Mariah's POV

The next day started off kind of slow but I knew there were things to do. I just had to find them. It was a lot easier to kill time back home than in the city. I hated the city, and the people didn't make it any better.

I decided to busy myself with cleaning up. I felt like I was at work again. Just cleaning to past the time. But I like cleaning. Its one of those things that brings peace. If only for a moment. I feel peaceful here. It was fun. Just starting over from the beginning. Building a new world. It was a little exciting.

Dina always made so much clutter around the house, but unlike her sister, she pitches in to help me clean. I guess she still feels sorry for me. I feel a lot better knowing she cares enough. She hates messes too. But unlike my mom, she doesn’t yell at me to pick it up.

I grabbed the damp rag out of the bucket and began wiping around the coffee table, careful not to miss a spot. I bent down to wipe the inside of the table and picked up the fallen unorganized magazines. I was annoyed a little that Dina reads the tabloids. Or rather not so much reads as looks at the pictures and gossip columns. Sometimes I check it out to but its mostly a huge waste of time. Takes a lot of brain cells away. When you're over the age of 20, 50,000 brain cells die anyway. Might as well waste them the au natural way than willingly. I placed the magazines where the piano books were. They were stuffed away but at least they weren't on the floor.

I picked up the bundle of books from the corner of the table and placed them in the cabinet next to all the other novels. I've been doing a lot of reading and I tend to leave a lot of books laying around the place. Sometimes I just leave it next to my night stand as I read myself to sleep. The best time to read is preferably at night. It helps me sleep better. As I drift off, I'm reminded of the pictures and words. Sometimes they feel so real I get distracted from the world around me. At times, it feels as if I'm in some kind of wonderland.

I've been a princess, a pirate, a wicca, a secret agent, and a theater star on Broadway. Dreams are the best way to recycle old thoughts to bring out new ideas. I don't think they mean anything like everyone says. But, who knows really? Anything could happen after the turn of the century. I forget that the 90s are capute. It seems like it was just yesterday.

The day was speeding up so far. I always found something to do. You make your own fun in Houston. Dina's dog was howling at me like she wanted to go outside. I think its a crime if someone in the south didn't own a hound. Maggie was only four and looked pretty tough but such a sweetheart. She could protect anyone. She reminds me of one of those dogs they give to special kids to cheer them up. I opened the screen door for her and closed it behind me.

The phone rang and I ran around toward the kitchen to pick it up, "Hello?"

"Honey, its me." Why can't she let me grow up?

"Yeah, hi."

"Come on, honey. I don't see you as much anymore."

"Why? You don't have anyone else to control there? I don't wanna talk to you right now."

I knew I should have checked Caller ID first. Fuck, I was distracted.

I heard her take a long sigh. What, she can dish the shit out but she can't take it?

"Please don't be difficult. When are you going to learn that you don't know everything yet for your age? Why won't you listen to me?"

How many times must I kill my brain over this horse shit? "I'll start listening when you let me make my own choices and mistakes. Its not your life here. I'm 23 now. Treat me like an adult for once."

"Honey, I know you're being difficult because of your illness. You have to remember to take your medicine everyday or it gets worse for you."

"Mom, you make me this way. Everyone thinks so because its true. Dina knows who you really are. You aren't going to control me anymore. Leave me the fuck alone you bitch!" I slammed the phone down on the receiver with a rage I didn't want to reveal.

God. Every time she calls I just wanna break things. Scream out loud and just vent. Because I know that no one hears me. Not even Dina. She's OK though. Better than that mess of a sister. I just want out of this craziness. I thought I was going to be fine until she calls pretending to be a mother. She's a piece a shit is what she is.

I needed to just get away or somewhere. Like drive somewhere. Like a bar or something. Oh yeah, great plan, a: get smashed and not remember yesterday with a splitting fucking headache, b: wake up with someone who won't give two shits about me or my name and probably won't remember it. Or c: have the time of my life and not care what anyone thinks along with a & b.

Did I really want to? Yeah, I've been here a long time. A few hours of drinking won't be so bad. As long as I can hold it.

I checked out what I had on now and did the ew face. I wasn't going to get any "on the houses" looking like this. I ran over to my room and shrugged. I never had anything that would give off the impression that I was a slut who was asking for it. But I know Dina did. She was kind of like her sister in that way. But she rarely wore that stuff. Especially now with her work scheduale.

I smiled, ran across to Dina's closet and opened it. I bite my lip and began my search. She had a lot of black things, you'd think there'd be a funeral every week. I know there had to be something skimpy here. But black could pass as sexy. I was looking in the front and so far all I saw were plain cocktail dresses from the 80s. Not a chance.

Then a saw something that just popped out from the rest. It was kind of stuffed in the back of the closet. I think she hasn't been in the back for a while.

"Hey, Mariah? Where are you?" I heard behind me and scurried out of the closet as quickly as I could.

I acted like I was fixing stuff until she came in. I was "folding" her sweaters that were on the floor when she stepped in front of me.

I put everything away, and tried to act like I wasn't out of breath, "Hey, what's going on?"

She raised her eyebrow and folded her arms across her chest, "What are you doing?"

I smiled, "Oh, heh, I got bored and decided to clean up a little bit. What's up?"

She gave me the eye but continued, "OK, well, I'm going out for the night. Just wanna let you know that someone's going to come tonight, but I won't be here to let them inside the house. Can do you do me a favor and stick around for while? I'll be out until 11pm tonight."

Well, this one's hard: no hangover, no STDs, being coherent and clear for the night. "Uh, sure, alright. Do you know who it is?"

She waved the question off, "Just a family friend. Sort of a surprise. Don't worry, its not your mom or anything."

I sighed and placed my weight on my foot. "What's the big deal? Why won't you tell me?"

Dina shockingly gave me a hug. I hugged back a little confused. She pulled back and revealed a thin smile.

"Don't worry. Can you do me this one favor and I won't ask you for anything else in a long time? I can't promise forever, that's dangerous." She giggled.

I joined her and jammed my hands into my jean pockets. "OK, I surely hope for the love of everything that is holy that its not her."

She chucked my chin a little, "It's not. She and your father are at the Chasezs now. So it can't be her. I thought I told you that."

"When is whoever is coming going be here?" That sounded so weird as I said it.

"Around 9pm or so." Dina checked her watch, "Oh, I have about ten minutes left. I gotta go get ready."

Dina turned to her closet and immediately pulled out an outfit she'd laid out. I gestured to the ensemble. "That's really pretty."

I backed up out the way to give her some space. "Thanks honey. I'll be finished in a minute."

She went to the bathroom to go change and literally came out within 30 seconds. She was usually like this when she's running late anywhere. Kind of like her sister. Though, she's more on time than her sister.

Its amazing, when she emerged, she looked like a model in no time. I wondered what was really going on.

She ran over to the dresser and slipped on a necklace. She didn't really use so much accessories. She kind of reminded of a European Princess, only missing the crown as the cherry on top. Like Audrey Hepburn in Roman Holiday. She was missing that white bonnet.

I was so into these thoughts I didn't feel her kiss me on the cheek or see her wave bye to me. I caught up to her as she came close to the door, opening it so it was ajar.

She turned around, "See you later tonight. Remember what I said, OK?"

I rolled my eyes agreeing. I kind of just wanted her to leave so I could see who the hell's coming over. She left and closed the door.

OK, I'm not going to lie here, I was fucking nervous. I checked the clock over on the microwave. Damn. I had 2 minutes looks like. Unless this was fast. I remember I set this one on time with the cable box so its right on the dot. I stomped my foot and starting biting my unbitten nails. Damn, I kept these unbitten for at least 3 months now.

I heard Dina's car pull of out the garage and speed out with a screech of the tires as the doppler effect ceased.

Damn, this suspense was a little unsettling. What could she be hiding? I plopped onto the gray cushy loveseat and tried to calm down.

Two knocks on the door buzzed my senses. I looked at it and felt afraid.

Should I get up?

Josh's POV

I looked around the house. I was so sure of this and I couldn't back out now. I have to confront my demons. Not that she was a demon. Ugh, I can't settle this now. I just have to be brave.

I knocked again. Not giving up. She doesn't know its me and that's a good thing. Does she remember anything? Does she remember us?

"Hold on, one second." She spoke.

She's real. I started sweating a little. She still doesn't know its me. Oh god. Oh god.

It was as if everything was slowed down as she opened the door. This is such a familiar movie. I gaped a little but closed my mouth to make sure I wasn't drooling.

She was... I couldn't say how I felt at that moment. I said the first thing I thought of.

"Hey." Shit, way to go asshole. Way to make a great impression with a grumble.

She licked her lips looking slightly confused. I would be too but I knew why I was here. A year was too long, too tiring. I was on a mission. I took the first step and promised myself I'm not fucking around this time.

Mariah's eyes narrowed on me and than she started laughing a little. "This is a joke. Dina said someone she knew was coming here."

I nodded, "Yeah, that was me. She must have kept it a secret because I just rushed here from LAX."

She held up her hand , "Why? Now? What are you doing here?"

I licked my lips, trying to get the words out, "I've been doing a lot of thinking. More thinking than anything."

"That's why you came here Josh? To tell me you were thinking? Well, news flash, I was done thinking last year."

I stepped closer to her, "You don't mean that. I was the one who fucked it up. I handled it badly. I get it now. I here and I can't let you go."

She looked at me for a long time before she said something. I couldn't tell anything by the look in her eyes. I was so scared she could say no and this was going to get harder than anything else.

She looked down and her eyes trailed up to meet mine, "I don't know why I'm doing this, but try not ruin everything by being an asshole."

She left the door open. I stepped in and closed the door behind me. I prayed for a miracle and remembered to breathe. 

Mariah's POV

We sat on the outside patio. The sun had already set thank god. I would have said forget it right there. Seems silly but after what he's put me through the past year, I wouldn't give him any chances. But here I was, opening my door so freely. I knew why I just hated the reason.

But why did he come back? Why now? I was going to confront Dina later after I get my answers.

"What is this all about, Josh? What did you come here to tell me?" I had no idea what the fuck was going on but I was gonna find out.

He fidgeted in the chair, almost like he had something deep on his mind, "None of this has been easy for me. I didn't know I could just up and come here until Dina called me. I had to sleep on it so this morning I took an early flight here."

"That's a nice story. Still doesn't answer my question."

"Come on, I'm trying here. I made an effort. The effort I should have made last year. But I didn't really know what I was losing then."

"Josh, I'm a different person now. You coming here will only distract my chances at building a new life. Isn't that what we both wanted?"

"It used to be, but I wasn't thinking then. You have to believe me. I know what I want and I won't be the crazy guy I was to let it go again."

This is ludicrous. He was talking about soul mates and shit that's out of reach. We met at a hospital, fucked a couple times, said some things we shouldn't have, and he left. That's where the story should end. It wasn't meant to be. Which was it. I didn't want to deal with this drama again. Its enough that Dina was trying to fuck with me, why this? I didn't want to hear why or anything else anymore. It was too played out already. I was finished.

I stood up and cornered him with my eyes, "This is not the way to go. I don't need you coming here, pretending to be all heartbroken for whatever reason and expect me to just go along. I'm sorry Josh, but what you heard, what you thought you heard was just, I can't do this now... I can't trust you with something so personal. We're not in high school anymore, play time's over."

I turned around and marched to the brandy cabinet. I was hardly a drinker but I need something to fizz the darkness rumbling inside me. I pulled out a shot glass and popped open the brandy, pouring it to the rim of the glass. Ugh, I hated this taste. The alcohol was burning all the way down but my head felt a little better.

"Look, I don't wanna fight. I came here to tell you things are going to change. I regret not doing this sooner. But its now or never. I want you in my life. For real this time. I'm not playing games. And you can't tell me that nothing you were going through was real. Come on, I know you better than this. I know these are just words, and I've said them before, but this time I'm not kidding around."

