May 5th

I know that gay men are supposed to be a girl's best friend, but in my experience that's a crock of shit. Maybe the types in the bright pink shirts with the helium voices who flame with the fire of a thousands suns are females born into the wrong body but me; I am just not that guy. I wish girls would realise that. The women who've known me a while have learnt that my sexual preference doesn't make me much different from their boyfriends, but lately it seems like every girl I meet who finds out wants me to be her new gal pal. They talk at me about guys like their experiences and mine are even going to be remotely the same. I can't lie. It pisses me off righteously and it's usually the fastest way to ensure that I will NOT be your new pal.

"Can I sit here?"

"Oh, sure," Luca waved a distracted hand in consent without even bothering to check who was sitting down in front of him. He was engrossed by the only English language newspaper he'd managed to find that day in that random town he'd forgotten the name of. It was a copy of the Guardian and he was starting to wish he hadn't bothered - it was talking about a lot of British politicians he'd never heard of.

His sneaker clad foot tapped almost noiselessly against the linoleum. A few hours before the show, everybody had flooded into catering for the evening meal. About half an hour after they had, Luca had decided to join them. As such the food pickings were slim and the seat pickings were anorexic. Of late he'd been sitting with the band more than anybody, but today he'd been shoved on a lone table in the back with only his newspaper for company.

"Anything going on in the world?" The same voice asked him. Finally he looked up to acknowledge her, shutting the paper and giving up.

"Probably but damned if I can concentrate long enough to find out."

She giggled softly, and now he'd looked up he knew her as Lydia, one of the stylists. She wasn't high enough up the chain to do Justin's stuff; she was probably in charge of a few of the dancers, but being a wardrobe person he didn't come into contact with her much. For all the PR rhetoric on them being a family, he knew a few people really well and just about knew everybody else's name.

Now he thought of it that did make them practically the same as his own family.

"See I don't bother with that intellectual stuff, I just people watch."

"Watch anything interesting?" He asked out of more politeness than interest as he dipped his roll into his vegetable chowder.

"I watched you once or twice."

Luca eyed her warily, wondering if this was some kind of flirtation. He needed that like a hole in the head, especially after he'd already turned down one willing female on tour. He wasn't completely in the closet, but he was selective about which situations he let his sexuality be known in. With all the testosterone and macho posturing he saw on a daily basis he had quickly decided that this tour was not going to be that situation. He never lied if asked, but he made sure that there was little reason to ask.

"Really." He pushed a hand back through his long and somewhat curly hair. "See anything interesting?"

"Nothing out of the usual." She smiled at him and he breathed an inner sigh of relief. Thank God she wasn't going there.

Though he tended to be a lone wolf, whenever forced into company Luca always felt obliged to make small talk. He wasn't especially good at it, but in his experience it was amazing how long people would talk about themselves given some well timed 'hmm', 'absolutely' and 'exactly' treatment. The right nods in the right places and they would walk away thinking you were the best conversationalist in the world, and such a good listener. He just never knew what to say.

"So anything new and exciting going on in your department?" He asked politely.

"Besides the fact that every time I take in somebody's costume they then lose another couple of pounds and I have to do it yet again?" She sighed and took a sip of Pellegrino. "Not a lot. You?"

"I think I may have turned somebody's mike back on a second too early for Damn Girl last night."

"What thrilling lives we lead. You know somebody told me this job was supposed to glamorous?"

"Filthy lie."

"You're telling me," Lydia snorted, pulling a cross eyed expression. Lightly he chuckled. Of all the awkward small talk he'd had to make in his life, this didn't suck quite so badly as usual. "I think I'm going to write a letter of complaint to… somebody. I have no idea who."

"I suppose JT would be the man."

"I suppose he would be. So how long have you had a crush on him?"

Luca nearly choked on the hefty bite of bread he'd taken. As it was, he definitely swallowed it the wrong way and it pushed painfully down his throat until it was cleared. The look on her face irritated him, and it irritated him for two reasons. The first was that she looked so smug, like his near death experience had proved her right, and the second was that she'd looked entirely unbothered by his oxygen issues.

"Excuse me?" He said when he'd finally managed to breathe adequately enough to speak. It was just a blessing that she'd managed to keep her voice down and that the rest of the din in the dining room would drown her out.

"It's okay, I won't tell anyone. I just have excellent gaydar. Plus it takes one to know one."

He shook his head out, like her words were some strange buzzing in his ears that he could rid himself of. "You saying you're a lesbian?"

"I'm saying we share a crush," she sighed with a sad smile. "It sucks, doesn't it? Looking on and knowing there's no way. Good thing I like his girlfriend or it'd be really brutal. Oh well, nice to know I'm not the only one in the club."

All thoughts of continued conversation with the woman flew immediately from Luca's head. He couldn't get up and stomp out, so instead he opened his paper back up and tried to look like he gave a crap who had just been elected Liberal Democrat leader - or like he knew who the Liberal Democrats were. It was an equally effective way to cut her back out.

