Oh, hell no. I did not sign up for this.

My heart is beating out of my chest and I feel the sweat slowly and torturously sliding down my back. Fuck, I don’t think I’ve ever worked out this hard before.

Marty has been working us since 10 this morning and even though we’ve had a couple breaks, it’s now close to 4 and my body feels like it’s about to shut down. My knees are literally shaking and I can barely hold my head up from my bent over position. I look over to the left at Ryan and a surge of relief comes over me as I notice his slumped posture. He looks over at me and shakes his head knowingly with a grin. I muster up enough strength to give a little laugh, which comes out more like a grunt. It’s been a long day.

Some would consider that I’m quite lucky to be where I am right now. I myself once felt the same way… that was before I knew what I was actually in for. I mean, I knew it was going to be hard work, but I was definitely not prepared for this. It’s my first big tour and I think I’m just now beginning to grasp the concept of exactly how ‘big’ it is.

We’ve been rehearsing for about a month now and I have yet to meet the beloved star of the show. He’s been working with Marty one on one and from what I hear, he’s really anal about his performances and dancers. This makes me a little nervous considering I’m the new girl.

Everyone has worked for Justin one time or another before this tour, and when I mentioned myself being “lucky”, I meant that in every way. I initially wasn’t asked to be a part of this tour. Kelly, the original dancer they had booked and one of my best friends since I’ve started my dancing career, found out she was pregnant two weeks prior to when rehearsals were supposed to start. Coincidentally, I had happened to be free at the moment and currently looking for work. Kelly immediately recommended me to Marty and the rest, as the say, is history.

So here I am, a week and a half away from embarking on my first big gig. And even though I’m ready to collapse onto the wooden floors that look actually look quite inviting at the moment, I can’t. Any minute now, Justin Timberlake is going to walk through those shiny glass doors and I’m going to have to suck up the throbbing pain aching all over my body, and perform the hell out of the routines I’ve learned over the past few weeks.

“Where’s my posse at?!” a voice booms through the room.

I blink away the sweat dripping down my eyes and shift my gaze to the new presence in the room. Speak of the devil.

“What up, J,” Marty greets him with a slap on the hand and a pat on the back.

“Nothin’ man,” Justin replies, running a hand over the back of his shaved head. “How are these guys doing with the choreography?”

I see Marty shrug with a smile and I laugh quietly to myself. He likes his work to speak for itself.

Deciding that my exhausted posture and expression isn’t necessarily the greatest first impression, I sigh away any sign of tiredness and pop up into a standing position. Stretching my arms and legs a little bit, I try to ignore the soreness building on my body. I keep my eyes on Justin, taking in his relaxed appearance. Damn, Kelly wasn’t kidding when she said he was hot. The man definitely lives up to his sex symbol status.

Oh Jesus… I’m already losing focus.

But I know better. I know that my first priority is to help put on an amazing show, and I intend on doing exactly that… but it can’t hurt to have a little fun while doing it.

Right? 

“T, switch places with Morgan.” Excuse me?

“I want you with Justin. Morgan, switch over to Ryan.” Again… excuse me?

I reluctantly move across the room and catch Morgan’s death stare. Trust me sweetheart; I’m not any happier about this than you are. It’s bad enough I’m struggling to hold my head up, but to have to adjust being on the left when for a solid month I’ve been dancing on the right? Marty is trying to kill me.

I hear the music start up again and I literally want to blow my own eardrums out. It was fine the first 20 times I heard it, but now I’m starting to pick up on the words and they’re really starting to grate on my nerves. Jesus, could the man sing any higher? And what the hell does “lovestoned” mean anyway?

My body moves the way its been trained to, and instead of focusing on the piercing falsetto voice booming through the speakers I tune in more to the music. The beat is reverberating in my ears and it feels good to just move naturally to the sound.

After a couple of minutes, I feel him tense up before I even realize what I’ve done. My brain suddenly clicks on and I am met face to face with Justin Timberlake’s crotch. The music has stopped and all my senses are jerked back into place. I feel the weight of his hands fall off my shoulders as I jump up and back away, trying my best to hide my flushed face and not bolt out of the room.

“Was she supposed to do that?” I hear Justin pant out.

Shit, was I? I can’t even remember. See, this is what happens when you finally get a routine down. You just stop thinking and your body moves for you. And to think I thought that was a good thing.

I look to Marty who has an arm wrapped around his body while he holds his chin in his free hand. His confused look is starting to freak me out and I’m almost positive he’s about to embarrass the hell out of me in just a few seconds.

“I’m not sure.” Wow, wasn’t expecting that.

Marty walks over next to Justin and takes a moment to faintly dance out the choreography. I watch him with eager eyes, praying that he gets down on his knees at one point. It sounds dirty but I’m desperate to know that I haven’t just unconsciously sexually assaulted Justin Timberlake.

A minute passes and Marty has yet to answer. He backs up again and squints at me.

“Did you add that?” Oh hell.

“I really don’t know,” I shrug. God, I probably look like the biggest idiot right now.

Marty moves his mouth to say something but decides against it. Good Lord in heaven, please don’t fire me.

“Well, I don’t know where the hell that came from but I like it. Let’s keep that in there.”

Oh thank you Jesus. Now the only problem is that I have no idea how I ended up in that position and exactly what Marty is talking about. Hopefully the music will be enough to remind me.

“You always dance dirty?”

It takes me a second to process what he just said cause I’m still on edge from what just happened.  I decide to be daring.

“Only when the songs are,” I bite back. I expect a comeback but Justin just lets out a chuckle and moves back to his place and cues the music. Ha. I love being sassy.

I follow in his suit and move back in position. The heavy beats of Chop Me Up flow into the room and my ears perk up. Finally, a song in a normal and bearable key.

All sassiness aside though, the man really does have talent. In the short amount of time I’ve known him, Justin Timberlake has proved that he is a hundred and ten percent the entertainer he claims to be. His moves are effortless and that makes my job that much more enjoyable. If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s a crappy dance partner, i.e. my ex-boyfriend. Let’s just not go there.

Back to the situation at hand, Justin is now singing along to the music and I’m impressed at how well he holds his voice. It’s immaculately clear and steady, and it actually sounds better live, a little edgier than the voice on the CD if that’s even possible. Guess all those boy band years really paid off.  

The music fades to a stop and Marty calls out to us to break before some final words before we can go home. I wipe my sweat and walk over to the corner of the studio, finally sitting after what seems like at least a decade of dancing. I’m immediately reminded of my aching body once I plop down onto the floor and my heartbeat starts to even out.  I take a long, overdue gulp of my water bottle.

Is this day ever going end?

---

Have you ever had one of those days where you suddenly realize that you’ve taken on more than you can handle? I have and unfortunately, this is one of them. I know I told Marty that I wanted something hot for the new tour and though the choreography is tight, I’m having a hard time keeping up. It doesn’t help that this new girl is showing me up like crazy.  

I’m excited though. I’ve been itching to get on the road ever since the release of the album. Finally be out of the public eye for a minute.

“J? You got it?” Note to self: stop zoning out.

“Huh?”

“The count,” Marty presses. “Do you get it?”

“Oh! Yeah man, I got it.” Fuck, it’s been a long day.

Marty moves to talk to the other guys and I finally feel like I can breathe. I don’t know how these dancers do it. This shit is brutal sometimes.

I take a couple minutes to make sure I got everything down right before walking to the back of the room and taking a seat on the couch with my water bottle. My eyes gaze across the room and I catch Morgan staring at me. She winks and I fight the urge not to grimace. Don’t get me wrong. Morgan is a pretty girl, which is the reason I slept with her on the last tour. But that’s all she’s ever been. A pretty girl who served my male needs when it was convenient. I’m not proud of it but I was young. It probably wasn’t the best idea to invite her back for this tour, but she’s a great dancer and I would’ve been an idiot not to.

I wave back to Morgan with a forced smile and push my eyes elsewhere, finally landing on Caylee. She’s talking to the new chick and they seem to be getting along pretty well. This doesn’t surprise me considering Caylee’s probably one of the friendliest people in the world. The girl could make Satan himself shit rainbows and sprinkles.

It only takes a minute before I’m caught staring as Caylee and the new chick both turn their heads towards me. Caylee tilts her head and gives me a smile so bright that for a second, I think her face might break in half. I laugh, giving her a smile just as big. Silly girl.

My eyes slide over to the new chick and I offer her a nod with a smile. She flashes me a quick smile back before turning back to Caylee and I’m left beside myself again. As soon as she turns away I realize that I don’t even know her name. I’ve only heard Marty call her ‘T’ and unless her parents were too unoriginal and lazy to think of an actual name, I’m pretty sure that it’s short for something. Maybe Tia. Or Tyra. Definitely something saucy judging from the way she was dancing earlier. Almost gave me a damn hard-on by the way she was rubbing her ass against me.  What? I’m a 25-year-old male. I can’t help that shit.

It doesn’t help that things between Cam and I have been strained. We had a long talk last night and as much as it hurts, we both know it’s coming to an end. With me going on tour and her doing her own thing, it’s just not gonna work out. I’m just happy we’re both on the same page about it.

“Alright guys, circle up!” Marty calls. I rub a hand over my face and walk over to stand next to him. I hope he makes this quick.

“Okay, so great rehearsal today. Everyone looks pretty solid and now we can work on brushing up the little stuff. We got about a week before the first show and we’re goin’ to be spending all of next week rehearsing on stage, getting familiar with the layout. So rest up, and I’ll see ya’ll Monday. Noon sharp, alright?”

I feel a nudge on my arm and I look up.  

“You got anything to say, J?”

“Uh, yeah… just um, good work. I really appreciate ya’ll being here. So thanks.” Fuck, could I sound any more insincere? Nice, Timberlake.

“Alright. See ya’ll Monday.”

Marty and I share a couple words before he takes off to talk to some of the other dancers. I make my way to my bag and start packing up. God, I can’t wait to get home.

“Hey J!” an unmistakable and perky voice greets from behind me. Fuck.

“Hey, what’s up girl?” Just be polite.

“Oh, not much. You know, same old,” Morgan giggles. What the hell is so funny?

“Yeah? You look good.” She giggles again and I kick myself for even opening my mouth. I really need to learn how to turn off the fucking charm every now and then.  

“Aw, thanks J! You look good too. You excited about the tour?” What the fuck do you think? It’s only my fucking tour.

“Of course I am.” Okay, that came off a little harsh but fuck it, I’m tired.

“Alright, well I have to get going.” Thank God. “I’ll see you Monday. Bye!”

She leans in for a kiss and I luckily turned my head quick enough for her lips to barely graze my cheek. Clearly she hasn’t gotten the point that I’m no longer interested.

“Yeah, see ya’,” I say less enthusiastically. I roll my eyes and pick up my bag as she walks away. I’m definitely going to need to set some ground rules before the tour starts.

“Hey, sorry about earlier.” The voice catches me by surprise and I turn around to see the new chick.

“Sorry? For what?”

“For that move. I just, I got into the routine and I guess I lost myself for a second. I wasn’t trying to…” she trails off. I grin. Watching a girl blush never gets old.

“It’s okay. No harm done. It was actually pretty hot. Definitely gonna give the audience something to talk about.”

“Yeah, guess so,” she laughs. She’s got a cute laugh. “Listen, I don’t want to keep you. I just wanted to make sure-“

“It’s all good.” Oh Jesus, did I just say that?

She nods and purses her lips into a smile. With a wave, she heads to the door and I remember I never got her name.

“Hey, do always go by ‘T’ or do you have a name?” I call out with a grin.

“Tanith,” she smirks.

Tanith. It’s no Tia or Tyra but it’s cute. Very cute.

I'm really going to miss this. Even more so, I'm really going to miss her.

"I love you," she whispers, running her thumb over my cheek. God, what I wouldn't give to work this out.

"I love you too, baby." If only we were in the same place. Her a few years younger or me a few years older. We would have been so good together.

"I can't believe this is it," her voice breaks, those usually bright blue orbs taking on a much darker hue.

"I know," I breathe. I can feel the tears threatening to spill and I choke them back; not because I'm trying to be macho but knowing that they'll only make the situation worse.

"Anything, okay? You call me for anything," she says in small and broken voice as tears start to stream down her face. I nod, gripping her tighter against me. I knew this was coming but Jesus, this is so hard.

"Same goes for you," I whisper, taking in her features one last time. She leans in and I know this is it. The end. Her lips softly touch mine and the wetness of her tears brush against my own. I lean down further, pulling her even tighter towards me as we kiss. After what seems like days, she finally pulls away and I'm surprised to see a smile one her face. My eyes wrinkle in confusion. Is she happy about this? Am I missing something?

"It's been fun," she jokes; and I get it immediately. She wants this to end with a laugh. On a good note. A happy note. And I don't dare disappoint.

"Yeah, it's been alright," I lightly chuckle back, mirroring her same sarcastic tone. She starts to pull away and I fight my urge to pull her back into my chest.

"Bye Justin," she sighs with a sad smile as she gives my hand one last squeeze. I blink and smile back knowing that she doesn't need to hear any words from me. She knows and she understands.

Our hands finally part as she begins to walk away, breaking the invisible string that was still holding our relationship together. I watch her get into her car as I have so many other times, and I feel a tightening in my stomach knowing that this is probably the last time we're ever going to have this connection. As much as Cameron and I love each other, we know the chances of us getting back together are pretty slim. But as optimists we made sure to leave that door open.

And that gives me some comfort.

---

"This is a joke, right?" I ask from behind the thin Chinese screens serving as a barrier between Dana and me. I hear her laugh and I make my way from behind the screens to stand in front of her.

"It looks good, girl!"

I lift my eyebrows as I look down at myself to scan the outfit once more. "I look like a hooker."

I feel her pull my waist towards her and I stumble to catch my feet. Before I know it, Dana's hands are groping and pushing up on my breasts. Ah, the many perks of being a dancer.

"We just need to pull this corset in a little tighter…"

"What?!" This lady is out of her damn mind. "I can hardly breathe as it is, Dana!"

Dana cocks her head back, finally releasing my breasts and places her hands on her hips. "Hey, if you want your tits falling out while you're on stage, then be my guest!"

I briefly shut my eyes and let out a loud huff before turning around. "Fine. Squeeze the shit out of me."

