“There really shouldn’t be this many people in such a small airport,” I mumbled under my breath as I pushed through the people around me so I could reach the doors of the building. “You would think that since the plane only held about nine people this place should be deserted. And yet somehow the entire world seems to-”

“Talking to yourself, Chief?”

My words died mid sentence and a smile broke across my face when I saw Justin casually leaning against a car, hands in the front pockets of his jeans, and a pair of sunglasses covering his eyes. I took the remaining few steps towards him and threw my arms around his neck, squeezing him tight.

“Hey.”

He hugged me back, lifting me a foot off the ground. “What up, Em?”

“I am so glad to finally be here,” I sighed as he set me back down on the ground. “You have no idea.”

“Where’s your luggage?”

“They lost it. I waited forever for it and then the lady tells me that there’s been a mix up and hopefully my luggage will be here within three days. I mean, first I sit on that rickety old plane for two hours, fearing that we’re going to crash and then they lose my freaking luggage.”

Justin laughed and affectionately messed up my hair. “And?”

I smiled. “And I couldn’t be happier to be here! I’m so excited to see Ben.”

Justin opened the passenger’s door for me and then went to his side of the car. “I bet you are.”

I slid into the car and shut the door behind me. “Does he have any idea I’m here?”

“Nope.”

“What did you tell him when you left?”

“That I was going to get some more food.”

“He’s going to be so surprised.” I bounced my legs excitedly a few times. “It’s pretty cold out here, hey?”

“Well it is Alberta, Chief.”

I couldn’t even begin to explain why Justin calls me Chief. He’s got a nickname for everyone and ever since we first met each other three years ago, that’s all he’s called me. Not that I’m complaining; it could be worse. He calls our friend, Becca, Dickie, which is a whole other long story on its own.

“Give me a break. I’m used to California weather.”

“Well you’re a long way from that. I hope you brought lots of warm clothes cause we’re snowboarding all day tomorrow.”

“I know. I can’t wait. I talked to Ben yesterday and he said that you guys were out all day yesterday.”

“We were. And this morning too. The weather’s been great.”

“Has Becca been going out with you guys?”

“Yeah but not this morning. She was still asleep when I left the house.”

I reached out my hand to change the music on the radio but before I reached the knob, he pushed my hand away.

“Driver gets to pick the music.”

I smirked. “Driver’s got bad taste in music.”

“Hey, the driver’s an international music star who’s got excellent taste. Back off.”

I laughed and settled back into my seat. The rest of the thirty minute drive was spent catching up with Justin. It had been three days since I saw him but that’s a long time to not have talked to one of your best friends.

By time we were driving up to the rented bungalow, I was fidgeting with anxiousness. This whole trip was to surprise my boyfriend of a year, Ben. I had wanted to go on the snowboarding trip with everyone but I hadn’t been able to get away from work for the whole time. But then Justin had suggested that I just come up for a couple days. I had gotten that time off but never told Ben. He was always telling me that I was predictable so I thought I’d surprise him and prove him wrong.

“Girl, wait till I stop the car,” Justin laughed as I undid my seatbelt and went for the door handle. “You act like you haven’t seen Ben in weeks.”

“I’m allowed to be excited to see my boyfriend,” I protested. “Don’t be hating cause I’m in a committed relationship.”

He laughed. “I’m not hating,” he said as he parked the car in the driveway. “It’s just funny.”

I opened the door and got out of the car, shivering a bit at the cold outside air. I ran up to the door and hopped up and down a couple times. “Come on, slowpoke.”

Smiling, Justin came up the stairs and pulled out a key to unlock the front door. The house was silent as they walked in and I looked over at Justin expectantly.

“Where is everyone?”

“I dunno. Ben said something about taking a nap when I was leaving.”

“Which room is his?”

He pointed down the hall. “Down the hall, last door on the left.”

Smiling, I took off my shoes and quietly walked down the hall towards the closed door. Ben was going to freak out when he saw me.

My trip to Banff to surprise my boyfriend was supposed to be a totally amazing experience. But when I threw open the door and saw a flailing of naked limbs and heard cursing, I knew that wasn’t how my trip was going to end up.

* * *

You know, I tend to think that I make friends with pretty level headed, smart, sensible individuals. But it’s official: Ben Lanford is a complete idiot.

Emily running past me was confusing but when I saw Ben coming out of his room, struggling to do up his pants, everything made sense.

“Emily! Emily, hold on!”

“Ben, what the hell?” I stated, staring at him.

“Shit. Shit!” he yelled as the front door slammed shut. He turned back to me. “Justin, what the hell is she doing here?”

I gave him a disbelieving look. “She came to surprise you, man. What the hell are you doing?”

Ben ran a hand through his hair. “Oh man. Shit.”

My eyes moved to his doorway when a girl with blonde hair exited, pulling a jacket on as she walked. I stared at her as she walked by but she never raised her eyes from the floor. Ben was too busy pacing to say anything to her and she left without a word.

Once she was gone, my eyes cut back to Ben. “How could you do this to Emily, Ben? What the hell were you thinking?”

“I wasn’t. It was a mistake.” Ben moved past me back to his room. When he reappeared, he was pulling a shirt over his head. “Why didn’t you tell me she was coming?”

“Are you kidding me?” I asked, unable to believe the words coming from his mouth. “Don’t put this on me. You’re such a damn idiot.”

He collapsed onto the couch, his head in his hands. “I know. Shit, I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“You know how excited she was to see you?” I asked, finding myself growing angry at my friend. “She’s been planning this for weeks. She could hardly sit still the entire way here.”

Ben didn’t raise his head and didn’t respond, only cursed quietly.

“And you’re here screwing some blonde bimbo? How could you do that, Ben? To someone like Emily?”

Ben finally raised his head. “I don’t know, Justin! Shit, don’t you think I feel bad enough?”

“I don’t give a damn how you feel, Ben! How do you think Emily feels?”

He stood up and grabbed his jacket from a nearby chair. “I gotta find her. Where did she go?”

I crossed my arms over my chest. “How would I know?”

“I need to find her.” He grabbed the car keys to the rental car and I watched as he ran out the door, slamming it behind him. Through the window, I saw him get into the car and then take off down the driveway.

“What ever happened to a peaceful vacation?”

I looked over to see my long time friend, Becca, coming out of one of the bedrooms, yawning and running a hand through her short hair.

“You guys woke me up. What’s going on?”

I shook my head. “Ben just screwed up royally.”

“Eh, he always does.”

“No, this time for real. Emily caught him screwing some chick.”

Becca frowned. “What? Emily’s here?”

“She came out to surprise him.”

“And he was…with some other girl?”

I nodded and shoved my hands in the front pockets of my jeans.

“I’m going to kill him! Where is he? Where’s Emily?”

“She ran out and he ran out after her.”

“That jackass! How could he do that to her?”

I shrugged and shook my head wordlessly. Becca went to the front window and stared out it for a moment before turning back to me.

“I can’t believe he’d do that to Emily, Justin.”

I sighed and went over to stand beside her by the window. “I know.”

So much for our great vacation.

I know I had previously been complaining about the cold but suddenly it just didn’t seem to matter. In fact, the longer I walked along the edge of the creek I had stumbled across, the more I didn’t notice the cold air.

My tears had long since ceased and now I was just numb. Six hours ago, everything had made complete sense. Now everything was complete chaos.

Ben cheated on me. He slept with some girl who wasn’t me. That truth completely disgusted me. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to throw up. I had already puked once but that was mostly because I had been running and crying at the same time.

To describe the emotions running through me would be like to describe the finer points of rocket science. I was experiencing every negative feeling that existed. All I really wanted to do was curl up in a ball and die. What else do you do when everything that you knew was good was destroyed?

I kept telling myself that people went through worse things every single day. Finding out your boyfriend is cheating on you pales in comparison to the reality of death and war and disease. But…Ben had cheated on me. My boyfriend, who I had trusted more than anything, had betrayed me.

Had there been signs that I had simply missed? Had Justin and Becca known about it? Had Ben been cheating on me for a while?

A particularly large gust of wind went through my hair and I looked up from the snow covered ground. I hadn’t been paying attention to where I was walking and I had made it back to the bungalow. I could see the lit up house in the distance.

The thought of seeing Ben made me want to be sick but I was becoming aware of how cold I was. I couldn’t just stay outside or I’d freeze.

My steps slowed more and more as I neared the house and by time I reached the front step, I came to a dead halt. I took a few deep breaths and wiped my cheeks, building up the courage to go inside.

Seconds after I opened the front door, Justin and Becca appeared.

“Where have you been?” Justin asked as he came over to me, giving me a hug. “You’ve been gone for three hours! We’ve been so worried!”

I stood still as he hugged me and didn’t say anything.

“Ben’s out looking for you,” Justin continued as he pulled back.

I simply stared at him.

Becca pushed Justin away from me. “Are you okay, Em?”

At her words, my chin trembled and my tears began to fall again. Becca wrapped her arms around me and hugged me tight. I leaned my head on her shoulder and stared across the room as my tears flowed.

“You’re so cold, Em,” Becca said, rubbing her hands over my back. “Justin, go grab her a sweater,” she instructed and then turned her attention back to me. She pulled back a bit to see my face and then hugged me again. “You’re going to be okay, Em. You’re going to get through this and you’ll be fine.”

I tried to nod but all that resulted in was more tears falling.

“Here, Chief.”

Becca pulled away and I looked towards Justin to see him holding one of his sweatshirts. He handed it to me and I slowly pulled it on over my sweater. When I had it on, Justin stepped up to me and took my face in his hands.

“I need to call Ben and tell him you’re okay,” he said softly.

“I can’t see him, Justin,” I said, beginning to cry. “I can’t. I-”

“Okay. Okay, Em.” He pulled me into a hug. “When he gets here I’ll tell him to leave you alone, alright? For tonight.”

I managed to nod and Justin pulled his head back so he could look at me again. He cupped my cheeks again, his thumbs wiping the moisture under my eyes.

“Hey, Ben’s the asshole. What he did was so so wrong and you didn’t deserve it. But you’re going to have to talk to him.”

“I can’t tonight.”

“I know. But eventually.”

I barely nodded and then he nodded.

“I’m going to call him.”

He let go of me and then went to the kitchen. I only stood there for a minute before I felt Becca pick up my hand.

“Do you want to go sit?” she asked softly. “We can talk.”

I allowed her to pull me to the other room where there was a couch. I sat even though talking was the last thing I wanted to do. After all, how could anyone say anything that would make me ever feel better?

* * *

“Hello?”

Ben’s voice was bordering on frantic when he answered his cell phone.

“Emily’s here.”

“Great. I’ll be there in five minutes.”

I closed my phone with a sigh and rubbed my forehead. I wandered over to the doorway of the living room and looked inside.

Emily was sitting on the couch, my sweatshirt pulled over her drawn up knees and her arms wrapped around her legs. Becca was sitting beside her, saying something, but Emily wasn’t responding. She was merely staring in front of her blankly.

This was really screwed up.

I stood there watching the girls for another few minutes before I saw headlights through the front window. I quickly walked to the front door. I had to catch Ben before he came in and messed things up even further.

Ben was getting out of the car when I stepped out the front door. He jogged towards the house.

“Where was she?” he asked when he reached me.

I shrugged. “She doesn’t want to talk to you, Ben.”

“Of course she doesn’t. But I’ve got to explain everything.”

I grabbed his arm when he tried to move past me and yanked him back. “Not tonight, you don’t. You’re not going to solve anything by talking to her now.”

“Look, Justin, this really isn’t any of your business. Move out of my way.”

I didn’t let go of his arm. “At this point this is all of our business. You’re my friend, Ben, but so is Emily and if she doesn’t want to talk to you tonight then you’re not talking to her.”

“Justin-”

“You’re not going to help anything by talking to her now. She’s pissed and hurt and whatever you say now is going to make it worse, not better.”

“But I have to talk to her.”

“Nothing you can say tonight will do any good. Give her a night to cool off a bit. Take it from someone who’s been there.”

Ben gave me a long look before relenting and letting his arm I was holding go limp. He seemed completely defeated and I took some pity on him.

“Do you want to go inside and talk for a bit?”

He slowly nodded and I let go of his arm and turned to go back inside the house. He didn’t attempt to go into the living room but I saw his neck crane as he looked into the room.

Once we were in his room and the door was shut, I turned to Ben, who had sat down on the bed. His shoulders were slumped and his head was down.

“I really messed up, Justin,” he finally said.

I sat down on a chair across from him. “Yeah, you did.”

“I don’t even know what I was thinking. I met that girl in the chalet and it just…” He gave a heavy sigh, “happened.” He shook his head. “If I had known she was coming…”

“You what? Would have waited until you knew she wouldn’t have walked in on you?”

“No. That’s not what I meant.” He sighed again. It was quiet for a minute before she looked up at me. “Do you think she’s gonna break up with me?”

I shook my head. “I dunno, Ben. She’s pretty upset.”

“I feel like shit.”

I said nothing, silently glad. He should feel like shit considering what he did to Emily.

We sat in his room for another hour. Ben didn’t say much and neither did I. There really wasn’t anything to say.

When Ben finally said he wanted to sleep, I was relieved to be out of there. Although Ben was my friend, so was Emily and I couldn’t really offer any words of comfort because what he did was so wrong and hurtful.

I immediately went to the living room but it was empty. The door to Becca’s room was shut and I went to it and knocked on it.

“Justin?” Becca’s voice came through the door.

“Yeah.”

“Come in.”

I eased the door open and stepped into the room. Becca was sitting on the edge of the bed, flipping through a magazine and laying on her back on the bed was Emily. Becca glanced up at me then back at her magazine.

“Where’s Ben.”

“Sleeping,” I replied, going over to the bed. Emily looked up at me.

“Do you want your sweater back?”

I smiled a bit. “Keep it as long as you need.” I sat down on the edge of the bed. “How’re you doing?”

She pressed her lips together and shook her had. “Just great,” she mumbled.

“Do you want to talk?”

She turned her head to the side, away from me. “No.”

“Are you sure?”

“Justin, leave her alone,” Becca spoke up. “She doesn’t want to talk.”

I sighed. “Fine. Are you going to sleep in here?”

Emily nodded and turned her head back to stare at the ceiling. I bit my lip when I saw a couple of fresh tears had fallen down her cheeks. Leaning down, I kissed her forehead and then stood.

“I guess I’ll let you sleep then.”

“Night, Justin,” Becca called after me as I opened the door.

“Night.”

“So you’re sure you don’t want to come with us today?” Becca asked. “We’re going to the top and snowboarding down.”

I nodded as I poured a glass full of orange juice. “I’ll just ruin your day if I come.”

“Oh, shut up,” Becca said. “You will not.”

I rolled my eyes. “Trust me, I’ll ruin your day.”

“So you’re just going to hang out here all day?”

“Ben’s here,” Justin spoke up through a mouthful of cereal. “Are you going to talk to him?”

I sighed and stared down at the liquid in my glass. “I don’t want to.”

“But will you?”

I shrugged and took a drink of juice. When none of us had said anything for a good two minutes and I got tired of them staring at me, I decided to break the silence.

“Are you guys going?”

Becca tore her eyes away from me and looked at Justin. “Yeah. You’re ready?”

He put his bowl down on the counter. “Yeah.”

My eyes moved to the window as they gathered their things. They both said their goodbyes and then I listened to them leave the house. When the front door closed and the house was once again quiet, I went back to staring at my juice.

I was so completely tired and all I wanted to do was sleep but I knew I wouldn’t be able to even if I tried. Every time I shut my eyes I could see was Ben with that girl. Like a broken record, it kept playing over and over in my head. Last night I had laid awake all night long and it had been torture. It was like my brain wouldn’t shut off and my mind actually hurt from thinking so much. All I wanted to do was shut everything off and go back to my old life where everything had made sense and everything was right.

“Emily.”

Ben’s voice scared me and my hand bumped against my empty glass, sending it into a wobbling circle on the counter. I quickly set my hand on it, steadying it, and shut my eyes, taking a deep breath.

“Emily.”

I turned my head and found Ben standing in the doorway of the kitchen. Justin seeing him caused all the pain of the past day to come crashing down on me a million times worse. I had loved him so much and now all I could feel was this insane amount of betrayal.

As I stared at him I couldn’t even blink although I wanted to so bad. The long I stared at him, the more hurt coursed through me.

“Emily, I’m so sorry. I’m just so completely sorry.”

I didn’t move, hardly breathing, as he talked. I could see his mouth moving but his words were lost on my ears.

“I messed up so bad and I’m so sorry.” He paused. “Em, say something.”

When he took a step towards me, I came back to the present and quickly took a step back, keeping the distance between us.

“Emily…”

I was already shaking my head. “No. Don’t come near me.”

His brow wrinkled. “Please, Emily. Just let me explain.”

My eyes widened a bit. “Explain?” my voice cracked as I spoke. “I don’t want to hear anything you have to say.”

“But it was a mistake. And I’m so sorry.”

The tears were already welling up in my eyes as much as I tried to keep them back. “How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me.”

“I do. I love you so much, Emily. I never meant to hurt you.”

“You had sex with another girl!” I whispered sharply and a tear fell.

“It didn’t mean anything, I swear. She’s nothing. She’s just some girl I met at the chalet and we were just talking and…it just happened,” he finished helplessly.

I shook my head. “No. Cheating on your girlfriend doesn’t just happen! You knew what you were doing was wrong!”

“I know!” He ran his hand through his hair. “I feel like shit.”

“Good!” I exclaimed, feeling the anger in me rise. The more he talked and tried to explain something that he had no business trying to explain, the more my sadness was turning to anger. How dare he betray me like this. “I hope you feel like shit so you can feel just a bit of how bad I feel!”

He shook his head silently and then mumbled again that he was sorry. Like anything he could say would make this better.

“You know I went through a lot of trouble to get out here and surprise you! We were going to have such a good time!” My tears were falling again. “I was so excited and you were here with some girl who ISN’T me! You just didn’t even care about how much that would hurt me! You just-”

“That’s not-”

“-completely betrayed me! You CHEATED on me!”

“Emily, please…”

“No!” I yelled, my hand gripping my juice glass tight. “Just shut up!”

“But-”

Rage overtook me and suddenly the glass I was holding was hurtling towards him. It hit the cupboard behind him and smashed into a hundred pieces. Ben jerked to the side, his eyes wide.

“Are you crazy?!”

“Shut up!” I screamed. I was so mad I was shaking. “I hate you so much for this!” I slumped back against the counter and tried to take deep breaths to calm myself down before I lost it. I kept telling myself over and over that Ben wasn’t worth me getting so angry. He just wasn’t worth it.

After several minutes of only the sound of our breathing, Ben risked speaking again.

“What can I say to make you forgive me, Emily?”

“Nothing. You can’t cheat on someone and expect them to ever forgive you.”

“But-”

“You know, I’ve put up with a lot of shit while we dated. I’ve put up with you ditching me when we had plans, I’ve put up with how irresponsible you are, and all your irritating habits. But if you think even for a second that I would ever put up with you cheating on me, you’re more stupid than I thought.”

“But I love you.”

“No. You can’t say that you love me after what you did. If you loved me you wouldn’t see another female in a sexual way like that. You wouldn’t have ever let yourself get into a situation where having sex with someone else was even a possibility.”

Ben gave me a helpless look. “But it did happen and I know I really messed up. But we’ve gone through so much together and we love each other.”

“Don’t speak for me. I did love you. But it’s gone.”

A wounded look came over Ben’s face. “You can’t mean that.”

I crossed my arms over my chest and tried to keep my chin from trembling. I knew my voice would crack if I spoke so I bit down on my tongue and blinked a few times.

“We’ve gone through so much,” Ben repeated, his voice soft. “”That has to count for something.”

I shook my head. “How could you do this to me, Ben?” my voice came out in a whisper. “Was I not good enough for you?”

“Of course you are. I-”

“How could you hurt me so bad? Did you think I wouldn’t find out? Would you have told me if I hadn’t walked in on you?”

“I…I don’t know.”

A couple tears fell and I slowly wiped them away. I stared at Ben with dull eyes for a moment before speaking again. “Nothing can ever repair what you did. From now on I want nothing to do with you. I don’t want to see or talk to you ever again.”

“But-but-” he sputtered and I ignored him and pushed past him, stepping over the glass on the floor as I left the kitchen. He called after me once but I blocked it out and kept my steady pace until I reached the bathroom. It wasn’t until I had the door firmly locked behind me that I allowed myself to completely break down.

* * *

I don’t know what I expected when Becca and I walked through the front door but dead silence wasn’t it.

“Where do you think they are?” Becca asked quietly as she unzipped her snowboarding jacket and pulled it off.

“Maybe she actually killed him,” I joked, pulling off my own jacket.

“Wouldn’t surprise me,” Becca mumbled, going to the kitchen. After a second she called out, “There’s a note here from Ben saying he went for a walk.”

“Okay.” I wandered down the hallway and found the door to Becca’s room closed. I knocked twice, received no answer, and then opened the door slowly.

“Hey, Chief,” I said when I saw Emily laying on her back on the bed, her eyes on the ceiling.

“Hey,” she replied, her voice pretty quiet.

I went further into the room and was about to ask her if she had talked to Ben when she spoke again.

“I changed my flight so I leave tomorrow morning at ten.”

“So I guess that’s my answer on how things went with Ben.”

She swallowed. “It’s over.”

“Totally over?”

She sat up abruptly. “Why wouldn’t it be? He cheated on me.”

“Well…good for you then. Do you feel a little better?”

She shrugged and rested her chin in her hand. “Not really.”

“Oh.” I didn’t really know what else to say. “So are you hungry or-”

“So there’s that club you guys went to a couple nights ago, right?” she asked suddenly, cutting me off.

I blinked at the sudden question. “Um, yeah.”

“I want to go there tonight.”

My eyebrows rose. “Tonight? But you said your flight’s at ten tomorrow.”

She stood up. “So? I wanna go out tonight. Will you guys come with me?”

“I…I guess. But are you sure you want to go out? We could just go for dinner and get a movie or something.”

“No, I definitely want to go out.” She leaned down to rummage through Becca’s suitcase. “Do you think Becca has something I could wear?”

“Probably.” I watched her as she continued to look through the clothes. “Are you really sure you want to go out?”

Her eyes turned up to me. “You don’t have to come if you don’t want to.”

I really just watched to crash but I had a pretty good idea what was going through her head right now and I wasn’t going to let her go out into an unfamiliar place all alone. “No, I want to.” I went to the door and stuck my head out. “Dickie, you wanna go out to that club tonight?” I called down the hallway.

“No,” came Becca’s reply from the kitchen.

“So I guess it’s just you and me,” I said, turning back to Emily.

“That’s fine,” she murmured distractedly, holding a shirt up to her body.

“How are you able to go out tonight?” Becca asked, appearing in the doorway. “I’m so tired and sore from today. I’m going to have a long bath and go to bed.”

“I’ve got more stamina than you,” I replied, sitting down on the edge of the bed, thinking that I wanted nothing more than to follow in Becca’s steps. Exhaustion was definitely setting in.

Somehow I was able to push any tiredness aside and get myself together enough to get to the club with Emily. I had fun with her and we danced a few songs together before I retired to a table just off of the dace floor, in a key position to watch her.

I was more than a little worried about Emily. It hadn’t taken her long to get tipsy and I was sure she wasn’t planning on stopping drinking anytime soon. She was currently dancing with some guy and I was keeping a hard eye on them. She wasn’t in her right mind.

I knew she was hurting more than she was letting on. And I also knew that whatever she was planning on doing tonight wasn’t going to help anything. Pushing the pain aside was just going to result in more pain later.

We had only been at the club for a couple hours when I got fed up with Emily dancing with the random guy. She was clearly drunk and his hands were clearly moving to places they shouldn’t be.

A million people seemed to appear in front of me as I tried to move across the dance floor to Emily. When I finally reached her, I realized she was more drunk than I thought.

“Emily,” I said over the music, touching her shoulder. “We have to go.”

“Why? We just got here.” Her words were slurred.

I pulled on her arm, receiving a dirty look from the guy she was dancing with. “I know but we’ve got to go.”

“Why?”

“Come on,” I pressed. I sent a clear ‘back off’ look to the guy and pulled Emily away from him. “You’ve got an early flight.”

Don’t even ask how I managed to get her out of the club without causing a huge scene. She looked ready to either throw up or pass out the entire drive back to the house. I was a little surprised-although I shouldn’t have been-to see tears begin to fall as we neared the house. Because she was still very drunk, I didn’t want to press for details and get the waterworks started but I couldn’t help myself from asking her what was wrong.

“I don’t want to see him,” she cried, her tears inevitably falling faster.

“You won’t. He’ll be in bed,” I said in a matter of fact tone, not wanting to encourage any more tears. Why did I always end up consoling the drunk girl at the end of the night? This was definitely not the first time I’d been in this situation.

“I hate him,” she sniffed, scrubbing her hands over her face, doing wonders for her makeup.

“I know. But the more you think about it, the more upset you’re going to get.” I parked the car and shut off the engine.

Her eyes suddenly turned serious and intense. “Did you know, Justin?”

I couldn’t believe she had asked me that. “Of course not. How could you even think that?”

She closed her eyes and leaned her head against the window. “But he’s your friend. He must have said something.”

Sighing, I undid my seatbelt and leaned over to undo hers as well. “I didn’t know.”

“What did she have that I didn’t?”

“Em, you are too drunk to have this conversation right now,” I said, opening my door. “If you’re functioning in the morning, we can talk but until then, can we just go to bed?”

I was helping her out of the car when the tears began to flow again. She turned to me and said, “I just don’t understand why, Justin,” and my heart once again broke for her.

A smile stretched across my face as I drove down the familiar LA road. The sun reflected off the road and I moved my sunglasses from the top of my head to cover my eyes

Birds in the sky
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel

I couldn’t help myself from pressing my foot a bit harder against the gas pedal. The road was clear in front of me and the wind whipping through my hair from the open window felt amazing. I couldn’t remember the last time I had been in such a good mood.

It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life
For me
And I’m feeling good

The long windy road up the hill was so familiar that I felt like I could drive it with my eyes closed. I had definitely missed this.

I slowed my car down to a stop when I reached the large iron gate blocking my path. I punched a code into the keypad and was prepared to drive through but the gate never opened. A small laughed escaped my lips.

“That loser changed his codes on me.”

Leaning out the window, I pushed the intercom button and then waited impatiently for an answer. Finally Justin’s voice came through the speaker.

“Hello?”

“You changed your codes. Let me in.”

There was a pause. Finally, “Chief?”

I smiled. “Who else?”

A laugh came over the speaker and a second later the gate was opening. I stepped on the gas and drove up the long driveway. I had just parked my car in front of the garage when I saw the front door open and Justin stepped out of the front door. A smile stretched across my face when I saw him and I quickly turned off my car and jumped out.

“Where the hell have you been, Chief?” Justin laughed and leaned down to hug me. I laughed as he straightened and spun me in a circle. “What are you doing here?”

“Visiting you?” I laughed. “What’s up?”

He set me back down on the ground and shook his head. “You can’t disappear for a month and then just show up like it’s nothing.”

I smiled and put my hands on my hips. “Why not?”

“Because we all get home from snowboarding and we get a text from you saying you were going on vacation and then that’s the last we see of you for a month. And then you just show up out of nowhere?”

I grinned and slid my arm around his waist. “Let’s get out of the hot sun and you can get me a cold drink and I’ll tell you all about it, okay?”

He laughed and threw his arm around my shoulders. “You got it.”

The smile stayed on my face as he went inside his house. I loved this place and it felt like forever since I had walked through the halls.

“Well I know you didn’t go anywhere hot,” Justin said as he tossed me a bottle of juice from the fridge, “cause your tan sucks.”

I scoffed. “You’re one to talk. You’re looking a little pasty.”

He raised his eyebrows. “I’ve been busy. So where were you?”

I took a long drink of juice before speaking. “Ohio.”

“Ohio? You mean with your parents?”

“Yeah. I became a farmgirl again for a month.”

He gave me a look. “And there’s no phone or email in Ohio?”

“My parents don’t have the Internet.”

“Phone?”

I gave him an apologetic look. “I know, I know. I’m sorry. I should have called but I just needed to escape for a while, you know? I just needed to get away from everything in LA.”

“We were really worried about you.”

“I’m sorry. I should have called.”

He eventually relented. “Well I’m just glad you’re back. You’ve been gone forever.”

“A month.”

“Feels like forever.”

“I know.”

“So what about your job?”

“I quit.”

His eyebrows rose. “Quit?”

“I hated that job, Justin. And my life’s ambition isn’t to be a retail manager. So I quit.”

“And your apartment?”

“Lola was still there so I just paid my half of the rent before I left.”

“I went over there when we got back and Lo didn’t know where you were.”

“I kind of didn’t tell anyone. She was all annoyed at me when I got home last night. She’s making me cook her dinner for a week to make up for it.”

“I should make you do the same.”

“You guys are all so sensitive,” I replied, taking another drink of juice. “So what’s been going on here? What’s the gossip?”

“Dickie got a boob job.”

“What?” I gasped. “No! You’re shitting me.”

Justin began to laugh. “You should see your face. Why would she get a boob job?”

I rolled my eyes. “Well I don’t know. Becca can be unpredictable.” I threw the cap of my bottle at him. “Seriously, what’s been going on?”

He shrugged. “Nothing really. I’ve actually probably had the least productive month of the year. I’ve improved my golf game though.”

I stared at him for a moment. “Well that’s sure exciting. Highlight of my day actually.”

Justin began to laugh. “I’ve missed your sarcasm, Chief.” He leaned back against the counter. “So you quit your job. What are you going to do now?”

“Lola’s boyfriend’s sister words at this modeling agency and they’re looking for a makeup artists. She told me to come in and show her what I can do.”

“So your unnatural obsession with makeup might actually come in useful for once.”

I rolled my eyes. “It’s not unnatural. And I didn’t go to cosmetology school for nothing. I eventually planned to use it.”

“So is the job a for sure thing?”

“Pretty much. On Monday I’m going in the check it out. If all goes well though, I won’t have to go back to retail ever again.” I finished off the juice and drummed my fingers against the counter a little restlessly. “So what are you doing this afternoon? Wanna do something?”

“Of course. What do you feel like doing?”

I gave him a once over and a smile began to spread across my face.

“It is so much hotter out here than Ohio,” I said ten minutes later as Justin and I laid on lounge chairs out by his pool. “It was so rainy while I was out there.”

“What did you do for the whole month?”

I adjusted the strap of my bikini that I had left at his house months ago. “Helped my parents out at the farm, babysat for the neighbors. A couple friends from high school still live out there so I hung out with them.”

Justin stretched his arms out over his head. “A month is a long time for a vacation,” he commented.

I closed my eyes and tilted my head up to the sun. “I needed a break.” I added dryly, “Especially since my last vacation didn’t turn out so hot.”

There was a slight pause. “How’re you really doing, Em?”

I turned my head to glance at him. “I’m fine.”

“The past month must have been pretty rough.”

My face turned back to the sun, I sighed slightly. “It was. But I’m okay now. I’m over it.”

“Have you talked to Ben since Banff?”

I snorted. “No. Why would I?”

“I don’t know. Maybe there was something more to say. Maybe something changed.”

“Nothing changed and I haven’t talked to him. I could care less about him. And I’m fine.”

“You’re such a liar.”

I smirked a bit and shook my head. “No I’m not.”

“Liar, liar, pants on fire.”

I sat up and looked over at him. “What exactly am I lying about?”

He pushed up his sunglasses so his eyes met mine. He never said a word but I could read his look perfectly. He thought I was still upset about Ben and I was putting on a front that I was fine. Well…maybe I was. Just a little. But I didn’t need to wear every single emotion on my sleeve.

“Damn, it’s hot out here,” I said, pulling the conversation away from my feelings about Ben. “It’s like a sweat party over here.”

A snort of laughter escaped Justin. “So jump in the pool.”

“Too hot to move.” I laid there for another minute before lolling my head towards him. “So what are your plans for tonight? Wanna do something?”

“I would but I already have plans for later.”

“Doing what?”

“Watching the game with some people.”

“You know I’m always up for basketball.”

“Yeah, but…well it’s cause-you know that-”

“Quit blubbering. What’s your issue?”

“Well Ben’s coming.”

That stopped me. “Oh. Nevermind then.”

“I mean, I’m still friends with him.”

“Well why wouldn’t you be. He’s such a stand up guy.”

“Em, he was a shitty boyfriend for you but me and him have been friends for a couple years.”

“I know.”

“So tonight isn’t good but I’m free all day tomorrow. We can do something then.”

“Alright. But you better plan something good since you’re ditching me tonight. Me, your best friend, who you haven’t seen in a month.”

“Yeah, I’ll get my top event coordinator on it.”

I smirked. “You may have missed my sarcasm, but I sure didn’t miss yours.”

He laughed. “Chief, you missed everything about me.”

* * *

“Hey,” I said later that day to my roommate, Lola, as I entered our apartment.

Lola looked up from the computer. “Hey. How’s Justin?”

“Good.”

“I hope he kicked your ass for leaving for a month.”

I dropped my things on the couch and sat down. “He was pissed but at least he isn’t making me cook him dinner for a week.”

Lola smiled brightly. “Speaking of that, what are you making? Mitch is coming over to eat.”

“So now I’m making dinner for you AND your boyfriend?”

“Yeah, remember when you left me for a month?”

I sighed and ran my hands through my hair. “What do you want?”

“Mmm…spaghetti, Caesar salad, garlic bread.”

“Do we have everything for that?”

“Yeah, I got groceries yesterday morning. So did you ask Justin if he wants to come camping with us next week?”

“He’s totally up for it. I told him to tell Trace too.”

“Cool. Mitch can’t come because of work but he said we could borrow his tent.”

“Is it big enough for all of us?”

“It holds eight so it should be fine.” Lola turned back to the computer. “Have you unpacked everything?”

“Most of it. I still have to wash my clothes. I’m going to do it tonight.”

“Didn’t you say you were wanting to hang out with Justin tonight? Whatever happened with that?”

I rolled my eyes. “He’s busy hanging out with Ben.”

“Oh really?”

“Yeah.” I leaned back against the couch. “I guess it was stupid of me to think maybe they wouldn’t be friends anymore.”

“It’s not like Ben cheated on Justin.”

“No, I know.” I rubbed my hands over my face. “Ugh, I just better not have to see him anytime soon.”

“LA’s big. You can avoid him.” It was quiet for a minute before Lola rolled her head back to me. “I’m getting mighty hungry, Em…”

Sighing, I stood. “Yeah, yeah. You’re aware you completely suck, right?”

Sleep in peace when the day is done
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me

Feeling Good-Michael Buble

“Still raining?”

I didn’t move my eyes from the TV and my thumbs continued to move rapidly over the video game controller. “Yeah. Can’t you hear the thunder?”

Ben sighed. “Shit, I’m bored,” he said, leaning back in the couch, dropping his own controller in his lap. “Aren’t you bored?”

“Of course I am. We’ve been sitting here for three hours.”

“I thought Trace was coming over.”

“Yeah, I dunno where he is.”

Ben leaned his head against the back of the couch and draped his arm over his eyes. “So you guys are leaving tomorrow?”

“At eight.”

“Who’s all going camping?”

“Me, Trace, Becca, Em, Lo, Gavin.”

“And you’re gone for a week?”

“Five days. Too bad you’re not coming.”

He gave a short laugh. “Pretty sure I’m not welcome.”

“Maybe next month we can go camping,” I said, frowning when my car crashed into a wall and the words ‘game over’ flashed across the screen. Sighing, I set my controller down. “Feel like going to a club tonight?”

“Has she asked about me?”

My eyes moved to Ben at his sudden question. “Emily? No.”

“Mentioned anything about me?”

“Not really.” Wanting to get off the topic of him and Emily, I asked, “So what about tonight? There’s some new club opening in the city. We could check it out.”

Ben lifted the arm from his eyes and stared up at the ceiling. “We could I guess. Shit, I just don’t feel like doing anything. I’m bored out of my mind.”

“I know.” I stretched out my legs in front of me. “Maybe we could go…go to…” I trailed off when I heard the sound of my front door opening. “Maybe that’s Trace.”

“I hope he brought food.”

“I’ve got food here.”

“I mean real food. You’ve got all that health food shit.”

“So I’ve been trying to eat more healthy. Don’t hate on it till you try it. This granola cereal I’ve got is ama…” My words trailed off when Emily appeared in the doorway.

Shit, this is going to be awkward.

A prolonged minute of silence followed and I was in the midst of trying to come up with something to say to ease the tension when Ben’s voice broke the quiet.

“How are you, Emily?”

Her eyes narrowed. “I’m great actually.”

“It’s been awhile since I’ve seen you.”

Her arms crossed over her chest. “Well that hasn’t been by accident.”

“I was hoping we could talk.”

“Talk?” she laughed. “Are you shitting me?”

Time to go. I stood. “Maybe I’ll-”

Emily’s eyes shot to me. “Sit down, Justin,” she snapped.

I obediently dropped back down. She seemed too fired up to even think about arguing with.

“I just wanted to talk to you alone for a bit, Em,” Ben said, standing up.

She raised her eyebrows. “Whatever you are so sure you need to say you can say in front of Justin. It’s not like I wouldn’t be telling him everything later anyways.”

I shut my eyes and laid my head against the back of the couch. I hated getting involved in things like this. I tried to block out Ben’s voice as he whined that he was still sorry and he missed her and Emily’s voice as she yelled accusatory things at him.

You see, this is why you don’t allow your two friends to get involved with each other. When I introduced Ben to Emily when I had first met him and realized how much they were alike, I should have realized I wouldn’t be able to keep them apart.

It wasn’t that they were always bad together. When they weren’t fighting, they seemed to so in love and so happy. But when they were fighting…that was just brutal. Two opinionated, outspoken people arguing was enough to give anyone a headache.

A headache like the one that was currently forming between my temples. I’d like to say that this was the first time I’d been caught in the middle of one of their fights but this was a recurring thing. They seem to have their best fights when I’m present.

The yelling was getting a bit much for me and it had pushed me to my breaking point. Willing to face Emily’s wrath, I stood, mumbled something about a phone call, and slipped from the room, deciding to get as far away as possible.

I found myself outside in the backyard. Shutting the door behind me, I walked over to the small basketball court at the side of the yard and picked up a basketball. I started to shoot the ball, hoping that Emily wasn’t going to break anything in the midst of their fight. There were some pretty expensive things in that room.

“Hey, you wuss!”

I shot the ball one more time before turning my head towards Emily’s voice.

“Couldn’t handle me putting Ben in his place?” she asked as she sauntered over to me.

I threw the ball to her. She caught it and rested it against her hip. With a raised eyebrow, she asked, “Are you not talking to me or something?”

I sighed. “Just tell me you didn’t break anything.”

“Nope.” She threw the ball and I smirked when it missed the basket. She’d always sucked at basketball. I had given up on trying to teach her a long time ago.

“Where’s Ben?”

She picked up the ball and passed it back to me. “I sent him packing. So now you’re stuck with your cooler, more honest friend.”

I sighed. “Emily, don’t put me in the middle of you guys like that. You guys are both my friends and I’m not picking sides.”

Her mouth formed an unconscious pout that had always made me instantly no longer annoyed at her. I’m pretty sure she didn’t even know she did it. “I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry. I just got so mad when I saw Ben.” She rested her hands on her hips. “I didn’t mean to drive you out of your own house.”

I bounced the ball a couple times and gave her a look.

She came over to me and slid her arm around my waist, squeezing me tight. “Justin…you love me too much to be mad.”

A smile slowly spread across my face. It was impossible to stay mad at her. “You’re such a pest, Chief.”

She giggled and poked my stomach. “That’s part of my charm.” She took the ball from me and this time actually got it in the net when she shot. “So I was thinking we should go out tonight.”

“Actually I was wanting to go to this club downtown. Ben didn’t really want to go.”

“Well I want to go out. And me and you always have fun when we go out together.”

“As long as you don’t get drunk again and get all crying and pukey on me.”

“Hey, I had just broken up with my boyfriend. And I was drinking whiskey. Give me a break.” She threw the ball again and as per usual missed the net. “So can we go.”

I stole the ball from her. “Like I’d turn it down.”

* * *

Justin’s hips are like liquid when he dances. I’ve never seen a man move his hips the way Justin does. Every single movement ha makes is so smooth, so effortless, and with such fluid perfection that it sets him apart from every other person around.

He actually taught me how to dance. When I first met him, I couldn’t hold a beat to save my life. But he eventually found my very deeply hidden rhythm and now I feel like I can hold my own on a dance floor. Not to say that dancing with him doesn’t always leave me a little breathless. But I like to blame that on the fact that he’s worked with professional choreographers before and I definitely have not.

“Look at that girl over there,” Justin’s voice says in my ear, pulling my attention away from keeping up with him. I looked over to where he motioned with his head and saw a half naked girl dancing on the bar.

“Classy,” I commented.

“You should get up there with her.”

I let out a laugh. “I’ll get right on that.”

“Come on. It’ll be funny.”

“I love how you think I’m here to entertain you.” I took another look at the girl. “I would never get up there. Everyone can see up her skirt.”

“You’re wearing pants. You’ll be fine.”

I laughed and completely stopped dancing. “Justin! I’m not doing it!”

“Come on, Chief. Live a little.”

“You live a little,” I responded. “I’m going to get a drink. Are you coming?”

“Nah. I’m going to find someone who’ll live a little.”

I rolled my eyes. “Come find me when you get bored.”

“I will.”

I parted from Justin and pushed my way through the people around me. I got a bottle of beer and then went upstairs and found a table near the railing where I could see the whole dance floor. I spotted Justin in the crowd and smirked. He was doing that annoying thing guys always do where they act all cocky and uninterested in all the girls trying to get their attention, when in reality, they’re loving every minute of it. It’s funny to me because I know the real Justin and he’s so far from that but it’s like second nature for him to act like this in this environment.

I moved my eyes from Justin and the flock of girls to search the rest of the crowd. I needed to find a man. Sure, I had only been single for a month but I definitely didn’t like it at all. You would think my last horrible attempt at a relationship would deter me for at least a few months but…I don’t know. I had always liked being in a relationship. I’m really not a fan of the single life.

Justin had been dancing with the same blond, skinny, model-esque girl for fifteen minutes now. Not that I’m jealous or anything. But this girl was so tiny it looked like Justin could break her in half. That girl needed to eat something.

I sighed and wiped the condensation from around my beer bottle. Who was I kidding. I would kill to have a body like that. I was cursed with my mom’s big hips and butt and it’s like the source of all despair when I go shopping for pants. And my shoulders seem too wide and my calves are just weird. As annoying as that all is, I try and just accept it. I’ve tried enough diets to know I can’t change anything.

“Hey, stop frowning. You’re gonna get wrinkles.”

I looked up at Justin’s voice and found him pulling out one of the chairs and sitting down. “I’m just thinking.”

He wiped away the light sheen of sweat on his forehead. “Bout what?”

I shrugged as an answer.

“So I was thinking about you dancing on the bar.”

I began to smile. “Justin, I am NOT-”

“For fifty bucks?”

“No!” I laughed.

“A hundred.”

“If I get up there you’ll take a picture of me and show everyone. There’s nothing you can say to get me to even consider it.”

He gave a dramatic sigh. “I need to find more fun people to go out with. You aren’t cutting it.”

I rolled my eyes. What a little shit. “You don’t know anyone more fun than me. Don’t kid yourself.”

“Juuuuustin…are one of those hotdogs for me?”

Justin looked up from the campfire as I sidled up to him the next day. “Sorry, Chief, but I’m starving.”

A frown formed across my face. Justin was like the king of the perfectly cooked hotdog and if he didn’t cook me one, I was going to be stuck with the burnt one Lola was currently cooking. Turning on all the charm I could muster, I wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed my cheek against his.

“Justin…if you give me one of those hotdogs I’ll make you a s’more tonight.”

He sighed like I had asked him to give me one of his kidneys. “Fine.”

“Yay! Thanks!” I gave him a loud kiss on his cheek and then straightened. “You rock my world.”

“And I rock your headboard every night.”

I laughed and let out a whoop. “Damn right, stud!”

“You’re so hyper right now,” he commented with a laugh.

“I’m excited to be camping. I love camping.”

Justin’s brow furrowed in concentration as he turned the hotdogs just slightly. “Can you get some buns?”

“Yep.” I went over to the picnic table where Becca and Lola’s cousin, Gavin, were standing. “Can you hook me up with some buns?”

Gavin handed me a couple. “I rolled a couple joints and we were going to go smoke them after we eat. Are you going to come?”

I smiled a bit. Gavin is such a pothead. I had been wondering when his stash was going to make an appearance. I squirted ketchup in one of the buns and considered his offer. “Not today. I’ll get tired and I was going to go swimming.”

“What about Justin?” Becca asked.

“I’ll ask.” I left them and returned to Justin. I handed him the buns and then sat down in the camping chair beside him. “Everyone’s going smoking. Are you going with them?”

“Not tonight. I don’t really feel like it. Are you?”

“No. I want to swim after we eat.” I took the hot dog he handed me and took a bite.

Absolute perfection.

“So will you come swimming with me after we eat?” I asked though a mouthful of hotdog.

“Yeah, sure.”

I put the last bite in my mouth, chewed, and swallowed. I stared at the fire for a minute before glancing over and Justin and sighing. He was barely halfway through his hotdog.

I really can’t explain how it’s possible for a human being to eat as slow as Justin. Now, I’m a fast eater and I know that. But Justin is incredibly slow. He’s always the last one eating when a group of us go out for dinner. Actually, once I tried to eat as slow as I possibly could and see if I could get him to finish before me. Of course he didn’t. It drives me nuts because I simply don’t understand the purpose of eating that slow.

I grabbed his phone from his lap and began to through the pictures he had stored in it to pass the time before we went swimming. I had just grown bored with that when his phone vibrated in my hand and a message popped up on the screen.

“You got a new text message.”

Justin licked a bit of ketchup from his thumb. “What does it say?”

I pushed a button and some annoyance went through me when I saw the message was from Ben. I read it and frowned.

“Who’s Katrina?”

“What?”

“ ‘Katrina just made me a kick ass lunch’,” I read. “From Ben.”

Justin cracked his jaw, something he only does when he’s nervous or angry. “Uh…she’s this girl he’s, uh, seeing,” he mumbled, stuffing the last of his hotdog in his mouth so the end of his sentence was muffled.

“Seeing,” I questioned with an obvious edge in my voice. “Like dating?”

He was now avoiding my eyes. “I guess.”

I really hated Ben. “Since when?”

“I dunno. Just a few days. You know, it’s not really dating. They’re-”

I didn’t want to hear anything more so I stood. “I actually think I’m going to go with everyone else.”

Justin’s eyes narrowed a bit. “Emily-”

“Lola!” I called, ignoring him. “Are you guys going soon?”

“Right now. Are you coming?”

“Yep.”

Justin tried again. “Emily-”

Everyone started moving to the path leading out of our campsite and I went to catch up with them.

“Hey, Emily!”

I turned when Justin yelled my name. “What?”

He gestured for me to come back over to where he was still standing by the fire. With a loud sigh, I went back over to him.

“Yes?”

He grabbed my arm and pulled me a bit further away from everyone else. “What are you doing, Emily?”

I smiled slightly. “Specifics or…?”

“Why are you going to get high?”

“Why not?”

“Come on, Em.”

This time it was my eyes that narrowed. “Don’t even start to give me a holier than though speech. Don’t act like you never get high cause that’s bullshit.”

“I’m not saying that. But you’re pissed that Ben’s dating some girl and if you think getting high is going to make things better, you’re wrong.”

“Have I ever mentioned how much I hate it when you try and analyze me?” I replied, my hand coming to rest on my hip.

“I’m just trying to look out for you.”

“I’m twenty four and I already have parents, thanks.”

“Em, stop acting like this. You really need to stop running from your problems. You’re stronger than this.”

My annoyance was definitely rising. “Stop it.”

“Em-i-ly!” Trace called. “Are you coming?”

“I thought we were going swimming,” Justin said.

I gave him a pointed, annoyed look before turning away. “Yeah, I’m coming,” I said. I went over to them and we all began to walk out of our campsite. I threw one last look over my shoulder at Justin standing there before following my friends.

* * *

“You’re starting to look pink,” I commented to Lola. “Do you have sunscreen on?”

Lola raised her arm up and examined her skin. “SPF fifteen.”

I laughed slightly. “It’s like forty degrees. You’re gonna burn if you don’t put something stronger on.”

“Becca only has tanning oil on.”

I turned my head to look at Becca lying on the beach a few yards away. “She’s not white. You’re like albinoish.”

Lola threw a glare at me. “I’m not THAT white.”

I smiled and tilted my face towards the sun. “Notice that I had to put my sunglasses on when you came over here cause of the glare of the sun coming off your skin?”

She huffed for a second and then stood up. “Whatever. I’m going to go back to the site and get more sunscreen.”

I smiled as I returned my eyes to the magazine I had been previously reading. I had probably been reading for five minutes before a shadow was cast over me. I glanced up. As soon as my eyes made contact with Emily standing there, I looked back to the magazine. I really didn’t want to talk to her. Although completely aware of her every move, I tried to ignore her as best I could.

“Have you been out here the whole time?” she asked, sitting beside me.

I barely nodded and kept my eyes on the magazine even though I couldn’t make myself actually concentrate enough to read any of the words.

“I was sleeping in the tent and it was like a million degrees in there when I woke up,” she said, squirting some sunscreen on her arms and rubbing it in. “It better cool off in there by tonight or that’ll be gross.”

At this point I was beginning to wonder how long it was going to take her to realize I wasn’t talking to her. She usually isn’t so dense.

“Lola came back to the tent while I was back there and she was so red. I don’t know why that girl thinks she can sit out in the sun with like no sunscreen on. She’s too fair skinned for that.” Emily moved to rub the sunscreen into her legs. “Are you mad at me for earlier? Is that why you’re not talking to me?”

I let the silence hang over us for another long moment before speaking. “I just don’t feel like talking.”

She snorted and placed the bottle of lotion off to the side. “Justin…come on. Was it really that big of a deal.”

I raised my eyebrows, said nothing, and moved my eyes back to my magazine.

She sighed. “Why are you mad? Just because I ditched you?”

I looked up and sighed. She was doing that pout thing again. “You have to start facing your problems. It isn’t healthy to run away every time you don’t want to deal with something.”

She stared at me for a moment. “I’m not running away from anything. Ben can date who ever he wants. We broke up so why would I even care.”

“Because you’re still hurting over the break up.”

“No, I’m not.”

“It’s not a bad thing to still be upset. But it’s bad to just keep running away.”

“I’m not running away. When have I ever run away?”

