AS I AM

Chapter 1

Lourdes Washington sat sullenly in a corner, ignoring the ray of sunshine peeking through the mini blinds that beckoned her to smile. She was truly sorry for her disposition on such a beautiful day, but frankly she couldn’t find much of anything at that particular moment to smile about. First off it was 6:40 a.m. a major problem all on its own. It didn’t matter if the sun peaked through the clouds, or if the sky reminded her of baby blue cotton candy. It was still damn early, too early for her to be reflecting on anything as bubbly as the weather outside when her thoughts were more interested in which course of action could be taken to change her circumstance. She had spent the better part of a month begging for another alternative, anything that would deter her from having to spend the next three months here with him. She even opted to voluntarily check herself into the nearest rehabilitation center, anywhere but here. It wasn’t like she was in denial, she knew she had a problem- hell who didn’t know she had a problem. It just wasn’t clear to her how being shipped 3,000 miles away to her father was going to change anything. Especially when her father happened to be the infamous...

" Where are your bags?!"he barked out the words as if it would adjust her attitude into something more like how he wanted it to be. He might be able to mold the stars, but it wouldn’t be until pigs fly, that Johnny Wright would have any hand in molding his own child. He hadn’t tried in the last 17 years, and it tickled Lourdes to think that he thought he had any shot in trying now. She barely acknowledged him with her grimace, before curling back into her chair, completely dismissing him from her attention. If he thought his booming voice would get a rise out of her, he was better off staying quiet. She was not moved, and not at all touched, by his attempt to rile her up. If he hadn’t figured by now, she was going to be one hell of a challenge. Lourdes was sure he’d be sending her packing in little less than 48 hours.

" If you wanna go with just the clothes on your back, that’s fine by me." His voice hadn’t changed, but for the slight annoyance he allowed to penetrate through his words, as he crossed over to her and grabbed her by the arm. Lourdes didn’t expect for him to be quite so strong, after all, he was pushing 50 and didn’t look like he was in the best shape to be pushing her around. However, his appearance said nothing of his strength, and moments later she was lifted from her fetal position and dangling in an awkward fashion beside him. He had moved her so fast, that her sloppy ponytail had shaken loose, causing her thick ebony curls to fall down her back. She winced in pain, but said nothing. It was her plan to remain silent for as long as humanely possible, and then if- and when- she decided to speak it would be as if they wished for her silence. She wanted to yell, she wanted to tell him that she didn’t want to go and that she’d be better off lying on some swollen cot in the back of an institution somewhere than to be there with him. Only, she didn’t say such things, because anger was one misleading emotion. People always misconstrue the power of anger, it never left the receiving party reflecting on what you said- but on what you didn’t say. She didn’t want to give him the least bit of chance in understanding her, and she damn sure didn’t want him to happen upon any open wounds. If he cared, even in the least, that’s just what he’d find if he ever took the time to listen. But he didn’t have to worry, she’d never take the time to talk. She had long since given up talking about shit several years ago, and couldn’t fathom the idea of even remotely trying while in his care.

" You can make this hard Lori..."

" Lourdes. My name is Lourdes Washington." she growled, hoping that she proved to remind him that even though he helped to give her life, he had nothing mush else to do with it. She had adopted her mother’s name. She used to think it was for her protection, but she had since let go of that fantasy and realized it was for HIS protection. She wondered how many other bastard children this man had around the world, hell her mother just couldn’t have been the first and she damn sure wasn’t the last. She never asked though, she never wanted to break her mother’s heart since Natasha Washington always held her father in such high regards. What a fool in love, Lourdes had always thought, vowing to never become so smitten. She wouldn’t ever give someone the chance to do that to her, no- she’d never see that day.

" Lourdes." he sighed, his eyes looking tired and his body sagging in defeat. She turned her eyes from him, not willing to see him for anything but the monster she made him out to be. He wouldn’t win her over with a feigned concerned expression. " I’m trying baby...I know you don’t think I am...but we BOTH need this." his voice was pleading with her, but he had a better chance coaxing a tiger into submission, if he was looking for some sort of empathy. She didn’t need him feeling sorry for her, and there was no way and hell she would feel sorry for him. What she DIDN’T need was to be there, and what he DID need was some half ass effort to make up for the past seventeen years of her life in three measly months. If he thought he was saving her, he was surely wrong. He was doing anything but.

" Whatever." she sighed, pulling her arm from him and adjusting the black tank that had inched its way over her belly button. She shook the leg of her cargo pants and drew her unruly curls back up into an even sloppier bun. She ignored the grieving look her father donned, and instead knelt down to grab her tote. She knew she had no say in whether she went or not, but if she could prolong the inevitable, she’d do everything she could.

" Are you ready to meet the guys?"

"What guys?" she sighed, unbeknownst to which GUYS her father referred to. Was it the several hundred that floated about outside amiss all the preparation for touring or the eighty or so she passed in the halls, on her way to this secluded room. She vaguely remembered him mentioning the group of guys he must be referring to by some collective name, but she was just as disinterested in that conversation as she was in pretty much all conversation between them. She didn’t follow his career, felt fortunate that he didn’t manage any punk/rock alternative artists, and couldn’t tell you anymore than the stories she knew about New Kids On The Block- which was his happening band around the time her mother met him. He rolled his eyes, shook his head, and sighed heavily.

" Can you at least try..."

" No." she shrugged, wishing that the damn guard men who followed her night and day since she first joined up with her father didn’t find her stash. She was at least banking on a few pick me up highs to get her through. Now she had hope for nothing. She just prayed she didn’t get the itch for something while being paraded like a side show freak to all her father’s coworkers’ and clients. She doubted they even knew he had a daughter, much less one that has an uncontrollable itch for the white powder.

" Lenny is going to show you to the cafeteria, the guys are in there, please don’t embarrass me. I’ll be there shortly." He eyed her curiously, as if doing a once over, and then frowned. " Are you...do you..." She watched him sweat under uncertainty, he was probably trying to think of the best way to approach the "problem"- he probably wanted to know if she was on, or if she had some. She didn’t offer any help, she rather liked watching him fluster. " Have you done anything?"

" I don’t know what you mean." her face showed no sign of emotion, which ticked her father off even more.

" Lori..."

" Lourdes."

" Listen, I’m not going to pretend to understand why your on that...why you...look. It’s not good for you. I know you think your doing pretty good this far, but I’ve been in this industry long enough to know that shit eats you up after awhile. While your hear, there will be none of that. Do you understand?" His voice had taken on several different extremes during the course of his speech, but finally settled on stern. Lourdes rolled her eyes, not even sure why he had taken the time to explain. They both knew Lenny, and whatever other bull dozer she’d have as a bodyguard would invade every since of privacy she had and that alone meant no high time. Furthermore, this was suppose to be her ‘rehab’- the point of her being here was to take her out of her troubled environment and keep her grounded and clean in this one. She understood that she was here to help herself, but that also meant she wasn’t here to embarrass him. Whether he said so or not.

"Got it." she sighed, moving to follow behind Lenny, to be escorted down the hall and into the cafeteria to meet her father’s pride and joy.

He was fuming mad. He knew Lance had watched him eye that last blueberry muffin for well over 15 minutes. If he knew any better, he’d think that the blonde haired fool just grabbed it to piss him off even more. The boy probably didn’t even like blueberries, Justin Timberlake concluded while evilly eyeing his band mate Lance Bass- who sat directly across from him, smiling as he bit into the muffin.

" Damn you." Justin spewed, causing Joey Fatone and his brother Steve, seated beside him, to laugh. It wasn’t all that funny, Justin grimaced to himself, talking a hearty gulp of orange juice. He was just thinking of how sinfully tasteful that would have been had he been able to wash down the moist blueberry muffin with the fresh glass of orange juice he had just gotten for that purpose. Drinking now, he barely got the satisfaction that was suppose to be intended from it.

" You are such a brat." Lance spoke while stuffing the last crumb of the muffin into his mouth. Justin ignored him and silently hoped he choked on it. It would serve him right, he thought angrily, hoping that Allison- the cook- would whip up another batch. He looked over towards the serving table and just knew that the likelihood of that happening was slim to none.

" Why don’t you have a Bran muffin?" Joey teased, closing his mouth over a spoonful of raisin bran. Justin threw up in his mouth, wondering how it came to be that the hearty italian fell in love with "Bran" food, it was a far cry from pasta and sauce. He certainly didn’t LOOK like he ate "Bran" food.

" I’d rather eat shit for breakfast."

" Really?" Chris asked, taking a seat next to Steve, and dropping his plate off food onto the table. Justin didn’t even acknowledge him, instead he finished the entirety of his cup and reached for his glass of milk.

" I think he just said that ‘cuz he’s mad." Lance smiled, and winked towards Justin. It was too early in the morning to even respond so Justin opted to sit back and reflect in his own thoughts. He cursed himself for deciding to do so, since his thoughts were running rampant with the anticipation of touring well under way. They had exactly a week left before life as they knew it would begin, back on the road. It had been awhile since their last promotional tour, especially with all the drama surrounding Lou Pearlman and their inevitable switch to Jive Records. That, however, wasn’t the only aspect of Justin’s life that was in constant array. Then there was his "love life", and his PR agents breathing down his back. For the life of him, he just couldn’t understand why HIS love life- out of all the members of’NSYNC- was the one that received the most public scrutiny. Hell he was just barely 21, why the hell was that half of America wanted to see him settled down with their pop princess, and the other half despised him for it. Even more, why did anyone give two shits? He asked himself that question day and night. He loved his fans, and appreciated them for everything they had given him, but he did not think that allotted them the right to control his love life. And Britney Spears?! She was a sweet girl, really, truly, she was the best. Only, that didn’t mean Justin wanted her. Yet, that was never an issue that was addressed, or even acknowledged, when Johnny and Craig- Britney’s PR Agent- drew up the contracts that would result in the coming together of two of America’s biggest icons. When it was put into terms such as " Career breaking decision" if Justin opted against the plan, what other choice did he have but to oblige. Johnny had even gone so far as to mention the effect it would have on Justin’s future solo career, which would be heavily boosted with the now new set of fans that loved " Justin and Britney". It all sounded nice, but gotdamn!

" Can you please pass the salt." Justin was interrupted from his thoughts, a fortunate distraction- since they were headed no where pleasant, by Chris’ obtrusive high pitched voice. Looking at the spoonful of eggs that was now left on Chris’ plate, Justin wondered why the man needed any. He watched as Chris proceeded to pour the remaining contents of the half full salt shaker onto the tiny mountain of eggs. His stomach turned, and he almost cried when Chris began to eat them.

" Does anyone know who that girl is walking behind Johnny...?" Everyone followed Lance’s eyes to their approaching manager and the young woman walking beside him. She looked oblivious to her surroundings, her eyes sweeping past the group of them and then onto another part of the cafeteria. She looked angry, very much uncomfortable, but not star struck. Just who in the hell was she?

" Joey...what is this, baby momma number two?!" Chris exclaimed, and the whole table- excluding Joey- laughed. It caught the attention of the girl again, her honey brown eyes now boring into his, as she continued moving forward. He was taken aback by her outright stare, once again shocked to find that she wasn’t breaking towards them in the all too familiar fashion of a die hard fan. From the skeptical look she gave them, it was like she didn’t even know them.

" Damn she’s hot." Joey and Steve spoke in unison, and Justin gave her a once over. She had a nice body, her curves cleverly concealed under oversized cargo pants and a regular black tank. Her hair was a wild mess, with curls flying left to right, bouncing with every step she took. He had to give it to her, she was pretty damn sexy, even for 7:30 in the morning.

" In that case...she’s about to be baby’s momma number two!" Chris laughed just as the pair approached. Everyone bit back their laughter, as they stared expectantly towards their manager- awaiting him to introduce what they all assumed to be another fan.

" Good morning guys." Johnny sighed, his usually easy going demeanor far far away from the now hesitant stance he exhibited. Justin’s eyes lifted with intrigue as he exchanged looks with Lance- the muffin now all but forgotten.

" And?....." Chris encouraged, waiting for the introduction.

" This...this is Lori..."

" Lourdes." The girl spoke, of course cutting off Johnny, and returned each lingering stare. Justin, having met thousands of girls before, had yet to meet one that could stare them each in the eye without so much of a blink. She didn’t even appear to recognize any of them, which intrigued Justin even more. Surely she lived under a rock, if she didn’t know them. He wasn’t smug, just real. How often did he ever come across someone, even in Thailand, that didn’t know him.

" You look like a Lourdes." Chris smiled, nodding in agreement to his own remark. She smiled, briefly, and then returned back to her no nonesense expression.

" Is she a dancer..because if so...I would like to trade in Ann for her." Joey raised his hand, to grab Johnny’s attention, as if someone else was on the verge of saying the same thing. This time she didn’t laugh and just rolled her eyes, which somehow caused Justin to smile. She was different, and Justin was one of the very few that didn’t hate what he didn’t understand.

" You would be the one." Lance sighed, shaking his head, and dabbing at his mouth with a napkin. Justin adjusted himself in his chair, and decided that while she may be intriguing, he had other things to try and work through this morning- like how and the hell he was going to deal with the whole Brintey situation- and so quickly withdrew himself from the conversation.

He had begun playing with his toast, ignoring the arrival of his manager and the mystery girl, oblivious to the conversation at hand. He only tuned back in, when he thought he mistakenly overheard Johnny say that she was his daughter.

" Excuse me?" Justin leaned forward, his eyes squinting in confusion as he looked from the beautiful girl to his manager. She was Johnny’s what?

" Daughter. I’m his daughter." she didn’t seem to like him very much, in fact it was apparent that she didn’t by the way she rolled her eyes and dismissed him. What a bitch, Justin thought, now looking at her- finding his eye lingering a little to long in the area of her abdomen where her tank inched up.

" Wow." Chris breathed while Lance wore his shock on his face. Justin watched as Lourdes read their expressions, and couldn’t tell if she looked annoyed or angry. Finally, she dropped her hands to her side and exchanged a look with her father before turning and heading to another table. Justin took note that she sat in the table farthest in the corner, before turning back to his previous thoughts and completely dismissing her altogether.

