Summary: Is it really so bad to be crazy? Maybe you're just confused. Maybe your life isn't as everyone sees it as. Can you have the power to change it? Is there really such a thing as a second chance? A chance for proving the person you were meant to be? Maybe you have to die first to really get there. Set in 1999.
Categories: Completed Het Stories Characters: JC Chasez
Awards: None
Genres: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama, Horror, Humor, Mystery, Romance, Suspense
Challenges: None
Series: You Ruined Me For Life
Chapters: 24 Completed: Yes
Word count: 48431 Read: 48061
Published: Nov 19, 2007 Updated: Nov 19, 2007
1. Prologue: Smile by Mariah
2. Life, Interrupted by Mariah
3. Survivor's Enigma by Mariah
4. When I Saw You by Mariah
5. Guess Who's Not Coming To Dinner? by Mariah
6. Say No by Mariah
7. Unwritten by Mariah
8. When You Put Your Hands On Me by Mariah
9. Come Away With Me by Mariah
10. Water Runs Dry by Mariah
11. When the Morning Comes by Mariah
12. I Want You To Need Me by Mariah
13. Absence of Fear by Mariah
14. Have You Ever? by Mariah
15. Let That Be Enough by Mariah
16. Case of the Ex by Mariah
17. Please Forgive Me by Mariah
18. Do What You Have To Do by Mariah
19. Move Along by Mariah
20. How Did I Fall In Love With You? by Mariah
21. Angel In Disguise by Mariah
22. Breakaway by Mariah
23. I Need To Walk Away From You by Mariah
24. Let Love In by Mariah
Prologue: Smile by Mariah
Author's Notes:
Re-posting, just cuz. Gonna finish this series soon.
"Jacob, get some help! She's asleep! Hurry!" Eric shouted to his brother as he carried his cousin's lifeless body to the couch.
Her lips were starting to lose color. Strayed and fading. He couldn't understand what had happened. He left a mere 10 minutes and found her passed out on the carpet without a pausible answer. Tears were stinging his sight as he sat, staring... waiting for him to come.
Why would she just up and do this? Confused. Everything was fine. She was happy. Least that remained the case all the while. It's all his fault. He should have NEVER left the house period. Something didn't seem right in the last 5 days. She seemed to herself a lot of the time. She was unhappy. If only he could've asked her what was wrong. God if only... Now she's slowly leaving him.
"Why? Why her? She's a good person. Nobody deserved to die. Not her. Don't take her. Take me. Take me for being the selfish asshole I am. FUCK!" he hugged her body close, crying heavily as he heard Jacob come with the paramedics and a stretcher bed. He picked her up, kissed her gently on her forhead, placing her on top of the portable bed. More tears came down his scared face, "Please GOD let her be ok! Do whatever you can. Bring her back! She CAN'T leave now!"
Eric was frantic now and his body was shaking. Spewing out demands like a mad man. He felt like dying now. Someone should just kill him. The pain was too much. Too real. Too FUCKING real. All of it was a blur now. She could actually be taken away from this Earth any moment. He felt weak beyond all feeling. Death was giggling it's hunger not too far away. There was nothing he could do but wait. Wait for her to die or live. There may never be another like her. Mariah Anderson may never smile her smile that makes you live to catch a small glimpse.
Life, Interrupted by Mariah
The doctors pumped Mariah's stomach of the pills she'd consumed voluntarily. Afterwards, she was so weak they put her in the intensive care unit. Still laying in a deep sated coma. Still alive and breathing. Her parents fight to stay awake. Their only daughter is making no progress. There was really nothing they could do. More waiting. They need some answers. She's hanging on by so little.
Mariah's Dad, Peter came toward his wife, "Darla, she's a survivor. She's going to pull through. Be strong," he placed his hand on her shoulder.
Darla was stung as he did this. Her shoulder was shaking and she didn't know what was going to happen. Her eyes were glassy and she wiped at her eyes, unmoving and not believe the reality of the situation. Her daughter was always such a challenge but still she felt compassion.
Darla held his hand, crying, "I just don't understand! Hallie said everything was fine. Now, it's really not! My baby is dying Peter. She's DYING!"
"It'll be OK. She'll come back. Give it time, sweetie."
She pushed him away, "She doesn't have much time. She needs to come back now! Right now, Peter. She doesn't deserve this. This is my fault. All of it. We shouldn't have left her alone."
"It's not your fault. We can't take back what happened but we have to be strong. For Mariah. She needs us not to be upset. Pray for a miracle."
She sighed as she calmed herself, and sat down, "She needs more than miracle. More than love. It's much bigger Peter. She needs a will to brake though."
He nodded, patting her back as he stood up, "Come on, let's get some coffee." They walked over to the machine.
A long week has passed, Mariah still hasn't woken up. Family members would come, held her hand, and talk to her. Hoping she would make some kind of movement. But nothing… It was all a gambit. Nothing's changed. If anything, she's getting worse. Her heart monitor was dangerously low which made the doctors questioned in taking off life support. There was no other option it seemed. Darla was appalled and wide eyed at the idea. She shook her head sharply.
"No, out of the question. She still has a chance. I won't allow you to make dying easier for her. She still has a chance. I believe it."
Dr. Andrews sighed as he sat in his office, "Darla, I realize what your going through, there is absolutely nothing we can do but pray that she breathes on her own."
Darla stood up, hearing enough, "No, I know she will improve. I won't let you do this!"
Dr. Andrews stood up and walked to her, "I can't imagine what you're thinking. Believe me; I don't want to do this. There is really nothing left for us to do but pray she breathes without our help. I have faith in her. I won't let her die. I promise you. Peter has already agreed to sign the papers but he wanted to leave this decision up to you."
She looked at him with glassy eyes, "Peter has already agreed to this? Why? Does he WANT his daughter to die? I can't handle this now...excuse me," she exited his office and fled to the bathroom.
Darla left the bathroom somewhat calm and walked over to her husband as she made her decision, "I think we should do this. I have faith in her. There's nothing more they can do. Still, I'm praying she doesn't need their help."
He turned to face her, "Sweetie are you sure?"
"Yes, I am. Please don't talk it about it anymore. Where are the papers?"
Peter held them from the front desk the whole time and handed her a paper to sign, "I already signed. I'll be waiting in the doctor's office," he kissed her cheek and left.
After Darla finished the signing the places where she needed to sign, she made her way to the office. Everyone went to Mariah's room silently. They knew the risks, and the effects of the procedure. Darla turned her head as the doctor put his hand on Mariah's IV plug. Dr. Andrews took a deep breathe and pulled-
"Dr. Andrews this is an emergency! We need you in the ER room 16!" a nurse yelled from the doorway.
"Pardon me, I'm so sorry." He looked at her parents and ran over to the nurse, asking her questions as he followed to the room, "What do we know?"
The nurse looked at her clipboard, "Male, 24, deep sated abrasions on the wrists. He appears unconscious at the moment."
"Alright... Please inform Dr. Carringan to perform the procedure while I'm gone," he told her as he opened the door.
"Right away, doctor" she walked off to the room.
When she reached it she gave a light knock before opening the door to see smiles from ear to ear on both parents’ faces, "What's going on?"
Darla tried to control the happiness but she couldn't, "She spoke! She came back!"
The nurse looked in the direction of the patient and smiled as she saw the father with tears in his eyes, speaking softly with his daughter, Mariah barely speaking back, just groaning mumbled responds. "Well, I'll be. This is beyond a miracle I tell ya. Room 16 may have saved her life.
Survivor's Enigma by Mariah
Mariah sat up a little, slowly regaining movements that she'd misplaced in the week. She felt so...alive suddenly. Like someone breathed in what was missing. Not just life... something else. Inexplicable. She was barely paying any attention to her talkative father. The one who did this to her. Along with the witch who gave birth to her boasting with the nurse for her sudden arrival. Seeing her so happy was sickening. Where the FUCK was that happiness before when she wasn't covered with deathrow? They both had the nerve to come and care for her. They might as well let her die. She wanted to die so bad. She had no life left. Clutched with the avid animosity she felt in her veins she had also felt saved in some way. Even though her heart was set on ending this life, she felt like she was given a will. It was a face. She couldn't see who it was, but something or was it someone told her to live. It felt amazing to hear those words and the voice who said them. That voice will stay with her forever.
She shook her head and lied back down. "I want to rest for a while. Can you leave please?" They did help bring her into this world, it was least she could do.
Peter nodded, "Alright. We'll be right outside if you need us. Bye sweetie," he kissed her forehead and so did Darla as they closed the door.
Mariah suddenly really had to pee. Only her luck would have it that the bathroom in her room is locked. "Dammit! I really have to go!" she got up and took the oxygen plug from her nose and the rest of the plugs from her body as she barely got up.
She made her way slowly to visible wheel chair and pushed herself out of her room. She wheeled downward, it was hard but she had to do it. Than, she heard something. No, wasn't the nurses. It wasn't the doctors. And she heard the number 16.
"What the fuck? This isn't Field Of Dreams and I ain't schizo." she finally reached the unisex restroom to the right and wheeled toward it.
She came out feeling a million times better. She was finding the pushing of the wheelchair much easier now. All of a sudden, it ended. Ended?! Wait, she didn't stop it. Hold up. She turned her head and read the number 16 on the door. This is weird. Why did it stop here? She felt compelled to this room. The door was left a smidge open so she looked around and entered slowly.
She neared the bed and stared at the person laying on it. She shook her head slightly. "Who are you?"
The person looked a bit older than her. Say 22 or 25. He looked tired. Dried. Drained. So lost and blue. It was the color of his lips. His face had lost color. His filled out pout, a lavender pinkish shade. He was breathing slowly, calmly. It almost scared Mariah. She wasn't sure what to think. For some reason, she had will to live. It wasn't her will, it was another's. What did this person have to do with that?
On a finger, there was a ring. A ring given to her by her best friend years ago who had passed away. A voice, so placid said, take it off. And she did. Her now movements were controlled by some spirit lurking somewhere. She took his hand and placed her green jeweled ring in his palm, closing it so gracefully.
She licked her lips still holding his hand, wondering why she was doing any of this. This wasn't her. Human contact was out of the question until Jessica left her alone. Her face suddenly twitched as she moved over his face.
"Whoever you are, you must be someone amazing. I hope you can hear me. I hope you wake up too," she smiled a little as she kissed his cheek.
Over and over this other voice is saying, why are you doing this? Why are you kissing strangers? The other would just say, sometimes life can't be about you. Maybe there's an angel in all of us if we try to see that. Maybe it can happen.
She felt abrupt movement from the hand. Her eyes stared down as she removed her hand and wheeled out of there as fast as she could but not without hearing, "Who are you?"
She left quickly before he had a chance to say anymore. Man, his voice freaked her out even more. He couldn't be. Not the same one.
"Why did I give him my ring? Whoever he is, he has it now." she whispered.
Mariah waited until the doctors came back to sign out. Darla and Peter were in her surgeon's office discussing her status. She just wanted to get out of there. She finally could walk now and she was happy as ever to get that back. She glanced at her finger and noticed her ring was gone. Still gone. Whoever he was, he had it. She couldn't breathe without that ring. She promised to never take it off, but she did to a total stranger. Yet... was he? His face looked awfully uncanny, like the one in her dream. The man that saved her. She felt with all her heart he was in some way part of it.
She needed to go to the bathroom badly now. She stood up and nearly ran to the bathroom. After she finished and washed her hands she walked to her room. Right next to her's was #16. The door was halfway open and she looked around if anyone was watching. She placed her hand on the handle...
"What are you doing?" she heard a stern voice behind her and froze.
She gulped and turned around to see a women, mid-40s with red-brown short hair, "Uh, I'm-I'm sorry, I'll go."
The woman came in her path, "Wait a sec, are you here to see Josh?"
"Huh?" she raised an eyebrow.
"My son? Joshua, listen I know him better than this. I can't believe he would do this. He's such a good person. I mean, anyway... what's your name sweetie?"
"Mariah," she said softly.
"Would you like to see him? He needs people around him in these times."
"Um, yeah I-I guess," she followed the woman to the door as she opened it all the way.
Mariah looked at the bed which a held the same sleeping body. He was looking much better than last time. Color returned to his lips and the lines around his face had softened. But he still looked ill. Mariah was cautious.
The woman came over to her reposed son and gently touched on his shoulder. He slowly opened his blue orbs and lazily smiled at his mother. Mariah figured this was as good a time as any to bolt and do it now. She gulped silently and turned her body back toward the door. Her hand on the handle she was almost there.
"Mariah, sweetie, come here," she heard before anything happen.
She was stuck. Damn her brain working so slowly. She shut her eyes in tenseness and slowly turned around. She met the man's eyes and couldn't move. His eyes were imperious it seemed. She felt her hand being led over to the man. His eyes never blinking once. Hers haven't moved under his Dracula-like trance.
He suddenly licked his lips and cleared his throat with a blink, "You..."
She swallowed in a strangled manner. "Um..."
Guess Who's Not Coming To Dinner? by Mariah
His eyes squinted, “I saw you in my--o,” He grabbed his stomach in pain.
Mariah’s eyes clouded with worry. She feels like she caused this. How? She doesn’t know him. She gulped strangely.
She watched his mother rub his shoulder gently. He was still weak. His arms bore scares visible and bright to anyone. Almost as if he purposely made them be seen. His face and skin were deathly white as she wondered more about what happened to him.
His mother than looked in her direction. She stepped back. The look she was giving Mariah was the same one she remembered her own mother giving her when she woke up. Only, this look held a more heartfelt gaze.
Mariah’s heart broke with this woman’s. She can’t imagine the pain going through her mind, but oddly, she feels it.
His mother made her way to Mariah slowly taking a hold of her hands, “I’ll be right back. I just can’t be in this room too long. Thank you for understanding.”
Mariah nodded sincerely, “Of course.”
She almost felt as if she might cry on the spot as she dropped her hands and made her way out the door. When the door was shut, Mariah looked down at her feet. Shivering as the ill silence surrounded them.
She heard rustling and looked at the man in the bed. His eyes piercing her, strangely, she was intrigued. She spoke softly, “Are you OK?”
The man winced as he took his time sitting up in bed, “I am. Who are you?”
“Mariah.” She said, simply.
He looked down than up, fixing his focus on the girl. There was more to know. He wanted to know more than just her name.
“Like the singer?”
She scoffed inwardly, “No, not like the singer. I mean, well she had it before me so I guess.”
He tried to laugh and winced slightly in the process, “Interesting.”
She felt really uncomfortable now. “What is?”
He smirked, “The way you put the answer. It was sort of one of those yes or nos.”
She was a little confused, “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know I guess.”
He started laughing again, this time coughing. She came a little closer to him suddenly, “Are you alright, do you want some water?”
She was really close now and it was distracting him. She noticed this and kept her distance from before. He cleared his throat and looked at her, “No, I actually have too much here already. My family likes to make sure I have everything, in the two-packs.”
She nodded, “Oh, OK… Well, I--”
He was looking at her seriously now. That was a little outlandish. He felt like she was about to say something really personal. But than again, she knows about what happened to him. God knows how she met his mother. He just let it alone. Last thing he wanted to do was pry into a stranger’s personal issues.
She cleared her throat gently, “I was just going to say that I wouldn’t know what that feels like.”
He hadn’t expected her to say that. There was that weird silence rising up again. She didn’t know what to do. The florescent lights caught a glimpse of the pinkness that paled from her cheeks. She was getting flustered. She dared to look at him. His forehead appeared crinkled with lines. His breath was strange. It seemed if it had sped up faster by the second. Something plagued him suddenly, “How do you know my mom?”
She took a deep breath and sat down on the visitor’s chair. “I really don’t. I just met her actually.”
Would explain the uneasiness she portrayed. But than again, in light of the current situation, she could just be uneasy about what had happened. He was confused but it made sense still.
“I see.” He eyed her. She was looking down in thought. It bothered him how quiet and uno-sentenced she is.
He observed a smile forming. Made some light come through the dark impenetrable room. “Guess I’m making things more awkward for you. I don’t know what made me come here, but somehow I was just pulled to.”
This is something new. Where did this come from? More importantly, why was it making sense to him? He felt it too, suddenly. This strong magnetic pull. Out of nowhere. The strangest thing. It seems like a second chance is being given and he wasn’t the only one.
He looked at her with a slight tilt of his head. “Really? Strange thing is, in fact, a lot of strange things have happened this past week.”
Mariah raised her hand as if she were in class. “Amen. A lot of things have been unexplainable. I feel like praying or something but than I remembered I’m a reformed atheist.”
The corners of Josh’s mouth turned upward. “Good to know. I think a lot of times I wish I didn’t have to force myself to believe in something that seems ridiculous.”
Mariah fiddles with the bottom hem of her sweater, “My family was kind of too invested into organized religion. Personally, I think it’s a neurological disorder. That’s probably the reason why I did what I did.”
His eyes squinted, “What was that?”
She braced herself and took in a deep breathe, as long as they’re in the personal zone, “It was wild. At first it didn’t hurt. Made more sense than anything I’ve done. All I wanted to do was stop it. I couldn’t breathe and when I reached my breaking point, it was easier than I thought. It made me feel alive.”
She stopped when she realized how silent it was. She pursed her lips and looked up at him. He was wide awake with that same look displayed. Maybe she shouldn’t say too much.
She laughed nervously, “Yeah, well, I should get going. I mean, this… I don’t know what this is but I should really go.”
She waited. She watched Josh’s eyebrows raise up. Something’s not right. She watched his mouth as he spoke, “Are you uncomfortable?”
She gave it some thought but didn’t need it. “Somewhat, I am.”
"OK, are you leaving?”
“Leaving?”
“Are you leaving the hospital?”
She nodded slowly, “I should be…”
He suddenly held her hand. Not in a brisk way but in a genial manner. Like a friend. “Why? You don’t have to. I feel like you know what I’m going through more than anyone else.”
As in dueling suicides, yeah they had something massive in common. She felt him take a firmer grasp, felt like a silent promise. What? She pursued the question mentally.
“Why do you think that?”
“Just the way you talked about what went wrong.”
She backed away from his grip sternly, “No, I really should go…” she started to stutter now.
He laughed softly, it was music to Mariah’s ears. “Alright, well, it was fun having you here; even though I’m not sure exactly how you got here.”
She managed to smile a little, “Me either.”
“Kinda funny how it makes sense.”
Mariah shook her head. “Hardly.”
His ears perked up, “That’s amusing. Why do you go there?”
“Go where?”
“To that direction?”
Mariah’s head started to throb, “I don’t know, I’ve been through a lot, I guess I just don't feel like talking in general."
Talking was the main thing that troubled Mariah in the past. Everybody always had it down. They knew the words and how to say them. It sounds easier said than done. Mariah hated clichés but this one was a given. It's not just that she's shy, people actually think she's mute sometimes.
It irritated her more than anything. She had an opinion but it was just difficult to share when you know people weren’t going to listen. Mariah had sudden flashbacks to her high school. Everyone had thought she was Edward Scissorhands. Between the nerd and the loner. The freak of nature, only because she didn’t run her mouth every .5 seconds. More like disgusting nightmares, than memories.
She shuddered in the room as she was brought back, she realized she was still in the room. This guy sort of reminded her of the people back than. Always wanting to make small talk. But guys who did that only wanted one thing. Again, Mariah hates clichés.
“Well, do you wanna talk about anything?” He said, scaring her a little.
Her eyebrows bunched together, “Why are you so concerned about this?”
He smirked, “A simple yes or no wouldn’t have been better.”
Mariah rolled her eyes, “Its not that easy. Look, no offense, I really don’t know what’s going on and I think I need to go.”
“Alright, well, you could have gone a while ago but you’re still here. I not a fate follower--”
She cut Josh off, “Yeah, you know, OK. I’m gonna go out now.”
She turned around, determined to make a clean exit and not get sucked into something that will drive her anymore crazy than she already feels.
The last thing she needs is crazy thoughts filling her head.
She turned the handle and stepped out calmly. She ignored the pull to the door that she shut behind her. As soon as she stepped out she felt someone take her hand.
She turned and her eyes were apathetic. Peter Anderson pulled his daughter into a hug and held her there. To Mariah, it was overkill and against her will.
“Hi sweetie. How are you feeling?” He pulled back when he felt her push his body away.
“I’m fine, Dad. Where is she? Are you guys finished?”
He nodded, his mouth turned into a thin smile, “Your mother is finished but afterwards, I saw her talking to another woman here. I wasn’t really a part of it but your mother mentioned that her son is going through a hard time.”
“Well, is she done?” She didn’t want to sound rude but staying here was stifling enough on her neurons.
Peter shook his head, “Not yet, honey. She’s in the waiting room with Karen right now. I was talking to her husband Roy before. He’s out there too. It’s pretty heated. You’re mother’s very emotional now so try to not get her so upset maybe.”
“Yeah, OK. Maybe my suicide didn’t just make her emotional enough. I wish Eric never found me.”
He touched her shoulder and she flinched back, “Don’t say that. Please, we really care about you. We’re here for you OK?”
She didn’t want to hear the psycho babble bull shit anymore. She knows in her heart the real truth how who they both are. If they did care, she wouldn’t be here. If they actually listened to her maybe she wouldn’t feel so destitute. If they did care, she wouldn’t feel the need to swallow massive amounts of pills.
She had a strange night already, and the last thing she needed was it to get strange with such pretentious words.
“No, I’m not going through with this anymore. I’m getting mom and we’re going. Get away from me.” She huffed away toward the waiting room.
Mariah nearly sped past her father and made her way to the wait area. She spotted the coffee machine and sighed in relief. But her mother and what looked like a man and a woman handing hands in deep-sated conversation on the opposite side of the room.
Mariah rolled her eyes and marched over them, praying that she was finished. As she got closer, the woman on her right looked really familiar. When she saw her face, she felt like she’d been socked openly in the stomach. It was her. Josh’s mother. What the hell was she doing talking to her mother like they were close friends.
All the faces had turned to Mariah and she felt like she’d just been caught for shop-lifting something.
She found her voice slowly, “Mom, hi, did you finish everything?”
Suddenly she was afraid to say anything else. She didn’t want to seem like a bitch to people she barely knew.
The woman she prayed would forget her had recognized her, “Mariah, how is Josh?” She made a side note to her mom, “She spoke to my son earlier. I told her it would help him.”
Mariah started to pre-sweat now. “Um, yeah well, I didn’t want to be rude.”
The woman nodded, “Trust me sweetie, everything helps.”
Darla suddenly chirped in, “Honey we’ve invited Karen and Roy to dinner tonight. I figured since, it would help everyone deal with what’s happened.”
Huh? What? Mariah’s eyes bugged out of their sockets, “Uh, mom, no offense, is this the best idea? I mean, I still feel really tired and I just want to go home.”
Darla was impervious, “I believe it is. Besides, its nice to do. Do I make myself clear? The Chasezs are coming for dinner tonight. Understood?”
Oh boy, no sympathy ever. Did she have a choice, “Their son is coming too?”
Karen laughed, “Oh, don’t worry sweetie, you’ve already met Joshua.”
Life has officially sucked from then on.
Author's Notes:
Next parts of the story will change in POV. I decided to just make some minor changes. So look out for them in the next coming updates!
Mariah braced herself for the worst. She knew it was coming. She exhaled loudly on purpose as she rode in the backseat while her parents blissfully ignored her. She wasn’t expecting much, it was like nothing happened the past week. She didn’t try to end herself. It was all a hoax.
How much more of this can she take? Was she not being obvious enough about everything? She tried to kill herself and its not real. She prayed that the world would be quiet and peaceful for once but it was almost as if that dream was ripped apart as soon as she came back to life. This is death, everything that goes with the fight.
She drummed her fingers upon the black leather car seat and rolled her eyes at the thought that her parents actually gave two shits about her. She didn’t know where it came from but, she had the feeling that they wanted to kill her in her dreams.
If only they did. If only they actually went through with it. What would that be like to die? It’s possible, its always possible. Just like The Hours, where Virginia Wolfe contemplates the idea of dying to lying in a silent, wastrel life without love or any kind of emotion. It feels like that most days. That was her favorite book.
Lately, Mariah has grown obsessed with death and how one dies. It’s the biggest mystery ever. Where do they go? What happens the moment in that moment when everything goes extra quiet? Between the lines of dark and light. She wanted to know. She was hungry for finding out the truth for once. At least something in her life would make sense.
She flicks away a lone tear falling fast and folded her arms. Everything was out control and things are back to where they were before. It was hard to believe alive when you’re brought back to life and nothing changes. Especially when you’ve raised yourself with a free-spirited outlook.
Before she got used to the solace in her mind, she was there. Back in hell. She was frozen in her place. Scared to move. Her eyes… the only source of action to her passive response. She looks at her tired fingers knowing nothing else. The lines reminded her of an old weeping williow and she didn't exactly fancy it much.
She shook roughly as Darla spoke, “Did you hear me, Mariah? Hello?”
She shook her head slightly, “What?”
Darla rolled her eyes, “I said step out and help me make dinner tonight.”
She started to protest with her arms, “Mom, I don‘t really wan--”
Darla held up her finger as yield sign, “No, the Chasezs will be coming over and we must treat our guests with respect. Now, get out and start helping me and your father with preparing it.”
Mariah was tight-lipped. There was no way out of this one. She’d have to just bite her tongue and do it. What she really wanted was to be by herself… Someplace where no one exists and the possibilities of silence is endless.
She groans as the world sucks once again and slops her way inside the house that she thought she’d never step in again. It looked slightly grainy, almost like out of some 70s archival footage. The walls were cracked and Mariah felt like she was closed in. The overall scenery was too stifling for her. She had the feeling that any moment, someone would jump out and scare her.
Mariah clutched her shoulders, trying to hide herself as she took slow steps toward her upstairs bedroom. She had to hold on the railing for a moment to stop her movements. She paused her brain. Everything was muddled beyond repair. It started all over again. The thoughts she had a week ago, the thundering realization of gloomy captivity.
