the reasoning that any person deserved to be treated better than how I treated Sadie - I talked to her like she was beneath me, as if I was a better person than she.
How crazy is that?
She moves closer to me and cocks her head to the side, watching me closely, “You don’t even have to worry about it,” Her voice is soft, soothing - “What’s said between you and me is exactly where it will stay - between you and me, honey.”
She’s not bullshitting; if I ask my mother to remain mute about anything or nothing at all - she doesn’t hesitate, she’ll do whatever I ask because that’s the sort of person she is - she’s so full of love and no where near the essence of hatred.
I fucking can’t believe I’m thinking about all of this shit - why the fuck am I being so damn emotional all of sudden? I need to get laid - fuck not having any women around me, I just can’t do that; they’re my most addictive drug and I refuse to side with them for the sake of Trace or anyone for that matter of fact.
“All right, Ma.” I glance to the ground before me and I shuffle my feet, nervously. Why am I so fidgety? I don’t fucking know, okay? “I’m pretty sure you’ve heard ‘bout me and Sadie-”
“That you have been a total complete asshole to her?” She interjects me, quickly - her tone firm and harsh, all of the sudden.
My eyes immediately find hers because I’m taken back by her outburst - her light blue eyes are now threateningly dark which sends me in a panic because she only looks that way when she is about to strike. “Mommy…” I whisper softly, trying my best to convey the most innocent voice I can muster even though it only makes me come across as a teenage boy stuck in his puberty days.
So fucking awesome.
She waves me off, ignoring my pleading voice and placing one hand on her thin hip, “Yes, I’ve heard, Justin.” She shakes her head. “Don’t try that sad lost little boy look with me because I’m not falling for it.” My mother steps closer to me then, her index finger pointing in between my eyeballs and I stare at her perfectly manicured pink nail.
Just don’t hit me, please.
“Do you know how hard it is for me to go around town having everyone talk behind my back about my cocaine addicted son?” I say nothing and she groans inwardly - my heart aches then, something I haven’t been able to feel in such a long time because of the pills and of the dope. I remember why I started doing the shit in the first place - so that I wouldn’t feel any sort of emotion or pain. “But I defended you without a second thought ‘cause you’re my joy, Justin - you’re my joy and I won’t stand for no one disrespecting you in my presence. I just won’t tolerate it.” Her eyes are starting to water now and I want to hold her, calm her fears but I can’t - I haven’t done that shit in a long while and I just don’t know how, to be completely honest. “And then, I hear you’re attacking that young girl for no reason at all, Justin, no reason.” She brings her hand to the back of my head and smacks me, hard.
Damn! That shit hurt! Its like an automatic reflex because instantly my hand reaches the back of my head and I rub my closed wound - she did not have to do that shit. Just fuck! I chew on the inside of my mouth because I know if I say anything, she’ll do something worse…
Why has it been lately that every female I know finds physical abuse the answer when dealing with a guy like me? And people wonder why guys flip out on women the way we do - they fucking deserve the shit.
“Don’t your sorry behind start whining now, either!” I remain silent, continuing to rub my aching head now - I feel a headache coming on but I try not to dwell on it. “The Kennedy family has been nothing but good to your ass and its so degrading to me, your own momma, to see my son who I’ve raised to respect all women do some low shit like that - its just disappoints me so much, Jay.”
Her hands reach out to my face and I immediately jerk back from her touch, she snickers and then places her hands on both of my cheeks, her thumbs rubbing my skin, tenderly. “You’re so much better than what people perceive you to be - don’t prove them right, honey, prove all of their stupid asses wrong.”
I pull back from her touch and sulk silently. I’m not trying to hear any kind of lecture right now, I needed to talk to her about something but yet - she was doing all the damn talking! I snort - figures.
I try to divert the attention away from my shortcomings, “Mom!” My eyes widen, “You will not believe what Maria did to me.”
She chuckles softly, nodding her head, “She messed up your little ’Binky’, huh?” I squint my eyes at her in shock. That’s just so nasty that she knows this.
“How…when…why?” I can’t think straight.
Her hand pats my chest, sympathetically. “You need to learn that I do have a room just down the hall and those nasty girls you bring over here ain’t quiet worth a damn.” She is still laughing. “Binky? Oh honey, that does nothing for the female race but turn us completely off.”
My cheeks begin to turn red and I’m fucking totally embarrassed; of course, she can hear my daily conquests - I’m that talented in the sack, I’m not going to lie about that, at all. But still…what guy wants their mother to know what they call their penis?
I shake my head and glance down at my tiny bulge in my sweats - I won’t be calling you Binky anymore, that’s for sure. “Anyway, I’m going to act like I didn’t hear what you just said - how you know ’bout Maria, Ma?”
She rolls her eyes. “I have my sources.”
Who the fuck says that? She has someone spying on me? Who does that? I blink my eyes repeatedly and lower my voice, “Who are your ’sources’?”
Her hand flips in the air and she shrugs nonchalantly - “A girl never reveals her sources.”
I scoff. “Ma, you are no where near the vicinity of a girl anymore.”
A playful smack across my cheek hits me then and heat flushes my skin almost instantly and I touch my flesh, surprised and bewildered. I swear if she weren’t my mother…she’d be in serious trouble.
“Don’t test me, boy.” A silly grin appears upon her features then. “I’m glad you’re trying to turn things around, Jay - makes me happy.”
I can think of nothing but the sting and the welt that is now starting to form on my flesh - my mouth truly does get me into trouble. Shame on me.
When I don’t say anything, she chooses to keep running her mouth - I ignore mostly of what she has to say until she asks what did I have to tell her earlier; I’m so frustrated with being slapped, and being told off in a minimum of twenty minutes that I don’t want her to know anything more than her ass should.
Hell no, it just doesn’t get that good.
I shrug my shoulders and look to her, my eyes shooting daggers at her small, thin frame. “Just wanted to say I’m sorry for everything I put you through, Ma.”
Her eyes tear up slightly and she blows a kiss my way - it takes everything in me not to catch that motherfucker and throw it back at her ass but instead I smile forcefully and watch as she vacates my room. I exhale a breath of relief.
Thank you.
Suddenly, she steps back into the room and I cough. Shit, I spoke too soon. Damn. “Oh!” She’s moving closer to me again and I fight the urge to roll my goddamn eyes in annoyance. “I know why you treated Sadie so horribly, honey - it just came to me,” she leans in to me and whispers, “its because of Tyler, right?”
I cut my eyes away from her gaze and my breathing increases - I can’t see straight suddenly and my body begins shaking. I can’t deal with this right now. “Excuse me.” I say, quickly, moving past her and exiting to my bathroom while locking its door.
Nothing is running through my mind now but that I need to not be able to think of that girl - I just want to forget Tyler - the thought of her sends me into a frenzy and I refuse to deal with it. I just can’t.
Sweat beads are forming on my forehead now as I open my medicine cabinet and pull out my ’first-aid’ bag - opening the bag, my hands are trembling as I pull out the needle and its ’extra’ accessories. I hold the needle in the palm of my hand, tears clouding my vision now and as I hear my mother banging on the door - she’s worried.
Yeah, I’m worried, too.
Licking my lips I fall to the floor, raising the hem of my shirt over my shoulder and holding my arm out at a certain length, my veins are visible, my heart is pounding in my ears.
“Its you and me, always, Justin.”
I tie the band in a knot tightly around my left bicep and try my damnedest to hold the needle straight against my veins; I breathe in deeply as my mother’s shouting increases, terrified.
“J, someday, I truly believe you’ll be my everything…I just pray I can be the same for you.”
A soft whimper escapes my lips as I inject the poison into my body; this feeling instantly sends a shockwave of sensation to my body, my soul - shit, how I missed you so.
“Kissing you is the greatest sin but the most guiltiest pleasure.”
“Justin Randall!” My mother’s cries are softening now. She knows what I have succumbed myself to - “Honey, I’m sorry I brought it up - I’m so damn sorry! Just open up and let me in, please!”
I shake my head and lean my body against the base of my tub, the needle slips from my fingers and I close my eyes; it is then that I can’t fight it anymore…the tears start flowing like crazy and all I can see is those haunting gray eyes - killing me so long ago and killing me still.
“Loving someone shouldn’t be this hard - loving you shouldn’t be this fucking hard but it is - so what am I supposed to do? Wait on you to get your shit together? I can’t - I’m just not that type of person.”
The tears won’t stop and I’m frustrated that I can’t stop seeing her face - I can’t stop feeling the pain. Why won’t it just go the fuck away? I kick whatever is closest to me, hearing something shatter loudly doesn’t cause me to open my eyes - I don’t give a shit.
Its supposed to work, it always works - please work, just make it go away.
“I love you, Justin - I’ll always love you but I rather spend the rest of my days without you then be the dumb bitch that let you fuck me over - time and time again. You don’t deserve to have someone love you, Justin, what you need is pain and heartbreak and believe me - you’ll get yours one day soon.”
This pain was ripping into my heart into shreds - all I could feel, all I could sense was ache - this ache in my heart, my mind and my soul - bitches do this to a man any chance that they get. Damn Tyler! Damn her for turning me into this worthless piece of shit that does nothing but depend on sex and drugs to ease my devastation.
But now, even the shit that healed me the most wasn’t even working now. “Oh, God,” I’m crying out so loudly that I don’t recognize my own voice.
What my mother said is so damn true that its horrifying - the truth to all of this is that from the moment I laid eyes on Sadie Kennedy, I didn’t see notice her wide hips or her curvaceous body - all I noticed or even blankly tried to remember is Tyler Jackson’s face - those ghostly pale, odd features that normally wouldn’t capture any guys attention but had ironically, stolen my heart.
Sadie had scared me shitless into thinking that I could so easily hit rock bottom like I had done five years ago when Tyler Jackson walked out of my life. Funny shit, huh? Sadie is terrified of me but in reality, I’m fearful of anything that is related to the girl.
Be fucking surprised all you want - no one will ever know this, though - not even my own mother.
I can’t cry now; how is it that she’s gone out of my life forever but I can’t seem to cry or show any sort of emotion whatsoever? This isn’t the normal getting-over-a-breakup routine, is it?
Besides Trace, she had been my only friend; singing is my passion, my dream, my life and what greater gift than to share what you love with someone you love. I don’t know how it exactly fell apart - no, I take that back, I do - I just haven’t come to accept that as her reasoning for leaving me.
If love is suppose to conquer all - why am I without the one person who matters most to me in this God forsaken world? Please answer me that.
“Justin,” I glance up to find my mother’s sad eyes staring back into what I can only predict is the most pathetic sight she’s ever witnessed. “How’re you holding up?”
I’m unemotional, unattainable, irrigational, unforgivable, self-deprecating, cocky as hell, and apparently incapable of loving the opposite sex or at least that’s what Tyler believes - but other than that, I’m holding up fine, just fine.
I shrug my shoulders. “Don’t know really.” I run my fingers through my thick curls - she always liked having my hair longer than what I usually went for - she said it brought out the innocence in me.
Yeah, okay.
My mom doesn’t speak so I relent, “You think the pain will go away?”
She sighs, and I know she’s probably in the worst shape, ever; her heart is breaking right along with mine - my girl had been my mother’s daughter from another woman - they were inseparable.
I felt sorry for my Mom, just a tad.
Shaking her head, she joins me on my bed, her arm encircles around my thin waist and she pulls me closer to her warm, small body. “Honestly, it never will.” I close my eyes, somehow not expecting her to say that. “When we get our hearts broken, we tend to heal it the best way we can but the pain never goes away - we try to cover it the best way we know how, but it never fades.” She rests her head on my shoulder, “it’s the pain of never knowing what could’ve been that kills us.”
For some reason, my tear-duster decides to kick in because now my vision is blurry and the tears are falling like raindrops down my cheeks and I whimper softly, my arms embrace my mother and whine softly into the base of her neck, my tears tasting of saltwater. “Oh, momma, please make it go away, make it stop hurting so bad.”
I know she’s crying now, too. Her grip on me becomes tighter and she rocks our bodies from side to side, her curly blonde hair is covering my eyes and I inhale her strawberry aroma - my mother always smelt of various fruits - why I am thinking about this right now is beyond me.
“Hush, darling,” she says softly, “there’ll be a day when something takes the pain away that you can’t let go of - that you refuse to let go of…trust me, that day will come.”
I wipe the tears from my eyes - so, tell me now, mother, what am I to do when what heals me the most no longer sustains its power? Tell me. I groan inwardly, “What can be done?” I shake my head, sadly because even I know what the answer holds - nothing at all.
* * *
Author's Notes:
I'm so sorry everybody! With graduation coming up in a week and a half and my ongoing boyfriend issues - I just had no inspiration whatsoever. I think this chapter sucks, like really sucks - I did it in a rush. And wow, thank you so much for your love for the last chapter - if you like this one (I don't think yall will) let me know! LOVE YA! :)
Chapter Eight
"If I ever saw an angel, it was in your eyes."
Source: Unknown
In the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark, cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
“Angel” - Sarah McLachlan
“Dee Dee, come here, please.” The call of my eldest sibling causes my body to jerk slightly - the past day and a half I have secluded myself to my secret stash of snacks because in my time of need, food is my only comfort.
The reality of knowing that Jade is actually leaving our tight nest is a blessing for me because I know how much it means to her, to be able to get away from our mother - to live her own life, on her own terms; but it is also heart wrenching - Jade has set such a high example for what I want to do with my life - and now, that she’s really leaving, all I want is for her to take me with her.
Selfish, I know - but truthfully, if she leaves…the possibility of me getting out of this God forsaken household is slim to none.
But I will never tell her this, I will never ask her to stay - it just isn’t me.
I push myself up from my bed and make my way across the hall to her bedroom; when I enter, I am immediately solemn at the image before me - Jade’s room is now completely bare - the posters of James Dean and Paul Newman are gone (she’s always had a fascination with old Hollywood actors) and all that is left is brown boxes full of her belongings.
My heart aches suddenly and I sigh - as she notices me, her face brightens and her light brown eyes glitter with happiness, this lets me know that she is truly happy to see me. Why? I don’t know.
Her petite frame moves a small box before her and seems consumed with the process of searching for something in another box - I don’t say anything; when it seems that she has found what she has been searching for, she motions for me to close her door and I do.
Her thick strawberry blonde hair is pulled into a high ponytail with just a few loose strands falling over her features which for some odd reason irked me. I know she purposely didn’t mean for her hair to look like that but its just the point that even when she doesn’t want things a certain - she still looks like a model in the process. Jealous, much?
Yeah, maybe so.
Jade steps closer to me, the scent of her strong perfume fills my nostrils and I fight the urge to sneeze. “This is for you,” she opens the palms of her hands and there lies a small, white picture album.
I squint my eyes at her in confusion - we are not allowed to have family pictures hanging in our house and our photo albums are have been hid by our mother - I never quite got why my mother is so against pictures of her family, but I never question her. But still, it would be nice to see the memories from my past so now, as she holds this out to me, I’m frightened of what our mother will do.
“Take it, Dee Dee.” She pushes it further onto me and I step back, cautiously, terrified.
I shake my head. “I d-don’t want that, Jade.”
Her eyes has now lost its happiness, slightly and she cocks her head to the side. I wish Zora was here beside me - she could handle this situation so much better than I can. “I know you’re worried about Mother, but don’t worry about her, Dee Dee.” She places the album on top of a box and moves to the side of her room and bends down; her hands roam over the white carpet briefly, before she slowly pulls up a piece of the fabric, revealing a small hole filled with a Spongebob lunchbox.
I step closer to peer inside and I snort. “I guess Mom doesn’t know about that.”
Jade’s eyes find mine and she giggles, softly. “Of course, she don’t know about this, Sadie - can you just imagine her complaining?” She pulls the fabric back over the hole and stands from her kneeling position, grabbing the album from the box, she holds it out for me to take it. “That’s why I just showed you that, Dee Dee - all my life, I’ve hidden the true things that are sacred to me away from her reach ‘cause she just doesn’t understand the concept of someone truly being happy without her input.”
I slowly take the book from her hands and I’m afraid to open it and see what’s before me - I’m afraid Jade will see my emotions too easily if I look through this gift that she has given me; no one can see me be weak…not even my own mother - I won’t let it happen.
I chew on my bottom lip and find myself staring at my bulging belly spilling over my white pajama bottoms - if my mother knew I had snuck that extra Snickers bar into my room after she refused to let me have any candy (but she had let my other sisters indulge in the sweetness of chocolate), lets just say I wouldn’t be standing here right now.
“Why did you give this to me?” I’m curious.
My sister’s hands fall to my shoulders and she shakes me softly, causing me to find her eyes once again - she’s half-smiling. “Our mother has always been strict, but since the day you were born - she has made it her top priority to make your life a living hell.” She pinches my nose quickly and I snicker softly. “I know what she puts you through, Sadie and here’s my advice to you - love yourself.”
I roll my eyes. “Okay, I do.”
She shakes her head, disbelieving. “No, you don’t - you’re trying to be the person Mabel wants you to be and in the process you have forgotten to just be a kid, babe.” Jade’s eyes suddenly become watery and I’m confused as to why. “So love you and if Mom can’t accept you for who you are - then fuck her, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart - fuck her, Sadie.”
Tears were now flowing from her eyes and I can feel my body slowly, but surely, become hot - what am I to do why she stands before me, crying? I can’t do anything but stare in disbelief because I know she means every word she says and even though it sounds so easy - I cannot do what she wishes of me. I have to live with this woman, permanently for the next seven years - to do what I want and not try to make to her happy would be a slap in the face.
And of course, I just don’t have the courage to do this.
But, I will never tell Jade this. “You still d-didn’t answer my question, Jade.”
Jade snorts and wipes her eyes. “Okay, honey, I was getting there.” I widen my eyes because I didn’t mean to sound rude and when I see she is grinning - I know its all right. “I wanted you to know you can hide whatever is meaningful to you somewhere that has saved me, literally.” She sighs, loudly. “And this present to you is just memories, Dee Dee - Mother never lets us remember…but I do, I always do - and I want you to remember, too.”
Why am I thinking about my sister, Jade, on my very first date instead of concentrating on Trace? The answer is simple - I am trying so hard not to focus on Trace because every time that I think of him or this date…it brings me back to Justin - and that’s just a place where I don’t want to go, yet.
Now, Trace and I sit in front of his television set watching some movie, which I think is called The Wedding Singer - I’ve never heard of or even seen this movie before, but apparently it had been a hit when it first released some years back (Trace relayed this information to me) but I’m loving every minute of it because of Drew Barrymore.
I thought dating entailed going out to the show (okay, I know I’m an old lady at heart for still calling the movies this) or dining out at a restaurant but Trace had completely taken me aback - he had driven me back to his house for a nice, movie night completed by his cooking of Spaghetti and salad.
Who am I to judge the dating game when I’ve never been a part of it?
I’ve never been over another man’s house - so, this in itself, is a big deal, well it was a big deal, at first - but that’s the thing about Trace…he never proposes himself as a threat. I feel so completely relaxed in his presence that now as we sit on the couch and he wrapped his arm around my shoulders, drawing me closer to his body - I didn’t squirm with fear.
You shocked? I’m astounded. But maybe I’ve been so content with Trace is because in the course of three hours - the potential of him and I being something, anything had been so high, so ridiculously high but now…all I can think of is his best friend, Justin. All I can see is those clear, blue eyes piercing a hole into me forcing me to face something I don’t know if I’m supposed to or if I am just hallucinating things.
Whatever the case may be, I can never confront these thoughts racing through my mind - I can never admit to the fact that I might actually be attracted to the town junkie who has caused me so much grief. How is that even possible? How can the first person I’ve ever had any remotely feelings for turn out to be the one person who has purposefully tried to destruct me?
What kind of torture is this from God? Why is he choosing to do this to me? Is this my punishment for not being what my mother wanted me to be?
I sigh, softly, my eyes drifting away from the television screen and falling to my hands that are resting in my lap - Trace is a sweetheart and I truly believe that he wants nothing more than to see me happy and honestly, isn’t that what a woman wants from a man? Or do I have it all wrong?
The only thing I want right now is to talk to Zora - she is my best friend, my confidant and the only person who will be completely honest with me and will know what is best for me and my aching, lonely soul. I’m a little overdramatic, this I do know but I-
“Sadie?” Trace’s voice enters my thoughts and I immediately raise my eyes to find his questioning gaze. He’s probably wondering why I’m not as into this movie as he would hoped…if only he knew. “Is everything all right? This movie boring you?” He tightens his grip on my shoulder and my heartbeat quickens, suddenly.
A smile reaches my lips before I can think and a rush of heat reaches my cheeks - this newfound interest in me is still catching me off guard. “I’m sorry, I’m fine.” I bite down on my lower lip, “The movie is great, Trace, I’m just surprised you picked this-”
He cuts me off, smiling. “Cause it’s a chick flick?”
I shake my head, my eyes brightening with mischief but the smile never falls from my features, if anything, it widens. “No, no, of course not.” The sarcasm drips from my response and I am eternally shocked that this man can bring out a side of Sadie Kennedy that I never knew existed.
He rolls his eyes, playfully. “Uh huh, whatever.” He snickers. “I happen to be a really big Adam Sandler fan, mind you.”
I nod my head, quickly, agreeing with him. “Obviously, you are-” I look to his DVD collection that is sprawled out on the floor beneath us. “That is why the only other movies I see by Adam Sandler is 50 First Dates, which mind you, is another flick with Drew Barrymore.” I giggle. “I think you’re just a fan of this little duo.”
Blush hits his cheeks like a shockwave and I can’t help but feel at ease as he draws me closer to him, my chest is brushing against his ribs and my face is mere inches from his own but I don’t loosen our embrace…I trust him. His free hand finds my cheek and his thumb softly grazes over my flesh - I am unaffected by this - why? I do not know.
His tone is suddenly low, husky. “Promise to keep it a secret?”
I smirk. “Yeah, I guess I can.” He chooses not to respond.
His eyes has now found my lips and still I am not unaffected - here I am with this great guy and he’s wanting to be the first person to ever kiss me and my very emotional, irrational self cannot even show any ounce of feeling - it as if, I don’t care.
I really, truly do not care - well, I do care about one thing; his head is dipping down now, his eyes are closing and I sit still, not moving an inch - I’ve dreamt of what this moment would be like and sometimes, I try to imagine myself of who it would be with.
My sisters view their sex partners as the ultimate, big decision that they have to make but I’m so much different from their world, so much more different - I have been so sure I will never be kissed that now, as the moment is about to happen - I don’t want it to.
This isn’t what I wanted - and I want to smack myself in the face for being so picky because who am I to be a judge of anything when I’ve never had anyone to kiss before? But what do I want? What am I dreading?
A harsh breath of air escapes me as his phone sounds off almost suddenly, I jerk back from our embrace, thankful to have an excuse to not engage in what I believe will only be a mistake and a regret; his eyes find mine and he mouths his apologies before jumping up from the couch and heading to what I assume is his bedroom to answer the phone.
My head falls into my hands and I groan in frustration - what is wrong with me? Raising my head, I pull out my cell phone from my back pocket, deciding I can no longer wait any longer; I have to talk to my sister - I do something I know she absolutely loves - I text her.
Send To: Z-Baby
Zora, I’m in SO much trouble! I need 2 talk 2 U! A.S.A.P.
I close my phone and wait, impatiently, for Trace to return the room and when he doesn’t after a few minutes have passed - my phone vibrates, letting me know I’ve received a message. I smile suddenly, I can always depend on her to get back to me when I need her. That’s a given.
From: Z-Baby
What’s the deal? Do I gotta come over there and beat that boy ass 4 U? What did he do?
A soft laugh escapes my throat because I know she is on guard and in her protective, older sibling role which she always assumes when she feels someone is trying to take advantage of me. I begin to type something in return but before I can - she calls me.
I should’ve expected this.
I look behind me to see if Trace is returning before I answer the phone, “Yes?” I answer sweetly.
Her breathing is loud over the receiver and she snorts, “Um, took you too long to respond - so what the fuck he do?”
I shake my head as if she can see me. “Nothing.” I sigh. “Its me - I feel so bad, Zora - he’s so great, but this whole time, I’ve been thinking of someone else.”
Zora whistles, happy. “My baby sister’s becoming a two-timing whore?” I frown. “I’m so proud of you!”
I roll my eyes. “No, I’m not and don’t call me that.” I lower my voice, “I’m serious, Z.”
She is silent for oh, about five seconds before she dives in for the kill. “I don’t like the guessing game. So, who is it?”
My sisters have defended me against him, one of my sisters even dated him and yet, that still isn’t enough incentive to stop my crazy mind from thinking about him. I can only fear what Zora will say - I know she will be livid.
“Promise to not flip out.” I whisper while looking behind me, searching for Trace with no avail. Okay, good - that buys me more time.
Zora is groaning now. “Damn, okay! Out with it already!”
Just get it over with. “Its Justin Timberlake.” I speak, rushed.
This time around, her silence is long and I worry that she has hung up the phone but she wouldn’t do that - she never hangs up on me, never.
Zora speaks now, her voice is very low. “For the first time in God knows how long - I’m fucking speechless, Dee Dee. All I can think is that you must be losing your mind like, really losing it.” She breathes heavily and my heart pounds in my ears. “Enjoy this tonight ’cause its your first - we’ll talk about it when you get home, okay?”
She doesn’t wait for me to respond as I hear a dial tone and I wonder what is going through her mind - she was surprisingly calm and collected. I shake my head - that isn’t Zora, at all.
I can’t process our conversation because suddenly, Trace bolts into the living room, car keys in hand and he looks mighty upset. I almost immediately stand from the couch - “What’s wrong?”
It is then that he remembers I’m in the room because he stops mid-way to the front door and sighs. He looks distressed and sad. I want to comfort him and place a smile upon his face like he has done for me so many times these past couple of weeks but I don’t know how.
“I’m so sorry, Sadie but I have to cut this night short - something’s going on with Justin, something serious.” His eyes are red and I can tell he’s been crying.
The mentioning of Justin has my full attention and I step forward, worried. “What happened?”
He cuts his eyes and it seems as if he is hesitant to tell me. “H-He’s locked himself in his bathroom and Lynn thinks he’s trying to overdose.” Tears are now falling from his eyes and without thinking, I move to him and do what I think he would do for me - I hold my arms out for him and he steps into my embrace, quickly.
His hands grip onto my hair tightly and he buries his face into the crook of my neck, sobbing and I envelope his crumbling figure into my body, my heart is pounding and I am unsure if I am doing the right thing but at this moment, I know that this is what he truly needs. So, I’ll give what I can and I’ll do what I can because I know Trace deserves that - he’s earned that.
I feel his tears spill onto my flesh and my vision becomes cloudy with tears of my own, unbeknownst to him and I’m questioning myself as to why - it hits me then - Trace truly does love Justin and this is killing him; it is destroying him to see his best friend try to take the easy way out. It kills him because whatever he does - he can’t stop it.
He needs more than Justin - he needs someone to be in his corner, too - someone to fight for him, too. Silent tears escape my eyelids and I breathe in deeply.
I will be that someone for Trace, I will.
“I’m coming with you.” I say now.
Surprisingly, he doesn’t disagree and a deep part of me wished he had - what have I gotten myself into?
* * *
The first thing I notice is Lynn’s distraught face - she looks so much older when she is in distress; she holds onto me almost immediately and as I hear the pounding of her own heart entwined with my own, I hold her tighter.
Trace escapes to Justin’s bedroom and Lynn and I stand in the living room, holding onto one another for dear life. I’m surprised she’s not in tears but then why would she be? She’s so used to this sort of thing happening that the tears probably has just stopped coming - its like she expects this to happen.
I probably am reading too much into her emotions. Yeah, that’s it. She pulls back from our embrace and a forced smile graces her features now. “Its my fault.”
The immediate action of me shaking my head comes in to effect. “Lynn, no it isn’t - you shouldn’t blame yourself.”
Her trembling hands find my own and she squeezes mine with soft pressure, her blue eyes are so dark with sadness that my body aches. “Honey, I am to blame.” She shrugs her shoulders, helplessly, “My mouth has always gotten me into trouble - that’s one thing Justin has to show for since being my child…his damn mouth.”
I don’t know what to say. What can I say? “My son smiled today.” Her gaze falls to the floor, “He smiled, Sadie - it felt so good to see him that way…God could’ve ended my life right then and I would have been complete.” She runs her fingers over her face, “My life would’ve been complete.”
She drops our entwined hands and heads to what I’m guessing is her own room - so what do I do now? I worry about Trace and Justin but I don’t know if it is right of me to enter that room - to see things I’ve never been exposed to.
To really know what pain can do to one’s soul if given enough ammunition.
My lips are quivering as my feet begin moving towards Justin’s room and as I enter it, I exhale a deep breath of anxiety. The first person I am met with is Trace standing next to the doorframe of the bathroom and I want to smile because he has gotten Justin to open the door - but when I notice the expression upon my new friend’s face, my heart crashes.
He looks completely broken.
I dare myself to step further into the room so that I can be closer to Trace - when I reach the bathroom door - the smell of urine fills my nostrils and I snort, softly.
Its so strong that I wonder how Trace can just stand there, silently, without wanting to vomit or run away - I want to run away, but my determined, friendly self stays beside the man who needs me. I bring my quivering hand out to touch Trace and he jumps - his brown eyes find mine and he shakes his head, disbelieving.
“I-I c-can’t d-do this.” He struggles out while stepping back from the doorframe and I raise my eyebrows in question. “I-It h-hurts t-too damn m-much.” He’s crying now and I don’t know if I should follow him as he falls onto Justin’s bed and sobs quietly into his pillows.
I have to deal with him later as my eyes find the man before me, I hold my breath at the sight in front of me. Justin is laying down on the bathroom floor, his clothes drenched with his urine, his eyes open but are dazed off somewhere else, saliva is falling from his lips and he has the tremors.
I’ve never in my life been exposed to something or someone like this; in that moment, I want to thank my mother for protecting me so much that I could’ve never been around anyone like this man until now - it pains me that this man can be so selfish and only think of himself but not of the people that truly do love him.
I notice the needle on the floor beside him and I glance behind me - why isn’t Trace trying to help? Has he had enough? Whatever the case may be, in front of me right now is a man who is clearly out of his natural state of mind and I know I’ll regret this and I’ll never forget how on my first date, ever, I helped a junkie but I can’t leave him here - I won’t.
Stepping into the bathroom - I glance around until I see the pantry, moving around Justin, I open it and grab three big towels and one face towel; closing the pantry, I place the big towels onto the countertop and run warm water over the face towel, trying to not notice my hands trembling with fear while doing so.
Wringing out the excess water, I hover over this lifeless figure and kneel before him - he still seems not to notice me. I wonder what am I suppose to do? Instincts kick in quickly and begin to wipe the saliva from his mouth, I wipe the sweat beads forming on his neck and I wipe the dry tears so evident on his pale cheeks - my heart is pounding in my ears, I’ve never been close to this man before, not like this - so intimate, so personal and yet, so raw.
I try not to think of him as the man who has degraded me for the past month instead I try to view him as a man who everyone has given up believing in, a man who just right now needs help ‘cause he isn’t going to be able to do this on his own.
Trace’s cries have become soft snores and I roll my eyes. Some first date this has been - he has left me alone with his best friend, just great. I place the towel on the base of the tub and nervously I pull his shirt up so that his stomach is revealed - I am too consumed with his skeletal body to even notice his eyes finally reach me, acknowledging my presence.
Find Me Here
Speak To Me
God, he really needs to stop the drugs while he’s behind - he’s going to be nothing but a corpse sooner than later; when I reach for the towel again, I jerk at the sight of him, looking at me. Does he want me to stop? He does nothing but stare in a trance and I take this as a sign to continue - I stand from my kneeling position and wash off the saliva in the sink before returning back to his side and rubbing the warm towel across his pale, wrinkled flesh. I frown.
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
“S-Sadie?” His hoarse voice brings me back to his gaze and I cock my head to the side - when he notices the wetness in the depth of his sweats, a heat of embarrassement rushes to his cheeks but I don’t care that he’s humiliated; tears form in his eyes and he breathes deeply. “W-What a-are you doing?”
I pull his shirt back over his stomach and I take his left arm into my hands, my eyes roam over to the darkened spots in his arm - I’m guessing this is the arm that he shoots up with. I chew on my bottom lip and I still feel his eyes on me as I bring the towel on his arm, silently hoping to rub this disease of a drug away from his skin.
“I’m trying to help you.”
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again
He coughs and his eyes roll upwards. “B-But why?”
I shrug my shoulders - even I am questioning myself as to why I’m doing this; no truly sane person would do this for someone else, at least not for someone like Justin. But here I am.
You are the strength, that keeps me walking
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting
“No one deserves to be alone in their darkest hour…not even you, Justin.” I say, softly, dropping his arm gently back to his side, moving over, I turn on the shower knob to the tub and turn the water to warm. I stand from the floor and grab a hold of his hands, helping him to stand and surprisingly, he lets me.
He is much stronger than I and as I pull him up, his body almost topples over me but he catches himself. I sigh. “I don’t think you need help with the clothes part, but if you do, I got to get your mother to help you on that one.”
Justin shakes his head, slowly. “I got it.”
I place the towel onto the counter and fold my arms in front of my chest. “Well, take as long as you want in the shower - clear your head and try to come out more alert, all right?”
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
He stares at me blankly and his eyes roam over my face, studying me. I blink. “What is it?”
Justin snaps himself out of his trance and shrugs his shoulders. “Its as if I’m seeing you for the first time.”
I nod my head like I understand him but really I don’t - I’m not understanding where my confidence has kicked in all of the sudden in the past thirty minutes but I like it, I like it a lot.
You calm the storms, and you give me rest
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall
Justin still hasn’t made any movement so I guess he is waiting on me to leave the bathroom - I jump at this chance as I maneuver around him, his hand reaches out and grabs a hold of mine, pulling me back - I almost bump into his chest but my feet stop me.
His hands rest on my biceps and I cut my eyes away from his gaze, not wanting to him to be able to see the sparkle in my eyes - not wanting him to know that this action of his has made my night, my week, my month, probably.
I’m pathetic, I know.
Tears fall from his eyelids and onto my face (yes, we are that close) and my heart reaches out to him because I know it is hard for him to be so open, so raw in front of someone he barely knows, someone he can’t stand to be around. “Sadie,” He breathes out deeply, his voice becoming softer, “I felt so alone, s-so very alone and…you were here.” He cries softly but I don’t move to comfort him. “You stayed when t-they left - damn, this is harder than I-I thought it would be.”
I raise my eyebrows. “Just say it.”
He scoffs. “Will you wait ‘till I get out of the shower?” His lips were trembling with fear - he was just as scared as me - shocking. “Will you wait for me, Sadie?”
I smirk. I can only think of what am I doing? What am I getting myself into? Why can’t I just walk away now and return to Trace’s needy arms? Why can’t I abandon this creature before me? I wish he would forget my generosity. I wish he would forget me.
Before I can think, I’m responding…with a smile. “I’ll wait.”
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?
I guess my heart and my mind are not on the same page right now - great.
* * *
Song credit:
"Everything" by Lifehouse
"I'm Beginning To See The Light" by CutiePie07
Author's Notes:
Sorry it took so long! And damn! I'm so glad the last chapter touched you all so much - those reviews made my week, really. I'm so tired right now, all I'm seeing is big yellow dots. lol. So, maybe I'll have something up before my graduation this weekend (I pray) but if not, just know I'm working on it as much as I can. Thank you and I love you yall so much! :)
Chapter Nine
"Never think that you are not good enough for anyone; always ask yourself if they are good enough for you."
Source: Unknown
I never cared much for moonlit skies
I never wink back at fireflies
But now that the stars are in your eyes
I'm beginning to see the light
“I’m Beginning to See the Light” - Ella Fitzgerald
“That’s some wild shit.” Zora’s voice rings through my ears as I stand in her room with my hands on my hips and my eyes weary with sleepiness and dried tears - I’ve been relaying the night’s events to her for the past hour and a half and surprisingly enough, this has been her first statement since I’ve gotten home.
She stares back at me, eyes wide and I don’t try to read the expression on her face right now because at this moment, I have bigger things to deal with than Zora’s disapproval. I’m truly worried about Justin. Words cannot express or even describe how elated I had been when he had asked me to stay - Justin wanted me to stay and wait for him.
This is so surreal to me - even now, as Zora is running off at the mouth, I can’t hear her, I’m not trying to listen to her because all I can think of Justin and I’m wondering is he sleep…is he awake…is he thinking of me. I shake my head. It probably hit him as soon as I left what a mistake it was to even associate with me - things probably will get back to its regular routine by tomorrow. Justin will be back to his harsh ways and I’ll regret every second of the day that I actually offered my help to this town junkie.
But if I had to do it all over again, I’d do it in a heartbeat. If I were in the same predicament as Justin is - I know I will need someone in my corner, someone who believes in me, someone who doesn’t give up on me, someone I can depend on. Through my eyes, I saw that everyone Justin held close to his heart were slowly losing faith in him or at least, they had already given up on him and in my heart, I couldn’t allow him to feel, even at his lowest, that he didn’t have no one.
I was there for Trace, but when I saw this man - this sad, destructed man, it came to me that I really was there for him. I was there to help Justin - to be in his corner.
I’m surprised I got through that whole ordeal in one piece - I’ve never been that confident before, I’ve never been that sure of myself; I guess its true what people say - when you’re in a crisis, sometimes it brings out the best in people. Maybe I need to have pressure placed upon my shoulders more often if it is going to make me stronger as a person, as a woman?
I have regrets of just leaving him there - a part of me wanted to hold him, console him, have him fall asleep in my arms like they do in the movies but I came back to reality then - nothing like that is real, nothing like that is promised to me. At least not from Justin.
The entire time he had been in the shower, I stood outside of the bathroom door, staring at the sleeping form of Trace; thoughts of what could’ve been between us ran through my mind - I knew then, I could never be with Trace, I could never honestly be faithful in his eyes when all I wanted and all I cared about was the well-being of his best friend. I don’t know much about relationships but I know that wasn’t going to be fair to Trace - to make him think that we really had a shot of making something work when in truth, all we really will be doing is living a lie.
Don’t question me why all of the sudden these feelings for Justin have arisen - I’m unsure myself; all I do know is that something has to be real about these feelings of mine if just the thought of him sends me into a worried state of mind.
My fear is how can I tell Trace that I feel more for his best friend than I do for him? I don’t want to hurt him but I also don’t want to live a lie. I truly do believe that if I end the possibility of a romantic relationship between Trace and me while I’m ahead then I can avoid voicing my devotion to Justin. I nod my head - yeah, that’s what I’ll do. I don’t what Justin to ever find out that I’m starting to have these unlikely feelings for him because I want to save myself the embarrassment of not only being rejected by him but also the embarrassment of him degrading me to his friends.
I refuse to give him a reason to hurt me anymore than he already has - its just not going to happen if I have anything to say about it.
Lynn had given me the ride home after seeing that Trace was too enraptured with his sleep - the whole ride felt like a never-ending, uncomfortable silence between us. I remained mute and she seemed somewhat in a daze - I don’t remember even saying my goodbyes to her…I was so consumed with just getting inside of my house without having to talk about her son with her; I didn’t want to discuss Justin at all with Lynn because I felt my mind wanted to say something but my heart seemed to be on a whole different page. I just didn’t want her to know that there is a slightest chance I might be falling for her son…I didn’t want her to know that I’m falling for her cocaine addicted son.
I didn’t want anyone to know this - its too unreal, too incomprehensible, but the reason I let Zora in my horrid crush is only because I know she won’t say a word to another soul if I ask her not to. She’s my best friend and I tell her everything, even if everything isn’t much at all…I still tell her.
I start my new job in less than a month and if anyone knew I was associating with the town junkie, I might as well send in my resignation letter before I even begin; teaching is my dream, it’s the one thing I know I can overcome because children mean so much to me - I never thought of the possibility of having to give this up because I know Justin Timberlake, but now, I see how crucial it is to leave him alone.
Mothers worry about who they send their children off to for eight hours a day, five days a week - this is common; there will be an uproar if anyone found out that I seemed to be in some sort of crazy ‘dance’ with Justin Timberlake, everyone knew him, everyone knew about him, and those mothers just wouldn’t be able to trust me in their children’s care if I spent my days with him.
I sigh, loudly. This only adds to my long list of reasons of why I cannot like Justin, but yet, I still do. I wanted to help him, and I did - even now, I still worry about him but this feeling will pass, it has to. My profession is so much more important than some stupid, high school crush.
Yes, I think its stupid - its just so incredibly ridiculous that I have feelings for such a…loser. Forgive me for thinking this, I take it back - I’m just trying to find any lame excuse for me not being involved with this man. He is affecting me way too much than I want him to.
“You’re more like Maria than I ever thought you’d be,” My sister is still talking and so now, I tune in and try to act as if I’ve been listening to her this entire time. “You two have the worst taste in men, ever.”
I frown. “How can you say that when I’ve never even liked anyone before now?”
She rolls her eyes, dramatically. “I know that, Sherlock. I was talking ‘bout you two having a thing for Justin.” She’s lying on her stomach, in her bed, with her chin resting on the palm of her hand, staring at me, curiously. “What is it about him?”
I step further into the room and sit on the edge of her bed, crossing my legs and folding my arms in front of my chest. “I…don’t know,” I speak, truthfully, my mind racing with thoughts.
Zora mutters something incoherent and then smirks. “I kind of understood why Maria was with him - he was a different person then, but Sadie…he treats you like complete trash.” Her soft features turns hard, suddenly. “What’re you thinking? I would’ve killed him for what he said to you that day in the store and now…you like him?”
I cut my eyes away from hers and chew on my bottom lip. I knew she’d be upset with me but I’m more surprised that she seems more hurt than anything else. Why is she hurt? What did I do wrong?
“I don’t u-understand it myself, Zora.” My voice comes out extremely soft and I bring my focus to my hands in my lap. I’m trembling because I don’t want my only friend to be upset with me. “Its just today - I saw a different side of him.”
She scoffs. “Yeah, you saw the drug addict side.”