As I Am

Chapter 2

She noticed him watching her even before he decided to walk over to her and introduce himself. She had hoped she didn’t give off the impression that she wanted to be bothered, because that would be more than misleading. She would be content, as she had been for the past week, sitting at her corner table in the cafeteria eating all of her meals alone. With the one glance she allotted herself during the course of his blatant staring, she realized she hadn’t seen him before and could only conclude that he was just intrigued. She figured he was just another hired hand, and dismissed him, regardless of the piercing gaze she still felt. It took him all of ten minutes to finally decide to come to her table, and Lourdes didn’t know if she entirely hated the fact that he decided to do so or not.

" Hey." his voice was smooth, like a song in the wind, unlike any other voice she heard before. She would say the curly haired blonde boy would have come close, but she was too annoyed with him to really appreciate - much less acknowledge- any of his fine qualities. In fact, she doubted he had any such qualities, not like the man that now stood before her smiling down at her. He carried his plate of food, and from the look of the steam floating above it, Lourdes could tell the plate was hot. She assured herself that was the reason why she allowed him to sit with her.

" You new here?" he asked, while moving his seat closer to the table. Lourdes wondered what it was about these people that they didn’t just immediately introduce themselves, but instead start up idle conversation. Like the other day, she ran into several other guys who all just assumed she would know them. They looked at her like she was crazy, when she looked at them like they were foreign. She later came to find that they were in fact members of a group called the Leftstreet..or whatever boys that were also signed with her father. She assumed, since he didn’t initially offer his name, that he was in fact a member of one of the groups her father managed.

" Yeah...just visiting." she eyed him suspiciously, trying to find a motive behind him talking to her.

" It’s nice to see a new face?" he had a really smooth way of dishing out the charm, so good that she didn’t realize she was smiling herself.

" Yeah. Well that’s all I’ve been seeing." she laughed when he stopped cutting his meat to look at her. Shock registered over his face and then curved into a handsome half smile.

" You mean...you don’t know..."

" No I don’t know you." She appreciated the fact that he at least attempted to reduce the vainness behind his words. He obviously hand some humbleness left, which couldn’t be said for the rest of them.

" Well..I’m Joshua Scott Chasez. Others call me JC. And you are?"

" I’m Lourdes. No one calls me anything, Joshua." she smiled relaxing even more as he laughed at her witty comment. She allowed herself to engage in aimless conversation with him, thankful for his kindness and his thoughtfulness to actually take the time and speak to her. Since she had been there, it was a more or less- speak when spoken to ordeal with everyone. That of course excluded Joey, Chris and Steve who seemed to always be ready to welcome her into any of their off beat conversations. She hadn’t seen much of Lance, he always seemed to be away doing something, but when she did see him he was a sweet hi and bye. The only person that she did see, quite frequently, was the one named Justin who acted as if the world balanced itself on the crack of his ass. HE never spoke, barely even looked at her, and acted like she didn’t exist. He’d been the one that frequented her father’s office the most, and she even heard him downstairs at Johnny’s house, one evening, in the midst of a heated discussion. She didn’t care enough to eavesdrop, and was sure she probably wouldn’t have a clue as to what they were talking about anyway, so couldn’t say exactly what it was that was going on with him. Either case, he didn’t have to be such a prick about it. But JC, or rather Joshua as she liked to call him, was another story. He was charming, sweet and a good listener. He asked her questions that no one else had dared asked her since she arrived. It seemed like he was the only one to take a special interest in her, and she appreciated that.

" So your mother, Ms. Natasha is dominican and black?" JC had long since finished his meal and was now leaned back in his chair listening to Lourdes ramble on about her mother.

" Yes. That’s where I get the eyes and hair from." She shrugged, looking down when she noticed JC taking note of them.

" Well your very beautiful." he breathed, his eyes showing his appreciation. Lourdes blushed under his gaze, and averted her gaze from him. She wasn’t used to such nice words coming from a man. The only men she encountered were dead weights and of course her father.

" Thank you. So are you." And he was, in every bit of the sense. He was a beautiful man. His jaw was chiseled, his eyes were a crystal clear blue and his lips were just....

" Damn man...we been waitin’ forever for you. What the hell?!" she didn’t even see him approach, but groaned inwardly when she recognized his voice from behind her. She had heard him talking enough this past week to know that it was Justin that now stood intruding upon their conversation.

" Yo chill...I just got caught up." JC sighed, his eyes warming when they turned to meet with Lourdes’. Justin, however, was not phased and in fact seemed to be even more angered by the revelation.

" For real tho, you couldn’t do this on your own time?" Justin still hadn’t acknowledged that she was there and instead focused all his attention on JC. Lourdes sighed inwardly, biting her lip so that she wouldn’t beg his pardon.

" Nah it coudn’t wait." All the while JC was ignoring him, his eyes settled on Lourdes- who shifted under his gaze. It wasn’t until Justin took note of this, that he turned his heated glare onto Lourdes. She couldn’t help but match his stare, unable to explain why he left such a bitter taste in his mouth. He looked her over, then dismissed her once again to turn back to JC. He was a complete asshole!

" Yo..I’m leavin in 20..you either come or you don’t." With that, Justin just stalked off, not even glancing once towards Lourdes- who sat there fuming underneath. How dare he act like she wasn’t even there, the audacity!

" I’m sorry about J..he’s a little rough." JC apologized, making no move to follow after Justin. Lourdes new that he probably had work to be doing, and besides she was starting to feel a little antsy with the itch slowly crawling up on her. She scratched her arm, and stood up abruptly, rubbing it against the length of her torso.

" You gotta itch?" JC laughed coyly, but Lourdes smiled hesitantly. If only he knew, she thought pulling her hair behind her ear.

" You should get going..I wouldn’t want Justin to get his panties all in a bunch." she tried to sound normal, but she was antsy and she was nervous and she was altogether just out of it. She needed to get home, and preoccupy herself, so that she wasn’t thinking about her itch, and she wasn’t thinking about JC’s pleasant company, and so that she could forget Justin altogether.

" That’s why I always suggest he go commando. He’s way to serious." JC laughed standing and taking her hand in his. Lourdes would have pulled away, but the touch of his lips against the back of her palm soothed her. " Can I see you again?"

" Sure." she swallowed hard, wondering just how and the hell was she going to pull that one off. Her father surely wouldn’t go for her mingling with his clients.

" Good." he backed away and headed out the entrance, leaving Lourdes standing there dazed. How could it be good when he didn’t even have her number? Just then he leaned back in, hanging on the side of the door, smiling like a little boy.

" I’ll call you."

The house was empty, dark, and very quiet when Justin pulled his car into the three car garage. He noticed none of his roommates were home, which was just as well, he needed some time to himself. He was tired, irritable and very much annoyed. He just wanted to relax, and forget about the pressing issues that has been clouding his mind. He just wanted to bask in the reverence of the silence that he found in his house. At least at home he wasn’t under the constant scrutiny of the free world, or continuously hassled about the actions that needed to be taken concerning his "love life", or stampeded by crowds of adoring fans. No he could come, relax, and do what he damn well pleased in the sanctity of his own walls. He briefly wondered on the whereabouts of his roomates- his best friend Trace Ayala and his older cousin Avery, but decided that it didn’t matter and just hoped where ever they were they’d come home with several cases of beer. He settled into his favorite chair and flicked the channel right to Tivo. He didn’t doubt that on every other channel he was destined to find a photo of him plastered across screen, or several commercials by chance. He knew better than to settle in and watch regular tv unless he wanted to headache that would soon follow. He had planned to watch every episode of House that would bring him up to date with the season, but was pissed to find that Trace had erased them all so that he could Tivo Laguna Beach. Justin decided that it couldn’t hurt to watch the news, perhaps maybe he would dip off into a nice tranquil sleep, when his phone began to vibrate on his lap. He thought about just ignoring it, maybe whoever it was would take the hint and leave him alone. The didn’t take to well, since the little black device hadn’t stopped ringing since it started. With a reluctant sigh, Justin turned the phone to face him. Johnny.

" Wassup."

" J have you signed the papers?" One thing about Johnny, was that when it came to business he got right to the point. And he was persistent, he was not letting up on this issue.

" Nah."

" You gotta do this man."

" Yeah, it seems that way." Jutsin groaned, not at all hiding the fact that he didn’t want to do this thing in the first place. He still wasn’t ok with the fact that he’d be signing away his freedom and right into a 2 year commitment in which he would play the part of Britney’s boyfriend. They were barely friends. The only thing the had in common was that they both had starred on the Mickey Mouse Show. But so had Keri Russell Christina Aquilera, but you didn’t see their publicist banging down his door and forcing him into a contract.

" You have until tomorrow J." The phone went dead and Justin just stared forward, completely lost of the relaxed demeanor he had previously found himself in. Standing up, he decided he couldn’t wait on Trace and Avery, he had to get his drink on now.

He knew he’d find them there, leaning against the rail of the VIP section while they stared at all the nameless faces below them. He wondered if they ever just wished they could go down there, be apart of the simple life, and not be restricted to their lavish floor furnished with velvety soft chaise lounges and mirrored walls. Justin scanned the area, recognizing almost everyone in the small area. He wasn’t impressed with the faces, and so joined his group over by the railing that separated the elite from the unknown.

" Hey...I thought you were in for the night?" Joey was on his way off to the dance floor, and thus noticed Justin approaching first. Justin offered a half shrug and accepted the unopened bottle of beer before Joey moved passed him. Without a moments hesitation, Justin popped the cap and threw back a large portion of the beverage. When he went to gasp for air, he realized he had damn near finished it’s contents. He nodded his head towards Chris, who had just flung his arm around an eager blonde, as he moved to a more discrete area. Justin wished he had it in him to pull one of the many women he knew without a doubt were staring at him, be he just didn’t feel like the hassle. Maybe later, maybe not at all. What he did know for sure though, was that he;d be having another drink. He slid off the stool he’d popped a squat on, and headed towards the crowded bar. Out the corner of his eye he saw her dancing slowly, completely in sync with the slow wind the music followed as it came through the surrounding speakers. He meant to just glance over, just because she happened to have caught his eyes, but he realized a moment later that he had completely stopped and was now staring. Lourdes had her head cocked back, with her eyes closed and her hands placed on top of whose ever hands stood behind her guiding her hips. A seductive smile played off her lips and she looked like she was damn near about to climax, with the slight parting of her lips unveiling the pink flesh of her tongue, her mouth looking as if it was beckoning him to come and taste her.

" Yo...you good?" Justin didn’t realize he was standing in the middle of traffic flow to the bar, and almost ignored the voice behind him if it hadn’t been that he recognized the voice as Avery. He turned to see his equally tall cousin grinning at him, his dark blue eyes searching Justin’s.

" Yeah man. I just thought I saw someone." Justin looked back to Lourdes and instantly recognized JC as the man who stood behind her. Not at all the one to partake in someone else’s grove, and not the least bit interested in doing so, Justin moved to follow Avery to the bar to grab another beer.

" Isn’t that JC?" Avery asked once they found themselves seated on two open stools. Justin didn’t even glance back over, but just kept his eyes on the TV screen that flashed scenes from the nights basketball game.

" Yea." he said cooly, taking another swig of his beer.

" Whose the girl?"

" Johnny’s daughter." Justin didn’t know why Avery was so interested, especially when he didn’t feel up to discussing JC’s mack game. If the boy wanted to step on toes and go after Johnny’s bitch of a daughter, that was his business. Justin wanted no part in the trouble she’d inevitably bring, plus her attitude just about killed any consideration on his part. As far as he was concerned, she was just a spoiled brat, and if JC couldn’t see past her smoldering hazel eyes or luscious pink lips than that was his problem. Not Justin’s.

" Damn she could get it." Avery was still watching her, and for some reason that annoyed Justin. There were plenty of other girls his cousin could be taking the time to lust after, why in the hell was he so transfixed by Lourdes?

" I’m sure she’s about to." Justin smirked, standing up to make his way to other side of the room. Surely Trace was over there laying his mack down hard on some willing female, and not so preoccupied with watching Lourdes and JC. He finished his beer, catching another glimpse of JC and Lourdes’ scandalous dance, before setting the bottle on the counter. With a disgusting taste in his mouth, Justin walked away putting the distance between him and them.

As I Am

Chapter 3

The itch was intolerable. All she wanted was a quick hit, anything, just a small ounce to set her back on track and help her finish out her day. It was inconceivable, really, for her to even imagine how she would get through the rest of the day without it. She couldn’t even see past the next five minutes. She glared at the two heavy weights lurking in the shadows behind her, as she stood rubbing the side of her arm by the pool. She had dipped her feet in, thinking it would cool the rising heat now flushing over her body. That didn’t work, in fact it only made the itch stronger. She just wanted one hit.

" Do you need some sunblock?" She was so caught up in her on little world that she didn’t realize he was in fact talking to her. She had watched him come from out the side entrance and even watched him discard all his clothing until only his swimming trunks were left. She didn’t let herself appreciate the smooth lines of muscles that donned his chest, or the crafty tattoo that was perfectly crafter on his left bicep. Instead, she had glanced quickly, before her eyes went glassy and her thoughts went haywire. She hadn’t spoke more than two words to him since she been there, and after two weeks, she hadn’t even considered that he would make any attempt to talk to her now. So it wasn’t until Justin stood directly in front of her, holding a bottle of St. Tropics Island Sun Tan Lotion towards her, that she broke her previous train of thought. She stared at the lotion, then back at him, waiting for the situation to process within her. Her mind was jumbled, and she wasn’t focusing, it took her moment to realize he was offering her sun tan lotion because he assumed the deepening red mark on her arm came from sun burn.

"Here, you need it." he opened the bottle and turned it upside down, waiting for her to open her palm.

" I don’t." but she opened them anyway, and let the coolness of the lotion pile up in her hands. She wish he had something more to offer, something stronger. But the fact that he was even offering her this, shunned her into silence and she just watched as he lathered himself up. She had come out to the pool first, growing bored inside the studio. She never understood why Johnny had a pool at the studio, but on this hot and boring day she was thankful. He had arrived shortly after, but had opted to sit on the only other chair on the other side of the pool- away from her- instead of in any one of the seven beside her. She ignored him then, like she had all week, and decided that the boy just had an all day every day attitude, that had nothing to do with her. She wasn’t going to lose sleep if he didn’t talk to her, she would -though- if she didn’t find a way to get rid of her fucking itch.

