“I’m going to—“ I start.

“Chill with your girls.  Yeah, I know,” he says flatly, finishing my sentence.  Justin is silent on the phone as I continue to get ready for my night out and it’s killing me.  Though the sound of hurt in his voice, no matter how hard he tries to hide it, pains me more.  

He calls me every night while he’s away, whether he’s on tour, or promoting, or filming somewhere.  That’s the way it’s been since we’ve been together.  That’s the way it’s been for the past two years.  And for those twenty-four months he’s maybe been home for about fourteen, not consecutive of course.

Don’t get me wrong.  I am extremely happy for him and I want nothing more than for him to have continued success.  But you can see how his growing success has put a strain on our relationship.  At first I used to sit at home alone, his phone call being the highlight of my day, but now I’ve found my own way of dealing with his absence.  And after speaking to him, I feel more and more depressed.

“So how was your day?” I ask, trying to break the silence.  For the past few months our conversations had become very bland and lackluster.  I held the phone between my shoulder and cheek as I looked around the room for my new graffiti pumps by Christian Louboutin. I told Justin not to buy them for me, but he insisted.

“It was okay.  The guy on the radio show was a dick, but whatever.  I’ve dealt with worse.  What about you?”  His voice is soft and I can barely hear him.  I sometimes feel like he’s afraid to talk to me.  Afraid of what I might say.

“Huh? Oh.  I just went to class.  Boring stuff.”  I’m a first year graduate student at UCLA, getting a masters degree in global fashion management.  I didn’t think it was possible for me to find someone that was busier than me.  I also never thought I’d be in a relationship with Justin Timberlake.

I met him two and a half years ago while I was at F.I.T getting a degree in Fashion Design.  Justin was in New York for Fashion Week and I was covering some of the shows as an intern for Vogue.  Beyoncé was having a release party for her new line Deréon by House of Deréon.  It was the biggest and busiest event that I had ever been to at the time.  I was actually invited to enjoy myself, not as a job, but I had just done really poorly on an exam so I wasn’t very excited to be there.

I was sitting at the bar, about to order a drink when… 

“Don’t worry about it sweetheart.  You’ve been taken care of.”  He pushes a drink toward me and it’s a Cosmo.  It was like he’d read my mind. 

“What?  By whom?” I asked, looking around for someone I might know.

“Compliments of Mr. Timberlake.”

I’m about to put the glass to my lips when I start laughing.  “Timberlake?  Please.  Which loser in here is honestly going to think that I’m going to fall for that?”  I turn back toward the bar, straightening out my new Versace mini dress.  I spent my entire paycheck on it the week before my 18th birthday as a gift to myself.  That was the first designer item I’d ever owned.

“Loser?  Ouch.”  I hear a smooth voice behind me and I turn to see Justin standing there with his hand on his chest, mocking pain.

The words ‘Oh my God’ would have left my mouth had I not been in complete and utter shock.  It took me a while to realize that the beautiful man in front of me was indeed real.  Once I mustered up the confidence I knew I had to move, I smiled.

“Hi. I’m --.”

“Phaedra,” he says and I almost want to melt at the sound of my name on his lips.  “I know who you are.”

“You do?”  My curiosity brings me closer to reality.  How could this man possibly know who I was?  Sure, I knew a lot about him.  I’d been a fan of his since I was twelve, but he didn’t need to know that.

“Yeah. I’ve been watching you all night and I had someone find out for me.”

“So you’re stalking me?” I say after taking a sip.  There’s that confidence that I was looking for.

He smiles that big white sexy smile and shakes his head.  “I wouldn’t call it that.  I’d call it admiration.”

“Hmm…Well thanks for the drink.  You ask people about what I drink too?”

“Actually, no.”  He takes a seat next to me.  I can smell his cologne and I have to try extremely hard to keep from leaning toward him.  I’m really good at hiding my emotions.  “Well you look like the Cosmo kind of woman.”

“Oh really,” I say, crossing my long legs.  Thank God for my tall parents.  “And what exactly is a Cosmo kind of woman like?”

He smiles again and I can’t wait to hear his answer to my question.  “They’re smart, powerful, and extremely sexy.”

“I’ll give you the sexy part.  That one is a given.  But as for the others, what makes you say so?  You don’t even know me,” I say, putting the now empty glass down.

“But I’d like to.”  That butterfly feeling I got in my stomach when Bobby told me he liked me in fourth grade suddenly came back.  But as I mentioned earlier, I’m a pro at hiding my feelings.

I stand, extending my hand for him to take.  “Okay.  Well you can start by dancing with me.”

He took my hand and led me out onto the dance floor.  He had this strange way of being aggressive yet gentle at the same time.  Dancing with him was unlike anything else I’ve ever experienced.  I just felt so free with him.

As cheesy as it sounds, the night that I met Justin was one of the best nights of my life.  For the next six months every date we had after that he blew me away, even if it was just a DVD at his house and some take out.  He just had this way of making me feel special all the time.