The thoughts were sucked back into her mind as her eyes opened. She was thinking it again. About the moments that happened before it. She willed herself to move and it was barely there but she managed somehow.
She walked in and took off her jacket, placing it on the soft corner chair sloppily. She tries to clear her mind. She made a dash for her bed and collapsed face-first on top.
She closes her eyes. Life is still, lonely, cold, and helpless. She is dreaming but lying awake all the while. She moves her face to the left side for air, still trying to meditate.
Parents really don’t understand anything. It was like they don’t think twice before closing their legs as soon as babies are conceived. It’s not fair. For a while she thought it was all a phase. Like she could change the system or something. It’s a fucking corrupt system is what it is.
What is life if all you do is cry and dream of things that are out of reach? What kind of life is that? As she thinks about this, her eyes start to water. Yet again, she’s numb. It almost becomes a ritual now. Only she never knows when she will actually do it.
She hears muffled voices downstairs. Her eyes pop open at this. She grows curious a little.
Mariah drags her body up to her door and listens to the familiar voices. Its them, the family from the hospital. What was their name?
“The Chases? Who gives a fuck?” she said to herself tediously.
She noticed her mom and dad were in some kind of deep conversation again. It was gross to see how her mother actually cares to hear what people say other than herself. And her dad was worse. He always gave off the creepy Tom Cruise vibe.
But she also noticed someone not there. The man she met at the hospital. The man she gave her ring to. Something wasn’t right. She thought he was coming.
“Oh well…” she said absently.
She closes the door behind her and leans against it inside her room. She jumped as she heard the door knock against her.
She wanted to scream out but she knew she couldn’t. Again, she was robbed of freedoms. It was her life, well, what’s left of it anyway; not much.
She sighed, “Who is it?”
“Uh, hey, its Josh from well, from before. Can I come in?” He was nervous, but why was he the nervous one?
Can he? Eh… she looks around at the horrible mess in her room for the first time, “Uh, OK, hold on.”
She rushed to put her clothes away and miscellaneous nick-nacks in their correct places. She grabbed her jacket and flung it in the closet, closing the mirrored-door afterward.
She went for the door handle, turning meticulously. She knew who it was, she just wanted to appear less out of breath. She pulled the rest of the door open and looked at him.
She would hate to admit it out loud but he had this clueless expression on his face like he was caught doing something bad. It made him look like a child, almost cute.
Nervously she smiled and let go of the door to give a small wave, “Hi, what’s going on?”
He rubbed his neck as if shaking a thought out, “Oh, well, your parents are talking to mine now but, I think your mom said they might be going out to dinner. So they said--”
Mariah groaned visibly, “I have to go with them now? Shit, why today?”
She saw his expression and immediately retracted her comments. “I mean, your mom is nice, I’m sure your dad is too, but, I don’t know, I’m feeling like a social butterfly today.”
He started laughing, “No, uh, actually, she suggested that they go alone. Just the four of them. I was trying to say that but you cut me off.”
Mariah smiled sheepishly, “Oh, yeah, sorry… Well, so, OK, why aren’t you going?”
“Can I come in first? I kind of get the feeling I offended you by standing here.” He gestured to the where he was standing.
She nodded, “Oh yeah, sure.”
She got out of the way and took a seat on her bed. She watched him walk in kind of awkwardly. She wondered what he was thinking as he looked about her room. Soaking in the various materials dispersed every which way. Made her feel raw and exposed.
He wouldn’t guess she was spoiled, not by the way she’s acted so far to him. But half of the stuff, he guessed, she could survive without. Maybe there’s something else going on? He thought about that for a second. If there was, she’s a good actress in hiding it. Her parents seem too perfect to be considered acceptable. But it wasn’t her parents he was interested about. It was her.
Mariah cleared her throat, “I never seen a guy concentrate this much on someone’s room since Queer Eye.”
He shook from his thoughts and reacted with a slight scoff, “I’m not gay if that’s what your getting that.”
Even as he said that, he still was preoccupied with checking out her room. But his personal life is none of her business. “I never said you were or even asked it. I thought you were going to answer my question.”
He finally looked her. She was leaning on her elbows now, almost sensually but the expression she held, led to otherwise.
He took a seat on the chair in the corner; maintaining his distance. “What was the question again?”
She rolled her eyes pathetically, “Why didn't you go?”
“Because I wanted to stay here, with you.” he whispered.
She picked herself up from the bed and crossed her arms, “Why?”
He licked his lips, thinking, “Relaxes me. I don’t feel bored around you.”
Mariah broke eye contact and didn’t have anything to say. What could she say? She believed him? She knows what the feels like? She refused to believe it was that simple.
She tried to change the subject, “So what’s your take on Lindsay Lohan? Or Paris Hilton?”
She slightly rolled her eyes. This was the best she could come up with?!
JC threw his head back, laughing, “Yeah… I never cared much about those girls.”
Mariah folded her arm matter-of-factly, “Well, its important. You should have read the last US Weekly.”
“Maybe I should have.”
Mariah made a clucking sound with her tongue and gave a laugh, “I’m kidding. I don’t care for shit like that.”
“Figured, are you always this confusing?”
She rolled her eyes, “Uh, no. I was trying to make a joke. Obviously you don’t know what that means.”
“No, I do just fine. You’re just unclear or you were bailing out on my previous question. I feel its number two.” Josh rubbed his chin in thought.
He had her seized up. Got her right where he wanted her. She appeared vulnerable suddenly. He had this urge to just hold her. She looked a doll; a fragile one. One that needs to watched closely or else it’ll be destroyed.
He wished he knew what she was thinking, feeling… He doesn’t know anything about her, yet, she’s a part of his life somehow. Maybe he’ll never. But also, maybe she knows something he doesn’t. All thoughts he considered.
Mariah’s eye-lids closed in slits, “Well, you’re wrong… on both counts. Why are you really here? What do you want?”
She really didn’t want to get into it but she had to know. It was eating away at her like a virus.
Someone came bursting through the door before Josh could open his mouth. It was Darla and Mariah didn’t really want to know what this was about.
Darla looked skeptical a little, “What’s going on here?”
Did she actually think there was something going on? She’s the slut.
Mariah rolled her eyes, standing up with her hands placed firmly on her hips. “Are you kidding? Absolutely nothing is going on here. He was just about to leave.”
Mariah gestured to a shocked JC. It was his turn to speak, “Uh, I’m not leaving.”
Darla held both hands up, yielding what was about to occur. “Mariah, don’t talk to Josh like that, his family has been through enough. Show him some respect.”
And she hasn’t? “Mom, I’ve been through hell too. I really don’t need this shit pushed upon me now—“
“Watch it Mariah! Don’t use curse words in front of guests.” Darla stood firmly.
Mariah smirked, “Fine, I’ll wait till they leave.”
Darla sighed. When was her daughter going to learn anything? “Mariah, don’t be like that. Respect people please.” She looked back at Josh and gave small smile, “Joshua, sweetie, are you sure you don’t want to come out with us? Peter and I don’t mind.”
Oddly, Mariah was kind hoping his answer was no, maybe she didn’t want to feel truly alone now. Anybody was better than nobody.
She was afraid she might try it again. She waited for his answer which seemed to take forever and a day.
Author's Notes:
POVs change here. That's it. Hope its not too confusing just want to change things around in the story.
Mariah’s POV
As I gazed at him, he seemed be struggling to say yes or no. Its funny how when he brings it up with me, he’s got no problem with handling the insults. My hands start sweating and my mouth goes dry as he takes his sweet time. Just answer already!
I felt like shaking him until, “Well, do you also mind if I stayed here? Would that be OK?”
Huh? I honestly was not expecting that. He seemed nervous as he said this. That’s strange. But, least I knew I wasn’t going to do it tonight. I guess I can breathe easy?
My mother nodded slowly, “Sure, you guys can maybe go to a movie or something?”
I guess this is what it means when they talk about the end in your life.
“Thanks, I think we’ll figure something out Mrs. Anderson. Thanks for inviting me and my family over.” The sweetness is almost too hard for me to hear anymore.
Finally, she nodded her goodbyes in the phoniest expression I’ve ever seen her do. She was truly one of those idiot mothers that had absolutely no clue how to act around people. She thinks that just because she spread her legs and had child, that somehow she understands pain and all that comes along. No fucking clue. I was miffed at the fact that I’m still alive and yet it feels as if this was a new kind of hell. I try to just get through the next moments; the ones that follow. Just knowing that I have nothing let to lose and nothing to gain; terrifying my mind. I feel a water start form again and I refuse to let it show. Not now. Not while he’s around. Who is he anyway?
Oh, I got an idea, “Hey, I’m really feeling tired, I think I’m going go to sleep early.”
I make my way past him and start taking off my sneakers, never once paying him a look. I feel like it’s maybe worked. He can’t bother me if I sleep right?
I feel his eyes but keep my quietness up regardless, “Why did you give me your ring?”
My ring… He knows. I did? Holy shit! Now what?
“Why do you say that?”
“Because it was you in my room that first night I was there. Why did you leave?”
I smiled shaking my head, clearing my throat. I really was stuck on this. My neck was starting to swell a little and I started to rub the spot. “I wasn’t even there. I have no idea what you’re talking about.” I sounded convincing a little.
“You mean this isn’t yours?” I looked up as Josh pulled my ring out of his pocket.
I looked at it for a second. The pink and emerald shine is so bright and knowing from a distance. I adored it.
But, clearly, yes, its mine; was. My only friend, Jeannie gave it to me before she was killed 5 years ago. It was the only thing that meant or had some value to me. But it wasn’t mine, not anymore. I have to let her go. I think I had when I gave it to Josh in a small way. I didn’t need it anymore. I must have been in daze when I remembered that he asked me something. I spoke the only way I know how.
“That isn’t my ring. It never was.” I didn’t catch his reaction because I was looking down.
Whenever Jeannie gets brought up I start to get really vulnerable and meek. I try to change the subject because its still with me. I feel like she’s still here. Sometimes I think she’s going to meet at the mall like we used to.
“OK, Well, I’m going to leave it here. If you wanna talk about anything, I can just listen.” Somehow, I’m doubting what everyone says.
Yeah, it wouldn’t be the best idea to talk about anything sad now. Besides, I don’t know how depressed I can get. I really don’t want to find out.
I strangely cleared my throat, burying the previous comments, “I’m really hungry now, do you wanna get something to eat?”
I figure if I suggest food I could get rid of him quicker. I hope.
He stands up, placing his hands in his jean pockets, “Sure, where would you like to go?”
Anywhere, “There’s a place 10 minutes away I know. Little café on the corner. Its not a Starbucks or anything.”
I turned my heel, assuming he would follow me downstairs. I have a weird feeling about all this. it’s the same feeling I get when I steal money from my mom. I was getting this nervousness tingling in all corners of my body. I felt like my emotions were getting the best of me again. Which they always are.
I jumped when he took my hand. I had to stop myself before I went any further. We were an inch away from the door and it was the strangest feeling ever. I felt at home all of a sudden. Like somewhere there was some inkling that I was going to be OK. I certainly read about this stuff but never really came to touch with it.
Certainly something I didn’t want to refuse. In my way, I let him touch me. Maybe because I’m not exactly all there. I thought about it before.
I turn around slowly, trying to be careful a little. I still don’t know him. I felt a little on the spot with that stare he’s giving me. I sighed deeply, letting out most of the nervous vibes that stuck on me. Maybe this was his way of reaching out. But why? Why did he care at all?
This was what I always wanted. Standing in front of me, that was it. But I was afraid. My mind was racing and I couldn’t make up my mind about his gesture. But I couldn’t let myself let go. I was too selfish to close off myself completely. I really didn’t want to die anymore.
I gave smile that I felt was as real as real can be, “Thanks, you know, for doing this. I don’t know what would happen if I found myself alone tonight. God knows what could happen.”
I felt as if I was rambling slightly but I guess he didn’t notice as he gripped my hand tighter but in a gentle way.
He nodded, agreeing with me, “I know exactly what you mean.”
Josh’s POV
My body was weak still but I was fully recovered as she drove the ten minutes to The Corner Bakery adjacent to her abode just like she pointed out to me. I offered to drive her but she insisted she handle it herself.
I couldn’t help myself. I felt connected to her. I wanted to keep staring at her but I didn’t want to seem like a crazy boozer in time’s square. She had this habit of constantly adjusting her hair. Like maybe she had to impress someone.
You’d think this was a date or something. Well, no. Wouldn’t go there quite so fast. It’s just getting some food with a hospital mate. But she’s more than that. Just wish I knew what it was. She’s this big cloud of mystery which bothers me more than anything. But than again, she gives herself away with her mannerisms.
I can’t help it, I’m an observant guy. Sue me.
We approach a small little bistro-like eatery and Mariah killed the engine. We meet each other on my side as I take hold of her hand again. Ever since she said she doesn’t want to be alone, I’m not letting her out of my sight.
Strangely, I had the same feeling too. We’re both in the same boat. I really couldn’t stand my life. Well I couldn’t stand the people in my life. Its always the people who drive you be at your worst.
The moment the blades cut at the pain, it was this freezing feeling of life being lifeless. My veins were open to the world and I didn’t have a care one bit. Everything was in slow motion. My eyelids grew heavy and I started to sleep. I wanted to stay asleep.
Suicide is something I’ve always thought was the only way I could stop everything. Not just the pain. But living. Getting through the moments and the emotions. Crying yourself to sleep was NOT a life I wished for myself.
But I wanted that life. I didn’t want a life, now its different. Somehow I’m pushed to be strong. If not for myself but for her.
The girl who’s hand I’m holding. I have to be. I just have to.
We quietly walk to the door and I make my way to open it before her. She does this little thing where she smiles and looks down. I took it in as we walk to the front desk to order.
I wasn’t really hungry but I guess I could eat something to make her feel better. She looks particularly gaunt and parched. Her face, though breathtaking, looks tightly chiseled and unhealthy looking. It scared me to see it.
We each ordered a salad and took our seats in the corner booth. The silence was excruciating as I crunched down a mouth full of caser salad. I watched her eat. She sits straight and ever so calmly nibbles on her salad.
I feel like I’m going nuts here. Here I am, sitting with a girl who drives me mad with all this secrecy. But why exactly am I crazy? She doesn’t owe me anything. Well, not entirely true. Her ring… I know there’s some story with it.
Whatever it is, must be really bad.
I couldn’t believe it. The whole time we ate, no one said anything. Not even a “hey this food is good” or a “its fucking freezing in here”. Which was an understatement to say the least. But nothing.
She barely made eye contact with me. Once in a while I thought she was peeking a look but than I realized the wall clock was behind me. Maybe she didn’t want to be around me, but I don’t buy that very much.
It was painful I tell you, but I actually made it through surprisingly. We sit in silence again. I tilt my head as I stare. Someone should say something or I’m going scream. I’m glad it was her though.
“I’m sorry if you feel like I’m ignoring you. I guess talking about what’s really going on wouldn’t make much difference.”
I nod my head weirdly but I got the gist of it. But I wasn’t sure if it was me that caused any of this. Could be the paranoia, but than I could be right on. Who knows?
“I see, well, what would you like to talk about?” I wanted to suggest something to kill away the soundless noise.
It looked like she was in thought, but than I saw a smile flicker and I hoped this was a good start. “What kind of things turn you on? Like things in life?”
I was blown away with the boldness that dripped from the question. Came out of double left field. I exhale as I answer, “Gosh, well, I don’t to be vague and I say “everything” because, well, there’s so much that I don’t agree with. I would probably say tolerance, patience, and people who allow themselves to feel. Seems kind of general but those are the main thoughts that go through my head usually everyday.”
Yes, I was rambling and I mentally kicked myself for being so aloof but she didn’t care to mind. She appears to be thinking more than talking. A good quality, maybe I should give it a try.
She seems deep in thought. I didn't want to disturb anything. I didn't want to take anything away either. I didn't know what she was gonna say and it was fucking exciting.
“What kind of feelings?”
Don’t really know where these are going but I’m in for the ride, “Love, compassion, respect, well I guess that's more of a rule than a feeling. But I could feel respect, couldn’t you?”
She laughed, it was wonderful to my ears, “Yeah, I suppose. I feel respect, or try to feel it most of the time.”
Some things don’t change. “Yeah, again, it was one of those yes or nos. But I guess since the question was strewn a little off I’ll let it slide this time.”
I wink at her playfully earning a scoff from her, “Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind.”
Yeah, it looked as if I was conversing, it was kind of good.
When You Put Your Hands On Me by Mariah
Mariah’s POV
I couldn’t believe it, for the first time in a long time, I was actually enjoying myself. Strangely, I was allowing myself the pleasure. It felt really amazing. My whole body was lit up and I was so energetic I couldn’t believe it was still me. I guess he has that affect on me. It's a good thing too.
It's OK to let yourself feel. I hard to learn it this way, but hey, least I learned it. I was mind boggled with questions. I wanted to know so much without seeming nosey. All I know if I haven't stopped smiling yet.
Who knew I had a smile? I knew I had teeth, but a smile? Nah… I was really happy. I also I had this feeling I was going to lose 5 pounds just on laughing. I had no idea Josh would be this funny. It wasn’t one of those dry humors that you have think about to get it. It was smart but it was just funny. I missed that.
I would have these moments where I would just stare at him after a laughing fit, he caught me and would just smirk and that would make me laugh even harder. The oddest thing would happen. My whole mind was cleared of the clutter that held me closed for so long.
Well, I wouldn’t say my life was as worst as a vagabond, it certainly felt that way to me. Sometimes I would get these strange nightmares where something would stab and leave me to bleed to death. I had these nightmares frequently. I would wake up in sweat and than take the inevitable abuse that ensued from the day.
When I say abuse, I mean social services, belts, hands, fists, black eyes, scratches, abrasions, deep-sedated injuries stemming from just being there as their daughter. My father would beat me more than my mom. My mom was always a weak bitch when it came to actually physical abuse. My father was the winner in the matches. I mean that, he always won. I didn’t know what was wrong, one day I was just sitting there and than the next… BAM, right in the temple. I got used to him saying “take it, stop crying”. He is what he is and fuck him to hell for it.
My childhood was barely a blip on the radar. I knew who I was at school, but others thought different. People thought I was seriously disturbed all because I didn’t run my fucking mouth all the time. I wouldn’t talk to people. Most would stay away because of the obvious abuse. Everyone thought I was white trash or something. No one sought out a helping hand offering. I wouldn’t say I was completely alone, but it got worse for me when I hit high school.
Things were messy when I would attempt anything. I would try at something and get distracted often. I guess you could say I was pretty emotional for a lot things. Mostly all girls are insecure at some point in life.
I would keep diaries but never really commit to them. I find that writing out my thoughts only reminds me of what I lost and the pain I deal with. I felt like nothing would change for me. I wasn’t a lost cause but I was certainly a case study for Time Magazine. In a way, I was an individual, but I guess that’s a fancy word for alone.
That’s what I hated for the most part. And people didn’t understand me because of it. I always said, what’s the point of crying if you’re crying alone? There isn’t and the same thing goes for writing. What’s the point of it, if you do it ALL for you? Somehow its incomplete if you’re doing it for selfish reasons. I was that girl, still am that girl.
I think we all want to be liked secretly and society is just high school on a periodic cycle. It’s brutal but what we had learned of most Americans is that they get offended so easily its fucking insane. Typical American attitude is that the white men rule the world with an iron first while the intellectuals suffer a slow agonizing death of destroying the first amendment while the rich white man triumphs so he can fill his fucking fat ass pocket.
One of the big things I’ve learned from just dealing with people in life is the fact that dishonesty is notarized as a regiment of daily life. Sad. Should I worry? Probably not, as long as there’s a Josh, its OK.
I was curled up on the couch sitting aimlessly watching some reality show with Josh on my right. We were making fun of how the TV is overpopulated with too much reality TV and that anyone who likes the shows have extremely low self-esteem and should be left bleeding to death under the moonlight.
Well, the last part was in my thoughts and not vocalized but a girl can dream right?
“I can’t believe what the world is reduced to even 80s TV would have been a better choice than what we’re force-feed with this shit. It’s a crime you know? Someone should be tried.”
He laughed, pushing me playfully, “Just give me the names, a good fact checker, and some high ass attorneys to boot and we’re good to go. We’ll make a good team.”
I rolled my eyes, if only dreaming if it was that easy, “Yeah, I can see it now in bright lights, our claim would be thrown out the second I get it notarized. I think I’ll just stick to putting around for quality TV until then…”
He points his finger at me, “Sounds pretty optimistic, I’m too lazy to sue anyone now too. While we’re at it, wanna watch something else?”
I was picking at nails and biting them a little, “I guess, what else is on?”
He snatched the remote from the lamp stand next to him and started surfing. It seemed like all that was on was shit and more shit. TV is really dominated from that crazy reality shit. It’s hopeless, TV makes my head hurt.
I folded my arms as Josh thumbed through the end of the line of channels. The was nothing on, well nothing remotely interesting.
My head started to ache again and I turned my body around swinging my legs around, placing them on top of Josh’s lap. He jumped at my gesture and looked a little confused. We were close enough for this, right?
“Sorry, am I making you uncomfortable?”
“Not really, just surprised a little.”
I nodded carefully, “OK, just thought you wouldn’t mind maybe. I think we talked about everything tonight. Well, everything we could stomach.”
He cradles my feet and starts rubbing them. I relax a little more as he does this. “Not everything. Tomorrow’s a new day. I literally just met you 7 days ago. There‘s always more to talk about.”
My eyebrow raised, “Like what? I felt like Paris Hilton the way I was talking about myself. Well, only my boobs are real.”
“I’ll be the judge of that. I’m a certified doctor in my own right.”
“What right is that, Doogie Houser MD practice?”
“Close, I used to have hats on this.”
“Ah, sounds like they missed someone on To Catch A Predator.”
I liked this, we were obviously joking, but I was really enjoying this game. I wanted to see how far he would go. I can last as long as it takes.
He rubbed a little harder than before. “Ouch! Josh, come on, I was kidding.”
“I know, I just wanted to hear you moan again. When was the last time you had your feet massaged?”
Good question. I’d remember something like that, “Don’t know. I guess you’re the first. You popped my feet cherry.”
I poked at his dimples. He seemed to look more at my feet than me. As long as he’s doing what he’s doing, I don’t care either way.
“Yeah, guess you could say that. There’s officially nothing on TV. What’s on the agenda now?”
“Well, no pressure right? I don’t know, you wanna go swimming?”
Why did I say that?
Josh’s POV
I jumped back a little, I was kind of shocked she would say that. Swimming? Umm… “I don’t have a suit.”
Lame answer, not sure why I was saying no. Maybe because it was her that asked. But in a way, I was relieved she asked.
She placed her hand over mine, I felt its heat, wasn’t sure what to make of it yet. “That’s OK. You just wear what you got on. I will too.”
Mariah? Swimming? Wearing hardly anything? Oy… not sure where this is going. Can I handle it? I barely know her, but there’s nothing else going on.
“OK, you wanna go now?”
She hoped off the couch and I knew what she was about to say. “Sure, let’s go. I’m so bored.”
I reluctantly got up, sort of dragging my body behind her. She placed her hand on my chest.
“Can you wait outside while I change?”
My eyes crossed each other slightly, “Oh, OK. I guess I’ll do the same out here. I’ll wait for you outside, OK?”
I didn’t know what I was doing but I wanted to see where it would go. She nodded and stepped into the room to change.
I took a huge breath and thought about something. But what was there to think about? I started putting away those feelings as I stripped down to my boxers.
I felt a little weird. I took a seat on the loveseat behind me and waited. I picked my clothes and placed them next to me on the couch.
My body had grown stiff all over since she mentioned swimming. How was I supposed to react? What would you say? All these things bothered me as I heard the door open and I saw her walk out.
It was obvious she was scared too as she started pulling her over-sized T-shirt down to her knees. I couldn’t stop staring at her legs. I felt frozen until she walked closer to me. I kept my distance, just in case.
We walked quietly outside as she leads the way. There were towels already laying near the poolside on top of the recliner lounge chair.
I was really cold now. I shivered where I stood but I instantly warmed when she held my hand. I looked at her with a smile on my face. She had this mischievous expression I couldn’t decipher.
“Come on, do you wanna just jump in or you wanna try the spa first?”
Tough, “Spa maybe, than we could jump in and scream at how cold its gonna feel.”
She rolled her eyes, “Scream? Who’s fooling who? You’re gonna squeal.”
She stuck her tongue out and I just laughed at the silliness. But she’s probably right. Gotta admire the accuracy still.
I follow her to the navy marble bath. I was so cold I just dove in as Mariah turned up the bubbles. She climbed in the far corner.
As the bubbles accelerated into the warm water, I started to relax. I almost started to close my eyes a little than I forgot I had company. I felt like I could sleep in here but I fought myself to keep calm.
Things were quiet again and it didn’t sound good. I thought this was over with. It was than that I looked over at her. She was biting her lip, avoiding my glare. She caught my eyes and I instantly turned away.
“What? You look like you wanna say something?” Her voice was small and quiet.
Among other things, “Actually, this was so relaxing I almost dosed off there. Its been a while since I’ve done anything like this. So…”
I was playing with the bubbles, collecting them in a pile and letting them dissolve into the sullen liquid.
“Same here. I’m not really a spa person anyway. I just wasn’t sure what you wanted to do. You seemed kind reluctant anyway. Having fun there?”
She gestured to my bubble game, moving closer. I was feeling more at ease too again. “Yeah, you should try it. It’s my own little way of not being nervous.”
Fuck, why did I do that? She interrupts my little game by clamping her hands onto mine. It didn’t scare me but I’m glad she brought me out of my distraction.
“Its OK. I do that too. You’re just more obvious about it.”
“Probably, can I have my hands back now?”
She lifted her hands up as something else started to lift up at the wrong time. I guess willing it down what do shit. Great, just fucking great. What if she noticed? Well, yeah, she had that look again.
