Chapter I: You Make Me
"Sweet comic valentine
You make me smile with my heart."

Life was good.

Life was good, because last month I had everything—or at least something. It was wedding season (I'm a wedding planner) and every woman was in a tissy, rushing to throw on a white dress so she could run down the aisle, sometimes having to drag her future husband along with her. So my money was definitely flowing right. It was the mildest winter ever, almost just like an extended fall. It was just sweater weather.

Now it's divorce season, weddings I'd planned last year were now under re-evaluation with former blushing brides and proud grooms glaring at each other in silent war as their lawyers hashed out the messy details. Now the money wasn't coming in the way I'd want it to, or the way my landlord would want it to. I had a good amount of rainy day savings, but now it was pouring and unfortunately the old man wasn't snoring and was steadily knocking on my door wanting—scratch that—demanding that he have his money now rather than later.

Now all the snow that we'd been spared for the last few months was coming back with a vengeance. And it'd taken me the better part of an hour to just find my car in all the mess of snow that had covered it before I then spent the next few hours digging it out and of course I did this alone, while man after man just shuffled on by, pretending like they couldn't see me struggling. And sure, maybe I would've declined their help, but the point was they didn't even offer. I still liked the illusion of chivalry even if I knew I'd just reject it in the end.

Once I'd finally succeeded in getting my car out I was too tired to actually drive it anywhere, so I had to go take a nap. Cut to an hour later, when I was out there again, this time with the pleasure of getting to scrap off all the ice that had accumulated there while I was gone.

With my little bit of money and my little bit of gas, I began my trip across the country. I know, not the smartest idea, not the brightest, but I also never claimed to be. If I had the money for a plane ticket, you better believe my ass would've been on one.

No matter, I was there now. LA, that is. Which might as well have been the other side of the world. I'd barely made it and after that last gas stop, I'm surprised I didn't wind up in jail after I had to hurt someone at the sight of those gas prices.

C'est la vie. I'd arrived. And I could proceed to kick ass here if need be.

As I stared at the door debating on whether or not to ring the bell or knock, I knew I was losing my resolve. You don't drive three thousand miles over the span of forty-one hours and fourteen minutes and just turn around and run back with your tail between your legs. I'd come too far with too little to just give up now. I was here now so...

The door opened then and a short woman with her hair pulled back in a tight bun was smiling at me. "Help you?"

Oh, lord. He'd gone bougie and gotten a maid. She was even wearing an apron, looking like the maid on The Brady Bunch—what was her name? Alicia, Alex, Allie—

"Help you?"

"Alice!"

Now the poor woman was really confused. She just frowned at me for a moment; her eyebrows scrunched together, her head cocked to the side. I could almost hear her brain churning as it searched for the correct English phrase for this situation. So I said, "I'm an old friend of Justin's."

Her frown only grew at this. I'm not surprised, I'm sure she's gotten dumber responses from women trying to weasel their way in. But this was the truth unfortunately. If it wasn't, please believe my broke ass would've stayed in New York.

I tried to think of another way to put it, another way to explain my showing up out of nowhere, without actually having to explain anything. I was drawing a huge blank. Fortunately, she must've been in a good (or stupid—whatever works) mood, because instead of closing the door in my face, she led me inside, telling me Justin was in his studio.

"Figures."

She frowned again at this.

I waved her confusion away and said, "Nevermind, thanks!"

The house was basically the exact same way I'd remembered it. Huge. Intimidatingly large, yet cozy. I rushed through the rooms then down the stairs to the studio, once I was at the bottom of the stairs I hesitated.

He was in the booth. Probably recording a demo that he'd later play for Timbaland, since they seemed to be bosom buddies nowadays. For awhile, he didn't even notice me and I was almost okay with that. I'd always liked watching him work. But this time it was just making me more anxious, I just wanted to say what I had to say and be out. The longer I waited, the more it would sink in how stupidly rash this whole trip was. I could have just as easily cussed him out over the phone. True, not as satisfying as doing it face-to-face. But face-to-face meant looking at him, seeing him, being close to him and I hadn't done any of those things in five years.

This man in front of me may have looked and even crooned like the Justin I used to know, but he could be a completely different person by now. Hell, maybe I was a completely different person now.

When he finally opened his eyes, he just stared at me for a long moment. For a second it was like he was actually frozen and I had to wonder if he'd stopped breathing, then he was rushing forward, snatching the headphones off and bursting through the doors towards me, which then caused me to freeze.

Then he froze. And we were frozen. And I was pissed, because this was not how I'd planned it all out in my head. In my head, I was supposed to come storming into the room, shove the invitation I'd gotten out of the mail a few days ago into his face and then proceed to rip him a new one before storming off in a blaze of self-righteous glory.

Instead I was just scared shitless of a man that I'd used to be so comfortable with that I'd let him see me first thing in the morning, stank breath, no make-up, crazy bed-head—with or without a scarf on. But now he wasn't best friend, buddy, pal, Justin. He was Justin Timberlake, Justin and I'd never so self-conscious around him before--or anyone, really.

When he decided to take charge—which of course pissed me off more—and break into the silence, he said, "Hey."

Hey. Hey, like we haven't just gone five consecutive years without speaking. Hey, like my showing up out of nowhere was in no way a big deal to him. Hey, like if it had of been five more years on top of the five already gone by, he'd have still just said hey, because he's an asshole like that.

Only he wasn't an asshole. And that pissed me off too. I was the asshole. And I should've never come here.

But I was here now and there was no going back. I was here so...

I raised the slightly (very) crumpled invite—which had only gotten that way after I'd balled it up and threw it at a wall. He just stared at it like he didn't know what it was, so I helped him out. "You thought this was funny, didn't you?" I was shaking the invite in his face now, but he was just calmly staring at me. I hated when he did that. The angrier I'd get, the calmer he got. "Well, let me tell you it was fucking hilarious."

"What?" he said, still going with his play dumb plan. "What are you doing here?"

What am I doing here? What am I doing here?

Like he doesn't know!

"Like you don't know."

I was still shaking the invite in his face and he was still just as calm as ever, if not calmer, though his brow had become wrinkled, his eyebrows knitted in what looked like confusion. I almost faltered, almost second guessed myself, but it was an invitation to his wedding, so who else would send it but him?

Shaking the invite a few more times in his face for good measure, I said, "Sending me a friggin’ invitation for your friggin’ wedding that's going to be on Valentine's Day, my birthday, when you probably knew I was alone and lonely that's pretty low."

This only made his frown grow. "What happened to the accountant, what-his-face?"

"That was five years ago, Justin!"

"And that's the last time I saw you."