" You looked like you were about to scratch your skin off." His back was turned to her, which is why her voice surprised her all the more. The fact that he had been watching her and noticing that alarmed her as well as intrigued her. When did he ever take notice in her?

" Yeah. I have sensitive skin." and no resistence, she thought to herself as she began to smooth the lotion over the soar spot on her arm.

" So why are you out here?" he still hadn’t turned around, in fact to anyone else it looked like she was holding a conversation with herself. He damn sure had a lot of questions all of a sudden, and if he was going to ask them he could at least turn to look at her.

" Why do you care?"

" I don’t." he smirked and stretched his arms over his head. Every muscle in his body seemed to have contracted with that very movement, alarming Lourdes when she realized her own body’s reaction. At that moment she was thankful his back was still to her, she didn’t want him to think he had any effect over her.

" I needed some air." she saw that he was about to jump in and so answered before he did so. The muscles in his leg and shoulders relaxed, as he stopped himself and turned to look at her. Lourdes didn’t know if it was the sun, and the way it touched his eyes, but somehow it looked like he stared at her through a pair of sapphire diamonds. She felt the pull in her stomach, as an inward groan moved through her chest, down her stomach to her...

" Maybe you should put it all over then. It looks pretty bad there." Her hand instinctively went to her forearm, and she hoped he wouldn’t come any closer. The lotion had helped, but it also made the scars she dug into her flesh all the more visible. She didn’t know why she wasn’t comfortable under his stare, she didn’t know why she wished he wouldn’t come any closer. " Does this usually happen?" he was walking towards her, his eyes squinting in the sunlight. She moved up so that her back was now erect against the lounge chair, placing her hand over her forearm in attempt to shield the scars.

" Yeah, I’m like worse than michael jackson." she attempted a laugh, but it didn’t make it pass her throat the moment he touched her. He had taken a seat on the lounge right beside her, and grabbed for her arm. His eyes flashed his concern, before they abruptly moved towards the cause of it. She tried to gently pull her arm back, but he held it in place, causing a wave of insecurity to wash over her. He examined her arm, his hand grazing her flesh, stopping whenever she winced in pain. The itch was now driving her crazy, causing her to shift uncomfortably in her chair, she could feel the beads of sweat starting to cover her body. She was nervous and very much anxious, she needed something fast.

" This doesn’t look like sunburn." His eyes moved back up to hers, searching for an explanation. She offered none, not really knowing what to say. Everyone else assumed it was sun burn, why couldn’t he just accept that it was? The one time he decides to talk to her, and he’s questioning the very thing she didn’t have an answer for. There was no way she would give him the truth, not when he already looks at her like the dirt beneath his shoe. Only today was different, he had the same air about him, but the way his eyes looked deep into hers- the way his concern spread across his face, almost touched her heart. Almost.

" Yeah well it is. " she snatched her arm back and placed her hand back over the reddened area. She didn’t care if he didn’t buy it, he wasn’t someones opinion she really cared for.

"You should be careful." he had turned his eyes back towards the pool, his appearance looked disinterested, though his words were powerful and full of warning. Lourdes ignored him, unable to properly attend to the sudden surge of curiosity that filled her concerning him. She didn’t understand him, and pretty much decided that she didn’t want to. She had her own problems, and adding him as another one was just not an option for her.

" I am." she hissed, standing to grab her towel and leave. She hoped his blazing blue eyes were still watching the pool, and not her as she all but ran towards the door. She couldn’t help but look back, just one last time before stepping inside. Sure enough, his eyes were on her.

The day by the pool was the only reminder that Justin had actually known she existed. Aside from that lone encounter, Lourdes couldn’t think of one other time where he had even so much as glanced her way. That day was strange all on its own, and then she had him and his sudden interest in her to try and figure out. She was doing just that when she felt two strong arms snake around her waist and pull her body against them. Taking in his musky scent, Lourdes already knew that it was JC.

" Joshua." she smiled and leaned her head against his chest. She could feel him laugh, and relished in the warm feeling of him. He was so comfortable, so welcoming.

"How are you today beautiful?" he turned her around in his arms and placed a small kiss on her forehead. Lourdes closed her eyes and sighed, he was adoring, and it made her feel special

"Confused." she gathered her eyebrows together in deep thought, which only made JC laugh as he pushed a few stray curls behind her ear. Lourdes loved when he touched her, it was the sweetest of sentiments, a feeling she wasn’t used to.

" Don’t fret too much over it. It’ll give you wrinkles."

" Wow. If that wasn’t cheesy." Lourdes laughed moving to take a seat in the swivel chair beside them. Like she spent most of her days, Lourdes found herself trapped within the walls of Wright Studios. Although it wasn’t much to look forward to, it was a far cry from the boredom guaranteed if she were to stay at home. Her father was a busy man, and of the two weeks she’s been there, she may have seen him twice. He was gone more than he was there, which made no never mind to Lourdes. It just meant she was free to do what she wanted. Only there wasn’t much to choose from, since her only source of entertainment came from whatever she found in the studio. Since ‘NSYNC was prepping for their promotional tour, they were in the studio night and day. Although her closest ties were with JC, she was beginning to warm up to the rest of them- all excluding Justin. He still acted as if she were a fixture in a room, like that day by the pool never happened. She wondered what she would do when they finally left for tour, and she was stick there by herself.

" Hey lovebirds!" Chris called out to them. He was walking down the hall, and couldn’t remember which conference room they were in, so decided to do a general call out. Rolling their eyes, JC and Lourdes poked their heads out and smiled at Chris.

" Damn you got good timing." JC teased, as if him and Lourdes were in the middle of something hot.

" Oh gosh...did you grab my panties?" Lourdes winked towards Chris who hall but shit two bricks. JC and Lourdes stumbled out of the conference room laughing, at the crazy expression on Chris’s face

" You two are disgusting." he sneered, then straightened his mouth. " Which is why it is SO important that I invite you guys to the impromptu cookout over J’s house."

" I’m game." JC shrugged. Lourdes looked between the two and bit her lip. She wasn’t quite sure if she was even welcomed, it wasn’t like Justin was nice to her.

" Lourdes?"

" I..."

" She’s coming." JC answered for her, before she could protest. Chris, satisfied with the answer, bounced down the hall to spread the word. JC grabbed her hand and pulled her back into the conference room. Once they were alone, he slowly backed her up against the door and placed his hands on either side of her head. The look he gave her warmed her soul and touched her heart in such a way that all she could do was sigh.

"Don’t worry about Justin." he whispered against her cheek placing a light kiss on it before moving to catch her lips. Lourdes just nodded, his words easing her anxiety as his kiss moved over her lips and gently moved them. He was so soft, so subtle, it felt like rose petals were brushing lightly against her lips. It was the first time he ever kissed her since they met, and she realized that she really enjoyed the kiss. She enjoyed him. She loved his conversation and the consideration he always showed her. He was always attentive, always engaged in her. She knew without having to really know his popularity in the world, that his attentions toward her were special. When he pulled away from her, she just looked at him, a pleasant smile spread across her face.

"What was that for?" she beamed up at him, his eyes smiled down at her.

" I couldn’t help myself." he breathed before kissing her again. She fell into the kiss, allowing him to press her body against his and lift her off the floor. He carried her to the center table, her legs wrapped around his torso, and placed her on it so that she know sat eye level with him.

She knew any minute someone could come storming through the door, and they did.

" Whoa." they quickly broke apart and turned to see Justin standing there with his mouth dropped open and his eyes glazed over in shock. JC made no move to leave from in between her open legs, which made Lourdes a little embarrassed as she sat staring at Justin. He held her gaze briefly, then just as quickly dismissed her and turned to JC.

"We’re out. Chris told me to come tell you." his voice was normal, a regular pitch, but Lourdes could have sworn she heard something else behind it. He didn’t wait for a response, just backed out of the room and closed the door. Lourdes was happy to see him leave, and it wasn’t until the door slammed shut, that her heart returned to its normal pace. Something about Justin Timberlake made her uneasy, and for the life of her, she couldn’t figure what it was.

As I Am

Chapter 3

" Your not going." Johnny didn’t even raise his head from the paperwork he was engrossed in as he offered his answer. Lourdes just stared at him through glass eyes, her disdain hidden just beneath. What exactly did he have for her to do, that she couldn’t go to the barbeque. There was hardly anyone left in the studio and it was Saturday afternoon for goodness sake. She’d been there everyday, all day for the past two and half weeks. She was tired of staring at the same four walls having damn near memorized the golden plaques that lined the hallways. She knew the exact date and single of each artist who ever went platinum under the supervision of Johnny Wright. Aside from JC and the guys, she talked to noone, and now that they were heading out she wanted to go with him.

" I wasn’t asking you. I was telling you." Which was true. She only came by to tell him that she’d be taking her driver to Justin’s and that was where she would be if he , by chance, decided to go looking for her. She didn’t need his permission, she had yet to even establish him as an authoritative figure in her life.

" And I’m TELLING you no." he spoke as if his words were final, like she had no choice in the matter. She didn’t want to get mad, as far as he would be concerned- she was void of all emotion. But she didn’t find it fair, why couldn’t she go.

" It’s just a cook out. Not an orgie, I’m so tired of this gotdamn studio!" she raised her voice, but not to the height that she would have likened to. He finally raised his eyes to meet hers, they were cold as ice and even less enthused by her attitude.

"You watch your language when your talking to me. Now if your bored, go to the mall."

" The mall?! Why when I was invited to a cookout." She couldn’t understand why he was so against her going to hang out with them. He’d observed her talking with them several times during the past few weeks, why was he all of a sudden acting like a prick when he had no problem before.

" Because the last thing I need is for your face to be across the fucking Tribune linked with any one of them. They would rip you apart." The moistness that crept into her eyes wasn’t a result of her fear of the tabloids, but her understanding of him not wanting the world to know about her. He could say it was because she’d be slaughtered because of any connection to the men of ‘NSYNC, but she always believed it was what a person didn’t say that truly mattered.

" You’re an asshole." she whimpered, her voice cracking with emotion, as she turned out to leave. She ignored her call out to him and hoped that Lenny didn’t take notice to her sudden departure. She found him leaned against the wall, towards the opposite end of the hall, talking on a cell phone. She slipped out the side exit, and hoped that at least one of the guys were still in the parking lot so that they could give her a ride. She doubted her father would catch on, for he wouldn’t even think to go looking after her. He had his work.

Justin pulled his S.U.V. into the parking lot of Wright Studios, and cursed himself for having left his cell phone in the recording booth. He double parked and hopped out to retrieve the device, hoping that he’d be lucky enough to slip by unnoticed. He was already late to his own barbeque, and the sooner he got there, the sooner he could relax and unwind. He wondered how much of that he’d be able to do, since he knew that Britney planned on being there and he would some how be coaxed into discussing their "arrangement". He hadn’t planned a diversion, but knew that something had to be done to interfere, because that was just a conversation he was not looking forward to having. As long as time would allow, he would avoid it. Like he avoided most things. His mind was just about to take an unnecessary trip when he noticed Lourdes slipping out the side of the building. He allowed his eyes to scan over her frame and ignored the pull he felt in his stomach. She wore a simple graphic tee and low rise fringe top jeans. He could see the imprint of a thong on either side of her jeans. His mouth moistened at the sight of her, and he adjusted his shades hoping that Armani came through and shielded his eyes. She didn’t notice him, as she was scanning the parking lot, until he pulled open the door to his S.U.V.

" Hey....Justin, wait." he heard the hesitation in her voice, and thought it would be overly rude to climb into the car. The least he could do was stop and see what she wanted. She jogged over to him, her thick curls blowing in the wind, while her supple breast bounced with every step. He tore his eyes from the obvious and instead focused on her hesitant expression. She was beautiful, painstakingly beautiful. " Can I get a ride with you?" he knew enough to know that Johnny had set her up with her own driver, so why was she needing a ride.

" Where’s your driver?" he sounded rude, but he was really just curious. She frowned at his response and rolled her eyes, obviously regretting asking him in the first place.

" Well do you have Joshua’s number?" Justin just looked at her, his face blank. He wasn’t sure why it bothered him so much, but he didn’t like the idea of JC and Lourdes. He had enough on his mind to ever venture into why. When he made no gesture to give it, she sighed heavily in frustration. " Look, if you don’t want me to go just say it!" This time he couldn’t control the smile that spread across his face, she looked damn sexy when she got mad. It didn’t matter that she was angry with him, it mattered that his palms started to sweat at just the sight of her angry with him.

" I don’t want you to go." he was being rude, but hell he was being honest. He figured he’d have enough stressors attending his party to just add her on the list. He knew, whether he understood it or not, that he’d catch himself watching her all night and grow frustrated when everytime he caught her she would be with JC.

" You’re an ass." she wanted to be angry, but in the same respect- Justin could tell- she wanted to go. He imagined she was bored with the studio and even more bored with her confinement. He felt sorry for her, he did, but he would never admit it. He could tell there was something more going on in the inside of her, he couldn’t figure what- but he knew it was something. No one damn nears scratches their skin off and blame in on sun burn.

" I’ve heard worse."

" Look, I’m desperate." her eyes pleaded with him, and if only she knew the effect she was having on him she would just jump right in the passenger seat. But she didn’t, and he had his shades on.

" What did you tell Lenny?" he figured she didn’t even think to tell her body guard anything, seeing as though he was nowhere in sight. Justin had been hip to the missing in action game for quite some time, and knew that you had to pay off the guard or your ass was caught.

" I..nothing. My father won’t let me go." she sighed and she looked so adorable, it weakened Justin though he didn’t want it to. He figured Johnny wouldn’t want her around them in public, and for some reason he knew it had much more to do with something else besides the tabloids. He watched her face cloud over in defeat and was thankful that she stood several feet away from him.

" Get in the car." he instructed, unlocking the passenger door and turning to head back into the building. She didn’t say a word as she watched him disappear into the studio, and reappear several minutes later. He only glanced towards her as he stepped into the driver side and started the car. Lourdes noticed Lenny and her driver leaving as Justin pulled his S.U.V. out of the parking lot. She was surprised that he was able to do whatever he did to get them to leave like that, now she knew she definitely didn’t have to worry about her father crashing in on her.