A small laugh escaped me. “Uh, maybe when you went to Ohio for a month? Or how about when you caught Ben cheating and you disappeared for three hours? Or what about all the times you’ve shown up at my house because you and Ben got into a fight and you couldn’t ‘deal with him’?” I could see she was about to protest so I quickly continued. “And today you didn’t want to deal with the fact that Ben is seeing some girl so you decided to go do something where you wouldn’t have to think about it.”

Her shoulders slumped and she shook her head. “So maybe that’s just how I deal with things. And maybe it’s not the most healthy thing but it’s what works for me, okay?”

“You know it’s okay to still be upset over Ben, right? You don’t have to pretend to just be over it.”

“I know that.” She fell silent and I watched as a look of sadness flickered through her eyes as she sat there. It was at that point that I began to wonder just how much pain she had been pushing inside over the past few weeks.

“And you know if you need to talk to someone who’s been through it, you can always talk to me.”

“I know.” She sighed. “I just don’t like to think about it.”

“But it does no good to try and ignore it.”

She nodded. “I know. You’re right.” She ran her hands down her legs. “So are you still mad at me?”

I couldn’t stop myself from letting a small smile spread over my face. “No.” Didn’t she know I never could stay mad at her?

She giggled. “Come on, let’s hug it out.”

Laughing, I leaned in to her and accepted her hug. She squeezed me tight and then leaned back.

“Still up for swimming?”

“Sure.” I put my magazine to the side and got up with her. Becca and Gavin were already in the lake and I trailed behind Emily as she ran into the water to join them.

I hoped she had actually listened to what I had said. She had the tendency to push things down and try to ignore it when something went wrong. This definitely wasn’t the first time I had said something to her about it.

Everyone somehow convinced me to play chicken and I was regretting it even before we started. Having Becca on my shoulders, hitting my head when I’m not playing well enough, isn’t exactly my idea of a good time. Like the prospect of potential brain damage is supposed to somehow motivate me.

When my shoulders were eventually aching too much, I convinced them to end the game. I could feel my skin burning so I went back to the beach to grab more sunscreen. Once there, I laid back on my towel and pulled my hat over my face. I was so glad to be able to just have a week off and enjoy myself. I haven’t gone camping in years and I’ve forgotten how much fun it was.

Hearing Emily and Becca’s laughter, I lifted my hat and raised my head to see them coming out of the water and walking towards me. My eyes traveled over Emily as she neared.

She had been looking pretty good these days Whatever farm work she had been doing in Ohio had definitely worked for her. Her entire body looked more toned. Not that she’d believe it if I ever said anything. She had this really warped body image thing going on. She’s constantly complaining about her ass and hips and how they’re too big even though they’ve always seemed pretty good to me. And she’s always going on about some calf deformity or something, which goes completely over my head. I have never met another soul besides her who has issues with her calves.

Yeah, so I really don’t know why she has such problems with her body. From where I’m sitting, she’s looking pretty good in her bikini with water running down her skin.

I had never told anyone, but right before she and Ben had gotten together, I had been thinking of maybe getting something started with her. We got along so good and I had always been attracted to her. But then she and Ben had hooked up and I had laid off. I just pushed away any feelings about her to the side because I didn’t want to ruin anything between her and Ben. There had always been something there though.

“I’ve decided that I’m going to be as brown as Becca by time we leave,” Emily announced as she and Becca reached me.

I smiled. “Dickie’s half black though.”

“Are you doubting my tanning abilities, Justin?” Emily asked, resting her hands on her hips.

“I’ll give you twenty bucks if you’re even close to Becca’s color when we leave,” I began.

She smiled. “Perfect.”

“BUT if you’re not than you have to clean my house.”

She narrowed her eyes at me. “Don’t you pay someone to do that?”

“Elsie has a couple weeks off,” I shrugged. “What, are you suddenly doubting your tanning abilities, Chief?”

Her eyes narrowed even more. “No. Be prepared to be out twenty bucks.”

I pulled my hat back on my head. “Yeah, I’m really scared.”

So you know how a tent is meant for a certain number of people but if you really pack that number of people in it, it seems incredibly cramped? Well apparently no one thought of that when we borrowed Mitch’s six person tent. After we had it set up and tried laying all our sleeping bags in there, we quickly realized that it wasn’t going to work.

Lucky for everyone, I had brought my small tent to put all our bags in so I once again saved the day. Well I guess that depends on who you ask because no one wanted to sleep in it because it’s a little ghetto. I really had no problem staying in there but, of course, everyone else had to make this big production of drawing sticks to see who else had to sleep in there. I’m not going to lie and say I wasn’t a little pleased when I saw Justin got the short stick and was going to be stuck in there with me. He’s always so high maintenance and I like when he actually has to rough it. What’s best is his big air mattress won’t fit in my tent so he has to use Lola’s old one. Is it so wrong that I’m getting pleasure out of his misfortune?

It turned out that his misfortune turned into my misfortune that night because my tent definitely isn’t well insulated and by time we were trying to sleep at two thirty in the morning, I swear it was like maybe five degrees in there. I was laying there trying not to let any of the cold air into my sleeping bag that was wrapped tightly around me, while Justin kept tossing and turning beside me. How it could be so hot this afternoon and so cold tonight is beyond me.

“Justin!” I whispered into the dark. “Are you absolutely freezing?”

“Shit, yeah,” came his grumbled reply. “You know, maybe I had my air mattress and I was comfortable I could overlook the cold but Lo’s mattress is a piece of shit. Is there a hole in this thing cause I can completely feel the ground.”

I sighed. “This sucks.”

“Maybe if your tent wasn’t so ghetto…”

My voice was turning into a whine. “Justin, I’m so cold!”

This time he sighed and I heard him moving around again. “Get up for a minute.”

“Are you crazy? I’m already cold.”

“Just for a minute.”

Groaning and frowning, I pulled myself out of my sleeping bag. There are no words to describe how cold the air was that hit me. I pulled myself into a ball into the corner of the small tent while Justin messed around with our sleeping bags. It took about a full minute before he told me to get back in bed. I found my sleeping bag in the dark and jumped a bit when I realized he had zipped our sleeping bags together.

“Why’d you do that?”

“Cause body heat will keep us warm.” I felt him move over to me in the sleeping bag. “Who cares.”

Let’s be honest, I was still a little drunk from that night and it was just enough to not care about sharing a sleeping bag with him. So I moved closer to him and once I found his body, I curled myself into a ball against him. He put his arms around me and pulled me a little tighter against him.

“Tell me you aren’t seriously wearing shorts right now,” he said after a moment of silence.

“I always wear shorts to bed.”

He began to laugh. “But we’re camping and it’s always cold at night.”

“Look, this is how I camp,” I defended myself.

“By freezing your ass off?”

A chill went through me and I curled into a tighter ball. “So maybe I wasn’t thinking when I packed.” I tucked my head into his chest and sighed. We both fell silent and after a few minutes, some tension left my body as I warmed slightly. Maybe this body heat thing wasn’t such a bad idea.

Although it was really late-or really early, depending on how you looked at it-I wasn’t tired. I had been previously but after all the moving around, I was once again wide awake and now my mind was drifting to other places. Finally after a few minutes, the question inside of me was itching to come out.

“Justin?” I asked, lifting my head so I could see his face. His eyes stayed closed but he responded.

“Yeah.”

I bit my lower lip and was quiet for a moment. “This afternoon when you got that text message from Ben…”

His eyes opened.

“You said Katrina was a girl he was dating.”

“Yeah.”

“How long have they been dating?”

“They aren’t like dating-dating. It’s not super serious.”

“But for how long?”

“Maybe a week.”

My eyes moved away from his eyes as my mind processed his answer. “But…but when I saw him yesterday he never said he was seeing anyone.”

“Did you ask?”

“No. But he told me he wanted to get back together. Why would he say that if he was already seeing someone else?”

Justin didn’t say anything and he began to shift a bit, seemingly uncomfortable.

“Not that I would have gotten back together with him, but if I had, what would have happened with that girl?”

He was still silent and I turned my eyes up to his face again. Come on, Justin. I really need some words of wisdom.

“Don’t you dare fall asleep,” I said and his eyes opened and he smiled.

“I’m not. I’m just trying to figure out what to say without pissing off you or him.” He sighed. “Ben and this girl are really casual right now and when you talked to him they were probably even more casual. Maybe it was really nothing when he talked to you. And maybe when you said no he decided to move on.”

“Or maybe he just wanted to keep a few options so he’d never be without a bedmate.”

Justin paused at my words. “Maybe.”

My eyebrows rose. I hadn’t expected that response. “You think that’s what he’s doing?”

“I dunno, Em. I can’t explain Ben’s behavior. I don’t think he’s out to continually screw you over though.”

“He’s done enough of that to last me a lifetime,” I mumbled, tucking my head down again. The tent was silent again. Finally Justin’s quiet voice met my ears.

“All I know is that Ben would be a fool to not try to get you back every chance he got.”

He was trying to make me feel better but as much as he said, I couldn’t stop myself from feeling sad about the whole Ben thing. Not that I wanted to get back together with him because I had learned my lesson and I’m not stupid. I totally believe in that whole fool me once, fool me twice thing. But that sure as hell isn’t stopping these tears from forming in my eyes and falling down my cheeks. I squeezed my eyes shut tight and pressed my lips together. I didn’t want Justin to know I was crying or he’d want me to divulge every feeling inside of me. I swear he’s such a girl sometimes.

So I kept my head down and didn’t say anything, letting the tears just silently roll down my cheeks so Justin wouldn’t know.

* * *

Emily cried herself to sleep last night. She was trying to hide it but when you were laying as close as we were and she couldn’t stop sniffing, it was kind of obvious. I really should have said something but she obviously didn’t want to talk about it since she was trying to hide it and is it wrong to say that I was just really tired and wanted to sleep? I don’t even know how long she stayed awake because I passed out soon after we stopped talking.

I think the one thing I completely hate about camping is waking up in the morning. Anyone who tells you that you can be comfortable sleeping on the ground is a liar. The rest of camping I love, it’s just the mornings. Especially this morning when there’s at least three large rocks jabbing into my side and Emily’s rolled over a bit so my arm is wedged under her hip and it’s completely numb.

I gave my arm a bit of a yank and pulled it free, wincing as I flexed it to get some blood flow going. I pulled myself up and leaned forward to grab some clothes from my bag.

The air was still a bit chilly when I unzipped the flap of the tent but the sun was already shining and I could tell it would be another hot day. No one else was up yet so I walked to the bathrooms by myself and changed into a pair of shorts and hoodie. I figured showering could wait a couple more days so I simply washed my face and left.

By time I got back to our site, Trace was up and standing by the fire pit.

“Thought you’d be sleeping off a hangover,” I said as I neared him.

Trace pulled his hat down further on his head. “Becca’s snoring and I couldn’t sleep. And Gavin was moaning in his sleep all night.”

I snorted in laughter.

“I am NOT sleeping beside that dude tonight,” he mumbled, sitting down in one of the chairs by the fire.

I sat down in the chair beside him and slouched down in it. Maybe I could spend another night in Emily’s reject tent. It was kind of sounding like the lesser of two evils at this point.

Trace poked at the fire he had made with a long stick. “Em’s still sleeping?”

I nodded. “She’ll probably be up soon. She never sleeps in.”

“You guys have a fun time alone in that tent last night?”

I scoffed at the way Trace asked that. “Right.”

He gave me this long sideways look and then smirked and looked back ahead. I rolled my eyes and looked away from him. I guess Trace had always known I kind of have a thing for Emily. Every once in a while he’ll say something about it, usually around other people who don’t get it and I’ll be embarrassed. He thinks it’s funny. I do not. One of these days someone’s going to figure out what he’s talking about what’s going on. And nobody needs to know. I don’t sit around and broadcast it. In fact, I hide it and don’t act on it.

Okay, so maybe not last night. Last night I used the coldness to my advantage as an excuse to be close to her. I could have easily stolen a couple blankets from the other tent and solved that problem. But instead I made up some kind of bullshit about body heat and took the situation as an opportunity to be able to sleep with her right beside me. It’s not like we’re going to get together so honestly, I’ll take what I can get.

The sound of Emily’s laughter pulled me away from my thoughts about her and I raised my eyes to find her standing there.

“What’s with your fire?”

I focused my eyes on the fire pit and realized the previous fire was not simply a cloud of smoke. “It’s Trace’s fire.”

“Least I made the effort,” Trace grumbled.

“You guys are useless,” Emily laughed, grabbing some newspaper and firewood. We both watched her begin to set up the wood in the pit. “You gotta use some kindling not just newspaper and logs. You guys would suck on Survivor.”

“We were just waiting for you to wake up and demonstrate your mastery fire making skills,” I said.

She rolled her eyes. “Speaking of me waking up, Justin, tomorrow morning, let’s try NOT getting up and moving all the sleeping bag off me. Waking up with hypothermia isn’t my idea of a good time.”

I rubbed my eyes with the heals of my palms and smiled. “Sorry.”

“Are you staying in that tent for the rest of the week?” Trace asked.

I shrugged. “Probably. I don’t want to be the star of Gavin’s wet dream like you, Trace.”

His face darkened. “Shut the hell up.”

Emily looked between us. “What?”

“Gavin was apparently moaning in his sleep last night,” I explained to her.

“Yeah, he does that. Didn’t you know that?”

“Wait, you knew?” Trace asked.

“Everybody does. He always does that.”

“Well why didn’t anyone tell me? I was ready to sleep in the car!”

She began to laugh. “You were worried he was fantasizing about you? That’s a pretty healthy ego you’ve got there, Trace.”

“Well I didn’t know! That’s really something you should be telling a person before you sleep beside them. Shit.”

Emily giggled and put another log on the fire. “Here I thought you guys were all sleeping like babies in that tent.”

“I think tonight I just have to get more drunk so I don’t wake up for anything.”

“Don’t get too drunk of you’ll hear Gavin moaning and not be sober enough to resist acting on it,” I said.

And all I got in a response was a glare from him before he got up and stalked off towards the bathroom. Serves him right for ragging on me about Emily before.

Emily sat in the chair he had vacated and pulled her knees up to her chest. “Looks like it’s going to be hot today.”

“Still want to go for that hike?”

“Yeah. As long as I have suntanning time.”

“Worried about the bet?”

She scoffed. “No. You’ve never seen me in my prime suntanning mode. You’re in for a big surprise, buddy.”

“You’re all talk,” I dismissed.

She grumbled something under her breath and then said, “You’re going to be out money.” She pointed her finger at me. “AND have a dirty house.”

I began to laugh and shook my head. Honestly, tell me how I couldn’t have at least a small crush on this girl.

So I lost the bet. I gave it my best effort but one of the days it was really cloudy and ultimately, I just couldn’t compete with Becca. Not to say I don’t have a good tan cause it’s awesome. But at the end of the week, I wasn’t anywhere close to Becca’s color. And the gloating Justin did…I should never make bets with him because I always lose and then I don’t hear the end of it for months. I really thought I could beat him this time but I was once again wrong.

And that’s how I found myself ringing the doorbell to Justin’s house on Saturday morning. He threw open the door a minute later with an obnoxious grin all over his face.

“Maid Baxter, you’re five minutes late.”

I pushed past him into the house. “Don’t even start. You’re lucky I’m spending my day off cleaning your stupid house when I could be sleeping.”

He shut the door I had left open. “You want some cheese to go with that whine?”

I directed my most deadly glare at him and he merely laughed at me. What an annoying jerk.

“Come on, Chief. You know you’re excited to mop my floors and clean my toilet.”

I began to shake my head. “I am NOT cleaning your disgusting toilet. You’re living in a dream world.”

He laughed again. “Wow, you are grumpy today.”

I frowned and sat down on the couch in the front room. I leaned my head against the back of the couch and covered my eyes with my arm, heaving a sigh.

Justin flopped down beside me. “What’s eating you?”

“Lola and Mitch kept me up for half the night,” I mumbled.

“Why?”

I turned my head and raised my eyebrows at him. He began to laugh.

“Maybe you should get some earplugs,” he suggested, still laughing.

“Maybe I should get a new roommate,” I replied.

“Maybe you should get your own sex life and then you wouldn’t be so bothered with Lo getting some.”

“Yeah, well find me a guy and I can get on that.”

“Alright, I’ll help you out. Come on, let’s go upstairs to my room.”

A smile was threatening my lips. “Shut up, Justin.”

He gave my shoulder a push. “Come on, Chief. You know you wanna smile. You can’t stay grumpy all day.”

I tilted my head up to stare at the ceiling. “If you make me some coffee I’ll wake up and be in a better mood.”

“I’ll do you one better and go get you something from Starbucks.”

My eyebrows rose and I smiled. “Really?”

“But you have to clean my bathroom.”

My nose wrinkled. “Justin…”

“Starbucks,” he reasoned.

I sighed. “Fine. But if I find anything disgusting, it’ll take a lot more than a cup of coffee to make up for it.”

He stood up from the couch. “All the cleaning stuff is in the bathroom down here.”

“Fine.”

“I’ll be back in twenty minutes.”

“Yeah.”

I stood up once he had left and wandered to the bathroom down the hall. My arms full of cleaning supplies, I went upstairs to his bathroom, yawning as I went. Maybe I really should invest in some earplugs. I seriously slept like maybe three hours last night. Okay, so maybe it was a little bit my fault. There was this ER marathon on TV and I couldn’t resist watching it. Sometimes you just have to choose Noah Wylie over sleep.

I dumped everything on the counter in the bathroom and then went back into Justin’s room. He has this big loungy chair thing that’s super comfortable and I sat down on it just to take a minute before cleaning. I swear I only meant to sit there for a minute but as soon as I kind of reclined back, I knew I was a goner. When you’re running on three hours of sleep, it doesn’t take much to knock you out.

I’m actually surprised Justin didn’t wake me up in the five hours I slept for but when I woke up at two, I was in the exact same position and everything was where I left it. It took me ten minutes to fully wake up and once I actually got up, I wasn’t about to get on the bathroom. Maybe Justin didn’t wake me up because he felt bad about my lack of sleep and realized I wasn’t up for cleaning.

Have I mentioned yet how massive Justin’s house is? You know a house is too big when it takes a full seven minutes to find the person you’re looking for. I should have known I’d find him downstairs in the den where all his videogames are. It also wasn’t too much of a surprise to find Trace with him.

Both were too engrossed in Grand Theft Auto to acknowledge me when I entered the room. I sat down in an empty chair and sighed. Justin’s eyes moved to me briefly and then back to the TV.

“Your coffee’s still in the kitchen.”

I smiled and stood. “Okay.” I reached my hand down and rubbed the short hairs on top of his head. “Thanks, dude.”

Sure enough, sitting on the counter in the kitchen was a large cup from Starbucks. I popped the lid and stuck it in the microwave until it was in all it’s steaming glory and then went back downstairs.

The moment I walked back into the den, the conversation Trace and Justin were having stopped immediately and I got this look from Trace.

“Talking about me?” I joked as I sat back down in the chair. The silence I got as a response made me raise my eyebrows. They had been talking about me. I should have eavesdropped. “What about me?”

Once again, silence.

I reached out my foot and pushed Justin’s leg. He looked over at me long enough to smirk.

“Not everything’s about you, Chief.”

I snorted and pulled my legs under me. Maybe not everything but whatever these two were talking about seemed to be about me or they wouldn’t have stopped talking when I came into the room. These guys will talk about anything around me. I once had to endure a five minute conversation about their preferred underwear on girls. So when they won’t say something around me, of course it’s about me.

“So how’s the cleaning going, Em?” Trace asked, without taking his eyes off the TV.

I took a sip of my coffee. “Almost done.”

Justin laughed. “You’ve done nothing but sleep since you got here.”

I sighed and leaned my head against the back of the couch. “Justin, you aren’t seriously going to make me clean your house, are you? It’s so big and it’s not even really dirty.”

“That’s cause Elsie does a good job,” Justin said.

“Then why do I have to do it?”

“Cause you lost the bet.”

“Barely. And it was an unfair bet.”

“You agreed to it though.”

I moaned and closed my eyes. “Justin…”

He said nothing so I tried again.

“Justin…” Still nothing and I cracked open an eye to see that they were both ignoring me. I took a deep breath.

“Juuuuuuu-”

“Damn, just call of the bet,” Trace interrupted me. “I can’t take her bellyaching.”

I gave Justin a hopeful look and he sighed. “Fine. You clean my bathroom and we’ll call it even.”

My nose wrinkled. “Your bathroom? Really? What about the kitchen or something?”

“Bathroom.”

He had that stubborn ‘nothing is going to make me budge so don’t even bother’ look all over his face so I relented.

“Okay, I’ll clean your bathroom.”

Trace laughed. “Have fun with that, Em.”

I frowned and took another sip of my coffee. “You just like to torture me.”

“You’re right, I do,” Justin replied.

“So what are we doing for the rest of the day?” I asked. “I was thinking we should get some Chinese food and have a board game night.”

“I dunno, Em,” Trace said. “We might be TOO cool if we do that.”

I rolled my eyes. “Whatever. You know you like board games. Don’t even pretend you don’t get excited whenever we whip out Scrabble.”

Trace snorted and flipped me off. Whatever. That kid can’t even hide what I huge nerd he is so I don’t know why he even bothers.

“Justin?” I turned my eyes to him. “Chinese food and board games?”

“Yeah sure. But you have to have my bathroom done first.”

“It’s not going to take me three hours.”

“You would think.”

I groaned. “This sucks. You suck for making me do this on my first day off in-”

“Clean, Woman,” Justin interrupted me. “Go, go, go.”

I scowled as I stood and left. I hated him. This was definitely the last time I ever made a bet with him.

* * *

“Can you grab that?” Lola yelled from her bedroom two days later when there was a knock on our apartment door.

I got up from the computer desk. “Yeah.” I walked across our slightly messy apartment to the front door and opened the door. I was greeted with a large covered platter being pushed into my hands.

“Take this.”

I took it from Becca and stepped to the side as she came into the apartment. “What is it?”

“My pants have been falling down ever since I got out of the car but my hands were full and I couldn’t pull them up,” Becca said, ignoring my question. She pulled up her scrub pants and retied the drawstring. “Those old people that live down the hall got a show when I walked by.”

“Maybe if you weren’t such a slut,” I said, putting the dish down on the counter.

“I can’t help it.”

I pried open the top covering the mystery inside the dish and smiled. “You made a cake?”

“A three layer devil’s chocolate cake,” Becca corrected, pulling it away from me and securing the lid back in place. “It was slow at the hospital today so they sent some of us home early and I decided to make a treat for CSI night.”

“Lola’s going to love you for this. She’s been going on about chocolate craving’s ever since I got home.”

“This is the best kind of cake ever,” Becca said, going over to the computer and loading up the Internet. “I used to get my mom to make this every year for my birthday. Is Charise coming over?”

“No. She has a midterm tomorrow,” I said as I picked up some dishes laying around the apartment. Lola and I kind of live like pigs.

My phone started ringing just as Lola came out of her room and started fawning over the cake and I moved away from her and Becca to answer it.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Chief. What are you doing?”

“Stupid question, Justin. It’s eight fifty on Thursday night. What do you think I’m doing?”

He laughed. “Oh yeah. You guys have your CSI happening tonight.”

“I’m surprised you didn’t remember.”

“Hey, I have a big favor to ask you.”

“What?”

“Rachel came into town today.”

“Really? I love Rachel.”

“I know. So she’s here but I’ve got this thing I’ve got to do tonight. I didn’t want to just leave her all alone all night so can she come hang out with you guys?”

“Sure!”

“She’s not all weird about CSI like you guys but she likes it.”

“We’ll get her into it. And Becca made cake too.”

“Really? Can I have some?”

“It’s supposed to be for those of us watching CSI.”

“It’s not like you’ll eat an entire cake.” He stopped when I laughed. “Okay, you guys could. But just send a piece home with Rach, okay?”

“We’ll think about it.”

“So I’m leaving my house now and I’m going to drop her off cause I’m going that way.”

“Okay.”

“Great. Thanks, Chief.”

“Rachel’s coming over,” I said to Lola and Becca when Justin hang up.

“Justin’s cousin?” Lola asked.

“Yeah.”

“Cool,” Becca said. “Rachel’s awesome.”

“So…we don’t have to wait for her to eat the cake, right?” Lola asked. “Because I REALLY need some chocolate.”

Becca stood. “We can eat it now.”

“Justin wants us to save him a piece and send it home with Rachel.”

Becca gave a long suffering sigh. “That boy always has demands. Did you tell him that I made the cake for those of us participating in CSI night?”

I gave her a look. “Do you know how big of a baby he’ll be if he doesn’t get some?”

With a roll of her eyes, Becca cut out a piece of cake and put it on a plate off to the side. “He owes me.”

We had all just sat down with our cake when Rachel arrived. I let her in, gave her a hug, and talked to her briefly but catching up really had to wait until later because CSI was starting and you can’t miss the first few minutes of it.

Lola and I had started CSI night when we had realized our mutual love of the show a couple years ago. We had gotten Becca and our friend, Charise, hooked on it last year and ever since then we’ve gotten together on Thursday nights to all watch it together. The original, not Miami or New York. I’ll watch those if nothing else is on but nothing beats the original.

Lola had been trying to get Mitch in on our Thursday nights for months and Becca and I have been working on Trace forever. They just don’t understand how amazing the show is. They’ll sit there and watch it but then make fun of it after.

And Justin? Don’t even get me started on him. He won’t watch the show simply because we all love it so much. He has no reason to dislike it, he just does it to annoy the rest of us. I’m determined one day I’m going to break him though. Sometimes I’ll ‘accidently’ leave my CSI dvd’s at his house to tempt him but he never touches them. One day.

Becca left soon after the show was done since she had to work early in the morning and Mitch called so Lola went to her room to talk to him, leaving me and Rachel alone.

“So what are you doing in LA?” I asked. “Just visiting?”

“Yeah. School and work were just kind of getting to me and I needed a break so I booked off the weekend at work and came out here to see Justin.”

“And then he ditched out on you.”

Rachel laughed. “Pretty much.”

“What’s he doing tonight anyways?”

“He’s on a date with some girl Trace knows. He was going to cancel when I showed up but I wouldn’t let him. He needs to get some outside connections. You would think he’d have tons but he’s becoming kind of a hermit.”

I laughed. “Sometimes.’

“So I heard you and Ben broke up.”

“Yeah.”

“That bastard cheated on you?”

“He sure did.”

“I hope he got gonorrhea.”

I laughed. “See this is why you rock, Rach. Cause you’ll just say that stuff. Everyone else won’t come outright and say it because they’re all friends with Ben.”

“Well he shouldn’t have cheated on you. People who cheat suck.”

“Yeah.”

“So do you ever see him?”

“I feel like I see or hear about him all the time. But we were all friends with everyone so I can’t really escape it.”

“Have you talked to him?”

“Once when I first got back from Ohio.”

“Oh right. I forgot you were in Ohio for a month. Justin was freaking out while you were gone. I remember him calling and being convinced he’d never see you again.”

I rolled my eyes. He’s such a drama queen. “It wasn’t my most well thought out plan, that’s for sure. I didn’t think it would be such a big deal.”

“I would have done the same thing,” Rachel shrugged. “Sometimes you just need to get away.”

I smiled. I knew there was a reason I liked this girl so much. “Exactly.”

It was close to ten thirty when Justin called Rachel to say he was almost at my place. And because we’re girls and we can talk forever and we weren’t anywhere near done catching up, she told him to come in for a bit. He was knocking on my door five minutes later and I pulled myself up from the couch to let him in.

“Did you save me some cake?” were his first words to me when I opened the door.

“Becca didn’t want to but I stuck up for you and said you’d be a baby if you didn’t get some,” I said, going to the kitchen. He followed and took the piece of cake and a fork from me. “Plus I knew if we saved you some cake you’d come next week for CSI night.”

He laughed as he raised a forkful of cake to his mouth. “You wish, Chief.”

I sighed and began to walk to the living room. “So how was your date?”

“My date?”

“Rachel said you were on a date with some girl Trace knows,” I said, sitting back down on the couch.

“It wasn’t a date, Rach,” he said, sitting down beside me. “I never said it was a date.”

“Then why did you douse yourself in cologne?”

“I didn’t. I put on the same as I normally do.”

Rachel rolled her eyes and I laughed a bit. “He’s probably telling the truth, Rach, because lately he’s been like bathing in cologne everyday so he always smells like that.”

“Oh whatever,” Justin sputtered. “Get your nose checked.”

Did I mention he can get defensive really easily? “Oh, okay, Justin. I’ll go get my nose checked.”

“And it wasn’t a date. It was just dinner. I hardly even know her.”

“Ugh, no one cares if it was a date or now,” Rachel said and I sent her a silent thank you. If she hadn’t stopped him he would have gone on about it forever.

He sighed and got up with his empty plate and disappeared back into the kitchen.

“So what are you doing this weekend?” Rachel asked me. “Do you have to work?”

“Tomorrow and Saturday I do but I have Sunday off. We should do something.”

“Totally. I need to do some hardcore shopping. I need more clothes.”

“Sure, let’s do that. What day do you leave?”

“Sunday night. I have to be back for school on Monday.”

Justin reappeared with a glass of milk and sat back down. “I told her to skip out on school and stay longer.”

I smiled. “You should! Spend the whole week out here.”

Rachel laughed. “Like I already told Justin, I can’t my classes.”

“Tell your teachers you were hanging out with your cool cousin,” Justin said.

“Yeah, they really won’t care,” she replied. “You’ll just have to enjoy me extra for the next three days and spend all your time with me. You know, if you can stop going on blind dates long enough to do so.”

Justin let out an exasperated sigh. “It WASN’T a date.”

I, in response, groaned. We’re seriously going to argue about this again?

You would think that in a city like LA, people really wouldn’t care so much about me. I mean, there’s celebrities walking around everywhere and you’d assume people would get used to it. And yet I can feel the stares from people as I get out of my car and walk towards Avidity Studio. Didn’t these people ever get taught that it’s rude to stare? Honestly.

“Hi, can I help you?” the receptionist asked me when I walked through the door.

“I’m looking for Emily Baxter,” I said, pulling off my sunglasses.

“She’s in studio C. You can just go right back.”

“Thanks.” I walked to the hallway where she was pointing and looked around. I had never been here before so I was hoping Studio C was easy to find. Would it have killed the receptionist to actually show me where it was?

Fortunately, there were signs directing me where to go and I reached my destination within a minute. Studio C seemed more like a warehouse room than anything and it took me a minute of scanning my eyes around the room before I spotted Emily off to the side at what looked to be a makeshift makeup table.

The closer I got to her, the more I could see that she was looking rough today. She was putting makeup on some girl and looked exhausted. She normally has her hair and makeup done but today she had a hat pulled low on her face and the glasses she rarely wore were perched on her nose.

Even from a distance, I could see that the girl getting her makeup done was pissing Emily off. Emily only rolls her eyes that much when she’s pissed off.

The girl stopped talking as I neared her and Emily, and she stared at me. I ignored her and tapped Emily’s foot with my own.

“Hey.”

She looked up and a smile formed over her lips. “Hey. What’re you doing here?”

I shrugged. “I was bored and thought I’d come see you. Are you really busy?”

“No. I just have to finish Serenity’s makeup and I can take a break,” she said, leaning down again to put makeup on the girl’s face.

I leaned back against the counter. “Okay.”

The girl, Serenity, stuck a slightly limp hand out to me. “Hi. I’m Serenity,” she all but purred.

I did the best I could to hold back the smirk that was desperately trying to form and shook her hand. “Nice to meet you. I’m Justin.”

“Oh, I know. I had no idea you knew Emily.”

“Yeah, we’re friends.”

“Oh, friends,” she said and giggled. “For a minute I was worried that one of the good guys was taken.”

I swear I’ve never had to try so hard to not laugh in someone’s face. I deserve an award for how I’m holding this together. “Oh really.”

“It’s just so hard to find a good guy in LA,” she sighed. “A tall, handsome, charming-”

“I’m done and they need you on set,” Emily interrupted, her voice emotionless.

The girl gave a serious pout and reluctantly stood. “Well I guess I’ll see you later, Justin.”

I nodded slightly. “Sure.” I bit my lip as Serenity sauntered away, trying not to laugh while she was in earshot. But when I looked at Emily and saw the look on her face, I lost it.

“Is that girl for real?” I laughed, pulling myself up to sit on the counter.

Emily rolled her eyes. “Unfortunately.”

“Hi, I’m Serenity,” I said, raising my voice to imitate the girl. “I’m looking for a tall, handsome, manly man who won’t care if my fake nails could be a certified weapon.”

Emily began to laugh. “Justin, stop. You’re horrible.”

I grinned and leaned my head back against the mirror. “I don’t know how you hang around people like that all day.”

“They aren’t all that bad. Serenity’s just a bit much to take.”

“And what kind of a name is Serenity?”

“It’s her “professional name”,” Emily said, rolling her eyes. “Her real name’s Judy.”

“What’s wrong with Judy? That’s my aunt’s name.”

“I guess it just doesn’t have the same ring to it as Serenity.”

I laughed slightly and moved my legs back and forth a few times. “So how’s your day going? You’re looking a little tired.”

“I look like crap,” Emily said as she sat down in the chair by the table. “I woke up late and I had like ten minutes to get ready.”

“Did you forget to set your alarm?”

“I slept through it. I didn’t fall asleep until like four.”

“Lola and Mitch keep you up again?”

“No, I just couldn’t sleep. I had a lot on my mind.”

“Like what?”

Emily opened her mouth to respond but before she could say anything, she was interrupted by this guy coming up behind her.

“Hey, Em. I got you a coffee. Two sugars, no cream, right?”

She smiled. “Yeah. Thanks, Derrick. You didn’t have to get me anything.”

“You seemed tired and I didn’t want you to fall asleep before lunch.”

“Yeah, I feel like I might.” She took the coffee from him. “Derrick, this is Justin. Justin, Derrick.”

“Hello,” Derrick greeted.

“Hi.”

I took a moment to examine the guy as he and Emily talked. He seemed pretty young, probably eighteen or nineteen and obviously completely infatuated with Emily. He looked lovestruck, hanging onto her every word. And Emily seemed oblivious. She never notices the attention guys give her though. We’ll be out together and a guy will blatantly check her out and she’ll be completely unaware. I actually like it though because it shows just how she’s not self involved. And that can be a hard quality to find in a girl in LA.

“So you’re aware that guy is totally infatuated with you, right?” I asked once he had left us.

“Derrick? That’s what Lucy keeps telling me.”

“He is. That kid would get down on his knees and kiss your feet if you asked.”

Emily rolled her eyes. “Whatever.”

“You should make his dreams come true and go out with him. Think of what a devoted boyfriend he’d be.”

She laughed a bit. “Yeah right. For starters, he’s only eighteen and he still lives with his parents. And he’s an intern.”

I began to laugh. “And you’re too good to date an intern?” I teased, reaching out my foot to bump her leg.

She smiled. “No. But…I’m sure there’s a rule about that.”

“It’s not like you’re a doctor and he’s a med student,” I said, still laughing. “What kind of a rule could there possibly be?”

She arched an eyebrow at me. “Why are you so intent on me dating Derrick?”

“I just wanted me and Serenity to be able to double date with you guys. Do you think Serenity would mind going to Chuck E. Cheese for the date?”

Emily pointed her finger at me. “You are so going to hell.”

I laughed again. “You think I’m funny.” I watched as she stood up and began to put all the makeup away. “So what are you doing tonight? Want to do something?”

“I’m so tired. I really just want to sit around.”

“We could rent a movie.”

“Okay.”

“Your place or mine?”

“Mine so then I can veg out in my pajamas and not have to worry if I fall asleep.”

“Is your place somewhat clean?”

She shrugged in a way that let me know that her apartment was a disaster. “Somewhat.”

Someone called Emily’s name and she looked toward the voice. “I need to get back to work.”

“I’ll come over at like six?”

“Sure.”

I slid off the table. “I’ll bring some movies.”

“Okay. See you later.”

I waved to her as she walked towards the photo set and then turned to leave, happy I had found plans for tonight. Even if they did involve someone who looked like she was going to fall asleep at any moment.

* * *

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“Did you remember the garlic bread?”

“What do you think this large foil covered object in my hand is?”

I smiled and looked up from the tomato sauce on the stove in my apartment to see Justin waving the garlic bread in his hand. “Thanks.”

He moved to stand beside me and lifted the lid on the pot of spaghetti. “Is Lola here for supper?”

“She’s at her parents house. What movies did you bring?”

“Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Jackass.”

“Okay.”

“Are you going to stay away for a movie?”

“Yeah, I’m a little more awake now.” It was true. I had come home and taken a much needed shower and put in my contacts. I hate wearing my glasses. They make me look like Harry Potter. So I was feeling cleaner, more awake, and I was actually looking forward to just spending a night at home. As much as I love going out, sometimes chilling at home is what you need.

“Must be the coffee your boyfriend got you this morning.”

“Ugh. Would you just set the table?”

He laughed. Yeah, you’re not funny, buddy. Make yourself useful.

“So what did you do all day?” I asked as I stuck the garlic bread in the oven to warm up.

“Nothing much. After I left you I went to the gym and then had a nap.”

I smiled a bit and straightened. “Sounds exhausting.”

“Yeah, I think I need to get a hobby.”

“Or maybe a job,” I said, stirring the tomato sauce.

“Hey, I’ve worked hard. I deserve a break.”

“Yeah, yeah.” I looked to the side as Justin came up behind me and reached over me to grab the plates from the cupboard above the stove. I caught a whiff of him as he moved away. He smelled really good today. As much as I rag on him for wearing too much cologne, he always smells good. But tonight he’s wearing something I’ve never smelt before and he smells so so good. Damn, I need to get a boyfriend and stop smelling my friend.

Dinner with Justin was fun and once we had eaten and cleaned up, we moved to the couch to watch a movie. I know a movie like Texas Chainsaw Massacre should have kept me wide awake but it was like as soon as I sat down on the couch, my eyes were burning and I couldn’t stop yawing. I’ve already seen the movie a few times so I wasn’t missing much when I stretched out on the couch and closed my eyes.

Justin’s the best person to share a couch with because he’ll let you stretch out all over him. Lola always makes me stay on my side of the couch but Justin merely moved the pillow he had on his legs when my feel approached him and let me rest them on his lap.

“Don’t fall asleep,” was all he said.

“Mm hmm,” I mumbled, my eyes already closing. Like I was going to be able to stay awake when we’re sitting in the dark. I was tired enough to doze off with Jessica Biel screaming every two seconds so Justin squeezing my foot every once in a while to try and get me to wake up wasn’t going to convince me to open my eyes.

By time the movie was done, I must have been pretty asleep because I didn’t hear Lola come home or wake up when Justin moved my feet off his lap to get up. Talking and laughter coming from the kitchen finally caused me to open my eyes. The TV was off and there was a blanket over me. It was like they had gone to the effort of making it a nice sleeping environment and then gone ten feet away and started talking as loudly as possible.

“Sleeping beauty,” Justin greeted me when I walked into the kitchen.

I rubbed my eyes and squinted at the light. “What time is it?” I asked through a yawn.

“Ten thirty,” Lola said. “You should have just stayed asleep.”

“Ideally I would have.” I leaned back against the counter. “How’re your parents?”

“They’re good. They said to say hello and to bring you next time.”

“I would have come tonight but I was so tired.”

“Whatever. You just wanted to hang out with Justin cause you think he’s cooler than me.”

“I am cooler than you, Lo,” Justin said.

“Justin, you could only dream of being at my level of coolness.”

Yawning again, I pushed myself away from the counter. “Kay, well I’m going to bed if you guys are going to argue about this.”

“I’ll talk to you later, Em,” Justin said.

“Sure.”

“Have a good sleep.”

I caught myself breathing in deeply as he leaned down to hug me goodbye. Yeah, he was definitely smelling good.

“Hey, Emily, you aren’t dating anyone, are you?”

I looked up from my computer screen at Lucy, the hairstylist at Avidity, and smiled a bit. “No. Why?”

“Have I ever mentioned how good I am at setting people up?”

“Oh really.”

“I’m pretty sure I was a professional matchmaker in a past life.”

“Oh. Well…”

“See, I have this friend Tanner.”

I turned my chair to fully face Lucy. “Okay.”

“And I think he’d be totally perfect for you. He’s actually originally from Ohio like you and he works in marketing now.”

“I dunno how I feel about being set up.”

“You’d love him though. He’s super hot too. If I wasn’t engaged I’d totally be all over him.”

I laughed. “I’m just not so good on blind dates.”

“Come on, Em. It’s just one date. And I kind of already told him you’d say yes.”

My nose wrinkled a bit. “Lucy…”

“I promise you’ll have fun. Tanner’s an awesome guy. And if it doesn’t work I promise I’ll leave you alone.”

I sighed and bit my lip as I thought about it. “And he’s hot?”

“Gorgeous. Tall, dark hair, good tan. Imagine a younger version of Julian McMahon.”

A smile spread across my face. “Really?”

“Like I said, if I wasn’t engaged…”

“So when would this date be?”

“I could set it up for tonight if you’re not busy.”

I tapped my fingers against my desk. “Well…okay. Is he going to take me somewhere nice?”

Lucy picked up my phone. “How about I call him and you guys can figure it out?”

I smiled as she began to dial. I guess there’s no time like the present to get back on the dating wagon. Whew, especially if this date involves a young Christian Troy.

* * *

When I got home later that night, the apartment was silent. I changed out of my dress into some pajamas pants and a t-shirt and then went looking for Lola. I found her sitting out on the balcony, her feet propped up on the railing. Opening the sliding door, I stepped outside.

“Hey.”

Lola turned her head to look at me. “Hey. Did you just get home?”

I went over to sit on the chair beside her. “Yeah.”

“So how was the date?”

“It was…good.”

“Was he hot?”

I smiled and put my feet up next to hers. “He was really hot. Lucy wasn’t lying.”

“Christian Troy hot?”

“Pretty much. Dressed like him too.”

“Ugh, I’m jealous. You lucky, lucky girl. So where did you guys go?”

“Paris 21.”

“Ooh, fancy. He paid, right?”

“Like a true gentleman.”

Lola looked over at me. “So he’s hot, dresses well, takes you to an expensive restaurant and pays. Why aren’t you more excited?”

I sighed. I should have known she’d pick up on my mood. “I dunno.”

“What’s wrong with him? Is he married or something?”

I laughed a bit. “No, he’s not married. He was basically perfect. Handsome, charming, successful.”

“Yeah, I hate it when I find the perfect guy and I have to spend an entire night with him.”

I smiled. “He was pretty perfect.”

“But…”

“But it was just so weird. And not just because it’s been so long since I’ve been on a date. At first I thought it was just that but it wasn’t.”

“So what was it?”

“It was like all night all I could think of was Ben. And everything good about Tanner just made me think about everything bad about Ben.”

Lola didn’t comment.

“It’s like even now that Ben’s out of my life, he’s still screwing it up.”

“Maybe it’s time to just let it go and forget about it.”

“I thought I had.”

“Then I don’t know why you were thinking about him.”

“Me neither.” I sighed and leaned my head back against the chair. “Maybe it was a good thing. Tanner might have been a little too perfect.”

“How can a guy be too perfect?” Lola laughed.

“I don’t know. It’s just like I felt like he was too good for me and even though I’m sure he wasn’t trying to make me feel this way, I felt inferior. I need someone I can relate to more.”

“Yeah, I can see that.”

I ran my hand through my hair and crossed my ankles. “I need a guy like Justin. If me and him weren’t such good friends, we’d be perfect together.”

“What about him is so good?”

“His personality and attitude are like mine so we get along but he’s different enough to keep things interesting.”

“You guys complement each other.”

“Yeah. And we always have so much fun together.”

It was silent again and I listened to a police siren from a nearby street. Lola finally broke the quiet.

“So correct me if I’m wrong, but I heard that when we were camping you and Justin bunked up together in a sleeping bag.”

I looked toward her. That was a public known fact now? “Who would you have heard that from?”

“Becca. Trace told her. And I’m assuming Justin told Trace.”

I groaned. “Glad to know the whole world knows about it.”

“So it’s true?”

“It was just the first night because it was so cold and all we had was our sleeping bags. Justin said body heat would work and it did.” I smiled a bit. “Besides, we were a little drunk still and it seemed like a good idea.”

“Of course it did. I’m sure you weren’t complaining.”

I shrugged. No point denying it. “It was kind of nice.” Leaning my head back against the chair again, I closed my eyes. I hate how Justin always has to tell Trace everything. If they want to have this close relationship, that’s fine. Great even. But Trace has this huge mouth and as soon as he hears anything good, he’s calling up someone to tell them. I wish Justin would figure that out.

The cordless phone ringing finally interrupted the silence and Lola picked it up. After a second, she handed it to me.

“Justin,” she said with a raised eyebrow.

I took it from her and brought it up to my ear. “Hello?”

“Hi. What’re you doing?”

“Sitting outside with Lola.”

“Wanna go for a walk?”

“Now?”

“Yeah.”

“Um…sure. Are you coming over here?”

“Yeah. I’m leaving right now.”

“Okay. See you in a bit.”

“Bye.”

“Bye.”

“Is he coming over here?” Lola asked once I had hung up.

“We’re going for a walk. Want to come?”

“I think I’d rather stay sitting.”

“Okay.”

“So maybe it’s just me but it seems like you and Justin have been spending a lot more time together than you used to.”

“Yeah, ever since I got back from Ohio we have been.”

“Any reason why?”

I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I have all this free time now that I’m not dating Ben.”

“A single guy and single girl can never just be friends.”

I laughed and looked over at her. That was random. “What?”

“That’s what my grandma always told me. She always said that if a single guy and girl are friends, there’s always this sexual tension between them.”

“Uh huh.”

She smiled over at me. “So is my grandma right, Em?”

“I feel like it’s been forever since I’ve been with a guy. At this point I’m feeling sexual tension towards anything that moves.”

“Remind me to keep the cat away from you.”

I laughed and then sighed. “I think I really just need a boyfriend at this point. I miss it.”

“Well…you’ve got Justin handy. He’s single, right?”

“Yeah. But we’re too good of friends.”

“Why is that a problem?”

“Because I wouldn’t want to mess with that. It just wouldn’t work out.” I stood up before Lola could try any further to convince me that Justin and I were meant to spend eternity together. “I’m going to go change before he gets here.”

Justin must have been speeding on his way here because I had just changed my clothes when Lola knocked on my door to tell me he was here.

“Justin called and wants you to meet him outside.”

I grabbed a hair elastic from my dresser and my keys. “Are you going to be up for a while?” I asked her as I went to the front door.

“No. I’m going to bed in a few minutes.”

“Kay, well I’ll see you tomorrow.’

“Have fun,” she sang as I opened the door.

I rolled my eyes. “I will. Bye.”

“Bye.”

I pulled the door shut behind me and went to the stairs. I was so going to be regretting staying out late when my alarm went off at seven tomorrow morning. But I wasn’t even tired after my night and going for a walk is better than sitting at home and watching TV.

Justin was standing by his car outside and I smiled when I saw he had brought his rottweiller, Char, with him.

“Hey, Char!” I said, bending down to pet the excited dog. “Are you coming for a walk with us?”

“She was driving me crazy,” Justin said. “She’s got an insane amount of energy tonight.”

“A walk will wear her out.”

“Hopefully. So where are we going?”

“There’s that park near here. And then you can let Char off her leash and she can run in the field.”

“Okay.”

Char leading the way, we left my apartment complex and headed towards the park. It was the perfect night for a walk. It was getting pretty dark out and there was a slight breeze in the air, a nice change from the hot weather we’d been having lately.

“Do you have to work tomorrow?” Justin asked as we walked.

“Yeah.”

“You’re going to be tired.”

I shrugged. “I’m not tired anyways. And it’s so nice outside.”

“Yeah it is.” Justin shoved his free hand in the pocket of his jacket. “So I hear you went on a blind date tonight.”

“Who told you that?”

“Becca mentioned it.”

“Have you ever mentioned how none of our friends can keep anything to themselves?”

He shrugged. “Yeah, everyone’s a gossip. So how was it? Who was the guy?”

“His name’s Tanner and he’s friends with Lucy from work.”

“Where’d you guys go?”

“Paris 21.”

“That must have made you happy. You love that place.”

“Yeah, it was really good. I’m still full.”

“So what was this guy like?”

I shrugged. “He was really nice and really good looking.”

“And you’re bummed about that why?”

“It just wasn’t that fun of a date.”

“Why?”

“Because I kept thinking about Ben and all that crap. I kind of felt bad for Tanner because I wasn’t all there.”

“Why were you thinking about Ben?”

I shrugged. “I have no idea.”

“Maybe you’re not over him.”

A small laugh escaped me. “I was over Ben the second I saw him having sex with that girl.”

“Then why were you thinking about him?” Justin asked for the second time as if I would have a different answer now than I did ten seconds ago.

“I don’t know.” I stuck my hands in the pocket of my hoodie. “Maybe…I don’t know. Lately it just feels like every night I go home and I just fall apart. I’m just always so exhausted.”

Justin looked over at me briefly and then back in front of him.

“I think I’ve just put so much of my energy into hating Ben that I have nothing left for anything else.”

“So is it really worth hating him then?”

“That’s just it. I can’t do this anymore.” I let out a large sigh. “I absolutely hate what he did to me and all that. But maybe the only way to make things better is to stop hating him and just…forgive him.”

“That would be really big of you to do, Em. Forgiving someone who cheated on you is not an easy thing.”

“It just seems like the only thing at this point though.” I stopped walking when we reached the park and Justin leaned down to let Char off her leash. She took off across the field and Justin and I trailed slowly behind.

“So does this mean you want to get back together with him?” Justin asked.

“No. I have no desire to ever date him again.” I sighed. “I’m just tired of hating him. And I’m sure you guys are all sick of having to divide your time between us.”

“Yeah.”

“So I just need to let it go completely and maybe things could go to some kind of version of normal.”

“You know it’ll still be awkward, right?”

“I know. And I know that it’s going to take some work to forgive him.” I sighed again. “But I just can’t keep doing this. It’s killing me.”

Justin put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer to him as we walked. “I know, Em.”

I leaned my head against his shoulder. “Do you think that Ben will make it go easy?”

“I really don’t think he likes the current situation anymore than you do.”

“When I talk to him…” I paused for a moment. “Will you just…be there when I talk to him?”

“Do you really want an audience?”

“No. But you know how I am. And you know how I get when I get worked up. I just want to forgive Ben and be done with it. If I start getting worked up, I need you there to calm me down.”

“I can be there.”

“Thanks.”

He slid his arm from around me and squatted down to pet Char when she ran over to us. “So are you going to go on another date with this Tanner guy?”

“Probably not. He could do better.”

Justin looked up at me and then rolled his eyes. “Shut up, Em.”

“You didn’t see this guy, Justin. He was like perfect.”

