Jurney is so messy. I swear she takes that after her mother. I am tired of every night coming home and having to pick up a trail of pens, pencils, lip gloss, polish, tissue, socks, and any other girly item you can think of on the way to my bedroom.

I'm scared to yell at her though. Shit, I'm scared to talk to her half the time. I know the therapist said to try and not treat her like a fragile being but damn, she is my fucking daughter. I love her. I need her to be okay. I want her to be the happy, teenager she was before her mother died.

That sounds stupid doesn't it? I know it does but how can I express what has happened to my littler girl in the span of one year. She is completely different and not in a closed off way, she is different in a way I can't relate to. So that is where the therapist comes in. Desperate huh?

I reach down and pick up a pink bracelet with white beads from the floor on my way to the living room where I hear the TV coming from.

Even the house is different. Looking at the pictures of us on the tables is different. It feels cold in here. Stale and cold. Not sweet and warm like it used to. Not since Melonie died.

As I turn the corner and walk into the spacious living room, I can already see this is where Jurney took up residence tonight. I quietly smile to myself. Just like her mother. Papers everywhere, she writes little notes on papers and scribbles on anything she can get her hands on. Melonie used to do the same thing and it would drive me crazy finding little notes of scribbles. I can see she was sitting on the seal of the big bay window because she has her journal lying there. I start picking up her clutter to take it up to her room. Stickers, headbands, shoes, and many papers are all here in this room. You would think we never clean up here with the way she messes up. I walk over to the open window and shut it tightly. I pick up her book only to have it fall to the floor from me having too many things in my hand.

It fell open to the place where a pen was lodged in it. I reach down and pick it up only to stop at the first words on the page.

Hey Mom,

I stare at the page and my eyes flash to the top to see today's date. I have never read my daughters notes or scribbles before and I wouldn't think of it now but I can't stop my eyes from continuing down the page.

Tonight I'm mad. I'm mad at you and daddy. I'm mad at me for being this way. I hate that I can't be the same anymore. Why did you leave? Why would you go away from me and daddy?

You know daddy isn't the same anymore, he doesn't smile anymore. He looks older mommy, he looks hurt. Why would you do that to him? You promised us....we all promised mommy, we promised each other we would never hurt one another. Don't you remember, don't you remember on Christmas when we said that.

You broke that........you broke us. And I hate you.....

I hate that me and daddy don't talk. I hate that you aren't here when I need you. I need you to help me understand the person I am mommy....help me stop feeling like this.

Why aren't you here? Why can't you just come back and help me stop crying myself to sleep every night?

My eyes were welling up at the words and the dried tear stains on the page. Why couldn't she talk to me about this? We used to talk all the time, but now it's so damn hard to look at her without feeling pain. I'm a sad father. I hear a noise behind me and jerk my head to see Spots, the cat, running into the room straight for me. I slowly walk over to the couch, pick up the remote to turn off the TV, and take a seat. The cat jumping up into my lap only for me to push the fur ball away, I hate cats. Jurney brought that thing in here two days before Mel passed. She held that cat through the whole funeral.

I wish I could have one day with you mommy....no, I would take one more hour with you. I need your help; I need you to help me and daddy love each other again. I think he sees you when he looks at me and I know he hates it. I want to stop being mad at him for not taking better care of me when you.......left us.

Something is wrong with me Mommy. I need you to help me stop this thing that is forming inside of me. It's not good...I know its not. I met someone. And I think I like her.

Her... did you get that? I like a girl. I'm a nasty freak and I can't stop myself. Her name is Tia. She is so nice and pretty and sweet. She lets me cry on her shoulder and she spends the night here all the time.

Last night...I kissed her. She was sleep and I was just sitting up and looking at her. I couldn't help myself mommy. She woke up as soon as I did it. I felt disgusting. I knew she was going to scream and call me a gay freak but... she didn't. She just let me kiss her again. After that, I just stared at her and she smiled and closed her eyes and fell back asleep.

We didn't say anything about it today at school. I called her when I got home but I didn't know what to say so she just talked.

I am lost mommy. Tia says I am desperate for affection. She says that I need someone to hug and kiss me because I don't get that anymore. I think she is right.

That is why I need you here now mommy....Why can't you be here. I hate you...who is going to help me with this but you. Who is going to tell me that the way I feel for Tia is okay or help me stop. Who is going to help me figure out if I am gay or not?