She giggled and I instantly turned crimson.
Come Away With Me by Mariah
Mariah’s POV
I was trying hard not to pinch myself at how myself fun I was having. Don’t wanna sound like I’m on a loop but I was really having the time of my life. It felt as if we were old friends catching up, delving into out mundane lives. The times of ease.
I relaxed, feeling completely my true self. I had no idea what was going through his mind but I was on overdrive
I was very happy. But every time something good happens I usually feel like the wind will be knocked out of my sail at any given time or place. I had this feeling. I guess you can call it paranoia. Ever since I was younger, it was kind of one of my trademarks.
Josh told me he was going through a lot on his own. Most emotions are guarded behind closed doors. I always thought that’s where your true self exists.
I always dreamed of finding that one person that I could be real with. Seems like the wait is over. I know that person has a name. It’s a reassuring feeling finally. it’s a big shocker that someone could just sit there and listen. A rarity among the human race.
I used to be, well, I’ll just say I shared a couple of interests with this one girl. I know you’re thinking I’m selfish but hear me out. She was a tall, lanky girl, striking looking, self-conscious to beat, and annoyingly busy as fuck. That was her downfall. I couldn’t understand it. I bare my soul to the wrong people.
Anyway, she who will remain nameless hardly ever kept her promises. It was like I was the “friend” part of the circle while she, (not trying to knock anyone for trying to make a living, which was a hell of a lot more well off than my situation) barely made any effort to call or acknowledge that I exist. Was I that repulsive to her? I used to ask myself that a lot.
I had had enough and long story short, the girl denied it to death. It was a sad time but I’m well good and over it now. Just felt like so long ago, makes me cherish my time more than before, which was probably why I was so skeptical of anyone.
I can’t stand behavior like hers. This was after Jeannie’s death. I was still in my sedated trance and was reaching for any help I can get short of joining her in heaven. I didn’t want to die and tried everything I could to sort of out when I needed to get through what was going on. I don’t understand death, I never did and probably never will.
People are hard to believe sometimes. Trust is a tricky bastard. I wish and will it in my life but I get disappointed. Its worse when you didn’t see it coming. Gotta give it to them, some are good actors.
I felt sad now. A little possessive but sullen. More like a little pissed now. I wish he could take me with him. Away from this loud, obnoxious hell once the door closes. You may think I whine a lot, and you’re right.
I think if I could have one power it would be to hear thoughts. Although it would have the obvious side effects. If I’m not specific I could hear everyone’s thoughts. If I had my pick, just Josh’s thoughts would do. Possibly Karl Rove’s. Depends on what mood I’m in.
It was 11:11pm and time was winding down. Honestly, I just wanted him to stay. I never wanted anyone to stay. I hated all the people my parents brought over. Mainly because if you tend you like fakeness, you most likely relate to it. My mom always acted like she was Kathy Hilton or some shit. She’s not in the story much, I try to ignore her as much as I can.
After we got dressed, we got bored with TV and decided to check out my yearbook, well, he wanted to. God knows why. I think I was talking about high school it led to the yearbook. I can’t believe I kept it, those were the most vicious years of my life.
I know everyone says that about their experiences, (the lucky ones in cliques don’t) but mine is as true they get. I was branded the “waste of space” by our graduating class. Boys were boys and girls were bitches. Typical mean girls straight out of the ideal picture of stereotypes.
But I was looking at it again. Reminding myself what a failure I felt like. All those names and fights that broke out. I shook my head of those memories. It needed to be buried.
“Mariah, are you OK?”
I gave him a passing smile, well the best I could do. “Yeah, just forgot about those times. It all came back.”
We were lying down next to each other on our elbows. I could tell he wanted to know more but I was ready to be so open. Even if I was building trust.
“Yeah, my experiences weren't the greatest either. I went to a private school and all we did was count the minutes while we thought about graduating a virgin.”
“There is only one man.”
“Never thought of it that way but I guess you have a point.”
“How important is it really? Would it have been so bad if you stayed that way?”
He licked his lips, “Maybe… I always thought about waiting but the peer pressure was too strong and I didn’t think about much when I lost it. I felt like every guy I know and it was a shitty feeling. Regret is the one thing I can’t forget. I treated it like nothing. If I had to go back I would have waited til I found someone more durable…”
I giggled, “Like a paper towel?”
He laid on his back, “I meant more worth it. I shouldn’t have listened to everyone when they told me I had to do this. I didn’t have to do anything and that was the problem.”
I felt sad. I didn’t know what to say. Its not easy thing avoiding people you’ve called friends or forget them. My mind is jumbled with my own experiences. I could get stuck like this so I quickly erased them before I did.
“To each is own. Its hard to say no sometimes. I think a lot people lie and they don’t have regrets, I try not to let it get to me so much. I don’t live by most of society’s rules anyway. Its demeaning to follow. Some rules are meant to be broken anyway.”
He looked kind of stumped. His lips curled upward as if he was taking in what I was saying. I knew I wasn’t that convicting, I always spoke that way. It was news to me why he reacted that way.
“Maybe you’re right. The problem was I was trying too hard to please everyone else. It was one thing that knocked off everything else that followed. This could be one those topics that turns into something we might regret.”
Could be, “OK, what time is it now?”
He glanced at his watch, “Not too late, well for me, 11:47pm. We’ve done a lot things. Do you have any ideas?”
I yawned, giving myself away, “No, did you want to stay the night or something?”
Uhoh.
Josh’s POV
I hadn’t thought of staying here. But if I did, would it make a difference? She said she didn’t want to be alone and I stayed. But stay the night?
I don’t know why but I was cornered. I didn’t know if I should. But I’m a grown man I should be able to make up my own mind. I had a place. Maybe she could come with me. I had a guest room she could stay in. I always used it for my brother or friends from late nights.
I was really confused. Did I want her with me tonight? It’s not a marriage proposal, I’m not growing feelings in the one day of meeting her, what the fuck is it? Well, what am I waiting around for; I knew what to say.
“Mariah, do you wanna come with me? I mean maybe stay over where I live? I figure it would be easier and if your mom and dad don’t mind.”
She stopped me with her hand, “I don’t need permission from them. If I had a chance to get out I’d take it.”
“So, you’ll come with me?”
“Yeah I guess. Where do you live?”
We both got up as I spoke, “Not too far. It took a while before because I was driving my car. Did you wanna get some things together? I can wait outside if you’d like?”
She nodded quickly, “Yeah, thanks.”
I gave a smile and walked outside her room, waiting in the living room.
I took a seat on the couch and rubbed my eyes with my palms. Tonight has been interesting. I met someone I never thought I’d meet and like. I feel like she’s the opposite of me, but it seems to work.
I’m enjoying myself for the first time and it feels amazing. I wish this surge of empowerment could last forever. Well maybe that’s a bit of a stretch but I just don’t want it to leave. I don’t wanna keep away from her. Not tonight. Especially with her confession she relayed. I also had the feeling that something would happen to me too. Like I might try something.
Visiting my parents were bad enough. I wasn’t ready. They couldn’t understand me. Not even my friends understood what happened. They acted as if nothing phased them. Well, least it looked that way with how they handled it.
A lot of people were shocked that I, JC, would commit something so unspeakable and unassuming amongst all the “happy” faces that were thrown around me every which way. No one ever seems to pay attention to the underlying notes. The secrets that no one cares to pluck out.
Maybe I’m an uber thinker but I feel a lot of the time that hardly anyone seems to take the time out for anyone. With all the random ADHD galore, its difficult to pick out who’s particularly the worst.
Pessimistic, I know, but there’s a lot that needs to be confronted and if no one is going to do it, the time has come.
I must have dosed off because I noticed Mariah’s dark chocolate eyes right in my face, almost hitting me back to the checkpoint.
“Hey, you ready?”
Her hand was on my knee, too distracting but it was good enough to shake me out of my daze. “Uh, yeah, you all set?”
She nodded a yes as I saw her duffle bag on her shoulder. I got up and we headed outside to my car.
I was kind of embarrassed because I hadn’t cleaned the inside of it for a while. I wasn’t living in it or anything, but Newsweeks and Time magazines as well as my gym clothes in the back seats. Actually it kind of looked like I was camping out for a week, which was still embarrassing.
I unlocked the doors and opened her side. I was hardly a guy who would do this but it was part of the protecting her that I promised myself. I really did. I wanted her to be safe, not just tonight, but every night that follows.
Thank God there wasn’t anything on the shot gun side. I closed the door and jogged over to my side. As I got in and turned on the engine, I gave her a look and she caught it, smirking a little but I believe she got me.
I backed out of the drive and started my commute back home. Things were silent for moment but it was a good silence. It was more of I understand you and we didn’t need to say a lot to know what we’re trying to say.
I felt her take my free hand from my lap and hold onto it tight. I loved how subtle it was. It didn’t scare me, it made me content that she was comfortable around me. I want her to be. I wasn’t going to let anything happen to her. Not under my watch.
“I hope that wasn’t too corny. I mean you did rub my feet, we’re past the small nervous stuff by now.”
I exhaled, “Nah, I’m just glad it was only my hand that came up this time…”
I was joking just in case she was thinking about earlier.
I looked at her and she had this confused look plastered on her face. “What else would come up?”
I blushed, “Never mind."
Mariah’s POV
I was so fucking glad I made it out of the house alive; it was a close call. I joined him as we walked hand in hand to the front door.
I looked around me, taking in the lifestyle. I wanted to memorize what I saw and lock it up forever. It was peaceful and I wasn’t scared to be at the back end of any surprising incidents. I was truly safe.
I looked at Josh, as he struggles with the keys trying to open the door. I look at his hands, so solid. Strong and serene enough not to betray me. I surely hope so. His hands could caress my bleak nightmares and erase any trace of all-knowing imminent danger. I wanted those hands protecting me from whatever. Safe and secure, I was scared when I knew. I wish he could know that. I wanted to tell him.
I shook myself mentally, he spoke so soft I almost didn’t hear him.
“Sorry, what did you say?” I felt sheepish, standing outside the door.
He touched my hand gingerly, “I said would you like to come in?”
I blushed, laughing, kicking myself for being so dense. I nodded and stepped inside with him. He took my jacket and hung it up as well as my bag and placed it out of our way.
“Thank you.” My voice was small, like a child’s.
He waved as if swatting a fly in the air. “Its not a problem. I was getting wiped myself. I wasn’t sure if you wanted to be alone tonight.”
This keeps getting brought up. I guess me dying would be a bad thing? I suppose I find it hard to believe anyone thinks so. To me it was just as arbitrary as war or disease. Maybe that made better since in my head. I considered everything.
But he was on the right track, “Yeah… I’m sorry if I’m not all there.”
“Come on, let me show you something.”
I followed him outside as he led me to the upstairs roof. I was trying to keep up with him because he was walking a litter faster than me. I guess it was urgent. I wondered what was going on as he opened the door.
I was smiling and I didn’t know why, “Josh, what is this?”
It was just a roof, I didn’t get it.
He didn’t say anything and brought me to the corner. “Just hold on.”
He leaned his back against the edge, “I came here a lot, before the hospital. Haven’t been up here in a while. Whenever I would feel shitty I could come up here and it would just dissipate.”
I mimicked his motions as I drank in his image. I felt like if I said anything it would disrupt the nice atmosphere that surrounded us. He had a really amazing view. One of those views that you can sit from and watch all day until you feel like getting up.
I looked at him. The dark cool breeze painted his face in a multi-colored design I wasn’t familiar with. I loved looking at his face. I trace the image with my eyes, ever so slowly I reach every cut and corner. I remember this moment. This feels so… mystical.
I didn’t let go of his hand. I didn’t want to. I loved the warmth and the conviction in his gesture. We turned around to view the various lights and different colors painted by the city.
This moment was perfect. If I could use that word for anything, its now. The way he was looking, startled my body. I was trembling under his stare. My hair was blowing in my face and I swiped it out of the way.
I was visibly shaking. I tried everything I could to hide it but than I noticed the way he was moving almost like he wanted to admit something.
Words would ruin things now. I didn’t want to say anything because I knew he felt the same. I was lucky. I felt honored in a way.
I found a friend.
I sighed deeply, trying to not sound so out of breath. He was looking at me and I looked away. I didn’t feel ashamed but there was so much in eyes I couldn’t bare the sight.
“I just met you today.”
“Last week. We met last week.”
“I told you, that wasn’t me. Still… Don’t look at me like that.”
“Like what? Like you were?”
I was caught again but I couldn’t show it. I was so mixed up in him that I couldn’t control myself. I can’t let this happen. I can’t for any reason, allow myself to be this free. Way too many variables.
“No, I wasn’t doing anything.”
He sighed with a slight groan. I could tell he was mad and I couldn’t blame him. He was trying but I didn’t want him to try. I was caging myself off for a good reason.
“I’m starting to get tired. We could go inside if you want.”
I really felt like I was going to cry myself dry, but nothing. Can’t be open.
I silently nod as we walk back downstairs back to his apartment. The only sounds heard were the crickets and our feet hitting the stairs in warehouse echo staircase.
He was jogging in front of me and didn't even acknowledging my presence once. When we reached the door he left it open for me. I stood still for a second waiting outside. I wasn’t sure if I should step in. I was scared.
I shivered as I cautiously stepped inside trying not to make him anymore mad than he looks. Reminds me of the moments before I would get smacked around. My dad would grab my hair and drag me all around the house until he found a corner. I scream for anyone but I knew it was no use. I killed my voice screaming so much. But my mom didn’t do anything to help. For that, I was stuck, and my only reason was to end it all. I figure things are much more peaceful when you’re not living.
They still are. I can’t deal with trusting someone now. But I didn’t want to kill myself, it didn't make sense.
I shut the door behind me as quietly as I could manage. I took a seat on the couch and sort of fell in. It was one of those fluffy quicksand furnishes that seemed fake but felt really comfy. I bathed in the comfort.
I didn’t know what to do now. I saw him come out of his room, again not looking in my direction. I wish I knew what I did to make him this mad. I didn’t know if I should just find out myself.
I was still shaking from before. I gave away my true colors when he caught me. He sees through this but he can’t. It’s not up to him to save me. Especially when he gets mad for silly things.
I suddenly hated myself. Hated myself for these strong feelings I harbored.
Feeling the tears, I just let them fall. I was destroyed and I did it to myself.
Josh’s POV
I wasn’t doing this on purpose. Mariah wasn’t supposed to look like that. She looked away and my insides broke. I wouldn’t say I was really mad, but I was torn for sure.
Finally, she was opening herself and I thought she agreed with me. Perhaps I’m beating myself too hard on this. I know she felt it. I knew it. I caught her showing me a different side that I could tell she doesn’t show to most people.
I didn’t feel all together sleeping by myself. I was worried about her. I couldn’t close my eyes without thinking about her. Even if I know she’s safe here, I still want to check.
I rubbed my eyes and walked back to the living room. My face instantly woke up at the sight. I see Mariah curled up with her eyes relaxed and closed, least that I know of. My grievances had vanished.
My features softened as I approached her sleeping form. My steps were fluid and I wanted to not interrupt her so suddenly. Her face bore hardships I didn’t notice before. There were lines between her eyes preventing her from full repose.
I didn’t want to leave her here. I wanted her close to me. Somewhere I could watch over her. I ever so slightly try and cradle her body in my arms and pull her up, trying my best to be careful.
I was surprised she didn’t even stir as I started back to my room. I hear little moans and try not to let it deter what I was doing. Everything about her is a huge distraction. I have to push it out.
I place her on the folded side of my bed, I hear her speak.
“Mmh? Josh, what are you doing?”
It was more than a curiosity than being annoyed. But I don’t need to think about resolving this now. Especially when she’s barely conscious.
I shook my head, being gentle as I could, “Don’t worry about it, Mariah. Try and sleep.”
She stretched her body a little before slipping off her shoes. She dove into the covers and I finished covering her up.
I sucked my lip in and just looked at her. Eyes barely open in slits and her mouth slightly ajar. She looked too innocent. My mind was racing on things to tell her, ask her. I had to keep quiet until the time was right.
I got up and set aside her shoes against the end of the bed. I picked up my clothes that I left on the sides and tossed them into the basket.
“You know what I’ve wanted to say for so long?”
I stopped as I heard the breathy question. My back was still until I turned around to face her. I was scared to find out the answer truth be told. I don’t know how many surprises I could stomach.
But something deep inside wanted to know regardless.
“What's that?”
She moans and I get better at avoiding how good it sounds.
“I’m a super fucked up. I scare myself sometimes and I don’t care. A lot of what I say is not worth it. I can’t live with that. I still have thoughts of last week. How I could have handled it. Knowing that I would be in a better place once it happened. There’s a lot you don’t know and that’s the way it should be. I don’t want to be rescued by anyone, but with you, it comes natural to accept it. Maybe I’ll forget about this tomorrow I don’t know. But I wanted you to know that.”
How do I come to terms with something like that. One minute she’s this big mystery, and than its like she wants a confidant. I wrap my thoughts around what was revealed and pause.
Maybe she knows a lot more than she’s given credit for.
“Well, some things are just too complicated to understand. It doesn’t have to be that way. But whatever I say, probably will be forgotten in the morning.”
She sits on her elbow, staring at me. “No, I just felt like I should say something for what happened on the roof. Long story short, I’m a fuck up. That’s the first time I owned up to that. Funny…”
I pulled up a chair next to the bed, “I’m sure that’s not really what’s going on. But I don’t want to place judgment when I don’t have the facts.”
She smirks, “I used to think that way.”
We both exhale from the day. I was so tired and out of it. Well, I wasn’t bored with chatting. I could if I wanted to, do this all night. She needs someone as much as I do. We need each other. At least one thing was certain.
I smiled at her, taking her hand, “Are you feeling tired?”
She does this thing with her eyes where she slowly trails up to look directly at me. Sexy as hell. I can’t help these thoughts now. They’re seeping through me like honey. I wanted this feeling to last and last.
“I’m scared to close my eyes. Lay with me, please?”
“Of course.”
When the Morning Comes by Mariah
Mariah’s POV
I could just watch him sleep all day. He’s one of those peaceful sleepers. One day I’ll be able to hone that. Considering what he’s been through himself, I find it hard to believe he just allows himself a fast recovery.
Joshua is a complicated creature. I loved his maturity. I respected it more. He’s one of those rare finds that seems to turn up once in a blue moon. I hardly looked at a guy this much. I never even cared to fall in love.
I think you have to believe in the idea before you allow yourself such an emotion. I wouldn’t call it anything yet mainly because I haven’t a clue what the fuck it is. Its most definitely not the romance taboo. Far from it. But I tend to have a habit of judging things to the elk before I know what it means. I’m strange, thank you very much.
But I wonder about it a lot. I wonder how your life can change with the feeling of those words. I think the women tend to picture men saying it first. Does it matter? Maybe it does, who knows what’s going on with people in love. Its an odd word to me now.
The only problem with Josh is that he’s, well, he’s not like everyone else. He’s not a robot. He listens more than talks. He’s sensual without knowing it. He’s too goofy for his own good. He’s kind of slow when it comes to punch lines. Now that one bothers me a lot when I have to explain why things are funny. He chews with his mouth open. OK, I do that too but he does it like its nothing! He does thing were he sucks in his lip when he’s trying to think. It’s actually really cute.
I lay still, my eyes open as I listen to the sounds. He doesn’t snore but its obvious he’s deep in the sleep. I felt like touching him. My body was screaming it like a siren. I was shaking, I did the stupid thing and willed it to stop but that only made it more egregious.
I wanted to touch him badly now. I wanted him to hold me. I didn’t feel cold but I shivered. But everything was moving so slowly now. I wanted to get away now without waking him up. I thought he was so deep into it maybe he won’t notice.
Then I felt him move around as if stretching. He did what I call the guy groan. It feels like I was in a soap or something post-sex morning. Only we didn’t have the sex.
While he was moving around, almost like I wasn’t there. When he hit my leg his eyes strung open. He looked right at me making me jump.
“Hi,” I wasn’t sure what to say.
He blinks his eyes, “Hey, what time is it?”
I look about the room and spot a crystal clock next to me, “8:43, I’m still feeling tired though.”
He took hold of my hand, shocking my semi cold skin with the warmth. “Let’s stay then. We can get up when you’re ready.”
I relaxed a little more and covered myself up. I tried taking his advice it was hard to go back. I was one of those that once I wake, I can never make myself sleep. Sucks, I know.
If I had my way, I could just lay here between sleep and awake and just daydream. There was a moment where I thought it would possible. Clearing your mind. Its harder than anything else.
I felt him fidget around, seems like maybe he can’t sleep either.
“Josh?”
He opened his eyes, “Yeah?”
“What’s going to happen now?”
“What do you mean?”
“With us, not in that way, I mean, are we going to try something again?”
“You mean?”
I nodded, “Yeah, what happens when we go back? Are you ready to face them?”
He rubbed at his eyes, facing me laying on his side. He wore a blank expression. “No, not yet. If I face them now, I’ll feel worse.”
I let out a breath. I was strangled with too many thoughts. They were about to burst in my mind and I felt like I was trapped. If I had my way, I say that a lot, I would stay here until I was ready.
But I can never face them. I don’t want violence to ensue as soon as I open my mouth. I didn’t need more stress piled high.
I knew if I did do anything, I would be signing my death warrant. I took Josh in my arms and all the cares slowly melted away. I want to stay here, just like this, its so easy, yet difficult to get away with.
“Hey, its alright. I don’t know what’s going to happen but I won’t let anything happen to you. I know these are just words but I promise you this.”
I pulled away, trying not to smother him anymore. I covered myself with the sheets, securing the absented warmth.
“I know. Its going to be hard though. How can I just go back there and live like nothing happened. I don’t want to go back to my life when I know that its going to mess me up again. Knowing that, I just need some space. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”
I feel his hand reach for mine underneath the sheets. He was more like clasping my hand. I felt the urgency and the similar hold on the current situation. I really hope there’s a way to deal with what happened. I was so scared to go back there.
I wonder what are they thinking now that I didn’t come back. Their poor little daughter kidnapped at night. They probably think I scared Josh away or something. If he did, it’d be like in one of those Susanna Carr romance novels. Now that I think of it, everything about this sounds as if it was a book. But its one those stories that won’t get any reviews. I know if I was a writer, I could never earn anyone’s praise that easily. I swear you have to join a cult or something for anyone to notice you.
I wanted to get up but I was too glued down. He seemed so tried and I didn’t wanted to bother him. Especially when he graciously took me in when no one cared. I owe a lot to him.
Maybe if I just drift off, all my problems would just go away for good. Dare to dream of course.
Josh’s POV
I lay awake but with my eyes closed. I couldn’t fall asleep now that she’s not asleep.
I couldn’t say anything else because I was going through the same thing with my parents. The ones who supposedly “cared”. My parents weren’t fake or anything but they have a tendency to be busy a lot.
I would have times where they would call me every month and than it got longer and I haven’t spoken or seen them in a year. Then now this happens.
I ask myself what I did it. Why I decided to make this choice. The thing was, I didn’t have a choice. When you ask anyone why they are the way they are, you usually get a blank stare. But I know why I did this. I didn’t do it for attention or the fact the most of my life people were cold to me (it was a factor) I did it for me. For feeling. To feel something other than the same shit everyday usually.
A lone soldier most of my life, I sequestered myself. It wasn’t so much the people but it was the fact that my life was so apathetic. There was no room for mistakes anywhere. It would nice if I had a reality check now and then.
I was numb from the faces around me. Growing tired of the same tricks and games, I didn’t have a purpose.
College never worked out for me. I was never good at concentrating on homework or tests. I had no real passion to save myself. I don’t know if I want to get back to work. Not when I found her. She was resting her eyes. I wasn’t sure if she was napping or really sleeping. I watched her breath with naked eyes. The creases around her lips reveal more of her.
Despite the weariness, she still looked breathtaking. Her lashes rested gently upon her cheek naturally. I was still holding onto her hand. Her facial features motioned.
Her lips were to inviting for the calling. They looked incredulously soft. I shook at the thought of touching them with mine. It was really hard but I did my best to ignore it, just like all the other sensations I felt.
I wonder what she’s dreaming if she’s dreaming. Am I anywhere? I wonder a lot when its Mariah. Its more than protecting her. Its something I don’t know but understand all too well.
I felt this way since a long ago, when I was with her. Before it was cold and dreary. She just walked away, out of my life. No nothing, no writing, I was left completely alone. All too shocked to fathom the possibilities.
I looked outside, erasing the memory as my eyes danced among the trees and city life active as I sit in my passive position. I’m curious of a lot of things.
There I go, turning into crazy manic Josh like when I was 16. I feel her crawl onto my chest as I observe.
She grabs onto my body as a sort of shield. I embrace her gesture, feeling as if no one else mattered. What’s going to happen?
“Josh, I’m really walking on egg shells. Should I just stay here and don’t go back?”
In a perfect world, this would be so easy to answer. “I don’t know. Maybe we should call your folks just in case. I don’t mind you here but they are your parents.”
I cursed myself at how overly dubious I was being. I hadn’t meant to say that but it was either that or, getting arrested for kidnapping. Which will probably prevent me from being with her.
She picked up her head with blue eyes. They were normally dark but as I look they are glassy and red. She was like a girl who lost her puppy. I bottled that look and swore I would never cause her that much pain. I would try to.
“I can’t, I don’t want to go back there now. There has to be another way to deal with this. I really have no where else to go…”
She got up and covered her eyes. I got up with her and took her in my arms. She felt so limp and unfeeling. I was scared.
She cried on my shoulder, it was torture. How was I going to fix this. People like her shouldn’t have to bare such stress and worry. I just held her despite my misgivings and doubts. It was a sad picture. I didn’t dream of this.
“I don’t know what’s going to happen but would you like me to go with you?”
I suggested something lightweight. I didn’t want her to be alone with all that’s happened.