Dana chuckles and resumes her spot behind me as she begins to pull at the laces of the corset. I feel the air literally being sucked out of me and I now understand why women don't wear these things anymore. It's like a fucking vacuum for the female body. But I'm not gonna lie, there's something about these things that actually make me look and even feel a little sexy.

I close my eyes and try to think about anything else besides the tightening around my body. A small thrill shoots through me as I realize that there's only two days left before the first show. God, it seems like just yesterday I was moving into my new apartment in LA, and now here I am, a dancer on one of the most anticipated tours of the century.

Rehearsals have been pretty intense the past week, but I think everyone's more than ready for this tour to start. When we first started rehearsing on stage, it had been pretty rough. The biggest concern was breaking up the dancers so that everyone in the audience gets a good amount of the show, and no one had a clue as to how Marty was going to make it work. But after a solid four days of full rehearsals, it all came together.

The stage is massive. It's weird because it's big in a different sense. There are two distinct sides and there are a lot of things we have to look out for, like the band and the spaces between the catwalks and the walkways that also serve as a bar for the VIP section. Jesus, I can't even begin to estimate how much money people are spending to score those tickets.

It's actually pretty cool though. Definitely unlike any other stage I've performed on before, which makes it that much more exciting.

"Alright," I hear Dana sigh loudly. Thank God I zoned off while she was tightening my corset because I just realized that I had lost my ability to breathe. I can only pray that I don't pass out on stage. She pats my hip, prompting me to turn back around to face her. Her face scrunches a little as she eyes my boobs. "How does that feel?"

I fight the urge to say something really sassy and twist my body to test out my mobility. At this point, I could care less about not being able to breathe and grow more concerned about how I'm going to dance with my corset so tight.

"It's kind of tight." Okay, it's actually really tight but I don't want to come off as being a complainer.

"You think you can dance in it alright though? I can loosen it back up a smidge if you want." Dana replies. I do a couple stretches and dance moves. Eh', I'll live.

"No, it's good. A little stiff but I'm sure I'll get used to it."

Dana nods and pushes me back behind the Chinese screens to change. After a couple more words with her, I make my way back down to the makeshift cafeteria they have set up for the crew. You would think that after having to squeeze into a corset I'd be put off eating, but I'm not that type of girl. I love food and I love to eat food. So screw you, size two.

As I make my way into one of the many rooms of the large arena, my eyes scan for any familiar faces. Well, I guess I can't really say that because after a week of intense preparation for the first show, everyone's faces are beginning to look familiar. On the first day of stage rehearsals we had a "team meeting", which is a time when basically anyone and everyone who has the slightest part in putting the show together is addressed by either the tour manager or Justin. It's pretty effective when you think about it because it definitely keeps everyone on the same page. After the meetings everyone just kind of hangs out and introduces themselves to other people; and even though there's a shit load of people involved in this tour, its already starting to form that family feel.

I walk over to the buffet table and am met with a plethora of options to satisfy my hunger. Oh, and that's another thing to; whoever is in charge of the food on this tour definitely knows how to please people. I swear, I never anticipated such good tour food. I have to remember to make nice with the food crew at the next team meeting.

"How'd the fitting go?" I hear a voice ask me, suddenly snapping me out of my gaze. I chuckle lightly before grabbing a plate and beginning my journey down the long table of food, Trey in tow.

"Well, aside from being groped by Dana and having the life sucked out of me, pretty good." I place two rolls on my plate and a slab of butter. Gotta love those carbs.

"Damn, lucky you," Trey laughs in response. "Word around town is that you girls are gonna be wearing some pretty skimpy stuff?"

"Slutty is probably a better and more descriptive term," I reply, dropping a piece of chicken onto my almost overflowing plate. Trey whistles and mumbles something along the lines of getting a free show every night, and I smirk at him.

"Tanith!" a voice calls over to me, and my head turns toward the sound. I see Caylee waving her hands frantically and shake my head with a smile before making my way towards the table with Trey.

I settle next to Caylee and pull back my hair while greeting everyone at the table. Since I was the last one to be fitted, mostly all the dancers are finishing up their lunch, and the table soon fills with mindless chatter until a very distinct presence arrives.

"What's up guys," Justin eases out. He leans his hands against the table, a small smile perches itself on his lips and it's almost, I don't know… awkward.

This is another I've learned over the short amount of time I've known Justin. He's got these weird expressions sometimes, like he's lost or confused. Sometimes he'll just zone out with this blank stare and I always wonder what it is that could possibly be running through his head. I guess that always being the public eye kind of makes you appreciate the moments you have to yourself, but sometimes it worries me. And I know that seems weird because I've known him for what? About a month? But I just can't help but wonder.

"So I'm guessing you like the food?" Justin nods towards me. I blink before looking down at my full plate. Damn, I didn't know I grabbed so much food. I smile back up at him with a shrug and take a bite out of the roll in my hand. Justin laughs, and I can't help but notice that it's not as genuine as it usually is. He says a couple more things before heading to another table.

I don't know why, but I've got this feeling that something is off about him. I scan the table to see if anyone else noticed and my curiosity grows when no one seems to be showing any concern. My eyes look for Justin once more and I see him in the corner of the room, his cell phone pressed to his ear. His eyes are creased and even being a significant distance away from him, I notice his shoulders slump with a deep sigh as he hangs up his phone.

Before I had any more time to think about it, laugher erupts at the table bringing me back to my surroundings and I smile along in hopes that no one noticed my mental absence.

I've really gotta stop overanalyzing people.

I am the shit. And yeah, it sounds arrogant and cocky, but guess what? I don’t care because I am Justin. Fucking. Timberlake.

I just performed the opening show of what I know will be a kick ass tour. Everything tonight, from the lighting to the band to the crowd, was just right. Not exactly perfect, but I’m confident that I’ll have it all up to my perfectionist standard in no time.

But seriously, tonight was the shit. Maybe it’s because I haven’t performed in so long that the feeling was intensified to an all time high or maybe because it was the first show; but for whatever reason it was absolutely insane.

I really can’t take all the credit though. I’m not that much of a bastard. It was a combined effort, and it would be wrong of me to not acknowledge everyone who is a part of this tour and who played a part in putting the show together. And believe me, by the sight of all the alcohol in the club and all the laughter mingled in with the music booming out of the speakers, they’re all feeling pretty good about their efforts too.

Taking another casual sip of my beer, my eyes scan the room to the countless faces gathered into the intimate club, and I suddenly realize how huge this tour is. Not a spot in the club was left unattended by a body, and there wasn’t a face to be found without a smile. A surge of happiness pulsed through me knowing that I had a little something to do with that; and to be honest, this after-party really was the least I could do for everyone to show my appreciation.

I just wish I had someone to share this all with.

It sounds ridiculous now that I think about it because even though there are a shit ton of people congratulating me and celebrating this moment in my life with me, I still don’t feel like anyone really understands. Yeah, I know… boo hoo for me, right?

It’s been a couple days since I’ve talked to Cameron, and though I’m not absolutely devastated, I’m definitely still down and out about the whole situation. After four years of being in a steady relationship, I forgot how lonely being single was. Sometimes I even find myself talking to no one in particular, which isn’t necessarily a new development but it’s depressing nonetheless.

I really shouldn’t be thinking about that shit though. It’s not good for me, and it’s starting to bring down my buzz.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?!” Ah, Trace. I can’t help but smile at the little fucker.

“Nothin’ man, just reveling in my success.” I hear him snort as he plops down next to me.

“Fuck you, I know you’re thinking about Cam. Jesus, I thought just for tonight you’d be out of your little funk or whatever you got goin’ on but here you are, sitting on your ass on your big opening night.”

“I just danced for two fucking hours, dude,” I try to reason.

“Whatever man,” he easily replies, seeing past my pathetic excuse. “Look, when you’re ready to actually celebrate and fucking party, I’ll be at the bar.”

Damn, I hate when he’s right. And he is… all the fucking time. I really don’t know how he does it. I don’t know how he knows me so damn well. If I didn’t know any better, I would think we actually share a brain or something.

“Great show,” a voice draws out, jolting me out of my thoughts.

“Thanks. Couldn’t have done it without you though,” I smile. She laughs at my lame compliment and takes a sip of her drink, still lingering in front of the booth.

“Trust me… if I was cut out of the picture, I’m sure it still would have been great.” I scratch my head and squint my eyes before smirking.

“Yeah, that’s probably true.” She raises her eyebrow before letting out a laugh and I suddenly feel myself relax at the sound. “You got a minute to talk to me or would I be keeping you from much more interesting and fun people?”

She smiles at my question and shrugs her shoulders before making her way to the side of the booth and sliding in next to me. “Anything for the man of the night.”

“You having fun?” Jesus, I really couldn’t think of anything better to say?

“Yeah,” she nods slowly, her eyes scanning the room before landing on mine. Even in the dark, her bright hazel eyes seem to illuminate. “Are you?”

I break my stare and chuckle, “It is my party, right?”

“Well yeah…” she nods before leaning in closer to me. She lowers her voice to make it still audible over the music thumping in the background, “But you look like you’re fucking miserable.”

My eyes pop open a little bit and I don’t know why I’ve never had a straight conversation with this girl. She’s obviously perceptive and ballsy. And I love people like that.

I clear my throat and lean forward, resting my arms on the table in front of me. “Am I that obvious?”

“To me,” she lets out. “But that fake ass smile you got on your face seems to be fooling everyone else, so I wouldn’t worry about it too much.”

I slowly turn my head to face her. Usually I’d be offended by a comment like that, but for some reason I feel myself grinning instead. “Thanks, T.”

She just smiles back and takes another swig of her drink. And suddenly, like a fucking bat out of hell, I feel like maybe, just maybe, there is someone I can share all this with.

---

I had to say it because it was true. I knew that stupid smile on his face, which seemed to have everyone else in a trance, was everything but real. And I have to admit that I was a little taken back by how well he took it. I thought for sure that he would deny it, cuss me out or whatever. But he took it like it was, and that impressed me.

“So, Justin Timberlake. Aside from whatever it is that’s plaguing you, how does it feel to be on top of the world?” Miserable or not, I know that performance had to have given some kind of boost. Hell, it gave me one.  

“Well Tanith Johnson, I have to say that it doesn’t feel all that bad,” he smiles, leaning back against the plush cushioning of the booth, beer in hand.

“I can only imagine,” I sarcastically reply, shaking my head.

“T!” I hear a voice screech out. My eyes shoot toward the dance floor and the approaching figure and I laugh at the sight.

“Hey Cay,” giving her a wave.

“Oh my God! I have been looking everywhere for you, girl!” she slurs out in a giggle, bracing her hands on the table.

“Here I am,” I shrug. I feel myself jump when she suddenly lurches her head toward Justin.

“Justin! HI!” she all but screams out as if it was her first time meeting him. It takes everything in me not to burst out in laughter as Justin’s eyes bug out as he jerks his head back a little. He chuckles lightly and brings a hand to pinch Caylee’s cheek.

“Hi Caylee,” he laughs out. “Have you been drinking?”

Caylee’s eyes grow wide in mock horror before she bursts out into a fit of giggles. She leans her elbows on the table, bringing both of her index fingers to her lips and nodding furiously. “SHHH!!”

Justin and I both start laughing along with her and before we know it, all off us are struggling for breath. Luckily, Trace’s new presence brings us back down.

“Now this is the kind of Justin Timberlake I like to fucking see!”

“Tracey!” Caylee coos, latching her arms around his and leaning her head down to rest on his arm. Trace laughs and nudges her a little.

“Damn Cay, how much did you have to drink?!” Caylee rolls her head and smiles up at him.

“Thass for me to know, and for you to buy me another drink!”

Justin and I laugh at her obvious nonsense and watch her drag Trace back towards the bar.

“You know, if it were anyone else, that would have been annoying,” Justin shakes his head with a smile and I nod my head in understanding.

“Gotta love Cay.”

A moment passes between us as the music suddenly fades into a familiar eccentric beat. I see Justin smile before lowering and shaking his head. The club quickly fills with joking taunting, urging him to get up as all eyes zoom into him.

I laugh along with everyone else as Justin tries to wave off the attention, but the crowd is relentless and the yelling only seems to grow louder. I look over to the dance floor to see that space is already cleared out for him and can’t help but feel a little bad for the guy.

But before I can give him a sympathetic smile, I feel my hand being tugged on and my body being pulled towards the end of the booth.

“What the hell are you doing?!” I ask incredulously, ungracefully sliding my butt across the booth before I was literally dragged across it. Justin lets go of my hand and hops out of the booth before extending his hand back towards me.

“C’mon,” Justin gestures. I look at his hand before bringing my eyes back up to his.  

“C’mon what?!” He gives me that half smile of his and I feel a shiver shoot down my body.

“I’m not bringing sexy back by myself, T.”  

I can hear people calling out my name now too, but everything sounds like a whisper compared to the look he’s giving me.

I slowly purse my lips into a smile, finally slipping my hand into his as I stand up from the booth. Justin smiles at me once more before we make our way to the middle of the dance floor. A microphone is magically tossed his way and his voice smoothly fills the intimate club with the lyrics of SexyBack.

And now, even with everyone taking part of our little encore show, I’m starting to feel a personal connection to Justin. Maybe it’s the alcohol or the music or the lights or the way his hand is gripping my waist; I’m not really sure. But whatever it is, I hope it doesn’t go away because at the moment?

It feels so damn good to be bringing sexy back.

Twenty-six. Twenty-six fucking years old and alone. Boy, am I’m a winner.

It’s 12:58 AM and I’m spending the start of my birthday on a bus somewhere between Toronto and Montreal. Granted, I chose to spend it on a bus but I didn’t think I’d be this God damned depressed. It’s like birthdays have suddenly become my wake-up call, screaming, “JUSTIN. YOU ARE GOING TO DIE ALONE”. And that, my friend, is my worst fear.

I know, I’m being a pussy… but fuck, man. I’ve been in serious relationships for almost half my life and I’m still alone. You have to admit that something about that is fucked up, and that has me really fucked up. It’s got me thinking that maybe there’s something wrong with me. This shit has me thinking, am I too good of a boyfriend? Am I too clingy? Am I too serious? And Jesus, it even has me asking gay ass questions like, “Am I attractive”?

Alright. So maybe I did really want to know what Tanith thought; but that’s beside the point.

I don’t know anymore. Maybe I’m just not meant to find “the one”. Maybe I’m just supposed to be in long-ass relationships that are destined to fail from the very beginning.