Rolling my eyes, I crossed my arms against my chest. "So you're saying you didn't send me this?"

"No."

I narrowed my eyes at him and he didn't do any of his telltale signs of lying, he just stared blankly at me. Then I narrowed my eyes at the invite, just staring at it as if it had betrayed me. And maybe it had. I said, "Then who did?"

That who said, "I did."

I turned towards the voice, finding a petite redhead standing behind me with a stern look on her face.

"Why?" I said and Justin wound up saying it right along with me.

"Cause I find it funny when people from Justin's past randomly come back and ruin his happiness."

I just stared at her for a moment in silence, a frown growing on my face as she just stared right back without any further elaboration, looking just as stern as ever. Finally, I gave up on trying to figure her out directly and looked again at Justin, hitching a thumb back at the woman, I said, "Who is this? Where did she come from and can you send her back?"

"Valerie. She's from Chicago. And no, she's my fiancée."

I turned back to look at her again. This Valerie lady was nothing like the type of women he used to go for (i.e. the tall, wafer blonde celebrity chicks). Valerie was normal, not to say she wasn't pretty, because she was--despite the slightly librarian feel she gave off—but she definitely was lacking the wow factor of his previous girlfriends. Of course, none of those women had gotten him this far in a relationship either. When the three-year mark hit, they had all gotten the boot.

I was tempted to ask how long they'd been dating, and how they'd managed to keep this out of the tabloids. Because for as much I'd tried to ignore all things Justin, it was damn hard when the paparazzi and pretty much everyone who didn't live under a rock loved to pay attention to him—even if all he was doing was eating a sandwich or pumping some gas. And yet in still, this woman, this short, fiery-headed, seemingly pitbull in a skirt had gone undetected this whole time—for however long that was. And even as I was just openly staring at her, sizing her up, she never flinched. Not once. Bully for her.

I said to her, "I'm assuming that was some sort of joke."

"Are you unfamiliar with sarcasm?"

I laughed dryly, gritted my teeth, licked my lips, and when I pointed my finger at her, Justin must have known what was going to happen next cause he immediately jumped in between the two of us.

"Val's humor is rather...dry."

"So this," I said, raising the invite again and again shaking it so I wouldn't start shaking her. "Was a joke? Her joke on me. For my birthday." I didn't wait for an answer; I'd already heard more than enough and just turned to walk away before I wound up hurting one or the both of them.

"I'm sure the actual invite wasn't a joke." Justin said, his steps following mine, before he grabbed my wrist, making me stop. Turning to his fiancée, he said, "Right, Val?"

"Right. It was real. I invited you."

"See."

All I was seeing was that Justin's taste in women had swayed away from famous bubbly blondes to crazy redhead bitches. I said, "Why? You don't even know me. And I'm sure what Justin's said about me over the years hasn't exactly made you want to get to know me."

"Actually it did." She said, taking a step forward now. "I thought to myself if this is a person he hasn't seen in all these years, hasn't talked to, and supposedly doesn't much like anymore, why does he bring her up so often? Even if it was just under the pretense of complaint. Why is he still holding on? She must be something pretty special."

I smirked, holding my arms out and swirling slowly. "As you can see that assumption was wrong."

Now don't get me wrong, I know I'm not some plain Jane type, I know I can turn some heads when I want to, but I was like Valerie in a way—of course crazy bitch tendencies aside—I was just a normal woman. I didn't lead an extraordinary life, more like just an extra ordinary one. I didn't have people camped outside my home, salivating at a chance to snap a picture of me walking down the street. I was the around the way girl, pretty normal.

Valerie didn't seem to think so though. She said, "I'm not quite sure yet. His reaction to you today wasn't at all the way a person acts when they're confronted with someone they've been avoiding for several years."

"Well," I looked at Justin and said, "Tell her how much you hate me so I can leave."

He'd opened his mouth, but his fiancée was the one who actually got to speak and I got a feeling that this happened a lot in their relationship. She said, "He doesn't hate you. He's angry, about what exactly I'm not sure. Cause he never would tell me." She stared back and forth between Justin and I as if whatever secret she thought there was to tell was going to come spilling out in that moment.

"Well, that sounds like some issues y'all can work out on your own." I said, yet again making moves to extract myself out of this situation.

"Wait, aren't you forgetting something?"

"No."

"You haven't RSVP'ed yet."

"You can't seriously think I'm coming."

"Why wouldn't you?"

"Are you serious?" Looking at Justin I said, "Is she serious?"

Then he looked at his fiancée and said, "Baby, you can't really expect her to come."

"She's still your friend isn't she?"

A 'no' and a 'yes' were said at the same time. The no was from me, the yes from Justin. We stared at each other in silence for a moment, before Valerie once again spoke up.

"What are you doing tomorrow?" She said, looking pointedly at me.

"Probably not whatever you're about to ask me to do."

"You're a wedding planner right?"

I opened my mouth and closed it, did this two more times before I reluctantly said, "Right, but you've already got it planned, so it's not like..."

"You could help me go over a few last minute things."

"I could but I'm just so..."

"Nine. You can meet me here at nine."

"In the morning?"

"No, in the afternoon."

"It's going to take a while to get used to," not strangling you, I thought, but what I said was, "your humor."

She just shrugged and said, "So I'll see you then?"

"Do I have a choice?"

Justin said, "Doesn't sound like it."

I looked at him then I looked at Valerie, who if not in this life, in a past life was probably a headmistress and beat kids with her ruler. I sighed as I heard myself saying, "I'll see you then."

- + -

With my zero dollars and one credit card, I'd managed to secure a hotel room for the night. I couldn't believe I was actually doing this, but the next morning I was over at what I was now assuming was their place instead of just being Justin's, bright and early and fully caffeined loaded.

Valerie turned out to be a morning person. I'd just barely managed not to turn into a homicidal person. There wasn't enough coffee in the world to prepare myself for the chipper, bopping of Valerie in morning. Her mouth just kept going and going and going. I almost thought about just getting up and leaving, because with the way she was talking it was obvious that she didn't really need me here. A pillow or an air particle would’ve done just fine too.

Thankfully though as the morning wound down so did her energy. It was like watching a balloon that's pricked with a tiny hole, slowly deflate. And while she was losing momentum I was only just truly finding my own energy outside of caffeine boosts.

and your slowly shaking finger tips
show that you're scared like me so

And now she'd left Justin and I alone. Though I had a feeling that we weren't as alone as she'd want us to think we were.

let's pretend we're alone
and I know

"She's setting you up." I said. "I hope you realize this is a set up."