He straightened and shoved his hands in the pockets of his jeans. “No one’s perfect.” He smiled. “Well, except me.”

I rolled my eyes at him. “Yeah, you’re basically God.”

He picked up a stick from the ground and threw it across the field for Char to catch. “What time are you working tomorrow?”

“Nine to six. Same as always.”

“You should call in sick and we can go to the beach or something.”

“Can’t. There’s this big photo shoot tomorrow and I’m doing the makeup for it.”

“Oh. Maybe I’ll do something with Trace then.”

“Well call me later tomorrow and we can do something. I was going to go out with Charise but she’s ditching me for her boyfriend.”

“Sure.”

As awake as I had been feeling when we started the walk, tiredness quickly swept in. We only stayed at the park for another five minutes before going back. My apartment was dark and silent when I walked in after saying goodbye to Justin. I quietly went to the kitchen and flipped on the lights. In the middle of drinking a glass of water, my eyes landed on a note from Lola on the small whiteboard attached to the fridge door. I rolled my eyes as I read it. What is with that girl?

So I was thinking, wouldn’t you and him being such good friends only make any kind of relationship that much better? That can’t be your reason, Em.

No matter how crazy it gets around here or how crazy I can get, seeing my mom always brings me right back to the ground. There’s something about just seeing her that makes me feel like I’m back in Tennessee and everything about me and my life feels totally normal. I wish she’d just move out to LA permanently but I doubt that’ll ever happen cause most of my family’s in Tennessee. And you know, when I really think about it, maybe it’s good my mom doesn’t live in the city with me. She’d smack me upside the head if she saw some of the things I do. But she was here for a week and it felt great to be picking her up at the airport. It had been almost two months since I last saw her.

“So how has your time off been going?” my mom asked once we were in the car and leaving the airport. “Are you bored yet?”

I smiled. “A bit. But I’m actually relaxed. It feels great to not be doing anything.”

“Granny and Poppy keep asking when you’re coming down again.”

“Soon probably. You know, I offered to buy them tickets to come out here but they said no.”

“Well you know how they don’t like to travel a lot.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Is Trace at your house?”

“Yeah. He said he’d be there by time we got there.”

“Good. I have a package for him from his mom.”

“Trace’ll love that. His mom always sends cookies in her packages.” I glanced over at my mom and smiled. “How come you never send me anything like that?”

“I send you stuff sometimes.”

“Never homemade cookies.”

“Well I just must not love you as much as she loves Trace.”

I laughed. “I guess not. But you’ll make some cobbler while you’re out here, right?”

“I suppose. I could make some for tonight unless we’re going out to eat.”

“I was thinking we could stay home. I was going to barbeque. And Trace and Emily are going to come over to eat.”

“Oh good. I haven’t seen Emily in a while.”

My mom absolutely loves Emily. She has ever since the first time I introduced them and Emily embarrassed the hell out of me by telling my mom she raised a very polite and respectful man. I like getting compliments as much as anyone but Emily came out of nowhere with it and then they were both staring at me and it was awkward. But it made my mom immediately fall in love with Emily and almost every time I talk to my mom on the phone, she asks about her.

“So are her and Ben still broken up?”

“Yeah, it’s pretty much for good. But they’re finally on civil terms with each other.”

“They’ve talked?”

“A couple days ago.” They had ended up talking at my house and it had gone pretty good. Emily had been really mature about it all and I was really proud of her for deciding to forgive Ben. That must not have been an easy thing to do. “Emily wanted me there when she talked to him.”

“Oh really?”

“Yeah. I think she kind of wanted a mediator just in case.”

“This wasn’t the first time they’ve talked though.”

“No but Emily decided she wanted to forgive him and kind of just put everything behind her.”

“Good for her. That’s a very mature decision.”

“It is.”

“She’s a very smart girl.”

I smiled. “I never knew you had such a crush on her, Mom.”

“Oh stop. You should be happy I like your friends.”

“I am, I am.”

There was a short moment of silence before my mom spoke again. “So is Emily still at that modeling studio?”

“Look, how about I just give you her number and you guys can go on a date and then I don’t have to be the middle man.”

All I received was a light hit on my shoulder. “Shush, boy.”

* * *

“Here’s your beer, Chief.”

I looked away from the hot bartender to Justin. “Thanks, man.”

He sat down beside me. “Have you seen my mom?”

“Bathroom.”

You see, this is why Lynn is the coolest mom ever. She was all over coming out to a club with us tonight and the best thing is she completely blends in. She’s been tearing up the dance floor with Trace ever since we got here an hour ago.

I took a drink of my beer. “Where’s Trace?”

“He’s flirting with some waitress downstairs.”

“And you’re not with him?”

“The girls here are a little too plastic for me.”

I began to laugh. “Dare I bring up Amanda? She was like Barbie and you dated her for two months.”

“I was young.”

“It was last year.”

“She wasn’t THAT bad. She was a nice girl.”

“I’m sure she was but she was plasticy.”

“Well what I’m saying is now I prefer a more natural girl.” He gave me a cheesy smile. “Just like you, darling.”

I flipped my hair behind my shoulders. “Well I guess I am pretty sexy.”

“Sure are. Right down to your calves.”

“Hey, you leave my deformed calves out of this.”

“I can’t help it. They’re too abnormal.”

He was making fun of me but whatever. There’s something wrong with my calves. “Leave me alone, jerk.”

He laughed and stole my beer from me to take a drink. “So are you just going to sit here all night or are you going to come dance with me?”

I smiled. “I was just waiting for the invitation.”

“Well here it is. Let’s go, girl.”

I giggled and stood. “Okay.”

There was seriously like a million people at the club and getting down to the dance floor was no easy task. But once we were there and in the middle of everyone, it was all good. Like I’ve said before, dancing with Justin is always a fun time.

Justin and I go to clubs all the time. It’s like our thing. I’ve danced with him more times than I can count. And it’s always been fun and playful and innocent. Tonight though…what was tonight? It didn’t even start out normal. It was different right from the beginning.

He was keeping his hands away from definite ‘more than just friends’ areas but other than that, he was touching me everywhere. My waist and my hips and my back and my shoulders and my arms and my neck and my hair. Seriously, what was going on? Since when do Justin and I dance like this?

His eyes were trained on me for what seemed like an eternity. He was looking at me like I was the only person in the entire club. Like he wasn’t even aware of all the people pushing around us or the smell of body odor in the air. What is going on?

It’s not like I mind, cause I don’t. He’s making me feel like I’m the only person in the world and I love all the attention he’s giving me. What girl wouldn’t? But this is just so weird. It’s not like it was overtly sexual but if Ben and I were still going out and Ben saw us dancing like this, he’d kick Justin’s ass.

His hands were now settled on my hips, his fingers curled around them. Normally he’s singing the words along to the song when we dance but tonight all he’s doing is looking at my face and every once in a while down at my body. I have to keep looking away because it’s too intense. You know how some people will give you too much eye contact to the point where it’s awkward? Justin sometimes does that and usually I’ll just tell him to knock it off. But tonight I can’t bring myself to say anything. If I do, he might stop dancing because he thinks I’m uncomfortable. And I’m not necessarily. This is just different.

It’s actually been different ever since I got back from Ohio. Justin and I have been friends for years but for the past two months, it’s like we’ve been in this weird in between stage of friends and…something. Like when we were camping and slept with our sleeping bags together. We never would have done that before. Especially not when I was dating one of his friends.

It seemed like the club had gotten ten times hotter since we had started dancing. I was probably sweating. Justin still seemed as cool and calm as could be but his eyes gave him away. There was this almost nervous quality in them that I had only seen once before.

My stomach started churning. That one time I had seen that look was the first time he had met Brandy Wellis. Exactly fifteen minutes later he had asked her out on their first date.

Okay, I can’t think about this anymore. I must be reading too much into this all. I’m just going to stop and have fun. I’m going to exhaust myself by analyzing this anymore.

We danced longer tonight than we ever have before. My eyes felt like jelly by time we left the dance floor and joined Lynn and Trace back in the upstairs VIP area.

Lynn left at twelve thirty and soon after that, Trace went off to go further pursue the “hot waitress”. Justin and I chilled at our table for a couple hours before finally deciding to go.

He was driving me home and it was pretty silent in the car on the drive to my apartment. The night had just been so weird that it was like there was nothing to say. And in the silence, I couldn’t help but think about that look I had seen in his eyes when we were dancing.

There were all these weird emotions and thoughts flying through my head. I don’t know what Justin was thinking but I suddenly knew a cold hard fact about myself. I’m attracted to Justin. His looks, his personality, his character. Everything.

Oh man, this is bad. I don’t like to have feelings for someone when I don’t know what they’re feeling back. Sure, I can guess what Justin’s feeling but he doesn’t wear his emotions on his sleeve and I can’t really be sure.

“Are you alright? You look a little pale.”

My eyes jerked over to Justin and then back at the road. “I’m good.”

“Are you sure?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

He laughed a bit. “What’s with you?”

I leaned my head against the back of the seat and covered my face with my hands. Smooth, Emily. Be a spaz and he’ll know something’s up. He’ll figure out I have a crush or whatever on him and he’ll laugh at me and make fun of me and I’ll never hear the end of it.

“Em?”

I dropped my hands. “I’m great. Maybe tired. Maybe it’s…tired probably.”

He was laughing and my brow wrinkled and I looked over at him.

“What?”

“We’re here? If you could stop babbling long enough, maybe you’d see that.”

My face went red when I realized we were outside my apartment and probably had been the whole time I had been trying to make an excuse for being weird. Smooth move.

As if trying to make up for my obliviousness, I quickly undid my seatbelt and opened the door. “Do you want to come in?” My mouth expelled the words in a blurt before I could even process them.”

“I better. Seems like you may not even make it up there at this point.” His eyes twinkled a bit. “Considering how tired you are.”

I can’t even imagine how red my face probably was. I opened my mouth to respond but who am I kidding. I have no way or responding without coming across even crazier so I stayed silent and got out of the car.

“Lola home?” he asked as we climbed the stairs.

I shook my head. “She’s at Mitch’s.” I fumbled for my keys in my purse and it took me a minute before I was able to successfully fit the correct key in the lock. Justin standing directly behind me wasn’t helping matters.

“So you’ve got the place all to yourself tonight.”

I glanced back at him momentarily at the way he had said that. Suddenly I realized I didn’t have to worry about being so out of it tonight because he was being weirder than me. And his weirdness was what was causing me to act the way I was.

When we entered my apartment, I immediately started flipping on lights just to keep myself busy. Justin headed for the kitchen and I followed behind him.

“So your mom leaves tomorrow?” I asked as I watched him pull a glass from the cupboard and fill it with water.

He leaned back against the counter. “Yeah. I wish she was out here for longer.”

I leaned my hip against the counter and crossed my arms over my chest. “Did you ask her too?”

“She and Paul are going on a cruise in three days so she can’t.”

I nodded and glanced around the kitchen. I swear my heart skipped like ten beats when I looked at the fridge and saw that the stupid note from Lola was still on the door. Why hadn’t I erased it? This was bad.

My eyes moved to Justin and I saw that he was looking at the fridge. I couldn’t even hope he didn’t see it. He’d have to be blind not to. Maybe he won’t say anything. Maybe he’ll know it’s about him and won’t say anything to make things awkward. Maybe-

“What’s that note about?”

My stomach sank. Why? Honestly, why does he always have to question everything? I desperately tried to keep my face nonchalant as I made up something.

“Lola was being stupid.”

“Who’s that about?”

“Just…some guy. It’s nothing.”

The look on his face let me know that he knew I was lying but thankfully he didn’t say anything more and an awkward silence fell over us. Geez, this is uncomfortable. I’m totally convinced that he knows the note is about him. Who else could it be about?

I am going to kill Lola next time I see her.

Justin was still staring at the note, which at this point I desperately wanted to erase. I couldn’t even think of anything to say to make things normal. He solved that pretty quickly.

“I should go.”

I straightened and my arms dropped to my sides. “Yeah.”

He put his glass in the sink and moved past me. I trailed behind.

“I guess I’ll talk to you later,” he said as he opened the door.

I bit the inside of my life. “Sure. Say goodbye to your mom for me.”

“I will.”

Another awkward moment of silence followed and then he abruptly leaned in to hug me. Even the hug was different.

“See you later, Chief.”

“Bye,” I said softly.

He pulled back and left, closing the door behind him. As soon as the door was shut, I leaned back against it, resting my head on the wood.

This night just needed to be over.

“Your game is shit today.”

I frowned and lowered my golf club to the ground. “I’m aware, thank you.” I wiped my hand across my forehead. “Maybe golfing today wasn’t such a good idea.”

“You’re the one who wanted to go.”

“I thought it would take my mind of things.”

“Things as in Emily Baxter?”

“Trace…”

“You’re not seriously going to deny it, are you? I saw you guys last night.”

I finally looked over at Trace. “What are you talking about?”

“At the club. You guys were…well that was something else on the dance floor.”

“We were just dancing.”

Trace began to laugh and I rolled my eyes. Sometimes I really question why I talk to him about anything.

“That was not just dancing. You looked like you either wanted to start going at it or confess your undying love to her.”

I stared out across the greens before looking back at him. “She’s Bens’ ex.”

“So that’s the issue.”

“Of course that’s the issue. Why else would I be skirting around this if there wasn’t some huge issue standing in my way?”

“Is it really that big of a deal?”

“He’s my friend, Trace. I don’t think I can do that to him.”

“He’d really care that much?”

I gave him a look. “He’d kill me. He’s still hung up on her.”

“But she’s not. Considering that note in her apartment you saw last night.”

Yeah, that note was something else. For a while I had had some suspicions that Emily was feeling something towards me. She just did those things that girls always do when they’re interested like laugh a lot at my stupid jokes and randomly touch me for no real reason. But until last night when I had saw that note from Lola, I thought maybe all she wanted was to have a fling or something. She’s one of the worst liars I know and she hadn’t been very convincing when I had asked her about it. She had looked like she wanted to keel over and die of embarrassment.

But that note had let me know that she was interested. And interested in dating. I’m really not the type to move from girl to girl. I like being in a relationship and lately it’s like all I can think about is what it would be like to date her. It would be so amazing.

“Doesn’t really matter if she’s hung up on him or not. She and Ben used to date. I can’t just forget about that.”

“Well you’ve got more will power than me. If Emily wanted to date me, I’d go for it. Who cares who her ex is.”

I watched as Trace lined up his shot and swung his golf club. His shot was much better than mine and I sighed. I was used to beating him at golf.

“So what are you going to do about her?” he asked as we went back to our golf cart.

“What I’ve already been doing. Nothing.”

“Yeah and how long is that going to last?”

I didn’t say anything simply because I didn’t know. I haven’t acted on anything about Emily for two years and it’s getting progressively harder. Really, someone tell me how to deal with this.

I put my club in my bag and ran a hand over my head. “Well what would you suggest?”

He only shrugged but I expectantly waited for an answer. After a minute of silence, he sighed.

“Shit, I don’t know. If it were me I would just say screw it and forget about Ben.” His cell phone began to ring and he reached in his pocket. “But you aren’t like that.” He gave another shrug and then raised his phone to his ear. “What up?”

I sighed and was prepared to go sit in our golf cart when Trace’s words stopped me.

“Hey, Em. We were just talking about you.”

I turned back to him and sent him a deathly glare. What the hell is he doing?

“Me and Justin…Just about how hot you were looking last night.” He let out a loud laugh. “Yeah, exactly.”

An uneasy feeling had settled in my stomach. Trace better not say anything stupid.

“What’s going on?…Oh awesome…Yeah, that’s cool…No, he always turns off his phone when he’s golfing…Yeah hold on.”

I snatched his phone from him when he held it out to me. From now on, he is no longer allowed to talk to her.

I tried to make my voice sounds as casual and collected as possible. “Hello?”

“Hey, guess what!”

I had to pull the phone away from my ear. It sounded like she was yelling into the mouthpiece. “What?”

“I got a raise!”

“Really? That’s great! How come?”

“My boss just said that I’ve done a really good job and he wants to reward me for that.”

“That’s so great.”

“I know. I love this place so much.”

“You’re still at work?”

“I’m on my lunch break. So I want to celebrate.”

“Totally. Do you want to go out somewhere?”

“I’m still recovering from last night. My legs are killing me. Is it just me or did we dance for an abnormally long time?”

“Yeah we did.”

Insert awkward silence here.

“So, uh, how about we get some people together for dinner or something at my house?”

“Okay. I can call some people.”

“When’s Dickie’s shift over?”

“Four, I think I’ll call her.”

“Okay well call whoever you want to come and then give me a call back.”

“Are you going to turn your phone on?”

I smiled. “Yes, I will do that just for you.”

“Kay, I’ll call you back in a bit.”

“Sure. Bye.”

“Bye.”

“What are you doing tonight?” I asked Trace as I handed him his phone back.

“Got a date with Missy.”

“Who the hell is Missy?”

“That waitress from last night. I told you I’d get her number.”

“Oh. Well we’re going to have a celebration dinner cause Emily got a raise.”

“Yeah. I’d cancel but, hey, you saw Missy.”

I smiled a bit. “Yeah I saw her.” I sat down in the golf cart. “Are you ready to move?”

He got into the cart beside me. “You ready to get your ass whopped, boy?”

“You wish, man,” I snorted, even though I knew he was going to beat me today considering the state of my mind. He can just get his ego up this time and by time we play again, I’ll have figured everything out and show him why exactly I’m the pro golfer here.

* * *

“So I’d like to formally apologize for this pitiful celebration dinner,” I said as I let Emily into my house later that night.

She giggled and shed her jacket. “It’s okay. At least you and Trace are here.”

“Yeah, about that,” Trace said, coming up behind me. “I’m kind of on my way out.”

Her mouth dropped open and she put her hands on her hips. “Trace!”

“I have a date with Missy,” he protested.

“You’re ditching us for someone named Missy?” she asked incredulously. “Are you freaking serious?”

He smiled and slipped past her to the door. “You know I love you, Em.”

“Whatever.” She was trying to act mad but I could see she was in too much of a good mood to be even a bit pissed off.

“I’m sure you and Justin will have a better time alone anyways,” Trace said and then quickly left, closing the door behind him. That little bitch. Of course he would say something like that and then leave.

Emily raised her eyebrows at me. “So it’s just us then,” she said.

I smiled. Good, she wasn’t planning on acknowledging Trace’s dumb comment. “Guess so. Whatever. We don’t need them. Besides, that just means more champagne for us.”

“Champagne?”

“Well we’re celebrating, aren’t we?”

“Yeah. I just didn’t know it was going to involve champagne.”

“Getting a raise is a big deal. Worthy of champagne.”

She laughed. “Whatever you say.”

I took her coat from her and hung it up and then went with her to the kitchen. While she was busy looking at the label on the champagne bottle, I took the opportunity to examine her.

She was looking really good tonight. She must be wearing a new pair of jeans because I would have noticed how amazing they made her ass look. Not that I’m constantly staring at her ass, but hey, a guy notices these things. She had on a simple black shirt but it hugged her upper body just enough to get my attention. And her hair was loose and down around her shoulders and it looked so soft and touchable.

Damn, it would be so much better if someone else were here to distract me. I’m going to have to put my willpower to work tonight.

“Justin?”

Her voice caused me to break from my trace and I focused my eyes on hers. “What?”

“I asked what we’re eating. Or are you just planning on getting me liquored up.”

“Oh, uh, I was just thinking we could order some pizza. I have no food here.”

“Perfect. I’ve been craving pizza all day.”

“The pizza fliers are in the drawer by the microwave. You can decide what you want.”

“What do you want?”

“I don’t care. Order whatever you want.”

“Okay.”

She grabbed a flier and leaned back against the counter as she looked at it. While she was distracted, I couldn’t help but to examine her again.

I don’t know why I never realized how beautiful she was before now. Maybe it was because she was dating my friend or maybe I had just never really thought about it before but she was gorgeous. Her body was amazing but it wasn’t that. I’ve always loved her blue eyes and how expressive they are. And don’t even get me started on her mouth. Her lips always look like they’re begging to be kissed.

And she had that girl next door quality that I’ve always been attracted to. She was kind and sweet but you know there’s that fire inside of her that’ll come out when you’re least expecting it. And she has this innocence about her and it can make her hot as hell.

Ben was such a moron for giving this up.

“Hawaiian okay?”

I grabbed the phone. “Yep.”

After I called for delivery, I broke out the champagne and we toasted to Emily’s raise. Having an entire bottle of champagne between the two of us probably wasn’t the best idea considering it seems like I need to constantly be aware of myself around her and having alcohol in my system might allow me to not think about how Emily is Ben’s ex girlfriend.

Emily is Ben’s ex girlfriend. That’ll all I needed to keep telling myself and everything will be find tonight.

We chilled in the kitchen while we waited for the pizza and Emily told me about the rest of her day at work. By time we were sitting downstairs in the den eating our pizza, I knew all about her current finances and her revised budget with the extra money she would be making. Yeah, so it was kind of boring but I liked to listen to her talk so I was fine with it. And it helped keep my mind off of how good she was looking right now.

I was doing fine until we finished eating and she turned on the TV and then sat beside me on the couch and poured us some more champagne. I was drinking slowly and I could handle the alcohol but I couldn’t handle her beside me. She kept staring at me and I could feel her eyes on me and I tried to ignore it but every once in a while I’d look over at her and she’d quickly turn her head away. She wasn’t making this very easy.

“What time do you think Trace will be back?”

I turned from the TV at the sound of her voice and found her once again watching me. This time she kept the eye contact. “Not sure. Probably not until late.”

“So we have the place to ourselves for the rest of the night.”

When I had made that similar statement the night before, I had been more joking than anything but her voice sounded very…thoughtful. Like she was thinking of the possibilities of us being alone.

I rubbed my hands on my denim covered thighs. When had my palms gotten so clammy?

“I’ve been thinking about getting a smaller house so it doesn’t seem so big when I’m here alone,” I said, simply trying to find something to fill the silence.

“You have?”

“Well maybe. I like the space though.”

Her hand was suddenly reaching over and I gulped as she picked up one of my hands in hers. “Do you get lonely here?”

I wet my dry lips as she began to play with my fingers. “Uh, sometimes.” I watched as she bent my fingers in towards my palm and then straightened them.

“I think if I lived in a place this big I’d get lonely.”

“You’re just used to your apartment and living with Lola.”

She shifted on the couch and when she settled, her knee was resting slightly on my thigh. Shit, did she know what she was doing to me?

“I guess.” She pulled her bottom lip between her teeth and stared at my hand she was still holding. I found myself unable to look away from her. I had told myself I wouldn’t get into a situation where I would be feeling like this. But how do I just get up and leave this?

Even though I knew better, I tentatively moved my free hand to her knee and rested it there. I knew this was getting a little risky but I couldn’t just sit there with no contact on my part. This just felt so much better. The moment my hand touched her knee, she leaned a little further into me and smiled. I swallowed hard. What were we doing?

She’s Ben’s ex.

“I really like your cologne,” she said. “Is it new?”

I swallowed again. “No. Same as always.”

“Weird. It smells different.”

I simply shrugged and moved my fingers in small circles on her knee. I tried to make some witty comment about how maybe I just wasn’t dousing myself in cologne like she seems to think I do but the words wouldn’t leave my mouth.

She smells pretty amazing tonight. Some kind of mixture of perfume and shampoo and just natural scent. It was making me dizzy but in a really, really good way.

She’s Ben’s ex and I’m totally encouraging this. I have to stop.

So I did.

“I should wrap up this pizza before it gets completely disgusting,” I said and pulled myself completely away from her as I stood. She stared at me for a second before blinking a couple times.

“Oh. Right.”

I grabbed the pizza box and the champagne bottle and then started upstairs. Emily followed behind me.

Things were different when we got to the kitchen. Of course it was weird in the den. I had lit a fire down there and the lighting had been dim and there was the champagne. I was basically setting the atmosphere.

Up in the kitchen though, with the bright lights and cold tile floor, things were different.

“Do you want to watch a movie or something?” I asked as I wrapped up the pizza and put it in the fridge.

“We could I guess.”

I glanced over at her as she came over to me and leaned back against the counter. “Do you not want to?”

She shrugged and ran her hands over her stomach. “Does it ever seem to you that we watch a lot of movies?”

I laughed a bit. “Not really.”

“Maybe I’m just bored.”

“Bored with what?”

“Life I guess. I need something to spice things up.”

Suddenly things weren’t so different in the kitchen. Emily was suddenly looking a hundred times better. I tried to distract myself by wiping the counter but it was no use. It’s like when you have an intense craving for something and the more you try to forget about it, the more intense it gets.

Sometimes you just have to give in to the craving.

Emily didn’t even try to move away when I stepped in front of her and when I leaned forward and kissed her, she responded more than I had initiated.

I’d be a liar if I said I hadn’t thought about kissing her many times before but this was a thousand times better than anything I had ever imagined. Her lips were so soft against mine and she tasted so good. A mixture of champagne and just…Emily. This was so worth it.

I was a fool to think that one kiss would take away the craving because as soon as I slightly pulled back, I was moving in for another kiss. There was this insatiable hunger in me now. This time I let my hands touch her face, cupping her cheeks and I tilted my head to get better access to her mouth. She was running her fingers along my scalp, through my hair and it felt so so good. Her mouth was working against mine and she was so into this. I knew she would be.

The more this went on, the more I needed to be closer to her. I moved one hand from her cheek to wrap around her body and pulled her up against me. A smile formed on my face through the kiss. I knew she would fit perfectly against me.

Wow, this girl is seriously an amazing kisser. She knows just what to do with her lips, with her tongue, and it’s driving me crazy. She’s amazing. She’s perfect. She’s-

She’s Ben’s ex.

When that suddenly wormed it’s way back into my head, I broke away from her and let my arms drop. I was breathing heavily and I stepped away from her and moved to the side. Leaning forward, I rested my elbows on the counter and laced my fingers behind my neck, a string of whispered curses slipping from my mouth. What the hell did I just do?

It was silent for a brief moment before a breath of air escaped Emily’s mouth and she said, “I didn’t realize kissing me was so horrible.”

I lifted my head to glance at her and then dropped my head back down. “It wasn’t.”

“So why did you stop?”

I sighed and squeezed my eyes shut. It was quiet for too long of a time before I said anything. “You and Ben used to date.”

“But we don’t anymore.”

“But you did.” I straightened, my hands still around the back of my neck. I let out a large breath of air. “Shit, we shouldn’t have done that.”

“I don’t get what the huge deal is.”

My arms dropped to my side. “The huge deal is that you’re Ben’s ex and I’m his friend.”

“But-”

“I know from that note last night that you want to date me.”

A blush formed over her cheeks at the mention of the note and she looked to the side, not saying anything.

“Don’t be embarrassed. That’s exactly what I want too.”

A glimmer of hope went through her eyes. “Really?”

“I didn’t think I was being that discrete.”

“I wasn’t sure.” She smiled a bit. “Then…well if we’re both on the same page…”

I shook my head. “You’re Ben’s ex.”

“I’m aware of that.”

“I can’t do that to him, Emily.”

“Do what to him? I don’t get it.”

“I can’t date a girl he used to date. That would ruin our friendship.”

“It’s not that big of a deal.”

“What do you think would happen if Lola and Mitch broke up and you started dating Mitch? How do you think Lola would react?”

That shut her up for a minute. Finally, “That would be different.”

“How is that different?”

She crossed her arms over her chest. “Because he cheated on me. He doesn’t get to have a say in me dating, regardless of who it’s with.”

I stared at her and didn’t say anything. All I really wanted to do at this point was kiss her again but I refrained. I shook my head and leaned back against the counter, resting my palms against the edge. “This can’t work.”

“Well than what are we going to do?”

What WERE we going to do? How exactly do you go from a kiss like that to nothing? How stupid was I to think that I could kiss her and that would somehow stop this desire to be with her.

“Justin?”

I reached up one hand to rub my forehead and shut my eyes. “I don’t know.”

She sighed and I opened my eyes to see her move to stand in front of me. My eyes followed her hand as it slid down my arm to rest on the top of my hand. “This doesn’t have to be so hard, Justin. If we like each other than nothing should be preventing us from doing what we want.”

I looked up from our hands to her eyes. “Ben would never forgive me.”

“We don’t have to tell him,” she said. “We could just keep it a secret and no one would have to know.”

I stared at her and bit the inside of my cheek. I had planned on sticking to my decision regardless of what happened. But after that kiss, it was too hard. Maybe if Emily had just accepted my reasoning, it would be so much easier. But she was fighting it and I was giving in.

I moved my hand and intertwined my fingers with hers and then lifted our joined hands between our bodies. “You want to keep it a secret?”

“If that’s the only way than I don’t care. But it’s not fair to not do anything just because of Ben.”

“We really would have to keep it a secret from everyone.”

“I know.”

“You suck at lying though.”

She rolled her eyes. “I’m not that bad.”

She really is that bad. “What are you going to do if someone comes right out and asks you if there’s something going on between us? What will you say?”

“The only person who would ever do that is Lola and she can keep a secret. I say if we have anyone we need to worry about, it’s Trace.”

My brow furrowed. “What’s wrong with Trace?”

“Justin, he has such a big mouth. If you tell him the whole world will know about it.”

“I’ll talk to him. If it’s important he won’t say anything.” I breathed in deeply. “So Lola and Trace and that’s it.”

“Okay.” A smile formed across her face and she looked so genuinely happy. “This is so great.”

I couldn’t help but smile back at her. “I know.”

Her smile grew a little more until she looked like she was going to burst. With a giggle, she pulled her hand from mine and wrapped her arms around my neck and practically jumped on me in a hug. I laughed and circled my arms around her, hugging her back.

This was amazing. Really amazing. I just hope this wasn’t going to cause a huge amount of problems. I mean, how long can you really hide a relationship from your friends?

My mind was going on overload but then when Emily leaned back and pulled my head down for a kiss, I was somehow able to forget about everything but her.

It was midnight when I arrived back at my apartment that night. I have a few silent prayers that Mitch wouldn’t be there as I ran up the stairs to the third floor. I needed to talk to Lola alone.

“Please don’t let Mitch be here,” I mumbled again as I unlocked the door. “Just for tonight.”

When the door was open, my eyes scanned the floor in search of any masculine shoes but all I saw was Lola’s flipflops. The apartment was dark and quiet and I knew she was probably sleeping. Not that that was going to stop me from going and talking to her. She’s woken me up on countless occasions before to talk to me about boy problems.

Before bothering her, I went to my room to change out of my clothes. I’ll admit, I had taken extra time getting ready tonight, hoping it would maybe push things in the right direction. I have no idea if Justin even noticed but things had definitely happened so it was worth it.

Once I was in my pajamas, I went to Lola’s room and opened the door. I could see her figure in bed and I crawled into the other side.

“Lola.”

She moaned a bit when I nudged her shoulder. When she didn’t immediately open her eyes, I poked her again.

“Lola…”

“What?” she mumbled into her pillow.

“Wake up. I have to talk to you.”

She opened one eye to look at me. “You and Justin hooked up.”

What the hell? “How did you know that?”

“You have this stupid smile on your face and you smell like him.” She smiled a bit. “How was is?”

I rolled my eyes. “We didn’t sleep together.”

“But something happened.”

I smiled. Yeah, something definitely happened. “We kissed.”

Lola smiled and opened her other eye. “Really? And?”

I bit my lower lip but that didn’t stop my smile from growing a little bit. “We’re going to try dating.”

“Aw, really? I’m so happy for you.” She shifted over to give me a hug and then laid back down on her side, facing me.

“But you can’t tell anyone. Not even Mitch.”

“Why?”

“Because only you and Trace are allowed to know. That’s the only way it’s going to work.”

“Why?”

“Because Justin has this thing about Ben not finding out.”

“Is he worried about Ben being mad about you two dating?”

“Yeah. Which I don’t understand because it’s not like me and Ben simply broke up. He cheated on me and I think that should give me the right to date whoever I want. Even if it’s one of his friends.”

“Yeah but Ben didn’t do anything to Justin and if Ben finds out it’ll affect Justin’s friendship with him.”

“That’s what Justin said.”

“So can you keep it a secret?”

“I have to. That’s basically the only way. I had to talk Justin into it because he was so worried about Ben finding out.”

“It’s going to be hard.”

I sighed and rolled onto my back. “I know. But hopefully we’ll just do it for a while and then it won’t be such a big deal and we can come out in the open.”

“Yeah.” Lola smiled at me. “So you must just be ecstatic that you and Justin are dating.”

I hugged a pillow to my chest and a small laugh escaped me. “Tonight was so amazing. He’s so great.”

“I bet he’s a good kisser.”

I could feel a blush spread over my cheeks. “Oh my gosh, Lola, he’s amazing. He’s like the best kisser ever. You don’t even know.”

“I can imagine.”

“This was the best night ever.”

“I bet it would be an even better night if we both went to bed and talked about it more in the morning.”

I laughed a bit and sat up. “Okay.”

“I bet you’re too wound up to sleep.”

“Yeah, I am. I’ll just watch some TV or something.”

Lola yawned and closed her eyes. “I’ll talk to you in the morning.”

“Night.”

I really was too would up to even think about sleeping. I felt like I could go run around the block ten times but I refrained since that’s not the wisest thing to do at midnight in LA. So instead, I crawled into bed and turned on my little TV in my room and began to channel surf. Not that it really mattered what I watched. All that was going to be going through my head was the events of tonight.

* * *

Before my alarm clock could even go off, the vibration of my cell phone woke me up. Groaning, I rolled over to my side and reached my hand out from under the covers to grab it from my bedside table.

Who’s the jerk sending me a text message at 7:09 on a Tuesday morning?

Call in sick for work?

A smile spread across my face as I read Justin’s message. Burrowing deeper into bed, I wrote him back.

Why would I do that?

I shut my phone and then laid my head against the pillow. I’m really not a morning person but something about waking up and remembering the night before instantly put me in a better mood.

My phone vibrated again and I opened it.

Because then we can hang out. We’ll go to the beach. It’ll be fun…

I laughed and seriously considered calling in for a moment. But after getting my raise, I couldn’t justify it.

I can’t. But I’ll try and get off early.

All I got in response to that was a sad face and I smiled. He wasn’t going to guilt me into skipping out of work so I put my phone down and pushed the blankets off me. It wasn’t until I had showered and did my hair and makeup that I saw I had another text message waiting for me.

Are you going to call when you’re off? I cancelled plans tonight so we could hang out.

I text him back to say I’d call him when I got off and then got dressed and left my room. Lola was already gone to work so I guess our discussion of my night was going to have to wait until later.

Work turned out to be a bit of a bust. The photoshoot I was supposed to do makeup for was cancelled because the model was sick so Lucy and I ended up going shopping for supplies for most of the morning and then I basically did nothing for the rest of the day. I know, really productive, right? I should have just called in sick.

It was close to four when I arrived back at my apartment. I called Justin on my way home but he didn’t pick up. He was probably golfing again. I asked him about why he feels the need to turn off his phone while he golfs and he gave me some spiel about needing to concentrate on his game. He’ll keep his phone on when he’s trying to sleep but turn it off when he’s golfing? That doesn’t even begin to make sense. He’s not the easiest person to debate with though, so I didn’t even bother.

After leaving a message telling him I was home, I wandered into the kitchen to find something to eat. I sighed as I stared into the fridge. I really needed to go get groceries. Lola and I share food but she never actually goes to buy any. She’ll just give me money and let me do it. She says it’s because she doesn’t know which food to buy. I say it’s just because she’s just really lazy. If I’m away she’ll seriously just not eat until I get back and buy food. I don’t even know how she survived when I was in Ohio.

Finally I made a sad little bowl of plain rice. We didn’t even have any soy sauce to put on it. But I was hungry and it was going to have to do. I’d get groceries tomorrow.

I was sitting on the couch with my rice, watching Dr. Phil when there was a knock on the door. Putting my bowl aside, I got up from the couch to get it.

Seeing Justin on the other side immediately made my day and a smile spread across my face.

“Hi.”

He smiled and came into my apartment. “Hey.”

It wasn’t until the door was shut behind him that he leaned down to hug me. I was about to make some remark about how I didn’t think my neighbors would phone up Ben if they saw us together but before I could, his lips were on mine and I basically could care less about anything else.

I had thought the memory of his kisses from last night were fresh in my mind but experiencing it all over again was a million times better. This was seriously heaven. It was like it wasn’t just his mouth kissing me. It was like his whole body was kissing me. Wow, that sounds really stupid. This is what being giddy over a guy does to me.

He pulled away too soon, leaving me wanting more. “Hey.”

I smiled. “You already said that.”

He looked around me. “Lo here?”

“Nope.”

“So just you and me.”

“You, me, and Dr. Phil.”

“I hate Dr. Phil,” Justin stated with such a serious look on his face I almost burst out laughing.

“Good thing it’s possible to change the channel.” I grabbed his hand and pulled him into the living room. “What were you doing? Why wasn’t your phone on?”

“I was recording.”

I sat down on the couch. “Recording? Since when?”

“A friend of mine called me up this morning. We were just fooling around.” He sat down beside me and pulled my legs onto his lap. His eyes watched me was I picked up my bowl of rice. “Are you just eating plain rice?”

“Yeah. Want some?”

He nodded and I lifted a forkful to his mouth. He accepted it and chewed it slowly and then swallowed. How can he make even eating rice look hot?

“So what’s with the rice?”

“I have no food. It was either rice or some questionable looking Chinese food. I’ll get food tomorrow.”

“Maybe we can order in food tonight.”

I took a bite of rice and then offered him another forkful. “You don’t want to go out?”

“Not really. Do you?”

I shrugged. It honestly didn’t matter as long as I was with him. Ugh, how cheesy was that? “I could go either way.”

Justin’s hands moved to my feet and he began to fiddle with my toes. “What did you do today?”

“Almost nothing. The photoshoot I was supposed to got scheduled for tomorrow.”

“See, you should have called in sick.”

I finished off the last of my rice and set the bowl aside. “You know if I had called in sick it would have been the most important day of my life at work.”

He laughed. “Sure.” His hand moved under my pant leg to my ankle and I silently congratulated myself for shaving my legs this morning. “This is why you should always listen to me.”

I smiled and dropped my head back against the armrest of the couch. “You wish, man.”

He started to tug on my ankles and I lifted my head. I flutter went through my stomach when I looked at him. A smile spread across my face.

“What?” he chuckled after a minute.

I decided to be a bit bold and shifted on the couch. His eyes widened slightly when I moved my body so I was straddling his legs and facing him.

“Well hello there,” he laughed, resting his hands on the back of my calves.

I smiled and draped my arms loosely around his neck. “Hi.”

A grin was slowly forming across his face. “And here I thought you were this nice, sweet girl.”

My mouth dropped open a bit. “Whatever, buddy. I can move.” I started to lift off him but he pulled me back down by his hands on my calves.

“I’m kidding. I like you here.”

“I bet you do.” I replaced my arms around his neck and stared at him. Just being here like this felt so right. That’s got to be a sign, right? This feeling inside me means this relationship is a good thing.

You’ve got this look I can’t describe
You make me feel like I’m alive

Justin wet his lips slowly and that sparked something inside of me. I leaned forward and pressed my lips against his. Oh yeah, this was right.

I’ve found that Justin has this thing about his hands when he’s kissing. He can’t keep them still and it’s like not only do I have to keep up with his mouth but his hands too. I’m perfectly content to just let my arms rest on the back of his neck but his are moving up my back and now he’s weaving his fingers through my hair. I gave myself another congratulations for leaving my hair down today.

I think I could be happy to just sit here and kiss him all night. There was no rush and as much as I wanted to soak as much of him in as I could, he was obviously content with just slow kisses. And hey, who was I to complain?

There was suddenly a tug on my hair and he pulled his face back. I opened my eyes to look at him.

“My watch is stuck,” he said.

“What?” My question was answered when there was another tug on my hair, this one harder. My hands raised to my head. “Ow.”

“Hold still for a second.”

I tried to keep my head still but it felt like he was tearing a chunk of my hair out. “Ouch! Stop.”

“Sorry. It’s stuck in the strap. Lean your head down.”

Sighing, I leaned my head down and he began trying to pull his watch free again. Finally, after a particularly hard tug, he announced it was free. I raised my head and saw him pulling strands of hair from the band of his watch.

“Look at how much hair you pulled out!” I exclaimed, bringing my hand to my head.

“Sorry,” he apologized again. “I had to. It wouldn’t come out.”

I rubbed the sore spot on my head. “Way to kill the mood.”

He smiled and leaned towards me. “I can get the mood back.”

I pulled my head back before he could kiss me and he gave me a questioning look.

“First,” I said, lifting his hand from my hip. He smiled when I pulled off his watch and put it to the side. “From now on you aren’t allowed to wear watches around me.”

He laughed. “Deal.”

Once his watch was safely away from my hair, I allowed him to kiss me again. The stinging of my scalp was soon forgotten as his lips worked their magic on me. I really just never wanted this to end. I’ve really missed being able to just make out with someone. I love kissing and the past two months without it have just been kind of dull.

Justin pulled away, bringing my lower lip with him briefly before releasing it. “Did you tell Lola?”

“Mm hmm.” I leaned my head forward to kiss his jawbone. “Did you tell Trace?”

He moved his hands down to my hips as I kissed his neck. “He figured it out.”

“He’s a pretty perceptive guy.”

He sighed a bit and leaned his hand against the back of the couch. “Uh huh.”

My lips turned up in a smile when I heard his breathing speed up a bit as I worked my way to his ear. He was really into this.

I guess both of us were too distracted to hear the front door open. Lola’s gasp and Mitch saying “Wow” got our attention though.

Justin’s body tensed and I turned my head to see them standing there. Shit. Lola was smiling but Mitch had this completely shocked look on his face. Lola’s eyes suddenly widened and she slapped her hand over Mitch’s eyes.

“Oh! Sorry! Sorry!” she said, pulling Mitch towards her room. “Sorry!”

As soon as I heard her door shut, I turned back to Justin and buried my face in his neck and giggled. “Guess we’re not so good at hiding this.”

He didn’t say anything but I felt him nudge me, motioning me to move off him. I raised my head to see his face. “What?”

He shifted again and I pulled myself off him and sat down beside him on the couch. “What’s wrong?”

“Only Lola and Trace are supposed to know.”

I laughed a bit. “It’s only Mitch. He won’t tell anyone.”

“The more people that know, the more of a chance there is that someone will let it slip and Ben’ll find out. Only Lola and Trace, Emily.”

Some annoyance went through me at the way he was talking to me. “Why the hell are you getting mad at me? It’s not like I knew Mitch was coming over.”

“You’d think that maybe you could have mentioned she would be here soon so we wouldn’t have been sitting here making out for the whole world to see.”

Glaring at him, I shifted on the couch and felt something under me. Pulling Justin’s watch from under my leg, I tossed it at him. “Why are you being a jerk?”

“This is just a little irritating, Emily.”

I opened my mouth to respond but then I realized exactly how loud we were being. I usually try to not air out personal matters in front of people and knowing Lola and Mitch, they probably have their ears pressed against her door, trying to hear.

Shutting my mouth, I stood up. “I’m not fighting about this out here,” I said and began to walk to my room. He got up and followed me and I made sure the door was shut behind us before I said anything.

“First of all, Lola is home early so I didn’t know she would walk in on us. Second, the only way Mitch knew Ben was through me and they didn’t even get along that well so I doubt he’s going to call him up and say anything.” I crossed my arms over my chest. “And if you’re so worried about someone seeing us, maybe YOU should be more aware of the environment we’re in and if someone will see us when we’re together.”

I finished my little speech by sitting on my bed and crossing my legs with attitude. He better choose his next words wisely.

He sighed and ran his hands over the top of his head. “It’s just that we were only supposed to tell two people.”

“I didn’t tell Mitch. And him seeing us was not my fault.”

“I know that. And you might think that it’s not a big deal if more people know but it’s a big deal to me because I know if Ben ever found out he’d be really pissed off and it would ruin our friendship.” His voice was calmer now and I felt myself relax a bit. “And I just need you to understand that.”

My hands dropped to my lap. “I do. But you need to understand how hard it is not to tell anyone. I’m happy and I want to tell people but I can’t and that sucks.”

He leaned back against my dresser and sighed. “I know. It sucks for me too. But it’s just how it has to be right now.”

I nodded with resignation and looked to the side. Justin moved form the dresser over to me and he crouched down in front of me, taking my hands in his hands.

“It’s just for now, Em,” he said softly. “And later we’ll figure it out.”

I stared at him for a minute before nodding again. It was quiet for a long moment before I said, “Mitch won’t say anything.”

He squeezed my hands. “I’m not worried about him. I know he won’t.”

“Okay.”

He pulled me up so I was standing and hugged me. “I guess I was being a jerk. Sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

So was this our first official fight as a couple? If so, I could definitely deal with this. Ben was the worst person to argue with because he would become completely unreasonable and normally our fights would end with me being exhausted with trying to get my point across and just give into him. But this with Justin was an actual adult argument with a reasonable ending. This must be what a healthy argument felt like.

“Want to go see if Lo and Mitch want to order in food?” Justin asked, pulling me from my thoughts.

“Okay.”

He stepped back from me and picked up my hand as we left my room.

“You aren’t supposed to be wearing your watch of torture around me,” I commented, seeing his watch back on his wrist.

“Well you threw it at me.”

“I was mad.”

“I guess a watch thrown at me is better than a glass.”

I rolled my eyes. “Don’t cheat on me and I’ll never have to throw a glass at you.”

He laughed slightly and squeezed my hand. “I’m not stupid enough to ever even think of cheating on you, Chief.”

“What time is it?”

One of the arms around my stomach moved so Justin could look at his watch. “Twenty after eight.”

“I need to go soon.”

His arm went back around my stomach and he pulled me back tighter against him. “No you don’t.”

I smiled a bit and leaned my head back against his chest. “Yes I do. It’s CSI night.”

He groaned a bit and dropped his head against the back of the recliner chair we had both squeezed into. “Skip it.”

I scoffed and hit his leg lightly. “Yeah right. You know you could just come with me and we could watch it together.”

“Nope.”

I was going to take another stab at trying to convince him to become a CSI fan but when I felt his lips brush against my neck, I let it go. I think over the past week and a half he’s figured out that kissing my neck is a great way to distract me and he’s using it to his advantage. Like I really care.

“What if you tape it?” he mumbled into my skin. “You could stay here for longer.”

My eyes closed and I turned my head to the side to give him more access to my neck. “Not even an option.”

His knees raised up on either side of me and I hooked my arms around them. I opened my eyes when his lips left my neck.

“Mm…don’t stop.”

“I keep getting your hair in my mouth.”

I rolled my eyes. Before anything had started with Justin, I had assumed that he was smooth and completely collected in romantic situations. He just gives off that vibe. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. Whenever he’s being perfect and doing everything right, he’ll come out of nowhere and say something awkward about getting my hair in his mouth or he’ll get his watch stuck in my hair. And yes, he definitely did that again two days ago.

Sighing, I pulled all my hair to one side. “There.”

He laughed a bit and leaned his head against mine. “Oh, Emily...”

“Oh, Justin…”

He leaned his chin down on my shoulder and moved his hands along my stomach. “Want some popcorn? I’m getting hungry.”

I smiled. I knew he was trying to distract me so I’d forget about having to leave but it wasn’t working. “I don’t think I have time.”

He groaned again. “You’re way too addicted to that dumb show.”

“You can’t call it dumb if you don’t even watch it.” I picked up one of his hands and weaved my fingers through his. “Why don’t you come with me and then you’ll understand.”

He breathed out a laugh. “Nice try, but no.”

I turned my head to the side to look at his face and narrowed my eyes slightly. “Why are you so difficult?”

He leaned forward and gave me a quick kiss. “That’s part of my charm, Em.”

I rolled my eyes. “I wouldn’t be so sure of that.” I started to turn my head forward but he brought up his hand to keep me facing him and leaned down to kiss me again.

I would say this was more a part of his charm than being difficult.

I was just getting lost in the kiss when he pulled back and said, “Hold on. I have to burp.”

His words caused me to burst out laughing and he gave me a weird look.

“What?”

“You are so awkward,” I got out in between giggles.

“Hey,” he sounded offended. “I am not.”

I shook my head and kept laughing. I guess he figured the only logical way to get me to stop laughing at him was to tickle me so a second later I felt his fingers dancing over my sides. It didn’t stop my laughter but did cause me to squirm against him.

“Stop it,” I laughed, trying to swat his hands away.

He laughed at me. “Stop grinding against me.”

I tried to stop moving but really, what are you supposed to do when someone’s tickling you? “I am NOT grinding against you, pervert,” I said, making another attempt to move his hands from me. When he wouldn’t stop, I did the next best thing and leaned forward in the chair to get up.

“Hey, hey, don’t go,” Justin said, not even trying to stop laughing. Yeah, that’s the way to get me to stay, buddy.

“You’re being mean,” I replied, still attempting to stand.

His hands grabbed my hips and I found myself being pulled back down in between his legs. His arms wrapped around my stomach and his mouth went to my ear.

“Sorry,” he whispered and then kissed the spot right below my ear. “I’ll be good.”

I smiled and gave him a nudge with my elbow. “You’re never good.”

I could feel his smile against my skin. “Well I’ll try.”

“Mm hmm….”

His lips went back to work on my neck and I relaxed against him. Maybe I could be convinced to be a tiny bit late for CSI. Just a couple minutes. Lola would understand. And Charisse and Becca…well there’s always the excuse of LA traffic, right?

Thinking of Becca made something come to mind. I leaned my head to the side, pulling myself away from Justin just a bit.

“Have you talked to Becca lately?” I asked him.

“Not for a few days.”

“Her grandpa’s pretty sick.”

“The one that lives out here?”

“Yeah. He’s in the hospital again. Something to do with his heart.”

“He’s in the hospital a lot, isn’t he?”

“Yeah. I guess it’s gotten really bad.”

“I should call her. Is she alright?”

I shrugged. “I haven’t talked to her too much. I think she’s going to be over tonight though.”

“Is he at the same hospital she works at?”

“I think so.”

“I’ll have to call her,” he said again and leaned his head against the back of the couch. He was quiet and I leaned my own head on his chest. After a few minutes of silent, I raised my head and lifted his hand to look at his watch. Crap. It was almost quarter too.

“I really have to go,” I said.

He sighed. “You’re sure?”

I nodded. “I never miss CSI night.”

His arms left me and I stood up and offered him my hand to help him up. After gathering my things, I started towards the front door, Justin following.

“What are you doing tomorrow after work?” he asked as I put my shoes on.

“Going over to my aunt and uncle’s for dinner.”

“Oh. Will you be there late?”

“Probably.”

“Saturday?”

“I told Lola I’d go shopping with her but I have the rest of the day free.”

“Save it for me.”