And then I had to go and fuck it all up.

I knew that being in a relationship with him wasn’t going to be easy.  He even told me that it would be hard, saying that he wouldn’t blame me or hold it against me if I wanted to get out before times got rough.  But I didn’t.  I stuck with him.  When I graduated from college I moved to LA to live with him, thinking it would make things easier.

At first it wasn’t that hard.  He’d only be away for a week or two at a time and he’d take me with him when he could.  But when graduate school started up his trips became longer and I couldn’t go with him because I couldn’t miss that much class.  I was alone in that huge house for months at a time.

“Justin, I have to go now.  I’m running late.”  I am a terrible person and I’m going to hell.

“Phaedra—“

“Yes?”  My heart started beat out of my chest.  Was this going to be the moment that I’d had nightmares about several times?

He sighed heavily into the phone and I swallowed hard, awaiting his next words.  “Um…” He was silent for what seemed like forever.  “Have a good time.”  He didn’t do it.  And I don’t know why, but part of me wanted him to.  Part of me wanted him to confront me, expose me for the person that I really was, but he didn’t do it.

“Thanks, baby.  I love you.”

“I love you too.”

And I hung up the phone, wiping a tear that had escaped my eye.  I knew I meant it.  I loved him with everything within me.  I just hoped he knew that.  But I wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t believe me.

Because we both know that I was not going out with my girls.

Every time I hang up the phone with Phaedra I feel like I lose her along with a little bit of myself.  I don’t know the details, and I don’t want to know them, but I know what’s going on.  I’ve known for two months.  And every time she tells me that she’s going to “chill with her girls” I feel like the pieces of my heart that I still have fall apart.

Somehow I manage to keep it together.  I manage to deal with the fact that my girlfriend is cheating on me.  I put that smile on my face and go about my life as if we are living happily ever after.  I have to.  That’s my job.

Why?  Why do I stay with her when I know what she’s doing?  Why do I continue to cause myself so much pain and heartache?  I ask myself these questions all the time.  And to be honest with you, I don’t know for sure.  There are several reasons that I come up with everyday, but then I question whether they’re good enough.  What I do know is that I love her and that I don’t want to let her go.

She’s my everything.

A lot of people would think that I crazy or stupid for staying with her, but I know that she loves me.  Sometimes I have to wonder if I really do know that or if I’m just hoping that it’s true.  Whatever the case may be, I believe in our love and I’m not ready to give up just yet.  Maybe I should just confront her and try to work things out from there.  It shouldn’t matter; we both know that I know what she’s doing.  But the moment I say it out loud is the moment that it becomes real.

After the first time that I met her I took her out a couple times, but I assumed she really wasn’t feeling me.  I mean, she looked like she was a having a good time, but I felt like we weren’t connecting.  Besides, we were both really busy.  I was only in New York for about two weeks and she had school and work.  Once the fun was over we both went our separate ways.

Until…

The studio is starting to get stuffy with all of the unwanted opinions of studio groupies.  When I get uncomfortable like that my creativity is stunted and it’s really unproductive.  I excuse myself and nod at Mike on my way out so that he knows that I’ll be fine on my own.  I get in my cousin’s car and start driving, not really sure of where I’m going.  Granted, it’s an easy way to get lost, but I love doing it because those are some of the few times when I feel like a normal person.

I pull up at this quiet park and am thankful that there isn’t anyone around.  It was bad enough that I had to drive Rachel’s car so that the stalkerazzi won’t follow me.  I didn’t want to have to run around a park without my bodyguard. 

There’s a lake in the middle of the park with trees surrounding its shore.  It’s so beautiful, sparkling under the sun.  It’s times like these that make me wish I’d followed through with photography.  It’s a hobby that I always wanted to pursue, but never had the time.

As I get closer to the lake I notice that there is a flock of ducks gathered around a tree.  There’s someone feeding them I think, but I can’t tell because I’m so far away.  I continue to walk toward the lake and the image becomes clearer.  There is in fact someone feeding ducks, but it’s not just anyone.

“Phaedra?”  What’s she doing here?

She turns to look at me in shock.  “Justin?  Now I really think you’re stalking me.”  She smiles at me and her eyes sparkle a little bit like the lake.

“Pssh.  I am not.  You’re the one stalking me,” I say as I sit down next to her.  Some of the ducks scatter, as if to make room for me, and then come back for more bread crumbs.  She looks like a different person than I met in NYC.  This girl has her hair up in a messy ponytail, no make-up, sneakers, jeans, and a tank top.

“You wish I was stalking you.”  She pauses for a moment as she reaches into the container for more bread crumbs.  I expected her to toss them away from her but, instead, she extends her hand out and lets the ducks eat from the palm of her hand.  A few of them fight for her attention but only three or so make it.  The others have to go for whatever falls on the ground.

