A year ago, I would’ve been sitting in this chair with my mouth hung open and my palms sweaty from excitement and awe.  A year ago, I wouldn’t have dared open my mouth to say anything to the man in the room with me unless he spoke first.

But that was a year ago.

Now, I’m bored as hell and I’ve been listening to him go over and over the same damn section of track for the past half hour.

“Justin, stop.”  He lifts his head from its position over the sound board and gives me a look.  “You’ve been fiddling with the levels on that chorus for the past half hour.  No normal person is going to hear anything wrong with it.  It’s only you and your crazy bionic ears.”

He smirks at me but says nothing.  He’s like a machine when he gets into the studio, and most of the time I appreciate it.  This is not one of those times.

“Seriously, we’re supposed to be recording.  I’m bored!”  I am totally blaming Justin for my regression into childhood tantrums.

“You’re a pain in my ass, have I ever told you that?”  He’s grinning when he says it.

“At least twice a day, love.  But really, can I get back in the booth?  And can I actually sing this time?  None of that ‘Sure, sit in the booth and sing’ when you’re really just going to fiddle with levels more.”

“Fine, fine.  I’ll work on levels later.  Get in there and sing the rest of this track, then we’ll call it a day.”

“THANK YOU!”  I jump from my reclined position on the couch and race into the booth before he can change his mind.  He’s been known to do that.

I’ve been on Justin’s label for a year now.  I was one of those lucky people that posted some stuff on youtube and Justin caught wind of it.  Apparently he was looking for some new artists to sign to his label and I fit the bill.

It was incredible, especially since I was a huge fan of Justin before we met.  Yeah, I meant to say ‘was.’  Don’t get me wrong, I still like the guy, but when you seen someone shit faced enough to puke on your shoes, or you’ve smelled their body odor after working out…they lose their appeal.  They also start to lose their appeal when they take it upon themselves to make fun of you…constantly.

Justin Timberlake thinks he a funny dude, but take it from me, he’s not.

My name is Abbey Rhodes.  Go ahead, ask me if it’s because of the Beatles song.  My parents thought they were funny too.  My boyfriend’s name is John, and the first thing Justin asked me was “is his last name Lennon?”  Hardy-har-har.

Justin’s lovingly given me the nickname Hey Jude because of my namesake.  I’m honored, really…I mean…it’s not like everyone and their brother hasn’t made reference to the Beatles when they hear my name…

Jackass.  That song isn’t even on the Abbey Rode album and Jude is a man.

We’re currently working on my debut album, which is slated to come out in two weeks.  Yup, you heard it.  Two weeks.  We’re almost done, we really only have one more full track to record, but I’m a little nervous about it all.  There is a lot of expectation with this album, especially because Justin pimps it any chance he gets.

After the release date we’re set to go on a tour of the states, and yes, I’m opening for Justin Timberlake.  Can you say pressure?  He tells me that I’ll be fine and there’s nothing to worry about, but that’s little reassurance from someone that’s been performing for millions for the majority of his life.  I’m just hoping we can get the album done on time.  We’ll start rehearsals soon and it’ll look pretty bad if I’m not even finished with my music.

“Hey Jude, can you sing that last line over again?  You’re off pitch on the second up beat and you’re going flat on the last eighth note.  Do you need the reference?”

Here he goes, all his musical jargon.  I understand what he’s asking, but sometimes I think he likes to throw big musical terms around to make himself feel more important.  It’s worse when there are other people in the studio with us, especially other producers.

“No, no reference.  I’m going flat because I’m tired.  I’ll get it this time.”

He plays back the track one more time and I finish it on key this time.  Thank God.  I’m not sure I could’ve spent another minute in this booth, or this studio for that matter.  It’s a beautiful day outside and I’ve been wasting it away with the Music Nazi. 

“Good work, kid.  We’re almost there.”

“We better be.”  I grin at him and grab my bag off the couch.  “So, want to grab some chow with me?  I’m starving.”

He pats down his pockets in search of his cell phone and looks confused for a second.  I grab it off the counter and hand it to him.  He can be such a space case sometimes.

“Uh, sure, let me call Jill first.”  Jill: the girlfriend.  I’ve only met her a handful of times but she seems nice enough.  She’s a little preoccupied with trying to get her acting career going, so I’m a little wary of her.  Sometimes I think she’s only with Justin to further her career, but then again, so am I.

“OK.”  I plop back down on the couch and tap my foot on the carpet.  Their phone conversations often tend to get lengthy and mushy, so I’m prepping myself for a wait.  Surprisingly enough he hangs up without talking to her.

“No answer.  Where do you want to eat?”

“Seafood, I don’t care where.  I’m craving some shell fish and scallops.”  He gives me a look like he’s about to go green in the face.  Justin hates scallops and he’s a big baby when it comes to most other kinds of sea food.  It must be because he was brought up in the South.  That boy puts away fried chicken like it’s nobody’s business.

“There’s that diner down town that sells seafood and burgers and stuff.  Let’s go there.”

“Good with me.”  We trudge out the door and head towards the parking lot.  We’ve started recording in a whole in the wall studio because the paparazzi was getting to be too much at our normal studio.  Justin can’t go anywhere without being hounded.  It’s a little pathetic.  I mean, he’s just a guy, and he’s not at cool as everyone likes to think he is.  He burps the alphabet and calls it talent.  Men.

“My car or yours?”  He asks, and I’m not sure why because we both know he hates driving with me and he’d never leave his precious Cadillac unattended.  I give him a ‘don’t be stupid look’ and he laughs at me.

“Yours.  John has mine anyway; he dropped me off this morning.”

“He’s still driving your car?  When is he going to get his back?”

“The body shop said next week.  There was more damage to the frame then they expected, so it’s taking a little bit longer.”

John (his last name is Woods, by the way, not Lennon) was rear-ended a few weeks ago.  Some bitch was on her cell phone and not paying any attention and she slammed into his car going about 40 mph.  Needless to say there was a ton of damage and he’s been without a car for a while now.  I let him take mine because I spend all my time in the studio and rarely have to drive anywhere else.

“I think he’s shittin’ ya and he just wants to drive your car around for a little bit longer.”  Justin grins at me like he just said something hilarious.  Sometimes I seriously question his sanity.

“Right, because he really wants to be seen in a pink and white Beetle.”  Yeah, I know, my name is Abbey Rhodes and I drive a Beetle.  The irony is not lost on me.  My parents thought it would be a cute ‘congratulations’ present for landing this record deal.  Apparently I get my creativity from somewhere else, because my parents don’t have any.

“Hey…you know I’ve always thought John was a little fruity,” again with this not-funny commentary.

“You would know, JT, you would know.”  He pretends to look offended.  We climb into his Escalade and I immediately start to fiddle with the stereo.  I get the death glare but chose to ignore it.  He often listens to some shitty rap music and if I don’t change it right away I’ll have to endure it for the entire car ride.

“You’re not supposed to touch my radio.”

“And you’re supposed to have impeccable musical taste, but obviously you don’t.”  50 Cent comes blaring out of the speakers and I cringe.  I am not a fan of music that discusses shooting each other and getting pussy.  I change it to a popular music station and sit back when I hear something a little less violent.

“You should be a comedian, Jude, really.  Your wit astounds me.”

“And the fact that you just said ‘wit astounds me’ astounds me.  Was that the word of the day?”  I can’t help but laugh at the look he’s got on his face right now.  He really hates being made fun of, which is why I enjoy it so much.  Normally I’m around people that are kissing his ass all day, it’s necessary to take him down a few pegs if you want his head to fit through the door later.

“Sometimes I question my decision to take you on as an artist.  I should have known that the shy streak wasn’t going to last forever.”  Some guy cuts us off and Justin lays on the horn and flips him the bird.  His road rage scares me.  He gets this look on his face and his brows come together…he gets ugly.

“Hey, calm down there, feisty.”

“That fucking asshole, cut me the fuck off…”  He starts grumbling so I lean over and turn up the music.  I get another death stare and start to wonder if someone’s PMSing.

“You need to do yoga or something.  You’re way too tense.”

“Yeah, yeah.”  He whips into the parking lot and we both automatically scan for photogs before getting out of the car.  I’m not even famous and I still worry about my picture being taken.  Comes along with the territory, I suppose.  Or it comes along with his territory and I just happen to be standing in it.  Luckily, there haven’t been any rumors about a romantic link between the two of us.  Thank God.

The diner is mostly empty, but that’s probably because it’s only three in the afternoon and a little too early for the dinner rush.  I have no specific eating schedule other than I eat when I’m hungry.  This means I’m usually eating all the time.  It’s is one of the reasons that Justin and I get along so well; that boy eats all the time too.  We take turns bringing food into the studio or going out to grab it.  It works out well and there’s never a shortage of things to snack on.

The older gentleman that serves us gives no sign of recognition, a thing for which we’re both grateful.  Justin loves signing autographs for his fans, but not when he’s eating.  That’s just a little much.  I can’t understand why people approach him when he’s eating, either, because he looks crazed and possessed and he shovels food into his mouth.  It’s not pretty, let me tell you.

“So, boss man, what’s this tour going to be like?  You haven’t given me any details.”  He scans the menu before placing it back on the table and looking up at me.

“It’s going to be big, I can tell you that.  I’ve just picked out the dancers and put together the band, we’re going to start rehearsals as soon as your album is finished.”

I nod my head and play with the creamers that are on the table, flipping them over by flicking the tops.

“I don’t have to dance, do I?”  He looks at me like I’m crazy.  Sometimes I think I just might be.

“Of course you do.  It’s a huge arena tour, you can’t just sit there and expect people to be engaged by the music alone.  You’re new, Jude, you need to interest them in any way possible.”

“By shaking my ass and showing my tits?”  He gives me another dirty look.  I’m tempted to tell him to stop looking at me like that or his face will freeze that way.  “Maybe I forgot to put it on my resume, but I can’t dance.”

He shakes his head at me but our conversation stops when the waiter comes back and takes our order.  Bring on the scallops, baby!

“Abbey,”  Uh oh, use of the real name.  This conversation is about to get serious.  “You don’t have to shake your ass or show your tits, you just have to dance.  I’ll have Marty listen to your upbeat songs and pull some simple moves together for you.”  He has this little twitch that he does when he’s done talking about something.  It’s almost like a head nod, but a little more spastic.  But I’m afraid that this subject isn’t closed for me.

“I don’t have dancers.  I don’t even have a band yet.  When the hell are we supposed to do all of this stuff, anyway?”  Now I’m starting to freak out.

“I’ll talk to Trish about it and make sure she knows to set auditions up.  I know some people too that I think will be perfect for your band.  Don’t worry, Jude, you’ll be fine.”

“Says the man that’s guaranteed to sell out an arena based upon name alone.  You could sit up there in your sweats and strum your guitar and people would still go crazy.  I don’t know why either, you’re pretty goofy if you ask me.”

“Good thing no one asks you, Jude.”  He quips back.  Our drinks have been placed on the table and I flick a little bit of water at him with my straw.

“They should start.”

My phone rings and I smile when I hear the ring tone I picked out for John.  And no, it has nothing to do with the Beatles.  Although, Justin changes my ring tone to ‘Hey Jude’ every chance he gets, jerk.

“Hey you, what’s up?”  The man across from me rolls his eyes and I flick him off.  He shouldn’t be saying anything with the way he and Jill make all those lovey noises and use pet names.  It’s sick.

“I’m out to lunch with my Boss man, at the moment.  He told me he’d pay.”  I grin when Justin snorts at my comment.  “We haven’t even gotten our food yet, I probably won’t be back to the apartment for another half hour or so.”  John proceeds to tell me that he’s all done running his errands so he’ll just wait for me back at my place.  We say our goodbyes and I hang up.

“I don’t know why he doesn’t just move in with you, he’s always at your place anyway.”

I shake my head.  “Not really.  I don’t let him sleep there that often.  Besides, I’ve decided that I’m not living with anyone until I get married to them.  I’m old fashioned like that.”

“But you’ll have sex with him before marriage.”

“I said I was old fashioned, not stupid.”  He laughs a loud and deep laugh that seems to shake his whole body.  I have to say that this particular laugh of Justin’s happens to be my favorite.  It’s the most genuine and I can’t help but smile along with him.  Just don’t tell him that, I’d never live it down.

“You are something else, Abbey Rhodes, something else.”  Our food is placed in front of us so conversation slows to an occasional mumble.  Just how I like it; seafood and silence. 

Sometimes I question my decision to start up a label and take on artists of my own.  Well, I shouldn’t say that.  I never used to question my decision until I took on Abbey Rhodes and had to spend a ton of time with the girl.

Don’t get me wrong, she’s got some major pipes and she’s extremely talented musically, but Jesus, if she isn’t the annoying little sister I never asked for.

I hired an assistant to help out with all the management, but Trish can be a space shot most of the time, so I end up doing the majority of the work.  It gets pretty hectic at times.  Currently, I’m making sure that audition schedules are set up, and I’m checking the list of musicians to make sure I’ve called everyone I need to.

Abbey is more of a contemporary artist, but we’ve taken a different approach with this album so it’s got more of a pop flare to it.  I think it’ll connect well with the type of audience that comes to my shows.

I heard about Abbey through my cousin and PA, Rachel.  She heard the girl’s stuff on Youtube and wouldn’t leave me alone until I listened to it.  I was wary at first but when I heard her stuff I was really impressed.  She was still fairly amateur when it came to control and things like that, but she had enough raw talent to work with.  She’s come really far since that first audition we had together and I’m proud of her.  Abbey’s a cool chick, I’m glad I get to help her out.

Speaking of Abbey, I need to call her and tell her about auditions.

“When the hell did you get a hold of my phone to change the ring tone!”  Her amused but angry voice floats over my ear piece.  I love messing with this kid.

“Well hey to you too, Abs.  I’m having a great day, how about you?”

“You piss me off so much, do you know that?”

“I love you too, Jude.”  I can’t help but smile at our banter.  It’s a lot of fun to get Abbey riled up.  Her face turns bright red and stays that way for at least fifteen minutes.  It’s funny as hell.

“What do you want, Boss man?” 

“I scheduled auditions for dancers next week, you need to be there.  I also called together the people that are going to be your band, and you’ve got a meeting with them tomorrow at 7.”

“Seven?  Like, seven in the morning?”  She’s whining.  I hate it when she whines.

“Yes, seven in the morning.  You’re a big girl, Abbey, you can get up and make a meeting.  Besides, these are the people that are going to make you sound good on stage, you don’t want to make a bad impression.”  I can almost see her rolling her eyes at me.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.”  There’s some background noise before he voice comes back over the line.  “I’ve got to go, my Mom’s here and she’s making me clean my apartment.  I’ll see you at the studio later and I’ll bring the chips and beer.”

That’s my girl.  “Good.  See you at 3.”

I drop my cell phone on my desk and step out of the office.  I can hear the TV playing in my living room so I pad down the hallway and see my girlfriend stretched out on the sofa.

“Hey baby.”  I kneel over her frame and crawl up the couch until I’m hovered over her body.  She flicks her eyes from the TV for a second to look at me, but she returns them quickly.  This can’t be good.

“You’re blocking my view, Justin.”  I roll off the couch and half fall onto the floor as I try to stand up again.

“Sorry.  I didn’t realize that DIY was so important to you.”  I’m being huffy, but she started it.

“You sure do spend a lot of time on the phone.”  She quips and I force myself to not roll my eyes.  Instead I close them and let out a breath.  This is a very worn out conversation but she can’t seem to leave it alone.

“That’s because I have a lot of business to do and most of that I take care of on the phone.  You know that.  You have to talk on the phone too, when you’re working through acting jobs.”  I can’t believe she’s going to get pissy because I was on the phone for maybe a half hour.  At least I’m actually here, which I won’t be when I take off on tour.

“Yeah, but I don’t spend hours with my female clients and then talk to them even more when we’re apart.”

Wow.

If that isn’t the most jealous thing I’ve heard out of a woman’s mouth, I don’t know what is.

“Are you talking about Abbey?”  She doesn’t look at me, a sure sign.  “Shit, Jill, you can’t seriously think there’s something going on with me and Abbey!” 

“You’ve been spending every day with her for the past month!  I just heard you talking to her on the phone, too!”  She sits up rigid in her seat and her fists are clenched at her sides.  She’s really upset about this.

I could do the mature, boyfriend-ly thing and go to her, calm her down, tell her I love her, and assure her that there’s nothing going on.  But, the male part of my brain is overriding any common sense I may possess and all I can’t think about is the fact that I’m being attacked.

“You are being so fucking ridiculous.”  She makes this squeaky noise that I have come to know means bad news.  “Really, Jill, Abbey is my artist.  She’s on my label.  I produce her albums, and right now she’s got to finish this album up so we can release it.  Of course I’m going to spend time with her.  I also happen to manage her career, which means I have to talk to her on the phone every now and then.”

“Yeah, and next you’re going to leave me here for months while the two of you traipse across the country together.”

Suddenly it dawns on me what this is all about.  Jill isn’t usually the jealous type and I can’t believe she’d start now, but I get it.  This really has very little to do with Abbey.

“You’re worried about me going on tour.”  Her anger cracks a little and I can see the worry on her face along with the start of tears in her eyes.  This time I do the mature thing.

Crossing the room I stop in front of her and drop to my knees, taking her hands in mine.

“You have nothing to be worried about, I swear to you.  I know I’m going to be gone for a while, but you have to understand that this is part of my job, ok?  I’m not leaving you, I’m not breaking up with you, I’m not doing any of the things that you’ve got floating around in that pretty little head of yours, ok?”

She sniffles and slightly nods her head.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers and I give her a small smile.  “I don’t know why I got so worked up…it’s just, I was talking to Lacey and she started telling all these stories about tours and groupies and…”

I hold up my hand to stop her.

“Lacey is a conniving bitch and you should know better than to listen to a word she says.”

“Justin, she’s my sister,” She tries to give me a reprimanding look, but we both know I’m right.

“Sure, she’s from the same set of parents as you are, but that doesn’t mean she knows what she’s talking about when it comes to touring, and especially when it comes to me.”  I don’t often claim to hate people, but Lacey Hawkins is the exception to that rule.  When Jill and I started dating, Lacey took it upon herself to attempt to get into my pants and when I pushed her away and told her that I was with Jill, she got pissed and tried to tell everyone that I’d come on to her and asked her to sleep with me.

Unfortunately for Lacey, Jill had been standing in the door way when it had happened and she’d seen the whole thing.  I don’t know why Jill insists on still being friends with the girl, but I suppose they are sisters…

Anyway, ever since then Lacey has been doing everything possible to sabotage what Jill and I have.  It’s starting to piss me off.  I wasn’t aware that relationships were between three people.

“I know.”  Jill concedes, and we seem to have averted a major fight.  Whew. 

“I won’t be on tour forever, and you can come visit me anytime you want to, OK?”  She nods and smiles at me, “And you have nothing to worry about with me and Abbey.  She’s practically married to one of the Beatles, or she should be, and I’m pretty sure she would even want to think about holding my hand, never mind anything else.”

Jill laughs and I know that things are back to normal.

“She does make fun of you a lot.  She’s kinda mean.”  This time it’s my turn to laugh.

“Baby, you have no idea.”  I make another attempt to crawl on the couch and this time she allows me to take her in my arms and lay the two of us down.  She’s cradled between me and the back of the couch with her head resting on my shoulder, and I know that this is how things should be.  Just like this.

~*~

Jill and I watched TV for another hour or so, cuddling and relaxing.  I then convinced her to join me in the studio with Abbey.  I thought it would kill two birds with one stone, I’d get to spend more time with my girl and I’d get to prove that there’s nothing going on with me and my artist.

Jill sits down on the couch and types away at her Sidekick.  I hope she’s not completely bored today, but I need to focus on getting this album done.

The door busts open and Abbey stumbles in with her arms full of bags and two six packs of beer.

“A little help would be nice,” I jump up from my seat and grab the bags before she drops them all over the floor and makes a mess.  I grin when I see into the bags.  This chick has to be one of my favorite people at the moment.

“Honey barbeque twisted Fritos.  You are a saint.”  She chuckles and hands me a Coors.

“I grabbed some Cheddar Fries too, but I swear, if you eat them all again I’m going to hurt you in a very serious way.”  She glares at me and I just laugh.  A noise across the room grabs my attention and I remember that my girlfriend is here.  Oops.

“Hey Jude, you know Jill.”  I know the two have met before, but I figure it’s the polite thing to do to introduce them again.  Jill nods curtly at Abbey’s ‘hello.’  This might not have been a very good idea.  Sometimes I don’t think about the fact that my girlfriend might not want to spend time with the ‘other woman’ in my life…well, besides my Momma, anyway.  But Jill likes my Momma.  I’m getting way off track here.

“Uh, well, let’s get started, shall we?”  I hope focusing on work will change the atmosphere in this room, which suddenly got tense.

Abbey shrugs and grabs one of the Killians from the pack she brought.  “All right if I bring my beer in?”  I nod at her and motion with my hand for her to go into the booth.

“We’re working on ‘Silence’ today.  You warmed up, right?”

“I sang some scales when I was in the grocery store, does that count?”  I hope the look I’m giving her expresses the fact that I’m not happy.

“Abbey,” She rolls her eyes and I’m starting to wonder if coming to the studio was a good idea at all.  “I told you that you need to come to this studio prepared, now more than ever.   We don’t have a lot of time to get this thing finished and I can’t sit here and waste a shit load of time letting you warm up when you could do it before you get here!”

She sits back on her stool and I can see the bewildered look on her face.  I don’t often get pissy, even when I’m tense.  I’m hoping that it’s not because Jill is watching me like a hawk, but the little voice in the back of my head is telling me to calm down.

“Sorry Justin.  Just give me five minutes and I’ll be ready, ok?”  I don’t answer her, but I nod my head.  I make sure the microphone is off so Jill and I can’t hear her warming up, and I turn to face my girlfriend.

“This is probably going to be really boring for you, Babe.  I’m sorry I dragged you along.”  I rub my hands over my head in an attempt to relax a little.

“It’s OK, I wanted to spend time with you.”  She’s not pouting yet, but I know that after a few hours of me paying all my attention to the girl behind the glass, Jill isn’t going to be very happy.

“Here,” I throw her my keys, “go out and grab some food or go shopping or something.  At least that way you won’t be sitting here the whole time.”  I hand her my credit card too, but she waves it off.

“I’ve got my wallet.  I’ll come back in a couple of hours, OK?”  She pecks me on the cheek before heading out the door.  Maybe now I can focus.  I turn back to the window to see Abbey watching me, and she gives me the thumbs up so I click back on the mic.

“I’m ready when you are, Boss man.”  She seems thrown off by my little outburst, and I really hope that it doesn’t affect how things go today.  I’d hate to waste a day of recording.

“Hey Jude, I’m sorry about that little rant.  I guess I’m just feeling stressed today.”  She smiles at me and I can feel things returning to normal.

“It’s fine,” I know there’s a ‘but’ coming, “You’re not so bad, if you’d just be a little nicer and use a little more soap.”

“Right.”

“The soap’s because you stink, really bad.”

“You can stop quoting ‘Shrek’ now, Abbey.”  Smart ass.

It’s been a really long day and all I want to do is put on my sweat pants and crawl under a blanket.

I finished my album two days ago and today was filled with meetings, press conferences, rehearsals, and more meetings.  I barely had time to eat lunch, which is a sin in my book.  My boss saved me though, he brought me a steak and cheese sub and I’ll be forever in his debt.  Well, maybe until tomorrow, then I’ll go back to annoying him.

Justin has me dancing now too, which I am still pretty sore at him for.  I understand that I have to put on a show, but I think there are other ways to impact a crowd without dancers and impossible moves.  Although, I have one male dancer that is not bad to look at, just don’t tell my boyfriend!

Speaking of John, I haven’t talked to him all day and I’m getting a little upset about it.  He’s usually the person I call when I need to calm down a little, but I couldn’t get a hold of him at all today.  He better be in a ditch or something, because I’m not in the mood for anything less dramatic.

I sigh when I see my apartment door just down the hall.  I wish this hallway would move me toward it so I didn’t have to expend any more energy, but it doesn’t.  I take the few steps necessary and struggle to get the key in the lock.  I just want to get inside.

I let the door bang open and I drop my stuff as soon as I step over the threshold.  Automatically I sense that something is off.  It smells like smoke and candles, neither of which belongs in my apartment.  I can also hear something, a scratching sound, and I’m starting to get freaked out.

“Hello?”  Perhaps it’s a stupid idea for me to make my presence known if there’s a murderer or something in my apartment.  I reach for the closest object I can find, and I end up grabbing a decorative walking stick that my grandpa carved for me when I was little.  I’m not sure how much protection it’ll provide me with, but it makes me feel better to have something in my hands.

I hear something that I’m positive are foot steps, so I brace myself for an attack and get ready to swing. 

“Congratulations!”  I stop short of knocking John out with my stick and it goes flying from my hands and crashes into the lamp at the end of the couch.

“Jesus!  You scared the ever loving shit out of me!”

He cringes at the crash and barely saves the cake in his hands from falling to the floor.  That would explain the smell of smoke and candles.

“Sorry…I wanted to surprise you.”  He shows me the cake and it’s been decorated to look like my CD.  “I thought we could celebrate the completion of your album.”

I smile at him and let the tension fall out of my shoulders.  This totally makes up for not being able to get a hold of him all day.  “Is this why you wouldn’t answer your phone?”

He gives me a sheepish grin and shrugs.  “I’m horrible at lying to you, you know that.  I knew if I spoke to you today you’d know that something was up and I’d end up spoiling my surprise.”

I laugh.  He’s right, too.  The boy can’t lie to save his life, but I adore him for it.

“Well thank you,” I finally take the steps necessary to close the distance and give him a solid kiss.  “Could you take that into the kitchen and poor me a glass of wine, too?  I want to go change.”

I watch as he makes his way back into the kitchen and smile.  I like my men a little lanky, but John has a great ass.  He’s got that Orlando Bloom look, dark hair, beautiful eyes, and he looks good slightly scruffy.  If I could only get him to master that British accent, we’d be all set.

We’ve been dating for a little over a year now, and so far it’s been really great.  We bicker a lot, but it’s the kind of fighting that we know is stupid, and it never gets to any point of real anger.  I worry, though, because I’m leaving for a huge tour and he’s staying here.  We don’t spend every waking moment together, but we’ve never really been apart, either.  I’m not sure how well he’s going to handle me being gone and busy, especially when he can’t really take a lot of time off to come visit.