" What did you do?" She couldn’t stop herself from asking, just like she couldn’t stop herself from staring at his profile. He was so sexy and sultry that she almost couldn’t stand to watch him. It was like every move he made caused a deliberate trigger of sensation to run through her body. He was smoldering, and in very much a good way. Lourdes could understand why he was the favorite of the group. He was looking a little rustic, allowing his five o clock after shadow to take over. His hair had decreased in height and color and now looked more natural and subtle on top of his head. She couldn’t see his eyes, even if he was looking at her, because he kept them cleverly hidden behind shades. She thought to herself how she should probably invest in some, she needed to be a little more discrete when it came to him.

" I told him you’d be with me and to say otherwise." his answers were always so simple, so blatant. He was nothing like how she saw him on tv. He seemed like he was always smiling, always joking, but in reality he seemed much more reserved. She wondered if it was just around her, or was he like that with everyone. She ignored the way her heart jumped when he said she was with him, she knew he didn’t mean it in that possessive way, but it sounded good.

" I’ll have to remember that." she sighed, wishing her heart would fall back to its normal pace. Her reaction to him was strange, and very much uncontrollable. She didn’t like the effect he had on her.

" Yea." he said very few words, which was hard to believe since it appeared that he was always deep in thought. She wondered what he thought about, and why she thought about it so much. What was going on with him, more importantly what was going on with her? Not only did she not understand him, but she didn’t understand why she was so concerned. The only inclination that he ever gave her that he even knew she existed happened about a week ago, and it wasn’t a memorable experience. It only reminded her of her itch, and she did all she could to not bring her thoughts to that. She already had enough on her plate, thinking about her itch that couldn’t be soothed only added to it.

" How’s your arm?" like always, he didn’t deviate from his usual disinterested self, so his question completely caught her off guard. He was still staring straight ahead, as if he never even asked the question, which made Lourdes think twice before answering.

" It went away." she lied, she knew it was only in remission, and that the itch would be back soon enough to haunt her causing her once again to attack her flesh. She subconsciously moved her hand over the sensitive area, it was still red but not as badly bruised when he first saw it. She thought it odd that he even noticed, most people never did- or at least never said anything.

" It still looks like its there." She looked at him, her eyes squinting in confusion. Exactly how did he know that, when he never bothered to look at her. How could he notice something as unnoticeable as her forearm when it never appeared that he payed any attention to her.

" It’s healing."

" It’s been a week." he finally glanced over at her, when he brought his S.U.V. to a traffic light. His eyes didn’t stay long, as they instantly moved to something else just passed her. She didn’t bother to sigh, she was used to him dismissing her. She also ignored his prodding, frankly it was none of his business and the fact that she never really decided on how to explain her condition to anyone didn’t help in the matter. She looked out the window and noticed the beautiful houses that began to line the street, obviously they were near his home, since they had long since left the buys streets and were now riding through a residential area in town. She appreciated the silence, when before it used to unsettle her. She wasn’t ready to talk about her arm, or her itch, with anyone- let alone Justin. Lourdes couldn’t even believe that the one person who payed absolutely no attention to her would be the one to notice something when everyone else never mentioned it. Maybe he was just weird like that. He did spend all day to himself, it seemed, so why wouldn’t he pay attention to minute details. She recognized Chris’ car first when they pulled onto another street that had been filled with cars, the house that appeared before her was unlike any she’d seen on the drive to it. It was huge, spectacular and looked to take up the entire block all on its own. She could hear the music emerging from the backyard, even with Justin’s windows up. There must have been at least 300 people, for they were coming in and out of the house, surrounding the cars and the grassy knoll around the house. She was speechless, she recognized some but didn’t know most. She was sure the night would be unlike any other she spent in Orlando thus far.

" You comin’ in?" she didn’t even realize the car was parked, or that Justin had stepped out of it, so entranced was she by her surroundings. She stumbled out of the car and ignored the half smile that played off his lips.

" This is your house?" she cooed, amazed at the size of it. It was bigger than her father’s house. She didn’t even bother to look over towards Justin, who she was sure wouldn’t provide an answer- whether the question was rhetorical or not. She was beginning to accept his indifference towards her. Instantly she could see the crowd began to move towards her and Justin, her eyes began to grow since she had no idea what to do next. She was frozen in place even before Justin placed his hand on the small of her back and pushed her forward against the crowd. She followed his lead and was amazed at how the crowd parted as he pushed her through them. It seemed like several people were calling to him all at once, and she didn’t dare turn to him to see his reaction, instead she just moved forward and focused on not concentrating on the heat that came off of his touch. When they made it to inside of his house, the crowd seemed to grow much larger. This time his hand came around her waist and he guided her through the masses towards the terrace. Lourdes watched as Justin vaguely acknowledged the people coming up to him, and wondered how he managed to get them back outside so quickly. Once on the terrace, she noticed it was less of a crowd and realized that she recognized many of its occupants. In the far corner she saw JC, Lance and another man, who had similar features to Justin, leaning against the balcony. As soon as JC met eyes with her, she realized Justin dropped his hold on her and disappeared to the other side of the room. It didn’t take her long to recover from the absence of him, though it took her a moment, before she made her way over to JC.

" I was beginning to think you changed your mind." he smiled down at her, pulling her into a light kiss, before turning to introduce her to the man beside him. " Hey Ave..this is her. Lourdes Washington." From the approving look that he gave her, Lourdes could tell she was the topic of conversation at one point between them.

" You know it’s not fair." Chris sighed, although from the look in his eye she could tell he was playing. " Between you and J...yall take all the GOOD ones." Lourdes laughed at his feigned pouting and moved to place a flirtatious kiss on his cheek. The man named Avery laughed with JC as Chris blushed beet red.

" You all right there old man?" Joey asked walking up to Chris, a half empty beer and another unopened one filled his hands. Lourdes couldn’t remember a time when she didn’t see Joey without one hand wrapped around a half finished beer and another one ready to be started. He was the posterman for a ‘Good Time’.

" Lourdes got him blushing." JC teased, pulling Lourdes back into him so that her body now rested against his. Lourdes cocked an eye towards Joey, then glanced down at the beer. Joey laughed as he took a swig of his own, and then handed her the unopened one.

" Hey aren’t you a minor?" Lance, who was sitting at the table in front of them, called out to her.

" I’ll never tell." Lourdes winked and popped the top to the beer and took a nice long swig. She didn’t realize they had all settled there laughing and decided to watch her partake in her drink, until she brought her head back down and met eyes with them. From the look they all gave her, she could tell they were enjoying her drinking, more than she was.

" Perverts." she smirked, shaking her head. They all looked at each other and agreed, before laughing and settling into light conversation. Lourdes was only half paying attention to the conversation around her, for she found herself more interested in the scene around her. She noticed the A-List celebrities floating through the party, not caring to name them since she never payed much attention to them otherwise. Many of the woman- some famous, and many not- had made it a point to meet eyes with her so as to wrinkle their nose in a fashion to display their disdain. She laughed most of them off, not caring who they were and what they thought. If they thought she looked ridiculous, she wondered how they felt standing around in lingerie and stilettos trying to grab the guys attention. As her eyes moved about the crowd, she noticed Justin sitting near the door on a chaise lounge, talking to a stacked blonde girl. The way his smile played off his lips and the sensual way the girl moved towards him, convinced Lourdes that he had been offering more than just conversation. She was intrigued to see how he acted around others, especially females, since he did not act that way at all with her. She found that she began comparing herself to the blonde bombeshell who held Justin’s attention in the cattiest of ways. For instance, she noticed that the blondes nose was slightly larger than should have been while her nose was perfectly symmetrical with her face. Or how often the blonde seemed to be pushing up her chest, when her own sat perfectly swelled in the most perkiest of fashion. What was so interesting about the girl that had Justin lowering his eyes, smiling, and licking his lips? It didn’t dawn on her that perhaps she should- once again- try and be discreet with her interest, afterall she was across the room and it wasn’t likely that anyone would notice. Everyone seemed to be preoccupied with getting someone else’s attention, and besides she was just looking. She was about to turn, growing unsettled with the way he seemed to keep licking his lips and touching the girls thigh, when she noticed the strangest thing. His eyes seemed to have glossed over with a look of satisfaction and a hint of unnerving passion that sent juices flowing in her most secret places, she noticed this because they were looking at her.

"You ok?" she felt JC’s hands move to her stomach and it was then that she realized she gasped. Swallowing hard, she assured that she was and returned back to the conversation at hand. She didn’t dare look over in his direction, not at the risk of meeting with his eyes again.

As I Am

Chapter 5

He should have left twenty-nine minutes ago, four minutes before he even walked through the door to partake in this ridiculous fiasco. He shouldn’t have even pulled into Wright Studio’s parking lot, he shouldn’t have even wasted his gas.

" So if you’d just sign right here." Justin would have liked to just slam the shit out of Craig Polmeroy’s head into the table at which they sat. His eyes instantly went to Britney’s, she sat directly across from him smiling hesitantly. He hadn’t seen her in months since the beginning of her promotional tour, and that was only in passing. He looked at her, wondering how her publicist and Johnny expected him to pull a relationship out of his ass. He didn’t have any strong feeling for her, hell he barely even tolerated her. She wasn’t his first choice in companionship by far. Justin couldn’t even remember the last conversation they had. Now they wanted him to walk around as if her shit smelled like roses and he drank her bath water every night. How and the hell was he supposed to do that?

" This is serious?" it was a rhetorical question on his part, since it was very evident that everyone seated around the table held the same serious expression. He had prolonged the inevitable by at least three days, and still it did nothing to sway anyone away from going through with this. Not even Britney.

" Brit..come on, you can’t want this. You deserve someone who is really gonna love you." Justin started to plead with her, taking her hand into his and hoping that she’d stop fading out of reality and at least say something in her own defense. Instead, she just smiled absently and shrugged, her eyes never revealing any type of raw emotion.

" Let’s just see where this goes." her voice was monotone, her expression even more dry. Justin wanted to smack some sense into her, was she that far gone that she couldn’t see he had no interest in her whatsoever.

" This is a contract to make me love you." he spat, his face twisted into disgust, hoping that even then she might realize what she was getting into. He didn’t mean to appear so ruthless, but he’d been easy going up until this point. If they were going to force his hand on this, he’d loose this battle with a fight.

" Don’t be so dramatic Justin. It’s a contract that will boost your career." Craig sighed. He exchanged a look with Johnny, and then turned towards Britney.

" Honey, you can sign first." Craig pushed the papers over to her, and Justin watched in dismay as she scribbled her signature on the dotted line. She didn’t even blink once as she did so. How could she want this? Once she finished, her glassy eyes looked up to meet Justin’s and she pushed the contract towards him. A pitiful smile spread across her face, and Justin’s heart broke at the sight of her. The girl that sat across from him was no longer the bubbly face pre teen he once made fun of because she used to write his name on notebooks with little hearts surrounding it. She was no longer the developed teen who hit the scene with such a force that it took two years before any other new female solo act could break any mold. She sat before him, a manufactured product of her public relations team, a lost soul. He vowed he would never let the industry eat him up that way and spit him out, which was why he was so against this "union".

" Think of it as a marriage of success." Johnny coaxed, his voice low and soothing, " Your both guaranteed to win, and your only doing this for the fans. You can still have your own lives- they’ll just have to be lived discreetly." he pushed the pen towards Justin, his words never faltering. " You’ll just need to take extra precaution, which is a necessary step for any celebrity. You need this Justin. Your solo career needs this." Justin’s heart sank as he listened to the words. He didn’t even want to think about his solo career, it only reminded him that ‘NSYNC wouldn’t last forever. He couldn’t even imagine how the guys would feel if they knew he and Johnny had been working so hard behind close doors to prepare for his solo debut. Johnny was even letting him take the complete lead on one of their singles for the next album, something that had never happened before. He didn’t want to think of the consequences that would soon follow when ‘NSYNC finally fell apart. " Go ahead son, sign your name." Justin closed his eyes, and sucked back his breath. He felt like he was signing the devil’s contract with his own blood. He pushed the paper away from him, when he finished, and stood up to leave the room. He wanted a way out, but knew he had already signed his way in.

Lance stood patiently behind Joey in line at the breakfast bar, hoping the heavy Italian would just give up on trying to scoop up a clump of raisins with every spoonful of dry raisin bran he dished into his empty bowl. He wanted to tell the man that advertising is just a minute long bull shit sales ad and that if he wanted that many raisins, he was better off buying a box and dumping it on top of his cereal. However, Lance was a patient man, and instead he just watched and suffered.

" Why don’t you have a little cereal with your raisins." Chris sighed from behind Lance, clearly irritated by Joey’s shenanigans. Lourdes chuckled from behind Chris, rolling her eyes at the three men in front of her. She wondered where Justin was, not that it really mattered since it was likely that he’d be in a bad mood and sulking anyway. The week was winding down, and on Sunday they’d be leaving for the second promotional tour. She frowned when she thought about how lonely she would be when they left, and even more how much she would miss JC. She glanced back towards the table and smiled at the way their eyes met, he was already looking at her. She winked playfully, then turned back to the three men before her. She was really going to miss them. The thought crossed her mind to go with them, but she knew without even having to ask that the answer would be a surefire no. She could just imagine the hernia her father would develop just picturing her spread across the front page linked to one of them in some crazy fashion. No sooner than that would America realize Johnny Wright had an illegitimate daughter, and that would not happen as long as Johnny could control it.

" Look what the wind blew in." Lance smirked shaking his head in the direction of a brooding Justin. Without so much as a head nod, Lourdes watched, as Justin made his way through the dining area. He went directly to his seat, mumbled a few words to JC, then leaned back in his chair and started bobbing his head to whatever music blared through the headhpones of his I-pod. Lourdes rolled her eyes, unsure of why his attitude still bothered her, when she was sure she had gotten over the fact that he acted like such an ass.

" I don’t know. I think something might be wrong." Lourdes looked at Chris like he had lost his mind, either they had been immune to his bad mood up until this point or another Justin must have dwelled before she came to town. For as far as she was concerned, this was normal behavior for him 24/7.