“So what brings you to Virginia Beach?  I didn’t think this was a celebrity hot spot?” I kinda feel like I can’t read her expression.  She seems happy, but for some reason I feel like she’s putting on a show.

“I’m doing a little producing for some people and a little bit of stuff for my next project.  What about you?  I never expected to see Ms. Fashonista City Girl in a place like this.”

“Why not?”  She furrows her eyebrows and it looks like I might have offended her.  “I’m down to earth.  Don’t be so quick to judge Mr. Timberlake.”

“I don’t think that you’re not.  It’s just that you seemed to fit in so well in New York, like you belong there.  Funny enough, you don’t really seem out of place here.  It’s almost like you’re a different person than I met before.”  I know that I don’t really know her all that well, but I’m usually really good at reading people.  It’s a skill that I had to develop when coming in contact with fake people all the time.

“Hmm…Well I’m originally from around here.  I just go to school in New York.  I’m just home visiting for the weekend.”  She stopped feeding the ducks and they hung around for a while until they realized that she wasn’t giving them anymore.  “If you can even call it that.”  Suddenly her demeanor changes and she’s lacking that glow she had when I first approached her.

“What do you mean?”

She stalls for a while as if she’s hesitant to tell me what’s on her mind.  “Remember how I told you how fashion is my life?”  She had more than mentioned it when we were in New York.  I remember her saying that as a little girl she knew that she was going to be a designer.

I nod.

“Yeah well, my parents are less than happy about my decision to go into the fashion industry.  They make me feel guilty about something that I’m passionate about.  They’re both OBGYNs and own a chain of private practices in Virginia, my brother is a lawyer in the process of owning his own firm, and my sister is a neurologist.  Every time I come home they make me feel like I’m such a disappointment.”

She looks so sad and vulnerable, not the strong and confident woman that I met two months ago.  “But you can be an accomplished, successful, fashion designer.  I don’t see what the problem is?”

“They say designers don’t help people.  Designers can’t save the world.  But I don’t care.  I love fashion and I’m not going to fail.  I won’t fail.”

I don’t know what to say to her, but I give her a smile so that she knows that I care.  “Looks like we both came out here to get some fresh air.”

“My grandparents used to carry me out here when I was little to feed the ducks.  They were the only ones that were okay with my decision to go to fashion school.  They always said that I should do whatever made me happy, no matter what anyone says.  They gave me enough money to pay my way through fashion school and live comfortably in New York.  But they passed last year within a few months of each other.  I feel like I have no one to turn to in my own family any more.”

I rest my hand on her shoulder comfortingly, “You know that you can always come to me.”  She looked at me alarmed, as if she couldn’t believe the words that had come out of her own mouth.  She looked away after I saw her visibly close up before me.

That was the first time she’d ever opened up to me.  I came to learn that those times would be hard to come by.

I’m standing outside of Justin’s room waiting for him because we’re late again.  I’m about to knock on the door to tell him to hurry up when it opens and he’s standing on the other side looking back at me.  He’s wearing a sweatshirt with the hood pulled up and sunglasses covering his eyes.  He pushes past me and walks down the hallway without a word.  I know immediately what’s got him looking so depressed.

He just got off the phone with Phaedra.

Phaedra Gibson is going to be the death of my best friend.  As much as I don’t want to sit back and watch her destroy him, it’s not my place to tell Justin what to do.  Yes, I know what’s going on too.  I know that Justin has an idea of what she’s been doing, but I won’t be the one to tell him.  That has to come from Phaedra, and I’ve said that to her several times.

At first I couldn’t believe what I heard.  Some of my boys were telling me that they’d seen “Justin’s girl with another dude”.  But they didn’t know Phaedra so they had to have been mistaken.  I knew her.  She was my friend.  She wouldn’t do that to him.

I really try not to use the fact that Justin Timberlake is my best friend to get girls, but I had to make an exception tonight.  There were fine ladies everywhere hanging on my every word.  Justin is visiting his family for a few days so I came home to take care of a few things before I have to meet back up with him in Chicago for some promo stuff.  This is a new club that neither of us has been to before so I’m checking it out before him.  That way if it’s whack, he won’t have to be associated with it.

I sit back in VIP looking over the balcony and onto the dance floor.  I think I see Phaedra but I’m not sure so I stand and walk over to the railing.  It’s dark and hazy, but there are flashing lights across the room.  Yeah that’s her.  I should go and say—

Who’s that guys she’s with?  Friend of hers I suppose.  I’ve never seen him before.  Maybe she doesn’t even know him.  They’re dancing a bit close but that’s not—

Did she just kiss him?  Maybe it was an accident.  But then why are they still kissing?  I can’t be seeing things right.  As I head down stairs to find out what’s going on, she grabs his hand and leads him to the back of the club.  Oh. Hell. No.