"I know."

you may be scared
and I know we're unprepared

Looking at him, I waited for him to say more. He didn't, so I said, "So ...do something!"

He just smiled for a moment, before sighing and saying, "What do you want me to do? Tell her I'm not secretly in love with you, like she seems to think I am?"

"No, no." I shook my head at that and laughed. "That would be stupid. Why don't you just sit back, look pretty and do nothing. Cause clearly... that's a much better idea."

but I don't care

To that he said nothing and didn't even look at me.

Glancing at him, I said, "What happened to you?"

He turned back to me then. "What do you mean?"

tell me tell me
what makes you think that you are invincible

"I mean, where's your balls? Did you give 'em to her as an early wedding present? Cause that would be cute." I nudged him. "You should make a song about that. It's my balls in a box!"

Again, he said nothing.

I can see it in your eyes that you're so sure
please don't tell me

My smile dropped. This is not the Justin I used to know at all.

"Seriously, what happened to you? I'm busting your hypothetical balls and you're as responsive as a person in a coma or JC's career—same difference."

That one earned me an instant frown. "If you want to talk shit about me that's one thing, but leave my friends out of it."

"Your friend? I talk to him more than you do now."

He rolled eyes, but went quiet again.

"And we're back to that."

that I am the only one that's vulnerable
impossible

I didn't immediately try to dive in and push us out of the way from the silence that was barreling at us. This time I let the collision happen. I let the impact sink in. I let it be. How you deal with silence was very important in relationships, romantic or platonic. The longer you could endure silence the better the relationship. Back when Justin and I were basically Siamese twins we were so close, silence was nothing. We ate silence for lunch. Now we stumbled when silence came around. Now silence made me itchy, like a wool sweater I was just dying to get out of. And yet he kept bringing it around, this itchy silence and forcing it on me. On us. Only if it was bothering him the way it was bothering me, he was doing a damn good job of hiding it.

"I was joking. About Josh. You know I was joking right? I love that dude."

I was born to tell you I love you
isn't that a song already?
I get a B in originality

Nodding, he said, "I know you do."

Sounded like he said that with some slight bitterness, but maybe I was just reading too much into it. I did use to have a huge crush on JC, but he was older and cute and completely not interested in me so that was to be expected I guess, but Justin had never really seen it that way and had always seemed to be vaguely annoyed by it, even when he'd used to tease me about it.

and it's true I can’t go on without you

I watched Justin's profile for a few seconds, wondering what he'd been doing in the last five years that made him like this. Wondered why he'd been avoiding JC just as much as I'd been avoiding him this whole time. Wondered if JC wasn't the only person he'd been avoiding--maybe it didn't matter that I was avoiding him because he had been avoiding me right back.

Then I nudged him again. He looked at me, I smiled and said the first thing that came to mind when I looked at him, "You know I love you too."

your smile makes me see clearer
if you could only see in the mirror what I see

He smiled back and it was the same old smile, the kind of smile that could probably make anything okay--even itchy sweater like silences; he'd opened his mouth to say something, but before he could, Valerie came out of nowhere and yelled, triumphantly, "I knew it!"

and your slowly shaking finger tips
show that you're scared like me so
let's pretend we're alone

We both jumped. Her eyes just narrowed at this. Maybe it did look a little suspicious.

and I know you may be scared
and I know were unprepared
but I don't care

"What the fuck?"I said, holding her heart and frowning at Valerie. "However you took it, that's definitely not how I meant it."

tell me tell me
what makes you think that you are invincible

Justin nodded. Standing up now, wrapping his arms around Valerie, he said, "There's very few things you can be sure of in this life, but one of them is that Simone Smalls doesn't genuinely love me. Or could ever genuinely express such a feeling to anyone."

I can see it in your eyes that you're so sure
please don't tell me that I am the only one that's vulnerable

Then he kissed the side of her face in such a way to produce a bunch of Pepto Bismol like giggles from her. I say Pepto Bismol giggles, solely based on the fact that it makes me want to puke.

impossible

- + -

I was back in my hotel room. I should've been packing up, getting ready to make that long trip back to New York, because there was no reason to stay here any longer.

Okay, of course there was pretty of reasons to stay longer, but most of them were just about being nosey and trying to figure out what Justin could possibly see in Valerie. Leaving now wouldn't give me any answers about their well kept secret relationship. But staying wasn't an option.

So I was packing my bags—or bag rather, since I hadn't brought much because I hadn't been planning on staying long—when the phone rang. If it wasn't for the steady, persistent ringing, I would've never picked up in the first place. It's not like anybody knew where I was staying here so I wasn't expecting any calls.

I, very politely, answered with a, "Who gave you this number?"

"Or hello works too."

It was Valerie. Apparently she was a evil headmistress, a stern librarian and a former CIA agent all rolled into one short, tenaciously cunning woman. I rolled my eyes, but didn't add anything to the conversation.

She said, "You didn't unpack did you?"

"...no." I hesitated, waiting for an explanation, but when none came, I said, "Why?"

"I heard you're a little strapped for cash lately, so this little excursion is probably not bank account friendly for you."

Damn is there anything this woman doesn't know or can't find out? I wanted to ask just that, but instead I just chalked it up to Justin having somehow found out through the grapevine (JC or my mom) and that's how he knew and was able to tell her.

"And no, Justin didn't tell me that. Lynn did. Apparently you haven't talked to her in awhile either, but your mom and her still speak every once in awhile."

Always glad to know I can count on dear old mum to spread my business around. When I opened my mouth to speak, Valerie must've decided waiting for me to do that would take too long and reading my mind again would just be easier. She said, "No, he doesn't even know. She didn't tell him. Figured your pride wouldn't like that much. Said, your pride means everything to you."

It was one thing for my own momma to tell everyone and their momma about my business, but I didn’t like that Lynn had done this, especially to tell Valerie no less.

I could see Valerie being all chummy with Lynn, but just as a way to pump her for information, but then again, Lynn had always been a pretty good judge of character so if that's all Valerie was about she'd have figured that out before long. But how close were Lynn and Valerie?

Lynn had almost been like a second mother to me. Sometimes even when I had my mother nearby to talk to, I'd still call her and ask her advice on things. And I know I should've put my pride to the side and called one of them—Justin or Lynn, but hell, the phone works both ways. And if they know so much and knew what was stopping me from picking up the phone, why couldn't they have just done that?

Pride was about all I had left and nobody was taking that away from me.

Then Valerie said, "And no, I won't tell him either. I'll just say you're staying with us for a bit cause I keep my friends close, and my enemies closer."

"We're enemies already? I don't even know your last name."

"Timberlake," she said and hung up without another word.