I look to her and see that her brown eyes are dark and menacing - I shiver underneath her gaze, I wish she’d stop looking at me like that. “Zora, listen to me, please.” Her expression doesn’t change. “I know he’s a cruel man, but tonight, I see that he’s just as alone in this world as me. I d-don’t wish anything bad on anyone, Z, not even someone who doesn’t like me.”
She sits up and pulls a loose strand of her blonde hair behind her right ear. “You’re not alone, Sadie. You may not have our parents but you have your sisters and you have Kyle - you are not alone, all right?” I nod my head slowly. “Now, Justin, on the other hand, is alone…but he chose that path, he alienated himself from the people who love him the most. I don’t feel sorry for him, Dee Dee, and you shouldn’t, either.”
I blink rapidly, licking my lips while doing so. “That’s the thing - I don’t feel sorry for him, Z…I just wanted to help him. I saw in his eyes that he wants to change - something happened to him to make him that way and maybe, he’ll never speak to me again after tonight but if he remembers that at his absolute lowest someone was there for him...” A smile forms across my features, “I think he might actually begin to believe in himself.”
Zora looks emotionless before she holds her hand out for me to take and when I do, she squeezes, hard. “I understand that, sis, but what happens when he goes back to attacking you? You’re gonna be sitting around smiling then?”
I knew she threw that last comment in there to try to wipe the smile off of my face but it didn’t work, if anything, my smile grew. “I really don’t think that’s going to happen anymore, Zora.”
She lets go of my hand and stands from her bed. “Whatever, you’re in denial.” She places her hand on her left hip and narrows her gaze down on me. “These feelings are new for you, Dee Dee, and that’s why they should be felt about someone who is worth it and Justin is not.” Her features soften, slightly. “You think you can hide how you feel about him? You can’t, Dee Dee. Its written all over your face.”
I touch my cheeks, worried. “What is?”
Zora rolls her eyes and smiles, pitying me. “You’re falling for him.” My hands drop from my face and blush reaches my features before I can think. “And that’s why I’m so scared because I just don’t want see you get hurt, but you will, Sadie.” Her smiles falls and I raise my brows in question. “You will be hurt by him and when you do - I won’t be able to protect you from the pain and trust me, you will wish you had avoided Justin when you had the chance because the pain is something I’m afraid you’re not strong for.”
I roll my eyes. “Its just a crush, Zora.”
She shakes her head slowly, not believing me. “Thirteen year-olds have crushes, Sadie.” She snorts. “You’re twenty-two and this is the first person you’ve felt anything for - you think it’s a crush?” Her laughter erupts and I jerk back slightly, surprised. “You’re so fucking naïve, Dee Dee.”
I fold my arms back in front of my chest. “Then tell me what it is that I need to know.”
Zora seems to have dismissed me now - she heads into her closet looking for something of the other and my heart pounds. I find it extremely rude that she just decides to end the conversation when I’m completely and utterly lost on what she is talking about. How am I naïve?
It is just a crush - my age has nothing to do with this.
I stand from her bed and sigh, loudly. Its sad to know that the one person who matters to me the most is disappointed in me - it really hurts me down deep. I wipe my nose and decide that maybe, I really do just need to try to make things work with Trace. It will make my sisters happy and I know that he will try everything in his power to make me happy - but I know, sadly, it won’t be enough.
But I’ll do it anyway just to appease my sisters, more importantly, Zora. I shrug my shoulders helplessly and intend to vacant her room when suddenly she appears before me, holding a photograph out to me.
I look to her, my brows are raised and she cocks her head to the side, her piercing brown eyes are full of sadness. Guilt consumes my body whole as I know I am the blame for the emotion in her gaze. “Take it.” She whispers softly and as the picture slips in between her fingers and falls into my left hand, my eyes flow over the sight before me.
I immediately recognize my sister, Maria - this picture had to be taken during her late teen years because that is when she was sporting the extremely long, jet-black hair style; she’s wearing a black tube bikini and is standing in the arms of a tall, male figure - someone so breathtakingly handsome I almost lose my breath.
Zora snorts. “Justin really was a catch back then, huh?”
My questioning eyes find hers immediately and my lips part in shock - my eyes roam over the man once again and I’m astounded to see that in fact, it is Justin; he’s much more healthier here, much more happier - this strains my heart because I know I’ll never have that affect my sister has on him.
You can only look that happy if you’re with someone you’re falling in love with - we know that’ll never between him and I. “Your reason for giving me this is?”
She licks her lips and groans, inwardly. “I want you to see the difference between the Justin you know and the Justin I knew.” She takes the picture from my hands and looks over it, briefly. “The Justin in this picture loved life - I don’t think I’ve ever seen him not smiling or at least trying to put a smile on someone else’s face. Music was his gift and he cherished it. He catered to every woman who mattered to him and respected those who he barely knew.”
Zora then rips the picture in half and throws it onto the bed - her eyes widen. “That man is dead, Sadie and he isn’t coming back…you need to get that through your head.”
I shake my head. “You don’t have faith, Zora-”
She interjects me. “Don’t talk to me about faith, Sadie. You’re the fucking one who has spent your entire life hiding behind your sisters ‘cause you’re too afraid to be on your own - you’ve never had faith in yourself so don’t talk to me about that shit.”
My eyes widen and my lips begin to tremble, I stumble backwards; Zora is really ticked off at me right now and all I can think of is how I wish she wasn’t so mean to me if she knows I can’t handle it. “U-Um, I-I’m s-sorry.” My stuttering voice echoes throughout the room and I try to find her gaze, even though I’m pretty sure that she is staring at me right now.
She sighs. I see her out of the corner of my eye step forward, but I step back. I’m nervous. “I shouldn’t have said that, Dee Dee.” Her tone takes a softer volume and she steps into my vision, her features are everything apologetic. “I’m just so scared for you ‘cause I know you’re going to get hurt and I want to protect you but a person can never protect someone from what their heart wants.”
I pout which looks really pathetic when I’m twenty-two, I’m sure, but I do it anyway; Zora folds my body into embrace and our bodies sway. “It’ll pass, Z.”
She giggles softly. “Oh, honey, no, it won’t.” Her lips find my cheek and she kisses me briefly before stepping back, her eyes are watery and I’m curious as to why. “Be careful, okay? Promise me you’ll be careful.”
I lick my lips. “Careful ‘bout what?”
Her eyes dance and she laughs loudly before placing her hands onto my shoulders. “Don’t ask because I’ll be here all night trying to explain it to your slow ass - just promise me.”
I shrug my shoulders and I smile. “I promise.”
* * *
See a penny, pick it up, and all day long, you’ll have good luck - yeah, that’s complete bullshit ‘cause I’ve been holding this damn thing for the past three hours and nothing has fucking happened yet.
I’m bitter right about now - I have a right to be, I have a fucking migraine that’ll make anyone wish they were dead, my mother has forced me to go job hunting today and to top it all off, last night I’m pretty sure I’ve had the most humiliating moment in my life right before Sadie’s eyes.
Yes, I called her by her name without adding any cruel statement behind or before it - I figure after she’s seen me piss on myself and foam at the mouth that I can’t talk about her anymore, nor do I truly want to. Do I care to explain my breakdown last night?
Hell no. It is just clear to me that my mother can say the most ludicrous comments at the wrong, freaking time; I’ve never seen the resemblance between Tyler and Sadie but after my mother spoke the unspeakable, the shit all came to me at once.
I’ll tell you just a bit of my horrible history with Tyler Jackson, okay maybe I won’t seeing as how I can’t control emotions when thinking of her so I’ll just explain how Tyler and Sadie are similar. The only thing that truly gets me is the weight issue - I’ve complained so much about how big Sadie is, but the truth happens to be that the only girl I’ve ever loved probably is a size bigger than Sadie herself.
Your mouth hit the floor, yet? Its not like I picked Tyler out of crowd of thousands of beautiful, thin women and just decided she is the girl for me - I’ve known her for the better part of my life; she and I grew up together right along with Trace, she had been the girl next door…the fat girl next door. I had my share of women when I stepped into the limelight and Tyler remained by my side - she seemed to be disappointed with my various conquests of strange women but she never voiced it.
I can never truly say she was like my sister because I’d be lying - even as children, she seemed so much more than just a sister to me - she was more like my confidant. I turned to her for comfort and she turned to for reassurance. Through our teen years, I begin to notice her very low self-esteem; not many men noticed her because of her weight - the only people she shared her life with is me and Trace, so I felt so much more protective of her than anyone else.
I don’t know when I saw her differently - maybe it were the nights she would change clothes in front of me and act as if it were nothing or maybe it were the days when I felt no inspiration to write and she’d send a smile my way and my pen would go crazy wild against the paper before me. Whenever it was, I fell for her so quickly, so rapidly - that’s thing the about love - you can never control who you love but when you fall? You don’t question it because you know its right because if it wasn’t…you wouldn’t feel the way you do.
Didn’t think my ass was that deep, did you? There were no tension between us - it felt so natural, so real that I knew she and I were meant to be; for so long, I had wished I’d find someone to be there longer than the morning after and I’d finally found her.
I’ve never been happier than when she and I were in love - she brought out the absolute best and sometimes the worst in me, and it is only because I loved her so much. Maybe you’re wondering what happened to us? Well, that’s as far as I go on that subject - I’m just not going there today, I can’t - I’m afraid I’ll fucking shit on myself if I do. And I’m not joking.
Now, I stand in our local bookstore with my mother waiting idly in the car - I’m here returning my application that I’ve had in my room, stuffed underneath my bed for about a couple of months. Lynn Harless has taken upon herself to drag me to every hiring store, building, company in the city so I can make myself “productive” as she calls it.
Occupying my time with work isn’t going to stop my drug addiction anytime soon - it didn’t stop it before and I sure as hell know it won’t now, but I’ll do what she wants to keep her mouth closed and her soul satisfied. I made a mistake last night, a huge one but I’m still going to try to make an effort to be better than what I once was. I have to be or either I’ll be just what everyone presumes I am - the town junkie.
If it starts here - it starts here. I’ve turned in my application and I’m heading out the door because being around books too long makes me nauseous - this is until I see Sadie across the store, reading a book; my heart begins to pound in my ears and my throat becomes dry.
Last night I had surprised even myself and asked her stay with me and…she did - well, she stayed just about as long until the awkward silence kicked in and we had nothing to do but stare at one another and listen to Trace’s fat ass snoring; that’s when my mother took her home and its weird, the second Sadie left…I yearned for her to come back.
It takes a lot for a real woman to do what she did for me last night, especially after all the shit I’ve said to her but she did it with grace and class - she never laughed at my faults or took it upon herself to attack me when I’m down, she was just there, being the someone I needed for that hour of that horrible day.
And for that, I have to say, my dumb ass is grateful to her.
But I don’t know if I should approach her - how do you strike up a conversation with someone who has witnessed you in your lowest hour? Maybe I should just forget she ever existed and try my best to avoid her ass? I shake my head - I doubt this is possible, the more I try to steer clear of her, the more I come in contact with her.
I step in the direction of her and I’m immediately halted in my movement by this ugly face before me - Sara Jean. “How’re ya doing, baby?” There is a large wad of pink gum stuck between her two front teeth and I try everything in my power not to laugh in her face; at least she’s dressed more appropriate than usual, her hair pulled back into a high ponytail and she’s wearing some sort black pantsuit, covering her flabby skin and endless tattoos and piercings.
I fight the urge to roll my eyes, “I’m not your baby, Sara Jean.”
Her hand reaches out then and falls to my left cheek, I don’t push her away because I don’t want to cause a scene - I know I’ve treated her pretty badly and that’s due to the fact that she lets me and more importantly, she was just an easy lay for me, nothing more, nothing less.
Her deep ruby red lips pucker out in a baby fashion and her eyes soften, “Be like that then, Justin - I just miss you is all.” She sighs, dramatically, trying to draw extra attention to herself. “You ain’t called me lately, honey…have I been kicked to the curb for some other floozy?”
My eyes glance over her frame and check and see if Sadie is still reading her book but she’s no longer standing there and I panic - maybe she left? Why the hell am I still standing here talking to this girl? “I got to go, Sara Jean, all right?”
As I move around her, she catches my arm quickly and yanks me back to her presence and I groan inwardly. Won’t she just leave me the fuck alone? “You wanna hook up later? For old times sake?” She is licking her lips, slowly, which I know she’s doing this trying to be seductive but I can only wonder what I ever saw in this pathetic excuse for a mother.
I feel sorry for her children.
I snort. “You’ve lost your fucking mind if you think I’m going to do anything with you - by the way, why are you here? You don’t even know how to read!”
She doesn’t seem phased. “That hurt, Justin - that hurt right,” she points to her head, and I raise my brows, “here. But anyway, since you care so much, I brought my kids up here to play in the children’s section.”
I scoff. “There is such a thing called playgrounds, Sara Jean.”
She rolls her eyes and waves this off. “Are you crazy, Justin? There are,” she leans in to me and whispers, “STDs at the playground - don’t tell anyone, you heard that from me.” She steps back and looks around, suspiciously.
I can’t help but laugh, softly - this woman is fucking ridiculous. “Where they’re at? I know you didn’t leave them by themselves, Sara Jean! They’re all under the age of five!”
Sara Jean snickers, “Of course, I didn’t leave them in here by themselves!” She sighs, “I left them outside on the curb, I wanted to check on things before they can come in here.”
I look behind me, incredulous. “Sara Jean - you left your six kids, outside, in the burning heat? Don’t you have a three month old? What the fuck are you still doing in here?”
She seems not to understand where I’m getting at for about one, two, three, four, oh and five seconds before she yelps and runs around me, screaming. “I can’t believe I forgot!”
Shaking my head, I decide to forget Sara Jean’s ignorant ways and try to locate Sadie - I move around, eyes roaming, searching for any sign of the quiet girl; after, I search more than I can bear, I sigh, loudly and curse underneath my breath.
This strikingly beautiful older woman stood a few feet from me and she had her blue eyes on me, watching me, intensely, studying me - I felt my pulse quicken, I hadn’t messed around with a older lady in a while and she was more than a catch - she seemed to be a dream come true.
I smile and she frowns - okay, well, I guess there goes my shot with her. I turn my eyes away from her, deciding she is no longer worth my attention until she steps into my line of vision, bothering me. “May I help you?” I ask, suddenly thinking of my mother waiting in the car, knowing her - she probably drove off and left me stranded in this Godforsaken place.
Her blonde hair has a few strands of gray but it does nothing to her clear, statuesque features, “Why were you staring at the obese girl who was reading a book?”
My eyes widen. Someone was watching me? I cock my head to the side and fold my arms in front of my chest, “How did you-”
“I was standing right behind you - I saw you the whole time.” She grips her Gucci purse tighter in her hands and her thin lips purse together, “Answer my question, please.”
My brows furrow in question. “Why do you want to know?” Fuck being polite - I don’t even know this bitch.
Her strong stance never falters, “I’m her mother.” Okay, my jaw drops then, or at least it should have - I should’ve known. I’ve seen so many pictures of Mabel Kennedy in her prime years that I could have put two and two together but my slow ass just didn’t pay as much attention as I should’ve.
I smile, weakly. “Oh, I’m sorry, Ma’am!” I try to welcome her into my embrace but she refuses so I step back - well, fuck you too, bitch. Forgive me, but even when I try to be the better man…its never good enough. “Um, I sort of know your daughter.”
Her stony features run a shiver through my spine and I need to get as far away from her as possible - this bitch has me scared shitless, literally. “I remember you,” she speaks calmly, as if she has no care in the world, “you dated my other child, Maria.” When I open my mouth to speak, she quickly interrupts me, “I didn’t ask for you to comment - I speak, you listen.”
Who does this bitch think she’s talking to?
“Excuse me, Ma’am but-”
“Did you hear what I just said to you?” She interjects me and licks her lips quickly, “Sadie has issues, far too many to just have you add on to her list of problems.” I don’t understand where she’s getting at. “Stay away from her - I know about your ways and I won’t allow you to interfere with her affairs.”
Are we in third grade or something? Someone, please let me know. “Her affairs?” This is comedy for me, absolute comedy.
“Do you find this amusing, Mr. Timberlake?” She steps closer to me, her blue eyes shooting daggers of nothing but evil. “If I find out you so much as even look at my daughter or my other girls again - I’ll make your life a living hell, you pathetic, piece of scum.”
Wow, its nice to know you care so much…bitch.
“Mabel,” A man’s voice intrudes on our conversation and I let out of a sigh of relief at what I’m assuming is her husband - he seems out of breath and tired. “The girl up front said Sadie left a while ago - I wish we could-”
Mabel places her hand up, “Hush, Mr. Kennedy.” And to my dismay, the man silences himself - what a pussy. She turns her attention back to me. “Now, I expect for Sadie to never know about this conversation because I believe you’re at least smart enough to do what I instructed you and leave her alone.” She turns away from me and walks away and I’m left with the pussy and my thoughts.
“I’m sorry for my wife’s behavior.” The pussy interrupts my thoughts and I look to him - he seems depressed, embarrassed and sad all rolled into one man. Poor guy. He holds his hand out for me to shake and when I do, I notice he has a very strong grip. “You know Sadie?” I nod my head, and he lets go of my hand and a look of worry appears upon his features. “How is she?”
I smirk. This is his own child and he’s asking me how she’s doing - damn, their family really must be fucked up. I chew on my bottom lip, “I don’t know her that well, sir,” I shrug my shoulders, “but what I can say is that it seems like she has a big heart.”
The pussy nods his head and his green eyes seem lost in the past, remembering a time so long ago. “From the moment I first held her in my arms, I knew she was different from my other girls - Dee Dee has the quietest spirit but the most biggest soul.” He smiles and then shakes his head, “She never even called to let us know she came back home - I expected her not to call Mabel but…,” he then remembers he is relaying all of his personal information to me and he stops himself.
The bitch suddenly appears out of nowhere, “Mr. Kennedy, it is time to go.” She heads back to whatever planet she has fallen off of.
Pussy smiles at me apologetically and I’m not sure if he is sorry for his wife or sorry that he said too much to someone he doesn’t even know. “Don’t worry about my wife - she has a hard heart but in the end, she just wants what is best for her children.” He steps away from me and heads in the same direction his bitchy wife disappeared to and I let out a harsh breath.
Sadie’s family is fucking nuts - this is why I’m reassured that me talking to her is even more crucial than ever before; is it possible that she’s just as fucked up as me?
Maybe, my good luck is kicking in after all.
* * *
Maria clashes her drink into mine as she moves her hips to the rhythm of the music that is playing - I sip onto my Ginger Ale, slowly and watch the scene before me unfold in front of my eyes.
After the incident last night, Zora seemed to think it was best if we had a sisters’ night out at her place and forget the opposite sex for the weekend. I didn’t have a problem with this - it gave me an excuse not to talk to Trace, who had been blowing up my cell phone all morning.
All of my siblings are drunk except for Patrice, who seems to have been watching curiously all night long - I haven’t asked her what her deal is because frankly I just don’t want to know, but the looks she is giving me are making me very uneasy.
Zora is lying face down into the cushions of her white sofa, sleep and Maria seems to be the only one who is enjoying herself - which doesn’t surprise me.
“I fucking love booze,” She downs her drink and then throws her plastic onto the floor, her hips sway harder to the grind of the music and she closes her eyes. “You like booze, Patrice?”
My sister scoffs. “Bitch, don’t ask me stupid questions.”
Maria’s eyes open and she seems flushed, “You see how she talks to me, Sadie?” She moves her hips towards me and I lean back, away from her, smiling, “You’re not gonna come to my rescue, Dee Dee?”
I glance at Patrice briefly and quickly shake my head, this makes Patrice laugh with sudden joy before moves closer to me. “Don’t be scared of me, sis, I just wanted to see how long you could take me staring your ass down.”
I relax some and watch Maria dance, stupidly, in front of me. “Why you’re not drinking so much tonight?” I ask my sister beside me.
She shrugs her shoulders and her dark brown hair falls from her loose ponytail and frames her delicate features, she seems not to even notice this. “I didn’t want to be the butt of the jokes tomorrow morning, like I’m pretty sure Maria will most definitely be.”
Maria doesn’t notice us talking about her so I ask a random question. “How come you’re so hard on her?”
Patrice’s eyes soften and she half-smiles. “Maria is stuck in her own perfect world of no one can do wrong and she’s so fucking optimistic about everything - I’m a realist and I have to protect her from the reality.” She smirks, “You have Zora and Maria has me.”
I smile. I understand her - which surprises me that I caught on this quickly. “Makes sense.”
She sits up and lays her head against the side of the sofa, watching me, intently. “So, how was your date?”
I shrug my shoulders and glance away and without saying anything, Patrice whistles. “That bad, huh? Well, welcome to the club of sucky first dates.”
I shakes my head. “It wasn’t bad, really - we just sort of got distracted by something that was going on with his friend, Justin.” A smile appears upon my features, unknowingly.
Patrice’s eyes widen and she snorts. “This shit is classic. You have a thing for Justin?”
How can she know that? I’ll deny it - I’ll deny it to my grave. My smile falls and I scoff with fake disbelief. I’m not good with the whole lying thing so I wonder how this will turn out. “You’re so off, Patrice.”
She turns her gaze away from and folds her arms in front of chest, “Eh, whatever. I wasn’t born yesterday, baby sis - and the look you just got on your face when you said his name says it all.” Patrice smirks, her hazel eyes glowing with mischief. “I won’t tell Maria ’cause I know she’ll probably have a stroke or at least something of the sort.” Her soft giggles are like stabs to my ears as I cut my eyes away from her.
I need to work on concealing my emotions more - time to practice in front of the mirror for an hour or two. “How did I look?” I whisper, softly, terrified.
Patrice sits up then and moves closer, her hands touch mine and she seems ecstatic - it is as if she has found out a secret that she knows will be talk of the town or at least, the talk amongst us girls, but I doubt she’ll tell Maria such things right now.
I should be the one to make that step, not her.
“You looked happy, Dee Dee - you really did.” And now, I can’t help it - a smile reaches my lips once again and I don’t hide it - I can’t help it and I don’t understand it, either…just the thought of him makes me smile.
I must be losing my mind.
* * *
"Where Does The Good Go?" by CutiePie07
Author's Notes:
Hey, everyone! What a week this has been for me! Thank you for all of the graduation blessings - meant alot and now I'm so glad I'm over that obstacle in my life and I can begin a new one (ie: college!). Okay, enough 'bout me - I don't like this chapter but I needed to give you guys something cause I know ya'll are getting restless and I promise what yall want will be granted in the chapters to come - I promise! Love ya'll SOOO much! God Bless. -Jelisha:)
Chapter Ten
"You will never know love unless you surrender to it."
From the movie, Fools Rush In
Look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive
Look me in the heart and tell me you won't go
Look me in the eye and promise no love's like our love
Look me in the heart and un break broken, it won't happen
“Where Does the Good Go?” - Tegan & Sara
“Because I love you, you idiot!”
Insert my a worthy smile right about now as I curl my legs beneath myself and increase the volume on the television screen; tonight I have secluded myself to my room with my junk food and my collection of the Gilmore Girls DVDs - to commemorate the ending of an era…it’s the end of this quick, witty drama that I have grown to adore.
Right now, I’m towards the end of Season One - thinking back to those days when this show first aired - teen girls my age were out trying to find boyfriends at the local mall and trying to get into Rated R movies by themselves; I, on the other hand, spent most of my nights locked away in my room either reading (of course without my mother’s knowledge) or watching some drama/comedy series on television.
Gilmore Girls is only one of the many shows I spent many of my nights fantasizing that I could one day be one of the main characters - Rory Gilmore, for example, had the perfect mother, perfect education and the perfect boyfriend in Season One, alone and I use to imagine myself being her one day, even though I knew I could never be capable of having a parent love me as much as Lorelai loved her daughter. You think I spend too much time dwelling into the lives of fictional characters?
I probably do. I guess it’s the fantasy that sucks me in - the idea that love conquers all is a secret desire of mine; movies live the fantasy for maybe two hours or so but television shows give the audience something to believe in every week.
As I move to my DVD player and remove the disc, I place another disc from Season Two into the player and press play - I’m giddy all of the sudden because I have four other seasons to watch before I am done with my Gilmore Girls celebration. I could never tell anyone I do this but it’s a ritual of mine - when a show I love is cancelled, instead of being sad, I celebrate the years that they’ve given me by watching each season of the show - it took me about two and half days to complete my party for Friends.
I curl back underneath my sheets and grab a fist full of potato chips, stuffing them in my mouth at one time, I chew loudly as my now greasy hands select an episode with the remote.
The past few days I’ve been so consumed with trying to avoid Trace and trying to stay away from my sisters’ prying questions that I haven’t thought of Justin - well, I’m not entirely telling the truth - I have thought about him, a lot, actually. I wonder if he is okay, I wonder if he is happy and sometimes I find myself wondering if he is thinking about me - but then I realize how absurd this sounds because if he really were thinking of me, he would’ve called, right? That’s what guys do when they’re interested - they call?
Frankly, this is the case, because Trace has continued to call me on a daily basis and I have continued to divert my attention away from him - I don’t want to hurt the guy but I also don’t want to lie to him, I’m not that kind of person, I never have been - but how can I honestly look him in the eyes and tell him that the first time I feel something for anyone it just happens to be his best friend? I’m not strong enough to do something like that.
Zora has kept her opinions to herself now, which worries me because she is the most outspoken person I’ve ever known and I know it is literally killing her to keep her thoughts to herself - but all she does now is shake her head when she sees that I am purposely ignoring Trace’s calls. I know she hasn’t been happy with me these last couple of days but I’ve to come to the conclusion that I can’t always please her - sometimes, I have to do things that she isn’t going to agree with - that’s just life.
A part of me has the urges to call Justin and find out the answers to my probing questions but I’m too frightened that he will turn me away and I can’t force myself to deal with that right now - I like him too much to let myself be let down by rejection right now. Of course, its still disappointing when I come home everyday and check the caller ID to see that he hasn’t called - I know I’m holding on to false hope, thinking that maybe I felt a connection that night at his place but I can’t help it - that night, I saw in his eyes, for a brief second, that he actually wanted me there…he needed me there. And since then, I’ve been clinging on to that memory because I need it to believe there is any chance of him and I ever being anything closely resembling friends.
I scoff. I’m gripping onto loose straws is what I’m doing - maybe my sister is right, I am too naïve for my own good. I can only see the potential in someone than to see their faults - I can only believe in the fairy tales because that is all I have ever known; none of it is real, and yet, I still keep believing. What kind of person does that? An idiot? An oblivious woman? I don’t know…I just don’t know.
“She likes Jess, doesn’t she?”
My eyes reach the screen now as I intake a deep breath of air - this is a powerful moment right then between Dean and Lorelai; Dean, Rory’s boyfriend, has finally begun to see that the girl he’s in love with and the girl he has spent most of his days with is falling for someone else before his eyes and there’s nothing he can do to stop it. I felt for him then because I know it has to hurt to slowly lose someone that means the world to you to someone who doesn’t truly deserve so much affection and devotion - but that’s the thing about love or at least what I’ve learned on television - we have the chance with the ones who care about us the most but we still are drawn to the ones that appear unattainable and we know it can only lead to heartache but yet, we still believe the impossible is nearly possible.
I sigh, loudly, licking my lips before I begin to tear the wrapper off of a Snickers bar and I take a chunk out of the chocolate candy, savoring the devilish taste. I haven’t eaten anything unhealthy for the past couple of weeks but now, I guess I’m back to my ways - when you’re around the opposite sex too much, you kind of forget about food. Why is this?
For me, its always been a personal struggle to not allow others to have the chance see me indulge in my weaknesses - I’m a target for easy attacks, everyone should know this by now - so why would I give anyone any extra incentive to make me feel any less of a strong, independent woman than I already am?
But now, I’m alone, with my thoughts and the only source of comfort right now is my DVDs and food - Kyle is with his friends and his mother is off to another date with the guy whose name I don’t remember. So I am really am alone and I absolutely love it - this is what has probably been the source of all my weird emotions, lately.
I’ve never been outside the comfort of my four bedroom walls and when someone is trying to make an effort to get to know me - I become this odd, very insecure girl; from now on, I will return to my old ways and live life the only way I know is the safest for me - I’m just not meant to understand the opposite sex and I have long ago accepted this.
The shrill ringing of my cell phone interrupts my thoughts and my fascination with my television screen and I push aside my goodie treats and retrieve my phone - I glance at the caller ID, with the roll my eyes, I press silent.
Its Trace, again - tonight is about returning to my old self and I don’t want nor do I need anyone trying to ruin this for me.
“If she chooses Noel, I’m jumping off a cliff.” My sister, Zora’s frame is laying in the thickness of my bed sheets and her comment throws me for a loop as I cut my eyes to her, questionably.
“You don’t mean that.” I whisper, pulling my Sponge bob pillow closer to the plumpness of my chest - my heart is pounding in my ears and I can hardly breathe. What is the cause of my discomfort?
I need to know if Felicity is going to choose Ben or Noel; this is no joke - my sister hates television, she despises it, but from the moment Scott Speedman graced this show…she has made an exception - for the past four years, she and I sit aside our Wednesday nights to bicker and argue over the crazy decisions of this young, college woman.
And tonight, its like ending an era - not only is tonight its final episode but it also marks the last few weeks I have left before I graduate from high school and leave this Godforsaken place; in other words, I’m happy. But I know Zora is dreading every day leading up to my departure - we’re two peas in a pod and I’m the only one she trusts with her son and she’s the only person I’ve ever trusted, period.
To lose her is something I haven’t quite grasped, yet - I choose not to, for now. I want to relish in the moments I have left with her and my nephew, Kyle - because they’ll be our last…I’m not coming back to this place ever again. My life doesn’t begin here - it ends. I wish I could take Zora and Kyle along with me but my dreams are my own - my sister is never going t-
“I so mean it!” She grabs a fist full of buttery popcorn from the brown bowl beneath us and stuffs her face, quickly. “Noel is a fucking loser.”
I scoff. “He’s amazing, Z.” I say, as I watch Felicity have flashbacks of her past - we must really be losers to be sitting around, arguing, about something that is fake - but I don’t care; it’s the optimism I love about shows, the probability that sometimes the dream man is capable of being in our everyday lives. “He loves her for who she is.”
Zora waves me off, her brown eyes find mine. “The only reason she’s even having to choose between the two is ‘cause Noel’s safe - its guaranteed that he’ll always be there, he won’t ever leave her-”
Okay, that’s a good thing. “That’s what a girl wants.”
“Let me finish, girl!” She pinches me in my side and a frown immediately graces my features - she’s pinching my fat and she knows I hate when people do that. “Don’t look at me like that!” A smile reaches her lips and I can’t help but return her happiness…she has that kind of effect on me. “Dee Dee, do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who you can already know your future with them? There’s no surprises, no mistakes, no journeys to go through together because you know what will be for the two of you before it even happens.” She smirks, “No one wants safety, Sadie.”
I pout. “She loves Noel, though.”
Zora nods her head and flips her strawberry blonde hair over her left shoulder, “Yeah, she does - she knows that if she chooses Noel he won’t hurt her but with Ben comes the unknown - she isn’t sure about her future with him, she doesn’t know what will become of them and that’s what love is - taking that risk.”
I chew on my bottom lip and widen my eyes, “That’s deep, Z.”
She giggles, pushing me slightly in the shoulder, “Yeah, I know - I saw someone say that shit on Oprah and I always wanted to say it!” I roll my eyes, “You know the real reason why she’s going to choose Ben, don’t you?”
I move my body closer to hers, leaning down to try to hear her better. “No…why?”
Zora smiles, mischievously. “’Cause she knows that’s the only way her kids are gonna come out smart but extremely hot,” she shakes her head, “if she decides to shack up with Noel…those poor babies don’t stand a chance in hell.”
The insistent pounding of knocks from the front door interrupts my dosing off state as I push myself up from my bed full of half-eaten candies and chocolates and I head to the door, wiping my weary eyes, gently - I don’t look through the peephole because I figure its my sister but I don’t question myself as to why she wouldn’t use her door key, instead, I open the door to be met with the one person I have been avoiding for the last few days.
Karma always comes back, it just does. I know I’m standing before him looking a fool - my hair is down but it’s a an absolute mess for I can’t even comb through it because of the mass of tangles and my Scooby Doo pajamas do not help my appearance one bit - a rush of heat reaches my cheeks as I step aside to let him into my humble home. My body is shaking now with fear because I’m not good with the lying thing - many years with my mother’s daggering, evil stare is the reasoning for this; under pressure, I either do two things - I buckle or I rise above the occasion.
Right now, I feel myself doing the sooner than the latter. He maneuvers himself into my home and I close the door behind him, leaning against the doorframe for support, I lick my lips quickly. What shall I say? How can I explain my behavior?
“Sorry to just show up like this, Sadie.” His voice interrupts my questioning thoughts and I glance to his much shorter figure and my heart aches - I can only imagine how furious he is with me. “I just got so worried cause you haven’t been returning my calls…I thought something had gone wrong.”
My palms become sweaty as I push my body away from the frame of the door and circle around him, inviting him to join me on my sister’s leather, black sofa - crossing my legs, I fold my arms in front of my chest and watch in silence as he stares blankly into his hands.
I’m mentally preparing myself for his rude outburst and accusations - I totally deserve it. “Sadie, I shouldn’t have brought you to Justin’s house that night,” He brings his gaze to my curious eyes and he holds out his hands for me to take - okay, I wasn’t expecting this, but I graciously slip my hands in between his and a smile graces my features as he entwines our fingers. “I know it wasn’t something you’ve been exposed to before and its my bad.”
My mouth hangs open now and I force myself to look away from his sincere gaze - if only he knew the truth. “T-Trace, its all right.” I whisper softly and I’m a taken back as his body moves closer to mine and he clears his throat, bringing my eyes back to his own.
He’s smiling - his brown eyes are dancing. “Scooby Doo, huh?” I cough, loudly. I swear my heart is about to burst out of my chest. “I got something like that back at the crib.” My eyes widen and he nods his head, “No lie! Anyway, you look cute, Sadie.”
I cut my eyes away from him. “Yeah, right.” I mumble to myself and to my relief, Trace doesn’t hear me.
His hands break away from mine and they now rest on my shoulders, “So, I wanted to know if we could have a make up first date? Something to salvage what went wrong the first time?”
I notice the giddiness in his voice and my heart sinks; moment of truth - what shall I do? Be true to my heart or make him happy? I lick my lips once again and try to change the subject, “Are you and Justin going to be okay?”
Trace rolls his eyes and shrugs his shoulders. “I honestly don’t know, Sadie.”
I cock my head to the side, “You can’t lose faith in him, Trace - he has to know you believe in him or he won’t try to do better.”
“I’m tired of believing.” He mutters, dejectedly.
I shake my head. No, don’t give up. “The other night - you fell asleep, Trace, your best friend was having a breakdown, and you went to sleep.” I suck in my bottom lip and sigh. “I know its hurting to see him like this but can you only imagine what he’s going through? See things through his perspective for once…he needs you, Trace and you need him, too.”
Trace’s brows raise in question and he folds his arms in front of his small, chest. “Didn’t know you cared so much.”
I immediately stand from my sitting position and pace the living room floor, trying not to let my nervousness visible to his eye. “I j-just want you and your friend to be able to work things out, that’s all.”
He stands from the sofa and moves closer to me and I step back, cautiously. “You’re so sweet, Sadie - you’ve got such a big heart.” His fingertips brush against my cheek and it sends chills down my spine and I close my eyes, briefly, “I can’t believe you let me be the one who gets to see how special you are.”
My brows furrow together in thought and I shake away from his touch - I can’t live a lie, I can’t risk losing those critical first kisses because of a lie. “Trace, t-this isn’t right.” I won’t allow myself to meet his eyes because I’m afraid I’ll buckle underneath myself and begin to cry with disdain.
Why don’t I want him? I know in the depths of me that he won’t hurt me, he’ll be everything I dreamed of and more…he’s safe - but that’s not what I want; he can’t be the potential of something great because I already know what lies ahead if I entertain this conception of him and I.
And if I ever do have the choice of falling in love, I want the unexpected…I want the unknown - Zora’s right, love is a risk, a leap of faith and if I succumb myself to Trace…I’ll be cowering away - I just can’t do that.
“I’m so sorry,” I mumble now, and somehow, between all of this, I have met his gaze and I’m shocked to see that he still has that silly grin upon his features and suddenly, I’m a bit worried. And kind of freaked out.
He cocks his head to the side, studying me. “Its someone else, huh?” I nod my head slowly, sadly, and he chuckles to himself, unbelieving what I have just revealed to him. “It all makes sense now. You were blowing me off…all of this time?” He’s still laughing, incredulously.
I scoff. “No, I-I just didn’t k-know how to tell you.” I say, truthfully, I chew on the inside of my mouth and wince when I taste my blood seep in between my teeth.
Trace’s laughter dies down, but he remains smiling. Is he a lunatic or something? “I can’t even be mad at you cause I know there’s not a fickle bone in your body,” he motions for me to enter his embrace, “I suppose I forced my feelings unto you?”
I shake my head into his shoulder and breathe in his scent, “N-No, you didn’t, I promise!” He laughs and I giggle, softly, “I just never felt anything for anybody and when you came along…I thought I could feel what you felt for me.”
He pulls back from our embrace and his brown eyes gleam. “No need to explain yourself, Sadie - the heart wants what it wants and as long as we can remain friends, I’ll be okay.” His eyes widen slightly, “We will still be friends, right?”
Not sure if you still want to be friends with me after you learn who I have feelings for. “Yeah, of course, Trace.” I place my hands on shoulders and smile. “I’m really sorry - I wanted to want you, I did.”
His lips graze my cheek quickly and I intake a deep breath, I’m still not used to the simple displays of affection from one person to another. “Its not the first time I’ve been turned down before,” He shakes his head, laughing, “usually, they turn me down for Justin.”
I choke, I laugh, and I want to scream as I excuse myself to the bathroom. I can’t breathe as I think of the many issues that can suddenly arise for my sudden admiration for the junkie - he, nor will Trace, ever know my true feelings.
Never.
* * *
Trace remained my company for another hour before I admitted to him and myself that our little encounter was cutting into my Gilmore Girls celebration - of course, he looked to me like I was out of my mind, but I didn’t care. A ritual is a ritual and I won’t break it for anyone.
So now, I lay underneath my covers, eager to begin my Season Three admiration as I check my phone to see if I missed any calls - I figure Zora has called, letting me know that she isn’t coming back home tonight and that I shouldn’t wait up for her.
I smile to myself - I can’t wait to meet the man that has my sister so happy, if she likes him, I know I’ll love him. I notice her number on the list of my missed calls but I dare not to return her call because I fear I might intrude upon something I truly do not want to - instead, I return the phone call of a number I just don’t recognize. And I’m nervous to say the least as the shrilling volume of rings echoes in my ear drums.
The waiting on the other end of the phone line has always made me uneasy - it’s the anticipation of if that person you’re calling will ever pick up and if they do…what do you say? I know, I’m really out of the loop when it comes down to the communications department.
“Hello?” A male’s groggy voice interjects my thoughts and almost immediately, my heartbeat increases. A man has called me? I shake my head - must have the wrong number.
Just like a star across my sky,
Just like an angel off the page,
I sigh, lowering the volume on my television. “Someone called my phone earlier, but I think they had the wrong number,” I take a deep breath. “My name is Sadie - Sadie Kennedy.”
The man’s once groggy tone now becomes very clear and alert. “Sadie?” I frown. “Hey, um, its Justin.”
I almost spit out the chocolate doughnut I am now stuffing my face with, I said almost. Oh, God - shoot me now.
You have appeared to my life,
Feel like I'll never be the same,
I thought I couldn’t breathe earlier, but now, I think I am having an asthma attack…and I don’t even have asthma! My face is beginning to get hot and breasts are now sweating - yuck, that’s never happened to me before. One thing I want to know is -
“How you get my number?” My voice sounds so much more in tact than what my body is feeling right now - good, I don’t need him to know he’s affecting me in any kind of way.
His breath is heavy over the line and I find myself clinging onto my phone - hoping he’ll hang up in my face but also praying he’ll stay on the line and talk…just talk. “You gave it to me the other night.” His laughter is like a beautiful melody to my ears. “Don’t you remember?”
Just like a song in my heart,
Just like oil on my hands
honor to love you
My mind races trying to piece together the events of the other night - and then it hits me, I had been so worried, so intent on making sure Justin would be okay that I gave him my number out of desperation - if he needed me, if he was scared, or if he just needed someone to talk to…he could call me. How could I forget I’d given him my number? Maybe because I was so sure he would never use it and now, here he is…surprising me yet again. Oh Lord, if only I drunk alcohol…I’d be so gone by now.
I lick my lips, slowly, trying to process my scattered thoughts. “Oh…,” I ramble off, the only thing I can hear now is the beating of my heart, its pounding in my ears. “I-I didn’t think you’d call.”
“Couldn’t help myself,” He says now and I choose not to say anything - I don’t what to mess up this moment in my mind, this perfect moment. “I wanted to thank you for being there-”
I shake my head, almost simultaneously, “You don’t have to thank me - I did what I thought was needed to be done.”
Still I wonder why it is,
I don't argue like this with anyone but you,
We do it all the time,
He groans softly over the receiver and I continue to hold on tightly to the phone, I refuse to let it go for the life of me. “No, Sadie, you didn’t have to do it and you shouldn’t have done it.” My heart sinks now. “I’ve treated you like shit for so long and you saw me at my fucking lowest and you didn’t take advantage of it. You should have, Sadie!”
I close my eyes and lean my head against the wooden headboard of my bed, “I will never do anything like that, Justin.” I hear his sobs now and I become worried that’s he going to do something crazy again, I fear he has called me now to bid me his goodbyes. “Justin, are you all right?”
His sobs become more insistent now and I open my eyes, frightened. “Justin? Answer me!” I speak now, pushing the covers from my body and searching my room for my flip flops - I’m going over there now. I don’t care if he can’t stand me, I just won’t let him give up on himself - its just not going to happen.
I’m in the process of searching for my shoes in my closet when his weak voice reaches my soul, “I’m here, Sadie, I’m here.”