I feel the bus come to slow stop and a little relief swarms over me at the fact that I’ll be able to get some fresh air and stretch. As I swing my legs off the couch, I hear a knock on my door.

“Yeah?” The door creaks slightly open and I don’t move to get up.

“Happy Birthday, man,” Alan eases with a smile. My first birthday greeting came from my bus driver… can’t exactly call it conventional but to be honest, it does put me in better spirits and I can’t help but smile back.

“Thanks, Al. Did you stop just to greet me or can I actually get out and get some air?” I joke, standing up and readjusting my hoodie. Alan laughs and pushes the door open wider.

“Nah, you can go ahead. We’re just stopping for a few minutes to fill up.”

“Sounds good,” I nod, making my way past him. Before I can reach the middle of the bus, I hear the door slam open.

“JUSTIN!” The scream is harsh enough to make my eyes roll into the back of my head.

“Fuck, T… are you trying to blow out my eardrums?” My question is easily ignored as she charges towards me and sharply jabs her index finger into my chest.

“Why didn’t you tell me it was your birthday?” I want to laugh or make a joke or say something cocky but she looks really pissed. It’s cute and sexy as hell.

“I don’t know?” I question my answer.

“Justin,” she manages through gritted teeth while digging her finger deeper into my chest, “…why. didn’t. you. tell. me.”

“It’s not that big a deal, T,” I shrug. She opens her mouth to speak but quickly snaps it shut.

“Happy Birthday,” she lazily replies in a monotone voice. I grin as I look down at her finger still pressed into my chest.

“Thank you. This is possibly the best birthday greeting I’ve ever received.” I look up to see her fighting back a smile. My grin grows bigger as I lean in toward her until a full smile breaks out on her face. She slaps my chest with her hand and laughs.

“You’re an asshole.” She’s so charming.

“Really T, you really know how to make a person feel special on their birthday,” I squint at her. I expect her to throw another jab at me but am mildly surprised when I feel her arms slip around my waist and her head press into my chest. Now this is the kind of greeting I was waiting for.

“I could have gotten you something. I feel like an idiot for not even knowing in the first place.” I have to chuckle at her mumbled words as I wrap my arms around her.

“Knowing you I’m sure you would have just gotten me a blow-up doll or something. So I’m good without the present.” She pulls back and I look down at her shocked face. I roll my eyes and hug her even tighter.

“You know I’m just kidding.”

“Actually, that face wasn’t because I was offended. It was out of shock. It’s like you can read my mind!”

“You’re an asshole,” I laugh lightly. As we stay embraced, I can’t help but notice how good it feels to hold her. To my displeasure, Tanith pulls away just in time for me to see Caylee bouncing in.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” she all but shrieks. Good grief, the women on this tour really need to learn how to contain their fucking voices. It’s bad enough I have to endure two and half hours worth of screaming and shrieking almost every night.

“Thanks, Cay,” I smile at her, leaning down to giver her a quick hug. Pulling away, she turns to face Tanith and turns back to me.

“Oh honey, you're going to feel like such an idiot,” she simply states while shaking her head and patting me on the cheek before turning on her heel and leaving just as quickly as she came.

Confused, I look to Tanith for some sort of explanation and she has her arms crossed over her chest with a half smirk on her lips. Without saying a word, she moves towards the front of the bus and hops down the stairs, me in tow. The feeling of fresh air is liberating and any previous thoughts I had melt away as I close my eyes and take a deep breath to inhale it. When I open my eyes, I realize that I’m alone again. My vision shifts to the right and I see Tanith laughing over something one of the dancers said and I smile at distant sound. Before I can make my way over to her, I feel a pair of hands cover my eyes and my first instinct is to scream for help. But a voice soon makes its way into my ear and the initial panic I felt immediately translates into annoyance.

“Guess who,” she whispers and I fight back the urge to shrug her off. I sigh as I bring my hands up to the ones covering my eyes and pull them off my face.

“Hi, Morgan,” I manage as she moves to stand in front of me. Taking note of her pretty scandalous outfit and the smile playing on her lips, it looks like she still hasn’t gotten the message that I’m no longer interested.

“Looks like the Birthday Boy’s in a bad mood,” she teases, placing hand on my arm “… anything I can do to help?”

Now my Momma raised me right and taught me to never demean women but Jesus, this girl is a fucking slut. Seriously, does she not have a clue as to how ridiculous she looks? How the hell did I ever sleep with this chick? Fuck, this is not something I need to deal with right now.

“Naw, I’m just tired,” I respond, moving my gaze back to Tanith and the other dancers who have now taken some kind of interest in the bugs stuck to the front bumper of the bus. I make a face of disgust but am quickly snapped back to attention when Morgan’s hands start to wander down my body. I step back and swiftly push her hands away from me.

Alright. This shit has gone on long enough.

“What the fuck are you doing, Morgan?” I ask in a tone more aggressive than I had intended. She cocks her head to the side and gives me a bored look, placing her hands on her hips.

“You know what I’m doing, Justin. It’s the same thing I was doing on your last tour,” she raises her eyebrows. She takes a step toward me and places her hands on my chest before lowering her voice. “And last time I checked, you liked it. A lot.”

“Yeah, well you fucking need to check again because clearly you got the wrong message the first time,” I step back, harshly pushing her hands off of me again. Before she can utter any more words, I stalk off towards the other dancers. I’m pretty sure she’s going to be pissed at me for that, but I just cannot stand there while she’s practically sexing me up and shit; and against my will, may I add. I should sue her ass for sexual assault or something. I’m sure that’ll send her the fucking message loud and clear.

“Hey, you ok?” I hear Tanith ask. Fuck, I’m so blind with anger and frustration and disgust that I can’t even muster up actual words and just shake my head as I shove my hands into the pockets of my hoodie. So much for being in a better mood.

Tanith doesn’t ask any questions but just purses her lips and nods. She links her arm through mine and leads me away from the crowd and towards the curb of the gas station. I’m forced to take seat on the cold cement as Tanith chooses to sit down. She releases my arm to wrap hers around her legs that are pulled up against her chest as I rest my arms over my bent knees after flipping the hood of my sweater up.

“Just so you know, she’s been talking about fucking you all day,” I hear Tanith blatantly state. I slowly roll my neck to face her.

“That’s not really helping, T.”

“Who said I was trying to help? I said, ‘Just so you know’. It wasn’t meant to make you feel better,” she smartly argues. I’m beginning to wonder if she really just says shit like that to piss me off.

“God, this day has barely started and I already want it to be over,” I groan, hanging my head between my bent legs in hopes to relieve some of the tension in my neck.

“Aw, c’mon J… it’s your birthday,” she chirps while lightly nudging my body with her significantly smaller one.  “What’re you gonna wish for?”

I laugh quietly and throw my head up to the sky. Truth be told, I have no fucking clue what to wish for this year. Come to think of it, I probably haven’t made a birthday wish since I was 14. So instead, I take the easy way out.  

“If I tell you, it won’t come true.”

“Fine,” she scoffs and runs a hand through her hair. “If you won’t tell me your wish then I’ll tell you mine.”

My stomach drops at her words and I stare silently at her. I expect her to break out in laughter any second but as she raises her eyebrows, my hopes of not feeling like a complete moron go right out the window. Fuck, I had no idea it was her birthday.

“It’s your birthday?” I ease out carefully. A small smiles spreads over face as she nods.

“Surprise!” she peeps out in a singsong voice. “We have the same birthday. Kinda neat, huh?”

I ignore her optimism and turn my body so I can fully face her. The words leave my mouth before I can stop them.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” She laughs and smiles snidely.

“Oh! Well, well, well… looks like the tables have turned! What happened to, ‘it’s not that a big deal, T’?” she mocks, lowering her voice to imitate me but it comes out more like some old biker guy named, Razor or Butch.

“First of all, I don’t sound like that,” I push back at her. “And second of all, as your employer, I feel like it was pretty shitty of me to not have known.”

As much as I hate to admit it, I now understand why she was so upset earlier about me not telling her it was birthday. It’s like, when you don’t know it’s someone’s birthday, your chances of doing anything special is shot to hell. You don’t get the chance to be the first one to wish them a happy birthday and you don’t get the chance to be the one who gives the best present. And now that I think about it, I really would have liked to do something special for Tanith. At least some flowers or something.

“Justin, its fine. So I'm 25, big whoop,” she rolls her eyes.  

Before I can protest any more, I hear Al’s voice calling for us to get back on the buses. Tanith is quick to get up, brushing her hands on the back of her sweatpants once she’s standing and I follow in her suit. We walk in silence back to the buses and upon reaching mine, I stop her before she can go any further.

“Happy Birthday, T.”

“Thank you,” she smiles brightly. For a quick second, I wonder if I should ask her to ride with me but decide against it. I really need to clear my fucking head and I don’t want to bring all my negative shit on her on her birthday. I figure I’ll be miserable enough for the both of us. She turns to start walking towards the dancers bus and as she reaches the door, I call out to her.

“Hey T, you never told me what you were gonna wish for!” She grins and takes a step to get on the bus.

“I wish that you wish for the same thing I wish for,” she yells before disappearing into the bus. It takes me a second to process what she said and I feel a smile tugging at the corner of my lips once it clicks.

Damn, that girl is something else.

“Justin,” she breathily pants into my ear. Fuck, I’m going to come.

God, tonight has been so awesome. Forget all the shit I was thinking about earlier today, being alone and all that shit. So what if I can’t find that one girl? I have a whole third-world country full of chicks that want to get me inside of them. Women were all over me tonight, and for the first time in a long time, I didn’t mind. I actually craved it.

Oh yeah, I definitely had sexy ladies all over the floor tonight… and I’m definitely taking it off right now.

As my head drops back against the headboard, I squeeze my eyes shut in hopes to last just a little bit longer. I can hear her moans getting louder and higher, and it takes everything inside of me to restrain myself from flipping us over and just start pounding into her.

I suddenly feel her hands on my face and her lips on mine as the taste of tequila forces it’s way back into my mouth. Jesus, I can’t even guess how many drinks I’ve had tonight, and I’m pretty sure she has no idea how much she’s had either. But one thing’s for damn sure… this was definitely unexpected.

“Are you close,” she moans over me, squeezing me real tight inside her to the point where the words catch in my throat and I’m forced to nod my head.

I reach around her slim waist to grab a hold of her ass and thrust up real hard. Damn, I don’t know how I’ve been able to hold out this long. It’s been about two months since I’ve had sex and even though I’ve been occupied with the tour, it’s about time I got a good fuck.

The first waves of euphoria wash over me and I let out a loud groan as I feel her walls contract around my dick in return. With one last yell of my name, I feel her release, causing me to lurch forward and let go as well.

After a couple minutes our breathing slows back into its normal pace and without saying anything, she carefully slips off of me and rolls underneath the covers. Silence soon fills the dark room and I’m pretty sure both of us are wondering how the hell we could have let this happen. I mean, I guess it’s not too hard to figure out but seriously, this could cause some serious shit to go down.

I feel the bed shift and I can feel her eyes boring into the side of my head. I know I should say something and be somewhat comfortable about this whole situation, but instead I feel completely exposed and awkward. And even though we’ve just committed the most intimate act two people could ever do together, the fact that I’m still laying here naked on top of the covers isn’t helping my anxiety.

“Justin,” her soft voice pierces the quiet air. I sigh inwardly at the conversation that I know will lead towards dangerous territory and roll my head towards her. Her elbow is bent and her head is propped up on her hand, and she’s looking down at me intensely.

“Yeah?” Fuck, this is so not going to be good.

“What… what just happened?” Seriously. I can already feel the massive hangover I’m going to have tomorrow morning bearing down on me right now.

“We don’t have to do this right now,” I reply gently, hoping that she'll maybe get the hint. Her eyes glance away from mine and take the opportunity to shift my eyes back towards the ceiling because to be honest, I’m still feeling a pretty good buzz and I don’t want to have this conversation with her while I’m still a little drunk. As if this situation isn’t bad enough already.

“I want to do this right now. Look at me, Justin,” I hear her voice out. Shit, it’s that tone. The tone that makes me want to roll my eyes and tell her to fuck off.

I sigh in annoyance and sit up to look for my boxers. Finding them at the foot of the bed, I lean over to snatch them up and shuffle them back on. If I’m having this conversation, then at least I’m going to have it decently. I don’t think it would help to have my dick just hanging out when I tell her that us having sex was a really fucking bad idea. Pushing my back up against the headboard, I cross my arms against my chest and look down at her still propped up head.

“Fine. I’m gonna level with you, Cam. We had sex and it was great. Do I still have feelings for you? I don’t really know. All I know is that it’s my birthday, we had a few drinks and I wanted to have sex.”

Fuck, I guess there's no way around this conversation without sounding like a complete douche-bag. Her gaze doesn’t break from mine and a minute passes before she speaks.

“Did you want to have sex with me or did you just want to have sex?” God damn-it. This is exactly why I didn’t want to go down this road, and I know I’m about to go off.

“Fuck Cameron, I don’t fucking know, alright?!” I explode. “God, I.. it’s my birthday and I wanted some ass! Call me a fucking asshole, but that’s the truth! I can’t sort all this shit out while I’m fucking drunk!”

I hoist myself off the bed and begin to pace. I’m trying to keep myself from completely lashing out on her because I have a lot of pent up frustration just from stress and all the shit that’s been running through my mind lately; but damn, she is really tempting me right now.

“That’s all you can say? That you ‘don’t fucking know’,” I hear her mock me. “I come here for your birthday after not seeing you for 3 months and we have sex! I don’t fucking care how drunk we were, I’m sure we were both pretty aware of the situation! So don’t just stand there and tell me you don’t fucking know!”

My head feels like it’s about to pop off and I press my palms against my eyes before turning to face her. She’s standing in front of me now, the bed sheet wrapped tightly around her thin frame. I can see the frustration in her eyes and it hurts me to think that after how we ended things, this is what we’ve come back to. I don’t want it to be like this between us and I know she doesn’t either, so I need to find a way to compose myself. Looking down at the floor, I place my hands on my waist before taking a deep breath and bringing my eyes back to hers.

“Look, Cam… I, I’m sorry that this happened, okay? And I’m sorry if that offends you in any way, but you know that this was a mistake. I know that we left things open between us and that’s great and all, but look at us… look at where we are right now. Shit girl, I don’t even think we fought like this when we were together.”

