Last night was something else, never did I think I’d do what I did but I don’t regret it. As I poured two cups of coffee I put some creamer and sugar in a bowl and headed up stairs.

Walking in his slippers and button up white shirt I felt a little silly but I guess it worked.

I watched him as he woke up as he pulled at my side of the bed and than looked at it with a sigh thinking I was gone.

“Did you think I left without saying good bye,” I questioned as I leaned as much as I could on the door frame making him look up at me with a smile.

“Come here,” he said and I did so he took the one coffee from me and bowl of sugar and creamer placing the bowl on the bed he took a sip of his black coffee making me grimace.

“I don’t understand how you can how you can drink it straight like that,” I said and he smiled and kissed my cheek as I opened some creamers and sugar packs and dumped them in my coffee mug.

“And I cant stand how much stuff you put in it,” he said with a grimace of his own when I stirred in at least three creamers and five packets of sugar.

“You don’t have peppermint or soy,” I said and he smiled.

“We need to go to the store what can I say,” he asked me.

I shrugged and giggled when he started to kiss my neck, “How bout I make some pancakes,” he asked.

“I’ll make some eggs,” I said.

“Sounds wonderful,” he told me as we go out of bed.

I stopped for a moment as a feeling came over me, “Isn’t this moving a little too fast,” I asked myself at how easily we went into making breakfast and hanging out, last night had been a one night thing hadn’t it,” I questioned myself.

“You ok,” He asked me coming over to me.

“Yea just a little head rush,” I said but that wasn’t all. My head was sore since I woke up this morning but I had thought it was because well I did go out drinking right,” I said to myself.

“Let me go wake up Logan, he can help,” JC smiled as he pulled on a shirt and some sweats.

“Logan,” I questioned and looked at him.

“Yeah our son,” he said with a smile and looked up at him like a deer caught in headlights.

“Our what,” I questioned and saw him look at me.

“Rachel,” he questioned as I stepped back and dropped my coffee when I heard the voice and the sound of the feet coming down the hall.

“Mommy,” he yelled as he lunged at me in a hug and I did what I though I had to do and hugged him back dropping to the floor at the added pressure of him and leaned against the balcony wall of the upstairs hall.

Looking at JC with tears in my eyes I saw him look at me with question still on his face.

We had a son we had a life, we had a marriage I gasped softly as I hugged the boy in my arms looking at my ring, and trying to listen to him and his adventures he had at grandma and grandpas house last night.

My only question was, where had I been and when did all this occur.

“Rachel,” I heard JC’s voice call me as he entered the house an hour after breakfast had occurred and Logan went off to one of his uncles

Wiping my eyes I watched the video in our room where I had woke up this morning I saw us smile and kiss one another as we cut the wedding cake. I saw Logan when he was only probably two as my mom fed him cake as he sat on her lap.

“There you are,” he said coming to me and I heard him about to say something else when he realized what I was watching.

“Our wedding day,” he whispered and came up and sat next to me on the bed placing his arm around my shoulder I looked at him smiled and he kissed my cheek. For some reason even if I couldn’t remember anything about our relationship but the night we had last night. I still felt safe in his arms and watching the videos I had been since JC had drove off with Logan earlier I just couldn’t understand how I could forget everything that had been in front of my eyes.

“How you feeling,” he asked me.

“Ok, considering,” I said nodding watching the car with the just married sign drive away and the cheers of our family as we left.

“I scheduled you a doctor appointment in about an hour,” JC said taking the remote from me and turning off the TV as the video ended.

“Ok,” I nodded not really sure what to do, we had talked while Logan had been playing in his room and getting ready to go see his uncle Tyler. Yea that’s who it had been, at least I remembered the things happening today I told myself.

JC and me had a night where we had pretended to be strangers and picked up each other at a bar since our anniversary had yesterday. Sadly the date we had where we had met and picked each other up was all I could remember, from our past.

JC had tried to make it better with a joke saying at least I remembered the good stuff. When he had questioned me about not freaking when Logan had jumped in my arms I told him how could I let my son know his mother had forgotten about him, how could a five year old understand that.

I got ready and watched JC as he drove us to the doctors office.

--

After some while of some test and some waiting in the waiting room we were called into the doctors office and sat down at his desk.

“Rachel, we have to wait a couple weeks for the last test on the cat scan that we did to come back but so far all the others have come back negative so that is a good sign, though I do have one more thing to tell you guys,” He said as he looked through my file.

I felt JC grasp my hand and lace his fingers through mine as the doctor cleared his throat, “With what is going on in the present time I don’t know if this is good or bad news but your pregnant,” he said.

I squeezed the life out of JC’s hand and looking over at him I saw him with a grin like he had just won the greatest prize in the world.

I was happy that he was happy, but right now I hardly remembered last nights events let alone the past ten years we had known each other so my feelings where a little confused at the moment to say the least.

After a visit to the pharmacy for the vitamins and stuff I had to start taking we went and picked up Logan and headed home.

I was watching JC cook as I listen to our son laugh at sponge bob in the living room.

“He has your laugh,” I said and saw JC look over his shoulder at me with a smile.

“You tell me that every day,” he chuckled and I shook my head.

“Its true,” I said hearing the laughter again as I heard the voice I knew as Mr. Crabs say something.

“Again, always your argument but I may have his laugh but he has your smile,” he said making me blush.

As I was listening to him start to hum as he stirred the pot of noodles and listen to my son comment on his cartoon I placed my hand on my stomach and rubbed it softly.

It was when I felt JC behind me and his hand was placed over mine I looked up at him.

“We’ll be alright,” he said and held on to me when I just sighed and leaned against him rapping myself in his arms and placing my head against his shoulder.