Am I gay? I don't want to be gay. Daddy is going to die right along with you when he finds out his daughter is a lesbian. Justin Timberlake's daughter - GAY! That's what the tabloids are going to say. But... am I a lesbian? Does me kissing her make me like that? Do I just want someone to love me or do I really like her in that way? I'm confused and you are up there floating on a cloud not helping me. Some mother you turned out to be and some father he is. I am all alone and lost.

I just sat there. My mouth was hanging open and I was rereading the last few sentences over and over again.

"Daddy?" I slammed the book closed and turned to see Jurney standing in the doorway with a glass of water in her hand. She looked at me holding her book and I could see the instant pain on her face. She turned and started to run.

I got up and ran after her almost breaking my ass on the big puddle of water from the glass she dropped on her way. The glass didn't break surprisingly though.

"Jur...I - I'm sorry. Stop." She stopped on the top step.

"Please Jurney, I'm sorry". I was so scared. Scared of my own daughter. I couldn't stand to have her hating me more than she already did. She slowly turned around and looked at me with tears sliding down her face.

My heart was breaking for her because she looked as scared as I felt. We both didn't know what to do or say. I betrayed her and she knew that I knew what she was hiding. I started up the steps towards her. I stopped 3 steps from her.

"I couldn't help it, I'm sorry I read your thoughts baby." I told her. She just nodded. She looked embarrassed.

"I need you to help me Jurney. I need you to help me be a better daddy to you. Maybe we can help each other. You can help me be there for you and I can help you sort out whatever it is you need help with." Again she nodded. She started to say something but stopped.

"It's ok baby, you don't have to say anything yet. I love you no matter what, I promise." She started really crying and nodded turning around and walking into her room.

Hopefully this was the beginning of the healing.

Eleven days. That is how long it has been since daddy decided to take it upon himself to read my diary. Eleven days since daddy looked at me in disgust and scared me straight. Well I wish that was true. I don’t know. That night, I called Tia and told her I can’t be her friend anymore and then I cried when she begged me to tell her what happened. I just was scared.

Eleven days and now here I am walking down the street to meet daddy. Imagine my surprise when my father called me while I was in class and told me he wanted to have lunch with me. When I told him that I was in school, he told me to just leave and meet him at our spot. I laughed at him but here I am, walking down the street to this little café we used to go to all the time. Well, the three of us would go to when life was better. Me and mom named this café “anti-celebrity” because it’s not a place you would see the Hollywood types at. So no celebrity means, no valet parking hence the reason I had to park my Lexus down the street and am walking towards the café. That makes me sound very celebrity-child doesn’t it? I laugh at that thought. I am not the typical Hollywood stars’ kid. Most importantly, I’m 16 and confused with my sexuality. How do you like those apples?

I was watching some media show last night and they were talking about the best potential hookups of the year. Well they had me paired up with Sean Preston. That’s funny considering that I only met him twice at some dumb event his mom and my dad were both at. Don’t get me wrong, he is hot and all but, not my type. He doesn’t have that, uhh, feminine touch I am admitting to myself that I like. That’s right, I admit it, and I denied it for a long time and it made me even more depressed than I was already. I am almost sure I am a lesbian or bisexual at least. I just know I like girls, a lot. I take that back, I like Tia, a whole hell of a lot. I haven’t spoken to her on the phone since that night with daddy but we have been texting each other, I can’t help it. I miss talking to her. We aren’t together or anything but we are close.

Entering the café, I can already see it crowded with people but that’s expected with it being lunch hour and all. I scan the area to see daddy sitting in the back at a small round yellow table. Just looking around at this café brings back memories of laughs and jokes the threes of us use to share. The pale green walls, decorated with poster sized pictures of flowers that some of the customers took makes me smile. I look at the wall behind the cash register to see the picture me and mom took of a beautiful orchid still hanging there. For a minute I contemplate turning around and leaving this past behind me. I sigh and fidget with my gold bracelets I have on, I can do this. I can eat lunch with my daddy and feel comfortable right?

He’s looking at me, looking like he wants to change his mind already. I start towards him, I can do this, and I can talk to him after he made me feel like a disgusting person eleven days ago. We haven’t talked since that night, well I didn’t even talk that night. I have been telling myself we are both just busy, me with the ending month of school and him with his new artist he is producing. Who am I kidding, I can’t do this. I stop walking but a guy is trying to move past me so I make my way to the table fast, and sit. He manages a small smile at me and I smile back and look down at the table. This is a mistake, he shouldn’t have told me to come if he didn’t want me.

“Hi”, he’s looking at me hard. Like I changed before his eyes or something, maybe I did.