John’s a graphic designer, and when he first told me that that’s what he did, I had to ask him what it was.  He owns his own company and basically designs logos and t-shirts and all that stuff for other people.  It’s pretty cool, but he has to work hard to keep up revenue and he doesn’t like to take time off.  I sense that this might be a problem.

But for right now, I’m not going to let it worry me.  I’ve got a hunk of a man in the kitchen with cake and wine, I really can’t complain.

~*~

I hate dancing.  No, scratch that, I hate Justin for making me dance.  I understand that I have to put on a show and all that, but I’m sure I could still wow the crowd from a piano bench or a stool.  I mean, I’ve worked hard at my music and I’m confident in my playing skills.  Justin says I need to be a better, well rounded performer.

I think he just likes seeing me squirm.

I’ve been given two male dancers and a female dancer, so there are four of us.  All three of my dancers are incredible, and they’re hot too.  I actually feel slightly upstaged by them, but when I said this to Justin he told me that just means I need to work harder on my dancing.  Jackass.  You know, for a producer and a manager he doesn’t always seem too concerned with what I want.

Currently, I’m sweating my ass off in a studio preparing for a tour that kicks off in a month.  I thought we were going to be headed off sooner, but apparently Justin’s stage show is massive and he needs a lot of time to put it together and work out the kinks.  They’ve been putting this thing together for a while now, I’m pretty curious to see it, actually.

“Stop!  Abbey, you’re behind on the beat, pick it up girl!  Your dancers are making you look bad.”  Marty, Justin’s main henchman (besides Trace) and the world’s worst slave driver likes to yell at me.  He doesn’t settle for anything other than perfection, and I’m pretty sure that I barely reach satisfactory.

“Can we take five?  I need some water.”  He gives me that look—the one that tells me it hasn’t been three hours and a break seems absurd—but he nods.

“Abs, wait up.”  Kevin, Marcy, and Tony jog behind me.  They’re a lot of fun to hang out with, and they’ve been pretty supportive on this whole dancing thing.

“You ok, Girl?”  Tony is the hot one (that my boyfriend will know nothing about) and he’s taken me under his wing.  I appreciate the fact that all of these people are invested in the performance and they’re willing to help.  I feel a little pathetic that I’m supposed to be the star and I’m getting help from my dancers.  Justin will never live this down.

“I’m fine.  Frustrated, but fine.”  I take a long swing of my water.  “I hate dancing.”

They all laugh and I make sure to scowl at each of them.  Marcy throws an arm around my shoulder.

“Don’t worry Abbey, you’re doing fine.  Marty is just uptight, and he’s used to working with Justin, who is so good it’s unnatural.”  Marcy danced with Justin a few times when he was with *NSYNC, so she and I have bonded over our Justin bashing.  It’s a lot of fun.

“I just feel like…a big loser, or something.”  I finish off my water and look at the bottle in hopes that it will refill itself.  No such luck.

Marty calls us back over to the dance floor, but before we can get back Justin comes strutting through the door with his mini-entourage in tow.  Rachel, Trace, Justin, Mick (The bodyguard that earned the nick name Mickey Mouse because his voice is unnaturally high for such a big man, it was just shortened to Mick so he wouldn’t catch on that we were making fun of him) and Jill make their way across the studio and take a place by the mirrors.  Great, just what I wanted, my boss to watch me make a fool of myself.

I watch Justin and Marty do their manly hugging.  Sometimes I think that those two are a little too close, if you know what I mean.  I’ll have to make sure to give Justin shit for it later.

“Hey Jude, how goes the dancing?”  Justin gives me a smile and I want to hit him.  He brings out the violent side of me.

“I hate you, and I hate dancing.”  He actually has the audacity to laugh.  Jerk.

“Well, let’s see what you’ve got so far.”  I make it a point to stare at each of the people that followed him into the room and then shoot him an incredulous look.

“With everyone watching?”  I’m on the verge of throwing a tantrum.  I think it comes from being an only child growing up.  I like to get what I want.

“You’re going to be performing in front of thousands of fans in a month, seven people that you know is nothing.  It should help you do better, anyway.”  He gives me a stern look but I shoot one right back, “No more whining, just dance.”

I roll my eyes but move into place and start to pray.  Well, I say start to pray, I really start to count in my head.  I may be a musician, but for some reason I can’t seem to get my body to do what my head wants.  I’m hoping this is something I can get over.

Marty starts the music and we all move through the steps.  I’m actually surprised that I manage to make it through without any major missteps, and Marty seems pleased too.  Maybe Justin has a point about being in front of a crowd, but I will never giving him the satisfaction of knowing that.

“Not bad, Jude!”  Both Justin and Marty look more relieved than I think they should.  I know I’ve said that I’m horrible, but c’mon, give me a little credit here.

“I have been working my ass off, you know.  I would hope it’s ‘not bad.’”  That earns another chuckle from my boss and I roll my eyes again.  The first few (hundred) times he did that I thought it was the most attractive thing I’d ever heard, but now that I know the man and I’m over my little crush…it’s just annoying.  Well, sometimes the chuckle can be sexy, but this is not one of those moments.

“All right, guys, we’re done for the day.  Justin tells me he needs Abbey anyway, so we’ll pick this up tomorrow.”  I silently praise my boss for putting an end to my misery. 

“See you later, Abs,” I give a wave to my dancers as the three of them collect their stuff and exit the room.  I’m glad to have people that I get along with and like to be around.  I think that this tour is going to be a lot of fun, especially with the three of them around to help me pass the time.

I throw a towel around my neck and make my way over to the group.  Justin’s still caught up in a conversation with Marty and Trace, so I stop and say hi to Rachel.  She’s a huge part of why I’m even here and I think she’s a kick ass chick.  I’ve often wondered how she and Justin could be related.  I guess I’ll never know.

I don’t miss the way that Jill is eyeing me up from her position next to Justin.  She’s got this death stare aimed at me and I’m starting to get a little pissy.  I almost laugh when she puts a protective arm around Justin as if marking her territory.  I’m tempted to tell her that pissing on him would work just as well too, but I don’t have the energy at this point.

“What’s up with evil eyes over there?”  I quietly ask Rachel and she takes a moment before spotting the glaring Jill.

“Oh, well.  That’s attractive.”  Rachel isn’t a huge fan of Jill, either, but Justin seems to be happy with her and the girl hasn’t done anything horrible.  Except get on our nerves.  “She’s probably just jealous that you’re such a kick ass dancer.”

I give her the bird.  “You’re almost as funny as your cousin, really.”  She laughs at me and I’m getting a little upset with this family.  They are totally not nice people sometimes. 

OK, I’m being a whiney bitch.  I’m sure I’ll get over it.

“Hey Jude, get over here.”  Justin bellows across the studio and I shuffle over to him, making sure to exaggerate my fatigue.

“I hate you for making me dance,” I pout at him while I throw my arms around Trace and rest my head on his shoulder.  I wipe some sweat onto him and he pushes me off with a ‘hey!’

“I’m sure you do, but you’re about to love me despite all that.”  He gives me a cocky grin and I immediately become wary.

“What did you do?”  I’m just waiting to here that he signed me up for ballet so I can do a routine of stage or something.  He would, too.

He manages to look slightly wounded before he finally tells me his news.  “I’m taking you over to check out the stage.  It’s been set up and I want you to get a chance to walk through it.”

Well holy shit.  I’m actually really excited about this.

“Seriously?”  I’m on the verge of jumping up and down, but for the moment I manage to contain my excitement.

“Yeah, grab your stuff.  We’re headed there now.”  This time I let out a whoop of enthusiasm and jump on Trace’s back.  Normally I would’ve jumped on Justin, but I’m still getting the death rays from his lady friend and I don’t want to do anything to provoke the beast.  Hah, beast.

I’m such a bitch sometimes.

I’ve been given a lot of amazing opportunities in my lifetime, and I’ve had many chances to do things that some people only dream of.  I guess I can get a little desensitized to some things, just because I’ve seen and done a lot. 

But for the record, I am so incredibly excited about this tour I can’t even believe it’s really mine.  I’ve been waiting to be able to put something like this together, it’s a dream come true.

“Holy shit.”  Abbey’s voice sounds beside me and I take it she’s excited about this too.  “Justin…this thing is…”

“Amazing, incredible, awesome?”  I supply some words for her, but by the look she’s giving me it’s not the direction she was headed in.

“Huge!”  She scans across the arena again.  “Seriously, I’m going to lose 50 pounds just walking to the other side!”

“Thanks, I think.”  She runs across the stage and jumps up onto the upper section.  I’m enjoying her excitement because I’ve worked really hard for this tour and I’m happy to share it with someone else.  I’m worried about how she’s going to handle the audience size and the overall massiveness of this tour, but I’m sure she’ll get it over time.  She’s got talent, that’s for sure.

“Hey, does this thing move?”  She’s standing in the center of the stage, obviously pointing to the circle in the middle.

“Actually, most of the stage moves.”  I point out the other sections that’ll slide around too, and I’m tempted to pick up the jaw that’s fallen to the floor.

“Holy shit.”

“You said that already,” Trace has made his way up to where Abbey is standing, and he takes his finger and taps her mouth closed.  I knew we were best friends for a reason.  “You’re going to catch flies, girl.”

“I just can’t believe how massive this stage is.  Not to mention the arena itself…there are going to be thousands of people here!”  She twirls around for a moment before getting too dizzy and dropping to the floor.

I laugh a little before scanning the room for the rest of the people with me.  I spot Rachel sitting with Mick on the edge of the stage.  She’s laughing at something, and I have a feeling that it might be partly due to the pitch of his voice.  He’s been with me for years now and I still catch myself wanting to chuckle.

Jill has parked herself in one of the stadium seats and she’s not looking very happy.  I had told her we were going to go out to lunch, which we sort of did.  It just happened that Rachel wanted to tag along, and then Trace decided to join in, so it became a group thing.  Then I got a call from management telling me that the stage was ready for me to check out so I wanted to get Abbey and bring her along.

That didn’t sit very well with my girlfriend.

I’ll have to make it up to her later.  Maybe tonight I’ll make her dinner and kick everyone else out of the house so it’s just the two of us.  She’d like that.

“Boss man!”  Abbey screeches and I’m moved from my thoughts.

“Hey Jude.”  I jog over to where she and Trace are standing, still a little in awe from the view.  This tour is going to kick ass.

“Where is the backstage?”  She spins again, a puzzled look on her face.

“There is no backstage.”  I grab her arm and pull her over to the stairs, pointing into the dark.  “We hang out under the stage.”

Her mouth forms into an ‘o’ but she doesn’t say anything.  I slap her on the back and grin at her.

“Tomorrow they’re going to be setting up all of the electrical components, so we’ll be able to move the stage and see what all that looks like.  At the end of the week we’re starting rehearsals on the stage so we have plenty of time to get used to it.”

“Boss man…”  She turns to me, slightly pale in the face.  “If I wasn’t scared shitless before, you’ve certainly done it now.”  I have to laugh because I know she’s telling the truth.

“All right, I think you’ve had enough torture for the day.  Let’s get out of here, I’ve got to go home and tend to my lady anyway.”  Abbey turns a little and sneaks a glimpse at Jill before grimacing at me.

“She doesn’t look to happy with you, Boss.  You might want to go fix that scowl, or she might end up looking like that all the time.”  There’s a pause and I know that she’s not finished.  “Come to think of it, though…she does seem to look like that--” I cut her off before she can say anything too damaging.  I’m not sure how well sound can carry in this place and I don’t want anything to be overheard.

“Enough out of you, peanut gallery.”  I raise my voice to catch the attention of Rachel and Mick, “We’re moving out.  Let’s go.”

We all shuffle back out into the parking lot and jump into the SUV and I make sure to sit next to Jill and try and sweet talk her.  She seems to relax a little and I wrap my arm around her shoulders and pull her to me.  I can hear Trace and Abbey making noises that resemble kissing in the back and I turn around to send them a steely glare.  The last thing I need is my girlfriend to hear and get pissy all over again.  She’s usually really relaxed and laid back, but for some reason being around Trace or Rachel or Abbey makes her uncomfortable.

“Hey Mick,” Abbey’s voice sounds in my ear and I cringe a little.  “Can you drop me at the studio?  My car is there.”

“That’s where I was headed.”  She thanks him and sits back.

“Finally get your car back, Jude?”  I’m surprised that John’s car is finally fixed, it seemed like every time she was about to get her car back something new would come up.  Although, I’m under the impression that he just liked driving around in a girly car.  I’ve always thought he was a little…fruity.

“Yes!  It’s about time too, I was really tired of not having my wheels.”  Trace makes a comment about her taste in vehicles, causing her to slap him upside the head.  “Leave my car alone!  So what if I like pink, I am a girl.”

“Really?  I never would’ve guessed.”  Trace earns another slap with that one.  No wonder he always seems a little slow, it’s because he’s constantly getting beat up by women.  Idiot.

We pull into the parking lot of the dance studio and Abbey crawls her way over the seat and climbs out, knocking me in the head in the process.  I swear, she is not the most graceful person I’ve ever met.  “Hey!  Watch it, twinkle toes!”  I get a cheeky grin in response.

“Rach, give me a call tomorrow.”  She jumps out and we all say goodbye before finally getting back on the road.  I love Abbey, really, and I love Trace and Rachel, but I’m so ready to just be alone with my girl and I can’t wait for everyone to leave.  I sense that Jill’s ready to be alone, too.

When we reach my house I send Jill inside and grab Trace and Rachel before they can go in and make themselves comfortable.

“Guys, I need you to leave for the night, ok?  I want to be alone with Jill.”  They don’t look really happy about this, but I don’t care.

“Dude, your house is big enough, you won’t even know we’re around.  You can be alone with her anytime you want.”  For a man that considers himself pretty smooth with the ladies, he’s not catching on here.

“It doesn’t matter how big my house is, I want to be alone.  I want to be able to run around naked if I want to, and I just want you guys out for the night.”  This time I get a look from Rachel, but it’s probably more from the naked comment.

“Don’t worry, Justin, we’ll be out.  I need to grab some stuff, but we’ll be gone in ten minutes.”  Even though I know she doesn’t care for Jill, she’s really great about knowing what I need and when I really want to be alone.  I do love my cousin.

“Thanks Rach.”  I turn to Trace who doesn’t look happy, but he’s not making a fuss about it.  Good, I’d have to kick his ass if he did.  He waits out by the cars as Rachel and I go into the house.  She promises me again that she’ll only be a minute and she runs to my office.  I leave her be, knowing that her word is good, and I go in search of my girlfriend.  I find her laying on the couch in the entertainment room, a pillow clutched under her chest and her eyes shut tightly.  She looks upset, and really I can’t blame her.  I had promised her a day out together and it ended up about work. Again.

“Hey baby.”  I speak softly so I don’t startle her, but she seems to know I was already there.  She doesn’t open her eyes or say anything to, instead she shifts over so I can sit down on the edge of the couch next to her.  “I’m really sorry about today.”

This time she opens her eyes and shrugs a little.  “It’s OK.”  I don’t believe it, but she’s trying.

“No, it’s not OK.  I was supposed to take you out to lunch and it ended up being about work and everything else.  I’m sorry about Trace and Rachel, too.  They don’t seem to understand that taking you out to lunch isn’t an invitation for them too.”

She shrugs again, rolling over so she’s on her side, the pillow still clutched to her chest.  “I know that you have a lot to do before this tour starts, I just…”  She let’s out a breath and her bands flutter from the air.  It’s kinda cute, actually.  “I want to see you as much as possible before you take off.  We don’t have a lot of time together.”

I’m confused for a minute.  “I don’t leave for a month, and you said you were coming out with me for the first week or so.”  Now I’m a little worried that she’s backing out on me.  I want her there as much as she wants to be there, or so I thought.

She shakes her head a little.  “I can’t.  I have to be on set in two weeks.” 

Wait, what?  On set?  This means…

“You got the part?”  My discouragement is being replaced by excitement for her when she nods in the affirmative.  “Seriously?  How long have you know?”

“I found out yesterday.  I was going to tell you at lunch today, but…well…”  She trails off, a small smile creeping its way onto her face.  This news would explain her behavior and why she seemed really thrown off when our lunch date turned into a group thing.

“Jill!  This is so exciting!”  I reach for her and move her off the couch so I can properly pick her up and spin her around.  “Congratulations!” 

She’s been waiting for a role like this for a long time, and while it’s not the movies like she wanted, she landed a part on “General Hospital” and I think it’s a pretty big deal.  Now, I certainly don’t spend my time watching soap operas (I am a little bit more of a man than that) but my Mom talks about them all the time, and Rachel and Abbey are constantly speaking another language when they discuss the drama in Port Charles.  Yes, it makes me sick that I even know that much.

“You’re not mad that I can’t go on tour with you?”  I’m brought back from my reverie to see apprehensive brown eyes starring at me.

“Mad?  Baby, why would I be mad?  This is what you’ve been working so hard for!  I’m really happy for you.”  I kiss her to let her know I mean it, and I can feel her relax underneath my hands.  This does mean that I won’t be getting to see my girlfriend for any significant amount of time until I get back from the tour, but I’m just happy that she’s finally getting some substantial work.

“I’m really excited too, Justin.  The writers say they’ve got some big plans for my character and I just…” She’s starting to gush and it makes me happy to see her excited about something.  She’s been a little moody lately because she’s been out of work and no one seemed to have any roles for her.  This will be good, I think.

“Well, we need to celebrate.”  I announce, moving toward the kitchen to grab whatever alcohol I have in the fridge.  Luckily, there is a bottle of champagne, but before I can open it her hands stop me.

“Can we just hang out and watch a movie or something?  I don’t need a celebration, I just want to be with you.”  I put the bottle down and pull her body into mine, wrapping my arms around her waist tightly.

“Sure we can.  I just thought you might want to do something a little more exciting than hang around with me.”  She looks up at me, her chin resting on my chest.

“Being here, with you, is all the excitement I need.  I’ve been waiting all day to get you alone and I don’t want to cloud it up with alcohol or anything like that.  I just want you to hold me tonight.”  Her words are soft and I realize just how much I’ve neglected being with her over the past couple of weeks.

I gently kiss her forehead and propel her toward the stairs.  “That sounds wonderful.”  I lead her to the bed and make her sit down before I turn on the TV and pop in a movie.  A relaxing night actually sounds like a really good idea.  “What movie?”

“I don’t care,” she gives me a shrug when I turn to look at her.  “Nothing too violent, please, I don’t want to have nightmares.”  I laugh a little, knowing full well that she’s somewhat serious. 

“How about ‘101 Dalmatians’?”  She grins at me and I pop in the DVD.  Unfortunately for my man card, this happens to be my favorite Disney movie, but for my masculinity’s sake, I pretend that it’s really Jill’s.  It makes me feel better to tell people that the collection of girly or sappy movies belong to my girlfriend, even though most of them don’t believe me.

I strip down to my boxers and crawl onto the bed next to Jill.  She’s already changed into one of my t-shirts and slid down under the covers, so I climb in and pull her to me.  I have to say that I love these moments between us, when we’re really not doing much of anything.  They’re becoming few and far between, and I hope that we don’t lose them completely when I take off on tour and she starts filming, but I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

“Thanks, babe.”  She smiles up at me for a moment and I take the opportunity to kiss her softly.

“Hey, this is your night, no need to thank me.”  She adjusts herself so her arms are around my torso and her head is in the crook between my neck and shoulder.  I give her a squeeze and turn my attention back to the movie, content with things as they are.  I only wish that they could stay this way forever, even though I know they won’t.

The music is blaring so loudly that I can barely hear myself think, but the buzz I’ve got going on has got me so I don’t really care.

I cast a glance out into the crowd below me and grin when I spot the man that’s responsible for this party and my current happiness.  Right now, there are hundreds of people celebrating the release of my album and I can’t quite wrap my head around it all.  Today was a whirl wind of promotions and interviews and celebrations all leading up to tonight.  My album will be released at the stroke of midnight and I’m about ready to pee my pants in anticipation.

I have no idea if people are going to like my music or not.  I put in a lot of work on that album, and Justin assures me that it’s a hit, but with today’s market, I’m not sure I believe him.  I suppose I’ll have to wait until the numbers come out.

To be honest, I’m enjoying myself but I’m also absolutely exhausted.  We had the video shoot for my first single, and that finished up in the wee hours of this morning.  I had enough time to grab a shower, change, and eat something, but then I was thrown right into today’s promotion and I can’t remember the last time I slept.  John is here with me, and he’s been trying his best to keep me awake and enjoying myself, but I’m getting close to that line of exhausted/cranky.

“Hey babe,” John places his hand on my shoulder and hands me a glass.  I eye him skeptically but he just smiles.  “Don’t worry it’s water.”

“Thanks.”  I lean on him, allowing his arms to wrap around me and support my weight.  I really want to go home, but I don’t want to leave my own party.  I’m not sure anyone would really care, especially since the majority of these people are strangers to me, but I know Justin worked really hard on pulling this together and I don’t want to disappoint him.

“Are you ready to go home?  You look about ready to pass out.”  John’s lips find my temple and I let out a sigh.  Yes, I’m ready to go home and never leave my bed again, but I think I should make at least one more appearance.

“One more dance, so I can say goodbye to Justin, and then we can take off.”  John looks a little apprehensive, he’s not much of a dancer either, but he nods his head and leads me out of VIP and down to the dance floor.

It takes us a second to find Justin, but we manage to bust through the people swarming him.  He’s dancing with Rachel and Trace in a sort of group, and he’s currently doing the running man.  He must be drunk to be dancing like that in public.

“Jude!”  He shouts at me, a lazy grin on his face.  “Where have you been?  Get over here girl, we need to dance!”  Now I know he’s drunk, because Justin would never voluntarily ask me to dance if he were sober.  Despite what he says about me being able to learn how to dance, he knows I have no rhythm.

“I think I’ll pass on that one, I’ve got my own man.”  I pull John close.  I know he hates dancing too, but I need the moral support at the moment.  He’ll get over it.  Luckily the tempo of the music slows down just a bit and John and I are able to sway to the music without looking too lost or ridiculous.

“Are you enjoying yourself?”  Justin’s lazy smile is replaced by a serious concern and I give him a grin and nod my head.

“You outdid yourself on this one, Boss man.  I wasn’t expecting anything at all, forget a huge bash like this.”  His grin returns and he pulls Rachel into him, swinging her around until she stumbles into Trace.  Now I’m really happy that I declined to dance with him.

I do notice that Justin’s girlfriend is MIA and I’m surprised that she isn’t here, eating up the attention that would no doubt be thrown upon her.

OK, my exhaustion has just crossed the line into cranky.

The DJ interrupts my thoughts by announcing the time and declaring that my album has officially been released into stores.  A wave of dizziness falls over me and I lose focus for a moment as I’m passed from person to person, hug to hug.  I can’t keep the smile off my face though, and I can’t actually believe this moment is here.

“Congratulations, Jude!”  Justin’s hug is the longest and the tightest, but he’s worked just as hard on this album as I have, so this is just as much a moment for him, too.

“I can only hope the numbers don’t disappoint you.”  I can’t stop my apprehension, even though it’s keeping me from fully enjoying this moment.  I get a side long glance from my boss and he looks about ready to lecture me, but someone else grabs his attention and I’m able to escape back to the safety of John.

“You ready to go, babe?”  He wipes my hair from my eyes and smiles at me.  This time the dizziness is less from the alcohol and completely from this man.  He’s certainly got charm.

“Let me say goodbye to these guys and then we can go.  OK?”  I watch him nod before turning around and grabbing Trace by the shoulders.  He turns in shock, but smiles when he sees me.

“Hey lady, how are you feeling?”  He starts to dance with me, but I manage to push him back enough and disarm him with a smile.

“Exhausted, actually.  John and I are going to head home.  Thanks for coming.”  I give him a hug and ignore his protests which eventually turn into perverted comments about John and me.  Rachel’s next, and she gives me another hug before pushing me into Justin.

“Hey Jude, taking off?”  Apparently I’m easy to read.  I nod my head and he grins, catching me in another tight hug.  If I didn’t know these people as well as I do, I would be screaming about personal space violations.

“Thanks for everything, Justin.  This…this is all amazing.”  I take a second to glance around the club and I’m in awe that this is all for me.

“Anything for my best artist,” He grins because he knows I’m his only artist.  “Go home, get some rest.  I’ll call you in the afternoon with rehearsal schedules and all of that.”

“See ya, Boss man.”  I wave one last time before finally getting back over to John and heading for the door.

The air outside is a lot cooler than I expected, but that might be because of all the body heat in that club.  I’ve never been a big partier, but tonight was fun and I hope that my album manages to live up to all the hype.

John leads me toward the curb and I assume he’s going to hail a cab but he pulls me into his side and directs me down the street.

“Let’s walk.”  I’m about to protest, but he seems determined, so I follow along quietly.  Neither of us drove tonight, expecting to be too intoxicated to drive so we had planned to catch a taxi back to my place.  I don’t live that far away, but I certainly hope that John doesn’t plan on us walking all the way back, my feet would never forgive me for these heels.

The city is surprisingly quite tonight, but it’s a nice change from the norm.  I take a second to get in a deep breath and relax a bit.  I know I still have a lot of work ahead of me, but getting this album out was a huge first step.

“Did you have fun?”  He links our fingers together and lets our hands sway.

“I did.  I think Justin went a little over the top, but I’m excited and I’m glad we all got to celebrate.”  I pause for a moment, reflecting on this past year.  “I never thought I’d make it here.”

“Why not?”

“Oh, I don’t know.  I guess I just never imagined that I would be a part of something like this.  I’ve always wanted to make music…I just never thought that people would want to hear the music I made.”

I look up to catch his smiling eyes and I can’t help but smile back.

“Well, I’m proud of you, and I always love to listen to the music you make.”  He stops abruptly, and I’m pulled back a little bit.  I throw him a glare but he just grins and pulls me into the door next to him.

It doesn’t take me long to recognize that this is a music store, and I’m a little taken aback to see my face plastered on album covers and posters.  Apparently, this CD is a big deal.  John lets go of my hand and heads over to the display, taking a CD and running his fingers over my face.

“You’re much prettier in person.”  I laugh at the silly smile on his face.