" Yeah. He has been pretty angry as of late." Lance agreed and Lourdes could have laughed herself to sleep. Obviously as of late must have started the day she arrived, and if not he was taking this temporary attitude for quite a stretch. She walked away before she caught herself saying something out of line. Obviously he hadn’t ever been as cold to them as he seemed to always be with her. She couldn’t reflect her own sour feelings onto them, just because they happened to just be noticing Justin’s constant bad attitude. Walking towards her table, she tried to avoid the obvious hand wave JC was giving her.

" Lourdes!" it was easy to pretend not to have seen him flagging her down, but it would have been impossible to act like she didn’t hear him call her name out. Reluctantly, she turn towards him hoping that maybe the seat beside him and across from Justin wasn’t the only seat available. She was disappointed to find that it was, and begrudgingly took her seat beside JC. She tried not to look at him, in fact she went out of her way to focus on a random spot on the table, but she couldn’t stop her eyes from finding their way to him. She tried to reason with herself that it was only natural that she happen to look at him, since he was the only thing sitting directly in front of her. It wasn’t that she wanted to look at him, she just happened to. She wasn’t surprised to see that he was still bouncing his head to his own music, what was surprising was that once again his gaze was locked into hers. She was barely able swallow the spoonful of eggs she was so aimlessly chewing, which called for her to take a swallow of her juice. She cleared her throat and began eating again, hoping that when she decided to once again look at him he wouldn’t be returning the favor. She waited a good thirty seconds before attempting again to catch a glimpse, and sure enough his eyes were set to meet hers. She could tell from all the chattering surrounding her that noone else had payed any attention to Justin, and therefore didn’t realize they were going back and forth in what seemed to be a staring game. It bothered her that she could be so drawn into him at times when he had the least welcoming attitude. Nothing about him was inviting, and yet she seemed to always want a way in. It unsettled her, made her question her true motives every time she happened to catch a glimpse of him from across the room. Was she looking for him, or did he just happen to be in her eye shot?

" Are you going to eat the rest of those?" Lourdes was thankful for the diversion Chris provided, and happily handed him her plate.

" Aren’t you suppose to be watching your diet?" Lance laughed, pushing his half eaten plate away from him.

" Don’t you have a hair appointment or something?" Lourdes eyed the platinum blonde spiky strands Chris was referring to and stifled a laugh as she continued to pick at her remaining food. Her appetite was suddenly lost, and she could feel the familiar sting settle in her forearm. She began wiping her nose, and scratching her skin, anything to postpone the onset of another attack. She hated when it snuck up on her while in good company. She could handle it when she was alone, at least then she didn’t have to worry about the turned up faces or disapproving glares. She felt the need arising within her, flowing through her veins like it belonged. She closed her eyes and breathed in sharply, she needed to find control.

" Your not so funny Kirkpatrick." she heard the conversation continuing around her, but her mind was anywhere but there. She needed to get out of the room, get out of sight, before she completely embarrassed herself. She excused herself swiftly and headed toward the exit claiming to attend the restroom. She was better off heading home, and decided as much once outside the cafeteria doors. Without a moments hesitation, she started towards the lobby area where she last saw Lenny. She need to get home, and she needed to get there fast.

Justin moved swiftly down the hall where he was told she was last seen headed towards. He didn’t know what he expected to find, but only hoped that he would find her. His instinct had told him that she was lying and had no way intended to go to the bathroom. It wasn’t until he found himself already in hot pursuit of her, that he even began to consider if it was a good idea or not. Maybe she wanted to left alone, maybe he was assuming the worst. But it was something about the look that spread across her face that told him otherwise. He had been watching her, a little more than he should, and noticed that there was something lying just beneath the surface. She smiled, although not as often, and she laughed, although not as loud, but it was something off about everything she did- like it was something behind it all. He didn’t know why he cared, and he was sure it was sure it was none of his business, but something about her caught his eye and it was more than her beautiful face.

" Hey...Yo, Lenny." Justin jogged up to her body guard who was seated in an oversized chair in the lobby. He looked bored and very much disgruntled, which was not out of the ordinary for the large man. Justin quickly scanned the lobby, and saw no sign of her. Wherever she had gone, she had wasted no time getting there.

" Wassup?" Lenny grunted, looking all the more unenthused as he stared up towards Justin.

" Have you seen Lourdes?" Justin saw the way Lenny’s eye lifted in curiosity before he spoke.

" She rushed outta here just now, she said she needed to go home." Justin started towards the door without thinking, he was in his car a moment later speeding down Eisenhower Blvd towards Johnny’s mansion.

The house was quiet, too quiet, as Lourdes made her way up the stairs. Her body had long since been taken over, and the beads of sweat that covered her body threatened to blind her as her eyes watched the stairs she climbed. She felt weak, and very much out of sorts, and all she could think about was how much better she would feel if she could just take one hit. If she could just feel the familiar rush through her veins, the settling calm that took over her body, the feeling that would wash away the distress she felt now. She climbed the stairs slowly, thankful that none of the maidservants were walking about. She needed complete privacy, especially since none of them were aware of her condition which would make their witnessing pf her attack even more damaging to Johnny. By the time she reached her room, her skin felt like it was on fire. She rushed to the bathroom, scurried to the four head shower and submersed herself in the cool water. She didn’t realize she was still fully clothed, seated against the shower walls until she heard him standing above her.

" Lourdes!" he was screaming her name, that much was obvious, but she could barely hear his voice. The panic that flushed over her, caused her to choke in spasms from the mere sight of him. What was Justin doing here, she thought, attempting to stand and cover herself. It was then that she felt the soaked material of her t-shirt, and the heaviness of her wet jeans pulling her down. Within moments, she felt herself being lifted out of the shower and cradled in his arms. He rushed her to her bed, where towels were already laid, and placed her upon them. Startled by the sudden contrast of climate, she began to shiver uncontrollably against his frame. He was rocking her slowly, holding her to him as he hummed a soft tune. She swore she was dreaming, and that he was not there. For only in her dreams would Justin Timberlake be cradling her, humming a soft and warm tune to soothe her. The Justin Timberlake she knew brooded all the time, and damn near burnt her with fiery gazes that caused her heart to flicker more often than she wanted it to. Surely this person could not be one in the same. She allowed her eyes to close, and her breathing to soften, while she drifted off into a peaceful sleep. Was it possible that he was there, was her last thought remaining as she drifted away.

As I Am

Chapter 6

Her breathing had finally returned to normal, which produced a sigh from his lips. Justin was growing frantic with the way her chest heaved up and down as she laid in his arms. Partly because he was worried sick for her and secondly because the thin material of her shirt did nothing to conceal the form of her beautiful peaked breast. He wasn’t prepared to walk in and find her fully clothed and passed out in a cold shower. In fact, he wasn’t prepared for anything. He himself had no idea why he decided to go after her, when he was the last person that needed to be here a time like this. He didn’t have to ask where Johnny was, because as always he was seated behind his desk at his studio, which was a wonder to Justin since it was obvious something was wrong with Lourdes. Even from just watching he from a distance, Justin could tell everything was not all that it seemed with her. Was he that into her, or was everyone else just blind? How could no one else noticed the subtle way she always touched her arm, or the way she dug into her skin with nails that she could usually be seen biting. Maybe he watched her too much, and that’s how he noticed. Just like earlier, when she sat across from him avoiding his eyes, she looked anxious. She looked frantic and very much unsettled. Yet she smiled, she laughed, she even ate a little- but he noticed the sudden change. She went from looking reserved to completely restrained. Her movements were no longer subtle, and she damn near ran out of the cafeteria. Was he the only one to notice? One look around told him that he was, which is why it encouraged him even more to go after her. He had damn near caused three accidents in his pursuit of her, having made his way to Johnny’s house in record timing. Her driver was just locking the door to the house, when Justin rushed up to him. The look in his eye told Justin all he needed to know, and instead of questioning how he could lock Lourdes up in a house all by herself when something was obviously wrong took the back seat to him rushing in and finding her. When he did she was seated on the floor of her shower, her eyes closed, underneath the spray of cold water. It was freezing, and Justin wasted no time pulling her out. Now she lay in his arms, on her bed, finally breathing normally. He looked over her body and new that he had to remove her clothes, if there was going to be any chance of her recovering. He swallowed hard, hoping that his unwanted desire for her remained hidden so that he could complete the task without damn near ejaculating. He moved her limp body further into the bed and rose to stand above her. She looked beautiful, despite the thick clumps of drying hair that clung to her body and the lines of black mascara that ran down her face. He took her sandals off, breathing heavily as he realized that the remainder would be a much more complicated feat. He decided that her jeans would be first. He hoped that maybe she would have some ugly underwear on with a gawd awful patter that would distract him from what they covered, but he should have known better. The tug of her jeans revealed the sexiest pair of pink lace panties he had ever seen in his life. They were sheer, with lace outlining, that made the hairs of her vagina look smooth and well groomed. His mouth moistened at the sight of her flesh and the smoothness of it as he slid the soaked panties off of her. He cleared his throat and began to concentrate, he couldn’t continue if he didn’t focus. The most important thing was that he got her out of her wet clothes, he could deal with everything else later. Now focused, her began to remove her shirt, taking his time so as to not wake her. He brought her body up, so that her chest leaned into his, and unbuttoned the strap of her bra. Sliding the wet material off of her, he held his breath as he felt the soft skin of her breast rest against him. It took all he had not to lay her down and partake in the plushness of them, so instead he brought the covers up to her and wrapped the sheet tightly against her. He moved away from her, his hands now shaking, while his heart beat angrily against his chest. He couldn’t believe that he had to undress her and even more that he had been able to. Every thought in his mind centered around her, the way her flesh felt against him, the way her body looked- every angle, every curve, every crevice. He took a seat far away from her, looking to control himself. His every intent forcing him to look away from her as he waited for her to awake. He didn’t know what just happened, and he couldn’t even imagine what was about to. He just knew that he couldn’t leave her alone, so he just waited.

The blaring sound of a cell phone pierced through her serene oasis and drew her from her sleeping solitude. She sat up, searching for the culprit of her interruption and saw that it laid in his lap. Justin was sitting across the room asleep, his head leaned against the cushion of her high wicker chair. He seemed oblivious to the annoying ring, with his mouth parted- in the sexiest of fashions- as he breathed in and out slowly. He looked so peaceful, the most relaxed she’d ever seen him in the past three weeks, nothing like the person who looked like they even cursed in their sleep. She was about to grab the device, when she realized- as the sheet fell to her waist- that she was completely naked. Her eyes grew large as she searched the room for an explanation. Why was Justin sleep, fully clothed in her chair inside her room, and why was she completely naked on the bed? What had happened? She pulled the cover back up and gathered them around her body , and walked to the bathroom. She didn’t realize she had made such a fuss until she saw his image reflect off of the bathroom mirror where she stood examining her surroundings. She lifted her eyes from the towel covered floor to his, the confusion evident within them.

" I found you fully dressed in there." Justin was pointing to the shower, his eyes never moving from her own. They stared at each other in silence through the mirror, as Lourdes began to remember the onset of an attack earlier that morning. She closed her eyes, when the pieces started to fall into place and she remembered how she fell into the cold shower trying to do away with the burn on her skin. Embarrassment sprang into her cheeks and she lowered her head, of all the people to find her like this. Why did it have to be him?

" How...why are you here?" she didn’t know if she really wanted that answer. She asked all the same, it was the least she could muster with all the uncertain feelings arising within her.

" What happened?" it was like his eyes intended to undress her, even more than they obviously had. She tried to turn away, but she couldn’t. Looking at the floor wouldn’t make him disappear, and certainly wouldn’t make her forget he was standing right behind her. It wasn’t the fact that she was standing in only a sheet in front of him, it was obvious it had seen much more of her, and that thought alone sent unexpected shivers through her body.

" Nothing." His eyes lowered in disbelief, like he was challenging her to pretend that he couldn’t see all that had happened. Biting her lip, she averted her eyes and focused on the counter before her. What exactly did he want her to say? That she was a crazy loon who had a problem with always wanting a fix. That she was sent here because it was either here or an institution, where she had opted to go because she’d rather be there and accepted by people who cared to help her than here with the one person who didn’t care enough to try.

" Why are you crying?" she didn’t realize the tears had fallen, and she couldn’t move away from him or his hands that pulled her towards him. His voice was smooth, much softer now, soothing her woes as he held her. She tried to push away from him, but he was stronger than her. His force, not even in the physical sense, was stronger than her. It was another level of comfort that she had never experienced before, and it scared her. Here it was, the only person she couldn’t stand was holding her and filling her with an unknown desire that threatened to take over her tears. Suddenly she found herself wanting to feel the hands that soothed her cries caress her forbidden places. She wanted the mouth that spoke softly, to press itself against her own. She wanted to taste and touch him, feel him over her, within her. She gasped, her body hardly willing to control itself, when he held her even tighter. She let the tears run down her face, onto his shirt, while her body ached on the inside for him. She didn’t understand all that was going on inside her, but she didn’t fight it either. When his hand moved to cup her chin and lift her face towards him, she reached up and placed her lips against his. For a moment, he hesitated, and then his mouth filled hers as his tongue dipped into her warmth, deepening their kiss. A soft moan escaped her lips and her hands moved around his neck, into his hair, lifting her up further so that his mouth covered hers completely. His hands moved to her waist, paused, and then moved further down when she pressed even more against him, until the cupped the bottom of her hips and pulled her up until her legs wrapped around his torso. The sheet had gathered at the top of her thighs, barely covering the nature of her. He carried them to her bed, sitting down so that she now straddled him. He pulled away from their kiss, his eyes searching hers before he made any other move. She could tell he was just as confused by their actions and didn’t know what- if anything- they should do next. She should have told him to stop, but that wouldn’t have been what she wanted to do. She lowered her eyes, taking the folds of the sheet, and began unwrapping it from her body. His breathing grew heavier as he watched her, his hands shaking on either side of her hips.