“Hey daddy”. Let’s get this over. I want this to be over. No, that’s a lie. I want this to be better. I want us to be happy again. I don’t want to make him not want me. I guess I’m frowning because he looks concerned.

“What’s wrong Jur?” I look at him and shake my head. I look around the café, look at the people smiling, laughing, talking. Listen to the clatter of plates and silverware. The cashier is ringing up someone at cash register, espresso machine is humming and scenting the room with hazelnut and vanilla smells. I used to love it here, used to come here all the time with mom when daddy was busy. It was part of our ‘anti-celebrity’ days. We would go shopping at cheap stores, like Old Navy and Target and buy random stuff and then we would come here and eat, then we would end the day at the $1 movie that showed old flicks that neither of us were interested in. It just was fun to get away from cameras and ‘oohs and ahhs’ when people saw us.

“Haven’t been here in a long time, it brings back memories”, I look at him. Challenge him to talk about it with me, let me know he thinks the same things I think.

“I know, I haven’t been here since… since she left” he whispers. I smile at him and shake my head in silent agreement.

“So, why did you want to have lunch today” I see I have to start this out because he wont.

“Hi, I’m your waitress today, my name is Tiffany, can I get you something to drink” I look up at the blonde girl, she interrupted me. We both go ahead and order lemonades and chicken club salad.

The café is getting quite loud now with a new wave of customers coming in and getting situated, loudly. The person behind me bumps my chair getting up and another across the room coughs loudly. I’m beginning to think this setting is not good for us to have this much needed conversation. I laugh, this is awkward.

“I’m sorry Jurney” he sighs. I just stare at him. He continues, “I didn’t know what to do. I was scared to hurt you because I didn’t know what I was thinking or feeling. I was shocked when I read your diary. I was shocked you felt like I didn’t love you baby. I do love you, you know that right?” I wasn’t expecting that, not that. I was waiting for him to say something about the other thing and I must look surprised because he is shaking his head and frowning.

“That other thing doesn’t matter… ok I take that back, I can’t say I’m not concerned about you thinking you are a lesbian and that’s just me being honest but that doesn’t change the fact that I love you more than life baby and I’m so sorry I made you feel like I wasn’t here for you and I wouldn’t talk or listen. I would really like to focus on us right now and not anything else. I would like us to start talking and stop tip toeing around each other at home. I admit, I do most of the tip toeing but… I know I’ve been a punk for a father but… shit, I was nervous. You seemed to change and I was hurting and…..” he just stopped and sighs.

When I said I can do this, I was lying. I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes right now and I don’t want this to be this serious. I can’t handle serious right now.

“You’re not a punk daddy, more like a….bitch” I smile at him. He laughs, just what I want him to do.

“Watch your mouth”, he’s smiling at me. I smile back. It’s like we just broke through a bridge and a weight is lifted off of us. Not a huge weight but a small beginning weight and I can’t say I’m mad about it. Maybe different people need more words or longer explanations but I don’t, we don’t. We both get it, we know what we were going through, what we are still dealing with and we understand. I may be mature and independent for a 16 year old but I need my daddy. I want to be my daddy’s baby girl forever.

Our food arrives and we start eating in silence. And for once in months, it’s a comfortable silence, well for a minute.

“Excuse me, I saw you over here and I didn’t want to be rude and leave without saying hello… so hello Justin”, a tall lady in a suit is saying. Daddy looks up at her startled and then he smiles. It takes him a second to open his mouth.

“Olivia, wow, it’s nice to see you. This is my daughter, Jurny. Jur, this is a friend of mine”, he explains. I give her a half smile. She looks uncomfortable now, like she intruded, and she did.

“On my way back to the office, just stopped in for some coffee and a muffin but have a nice lunch Justin, I’ll see you soon”, she says quickly before waving and making her way towards the exit of the café.

“Who was that daddy?” I asked because I don’t like the ‘see you soon’ statement she made. I frown at the fact he is looking toward the exit.

“A friend of mine”, he says without looking at me and leaves it at that. He looks down at his watch and at me.

“Sorry baby but I have to be getting to the studio but I’ll see you at home tonight ok?” he smiles at me and I smile back, forgetting about Olivia for the moment. I miss that smile being for me. He flags our waitress over and orders a double espresso to go while paying for our food. We both get up and leave. Him going left, me going right. I make it back to my car and sit in the seat for a couple minutes with a smile on my face. Not a lot of words I’ve wanted, just enough to know that I still matter to him and he just showed and told me that. Maybe we can start to tackle some of the big weights we have left together.

I hope so.