My eyes opened, but I didn't dare turn around. "What's different now? How will know I can trust you?"

I didn't know why I was feeding into this but a lot of this stuff had been unanswered for a while. I felt curious.

His hands cupped my shoulders. "I'm going to prove it to you this time. I know things could be better if you can give me a chance. I know now, I know how I've hurt you and I couldn't live with that. I'm willing to make it up to you if you let me."

I closed my eyes than opened them as I took his hands off me, "Please don't promise me something that we both know you can't keep."

"You don't know that. I'm not messing with your mind here. Its serious and I had to come here to prove it to."

I turned around, leaning against the counter, "Josh, all this just sounds too sweet. I can't get pulled into it again. I spent too much time thinking about everything. Now, for you to come here and tell me you've changed. It sounds good on paper but it’s a little too late for that."

He knelt down to look at my eyes on the ground, "It’s never too late. I hope you see that. Come on, come over here."

I refused, folding my arms again, staying where I was, "Josh, no. Damn it, I feel like I'm training a dog here. Just give up now."

He gave me that annoying look my cousin gives me. I hated that look. I always gave in after he would do that. And it happened again.

I shook my head not knowing what I was getting myself into. He took my hand and we sat on the couch. Its been a while seen I've done this in a calm way I'd have to admit. I guess this was it. I could have said something before to stop this but I hadn't yet. Maybe part of me wanted to hear him out. Part of me still loved him regardless of what he did to me. Why do I do this to myself?

I took a deep breath as he drew circles on the back of my hand with his thumb. He used to do this a lot before. I'm starting to notice it was a pattern.

"So tell me, what's been bothering you? I want to know what I missed from your life." He used that soft tone of his that made my heart melt.

Still finding it hard to believe he cares so much. But maybe its not just him, its everybody else. The image of him closing himself up flashed in front of my eyes and I shook it off like a shiver.

"Well, I've been living here for the past year. I don't have to work or go to school. But I see a therapist twice a week since 3 months ago. I don't know. I don't do very much. Just caught up on rest and relaxing. Dina's here most of the time because she works at home. She had permission to work here because I was staying. She's cool. I mean, she's my mom's sister, but she's not as vicious as my mom. Its easier a little bit. I talk to her sometimes. I assume you did to."

He laughed, "She's the one who called me. I thought it was someone else until I called back. But all she said was to get here and bury this rift we have. I really mean it Mariah. I want to start over. I'm finding it hard enough to move on without you."

"I can't do anything with these easy words. I would like to believe you but it’s all sweet fluff."

"Do you ever just shut up?"

Huh? "Beg the pardon?"

"Aren't you tired of fucking around with this front? You're more closed up than I was last year. Would it be so bad if you gave in for a change?"

I pulled my hand back angrily, "Where do you get off? I'm not closed off. I'm just a lot smarter then I was."

"OK, if you’re not closed off than why are you so mad at me?"

I turned my head. I couldn't let him see me cry. Not giving the pleasure of hurting me again. "I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at myself for loving you all this time."

He inched closer I felt it and turned my head, "Really? I mean, not the mad part, but do you still love me?"

I pushed at his chest, trying not to say yes. "Please, its all about you isn't it?"

He ignored my refusal and pressed his lips on my neck, "No, this is about us. It was always us."

My eyes closed despite myself, "Since when? I was fine here starting my life over."

He pulled away a little, only to touch his forehead to mine, "I was doing the best I could. But I was cold without this. Just give me another chance to prove to you I meant what I said. I'm ready to show you how much I love you."

"You can't just change in a year, Josh. There's too much to consider. I can't just give you another cha--" He interrupted me by placing his finger on my lips.

"Can I say one thing?"

"Don't be overly dramatic, OK?" I didn't wanna be stuck in The Days of Our Lives scene again.

"Promise. Do you wanna go out? Like I don't know, get something to eat?"

"Isn't it late for that?"

He nodded, "I know, but, I didn't eat anything on the plane, and I feel like going out and getting some air."

I sighed and covered my face with my hands, "I guess I could go out. But not like this. Let me change."

He laughed at me, "Don't worry about it. You're fine. We're just getting some food."

"You mean take out?"

"No, we could eat it there. Come on."

I was still reticent but was agreeing to this. I am a little hungry.

"Alright, I just have to let Maggie inside first. If Dina founds out, her dog will have issues."

"Fair enough. I'll meet you at the door." He kissed my hand and pulled his roll-on suitcase next to the couch.

I walked over to the screen, opening the lever and locked it shut when she ran inside. The night sky was so dark it looked like an onyx. I had the feeling something weird will happen. Than again, it is me. And I'm weird. I smiled and shook it off.

Things were OK. But once I trusted him, there's no going back. I was only afraid of that.

"Are you alright? We don't have to go out if you don't feel like it."

I took a deep breath, taking a risk, a big one. But I had to. I needed him now.

"Yeah, I'm good. Let's get out of here."

Josh's POV

The commute to the place was longer than I excepted. Thanks to Mariah's directions, I was off by 20 minutes.I told her it was OK. She gets so mad with herself if she doesn't know the answers. I wanted to pull over and give her some time to clear her head. Maybe there's something she wants to say but she doesn't know how to come out with it.
We got some food but she didn't want to eat it there. It was too loud and crowded. We decided to go back home.

She scared me a little when she jumped up in her seat. But luckily she had a smile on her face.

"Hey, maybe we could go to sawmill. There's this hill overlooking the creek that's been there for a while now and everyone used to up there to, well..." She trailed off.

I looked at her, "To what?"

"Make out." I couldn’t hear her very well but I think I heard right.

"Huh?"

"They go up there to mess around. Its like, have you seen Pleasantville?"

"Yeah, what about it?" I liked where this was going, I was having fun.

"Its like that. Like Lover's Lane or something weird like that. But its quiet there surprisingly. Anyway, do you wanna go? We could have it there."

"Mariah, I promise I won't try anything. There's nothing to worry about. Besides, I already made out with you before so it doesn't matter."

She looked out the window, "Its just been a while. I'd rather not talk about it."

She was growing distant. I didn't blame her. It was going to take a lot to really convince her. I only just got here, who knows what might spark. I hope to god she can believe me this time. I've spent too much time thinking and being skeptical about everything. I hated what I was doing. When I could be here, where I should be. The only reason why she's here is because of me.

I want to be the man who saves her. Its like that Jerry Maguire thing, I can't help but think of those words. When I put her first, I start to fall into place. I'm not being selfish.

I heard a moan as she exhales deeply. It was just like the first time I heard it, only it sounded more relaxed.

"I'm glad you're here JC."

Mariah’s POV

I opened my sandwich taking a big bite off the side. I loved hot sandwiches. I missed how salty they were and the best part was the cheese. I guess I must have made a lot of noise, he started giving me one of those looks. I made the "oops" face and blushed, placing the sandwich down and grabbed a napkin dabbing at my mouth.

"Sorry. I used to eat these all the time growing up here. Almost forgot how good they were." I took a sip of my mountain dew.

He dove into his, just like most guys, talked with his mouth full. It was super cute.

"Yeah, back in DC, we always had these kinds of foods. We even had them for breakfast."

"Liar."

"OK, not always. It was just a quick fix back then. But it was a good time. I had a lot fun in DC."

I assumed, taking another heaping bite, "You were popular?"

Josh took a swing of his cherry coke and wiped his lips with a napkin, "No, well I have some friends. Like a handful of them. Only a couple stuck with me. I wasn't like the guy on campus. What about you?"

I stuck out my tongue and downed the rest of my lemonade, "I despised those girls, are you kidding? I was lucky if anyone knew my name. Usually it was principals. But that's only because I didn't talk."

"Didn't talk?"

"Yeah, I failed most of high school and middle school. People didn't understand me back than. The teachers would say I was distracted and I wouldn't speak in class. Everyone said I had ADD or something. I think it’s a joke. I didn't talk because it was a waste every time I did. That was it." I finished the last of my sub and cleaned up the trash.

I stood up, dumped my trash, and came back next to him on the blanket. "That was really good. Thank you Josh."

He finished his portion right after me, "I'm glad. I forget how simple things can be. I was really worried I was going to get a door slammed in my face earlier."

"You had reason to worry. But I'm just going to say, I'd rather not go too into that. I'm having an OK night so far." I tossed my empty bottle it from where I was sitting into the trash bin.

"Nice shot." He winked.

"Thanks. I was always good at that. But I hated basketball. I wasn't tall or skinny enough."

He situated himself on the blanket and laid his head on his folded arms. "Would have been a sexy sight to see you play ball. Even if you did suck; all that bending down and stuff."

"Yeah, that's appropriate. I'd be like the only midget on the court, people jumping over my head and shit. Very comical."

We had our little giggle fit. I’ll admit, it wasn't one of my best jokes but the visual image of me playing ball was just wrong. Reminded me of the days in junior high when they were picking teams. All the tall and popular girls always passed on me. Ew, not a good memory.

I mimicked his position only I was on my elbows, "Do you think about marriage?"

He smirked, "Not lately. I'm young. My parents were married young; why? Are you thinking about it?"

"I don't think about the good things that come with it. Look at my parents, my dad is a swinger, my mom sees men on the side. Why get married? Why bother when all you really want to do is be miserable?"

"I don't know the answer to that. If I had my choice, not that getting married is a bad idea, wouldn't you just want to be with one person? Marriage can too be heavy."

"How do you know that? Have you been married?"

He refused to look at me. Uh oh, I shouldn't have asked. Maybe this was a bad subject.

I was being a nervous ass now, "So, when do you want to leave? It's getting kind of late."

"I was close to it..." He cleared his throat, back still turned away, "It was a while ago. I was 22 and she was a lot older than me. I don't know, thinking about it again just makes me -- I was so sure of everything until she realized she wasn't ready. She was the first girl I really loved."

Honestly, I couldn't listen to this any longer. Another other reason to add to the list of why marriage fucks up things. I'm safer when I'm by myself.

I stood up slowly, dusting away any dirt or grass on my clothes, "Josh, I-I wanna go back."

He turned around and got up a little too fast, "What? Why?"

I shook my head, picking up the blanket, "No, it’s not what you think. I just think I should get back home. I wanna be back before Dina gets back. What time is it?"

He took the blanket from my hold and placed it into the back of car, "I don't know, close to 11pm I think. When is she coming back?"

"About that time. But she's not home now. I just need to talk to her when she comes back." This was also my only way to not think about marriage and Josh.

"OK, I can stay until she gets back. I don't have a place here anyway." Damn it. I'd forgotten he came here with nothing.

"There's a guest room Dina uses when her friends stay over. I don't think she's drinking tonight so it'll be fine."

He sighed for at least 5 full seconds, "OK, but what if one of her friends comes over? Just a thought."

I climbed into the car and buckled my seatbelt as did he, "Tonight of all times? She was just going to dinner. She doesn't club like most people her age. Besides, hardly anyone stays at the house but us."

He started the car and did a U-Turn out of sawmill. "OK, let me try again, would it be a bad thing if we shared a bed if one of her friends comes and stays?"

"Yes."

"OK, I get that it'll be weird but why are you snapping at me?" He's right, I was.

I have good reason to. But I won't talk about this anymore.

"We have a couch, Josh. Don't worry, you won't be desolate.”

"I'm missing something here. What did I say to make you this mad at me now?"

I switched on the radio, turning the volume to the medium level. "I'm not mad. Just can you leave this alone?"

He switched off the radio, "You are and if you don't want to tell me, I'm not going to force you. I can't play this silent game with you much longer. I won't even talk to you tonight."

"Good. I'm not playing a game. Nothing is wrong with me. The problem with you is you always think I'm mad at something and I'm sick of it." I switched the radio back on, this time turning the dial up higher.

He said nothing. I got him here. Every muscle in his body tightened and I know it was killing him to keep quiet. This is another trust test. Could he be true to his word?