“Okay.” I opened the front door and he leaned down and gave me a kiss, which almost made me want to just screw CSI night and stay there with him, but a) The girls would be suspicious if I didn’t show up, and b) It’s CSI.

“Call me later,” he said when he pulled back.

“I will.”

“Bye.”

I smiled at him and then went to my car. I was so going to be late.

“Em, get in here!” Charise’s voice called when I opened the door of my apartment. “You’re missing it.”

I kicked off my shoes and ran to the living room. Plopping down on the couch, I stayed silent for the next thirty seconds until the opening credits came on. “Sorry. Traffic.”

“Where did you go?” Charise asked.

I quickly thought up something. “I forgot some stuff at work and had to go back.” I glanced over at Lola and she gave me a look and motioned at her neck. I felt my cheeks go red and quickly moved my hair to cover my neck. Stupid Justin left a hickey. That’s exactly how you keep a relationship a secret, right?

I leaned forward and grabbed a few chips from the bowl on the coffee table. “What’d I miss?” I asked, hoping to keep any more questions from where I was to a minimum. I was successful and didn’t have to answer anything else for the rest of the show.

At ten o’clock, Charise and Lola disappeared into her room to find some clothes for Charise to borrow and I was left with Becca. She had been especially quiet all night and now as she was getting her things, I suddenly noticed just how sad she looked.

“How’s your grandpa?” I asked as I stood up with her.

She shrugged. “Not great. It’s pretty bad.”

“Pretty bad like…”

“I think he’s going to die,” she said softly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” I said and pulled her into a hug. “That sucks.”

She simply nodded.

“I hope you didn’t feel like you had to come over here tonight.”

“No, I didn’t. It was actually good to be here. I’ve spent so much time at the hospital the past couple days that I needed a break from it all.”

“Are you going back over there now?”

“Yeah.”

I walked with her to the front door and watched as she put her shoes on. “Is there anything I can do?”

“No.” She sighed. “It’s just like he’s been sick for so long and I’m just kind of ready for this all to end.”

I didn’t really know what else I could say so I just nodded. Becca stared at the floor silently for a few seconds before shaking her head slightly and then reaching to open the door.

“I guess I’ll talk to you later.”

“Okay. Call me if there’s anything you need, alright?”

She nodded and I gave her another hug and then watched her leave. Charise and Lola appeared as I closed the door.

“Becca left?” Lola asked.

“Yeah. Did she tell you about her grandpa?”

“She was telling us about him before you got here,” Charise said as she leaned down to put on her shoes. “It really sucks.”

“Yeah. She said she was going to the hospital to see him. She must practically be living there.”

“Probably is,” Charisse said and straightened. “Alright well I’ve gotta go study for the rest of the night.”

“Did you want to come shopping with us on Saturday?” Lola asked.

“Can’t. I have four midterms next week. I probably won’t see you guys again until next Thursday.” She pointed her finger at me. “And you, missy, better take traffic into account next week so you aren’t late again.”

I laughed a bit even though bits of guilt were starting to seep in. “I will. I promise.”

“Okay. Bye guys.”

“Bye,” Lola and I both echoed behind her. As soon as the door was shut behind her, I groaned and slumped against the wall.

“I hate lying to them.”

Lola laughed a bit. “And this is just the beginning.”

I sighed and leaned my head against the wall. “I just need to be more careful and then I won’t have to lie. I should have left Justin’s sooner.”

“I thought maybe you were going to ditch us all together.”

“Oh please. Like I would miss Thursday night.”

Lola simply shrugged. “You never know when there’s a guy involved.”

“Not only am I never going to miss CSI night because of Justin but I bet you that in a month I can crack him and he’ll be watching it with us.”

Lola raised her eyebrows. “If you lose you make me supper for a week?”

“And if I win you make me supper for a week.”

She stuck out her hand. “Deal.”

I smiled and shook it. She was so going down.

* * *

Sometimes everything in life will be going great and you feel like nothing could go wrong and then something happens that just kind of throws things back into perspective.

Trace called me this morning to tell me that Becca’s grandpa died last night. I never even met him but there’s something about a friend’s family member dying that hit me. I take my family for granted and I just assume they’ll always be around and then something like this happens and makes me realize my family isn’t as immortal as I like to think they are.

When I heard about Becca, I called up my own grandparents just to talk and they seemed surprised to hear from me so randomly. Guess that’s a sign that I need to call home more often. My mom tells me that enough but until now I never really thought a whole lot about it.

I was assuming that plans with Emily were still on for spending the afternoon together, but as I stood outside her apartment and knocked on the door for the second time, suddenly I wasn’t so sure. I really should have called before I left the house. This is what I get for trying to be spontaneous.

I was just calling Emily’s cell phone when I heard the door unlock. Snapping my phone shut, I slipped it back into my pocket as the door opened.

“Have you been out here long?” Lola asked once the door was open

“A few minutes.”

“Sorry. Emily has her ipod on and I was in my room.”

I shrugged and stepped into their apartment. “No worries. I think you’re neighbor across the hallways was watching me through the peephole though.”

“Probably. She’s creepy. You know that crazy cat lady from the Simpsons?”

“Yeah.”

“She looks like her.”

I let out a laugh as I slipped off my shoes. “That’s awkward.”

“Did you hear about Becca?”

“Yeah. That really sucks. Have you talked to her?”

“For a couple minutes this morning. She’s pretty upset.”

“I was going to call her but I thought I’d wait a day.”

“Yeah. You don’t want to overwhelm her.”

“Yeah.” I glanced around. “Is Emily in her room?”

“Kitchen.”

“Okay. Thanks.” I walked through the apartment to the kitchen and as I neared it, the pleasant aroma that I had smelled ever since I entered the apartment grew stronger.

Emily had her back to me when I entered the kitchen and I went up behind her and touched her shoulder to get her attention. She jumped a bit and turned around, pulling her headphones from her ears.

“Hey.”

She wrapped her arms around me and hugged me tightly. She didn’t say anything but instead simply laid her head on my chest.

I rubbed my hands up and down her back. “Are you doing alright?”

She sighed. “You know Becca’s grandpa died?”

“Trace called and told me.”

“It’s so sad.”

“I know.” I hugged her a bit tighter and glanced over her shoulder at the counter. “What are you making?”

“Food for Becca.” She pulled back and shoved her hands in the back pockets of her pants. “I figured she wouldn’t feel like cooking for a while.”

Emily is seriously the sweetest person I know. When someone around her is going through a hard time, she does something so thoughtful like this to show she cares. I remember one time when I was going through this huge tabloid mess about me doing a drug addict or some shit like that and she showed up at my house with a big dish of cobbler just like my granny makes. It was just what I needed to get out of my slump.

“That’s really nice of you.”

She sighed again. “I just didn’t know what else I could do.” She went back to the counter where she was cutting up some chicken. “Do you remember if Becca likes lasagna?”

“Everyone likes lasagna,” I said absentmindedly as I glanced around the kitchen. There was an insane amount of food happening in here. There were muffins cooling on one counter and a large Tupperware container full of spaghetti on the other. And she was apparently planning on making lasagna and then there was whatever she was doing with the chicken.

“You’re really making a lot of food for one person,” I commented somewhat cautiously.

“I just didn’t know what else I could do for her.” She looked down at the floor and sniffed a few times. Shit. Now I’ve got her crying. I should have just kept my mouth shut and let her cook her heart out.

She made a move to wipe her tears away and a sobby laugh escaped her. “I have chicken slime all over my hands.”

Smiling a bit, I went over to her and wiped her tears off her cheeks. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“This is just dumb,” she said. “I met her grandpa like once. This shouldn’t affect me like this.”

“It’s okay to be sad. Becca’s our friend and it’s sad that her grandpa died.”

“I just feel so bad for her.”

“I know. Me too.”

She sniffed again and sighed. She didn’t say anything for a minute and her eyes wandered around the kitchen. “I’m making too much.”

“No. Forget I said anything. Becca’s really going to appreciate it.”

“So should I make the lasagna?”

“Sure. I can help if you want.”

She gave me a look. “You can’t cook.”

I shrugged. She was right but I felt like I had to at least offer. “Then I’ll supervise.” I said, taking a mug from a cupboard and pouring myself some coffee.

“Are you going to bring this stuff to Becca’s today?” I asked as I sat at the kitchen table.

“Yeah.”

“She’s taking time off work, right?”

“I’m assuming so. I didn’t ask.” She went back to the chicken and it was pretty quiet for the next while. The coffee really did nothing for me and I was still tired twenty minutes after I had finished it.

“I’m gonna go lay down in your room.” I said, standing up.

She didn’t look up from the stove. “Okay.”

I left the kitchen and went down the hall to her room. I had always really loved her room. It’s a little small but it’s cozy and she has a million candles in there so it always smells so good. It’s the perfect place for an early afternoon nap

I slept for a good hour before waking up to the feeling of the mattress shifting. I opened my eyes and looked to the side to see that Emily had crawled into bed beside me. She was still getting adjusted and I rolled onto my side and moved over to her.

“Did I wake you up?” she whispered.

I wrapped one arm around her waist and pulled her up against me. I didn’t respond to her question, still half asleep, and instead buried my face in her neck. This is nice. We need to do this more often. When I’m actually trying to sleep, I’d much rather have my own space and sprawl out. But if I’m just dozing like this, I love having someone there to hold onto. Especially if that someone is Emily who feels so good against me.

I can’t get over how great Emily is. I thought she was great before but now…she’s really amazing. The other day I was going on about her to Trace and he finally started laughing at me and said I sounded like a lovesick teenager. I can’t help it though. Trace just doesn’t get it.

“Are you done cooking?” I asked, pulling my head back a bit.

“Yeah.”

“When are you taking it all over?”

“In a little bit. Are you going to come?”

“Sure.”

She lifted up one hand and ran it through my hair. “Are you still tired?”

“I’ll be fine.”

“Did you not sleep well last night?”

“I was out late with Trace and Ben.”

“Oh. Where did you guys go?”

“Some pub that Trace is always going on about. We didn’t go home until close to three.”

“Do you want to sleep now?”

I smiled. “I’ll be fine,” I repeated, leaning my head forward so I could kiss her. Who would really choose sleep over this?

I love the feeling you get at the beginning of a relationship when it’s like nothing can go wrong. Not that I’m an idiot and think everything will always be perfect. I could list a hundred things right now that could go wrong, the top one of course being our brilliant idea to keep this relationship a secret.

I’ve basically realized that I’m a complete moron for thinking that keeping us a secret was anything close to a good idea. I know nothing good will come out of this. I know Emily thinks after a few weeks I’ll suddenly decide that telling everyone will be a great idea and that’ll be the end of it. That’s not going to happen though. I can’t bring myself to tell her that. It’ll just cause this huge amount of drama and I can’t handle that right now.

I know, I know, I should have thought about how messy this would be before I got involved with her. I’m just setting both of us up for a lot of hurt and I know that’s not cool. But I can’t think about that right now. I’ll figure it all out later. For now, I’m completely content just laying here and kissing her.

A knock on the door interrupted us and Emily pulled back and away from me. I rolled onto my back as she jumped up and went to get the door.

“Your buzzer’s going,” Lola said when the door was open.

“Oh great.”

Both of them disappeared from the room and I laid my arm over my eyes. I was just falling back into a light sleep when Emily yelled my name. With a groan, I pulled myself out of bed and left her room, stretching my arms over my head as I walked to the kitchen.

“Everything’s ready,” she said. “Did you want to go to Becca’s?”

“Yeah.”

Getting all the food into my car in one piece was no easy task. I almost dropped the dish of lasagna three times and by the last time, she looked like she was going to have a hernia. Well honestly, the dish was hot and I had more food in my other hand I had to carry. It’s not like I was a waiter in a past life and I could balance a million things in my hands.

Emily didn’t really say much on the drive to Becca’s condo. She gripped my right hand tightly in hers and spent most of the ride staring out the window. I let the silence hang in the car, not really wanting to talk. I didn’t say anything until I pulled into Becca’s driveway.

“She knows we’re coming, right?”

“I called her before we left.”

I parked the car and Emily dropped my hand. “Can you carry the lasagna and muffins again?”

“I can certainly try.”

She smiled a bit and then got out of the car. After she had loaded me up with food, she went me on my way to the door. I waited for her to join me before using my one free finger to hit the doorbell.

“Hey guys,” Becca said softly when she opened the door. “What’s…oh, Em, you didn’t make all this for me, did you?”

“Of course I did.”

“You aren’t going to feel like cooking,” Emily replied with a shrug.

We followed Becca to the kitchen and as soon as Emily had the food out of her hands, she was hugging her. I set the dishes in my hands down on the counter and hung back. Emily and Becca hugged for at least a full minute and when they pulled away, there were tears falling down Becca’s cheeks. I stepped forward and leaned down to hug her.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered to her.

She wrapped her arms around me and took in a shaky breath. “Me too.”

“We’re all here for you, okay? If you need anything at all.”

She nodded and I squeezed her tight and then pulled back. She brought up both hands and wiped off her cheeks and then ran her hands over her upper arms.

“Thanks for making all this, Em,” she finally said. “It really means a lot.”

“Of course. It’s the least I could do. And don’t worry, I didn’t let Justin help so it should all be edible.”

That caused Becca to crack a small smile. “Oh good.”

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, all she wanted me for was to carry the food.”

Emily smiled. “I’m just utilizing your talents.” She reached over to grab my hand but as soon as our hands made contact, I jerked mine back and gave her a look. This definitely wasn’t the place. I looked back to Becca and was relieved to see that her eyes were trained on the counter. She had missed the entire exchange between Emily and me.

It continued to be quiet for another minute before Emily finally spoke.

“Do you want to be alone?”

Becca sighed. “It was so nice of you guys to do all this but, yeah, I…I kind of do. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t even worry about it,” I quickly said. “We totally understand.”

We all went back to the front door and after giving Becca another round of hugs, we left.

“I’m sorry,” Emily said as soon as we were alone in the driveway. “I wasn’t thinking.”

I unlocked the car and shrugged. “She didn’t see.” We got in and I started up the engine. “Do you wanna go back to your place?”

“Yeah. I’m hungry after all that cooking. I kind of want to make some pasta. Is that good?”

Just her words were causing my stomach to growl. “Amazing.”

So maybe it’s just me, but there’s something about seeing a man with a small child that totally melts my heart. It’s just so sweet and cute. This one time, Mitch brought his four year old nephew over to the apartment and they were playing video games and it was seriously the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.

Well, it was the cutest thing until Justin answered the door to his house and I saw him there with his three year old cousin, Kaitlyn, perched on his hip.

“Hey.”

I smiled and stepped into the house. “Hi.”

“Kaitlyn, do you remember Emily?” he asked, looking down at the girl.

She didn’t answer but instead buried her face in his shoulder. So cute. He laughed and ruffled her hair.

“She’s a bit shy.”

My smile grew and I shrugged. “Well we have all night together.” I took off my shoes and reached into my bag to pull out a DVD. “Kaitlyn, do you like The Little Mermaid?”

Her head lifted and I could see some excitement flicker through her eyes as she gave a small nod.

“That’s one of your favorites,” Justin said. “Do you want to watch it?”

She nodded again and he leaned down to set her on her feet. I handed the movie to her and she ran off towards the den.

“The Little Mermaid, huh?” Justin asked once we were alone. “What are you doing with The Little Mermaid?”

“It’s my favorite Disney movie. Don’t even try and make fun of me cause I’ve seen your copy of Charlotte’s Web.”

“That’s different.”

I raised an eyebrow. “How?”

He didn’t respond-probably because he had no good response-and instead grabbed my hand and pulled me over to him and then leaned down to kiss me. What a wuss, taking the easy way out.

“Thanks for coming over,” he said when he pulled back. “Cause I’m sure you didn’t want to spend your Saturday night babysitting.”

“It’s better than sitting at home alone watching the Food Network,” I said. “Because that’s where my night was heading before you called.”

“Well glad I could be of service.” He looked down the hall at the sound of Kaitlyn calling his name. “She’s impatient.”

“She must take after you then,” I quipped.

“Hey now…”

I jumped away from him when he tried to tickle me and took off down the hall, laughing. He caught up to me a few seconds later and grabbed me around the waist, spinning me around.

“I’m not impatient.”

“Of course not,” I replied, going up on my toes to kiss him quickly. “Who would ever have called you impatient?”

Rolling his eyes, he grabbed my hand and pulled me down the hall. As soon as we entered the den where Kaitlyn was, his hand slid from mine. Guess we’re hiding it from the three year old too.

Kaitlyn warmed up to me pretty quick while we made some popcorn and then joined Justin to watch the movie. She was really a sweet girl. When Justin had called me to see if I wanted to help him babysit her while her parents were out of town for the night, I had jumped at the chance. I absolutely love kids.

Kaitlyn sat on his lap the whole movie and I sat beside him. I kept wanting to curl up to him like I normally do but I refrained. Instead, I just let myself be content with his arm resting on the back of the couch behind me and his fingers playing with my hair.

It was close to eight thirty when the movie ended and as soon as the credits were rolling, Justin clapped his hands together.

“Time for bed, Kaitlyn.”

“Can we watch it again?”

“Nope. Maybe tomorrow. But it’s past your bedtime.”

She climbed off his lap and went over to where a pile of her toys were in the corner of the room. Plunking down ground, she began to play with him.

“Kaitlyn, come on.”

“No.”

A smile twitched on my lips. This kid was just as bullheaded as Justin. This should be interesting.

“Your bedtime is eight and it’s eight thirty,” he said, standing. “You can play tomorrow. Come on.”

She moved away when he reached out to pick her up and giggled as she dodged him for a second time. I raised my hand to cover my smile. I would have laughed out loud at the sight of Justin chasing after a three year old if it wasn’t so obvious how frustrated he was getting. It really was a funny scene.

He finally got a hold of her and almost as soon as he picked her up, her laughter turned to tears.

“Don’t wanna go to bed!”

“I don’t think your parents would be very happy if they saw how you’re behaving,” he said as he tried to keep a grip on the struggling girl in his arms. “Stop it.”

I cringed as the beginning of a full fledged temper tantrum erupted out of her. He ignored her and started towards the doorway. I got up and followed behind them to the stairs. She was still straining against him and kicking her feet and he was going a pretty good job of ignoring it until the heel of her foot connected with the wall with a bang.

My eyes widened a bit when she did it and when an obvious dent appeared on the wall. Justin stopped and his eyes looked like they were going to pop out of his head.

“Kaitlyn!” he boomed and she froze for a second before her crying resumed.

I opened my mouth to say something but before any words could exit, he was already marching up the stairs and then a moment later a door closed and Kaitlyn was muffled.

Shaking my head slightly, I wandered back to the den. What had happened to the sweet, little girl?

I was laying on the couch and flipping through TV channels when Justin appeared five minutes later. Sitting up, I turned off the TV and watched him come over. He collapsed in the corner of the couch and dropped his head back.

“I am never having kids.”

I smiled and moved over to him. He lifted his head to look at me and I motioned for him to move forward a bit so I could slide in behind him. A sigh escaped him when I began to massage his shoulders.

“She’s in bed?”

“Yeah. Shit, I don’t even know what that was. I’ve never seen her like that before.”

“She’s three. That’s what three year olds do.”

“Did you see my wall.”

“Yeah.” I leaned forward and kissed his head. “I thought you handled it good.”

He snorted. “She freaking outran me in here.”

I felt laughter rising up in me as the image of him chasing Kaitlyn came to mind. Trying to keep it inside, I pressed my face into his shoulder.

“Don’t laugh,” he grumbled.

I pulled my face back and a giggle escaped me. “I’m sorry but it was funny. You looked so funny trying to catch her.”

“I felt damn stupid. She’s like a quarter of my size.”

I began to work my hands over his back again. “Well at least she’s in bed now.”

“Yeah. Now I can have you all to myself.”

I giggled as he moved on the couch and pulled me from behind him. Somehow it’s like when I’m with him and he starts kissing me, everything around me completely fades and I’m not aware of anything but of his lips on mine. I don’t even know how he maneuvered us but suddenly I found myself laying on the couch with his weight on top of me, pressing me down into the cushion.

When he kisses me, it’s like a mixture of butterflies and fire running through me. And I can’t get enough of it either. I’ve never been addicted to a drug before but I could imagine that this rush and craving for more must be somehow similar to what an addict must feel. Deep inside, I know that’s probably not the best thing to feel dependence like this. But damn…right now it sure feels right.

When he pulled his mouth away from mine, I was waiting for one of his awkward comments that was sure to ruin the moment but he said absolutely nothing and instead moved his mouth from mine to my neck. I sighed and closed my eyes as he began to bite and suck on the skin.

“How exactly are we supposed to hide our relationship if you continue to give me hickeys,” I asked after a minute, my voice cracking. What, am I suddenly going through puberty?

“Wear your hair down,” he mumbled.

“I hate wearing my hair down at work.”

“I could always stop,” he said, beginning to pull back. Before he could get too far, I pulled him back to me.

“No, no. I’ll think up something.” My eyes closed again when his lips resumed contact with my neck. “I’ll say I got into a fight with a vacuum cleaner.”

He laughed and pulled back again, lifting his head so he was looking at me. “You know, maybe you wouldn’t be such a bad liar if you had more believable lies.”

I hit him on the back. “Shut up. I’m just kidding .I’m not going to go up to someone and be all ‘This vacuum cleaner attacked me’,” I said, mimicking his voice when I said it.

“You’re so sexy when you talk like that,” he teased. “Keep doing it and I might have to ravish you again.

I pretended to look surprised. “Again? Let me know next time you’re doing it cause apparently I’m not aware of it.” The last few words came out in a shriek as he gave a growl and began to tickle me.

I love how we can go from making out to joking around in a matter of seconds. It keeps everything interesting. Not that I’d ever be bored with making out with him but this is just really nice. I can honestly say I’ve never had a relationship quite like this before.

“Okay, truce!” I got out in a gasp. “I’m gonna throw up.”

His fingers withdrew immediately. “Ew. Don’t get it on the couch.”

“I should just to teach you a lesson.”

He moved his hands back to my stomach but instead of tickling me, he just pushed up my shirt a few inches and rubbed his thumbs over my skin. “You wouldn’t do something like that.”

I swatted his hands away. “I know. I’m too nice.”

He propped his elbows on either side of my head and stared down at me. A smile curved my lips.

“What?”

He smiled. “You’re so cute.”

I couldn’t keep my smile from growing. I love it when he just randomly compliments me. “I know. I’m completely adorable.”

He laughed and sat up, pulling me with him until we were both sitting, me across his lap. My eyes landed on the coffee table.

“Hey, my CSI.”

He leaned forward and grabbed the DVD case. “Yeah, I found this under my pillow. I have no idea how it got there,” he said dryly.

“What a mystery,” I replied solemnly. “Well since it’s here, why don’t we watch an episode?”

He scoffed. “You wish, Chief.”

I took it from him. “Oh come on. Just one episode.”

“No.”

“You’re as stubborn as Kaitlyn.”

“So?”

Sighing, I dropped the DVD’s on the couch beside him. “Fine. Will you go get me a drink?”

“What do you want?”

“Ice tea, please.” I moved off his lap so he could get up and as soon as he left the room, I quickly got up and switched the Little Mermaid with a CSI DVD and pressed play. I was back to sitting nonchalantly when Justin appeared with two glasses of ice tea.

“Thank you,” I said when he handed me my glass.

“My pleasure.”

“Do you want to watch some TV?”

“Sure.”

I adjusted myself on the couch so I was leaned back against him and so that in order for him to get up, I’d have to move. Cooking dinner for Lola for a week was definitely not appealing and I only had three weeks left to win the bet. If I had to hold him down, I would. He is going to watch this show.

“Is there anything on?” he asked as I picked up the remote. The guy doesn’t suspect anything.

“Well…I’m not sure. But…” I trailed off when I turned on the TV and Grisham appeared on the screen.

“No! No way, Emily!”

I laughed as he struggled behind me and I grabbed his hands. “Come on! Why won’t you give it a chance?”

“I’m not watching,” he stated, closing his eyes tightly.

I groaned. “You’re such a jerk. Come on.”

“No.”

“Can’t you hear Grisham? He’s saying, ‘Justin, watch me. You’ll love me if you just give me a chance. It’ll be better than any sexual experience you’ve ever had’.”

He opened his eyes and raised an eyebrow. “If this show is better than any sexual experience you’ve ever had-”

“Shut up. That’s not what I meant.”

“-Then me and you are going to have a gooood time,” he finished with a laugh and a cocky smirk.

I ignored the suggestive look he was giving me. There are more pressing matters on hand. Namely, Justin watching CSI.

“Well how about you watch an episode and then you can prove to me that it’s not the best thing ever,” I suggested.

He laughed again and leaned forward to kiss me. “You’re such a tease,” he mumbled against my lips, “but I’m still not going to watch this.”

Somehow he weaseled the remote out of my hand and suddenly CSI disappeared.

“I hate you,” I said, folding my arms across my chest.

He smiled and rolled his eyes. “No you don’t. You think I’m the best thing ever.”

I opened my mouth with the intent to take him down a notch or two when the sound of the doorbell echoed through the house and stopped me. Justin groaned.

“Wanna get it?”

I shook my head and leaned back in the couch. “It’s your house, dude.”

He groaned again as he stood. Justin’s such a drama queen when he has to do something he doesn’t want to. Like he’s really so hard done by to get up and answer the door. Give me a break.

When he left the room, I stretched back out on the couch and turned the TV back on. He’s going to have to work harder than that to avoid my show.

I don’t know who exactly I expected to be at the door, but it was exactly who I didn’t want it to be. When I heard two male voices coming towards the room, I lifted my head and looked towards the door. And when Ben appeared alongside Justin, I shot up to a sitting position on the couch. What the hell.

“Oh, hi.” I tried to keep the utter surprise out of my voice but I think it shone through. “What are you doing here?”

“I was bored,” he shrugged.

“I was telling him how we were babysitting,” Justin said as he stepped into the room.

“Oh.”

Justin sat down on the chair furthest away from the couch and me and didn’t make eye contact with me. As if a look could give us away. Actually, for us, it probably could.

I pulled my hair around my neck as Ben dropped into a chair between Justin and I. This was so far beyond awkward. It was stiff. And uneasy. And gauche. And…and maybe if I knew more synonyms for awkward then I could accurately describe this situation. For now, we’ll stick to complete and total awkwardness.

“So…” Justin finally said, probably just to break the silence.

“So,” I echoed.

“Since when do you watch CSI, Justin?” Ben asked, finally taking notice of what was playing on the TV.

“I don’t. Turn that off, Emily.”

At this point I wasn’t going to put the effort into trying to keep it on. With a sigh, I picked up the remote and shut the TV off and the room was filled with silence.

Justin somehow managed to start having a somewhat normal conversation with Ben and I sat back and half listened, my previous good mood now dampened. I had thought I was going to get to spend all night with Justin but now that didn’t seem too likely.

I was mentally going over my grocery shopping list when Justin and Ben’s conversation was interrupted by Kaitlyn’s small voice calling Justin from the doorway. We all looked over and saw her standing there, clutching a stuffed dog to her chest.

“What’s wrong?” Justin asked, getting up.

“Can’t sleep.”

He leaned down and picked her up. “How about I tuck you in again and I’ll stay until you fall asleep, okay?”

She nodded and he threw me a slightly apologetic look before leaving the room.

Great. Now it’s just Ben and me. We’re on much better terms now but it’s not like we’re best of friends or anything. I’ve hardly seen him at all for the past month.

“So how’s work going?” he finally asked after a painful minute long silence.

“Really good.”

“I hear you got a pretty good raise.”

“Yeah.”

“That’s cool.”

I smiled a bit. “Yeah. It’s making life a lot easier.”

It was quiet again and I began to pick at my fingernails. I silently said a prayer that Kaitlyn would fall asleep quickly so Justin would be back.

“Did you hear that Megan and Josh are getting married?”

I raised my head to look at him. “Really?”

“Yeah. They got engaged last week.”

Megan is Ben’s cousin and I always got along really good with her but I haven’t talked to her since Ben and I broke up. It’s so weird because it’s like I was so involved in so many parts of his life and now that we’re not dating, I’m missing out on all those things.

“That’s really great. I’ll have to call and congratulate her.”

“When I talked to her she said she wanted to invite you to the wedding. I didn’t know if that would be awkward but the invitations there.”

“No, I’d love to go. It’s been so long since I’ve seen them. Do they have a date set yet?”

“I thinks he was saying June or something.”

“That’s like two months away.”

“Yeah. They wanted to soon cause Josh’s company transferred him to San Diego for August and they wanted to have it while they’re still here.”

“Is she going to be able to plan it in time?”

He laughed. “Megan’s had her wedding planned since she was eight. She’ll be fine.”

“Oh yeah. I remember that binder of all her wedding plans she has. The first time I met her she showed that to me.”

“That binder is way too intense. I don’t know how she didn’t scare off Josh with that thing.”

“Must be true love.”

“Sorry guys,” Justin said, suddenly appearing back in the room.

“Is she asleep?” I asked.

“Yeah, she went out pretty quick. I think she just had trouble cause it’s a different bed.” He sat back down in his chair. “Toss the remote over here, Em.”

I threw him the remote and then leaned my head against the back of the couch. I didn’t come over here to watch TV with the two of them. I came over to spend time with Justin and clearly that’s not going to happen. After realizing that, I only sat there for a few more minutes before lifting my head and getting up.

Justin’s eyes turned to me when I stood. “Are you going?”

“Yeah. I’m kind of tired.”

He started to get up. “I’ll walk you out.”

“You don’t have to,” I said, stopping him. Justin hardly ever walks anyone to the door when they leave and Ben will wonder what’s going on if Justin comes with me.

“Kay, well, thanks for helping me with Kaitlyn.”

“No problem.” I moved to the doorway. “See you guys later.”

“Bye,” both Ben and Justin called after me.

A sigh escaped me as I walked to the front door. Keeping our relationship a secret really, really sucks. I’m really hoping that as time goes on Justin will be chilling out on letting people know about us. How long does he think this can go on for?”

“Em!”

I turned around on the driveway and saw Justin coming out of the house. He closed the door behind him and then jogged towards me.

“You forgot your CSI,” he said when he reached me.

I took the DVDs from him and dropped them in my purse. I wasn’t in the mood anymore to try and get him to watch them. “Thanks.”

“Are you sure you have to go?”

I sighed again. “We’re just sitting there watching TV. I didn’t come over to watch TV with you and Ben.”

“I know. I’m sorry he just showed up. Usually he calls.”

I nodded but said nothing as I folded my arms over my chest.

“I couldn’t just not let him in.”

“I know,” I mumbled.

He came closer to me and ran his hands over my upper arms. My annoyance slowly melted as he leaned down and kissed the top of my head.

“I’m sorry.”

I looked up at him. “It’s not your fault.”

“Are you free tomorrow? We can do something.”

“I have that photoshoot all day.”

“Oh. Maybe Monday.”

“Maybe.”

“I’ll give you a call, okay?”

I nodded and he leaned down and kissed me briefly before straightening.

“I should go back before Ben wonders where I am.”

I nodded again and fished my keys out of my purse as he ran back to the house. It’s like when I’m not with him, I feel like hiding this is the worst idea in the world. But all I need is a kiss or a hug and nothing else even matters anymore. But I’m still going to have to have a talk with him about telling people. This is getting a little exhausting.

“So everyone at work officially thinks I’m a slut.”

A laugh escaped me as I leaned back against the pillows on my bed. “And why’s that?”

“Because I was hot and pulled my hair up and everyone saw that stupid hickey on my neck.”

I laughed again. “I told you to wear your hair down.”

Emily huffed into the phone. “I was but it was like a hundred degrees in the room and my neck was getting all sweaty. And then everyone asked about it.”

“What’d you say?”

“That I made out with some guy at a club. So now they all think I’m a ho.”

“Why didn’t you just say you like burnt your neck on your curling iron or something?”

“Because I’m not quick enough to think that up. And a burn mark looks different than a hickey, fyi.”

“Well it’s just your coworkers. Who cares what they think.”

“No more hickeys,” she stated in response. “I’m putting my foot down.”

I laughed. I’m predicting this will last one day, tops. “Whatever you say, Chief.”

“Don’t laugh. I’m serious.”

“I’d never laugh at you.”

“Whatever.”

I shifted on my bed so I was laying and stared up at the ceiling. “So I have a question for you.”

“And I have an answer for you.”

I smiled. “I was wondering if you’d let me take you out for dinner tomorrow night.”

“Really?”

Her excitement was hardly masked and it caused my smile to grow. I could tell over the past couple weeks that she’s been itching to go on a ‘real’ date. Because we’ve been hiding this and because, well, because I’m on the paranoid side that someone will find out, whenever we do anything, it’s always at my house or her apartment. And while it’s great to just be alone, it’s getting a little tedious and it’s been getting pretty obvious to me that Emily’s been waiting for me to suggest we do something outside our houses.

“Sure. Are you busy tomorrow night?”

“No. Where are we going?”

“Paris 21.”

Her squeal caused me to pull the phone away from my ear. Holy shit.

“I love that place!”

“I know. So it’s a date?”

“Yes! What time?”

“I made reservations for seven.”

“Sounds absolutely amazing. What are you going to wear?”

My eyebrows drew together. “I don’t know. Why?”

“Because I want my outfit to compliment yours. I don’t want to clash.”

I began to laugh. “You realize that we’re not going to prom, right?”

“Hey, shut up. I’m allowed to be excited for our first official date.”

“Well I have no idea what I’m wearing but I’ll make it neutral so we don’t clash, alright?”

“Perfect.”

There were voices in the background and I waited as Emily answered the person.

“I’ve got to get back to work.”

“Okay. If I don’t talk to you before tomorrow, I’ll come by around six thirty.”

“Sounds good.”

“Talk to you later.”

“Bye.”

* * *

Promptly at six thirty the next night, I rang the buzzer for Emily’s apartment and was let up before I could even say it was me. Knowing Emily, she had probably been ready for an hour and was sitting by the door waiting for me to get there. She’s like that when she gets excited about something.

I had this smart comment about how overeager she was on the tip of my tongue, just waiting to come out, but as soon as the door opened to her apartment and I saw her, the comment was lost.

Emily’s a really beautiful girl and even in pajamas she can look great. But all dressed up, she’s breathtaking. And I actually mean breathtaking. No air entered or exited my lungs for a good thirty seconds when I saw her and I all I could do was smile. She had on this knee length pale pink halter dress and her hair was in loose waves around her shoulders and down her back. And I don’t know shit about makeup but whatever she had on was accentuating every single one of her features. I am so freaking lucky.

“You look great,” I said when I finally sucked in a breath.

The smile that had been on her face ever since she opened the door widened. “Thank you. You look good too.”

A bit of cockiness slipped into my smile. I knew Emily had a thing for the preppy/dressy look so I went with that.

“Don’t get a bigger head than you already have,” she said, elbowing me in the side as I entered the apartment.

I smirked. “An insult already? Gee, this is going to be a great night.”

She laughed. “Wait here. I have to grab my purse.”

I watched her go to her room and then turned to the mirror hanging on their wall and checked my appearance. After adjusting the knot in my tie and straightening the sweater I had on over top, I turned away. No need for Emily to catch me staring at myself in the mirror and decide I’m completely conceited.

“I’m ready,” Emily announced when she appeared again.

“Great.”

“Hold on, hold on!”

I turned as Lola suddenly came into the hallway.

“Let me get a picture.”

Emily groaned as Lola pulled out a camera. “Lola…”

“Oh stop and pose. It’s just a picture.”

I slipped my arm around Emily’s waist and pulled her to my side. “Only one, Lo.”

“Uh huh.” She raised the camera to her eye. “Come on, show me some teeth, Justin. Look at that sexy mama on your arm.”

I laughed and my smile became 100% genuine as Lola snapped a picture.

“Now you kids have fun and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

“So we can basically do anything.”

I laughed at Emily’s words and Lola rolled her eyes.

“You two just get out of here.”

“Bye, Lo,” I called over my shoulder as we left.

“I swear she’s like my mom,” Emily said.

“You’ll be happy when you have the picture and remember this momentous night.”

“So it’s going to be momentous.”

“Of course. How could it not be?”

She slid her arm around my side and leaned her head on my shoulder as we waited for the elevator. I turned and kissed the top of her head.

“You really look beautiful. That’s a really nice dress.”

She turned her face up to me and smiled. “Thank you.”

I leaned my head down and kissed her lips, which is what I had really wanted to do since I saw her. When the elevator dinged, I pulled back and licked my lips, the faint taste of her strawberry lip gloss entering my mouth.

I pulled her into the elevator and leaned down to kiss her again as the doors closed. She giggled against my lips and I pulled back.

“What?”

She raised her hand to my face and her thumb wiped at the corner of my mouth. “You’re a bit insatiable tonight.”

“How could I not be? My girlfriend’s a knockout.”

Her smile widened and she raised on her toes to kiss me quickly. “You’re just full of compliments tonight.”

I licked my lips again and pressed the button for the lobby. “All truth.”

She grabbed my hand, wrapping her fingers around mine. “I’m so excited for the restaurant. I’ve barely eaten all day.”

“Meaning you’re going to eat a ton tonight and make me go broke.”

She rolled her eyes and hit my arm lightly. “Shut up.”

“Hey, I find your ability to consume massive amounts of food endearing.”

“Yeah right.”

I grinned as the elevator doors opened and we stepped into the lobby. I kept her hand in mine as we walked outside and to my car, ignoring the thought that there was the slight possibility someone, somewhere, might see us. See? The paranoia’s getting a little better.

Absolutely everything at the restaurant was perfect. I had requested a table in the back and we were seated in a slightly secluded corner away from everyone. The food was perfect and I knew Emily was having an amazing time. The smile had never left her lips and her face had been slightly flushed the whole time, which always happens when she’s excited.

I was definitely giving myself props for taking her out on this date. I was going to be in her good books for a long time.

It’s always when you think nothing could go wrong that something always does. I mentioned getting dessert and Emily’s face had lit up and my eyes had begun to wander around the restaurant while she looked at the dessert menu. I guess I had had my eyes on Emily the whole time because I had definitely missed Rob Crawford walk into the restaurant and be seated a few tables away from us.

Rob freaking Crawford. Ben’s best friend.

Shit.

Shit! If he sees us, he’ll tell Ben. We’re obviously on a date and this is obviously more than a friends situation. He’s going to see us and tell Ben and that’s going to be it.

Emily’s saying something about cheesecake but I can’t even concentrate on her at this point. My paranoia’s back full force and I feel like I’m going to start hyperventilating.

Our waiter appears to take our dessert order but before he can say anything, I’m fumbling with my wallet and pulling out a credit card, giving it to him, and telling him to ring through the bill.

Emily’s eyebrows were drawn together and she stared at me as the waiter departed. “I thought we were getting dessert.”

“Rob Crawford’s over there.”

She turned her head and craned her neck. “Where?”

“Don’t look!” I whispered. “He’ll see you.”

“So what?”

“If he sees us, he’ll know there’s something going on and he’ll tell Ben.”

She opened her mouth but before she could say anything, the waiter reappeared with the bill. I took it from him and did some quick math in my head to figure out the tip.

“So we’re just going then?”

I was freaking out so bad at that point that I couldn’t even add. What the hell is eight plus seven?

“He’s not going to see us back here, Justin. We don’t have to leave. Can’t we just get dessert and forget about him?”

I scribbled out my signature and stuck my credit card back in my wallet. “We can’t walk by his table together or he’ll see us. I’m gonna leave first. Wait a minute and then follow, okay?” I didn’t wait for a response and pushed back my chair and got up. Keeping my head down, I walked as fast as I could through the restaurant without drawing any attention to myself, my heart pounding the whole way. This was way more stress than I’m used to.

I made it to my car safely and I let out a large breath of air that I had been holding and slowly lowered my head to rest on the steering wheel. That had been a close call.

I had just steadied my breathing when the passenger side door opened and the car shifted a bit as Emily got in. I opened my eyes but didn’t raise my head.

“Did he see you?”

“No.”

I breathed a sigh of relief and lifted my head. Home free. “Why don’t we go grab dessert somewhere else? There’s this place at-”

“Take me home.”

I looked over at her. Her entire body was facing towards the window and her hands were clenched in her lap. “What? But I thought you wanted-”

Her head whipped towards me and I flinched at the fire practically spitting from her eyes. “Take me home,” she bit out.

I simply stared at her and she turned back to the window. After a minute of silence, I started the engine.

She was really mad. She looked like she was ready to punch me in the face. I didn’t think it would matter too much to leave without dessert. It was just dessert, wasn’t it?

Not a single word was spoken for the entire ride back to her apartment. I knew better than to mess with her when she was mad like this.

But when we actually got to her apartment, I had to say something.

“Em, I just-”

“Don’t.”

I sighed as she unbuckled her seatbelt. “I just-”

She narrowed her eyes. “Really. Don’t.”

I reached to undo my seatbelt as well. “I don’t want-”

“Stop it! I don’t want to hear it!” She opened her door. “And don’t think for a minute you’re coming inside with me.”

My jaw dropped as I stared at her. “But-”

The door slammed behind her and cut me off. I watched her retreating form as she stalked towards the building. When she disappeared from sigh, a breath of air escaped me. I wanted to go in after her but she was really, really mad.

Putting the car into reverse, I backed out of my spot and left. I drove for about ten minutes before pulling out my phone and calling Trace.

“Hey.”

“Hi.”

“What’s up? Thought you were out with Emily.”

“I am. Well I was. I just dropped her off.”

He laughed. “Whoa, party animal. It’s like nine.”

“This wasn’t exactly planned. She made me take her home cause she’s pissed at me.”

“Why?”

I proceeded to tell him the entire story. And it was as if actually verbalizing it made everything clear. Shit. Of course she’s pissed off at me.

“Man are you ever in the doghouse.”

“I know,” I mumbled.

“Are you still outside her apartment?”

“No. I’m almost home.”

“What the hell for? Why’d you leave?”

“She basically told me to.”

“Oh come on. When a girl tells you to leave them alone they don’t actually mean it.”

“I think if I go over there she’s going to kick my ass.”

Trace let out a snort of laughter. “Don’t be such a pussy. It’s just Emily. She’s tiny. She’s gonna hate you even more if you don’t go back over there.”

I considered that. Maybe he’s right. Trace usually seems to have a better grip on his love life than I do. It probably wouldn’t hurt to listen to him.

So that’s how I found myself back at Emily’s fifteen minutes later. My first challenge of getting her to buzz me up was solved when someone held the door open for me on their way out and I took the stairs two at a time up to her floor.

I waited almost a full minute between knocking and the door inching open. Instead of Emily’s angry face, which I was fully expecting, I was met with Lola’s angry face. One look at her told me that Emily had told her everything and Lola definitely wasn’t on Team Justin.

“She told you not to come up,” Lola stated in an emotionless voice.

“I know. Can I come in?”

Lola had the door tight around her so I couldn’t see past her into the apartment. “What part of your brain could have possibly thought coming over here would be a good idea?”

The Trace influenced part. I knew there was a reason I never take advise from him. “Is she really mad?”

“Do you THINK she’s happy?”

Wow. I had never gotten so much attitude from Lola before. Emily must have really bashed me. “Look, it’s great that you’re being all loyal and protecting her but I need to talk to her, alright? Are we really going to just stand here and argue about what an ass I am?”

I knew my words were either going to get a door slammed in my face or access granted and I mentally gave myself a pat on the back when Lola opened the door further

“Thank you,” I mumbled and then moved past her into their apartment. I quickly concluded that Emily was in her room and went to her closed door. After saying a silent prayer that when I left this room, I’d have all my bones intact, I eased the door open.

When Emily gets really, really mad or upset, she either gets fired up or shuts down. And when I saw her curled up in a bawl in her pajamas on the middle of her bed, I knew that I wouldn’t have to worry about a screaming match.

I quietly closed the door behind me with a soft click and moved towards the bed. All the covers had been kicked off the end of it and she didn’t’ open her eyes or move an inch as I neared. I got as far as to lay down behind her and slip an arm around her waist before I got my hands slapped away.

“I told you not to come up.”

I started to run my fingers through her hair but then she jerked her head away. “I couldn’t just leave when you were so mad at me.”

She sniffed once but didn’t say anything.

“I’m sorry, Em. Really I am. I get it, okay?”

Still no words but by her movement I knew she had started to cry. I felt a lump growing in my throat.

“Em, I’m so sorry. You deserve so much better than this. You shouldn’t have had to be hauled away from a date like that. I’m sorry.”

She still wasn’t talking and I bit the inside of my cheek. I hate that I have the ability to make her this upset. She does not deserve to have to deal with this.

“Please let me know that you’re hearing this,” I finally whispered, not being able to deal with the silence anymore.

She sniffed and then managed to choke out, “I hate this.”

I closed my eyes and rested my forehead on her back. “I know. I do too. And I swear I’m going to figure out a way to make this better. I know I can’t keep putting you through this. I’m gonna figure something out. I promise.”

I couldn’t handle just staring at the back of her head anymore and I reached out a hand. When she didn’t flinch away from me touching her arm, I took that as a hint and managed to get her to move so she was facing me. Waves of guilt washed over me when I saw the miserable look on her face. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her up against me.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I know you were so excited about tonight and it totally got ruined. I’ll make it up to you. I swear.”

I could feel her draw in a shaky breath against me. “I hate this.”

“I know.” I pulled back a bit so I could see her face and brushed my knuckles over her wet cheek. “I know.”

“And I want to be selfish and say that if you don’t tell Ben than we can’t do this anymore. But I get why you can’t tell him. But I hate this.”

I leaned my head forward and rested my forehead against hers. I closed my eyes. “I know.”

“Whenever I’m with you it just doesn’t mater. But then when I’m by myself I can’t stand doing this.”

I opened my eyes to look at her and all I could see were her blue eyes, bright with tears. I didn’t know what to say to her words so I stayed quiet.

She didn’t blink for a long time and when she did, her eyes stayed closed. I kissed the tip of her nose and she sighed.

“I promise I’m going to figure out how to make this work,” I said softly. “Just give me some more time, okay?”

It took her a minute but eventually she nodded. I pulled my head away from hers and placed a light kiss on her forehead.

“I wish I could do tonight over for you.”

She opened her eyes and stared at me. “Me too.”

“I’m gonna make it up to you. I promise.”

She nodded and bit her bottom lip.

I almost didn’t ask my next question because I didn’t know if I was in her good books again. “Can I stay here tonight?”

Her eyes examined mine. “To sleep here?”

“Yeah. I just want to spend tonight with you. Even if we’re just sleeping.”

She stared at me for a minute longer before nodding again. “Okay.”

I smiled. Seems like I’m on my way out of the doghouse.

“Who was that?”

I looked up at Lola as I placed the phone on the counter. “My mom.”

She leaned against the counter. “Oh yeah. I meant to tell you she called while you were out last night. She sounded a bit sick.”

“She said she has a really bad cold she can’t get rid of.”

“Is she going to go to the doctor?”

“She said if it doesn’t get better by next week she will.” I cracked an egg on the side of the mixing bowl. “She hates the doctor though.”

“Don’t we all.” Lola glanced around the kitchen. “What are you making?”

“Pancakes.”

“Justin’s still here?”

“Yeah.”

She narrowed her eyes at me. “Tell me you didn’t let him off the hook that easy.”

I avoided her eyes. “He apologized.”

She raised her eyebrows. “Apologized enough? You were really upset last night.”

It was true. I was so mad yesterday. From the moment Justin left me in the restaurant, I was fighting off tears. I didn’t let one fall until I was walking towards my apartment building and my back was to him. And by time I was in the apartment I was full out crying. I had told Lola everything and she was immediately mad and swore not to let him in the apartment. I have no idea how he managed to sweet talk his way past her considering how pissed she was at him.

“He said he was sorry and that he was going to figure something out something out so we wouldn’t have to hide this anymore.”

“Did he grovel?”

I rolled my eyes and grabbed the whisk sitting on the counter. “He’s genuinely sorry and that’s all I needed. Do you want some pancakes?” I asked, simply wanted to change the subject. Lola’s really protective of all her friends and while I usually find it endearing, sometimes she needs to back off a bit.

“And what if it happens again?”

“It won’t.”

“How do you know?”

“I just do. He’s not going to do it again. He wouldn’t.” I glanced up at Lola. “Just give him a break, okay?”

She sighed. “Fine. I just hate that he made you that upset.”

“I think he does too.” I poured some batter into the frying pan and watched as it spread out to form circles. “Do you want pancakes?” I tried again.

“No. I have to leave for work. Don’t you work today?”

“I don’t have to be there until eleven.” It was quiet and I heard the sound of my bedroom door opening and then the bathroom door closing. I saw Lola’s eyes move to the doorway.

“Be nice to him,” I warned.

Another sigh escaped her. “I will.” She went to the fridge and pulled some food from it for her lunch. “He just better stay on his best behavior.”

I flipped the pancakes. “I’m sure he will.” I heard the bathroom door open and I looked up to the doorway. A second later he appeared, still in sweatpants and a t shirt. When I told him he could stay over last night he had gotten up and pulled out the clothes from the bottom drawer of my dresser and given me some line that he had accidentally left them here a long time ago. Knowing him though, he probably brought them over one day so he wouldn’t have a reason not to stay over some night.

“Good morning,” he said and I smiled at him.

“Good morning.”

“Good morning, Lola.”

I watched her look up at him. “Morning.”

He smiled a bit. “Are you still mad at me, Lo?”

“I’m over it. But you bringing me a latte next time you come over here sure would be nice.”

He laughed. “You got it.”

“I gotta get to work. See you guys later.”

“Bye,” Justin and I both said and I flipped the pancakes again.

“Can you grab some plates?” I asked him.

“Are those for me?”

“Some of them.” I looked over at him. “Did you sleep okay?”

“Great. How about you?”

“Good.”

“I didn’t hear you get up. I must have been really out of it.”

“You were. You were snoring.”

He rolled his eyes and held out two plates to me. “I don’t snore.”

I laughed a bit. “Sure you don’t.” I put two pancakes on each plate and he took them over to the table. I’m really not that much of a breakfast person but when I woke up this morning and saw him sleeping beside me it threw this weird domestic mood over me. Homemade pancakes just seemed right.

“So you know how last night I was saying how I was planning on going to Ohio for the long weekend?” I asked as I put some maple syrup on the table and then sat down across from him.

“Yeah.”

“My mom called this morning and she and my dad already bought me a plane ticket as an early birthday present.”

“Really? That’s cool. How many days will you be gone?”

“Five.” I laughed at his sigh. “It’s not even a week.”

“Still,” he said and then stuffed a large piece of pancake in his mouth.

I laughed again and shook my head. He’ll make this big deal about it now but then he won’t even notice when I’m not here cause he’ll go out every night while I’m gone.