“Thank you, baby.  You’re such a gentleman.”  I watch as he picks up one more CD and heads over to the register.  “John, what are you doing?  I’ve got a bunch of CDs at home, you don’t need to buy one.”

He throws me a crooked grin.  “What kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn’t support my girl’s career?”  He pays the guy at the counter who hasn’t stopped gawking at me since we walked in the store.  I’m tempted to flip him off but I’m sure that wouldn’t look very good.  He’s probably just not used to seeing artists buying their own albums…and I suddenly feel pathetic.

“You really don’t have to do that.”  I say when he comes back over to me.  “And why did you get two?”

“One, so I can listen to…”  He opens the door for me, a grin still resting on his lips.  “And the other so I can get it autographed and keep it as a collectable.  This is going to be worth some major cash someday, and I’ll be able to say ‘I knew her when’…”

I stop walking for a second so I can stare at him.  I really can’t believe that this man is mine, and that he’s such an incredible goober for doing something like this.  I’m honestly touched and I’m about to get misty on him, so I start walking again and grab his hand in mine.

“Love you,” I say softly, because I’m too wrapped up in this moment to manage anything else.

“Love you too, Abbey.” He plants a kiss on my temple and we walk for a bit in silence.

After a while my feet are just too sore to keep going, so we hail a cab and I’m almost asleep when we get to the apartment.  I must be more asleep than I thought, because the next thing I know I’m being carried down the hall to my apartment. Tonight has been close to perfect.

~*~

Despite any vehement declarations to the opposite, I actually have a pretty big soft spot for my boss.  Just do me a favor and don’t mention it to him, I can’t have my reputation being ruined here.

Currently, he’s standing in front of me with a bouquet of flowers and a tape that I’m assuming to be my music video.  He gives me a smile and congratulates me again for the release of my album.  I let out a squeal and give him a hug, grabbing the tape from his hands and going into the living room.

“Where do you want these?”  He points to the flowers.

“Oh, sorry.” I get up and grab them from him, taking them into the kitchen to find something to put them in.  I’m surprised about the flowers, and I’m even more surprised that he’s here in person, but I won’t complain.

“Here’s the final cut of your video.”  He explains as he pops the tape into my TV.

“I figured as much.”  I sit on the couch, and he plops down at the other end, kicking off his shoes and propping his feet on the coffee table.  “To what do I owe this visit?  I thought you were going to call me today.”

“I was, but I figured it would be easier to go over the schedule in person.  The last time you heard something you didn’t like you hung up on me—”  I cut him off.

“I did not hang up on you!  I lost the call!”  Seriously, I girl loses a call with her boss once and he never lets it go.  The grin on his face tells me he’s enjoying the rise he got out of me, so I grab a pillow and smack him across the chest.

He grunts. “Geeze, woman.  No need to get violent.”  I stick my tongue out in response and pick up the remote so I can start the video.

I’m pretty excited to see it, actually.  Justin got the bright idea of making this a more laid back, behind the scenes type of video, and I’m curious to see how it came out.  We were given a couple of cameras to film with during rehearsals, and then we shot some scenes with the whole group of us just hanging out and being goofy.  The only performance scenes come from rehearsals, so it was really easy for me.

I laugh at the opening scene.  Trace has decided that sticking straws up his nose is something he needs to do more often.  Ever since Justin’s Pepsi commercial, Trace thinks he’s the funniest thing to walk the earth.  None of us have the heart to tell him that he just looks stupid.

“You don’t look half bad up there, Jude.”  I give Justin a pointed glare when he comments on my dancing.  I tried to keep people from filming the dance rehearsals, but they managed to do it anyway.

“I think it came out well.”  I rewind the tape when it ends, throwing the remote back on the coffee table.  “So, how busy will I be?”

The grin on Justin’s face tells me that I’m not going to like this.

“We start rehearsing on the stage tomorrow, and that’s where we’ll be until the tour starts.  You have appearances to make in New York this coming weekend, so you’ll be flying out Friday morning and coming back Sunday night.  Then on Monday you start press here in LA, and we’ve lined up radio stations for you and a couple of interviews. The tour pulls out next Thursday and we head off to…”  He trails off, “Well, whatever city we’re starting in.”

I take a moment to let it all soak in.

I knew that my life was about to get hectic but I don’t think I was prepared for all of this.  I think of the fact that I’m probably not going to get to see John for any length of time after today, and that thought scares me a little.  Of course, it doesn’t scare me half as much as the idea of starting this tour.  I’ve watched Justin’s rehearsals, this bitch is going to be huge.

“Are you still with me, Jude?”  He’s waiving a hand in front of my face and I shake my head, trying to bring back my focus.

“Yeah, I’m still here.”  I bring my feet up and tuck them underneath me, turning a bit so I’m facing him.  “Just a little overwhelmed, I guess.  This is pretty scary.”

He reaches over to ruffle my hair, something he knows I hate.  I slap his hands away and glare at him.  He grins, “You’ll be fine.  I’m sending Trish with you to New York.  I’d go, but I have to stay here and make sure this tour comes together.  But I’ll be with you in LA, and you’re going to be just fine.  You’ve got a kick ass album and a kick ass video and everyone’s going to love you.  Relax.”

“Easy for you to say, Mr. I-sell-millions-of-records-because-I’m-just-that-fabulous.”  He laughs, that deep, vibrating chuckle.  “I guess I’m just scared about being able to keep up, you know?  I’ve never done this before and…well…I don’t want to get left behind.”

He waves a hand at me, dismissing my fears.  “You’ll fall into the swing of things, I promise.  Once all the press stuff is over with you’ll be able to focus on the tour and that’ll become old hat in no time.  Plus, you’ve got me, Trace, and Rachel out there with you.”

“Well, gee, that makes me feel a whole lot better.”  My sarcasm doesn’t miss him, and this time he smacks me with a pillow.  I manage to snatch it from his hands and tuck it behind my head before he can do too much damage.

“So, where’s lover boy?  I figured the two of you would still be in bed today.”

“He got called into the studio.  I guess there’s an issue with one of the new clients and they couldn’t figure it out so John had to go in today.  He’s going to be pissed when he finds out that this is really my last day off.”

“He can come on tour with you any time.  You know that, right?  You can have as many visitors as you want, just let security and booking know and we can place them on the list.”

I shrug my shoulders and start to pick at my nails.  It’s an old habit that followed me out of childhood and I’ve never really managed to shake it.  I always have to do something with my hands, especially when I’m nervous.  “He said that he’ll try and make it out, but he’s really busy with his company right now.”

Justin must sense my sudden sadness, because he punches me in the knee to get my attention.

“Cheer up, Jude.  Even if he can’t come visit, you’ll be busy enough and the tour will be over before you know it.”

I shrug again, not really sure what to say.  It’s nice to hear that things will work out, but at the same time, it’s coming from someone that’s had years to practice this type of stuff.  I’m new to it all, especially the long distance relationship part.  I love being with John and he makes me incredibly happy, I hate to think of things going sour because of my job or his.

“I’ve got to get going, I told Jill I’d pick her up from taping and take her out to lunch.”

That reminds me, “Oh, tell her that I watched her episode of GH the other day.  She was really good.”  Justin looks impressed.  I think he knows how hard it is for me and Jill to get along, especially with her constant death glares.  I don’t think he ever expected me to compliment the girl, but she is on my favorite soap opera.

“Will do.”  He stand up and runs his hands down his pants, taking one last glance around the room before grabbing the tape from the VCR.  “Get some rest today, Jude.  You’re going to need it.”

I wave and him and thank him again, not bothering to walk him to the door.  He’s a big boy, he can show himself out.

Right now I’m just completely overwhelmed with the prospect of touring and what it’s going to mean for my life.  The press buzz has started to get a little bit louder with the release of my album, and I’m afraid that it’s only going to get worse with time.  Here’s hoping that I can make it through all this in one piece.

I love being on tour.  I love getting up on that stage every night and getting to see the people that have made my career possible.  It’s such a humbling moment, and it’s so incredible to stand up there and connect with an audience that wants to share these moments with me.

Unfortunately, I can’t just hop on a bus and start touring whenever I want to.  There is a lot that goes into putting these things together, especially a tour of this magnitude.  I’ve been in the business since I was fourteen, and twelve years later I’m finally getting the chance to have the things I want on this tour.  It’s kind of a dream come true.

Right now, though, I’m in the midst of making sure this tour actually goes off.  There have been a few issues with the sound, so we’re making sure that’s fixed before we move on.  Then I need to run rehearsals with the dancers and the band, because there’s a lot of choreography in my stage show.  I mean…everything has to be synchronized.  And yes, I purposely avoided saying in sync. 

The dancers we’ve got are sick, though, and I have all the confidence in the world that after a few run-throughs we’re going to be fine.  I wanted this show to be funky and hot and everything all at once.  I’m excited to put it on in front of a crowd.

I will say that on top of this being the biggest tour I’ve ever done, I’m also managing the career of an artist, and this is the biggest tour she’s ever done.

I sent Abbey off to New York this morning after a meeting with the staff of Tennman Records, and she’ll have more meetings with the people at Jive when she lands.  This poor girl has no idea what she’s in for, really.  I’ve been trying to prepare her as best I can, but there’s really no preparation like practice.  She’ll survive. 

She’ll just hate me before it’s all over.

I’m starting to get a little bit stressed out about everything.  I’ve put a lot on my plate, and I worry about missing something, or forgetting something, or messing something else up.  I mean, not only do I have to worry about all my shit, but I’ve got to make sure things go well for Abbey too.  I have asked Johnny to give me some help, and he’s making sure he keeps an eye on things.  That makes me feel better, although, not much.

I’ve also got Jill to worry about.  She’s been keeping busy with the whole soap opera thing, but I know she’s freaking.

Over the years I’ve discovered those friends that are going to stick with me even if I’m gone for months at a time, and those are the people that are still in my life.  Now, that means that I don’t have a whole lot of close friends, but the people that I surround myself with are some kick ass friends.  It’s hard to leave people behind for months while I tour, and it’s really hard to keep in touch with everyone.  Somehow I manage, but it’s probably the one part of being on tour that I don’t really look forward to.

I’ve done the long distance relationship thing before, it’s not fun.  But now that Jill’s got her thing going, there’s not much I can do about the distance.  She’s got to be in LA for filming, and I’ve got to be wherever I am.  I’m hoping that she’ll get a break or two so I can fly her out, but I don’t know yet.  Neither does she, and that’s why she’s freaking.  I haven’t figured out if she’s worried about me and groupies or whatever, or if she’s just worried about my absence in general.  She and I have never really been apart for any significant amount of time.  I mean, I’ve been in LA mostly, and so has she.

I’m trying not to let it all get to me, but I’m feeling a lot of pressure at the moment.  Perhaps it’s my perfectionist nature, but I really hate to think that I’m letting anyone down, most of all myself.

The sound guy signals to me, so I grab my microphone and do a couple tests.  Things sound a hell of a lot better than they did before, so I give him the thumbs up and call to my dancers and band.

“All right, guys.  Let’s get to work.”  Marty joins me on stage and we discuss what we really need to work on and what we can let go for now.  I don’t think we’re quite ready for a full run through, but there are a lot of transitions that we need to get down.  It’s going to be a long day.

~*~

With a huge sigh, I shuffle out to my car and wave goodbye to the crew and dancers.  We spent a total of eight hours dancing today and I think I’m ready to pass out.  I know it’ll get easier after a while, but this first week is going to suck. 

I can’t wait to just get on the road and perform.  Enough of this technical stuff.

My phone beeps and I have a message from Jill.  Apparently she’s stuck at the studio tonight so we won’t be getting together.  Just as well, I’m not sure how much fun I’d be tonight anyway.  I plan on taking a hot shower and catching the episode of TRL that Abbey was on today.  I promised her I’d TiVo it so I could tell her how it went.  I’m sure she did fine, but I know how much she needs to hear encouragement at this point.

Besides, I’m curious to see it anyway.

Buckley and Brennan jump all over me as I walk through the door, and I can’t help but laugh as they trip all over themselves just to get to me.  There’s nothing like coming to adoration and unconditional love.

“All right you beasts, get out of my way.”  There’s a note from Trace on my kitchen counter saying that he fed the dogs, so I let them out back to run around for a while.  Even if it won’t tire them out, it’ll get ‘em out of my hair for a little bit.

I turn on the over and throw in a frozen pizza before running up stairs and jumping in the shower.  I’ve managed to work a routine out so my pizza will be done by the time I’m back down stairs.  Can you tell I’ve done this quite a few times before?

I take a minute to just enjoy the heat of the water and let it relax my muscles before lathering up.  Jill bought me this new soap that will supposedly prevent me from getting dry skin, but if you ask me it just makes me smell like a woman.  I’ll have to make a note to get something else when I leave for tour. 

Just as I planned, my pizza is perfectly cooked when I get back down stairs.  I let the dogs back in and head to the entertainment room with a beer and my food.  At this point I think I’ll just barely make it through her interview before I pass out, I’m that exhausted.

I skip through the beginning and the fist couple of music videos until they bring Abbey out.  I don’t really like Damien, he gets on my nerves.  I mean, he’s all right as far as vj’s go, but sometimes I think he’s a little too old to be hosting a show like TRL.  I suppose, whatever butters your bread.

I stop when I spot Abbey making her entrance, and I have to admit that she looks pretty cute in her jeans and t-shirt.  I get a slight swell of pride when I notice that her outfit is all William Rast, and I’ll have to thank her for the advertisement next time we talk.  There’s nothing like a hot chick wearing your clothes to get them sold.

“Hey Abbey!”  Damien hugs her, and aside from looking slightly uncomfortable, she seems to be mostly calm. 

“Hey!”  She waves to the audience who let out a chorus of screams.  “Hey guys!”  I wonder how much of their applause is manufactured, but I’m hoping that it’s all genuine for Abbey’s sake.

“So, Abbey Rhodes.  Like the Beatles album?”  I laugh at the sharp roll of her eyes as she throws a fake smile in Damien’s direction.

“Yeah, my parents thought they were pretty clever.”

“I think it’s cute.”  He’s totally hitting on her and she’s not even acknowledging it.  I love it!  “So you’re debut album was released earlier this week, how does it feel?”

She shrugs a bit.  “It hasn’t really sunk in yet.  I mean, it’s a little surreal.  I’ve been waiting for a moment like this my entire life, it’s a little hard to wrap my head around now.”

“I can imagine.”  I can tell that my name is about to come up, and I’m right.  “So you worked with Justin Timberlake on this album, right?”  Another round of screams comes from the females in the audience and Abbey grins.

“Yes.  He signed me to his label about a year ago, and we worked most of that year on this album.  He even sings on one track.”  I laugh as the screams get louder.

“You were discovered on You Tube, right?”

“Yeah.  A friend of mine actually posted some videos of me doing karaoke gigs, and Justin’s cousin found me and told him he had to sign me.”  She turns to the audience a bit, “So, all you aspiring singers, start posting!” 

“How is it working with an artist like Justin?  I hear he’s pretty serious in the studio.”  This earns a laugh from my protégé.

“You could say that.  I like to think that he’s possessed when he gets into the studio, but that’s just me.”  She chuckled again. “No, he’s great to work with.  He really knows what he’s doing and what sounds good and it was a lot of fun to get to be around talent like that.”   I can’t help but grin, I’m going to give her so much shit for that.

“He’s in your video, too, isn’t he?  For your first single?”

“Yeah.  In fact, most of my friends are in this video.  It’s a lot of behind the scenes, candid stuff.  It was a lot of fun to make, and I’m excited that people will get to see a more real glimpse of my life.”  He nods, and I’m not sure he’s really paying attention.  Sometimes I think that these shows don’t really care about the new comers, just the uber famous people. 

“So the title of your album is ‘Along the Way,’ any meaning to that?”  Abbey seems to have relaxed completely, and she looks good up there.  I’m really proud of this kid, and I’m happy to see that she’s getting comfortable with all of this.  It can be really overwhelming at times.

“Uhm, it’s pretty straight forward.  I mean, a lot of these songs are about things that happen in life, you know, kind of ‘along the way.’  I wanted something light for the album title, and this was the first thing I came up with.”

“Very cool.  Your first single is ‘There’s No You,’ and it’s about the end of a relationship.  Is it based on real life?  Or what?”  I hate it when people act like they’re not digging for dirt, or when they act like they’re privileged to the information and everyone else is really digging.

“Well, most of my songs are inspired by life, I mean, I don’t think I could write about something I didn’t really know.  But they’re not all specifically about someone or something.  ‘There’s No You’ is a little of both.  I can’t say it’s completely about one person, but I do get inspired by those around me and things that happen to me.”

“Well thank you very much for stopping by.  It was really great to meet you.”  I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding when Damien turns and introduces her video.  I watch it for a second before pausing the TV and picking up my phone.

“Hey boss man.”  A tired voice comes over the line and I realize that it’s really late in New York.

“Hey Jude, did I wake you?” I forgot about the time difference. 

“Nah, I actually just managed to get some dinner.  It’s been a long fucking day.”  I chuckle at her use of profanities.  She’s usually pretty reserved with her language so it’s funny to hear her swear.

“Well I won’t keep you long, I just wanted to congratulate you on your TRL interview today.  You kicked ass, kid.”

Her voice perks up a little, “Really?  You watched it?”

“I promised you I would, didn’t I?”

“Well, yeah, I just figured you’d be too busy with everything today.”

I tisk at her, “TiVo, Jude.  It’s called TiVo.”

“Right, right.”  She lets out a yawn that reminds me how exhausted I am too.  “I forgot that I’m behind in the technology of today.  Some of us poor people can’t afford shit like that.”

“Ha ha.  You’re a riot, Jude.  Really.”  I can hear her grin over the line as she speaks.

“It takes three people to be a riot, Boss man, I’m only one.”  Sometime I wonder about this girl, I really do.

“All right.  Go get some sleep, smart ass.  Call me tomorrow when you get a break and let me know how things are going.  And make sure you get a break, ok?”

“Tell that to the slave driver, Trish.  I swear she’s on a mission to kill me or something.”

“If I don’t hear from you by noon time I’m calling to make sure you get time for lunch and maybe a nap.  OK?  I can’t have my star artist getting sick or something.”

“It’s so nice to hear you’re concerned for the welfare of your label,” I don’t miss the sarcasm, but I choose to ignore it.  “Goodnight, Justin.  And thanks for watching.”

“I wouldn’t have missed it for the world, Abbey.  Goodnight.”

I hear the line click and I know she’s gone.  I turn off my phone and pick myself up off the couch, using all the energy I can muster.

Abbey was right, it’s been a long fucking day.

“I miss you too,” I whisper into my phone, forcing my eyes to stay open and trying as hard as I can not to fall asleep.

“When are you going to be back in LA?”  He sounds desperate, and I’m trying not to get snippy with his clinginess, but at this point of exhaustion it’s hard not to.

“Not for a month or so, John.”  We’ve had this conversation before and I know that he knows my schedule better than I do.

“You’re going to be gone for such a long time, Abs.  I just…I don’t like you being so far away.”  Is it just me, or does my boyfriend sound like a woman right now?  Good, it’s not just me.

“I know, but you promised that you would take some time to come out and see me.  This is my job now, John, and I really want your support on this one.”  This time I get a sigh in my ear and I know we’re getting close to a fight.  I haven’t even been gone for a whole day and it’s already getting difficult.

“I told you I’d try.  You know how busy I’ve been with the company, I can’t just up and leave to come traipse across the country with you.”

Whoa.  Looks like I’m not the only one that’s grumpy.

“Right.  Because what I’m doing is gallivanting across the States with a guitar strapped on my back and a prayer to make it work.  And I’m throwing away my entire life for some musical dream of stardom while you set your sights on more serious and tangible things.  Right, John.  Leaving your company for one weekend would surely be the end of the world.”  Wow.  That was a lot more profound than I knew I was capable of.

“You need to get some sleep.  Obviously you’re not rational at the moment.” 

“Obviously.”  I can’t find any more words to say to him at the moment.  I must have used them all up on that last rant.

“I don’t know what good it would be for me to come visit you, anyway.  You’re always so damn busy that we’d never get to see each other.”  Oh, I’ve found my words.

“You don’t know that!  And the good it would do would be to show me that you care and your support me and that you love me.  I thought that you’d want to be a part of this with me.”

“I do love you Abbey, you know that.”  He sighs again and it’s getting on my nerves.

“Sure, and you’ve got a great way of showing it, too.”  Keep pushing my buttons, baby, see where this takes us.

“I just said I love you! Isn’t that enough?”  He yells at me and I’ve had it with this conversation.

“I’m going to hang up now, John.  I’ve heard about enough for tonight.”

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow, Abbey.”  I say a strangled goodbye to John and hang up the phone, letting it drop to the couch with a soft thud.

I am completely exhausted and now I’m really pissed.  After a whirlwind trip to New York and rehearsals and press in LA, it’s an accomplishment that I’m even still breathing.  Add to that the minor fight I just got into with my boyfriend and you’ve got one beat up bitch!

John wasn’t very happy to hear I was leaving so soon for New York, and we didn’t get to spend more than nights together the last few weeks I was in LA.  Usually, those nights consisted of me passing out before my head even hit the pillow and him being gone when I woke up.  Needless to say it wasn’t the best of partings.

I was really hoping that he’d have my back on this one, but I’m not so sure anymore how this is going to work itself out.

I guess I’ll just have to cross that bridge when I get there.

Currently I’m sitting on my tour bus (Eek! I have a tour bus!) and we’re on the way to our first venue.  We took off early this morning, and we should be pulling into Texas sometime late tonight.  I was really hoping that I’d be able to catch up on sleep during this horribly long bus ride, but it’s difficult to get used to being on the road like this and despite my exhaustion I can’t seem to fall asleep.

My life has been shaken and stirred over the past couple of weeks, and I’m not quite sure what direction is up anymore.  My album took off and I’m currently number one on the Billboard Charts.  Un-fucking-believable.

Justin was ecstatic when he got the news, and he actually interrupted a radio interview that I was in so he could come in and tell me.  Both of us were jumping about like idiots and screaming.  I sold 256,000 copies in the first week and…holy shit I can’t even comprehend it, even now.

I’m not sure if it has anything to do with all the press I did, or if it’s just because people are really curious to check out Justin Timberlake’s pet project.  Over all, though, reviews have been good and people really seem to be feeling my album.  I’m pretty excited to be able to get on stage and play live now, although I’m still scared shitless.  Everyone around me assures me that I’m going to be just fine, but I don’t think I’ll be able to believe them until my last song is over and I’m off that stage.

Luckily, we have tomorrow off too, in Texas, so I should be able to get plenty of time to sleep and rehearse on the stage. 

Hey Jude starts to play from under my knee, and I snatch up my phone before it can make too much noise.  For some reason it feels wrong to break the silence that surrounds me right now.

“What’s up, Boss man?”

“Insomnia?”  I whined to him earlier about how tired I was but that I’d had trouble sleeping.  He told me that I’d get used to being on the road and sleep would come, but I don’t believe him.

“Just a touch.”  I settle back on the couch, hoping that this conversation is boring enough to knock me out.  Don’t tell Justin I said that.

“I can’t sleep either.  I’m too excited.”  He sounds like a little kid and I can’t help but laugh at him.

“You sound like a kid going to Disney for the first time.”

“Shit, Jude, Disney is not even close to what being on stage is like.”  I can hear the grin in his voice and it makes me smile.  “This show is the biggest thing I’ve ever done.  I can’t wait to put it in front of the people and get a true reaction from it.”

“Calm down, sparky, you sound like you’re about to get a hard-on or something.”  He coughs into the phone and I take pride in the fact that I just threw the unflappable Justin Timberlake.  He tells me all the time that he doesn’t want to hear me talk about sex.  I’m too much like a little sister to him, and it grosses him out to think about me in sexual situations.

Personally, I think it’s bullshit, because Justin has the dirtiest mind I have ever met.  Seriously, that boy can take a conversation about bologna and make it into something sexual. It’s disturbing, actually.

“Don’t ever use the term hard-on when you speak to me, and don’t call me sparky.”  I laugh again, getting a sick satisfaction from this conversation.

“What?  You’re seriously upset by hard-on?  What if I’d said boner, or erection? Or hell, what if I skipped that and went straight to ‘careful, Justin, or you’ll have to go jack off later’?”

There’s such a dead silence on the other end of the line that I have to check to see if he hung up on me.

“You are one sick little girl, Abbey Rhodes.”  There’s less amusement and more of something else in his voice at this point.  I can’t really pin point it, but it almost sounds like disappointment.

“Sorry Boss man.  Blame it on the exhaustion.”  He lets out a small chuckle and I relax a little.  I’ve upset Justin before, sure, but I don’t think I’ve ever disappointed him and I don’t want to start.

“I just don’t expect to hear things like that come out of your mouth.  Trace, sure, but not you.  You seem too innocent.”  It’s my turn to scoff.  I’m not whore, but I am certainly not innocent.

I will say that I think it’s time to change this subject, though.

“So, what do you do to put yourself to sleep on these horribly long bus rides?”

“I usually pop in a movie or something, try and relax as much as I can.”  I can hear him yawn over the line and I feel a little bad for keeping him up, but he’s the one that called me.  “If all else fails, I take a sleeping pill and let it work its magic.”

“Well, I don’t have any sleeping pills, so I’ll have to find a boring movie or something.”

“Hold on.”  There’s muffled voices over the line as Justin talks with someone else.  The bus driver, I’m guessing, because I’m pretty sure he’s got the bus to himself.  Although, I wouldn’t put it past him to be having a conversation with his dogs right now.  “We’ve got a stop coming up in a half hour or so, to get gas.  If you’re not asleep by then I’ll give you some Nyquil or something to help you out.”

“Thanks, Dad.”  Justin has been very protective lately, but I appreciate the sentiment.  And at this point, I’d take a blow to the head to put me to sleep.

“Anytime, kiddo.”  OK, this conversation officially got creepy.

“Goodnight, Boss man.  See you in half an hour.”

I hang up the phone and say a goodnight to the driver, heading to the back of the bus.  I don’t know how I managed to score a bus to myself, but I’m certainly not going to complain about it.  I was thinking I’d be stuck on this tiny little RV crammed with Trish and whoever else needed a ride.  Instead, I’ve got a luxury bus practically to myself.  I have a feeling that Rachel will probably end up staying with me a lot.  She’s on a bus with Trace and the girls from makeup.  The girls aren’t bad to be around, but Trace is smelly.