He turned the dial down on the radio, it was kind of loud. He was right, but now that he wasn't talking to me, this was going to be hard for me too.

I smiled, a plan forming. I know what to do, "Pull over now."

I didn't yell it; I said it in a very Eleanor Audley way. With control, precise, and I knew what I wanted. I had an idea for a true test. I just had to vent this frustration some way. This was the only way.

Josh's POV

I don't know why I did it, but I listened to her and kept my mouth sewed shut. As soon as I pulled over to the side and turned off the engine, I barely got a chance to look at her as she reached for my pants, zipping it down, and pulled out my hard cock.

God damn it. She pumped me a couple of times before she took me in her mouth, sucking me like nothing else mattered. Shit, how was I going to keep quiet without enjoying this? Maybe she was testing me because she knows I won't talk to her. Damn her mouth. Fuck, little moans escaped my lips, and I knew I was going to crack soon. She took me in again, this time even deeper than before, sucking and licking on the tip. She was kissing all around and up and down until she deep throated once again. Man, this was, I couldn't describe the feeling.

Did she know how good she was? Neither of us was saying anything and it was just great, only I wanted to tell her how great this feels and she knew exactly how to do it. Just when I wanted to break my silence, she matched me with something new.

Man, I was dying. She was killing me and I just had to lean back, bite my lip, and moan like crazy.

The build up was already too fucking much. She knew me. She knew this and how to do it. She took me in hard, so deep this time.

OK, she owns me now, "Yeah, oh yeah! Yes."

I came so hard and she took all of it in her mouth, swallowing what I gave. She put everything as she found it away and zipped me up.

I couldn't believe what just happened and the way she was acting.

Oh no you don't! There's no way she's going to fuck around now. I just sat through such an erotic scene and she bails on me? Fuck no.

Well, she's not getting away this time. If she wants it this way, I can compete just as well as her.

She pulled down the mirror, checking herself and very calmly ignoring me. "You talked. You weren't supposed to talk."

"Its a little hard to not say anything with my dick in your mouth. What did you think was gonna happen?" I just wanted to fuck her right there even if she was just playing with me.

"That's not my problem, Josh. You said you wouldn't talk and then you lied. I just don't know about you anymore."

Oh man, I was so angry as I could do was stare at her body, how she moved, just teasing me. I fucking hated it but it made my dick stand up again.

"You're not getting away with this. There's no way you could do this to me and just act like a fucking tease. No fucking way."

"Josh, get over yourself. I didn't do it to tease you. I didn't do it for you. I did it for me."

Another lie, she blinked, "Than, why'd you swallow my cum?"

"Fuck you. I didn't do that."

"Uh, yeah ya did. You're fucking liar yourself and you need to get what's coming for you. As soon as we get back; you'll pay, I swear."

She giggled and closed the mirror, finally looking at me with a playful grin, "Baby, don't swear. Whatever you say, I don't believe anymore."

"Whatever honey, just wait and you'll get what I'm about to give you." I turned on the engine and pulled back into the road, speeding at high speeds.

Thank god the place was so close. I don't know how much longer I could hold out on this. Everything I could think of I was going to do to her. But I didn't want it do it in the car. I wanted to remember this. I had to wait until I got there.

"You'll talk Josh. You won't do anything to me. You're such a liar and a fucking idiot sometimes. Fucking hot idiot, but yeah, still a moron."

"Just wait, princess. I mean it.”

I was going so fast I almost couldn't concentrate but I had her on my mind. She thinks she's so clever. That's what she thinks. She's be begging me at the end of all this.

We were there, I made it. I did everything at rapid speed but she got out before I could get the chance to grab her.

"Looks like you're gonna have to catch me first." She blew me a kiss and slammed the door, running into the house.

You bet your sweet ass I was hot on her trail.

Mariah's POV

When I opened the door I rushed inside to my room, trying to find a hiding spot. I hid inside the closet and closed the door.

"I'm gonna get you." He was inside now but I wasn't scared.

I opened the door and ran over to the bathroom. I had a feeling he was gonna find me soon so I changed places. It didn't last long. He caught me before I could go inside.

"Ha, Josh, no." I ran around to the other side and hid behind the door, hoping he didn't see.

"Gee, I wonder were the little princess is. Could she be... here." I peeked a little as he checked under the bed and got.

I hid fast so he wouldn't see. Damn, this is the worst hiding spot ever. I had to move or I'll lose this game. I hated losing.

Damn it, he stepped next to the door. No! I was trapped.

"Is she here?" He pulled open the door and grabbed me.

"Not far, I didn't have a head start."

"You had enough head in the car princess." He kissed a line on my neck.

"Not the same thing, Josh. Hey, come on, you barely gave me a chance to hide."

His grip on me was so tight I was struggling for air. He held my hips down so hard it was like he was gluing me to the ground.

"You did a bad thing before. And I told you that you're not getting away with it." He started unbuttoning my shirt and snaked his hand inside, cupping at one of my breasts.

Something was off. I knew he meant it as a joke but my body and mind weren't playing along. I couldn't allow him to continue, not like this.

Flashes of my dad shook me as I blurted something out, "Josh, no. I can't do this."

He was sucking on my right breast and kissed in between them up to my lips and captured them before he whispered something.

"I need you. I missed how this feels." He kissed my cheek and pulled on my ear with his teeth softly.

My heart wasn't into the game anymore, "No, please. I can't."

He pulled back and look at me with glassy eyes, "What-what's wrong?"

This time I was the one who leaned my forehead against his, "I don't know. I just can't. Something about it is just wrong now."

"Alright, I understand."

His grip on me finally softened. I was grateful. Now I could breath a little better.

"Josh, I just need time. I can't do this again. I still can't trust you." I walked away from him and opened the screen door to let Maggie out.

I forgot about my life here. Distractions, distractions. Not again. He won't last, I have to keep reminding myself that. I felt a chill and covered up my nakedness on top and buttoned my shirt up.

Its 11:30pm and no Dina. Shit, I need to just go to bed now. She's doing this on purpose but she doesn't know him, he'll follow me until I give in. I almost did and I hated that.

I knew he was there I didn't have to turn around. "Josh, I'm going to bed. You should too. In the guest room."

"For whatever I did, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for it to get like this. I only thought we were having fun."

I turned around and walked right passed him toward my room.

I closed the door and leaned up against it. "I almost gave myself. How could I be so stupid?"

There has to be a way to avoid him. I couldn't do this. I couldn't trust him knowing he'll just hurt me again. I could feel it. Pains me to say I felt it in his touches.

The winter here is cold and bitter
Its chilled us to the bone
We haven't seen the sun for weeks
Too long too far from home

I took in a deep breath and cleaned up around my bed. Just clearing a way to walk around. Trying to forget the fact that he was still here and wouldn't leave me alone. I needed time. I wasn't ready for this. I needed to be as far away from this as I can. For the rest of the night.

I just needed to be by myself. I couldn't have him staying here, reminding me of the inevitable.

I feel just like I'm sinking
And I claw for solid ground
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low

I looked around my room and closed my eyes. I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open even a little bit. I could hardly think. My mind was so tried of the screaming and vicious taunting all I wanted to was drown myself now. But I couldn't. Don't ask me why. I'm all talk when it comes to complete suicide.

Oh darkness I feel like letting go
If all of the strength and all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I can love you much better than this

I heard a knock on the door and looked over at it. I saw a piece of paper being pushed underneath the door.

"Please read it. Goodnight, Mariah."

I hesitated for a second. But I was curious. I walked over and quickly grabbed the letter and placed it on my night stand. I walked away to the bathroom and started brushing my teeth. I needed to clean up. I finished, wiped my mouth on the towel and shut off the lights.

Full of grace
My love
So it's better this way, I said
Having seen this place before

I shed my clothes and put on my PJ shorts and tank. The folded letter still laying there for me to take. My fingers were pulling toward it. I knew I had to read it. He must have written it before he came here.

I sighed, walking calmly over to my night stand, sitting on my bed first. I picked up the letter and unfolded the page...

Mariah,

I'm trying to write this just in case I couldn't tell you everything in person. I want everything out in the open. I mean everything. All the lies, all the nightmares, and everything else that you thought I was keeping from you. Mariah, I say this over and over but you have to know this isn't easy for me. Lies and secrets tend to come out eventually in the worst ways. I don't want that to happen to us. I do believe in us trying to rebuild this because it brings me life and the peace I dream of. Let's start with the truth. I love you. I haven't felt this way about anyone else and you can say whatever you want, I know you think I don't mean it, but even a year ago I couldn't stop thinking about you. About us...

I shook the paper, "I can't do anything with those easy words."

Where everything we said and did
Hurts us all the more
Its just that we stayed, too long

I continued on.

About Bobbie. Last year, she came over and asked me about maybe giving us another try. I literally thought, no way. She had hurt me so bad, I was 21 when it happened. Very young and I thought I was going to be with her for a long time. Yes, I did love her. But she didn't love me back, and it isn't fair to bother continuing to love someone who doesn't want you. So I have to say this. I love you. We know that much. I've made plans to stay here for the week because I want to prove to you that I've changed. If by the end of the week, you're still not convinced, I will leave you alone.

That's what is bothering me about this. I'll love you but if you won't love me back, I won't bother or force you to love me in return. I want you to make your own decision. I have to go, they're boarding the plane now. This is what I need to do. Hopefully you will give me chance. I can't wait to see you again. I never forgot your smile.
Love,
Josh

In the same old sickly skin
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low

Leaving? Just one week? I don't know if I can handle this. I can't let this slip away.

Josh's POV

It was just 15 minutes since I left the letter. I figure maybe she didn't read and probably threw it away. I hoped not. If she did, than at least its a start. I was going to give it to her when I saw her, but I forgot. Too tongue-tied on the fact that I actually pulled this off without her knowing. I figure now, at least she has it even if she hasn't read it.

I looked around the guest room. Kind of boring, what guest room isn't? It was decorated like a cheap hotel room, complete with faux paintings of Monet rip offs. But I couldn't complain. I had this overwhelming urge to knock on the door next to me. But this was up to her. I don't want to be the guy forces things to happen.

I noticed there were a lot of books stacked neatly against the corner wall. The bookcase stood like a New York building. Mostly old books that have collected dust over the years. I spotted something interesting. "Putting the Pieces Together, Class of '94". It had to be a yearbook. I was curious to know what she looked like when she was 17.

I walked over and picked out the black bounded book and started flipping through the pages. I assumed she was in the senior section and I checked out the photos.

Still had that smile. There's something about that smile. The corners of my mouth curved up at the sight.

I felt like I was being a little too nosy. I figure when she's ready to show me this stuff, the time will come. I'm really leaving the decision up to her. I'm not fighting to keep her in my life. Least not in that way. She's had enough control in her life, I couldn't add to it. This isn't up to me. I won't pursue her without both of our hearts into this. No matter how I feel. I closed the book and placed it back in it's place.

I shivered at the cold that passed in the room. I went over to the window and shut it softly. Man, it was super cold here. LA would have been even colder, I didn't long for it so much.

There were bigger things on my mind. The girl who's currently shutting me out for night after she blows me. Not figuratively. Strange, I know. It's fucking weird and out of sorts but I noticed a different side of her there. A more freer spirit emerged and she was doing what came natural. OK, I know you're thinking, how could that be natural?

Well, I could just tell it was out of her character and she doesn't come off as the life of the party. This was something she rarely does. Be herself. It's hard to. Especially when people are fucking fickle and you basically have to impress them everyday. Its a battle in itself.

But she doesn't have to. It doesn't matter what they think. I have to let her know that. I was going to do it now.

I got up and left the room. I was careful not to make too much noise. She might be sleeping.

I did the gayest thing ever. I tip-toed like a scared little girl toward her room and when I reached her door I stopped suddenly. I felt a presence and looked behind me.

"Josh, is that you? What are you doing?" A red-headed woman I barely recognized appeared in the hallway.