“Speaking of your birthday, what do you want to do for it?”

“I don’t know. It’s still like three weeks away.”

“I know. But if you want some big party, you should tell me now.”

It’s tradition that Justin plans my birthday parties. I’m in charge of planning Becca’s, Becca plans Trace’s, and Trace plans Justin’s. I personally think I got the best end of the deal cause Justin always goes all out for my birthday. My party always blows everyone else’s out of the water.

“Surprise me.”

“I’ve got total free reign to do whatever I want?”

I shrugged. “Sure. As long as it’s not boring.”

“Come on now, Chief. When are things ever boring when I’m around.”

I smiled a bit. “Very true.”

I kept watching him as he ate, my own neglected pancakes drowning in a pool of syrup. Lola was totally wrong. Nothing like last night was ever going to happen again.

* * *

Usually being a perfectionist works pretty well for me. I try and make everything I do as close to perfection as possible and it’s great. But then sometimes, like today, it’s a big pain in the ass.

Luckily Craig, the producer I’m working with, is putting up with me being neurotic about having this song perfect. He’s so laid back that it perfectly balances out how anal I’m being.

“Do you like this take?” Craig asks me.

“It’s alright.” I said. “Could use some tweaking.”

“Let me fiddle with it.”

I lean back in my chair and crack my knuckles and then pop my neck. I always get so stiff when I’m recording. I let out a deep breath and stretch out my legs in front of me as Craig puts on his headphones and moves some dials on the soundboard in front of us. I was in the process of completely zoning out when I heard the sound of the door opening. My head lolled to the side and a smile spread over my face when I saw Emily standing there.

“What are you doing here?”

She came further into the room. “I remembered you said you were recording here today and I wanted to see you. The receptionist said it was okay to come back.”

I could the unsure questioning tone in her voice and I motioned for her to come over. “Cool. I needed a break.” When she reached me, I grabbed her arm and pulled her down on my lap. She gave me an uncertain look.

“What about…”

I followed her gaze to Craig, who was still engrossed in the music. “He’s cool. He won’t say shit.”

She relaxed against me and her hands joined mine, wrapped around her. “I didn’t interrupt you guys?”

“I needed a break,” I repeated, kissing her cheek and then her jaw bone. I love that she came to see me here. As much as I enjoy recording, it can get exhausting and this is the perfect interruption. “You don’t work today?”

“The photoshoot I was going got moved to next week,” she said. “But guess what.”

“What?”

“You have a photoshoot next week, right?”

“No clue. You’d have to ask Trace.”

“Well, you do. And I know cause some of Avidity’s models are in it and I’m doing makeup for them.”

“Really?”

“Don’t be too excited,” she said sarcastically and I smiled.

“No, that’ll be fine.”

“Hair is fine. This will be great.”

I kissed her cheek again. “Yeah, it will be.”

She turned her head and stared at me and my smile widened.

“Working with a girlfriend has never worked well for me,” I said, answering her silent questions. “My mom always told me you should never mix business with pleasure.”

“Do you always do everything your mom tells you?”

“As much as possible.”

She laughed and turned her head back to face forward. “Well lucky for us it’s only one day we’re working together.”

“True.”

“Stop being annoying. You know you’re excited about working with me.”

I laughed a bit. “It’ll be a complete adventure.”

“It always is.”

I leaned my head against the back of my chair. Now I actually do remember about that photoshoot and if there’s going to be models in it with me…shit, I hope Em’s not the jealous type. I’m trying to remember any times when she was dating Ben and she got jealous over another girl and I can’t remember anything but that doesn’t mean it never happened. Working with her will be great as long as she doesn’t get upset over anything the photographer may have me and the models do. Here’s hoping.

“I think I got it right.”

I looked over at Craig. “Cool. This is Emily. Em, this is Craig.”

“Nice to meet you.”

“You too,” she said.

Craig stretched and pushed back his chair. “I’m gonna go get a coffee. I’ll be back in a bit.”

“Sure.”

“So what are you guys doing?” Emily asked after Craig left. “A song for your new album?”

“Yeah. Want to hear what we’ve got?”

“Yeah.”

I hand her my set of earphones and lean forward a bit and fiddle with the soundboard. As the song plays, I watch her reaction. She’s staring down at the ground as she listens, holding the earphones to her head. She doesn’t move until she’s pulling them from her ears.

“Well?” I asked, the tiniest bit anxious to hear her opinion. She’s my first outside opinion and she’s not one to sugarcoat anything or give false compliments. If she hates it, this could be brutal.

She leaned back and gave me a quick kiss. “Amazing.”

“Really? You’re not just saying that?”

“Like I would lie just to boost your ego.”

I smiled. This was true. “It’s just a rough cut. We still have a lot of work to do.”

“So you’re going to be here for the rest of the day?”

“Probably.” I stretched my arms above my head and cracked my knuckles again before replacing my arms around her stomach. We sat there silently for another minutes before I could no longer ignore the burn in my legs. Emily’s really not that heavy but my legs are scrawny and this is no longer comfortable.

“We gotta move,” I said, pulling my arms away. She stood and I got up after her. My eyes wandered the room and when they settled on the large leather couch by the wall, I grabbed her hand. “Over here.”

I led her over to the couch and laid down, stretching out my body along the length of it and then pulled her down on top of me. She giggled a bit and propped her elbows on either side of my head.

“I think I like this much better.”

I smiled. “Me too.” I wrapped my arms around her back and she laid her head down on my chest. I love laying here with her like this. I could seriously stay here forever. It’s calm and relaxing and just…perfect.

“What are you doing for the rest of the day?” I asked after we had laid there for a few minutes.

“I have to go get some clothes for when I go to Ohio.”

I frowned a bit. I wasn’t looking forward to her being away for five days. And I had the entire weekend off too and now I’m going to be all alone for the whole time. Maybe I’ll convince Trace to take a trip with me to Vegas or something. Not that Trace needs convincing when it comes to Vegas. But I’d still rather have time with Em than go somewhere.

“Stop your pouting.”

My eyes moved down to her head. She still had it on my chest and wasn’t even looking at me. “How do you know I’m pouting?”

She lifted her head to look at me. “Well were you?”

I rolled my eyes. It’s not like I was intentionally pouting.

She laughed and put her head back on my chest. “Don’t get upset just cause I know you so well.”

I smiled a bit and moved one hand to run through her hair. It smells really great. I haven’t figured out yet if it’s her shampoo or something else but her hair always has the faint smell of vanilla. It can be completely intoxicating.

“Have you planned anything for my birthday yet?” she suddenly asked, pulling up her head to look down at me.

My hand slid from her hair and joined my other one on the small of her back. “You said to surprise you so that’s what I’m going to do.”

A small pout formed on her lips but it was must cuter on her than I’m sure mine was on me. “A hint?”

I acted like I would give something up but in reality I wasn’t going to say a word. I like playing with her like that. “Nope.”

She sighed and stared at me for a moment before leaning her head down to brush her lips to mine. “Can I bribe it out of you?” she whispered against my lips.

A smile formed. “Maybe.”

Let’s be honest, there’s no way I was cracking. But I definitely liked where this was heading.

“So you and Justin know each other?”

I pulled my eyes away from the two lipsticks I was mixing to Miriam’s face. “Hmm?”

“You two came together.”

I hadn’t thought it had been that obvious. “We’re friends.”

“That must be an adventure.”

She had no idea how true her words were. “It can be. Hold still for a sec.” I leaned forward and put the lipstick on her and then straightened. “Okay, you’re done.”

“Great. Thanks, Emily.”

I sat down in the chair she had vacated and propped my feet up on the makeup counter. Taking a sip of my coffee, I surveyed the room. You can always tell how big a star is by how much of a production the photoshoot is. For some D lister, you might get a fold out table with some chips or something on it and one half hearted person trying to please everyone. But then you get some big star and everything changes. The set up for Justin’s shoot is ridiculous. Some catering company is here and there’s this massive table of every type of food possible and a separate table just for drinks. The photographer has like four assistants who seem to be running around like chickens with their heads cut off. Not to mention how the three Avidity models are all flipping out because they’re doing a photoshoot with Justin Timberlake.

It’s funny because any of us who actually know Justin know exactly how over the top this all is. Like Trace. He’s currently sitting in the corner and shooting spit balls in my direction Luckily he’s far enough away so that they aren’t reaching me but I swear if one hits me I’m going to pound him into the ground. But he knows what a waste this whole production is. Justin’s most likely not going to touch the food and all these people running around trying to make sure everything’s perfect are just annoying. If people knew how low key he really is than maybe everyone could just chill out.

A spit ball landed dangerously close to me and I glanced in Trace’s direction to see him smirking at me. Little turd. I flipped him off and he pretended to look shocked before beginning to load up his straw again.

“Emily, can you redo my lipstick? I had some water and it smudged.”

I focused my attention off Trace and to Serenity. Yes, Serenity. Justin finding out she would be one of his models today completely made my morning. He had looked like he was going to his own funeral.

“Yeah.” I stood up. “Sit down.”

She gave me a perfect pout to put the lipstick on and I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. She probably sits at home and practices it.

“There. Try not to drink anything else, okay?”

“Sure. Thanks.”

I sat back down again as she pranced off to join Miriam and Natalia. They were all driving me a bit crazy today with how star struck they were being. Serenity usually gets on my nerves so this is nothing new but I normally get along with the other two. But today…if I have to hear them giggle one more time, I think I might lose it.

All the girls’ eyes suddenly move to the door and I look over as well to see Justin coming back into the room in the clothes for the shoot. I smile. He looks amazing in the three piece suit he has on. Kudos to the wardrobe stylist.

He smiles over at me but doesn’t come over and instead heads in Trace’s direction. Which is a good thing because I’ve found that the models at Avidity all have huge mouths and since their eyes are glued on him, they’d catch anything that would go on between us and start saying stuff.

I realized I was staring at Justin and forced myself to look elsewhere. I could look at him all I want later.

I decided to paint my nails while I waited and I had just finished a first coat when the photographer started the shoot. I leaned back in my chair and blew on my nails slightly as I watched it. It only took a few different poses before I started to get annoyed.

I guess I should have been expecting the models to be all over Justin but nothing really prepares you for seeing Natalia with her hands all over him and Miriam looking like she was kissing his neck.

It’s dumb to feel upset because deep down I know that Justin is the very last person who would ever be unfaithful in any type of way but I can’t help feeling a bit insecure. These girls are so pretty and I feel like crap compared to them. Especially today. Nothing I put on this morning looked good so I’m just in a pair of old jeans and a faded t shirt. My hair’s all frizzy because of how humid it is outside so I’m wearing a hat to try and cover it but I know it still looks stupid.

And then there’s these dumb models who pretty much look perfect no matter what with their perfect bodies and perfect hair and perfect skin. And I’m sitting here comparing every part of myself to them and it’s making me feel like complete shit.

Dating a guy who half the female population would drop their pants for isn’t the most reassuring them in the world and I’m wishing at this point I wasn’t here. Why does he even need girls in his photoshoot? What purpose does it serve?

It took actual effort to pull my eyes away from the shoot and I tried to distract myself by putting on more nail polish. But my eyes continued to be drawn back up and my mood progressively worsened.

It was a great moment when the photographer decided to take a break. Not wanting to deal with anyone, I got up and went to the table of food. I knew none of the models would be caught dead there so I’d be safe.

I was busy glaring at a plate of sandwiches when Justin stepped behind me. He didn’t touch me but I could feel him standing directly behind me, just a breath away.

“Jealousy doesn’t look good on you,” he whispered in my ear.

I clenched my teeth and stared harder at the sandwiches. “I’m not jealous,” I mumbled, refusing to turn around.

“If looks could kill you’d have three dead models on your hands.”

I didn’t say anything and squeezed my eyes shut. I was at the point where I was so frustrated that I wanted to either scream or cry and right now tears were prickling my eyes.

“It’s just pictures, Emily.”

“I know that,” I said, surprised at how steady I was able to make my voice. “And I’m not jealous.”

“Whatever, Em.”

I felt him leave and I opened my eyes. I didn’t move until I heard the photographer call everyone over again. I glanced over my shoulder to see Miriam positioning herself in Justin’s lap and that kind of did it for me. The next time I blinked, I felt a tear fall and I knew I had to get out of there. There was a sign pointing to the bathrooms and I quickly walked over to the doorway, keeping my head down.

It was a private bathroom that I found and I locked myself in. I grabbed some toilet paper and caught my tears before they fell down my cheeks. I didn’t want to look like I had been crying and I took a few deep breaths, trying to calm myself down. I hugged my arms around myself and paced the small room just to keep myself occupied.

My head jerked up when there was a knock on the closed door. I stared at it but didn’t say anything. Whoever it is can wait.

Another knock and then, “Emily?”

A shaky sigh exited my mouth. “What?”

“Justin wanted me to come see if you’re okay.”

“I’m fine.”

“Can we not talk through the door?”

I hesitated but finally reached over and unlocked the door but didn’t bother actually opening. A second passed and then the door opened a crack and Trace poked his head in. His eyes landed on me and then he came fully into the bathroom and shut the door behind him.

“So you’re not fine.”

I crossed my arms over my chest again and stared at the soap dispenser. I don’t want to cry again and I think if I have to verbalize what I’m thinking, the tears are going to reappear.

“It’s about the models, right?” he asked and sat down on the closed toilet lid. I looked to the side and stayed silent. “It’s just for the media, Em. It doesn’t mean anything.”

“I know that,” I whispered, finding it easier to keep my voice steady doing that than if I spoke at a normal level. “I know that and I know I’m being stupid but I can’t help it.”

“You’re not being stupid. You’re being human. Anyone would react the same way if they saw people throwing themselves all over their boyfriend or girlfriend or whatever.”

I brushed away a couple tears that escaped and began to pace again. “I knew the photoshoot would be like this though.”

He shrugged. “Knowing is different than seeing.” He tore off some toilet paper and handed it to me. “It sucks to see it, especially for the first time. You can’t help it.”

I nodded slightly and ran the toilet paper under my eyes. I looked in the mirror and a small laugh escaped me, along with a couple more tears. I looked like shit. “As if I couldn’t look any worse,” I mumbled, wiping away some smeared mascara.

“You look fine.”

“I look like shit.”

He got up and came over to me. He pulled the brim of my hat lower over my eyes. “There. No one can tell you’ve been crying.”

I gave him a small smile. I have never appreciated Trace more than this moment. “Thanks.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“How much longer do you think the photoshoot will be?” I asked, throwing the balled up toilet paper in the trash.

“At least another hour.”

I sighed and ran my hands down my arms. “I wish I didn’t have to sit there and watch it.”

“You just need to distract yourself. I have a deck of cards if you want to play something.”

I smiled a bit. He was seriously a godsend. “Okay.”

We left the bathroom together and went back to the photoshoot. Following Trace’s idea, I kept my hat down low on my head and didn’t look in the direction of Justin and the models, afraid I’d get upset again if I saw them.

For the next hour and a half, Trace and I played cards and I managed to push all thoughts of Justin and the models from my mind, which improved my mood slightly.

I was so glad that Trace was there when we left the photoshoot. If Justin’s going to pick a fight or anything, he won’t do it in front of anyone, even Trace. And I knew he wasn’t his normal self because he wasn’t saying anything to either one of us for the entire drive. In fact, none of us did until I saw that he had missed the turn to my apartment and we were now headed in the direction of his house.

“You missed my turn,” I said from the backset. I got no response and some annoyance went through me. I tried again. “Hello? You missed my turn.”

Trace glanced over at Justin and then back at me when there was again no response. I opened my mouth to repeat it again but before I could say anything, Justin’s voice cut me off.

“Just leave it, Emily.”

Rolling my eyes, I turned my body to face the window and crossed my arms over my chest. He obviously wants to go and have some kind of talk when Trace isn’t there and that’s the last thing I want. I don’t want to talk about the photoshoot. I just want to forget about it.

“It you’ve got something you need to say you can just-”

He cut me off again. “Leave it, Emily.”

I let out a large breath of air to let him know what I thought about that and rolled my eyes again. Why does he always have to be so damn stubborn? I don’t want to talk about the photoshoot.

Nothing else was said for the ten minutes it took to get to his house. When we arrived, Trace got out quickly, obviously not wanting to be involved in all.

“We need to talk,” Justin stated when Trace was out of earshot and then got out of the car before I could respond. I slowly got out as well and trailed behind him.

I really didn’t want to talk about today. I want to just ignore it and pretend it didn’t happen. And maybe that’s not the most mature thing of me but, hey, I never claimed to be the most mature person in the world.

We ended up in his bedroom and he shut the door behind us. I swear I felt like a little kid sitting in the principal’s office.

“So is there a reason why you don’t want to talk to me?” he asked once we were in his room alone.

“No,” I mumbled.

“Then what was that shit in the car?”

I sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed, not saying anything.

“We need to talk about what happened at the shoot,” he said when I never responded to his question.

I sighed. “What about it?” I asked, well aware of what his answer would be.

“About how jealous and insecure you were.”

I closed my eyes briefly and then looked down to the side. The childish part of me wanted to deny it but I forced myself to be somewhat mature in my answer. “I’m over it.”

“It never should have been an issue in the first place. What’s going on with you?”

I crossed my arms over my chest. “Nothing.”

An exasperated breath left him. “Would you stop being so defensive?”

“I’m not.”

“You’re sitting there with your arms crossed and hardly even speaking to me. You’re being defensive. I just want to talk.” He pinched the bridge of his nose and squeezed his eyes shut and I began to feel the tiniest bit bad that I had made him so frustrated. “You clearly knew there were going to be girls in the shoot so I don’t get why suddenly you’re upset.”

I drew in a deep breath. “I’m not upset. I’m just…I don’t know.”

“Well what’s going on?”

I forced my words out. “I knew there were going to be girls and I knew it was going to be like that but knowing all that is different than actually sitting there and watching it happen.”

“It’s just pictures. It doesn’t mean anything.”

“I know that. I know it means nothing but that doesn’t mean I want to sit there and watch it. Can you just try to understand that?”

“I fully understand that, Emily, because I’ve been in relationships where I’ve had to sit there and watch it just like you did today. I’m well aware of how much it sucks.”

“Then why are you so mad?”

“I’m not mad that you got upset about the photoshoot. I’m upset because when I asked you about it you acted so childish and wouldn’t even admit to it. It’s not like I’m going to get mad at you for what you feel.”

“You might.”

“Well I won’t.” He turned away from me and went to the doors leading onto the balcony. I stared at his back as he stood there. It was quiet for a while and I had just begun to think he was going to let it all go when he spoke.

“This is really stupid.”

“Well what do you want me to say, Justin?” I demanded. He can’t just start this argument and then decide it’s stupid and that he wants no part in it. “I’m not just going to apologize for how I feel.”

He turned back around. “I’m not asking you to. But don’t shut me out when I ask you what you’re feeling. At least I care enough to ask.”

I let out a quiet sigh and rubbed my eyes. I was too tired to argue with him anymore. “I know.” I went over to him and hugged my arms around his midsection. “I’m glad you care and I should have just said how I felt.”

His arms went around me and he rested his chin on the top of my head. It was quiet for a minute. “You don’t have to be jealous of those girls.”

He can never let things go completely. “They’re models, Justin. Forgive me for being a little insecure around them. Especially today.”

“What’s today?”

“I’m having an ugly day,” I mumbled into his t shirt.

His chest began to shake as he laughed. “An ugly day?”

I roll my eyes. “Yes.”

“And why exactly are you having an ugly day?”

“None of my clothes fit right and my hair’s a mess.”

“I think you look cute today.”

I scoffed and looked up at him. “Yeah right.”

“Really.” He tapped the edge of my hat. “With you little hat and torn up jeans.”

He must be lying just to make me feel better because I know for a fact that my outfit is not cute. But I can’t help but take the bait. “Really?”

“Need me to show you how cute I think you are?”

A small giggle escaped me at his playful eyes. “Okay.”

After all, the best part of fighting is making up, right?

Although it wasn’t officially called “couples night”, I felt like that’s what I was walking into. Emily had invited me over to, as she put it, “hang out” with her, Lo, and Mitch and I’m praying that this isn’t going to turn into some double date thing. It’s not that I mind hanging out with Lola and Mitch because I like them both and I think they’re great. But when it turns into a double date situation and we end up playing pictionary couple against couple…that’s when it gets too much. It’s all a little too cheesy for me. Hopefully the extent to which they have anything planned is a movie or something.

“Hey man,” Mitch said when he opened the door to the girls’ apartment.

“Hey. How’s is going?”

He shrugged and put a forkful of mac and cheese in his mouth from the plate in his hand. “Good. Hope you don’t mind but I vetoed any board games for tonight.”

I laughed a bit. “You’re my savior. Is Em around?”

“Talking on the phone in her room.”

“Great. Thanks.”

I went through the apartment, poking my head in the kitchen to say hello to Lola before continuing to Emily’s room. Her door was shut and after a quick knock, I eased it open.

She was laying on her back in the middle of her bed, her hands resting on her stomach and her eyes staring straight up. She didn’t acknowledge me.

I kicked off my shoes and then went to the end of the bed. I crawled up her body until our faces were even and leaned down to kiss her.

“Trying to sleep?”

Her eyes slowly moved from the ceiling to meet mine and the look in them immediately made my eyebrows draw together.

“What’s wrong?”

In the few seconds it took her to respond, scenarios were already going through my head. This is what I do. My mind always comes up with all these scenarios as if to prepare myself for anything that could go wrong. And right now, my brains telling me all the bad reasons she looks like she might cry and why she didn’t respond to my hello kiss. Maybe she’s finally fed up with all the sneaking around and is going to break up with me. Or maybe she saw that picture in US weekly of me and this producers, Sandra, which looks a little suspicious but I swear it was just an innocent hug. Or maybe-

“My dad called. My mom has pneumonia. That’s why she’s been so sick.”

The realization that none of my scenarios were true sent relief through me but I carefully kept that emotion from showing on my face. “Is she going to be okay?”

“Yeah. She’s on antibiotics.”

I moved off her and laid on my side, facing her. I propped up my head with my hand and stared at her. “Are you okay?”

She slowly nodded and then closed her eyes tightly. “I just really don’t like when my parents are sick.”

I reached out my free hand and smoothed it over her hair. It was damp and from her make up free face, I concluded that she had just showered. “I don’t either. But at least it’s nothing too serious. As long as she rests she’ll get better.” I cleared my throat a couple times when my voice faltered at the end of my sentence and she turned her head to look at me.

“Are you sick?”

“My throat’s been bugging me today.”

“Do you want some tea? I can make you a cup.”

I smiled a bit. Even when involved in her own issues she’s still thinking of everyone else. “That would be great actually.”

She slowly got up and I rolled onto my back and watched as she left the room. Once she was gone, I crossed my arms behind my head and stared up at the ceiling.

My feelings about Emily have been running crazy lately. I’ve never gone from being best friends with someone to dating them and it kind of sends your emotions on a rollercoaster. As friends, I’ve always loved her. And in the three years I’ve known her, I’ve told her that and she’s uttered the same words back to me. But it’s different now that we’re dating. Instead of a friendship love, it’s this intimate, romantic love that’s kind of been flittering through my head for weeks. It’s only been in the past few days that it’s really settled itself permanently.

It was right after my photoshoot when we got in a fight that I knew for sure. And it was like even though I was irritated at how everything had went down, I still couldn’t get enough of her and couldn’t wait for everything to be sorted out so we could go back to normal. And as mad as I was, I could hardly concentrate on the argument but instead all the amazing things about her kept popping into my mind. That night I laid in bed wide awake for three hours thinking about everything. It wasn’t until it finally clicked in my head that I loved her in more than a friend way that I started to feel the faintest bit tired.

So it’s been three days since I’ve figured this all out but I haven’t said anything. Part of me thinks it’s too early into the relationship and I don’t want to say it and have her not say it back. That would suck beyond belief. And I want to say it at the perfect time in the perfect place, not just randomly. I know I can’t just not say anything but I’m still going to give myself a few more days to get this all sorted out in my head.

“I put some honey in it.”

My eyes snapped away from the ceiling and to Emily. I had been so caught up in my own thoughts I hadn’t even heard her come back in the room. Sitting up, I took the mug from her. “Thanks.”

She sat down across from me on the bed, crossing her legs under her. She tilted her head to one side and began to run her fingers through her hair. “Lola said dinner would be ready in twenty minutes.”

“Great. I’m starving.” I raised the mug to my mouth and blew the top of it before taking a few small sips. I lifted my eyes back up to her and found her staring off to the side as her fingers still played in her wet hair. I turned my head and my eyes followed her gaze until they landed on the open suitcase on the ground, half filled with clothes. She was leaving for Ohio in two days.

“I bet you’re glad you’re going back home now,” I said. “You can see your mom.”

“Yeah,” she said softly.

“It’s gonna suck not seeing you for a week though,” I said, raising the mug back up.

“You should come with me.”

She blurted that out so suddenly and unexpectedly that it completely surprised me and caused me to suck in a large mouthful of tea. I winced as the hot liquid burnt my mouth.

“What?” I managed after I had forced myself to swallow.

She looked shocked at herself, like she had had no control of those words exiting her mouth. She stared at me, her eyes a bit wide. “I mean…”

“Do you really want me to come?”

She seemed to realize that I wasn’t completely freaked out or turned off at her suggestion and her shoulders relaxed a bit.

“It could be fun.”

“Your parents wouldn’t mind?”

“They want to meet you.” Her eyes faltered from mine. “If you don’t want to…”

I quickly cut her off. “No, that sounds like fun. I’d love to come. I can call my travel agent and get a ticket.”

She bit her lower lip but her smile still shone through. “So you really want to put yourself through a weekend at my dad’s farm? He’s going to put you to work, you know.”

I smiled. “I can handle it. I’m tougher than I look.”

Her foot reached out and nudged my leg. “You are so going to be eating those words.”

I raised my mug back to my mouth and gave her a wink. “Oh ye of little faith.”

* * *

“What the hell are you doing, man?”

My eyes raised to Cory, sitting across form me, at his abrupt question. “Huh?”

“Emily?”

My eyes immediately went to her form retreating to the restaurant’s bathroom and I watched her for a brief second before looking back at my friend and repeating my eloquent question. “Huh?”

“Does Ben know?”

A feeling of unease went through me and I didn’t speak as I stared at Cory, trying to decide if he was asking what I think he’s asking. I settled on playing stupid. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m not completely blind. Something’s going on between you guys.”

“Keep your voice down,” I mumbled, my eyes flickering down the table. Trace was beside me and Mitch and Lola near him but Ben wasn’t completely out of earshot of me and Cory and although he seemed pretty involved in the conversation he was having with Rob, he might still hear us.

“So there is something. And you’re hiding it.”

I reached my hand up and rubbed my forehead. “Yeah,” I muttered.

“You aren’t dating, are you?”

My hand dropped down to the table and I glanced up at Cory silently. He let out a low whistle and leaned back in his chair. “Man, that’s messed up. She’s Ben’s ex.”

Both elbows on the table, I dropped my head into my hands and ran them over the top of my hair a couple times. “I know.”

He leaned forward and lowered his voice a bit more. “How long?”

I raised my head long enough to ensure that no one was listening to our conversation and then dropped it back into my hands. “A month.”

A laugh escaped Cory. “A month? Are you shitting me?”

I lifted my head and rolled my eyes. “Yeah, I’m completely joking,” I said sarcastically.

“So it’s kind of getting serious then.”

“Yeah,” I said, tapping my fingers against the top of the table nervously. I really didn’t want to be having this conversation out in the open like this with the reason we’re hiding it sitting five feet away.

“How long are you going to do this for? Before you tell him?”

“I haven’t actually figured that out yet.”

“And Emily’s just okay with that?”

“Not exactly.”

Cory laughed again and leaned back. “You know, some days I’d give anything to be you. Today definitely isn’t one of those days.”

I sighed and forced my fingers to stop drumming on the table. “How did you figure it out?” I had to ask. “Are we that obvious?”

“It’s not hard to figure out sitting across from you. Next time you’re out in public together you might not want to sit right beside each other.”

“Yeah,” I mumbled, dropping my head.

“Are you okay?”

I jerked away when I felt Emily’s hand on my shoulder as she slid back into her chair. It could totally just be a friendly gesture but at this point, I was a little high strung. “Yeah.”

She gave me a weird look but I didn’t want to risk telling her anything right here. Instead I slipped my hand under the table and gave her knee what I hoped to be a reassuring squeeze. But that was the last contact I had with her for the rest of the night. If Cory can figure it out that means Ben can and I’ve got to play it cool.

I’ve really got to hand it to Justin. He hasn’t slept all night and then had to deal with a rental car mix up and clearly he’s ready to just go to bed. But when he met my parents, he really turned on the charm. One minute we’re sitting in the car in the driveway and he’s yawning and scrubbing his hands over his face and the next minute, he’s hugging my mom and complimenting her on her lemonade and talking sports with my dad. I don’t know how he can turn himself on that quickly but it’s certainly an admirable quality. I’m sitting here in the kitchen, hardly keeping my eyes open, and he’s currently off outside with my dad going to look at the horses. We’ve been here a grand total of thirty minutes and already my dad’s putting him to work. That’s my family for you.

“I didn’t make lunch but I can whip up some sandwiches if you two are hungry,” my mom said, opening the fridge.

“Oh don’t worry about it, Mom. We stopped somewhere on our way from the airport.” I narrowed my eyes at her. “Besides, aren’t you supposed to be in bed?”

She waved me off. “I’ve been in bed the past four days. I can’t take another minute laying there.” She winked at me. “Besides, eating your father’s cooking is a worse fate than pneumonia itself.”

I laughed. “Maybe if you taught him to cook something…”

“Oh hush.”

My family is really traditional. Painfully traditional at times. My dad works outside on the farm all day and my mom takes care of all the cleaning and cooking and all that is domestic labor. A feminist would have a heyday with my family. Of course, I don’t mind too much. They raised me to be independent but when I’m back home, I find myself taking on my mom’s domestic role. And sometimes that’s a nice change.

“I’m making fried chicken for dinner. Will that be good with Justin?”

“He’ll love it. Are you going to make mashed potatoes too?”

“Of course. They’re your favorite.”

A smile spread across my face. I love coming home. “Perfect.”

She moved to the sink to wash her hands and looked out the window above the sink. “Oh, Phil has Justin on the tractor. I don’t think he understands that you two came down here for a vacation, not to work.”

I smiled. “I warned Justin that Dad was going to put him to work and he said he was tough enough for it.”

“Well that’s a man for you.”

“Yeah, exactly.”

“He seems very nice. Just perfect for you.”

I smiled. “He’s really great, Mom. I mean, I’ve told you that before but now you can see for yourself.”

“He’s certainly different from Ben.”

“Yeah but that’s a good thing.” I crossed my arms on the table and laid my head down on them. “It’s going to be so nice being here and being just a normal couple. We don’t have to hide or anything.”

“That’s still going on?”

“There’s just no other way. Justin doesn’t want to ruin his friendship with Ben.”

“Well yes, but eventually it’s going to have to come out in the open.”

“And we both realize that. And I can wait for a bit longer.” I focused my eyes on my mom. “Do you not think I should?”

“I think that if you’re not bothered by it then that’s fine. You don’t want a friendship to be ruined if you can help it.”

I nodded and smiled a bit. That’s exactly what I needed to hear. My mom is the best to go to when you need advice. She helped me so much when I came here after Banff. She babied me and let me bitch and moan for a good four days but then she insisted that I get up and deal with Ben cheating on me and move on. I would not have been able to get over it as quickly as I did if it weren’t for all the advice she gave me.

“Eventually we’re going to tell everyone. Obviously we can’t keep it a secret forever.”

“Well I’m sure it will be nice to be down here where you can just be a normal couple.”

A smile spread across my face and I closed my eyes. “Exactly.”

* * *

My bed in LA is really amazing. It’s a queen size and the mattress is perfect. I splurged on 600 thread count sheets a while ago and it’s like heaven laying in them. And my duvet is so soft and fluffy and I have like a million pillows.

But as amazing as my bed is, nothing really beats being in my room in Ohio in my old bed. The bed frame may be creaky and the mattress lumpy but it’s absolutely perfect. The cotton sheets are soft from being washed so much and three mismatched quilts on top of me smell like home. I wish I could just somehow transfer this to LA.

Being farmers, my parents went to bed early and neither Justin nor I could stay up much longer than them. Flying takes a lot out of me and after eating a big dinner, my eyes were drooping. Justin hadn’t been much better. He was trying to be polite but it was obvious all he wanted to do was crash. My dad had worked him hard for the afternoon. I don’t think Justin minded though. He seemed to really be enjoying it when I had gone outside to get him and my dad for dinner.

As exhausted as I was, I couldn’t make myself fall asleep. The house is so quiet and I’m used to the sounds of LA nightlife lulling me to sleep. It always takes me a day or two to get used to the quiet out here

Letting out a yawn, I turned on my side and hugged a pillow to my chest. I closed my eyes as I thought about the next few days we had in Ohio. I was excited to be away from everyone we know and be able to go out in public and actually be a couple and not have to hide anything. It’s going to be a nice break.

I can tell this whole hiding thing is really beginning to stress Justin out. A couple nights before we left, we were all out to dinner and apparently his friend, Cory, called him out about the two of us. It completely freaked Justin out and he had been a bit on edge ever since. And not that I want him to be stressed out, but maybe this will just push him in the direction to make a decision about telling people about us. If Cory, who is more often than not, high as a kite, can figure it out, everyone else isn’t far behind.

The complete silence allowed me to hear the faint sound of someone moving around and then the door across the hallway open. I opened my eyes and a second passed before I heard my door creak open.

“Em? You awake?”

I rolled onto my back and saw Justin at the door. “Yeah.”

He entered my room, closing the door quietly behind him, and came over to my bed. I held up the covers for him and he crawled in, the bed squeaking, protesting at the extra weight.

I moved onto my side to face him. “Why aren’t you asleep?”

He pulled the pillow from in between us and used it to cushion his head. “I couldn’t sleep. It’s so quiet.”

I smiled. “I know. But I thought you would have passed out after helping my dad all afternoon.”

“It wasn’t that bad.”

I reached up my hand and trailed one of my fingers down his stubbled jaw. “Are you just doing all this because you want my dad to like you?”

The corner of his mouth turned up. “No. I really like helping.” He paused for a moment. “Is it making him like me though?”

I let out a soft laugh. “He likes you. So does my mom. You’ve charmed them both.”

His smile turned satisfied. “Good. I didn’t want them to not want me around here.”

My hand dropped from his cheek to the small space in between us. “They’re glad you’re here.”

“So am I. I like how we can just be ourselves here.”

“Me too.”

It was quiet again and the silence rang between us. It’s really great to be here. It’s moments like this where nothing else seems to matter. It doesn’t matter that we’re hiding everything from all our friends. It doesn’t matter that we haven’t really gone on another actual date since the failed first attempt. It doesn’t even matter that I don’t think he’s given any thought to when and how we’re going to tell people about us. All those things would have bothered me back in LA but they just don’t seem to matter right now, while I’m with him. I guess that’s what love will do to you.

The thought entered my head so randomly and suddenly that it almost didn’t register for a minute. But when it did, simultaneously my heard skipped a beat, my stomach dropped, and a shiver went through my whole body. Was I actually in love with him? I knew I felt very strongly for him but was it love? This wasn’t how I felt with Ben or Jeremy Molowsky, my high school sweetheart. But that didn’t necessarily make it NOT love, did it?

“So what’s the game plan for tomorrow?”

He caught me a bit off guard when his question hit the quiet air. I blinked once. “Tomorrow?” I repeated. “I’m not exactly sure.”

With both Ben and Jeremy, my feelings had gradually grown stronger and stronger until I had been aware of it the entire time. But this was so sudden. So different.

“Your dad said something about helping him with something but we should go out and do something tomorrow night.”

I’m in the middle of having some kind of epiphany and he won’t shut up long enough to let me think and figure everything out. “Sure.”

A month was too soon, wasn’t it? Am I just excited about having him here along and it’s throwing my emotions every which way? I don’t want to mess anything up by saying something to him and not being sure. But why would I think it if it wasn’t true?

“I’m getting a bit tired. I think I’m gonna go back to bed.”

I love spending time with him but at this moment there was nothing I wanted more than to be alone with my thoughts and sort this all out. “Okay.”

He leaned forward and kissed me so softly that it caused me to melt into the bed and threads of warmth to seep through me. This was so right.

He crawled out from under the covers and then replaced them around me. I rolled onto my back and he leaned down to kiss my forehead. I love when he does that.

“See you in the morning.”

“Night,” I said softly after him. My eyes followed him as he went to the door and left my room and then I listened to him go back to his room.

It had been so quiet before that I had hardly been able to stand it. Now, with all these thoughts crowding my brain…I would give anything to have that deathly silence back.

“So are you completely bored?”

I don’t look up right away from the photo album but when I do, I find Emily’s large eyes staring at me. “No. Why?”

“You must be bored. We’re just sitting here.”

“I’m good.”

“Are you sure?”

I laugh. “Are YOU bored?”

“No. But last night you said how you wanted to go to town tonight and we aren’t.”

“Last night I greatly underestimated how tired I would be today after helping your dad rebuild the barn.”

“You seriously don’t have to do all this while you’re on vacation. I can tell him to lay off.”

She’s so concerned and it’s so cute. “I already told you. I like helping him out. He’s really great. Really interesting.” I turn the page of the photo album and stare at the pictures for a second before looking back up at her. She looks so good sitting on the bed, her legs crossed under her. No make up except a hint of lip gloss is on her face and her hair is pulled away from her face in a French braid.

Most girls can make themselves look pretty good with enough makeup and hair products. But a girl who can be completely natural and look just as beautiful is a rare thing. And the fact that she’s so completely unaware of how gorgeous she is makes her that much more appealing.

Today I saw this domestic side of her that I’ve never really fully seen before. This afternoon I found her and her mom in the kitchen making pie. And not just any pie. I’m talking completely homemade, apples from the trees outside, crisscrossed pastry on top kind of pie. She normally likes to bake but not so hardcore.

And it’s not just pie. I found out today that she knits. In the three years we’ve known each other, she’s never divulged that piece of information before. But then today, she and her mom were sitting on the porch swing and she was knitting. She got all embarrassed when I teased her about it later but I think it’s just one more endearing quality.

I turn the last page of the photo album and then close it and push it to the side. Lifting up my legs, I prop up my feet on the edge of her bed. “So.”

She smiles a bit. “So,” she echoes.

I tap my feet on the mattress a couple times. “Okay, so maybe I’m a little bored.”

She laughs. “I knew you were,” she says, placing her palms on the bed behind her and leaning back.

“So?”

“So.”

“So this is your stomping ground. What should we do?”

“What kind of thing are you up to?”

“Nothing too crazy. I’m sore after today.”

She gives me a thoughtful look and taps her finger against her cheek. “Okay, I have an idea. It’s a bit cheesy though.”

“What is it?”

She doesn’t answer my question. “Are you hungry?”

“I could eat something.”

“You should go to the kitchen and grab something to eat and I’m going to change and get a couple things.”

I let my feet drop to the ground and slowly stand up. “Okay…But where are we going exactly?”

She smiles and jumps off her bed. “Surprise.” She takes my hands in hers and gives me a push towards her door. “Go find food.”

Chuckling, I leave her room and wander down the hallway to the kitchen. It’s dark and empty and I leave the lights off as I go to the fridge and open it. Leaning down a bit, I evaluate the food situation.

“What are you looking for, Sweetie?”

Pulling my head up, I turn and see Emily’s mom, Alice, in the doorway. “Emily sent me to get food.”

She comes into the room, flipping on the light on her way. “What sort of food are you looking for?”

“I dunno. She’s taking me somewhere and told me to grab something to eat.”

Alice smiles and joins me at the fridge. “How about I make something for you two?”

I return her smile. “Sounds good.”

“You have a seat and we can chat.”

My smile grows a bit as I sit on the stool by the island counter in the middle of the room. I’ve found while working with him, that Phil is a man of few words. But Alice is like Emily and a talker. At dinner, Emily and Alice will go back and forth and it’s almost a struggle to keep up with them. It’s entertaining in the least.

“So where are you two going?” Alice asks as she places some fruit on the counter and stands across from me.

“I don’t know actually. She says it’s a surprise. Any ideas where it might be?”

“Oh I couldn’t even begin to think of all the places she can dream up.” She drops some sliced strawberries in a plastic container. “She’s really happy with you, Justin.”

I rest my forearms on the counter and lean my upper body forward. “I’m really happy with her,” I say and watch her cut the core from an apple.

She’s silent for a brief moment before speaking again. “When I was young, my high school used to put on a big play production every spring.”

Random. “Oh, really?”

“I had a best friend, Carolyn, who tried out for the play every year while we were in high school. She wanted to be an actress when she grew up. And every year except for our senior year, she got some part in the play.”

This has to be going somewhere so I simply sit there silently and listen.

“In our senior year, she tried out for the main part in the play but the director didn’t like her for the part and she didn’t get it. She was so upset about it and vowed never to act again.” Alice put the apples into another container and then went to the fridge. “I was helping with the set design and one day while I was there, the main actress who had the part that Carolyn wanted, got sick with a bad case of the flu. There was no one else there and the director asked if I would fill in.”

“Did you?”

Returning with some small muffins, she continued. “At first I refused because I had never even considered acting and also, out of loyalty to Carolyn, I felt I couldn’t take the part she had wanted. But eventually, it was too tempting of an offer and I accepted.”

“Did you tell your friend?”

“No. I swore all the cast members to secrecy because I thought that Carolyn would hate me if she found out. After all, this was the part that she wanted and now I had it. And although I didn’t intentionally go after it, I still believed that she would hate me forever if she found out.”

I think I know where this is going. “So you snuck around.”

“I tried. Eventually it became clear that I was weaving myself into so many lies that I didn’t even know which way was up.” The muffins went into a plastic bag and joined the containers of fruit on the counter. “And at a certain point, it became clear that she would find out. One way or another, the truth always comes out. The only thing we can control is when it will come out. And the question became did I want to continue hiding this from her and have her find out by going to the play and seeing me in the leading role or should I go to her and tell her myself.”

I bit the side of my cheek. “So what did you do?”

“Two days before the play I went to her house and told her everything.”

“What did she do?”

“She was mad at me. At first just at the fact that I had the part she wanted but then later, more about the fact that I had hid it from her. I can still remember her telling me that ‘Best friends don’t keep secrets from each other’.”

I drop my head down and lift up my hands to rub over my forehead. I say nothing and instead let out a sigh.

“You know why I’m telling you this, don’t you, Justin?”

I pull my head back up. “Yeah.”

“I don’t want to see neither Emily nor you get hurt and it’s obviously heading in that direction. I don’t think she knows that and maybe you don’t either. But the lies will eventually catch up to both of you.”

I slowly nod. “I’m realizing that.”

“Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.”

“Sir Walter Scott.”

She smiles. “I’m impressed you know that.”

The corner of my mouth turns up. “I’m good at remembering random facts.”

She goes to the pantry and returns with a plastic bag. She puts the food in it and then pushes it towards me. “I realize that I’m not in your situation and you know more than I do how Ben would react to finding out you’re dating Emily. But the truth does always come out, in one way or another.”

“I just don’t know how to go about telling him tactfully.”

“I’m sure it will come to you.”

“Did you get food?”

I turn my head when Emily’s voice joins the room and I see her coming into the room. “Yeah.”

“Where are you two off too?” Alice asks as she wipes the counter.

Emily comes over and links her arm in mine. “It’s a surprise. We won’t be really late though.”

“Your dad and I will probably be going to bed soon so we won’t see you until morning.”

“Okay.” Emily looks over to me. “Are you ready to go?”

“Yep.” I push the stool back and grab the bag of food from the counter as I stand. “Thanks for the food, Alice.”

“You’re welcome. Have fun.”

“Bye, Mom.”

Emily practically drags me from the room and to the back door of the house. “What were you guys talking about?” she asks as soon as we’re out of earshot of her mom.

I look down at her and smirk a bit. “Why?”

“Were you talking about me?”

“Ugh, you’re so egotistical,” I tease. She scoffs and I just laugh and put my shoes on. “Not everything in this world is about you.”

She simply gives me a look and then goes out the door. Still laughing, I take a few long strides to catch up to her stalking form. I snake my arm around her waist from behind and halt her.

“Kidding,” I murmur in her ear, placing a few light kisses along her jaw line. “Everything is and should always be about you.”

Without looking, I know she’s smiling and her body relaxes against mine. “That’s right.”

I move my arm to slip around her side. “So we’re standing outside. What’s the destination?”

She points towards the patch of trees on the side of the property. “That way.”

We began to walk together in the direction of the trees, her head leaning against my shoulder.

“So what were you guys talking about?” she tries again.

I didn’t really want to get involved in the whole us keeping our relationship a secret thing. “She was just telling me about when she was in high school.”

“Oh.”

I run my fingers against the skin of her hip that’s exposed from her shirt riding up. “Do you know if your mom is friends with a lady named Carolyn?”

“Carolyn Shultz? Yeah, they’ve been best friends since elementary. Why?”

“Just wondering.” It’s a bit reassuring to know that they stayed friends even after the drama of the high school play. But as well as that situation turned out for them, my situation with Ben is still different. It’s not a play I’m hiding from him; it’s a relationship with his ex girlfriend.

We reach the edge of the trees and I pull her to a stop. “So I’m beginning to get a bit nervous about the fact that I’m about to enter the dark woods to some unknown destination with you carrying a duffle bag.”

She giggles and grabs my hand from her hip. She begins to walk into the woods, giving me a yank to follow behind her. “You think I’m leading you in here to rape you or something?”

“That’s actually what I’m hoping for,” I say as I trail behind her on the dirt path, watching the ground so I don’t trip. “I’m just worried about that mystery duffle bag.”

She gives me a push and I stumble a bit. “Don’t be stupid.”

I laugh as I regain my balance and continue to trail after her. “Oh, Emily…”

She stops abruptly and I quickly stop so I don’t run into her. “We’re here.”

I look around. “Our secret destination is an oak tree?”

She gives my shoulder a push. “No, you loser. Look up.”

I tilt my head up but with the darkening sky it’s a bit hard to make out what’s above us. “What is that?”

“My treehouse.”

I begin to smile. “There’s a treehouse up there?”

“Yep. Hold the mystery duffle bag.”

I take the duffle bag in my free hand and watch as she begins to climb the makeshift ladder I hadn’t seen before. After a second she disappeared into the treehouse. Her head popped out.

“Hand me up the bags.”

I reach the bags up and she manages to get them. Once my hands were free, I begin to climb up the ladder. “You’re sure this thing will hold both of us?” I call up to her.

“Positive. When I was little I used to have all my friends up here.”

It only takes me a few seconds to reach the opening and I push myself up into the treehouse. The wooden floor creaks a bit but holds steady. Once settled inside, I look around. It’s small up here but cute. There’s pictures painted on the walls and what looks to be messages written on the low ceiling. It’s pretty bare but I’m assuming no one really comes up here anymore.

“Did your dad make this?”

“My dad and grandpa,” Emily says, unzipping the duffle bag. “My mom used to hate me coming out here all alone. She thought I’d fall and break my leg or something.” She pulls some blankets from the bag and spreads them on the wooden floor. I move onto them and stretch out my legs as she produces a couple candles and lights them so there’s some light in the space.

“There,” she says, joining me on the blankets. “Isn’t this perfect?”

Smiling, I rub my hand up and down her jean covered leg. “Yeah, it is.”

We sit up there and eat the food her mom made for us and talk about nothing and everything for almost two hours. Being here alone with her it’s easy to imagine that this is our life and we’re free to be what we want to be. But I know that in two days, we’ll be getting back on a flight to LA where things will have to go back to the way they were. I know Alice’s words held truth and something needs to be done. But until I’m forced too, I’m going to allow myself to fall into this little fantasy world with Emily where everything is perfect.

The candles are burning low and I’m lying on my back on the floor with Emily curled up beside me, her head on my shoulder. We’ve been quiet for a while now, only the sounds of the outside breaking the silence. This is such a comfortable stage we’re in. We’re at the point where no words need to be said and we don’t need to be doing anything exciting to have a good time. Sure, we were at that point in our friendship before, but being at that point while dating is just different in some way.

Emily sighs against me and curls a little more into me. I give her a squeeze with the arm wrapped around her shoulders and turn my head to the side to kiss her temple. Her body relaxes again and her fingers resumes tracing patterns on my stomach.

Sometimes I worry that I rush things when it comes to dating. I want too much too fast and it’s burnt me in the past. But there’s something about being with Emily that makes me feel like I don’t need to worry if I’m moving too fast. She compliments me in every way and just being around her makes me feel like I’m home. I want to lay here and tell her all this but I know there’s only one simple way I can truly convey it to her.

“Em.”

She doesn’t lift her head but her fingers still. “Hmm?”

I turn my head to look at her. “I love you, Em.”

At those words, her head lifts and her eyes connect with mine. The flickering candlelight prevents me from being able to read anything in her stare. “You…”

“I’m in love with you,” I say and bring my head up to kiss her. I pull away just an inch so I can say, “Don’t feel like you have to say anything back. I just had to say it.”

She kisses me and I bring my hand to the back of her head. She only kisses me softly a couple times before pulling back. I lay my head back down on the blanket.

“I love you too.”

“You don’t have to-” I start but she stops me with a finger over my lips. She raises her upper body and props herself up with an elbow, hovering over top of me.

“It’s not an obligation type thing. Do you really think I would just say that?”

Her finger still on my lips, I smile slightly and shake my head.

“You love me and I am completely, head over heals in love with you,” she finishes with a whisper and leans down to kiss me, pulling her hand away from my mouth.

I wrap both arms around her as we kiss, bringing her down on top of me. Weaving my hand through her hair, I kiss her long and slow, showing her instead of telling her how I feel about her.

Screw the list of things that can go wrong. This is perfect.

“Have you always been this disorganized and I’ve just never noticed it before?” I wonder out loud as the car turns into the long winding driveway.

Justin gives me a roll of his eyes. “I’m not disorganized.”

“First you’re late picking me up to my birthday dinner and then you forget your wallet at your house,” I say, listing it off on my fingers. “Are you going to call Trace and tell him we’re going to be late?”

He lets out an exasperated sigh. “We’re not going to be late, Emily. We don’t have to be there for like ten minutes.”

I smirk a bit and don’t say anything. Apparently it’s only going to take ten minutes to get across the city to the restaurant. He’s living in a dream world.

“So what’s the plan after dinner?” I ask as he parks the car in front of the house.

He undoes his seatbelt and shrugs. “I dunno. We could hit up a club or something.”