You've got this look I can't describe,
You make me feel I'm alive,
A heavy air of relief escapes me then and I place my free hand upon my pounding chest, my lips are trembling and hands are shaking - I’m so out of tone with my body right now but I’m so content with my ability to be able to comfort Justin that it shocks me - but I don’t question it.
“For the first time in a really long while,” his voice brings me back to reality and I crawl back into the coldness of my bed sheets and curl my body into a ball, listening, “I saw that someone wasn’t giving up on me and my heart was so full then…it was so full, I didn’t know what to do with my self.”
Tears glisten my eyelids as I force myself to remain silent because I feel as if I want to admit to my irrational feelings but I can’t do it.
When everything else is so au fait
Without a doubt you're on my side,
“Sadie, I was so unfair to you ‘cause you reminded me of someone,” I inhale a deep harsh breath of air now. “Someone I loved so much and when I lost them - I lost everything good about me…and seeing you didn’t do anything but make those old wounds so much more brand new.”
I pout, slightly. Well, that’s depressing - this only means I have to really separate myself from his life or I’ll only bring him more anguish. Great. But isn’t this what I wanted? I shake my head, I have no time to analyze everything to its breaking point. It is slowly making sense why he turned against me from the beginning but I’m still curious as to what happened to this person? What did he do to lose her? And how can I possibly remind him of some model like girlfriend?
“I’ll back off, Justin.” I whisper softly, closing my eyes.
He laughs gently and I frown - I don’t think anything is funny. “That’s the thing, Sadie - I don’t want you to.” My heart was sinking before but now its swelling to the point where I think its going to burst - I can’t stop the smile from appearing on my features - feels just like I’m in the movies.
Heaven has been away too long,
Can't find the words to write this song of your love,
“You made me realize that I can fight my demons and if you let me,” He sighs loudly over the receiver, “I want to be able to be a part of your life.”
Of course I’ll let you!. I scoff. “I guess, that’s fine.” I mumble, trying my best to sound disinterested - Zora has taught me one good thing - never let the opposite sex know that what they want is exactly what you want, too.
“Cool,” He pauses, suddenly and then speaks in a low tone that I have to strain to hear him, “You think Trace will be okay with this?”
I don’t hesitant. “We decided to just be friends.”
He remains quiet over the line and I become worried that maybe he suspects my feelings - okay, what do I do now? Oh, I need some help! “Really?” He sounds surprised, and something else that I don’t know to describe just yet.
Now I have come to understand the way it is,
It's not a secret anymore,
I sigh with relief and smile. “Yes, really.” I continue to whisper. Why? I’m really not sure.
Justin yawns and I giggle softly because I think it’s the cutest thing I’ve ever heard before in my life - I shake my head to rid these thoughts of mine. “Can I be honest with you, Sadie?”
I nod my head as if he can see me - stupid, I know. “You can.”
“Just now, with you telling me that…I can’t stop smiling.” Are you serious? Oh, I can die now - my life is complete. “What is that?”
You like me? Yeah, right. I groan inwardly and force myself to speak, “Nothing, Justin - its nothing.”
You know how sometimes you can tell if a person isn’t smiling on the other end of the line anymore? Well, that’s how I’m feeling right now - I can sense the smile slip from his face. “Yeah, you’re right - its nothing.”
'Cause we've been through that before,
From tonight I know that you're the only one,
I've been confused and in the dark,
Now I understand
“I think this is the start of something-”
His words are blocked out by the entrance of my sister in my room and I go on safety guard as I place my phone behind me and smile in her presence. “Hey, Z.” I try my best to sound as sleepy as they come but it doesn’t work cause she’s studying me long and hard.
“I don’t know why you’re trying to play like you just weren’t on the phone with somebody,” Her brown eyes dance with mischief and she shakes her hips, “Its Trace?”
I bite down on my lower lip and debate on telling her the truth - I can’t deal with the lectures tonight. “You know it,” She squeals with delight and my eyes widen, “be quiet, Z!”
Zora continues to do her little happy dance as she makes her way out of my room, “We have to double date,” She nods her head as if she is really agreeing to what she has just proposed. “Yes, next week - that’s what we’re going to do.”
Oh, isn’t that just peachy keen?
As she exits my room, I choose to worry about my sister’s proposition at a later time as I turn my focus onto my phone and I quickly raise it to my ear, worried. “Justin?”
I hear the groggy voice now and I’m disappointed because I’m sure he’s really tired - thank you so much, Zora. “Yeah?”
“I’ll let you go.” I wonder what he said earlier, maybe its best that I don’t know? Oh, I can’t help, I have to know. “Justin, what did you say before now?”
He coughs softly and then breathes heavily over the receiver, and I’m convinced he is asleep until his voice surprises me. “I said I feel like this is a start of a really good friendship.”
Oh, friendship - whatever.
I scoff. “Um, all right then.” I shouldn’t get my hopes up. “Goodnight, Justin.”
Justin sighs heavily and I close my phone as I hear him whisper, tiredly, “I’ll be seeing you, Sadie Kennedy.”
I don’t know what exactly has just happened but all I do know is that I can’t stop thinking of the moment until I do see him again - oh, what a day that will be.
* * *
Song Credit:
Like A Star - Corinne Bailey Rae
"Sunday Morning" by CutiePie07
Author's Notes:
Okay, I give the reason for this chapter being up so quick due to my new Maroon 5 CD, inspiration just poured out of me and I'm proud to say the least and hope you girls will be happy, too. :) Thanks so much and God Bless - I gots to get me some sleep! Adios!
Chapter Eleven
“If you are willing to trust in a person when all others tell you to go against it, if you are willing to risk getting your heart broken because you believe in that other person…then that is true love."
Source: Unknown
But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
Sunday morning rain is falling and I’m calling out to you
Singing someday it’ll bring me back to you
Find a way to bring myself home to you
“Sunday Morning” - Maroon 5
“You happy?” Her timid, soft voice awakens me from my dream like daze and I glance to her sleeping form of a body curled underneath the hotel sheets, clinging onto the satin white pillow for dear life, a fragile smile is dancing on her full lips.
God, she’s amazing - looking at my love is like I’m seeing her for the first time every day; if my friends knew how much of a love sick sap she has made me, I’ll never hear the end of it, but truthfully so, I don’t care - I want to shout to the top of my lungs of my infatuation of her and it literally is killing me to know that there is no possible way that I can do it, for now, at least.
I pause my motions of unpacking my clothes from my suitcase to move to the edge of the bed, I try to grab a hold of her feet, but she pushes me away, laughing. She is so sensitive when it comes to her feet that I just play with her because I love seeing the childish side of her emerge. “I’m happy you came with me.” I whisper, honestly.
Her green eyes turn away from my view and she sighs, loudly - I’m pretty sure she’s pondering something over in her mind right now and debating on if she should speak her mind to me, yes, I do know her this well without having to actually say words. “Are you really?” The doubt is evident in her voice and my heart sinks because I know I have placed the uneasiness in her soul.
I lay my body down beside hers and wrap my arm around the torso of her waist, pulling her nearer to me - I need to feel the warmth of her, the heat of her body next to mine is all I want. “Hey,” her blonde hair falls over her eyes as she glances at me, suspiciously and a smile slowly etches onto my face, my heart is pounding in my ears and I can hardly breathe…this is a consistent thing that happens to me when I’m around her essence, her beauty. “You know I am, Ty - babe, I promise, this is only going to last for a couple of months.”
She is now warming up to me because she places her hands upon my bare chest, her freshly manicured nails rub against my flesh, gently, arousing me, even though I know she is not meaning for it to; her full, pink lips brush against my cheek and I shiver, loving how she can send me into a frenzy just by the rare touches onto my skin. “I believe you, Justin.” Tyler runs her fingers through her long, thick blonde hair, forcing the extra few strands from her face, “Sometimes, I just can’t believe you agreed to do this.”
I cut my eyes away from hers and I groan; sometimes, I can’t believe I agreed to do this, too. Singing is my dream and I’ve always been used to doing it in local clubs or just selling my music from the trunk of my car - as long as I get it out there, I’m happy…but here comes Ken Davis and his promises of big record deals, selling out concerts, and millions of dollars upfront that I lost track of the simplest things.
I never thought my dream will have to cost me my love, though, and I certainly never believed that if I had to sacrifice Tyler for my music, I would do it - and yet, here I am, lying to the very small amount of fans that I have that I’m not in love, I’m not with anyone…I haven’t met my soul mate. Its all bullshit and I must be shallow to let Ken convince me that by announcing my relationship with Tyler so early in my career can be deadly and I know why he feels this way… it has to do with her weight.
She isn’t small, at all - but I never cared for that, at least not with Tyler - she is so much more than the extra skin on her body…she’s the love of my life; I’m only twenty, but I know that this is it for me, I’m through searching, I’ve found my everything.
Tyler, of course, never was happy about the arrangement of now keeping our one and half year relationship a secret but she has chosen to do it, anyway - because she loves me, and I know sometimes its hard for her to even do this, knowing all of the things that I have asked her to compromise with in the past couple of months. I know sometimes she must hate me but she never voices her distaste, instead, she waits in the background for me to finish my lies to the media circuit and holds her arms out for me to embrace.
This has to be unconditional love, it just has to be - and I promised her and myself that after I get my first album out to the public, there is going to be no more denying my love for her. This is when I will ask her to marry me and make me the happiest man alive - I’m too head over heels in love, this I do know, but I can’t help it…to find true love doesn’t come often and I just don’t want to lose it…I refuse to.
I kiss her nose and she giggles, “Baby, I’m sorry, all right?” She nods her head slowly and closes her eyes and I place my hands onto her bare hips - Tyler is quick to forgive, she doesn’t hold grudges because her heart is filled with only love and forgiveness.
I’m pathetic, aren’t I? Shit, well I’m in love! Deal with it!
She’s giggling now and pushing my body away from hers, “Binky, binky, binky,” she shakes her head as my face turns red as my little friend becomes extremely happy, “It’s not getting that good, buddy.”
I hold on tightly to her hips and push her walls against me, her eyes open quickly and she is now frowning, “Justin, stop.” I immediately drop my hands from flesh and back away - I don’t know what I was thinking and guilt consumes my body whole. “You know I’m not healed it.” She says this low, menacing - she’s upset with me.
If it were possible, I literally would kick myself in the ass. I’m so fucking stupid. “Shit, Ty, I’m sor-”
She scoffs. “You’re sorry, I know.” She pushes herself from the bed and pulls her red nightgown down over her thighs as she lazily walks over to her black night bag that’s lying on the floor and proceeds to search for something. “Justin, how can you possibly forget that I just lost our baby last week?” Her green eyes cut at me then and I place my head into my hands, groaning inwardly.
Dumbass - I’m a complete dumbass; a month ago, we learned we were going to be parents, my whole reaction to this was being thrilled - to share a life with Tyler will be my greatest accomplishment. She, on the other hand, has been apprehension about the notion of becoming a mother since day one - she didn’t believe I will truly be with her when it is all said and done, but I’m not the type to run away from a problem, I wasn’t raised that way.
Tyler and I have known each other since we were children and I could never abandon her nor would I want to; Ken immediately had been against the pregnancy - Tyler and I were denying being together…so what would it seem like for her to be carrying my child? Ken had his good points but abortion was out of the question, at least from my standpoint it was - Tyler agreed with him on this issue, which did nothing but confuse me.
I wouldn’t tolerate it, though - I could hide my relationship but I wouldn’t kill a life that I’m part of the reason of it being there, I just won’t do it. Maybe it had been the stress of the lies we kept telling everyone else, maybe it was the doubt she had pressing on her soul of my true devotion for her, I don’t know what the hell it was but it all came crashing down to a halt last Sunday.
Last rainy Sunday morning, she called me from Tennessee, crying, weeping, sobbing - I couldn’t think of anything but something had to be terribly wrong with our baby, our precious baby and God help me, there was; she had awoken to blood seeping between her clothes and trailing down her thighs that she didn’t think of calling me, didn’t think of pulling me away from one of my latest studio sessions in New York, instead she curled herself into a ball in the middle of her bathroom floor and just cried.
Her mother found her there - unconscious. The doctors say that if she had came to them as soon as she had notice the blood, there would’ve been a chance for our child to survive - Tyler waited too late and forgive me for thinking this, but I feel she did it on purpose.
She never wanted a baby, and she didn’t want another reason to cling me to her, so this was her chance to escape and she jumped to it without hesitation, without thought, without thinking of me.
And so now, I haven’t been able to wrap my mind around the process of one day being an almost father and then the next, losing my unborn child because if I think of this, I slowly begin to find myself turning against the one woman I’ve ever loved and I don’t want this to happen - I love her too much to let this setback derail our future.
But this setback is the death of our child and I haven’t yet truly grieved, yet - maybe, it’s a good thing that the only other person who had any clue that Tyler was pregnant is my agent, Ken. Yeah, I guess we got off lucky. Maybe it’s a sign that we aren’t meant to be parents right now? What the fuck ever - I don’t believe shit that I’m saying right now.
I hear her burp and I raise my head from hands and see that she is downing a glass of water, her eyes wide and clear, alert. “What’s that you just took?” I ask, knowing full well she has just downed something because she has this pinched look on her features - she only looks like this when she’s taking pills…she hates taking pills.
Tyler rests the plastic cup on the round, metal table before and holds the prescription bottle up to my view, “Pain killers.” She mumbles, rolling her eyes.
I stand from my lying position the bed and hold my hand out, “Let me have a few.”
Her thick, brown brows raise in question. “Why?” I don’t say anything and she chooses to not question me, instead, she hands me the bottle and walks around me, shaking her head. “You know you can talk to me, J,” I hear her sigh, loudly, “I’m hurting, too, you know.”
I scoff. Yeah, I bet. “I can really tell you are.” I mutter to myself as my hands begin to shake, nervously and I open the bottle quickly - shaking one pill into the palm of my hand, I know I need more to try to erase the numbing feeling of pain edging its way into my heart, so I shake about three more into my hand and close the bottle.
My eyes roam over the four white pills in my hand and suddenly, tears cloud my vision and I’m terrified of the pain so I force the substance down my throat without any liquid and fall to my knees, the guilt and the aching feeling of loss succumbing me now.
Tyler might not care, but I do, I so do and all I want now is for the pain to go away, just slip from my veins and from my memory, never to be felt or thought of again.
She moves underneath me and moans seductively as her hands run over my bare chest and I roll my eyes at this because I can’t believe what I’m doing - my stupid ass has done it again. I’ve the fucked the one person who gets under my skin, and I say this in a bad way - this bitch has me wrapped around her little finger and I don’t know why.
What the hell is it about her that I can’t seem to let go? Her pussy is nice but not that nice - I have such low standards; all I remember is seeing Tyler’s face in my dreams and awakening to see this woman giving me an amazingly good blow job. I’m just a pathetic excuse for a man.
“Justin…,” Sara Jean moans softly, her legs wrap around my waist and she positions herself so that my erection enters her walls easily, I don’t oblige to this as my eyes close and I don’t move ‘cause I really don’t want to fuck the girl anymore - I mean, there’s nothing really wrong with her, I just…I just want more for myself - she’s an easy lay, that’s why I’ve fucked with her so long, she gives it up way too easily. And I love it.
As her hips begin to move with sensual rhythm, I am immediately alert and it takes every ounce of power in me to pull out of her and move to the side of the warmth of her body - she tries to wrap her arms around me and I push her away. I scowl. “Don’t.”
Her blonde hair is pulled away from her face and her blue eyes were once lightened but now are darkened with sadness, “Okay,” She whispers gently, her nude body moves a few more inches from mine and I’m secretly delighted at this. Finally, her stupid ass is getting the picture. “I ain’t all that bright,” No shit, Sherlock. “I’m too needy,” Yeah, your ass most definitely is, “But I still deserve respect.”
I frown. I didn’t expect her to say this - she never confronts me about anything, I’m so used to talking to her any way that I like that now this is taking me for a loop…she is actually standing up for herself. “Um, ok.” I mutter, propping my head up by my left hand.
She pulls the covers over her bare breasts and stares blankly into her hands, “I know you don’t like me but I’m still the girl you call every other night to lay up with you in your bed,” Her eyes find mine and I’m shocked to see unshed tears. What the fuck is going on here? “Just don’t call me anymore, all right?” She entangles herself from my sheets and I lean my head against my headboard, confused.
“We fuck, Sara Jean - that’s what we do.” I say, slowly.
She’s slipping into her mini red dress and is grabbing her purse, shaking her head, “No, Justin - that’s what you do.” Her lips purse in thought, “I’m a momma and I ain’t supposed to be playing games with nobody but my kids…so I’m done playing with you.”
What a slap to the face - I’m getting dumped by the town slut and I shouldn’t give a fuck but somehow, I do. “Sara Jean,” I call as she moves out of my room and I hurriedly rush out of my bed, bare ass and all, “let me give you a ride back home, please.”
Sara Jean smirks, “No, that’s okay, you ain’t ever took me home before and I don’t want you to start now.” She clings on tightly to her wool purse and smiles half-heartedly, “Justin, do me a favor, will you?”
I shrug my shoulders. “What?”
She moves closer to me, not even fazed by me standing before her, naked. “Try to find another way to heal what’s hurting you because right now, you’re not only hurting yourself but you hurting everyone around you, too.”
My heart aches, suddenly. “Did I hurt you?”
A tear slips from her left eye but she quickly wipes it away and shrugs her shoulders, hopelessly, “Does it matter?” When I don’t respond, she nods her head and steps away from me, “It’s okay, Justin - I’m part to blame…but the only reason I kept this charade up with you is cause I thought I could help you, but I can’t.”
I try to move closer to her but she backs away, throwing her hands up, as if to say, she surrenders. “Try to find peace, Justin, all right? Just please find some peace.” And she turns away from me and walks away.
I feel nauseous and the image of Sadie enters my mind and I almost instantly feel at ease. Weird, huh? I need to see her, no…I want to see her, and I have to see her. It’s too shocking to process but she brings me peace.
* * *
“I hate her,” Patrice mumbles, roughly, while handing me a file of papers and a calculator.
I take it, even though I only stopped by their working habitant to say hello and now, I’m calculating bills for them - yeah, thanks for asking me first, you guys, thanks so much. Truthfully, I don’t really mind, I have nothing better to do, well, actually I do, I want to be reading Hamlet and thinking about the daily implications of nasty incest that goes along with this play but I guess that will have to wait another day.
Oh, the exciting life that I live! “She’s our mother, Patrice,” Maria speaks now, her voice is taunting as her eyes focus on the computer screen before her.
Zora decided not to come into work today, claiming she felt ill but I don’t believe this for a second because the moment I left the house, she was dancing around in her pajamas singing “I Will Survive” - I just figure she’s trying to find a way to have another date with her mystery man.
I’ve decided to stay to myself when it relates to the discussion of my mother because I haven’t let any of my siblings know that I’ve seen our mother and have spoken to her and now I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m really no longer her daughter - how can I be when she treats me like absolute trash?
I debated on discussing my issues with my mother on the phone with Justin last night - okay, let me backtrack…for the past week, I’ve secretly been talking to Justin and when I say secret, I mean, I’ve been lying to Zora claiming I’m having conversations with Trace, when in truth, its been his best friend. I feel low, completely low, that I have to go behind my sister’s back to hide the fact that I’m talking to the one person she wants me to stay away from.
I know its wrong for me to indulge in this, but I can’t stop myself - talking to him this past week has been the most fulfilling thrill, I’m so serious right now - with Trace, I feel adoration from him to me but with Justin, everything he says, every time he laughs, even when he speaks my name…its heaven to me.
I’m losing my mind, I’m seriously losing it; our phone conversations haven’t lasted more than twenty minutes at the most and we don’t talk about anything important, just silly things like our favorite episode of The Office, or the weather (okay, I don’t know how the weather is silly but I had to throw something in there) but anyway, I love this side of myself when I talk to him - he brings out a part of me that I never thought existed…with him, I believe I can be normal, I believe I can be just like the other girls, I believe I can be like my sisters - I believe I’m pretty.
Its stupid to base all these emotions on silly dialogue between Justin and I but I’ve never felt these feelings before, never felt like I could be somebody to someone ’till now - okay, I’m getting way ahead of myself, I need to focus on what is important to me - becoming a teacher is important to me, keeping my relationship with sisters strong is important, falling in love with the town junkie is definitely not important.
I just need to get over this crush, already - Justin and I are trying to be friends and friends is what we will remain, well, at least till I start working because then, I have to break all ties with him - I refuse to lose my job because I’m associating with the town junkie.
“That doesn’t mean shit to me,” Patrice is speaking; her voice is loud, adamant. “Who does she think she is trying to blackmail Jade?”
At the mention of my eldest sibling, I become alert. “You talk to Jade?”
Patrice cuts her eyes at me, smirking. “No…,” She draws this word out slowly, deliberately and I raise my brows in confusion, she laughs. “She sent me an email - our mother has been threatening to reveal some secret to the press if she ever tried to get in contact with us.”
Maria doesn’t seem, at all, fazed by this information, instead she continues typing on her computer, “Our mother is a witch - I don’t expect anything less from her.”
My eyes widen, I can’t believe my mother would do this - all these years, I thought Jade wanted nothing to do with any of us and it’s because of my mother? I nod my head slowly, of course my mother would play a part in this, her dirty mind should never surprise me but it continually does - how can a person be so manipulative, so wrong?
“What’s the secret?” I whisper now, as if Jade is in the room.
My sister rolls her eyes, “If I knew what it was, I wouldn’t be calling it a secret, Dee Dee,” She folds her arms in front of her chest, “Anyway, she says she’s quitting the business and heading back out here next week sometime, I think.”
I’m elated! My sister is coming home! The one person I admired so much as a child is returning and I cannot wait - I want to tell Zora but I figure she’ll be eagerly pissed at the notion that Jade would even have the nerve to show her face in this side of town ever again. “Why aren’t you guys happy?”
Maria glances away from the computer screen to look at me, “All of us haven’t been together in one place in ten years - there are a lot of things that is unfinished between Jade and the rest of us.” She purses her lips, “I’ll be happy once I know for sure that’s she okay.”
Patrice scoffs, “I’ll be happy when our bitch of a mother stops thinking she can run our lives.”
I blink, rapidly. “Um, so…does Zora know?”
Maria shakes her head, quickly. “No, and don’t tell her right now, Dee Dee - she’s not gonna be happy, at all.” Her hazel eyes are penetrating through me, studying me. “Promise me you won’t.”
Here is another lie I’m going to be giving my best friend - I don’t think Zora is going to want me to stay in her home after all of this is revealed; she’ll feel like I have betrayed her and really, I will have. I feel so beneath myself right now, I’m such a horrible person for doing this to her, I truly am.
But I don’t voice my opinions, I nod my head in agreement and sigh with relief when my cell vibrates against my right hip, pushing the papers off of my lap and onto the desk before, a eager smile forms on my features as I notice Justin’s number - my heart jumps in my throat as I stand from my sitting position and head to the hallway, away from sisters’ curious stares and probing questions.
“Hello?” I’m out of breath as I enter the women’s restroom and hide myself in one of the stalls, pulling the toilet seat cover down; I sit on it and cross my legs, nervous.
I hear him breathing hard over the line, also and I’m instantly worried that maybe he isn’t okay, “Sadie, I want to see you,” Okay, now my heart is pounding in my ears and palms are beginning to sweat. “Can I see you tonight?”
We only talk on the phone, we don’t meet - I never thought of the possibility of being in his presence, alone and now, here we are, the opportunity is there and I’m so afraid to take it, so afraid to be alone with him and have my feelings be so raw, so exposed - I’m afraid that he’ll see through me before I even open my mouth, he’ll know how I feel before I even have the chance to deny it.
All these lies are taking its toll on me; I want to be done with it all. Push, pull, strike, or kill, I just it to go away - okay, that’s just horrible I just referenced myself to a song…I’m so overwhelmed with emotions I don’t recognize - God, help me.
“Uh, um,” My mind is a jumble full of thoughts, “where?”
His laugh warms my heart and I find myself calming down a bit. “Anywhere, Sadie,” I can hear him smiling - weird, how can you know someone is smiling over the phone? I just know. “Anywhere that I can see you.”
Heat rushes to my cheeks and I lick my lips, slowly - I’m so flying in heaven right now. “T-This is surreal to me - I can’t believe this is happening.”
Justin chuckles. “We’re trying the friend’s thing, right? Friends see each other when they need one another, Sadie.”
Oh, right - the friend’s thing, whatever, I need to once again direct my focus away from this man.
“That makes sense,” I mutter, rolling my eyes - I’m offended for some odd reason, I feel myself becoming hot with anger; this never happens to me, I don’t get angry, I don’t throw temper tantrums - I’m not myself when I’m around this guy. “Okay, then.”
“Cool - Trace is going to swing by your place and get you ’round seven, is that fine?” I don’t really comprehend anything that he is saying except the fact that Trace is coming by my house - great, we’re going to be the three musketeers, I shake my head, and I rather not be.
I’m tired of lying if I don’t have to, so I’m honest for a change. “Um, I think I’ll pass this time around.” I don’t want to talk to him anymore - I can never admit my feelings for him so what is the point of me indulging myself in his presence if I’m only going to look like a fool for not being upfront with him? “I have to go.” I don’t wait for him to respond as I quickly hang up my phone and exit the restroom stall.
Enough is enough - I’m moving on from something I never should have tried to explore in the first place.
* * *
I hate thunderstorms - since I was a little girl, thunder and lightening has scared me into an absolute frenzy; I use to turn to Zora for comfort from the storms but now, I’m a grown woman and my sister isn’t going to allow that mess to happen or more importantly, she isn‘t even here, so I lay curl underneath the sheets on my bed, tears streaming down my cheeks. I’m so afraid right now, I wish Kyle were here so that I can engulf myself with his little tiny frame, but he isn’t here and so I find comfort in humming.
Even though, my mother is so horribly bad, she has her few good points - one plus, she knew storms literally terrified to the extent that I would urinate in my bed, while I’m awake so she’d climb into my comforter, pull me close, and hum me a lullaby while stroking my hair. It seems so pointless now, so unimportant, but then, it meant a great deal to me because it had been the only thing to calm my fears, maybe it was more dealing with the notion that my mother actually acted as a mother in those few moments that calmed me the most - who knows? But now, I hum, I hum ’till the tears stop flowing, I hum ’till I drown out the lightening with my own voice, I hum ’till I can stop hearing my heart pounding in my ears, I hum ’till my body stops jerking, I hum ’till I am at a peace with myself.
My phone vibrates beside me and I roll my eyes, dramatically - it is two in the morning, who in their right mind will be trying to talk to me? I glance and see that it is a text message from Justin; he is asking me if I’m at home and if I’m awake - why does he care?
I scoff, he cares cause he’s trying to be my friend - yeah, whatever. I’m surprised by my attitude but I don’t really care how I’m acting right now, I’m more fed up with myself for lying to Zora and I want to just come clean before I do damage to the one relationship that means absolutely everything to me.
I respond and tell him I am at home and I am awake and that it doesn’t matter if he calls my house phone because my sister isn’t here - right at this moment, I have decided I will tell my sister of my talks with Justin because this doesn’t even make me feel good without her knowing.
As the thunder subsides, I wipe my dry tears from my cheeks and push the covers from my body - I’m hot and sweaty and what I want more than anything is to get into the shower and wash all of this filth from my flesh but first, I want chocolate. I move myself to the kitchen and turn on the lights in the house while walking, only to be stopped in my tracks by a knock at the front door.
I’m scared out of my mind - my eyes are probably bulging out of my head right about now and I know almost wet my pants from terror, but then I relax, knowing once again that most likely its my sister or Trace - either one will be good company, I guess - I shrug my shoulders and move towards the door, opening it, quickly, without once again looking through the peephole.
This years love had better last
Heaven knows it's high time
So, tell me now, as I stand here, hair in a ponytail, a huge white T-shirt covering my obese body, why Justin is standing in front of me, his body drenched in water, smiling? I almost slam the door in his face because I didn’t know who exactly it was - it could’ve been a mad man, it could’ve been a murderer and somehow, I rather see anyone else but this man before me.
I don’t welcome him into my house - because he wouldn’t be welcome if Zora was here, and I don’t want to disrespect her anymore than I have so I step out into the pouring rain, immediately the droplets are splattering across my face, soaking me whole.
And I've been waiting on my own too long
But when you hold me like you do
I’m blinking rapidly because I can barely see - I don’t feel happy, my heart’s not pounding uncontrollably, I don’t have the urge to smile while standing in front of him - I just want him to go away and leave me alone. Am I being too harsh? Strands of my hair is now sticking to my face and white shirt is plastered against my body, at least I have undergarments on (okay, really, though, who calls them that anymore?).
I still fold my arms in front of my chest, protectively. “What the hell are you doing here?” As these words tumble from my lips, my eyes widen and I can’t believe what I’m saying, can’t believe I had the never to say this to someone but then I realize I truly do not care because this is how I feel - I’m upset, probably for the first time in my entire life, I’m upset.
It really irks me that he continues to smile, and his eyes dance with mischief. “Trace told me, Sadie.”
I roll my eyes - I’m so not in the mood for any guessing games, its raining cats and dogs out here and I’m going to get pneumonia standing out here with no shoes on - I don’t give a damn what Trace has said and I mean this from my heart - I just don’t care! Where is my sister? “Told you what?”
It feels so right
I start to forget
How my heart gets torn
He steps closer to me and he doesn’t seem at least bit bothered by the rain as he breathes deeply, and glances away from my gaze to look at something in the street - weirdo. “You don’t want to be with him ‘because you have feelings for someone else.” He turns his gaze back to me now and I’m standing here, mouth open now - I want to die.
Shoot me, kill me, please. I am not joking - someone please kill me.
“Um, uh, yeah.” Okay, so I’m not going to deny that part of the truth - I never told Trace who I had feelings for! Boys are idiots - now, I understand why I’ve never dealt with any of them, and they’re all losers.
He licks his wet lips, “Sadie,” I wipe the water from my eyes as the rain lets up and rub my arms, nervously. What to do? What to do now? “I wasn’t born yesterday.”
I humph. “Well, neither was I.” I mumble underneath my breath, pushing my thick strands of damp hair out of my face.
When that hurt gets thrown
Feeling like you can't go on
Why am I so calm right now? And why isn’t my sister here to rescue me from Satan? I push my body up against the doorframe and breathe deeply as he continues to stare - I wish he will stop looking at me like that.
“Maybe we aren’t meant to be friends,” He speaks slowly, his wet hands are now touching my cheeks, sending a bolt of shivers down my spine, and I cannot think clearly, all of the sudden, all I can seem to focus on his clear blue eyes and that gorgeous smile of his and how its all directed to me.
I gulp my saliva, petrified. “W-We aren’t?”
Justin shakes his head, stepping closer, closing the distance between our two bodies, his hands fall to my own and he entwines our fingers, our slippery hands cling onto one another for dear life. “No, I don’t think so, Sadie.” My heart drops, well, leave me alone, then!
Turning circles when time again
It cuts like a knife, oh yeah
I cough and cut my eyes away from his stare, “Well, I guess that’s okay.” It’s not like we have the best chemistry in the world, anyway.
He ducks his head so that he can meet my gaze and I jump back. “See, I figure, if I put all my energy into trying to hate someone, then something must be there that I don’t want to fess up to.” He rubs my arms, affectionately, or at least, I think he is. “Something that is more than just friendship.”
I watch him closely, studying his body language, studying his eyes (which don’t ever seem to look away from me) and my body is slowly becoming JELL-O, I cannot believe this is happening - more importantly, I can’t believe this is happening to me. “What is it?”
He smirks. “You know what it is, Sadie.”
If you love me got to know for sure
Cause it takes something more this time
Than sweet sweet lies
I’m going back and forth with him anymore; I’m too tired for this stuff. “What exactly do you want, Justin? I’m sleepy.”
His hands are now at the base of my neck, rubbing my tenses and a feeling of heat rises below me and I close my eyes briefly, I’ve never felt that way before, I shake my head to rid the feeling - that was weird. “I keep fucking up, I keep hurting people but these last few weeks, just being in your presence has made me believe I can be a better man.” He exhales, loudly, “You make me want to try again, Sadie - so I’m going to try, and I just wanted you to be the first person to know that.”
I fight the urge to roll my eyes - he could’ve told me this in the morning, but I’m still happy for him. “Well, that’s great, Justin.” I move away from him, “I’m going to sleep now.”
He chuckles before grabbing a hold of my left hand and pulling me back, causing me to widen my eyes in fear. “There’s something else I needed you to know.”
I sigh. “What?”
Before I open up my arms and fall
Losing all control
Every dream inside my soul
Our bodies are wet and sticky and I wish he’d just let me go but he keeps smiling like some idiot and if I end up getting really sick because of this stupid charade he has going on right now - I’m going to be on a vengeance, that’s for sure.
“You told me that night you were there trying to help me,” He pulls me closer to him, my chest is basically plastered against his abdomen and I’m becoming really self-conscious. What exactly is he trying to do to me?
I roll my eyes. “Yes, I did.” I squirm in his arms, “Now, can you please let me go?”
He bends his head down, his cool breath hovering over my face, taunting me, “Please, Sadie, give me a chance to return the favor.” Get away from me, you pervert is what I want to say but I can’t get the words to come out because by now this lunatic has crashed his mouth of top of mine - wait, he’s kissing me! My first kiss…I’m having my first kiss and I’m doing nothing but thinking about it, okay, what do I do?
And when you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet
This moment has been embedded in my mind for so long and I’ve convinced myself it’ll never happen, not possible - but here it is, and my eyes are open, my arms are down by my sides and I stand confused, emotionless. It has taken me completely by surprise and before I can truly react, he breaks this suck-worthy kiss and I’m glad for it.
But then my heart aches…I’ve been waiting twenty-two years for this sorry excuse for a kiss? I cannot believe this, and the look on his face proves that he can’t believe this - yeah, buddy, you suck at it. Or maybe it’s just me? I sigh and shake my head - now, there is no way to be friends with him now, he has definitely ruined my views of him and believe me, and the crush has vanished.
“Well, all right, then.” I say, softly, sort of disappointed. “I think I’m go-”
He cuts me off by taking me back into his embrace and his lips once again find mine, this time I close my eyes, because I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt - I mean, I only get this once in a lifetime and its suppose to be special, dammit! Maybe it’s because my eyes are now closed but his lips are tender, soft, and so gentle and he isn’t urgent or in a rush, it’s more of those savory types of kisses you see on the movies, the kind of kisses that you know go on and on forever.
I step closer to him because I can hardly breathe now, my heart is pounding in my ears now, my palms are sweaty as I shakily move them to his face, because I see this stuff in the movies so I’m thinking it’s the best thing to do - he breaks the kiss, briefly, to peck me softly on the mouth, one, two, three times before taking my bottom lip into his mouth, sucking on it profusely causing the heat from below me to surface once again and I hold tighter to his flesh, feeling the droplets of rain splatter onto my forehead, but I don’t mind. His thick arms wrap around my waist, edging me to my toes as he lets go of my bottom lip and runs his tongue over the outside of my lips, slowly and I’m breathing heavily now.
Have I died and gone to heaven? Am I dreaming? Is this really happening? I step back as he tries to probe open my mouth with his tongue - this is happening way too fast, I stumble backward and my hands immediately fall to my head, its pounding.
This years love had better last
This years love had better last
Opening my eyes, I see him staring, not at me, but at the sky above, at the rain once again falling onto us and I’m speechless, breathless, motionless - fifteen minutes ago, I was crying my eyes out in my bedroom and now, I’ve just experienced the worst and the best kiss of my life in the span of five minutes. I don’t know where to begin, where do I start?
Maybe he’s towing with my feelings and emotions - maybe, he just wanted to be the first guy to kiss me, whatever it is…I’m on a high and I can’t come down - this enormous smile hurts me so much but I can’t get it to fall away from my features - he has made me happy, so very happy.
I don’t know what to do with myself now? I don’t know what to say to him - “Sadie,” he moans gently, his blue eyes now resting on me and I notice his swollen, red lips and I wonder if mine are the same - my fingers touch my mouth and I shiver with the memory of his lips against mine, sucking me in, pulling me in, never letting me go until I force him to.
So who’s to worry
If our hearts get torn
I find myself shaking my head slowly; find myself having courage to speak. “Don’t say anything,” I whisper softly, my eyes watering, but I’m glad it’s raining so he won’t be able to notice. “I just want to remember this moment, please don’t say anything.” He’s realized he has made a huge mistake by kissing me, I know this, but I don’t want to think about that right now.
When that hurt gets thrown
Don't you know this life goes on
I can only fathom the happiness I feel - I never thought this will ever happen to me and now that it has and all I want to do is savor it cause I know it’ll never happen again, and I’m okay with that. In that one moment, I proved my sisters wrong, I got my fairy tale ending for about five minutes and that’s all I need to last me a lifetime - that’s all I’ll ever need.
This years love had better last
* * *
Song Credit:
This Years Love - David Gray
Author's Notes:
Oh, Lordy! How I've missed you all! :) My PC is working but it took me awhile to get this up 'cause I had MAJOR writers block and hopefully before Sunday, I can have the next 2 chapters up for you guys! I'm SO sorry! This chapter really BLOWS to me, I know I could've did a lot better but its this damn writers block thats got me all messed up - but thanks to those who have stuck by me and now I'm back on track so lets get to the reading, shall we? lol. :)
Chapter Twelve
"If you like someone, tell him, because you might found out that they like you too."
Source: Unknown
Now I may have faith to make mountains fall
But if I lack love then I am nothing at all
I can give away everything I possess
But left without love then I have no happiness
I know I'm imperfect
and not without sin
But now that I am older all childish things end
"Tell Him" by Lauryn Hill
My body is numb, my heart is pounding, my lips are quivering but I do not think of anything else but of this man who stands before me - this man who has given me such an incredible gift; he has blessed upon me the very few blissful moments of heaven, he has placed ease upon my soul, rest on my heart...he has soothed me to an unthinkable state. I didn't know I could be even capable of these feelings that are so hard to describe, so hard to understand - I'm staring at him quietly, the rain has subsided and all that is left is the heavy breathing of him and I. My heart won't let me indulge in the mistake he has just made by placing his lips onto mine...I want to be happy for just these few minutes, but I know I have to face reality.
Sadie Kennedy doesn't get the fairy tale - I'm just not that girl and maybe I keep repeating this but I'll say it till I am blue in the face...no one wants me; I can't exactly explain what was going through Justin's mind for him to bring himself over my house at this time of night and then have the audacity to kiss me - I think he's high. I'm not joking, that can be the only reasoning for his actions - men like him can have any girl they choose (well, he could, if he cleaned himself up) and I'm speechless as to why he is standing in front of me now...smiling.
I step back. Speak, Sadie, speak. "Um," I have no words...nothing, nada, zelch to say....I just need to say something, anything! "T-Thank you." I roll my eyes as these words escape my lips and fill the air.
Yeah, nice going, Sadie.
Justin's smile widens and my heart rises to my throat. I cannot believe I just said that! "Why're you saying thank you?" I don't respond and he cocks his head to the side, his hair is dripping with water and I don't allow myself to meet his eyes and then I hear him smirk. "Sadie, look at me." His hands find my face and I have no choice but to look at his beautiful blue eyes - I can't breathe.
This isn't me, this isn't right - my heart is aching and my mind is running a thousand thoughts per second...I don't want to feel this way, I can't. "P-Please stop." I mutter softly, my breathing increases as I move away from his touch, and my lips tremble as I see some sort of dejected look in his eyes. How can he feel disappointed when I'm truly nothing to him? He can be an actor if he truly wanted to be. "I don't know what Trace told you but-"
He doesn't seemed phased by my recent movement instead he inches closer to me - I'm on guard. "He said that every time you two are together...somehow I come up and its not because he brings me up...you do." He says this matter-of-factly and I lick my lips quickly, nervous. How do I defend myself against this? I know its the truth but that doesn't mean I'm going to admit to it. "I just took a wild guess and by the way you're acting now...I don't think I was wrong." He folds his arms in front of his damp chest and my brown eyes lower to my feet.
I'm going to get pnuemonia out here from dealing with this town junkie - I shake my head, God, I have got to stop calling him that. I chew on my bottom lip slowly and then sigh, loudly, "Justin, I want to help you, I won't deny that but anything more than that I didn't have in mind," The words tumble from my lips, rushed; it doesn't give me time to actually think about what I've said, about what I'm doing.
The smile slowly falls from his lips and his eyes squinch in what I'm guessing is thought - he nods his head quickly, and this time...he steps away from me. "Oh," He chuckles now, not in a funny way but in a menacing chuckle...so mean. "Well, this is fucking hilarious." He turns his back to me and begins to walk to the driveway, towards his car and my brows raise in confusion and my heart thumps in my chest with alarm.
Did I do something wrong? "What is?" I ask, gently. I fear my sister will show up out of nowhere and have a field day at what she would see but I'm trying my best to think of other things like how quickly Justin's mood has changed. Figures, this man is out of his right mind.
He turns around suddenly, his blue eyes dark and the fear he once placed inside of me so long ago quickly returns and all I want to do now is get away from him. "You, Sadie." He coughs now and rolls his eyes, "You're fucking hilarious! You're giving me the brush off when I bet I'm the first guy to ever kiss your fat ass." When tears reach my eyelids and my bottom lip puckers out, sadly, I shudder when he laughs. "Yeah, I am, aren't I? That's why you said thank you! What the fuck was I thinking?" He shakes his head and turns back around and my heart drops, maybe it breaks, I'm not sure.
Tears begin to flow freely down my cheeks now and I do nothing to hide my anguish - how dumb could I be? How could I believe that just for a few days he could actually be a changed man? My hands begin to shake violently as my mind thinks of Trace - if only I had stuck with him...this pain wouldn't be succumbing my essence whole, if only.
I watch in horror as he speds off in his jeep and thats when I let out a cry of dispair - my heart hurts so much and I don't know what to do to make it stop. Is this what its like to be kissed for the first time? To feel on cloud nine one minute and so far beneath the ground the next? Why haven't my sisters ever warned me about this? Why did I let this happen?