I stumbled, forgetting my footing, "Nothing, just, just checking on her."

She raised her eyebrow and came toward me, lowering her voice a little, "Did something happen? Why is she alone in there? I told her I would come back in an hour but the movie took longer than I expected."

We walked over to that kitchen and sat down. I had a feeling she was Dina, I was only shocked at first.

The room was so silent. I didn't say anything back right away because I was still searching for the right words. The words I could live with.

I sighed, bringing both my hands to my face and taking them down as I spoke, "I did what I needed to do. We need time. Only I gave her the letter. I'm not sure if she had read it yet, I hope she did. I told her for the week. I'm not forcing anything or making her love me. It's not my place."

Dina's face scrunched together as she took what I said in. "You don't need to make her do anything. People do that all the time. She loved you on her own terms. She's just a beaten girl and she has problems with letting herself trust anyone. She's been a broken girl for a while now and I think its good that you're here."

Was it really? It's still just the first day. I'm alive, I still have my chance.

I smiled, despite the pit in my stomach. The doubt I feel is bunching up. And than, I thought of that smile. How losing that smile could rip me apart at the thought. I didn't want to. I wanted that smile. I had to keep the smile as long as I could.

"There's always tomorrow." I was determined.

Mariah's POV

I slept a long time until I got that feeling where you're suffocating and you're just killing time. I hate that beginning headache you get when you stand up. My eyes were open but I didn't want to get out of bed.

If I did, I knew what I'd have to face. I turned toward the wall and brought the covers over me a little tighter. I knew if I was going to stay in bed all day Dina might call my mom. That's her excuse for getting me up some days. Sometimes she'll come into the room and pull off the covers in one shot, that was the worst of it. One time she actually poured ice cubes on me. Since the covers were barely on, I felt everything. One time it was ice water. Holy shit.

Oh Josh. What am I going to do there? Fighting with myself was getting extremely tiresome. My heart wants this but what my heart wants is a different story. I had to think about a lot of things when it comes to my heart. Since I was bruised last year, I never gave myself a chance to forget what he did. But holding this against him can only work so long. He was leaving this Saturday. I don't have much time left.

This is like that scene in Buffy where Buffy has to decide if she should kill Angel after he changes from evil to good again. Does Josh have a soul? Would I be as stupid as Buffy was? Well, her situation was different a little bit. I'm not a slayer but I do own a mace can. And I don't have the "save the world" name tag on me 24/7.

This was it? What was left for me? The chance at unexpected pain, or following my destiny?

I have thought about this only a short time. Every time I had, I would get confused and let myself go; which is rare for me. I was never the girl who anyone thought of a confident or the ring leader guy's fantasies. Don't know if I'm supposed to be used to it, I guess I am.

I fixed the covers a little so they were over me in a neat way. I folded my sheets in. But when I sleep and wake up the next day, I always have out apparently I move around so much that the covers are somehow all the way on the bottom and everything comes out of its place. Plus, I talk in my sleep which is bad. I bet if I had a sister, she wouldn't stay in the same room because of the talking.

I sighed rolling on my right side, facing the front door. It was just like I'd left it. No one came to wake me. None of this sounded normal. I wasn't even sure if Josh or Dina were still here. Maybe they went somewhere. This totally sucks. What is he was still here?

I guess that means I'm alone. Shit. I heard the phone ring and pushed the covers off me. I didn't need this. Its one of those things where you're forced to answer because of the pestering ringing. It was my cell, it was Dina's old school phone and it was super big and bleeding from the ears loud.

The ringing didn't desist. I groaned and pulled myself out of bed quickly and ran to Dina's room. It was a pain but I made it. I picked up the receiver, "Hello?"

Ew, I sounded like Kathleen Turner in the morning. I tried to shake the tired out of me best I could. Man voice and all.

"Hey, Mariah? Did I just wake you?" Ugh, not the other half of my living nightmare.

"Actually yeah, Dad. Is this important?"

He sighed on the other end, "No, I'm just checking on you. You're mother and I are still worried. But Dina says you're doing OK there." Oh hells no, I'm not falling for that.

"Dad, I have things to do today and I did need a pep take every time you guys call. Its OK to let me grow up. Can you do that?"

I had no idea why I was asking. Wishful thinking.

"I just worry honey. You know you're a lose cannon. I'm not saying that to make you mad at me. I mean the problems in your life. Now, I'm not pushing you to do anything you don't want to do, just, can you listen to us? We know what we're saying and it difficult to help you when you ignore what we say?"

I couldn't believe him. I almost felt he had changed. "Please, I won't listen to you of all people say that my problems are bigger than yours. You and mom are not the ones to give advice."

I hung up on my father with a seething surge. No matter how much I wish for things to be different. My life is and remains the same. The vicious cycle that never desists.

I made my way back to my room. The angriness still dripping from me. I just wanted to break something and fucking punch the wall. Maybe I should. Sick of thinking of it.

"Are you OK?" I jump at the sound of his voice.

I could feel him. I should have known. I covered my body with my hands, blushing in frustration but not letting him see it.

"What do you want?"

"I heard you scream. I just wanted to make sure." I had to struggle to hear him, damn his ass.

I hated him this way. So soft and too promising. I liked him better when he wasn't. When he was gone. The way things were before. I didn't have to consider so much all at once. Josh was just a figment. I didn't dream of his face. There was no sign in sight of his return. It wasn't the hell I feel now. I didn't want to be here.

I gulped, my throat hurting as I did so. Just getting through this moment and the ones that follow. It hurt me to breathe. Not knowing what I can do to rid myself of this horror scene before.

I was alone and yet I was clobbered. I didn't care if he was here, trying to console me or whatever the fuck it was. I ached to just escape somewhere where I don't have to be put on the spot like this. Does he know what I'm feeling about this? Yes I was angry and I didn't care if he was leaving. Of all times to bother me, why did he pick now?

"Look, I don't this to be like I'm a hospital patient. You don't have to check up every second." I walked passed him and went back to my room to change.

Shit, I forgot to close that door. He knocked on it softly before I got a chance. "Can I ask you something please?"

Too damn sweet. I'm not falling for this that easily. I took the door handle in my grip and whispered my words, "Can you wait outside while I change?"

"Sure, I'll be in the kitchen when you're ready." I heard his footsteps move away from the door and sighed after I couldn't hear it anymore.

Man, how was I going to handle this? I wasn't ready to have this big talk with him yet. Was it a bad thing that desired him and fucking hated him all at once?

Josh POV

I couldn't handle feeling so many things at once. It was like a sensory overload. What was I going to say to make her listen to me? I was trying so many blanks I couldn't see straight. I had to struggle to not look at her legs. It's been so long since I really touched her. It was getting excruciating. Not doing what I really wanted to do. Telling her what I really needed.

But I had, didn't I? The letter. I wasn't sure if she read it or tossed it like an old rag. But I had, didn't I? The letter. I wasn't sure if she read it or tossed it like an old rag. I dreaded going through with this. Already I was having my doubts and they're piling higher than the next.

What if this is the end? I say goodbye and we all go home. To our old lives. The ones without air, without meaning. Stranded without reason only to find ourselves fighting the same tired fight all over again. I didn't want to go down that road. Not again. I was in love and I had to do everything to make her see that. Everything I can think of.

I must have dosed off a lot longer then I intended because she appeared in front of me. She was dressed in what looked like funeral clothes. They weren't meant to impress anyone and she wanted to make that clear. She looked like a sad animal about to be put to sleep. Her lips trembled and her hands were joining them in unison. This silence was driving my senses crazy. I wanted to just blurt everything out all at once and let the chips fall where they may. But instead, she made the first move, literally.

She sat down at the far end of the table, hiding her hands from my view. It was like a scene out of American Beauty. Awkward quietness piercing the air. It was too obvious to let it pass.

"Somebody better say something before one of is six feet under." I laughed at the subtly of the way she said that.

I scratched the back of my neck, taking in a big breath, "Well, OK, I don’t know, I'm drawing a blank here honestly."

"Nice... I read the letter by the way. I still don't know what I'm going to do. I need some time to think over some things. I have a life here. I've made progress; on my own. There's just too much to think about right now. Too many distractions and I don't know what to say about that letter Josh."

I gulped a lump in my throat. Shit. I was getting more upset by the second. I had an inkling that she might say that. She could just say no. But she agreed to listen, maybe, but I'm so confused. What did that mean?

"The letter was in case I couldn't tell you all I wanted to say. I knew this would happen. I can't make you believe me, I really want this to be up to you--"

"But you can't just expect an answer straight away. I know--Josh, I know this isn't going to be easy. You can't just show up here and fuck with everything I'd build for myself. It's just not how it works."

I let out the breath I was holding, "I'm not expecting you to do anything. Honestly, I'm fine either way with your decision. But if this is so hard, why didn't you say no to me?"

I wasn't trying to pull a Barbara Walters her with all these grilling questions but a lot of things didn't make sense to me. I wasn't about to let them be unanswered either. She was hiding something.

I watched her jaw tightened as she spoke with a flat tone, "Don't get your hopes up. I still don't know why you're here. Stop pretending like things are OK between us when they're far from that."

She stood up with a huff and charged down the hallway. I couldn't do this; I wanted to confront these issues now. I wanted everything out now. I was ready to tell her the real truth.

I followed right behind her praying that she didn't lock her door. "Come on, I really not asking for too much."

I pushed open the door and she was in the middle of logging onto her computer. "Go away; I'm in no mood to deal with this now."

I ignored her request and walked inside, closing the door behind. I grabbed a chair, turning it around, and sat on it backwards. A habit I picked up a long while ago.

I rested my face on the arms exhaling out my frustrations, part of them. "I miss you; I can't let this moment pass me by any longer. What can I do to make you understand this?"

She was quiet for about 30 full seconds, "Missing me isn't... You just, you need to understand some things before you put out those words you made me regret feeling."

What was worst is that I didn't see her say that. Next plan was put into action.

I had this overwhelming urge to just chuck something at him so I'll be left alone. He was relentless; like a terminator. He keeps coming back like a Lazarus and all I really wanted to be was by myself for a while. Just me and my mind. Well, trying to clear it if I can. But then, I don't know. I can't lie to myself, how I'm feeling. Too much has happened in such a short time.

I want to so badly get over this feeling of harmful imminent foreboding. There's no lying in my heart and I hated it. He knows what he's done, but I wasn't so sure he could keep me. I wanted to open up and be free. Just let the wind carry me anywhere and bath within the covers. I sunk in that for a moment. How would my life be if I could get away with that? So scandalous, but to me, it would come naturally. If only...

I'm just a scared little girl trying to feel her way around the spikes. Fuck whoever can't understand that. I was so sick of making everyone care. I'm harboring my fears so close its beginning to dour my chances. Too close for comfort. I wade in my own insecurity just for the fun of it. Why? I still don't know. I guess its easier sometimes living with eyes closed. There is no pain, you can't be afraid, love is what it is and will always be; a burden for fantasies.

No one knows that about me. I chose to be a big ball of mystery wrapped into a dangerous ball of silence, crawling and craving out my own pathway.

It had been at least 7 hours and counting since Josh tried to force me to listen to his pathetic ways so he can use me once again. If there's anything I've learned about all this is to protect what you have left. I had been burned so hard.

Now that he was here, its was getting increasingly difficult for me pretend to find something to fill my day. It's only been one day and but it feels much longer. Reminds me of how we met. To be honest, I've tried so hard to block things even though they keep coming back. I really wasn't in my right mind to be dealing with this. My life had enough shit in it thank you.

But who am I always saying that to? No one knows these things. Frankly because I'd be wasting my breath. No one really understands what's going on inside but you. Its still the same.

I opened up the window to let out the hot air. Texas weather scorches everyday life, but truthfully its much cooler outside than in. Las Vegas is like this too. That's a strange thing. Back in LA, there were cold nights, but as soon as summer hit, there were days I just wanted to place my face in front of a fan all day.