I just stared at the phone, wondering if I was really that broke that I had to take this job. Sighing, I dropped the phone into the receiver.

Goddammit.

- + -

Simone Smalls was a professional. Simone Smalls didn't let the fact that she was now helping to plan the wedding of her former best friend, now awkward quasi-friend keep her from doing her job to the fullest. Simone Smalls sometimes thought in the third person when she was trying to justify a stupid decision.

I should've just said no. I've should've just gone back to New York. I should've just scrounged up my little chump change (formerly known as a life's savings) and gone back to New York, sucked it up—it being my massive, stupid pride—and asked JC if I could move in with him for the time being. I knew he'd say yes. I knew it, but I couldn't ask him. I didn't need saving.

Simone Smalls didn't need saving. Simone Smalls was no damsel in distress. Simone Smalls was a rescuer, a soon to be phoenix who was going to rise out of these ashes. Simone Smalls really needed to stop thinking in the third person.

Besides working for Valerie was fun.

Fun like sticking a fork into an electrical outlet while putting a leg into a tug of water. Good times.

When she wasn't being overly decisive and take charge via nitpicking, she'd occasionally ask me, "If it were you, what would you want?" Typical bride question, but coming from her it never seemed that way completely. Maybe I was just being paranoid though. Maybe I just didn't want to like her and since she didn't care if I liked her or not that didn't help matters.

And neither was the fact that Justin was definitely avoiding me. He wasn't doing it an obvious way. He wasn't walking out of the room as soon I'd come in. He wasn't suddenly going mute when I'd start talking. It was all very subtle, things that you'd have to know him to know that he was brushing you off. Under normal circumstances, I would've either confronted him or let it go, but I was doing neither. And it was driving me up the wall.

That is until I overheard Valerie and Justin fighting. I know, I know, I'm horrible for finding some joy in that, but hey, I never claimed to be an angel. Plus, it wasn't even a juicy fight anyways, nothing to get any dirt on her from, they were just fighting over the fact that Justin had still not picked out a tux yet. Which wasn't worth eavesdropping on, so I stopped listening, until I heard my name being dropped into the mix.

Next thing I knew, Valerie was in my face. "Take him. You've got to take him, before I kill him."

I just stared at her.

"Please." She said, like she really was afraid she'd kill him if he didn't get out of here soon and into a shop and into a tux fitting. Scary thing was, I'm not really sure that was an exaggeration either.

Now I was standing outside with a sullen Justin. I might have laughed at his pouting face if I knew the chances of his anger spilling out and over onto me about Valerie and whatever else was really bothering him wasn't mostly likely to happen if I did. So I held it in.

He said, "Which car do you want to take? Yours or mine?"

I wanted to go in his, mainly because I hadn't ridden in anything that nice...well since the last we'd hung out. JC would've never driven in something this flashy. Instead I heard myself saying something about going in separate cars.

"Okay" was all he said, before he walked over to his car.

I stood in the driveway, frowning and watching as he pulled out, before it really hit me that he wasn't going to argue with me about it like he used to.

Well, all-righty then.

- + -
You have my heart
And we'll never be worlds apart
Maybe in magazines
But you'll still be my star

Suit hunting had turned out to be far more tedious than I could have imagined it to be. Several hours later and it looked like it was finally over.

"That's it. That's the suit."

He was doing a slow spin in front of the mirror, looking very unconvinced. He said with a slight frown, "You think?"

"I know! That's it."

He still didn't look convinced, but he stopped looking at his reflection and looked at me for a long considering moment, as if instead of trying the suits on he should've been trying me on to see if I still fit him. Then he turned, heading back into the dressing room without saying another word.

Baby cause in the dark
You can't see shiny cars

"What?" I said to his retreating back, his former frown now transposed onto my face. "You don't like it?"

"I like it." He said, from behind the closed curtains.

And that's when you need me there

"Then what's the problem?"

With you I'll always share
Because

When all he did was sigh, I sighed back and said, "If you don't like it, we can..."

"I said, I like it."

"So what are we fighting about?"

When the sun shines, we’ll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever

Then he walked out, conveniently forgetting that he was only half dressed. His chest bare to the world, though technically it was a very small world, since I was the only one around at the moment to see. He just stared at me for a second, before he said, "Why couldn't we drive in the same car?"

The frown that I'd started to lose at the sight of him was back. "This is why you've been pissy all day? Cause we drove in separate cars?"

Said I'll always be a friend

Instead of answering me, he went back to the way he'd been all day: silent and broody. He went back into the dressing room without saying anything and when he came back out, this time he was fully dressed and carrying the suit across his arm.

"So are you getting it?"

To this he said nothing, like I kind of figured he would, but he answered the question anyway, since he went straight to the counter and paid for it. Out of the store now, I watched him heading straight for his car, still saying nothing to me. Throwing my hands up in the air, I said, "What the fuck, Justin? This has to be the dumbest fight in the world."

Still tight-lipped, he got into the car, but didn't drive off. I went to mine, but didn't drive off either. His pissy mood was rubbing off me. I just sat there gripping the wheel with y keys dangling from the ignition, while I occasionally glanced over at him. A few minutes passed this way, him not moving, me not moving, until I gave in and made the first move by getting out of my car and going over to his.

Took an oath I'ma stick it out till the end

He unlocked the door, but didn't look at me. As I slid into the passenger seat, he muttered a "fasten your seat belt" before he finally started the car.

- + -
Now that it's raining more than ever

"Does it still count as kidnapping if you got into the car willingly?"

I don't know how long we'd been driving for. I don't know where we are. I do know that my butt went numb about an hour ago. My stomach's been growling for the last ten minutes. And Justin hasn't spoken to me at all.

Know that we'll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella

"Like, is there a time limit on it? If you don't complain about what's happening within the first hour, then it's not a kidnapping situation?"

He was still annoyingly silent.

You can stand under my umbrella

I sighed and groaned. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

These fancy things, will never come in between
You're part of my entity, here for infinity
Because

"How many times are you going to ask me that?"

"How many times are you going to make things unbearably awkward?"

When the war has took its part
When the world has dealt its cards

And when he fell quiet again, I screamed with shaking fists and all. "I fucking hate your stupid ass."

If the hand is hard, together we'll mend your heart

When I looked over at him, he was smiling now. Slightly. The fucker.

My stomach growled again. "I'm hungry."

He opened his mouth, closed it. Then a moment later he said, "How come you never came up with a nickname for me?"