I don't understand how he can be so sweet and then so cruel - this is all a game to him...he finds amusment by playing with my emotions, my feelings. Was it that obvious that that was my first kiss? How pathetic am I? I open the door to my home and step my drenched, cold body inside, tears proceed to fall and I continue to moan with sadness; as I close the door, I begin to peel away the damp clothing from my body and head to the bathroom. I see his dark blue eyes in my mind and I frown - this is for the best, so I shouldn't be so upset, so sad. Work is coming soon and I'm tired of having to lie to my best friend, my sister, no one is worth jepordizing our relationship over, especially not some town junkie. But still...it hurts so much.
Turning on the showerhead, I turn the water to blazing hot, I need to feel anything but what I'm feeling right now - I force myself into the tub and let the hot water trickle against my flesh. I breathe heavily as the water drowns me and I close my eyes, sighing - there are more important things to worry about...my eldest sister is returning home and I'll distract my aching heart with my presence. I nod my head, yeah, thats what I'll do. And then sooner than later I'll be saying...Justin who?
At least I hope I will.
* * *
Okay, maybe I shouldn't have snapped at her like I did - but dammit! She made me so fucking mad! Or maybe I was so hurt by the notion that she didn't feel the same way as I did - I was so very confused by Sadie Kennedy; people don't kiss like that and then say it wasn't their intentions. I will admit I am the one who kissed her, yes, this is true but it wasn't like her ass was trying to stop me, if anything, she seemed more enraptured by our embrace than I did; did I imagine this shit? Hell no, I didn't! This is what I get for trying to actually be a human being and act on my feelings and look what has happened to me...I'm a fucking idiot for doing this - if only Tyler were here, she'd be loving every minute of my madness.
My eyes lower to my hands as I can still feel the dampness of Sadie's thick brown hair in between my fingertips, her soft scent of strawberries mixed with some sort of cleaning soap lingers on me, drowning me whole - I close my eyes and try not to remember those soft, full lips of hers; what can I say? Its something about women who are not the average, skinny type that does something to my dumb ass - first Tyler and now Sadie; but what I figure is that I'm trying to hold on to the memory of Tyler and I by having this craze infatuation with Sadie Kennedy.
Don't get me wrong, feelings are starting to rise within me for the girl but I never would've given her a second thought if it weren't for the love of my life, well, the only woman I've ever loved...so far.
My heart still longs for Tyler and everything she gave me - she showed me what love could be if given the chance to really explore it and now that I am without it...I yearn for it, I yearn for her. Sadie isn't strong like Tyler, isn't independent like my old love and thats why I'm drawn to her...she needs help just like my aching soul does but how can I express my desire to help her if she is pushing herself away from me? How can I make amends with her when every chance that I get to make things right, I end up blowing it by degrading her? I'm a complete dumbass. I know you agree with me, don't deny the shit, either.
I've never dealt well with rejection - I've never really had to, either. Its always been what I want is for the taking and what I need will always be there waiting for me. And right now, what I want is for her to give me a chance, and what I really need...damn, what do I need? I don't know for sure, exactly. I'm a recovering drug addict with also an addiciton to sex or maybe just an addiction to having sex with inappropriate women - and the last thing my soul needs is to catch the affections of some plus size, insecure, young woman but yet, I can't help myself.
When Trace even hinted at the possibility of Sadie having romantic feelings for someone else, my mind raced with the thoughts of happiness, of hope - inwardly, I kept thinking I had some sort of shot with the girl, I had a chance of helping her the same way she had helped me that horrifying night not so long ago.
And maybe, I should've really thought things through before I rushed over to her home and basically, crashed my lips unto hers, but I just couldn't help myself - there she was, standing, soaking wet, and it had been in that moment, that I realized how incredibly...pretty she actually is. I didn't really have the urge to kiss her, maybe I just wanted to show her how much I was willing to try to make her trust me.
And now, I've ruined any chances I had at making things really right between us - I keep fucking up, I keep pushing people away and truth be told, my ass does deserve to be alone, so incredibly alone; why does God have so much patience with me? Why does my mother continue to put up with my shit? How come Trace holds on to the belief that I'll return to my old self...the person I was before I lost Tyler?
And then there is Sadie....I shake my head and moan. Damn, I really messed up with her - apologies can only go so far for so long and then all that lies underneath is lies, blatant lies.
How can I fix this? How can I make this right? "Do I even want to?" I mumble to myself, grudgingly. No one is worth trying this hard for - I don't bend over backwards for anyone and I am not about to start now, but still,, a part of me wants to make it right with her, a part of me wants to make sure she won't go out of her way to be away from me, a part of me is hoping I can change her mind about a junkie like me. But thats just a part of me...a small part.
* * *
I watch in silence as my best friend folds her laundry and places her clean bed sheets into the white basket that lies on her blue bed comforter - my hands are shaking as I debate on coming clean to Zora; maybe its for the best that she doesn't know about my web of lies but I can't live with her not knowing - right now, I'm so confused and my mind is filled with so many racing thoughts that I need to talk to her, I need to know what she would do in my shoes. I'm just so afraid of the look of disappointment that I am so sure will grace her beautiful, delicate features when I let my dirty secrets fill the empty, quiet air.
I fold my legs beneath myself and I ponder on these thoughts - its been two days since the Justin incident and instead on dwelling on the pain he has caused me, I let my mind think of nothing but the kiss, that perfect kiss will haunt me for the rest of my days, but its not like I'm dreading it or anything. I don't think I'll ever feel so complete by just having one kiss ever again - I try to forget that it was Justin who gave me this precious gift because lets face it...how stupid was I to believe that I could actually try and help that cruel man? Once a dog, always a dog...did I say it right? Oh well, it doesn't matter, anyway.
Zora is humming now and I continue to watch her profile - her long, strawberry blonde hair is pulled into a loose ponytail and today is supposed to be 'clean-up' day so she's wearing some cutoff jean shorts and a white muscle shirt - she looks no older than sixteen right now, and this is the truth.
Sometimes I envy that about my sisters, they have the fountain of youth while I look like I drink from the fountain of old age and cellulite - lucky me. The thing about Zora is, unlike my other siblings, she doesn't like to wear makeup as much because it breaks out her skin so she tends to go natural most of the time and while I used to hope it would make her age more...it has done the complete opposite - she looks like a freaking Goddess as each day passes. No lie.
"Girl, stop looking at me like that," Her brown eyes find mine and I jump, caught off guard. "You're making me really uncomfortable," She smiles half-heartedly to let me know that she is just playing with me but I know she's probably trying to strike up a conversation so I decide to just dive right in with the good stuff. No more lying.
Time to come clean. "Justin kissed me." I blurt out, quickly.
By now, her body has frozen and her eyes become huge like saucers, just staring in shock, I guess. "Wha? When?" She says this softly, pushing her basket of clean sheets to the floor, she folds her arms in front of her chest and shakes her head, already seeming to disapprove.
I swallow. "The night before last." I say just as softly as she.
Her scrunches up in disgust and her left hand finds her mouth, "Ewww!" She yelps this out and it catches me off guard as she runs to her bedroom door and closes it before leaning against it.
I'm really confused. I lick my lips and rock my body back and forth in the chair I sit in. "Ewww?" I ask, brows rise in question now.
She puckers her lips and nods her head. "Yeah, 'eww'. You kissed a boy!" She moves to me and pinches me in my side, but while doing this, she's smiling. "But seriously, what the fuck were you thinking to let that shit go down?"
I shrug my shoulders, helplessly, my heart racing. What was I thinking? "I-It just h-happened." I stumble over my words, nervous. Zora continues to watch me curiously and what is surprising me is that she's still smiling. "I regret it."
Zora scoffs at this and rolls her eyes, dramatically. "Um, yeah, sure." She chuckles while saying this, kneeling in front of me, her brown eyes softening. "Dee Dee, if you regretted it, your ass would've never wasted your time in telling me about it." She cocks her head to the side and breathes out heavily, "I'm just happy for you cause now you done been kissed and you see it ain't shit but sharing spit."
Okay, she makes it sound so horrible, I'm so glad my kiss was nothing like that. But I'll let her think that, though. "Thats not all, Zora," I sigh, softly. "I kept talking to him after I told you I'd stopped."
She humphs. "Bitch, I wasn't born yesterday - I knew your ass was still talking to the druggie, but I wanted you to be able to come to me and tell me the truth." Zora frowns, "Just don't lie to me again. You and me, Dee Dee? We don't keep secrets." She sticks her hand out for me to take and I place my left hand into her right but something is still weighing heavy on my conscience.
I want to tell her about Jade returning to town but I know I made a promise to my other sisters and I'm caught in between. Hopefully, this won't come back and bite me in the you-know-what.
I stand my sitting position and she drops my hand from hers and eyes me carefully, "So, what exactly, are you two now, anyway?"
I glance away from her gaze and chew on my bottom lip, profusely before responding, "I...we...," Her thick brows raise, and I quickly recover from my clueless state. "We're nothing." Not like I'm lying about this.
Zora seems to believe me because she goes back to folding her bedsheets without a second glance towards my way, "Well, I think...thats good." My heart aches as I finally let it sink in what I've said, it is so true but still...it is like stabbing my spirit, my very, small insecure soul. "Cause you know I don't like him, Dee Dee, plus he won't do anything but break your heart and if that happened...I would have to kill his coke snorting ass." Too late, big sis, he's already done just that.
My eyes begin to tear up slightly and I try to hide this from my sister by placing my head into my hands and sighing, loudly. "Yeah, its better this way." I mutter, sadly.
I can hear my sister, chuckling softly. "So, what did druggie say when you told him you liked his dumbass?"
Oh, God. "I didn't tell him."
Zora is quiet for a moment, a moment only before she lets me know what she's thinking. "What's the point of him being the first man you've ever kissed if you weren't honest with him and told him how you felt?"
I drop my hands from my face and I don't care anymore if she sees the tears in my eyes - she's got me so damn confused! "Does it matter, Zora?" She glances up and as she notices the tears, her features become stony and hard. "You think I'm better off not knowing him so what does it matter to you if he knew or not?"
She doesn't move to me, instead her eyes fall to her hands and she shrugs her shoulders. "You just settled yourself for less than what you deserve for a first kiss." I scoff and she rolls her eyes. "First kisses are nothing to me but to your ass...they're everything and you settled for less 'cause your ass got scared - its not about worrying if the guy feels the same way, Dee Dee, cause the worst pain is when you don't be honest with him and you keep asking yourself 'what if'." Zora smirks, "But what do I know, huh?"
Oh, shut up!
* * *
This cell phone of mine has become my worst enemy and as I stare at his number, blankly - I'm terrified of what exactly I'm about to do and I'm wondering if the best thing for me is to just back away and forget this man, this creature, but I know I can't - I know my soul won't be at ease until I'm honest with not only him but myself, too. But then I think...what's the point in calling him when he basically attacked me?
I shake my head slowly as I pull my bed sheets over my shoulders and nestle myself more comfortably in my bed, I'm so damn stupid; this man wants nothing to do with me, is disgusted with me and yet, I'm still deciding to call him because of something my sister has said?
But she's right, she's absolutely right and for once, I need to stop being so scared of what the future holds and take control of what is to become of me and my happiness - maybe I don't deserve the guy but I still deserve happiness and somehow, I will get it - I see this as a way of putting Justin and all of his cruel ways behind me...he will be just a smidge in my past after this phone call and I'll start anew tomorrow. My heart will be free and my mind will be so much at ease.
I chew on the inside of my mouth as I press the call button my phone and place it on speaker, resting the phone beside my pillow, my heart racing as I hear the phone ring, one, two, three times and just as I am about to hang up - I am met with his voice, his very, surprised voice. "Sadie?" He speaks now - he doesn't say hello, he just says my name so softly, so gently, that I find myself becoming mush.
I must have rehearsed my lines
A thousand times
Until I had them memorized
I breath in deeply and before I have a chance to respond, he just goes in for the kill. "I don't know how many times I can say this before you just tell me to shove it, but I'm so sorry, Sadie." His soft tone catches me off guard and my heart warms - I've already forgiven him, but its not like I'll let him know this. "I was just reacting out of frustration, but thats still no excuse for the things I said."
I can't get caught up in his words - this isn't want I called him for, I just want closure so I can be able to move on. I just need to tell him so I can move on with my life. "Its fine, Justin." I say now, my lips quivering in what I'm guessing is fright. I don't know exactly how to tell him this. I don't know where to begin or how to end.
But when I get up the nerve
To tell you the words
Just never seem to come out right
Just say it, Sadie. "Justin, I've been thinking-"
"Yeah, so have I." He interrupts me and my heart catches in my throat - somehow I have this secret desire he will admit to his long, lost love for me and how he only wants to be with me but come on! You even know that I'm holding on to false hope. "You were right before...what happened between us was a mistake, I shouldn't have taken advantage of you like that."
Thanks for crushing my last hope, Timberlake - thanks so much! My eyes close slowly as I feel tears reaching my eyes now and I can't seem to breathe - he is making it so hard for me to tell him the truth if he keeps on talking so damn much! Will he just shut up? The more he talks, the more it is killing me.
"U-Um, its all right." I mumble, anger rising within me.
I dream of moments we share
But you're not there
I'm living in a fantasy
He sighs. "No, its not all right, Sadie - I went too far and for that, I apologize." He breathes heavily over the phone and tears silently escape my eyelids and fall down my cheeks - I can no longer be strong. Who am I kidding? Me? Strong? I shake my head, I've lost my mind. "I want us to be friends, Sadie, but I think I've hurt you too much...I'm not worthy of your friendship."
What the hell is he trying to say? God, I just need to say my peace! "Justin, I-"
"So, I'm backing off, okay? I want you to be happy and with me around...I don't think I'm bringing anything but unwanted and unnecessary pain." He scowls, "What're you thinking?"
'Cause you don't even suspect
Could probably care less
About the changes I've been going through
I'm thinking I hate you, I'm thinking you talk too damn much, I'm thinking I wish you will please stop crushing my spirits ever chance that you get, I'm thinking I wish I still didn't like you, I'm thinking I wish you were a horrible kisser! "I think you're right." Yeah, good going with the honesty, Kennedy. I pull my bottom lip into my mouth and moan softly.
If only you knew
How much I do,
Do love you
"Don't be a stranger, all right?" He says, cheerily, so damn happy and I cry softly, holding my sheets closer to my body, as I hear him hang up - click. Its not fair!
Two days ago, I was the happiest girl you'll ever meet and now I'm nothing...just what I've always been; he made me wish for things I never wanted, he made me believe I could be happy when I always settled for being okay, he made it possible for my dreams to come true when I was continually stuck on the fairy tales. Dammit!
He gets the closure and all I get is the broken heart - ain't this a bitch?
Yeah, I said it. And it should make me feel somewhat better but all it does is instill the notion that I'm nothing but a waste of space, a waste of oxygen, a worthless five minutes of conception - I ain't shit and it took a man to crush my soul to make me finally know that its true. My mother would be so proud.
If only you knew
How much I do
Do need you
* * *
Song Credit:
"If Only You Knew" by Patti LaBelle
"Mr. Wrong" by CutiePie07
Author's Notes:
Basically, this is what it is - Writers Block is a BITCH! There are no other words to explain why its taking me so long to get a chapter up. lol. I'm sorry, though. I just had to force myself to watch LIVE in MSG (*NSYNC) like 3 times in the row right now to get this chapter up so forgive me if its horrible but its leading into more drama ahead. lol. I don't know when the next chapter will be up cause my WB is REALLY bad...I'm in a funk. Maybe reviews will help. lol. Love you guys! -Jelisha:)
Chapter Thirteen: "Mr. Wrong"
get out on your own girl
show him how
you can be strong girl
you don't need him now
run away, pretty girl
say so long - mr. wrong
run away
bye bye
"Mr. Wrong" by Sade
One of my favorite memories of my eldest sibling, Jade, is just her gentle presence - her soul was so timid, so fragile, that in many ways, I am like her but what separates us is that she gets the attention of anyone who comes in contact with her while I just occupy space; as children, Zora and I would constantly follow Jade everywhere she went and try to imitate her ways of speaking, her ways of walking, standing - basically anything to make us closer to her. I had followed Patrice around once upon a time but she got so annoyed with me and would usualy tell on me to our mother to get me away from her, and I never tried to mock Maria because she seemed "off" to me, not in a bad way, but I just knew that her common sense wasn't all there, if you know what I mean. But the thing about Jade is that she loved the company of her two younger sisters - Zora and her did most of the talking and I would stay behind the scenes and just watch my sister - I loved the way she would smile when she was in a conversation with someone because I knew that meant she really truly cared what the other person was telling her - my sister has one of the most photogenic smiles you'll ever come across, no lie.
It continually astounds me that Mabel has given birth to five very different women - none of us are the re-creation of our mother and I guess I should be grateful for this, well maybe Patrice can be a little bit like our mother at times...just don't let her know I said this. I think thats what probably disappoints my mother so much about her girls - as children, she witheld us the chance of finding out what our dreams were, she trapped us in with her lies and deceit and it had been this master plan of hers so that when we were adults, we would never stray from her...we would be moles of her; and now, we all have strayed away from her - she is truly left alone, now...well, she does have our father but I really don't think that my parents ever really loved one another.
From what I've been told from my older sisters (since I cannot learn anything from my parents), my parents were twenty-somethings still trying to find some sort of purpose in their life when they ran across one another through the streets of this small, secluded town - let me mind you that my mother resembled the late Princess Grace Kelly in her prime years and my father had this french, exotic thing going on about him so of course the physical attraction was there; two months into their little lovefest of lust and freedom...my mother became pregnant. I wonder now is this the moment that turned her warm heart into cold stone? Or has she truly always been this way? Anyway, I guess they were doing the "right" thing because three weeks after Jade was born, they were married; it wasn't like they didn't have a choice, but then when I think about it...if they had never married, most likely, I wouldn't have Maria, I wouldn't have Patrice, I wouldn't have Zora and more importantly...I wouldn't have Kyle. Me, on the otherhand? I sometimes wish my mother had gotten rid of me when I was just a fetus in her womb...so many times before she has said she wished she had done it, and I secretly wish she had done it, also. Horrible thing to say, right? But whats the point of being in existence if the people who are responsible for creating you don't even want you?
I'm pretty sure my father loves me and my sisters whole-heartedly - its just who he is; from the moment my mother started to have it out for me because of my looks and my weight? He secretly stayed in my corner of need, he was the one when Zora would be knocked out from a long day at school who would dry my tears at night and tell me to hold on, he was the one who continually let it be known that he loved me; thats another thing, my mother, I believe has never actually said those three words to anyone in our family...it just isn't said or even thought of. I never questioned her as to why because my father would make up for the love I lacked from her...but I still felt sorry for him, he was shackled down by a woman who did nothing but degrade him and have him lose all five of his daughters. But he'll never stand up to her - she's all he knows.
You're probably wondering why am I going on and on about my sisters and my parents, right? Its because I'm trying to drown out my focus on my sister, Maria, who is standing beside me, talking (like usual), as we stand in my new kindergarten class, getting my room together because school begins in about another week. I had wanted to do this on my own, to leave me to my thoughts but Maria insisted on coming along with me and since we've gotten here (which has been about an hour) she has talked my ear off about some guy she is trying to set me up on a blind date with. Now, you understand why I'm trying to ignore her?
I can't date. I wouldn't know the first thing about dating, I mean things went so well with Trace but thats because he felt more like a brother to me than anything else - but to be alone with someone I don't know at all? It gives me chills just to even comprehend it. I'm done with the men thing. I've had my first kiss, something I was so sure I would never get and I'm content on being by myself for the rest of my days. Don't feel bad for me, I know its for the best.
Okay, I know you're thinking it - what about Justin? I've kind of occupied my time lately by doing anything and everything to avoid my thoughts from him - we haven't spoke since that phone call and that was like, two weeks ago? At first, it was extremely hard - my body ached, my head pounded because so much of me wanted to just call him but I knew I shouldn't. I had no need to. And then I thought maybe if he really cared so much...he'll call me, right? Well, I was wrong. But now, I don't even seem to mind because this whole 'becoming a teacher' thing has gotten my entire attention and all I can do is pray I make impact on these young lives the best way I know how - blind date or Justin will have to wait.
Big improvement, huh? I guess I'm trying the independent thing - how can I be a teacher if I don't have any confidence within myself? So, I really am trying now, and spending time with my sisters everyday, and seeing how they cope with situations is slowly egging its way into my system, my memory. I need to imitate their ways of thinking, their ways of handling things.
"What happened to Jade coming down here?" I speak now, for the first time since we've gotten here - I just want to change the subject. Men and Sadie just don't mix well together.
Maria has a box full of crayons in her hands as she looks up at me now, her eyes glistening with happiness - she's always so perky, so full of life. Another trait she did not get from our mother. "I don't know," She chews on her bottom lip before placing the box on a brown wooden table beside her and proceeds to take the items out of the box and place them on the table. "I think she's stalling."
I glance up from my computer as I'm typing (I'm writing a welcome letter to all of the parents of my students) and my brows rise in question, "What would she do that for?"
Flipping her black hair from the front of her face, she shrugs her shoulders and leans her body against the table, sighing. "Its been a long time since she's been back home, Dee Dee...maybe, she's just scared to see how everything and everyone has changed."
I smirk and turn my attention back to my computer in front of me and resume typing - I enjoy silence, and I'm enjoying right now until my sister dives back in for the kill. "So, are you going to give Derek a shot or what?" I can immediately tell she is switching the tone of her voice from happy to pleading. Oh, God, please help me.
I don't know how to say no.
I swallow. "Um, I'm not so sure about that, Maria." I lick my lips, slowly. "School's 'bout to start and I just want to set all my thoughts on that...nothing else."
She sighs, loudly and I know she is doing this to get my attention so I glance her way to see she is studying me, hard. "Thats all you had to say, Sadie." She moves away from the table and moves to the front of my desk, her arms are now crossed in front of her chest and her head is cocked to the side, her long, silky black hair is flowing freely over her shoulders, sparkling in the sunlight emitting from the window. "But be honest, baby sis...you like somebody, huh?"
Just be cool, Sadie. Be cool. Lies have become me now. I am a liar, now. A big, fat liar and I mean this literally. I'm big. I'm fat. And, oh yes, I'm a liar, too. "U-Uh...I-I did." I speak honestly - techincally this is the truth because I did like Justin, and maybe I still do but I haven't really dwelled back into those feelings to be sure so the latter really doesn't count, right?
A smile slowly etches onto her tan features and she does a little shaking of the hips before coming to sit down beside me, making me extremely nervous. Please, just don't ask who it is. "I knew it!" She pokes me in the side where my ribs are and I gasp, softly. I hate that shit! Forgive me for saying this but if I've never liked it before...why do people think I will change my mind? "I mean, Patrice kept saying you were acting differently and I've noticed it, too."
Focus. "Acting differently?" I say, mumbling with distaste. I will kill Patrice. Okay, maybe I won't. But for sure she's going to hear from me.
She nods her head. "Nothing bad, babe." I let out a deep exhale of relief. "Its just you kept looking like anyone would when they get that first crush - all googly-eyed and shit." She's grinning like crazy now. "I'd thought you would tell me...," her eyes downcast sadly, "but I was obviously wrong."
Apologize, but still focus. "I didn't mean not to tell you, Maria." My eyes find hers and I smile, sympathetically - and this is when it hits me...I need to tell her the truth. Stop the lies. If I am trying something new then I need to start fresh - my sister comes before some stupid, high school crush. She'll understand, I mean, come on, its Maria! She understands as much as she can...for the moment, anyway.
Just tell her.
"It was Justin."
Silence.
More silence.
Even more silence.
Okay, I'm looking really stupid right now as I purse my lips together and watch as my sister's facial expression falls from happiness to something unknown - I've never truly seen Maria upset, it just isn't her, but there is a first time for everything and I need to hurry up and get out of this room before she explodes on me. Smart move, Sadie.
As I prepare myself to stand from my sitting position, her cough startles me and my eyes widen. I'm scared for my life. I think I'm going to pee in my panties. No joke. "You love him?" Her voice is clear and direct. I guess she means business.
Might as well continue to dig myself into a deeper hole. "I d-don't know what l-love is." I whisper.
Her eyes cut at me and she snorts. "Um, sure." She rolls her eyes and rocks her body from side to side. "I loved him." She states, simply.
My heart tears in two as I hear this. Well, this definitely kills any chance of me ever reconciling with the town junkie. I won't do this to my sister, I refuse. My eyes water. "I-I'm so sorry, Maria."
She scrunches her face and shakes her head. "Don't apologize for how you feel, Dee Dee." Shrugging her shoulders, she lets out a soft sigh. "I loved him 'cause there was possibility for us. He left to start his singing career and I was so sure we could work through that but as soon as he was gone, I knew I couldn't be that girl who waited on a musician to return to her. I wasn't cut out for that kind of relationship." She sucks on her bottom lip in thought, "It probably worked out for the best cause he ended up with Tyler and man, did he really fall for that girl."
I keep hearing this girl's name and yet I know background history on her - my sister is drawing me back into the world of Justin Timberlake and the not so surprising aspect of it all is that I'm letting her. "It goes farther than just a crush, Maria." I speak slowly now, finally knowing that I won't get anymore work done today. I'm just going to let her know the absolute, whole truth. "We kissed."
She giggles softly and rolls her eyes. "I figured." My eyes widened in confusion and she waves me off. "Justin never shies from acting on his feelings - if he wants something, he'll get it. Plain and simple." A smile teases her lips. "Now, before I go into how happy I am that you finally got that first kiss I need you to go ahead and tell me everything thats been going down between you and him."
I cock my head to the side. "You're not mad at me?"
She shrugs her shoulders. "No, not really. What him and I had was some high school shit...I'm so past it - now, if me and him had fucked...I would be pissed, but we didn't." As she tells me this, I really am surprised. "But, I just want you to be able to be honest with me cause the keeping secrets thing doesn't work well with this family, sis."
I nod my head and close my eyes briefly. Time to tell her everything from the very beginning. Here I go, again.
* * *
The warmth of her hand presses against my shoulder and my eyes find hers as she lies in the white bed, covered in pale sheets - her long, blonde hair is pulled away from her face and bags are so evident underneath her eyes as I know she is extremely tired and as my eyes find her lips, I instantly notice the frown. I was hoping for her touch to be joyous one, but instead, I know she is furious with me. But dammit! I should be furious with her! She keeps holding back from me, she keeps lying to me, she keeps stringing me alone and letting me be the last one to know whats really going on with her. What kind of relationship is this where there is no communication whatsoever, anymore?
I know maybe its time for us to let this thing go but I can't - I love her too damn much to do that.
"Hey, honey," I whisper softly and her green eyes stare at me in silence and unforgiving. I used to be able to just look her in the eyes and see everything that she is thinking but now, it feels like I don't know her at all. "Why didn't you tell me you were pregnant...again, baby?"
She coughs. And when I reach out to touch her face, she moves away, and I notice tears flowing down her pale cheeks now. She's hurting. "Why didn't you tell me about Crystal Edwards?" Her tone is soft but menacing as she tries to make herself more comfortable in the hospital bed.
Heat rushes to my cheeks as I try to think how could she have ever found out about that girl - it had only been one night and of course that doesn't excuse my actions but all I remember is getting pissy drunk one night, waking up the next morning and having someone that wasn't Tyler lying beside me, naked. I had kept this hidden mainly because I knew it would crush the woman I love, but more importantly, my shame of what I've done was overbearing my need to be honest with her. And as I look in her eyes now, so full of sadness, so full of hate...for me, all I can do is pinpoint the blame to her.
"You probably fell down the stairs on purpose, didn't you, Ty?" God, I'm such a dick. I'm such a fucking dick. But I can't stop myself. I need to get the center of attention off of my infedelity and focused in on the second child we've lost in the matter of less than a year. "You didn't want this baby...just like you didn't want the first one."
She closes her eyes and groans softly, her hands find her now empty stomach and she grips onto her skin tightly, upset. "You fucking bastard." She speaks this low and it breaks my heart as she breathes heavily and continues to cry. Why am I doing this to her? "I fell down those stairs 'cause of your stupid ass - I got that call telling me bout you and that girl and all I remember is fainting." Tyler opens her eyes and she glances down at the bulge in her stomach that once held our five month old baby. "Maybe the first time 'round I wasn't ready, but with this one...I loved my little girl, Justin. I love her and you took her away from me...away from us."
Tears cloud my vision as I lean my body against the railing of her bed and my lips begin to tremble with fear of losing the one person I've ever loved, the only person who has made me feel complete. "So, fuck you, okay? You cheat on me and now you have the blood of our daughter on your hands." I feel my walls slowly crumbling and I'm sinking to the ground now. She's destroying me just like I've destroyed her. "I won't let you hurt me anymore, Justin. You don't deserve me. You don't deserve anyone." She smirks, "Maybe she's better off dead...at least then she'll never know how incredibly pathetic her father is."
The alcohol burns my throat as it travels down as the memory flashes through my mind briefly and in an instant, its gone. I had forgotten that one. Its amazing what liquor does to the body - it makes a person face up to things that they try to keep hidden from the world. Don't worry, I'm not wasted - its my first swallow of Rum and I intend on making it my last as I lay my head against the cushions of Deena's black sofa.
Who's Deena?
She's my latest bitch I'm using to just fuck around with - no, seriously, she's an old songwriting partner of mine and I ended up at her house after staring at my lyrics notebook for too damn long. Usually we end up loosening up by getting mad wasted but I'm trying to resist the temptation of my little friend, alcohol, because like my mother has repeated in my head over and over again...I have to be the one to change, I have to be the one to make a difference in my lifestyle. So, I'm trying.
Now, Deena is on the floor, pen in hand, and she is writing furiously against the paper in her lap. I wish I had talents like her - you give her a word, a saying, anything and she can come up with a catchy tune in minutes. Deena has been there for me since my early days as trying to be some sort of musician - we grew up together and she was the only person I knew who had a huge talent for writing but didn't want anything in return but to just be recognized in her efforts. Me and her just clicked from day one. And surprisingly, its never been anything physical between us. Surprised? It isn't like I haven't tried because believe me, I have - but she just doesn't tolerate that kind of shit; she sees it this way - if we started off friends, no need to fuck things up by doing anything we'll regret. And I completely agree with her but sometimes, like right now, as I'm staring at her small petite frame - those plumped tits, thin waist, and wide hips, I just wish I could fuck her. Just one time is all I need.
But I will never disrespect Deena. She's not like the other women I've tried to fuck or have fucked - she's hardcore but a sweetheart to the bone. And more importantly, I love her, I do - and its truly platonic.
"Timberlake, get your dirty ass mind out of the gutter." She says now, her pen still running rapidly against her paper. I am continually amazed.
A chuckle escapes my lips as I stand from the sofa and head to her kitchen, looking for a plastic cup so I can get some water to ease my urge of some more Rum. "What're you talking 'bout, honey?" I say, sweetly, my blue eyes dancing with mischief.
Her dark brown eyes glance up from her writing briefly to give me a sloppy frown. "First, don't call me honey, you know better than that. Second, you know your ass was thinking 'bout tackling me and fucking my brains out. Am I wrong? If I am, let me know." She says this matter-of-factly.
I roll my eyes and give her the finger as my response and she takes this as her response to return to her writing. "Besides, what's going on with that Sadie chick?"
Oh, of course if anyone is friends with me...they know Trace - I figure thats how she knows about Sadie because Trace has a fucking motor mouth that just doesn't know how to shut the fuck up. Dumb ass little fucker. Wait 'till I get my hands on that stupid bitch. Anyway, I really haven't thought of Sadie since the last time we spoke and thats in all truth - this is how I am - if I'm through someone, I'm just done. No more rethinking the situation or going back and forth...I don't have time for that shit. And yeah, for a while I lost my mind and saw some potential in the girl and I but obviously I could not be more wrong.
I kind of come to the conclusion that my liking of Sadie had solely to do with my hidden feelings for my ex, Tyler; maybe I was trying to heal some old wounds of the past by starting anew with Sadie but I should've known that the shit would never work out. I'm doomed in relationships, I'm doomed in love, really.
"Nothing is 'on' between us." I say now as I return to the living room with water in hand. "Thought something was there but like usual, my ass is just way off base."
Deena smirks and finally places down her pen and paper on the empty space beside her on the floor. "Well, you're not a woman so of course your ass is gonna be off base." She shakes her head, "But to just cut past all the bullshit - you were somebody before, you were some real shit before but now you're all fucked up, babe."
Wow, thanks for that. I frown. "That hurt, Deena."
Of course she doesn't give a fuck. "Whatever." She licks her lips. "You need to get your shit together before you decide to bug the shit out of some chick," I widen my eyes and she purses her lips together. "Ah, come on! You act like you don't be no bug a boo...and you know thats bullshit cause you be all up on these bitches, but thats beside the point - just get your shit together cause right now you're all wrong to be trying to be in a relationship with somebody."
My eyebrows rise in question. "I'm wrong?" Okay, its time for me to leave.
She snorts. "Did I stutter, little meat?" When I open my mouth to speak, she laughs and throws her lyrics paper at me and stands from her sitting position. "I'm just fucking with you, darling - you know I loves you so much!" She moves to me and wraps her arms around me, lovingly and I know she means well but sometimes the way she says things still aches my heart. She really can get underneath my skin. "This girl...Sadie? She'll still be around after you get yourself together."
I roll my eyes. Yeah, whatever. I'm done with Sadie Kennedy. But I do wonder would she want me if she knew I wasn't the same man she met so long ago - if she knew I was going to change? I shake my head. What do I care? I'm through with her. "Um, I guess - but ummm, whats the first thing I need to do to get back right again, Deena?"
She smiles and pushes me towards her recording studio. I know she's happy because she's getting her way but internally I'm scared as shit - its time to get my shit together as my friend put it but my fear is that the man I once was is gone for eternity - that man died when Tyler left, or maybe he's just taking a long ass vacation...whatever the case may be, its time to move on. Time to become a man. Time to be happy, again. But the love shit? I'm done with that. I just want to be happy again, thats all I need.
"Sing, boy, sing."
* * *
"We Can Be New" by CutiePie07
Author's Notes:
Well, here it is. I hope you like it. I'll try to have something up before the end of this week cause after that I'm gonna be entirely too busy. I'm out of writers block and this is solely thanks to Justin on the VMAs and the HBO concert. Can you say 'yummy'? lol. I love him. lol Anyway, I hope you enjoy it - its bout to get heated. -Jelisha :)
Chapter Fourteen: "We Can Be New"
"I did three things today; miss you, miss you, and miss you."
Source: Unknown
Can you tell that I've been hurt so?
Can you tell I wanna lay low?
Can you tell that I'm a flower
waiting for a sunshower?
Can you tell that love denied me?
I need someone to revive me
If you give me a reason,
I'll be with you through the seasons
"We Can Be New" - Amel Larrieux
There comes a time in a girl's life that if given the chance, she stops thinking like a child and starts welcoming the presence of a maturing young woman - at least thats what I hear...but right now, thats not the case with me - I don't want to be twenty-two, I don't want to be a teacher and I don't want the ever pressing issue of dating on my hands. I stare into his deep pool of green eyes and find myself disbeliving that it is me that he is on date with, it is me he can't stop smiling at, it is me who is holding his hands right now. When did I become attractive to the opposite sex? Ever since this "thing" happened with Justin - I find men whistling as I walk pass on the sidewalk...something I will never get used to - I'm still the same girl, still overweight and obsessed with the notion that I'm meant to be by myself for eternity. But as this man before me continues to gaze upon me like I'm the most important thing in sight, I secretly wonder if maybe God has a different plan for me. Maybe he's telling me I deserve someone just like the lucky women in those fairy tale movies?
Nope, it can't be.
"Sadie," His deep groggy voice causes my heart to jump and I'm startled because I love the way my name tumbles from his lips so gingerly, so delicately. I'm infatuated with just the presence of his voice. I can't force myself to speak because I am at a loss for words. Who knew blind dates could be so fun?
Okay, I did give in to my sister - I wanted her to shut up so bad that I agreed to do this whole blind date thing with her friend, Derek. I was so sure that once he saw me, he'd go running for the hills but just like I've been a lot lately, I was so wrong. The first moment I stepped into the restuarant - you'd think I had some sort of sign across my forehead that read 'fat woman on a blind date' because Derek appeared by my side within seconds - the thing I noticed first about this man is his smile - its contagious. You know I'm not exactly the most easygoing around the opposite sex but things seem less tense when he smiles, because in those fleeting moments, I am at ease.
I really don't remember most of things we've discussed over the course of this date which has lasted almost two hours, what I do know is that I'm hungry as hell - I don't want him to see how much of a hungry pig I am so I've only ate a salad and some sort of sushi appetizer (thats disgusting, by the way). I fear that if I eat anything else, my stomach will return to its natural state and I will bust out of these tightfitting jeans, seeing how I can hardly breathe as it is.
He isn't the most attractive man I've ever seen, but who am I to judge? But those green eyes of his can make a woman go weak at the knees if he played his cards right. I know this much about him - he's twenty-five, single, in nursing school, and he's looking to settle down now. I hope he doesn't think I might be a good candidate to settle down with because he's sadly mistaken.
I have to admit that this date is such a good distraction from my ever intruding thoughts of Justin - I have to admit that I do miss him. It just astounds me that when I didn't want to see him, didn't want to be near him, I was steadily running into him and now...I still haven't seen him since we last spoke. My sisters don't see what I see in him - I know this man has the potential to be something great, he just needs someone in his corner to give him that extra push, that extra nudge. I don't speak of him anymore but I know Zora figures he is on my mind because everytime my phone rings, I jump to see who is calling and then I'm let down so damn much when I see it isn't him. Maria seems more supportive, she tries to bring him up in our conversations now but I change the subject so fast that she gets the idea that I would rather not talk about him...and then there is Patrice - she doesn't care, at all.
Shame on me - here I am, on this incredible date with a very nice man and my mind can only focus on another man. Shame on me. I lick my glossy lips slowly and take a deep breath, "I'm sorry...what were you saying?"
Derek Simmons has the most cutest dimples you'll ever see. He cocks his head to the side and clamps his hands together in excitement. "I was just saying did you want to take a walk around the park after this?" His eyes seem hopeful, happy, even.
He still wants to continue this date? Blush rises to my cheeks and my trembling hands reach my hair and I twirl a strand of it in between my fingers, nervously. "O-Of course I do." I speak, truthfully. My heart is pounding in my ears but I try to block out the images of Justin in my mind as I enjoy this so very rare moment.
In this moment...I am wanted by another. Nothing feels my soul more.
* * *
"First kiss?" I ask, my hand squeezing his just a bit as he guides to a wooden bench in the middle of the park. The street lights are out now and my eyes wander over to the lake before us and I'm amazed at how the moonlight hits the water so perfectly.
Licking his lips quickly, he closes his eyes as if in thought. "Um, ninth grade." He lets go of my hand to instead wrap his arm around my shoulders, drawing me closer to his body warmth and I'm not fidgety, in fact, I welcome it. "Not really one of my proudest moments so I rather not get into it...you?"
Of course he would ask me. Should I lie and make it seem like I'm some sort of experienced flirt and that I am way ahead of most women or should I just tell him the truth and have him laugh in my face? Either way it goes, I'm pathetic. "A few weeks ago."
A look of shock is shown upon his features and my heart drops. I'm such a loser. Who gets kissed for the first time at twenty-two? God, no wonder Justin wanted to leave me alone...he even knew I was so damn pathetic. "Really?" I nod my head slowly and a smile etches its way onto his features and my brows raise in question. Is he happy that I'm some sort of loser or something. "Simple things like that must be really important to you, huh?"
I turn my gaze away from his and purse my lips together in thought. I'm just going to speak from my heart - who cares if I make a fool of myself? "First kisses aren't simple - they're something thats supposed to be sacred, intimate...something you don't regret."
Derek chuckles and I look to him, skeptically. I know I sounded like an idiot but he doesn't have to laugh in my face. So rude. "So...thats a yes." He says this matter-of-factly, and his grip around me grows tighter as he leans his body against mine even more than before - my hands begin trembling with fear. "I want to ask you something, Miss Sadie, but before I do, I need to know this...are you still involved with the lucky guy who got to kiss you first?"
He thinks Justin is lucky for kissing me? Blush once again reaches my cheeks and a smile unknowingly etches its way onto my features as I breathe deeply - anxiety is working its way into my essence as of now; when did I become so lucky in the men department? Trace, then Justin and now this adorable man, Derek Simmons who refuses to look at anything else but me tonight. I should be happy, I should rejoice, a part of me wants to do those things but I know I won't be able to do it and actually mean it. Like I said before, I miss Justin. I will only admit this to myself but...I still do want him. My heart wants what it wants and I know its sad that I'm yearning for someone who doesn't care for me at all but that doesn't change how my soul fills up with happiness when I think of him.
Oh, how I wish it was him beside me right now.
The chance of Justin and I ever becoming close again is slim to none and I need to direct my attention elsewhere...I need to focus on this man before me and just let this weird rollercoaster of events continue to happen to me; I'm just a simple girl who has never experienced what love is firsthand and maybe, this is my chance. I smirk. This is God's sign to me. He has sent this man to me to not only have me move on but to finally explore a true relationship. I need to open my heart and it is now that I'm willing to be the woman I was supposed to be all along.
Crossing my legs, I place my hands in my lap and I notice my trembling has ceased. "No, thats over...so over." I speak clearly, my eyes roaming over his strong, masculine features until I find myself staring at his long, black hair. So long, so thick, so beautiful.
Yeah, he's a heartbreaker.
His green eyes dance with what I can only assume is joy and he places his free hand over my own, grinning. "Wow," He breathes out deeply and he chuckles softly, "You don't know how happy I am to know that."
Now his hand has moved from my lap to my face, his fingers roam over my cheek sending a body warmth to me that I haven't felt since that night with Justin - I close my eyes briefly wondering secretly if tonight will I be lucky enough to get another perfect kiss from the possible "right" guy this time around? Hopeful thinking, I guess. "You are?" I whisper gently, my heart pounding in my ears.
"I like you, Miss Sadie." His groggy voice reaches my soul now as he says this and I can't help but laugh out loud with glee at the notion that someone likes me, anyone...likes me?!