With a long, labored sigh, I head back to my bed and sprawl out over the covers.

I wish my eyes closed and try as hard as I can to make sleep come to me, but it’s still being evasive.  As tired as I am from trying to sleep, I’m just not tired enough.

I spy my guitar case sitting in the corner, so I get up and open it.  Smiling up at me is my favorite guitar.  His name is Duke.  It was a Christmas present from my mom a long time ago, when I first wanted to learn how to play.  I’ve been in love with him ever since.

My little tiff with John earlier has sparked some lyrics in my head and now’s as good a time as any to get them out.

After checking the tuning, I strum a few chords, trying to figure out what’s going to fit the words the best.  I have a feeling that this might be a sad one.

I take a deep breath and let it out slowly, trying to find some form of focus.  Instead of pushing I let the music come as it wishes, and I’m a little more than surprised by the outcome.

 Don't write me another love song
I don't want any more words
Don't tell me that I'm your everything
You've already used that verse 

I don't need to hear anything from you
I just need to see it
I don't need to listen to what you say is the truth
I just want to be it 

Stop trying to write me in a symphony
stop trying to compose our every move
Stop trying, and just give in to me
I need your actions to be the proof

 I don't need to hear anything from you
I just need to see it
I don't need to listen to what you say is the truth
I just want to be it 

The bus shifts beneath me and a sound at the door causes me to jump from my spot.  Justin’s standing in the doorway and I can feel my face turning red.

“How long have you been standing there?”  I place Duke back in his case and wipe my hands down my legs nervously.  I know that I’ve worked with Justin before, but he’s never really been a part of this process.  These things are usually kept private for me.

“Long enough.”  He comes a step further into the room and smiles. “That was great, Abbey.”

He doesn’t say anything else, but I know that it’s coming soon.  Justin can be pretty mushy for a guy, and I know that he’s going to ask about the inspiration for that song at some point.  He can be pretty perceptive when he wants to be.

“Are we stopped?”

He smirks.  “No, I jumped off my bus as it was speeding down the highway and sprinted to your door, leaping onto your bus with a single bound.”

“You would.”  I throw a pillow at him and he laughs.

“Come on, Jude.  Let’s take a walk, grab some junk food.”

Our awkward moment seems to have passed, so I jump up from my spot and grab a sweatshirt before following him off the bus.  We seemed to have landed in some Podunk down, and I’m not sure at all where we are, but I don’t really care.  There’s a small gas station and the sound of junk food is pretty alluring at the moment.

After grabbing some goodies, Justin and I take a seat at a picnic table off to the side of the store.  I know that the last thing I need right now is caffeine, but if I’m eating Reeses I need to be drinking coke.  Strange, I know.

“So…”

Ah, yes, the tell-tale lead in.  My boss is so predictable.

“Yeah, it was about John.”

“Fight?”  I glance over at him.  Sometimes he knows me so well it’s eerie.

“He doesn’t want to take the time off to come see me, but he’s bitching that I’m going to be gone for such a long time.”  I stop, but remember something else that he said, “Oh, and apparently I’m just traipsing around the country while he’s hard at work.”

“Ouch.”

“Tell me about it.”  I shove another piece of candy into my mouth and chew furiously.

“Whoa, calm down there, girl.  What’d that chocolate ever do to you?”  He’s smiling at me with that lopsided grin he has and I’m starting to feel the blush creep back up my cheeks again.

“Sorry.”  I swallow slowly, chasing it with a swig of soda.  “I’m just overly tired and not ready to deal with this whole tour and a whiney boyfriend.”

Justin pats my knee and motions for me to follow him back to the buses.

“Don’t worry about John.  He’ll go to bed, realize what an ass he was, and call you tomorrow all apologies.  And hey, you never know, he might just make a surprise visit or something.”

I snort out a laugh.  And I just noticed how totally unlady-like that sounded.

“Not John.  If he’s anything, he’s predictable.  Surprises are not his strong point.”  I do manage to smile, remembering the cake he attempted to make for me.  It was a sweet gesture, but it was most likely the last of its kind.

“You want to finish that song?  It was really good.”  He nods his head in the direction of my bus and I think for a moment.

It’s obvious that sleep isn’t going to find me anytime soon, and I am pretty anxious to get these thoughts out.  There’s not better person to write music with that Justin, that’s for certain.

“Sure.”  He follows me back to my room after telling the driver that he’ll be on this bus for the duration.  We should be at our destination in a couple of hours, or so I hope.

It’s already been a long night, but I’m glad that Justin’s here to help me.  Honestly, I’m not sure what I’d do without my boss right now.

Abbey’s finally fallen asleep next to me, her arm carelessly thrown across my stomach.  I should probably move her and get up and sleep on the couch, but I’m really comfortable and I don’t want to risk waking her right now.  She looks like hell warmed over and I know that she really needs to sleep.

I run over the song that she wrote in my head, and I almost wish her album weren’t finished because it’s a kick ass song.  I feel bad, though, because it was obvious that she was pretty torn up about the fight with John.  She tries to play tough, but most of the time I can see right through it.

Her phone is sitting next to me on the night stand and I get an idea.  I snatch it up and check to make sure she’s really sleeping before I open it and start to scroll through her contact list.  It’s really important that she feels comfortable while on tour, and it’s important that the people she cares about come to visit as often as possible.  I’m speaking from experience on this one, and I figure that if John’s not smart enough to surprise her, I’ll do it for him.

I grab his number and program it into my phone.  I then grab her parents’ numbers and put those in my phone too.  I’m sure they would love to come out and see their girl play, and I know that Abbey doesn’t expect them to come out anytime soon, so it’ll be a double surprise.

Out of curiosity, I go through her speed dials.  I’ve merited the # 5 spot.  Hmph.  She’s got her Dad, her Mom, John, her friend Becca, and some name I’m not familiar with set for numbers one through four. 

I’m her manager; I should at least be number three!

Abbey makes a noise next to me and I freeze in place as she settles into a more comfortable position.  It isn’t until she’s sat still for half a minute that I let my breath out slowly.  That was close.  I set her phone back on the table and carefully get out of bed.  We should be at the hotel soon, but I want her to get as much sleep as she can.

I make my way up to the front of the bus, stopping to ask Benny how much longer.

“We should be pulling up to the hotel in about 45 minutes.”

“Thanks, man.”

I plop myself down onto the couch and close my eyes.  I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep, but there’s not much else to do right now.

My phone vibrates against my chest, causing me to jump a little.  I wasn’t expecting that.

It’s a text from Jill.  She’s just gotten out of filming and she wanted to tell me good night.  I calculate the time difference in my head, and it is 2am in LA.  I can’t imagine why she’d need to be filming for such a long time, but then again, I know nothing about soap operas.  Hopefully she’ll get time to sleep and relax.  I worry about her, she seems to be working herself too hard sometimes.  She’s happy, though, and she really loves what she’s doing right now.

I text back quickly, telling her I miss her.  I blame my mushiness on the obscene hour.

Jill made flight arrangements the other day to come out when we’re in Tennessee, which is in three weeks.  I wanted her to visit my family with me, and she happened to have a break in filming then, so it all worked out.

I’m thinking I’ll call and see if I can get Abbey’s folks and John to come out then too.  I know how much it sucks to not have family on tour, and it’s even worse when you have to sit back and watch someone else with their’s.  If I can get everyone out to Memphis at the same time, we’ll all have people to hang out with and I think it could be a lot of fun.

Shows in Memphis are usually different than any of my others, just because it’s my hometown and I really love playing to the crowds there.  Plus, the spots we go to afterward are really chill and a lot of fun.  I always look forward to that stretch of the tour.

I let out a long sigh as I go over everything that needs to be done in my head.  Sometimes I think I’m really stupid.

Don’t let anyone else hear that, I’d never live it down.

But seriously.  It’s a big deal to have taken on an artist for my label, and I have to make sure I do everything I can to get her career on the right track.  What’s stupid is that I decided to take on this artist at the same time I’m releasing my sophomore album and taking off on a huge ass world tour.

Don’t get me wrong, Abbey is amazing and I would be kicking myself if I’d missed out on her talent.  It’s just…I’m exhausted and I’m freaking out that I won’t be able to handle this.

I know, I know, Justin Timberlake doesn’t get scared.  But really, this is a big deal.  Not only do I have to worry about me, but I’ve got to make sure that I don’t screw up with Abbey.  I just…I care a lot about that girl, and I know she’s got a lot of talent to share with the world.  I’d hate to be the one to fuck it all up.

Performing has always come naturally for me, but sometimes I feel like I’m about to forget steps, or lyrics, or something.  I’ve just got all this shit on my mind and even when I’m on stage I can’t seem to let it all go.  I’m really hoping that once there’s a crowd I’ll be able to relax and just let the music take over, but lately I haven’t been so sure.

Next time, I’ll make sure I’m on a break when Abbey has an album come out.

The bus slows and I sit up to notice that we’re at the hotel.  Thank God.  It’s been a long day and I just want to crawl into bed and sleep.  I was smart enough to schedule rehearsals to start at 11am, so everyone will have plenty of time to sleep in and get something to eat before we start.

I peak in the back and smile at Abbey.  She’s buried under the pillows and all I can see are her feet and one hand.  I hate to wake her, but I’m sure she’d be much more comfortable in the hotel bed.

“Hey, Nate,” I call to one of the bodyguards standing out side of the bus.  Technically he’s Abbey’s personal security, but she says that she’s not famous enough to need protection so she kind of ignores him.

“What’s up, J?”

“I’ve got a sleeping singer that needs a lift into the hotel.”  He nods at me, heading up the stairs to the back of the bus.  I make sure someone grabs her luggage before I make my way inside.

I spy Rachel standing by the elevators and she gives me the OK, which means I’m all set to just head to my room.  I love my cousin.

“Hey JT.”  She nudges me with her shoulder before wrapping an arm around my waist and falling into me slightly.

“Hey.  Tired?”  I get the ‘don’t be stupid’ look and just laugh.

“Where were you?  I went onto the bus to bring you inside but you were MIA.”  She lifts herself off of me, the moment of affection apparently over. 

“I was on Abbey’s bus.”  Her eyebrow slides up, a strange look on her face and I suddenly get defensive.  “She had a fight with John and she couldn’t sleep.”

“And you did what?  Cuddle with her and wipe her tears?”  Again with the eyebrow.  It’s really kinda creepy.

“No, I helped her work on a song.  When we stopped at the gas station a while back she was messing around with some lyrics so I offered to help her finish it.  I knew she wouldn’t be able to sleep if she kept worrying about John, and I was bored as fuck on my bus.”

“No need for profanities, cuz.”  I let out a sigh when she pats my chest.  The elevator doors finally open and we both step on.  I just want to go to bed.  “Where is she now?”

I shrug.  “Nate was taking her up to her room.  She passed out in the back about an hour ago.”

There’s a moment of silence and I remember that I wanted to book plane tickets.

“Hey,” I wait for my cousin to look at me, “Can you get me some flight times from LA for the same week that Jill is coming out?”

“Uhm, sure.” She pauses, “Why?”

“I thought I’d call up Abbey’s parents and her boyfriend and get them to come out for a surprise visit.”

This time Rachel starts to make this clicking noise with her tongue and I’m really getting annoyed.  I don’t need this, not tonight, not at all.

“You’ve been pretty focused on Abbey lately,” The insinuation hangs in the air around us and I silently count to ten in my head.

“She’s my artist and I care about her.  Of course I’m going to be focused on her; I’ve got her career in my hands.”  I think it comes out calmly, but the look on Rachel’s face tells me differently.

“No need to get defensive, Justin.  I was just making an observation.”  The door dings and we both step out.  Can I go to sleep yet?  “Normally you’re so closed off at the start of a tour it’s a surprise if anyone can find you before a show.  I’m just…I’m surprised, that’s all.”

“Yeah, well…” I don’t really have a comeback and she knows it too.  She smirks at me before slapping my key card into my hand and waving as she walks down the hallway.

“Get some sleep, superstar, I’ll see you in the morning.”

I shuffle my way into the room and sigh at the sight of the bed.  I don’t even bother to brush my teeth or change into actual pajamas.  I just flop down onto the bed and let my body sink as far as it can go.

I do manage to set the alarm and shimmy off my jeans before I crawl under the covers and pass out.

~*~

I’m doing a pretty good job at hiding it, but I’m nervous as fuck right now.  This is our last day to rehearse and get things together, and so far it’s been near disastrous.

Everything that could possible go wrong has, and I’m just about at my breaking point.  I mean, we should be set right now.  This should just be to get out the little technical glitches and give the dancers and band one more chance to feel out the stage before we go live.

But no, it’s nothing like that at all.  It’s a good thing I keep my hair relatively short, because if it were long enough I’d be pulling it out right now.

The truck with all of the costumes got lost last night, so we’re without those for now.  I’m not sure when they’re going to get here, but from the way I’m being avoided I’d guess it won’t be any time soon.  On top of that, half of my dancers and crew have caught the flu and everyone looks like shit.  I keep covering my face with my t-shirt because I really don’t want to catch anything. 

This sucks.

“Justin,” Abe, my main tech calls me over.  This doesn’t look good. “There’s some problem with the stadium’s system.  We’ve got to rewire things and work out the glitches, but that means you’re not going to have sound for at least an hour.”

Oh, fuck me.

“An hour?”  He nods slowly, his eyes wide with fear.

I let out a breath and run my hands over my head and down my neck.  I don’t need this right now.  Not the night before my first fucking show.  Not now.

“Ok.”  I start slowly, trying to figure out what to do.  My watch tells me that it’s close to four.  “Well, if we don’t have sound there’s not much we can do.  I guess we’ll just break for dinner and come back when it’s all fixed.”

He nods again, picking up his radio and talking to who ever is on the other end.  I turn and walk away from him, heading back to my dancers and band.  They all look as miserable as I feel.

“Well, it looks like we’ve got some technical difficulties.  So, everyone go get something to eat, take a quick nap or something.  Be back here and ready to rehearse by 5:30, and don’t be late!”

Everyone scrambles to get up and leave before I come up with a way to make us practice without music.  I’ve been known to do shit like that, so I don’t blame them for the speedy exit.

“Hey, Rach!”  My cousin is in one of the stadium seats chatting on her phone.  It’s probably business related, and I feel bad that she probably won’t get much of a break because I’m about to give her more to do.

I make my way over to the edge of the stage, which is pretty close to where she’s sitting.  “What’s up, JT?”

“Can you cancel anything I have before the show tomorrow?  Any interviews or meetings.  I have a feeling that things aren’t going to come together tonight and I’m going to need tomorrow before the show to work things out.”

She gives me a sorry look as she writes things down and checks through the notebook on her lap.

“You really want to cancel everything?  What about the meet and greet?”  Shit, I forgot about that.

“What time is that at?”

“Five.  Abbey goes on at 7:30 and you start at 8.”  I run things through my head, figuring it out.

“OK, keep the meet and greet.  Everything should be set by five anyway, and if it’s not I’ll want to meet with my fans anyway so I can apologize a head of time.”  This gains a laugh and I manages a small smile.

“I’ll get right on that.”  She starts to get numbers from her phone and I shoot her a ‘thank you’ before walking off stage and heading to my dressing room.  I’m in a really bad mood.

I’m surprised to find Abbey and Trace sitting in my dressing room, playing on the floor with Buckley and Brennan.  Abbey’s on her back with Brennan lying on Abbey’s stomach, licking her face.  It’s pretty funny looking.

“Hey, Justin.”  Trace spots me first and I throw him a wave. “What’s going on?”

“Sounds down, we can’t rehearse for at least an hour.”

“Oh, shit.”  He gives me a look that lets me know he feels bad, but it doesn’t really do anything to lift my spirits at the moment.

“Yeah.”  I stand in the door way, not really sure what to do.  I kind of want to be alone, but I’m a little afraid that I’ll manage to freak myself out even more if I am.  Buckley starts to whine at my feet and I scratch his ears.

“I should probably take the two hounds out to pee, and get them their food.”  Trace stands, and Abbey gets up off the floor, looking flushed from all of the giggling.  No one says anything ass Trace grabs the leashes and herds the two dogs outside.

“Hey Boss man,” She gives me a small smile and I attempt to give one back.  It’s not working.

“Hey Jude.”  I scuffle over to the couch and fall onto it with a thud.  Abbey sits herself on my back and starts to rub my shoulders.  This girl kicks ass.  “That feels good.”

“You know what we used to say in theatre?”  She finds a knot in my neck and I let out a groan.

“What?”

“Well, it’s kind of superstition that if the tech rehearsal goes horribly wrong that means the opening night is going to be amazing.  We all used to think it was bad luck if we made it through a tech without something going wrong.  Days like today are considered really lucky.”

I think about her words for a second, letting them sink in as she continues to work on my shoulders.

“Thanks, Abbey.”  And I really mean that, too.  For the first time since this horrible day has started, I actually feel like I might make it through this alive.

“No problem, Boss man.”  She works out another knot and I remind myself not to take this girl for granted anytime soon.  I’m not sure where I’d be right now without her.

Just don’t tell Rachel that, she’ll find a way to turn it into some secret burning desire or something.

Oh. My. God.

I think I’m going to be sick.

No, really.  My stomach is in my throat and my hands are shaking and I think I can’t breathe.

Well…OK, I’m being a little dramatic, but it’s completely warranted at this moment.  I’m about to step on stage in front of thousands of people and sing them my music.  I have every right to be freaking out.

I’m currently backstage in my dressing room.  Nate is waiting outside to escort me to the stage, but I needed a second to have a mini-meltdown before I face the masses.

I tug at my shirt, making sure it’s in place and still looks OK.  The wardrobe was a pretty big issue, because I really wanted to just wear jeans and a t-shirt, but apparently this tour is much more “classy,” – Justin’s words, not mine.  So, after a lot of debating (and a little tantrum throwing) we settled on black dress pants, a white t-shirt, and one of those black halter vest thingies.  I’m pretty happy with it, actually, and it’s comfortable too.

Today we spent most of the day rehearsing.  Justin and his crew were up late last night after everything finally got fixed, and I guess the wardrobe truck finally showed up around 10pm.  I came in early this morning so I could have a couple of run-throughs and make sure the sound was all set.  I felt really bad for anyone working with Justin, they were all walking around here like zombies anytime I passed them.  I made sure to steer clear today, just because I don’t want to catch what they’ve got and I didn’t want to piss anyone off.  It was a day for short tempers.

Speaking of my boss, I haven’t seen very much of him at all today.  Usually I wouldn’t mind at all, but for some reason I just needed him around today.

I think it’s all my nerves, to be honest.  I know I’ve gotten friendly with a lot of the crew and my dancers, but right now I feel like the only person that can calm me down is Justin.  This is my big night; the first time I’ll be stepping out in front of thousands and he seems to be the only one that really gets me and my jitters.  Unfortunately, he’s MIA.

Scratch that, I know exactly where he is right now, but I’m not about to interrupt the pre-show warm ups.  I’ve heard that it’s expressly forbidden for anyone to bother Justin before the show, and I’m not about to find out why.

There’s a knock at the door and I expect Nate to stick his head in and tell me I’ve got to go.  Instead I’m met with the shaved head of my boss and I can’t help but smile.

“I didn’t think I’d get to see you before I went on.”  I shift uncomfortably, my nerves making my hands shake.

“You really don’t think I’d miss this moment, do you Jude?”  He gives me one of those looks.

I shrug.  “I figured you’d be warming up and all that, I didn’t want to bother you.”

He lets out a laugh and motions for me to follow him out the door.  We start walking down the hall toward the stage and he throws an arm around my shoulders.

“Those are just rumors, I’m not as bad as they say I am.”  I cock and eyebrow and give Justin a look that says I’m clearly not buying it.  “Are you ready, Jude?”

Again, I shrug.  “As I’ll ever be, I guess.”  I lean into him a little, letting him carry some of my weight.  My feet suddenly feel heavy.  “I’m nervous as fuck, Boss man.  I don’t want to screw this up.”

He gives me a squeeze and propels me toward the stage area.  Because there is no backstage on this tour, he can only walk me so far or he’ll be spotted by the crowds.  Later he’ll be brought under the stage by “disguise” but because I’m pretty much a nobody I get to walk out there myself.

“You’re going to be just fine, Abbey.  I promise.  You’ve worked really hard at this and you’ve practiced your ass off, and I swear to you that once you get up there nothing else will matter.”  He gives me a peck on the temple before pushing me out of his embrace and toward Nate, who is waiting for me.  “And think of it this way…no one will know if you mess up because no one else knows your routine.”

“Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence, Justin.”  He laughs and waves me off.

It’s now or never.

I walk to the underside of the stage, taking my spot next to my dancers.  They all give me encouraging smiles and I try and smile back but my mouth isn’t really working at the moment.  I see the lights in the arena dim and the crowd’s sound increases ten-fold.  I have to cover my ears for a second before I remember my in-ear monitors and I gladly slip them in. 

I get the OK from a crew member and I take a deep breath before sprinting up the stairs and out onto the stage.

Holy. Shit.

~*~

My set is a blur and my heart hasn’t stopped pounding since the lights dimmed earlier.  I can’t believe I just made it through my first show, and I think I actually managed to pull it off.

I make my way down the stairs to the underside of the stage, grabbing a towel to wipe off sweat.  My dancers all give me hugs and it’s impossible to wipe the smiles off of our faces.  It was incredible.

Nate ushers me back to the dressing rooms, but as soon as I step into the hallway my feet are off the ground and I’m being spun in circles.

“That was amazing, Abbey!”  Justin plants me back on the floor and squeezes until I think my eyes might pop out.

“Whoa, calm down there, Boss man.”  He lets go, taking a step back to grin at me more fully.

“You did awesome.  I’m so fucking proud of you.”  I can’t help but return his enthusiasm with a smile of my own. 

I was so scared that the crowd wasn’t going to like my stuff, but I shouldn’t have been.  I was completely shocked when I could see some people singing along, and the reception I got when I played my first single was amazing.  I don’t think I could have asked for a better opening night.

I messed up on the dances once or twice, but it was easy enough to cover and my dancers were real professionals about it all.  I was really worried that the whole stage show wouldn’t match the vibe of my music, but it flowed perfectly and…

…And I don’t think I have the words to express just how totally awesome that really was.

Justin gives me one more hug before being whisked away for something, and I continue back toward my dressing room.  I feel as if I’m walking on clouds or something, as ridiculous as that sounds.  I just…I just performed in front of thousands of people and they actually liked it!  No one booed, and no one looked bored and…and I can’t scratch that off of my list of things to do in life.

I’ve always dreamed of being a performer; getting to make music and share it with the world.  But I never, even in my wildest dreams, I never once imagined that it would feel like this.

I can’t even begin to explain the feelings that are running through my body right now.  I know I’m gushing…but that was fucking amazing!

After changing out of my sweaty clothes and leaving them in the bag for Becky to get later, I grab my cell phone and curl up on the couch in my dressing room.  I can’t wait to tell all this to John.  I really wish he were here to share this with me right now, but I’ll have to settle for his voice.

“Hello?”  He sounds a little groggy, but I’m going to ignore because I’m too excited.

“Hey Babe!”  I’m still grinning.

“Abbey?”  His voice fades a little before coming back stronger.  “What’s up?”

“Oh…not much…just…I just finished performing for in front of thousands of people and they loved me!”  I squeal a little and thank God that no one else is around to hear me.

“Hey!  How was it?”  He sounds more alert now, and I babble on about how incredible it was.  I don’t know if he’s even still listening, but at this point I don’t really care.

“I’m so proud of you, Abs.”  I pull the phone closer and wish he were there with me.  I don’t like this distance thing, and right now I’m really noticing it.  “I’ll bet you looked incredible up there.”

“When are you coming out to see it?  I really want you here.”  I hear his sigh on the other end and know that I’ve asked the wrong question.

“I don’t know, Abbey.  We’ve talked about this.”

“I know, I know,” I concede, not willing to ruin my moment with a fight.  “I’m sorry, I’m just so excited about all this and I want to share it with you.  I know you’ll get here when you can.”

“If,” he says, “If I can.”  I swallow the come back down and grit my teeth.  He will not ruin this moment.

There’s a knock on the door and Nate sticks his head in to tell me that Justin’s about to go on.  I promised that I’d watch his set.  I nod to Nate and turn my attention back to John.

“Hey, I’ve got to get going.  Call me tomorrow?”

“Sure.” He pauses, “I love you, Abbey.”

I can’t bring myself to answer for a moment, because I’m not feeling very affectionate at the moment.  “I know, John,” I say instead and wonder if it was the wrong thing to say.  Before I can think to say anything else he hangs up and I let out a sigh.

That was not the way I wanted it to go.

I leave my dressing room and follow Nate down another hall way that leads to the section of seats we’ve set of.  Justin said that there would be a section at every arena for friends, family, and whoever else we wanted to watch the shows.  It’s set a little ways off from the normal seats, but I can still hear some girls call out to me as I take me seat.  I grin and wave at them, excited to just be noticed.

I watch as the lights dim and the noise level reaches almost unbearable.  Now I know why Justin suggested ear plugs if I wanted to watch.  To think, I called him an egotistical bastard.  With all the love in the world, you know. 

The familiar sounds of FutureSex/LoveSounds starts to fill the arena and I find myself starting to get excited.  I feel like a giddy teenager and can’t help but scream as Justin rises from the center of the stage.  I’ve watched his show come together in bits and pieces, but that doesn’t hold a candle to watching the actual performance.

Justin is like a completely different person up there.  I mean, he’s normally a cocky bastard, but he’s got this…this swagger up there.  It’s almost sexy.  (I did not just say that.)

I do love to watch him dance though, and I can’t believe I’ve never seen him perform before.  I’ve known Justin for over a year and I’ve never watched him on stage.  Now I see what all the fuss is about.

Don’t say any of this to Justin, though.  And I’ll deny all of it, so don’t even try.  The last thing that boy needs is more ego fluffing. 

He does look hot, though.

~*~

There’s a buzz filling the backstage area and I’m surprised that anyone can hear anything.  The excitement of the night has obviously carried over from the show and into the dressing rooms, and everyone is grinning like idiots.

Everyone but me, that is.

I was grinning like an idiot.  I was screaming and clapping and cheering with the rest of the crowd.  I was completely excited for everyone until I saw a missed call and happened to listen to my messages.