I sprint down there as fast as I can in hopes to see that I’m terribly mistaken.  There are people everywhere but I force my way through them and follow her and this guy.  I look around but I think I lost them.  They’re not by the bar or the bathrooms so I give up, deciding that I was seeing things.  I walk back up to VIP and sit amongst my groupies.

“Where you been, Nate?”  This blonde girl huge with tits starts talking to me and I can’t remember her name.  “I thought I saw a friend of mine downstairs.  But I guess it wasn’t her.”

She starts going on about how I owe her a dance when I think I see them out of the corner of my eye.  I get up again, ignoring everything that chick was saying to me, and head to the booths that are hidden from view by a black curtain.  I pull back the curtain and immediately wish I hadn’t.  She’s straddling his waist, kissing him hungrily as he had one hand on her thigh underneath her skirt while the other one was under her shirt, rubbing her back.

“What the fuck are you doing, Phaedra?”  I yelled, announcing my presence.  She turned around quickly, like she’d been caught with her hand in the cookie jar.

“Oh my God. Nathan.”  She jumped off his lap so fast someone would have thought it might’ve been on fire.

“Oh my God is damn right.  What the hell are you doing with this dude?”

The guy leans forward as if he’s getting ready to start something. “Who the fuck is this ‘dude’ Phae?”    He gives me this look as he sizes me up.

She gave him a pleading look then turned back to me.  “This doesn’t have anything to do with you Nate.”

“The fuck it doesn’t.  Justin is my best friend!  How could you do this to him?”  I’m a little tipsy so my temper is rising really fast.

“You don’t understand.”  I can hear her start to choke up and I almost feel bad for yelling at her.  Almost.

“Then enlighten me Phaedra.  Explain it to me then.”  I can see the guy out of the corner of my eye lean back and stick a toothpick in his mouth.  Punk.

“I’m not doing this here with you.  Stop now before you make a bigger ass out of yourself.”

“Me? What exactly do you think you’re doing?”  She has a damn nerve saying that to me.

“You know what?  I don’t need your explanation.  I don’t care what your excuse is.  There’s nothing you could say to make this alright.”  I turn to leave and walk out from behind the curtain.  At this point I don’t give a shit about the groupies.  I just need to get out of here.

“Nathan, wait!” I hear her call out to me.

She follows me downstairs and grabs my arm just as I get outside.  I yank my arm away and turn to look at her.  I know what she’s going to say to me so I speak up before she gets the chance.

“You need to tell him what you’re doing before I do.”  With that I turn and leave.

To this day she hasn’t said a word to him about it, but Justin’s not an idiot.  I know he knows that something isn’t right with her.  I just can’t figure out why she would even do this.  I’ve known her since the beginning and I know she loved him.  And he has done nothing but love her and treat her like a queen.

I thought that they were the best things for each other.  They made each other so happy. 

But now I can’t stand to see them together because I know how much she’s hurting him.  And the worst part about it is that I can’t do anything about it.  It’s not my place to tell him what I saw.  It has to come from her.

There was a point in my life where I thought that a new pair of shoes, a new outfit, and a new purse could solve any of my problems.  That was before I met RaShod.  After Justin's presence became scarce I thought that RaShod could fill a bit of the emptiness I felt within me.  And he did, but that semi-filled feeling was short-lived.  I feel completely and utterly empty, more so now than ever.  The hole I used RaShod to fill has not only widened, but it has engulfed my heart.   I have lost the ability to clearly recognize love and have become numb to reality, living life in a web of lies that I have spun to save me from a problem that I never really had.  My selfishness led me to believe that I'd been abandoned when I really hadn't.

No matter how far or how busy, Justin always loved me.

I can't help but to think about the choices I've made every day.

As I park my car at a meter in front of Leo's Café I can already imagine what my best friend Khayla is going to say to me.  She's that one friend that swears they have the answers to all your life problems and she's been that way since we were five.

That's what I get for befriending a smart model rather than a self-absorbed bimbo.

She's sitting at a small table with her big designer sunglasses pushed up over head, keeping her black hair out of her face.  She's on her phone, and though I can't hear what she's saying, I can tell that she's talking to her agent by the way she appears to be yelling.  They have one of those interesting love hate relationships.

I try to appear happy as I approach her to avoid her questions, but I'm sure it's useless because she can read me like a book.  "Hey Khay," I say to her as she hangs up the phone.

She looks at me, smiles, and then stands to hug me.  "Hey Phae."  Her hugs remind me that our friendship has a love beyond question and no matter how much shit I go through or that she has to put up with for me, she's always there.

"What happened to you last night?  You look like someone stole your puppy.  And don't tell me nothing because I know you too well for that bullshit."  I look down at the menu, keeping my sunglasses on to avoid her eyes.  "Have you tried the salmon?"

"Phaedra, stop that."  Khayla takes the menu from me and gives me a stern look.  "Were you talking to F.A. last night?"  F.A. means ‘fuck ass', what she calls Justin, but I asked her not to call him that so she abbreviated it.