I nod and put a smile on my face. I know Justin’s been busy since we got back from Ohio last week but it kind of feels like he just threw my birthday party together last minute. Usually he puts so much thought into it but this year I didn’t even know the plans until yesterday. And so far the plans seem to consist of going to dinner and I guess a club afterwards, which just kind of feels like something we do all the time. I really shouldn’t be complaining though. I’m sure I’ll have a great time just chilling with my friends.

“Are you coming in?”

I look over at Justin. “Do I need to come in?”

“Well I don’t exactly know where I left my wallet. I was hoping you’d help me look.”

Groaning, I undo my seatbelt and open my door. “Are you still convinced you’re not disorganized?” I ask as I get out of the car.

“Hey, don’t even start on me about being disorganized,” he says defensively. “Remember how we almost missed our flight to Ohio because you couldn’t find your ticket?”

I arch an eyebrow at him. “The only reason we almost missed our flight to Ohio was because you insisted on getting coffee even though we were running late,” I reply as we walk up the front steps of his house. “And then you proceeded to complain about how bad the coffee was for the next three hours.”

He puts his key into the lock. “I think I mentioned how bad the coffee was maybe once. Get your facts straight.”

I roll my eyes and put my hand on my hip as I wait for him to open the door. “Disorganized and defensive,” I state, stepping into the dark house ahead of him. “Such charming personality-”

“SURPRISE!”

My feet automatically take a step backwards. “Oh my gosh.”

A lot of people say that they would kill their friends or family if they ever threw a surprise party for them but I’m completely the opposite. Ever since I understood the concept of a surprise party, I’ve wanted one. I think it’s great that everyone gets together to surprise you and goes to all the effort of it. Over the years I’ve said a few times how much I wanted a surprise birthday but I never thought anyone ever really took notice of it.

As my wide eyes look over the faces of my friends crowding in the front room of Justin’s house, I feel his hands come up and circle my shoulders, giving me a little shake.

“You didn’t really think all I had planned was a lame ass dinner and clubbing, did you?” he asks.

I turn my head back to smile at him. “You rock so much,” I say and then give him a tight hug, careful to leave it at that since all eyes were on us. Once I let him go, I turned back around. “Thanks, guys.”

“Did we surprise you?” Lola asks, coming over to my side. She links her arm in mine.

“Totally. I had absolutely no idea.”

Lola pulls me away from Justin and into the sea of my friends and coworkers. Within minutes, the party is in full swing.

Justin really out did himself this year. His birthday parties for me are usually amazing but this tops them all. I don’t know how long he’s been planning this but everything’s so perfect. He got all my favorite food and drinks and music and I’m having the time of my life. This is officially the best birthday party ever.

I want to really thank Justin but I can’t get a minute alone with him with all the people around. It isn’t until a couple hours after we had walked in the door that a hand grabs mine as I’m walking to the kitchen and gives me a pull. I turn my head and when I see Justin, a smile spreads across my face and I let him lead me away from everyone.

“Isn’t this risky?” I giggle as he pulls me into the bathroom and pushes the door shut with his foot.

He grins and pulls me into a quick hug. “Are you drunk?”

Giving his chest a push, I smile up at him. “No. Are you?”

“No. But it’s your birthday. You should be drunk.”

Laughing, I hop up on the counter. “I want to remember every single detail about this night,” I say, looping my arms loosely around his neck when he steps in front of me. I pull his face down to mine. “Thank you so much for my party,” I mumble against his lips. “It’s exactly what I wanted.”

He presses his lips against mine a couple times and then pulls his face back an inch. “Were you actually surprised?”

“Completely. I had no idea. How long have you been planning this?”

“Couple weeks.” His hands run down my sides until they come to a rest at my hips. “So now you have to take back what you said about me being disorganized. A disorganized person would not have been able to pull this together.”

I giggle and put the ball of my foot on the back of his calf, nudging him closer to me. “I officially take back that you’re disorganized.”

“Good.” He leans down and gives me a nice, slow kiss. After a minute, he pulls his lips from mine and rests his forehead against mine. “Are you going to stay over tonight?”

I run my fingers along the back of his neck and then curl them around his shoulders. “I could. I don’t really have anything here though.”

“You don’t need anything,” he replies, his lips meeting mine again. I lean up into him and wrap my arms tightly around his back as he kisses me deeply. Life is perfect and I’m just getting lost in the countless kisses we’re sharing when the bathroom door swings open, bumping Justin into me.

“Oops, I…holy shit.”

Justin doesn’t move but I pull my head away from his to see Becca standing in the doorway. She’s staring at me and I don’t say anything.

“Um…sorry. I, uh…sorry.”

I’ve never seen anyone leave so quickly. She pulls the bathroom door shut behind her and the room is quiet again, the silence only broken with the faint sound of music and laughter coming from the rest of the house.

Justin has his head resting on my shoulder and I stare at the closed bathroom door. “I think Becca might know something’s up…” I say. His shoulders start to shake and I pull his head up to find him laughing. “What?”

“You think?” he laughs at me. “I’ve never seen her speechless before.”

I hit him lightly on the shoulder. “I should go talk to her.”

He stops me before I can slide off the counter. “You don’t have to leave right this minute. She’s not going to go make some kind of announcement or anything.”

I let him keep me in place and smile as he kisses me again. Someone new just found out about us and he doesn’t seem to be freaking out. This is a good thing. When Mitch found out, Justin practically shit himself. Then Corey found out and Justin just got more paranoid. But it’s like he doesn’t even care that Becca knows. I now know it’s only a matter of time before he gets over it completely and we can tell everyone, including Ben.

Although I’d rather stay right where I am, I know I need to go find Becca. She’s not going to go start gossip about Justin and I but she’s my friend and I owe her an explanation of what she saw. I’ve been hiding this from her for over a month now and I’ve hated it. She’s one of my best friends and so many times I’ve wanted to tell her but couldn’t. And now I can.

I pull away from Justin and a sigh escapes him. Rolling my eyes with a smile, I push him to the side and hop down from the counter.

“I need to go find Becca,” I say. “It’ll just take a minute.”

He runs a hand over the top of his hair and then down his face. “I should go back out there anyways. People might start to wonder why the host and the birthday girl are both missing.”

I stand on my toes and give him a quick kiss. “Later,” I promise and he grins.

“Later,” he confirms.

Smiling, I slip out of the bathroom and walk back to where everyone else is gathered. When my eyes land on Becca, I immediately walk over and grab her arm.

“Come here for a sec.”

I pull her through the people and down a hallway. I find a deserted guest bedroom and go inside, closing the door behind us. Before I can get a word out, Becca’s hands are cupping my face and her eyes are examining mine.

“You don’t look drunk,” she says after a moment.

“I’m not?” I say in a questioning tone, not quite sure of what’s going on.

“Either you’re drunk or just really caught up in birthday spirit,” she says. “But you can obviously see this won’t end well, right?”

My eyebrows draw together. “What?”

“Having a one night stand with your best friend is going to make things really awkward, Emily.”

I stare at her for a moment before I begin to laugh. “We’re not having a one night stand, Becca,” I say with a smile.

She looks confused. “You two were practically going at it. What exactly did I walk in on?”

I bite my lower lip and raise my eyebrows a bit. “Justin and I are…kind of dating.”

“What?!” Becca yelps, causing me to jump. “Since when?”

“Um…like a month?”

“Are you shitting me?”

I can’t tell if she’s mad or not. “Um, no?”

“You little hooch. Why are you hiding it?”

“Because of Ben.”

“Oh.” Then realization dawns in her eyes. “Oh…”

“Yeah. I totally wanted to tell you too. But we kind of agreed to tell as few people as possible because we don’t want it to get back to Ben.”

“Justin thinks it’ll ruin their friendship or something?”

“Exactly.”

Becca shakes her head and puts her hands on her hips. “I cannot believe that you two have been dating for a month and I had no idea. How dense am I?”

I laugh. “I’d like to think that we’re just doing a really good job at hiding it.”

“But for a month?” She shakes her head again. “So this must be kind of a serious thing, huh?”

I can’t stop myself from letting a smile spread across my face. “He told me he loves me last week.”

Becca’s face lights up. “He did? And you love him?”

I bite my bottom lip and nod. “Yeah.”

She steps forward to give me a tight hug. “I’m really happy for you, Em. You deserve it.”

“Thanks.”

She pulls back. “So when are you guys going to tell everyone?”

The question of the ages. “I’m kind of leaving it up to Justin at this point because he’s the one so adamant about Ben not finding out. But soon, I think.”

“I bet that’ll be a relief.”

I nod. “You have no idea. It’s exhausting always hiding it. And the longer it goes on, the harder it gets.”

“Well obviously you’re going to have to tell people eventually.” She gives me a look. “Especially if you’re planning on going at it in the main bathroom in the middle of a party.”

My cheeks heat up and I toy with the ends of my hair. “Yeah, that probably wasn’t the best thought out plan.”

“You’re lucky it was me who found you and not like Rob or someone like that.”

The idea of Rob Crawford walking in on us set my nerves on edge. “That would have been really bad.”

“Ben isn’t here, is he?”

“No. Justin didn’t invite him. We’re fine with each other but it’s not like we hang out all the time or anything. It would have been weird if he had been here.”

“True enough.”

It was quiet for a moment and I can hear the music being turned up.

“Let’s get back out there,” Becca says, linking her arm in mine. “I’m sure Justin is wanting you back.”

I smile. “I think after you finding us, we’ll probably try and keep a low profile for the rest of the night.” I open the door and we step out. “After everyone leaves though…”

“You hooch,” Becca says making me laugh as we join the party.

* * *

I can’t help but let my eyes follow Emily as she talks to her friends. It’s like there’s been a smile permanently attached to her face ever since we stepped in the door. I’m so glad this party was what she wanted. It’s risky throwing a surprise party for someone when you don’t know how they’ll react but it worked perfectly for her. I know I won’t be able to top this next year but it’s worth it.

I’m pulled from my thoughts when a body drops to the couch beside me. Tearing my eyes from Emily, I turn my head to see Becca sitting beside me. A smirk is etched firmly on her lips and I immediately know Emily told her everything.

“You sneaky bastard.”

Smiling, I lean into the couch and stretch my arms along the back of it. “Have I ever mentioned how I love when you randomly come up at insult me?”

She hits me in the chest and I laugh as I lower a hand to rub at the spot.

“Verbal AND physical abuse. You’re going to make some man so happy one day, Dickie.”

She rolls her eyes. “I can’t believe you and Emily…”

“How much did she say?”

“I hear love is in the air.”

The corner of my mouth turns up and my eyes find Emily again. She’s talking and laughing with some girl from Avidity. “Seems that way.”

“As annoyed as I am that you didn’t tell me, I’m happy for you two.”

I glance over at Becca and give her a smile. “Thanks.”

Truth be told, Becca knowing didn’t sit great with me. Becca can take a secret to the grave and I know she’ll be the last person to let anything slip but it’s just one more person on the list of people that know about Emily and I. Lately it seems like that list is growing longer and longer.

In Ohio, when we were all alone, everything was perfect. It was an ideal situation. We could do whatever we wanted wherever we wanted and not have to worry about anyone seeing anything. It had allowed me to put my guard down and even though we’ve been back for almost a week, I still haven’t quite gotten used to hiding our relationship again. Tonight’s a perfect example. I was asking to be caught when I pulled Emily into the bathroom. But lately, it’s like I don’t even care if someone were to find us. At least then it could just come out into the open and I wouldn’t have to deal with this. I’m too young to have to deal with all this stress.

Lately I’ve been questioning what the issue is if I want to get this out into the open so bad. And as soon as I question it, I know why. I wouldn’t trade my friendship with Ben for anything and I know that having him find out I’m dating his ex would effectively be trading my friendship for her. And that’s not okay.

“She’s so happy, you know?” Becca says. “It seems like she wouldn’t trade this for anything.”

I bring up a hand to pinch the bridge of my nose.

Shit.

Jim Morrison said that we cripple ourselves with lies. I don’t think I ever thought much of that until during a lunch with Ben and Trace three days after Emily’s surprise party. By time I parted ways with them, I was absolutely exhausted with all the lies I had told. But it wasn’t all my fault. It was like Ben was interrogating me the entire time.

First he was asking about the weekend I had spent with Emily in Ohio. I hadn’t told anyone but Trace that I was going to Ohio and I when Ben started questioning me about what I had done that weekend, I had to make up some shit about being sick at home and that’s why I hadn’t seen him for five days.

Next came questions about what I was doing this Saturday, which I’m planning on spending with Emily since she has the entire day off. Trace helped me out at that point by jumping in reminding me about some “meeting with Johnny” I had that would be taking up most of the day.

By time Ben started asking me if I knew if Emily was seeing anyone, I was about to have an aneurysm. What the hell is up with all the questions about her? I thought we were just going to sit down for a casual lunch and suddenly I’m being bombarded with everything involving Emily. I was not at all prepared for it.

In response to Emily dating, I stumbled out some response of some guy at her work she kept talking about and then desperately, for the fourth time, tried to change the subject to ANYTHING besides her and thankfully the questions seemed to stop there.

I felt like such an asshole sitting there and lying to one of my best friends. He doesn’t deserve the shit I said to him over lunch. He deserves the truth and I can’t even be man enough to give him that. When did I become that person who lies to his best friend over a girl?

I would have continued berating myself but my cell phone ringing cut into it. I pick it off the passengers seat and check the id before answering.

“Hi.”

“Hey,” Trace replies. “Are you on your way home?”

“Yeah. Shit, what was that at lunch?”

“I think you’ve got a problem, man.”

I push my head back against the headrest. “Tell me something I don’t know.”

“No, I mean an actual problem. After you left Ben asked me if there’s something going on between you and Emily.”

My hand clenches around the phone and I step on the brakes harder than necessary at the stoplight. “What did you say?” I breathe out, afraid of his response.

“I said that I didn’t know anything about it if there was.”

I love Trace. “Thanks.”

“He knows something’s up though. Not the full extent but he knows something’s up.”

I let out a few curses and shut my eyes. “How does he know?”

“I have no idea. But really, how long were you planning on hiding it? It’s been over a month.”

“I know that. Shit.” A horn honks behind me and my eyes snap open to see the light is green. “Shit,” I repeat as I step on the gas.

“And for the record, I don’t enjoy lying to Ben.”

“Neither do I. I need to figure this out.”

“Yeah you do. And soon. I’m not sure how convincing I was when I told him nothing was up.”

“Well…thanks for at least trying.”

“You need to figure this shit out.”

Trace can be abrupt as hell and I pull the phone away from my ear as he hangs up and ends our conversation with that.

I know he’s right. I’ve been putting this off for so long and nothing is getting better. The longer we hide our relationship, the worse it’s going to be. I should know better than anyone that people don’t enjoy being lied to and yet I just can’t find it in myself to tell the truth. Again, when did I become this person?

Normally I love seeing Emily. But when I’m this stressed out and tense, all I want to do is be alone and try and sort things out. Pulling into my driveway and seeing her car sitting there isn’t exactly a good thing at this point. She’s going to know something’s up just by looking at me.

I put my car in the garage and take my time going into the house. I gave her the key to my house the morning after her party and now I’m wishing I hadn’t. If she didn’t have a key and I wasn’t home, she would have left and I would have had a moment to myself. I just don’t think I have the energy to put on any type of act at this point. She’s going to see that something’s off and ask me what’s wrong and I don’t want to tell her about my lunch with Ben.

I don’t see her right away when I enter my house and as much as I want to slink off to my room and be alone, I know I need to find her.

“Emily?” I call out tiredly, rubbing my eyes with my thumb and pointer finger. I hear footsteps and look up to see her appear. I expect her to ask me what’s wrong right away but the question doesn’t exit her mouth. Instead she lets out a large sigh.

“So today Lucy tried to set me up with some guy,” she states, one hand resting on her hip and the other tapping against her thigh.

I push my shoes off my feet and drop my keys on the floor by them. “So?”

“She’s convinced that since I’m single she needs to find me a boyfriend.”

I move past her towards the kitchen, pausing for a brief moment, waiting her to follow. “So you tell her you’re seeing someone.”

“Yeah well that’s a little hard to do when I can’t give her anymore details than that, Justin,” she says, hot on my heels. “Do you really think that if I say I’m seeing someone she’s just going to leave it at that and not ask any questions about who exactly I’m seeing?”

“You could tell her to mind her own business,” I say, grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge.

“She’s my friend. Don’t tell me to tell her to mind her own business.”

I lean back against the counter and really take a minute to examine her. She’s not her normal carefree, happy self. In fact, she seems ready to fight and I seem to be the recipient of it. This I really don’t need. “Tell her you don’t want to go on a blind date,” I shrug, raising the bottle to my lips to take a sip.

“You’re missing the point.”

I sigh and wipe the back of my hand across my mouth. “Then maybe you should tell me the point.”

Both hands rise up to her hips and she speaks slowly. “The point is that I am sick of hiding this. I’m sick of not being able to tell anyone who I’m dating.”

“Lola knows. Talk to her.” I know I’m being an ass but at this point I can’t stop myself. I’m too stressed out to deal with this.

“No. I’m sick of this! You have been telling me for THREE weeks now that you’re going to figure out a way to tell everyone and you still haven’t! You promised me!”

“I will, okay? Just give me ti-”

“I’ve given you enough time!” she cuts me off. I can tell she’s really getting angry now and it’s doing nothing to improve my mood. “This is absolutely ridiculous!”

I twist the cap on and off my water bottle. “Would you please calm down?” I ask wearily, dropping my head down and squeezing my eyes shut.

She takes a few deep breaths and when I look back up at her I find her staring at me, her arms crossed over her chest.

“We are no longer keeping this a secret because it’s too stressful,” she states.

I stare at her for a long minute and she matches it. Finally, I blink and shake my head. “It’s not that easy, okay? You don’t get it.”

“No, I do get it. I’ve been understanding. Beyond understanding. I’ve given you so much time and I’m sick of it. I want to be able to share with my friends who I’m dating.”

Can I have my cake?
Can I have you too?

“It’s only for a little longer.”

“That’s what you keep saying!” she explodes, throwing her arms down to her sides. “You say it over and over and over but you never actually do anything. All you have to do is tell Ben. One simple conversation and we won’t have to deal with this anymore.”

I can’t help but let out a short laugh. “One simple conversation?” I ask in disbelief. “Do you really think that conversation will be anywhere close to simple? Get a clue, Em. He’s going to freak out.”

She juts out her jaw and gives me a hard look. “And he’s going to be happier if he finds out by accident?”

“He won’t find out by accident,” I mumble even though I know that statement is a lie. After today, I really should know better.

“You need to wake up,” Emily says hotly and I can see that she’s getting worked up again. “He IS going to eventually find out.” Her voice rises in pitch and loudness and she begins to list off people on her fingers. “Trace knows and Lola knows and Mitch knows and Becca knows and Corey knows! How much longer do you really think it’s going to be before he finds out?”

Just hearing the list of people who knew all at once was enough to give me a headache. How did we go from each telling one person to this? “Emily…”

“No! Don’t ‘Emily’ me! I have been so patient with you needing time to figure out how you’re going to tell Ben but this is it! I hate this!”

“I can’t just tell him, Emily,” I say, my frustration slowly growing. “You know how he is as well as I do. He won’t just accept it. He won’t be mad for a few days and get over it. He’s going to see this as me betraying him and that’s going to be it.”

She pressed her lips together and crossed her arms over her chest again. “If he cannot deal with you dating someone he used to than that is his problem. He needs to be mature and deal with it and if he can’t, his loss. I’m sick of you using his reaction as an excuse to not tell him.”

“It’s not an excuse!” I exclaim, giving her a disbelieving look. “It’s the reason I can’t tell him.”

“So what then? Are you planning on keeping this a secret forever? Have you been thinking that’s what you’d do all along and thinking I’d just be content with that as long as you keep feeding me bullshit lines about how you’ll eventually tell him.”

“It’s not bullshit. I am planning on telling him. But at this point I can’t.”

“You can! How exactly is this going to get any easier with time? The longer you wait, the madder he’s going to be that you hid it for so long. We should have told him the day we decided to start dating. You deciding to keep it a secret just made things worse.”

I narrow my eyes and point my finger at her. “It was you who suggested that.”

“Only because that was the only way you would agree to date me!” she says. “What else was I supposed to say? I didn’t think it would go on for over a month!”

Wincing at her loud voice, I brought up a hand to massage my temples where a more prominent headache was settling in. “I don’t know how many times I have to tell you but just give me more time.” I can’t help myself but to make my voice as loud as hers. I’m so frustrated with this conversation.

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice

She shakes her head. “No. No more time. Either you tell him or this is it. I can’t take this anymore.”

I look up at her, cringing at her set face. “Emily, don’t be like that.”

“I’m serious, Justin,” she states before turning on her heel and stalking out of the kitchen. I don’t bother to go after her but instead listen to her footsteps echo through the house and then the front door slam shut.

I knew we were going to have this conversation eventually but I didn’t think this would the conclusion of it That basically went about as badly as it could have.

Break Away-John Mayer
How to Save A Life-The Fray

Everyone knows I’m in over my head

I decide to give Emily a few hours to cool off after she stormed out of my house. She’s worked up right now and I know that I can only say one thing to make her less mad and it’s the one thing I can’t say right now. I have to think up what exactly I’m going to say to convince her that hiding this isn’t so bad. And to convince her, she’s got to be calm.

I know every single thing she said to me is the truth and I know that I have to deal with it eventually. But I also know in my heart that now is not the time. Not after lunch today with Ben. Anytime other than today. Even next week would be better. Well, not better per se, but at least it would be easier.

I’m about to go downstairs to work out a bit, hoping to blow off some steam, when my phone rings. When I see that it’s Ben calling, my heart starts to thump. This probably isn’t good.

“Hello?”

“Hey. Are you at home?”

“Yeah.” I shut my eyes, preparing myself for the worst. He’s going to ask me about Emily.

“Did I leave my black coat at your house last week?”

My eyes snap open at the unexpected question. “Oh. Uh, yeah. I was going to bring it today but I forgot.”

“Mind if I come over and grab it? I need it for tonight.”

“Sure. Are you coming now?”

“Yeah, I’m like ten minutes away.”

“Okay.”

“See you in a bit.”

“Yeah.”

There was absolutely nothing about Emily in that phone call. Crisis one averted. Now I just have to figure out what to do about Emily and it’ll all be good. I’m pretty sure some flowers and maybe chocolate and a whole bunch of groveling will take care of that. Somehow, I’ll manage to talk my way around putting everything out in the open just now.

Having nothing really to do, I sit around in the front room, waiting for Ben. When I see headlights in the front window, I slowly get up and make my way to the front door. I open the door just as Ben’s walking up the steps.

“Going somewhere tonight?” I ask him as I let him into the house.

“Out with Rob. It’s actually his coat and I’ve been telling him I’ll get it back to him forever.”

I go to the front closet and pull the coat out. I pass it to him, making eye contact when I do so and I freeze up. He has this weird look and his eyes seem to be piercing through me. Suddenly my throat’s dry.

“Thanks,” he says, taking the coat from my now limp hand. He goes to the door but almost as soon as his back’s to me, he turns back around. “I have to ask you something.”

Shit. I knew I wouldn’t get off that easy. He knows me too well. I clear my throat and try and make my voice sound as casual as possible. “Sure, man. What’s up?”

He’s silent for a moment and looks off to the side. “Is there something going on between you and Emily?” he finally asks, his eyes meeting mine.

When I see the look in his eyes, I instantly know that he knows. Obviously not to the full extent but he knows that there’s something going on between Emily and me and he’s giving me the chance to be upfront about it.

After all this time, I never imagined this moment would actually come. I guess I never really thought about how I would ever go about telling him but I never thought he would be the one asking me. And never imagining this point would come has screwed me over because I never thought about how I would answer the question.

Staying silent too long would only give in to his suspicions so I choked out a, “What?”

“Is there something going on between you and Emily?” he says again, not changing a word of the question.

I want to just stop the lies and come out and tell him everything. But as I stare at him, I know I can’t. He’s been my best friend for over seven years and I can’t just throw it all away. This situation just isn’t as easy as everyone thinks. He’s been an absolute amazing friend to me over the years and besides Trace and Emily, he’s probably one of the people who knows me best.

Ben has this thing about loyalty, which someone could almost laugh about considering he cheated on his girlfriend. But with his friends, he’s one of the most loyal people I know. He’ll always back you up and never betray you in the slightest way. And, rightfully, he expects the same back from his friends. Telling him that I’m dating his ex girlfriend will be a complete slap in the face.

When they broke up, Ben took it horribly. He screwed up and he knew it but once it all went down, I truly believe that he would give anything to go back in time and fix things. When Emily was in Ohio for that month, he called me every day to see if I had seen or heard from her. What he did to her was horrible but I know that he loved her so much and he still does in a way.

I can’t tell him there’s anything between us and yet, I can’t stand to lie right to his face. He doesn’t deserve that. No one does.

My mind is trying to come up with some kind of answer to give him and I can feel myself begin to hyperventilate as I draw a blank. If I can’t tell him the truth but I can’t lie to him, what do I do?

He’s still staring at me, never blinking, and I can see pain in his eyes. I can’t add to that pain and tell him that I’m dating Emily.

“We’re just friends, Ben.” With that statement, I knew I had sealed the fate of everything.

Ben finally blinks but then his eyes went right back to staring at me. He shakes his head slightly. “Justin-”

“Emily and I are just friends,” I repeat, trying to keep any shakiness out of my voice. What the hell am I doing?

He stares at me for a little longer before nodding. “Okay.” He turns back to the door.

“I swear, man,” I say after him.

He turns and gives me a smile and I can see in his eyes that he believes me. “Okay.”

“You’re going?”

“I have to go meet Rob.”

“Okay.”

“I’ll talk to you later.”

I nod mutely and watch him leave, shutting the door behind him. As soon as he’s gone, I let out a breath of air that I’d been holding the entire time he was here. I somehow managed to not lie to him and not tell him the truth at the same time but with that, comes a really bad consequence. A consequence I have to deal with right now.

It would have been easier if Emily had just let her phone go to voicemail. When she’s mad at someone, she usually won’t pick up their calls. But after the third ring, her voice comes over the line and at the sound, I can feel my heart dropping.

“Hello.”

“We need to talk.”

“I know.”

I lean back against the wall across from the closet. “Emily.”

“What?”

How do I say this? She doesn’t even sound that mad at me right now. She probably got over what we fought about before and she thinks I’m going to suggest we go for coffee or something to talk. How can I do this?

“Hello?”

I realize I’ve been silent for too long and my head hits the wall with a thump. “Emily, we need to break up.”

It’s quiet on the other end of the phone for too long and my eyes squeeze shut when I can hear her uneven breathing.

“Is this about before?” she finally asks softly.

“No-”

“Because I know I was kind of harsh and if you need more time I can give you more time,” she says in a rush. “I wasn’t trying to give you an ultimatum or anything.”

“Emily-”

Her voice drops down to a whisper. “Please don’t be serious, Justin.”

I feel like absolute shit. I can hear the tears in her voice. “I-I can’t do this anymore, Em. I can’t. You can’t. Neither of us can. Please just…”

She’s pulling in shaky breaths and my eyes start to sting. “Justin…”

“I’m so sorry.”

She stops speaking at that point and all I can hear is her crying. I can only listen to it for a few moments before pulling my head from the wall and straightening. “I’m coming over.”

I don’t wait for an answer and hang up the phone. I’m out of my house in a few seconds flat and on my way to her house. It seems to take so much longer than usual and I know I’m speeding but I can’t help it. I have to see her. I guess I’m a real jerk for doing that over the phone. She deserves better than that.

When I reach the apartment building, I take the stairs to her floor, too impatient to wait for the elevator. The hallway’s deserted, which I’m thankful for because I know I’m a mess. I don’t need anyone to witness this.

I reach Emily’s door and knock before resting my forehead against the doorframe. There’s no answer for a minute and just as I’m raising my hand to try again, I hear the lock disengage and then the door slowly opens, revealing Emily.

She looks exactly how I feel on the inside. There’s tears running down her cheeks and I know they’ve been going for a while. Her cheeks and nose are pink and eyes red and her arms are hugging herself. I have to clench my jaw tightly to avoid my chin from trembling as I see her. I did this to her.

She takes you in with her crying eyes
And all at once you have to say goodbye

She steps back from the door and I step forward and into the apartment, shutting the door behind me. She’s standing in front of me but it’s like she can’t even look at me and it’s breaking my heart. I close the remaining distance between us and pull her tightly into my body, one arm around her back and the other hand holding her head to my chest.

And she begins to cry.

The only times I’ve ever made Emily cry in the entire time I’ve known her has been when we were dating and it’s always involved the drama with Ben. The first time was when I ruined our first date and now this. I vowed after that first date to never make her cry again and now here she is, crying in my arms, her tears wetting my shirt. And I’m completely helpless to make it better.

There’s no point to words for a while because they’d be lost in her sobs. So I just stand there with her, hugging her as tightly as I can. The longer she cries, the more I can’t help but let the pent up tears fall from my eyes. This hurts. This hurts so damn much and I have to let it hurt because I can’t change it.

Either she wants me to say something or she’s just too exhausted from crying because ten minutes after I enter the apartment, her sobbing stops and she’s left pulling in uneven breaths against my chest. I turn my head to the side and press my cheek in to the top of her head, shutting my eyes tightly.

“I’m so sorry,” I finally whisper, my voice cracking. I weave my fingers into her hair and run my hand up and down her back. “I’m so sorry, Emily. I’m so so sorry.”

Her breaths are coming out in short bursts and her hands rise up to grip the front of my shirt. I wait for her to say something and when she does, her voice comes out broken. “How is it just ending like this?”

“He knows there’s something going on between us,” I say, opening my eyes to stare across her apartment. “He asked me straight up. I couldn’t lie to him but I couldn’t tell him the truth. I just couldn’t.”

She finally brings her head back and I stare into her wet eyes. “You can’t tell him?” she asks.

I shut my eyes as tight as I can and when I open them, a couple tears fall. “I can’t do it to him. I shouldn’t have ever let this happen between us in the first place. I set you up for getting hurt and I’m so completely sorry.”

Her face begins to crumble again and I pull her back towards my body. I kiss her temple and then rest my chin on the top of her head.

“You deserve better than this, Em,” I say, the truth of the words tearing at my heart. “You deserve to be able to tell everyone who you’re dating. You don’t deserve someone who can’t even be man enough to tell his best friend about you.”

She’s crying again and all I can do is hug her close and rock her back and forth. I should have never let it get to this point. I knew somewhere deep inside that I wouldn’t ever be able to come clean with Ben and yet I allowed Emily and my relationship to continue. I was a selfish ass and in return, I’m breaking her heart. And in turn, mine is also breaking.

“But I love you.”

Her words are a knife stabbing my gut. Those words are supposed to bring so much happiness but in this situation I can’t think of a worse thing to hear. It just reminds me that I’m letting go of someone who loves me and who I love.

“I know,” I whisper. “I know. I love you too. But I can’t get past this. I’m so sorry.”

It’s like I can’t apologize enough and as I hold her as close as I can to my body, I keep whispering how sorry I am, over and over, even though I know it’s not making her feel any better. Nothing I can say will make her feel better.

“This is so unfair!” she cries into my chest and the knife twists a little deeper.

“I’m sorry,” I manage to choke out, my voice cracking. “I’m sorry.”

I pull her so tightly against me that for a second I fear that I’m crushing her but she doesn’t protest. Instead, her hands regrip my shirt again and her head shakes back and forth against my chest.

I don’t even know how much time passes as we stand there. When your heart is slowly tearing itself in two, things like your feet getting tired from standing or your hands hurting from gripping someone so tightly seem so irrelevant. All that matters is this girl in my arms who hasn’t stopped crying since I got here. I’ll stand here all day if that what it takes to convince her that I don’t want to do this. I need her to know that I don’t want to hurt her but there’s just no other way. Not at this point.

Her crying isn’t stopping but she pulls her head back from me and when I look down at her, she steps a foot away from me. She rubs the heels of her palms in her eyes as if it will stop her tears but they continue to silently fall down her cheeks.

“Is this really how it’s going to end?” she asks so softly I almost miss her words.

My brow furrows and I press my lips together, trying to keep my tears at bay. “I don’t know what else to do, Em.”

She stares at me with such hurt that a few tears fall from my eyes against my control. The air is heavy with resignation and the room is silent, only the ticking of the clock breaking the quiet. Finally, “Can I have one last kiss goodbye?”

“Of course, Em,” I breathe out. I could never deny her that. I close the distance between us and cup her face in my hands. Her eyes close and tears stop and I stare at her face for a second before lowering my lips to hers. Our lips barely make contact and she begins to cry again through the kiss. I pull away and rest my forehead against her, closing my eyes.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper.

She doesn’t respond and I pull back. I bend my knees a bit and lower down to her level so I can look at her face to face. Her eyes are closed. “What can I do to make this easier?”

Her eyes finally open but instead of meeting mine, she’s looking down between us. “I need you to leave.”

I was expecting that and I had braced myself for those words. “Okay.” I straighten and kiss the top of her head, my lips lingering, trying to memorize every little thing about her. Memories are all I’m going to have for a while.

She pulls away before I can. “Please go,” she says, sniffing and wiping her cheeks with her fingers.

There’s nothing more I can say and I’m forced to let myself out of her apartment. She shuts the door behind me and I hear the lock turn. It feels as though there’s hundred pound weights attached to my feet and I can’t force myself to move. Instead, I slump back against the locked door and drop my head to my chest, pain, regret, and shame throbbing through me along to the beat of my heart.

Over My Head-The Fray
Dreaming with a Broken Heart-John Mayer

I fought the urge to run. When Justin left my apartment, I wanted to just get away from everything. I wanted to book a flight to somewhere far away and not have to deal with all this. To spend a week in some paradise where everything is perfect and heartbreak doesn’t exist. To do something, anything, that would take me away from all this pain.

But that’s what I always do and I know that it just pushes the pain to the side and doesn’t actually dissolve it. Running will just make the pain come back full force at some later date when I’m not expecting it.

I fought the urge to run and instead allowed myself to break down in the middle of my apartment. Lola came home two hours after Justin left and found me crying on the kitchen floor. She offered words of comfort but heartbreak has the ability to close off receptive ears and keep any words of reason from them. All I could do was cry. I cried in the kitchen until she convinced me to move to my room where I cried myself to sleep.

I went through the next day a little numb, which I guess I should be thankful for. Numb is better than pain. When you’re numb, you can pretend like nothing is actually wrong and disregard the throbbing pain that it’s covering.

Perhaps the worst thing about the entire situation was that yesterday when Lucy asked me what was wrong, I couldn’t tell her. She never knew about my relationship with Justin to begin with and now there’s nothing to say as an explanation as to why my eyes are bloodshot and why I look like I haven’t slept in days. At that point, when I realized this, I knew that this was going to be harder than I had thought. Only a couple of my friends knew about the situation with Justin and I was going to have to put on a show for them. I had had to hide my relationship with him and now I was going to have to hide my breakup with him.

We were supposed to spend Saturday together. I had finally convinced him to come to this amazing farmers market in the city and we were supposed to spend all day there. I debated just forgetting about it and not going but the thought of sitting in my apartment all day with nothing to do but think was extremely unappealing.

I’ve gone to the farmers market by myself many times before and usually enjoy the time to myself. But today, I couldn’t feel more alone. At any other point, I would have looked around and seen all these people from different walks of life, enjoying the farmers market experience with me. But being freshly broken up with puts blinders on your eyes and all I can see are happy couples all around me. It’s a like a slap in the damn face.

I knew Mitch was over at the apartment with Lola and I wasn’t going to be able to handle seeing them together so after the farmers market, I went to a movie. I have never felt more alone than sitting in that movie theatre all by myself. There’s nothing wrong with people who can be all independent and go to movies by themselves. All the more power to them. But I’m not one of those people and sitting in the back row of the theatre while I watch some contrived action movie was torture.

Okay so in retrospect, the movie wasn’t so torturous as walking into my apartment and seeing Mitch and Lola curled up on the couch watching TV together. Seeing them in all their happy couple glory just makes me realize how I don’t have that anymore. This is all such a joke.

“How was the farmer’s market?” Lola asks, raising her head from Mitch’s shoulder.

I drop my purse onto the floor and give a shrug. “Fine.”

“You didn’t buy anything?” Mitch asks.

“No.”

“Do you want to watch TV?” Lola gestures to the spot beside her on the couch. “We might order pizza too. Want some if we do?”

It’s like I’ve never had to answer so many questions in my life. It’s all I can do to sigh and then begin to walk towards my room, calling out a “No” over my shoulder.

I shut myself in my room and drop onto my bed. My eyes move across my room as I sit there.

Hiding that Justin and I were dating did keep me from putting up pictures of us together around my room in case anyone ever happened to come in and see them. I guess that’s a good thing now because I don’t have to look at how happy we were. But there are still all these little reminders. On my dresser, I have the empty champagne bottle from the night we first kissed. A sweatshirt I stole from him is laying in a pile in the corner of the room. The dozen roses he bought me for my birthday. I haven’t changed the water in a few days and they’re basically dying. I guess that’s kind of suiting.

I really need to go through my room and get rid of all this stuff. I can’t take staring at it. But right now, I just don’t have the energy to do it. Maybe tomorrow.

I sigh when there’s a knock on my door. They better not be trying to get me to watch TV with them. Sitting with them while they’re all happy is going to be absolute hell.

“What?”

My door opens and I turn my head to see Lola come in.

“I don’t want to watch TV,” I say and then see that she’s holding a carton of ice cream and two spoons.

“Mitch is gone,” she states and then plops down on the bed beside me. She tosses me a spoon and I gladly take it. “It’s just us and our two favorite men, Ben and Jerry.”

I smile slightly and the action seems almost foreign to me. How long has it been since I’ve smiled? “I didn’t know we had any ice cream here.”

“We didn’t. I bought some this afternoon.” She pops open the lid and pushes the carton towards me. “I saw you eating that pitiful bowl of rice yesterday when you were upset. You need some actual comfort food.”

I pull out a spoonful of chocolate chip cookie dough and stare at it. “This is definitely better.”

Lola gets her own spoonful and she watches me as we eat. It’s only quiet for a minute before she breaks it. “So?”

“So,” I echo back in a sigh.

“How’re you doing?”

I pull my knees up to my chest and shrug. “Fine.” I don’t look at her because she knows me too well and she’ll be able to see through my obvious lie.

She doesn’t call me out on my lie. “I was thinking,” she says instead.

I look at her to see her staring thoughtfully across the room. “About?”

She looks back to me and then I watch her eyes focus on the sweatshirt on the floor. She knows it’s his. “Why don’t you just put everyone out in the open?”

“What do you mean?”

Her eyes connect to mine. “You guys broke up and you’re still hiding the fact that you and he ever dated. What’s stopping you from going and telling people?”

“Why would I do that?”

“Because he broke up with you, Em!” she exclaims. Wow, she really feels strongly about this. “He can’t get the balls to tell Ben that you guys are dating so he takes the easy way out and breaks up with you! Don’t you want to get back at him just a bit? Why not go right to Ben and tell him that you guys were dating this whole time?”

“I can’t do that to him,” I say softly. “That would ruin his friendship with Ben. I can’t do that.”

“You’re being too nice to him,” Lola says and she has this disgusted look on her face that I know is for Justin. “He’s a complete jerk for doing this. He says he loves you and then just breaks up with you?”

I dangle my empty spoon from my fingers. “It wasn’t enough.”

All you need is love is a lie
Cause we had love but we still said goodbye

“It should be enough,” she states. “You are being too forgiving and just accepting this.”

I feel my eyes tear up and I silently curse myself. I was trying to get through just a few hours without crying. “What else am I supposed to do?”

She falls silent and I feel a small victory. It’s easy to say I’m accepting this but she obviously knows just as little as I do as how to change that. Instead of coming up with any words of advice, she just continues on her rant about Justin.

“You know, the more and more I think about it, the more I’ve decided that Justin and Ben deserve each other. One’s a cheating bastard and the other’s a lying asshole. They can rot in hell together.”

I know that Lola doesn’t truly mean that. She’s just mad that I’m not bad mouthing Justin so she’s picking up my slack. But it’s like, as much as I hate that Justin couldn’t just tell Ben when he was given such a good opportunity to and as much as I hate that I wasn’t enough to risk a friendship for, I can’t not understand where he’s coming from. I know how Justin was raised and I know that he was taught to value his family and friends. And I also know Ben and how hot headed he can be. I know that it would have been major drama if Justin had told Ben about us. And I don’t know if Ben would have ever forgiven Justin for it. I don’t think I was being selfish for wanting Justin to come out in the open with our relationship but I guess I shouldn’t have really been so surprised that he opted out.

Lola’s worked herself up by talking about Justin and she huffs a bit and sticks her spoon in the carton to get more ice cream. She shakes her head and points her spoon at me.

“I think we would both feel a whole lot better if you just said something about what a jerk he is.”

I rest my cheek on my drawn up knee and sigh. “That would probably make you feel better but not me.”

Her head shakes again. “But aren’t you upset, Em?”

A breathy laugh escapes me. “I feel like I haven’t stopped crying the past few days. Of course I’m upset.” Just talking about crying is making my eyes well up and I squeeze them shut, trying to force the tears away. “I’m sad and I’m hurt and I miss him, okay? I’m angry he wouldn’t tell Ben when he could have and I wish he wouldn’t be such a wimp. But I should have expected this and prepared myself for this.”

“You didn’t know he would do this. You told me that he told you over and over that he would tell Ben.”

“Exactly. He told me over and over and I should have gotten the hint that he was never going to. He never puts off things and the fact that he was putting that off should have told me that he wasn’t going to do it. I should have realized.”

“Don’t start to blame yourself for him being a bitch.”

I sigh. “I’m not.” I blink a few times. “This just really sucks.”

Lola pushes herself further onto my bed and crosses her legs at her ankles. “So what about that barbeque?”

I shut my eyes again. I was hoping we were all just going to forget about that. “The barbeque?”

“Yeah, you know the one that you and Justin were planning together for tomorrow afternoon? The one that you invited everyone too? What’s happening with that?”

My shoulders rise in a shrug and then drop. “I don’t know.” I’m hoping it’s off but I feel like it won’t be. Why would we just cancel it at the last minute after everyone’s known about it for weeks? “Maybe I just won’t go.”

“Except those invitations you sent out said you two were hosting it together,” Lola points out. “Might be a little weird if you aren’t there.”

“Should I call him to see if it’s still on?” I wonder out loud.

“Do you want to call him?”

I shake my head in a silent no.

“I can call him and ask,” Lola volunteers.

I give her a humorless smile. “You just want to call him so you can make him feel like shit.”

She shrugs. “So?”

A little part of me wants her to call him and give him a piece of her mind. I don’t want to take that route, but if Lola wants to…well so be it. But the bigger part of me just isn’t ready to talk to him yet and I’d rather she do it. After another moments hesitation, I slowly nod.

“Okay. Call him and ask.”

* * *

A large sigh escapes me as I rest my head on my forearm, which is propped up on top of the grand piano. I had really thought inspiration was going to hit but after sitting here for an hour, I’m beginning to realize that nothing is coming. I’ve stopped trying to come up with a melody and resorted to my index finger crashing down on middle C over and over, the note hitting the air like a gunshot each time.

My eyes are staring at the ivory keys and I’ve never felt so out of it in my entire life. I should find something productive to do but it’s like I can’t even fathom lifting my head and moving from piano bench. That would take far too much effort.

Trace is around somewhere but I’ve told him to get lost so many times over the past few days that I’m not expecting him to want to do anything with me. It’s not my fault though. He wants me to tell him what happened with Emily and I can’t voice it yet. When you just have what’s in your head, you can almost pretend it’s not real. But there’s something about saying it out loud and putting it out there that makes it so real it hurts. I think I’ll live in fantasy for just a little bit longer.

My finger pushes down on the piano again and the same note meets my ears. There’s something almost therapeutic about this. It’s like I have no control over my hand anymore and I couldn’t stop it if I tried.

Or so I thought until my cell phone began to ring. The sudden and unexpected noise caused my hand to jerk and come down on A sharp, the harsh note making me lift my head. The therapeutic value of my previous position now broken, I sigh and reach for my phone. Am I ever glad I did.

It’s Emily. Her apartment number is flashing across the screen and for a moment I can’t even move. I’ve tried calling her a couple times over the past few days but she doesn’t pick up. Not her home phone or her cell. I feel like we didn’t get everything sorted out when I went over to her apartment before and it still feels like there’s some unresolved stuff in between us. And I miss her. I want to talk to her and see her again.

I keep staring at the phone until realizing that it’s going to go to voicemail if I don’t snap out of it. Giving my head a shake to try and clear it, I hit the talk button and raise my phone to my ear. I can’t wait to hear her voice.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Asshole.”

When you’re expecting sweet and instead met with sour it leaves a horrible taste in your mouth. “Lola.”

“Broken any new hearts lately?”

I don’t think I’ve ever had a headache come on so fast. I squeeze my eyes shut and let out a slow breath of air, trying to keep myself calm. “Is there something you needed, Lola?”

“Emily wants to know if the barbeque is still on for tomorrow.”

I perk up at the mention of her name. “Is she there?”

Lola doesn’t say anything.

“She’s right there, isn’t she? Can I talk to her?”

“No.”

“You know-”

“She doesn’t want to talk to you,” Lola bites out. “Hence why I called you. Is the barbeque still on? Yes or no will do.”

“It’s a little too late to cancel at this point.”

“Is that a yes?”

Her condescending tone is setting my nerves on end and I struggle to keep my cool. “Yes. When is Emi-”

I’m hung up on before I can even ask when Emily’s going to come over the next day. With a growl of frustration, I snap my phone shut and stand up, shoving the piano bench backwards and out of my way. As I leave the room, enough curses fall from my lips to turn my mother’s hair gray. Trace looks up from the TV when I stalk into the room and drop onto the couch. I give him a pointed look and with a sigh, he turns down the volume on the television.

“Problems?”

“Lola.”

“She not letting you talk to Emily?”

I never told Trace I broke up with Emily or that it was because of Ben. But he knows me better than I do and he’s figured the basics all out by this point.

“She calls to ask me if the barbeque is still on and hardly lets me get in a word edgewise before hanging up on me. And she outright refused to let me talk to Emily.”

Trace shrugged. “Maybe Emily doesn’t want to talk to you.”

“Of course she doesn’t,” I say and then have to pause. I don’t know how to follow that statement.

“So is the barbeque still on then?”

I slouch down into the cushions of the couch and drop my head back. “It’s too late to cancel.”

“So tell me exactly how you’re going to have a barbeque that you and Emily were planning and putting on together if you’re broken up and not talking?”

“We’re not not talking,” I say, feeling the need to defend my current relationship with Emily. “She’s upset that we broke up and she’s allowed to be. She just needs some time.”

“Then why are you so pissed that Lola won’t let you talk to her?”

My eyebrows draw together and I frown. “Lola was being a bitch,” I mumble and push myself a little further into the couch.

“So are you at all concerned that Emily is going to go tell Ben everything? If you’re broken up and she’s mad at you, what exactly does she have to lose?”

The thought had gone through my head a few times. “She wouldn’t do that.”

“How do you know?”

I lift my head to look at Trace. “Because I know her and I know she’s not going to do that to me. She’s not pissed at me enough to ruin my friendship with Ben.”

“Are you sure of that?”

“Yes,” I snap. Shit, why does he have to question every single thing I say?

Trace raises the remote and turns up the volume a few notches before turning it back down and facing me again. “I’d just like to state for the record that I think you breaking up with Emily because of Ben is really retarded.”

A groan escapes me. “And I’d like to state for the record that you don’t know shit about the situation.”

He laughs which only serves to put me in a worse mood. “I know enough.”

I snap my head up to stare at him. “What would you say if I told you I was dating Melissa Nelson?”

Trace’s mouth tightens at the mention of the girl he had dated for two years and had broken up with a few months prior. He gives me a glare before focusing his eyes on the TV. “That’s a different situation than Emily and Ben.”

“No it’s not. If I told you I was dating Melissa can you honestly say you would ever want to talk to me again?”

Trace doesn’t respond and continues staring at the television. I sigh and rest my head against the back of the couch.

“The entire situation between me and Emily is my fault and I hate that I did it and I wish I hadn’t had to but I did. It was the only way.”

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Trace shakes his head and doesn’t reply. I don’t like the silence and I find myself not able to stop talking.

“I should have never gotten involved with her in the first place. I know that. But I did. And I told her I would tell Ben eventually and I honestly planned on doing it at some point. But not right now and you know as well as I do that he was figuring it out. I had to stop it before he actually realized what was going on.”

He’s still silent.

“Ben would react the same way about Emily as you would about Melissa. It would be like the ultimate betrayal. Ben’s one of my best friends. What was I supposed to do? How else was I supposed to fix things without breaking up with Emily? If there was another way, please enlighten me.”

He finally speaks up. “I get it, okay? It just really sucks. She’s one of my friends too, you know. I just think it’s stupid what happened.”

That basically sums it right up and it’s all that needs to be said so I stand and mumble a “Yeah.”

“You need to go shower or sleep or something. You look like shit.”

Leave it to Trace. I should respond but I can’t even find anything in me to fire back at him. Besides, I know I should do what he says. I haven’t showered for a day or two and I probably reek. And sleep hasn’t exactly come easily. If I’m going to see Emily tomorrow, I should probably be a bit more put together.

I opt for the shower first and a few minutes later, I’m standing under the hottest spray of water I can handle. There’s something about being there that completely exhausts me and I find myself slumping against the shower wall. I wish I could stop all thoughts of the past few days from going through my mind but it’s like they’re on this never ending loop of lunch with Ben, Ben coming over, and my break up with Emily. I can’t handle this.

Maybe seeing her tomorrow will help.

We share the sadness
Split screen sadness

Split Screen Sadness-John Mayer
All At Once-The Fray

I have never been more appreciative of Lola than right now as we walk up the front steps of Justin’s house. I knew eventually I would have to see him but the thought of doing it alone wasn’t sitting well. I need someone here for this. And being a true best friend, Lola didn’t even need to ask me if I wanted her to come. She merely asked when we were going to his house and which one of us was driving.

“Don’t worry,” Lola says when we reach the top step. “I’ll keep the asshole away from you.”

I sigh a bit at her words. “Don’t be too mean to him okay?”

She rolls her eyes. “You just aren’t being mean enough. I’ve got to make up for it somehow.”

I stay silent and stare at the stone steps. I should be madder than I am but it’s like I can’t force up that emotion in me. The sting of everything is fading a bit as time slowly passes and while it still hurts, I just can’t make myself as furious at him as Lola thinks I should be. Maybe I am just too nice. But as much as I don’t want to, I can see where he’s coming from and why he did what he did. Not that that puts him in the right, but it keeps him from being completely in the wrong.

“He’s still…one of my best friends though.”