She might think she had some common ground with him, but she was very wrong. They were in two completely different clubs and her inappropriate (not to mention embarrassing) raising of the sexuality issue had just guaranteed that he would never speak to her again. Call him mercenary, call him judgmental, but he was very quick to accept or dismiss people - he had little time for pleasantries and frivolities. He liked somebody or he didn't, and having stumbled on one of his biggest pet peeves Lydia had found herself the most direct path to being disliked imaginable. Besides the fact that Luca could not share her admiration of Justin's taste in women, she was a complete fool if she thought she and Luca were in the same boat.

Fleeting as it might be, she had a hope. Justin gently flirted with every woman on the tour, and Lydia could comfort herself with the thought that maybe, just maybe, if he became single she had at least a snowball's chance in hell. Luca couldn't say the same. There was no chance of him being flirted with, no chance of Justin ever looking at him differently. He knew that, he accepted it, and he could live with it. He wasn't the first gay man in the world to have a hopeless crush on a straight guy.

He just really hated girls trying to act like they could empathise with it.

His phone also provided a welcome interruption as the distinctive A-Team ring tone blasted out. The distraction proved momentary when he did his customary pre-answering check of who was calling and he saw it was his dear old Dad. Scowling even more furiously than he had when Lydia had decided to butt her nose in where it wasn't wanted, he pressed the end button and cut the caller off before it could go to voicemail. It was unusual for his father to call more than one every six months, but this was the second attempt in what was probably a month or so, give or take. Briefly his curiosity was piqued, but then his usual seething resentment for his sperm donor set in and smothered it.

May 7th

Much as I love touring, sometimes it's annoying to be round all these fucking people. Sometimes when somebody gets a bad mood it's just a bad mood, but sometimes it's a plague and it spreads. We're having one of those times when the whole crew just seems to be suffering from PMS and it's a real fucking downer. Unfortunately it's a problem I can't drink or party away; when I'm pissed off, I'm a pissed off drunk which is counter productive. The idea is to improve the situation, not make it worse.

It's not just other people. Somebody told Allie about that whole kissing thing and now she's not taking my calls. Much to my surprise, she didn't bat an eyelid at the incident itself. Whoever told her seems to have managed to think of a way to explain it in context without making it sound like a lame excuse, which is more than I could manage so my hat's off to 'em whoever it was. She's doing that whole female thing whereby "it's not what you did it's that you didn't tell me." She swears if I had told her she would have just laughed - I think that's a steaming pile of bullshit right there, but I wasn't going to make that point when she was already pissed at me. Might as well try and put out a fire with gasoline.

Sigh. Normally when everybody around me is pissy I call my girlfriend and she makes me feel better. Guess that's out of the question. I hear it's hard to talk to somebody who won't answer your calls.

Uncharacteristically, Justin stood by himself at the edge of the set. Normally he was surrounded by people wherever he wandered, never short on conversation. Today however the whole set was eerily silent, every tap of a hammer or practised guitar riff echoing around the arena. People shuffled listlessly about their work, grim and pinched expressions on their faces. Maybe it was the grind of the tour weighing on them. They could be homesick - or actually sick, the local food was not great. Maybe this was the low before they hit their second wind. Whatever was causing it, most of his crew looked like the last place they wanted to be.

Justin, if he was honest, wanted to be home himself. Allie could never resist him in person but over the phone he was much easier to ignore. His dogged persistence was for once not availing him; he dreaded to think what she might have done with the expensive bouquets he had been sending. How could she have not talked to him for four whole days? If she kept this up it was going to be a week.

Too lethargic to pick his feet up properly, his sneakers squeaked as he shuffled over to the sound desk and perched himself in the empty chair next to Luca.

"Hey," was Luca's monotone greeting. It was delivered without even a single glance up.

"Hey. What was with the reverb last night?"

"That's what I'm trying to figure out."

It was funny, but Justin tended to seek out Luca's company in times when he was feeling anti social. He along with the rest of the crew had participated in making fun of that self same quality, but at times like this he appreciated Luca's stoicism. Sometimes he didn't want to do unnecessary small talk.

"I'm starting to think it's just the sound system here," Luca said as he pushed his long hair back behind his ears. Justin somewhat envied Luca his hair - the girls went nuts for it, but with his curly hair if he attempted to grow it that long it would look like the best poodle perm the 1970s had to offer. "The levels are good, Kevin's been running everything for me and none of us can figure it out."

Justin frowned. It was yet another thing he didn't need to be wrong. "Can we at least get it down to a bearable minimum?"

"I'm trying, but without working out what exactly it's doing it's hard." His slim shoulders gave a shrug - he wasn't a heavily built man. "I'm getting closer though."

"Good."

For a few minutes, the conversation ceased. Luca was intent on his work and Justin merely folded his arms and slouched back grumpily in his chair. Most people would feel the need to break the silence or acknowledge the clear grumpiness, but his sound tech continued to ignore the whole thing. Much as he was criticised for being closed off and even occasionally accused of being rude or dismissive, sometimes he felt it was quite possibly Luca's best quality. Trace would be too busy telling him to get over it.

It wasn't until Luca's phone rang and was summarily turned off in disgust that Justin's interest in the world around him was piqued enough to begin talking again.

"Who was that?"

"My sperm donor."

"Huh?"

He looked so confused that Luca could only chuckle. "My dad."