"Yeah, but-"

"That boy is lucky he's so busy, otherwise I'd fuck up his trifling ass."

I sigh heavily.  "Khayla..."

"Don't Khayla me.  He's playing you.  Who knows how many girls he's messed around with since he's been away?"  My heart sinks because she's got my situation so backward.  "Why are you staying with him?  I know that you know what he's doing to you because I see it in your face all the time.  Leave him.  He doesn't deserve you and you don't deserve to be treated this way."

What's even more depressing about her lecture is that Nathan is probably telling Justin the same thing about me right now.

"It's not like that."

"Then tell me what it's like, Phaedra?"  I couldn't tell her that I was cheating on my boyfriend with her ex.  Yes, I said ex.  I couldn't say that I was fucking around on my boyfriend with Khayla's exboyfriend, so I didn't have an answer for her.

"See? You can't even give me an answer because you know I'm right."  If only she knew.

It's not something I planned.  I didn't wake up one morning saying that I was going to cheat on Justin, much less with Khayla's ex.  The first time it just kind of happened.

Tonight is another sucky night.  I've been crying, I feel lonely, I'm horny, I haven't spoken to  Justin since the day before yesterday, and I have six sketches due in two days and I can't even finish one.  There is depressing bullshit playing from the stereo, you know, the Keisha Cole type shit that makes you want to break up with your boyfriend. 

I keep eyeing my phone on the bed, hoping that it'll ring, just so I could hear his voice.  I'm not the type of girl that hangs on her boyfriend's every last word, or waits helplessly by the phone for him to call.  Or, at least I wasn't, but that was before I realized how truly lonely I am in this big house.  Khayla is in Paris for a photo shoot and I don't really have any other friends here.  I moved here for Justin.  I know that he's probably really busy, but that fact doesn't make me feel any better.

And on top of all of that, the AC broke yesterday and it's fucking hot.  I went swimming, but there's only so much time that I can spend in a pool without shriveling up like a soggy raisin.  Since then I've been walking around the house in my bikini with a couple of fans on and drinking a lot of ice water.

When I spoke to Khayla yesterday she told me that her exboyfriend, RaShod, had some electrician skills.  I got his number from her and called him as soon as I could.  He told me that he was going to be here at 4pm.  That was 5 hours ago.  At first I was a little fed up, but then I realized that I should've expected this.

I met him a couple times while he and Khayla were still together and I can say that he wasn't exactly a charmer.  He had this thug like attitude that screamed I don't give a fuck and he didn't wait on her hand and foot like she was used too.  He didn't drive a Benz, take her to five star restaurants, or buy her jewelry.  His idea of a good time was chilling at his place with a movie and a pizza, or hanging out at the mall, or playing some ball.  And it's not that she didn't enjoy the simple things, it's just that she got bored really easily in relationships.  All in all, they just weren't right for each other.

I didn't care one way or another.  If it wasn't meant to be between them then it shouldn't be.  All I know is that if he doesn't show up soon, something crazy is going to go down.  I am not in the mood to deal with any more of this heat.

About 20 minutes and a ton of ugly sketches later I get a call from the gate announcing that RaShod is here.  I throw on some denim shorts and answer the door after I hear the doorbell ring.

"Aye," he says and nods.  I don't even acknowledge his lame attempt at a greeting because I am too hot to care.  I start walking toward the thermostat so that he can figure out what's wrong with it.

"Yeah, hey to too."  He says it dripping with sarcasm.   I can tell that he's annoyed but I really don't care.  "Whatever, RaShod.  You said you were going to be here five hours ago.  You know, I can tolerate ten minutes or even an hour.  But five hours?  You didn't even bother to call."  We finally reach the thermostat and I point to it.  "But it's whatever.  I don't know what the problem is.  I keep trying to change the temperature, but nothing happens."

Once it looks like he's got things under control I go back to the sofa to continue with my sketches.  "You know, you really didn't have to get dressed up, or rather, dressed down for me."  I laugh dryly because he's got to be kidding.  I don't know what he thinks this is, but it's one of those cheesy soap operas where the lonely lady walks around in a skimpy outfit in hopes to catch the handyman's eye.  Well, I was lonely and he is attractive, but I'm not desperate and I'm not a cheater.

I wasn't really paying attention before, but at some point he takes his shirt off and now I'm fully alert.  There's sweat starting to form in the creases that define his well shaped muscles.  It's a little...distracting.

"So what are you doing here in this big house all alone late at night?"  He asked, never taking his eyes off his work.  Is he seriously talking to me right now?  He has some nerve.  I still can't get over the fact that he was five hours late.

"Why were you so late?" I respond.  Sweaty muscles aren't important right now.   He stops what he's doing and looks at me grinning, but with an air of seriousness.  "I had an emergency situation I needed to take care of.  Now answer my question."  That wasn't the answer I was really looking for, but there's no use in arguing with him about it.  Those five hours had come and gone.