She pulls back as our lips only an inch apart. She singes back as if I would bite her. I wished she wouldn’t be so terrified around me. But maybe its not me.
“I’m sorry, I-- I didn’t know I was so close.”
Maybe it was best not to touch but I can’t control the urge. I thought about touching her all the time since she came here. But I knew if I did, I would make things worse for her than me.
“Its OK. I shouldn’t be so skittish. I just don’t do this. Have never done this that much. But yeah, I think it would be great if you came with me. Least for when I see them. I would like that.”
Music to my ears and I didn’t care if she gave me a straight answer. Things were going to be OK, I had this feeling ever since I was young.
I Want You To Need Me by Mariah
Mariah’s POV
I realized there was no turning back. During the ride back to hell house I dreaded every minute I’m about to face. Holding Josh’s hand simmered the stress to a certain extent. There was this sharp pain in the pit of my stomach. We were almost there and I couldn't control this feeling. I wanted to scream out in the street and collapse on the pavement.
My head was spinning in circles and began to feel so sick. This is what they call a second chance? I wasn't going to make anything better with coming back.
I hadn’t a clue what I was going to do, say. I was trying to pace myself. You know, that whole clearing your mind thing? I could never do that.
I glance out the window as the car rounds the last corner. I’m literally counting the seconds back. I took a deep breath, suppressing my nerves to the best of my ability. I feel his hand squeeze and I turned around.
He held a sympathetic look and I was dying to know why can’t he just tell me what’s really going on. He’s been through the same act, why do I get this feeling that he’s a big fat liar. I hate being lied to. Just creates more drama you don’t need.
Josh pulls up near the driveway and parks on the curb. I drop his hand for the first time and hug my arms together. I shivered uncontrollably.
When it was completely silent I finally took in some air. “I guess this is it. See you in heaven.”
“Hey,” he touched my shoulder, “it won’t be like that, I said I would go inside with you. My parents will be there too, least this way we can face them together.”
I wasn’t phased. I wanted so badly to believe him but this was different. This was them. The people that weren’t human. They once even lied to a social worker when I was talking with the school therapist and let some things slip. They’re always hide who they really are to anyone. Now you know why I hate liars.
I open the door dismissively and I really didn’t care to say anything. What good will it do me? I closed the door and joined Josh on other side as we walked to my door.
I could feel myself getting cold and hot the closer I got. I began to walk backwards but Josh caught me like a butterfly net.
“Come on, I’m right here, I promise I won’t anything happ--”
“No Josh,” his grip wasn’t strong so I slipped away, “this is different. I don’t want you to get involved. You don’t know who they are.”
His eyebrows crinkled, “What do you mean? Weren’t they there at the hospital?”
“Yeah, but that’s not why they were there. Its too complicated, I don’t want you to get attached. Its not going to make it stop.”
He was getting a little upset, “Make what stop? What’s going on?”
Oh shit, I think I did it again. Flashbacks of high school scattered in my head. I hadn’t felt this way in 3 years. It seemed like forever to me. I guess I pushed it out so far I nearly forgot.
But that’s the problem. Once its here, it stays. Never leaves. All I can do is cry and scream at everyone.
I was going to break down. But I didn’t want to in front of him. He already knows too much.
I bolted my way past him and ran to my door. I couldn’t get the keys out fast enough as I heard footsteps trumping in my ear. I was struggling but I managed to get it opened. Success! I was free.
Shit, now we’re both inside. My stupid butterfingers. “Why are you doing this to me?”
“Because I have no choice. Come on, I’m not going anywhere. I told you that.”
Why won’t this nightmare cease? I slammed the door closed and began looking around for the parentals. I ran in the kitchen only noticing that everything was just like it was last night. I shook my head running every which way, calling out to them.
I didn’t bother checking my room. They never go in there even if they had the chance. Last place I checked was the backyard and the pool area. Normally I wouldn’t give a shit if they left in never came back, but something’s fishy here.
Where could they be? Did they come back and leave early? I rubbed my tired eyes and sat on the recliner behind me.
Josh finally caught up to me, almost out of breath. “Where are they?”
Fuck if I know, “Don’t know. They didn’t call me last night or today either.”
Why wasn’t I happy about any of this? I racked it over in my brain, going through all the scenarios. Did I care? Maybe.
“Weird. They can’t be still out with mine. But maybe they did come back last night and just went out.”
“But everything is exactly the same. Ugh, I don’t give a shit anymore.”
But everything was weird. They never go out much at night and than go out again in the morning. Well, hardly. My mom had some court dates some days but they’re always here.
Am I going crazy again? I covered my face with my palms, talking deep breaths. This never used to work but I thought I’d use it regardless.
I felt him sitting next to me on the couch, still trying to catch his breath. “I guess this is a good thing. Would it have made a difference if they were here?”
Are you kidding? “No, its just like how it always is, but I still get appalled. Maybe because I think things are going to change.”
“You want them to notice you? Is that the problem?”
Suddenly I found that I was spilling my life to a complete stranger. “Sometimes it is. But other times its out of my control. But its OK, I’m bothered so much by it anymore.”
“Clearly your strung up on it. But I won’t harp on it, not my place.”
“Good. Wouldn’t want you to lose a testicle.”
I looked over my shoulder and smirk as he starts laughing. “Ever hear of Tom Green? Lance Armstrong? I’ll still be alive. But at least I’ll have more room in my jockeys.”
I winked at him, “Good to know. So what do you wanna do now?”
“Is the Soup on?”
“No idea, I’ll check.”
I grabbed the remote and turned on the TV. I was on in a couple minutes so I just set it on the end of E! True Hollywood Story. It was a rerun. I rolled my eyes at the subject and placed the remote on the arm of the chair.
“Got a couple of minutes left. I’m so fucking hungry.”
I felt him get closer a little. Kind of scaring me but I liked it. “I could make something for us.”
“You? Make something? OK, the extinguisher’s in the corner.”
“Uh, was kind of hoping you would assist me? Come on, it’ll be fun.”
I protested with my hands, “No, I’ll miss my favorite show. I’m not getting up now.”
I folded my arms, staying solid in my position. I noticed the intro loading up and I smiled. I was so into watching the show I didn’t notice when Josh lifted up the recliner as I screamed for him to let me down.
Shit, I didn’t think he could hold me there that long.
“Josh come on, stop it.”
I started giggling and I fell down on my knees and flipped on my back. It smarted more than hurt me. You know those moments for you put humor over pain. This is one of those moments.
“Shit, god damn it Josh! Alright that’s it! Fuck you and get away from me.”
I got up as fast as I could and ran to the end of the hallway but my short legs were no match. I knew I was caught when I was held in place.
Fuck, snickey bastard. I didn’t this time but I felt his breath on my neck.
I was dead. My heart was racing. Everything inside me was certain. It all pieced together somehow. I closed my eyes and gulped slowly. I know he heard it. He knows I heard it. I was more than just caught in his arms.
It was the web of desire I could escape from. For so long I wished for excitement, this surge of beginning contentment. I wasn’t sure it was the real thing, but if I turned around I would find out how real.
Was I brave enough to do it?
Josh’s POV
I had her within this lock. I could hear nothing else but her. Her face, concealed the answers. I was eager, greedy to take what’s mine. She was mine. If she didn’t know so. No one can, will change that.
I was nervous, She was squirming a little. Was I holding too tight? I sort of understand but I wonder what’s her motive. Why she’s willing to pull away.
“JC?”
She hasn’t called me that yet.
“Yeah?”
She turned around and I was shocked to see tear lines down her face. Her eyes was glazed and I watched her lip tighten. I felt something stinging my eyes all the while.
“Do you think it could work?”
“What’s that?”
I wasn’t aware of this, but is she saying what I think she’s saying?
She shook her head unable to look me in the eye. Thank God, I was about to spill some tears myself. I couldn’t stand seeing her this upset.
“This? Can I make this work?”
Is she talking about… “I don’t understand…”
“I don’t wanna feel afraid anymore. Can we do this? I mean, can you be my friend?”
Friend?
If all the color drained from my face you couldn’t see it. But, internally I felt like I’m been stabbed. She wanted to be friends?
“Mariah, of course we can be friends.” I didn’t realize she didn’t know that.
She jumped out of my arms as the door burst open. We both looked at who was at the front.
Tall guy, 6”2, blue eyes, kind of looks he’d be in one of those 90s boy bands. Who was this fucker?
I looked at Mariah, her eyes went wide. “Oh my god, Jake!”
He ran over here as if he just came back from a jog-a-thon. Before I knew it, he was in front of us. Seriously, who is this guy?
Jake, I think that was his name, he took my Mariah in his arms and swung her around as I backed out of the way. I was skittish about this guy. All I knew was his name and I wanted to know how he knew her and why he was hugging her tightly.
He put her down and she tucked some hair behind her ear, “Jake, what are you doing here?”
She looked more surprised than happy, I was elated somewhat. I crossed my arms and narrowed my stare. What’s going on here?
“I came last week when you were in the hospital. Eric told me that you came home yesterday. I was trying to get out of work yesterday and pick you up, but I couldn’t get out early enough, it would have been too late. I’m sorry Mimi.”
Mimi? Where does he get off giving her nick names? Even if I don’t know, I decided to hate everything now.
Mariah nodded, “Oh, OK. Mom hadn’t mentioned you were coming at all. But where's Eric?”
Did anyone know I was still here? We have an intimate moment and this jack off fucks it over. I’m not mad, I’m just fucking irritated is all.
Jake gestures behind him, “He just dropped me off actually. My car’s not here but I wanted to come back here in case you were alone. We were very worried and we all care about you, Mimi.”
If you were so worried, why weren't you there at the hospital? And why didn’t I have my chance to pick a nick name? I could have picked a better one too.
Mariah finally looked at me, “Oh yeah, its OK. Josh is here. Josh this is Jake. He’s a family friend.”
Jake was thinking the same thing I was I could just tell. This Jake guy had a thing for my Mariah. Hell if he gets in my way. He looks like trouble. I’ll be watching him, that’s for sure.
Absence of Fear by Mariah
Mariah’s POV
Ever since Jake arrived, Josh has been acting like Dawson Leary. He followed us around as we talked, I found it disturbing. But Jake wasn’t doing anything. He couldn’t. Eric was so protective over me usually. Jake was Eric’s friend but he was always the kid that would come over everyday.
I knew him since middle school. His family moved from Seattle here because of his dad’s work. At first, I thought he was extremely annoying, but than I found out he’s one of those guys that doesn’t ignore girls.
Since than, we were growing friends but it was usually just he and Eric. Eric was the kind of guy who hung around with the strangest friends. Not that Jake was strange so much; I’d like to say he was “confused” identity-wise.
Jake was a hetero, don’t get me wrong, but he was prettier than me. I always thought he was gay because I hardly ever see him out with a female. I guess that that doesn’t count for a clue; still, I had an inkling. There were other clues. He went to culinary school and became obsessed with baking and pastries. If he was European, I’d get it, but he’s a Seattle flannel wearing grundger through and through so it’s a little tough to judge.
Jake offered to help with cooking some lunch for us. I agreed only if I get to set the table. I’m usually a table setter. So what? I’m lazy…
I almost met God last week; I think I’ve earned the lazy points.
After the table was set I wanted to finish watching The Soup while everything else was getting prepared.
Josh was so close to me it was kind of much now. I felt his eyes burning a hole and I wanted to tell him to back up a little bit but he was coming from a good place. Also, I was too into what I was watching to bother.
I knew it was going to bring me to my boiling point so I decided to break my concentration, “What?”
He acted like he wasn’t being weird. Nice job. “Nothing. How long have you known him?”
I closed one eye, actually counting the years, “Since I was 13. Why?”
He shrugged swatting at the question like it was nothing, “No reason. He’s acting a little too possessive of you.”
I gave a thin smile and rolled my eyes, “He’s always been that way. He was the one who found me last week. So I guess he was more shaken than my parents. Which makes sense.”
Josh played with the bottom hem of his shirt, “Do you like him?”
I raised my eyebrows, “Uh, no. He’s more like a brother to me. Where do you get that idea?”
He suddenly became interested in the show. “Don’t you love it when Joel smacks at those crazy ass dating shows?”
“Yeah? OK, someone’s being strange. Seriously why the questions?”
“Look can you just forget it?”
I sighed. He sounded a little agitated. I wanted to get on his good side. “OK than. I was just asking…”
I felt him hug me. I jumped a little, “I’m sorry, I was curious is all. I’m just looking out for you.”
I playfully pushed him away, “Don’t worry about. I feel like the more I’m around you I’m less likely to try anything anymore.”
“Yeah, I’m beginning to feel that too.” He touches my hair.
I always hated when people do that. Maybe it’s a phobia or something. But it’s different with Josh. He woke me up that way. I was beginning to let it pass.
I loved how gentle he was with me. You may think all of this feeling and emotional ties are moving way too fast. I think so too but I’m not about to ignore it. This is what people dream of. For only 2 days, I got my second chance.
This is what people write about. I could write about it now and I’m not a writer. But I’ve only heard the stories. The little gestures thrown every which way. Sometimes I think it’s too good to be true. Finding someone who gets it. Someone who knows all the ins and outs.
I used to think that was impossible. Going through the gauntlet of life, its bittersweet to find it only this way. Through killing yourself.
Should I just shut out these thoughts and be grateful? I probably will for now since I don’t have a good enough excuse not to. Yeah, we’ll see. If I give things away, it wouldn’t be even a little interesting.
I suddenly wondered what the hell Jake was doing. He said it wouldn’t take longer than 30 minutes. I was too curious. I’ve always hated surprises. I got up and walked over to where he was with his back turned getting something out of the fridge.
I laughed and he turned giving a side smile going back to stirring something in a pan. I looked around me and rolled my eyes. This is only thing he knows how to “cook”.
“What are you doing? We could just go out or something Jake. Josh doesn’t mind.”
I glanced behind me and Josh nodded. He had that confused look again but it looked a lot different this time. Maybe I was reading too much into it. Could be because he doesn’t know Jake.
I looked back at Jake as he shrugged his shoulders. “Nah, its OK. Go sit down, its nearly done.”
Josh peaked into the conversation, “Are you sure you don’t wanna go out? I mean, you don’t have to do all this. Mariah said its fine.”
I narrowed my eyes pointedly at him. What was going on? This was beyond weird. “Josh, its OK. Let's just go sit down.”
He reluctantly took my hand as we sat next to each other at the head of the table. I had a couple of minutes; I had to know for myself what was wrong if anything was.
“Josh, what’s going on?”
He wouldn’t look at me now. It was a therapy session trying to get the kid with the ADD to listen. But something was off.
“Where was he last week?” His voice was stolid, unclenching.
I was scared to answer right away because I haven’t a clue myself. I really thought about this one. Maybe he was and I didn’t know because of the whole “coma” thing I had. But he’s right, all I saw were my parents, which was odd to me because Jake was the one who called the paramedics so I was told.
My fists tightened. I really wasn’t ready to deal with last week. Not with anyone. “Can you just leave it alone, please?”
I hoped if I say please that perhaps it would make things better. But he wanted to probe Jake out, why the fuck was he so paranoid?
He shook his head almost like he didn’t need to hear me, “I bet he wasn’t. Why wasn’t he there yesterday too? What’s his excuse?”
My eyes were as wide as I could make them, “Excuse me? Where do you get the idea that he doesn’t care? You just met him today.”
“Can we just get the hell out of here? Come on, you don’t need this now. We don’t have to talk about what happened, could we just get the fuck outta here?”
I could feel it in my soul; he’s making me die. I didn’t want to bare myself. Not like this. I couldn’t just escape hell on a whim. There’s a lot I don’t know about him. I was sick of him deciding so much for me.
“Let’s get one thing straight, OK? There is no you and me, Josh. I’m not sure if I can trust you. It just doesn’t work like that.”
He scoffed softly, “You know what, your probably right. I need to go back anyway. I’ve only known you for 2 days and there’s a lot that I don’t know. I guess I’ll see you later.”
My heart sped up. Leaving? He’s going?
I didn’t have time to react as he got up ahead of me and practically ran to the door, nearly slamming his rage out for me to clearly spot.
I was mad at him. I was mad at Jake. I was mad at myself trying to build some hope for my second chance. We need to not see each other now. I am truly the most closed off person and I know it.
I pushed myself out of the chair and ran up the stairs at warp speed. I really wanted to kill myself more. Everything around made me sick. I felt like I was going to hyperventilate and have another breakdown.
I know the reason for everything now. The reason why nothing seems to work the way it should.
I am a dunce. It was hopeless to think I could trust him like this. I still wonder if its all too soon to know. Was I overanalyzing everything to the hilt? I couldn’t be sure.
I felt cold now. I looked back at my hand, he just wouldn’t let go. I didn’t want him too. I wasn’t counting the hours, I was living in them. The tension ceased and a calming resolution surfaced. The uneasiness dissipated away and for the first time, my body felt safe, gradually of course. Perhaps I’m being a little melodramatic but hey, this is rare for me. I finally get what it is to know all this.
I can’t say why, I just know. It was in that same certainty when I gave him my ring. It didn’t really have to do with closure. The pain would melt from me and that was left was a new beginning.
Now I was stuck. Trying to burrow myself from his world. It wasn’t right. I felt out of place. This wasn’t what I imagined would happen. Feeling torn. I wanted to suffocate myself for being such a loner.
I grabbed a pen and my notebook diary and began scribbling something on the plain sheets. As I write, my eyes start stinging. I looked at the words as I wrote them. I didn’t know where all this came from, it was just there. I kept on writing.
I stopped, looking it over, soaking in the words. I closed my eyes, throwing the what was in my hands forgotten on the floor, and fell back on the bed.
I didn’t want this.
I was tired but it was still daylight. He left me alone. The shock still burning me. I suppose for now, its something that needs to happen. It was probably best he did leave, I was beginning to think it was too good to be true.
I guess I deserve it for hoping so much. But fuck it, I wanted him and I didn’t care anymore.
Josh’s POV
On the way back I periodically banged the wheel. Was this a good thing? Two fragile people being alone like this. Leaving it on bad terms.
I didn’t want to leave like that. But if I didn’t, I knew all too well, things were going to explode in a fight.
Inside my skin
There is this space...
It twists and turns
It bleeds and aches
I had no intention of bringing that on both our lives. There’s only so much one can hold on to. Was this the right thing though? Five minutes away, that’s all I had left. I squeezed the wheel, gripping onto my sanity. What was left anyway? I wanted to stay, I did, but it wasn’t right. Life sometimes doesn’t work out the way I would like it to.
Inside my heart
There's an empty room.
It's waiting for lightning;
It's waiting for you
I jumped erratically when I heard the car behind me honk the horn. Speeding up, I tried to pay more attention to the street. I needed to just lie down or something. Clear the all the mess. The endless cobwebs that formed when I first started cutting myself. I built myself a whole, and no one was invited.
I am wanting, and...
I am needing you here
Inside the absence of fear
I can’t stop myself from this. I wanted to help her. Maybe I shouldn’t get so invested in something so complicated as is. After I parked, I took my time getting out. I figure I’m going to be bombarded with inane messages so I was in no hurry.
I walked inside and shut the door. The place feels like a Kenny Chesney song. Yep, I was alone again.
I had this strong, overpowering urge inside me to throw caution to the wind and be with her. I should apologize. But this is what we both need. Some space. I just have to let go of it. Let go of her.
My bones call to you
In their separate skin.
I make myself translucent
To let you in
I was brought back when I heard the machine alert me. I went over and pushed the red button.
“Hey Jace, its me. Let me know what’s going on? I was worried man. Call me on the cell when you get this. You know me, I hate making messages.”
…BEEP…
Right now, Jeff was the last person I wanted to talk to.
“Hey Josh, its Bobbie. I’ll be in town for this week. Let me know what you wanna do, OK? Sorry I couldn’t see you at the hospital. I feel really bad that I couldn’t get a flight out of here sooner. Call me back OK, Jace?”
I bet Bobbie knew nothing until my mother told her every single detail. Sometimes I wonder why she still bothers. Its been 2 years. Nothing’s changed. Things are never going to go back.
…BEEP…
“Honey, its us. We were trying to reach you all night but Darla and Peter were nice enough to take us to breakfast. If you see Mariah, could you tell her that please? I don’t want you guys to worry. Anyway, we’re coming back soon later on to see how you are. I hope everything is OK. Call me if you need anything, alright? Bye-bye sweetie. I love you.”
…BEEP…
If you haven’t noticed already, my step-mom is one of those that talks forever on a machine. Which is weird because on the phone, she usually tells me that I should already know why she’s calling because she explains everything in the message. I get used to it. I’m happy she’s taking some interest at least.
About 4 messages in I was about to resume the stages of last week all over again. I reached over to turn off the machine…
There is this hunger
This restlessness inside of me
And it knows that you're no stranger,
You're my gravity
“Hi, Josh? I-I know you probably think I’m super crazy for calling you. I just don’t know what’s going on… I’m really sorry, I’m not sure why I called you… um, I have to stop doing this. I don’t know what to say and I know I don’t want to say this over a machine. I can‘t say this over a machine. I wish you were here. Please come over.”
This was getting much harder. I needed her. I want to stay. It was a difficult thing to admit. Mainly because I was so scared of what could happen.
I am wanting, and...
I am needing you
To be here...
I need you near...
Inside the absence of fear.
I can’t do this to myself. She’s just some girl.
“That’s it,” I affirmed.
Now, only if I can believe that.
My body was still weak as I sat on the couch, wincing as I did so. More like fell. I was wiped out. I couldn’t close my eyes without her face revealing to me. I didn’t want to dream of her. I didn’t want to feel any of this.
It was all too surreal.
My hands will adore you
Through all darkness, and aim
Lay you out in moonlight
And reinvent your name
I didn’t know what to do. I was torn between the id and the ego. I tried to breathe normally but nothing suppressed the stress. I thought about everything that’s happened.
Based on the moments that played, my heart reached out. I had to. It bothered me to leave it like this.
I felt a lot better when I looked at the caller ID. A lot of things were at stake. Millions of scenarios took place. It was too risky. But I didn’t want to jeopardize not knowing.
We’re both fragile souls. Jealous at the living who play out themselves with ease and strangled truths. It makes me upset that the roles can’t be switched. A lot of bad things tend to happen to people who don’t deserve that life.
What is life? Everything I knew, everything I believed was a fallacy. I just wish I could take a big eraser and wipe out everything in sight, starting with myself. If I could start all over, would I still have met her?
It took a lot for me to leave. Took everything I had to make myself alone once again. This wasn’t what I wanted.
This long-running identity crisis just ballooned from when I was a kid. My life then read like one long boring ass text book. My parents had taught me to be whoever I wanted to be. But what happens when you had no idea what that is? Where are you than?
I was adopted when I was very young. So young I couldn’t remember the exact day. I think about how my life was before. I imagine why my real mother gave me up and decided I was not needed.
That was it. I wasn’t needed. That thought stayed with me. It’s those kind of crazy thoughts that take down your will to make anything happen.
That was my downfall. The thought of not being wanted or needed. If blood didn’t want me, than who else can give me a second chance?
The soft knock on the door shook me from the self-funk. My eyes glided across the room. The only thing I could really move. The rest of me was semi frozen.
I forced my body up, straightening myself as I walked to the front door.
I looked through the eyehole just to make sure. What I saw, I was not ready for. Despite the misgivings I still opened the door, my hand visibly shaking like it hand its on entity.
“Hey.” What do you say to that?
Mariah’s POV
I was taking the plunge as I stood there, naked, raw and too real to take in. For the first time I was being the person I wanted to be.
“Why are you here?”
I wiped at my eyes quickly as my cousin’s best friend barged unannounced in front of me. I really didn’t want to deal with this, I just wanted to be by myself. I didn’t need to explain every detail to everyone.
“Jake, I just want to be alone now. I don’t think this is the best time for anything. I’ve had a rough week.”
My voice was small and not mine. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs for everyone to fuck off but society stops me as it has before.
“Is this about that guy who was he here? You guys together?”
Now that shit woke me up, “Absolutely not. I told you already. I just met him last week. That will never happen anyway.”
He scratched the back of his head, leaning his body against the door, “Really? Could’ve fooled me. He had the eagle eye on me since I came here. Anyway, what happened before? Why did he just leave now?”
“Its no big deal. He had to go anyway. His family was worried.”
“He slammed the door, Mimi. Are you sure that was it? I’m not trying to pry but did he make you mad? I figure if I get permission first, you won’t get mad me if I beat his ass later.”
I sat straighter with a smirk on my face. Leave it Jake to take a petty little argument and turn it into a comedy act. I was lucky to have him when I did. I leaned my back up against the wall, still sitting on my bed, crossing my legs sloppily.
“We all know I can handle defending myself, Jake. But thanks for the offer. Josh is not your problem.”
He sat on the edge on the bed, “But he is yours? How long have you known him?”
I felt my entire face go beet red as I felt that shivering feeling every time I got nervous. It was embarrassing to admit the truth, especially what its reality hits you absentmindedly out of the blue.
“2 days ago. But it doesn’t feel that way.”
“Do you like him?”
I scoffed, tossing the question as if it was used napkin, “We’re not teenagers Jake.”
“Well you don’t have to say yes or no for me to get it…”
Not according to Josh. That’s one of the main things that annoyed me about him. In fact, there’s a list of things that bother me.
“I don’t care. It doesn’t matter. For now, I don’t wanna see anyone.”
“Even me? That hurts Mimi.” He came closer to me, crawling up on his elbows.
“I don’t wanna talk about this. Please drop it.”
I had this pounding headache and all I wanted to do was lie down and not feel bad that I’m breathing.
“Alright, do you want any food? I made a lot downstairs.”
“No,” I didn’t have much energy to give a full answer.
The weight on the bed shifted as I heard a muffled “see you later.” That was enough for me to close my eyes and catch up on some much needed rest.