You know I don’t think I realized how busy I would be with having to take care of Logan and myself with the pregnancy that half the time I didn’t even remember I forgot; well my life. I had gone to see some friends and they had told me stories of how JC and I had met and how we started to date, and now all I can do when I have a spare moment, while Logan is taking a nap was, think about either story.

I was told that JC and I had met at book store you see I was a writer, my first two books had been published and my third one had just been released and I was a nervous wreck, my first two where self help books about just being yourself in a world dominated by being like everyone else. The third was my first attempt at some fiction, I had been sitting away from the area I was suppose to sit to sign books, well I was told I was hiding, but I think I was just sitting somewhere where no one could see me for the moment. I heard my name be called and so I went to get up from the area I was in and hid in an isle of books when I ran into him and well split his Starbucks that Barnes and Noble likes to sell in their store all over him.

--

What I wrote in the book was staring at me in the face this moment while I moved my hands over the back of the book and traced my fingers over my handwriting.

“Now that you’ve read all my books how bout you give me a call and we talk over some coffee,” I read out loud to myself and than traced my fingers over my signature and the number I left at the end.

How I go the nerve to do that was beyond me right now, since well I could only remember it as a story being told like watching a movie through a screen. To me, even if all the clues pointed to it was reality where in my face ; it was still make believe to me in my mind.

“Are you thinking about what the girls told you again,” JC asked making me turn around.

I nodded as I shut the book and placed it on the arm rest.

“You know that coffee trip we went to after I got the nerve to call your number was when I think I realized I was falling for you,” he said sitting next to me on the couch but not too close.

“I’m sure it was,” I said not looking at him.

“I know this is hard Rach, I know its hard for me too,” He said taking a breath and I saw him run his hands through his hair.

“Its hard to look at you and not see you all at the same time,” he said making me turn around to look at him.

“What,” I questioned and jumped a little when I felt him place his hands on my cheeks.

“I mean to say its hard to look at you, right here and than look into your eyes that’s use to be so bright and.. Its just hard to not see you anymore when I look there and remember what I use to see what I use feel when I looked at you,” he said.

I went to touch his hand but he moved it back and looked at me scared.

“I know your still there, but hidden somewhere and I’m just scared you’ll never come back to me,” he said and I watched the tears fall down his cheeks.

“I’m scared I lost my one shot at love, and never got the chance to say good bye,” he said and this time when I pulled him into my grasp he didn’t fight it but clung to me as much as he could.

I took a breath and looking at the walls of pictures of us and everyone we knew and felt him cling to me my own tears fell.

--

Tapping my fingers against the arm rest I sat and waiting for the doctor to come in. While I had been at my first pregnancy related exam I was told heard that my results for all the test I had done a couple weeks prior had come in and to come wait for my doctor in his office once I was done.

Biting my lip when I heard the door open I turned it into a smile when I saw the doctor come in and smile at me and shake my hand.

“Where’s JC,” he questioned realizing I was alone.

“Taking care of Logan, he got a cold over the weekend,” I explained remembering how I had to pry a sad little boy away from me this morning when I left for my appointment when all he wanted was his mother to take care of him, I bit my lip again.

“Right, well about the test, you see its complicated what we found so bear with me,” he said making me raise my eyebrows but nodded for him to continue.

“You’ve heard of Alzheimer’s before right,” he asked and I nodded.

“Well you don’t have that but you do have a mutated version of it that is far more treatable than its parent,” he said.

“What,” I questioned not sure how I got it out with how dry my throat felt.

“There are some types of Alzheimer’s that effect the whole brain slowly and some that well fix upon the memory,” he said reading over his chart than looking at me.

I nodded still biting my lower lip.

“You said it was treatable,” I questioned.

“Yes, we give you a shot now, and one every two or three weeks along with some medicine and you should recover,” he said.

“Ok, than,” I said but saw him take a breath.

“Now, before you agree to this I must explain that if you go through with it, you will lose the pregnancy,” he said.

This time my mouth went totally dry I couldn’t speak I kept trying to swallow to make my mouth work but nothing would work.

“So, right now here is all our research on what you have and its treatment, and I ask you to take serious thought into this, talk with your husband your family, and even yourself ok, and call me back take as much time as you need,” he said.

Pulling all the papers he gave me I nodded and got up and headed towards the door.

“Thank you,” I said softly but never did turn to look at his reaction as I headed out the door and through the building and out towards my car.

I was in the state of shock and as I drove home I don’t think I remembered a single bit of the drive home nor what song had been on the radio even though I sang along softly to myself to all of them

JC had taken Logan to see his doctor or so the note said when I saw it on the whiteboard attached to the fridge.

I bit my lip, the whole thing seemed simple enough to do. It was than I was faced with the decision of my memory or the baby growing inside of me. I’m sure JC would probably chose my memory because what he had said earlier. I would too and I did till I found out the out come of the babies life.

I had always been neutral on the whole abortion factor knowing that I would never hate or love someone for their choice on it alone. It was their body, their baby. their circumstance to choose what was right or wrong. Not mine, but now I didn’t know what to think. Sure I doubt it wasn’t technically considered abortion if it was in the health of the parent involved to take something that would in the end kill the pregnancy but I couldn’t help feeling like I was sitting on a pointed fence and no which way I sat was comfortable enough to stay put with.

I had read up on the information my doctor had printed me about my “disease”, and yea it was weird to say I had one too. They said it was a mutation of Alzheimer’s and Amnesia, that fixed upon the memory sometimes it worked out on its own, sometimes it grew to become like full blown Alzheimer’s till you couldn’t function at all.

My doctor had said that mine was a mild case, since I was remembering things now and remembered the night before I had forgot everything. Though he said the likely hood of me coming through this on my own was unlikely.