Cameron lets out a light laugh and I feel myself smile a little, and I already feel some weight being lifted off my shoulders. She pulls the sheet tighter against her body and purses her lips together. I can see her thinking hard about what she’s going to say next and I wait patiently until she's ready because I already know what's coming.

“I think we should be done with all of this. I… you’re right, J. It was a mistake, leaving things the way we did, so open…” she trails off, shaking her head and looking away. My heart aches a familiar pain and I pull her into me, wrapping my arms around her and pressing my cheek up against the side of her head.

“It’s just too complicated this way, ya’ know?” I whisper into her ear, and I feel her nod against my chest.

Even though I could possibly still have feelings for Cameron, I know that this is the best decision for our relationship; especially since I’ve been so confused about my emotions towards women in general. And as we stand silently and still embraced, I feel a sense of closure and realization.

I’ve been looking at this whole relationship thing the wrong way.

For the entirety of my dating experience, I’ve always had options. Jesus, I even wrote a song about it. I just, I’ve always felt like it was my responsibility to find ‘the one’. And I know I’m about to sound really cliché and like a big pussy right now, but maybe love chooses you. And I don’t know, maybe there is a little bit of accountability on my part to make that first, initial move; but maybe that’s all it takes. Maybe the rest will just take care of itself.

And maybe, if I’m right and really lucky, love will choose me.

The thing about Justin is that when you break him down into categories, he's not all that great. Justin is really just, well, to put it simply, "average". I know I probably sound like I'm on drugs right now saying something like that, but it's the truth.

Look-wise, he's not overtly good looking. He doesn't have that blatant, in-your-face kind of attractiveness that some people were fortunately just born with. And his nose is huge. If you think it looks big on TV and in pictures, you should see it up close and personal. It's really fucking huge. And his skin isn't that smooth. It's a little rougher, a little more coarse to the touch. And when it comes to intelligence, you'd be more than surprised to find out that he sometimes lacks common sense. There's even this running joke between everyone on the tour and Justin about how much of a "blonde" he actually is.

He's also more conservative than he likes to admit. Or maybe I'm just more liberal than I'd like to admit. I don't know. Either way, Justin has some pretty straight-laced views on certain situations and issues, some of which I believe are absolutely ignorant on his part but that's a whole other story.

As for dancing, yeah, he's got some pretty slick moves. But a real dancer can easily see that all that fancy footwork can be broken down into basic steps. Believe it or not, there are hundreds of phenomenal dancers out there that can flat-out put Justin to shame on the dance floor.

I guess the only thing that I can't really nitpick at is his voice. It's undeniably flawless; and while he's no Christina Aguilera, he certainly has an exceptional set of pipes.

But despite all these "flaws" or whatever you want to call them, what I've come to realize is that what it really adds up to is the big picture. Because when you put the looks, the personality, and the talent all together… Justin Timberlake can be lethal.

And his toxic-ness has already poisoned me.

I guess it's been building for a while now, but I never really let myself fall into it. I figure that I was lucky enough to just tour with him. Although lately, I've been finding myself inching closer and closer to that edge that I know will launch me into an entirely different world that I've never experienced before. And I'm not sure I'm ready for that.

I can't exactly pinpoint when I started succumbing to this idea of Justin and I being "romantically involved", but I guess if I had to be specific, it would probably be a couple days after our birthdays. At the end of the Montreal show, the crowd started singing Happy Birthday to Justin and halfway through the song, he stopped them to mention that it was my birthday too. Before I knew it, I was being pulled up onto the stage and into the spotlight as a crowd of 20,000 people sang Happy Birthday. Of course I was blushing and trying to run off stage the whole time, but Justin kept his arm around me and just laughed.

When we finally made our way out of the arena and back onto the buses, I found a individual sized cake with, 'Happy Birthday to us!', written on the top in hot pink icing sitting on my bunk. Next to it was a Post-It note from Justin simply stating, 'Sorry for not telling you. Happy 25th, T. -J'.

It wasn't anything particularly creative or unique, and I'm sure that his personal assistant had a good hand in setting it all up; but nonetheless, it was thoughtful and genuine. And, I really hate admitting this but I felt my eyes well up a little bit. I was actually a bit surprised at that considering that I'm not really an emotional person. There have only been three people in life who've ever seen me cry, and I'm not saying that like I'm proud of it but more-so to prove my point. If a little cake and a Post-It note was enough to affect me the way it did, what the fuck is going to happen if I actually start falling for him? I would rather have hell freeze before I turn into one of those emotional, basket case chicks that cry every time they watch The Notebook.

"You owe me cake," I hear a voice, breaking me out of my thoughts. My eyes move from the TV to Justin's face.

"Excuse me?" There's no way I'm about to go roam around New York City by myself to go fetch Mr. Superstar some fucking cake. He's got to be delusional.

"You didn't save any cake for me." He can't possibly be serious. I ate that cake more than a week ago and he's bringing this up now?

"I assumed that was a gift."

"Yeah, a gift you were supposed to share with another celebrant. Me." His eyes flash at me for a second before he makes his way around the coffee table, plopping down next to me on the small couch. "If I remember correctly, the cake said, 'Happy Birthday to us'… not just 'Happy Birthday, Tanith'."

That smug look that he gets every time he has to prove point is staring me right in the face. God, he is such a little prick.

"Well if you'd like, I could force a finger down my throat and vomit it all back up for you. How 'bout that?" My head snaps in his direction as he scrunches his face up in disgust. I finally let out a laugh before reverting my attention back to the Sex and the City episode playing on the TV.

I hear Justin sigh heavily and feel him scoot lower on the couch as his head hits my shoulder. I look down at him before instinctively shifting my arm back so I can run my hand over his shaved head. It's kind of an odd position, but it's comfortable. It isn't long until I hear Justin's breathing even out and deepen. I struggle to keep my own eyes open but with every breath he takes, I feel my lids dropping lower and lower.

But before I allow myself to drift into a sweet sleep, I can't help but feel a small smile creep up on me.

---

I know she thinks I'm asleep and I feel kind of bad that I'm actually not. My head is pressed up against the side of her breast now, and as odd and twisted as this may sound, it's relaxing and calming. It just feels too good to fall asleep. I don't know what it is but there's just something about a woman's touch that can put a man at ease.

It's been about a week since that whole episode with Cameron, and I really am feeling a lot better about this relationship and love stuff. It's like this new perspective has given me a whole new lease on life, and I feel relieved knowing that I don't have to seek love out… that I can just take my time and enjoy other things going on in my life.

Like this moment that I'm having right now with Tanith.

I haven't told her. I didn't tell her that I slept with Cameron last week and I don't really know why. I think it's maybe because I just haven't had-no, haven't felt, a reason for me to tell her about it. Or maybe it's because I'm scared that she'll get pissed and this whole unspoken thing we have for each other will end before it can actually begin.

I don't really know what I'm expecting out of this thing that we have going on, but I do know that I want something. But like I've said, I'm letting things take its own course. I'm not going to harp on it like I used to.

Well, at least not as much.

Luckily for me, things have really started picking up with the tour so I'm not getting as much free time to just sit around and ponder. Sure, there's been a lot more pressure with this tour because vocally, it's a hell of a lot more demanding than the Justified tour. I'm constantly trying to think of new ways to keep the show fresh and exciting for every crowd because honestly, I know that there's going to be a hell of a lot more shows and the last thing I want is for the crew to get sick of seeing and hearing and doing the same fucking shit night after night.

I feel Tanith shift against me a little and I realize that she's probably in a really uncomfortable position for sleeping. Smiling to myself as a quiet snore seeps out of her mouth, I slowly sit up, still being mindful that my body was what was supporting hers from falling flat onto the couch. Once I'm completely upright, I carefully stand and guide her body down, lifting her bent legs up on the couch so she can lie down. Damn, she must be so wiped. Pardon the cockiness when I say this, but when you're on a major tour like mine, there's bound to be a time when you just completely want to commit suicide because you're so fucking tired.

With a deep sigh, I place a light kiss on the side of her forehead and head into the other room so she can rest up before tonight's show. As I make my way back to my dressing room, I feel my phone vibrate and fish it out of my pocket, a smile tugging at the corners of my lips at the name flashing on the caller id. I flip my phone open as I continue to make my way to my dressing room, nodding and silently greeting some of the crew on my way.

"What's up, fucker?"

"Man, fuck you! What, you can't pick up a fucking phone anymore?" The question makes me laugh loudly just as I reach my door. Pushing it open, I kick it back to close it and head over to the couch.

"Shit, I've been busy man. You know this." My ears are met with a loud scoff, which only makes me smile even bigger as I plop down on the couch.

"Yeah, busy dry humping and getting lap dances every night from your fucking strippers… oh wait, wait, I mean your 'dancers'…"

"Aye' man, don't be jealous of my luxurious lifestyle," I smirk into the phone. I hear a scoff as I plop down onto the couch while throwing an arm behind my head.

"Whatever, dude. Don't forget that I still have the rights to that tell-all book…" A loud, boisterous laugh escapes my lips and I suddenly realize how much I miss my best friend.

It didn't use to be so bad before because Trace was my personal assistant, but now since he's taken over William Rast, we haven't been able to spend very much time together. Shit's really been blowing up for him and I'm not saying that I'm not happy for him, but sometimes I find myself wishing that he would just say fuck-it to everything and come back and hang with me.

"So what's up man? I haven't talked to you in a minute…" I ease out.

"Man, just busy as fuck… working on the line and shit."

"Yeah? How's it going?"

"Good, good. We got some pretty tight ideas," I hear him sigh before changing topics. "So how's your girl?"

Shit, I almost forgot I told him about Tanith. After the shit-show with Cameron on my birthday, I called Trace like a fucking girl and gossiped and complained about all my girl troubles.

"Well first of all, she's not my 'girl',"

"Still? What the fuck man, I thought you said you were gonna ask her out and shit…" I run a hand over my tired face. I always have to repeat shit to this kid a million times before he gets it.

"I told you, I'm just letting it take its course. I'm not fucking planning any moves."

"Man, you're just being a pussy," Trace spits out.

"Yeah, well what about Joanna, huh'? What's goin' on there," I argue back.

"Bitch, she is my girl!" He shrieks. I let out a chuckle and check my watch as I sigh. Almost showtime.

"I'm just playing, man… but seriously, I'm just gonna wait it out. See where it can go, ya' know?"

"Alright, but just keep in mind that the longer you drag shit out, the harder it's gonna be." I smile tenderly at Trace's softer side. It's not often that it comes out but when it does, I know he really means it.

"I know. But listen, I gotta go… don't wanna keep my 'strippers' waiting," I joke. Trace laughs lightly and I can imagine him rolling his eyes and flipping me off.

"Whatever. Have a good show, alright?"

"Yeah, thanks man. I'll give you a call in a couple days, and tell Jo I said what's up."

"For sure… later, J."

"Later," I breathe out before hesitating lifting my body back into a sitting position, arms over my knees as I flip my phone aimlessly between my hands. I continue to stare at the blank wall in front of me and begin to feel those familiar anxiety feelings again prickling through my veins, telling me that I need to find someone fast. Itching to find 'the one'.

Fuck, this is waiting it out shit is going to be a lot harder than I thought.

I want to kiss him. I really, really fucking do. But I can’t.

And it’s frustrating the shit out of me.

It’s been a couple weeks now that Justin and I have had our ‘thing’ going on, and even though I’m enjoying it, I’m starting to get a little antsy. We’ve cuddled, we’ve held hands, we’ve slept together… and when I say, “slept together”, I literally mean slept together. It still felt good though; spooning, his strong arms wrapped around me, his thick body against mine.

But all this and we have yet to kiss. No peck on the lips, no kiss on the cheek… nothing. Maybe a kiss on the forehead once in a while, but what does that really mean? I mean c’mon, people kiss their dogs on the forehead.

What makes it even worse is that we both know we want to and neither of us is making the move. Don’t get me wrong, plenty of opportunities have passed us by and we’ve certainly gotten close to actually doing it, but one person always pulls away at the very last minute.

God, I can’t remember the last time I’ve wanted to kiss someone so badly; hell, I don’t even think there has ever been a time that I’ve wanted to kiss someone this bad. I’m beginning to think that God is punishing me for something I’ve done. And trust me, if I could ask the big man upstairs what I did to deserve such torture, I would. I would fucking beg, grovel, commit myself to solving world hunger and peace… anything to feel those lips on mine, even if it’s just for a second.

Shit.

I knew… I fucking knew this would happen. I knew that I would get this attached and infatuated with him; but it’s happening a lot sooner than I thought it would. We haven’t even been on a damn date yet.

God, I am so screwed.

“Hey Tan-Tan,” I hear Caylee’s familiar, chirpy voice ring out. One of my eyes slowly slips opens underneath my sunglasses, the blazing sunlight making it hard to focus on her face.

“Hi, Cay,” I offer a tight smile as she settles into the reclined patio chair next to me.

“You enjoying the Miami sun?” I sigh deeply and settle further into my chair.

“Hell yeah I am. It’s been a while since we’ve been anywhere relatively warm.”

“I know, right?” she agrees enthusiastically before sighing. “This makes me miss LA though.”

“Seriously… I’m dying for an In N Out burger,” I say wistfully. Caylee lets out a giggle and I smile at the sound.

Over the past few months, Caylee’s kind of become my vice. And to be honest, it surprised me because she’s definitely not the type of person I thought I would ever become such close friends with. She’s extremely bubbly and optimistic, and almost borderline ADD. But there’s something oddly refreshing and genuine about her that I really dig.

“So did you hear that Trace and Rachael are coming in today?” she asks curiously in that high pitched voice of hers, and I know that she’s trying to get something out of me. Keeping my eyes closed, I grin, tilting my head towards the sky, enjoying the feel of the warm rays of sun radiating on my face.

“Yeah, Justin mentioned something about that,” I answer simply, not giving into her bait. I hear her huff loudly as my smile grows wider.

“Ugh, c’mon Tan-Tan, you have to give me something!” she whines playfully. I can feel her eyes burning into the side of my head and I just shake my head absently at her.

Justin actually did more than just ‘mention’ Trace and Rachael’s arrival to me. One night before falling asleep, he softly whispered the idea of me maybe meeting some of his “people”. And yes, he called them his “people”. I laughed lightly at the statement and was slightly confused considering I had “met” Trace and Rachael on numerous occasions before and throughout the tour. Assuming he was just kidding, I laughed it off but when my ears were met with silence, I suddenly became aware of the fact that he was being serious.