"My boyfriend is away working.  Filming a movie actually.  Thanks, but I don't really need you to be concerned for me."  This time he was the one to laugh.  "I ain't even say all that. I was just curious.  And why are you listening to all this whiny bullshit.  It's depressing."

 I let out a heavy breath because the more he continues to talk to me the longer I'm going to have to go without AC.  "Can't I just like this ‘whiny bullshit'?  Why does there have to be a reason?"

"Because right before Khayla and I broke up she was listening to this bullshit.  I'm just saying, you know.  Like, your man ain't been around for a minute.  That's gotta be rough."

What exactly is he trying to do by saying these things to me? I really need to stay focused on my work, but at the same time I don't mind having someone to talk to about what I've been feeling lately.  I hesitate a little because I don't know if I should go there, but I've been dying to let it out.

He turns back to the thermostat, but I know that he's still waiting for me to answer.  "Um, yeah,  It's been a month since I've seen him.  It's hard, but I have to deal.  That's what happens when you're in a relationship with somebody in the business that he's in.  He's a busy man, but a talented one and I can't let our relationship come between what he was born to do."

I can see the back of his head move up and down in a nod.  "Yeah, but it seems like you're the one making all the sacrifices.  I don't know.  That's just me talking from the outside looking in."

I almost don't catch the last of what he's saying because I'm staring at the sweat that has formed on his muscular back.  The heat doesn't seem to be bothering me so much anymore.  "Um, I've never really thought about it that way before.  But I don't know that I can.  I'm not the multimillion dollar superstar." 

It's silent while he tinkers with the thermostat a little bit.

"Aight, ma.  I think it should be good now."  He put it back together and flicked it on and sure enough, cool air began to blow lightly through the vent.  I hate to admit to myself, but I don't want him to be done.  I finally had the attention and the company that I'd been craving for weeks.  "Thanks," I say standing.  "You want something to drink?"  Just an hour more of conversation couldn't hurt.

 He nods in reply so I walk to the kitchen and open the refrigerator door.  As I contemplate on what to get, I start to wonder if this is a bad idea.  Trouble seemed to follow RaShod wherever he went.  And he was too damned nosey.

After grabbing two beers I return to the family room to find RaShod sitting on the sofa next to my stuff.  I handed it to him then sat down, hoping to continue the conversation.

I never wanted to complain to Justin about how I was feeling so it was nice to finally get this off my chest.

Out of nowhere he starts singing to the music I have playing.  At first I try to ignore it, but I can't much longer.  It's just so...strange.  "What the hell are you doing?"

"I didn't know singing was a crime."

"It isn't.  I just didn't really see you as the singing type."  I lower my head to return to my work.

"Oh really?  So what type am I then?"  I didn't respond to his question.  I just stare at him, blinking.  "What?  It shouldn't be that hard.  You seem to have me figured out already."

"Okay," I say, laying my things down for a moment.  "You're cocky, arrogant, and slick.  You know how fine you are.  You're deep with knowledge.  Not necessarily with book smarts, but you've got tons of philosophies about life based on your own personal experiences."

He sat back and rested his arm on his knee.  "Okay.  Not bad, but I got you figured out too.  You smart, talented, and sexy.  When it comes to your business you demand the best and make sure that shit gets done.  But when you're here you become someone else.  You're lonely and you feel unloved, even though you put up a front like everything is peachy fuckin keen in your life.  This is the one part of your life that you have no control over, or at least, you think you don't."

"It really isn't as bad as it looks.  Like, it's not easy, but I have to do what I have to do."

"Not bad?" He says, then takes a sip of the beer.  "Not being held or touched or spoken to in person for a month ain't bad? Maybe I ain't have my definition of a healthy relationship right."

"You know, you have some nerve lecturing me about my relationship.  Look how shit ended with you and Khayla."  I cock an eyebrow.  It may seem like a low blow, but it was deserved.

"Well we just ain't right for each other.  I ain't what she needs in a man and she ain't what I need in a woman.  Simple as that."

"Hmph...Well, it's a lot more complicated than you think."

"Okay," he puts his beer down then looks up at me.  "Explain it to me then."

I already told him that it's complicated.  Why can't he get that?  "You're not in my shoes.  You wouldn't understand."

He's giving me this glare that is sending chills down my spine.

"What's there to understand?  Love ain't supposed to be complicated. If it's right, it's right. You ain't supposed to be unhappy or unsatisfied." 

"I never said that I was unhappy. It can just get a little lonely." So lonely that I'm sitting here pouring my problems out to my bestfirend's dumb ass ex, like he's a fucking shrink or some shit.  I didn't realize how desperate for attention I'd become.  And I don't like the way he's looking at me.  I never realized what pretty eyes he has...

"But are you satisfied?" When I don't answer he smiles. Khayla never mention that he had a sexy smile.