I probably don’t need to tell you that it was John, but it was and he wasn’t happy with me at all.  I’m not even at fault this time, which pisses me off even more.

Apparently Justin wanted to surprise me by having John fly out to see me in a couple of weeks and John thought it was very presumptions of us to assume that he could leave his company on the drop of a hat and fly out to see us.  He was even more pissed that Justin went ahead and booked tickets without asking first.  He said something along the lines of “he thinks he can throw his money around like he’s the shit and everyone else should bow to his every whim, and you fall for it!”…you get the idea.

Frankly, I pissed off.  Top that off I’m ready to cry.  This is not how I want to remember my first performance.  John is a jackass.

There’s a crowd in the hallway and I’m thankful that everyone is too wrapped up in their celebrations to notice the weepy kid in the corner.

Well…everyone except the one person I was trying to avoid.

Justin’s caught my eye and he stops in his tracks to stare at me for a second.  I know he’s caught on to the fact that something is wrong, and I see him say something to Rachel before heading into his dressing room.  Maybe he’s going to leave me alone and I won’t have to relive this shitty night.

Although, that hope is falling fast as Rachel approaches me with a slightly determined look on her face.

“Hey Abs,”  She gives me a hug and tries to smile at me but I can’t get my face to smile back.  “Are you OK?”

I shrug and bite back tears.  “Not really.”

She leads me into the nearest room, which happens to be a bathroom, and I almost laugh at how absurd this is.  I should be ecstatic and running around like an idiot, not crying like a bitch.

“What happened?”  She hands me some toilet paper to wipe my eyes with and I blow my nose too.  I’m so attractive.

“Is it OK if I don’t want to talk about it right now?”  She nods and gives me a small smile, bringing me into another hug.  “I’m just not ready to let it completely ruin my night, and saying it out loud is going to make it real.”

She clasps my shoulders and smiles at me, “You do whatever you want, Abbey Rhodes.  Tonight is your night, and damn it, you kicked ass!”  I manage a laugh, which was her intent, and we exit the bathroom and head outside toward the cars that are going to take us back to the hotel.

“Have a good night, Abbey.”  She leaves me at the cars and I climb into the one that Nate’s in.  We ride to the hotel in silence and I’m just happy to have some time alone for a minute.

The hotel is more extravagant than anything I’ve been in and I’m still a little in awe of how pretty it is, although I don’t really notice now because I’m still in the middle of brooding.  My bags are already in my room when I get there and I wonder how someone always knows to do what needs to be done without me seeing.  I mean…it’s like magic or something!

After taking a much needed shower, I flop down on the bed and channel surf for a while, knowing that it’s only a matter of time before I have a visitor.

As if he can read my mind, Justin knocks on my door only minutes later, calling out to me to open up.  He’s standing there with a bottle of champagne in his hands, a worried look on his face.

“Can I come in?”  I open the door and he walks past, setting the bottle down on a table before turning to me and wrapping me up in a tight hug.  “I just wanted to congratulate you on how incredible you were tonight, and how happy I am with everything you’ve done.”

He pulls back and smiles at me.  For a moment I almost forget that I’m pissed off.

But he doesn’t let me forget for long.  “So, do you want to tell me why you look like someone just ran over your dog?”

“Justin!” I smack him, “That’s a horrible metaphor.”  We sit down on the bed and he continues to look at me with that face until I can’t help but crack.

“It’s John,” I breath out, letting the emotions form earlier settle back into my chest. 

“Is he OK?”  He sounds concerned, like something had happened. 

“Oh, he’s fine.  Just being an asshole, as usual.”  I pick at the comforter before lifting my eyes to meet his.  “Were you really planning on having him fly out to see me in Memphis?”

Justin’s eyes shift from my and I know it’s true, even if he doesn’t say anything.  He’s a horribly liar.  “Yeah,” He licks his lips and gives me a sheepish look, “It was supposed to be a surprise.”

“Oh, well, he’s pissed at you.  And I guess I’m guilty by association.” 

“What?”  He sounds angry and I’m at least glad that someone shares in my upset.  “Why would he be angry?”

“Because you assumed that he could take off time from his company, and you bought the ticket for him.  For John, that’s just as bad as finding out he’s got the smaller penis.”  Justin makes a strangled noise and I laugh out loud.  His discomfort makes me giggle.

“He’s mad about that?  I thought he’d want come see you.”  Justin looks truly distraught over the fact that he could be the reason for this upset.

“Yeah, well, John doesn’t like for people to do things for him, especially you.”

“Me?”

“Mmm.  He thinks you’re throwing your wealth in his face and that I’m allowing you to do it, or something like that.”

“What crawled up his ass and died?”  Hmph!  My thoughts exactly!

“I don’t know, Boss man, I just know that I don’t want to think about this anymore.  I’ve already let it ruin enough of my night.”

Justin grins and gets up, snatching the champagne from the table and holding it up like a trophy.

“Let’s celebrate,”  He cheers, and I think that’s the best idea I’ve heard all night.

This is probably a really bad idea.

I mean, how horrible does it look that I’m alone in Abbey’s room and we’re proceeding to get drunk together.  Situations like this never end well.  Never.

Of course, I can’t seem to stop myself, and I’m not sure I want to leave just yet.

The look on Abbey’s face when I spotted her in the hallway is still haunting me.  I never expected to see her looking so upset and sad when she should have been walking on clouds.  Rachel told me that she couldn’t get anything out of her, so I knew I couldn’t just leave it alone and let her stew in her own sadness.  I had to find out what was wrong, I just should have known that it had something to do with John.

It kills me that he can be such an ass to Abbey.  I mean, she’s a fun person to be around, and she’s got a whole hell of a lot going for her, what’s his problem?

I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes, but I really didn’t think I was doing anything wrong by inviting them out to see the show.  Her parents were elated when I talked to them, and they’re really looking forward to surprising their daughter.  I figured John would be excited too.  I didn’t actually speak to him, I got his voice mail.  So I left him a message and told him where he could pick up the plane tickets.  Apparently that was a bad thing to do.

What’s making all of this so hard is the fact that instead of getting stupidly drunk, Abbey is getting sappy and she’s been crying for the past half hour.

Can you see why I’m reluctant to leave?

“I don’t get it, Boss Man,” She blows her nose loudly into a tissue and I cringe a little.  This is not her most attractive moment.

“He’s just an ass, Abbey.  I don’t even know why you’re with him.”  Her watery blue eyes stare up at me and I know I just said something I shouldn’t have.

“But I love him!”  She’s screeching and this is a moment when I really wish she didn’t have such strong lungs.  “When we’re together it’s so great and he’s so amazing.  I think that me being gone is really tough on him right now.”

Oh please, I can’t believe she’s actually making excuses for that asshole. 

“Abbey, maybe you should get some sleep.”  She fights me when I try and take the bottle of champagne away from her and I take this moment to thank God that I didn’t bring any other alcohol.

“No!”  She grabs at the bottle but her reaction time is really slow and I manage to get it away from her with little effort.  She’s thrown herself down onto the bed and a new wave of tears has taken over.

I cannot deal with this.  I am not equipped to handle tears, especially not like this.  I mean…I don’t know the first thing to do about girls and these emotional outbursts.  My skin starts to crawl and my palms get sweaty and I want to be anywhere but in that room…like right now.  And really…girls aren’t pretty when they cry.  I know that sound’s like a jack ass thing to say, but I’m just being honest.

Abbey seems content to wail on the bed, so I grab my phone and call in some reinforcements.

“Hey Rach, sorry to bother you.  Can you do me a favor?”  She sounds a little pissed, but as soon as I mention that it’s Abbey she’s on her way.

When I signed on an artist, I didn’t plan on becoming her therapist too.  Although, now that I think back to all the shit the guys and I have pulled, I’m surprised that Johnny still talks to me. 

Rachel knocks and surveys the damage when I let her in.  She shakes her head at me, “Justin, what were you thinking?”

“Me!”  I point to myself and stare wildly around the room, looking for the other Justin she might be referring to.

“Yes, you.”  Rachel sits down next to Abbey and pulls the still sobbing girl into her arms, trying to calm her down.  “She’s obviously upset, giving her champagne was a really stupid idea.”

“She wanted it!”  I defend myself, but from the look I’m getting I know it’s not getting me anywhere.  Whatever.  I totally didn’t force her to drink.

“What happened, anyway?”  Abbey seems to have calmed down some, but she’s hiccupping right now and if this weren’t such a serious situation I would so laugh right now.  She looks like a twelve year old.

“John bitched at her because I bought him tickets to come out and surprise her.”  That about sums it up, I think.

“Ouch.  What an ass.  I thought he was this really great guy?”  This seems to be rhetorical, so I don’t bother to answer, but Abbey seems to think she needs to chime in.

“He is a great guy, he’s just under a lot of stress and he feels immascu…immascus….he feels like a little girl when Justin tries to do stuff like this.”  She hiccups again and I hold back a laugh.  Even in her drunken state she manages to give me a dirty look.

“I just wanted to surprise you, Jude.  I know how hard it is to be out on the road and away from family and I wanted to do something nice.  I didn’t realize it was going to be such a big deal.”  I constantly feel like I’m defending myself, this evening.

“Oh, it’s not your fault.”  She throws herself dramatically on the bed but sits up after a second, looking a little green.  “Oh shit.”  Rachel and I watch her run into the bathroom and I cringe as I hear her wretch.

“I think that’s my cue to leave.”  I turn to go but the death glare my cousin is shooting my way tells me differently.  “Or not.”

“You’re going to stay here and help me with her.”

“Shit Rach, you know how I get with all that stuff.  If I see her puke it’s just going to make me sick.”  Is it just me, or do I sound like a whiney bitch right now?

“At least get her a glass of water and some crackers or something.  Go see what they have in the mini bar.  I’m going to check on her.” 

I watch her disappear into the bathroom and I rummage around the room.  I do manage to find a bottle of water, so I grab that.  There isn’t much in the way of crackers, so I make a call down stairs and get some sent up.  I’m really not sure what else I can do here, but I fear the wrath of Rachel so I don’t leave just yet.

Shit, this was not the way I wanted to spend my first night out on tour.

I just gave one of the most kick ass shows of my life, and now I’m stuck with a drunken singer that’s prone to bust out in tears at any given moment.  I should be out with the boys celebrating, or something.  Just not this.

Rachel comes back with Abbey and I take one look at the girl and realize that I don’t think I could be anywhere else but here.  She looks so small and pathetic, I’m ready to give John a swift kick in the ass right about now.

“Hey Jude,” She looks up at me with the saddest eyes I have ever seen.  “Are you going to be OK?”  I get a small nod, but I’m not sure I believe it.

“Where’s the water?”  Rachel asks as she helps Abbey get into the bed.

“It’s over there, on the nightstand.  I called downstairs and they’re on their way with some crackers.  I put some advil on the table too.”  I really wish I could make this night better for Abbey, she should be celebrating too.

John Woods needs to suffer, and he never be around Abbey again.

“You two can go,” Abbey waves us off, rolling over onto her side and curling into herself.  “I’ll be fine.”

Both Rachel and I hesitate, not sure if we should really go.  Abbey waves us off again so we head out the door.  It has been one crazy night, that’s for sure.

“Thanks for the help, Rachel.  I’m sorry I ruined your night.”

She shrugs.  “I’m pretty sure my night has been a hell of a lot better than hers,” Rachel jerks her thumb in Abbeys direction and I nod in agreement.  “Good night, Justin.  And hey,” She stops me with her words, “Awesome show tonight, you really killed it.”

“Night Rach.”  I finish my walk down the hallway and collapse into my room with a loud sigh.

I know I should probably leave well enough alone, but the look on Abbey’s face keeps running through my head and I give in to the desire to rip John a new one.  Picking up my phone I find the number and hope that I wake him up as it rings.

“Hello?”  Good, he sounds groggy.

“Hey fucker,” Not the most diplomatic way to start a conversation, but I’m past the point of being nice right now.

“Who the fuck is this?” 

“How dare you ruin Abbey’s night over a stupid pair of plane tickets.  If you didn’t want to come out to see her, you didn’t have to take them.”

“Justin?”

“She’s a fucking mess right now over you, and I don’t think you’re even worth her time, never mind her tears.  I can’t believe you could be such an asshole over something as stupid as this.”

“What the fuck-?”  He struggles to speak, his grogginess seeming to slip further away, but I’m on a roll now.

“No, I’m not done.”  I take a deep breath, “She just put on the show of a life time in front of thousands of people and they loved her.  She just made her dreams come true, and you’ve got your panties in a bunch because I thought you might like to surprise her.  I can’t fucking believe you!  You can’t take three days off to come see your girlfriend make something of herself?  You can’t take a second out of your life to be thankful that you’ve got such a kick ass person in your life?”

“Hold on a second,” He starts to yell, but I’ve had enough drama for tonight and I really don’t care about what he’s got to say.

“Save it, I don’t care.  I just called to tell you that I think you’re a douche bag and you won’t ever have to worry about me trying to do anything nice again.”  I’m about to hang up but think better of it, “Oh, and you owe me two hundred bucks for the plane tickets, my assistant will tell you where to send the check tomorrow.” And I hang up.

Whew.

That felt good.  I really hope it doesn’t cause more problems for Abbey, but I feel a hell of a lot better about things now, and if he does give her shit I’ll make his life a living hell.

I can’t believe that asswipe. 

I let out a muffled scream and flop down onto the bed.  My body is tense and I feel more riled up than I did after the show, except this time it’s not at all from excitement.

My first fucking night on tour and I’m dealing with all of this drama and shit.  This really isn’t how I planned for things to go, but apparently things aren’t going to go the way I’ve planned. 

This was not what I was expecting when I signed an artist.  I was hoping for some good music and maybe a good friend.  Instead I get thrown into high school and now I’ve got a drunk star and a pissy boyfriend.

Well fuck me. Happy first show, Justin.

~*~

Despite the drama of last night, I managed to get some good sleep and I feel ready to take on this day.

I managed to grab a peek at the news this morning and there have been nothing but rave reviews about the show.  I am so excited I don’t think I could express it.  I just know I can’t wait to get back on that stage again tonight.  Now that I know how kick ass this show is, I really just want to be in front of those crowds again.

I looked for reviews in the paper for Abbey and there wasn’t much, but what was there was good.  She still needs some more exposure, but I know that she’ll get there.  I have faith.

Speaking of my protégé, I haven’t really seen her all day.  I caught a glimpse of her going into an interview this morning, and she looked pretty run down, but I’m not really surprised.  I caught Trish for a second and she said that Abbey was fine. I don’t trust that woman’s judgment and I really think I need to find a replacement.

“Hey Rachel, are we done yet?”  It’s getting close to lunch time and I need to eat something before I pass out.  I also want to grab Abbey for a minute and make sure everything is OK.  I realized this morning that I probably shouldn’t have called John last night.  It wasn’t my finest moment.

“Yeah, you’re all done until sound check and the meet and greet tonight.”  Sweet.

“Thanks Rach.  I’m going to grab some food and see if I can find Abbey.  I’ll catch you later.”

“She’s in her dressing room trying to get some sleep.”  Rachel points to a door down the hall of the venue and I give her a smile.  I don’t know how that girl manages to know everything all the time, but I love her for it.

I head to the cafeteria in the venue and thank God I booked a good company this tour.  Their food kicks ass and if it weren’t a bad idea, I’d keep eating all day.  I just don’t want to puke all over my dancers, or something gross like that.

I grab a plate for myself, and think to get one for Abbey too.  I have no idea if she ate or not, but I would wager that she hasn’t and she needs to.

Her room is quite when I enter, and I can see her form tucked under a blanket on the couch.  I hate to wake her, and I probably shouldn’t, but when have I ever listened to that little voice that says no?

“Hey Jude,” I shake her gently and step back when she reaches out and swings in my direction.  Apparently she’s a little cranky.

“Leave me alone.”

“Abbey…”I rub her back softly and she turns over to give me a glare.  “I brought you food?”  Maybe this will be a peace offering.

“Justin, I’m hung over, exhausted, and just a little pissed off.  You really think food is going to make me want to see you right now?”

I shrug and show her the plate.  “The caterer makes really good pasta salad.” She cracks a smile at me and I know I’ve won.  That was a close one.

“Thanks.” She sits up and takes the plate, tucking her legs underneath her.  “I was wondering how long it would take before you checked up on me.”

“I probably would’ve been in your room first thing this morning, but I had an early interview and I didn’t have time.  I’m really sorry about last night.”

“Which part?  The part where you got me drunk? or the part where you ripped my boyfriend a new asshole?”  Ooohhh…I guess she did talk to John.

“You heard about that, huh?”  I give her a sheepish look and tuck more food into my mouth before I can say anything else to make an ass of myself.

“Yeah, I got quite the earful.  But it’s OK, I’m actually glad you did it, because I’m not sure I could’ve done it myself.”  She stabs angrily at the chicken on her plate and I swallow hard.

“I didn’t make things worse, did I?”  That wasn’t my intention, even though I wouldn’t be upset if she broke up with him.

“Nah.  I think he was mostly mad because you were right.  He actually apologized for being an asshole, and I think he might still try and make it out.”  She chews thoughtfully before grinning at me, “Oh, and he says he has your two hundred bucks.  I can’t believe you told him he had to pay for the tickets.”

“Hey!  He was being an asshole and he ruined the surprise!  I’m not just going to give away shit like that, especially if he’s going to be a dick to you about it.”

Abbey watches me quietly for a moment, her eyes tracing over my face.  It’s a little unnerving, and I’m really not sure if she’s angry or not.  I can’t tell.  She surprises me, though, when she puts her plate down and moves mine so she can sit on my lap and wrap her arms around my shoulders.

“Thanks, Boss man.”  She gives me a peck on the cheek and I might be blushing.  I said ‘might’!

I give her a slightly awkward hug back, “Anytime, Jude.  Anytime.” 

And I think I really mean that.

Home sweet Home. 

I can’t even begin to explain how happy I am that we’re finally in Tennessee.  I can’t wait to see everyone, and to get a chance to hang out and have some fun.  Not that performing isn’t fun, but the bar scene in Memphis kicks ass and I’m totally ready to get drunk.

I always make sure there’s an extra day when we stop in Memphis so everyone can go out and not have to worry about getting up the next day.  It’s a good chance for all of us to unwind and enjoy ourselves for a minute.

I’m excited because Jill’s on her way too.  She’s been pretty busy with the show lately, and she told me she’s got some auditions coming up, which is exciting, it just means we barely talk now.

Sometimes I think dating someone in the business is a good thing, because they know what it’s like to deal with the pressures and all that, but at the same time…she’s busy as hell and so I am.  It gets pretty lonely on tour and I figured she’d be able to spend time with me, but now she’s really getting serious on the show so she doesn’t have any time to take off.

Not gonna lie, I need to get laid.

Not that that’s the only reason I want to see my girl, but c’mon, I am a man, I have needs.  Speaking of my girl, she’s supposed to be here in about and hour and I can’t wait.

We’re all going out after the show tonight, and we have the whole day tomorrow off, which means I’m going to my Gran’s and getting some of that amazing home cooking.  I might be looking forward to her peach cobbler more than sex…OK, so that’s a lie, but it is damn good cobbler.

The only down side to this whole stop in Memphis is that along with Jill, John’s flying in too.  I try and stay out of the personal lives of my friends and tour mates, but it’s pretty damn difficult when I’m constantly watching Abbey cry over something the douche bag has said.  I can’t believe she’s allowing him to still come out here.  I know she’s hoping they can work things out, but I just want him to make one more mistake so he can be gone for good.

I can’t figure out where it comes from, or why it’s there, but I feel fiercely protective over Abbey and I can’t stand the idea of some asshole coming out here and ruining any good time she might have.

Whatever, that’s not what I’m going to focus on right now.

“Hey fucker, what’s up?”  Trace barrels into my dressing room and I can’t help the grin that stretches across my face.  He’s been here for a couple of days and I shouldn’t be admitting this aloud, but I missed his ugly mug.  He’s been back in LA taking care of William Rast stuff, so he hasn’t been able to spend much time, but even he wouldn’t be dumb enough to miss the Tennessee stop.

“Hey dick head,” I throw a chip at him from the bag I’m eating out of and he catches it in his mouth with a grin.  “Where have you been?”

He plops down on the couch next to me and snatches the bag out of my hands.  “I had a conference call with Billy, and then I had to chase after this hot piece of ass I saw in the lobby.”

I raise an eyebrow at him, “And?”

He shrugs. “Not so hot close up.  She had a mustache.”  I let out a deep laugh.  This is why this kid is my best friend.

“I thought you were banging that chick, what’s her name?  Katie?”  I grab the bag back and hold it out of his reach when he tries to steal it again.  “Get your own bag.”

“I was with Katie, but she got a little boring and predictable after a while.”  He stands up to find something else to much on from the table the venue provided me with.  “She kept asking if she could come out on this trip with me.  She claimed it was to see my roots, but after the fifth time she dropped your name I just had that feeling.”

Ouch.  “Sorry man.”  This thing happens a lot, and I feel bad that he can’t seem to find a good girl.

“It’s OK, she was pretty kinky.  The sex was definitely worth it.”

I laugh and catch the bottle of water he tosses my way.  It’s so great to have a chance to be one of the guys again.  I’ve been spending way too much time with Rachel and Abbey that I was afraid I’d lost my man card.

“Speaking of freaks, when’s Jill getting here?”  I throw him a glare for the freak comment.  Trace tolerates Jill enough, but sometimes I think he only does it for my sake.  I’m not sure why, though, because she’s pretty mild compared to some of the other girls I’ve been with.

“She should be here in an hour.  Rachel’s getting her and Abbey’s folks and John at the airport.”

“Ahh, family affair.  I’ll bet Abs is excited.”  I watch as he starts to wrestle with Buckley and laugh at the drool my dog gets all over his back.  That’ll teach him.

“She doesn’t know about her Mom and Dad being here.  John was supposed to be a surprise too, but the fucker ruined that one.”

“Not too fond of the boyfriend, I take it.”  I send Trace a look that expresses the understatement he just made.

“I swear he makes her cry just about every other day.  He even went as far as to accuse her of sleeping with me in order to get her record deal.”

“Shit.  And she’s still with him?”  I have to laugh when Buckley starts to hump Trace’s leg.  The look on his face is priceless.

“Yeah.  I think she wants to be able to work shit out while he’s here.  I just hope he doesn’t ruin the weekend.  I might have to fuck him up if he does.”

Trace stops his attempt to remove my dog from his leg to stare at me.  “What?”  I’m really confused as to why I’m getting ‘the look’.

“Justin, why the fuck do you care about Abbey’s personal life?”  I shrug and the look just gets worse.  “Seriously, dude.  Who cares if they get into it while he’s here?  She’s a big girl, she can handle it.  And if it gets that bad, she’s got a couple of body guards to take care of it for her.  You know that getting involved is only going to end badly.”

I stop to think about his words but I can’t seem to completely agree with his logic.

“I know.  I’m just protective of her.  After the millionth time of watching her break down and cry because of this asshole I’ve gotten a little involved.”

“Wow.  Justin’s turning into a softy.”  I chuck my water bottle at his head and laugh when it hits him in the mouth.  “Fuck!”

“Don’t fuck with me, dick head.”

“Whatever.  You’re just pissed because I’m right and you’re turning into a pussy.”

“No way in hell, little man.”  He stops rubbing at his lip and stares at me, a smirk on his face.

“OK, maybe it’s not because you’re turning into a pussy.”  There’s a pause and I’m sure that I’m not going to like what’s about to come out of his mouth.  “Maybe it’s because you’ve got a thing for our little Abra Kadabra, and you want John gone so you can have her to yourself.”

There’s a moment of solid silence before I fall over onto the couch and crack up laughing.  That has to be the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard in a long time.

“You’re seriously messed up if that’s the conclusion you’re coming to.”  Brennan comes over and starts to lick my face.  I have to stop laughing or she’ll stick her tongue in my mouth.  Hey, it’s happened before.

“Right.  Well, then you must be a pussy.”  He grins at me.  The grin slips though, when Buckley attempts to mate his leg again.

“Apparently Bucks thinks you’re one too.”  I get the bird in response.

Have I mentioned that I am so happy to be home?

~*~

I’m cranky.

Now, I should start by saying that I had the best damn time out on the town last night, and I’m currently getting pampered by both my mother and my grams, so I should be content.  But I’m cranky.

Last night’s show was one of the best we’ve had.  I don’t know if it’s just because the home town crowd always feels more alive, or if we really pulled together more, but I’m so proud of everyone for a kick ass show.  Even Abbey’s set was more amazing than usual.

After the show we all got together and headed out to the local bars, which I love.  A lot of the places around here have come to expect me when I’m in town, so it’s usually easy to get in and out without a lot of hassle.  The owners know not to advertise or allow tons of people in, so things stay low key and everyone has a great time.  In fact, it was so great I don’t even remember much of it.  It’s the eighth shot of tequila where things start to get fuzzy.

I got to sleep in this morning, which is a blessing in and of itself.  There are very few days while on tour that I get the luxury of sleeping in without anything pressing to pull me out of bed.  What helped even more was that I woke up next to my woman and I no longer have the problem of needing to get laid. Heh.

But that brings me to my current crankiness. 

Jill’s been on conferences calls and out to meetings all fucking day.  She stayed in bed with me this morning until about 10, and I’d fallen asleep so when I woke up she was gone and instead of finding my girl I found a note.  That sucks.  Apparently the only time she could audition for this movie role was while she was here in Memphis, so she’ll be gone for most of the day and she won’t be able to stay with me tomorrow, either.  I’m pretty pissed, actually.

I mean, I don’t want to stop her from finding work, and I’m excited that she’s got offers, but I can’t believe that the only time she gets to come see me she’s fucking working the whole time.  I just wanted to hang out and relax with her.  Mom was a little upset too, because she figured that Jill would be with me today and she knows that Jill’s absence is the reason for my crankiness.

I can’t even seem to enjoy myself now.

I don’t know.  Something feels off with us.  I mean, it was so great to get to see her, and I loved knowing that she was in the audience watching.  It just made me want to perform even better.  And I’m not going to lie, the sex was incredible too.  There’s nothing like ‘I-haven’t-seen-you-in-weeks-and-it’s-been-even-longer-since-we’ve-boned-sex’.  It’s great.