Needless to say, the day has finally come for me to really get to know some of the most important people in Justin’s life and I can honestly say that I’m not nervous. I mean, it’s not like I’ve never met them before. I think I’m more anxious and curious than I am nervous. Actually, I think that Justin is more nervous about me meeting them than I am.

“What do you want me to say?” I finally respond.

“I don’t know! But c’mon, Tan… you have to admit that that’s a big deal!” she all but squeals. I purse my lips and turn my head slightly to face her.

“Alright, it’s a little bit of a big deal,” I reluctantly agree.

“Thank you! Gosh, you are so difficult!” she complains, turning over in her chair to lay on her stomach.

“Finally, someone agrees with me,” a masculine voice responds out of nowhere. My head tilts back against the chair and I’m met with Justin’s smirking face looking down at me.

“Hilarious,” I bite back sarcastically.

“Hi, J-Bear!” Caylee sings as Justin and I turn to face her, amused.

“J-Bear?” I ask, eyebrows raised. Caylee squints her eyes toward Justin.

“Yeah, I don’t know where that came from… sorry,” she sheepishly apologizes before closing her eyes again and I hear Justin chuckle.

“It’s alright, ‘Cay-Bear’,” he jokes back before making his way around the chair, patting my legs in an attempt to make room for himself. I move up the chair as he takes a seat on the end, placing my legs over his lap. “So you excited?”

“For what?” I ask dumbly, knowing exactly what he was referring to.

“Girl, you know what I’m talkin’ about!” I grin at him before nodding.

“Yeah, yeah, I know. And of course I’m excited,” I genuinely answer. I watch Justin’s face spread into a smile and I smile back.

“I talked to Rachael this morning before they took off and she’s really excited to get to know you,” he perks up. I shift slightly as I move my sunglasses off my face and perch them on top of my head so I can really look at him.

“You know, you don’t have to do that,” I reply quietly, keeping aware of the fact that Caylee is surely listening in next to us. It’s not that I mind her knowing because I know she’s not the sell-out type, but I just don’t want her getting any more ideas in that crazy head of hers.

“What’re you talking about,” Justin responds, a little irked. I shrug, my eyes still trying to adjust to sun.

“Nothing… I just- you don’t need to reassure me. I’m fine,” I draw out, looking into his eyes for good measure. “Really.”

Justin narrows his eyes and shakes his head slightly, “Reassure you?”

“Yeah. You’ve been doing it for the past couple of days,” I reason, beginning to get a little annoyed myself. Has he seriously not noticed?

“Well, I thought that you’d just like to know,” he says with more attitude than I would have liked to pick up on. My eyes zone in to his hoping to find some sort of answer to why he’s all of a sudden becoming so pissy.

“Look, J…” I begin slowly, trying to keep my voice light, “It’s not that I don’t appreciate it or am happy to know that your friends want to get to know me. I’m just saying that you don’t need to keep making me aware of it.”

Justin glances back towards Caylee who is now staring intently at the both of us. I turn my head towards her and give her a pleading look and she sighs exaggeratively.

“Well, I think I’ve gotten enough sun for today,” Caylee all but smoothly covers as she gets up from her chair. “I’ll see you kids later!”

I watch her walk off as Justin and I are left alone, and it isn’t long until his voice breaks the tension filled silence.

“What do you mean by making you ‘aware’ of it?” he asks briskly. I shake my head as I move my legs off his lap, scooting up and sitting Indian style in the chair to get some distance.

“You’ve been harping about Trace and Rachael being ‘so excited’ and ‘so stoked’ to meet me and I’m beginning to wonder if you’re doing it for me or for yourself,” I let out pretty harshly, my frustrations starting to get the best of me.

I hear him scoff lightly as he forcefully turns his body to fully face mine. “And what the hell does that mean?”

“Ugh,” I groan out, removing my sunglasses from my head so I can run my hands through my hair angrily to relieve some of the irritation that is soon to boil over. “Forget it! Just… forget I said anything.”

“No! Say what you gotta say, T!” I hear Justin lash back towards me.

“Do you seriously not get it? God Justin, you have been on my fucking ass about Trace and Rachael for the past four days! And yeah, at first it was really sweet and comforting, but now it’s becoming ridiculous!”

“Oh, so me wanting to let you know how excited my friends are to meet you is ridiculous? What, do you not want to meet them?” he asks wittingly.

“No!” I yell out; and before I can stop myself, I feel all my pent up frustration bubble up and I lose it. “I’m saying that I think you have a fucked up need to be constantly reassured!”

And like slow motion, the very second that the last word fell out of my mouth, I could see Justin’s face immediately fall and I know that I just fucked up. Big time.

“Fuck,” I hear myself quietly mumble before shutting my eyes slowly in hopes to gain back my composure. I feel the chair shift and I’m praying to God that he didn’t leave. After a few seconds of silence, my eyes peel back open to land on Justin still sitting at the end of the chair, back hunched over, arms over his knees, hands clasped tightly, and head hung.

My mind is spinning of what he could possibly be thinking right now, but I know that whatever it is, it sure as hell ain’t good. But before I can even start to organize my thoughts and begin to apologize, the faint melody of Stevie Wonder’s, ‘I Just Called To Say I Love You’, hums quietly in the tension-filled air.

Great, perfect timing.

Normally I would laugh and make fun of the amusing ring tone Justin has preset for Trace, but I don’t think either of us is in the mood for shits and giggles. God, could this situation get any worse?

I watch Justin as he clenches his jaw while fishing his phone out of his pocket. The song quickly comes to an end as he answers.

“Hey, you guys here yet?” he immediately asks as if he was stuck on deserted island and help was on its way.

Shit, he is really pissed.

I continue to stare intently, trying to catch a glimpse of that excitement that I just squashed a couple minutes ago. I watch as he clenches and unclenches his fist while gripping his phone tightly against his ear.

“Yeah, that sounds good man. We got some downtime before the show anyways… yeah.” He gives me a quick glance over before looking away and replying. “Uh, maybe… she- there uhm, there might be some change of plans.”

Well there isn’t really any other way to take that, is there?

I feel my body slump against the chair and all of a sudden the sun doesn’t feel so great anymore. I hear Justin end his conversation with Trace as I look down and fiddle with my sunglasses between my fingers. I half expect him to just get up and leave, and I’m surprised that he hasn’t yet. Shit, if the roles were reversed I would have already slapped him and told him to go fuck himself.

I shift my gaze back to Justin’s still tense form and he clears his throat, looking straight ahead. “They just landed.”

That little bit of information livens me up just a little bit. I mean, he had to have said that for a reason, right?

“Jus-”

“I’ll see you later,” he cuts me off before pushing himself up and walking away as I’m left alone to process my thoughts.

What the hell just happened?

She’s not a girly-girl. She doesn’t beat around the bush. She’s tough. I get that.

But goddamn, she can be a bitch.

Don’t get me wrong… I’m not trying to say she is bitch. I’m saying she can be a bitch. There’s a difference.

What she said out there on the patio… that shit really pissed me the fuck off. It’s not like I’m completely unaware of the fact that I come off a little strong when it comes to the people I care about, but why’d she have to go and say that?

Kinda looking back on it, yeah… I’ve gone to her for a lot “reassurance”, as she so lovingly put it. But she never said anything about it. She never hinted off the idea that maybe I was asking for a little too much support. And what the fuck? Is there anything as “too much support”? If there is, well then fuck me. I never knew it was a crime to ask for some goddamn “reassurance”.

Fuck, maybe I really am a pussy like Trace said. Maybe I’m really overbearing and that’s why none of my past relationships have ever worked out. Or maybe I’m being too damn sensitive. Either way, this shit’s fucked up.

“Hey, you okay?” I hear Rachael call out to me as we make our way to the elevators. A part of me wants to just go back to my room to and chill so I can release some of this anger, but I’ve waited too damn long to see my family to just hoe them out like that… regardless of how pissed I may be right now.

“Nah, I’m cool,” I respond with a small shrug. I see Rachael cast a glance over to Trace and I know they’re not buying my bullshit. But the thing is, they know that when I’m ready to talk, I will. But for now, I just want to kick back for a minute with the people I know can really let loose with…maybe they can give me the “reassurance” I need.

Damn it, this shit is really fucking with me.

“Sooo,” Trace lets out heavily, “… where’s your girl at?”

The question causes me to tense as we get into the elevator and I turn quickly to punch the floor button. My eyes catch a glimpse of Rachael whose eyebrows are raised in curiosity as I roll my neck.

“Outside,” I answer shortly, not really ready to vent just yet. Trace clicks his tongue as the elevator begins to move.

“Ahhh, so that’s what’s buggin’ you. What? Trouble already? Is she a lesbian?” I shake my head at his lame attempt to get me talking.

“It’s nothing,” I brush off, hoping he just drops the subject. The last thing I want to do is spend the whole day complaining about how the girl I’ve been digging practically told me I was a needy pussy.

“Yeah, that’s convincing,” Rachael laughs lightly as we reach our floor and the elevator door opens. As we exit the elevator and turn the corner, I open my mouth to speak but snap it back shut when I’m met with a face that I’m not too keen on seeing right now.

“Oh! Uhm, hi. I was just- I,” she stutters over her words, stopping just short of me, her eyes bouncing between mine, Trace, and Rachael’s before settling on just me. “…I was looking for you.”

I look away for a moment and clear my throat. “Why, what’s up?”

I catch the flash of confusion on her face before she catches on to the fact that I don’t really want to play nice right now, and I have to admit I do feel a little bad.

“Uh, nothing,” she starts slowly before pursing her lips into a smile. “It’s uhm.. it’s nothing. I’ll see you later. Sorry to bother you.”

With one last small smile, I inwardly groan as I watch her scurry around the corner. I look to Trace and am met with a bored look. He shakes his head at me before dropping his bag and jogging around the corner back towards the elevators.

“Hey! Hey, wait up!” I hear him yell and before I know it, I’m taking long strides back toward the elevator myself. As I round the corner, I stop short of the sight in front of me.

“Yeah?” she timidly asks, wringing her hands together as if someone were about to ask her if she had just witnessed a murder scene.

“Tanith, right?” Trace asks coolly. I see Tantih turn to glance at me quickly before bringing her attention back to Trace.

“Mhmm. Hi,” she nods in reply, sticking her hand out to him. Trace casts me a look before taking a hold of Tanith’s hand and shaking it.

“Yeah, I thought I recognized you. You’re the chick that was breaking it down with J at the club after the first show, right?”

I see a tiny sense of relief come over Tanith as she lowers her head to laugh quietly. “Uhm, yeah. That was me.”

“Girl, you gotta teach me some of those moves!” I hear Rachael blurt out from behind me. I look back at her with wide eyes as she shrugs. What the hell is going on here?

“Hey, why don’t you come chill with us?” Trace asks nonchalantly as I bite the inside of my cheek to keep from cussing him the fuck out.

“Uh,” Tanith begins to respond unsteadily, her eyes shifting between Trace and me. “… I, I don’t know…”

“Dude, leave her alone,” I call out jokingly, hoping to ease some of the awkwardness and tension; but the fucker just flips me off.

“Naw, c’mon. We were just gonna chill in Justin’s room. Besides, we already know everything about him. He’s boring.”

Tanith shakes her head politely. “I don’t want to intrude.”

“Trust me, you’d be doing us a favor,” Rachael smartly interjects, now standing next to me. Alright, for real. What is this bullshit?

“Well,” Tanith starts off before catching my eye, “… if that’s okay?”

I know that the question holds a lot more bearing than it’s coming off as, but I feel like I’m trapped. If I say no, then I’m an asshole. But if I say yes, the opportunity to chill out and vent and come down from my anger is shot to hell and I’ll be acting like an asshole the whole time she’s there.

Fuck.

“Sure,” I grit out through my teeth. “Why not…”

“Great! Let’s go,” Trace chimes with a grin, while slinging an arm over Tanith’s shoulder and leading her to my room.

Fucking great.

Upon reaching my room, I fight the urge to slam the door as Trace, Tanith, and Rachael make their way into the sitting room of the suite, leaving me behind to drag the suitcases in myself. Bitches…

I hear a loud laugh resound in the next room and a part of me sinks. I know that this trip was mainly for Trace and Rach to get to know Tanith but now everything’s fucked up. Now there’s tension and I can’t focus on anything but what she said earlier. And the more I think about it, the more I just want to lash out and ask her what the fuck her problem is.

God, I need to figure out how to get over this and fast.

“Yo, J! Did you know that?!” Trace yells out to me as I make my way into the other room where they’ve all settled into a cordial seating arrangement, with Trace kicked back on the sofa and Rachael and Tanith in the loveseat. With no choice, I plop down into the open armchair.

“Know what?” I sigh, trying my best to just keep my cool.

“T’s surfed in Papara, dude!” he exclaims with a chuckle. My mind reels at the fact that he’s already calling her ‘T’ before something more important hits me as I shoot my eyes over to Tanith. She never even told me that she surfs.

“Yeah, well it wasn’t so much ‘surfed’ as it was ‘ate it’,” she laughs. “I’m surprised I didn’t die. I’m pretty sure that I fractured some part of my body by the end of the day from wiping out so much.”

“You never told me you surf,” I go back to the initial topic, still somewhat flabbergasted that I didn’t know that trivial bit of information. I watch her with curious eyes as she just shrugs.

“It never came up.”

“Damn girl, Papara? I heard that the waves over there are insane,” Rachael quips and I know that she’s already impressed. And although a tiny part of me perks up at the seal of approval, I’m still hung up on the fact that I didn’t even know Tanith could surf… and really well might I add.

“Seriously, T,” Trace nods in agreement, “… you must really know how to ride then, huh’?”

“My dad was always big on surfing, especially after my mom died. So I kind of grew up on it,” she nonchalantly explains as my mind draws a blank.

What? Her mom died? Why do I not fucking know this?

“Wait, what?” I ask, my tone getting a little louder. I feel like I don’t even know this fucking girl right now.

She looks at me expectedly, like she’s mentioned it to me in passing a million times. “Yeah, when I was 4.”

My mind spins and I can’t even formulate words to respond. Trace and Rachael are looking at me as if I’d lost my mind, and I feel my muscles tense up again. Why… why do I not know this?

