FATAL

Everyday you're gone
It's killing me to be without you
Can't make it alone...

 

He's been like this for as long as he can remember. Sure, it's been a little over two months and counting, but it feels like a lifetime to him. He's the epitome of a broken heart - he's lost so much weight that he looks skinny to the point of breaking; his complexion is pale and lacking that needed healthy glow; he looks like a mountain man with how his beard and hair has grown out wildly; if he eats at least once a day then he's having a damn perfect day; showering isn't any better though he's showered twice today strangely enough; he's abandoned all of his responsibilities to the point that his label is threatening to drop him and he's successfully gone without speaking to any other form of human life for over a month.

 

He's locked himself off from the outside world on his estate grounds. Not even his best friend or mother can get in to see him. He has threatened them with a restraining order if they don't leave him alone to deal with his issues but really, there is no way he can deal.

 

He's one meal away from starving himself to death or gaining an ulcer. He's drowned himself to sleep every night to the point where his intoxication looms over him even when he's awake during the day because of his lack of sustenance.

 

It all comes down to the fact that he's slowly but surely killing himself and he knows it but he doesn't care. His blatant disregard of taking care of his self is proving to be fatal but he won't change his ways. He won't change them because of her. As far as he's concerned, if she doesn't walk through those doors and soon, there's no point in living anyway.

 

And, there is no one but himself to blame.

 

Everyday you're gone
It's killing me to be without you
Can't make it alone
Girl cause I'm missing you...

 

It's his guilt. It's what's killing him, eating at his very core. He did this to himself. He did this to them. He pushed her away. He ignored her, pushed her to the side, took her for granted, argued with her almost every day making her out to be the bad guy and cheated on her over and over again with no remorse in his heart until that faithful day when she caught him with his pants down.

 

He was careless, he knew this. He took his present fuck buddy back to his place that the two of them shared. He was drunk out of his right mind and just craving a release. He didn't think she'd show up when she did since she had work. But she did. Out of all the days, she had to choose that specific day to leave her presentation for work at his place that she was working on the night before after they had a nasty fight about him never being around and her being a workaholic.

 

So, he was caught red handed with his chosen fuck friend bent forward on the kitchen counter and him taking her from behind. He barely was able to register what was happening when his girlfriend walked in on them. The speed that she gasped and whipped around to leave was faster than any lightening shock. He didn't even see it coming.

 

But, that's how it ended. That's how everything that they built for the last four years was thrown into the disposal. And he had no one to blame but his self. He tried to go after her, tripping over his pants since he was fighting to pull them up and run all at the same time but he was too late. She was out that door and speeding down the street before he could even call out to her.

 

That day was the end of them and his life. He tried to get her back but nothing he did or said worked. She was over listening to his sob stories and before he could even fathom the reality of the situation, she packed her things and left not just her apartment, but the state.

 

She couldn't stand him that much. She had to be that far away from him. It broke his heart, but mainly because he broke hers first due to his selfish, careless, heartless ways.

 

He was a stuck-up, cocky, conceited celebrity who took full advantage of his celebrity status. Sure, he had a girlfriend and was in a relationship, but to him in his twisted mind, he still felt like he was free to do what he pleased and who he pleased.

 

He didn't consider her feelings. He just had an insatiable need to quench his thirst of companionship so whenever he was away or they fought, he found comfort somewhere else with someone else. She knew this about him, but thought that if they were together he'd love her enough to change.

 

He didn't.

 

Not until it was too late and he lost her.

 

Now he's paying for it the hard way. He's regretting and hurting over a great love he lost all because of his deceitful ways.

 

Still he would give anything....and by anything, he means anything...to take back the things he's done and be given another chance to make everything right with her again...

 

It's like I got a hangover
I can't get outta my bed
Just like I wrecked my new rover
Girl I can't get you out of my head
And I ain't never been low but
It's like I'm broke and I'm outta the game
So I swallow my pride if that's the only way
To make it better babe...

 

But it's too late now...too late to even save his own self.

 

He's slowly slipping away, he can feel it. His constant drinking and lack of eating is slowly killing him. Shit, he could drop at any moment from alcohol poisoning but he just doesn't give a damn.

 

I know I been wrong (know I been wrong)
& we been fighting so long (we been fighting so long)
Come & see about me (come & see about me)
Its getting hard to breathe (ooohhh)
Baby I'm sorry

I miss you
Everyday you're gone
Its killing me to be without
Without you
I cant make it alone
Baby can we work it out
I miss you
Its fatal you know
Girl I'm guna die without
Without you
Tell me what to do
Girl cause I'm missing you

 

Forcing himself to stand from his sitting position on his couch, he can feel his legs wobbling, threatening to give way beneath him.