Biting my lip I knew what was the right choice and I knew that in the end I would regret loosing my child but I would regret my self and I was beginning to think JC would regret me too if I didn’t go through with this.

What had caught my eye was the factor that most of the information of the baby and taking the medicine and been 50% true in some causes and 70 or more in others. There hadn’t been a case where the child had been born and survived, there had been at least a couple where they child was born a dead, or born and dead within its first week on earth.

I didn’t know if it would be better to just go ahead and do an abortion and than go on medicine. Though I think at this point I’d rather not have that on my conscience as well as not knowing damn shit about my life too.

--

Later that night after taking care of Logan and finally getting him to take his medicine after fighting with him on it I sat on the couch and stared at the blank TV screen till I hear JC clear his throat.

“Hey,” I said looking down at my lap.

“Hey,” he mimicked me as he sat down next to me and to a breath.

“So are you gonna tell me what happened today, you seem kind of quite,” he said.

“Well they baby’s healthy and um, I found out about the other test I took you know about memory loss thing,” I said and watched him nodded.

“They said its like a mutated version of Alzheimer’s’ and Amnesia,” I said making him turn to look at me.

“Your gonna get worse,” he questioned with big eyes looking at me.

I shook my head.

“I have a mild case,” I said as I began to play with my fingers.

“There’s something your not telling me,” JC said making me look up at him.

I watched his face look at mine trying to sort out an answer with out me telling him.

“Well first, its curable,” I said and saw him smile a bit till he registered what I said.

“But,” he questioned.

“Its more than likely that little Chasez number two wont make it,” I said softly.

“Baby,” Jc said pulling me to him.

“Jace, I just I want to be back, I want you to have me back I hate what I did making you think you lost me,” I started to rant till he placed his finger on my lips.

“You think that I hate you because of this,” he asked.

My face made an I don’t know yea look as I shrugged.

“Honey, we married remember for better for worse for memory loss or not your stuck with me till you die,” he said making me chuckle at the way he said the last part.

“Really,” I questioned, and felt him nodded his head as it leaned against my forehead.

“Yes, and I know this is hard for you and I don’t want to tell you to choose to give up another child because I’d love to have another kid, and there is part of pregnancy that women go through with having a kid that I will never understand but you do,” he said looking at me in the eye.

“Even if you lose me,” I asked.

“Baby, your still here a little confused and bruised right now but memories are all around us and I’d rather make new ones with you and be sure their here to stay till when were old an gray than have this get worse later on and loose you entirely,” JC told me place his hands on my cheeks.

I smiled.

“I’ll make an appointment next week to start the medicine,” I said.

JC nodded, “That’s my girl, now lets go to bed.”

I let him pull me up off the couch as he pulled me by the hand and turned off the lights as we made our way up stairs ad to bed for the night.

Sitting in the bathroom I looked at all the pills I had to take one bottle in particular had gone untouched.

You see the doctor advised me that I should still take my meds for my pregnancy while I did the other, because having a miss carriage while on them could hurt my system on a different level.

I had gotten my first shot yesterday afternoon and I was suppose to take the pills after my other this morning, but as I looked at the bottle and remembered what I read I didn’t know if I could do it.

The shots weren’t the thing that would effect my baby these things were, they made the shots work so to speak. My doctor said without taking these the shots would be more like shooting nothing but water into my system for a couple months.

Licking my lips I took them into my hands and read the prescription with my name and daily times I was suppose to take it.

“Mommy,” I heard Logan say from the door.

Turning I looked at him as he rubbed his tired eyes as he pulled at his power ranger pajama shirt.

“Good morning buddy,” I said with a smile as I watched him shuffle over to me and place his arms up for me to take him up on to my lap.

Getting comfy against me he looked at the table I had been staring at.

“What those for,” he questioned.

“To help keep mommy healthy,” I stated trying not the let the tears I felt in my eyes as I held my son as he rapped his arms around my neck.

“Mommy sick,” he questioned looking at me before placing his hand on my cheek and looking up at me.

“Kind of baby,” I said not really sure what to say.

I felt him kneel in my lap as he went to kiss my forehead.

“All better,” he said making me chuckle.

“Yea all better,” I laughed tickling his sides as he giggled away making me laugh harder.

“What are you two doing,” I heard JC’s voice say as he walked into the room with his coffee.

“I make mommy better,” Logan explained and kissed my forehead again.

I smiled with a bit bottom lip to JC as he cracked a smile himself.

“Really you made her better, thanks bud,” JC said picking him up and pinching his sides.

“Welcome,” he said with a sigh as he laid his head on JC’s shoulder.

Laughing to ourselves at how easy Logan had felt it was but inside we both knew what we had already lost.

--

After a quite lunch later that day I was sitting on the couch with JC as we watch Logan play with his action figures as I was told earlier that day only after I had called them dolls. We were watching another one of Logan’s favorite cartoon’s Tom and Jerry.

“Isnt it werid, this show has been around since we were young,” I asked Jc as he placed his arm around my shoulder and took a drink of his water.

“Its older than that, my mom and dad use to say that when I was I a kid,” he said making me laugh.

“That is old,” I said turning to look at him with a smirk when he eyed me not turning is face to fully look at me.

Kissing his cheek I chuckled a little bit more before I set my head on his shoulder.

“I owe you,” I whispered.

“Nah, I love you and you love me that’s enough,” he said kissing my forehead.

Looking over a Logan as he laughed I smiled as I felt Jc place the arm around my shoulder around my waist.

“Oh, hows it going ya know,” he asked trying not to truly mention the medication and what was going on.

“I feel like a druggie,” I said making him chuckle at me for a moment as he rubbed my side.