“Is he?” Lola asks, looking confused. “How are you guys going to go back to being best friends after dating? That doesn’t happen in real life.”

When we were dating, I never thought about what our relationship would be if we ever broke up. And over the past few days I just kind of assumed that eventually we would go back to being best friends. Suddenly I’m thinking about what if that doesn’t happen? Am I not only going to lose my boyfriend but a best friend too? Did I really do something that horrible to deserve that?

My already not great mood was sinking as I thought about that and I didn’t even realize that Lola had pushed the doorbell. Hearing the lock disengage yanked me back to the present and I began to question things. Why was I here? Why did I think that seeing Justin so soon would be a good idea? How am I going to act like nothing is wrong around this huge group of people that are going to be here in an hour? I’m not that great of an actress. I don’t think I can do this.

I’m close to turning and running for the car when the door swings open and reveals Justin. A small bit of satisfaction goes through me when I see that he looks like shit. At least all this is affecting him too.

“Hey.”

His voice is soft and directed at me but Lola takes charge.

“Anyone else here yet?” she asks, pushing her way into the house and pulling me behind her.

He shuts the door behind us and shoves his hands in the front pockets of his jeans. “Just Trace. He said he wanted to talk to you.”

Lola scoffs and rolls her eyes. All three of us know it’s a lie. Justin just wants to get rid of her. “Want to go outside, Em?”

Before I can answer, she’s dragging me through the house to the door leading to the backyard. I follow helplessly behind her but not before throwing a look behind me at Justin, who’s still standing in the front hallway.

Just seeing his face is making all the memories of him breaking up with me fresh in my mind. I can see his face when I open my apartment door and the look of regret in his eyes when he tells me he can’t go out with me anymore. Forgetting those things had made it a bit easier to deal with everything but seeing him was causing a fresh wave of pain to run through me.

“Does it make you feel a little bit good that he looks like he hasn’t slept in days?” Lola asks as we step onto the patio.

I can’t help but smile a bit. She knows me well. “Maybe just a bit. Is that wrong?”

“Nope,” she affirms. “If you didn’t, I’d be worried.”

I glance around the backyard. I was supposed to come over early and help set up. At least that had been the plan a week prior. The idea sounded less than appealing and I had opted out. Instead, I had planned my arrival to be at a precise time where it would be before most people arrived so any initial awkwardness would be out of the way but not long enough before where there would be a lot of alone time with him.

My eyes are pulled to the back door when Justin steps outside. Lola follows my gaze and when he begins to walk towards us, she gives me a push towards the hammock in the corner of the yard.

“Come on.”

I’m grateful that she’s being a diversion for me so I won’t be forced to just stand around Justin but at the same time…I kind of want to talk to him. He may have hurt me but I don’t hate him. I dated him for over a month and it feels like I’ve been best friends with him forever. Having absolutely no contact with him for a few days after such a whirlwind relationship feels so strange.

“Is Mitch coming?” I ask as we situate ourselves on the hammock.

Lola begins to make some comment about how he’s coming from work but I’m not really listening to her. My eyes wander away from her and to Justin. He’s talking to Trace and a shiver goes through me when his eyes turn to me. He stops talking and simply stares at me. Trace turns to look at me and then he says something to which Justin shakes his head. Trace says something else and Justin brings up a hand to run over his face.

They’re talking about me. It’s a bit uncomfortable but I still can’t look away. This is such a weird situation. I don’t even know what to do.

When Lola’s cell phone begins to ring, I tear my eyes away from Justin and look at her. She pulls it from her purse.

“Mitch,” she says. “He’s probably lost.” She flips open the phone. “Hey. Where are you?…No, you were supposed to turn off the freeway before that…Ugh, hang on.”

She jumps up from the hammock, sending it swinging, and begins to walk toward the fence, giving Mitch directions on the way. I’ve just barely steadied the hammock when Justin’s quiet voice meets my ears.

“Hey.”

My eyes jerk to him. I had been so focused on staying steady in the swinging hammock that I hadn’t noticed him cross the yard and reach me. I stare at him for a second and wet my lips. “Hi.”

He clears his throat. “Can we talk before everyone gets here?” He pauses for a second and I watch his eyes flicker to Lola, who isn’t currently paying attention to us. “Maybe in private?”

He knows what’s up. If we talk out here, Lola will see and get off the phone and come over to get rid of him, most likely not being too pleasant about it. And if we don’t get this talk out of the way, it’s going to be a long, awkward barbeque.

I nod silently and get up. I don’t know where he’s leading me but I follow him into the house. There’s not a single word spoken until we’re up in his bedroom and the door is shut behind us. This silence is so abnormal between us that I don’t even know how to break it. Justin takes care of that for me.

“So are you okay? Have you been okay?”

I bite my lower lip and nod. “I’m okay.”

“You haven’t answered any of my calls or returned any of my messages.”

I shut my eyes briefly and take a deep breath. “Did you really expect me to?”

He stops at those words and a sigh escapes him. “I guess not.” He sits down on the end of his bed and drops his head into his hands, letting out a larger sigh this time. I stand still and watch him. He’s great at hiding his emotions when he wants to but he’s letting his guard down and I can see that he’s frustrated with this situation. He begins to talk but doesn’t lift his head, instead speaking to the floor. “I know I’ve said this but I’m just really really sorry. I didn’t want this to happen like it did.”

I fold my arms over my chest and bite the inside of my cheek. I vowed that I would not cry today. I knew being over here and seeing him would be hard but I wasn’t going to cry. I had done way too much of that already.

“I just wish you knew how bad I feel.”

Turning my head to the side, I stare out a window. Him saying this isn’t helping me feel any better.

“Em, are you going to tell Ben?”

I look back to him to find that he’s now staring at me. My eyes narrow a bit as his words replay in my mind. “Is that why you wanted to talk to me? To find out if I’m going to keep this all a secret?”

He quickly shakes his head. “No. But I need to know.”

“I wasn’t planning on it.”

He gives a visible sigh of relief and then his head returns to his hands. “Thank you.”

I don’t respond. What am I supposed to say? ‘No problem, Justin. Any time’?

Justin rubs his hands over his face and then raises his head. His look of frustration is now mixed with one of sadness. “I really miss us,” he says softly.

A lump rises in my throat but I force it down. I am not going to cry. Instead of saying anything, knowing my voice won’t be too steady, I shrug.

His left hand raises and he rubs the side of his face before dropping his face back into his hands. It’s like he can’t keep eye contact with me. “Can you forgive me for doing this to you, Em?”

His voice is so quiet but I hear it loud and clear. Justin is one of my best friends and I love him in a lot of ways. I could never hold anything against him. “You don’t need to ask that.”

“Yes I do.”

“Of course I forgive you.”

He nods and then abruptly gets up. He walks to his dresser and fiddles with the loose coins lying on top. “I really just want you to know that I never meant for this all to happen the way it did. And I know this really sucks how everything turned out but I think it was probably the best thing for all of us.”

My eyes begin to narrow at him. How can he stand there and say this is the best thing for us? How does he go from saying he misses me and he didn’t want us to break up the way we did to this being a good thing for us?

Oh what you say
That you only meant well, well of course you did
Oh what you say
That it’s all for the best, of course it is
Oh what you say
That it’s just what we needed and you decided this?

I can’t bite my tongue at his words. “You don’t get to decide what’s best for me,” I say softly but there’s a hard edge to my voice. “If you have to say that to make yourself feel better about the whole situation then that’s just fine. But don’t for a minute try and tell me that we’re somehow going to benefit from this.”

His jaw goes a bit slack at my words. I had shocked him by arguing with what he said. Good. I let him talk his way out of things way too often and sometimes he needs to be put in his place.

He stares at me for a second before turning back to his dresser and pushing the coins into a pile. “I didn’t exactly say that,” he finally mutters.

I breathe out a laugh even though nothing is funny. “Not exactly but close enough.”

He finally turns to me and gives me actual eye contact. “I don’t want things to be awkward between us, Em. We’ve always been best friends. I can’t lose that.”

I don’t want that either. But how do you go back to being friends after dating the person? The balance of friendship has been completely disrupted and trying to establish it once again seems impossible at this point.

“Me neither.”

I’m surprised when he comes over to me and his arms go around me. It’s unexpected but entirely welcome. I’ve been craving physical contact from him for days and it’s easy to wrap my arms around him and hug him back. I feel his chin on my shoulder and hear him breath in deeply.

Sometimes you can get more across when you don’t speak at all. I can tell by his hug that he’s sorry and that he misses me and that if it weren’t for Ben, this wouldn’t have all happened. I knew this all before but it does make it a bit easier to feel it from him.

“Think maybe one day we can go back to exactly how we used to be?”

I pull my head away form his chest and look up at him. He offers me a small smile and I try and return it.

“We make pretty great best friends,” I force myself to say. Yeah, we make great best friends, but much better boyfriend and girlfriend. He can pretend it’s not true and I can go right along with him but we both know it.

I pull away completely from him even though I don’t want to. Hugging him and being close to him isn’t going to help me get over this. It’s only reminding me of what I’m now missing.

“People are going to be here soon,” I say simply so we’d go back out in public. I cannot take being here alone with him and not being able to do anything. It’s torture.

He gives a slow nod and leads the way down the stairs. Halfway down, he stops and turns around on the step below me and we’re almost eye level. “I mean what I said that I want it to go back to us being friends,” he says in a low voice. “I can’t take this not speaking thing. It’s killing me.”

I had done so well with not crying. He had said some things which definitely made me want to cry but I had held it back. But there’s something about how he said what he just did and it causes tears to immediately well up in my eyes. I blink rapidly to try and hold them at bay but one ultimately escapes.

“Sorry,” Justin mumbles, realizing too late that his words had the power to bring tears to the surface. “But I mean that.”

I quickly wipe away the tear and blink away the rest of the moisture in my eyes. “I know.”

The doorbell rings and his eyes pull from mine to the front door. He doesn’t say anything else to me and takes the steps two at a time to get the door. I take a deep breath and follow him down the stairs at a slower pace. I don’t wait around to see who’s at the door, needing a minute to myself to collect myself. I thought I could get that in the backyard, but as soon as I step through the patio door, Lola practically tackles me.

“Sorry I left you alone with him,” she quickly says. “I didn’t even see him come over and then you guys were both gone.”

I nod silently and begin to walk towards the hammock. It’s in the corner of the yard and slightly shrouded by trees, which is what I need. Lola follows behind me, practically on my heels.

“What did he say?”

I sink into the hammock and pull my knees up to my chest. Lola doesn’t sit but instead stands in front of me. I shrug at her question. “Exactly what you’d expect.” I roll my eyes a bit. “Except he did ask if I was going to tell Ben.”

“You should,” Lola mumbles.

I sigh. With my finger, I draw circles on my denim covered knee. “Maybe. But I’m not going to.”

Lola motions for me to move over and I shift to the right a bit so she can sit beside me. “Did he apologize again?”

I nod silently and move my head forward so I can rest my chin on my drawn up knees. I stare at the grass in front of us. “He could hardly look me in the eye. It was like he was completely ashamed.”

“He should be,” Lola says. “He did a really stupid thing.”

I don’t respond to that. I don’t need to. I know as well as she does that it’s true. “And he wants us to go back to being actual friends.”

“You don’t want that.”

I turn my head so my cheek’s resting on my knee and my eyes are on Lola. Her eyes examine mine and she nods as if confirming her words.

“You still want to date him.”

I close my eyes and turn my head back to its original position. I don’t say anything because I don’t trust my voice.

“You know I’m pissed off at him.”

I nod. It’s not like she’s been subtle.

“I’m pissed at him and I still think he’s an asshole.” Her voice softens. “But maybe…if he didn’t actually want to break up with you what if you just didn’t accept it?”

I raise my head and look at her. “What?”

“Neither of you wanted to end it so just don’t. You both still like each other and he won’t be able to resist you.”

I roll my eyes. “No offense, but I think that’s shitty advice.”

Lola shrugs and stands, sending the hammock into motion. “You’re persuasive. You could change his mind.”

With that she walked away, leaving me sitting alone in the rocking hammock. Her words echoing in my head, I look around the backyard and after a moment, my eyes land on Justin, standing by the barbeque. And the longer I stare at him, the more I wonder how persuasive I exactly am.

Hide and Seek-Imogen Heap

I don’t think I was ever truly mad at Justin until this point. At the barbeque, he went on and on about how we needed to be friends again. About how he missed me. About how it was KILLING him to not talk to me. And I really truly believed him. He wasn’t putting on an act. I can read him perfectly and I know when he’s bullshitting. And he wasn’t. He was really sincere.

At the barbeque it was easy to not really have to interact with him too much. And that worked well for me since I was still a bit of an emotional wreck and not quite ready to put on an act in front of all my friends that I hadn’t just had my heart broken.

My spirit had risen a bit after that night though. He did want to be friends like we had been. And I had thought a lot about Lola’s advice to pursue him. It had seemed stupid at first but the more I thought about it, the better sense it made.

Justin and I were still attracted to each other. He didn’t break up with me because he didn’t love me. He broke up with me because of Ben and solely because of Ben. And if that’s the only reason and I don’t just accept it…Well I’ve had success in the past with getting Justin to go along with things I want so I figure this can’t be too much different. Maybe a bit more of a challenge but hey, who doesn’t like a good challenge?

I laid in bed that night and for an hour plotted out exactly how I was going to do this. Every single step was set in my mind and I went to sleep with an ounce of renewed hope. Maybe this would work and Justin and I would be together again.

My step by step plan fell apart even before I could set it in motion.

Justin didn’t pick up his cell phone when I called it. His home phone also went unanswered. Texting him was met with silence and he always returns texts. I tried his cell one more time and left a message to call me back and then decided I needed to stop or it would look completely desperate, which I’m definitely not. I honestly expected him to call me back that day. At the very least, the next day.

Eight days have passed since I left that message and I have heard not one word from him. In the entire time I’ve known him, the only time we’ve gone this long without talking is when I ran off to Ohio after my break up with Ben. But that was different.

I’m too proud to call Trace and demand to know where Justin is. I know he’s not dead and that he got my message. He’s ignoring me and my previously broken heart is now being grinded into millions of pieces.

He told me he wanted us to be friends. This isn’t how you treat your friend. And this definitely isn’t how you treat someone you claim to love. This is the act of a selfish person who is only interested in fixing himself and not the other person hurt by his actions.

Lola’s plan was thrown out the window after three days and by the fourth day I was completely pissed off at Justin. Screw him. I don’t need someone in my life who is going to be a complete ass and ignore me.

That realization helped me make the decision to accept Lucy’s blind date offer she had been pestering me with for the past three weeks. Justin was clearly moving on with his life without me so why should I stick around waiting for him?

Tonight I went out with Lucy’s cousin, Brent Morrison. He took me to a standard dinner and movie and I actually had a good time for the first time in what seemed like forever. I’m not sure if there was any actual sparks there or not but at least it was something other than sitting in my apartment, stewing over Justin.

I have a renewed sense of hope in men when I return to my apartment at eleven o’clock. Maybe Brent Morrison isn’t my prince charming but at least now I don’t feel like I’m going to end up a crazy old lady living alone in an apartment filled with cats and plants.

The apartment is dark when I unlock the door and I go in quietly, figuring Lola’s already in bed. For the past week when she’s not at work she’s sleeping and I’ve only seen her a couple times and briefly at that. I make a mental note to suggest that we go for dinner when she has a chance.

I walk through the dark apartment by memory and reach my closed door. My mind still on Brent’s charming smile, I ease the door open. All thoughts of anything are stripped from my brain when my eyes connect with Justin.

He’s sitting on my bed, leaning forward with his elbows resting on his knees. He looks up from the watch he’s playing with when I open the door and his eyes connect with mine.

Hours slide and days go by
Till you decide to come

Justin sitting here was the very last thing I expected to see tonight and I’m at a loss for words. My arms merely fall limply to my sides and my shoulders sag a bit as I stare at him. What the hell is he doing here?

He seems perfectly content to simply stare at me and I realize that I’m going to have to make the first move. I quietly shut the door, my eyes never leaving him, and then speak.

“What are you doing here?”

He wets his lips and slips his watch back onto his wrist. “You gave me a key.”

I take a deep breath and will myself to stay calm. “I didn’t ask how you got in here, I asked what you were doing here.”

His head drops and then rises so his eyes meet mine. “I wanted to see you. I haven’t seen you for a week.”

“Eight days actually,” I correct him, a hard edge in my voice. “Have you forgotten how to use a phone?”

He looks ashamed. “No.”

“Did you voicemail malfunction?”

His eyes drop from mine. “No.”

“Did you get beamed up by aliens and held hostage for a week?”

“No.”

“And now you think you can just waltz in here and give some big story about how you want to see me when you’ve outright ignored me for eight full days. What the hell is the matter with you?”

He stands, shoves his hands into the pockets of his pants, and looks up at me. “I wasn’t trying to ignore you. I’ve been in Miami recording.”

I raise an eyebrow. “There are phones in Miami.”

He sighs and his shoulders drop. “I know.”

“Considering everything you said to me at the barbeque I really thought you still wanted to be friends.”

“I do,” he says.

“Then why the hell haven’t you even bothered to phone me for the past week? That doesn’t seem like something someone would do who wants to be friends. Or did you just say all that so you’d feel better about breaking up with me?”

“I meant everything I said, Emily,” he states.

I can’t help but roll my eyes and I push past him to get to my dresser. I open the top drawer and pull out some pajamas.

“Lola told me you were out on a date.”

I don’t turn around to face him. “So?”

“You’re dating already? It hasn’t even been two weeks. Who the hell is this guy?”

I whip around to face him. I feel my face get hot as some anger rises in me. “Are you kidding me?”

“What?” he questions.

My eyes narrow and I take a step towards him. “You break up with me. Then you give this entire speech on missing me and wanting to be best friends again. Then you proceed to ignore me for over a week. You have NO right to come in here demand answers about ANYTHING!”

He seems taken aback but still asks the next question, although his voice is softer. “How can you already be dating again?”

A large breath of air escapes me. “I went on one blind date to shut Lucy up about me being single.”

“Are you going to see him again?”

“You DON’T get to ask me these questions, Justin,” I snap. “You lost that right when you decided to ignore me.” I run an agitated hand through my hair. “Seriously, what are you even doing here?”

His head drops down to his chest and he’s staring at the floor. If he thinks he can just act pathetic and everything will be right again, he’s really mistaken. He’s not just going to give me sad puppy dog eyes and I’ll forget the fact that he ignored me for an entire week. Only a good explanation is going to make me forget it and I have yet to hear that.

I’m about to tell him to leave so I can go to bed when his head lifts up and all words immediately die in my throat. He’s crying. And not just shedding a couple tears crying. There’s tears streaming down his face and his nose is running and he looks miserable. The only other time I ever saw him crying was when he came over after breaking up with me and that was nothing compared to this. He’s actually breaking down in front of me.

He raises his hand to his face, bumping his nose as he wipes it. He rubs the heals of his palms into his eyes not that it does any good because as soon as he pulls them away, more tears replace the ones he just wiped away.

I’ve never seen him like this before. He has a pretty good handle on his emotions and doesn’t just lose it over anything. All anger at him immediately disappears as I realize how torn up over this he is.

Ignoring the little voice inside of me telling me to be strong, I cross the few steps between us and pull him into a hug, bringing his head down to my shoulder. His hands grip me tightly and I can feel his tears sliding down my skin as we stand there. I stare over his shoulder at the wall, a little shocked at this. He had unexpectedly gone from indignantly demanding answers to crying in my arms.

My motherly instinct takes over and I run one hand in circles on his back and the other I bring up and rub my thumb over the nape of his neck. I can feel his fingers flexing the back of my t shirt that he’s clutching but he makes no other moves. He’s a complete dead weight in my arms and eventually I can’t support him anymore. I think he realizes it at the same moment as me because just before I’m about to try and get him to sit down on the bed, he pulls back and takes a step away from me. Running his hands over his face, he sits down on the edge of my bed and takes a few deep breaths.

Gingerly, I sit down next to him, facing him and tucking my legs underneath me. “Are you okay?” I ask softly.

He gives a slow nod. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine, Justin.”

“No, I’m sorry about this past week.” He looks up at me with bloodshot eyes. “I just thought that maybe if I wasn’t around you it would be easier to deal with breaking up. That maybe I would be able to just accept it and find a way to get back to normal. But I don’t know how to.”

I don’t say anything but pick up one of his hands in both of mine and squeeze it.

“I was an asshole for not calling you all week.”

“It’s okay.”

“It’s not okay,” he states, his voice a bit steadier now. “I keep screwing up everything over and over and you keep forgiving me for it and you shouldn’t. I don’t deserve it.”

I moved forward towards him and gave him another hug. Sometimes he messes up without even knowing it and when he realizes what he’s done and how it’s impacted people, guilt over takes him. He needs to know that I don’t hate him. Quite the opposite actually.

I wait until his breathing is steady before cautiously pulling my head back. I’ve never seen him quite like this and I don’t want him to break down again by saying or doing the wrong thing.

“Do you want to stay here tonight?”

He doesn’t raise his head from my shoulder but he did nod and utter a “yes.”

I pull myself away from him and stand up. Grabbing the pajamas I had discarded on the floor earlier, I quietly leave my room and go to the bathroom to get ready for bed. I almost feel in a daze as I go through the familiar routine of washing my face and brushing my teeth. This was the last thing I was expecting when I came home tonight. I thought I’d just be going to bed, maybe watch some TV. Now everything had changed.

Justin was sitting on the edge of the bed when I came back into the room, his head back in his hands. I go over to him and gently run my hand over the short hairs on his head. He raises his head at the contact and stares at me with red eyes.

“You still have those clothes in my dresser,” I say softly and he nods silently. I move as he stands up and while he’s retrieving the clothes, I crawl into my bed, facing away from him.

I stare at the wall across from me as I listen to him change his clothes. I keep staring when the lights flicker off but my eyes flutter shut when the covers are pulled back and Justin’s warm body slides into bed beside me. His arm goes around my stomach and I’m pulled back against his body and the contact is so welcome that it warms my entire body.

His forehead rests on my back in between my shoulders and in the quiet room, I can hear him draw in some shaky breaths. Maybe I’m imagining it, but for a moment I think I can feel his lips brushing against my skin.

I allow myself to weave my fingers through his on the hand that’s around me and I grip him tightly as we lay there. Maybe this isn’t the best idea considering our current situation, but it’s all I can think up to do.

An hour previous I had been so mad at Justin for all he had put me through and now, finally seeing his true emotions coming to the surface, I can’t help but want to forget about everything bad that’s gone on between us and just focus on how good it feels to have him laying here with me, holding me tightly.

It technically doesn’t mean anything and yet it means everything

All the Same-Mad Puppies

Emily is sleeping so soundly that it’s easy to slip out of bed the next morning unnoticed. She doesn’t even stir when I stumble around her room trying to change into my clothes from the previous night. Having some common sense, I write her a quick note and leave it on the pillow beside her and then exit her room.

I should probably stay until she wakes up. I’m not quite sure how she’ll take waking up alone in bed after last night. But I can’t be here when she wakes up. She looked so good sleeping beside me that I might do something really stupid if she were to open her eyes and say good morning with a smile. Just because I broke up with her doesn’t mean I don’t still want to kiss her every single time I’m near her.

The apartment isn’t dark like I thought it would be. It’s only seven but there are lights already on in the kitchen and the door to Lola’s bedroom is open. Shit. I didn’t encounter her last night when I arrived and I think she was sleeping already. I was hoping to sneak out without bumping into her. She’s made it no secret that she thinks I’m dirt and it’s a little early for verbal abuse.

I know there’s no hope in tiptoeing out of the apartment without her knowing but that doesn’t stop me from trying. Ten steps from the front door, I hear her clear her throat behind me.

“I thought I heard you last night.”

I turn and find her standing in the doorway of the kitchen. “I needed to talk to Em.”

Her arms cross over her chest but she doesn’t seem too defensive. “When you called last night I didn’t think you were actually going to come over here.”

She’s too calm. Ever since the breakup I’ve only gotten Angry Lola. I’m don’t know what to do with Calm Lola. “She gave me a key.”

“I know that.”

“We talked.”

“I assumed so.”

These short sentences are putting me on edge. I don’t know why Lola is suddenly not yelling and insulting me. Given, it’s been over a week since I’ve seen her, but you would think that time would only fuel her fire, not quench it. I know that I should just take it as what it is and leave, but I can’t help but give into my curiosity.

“Do you suddenly not hate me anymore?”

She looks down into the mug of coffee she’s holding and then back at me. “I never hated you. I just wasn’t a huge fan for what you did.” She looked back at the coffee. “I’m still not,” she says, almost as an afterthought.

“Uh huh.”

“But I know that she still likes you. And I know that you like her. And Ben is the problem. Well, you’re still a problem, but not the main one.”

She’s beginning to ramble and my eyebrows draw together. Lola’s normally a very eloquent speaker and doesn’t just go on and on without making much sense. I don’t know what to make of this.

“Look, I don’t know why she let you stay over here last night after you didn’t call for a week or why you’re sneaking out of here before she wakes up. I don’t get why I was the one who was pissed off at you for breaking up with her and she just accepted it. I can’t figure any of that out so I’m not going to worry about it.” She points her finger at me. “But you better not hurt her again like you did before. She doesn’t deserve that.”

“I know that.”

“Then sort your shit out and be careful with her.”

With those as departing words, she turns and goes back to the kitchen. I stare after her only for a second before walking the few remaining steps to the door. I leave without a sound and don’t allow myself to think until I’m sitting in my car.

I know I can’t do the same thing to Emily again and allow anything to happen. I know all this perfectly well and I’m honestly going to try and keep it innocent between us. I can do that as long as she does the same thing. So maybe it won’t be the easiest thing in the world to do but after that week away from her, it’s what I have to do.

Losing Emily as a girlfriend is awful. I can’t take losing her as my best friend.

* * *

Two hands slide over my eyes and a smile grows on my lips when I inhale the familiar scent of Justin’s cologne.

“Hey, Justin.”

The hands disappear and he comes up beside me. “How’d you know it was me?” he asks as he pushes some things across my desk so he can hoist himself up on it.

“If you’re trying to be subtle, don’t douse yourself in cologne,” I reply, keeping my eyes on my computer screen and pretending that I’m not as happy to see him as I am.

“You need to stop with that cologne thing. I put on normal amounts of cologne and I’ve never gotten complaints.”

I smile but only respond by clicking the mouse on the link for the website I order makeup from. After a second a foot kicks the underside of my chair and I turn my head to look at him.

He looks incredibly good today. He has on a pair of torn up jeans that are low on his hips and a blue t shirt that’s just tight enough to show some of his chest definition. Even though we’re indoors, his sunglasses are firmly planted on his face and a smirk is covering his lips.

I force myself to quit staring and turn back to my computer. “Are the fluorescent lights particularly bright today?”

He laughs and pulls his sunglasses from his face. “I feel more celebrity when I wear these everywhere I go.”

I can’t help but smile and turn back to him. “I don’t think you need the sunglasses’ help.”

“Maybe not. So what are you doing? Are you really busy?”

I prop up my chin in my hand and let my eyes run over his face. He didn’t shave today. “Not overly busy. Why?”

“Could you leave work now if some pretty fabulous plans came your way?”

“What kind of plans?”

A slightly guilt look comes over his face. “Um, well my aunt and uncle are coming over for dinner tonight and I told them I’d cook something but-”

“But then you remembered you don’t know how to cook anything?” I finish for him, raising my eyebrows.

“Basically.”

“And now you want me to help you make dinner?”

“Sounds pretty fabulous, hey?”

I roll my eyes but smile anyways. “What’s in it for me?”

“See I was trying to figure out what would convince you to do this for me. And I think I’ve got it. If you help me, I’ll come to your Thursday night thing this week.”

I perk up. “And actually watch CSI with us?”

His nod is one of resignation. “If that’s what it’ll take for you to help me out tonight, then yes.”

I had lost the bet I made with Lola that I could get Justin to watch CSI in a month’s time. But that had been right around when he had broken up with me so she had let it slide. It would be sweet victory if I were able to get him to watch it though. This has been a goal of mine ever since I met him. I would have been cooking him dinners a long time ago if I knew this was all it was going to take.

“Deal,” I say quickly before he can back out of it. “But you can’t ditch on Thursday.”

“I’d never do that.” He narrows his eyes at me. “You guys don’t like sit around and discuss it afterwards, do you? Because I’ll be forced to leave if you do.”

I punch him in the arm. “Don’t be a loser. We don’t do that.”

He laughs and hops down from my desk. “So let’s go then. It’s already three and they’re coming at six.”

“I take it you have no food in your house.”

“Not unless you’re going to make a meal out of pretzels and a half empty carton of milk.”

My nose wrinkles and bit as I shut down my computer. “How are you surviving on that?”

He shrugs and throws me my coat. “I order in or go out.”

“While we’re getting food you’re going to get some fruits and vegetables,” I state as I make sure I have everything I need.

“You sound like my mother,” he replies, leading the way out of my office.

An hour later, we’re in his kitchen and I’ve put him to work peeling potatoes. He looks absolutely ridiculous wearing this frilly apron he found at the grocery store that he insisted on buying and he hasn’t let me stop laughing since we left Avidity. I had forgotten how much I’ve missed just hanging out with him. Not that I don’t want to go back to dating him, but if this is what I’m stuck with for now, I’ll take it.

Of course, that doesn’t stop my mind from wandering while I pound some chicken breasts into flat strips for chicken marsala. When I look at him I don’t see Justin, my friend. I see Justin, my previous boyfriend. I keep thinking about the last happy time we were together as boyfriend and girlfriend.

It had been a Monday, the day before he had broken up with me. He had convinced me to call in sick for work and we had gone to the beach. It had been so nice out and he had surfed while I laid in the sun and worked on my tan. Then we had gone back to his house to watch a movie. After spending all day out in the sun it had felt great to curl up in bed with him and watch an old black and white movie from the huge TV in his room.

I can still remember how good he smelt that day. His skin had smelt like the salt water of the ocean and a hint of suntan lotion. He had felt so solid beside me while we were watching the movie and I had known that he didn’t actually want to watch it because he kept distracting me with kisses throughout it. Finally he had gotten impatient and simply turned it off before pouncing on me, muffling any protests I might have given.

At that exact moment it had felt like nothing could go wrong. Hard to believe that only a day later it all went to shit. I guess that’s life.

“Do you have some pent up frustration there, Chief?”

Justin’s laughing question pulled me from my thoughts and my hand that’s holding the meat cleaver stills.

“Those are pretty thin pieces of chicken.”

I look down at the meat and realize I had pounding them a few times too many. “Oops. I was daydreaming.”

“What were you thinking about?”

A blush spreads across my cheeks as if he can read my thoughts and know exactly what was going through my mind. “Nothing. Are you done with the potatoes?”

“Sure am.”

“Fill a pot with water and put them on the stove,” I instruct and then turn back to the chicken and my thoughts.

When I had woken up the day before, Justin was already gone from my room. He had left a note on his vacant pillow saying he had a meeting early in the morning and he thanked me for the night before. Lola had told me when I got up that she had seen him leave around seven and she had only talked to him for a few minutes. Then she pointed out that if he’s sleeping over, it shouldn’t be hard to get back to a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. She knows that even with that week where I didn’t see him and was extremely pissed off at him that I still want to date him. I haven’t quite decided yet if I’ll pursue it and try pushing him a bit. But the more time I spend with him, the harder it is to imagine never being able to kiss him again. I don’t even want to think about the possibility of us just always being friends and him eventually finding someone else who isn’t me that he wants to date.

“So how long is this all going to take to bake?”

I look up at Justin and the words about to exit get caught in my throat. He’s stretching his arms above his head, his shirt riding up and exposing an inch of stomach. I have the biggest urge to go over and run my hands along that skin of his hips exposed.

I should respect his decision. I should accept that all he can be is my friend because of Ben. I should stop staring at his stomach.

I’m not going to do any of those things.

I wet my lips and try and focus on his question. “Um, like forty minutes.”

He drops his arms to his sides and his shirt falls back down again. “It’s already five thirty so that’s perfect.”

“I should go,” I blurt out. I need to figure out how exactly I’m going to pursue anything with him. I can’t just do something rash and than have it backfire.

“You’re sure you don’t want to stay for dinner?”

“It’s a family thing.” I’m moving around the kitchen at super speed, gathering all my things. Maybe I’m the only one who feels it, but the tension in this room is so high I can hardly breathe. “Call me later about Thursday.”

“Okay.” He looks a bit confused by my sudden change in demeanor but doesn’t comment on it and instead simply walks me to the front door. “Thanks for your help.”

“No worries.”

I’ve never made a faster exit out of his house. Within seconds I’m in my car and backing out of my driveway.

Yesterday Lola officially named it “Operation Make Justin Want You So Bad He Says ‘Screw Ben’”. And now I’m officially jumping on that bandwagon.

“So explain to me one more time why I have to watch this stupid show with you?”

I open the door to the stairs and push it open further so Trace can follow me. “Because I don’t think I can endure an hour by myself of Emily gloating that she finally got me to watch CSI.”

“I can’t believe that you agreed to watch it,” Trace says, shaking his head. “I thought you were strong.”

I shrug and take the stairs two at a time up to Emily’s floor. “It was going to happen eventually. You don’t even realize how much she’s bugged me about this since I’ve met her.”

“We could still leave,” Trace says as we walk down the hallway towards Emily and Lola’s apartment.

“Em will kick my ass if I don’t show up,” I reply, knocking on the door. “We’ve got plans to meet up with Ben after this so we only have to stay until the end of the show and then we have a reason to leave. It’ll be fine.”

Trace snorts. “You say that now but you’ve never been around them when they watch this show. They turn from normal human beings to obsessive…things. It’s scary.”

I roll my eyes and want to tell him he’s being dramatic but I have a sinking feeling that he’s not lying. Before I can say anything else, the door swings open and we’re greeted by Emily. She has a huge infectious smile on her face and I feel my own spreading across my lips.

“You’re even early! I’m impressed.”

“Wouldn’t want to miss a minute of this spectacular show,” Trace mumbles as we step into the apartment.

She hits him on the arm. “Shut up. Nobody needs your catty remarks. Why are you even here?”

“Justin knew he was in for hell so he dragged me along for the ride,” Trace fires back. “You better have some good food here or I’m seriously going to kill myself.”

“Promise?”

Normally I’d be right in there, bickering with them but I haven’t been able to form any words since I’ve stepped into the apartment. Maybe it’s because lately when I’ve seen Emily, she’s been pretty dressed down, but tonight she looks amazing. She has on a pair of white capris, which are offsetting her tan and making her legs look incredible. A pink camisole is hugging her upper body and her hair is pulled back in some sort of messy bun thing. Her face is flawless and eyes sparkling.

I think lately I’ve spent most of my time staring in her eyes, begging for forgiveness for the most recent stupid thing I’ve done that I haven’t taken the opportunity to really examine her entire body and realize again just how gorgeous she is. It’s hitting me full force now and I’m having issues remembering just exactly how to breathe normally.

“You okay there, Justin?”

My eyes pull from Emily to see Lola standing there, smirking at me. She was clearly watching me staring and I fight to keep an embarrassed look off my face.

“Fine.” I raise an eyebrow at her. “You?”

Her smirk doesn’t falter. “Just perfect.”

Emily’s eyes suddenly turn to me as if she’s just realizing that I’m standing there. “Hey! Are you excited for CSI?”

Before I have a chance to respond, she’s wrapping her arms around my neck in a hug and pulling me down more to her level. I’m caught off guard a bit and clumsily try and return the hug. My eyes close unconsciously as a whiff of her scent enters my nose. It’s only been two days since I’ve been near her but it’s like I’ve forgotten all of this.

I force myself to pull away after a minute, knowing if I hug her too much longer I’ll lose all reserve.

“As excited as I’ve ever been,” I say, trying to keep the sarcasm to a minimum. There are a million other things I would rather do than watch this show. But I should look on the bright side. It’s a chance to hang out with Emily and when she’s looking as good as she is right now, I should be glad I’m here.

“You got any food around here?” Trace asks, wandering into the living room.

“I made cookies this afternoon for this momentous occasion,” Emily says, following Trace. Lola trails behind and once I realize I’m the only one still standing in the front hallway, I force myself in motion and follow behind.

Everyone’s already sitting around when I get into the living room and the only available spot is on the love seat beside Emily. I drop down onto the cushion and stretch out my legs in front of me.

“So after I endure this hour, you’re not going to bother me about watching this show anymore, right?” I ask, rolling my head to the side to look at Emily.

She rolls her eyes and reaches out her bare foot to push against my thigh. “I won’t need to bother you about it because you’re going to be so addicted after tonight you’re going to be begging me to borrow my CSI DVD’s.”

I laugh. “Fat chance.”

I guess I shouldn’t have expected anything from Lola and Emily but rapt attention throughout the show. The only talking was during commercials and every time I tried to say anything while the show was on, I got a kick in the leg from Emily and a glare from Lola. I thought I’d have some support in Trace but he seemed to be halfway interested in the show and basically ignoring me.

How did I become friends with these people?

By the end of the show, I didn’t like it anymore than I did to start with although I did like Trace a whole let less for not backing me up when I was making fun of Grisham’s words of confusing wisdom throughout the show.

“So?” Emily asked as the closing credits came on, turning her body to face me, her eyes shining. “Did you love it?”

My eyes examine her face and as much as I want to please her and say it was great, I know a lie that big won’t be convincing. “Sorry, Chief.”

Her mouth forms into that unconscious pout and she gives a light roll of her eyes. “Well you just need to watch some more episodes.”

A laugh escapes me. “I agreed to watch one, Em. You’re not making me sit through another.”

“Whatever. You’re going to need my help again sometime soon and when you do, you know what you’ll have to do for me in return.”

I laugh again and shake my head. This girl never quits. Of course she wouldn’t be Emily if she did. “We’ll see.” My eyes move to Trace as he stands up. “Where are you going?”

“I’m still hungry,” he says as he walks towards the kitchen. “What do you guys have to eat?”

Lola springs up from the couch. “Wait, you can’t eat some of the stuff in the fridge,” she says, going after him. “It’s for my family dinner tomorrow.”

Now alone with Emily, I stretch out on the couch, wincing a bit as my back tenses up.

“Are you okay?”

I look over at Emily to find that she’s watching me. “I slept wrong last night and my back is killing me.”

She stares at me silently for a few seconds. “Move forward a bit.”

I do as she says before questioning. “Why?”

Instead of replying, she moves across the loveseat. My next words die in my throat as she slips in behind me, her knees pressed in between my back and her chest. I struggle to draw in a breath as her hands begin to massage my shoulders.

Damn, that feels amazing.

A massage would feel great coming from anyone but the massage combined with Emily’s body so close to mine, the comforting smell of her perfume meeting my nose, is almost too much to take. I can feel the tension leaving my body as her hands work across my upper back.

“That feels amazing,” I mumble, dropping my chin to my chest. “Why didn’t I know you give such great massages?”

“Guess you just never had the opportunity to experience one before,” she replies. She moves her legs out to the sides of my body so she can move her hands down my back. My eyes close and a small groan escapes me as she hands rub against a particularly tense part of my back.

I know in the back of my mind that I should get up. Having her this close to me, touching me, is doing nothing for this whole broken up thing. At this point all I want to do is forget about Lola and Trace in the next room and kiss every single part of her. I’m not at the point yet where I can be this close to her and not want to do anything.

My eyes snap open when I feel Emily rest her chin on my shoulder, her hands now only lightly massaging my lower back. “It looks really nice outside, huh?”

I force myself to focus on her words and look out the window. “Yeah,” I get out.

“Want to go out on the balcony?”

I jump at the chance to get out of our current position. It’s dangerous territory. “Sure.”

Stepping onto the balcony, I gulp in a few deep breaths of air, hoping it will help me clear my mind from the haze it was in while we were in the living room. I thought it was working until Emily comes out behind me, her shoulder bumping into my arm as she steps up beside me. Immediately, my mind is back to that place where I’m finding it hard to remember why I broke up with her in the first place. Trying to fight that off, I force myself to ask some boring questions.

“How’s work going?”

She doesn’t look at me but instead moves away from my side to the railing, leaning her elbows against it. “Fine. I might get to go to Florida for a photoshoot they’re doing there.”

“That’s cool.” I go to the railing as well but lean back against it and look into the apartment through the glass door. Trace and Lola are still nowhere in sight. “Is that a for sure thing?”

“No. I’ll find out next week if I’m going or the other make up girl.”

“It should be you. You’re awesome at what you do.”

She shrugs and doesn’t say anything. I figure she just wants silence and I’m content with that until I hear her sniff and glance over at her to see that she’s wiping the corner of her eye.

“Hey,” I say, reaching out my hand to touch her shoulder. “Are you alright?”

Her head drops down and when she lifts it back up, a few tears have made their way down her cheeks. Concern immediately goes through me.

“What’s wrong?”

She shakes her head and says nothing. I turn to face her and pull on her arm, bringing her to a standing position.

“What’s going on, Em?”

She brings up her hand to wipe her cheeks. Her eyes flicker across mine but then look to the side and she pulls her bottom lip in between her teeth. I run my hands up and down her bare arms, waiting for some kind of response.

She pulls in a shaky breath and shakes her head again. “I just miss us together so much.”

My heart literally aches in my chest and I swallow hard. “Me too.”

A breath exits her loudly and she sniffs, her head dropping again. I know I shouldn’t, but I pull her into a hug. A shiver goes through me when she puts her arms around me, slipping them underneath my jacket. This is how she always used to hug me when we were dating. It’s like she can’t stand so many layers of clothing separating us.

I move so I’m back to leaning against the railing, with her leaning into my body, her head on my chest. She’s not crying anymore, but I know she just needs this.

It’s so much easier to break up with a person if you just cut them out of your life. You can get rid of everything that reminds you of them pretend they never existed. But Emily and I can’t do that. Neither of us can live without the other one and in my mind it was never even a question that we wouldn’t go back to being best friends. But with being friends again comes moments like this where I want to comfort her as a friend but it’s pulling in all these old emotions that are interfering with me keeping distance from a romantic relationship.

Sighing a bit, I look up through the door and can see Trace and Lola back in the living room. They’re talking but then Trace looks up and makes eye contact with me. When I see him shake his head slightly, I look away. I don’t need him telling me that hugging Emily like this isn’t a good thing. I know it for myself. But that’s not making me move away from her.

Emily is making no move to pull back and I could seriously stay here with her like this forever. It’s like a slap in the face when my cell phone begins to ring and I recognize the ringtone as one I customized to Ben. For a second panic goes through me that he knows exactly where I am and what I’m doing but that’s quickly replaced with me telling myself to not be so stupid.

As soon as I make a move to reach into my pocket, Emily pulls back and steps to the side. All I want is to pull her back to me but I can’t just ignore the call.

“Hello?” I ask, keeping my eyes on Emily’s profile as she looks out from the railing.

“Hey. You guys almost done?”

“Yeah. We’ll leave soon. Do you still want a ride?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll give you a call when I’m a couple minutes away.”

“Sounds good. Bye.”

I hang up the phone and stare at it for a second before looking back at her. “Ben,” I say and she nods and then turns to go back inside. Sighing, I follow behind her. She doesn’t seem exactly mad. Just more…defeated, I guess. Like she just got the wind taken out of her sails.

“Ben called,” I say when we step back into the living room. “We should go.”

Trace gets up. “Yep.” He nods to Lola and Emily who joins her on the couch. “I won’t lie and say tonight was enjoyable, ladies, but at least the food was decent.”

Lola rolls her eyes and tosses a couch pillow at him but it misses him and hits my shoulder instead. I don’t say anything, knowing I probably deserve a whole lot worse. Sometimes I feel like it would just make everyone feel better if Emily just punched me in the face a few times. Like physical pain could somehow cover the emotional pain. If only that could be true.

My eyes are burning from staring at the glowing TV but I can’t make myself turn it off and try and sleep. I’ve been trying to fall asleep since midnight but after tossing and turning for two hours, I realized it was no use and turned on the television, hoping it would tire me out. So far, no luck.

Infomercials are a funny thing. If you watch them during the day, you can’t imagine ever wasting money on the ridiculous things they are selling. But when it’s the middle of the night, suddenly it feels like you can’t live without a knife that promises to cut through a cabinet door. I can’t tear my eyes away from the Magic Bullet infomercial and not only am I being more and more tempted to order one, the omelet they’re making is making my mouth water. If I didn’t think it would wake up Lola, I would get out of bed and make myself one.

I haven’t slept well for the past two nights. I’d like to just say it’s a small case of insomnia but I know my sleeplessness has a specific source named Justin Timberlake. Even when I manage to block him from my immediate thoughts, he’s always in the back of my mind, distracting me. And when I’m alone in my room and left to my own thoughts, sometimes he’s all I can think about.

I’m having trouble sleeping
You’re jumping in my bed
Twisting in my head

After Thursday it all started. I tried doing what Lola convinced me would work. I spent extra time getting ready that night and tried to show Justin just exactly what he was missing by breaking up with me. And I was doing a good job too until we were outside on the balcony and all of a sudden it all came back to me that we were broken up and he was resisting my attempts to sway him back into my arms. And then I started feeling like crap for not respecting what his choice about our relationship and trying to get him to date me again.

I know as the ex girlfriend, I have every right to not accept his decision and do whatever the hell I feel like to change his mind. But as his best friend, which is what I was before and is what I’m trying to go back to being, I don’t have that right. I’ve always told him I support any decision he makes and right then I wasn’t doing that.

So as hard as it was, I stopped what I was doing and I haven’t really talked to him since then. He called on Friday to see if I wanted to go to a movie with him and Becca but I declined, not ready to see him. And now it feels like a painfully long time since I’ve seen him and I don’t know if I’m currently missing him as my boyfriend or missing him as my best friend or maybe a combination of the two.

My hand is reaching for my cell phone to place an order for my very own Magic Bullet when it vibrates and causes me to jump, bumping my head against my headboard. Wincing a bit, I half sit up and bring one hand to my throbbing head and the other reaches to my cell phone. I know of only one person who would be inconsiderate enough to text someone at two in the morning and I wait until I’m settled back in bed before opening the message.

I just ordered Memory Foam Slippers.

A smile edges across my face before I can stop it. While I know many people who watch infomercials when they can’t sleep, Justin’s the only one like me who is actually stupid enough to buy the stuff.

Rolling onto my back, my fingers move across the keypad as I message him back.

I was just about to get the Magic Bullet. Since when do you wear slippers?

I only have to wait a minute before I get a response, the phone vibration welcoming this time.

I don’t wear slippers. The girl was really convincing and I couldn’t stop myself. The Magic Bullet’s amazing. Get it.

This time a soft laugh escapes me. Of course he would have the Magic Bullet.

Maybe next time. Can I have those slippers when you get them?

It’s been three days since I’ve really talked to him and I had forgotten how much I missed just joking around with him. I can’t deprive myself of it any longer.

The TV forgotten, my eyes now focus on the screen of my cell phone, waiting for his response. It comes a few seconds later.

Sure. Why are you awake?

Probably the exact same reason he is…

Can’t sleep. You?

Texting with him has actually eased my nerves a bit. Sometimes when you can’t sleep, you feel like you’re the only person in the world still awake. Knowing someone else is awake with me is comforting.

Justin seems to be getting faster with his text messages because I’ve barely sent mine when I get his reply.

Same. Awake enough to go for a walk if I come over there?

I stare at the screen for a second before slowly texting back an affirmative reply. It hurts less to see him than it does to not and being in his company is better than laying in bed alone.

Sweet. Be there in fifteen.

As soon as I get his ETA I shut off the TV and throw back the covers over me. I change into a pair of jeans and a t shirt and then left my room. As quietly as possible I move through the dark apartment. I still have a while before he gets here but I can’t stand being in the apartment any longer so I shove my feet in a pair of my favorite flip flops and leave.

It’s dark and silent outside and I sink down to sit on the edge of the curb as I wait for Justin. Sitting outside in LA in the middle of the night probably isn’t the wisest thing to do but sometimes the smart thing to do escapes you when you’re sleep deprived.

I had my chin resting on my knees and was staring at the pavement in the process of zoning out when the bright light from headlights pulls me back into the present. Lifting my head, I see Justin’s car pulling into the parking lot and jump up. He stops in front of me and leans over to unlock the passenger’s side door.

“You shouldn’t be outside by yourself in the middle of the night.”

I smile at his greeting and do up my seat belt. “Thanks, Dad.”

He rolls his eyes as he turns the car around. “So where are we going?”

“Surprise me,” I say, leaning back in my seat. I run my hands up and down my thighs and turn to him. “So did you buy anything else besides those slippers?”

His eyes crinkle up as he smiles. “Not tonight. Last night I got the Extreme Beam Flashlight though. Should be delivered within a few days.”

I laugh. “Are you having some major insomnia issues or something?”

He gives the kind of shrug that is meant to look nonchalant but I know him well enough to know there’s more behind it. “I guess I am.”

I don’t comment on the fact that he’s obviously holding something back because I already think I have a pretty good idea on what it is. Neither of us has to verbalize the giant elephant sitting in the backseat.

Justin takes into the residential and to an elementary school. We walk across the field to the playground and settle down side by side on a wooden platform by the slide.

When you’re hanging out with a friend, you’re bound to have some good conversation. But there’re always things hindering the ability to focus all your attention on the other person. Whether that’s music playing in the background, or people milling around you, or time restraints in a busy day.

But there’s something about being outside in the middle of the night where all those distractions fade away. Lola and I are convinced that the best talks happen around campfires but talks that happen while sitting in a deserted park aren’t far behind. When it’s just you and the other person and it seems like the world is asleep around you, you have the ability to lose inhibition and say everything you haven’t been able to say during the day.

I’m not the least bit tired as I sit here with Justin. Later, I don’t even remember all of what we talked about but I can honestly say that I’ve never felt more connected to him that I do at this moment. And because of that, along with my loosened inhibitions, when a longer moment of silence hit us around four am, I couldn’t stop the words from exiting my mouth.

“Kiss me.”

Justin stops picking the bark off the stick he’s holding and his head jerks to look at me. He looks utterly shocked. “What?”

“Kiss me,” I repeat, the words sounding a little less sure this time.

He wets his lips and takes a deep breath. “Em…”

I keep talking, the words coming out fast as I try and keep him from thinking too much. “It doesn’t have to mean anything. It won’t change anything and tomorrow we’ll just forget about it. It just is what it is.”

He’s still just staring at me and I can see a silent battle going on in his head. I turn my body so I’m facing him more.

“I just need something.” The statement is so honest and raw coming from my lips that I feel like bits of my still broken heart are falling out with those words.