The longer I stay in here, the more I'm going to just pull my hair out at this heat. I was grateful that we had a pool, but I rarely used it. Mostly because I like to go out by myself and try to stay cool. It was a lot easier doing things on my own this way. Everything tells me, why don't I have friends? Why can't you make friends? Is something wrong with you?

First of all, fuck everyone who judges without knowing the facts. And that goes for everything. The short answer is I have no need for them. Whenever I did try to keep anyone in my life, it only hurt me in the end. And I'm not saying this as some kind of fucking ingénue, though I do act like one. But in all my life, whenever I trusted people, the people I needed, I was used and I found out in the worst ways. I figure most people enjoy are using me, so why waste my time?

Yeah, I'm being cynical, but what else is left to believe? I have to look out for myself. Life isn't up to my par, it may never be. But this is the only way to gain control without fucking everything else up.

I was caught up in the moment, simple but a reality. It was a short tale and played itself out like movie. A boring one. I find myself walking out the first 10 minutes in. There are better things to gossip about.

"Is wanting to be important a bad thing?" I can't count how many times I've asked this to myself.

I heard a knock and a creak in the door as it swung open.

"How long are you going to stay here? Come on, honey. He's not going to leave."

I held up my hands, "I don't want to be around him. I don't want to be around anyone."

I sat on the edge of my bed, folding my hands on my stomach as I laid back slowly. Every time she does this I tend to feel bad, sometimes cry. She had a way of forcing me to do things I didn't want to do.

Dina came inside and sat on the other side of my bed. I turned on my side so she wouldn't see what was going on. She didn't understand why. It was her fault he's here. She did this and now I'm paying the price. Besides, no one knows what happened between he and I. I bull shit the therapist. I'm good at making up stories with real emotions. I know that's mean but what else am I gonna do? Tell the truth?

"He's leaving in 5 days. It couldn't be so bad to just hear him out. I don't know. I don't want to say I know what's going to happen but he's here. He dropped everything in his life to come here, for you. It could have been different."

Typical Dina, but I got to love her efforts. She did have a point, but too much has gone done already. A lot of shit has happened and he didn't care to come back. I have to keep telling myself this is a trick. People do that you know? They like the ruse, its sick but its how it goes with them. And other people have to pay for it. By that I mean me.

"Things are a little more complicated than that. I don't know, something isn't right about all this. His intentions are way off, I just can't risk it again. I have to be firm about this. He'll get tired and leave before the week is up, I'm sure of that."

Dina sighed heavily and rubbed my back. I was getting used to it I guess.

"Well you didn't expect him to come and he did. OK, now I'm not gonna lie here, I had some hand in this but it was all it took. He could've ignored the call and shut you out. But he's here, and he's willing to make up whatever you guys have lost. I don't know but he seems really serious this time."

"How can I love someone I don't trust? Is this going back to the intimacy? We barely had any. I'm holding onto this idea he gives me. But if I do this, I'll get sucked into everything he does and my personality won't let it go. Believe me, I've tried. Coming here doesn't change things. My life was getting better here. I'm happy."

Dina got up from my bed and picked up a photo on my dresser. I haven't the slightest clue what she was doing. Her features grew harsher, the lines in her forhead closed in. It broke my heart. I hated seeing her like this. She walked over and sat back down next to me, photo gripping in her right hand.

"Di, what are you doing?"

She struggled with her next words, I had to listen closely to hear her, "Your mom took this picture of you a year ago. I just have this feeling it might happen again and I have nightmares because of this. Nearly every night. And your mom wanted to forget about this; almost like it never happened. She wanted to completely erase any traces of this. But I couldn't. I don't forget things like this like her. Stuff like this is serious, Mariah. Love is so rare. I don't want to see you like this. I can't let you be alone. This is why I work at home and I'm always here. I'm really scared you might pull something like this again... and I won't be here to notice. It'll be too late. I can't let you drive yourself crazy, trust me, you deserve to be happy. You have a chance, you always do to make it right. Life isn't cut and dry. You can't find peace by avoiding things that matter. Avoiding people who care for you. You don't have to be alone. Your life can be more."

For someone as defensive as me, listening was a hard thing to do. I was taking everything she said in like I was being tested on it. She handed me the photo and stood up.

As I looked at the picture, she bent down, giving me a kiss on my cheek. Stinging me with the compassion. "Remember, there's always someone out there. It's ok to be scared. But life is there to live it. You're smart, don't let the pain control what you really need in life."

And with that, she left. I was alone again. But it was a different kind of alone. I was eternally alone in more ways than one. I held up the picture. I didn't know what to think. I didn't recognize what I saw. The hospital. That day of wanting and needing peace in my own way. And I was brought back, but why? I noticed there were lines every which way like a road map and the usual fleshy color had been drained from every inch of my face. I looked emaciated. My eyes were closed and looked like it would stay that way forever. I looked like death. A dark blue shade that terrified me. Every cut and crease was dismantled. My life was ruined; I remember. People were controlling me. The 16-year-old who I thought had finally ceased to exist appeared right before me and I felt helpless. Funny thing, just like that.

I was in that mind again. That cold, unwavering scene that erupted as soon as my mother started screaming. Everything went black. The scene took it's place even if I was ready or not. I shivered at the surroundings, not sure when it will end. When these things come up, they go away only when they want to.

I opened my eyes, tearing at the picture until the shards of squares fell on the floor. My life can't end like this. I still had control. I just have to keep telling myself that.

Josh's POV

I was beginning to feel like a Kato a little bit just vegging out in front of the TV, waiting until she comes to her senses. I felt more and more apathetic as the minutes go. This sucks that I can't change free will. As much as I want to so badly. I can't make anyone trust me when I need them to. Its like one of those annoying head banging riddles. Only I bet even the hardest ones can be solved. Its a lot harder than it seems.

I'm barely watching the shitty reality show, trying not to just scream at the top of my lungs how I feel. But she knows. Now she does anyway. I was hoping Dina could be a little guide in this thing. It was her idea, but it was my choice.

Ugh, just sitting here agonizing over this is making me sick to my stomach. How do you do this? I felt like a waste of space just sitting here and waiting for her to make the first move. What does it take to find the answers you need? I'm lucky enough to have found her, but coming here wasn't easy. Putting my life, putting all that I've worked for down the list. I would give it all up for her, in a heartbeat. Why doesn't she seem to understand that? Am I saying it wrong?

"Hey, Josh?" I put the bag I was holding down and turned around.

Dina came around the couch and sat down calmly. I could tell something was wrong I didn't need to ask her.

"I don't know, I tried to talk to her. Usually this works. I found out she didn't see her therapist last time and now she's avoiding this. I gave her something. Maybe she'll turn around. I just can't let this happen to her again. Not again. I have so many nightmares and if she keeps playing this isolated game, I don't know, we have to do something Josh. We have to think of something, I can't lose her. I know that nobody cares like us. Go to her. She won't say no this time. But if she does, don't give up on her."

Oh man. Dina was right. I can't just sit here and do nothing. I knew something didn't feel right about this.

"Ok, I'll try," I stood up and began walking toward her room.

I grew afraid with every step but I couldn't let it stop me. She needed me, wheither she said so or not.

I knocked softly and pushed the door slowly open to see her curled up in a ball, facing the opposite direction, "Hello?"

I saw her wipe at her eyes and turn around. Her eyes, red and swullen, tried to express a strangled accusation.

I nodded my head, getting it, "Sorry I could come back."

I started to leave when... "I wasn't asleep... What is it?"

Every bone in my body twitched but I still managed to face her. "Are you ok?"

She broke the gaze and took a deep breath. "There's nothing you can do."

"I can listen." I said softly, trying to reason.

"And be like everyone else? I've heard it before, Josh. Listening is trivial. Its just -- I don't think you would understand me."

I became brave and pulled out a chair next to her and sat down. "Wanna give it a shot? What have you got to lose?"

"What's left of me. This isn't a simple thing. You hurt me. Life doesn't just get better when you show up. It's more complicated than that."

"I can't lose you. I can't let you push me away so easily. I know what happened. I know what I did now."

She looked at me now, "I'm so upset with you that it pains me to admit that I still love you. You have to let me go now. Why can't you move on?"

"Because its too late for me and for you too."

Mariah's POV

"What do you mean it’s too late? I'm sorry Josh but if you think you're going to play games than you need to get your fucking head checked. I can easily erase you just like I had before."

"Why are you so scared to love me? I'm not playing any games here, this is the real deal. Why can't you open your eyes and see that?"

My breath shook and my blood was beginning to boil. I honestly had had enough, "You know, this is just too much all at once. I'm tired of trying to explain myself over an over to you. Why, why are you here? Really? Just tell me and then you can just sign it off early. Forget the rest of the week. I don't give a shit what happened."

“Look, I didn’t come here to pick fights or start any trouble. I don’t know, I just, I’m trying here. Mariah, look, what do you want to do? If you want me to go away then just say so. I’m not looking to mess with things anymore then I already have. Please give me a chance.”

I couldn’t look at him for a long time. I decided to stay quiet until I really needed to speak. Ever since he came here, things were starting to get worse. I wasn’t sure if I had stomach having my heart broken a second time. He ruined things a long time ago and I wasn't feeling too good about forgetting it. What if it happens again? Its too saccharine an idea to take in. Does life move this way? A constant struggle of guessing what the next move is. I really can't deal with that pressure. Too much was riding on that thin line of possibilities.

"Josh, I can't do this. I'm not going to stress this point any longer. I just don't know. I need to think about my life, the rest of it. I have other things to take care of first. My mom might be coming over and now I have to find a way around that..."

"When is she coming?" He quipped.

I threw the pillow down and walked into my closet. Maybe there was a way to get around not being here. Man this is like an ongoing battle within my mind. I fucking hated this shit. I forgot why I came inside and turned around only to fall down on top of his body. Ugh, why this?

I pulled back and tried to pick myself up but he held my hand before I could do anything. "No, don't do this Josh. I have to get up."

He ignored my words and pulled me closer to him, lacing my fingers on the hand he was holding. His free hand caressed the outline of my jaw. I made the big mistake of leaning into the gesture. I can't do this. I can't dream and fantasize when I know what will happen. I won't get hurt and I will not get played ever again. But here I was, being the naïve dreamer. And let me tell you something. It doesn't happen this way. Things like this only happen in the shallow world. Not so freely.

But I was trapped and I let it happen. What was going to happen now?

"I can't let--"

"Can't let what? How you feel? Why not? What's wrong with just giving in?"

The way it flowed was like another dream. No different from any other night. But here we are and again, I wasn't being strong enough to resist. The more he touched me, the harder all of the other things became. I managed to take in a deep breath despite the sullen predicament. Oh man, I dreaded this so much. I couldn't let this go any further. No more, I won't be controlled.

I shivered out of his hold only to have him hold me up as I was trying to get up. Not in a sex slave way, I wasn't hurt; but this does not look good. This was so soon. There's so much I don't know, so much he needs to do for this to work. Which it won't, it can't, what the fuck am I saying?

"Josh, please, why are you doing this?"

Suddenly, he sprung off me in a odd fashion and leaned against the wall. It terrified me. I didn't know what to do except catch my breath. I'm guessing he was scared to go further. I'm glad he did or things would have gotten much worse. Oh man, I was sweating and my headache came back. It was like a large pin stuck at the back of my brain.

He covered his eyes with his palms and grunted a long sigh out. It was painful to hear. He didn't rape me, he has to know that. He stopped before anything else happened.

"Josh, it’s OK. You didn't do anything wrong." I sat up a little more so I can get closer to him.

Something big almost happened and he needs to understand that. I slowly took him hand, not sure what I was doing honestly. His hands haven't left his face yet and it was super frightening now.

"Josh? Look at me. I think we need some space. I can't be around you like this. I have to go." As I said that, I stayed where I was and watched him.