But after all that…it just feels off.  I want to say she’s being distant, but that’s a little obvious because she’s not even here right now.  I hate to think that our spark is fizzling out, but maybe that’s it?  I don’t know.  I just know that I want my girl to be here and it’s pissing me off that she’s not.

My phone vibrates in my pocket and I pray that it’s Jill calling to tell me she’s on her way.

It’s not.

“Hey Jude.”

“Well, hey, don’t sound so excited to hear from me, Boss man.”  Her cheery voice comes across the line and it’s nice to know that someone’s having a good time.

“Sorry.  Bad day.”

“What, peach cobble burnt?”  Oh, she did not just say that.

“Fuck off, Jude,” I’m kidding when I say it, but I do take offense to any bad comments about Grams’ cooking.  “What do you want?”

“I just wanted to see how things were going.  My parents wanted to invite you and Jill and whoever else out to dinner with us tomorrow before they leave.  And I wanted to say thank you for bringing them out here, I didn’t get the chance earlier.”

I smile at the memory of Abbey spotting her parents when Rachel brought them to the venue.  She was so surprised that she couldn’t even speak for a minute.  I will run that in her face for ever, too, because it’s a feat to get that girl to shut up.

“You’re welcome, Jude.” I lay back in the lounge chair I’m sitting in and let the sun warm my skin.  I wish I could truly be enjoying this time off.

“So, are you up for coming out?”

“Oh, I don’t know.  I might come, but I know that Jill won’t be able to make it.”

“Uh oh, trouble in paradise?”

“Like you should be talking.” I scoff. “No, she’s just been really consumed with this movie stuff.  I’ve barely gotten to spend time with her.  It’s kinda bumming me out.”

“I’m sorry, Boss man.”  There’s some muffled noise before her voice comes back on the line. “Hey, John and I are going out to grab some food and go bowling tonight, you should come with.”

I don’t really want to be around John any more than I want to be alone, but I know wallowing in my self pity will only make it worse.  “I don’t want to intrude.”

“Nah, you won’t be intruding.  I think that Marcy and Trace are going to tag along, too.  I saw them in them earlier and mentioned it.”

“John won’t be mad if I’m there?”

“John can kiss my lily white ass if he’s mad.  I want you there, Justin, and if Jill can make it too, the more the merrier.”  I scrunch my nose up at the image of John kissing Abbey’s ass.  Ew ew ew.

“Sure, I’ll be there.”

“Awesome, meet us at the hotel around 7.”

We say our goodbyes and hang up.  I toss my phone down next to me and let out a sigh.  I can’t help but feel that this is a bad idea and I shouldn’t be going out with them.  I mean, I know she said it’s a group thing, but I just wanted to avoid being around John so he wouldn’t get mad and say something stupid again.  Apparently he’s pretty jealous, and even if it is a group thing that’s not going to stop him from getting pissy.

Whatever.  This was totally supposed to be a kick ass weekend.  I should be spending time with my girl and getting as much sexy time as possible…not worrying about pissing off some asshole.

I am still cranky.

“Are you trying to piss me off?”  I drop my phone down onto the bed and turn toward the voice that just barked at me.  John’s leaning against the doorframe into the bathroom with a very sour look on his face.

“Excuse me?”

“I heard your little conversation with Justin.”  The way he spits out the other man’s name makes me want to slap him.  “Are you trying to get me upset by bringing him along on our date?”

“Date?  It’s not a date.”  I was pretty sure that this was supposed to be a group thing, but apparently my boyfriend and I aren’t on the same page.

“Abbey, I wanted to take you out to dinner to spend time with you, I wasn’t expecting you to bring your boss along.  Although, I should have known you wouldn’t be able to stay away from him for long.”  A sneer accompanies his statement and I contemplate taking off my shoe and chucking it at his head.

“First of all, you never told me it was a date, so I’ve been asking people to come along all afternoon.  Even if Justin doesn’t come it isn’t going to be the two of us.”  He face drops a little and strangely enough I don’t feel bad. “Secondly, the comments about me and Justin having something going on are getting real old real fast.  I would appreciate it if you would stop trying to insinuate that I’m sleeping with him.”

“Whatever, Abbey.”  He turns and storms back into the bathroom, slamming the door and making me wonder if perhaps I was dating a six year old. 

This weekend has been horrible.  I was really hoping that John and I would get some alone time and be able to work through our issues, but any time we’ve spent alone has been occupied with his bitchiness.  Truth be told, I knew that he wanted tonight to be a date with the two of us, but I can’t really bear to spend more time with him alone so I started inviting people to tag along. 

I wasn’t trying to piss him off with the Justin thing, but hearing how upset Justin sounded on the phone I wanted to try and cheer him up.  I know that it’s probably a horrible idea to have the two of them in any room together, but I figure there will be others there so both of them should behave. 

I’ve been trying really hard to avoid the thoughts that have been plaguing me lately.  I mean, I really hate to think that John and I can’t make it simply because of my career.  I was hoping that this visit would make it easier for us to talk to each other and things would go back to before I left, but I was starting to see that whatever had crawled its way up my boyfriend’s ass wasn’t going anytime soon.  I was frustrating and I was pretty much at my breaking point.  Being a pushover and a softy for John’s cute ass, I was willing to give him a second chance, but with all the bitching he’d done since he landed I was pretty sure that second chance wouldn’t matter.

Bah, I hate this dating crap.

I really want tonight to be fun and relaxing.  John and I skipped the bars last night, and now I’m regretting that choice too.  I was hoping a romantic evening with room service and each other would help, but he only seemed interested in getting off as fast as possible before he passed out on the bed.  Jerk.  It wasn’t even good for me.  Now I’m just frustrated and really tired of his bitchassness.  Ha, I love that word.

John comes back out of the bathroom and I don’t bother to acknowledge him.  As far as I’m concerned he’s got a lot of ass kissing to do tonight, because I’m really pissed off at him.

I will say that my parents being here helps a lot.  It’s been a while since I’ve seen them, and I was so shocked and excited when Rachel brought them to the venue.  I knew that Justin was surprising me with John, but I had no idea that they were coming too.  Needless to say, I owe my boss one.  I really can’t believe Justin would think to do something like that, and I have to say that I’m feeling pretty fond of him at the moment.  Probably the reason I invited him out tonight, even though I knew it would cause problems with John.

Speaking of my amazing surprise, my mom’s at the door and she couldn’t have better timing.

“Hey Mum,” I give her a hug and welcome her into the room.  I make sure to send John an icy glare so he knows not to start anything while she’s around.  The last thing I want is to have to deal with upset parents at the same time I’m dealing with a bitchass boyfriend.

“Hey Abbey.  Are you up for some lunch?”  Oh, thank God.  I knew I loved my mother, this just solidifies that thought.

“You know what? I am.  In fact, I think we should make a girl’s day of it and do some shopping too.”  John makes a noise and I turn to glare at him.  “Something wrong, Honey buns?”

He holds up his hands in surrender and shoots me a sheepish smile.  “Not at all.  You ladies have a nice afternoon, I’ll see you when we go out to dinner tonight.”  He gives me a peck on the cheek before leaving the room and I let out a sigh.

Mom has the courtesy to wait for him to be out of ear shot before she starts in on me.

“Abbey?  Is there something you would like to tell me?”  She cocks and eyebrow and crosses her arms across her chest.  Perhaps I should retract my previous statement of excitement.  See, the thing about my mom is that she never really butts into my life, or at least not in such a direct manner that you could call her on it.  She usually does something like she’s doing right now, which is give me a look that guilts me into spilling my thoughts.

“Over lunch, Mom.”  I grab her by the arm and lead her down the hall of the hotel.  I can’t have a conversation like this one without something to distract me from my feelings.  Or, more directly, I need to be stuffing my face so thinking about the pending doom of my relationship won’t make me cry.

After we’ve been seated in the hotel’s restaurant and the waitress has taken our order, my mom settles back in her booth seat and gives me that look again.  “Abbey?”

I run a hand through my hair and let out a breath.  Here it goes.

“I guess you could say that John and I are having some issues.”  I start, and I’m not surprised to see the knowing nod my mother unconsciously does.  She often acts like she’s seen everything coming for miles, and more often than not she’s right.  It makes me a little sick, to be honest.

“Problems?”  She twists the straw in her water and I somehow feel like I’m in an interrogation.  She’d play the ‘good cop’.

“I thought it was the distance at first, you know?  I knew that John had been upset at how busy I was before I left for the tour, so I just chalked it up to distance.  But lately he’s been really pissy with me.”  She makes a noise when I say ‘pissy’ and I almost laugh at how prudish my mom can be.  She hates it when I curse.

“Has he been mean to you?”  My mom is asking if he’s hurt me physically, but like I said: prude.  I love her for it, though.  She was extremely entertaining when I was growing up.  Sometimes I think she would have been better off as a housewife in the 50s. 

“No, nothing unforgivable.  He’s just been saying some hurtful things, especially about me and Justin.  John seems to think that the only reason I even have my record deal is because I’ve been sleeping with my boss.”  She raises an eyebrow, “which is ridiculous and completely untrue.”  The brow relaxes.

We’re interrupted for a moment as the waitress brings us our drinks, and I’m thankful for the slight distraction.  It’s one thing to think about all of these things, it’s another to actually voice them to someone.  Somehow it makes more real.

“How do you feel about everything?”  She asks me and I grin.  Sometimes I think she should’ve  been a psychologist.

“I feel tired and frustrated and fed up with it all.  I hate fighting with him, and I hate it even more that he can say such nasty things to me.”  I take a long sip of my soda and close my eyes.  I do not want to cry right now.  “John was so amazing when we started dating, and I never imagined that he would be capable of hurting me so much.”

My mom sits back in her booth and stares at me as if she’s trying to read me.  Perhaps she is.  She’s always been really good at getting to the heart of things just by gauging my body language.

“Maybe you’re so upset because what John’s been saying has a hint of the truth.  Maybe you feel guilty.”

I have to stop myself from spitting my soda out my nose.  I take that last statement back, Mom is way off the mark.

“That’s crazy.  There’s nothing going on with Justin and I.  He’s a friend and my boss and I happen to be on tour with him at the moment.  It’s only natural that we’d be together a lot.  But seriously, he’s like a brother and I know he sees me like a sister.  That’s just gross.”

She gives me a wry smile.  “I don’t know, Abbey.  Justin certainly has a soft spot for you, I mean, he did fly us all out here to see you.”

“Including John, too.”  I add, because I refuse to think anything else.  Not that I don’t find Justin attractive, or that I’d never entertained thoughts of what it would be like to be with him…but that was way before I actually knew him as a person.  Now I just see Justin, and there are no fuzzy feelings on my end.  And I pray to whoever resides over those fuzzy feelings that he isn’t sending any my way, either.

“Well, none of that really matters anyway,” She concedes, “It’s really about what you’re going to do with these issues with John.”  I nod in agreement. 

“What do you think I should do?”  I ask, watching as she takes a tentative sip of her water.

“I think you should make yourself happy, Abbey.  Trust your instincts and do what you need to do in order to be happy.  The rest will fall into place.”

If only it were really that simple, right?

~*~

After the initial boy-talk with my mom, lunch went smoothly and we managed to spend a fair amount of money around town.  There are a ton of cute little shops in Memphis, a lot of handcrafted stuff which my mom loves.  It was nice to get out and spend some quality time with her, too.  Since I’ve started this whole music thing, I don’t get to see my parents all that much, which bums me out, so having them there with me was a great thing.

Right now, Me, John, Trace, Marcy, Marty, Jen (one of Justin’s dancers) and Justin are all at the bowling alley and despite the death glares John keeps sending Justin, I’m having a really good time.  I was relieved to see so many people out with us.  I really don’t think I’d be able to spend the evening alone with John.

I thought about the advice my mom and I’m pretty sure that this is the end of the road for John and me.  I just…I’m not happy anymore, and if I hear another comment about my boss I’m going to have to kill John.  It hurts because I feel like John doesn’t know me at all, especially if he’s accusing me of something as horrible as cheating.  It’s not helping his case that he’s well on his way to shit faced right now, which is making me hate him even more.

“Baby, come sit on my lap,” He tries to grab me by the waist as I walk by, but I turn so he can’t.  “What’s your problem?”  He slurs.  I try not to roll my eyes, but I don’t try very hard.

“My problem is that you’re causing a scene and making yourself look like a huge prick.”  I stalk away and find a seat near Trace and Justin, both of whom send me apologetic glances.

“Yeah?  Well at least I’m not a slut like you.”  I hear John’s voice but it takes me a second to comprehend what he just said.  Before I can even get out of my seat to answer back, Justin, Trace and Marty have stood to defend my honor.

“You little piece of shit,” It’s Marty that speaks first and I’m a little surprised.  I consider the guy a friend but I didn’t know he was that protective over me.  I step in front of them before anything escalates and I send everyone a looks that says ‘back off’.

“John, can I talk to you for a minute, please?”  He sits back in his seat and sends me a steely glare, “In private?”  My jaw tightens and I have to take a deep breath so I don’t snap.  This is really not my idea of a good night anymore.

John and I step over to the side so I can give him the lecture that’s brewing, but the guys aren’t too far away.  Apparently they don’t trust John to be civil.

“What is your problem tonight?”  I ask him, trying really hard to remember the guy that I used to be in love with.

“You’re being a whore, Abbey.  You’re all over every fucking guy in this place and I’m sick of being second place.  I fly all the way out here to see you and you’ve spent the whole weekend with Justin.”

I laugh out loud.  He really is delusional.

“You flew out here because Justin bought your ticket and guilted you into coming.  It certainly wasn’t because you missed me.  And just so we’re clear, I haven’t been hanging on anyone.  You’re just to busy getting drunk off your ass to notice that I’ve been trying to have a fun night out with everyone.”

“Whatever.  I’m so sick of your shit, Abbey.”  His eyes are red and he’s swaying a little, so I’m not sure he knows what he’s saying but it doesn’t make the hurt any less.

“My shit?  You’re sick of my shit?”  I’m almost at a loss for words at this point.  “You’re the one that can’t seem to realize that I’m in the middle of building my dreams here.  Yeah, I’ve been away from home and pretty damn busy lately, but if you’d take your head out of your ass for a second you’d see that it’s because I’m working really hard at making this tour the best experience possible.”

I stop to take a breath and make sure he’s still paying attention.

“Do you realize how big of a deal this is?  I was so sure that you supported me in this and that you knew that in order for me to make my dreams come true I was going to have to work at it.  I can’t believe you’re giving me shit when you were the one pushing me to go through with it in the first place.  I’m sorry I can’t be at your beck and call all the time, but maybe that’s partly your fault too.”

“I’ve got a business to run, too, you know.  It took me a lot of organizing just to be able to come out here this weekend.”

“Oh, I’m so touched by your sacrifice.  Seriously, John, you’re so fucking ridiculous.  I’ve never really asked you to give me anything, and I’ve always tried to support you in the things you did.  I thought you felt the same, but I’m starting to see that you don’t.”

I’ve had enough with this conversation and I start to walk away when I hear him mumble something under his breath.

“That’s right, go back to your pop star.  He’ll make it all better.”  I stop dead in my tracks and count to ten silently in my head.  I really, really can’t believe I’m dealing with this right now.

Turning on my heel to face John, I take a deep breath.  “I’m going to say this once and I’m going to say it slowly so you understand.  There is nothing going on between me and Justin, and if I hear you make some stupid fucking comment one more time I will seriously have to punch you in the face.”

John’s face turns red and he starts to step towards me but Todd steps closer and John backs off.  “Whatever, I’m going out for a smoke.”  He brushes past me forcefully and makes his way outside.  I hope he gets mugged or something.

I make my way back over to everyone and apologize for ruining the evening.  I feel bad that most everyone stopped playing because of John and I, and I know that there’s really no way to salvage the night.  Men suck.  Well…just John.

Todd goes out to get the car we came in, and I try and tell everyone to stay and keep having fun, but I think my little tiff has officially ruined the night.

“It’s OK, Abs, we’ll come back with you.”  Marcy comes over and gives me a hug.

“Thanks, guys.”

When John comes back from outside he looks a little calmer.  He comes over and grabs my arm, pulling me to the side, but everyone’s listening anyway.

“Will you come back to the hotel with me?”  His voice is hoarse and strained.

“We’re all going back.”  I tell him, hoping he realizes just how much of an ass he’s been.  “The night is ruined and I don’t feel like being alone with you right now.”  He looks wounded but I don’t care.

“What?  You can’t even have a conversation with me right now?  Fuck, Abbey, we’re two adults here.  We can figure this shit out without your little posse over there butting there noses in.”  He sends a glare at Justin and I’ve just about had it, but I guess John’s not quite done yet.  “I mean, I’ll bet Justin is just itching for us to break up so he’s got a reason to fuck you.”

I’m not sure I even know what I’m doing until I feel the sting in my palm as it hits John’s cheek.  A look of shock registers on his face but Todd steps in before anything else can happen.

“I think we should all start heading outside.”  He states firmly.

I finally start to notice that there’s a small crowd gathering around us.  We had a section of the alley to ourselves, but other people were still there, and I guess our little show is more entertaining than their games.

We all make our way outside and I notice how pissed the other men in the group look.  Trace keeps sending glances in my direction and he mimes kicking John.  I laugh.

It takes a second for Todd to go get the car, so we all stand off in a dark corner of the lot with Mick, Justin’s guard, and wait.  John stalks over to me and tries to talk but I really don’t want to hear it.

“Abbey, can you just fucking look at me for a second?”  I turn away from him slightly and let out a yell when he roughly grabs my arm and yanks me toward him.

It doesn’t even take a second before Justin, Trace, Marty and Mick are all over John and I cringe when I hear the distinct sounds of fists hitting face.  The scuffle ensues for a minute before Mick has John tightly in his grasp and Trace and Marty are both holding Justin back.  From the blood on his knuckles, I would venture a guess that Justin was the one that hit John.

“You piece of shit.  Don’t you ever lay a hand on her again.”  Justin’s face is red with anger and the color deepens when John spits blood on his shoes.

“Fuck you.”  He seethes.  I think Justin knocked a tooth out.

Trace and Marty strain to hold Justin back as he lunges forward and I decide that I really have had enough for the evening.

“STOP!”  I scream, standing in between the two men.  “Grow the fuck up, both of you.”  I turn to Justin and give him a small smile, “Thanks for defending me, but you really don’t need to get in trouble for kicking the shit out of John, even though I would love to sit here and watch it.”

Justin steps back a little and I make sure he’s not going to move before I turn back to John.  “You make me sick.  I can’t believe I ever thought you were someone worth being with.  I’m sorry you wasted your precious time coming out here, and I’m even sorrier that I’m not letting Justin kick the shit out of you right now.  Do us all a favor and get the fuck out of my sight before I ask Mick to hold you down so we can all take a turn.”

“I called a taxi,” Marcy tells me and I thank her.

“Go back to the hotel, get your shit, and get gone.  I don’t want to hear from you, see you, or think about you ever again.”

By now the car has pulled up and I turn and jump in without saying another word.  Everyone else gets in and I see Mick shove John away before he gets into the car too, and we start back to the hotel.  No one says anything, and for that I’m thankful, but I’m sure that the next time I open my mouth all that will come out are the sobs that are building in my chest.

This has to have been the worst night ever.

Trace and Marty look as pissed off as I feel, and I know that they're just as upset about this whole night.  When we're all on tour together and spending so much time with each other, we become like family, and none of us will sit back and let some asshole like John hurt someone we all care about so much. 

I can't get over it, either.  I mean, everyone's trying real hard to pretend like it didn't happen, but I can't get the hurt look on her face out of my head, and it's making me want to punch John all over again. 

I can't stand thinking about the fact that he was able to get under her skin like that, and I know it's going to eat her up inside.  The last thing she needs to be worrying about is something that John said, but I know that it's going to bother her.  I just wish I knew what to do to fix it all.  I really wish kicking the shit out of John were an option, but I'm not sure it would help much right now. 

Speaking of the fucker, he's standing in the hallway of the hotel with his bags and a black eye.  Seeing that helps a little. 

Apparently he wants more, though, because he's attempting to talk to Abbey again.  I can't believe this idiot.  I must have knocked something loose when I hit him. 

"Abbey, can we just talk this through? Please?"  He reaches for her, but Marty, Trace, and Todd step in the way, and I grab Abbey around the shoulders and bring her close to me. 

"Ignore him, Jude, he doesn't deserve your attention."  I can feel the tension in her shoulders and every now and then she hiccups.  She hasn't stopped crying since we all piled into the van at the bowling alley. 

"You want to hang out in my room tonight?"  I ask, and I can see John behind us being stopped by Todd.   

"I want to forget that this weekend ever happened," is her soft reply, and I want to kill John for hurting her like this. 

"Abbey!"  He tries again, and she stops, standing rigid in my arms.  "Abbey, please..."  The fucker is almost begging.  He looks fucking pathetic. 

Abbey looks up at me and I try and give her an encouraging smile, but I know it isn't helping much.  She takes a deep breath and turns around, facing John.  I make sure to keep my arm around her shoulders so she knows I'm there with her. 

"Get out."  Is her reply and I get some satisfaction as I watch John's face fall. 

Abbey Turns and I give her a squeeze as we head toward my hotel room. 

"That's right, go away with your pop star."  John calls from behind us and I remind Abbey to ignore him.  "She's a good fuck, isn't she, Justin?  But she'd have to be, right?  Since she's got such a great record deal and a spot on the world's biggest tour, I'll bet she sucked a lot of cock for all that." 

The blinding rage that washes over me clouds my judgment and before I really know what I'm doing John's pinned beneath me and my fist is repeatedly meeting his face. Trace and Todd have grabbed my arms and they're pulling me off of John, so I stop hitting for a second, but he takes his chance and his fist catches me in the jaw.  I let out a curse and struggle against the arms that are holding me, but they're too strong and I'm successfully pulled off of the floor. 

By this time, Mickey has grabbed John and pinned him to the wall, preventing him from going anywhere.  Trace and Todd let me go, and I reach up to wipe the blood off of my lips.  The fucker made my lip bleed. 

"You're lucky I'm not going to press charges, Timberlake."  I don't know if this guy has big balls, or if he's just incredibly stupid. 

Either way, that wasn't a smart thing to say to me. 

"Go ahead, I'd love to see you try.  I've got plenty of witnesses to attest to the verbal abuse you were laying on Abbey, and I'm sure my lawyer is a hell of a lot better than any third-rate fuck up you'll manage to find." 

I wipe at my face again, the cut starting to sting a lot.  "Get out of this hotel and away from this tour.  If I see your face around her ever again, I'll have your ass out of here so fact you'll get whiplash."  I start to walk away but think better of it, "And don't you dare try and contact Abbey ever again.  There will be someone stopping by her apartment in two weeks to make sure that all your stuff is gone." 

By this point a crowd has gathered in the hallway and I spot Abbey standing in the arms of her father who looks none too pleased.  I hope he doesn't hate me for getting violent, but I really couldn't listen to John say those things anymore. 

I send Mickey a glance and he nods, knowing that I want John out of the building. 

I silently thank Trace, Todd and Marty for their help before turning back down the hallway and heading to my room.  I really need to get something on this lip, and I need a second to cool off.  I'm pretty riled up still, and I can't stand seeing that look on Abbey's face.  I'm afraid that I'll do something crazy, like hold on to her and never let go. 

No one stops me as I reach my room, and for that I'm thankful.  I need a moment to compose myself before I seek out Abbey and her parents and apologize for everything that happened.  I wouldn't take it back for a second, but my Momma did raise and gentleman and I don't want Abbey's parents to think I'm some heathen. 

Grabbing some ice from the mini bar in the room, I plop down on the couch and close my eyes.  I'm surprised when I hear my name a second later, and I open my eyes to see Jill standing above me. 

"Hey!"  I sit up, happy that she's there and surprised.  I figured she would be out all night. 

"What happened?" She sits on the couch next to me, gingerly touching my swelling lip. 

"I got into it with John in the hallway.  He started saying some nasty things about Abbey and I just couldn't take it anymore.  He's been a dick to her all night and...I lost it, I guess.  He got a punch in when Trace and Todd were pulling me off of him." 

"Oh my God, Justin."  She gets up and grabs some more napkins so she can wipe up the blood.  I know I'd wanted to be alone, but it is pretty nice to be taken care of by my woman.  "Is there anything I can do to help?"  She blots at my face again before putting the ice back to my lip. 

"You can cuddle with me,"  I know I sound like a girl, but I've really been missing Jill and I just want to relax with her next to me.  However, the look she's giving me tells me that I'm about to be disappointed. 

"Oh..."  She looks down at her hands and I know that I'm really not going to like this.  "I can't stay.  I came back to get some clothes, I'm staying with one of the girls that's auditioning.  We have an early audition tomorrow, so we were going to work over lines tonight.  She has a hotel room across town." 

I don't reply.  I'm not sure I trust my words at this moment, because I'm already riled up and pissed off, I'm sure I'll say something that'll cause a hell of a lot of damage.  I don't need any more drama to deal with.  Not tonight. 

Instead of saying anything, I get up from my spot on the couch and stalk toward the bathroom.  I need to make sure this split lip isn't as bad as it feels.  It would really suck if I needed to get stitches when I have all these shows to do.  It would also mean media coverage and I don't need people speculating about who I'm getting punched by. 

"Justin?"  Jill's tentative voice follows me into the bathroom and I fight not to roll my eyes. 

I don't know why I thought it would be possible for us to make a relationship work while I was on the road.  The kicker is I figured she would be the one to crack from us being apart so much.  I never imagined that I would be the one with my panties in a bunch because I don't get to see my girlfriend as much as I want. 

"Justin?  Are you going to be OK?"  She rests her hip on the door frame of the bathroom and I bite back all the nasty retorts that sit on the tip of my tongue. 

"Yeah, I'm fine."  The cut has stopped bleeding and it doesn't look too bad.  I'll just have to keep an eye on it.  My eyes connect with Jill's through the mirror and she breaks the contact after a second.  "Go." 

She brings her head up again, so I turn to look at her properly. 

"You're not mad?"  She twists her fingers together in a nervous motion and I almost want to laugh. 

"Mad?"  I fight to keep my temper in check, but it's damn hard.  "Of course I'm mad, but you've got things to do and I don't want to be the reason that you don't get this role.  Lord knows that would be a hell of a lot worse than being alone for one night."  I know I shouldn't, but I can't help but adding on, "Alone after I've just gotten my face punched in and experienced a horrible weekend without my girlfriend." 