Tears reach my eyelids but I am only happy now as I shiver when he brings his lips to my cheek and kisses me briefly there, I am only happy when he hovers over my lips, breathing deeply...I am only happy when he closes his eyes and dips his head lower to capture my mouth with his own, I am only happy as I close my own eyes and allow myself to be sucked into this moment...this perfect moment when thoughts of no one else but him and I plague my mind.
* * *
"Get that shit out of my damn face," Deena says this low, her voice menacing as she pushes my latest effort of songwriting out of her reach. I sink lower into the cushions of her couch and glance over at Trace who is steadily talking on his cell phone to some dumb bitch who doesn't know how much of a loser my best friend is. You can kind of figure that I'm not in such a good mood today.
Deena has been riding my ass on writing my songs for the past couple of days - she figures I'm not singing from my heart because I'm not feeling what I'm singing...which is complete bullshit. Maybe its just I don't feel like jumping back into the studio yet, maybe it brings back too many memories of things I'd rather forget, maybe Deena is just fucking stupid out of her damn mind. But I won't tell her this.
"Now, J, I love you, but honey, this shit is horrible." She says now as she moves to her keyboard and begins playing some random key. "Remember when we were kids and words would just flow out of your ass like you were taking a shit?" Yeah, Deena has a way of making things sound so fucking magical.
Rolling my eyes, I cross my arms in front of my chest. "Yeah, I 'member, Deena." She smiles at me and I frown. "Back then, I was in love and had something to write about. Do you remember that?"
She groans in annoyance. Tyler grew up with all of us but Deena and her never really got along. I've known Deena longer than I knew Tyler but it wasn't that Deena didn't like my new chubby neighbor, it had more to do with Tyler feeling intimidated by my close friend. I've said this before and I'll say it again - Deena is a knockout. And she knows it too, but she's not jaded like most girls who are too into their looks instead her outer appearance makes her strive even harder to be taken seriously.
When Tyler left me, I always assumed Deena would probably be the only one on my side since she didn't really click with Tyler - I was so fucking wrong. If anything, Deena laid it on me on how much of an ass I was to the love of my life more than anyone else - she didn't feel sorry for me each night that I called her crying because my heart was breaking in two. She didn't even seem phased when she first saw snort coke - you can never truly be sure how Deena is feeling unless she speaks because her face stays hard and cold like stone...except when she decides to smile, her whole presence changes when she smiles. She becomes one of the most beautiful women you'd ever see - she reminds me of Halle Berry/Alicia Keys, a mixture of the two, so you know my girl is someone to be reckoned with.
I always wondered why she hasn't shacked up with anyone yet. Men flock to my girl like moths to a flame but she just shies aways from the opposite sex choosing to instead focus on her schooling and her music. Back when I used to be the nice, up-standing guy, I'd try and set her up with all sorts of guys and then I figured she must be gay so I tried to hook her up with this girl...thinking back on this now, it was probably the worst beating I've ever received from any female. Let me just say that Deena is nowhere near close to being a lesbian.
"Ah, save the sappy story for someone who really cares." Her brown eyes squint down on me in frustration. "If anything, the most inspiration should come from your many nights of fucking random bitches and smoking the pipe." She snorts. "That's whats real, J...not some bullshit 'bout how you lost your love. Get over it."
Trace moves his eyes from Deena and then back to me before deciding he wants to stay completely out of this and to make sure he does, he goes into Deena's bedroom and shuts the door behind him. Pussy. "Its not that easy, Deena!" I speak up now, my eyes widen at how rough my tone is but I just need her to understand that I can't confront those demons yet. If I try too soon, I might relapse like I did just a month ago and Sadie Kennedy isn't here to save me from my destruction if I do it again so I'd rather try to avoid it.
She rolls her eyes and moves her hands away from her keyboard. "You're making excuses, J." She runs her fingers through her thick honey brown 'fro before standing from the stool she's occupying and places her hand on her left hip, staring me down. "I know you miss Tyler but the only one to blame for losing her is your damn self and now you want to sing 'bout losing her?" She shakes her head quickly, firmly. "No, you need to sing about losing your own self. Thats where the healing starts - when you deal with your mistakes."
I stand from my sitting positon on the couch and purse my lips together in thought. I won't let her know that she's right, cause I know she is. I'm just terrified of trying to open that door again, of trying to become that man I used to be before I became so worthless, so useless. I sigh. And then run my hands over my unshaved face and as I do this, Deena snorts.
"And please shave. You look like those homeless guys on the street who carries 'Need Food' signs on their asses." She pats me on my shoulder, "And get your hair cut cause if you're gonna do the curly 'fro thing again, well...nevermind, if you do that shit again, I will personally kick your ass." Her smile makes me feel at ease.
"Are you my designer now or something?" I ask, teasingly.
Deena scoffs. "Fuck being the designer, I'm your angel. Don't you stray too far from me anymore, all right? I gotta make sure my boy stays on track from now on."
My heart warms as she says this because I know she means it from her heart. Thats the thing about Deena - she doesn't lie. Its always the truth - either you can deal with it or you can go fuck yourself, basically. And amongst all of the bullshit I deal with daily - she's like a breath of fresh air. I don't know why its taken so long for me to go back and visit the one person who I know will be completely honest with me no matter what the circumstance is (well, the second person coming behind my mom). I think that the during my many years of fucking, drinking and snorting coke - she let me go on for so long because she knew I'd have to pay for my mistakes later on.
I truly do love this woman in front of me. I take her hand in mine and squeeze. A rush of heat runs through my body now and I close my eyes briefly as I take a deep breath and open my eyes to see Deena, smiling. She knows me. She knows what to do before I have a chance to even speak.
Letting go of my hand, she moves back to her keyboard and begins playing random keys until I move beside her and close my eyes, trying to synch myself into the mood - so long since I felt that rush.
The rush to sing, the rush to write, the rush to do anything useful. Its consuming me whole as tears reach my eyes and lips begin trembling - singing has always been this emotional ride for me. I can hear Deena groaning with inpatience and I smirk. I miss this - I miss being the most inspired when she is by my side and I'm driving her crazy with ever slow ways of singing things off the top of my head. I really do miss it.
"Oh, God, come on!" She yelps. I glance down to her to find her staring at me in amusement. I know she's just playing with me but still. And as she opens her mouth to speak again, I find words tumbling from my lips ever so quickly.
Hi my name is Bob and I work at my job
I make forty-some dollars a day
I used to be the man in my hometown
'til I started to lose my way
A wide grin dances across Deena's features as she jumps around in her stool, excitedly as silent tears fall down my face. Best feeling I've felt in a long while. "Ah, my boy's back." She smirks. "We've missed you."
* * *
"I like him, Auntie Sadie," Kyle is saying this to me now as I stuff my face with some potato chips - I'm spending a nice evening at the house with my nephew seeing as how my sister asked me to watch him as she went out on another date with the mystery guy. I know she's waiting for the perfect time to bring him home so that he can meet Kyle because you can't just bring anybody around little children. They have a tendency to get too attached. And I think I just made the mistake of doing just that.
Derek and I had such a wonderful time together the night before that when he called to spend time with me tonight, I invited him over without thinking about the consequences. And now, for the past hour and a half, him and Kyle has been playing some SpongeBob game on Kyle's Playstation. I don't know if I made the right decision but I kind of figure that Derek isn't like the other half of the male population - he actually has a good heart.
I glance up from my infatuation with the television series Friday Night Lights to stare into my nephew's hazel eyes and a smile falls upon my lips, unknowlingly. "You do?"
He nods his head quickly and glances behind him to see if Derek is anywhere in sight. "He told me he likes you too, Auntie Sadie."
Heat rushes to my cheeks and I immediately place the bag of chips to my side as I wipe the greasy salt from my lips and sigh with happiness. "Thanks for letting me know that, kiddo."
Kyle moves closer to me and grabs my hand, "I'm gonna protect you." He whispers this.
I want to laugh. But all I can do is smile because of how much love I'm overwhelmed with when it comes to my six year-old nephew. I never thought it was possible to love someone as much as I love him. My heart is so full right now that I can barely breathe. "I know you are, kiddo. Love you." I ruffle his black hair as he runs back to his room and I'm left alone to my thoughts.
My cell phone vibrates beside me and I quickly glance to see who is calling and my heart jumps when I notice it is Trace - I haven't spoken to him in forever and my worry takes a hold of my body. Did something happen to him? Did something happen to Justin? Fear envelopes my body whole as I quickly answer the phone. "Hello?"
I hear his soft laughter and I'm immediately put to ease. Maybe he's just calling to see how I've been, after all, we're supposed to be friends. "Sadie? Hey! How've you been?"
I curl my legs beneath myself and glance at the television screen, I guess my show is just going to have to wait another night. "I've been good, Trace. What's going on with you?"
A woman's voice can be heard in the background and I raise my brows in question when I hear her blantantly cursing someone out. "Um, is now a bad time?" I ask, worried.
Trace's laughter once again erupts over the line and I immediately recognize the next voice. "Shut the fuck up, bitch!" I would be worried by Justin's tone but I can tell he is just playing because he also begins to laugh. "I'm talking to you, Trace, you dumbass fuck!"
Trace chooses to ignore him and my heart melts at the sheer happiness I hear in Justin's voice. I'm glad for him. But still...the aching in my heart hurts so much. "Its cool, Dee Dee - J is just getting put on blast by Deena, nothing new."
Deena? Who the hell is Deena? My heartbeat quickly begins to speed up and my lips become dry. I should've known it wouldn't take long for Justin to find someone else to use and manipulate, I mean, I've moved on so why wouldn't he? Techincally, he never moved on when I wasn't someone he was interested in the first place. "Oh, okay." I say, softly - my guard is up now.
"I was calling to invite you to this get together I'm having at the poetry club this Thursday." I can hear the smile in his voice. He's so damn happy. "Deena and I are gonna see if he's truly ready...Justin's performing." It is now completely quiet in the background and I wonder if Justin knows who Trace is talking to right now or if he does know...does he care? Probably not since he has Deena now.
I've never even heard Justin sing and I would jump at the chance but it'll be too awkward with me being there and we both agreed to leave one another alone - obviously the guy is done with me so why should I waste my time in going there?
And then it hits me - Trace is inviting me because he knows Justin needs support to do this -something he hasn't done in so long and he needs to know he has someone in his corner. And I told him I would always be there and I don't go back on any promises that I make to anyone. I lick my lips as I watch Derek enter the room, his green eyes dancing with mischief as he leaves over and places a soft kiss on my cheek, warming my low spirits just a bit.
I place my phone on mute and glance to this man who has made me feel so alive in just a matter of a few days. I owe Maria a lot. "What're you doing on Thursday night?"
He shrugs his broad shoulders and crosses his arms in front of his chest. "Whatever you're doing, babe."
A chuckle slips from my lips as I'm not used to such affection and I push loose strands of my hair away from my face as I try to hide the almost empty bag chips away from his view. I'm still not comfortable with him seeing me be a pig but one day I know he'll be exposed to this without me being able to do anything about it. "Oh...um, I was going ask you to come with me to this poetry club thing cause a friend of mine is performing...I mean, if y-you want to."
Derek kneels over me and places soft kisses along my jawline before whispering softly, "I'd love to."
I blush. Placing my phone off of mute, I bring the phone back to my ear. "You still there, Trace?"
"Yeah, hon, I'm here." He says this low as I now can hear Justin in the background again but this time around - he's talking to Trace...about me! My heart begins to pound violently once again and I lick my lips, nervously. "Dee, Justin wants to holler at you for a sec, is that okay?"
Be cool. "Thats fine." I whisper. I'm going to pee in my pants.
Derek is watching me curiously now. "Hey, Sadie." His light voice is so clear, so smooth and so...calm. I haven't seen him or spoken to him in so long but I know something's different about him. I just know.
I close my eyes. "Hi." This is all I can muster out.
His breathing is heavy over the line. "I've been meaning to call you." I bet you have, you liar. "I just got...caught up is all."
I roll my eyes now. "Listen, I'm happy that you're singing again and I'll be there to cheer you on." I say, quickly.
I can hear the smile in his voice. What is he smiling about? Where is his precious Deena? "Thanks, Sadie but there's something else I want to talk to you about - I was w-"
I scoff. "I'll see you then, okay? I gotta go." I hang up my phone before he can respond - its better this way...I can't dwell on Justin anymore, it brings no good to my soul.
Derek eyes me. "Is everything all right?"
I nod my head and smile up at him. Here is my future. Here is my prince. Here is my fairy tale. "Everything's just fine."
And it will be.
* * *
Song credit:
"Losing My Way" - You know who it is. lol.
"Talk to Her" by CutiePie07
Author's Notes:
Another chapter so soon? lol. Loved the feedback and I just got inspired by an idea for this chapter...even though it didn't ended up the way I thought it would but still...I'm happy!! :) Love the fb, it fuels my writing so keep it coming. Love you guys! -Jelisha:)
Chapter Fifteen: "Talk to Her"
"Feelings are like glass, they can be covered up, changed and even destroyed, but like glass feelings are better when they are made clear."
Source: Unknown
Now when you go to her
Speak truthfully
Honest as you can be from your heart
You're in a situation
But you're losing patience
Take your time and look her in the eyes
When you just can't find the words you want
And it's hard to reach a point
Where you both can understand
Don't just tell the truth
But tell the whole truth
It'll make a better man out of you
"Talk to Her" - India Arie
What have I gotten myself into? I don't think I'm able to do this - I can't do it! I'm not strong enough to walk into that place tonight and see...him. I don't have enough willpower to do something like this - I mean, I do want to see Justin succeed, trust me, I do, but I'm not capable of hiding my feelings for him anymore. I can't pretend everything is just peachy keen between us and how fair am I being towards Derek if I go with him to this thing tonight? Derek still has no clue that we're going to see the man who made me believe that fairy tales are true - and I won't tell him the short history between Justin and I but I don't even know how I'm going to play this off without looking like a complete idiot.
Running my fingers through my thick spirals of curls, I sigh - this is the first time I've ever spent more than twenty minutes trying to do something to my hair. For some reason, I feel the need to try to make myself feel more confident by trying at least the attempt to be pretty (far stretched, right?); thats the thing though, I'm not good with the whole 'getting ready' thing that us females do so I asked Patrice and Maria for their help and now I'm kind of regretting my decision of asking these two to come over here. They are wrecking my last nerve with all this arguing that they're doing. I wish they would just shut up.
I stare at myself in my full length mirror and turn sideways, sizing my body up with distaste, I groan. I look an absolute mess - I'll admit I've lost a couple of pounds since I've moved back down here but I credit this to me starving myself from truly letting myself be full when I eat anything; I realize men have some kind of power over me, they have a way of making me forget to eat, in fear that I will disgust them - since I've started hanging out with Derek on a daily basis, I know I haven't been anything but salads and whole wheat bread. Anyway, yeah, I lost a few pounds but I'm still seeing those white tiny stretchmarks lining across my navel and my cellulite is so apparent to the eye that I absolutely refuse to wear anything that doesn't go below my knees.
"I can't do this," I mumble to myself, as I stare at my reflection in the mirror - the only thing I can say positive about my appearance is...well, I can't find anything good to say about the way I look. I don't think I'll ever be content with I look. I shake my head, trying to force my gaze away from my chubby self. "Oh, I really can't do this."
Maria is in my closet, searching for anything decent that I can wear but I know I have nothing - I dress like a nun, no, seriously, I do - everything goes past my ankles almost and I'm always wearing long-sleeved shirts except for the days my sisters try to make me into somebody I'm just not...pretty. Patrice moves to stand beside me and shoves an outfit into my hands and her brows rise in question, "Try that on, all right?"
My eyes fall to the material in my hands and my head shakes immediately, I won't wear this, I refuse. "Um, I don't think this is a good idea." I mutter quietly, as my eyes lock with my sister beside me and she scoffs.
"Um, well, I do." She crosses her arms in front of her chest and waits for me to make any sort of movement of putting this slutty crap on my flesh. "Am I going to have to force you to put the shit on, Dee Dee? I don't like waiting - come on." She nudges me roughly in my side and I stumble slightly.
Thanks, sis.
Groaning with annoyance, I place the material over my head and I pull it down over my wide frame, knowing full well I will look a complete mess - as I situate myself in the silky black dress, I turn my eyes to the mirror. And I smirk. Okay, maybe I was wrong. I look...somewhat acceptable to the visible eye. The off the shoulder black dress hugs tightly against my chest but flows freely at my waist, a tiny slit is on the left side of the dress and it stops right at my knees - I smile now. Patrice whistles with pleasure.
"Do I have good taste or what? Derek will get a boner for sure tonight." My eyebrows rise in confusion.
A boner? What is she talking about? I guess thats something good cause she's smiling, yeah, it must be good.
Maria sighs, loudly - making her distaste known as she steps back into my room, upset. "You didn't even try on what I got you!" She stomps her foot into the ground, adamantly, "Sadie, thats not fair and you know it!"
Oh, Lord, here we go...again.
Patrice scoffs. "Let me see what you got." I look to her in surprise, usually she is quick to say some crude comment but right now she's smiling and walking over to Maria, taking the halter top and leather mini skirt from her hands. Patrice chuckles, "Only hookers wear this shit, Maria."
Maria appears offended as she snatches the outfit from Patrice and rolls her eyes. "This is mine, Patrice."
I turn my head as heat rushes to my cheeks and I want to laugh but I'm trying to fight it cause I know it'll only hurt Maria's feelings even more now - Patrice doesn't hold back her amusment as laughter erupts from her lips, her face turns with red as she leans on to me for support. "My point exactly."
Maria opens her mouth to speak but then closes it abruptly, instead choosing to stomp out of my room with anger. I want to go after her and apologize for Patrice's actions but I know it'll do no good unless I actually wear what she wants me to - and I just can't do that. "That was mean, Pat." I whisper, my voice low.
"I'm being me, Sadie - I'm mean."
I shake my head. I don't have time to go back and forth with her as my eyes glance over to the alarm clock beside my bed - Derek is supposed to be here in thirty minutes and I still need to choose what shoes to wear and try to do something to my face. I lick my lips quickly and force thoughts of seeing Justin out of my mind.
"Come on and help me with my makeup." My voice is low as I move to my bathroom and Patrice follows close behind me.
She's still smiling. "I'm 'bout to hook you the fuck up."
* * *
My nerves are getting the best of me now - I'm numb to my surroundings and I don't realize whats going on around me until I feel the flesh of Derek against me - leaning my body against him, I glance around the small, cramped jazz club; I still haven't seen any signs of Justin or Trace since I've gotten here and I'm wondering if this was some big hoax they're playing on me. If so, I don't find any part of it funny.
"Have I already told you how nice you look tonight?" Derek's speaking to me now and I don't glance his way as I nod my head. Yeah, you have...three times already. I know I should be smitten with his compliments but now they're just annoying the crap out of me. My mind is elsewhere - my mind is on how exactly I'm going to react when I come face to face with Justin. I brought Derek along hoping he'll distract me but if anything, I really wish he'd go away. I'm a horrible person, right? I know I am - but I can't help it...I like him, I really do but these feelings I'm having for another man are growing stronger each passing day; how exactly do you get over someone you never had in the first place? I'm not the type to use anyone and I won't start now...maybe, I need closure. I nod my head. Yeah, thats what it is...if I get closure tonight with Justin then I'm free to move on with Derek.
I grin. Its feel good to know I've got everything worked out. My eyes wander to the stage and then to the side and my grin widens, I see Trace looking behind the curtains, searching for someone in particular. My heartbeat increases as I stand from my sitting position and fight the urge to roll my eyes when Derek begins to stand along with me, I place my hand up to stop him. "I see my friend in the back," He nods his head as if he understands and I wink my eye at him. I'm still getting used to interacting with the opposite sex on such an intimate level. "I'll be right back, okay?" I don't wait for him to respond as I am already making my way to the sidestage.
I'm so damn nervous - sweat beads are forming on my forehead and I'm praying it doesn't mess up my mascara or light bronze eyeshadow. Trace's brown eyes finally find me and my anxiety subsides, slightly as he envelopes my frame into his own - I rest my head in the crook of his neck and inhale his strong aroma. He smells good. I've missed him.
He pulls me behind the curtain and now I'm in the hallway of what I'm guessing is the backstage - people are running around, getting ready, and I feel somewhat out of place with what I'm wearing when I notice Trace has on a baggy T-shirt and some jeans. Yeah, I really don't know how to dress for the occasion. He stares at me in silence for a minute or two and I'm worried he's disgusted by my flabby arms - I know I've worn something to cover these ugly things up! I'm so stupid...so stupid.
He takes my hand in his and guides me down the hallway, "You look great, babe," His voice is cheery, happy. And I can't help but feel warm inside. I want him to be happy. "I thought you weren't going to make it."
I shake my head. "I wasn't going to miss this." I say, low as my eyes fall over to Justin's mother, Lynn and a very, petite, attractive black woman - they're standing in front of black door leading into what I can only assume the room Justin is in. Here goes nothing....
"Sadie!" I'm startled as Lynn sees me and pushes Trace out of the way so she can embrace me. I've missed her, too. "Its so good to see you, honey."
Pulling back from our embrace, my eyes twinkle. "Its good to see you, too." I let out a deep breath and this is when the black woman moves beside Lynn, studying me closely, looking over my body, making me feel extremely uncomfortable.
"She's okay, Deena." Trace says, laughing.
Apparently this is funny to him. My eyes widen slightly - so this is Deena? Even though I'm sort of afraid of her right now, I have to admit...she's really beautiful - her caramel complexion shines brightly underneath the lights above us and her deep, chestnut brown eyes seem to sparkle with mischief - her hair is done in a small afro but it suits her round, oval shaped face, all I can think is why is her wide eyes staring at me like that? Like she wants to kill me.
Lynn pinches Deena in the side, playfully. "Be nice." She whispers and I'm not sure if I was supposed to hear that or not.
Yes, please be nice, Deena, please.
Her stone cold features suddenly breaks into a soft smile and she cocks her to the side, eyeing me, gently. "Don't be scared, girl, I'm just bullshitting with you." She winks at Trace and nods her head and my eyebrows rise in question. What was that about? I feel like I want to go back to Derek...right now. "Deena is my name and I'm sorry I didn't meet you when my two friends were being a complete jackass to you - I would've kept them in check."
Ah, this makes sense now. A weak smile etches onto my frightened features. "So, you and Justin are just friends?"
Deena squints her eyes at me and chuckles softly, nodding her head. "Uh, yeah." She playfully nudges Trace in his shoulder and cuts her eyes at me. "We're all friends..why you worried about me and Jay though?"
I can't believe I thought she was his girlfriend - I didn't even know the girl and I had already pass judgement on her. I was so wrong. I feel like an idiot. I lick my lips quickly and I glance around me to see all of three of these people are staring at me with smiles on their faces. "Whats wrong?" I ask, worried.
Lynn wraps her arounds my shoulders drawing me into her watermelon scent. "Ah, you like my baby, honey?"
Heat rushes to my cheeks as I bury my face in my hands and shake my head, quickly. I will deny this to my grave! "Lynn, its not like that. I mean, I do like Justin...as a friend, I do." I say, low, afraid Justin will hear me.
Deena rolls her eyes. "You're lying." How can she just say something like that? She doesn't know me! I look away from her strong gaze - she's making me uneasy.
Trace shrugs his shoulders as if he doesn't care. "Come on, Sadie - I think the man of the hour would like to see you." I want to throw up on Deena.
I decide now that I still don't like her. She's out to destroy me. I follow behind Trace as he opens the door in front of us and I timidly step into the room. My breath is caught in my throat as I see him standing in front of the mirror messing with his short, brown curls. God, I don't ever remember him looking this good. He's shaved and he has some sort of tan going on and I don't remember him being that tall or maybe I just never really paid it any attention before - and then there is his eyes. They're so light, so clear, so blue...so happy. I've never seem him this happy. My heart begins to fill up with warmth.
He doesn't seem to see me yet, he only notices Trace as he smiles at his reflection. "Dude, I can't believe I let Deena cut my hair." He runs his fingers through his barely there curls and groans with displeasure. "I look like a little kid."
Trace smirks. "Shit, anything is an improvement from how you were looking before."
Justin immediately turns around, ready to confront his best friend and then his eyes land on me. And I want to die. I'm so damn scared, again. I nervously cross my arms in front of my chest and I try to fight the urge to not look into his deep blue eyes but I can't help it - they're hypnotic. I wonder whats going through his mind right now. I wonder if he's regretting me being here. I wonder does he think I look like some fat pig in this stupid dress? What was I thinking? I lick my glossy lips with anxiety and take a deep breath, trying to settle my fears but it does nothing for me.
I wish he'd stop looking at me like that. I don't know what's thinking as his eyes roam over my body - why does everyone feel the need to size me up? I know I'm fat! Do they think I can't see them looking at me like I'm some kind of monster or something? Well its now, that I notice his tight-fitting white T-shirt and loose blue jeans that hug his hips perfectly. God, he does look amazing! Maybe he looks so better because he got rid of me and chubby ways? I smirk. I wouldn't be surprised if this is the truth.
Trace breaks the silence, annoyed. "Um, can ya'll say something please?"
Justin breaks his gaze away from me briefly before glancing to his friend - his features are serious. "Give me a minute with Sadie." He says this as not a request but a demand and I'm hoping that Trace refuses to leave.
No such luck. "Ah, I see you, buddy boy." Trace moves to me on his way out of the room, and kisses me briefly on the cheek, whispering so that only I can her. "Girl, relax."
I close my eyes briefly as I hear the door close behind me and I decide to end this unwanted silence between the both of us. "Are you excited?" My voice comes out timid as my eyes continue to stare into his blue ocean.
He glances down to the floor beneath him before looking to me again and he smiles. I can't breathe. I can't seem think straight. He has the most gorgeous smile I've ever seen. Where is Derek? Why hasn't he come and checked on me yet? Isn't he worried? "I am now."
I purse my lips together, confused. What does he mean by that? "Um, you look really good." My eyes widen because I can't believe I just said that - my breathing increases when I see his smile has widened. He's happy to see me so uncomfortable? I guess look like a complete fool in his eyes. "I mean...I d-didn't mean it like that, I mean, I, um-"
He chuckles softly. "Sadie?"
I sigh, embarrassed. "Yeah?"
Justin steps closer to me, still smiling. His eyes are so beautiful. I want to dive in them. Okay, that was extremely lame. What is wrong with me?
"I miss you."
I'm speechless, I'm numb, I think I might have just peed on myself because this is the last thing I expected him to say. My insides are swimming with nausea. I'm going to vomit soon. I have a headache now, at least, I think I do. I feel hot and dizzy and my mind is racing with thoughts. What am I supposed to say to something like that? I can't I miss him too because then I'll make myself look like a fool and then what about Derek? I groan. I completely forgot about Derek...again. This is supposed to be the night I get closure, I don't need these feelings to keep growing for this guy...its not right, its not good for me or him. I mean, what do I have to offer him? I'm too insecure and I know he'll be embarrassed to be seen with me. He has to be.
And what can he do for me? I start teaching this following week and what can I do with a recovering junkie? Lord, forgive me for thinking this but its true. We both do not benefit from each other. I'm not strong enough to be around him.
"I don't expect you to say anything back," He's speaking now. He is still smiling, still so damn happy. Okay, forget whats wrong with me...what the hell is wrong with him? "I just need to be honest with myself from now on."
I cut my eyes away from his longing gaze. "Um, okay."
Justin smirks. "I'm so glad you're here for this, Sadie." He whispers softly, I don't know exactly why he is whispering and I don't know why I'm breathing so hard.
I need to get myself together. "You are?"
Out of the corner of my eye, I see him nod his head. "You need to know this - after I really get my shit together, I want to make things right between us." I look at him now, my eyebrows raised. There's an us? He runs his fingers through his hair, again. "I'm the happiest I've ever been in a long ass time, Dee, and just seeing you here tonight just made me realize how much I want you to be a part of my happiness."
My arms drop to my sides and I shrug my shoulders, helpless. "W-What exactly are you saying?"
He moves even more closer to me now and my eyes widen slightly. "I-I don't know exactly, I just know I want you in my life." His eyes search my own for answers.
A smile works its onto my features as I relax, slightly. I believe what he is saying. I think he's being truthful with me. "O-Okay," I mumble softly, and I watch in amazement as he holds out his arms for me to enter. I cautiously step into his embrace and sigh softly when his cologne fills my nostrils - damn, he smells good. His muscular arms envelope my body and he rests his head into the crook my neck, squeezing onto me tightly, I almost can't breath...literally.
Giggling, I try to loosen his grip on me. "I...can't...breathe!" I say, in between fits of laughter. I don't know why I'm laughing right now but this warm, glorious feeling took a hold of me suddenly when he wrapped me up in his embrace.
He loosens his grip on me some and pulls his head back to stare down into my brown, wide eyes. "You look amazing, Sadie."
Heat rushes to my cheeks, once again as I find myself blushing and I cut my eyes away from him. I don't believe him but it feels so damn good to hear it, anyway. I lick my lips and my smile widens. "Thanks."
Letting me go, to my disappointment, he glances to the clock above my head and chuckles. "Twenty minutes 'til I hit the stage," He stretches his arms over his head, releasing some tension and I watch him, silently.
My mind races back to Derek and I know I have to get back to him now - I've been gone for more than thirty minutes. I'm such a horrible date. "Well, I'll just talk to you after you perform, okay?"
His eyes widen and he shakes his head, grabbing my arm as I move to the door and pulling me back towards him. "Where you think you're going?" The electricity shock from his flesh to mine sends me in a frenzy. A very hot frenzy.
I breathe, slowly. "S-Someone's with me." I whimper out.
Justin cocks his head to the side, studying me. Almost instantly, he drops my hand from his and smirks. "Oh, why didn't you say something a while ago?" A smile is still on my face, "You could've brought her back here. Go get her!" He says this, excitedly.
My heart aches. I shouldn't have brought Derek. Oh, this just isn't fair. I shake my head. "She's a he." I say, looking up at him, sadly.
The smile falls from his precious features and I can't read him anymore as he stands emotionless, just staring - the only thing I can hear is the ticking of the clock behind me and my own heavy breathing. I should just go. I hear the door open behind me and I watch in silence as Justin moves around me, not paying anymore attention to me as he begins talking to that girl...Deena.
I'm so stupid! I shake my head, regretfully. Turning around, I see Trace move to me, smiling. "Some guy is asking for you out there, Dee."
Great, I've probably ruined any chances of being on good terms with Justin, again and now my future potential boyfriend might be done with me after tonight. I so want to be away from the male species right now. Pursing my lips together, I nod my head. "Thanks, Trace." I mumble softly, moving towards the door and glancing behind me at Justin who seems to be so entranced with his conversation with Deena. God, I wish she wasn't so pretty. There isn't a pimple in sight on her flawless skin.
I hate pretty girls, I just hate them. Or at least the ones who Justin knows.
I should speak up. "See you after you perform...right?" I ask him.
He doesn't even give me the time of day. Instead he waves me off and continues to stare at Deena, the beautiful one, making me feel worthless. What did I do wrong? "Yeah, whatever."
How can he switch his attitudes so quickly? And they say us women are rough to be around when its that time of the month but these men have me fooled. I just want to know what I did...what did I do?
* * *
Cheers, screams, whistles, and hollers echo throughout the cramped room as Justin exits off the stage and a proud smile graces my features as I continually clap for him even now as he is off the stage. Can I just say...this man has talent that he should've never turned his back on? He only sang two songs - it was just him and his guitar but it felt so intimate, so raw. Shivers continue to run through my body listening to aching voice but I'm not sure if it was for his voice or the way he was glaring at me through the whole set.
It wasn't like he was mad at me, was it? I still don't know what I did wrong. I figured he must be made that I wanted to leave him earlier. But I had to go...Derek is here. This man besides me amazes me still - he wasn't even in the least upset with me for having him wait so long. If anything, he seemed very content that I was getting to spend time with an old friend. Maybe he does deserve a chance.
I take his hand as he helps me up from my seat and hands me my black purse - he jiggles his car keys in his hand and I know he's probably ready to go but I promised I would say goodbye to everyone. And I don't go back on my promises. "Come with me right quick, okay?" I ask now, and he nods his head.
I let out a breath of relief and take his hand in mine, leading him to the backstage. They're still celebrating his performance as I see Lynn dancing with her husband, happily and Trace seems to be in a excited conversation with Deena, who is all smiles. I frown instantly. Where's Justin. I drop Derek's hand from my own and move further down the hallway, my worries increasing.
"Sadie, wasn't he great?" Trace's estactic tone erupts me from my worried state and I welcome him into my embrace, faking a smile.
"He was great." I speak, honestly. Trace eyes Derek who stands behind me and I quickly introduce everyone to my new "friend" and excuse myself to Justin's dressing room. I need to know that he's okay.
Stepping inside and shutting the door, I groan when I see him pouring a plastic cup full of Jack Daniels. I shake my head. "What're you doing?" I ask, worried, instantly moving by his side and taking the bottle and cup from his grasp. "You don't need this."
He scoffs. "How do you know what I need, Sadie, huh?" My eyes widen at his rough tone. You'd never expect that the man who just exited off that stage would be so cruel. "If you knew what I needed you wouldn't have brought him to my big night."
I throw the contents in my hands in the trash behind me and my brows rise. "Who? Derek?" I'm confused. Why is he upset with Derek? He doesn't even know him.
Justin rolls his eyes. "Who else would I be talking 'bout?" He squints his eyes at me, clasping his hands together tightly, he shakes his head, furiously. "What the fuck are you doing, Sadie? Are you trying to get back at me for how I treated you in the beginning? Is that what this is?" His voice is steadily increasing in volume and I'm become more worried by the moment.
I step back from him, terrified. "Calm down, Justin." I mumble, softly.
He laughs, bitterly. "Are you trying to hurt me?" He whispers this now.
I immediately shake my head. "Of course not."
Running his hands over his face, tired, he moans. "Who is he - your man now?"
I sigh. "He's a friend, Justin." I look away from him, confused. "I don't see what the big deal is, I mean I w-"
Justin groans loudly, "The big fucking deal is that I like you, Sadie." He throws his hands up in the air, frustrated and my heart is caught in my throat. "There. I said it, finally - I like you! What you think 'bout that, huh?" He asks, roughly.
I shrug my shoulders. I don't know what to think. I need to sit down. I move to the couch pushed up against the wall and I sit down, slowly, resting my face into my hands, I breathe deeply. What to do? What to say? This isn't what I wanted. This isn't what I thought would ever happen. Can't anything ever go the way I want it to?
"I...don't...know." I whimper, softly.
Justin snorts. "Wrong answer." He mutters, angrily. "Just go, Sadie - get out."
Tears cloud my vision as I force myself to stand up. Why he is putting through all of this torture? What is wrong with him?
I am ready for love
Why are you hiding from me?
I'd quickly give my freedom
To be held in your captivity
"What do you want from me, Justin?" I find myself screaming now, tears flowing down my face. I'm so fucking scared right now of what I'm feeling. This is why I never wanted to be involved with the opposite sex...they just use and manipulate your feelings to their own advantage. "I don't know what you want me to do!"
I think my loud voice catches him off guard cause he's just staring at me now, his expression hard and rough. I don't care how angry he is with me now. I don't even know why he's acting like this. Derek is just my friend! My friend who I make out with sometimes!
I am ready for love
All of the joy and the pain
And all the time that it takes
Just to stay in your good grace
I cry out softly. I'm so embarrassed to be crying in front of him but right now I can't think of anything but the pain in my heart. Why does he have the effect on me? Why won't he just leave me and my insecure soul alone? Just leave me alone is all I want! I shake my head, sadly, "I can't d-do this." I mutter, moving towards the door.
"No, you're not leaving." He speaks up now, quickly he moves in front of me, blocking my way. His blue eyes are dark now, full of something I don't really care to think about.
I sigh, loudly. "Please, leave me alone, Justin." Tears continue to fall from my eyes. Dammit! "Please." I whimper out, dejectedly.
"Come 'ere," He whispers now, pulling me into his embrace and I bury my face into his chest, moaning with sadness. I wish I didn't like him so much. I wish he can be a pain in the ass most of the time and make it easier for me to hate him. But even I know I won't be able to stop my feelings even if I tried. "Shhh," his cool breath sends shivers through my spine as he breathes into my waves of curls and rubs my back, affectionately.
Lately I've been thinking
Maybe you're not ready for me
Maybe you think I need to learn maturity
Oh, God. I can't think straight. I'm dying here. I pull my head back to look into his eyes, and I'm confused to as why he is smiling. But I don't speak my questions instead I speak the truth. "I like you, too."
A smile warms his features as his hands find my cheeks and his thumbs wipe away from dry tears, he chuckles softly. "Yeah, I kind of figured that."
I laugh, softly. Yeah, only a basketcase will react like this. I think I'm losing my mind. I lean my forehead against his and breathe in deeply as his hands fall from my face to waist. I close my eyes briefly before reacting without thinking, moving closer to him, I crush his mouth with my own.
I am ready for love
Would you please lend me your ear?
I promise I won't complain
I just need you to acknowledge I am here
I don't know whats come over me but I can't think of anything but how amazingly good it feels to kiss this man before me - at first, I'm pretty sure I caught him off guard because he stood emotionless, but that lasted for about a second or so because he then brought his hands to my face again, gently rubbing my flesh with his own. My hands travel to the nape of his neck and a moan escapes my mouth as his tongue enters parts my lips and he explores me.
I'm so damn nervous right now but I'm trying to just go with the flow. Be a pro. Yeah, whatever. I don't remember his lips being this soft, this tasty, as his tongue graces over my lips lightly, causing me to tremble - I hold onto him for dear life as he moves his lips to my exposed neck. Oh, God...what is he doing? Flicking his essence over my bare skin, my hands immediately reach for his hair, gripping onto anything as I'm starting to feel hot and I'm not exactly as to why; his hands have now moved to the curve of my behind and I don't stop him as he pushes me up against the wall.
What am I doing?
"Oh...god...Sadie," He's groaning now, in between his wet kisses he is placing along my shoulders. This is making me laugh - the way it feels - so sacred, so intimate. His lips travel to my chest and my heartbeat increases as I feel him pull down the front of my dress. He's struggling. "Help me out here," He's chuckling.
I'm not sure if I want him to do this. I'm not sure if this is right. But I don't speak, instead, I move his hands and pull the dress down myself, my mind not grasping what I'm doing right now - I don't think I'm truly understanding that my breasts are exposed for the first time to anyone that isn't me. I don't have time to think about this because a warm sensation hits me blow my navel as his cool mouth takes my nipple into his essence. God, what I have been missing?
If you give me half a chance
I'll prove this to you
I will be patient, kind, faithful and true
To a man who loves music
Rolling my eyes to the ceiling, I hear his groans as he takes my free hand into his own and guides me to the bulge in his jeans. My eyes widen. What am I supposed to do now? I can't concentrate as he begins nibbling gently on my breast, causing moans to erupt from within me - it feels like I'm going to explode, I'm so damn hot. Is it hot in here to him? Cause I'm burning the hell up! I don't know what's going on with me. I need him to stop.
Grabbing a hold of his face, I capture his mouth once again and surprisingly, our tongues do some kind of weird sexual dance as I take his bottom lip into my mouth, sucking on it softly before moving my mouth to his jawline, placing wet, kisses along his cheeks, his neck, his ear and back to reclaim my heaven that is this man's mouth. My arms wrap around his neck as he grabs my thighs, forcing me to wrap them around his skinny waist.
"Oh...my...god," I moan out as I feel his bulge come in contact with my own flesh, I'm now sweating like crazy, and if I keep going at this rate...I won't be a virgin for too long. What has happened to sweet, innocent Sadie? The shrilling ringing of my cell phone brings me to reality as I notice its Zora's ringtone. I have to answer this. It could be a emergency. "J-Justin...mmmmhmmm...Justin," I moan, as he sucks on my neck, roughly, his hands are gripping on my waist, forcing me to feel everything that he has to offer and let me just say, I'm kind of scared...cause its a lot. No lie.
"Stop." I say now, dropping my legs from his waist and moving away from him. Instantly, I cover my bare breasts and reach for my phone. Breathing heavily, I stare at my reflection in the mirror. What the hell is all those red marks on my neck? I groan. Oh, God...Derek is so through with me now. "H-Hello?" I breathe loudly into my phone, hating my sister for interrupting this moment, this oh so important moment for me.
Zora sounds pissed. "Get your ass to the house...now."
Horny hormones waste away from my body as I worry that something's wrong with my sister or worse, my nephew. "What's going on?"
She's coughing. "Jade's here." My eyes widen. I hear people in the background and I know that scolding voice from anyone. "Mom's here, too - Sadie hurry, its something serious." The line goes dead as I stare into my phone, frightened.
I need to get out of here. Justin is messing around with his pants...I squint my eyes...thats weird. He looks really uncomfortable. "I gotta go." For some reason, I'm extremely calm. I'm not freaking out.
Shocking, huh?
I am ready for love
If you'll take me in your hands
I will learn what you teach
And do the best that I can
His eyes widen. "W-Wha?" He looks away from me, nervous. "I'm sorry if I overstepped my boundaries, I-"
I smile. "You did nothing wrong, J." I speak, softly. "I wanted it to happen."
His smile is so wide I wonder if it is hurting his face. "You did?" I nod my head. "Oh, thats a relief." He touches his chest but then frowns. "Is everything all right?"
I shrug my shoulders while gathering my purse and trying to pull my hair over my neck to cover the various "love marks" on my flesh - I still need Derek to drive me home. "Its a family thing - but I'm fine."
He nods his head as he moves to the door with me, he won't look me in the eye. "Sadie?"
I glance to him quickly. "Yeah?"
"What does this mean?"
I glance to my hands, usually by now, they'll be trembling with fear, but I'm shocking myself at how calm I am. This guy just got a look at my rack - more importantly, he sucked on them! And I'm still completely calm.
I like this feeling of being in control.
I shrug my shoulders. "It means...," My voice drifts off as I smirk with happiness. "We have some things we need to talk about as soon as possible." I lean to him and brush my lips over his cheek and as I hear him intake a deep breath, I giggle. "I'll be seeing you soon, okay?" I say as I turn the doorknob and move myself out into the hallway with Derek standing beside Trace involved in a deep conversation. I smile.