 

"I'm such a fucking joke." Justin laughs bitterly, clutching his bottle of scotch tightly in his palms.

 

Today is the worse day of his life for two reasons. One, it's the day of their five year anniversary from when they first became an official couple and two, it's her fucking birthday. If things go his way, today will be the last day he'll ever have to face without her. And that doesn't mean he's going to get her back. It just means that he won't wake up tomorrow if he can help it.

 

Gazing down at his washed out blue t-shirt with the words ‘small and big forever' written on it he scowls. She's small and he's big. It's weird pet names they had for each other. He called her small because of her petite frame and she called him big simply because she claimed that it only made sense and he was bigger than her. She gave him that shirt three years ago on their two year anniversary. It's been his favorite shirt ever since. He's worn it for the past three days in a row with his washed out khaki shorts.

 

God he's really pathetic.

 

Lifting his bottle up to his mouth, he darts out his tongue to lick his dry lips before he tilts his head back and gulps down a large portion of his poison. Grimacing, he brings his other free hand up to his mouth, wiping at it roughly.

 

(oh oh) maybe if I was older
Then I wouldn't be making these mistakes
& I know your girlfriends told ya
I didn't listen to a word I gotta say ??
But all I wana do is hold ya
You're like a habit that I just cant shake
& a life with you is what I'm tryna make
Baby cant you see

I know I been wrong (i know I been wrong)
& we been fighting so long (we been fighting too long)
Come & see about me (come & see about me)
Its getting hard to breathe
Baby I'm sorry

 

His head is spinning and he feels like he's on the verge of passing out. Gripping his couch to steady his self, he turns to look at his reflection on the surface of one of his many plaques he received for his many album accomplishments. Scoffing, he just huffs at the platinum record hanging on his wall before he attempts to walk again.

 

He's doing well so far, able to exit his living room and make it into the threshold of his house that leads to his front door. He hasn't opened that door in over a month. He's forgotten what outside looks like and how the warm sun feels on his skin. He's forgotten these things because the high levels of alcohol in his system have clouded his memory and judgment.

 

The only thing he can't seem to forget is her and it's driven him to increase his intake of his chosen poison. Bringing the bottle up to his lips again, he downs the remaining liquid letting out a burp and a satisfied growl.

 

"Shit..." he hisses when his surroundings seem to be spinning though he's aware that it's just him.

 

I miss you
Everyday you're gone
Its killing me to be without
Without you
I cant make it alone
Baby can we work it out
I miss you
Its fatal you know
Girl I'm guna die without
Without you
Tell me what to do
Girl cause I'm missing you

 

Not able to take another step, he lets himself go, falling with a thud on his marbled floor. The now empty bottle in his hand easily slides out of his grasp, rolling a few feet away from him. Forcing his self up into a sitting position, he bows his head briefly, gasping for air because it suddenly becomes difficult to breathe.

 

We he regains his normal breaths, he forces his head up, it feeling like a million tons weighing down on his neck. Blinking rapidly to clear his blurred vision, he cocks his head to the side, staring intently at his closed door, willing it to open and for her to walk through and right back into his life. But it doesn't open, and he's aware of the painful realization that he's indeed here alone, in a fatal predicament because he feels like he's dying.

 

Then he snaps, breaking out into a deafening scream before his hand finds his mouth, trying to block out his cries of pain.

 

"God...I'm so sorry." He sobs as a waterfall of tears stream down his cheeks. "I'm so sorry Crystal." He weeps. "I didn't mean to...It was a mistake. I wish you'd forgive me." He begs, pleading, talking to his self since no one else is around to hear him.

 

He's finally lost it, finally given up and there's no one around to save him. This is the first time he's allowed himself to actually cry and it's just too much to bare.

 

"God it's not fucking fair!" He screams out before he feels a sharp pain surge through his abdomen, causing him to hunch forward and grip his stomach tightly. He's gasping for air now, feeling his life slipping away. Maybe he's finally suffering from alcohol poisoning? He can feel his body shutting down and it scares the shit out of him. He feels numb. He's panicking now, fighting to stand, but he's too weak.

 

So, he whimpers shutting his eyes tightly as his voice comes out in a strangled cry. "I need help. God...can't anyone hear me?!" He desperately shouts...

 

Tell me what I gotta do (tell me what I gotta do)
Just to (bring you back bring you back) to bring you back my way
Baby girl let me know
Don't jus (keep me hanging) hanging on
Tell me what I gotta do just to
Bring you back (what I gotta do) bring you back baby
Baby girl let me know
Don't just (keep me hanging) hanging on

 

Then the unthinkable happens. Just when he thinks that he's loosing consciousness, his front door busts open...literally.