He removed his hands but didn't turn to look at me. It seemed like something out of Hellrasier. I feel like any moment he might stab me and I'd be helpless. It was like another person before me. He has one of those faces that can mean anything. Right now its stoic, almost too still to the part where I questioned if I was dreaming.

It was too late, I got up in the rush and ran at full speed to the bathroom. All this was too familiar. I was scared for my life only it wasn't my fault this time. Fuck. I didn't know what to think. I sure wish I knew what he was thinking now.

Josh's POV

I wasn't sure if I was still here. She ran from me. I had a flash back to a year ago when the same situation took place. That was when she couldn't trust me and now, I'm skating on thin ice. Maybe I am going crazy again. Maybe this was the wrong time to act on impulse.

Why can't my life be easy? I wondered that every time I dreaded the next moment and the ones that followed. I grabbed at my head and attempted to squeeze the pain away. Ugh, this was just a living nightmare. I’m not in the right state of mind to do anything.

I feel like I should turn myself in. Like I committed a crime, but this was something else. OK, I know I have to get up or everything will be worse.

I can’t do this. I can’t be what she wants, needs. Not like this. Maybe not ever.

“Josh, what happened? Where is she?” Dina’s voice shook me out of my body.

I didn’t mean to shake but she came out of nowhere. But honestly, I can't talk to anyone right now. I felt like jumping off a 40ft building, the last thing I need on my deathbed was a lecture.

She didn’t know, nobody knows anything about who I am. The more they ask or pretend to care, the harder this gets for me. I really shouldn’t kill myself to find out why. But maybe Mariah was right. Maybe what I did was just too horrible to fathom and there’s just no way we can both be happy. But we maybe we need time too.

But maybe there is. Letting go of this would be the only way. Love shouldn’t be so much work. There’s that word again. Why did I say it? Why did I mean it? Two very good inquisitions I’ll never know the answer to.

But I got up, hanging my head down as I walked to the front door, saying nothing, not a sound. I didn’t need to. What good have they done me so far?

What happened you ask? Where is she? You’re asking the wrong questions Dina. Life is not simple like that. It’s cold, and freezing to the point where you want to fall back into the darkness because it’s all you really knew. Darkness is what cradles me and makes me safe. It got easier when I didn’t talk.

I slowly closed the door behind me and walked over to the bench and took a seat, making very little noise. Ugh, can’t I just close my eyes and imagine black and just fuck off from the world?

Did I really just… did it? No, nothing happened. I would never do that. Ugh, I’m not all that right.

My cell rang in my pocket. I thought I lost it before. But did I really want to talk to anyone now? Probably not, though I still answered it.

Anything to get my mind off the rubbish thoughts tainting me.

“Yeah, hello?”

“Josh, its you. Where are you? I thought we were hanging out tonight, remember?”

Jamie? Oh god in heaven no. Why in the world do I hook up with these people? I’m changing my line after this.

“Hey, sorry. I’m out of town right now. Its sort of a last minute trip and it was important. I’m coming back on Friday.”

“Josh, seriously, where are you? You’ve been gone for 2 days and everyone’s freaking. I mean come on. I was sort of expecting you tonight. You know, just like last time. Like we always do.” I shut my eyes at the vulgar tone she used.

Was I really this guy? Did I turn into the guy that does this?

“Jamie, things are different now. I can’t talk about it right now, I’m busy.” Now I wanted to just click off and think about Mariah.

“But you’re coming back right? I mean you promised me. We had such a great time and I know it can be just like that again if you were here with me.”

I pinched my temples together, “Bye Jamie.”

I clicked off the line, shut it off, and let out the strong wind of air I had been holding. The shivers started to dissipate and the rest of my body relaxed. I was shocked at the people I surrounded myself with in the last year. I really have turned into a user. A lack of feelings and disregarding the damage I’ve done. It was so easy to get distracted in that life. I didn’t have to do anything.

“Who’s Jamie?” I turned to the voice and gulped back the only thing I was thinking.

I stood up and began twitching. How much did she hear? “She’s… she’s not important.”

Dina came closer to me and I shrunk backward in a craven manner. “Josh, what really happened? She locked her door now and not saying anything. Tell me, what is it?”

“Jamie is my past. If you really want to know, yeah, stuff, shit and stuff happened with a lot of girls. But I’m in control of it now. I’m not giving up on her. I can’t.”

Dina leaned against the chipped wooden railing, “Was it big? Why is this such a secret?”

“Dina, you won’t understand. I-I wasn’t thinking and things got out of it for a second. I think we should stay away from each other for a while.”

She sighed, rubbing at her eye as she looked at me unassumingly, “What do you want me to tell her?”

The only thing that made sense was, “Just tell her I’m here. Tell her she’s not alone. I just need some time. I need to think about some things. Refresh my mind maybe.”

I moved to leave and she put her hand on my arm, “Where are you going?”

I nodded, wiping my eye before anything came out. I was careful now. “I’m still here, give me time.”

Mariah’s POV

I chose to stay in my room for the rest of the day. I was getting worried. I got up and stood in front of my mirror. I stared for a long time. What exactly was I finding? How many times do I have to stare at nothing? I was a nothing. I wasn't ready to come out yet. I locked my door just in case someone bursts in whenever they feel like it.

Oh man, I can't handle all of this right now. Feeling so torn yet it was so easy for me to shut things out. That made no sense to me. People are coming in and out constantly. Why can't they just stop? Bleeding them out would hurt more than I can say. Josh really doesn't get it. He doesn't really know how to love anyone. He doesn't even like himself. That confuses me more than anything.

Its too fast. All of this. I made a choice for me. I wanted to be free. I had to be away. I knew if I didn't, life would seem slow, falling further into something I couldn't begin to know again. Why? Why was I being cornered again? I feel like this the same game he was playing back in LA. I was dying in the city.

I looked around my room again. This was my prison. I closed my eyes. This was my hell. No matter what I do, what I change, its the same. If I think I could trust again, I forget about my chances again. But I'm in a room. How the hell am I going to know anything if I barricade myself in here? How indeed. But I hated the world. I wanted more than anything to fling open that door and jump in his arms.

It wouldn't be the fairytale ending but its what I wanted. I love him but how can I do this? I only have 4 days left. I know all of the mindless thinking is probably making me look even more dysfunctional. You're probably right. I'm a loser but nobody knows that more than me so it only makes it worse when my mom says it. She knows its my weak spot and she goes for it like a long jumper training in the Olympics.

I only wish they were dead. Honestly, the world wouldn't miss people like them. Would you?

I walked to my door. I'm getting shy now. I hate this feeling. Just open it damn it. But he's there. Why is this so hard for me?

Ok, just do it. Open the door and fucking run passed him. He probably won't notice you're there.

I gulped as I placed my hand onto the handle. Oh man, why the fuck is this such a challenge? I took my hand back as if I touched fire. I took a few steps back, unsure now. I took a deep breath and focused.

"This is so silly. This can't be that hard." Pep talks never work and its worse when you're saying it to yourself.

Just like ripping off a band-aid, I did it. I let out the breath I was hold and took a big step out. Good god. I made it.

I ran both my hands through my hair and tried to calm down. How was I going to face him like this? Face him alone? Josh really shouldn't be here. He doesn't belong here. I do. I belong to me. Nobody really belongs to anyone. Its hard to accept something so big like that. If you ask me, I don't buy a fucking word of it.

This isn't Breakfast at Tiffany's, I'm not a long lost cat and I don't belong to anyone. No one puts me in a cage.

That was when I noticed things were extremely quiet. I had a feeling that I was in one of those 80s cult slasher movies and someone was gonna jump out and grab me when I least expected it. Is there any other way to go lamely? Seriously I probably wouldn't last that long anyway.

I turned around the corner and peeped around the rooms. No one. Was this supposed this happen? Am I in one of those dreams where I'm not dreaming? How stupid, seriously?

"Hello? Di? JC?" I raised my voice only slightly above a whisper.

Damn, where is everyone?

"Over here." I think I heard what I thought was Dina coming from outside.

Maybe she's smoking again. Ugh, I hated when she openly smoked around me.

I walked around the corner and slipped on my slippers. I shivered at the cold night and grabbed my long coat before I walked outside. I heard Maggie whining and knew I was close. That pooch followed Di everywhere. I huddled my shoulders together as the November night breezed through my senses, making me instantly freeze.

My nose was starting to get that shiver that I dreaded as I got closer toward her. I only hope that this was important. I could have just stayed inside and asked questions later.

"Di? Where are you?" I turned around and jumped, holding my chest and tried to compose my heart.

"Hey, honey." I could just smell the tart niccotaine all over her.

It made me sick to my stomach. I hated when she was self-mutilating. My teeth started to clatter as I tried to answer.

I pulled my hair back out of my eyes, "Where is he?"

There was this look in her eyes that I couldn't understand. It looked as if she was about cry or had been crying and wanted to continue. Oh man, what's going on? Is it him? My heart was racing too fast for any of this.

"Let's go inside sweetie. I need to explain some things." Oh no, Dina rarely sounds like this.

Must be something big. I carried my body behind her and prayed that it wasn't Josh. There's much I never got to say. What if it was too late. What if I really lost him?

That is a bad thing, that's all I know.

Josh's POV

I decide to hang out at the closet dive I could find. Seemed like one of those places between nowhere and goodbye. It smelled of sawdust and hard whiskey. I wasn't really sure if this was the right place for me but I was running out of options.

I'm trying not to get too out of it because I was my only ride back. I didn't want to come back all weird anyway. I only had a few or so days left to convince her.

I lifted the beer bottle to my lips and took a swing. It stung a little and it bothered me a lot. More than I can say. Seriously, how do you change free will? You can't. It's one of life's many mysteries that will never get solved. Such a shame. I thought I had it all was planned. My life. All those little factors would just work out just like it had in my mind. But really, was I that naïve? I mean, come on?

Cut and dry? Simple and processed. Why? That confused me so much. Why did I waste so much time doing nothing? I really didn't have the life I said I would have. Nothing was divine or grandiose for me. It was what it was. I didn't feel alive. I think because deep down, I didn't want to. It was my way of not reaching for the razor again.

I felt a tap at my shoulder but refused to turn. I knew what it was and I wasn't going to let it control me. I had to focus on what I was going to do. Sex is the last thing I need now.

"Honey, why you sitting here all alone?" I shivered disgustedly at the female voice whispering in my ear.

I closed my eyes shut and opened them again. No. Not this. I won't be tempted. My voice shook, but why?

"Sorry, I can't do this now. Go away." I wasn't sure if I sounded convincing enough.

I gripped my beer so tightly I'm sure all the blood had rushed to my hand. She then placed her hand on top of mine. But this was near my crotch. Holy shit. What the fuck was going on? I was saying one thing and letting the other happen.

"I'm sure that's not what you really want sweetie. I can do anything you want."

Mariah. OK. Just think about Mariah. Think about how she would feel if I did anything. She's bound to find out. Secrets always come out. I just can't let this happen. Oh my god, I have to get out of here.

Oh no, not there. Why the hell am I not doing anything to stop her? Fuck. She reaches down and grips me in her hand.

I let go of the beer and finally got up from the stool.

She narrows her cat eyes at me, "What's wrong with you? Are you gay?"

Not this now. I have to get out of here before I do something so bad. But I couldn't move. Shit. It was as if I felt so embarrassed like I had to prove something to her. But what? She was a whore and I was a man in love with someone who can't seem to tell me what she wants.

"Please stop. I need to get away."

Stop it, just stop it. Get it together. Nobody knows me. Nobody knows who I am. This isn't fair. I'm fighting for nothing.

My cell rang. I feel the vibrate and the loud ringtone waking up my senses.

I instantly grab at it and switch it on, "Hello?"

My breath came out a little more ragged than intended.

"Josh, where are you?" Dina's voice brought me back to life.