“As long as it works out right,” he asked me.

“Yea, the doctor said we should know within a couple weeks if its starting to work,” I said.

“Good, now shh I want to watch this,” he said as Tom tried to get back at Jerry for the thousandth time.

Smiling to myself, as much as I couldn’t remember how this happened I was happy and glad it did.

--

It was werid, how I was still going to my appoinements for my pregnancy even though I knew I’d eventually be faced with the news that I no longer was.

“Well Mrs. Chasez your baby and you look really healthy so just keep it up,” the nurse said after checked her charts and than lead me to lay on the table for the next part of the appoinement.

Pulling my shirt up to show my now small belly she placed the cream on it and spread it around.

“What will we be able to see,” I questioned.

“Not much, its still a little too early to hear an heart beat but we might be lucky,” she mentioned.

I took in a breath as she started up the machine and got to work rolling it over my stomach.

At that moment as much as I wanted to hear the heart beat, I didn’t because it would make it that much harder when it no longer existed.

But as I thought those words I heard what I feared the most, and tears ran down my cheeks as the nurse showed me where my baby was and let me hear the heartbeat.

Thinking about it made me think about Logan, and I gasped when I recalled doing the same thing when I found out I was pregnant with him.

My first memory back, I thought to myself as I wiped my eyes with the tissue the nurse gave me as she wiped up my stomach and helped me sit up.

 I thanked her but I left the office and the building in shock, I didn’t know what to think anymore as I placed my hand on my stomach and got in my car to head home.

I sat at the table that was mine in the office me and JC shared as I had one hand on my stomach and the other on the mouse rereading for the thousandth time about how many children surivied after the mother had the same treatment done.

“None past three months,” I read my hope still glimmering a little but it faded a degree as I read that out loud even though I knew it before I had read it, since this was probably my thousanth time reading the darn thing anyways.

Pulling open a blank docuemtn page I started to write, I wrote first about my memory of Logan and than lead it up to what was going on and what I was going through, than all the back memories. That well to me weren’t really memories they were stories I was told and made to believe were my life.

Taking a breath I shook that thought away I couldn’t think like that.

Finishing up what I had wrote I heard a knock on the door turning I smiled when Jc held sleepy Logan in his arms.

“He wanted to say goodnight,” he told me as I got up and rubbed back the hairs on my son’s head.

I had told Jc about remembering my first ultrasound with Logan when I had gotten home earler that day.

He had hugged me and kissed my face all over, making me laugh but I still was in shock over it cause I really didn’t know what to think of it all at the moment.

“Could I tuck him in,” I questioned and Jc nodded and waved with his free hand to follow him.

Watching as JC placed him in the bed I came over to him and smiled when he grabbed my hand through his sleepy eyes.

“Night mommy,” he said with a yawn.

“Night buddy, sleep tight ok,” I said pulling the blanket up and handing him his stuffed doggie but he shook his head.

“You keep for baby,” he said pointing towards my belly near his free hand that didn’t hold mine.

I bit my lip and tried not the let the tears fall.

“But Bruce is your puppy,” I told him.

“I give him to baby,” Logan said with another yawn as he let go of my hand and turned on his side.

“Well thank you,” I said feeling JC’s hand on my shoulder.

I kissed Logan’s forehead.

“Love you mommy,” he said.

“I love you too, mister,” I said pinching his sides to which he giggled and pushed my hand away.

“Night buddy,” JC said running a hand over his hair but he got no response because he was already out like a light.

Walking towards the door we turned his nightlight on and shut the door half way.

“How did you know the dog’s name was Bruce,” JC asked me as we walked down the hall.

“Didn’t Logan or you call him that,” I asked and JC shook his head.

“Not since before,” he said stopping me in the hallway right in our doorway.

“I don’t know,” I said looking up at him.

JC smiled at me at the same time his hand rested on my stomach as he leaned against the door frame and I leaned against him.

“I guess the medicine is working,” he said.

“I guess,” I said with a sigh as I placed my hand over his.

“We’ll be ok,” he said with a smile as he kissed my cheek right under my eye.

--

It had been a couple months and the treatment and my pre-natal meds had become a normal part of my daily life that it felt weird when I sat in the doctor’s office and heard what he said he wanted me to do.

“I want you to stop taking the other meds only your pre-natal’s,” he said after running some test and asking how my memory and been, and me explaining how sometimes I actually remembered things and sometimes I said things or did things out of memory, not realizing I knew them or shouldn’t have with my case.

Seeing my look he explained, “You see these test have shown that the medicine isn’t doing anything to your system, but the shots are, so I want to see if maybe the shots are all you need.”

“I thought you said the shots didn’t work without the pills,” I asked and he nodded.

“They shouldn’t but in your case they are, or it looks like they are,” he said.

“So you want me to stop taking the pills to see if in fact the shots are working and its not the pills that are making them work,” I questioned and he nodded his head.

“Is it sad that my head hurts knowing that I understood that,” I questioned the doctor who only laughed.

“I think it sad that either of us do,” he said with a smile but than explain to me what the next steps would be if what he thought was true.

“So does that mean I might be able to keep my baby,” I asked.

“I’m not sure, in all the test we’ve done and how the pills effect different people at different rates we aren’t able to determine how much of the pills effects are in result to termination to the pregnancy or the baby after its born, I’m sorry,” he said when I all I did was nod.

With that news I thanked the doctor and headed out and as I headed to my car I heard the snaps of the camera and looking up I saw about three paparazzi walking around me.

They only called my name asked how far along I was, but nothing else.

I didn’t acknowledge them I didn’t say anything I just found my keys to my car in my bag and got in and pulled out.