Derek grins when he sees me. "You ready?"
I nod my head. He takes my hand into his own and I mouth my goodbyes to everyone - a warmth still lingering on my essence. I'm so damn happy. And I know it won't last. For my whole family to be together at once brings nothing but trouble but I can't seem to let my mind focus on that right now. I still feel the warmth of his skin against mine, his soft lips against my flesh, his smile, his laugh and all I want right now is to think about when we can do it again.
Tell me what is enough
To prove I am ready for love
* * *
Song Credit:
"Ready For Love" by India Arie
Author's Notes:
Ahhh here it is! My birthday was yesterday so I'm suffering from a major hangover but I guess the inspiration came pouring out of me as I spent most of the night locked away in my room trying to hide my drunken state from my mother. lmfao! But anyway, moving on, I like this chapter, and I hope you guys like it too - if you do or if you don't, let me know, you know I love the FB.
Chapter Sixteen: "Whisper"
"Let us not love with words or tongue, but with actions and in truth."
Source: 1 John 3:18
Eager to please,
Trying to be what they need
But I'm so very tired
I've stopped trying to find
Any peace in my mind
Because it tangles the wires
"Whisper" - A Fine Frenzy
"Come 'ere, little Sadie," Jade's gentle, caring voice brings me to my feet and I move quickly across her room to her side - she sits in front of her face mirror, holding up two different lipsticks. "What you think looks better for tonight? The red or the light pink?"
I rock my body on the balls of my feet and clasp my hands together nervously - I really don't think she should be coming to me for advice...doesn't she see Zora in the room, also? I lick my chapped lips and push away the loose strands of my red hair from my eyesight. "I don't know...what you think, Z?" I look behind me at my sister who is combing her thick blonde locks, not giving me any kind of attention.
I guess she doesn't think anything. Jade smiles at me through her mirror and her light brown eyes glisten. "My little Sadie is always so nervous."
"Big Sadie is more like it." Patrice's scratchy tone causes me to be startled just a bit and I lower my eyes, sadly.
Jade scoffs. "Watch your mouth, girl." Her voice is stern, hard - I don't really get hurt by the things Patrice says about me, I've been used to the fat jokes for far too long to let it effect me now, but I know that if anyone says anything degrading towards me in Jade or Zora's presence...they become defensive. "What did I tell you 'bout saying nasty things?"
I glance up and lock eyes with Patrice who is shooting me a death glare right now - I gulp, anxiously. "Whatever," She mumbles in response and walks out of the room, folding her arms in front of plumped chest, full of anger.
I shake my head. "She's gonna get me later, Jade." I speak softly, moving closer to my eldest sibling, I tentatively place my hand on her shoulder and she pats my hand gently, leaning her cheek against my flesh.
Zora seems oblivious to what is going on because she is steady brushing her hair hundred times on each side - weird. "No one's going to 'get' you," She winks at me, "At least not as long as I'm 'round to protect you and you know I ain't going nowhere."
I breathe out a sigh of relief. "You're not?"
She shakes her head. "Babe, I'm not leaving you and Z behind - when you two graduate school...ya'll are coming with me." A wide smile appears among my features as she forces the two lipsticks in my face. "Now enough of that talk...help me choose!" I quickly point to the light pink and she grins. "I'm so glad we both have good taste."
I'm trying to slow down my heavy breathing some but to no avail as Derek pulls up into my driveway - my eyes instantly recognize my mother's black Mercedes Benz and the palms of my hands become sweaty; the whole ride here I hadn't really thought of what could happen once I get home, once I see my sister for the first time in ten years, once I'm confronted with my mother, again - I had let my mind wander to a more safe route...Derek.
I've stared at his profile for the last twenty minutes wondering how I could possibly tell him that I think my heart belonged to another - who am I to ruin something in the making when I'm not sure of what will be left for me in the process? Thoughts of what I let occur earlier haven't seeped into my veins yet, I mean, if I really think about it, I become extremely antsy and nervous so I'm trying my very best to direct my focus on Derek - my phone has been vibrating ever since I left the club and when I notice that all of my missed calls was Justin, I didn't know exactly what to do with myself.
I like him so much that sometimes it actually hurts to think about it - I know that a person can't have everything that they want but still...I wish there is a way to keep Derek in my life and still have those makeout sessions with Justin. Thats dirty, right? Well, shoot me for my bad decisions, shoot me for making an ass of myself earlier, shoot me liking two men at one time, shoot me because I don't want to be caught in the middle. I see possibility with Derek - when I look into his eyes, I see a future, I see happiness and I deserve some sort of happiness however little it might be...I still need it and when it comes to Justin...I don't see anything, I don't see a future, I don't see happiness all I know is what I feel at this moment, in this time and when I think of him? My heart swells and I know that has got to mean something because I've never felt that way before, period.
So, what should I do?
"Do you want me to come in with you?" Derek's graspy voice draws me back to reality and I lick my lips quickly.
I hold my purse tightle in my lap and remember where exactly I am at and what I'm about to step into - "Um, its okay, I can handle it." I look into those deep green eyes of his and my heart drops. I don't want to hurt him but I don't know if its best to continue whatever we have going on if there is even a slightest chance that maybe Justin and I have anything together.
I place my hand on the door handle and turn it, opening the door. I smile, halfheartedly. "Tonight was nice, thank you." And I truly do mean this - I have to give the guy some credit because he stuck around even when I was so obviously enraptured with someone else.
Guilt consumes me as I think of this - "I should be the one thanking you for inviting me." I rise my brows in question and he smiles. "Will you consider something for me?"
I glance away from his gaze and wonder silently what could he possibly want from me. "Sure." I whisper out into the cool air.
His flesh brushes against mine as I feel his fingertips grazing my arm softly, sending chills through me, I quickly fluff my hair over my neck, remembering my embarrassing debut of affection towards Justin earlier - I'm surprised that Derek hasn't notice it yet...I should count my blessings.
"Sadie?" I force my eyes to his and inhale a sharp breath of air as his lips find mine, I freeze instantly, scared. If it weren't any other day, I would jump at the chance to smother this man with my kisses but after tonight, I feel...like I'm betraying not only him, but also Justin and myself - it just doesn't feel right, at all. But I don't push him back for fear that I will hurt his ego instead I place my hands onto his shoulders, easing myself onto his moist tongue. I won't deny he is a good kisser but he still doesn't have anything on that blue-eyed cutie from around the way. I close my eyes as his large hands pull me nearer to him by pushing on the base of my back, and I know this is dangerous territory as he breaks our kiss and tries to move his lips down southward...to my hickey exposed neck.
I'm on guard as I back away from our embrace and breathe heavily, trying to slow down my breathing. God, please me, I'm such a very bad person. "Um, sorry I just stopped it so suddenly but," I need a quick lie and fast, "I don't want to, um, g-get too carried away when I need to be inside w-with my family." Okay, this is the truth.
Derek nods his head slowly but quickly brushes his lips over my cheek and lowers his head to center his focus on my eyes, my very lying, deceptive eyes. "You don't have to explain yourself to me, pretty lady." This rolls off his tongue so easily, so carelessly, that I almost believe him. I said I almost believed him. "Just consider the idea of an us."
I almost choke. "An us?" My eyes are wide as saucers, they just have to be.
He chuckles. "Yeah, an 'us' - I like spending time with you, Sadie and I hope the feelings mutual," When I don't say anything, his smile subsides, "Is the feeling mutual?"
I smirk. "Yes, it is."
The smile returns. "Good." He takes a hold of my left hand and holds it into his own, squeezing. "You don't have to answer right now...just sleep on it and we'll talk about it tomorrow. Is that fair enough?"
I break my gaze and sigh. I need to tell him that there is someone else, I need to let him know that I like him, I really do, but my heart belongs to another, I need to tell him that I could never give myself to him completely without having this other man in the back of my mind...haunting me - but instead, I smile sheepishly and kiss him.
"I will think about it - I've been thinking 'bout it already."
Well, I guess the honesty route just flew right out the window.
"How do I look in this?" I ask my sister Zora, as I stand before her in my cheerleading uniform, dreading the seconds until I will have to put my fat behind on the football field for everyone to make a laughing stock of me. Yeah, go team, by the way!
Zora eyes the blue and white stripped patterns and nods her head in approval - she seems to always agree with anything that I throw her way, I guess thats her way of being supportive but sometimes I just want brutal honesty from her - she's the only person I can trust with the truth. "I like it."
I shake my head. "I look like a pig on crack."
She snorts. "Sure you do, sis." Is she serious? "Lighten up, please." I roll my eyes.
"You want to know what I think?" Zora curses underneath her breath as my mother steps further into our room, eyeing my attire.
I have to shit bricks. "No, she really doesn't give a fuck 'bout what you think, Mother." Zora speaks calmly, folding her arms in front of her chest. My sisters have all learned to talk to our mother anyway that they please and she lets them get away with it, too - but me on the other hand? I know better. I pick my words carefully when I'm around her.
Mabel ignores Zora's crude comment. "Have you ate today?" I shake my head quickly. "Good." I'm holding my stomach in right now so that my mother won't notice the pudge.
Zora hears her son whimpering softly in the nursery and she vacants the room but not before cursing at my mother one more time. "That girl has absolutely no respect for her elders." My mother mumbles this underneath her breath as she moves closer to me, her soft fingers brush over my rough skin. "Have you been using the ProActiv cream I bought you?"
"Yes."
She frowns. "Its not working for shit," She stares at the red acne on my cheeks. "Your face looks hideous." I sniffle softly as I break my gaze away from her.
I'm used to how she is but still..it hurts. "It doesn't go away s-so fast, M-Mother."
She pokes me in my ribs causing me to jump. "What have I told you about stuttering? Stop that shit right now, I mean it," she pokes me again, but this time much harder. "And what the hell is going on with your hips? They're as fatty as greasy bacon." I open my mouth to speak but she pushes me out of my room. "Get your ass on the treadmill and run four miles, now."
I sigh, loudly. She's gonna kill me soon. "But Mother, I a-already ran three this mo-"
She hits me in the back of my head and I immediately lean against the wall, my head suddenly aching. "Stop with the goddamn stuttering! And get your hideous ass on that treadmill now!"
I don't protest now as tears cloud my vision and I rush to the workout gym but not before I hear my mother's last words and not before I cry out in sadness. I'm such a wreck.
"Fatass bitch."
I prepare myself for anything as I step into my home - my eyes immediately greeted with three faces I know so well - Zora, Mabel and Patrice, and then one face I'm confused by, my heart races as tears rush to my eyelids - "J-Jade?"
The tall, very short-haired, skinny version of my eldest sibling nods her head sadly as she forces herself up from Zora's leather couch, moving to me instantly. I'm speechless as I rush into her embrace not exactly realizing how much I've missed her so; Jade is the one who held this crazy family of mine together for so long when I was growing up, and then when she left...it felt as if we couldn't stand on our own without her. I hold onto her tightly and rest my head into the crook of her neck trying my best to inhale her fragrance like I used to do when we were kids, but to no avail.
She pushes back from our embrace, her eyes wander over my chubby figure and I figure she's disgusted with how I turned out but instead she whispers gently, "What a beautiful woman you've become."
I blush but then frown as my mother coughs her disagreement. I step back from our embrace but I hold on tightly to her hand, forgetting that there are other people in the room, other people watching me. "How are you? What're you doing back in town? How long are you going to stay?" Questions tumble from my lips quickly as I'm so fidgety and nervous.
Jade glances to our sisters and mother and I suddenly notice the sadness in the room, I lock eyes with Zora and expect her eyes to be full of hatred towards our older sister but instead she looks as if she is going to breakdown sometime soon. What the hell is going on?
"I'm so disappointed in you, Sadie Anne." My mother is speaking to me and I refuse to look at her in the eye. "You're fooling 'round with that town junkie like he's the Godsend on Earth - are you that desperate?" I close my eyes briefly and she chuckles. What a bitch. "You probably are."
Patrice rolls her eyes, annoyed. "Mother, shut the hell up." Mabel looks surprised as hell. I almost smile. "Why do you insist on getting your kicks in on Dee Dee when there is more important shit we got to deal with?"
Mabel looks bored as she continues to stare at me silently in disdain. I wonder silently how does she know about Justin and I? My sisters wouldn't stoop that low and tell them anything...or would they? Zora now is crying silently and I don't like to see her this way so I become protective, worried, even. "Can someone please tell me whats going on?" I glance to Jade. "I love having you here but why after all of this time? Why are you here?"
Zora whimpers. "Cause she's a fucking liar, thats why!" And as she says this, she escapes to her bedroom and locks the door.
Something is definitely up.
Jade seems distressed as she glances to Patrice and back to me. "Ah, my Little Sadie," She says this softly, tears now filling her eyes, I step back, scared as hell. "I'm back 'cause the doctor thinks its best if I come home to my family until its over."
What the hell is she talking about?
My phone vibrates against my hip and I glance down briefly to see that it is a text message from Justin - my heart skips a beat. I want to know what he has to say. I want to see him. I want to hold him clo-
"Jade's sick, Sadie Anne," My mother is talking to me, again. Why does she feel the need to call me by my full name? What is her issue?
I snort. "You're sick with what? After you're cured, you're going back to the show?"
She shakes her head, her brown eyes full of sadness. I grin now. This is good news - my sister is back, finally! My family might be able to actually mend whatever is broken between all of us - I just don't understand why everyone is looking so sad about this glorious news. "Well, I think this is good, I mean you're coming back home to stay, this is really good, Jade."
Patrice eyes me, warily. "You don't get it, Junebug." My eyes widen as my body begins to shake - no one calls me that nickname unless someone is trying to prepare me for bad news, really bad news - I haven't been called Junebug since my father told me my Aunt Chrissy passed away on the day of my ninth birthday.
My heart starts to beat wildly now and my gaze becomes hazy with tears. I don't even know why I want to cry but I know its because nothing good is about to come out of their mouths - nothing good at all. "Don't call me that, all right?" I whisper, quickly.
Jade's to my side first, her presence is no longer welcome around me now. "Junebug, look at me, please."
I shake my head, terrified. "L-Leave me alone." I mutter.
Her thin arms wrap around my thick waist and I try to free myself from her grip but to no avail as Patrice joins in on the embrace. "Jade's in the far more advanced stage of ovarian cancer, Sadie Anne," My mother says this so calmly, so freely and a cry slips from my lips unexpectedly.
No!
"Shut up." I moan as the tears fall from my eyelids rapidly now.
Patrice is even crying which is shocking me because she never shows any emotion whatsoever - this is a fucking joke, it has to be. "We need you to be strong, Junebug."
I can't accept this shit.
Just...no!
I push them away from me, I breathe heavily, my vision blurred. "Stop calling me that!" I scream out, my eyes wide, I'm shaken to the core. Jade moves towards me and I back away from her, "You show up here after ten years to lay this kind of shit on us?" She looks so deathly pale and frail. Why didn't I notice this before? "What the fuck kind of sister are you?"
Mabel comes into my line of view. "Now, this is not the time to lash out o-"
I give her the middle finger without thinking. "Why don't you just sit on this and shut the fuck up!" She seems so small now, so very small. "You've been nothing but a bitch to me and you're the reason my sister left m-us in the first place - I fucking hate you, I really do."
My face is hot now as I push past all of these liars and head to my room but I stop briefly as Jade calls out my name. "You'd be better off dead anyway...thats what you've been to us for the past ten years." Her cries of angiush go unheard as I lock my door and force myself not to think about how fucked I am for doing what I've just did.
I can't think about that right now. I fumble with my phone nervously as I bypass Justin's text message and instead call him - I listen to ring - one, two, three and then four times before I hang up, scared out of my right mind. I need somene to be my hero tonight - I need someone to guide me away from this weird atmosphere before I lose all of my sanity at once. I nervously dial the next number that comes to mind.
It rings only once before someone picks up, its like they were waiting on my call. "Hey, Miss Sadie."
I roll my eyes - I wish people weren't so damn cheery all the damn time, I fall to the floor and force myself to clear the aching out of my voice. "D-Derek, I don't want to bother you but...," I cry softly as I think of my sister. She's dying? What kind of fucked up shit is that? "C-Can I stay with you t-tonight - I don't want to be alone right now."
His breathing softens some. "Of course you can, Sadie." He pauses briefly, "Is everything all right?"
I snort. Sure, everything is just peachy keen. "J-Just be on your way, all right?" I end the call before he can respond and glance at my text message and tears once again fall from my eyelids as I read over the man who my heart belongs to has sent me.
"I miss you already."
I'm not used to reacting like this, I'm not used to feeling this sort of anger, this sort of pain as I cry out loudly, banging my head against the wall, so damn hurt, so damn sad, so damn guilty. God, why couldn't he answer his fucking phone? Why can't he just save me? I need him here, I'm aching for him here...just dammit!
Why couldn't he just answer his damn phone? Why?
* * *
"Swallowed in the Sea" by CutiePie07
Author's Notes:
Got a chapter up so fast cause I was in class and inspiration struck - thanks so much for the feedback and shits about to get heated. lmfao. Love ya'll!
Chapter Seventeen: "Swallowed in the Sea"
"Take time to be sure, but be sure not to take too much time."
Source: Unknown
The streets you're walking on
A thousand houses long
Well that's where I belong
And you belong with me
Not swallowed in the sea
- "Swallowed in the Sea" by Coldplay
"Justin, are you listening to me?"
I glance up to see Deena standing above me, hands planted firmly on her wide hips, eyes wide as saucers and I notice her lips are still moving - but I can't hear anything or at least I'm trying not to listen to the girl - I got way more important things on my mind right now than to listen to her loud mouth ass.
She kissed me.
Sadie Kennedy kissed me - right full on the mouth, no bullshit, no pretense - it was real and I still can taste her smooth flesh inside of my mouth - I shake my head; I still can't get over the shit, I can't stop letting my mind wander to the fact that Sadie allowed herself to be open with me, allowed herself to trust me with her body, with her soul and maybe it only lasted for a few minutes but in my mind...it felt like I had died and gone to heaven.
Woman can kiss, let me tell you; I'm still yearning to flick my tongue across her hard round nipples again, I'm yearning to hear her moan my name again, I'm yearning to be inside her, not all the way but enough to have her pushing me away, begging me to stop but silently praying that I go deeper, so deep that her walls shake with held in emotions and lust. I can't believe I'm thinking of the overweight, not so pretty girl like this - I can't believe I'm aching to just see her again, touch her, kiss her, do anything I can with her.
I figure now that she has had a minor heartattack and realized what a mistake she has made - her senses have probably returned to its normal state and the phone call I've missed from her was only to let me know that what we shared was a mistake and that it could never happen again...thats why I didn't answer my phone; I had been trying to reach her since she left the club and when she finally returned the call, my mind wandered to why it took her so long to call and I instantly thought of her and Derek - alone in his car, touching, kissing and all sorts of crazy ass shit.
I'll admit I was jealous for a split second as I thought of the possibility of her giving herself to another - I mean give me a fucking break! We were so close to knocking boots that if it weren't for that phone call...I'd be getting me a major blow job right about now and don't take me the wrong way; thats not all I'm wanting from the girl - the fucking aspect is just a bonus but in all honesty, I think I might actually be putting my shitty ass life back together and I can't hold out any longer...I want her, I need her and I refuse give the idea of not having her since I know for sure now that she feels the same way I do.
So, the jealously subsided pretty quickly because the long haired ugly bastard holds no candle to my fine ass - yeah, I can be cocky when I need to be and right now, I'm full of it; I'm seriously kicking myself in the ass for not answering the phone when she called cause now, I can't get her ass to answer her phone - I won't give up on this girl. I haven't felt this urge to make things right with another person since things ended between Tyler and me - I thought before I was being too nostalgic and that I turned to Sadie for some sort of closure of my past but now...thats not true at all.
I like her, a lot - so much that she is invading my every sane thought, so much that now as I'm looking to Deena's angry face I secretly wish I see those chubby, pale cheeks and wide, innocent brown eyes staring down on me - and I'm not in love, far from it, actually; I just tend to become infatuated with women I begin to have any sort of feelings towards - this is my only regret about pursuing any type of relationship with the opposite sex because once I begin to actually open up my heart for the taking...I rely on the female so much that I think it overwhelms them. This is just another reason why I haven't been in a relationship since Tyler - I hurt her, I know I did - I broke her heart and maybe I am to blame for the death of our second child but my actions towards the destruction of our coupling only resulted from the fear of loving her too much, of giving her too much of myself - bullshit, right?
I fucked things up between us because I thought I was losing my freedom, losing my identity when in reality, I came to realize that when you really love someone...they become who you are, they represent every good and sometimes bad aspect about yourself - Tyler had been my other half and I was too scared to fully accept this, so I tried my best to destroy everything that meant anything to me. I breathe out slowly - I was so messed up back then and I'm surprised now that I'm able to actually let myself think about these things without having a nervous breakdown. I smile.
I must be really getting my shit together, then.
And I have to thank Sadie for helping me in the process - if it weren't for her getting me through the night of my relapse, I don't know exactly where I'd be right now - probably dead from an overdose or something of the other; the girl really doesn't see how much power and confidence she has locked inside of her soul, and I am to blame for attacking her when she is the least vulnerable but I will make this up to her, I have plenty of time to make a lot of things up to her because I will be a part of her life, one way or another. She's scared out of her right mind right about now and I don't blame her for being shaken to her core about what has just happened between us but I'm through with the bullshitting, I'm through with the lies, so maybe, she's not on the same page as me but I'm not really worried about that...like I said before, I got time.
My mind wanders back to Tyler and I force myself from the very soft cushions of Deena's couch and I move towards her bedroom, trying to get some privacy. "Where the fuck do you think you're going?"
Oh, shit.
I glance behind me to lock eyes with my very pissed off best friend. I smile, helplessly, holding up my cell phone. "Gotta make a very important phone call, babe."
She folds her arms in front of her chest, "You ain't heard a damn word I've said since you sat yo' stanky ass on my couch," I widen my eyes, pretending to be hurt. "Don't give me that look, asshole," I give her the puppy dog look and she rolls her eyes, relenting. "Man, stop!" A teasing smile is now on her beautiful features and she moves to my side, hitting me playfully in the arm, "I'm not gonna kick your ass cause tonight is your special night but tomorrow...your skinny white ass is Deena Myra Davis' property." She squints her eyes, "Bet that."
I gulp. I know she's not playing now.
Deena moves closer to me and chuckles. "I'll just recap what I was trying to tell your oblivious ass earlier," She wraps her thin arms around my waist, squeezing gently. "You did good tonight, Timberlake, real good."
This only makes my smile wider. "Yeah, I know."
She breaks our embrace and groans, "Boy, don't let that shit go to yo' damn head," She licks her lips, "You calling that Sadie chick?"
I shake my head. "I've been ca-"
"Bug a motherfucking boo." She interjects, quickly.
I blush. "Whatever," Even though now as I think about it...does Sadie think I'm calling her too much? Man, I'm whipped and she's not even my girl...yet. "What you think 'bout her, Deena?" I ask, honestly.
Her opinion means the world to me.
She shrugs her shoulders and glances away, briefly. "She allright." Thats all?
I usually have to duck tape Deena's mouth to shut her up because she can go on and on about my latest love interest so now since she's being so mum, I'm worried - I don't want her to think Sadie is a bad person, because she's not, far from it. I need Deena to like her cause if she doesn't, it'll only bring issues in the future if I ever have the chance of being with the girl.
"You don't have anything else to add, huh?" I ask, nudging her.
She scoffs. "What do you want me to say?" I don't say anything and she groans in annoyance. "Just watch yo' back, Timberlake - I think you just using this girl to g-"
"Give me closure with Tyler, right?" I finish her thought.
She eyes me warily but nods her head slowly, "Y-Yeah, exactly."
I wave my phone in front of her eyes. "Thats the important phone call I need to make, babe," Her brows raise in question, "I'm gonna call Ty so I can move on with my life."
Deena places her hand upon her left hip. "You're a dumbass, Timberlake," She smacks my chest, "You think she's going to listen to anything you have to say? You fucked that girl's life up in more ways than one and for you to call her is only going to take her back to a place where she doesn't want to go." She cocks her head at me, "Do you remember the last time you spoke to her?"
"You can rot in hell as far as I'm concerned, Justin."
I force my thoughts away from this because I'm on a mission and I will do what I have to do to make me move on with my life, I will be a better person for the mistakes I've made and the people I hurt...I will.
"I gotta at least try, Deena," She shakes her head, disapprovingly, "This is the only way I can close that door to that part of my life - she's been haunting me for so long, I could never just really accept that she's gone and now, I'm willing to...I want to."
She smirks. "And you're doing all of this for a piece of ass?"
I shake my head. "I'm doing this for myself, Deena." She continues to stare at me and I chuckle. "Okay, and maybe a piece of ass!" She laughs out loud. "But its way more than that."
She waves me off, not caring anymore. "Just make sure you're done with this 'closure' shit in about fifteen minutes cause we got to finish your demo, little meat."
I roll my eyes as she walks away. "Tight ass pussy." I mumble underneath my breath as I quickly dial the numbers I had engraved in my memory for as long as I can remember - I'm not really comprehending what I'm doing right now. Maybe Deena's right, maybe I am stupid for doing this, maybe she will hang up in my face, ma-
"Hello?" I can remember that light, angelic voice from anywhere.
Heartbeat is increasing now - I don't think I can do this; the image of a smiling Sadie flashes over me and this is enough to get me to speak. "H-Hey Ty."
A pause over the line as I hear rustling in the background, now as she speaks, her voice is low, timid. Its easy to tell her guard is up - she was not expecting this phone call, at all. "Justin?"
I close my eyes as I try to slow down my breathing as long as I contain my compuser, I'll be okay. "Is now a bad time?"
Stupid question.
Her harsh chuckles sends shivers down my spine. "A bad time is anytime when it comes to talking to you." I almost expect her to hang up the phone but she remains on the line, waiting, trying to read me over the receiver. "Why are you calling me?"
I run my fingers over the stubble on my chin and sigh. "I needed to apol-"
"I don't want to hear that," She quickly interrupts me, "I've moved on with my life, Justin." I just need you to listen to me. "I'm engaged...I'm having a baby." She says this last statement very quietly.
My heart aches as I hear this, of course she's moved on, of course the ending of our relationship didn't almost destroy her like it had done to me - of course she wouldn't need closure. What was I thinking?
"C-Congratulations, Tyler." I mumble, tears forming in my eyes.
She breathes heavily over the line. "Thank you, but um, I don't know why I'm even asking you this but...," My spirits lift suddenly, "I've been hearing 'bout whats been going on with you for the last couple of years," She sighs, "I wanted to call Trace and see what was going on but I just...didn't. Anyway, are you okay?"
A small smile teases against my lips because I know a part of her still cares for my well-being - she doesn't hate me, she never has. "I will be."
Tyler smirks. "Funny thing is...I believe you," I listen quietly, "If you say you're going to do something...you don't back down from your word."
"Ty, I-"
She inhales a quick breath of air. "Don't call me that."
I nod my head, understanding. "Sorry," I mutter quickly, I need to tell her this. "You remember the night you left?"
I can see her through my mind...rolling her eyes. "Y-Yeah...why?"
I lick my lips. "That night I told you I never did love you-"
"Justin, don't do this right now." She's scared.
I shake my head. "No, listen to me - I blamed you for my infidelity, I blamed you for my unhappiness, but I need you to know this...it was all me." Tyler remains quiet, so I continue, "I loved you more than I loved my damn self but I was so fucking insecure of our love, Tyler." Tears slip from my eyes now. "I was so scared of giving my all to you that I tried in every possible way to push you away from me...from my heart."
She whispers, "O-Oh...," I can tell she is becoming choked up with emotions, "I l-lied, too." Tyler groans, "I told you I hated you but I never did...I couldn't - for so long, J, you were all I knew, all I ever wanted and when things started fucking up between us I didn't think I could ever be able to find someone who wanted me after you were done with me so I tried my best to break you just like you had broken me," She breathes heavy now, "I don't hate you, Justin."
A sigh of relief escapes me now. "I needed to know that." I grip my phone tighter, nervous. "And 'bout the babies-"
Tyler interrupts quickly, "I-Its okay, Justin," I can see her soft smile. "God's giving them much more than we could ever possibly have," She sighs, "There's nothing to be said about that except that everything happens for a reason."
She's matured so much. "You think if I hadn't fucked up...we'd still be together, Ty?"
"If we were meant to be together, we'd still be together, J - its just that simple." She chuckles, "Our love was so intense, so magical, so beautiful...while it lasted, but it isn't meant to ever be again - you'll always be in my heart just because you were the first, Justin - I don't think I've ever been able to give my heart completely away like I did with you."
I whimper, softly. "We did have some good times, didn't we?"
Tyler giggles softly, "Yeah, we did, Justin." She exhales. "Thank you for calling me...this did something to me, I didn't think I ever wanted to talk to you again but this...this is something I needed."
I smile. "I'm just glad that you're happy, Tyler."
She smirks. "I am, Justin, I really am." She pauses briefly, "But now you listen to me, when you're at your lowest - just remember that man you once was when you had the world in the palms of your hands and you'll be okay," My heart aches. "Nothing can truly kill who you are, Justin...not unless you let it and you're much stronger than that."
* * *
I can't sleep, well, its not like I've been trying anyway, but I feel so out of place in another's bed, in another's home - a man at that; I've forced myself not to let my emotions show for as long as I've been here because I don't need Derek prying into my personal life, I don't feel the need to lie to anyone right now. But you can only imagine that I want to bury myself a hole and let my guilt consume me - I was so wrong, so very wrong, and even now as I recall storming out of my house yelling profanities at my mother, I can do nothing but hang my head in shame. The old Sadie Kennedy would never do anything like this, I would never lash out on the people who are suppose to be my family, I would never curse, let alone at my elders - but you have to give some kind of lee way here...I just found out my sister is dying.
Jade is dying.
How are you supposed to react to something like this? I know I handled it the wrong way and thats why I've taken the easy route and hidden away from their prying eyes - I've looked up to Jade since the moment I realized she was not the clone of our mother; she has been more than a sister to me, she was my confident and the closest thing I had besides Zora. And now, when she needs her family the most - I turn on her. I lash out with anger, hurt and pain.
I asked her what kind of sister is she but the question really is what kind sister am I?
I'll find a way to make things right because thats what I do - I can't distance myself from the only people I have in my life; I can only imagaine what is going through her mind right now...how could she keep this a secret for so long? How could she not contact us the moment she found out something was terribly wrong? How could we have just assumed that she didn't care? Why is the world so unfair? Is God punishing us? Is He punishing Jade? Why won't He punish me instead? Jade...she doesn't deserve this - her heart is too full for something this cruel to happen to her - her arms are too welcoming for this disgrace.
Why did He choose my sister? Why?
I lay my head against the headboard and bring my knees to my chest, frightened; I wish someone could answer my questions, I wish someone can heal this aching, wounded heart of mine; it just isn't fair - I start work in two days and this is what happens to me? Derek wants a relationship with me, Justin really does like me and now...my eldest sister is dying and there is not a damn thing I can do about it. What kind of punishment is this? Is this what I get for going back and forth between Derek and Justin?
I lick my lips and rest my chin onto my knees, closing my eyes briefly, trying to convince my tired body to sleep. Please, sleep. Derek has taken his couch in the living room and I should be reassured by this but this isn't easy for me to be in another's man home, in his bed and not wonder what will become of me while I am dreaming the night away? I shake my head quickly, Derek's not that kind of guy. I have to thank him for being there when I need him - such a nice guy, he is.
I had finally convinced him I would be okay and that he could go to sleep after about three hours of him tending to my every want and need but in the back of my mind I yearned for the man before me to be Justin - I am so damn confused when it comes to this situation - but then I think...Derek is the one thats here, and Justin is not. That has to count for something, but then I think...I won't even let Derek know whats going on with me but I want to spill my soul to Justin's ears.
I don't want to think about the two of them anymore - I'll think about that tomorrow.
A knock is sounded on the doorframe of the room and I look up to see Derek standing in the light, staring at me, worried. I almost roll my eyes - I spoke too damn soon. "Can't sleep." I say, simply, my throat hoarse.
He moves further into the room and sits down beside me, his green, soft eyes wander over my pathetic profile. "Want me to hold you?"
I glance away from his gaze and purse my lips together. "I'll be all right." I mumble, sadly.
Derek isn't giving up. "What's going on, Sadie?" It kills me to hear the whimper in his voice - he's so worried about me. "Please, just talk to me - I want to help, baby...let me help."
Tears form in my eyes unwillingly and I want to curse out loud because I know soon I will be soaking up all of his bedsheets with my salty tears, I run my fingers over my tired face. "Kiss me," I say, plainly, I need something to distract me from this pain - I need something to direct me away from my broken heart, I need to feel something other than I'm feeling right now.
He seems startled. "W-What?"
I roll my eyes and pull his face mere inches from my own, "Kiss me," I don't wait for him to respond as I crash his lips with mine.
* * *
"Please, do that one more time," Deena is wrecking my last fucking nerves - she has had me in this studio since dawn of this morning and now its almost three in the afternoon - all I want to do is talk to Sadie. Why hasn't she called me back? Why won't she answer any of text messages? This can't mean anything good. "Pretty please with me on top?"
I choke on water and can't help but grin as she says this - I shake my head. "Sorry, honey - I'm taken."
She frowns, playing along with me. "By who?" I roll my eyes to the ceiling. "Cause the way I see it - the girl you're into isn't even returning your calls, bro," She shakes her head, smiling, "Time to pull out the freakum dress, baby!"
She loves her some Beyonce.
I snort. "Yeah, that sounds just 'bout right...if only I had a pussy to go along with it."
Deena shrugs and raises her hands in the air, "Well, shit that didn't stop you from dressing like Miss Mary Mack, did it?"
Heat rushes to my cheeks. I hate her. "Hey!" She's rolling over in laughter now. "We were six and it was Halloween!"
Trace glances up from the magazine he is reading and shakes his head, "Actually, J, you were ten and it was on Chri-"
Deena is on the floor now, crying with laughter. I groan with detest. "Ah, shut the fuck up, Trace, shit!"
He shrugs his shoulders and returns to reading his magazine and I bury my face in my hands. Little miget bastard. "Don't go ganging up on my boy Trace just cause you like to crossdress." Deena says this now as she stands from the floor, wiping the tears from her eyes, all the while I am now throwing my headphones onto the ground and walking out of the booth. "And get your RuPaul loving ass back in that booth!"
Trace chuckles now. I glare at his pussy ass and he immediately shuts his mouth - yeah, he's my bitch.
I fold my arms in front of my chest, trying my best not to grin. "Say I'm tired of you talking all this shit, Deena," I crack my knuckles and she immediately pops her neck. She already knows whats up. "Back your shit up."
She scoffs and already her fists go up and I try to hide my shock - I was just playing with her ass. "You ain't said nothing but a word, dumbass," She begins bouncing on the balls of her feet, waiting on me to move closer to her.
I cough. "D, I was just fucking with your ass."
She swings her fists in the air, roughly, not showing any sort of emotion. "And I'm serious with your ass," She's mocking my tone.
"Go light on him, Deena," Trace says now. Will he shut the fuck up?
She glances behind her to wink at my pussy best friend before turning her full attention to me. "Now you know thats not how I fight, bro."
I widen my eyes. "Okay, D, you know you hit a little too hard and I don't want to have to hurt you so lets just get back to recording, all right?"
Deena shakes her head, moving closer to me as I move back. "Say something for me, Justin."
"What, girl?"
She grins, still swinging her fists in the air. "Say 'I'm a pussy-eating, dick-sucking, STD having crossdresser'"
I scoff. "You got me fucked up, Deena."
She nods her head slowly and keeps advancing towards me, "Back up, D-"
"Say it."
I shake my head and she swings, barely missing my nose, "Wha? Back up!"
She swings again. "Say it." And again. "I hope you know I'm missing on pupose."
Yeah, I fucking know.
I gulp. "Come on now, Deena, stop p-"
This time she swings a little too close to my Former Binky and I become nervous, "All right!"
She laughs and drops her fists, waiting. "Say it, bro."
I glance at Trace who is already laughing hysterically. What a motherfucking bitch. "I'm a pussy-eating, dick..."
* * *
Oh God, what have I done?
My body is trembling with fear as I struggle to find my pants in the midst of the various clothing on the floor beneath me - the shower water is running rapidly and my heartbeat is pounding my ears, in my chest - I need to get the fuck out of here.
I had just wanted to be comforted - I didn't want things too go this damn far and yet here I am, my naked lower half is exposed to the whole damn world - heat rushes to my cheeks as I find my jeans and I quickly jump into them, fumbling for my phone, I call the only person who doesn't pass judgement on anyone. I whine softly. What have I let happen?
This isn't how it was supposed to be.
Rings once, twice - please pick u-
"Hel-lo?"
I swallow my spit as I'm greeted with a woman's voice - I shake my head. Maybe I have the wrong number? "U-Um I was looking for Trace-"
She interrupts me, "Yeah, he went to the gym with Justin and forgot his phone," When I don't say anything, she continues, "Sadie, right?"
My eyes widen. "How do you know its me?"
She chuckles. "You're programmed into his phone." Oh, duh. Who is this? "Its me, Deena."
I roll my eyes as I nervously listen to the showerhead still running. How the fuck am I going to get out of here. I close my eyes briefly as I move out of the room in pain - damn, my thighs are sore. "Oh, u-um, I was hoping to ask him for a ride, but, uh, nevermind-"
"Where are you?" She inquires.
What does it matter to you? "Over a friend's house," My lips tremble as the past couple of hours events flash through my mind - I have to vomit. "I-I ju-" I stop myself as tears well up in my eyes.
God, what is with me these days?
I can hear her moving around and I become worried. "Tell me where you are, girl."
Oh, hell no. I won't be alone with her in small, cramped vehicle. Just, no. "I'm fi-"
She breathes heavily over the line, annoyed. "Listen, you better just tell me where the hell you at so I can come get you or I'll call Justin and let him deal with your stubborn ass." She snorts. "Your fucking choice."
My eyes widen at the notion of her calling the 'other' man in my life - he can't see me like this...he wouldn't understand, he wouldn't want to have anything to do with me if he knew what has happened. I become worried as I hear the shower water stop and I know for certain I need to get away, and fast. I can't face Derek right now - I won't. I force my aching body out of his apartment and so far away from his automobile.
Right now, Deena is all that I have. I curse underneath my breath and try to calm my breathing some but to no avail.
"Okay, um, I'm at 24th..."
* * *
"One Fine Wire" by CutiePie07
Author's Notes:
Here is a chapter and I really hate it cause it was rushed and I just don't like the finish result but I hope you girls do! Thanks for the constant support and I look forward to your FB! God Bless! :)
Chapter Eighteen: "One Fine Wire"
"If some things are better left unsaid, then maybe they too are better left undone."
Source: Unknown
And I remember the time my balance was fine
And I was just walking on one fine wire
I remember the time my balance was fine
And I was just walking on one fine wire
But It's frayed at both the ends
And I'm slowly unraveling
- "One Fine Wire" by Colbie Caillat
"So, I guess we're playing the quiet game?" Deena's smooth, gentle voice awakens me from my frightened slumber as I fold my arms in front of my chest, pushing my body as close to the passenger door as I can possibly be - I am at my wits end.
I open my mouth to respond but no words tumble from my lips, none at all - everything that has happened in the last couple of hours are such a hazy blur to me, I'm still reeling from the notion that I'm in this stranger's vehicle, this beautiful stranger's vehicle and she hasn't tried to pry me with questions of why I needed to get away, of why I had to get away; guilt overwhelms me now as I can only imagine the bewildered expression on Derek's face as he has probably noticed by now that I'm nowhere to be found - its safe to say that after today, the prospect of anything between him and I is diminished.
I screwed it up, I've screwed everything up for the worst.
I am fully to blame for what has taken place and I won't deny that maybe Derek should've really considered that maybe I wasn't in the best possible position to be making a life-altering decision; okay, maybe its not that big of a deal to some people, but to me, it means practically everything - I feel violated of my innocence, I feel stripped of my womanhood, I feel consumed with feelings of despair and dread - who is going to want me now after I am damaged goods? I close my eyes briefly, trying to force my mind to stop dwelling on the heartache that my soul is experiencing as of now.
"I won't hurt you, baby...you can trust me."
A harsh breath of air escapes me now as my eyes flutter open quickly, breathing heavily, I can see that Deena is glancing to me, confused but I don't pay her any mind as my hands begin to tremble nervously, my lips start quivering, my temples are pounding with agony and as I try to let my mind wander to my ailing sister's health, I am constantly reminded of him.
My sweaty fingers trail over the nape of his neck and I try to move my body from underneath him, realizing that now, this might not be the most smartest idea I can come up with to release some of frustration - maybe talking will be better. "Wait," I mumble as his rough, large hands travel to the waistband of my shorts, pulling them down slightly, and my eyes widen immediately, my head shakes immediately, refusing. "N-No, wa-wait," I softly whisper, as I try to push his hands away without any such success as he moves aside my cotton white panties.
His green warm eyes reach my terrified brown orbes and a chilling chuckle escapes his lips, "Shh," He whispers roughly as his cold fingers slip inside of my walls and my back arches in pain. Please, stop. Don't do this. Please, just don't do this.
I try to work my hips away from his cold flesh but instead it only welcomes him deeper inside of my essence and the throbing pain exceeds my expectations as I place my hands onto his shoulders, forcefully pushing him but he only remains on top of me...hurting me so much to the point that tears threaten to fall my eyelids with desperation. "S-Stop, Derek, p-please."
My cries are gone unheard as his mouth crashes onto mine, silencing me and I don't feel as he pushes himself inside of me, I don't feel as he pumps into me...slow at first and then hard, crashing me into the pillows underneath me, I don't feel as he explodes inside of me, crumbling his heavy figure onto my sweaty, shaky existence, I don't feel as he lay soft kisses along my collarbone.
What I do feel is my tears dropping onto my flesh and I unwillingly fall into his embrace as he whispers to my damp hair as I continue to feel the pain of my silent tears succumb me, "I told you I wouldn't hurt you."