" Wait." his voice was quivering, his eyes pained, as he held the cover that threatened to expose her to him. Lourdes watched as several emotions passed over his face, restraint being the least of them. " I can’t do this." She sighed against him, already knowing that he said it for other reasons than his desire for her. She could feel him beneath her, to know that his restraint had nothing to do with her. " I do want this." His eyes burned with a passion that seemed so rare for him, but so right between them. He looked so undone, so raw, so unlike any look he had given her before, that it scared her to believe it was him. Where had all this come from? But then she thought of the way she felt whenever she saw him enter a room. Beneath the misunderstanding, greater than the dislike, it was desire. Desire to have him talk to her the way she saw him talk to other women when she wasn’t looking, the desire to have him touch her, even look at her. And when he did, it was that passion nestled inside of both of them that neither could understand. That passion that kept them at a distance, and that same passion that held them here.

" Why did you come Justin?" Maybe he understood more than she did. Maybe he could explain what was going on between them.

" I couldn’t stop myself." he spoke like he didn’t even understand it himself, like it scared him just as much as it scared her. It was the truth, Justin didn’t know why he was there, couldn’t explain the need he had for her. He just knew it was there.

"I want this too." she whispered, afraid that even admitting it would somehow change the way they felt. She knew it was impossible, and it was damned unlikely. She didn’t belong with him and he would never belong to her. Her father would never allow it. JC would never understand. She looked at him and reasoned that maybe it was just the excitement of the entire situation that had her falling into his kiss and going beside herself with his touch. Had it been anyone else she awoke up to find, they’d be in the same position. She had to trust herself in this, afterall it had happened before. She closed her eyes and suppressed the memories that dared to resurface. She moved away from his lap, away from his touch, her body quivering from the absence of them. She ignored the questioning in his eyes, and tried to forget the confession from his lips. They were just being caught up in the moment, and the most he could possibly feel for her was sorrow. He was probably sorry for her and in his need to try and help her- which was a character trait she never saw coming with him- he just happened to confuse it with passion. Besides, she had JC and it would crush him to ever imagine Justin and her like this.

" Lourdes, talk to me. What is going on?"

" Don’t." he was moving towards her, but she needed him as far away as possible. She didn’t want his understanding or his kisses, she had JC and she’d settle for what she did know and understand before she would trust the unknown. " This was a mistake. Could you please just go."

" If you want me to say I’m sorry for what just happened I am..but..." she cut him off by turning her back to him and walking into the bathroom. She shut the door and prayed that when she opened it, he would be gone. She didn’t need to hear any explanation, she didn’t want to hear him say another word. It didn’t matter that she was afraid it might break her stance, or that it might reveal something she deep down already knew- it mattered that it wouldn’t work. It mattered that no matter how right it felt, it was so wrong on too many levels. She couldn’t afford what if’s, she needed as much stability as she could possibly find. JC was that stability. He was strong, he cared, and his moods didn’t change with the wind. With him she was going to find healing, and she’d give up all she had just to have that.

As I Am

Chapter 7

The days left until they began their promotional tour couldn’t have gone by any slower. Justin could have sworn it had been a week in passing since the day before, and he still had two more days to suffer through. He thought about escaping to Tennessee, dropping in on his grandparents, and hiding out in the finished basement where he could stuff his face with home baked cookies and rid himself of all his problems. If only he could.

" I don’t know if YOU noticed or anything, but you’ve been a real ass lately." Justin was going to ignore Trace, but that would only prove to drive his point even further. He was in a despicable mood, and it wasn’t over any one particular problem. It was over an array of them. The first of the many appeared across the muted television, Justin had chosen to stare at for the last hour. Britney Spears’ face beamed back at him, her perfect smile, showing her perfect teeth which only added to the perfect air about her. Justin grimaced when not long after, he saw his picture come across screen, then the two of them together with a cheesy heart bumping across the screen. It was official, Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears had become America’s favorite couple overnight- literally.

" Oh wow, look at you two, you shouldn’t be so in love." Trace teased from behind Justin, where he sat nursing a bowl of pecan flavored ice cream. Justin, who usually didn’t get annoyed by such things, sighed with aggravation towards Trace’s comment and the consistent sound of pecans falling back into an emptying bowl. It seemed like all of a sudden, it bothered Justin that Trace refused to buy any other ice cream where he wouldn’t spit the damn featured attraction out. It was insane for anyone to claim they loved pecan ice cream, but hated pecans! And it was now, at this precise moment, that Justin chose to dwell- to the point of anger- over it. It couldn’t have been that he was pissed about Britney and even more pissed about Lourdes.

" Why don’t you just buy fucking vanilla?!" he knew he sounded about as crazy as he was sure Trace was looking at him. Vanilla ice cream had nothing to do with anything, and it was the silence that followed that reassured Justin they both knew that. Choosing to ignore the follow up chuckle from Trace, Justin squinted his eyes in anger when the vision of Lourdes appeared before him. She was standing, just like she had been in her room those days before, but this time her sheet was gone and he was able to let his eyes run the length of her supple body. He shifted in discomfort when he felt his nature rise, and cursed no one in particular, when it did nothing to sedate him.

"Your crazy." Trace offered, still sitting behind him, still spitting out pecans.

" And your nuts." It would have been funny, since he mentioned nuts and Trace hated them, but yet always ate variations of them, but he wasn’t in the mood for laughter- and not even the sound of yet another pecan crashing into an empty bowl could sway him. Usually he would be amused by Trace, but usually he wasn’t always thinking about Lourdes and the crazy feeling she drummed up inside of him. Usually the vision of her beautiful naked body didn’t haunt him.

" I hate nuts." Trace smirked, finally finishing his bowl of ice cream and discarding it on the table at which he sat. He looked at his friend, or rather stared at the back of his head, and wondered what had suddenly come over Justin. He usually had a mild temperament, but nothing like what he’d been displaying these past couple of weeks. Trace wondered if it was the up and coming promotional tour, but new Justin long enough to know that the boy hardly ever got antsy about touring- he loved it. So was it his love life? It was a shock to Trace when he was introduced to the idea of Britney and Justin as a couple. When the hell had all that taken place, was his initial reaction, and why the hell hadn’t he been told before was his second. Perhaps that was what had his friends panties in a bunch, and for that Trace could perfectly understand. Britney Spears was annoying as all hell.

" I hate the fact that you buy pecan ice cream and spit out pecans, or even that you buy crunchy peanut butter, but pick out the peanuts! Why?! Why can’t you just leave the nuts alone!" Trace’s eyes grew wide, as he suppressed any attempt of laughter by biting down hard on his lips. He waited, until he heard Justin sigh, before he released a fraction of a chuckle. He knew the man was heated, as to the reason why- he didn’t have a clue. But one other thing he learned about Justin, was when he wasn’t in the mood- like he wasn’t right now- laughing would only cause greater problems. So Trace stifled his laughter, he was already tired from his daily workout in their home gym, he didn’t need an ass whopping.

" I’m sorry man." Justin muttered, still never turning around. He wasn’t going to give Trace the satisfaction of seeing his disgruntled countenance, when he knew the stumpy kid was two shy hairs away from laughing hysterically. Justin was sure he appeared funny, but it didn’t mean he’d appreciate the laughter.

" It’s ok." He could tell Trace was having a hard time not laughing, so wasn’t surprised to hear him move to leave shortly after. The least he could do was go into another part of the house and crack up, which was exactly what he did. Justin pretended that he stumbled across something incredibly hilarious, even though he knew the man’s tirade was solely because of him. He could have his laughs, Justin thought finally shutting off the television- for it seemed like every new headline concerned him and his ‘beloved’- and storming out to his car. He had to get out of his house, there was no mercy there.

" So I called Justin, and he didn’t answer, so I called his house and Trace said he was having a hissy fit." Chris informed plopping down on the couch next to Lourdes and Lance. They were all in the lounge of the studio, trying to decide on the events of the evening since it was one of the last that Lourdes would be spending with them before they went on tour. She hoped no one noticed her sigh of relief, when they announced that Justin was unlikely to be tagging along. She didn’t need to see him, in fact she didn’t ever need to see him again. Lourdes had successfully avoided all contact with him, since that day in her room, by hiding out at her father’s mansion. She was finally kidnapped by Chris, Lance and JC when they went to Johnny’s house looking for answers concerning her disappearance. She was relieved to see them, since it had been even before the end of the first hour of confinement that she grew tired of her surroundings. She longed to be at the studio, snuggled up on one of the plush couches listening to them rehearse, or dodging water balloons and pillows whenever the need to act like fools arose. In the past month she had developed a special bond with each member, and it wasn’t until that last bond was made with Justin, that she finally decided to seclude herself. She wasn’t suppose to have bonded with Justin, they had a tolerate-tolerate relationship, where it was understood that they shared the same indifference to one another. They weren’t suppose to be engaged in deep conversation, and they definitely weren’t suppose to be swallowing each other’s throats with a passion so intense it burned her to even think of it. NO, he was suppose to stay to himself and she was suppose to barely acknowledge him. That’s how it was suppose to work. Before, she could watch him at her own discretion and wonder about him in the privacy of her own world- without anyone taking notice. He might have caught her a few odd times, but never enough for him to think anything of it or for her to feel guilty. Now, she was afraid that even a glimpse of him would drench her undergarments and leave her shaking with relentless desire. Everything about how she reacted to him and his touch was wrong, and wrong was one thing she was too good at. She needed right, and JC was enough right for her. She didn’t need Justin, which was why she called herself relieved to know that he wasn’t coming. She could make it two more days without him, and then he’d be gone, and at least she wouldn’t have to worry about suffering through any pained sightings of him.

"The man of the hour!" Lourdes closed her eyes and sucked in her last breath, when she heard Chris’ gleeful announcement of his arrival. She didn’t want to turn around to see him, she could already feel his presence. She could smell his scent, weaving in and out of her nose, taking her back to that day when his hands were all over her body and his mouth was against hers.

" Earth to Justin." Lance smiled, waving his hand in the front of a spaced out Justin. Lance exchanged looks with JC, who was seated on the couch next to Lourdes as well, and shrugged his shoulder in response to the glassy look that fell over Justin.

" You alright bro?" JC asked, and Lourdes wish she had the power to make herself invisible. She just wanted to crawl into any hole and dwell there until Justin at least left the universe.

" Yea..yea." His voice sounded shaky to her, and it made her stomach fall and her heart jump. She couldn’t turn around, not if he was sounding like that, and not if it would be obvious to her that he was taken aback because of her. She’d rather sit there and pretend that he wasn’t even there, at least with her back to him she could try and do so.

" You must have gotten my 10 messages." Chris smiled, standing up to throw an arm around Justin’s shoulders. Justin had no idea what Chris was talking about, he saw that the man had called enough times to fill his call list, but he didn’t realize he had left a message after each one. Justin had completely muted his phone in hopes of being left alone, the only reason he was at the studio was to get away from his crazy thoughts by laying some tracks down in the recording booth. He was trying to forget about Lourdes, he damn sure didn’t mean to see her. He wasn’t ready, and the way his body refused to function properly was plain sight of that.

" No. I didn’t."

" Either case, we’re glad you’re here. We wanted to take Lourdes out for the night, since we’ll be gone for like the next 168 nights." Chris explained, completely ignoring the frosty tone Justin gave off. Lourdes couldn’t miss it though, he said three words and he might as well have just spit them out. She was still sitting on the couch refusing to look at him, she figured he would just pass up the offer and continue about his business.

" Why do you know that Chris?" Lance was amused, but Chris was determined. He wanted to go out and have a good time, and if Joey could schedule around his daughter- Justin could drop whatever he had to do and come along as well.

" I’ve got plans." Justin stated simply, moving to walk off, but Chris stopped him .

" With who Brit?" The way Chris raised his eyebrow, Justin knew he was another one of the many that found the relationship a complete joke. IF only you knew, Justin thought, his eyes moving to Lourdes. He was beginning to get annoyed with her for not turning around, the least she could do was acknowledge him, since they did share an intimate moment. Just because it didn’t make sense, doesn’t mean that it didn’t happen.

" Nah...I’ll be with her later." He watched for a reaction, and sure enough Lourdes shuffled in her seat, a clear indication that she was listening and didn’t quite appreciate his answer. Justin smirked, and turned back to Chris.

" Alright...so you can spend the rest of the evening with us, and regret that decision later." The rest of the group laughed, all but Lourdes. Her back seemed to grow rigid, if it was possible for her to be any more tense, and it made Justin’s mood sour even more. Satisfied, Chris beamed and grabbed Justin’s phone from his hand to call Joey.

" Does anyone have any idea where Daddy Day Care is?"

Justin didn’t want to go anymore the moment he saw her stand and turn to fully face him. His eyes only passed over her once, very briefly, but in that time he could see that the low rise jeans hugged her hips perfectly and her halter cloth top molded to her breast like a second skin. Her hair fell full around her shoulders, and for a moment Justin remembered how it felt as it slipped in between his fingers that day when she was seated on his lap...

"Damn you look good." He could here JC breath those words against her cheek, as he moved in to kiss her. Justin tried to ignore the bile in his throat, but it threatened to push through with Jc’s next husky comment. " Maybe we should let them go" Justin’s eyes couldn’t help but fall back on Lourdes, he wanted to see her reaction. She lowered her eyes from him, the blush forming on her cheeks doing nothing to calm him. In fact it enraged him, and he couldn’t understand why. She wasn’t his, and she never had been. Just because he kissed her, didn’t give him a claim on her, so why did it make him sick to see another man- his friend- touching her?

" Okay..and could someone set these two hot bodies up with a hotel by the end of the night." Chris was on a roll, and while everyone laughed, Justin grimaced. He’d be damned if he saw them to a hotel that night.

" Yea right, so Johnny could kill us." Lance laughed walking towards the door, smiling towards JC and Lourdes.

" Your worth it." JC shrugged, placing a soft kiss on her lips. Justin rolled his eyes, so that the heat from them would fall elsewhere. He didn’t need to be staring them down the way that he was, what he needed was out of that lobby. He moved quickly to the door beside Lance, hoping to make it to his car before Chris had another epiphany.

" Yo J...good thinking. We can take your car and mine. That’s enough room." Justin sighed inwardly, he could just guess who would be in his car.