 

He's still sitting on the floor, his head and chest throbbing in immeasurable pain. But he manages to squint, trying to make out the figures that are storming into his house calling out to him.

 

"Holy shit Justin!" One person screams out in shock before they're at his side, kneeling in front of him.

 

Still, mostly conscious, Justin frowns in confusion? "T? Trace is that you?" He whispers weakly.

 

"Yes man. God, what the fuck happened to you?" The other man cries out in a panicked tone. "Don't worry. We're here for you J." Yeah, it's Trace alright.

 

Giving him a half smile, Justin just shrugs, not able to really find his voice. "Where's Crystal Trace?" He asks his friend, searching the shorter man's eyes with hope.

 

But there's no time for an answer, because the cries of his mother soon follows, and before Justin can even make sense of anything else, he's being lifted off his floor by people he's never seen in his life and placed to lie down on a...a stretcher? What the fuck is going on?

 

"T? Mom? What's going on?" Justin suddenly begins to panic, since his vision is failing him.

"Baby oh my god...I'm here." Comes a shaky voice with a southern twang. Gripping his hand tightly, Lynn looks down at her son feeling her heart break by the sight of him.

 

Relaxing slightly, Justin just sighs before shutting his eyes again, keeping his death grip on his mother's hand.

 

"What's going on mom?" He forces out in a gravelly voice.

 

"We're taking you to the hospital Justin. We were worried about you so I called the paramedics. I wasn't sure what I'd find walking through those front doors so I had to be prepared baby. Trace will follow us in his ride. I love you." She explains but he just groans.

 

"I'm fine Ma." He protests stubbornly before a voice he can't make out asks him if he consumed the entire bottle of scotch that lays empty on the floor of his house.

 

Justin figures that it's a paramedic and he has no intention of cooperating or stating that that's not the only bottle he's emptied for the day. When he doesn't answer, the masculine voice sighs, and then mentions something about having his stomach pumped but that he'll be just fine once they get him to the hospital.

 

Groaning by that piece of information, a thought passes through Justin's mind and he squeezes his mother's hand again as they usher him out of his house and into the awaiting ambulance. He doesn't even want to know how they got in, but, he is grateful that his prayers were answered so quickly. Now if only she was here.

 

"Mom, Crystal..." Justin begins before he's interrupted by a cough. "Today's her birthday Mom...please...tell her happy birthday for me and that I love her." Justin pleads, hearing his mother sigh. "Mom please!" He begs.

 

"Sweetie, fine. I'll tell her. But please just rest, we're going to take care of you ok?" She assures him as the doors to the ambulance are shut and the vehicle comes to life.

 

"No mom, you don't understand. I need her here with me. I can't do this without her mom." Justin begs, on the verge of tears again as the drowsiness from his alcohol consumption is threatening to knock him out.

 

"Baby, you won't have to do any of this without her, just rest please." Lynn begs but he shakes his head ‘no.'

 

"Wait, what do you mean?" He inquires, fighting to stay awake long enough to hear her answer. "Mom!"

 

"Baby, just know that when you wake up, Crystal will be there right next to you ok? She's worried about you too. We told her what was going on, she'll be here honey don't worry. Please just rest Justin." Lynn assures him.

 

Not able to say anything else, Justin just shakes his head in understanding, breathing deeply as he feels darkness washing over him. There's a paramedic in there with them checking his vitals but he doesn't care about that. His mother has no idea that what she just said saved his life in so many ways.

 

If he gets to wake up again to Crystal's beautiful caramel face and bright brown eyes with her flowing dark hair falling perfectly around her face, then he's willing to succumb to the darkness taking over. If he's going to see her again, then his life isn't going to end today like he thought it would. No instead, it's starting a new chapter filled with hope that maybe, she isn't gone forever and he can get her back.

 

So, he lets himself go for the last time, giving in as he slowly allows himself to be knocked unconscious.

 

She'll be there when he wakes up, and he'll be able to tell her how much he loves her.

 

Yeah, he'll wake up soon and his Crystal will be right there waiting.

 

And you know what?

 

He did finally wake up, and sure enough, she was right there at his bedside waiting...something Justin thought was more like a dream come true...

 

And the only words he was able to utter when he saw her was a simple..."I've missed you and I'm sorry."

 

Then she smiled and he just knew deep down, somehow, eventually, things would be ok again...

 

I miss you
Everyday you're gone
Its killing me to be without
Without you
I cant make it alone
Baby can we work it out
I miss you
Its fatal you know
Girl I'm guna die without
Without you
Tell me what to do
Girl cause I'm missing you

 

*The End*

 

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Song: Fatal by J Holiday