She just sat there.

Not speaking a word, not moving a muscle, just looking straight ahead. What do you say to someone when you know that what you want in your heart is the exact opposite of what they want in theirs? How do you convince them that this is a good thing?

“So…what do you want to do?”  She turned her head, looked at me with blank eyes and took a sip of her coffee. She has been holding that damn coffee cup since we left my house this morning.  I sigh, this drive was going to be even longer with this unspeakable, horrible silence she is giving me.

How did I get here? How did I get to a place where it was ok to sleep with my best friend’s girl? How did a quick fling turn into lasting love, how did a simple slip up turn into me becoming a father?

“Sophie…we need to talk about this baby?” I’m trying here; I’m trying to keep my cool. I’m trying to ignore the fact that when we were in the doctor’s office, she literally screamed the word no when he congratulated us on our pregnancy.

I love her with all my heart. I know that the way we came together was fucked up and I know that we hurt our friend but I don’t regret it. Not one bit. She is the person that was put on this earth for me and I know that us having a baby is a good thing. No, it’s a fucking great thing! How can she not see this?  I feel so lost right now because what I want to do is pull over onto the side of the highway and grab her and shake her but I know that is not going to help the situation. I want to get her to talk to me; I just want her to say something, anything at all.

“I don’t want to have this baby Justin.”

Okay maybe not that. She is looking at me, and I have to remind myself to keep my eyes on the road. She didn’t mean that. I run a tired hand over my face. I didn’t hear her say that. She didn’t talk, that was just a horrible mind joke because I thought I wanted her to say anything.

“Did you hear me? I do not want to do this, I can’t”. She has tears in her voice, I can hear them and for the first time, I don’t care. I don’t care that she is hurting because the fucking words she is stating so calmly is making want to swerve into the other side of traffic.

I never wanted to hit a woman but I feel like if I reach over and slap some sense into her, she will stop with those stupid thoughts I know she is having. How can she not want us to have a baby? I know we just got use to being public and not sneaking around but I didn’t make the rules on when and where we should have a baby. It just happened. I’m scared out of my damn mind but I have never been so sure of wanting something in my life besides her and my career. I want this baby.

Now I’m the one being silent. I can’t look at her, let alone speak to her. I don’t trust my voice or my heart at this moment. All I can do is try to keep the car steady on the highway, keep the tears out of my eyes, and remember to breath.

“I know your scared Soph, but please, let’s just get home, and talk about this. I’m here for you baby, I’m not going anywhere.” I look at her, she sighs, looks at me, and shakes her head slowly. I try to blink back the feeling I have because she has that look in her eyes. That look that tells me no matter what I say, she has made up her mind.

Right now, I wish I can just drop to my knees, pray to whoever I need to pray to, light some candles, hold sacred stones, rub a rabbits foot, or whatever that will give me the strength to deal with this right now. She can’t do this to me; she can’t just sit there and make her mind up without me. I’m part of this too.

I reach over and grab her free hand. I bring it to my lips and kiss each of her fingers. I know she wants this baby deep down; this is our baby, part of me and her. I look over into her caramel eyes and she still has that look, that look that is telling me ‘no’.

“Just tell me why you don’t want our baby Soph.” I already know nothing she says will be good enough. She looks at me, opens her mouth and then just stops. She isn’t going to say anything.

“Tell me, goddamnit.” I’m yelling at her. I never yell at her, why am I yelling at her? I don’t understand. Me and her talked about kids, we had this talk, okay so it wasn’t a serious talk, more like a ‘do you ever want kids’ kind of talk but we did talk. She said yes, she said she wanted a lot of kids in fact. I remember this because I remember laughing and telling her I wasn’t having a tribe of kids with her.

She looks at me; she is opening her mouth to say something but stops. She takes a deep breath and says it. I don’t even look at her because I didn’t just hear that.. A plane is flying over us  right now, on its way to the airport. 

“This is not your baby, Justin.”

 “What?” I whispered it so low, I’m not sure she heard me. I wish that plane would come back and land on top me.