I opened my eyes, looking at the clock. 10:46am. Can’t believe it was still morning. I don’t want to play these moments over while I’m trying to clear my head.
I switched onto my side, staring at the wall. It’s a lot more difficult when you try to clear your mind. More thoughts pile up and you feel like you’re about implode.
I had the strangest feeling, the same one I had when I was younger. I wanted to have powers. Maybe I was just a kid but I still wish for the same things. I want the same things. I think I want what everyone wants but they either pretend to have or is the real deal. Its rare to find but I’ve seen it.
I can’t believe I actually called him. He was the one that was mad. The worst part was the message. I cringed because it was all stifled up and I didn’t say it right. I don’t know what I asked him to come over. He’s gonna think I’m desperate or something fucked up.
I was forced to play it over and over. Did I need him? Was I that self-destructive? My life was like one days of our lives episodes after the other. Except all the fucking. In fact I can’t remember the last time I knew what that felt like. The moves and the sounds of those times are a blur. I didn’t want to remember them.
My first experience wasn’t all it turned out to be. Guys are guys, long story short. I lost it, whoop-ti-do. My innocence was gone and for nothing. I think I speak for every girl when I say we all want our first time to something unreal. Something to write down and dream about every night after. We dream its with someone we harbor deep feelings for. We want that life because that feeling is worth living for.
That was my other problem. I was dying of a broken heart. But none of this makes sense because I never trusted anyone with my heart. Morality is the real killer when it comes down to it. Least for me.
Do you ever question every little thing you do and repeat that phrase over and over in your mind after? Your mind gets sore because you’ve strained the words to put where you start hating yourself more for being so out of control.
But I’m going crazy all over again. Not for the same reasons. I’m a self-absorbed little girl who is driving herself crazy. Sounds like I could be studied. But I know there isn’t some cure out there.
Depression is a permanent disease, and apathetic to its core. How long have I known this, probably since the abuse. I can remember things when I was just 2-years-old that would still spook me to this day. I remember my heart speeding up whenever I spoke. Every time I tried to help or anything it was like an insult.
You would think that an only child would get Paris Hilton treatment, I vouch that it wasn’t even minimally tolerable. Well, you can’t tell because I sounded like I was being sarcastic just there; it was a horror.
I was lucky to have survived my teen years. As I dig up all these moments, I can’t help but turn into the wild child I was.
I couldn’t help it anymore, I had to do something. I needed this to happen.
I stood up in a quick manner and grabbed some money from my dresser, making sure to get enough.
I had to do this. I have to know what it feels like again.
Josh’s POV
Talking with her never made any kind of real sense. But this time it was different. I felt like she was actually listening and not talking over me like she always.
Bobbie Thomas was someone I was always attracted to. But she was the typical cliché of all things relationships. She was a good actress in the beginning. I believed it as if I were watching Citizen Kane for the first time. Being sucked into the story and all its little qualities that made me enjoy every minute.
Her beauty was overpowering most things and that was how it came to end. That was all she had to offer me. Good sex. Well, decent sex. A good time. To me, its was bleak. There was no adventure. Plus, she was treating me like a fucking lap dog. We were younger than so the clubs and raves were all the early buzz craze. I never picked up on it and I felt like from the beginning it wasn’t my scene. There was a reason why they called it the LA scene. A lot of good/bad actresses. All the whore’s money can buy. And they all looked the same. You can fix your body but you’ll always have that rat face.
Numerous mutual friends have told me she went down on some guys, some were friends. I wasn’t pissed until I heard the real truth from Laura, Bobbie’s closet girlfriend. She told me she had witnessed her fucking this guy the same day she told me she was going to Laura’s. Well, not entirely false, she was at Laura’s mother’s house, not her dad’s place.
Point is, she was over as soon as I got a good source and through some more research and an actually confession from the cheater herself, you better fucking believe it was over.
I’m not an old fashioned guy when I date someone, but it feels like everything I’ve admitted to this one person had been shattered by her sophomoric carelessness.
So, why the fuck am I sitting with my ex do you wonder? A little bit of closure, catching up, and a place for venting. I didn’t know but so far, I didn’t ask her to leave yet. Give me time.
I watch as her hands fidget about as she gets more comfortable. It was sort of funny. I never expected to see her so soon. She wasn’t known for keeping her word, so this was brand new to my eyes.
We were in the middle of talking about what she was doing. I refuted to bring up anything about last week. I keep saying a lot but it went by so fast for me. But I was close when she asked me 2 times if I was doing OK.
I responded with, “I’m not dead if that’s what your asking.”
I know, OK, it wasn’t funny. But she just gave me a flat smile and changed the subject in the blink of an eye. I smiled inside.
I checked my watch, now I was counting the minutes. We ran out of things to talk about it seems. I was kind of glad too. I was beginning to get bored with talking to someone who hurt me so bad.
It was hard for me to let go of something like that. I think I was always going to hold that against her. No matter how much she’s “changed.”
I rubbed at my eyes and cracked my knuckles. “So what else are you doing today?”
She scrunched up her eyes like she was thinking, “Oh, actually, I was going to Laura’s wedding rehearsal. I’m her maid of honor.”
I always hated when she boasted about the dumbest things, “Cool, what time is that?”
See how I was smartly pushing the subject out there? Well, in my subtle way.
She glanced at her watch, “Actually I have to leave now. I promised I’d help her set up and stuff. We’re going out to Le Paz afterwards. Do you have any plans for tonight? Maybe you could come?”
Can I sulk if I come? “Maybe another night. I got some things I need to do here first.”
She nodded and stood up straightening her dress suit. “OK, it was good to see you Joshua. Give me a call sometime, we could go out somewhere.”
I got up ahead of her, heading toward the door. “Maybe, say hi to Laura for me. Tell her congrats too.”
I meant that. Laura was one of the nicer girls I’ve come across. She deserves to be happy.
She steps outside but turns around, “Bye JC.”
I didn’t want to hug her so I alluded to that when I stepped back to act like I was more interested in closing the door. I shut the door and leaned myself against it.
Seeing someone like her again, makes my blood boil. I clenched my fists in a ball and pounded them slightly on the door behind.
I peeled myself off the door and went to the kitchen.
I grabbed the carton of rocky road and dove into the bucket ravenously. I went over to the couch and started to veg out.
I was surfing the channels as the while, Mariah's face popped up in my mind. I was scared. Not again! Fuck. Shit. Why now? I went 5 hours without these thoughts. I can’t last. I can’t stop think about her.
Why was this happening to me? Why now?
I was interrupted by a sharp knock on the door. I figure its probably Bobbie wasting my time with aimless questions. But, sadly, it was entertaining. Plus it would change the current thoughts I didn’t want out.
I got up, cursing myself for what I was about to endure. All I kept whispering was “please help me forget”. That’s all I wanted.
When I opened the door, I felt was soft lips crushed against mine. They tasted of want and urge.
But who did they belong to?
Let That Be Enough by Mariah
Mariah’s POV
I didn’t think of anything else. All I wanted was to soak in this moment and savor the feeling that he gave to me. I couldn’t tell if he knew if it was me but it was like it didn’t matter. He was mine now.
Nothing around me mattered. I channeled that girl who I held tightly inside of me and was finally doing what I was dying to do. It took me this long to figure it out, but it was better than never finding out.
His lips were softer than I imagined. I enjoyed the cloudy solitude that passed through them. I wanted to deepen the kiss, so I did, in the most gracious way I could manage.
My mind was on a one track race and my heart was trying to catch up. Smells of vanilla and old spice filled my senses as things started to unfold in rapid motions. I tasted ice cream and chocolate in his mouth. It was savory and made the feeling all the more sweeter.
Before I knew it, we were in the bedroom, clothes falling everywhere around us. Our lips haven’t left contact since I came inside. But I mentally kicked myself for crashing into so many things but it didn’t really matter to me. I knew what I wanted. I knew what was right in front of me and I didn’t want to share it with anyone else.
I lingered on until we both shed all our clothing. It was imminent. I knew my world will change and I welcomed it. Finally I was living by my means and not clouding my judgments with outlandish reasons. It felt refreshing. Knowing I had complete control of what I was doing. I didn’t care about anything else. The ramifications didn’t phase me. I had my head on straight. Enjoying how he felt pressed against me.
I could feel everything. I mean everything. I had this shiver running down my spine again. But it wasn’t from being nervous. I was so relaxed I didn’t know if I was in a fantasy land or this was it. It had to be a bit of both. Who cares?
I didn’t want to be alone tonight. I had all this planned out way before but I didn’t have enough strength to stand up for what I wanted. Now, things were different. Well, for this moment they were.
It’s been a while since I’ve done this, but I remember how it goes. It seems as if he was stumbling himself. It was quite funny. Seeing him a little confused but he pulled it together. I knew he would.
Damn, I felt this rush when he touched my clit. All of my energy transferred there. He started plunging his fingers in and out of me rhythmically. I bucked against his motion. My eyes rolling into the back of my head as the intense power took over my senses. I was reeling from the excitement and omnipotent atmosphere that surrounded us.
He wasn’t saying anything. He didn’t have to. For once, it was all do not talk. Advice that most of the world fail to comply. I felt his fingers go deeper this time. He added three forcing my head to arch back as I clung to the rest of his body.
What I was feeling was magic. Something out of a show. When I came, the finale was here. I shivered uncontrollably and he barely touched me.
But I knew it was far from over. Things just started and I felt like things were only going to get better. But I was still getting over my high. He changed positions, like someone in a porno, only minus the bad acting and the elevator music.
I can’t describe what was happening. It had been so long since I felt this taken care of. And I wasn’t admitting that to sound corny or too sentimental.
For the first time, I felt as if I might cry. For other reasons. The was truth here. And this truth was the best thing that happened to me. Cry because no one has ever treated me like this. Acknowledged and now. Conjuring up an unknown presence that you never thought you could allow yourself to know.
I was crying now. For me, it was soothing because I knew I wasn’t hurt. He was moving very slow. Gently and careful, I wanted to urge him to go deeper. I wanted to really remember this night. All that comes with it. Knowing I wasn’t going to huddle in a corner, weeping til I bled my eyes out.
He wiped my tear away and kissed the corner of my eye. It was like out of a beach reading novel. Only this wasn’t contrived. It was as real as real can be.
I hugged him tight, begging him with my body to go deeper. Slowly, eventually, he obliged. I moaned so loud I thought the walls would crumble around me. My mouth was covered quickly with his.
I was nearly out of breath. I was nearly close. He didn’t ask me, he could just sense I was there. My walls flinched as I released. My entire body shook and I was on fire. It was too much. I was hot and cold at the same time.
At that moment I was tired. Drained. Needed. Dazed but not confused. I was on a high. I was sore but I wasn’t worried. I was so still, lay there numb. Stiffening to the point where my eyes where the only thing I could willingly move. Everything had happened so fast. Like the feeling you get when you drink an ice cold shake super fast.
His breath was ragged as well. The sweat and perspiration dripped onto the comforter. He was still inside me and it would be extremely painful to pull fast.
“Josh?” I caught my breath.
Why the fuck did I speak?
He kissed me in middle of my forehead. His lips staying there a couple seconds longer. They were dipping down, kissing his way to my lips. He captured them in one swift action. Sucking, nibbling, we were panting. It was amazing. My senses were on overdrive. I regained my consciousness despite my sedated pose.
He kisses trail down my neck, covering every spot in sight. He pulled out of my slowly. It still hurt but not as bad as I thought. I could barely think though. The feeling was incredible.
What did I do? I wasn’t tied down anymore. I wasn’t a prisoner to anyone’s mercy. The shackles were off and I was free. I looked at him as he lay close to me. I sat up in bed, the sheets pulled over my bare breasts as I leaned my back against the head of the bed.
I was spacing out. I knew I wasn’t confused. No more would I feel so lost my life would be a waste. My world changed. I was helpless. Being around him made me vulnerable. I needed this feeling to last and last. I licked my lips, closing my eyes in the moment. Our breathing was the only thing that was taking place. It was melodic. I was falling for the sounds of his breathing. I knew I was the cause of it and I was happy.
I smiled and hung my head down. I shook my head, still couldn’t believe I was following my heart. Nothing about this indicated a mistake.
2 days. Just 2 days ago he was a faceless name. It was hard for me to ignore this. Lord knows it was my calling.
I smoothed my damp tendrils back, relishing in what happened just now. I felt grateful. I was tired, but it was a wild ride.
I tucked myself back inside the bed. I turned to my side, gazing upon his features. My stare traces the contours and every cut and corner of his face. I pulled myself closer to him. He wasn’t looking at me just yet but I didn’t care. I knew he knew I was there. I was his just like he was mine.
The back of my hand caressed his cheek, wiping at access sweat on the side. He took my hand to my surprise, kissing my knuckles individually. His lips were like a magnet on my hand.
I took back my hand, replacing it with a kiss. This one was different though. I laced my fingers with his as I deepened the kiss so slightly. I wasn’t acting like a wild child, my movements were innocent and much more pure. I kissed him with a passion and pulled back, staring into his eyes. It was me, I wasn’t afraid anymore.
“I love you.”
Josh’s POV
I sat up a little, laying in those words. The words just now uttered that changed everything for me. They were my words. But she said them first. But it didn’t matter, she only beat me to it.
“You stole my line.” I smiled inside and out.
She hung her head on my chest. She didn’t need to say anymore. People over complicate things with too many words. I felt her smile under me. I hugged her so tight against me. I never wanted to let her out of my site now.
“I love you, Mariah.” If she didn’t get it by now.
That had to be the first time I said that to anyone.
“I know. Imagine if we didn’t get to this place? I would probably be dead already and god knows what would happen to you. Thinking about it is bad enough.”
She looked up at me. I wish I had the power to take away her frown. I pulled her sweaty hair behind her ears. “There’s no reason to worry. Things aren’t going to be perfect but I can promise you, nothing bad will happen to me.”
She nodded, “I hope so.”
Mariah had this habit worrying to the point that would border on paranoia. I would hate to admit that to her directly because I didn’t want to get that deeply into it. Plus, we both have suffered through a lot this past week.
I cradle her in my arms. She cradles back a little more edgier than before. I couldn’t blame her. Being alone is what got us to our breaking point. Especially when no one gives you a chance.
You never know what the world is looking for. You know how they say never say never? I’m saying never. The world being as fickle crowd as is, its hard to believe you know what’s going to happen the next day and or the one that follows.
All I can do for now is just be with her. Follow her every move. I won’t say its going to be easy. Sometimes, I’m not going to know what she’s thinking.
I wish, if anything else, I could know.
But now, all I could do was lie here, while slowly regaining back my senses. I knew the whole time it was her. I opened the door and all I could see were lips over mine and my eyes were closed. Lips of this angel I could erase from my thoughts even for a whole 5 hours.
I had this overwhelming feeling that everything was evolving so fast. That’s what you’re thinking too. It was all just one big dream. Is this what it is? Is she a ghost? Arriving like something out of a Passions episode; minus the terrible storylines.
But was I hallucinating? I wish I can be sure. I want this to be real. Its so easy that all of this could have happened in another world. But whatever the reason, I surely hope its not short.
I can only take enough hurt for so long.
I have to clear these ideas. Contaminating my brain while I bask in this golden warmth before me. Maybe if I get up and take a shower or something, I could lesson these thoughts. I don’t know, I’ll find what she wants to do first.
I kissed the top of her head, letting out a rugged sigh, “How are you feeling?”
I heard her grumbling, like a baby. I pressed her against my chest a little harder. She silently breathed out and responded with, “Happy, a little tired. But I guess its really been a while since this happened, so its normal to feel a little sore.”
I immediately lifted the sheet and found tiny spots of blood near her vagina. She couldn't be a virgin. Was I her first? Shit. Fuck. I instantly got up and carried her to the bathroom, placing her fragile body in the bath. I filled it with hot bubbles. I plugged up the drain as I watched the water fill up.
I finally looked at her. She was looking around almost like a baby having her first bath. I had to smile at her mannerisms. She needed to get cleaned up. Had I known how long its been, I never would have moved as fast as I did while I was inside her. Her brown eyes were growing big and I was worried.
She winced at the hotness, my face creased up as I tried to mask the hot water and mixed it with some cold. Her face was neutral and I let out the breath I was holding.
“Are you OK?”
She was sitting in the same spot I placed her in. Neither leaning back, nor moving a muscle. She could have an infection so I was wondering since I couldn’t read her mind for the life of me.
She nodded quickly, “I am. It wasn’t that bad. I knew you wouldn’t hurt me. Its OK, Josh. I only wish you were my first.”
Not a virgin. Had I known, I wouldn't have allowed so much to happen. But I had a feeling it wasn’t that simple. I still took her word for it. I know I was too rough. Being sucked into that much passion, I barely had much control over my actions. I don’t wanna say it was her fault but she ignited the flame.
Just that one kiss. One kiss alone sealed all this.
“I don’t want to let you out of my sight. Things are a little different now. I just hope it only gets better.”
I concluded with joining her in the tub.
Mariah’s POV
I haven’t had a decent meal since forever. My family weren’t poor, they just weren’t really accessible. Of course I use the term “family” loosely. It’s going to OK though.
As long as I’m here that is. But how long could I stay? Josh has been so willing already to do this much. I knew it was risky and I haven’t asked him. I really can’t stand the thought of going back there. I was in such a peaceful state I didn’t want to think of anything else. Nothing but this, a nice placid memory.
I relaxed on the patio as Josh brought out something from the kitchen. I was wearing his boxers because my panties were kind of mangled and I was wearing one of his T-shirts. I felt at home being like this. It was a rush and thrill to be here now.
After I finished my cheeseburger and fries, I was digging like a heifer into the ice cream he brought out. I blushed and slowed down a little. I knew he probably thought I was acting like a vagabond but in actuality, I haven’t eaten anything in a couple weeks.
Everything looked good to me, I could literally eat anything he would give me. I closed my eyes as I took another spoon full of ice cream. I licked the spoon and rested for a moment.
The night skies were calm and sweet. Its been a long time since I glanced at the bright lights that beamed millions of miles away. Stars are a fascinating wonder. When I was little, I used to try and count up as many as I could see. Of course I would never get to an official number. There were too many.
I used to do this alone, it would smooth out the problems for only a little while. A great way to clear your mind. I let out a monstrous sigh and played with the melted ice cream.
“I used to do this all the time as a child. When you go outside and look at the rest of the world. Your problems don’t seem as big as you thought. Have you tried it?”
I looked over at him, placing my ice cream down, “No. I used to just count how many stars out there. It wasn’t easy but at least I wasn’t worrying anymore.”
“Whatever works, doesn’t really matter. Are you fine? Do you want more ice cream?”
I shook my head, looking at the half-eaten ice cream in the bowl, “No, its OK. I feel like a eat for the whole week. Thank you, though.”
“There’s still a lot left if you want more later. Did you want to stay the night?”
I was glad he brought it up first.
I played with the soupy ice cream, “I want to, if its OK.”
He laughed, I feel him skooch his chair closer to hug me, “Of course. First, I want to call your parents. I don’t want to sound like I’m kidnapping you.”
Oh, of all things I wish was legal.
“I guess if you have to. But I really don’t want to involve them. I’m over 18, I’m an adult.”
He kissed the back of my neck, “I don’t want them calling the police looking for you.”
I pulled away a little, “I wish there was a way they weren’t in my life. But I guess life isn’t that simple.”
“I have to tell them. Just so they don’t worry.”
I looked behind me, straight into his emerald gaze. “Alright, I just not coming back right away. I just don’t want to face them.”
He scratched the back of his head and placed his arms tighter around me. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll just tell them you’re safe.”
“OK, just, could we just keep this a secret for now?”
I meant that. I didn’t want anyone to know about what happened. Besides, it was no one’s business. Still, just in case.
He pulled his arms away, kissed the tip of my head, and walked over to the phone. I watched as he moved, feeling at a slow ease. His hands, just 3 hours ago I knew their power. I shivered, thinking about what they did to me.
I pulled my knees to my chest, resting my chin on the top. I wasn’t sure what time it was but judging from the night, probably around 10pm. 3 days of wow. So many things to digest, so much has happened for the both of us. I may sound like a broken record but the last 10 days were a lot to process. The things I said, the things I did, I felt.
New things I couldn’t imagine my heart feeling ever since I was pulled back from my coma. From something, I still don’t know what it was. Like something supernatural maybe? Perhaps I won’t find out for a while.
He came back out to the balcony, leaning over my head, “Hey, they weren’t there but I left a message with Jake.”
The way he said his name made me wanna laugh out loud. “Why did you say it like that?”
“Say what?”
“Say Jake’s name that way. That was a little fruity.”
He took a seat on the other side of my with that confused little kid’s look. “I don’t know what that means. Fruity?”
“Jake is gay, do you know that?”
“No, he’s not…”
I rolled my eyes, he got me there, “OK, he’s not really, but we didn’t go together, if that’s what you’re wondering.”
“Doesn’t matter. But where do you think your parents are?”
I yawned, squeaking as I normally do, “Don’t know… that’s a little weird.”
“Weird? Are they always there usually?”
I took a long sip of my drink, “It depends. My dad is the one that works. I don’t even know what goes on with my mom. Probably screwing someone else to pass the time.”
He held up his hands, “Whoa, whole other issue there. Why do you say that, if you don’t mind my asking?”
I pushed the bowl away from me, clenching my teeth, “She’s just like that. She miserable when my dad works so she goes out a lot thinking I don't know anything about it. But I don't care what she does. I don't want to talk about her."
"OK, well, I left a message at least. Hopefully someone will get it."
I nodded, and stood up with my bowl in hand--
"Its OK, I got that."
I shook my head, insisting, "I don't mind Josh. I'm already up."
"OK, you don't have to load it in, just place it on the side."
I rolled my eyes playfully and turned to the kitchen.
I rinsed the bowl out and left it in the sink. I knocked over the towel rag accidentally and bent down to put it up. When I came back up I hit my head on the open draw I wasn't aware of. Was this open before I was here? Maybe the rags go in there. I shrugged and pulled the draw open a little more to fit the towel into the back.
What I saw, I wasn't quite sure what to say.
It was a tiny picture of Josh embracing and hold hands with someone else. A sister? Maybe. Their eyes looked identical and hair too. But something bothered me about the picture. Was I being crazy again?
I flipped it over, and it read in plain capital letters: BOBBIE '99. Who's Bobbie? Cousin? I went through sister, but they could just look a like a little bit.
Than it dawned upon me. No, she can't be? Could she?
But I wasn't going to ask Josh, Lord knows he thinks I'm crazy enough for someone to take. I put the picture back in its place and stuffed the towel back where I found it.
What was I going to do now? My heart started to pump like crazy. I knew something was wrong but I wasn’t sure if it was what I thought.
Bobbie? Its his sister, I’m reading too far into it. But the embrace, they weren’t touching like family do. Or at least from what I’ve seen of other families. Another weird thing. The way he was touching her, made me gulp with a lump in my throat. It was bitter to swallow.
What does he have a picture, why that picture? I concluded it was maybe his family but why did it irk me?
“Hey, what are you doing?”
I stuttered in my place. Between not knowing the words and wanting the ask the one question that chaffed me. I suddenly felt weak, like I might get a headache.
I rubbed my eyes, “Nothing. Just drying my hands.”
I dare not look back at the draw. I moved out of the kitchen, stepping closer to him. I tried to put on a neutral expression as best I can.
He cradled my face, pulling me closer to his lips, “What do you want to do for the rest of the day?”
I covered his hands. I didn’t want to seem rude but I wasn’t comfortable around him now. “Maybe I should go back now.”
I needed some space. If my parents weren’t there I could just be by myself for a while. Think some things through.
He seemed a little surprised, “You sure? Is something wrong?”
I took his hands off my face, holding them in my grip, “No, but I just want to be there in case they come back.”
I had to lie to get away from him. I didn’t know how to put it but at least, it looks like he’s buying it.
I just wish he would stop touching me so much. He nodded, kissing my forehead, “Alright, well, are you sure there’s nothing going on? I know you don’t have to tell me everything but I get this feeling something happened.”
Yeah, something happened.
“I told you, there’s nothing wrong. I just don’t want my parents freaking out when they come back, you know?”
“OK, I’ll give me a second and we’ll get going.”
I only wish I could just fly away from here as fast as I can. Flying? I mentally added that one onto my “if I could have powers” list. Silly, I know, but its my life so fuck off.
I ran my hands through my hair and put on my socks and shoes. I shook my head. Not believing yet piecing it together as if it all fit, “I should have known. Too perfect. Everything was too perfect to be real. I have to stop living in a fantasy world. I have to do this. I have to leave somehow.”
I couldn’t wait. I knew if I didn’t leave now I would have another breakdown. This one would not be tamed, I couldn’t breath. I wasn’t going to wait.
I can’t see him, I made that certain when I ran out of the apartment just in time to see my salvation. I had to.
Josh’s POV
I heard the door slam but I was too late. I didn’t see which way, it all happened in the blink of an eye.
I didn’t want this. I knew I shouldn’t have left her when I did. I had this feeling she was up to no good. Her skittish movements, her willingness to go home right away. But why?
She didn’t even wait until I could drive her, she just left. I loved her and she left. What could change her mind so quickly? What could drive a person to go mad with the snap of a finger? Maybe I’m asking the wrong questions.
I thought… I believed everything was fine. I would protect her like I said I would. I was so happy when she wanted to stay over.
I’m acting like I’m obsessed with her. I should go after her, I want to, but I think its not my place. But how can I stay away from her just like that?
I needed Jack. Something hard and fuzzy to fuck up my head. Not the best choice but I knew it was the only thing I could think of. Now, I thinking she’s going back there to see that guy, Jake. My hands clenched around the ice cold bottle.
How could she play me? Maybe it wasn’t her fault but still, the way she talks about him. The alcohol was buzzing in head and I felt light headed.
I sat in my recliner chair with Jack in my right hand. Jack was my only savior. He makes the time pass. Listen to me, I’m talking like he’s real. Probably because everything else has been a nightmare.