I just frowned at the side of his head for a moment, before I tried to remain calm as I said, "Justin, I don't know what's wrong with you. I changed my major away from psychology for a reason. But if you've become a psychopath in the last five years, I understand. Life without me has gotta be a bitch and a half of an Olsen twin. But right now, I'm hungry. I don't think well when I'm hungry. I don't respond well when I'm hungry. I don't fucking care about your issues over not having a nickname from me, when I'm hungry!" I was screaming by then, more like screeching actually.

But the squeaky wheel gets the oil and closed mouths don't get fed. And so screaming at him had led to us pulling into the nearest drive-thru. He actually looked a little scared as he was handing my sandwich over. This only made me smile, not as much as the sight of my food did though. When I finished eating, I wiped my mouth and said, "Thanks."

He looked over at me as if he was afraid to make eye contact. "I forgot how you are when you haven't eaten in a while."

Smiling, I shrugged. "Betcha won't forget again."

A thoughtful look passed across his face and I rolled my eyes, because I knew his mind had backtracked now that he thought it was safe again to do so, so I said, "I never came up with a nickname for you cause you already had too many. Trousersnake, Curly, Stinky, JT, J, that God awful Juju." I shuddered. "So it's not like you really needed another one."

You can run into my arms
It's okay don't be alarmed

He glanced at me and probably would have stared a bit if we'd been at a red light. "I know, but..." His eyes shifted back to the road that seemed to be leading us into a similar nowhere that this conversation was. "I gave you one. JC gave you one and you have one with him."

I sighed. "JC calls me Loser. I call him Freak. Those aren't things you normally want to be called."

"You two aren't normal. Well, you're not normal and he's not normal around you."

"You don't even call me Biggie anymore, so what difference does it make?"

Come into me

"We don't even talk anymore."

"So there you go. You don't need nicknames for a person you don't talk to."

There's no distance in between our love

When we fell back into silence I knew that if I let him be the one to speak first that he was going to do something stupid and want to talk about his feelings. Instead I focused on the more practical side of things.

"Justin, be honest, are we lost?"

So go on and let the rain pour
I'll be all you need and more
Because

He blushed and nodded sheepishly.

"You're such a stupid ass." I said. "Now you have a nickname from me."

"Stupid ass?"

"Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?"

He was quiet again, but being confined in this car with him, knowing he was going to eventually want to push issues that were the reasons (whether smart or otherwise) for us having not spoken in five years, the anxious anticipation was driving me crazy. And I knew that's what he was counting on.

"I know what you were thinking when you did this. You thought if you got me alone and trapped that we'd talked. That we'd talk about shit we probably should've talked about years ago, so we can finally get over it. But what you failed to realize is, that I am over it. Okay? I'm over it. We don't have to do any emotional heavy lifting, cause I'm over it. And now you're wondering if you're over it too? Well, you damn well better be since you're on the fast track to getting married. And pass or fail on the marriage, I'm still getting paid for the wedding."

It's raining

That was not the response he'd been looking for. I could read that loud and clear, even just from his profile. But instead of going quiet again and biding his time, he said, "I think we should turn around and ask the people in that gas station back there how to get out of here."

Ooh baby it's raining

I almost started to say something smart-assed about how real men don't ask for directions, but if it was possible for the people in that gas station to help us get out of here, the location or here, the awkwardness, I was more than willing to listen. Cause, hell, I was lost.

Baby come into me
Come into me
______________________________________________
This monstrosity featured: Secondhand Serenade - Vulnerable
Mandy Moore - Umbrella (cover)

Chapter II: You're My Favorite
"Your looks are laughable
Unphotographable
Yet you're my favourite work of art."

"Loser, I just called you fifty-eleven times, try picking up. I'm starving and there's this new restaurant I want to go to tonight, you wanna come with? It'll be just the two of us this time, promise. I know how bad you are at sharing. Call me back, this is JC."

I rolled my eyes at the message and called him back. Got his voicemail and leaving a message of my own, I said, "Hey, freak. I don't know why you always feel the need to remind me of who you are at the end of the message. But anyways, I can't. Kinda not even in the same state as you right now. So yeah, try to make it through dinner tonight without me."

Less than a minute went by before my phone was ringing. No sooner than I'd picked up, he said without any preamble, "What do you mean you're not in the same state as me?"

"Why didn't you answer before?"

"Why are you avoiding answering my question, which is clearly more important?"

"Hmm. If I find out you were cheating on me with that Deli girl again, I won't kill you. But I'll hit something vital."

Deli girl was the clever and subtle name I'd given the girl who worked at the deli JC liked to go to all the time. He claimed he only went there as often as he did because they treated him like a regular joe and plus they made some kick ass subs, but I always joked that he went there for her. Teasing JC is one of my favorite pastimes, his face turns red so often and easily that I've made drinking games out of how many times I could make him blush during a given amount of time.

"Still not answering the question. Where are you?"

"Hotel California."

"Why?"

"Cause I've got a job here and the bills aren't going to pay themselves."

"You know Big Daddy's got you."

Laughing, I said, "Please, shut up."

Being the weirdo that he is, he actually shut up. So I said, "I was joking, freak."

"So who's the client? Must be someone pretty special to get you to go to LA, you said you hate that place."

I just forgot to add the part about how I only hate it cause I know that's where Justin lives. "I do hate LA."

"And...?"

"And I still need the money."

"So you're not going to tell me who you're working for?"

"If I say it, you're just going to get mad."

"Now you have to say it."

I sighed and muttered, "I'm planning Justin's wedding."

When he went quiet this time, I started to fear this was going to turn into one of those itchy sweater silences like Justin had been torturing me with. "Josh?"

"I didn't know y'all were talking again."

"Well, the thing is, I--we aren't." I said. "This was his fiancée's idea."

"How broke are you?" He finally laughed.

I didn't bother answering and just laughed too. Glad to be laughing instead of arguing over Justin, which surprisingly is something we've done quiet a bit, despite the lack of Justin in our daily lives. Well, that is until now, when the argument would be more appropriate, but whatever, I'm just glad for laughter.

"It was either this or stripping. I figured this would be less degrading."

"Seriously, Simone," he started and whenever he called me by my real name, I knew he was about to get into some shit. "You didn't have to run back to Justin, I would've helped you out."

I sighed. Great maybe this was going to turn into an argument. I said, "This isn't about running back to Justin. This isn't about Justin helping me out. Justin doesn't even know that I need helping...in or out. And Justin will continue not to know if I have anything to say about it. This is just a job. A slightly, very awkward job, but a job nonetheless. Believe it or not, but working is what folks who like to live indoors do to get money. We don't all have old boy-band bank rolls to fall back on."

"For the sake of not starting an argument, I'll pretend that I believe you, loser. And I'll see you, when I see you, I guess."