Her head drops and she lets out a sigh, but I know that nothing I say will make her stay tonight.  Especially if I keep spitting out hurtful things. 

"Don't get upset with me, Justin." Her eyes have a spark in them when she looks at me again.  "You've ditched me a ton of times for work related things." 

I let out a sigh and try to stop the rebuttals I have swimming in my head.  It's not going to do me any good to fight with her, and to be honest, I don't really have the energy. 

Instead of saying what I want, I pass by her without a word and head toward the main door of the suite. 

 "Where are you going?"  She calls out and I don't bother to turn or stop my motions when I answer. 

"You've got plans, what the hell do you care?" 

The door slams behind me and I'm faced with an empty hallway.  I know that the end of my relationship with Jill is near, but I don't want to have to deal with it tonight.  And, as asshole-ish as it sounds, I'm almost hoping that she'll get fed up enough with me to break it off first.  I know, typical male thought, but it is easier to deal with women when they feel like they have the upper hand at the end. 

I'm not sure if Abbey will be in her parent's room or her own, but I want to talk to her mom and dad anyway, so I head in that direction.  I hope she'll be there too, because I don't really feel like rehashing this night twice. 

The door opens after my first few raps on the wood, and I met with the intimidating Mr. Rhodes.  He's a former footballer, and he has the patented father stare down to a science, but to my relief his face does give a little when he sees that it's me.  Or at least, I hope it softens. 

"Justin, come on in."  I'm ushered through the door and I spot Abbey and her mother sitting together on the couch. 

The poor thing looks like she's been through hell tonight, and I really can't blame her.  In fact, I almost feel a little selfish for how upset I am when Abbey's been through a whole lot worse tonight. 

"Hey," I call to her softly.  She gives me a small wave. 

"Can I get you a drink, son?"  Mr. Rhodes is rummaging through the mini bar and as much as I would love to accept, I politely decline. 

"No thanks, I just came here to check on Abbey, and to apologize for what happened earlier."

I get a look from both her parents that seem to be a mix of disbelief and upset.  To my surprise, Mr. Rhodes hands me a beer and claps me on the back. 

"No need for you to apologize.  We know that you were being provoked."  He lowers his voice a little, "and to be honest, I'm glad you got to him before I did." 

I let out a breath and turn toward Abbey.  "Still, that shouldn't have happened and I'm sorry you had to witness that.  But I promise that John won't be going anywhere near Abbey again." 

She gives me a crooked smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes and I find myself wishing I could give her a hug.   

Abbey Rhodes has to be one of the brightest people I know.  She exudes happiness and light wherever she goes, and I love being around her.  It kills me to see her look so small and defeated, especially because of some asshole like John. 

"Are you going to be OK, Jude?"  She offers me a shrug, but she stands from the couch and looks at her parents. 

"I think I'm going to head to my room and take a shower.  Thanks for everything."  She gives them both hugs and kisses her dad on the cheek before making her way to me and looping her arm through mine.  "Walk me to my room, please?" 

I nod at her and say my goodbyes to her parents, setting the untouched beer on the table and not missing the knowing look they send each other.  It unnerves me a little, but I bring my focus back to the girl next to me. 

When we get into the hallway she lets out a deep sigh and clings a little tighter to me. 

"Thanks, boss man."   

"You don't have to thank me, Jude, he was being a dick-wad."  She lets out a chuckle and I hope that the worst is really over. 

"I know, and I'm sorry that it took me something like tonight to really see it.  But still, thank you for defending me.  It makes me feel better to think about the black eye he'll be sporting for a while." 

We reach her door a second later. "Yeah, well hopefully it'll last longer than the split lip he dealt me."  She turns to face me and reaches her hand up to gently touch my face.

"Does it hurt a lot?"  I shrug in response to her question, afraid to speak with her fingers against my lips.  My mouth is tingling and I wonder how much of it is from the cut and how much of it has to do with the girl in front of me. 

"I'll be OK."  My voice is rough and comes out shakier than I would have liked, but she doesn't seem to notice.  "Get some sleep, Jude.  I'll make sure you have the morning off so you can sleep in." 

She thanks me again and turns toward her door.  Abbey stops short of entering her room key, instead turning toward me and wrapping her arms around my waist in a tight hug.  I take in a sharp breath and awkwardly pat her on the back before propelling her away from me and into her room. 

After the door is closed I let out the breath I'd been holding and lean against the wall.  My heart is beating loudly in my chest and I check to make sure I’m still alone in the hallway before letting out a string of curse words. 

This can't be happening.  This really shouldn’t be happening.

I want my spunk back.

No, really.  I’m sick of being hurt and upset and I’m really tired of remembering John and all the nasty shit he’s said to me.  I just want my sarcasm and my spunk back.  I want to enjoy this tour, too, because it’s a huge gift for me and my career and I don’t want to spend the entire thing moping around.

I also want things to go back to normal between Justin and me.  He’s been acting really strange since having dinner with me and my parents, and I don’t like the fact that I feel like I can’t joke around with him anymore.

I have a feeling that all of this strangeness is because of my parents the night we had dinner.  My mom was not-so-subtly whispering to me how handsome Justin looked, and how cute we would look together…blah blah blah.  You get the idea.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone’s face turn that many shades of red before, but I’m sure my face was just as bad.  What’s worse is that my father kept asking Justin about his future plans and how he intended to support his family when this whole music thing died down. 

Needless to say, it was a complete disaster and I don’t blame him for being distant.

“What’s up, chick?”  Rachel plops down on the couch in my dressing room and I roll my head to the side so I can look at her.

“Nothing.  Bored as fuck.”  The lint on my pants gets pretty interesting, and it keeps me from having to acknowledge the stare that Rachel is sending my way.

“Still waiting for Justin to talk to you?”

I snort a response and she laughs at me.  What a jerk.

“Abbey, you’re acting like a high schooler or something.  So what, you had a shitty dinner out with your parents and they embarrassed you and Justin.  Who cares?  Why are you acting like it’s the end of the world?  Just go talk to the guy.”

This earns an eye roll, and I turn slightly so I can see her better.  “It’s not that easy.” 

“Yes, it is.  You say ‘hey, boss man, didn’t dinner suck?’ and he says ‘Hey Jude, it did suck.  You’re mom is crazy.’ And then you two make fun of each other and the world is restored to its proper karmic balance.” 

You know something, Rachel sucks at impersonating people.  I mean, her impressions of our voices were way off, and what is with the karmic balance crap? 

“Huh?”  I stare at her, wondering why I even bothered to tell her how upset I was in the first place.  She’s supposed to be comforting me and all that girly shit, not making fun of me and doing it poorly, I might add.

“Stop sulking, Abbey Rhodes.”

“But he’s the one avoiding me!”  My voice cracks and I cringe.  I have a show to do in a couple of hours and I shouldn’t be yelling, but she made me do it.

“So, confront him about it.  Justin will keep avoiding you unless you two just talk it out and laugh about it.”

The worst part is that I know she’s right, but I would never tell her that.  Something that runs in the family: ego.  If I mentioned to Rachel that she’s said something remotely impressive, she reminds me of it for weeks.  Kind of like some other person I know on this tour…anyway.

“Why should I have to confront him about it?  He’s the one acting all crazy and shady about stuff.  I mean, I know that dinner sucked and all, but it wasn’t like I was the one drooling all over him, it was my mom!”

“Did you ever think that maybe some of what your mom said hit a little close to home, and Justin is staying away because he doesn’t want you to know how he feels about you?”  Rachel says that like she’s serious.  The eye roll that comes next actually hurts a little, but c’mon, that was the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.

“Yeah, right.”  I stare at her for a second, “Have you been smoking Marty’s blunts again, Rach?  You know, you should really stop doing that, that shit is making you hallucinate.”

She chuckles a little and stands up from the couch.

“Whatever, deny it if you want, I’m just calling it like I see it.”

“Wait, what?”  I really can’t believe that she was serious when she said that. 

This time her eyes roll, “Oh come on, Abbey, it’s so obvious that the guy has feelings for you.”

“No, it’s impossible.”  I shake my head with such force that it starts to give me a headache.  “There’s no way that Justin has any other feelings that friendship for me.  Besides, he’s got Jill.”

“Not anymore, she split with him in Memphis last week.  They were on the rocks anyway, I’m not surprised it happened at all.”

I sit back heavily against the couch and think this new idea over.  It’s ridiculous and preposterous and stupid, really.  I mean, Justin and I have been close for the past year and a half, but there’s no way that he feels anything other than friendly vibes.  The guy is like my brother, for pete’s sake.  We make fun of each other for our horrible taste in relationships…he can’t have feelings for me.  He just can’t.

“I have to go get some stuff done, but I’ll see you after your show.  I’m gonna crash on your bus tonight.”  I wave as Rachel leaves the room and suddenly the silence seems to be too much.

I really hate that she just put this thought in my head, because now I’m paranoid that something is going on.  I really just want my friendship back, and I don’t want to start second guessing everything that Justin does for me.  I especially don’t want to start reading into things and making a huge deal out of everything only to find out that he thinks of me as a little sister.  It would be embarrassing as hell for both of us.

Dammit, why can’t the drama just stop?  I mean, I finally get rid of John and suddenly I’m thrown into an episode of General Hospital.  Which, by the way, just killed off Jill’s character and I’m pretty excited about it.  Now that she’s out of Justin’s life I don’t have to pretend to like her anymore, thank God.

I don’t know what to do, either.  I desperately want things to go back to normal with me and Justin, but now that Rachel has planted this crazy idea in my head I’m worried that we can’t be friends again.  I’m being stupid, I know, but really…I think I have a right to freak out a little.

I’m going to forget what Rachel said for now and just chalk JT’s avoidance up to embarrassment over dinner the other night.  Yeah, that’s it.

Ugh.

It’s always so awkward when I find out that someone likes me and I don’t really return the feelings.  I mean, not that Justin likes me, but still.  I never know if what I’m saying is sending the wrong signals, so I usually just end up avoiding them until I think they’ve forgotten that they like me.  It’s really…juvenile.  And really, Justin having a thing for me would just break so many rules in so many ways.  He’s my boss, one of my best friends…world renowned singing sensation who has millions of fans that would slaughter me in a second…

OK, I’m getting carried away.  Justin does not have a thing for me, and I’m going to prove it by finding him and talking to him and things are going to go back to normal.

Right.

I leave the confines of my dressing room and head toward the stage.  I think Justin’s at sound check now, but I’m not sure.  Although, I hear music coming from up ahead, so my assumption just might be correct.

I spot Kenny and a couple other dancers lingering in the wings.

“Hey guys,” I offer a wave and they answer back.  “Rehearsal?”

“Yeah, there was trouble with one of the lifts so we’re doing a run through to make sure it’s all working.”  Nick answers, and I stop to chat with them for a second before Justin’s voice comes booming over the speakers, calling everyone on stage.

“That’s our cue.”  I watch them exit under the stage, so I walk around and head toward the seats. 

I know I’m not thinking about Justin in anything other than friendly terms (maybe it’ll stop him from thinking of me in any other way too) but I really do love to watch that man perform.  Especially in rehearsals, because he is a genius and he just…I don’t know, he’s captivating.  Obviously, or he wouldn’t be the superstar he is today, but there’s something special about that guy.  I feel blessed to be on this tour.

I grab a seat near a couple of the crew members and watch as Justin and the dancers run through a song.  The lift works and everything seems to go smoothly, so everyone leaves and I take my opportunity to catch Justin and fix whatever it is that’s come between us.

“Hey boss man.”  If he’s surprised that I’m there his face doesn’t show it.  He waves casually as he chugs a bottle of water.

“Hey Jude.”  Well, that’s a good sign.  He’s using the nickname. 

“Is everything OK?”  There’s an obvious double meaning behind my question but he ignores it for the moment and nods toward the stage while answering.

“Yeah.  The lift was slow, but it was just a hydraulic problem, we’re all set now.”  He finishes off the water and tosses the bottle at Rachel, who gives me the thumbs up behind his back.

“Are we cool, Justin?”  I get an eyebrow raise and feel the need to elaborate.  “I mean about dinner.  I’m sorry my mom was being so strange…and I just wanted to make sure you didn’t hate me or anything.”

He laughs, which I’m taking as a good thing.  “Don’t worry about dinner, Jude.  Your mom was just being…your mom.  It’s cool.”

I let out a breath, but still can’t help but feel that something is still off.  I’m not sure how to bring it up, though, and I certainly don’t want to mention anything about him liking me…because he doesn’t.

“Do you want to sound check now?”  He breaks through my thoughts and I give him a shrug.  “Bill’s still out here and he’s all ready for you, you might as well get it over with now.”

I grab the microphone that Bill’s holding out for me and take a seat at the piano that’s appeared on the stage. 

To my surprise, Justin takes a seat next to me on the piano bench and starts to mess around.  I give him a look at he shrugs, grinning at me as he starts to play one of my songs.  I sing for a minute or two, stopping every now and then so Bill can adjust the levels and get everything set. When he gives me the thumbs up, I stop Justin and take over the keys.

“Okay, boss man,” I say, pushing him a little, getting set before I start to play a familiar base line that has him cringing.  I laugh a little as I start to sing.  “You’re all I ever wanted…”

He tries to stop, but I box him out with my shoulders and continue to play “I Want You Back” through my bouts of laughter.  Much to my delight, his face has turned quite red, and it gets worse when a few of the crew start to sing along with me.

“I hate you, Abbey Rhodes.”  He says with a laugh, and attempts to stop me one more time. 

“Oh, you love me, Justin Timberlake.”  Suddenly there’s an awkward pause between us and my fingers stop running over the keys.  He stares at me with a look that I can’t place and I wonder if I just said something really wrong.  I watch as he licks his lips and shifts his eyes away from me, scanning over the arena.  He runs a hand over his head nervously, avoiding making eye contact again.

“You’re all set, Abbey.”  Bill calls over to us and breaks the tension a little, but it just comes back as soon as he and the other crew members leave the immediate area and it’s just me and Justin.

Why the fuck is this happening?  Really, this is not what I want and I hate the fact that I’m going to worry about everything I say now.

“Justin…” I set my hands on the piano and strike a couple of chords; trying anything I can to change the mood around us.

“Yeah?”  He looks over and me and I still can’t place the look on his face.

“Are you OK?”  My plan is to play dumb.  Maybe this will all go away if I just play dumb.

“Yeah, I’m cool.”  His own hands settle on the keys and he starts to play and old Elton John song.  “Did you know that Ben & Jerry’s is making Elton his own flavor ice cream?”  He talks as his fingers sweep the keys and I don’t really know how to respond.  “I guess he’s playing in Vermont for the first time ever, so they’ve come up with Goodbye, Yellow Brickle Road.  Chocolate ice cream with peanut butter cookie dough, other stuff like that.”

“Really?”  I don’t know where this is headed, but I’m thankful for the new topic.  Justin seems to have forgotten the awkward moment we just had, or he’s pretending he did.  I don’t know how to handle this, so I’m just going to take his lead and go with it.

“Yeah.  I’m thinking that when we stop in Vermont we should go to Ben & Jerry’s and get a tour, free samples or some shit like that.”

“Sure.  I’m always up for free ice cream.”

He nods his head, not saying anything else as he continues to play.  I wonder what’s happened between us, and I can’t help but replay Rachel’s words in my head.  There’s no way that Justin Timberlake could have a thing for me.  Not a snowball’s chance in Hell. 

But what if he does?

I mean…what do I do if my boss likes me?  The guy that I’ve been a fan of for years; the guy that’s making me a star; the guy that sucks at Guitar Hero but can play a real guitar like a god…

Nope.  Impossible.  I refuse to entertain these thoughts anymore.  There is nothing but brotherly/sisterly love between us and it’s going to stay that way.

“Hey,” My voice grabs his attention, but he doesn’t stop playing.  “What do you say I kick your ass in Guitar Hero?”

Abruptly, his hands stop moving and his eyes focus in on me.  “You’re on.  And don’t be too sure about kicking my ass this time…I’ve been practicing.”

Ben & Jerry’s!?

Did I really ignore her obvious question and change the subject by talking about Ben & Jerry’s? 

Wow, Timberlake, you’re a fucking idiot.

This whole thing is really throwing me off, and now that Jill is out of the picture I have nothing to distract me from the niggling voice in the back of my head that keeps reminding me that I’m attracted to my artist/friend.  What’s worse is that my best friend and cousin have caught onto my sudden influx of feelings and neither of them will leave me alone about it.

It’s getting really annoying and it’s making me want to deny everything even more, just so I can prove that they’re wrong.  Oh…I wish they were wrong.

“Where’s your other half?”  Rachel tosses her purse and a bag down on the couch in my suite and flops herself down.

“He had some stuff for Rast to get done so he left to meet up with Joe.”  We’re currently in Chicago so Trace decided to fly out and get some work done with our buddy Joe that lives in the area.  I would’ve gone with him, but I had some phone interviews to get done so I had to camp out here.  Not a fun time.

“I was talking about Abbey.  You two are generally connected at the hip.”  I decide to ignore the obvious jab.

“She had a photo shoot today and an interview.  She’ll be back around two, and the she has a phone interview to do with TRL before sound check.”

Rachel gives me a long stare and I know she can’t keep herself from commenting.  “You sure do know a lot about her location.”  She says that like I’m being creepy or something.

“I’m her manager.” I use my best ‘duh’ voice.

“Yeah, but not her personal assistant.  I know shit like that about you because you’d be wandering around like an idiot if I didn’t, but I can guarantee that Johnny doesn’t always know your whereabouts.” 

I close my eyes and count to ten.  This is all starting to get on my nerves.  “First off, I don’t walk around like an idiot when you’re not around.  Secondly, I know Abbey’s shit because Trish is worthless and I’m trying to make sure her career goes as smoothly as possible.  We’re also on tour together, so it makes it pretty damn easy to know who has to be where at what time.”

She holds her hands up in defense and stands up from the couch.  “No need to get touchy, Timberlake.”

“Yeah, well if you’d get off my fucking back about Abbey and whatever crush you think I have, I might not get so upset.”  This time the hurt look on her face is real and I almost feel bad for snapping.

“You’re lucky we’re related, because that’s the only reason I’m not walking out of this hotel right now.”  She slams the door to the other room of the suite and I cringe a little.  Maybe I was out of line with that last comment, but I am seriously sick of hearing about my feelings for Abbey, especially since I haven’t been able to figure them out myself.  I find it hard to believe that other people would know more about how I’m feeling than I do, and I just want to be left alone so I can figure some shit out for myself.

Part of me worries that this crush comes from my break up with Jill and the fact that I’ve always had more fun with Abbey.  I mean, we’ve been friends for a year now and being around her is a blast, but I’d never imagined what it would be like to kiss her until the past few weeks.  In my book, that’s an obvious sign because I don’t normally walk around wondering what it’s like to kiss girls.  I’m still not convinced though.

I do know that I’m trying really hard to ignore it, but it’s damn hard.  She’s been trying to spend more time with me lately, and because we’ve talked I can’t avoid her anymore.  I mean, it was pretty silly of me to try and avoid her to begin with.  I just…I still don’t know what to say to her, and I’m trying so hard to remind myself that it’s just Abbey, but every time I look at her I see someone I didn’t see before.

I’ve always thought she was beautiful, but after witnessing her stand up to John and dealing with all that shit….she’s…

Ah shit, I’m getting all gushy and shit.  This can’t be good. 

Rachel keeps telling me to talk to her and just lay it all out, but I know that it’s not that simple.  I just have this gut feeling that Abbey isn’t ready to hear about any non-platonic feelings, and I really don’t want to mess up our friendship.  Well, I don’t want to make it any more awkward than it already is.

I don’t know what to do and it’s putting me in a pretty bad mood (which Rachel would gladly attest to, I’m sure).  I’m thinking that getting out of this hotel room will help, and I haven’t been to the gym in a while, so that’s where I think I’m gonna head off to.

I hate it when a thought like this gets stuck in my head, because then I dwell on it and let it grow into a huge problem until it completely consumes me.  I know that Abbey Rhodes is all I’m going to be able to think about until I can get some space away from her so I can get over whatever these feelings are.  The only problem with that is we’ve still got another two months together on this tour and I am her manager…that doesn’t leave a lot of time apart.  Maybe I’ll schedule some time in Europe so I can get away for a minute.

That’s so horrible, isn’t it?  Figuring out ways to get out of the country so I can get over some girl. 

Mick is outside my suite when I exit the room, so I grab him and take him down to the gym with me.  Normally I can go alone and I’m not bothered, but I would like a little company today, and Mick’s a kick ass sounding board.

I set up at the bench press and wait for Mickey to spot before I start my reps.  He eyes me carefully and I know that he’s figured out that something it wrong.

“You going to tell me what’s in your head, or are you going to make me wait it out?”  I don’t say anything, only let out a breath as I push the bar up one last time and guide it onto the stand.

“Am I that obvious?”  We move to the leg press.  He grabs a seat next to me as I adjust the weight and get settled.

“You only have that look on your face when something is on your mind, and I know you’re looking for someone to spill to because I’m guessing Rachel and Abbey have spouted their opinions and you’re not sure what to do with them.”

“You’re close.”  I start my reps, trying to organize my thoughts so I can make some sense.  “Rachel and Trace have spouted their opinions because this time it’s about Abbey.”

He looks worried for a second, “Is she OK?  It’s not that John guy, is it?”

“Oh hell no.”  I grunt out as I finish my last set.  “He’s long gone, as far as I know.  This is about me and Abbey.”

A small grin breaks out on his face, “I was wondering how long it would take for the two of you to start something.  I thought it would have been long before now.”  Am I the only one that never saw this coming?  Seriously.

“There’s nothing going on between us.”  I might be pouting, and I’m damn glad that there isn’t anyone else in this room to witness this.

“Right, but you want there to be something.”  He follows me over to the free weights and I plop down on the bench, giving him a long stare.

“Yeah, I do.  It’s driving me fucking crazy, Mick.  I can’t get this chick out of my head and everything inside me tells me that it’s wrong.  I mean, she’s my artist and I manage her career, that could get pretty messy.  And one top of that, she’s one of my best friends.  I don’t want to ruin all of that just because I’m finally starting to notice that she’s cute.”

Mick stares at me for a minute before shrugging and picking up a hand weight.  “I don’t see what your problem is, then.  You’ve pretty much just stated your case right there.”

I go over my outburst in my head and realize that he’s right.  I still can’t convince myself, though, and I know that it won’t be that easy.

“OK, but what do I do about these feelings?  Just because I don’t want them doesn’t mean they’re going to go away.”  He stays quite for a moment, finish up a set and moving the weight to the other hand.

“The only advice I can give you is to follow your gut.  Listen to what your instincts tell you about all of this, and eventually it’ll work itself out.”

He seems to be finished with the dispensing of advice, so I move onto the treadmill in the corner and pop my ear buds in.  He’s right and I know it, but I’m just so afraid that it’s all going to come back and bite me in the ass if I ignore it.  What’s worse is that I’m even more afraid that it’s going to bite me in the ass if I acknowledge it.  The last thing I want to do is fuck up my friendship with Abbey over a little crush.  She means a lot to me as a friend, and I don’t want to lose that. 

I try to focus on the music in my ears and the rhythm of my feet instead of my thoughts.  The physical activity feels good, and it gives me a chance to let everything else fade into background noise.  It’s probably a good thing for me that I’m on tour right now, because that means I get to stand up on stage for a couple hours every night and be a different person.  This person doesn’t have the problems I’m currently facing.

To be honest, right now I would love to just slip into Entertainer Justin and pretend that I am that cool and I am that suave.  In reality, I’m a huge dork and obviously I don’t have my way with the ladies.  I wonder which Justin Abbey likes more?

…and that train of thought is going to be thrown off the track right now.  Wow.  That really just went through my head.  Unbelievable. 

I slow my speed on the treadmill and walk for a few minutes so I can catch my breath and cool off.  I don’t think this trip to the gym succeeded in bringing on any epiphanies, but it made me feel a little bit better to get off my ass and do something.  It was also nice to hear Mick’s take on things, and I know he’s right about the gut thing.  I just don’t know if I want to listen to what my gut is telling me.

“Hey boss man.”  Her voice rings through my ears and scares me from my reverie.

“Hey, Jude.”  She grabs a seat on the weight’s bench and watches as I take a swig of water and towel off.  Her stare is making me nervous, and it’s a good thing I’m already sweaty.

“Don’t you get enough of a work out on stage every night? Jesus, you’ve probably lost ten pounds already.”  She scans up and down my body and I suddenly feel like I’m in one of those dreams where you’re naked in front of a crowd and you can’t seem to find a way out.

“I needed to clear my head.”  I shrug, not sure what else to say.  So I decide to change the subject from me to her.  “How was the photo shoot?”

“Pretty cool, actually.  She had some awesome set ups with a piano and this lighting trick.  I think you’ll like the finished products.”  She turns to straddle the bench as I move over to where my bag is sitting.  “She was even nice enough to listen when I said nothing too sexual or racy.  I felt comfortable, for once.”

“That’s good.”  I take another swig of my water and try really hard not to picture Abbey as sexual or racy.  “You might want to get up to your room, though, you have an interview soon.”  She gets a look on her face and I’m suddenly aware that I’m about to get news that I don’t like.

“Actually…they want you there too.”  She bites her lip and I almost stop myself from thinking it’s cute when she does that.  “Trish talked to the producers and they were hoping you could be a surprise and do a quick couple minutes on the phone too.”

“And let me guess, Trish said yes without asking my permission?”  I shouldn’t be getting upset at Abbey for my bad choice in PA.  But still, the last thing I want to do on my afternoon off is phone interviews with stupid VJs.  OK, only Damien is stupid…but really…he’s too old for that job.

“They said they wouldn’t take my call if you weren’t there too.”  Well that just pisses me right off.  Abbey is an artist of her own, and TRL knows better than to blackmail people into getting bigger celebrities.

“You’re kidding me?”  She shakes her head and looks down at her hands, twisting them in an awkward fashion.

“I wish I were.”  She looks up at me and lets out a sigh.  “I thought I was past name dropping, you know?  I really thought that people were seeing me as my own artist and…it just sucks that they’re still only seeing you.”