" First of all... we’re not taking that punchbuggy.." JC interrupted walking out of the studios and to his own car. " Secondly, I have to get dress." Which was true, Justin observed, JC definitely had on a pair of sweats.

" Okay..good call...I thought you were going for that I’m rich but I love my Hanes sportswear look." Chris teased, moving further into the parking lot. Justin watched as Lourdes walked out of the studio, laughter falling from her lips. She was gorgeous.

" Okay..so since we are trying to go out..Lourdes your with J..we can’t have JC taking advantage of you at his house..." While Chris explained the driving arrangements, Justin tuned him out since all he could focus on was the astounded look Lourdes possessed. They both exchanged looks, for the first time that night, and his heart folded within him. He watched her bite her lip in hesitation, before she quietly walked to his passenger side door. It took Justin a minute to come to, before he unlocked the door and climbed on the inside. There was complete silence as they made their way out of the parking lot, neither of them willing to speak first. It wasn’t until the sound of Justin’s cell phone blaring through the thick air, that finally broke the tension.

" Chris?"

" What the hell are you doing? Why didn’t you take the exit?!" Justin sighed when he realized that neither of the cars he was supposed to be following were around him. He wasn’t paying attention when Chris spoke earlier, and he then realized that he wasn’t even paying attention as he was driving.

" I’m sorry, I’m out of it." Justin apologized turning the car around so that he could take the last exit. It was decided, since Justin failed to follow directions, that they would all meet up over Justin’s house since it was closest to downtown. Pulling over, Justin looked over towards Lourdes, she was looking out of the window with her hand rubbing her forearm. He had seen her do this several times before, only this time was a more calm, more soothing rub.

" So where are we going?" She spoke, but didn’t look at him, instead she just kept staring out of her window. They were pulled inside a mini mart’s parking lot, the car still on, his decision not yet made. He wasn’t sure taking her to his home was a good idea, he wasn’t sure what he should do next. It was obvious that they didn’t want to be alone with each other, and it was still unclear to him if it was because they didn’t want to or they shouldn’t.

" The guys want to meet up at my house...but we could just drive around until their ready." He waited for a response, whatever she wanted to do, he would willingly oblige.

" What do you think?" The question was loaded, Justin could tell, and when he looked at her he could feel his insides warming. Her mouth was slightly parted, and her hazel eyes looked at him expectantly. He had no idea what she wanted him to say, there was only one thing he could think to say, and that would only prove to make the tension even more unbearable.

" I think it’s up to you." His eyes couldn’t hide his want even if he tried, and the fact that she was looking at him with the same indecision that played throughout his head, only made him want her more. She bit her lip, lowered her eyes, tucked a strand behind her ear, every move causing the ache for her to increase inside him.

"You want to go?" he was prodding, he knew she wanted to, but at the same time, he knew she didn’t. He had to ask her though, he was hoping the glint in her eye that held his would push her to go. If it meant that he could just taste her lips for a moment, he would violate every traffic law to get them there.

" Yea." She didn’t have to say another word before his foot was on the gas and his car shrieked off the pavement.

As I Am

Chapter 8

His mouth was on hers the moment they made it through the door. Lourdes felt the sigh leave her body even before she heard it, as his lips moved from her own to the crevice of her neck. She moaned, beside herself, as the sensation of his tongue moved over her warm skin. He tasted better than the last time, felt stronger than the last time, and she couldn’t stop the moans that escaped her lips every time he touched her. It was wrong, it was wrong to want his hands around her waist, lifting her up as he was pushing her against the frame of the door. Her arm slid from around his neck to in between them, as she pulled him closer. The way his body pinned her against the wall sent a wave of desire to gush through the thin material of her panties. She gasped in response, leaning her head back, wanting to feel his mouth all over her. As if he could read her thoughts, his hand moved to the string of her halter, and released it, so that the material fell to the floor. His mouth instantly covered her erect nipple, while his hand held tightly to the other.

" Just..." she couldn’t get his name out, the moans took over, and had her at a lost for words. Her body shook with desire, so much so that he had to stop, just so he could see that she was okay.

" Damn." he smiled, his lips barely an inch away from her own. Lourdes looked up into his smiling eyes and leaned in to recapture his lips with her own. Justin groaned as he moved her to the couch in the living room right off the foyer. He waited until she finished their kiss before he laid her down on the couch before him. Her body was half bare, with her jeans still hugging the curves of her hips. Following his eyes, she began to unbutton her jeans, and moved them past her simple black bikini cut thongs, down her thick thighs and finally to the floor beneath her. Justin’s breathing increased to a rapid intake, as he watched her maneuver out of them. He took in every detail of her body, her soft skin, her luscious curves, even the soft hairs that peaked out as she slid her panties all the way off. Justin pulled his shirt over his head and watched as she leaned forward and unbuttoned his jeans, the look in her eyes was unmistakable. She wanted him as much as he wanted her. Her eyes widened at the sight of him, his manhood standing erect, throbbing for her. Justin smiled knowingly, and leaned down to kiss her. His lips fell over hers, taking control of their kiss so that the moans that escaped her fell into his mouth. He spread her legs open, and positioned himself so that the head of him grazed her warm moistness. He had barely moved and she was already shivering at his touch. His eyes searched hers, just to be sure that she was willing, and from the corner of his eye he saw a streaming line of red.

" Justin please.." but he was focusing on the blood that fell from her forearm and unto the pillow of his couch His body begged him to overlook it, but his mind told him to stop. Pulling back, Justin took hold of her arm and examined the gash. Nestled in the crevice of her forearm, was a broken scab that looked painful to touch, though she had yet to acknowledge it.

" Lourdes." Justin breathed, his eyes turning back to her, and finding the horror in them when she realized then that she was bleeding. Pulling himself up, Justin pulled up his pants, not allowing himself the time to buckle them as he scooped her up and took her into the kitchen. He was thankful that Trace and Avery had decided to go to the movies that evening and prayed that no one would walk in on him nursing Lourdes’ arm as she sat naked on his counter. His eyes met her haunted gaze, as he grabbed a fresh towel from the drawer and wrapped it around her arm. She looked away from him, her body beginning to shiver, hoping her silence would sway him from inquiry. He looked at her, through eyes of concern, before he left the kitchen and returned with his shirt. He instructed her to lift her arms as he slid the material over her, then immediately raised the sleeve to continue nursing her wound. She was thankful for his silence, and had almost thought she succeeded in dissuading him from questioning, but she had thought to soon.

" Lourdes, what’s going on?" The anger in his voice couldn’t be mistaken, but neither could the concern and fear. She didn’t know how it was that she found herself, at the mercy of him- and couldn’t explain why she had the eerie feeling of comfort surrounding her. Lourdes closed her eyes, not from embarrassment, but from unbelief. She couldn’t believe she was about to give herself to Justin, she couldn’t believe that he was now nursing her arm without having indulged in his own desire, and she couldn’t believe that she didn’t feel as exposed as she clearly was.

" Ouch." she winced, when he began to apply the rubbing alcohol he must have found when he left the room.

" What the hell is this?" He was standing in front of her, his chest still bare, and all she could do was stare at him, afraid of what she would say next. Would she tell him the truth, would he believe her if she lied? She closed her eyes and shook her head, she wasn’t ready to deal with this. It wasn’t suppose to be like this, he wasn’t suppose to be the one. " Lourdes, talk to me." his hand was under her chin, pulling her to face him. The concern for her overshadowed the desire that still nestled beneath. Looking into his eyes, it was like she had known him more than anyone else and that he had known her. Like the past three weeks weren’t spent avoiding each other, but rather knowing each other. They barely spoke, how could this be?

" I can’t Justin." a tear fell down her cheek, her strength leaving her as her sobs began to fall uncontrollably from her eyes. Instantly her arms were around her, soothing and comforting her, while she cried into his shoulder. He didn’t even flinch when her hot tears hit dripped onto his skin, didn’t even move to clean them as they ran down his bare chest. He just held her, waiting for her body to relax against him. Justin kissed her softly against her neck, not at all like how he had moments before, but a more gentle kiss that settled her soul. Lourdes sighed against him, allowing the gentle feeling to calm her, and accepting the beautiful kisses he placed along her neck. He moved his lips to her forehead, his hands holding onto her sides, hugging her to his body.

"You can trust me." he was looking into her eyes, warming her heart all the same. She didn’t doubt that she could, and that was what scared her. Even with the time spent, and the laughs shared with Lance, Chris and Joey and even the sweet kisses given by JC, Lourdes never felt moved to introduce them into her world. Not like she did whenever Justin was around, looking at her the way he did, opening her against her will. It was like he saw something in her that no one else ever seemed to notice, and it frightened her but excited her all at the same time. " You know what, you don’t even have to tell me. I just want to know that your alright." his words were kind, they were more than kind, they were real. She laughed a little on the inside about how not alright she was. She was the daughter of a man that didn’t even know her. She was suppose to be getting herself together, but somehow managed to end up on Justin Timberlake’s kitchen counter, naked, and bleeding, when she was suppose to be with JC. There was nothing alright about her. Just then she realized the guys would be there any second, and there she sat in Justin’s shirt completely naked otherwise.

" I have to get dressed." She hopped off the counter and found her way back into the living room. The memory of her undressing while under Justin’s watchful eyes stumbled her movements. She tried to forget those eyes, but there was no avail.

" Really Lourdes, your just gonna go out and pretend...."

" That’s what I do Justin!" she stopped, dropping his shirt to the floor, while hers still lay mangled on his floor. His eyes didn’t leave hers, even though her body was exposed and the way she breathed angrily moved the mounds of flesh in the most erotic of fashions. Justin held her gaze though, wanting to hear what it was that she had to say. He wanted her to know he was listening.

" Why?"

" Of course you’d want to know why?!" she sighed angrily, bending down to retrieve her shirt. " What is it Justin that has you so intrigued? Is it because of Joshua? Is this some kind of feat for you, stealing his girl?" He knew she didn’t believe her own words, but it still bothered him to hear her say them. He shook his head at her, a smirk playing off his lips. He could tell she was trying to make him angry, like that would make him leave her alone.

" So you’re his girl now?" Justin watched the fury build in her eyes. She wanted him to dismiss her, just walk away like nothing ever happened so that she could continue on without him ever knowing what was up with her. But Justin was through with that. He noticed too much about her to just dismiss that something was amiss with her. He spent his days watching her, his nights thinking about her, and he wanted to know her, to have her, not just for his satisfaction but for the well being of his sanity. She was driving him crazy, and she had been for the past three weeks. All he ever knew to do was dismiss her, but that only proved to weaken him more. For when he pretended he wasn’t looking, he really was. And when she thought he didn’t care, he really did.

" That’s not the point. I shouldn’t..we..this is wrong!" she shouted, frustrated with him. He wasn’t backing down like he should be.

" So what’s right then Lourdes?" Justin glared at her, his anger written all over his face. " You and JC. You fucking walking around unnoticed by everyone. Has anyone else seen your arm? DO you even look at it. LOOK AT IT. YOUR FUCKING BLEEDING! What’s right about that?!"

" It’s none of your business?" Lourdes was righting out of fight, she couldn’t let him win. She wouldn’t let him in. He was as strange to her as her feelings for him were, and she had no more room for confusion.

" None of my business..." he mocked, the laughter that fell from his lips derived from anger. " Your presuming to tell me what I should care about?"

" You don’t care Justin." she sneered, her heart flipping in her chest. It was impossible to believe that he could, at least that’s what she told herself. She was probably just a thrill to him, and easy ride. He didn’t want her, he just wanted to say he had her. His jaw tightened and he crossed the room until he was directly in front of her, his eyes boring into hers igniting a heat that moved to disarm her.

" Lourdes, I do care. You know it and I know it. Whether we understand it or not..I do. I was a fucking second from being inside of you and if you think I really don’t care you would have been fucked. I could have fucked you senseless with your fucking arm bleeding over my gotdamn couch. But I care, I care too fucking much, don’t doubt that." He growled, releasing her free arm and stalking out of the room into the kitchen. Lourdes could barely gather her thoughts before she heard a door in the house slam in the direction he left. She fell into the couch, her mind still boggled by all that took place. He hadn’t lied, she felt the tip of him pushing against her, she knew that at any moment he would have been within her, but he stopped himself. He hadn’t moved, not even an inch closer, not when he saw her arm. She tried to convince herself that maybe he was disgusted, but she couldn’t act like the concern didn’t show all over him, even then as he yelled at her from across the room. Now he was gone, and she was sitting alone in his house. She didn’t know what her next move was, what was she suppose to do, did she call her driver to come and get her. She rolled her eyes, like that was an option, since Johnny would shit his pants if he knew she was within fifty feet of any of them. She winced in pain, her arm looked horrible. She could tell she was still bleeding, since the blood was beginning to soak through the fabric. What was she going to do?

" Get up." Justin ordered. Lourdes nearly jumped out of her skin at the sound of his voice. She didn’t say a word just followed him into his car. It wasn’t until they began driving that she decided to take the chance and speak to him.

" Where are we going?"

" You need a doctor."

" No." she choked. Her eyes grew large, and her hands began to shake. He couldn’t take her to a hospital, if Johnny ever found out he would kill her. The pain in her arm heightened, and she yelped beside herself. Justin immediately stopped the car, and turned to look at her. All the anger had been erased and replaced with fear/

" Lourdes, what is it?"

" We can’t go to the hospital" she panted, holding her arm against her. She knew she sounded ridiculous, bellowing over in pain and demanding that they not go. She just knew she couldn’t, every tabloid in history would catch wind of the story and her father’s name would be tarnished before morning. She looked at Justin, her eyes pleading with him to understand.

" Lourdes, look at you. Your starting to sweat, you need..." his cell phone began to ring, and when she noticed he would have just as soon ignored it, she picked it up and answered it. She already knew it was one of the guys looking for them. If they got wind that there was the slightest of problems, they would call her father, and she couldn’t let that happen. Pushing it towards him, she beckoned him to speak.

" Justin, speak." she mouthed, when all he did was stare angrily towards her.

" Wassup Chris?" Even from the passenger side of the car, Lourdes could hear Chris’ angry voice. She shook her head for Justin to come up with something, anything to keep them at bay. "She had to go home. Lenny told Johnny where she was.." he lied. Lourdes fell back against the seat and relaxed as Justin dished them a bogus story. Once he was finished, he snapped it closed and looked squarely at her.