Did she tell me? Did I just forget? Was I not listening? Did I fall asleep?

“I uh, I didn’t know that,” I answer dumbly while trying my best to wrap my head around all this information. This combined with everything that went on this morning is too much and I find myself suddenly feeling overwhelmed.

“Dude, are you okay?” Trace questions as I shake my head.

“Yeah,” I let out as I stand from my chair, “…I’m gonna get some air real quick.”

My strides are hurried as I make my way to the French doors leading into the balcony right outside my suite. I feel myself take a deep breath as I push through the doors and am greeted by the warm sun and fresh air.

Fuck. What is going on with me?

After taking a couple minutes to take some deep breaths and clear my thoughts, I hear the sound of flip-flops and the quiet click of the door being shut. And although I can feel her there, I keep my eyes on the glistening ocean view in front of me.

“Hey…” she greets softly, my back still to her. A few seconds of silence pass between us before she apologizes. “I’m really sorry.”

The words cause me to shift my gaze to my hands that are gripping the railing of the balcony as I shake my head slightly, more to myself than to her. I hear her footsteps coming toward me and from the corner of my eye, I can see her lean against the railing next to me. I know she’s waiting for me to say something, but I don’t even know what I’m thinking right now.

Feeling like I need some distance, I turn around and make my way to the lounge chair seated in the corner of the balcony. As I take a seat, I bring a hand up to rub the back of my head in an attempt to regain some focus and perspective.

“Please say something,” she lets out almost dejectedly. I lick my lips before looking up at her, squinting because the sun is so bright.

“I don’t know what to say, T,” I answer truthfully, shrugging. Her eyes quickly move from mine to the scene of the beach down below.

“Look, I know what I said earlier was really bitchy and maybe even a little bit harsh, but I meant what I said,” she replies softly but firmly.

“I know,” I agree. “But that doesn’t make it okay.”

“I know,” she responds back. “And I apologize if I offended you.”

“And I accept your apology, but that still doesn’t make it okay,” I fight back. I watch as she flips her head back towards me.

“Well, what do you want then, Justin?” she asks with a heavy sigh. “I apologized and you accepted, but that still doesn’t make things okay. So tell me, what do you want?”

“I want to know why I didn’t know you surfed,” I began steadily, “…I want to know why I didn’t know that your mom died. That’s what I want, Tanith.”

“Because those things never came up, Justin!” she answers, annoyed.

“Exactly,” I point out sharply. She narrows her eyes at me and shakes her head furiously.

“What? What do you mean, ‘exactly’?!” My temperature rises as she fails to understand what I’m trying to say.

“You know why I come to you for so much ‘reassurance’, T?” I wait for her to reply but am met with silence and angry eyes. “Because you never come to me.”

“Wha-”

“No,” I cut her off forcefully, pushing myself out of the chair and walking the short distance between us so I can really look at her while I try to make her understand. “You know, you never open up to me. You never tell me about your past or about anything remotely significant in your life. We’ve doing this thing for what? A month now? I’ve been trying really hard to just let it roll and not be too serious about this shit; and yeah, I know we haven’t even been on a fucking date or kissed, but goddammit T, we’re with each other every day!”

I feel myself panting by the end of my tirade as I search her eyes for some type of reaction; but she just shakes her head and looks away.

“I’m not that type of girl, Justin. You know that. I can’t just pour my soul out to you.”

“Why not?” I challenge. It takes a few seconds before her eyes crash back into mine.

“Because I just can’t.”

Before I know what’s happening, she’s walking across the balcony and back into the suite as I’m left alone again. And as I look back to the ocean for some sense of calm and understanding, I suddenly become aware of something that I, or she for that matter, never bothered to recognize...

Maybe she’s the one who needs reassurance.

“Why are you taking his side?” I question with a tired sigh. As much as I miss him, I’m not at all appreciating what he’s been implying for the past half an hour.

“Honey, I’m not taking his side,” he argues back with a chuckle. “… I think you just need to think about it a little; you know, from his perspective.”

“Dad, he’s overreacting! Jesus, he freaked out because he didn’t know I could surf!” I shriek into the phone.

“Tan, maybe he just feels like you’re guarding yourself. You know you tend to do that…” he tries to reason with me gently. “Remember all those times we went for ice cream?”

Even though I know he’s half joking, I can’t help but frown at the memory. When I was little, my dad used to bribe me with ice cream to get me to talk. Whether I had fallen off my bike and gotten hurt or just to ask me how my day was at school, he always had to work for my thoughts and words. My own father had to persuade me to talk.

What does that say about me?

Sure it’s different now; I grew up and realized that he’s the only man that will never judge me, leave me, or hurt me. But with other people, be it a man or a woman, I can’t get deep. I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I grew up without that motherly figure for the majority of my life to teach me how to open up. Maybe it’s a subconscious disconnection thing. Or maybe I just wasn’t born with that affectionate, sensitive gene; but at this point, it doesn’t really matter. I’ve accepted the fact that I’m not like other girls. I can’t cry just to cry and I can’t sit down and have those meaningful heart-to-hearts. It’s just not me.

And that’s what Justin can’t understand.

I mean for a guy, Justin’s so sensitive. And I don’t mean that in a mean or condescending way, but he is. He really loves to let out those emotions and communicate them, and quite ironically, it’s one of things that I really like about him. But when he flips the switch and turns it on me, that’s when I get irritated.

I just can’t do it. I physically, cannot do it.

Of course I want to be able to have those cute, tender moments but it’s not in me. Hell, I rarely have them with my dad. I can’t even fathom the thought of having them with Justin. At least not yet… or maybe even ever, for that matter.

Oh God, what have I gotten myself into?

“I just don’t think he gets it,” I sigh. Silence falls over the line and I practically see my dad sitting on the patio, watching the waves and pursing his lips.

“I just don’t think he gets you, honey,” he breathes out as I look down and pick at my fingernails with my free hand.

“Guess not,” I say, shaking my head slowly to myself, not really knowing how I feel about the situation. I check my watch and clench my jaw as I close my eyes for a brief moment. “I gotta get going…”

“Time for you to bump and grind with the superstar?” he asks and I can hear him smirking.

“DAD!” I yell into the phone with wide eyes, half shocked and half disgusted. “Don’t say stuff like that! It’s gross.”

“Agh, you act like I’ve never seen you perform, Tanny. Don’t think that just because I’m old, I don’t know what goes on over there. A father always knows,” he wisely states and I scoff with a laugh because he’s just so ridiculous.

“Isn’t it a mother who always knows?” I ask, correcting his attempt of a quote.

“Oh, don’t worry… I’m sure your mother knows, too. I’m sure she looks down on you and smiles proudly at the fact her daughter is half naked on a stage in front of thousands of people, dirty dancing with some sex-driven musician.”

“Gee, thanks dad,” I sarcastically reply. I know he’s completely joking and that he really is proud of me, but he always puts in his two cents about my “career choice” when he gets the chance. I think it’s a parental thing.

“Alright, honey. Well, get down tonight… or however the hell you kids say it these days,” he sighs.

“Dad, do me a favor?” I ask meekly.

“What, Tanny?”

“Do not ever, say anything like that again,” I firmly push out. He chuckles loudly over the line and I find myself smiling gently. I miss him.

“Have a good show and think about what I said, okay?”

“Thanks, and I will. Bye, daddy,” I sign off tenderly, knowing that he loves it when I call him ‘daddy’ because it reminds him of mom.

“Bye, Tanny,” he gets out before I hit the end button. Giving my phone one last glance before pushing myself up off the steps of the bus, I make my way back into the arena to get ready for tonight’s show.

As I make my way through the door and into the spacious building, I smile silently as I pass by some of the crew setting up and double-checking wires and microphones and lights. Making my way into the hallway leading to all the dressing rooms, I hear my name being called out behind me.

“T! Wait up!” I stop mid-step and look back to see Trace jogging towards me. I smile tightly at him, not really wanting to talk considering all the shit that went down this afternoon that I’m sure Justin filled him in on after I rushed out on them.

“Hey girl,” he drawls out when he reaches me. I offer him a smile and start moving again.

“Hey, what’s up?” I ask naturally, shooting him a glance. I see him shrug his shoulders and stick his hands in his pockets. The action reminds me of Justin and I fight the urge to let out a small laugh. God, they could be twins if they didn’t look like complete opposites.

“Nothing. Justin’s getting ready for sound-check and I’m bored,” he sighs. I narrow my eyes at him as we continue to make our way down the long hall.

“Where’s Rachael?” I ask curiously.

“Off somewhere, glued to her cell and laptop doing stuff for work,” he responds, disinterested. I feel him hesitate before continuing. “So hey, are you alright?”

I fight the urge to roll my eyes and quickly nod at his question. It’s not that I don’t like Trace, but I’m just really not in the mood for this. “Yeah. Why?”

“Naw, you just- I don’t know, you left kinda quick after you went out and talked to J. I thought maybe he’d said something to piss you off or something,” he explains and my attitude slightly shifts. Is he… is he taking my side?

“No, he didn’t piss me off,” I start as we round the corner into another long hallway and I give my words a second thought. “…okay, maybe he pissed me off a little; but I just wanted to get out of there before I said something that I’d regret. And plus, I didn’t want to be rude.”

“Eh’, it’s hard to be rude to me and Rach” Trace nonchalantly states and I have to laugh.

“Yeah, well I’m sure you guys didn’t fly all the way out here to sit in Justin’s room all awkward and shit while he sits there and pouts.”

“Trust me, it wouldn’t have been the first time,” Trace laughs as we reach the dressing room and we both stop short of the door.

“Why am I not surprised,” I laugh back lightly. An uncomfortable silence falls between us before Trace breaks it.

“He pushes a lot,” he let’s out in a tone that sounds way too serious for him. My eyes crinkle in confusion and I shake my head slightly as Trace sighs. “He’s stubborn like that… always wants things his way on his time.”

“Yeah, I’ve noticed,” I try to joke, hoping to ease some of the seriousness of the conversation; but Trace doesn’t let up.

“Just, cut him some slack, alright? He’s a good guy,” he smiles weakly. God, he really is his best friend. I bite my lip before pursing my lips in a small smile and nodding.

“I’ll try.”

Trace smiles back at me before reaching out for one of my hands and giving it a small squeeze. “Thanks, T.”

I watch as he releases my hand and turns to walk back down the hall in the opposite direction. I try to piece together what just happened and if Justin maybe had something to do with this little conversation, but I quickly rule that out when I think back to what Trace said. Justin would never admit to being stubborn.

“Tanith! Where have you been?! Wardrobe! Now!” I hear Dana yell frantically to me as she pushes me into the dressing room; and suddenly I remember that I have to put on a show in front of thousands of people, with total disregard of all the drama that ensued earlier today.

This should be fun.

---

This sucks. This absolutely, fucking sucks.

I’m working my ass off to do my routines as naturally as possible, but I just can’t focus. And even though I know the audience can’t tell, I know I’m off. It’s not that I’m missing steps or anything, but I just feel off. I’m not moving like I want to, my internal beat isn’t what it usually is, and I can’t help but notice that he keeps looking and glancing at me every damn chance he gets.

It’s usually either between songs or when we’re walking towards each other or whenever I touch him in any way, but he’s giving me these looks… these intense eyes that are just screaming, ‘I don’t understand you’ or ‘Why won’t you let me in’. It’s like he’s trying to communicate with me without talking.

Fuck, maybe I’m just paranoid. I don’t know. Either way, it’s throwing me off and I don’t like it.

As I make my way through the little makeshift tunnel leading to the stage, I try to brush off my irritation and regain some concentration. I hear the second verse of My Love approaching and I roll my shoulders and neck one last time as I hear my cue.

“Drop.That Shit. Right…"

I hop up the stairs as I hear Justin yell the transition into the song and suddenly I’m up under the bright lights, falling into my routine. The loud music triggers a familiar feeling in my body but before I can get too comfortable, I feel a strong hand grab my hip and swing me to my side. I’m thrown off for a second, but I fall right back into it when I realize that I’m dancing face to face with Justin.

"Now, if I wrote you a love note
And made you smile with every word I wrote (what would you do?)
Would that make you want to change your scene
And wanna be the one on my team (tell me, would you?)
See, what's the point of waiting anymore?
Cause girl I've never been more sure (that baby, it's you)
This ring here represents my heart
And everything that you've been waiting for (just say "I do")

As I continue with the routine, a little disoriented by my change of direction, I stare at him with wide eyes wondering the fuck he’s trying to pull in front of all these people. He gives me a look before spinning around and walking to the center of the stage to do his routine with the guys as I make my way to the side of the stage with the other girls.

Caylee gives me a quick, questioning look and I shake my head at her with a forced smile as I start my series of moves. Trying my best to regain composure, I keep on dancing as the words really begin to pierce my ears.

Yeah, because
I can see us holding hands
Walking on the beach, our toes in the sand
I can see us on the countryside
Sitting on the grass, laying side by side
You could be my baby, let me make you my lady
Girl, you amaze me
Ain't gotta do nothing crazy
See, all I want you to do is be my love
(So don't give away) My love
(So don't give away) My love
(So don't give away) Ain't another woman that can take your spot, my love
(So don't give away) My love
(So don't give away) My love
(So don't give away) Ain't another woman that can take your spot, my love

Ooooh, girl
My love
My love

The music verves off as Justin moves into his solo dance break, and I watch him as best I can while keeping up with my own choreography. And even though I’m on the side of the stage, beneath the dark lights, I can feel his eyes on me. My thoughts run a mile a minute as I try to grasp what’s happening right here on stage.

When the music cues back into the song, we meet in the middle of the stage and as Justin sings, he swings me back towards his way again, giving me a deep look… as if he were asking me to really listen because what he’s saying means something.

And suddenly, a new feeling hits me. Something strong but soft; and I can’t help but look back silently into his eyes as I smooth a hand over his chest and stop right over his heart.

I stare at him intently while still being mindful that I have to look natural and that this is actually part of the routine. And while a part of me wants to run off stage, another part of me itches to just reach up and grab his face and lay a deep, hard kiss in front of all these fucking people.

And I almost do it, but he breaks away as he starts to sing the chorus one last time.