Sitting at a red light I played through the scene in my head and shook my head with a smile.

“Great, now I’m gonna hear the next rumor that I’m sad that I’m pregnant or something,” I said remembering a story from when, I was pregnant with Logan since me and JC hadn’t been married at the time.

Wait did I remember that or did I just consider that because I saw Logan in the wedding video that I some how found time to watch once a day if not on tv in my head.

Thinking about the wedding video again, as I drove home I thought for moment about how much I had remember seeing on the tape and how much I was thinking up at the moment.

“ I need to get home and watch that tape,” I said remembering my mom talking to me as my friends helped me put my wedding dress on and my dad giving me the sad eye before he walked down the isle.

Smiling a little to myself I remembered a saying my grandmother once said, “You cant go wrong with a little bit of hope,” I said out loud as I pulled off the freeway and headed towards the streets which lead to the community that the house was in.

I had sat there and watched that wedding video and any video I could find of Jc and I or Logan and was surpised at how my mind would add little bits and pieces here and there with the tapes, and what shocked me the most is on the last tape of Logan’s third birthday I said what my video self said three seconds before it did.

“How many times have you watched these,” Jc chuckled as he heard me say the last line with myself.

“That’s the first time I watched that one,” I said trying to look at him without him catching my eye some how.

“You mean, you knew or you just guessed,” he asked as he sat down on the couch next to me, we were alone since he had just dropped Logan off to have a sleep over at his friends house tonight.

“I knew,” I smiled at him.

I saw him bite his lip trying to hide his smile but it cracked anyways.

“Is it ok to be happy about his,” I heard him question looking over at me.

“Why wouldn’t it be,” I asked with a confused face his way till he turned and placed his hand on my stomach.

“Oh,” I said soflty almost forgetting about the whole thing.

“Yea, I mean I can see parts of you coming back daily now, but does that mean the faster you come back the faster this is gone,” JC questioned rubbing my belly.

I shrugged I didn’t know what to say.

“I know the doctor said that because your not on the pills anymore that your risk for losing the pregnancy is less but, he still wasn’t sure you know,” JC said mentioning what I had told him earlier as he helped Logan pack for his sleepover.

I nodded, “No, I know I do and I guess that’s why I try not to think about it as bad as that sounds,” I told him turning to look at the screen played something I never saw before but it was muted at the moment.

“What’s that,” I questioned.

Jc looked at the TV for second but scrunched up his nose in thought and took the remote from the coffee table and rewound it, as he did so I saw the light go on in his head as he smiled and got closer to me and paused it.

“June 5th, 2010,” he mentioned softly.

“Hey isn’t that our one year anniversary,” I asked him and his eyes shot up but than nodded, he was slowly getting use to me knowing certain things without fail like I use to, but he still gave a look of surprise ever now and than.

“Yup, and the same day I propsed to you,” he said hitting play on the remote and placing it on his leg as he brought his other had to rest around my shoulder.

I heard the music on the screen play, Savage Garden’s I knew I loved you before I met you.

The candles everywhere in the patio area of the backyard, making me look up and towards the screen towards the backyard; the very same one.

I smiled as I heard Jc’s voice tremble on the screen and turned to watch it again.

“Rach, I know we’ve only been together a year and I know we’ve had our rough spots and all but with Logan and everything, I know that if we weren’t together if I didn’t do this, I’d regret it for the rest of my life, because I wouldn’t have you by my side,” Jc said as he pulled the ring out of his pocket and kneeled down and looked up at me sitting at the table.

I felt myself watching myself as the tear fell down my cheek there as it did here.

And just the same way JC used his thumb and wiped it a way with a smile at me, I watched as I nodded cause that’s all I could do and I knew than as I knew why now, the words he had said as cheesy as they were the struck a heart string and I could breath enough to tell him yes to tell him.

“I love you,” I whispered as I sat on the couch and JC turned to me with tears in his eyes.

“Are you just saying that,” he questioned, both of us compeletly forgetting the tv even though I knew all we were doing was dancing to the end of that song.

I shook my head as I bit the inside of my bottom lip and looked at him trying not to cry.

I took a breath as he continued to stare at me not sure what to make of what I just said, I’m sure he was scared cause I was and well I could see it in his eyes, just like I always had.

“I remember us,” I whispered almost to soflty for myself to hear.

I saw him touch my face as he continued to stare and than, I saw him smile like a mad man.

“I see you again,” he whispered in almost the same way.

I blinked and the tears came down my cheeks and JC didn’t stop them this time but he took my cheek in his hands and pulled me close.

“I love you too,” he breathed right before he touched my lips with his and softly kissed me, unsure at first with his kisses but when I kissed him back and wrapped my arms around his neck he pulled me tighter till he laid on the couch with me on top of him.

We kissed until we couldn’t breath and pulled back our foreheads still touching.

I smiled at him as he smiled at me. Sofly he ran his fingers through my hair and kissed my lips soflty and I felt his lips touch my mine as he whispered. “Were gonna be ok.”

----

As the days went on my memories came back, and just like I had immersed myself in JC and mines realtionship to see it again, I did it with every part of my life, from reading all my work and notes I had written to get back to my writing. I had started to write a story about my life as I remembered things and I went to go see family I went to places I hadn’t been since I was in college, I rediscovered my life, and myself.

But today was different, even with most of my memories back, I still had moments that were a little more than forgetting were you placed your keys. Today was the beginning of the last trimester of my pregnancy, and as I been going to both doctors with every visit today was just the same.

As far as my GNYO could see both me and the baby were healthy and on the path the delivery in a couple of months. Though I though to myself as I walked towards the evelator to go up a floor to the other part of my day I realized it could all be over soon, once I had stopped taking the pills I never gone back to them but as scheduled I took the shots like going to church on Sunday, for most people anyways.