"You can ignore me if you want, I really don't care but you need to tell me where you're going because I ain't 'bout to be driving 'round with no where to go using up all my damn gas," Deena once again interrupts my intruding thoughts and I jump, startled.
I sniffle softly. Where can I go? Where can I hide? I push loose strands of my hair out of my face as my mind races - I can't go home, I can't face my sisters yet, I can't allow myself to build up that kind of courage after what has taken place - I don't have the strength just yet to do that.
But where to, then?
I have no one to run to in an emergency, I have no friends - nothing; in this circumstance, my heart is probing me to find a way to get in contact with Justin, but my mind is being realistic and I know, that within the depths of me, there is no way on Earth he can see me like this and no question me as to what is going on with me - I can't lie to him, I refuse to, maybe he's the only good thing I have going on for myself and if I'm honest with him...I'll lose him, too, just like I'm losing everything I hold near and dear to my heart.
And this is something I'm not willing to exactly sacrifice just yet, or maybe not ever.
I sniffle, again, trying to hold back tears. "I-I have no where t-to go," I mumble softly - I am so embarrassed to announce this publicly to such an incredibly beautiful, intimidating woman.
I bet she is just loving this. Yeah, poor old, fat, pathetic Sadie doesn't have anyone to turn to in a crisis...doesn't have anyone at all.
Deena shrugs her shoulders as she cuts lanes and puts on her left turning signal, "Well, off to my house we go."
I immediately sit up, alert. "Oh, no, thats okay," I try to think of something, anything to get me out of this situation. "You think Trace is back from the gym? I can j-"
She scoffs. "Girl, please," Deena waves me off, quickly. "You trippin' if you think you need to be going over there with all those damn hickeys on yo' ass." She cuts her eyes at me quickly, eyeing my neck, "Justin will be so through with your ass." She says this, matter-of-factly as my hands find my bare, exposed neck.
Of course I had forgotten the lovemarks - but these were from Justin...I think? I mean, I know I messed around with Justin and he gave me some hickeys but the ones that Derek has given me were in a different place, someplace where other people couldn't so easily see - I shutter as I think about all of this...I'm such a bad person, I am a horrible person. Justin will never want me after this, even his best friend said it...and I wonder why she is trying to help me if she doesn't like me? Why is she trying to help me save something I'm not sure I ever truly had with her best friend?
I gulp. "J-Justin did this." I say, slowly.
This causes Deena to chuckle softly as she makes a left turn and begins driving down an unknown street to me. "Shit, I didn't see that one coming." She turns up the volume on her radio just a bit, eyeing me briefly and then shaking her head, "Even if thats the case...you looked too fucked up to be around men right now...you're coming to my place until you're ready to go home, okay?" I don't oblige this time, instead I nod my head sowly, nervous.
"Is Justin coming by your house?"
Deena pouts. "If I have anything to say about it...no. But the boy loves showing up unannounced...he needs to feel wanted or he goes crazy," She laughs softly and I don't know exactly what to say so she continues, "Don't worry, girl, if he shows up...I can get rid of 'im...piece of cake."
* * *
The bitch looks fucked up.
I mean, seriously, she looks a hot mess but I'm trying to be a nice ass female and keep my opinions to myself but its getting the best of me as she cautiously sits on the edge of my couch, and I see the various carpet burn scars across her arms and the bags underneath her eyes...her hair is a fucking mess, her lips are red and obviously sore, her clothes are hanging off of her ass as if they are three sizes bigger than her actual size and not to mention the numerous hickeys on her neck - damn, Justin really did a number on the girl.
I'm not one to kick somebody when they're down, okay, maybe I am but I have to say that when she called earlier so on edge, so terrified, my first initial reaction was to hang up in her face and go about my business without a secoud thought of the girl but then I don't know...I felt sorry for her, sorry that she truly didn't have anyone, sorry that the girl really didn't know what she was getting into if she fucked around with my best friend and sorry that I had been a bitch to her before, without even really, truly, meeting her.
I am trying to redeem myself, actually, I guess you can say.
I eye her skeptically, as she studies her cell phone, harshly, her pale skin turning another shade of white, if thats possible - okay, obviously she didn't like what she was seeing on her phone. "Want somethin' to drink?" I offer, shutting my front door behind me as I step futher into my living room.
She glances up to meet my gaze and she shuffles her feet, nervously, not knowing if she truly speak her mind or not - see, shit like this drives me insane, I'm just like, say what you want and mean what you say! I don't like all that shy shit and being all fidgety around people...you're a grown ass woman...act like one!
But I still won't speak my mind, which is a shame, because the girl needs a reality check, badly.
* * *
I cock my head to the side, "No, I'm fine," I whisper in response as she rolls her eyes and moves out of the room, leaving me to my thoughts.
And I don't necessarily don't want to be left alone with them - my mind is reeling from the various missed calls I've received, not only from my sisters but some from Derek and mostly from Justin - my heart aches as I think of the man who has set my aching soul on fire; oh, how I want to see him so badly, oh how my body aches to be in his warm embrace, oh how I yearn to hear his angelic voice soothing my fears, but I know this is not smart to dream of such stupid things.
He is not going to want me after he finds out what I have done.
I have fucked up, like really, fucked up things between him and I.
What kind of person am I, anyway? I abandon my family when they need me the most, I thought I could get away with messing around with two great guys, I fucked one and I expect to be able to stay with the other who has been nothing but a supportive, gentleman as of lately? What kind of a stupid bitch does something like this?
I sigh softly as I force myself to stand from my sitting position and move towards the room Deena has entered, I knock on the door quickly before letting myself in - when she notices that its me, she doesn't seemed phased at all as she motions for me to sit down on the bed, and as I do, she moves to her closet, searching for something in particular. "I know you hate me but thank you for doing this." Words tumble from my lips before I can really realize what I'm saying.
Her back is to me as she continues to search for some sort of clothing. "What makes you think I hate you?"
I clasps my hands together, nervously, biting down on my lower lip. "Um, I just...I mean, it seems like when we first met-"
Deena moves back into the room bearing a white shirt and loose, black gym shorts, she throws the clothing items onto her bed and nods at me. "Hate is a strong word and I don't use it...at all - I don't hate you, girl, if I did, yo' ass wouldn't be in my damn house, bet that." She licks her lips, "I'm just really protective of Trace and Justin," Her eyes cut away from me and she snorts, "They're my only family a-"
I suck on my gums. "I would never try to hurt Justin, Deena," I fold my arms in front of my chest. "I care for him."
She eyes me cautiously, "As long as we have it understood that if you fuck my boy over in any way," She points her finger at me, "I'm coming for your ass and I don't do well with words but these right here," she raises her fists to my shocked expression, "these know how to do all the talking for me."
I swallow. What the hell? "Oh, um, o-ok." I mumble, quickly.
She winks at me before nodding towards her bathroom, "Go take a shower, get cleaned up." I don't hesitate as I grab the clothing she has offered me and rush myself into her bathroom, closing the door behind me.
That bitch is crazy.
* * *
"You don't drink?" I shake my head slowly, eyeing Deena, as she smiles at me teasingly, "You can't be serious!"
I've come to really warm up to this woman in the past two hours that I've been here.
Its always a welcome release if I can find anything to distract me from the plaguing thoughts of Justin, my family and Derek and Deena here has provided me that escape - I'm still getting used to wise-cracks and loose sarcasm but I can see why Justin is so close to the woman - she's a hardcore bitch on the surface of things but in the deeper aspect of her depth, she's just a young woman who is yearning to be loved just like the majority of us.
And we haven't even brought up the mention of her best frend - in fact, our conversation has remained in the safe territory; we've mainly discussed our jobs and what we like to do in our spare time - for her, she loves writing music and practicing on making her craft even better than it is and for me? Well, everyone should know I really don't have a life so I base my emotions on the television screen.
So, now as she waves the Smirnoff bottle in front of my face, I find myself laughing. "I'm so serious," I speak, clearly, relaxing myself against the cushions of her couch. "Plus, I start work in two days, I don't have time to get b-"
Deena isn't trying to hear that. "I don't want to hear any fucking excuses, okay?" She scoffs, "This right here is the most weakest type of alcohol a person can ever drink...and you're trying it, tonight," She moves to sit down beside me and I shake my head, furiously. I will not do that. This is where I draw the line. "See, I've been quiet all night long about whats really going on with you and since you can't live it up for just a little bit...," she smirks, "its time to confess, honey."
I gulp. I won't do that, either. I glance down at the clear, white bottle in her hands and my heart starts pounding in my ears - what is the harm in one sip? What is the harm in one swallow? I chew down on my lower lip before I snatch the opened bottle from her grasp, tilting my head back slightly, I close my eyes and let the rim of the bottle reach my lips before I take a long swig of the sweet, smooth drink. I grin at the girl beside me as I think without acting and I allow myself to take another gulp of the alcholohic drink - here goes my sanity.
* * *
"Y-You need to tell someone," Deena is saying this to me now, or at least I think she is, I'm not exactly sure what we've been talking about in the last thirty minutes or so but I know one damn thing...my stomach is hurting really badly; I lay my pounding head against her plushed bed cushions as Deena continues to talk, "I think you need to tell Justin, Sadie."
What is she talking about?
The room is feeling unsteady and the heat is rapidly increasing as I fan my face with my left palm. "Wha?" I mumble quietly, "Is it hot in here to you? Cause it sho' is hot to me!" I burp now and giggles escape my lips.
She rolls her eyes at me. "You're just feeling a little buzz, girl." What kind of a buzz? I didn't even drink that whole bottle - or did I? I don't exactly remember. "It'll pass if you just stay calm but were you telling me the truth when you said that bitch ass Derek raped you?"
Oh, fuck! That's what she's talking about! My migraine is seeming to get only worse. "H-he didn't rape me, D-Deena," I hiccup, "he just didn't hear me when I told h-him no."
I hear her groan as she stands from the bed, pacing the room, angrily. "Thats called rape, Sadie!" She exhales loudly as she moves beside me, her warm hands graze over my skin, causing me to stir, "You really need to tell Justin," She is rubbing my arms, "Trust me, you'll need him to help you through this."
I shake my head. What does she know? I'm fine! Derek didn't rape me! I mean, it wasn't like I didn't come on to him - I deserved for that to happen, I was asking for it, right? "How would you know?"
She breathes in deeply, and then there is a pause. Maybe she has decided to shut up, finally. I hope she has because I need time to let my head stop pounding from all of this unwanted pain. Its time for me to go home, its time for me to face reality, I need to see my sisters.
"'Cause it happened to me, too, Sadie."
* * *
"Trace, you really need to brush up on your benchpressing," My best friend mumbles something incoherent behind me as we move Deena's apartment door, I fumble with my keys as I find her front door key and I know she is probably going to curse me left and right for intruding on her once again but this time I have an excuse...Trace left his cell phone here; so that gives me some sort of lee-way into bothering my girl like there is no tomorrow. What can I say?
I don't like to be alone. And with my parents trying to rekindle their marriage, I've been kind of unwanted around the house, I'm actually unwanted everywhere it seems - Trace doesn't want me crashing at his place and I have to force myself to tune Deena's bitching out when I crash at her place and don't get me started on Sadie; I thought after what we shared last night that maybe, somehow, there could be something between us for the future but like, usual, I was so fucking wrong.
She still isn't returning or answering any of my phone calls and I know the shit is being done purposefully because I talked to Maria earlier today (I was worried about Sadie, all right?) and she even said that the girl was ignoring her calls, too - so I knew something had to be wrong, something had to be terribly wrong and I can't help but wonder if it has anything to do with me? Yeah, I knew I came on too strong last night.
What a fucking fool I am.
"Man, shut up," Traces says angrily behind me as I grin, turning the key in the lock and opening the door. "You always talk shit when yo' ass is ahead of me in something but when that ass is losing at Scr-"
I hush him. "No one plays fucking Scrabble anyway, idiot."
"Well, I do and I-"
I snort, rolling my eyes as we step into Deena's living room. Its eerily quiet. She must be sleep. Thats just great, I'm wide awake and I need someone to keep me company. "Dude, nobody fucking cares."
My best friend pushes me aside as he moves to the kitchen, retrieving his phone and flipping it open to see, what, I don't know, as I flop my ass down on the couch and dropping my gym bag at my feet. Nothing feels better than coming home to rest after a good workout - I close my eyes as I whistle a soft tune, drumming my fingers on the armrest of the sofa, I can hear Trace move to Deena's room, hurriedly, and I let my mind wander to nothing in particular, just bored.
Haunt me
In my dreams
If you please
"Jay?" Deena's soft, timid voice causes me to open my eyes slowly to see her standing over me, her expression is blank and unreadable as I raise my eyebrows in question. "Hey."
I eye her, warily. She is never this unresponsive when she sees me.
I scoff, "What did I do now, huh?" I ask, teasingly, pinching her rib cage and instantly she smacks my hand away and I chuckle. There is my Deena.
She licks her lips slowly, her eyes wide, "You gotta promise me you won't lose it, okay?" I'm quick to my feet when I can tell she isn't exactly herself and that this is probably pretty serious. I fold my arms in front of my chest, anticipating. "You promise?"
I shake my head quickly - the last time she said this shit to me, we were fifteen years old and her step-dad had gotten a little bit too comfortable with my precious Deena - my heartbeat increases as I move closer to her, towering over her small frame, my hands rest on her shoulders and I see her strong, stone-hard features crumble within my piericing gaze. "Can't do that, sorry."
Deena shrugs her shoulders dramatically and bites down on her lower lip, in thought. What the fuck is she waiting on? "You make things so damn complicated!"
I roll my eyes. "Mmm kay, thats nice and all but what the hell is going on with you?" When she still doesn't respond, I begin to get irritated. I groan. "All right, shit, I promise."
She sighs softly and nods towards her bedroom. And I shake my head, not comprehending. She nudges me towards her room and I roll my eyes as I make my way into her small ass, cramped be-
Your breath is with me now and always
It's like a breeze
The scene before me causes me to halt my motion slightly as I see my best friend sprawled out across Deena's bed, holding onto some girl who happens to be crying uncontrollably while shaking about; I raise my eyebrows in question when my gaze locks with Trace and it only takes me but a second to reach her side when he mouths that the some girl?
The some girl is the woman of my dreams.
I kneel beside her as my eyes widened at the image of her unstable, broken, something reminding me of how I once was not so long ago - my heart pounds in my ears as I try to reach out and touch her but she doesn't see that its me so she holds onto Trace's flesh, tighter...terrified, of me.
What the fuck is going on?
I swallow. I'm not leaving her side, I refuse to - she might not want me anymore, maybe she's done with me but I can't leave her here like this, my heart won't let me; I slip out of my tennis shoes and Trace watches in silence as I crawl into the bed, her back is facing me as she digs her face into my best friend's chest, sobbing softly - he tells me he has this under control but I won't that shit go down. I won't let him be the one to take care of her.
I won't let him be the one to save her.
So should you ever doubt me
If it's help that you need
Never dare to doubt me
I motion for him to let her go, but he doesn't - stubborn bastard, inching myself closer to her flesh, I lower my voice. "Sadie?" She jumps at the sound of her name and it only makes her sob louder. Okay, maybe I shouldn't try to help? Maybe I should just leave after all? "Its me, honey...its Justin."
Her sobs cease some as she recognizes my voice - her head lifts from Trace's chest as she pauses in thought, frightened. "J-Justin?" She whimpers out.
I try not to smile at the notion that I got her - I want to rub this in Trace's face but I know now is just not the right time to be a cocky ass bitch. "Yes, baby," I whisper gently, my hands tentatively finding her waist and my heart warms as she lets me turn her away from Trace, so that now she is facing me; her tear-streaked features breaks my heart as I immediately welcome her into my embrace and her arms eventually envelope around my waist, clinging to me like its her last breath.
"What's going on, honey?" I coo tenderly, as I watch Trace exit the room. Serves him right - this is my woman, no one needs to be caressing her...okay, technically, she isn't my woman, but thats not the point.
And if you want to sleep
I'll be quiet
Like an angel
Her sobbing has diminished completely as she breathes deeply, her eyes closed, and I run my fingers through her thick waves, trying my best to soothe her aching soul. "C-Can you just h-hold me?"
I grin. This I can do. I tighten my grip around her as my lips find her forehead and I place a quick kiss upon her flesh, as my eyes travel to her bruised skin, my flesh crawls, my eyes darken, I'm sure and I immediately become consumed with unknown anger - my flesh is hot with rage and I need to know what the hell has happened to my girl - why the hell is she here? Who the hell did this to her? But I know that right now is not the right time to harass her with numerous questions - she isn't strong enough for this.
As quiet as your soul could be
If you only knew
You had a friend like me
So, I hold her tightly to my beating heart - I hold her as she cries silently, I hold her as she grips onto me, terrified of me letting her go, which I never will do, not if its up to me, and I hold her as her sleeping slumber succumbs her body and she lays motionless in my arms and yet, I still hold her as the hours pass and her soft snores are the only comfort I receive. Eyes open and alert. I stay awake as she sleeps through the night and well into the morning and still, I hold her, my heart breaking as each hour passes.
What has happened to my Sadie?
So should you ever doubt me
If it's help that you need
Never dare to doubt me
* * *
End Notes:
Song Credit:
"Haunt Me" by Sade
"My Friend" by CutiePie07
Author's Notes:
Just wanna say that all the FB really touched me from the last chapter and I really appreciate it! I just put this together because I knew I needed to get something together but I'm in a writing mood so FB is love. :) Love ya'll! -Jelisha
Chapter Nineteen: "My Friend" (Part One)
"There is no special time for truth, the hour is now, as always."
Source: Unknown
My friend
I am here
Standing, trembling
With my heart in hand
Don't make me say it
Please just open up
And quickly take me in
"My Friend" - Annie Palmer
"Say something, Sadie."
I can't believe I'm thinking this, can't believe this thought is even crossing my mind, but I really wish Justin would...shut the hell up; am I being too harsh? I know I am and it makes me feel really selfish that I want him as far away from me as possible when all he wants to do, all that he's been trying to do since last night is help me, console me...save me; but I don't think I'm capable of being saved, I'm not worthy enough for this action.
Justin doesn't know.
He doesn't know what took place between Derek and me...he'll never know.
I will never tell him.
And before you start throwing rocks and cursing my poor self out, I have my reasons, however childish and stupid they may be...they're still mine; I don't know exactly what I told Deena last night, I know I had too much to drink and maybe I was just hallucinating my stories to her, which I can only hope, because now I think she's claiming that Derek raped me - how crazy is that?
I admit, Derek should've knew better, he knew I wasn't in my right mind and for that, he is wrong but everything else? Its me, all me. I came on to him. I pursued him and because of this, I can't blame him, I know he would never intentionally hurt me.
He's one of the good guys.
He cares for me.
So, the notion of any thoughts preluding to sexual harrassment is outrageous to me; I figured Deena would blab off at the mouth as soon as she came in contact with Justin, but she has remained mute, watching me, studying me...waiting for me to say something to him, anything at all. But I'm not stupid, I can already tell that if I even mention of turning to Derek in my time of need, my time of finding myself...he'll run with this and leave my side so quickly that I won't have time to beg him for his forgiveness.
I can't risk losing him. And I don't think I'm being inconsiderate of his feelings, I just, I realized something this morning, something so haunting, so unbelieveable that I'm still needing time to actually process my wandering thoughts, my wandering mind.
I've learned irony is a bitch.
Not so long ago, I had been his savior.
I had been the person in his corner when he had been in his absolute lowest, I had been everything he needed in those few hours by just being there, by just letting him know, continually, that there was nothing in the world that could pull me from him, nothing at all; and now, here is he...being everything I tried to be for him a while ago but to the tenth degree.
I've never had anyone, well except for Zora, and last night, I realized I had someone who cared for me more than I ever could imagine was possible, conceiveable.
I had him and last night....
I gave him my heart.
He'll never know this because I'm not quite sure of the emotions I'm feeling right now, I'm not sure if I'll feel differently in the next hour, tomorrow or maybe never at all; this is all so new to me, so raw, so fresh and so everything I feel, everything I express...I'm afraid it might be just my mind playing tricks on me, it might just be the fat girl stuck in her fantasy and so far from the actual reality. Why bother with even inviting more embarrassment than I already get in the first place to myself? I'm stronger than what I used to be, I'm probably stronger than I've ever been, but I'm still so weak, still fragile as an infant.
I'm not willing to let my heart hurt anymore.
Love isn't that important to me, anyway - it can take a backseat to my family, to my profession, to my everything.
Oh, yeah, thats the thing I realized last night...
I love him. Or at least I think I do.
I don't know particularly what I feel for the guy, I just know that now, more than ever before...he means a pretty good deal to me - happiness overflows from my essence when I am around him, I can't stop myself from thinking of him every ten seconds, even now, as I secretly wish he would leave me alone, I kind of dread this action really taking forth - I depend on him now. I've never depended on anyone before, I've never needed anyone before but now, the power to love, or to be loved is incredibly overwhelming.
My parents never set a fine example for me and my sisters to follow - I never questioned their love for one another before because I've always convinced myself it had to be there, somewhere within the depths of their souls, it was there, lighting a desire that I just could never see, never notice; but now, I know better.
They were never in love.
They couldn't be; its not possible - my admiration for this man beside me grows with each passing second, minute, and hour until my whole being is consumed with nothing but love for him, only him - could it be love? It has to be - I don't know what really dealing in just lust is, until two nights ago, I don't think I've ever thought about anything remotely sexual in my entire twenty-two years of being on this Earth; it isn't lust...its my heart.
My wounded, insecure soul is so deeply in love with this man that I'm actually trembling right now as I know this feeling I'm letting control me, this feeling I can't shake can be only love - that is why it saddens me to think my parents, my sisters, the customers that go to my sisters' place of work have never felt this happiness, this joy I am letting myself be succumbed to.
Oh, look, what I have been missing!
"Sadie?" Justin's timid voice forces me to bring my wide eyes to his frightened blue orbes and I can't help but smile, I can't tell him the truth...
I won't lose the only love I'll probably ever have.
Without thinking, my trembling hands find his pale cheeks and I bring his mouth to mine, softly pecking him lightly on his lips - warmth is overflowing me now as I now wrap my arms around his neck, tilting my head to the side, studying him, I kiss him again. "Thank you," I mumble against his lips, kissing him yet again, "for being there for me last night."
He's quick - he breaks away from me, eyes wide, incredulous, "What is wrong with you?"
I suck on my bottom lip, debating on how to tell him the truth but not exactly the whole truth without lying - I don't want to lie to him. "I'm o-okay now." I whisper, tugging on the hem of the black sweatshirt he let me wear during the night. I love the smell of him on me, I love being in the warmth of his clothes...I just love it.
He's shaking his head. "Bullshit." Justin purses his lips, "Tell me the truth."
I cut my eyes away from him. This is going to be hard. "I am telling the truth, Justin." I stare down at my hands in my lap, I'm trembling, I'm so damn nervous. "Thats the first time I ever drank anything and I-I think I kind I g-got out of control."
Well, this isn't a lie.
Justin sighs, loudly, "Look at me, Sadie." I refuse, and he sighs, again, just as loudly as before, "look at me, please." The pleading in his voice causes me to raise my eyes to his and he tilts his head to the side, studying me, eyes are squinted, "You're lying to me."
I gulp, "N-No, I-"
He grabs my arm quickly and pulls the sleeve of the shirt up above my elbow, exposing light brown bruises along my arm, "What the fuck is this?" I jump, startled - I've never heard him get so loud with me before, I've never seen his face turn this red, so upset, so angry, "You got this from drinking too? Huh?" I remain mute. "Huh?!"
Am I going to die today?
I want Zora.
Save me, please!
He has a death grip on my arm and I quickly step back from haunting frame, I can't be this close to him - I'm not strong enough for this. Fuck love. Love can kiss my ass. "Lemme go," I say, low, terrified, and I guess he realized how incredibly possessed he is acting because he lets me go quickly and I move across the room, fast.
I refuse to die.
Justin runs his fingers through his short curls, his body shaking - I think he is losing his mind, "Oh, fuck," He mumbles underneath his breath, his sad blue eyes find mine and he makes an expression I'm not quite sure how to explain or describe, "Sadie, you're scaring me."
I rub my arm. "You're scaring me!"
He shakes his head, "See, somethings not right," He exhales, thinking outloud, "Deena doesn't know you and yet the girl is willing to welcome you into her home with open arms a-"
I scoff, "I was looking for you a-and u-um-"
He doesn't seem mad anymore, just disappointed. So disappointed...in me. "You're lying again," He whispers now, his voice so soft that its barely audible to my ears, "'cause you've been ignoring my calls since the other night," He folds his arms in front of his chest, "and you're hiding something from me, Sadie...its gotta be something serious cause Deena, she," He stops and steps out of the room for a second, and when he returns, Deena is beside him, arms folded, face has no expression, at all.
She probably hates me now.
I will deny everything she throws my way - I'll go to my grave before I admit to messing around with someone else to Justin's face - I couldn't deal with the consquences of him knowing the absolute truth.
Justin is staring at his best friend intently, reading her mind without her even glancing his way - can I just say that their relationship is kind of freaky? He coughs, "Whats wrong with you, D?"
I swallow as she glances in my direction, her eyes still stone cold as ever. "She's fine, Justin." I mumble quickly, nervous.
He ignores me, instead his hand briefly grazes over her cheek, causing her to soften her expression slightly, and I'm amazed to see her features change - she looks as if she is about to break down in tears at any second and my heart is now pounding in my ears - she is going to ruin me! I need to leave! I need to get out of here! I need to be home with my sisters, with my family - I shouldn't be here, I can't be here right now.
Deena eyes Justin, gently, "He hurt her, J." Oh, fuck! I quickly find my shoes and slip into them, my mind racing, my hands trembling - I'll fucking walk home, "he hurt her like-" She leans over and whispers in his ear and I know I got to get out of here now. My life hangs in the balance.
I'm so stupid, I'm so dumb, I should've never called Deena's fat mouthed ass - I should've waited for Derek. I should've waited.
I move to the door but a hand reaches out and turns me around roughly, I'm met with his bewildered gaze, I can clearly see the rhythmic increasing of his heartbeat as his chest heaves up and down, up and down, with each breath taken - I lick my lips in anxiety. "Who the fuck did this to you? Huh?" He is moving closer to me now, backing my body into the wall behind me and I think I'm going to shit in my jeans, I can't handle this kind of close promixity.
I think I'm claustrophobic.
My eyes are watering and I groan. "Fucking tell me, Sadie!" His yelp causes me jump and I duck underneath his arm, moving out of the room, quickly. I'm terrified out of my mind.
Deena's voice is trailing behind me, "Justin, you gotta calm the fuck down, boy!" She is still on my tail as I make it to the front door, I can't think. "Sadie, slow down!"
No, bitch, you're trying to screw me over!
Tears are now flowing down my cheeks unwillingly and I quickly turn my body around, facing her, my face flushed with anger. "How could you do that?" I say, low, my heart aching, my body shaking, "You don't know shit 'bout what happened to me! Not a damn thing!"
Deena's concerned expression diminishes quickly and she folds her arms in front of her chest, brows raised, "You better lower your damn voice in my fuckin' house, girl," I breathe heavily, trying to calm down - I don't know where these outbursts have come from lately - what is going on with me?
I run my hands through my hair, "He didn't rape m-"
She snorts, "You're in denial."
I shake my head, my mind reeling.
"You're safe with me."
I whimper softly, tears clouding my vision - she's wrong, so wrong.
"I won't hurt you, baby...you trust me, right?"
Of course, I trust him...he would never hurt me, he would never do something that cruel - Deena has no idea what the fuck she is rambling on about.
"You sure this is what you want?" He brushes strands of hair from my face away and I force a fake smile onto my features.
I need to forget what has happened. I need to forget my mother. I need to forget Jade, I need not to ever remember that she is dying...my sister is dying.
I shake these thoughts from my existence and lay my head against the cushions of his pillow, my arms outreached, waiting, expecting and scared as hell, "I've never been more sure 'bout anything else than I am right now."
Guilt consumes me now cause it is my fault, it is all my damn fault - how could I be so stupid? He didn't rape me, he didn't, I-
"I slept with him, all right?!"
I can't see her face, can't see her anguish because my vision is blurred by my ever lasting tears - I fumble with my steps - I need to get out of here. I'm no longer welcome here.
"What?" She says now, not believing me.
I roll my eyes. "I fucked Derek, okay?" I say, low, not wanting Justin to hear me, "He didn't hurt me...he never did."
"What?!"
I blink my eyes rapidly, wiping away my tears as best as I can to now see that Deena isn't in the room, at all...its been Justin all this fucking time! I think I'm going to throw up. I step back, hand on the doorknob, turning it slowly-
Justin remains in the middle of the room, eyes wide, body slumped over, "You did what?" He isn't yelling, isn't screaming his lungs out...he's whispering like a timid, frightened child.
He's scared of hearing the truth, of knowing the truth.
God, my heart is aching.
I cut my eyes away from his - tears still falling, "I-I'm sorry," I whimper, opening the door and walking out slowly, "I'm s-so sorry, Justin."
I move to close the door but Deena is now standing in front of me, eyeing me, expression blank once again, I sigh, feeling the guilt consume my body, "You're a real piece of work." She says, eyes lazy.
I probably am.
I bite down on my bottom lip, sniffling, "I didn't m-mean for t-"
"You ignored my best friend for some weak ass dick?" She shakes her head, "After, you fooled 'round with him the very same night?" Okay, that makes me sound bad, really bad. "You're so fucking pathetic, you pie-"
"Dude, chill out," Justin's voice booms behind her and I glance to him, his eyes are so sad, so sad that it is breaking my heart, killing me, actually. I deserve this. I really do. I just, I don't want to lose him. Deena moves away from the door and he leans his tall, muscular frame against the frame, eyeing the floor.
I still have the chance to make things right.
"Justin, I can explain, I di-"
He glances up now, eyes intently on me.
"I love you."
My heart is caught in my throat and I'm smiling. Is this shit real? He still wants me! He fucking loves me! Oh. My. Lord. I think I've died. Is this a dream?
We can be together!
We can defy all the odds against us!
I gush, "Oh, Justin," I move to him, my heart racing, my happiness overwhelming once again, my love for him spilling from my essence, "I'd never thought this could happen to me, I mean, I wanted-"
"I love you enough to let your ass walk on outta here without me ripping you a new one," The anger is evident in his voice, as his blue orbes darken, "I love you enough to let you have some fucking dignity."
I shake my head. He needs to let me explain! "Justin, I-"
He holds onto the doorframe, "Stay the fuck away from me, Sadie," He lowers his voice, "Stay the fuck away."
I open my mouth to speak, I need him to understand, I need him to know that I love him, I've never loved anyone before but I love him, I love him more than I am willing to admit.
I fucking love him.
He slams the door in my face.
He shuts me out.
He breaks my heart in exchange for breaking his.
He tears my dreams out from underneath me.
Its not fair, its just not....
I loved this man.
I love him.
* * *
Author's Notes:
Sorry it took so long - trying to catch up my classes! So glad for this break! Thanks for all the support and FB - chapter is short but I had to get something up for you girls so I can go 'head and get to the good stuff! Happy Thanksgiving and ya'll be safe! :)
Chapter Nineteen: "Battle" (Part Two)
"Within crisis, are the seeds of opportunity."
Source: Unknown
You've got them on your side
And they won't change their minds
Now its over
And I'm feelin like we've missed out on everything
I just hope it's worth the fight
"Battle" by Colbie Caillat
I want to disappear.
"I'd fuck him."
Now, I really to disappear.
My sister turns to me, brown eyes wide, curious, "Would you, Dee Dee?"
My cheeks burn with heat as I purse my lips together, my chubby arms instantly fold in front of my ever-growing chest. "I-I don't-"
Zora waves me off. "You would."
I dare not respond for I have nothing to say - I have no idea who my sister is rambling on about, I tend to tune her out when she talks about the opposite sex; not that I don't like hearing about her latest conquests (I really don't like hearing it), its just...its kind of disappointing when you're stuck in a family full of annoyingly good-looking people and then...there's me.
The loner.
The loser.
The fat girl.
I kind of like my shape, okay, I'm lying but I've gotten past the nights of laying up in bed crying my eyes out because I know I'll never be a size zero like my siblings'; I've come to accept this so you have to kind of welcome the stretchmarks, the rolls of flab and the cellulite because no matter how I've tried, I can never seem to be the girl my mother has yearned for me to become since the day I was brought into this cruel world.
For as long as I can remember I've been overweight - memories of my mother starving me still haunt me from time to time...I don't doubt for a second that she'll do it again to me in a heartbeat, but this was never my pain; what truly hurt is knowing I really don't belong in this family, I mean, yeah, they're my parents, but...I don't belong here. I'm not one of them. I'm not pretty. I don't have guys lined up outside my door trying to ask me out.
Maybe I'm not supposed to have the latter yet since I'm only fourteen, but the way I see it, by the time I am actually to date? I still won't have anyone; thats another thing I've come to accept about my life, about my existence...I'm meant to be alone, sometimes I'm relieved by this notion and then there are days when the phone rings and I pray its someone for me, but it never is and it never will be.
Sucks, right?
"You so would fuck Ricky Martin if you had the chance, Sadie!" Zora's exclaim startles me as my eyes dart to our bedroom door, nervously.
Zora has a tendency not to care how she presents herself in front of our parents, if anything, she makes it her number one priority to give them hell, expecially my mother - my mother rags on me constantly, never giving me the chance to just be a kid but one menacing glare from Zora and she immediately backs away from me. I've never understood that. When did the child become the disciplinary?
I bite down on my bottom lip, watching in silence as my sister moves to the television set, changing the channel. "Um," I whisper gently, "isn't h-he g-gay?"
She freezes her eyes on me, shocked. "Are you fucking serious?" Her blonde hair falls over her shoulders as her eyes widen, my heartbeat increases. "He's not gay, Sadie!"
I can tell she is joking around because there is a teasing grin on her lips, I smirk, "What's up with all the leather jeans then?"
Zora places her hand on her hip, head tilted, eyes intense, "Its a fashion statement." She says simply, her eyes threatening me to challenge her on this and somewhere in the depths of me...I do.
"Fashion statement for 'coming out'." I mumble, playfully.
She rolls her eyes dramatically, shaking her head, "People just don't understand talent these days," She points her finger at me, "Mark my words, girl - ten years from now, that guy is gonna be the shit!"
I open my mouth to respond but quickly close it as Maria steps into our room, smiling...which in turn brings a soft grin among my features. I love seeing my sisters happy - its one of the greatest emotions I'll probably ever feel.
Zora eyes Maria, warily, "And where you've been?"
Maria twirls a loose strand of her dark hair around her index finger, hazel eyes gleaming, "With my man." She whispers out tenderly and I roll my eyes.
My sister has been dating some stranger for the past couple of months and everytime she comes home, she looks like this...so at ease, so dreamy like...so in love; really, he isn't a stranger since my family have met him, but not me, I still don't know the guy, still don't know the face to her happiness and maybe its better that way, anyway. Every guy my sisters bring home to meet our parents tend to be extremely appalled by the notion that I am a part of this family, yes its true, I am this repulsing to the obvious eye.
So, I really don't want to meet my sister's guy. Not at all.
Zora scoffs, "You still messing with that guy with the big ass nose?" She giggles which causes Maria to frown.
"He does not have a big nose, Zo-"
"He's got five-head then-"
"Shut up."
"Just being honest, big sis.."
I purse my lips, "Whats a 'five-head'?"
Maria folds her arms in front of her chest, annoyed while Zora winks at me, loving this. "Its when you can put your whole hand," she moves her left hand to her forehead, showing me, "on your forehead, palm down." She's chuckling, face red, "That boy got a big ass head, Sadie, I ain't lying."
I want to laugh but I hold it in cause I know it hurts Maria; she's sensitive like me in a way, except she's just skinnier than me and actually pretty, but other than that, we are more alike than I care to admit - she is so naive to the world, to her surroundings, I guess this could be a good aspect to my sister - she only sees the good in people. I'm optismistic about love...she's optimistic about...everything.
I could never be that way. I could never be so blind to the truth. To life.
I would never set myself up for more heartache than I need or deserve.
"You're pissed a-at me, aren't you?" Sadie's fragile, timid, voice pulls me from the front of the road before me, I lick my lips, quickly.
I should be pissed at her slow ass, I should want to beat the hell out of her, I should want to do something, anything, to justify how she treated Jade; I won't think of how she handled our mother because in all honesty, she deserves every bit of backlash for how she's treated my youngest sibling - growing up in a home like that, knowing your mother has complete control over your every move, every thought, every decision can be a blessing to some...but never for us.
We never had it as bad as Sadie; I don't think I'll ever understand the reasoning for my mother's treatment of her - vague memories of my mother pregnant with Sadie are rare, I wonder...was she unhappy? Is this the reason for such hatred? My mother has a way of hiding her emotions from people who really don't matter to her, including her own family; she's so strong, so independent that you have to wonder if there ever was a time in her life when she needed someone, anyone.
How do people like Mabel end up being able to have children when there are others who deserve it the most but are unable? God works in mysterious ways, I guess.
There isn't an ounce of me that is even in least bit upset with my sister; we've been worried out of our minds about her - running off, hiding...thats not my baby sister at all - we had been calm at first knowing she was in the safety of my friend, Derek, but then she ran out on him without a word and my mind raced with haunting thoughts, terrifying images.
My family is fucked up, this I do know, but my sisters? We're all we have in this world - our love is constant, unwavering, never faltering; if one walks away from this bond that we share then we flounder, we break, we cease to exist. I don't have much luck in the men department - I tend to fall in love too easily, I've been this way since before I can remember so I've never had anything stable in my life, never had anything to really hold on to except for my sisters.
I'd give my life for those four women, I would; pain strikes me now as I think of Jade - you'd think I'd be depressed, you'd think I'd be somber, but I'm not...I can't be. Jade...her being here is just another pull from The Lord to bring my sisters together again. I don't believe in her dying because it won't happen, not anytime soon, I hope.
She needs her family, she needs love...this is what will save her, I know it will...oh God, it just has to save her. "Not pissed," I say low, as I make a left turning on Zora's street.
Sadie moves uncomfortably in her seat and cuts her eyes to the window, "Maria, I," she pauses, thinking, "you," she pauses again, sighing, "I'm so sorry."
The sincerity in her voice causes my heart to ache, I cut my eyes to her fragile frame and with my free hand, I entwine her fingers with my own, willing her sad eyes to mine, "Its okay, Sadie," tears reach her eyelids and she shakes her head, not believing me, "honey, its fine...I'm just glad you called me."
The grip of our entwined hands tightens as she squeezes my hand, "I-I have no one," She whimpers out softly as I turn into Zora's driveway, parking, and then shutting off the engine, moving my body slightly so that I am facing her, my brows rise in confusion, "I messed up bad, Maria."
I cock my head to the side, curious, "Everyone makes mistakes," I sigh, "Jade knows you didn't mean those things you said...she knows, Sadie."
Her brown eyes cut away from my view as she cries softly. I don't know whats going on. "W-When you were dating J-Justin...did I meet him?"
I widen my eyes.
So random.
I should've known - this is about a boy. "I...don't know, probably."
She slips her hand from my grasp and sniffles. "I met all the guys you've dated, all of 'em," her eyes find mine now, so lost, so sad...it tugs at my essence. "But I don't remember him...why is that?"
I squint my eyes, bewildered, "Did Justin do something to you, Dee Dee?" I fold my arms in front of my chest, anxious, "Did he?"
Relief washes over my soul as she shakes her head, quickly. "N-No, Maria," she purses her lips, "how did you do it?"
Something is definitely wrong with this girl.
What the hell has Justin done to my sister?
I'll kill him.
"What?"
"Why did you let him go?" I open my mouth to speak but her words are rushed, "How could you let a man like that go?"
My heartbeat increases and I breathe in deeply, trying to settle my nerves; I'm going to get to the bottom of what the hell is going on if it kills me, no, scratch that...it won't kill me, but damn will do something to Justin Timberlake's skinny ass. "Excuse me?" I whisper, low, my mind already made up, I don't have time to play games with this girl, I'm going to the main source.
I need to see Justin.
I need to know what the hell he has done.
My family can't deal with anymore heartache. "You let him go, Maria," she's saying now, "you loved him but you let him go. Why?"
I turn the key in the ignition, determined, "Go on in the house, Sadie." I fix my eyes to whats before me, heart racing, "We'll talk about this later."
She's shaking her head, refusing. So fucking stubborn. "No, p-please j-"
I unlock her door. "Get out, girl," I speak low, my voice stern, harsh, "you worry 'bout your family not some little crush that don't mean shit."
I can tell she's hurt, surprised, but more than anything, just disappointed, but she doesn't make this known as she opens the passenger door, exiting, shoulders slumped over, eyes downcast - I want to apologize, my body surges with regret, with guilt but I do nothing as she shuts the door and slowly walks up the driveway, dejected; I put the car in reverse as I back out into the street.
I'll make things up with my baby sis later - I got shit to handle first.
* * *
She opens the door.
"Hey-"
Slam!
Shuts the door in my face as I roll my eyes - I did not just drive out here to get no answers. Hell to the no - do people know who I am? Who my family is? Better yet...my sisters?
I can hear arguing voices behind the door as I knock, again, refusing to be let out in the cold, I need to protect my family from anymore pain; Justin is going to have to leave my baby sister the fuck alone.
He's nothing but trouble.
I make a move to call him on my cell but as I do this, I step back, startled as the door opens and now I'm face to face with the man I've been dying to see - my heart sinks at his appearance; I've learned from personal experience that man before me doesn't exactly hide his emotions very well - he's an open book if his heart has been broken. How do I know this? I wouldn't say that I broke his heart...he didn't love me, I know he didn't, but this is a small ass town and when things turned cold between him and Tyler...everybody and their momma knew about it.
Plus, he had been a complete bitch to anyone who crossed his path - I understood his pain...this man had really loved that girl, with his whole heart and soul but sometimes, people just don't deserve the good things in their life if they keep fucking things up - and Justin? He had fucked up too many times to count.