I had to take this outside or I wasn't going to control myself. I had to stay calm, not let ANYONE know what's really going on. The point is, nothing happened. Why press it?

I reach the crisp air of the night and took a deep inhalation, "I'm coming back. I just needed to get some space. What happened? Is she OK?"

A pause. My throat went dry.

She cleared her throat, "Josh, we need you to come back here now. I can't explain everything on the phone and I really think she needs you more than ever."

I gulped, oh god, "I'll be right there, on my way."

I clicked off and ran as fast as my legs can carry me to the car. On the way, only one thing was on my mind and I didn't know how I was going to handle this. But I'm listening and I'm here. I could only focus on one thing at a time so my thoughts are cleared at the moment. I pushed away the worst case scenarios and bad news. I had to.

I pulled up to the front and ran to the door. My breath was out of control and my cheeks were flushed. Oh man. This is harder than I thought. She can't see me weak. I can't break down. What if its good? I mean by some miracle, what if that's the case? Truth was, hell if I knew. She needed me, it doesn't matter anyway.

I opened the door, trying to be as calm and assured of whatever's going to happen when it does. Dina appeared from the corner wiping at her eyes.

She came closer toward me and lowered her voice, "She's in her room now. I heard her ask for you. I just -- she could break at any moment. I caught her reaching for a bottle earlier. She's calm now. I think. I mean, she took it hard but I didn't want to, I couldn't believe that after all she's been through she'd react this way."

I nodded and place my hands onto her shoulders, "What happened to her?"

Dina wiped at her eyes again. It was then I noticed even through the dark that her eyes were streaked with bits of red and they were puffed out as if she had been like this for hours. "There was an accident. Her mother and father were planning on coming here to take her back home. She had a big arguement with her mom and and told her that if she did come here that the plane will crash and she would be happy about it. She hung up the phone and I tried to do everything I could for her to understand maybe where her mom is coming from. She wouldn't listen to me for the first time since she's come back. I had gotten a call from Eric and he told me that they were still coming even if she disagreed."

Dina paused for a moment. She couldn't hold back the tears anymore as they spilled down her cheeks. "They were killed over an hour ago. I didn't have a choice, I had to tell her."

Dina looked up at me with those green glassy eyes. In my mind I was breathing but I suddenly forgot how to. I shook my head slightly, gathering what I was about to say, "She's in her room?"

She nodded her head quickly as I made my way over to the hallway. My legs were shaking but this wasn't the time for that. I had to be calm. I needed to show her that I can get it together.

I stopped in front of the door. I closed my eyes as I knocked softly. I took a deep breath and waited.

Mariah's POV

I thought I heard something but I wasn't sure if my hearing was all there. I don't understand. Why was this happening?

But what really bothers me is what I was feeling. I pulled the covers over my head and closed my eyes.

There was that knock again. Dina why? Come on? I really can't face her like this. I literally just found out and I'm being clobbered. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of all these people in my life wanting to know or telling me they want to understand me. Why? Does it really matter if more people know?

They weren't the greatest people in the world, I mean my mom and my dad were far from saints. Like the furthest from that as possible. In fact, they led healthy, planned out lives without any big concerns. Oh but when I did something that wasn't quite planned out, I'll never forget the look on my dad's face a year ago.

In their eyes, I messed up their control streak. I wished them dead and I got my wish. So if that's the case than why the fuck am I crying this hard?

"Mariah? May I come in?" His gentle voice rang loud in my ears.

I pulled the covers off my head but kept my eyes closed. I sighed and turned around as I felt the door creek open. I made sure to turn to the wall. My eyes were shut so tight. Almost as if I'd shoot out a lazar beam if I opened them. It wasn't OK yet. I know it wasn't.

I opened my eyes but only to see how close he was. They were like little slits open as I hear the door shut and watched him through a mirror sit on the rocking chair in the corner of the room.

He licked his lips and began, "I'm here for you. I'll just listen. I love you... I can't let you do this alone. I've tried, believe me, it doesn't work. I just -- I wanna be here for you. I can't leave you alone."

I sniffed back, refusing to move. I wanted him to think I was dead maybe. Would that work? Maybe I should pretend to sleep. Living is easy with eyes closed. Now I know what that means.

I opened my eyes wider. "Why not?"

"Because... I know what its like to lose someone. I was really close to my uncle back home. I was young when it happened but I felt like it was my fault because the last time I saw him, we had a fight. I don't know. Dina told me what happened. All I know is its not your fault. I blamed myself for years over this same thing. I just can't let you deal with this alone."

"I don't think you have a choice. I'm fine."

"Maybe now. But this is how it starts. Look, I'm not going to argue over this. I don't want to make things worse."

I turned around and faced him, "Then why are you still here?"

He came closer, knelt down, and took my hand. I just let him.

"Being alone is not the best way sometimes. I've been where you are. Its not the way to heal. I didn't have a lot of help. I took the worst path. My family really couldn't help. But I understand it. My uncle was so controlling, some days it was too much to take. But I knew deep down that he knew me more than anyone."

I closed my eyes and sighed, opening them up again. "Really? Do you have any idea how this makes me feel? I'm finally free. You don't understand what its like to wish someone dead for so many years and have it happen. Have you wished that to anyone?"

He removed his hand from mine and caressed my cheek. I felt paralyzed. Why couldn't stop it?

"Once, I think it was with my first foster family. I would pray that something horrible would happen to them so I could be with my real family."

I was surprised by this. "You were adopted?"

"Yeah, 2 families took me in. But I was so young I barely remember what happened."

I nodded slowly, "Why did you try to kill yourself?"

The knock at the door stopped everything. I was shut out of everything. The one thing I wanted to know and this happens?

Josh kissed my hand, got up and faced the door, "Everything is fine. We're OK."

I sat up and got a head rush from doing it so quickly. I wanted so badly to bring him close to me and be in his arms.

I pulled at Josh's sleeve. He turned and took my hand, "Hmm?"

I brought his hand down with me to sit on the edge of the bed. I wanted him inside my covers. Touching me, everywhere...

I smiled a little, "Its OK. You can stay."

He looked a bit taken back as I said this. I think he was wanting to get out of the room as smoothly as possible. I think I didn't want him to leave just yet. I miss his touch. His hands.

How he used to hold me and feel me. I could use those memories. They were the only ones that made since.

He leaned forward and brushed the back of his hand on my cheek. "You mean so much to me. I can't bare to see you so sad. I'll be here for as long as you need me."

I closed my eyes, trying to sponge all my emotions together. If I was going to break again, I couldn't hold it securely.

I opened my eyes calmly, knowing exactly what I wanted to do, "I do need you. You're right. Can you do something for me?"

He brought my hand up and kissed it so softly. Made my insides melt, "Anything for the woman I love."

I sat up a little straighter. I moved close to his ear, "Make me feel good."

Josh's POV

I shivered at those words. Everything inside me closed up. Something about the way she said that didn't make sense. Well, I don't know. It didn't feel right.

She pulled back and placed her forehead against mine. "I need you."

OK, this was a big thing for me. Control it. Don't let it sound too good. Man this was really hard. I had to be the one in control here. This is not her. This is someone else. She wouldn't just up and do this. And I'd be totally using this opportunity just to get laid. This isn't what she needs. I think this is her way of trying to reach out, or to feel something. I can't pick which one. That part's confusing to me.

I pull away just a little. I took a deep breath, this was it. I can't close myself off now.

"I know why you're doing this and I understand why. But I can't let you do this to yourself. I can't use you. I can't be with you but not like this. I'm sorry."

I wasn't going to give up but I had to let her know why. She needs to know that much.

She caresses my face, wow, how could I ignore her touches? How could I possibly? This isn't fair.

"I love you and I don't care, I just wanna feel you. Let me feel you." She said tenderly.

Oh my god. I'm torn and its almost too late. Maybe not. It was knawing at my heart and I know that I'm not going to last much longer if I don't do something now.

I take both her hands and kiss them softly. I take a deep breath and close my eyes. I had to.

"I know what's going on. These feelings are clear I know but now is not the time. I can't do this. Its ok to feel like this, I understand."

Her mouth twitched and her eyes wondered. I was scared. It was a tough decision to make but I had to. Doing something like this at a time like this could make things much worse. And I would hate for that to happen because of me.

Since I really can't relate to her situation, it seems futile to say much. I can really offer silent comfort and just be there. Something her parents never gave her. I mean, its gotta be rough alone to deal with this sort of thing.

She broke again, this time it hurt me and I started to not hold anything back. “I feel so stupid. I thought--I don’t really know what’s going on now. Its just, I didn’t expect to do this I mean, I don’t know…”

I nod, “Yeah, but its ok. I know what the reason was. You’ll always have me, always, you need to know this. I can’t breathe knowing your in pain. I know you want to be alone but knowing both our track records I don’t think it’s the best thing to do now.”

She sighs, her body straightening up so I can see her better. She licked her lips looking around me, “I know, I can’t go there again. Dina took away the bottle. I still don’t know what made me grab it. I mean, it wasn’t the same feeling I had last year when I was doing it. I guess in a small way I still wanted them around. It sounds sick.”

I brought her closer. She fit perfectly in my arms, just like it was before, only a little different. It was just us. I relaxed as I took everything in.

“No, its not. I think you really wanted a family just like I always wanted. But what your going through is nothing compared with me. But I know exactly how you feel.”

I feel her body cuddle closer if possible. She hugged me tighter as if she was going to tell me a life-changing secret.

“I really thought this was it. I mean I’ve been waiting to be free for so long. I really didn’t know that karma was this strong. You know what I was thinking of when I heard?”

“Hmm?”

“Why can’t I go too?”

I kissed the top of her head, “No, its wasn’t you. Its not your fault angel. None of this could be.”

“I think deep down I know that. But its like, why? They’re dead and I’m still here. I don’t know, maybe its not supposed to make sense.”

“Death never does. No matter how many questions we ask. I think its best to just not be alone. Now I mean… It only leads to worse things.”

I took a deep breath, “When I lost my uncle I really didn’t understand it. The first hour, 2 hours later were the hardest. Imagine losing the only person you can be you around? I remember Tyler and Heather were toddlers and I was 17. I mean it wasn’t that long ago but it still felt longer to me. I still haven’t gotten over the shock of it. He was so healthy and full of energy. Most of my family thought he might live to be at least in his 90s.”

“…I don’t know. I think everyone just handles it differently. I mean there’s some part of me that’s going finally, this is it. My life is here, you know? I guess I need some time. I mean, isn’t that what helps I guess?”

I hope so, there are parts of me that still hang onto this. But this isn’t about me.

“Yeah, so can talking about it. You can talk to me about whatever you want, you know that.”

She sat up straight so she can look at me, “Why do we still care about this? What makes us not want to try anything again?”

I shrugged, trying to really be honest here, “I think there’s something I’d rather stick around for. I think that’s what love is. Giving someone life, being there when no one else can. You know?”

“Yeah, I think its worth it too.” She kisses me softly, touching my lips as she pulls away.

Mariah’s POV

I didn’t say anything. What could I say? They were gone. No matter how many times I kept repeating that over and over it won’t stop being true. They really are gone. On the way to the graves I just stood there. Wanting to make some sense what was going on before. And… nothing. What could I ask--what should I ask? What could make this better?

I just stared. That’s all I really could do. Focus and stare. But what? What the hell was I focusing on? Death? What do I know about that? What does anyone know? Who knows how or what your supposed to do? How your supposed to act, say, what?

But all I could really do is gaze. The grave. It shined at me. Those names. The names who bruised my everyday life.

Mother
Darla Jane Anderson
1958-2000

Father
Peter Christopher Anderson
1959-2000

They weren’t furnished or even shiny. The looked very plain. Just names carved on a stone. They belonged there. They always were dead in some way to me. I had a feeling God made them live longer just to torture me. But it was over, wasn’t this? They were good and buried… but would they come back?