The doctor had said that even though I was basically back to normal he didn’t want to risk the pregnancy more by stopping the shots half way through, even though in the end since no one knew what killed the pregnancy in the other cases the pills or the shots, I was up shit creek without a paddle. I was told till my last month I needed to take the shots like clock work.

“Here I go,” I breathed out as I stepped into the area to be poked again, and just like flying I could only see my chances getting slimmer and slimmer each time I went.

One month till I was due, two days since my last shot and I was awake in the middle of the night looking up at the ceiling wondering why I felt something was wrong, but couldn’t place it at the same time, everything thing seemed fine, everyone was healthy and happy.

I sat up moving slightly trying not to wake up JC who was snoring lightly besides me. Trying to at the same time make myself comfortable with the Buddha belly that had grown.

I don’t know how long I sat there or what I was really trying to think about till I felt the bed move I and felt JC place his head on my shoulder and say softly, “You ok?”

I nodded and when he grabbed my hand making me look at him I saw he wanted me to say I was ok.

I turned slightly making a sigh as I looked at him than at his hands that now held mine.

“Rachel,” he questioned.

“I feel like something is askew,” I said softly not looking up.

“askew,” he questioned.

“Wrong,” I said shrugging my shoulders.

“Why would you think that, your back to normal the baby is healthy, and” he stopped the same moment I grasped his hand and the same time I felt the sharp pain to the side of my stomach as I clinched my eyes shut.

“Fuck,” I grimaced as it shot through me like a Charlie horse but in my side and I hadn’t even moved in the past couple minutes.

“Are you ok,” JC asked and I was about to say yea just a cramp when I felt it again and I shook my head and that’s when I started to really feel like something was wrong and my eyes started to tear up as I looked at him.

“Ok, stand up with me,” JC said as he pulled me up with him and I grasped both hands as the pain instead of one side or the other it came on both and I almost had to kneel down but JC held me.

“Jace, something is wrong,” I said softly and scared out of my mind.

He simply just grasped my hand harder as he wrapped one of his around me from behind and stopping so we could both slip on our flip flops by the door he grabbed my bag as we headed towards the stairs before I stopped us.

“Rachel, come on you have to go the hospital, I can see it in your face your hurting and its something that’s wrong,” he said.

I nodded, “I know, but Logan,” I mentioned.

“Shit,” JC said looking back towards where his room was.

“We could get you to the hospital and I could come back and get him,” he said.

“And what if he wakes up in that time frame and freaks out cause we aren’t here,” I questioned.

I let go of his hand taking my bag and leaned against the railing wall a little away from where the stairs started.

“Go get him, he’ll sleep through most of it anyways,” I said.

JC watched me for a moment before I raised my eyebrows at him and he only chuckled softly and mumbled something about even if I was in pain I could be a pain the ass.

I smiled but grimaced as the pain hit me again and I tried to grab for something but all I got was the wall.

“Come on buddy,” JC said softly readjusting the sleepy boy on his hip who only mumbled were we going before he fell back asleep completely forgetting to wait for an answer.

JC had me loop my arm through is free hand that wasn’t support Logan and we slowly took the steps and got into the car.

--

The car ride had been really quiet as JC kept one hand in mine telling me to squeeze when I needed to which was the whole ride and Logan softly sounding like a mini JC when he slept snoring away.

The usual hour it took to the hospital seemed like a so much shorter trip than it had ever been before. I don’t know if had to do because I really wasn’t paying attention or maybe because JC might have been going faster than the speed limit allowed.

Right now as he pulled into the emergency parking lot and got out first getting Logan I took a sighed to try to relax but when the pain shot through my belly again I felt the tears start to roll down my face, the same ones I had tired to keep at bay since the second time whatever was going on had shown me who was boss.

Opening the passenger door I went to step out when I felt woozy and almost fell till I felt JC’s free hand wrap itself around me.

“Slow down Rach, will get there, and will be ok,” he stated softly and even if I wanted to believe him when he said that for some reason in the back of my head as we entered the building and JC started acting like a mad man trying to get me help I wasn’t so sure if we would be alright anymore.

--

Opening my eyes to the beeping sounds of my heart beat and feeling the heart monitor clip on my right pointer finger I wiggled my fingers as I looked around the room, the last thing I remember was when the nurse was bringing a wheel chair down the hall way to take me away, but that was the last thing I remembered.

“Mommy,” I heard Logan’s voice as the door to my room opened slowly.

I looked over at him and smiled before I heard JC’s voice behind him.

“Logan, come on Mommy’s sleeping will visit her in a little bit,” JC said trying to come pick him up as he held the door and went to pick up Logan he stopped when he saw me looking at him.

I bit my lip as we stared at one another, I knew it I had lost our baby, and even if I was here even if I remembered everything, I felt something was missing from me from my life at the moment and the tears started to slip down my cheeks.

“Rachel,” JC said softly as he placed Logan on the foot of my bed and sat in the chair next to me trying to hold my hand but I pulled it away.

Before anything could be said my doctor entered the room.

“Well welcome back, we almost lost you there in the hallway earlier,” he said softly as he looked at my Iv bag and wrote something on his chart.

“What happened,” I said and cringed at the emotion that came from my throat and this time when JC all but grabbed my hand when he heard it as well I didn’t let go.

“Well you know what was going on with the shots you were being given and what could happen,” he explained.

I nodded very softly as I saw him shift through the charts.

“Your very lucky though, I say give it about an hour and she should be back in her for you to feed her,” the doctor said and my eyebrows moved in confusion but I didn’t get to ask the doctor what he meant as he left the room.