What am I saying?! And how did he get so close to me all of a sudden?

"How long as it been?"

Too long.  My heart starts beating loudly in my ears and I swallow hard.  "Um.."

He boldly puts his hand on my thigh and starts to caress me.  My eyes flutter closed because I like the way it feels so I don't stop him just yet, even though I know it's wrong.  He eyes me again, but licks his beautiful lips this time.  Shit, what I would give to have those lips on my...

I get up quickly and walk into the kitchen without answering his question because I shouldn't be thinking the things that I'm thinking right now.  The truth is, I'm terribly unsatisfied.  It's been too long since that last time I had sex...or even hugged my boyfriend.  For weeks I've just wanted to feel a man's hands on my body, to taste his lips on mine, but I've been going through a drought, a dry spell.  It's gone beyond a problem that I can fix on my own.

I walk to the sink and flush some water over my face then dry it off with a piece of paper towel.  Get it together.  Get your shit together.

Before I can completely compose myself RaShod walks into the kitchen and stands behind me.  He's so close that I can feel his breath on the back of my neck.  He's not saying a word, just standing there, and I know what he's trying to do.  He's waiting for me to crumble.

And I think it's working.

My brain is wishing that when I turn around he'll disappear or tell me that he's gay.  My body wants him to throw me down or press me up against the counter and do terribly dirty things to me.  I take a chance and turn around with my eyes closed.

Nothing is happening.  Slowly I open my eyes and he's staring at me.  His eyes are piercing mine.  I want him to stop looking at me like that, but yet I don't.  I want him to take me, yet I want him to leave.  He leans into me, leaving the remaining space up to me to close.  But I won't do it.  I'm not going to cheat on Justin.  I'm not going to make this mistake.  I'm not ...

Kissing him.  Shit.  I'm kissing him.  His tongue slips past my lips and starts to massage my own.  I'm not sure how it happened, but his lips are tearing at mine and it is taking everything within me to pull away from him.

"Wait, stop.  I-I can't do this."

"You can't or you shouldn't?  I promise you won't be lonely tonight."

He starts kissing and licking on my neck and my eyes uncontrollably roll to the back of my head.  My damn weak spot.

Control yourself.  Get it together.

My lower back is pressed up against the counter and he starts to grind his hips into mine.  I can feel him hardening in anticipation and it's chipping away at my restraint.

I open my mouth to tell him to stop, that this is wrong, but instead, a moan escapes me.  He growls lowly in my ear and that's it.  It's done.  I want him. Now.  No more thinking.  My brain has shut off and I'm on autopilot. 

My head falls back and my right leg wraps around his waist.  He licks a trail up my neck then kisses along my jaw up to my earlobe, then stops to suck on it.  I don't know how much more of this I can take.

His hands rub up and down my arms then one of them lands on one of my breasts.  Everything in my head is screaming for me to tell him to stop, but I can't form the words.  Instead, I trail my hands up and down his chest, encouraging him to continue.

RaShod draws his lips away from my neck and land on mine in a rough kiss.  I kiss him back eagerly, with a hunger that I didn't know I had.  He hoists my other leg up around his waist then carries me back into the other room, laying me down on the plush carpet.  My blood is flowing through my body like fiery lava and I can't control my sinful desires.  I want him inside me and he knows it.  I want him to fill me up and make me forget that I was ever alone in the first place.  Within seconds my bikini top is gone and my bare chest is pressed firmly against his. 

Without hesitation he reaches up and touches me and volts of pleasure shoot through me.  RaShod sits up and roughly grabs at my shorts.  I don't know how, but he manages to take them off me with one hard yank.  After my shorts are tossed away he kicks his sneakers off then slides out of his jeans.  Before he throws them aside he quickly reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a condom.  I'm not really sure how I feel about him coming to my place with condoms in his pockets; maybe he's just always prepared.  If I wasn't so sexually driven right now I'd probably wonder how common situations like this were for him.

As he holds the plastic wrapped protection between his teeth he unties the bottom of my bathing suit and for some odd reason I don't feel even the slightest bit uncomfortable completely naked in front of him.  He slips off his boxers and tears the wrapper of the condom with his teeth.  I'm so eager to fuck that I grab the condom so that I could put it on him myself.  I'm moving so fast that within seconds it's rolled onto his dick and he's ready to go.  The less time I have to think about my actions, the better.

His dick presses against my sweltering center as he leans down to press his lips against my ear.  "What your man don't know won't hurt him."  As soon as he sat up he grabbed my hips and forcefully pulled my body closer to him.  Without any kind of warning, he slams into me hard and deep.

My back arches high off the ground as I scream out at the intrusion.  Before I get a chance to adjust to his size, he pulls almost completely out only to slam back into me roughly, burying the last few inches of his manhood deep inside me.