Meeting death. Escaping it. Scaring myself for life. My fingers brush on the sharp lines. I shiver at those moments. The darkness I was going through enlightened everything in me. Fluidly, seeping its claws into my system as if my body was following a ghost inside me.
Mariah, “God Damn it!”
I gave and smashed the Jack in the wall. Pieces were splattered in the corner. What could make her leave?
“Why is talking so much in my head? This is fucked up. I should just forget about it. Why am I so hung on this? I shouldn‘t be so... 2 days, just 2 days and that was it. Why do I want her so badly?”
The phone rang and made me even more enraged.
I picked it up despite myself, “Yeah, hello?”
“Honey, hi.” I softened a little, or tried my best to hide the shit in my mind.
“Hey, how’s dad doing?”
“Oh, he’s fine. We wanted to come by later to check on you. Especially since we know Mariah was with you. We got Jake’s message when we called her parents house.”
“Oh, alright. Well, she’s not here anymore.”
There was a pause, “Why, where is she?”
I scrunched my eyes together, a habit I picked up whenever I would lie, “I took her back. She, I don’t know. She wanted to be there when her parents would come.”
Hell if I know what’s happening to her now. My blood boiled high at the thought of someone hurting her. I love her and I can’t do anything about it.
“Oh, I see. Well, its probably best to let her be with her family. Her mother was telling me things that made my heart ache for her. Her father also tells me about the problems they’re going through. I just hope she’s taken care of now. Poor girl.”
I’ve done all I can do. But I know there was something missing. I had to know, the question was itching at me.
I massaged my neck and sat on the edge of the bed. “She’s fine. Weren’t you guys coming over now?”
“Oh, we’re pretty tired now. We both had a long day at the Peer. We were there with the Andersons. I don’t think I ever talked so much in my life but I was feeling better to let some things out. We can come over tomorrow morning maybe. I’ll give you a ring when we’re coming.”
She always says this but never actually calls and just comes over. On-going cycle, I’ve gotten used to it.
“OK mom, have a good night. Tell dad I said hi, sorry I missed him.”
“I will, I’m praying for you honey. Everyone is. We love you so much. Remember, if you ever need anything, call us and we’ll be over there. Maybe it gets lonely there.”
I sighed. And the cycle continues. “I’ll be OK mom. Have a good night. I love you.”
“I love you, Joshua. Goodnight baby.”
I clicked the phone and placed it down.
I needed to get out of here. I remembered what Bobbie said, was it too late? I took out my cell and dialed her digits.
Please Forgive Me by Mariah
Mariah’s POV
2 weeks later.
I drummed my fingers on the counter, trying hard not to count the minutes until my shift is over. I tucked my lip in and tried to busy myself with wiping the top shelves clean, even though they were seemingly spotless.
I was passing the time and it was sort of working. As long as I was focused. I stacked more cups on top of one another, making sure they don’t tumble and just in case we needed more. Things were almost too set, too neat. I was running out of jobs, this was usually the deal with these kinds of jobs.
Leaving a lot of room to think about things. But I didn’t want to think about anything. My life, for once, wasn’t well, it wasn’t great, but I accepted it. I tried to weed out everything that’s happened and start over. I promised myself I wasn’t going to get involved. I wanted to wipe my slate clean. Make a new name, maybe it was my way of ignoring what matters most.
So what happened to us you’re wondering? I was stuck but this time I wasn’t going to get distracted. I wasn’t going to be used anymore. I felt a little better that way. I didn’t have to question anything.
I bent over wiping at the tables for a second time. Just because I avoided certain people, doesn’t mean it was easy for me.
I did think about him. Too much. He drives me insane now. The perfect combination of crazy and desire. But it was challenging for me to balance what I wanted with what I needed. And I couldn’t decide if he was either. I made my mind up.
It was over, but how could it be when it didn’t even start? I lay awake at late at night, dreaming of what could be. If something had happened. I did want that. But it was work. I couldn’t fight for anyone.
I must have spaced out because I was wiping at the same spot. I blushed even if nobody was here. I went back behind the register and counted up the last of the money for the night.
I could close up early, but I had a lot more laborious duties left. I licked my finger, flipping at the notes I copied down for the final numbers of tonight. We were doing OK as far as business goes. I was happy even though it was just me. Most shifts are me but it was fine. I manage night shifts better than morning ones. Keeps me more aware at night for some reason. I had an alert mind at night.
Rae’s Diner was a quiet, dour place. One of those late night spots between nowhere and tomorrow. They shot a movie here a while ago. It was plainly decorated with pale yellow walls and your typical 60s cracks in certain areas. It was snug, believe it or not, I felt like it could protect me from the outside world. I was glad no one could bother me here.
I started filling the sugar bottle and stocking up the packets in their places. After that, I took out my calculator and typed in the numbers. What was left of them, I almost forget to add the change. My slight ADD kicks in every now and again.
I chewed on my lip, thinking what else I needed to do before I shut off the lights. I grabbed my notepad and checked what was left on the to do list. Everything was pretty much crossed out. But there had to be something missing.
I heard a knock on the door and lifted my head. I ran over to the door, looking at him through the door. I wasn’t ready for this.
I debated whether to open the door. Maybe I’m just fooling myself. This is all too unreal for my own good. The only people who talked to me are my boss and co-workers. It worked out fine.
I sighed and walked over to the door. Baby steps. I opened it not once taking my eyes away from who it was.
“Hey, Eric. What are you doing here?”
I moved away so he could step inside and give me strange hug. His hugs were usually so tight so I should expect being out of breath but its been a while for me. He held me there for a little bit longer until he pulled back, placing his hands in his jean pockets.
“I’m just glad to see you. Little Mimi, back at Rae’s. Just like always. How are you doing?”
I exhaled out. I haven’t seen him since that day, I guess I should expect this too. “I’m doing fine. I was almost finished so I was about to head out soon.”
“Did you bus here?”
“Yeah, but its no problem, I was going to call mom for a ride back. I never take the bus after 10 at night anyways.”
He shrugged, “Its nothing, I’ll take you. I just got her message, she said to come here to tell you she’ll be back late.”
“Not really holding my breath. What’s her excuse?”
Eric started playing with the pull out straws. “She’s out with Karen I think. They’ve been talking a lot lately. Anyway, you ready to get going?”
“Give me a minute, I have to lock up.”
I turned around and began putting away all the notes I laid out. I did a final check in the backroom in case I forgot to clean anything else. Looked clean enough. I was tired, even if things weren’t completely spotless, it doesn’t matter.
I spotted Eric waiting by the door and joined him. I shut off the lights and closed the door behind us, locking it. I did a pull test to check if its locked. It was secure enough.
I hugged my shoulders as we walked toward his car. LA feels like New York sometimes. No one sleeps, business doesn’t really close, and life is dry and dirty around this time.
“Mimi?”
“Hmm?”
“Who’s Josh?”
I almost tripped over my feet, “Who? Uh… why?”
“Jake told me about this guy who was over the house when you got out of the hospital. I just know his name at the moment. Who is he?”
Truth was, I couldn’t figure it out. “Well, mom and dad know his parents. Why are you asking?”
“Your mom told me he and his parents are coming over. Actually, I they’re there now. I meant to say that first. I knew there was something I was supposed to tel--”
This stopped me at a powerful halt, “What?! They’re at the house now? Oh shit!”
Josh’s POV
I knew I was going into the lion’s den and I had to face it. It was like a republican going on a Bill Maher show. I debated staying home but my mother insisted we go over to make over for 2 weeks ago when we planned this.
Isn’t this nice? One big happy fucking family? And she was going to be here any minute now. Well, if I’m lucky. Maybe Eric realized she took the bus and was coming back. Either way. She was coming here. Was I ready?
My magic eight ball mind says no, but why was I the one that felt this way? She left me. Didn’t tell me what was wrong, just disappeared from my life. But I knew it wasn’t the end, that’s why try and contact her.
Sitting on the Anderson’s couch made this so difficult. What was I going to do when I see her? That one night of passion floated around my mind like a tornado ruffling about. It was hard not to think about everything that happened that night. I spent the entire day with her. Still burning in my thoughts.
If had half a mind to just drive back home I would. Where alone is the usual regiment of daily life and I didn’t have a care about anything else. Yep, that was me. Solitaire to the bone. I lived to be by myself. Nothing ever satisfied me. Or maybe I was perfect and I didn’t want women to know what was going on. That’s all I knew.
If anyone were to get inside my head, I fear for their lives. Its cold and dark and there are demons strewn around. It was messy, I was scared of being so open, until I met her.
I feel like finally, here it is, and it wasn’t a simple thing. Closing myself off was the past and I was moving on. It wasn’t that long ago but I’m not giving up. Even if I didn’t think I was ready. We have a chance. I wanted her in my life and I didn’t want to keep saying that. It’s going to happen.
I know she loves me. Don’t ask me how or why. I was going to find out some things. I had to.
I heard the car garage open and I instantly stiffened. Here we go. I felt like I was at the top the roller coaster about to plummet nearly 100 feet above the soil. I enjoyed and feared this feeling. I was going into the deep end with out the floatation securing my fall.
I wanted to be as discreet as possible but also let her know exactly why I’m here. I didn’t have much to go over all my lines. It was one of those wind it with passion things.
How can I get some answers now? I just wish there was a way I whisk her away to isolation and forget about all this. But I knew this was important. When I said I loved her, it was everything. Bits and pieces of life flashed before my eyes and all I wanted to do was lay forever and forget everything else that I was going through.
But I placed that fantasy away for a good moment. I need to be careful. I stood up and waited for her to come to the living room. I leaned against the wall and tilted my head to get a better look at the back door. It seemed like they were taking a long time just to get out.
I spotted her trailing behind Eric. She was wearing her pale pink uniform and her hair was messy but she still looked beautiful. She held this sullen look on her face that I was drawn to.
She looked beaten, worn out, almost like she didn’t want to be anywhere. Shit, this is going to be harder that I hoped. I didn’t want to make her more angry than she probably already feels. God knows what’s been going through her mind. Am I anywhere? Does she think about that day?
I have to try a different way. Maybe demanding wasn’t the best option. I exhaled deeply thinking about how I was going to do this.
I didn’t think when I said it, “Mariah, hey.”
Way to go asshole. Subtle much?
She barely glanced my way as if she was completely surprised I was on the planet let alone her house. I waved a little, covering up the nerves of course.
Her eyes were squinting when she came closer to me. It was slow, I wish I could run to close the gap faster. When she reached me she looked at me now like I was someone familiar to her but she couldn’t place me. It was clear Eric didn't tell her.
“Josh? What are you doing here?”
Here we go, moment of truth. Don’t fudge it up, “Can I-uh can I talk to you?”
She dragged that delicious tongue around her lips, “Why?”
Oh boy, abort, don’t beat it to a pulp. Just be subtle. Yeah, that’s my style alright. “I need to explain some things. Can you hear me out please?”
I still haven’t figured out why she was mad but I was going to get to the bottom to this. I promised myself that.
The crinkles on her forehead soften. Yes! “Can you give me second? I just need to change my clothes.”
I nodded vehemently, “Yeah, I’ll wait out here when you’re done.”
She turned on her heal and left to her room upstairs.
I smiled a little. This is good. She’s going to listen at least. I was so fucking determined to keep her this time. This is good chance to get everything out in the open. I knew if I want her in my life I was going to have to listen.
I sat down on the couch behind me and relaxed for a moment. I needed to collect what I was about to say. All I could think about was if she didn’t love me, would she have given me a chance?
I smiled at the truth. I knew, my heart warmed at the thought. I heard footsteps down the stairs and nearly jumped up from where I was. I got up, shaking off the access nerves of seeing her in anything. She dresses so casually but it’s the fact that she’s not trying to make me hard, makes me harder.
I look up and she already was so close. She stood 3 inches away and all I could think about was touching her. I couldn’t restrain myself for long. But she fighting it too?
“What did you want to talk about?” She raised her eyebrow.
Do What You Have To Do by Mariah
Mariah’s POV
I stood in front of him on purpose so close. One, I wanted to get the words out quickly, and two, I was getting away with it. I could smell everything and it was bothering me. I didn’t want to get distracted again. I was doing perfect fine on my own, not thinking about what I would say or how I react.
I put on my brave face and stared him down. It was hard to stare at a place that wasn’t irresistible. I only hoped this would be quick. I prayed I could just sleep and not think about anything else.
“OK, well, what I’m trying to ask--can we sit down first? I just got a little deja vous there.”
I assumed he was referring to the time he was in my room. I sat down on the couch and he sat on the other side. I figure it was best we keep our distance. I breathed easy until he moved a little closer. I tried to move as best I could but I had no room left.
“Mariah, please, this isn’t easy for me. Look at me. Come on?”
I gulped and turned my head, cautious as I did so. “Say what you want to say Josh. I’m not in the mood for head games.”
“I’m not playing games. There’s no simple way to act like nothing happened here. We were both there. What we said, I haven’t forgot. I also haven’t forgot you disappearing last time. Why did you leave?”
I wasn’t sure what to say. I had a feeling he was going to confront me. But if he is playing me for a fool, I won’t regret saying goodbye. What hurts me more than anything is this could be true. I wasn’t going to find out this way.
“Doesn’t matter. I don’t want to talk about this.”
He grabbed my elbow, forcing me to glare at him, “It matters to me. I thought everything was fine. If it was, what was going on?”
I struggled with my answer. I wanted to ask him, but I didn’t want it to be true. How long was I not going to bring it up? But there was something inside me that was saying just ask him. What did I have left to lose?
I pulled my arm back and stood up, walking to the fireplace mantel. I took a deep breath and shook as I felt his arms around me. Oh no, this is so not good. All the work of the past weeks just went away. It’s too late, I’m sucked in and there’s no way out.
“Why can’t you tell me? Do you know how much you mean to me? I know these are just words but you have to believe me. Please talk to me, Mariah. Please…”
I snapped my eyes shut, so much of that sounded too good to refuse. But I just can’t surrender. I know if I do, there’s some way I will get hurt. “I can’t, I just want to be left alone.”
“No you don’t. I can’t let you go. Do you know what I was thinking about all that time? Not what you did but where were you going. If anything happened. I was going crazy thinking about the worst things. It kept me up every night and I couldn’t sleep. I missed how everything made sense when you were there.”
“You make it seem like I’m your property. Knowing you has been very complicated, Josh. It’s not fair. I’m not going to do this to myself.”
He tightened his grip on me, I could feel his breath knowing what my body needs. I was shaking under his hold. “I don’t want to lose you.”
“You never had me. I can’t do this.” I tried to mask what I could and pulled his arms off me and gripped the corner of the mantel.
“What is it, Mariah? Just tell me? I can’t stand seeing you like this.” The sincerity scared me and I knew if I faced him now, I’d be spilling everything at will.
“I shouldn’t believe you but I want to. I don’t want to be stupid though. I just want to forget about this.”
“Why, what is wrong? How bad could it be?”
Bad enough to ignore the call of my heart. It was stronger than anything I’ve felt in my life. I was giving up too fast. I knew I was. But the feeling that there’s someone I don’t know about, kills my chances to build something meaningful.
It just came out of me before I could stop it, “Who’s Bobbie?”
I finally looked at him, all the color drained from his face as he took in what I asked him. “How do you know about Bobbie?”
“Does it matter? Who is she, Josh?” I was on a roll, I didn’t know where it was coming from but I wasn’t about to break it.
“She isn’t in my life anymore. Is this what this is about?”
The tears I didn’t know of, fell blindly on their own, “Why do you carry a picture of her?”
This silenced him. I had him right where I wanted him. The fact that he had to take a moment to answer tells me everything I needed to know.
“How do you know about that?”
I smirked, smacking myself mentally for giving him the benefit of the doubt. “I knew it. I didn’t want to tell myself this but I knew it and THAT’S why I left you that night. I ask you a simple question and you can’t give me a straight answer. Because you don’t know…”
I wasted my time with this long enough. But he had the nerve to open his mouth again.
“No, its not what you think. I do know, its just complicated. She’s, well--she’s--”
“You can’t say it? What is she? Why is it complicated? Remember, it’s a yes or no? Is she a problem for you or not?”
“I loved her a long time ago, yes, but it was don--”
“Hey, Mimi, what’s going on here?” Jake all of a sudden piped into the conversation.
I was so close. Was it a sign?
Josh’s POV
Fuck, why him! Why now? I was so close to fixing this and this fucker comes in at the worst times. I should just spit this out while I have the chance.
“Mariah, listen to me, please…” I begged her to look in my direction.
She was gone. I lost her. She was looking at Jake with a strange expression. “Jake, what are you doing here?”
He looked closely at her face and came closer. “What’s going on here?”
Jake looked between us like the fucker he is and all I wanted to do was smash him into the wall for being so pretentious. But all this was sadly internally.
“Nothing, I need to just, nothing is going on. We’re done.”
I caught her arm before she had the chance to go anywhere. “Please, hear me out. I need to say this.”
She pulled away and folded her arms, “Say it.”
She looked so upset and it was because of me. I just wanted it all to stop, “She means nothing to me. I swear this. I couldn’t lie to you.”
She targeted me. I wasn’t sure what she was going to say but I knew, I had a feeling I wasn’t going to like it. “I have to go. Please go away.”
“Mariah, please, don’t do this, I…” I was on the verge of weeping, it was a sad sight.
I wanted to say I was sorry. But it was too late. She fled from me, almost as if I were watching it in slow motion. How did she know about Bobbie? Picture? Where was the picture she was talking about? I would know if I had a picture of her. I threw them all out. I didn’t burn, just threw them away.
Why did this have to happen? Why now when I start this incredible feelings. And I can’t share it with the one person who brought me here.
It was too bad. I felt like I was never going to be given a chance but I wasn’t about to give up so fast. It was like a sickness. This overwhelming urge to just be close. If I could have that, nothing would phase me.
I looked at her door, it bothered me more than I could admit. Too much, but that’s what I liked about it.
“What’s the big deal, man?”
I whipped my head around and I realized Jake was being an asshole again. Why did I bother? Oh yeah, he was obviously trying to be with her too.
“What’s it to you? It’s none of your business.”
He stepped closer, temping me into throwing the first punch, “She is my business. I’m not going to let you drive her to what she did before. I’m NOT going to let that happen ever again.”
I was fucking fed up with this loser, “You have no idea what she wants. You obviously don’t have a clue what she’s going through and you’re the “family friend”. Yeah, some friend.”
He held his hands up, backing up, “Look, you better listen here. What she needs is not someone who will try and fuck around. Its not your place to decide what she wants.”
“She wants ME. She doesn’t need anyone telling her what she needs. You don’t own her.” Damn, just give me a reason to punch the fuck outta this fucker.
“Just leave her alone, that’s what she told you now. You love her don’t you?”
I sniffed, “Don’t you?”
“Doesn’t matter. I never pushed her like you accuse me of. Just leave her alone, Josh. She needs to be by herself. She doesn’t want anymore drama in her life.”
Whatever, I was done with this mindless altercation, “Stay outta my way, Jake. I mean it.”
“Don’t worry, I won’t be a threat, unless I need to be. If you hurt her, I’ll make you regret it.”
“Get outta my way,” I pushed passed him and ran upstairs to her room.
I had to burst in there and tell her something, this couldn’t wait. For what its worth, it was in my hands. What she needed was me, no matter what she says.
I knocked on her door, there’s no eyehole so she can’t tell if its me anyway. I wasn’t going to let her get away like this.
I pushed the door open and looked around the room. I couldn’t find her anywhere. Something felt weird. I heard sounds coming from the bathroom. I quickly ran over and what I saw frightened me to the core.
Mariah lay slumped over the tub, razor blade in hand, revealing deep cuts upon her wrists going up to her elbows. Her face looked as if she had no will left. This is the time I was starting to actually cry. I can’t lose her!
Shit! I knelt down quickly, gathering her up in my arms and grabbed the nearest wash cloth, dampening it with warm water. The blood was blinding my eyes. I tried not to think about the worst. I was having almost an out of body experience but I had to be strong and not show any of this. For her sake.
“God… what’s wrong? Why would you do this to yourself?”
I was spewing out questions just like that to myself too. Makes me regret everything I’ve said to make her breakdown. She was going down a destructive path. It was horrible that she couldn’t control herself. I felt like if I left now, everything would fall apart.
I bet her parents and mine would still be down there until she finally closed her eyes. I shuddered at that thought. This was not good. I didn’t want to worry now, she’s right here, in front of me. That should be it.
“JC? No, don’t do that. I don’t need that…” She weakly started to push my hand away from cleaning her wrists.
“What is it? What do you want me to do? I can’t leave you alone now. Its too late. I have to do this. I love you too much to let you do this. Its not worth doing anything to yourself. Please, your parents may not see it, but you mean too much to do this.”
I resumed my cleaning and checked under the sink for some adhesive or wrap. I didn’t want to hide anything, but I needed something to stop the bleeding. It was pretty deep so I found some Neosporin before I wrapped it up tightly. I gently placed it down and picked her up a little more so her body wasn’t so slumped over. I grabbed the second wrap and began putting it on. I was too determined to fix this. Her woozy state was freaking my senses and I knew I had to move fast.
I could feel her eyes on me and even though they were barely open, they were pretty piercing. I would give anything to know what she’s thinking right now. Anything. Her life is in my hands and I was barely stable myself.
I know what this is all about. I knew what I had to do. Being here, was the hell that was killing her slowly, and if I don’t do anything, it’ll be over and I know I couldn’t live with myself if anything happened.
But its starting to. If I don’t change it. I realize I have to do this.
“You still love her?”
“Who? Still love who?”
She grumbled and it pains me, “Bobbie?”
I sighed after I wrapped the other wrist. “No… I need to get you out of here.”
Her eyes opened a little bigger, “I believe you, I’m sorry.”
Mariah’s POV
It was going to happen. My life. That dream I had was about to come true. All I put up with is going to mean something. I enjoyed the feeling.
The moment I started cutting again it was like ritual. I know what I would and I didn’t have a care what would happen. I would rather end it now than live with the bruises. But Josh knew this and he saved me. But as I say it, there’s more to it. I have a feeling it wasn’t the first time he did this.
But here I was, trying to recuperate as best I could. The damage I’ve done has taken its toll. I lay there, trying to rebuild what was broken with the one man who I know could stop me from seeing red. He lay next to me upon my bed, not as a lover, not just a friend, but as a human. Someone who knows all the trials that come with getting through the next second.
But was it enough? He was holding my hand the entire time. He couldn’t left anytime he wanted. What does that say about character? I know anyone else would have folded and gotten bored with all this.
Sympathy is hard thing to come across when people think you’re full of shit. Was I supposed to get used to that? Probably not but it’s a reality I face everyday. Forced sympathy is the worst. I hate when anyone is too obvious with it. You could totally tell because usually they know mom and dad. It doesn’t get worse than that.
I don’t do this for attention, despite popular reasoning, I do it for feeling. Someone once said I was too needy. Like I need someone around me 24/7 and claimed that I demanded such attention constantly. As soon as they said that, it was unforgiving. Me? Need someone? I have never asked anyone if they had to look my way. I didn’t give a fuck.
People who think that need to burn in hell. But its no use having such harsh feelings when they don’t care about anyone but themselves. Now I know who they are. It was unfortunate to accept but I managed. I had nothing left to lose. Lord knows, if there is one, I’m skating on thin ice constantly. I never ask for help or even complained about anything and I still manage to get such comments. I didn’t understand that. It was heartbreaking. To live like that.
That’s why I didn’t want to live. I couldn’t force myself to get through anything. I was consumed with this silent hatred for the world and the way I was treated. As I think about this, I always think of the song “Whenever You Call” by my namesake. Well, I wish someone like her could be in my life. Maybe as a friend. Someone I can count on when I have a problem. No more empty truths and horrid promises. It was a dream and I still had hope. I’m trying not to be a cynic with all of me. Trying to press on strangely.
But I’m not alone. I know that now. I’m in love and its real. So real it scares me. But in a good way. I never wanted to stray from how I feel right now. Cradled so strongly in his arms, made it OK to breathe. I loved him so much its like something out of a fairytale. The feelings alone. It was enough. He was enough. He just had to stay. I did need him so bad but I have a hard time coming clean.
But I knew that I could make it. That me feel wonderful. I never thought I could admit that. But he know without my saying. This is the start of something great. I only hope it stays with me for a while. This safe solitude I ached for, is finally here.
Tears start streaming down my face and I wiped at my eyes. I was shifting a bit in my place. I waited for this. In all of my 22 years here, I found my reason. I was embracing it. Not once slipping from the hold. It was too powerful, too real to ignore.
I felt him brush my hair. He’s doing that a lot now I’m beginning to think it’s a habit. I lean into it, letting his hands work their majestic power. I was reeling from all the sensations going through me.
“I really do need to get out of here. There’s nothing here that I could stand anymore. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”
He took a deep breath, “We’ll think of something. I don’t want anything else to happen. Too much has gotten to me already. I couldn’t live if something happened to you.”
“I’m slowly starting to believe that. But to me, its really confusing. Most of my life, I was struggling silently. I never asked for anyone’s help even though I know I needed it more than anything. That doesn’t make me needy does it?”
I looked at her behind me. He drops a soft kiss on my lips, tracing my bottom lip with his finger. “Asking for help is not needy. People overuse that word too much. Its doesn’t mean friends can need each other all the time, just be there for them. Love them for who they are and share their problems with them. If they don’t, then they were never that close to begin with. Just in my opinion. I’ve had to let a lot of friends I called out of my life because of that. Its better than letting them use you.”
I snuggled closer if I can. My body was now smashed against his and it looked pretty compromising if we didn’t have our clothes on. But I wasn’t distracted. He knew my situation and he understood it. And I didn’t have censor myself around him. But he was still here, I could rely on him.