I could just see the nightmares already forming and I began to feel a little lightheaded. Josh caught me before I fell and we sat down on the bench. I was shaking, I knew what was coming and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

“I didn’t think coming here would cause this. I’m sorry… I just have a feeling its gonna be much worse. This is just beginning.”

He rubbed my back softly, “What, what do you feel?”

That’s like asking me the mother of all questions. I don’t know but it feels terrible. Almost like a premonition I have. I’ve been getting those a lot when I was younger. I just believed they were nightmares that won’t go away. I shouldn’t have ignored them. Now I know they were trying to warn me.

I leaned into his embrace and started to erupt again. It was coming like something once again and I couldn’t stop. The crying, the emotions. It was horrible. Almost like I didn’t have control over it. My eyes were filling up and all I could do was hold him tighter. Maybe if I hold on longer this could seem easier.

“I need to stop being such a baby. Since I met you all I do is cry. I just need to control myself.”

He pulled back just a little to kiss my forehand, “No, I cry too. This is normal. I’ll be here for you for as long as you need me. Don’t worry about the way you feel. I love you, angel.”

I could feel my eyes stinging and turning red. I was going to breakdown if I didn’t stop. I hate crying in front of people. No matter what they say you really never know how to react.

“One day I’ll believe that. For now I’m too weak to go on.” I pull away from him and stood up.

I turned on my heal and walked back to the car in silence. I wiped the corner of my eye and sniffed back. I really had to pull it together. All I’ve been doing is this and its got to stop.

“We can just go sit in the car if you want. Maybe being here isn’t helping much. Come on…” I felt his hand touch mine and lead me over to the car.

I stared at the black car. Black -- the color of their hearts and they never knew. They got what was coming to them. But was it supposed to happen to them now? Ugh, why do I care so much?

I open the car door and let myself inside sloppily. I didn’t bother closing it, I just sat there. I took a deep breath and turned to him. “Let’s go back, I need to go back.”

I looked down before I can catch his look, I was getting dizzy as he spoke. “Just relax, try to. I’m here for you, don’t forget that.”

I turned back to the center and stared in front of me closing my eyes, trying so hard to ease everything inside. Have you ever tried that? Its physically impossible. I shook harshly when he opened his side and got in softly.

I sighed and took a deep breath, forgetting I was even at the funeral. “Who am I kidding? These are just words. This is, this is all a joke. Empty promises and what’s next? Back to your old life. The one where you said I can’t be a part of.”

This time I couldn’t wipe away any tears. I almost wanted him to see what he’s done to me. I almost forget what he put me through. The endless nights of being alone, wishing I had never existed. He made me crazy again. How could I forget.

“Wait… you’re going through something really terrible right now. I don’t think this is the time to make it worse. I said in the letter and to you personally that I’m really sorry all this happened. I know sorry is minuet but I’m willing to be better. I want you in my life and I don’t care what anyone else thinks.”

I finally wiped my eyes, “Just be honest with me Josh. This is never going to work out. You are too wrapped up in building the American Dream you can’t even think straight. You don’t need me or anyone in your way to distract you. Your too far away. Its never going anywhere. Why do you pretend to care still?”

I heard him bang the stirring wheel softly. “You’re just upset. I understand. You know, you’re right, I do still believe in all those things. But it would make sense to believe in anything without you with me. Please Mariah… I’ll take you back to the room.”

Sweet talk. Ugh, I just wanna throw up. Men and their fucking sweet talk. Pitiful. I can’t even be next to him in the same car. Ugh, please if there’s an actual God, finish the job I started 2 years ago. Would be the smartest thing you ever did.

I kept staring at the window as he pulled out of the parking lot and drove off. When I get back, things are going to change, for good this time. I’m keeping my eyes open now.

Josh’s POV

She’s upset. I know it. But why this? I mean, I felt her give in when I was holding her. She let me touch her more than once. It doesn’t make any sense to me. She was fine.

She can’t stop staring at that window. She’s upset. I have to keep telling myself that. They were buried today, come on. This is her version of grieving. I know it. Right?

What was all that talk about the American Dream? I’m 25, I’m still a young man building a life yes. But what does that have to with what she says? I mean I’m setting myself to have a good life. Work hard early on and get set up to have a good supportive life with a family. That’s what my uncle used to say to me when I was younger. What’s wrong with that? I like my work. I make good money. I don’t really work the normal 9-5. I mean if she really wants to know my work I can forward her emails from a tech I work with on give me the big, we have a lot of work to do speech, just to give her an idea of what my life really is.

I usually do things on time for the most part. I have 3 bosses telling me so usually and the deadlines can get a big tedious sometimes but I’m not that guy. I don’t live at work like some men do.

But none of that matters.

I want her in my life so badly I’m willing to give my life up for just one more chance with her. Can’t she see that? But it seems like I’m not doing enough. What I did was bad. The things I said, everything. The scene I played out over and over were monstrous. I didn’t want to relive them. I’m still wondering how I ever got them pushed out.

“I now know what kind of person you are and I can’t let you hurt me again.” She said, sort of out of the blue.

“You’re just upset. You don’t mean this. Just, I know, this is part of it. I get it. You’re really sad. Please don’t do this now.”

She sat up straighter and starred hard at me, “Do what? Tell you exactly who you are? I’m sorry but this matters to me more than what’s happened today and I will not let you be so cruel again. Enough is enough.”

I couldn’t say anything. I’m placing fuel on the fire enough. She’s really upset, I know it. Deep down this isn’t how she really feels. We love each other. I understand, I get it.

My eyes are stinging now. Fuck, don’t do it. Pull the shit together. You can’t let her lose hope. Be strong. For the her sake. Don’t leave her alone, this is not what she wants. She needs you no matter what she says.

I gulped back my straining emotions. I was on my last straw with this. I couldn’t take it anymore. Good thing we were a block away before I really gave in. I can’t do this around her I just can’t. She needs a man. Even if it kills me, I’ll try to be.

God what she said really got to me. I was so confident before. She was opening up. I have to keep telling myself it only matters if I believe its true. And its not.

I stopped the car on the sidewalk and turned off the engine slowly. This is not happening. Its almost like I know I’m dying and everything starts moving in slow motion. Its just that feeling of what’s coming. If I open my eyes, I’ll know. Its something big. And I don’t know how I’m going to stop it.

The nightmares started again. Yes, they were there. Scratching and biting upon my hopes of true happiness. I’m being tested. This is one of the tests. She doesn’t know what I dream about at night and I hope it never comes true.

She didn’t make a move and neither did I. I wanted to say something, anything. This is what its like to be killed slowly. Oh god, if I can get inside her thoughts...

"I'm sorry, I don't know. I need to be alone now." She unlocked the door suddenly and left.

I let her go. I don't know. This was the best way, was it? I wanted to run after her so bad, but I was glued to the seat. Its as if when she spoke, she stilled me. I couldn't move.

I lifted my head and watched her drag her body to the front door. I hated this. Nothing I could say would make her understand. I still believe this wasn't about me. She was grieving and it had nothing to do with me. I know this.

She disappeared into the house leaving me with these thoughts. What the fuck am I supposed to do now? I have 3 days, just 3 days left. I made this promise and I will stick to it. We can't be alone anymore. Even like this. We can't go on pretending nothing matters. That we don't matter. Its not the way the story is supposed to end. Nothing is finished yet. I still have time but I have to be delicate with everything. I have to be.

It doesn't end here. I still have a chance to change her mind.

I climbed out of the car and jogged back inside the house. I heard ruslting and looked around. Everything was the same. Kinda boring actually. I looked in the hallway and the bathroom door was closed. I could hear noises clearly from where I was standing.

The door swung open revealing a red-faced Mariah rubbing at her nose.

Josh's POV

I walked with the nurse toward the waiting lobby. We silently passed by Dina. She didn't bother sitting down. Her body was in the same rigid position it was before. She was slumped on the floor when I came over with the nurse. Our footsteps had startled her. She straightened herself and paced her eyes. She was shaking and I took hold of her hand. Willing the rapid motions to cease. It felt cold and dry.

She nodded. I knew what she wanted without her saying anything. She was all alone in there. Somebody had to watch her.

Before she made it to the room I called her name. "She's resting. I'll be back to check in. Thank you."

Dina's eyes welled up, released her hand, and silently walked toward the room.

OK, I hated not knowing what was really wrong. Hopefully I was going to get my answers.

I looked at the nurse. My mouth went dry and I felt a sharp pain in my heart. The nurse was doing her job trying to remain calm for my sake. We took a seat on the chairs in the corner. It was less boisterous there. I looked up finally and took a deep breath.

"Mr. Chasez, there was something the doctor discovered. The amount of hydrogen inside your wife's system was dangerously high. We found Chromium in her system. We also found trace amounts of heroin mixed in with crack cocaine. She'd ingested a lot in just one day. Almost enough to nearly kill herself with. Her blood pressure has decreased and that is good news."

I wish I had paid attention in chemistry class now of all times.

I looked at her directly, "How is she really? Is something still wrong?"

The nurse blinked slowly, "Mr. Chasez, we don't know anything yet. The doctor is still running more tests. She is awake now. The doctor wanted me to tell you that your wife needs to rest and when he comes back, he will let you know more."

Great. More waiting. I blew a big chunk of air out of my lungs and closed my eyes. I hadn't realized I stopped breathing. If I knew what was wrong I would feel so much better. I can't stand these people telling me they don't know. They never know it seems. Everything is like that now lately. I never know, and when I figure out, its nearly too late. What a waste. But its not the nurse's fault I guess. I just need to relax. Wait until the doctor gets back with the results.

I finally gesture to the nurse, she got up and walked back to the front desk. The headache I thought was gone had came back. I really couldn't just sit here and sulk. I walked back to Mariah's room and knocked softly on the door. I felt a presence and the door opened. I peeked inside before I made my way into the room. Dina had gone back to the chair close to the bedside.

She was resting. Least that's what it looked like. Her eyes were closed but her mouth was moving. She groaned and slowly began to speak.

"What's going on?" Her voice was strained and I could feel the pain.

I took off my jacket, hung it over the corner chair and came closer to the bed. Dina looked at me. As if it was on signal, we traded places. She told me she was going to get some coffee and some fresh air. I nodded and gave my attention to Mariah.

God. How the hell did we get here? So much pain in such a short time. How does everything get so twisted so quickly? Where do I start to fix it? There is no manual for dealing with morality. No one tells you what you're going to feel or what happens when you believe everything is going to be OK. Being alone is one the hardest thing in the world. I don't think anyone can be truly be happy when you have no support.

But here she is. She's not wrapped in a pretty bow but hospital sheets. Its back at square one. Once again. She wants me around but she doesn't. I want to be around but I don't know where her mood is going to go each day I'm with her. She's got me in this life game that has to come to an end. I'm not going to do nothing about it anymore. I made a promise that I wouldn't be the person she has known all her life. She has no will left. No one wanted to give her that strength. She has nobody.

There is still a whole lot I don't know about her. Little things. Trivial things that also matter. I wanna know these things badly. It starts with her. Since she can't save her sanity, I cannot see that as a viable reason to leave. The glass has already broken. I'm sure it wasn't the first time. The millions of pieces lay on the floor, right before my eyes. If I picked one up, I'd get cut myself and throw it back. I didn't want to fix things that way. It takes time. And I have time to figure out. Funny how I still do even in times of complete hopelessness.

We're still afloat. We will find a way. She needs to stay alive. She needs to live for a reason. She needs to live for me.

I start to think of those words I used to sing when she wasn't here. The days and nights I would wish to take back everything I said and did. I never did stop thinking of her. I closed my eyes, and held her hand. I whispered the words of my heart.

that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be grand if I was not all knowing

that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy

that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good

I opened my eyes to find her staring right at me. A weak smile spread across her face.

"Sing it again, please." I held my best friend's frail hand and started over.