"Oh." Justin looked a little embarrassed. What had he thought, that Luca was looking to get pregnant? "You don't talk?"

"Not usually, but the old bastard has decided he's got a yen to talk to me lately. I don't know why he's bothering, I already checked that he's not sick, dying or in need of money."

Thinking on his own excellent relationship with his parents, he privately thought how sad it was when those were the only reasons to talk to your own father. He didn't voice this opinion, however. He correctly guessed that any prying would get a curt and unforgiving shutdown.

"See I'm the other way around. I want to talk, Allie doesn't want to listen."

"If you're about to ask me for girl advice I warn you not to. Wrong choice."

"Dude asking you for girl advice would be like asking the Colonel for diet advice, you're fucking hopeless," Justin chuckled. "How you ever expect to get a woman I don't know."

"Heh," was Luca's only response. He shifted in his chair and then dragged his attention right back to the board. His head could only have been lifted and turned towards Justin for a thirty second maximum.

***

May 8th

Maybe this lacks credibility coming from somebody so openly standoffish and eschewing human company, but sometimes I get lonely. It doesn't help that while everybody on this tour is a nice person, they're not all my type. In a friends capacity, I mean - I think with the exception of Justin, Trace and some of the band there aren't too many people here that I'll bother keeping in touch with or that I would voluntarily have hung out with if I just met them in a bar instead of at work. When I'm at home I have my own friendly bunch of misfits that just get me and that I can loosen up around.

It's not just a romantic thing, although obviously my unrequited hots for JT don't help. I guess while I think about it, my desire for a boyfriend doesn't really go with the 'I don't like people' stance either. Well, I never said I was a logical guy. Maybe it's not that I don't want people around, I', just too particular about the kind of people I do want around. I still feel kind of bad for the way I went off on Lydia. Not that I got all mad, I just started openly ignoring her. Which, I admit, is really fucking rude. Her only crime was to be the only person on this tour who's actually worked out that I'm homosexual.

Or at least the only one who's voiced it, anyway.

There are bars in almost every city where I can go hook up, if I want. All it takes is a phone book or a few well asked question to the right people. In London all I had to do was walk into Soho and I had offers. There's definitely a section of the gay community that's extremely open to one night stands - then again, there's a pretty big section of the straight community extremely open to that too. Being a slut is pretty easy in any orientation. A couple of times, I have just figured "what the hell" and gone down that route myself (I may have passed in London, but I certainly got mine in Paris). That's fine and all, not like I regret it, but… it's kind of like stuffing yourself on those low fat snacks my mom likes which are basically air. Before long, you're hungry for something a little more sustaining. I guess pining for some completely unattainable guy isn't going to help with that.

Now I've mentioned her, I miss my mom. I guess the loneliness is kind of all encompassing - friends, family, non existent boyfriend. Mom is just about the only person I know whose company I can always stand. Even though she still doesn't really understand me being gay, she just kind of gets on with the business of being my mom and being there for me. I love that about her. She doesn't talk your ear off or make stuff bigger than it has to be, she shuts her mouth and gets on with stuff. I guess that's where I get it from, though I'm a little more extreme than her.

I guess I just miss being around people who know when to be quiet for five God damn minutes. Nobody ever shuts up around here.

May 15th

Ye Gods. She's back. JT has apparently redeemed himself and Ms Congeniality herself is back in town. Though, on the bright side, this little tiff of theirs has still got her being a little distant physically speaking so at least I don't have to watch them crawl over each other.

That said… I do feel like a horrible human being sometimes for harbouring all this animosity. What crime has she committed, really? Dating Justin? Being a morning person? Being an optimist while my cynical self dwells in the sarcastic netherworld of the anti-social misfit? Even my own mother said she has no idea when I became such a hostile creature and that if she was physically present to do so she'd slap it right out of me. She would, too, my mother was never shy to offer corporal punishment - a fact which still makes my butt throb now in remembrance of the hiding I got for shop lifting.

Never mind Allie, I will live with her presence. Life's been pretty quiet on tour for the last few days, I think everybody hit their adrenalin low at the same time so we've all been staying in rather than partying. That could also be down to the lack of decent bars around this town, wherever the hell we are. The most any of us has done is venture out to one restaurant or another for lunch. There were also a few poker tournaments going on in Trace's hotel suite one night - we all put a hundred bucks in and just bandied that around. I consider it an achievement that my eventual loss was only ten dollars, Marty managed to lose fifty. Eddie must moonlight as a backstreet gambler in his spare time because his pockets were considerably fuller by the time we all called it quits.

When it comes to who I'm spending the most time with, I've moved on from the band to the dancers. I haven't spent much time with the girls on this tour (nothing to do with my sexuality, even if I was straight I'd still be a guy's guy) but as it turns out some of them are pretty cool. Nanci and I had a really good conversation about the whole mod sixties movement, and it turns out Tammy and I actually have a few friends in common in LA. I even managed to start being civil to Lydia again instead of ignoring her. See, I'm improving.

"Luca?"

It took a moment to realise that it was his name she'd just said. He wasn't used to hearing it in such light voice, and he would never have expected her to be addressing him no matter how her voice sounded. They'd barely spoken since the moment they'd first been introduced.