His good luck with love had ran out, run dry.
He slammed the door close behind him, bags very apparent underneath his eyes as he folds his arms in front of chest, towering over me, trying to taunt me. Doesn't work.
I ain't scared of the boy.
And I never will be.
I smirk. "Guess Deena still hates me, huh?" I whisper, my tone dry.
I never liked that bitch, anyway.
His blue orbs remain intense on me, "What do you want, Maria?"
I can see he means business so I motion for him to sit down beside me on the porch steps, he cautiously steps down and puts as much distance between us as possible.
"You got five minutes, woman, so hurry the fuck up."
I hiss.
What a gentleman.
"You were much nicer to me when we used to date," I speak, my words, soft as I pull my knees to my chest, studying his odd behavior.
He coughs, "Thats because you would suck my dick, Maria," my eyes widen, "thats the only fucking reason I was nice to yo' ass."
I would hit him, curse him out but its not even worth it - he's not worth it; what a pathetic waste of a human being. "You know," I push his shoulder, roughly, "I never did no shit like th-"
A teasing grin eases its way onto his features and he pushes me slightly, causing me to stumble, "I'm just fucking with you, Ri."
Ri.
My heart tugs at the mere mention of the name he once called me so affectionately - the name he would always say right before he'd kiss me, the name he'd breathe on my skin, my lips...so not a good idea to think about this. Sadie, Sadie, Sadie - yeah, thats what I'm here for. "Whats going on with you and my sister, Timberlake?"
I instantly notice the tension in his form as he runs his fingers through his short curls, sighing, avoiding my gaze. "Ain't shit going on with me and Sa-her."
I lean closer to him, resting my head against his shoulder. "You like her." I state, speaking this outloud kind of freaks me out - makes me realize how real this actually is - my ex-boyfriend likes my sister - my sister is falling for my ex-boyfriend; my family really is fucked up.
He doesn't move his body when I rest my head on his shoulder, shockingly, he wraps his arm around my waist, pulling me closer, more into his warmth. "Hey," he whispers, ducking his head so he can see my eyes, so he can read me, "you mad 'bout that?"
He cares - yeah, the guy needs some serious help but still...he is a decent man, he really is.
I half-smile. "I was kind of surprised at first but," I speak the truth, "my sister's never felt anything before, J, this is so new for her, everything," I watch as his face falls, his eyes become hard, rough, "...what's going on with you?"
He holds onto me tighter, his chest heaving, "I just, I," he pauses, gathering his bearings, "I don't wanna talk about her, all right?"
I'm confused - I was so sure he had done something to my sister - I mean she was crying and he's upset and...my eyes widen as it dawns on me; my sister has done something....
I shift my body in his arms, "What did she do, Justin?" My soul throbes as he painfully scrunches his face in despair, "Talk to me." I whisper, soothingly.
He whimpers. "I love her."
I did not expect nor did I want to hear that.
Uncomfortable. That is what I am now.
He loves my sister. He fucking loves her.
I loved him. I was in love with him.
I guess that didn't matter to him.
I should have never came here. I'm getting my feelings hurt.
I haven't healed these old wounds of mine.
"Oh," I say, wearily.
"And then she does this shit to me," he shakes his head, chuckling, bitterly, "she ain't even my woman, but still, I fucking made it clear that I wanted her, I," tears are now falling down his pale cheeks, causing me to be disturbed, slightly, he turns his pitiful gaze to me, "all I wanted to do..." he rambles off.
I place my hand on the base of his back, rubbing him there. "Its 'kay, Timberlake," I mumble gently, my heart pounding in my ears.
I'm not sure if things will be okay, I'm just saying shit to try to make him feel better.
Well, really, make me feel better.
What the hell did Sadie do?
"Am I wrong for wanting that, Ri?"
I cock my right brow, suspiciously, "Wanting what?"
Do I really want to know his answer?
Hell no, I don't.
Please be gentle with my feelings, Justin, please.
"To be with her." He moans out softly, crying, quietly, "all I wanted...all I want is to be with her." His fingers roam over his tired face, "Why can't I just be happy? Why would she do this to me?"
I watch in silence as he cries into his hands, his body slumped over, so broken, so used, and my heart wills me to move closer to him, "Hey," he doesn't hear me as his cries increase causing his body to shake with tremors, I wrap my arms around him, my pounding heart is against his arm, trying to pull him closer to me, closer to my warmth.
"Come 'ere."
He falls into my embrace now, gripping onto my shirt tightly, crying on my flesh, pinching my skin, shivering against my touch, "Why don't she want me, Ri?" I close my eyes, so damn confused, "why?"
Somebody better start talking.
And soon.
* * *
"You Could Be Happy" by CutiePie07
Banner by Donna! :)
Chapter Twenty: "You Could Be Happy"
"Real loss only occurs when you lose something that you love more than yourself."
Source: Unknown
You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go
And all the things that I wished I had not said
Are played in loops 'till it's madness in my head
Is it too late to remind you how we were
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur
"You Could Be Happy" by Snow Patrol
I feel so empty, so fucking worthless - I've lost everything, well, not entirely everything but it sure as hell feels like I do; I lost the only person I've ever felt anything for. I'm twenty-two and for the first time in my life, I am completely, undeniably in love with a man I will never have. I don't know what exactly hurts more - knowing I can't have him or never being able to tell him the truth, never being able to profess my admiration. I guess all things happen for a reason, right? I mean, if I can't have him, if I can't call him my own then...well, maybe I'm better off without him.
This has to be the right decision I've made. But somehow, this aching feeling is pulling at my conscience, telling me I need to go back to him, to plead my case, but I will never do this, I have more important issues at hand like right now, my sister is dying or so I'm told and I'm supposed to be worried about her, not about some little crush....
But he's not just some crush, really, truthfully.
My eyes glaze over suddenly as Jade embraces me into her arms, her skeleton like frame bringing me back to reality - bringing me back to what truly matters most. My family. "Ah, Sadie, we were so worried!" Her short blonde hair tickles my nose as I close my eyes inhaling her strong fragrance, as a child I could tell how my sister was feeling that particular day by what fragrance she decided to wear but now...I have no clue.
I don't know what I should be feeling right now. Guilt? Remorse? Sorrow? I can do nothing but make my mistakes known. I can do nothing but try to make amends with the only people I have left in my life.
Our heartbeats entwine as we hold on to each other tightly, afraid of letting go, afraid of declaring the inevitable. "I'm sor-"
Jade tightens her lock around my waist, chuckling softly, stinging my soul with pain, "Shh, little Sadie," her bony like fingers find the base of my back and she rubs me gently, a soft cry slips from my existence, I really didn't realize something until this moment, until she whispers into my ear of how much she loves me, how much she has missed me; my tears flow freely now, clouding my vision, shaking me to my core, God, I really didn't know this until now, I really didn't let my mind grasp around the notion of it until now, until my cries of sadness overwhelm my body whole....
I've missed my sister.
* * *
So, I don't know what to really think right now as I enter my sister's home, welcomed by silence; today has been...unusual, to the say the least. I never would've pictured in a million years that I would be comforting my ex-boyfriend over his pains of heartbreak caused by my little sister. I should get the trophy for most understanding, nonjudgemental person because I can't believe I'm still in one piece.
I can't believe I haven't had some sort of nervous breakdown.
The history between me and Justin has always been something I used to look upon as bittersweet, as young innocent crushes, love, even but after spending the better part of the day in his presence, I've come to the conclusion I've been wrong all along. I thought I loved him, maybe once upon a time the meaning of love was there but never evident; a part of me believes I might have loved the idea of being with a person like Justin. I'm a dreamer. I believe in fairy tales. Justin, even in his faults, had become my fairytale, my happily ever after....
That is until today.
Justin is in love with my little sister; Sadie, the girl who never gets the guy, has captured my ex-boyfriend's heart. My emotions earlier were raw, new, so unaware of the pain my heart would feel knowing he loves her, Justin loves Sadie and there is nothing I can do or say to change it; for a brief second, I felt compelled to wreck havoc on whatever has possessed Mr. Timberlake to fall for my overweight, not so pretty, younger sibling. You think I'm a bitch, right? I said for only a second I felt this way but I would never do that to Sadie, no matter how much it hurts my essence to see Justin heartbroken, not because of me or of what we've shared in the past but of the present and his failed future with my sister.
So, in the midst of my sadness, I consoled his aching soul and knew my sister would never intentionally hurt another being; her heart is so fragile, so sacred, so timid....she's more likely of getting her heartbroken than causing distress to another person. Something isn't right. Sadie doesn't have that much confidence in herself to stand up to anyone, let alone someone she has feelings for.
"Maria?" I turn around sharply at the beckoning of my name, "When did you get here?"
I shrug out of my black, wool jacket, placing it lazily over the armrest of my sister's sofa. "Just got back," I whisper softly, "Where is everybody?"
Sadie's brown orbs dance. My heart warms. "In the den...," she sighs, happily, "playing pool," her face falls, "you still mad at me?"
I frown. "I was never mad at you, Sadie, I was just worried Justin did something to you-" her body tenses and I eye her skeptically as her breathing increases, "you wanna talk 'bout what's going on with you?"
She folds her in front of her chest, protectively, shaking her head, immediately. Well, this isn't going to be so easy. "T-There's n-nothing t-to say," I roll my eyes, "have you talk to mother?"
I'm not slow, I know she's trying to change the subject. I'll let it slide...for now. "I don't wanna talk to Mabel." Her eyes downcast, "Why?"
Sadie cuts her eyes. "I just wanted to tell her I didn't me-"
I smirk, "Girl, you know you meant every word you said the other day," her eyes widen in horror and I chuckle, "its allright, Sadie....us Kennedy sisters are all back together...thats what matters."
I can tell she's not buying this for one second but she nods her head slowly, relenting. "I guess s-so," her shoulder slump over slightly, "it feels good to have the family back together again."
Her mind is elsewhere, well, really, her heart is somewhere else right now. I need to know what is going on with her. I need for her to trust me. I bite my lower lip in hesitation, "So...what happened with Derek?"
She turns her back to me, her head falls into her awaiting hands and I watch in confusion as she breathes silently into mid-air. What the hell is wrong with this girl?
I step forward, cautiously. "Sadie?"
Its then I notice her soft whimpers, her soft aching cries from someplace broken within her, my older sibling instinct immediately kicks in as I move to her side, studying her broken like frame - I don't understand.
Justin is hurt. Sadie is crying....
Maybe she really did break his heart?
I shake my head slowly. My sister would never do that, though. She wouldn't know the first thing about hurting another being. She just...
"Sadie?" I repeat, my heartbeat increasing, as she sniffles softly and wipes the fallen tears from her chubby, pale cheeks, her brown long hair is now covering her eyes so I can't read her even if I wanted to.
She coughs. "Me and Derek a-are over." She states, her body beginning to shake, as her trembling fingers run nervously through her hair, she leans her body against the armrest of the sofa beside her, for support.
My brows rise. "Ok." I blow out gently. I haven't spoken to my friend since the night Sadie took off with him and I can only suspect something had to go horribly wrong for Sadie to leave Derek alone. He is such an upstanding kind of guy. He would never purposely hurt my sister. I know he wouldn't...I mean I hope I didn't. No, he didn't. He couldn't. "I do-"
Sadie eyes the door to the den, probably debating if anyone will make the presence known in the next few seconds, her empty, sad brown orbs find me now, and I shiver underneath her gaze. What is wrong with my baby sis? "Promise m-me something, Maria." I nod my head and she groans, "Promise."
I feel like we're in high school again - usually it was me coming to Sadie, making her promise not to tell anyone the secrets I would share with her, and she never did; I think in everyone in my family has enlisted Sadie with one of our "deep" secrets at one point in our lives because she's the only person you can truly trust with such information. Sadie never goes back on her word. Her word is her bond. No lie.
I breathe out quickly, "Promise."
Her tense body relaxes some and she motions for me to follow her into her room. I do. I'm so interested in what she's going to tell me that a part of me has forgotten that Justin is in love with her...just a part.
She closes the door behind me and leans against it, her eyes closing briefly. "I messed up things, Maria."
I cautiously sit down on her plush bed, crossing my legs, I cock my head, intently watching her, trying to read her. "With Derek?"
"N-No," she stops suddenly, thinking, "well, yes, but really with someone else." Her eyes cut away from me, focusing on something on her desk.
Okay, we're getting somewhere.
"Someone else is Justin?" She nods her head slowly, pain evident on her features, my heart sinks. "What happened?"
She seems in thought, trying to choose her words carefully. "I-I slept w-with Derek."
I scoff, "No, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
She's bluffing. "No, you did not."
"Maria, yes I d-"
My eyes widen. "Stop playing with me, Sadie."
She rolls her eyes. "I'm telling you the fucking truth, Maria!" I jump slightly at her outburst, her face reddens in shock of her confession.
Something still isn't right. Something isn't making sense to me.
"Ok, first, why are things over between you and Derek if you just had sex with him?" I notice immediately the tense frame as I mention my friend's name. What the hell?
Sadie twirls a loose strand of her hair around her index finger, nervous. "I d-" she pauses, not sure of what she is going to say next. Red flag. "It w-was a m-mistake."
I cross my arms in front of my chest. "Second, if it was a mistake...how exactly did it get that far?"
She looks alarmed, confused, and even shaken with fear. I'm not sure what is going on with this woman. What I do know is that this isn't my normal, little insecure baby sister...something has happened.
I need to know what the fuck is going on here.
"He d-didn't hear me."
I squint my eyes. "Who didn't hear you, Sadie?"
She sighs roughly, her eyes finding mine. "I c-changed my mind but I d-don't think he heard me s-"
Wait, what?
My body trembles as I force myself off of her bed. My heartbeat quickens. My lips quiver. I feel nauseous.
What?!
No, no, no, no....NO!
"Oh, God," I force out, tears clouding my vision. That bastard! Oh, my little sweet Sadie. This is my fault. Oh, I'm to blame for this happening. What kind of sister am I? How could I let this happen? "Sadie. he forced himself on you?"
She shakes her head, slowly, not understanding, "Maria, he didn't hear me, so its ok-"
What?
I stumble as I move towards her, my legs folding beneath me causing me to fall to the floor, my tears won't stop falling now, they won't cease, I bury my head into the thickness of the carpet, my fingers grasping for anything to hold on to. I can't breathe. My heart is fucking breaking.
Why didn't I stop it?
Why didn't I protect my sister?
"God," I moan out, her presence is made very clear as she moves to the floor beside me, worried. "Its never ok, Sadie," I press my cheek into the carpet as I turn my head, forcing myself to look into her confused brown orbs, "Its not ok."
She's so fragile. So oblivious to the idea that something like this could happen to her - that people like him are actually out there. God, he was my friend! This would've never happened if it werent for me...I think I'm going throw up.
"Its not?" Her frightened voice causes me to force myself up, her eyes wide, so terrified.
I shake my head slowly, I'm not sure what to do now - call the police or take an emergency trip to the hospital? I'm going to kill that asshole. I should shoot off his dick just to prove a point.
I smirk. That really sounds like a good idea.
Sadie remains motionless, her body rigid. "I trusted him." Kill me. "How could he do this?"
This is my doing.
She doesn't show any sort of emotion and I'm confused as to why. I'm having a mini nervous breakdown and she acts as if she is unaffected.
What the hell is going on?
"Sadie?" I mumble softly, my heart aching.
"Hmmm?" She cocks her head, eyeing me, face still showing no expression whatsoever.
What is wrong with her?
"What do you want to do?"
She looks away from my gaze, and for one brief moment, I see my twelve-year old baby sister sitting before me - when Jade had first left, we all had been so broken, so shattered because we knew our eldest sibling was never coming back for us, we would be stuck in this hellhole of a home for the rest of our lives and there wasn't much we could say or do to change the outcome of that, but in the midst of that crisis, my youngest sister had somehow gained some sort of courage and she consoled her sisters like we were the children and she, the mother. Sadie has a way of bringing a smile to your face without trying to - we were so worried about being torn apart if we lost Jade but the truth of the matter is...without Sadie....my family would fall under the pressure.
People say she's not strong, but honestly, the entire Kennedy clan isn't exactly Godzilla, anyway - so long ago, she saved us from giving into the pressure of breaking apart with the ground structure of her ever powerful, never faltering love and now...I don't know w-
Sadie fluffs her hair, her slumped posture changes immediately, so strong, so independent. "Don't tell anyone about this, Maria, ok?" I open my mouth to protest and she shakes her head, "Not yet, anyway...I need to deal with this in my own way, all right?"
I say nothing. When did she become so confident?
"I start work tomorrow," she is still talking, "a mess like this gets out in this town and it can ruin my career before I even start...," her hands fall into her lap, nervously, "will you drive to me to the doctor tonight?"
My heart aches. I nod my head. "Yes, Sadie, but we need to call th-"
She shakes her head. "Nope, not gonna happen." She sighs, "I'll deal with this, Maria...I can't risk losing my job," her eyes cut away from mine, "I just...," she breathes out slowly, "I wanted to believe he would never hurt me, you know? I knew what was happening. I just...didn't want to believe it." She shrugs her shoulders, "And now, Justin doesn't want anything to do with me."
I wipe the tears from my eyes. "You need to tell him the truth, Sadie." She seems like she doesn't care what I have to say. "He's so hurt...you gotta tell him."
Sadie folds her arms in front of her chest, "How would you know?"
I bite my lower lip. "I went to see him." She doesn't face me. "He really cares about you," dare I say the truth? "He's in love with you, Sadie."
Oh, I do not believe I just said that.
She still doesn't face me. "I know," she mumbles softly, "I know." Her body trembles slightly but she quickly stands from her sitting position, shaking away the feeling instantly.
I wait for her to say something else, anything, but she remains mute. My eyes widen. "So, what're you gonna do?"
"I'm going to the hospital tonight. And then in the morning, I'm going to work." She now turns her gaze to me and I gasp at the sight of her silent tears.
"You love him, don't you?" I ask, shocked.
How could I not see?
"Maria," she looks as if she is going to deny this until she stops herself, her eyes saddening, "love isn't enough for me right now, ok?"
What?
"I don't understan-"
Wiping the tears from her rosebud cheeks, she nods to her door, "Come on, lets go, all right?" Her shoulders slump just slightly and I'm pretty sure she's gonna break, "Its just t-too much for me to take in all at once...Derek...Justin...," she shakes her head slowly, "I can only handle so much."
I stand. I can't give up. "Justin can help you through this-"
She waves me off. "He's better off not knowing." Her eyes downcast to the floor, "I can't deal with the love thing...I can't deal with him right now, ok?" She whimpers, tears falling once again, her body shakes, "So, please stop asking me to...please, just let me deal with this in my own way, ok?"
I know she's not going to be able to keep on this strong front much longer if I keep pressing her so I give in....
"Ok."
"Are you serious?" A teasing smile presses along my lips as I curl my body underneath the warmth of my bedsheets.
He chuckles over the line. "Hell yeah, I'm serious," I hold my tongue, "McDreamy all the way."
I feel kind of happy I have someone to share my admiration in television shows with now and who would have guessed it would be with the one man who used to make it known he hated me with violent passion? The friendship aspect between Justin and me is still kind of sketchy since I'm lying to my sister, Zora, about still communicating with the guy...she thinks I'm talking to Trace late at night, like now, but its always Justin.
We have more in common than I ever really gave much thought to - but he is so wrong now. Its McSteamy. I mean, come on, have you seen Eric Dane?! "We'll just have to agree to disagree then." I mumble gently, my heart racing.
"He's an asshole, Sadie," He breathes heavily over the line and I grin - I still can't get over I'm actually holding a conversation with someone outside of my family! I'm pathetic, I know. "Women fuck him...they don't love him."
I shake my head. "He hasn't been given the chance to show that side of him yet, Justin," I sigh, "I think he's capable of falling in love."
"Really?"
I nod my head, even though I know he can't see me. "Of c-course, he just needs a second chance to do things the right way."
"You're so optimistic, Sadie," he chuckles and I'm wonder if he is making fun of me, my cheeks redden, "You think I'll get another chance someday?"
I smile so wide my face kind of hurts. No lie. "Everybody deserves second chances when it comes to love, Justin."
"Even me?"
I don't hesitate.
"Even you."
* * *
"Wake Up Alone" by CutiePie07
Author's Notes:
Okay, first of all! I know it's been a long time! But I have to thank Traci and two other readers who personally reached out to me and I felt motivated....so here this is - I hope everyone still loves my baby as much as I do! And excuse the mistakes cause I was in a major rush! lol. Thank you! -Jelisha :)
Chapter Twenty-One: “Wake Up Alone”
“It's okay in the day I'm staying busy
Tied up enough so I don't have to wonder where is he?
Got so sick of crying
So just lately
When I catch myself I do a 180
I stay up clean the house
At least I'm not drinking
Run around just so I don't have to think about thinking”
“ "Wake Up Alone" by Amy Winehouse
Two Months Later
“He is making wonderful progress, Mrs. Thompson,” I settle my body into my reclining chair, eyes closed, left hand to my temple, rubbing, “Bobby is learning to be more patient and that he has to share school property.”
This is partially true; Bobby Thompson had been a riot from the day I walked into my class and had to physically pull him off another little girl because he didn’t like what color her dress was. There have been many parent/teacher conferences in the past eight weeks, showing only minor improvement, and I felt almost compelled to request that he be transferred to another kindergarten class, but his mother, Michelle Thompson, seemed convinced I could maintain her son.
Why?
I honestly do not know. I’ve been trying my best to deal with his temper tantrums, his cursing riots and his bullying of other students but frankly, who knew so much filth could be projected out of a little five year old boy?
I partly blame society for this “ I wasn’t allowed in my time to watch television for hours (even though I do now), or spend all day playing video games “ I didn’t have a life of my own besides working out (what much good did that do?) and following my mother’s strict regimen of how to be the “perfect” daughter that she wanted to mold me into.
“Oh, my goodness that brings joy to my ears, Miss Kennedy!” Mrs. Thompson’s shrill voice brings my thoughts back to her, I sigh softly, “I’m so glad you haven’t given up on Bobby.”
I suck in a deep breath.
Students like Bobby Thompson make me think twice about the education profession. I love what I do, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t have that much confidence to begin with so how am I supposed to be able to handle a snotty-mouthed little boy? But then, as this notion crosses my mind, I shake my head “ this is the reason I do this “ I want to be able to help another, to reach those who seem unreachable. I will get so many more “Bobby’s” in my teaching career and this is just a test for me, calm before the real storm.
“I wouldn’t dare,” I whisper honestly, opening my eyes as I hear my dresser alarm go off suddenly, reminding me of my appointment. “Mrs. Thompson, you’ll have to excuse me, I’m actually late for an engagement-“
“Say no more, honey; I will see you tomorrow morning!”
I grimace, knowing she is telling the truth. “Okay, first thing!” Pushing myself up from my comfy chair, I move to silent my alarm, “Have a good night.” I bid and listen as the line goes dead.
Closing my cell phone, I slip into my comfortable black flip flops and circle into my lonely living room “ my heart thumps in my chest. I glance around me, still in shock that I have something of my own.
I don’t know what compelled me to find my own place last month “ I was tired of feeling like I was taking up Zora’s space and I knew Jade needed somewhere to go “ who wants to stay back at our parent’s home? No one. This is probably the biggest decision I have made thus far, finding this little ole’ apartment and calling it my own, my safe haven.
At night, I still get nervous to be the only one here, to hear nothing but my own breathing and knowing I am truly alone but this is what being a grown, independent woman is; I have to start somewhere and what better way to get rid of my past is than to begin a new life? I’m starting over “ life is anew, as they say.
So, yay me, or whatever.
*
“How have your dreams been lately, Sadie?”
I bite my lower lip, crossing my arms in front of my chest, “Okay….”
“Care to elaborate some?”
No, I really don’t. I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to discuss any feelings of mine. But it’s supposed to be for my “recovery” “ I don’t need to recover from anything. I’m fine. I’m okay. All I really want is to be there for my sisters and just do my job to the best of my capability.
All of this other bullshit is nonsense to me “ forgive me, if I’m too forward but I do this to appease Maria; she thinks I need help and that by letting myself be consumed with feelings I haven’t quite dealt with yet will double over and consume me whole. Yeah, okay, I don’t necessarily agree with her.
It’s been two months since my life was taken away from me and at the time, I thought I would die, I thought I would actually shrivel up in a ball and die, but I didn’t. I survived. I lived another day. Life goes on, with or without me.
Besides, I kind of like being more dependent upon myself than others “ I haven’t felt this much confidence within myself in a long time, probably ever; I love waking up in the morning and knowing that I am the maker of my own destiny. I know I won’t fall in love or get married but who needs that crap? I got my romance novels and television shows to hold me over on those long, lonely nights.
I don’t anyone, really. I’m content by myself just like I’ve always been.
I shift slightly under her gaze, “I’ve had fewer dreams about him and more dreams about the blue skies,” she glances away from me to write her observations down in her notebook, “Remember, the one I told you about last time?”
Dr. McGee nods her three-hundred thousand a year head at me and glances up briefly to study me, she’s always studying me, trying to figure me out, which is most likely so easy because I’m pretty much an open book.
“So, less dreams about Justin?”
Even as she says his name, my heart hurts; I instantly look away from her. It’s easier for me to think of him without saying his name, without putting name to my once heart’s desire. It annoys me “ it pisses me off that even now, I still feel something when I hear his name.
I still yearn for him.
“I don’t dream of him at all anymore,” I lie, my voice betraying me with how high it is, how absolutely close it is to breaking.
The truth is, I dream of him always. I see him in my mind now. I see him laughing at something ridiculous that his best friend, Trace, has said and his blue orbs dancing with mischief. I see his eyebrows rising in amazement when he feels as if he has been outsmarted. I see his pink, thin lips moving quickly, melodies flowing from him so freely, especially when inspiration has struck. I see him lo-
“Have you seen him since our last visit?” Dr. McGee is curious, she is being nosy like her job permits her to do but sometimes when she talks about him, and I feel as if she is crossing a boundary, wanting to know too much.
Running my fingers through my locks, I shake my head, heart steadily thumping, “Not since the last time I told you about.”
I’d like to forget that time ever existed.
“Sadie, please put a smile on your face,” Zora is bothering me, constantly in my face, annoying the crap out of me, “you seem so down!”
I roll my eyes. We are the downtown mall “ my sister convinced me that I needed to get out of the house and have a quality “ladies” day with her but I’m not feeling this at all. I would much rather be at home, curled up with my best friend “ Ben & Jerry.
We have been here for the past two hours, looking around at random stores and I get more depressed as I see these outfits, these size two or four outfits that my behind can’t fit into. I will admit I have a lost a good ten pounds since moving back down here, but that’s it.
I’m a size ten, barely, and I could really care less; before, I would’ve cried, been upset about my stretch marks and my cellulite, but I’m human and if anything, after watching the TLC Baby Story marathons, I realize it happens to the best of us. I don’t necessarily like my body, but I don’t hate it either. You do the best with what God has given you.
The only aspect that annoys me is having to go into these stores to pretend I’m shopping for something when I knowingly know that I cannot wear anything “ Zora might not realize it, but that’s painfully embarrassing “ to have people not even ask to help you because they know they really can’t.
So, I try my best to smile now as she twirls around me in some little short blue jean skirt number she has tried on. I want to go home. “How do I look, honey bun?” She asks, teasingly.
I pout. “Cute.”
Zora frowns. She wants me to be excited. She wants me to be having a good time and I feel bad suddenly because we were so close before and so connected but lately, I’ve been keeping my distance from her and I know it’s killing her. I could tell Zora anything, well, anything, but what is my reality.
I don’t want to cause anyone else any more pain. I don’t want to be more of a burden to her than I’ve already been since returning home. Sometimes I feel as if I am doing this because I love my family too much.
But I can still try to make an effort with her; I know that’s all that it would take to turn her around. “It’s okay,” I speak honestly, eyeing her, “but I think you can get something better.”
She pinches me, suddenly and moves back towards the dressing room door, “I knew this wasn’t the one,” her blue eyes glaze over and she winks at me, quickly, before disappearing behind the door, “you always got my back, Sadie.”
I shrug my shoulders, nonchalantly, eyeing the entrance to the store as it chimes, and my heart suddenly sinks in my chest when I notice those curly brown locks and clear blue orbs. I don’t think I’m prepared for this. I don’t think I’m strong enough yet to see him again.
My hands are beginning to tremble and I clasp them together, tightly, nervous. I wonder what foul things he will say to me, how much he hates me, how despicable I am to him, how fat I’ve gotten lately, the list can go on and on; I wonder what should I say to him? Anything at all? Or should I play dumb? I don’t know what’s the reaction I’m going for, I don’t know what is the normal protocol in these type of situations.
Maybe, I’ll be honest this time around, maybe, I can tell him what’s really going on “ maybe, I can actually tell him I love him more than my own self and that I would never do anything to intentionally hurt him “ should I remind him of these past few months? How much he has changed my life? How much he has made me believe that I, myself, could actually be capable of having a love of my own? Would it be too much if I were to kiss him and hope my love for him will make things okay between us again?
I’m a hopeless romantic, obviously “ in the movies, the guy is pissed off at the girl or vice versa and she’ll come to him and profess her love and just be completely honest and somehow, everything works out…they ride off into the sunset together. Is it too much that I wish this could be the case between him and I?
My heart is thumping in my ears as I take a deep breath, I feel my body moving, guiding me to the front as I watch him glance over various items of clothing “ I’m so close, I’m not sure what I’ll say, but all I know is that I miss him. I thought it was better having him out of my life, but it isn’t, it just can’t be. I’ve loved someone for the first time in my life and to have that love reciprocated is very rare, indeed. I was a fool to believe I could just forget about what we shared between us. I love this man and I hope he still loves me.
There is still a chance for us, I know it.
A smile tugs at my lips, “Who is the chick with Timberlake?” Zora’s voice suddenly clouds my existence, stopping me short, stalling my steps and my heart.
What?
My eyes search frantically and I realize why I didn’t notice her at first; she is so much smaller than him, probably a foot shorter “ her long, strawberry blonde hair is pulled into a high ponytail and her olive skin glistens with what I’m guessing is sweat. They must have just come from some sort of workout.
I step back, my heart sinking, my legs feel numb. I feel numb. Why would I think he still cares? Why would he still care? For all he knows, I’m this big whore who kisses him but fucks another guy in the same damn day! I understand his need to find another but still….why now? Why so soon?
Zora moves beside me now, her blue eyes watching me intently, “You okay?” She whispers, her fingertips brush against my exposed shoulder and I jump, slightly.
An uneasy chuckle escapes me, “It’s probably his girlfriend,” I speak to the air, “I always pictured him to date the blonde, petite types.”
My sister is mute; instead she shrugs her shoulders, moving back to her dressing room. I didn’t expect that. Zora always has something to say, some sort of input she feels everyone and their momma would like to know. But now, she’s paying more attention to the clothing racks before us than to my observation.
I cut me eyes. “This is when you jump in and deny that that’s his girl, Zora.”
Her blonde bangs cover her eyes briefly, “Oh.” She smirks. “Dee, I could give a rat’s ass about who that boy talks to and honestly, I’m glad you don’t talk to his lame ass anymore, anyway b-“
“Zora!”
She holds her hand up, silencing me. “But obviously, you’re not happy about this little arrangement.” Zora cocks her head to the side, smiling, “Why stop talking to the guy if you love him so much, Dee?”
I shake my head. “I don’t love him-“
“Bullshit.”
My breathing increases as I watch him wrap his arm around her tiny little waist. I always knew he liked skinny bitches.
I hate skinny bitches.
“It doesn’t matter.” My feelings are hurt “ this is my entire fault “ I deserve this. I deserve to be alone, for eternity. But still….
He doesn’t miss me?
Zora coughs, “Yeah, okay, you keep saying that and then maybe you’ll start believing it but I call bullshit.” She shakes her head as we both stare as they laugh in each other’s embrace….
I think I’m going to be sick.
“So, should I pretend that I don’t see him?” I ask, quietly, unsure.
“You can be a woman and go speak to him before he notices you watching him.” She shrugs, “or you can cower away until he leaves-“
I move around her, heading to the dressing room. “Yeah, I’ll be a coward,” I close the door behind me, “tell me when he leaves.”
Zora’s laughter annoys me but still brings a smile to my face. “Are you freaking serious, Kennedy?” Her laughs grow stronger, “You are acting like my son, but worse, so freaking worse! Big baby!”
I giggle softly. I need to laugh to keep the pain from seeping through my existence. I need to laugh so I don’t fucking breakdown in this damn dressing room. I need to laugh before I break my heart even more than I already have.
Damn, this is my doing. I lost him and he’s moved on to the skinny bitch and I’m still stuck here…being fat, ugly and alone.
“Nope, I haven’t seen him.” I tug at the hem of my black silk dress, fidgeting is one of my worse habits but Dr. McGee brings this little girl out of me “ I have to tell her all of my deepest, darkest secrets and sometimes, it brings me back to living in that house with Mabel. Oh, I try to forget those memories as much as I possibly can.
“Have you been purposely ignoring him, Sadie?”
I roll my eyes, annoyed. “Why do we always talk about him when we have our discussions?” I shift underneath my weight, “He’s not my problem, okay?”
Dr. McGee removes the brown square-shaped glasses from her oval, caramel face. She sighs, “We’ve been through this already, Sadie “ the relationships that you hold so close to your being is what seems to be affecting you the most.” I cough, disbelieving, “I’m here to help you find closure to your demons that you are holding onto “ I wouldn’t ask unless if it was to benefit you.”
Sure, whatever.
Chewing on the inside of my mouth, I look to her, observant. “I was ignoring him, at first.” I feel a weight on my shoulders, pressing me down. It’s so hard to talk about him. “But, I don’t have to anymore….I don’t ever see him “ nobody talks about him around me so it’s like,” I breathe heavily, tears clouding my vision, “it’s like he never existed.”
But he did. Oh, he did….he does.
“How is Jade?”
Way to change subjects.
Rubbing my eyes, a sheepish grin falls to my features. “She’s happy.”
“How has the chemo been going?”
I don’t like to discuss my sister’s illness; any minute, she can be taken from us and why dwell on the pain of the situation when we have so little time left to begin with. It was hard in the beginning to see her so frail and weak, even more so now since she has begun the chemotherapy, but her spirits are still so lifted.
She has hope. She believes. Well then, so do I.
Life is too precious for to hold onto pass grudges and deceptions. I love Jade too much to hold onto why she left us. I’m just so happy that she’s back.
The physicians didn’t give her a month and it’s been eight weeks. They’re surprised she’s responding to the chemo so well “ she’s a fighter. My family is not ordinary by any means, but we love one another deeply. I would give my life for it to be me in her place and I know she would fight me on this “ our sisterly love, our bond is so strong, so pure.
My love for them is the only sacred emotion I have left in me.
“It’s going good,” I shrug, “I mean, don’t get me wrong “ some days are better than others, but overall, she’s a soldier.”
She nods her head, “I’m happy to hear this.” And I know she means it. I know there is some sort of special relationship between her and my sister, Maria; it’s like she is her special keeper or something. She likes to keep tabs on my family.
“Thanks.”
“So, you know, time is running out and I have to end this as I always do.”
I sigh, loudly. “No, I won’t turn him in, Dr. McGee.”
Her deep intake of breath proves to me that she is annoyed with me. Oh, well. “Your statue of limitations law will expire, Sadie, and you won’t be able to bring this man to justice.” Her arms fold in front of her chest, “What will it take?”
“Derek has moved out of the state.” I say, matter-of-factly and she doesn’t seem phased. “That’s always going to be the elephant in the roo-“
“It is the base to many of your problems.” She speaks, sternly, “You have gained confidence, Sadie “ you have your place and you have a steady profession but this….secret is holding you back.”
I shake my head. “It’s my decision.”
Dr. McGee seems disappointed as her timer sounds off. I smile, grateful. “Some patients heal in different ways,” she speaks softly, “and sometimes, people heal by holding onto a secret that it implodes on themselves and those around them when they least expect it.”
My brows rise. “Are you saying that that is me?”
“I don’t know, Sadie, I really don’t.” She quiets her timer, clasping her hands together. “I just wish you will stop trying to be superwoman.”
“I’m not doin-“
“It’s human to cry, Sadie “ to need someone, to be hurt, to be comforted “ those feelings make you humane.” She half-grins, “It makes you real.”
I roll my eyes.
Bullshit.
*
“Hey, chickadee, it’s Patrice, you know? Your favorite sister! I’m just checking in on you…don’t be a stranger! Stop by the office sometime and see me if you can….I miss you and you know I loves you dearly…..”
I grin as I close my phone after listening to my voicemail. I haven’t visited my sisters’ in a few days and they’re already missing me. Warmth envelopes me. To be loved is an amazing feeling, isn’t it?
Sometimes, I feel so empty here, in this apartment, listening to the sounds of my breathing and hoping somebody, anybody, will knock on my door but this never happens. I don’t think I’ve had anyone but Jade, Zora and my little nephew visit my new digs.
I miss talking to Maria, but she’s been distant “ in the back of my mind, I have a very strong feeling that she is talking to Justin. I’m not stupid. I may be a fool, but I’m not stupid. This girl was madly in love with the man I’m in love with and those urges and emotions just don’t disappear overnight.
I’m not saying they’re missing around but maybe that’s why she doesn’t come around like she used to? Maybe secretly, they’re having meetings about me and the more Justin relishes on his hate for me, the more Maria succumbs to it.
I’m paranoid, I know.
To be honest, I’m frightened more by the notion that Maria has told him about what really happened to me that night. Maybe he knows the truth and he still doesn’t want anything to do with me?
I shake my head. I’m losing my mind!
Stepping into my kitchen, I open the fridge, grabbing my solace “ chocolate chip cookie dough. I love cookie dough “ it’s like putty in my hands. I can talk for days and days about cookie dough, I mean, when you really think about it-
The chorus to You Know I’m No Good by Amy Winehouse (wonderful singer, by the way, but I think she might really want to say yes to the rehab) chimes through on my cell phone and I pick up my phone while biting into my cookie dough.
Oh my, this is heaven!
“What’s up, Z?” I mumble in between chews.
“How come every time I talk to you,” she giggles, “you’re eating?”
I roll my eyes, offended. “I’m,” chew “not,” chew “always,” swallow “eating!”
She’s still laughing. “Girl, stop lying to your big sis,” blush rushes to my cheeks, “so, guess who is moving back to sunny Cali?”
I hope my big behind on my kitchen counter. I should be preparing for my alphabet song that I have to do tomorrow for my little students but instead, I’m going to have to listen to this town gossip nonsense.
Crossing my legs, I nibble on my cookie dough. “John Riley from ‘round the bay.”
Zora scoffs. “Who the hell is John Riley?” Beats me. “Girl, no….,” her voice lowers, “It seems that Mr. Timberlake has gotten himself another record deal with JIVE.”
My cookie dough slips from my fingers suddenly; my heart feels as if it has fallen out of my chest. “He’s l-leaving?” I feel my stutter come back and I curse myself silently.
“Yes, ma’am.” She breathes heavily over the line, “Folks say he is leaving in about three weeks or so.”
I want this, right? I mean, I haven’t seen the guy in almost six weeks. I haven’t talked to him in two months and he obviously has moved on. He doesn’t want anything to do with me “ I’m probably the last person to even cross his mind….so why does it hurt knowing he won’t be within driving range, anymore?
“Oh, g-good for h-him.” What the hell is up with the stuttering?
“What you thinking over there, baby sis?” Zora’s voice is timid, cautious.
I shrug my shoulders, unaware of the silent tears until I feel them fall onto my fingertips. Why am I crying? I’m such a baby!
“Nothing, really.”
I want to die, honestly. I was okay with him being here still, knowing we can’t be together, but he still was so close, but now he’s leaving….who will protect him?
Who will be there for him so that he doesn’t fall, again?
“It’s okay to be hurt, boo.”
I sigh. “I’m n-not hurt, just disappointed.”
“Huh? Why?”
A soft cry escapes my being then and I feel myself close to the edge, close to my breaking point, the point where I can’t go back, the point of no return. I need to stop. I need to gain composure. I need to be this new and approved Sadie.
But she’s a fake.
I’m still weak as I’d been before. I can’t handle too much and this right here….knowing he’s moving on without me, knowing I could’ve been the one going with him to follow his dreams sickens me…it kills me.
I choke. And I felt it then. The vile etching its way up my throat and out of me. I drop my phone, my hand immediately covering my lips as I rush to my bathroom, kneeling over the toilet, I let it go. I let it slip from me. This retching feeling of pain and anguish. This guilt. This shame.
I should’ve told Justin the truth about Derek, but I was scared to, I was afraid of actually having something real. I was afraid of it being too real for me. I was afraid to not be in my comfort zone, my element. I’m used to waking up alone. I know my fate.
But with him, I almost believed it was possible to have something more than just my pillow to cuddle up to at night. With him, I was thinking all of these things; things were possible when I was with him.
Its gone for good, now. I feel it doubling back up as it exits my body, leaving my head dizzy, my body shaky. I flush the remains. I brush my teeth, wash my hands and face, I do this routine so I won't grasp around the feeling too much.
I forget my sister on the phone as I turn on the showerhead, peeling my dress and undergarments from my body as tears stream down my face, I catch my face in the reflection of the mirror.
Chubby face, empty brown eyes, ugly freckles scattered to and fro. I am an empty inside, an absolute mess.
And its my fault.
I spit in the sink, the vile taste still lingering in my mouth. I wonder what he ever saw in me. I wonder what made him fall. I wonder what made Derek decide I wasn’t worthy enough to be saved for something real. Mabel knew it from the day I was conceived “ I was nothing. A blimp on her radar. I was shit.
So, what made Justin see differently? What made Derek see differently?
I stare at this ugly beast in the mirror. This fat, ugly beast.
I see now why Derek didn’t care. I see now why Justin wants nothing to do with me. It takes everything in me not to fall to the floor and sob for the love I have forever lost.
“I hate you.”
Where did that voice come from?
I glance to the mirror as the heat from the shower is clouding the glass and I shake silently when the voice I hear, the voice that is verging on bitterness and disgust is….mine.
*
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.