"Ugh. Shhiiitt."  He's so deep that I can feel him at the base my stomach.  His strong hands firmly grab hold of my waist as he finds his rhythm, grinding into my pussy with every thrust.  I'm trying so hard to keep quiet, as if I'm afraid someone might hear, even though I know that there is no one else in the house.  But I can't.  Every time his body slams into mine I raise my hips to meet his and let out a loud groan.

A low guttural growl escapes RaShod as he fucks me. "Yeah, fuck girl."   His muscles flex and sweat starts to form around his brow.  The nerve endings in my clit are on edge as he rubs against it with every wind of his hips.  Without a word, he stops moving and hooks his arms around my thighs.  He lifts me off the ground and my legs wrap around his waist on instinct.  He starts to walk us down the hallway closest to the den.  The first door he tries is a guest bathroom.  He looks at me questioningly and I tilt my head to the left, indicating for him to enter the guest bedroom next to the bathroom.

He doesn't waste any time and immediately throws me onto the bed.  This time he grabs onto the iron head board, using it to steady himself as he rams into me.  "You like that, shawty?" he asks as he stabs into my depths with great force, trying to find that special spot that Justin found almost instantly.  I couldn't answer.  Instead, my head falls to the side as I gasp and shudder.  If I wasn't lying down right now I would've surely collapsed. 

He pushes into me harder, until finding my g-spot and hitting it several times over upon realizing that he'd found it.  "You like that, don't you?"

"Yesss..."  My moans were increasing as his strokes quickened.  I couldn't help but to move my hips too, fucking him back, desperately trying to hold onto what's been building up inside of me.  I've finally adjusted to the size of his dick so he is able to move in and out of me with a bit more ease.  No matter how hard I try to resist, groans of pleasure continue to escape my lips.

He leans forward and traps my mouth in a hot kiss as he slows down a little bit.  His strokes were long and unhurried, yet still hard and toe curling.  The feel of him is excruciating as I can feel every ridge and vein protruding from his dick slide against my slick walls.  It's like they're hugging him, trying not to let him go in fear that I'll be lonely once again.

Heat is starting to form and rise through me.  A familiar, yet forgotten pressure is starting to build in the pit of my stomach.  It feels like it's been so long since I've felt this way.  My abs start to clench as the walls of my pussy start to clamp down on his dick.  "Fuck RaShod.  I'm gonna...ugh."

"Yeah ma, let it go."  He continued at his slow yet effective pace.  Suddenly, a feeling of ecstasy washed over me.  I can't control the sounds that are coming out of my mouth as I release onto him.  My hips buck forward and off the bed as my body trembles and the muscles of my pussy convulse and twitch around him.

My own orgasm encourages his.  He quickens his strokes a little and sweat trickles down the side of his face.  After a few more pumps he lets out another throaty groan and shudders, letting his body collapse on mine.  Soon he pulls out and goes to the bathroom, leaving me alone in the room.  The worst thing he could have done is leave me alone with my thoughts.

After a minute or two the ecstasy dies away and realize comes crashing down on me, nearling knocking my breath away. I didn't know it was possible to feel so bad after feeling so good.

I feel lower than dirt right now.  How could I cheat on my boyfriend?  Sometimes I picture myself being with him for the rest of my life, yet I betrayed him in the worst way.  Not just him, but Khayla.  Khayla would be so disappointed in me.  I'm supposed to be a better friend than this.

I pull back the sheets of the bed and completely cover myself, head to toe, and start bawling.  I don't care if he hears me.  Shit.  I hope he hears me.  How could he let this happen?  How could I let this happen?

Justin loves me.  He would never do somethin like this to me.  What the fuck is wrong with me?  The tears are just flowing out of my eyes, streaming down my cheeks, soaking my pillow.

"Aye," I hear RaShod say and I feel the bed sink on the right side of me.  "Get away from me!" I manage to get out between sobs.  I can feel his hand trying to pull the covers down and I feel sick.  "Don't fucking touch me!"

"I done touched you everywhere that a man could."

"Fuck you.  Get the fuck out.  I shouldn't have done this.  It was...It was a mistake."  I pull the blankets tighter around me and continue to cry.  Maybe if I cry myself to sleep I'll wake up and this will be a nightmare.

"You wasn't thinking it was a mistake when you was screaming my name."  I want badly to yell something at him in response, tell him that he's wrong and that he should go fuck himself.  But I just can't find the words to say where I wouldn't be lying to myself.  I just cry harder, trying my best to ignore him.  After a minute or so he gets up and walks out of the room and closes the door behind himself, leaving me there to cry all alone.

I should have said something to Justin immediately after it happened.  I tell myself most of the time that I didn't say anything to him because I was ashamed and embarrassed by my betrayal.  While that's partly true, I also didn't tell him because I wanted to do it.  I wanted to have sex with RaShod.  I wanted him to fuck me so that I forgot about all of my problems and made me forget that I had a man that was never around.  I want to believe that he fills a void that Justin creates in me every time he's gone.