"It is Luca, right?"

"What?" He jumped as her hand unexpectedly touched his arm. "Oh, yeah, sorry."

"Sorry, did I interrupt you?" Allie pulled a comedy grimace at him by way of apology.

"No," Luca lied. He didn't particularly like being interrupted while he was writing, but he'd been far more concerned about slamming the diary shut before even a single detail could catch her eye. Knowing what revelations lay within those pages, he squeezed it between his fingers. The book felt it should be glowing red hot, as steel in a blacksmith's forge, but though it burned his hands it remained innocuous to the observing eye.

"What can I do for you?"

"You're, like, the sound guy, right?" Perhaps his face betrayed a little of his wanting to roll his eyes, for she immediately hurried on. "I mean, I have no idea about the technical side of all this, but Justin said you do all the mixing and stuff?"

"Yes, that's right." Trying to stick to his resolve to be a little nicer to her, Luca let go of his usual sarcastic impulse.

"I was hoping you could give me some advice. I would ask Tim, but Tim can never keep his mouth shut and he always winds up telling Justin…"

"Ask Tim what?"

One virtue he had never possessed was patience. It was something he was often chastised for, but his motto was if it couldn't be explained in a maximum of two sentences then he didn't have time for it. This was yet another strike mark against Allie in Luca's book - she was very much a talker. There was little doubt that between the intense perkiness, the incessant chatter and her general sunny outlook that she would have to work very hard before Luca would ever find any common ground or hope of liking her. As much as he knew she was harmless and friendly and probably in the balance a far better person than he, his disposition was towards the more offbeat.

"Oh, sorry, you should stop me if I tangent like that! Basically, I wanted to surprise Justin with a new mixing desk for his home studio but I know nothing about this stuff and I'd probably manage to buy him a downgrade instead of an upgrade. I was hoping you could help me out, maybe you could make the suggestions and then I could get to what I'm good at which is flexing my Am-Ex."

"Umm… sure," he agreed grudgingly. He had to admit, it sounded like a good gift idea. He'd had a few boyfriends in his time that had no idea how to put any personal consideration into presents. "Don't suppose you know what he already has, do you?"

"I wrote it down on a piece of paper somewhere, it's in my planner back at the hotel with some catalogues and stuff. Thank you so much, I really appreciate this." She gave him a beaming smile, and almost despite himself he found himself returning it. "Kevin's already advised me on the guitar so once you help me pick the desk it'll be all set!"

"What's the occasion?" He asked curiously.

"No occasion, just felt like it," she said breezily. "Anyway, I have to run but thank you so much Luca, I'll bring you everything before the show."

"Bye," he said blithely as she walked away.

Thoughtfully he watched her retreating, jean clad figure. For perhaps the first time since he'd met her, he thought he might have seen something he had to give her a little respect for. He didn't give a crap that she was tall and slim and considered one of the prettiest women in Hollywood, he didn't care that her last movie had placed her opposite Morgan Freeman, and her womanly charms were utterly lost on him even in any platonic way. However, he didn't know too many women who would casually pay out thousands of dollars on their other half because they 'just felt like it,' even the ones who could afford it.

There was no way he was admitting to it though, either out loud or in writing.

May 16th

Life is so much better when your girlfriend isn't mad at you. Everybody on the tour is still dog tired - and it's obvious because Allie keeps exclaiming that she can't believe how dead we all look and asking us why we aren't getting more sleep - but I find it easier to deal with now my love life has levelled back out. She's so motherly sometimes, she's the one who keeps cutting short our poker games and reminding us we've got a TV show or radio station t o get to for seven am. I love that about her, she really looks out for me but without being bossy about it. Well, most of the time, all women are bossy sometimes; it's like a law of nature. I guess that second X chromosome must do something to ya.

I haven't exactly got off easy, I got some serious lecturing about honesty and she's not as touchy feely as she usually is, but for the most part she seems over it now. I'm so relieved - I think both she and I made that whole kiss thing into way more than it actually was, both acting like it was some huge terrible secret. I'm a dumb ass, but I love her. I haven't exactly got into all that with her too much, but I do. It's been said, I think after a certain point in a relationship you're kind of expected to have said it to your girl, but I'm now at the point where I feel it rather than just say it because I should. That's pretty bad, really, I guess that means I've told a bunch of girls a bunch of times that I loved them when I didn't, but do I at least get points for doing it to make them feel good?

Since we're all so tired, not much has been happening. That made me wonder what all the point was of me keeping this diary, it's not like I've got anything hugely dramatic to make a song out of in any of these entries, but then I had to ask myself what was A Hard Day's Night written about? It was about being dog tired after work and having your woman make you feel better, so I could probably make songs even out of all the mundane shit I've chronicled in the last few weeks. There's no way in hell I'm admitting that to my mother though. She still looks smug every time she sees me writing in this thing.

Speaking of Allie though, she looks shifty. Not appearance wise, she looks fuckable as ever, but she just seems twitchy sometimes. It's almost comedic, like those moments in movies were somebody's trying so hard to act natural they make it even more obvious they're up to something. I keep seeing her look at Luca too, which is weird. I didn't think they'd ever even spoken to each other, and Allie is just like the anti-Luca - in fact to somebody as moody as Luca (he needs to get laid) Allie is probably the most irritating person on the planet.