“Jace,” I said looking over at him watching him smile slightly.

“You were pretty out of it honey, but everything went fine she was just a little pre mature,” JC explained.

“She,” I questioned.

I saw his face smile as he nodded.

“We have a daughter Rachel, she made it and is one hundred percent healthy,” he told me and I squeezed his hand harder as he chuckled.

“I really was out of it, I though I had lost the baby,” I said looking towards our hands and he ran his thumb over my hand.

“Rach,” he whispered making me look up and I when I did I bit my lower lip.

“I love you so much,” he said.

“I love you too,” I said and it was than I felt Logan trying to crawl up the bed to me.

“What you doing buddy,” I questioned as he finally made it to me and taking my hand away from JC for a moment I heard him about to tell Logan that he should be doing that when I gave him a shut up look to which he shook his head at and stayed silent as I repositioned Logan on me so it was more comfortable for me.

“Mommy,” I heard him whispered.

“Yea Lo,” I asked rubbing my hand through the back of his hair.

“You ok,” he asked making me smiled with a blush, I hadn’t realized till now that once we had gotten into the hospital that Logan probably woke up with all the commotion and was scared.

“Yes,” I said pulling him up so he sat on my upper stomach near my chest. I held his hands as kissed his forehead.

“I’m all better,” I whispered as I remembered him doing the same thing too me months ago.

“We all are,” I heard JC whisper as one of his hands landed on my shoulder as the other rubbed his son’s back.

Looking up at JC I smiled, “And we always will be.”

--

-One Year Later-

“Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear Gracie, happy birthday to you,” we sang as the little girl with pig tails bounced on lap and clapped with a giggle.

“We have Cake now,” Logan said with a big grin as he went to reach for the chocolate cake with the candles still lit on it.

“Logan,” I heard JC’s stern voice say from his side making him stop his movements.

I saw Logan look up at his father and smile as he placed his hand back down by his side and I stared to chuckle.

“You know he gets that from you,” JC said looking at me as I watched my son sigh as he than took one of his chicken fingers on his plate and start nibbling on it.

“What,” I looked over at JC with a shocked look.

“The whole smile thing when you know your in trouble,” he said making a look at me like try to get out of it I dare ya.

I simply rolled my eyes at him before I said, “Ok Grace, lets blow out the candles.”

And holding her up I let her watch me take a breath and hold in my cheeks but before I could go to blow out the candles I felt Grace place her chubby little hands on my cheeks and push making all the air come out and she laughed.

I could help by crack up and I watch JC just smile as Logan looked around with a sigh, I smiled for a moment.

“Hey Lo,” I said making him look at me.

“Why don’t you show Grace how its done,” I said pointing towards the cake to which he smiled.

“Ok,” he said and moving towards the cake JC helped him into his lap so he could get a better height to the table and looked at his sister.

“Ok Grace watch,” Logan said and did what I did with his cheeks and blew out the candles.

I watched him and Grace and smiled as her face lit up when the candles flickered than went out.

“Gain,” I heard her say.

I saw JC laugh at that as he let go of Logan as he jumped off his lap and went towards the house.

“Where you going buddy,” I asked him.

“I gotta go,” was all he said as he pushed open the door and disappeared into the house making me chuckle as JC came over to me and picked up Grace and bounced her on his hip as he pulled me up and held me against him.

“She’s our saving Grace,” he whispered.

“But you’re my miracle,” I said making him look at me.

“What you think you’re the only one with the cheesy lines,” I asked making him shake his head.

“I’ll show you cheesy,” he mentioned with a tickle to my side making me squirm and giggle as I watched our daughter pick up the collar to JC’s shirt before it was placed in her mouth like everything else lately.

“Jace,” I mentioned pointing since he was still looking at me.

“Hey what you got there,” he asked her bouncing her a little bit more to which she giggled but still sucked on the collar.

Letting go of my side for a moment I felt his arm move to his back side than wrap back around me as he placed something in my hand.

“JC’s she too old for this,” I said looking at the pacifier in my hand.

“Hey its either that or my shirts,” he said with a chuckle as I rolled my eyes at him and pulled her from his hip and placed the pacifier in her mouth to which she started to giggle around as I bounced her in the air and than blew a raspberry on her tummy.

“Can we have cake,” I heard Logan’s voice ask as he came back from the house.

“Did you wash your hands,” I heard JC say and I saw him roll his eyes and said no as he went back into the house to do so.

“See he is totally like you,” JC said taking Grace and placing her in her high chair as he walked over to the cake and picked up the knife to start cutting it.

“Is not, I so wash my hands after using to bathroom,” I said with exclaim as I ran my hands over my daughters hair before standing next to him to hand him plates to put the cake pieces on.

“That’s not what I meant and you know it,” he said with a chuckled.

“Yeah, yeah just you wait I bet she’s gonna be just like you,” I said pointing towards our daughter who had dropped the pacifier on the little table of the high chair and was trying to get to the cake.

“I think they’ll switch when they get older, you know he’ll be more like me and she’ll be more like you,” JC said as he placed a small piece of almost no frosting chocolate cake on the table to Graces high chair, we knew better than to give a little kid frosting, after Logan anyways I smiled at that memory.

It was than what JC said donned on me.

“She’s gonna be just like me,” I said with raised eyebrows remembering how was as I growing up.

“Scary huh,” he said making me push him.

“He’s gonna be just like you,” I said and I saw him think about that for a second.

“Should we just lock them up and throw away the key now,” JC laughed.

I shook my head as I placed the cake on the picnic table in front of the now very jumpy Logan who had finally came back and watched him chuckle he pushed his fork into the cake and took a bit with glee.