“I just waste my time knowing people. Trying hard to trust them, I just want to know worry about this so much. I’d like to, if I could, erase all those people permanently and start over. There’s so much left over from the past.”
“Is it hard because you can’t let things go? It helps a lot to sometimes all and all, bury that stuff once and for all. But I can help you with this. I have problems with letting go of the mess. Its not going to me easy…”
“Most things aren’t.”
“We shouldn’t give up then. Nothing is worse than just giving up.” He whispered in my ear.
I smiled, turning back around, sitting up on my elbows looking at him next to me, “I used to say I don’t hold grudges. Well, to myself I did a lot. No one wanted to listen. But for the most part, I’m always hoping. Still a reformed atheist but I believe in hoping.”
“Its something. But we’re not alone on this. So I’m staying here for the rest of the night. I said I wasn’t going to leave you.”
I turned around, with a worried expression, “But, I mean, what happens when my mom comes in here. She’ll see the wraps and they’ll lock me up again. I can’t do that Josh. I’m not going back there. They’ll commit me its too la--”
He holds up his hands to stop me and I listened. “No, nothing like that will happen. I’ll try to, I dunno, do you have anything long sleeve that isn’t white?”
“Yeah?” I lifted my eyebrow.
“OK, can you go change and meet me downstairs. I’ll have to talk to your mom about your coming with me. That way there’s a good chance they won’t ask questions. They trust me, which is good.”
I inhaled deeply. I trusted him too. I wanted to be reassured. I had to pull this off right. “OK, I’ll go get ready. I’ll met you downstairs.”
I didn’t move to get up. I stayed where I was. Right under the glare of light. I was put on the spot, shaking as he leaned down and took over my mouth with a want and need that came out of nowhere.
“I’m not alone.” More a statement than a question.
“Not anymore. Don’t feel like you are. You better get going if you wanna move fast.”
I nodded, smiling, “Alright, I’ll be just a second.”
I pushed myself off the bed, still holding onto his hand and slipping it off on my own pace. I walked over to the dresser, and pulled out my navy blue long sleeve blouse and placed it over my bandages.
I could feel his eyes burning me. It was too much. Being in the same room and so close without ignoring my feelings. I always thought relationships were a lot of work. I figure if you’re on the same page, they aren’t too bad really. I felt lucky for that. I looked at him.
My eyes shining in a different way.
Josh’s POV
She had to stand behind me for this to work. I couldn’t think of what I would do if they did commit her. She doesn’t belong there. She belongs with me. I know.
She met me downstairs and we walked just as I planned, she walked behind me holding, more like gripping onto my hand. She whispered something to me.
“I don’t know if this is going to work, Josh. Your mom and dad are here too. I have a bad feeling about this.”
She was reading my mind. But still, I was determined to get out here. We walked to the kitchen and I did a little wave to her parents. Mariah was close behind me but if she was hiding herself, they would get suspicious. Especially mine. They care about her more than her own anyway.
“Hey guys, we’re about to head take a walk outside for a moment.” I bent down and kissed my mom.
Mariah was like scared kitten behind me. I tried pulling her around to at least show herself. I looked back and her eyes fixed on me. She was shaking her head, refusing to do anything.
I mouthed “don’t worry about it” and brought her over to my side. She didn’t refuse now, it was too late.
Darla smiled, “Hi, honey, where are you guys going this late at night?”
“Talking, just going to be close. Don’t worry Mrs. Anderson. We’ll be OK.”
“Can it wait?” Oh the return of 666. This was getting a lot harder not to just pummel him right now and with pleasure.
I eyed Jake, standing with that fucking smirk on his face against the corner wall. He was like Stillwell Angel from A League of Their Own only more annoying. “You know, it can’t--”
Mariah interrupted me, “Its OK Jake. Its just for a few minutes. Getting some fresh air.”
Peter cleared his throat, “As long as you guys come back. Go ahead.”
I watched how Peter looked at his daughter. Fucking freaked me out. Reminded me of the creepy dads who watch their daughters strip for them. I made mental note of that.
Peter licked his lips and I knew it was time to go. “Well, OK, see you guys later.”
We waved stiffly back and turned around as fast as we could outside. As soon as we ran outside Mariah started jumping up and what looks like the Carleton dance, I wasn’t sure. Her cheeks were red and her eyes were big. She looked like a child. Like a child just coming off from a roller coaster.
She jumped in my arms, “I can’t believe this. Thank you so much! Ow…”
She pulled back grabbing onto her bandages. I came at her, trying to see what I could do to help. “Are you alright?”
She waved it off and sat down on the curb, I followed behind sitting down next to her, “I just couldn’t control my happiness. I am really grateful to for all this. Anyone else never would have bothered to listen. It means a lot to me.”
I met her forehead with mine, “I love you, angel. I want to take care of you. Will you come back to my place with me?”
She licks her lips, kissing the corners of my mouth so delicately before touching her forehead with mine. “Its not fair…”
“What? What’s not fair?”
She exhales, “I’ve been here so long and I’ve only just found you.”
I rubbed her nose playfully with mine, “Well, you found me…”
She grinned from ear to ear before giving me kiss filled with passion and excitement. I ran my fingers through her hair, feeling my way, memorizing all the smells and textures.
I was a lucky man now. Everything else became blurry to me. Her blonde hair shimmered in the streetlight. The streaks imminent to anyone, soft and flowing like the rain. It was a vision. I could see her in my life, I didn’t think about anything else.
“Come on, let’s go home.” I pulled myself up, leading the way there.
I followed behind her and unlocked the car doors. I opened the door and at the corner of my eye I noticed Jake watching me closely.
After she got in I ran over to the other side and quickly to started the car. The tires screeched as I sped to our only salvation.
How Did I Fall In Love With You? by Mariah
Mariah’s POV
Josh was going kind of fast and we both knew it. I dared ask the question.
“Josh, what’s wrong?” I touched his shoulder and that only made him accelerate faster.
“Josh. Josh please, what’s going on?” I said, urgently.
He didn’t say anything and kept his eyes in front of him. Did someone see us? Oh no. I hoped it wasn’t my mom. All the scenarios popped up in my head and I was frantic now. My heart was speeding up as I was holding onto my bandages.
“Josh, stop the car. Please, stop the car now! Stop the god damn car!” I yelled at him but nothing worked.
What the fuck could it be? This silence was killing me. I watched his head bounce back and forth as if he were looking for stalkers. Seriously, I was getting worried now. I had to do something.
I unbuckled and pushed on his shoulder. I pushed again, and he looked at me finally, than looked back on the road as he turned the corner to his place. I was scared, I didn’t know what just happened.
He clicked open the garage quickly and drove inside a little slower now. I waited until the car came to a complete stop until I said something. I pulled my hair out and my face and stared him down.
“What the fuck is going on? Are you mad or something?”
He seemed to be as shocked as I was. He leaned back and placed his palm over his forehead as if checking is he was sick. He wouldn’t look at me. I just wanted to help him. Maybe there’s something I could do.
I gently took his hand from his face and brought it closer it me. At least it wasn’t like a super crazy freak out. I leaned toward him and gave him a soft kiss on his cheek. I brushed the spot gingerly, trying to get his face on me.
“Josh, please. Come on?”
He scared me when he spoke, “I can’t get that look out of my eyes. He was looking at me in the strangest way.”
I shook my head, confused, “Who? What happened back there?”
He rubbed at his eyes with his fingers, and sucked in his bottom lip. “First it was your dad, than it was Jake. I don’t think you can go back there anymore.”
I already knew this, what was the big deal. I was an adult. “Josh, what are you talking about?”
Josh threw the question out of the way, “Don’t worry about it.” He finally turned around, “You’re safe with me now. I’m going to take care of you.”
I gave him a hug but I pulled him closer to me this time. I didn’t want him to worry so much. I winced at my arm, singeing back and fixing my bandage.
I looked at him with solemn eyes. “These things are barely holding on, do you have any gauze or something else?”
He looked between me and the cloth around my arm. “Let’s go.”
I nodded and followed him to the back door. When we entered I was hit my the heat. For some reason it was really hot. Maybe he left the heat on or had all the windows closed.
“Ooh, its hot here. Let me put on the air. I have no fans here so…”
He went to flip on the air and took off his jacket. I started removing my top shirt because it was bothering me, plus my wraps were not staying in place. I looked at them. It had a huge red spot that soaked through the bandage. I didn't want to drip anything on the carpet even though I think its been taken care of already. My cuts were still deep enough and it was hard to look at.
"Do you need some help? I can change them if you want?" He touched my face.
As he said this, I felt the cool air splash on my face as I followed behind him to the bathroom. I was wearing a purple tank and shivered a little bit as I stepped into the green-walled bathroom. I figure most bathrooms are cooler than other rooms. I wondered for a second why is that.
Josh took my arms and laid them down on the ice cold counters. My wounds were wide open, it wasn't the best feeling. It was like someone trying to rip open my skin only nothing is happening. I tried not to let it get to me as he took out doctor-like supplies from his medicine cabinet. As I watched him pull out the various tools, I began thinking again. I was wondering what my life was going to be like. Bits and pieces of the past fight its way through. Too much clutter piling up.
I tried to keep my arms as straight and still as I could. It got more painful when he dabbed my cuts with rubbing alcohol. I hated those days when people were putting that stuff on me. It was one of the worst feelings. I was trying to be strong. I wanted to scream out loud. The smell was invigorating. It was making me a little sleepy. But I knew I couldn't fall now. My back started hurting a lot. I had a lot of knots in certain areas. But I have to stay still.
"Just a little bit longer. I'm sorry if this is hurting you."
He couldn't do it on purpose, "You're almost done, right?"
He blew on my cut after he applied the cream before placing the gaze over it. "Yeah, I'm no doctor but my mother was a nurse so she taught me a few things, so... Its pretty basic when you have deep cuts like this. You're never supposed to submerge it into cold water or whatever you hear. Always wipe it with a cloth. It may sound weird but there's a lot of bacteria in the sink that could get into the cut."
"Sounds like a lot of information all at once. But its important." Talking was the only way to keep me awake from all the fumes.
He grabbed another wrap and began tightening the hold around the gaze until it ran out of slack. My hands and arms were in the same position as left them and I was getting an itch suddenly. I squirmed a little but I could mask it for the life of me. He caught me and instantly softened his features.
"OK, all done. What do you wanna do now? Do want anything to eat or drink?"
All I could think of at the moment was, "Some wine, please? Its been a while since I had any."
"OK, be right back." He got up, as did I.
I walked back to the living room and sat on the couch. I closed my eyes but I realized this was bad. I couldn't sleep now. Not when I know I might be chased and staked here. I was worried for his life more than mine. What if something happened? I had a feeling something was going happen soon before I could do anything. They know where he lives. It'll be like chaos if they come here.
But I'm an adult, I was taken here by my will. Its not fair though, I had a feeling that wasn't enough. Could I ask him to just move for the sake of not getting arrested? My parents were going to do anything to keep me with them. It was hopeless. I was so scared. But should ask him. Maybe I'm doing that thing where I think of negative things 10 times down the road.
I was brought back when he handed me the glass. I smiled and swirled the wine, airing it out a bit. I took a sip and relaxed as the slight burn seeped itself down my throat. Warming my insides, but I was too chilled to let it completely blanket me. A lot was riding on my life and I didn't know what to expect.
"Penny for your thoughts?" Try a million of them.
I shrugged, giving him my full attention from my spacey position. "There's so much to say, but I don't really know what goes first."
He placed his glass down after he took a sip, "Have you tried not thinking about what aggravates you so much? Or maybe just ignore the people who do this to you?"
"People?"
"Yeah, it has to be something who makes us crazy. But its OK to feel crazy. As long as you can take the bad in with the good."
"You say it like its so easy. Its one thing to get away with that, its another to force yourself to believe that and actually do it. I think that made more sense in my head." I giggled.
"Its OK, I think I got the gist of it."
I took a long sip and placed my glass down, "But you said people? How do you know that I wasn't born crazy? Cuz it could be just my fault all this is happening to me."
He shook his head, "No, I can just tell when people are naturally crazy from one's that just live in a crazy world. Its not hard to spot. You fall into the guilty by association category. Once you realize that, a huge weight is lifted and you sweat off the other things. But, we're not crazy-crazy. We'll leave that up to Courtney Love."
I throw my head back in a laugh. "Well that's in a different class all its own. I don't feel the need to break everything in sight... yet."
"You sure you don't want anything to eat?"
"I’m OK, Josh. I feeling a little out of it though. Maybe I should rest for a second." As soon as I said this, he moved closer and held me against his body.
"Your probably right. I'm pretty tired too. But do you wanna go over to the bed and rest. I could just carry you over."
"What am I a princess?”
"Of course you are. You're my princess."
I blushed, biting my bottom lip, "Well, if I'm your princess, you're my prince.”
"I feel like I'm in like one of those weird ass fairytales. Only they don't curse as much as we do."
I slapped his cheek, "That was so lame. Alright, take me away."
I gripped onto his shoulders as he lifted me from the couch and carried me over to the bed. I took off my shoes and slipped into the covers. I buried myself into the covers, soaking into the warmth. I love that feeling after a long ass day just forget about it and relax knowing you're a little safer... There's still a lot on my plate but I prefer not to delve at the moment.
It was funny watching Josh get undressed. It was like watching a boy lazily pull off clothes. I wanted to laugh but I figure he'd maybe take it the wrong way. Who knows? I argue too much in my head. When he was finally down to his boxers he gave me a quick smile before he went to brush his teeth.
I turned on my side, just wondering. How does my life start over just like that? How does anyone's life start over? Life can't just automatically get wiped clean and than you get another chance. I wanted to fully believe that. I have my doubts, most of my doubts concern Josh.
Whoever thought I could fall in love with someone like him? Why, I ask myself that a lot. Why do I feel this way about him? Maybe its because he brings out things in me I never thought I could show.
OK, now you're probably thinking its all cliché and I'm probably pulling this out of someone ass. I wish it were easier to admit that. But I did love him. I didn't know why. I probably won't ever know the reason. But this is how I feel. I used to think someone like me is forever destitute, like my match was too burnt out to start over. I don't know if one could get used to the solo surroundings, but my time in it came close. I thought I accepted it. My life was falling too fast for me to say anything. A bunch of nos and louder nos and doors slammed in my face will get you a life like that. If you want to know my secret. It isn't really hard. Even you can do it.
I sighed, really deep in thought as I asked myself, "How did I fall in his life this fast?"
Josh's POV
I thought I heard something I finished cleaning up the bathroom and dried my hands and face. Was she talking to me? I poked my head out and checked out what was going on.
I could stare what I was staring at all night if I had forever. Such a beauty, such a vision. Her face, just this delicate beauty if only people know the heartbreak, she wouldn't have permanent worry lines. I wished there was a way of erasing all the worry in life but it was harder than I thought. Maybe I wasn't doing enough. I racked my brain for anything and come up tired, empty, and dried out.
I never thought this much in my whole life and it was taking a toll now. Clearing your mind? OK, how does one do that again? What's the fucking secret?
I decided I would come back to that answer when I was good and desperate. I came closer to the angel before me knelt down. I titled my head a little and smiled. I pulled some hair out of her eyes as the light from lap danced upon her cheeked, shining all the more. The way her long lashes rested on her cheek made her look like a maiden in one of those period pictures. Than, I noticed something.
Had she been crying? I observed carefully. I didn't want to touch her just yet. Something pulled me out of my fixation. Fuck that phone! But it was too loud, I couldn't wake her with it. I decided to run quickly to the receiver. Its probably either mom, bobby, or well, I sure hope its not the third choice. I haven't even had a plan yet. I needed time.
Please, for fucking God, don't let it be number 3. I clicked on the phone at the third ring. Oh boy, talk!
"Hello?" I spoke softly, unsure.
There was breathing, and then--"Don't fuck around with us Josh, bring her home right now, or I'll be the threat for both of us.”
Oh no! My heart raced. She can't know. I had to think of something and fast!
"Not a chance, Jake. Do whatever you want. She's an adult, she doesn't need you or anyone else anymore. Get used to it."
I was being direct, than I heard the phone on the other side so extremely quiet, "Thanks for making this easy, bro."
That was when I heard the click that terrified me.
Angel In Disguise by Mariah
Mariah’s POV
I awoke with a loud crash. I gasped and got out of bed. It was nearly dusk when I ran down the hallway to the living room. I covered my mouth at the site. Josh & Jake were tossing punches left and right and I could do was just stare wide eyes. The two men I cared about, beating the shit out of each other. I had to do something. Say something.
"Jake no! Stop it." I came in between Jake and tried to push him but of course, being a guy, he shoved me to the floor and my back hit the wall with a loud noise that followed.
I heard glass break, things fall with a thump on the floor all around me as I lay there semi-conscious. Why was Jake doing this? I couldn't figure it out. Why now? I lifted my head as I watched the fight ensue on. It was like my legs were held together and I couldn't get up. It looked like Josh was winning, I wasn't sure.
I groaned as I forced myself up. My head felt dizzy and all the sounds in me got quiet now. I knew I wasn't dead but the world around me sure felt like it. I was barely watching Jake and Josh try to kill each other and it was scarier than anything else. It was like watching a horror movie unfold before me. And I couldn't stop it. It seemed to real to be a nightmare. I hoped it was. But this was too fucking real.
"Please don't." My eyes dazed though fogginess.
I screamed out loud when I saw Jake the fire poker and hold it back to take a hit. Again, even than, I couldn't get up. My muscles were paralyzed and it was too late. One blow to the head, followed by another to the temple. The sign of blood signified something so dark. Josh was out cold. My world collapsed. Was I really here or is this, no! I was, I couldn't believe this. My life, a piece of my, a big piece was dead.
I wanted to die. I know it now. Nothing mattered anymore. That's when I struggled to get up and I ran straight for Jake. I ran so fast I barely felt the poker stab through my chest. I was numb to everything. It was too late. I could feel my body draining and my heart getting cold. I suddenly felt mounds of sweat pouring all over me. It just appeared out of thin air. I couldn't breathe.
When I fell, it wasn't over. It was just beginning.
My eyes sprung open and I jumped up covering my face. No? It was too real. I looked to the side of me and things were different. I felt my body just to make sure if this was not another terror. I felt him take my arm and held onto me with a surge. It was seeing a ghost. Only neither us were the spirits. But just a second ago, too real to confront. I wasn't ready.
I was balling now. Just breaking down my fears and thoughts. I knew it. Now I knew something bad will happen and neither of us will escape alive. This was more than a premonition. This was going to just happen without much warning. Does he know something I don't?
"Did something happen before? I feel like there's something you're not telling me. Please don't say there's nothing." I had to pull away to look and see if he was telling me the truth.
I was trying to trust him. He placed forehead against mine. Than he looked with almost piercing eyes, like a vampire. It was chilling me. "They know. I don't know what's going to happen but they know. I need time to think of something."
I shook my head, not believe what I was hearing, "They know? They saw us? But how? Oh my god, this is not happening."
"It is. Jake saw me when we were leaving. That was why I was manic on the road. But I got this call from Jake and it freaked me out. It was like he was warning me of something really bad. He said to bring you back. I'm not taking you back there."
I can't go back there. I know I can't. "What did you say back?"
"I just told him off. I said you were an adult and you're not going back there. I'm sick of them treating you like a slave."
I sniffed back and wiped at my eyes, "For most of my life, that's what I was. I couldn't do anything because I was young and everyone in the neighborhood liked them. If I had, than I would get it later."
He nodded gently, "They hit you?"
"After a while, it becomes part of your day. They were building that line for me until I cracked finally. That's why I was there. You know, the hospital. When I was brought there by accident, I was so upset that I was going to be saved. But I wasn't saved by the hospital. I didn't know what it was, and than I saw you. It didn't make sense then, but it does now."
He cupped my face and pulled me in for a kiss. "Maybe we could just go somewhere, you know, before they find you here."
"You would do that for me? Just leave your life and go? Are you sure about this?"
He nodded, "They'll put us both away if we're caught. You gave me so many reasons to live I don't care what I have to do to keep you in my life. Whatever it takes. I love you, Mariah. I would do anything for you."
So much inside me fluttered around as my soul was lifted. I covered his mouth with mine, not leaving a spot untouched. I rolled over on top of him, feeling how hard he was under me. I wanted this. I needed him. The perfect time is now.
I sat up and lifted my shirt revealing my nakedness underneath. Out of nowhere, he flipped me over so he was on top. I wondered why he did this.
"What--" He covered my mouth with his lips.
He pulled back and dropped down to my ear, "Let me handle everything."
I shivered and he caught me. More than caught me, I was tangled in this desire that radiated off of his body. I wanted this man. It was too long since we made love. Too long and forever. I let out a sigh and relaxed under his hold.
I sucked in my bottom lip as he took off my panties, like a lover. I was engulfed into this passion, it was too much. Everything around me was moving so slow.
The wait was slowing as his strong finger penetrated my folds. I missed those hands. And when he pumped it in and out of me, I was practically gripping the sheets. I turned my head side to side and was growing out of control. And he barely did anything yet.
"Josh, ahh, please go, ah, deep. Yeah, like that."
"Like that? I'm just getting started. Let me know how you like it?"
I smiled, "I like everything you do."
This was about trust. If I could trust him in bed, than its limitless. I knew I could trust him completely. I had to test him. I had no one else that I could.
He disappeared under the sheet a little lower than I expected. I felt even more heat as warm air and a tongue brushed me. That was it. I was gone.
Josh's POV
My tongue and mouth was doing everything. She was so hot it almost burned my mouth. I placed two fingers to spread her apart so I could get more of her. It was all about her. She was shaking but I held her hips down. That were bucking as my tongue penetrated her insides.
I sucked in her juices and took in everything she gave. I could feel her walls clenching, its imminent.
"Josh, I'm there. Oh god! Ahh." She came hard and I cleaned her out.
She tasted sweet. Like candy. I licked my lips and went up through the sheets to kiss her. But this wasn't just any kiss. I knew what she wanted. She tasted herself as I thrust my tongue and swirled it around in my mouth. This was it. It was this simple.
"Mhmm, Josh. No one ever did that for me before.”
She gathered the sheets up and covered herself. She had to take a moment to maybe collect herself.
"Well, I'm glad I was your first for something."
She giggled and I followed after.
She turned onto her side, her brown eyes staring away than planted themselves on me. “I wanna move away, like as soon as possible. I don't wanna worry that something will happen."
I sighed, sort of frustrated that I knew I could magically take all the shit away. As long as we're still here, she'll keep worrying. I have to come up with something. But I couldn't just up and leave my work. I haven't done anything since I met her. My last project was completely last month and I was behind on all these deadlines.
But I couldn't leave her. I was torn again. My life for hers? There has to be something.
"Josh? Are you OK?"
No, I was mentally dying and there was nothing to pull me up. I rubbed at my face, wiping at the access sweat left there, "I don't know."
Of all the times I could lie and I really couldn't. The truth was, it was difficult to lie now. With all the lying going on, I couldn't stomach another one.
I felt the bed shift as she got started dressing. I knew I was being an ass but I didn't want her to just leave me.
"What are you doing?"
She didn't stop to look at me, she continued on, "Relax, I'm just dressing. Where else am I going to go?"
Shit, that tone. I hated that I caused that. Just as she finished she left the room which prompted me to get up and see what was going on.
She sat on the couch with a huff, took the wine glass in one hand, and downed the rest of the blood red liquid. She placed the glass down and shook her face like she was hallucinating. I wasn't sure exactly.
I just stood there as she bit at her nails, god knows what she's thinking. She looked as if she wanted to just scream at me but was doing a hell of a job holding it in.
"Mariah, what? What is it? Just say it, ask it? I don't give a shit anymore."
Her hand was shaking in her mouth and she took it out fast. She gulped and stood up pacing. I stopped the moving and made her face me.
"What? This is scaring me now. Say it."
She pushed me back making me stumble a little bit but I regained the balance. What was scaring me was her eyes. They held everything all at once.
"I can't do this. I'm not going to do this to you."
"Do what? Mariah, what is it?"
She was crying, but it was soft, just like a child, "He's going to kill you. I know it. I can't let that happen. I can see it. If something happened to you, I-I couldn't go. Josh I can't do this with you."
I took her hands in mine and gripped them like they were my own, "Who's going to kill me? Can’t do what? I love you, and I’m willing to show you everyday how I feel.”
"Don't you see what's been going on? It doesn't work like this. We have to pay a price for cheating death. We have to die. And he's going to kill us. It's too late already."
I stepped back. It was like a blow to the head. I can't help back think I've been through this before. "Why do we have to die?"
It was like she was realizing it herself as I was trying to piece this together, "Because you saved us."
She ran up suddenly, embracing me, as she kissed with such a passion and urgency, almost like she was saying goodbye. She pulled away to my dismay.
"I have to do this..." And that was when she ran out the door.
I realized this for a second and sped up but it was like she flew down before me. When she reached the ground I called out to her, but it was too late. The bullets had gotten to her before anything else to could stop this.
"NO!" I screamed and ran with a full speed outside.
It was just like I was flying on thin air too. I couldn't think of anything else. She was shot in the head and chest. She was already dead when I got there. I picked her up in my arms and was drenched in her blood. It was me, a part of me. It was ME who was died. I was screaming at nothing.
Here I was, on the floor, crying everything I had out, and everything was taken away just like that. And than--
Two shots fired once more. But in me. I stilled but managed to turn around behind me.
"I knew it was you."
Mariah’s POV
Josh sprung up in bed and nearly screamed loud enough to break the windows. I was wondering if the same thing was going on with him. That was a blood curdling shout. It stilled me and all I could do was stare at him. His breath was out of control. Like jumping all over the place. He wouldn't look at me and kept his hands over his face. I touched his shoulder for a reaction and he gasped, looking at me like we were strangers.
"Josh? What is it? What did you see?"
He gestured wildly, "It was like I couldn't do anything. I knew it was coming and I couldn't stop it. You said things, you said that we cheated death."