Huh. Why would she keep staring at Luca? I know why other girls on the tour stare at him and his stupid long hair and 'soulful eyes' or whatever shit Samantha likes to wax lyrical about, but he better hope that's not why my girlfriend is looking at him. Nah, she wouldn't, she digs me. She wouldn't be so anal about looking after me if she didn't, right? But then why the staring? Like I say, they never seem to have spoken before… at least to my knowledge. But then what I don't know could fill many books and just because I didn't see it doesn't mean it didn't happen… shit. Opposites are supposed to attract, right? What if they purposely avoid each other so as not to arouse my suspicions?

Okay, fuck, I just officially became Paranoid Crazy Jealous Guy. Time to chill. You only just got your woman back after one stupid screw up, JT, now is not the time to fuck it up with insane conspiracy theories. Trust, feel the trust.

But just to make me feel better, I might just pull out all the stops later to let her know she ain't going to get it any better.

May 27th

I really, really hate admitting this.

Allie may not actually be all that bad.

But she still talks too much.

She also has way too much buyer anxiety. I must have gone over those catalogues with her about seven million times and explained every piece of equipment in there at least twice, even the ones I had already repeatedly told her not to worry about. I get that she wants this gift to be perfect and doesn't want to mess up Justin's studio or anything, but there's such a thing as worrying too much. I already did my whole sneaky recon thing and manoeuvred Justin into a discussion about what he has in the studio and what he wants. Heck, it's probably the most I've got out of him in a week, he's been what my mother would like to call a 'grouchy pants' and what normal people would call a moody son of a bitch.

Heck, he can be a grouch, I'm just happy to be back on US soil where the currency makes all kinds of sense. And where the food is normal. And where I don't have to get out a phrase book just to ask for water. I actually had a kind of funny discussion with Allie about that, she was telling me about all the times she's stuck her foot in it at movie premieres pronouncing shit wrong. Hell, I think I've hung out more with Allie than anybody this week; I've been keeping myself to myself for the most part.

That's mostly because my God forsaken male parental is STILL calling - it may seem stupid to avoid other people because of that, but whenever I hear from him it puts me in a bad mood and I'm hearing from he way too regularly right now. I don't get it. I have already confirmed that he's not sick or dying. He's not in any kind of trouble he might plausibly want to hit me up to bail him out of. People in all their unknowing optimism have suggested he just wants to speak to me and patch things up, but I know that's not true. This guy has never given and will never give a shit about me. He has his own family and it's nothing to do with mine, which is Mom and my grandparents.

Pah. Oh shit, here comes Allie, with yet more questions no doubt. I take it as a clear mark I'm going soft in my old age that I haven't told her to fuck off and stop asking yet.

"So guess who finally actually ordered something today?"

"Huh. I didn't see any pigs flying."

"Oh very funny." Allie lightly smacked Luca's arm, smiling broadly. "I finally told Tim who's going to sneakily arrange to get all the stuff set up before we get back to Cali."

"We? You're staying then? On the tour, I mean?"

"Yeah, I don't have to film for a while and I'd only be bumming around LA with nothing to do."

Luca was almost surprised by how okay he was with that idea. Allie was never going to be his best friend and he still had some serious envy, but he no longer found her as annoying as he once had. As such, it was a lot easier to deal with her presence both on the tour and as the woman who had what he wanted. He'd never admit it to his mother, but she had been right' talking to Allie had humanised her a little for him, shown him some common ground. She was still too perky and still too perfect and still a little ditzy, but she'd managed to endear herself enough to him that these quirks were vaguely tolerable.

"Cool."

"I meant to ask you; actually, we're all out with the dancers tonight, you coming?"

"The sound crew and the band are supposed to be having a thing tonight."

"I know."

"Trying to poach the other party's guests now?"

"Yes. I need at least one other person there who isn't hot shit on a dance floor and isn't going to show me and my two left feet up." She linked her arm through Luca's as they walked towards the concourse, and amazingly enough he actually let her.

"There's always Trace."

"Trace never dances though," she whined as though it were a great crime.

"You think I will?"

"I think if I get you drunk enough you might."

"It's been known," he admitted grudgingly. He was after all gay, dancing came with the territory. Despite the stereotype not all homosexuals were disco queens, but all the bars orientated to gay men where he lived were so dance music heavy he'd had to learn to adapt - when in Rome, as they said. He could stand to dance a little so long as the music wasn't too cheesy - he refused to have anything to do with Abba.

Allie grinned a very famous grin at him, the one that had landed her no less than four Glamour covers thus far. "So have I talked you into it?"

"Only if you explain why I'm ducking out on everybody else."

"Done." She waved a hand dismissively as they stopped at a souvenir stand where some of the arena's own staff were unpacking merchandise. "Hey, I like that track jacket," she said as she peered at the tour clothing. "Note to self, get Johnny to grab me one."

"Do you ever pay for anything?" Luca asked. Normally it could have been taken for him being in one of his ruder moods, but they'd actually had that joke with each other yesterday when Allie had told him she'd been set yet another set of free make up. "Only my boyfriend's presents, funnily enough," she laughed gaily. "There has to be some perk to having to share my guy with million of teenage crushes, right?"