"Wait--Josh..." I sighed, not because I couldn't say what I wanted to say, but because I just didn't want to, because then he'd get to think that he was riding in on his white steed to save poor little ol' me who couldn't handle being around big bad Justin all by her lonesome. Ah, fuck it. "Can I see you sooner than that?"

"How soon?"

"Like...now."

"You know, loser, I have a really busy schedule, I can't just drop everything and run to your side just because you want me to."

I just laughed at that. We both knew that was a joke. "So in other words, I'll see you tomorrow, freak."

"Later, loser."

- + -

If the thought hadn't ever crossed my mind that inviting JC to Cali would be a (very) bad idea, it was crossing and pacing and bouncing around in my mind now and driving me crazy. Both Justin and Valerie kept giving me sideways glances then sharing little glances with each other--the kind of thing you do when you're afraid you've placed yourself within the realm of a crazy person.

I wasn't doing anything to really warrant the crazy person glances, but I was antsy. I was checking the clock a lot. JC's flight was due in a few hours and with each tick of the clock I was more anxious than before. How could I just invite him knowing there's tension between him and Justin?

It's like I'm a dramaholic or something. Honestly though when I extended the invitation--or plea, whatever--it was with the idea that this would be good for me. This would help me feel better about being stuck with these two for the time being, but now it was so obvious that JC wasn't the kind of company to soothe this matter over. JC, with his internalized bitterness toward Justin and Justin's solo career that sometimes stepped on the toes of JC's solo career--wasn't going to make things any easier. But he would try. I knew that at least. I knew he would try to be civil. For my sake at least.

Justin was another story though. I could have probably pegged how the old Justin would react to JC's arrival, this one I wasn't sure of. I guess it depended more on how Valerie would react and since she didn't know JC that shouldn't be bad, right? Unless Justin's been talking crap about JC. Though he was quick to come to his defense earlier.

So maybe I was being a crazy person. Maybe this whole thing wasn't nearly the big deal I had turned it into in my head. Maybe everything would be just fine after all.

- + -

"What is he doing here?"

My mouth opened and closed several times and still no sound was coming out. JC was just standing there, staring at Justin.

Well, this wasn't the warm greeting that I'd been hoping for.

Valerie was the one who wound up speaking. "Oh, you must be JC." She said, stepping towards him and shaking his hand. "I've heard so much about you. But I must say, you're even cuter in person."

I rolled my eyes at this and almost laughed when I saw Justin do the same. Finding my voice, I said, "I'm sure Justin's said some very lovely things about him, too."

"Almost as lovely as what he's said about you."

Now Valerie and I were the ones staring, glaring at each other.

"Simone, seriously, what is he doing here?" Justin said, looking at me this time as he said it, instead of at JC.

"He's..." Licking my lips, I realized there was no good reason for this. Except maybe I was actually a dramaholic after all.

"I'm here cause she wants me to be here."

Well, there was that, too.

"And so..." He threw his arm over my shoulder and pulled me against his side. "Here I am."

Justin just stared at the two of us. I stopped making eye contact after awhile.

If left up to the three of us, we probably would've stayed in the tension of Justin's stare, JC's declaration and my averted eyes, but it wasn't just up to us. So to help us all out of this moment, Valerie threw in some pep when she said, "Well, the more the merrier, that's what I always say."

"You never say that." Justin said. And while he was still nowhere near happy, at least he wasn't staring at JC and me anymore.

"Well...whatever, you know what I mean." She said frowning at Justin for a moment, before turning back to JC and I. "She was probably just tired of feeling like the third wheel so she invited her boyfriend over."

She'd said boyfriend like it was a challenge. She was snooping, trying to figure out how close me and JC were. Probably hoping that I'd staked my claim to Josh so as to make her feel more secure that I wouldn't try to do so with her husband-to-be.

Before I could say anything, Justin said, "Oh, you two are together? Hmm, I can honestly say I didn't see that one coming."

JC had opened his mouth, probably to correct them, but I was slightly pissed off now--though at this point, not completely sure why--so instead did something stupid. "Actually, we are a couple."

"So what happened to that whole you're going to be alone on Valentine's thing?"

Oh, crap, I'd forgotten I'd said that. "Well...uh, me and JC have been dating for awhile and haven't actually put any labels on it yet, so you never know with these things."

"So then you aren't a couple?"

Valerie was watching Justin as closely as Justin was looking suspiciously at JC and I.

"It's one of those things where you don't even realize you haven't made it official until someone else just blatantly comes out and asks you about it."

I smiled, gratefully at JC for going along with this, though almost as soon as I blurted it out, I'd been thinking he would.

"Yeah, and we'd been a little rocky right before I got here, so that's probably why I said it. But we're good now, right?"

"Better than good, we're great." And he surprised me by ending that sentence with a kiss.

When the kiss broke Valerie looked somewhere between relieved and overjoyed and Justin's face just looked carefully blank like he was shutting down and I was hoping that my face wasn't giving us away.

- + -

"Why did you do that?"

Since JC was here now I didn't have to stay over at Justin's anymore and we were currently lounging in a swanky hotel suite. I'd told him he didn't have go this fancy for me and he'd just laughed and said, "everything isn't always about you."

"Did you hear the way he said it? Like...like the idea of us being a couple is completely ridiculous."

"Well, isn't it? Remember that one time you got really drunk and decided to make out with me? Remember how hard we laughed about it the next day when you started to remember what happened?" He laughed just thinking about it. "That was one of the worst kisses of my life, loser."

Shoving him with a smile I said, "Don't worry, freak, that's the first and last time I drink tequila and try to make you 'feel the love tonight.'"

"That had to be the worst Valentine's Day ever."

"Only cause you were a horrible surrogate Valentine."

That Valentine's Day had been my first one without Justin. What would turn out to be five years of avoidance had just begun and I had been determined to spend that day miserable and bitter and drowning myself in plenty of alcohol, chocolates and romantic movies. JC had decided to save me from this spinster attitude by claiming himself as my Valentine and then forcing me to go out and "have some fun." That fun had just led me to get drunk in a new location and apparently try and fail to have a nice drunken make-out session with him.

Oddly enough though, I can't think of a Valentine's Day during those five years that I didn't wind up spending with JC. And not for lack of trying. Somehow whatever relationship I had would fall apart right around that time. Or whatever date I'd thought I'd secured for that day would bail on me at the last moment. And it's not even like JC didn't have dates or girlfriends, but once he knew I was sulking somewhere by myself, he would ditch said date or girlfriend and come running to my side, which didn't pose well for him to have another date with that girl or for that relationship to last.