“Nah, but maybe we should lock our selves up,” I said and when he looked at me I wiggled my eyebrows and I didn’t hear him groan but I felt him do so as he wrapped his arms around my waist and held me against him as he went to lick the excess chocolate off his fingers from cutting the cake till I grabbed his hand and did it myself, but slowly and I watched him watch me.

“Your all kinds of evil,” he said with a deep chuckle as he took his now clean and wrapped it around my waist.

“You love it,” I said eyeing him when he shook his head.

“No, I love you,” he said than kissed me softly and as he pulled back I said, “Good cause I love you too.”

“Ewe,” heard a voice and looking over I saw Logan’s now chocolate covered face looking up at us.

“What,” I heard JC ask him as he kept one hand around my waist and led us to the other side of the table with our cake in his hand.

“Do you guys have to kiss, its gross,” he said in his six year old way of thinking making us chuckle.

“Sorry bud,” I heard JC say as he handed me my cake and started to dig into his but his fingers said other wise as the went under my shirt and tickled my side.

I watched Logan look at us than Grace for a moment before he shrugged and went back to his cake.

I chuckled inside and than gasped and jumping a little when JC’s fingers moved to my hip bone.

“Your crossing dangers territory,” I told him as I leaned against him and he only smiled as he held a piece of cake on his fork to me, opening my mouth he placed it in and pulled the fork back when I took the cake off.

“I happen to like danger,” he said with a smile and as I chewed the cake piece I smiled and than licked my lips.

“Well than,” was all I could say as I felt him chuckle as looked at Logan and I saw that he was still eating his cake and next thing I knew JC’s lips were on my mine in a quick my deep kiss.

“When is Tyler coming to get the kids,” he asked against my ear.

“Any moment,” I said and at the moment I saw Tyler come through with a pink wrapped box.

“Hey ya’ll,” Tyler said making JC turn and smile but Logan dropped his fork on his plate and ran towards him. “UNCLE TYLER,” Logan screamed as he ran to him laughing when Tyler picked him up and spun him around.

After a couple minutes and letting Grace unwrap her presents and be more excited from the boxes they came in than the actual gifts I was placing Grace in her car seat that was in the back of Tyler’s car.

“So noon tomorrow work for you,” JC asked Tyler about when to bring the kids back.

“Yeah, no problem I’m sure at least Grace will sleep most the afternoon and night right,” he asked and I watched JC nod as I kissed Grace and helped Logan in ruffled his hair before coming to wrap my arm around JC’s waist.

“Ok cool, I’ll call you guys tomorrow when I’m coming back,” he said than when he went to turn he stopped and turn to look at me and his brother.

“What are you two gonna do anyways,” Tyler asked and it was than I felt JC’s fingers on my hip and jumped a little as his fingers went under my shirt and slightly under my jean waist band.

I looked at JC as he just smiled at looked at Tyler.

“Just hang out you know,” He said and pinched my side making me jump again.

“I’m not gonna even ask,” Tyler said as he moved to shut the door where Logan and Grace where.

“Your parents are freaks,” I heard Tyler say making me laugh.

“Your related,” JC shot back and Tyler to just turned and flipped him off as he shut the door to the car and went to get in and we watched as he drove away.

“So,” I heard him say.

“So,” I said licking my lips with a laugh.

“C’mere,” he said with a growl as he pulled my hip that was still in his hand towards me towards him and my hands went around his neck.

“Were all alone,” JC said as he took both his and ran them up my back under my shirt.

“What you gonna do about it,” I asked him with a smirk and he groaned as I started to kiss his neck. I felt us move and than I felt my back press up against the front door and looking up I realized we had made it inside and he had shut the door without me knowing as I teased his neck.

“You know I love you right,” he asked running his thumb down my cheek and I nodded but he just stared at me. I knew he wanted me to say yes, he always had whenever we talked unless in the heat of the moment a nodded or shake of my head or even a smile would never do.

“JC I know you love me, and how I could I not love you, your everything for me,” I said taking a breath.

“What you’ve done for me for us, for Logan, for Grace in the past year, or so,” I stopped my voice going soft as tears welled at my eyes.

“I didn’t do anything,” he said pulling me away from the door.

“You did everything,” I said softly and stopped us as I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him tight.

“Where is all this coming from,” JC questioned me as he pulled me to look up at him.

“I was just thinking as I dressed Grace in her coat and how she might not have actually you know,” I said trying to fight my tears.

“I think about it every time I see either of you,” he said holding my cheek in his hand.

“You do,” I asked and watched him nod before he opened his mouth and took a breath before he spoke.

“I knew I loved you before this all happened, but as it did and since it has I know there is no one else in the world, that could make me want to do or feel the things that you do,” he said and I smiled at him.

“I feel the same way, and I’m just glad you didn’t just forget about me,” I said softly.

“You thought I could,” he asked and I just kinda nodded.

“I couldn’t and never will,” JC said holding my chin in his hands.

“But I did,” I said softly as I tried to turn my head down but JC held it in his hands making me look at him.

“Not by choice,” he said taking my hand with one of his.

“Still,” I started to say but JC placed the hand that on was on my chin to my lips.

“Your back, you didn’t forget you remembered and you gave us Grace alone with it, more than I could ever done,” he said pulling me back against him.

I blinked and felt the tears that had dried at the sides of my eyes and I felt him wipe my cheeks and than my eyes before he placed his lips against mine.

We kissed and slowly made our way upstairs and as we pulled apart we stared at each other for a moment.

“I love you,” we both said at the same time making us laugh.

Slowly we started to kiss again and I knew that as he had said we would be ok and right now I was really ok. I giggled and smiled at him as he pulled the covers over our heads with laugh.

We were really ok, now and forever.