Doing his best to swallow down his laugh - not all the people crushing on Justin were teenage girls - Luca pushed his free hand through his long hair and thought idly to himself that he needed to cut it. He also needed to condition it, it was dry as hell - he had to be the only man he knew who had to be bothered about conditioner. This was the price he paid for having such long, bohemian hair.

"Suppose."

"Speaking of which…" Allie tugged him away as they started heading back into the arena. Luca would soon be needed to oversee sound check and Allie had taken to watching them from various different vantage points in the arena, she claimed to 'see how it feels for different parts of the audience.' Everybody else agreed she was just bored. "You're single, right?"

"Yeeeees…" He answered warily.

"Are you single and open or are you the kind of single that wishes interfering busybodies would stop assuming you're dying for a date?"

"The latter. I appreciate you asking, you have no idea how many people do assume I want a date."

"Oh, that so used to be me before J," she rolled her eyes. "Why people have such a hard time with the idea that being single does not mean you're pathetically lonely and desperate I have no clue. It just used to annoy the crap out of me when people assumed I wanted to be set up."

"You weren't about to try and set me up, were you?" Luca couldn't quite knock the horrified edge off of his voice, and she burst out laughing.

"Not so much as tell you my friend Cheryl is visiting over the next few days and that I think you two would suit each other. She's just as sarcastic as you. I wasn't going to, like, make you ask her out or anything though. I was just going to mention it so you could, you know, consider it. But hey, if you're not interested it's fine. Besides she'd kill me if I sent her on a blind date."

"She'd have had to get in line."

Once again, Allie threw back her head and laughed that high pitched giggle that Luca had once found so grating. He found he could stomach it now.

"Hey, you over there being all touchy feely with my girlfriend!"

Again Allie giggled, letting go of Luca's arm and blowing a kiss to Justin as she meandered over the stage.

"Sorry!" Luca yelled back good naturedly.

"Not as sorry as you'll be next time buddy, I will kick your ass!"

Merrily flipping a finger at Justin as a joking response, Luca jogged up the small set of steps to the sound booth and slid into his seat, immediately begin to flip switches and start running through the programmed sequences for the show later that night. He'd managed to miss the small hint of truth to what had seemed to be just one of Justin's usual jests, as well as missed the daggers Justin had glared at him when they'd walked in.

The idea that Luca might want female attention was so ludicrous to Luca that he sometimes forgot it wasn't so ludicrous to people who didn't know better - especially those he'd worked so hard to hide his sexuality from.

June 3rd

I really wanna know why my girlfriend is spending more time with everybody else on this tour than me. Why is she even here again?

Okay, that’s unfair, I’m just having a bitch fit and I know when I’m in more reasonable moods that I like how sociable she is. It’s just hard for me to be able to go sulk in a room somewhere with my girlfriend (or more accurately have her distract me from sulking with various naughty activities in a room somewhere) when she’s off with floppy haired idiot sound techs. Okay, that wasn't fair either. She’s not spending any more time with Luca than anybody else and didn’t I already go through this with myself in earlier entries? Jealousy is the last bastion of the dumb shit. I am not a dumb shit, I’m Justin Timberlake God damn it – I’m supposed to be hot shit. Snap out of it, loser. Gah. I think I’ve just hit another mid tour lull, that’s all. I’ll get over it. We hit Vegas soon enough, that ought to cheer me up if nothing else has in the two weeks ‘til then. Nothing fails to cheer me up like going to the Pussycat Dolls lounge and watching women in tiny clothing. It’s even girlfriend approved because Allie apparently is fine with burlesque joints so long as they have a brand name, heh.

Speaking of my girlfriend, I really wish she was curled up watching this movie with me instead of shopping with my dancers. Doesn’t she have enough fucking shoes already?

“You look about as bored as I am,” Trace yawned loudly, stretching out his limbs.

“Probably because I am as bored as you are,” Luca grouched. “Is there nowhere to go in this hell hole?”

“Since when is Chicago a hell hole?”

“Since everybody in it’s a total bitch. Did you hear that guy in Walgreens this morning? Fucking rude much?”

“You have no room to talk about other people being anti social dude.”

Luca threw one of the sofa cushions at Trace’s head. “At least when I do it it’s just because I’m so cool and aloof. I ain’t just a little bitch.”

“You keep telling yourself that, bitch.”

Trace and Luca both flipped their middle fingers in mock salute at each other before the conversation drifted into a companionable silence. They’d all agreed to meet in Justin’s dressing room for dinner, and at this point they were missing Justin, his mother, his girlfriend and his cousin. Trace had cheerfully noted that it was all the girls; when Luca had pointed out that Justin wasn't a girl, Trace had begged to differ on grounds of moisturising routines.

It had been a quiet kind of day, and Luca had appreciated it up until now. He’d written in his journal, he’d caught up on his e-mails, wasted some time online and read some magazines. Nobody had bugged him or got into his space, he’d had a very pleasant day not doing much of anything. It was a great recharge, and now he was ready to be an actual human being and to interact with people. Even he could only spend so much time alone before craving company.