Justin opens his mouth as if to say something and then shakes his head. I can feel myself blanch a bit at this rejection that isn’t supposed to happen. Maybe if we were just hanging out during the day but not now. Not in the middle of the night when we’re sitting in this deserted park and having one of the most honest conversations of my life.

I can’t even hold his eye contact and my eyes move down to stare at the wooden planks we’re sitting on. I’m fighting off tears when a warm hand is suddenly cupping the side of my face. My eyes immediately raise and meet Justin’s. His face is close and he’s bringing mine closer and then his lips brush against mine.

The only way I can describe it is the refreshing feeling of a glass of ice water on a hot day. His lips against mine are sending this relief through me that I hadn’t even known I was looking for.

You would think that after so long apart, this kiss would be almost frantic, trying to get as much in as possible before having to come back to reality. But Justin’s kissing me so languidly, his lips moving achingly slow across mine. But somehow that’s exactly perfect.

The kiss doesn’t last long, which in retrospect was probably best. When he pulls away, he doesn’t pull far, only enough for his lips to separate from mine. He leans his forehead against mine and I can feel his breath against my lips. Not opening my eyes, I lean my face into the palm he still has resting against my cheek and a small sigh escapes me.

The solace of the night is still keeping my inhibitions low and I move my head ahead enough to barely kiss his lips and then retreat an inch back. “I wish we could just run away,” I say, the words so soft they would have been lost in the air if he wasn’t so close to me.

My eyes are closed but I can hear him give a small smile. “Me too. Maybe one day?”

“Maybe.”

We stay close together for a few more minutes before I pull back. I’m going to be true to my word and not make this mean anything. It is what it is and now it’s over.

We stay in the park until the sun begins to rise. The light of a new day breaks the quiet reassurance of the night and without saying anything, we both know it’s time to leave.

It’s moments like tonight that I know we’ll never be able to duplicate and any detailed memories of which will fade over time. But it’s given me a bit of comfort. Even some closure. And at this point, I’ll take what I can get.

Trouble Sleeping-The Perishers

“Oh, come ON! That was such a foul!” My hands go to my hips and I glance around at my fellow players. “Uh, HELLO?”

The fact that I’m currently being ignored by the three other people on the court shouldn’t be that big of a surprise. I knew when I agreed to play basketball with Justin, Trace, and Ben that this was going to happen. It’s not the first time I’ve done it and they gang up against me. Even Trace who is supposedly my teammate.

If I were smart, I would just quit now and go sit by the pool with Becca. But I have too much competitiveness in me to leave in the middle of the game. So instead, I suck it up and pass the ball to Trace, probably a little harder than necessary. Whatever, he deserves it for hip checking me.

This game isn’t even fair anyways. I get stuck on the team with Trace who’s only like two inches taller than me which is only adding to his suckiness while Justin and Ben get to play together. And they play basketball together all the time and know each other’s moves and there’s really no hope for Trace and I. Becca’s already yelled that a few times from the sidelines but it wasn’t really sinking in until now.

When the score is 37 to 11 and sweat is running down my back, I’m ready to quit. And then when Trace bumps into me and sends me sprawling on the ground that about does it for me.

There’s pain in my knee from where I hit the pavement but I’m so tired that I don’t even bother checking the damage and instead curl up in a ball on the court.

“Em, you okay?”

I swat my hand at the air, as if that will shoo Justin’s voice away. “Leave me alone. You guys all suck.”

“Shit, Trace, you made her bleed.”

“I barely touched her! Em, are you alright?”

I don’t respond to either Ben or Trace and instead roll onto my back and bring my hands to block the sun. Squinting my eyes open, I take in everyone standing above me, including Becca who’s now joined the mix.

“That was SUCH a foul,” I mumble for the second time in the past five minutes and then shut my eyes again.

“I’m not sure if you can technically call a foul on a player on your own team,” Trace starts but shuts his mouth pretty quickly when I narrow my eyes at him. Smart boy.

“Can you get up?” Becca asks.

I’m so tired that I’d like to just stay laying here for a few more days but the possibility of sweat dripping onto me from one of the guys as they lean over me is becoming a large and disgusting threat. I accept Justin’s outstretched hand and let him pull me into a standing position. Once I’m up I lean over and examine my knee.

“You actually did make me bleed,” I say, punching Trace in the arm. “Jerk.”

“Hey!” he exclaims, grabbing his arm. “I didn’t intentionally push you down.”

I don’t verbally answer but instead merely point to my knee. “Jerk.”

“You should clean that cut out,” Becca says, going into full nurse mode. “Do you have any rubbing alcohol, Justin?”

“Somewhere. I can find it.”

I begin to hobble towards the door and after a few steps Justin joins me.

“Are you actually okay?” he asks as we walk away from everyone.

I nod. “Yeah. But I’m thinking of drawing it out and make Trace feel really bad.”

He laughs and holds open the patio door for me. “Good idea. He deserves it for body checking you.”

“Oh like you and Ben were any better,” I say, wincing a bit as we climb the stairs to the second floor. “If I didn’t have excellent balance I would have been on the ground every time you guys ‘accidentally’ ran into me.”

He throws a grin over his shoulder at me and shrugs. “It’s not like this is the first time you’ve played with us.”

So maybe that’s true and maybe I knew what I was getting myself into. “I’m never playing on Trace’s team ever again.”

Justin merely shrugs again and leads me into his bathroom. I sit on the counter and wait as he squats down and rummages through the cabinet under the sink.

“Are you planning on feeding us all because I’m starving,” I say as I stare at the top of his head.

“You should cook us something.”

“Cook you hooligans something after you guys abuse me?” I ask. “You’re joking, right?”

Justin straightens, smiling. “Abuse is a bit harsh, Chief.”

“Are you seriously saying that as my knee is bleeding?” I ask and make a grab for the bottle of rubbing alcohol he has in his hand. He shakes his head.

“I got it. We’re the one’s who ‘abused’ you, after all.”

I laugh and lean back, using my palms on the counter to support me. I watch Justin pour some rubbing alcohol on a cotton ball and then press it to my knee. It stings and I wince a bit but don’t say anything. He’s just going to make fun of me if I make a big deal out of it.

“Is it bad?” I ask, leaning forward to try and see it.

“Not too bad.” He pulls away the cotton ball and replaces it with a couple bandaids. “I think you’ll make it.”

“I better or who’s going to make you guys something to eat?”

He straightens with a smile. “You’re going to make us something to eat?”

“I suppose. I’m taking it you have food in the house.”

“Some.” He falls silent and my brow furrows a bit. He’s just standing here staring at me. This isn’t the first time he’s done it but there’s just something different about it this time. I can’t handle it for long and within a minute of the quiet, I move to the edge of the counter to get down. Problem is, when I slide off, he doesn’t move back and suddenly I’m flush against him. My lips part, about to ask him what’s going on, but it’s as if that’s what he’s been waiting for and suddenly his lips are crushed against mine.

And I didn’t even have to ask for him to kiss me this time.

Obviously this is a stupid thing to be doing. I know where Justin stands on the whole relationship thing and I know there’s a massive chance that this is going to change nothing. But does that really stop me from wrapping my arms around his neck and kissing him back? Yeah right.

Justin’s lips never leave mine but his hands travel down to my hips and then he’s hoisting me back onto the counter and stepping in between my legs, bringing us even closer together if that’s possible. I’m kissing him back as much as possible, as if trying to make up for lost time.

I wish it could just stay like this. When we’re alone, things are perfect. If it wasn’t for Ben, it could always be like this. There wouldn’t have to be any worry about secrets or about friendships being ruined. It would just be Justin and I and nothing else would matter.

Justin’s lips pull away from mine so suddenly that I’m not even a bit prepared for it. My eyes snap open to see him breathing heavily. His head is dropped down to his chest and I wish I could see his eyes so I could figure out what’s going on in his head. I don’t even bother to try and verbalize my thoughts, knowing he should be the one who speaks first.

It’s quiet for too long and I’m about to demand him to say something when he lifts his head. My words die in my throat as his eyes search mine.

“That was really stupid of me,” he says. “Shit, just when things are going back to normal I mess it up like that.”

I push aside a flippant answer, figuring that this would be the time to be honest. “That wasn’t messing anything up,” I say. A sad sigh escapes me. “That was so perfect.”

He gives a rueful smile and runs his hand down my cheek before dropping it to his side. “Which is what sucks. It would be easier if that was horrible.”

I smile even though I know I shouldn’t. I KNOW that I shouldn’t be okay with what’s going on here. I KNOW that I should be mad at Justin for doing this to me again. I KNOW that he could just tell Ben and we wouldn’t have to be doing this.

Sometimes you can know all these logical things but then a stupid thing called love blinds you to everything. I can try and will up these emotions in me to be upset but it’s like I just can’t find the motivation to do it. At least I know that’s sad and pathetic. I guess that’s a step in the right direction.

“So what is this, Justin?” I make myself ask, my words sounding so formal in the air.

He presses his lips together and then releases them and I’m itching to kiss them again. “I don’t know.” His eyes meet mine head on. “I just don’t know what to do, Em. I’m tired of screwing you over like this…but I don’t know.”

“You’re not screwing me over,” I say but it’s kind of true. I shouldn’t even argue with it so I shut my mouth.

“Yeah I am,” he sighs. “And I’m sorry. I’m trying to just get things back to normal but when I’m around you it’s like I can’t even control myself.”

I know it’s taking a lot out of him to say all this. He’s so private with his emotions and he hates letting people see any of his weaknesses. I don’t even know how to respond to his words so instead I lean forward and wrap my arms around him, resting my forehead on his shoulder. His arms go around me and he pulls me tight against him.

“It’s not like I was complaining,” I finally mumble into his shoulder.

“No you weren’t,” he says, a smile obvious in his voice. I feel him kiss the top of my head and I lift it and accept his warm lips against mine again. The kiss is less intense this time but still leaves me feeling a little weak.

He pulls back after a minute, his mouth already forming an apology. I cut him off before he can get any words out.

“Don’t. Let’s just leave this at what it is.” I want to just demand something, some kind of commitment, but I know this way we can avoid reliving any bad emotions.

He stares at me for a minute, his eyes flickering down to my lips a couple times. “It is what it is?”

I smile a bit as he repeats my words from a few days prior. “Exactly.” I could just leave it at that but I have to say the next words so he knows this won’t always be cool. “For now, it is what it is.”

He stares at me for a bit longer and then eventually nods. “Okay.”

I give him a push, sending him back a foot backwards and then hop off the counter. “Everyone’s-”

“Going to wonder where we are,” he finishes for me and nods. He opens the bathroom door and I follow behind him downstairs. “What are you going to cook?”

“I don’t know. What will people want?”

He just shrugs and we walk through the kitchen and back outside. Everyone is sitting on lawn chairs around the pool and they all look towards us as we walk over.

“Took you long enough,” Trace says. “I thought maybe you were amputating the leg or something.”

“I’m sorry it took so long to pick the GRAVEL out of my skin,” I respond, sitting down in an empty chair.

Trace laughs. “You’re so dramatic.” He gestures to my knee. “It’s like a scratch.”

“It doesn’t look bad but it still hurts,” I say, reaching my uninjured leg out to kick his foot. “You know, usually the person who caused the injury has a little more sympathy.”

Trace looks like he’s ready to respond but before he can, Becca, who has been staring at me ever since I sat down, suddenly grabs my arms and drags me up to stand with her.

“Uhh…” Ben says and all three guys look at us confused.

“Feminine issues!” Becca announces and then drags me across the yard.

“If you need a tampon you can just ask,” I manage to get out as I stumble behind her. “They don’t care.”

Becca says nothing until we’re in the house. She then points an accusatory finger at me. “Your lips are suddenly very red.”

My face goes suddenly very red as well and my hand shoots up to my face to cover my mouth. “Um.”

Becca crosses her arms over her chest. “What ever happened to you guys being broken up?”

The one good thing about Becca knowing about Justin and my relationship was that when we broke up, I didn’t have to pretend like nothing had happened when I was around her. I had confided everything in her and she knew almost every single messy detail.

“Um…”

Her eyebrows rise. “Um? Seriously, that’s all you can say? Are you guys hooking up again?”

“No. I mean…not really. We just…kissed.” I begin to bite my lower lip but then quickly release it. That’s probably not going to help the redness situation any. “It doesn’t mean anything.”

“You don’t just kiss the guy you just broke up with and have it mean nothing! It means a lot!”

I wince a bit at Becca’s loud voice but don’t bother stopping her. I know I’m being stupid and I deserve to have someone yell at me. “Okay.”

“No, not okay. If he can’t get the courage to tell Ben that he’s in love with you than screw him! Don’t let him walk all over you like this! You deserve better.”

“Okay,” I repeat. “I know.”

“Then don’t let him get near you again until he’s grown a set of balls.” Her eyes narrow at me. “This is the first time this has happened, right?”

“Yeah. Well, kind of. A couple days ago there was this thing…”

“You’re JOKING right? Why…” She shakes her head. “You know what, I don’t even want to know.” She takes a deep breath and drops her arms to her side. “Don’t let him do this to you again, Em. Do you really want to go through all that hurt again?”

I slowly shake my head.

“Good. I know he’s charming and shit but just use your head when you’re around him, okay?”

I nod and lean back against the counter as Becca shakes her head one last time and then goes back outside, leaving me alone in the kitchen.

Funny how someone can say things that make so much sense and are so completely logical and yet I know next time I’m with Justin, all those things are going to be so far out of my mind I won’t even know they exist.

I wish you were a stranger I could disengage...

All At Once-The Fray
Over My Head-The Fray

“When people break up they typically give back the keys to each others apartments.”

My defenses immediately go up at the sound of Lola’s slightly hostile voice. Taking a deep breath, I look up from my cell phone to find her standing in front of me, a scowl on her face. She looks ready to fight and I’m not in the mood for it today. I put my cell phone in my pocket and then slowly, deliberately, I make a show of taking the key to the apartment off my keychain and hold it out to her, raising an eyebrow.

Her eyes narrow a bit and she steps forward to snatch it from me. “She’s not home from work yet.”

“I can wait,” I say evenly. “Unless you also have an issue with that.”

She rolls her eyes and turns to walk back to her room. She only gets a few steps before spinning on her heel. “You know, I’d just like to say that I think it’s a pretty rotten thing you’re doing to Emily.”

Oh good. Not only do I get her attitude, I get her opinion too. “Pardon me?”

“She tells me stuff, okay? I know that you kissed her when she was over at your house last week. And I know that you did the same thing yesterday when you went to see that movie together.”

Yeah, so it happened again. But it wasn’t all my fault. We were in the back of the theater and the movie was boring and she was sitting so close and smelling so good. I couldn’t help it. And it’s not like I’m forcing myself on her or anything. She’s involved just as much as I am. I had made myself pull away at one point but she just kissed me and brought me back in.

“It’s between me and Emily.”

“No it’s not! You’re hurting my best friend and I’m the one who has to pick up the pieces for her.”

I am so not in the mood for this. “I’m not hurting her.”

Lola gives me a disbelieving look. “You date her, you BREAK UP with her because of her ex boyfriend and now you’re what? Randomly making out with her and saying you guys are only friends? You really think that’s not hurting her?”

What she’s saying could be true but if it were, wouldn’t Emily have said something? I know I hurt her when I broke up with her but she’s never made it seem like all this recent stuff is doing anything to her. She’s almost given it this casual friends with benefits feeling.

“Look-”

“For someone claiming to be one of her best friends it sure doesn’t seem like you give two shits about her feelings.”

I can only take people yelling at me about shit they don’t know about for so long and I’ve just reached my breaking point with Lola. “LOOK,” I say loudly, using a tone in my voice to warn her to let me talk and not interrupt me. “What’s happening is between me and Emily. She’s a big girl and if I’m hurting her she will tell me. Neither she nor I need YOU to butt in and give your opinion.”

Lola’s eyes grow wide. “I can say whatever I want.”

“And I can choose not to listen to a word of it.” I don’t want to fight with Lola and at this point I should just walk out of the apartment and call Emily to see where she’s at. But I’m pissed off and not exactly thinking straight and I want to see how far exactly Lola is going to take this.

“She doesn’t tell you enough, but you breaking up with her was a really shitty thing to do.”

Like I need anyone to tell me that. “Thanks for the update.”

Lola’s eyes narrow at me. “And you know, maybe if you had at least a good reason to break up it would be a bit better. But you have no logical reason to have done it.”

This is unbelievable. “Have you been living under a ROCK and missed the fact that Emily is Ben’s ex?”

She rolls her eyes. “We’re all aware that Emily is Ben’s ex, Justin. Stop pulling out this Ben bullshit as an actual reason to dump Emily.”

I can’t believe I’m even hearing this. Why am I the only one who thinks secretly dating your best friend’s ex girlfriend is a bad idea. “It’s not bullshit,” I growl out. “If that’s not a damn good reason to break up with someone, I don’t know what is.”

She crosses her arms over her chest. “Who even cares if Ben decides to disown you for dating Emily. Why is he even important? He’s a cheating asshole.”

Some loyalty flared up in me and my jaw clenched. “Ben may have cheated but he is one of my best friends. Not that I should have to explain this to you but I have been friends with him for ten years and he has ALWAYS been there for me and never betrayed me. And it’s not easy for me to find a person like that, okay?!” I’m yelling at this point but I’m so mad that lowering my voice isn’t even an option. “I don’t care if you can’t understand why I would be loyal to Ben. You can think whatever the hell you want to about what I did. But don’t get in my face and talk about things you know shit about!”

If I hear one more word out of her mouth, I’ll probably lose it. So I do the smart thing and stalk out of the apartment, slamming the door behind me. I think it’s safe to assume that I’m no longer welcome in their apartment so I guess I’ll just have to find another way to see Emily.

* * *

Lola is sitting on the couch glaring at the TV when I walk into our apartment. I glance at the screen and my eyebrows rise. She looks ready to kill someone and I don’t know how watching an episode of Friends is pissing her off this much.

“Hey,” I say, dropping my purse on the loveseat. I shrug off my coat and then start towards the kitchen. “What are you doing for supper?” I call over my shoulder as my eyes scan the mostly empty fridge. I’ve been slacking on going to the grocery store and Lola’s been surviving off cereal. I should go tomorrow.

I get no response to my question and I look in the direction of the living room and then back to the fridge. Wonder what’s wrong with her.

When the only feasible thing in the fridge to eat is some questionable pasta from a week ago, I shut the door and go over the drawer where we keep take out menus. “I’m going to order something,” I call. “Do you want something?”

Instead of silence, this time I hear her shut off the TV and get up. A minute later she comes into the kitchen and leans against the counter. “Chinese food?”

I shrug and start look for that menu. “Okay.” I quickly find it and start to scan my eyes over it. “Do you know if Justin called here? He said he would yesterday but I haven’t heard from him yet.”

“I’m pretty sure I want nothing to do with that ass.”

My eyes shoot up from the menu at her words and the way in which she says them. “What?”

“He came over here like an hour ago and yelled at me.”

My brow furrowed and I lowered the now forgotten about menu to the counter. “He did? Why?”

She rolls her eyes and hops up to sit on the counter, leaning her head back against the cupboards behind her. “He just comes waltzing in here like he owns the place so I asked for the key back and he was a jerk about giving it to me and then I said that he was an ass about all this shit that’s gone on in the past week with him kissing you.”

I sigh and slump back against the counter across from her. “It’s not like that’s all his fault, Lola. I’m there too.”

“If he’s the one who broke up with you, he should be the one who isn’t allowing those type of things to happen. It’s his fault. And then I mentioned something about how Ben is a cheater and he blew up at me and yelled about how loyal Ben is to him or some shit like that. I stopped listening and then he just left.”

Suppressing a groan, I shut my eyes briefly and then focused them back on Lola. “You know, you were the one who told me to go after him and make him want me back.”

“Yeah, I know. But that’s not what’s happening. He should want you back and tell Ben all about it. Not just make out with you randomly and leave it at that.”

“It’s not exactly like that.”

“Yes it is. Do you ever think about how ALL of this would go away if someone just told Ben? I could just call him and do it.”

“Don’t,” I quickly warned. “Don’t.”

She rolls her eyes again and slides off the counter. She takes the menu from my hand and glances at it. “I don’t care what else you get as long as you get lemon chicken,” she states and then leaves the kitchen. A second later, the TV’s back on.

I truly appreciate Lola’s honesty and her loyalty to me and her consideration for my feelings. But she doesn’t understand what’s going on between Justin and I. Hell, I don’t even really understand it. We’re not exactly friends, we’re not going out. It’s this weird limbo stage that I don’t know how to get out of.

I wonder how mad exactly Justin is still. Lola can be a little blunt when she’s mad and she probably wasn’t easy on him. But it’s still not all his fault. I’m not exactly pushing him away when he’s kissing me or telling him to stop. Yesterday I even kept it going when he had stopped. Neither of us are innocent.

I choose not to bring up the topic of Justin at all while Lola and I eat our food and watch TV. At this point, we can’t agree on it and I don’t want to sit here and fight about it with her.

When I finish cleaning up the food once we’re done and I grab my coat and keys, I don’t mention that I’m going over to Justin’s. From the look Lola gives me, I know that she knows my destination. But for the time being it seems like she’s butting out and letting me do what I want.

Justin doesn’t exactly look happy when he opens the door but when he sees me, his face relaxes and a smile slides over his lips. “Hey,” he says, opening the door all the way so I can come in.

“Hi.” The urge to stand on my toes and kiss him is huge but I fight it and step a bit away from him and push my shoes off my feet. “What are you doing?”

He shrugs. “I was watching TV.”

I walk with him through the front hallway to the entertainment room where the TV is on with the volume muted. “You never called me,” I say and keep going before he can answer. “Is it because you got in a fight with Lola?”

His face darkens a bit and he looks away from me. “She told you about that.”

“Yeah she did.”

“So are you pissed off at me too?”

“No.” His eyes meet mine again at my answer and I give him a small smile. “I don’t know what this is between us and neither do you. But we’re both responsible for it. Not just you.”

He immediately looks better and pulls me down to sit next to him on the couch. “Then let’s forget about it and watch TV.”

I know I should be demanding answers about the status of whatever we are. I deserve that much. But it’s much easier to fall back into the soft couch cushions and curl up under the blanket Justin offers me and mindlessly lose myself in TV.

My lack of sleep from the past week is finally catching up to me and sitting in a dark room with the sound coming from the TV creating a gentle lull is enough to put me half asleep. And when you’re half asleep, thinking rationally doesn’t come easily. So when the TV is suddenly off and Justin’s voice in my ear asks me if I want to spend the night, nodding seemed like the easiest thing I could do.

I don’t fully realize what’s going on until I’m in some of Justin’s boxers and an old t shirt and listening to the sound of him brushing his teeth in the bathroom as I lay in the center of his massive bed. I know this isn’t helping things. Friends generally don’t sleep in the same bed together like this and friends is what we’re supposed to be. Nothing more. Being here is just going to complicate things a little more.

It’s easy to know all this but climbing out of this warm bed seems as hard as climbing Mount Everest would be. So instead I snuggle further into the mattress and pull a pillow tight to my chest as I turn onto my side and close my eyes. I’ve drifted into that pleasant half asleep state when the mattress dips with extra weight. I force open an eye and watch Justin climb into bed and move across the mattress over to me. He plucks the pillow from in between us and then pulls me against him. I sigh a bit and rest my forehead against his shoulder.

“Is this really helping anything?”

The words in the air surprise me when I realize they came from my own mouth. I didn’t mean to say that out loud.

“Probably not,” Justin responds. “Should I drive you home?”

Stupid question. “No.”

His one arm goes around me at that point and I feel like I’m floating in a pile of clouds with only his firm weight against me. If it wasn’t for all the complicated shit surrounding us, I would say that this is heaven.

Weather has the power to change my moods. When it’s sunny and hot outside I’m almost incapable of being in a bad mood. How can you be when there are no clouds in the sky and it literally feels like the sun is kissing your skin? On those days I feel like nothing can possibly go wrong.

But then you get a day like today when it’s been pouring ever since I woke up. I got up and took one look at the gloomy outdoors and all I wanted to do was crawl back into bed, pull the covers over my head, and sleep the day away. The sky is crying and it’s making me want to let out some tears too.

There are certain moments of clarity of your life and mine came at 7:04 on a cold, rainy Saturday morning.

Being with Justin the way I am is a mistake. Not being with Justin at all is a mistake. With the current situation and my current feelings towards him there is no happy medium. There is only this teeter-totter of emotions that I can’t find a balance for.

And I feel stupid for letting it go on like this. I know I’m getting too invested in my relationship with him again and that I’m ultimately hurting myself. I think that Lola and Becca don’t understand that I get what I’m doing to myself. I’m not completely oblivious. And when I’m away from Justin I get a burst of will and I feel like I could end anything I wanted at any given time. But then when I’m with him I lose all that and I can’t imagine saying or doing anything that would take me away from everything that Justin and I share.

How do you just give up on someone you love? Even when the situation is so much less than ideal, it doesn’t take away from the fact that I truly do love him. I love him so much it hurts. And I know it would hurt more to have to break that love than it does to have to hide it from everyone else.

I’m getting antsy just laying in bed so I push back the covers I had just previously pulled back over me and stand up. Lola had a date with Mitch last night and never came home and the apartment is silent. I go into the bathroom and put the plug in the bathtub. A shower would definitely be quicker but I’m hoping a bath will be more soothing.

I didn’t bother with my contacts or my glasses before slipping into the hot water. Sometimes blurry is just better.

As I stretch out in the tub I try and picture what my life would be like if I just cut off Justin completely. I wouldn’t have to talk to him on the phone or go over to his house or come home and find him randomly sitting in my living room or taking a nap in my bed. I could limit the time we see each other to group get togethers.

The thought of that makes me want to either throw up or cry. Maybe both. I cannot just cut him from my life like that. How do you cut your best friend from your life and just continue on?

But at the same time, how can I go on like this? It seems both Justin and I are purposely avoiding the talk about what our relationship currently is. It’s just easier to go with the moment than try and put a label on things that neither of us can agree on.

Can Ben just go away and then none of this will even be an issue?

I sit in the tub until my skin is wrinkling up and the water has turned lukewarm. It seems to take so much extra effort to pull myself up and wrap my terry cloth robe around me. The weather officially brought me down this morning and sitting here thinking for the past thirty minutes hasn’t exactly helped the situation.

I’m just twisting my wet hair up in a clip when I hear the front door slam and Lola yelling my name. I tighten the belt of my robe and then open the bathroom door and slowly walk out. It just takes one second before I’m taken in the flurry that is currently Lola.

“Em! I was right! He asked!”

After dating for two years, Lola and Mitch are super serious and she had been telling me for the past month that she thought he was going to propose. Then last night when he was taking her out to a fancy restaurant, she had told me that she was sure it was going to be the night. From the huge rock on her engagement finger, I guess she was right.

My mood may have sucked, but it’s hard not to be excited for your best friend when she gets engaged. A smile breaks onto my face and I pull her into a hug.

“I knew it! Tell me all about it!”

For the next hour I lived vicariously through Lola as she told me about her amazing night and Mitch’s romantic proposal. She was completely glowing. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her so happy. And I’m so happy for her too. She and Mitch are perfect for each other and even after I had only met him a couple times, I could picture them someday married.

“We should go out and celebrate tonight,” I say once Lola had finished telling me about her night.

“Totally! I was thinking that too. Maybe go out for a really nice dinner? I could call and see if that party room at Franco’s is open and we could rent that out.”

“That’d be fun. Who do you want there?”

Lola started listing off names, most of whom I expected. When Justin’s name exited her mouth, I couldn’t stop my eyebrows from rising.

“Really?”

“Didn’t I tell you he called me last night and apologized for yelling at me on Thursday.”

“He did?”

“Yeah. He said that he shouldn’t have been rude and that I caught him at a bad moment but that that isn’t an excuse. He sounded really sincere.”

I smile a bit. “Well he likes you, Lola. He doesn’t want you to hate him.”

“I never hated him. He’s being a jerk and he was rude to me but at least he apologized for it.”

“So you want him there tonight?”

“Sure. You want him there, right?”

I shrug and bring up my hand to examine my nails.

“Do you not want him there?”

“No, invite him. I guess it would be weird if you didn’t.”

“Is he why you’re looking so bummed this morning?”

I sigh and play with a loose string on the sleeve of my robe. “Yeah.”

“Want to talk about it?”

I don’t want to tell her about my depressing drama when she should be all excited about her engagement. This is my problem and she shouldn’t have to worry about it. Not today. I force a smile onto my face.

“No. It’s fine.”

“You’re sure?”

No. “Yeah.”

Lola jumps up from the couch. “Okay well I have to go shower and then go to my parents. Are you going to chill here for a while?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll give you a call when plans for tonight are final.”

“Okay.”

I turn my head to stare out the window as Lola goes into the bathroom and shuts the door behind her. The rain’s turned a bit violent and is pounding against the window with the wind blowing the trees. I’m so glad I don’t have to go to work today. I can hardly find the strength to lift my head off the back of the couch, let alone be at all productive.

I wonder if Justin will even come tonight. I haven’t seen him for a couple days now and I feel like it’s going to be strange to hang out with him in a big group. Almost every time we’ve hung out over the past couple weeks we’ve been alone and we can do whatever we want and don’t have to hide the fact that at one point we dated. I’m going to have to go back to watching myself and what I say tonight.

* * *

I give it a full minute in between when Emily leaves the table to go to the washroom and when I push back my chair and excuse myself from the group. Nobody seems to think twice about it and I quickly make my way through the restaurant and to the back hallway where the bathrooms are. I lean against the wall opposite the women’s washroom, waiting for Emily.

It’s been hard to keep conversation light with her tonight. She looks particularly good and ever since I rested my eyes on her, I haven’t been able to look away. It’s been torture to not be sitting right next to her. Most of her attention’s been directed towards Lola and I really need some of her attention for myself.

The door opens and I smile when Emily steps out. Her steps halt when her eyes land on me.

“What are you doing out here?”

I glance behind her into the bathroom and when I see that it looks empty, I step towards her and give her a nudge back in. She stays silent and let’s me push the door shut behind us.

“What?” she questions once we’re alone.

I shrug and smile. “Ever feel like we haven’t gotten to even carry on a conversation together with all those other people out there?”

She arches an eyebrow. “And so you came to the women’s bathroom to carry on a conversation?”

I laugh slightly. “I thought this was the most appropriate place to do so.”

She smiles but it falters slightly when I loop my finger in the front loop of her jeans and tug her closer to me. I wait until her face loses the sudden uncertainness on it and then lean down and brush my lips against hers. Everything is right in the world when her hands trail up my sides and her lips move against mine.

We might kiss when we are alone
When nobody’s watching
We might make out when nobody’s there

This is stupid to be doing this. Anyone could walk in at any given moment. Like I really care at this point though.

Emily pulls back after a minute with a small laugh. “Is this how you normally carry on conversation?”

I grin down at her. “Of course. Haven’t you ever noticed that before?”

“I must have missed that.”

I lean down and kiss her briefly and then pull back again so I can see her face. “So I’m glad Lola forgave me for snapping at her and invited me tonight.”

“Yeah. It was nice of you to apologize.”

I shrug, playing it off. Like it was no big deal to suck up my pride and apologize for yelling at her when secretly, I’m kind of glad I did simply because I still feel that what I said needed to be said. “It was the right thing to do.”

“She was glad you did.”

“It’s really great about her and Mitch huh? I’m happy for them.”

At the mention of Lola and Mitch, Emily’s face brightens but only for a second before falling. She looks like she’s trying to hide that emotion and my brow furrows as I can actually see a series of emotions struggle for face time. Her eyes look down at the small space in between us and I can no longer read her emotions.

“Why do you look less than happy?” I ask, trying to take a stab at her emotional state. “Do you have a thing for Mitch that no one knows about?”

She doesn’t smile at my feeble attempt at a joke but instead pulls at my hand until I unhook my fingers from her belt loops. Once free, she steps back and goes over to the sink. I watch her stare at her reflection in the mirror for almost a full minute before she gives her head a shake and turns back around.

“Everyone’s going to wonder where we went,” she says, her face unreadable.

“But-”

She brushes past me, not even pausing when I reach out to touch her arm. She opens the door and then turns back to look at me.

“Are you coming?”

I give her a weird look but follow her anyways. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her mood switch so fast. One minute she’s playful and laughing and the next she’s completely somber like someone just died. She’s making no sense.

We rejoin the table and except for the narrowed eyes from Trace, no one seems to have made any notice of our absence. I’m distracted the entire rest of the meal, my mind not being able to tear away from what happened in the bathroom. Even now, while Emily seems to be having a great time with everyone, I can tell she’s putting on a show. When she smiles, her eyes aren’t crinkling up like they always do and her laugh is quiet. When she really laughs, it’s always loud, almost to the point of being excessive. And whenever she thinks the attention isn’t focused on her, she’s staring off across the restaurant, her eyes sad.

What the hell is going on with her? Was it something I said in the bathroom? I keep trying to recall exactly what I said and nothing I can remember is coming to mind that would have depressed her this much.

People start to disperse around ten thirty but I hang around until I see Emily gathering her stuff. I move to walk out with her but get distracted when Mitch starts talking to me. When I finally break away from him, Emily’s gone and I quickly excuse myself, wanting to catch her before she leaves.

“Emily!” I have to yell her name once I spot her form walking to her car in order to be heard over the rain. It hasn’t stopped all day but at least now it isn’t pounding down like it was this afternoon. Pulling up the hood of my sweatshirt, I start walking towards her.

Emily turns around and her eyes connect with mine. She doesn’t stop but her steps slow enough that I can easily catch up with her.

A hundred thousand words could not quite explain
So I walk you to your car
And we can talk it out in the rain

“What’s going on?” I ask once I reach her. I try and grab her arm to halt her pace but she pulls away from my grasp and continues on her way to her car.

“Nothing.”

“Bullshit. You were fine and then as soon as I mentioned Lola and Mitch being engaged you got all depressed and you haven’t been the same since. You were miserable the whole meal.”

“I was not.”

“Come on, Em. You know I know you well enough to see past the show you were putting on for everyone else. You’re not happy.”

We reach her car and she stops. “So maybe I’m not.”

“Why?” I question again. “What is it about Lola and Mitch that has you so upset?”

She reaches up a hand and pushes her now wet hair away from her face. Her chin trembles a bit and I shake my head a bit as I realize she’s on the verge of tears. What the hell?

“I’m trying to be happy for them but it’s just a little hard,” she finally says, looking away from me.

“Why?”

She takes a few deep breaths and I’m pretty sure that some of that wetness running down her cheeks are tears, not rain. “Because…because it’s hard to see your friend getting engaged and being so happy when I’m so completely not.”

Her words sting a bit and I don’t know what to say. “Oh,” I settle with.

She points her finger at me and then at herself. “We can’t do this anymore. I can’t be in this constant teeter-totter of being your friend and being your girlfriend. I don’t know what we are and it’s killing me.”

Her voice is breaking and I wish I could say something to fix this. “I…” I have no words and I trail off.

“How long exactly do you want to go on doing this?” she asks, wiping the moisture from her cheeks. “We aren’t friends but we’re not going out. I don’t even know what to say to you anymore.”

That last sentence hurts more than anything else and a lump rises in my throat. I swallow hard a couple times. “I know what we’re doing isn’t helping anything,” I start. “But-”

“No,” she cuts me off. “We can’t keep having this recycled conversation over and over.” She’s shivering from the cold rain but not making any move to get into her car. “I know that you’ve had a lot of issues with people you thought were friends betraying you in the past and I know that Ben has always been there for you and that’s why you’re so damn loyal to him. I hate it but I know where you’re coming from. But you have to stop using it as an excuse. I don’t want to just be your friend with benefits. I don’t want to just be your friend. I want to be your girlfriend. I don’t know what else I can even be at this point.”

My shoulders drop and it feels like all the air in my lungs has escaped me. It takes a few seconds before I’m able to suck in another breath. “I’m sorry,” I say because at this point I feel like I can’t say that enough. “I shouldn’t be letting all this happen between us but I’m the same as you. I don’t know how to go back to just being your friend. Not after everything that happened. I know you want me to just be your friend but-”

“Do you honestly think that?” she asks, stopping me. “Do you really think that I want you to just be my friend?”

I hadn’t really thought about the words before I had said them so I simply wipe some rain from my face and don’t say anything. She continues.

“I want to go back to how it was but without all the secrecy.”

A sick feeling goes through me and I pray she isn’t going to ask me to go back to how it was. We can’t.

Emily wraps her arms around her stomach and looks to the side, drops of rain falling from her nose and chin. When she finally speaks, her voice is so soft that I have to strain to hear it over the rain.

“You want to know the real reason why I’m upset about Lola and Mitch?” she says and then looks as if she immediately regrets the question and shakes her head.

“What?” I press when she doesn’t continue her thought.

“Nothing,” she mumbles.

“Seriously, Em. What were you going to say?”

“I’m just going to freak you out.”

I’m growing exasperated. “You’re not going to freak me out. Just tell me.”

Her eyes rise to meet mine and they’re wet with tears. “What if we were meant to be the way Lola and Mitch are, Justin? What if we are meant to be married and be together forever? And because of Ben, that’s never going to happen.”

I can’t help but freak a bit at the mention of marriage. Thinking long term like that makes me anxious. “I-I, uh,” I stutter, trying to think of some way to respond to her words. When I don’t come up with anything after a few seconds, she shakes her head.

“Nevermind. Forget I said anything,” she says and then unlocks her car door and gets in.

I know I should stop her and talk this out. But her words are ringing through my head and jumbling my thoughts to a point where I’m helpless to do anything but watch her start her car and drive away.

The rain is still pounding down on me as I stand there and it takes me a few long moments before I become aware of this and make my way to my car. I can’t get Emily’s words out of my head and it’s giving me a headache. I just want to go home, take a shower, and sleep this all away.

I get into my car and turn on the heater full blast, needing to get rid of the chill that the rain has set into my bones. As I wait for the car to warm up, I rest my forehead against the steering wheel and squeeze my eyes shut.

Emily’s usually right but I don’t want to think about what it means if she’s right with what she said tonight. Am I actually ruining my future by being loyal to Ben? That isn’t possible, is it?

I need to work this out with her. I know I do and that’s what makes me do a quick u-turn and head in the opposite direction of my house.

Not that you’re the one
Not to say I’m right
Not to say today
And not to say a thing tonight

Delicate-Damien Rice
Unsaid-The Fray

“You’re crazy for going out running. It’s like a hundred degrees out there.”

I don’t lift my head from my bent position as I try to catch my breath. As always, Lola is right but I don’t want to admit that. “I feel great,” I manage to get out in between my still uneven breaths.

She snorts. “Yeah, you look it.”

An old towel lands on my shoulder and I grab it and wipe my face with it. I don’t think I’ve ever sweat this much before and I feel disgusting. When I got up an hour ago, taking a jog outside seemed like the best way to clear my head and get some tension out. Now curling into a fetal position sounds like the best option.

“How far did you go?”

I finally straighten and push my shoes off my feet. “Down to that park by the mall.”

“You’re crazy,” Lola repeats. “You probably got heat stroke.”

I’m slowly regaining my breath and the air conditioning of our apartment is cooling me down. “I’m good. I actually feel pretty good.”

“I’ll believe that when your face isn’t the same shade as a tomato.”

I wipe my face again and trail the towel down my neck. “No really. The endorphins are kicking in.”

“You are so full of shit.”

I smile and stretch my arms above my head. Okay so maybe I’m tired and sore but I do feel better. I woke up this morning feeling like I was going to explode if I didn’t go do something and at least now I feel somewhat normal again.

“So what are you doing today?”

I don’t even consider telling Lola what my plans for the day are. I guess I could since it’s not like she wouldn’t be anything but approving of them and there’s no way she would talk me out of it. But I’m doing this for myself and I just don’t want anyone else to know. I don’t want my mind clouded with anything that Lola thinks I should accomplish with my day’s mission. I need a clear head for this.

“Not sure yet.” I begin to walk towards the bathroom. “I need to shower.”

“Yeah you do!” Lola yells after me and I laugh as I shut the door behind me. A minute later I’m standing under a hot spray of water, my eyes shut and my mind going a mile a minute. I had this resolution in me when I woke up this morning and I have no idea where it came from. And considering it was a bit of a reckless plan that normally I wouldn’t even entertain, I decided that I would get up, go for a long run and if I got back and was still as sure about it as I was when I first got up, then I would do it.

I know I’m about to do something that will either make things a lot better or screw up everything to a point of no return. I always evaluate plans like this to an almost irritating detail but this…I’m just going for it and it’s sending butterflies through me.

I’m going over a million speeches in my head as I get out of the shower, get dressed, and do my hair. I know it’s pointless because I’m not going to remember any of these rehearsed words once I’m actually trying to spit them out. But at least doing this is letting me distract myself so I don’t talk myself out of doing this.

It’s strange to drive to Ben’s condo. When we were dating this was such a familiar route and now it seems almost foreign as I turn onto residential roads. I honestly thought I was never going to ever have a reason to be back here. Guess I was wrong in a big way.

Ben’s car is sitting in the driveway and I park beside it. I don’t allow myself to sit in the car after I turn it off in fear that I’ll talk myself out of this. As Justin’s friend, I should talk myself out of this. But I’m pretty sure that at this point, I’m past the point of being Justin’s friend and this has to happen.

With probably the most purpose I’ve had in weeks, I walk up the front door. The first bit of hesitation goes through me as my finger hovers over the door bell but I push it aside with a deep breath.

“I’m sorry, Justin,” I whisper and then press my finger on the doorbell and listen to the ring echo through the house.

I only have to wait for a few seconds before I hear footsteps. Knowing there’s no turning back now, I wet my lips and wait.

Ben seems completely surprised to see me standing there. I barely allow him to utter a “hello” before I push past him into the house.

“I need to talk to you.”

He stares at me for a second before closing the door behind me. “Okay.”

I march through the house to the living room and motion for him to sit down. This situation is incredibly awkward but I don’t let myself think too much about it and instead concentrate on getting my words out.

“Look,” I start and then trail off. Damnit, why can’t I remember everything I had thought up in the car on the way over here? Everything had sounded so good in my head but now that I’m standing here, staring right at Ben, nothing is coming to mind. I don’t even know why I’m trying to sugarcoat this. Anyways I say it is going to come out bad so I might as well just get it out.

“Look,” I start again. “I know how you and Justin are really great friends and you guys have your guy code thing and shit. I get all that. And I shouldn’t be the one telling you this but I am cause I’m sick of it. So just let me say this.” I’m kind of rambling but I just can’t get the words to string together right.

“A couple months after you and I broke up Justin and I started dating.” Wow, that was easier to get out that I thought. The words practically fell from my mouth. I guess after holding them in for so long they were itching to get out.

Ben’s face has never been more unreadable and I can’t figure out if he’s pissed off or shocked or what. He’s just staring at me and my heart starts to speed up with nervousness and I start talking again, needing to just fill the silence since he’s obviously not going to.

“We kept it a secret from everyone because Justin didn’t want to betray his friendship with you by dating me. And it’s not like I wanted to date him to get back at you or anything. We really like each other.”

Ben’s still not moving or saying anything and my nervousness is manifesting itself into irritation. I don’t like how he’s just staring at me with this stupid slack face. Show some damn emotion! Now I’m just getting angry.

“So then a few weeks ago Justin just calls me up out of NOWHERE and dumps me because he said that he couldn’t do this to you anymore. Like you deserve anything after what you did to me.”

Ben’s jaw clenches a bit but that’s it so I keep talking. I can feel my heartbeat increasing and my legs are starting to shake as I get more upset at how he’s just sitting there.

“So since then our friendship is basically shit cause neither of us knows how to act around the other one. So not only did I lose this guy that I was in love with-yeah, Ben, I’m in love with Justin-but I lose my best friend too. And it’s all because of YOU!”

He finally opens his mouth to say something but I don’t let him get a word out. He had his chance before and how he can just sit there and listen.

“Telling you all this isn’t my place and I know it. But I’m sick of giving Justin all these ultimatums and him not doing anything about it. I know that’s his issue but you’re not innocent in this at all.” I point an accusatory finger at him. “You’re not stupid. You’re perceptive and I know that Justin and I were less than discrete at times. He said that you came right out and asked him if we were dating the night he broke up with me. You knew at that point, didn’t you?” I don’t wait for an answer because I already know what it would be. “You knew that Justin had already broken your stupid guy code shit but instead of just accepting that you just let him break up with me and once again, because of you, I’m miserable.”

Some of this anger should probably be directed to Justin but he’s not here right now and just looking at Ben is pissing me off.

“You know, you can just go to hell,” I state and then force myself to stop. I know I’m on the verge of saying something I’m really going to regret and I don’t need that on top of everything else.

I’m a little out of breath from that entire speech and I suck in a breath and pace back and forth a few times before stopping abruptly and staring at Ben.

“Would you just say something?!” I demand. Why the hell is he still just staring at me? “Stop just sitting there!”

Ben takes a deep breath and his eyes travel to the ceiling before coming back to rest on me. His one arm props up on the back of the couch and he looks at me unblinking for a few long seconds before speaking slowly. “I already know all this, Emily.”

What is he saying? “What?”

His eyes don’t waver from mine. “Justin came over last night and told me everything.”

I think my stomach literally just fell to my feet. There is no way I just heard that right. “What?”

Ben rolls his eyes and stands up. “He came over here at like eleven and went on about everything that had happened between you and him for like two hours. So I don’t need to hear it all again from you.”

My mind is hardly allowing me to absorb this new information. After all the struggles we went through with this topic did Justin really just come over and tell him? What could have made him change his mind?

My legs feel like they’re no longer going to support me and I drop into a nearby chair and stare at the wall blankly for a few seconds before focusing my eyes back on Ben who is simply staring at me. I still can’t read his expression.

“I can’t believe he told you.”

Ben merely shrugs. I stare at him silently for a moment.

“Are you and him still friends?” I have to ask. This is what the issue was the entire time, wasn’t it?

Ben abruptly gets up and goes over to look out the window facing the street. He says nothing and I know him well enough to know not to push the subject. It’s obvious that he’s not exactly happy but it’s clear to at least me that they’ll be fine. If Ben was really going to go postal over this, he wouldn’t have let me in his house in the first place.

I only watch his silent form for a minute before I realize that I’m sitting in my ex boyfriend’s house after finding out that Justin finally did what he needed to do to fix everything. What is wrong with this picture?

“I need to go,” I say as I stand. Ben doesn’t say anything or turn around, which doesn’t surprise me and I see myself out.

I feel like I’m walking on clouds as I make my way to my car. The only thought process that is going through my head is to get to Justin as soon as I can. I can hardly believe this is actually happening.

Sometimes you wait for something to happen for so long that when it actually occurs, you don’t even know what to do with it. I can’t even fathom what it would be like to date Justin and not have to hide it.

I let myself into Justin’s house with the key that he never asked me to give back. I can hear noise coming from the kitchen and hoping that it’s Justin and that he’s alone, I walk towards the sounds.

My footsteps halt and a smile spreads across my face when I step through the doorway and see Justin. He’s standing at the counter with his back to me, singing off key to some Beach Boys song and shaking his ass as he…bakes? There’s ingredients all over the counter but that can’t be right. He doesn’t bake.

He looks ridiculous standing there in that stupid girly apron and a backwards hat. Not to mention he’s committing a major fashion faux pas wearing socks and sandals. Have I mentioned that I’ve never been more in love with him than at this exact moment?

I’m across the kitchen and my arms are wrapped around him within an instant. He jumps at the contact and quickly turns around.

“Em,” he says but my mouth is covering his before he can get another word out. I kiss him like I’ve been wanting to kiss him for weeks-without hesitation and without regret. Somehow it feels a million times better.

“You told him,” I say when I pull back, holding his face in my hands.

His eyebrows raise a little. “You know?”

“I went over there,” I hesitate for a second, “to tell him myself. But then he said you told him last night.”

He doesn’t seem to care that I decided to tell Ben myself and that makes my smile grow a little bit more.

“What made you decide to finally tell him?” I ask softly, my thumbs moving over his cheekbones.

His eyes never leave mine. “What you said last night really hit me. About if I was messing up our entire futures by refusing to tell him.” He takes a deep breath. “I had never thought about it like that before. And I realized that you weren’t going to wait around forever and that scared me.”

I stop his speech by pressing my lips against his again. Everything he’s saying is so perfect that I can’t help it. When I pull back, he continues, his words rushed as if he’s trying to get everything out as fast as possible.

“So I went over there last night and I told him every single thing about how long I had liked you and how we had started dating secretly because I didn’t want him to hate me for dating you. But I told him that I loved you too much to just be able to end it and leave it at that.”

I rub my thumbs back and forth on the back of his neck. “What did he say?”

“Not a whole lot. He’s pissed but I think we’ll be okay.”

“I think so too.”

He bends his knees so we’re eye level. “Emily, after you left last night I realized fully for the first time how stupid I’ve been. I mean I know I’ve been an idiot but I really got it last night. I don’t even know how you’ve dealt with me.”

A smile curves my lips and I kiss him briefly. “It’s not that hard to deal with someone when you love them like I love you.”

He wraps his arms around me and then straightens, pulling me off the ground. It feels like he’s crushing me as he hugs me tight but I’m not about to complain. It’s the best feeling I’ve had in a long time. The kind of feeling you get when you pull on a pair of jeans fresh from the dryer on a cold morning. It’s waking up in the morning to discover you have another ten minutes to sleep. It’s the smell of fresh baked bread and the warmth of sun on your face.

When he lowers me to the ground a minute later, I open my eyes and they connect with the mess on the counter.

“What exactly are you doing in here?” I ask.

Justin looks over his shoulder and shakes his head. “I was making you cupcakes.”

A smile spreads across my face. “Cupcakes?”

“I couldn’t sleep last night and I was trying to think how I could even begin to make up to you all that I’ve put you through the past couple months. I thought cupcakes might be a good start.” He sighs and looks at the disaster on the counter. “I’ve already messed up two batches though. I’m doing something wrong.”

A laugh escapes me and I rest my head on his chest. “You don’t need to make me cupcakes to make up for everything.”

“I don’t?”

“Nope.” I snake my arms around him. “I don’t need cupcakes. Maybe just a Carribean vacation or a new car.”

He laughs and gives my side a squeeze. “You do realize that I would do both those things, right?”

Smiling, I turn so I’m facing him and I can fully hug him, his body solid and true against me. “Don’t go crazy and do any of that. You know you don’t need to.”

His smile is beautiful and my insides are warm the moment I see it spread across his face. “I love you so much, Em.”

I love hearing him say that. “I love you too.”

I guess that over the past couple months Justin and my relationship has been sun mixed with rain. And at times I really almost did believe what everyone around me was saying that I was hurting myself with it all. But now, standing here with Justin’s arms squeezing me against him, I know that a rainbow has finally emerged and is here to stay.