I can see us holding hands
Walking on the beach, our toes in the sand
I can see us on the countryside
Sitting on the grass, laying side by side
You could be my baby, let me make you my lady
Girl, you amaze me
Ain't gotta do nothing crazy
See, all I want you to do is be my love
(Love) My love
(Love) My love
(Love) Ain't another woman that can take your spot, my love
(Love) My love
(Love) My love
(Love) Ain't another woman that can take your spot, my love

His smoldering gaze continues to penetrate my body as he turns me towards the audience and wraps an arm around me as we start to dance together as if we were at the club, just the two of us. And even though I know that this is wrong on some level, I can’t help but fall back against him a little bit and move with him. My skin tingles as his body presses against mine while he sings into the microphone, and I can feel the tip of his lips graze my ear. Though his words resound harshly and loudly over throughout the arena, they feel soft and tender in my ear. Like they’re meant just for me.

Ooooh, girl
My love
My love

Looveeeee, yeaaahhhh…”

As the song comes to an end, I reluctantly breakaway from Justin as he gives me one last look and I lick my lips, waving to the audience before disappearing back underneath the stage; and for some reason, instead of coming down from my performance, I feel like I’m on a high. Because for a second, I think I just felt a spark of something deep.

And for the first time in my life, I feel myself starting to crack.

I need to get out of this… fast.

“So, Tanith…” I hear Trey trail off playfully towards me. Fucking hell. My eyes unwillingly glide over to Trey’s as he wiggles his eyebrows at me suggestively.

“Pass,” I respond quickly, taking a quick swig of the Corona in my hand as I bring my legs up onto the couch and against my chest so I’m balled up. Hopefully this position will send out the message that I really don’t want to answer the damn question.

“Pass?!” Caylee squeals. “Oh, c’mon Tan-Tan! Tell us!”

“Oh, you know it had to be freaky if she doesn’t even wanna say!” Trey laughs out, reaching over the small distance between us to slap at my folded legs. I roll my eyes at him as I flip him off.

“Yeah, I could see T being a freak in the sheets… you’re kinky, aren’t you T?” Marty presses. I feel my face flush and keep my eyes glued to my knees, and when I don’t answer, everyone starts howling and letting out catcalls. “You are! T’s fff-fff-ffffreaakky!”

I lick my lips and shake my head in slight mortification before taking another drink of my beer. Good God, could this get any worse?

“Whoa, whoa, whoa! Who’s freaky?!” Justin inquires excitedly, making his presence known on the bus.

Goddammit, fucking motherfucker shit.

“T’s got some kinky shit that she doesn’t want us to know about, man!” Trey calls me out and I groan loudly, wrapping my arms around my legs to bring them tighter against my body as I press my head into my knees so no one can see my strawberry red face.

“Realllyyy now?” I hear Justin curiously ask, not even having to look to see that smug little smirk on his face. A thought runs through me and my head snaps up in defense.

“Oh please, you know it wasn’t with you.” I see Justin’s face flush in mild shock and embarrassment for a quick moment when everyone starts ‘ooh-ing’ and ‘ah-ing’, and I grin in small victory.

“Damn J, T just called you OUT man!” Marty laughs, giving him a slight shove and Justin sways slightly from the force before a challenging look comes over his features.

“Who then?” he simply asks and my silly little smile falters.

“What?”

“Who were you kink’ing it up with, T?” Justin asks, folding his arms and leaning against the small counter behind him, that mischievous smirk reappearing. I grit my teeth at him and raise my eyebrow.

“None of your business,” I bite back in response.

“Girl, you don’t have to tell us who! Just give us the details!” Caylee argues and I turn my head to her slowly and give her a pressing look because she’s obviously not helping the situation.

I don’t know how or when 20 Questions became a game of What’s-The-Best-Sex-You’ve-Ever-Had. Probably somewhere between what has already been a long-ass of a bus ride and the fact that we’re not even stopping anytime soon. Not that the ride from Los Angeles to Texas is drastic, but I think everyone’s just starting to feel the wear and tear of being on the road. So Trey and Caylee suggested to ease the time by having a couple drinks and playing stupid games… some kind of “get to know each other better” bullshit. We only spend every waking minute together, but I guess that’s not quite enough time to get to know each other.

“I said pass,” I shrug, taking another gulp of my beer. Everyone’s eyes continue to focus on me as if I were to magically change my mind and answer the question.

“C’mon, T… I wanna know what kind of shit you’re into,” Ryan winks at me. My eyes grow wide as everyone bursts into laughter because out of all the dancers, Ryan’s the quietest…and I don’t think anyone expected him to say something so bold or so crass.

“Shit man, even Ry’s interested!” Frankie chuckles while giving Ryan a high-five. “Now you have to tell us, T.”

“Do you want me to break your legs so you can never dance again, pretty boy?” I challenge. He throws me a look and laughs.

“Ohh, kitty likes to scratch…” I shake my head with a smile before casting a quick glance to Justin who’s been relatively quiet. Our eyes meet for a second before a voice catches my attention.

“She’s never done it.”

It takes a second for the words to process in my brain because I can’t believe she actually had the gall to say them. My gaze locks on Morgan, who has taken it upon herself to answer the question for me and I start to feel my blood simmer.

“Excuse me?” I ask, hoping that my voice is steady enough to come off as if I’m not about to reach over and strangle the bitch.

“You’re a virgin, aren’t you?” she smirks at me, twisting her hair around her finger. My fingers clench around my Corona and I’m pretty sure I’m right on the verge of breaking the damn bottle.

“Dude, T is not a virgin!” Trey yells out. Morgan’s gaze doesn’t move from mine, her smile only growing bigger.

“Are you a virgin, Tanith?” she asks bluntly, in front of everyone. I feel the tension in the room escalate so that the only thing can be heard it the soft hum of the engine. Everyone’s holding their breath, waiting on pins and needles. The silence starts to dwell on me and after a good minute, I decide now is a better time than any.

Fuck it.

“You know what?” I start, unfolding my legs and sitting up straight, slamming my beer onto the table and causing everyone to jump a little. “Yeah, I am.”

Silence continues to bloom over the atmosphere as I take in everyone’s shocked reaction… except for Justin’s. I refuse to look at him. I mean, it’s enough that I’m actually admitting this to a group of people on a fucking tour bus in the middle of nowhere with no place to run to or hide; much less all the while having to admit it to a guy I’m starting to have real feelings for.

“Wait, you’re joking… right?” Trey laughs awkwardly, breaking the silence.

“Yeah, T. Are you fucking with us?” Frankie tries to join in.

“No, I’m not,” I let out easily, letting out a sigh before I continue. “I’ve never had sex on a plane, in a car, or in the bathroom at some club, or on a fucking rollercoaster. I’ve never had slow sex, fast sex, rough sex, kinky sex. I’ve never, had sex… period.”

The deafening silence returns as everyone kind of just filters their eyes throughout the room, trying to quietly communicate to each other in hopes that I don’t notice or much worse, freak out. It’s almost as if they’d never heard the word “virgin” before. I mean, I guess all things considered, being a 25-year-old virgin these days isn’t necessarily the trend and I can’t blame them for being surprised. And don’t get me wrong, it’s not as though I haven’t had the temptation or haven’t had any sexual experiences… I just haven’t quite exactly gone all the way.

I almost want to laugh at how big of a deal they’re all making this out to be, but my brain keeps coming back to Justin.

It’s not that I’m particularly worried that it’s going to affect his opinion of me because I’m proud of the decisions I’ve made about sex and I know that Justin’s not that kind of person; but I’m not stupid. I know the guy’s probably had plenty of ass throughout the short span of his life… but I can’t help but wonder how and if this little revelation will affect whatever it is that we have going on between us. I know that Justin doesn’t expect anything of me and vice versa, and I know that our relationship isn’t remotely close to factoring in the complex idea of sex. I mean hell, we’re not even official or exclusive… but I just can’t help wondering how this is going to impact things.

The saddest part about all this? We still haven’t kissed.

Here I am admitting my sex woes, or lack thereof, and we have yet to commit one of the first acts of physical intimacy. I think that it’s just gotten to the point where we’ve waited too damn long to do it and now we’ve stalled into some kind of non-kissing purgatory. Although I can’t say that I’m surprised, considering our relationship has been a bitch to jump-start since the beginning.

I hear someone clear their throat and I break away from my thoughts. My eyes follow the sound and land on Justin, and the look on his face is unreadable. I feel myself start to get uneasy until a voice rings out.

“Well shit T, props to you girl!” Trey laughs with his eyebrows raised, the tension in the small area starting to drain.

“Yeah, for real,” Marty chimes in, “… there ain’t a lot of girls like you left.”

“Thanks,” I smile to the both of them. I look to my left to see Caylee still gawking at me and I can’t help but laugh. “You okay?”

“I just… I can’t believe it!” she shakes her head furiously at me. “You’re so…”

“I’m so what?” I smirk at her, enjoying how flustered she’s getting over this. She holds her breath as she searches for words, flailing her hands all around her face.

“Sassy!” she finally shrieks. “You’re like, the sassiest person ever! And you haven’t had SEX!”

Everyone laughs loudly at her outburst and I pat her thigh, “I think everyone’s well aware of that now, Cay. But thanks for reiterating it so eloquently for me.”

“Seriously T, even I’ve done the dirty,” Ryan jokes, and I narrow my eyes at him with a smile because I know he’s teasing me. I’m sure everyone’s going to be teasing me by the end of the day and throughout the rest of the damn tour.

My eyes flicker to Justin who’s staring at me intently, and I don’t know why but a tingle of uncertainty shoots down my spine. I feel the bus slow to a stop and I silently thank God for the little break I know I’m about to get.

“Alright kids,” I hear Alan yell from the front of the bus, “…we’re gassing up!”

Sighs of relief can be heard all around and little outbursts of excitement can be felt as people start to file out of the cramped space and off the bus. As I move to get up from the couch, Morgan brushes her way past me and I give her a tight smile. I don’t know what her objective was when she called me out earlier, but I feel a sense of triumph when she glares back at me.

“Damn, her plan must’ve backfired,” I hear Justin playfully joke as he stares at me from the spot he’s been in for the past 20 minutes, his arms still folded, legs crossed, casually leaning against the counter. I stretch my arms over my head and grin at him.

“Yeah, I don’t think she expected a comeback like that.” Justin chuckles and continues to stare at me as I shove my hands into my hoodie.

“Wanna walk?” he asks, nudging his head toward the front of the bus. I silently nod my head and make my way towards the door. I hop down the stairs and close my eyes for a brief moment, appreciating the smell and the feel of open air. A couple seconds later, Justin’s hand is on the small of my back and I open my eyes to see him smiling at me. I offer a small smile back as we start to walk towards the small park next to the gas station.

“So…” he starts and I lift my head to give him a bored expression.

“That’s how you’re starting this conversation?” Justin laughs softly, shoving his hands into his pockets of his sweatpants.

“Cut me some slack here, T… I’ve never had to have a talk like this before.”

“What, you’ve never talked about sex before?” I toy with him and he gives me a cocky look back.

“No, it’s the not having sex part that’s throwing me off.”

“Ah, I see,” I laugh back. “… well, there’s a first time for everything.”

“Apparently,” Justin states more seriously as we stop short of a picnic table. I hoist myself up onto the side of the table so my legs can dangle off the edge, and I sigh as Justin moves closer to stand between them.

“Look, if it makes you feel uncomfortable or weird or whatever, I understand,” I let out quickly, my eyes focusing on anything but him.

“Tanith, I’m not gonna lie,” he chuckles lightly, “… it’s not an easy situation for me.”

“Okay, well then that’s that,” I shrug nonchalantly, trying hard to disregard the small feeling of dejection coursing through my veins. I hear Justin sigh as he looks away and over my shoulder.

“C’mon, don’t do that.”

“What?” I ask stupidly. He shakes his head before meeting my gaze.

“Don’t play dumb either, T,” he firmly presses and I slide my tongue over my teeth in faint frustration.

“What do you want me to say, Justin?” I ask, my eyes piercing into his as much as they can in the dark of the night. “I’m a virgin. You’re not. The end.”

I watch him sigh heavily as he brings a hand up to rub over the back of his head and I know he’s starting to get impatient with me. But what am I supposed to do? Tell him how great it would be to fuck him but I can’t because I’m not ready and I don't know when I will be ready? I don’t think so.

“Look, Tanith,” he starts, “...yeah, I’m not a virgin. And yeah, forgive me if I was a little fucking shocked to find out that you were. But Jesus, do you really think that’s what I’m concerned with right now?”

I shrug my shoulders like an idiot because I don’t know how else to respond. I swallow hard when Justin steps in closer and rests his hands on my thighs.

“Sex isn’t what I wanted from you in the beginning, T,” he continues softly, “… and it’s not all I want in the end either.”

As the words leave his lips, I see the sincerity in his eyes and I push myself to be rational. I force myself to be realistic because I know that if I don’t, it’s going to end up fucking us over somewhere down the road. I may be a virgin, but I know that sex is a big component in a relationship.

“It’s just not that simple, J,” I let out, slipping my hands out of my hoodie to rub them over my tired face. “God, I don’t even know why we’re talking about this!”

“We’re talking about this because it’s important,” Justin replies softly, taking my hands from my face into his much larger ones. I shake my head and give a spiteful laugh.

“Important?” I ask in mocking tone. “We haven’t even fucking kissed, Justin. Fuck, we’re not even together!”

My palms slap onto the table next to my legs as I curl my fingers around the edge to gain some kind of stability. This conversation and the fact that we’re even having it is beyond me, and I’m fighting every urge not to just brush him off and walk away because I know that he’s really trying. And ever since the show in Miami, I’ve been trying too…really, I have.

My eyes slowly move back to his and I can almost see him pleading with me, begging me to let him get just one foot in the door. The moon is casting a soft glow on his features and I swear I can see his bright blue eyes sparkling even in the midst of the dark night. I shiver when he moves forward and runs his hands up my thighs and to my sides until he finally reaches up to cup my face so that we’re only inches apart.

And I know it’s about to happen... it's finally about to happen.

I watch as he leans forward and nudges his nose with mine, his eyes now dancing in the moonlight as he continues to keep them focused on me. I smile a little bit at the action and can feel his warm breath tenderly blowing against my mouth. My hands clench against the table and my eyelids start to flutter shut when he grazes his soft lips against mine, not putting any pressure but just touching, taking his time.

His thumbs sweep gently over my cheekbones as he tilts my head ever so slightly before resting his forehead against mine. My breathing is coming in short breaths and I literally want to burst out of my body, but I wait. I wait because it’s been so long and I know it’s going to be so good… I know that it’s going to be a big step.