“Hey y’all,” Allie said as she floated into the room in a cloud of Gucci perfume. Luca wasn't much of a fashion plate, but he suspected the blue dress she was wearing might be the latest Dolce must have. Dolce or Prada or Versace, it was all the same – it’d get her photographed. “Gee, am I early?”

“No, everybody else is just way later than you,” Trace said with a sigh as he propped his feet on the coffee table. “Did Lynn say when she was coming?”

“Last I saw Lynn she was headed for the shower and that was an hour ago,” Allie shrugged as she nestled herself onto the sofa between them. “So we decided what we’re eating yet boys? I’m starved.”

“Lord help us,” Trace groaned. At Luca’s quizzical look, he elaborated. “This woman lives on rabbit food, except when she tells you she’s starved which means she’s about to pack away more food than you ever saw a guy twice her size eat. It’s freakish but it’s like a train wreck, you can’t help the watching.”

“You sure you’re not just perving on her lips or something? I read somewhere that fixating on a woman’s mouth means you want her.”

“And I read somewhere that peeling labels off of beer bottles the way you do means you’re sexually frustrated.”

At this Allie’s gaze hit Luca’s with an amused expression; all he could do was amiably shrug his shoulders. “I was never denying that.”

“Well you could have gone out with Cheryl you know, I offered.”

“No I couldn’t.”

“Couldn’t what?” Trace sounded confused.

“I offered to hook him up with Cheryl and he said no.”

“WHAT?” The high pitched yelp still had a Southern drawl to it. “Cheryl’s fucking hot! How could you?”

“Eh, she didn’t do it for me,” Luca replied, After all, it wasn't a lie – Cheryl seemed perfectly pleasant enough (he did appreciate her sarcasm) but alas, she suffered the fatal flaw of not being male enough for him.

“How could she not do it for you? Are you gay?”

Trace had only been joking, but Luca felt his heart drop to the pit of his stomach. Normally he brushed such comments off. They were only ever meant in jest and didn’t normally mean his secret was out. The problem wasn't what he had said but the way Allie had reacted. It was almost imperceptible – she was a consummate actress after all – but he had caught the little lift of her eyebrow and the little twitch of her lip. That was the expression that gave it all away; it was the signal that told you the idea had been planted and the person opposite you was now re-evaluating everything you’d ever said or done in their presence, looking for confirmation of their new found suspicion.

That was the last thing he needed.

June 5th

Fuck my life is awkward. I’m now wondering if maybe I should have just come right out at the start of this tour instead of hiding it. It’s not like I hide it on every tour I go on, it’s just… I think it was the whole JT thing. Some straight guys get worried about you having the hots for them, and you can’t always work out in advance which ones it’ll be. Sometimes the people you expect to be weird about it treat it like it’s nothing unusual (which I really appreciate, how normal they keep it with me) and then some people you always thought would be cool with it just freak to the extreme. Normally that doesn’t concern me so much, I take the ‘screw you’ stance with anyone who chooses to have a problem with me, but I think this time because I did have a thing for JT I just didn’t want to run the risk of him being one of those guys.

Avoiding Allie would have totally convinced her that her suspicion was right, but being around her is painful right now because I am watching every little thing I say. I’m not suddenly acting like a Neanderthal and talking about women like I want to bend every chick I meet over a chair, that’s always a dead giveaway when thou dost protest too much. I’m trying to keep it all normal and breezy but fuck, I’m not exactly breezy when I am feeling normal about shit. My problem is that I don’t know who she would or wouldn’t tell if I confirmed it to her, and the problem is that after hiding it so long if it comes out people are going to ask why I was hiding it. That could get awkward. I don’t particularly want to explain to Allie that I like the idea of sleeping with Justin as much as she does; we only just got to a point where we’re friends (okay, she was there way before I was, but I kind of like her now).

It’s weird reading back over these entries – at the beginning of the tour they were so mundane and boring and now they’re just angst.I hate to admit it to myself, but pretty much the entire source of said angst is the fact that I didn’t tell people I was gay. I mean, it’s not like I’d have made an announcement over the tannoy, but it could have been public domain. Chalk it up to a lesson learned, I guess, the closet is not a helpful place to be but since I made my bed in it I’ll just have to stay there for the rest of the tour.

***

Justin was having one of those nights where he desperately wanted to say something but had no idea how or even if he should. From the way his girlfriend kept heaving little sighs to herself, he knew that she was having one too. For being an actress, she was even less subtle than he was.

The show had gone well, and because he’d been so tired they had gone straight up to bed instead of going out partying with the rest of the crew. Well, he had been tired; he suspected that Allie just wasn't in the mood for a crowd. He could relate to that. Normally when they had alone time like this, they would be snuggled up with a movie or soaking in a bath together or having sex. At the very least, he’d expect some cuddling. But now they were sitting on the bed with a good few inches of space between them; his arms were crossed somewhat huffily over his chest and hers were wrapped defensively around her knees. It wasn't a good sign.

“J?” It figured. She was always the one who cracked first.

“Yeah?”

“You ever have one of those thoughts that’s kind of eating you alive but you’re not sure how good an idea it is to tell anybody about it?”

“Yep.”