He'd always joked around that I was the only girl he needed in his life anyways. And mostly, I just laughed and took it for a joke. But sometimes, sometimes, I wondered if that's how he really felt.

Like take now for example. I call him, ask him to drop what he's doing and come see me when I'm on the other side of country and what does he do? He drops everything and comes to me

"Hey, freak, when I called you the other day, you didn't really have any plans did you?"

"Yeah, but it's cool. I can always reschedule."

I opened and closed my mouth several times, not saying a word, but wanting to, wanting to argue with him on that, because I knew not everything could just be rescheduled. And not everything should be rescheduled.

"You know you could have just said no." I said, trying to lessen my own guilt.

"And you know I can't say no to you."

Well, so much for that.

- + -

Double date.

It was Valerie's idea of course, but she'd been helped. Because when I'd tried to reject the idea with some lame excuse, Justin had suddenly jumped in extra excitedly as if the idea was the most brilliant thing he'd ever heard. And I'd just scowled at him and he'd just smiled at me and JC hadn't disagreed.

So here I was.

I sit around and wonder

Stuck in a double date that seemed like it was never going to end. Justin and I hadn't said much of anything to each other or anyone. But it almost didn't matter since JC and Valerie were yammering on about something or other and laughing it up, having a good ol' time. Well, at least someone was enjoying themselves, because I certainly wasn't.

I don't know what Justin had done with himself tonight, but I couldn't help looking him over. Over and over again. And I couldn't be sitting here with him looking this good to me and me feeling this horny and be expected to maintain dinner table manners.

About the fire in your eyes
The movement of your fingers

So finally, I decided I just needed to get away from him and them for a minute, so I excused myself to the ladies' room and fortunately Valerie didn't jump up and join me. Though I was almost safe within the restroom when someone did join me. Taking me by the hand and leading, dragging me further into the restaurant, into the back area where I was quite sure customers weren't allowed to be, that someone had turned out to be Justin.

The way you slowly complicate my life
From the time we spent together
Which is what led to our demise

"I know you're Justin Timberlake: International Pop Phenom and all, but I'm pretty sure that sign back there said 'employees only.'"

Speaking as if he couldn't hear me, he said, "Now tell me why he's really here."

And how we never can say never
But I struggle just to make it through most nights

I just frowned at him for a moment, then rolled my eyes and started to walk away and out the way I'd been dragged in, but he must've been on a caveman kick because all he did was drag me back.

"Believe it or not, but free will isn't limited to the y-chromosome carriers."

"Go on your feminism kick another time." He said, looking very serious. "Why is he here?"

But please never change, never change
No please never change, never change

What was I supposed to say to that? He was staring at me so earnestly, asking me so seriously that it seemed like obviously the right answer would be the truth. But the truth was something that I wasn't even sure on yet. Why was JC here? Why had I invited him to come here? Because despite all my trying to appear otherwise, I was one of those women that needed to be saved?

But from what? From Justin? No, he hadn't done much of anything, expect drive me off into the middle of nowhere and frustrate the hell out of me with his penchant for long silences. So what was it exactly?

Could it be January 'cause it feels so cold without you here
Oh you are the sun

I guess I did know. JC was here for this whole lie that I was about to say. For this lie that had seemingly sprouted out of nowhere, but was probably sinisterly lurking in the far corners of my mind, just waiting for its chance. Its chance to pop out and save me from having to be the loser. The one who was alone and god forbid lonely, because I'd run across the country to yell at my former best friend for leaving me without even having the decency to call me and tell me. Or hell e-mail me, even. I'd have taken that. Not happily, but it would've been something. But it was nothing, but a stupid invitation in the mail, which it turned out that he didn't even send, his nosy fiancée had been the one to do that.

Yesterday and everyday seems so plain
Now you're not here, my color's gone

And she'd gotten what she wanted, she gotten to see me in person. Gotten to watch Justin and I together. Gotten to see if there was anything left between us that could come back to bite her in the ass down the road. And since there wasn't, she'd gotten what she wanted. She was satisfied.

I could leave now. She was through with me, it's not like she'd actually needed me to plan the wedding. It was basically already done. She was one of those women who'd planned out her dream wedding years ago, had caterer names on standby, knew the church she wanted, the reception hall she wanted, knew little details like what flavor of cake, what the tables should like, who would be seated where, etc, etc. She'd planned it all.

I guess nobody's got a eyesight
There's nobody got a time

I'm a wedding planner and even I can't imagine being that organized so far ahead of time. I wondered how long it took before she'd started to factor Justin into her little dream wedding, which by the way, I'd seen the price tag and this definitely wasn't going to literally be a little dream wedding.

When this woman dreamed, she dreamed big, huge, lavishly expensive. After seeing how many zeros came after it, I was almost tempted to ask Justin how sure he was about all this based on that alone.

But that's neither here nor there. I knew the reason JC was here and I could finally admit it to myself: This engagement, wedding, soon-to-be marriage was drowning me in green flames and I couldn't think of anything else to do that could possibly get him back for it, other than bringing JC here. Which makes me a horrible, horrible, stupid, horrible person.

But that's not what I said though, because if I had that would've made me really stupid, or too honest, which sometimes is one in the same. What I actually said was, "He's my boyfriend and this is a double date, which you were so giddy to go on. And what kind of question is that anyways? I'm not asking you why your fiancée is here."

So I guess that makes me a horrible, horrible, stupid, horrible person with a side order of lies.

There's nobody got a conscience

"So you're screwing him then?"

He'd taken this just the way I figured he would. He looked so cute, so sexy when he was pissed off. I know, I know, noticing such a thing at such a time makes me a horrible, horrible, stupid, horrible person. I get it.

"What the fuck, Justin? You really need to get out of my face right now." I said, and tried not to be too proud of how well I could do fake indignant.

There's no one to pull us back from this divide

That would have been a perfect time to start moving my feet in the direction of the exit, but did I do this? No, of course not, because being the horrible, horrible, stupid, horrible person with a side order of lies, I couldn't just walk away from this moment that my lies had laid at my feet.

Walking away would allow for cool off time. Cool off time would allow for no passionate kisses, no pushing me against this back room 'employees only' wall and pinning me there, before he proceeded to love me down. And up. And up and down.

I don't want to be an island
I don't want to be confined, oh

And while this horrible, horrible, stupid, horrible, incredibly sexy fantasy ran through my mind, Justin did exactly what I was hoping against and cooled off.

Bet he'd probably done some anger management technique that Valerie had undoubtedly taught him. Not to say that Justin needed anger management, but the old Justin had always been more emotional, more passionate. I'd liked that about him. I guess Valerie hadn't. She probably liked him as this subdued, passive, yes-man. Made me wonder about their sex life...actually, that's something I definitely didn't want to know about.