When I feel like I can’t take it anymore, I feel Justin’s lips start to curve around mine and I fucking brace myself because we’re so close. This is it…

“YO! Guys we gotta go!”

I feel Justin freeze… and it takes everything in me not to scream out in anguish. Of. Fucking. Course.

My eyes pop open to see Justin’s squeezed shut in frustration, his forehead still resting against mine but his hands no longer cupping my face. I can hear Marty yelling for us in the distance but my ears can barely make out what he’s saying. I jump when I feel Justin’s fist knock against the wood of the picnic table and I resist the urge to break the fucking table in half myself.

I watch him open his eyes slowly and I bite the inside of my cheek to keep my eyes from watering. When he pulls back to look at me I know that he knows we just lost a big moment. He sighs deeply and his eyebrows knit in disappointment.

“T…” he tries to reason with me, but I will it away. I lick my lips and press them tightly together… and like clockwork, my natural instincts, the ones I’ve been trying so hard to suppress, automatically kick in.

“Let’s just go.”

And just like that, it’s another step forward and another two back.

“Dude, are you fucking serious?” Trace gawks while laughing at me. I resist the urge to punch his fucking lights out as I pinch the bridge of my nose to relieve some tension building up in my head.

“Yeah, I am… and it doesn’t fucking help when you’re sitting there laughing at me, asshole.”

“Aw, c’mon man!” he brushes me off, slouching further into the couch and adjusting his jeans. “It’s not that big a deal. Stop stressing.”

“‘Not a big deal’,” I mock at his words, running my hands over my tired face and sighing before I continue. “… this shit’s fucked.”

And it’s been fucked the second we loaded off our buses in Houston. I was hoping that the tension would blow over after a couple days of avoiding each other but no dice. Eight days and four shows have come and gone, each one more awkward than the last.

Shit has officially hit the fan.

I really don’t know how I lasted this long without bitching to Trace or Rachael, but I guess if I’m honest with myself—I’m sort of embarrassed. Not because I couldn’t “close the deal” but because it hurt. I know how much that moment meant to the Tanith and me, how it could have shifted our relationship. And just like that, it got ripped out of our hands. It just felt so unfair.

And the frustration has been eating me alive.

So when Trace called me up to tell me he’d be in town for some William Rast business, I knew I had to spill.

“I don’t know what to tell you, J… maybe your game’s slippin’, man,” he chuckles as I slam my head onto the back of the couch. A few contemplative moments pass between us before Trace breaks the silence. “I would have fucking killed Marty if I were you.”

Leave it to Trace to state the obvious. “Thanks, Captain fucking obvious.”

“Look,” he starts off with a sigh, probably already annoyed by all my whining; but I don’t give a fuck because I’m frustrated as hell. “It seems like that it’s just always bad timing with you guys. If you’re serious about her then you need to set aside a certain time to get it all out there. Stop piddling around, man! Just do the damn thing!”

I raise my eyebrows with a smirk and roll my head toward Trace. “’Piddling’? Dude…”

“Well that’s what you’re fucking doing! And I’m telling you straight up, T may be a patient person but NO girl is that patient.”

I roll my head back towards the ceiling because I know Trace is right and I have to somehow find a way to wrap my head around this whole thing. No doubt, I want to be with Tanith. That’s not a question. But didn’t I say I would just let things happen? That I would just let things take care of themselves when it came to all this relationship shit?

Fuck it.

I know I wanted to take things slow but this has just gone on far too long. It’s time to put this shit in fucking motion.

“Alright, that’s it,” I decide, slapping my hands onto my thighs as I catapult myself into an upright sitting position. “I’m taking this bull by the horns and laying down some solid groundwork.”

“Awww, damn! Shit’s about to get real!” Trace exclaims, a wide smile spreading over his face. And when I see how excited he gets over the fact that I’m about to quit being such a pussy, I start to get excited too.

“Whatddya’ got in mind, bro?”

I really don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do. I mean, shit—I haven’t had to turn on the Timberlake charm in God knows how long. I don’t even know what I’m about to get myself into, but I do know that I’m ready to do whatever it takes to get this thing between me and Tanith off the goddamn ground.

“Shit man, I don’t know. Dinner?” I squint at Trace, only to see a look of disdain on his face.

“’Dinner’?” he mocks with a look of disgust and I feel myself shrink in my seat a little bit. Man, I must be off my game. “Dude, if that’s the kind of groundwork you’re thinkin’ about laying I gotta tell you straight up… you’re fucked.”

“Ugghh!” I groan loudly, slamming my back against the couch in frustration and throwing my arms over my face. “I know, man. I know its gotta be big. I just—shit, how am I supposed to pull some big shebang off while touring? I haven’t had to figure out shit like this in years!”

“Geez, J,” I hear Trace laugh, “I’m having a goddamn ball right now seeing you struggle with girl problems, son.”

“Fuck you, Trace,” I breathe out, fighting the urge to laugh along with him. In retrospect, this does seem a little ridiculous. It’s usually Trace who’s freaking over the girl shit with me sitting back and having the laughs. Man, how the times have changed.

“But seriously,” I ease out, bringing my arms down and away from my face to give Trace a pleading look. I’m really at a fucking loss here. “You got anything?”

Trace shrugs at me. Great. The one time I really need some damn advice and this kid can’t offer me one good idea. “C’mon man, you don’t need me to figure this out for you. You just gotta brush the dust off your playbook and use that big-ass head of yours. You’ll work it out.”

“Thanks for the pep talk, Trace,” I respond dryly. While I appreciate the faith he has in me, what I could really use are some suggestions. I sigh, realizing it’s time for me to start getting ready for the show. “Alright man, well I gotta get ready.”

Trace hops up off the couch and gives me a slap on the shoulder before making his way toward the door. “Have a good show, man. Try not to jizz all over the stage while you’re dancing with T.”

“You’re fucking sick, dude,” I cringe out with a laugh. Trace holds his hands up in mock defense as he skips out the room and I’m suddenly left alone with my thoughts; and it only takes a second until my mind starts churning about my big “date” with Tanith.

I really have no clue where to even start. I feel like I should go the formal route and plan out some extravagant night out—flowers, candlelit dinner, maybe a little dancing. But then again knowing Tanith, a simple and casual night in is something that she’d probably be more comfortable with. I mean, it’d sure as hell be easier.

Then it hits me… Nashville. Home. With all the shit that’s been going on and my head all tied up in this drama, I completely forgot about the fact that our next show is in Tennessee.

And just like that, I have a plan.

---

Another show, another day.

That’s all it’s been for the past week. No Justin. I mean, don’t get me wrong—I haven’t neglected my job or have been unprofessional in any way; but we’ve managed to keep our distance.

What happened last week… it was too much.

I should have expected it though. Of course something like that would have happened. So now it's... whatever. I'm doing my best to shake it all off; and knowing me, it's working. Only downside is that while my brain is convincing me that I'm fine, there's something else nagging at me. And that something is everyone else on this damn tour.

I might be emotionally unavailable but I’m sure as hell not stupid; and I know that everyone is well aware of the fact that something is going on. I mean, nobody’s giving me weird stares or murmuring to each other when I walk by or anything like that; but the vibe is definitely there. Luckily, a lot of the crew has worked for Justin in the past and are good people. They respect Justin enough to know that while they might not have to cover their ears, they will cover their mouths.

The other dancers have been pretty good about avoiding the subject matter as well. Shit, even Morgan has managed to keep her big-ass mouth shut. And Caylee’s been really sweet about it. I tried to brush it off when I got back on the bus that night, but by the look she was giving me I knew she’d seen the whole thing. She didn’t push or prod, but simply gave me a hug and said, “Fuck Marty”. I smiled.

So here we are in Chicago another week later and chugging along. I actually caught Trace on his way in earlier in the morning and we had a quick conversation. Judging from the way he was acting, I don’t think he knew a thing about what had happened. Then again, he could just be a great fucking actor. Either way, I’m not really caring at the moment because we’ve just finished another show and that means a good seven to eight hours’ bus ride worth of rest into the next city.

“Jesus, did you guys see that girl in VIP tonight?! I swear I could see her vulva through that short ass skirt she had on!” I cringe with a smile as the guys roll with laughter.

“You are nasty, Trey,” I give him a slight push as we maneuver our way back to the dancers bus.

“What?! You know she was askin’ for it!” he pushes back and I just shake my head. As the boys continue their perverted banter, I slow my stride a little for some peace and quiet. I feel an arm loop into mine and turn my head to find Caylee smiling cheerily at me. I let out a breathy giggle and smile back at her.

“What’s with the smile, Cay?” I watch as she purses her lips and tilts her head in playful thought.

“Oh, ya’ know—I was just thinking…” I raise an eyebrow at her vagueness and decide to bite.

“…about?”

“The next show.” Her statement catches me off guard and I’m instantly curious.

“Next show? What about the next show?” Caylee stops in her tracks and the pause causes me to stumble back a little. “Whoa-! Caylee, what’re you doing?!”

Before I know it, I’m being spun around to face her as she grabs my upper-arms. She lifts her eyebrows at me and gives me a look like I’m already supposed to know what she’s about to tell me. “Uhm, HELLO? Nashville?!”

I glance my eyes to the left and try to think why that would be of any significance to me. With nothing coming to mind, I meet Caylee’s bug eyed face once more. “Okayyy… what about Nashville?”

I watch as she releases my arms and holds her hands up in disbelief. “Please tell me you’re joking.”

“Caylee, what the hell are you talking about?! What about Nashville?! WHAT?!” I yell out a little louder than I intended. Caylee harshly shushes me and leans in like we’re about to do a drug deal or something.

“Tennessee. Nashville, Tennessee? …Justin’s hometown?”

I watch as Caylee stares at me expectantly and I stare back for a moment before reacting.

“So?” She lets out a loud growl and I have to laugh at her annoyance and how big a deal she’s making this out to be.

Of course I know that our next show is in Nashville. And yes, it is sort of this thrill-filled event considering that we’ll be in Justin’s hometown. Sure his old friends will probably be there, some of his family-- but that’s all it is. Just another show in another town. Nothing more.

“Alright, fine Tan-Tan,” Caylee lets out unwillingly, "…if you wanna act like it’s nothing, fine. But just remember that when your stone cold heart starts to defrost and you finally realize that some things are worth a having a reaction over—I better be the FIRST person you call.”

I let out a loud laugh and swing my arm around her tightly. “Done.”

“Good,” she beams back at me. As we start to walk again, I suddenly hear my name echoing in the hallway.

“Tanith! Hold up!” For a second I think about ignoring it altogether but I know that with Caylee there it would be impossible.

Fuck.

“Please help me?” With a bored look, Caylee tsk’s at me with a wicked smile before jogging away.

“Karma’s a bitch, Tan-Tan!” I listen as her laugh fades away quickly and is replaced by a much deeper voice.

“T!” I close my eyes and let out a quick, deep breath to brace myself before turning around toward the voice that’s calling out to me. I open my eyes just in time to see Justin jog a couple steps up to me.

“Hey,” I let out easily, “—what’s up?”

Justin’s eyes crash into mine and he lets out a breath of air. “Uh, I’m glad I caught you. I was sprinting down those hallways hoping your bus hadn’t left yet. This place is like a fucking maze…”

“Yeah…” I ease out. This awkwardness is almost unbearable and for a minute, I wish I was in goddamn maze just so I wouldn’t have to endure what I know will be a very uncomfortable conversation. I watch Justin clear his throat.

“So Trace told me you guys ran into each other this morning?” he asks meekly and I lower my eyes at him a little bit in confusion. Seriously? After a week of silence, this kid is trying to make small talk with me in the middle of some random arena in Chicago?

“Uhm, yeah. For like, a minute or two.”

“Oh, okay. Cool.” A couple moments of silence pass and I can’t bear it any longer.

“Alright, well is that it?” I ask quickly and even a little harshly. This is fucking ridiculous. “…cause the bus is probably about to leave so I shou-”

“Ride with me.”

As soon as the words leave his lips, my mind goes blank and a wave of shock jars my body. I don’t even know how long we stand there in silence before I recover.

“What?” I rasp out. Justin’s eyes nervously shift from my face to the floor as he brings a hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose.

“I’m sorry,” he shakes his head, more at himself than at me. “I, uh… I didn’t mean to- I didn’t mean to just spit it out like that. I don’t know- I’m just, I…”

I watch as he stumbles over his words, more amused than I probably should be. I feel bad. “It’s okay. You just, caught me a little off guard.”

“We gotta talk about this, T,” his tone suddenly turns serious and the discomfort starts to creep up as quickly as it faded. I reach somewhere within me to shrug it all off.

“You know what…I really don’t want to do this, okay? So please, jus-” I try to reason, taking a step forward to move around him and trying my best to make a quick getaway from this precarious situation.

“No,” he forcefully lets out, taking a step as well to block my path. “I’m not letting you walk away this time, Tanith.”

His firmness stuns me. But the thought of spending eight hours alone with Justin on a bus gives me the courage to push back. “Justin, just let it go, alright? What’s done is done. So please, let’s jus-”

“Stop doing that!” he interjects and I jump in surprise. Justin clenches his jaw and I know he’s frustrated as fuck with me and I feel a part of me sink. “…look, I know that what happened that night was really shitty. I know it fucked with stuff but I want us to get back on track, T. So please—will you just get on the bus and at least try?”

With the way he's looking at me and the sincerity in his voice, it’s taking all of my will power not to bolt. This is just too much. I take a deep breath in futile hopes of calming my wracked nerves. And while it kills me to admit this… I’m scared shitless right now.

I hate myself for being this affected by him.

I feel Justin take a step forward closing whatever little distance we had between us to begin with, and it’s so quiet that I’m almost sure I can hear my own heart beating out of my fucking chest. I want so badly to just run from the fear and discomfort; but then I feel his index finger hook onto my pinky and his lips suddenly graze the side of my forehead, just above my brow as he quietly whispers, “Please, Tanith.”

I let out a deep sigh and squeeze my eyes shut in pain because I know he’s begging. Begging me to let him in. Begging me to just fucking try.

I know that if I get on that bus, I have to talk. I mean, really talk. And I’m terrified of what I might say—because I know that the second I open up, there’s no turning back. But before I can even think twice, I feel the one word my entire body is fighting not to say fall out between my lips.

“Okay.”