“What did you do?”

“Told my momma.”

“Hmm.” Her eyebrows furrowed and slight scowl set itself across her forehead – obviously this had not been the flash of inspiration she wanted from him. Still, he knew he only had to give it another minute or two before she started elaborating. Usually she’d given him the whole story before she even realised she had.

“On an entirely separate note…” Damn, maybe he was wrong about that. “Are you mad at me?”

“What? No,” he lied.

“You’ve just been kind of pouting that’s all. Is something else wrong?” Allie breached the gap to brush her fingers on his arm. Her touch acted as a kind of puncture – all the tension and energy he’d been using to keep himself worked out started dribbling out of the spot where she’d made contact.

“I mean, we haven’t really spent enough time together but that’s not a big thing, I guess I’m just kind of bored of the tour right now.”

“If you don’t have any interviews tomorrow we could go out, just us,” she suggested.

“Good plan.”

He smiled wearily, turning to face her. The gap was still there, but his body language was at least a little more engaged and she took comfort from it. Allie’s head tipped sideways a little, scrutinising him. She knew as she always did that something else was bothering him, but she had learned the hard way that Justin didn’t appreciate being needled and he would tell her when he felt like telling her.

“So what’s bugging ya?” he asked her.

“I asked you first,” she poked him lightly.

“I already answered.”

“Quality not quantity…” she paused for a big yawn. Her muscles had relaxed a little too much and now she was beginning to feel sleepy. “But if you must know, Luca.”

“Luca?” Justin felt the muscles in his back go rigid.

“Yeah, I… I have a feeling about him, but I can’t really ask him because if he says no it’ll be the most embarrassing thing ever and also it’s not my business anyway.”

Struggling to maintain a neutral façade and keep his jealous temper in check, he gritted his teeth and tried to look nonchalant. “Well what could be so embarrassing?”

“Do you think Luca’s gay?” She asked.

“Hadn’t thought about it. Why do you?” Well he could honestly say that was NOT what he had been expecting at all. Still, on the bright side, score one huge win for Justin Timberlake – if his girlfriend believed the guy was gay she certainly wasn't going to be running after him.

“I just… he’s never dated or even hooked up once on this tour. He never seems to look at girls like you or Trace do…”

“Hey, I’m only looking at you!”

“Do you think I was born yesterday?” She snorted. “It’s just… he seems kind of reserved and secretive anyway, he never shows any interest in women and you mention the word ‘gay’ around him and I swear he twitches.”

“Twitches?” Now Justin was just starting to think this was funny. She was getting high pitched and wide eyed over a theory built on very shaky foundations. Luca may not have looked at too many women on tour but Justin couldn’t say he’d ever caught him looking at men either.

“Make fun of me Timberlake and you can forget getting laid for the next week.” Allie glared at him petulantly. She was beginning to regret voicing this thought at all.

“Babe, I just think you’re looking for intrigue where there is none. This is what’s been, quote, ‘eating you alive’ unquote?”

“Well when you say it like that it sounds dumber than it did in my head.”

“If he’s gay he’s gay, big whoop. Don’t worry your pretty little head over it.” Scooting over, he pulled Allie into a more horizontal position next to him and wrapped his arms around her, pushing one set of fingers through her hair and kissing the crown of her head.

June 10th

Well, my tenure on the Justin Timberlake tour is officially over.

It’s officially over after my fucking asshole of a sperm donor decided now was the time to partake in active parenting. He cornered me outside the venue and in full earshot of most of the dancers and Trace blasted my ear out about what a pervert I am and how I’m going to Hell and how dare I besmirch his Christian name by being gay. Turns out the reason he’s been calling more often than usual is because somebody saw me on Facebook, where I am out of the closet. Now I wish I’d taken the fucking calls, at least then he wouldn’t have been moved to come find me in person. I hadn’t even thought about the fact that we were running through St Louis and that he lives there, or that my schedule is also on Facebook where I’ve been keeping a running tab of the cities we’re at.

I told him he’d besmirched his own name by being a deadbeat loser of a father and he punched me. He broke my nose, he broke my secret, and then had the fucking nerve to tell me that Grandpa dying last night was because God was punishing me for being gay and my mother for bearing a freak son. I hadn’t even known Grandpa had died, Mom didn’t want to call me until after she’d helped Grandma and done the paperwork at the hospital. I know way better than that bastard what Grandpa thought of me being gay, he didn’t like it but he put it aside and just accepted me as his grandson, I just… I can’t help reacting to it when he says it, I know it’s not true but it fucking burns. On the bright side, at least I got to watch Randy manhandle his pathetic carcass out of there. I thought dumping him on his ass outside the fence was a particularly nice touch.

So I’m out of here. Mostly because I just want to go home and help Mom and Grandma, a little bit because a couple of hours in the ER later and I don’t want to be seen looking like this (my face is purple), but mostly because I can’t face the whispers. I can’t face the pity either. I haven’t been man enough to face Justin, but his mom was real nice about it. I just… fuck. Of all the ways for it to come out, it had to come out this way? Through him?

If I was braver I’d be back to work after the funeral and everything but... maybe Mom had a point when she said I’m a loner because I can’t be rejected if I do the rejecting.