Just no more days of torture with you preying on my mind

He sighed, running his fingers through his fauxhawk. "Okay, I was outta line with that."

"Ya think."

He frowned at me for that. "But seriously..." He said, his eyes searching mine.

"This is killing you isn't?" I said, eyeing him suspiciously.

"What?"

"The idea of me and him being together...it's killing you. It's eating you apart. You can't stand it."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

I smiled and shook my head. "Of course you don't." I said, walking out again. Stopping I said, "You know, Valerie and him seem to really be hitting it off."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing, nothing. Calm down. I was just saying. I had thought she was kinda a bitch earlier, but she's seemed to warmed up a bit now that JC's here and he seems to think she's a decent person, so I guess she must be."

"But my being engaged to her didn't say that?"

And I said
Nothing's gonna change, nothing is gonna change

I shrugged. "You've changed."

Nothing's gonna change, never going to change

"So have you."

No, no, no

And before I could say anything to that, an employee came in and immediately got on us about being in here. When we got back to the table, all the previous chatter had died and JC and Valerie just stared at us as we took our seats.

Could it be January 'cause it feels so cold without you here
Oh you are the sun

JC didn't say anything, just focused on his plate for the rest of the time, but Valerie had suddenly lost her appetite. Justin was definitely getting his ass eaten out tonight. And not in a good way. Not that I knew if he ever enjoyed such a thing to deem that there was a good way for it to be done. I'm just saying.

And there's a cold day coming, won't you keep me warm?
There's a cold day coming 'til you come

As JC began to bury his face in his food, Valerie just sat there looking pissed off. Justin ate as if he didn't have a care in the world and I basically did the same. He even looked up at me once and smiled and winked. I guess that taste of anger had done something good for him. So that alone should take away a least one of the horribles from what a horrible, horrible, stupid, horrible person I am.

There's a cold day coming, won't you keep me warm?
There's a cold day coming 'til you come, Oh

Now I'm just a horrible, horrible, stupid person with a side order of lies. Progress.

- + -

Today was the first day that Justin had actually been cold towards me. When I'd first gotten here, he'd just been reserved, quiet. Then yesterday with the whole double date thing he'd gotten heated, though only briefly, and while I now being that I was only a doubly horrible person vs. a triply horrible one, I was glad he had cooled off, but still. I didn't want him to be this cool.

I mean, I'd felt like he was avoiding me a bit before JC even got here, but that had been subtle. This was slap-in-the-face obvious. Now he was walking out of rooms just because I'd walked into it. Now he was suddenly going mute, because I spoke.

Part of me wanted to blame this swift behavior change on whatever Valerie must've said to him after the double date was over and they were alone again. But she wasn't the one acting weird towards me, it was just him. So deciding enough was enough, I asked JC, since he happened to be there at the time, if he would distract Valerie long enough so that I could speak with Justin privately. Though apparently, even this couldn't be done easily.

"Oh, you two want more alone time?"

When I frowned at him and was nearly about to go into an et tu, brute speech, he just smiled and said, "I'm only messing with you. But you should've seen the way Valerie got once the two of you had left the table. She was just so sure that y'all had to be doing something together and couldn't possibly have actually needed to both use the restroom at the same time. She just kept muttering 'how convenient' over and over."

Guess Valerie wasn't going to be through me just yet then.

"And what did you say?"

"The truth." He shrugged, like there could be no other answer. And that's something I'd always liked about him: if you wanted the truth, he was most likely going to give it to you. "Just that y'all two were probably shagging back there."

When my jaw dropped, he just laughed and said, "But if you want me to distract her while you 'chat' with Justin again, sure, loser. Anything for you."

As he walked off in search of Valerie, I just stood there and looked after him. Not sure anymore where he stood on that. Was he joking? Was he serious? A little of both? And if it was either of the last two, was he pissed at me too?

Shit. One thing at a time.

Without even thinking about it really, I figured Justin was in the studio and just immediately went for the basement stairs. Sure, enough he was done there. Fiddling with the buttons. I just watched him for awhile. Justin in his creative world was always fascinating to me. I loved to watch him get lost in it. And right now he was in so deep, he couldn't even hear me slowly creeping down the stairs and though I wasn't stomping or anything, I still wasn't all that light footed.

He'd stopped fiddling with the controls and was now scribbling something onto a pad. For a while there his hand just kept sliding back and forth across the page, without even pausing for a moment. And then slowly whatever creative muse had snatched him up into that whirlwind was letting him go. And for a while he just sat there, then he spun around in the chair and just looked at me for a moment, with no surprise, as if he'd known I was there the whole time, but didn't feel like acknowledging me until now.

"Just wrote this and I don't have the melody entirely right just yet in my head," he said, reaching for a guitar that was nearby. Looked like it was Lucy. But I couldn't be sure, it'd been awhile since the last time I'd seen her and maybe it wasn't, maybe it was newer and he didn't even name his guitars anymore. "But I'm going to play it as is and you can..." Without finishing the sentence, his fingers began to strum and his eyes closed, making all that scribbling he'd just done pretty useless.

And the song he sang was soft and sweet and sad. And loud and bitter and forgiving. But most of all it was tender. Most of all it was us.

But it wasn't us now, it was us then. It was us during those five years of avoidance, and hell, maybe it would be us five years from now. Though as I found myself wiping my eyes a bit, I was hoping like hell it wasn't, or parts of it wasn't. The bad parts. The parts that held us in the past tense.

And when he'd finished, he just put the guitar down, looked at his hands, then looked up at me, sheepishly as if he'd confessed to things he'd hadn't meant to. Then he laughed, softly, rubbing his neck. I laughed too. And just like that the tension between us was gone. Though I think we both knew that was only a temporary thing. We could laugh now, but eventually we would have to talk. But not now, not here and for that I was grateful.

"Since I've been basically forbidden to be alone with you, you wanna go into a more trafficked place? Like the kitchen. I'll make you a sandwich or something."

"That's bullshit," I said, though I could completely understand Valerie's reasoning. But damn, if she was going to have him for the rest of her life, couldn't she spare a few minutes here and there? "But I am kinda hungry and you know how I get when I'm hungry."

He nodded and smiled, smiled that smile that could make me feel okay on the shakiest of days.

As we broke bread together, I could hear JC in the other room keeping Valerie rolling and while he was doing just as I'd asked him to, an indescribable part of me wished he wasn't doing it so well. But one thing at a time, right?

So when Justin handed over my plate, I buried myself in it.
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This chapter featured: Paolo Nutini - January