"I did? How did we cheat death?"
He ran his hand through his hair, composing himself, "I don't get it. I saw him there. It was like telling me what was going to happen. But than it was over just when I figured it out. It all happened so fast, like a horror movie. The strangest things."
I came closer and placed my arms around him a little tighter than I intended. "Why are we having these nightmares? Does this mean they're going to come true eventually?"
He held onto my arms back, "I don't know. Just that phone call, now this. Someone is telling us something. I think we should get outta here. I don't know where but I'd feel better once I knew things were going to be OK. Its so tough to say now."
I spoke from my heart, "Anywhere but here. I don't wanna think about this, its already hurting us that we're waiting to do something. When are we going?"
He removed my hold and took my hands together, "I don't want to scare you..."
"Why would you scare me? I trust you.”
He sighed, rubbing his face of the tired that seeped through. He was hiding something and I haven't clue what it was exactly.
"First thing in the early morning. I have to drop everything. Change my life around. But it doesn't matter, I'm ready for the change. Just everything is moving so fast. All that matters is not waiting around. We have to just go, its the only way."
I was still confused, "I only wish that we knew where, it'd be a lot easier. Its nearly morning and I know I won't be able to sleep. There's too much at stake."
"Come here..." He motioned for me.
He laid down and brought me with him and covered both our bodies. His warm chest cradled me in a soothing way but my head was throbbing from all the list of problems. Our breathing took over the issues that I desperately wanted to bring up. There was so much I wanted to say and I had no way of coming out with it.
Josh was killed and I was stabbed accidentally with the same weapon. Than I realized what it is. Just a warning. My life could end, it will end. But judging from this, I won't know what's in store. When the moment will come. I didn't let go of his hand, knowing if I had, I couldn't get through anything.
Sometimes I think I'm wasting my time with all this. I was in earshot of pretty much everything. I think I'm going to be caught right now. Like someone could break in and make my nightmares a reality. The thought terrified me as I grabbed him so hard that his body was smashed against mine.
"This is not life, Josh. I can't risk you."
"Its already too late for that. I can't stop how I feel.”
"I know but I don't know if I want you to go so far. For your sake. It's my fault for all this and you don't have to suffer with me."
"I too sucked into this. I can't leave you alone now. Especially with all this visions. Feels like I'm in Die Hard or something."
"I hated that movie."
"As a guy I'm supposed to like it."
"Good to know. Now that the levity is brought up, what are we going to do? What if someone tries to stop us?"
"I honestly don't know. Let's try and sleep, its almost morning."
The silence replaced our voices once again, I lay there just really out of it. My eyes were open, wide open and things were raw and unanswered. Laying out there bleeding in the moonlight, alone and cold.
What would you do if you've had such dreams? I knew I wasn't strong enough to face them but relying on Josh was my last resort. And now he doesn't know. But what was I thinking? I could endanger both our lives by being stupid. Making one stupid mistake. But it isn't fair. I wanted to grow up. I wanted my own views, values. The cage they put me in is starting to brake. It was a matter of time.
But now, I'm running out of time. I couldn't sleep like this. Someone is going to kill us. I feel it. Someone will come after us.
Should I go back? We'll always be running I know now. Plans are made on the whim and I'd constantly have to look behind me. That wasn't what I wanted for either of us.
But I'm ignoring my heart. Ignoring what matters most. Again, I was trying to hide myself from the world because I was afraid. When you're afraid, sometimes you have no choice.
I wish it could be easy for me to admit that I'm an adult and that should be enough to stand up for myself. Doesn't work like that. When you've controlled like a puppet all your life, it becomes a piece of you. I couldn't for the life me, fight them. I had nothing. No gut, no chance of winning this one.
I had to do something. Think of something that could prevent the worst from happening. Fuck, I was so frustrated. I couldn't just lay here and wait.
I thought about calling them. Maybe if I'm lucky, they'll send me to another country, away from this weirdness. Could I just walk to the phone, and end it all? It was so easy to just to that. But to ignore this, keep this at bay, I don't know. How much longer? Its get worse the more I wait for him to answer. Its not like I wasn't trying myself. But without some plan, we're dead anyway. I was stuck again. There was something in the road that I couldn't see. I was blinded by nothing but hanging onto something.
I lay still, but that was it. I couldn't do it. I couldn't leave him just like that. It wasn't my place.
I kissed his jaw and closed my eyes, starting over again.
Josh's POV
I was the first one awake but I wanted her to sleep a little more. She was moving around for the last 3 hours and I decided that she needed some time alone.
I really was in a pit with no way out. I really am feuding with myself to just do the right thing, but drop my life? Everything that I worked hard for. All that work just for love. For her. I know I sound like an ass but that's probably because I was hating myself. If you ask me right now if I trusted her I would say, yes but I'm really saying maybe. There's so much I don't know. That family freaks me out and maybe I'm getting way too into this. Is it too late to change my mind?
But why did I want to? When you trust someone, it should be obvious what to do, right? I didn't want to open another Jack just to brake it again. I had to think about her. But every time I do, my mind just gets mixed up and I wanna smash something. You have no idea how hard it was for me to restrain myself from doing damage. Just to scream my frustration would be enough.
"I wish there was something I can do. This is eating me alive. How will I know if this is really the right decision?"
Thank god for the ring. I picked it up on the first ring, placing it softly against my ear, "Hello?"
"Joshua, Honey? Oh, Thank god. Do you know where she is?"
Shit, running outta time. She is my mother, but I have to lie, "She's here mom. She's with me."
There was silence, "What do you mean? She's there? Is she alright? Her parents where out looking everywhere, so were your father and I."
I groaned, this was gonna be a long day, "We went somewhere and she got tired. It was already too late to go anywhere."
"Oh honey, thank the lord. You know her mother, I've never seen her react that way when Jake told her. She was so angry she wanted to press charges."
"Excuse me? Press charges? Against whom?"
"Don't worry, I knew where she was and I told Darla that but I haven't seen that look on any mother. It was scary honey. We wanted to find her. Actually, we called you a couple times. Why didn't you answer us?"
Uhoh, I hated when she used that voice, "I didn't kidnap her mom. She's asleep now. That's all. She's not hurt. Nothing happened last night."
Except the night terror murders. "Honey, is something else going on? Because Jake also told us--"
"Why did Jake tell you now?" My voice was on the edge.
"Josh, I don't believe him but he's been saying that you drive that poor girl to be more depressed. And you're forcing her to do things against her will. Now I know this is not true but her parents are believing it."
Oh no, "Mom, you believe me right? Jake doesn't know anything. Mariah's sleeping now, nothing else is going on. I didn't force her to do anything. She can handle herself fine actually."
My mother laughed, "That's what Peter told me. But honey, they tell me she's, well, you know I think she's a nice girl, but don't get too close. Her mother mentioned what happened the first time she tried to harm herself."
"What happened to her?" I really wanted to know.
"Its not really my place but Darla told me about the times when they saw her cutting at her wrists. Oo, honey, as I'm saying it I'm getting a little teary. It was hard for me to listen to but I wanted to help her. They put her in a home for 4 months after they found her unconscious in the bathroom. It was terrible. She's been through so much. Her mother was just crying her eyes out when she told me. Honey, I know I'm not the person to tell you about who to trust but be careful."
Funny how she's reading my thoughts. But she's right as always, there's so much left out.
"OK mom. Where's Tyler?" I wanted to change topics fast.
"Oh, he came back today. He's swimming for the summer but he's here for the break and goes back in a week. He misses you."
"I'm missing everyone over there. But I have some things to get done first. I promised to see you guys soon. I'm not quite settled here yet."
"Are you sure that's it, baby?"
Sometimes mom's are too smart for their own good. "I'll come over soon mom. Don't worry."
"Alright, bye Josh."
I clicked at the same time she did. I was getting serious sick of looking out for myself. I looked around my place, just tired of all this. Tired of being so nice to people. Exhausted of the same faces and phony expressions that are passed my way.
The knock at the door was the last thing I could tolerate. Oh no. I had a strong sense of not moving. But I had a doorbell and a sleeping girl. I couldn't risk it.
After I put the coffee mug down and braced myself for the next shock of my life. I hated this. Just like pulling off a Band-Aid I opened the door quick.
"Josh, I need to tell you something."
Some things just get better and better.
I Need To Walk Away From You by Mariah
Mariah's POV
10 minutes ago I was already awake but laying in bed with my eyes open. I looked at the clock and realized its been about 3 hours or so since I tried to relax. Not much progress going on. Would have been nice to wake up to his face. But he managed to fold his side of the bed which was creepy. How did I not move or wake up?
I felt I was in the hospital again, am I hearing voices again? I know I'm not crazy in that way.
I couldn't recognize the other voice but Josh was the other one, and whispering. Huh? What is this, the fucking CIA? Why is everyone hiding things from me? I felt like mommy and daddy talking about what they're going to do with me. This can't be happening again. I have to erase all these thoughts.
I stretched a little as I got up. I was just wearing my bra so I placed one of Josh's shirts over the exposed skin. I slipped on one of his boxers over my panties. I hope he doesn't mind its sort chilly. Also, I didn't want to seem like a weirdo or like one of those sitcom girlfriends that walk around in practically nothing.
My legs were bare but I didn't care so much. I was happy that I got some sleep. I was still half asleep as I turned the knob and looked up.
No one was there, it didn't feel right.
"Josh? Hello?" I rubbed at my eyes, trying to wake up fully.
I looked around and noticed the coffee was made, a half eaten bowl of cheerios was left out, and things looked out of place. If was like he just walked out and I was behind him.
I walked up and touched the mug. "Hmm, still warm. Where did he go?"
It felt extremely weird asking myself this. I jumped as the front door opened suddenly. "Josh, is that you?"
Why didn't I just ask if the call was coming from inside the house?
"Hey, its me. I thought you were sleeping?" He appeared almost out of thin air.
I hated these games. He was carrying a newspaper in one hand and some mail in the other. It was like looking at The Cleaver Husband. Husband?! Uh...
"I was, just, now I'm not. Where were you?" Please don't lie to me.
I was naïve
Your love was like candy
Artificially sweet
I was deceived by the wrapping
He placed the items down onto the coffee table, kind of avoiding my eyes, "I was just outside. Why? What's wrong?"
Yeah, where do I start? "Nothing, who were you talking to earlier?"
Every bone in his body twitched. Oo, I pushed a button, OK, trust test, let's see if he passes.
Got caught in your web
And I learned how to bleed
I was prey in your bed
And devoured completely
This time, he's looking at me. Hmm, a good actor but its not over yet.
He blinked twice aha! "I told you I was outside. I was getting my mail and the paper. Is something wrong?"
Was it my imagination? I knew he was hiding something just didn't know what. When I find out what, he'll have it.
I smiled, shaking my head for now, "No, just wondering. Maybe I'm hearing things again."
"I made some coffee and there's cereal on the counter. The coffee wakes you up real fast if you drink it straight."
I closed one eye weirdly, "Thanks for that. Did you forget anything?"
And it hurts my soul
Cause I can't let go
All these walls are caving in
I can't stop my suffering
"What do you mean?"
"Like, I don't know, what we talked about last night? Am I making any sense?"
He smacked his forehead with palm, "Oh yeah, we need to have a talk. After um, after we finished breakfast."
Oh no, I'm getting that nervous, hot flash, shitty feeling in the pit of my stomach. I wasn't going to like any of this it was obvious. I've seen this too many times before. Usually its the girls saying the talk speech. Saying you need to have a talk was never a good inkling. I wanted to get outta there before anything happened. For my sake.
My patience was dwindling. I couldn't wait until I finished eating. I couldn't eat anything if I knew my life was going to change. I had to know and it had to be now.
But, me being me, it was calmly left on the back burner. When will I ever stand up for myself?
I hate to show that I've lost control
Cause I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need to walk away from
I just nodded, and went back to the kitchen. I really couldn't eat anything but I knew I had to. I had to force myself. It was my only distraction from pulling my hair out from this suspense.
I poured a half bowl of cereal and followed with the milk. I didn't want to eat too much, but I also didn't want him to wonder why I'm not eating enough. It's sad that it has to be like that. Hiding myself. Trusting him with my heart. My everything. This was a new low for me. One that I could never live down.
It me took forever to finish, probably because I was counting the seconds. Going outta my mind in this crazy world.
OK, here I was, placing the empty bowl and spoon into the sink, taking a deep breath. I gasped when his arms came around me, kissing at my neck. I was little uncomfortable now. Frankly, not just believe I know he lied, but the look in his eyes almost told my worst fear. I prayed it wasn't so soon.
"Hey, I need to tell you something?" He took my hand and led me to the couch as we both sat down in unison.
I tried my best to compose a calm attitude but this was it. What is he keeping from me?
He folded his hands, keeping his distance, to that I was grateful. "Uh, about what I said last night. I meant it, I really did... but, I have my life to think about. And so do you. I don't want this to come off as I'm a prick."
"I don't know any other way to see it." Yes, my fears were answered.
I need to get away from ya
I need to walk away from ya
Get away, walk away, walk away
I was shooting darts with my eyes and there was no way I was going to be deterred this time.
He held up his hand. What else was there left to say? Its over, right? "Please, I wasn't finished. I didn't forget about the things we did, or said to each other. I can't forget, but there's a lot riding on this. My life alone held some promise, I just, I can't say what I'm trying to tell you without sounding like an asshole."
That’s when I stood up and ran to the bathroom, barricading the rest of my emotions there. My back against the door as I slumped down the ground, ignoring the bit a pain I felt as I hit the ground with an impact.
I whispered through tears, "Too late."
Josh's POV
What did I expect? She'd be happy its over? But I had too. My life was too, I don't know, I just had to save what was left of it. But what's the big deal about it anyway? Could I take it back? Stop loving her? Its not going to be easy. I have to take her back. For both of us, it has to end.
She has another chance to make things right and I would just be in the way. There wouldn't be any threats, anyone on my ass. It has to be this way, its hurting me to just admit that. I know it has to start with me, because I'm a little old. She still has time. She's younger and has time to live her life that doesn't have me in it.
"Why?!" I heard a scream from the bathroom.
Probably the most painful scream ever and all I could do is stand firm. My life needs to go on. A life that doesn't include her. I just can't do this. Live like this. On the run. It isn't like I haven't thought this through. And if I slept on it, I'd be lying. Just like I lied about Bobby before. I wasn't sure if she suspected anything but I couldn't tell her about Bobby. Bobby was my business.
I lied enough already but I can't lie about promising her a safe life. She has to build her own. But she has no one, how was my leaving going to solve anything? I can't be her friend, I just can't be present for her all day. I have to make this decision.
Was Bobby the deciding factor? I wanna say no but every time I see her, I'm reminded of the good times we did share, regardless of what she did. We were happy, we were close. We weren't opposites. Bobby knew me. I know you probably think I'm a moron for trusting her again, maybe I am, I needed to trust someone.
Did I really love her? I honestly don't know anymore. I care for her. But I can't have these strong feelings.
I lifted myself up and walked to the door, caressing it as it were her body. Uh, distractions, no, she needs to know why.
"Mariah, I don't know why. For now, I just can't be the one who saves you now. I'm sorry."
"No you're not. Everything you said was a lie. I don't wanna be here anymore."
"What are you saying? Don't do anything."
I heard noises and movements through the door, "I don't think what I do really matters to you. Give me the phone, Josh. Leave it at the bottom."
"Mariah, please, I had to. I had to do this for us."
"There is nothing left. Leave the phone and go." The tone scared me and made me very stiff in the jaw.
But I couldn't let her go. I pinched my temple and went over and grabbed the cordless. If I handed her this, it would all really end.
I bent and left the phone at the bottom as she wanted. But this was not what she wanted. She's only doing this because of me. Because of my selfishness. Guess she didn't mean all that much to me.
She opened the door only to take the cordless. The rest of it was quiet as I heard her dial a number. What came out of her mouth made the tears just fall to the ground.
"Jake, hi, is mom there? Yeah, no I'm fine. Can one of you guys come and get me? Josh's. No, I'm fine. Nothing happened. Don't worry about it. Please. OK, 10 minutes? Alright... bye." And she clicked it off.
She flung open the door and skated right passed me. Didn't look or acknowledge I was there. I followed right behind her into my room as she was changing out of my clothes and back to hers. I didn't want to leave it like this.
But how was I going to repair this? All I could do was watch. Watch and do nothing to stop her. It was too late to fix this. I said what I said.
"Don't look at me like it was my choice. We can't trust each other anyway. You just did me a favor. I should be thanking you."
"I never wanted to hurt you. It would be a lot of worse if we somehow worked this out." Did I just say that?
"You're probably right. I'd rather be alone and be hurt by someone like you." Ouch, no one but me to blame.
"I'm sorry, things have to be like this."
She stopped what she was doing and looked pointedly at me, "Nothing has to be anything. You play me like a fool and end up like everyone else in my life. Why did I ever think that you were going to change my mind? The things I said, just they're nothing now. I'm nothing to you. I'm going to be OK now."
She rounded the corner and that's when I grew a pair and stopped her. It was something. "We don't have to do this. We can talk about it. I can't let you leave like this."
She was crying now, I was crying, damn, why was so fucked?
"Talk? What for?" Who knew that was that last thing she would say to me.
Mariah’s POV
October 22, 2000
Well, the last time I left you I was crying and helpless; but now, well, things have changed. I went back to Houston, back to our family farm and just stayed there for a while with my aunt Dina. For someone being on my mom's side, she's not the shrew I thought she was.
A year. In just one year I've grown a lot. You're probably saying what? But its just by myself. My own life. I'm grateful that I have a friend in Dina, I was beginning to feel like I always feel around a family member.
The farm was quaint, quiet, kind of dull, but I would get up really early and feed the animals and clean the same things. Houston was just a big greenhouse. I almost forget about the heat. But the night life was a lot cooler. The October wind just breezed past us as we mostly sat on the outside patio to eat or just relax. It was freedom. It was either this or the asylum. I mean, come on, what life would you have picked?
Sometimes at night I would count up the stars again. Just for fun. Bring my little game back. The only game I could win. I could curl up in this old rickety rocking chair with a blanket and just close my eyes. I wouldn't think of anything else, I would just meditate.
It's easier to meditate when people are not up in your ass all the time. Its been a lot more better this way. I felt secure, in Houston, pretty much everyone cares about you even if you don't need it. I would get Dina's neighbors coming over, bringing us food and stopping by a a quick chat. But they ended up staying hours afterward. It makes giggle how everyone thinks they're at home when they go anywhere here. Its the southern thing a guess.
Now, the skies were in-between the day and night. The sun was about to set and I made sure to catch it everyday. It was my only peace. There were flecks of pink, purple, and yellow as the massive circular heat began to drop before my eyes. It was breathtaking. I could breathe easy. Relish in the feeling.
I took a long sip of my hot cup of earl gray and leaned back into the rocking chair. I heard cracks as I did so. Every time I did that, I wanted to know if I could lean back further, I just wanted to test how far I could go. Yes, I'm weird. I guess Jeannie rubbed off on me. I smiled at the thought of her. I thumbed a circle around the rim of the mug. I felt the steam rise up like a sauna in my cup.
I usually just stay out here as long as I want. Its the greatest. Almost like I was on vacation. I didn't have to sign up for school or finish up my units. I didn't have to worry much. I was really going to start a new life. It was exciting to me. It wasn't complete and total freedom, at least this time I didn't have dragons breathing down my neck. That, to me, was paradise in and of it's own.
Every so often I'd think of him, I'd have to admit it. I hated it. Yes I would, and every time I would even for a second I'm reminded of those times. Not the good ones. There were so few of them. The nightmares, the visions, the fact that it he who didn't want us to be anything. But the more I think about this, my head starts to hurt and that's the last thing I need right now.
Dina was on the phone talking to the same person for an hour now. It was like a daily thing for her. She always had long conversations with just about anyone. She's one those people pleasers. Sometimes that gets you in trouble. But she wasn't always a push over. Which was good. I liked the subtle balance of some sanity. She was strict but not like her sister, my mom. She knows about what happened and everything so she doesn't want to make me mad so easily. Well, she hasn't made me mad yet. There's always time.
She's a person that spends more time with herself than anything else. You'd think someone would red hair would be all fiery and blunt but her personality is neutral. Kind of unassuming, but hardly aggressive. It was confusing but acceptable at the same time.
I normally don't come outside to think, just today of all days, its was a year since it happened. More like 2 weeks away from that exact day. The memory of his face, the way the scene played out, too painful, but still burns away at me. More than anything else that ever affected me.
I want to just forget. Not wish everything were different and I was living in a fantasy world. When you put your mind inside a bubble, it gets harder to claw your way out. Is it so bad to want a better life? It's like I'm being punished for nothing.
As much as Dina likes to try, she'll never understand me. She'll listen, but that's not enough. She wasn't there. She didn't feel what I was feeling. She wasn't balling her eyes out at a chance of true happiness. She could never understand me. But it was nice to know someone tried.
Just as Dina hung up the phone, I started to get up. I stretched a little bit, regaining some feeling back in my feet, they were kind of sleeping. I hate when that happens. Felt like I was standing on my knees for a second. I picked up my belongings and walked over to the kitchen sink, dumping the tea, and setting the mug on the side after I rinsed it.
"Hey, Mariah. How was it?"
She always asks this when she misses the sunset.
I shrugging, feeling indifferent, "Just like it always is. Who was that, Martha?"
Dina ran her fingers threw her curly red hair and sat on a stool, "Actually, that was your mom. She told me that she might come over here to see how you are."
I rolled my eyes, taking a seat next her, "Dina, you realize that she can never let me go? Am I not making any sense when I say that I'm fine without them? Why can't she just leave me alone?"
Dina took my hand on the table and took a deep breath, "She's always been the difficult one. Sometimes I think that you and I are the only ones that get it. But I don't know. She is your mom. But as a sister, she's annoying as hell. She used to do this a lot with your grandfather every time I would sneak out with my friends. She was always the one that got me in trouble."
"Its a semi-different situation with me but I see your point. You know, one day, I'll just up and leave. But being here has been better than putting up with all the shit there." I pulled my hand away and cracked my knuckles.
"Well, I'm glad. You can always stay with me as long as you want."
"Don't you mean as long as she wants?" I knew better.
Dina shook her vehemently, "No, she won’t do that. I spoke with her about that and we made an agreement on some things. She trusts me with you until you find your own place. I promise you, she won't interfere. Things are getting better. Just be happy she didn't bring up Joshua."
Uh no, not this again. "I'm grateful for that. But I don't care anyway. It would only effect me if he was still a part of my life."
Dina titled her head slightly, "Isn't he?"
I pleaded the 5th…
Josh's POV
Another day, another dollar. LA was the wrong place to be. Its not like I'm just realizing it. Just venting my frustrations for the rainy day. Only it wasn't raining. It was around 8:34pm and it still feels like spring. I'm finally getting used to working on a daily basis. It was a slow, gradual process, but I managed.
My next deadline took a lot outta me and I decided it was time to take a breather on the roof. I still go up there, but its dangerous at times. I did kept her outta my mind for one year, a year. I was good. I did OK. Truthfully, I did the best I could with what I had. And it was my doing. I didn't, I couldn't keep her.
"Damn it! I've been over this so many times. Why is this still such a big deal?" How many times do I have to ask myself that?
Because it is. Because no matter what I do, how many women I pretend to move on with, she ruined me. I hated it. I hated that I'm still in love with her. But I couldn't be there for her then and I can't be there now. There was way too much on my plate. I've been so good up until now. Just putting her from my memory. Erasing every kiss, every time I touched her. The conversations we had about practically nothing.
Here I am, once again, fantasizing about a girl I barely knew. A girl that possible doesn't remember me or anything else about last year. She's forgotten this, I know it. If she's already "moved on" why can't I? I've turned into one of those LA players. I'm using everyone around me for personal gain. But it has to be this way. No matter how I felt. How I still feel.
This is so fucking annoying. Every time I do this, my head just gets so filled with shit all I wanna do now is scream. But it was me who ended all of it.
Ugh, back to work. I need to focus on my life now.
I got up and checked my messages. When I work at home, everyone at the building likes to bother me. But I preferred it to being in a cubicle all day. I normally had to work about half the day so I wasn't really consumed with it like most people in my position. It was actually fun again. I missed writing and producing TV spots and commercial jingles. OK, the last part, maybe not so much but I did miss most of my work. Since I cleared all my deadlines for now, I was left with me for the rest of the day.
I forgot if I had any plans tonight. Suppose I could catch Jeff over at Rave. I'd like to say its a bar but its sort of turning into a strip club now. I've been having a lot of those weird nights lately. I don't remember going home with anyone, that I know of.
Damn it, my life really sucks. The story continues and there's nothing for me here. I always said just because I'm raised here, doesn't mean I belong. I should just get out. Anything but being cooped up with nothing to do. OK, I know what to do.
After I check my messages, I'll just do whatever. I didn't give a shit.
I pushed the red button, pulled another beer out of the fridge, and sat back down on my beany chair.
BEEP...
"Hey, Josh, its Lorraine. Tommy wants me to tell you that there's a mandatory meeting this Friday at 2:30pm, so that means everyone has to be there. See you there, don't forget."
I pointed to the machine, "Never do."
BEEP...
"Hey, don't forget about tonight bro. Call me on the cell or just come back at Rave tonight ok? Later."
"Whatever. Fuck you guys." I downed the rest of the beer in one chug.
BEEP...
"Do yourself a favor and get over yourself. You know what you want. You know where you're lucky here. There's work in Houston, if that's what it takes. Quit being the asshole we know you are and get your ass over here. Give me a call as soon as you get this Josh." A woman's unfamiliar voice spoke.
BEEP -- END OF MESSAGES...
My mind screamed. Who the hell is that? I rushed over, saving the message, and played it back once again. Shit. I checked the caller ID and wrote down what I saw.
Houston? "What could there be in Houston that I would want?"
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.