" Wassup with you?" he asked her patiently, his jaw relaxing, and the anger dissipating. She wanted to confide in him, really she did, but what would happen when Justin found out she was a junkie. Would he be so understanding? Would he be so willing to help? Heaven only knows that she lost too many people, too much family from, with one little confession. People suddenly saw you differently when they found out that the root of your problem had to do with drugs. People became disgusted, disproving, and down right evil when they finally knew. She didn’t have much with Justin, but from what she could tell was forming, she didn’t want to lose what they did have. Why couldn’t he be like everyone else in her world and see what they want to see, why did he have to dig deeper?

" Justin I’m more trouble than I’m worth." she barely whispered her response, already ashamed of herself. She could imagine what he must already think of her. She would be a fool to believe any of it was good.

" Then you don’t know your own worth." She felt his hand on her own, and wished that his warmth would just cover her again. She had felt comfort in his embrace, something more than just a sweet hug, but a strong hold that told her he wanted to be the one that listened to her silent tears. She couldn’t trust it though, a feeling like that is never safe. She was safer with JC, who didn’t touch her or make her feel the way Justin did. At least she understood how she felt about JC, at least he made sense.

" You don’t know me Justin." she was pleading with him to back off, he didn’t know what he was getting himself into. He was better off without her troubles to add to his own.

" Your not giving me a chance to." he was visibly frustrated, he didn’t understand why she was so against him getting closer to her. He looked down at her arm, the towel damn near drenched. "Lourdes, let me take you to the hospital." her arm looked like it was turning colors, it scared the shit out of him to think what could be happening to her.

" No. It will heal by morning." she assured, laying her head against the seat and rubbing her arm gently. He wasn’t convinced and he could tell she knew that. But she wouldn’t let him take her to the hospital, and that pissed him off.

" Will you come to my house..and a doctor will come there." He knew he was asking for trouble, asking her to spend the night, but it was the only way he could be sure she got the help she needed. The look she gave him showed her hesitation, he knew without her asking what it was that troubled her most. " I’ll call Lenny. I’ll make sure your father doesn’t know."

" Justin..."

" I’ll sleep on the floor, hell I’ll stay awake. I want to make sure your alright." He couldn’t believe he was saying all this, when had he ever offered to stay awake so that someone else could enjoy sleep in his bed. When had he decided he’d be the one to take care of her?

" I can’t. If Joshua would find out..." Justin’s heart broke at the mention of JC, and he couldn’t help the sigh that escaped him. He was wrong for neglecting to consider JC, but he was even worse for not caring. It was like he wanted Lourdes for himself, regardless of who it was that desired her. As long as she desired him, she was his.

" Let me worry about it." When she offered no more resistance, Justin turned his car around and headed back to his house.

As I Am

Chapter 9

Avery couldn’t help the grin from forming on his face when he saw that Justin had entered into the kitchen looking as if death became him. Dropping his head to his bowl of cereal, he chuckled to himself as he could count on Trace to state the obvious.

" Well you look like shit." Trace smirked from the bar, where he sat, smoothing cream cheese over his toasted bagel. Avery watched as Justin lifted his head in annoyance towards the brown haired stumpy figure, then back to his empty bowl which he had started pouring Apple Jacks into. The hour was well past and on its way towards noon, when Justin made his appearance, so Avery wondered what had his cousin so drained.

" Your into some kinky shit." Trace exclaimed, motioning toward the rubbing alcohol and towels that lay across the counter. Avery had noticed them there too, as well as the crumbled shirt that belonged to Justin in the living room. Avery had remembered that he was going to ask Justin about it, since it was evident he had some company, but once again he forgot that he could always rely on Trace to bring it up first. Justin didn’t even nod his head in acknowledgment, just kept eating from his bowl only once turning to stare at the contents Trace referred to on the counter.

" I had to pick up your shirt with a broken hanger..I was afraid your little kids were swimming all over it." Avery choked over his spoonful of cereal, while Trace just shook his head. Trace was an asshole, an hilarious asshole, but an asshole all the same.

" Yo Trey...I’m eating." Avery laughed, although it was quickly silenced when he saw her make her way into the kitchen. His jaw nearly scraped the floor, not because she looked like a sultry vixen in an oversized shirt and bower shorts with her hair all over her head , but because it was Lourdes emerging from the direction of Justin’s bedroom- which was the master suite on the first floor.

" Oh shit." Trace gasped, his mouth just as open. Lourdes looked between the both of them, and smiled sheepishly, before turning to Justin. Avery had to turn his eyes away from the bare skin of her legs, to see what Justin’s response was. His cousin was now leading against the refrigerator offering his half eaten bowl towards her. Avery didn’t understand what was going on, especially since it looked like Justin had just spent the night banging the girl he knew JC liked, who just happened to be Johnny’s daughter. Lourdes walked over to Justin and accepted the bowl, before turning to and walking back towards Justin’s room. Once she was out of ear shot, Avery and Trace pounced on their friend.

" What in the hell man?!" Avery exclaimed, his eyes searching Justin for the least bit of remorse.

" Noth..."

" Oh before you go killing my dream...did you even get to squeeze the ass?" Trace interrupted Justin before he could finish. Avery took the time to throw the roll of paper towels towards Trace’s head before he turned back to Justin.

" Are you insane?!"

" Can you just explain how the rubbing alcohol and living room couch massacre factored in?" Trace grinned, his eyebrows lifting up suggestively. For the first time that morning, Justin broke a half smile, which only encouraged Trace further.

" She’s fucking hot as shit."

" Can we talk about JC?" Avery suggested which only got him a disproving look from Trace.

" Why, when she’s like a hundred times more interesting!" Trace exclaimed, his hands up in the air as if lost by the suggestion. Avery ignored the raving lunatic and turned to his cousin.

" Wassup?!"

" Nothing happened." Justin stated which caused Trace to groan in disappointment. Avery sighed, somewhat relieved, but still confused. From the way Justin made no mention to discuss the details, Avery could tell the conversation about last night was not going to be had.

" Alright. But I hope you know what your doing." Avery sighed, hoping that whatever the reason might be for her being here could be justified and not cause for the breaking of a priceless relationship.

Lourdes had just slipped out of his shirt and into her regular clothes when she heard the door open and close behind her. She turned to see that he was watching her as she tied her halter into place. The steam in his eyes tickled her insides as she turned to face him head on. He looked dead tired, and slightly annoyed, but he looked every it of handsome. He offered a weak smile in return of her own and took a seat in the chair next to the door.

" He wouldn’t tell me anything." Lourdes was glad to hear that Dr. Schinely didn’t disclose any of their consultation to Justin. At first glance, Dr. Schinely could tell she was dealing with a sever case of withdraw and that her choice of drug had been cocaine. Her injection site was aggravated, and had become an open infected wound in her arm. The doctor informed her that it was normal for her to begin bleeding from her sore, though it shouldn’t happen often. This was the second time, since the beginning period of this withdraw that something like that had happened to her. She knew now, like she knew then, there was no way of telling what caused it. One time she had picked the cab open, another time she had been too stress, so it could have been a number of things that caused the sore to bleed open. Nonetheless, she was told to expect another incident and that if she would like to be prescribed a medication he would be willing to do so for her. Lourdes knew she wouldn’t though. It was a draw for her to even be seen by him, but she knew Justin wouldn’t have left her alone if she hadn’t, hopefully the good doctor would keep his silence all the way through.

" That’s usually how it goes. Doctor -patient confidentiality." She smiled, but received nothing in return. She took a seat on the bed, and ignored the way his eyes drilled into hers.

" I just talked to Lenny, he said your father went out of town for business yesterday." She tried to hide the shock on her face, but could tell Justin had guessed that she didn’t even know Johnny was gone. She didn’t even know when he planned to come back, she wondered if Justin knew.

" Oh..when will he be back?"

" He said about a week." Lourdes should have known, she chastised herself for even beginning to feel upset. It wasn’t like Johnny was always around, but he could have at least said good bye. HE could have at least told her he was going. Now what was she supposed to do.

" Well. I’m used to it. Can you drop me off..or should I call Lenny?" She pretended that tears weren’t pushing at the back of her lids, like she didn’t feel absolutely alone and deathly afraid. Who was she supposed to turn to, hell even talk to, now that everyone was leaving. She shuddered within, wishing she knew how to get a fix. At least then she wouldn’t be so worried about being alone.

" About last night..." his eyes were now moving everywhere in the room. He couldn’t look at her and say this, because he very well knew he wouldn’t mean any of it. He had decided, after the spending the night fighting the urge to climb into bed next to her, that he should apologize for taking advantage of her. It was the least he could do, since he knew the feelings JC had for her and obviously the feelings she had for JC. His heart began to race, and his palm began to sweat, he didn’t want to do this. But it was only fair, and maybe she was right- maybe they were wrong. After all, what good could he do her when he was bounded by law to be Britney Spears’ boyfriend for the next two years. Was he going to spend the rest of his nights thinking about Lourdes, when she would probably be close by in JC’s arms. Would he really expect her to want to suffer through the tabloids, and paparazzi for him, knowing that he could never deny Britney as his girlfriend? He sighed within himself, hoping that his unexplainable feelings for her would subside..they just had to.

" I shouldn’t have gone there with you. I guess you were right, I guess I wanted what JC has." He gulped, his eye no longer able to take the anger rising in hers. " So, I just want to say I’m sorry and if you ever need anything..." he stopped himself, even he knew it sounded ridiculous after what he just said. How could he possibly tell her that he was there for her no matter what, and not sound like a complete hypocrite? " Look, it never happened." he sighed, stood up and walked out the door. He placed the call to Lenny, she needed to be picked up, there was no way he would be able to spend another moment around her.

She hated him. She hated him for the way he made her toes curl whenever he placed a kiss against her skin. She hated the way her heart skipped several beats whenever he decided to walk into whatever room she was occupying. She hated him for ever trying to open her up and get her to trust him, and most of all she hated him for wanting exactly what she thought he wanted- JC’s girl. Lourdes fell onto her bed, holding the bandaged arm that ached for a fix. She closed her eyes and imagined that Justin Timberlake never existed, and his kisses she never felt. She was hoping all that she thought of him was just her defense mechanisms taking over, she never suspected that he was only really after her because of JC. How foolish she was to think that his kisses and his touch all stemmed from his desire to have her, just because she was Lourdes and not because she was Lourdes who JC liked. Damn him!

" You have imaginary friends?" JC fell on top of her before she could even shriek out a response. He covered her, his arms pulling her closer to him, as he stared down at her. She smiled hesitantly, knowing that he couldn’t have heard her thoughts but scared that he had anyway.

" What are you doing here?" she asked, her voice trembling. She had opted to stay home today, even though Lenny persisted that the guys requested she be there for their departure. She just couldn’t bare it. She didn’t want to see them go, but most of all she was back to avoiding Justin. It was worse this time around. This time, they had went to far, and for what, for her to be told she was just a prize to be stolen from JC. What an ass. She knew she was better off, JC’s kind eyes told her so.

" I’m here for you." he smiled, before leaning down and kissing her sweetly. His kisses were so soft, so gentle, and very kind. Nothing at all like the animalistic way Justin’s mouth claimed hers, which was probably why her body didn’t faint with passion but filled with pleasantness. She breathed happily into their kiss and wondered how she ever thought to pass him up. JC was nothing like Justin, he was everything Justin wasn’t, which was a hell of a lot since Justin was a supreme asshole.

" Really. I’m sorry I couldn’t come today. I would have just been so..." but he silenced her with a kiss, his hands never leaving her side. She wondered how JC could control himself, how it was that he could kiss her and touch her, but not be on the brink of making love to her. Unlike Justin.

" SO I hope your packed..Oh gosh." Chris shrieked, walking in on JC and Lourdes. Lourdes flew up, shocked, to see Lance and Joey following behind Chris into her room. Luckily she was dressed in a casual pair of sweats and a regular tank. She looked a mess, but at least she was fully clothed.

" Where’s a camera when you need one?" Joey teased, winking at Lourdes, who blushed.

" I hate your candid camera." Lance stated looking at Joey with disdain. Lourdes remembered how steamed Lance had gotten once he realized Joey had taped him talking to his mother- with a natural baby tone- and replayed it for all of them. Lance was beet red, which was a shock to his pale skin.

" I bet you do mommie’s dearest." Joey laughed, walking further into the room and plopping down beside JC and Lourdes.

" What is this?" Lourdes asked, wondering why they were all here and not on the road headed to their first gig.

" This is an official kidnapping. Our plan fell through last night." Chris smiled evilly, rubbing his hands together. Lourdes rolled her eyes and climbed off the bed. Turning to face them, she put her hands on her hips, prepared to demand her answer.

" I love it when they get bossy." Joey sighed, which only made Lourdes laugh. She quickly recovered and began glaring at all of them.

" Okay, what’s going on?"

" Your going with us." Lance shrugged, as if that was the obvious answer.

" No. I’m not." There was an uneasy feeling in her stomach as she looked back in forth between all the guys.

" Unless you don’t want to." JC smiled, his good looks weakening her resolve. Were they insane? Or did they forget her father practically forbid her to be seen in public with them? Even if she was allowed, there would be no way she could spend any amount of time holed up on a tour bus with Justin. Absolutely no way!

"It’s not that..it’s just that..my father."

" He’ll live. Anyway, we got a week before we’re really busted. You might as well live it up." Chris said, clearly indifferent to Johnny’s orders. Lourdes wanted to give in, but there was still the problem of Justin. He was an even bigger burden to her than her father.

" And if your worried about Justin.." her heart dropped, how did any of them know.. " He’s one of five. You can ignore his bad moods easily. Trust me." Lance offered, his smile genuinely sincere. Lourdes wore the look of doubt, she was sure they all thought it would be a blast to have her, but she wasn’t so sure herself. She didn’t need to be around them if her sore decided to open or if her attacks started to come back. Noticing her hesitation, JC slid off the bed and placed his arms around her waist.

" Please, baby girl, I won’t take no for an answer." He leaned in to kiss her softly amiss all the groans that followed.