“First of all, TRL are a bunch of big, stupid idiots if they’re only seeing me.  And secondly, you are your own artist.”  I take a seat next to her and focus on my words instead of breathing her in.  “Jude, you’ve been number one on the Billboard Charts for over four weeks now, and you’re record has taken off.  I highly doubt that that’s because they’re still seeing my name attached.  You’ve done an awesome job of becoming your own artist and I am incredibly proud of you.  So, if TRL wants us both, that’s what they’ll get, they’ll just have to listen to me gush about my favorite artist.”

I throw my arm around her shoulder and bring her into my side, trying to will my muscles to relax.  She scrunches her nose and pushes me away.

“You stink.”  I laugh, glad that the tension is broken.

It feels good that she and I can still be relatively normal, even though I’ve pictured her in her underwear at least three times now.  Hey, I am a man, after all.  But despite my strong desire to throw her up against the wall and kiss her senseless, I do know that it’s probably best if I swallow any feelings and just keep in normal.  I think she needs that, and…I think I need that, too.

“Well, grab your phone and come with me.  If you want me to stink less we’ll have to head to my room so I can shower before the interview.”

“Can you walk behind me?”  She takes a couple longs strides toward the exit, looking over her shoulder as she does so.  “I don’t want to be down-wind of you.”

I laugh, throwing my sweaty towel at her head and sprinting after her.  I don’t know how I’m going to do this, but I am determined to make sure our friendship stays intact and that I don’t fuck it up by being incredibly stupid.  Here’s to hoping that I can manage that feat.  Lord knows I am the master at incredibly stupid, both Trace and Rachel would gladly attest to that fact.

I pick at the lint on the cushions beneath me.  You’d think that in a hotel as expensive as this one, the furniture wouldn’t have lint on it.

 Every now and then I can hear Justin’s tenor float over from the bathroom.  He’s taking a shower, and I’m bored off my ass as I wait for him. 

We don’t have too much time before we have to call into TRL for my phone interview.  I’m pretty pissed that Justin has to be here too, and something in me thinks that my oh-so-capable personal assistant has something to do with it.  I’m not sure if the big wigs at TRL asked if Justin were available too, or if Trish mentioned that he was around.  Whatever it was, neither my boss nor myself are happy campers.

I’m hoping that Justin does away with Trish soon, but I know that it would cause a shit load more work for him.  He’s a busy dude, especially with this huge freakin’ tour we’re on.  I mean, the guy barely has time to piss before he’s being whisked off to do something else, and then every few nights he’s out there shaking his ass in front of thousands of screaming fans.  I’m really not sure how he does it and still manages to smile most of the time.

Big emphasis on Most of the time, too.  Because, let’s be honest, my boss can be a pretty cranky asshole, if you ask me.  But I can forgive him for it.

“Hey!”  Rachel comes bounding into the room, plopping down on the couch next to me.  “What brings you here?  Lover boy said you had a phone interview this afternoon.”

If looks could kill, Rachel would be dead about five times over.  What a bitch.

“I’m not sure who you’re referring to, my friend.  But I do have an interview, I just won’t have one if boss man isn’t there too.”  Her eyes widen at my confession and I nod solemnly.  Yup, pity party over here!

“You’re shitting me!” She whispers, as if saying it any louder might cause a disturbance in the force or something.  Fine, you caught me, I was watching Star Wars last night.  “What’s JT have to say about this one?”

“Oh, he’s thrilled, as usual.  But there’s not much he can do about it.  I kinda need the interview, especially since I’m supposed to be introducing my next single and telling everyone that the video will be out soon.”  Yep, you heard it.  I get to make another video.

I guess the first one did really well, so the Record Execs have decided that another one should come sooner than later, so my face can stay out there.  Plus, my next single got leaked on the internet.  It’s a preemptive strike.  And yes, I would like you to acknowledge that I used a big word.  Go me.

“Hey Jude, you ready?”  Justin’s muffled voice sounds over my head, and I look up to see him rubbing a towel over his head.  “Oh, hey Rach.”  It’s a tense ‘hello’ and I fear that things aren’t so good between the cousins.

“Didn’t take long for you and Abbey to be back together, huh?”  The look on Justin’s face as he freezes in his spot tells me that he’s just as shocked as I am.  I can’t believe she said that.  What I can’t believe even more is that she’s said something to both Justin and I, which means she’s serious about this whole ‘he’s in love with you’ theory.

“Wow, I must have really pissed you off.”  Is his only response.  I hear the soft thud of the towel as it hits the bathroom floor.  Justin reappears a moment later, giving me a glance as he grabs the phone off the side table. 

“Yeah, you might say that.”  Rachel retorts.  I feel like I’m watching an intense tennis match.  Back.  “You can be an insensitive prick sometimes, you know that?”

Fourth.  “How could I not know it, my dear cousin?  You remind me at least once a day.”

Back.  “Good, maybe one day you’ll actually catch on.”

Fourth.  “Honestly, can you just let this shit go, for once?  I yelled at you and I’m sorry, but you keep bringing up shit that isn’t true and I really get tired of hearing it.”

Rachel’s face turns a shade of red that doesn’t seem natural, but her retort is cut off when Justin holds up his finger and starts to talk to someone on the other end of the phone.  It’s like a switch has been hit, but not really.  His voice sounds normal, laced with laughter and a playfulness that he reserves for public appearances.  His body though, is another story.  I can see the tension in his shoulders, and he’s started to pace the living room.  His steps are short and choppy, like he’s stomping his feet against the carpet.

I really wish I didn’t have to be in this room right now. 

His eyes lock on me and I hear him mention my name.  A second later I’m being given the phone.  The interview is pretty short, and I barely have time to register that it’s started before it’s already over.  So much for publicity.

It’s not even a second after I press the off button on the phone before all hell breaks loose.

“You are one self-righteous bastard, Justin Randall.”  Ooh, the middle name.  I’m about ready to duck and cover.  “I’m just trying to look out for you, OK?”

“Look out for me?  Really?  Fuck, Rach, looking out for me means making sure I’m eating right or getting enough sleep.  Bashing some stupid fucking idea over my head every chance you get isn’t looking out for me.”

I didn’t know it was physically possible for a person’s jaw to do that.  I’m tempted to reach out and touch Rachel’s face to see what that feels like, but I’m afraid she’s bite my fingers off.  I need those, you know.

“Some stupid fucking idea??”  I also didn’t know that her voice could reach that octave.  “Justin, you’re miserable and it’s obvious.  Even Trace can see it!  All I was doing was trying to get you to admit your feelings for Abbey before you drove yourself crazy.”

Did you hear that?  Yep…this record just stopped.

Maybe it was the mention of my name, or perhaps the loud gasp for air I just took, but something reminded the two fighting cousins of my presence in this room.

“Fuck.”  It’s Rachel that says it, and she knows that she’s about to get it from me, too.  And if she doesn’t know, she’s about to find out.

“You’ve been doing what?”  I think my nostrils are flaring, I’m so mad.  “You’ve seriously been bothering Justin with this phantom idea you’ve got in your head about the two of us having something between us?  Because I thought I asked you to drop that subject too.”

Justin takes a step back, seeming to enjoy the ass-reaming Rachel is getting.

“I…No, I just…”  She stammers; a sure sign that she’s dug herself into a hole she can’t get out of.

“Rachel, did you even think, for once, that you’re wrong about all of this?  Did you ever stop to think that Justin and I are just friends and by trying to get us to admit some sort of lust for the other you’re just succeeding in making yourself look like an ass?”  I take a breath, my chest is heaving and I’m starting to sweat.  I’m so pissed off right now.

“But I know it’s true!”  She looks to be on the verge of tears.  At this point, I don’t care.

“Even if it is, it’s obvious that we’re both sick of hearing about it.  I’m sure we’ve both asked you a number of times to leave it alone, and I’m pretty sure that this will be the last time.”

My little tirade ends and the three of us are left in a particularly tense silence.  Rachel looks like she’s ready to crawl into a hole and Justin looks like he doesn’t know weather to hug me for saying all that, or take one last parting shot at Rachel.

“I’m sorry.”  She mumbles out, barely audible. 

“Just…just leave it alone, ok?”  Justin’s voice is soft, but the tone is still serious.  “I know you thought you meant well but you’re way off base and I think it’s time we all just moved on.”

I’m not sure what this feeling is that’s settling in my chest as I hear him say “way off base” which means there really are no festering feelings in my direction.  I’m not sure I want to explore it, either.

Rachel says nothing as she leaves the room, a few sniffles fall in her wake.

Justin rubs his hand over the back of his neck and up onto his head.  Yup, I feel nervous too. 

“So she’d told you about her ideas on my uncontrollable lust, huh?”  I attempt to chuckle with him but it gets stuck in my throat.  I’m not sure why I feel so uncomfortable.  Maybe I just feel bad because I just reamed one of my good friends a new ass hole.  Yeah, that has to be it.

“Yeah, she came to me after the whole fiasco with my parents.  She was trying to tell me that you were acting strange because my mom was hitting a little too close to home.”

“Yeah, I heard that one too.”  We stand there in an awkward silence, neither of us really sure what to do.  I return to picking the lint off of the couch, and Justin shifts from one foot to the other.

“Do you think she’ll be OK?”  I’m asking about Rachel, because it seems like neutral ground and it’s helping us avoid the other subject.  You know, the subject about deep, hidden feelings that my boss supposedly holds for me.  Yeah, that one.

“I’ll go talk to her in a little bit.  She probably needs to cool off a bit, and I know I should, too.  I can’t afford to lose another PA.”  He rubs his hands over his head again, and the tension in the room is palpable.

“Justin?”  I have trouble looking up at him, but I’m not sure how to pose this next question, or how he’ll respond to it.  I can feel his stare on me and I know that I should say something before he thinks I’ve gone mute or something.  Oh, I bet he’d love that one.

“Jude?  You still there?”  I chance a look up at him and he’s waiting for me to say what’s on my mind.

“Do you think…”  Damn, I feel tongue tied.  “Is it possible for us to just let all this crap go and go back to being friends?  I’m really tired of all the tension between all of us…” and I really miss you.  That’s the end of the sentence I won’t say.

“I’m sorry, Abs.  I guess I’ve been a little on edge because of everything that’s been going on.  It doesn’t help that my cousin and best friend have to remind me of some supposed crush every time I mention your name.  I just….Yeah, we’ll be fine.  I’ll talk to Rachel and Trace and hopefully we can all go back to annoying each other about other stupid shit.”

I manage a chuckle.  I do feel somewhat better, but there’s something in the way he’s not quite looking at me when he talks that makes me wonder what’s really going on in his head.  I can’t imagine the stress he’s under, so maybe it’s just like he said.  Maybe we’ve all just been a little tense lately.

“We’ll have a little time off when we get to New York, too.”  My head snaps up at those words.  I’d forgotten about New York.  Being in the Big Apple also means HBO will be in town at the Garden show, and I know that Justin is looking forward to that more than anything.  I’m excited for other reasons.

“Do I get to shoot my video??”

“That was the plan.  Do you have an idea for the concept yet?  We’ve hired Dave Meyers and he’s really good about collaboration and all that.”

“I haven’t really thought about it,” Which is only slightly the truth.  My next single is more of a love song and I know that means that I’m probably going to have a love interest in this video.  That makes me a little uncomfortable.

Not that I’m opposed to hanging on hot guys and them not being able to push me away (at least while the camera is rolling, anyway).  I just…I went through a hell of a time with John, and it still stings to think about it.  Then there was all this weird, crazy stuff with Justin.  I think I was hoping to avoid the thought of guys as love interests for a while.  Maybe the rest of my life, if possible.

“Well I can ask Dave to send over a treatment and you can tweak whatever you want.  I’ll go over it with you, if you want.”

I nod at him, lost in my thoughts.  Rachel would be a great resource for something like this, but I’m pretty sure that she’s currently pissed at me.  That’s no good.

It’s times like these when I feel that being on tour is a really lonely place.  Most of my friends are back home, probably working because it’s the middle of the day, and they don’t understand that I can’t just call whenever I want to.  It’s busy as fuck around here, and any seconds of down time that I get are spent sleeping.  Sleeping or catching up with my parents, who, by the way, are still asking me how Justin is doing.

Maybe I should have Rachel talk to them for me.  Ha.

“Hey Jude, I’m gonna go find Rachel and talk to her.  I have a meeting with Trace in an hour or so, but I’ll see you sometime tonight.”

“Sure thing Boss man.  I think I’m going to find a piano so I can get my creative juices flowing.  I don’t want a lame video or anything.  I mean, if I don’t think of something creative I might end up just walking through the streets of New York following some girl in cowboy boots that remind me of Footloose.”

The dirty look that Justin sends my way is quite worth the long-windedness of that sentence.  I pass him as I head toward the door and I can’t help but hum a few bars of “I’m Lovin’ It.”  I get a pillow chucked at my head as a response.

Yeah…I’m thinking we shouldn’t have too much trouble getting back to normal. 

~*~

It took me a while to actually find the piano hidden in this damn hotel.  I got a lot of strange looks from people when I asked where their piano was, and when I finally got an answer I also got the third degree because the piano ended up being on Justin’s floor (go figure) and they didn’t believe that I was part of the tour.

I was saved by a lovely tour poster with my mug plastered all over it.  I promptly received an apology and a request for an autograph.  Unfortunately for the hotel worker, Justin wasn’t around to sign her boobs.

I sit down at the bench and let my fingers fall over the keys.  I pluck out a few chords before settling into my song and letting it take over for a second.  Even more than I love writing music, I love playing it.  There’s something so cathartic and therapeutic about sitting down and letting a piano or guitar move the words and melody to another level.  It’s even cooler to do it in front of thousands of people.

Being on this tour has been a huge, life changing experience for me.  Not only am I a part of one of the biggest shows pop culture has seen, people are hearing my music and actually enjoying it.

I have the coolest job ever.

Although, making this music video is part of my job and right now I’m a little worried about it.

I don’t want my video to look like all the other Times Square videos.  Especially since there have been a few done recently.  I don’t want to stand on a subway grate and have my skirt blow up.  I don’t want to follow someone or have someone follow me (yeah, I’m making fun of Justin again.)  I don’t want to just stand on the top of some building and sing.

Well, Hell, there go all my ideas.  Just kidding.  I think.

It might be cool to put a piano on a roof and do some shots with the skyline, but that’s not a story line.  I think I need to be worrying about my story line.

I really liked Coldplay’s video for “The Scientist,” how they did the whole thing backwards.  It might be cool to do something like that.  Maybe start the story at the end and then end up at the beginning.  I also think I want it to be black and white.

Sighing in frustration, I bang on the keys a little and rest my head on the wood of the piano.  I can’t think about this right now.

I hear a faint knock on the door and Rachel pokes her head around the corner.  Her hand follows, and she’s waving a white towel.  “It was the closest thing I could find to a white flag.”

I laugh, a genuine laugh this time, and motion for her to come in.  “You’re a dork, my friend, but I love you anyway.  The surrender wasn’t necessary, I’d forgiven you a while ago.”

“Well thanks for the heads up.  After talking to Justin I figured you were still pretty upset.”  She takes a seat next to me on the bench.  I shrug and let my hands lightly tough the keys.

“I think I was mostly upset because I knew that all of the tension and weirdness following me around was probably due to Justin being upset.  I mean, Justin’s moods often dictate the atmosphere for the rest of the crew, you know?  And when I heard that you’d been bugging him about whatever idea you had…I guess I was upset and a little embarrassed.”

“Embarrassed?  I didn’t accuse you of having a crush.”  She starts to play Chop Sticks and I add a lower octave.

“Yeah, but you put Justin into a pretty awkward position, and he had to admit his lack of feelings for me while I was standing in the room.  It was obvious that he was completely frustrated with the situation and I’m sure he didn’t want to hurt my feelings or anything.”

Rachel lets out a noise and I give her a look.

“I’m sorry you had to deal with that,” She concedes.  “I’ll do my best to just leave it all alone and not mention my hunches anymore.  You’ll just have to do me a favor, too.”

“OK, shoot.”

“Don’t get mad when I say ‘I told you so.”  She grins and I let out a groan.

Really…can’t she just let it die?

If anyone has ever doubted my acting abilities, they only have to watch me around Abbey and know that I should never be doubted again.  Really, even I’m amazed at how I’ve been handling myself lately, especially when Rachel and Trace are around at the same time Abbey is.

After the whole fight with Rachel I decided that I truly needed to quash any feelings I had for Abs so I wouldn’t tip her off (and I didn’t want to hear it from my cousin anymore).  To their credit, everyone has shut up about the whole thing and life has mostly returned to normal.  Well, as normal as life for Justin Timberlake can get, anyway.

I will say that it’s been easier than usual the past couple of days to keep my mind off of my non-crush.  We’re days away from the Madison Square Garden show for HBO and I am so fucking excited it’s not even funny.  I want everything to be perfect, so I’ve been even more anal than usual, but I just want this show to be on point.  HBO is a big deal, and this is the show that’ll be on DVD for everyone else to watch that didn’t get to go to the actual tour.  Needless to say, I’m being picky about everything.

I’ve also been trying to help Abbey get situated for her next video shoot.  Filming starts today and I haven’t had a chance to meet with Dave to hear about his concept, and I haven’t seen Abbey either. 

Which is why my curiosity is brining me down to the dance studio where filming has started up for the day.

I actually laughed out loud when Abbey told me her concept for the video.  It’s widely known how much the girl hates to dance, so I was genuinely shocked when she told me she wanted it to be centered around a dancer.  Of course, she was quick to point out that her character doesn’t know how to dance, and the love interest is the hunky instructor that makes it all worth while.

Still, I think it’s funny as hell that she’s stepping into a dance studio on her own free will.  But I’ll give her some credit for stepping out of her comfort zone, well, after I tease her about her terrible dancing.

Mickey and I reach the studio where the video shoot is taking place, and I sneak in the back so I can watch without being spotted yet.  I don’t want to make her nervous, and I’d like to see what’s going on before I make my presence known.

I grab a spot toward the back of the room and search the small area until my eyes land on Abbey and Channing Tatum.  Well, now I see who her hunky instructor is.

How the hell did she land this guy without me knowing about it, anyway?

Dave calls quiet and I hear the music que up before I start seeing red.  Well, I should probably say green. 

A streak of jealousy so hot and so overwhelming courses through my veins at a rapid speed.  I actually have to pull my collar away from my throat in an attempt to fill my lungs and cool myself off.  I can’t take my eyes away as Abbey circles around Channing and they gyrate across the dance floor. 

So this is what this feels like.

I’m not usually a jealous person, I’ve never had cause to be, but I’m about ready to go over there and pull him off of her and slap him for the thoughts that I know are running through his male mind right now.  I know the look in his eyes as he watches Abbey sashay away from him, and I know that I feel like punching him for thinking those thoughts.

I take my eyes off of Channing for a second and know I’ve made a mistake.  Abbey is in a pair of cut off shorts with pink tights underneath.  On top she’s wearing a very form fitting running top, and I wish I hadn’t noticed how it gives her some killer curves.  I know I’m done for when she bends at the waist to stretch, and my eyes follow the lines of her legs and hips like I’m dying for thirst and she’s the only water around.

Yeah…this sucks.

Dave calls cut and I scramble to find my way out of there before I’m spotted, but I don’t make it out in time.  I hear Abbey call my name and I contemplate pretending that I couldn’t hear her, but it’s not loud enough in here for that be to a viable excuse.

“Hey Jude.”  I hope my voice doesn’t sound as strangled as it feels at the moment.

“Hey Bossman!”  She beams at me and I want to reach out and touch her flushed cheeks.  “How long have you been here?  Did you see that last take?”

I don’t trust my voice at the moment, so I only nod and try my best to smile.  If she notices my awkwardness she doesn’t show it, instead turning around to call Channing over.

“Justin, this is Channing, Channing this is my boss, Justin Timberlake.”  I wave slightly at the man and grit my teeth as he wraps his arms around her waist from behind.  I think I might puke.

“We’ve met.  The ’06 VMA’s, right?”  Channing smiles genially at me and I have to remind myself that there’s absolutely no reason for me to be jealous and territorial.

“Yeah, it was.  I’ve seen your work, you’re a great dancer, man.”  That doesn’t even sound forced.

See?  I’m a phenomenal actor.

Abbey beams up at him, “Yeah, I’m hoping the talent will rub off on me.”

Here’s the part where I start to wonder why my talent isn’t good enough to rub off on her, and then my thoughts wander to the rubbing that I’d have in mind for spreading that talent…and then I realize where I am and blush profusely.  Fortunately, it seems the only person that notices is Mickey, because I catch his all-knowing glance and chuckle, but I shake it off in time.

“How long are you staying?”  She’s hopeful when she’s asks, but I know I can’t take much more of this torture, so I lie.  No, wait, I act.

“Uhm, not much longer.  I just wanted to stop by and see how things were going.  I have to get back to the arena.  I’ve got a…an interview in a little bit.”  Phew, nice save.

“Oh.”  I don’t  miss the disappointment, and I just barely manage to stop the smug smile that makes it way to my lips.  “Well, I’ll see if I can get some of the footage from what we’ve done so we can check it out later.”

“Sounds great.”  I say my goodbyes to those nearest and then do something that might jeopardize all my hard work these last few days.  I lean down and gently grab Abbey’s elbow, bringing her out of Channing’s embrace and toward me, where I plant a soft, lingering kiss on her cheek, just on the corner of her mouth.  My eyes never leave the other man’s as the whole exchange happens.  He gives me a look and I know I just marked territory that doesn’t belong to me.

Shit.

Mickey and I make a hasty exit out the back door.  I let out a breath that I didn’t know I was holding and look over at my body guard when he starts to cluck at me.

“You know, Justin, it might have been more subtle if you peed on her.”  I scoff.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”  I click my seatbelt and settle myself back in the seat, a rigidity in my frame that I know won’t leave until I find a way to relax.

“You know exactly what I’m talking about, boy.  That nice little ‘back of bitch’ stare you handed Pretty Boy.  And the kiss on the cheek?  Really, JT, I thought you were smarter than that.”

The wind leaves my sails and I deflate like an old balloon.  “I am smarter than that,” I grumble, “I just seem to loose my head when she’s around.”

Another laugh.  “No shit, Sherlock.”  He waits a few seconds before going on.  “You’re just lucky that our little pop princess was too caught up in her dancing partner to notice you’re little show back there.”

“She was not caught up in him.”  Yeah, that would be the jealousy talking.  Mickey laughs again and I’m about ready to stuff something in his mouth to shut him up.

“Sure, JT, she’s not caught up in him just like you’re not caught up in her.”

You know that old saying ‘curiosity killed the cat’? Now I know what everyone’s talking about when they use that term.  I really wish I hadn’t let my curiosity get the best of me, because now all I can see when I close my eyes is the way she kept looking at him.  And all I can think about it how I wish she’d look at me that way.

~*~

Rachel bounces into the room and I swallow the groan that bubbles up my throat.  Things have been a lot better between everyone lately, and I don’t want to piss anyone off.  Well, I should be more specific.  I don’t want to piss Rachel off, because those couple of days that she was mad at me were hell.  My coffee was cold, my bagel order was always wrong, and she started to send me my day schedule in other languages.

Note to self: Never piss of your personal assistant.

“Hey Justin.”  She lightly plops herself onto the couch next to me and I force myself to relax and smile.  It’s not Rachel’s fault that I’m on edge.  “Did you hear about Abbey’s new crush?”

OK.  Now it’s her fault.

“What?”  Honestly, I should be getting a Oscar for this shit.

“The guy they put in her video.  Channing Tatum, the dancer,” I think she sways a little when she says his name and I think I might just puke. “I guess he’s made quite the impression on our little Abbey and she can’t shut up about the guy.”

“The guy from that Dirty Dancing knock-off movie?”  I get ‘the look’ and know that my acting skills are slipping.

“He was in Step Up with Jenna.  Don’t play dumb.”  She grabs a magazine off the coffee table in front of us and starts to flip through it.  I don’t usually keep those things around me, but this one had a drunk picture of Trace in it and I just had to get it so I could give him shit for it. 

“I never thought that Abbey would want to date a dancer, I mean, she’s not too fond of me and Marty for making her dance in the show.”  This is good, I’m conversing and there’s no sign of jealousy.

“Right, but this is different.”  I turn a little away from her, afraid of what she’s about to reveal to me.  “Abbey does hate dancing but it’s a whole new ballgame when the guy you’re dating is a dancer.  I’ll bet he can show Abbey moves that she’s never dreamed of before.”

I nearly choke on the sip of water I just took, and Rachel has to slap me on the back a few times before the coughing subsides.  I wave her off and nod my head when she repeatedly asks if I’m OK.

“I’m fine.  I just swallowed down the wrong pipe, that’s all.”  I close my eyes and lean my head back against the couch.  Great, new mental images to add to the collection.

“Well, you’ve got another half hour before your interview.”  She pats me on the knee and gets up.  “It’s a phone one, don’t bother changing.”

“What?  An interview?”  I thought I was making that up when I told it to Abbey earlier.

“Yeah, an interview.  You know, those things where people ask you questions and you answer? Make a few lewd comments and plug your tour.  Jeeze, Timberlake, you on something?”

“Ha ha.  You should be a comedian.”  I flip her off as she leaves the room laughing at me. 

As soon as I know she’s gone I let out the sigh that’s been building in my chest.  I don’t know how much longer I can go on pretending that things are cool.  It’s going to be even worse if Abbey decides that she actually likes Ballerina Boy because it means I’m going to have to watch them get all mushy and shit around me.  Just thinking about it makes me want to hit something…or someone.

You know, Kermit was right, it really isn’t easy being green.

I think I have a crush.

I feel like a teenager or something, but really, I can’t stop thinking about how it felt to be in his arms.  Obviously it was just for the video shoot that I was in his arms, but I certainly won’t complain.

Channing Tatum is one handsome hunk of Man Meat.  I never thought that I would enjoy dancing, but with that God leading me across the room, I could dance all night.

We have two more days left of shooting and I’m a little bummed that he’ll be leaving, but Rachel has been pushing me to give the guy my number.  We’ll see.  I’m really not sure how I feel about him.  He hot and I’m VERY attracted, but I’m also really weary of getting into something with someone else in the business.

I’ve been a little worried about Justin lately.  He’s been acting strange and he’s become obsessed with this HBO show.  I understand the importance to him, really I do, but I don’t think he’s sleeping or eating much anymore.  He looks possessed, and every time I try to talk to him about my video he gets pale and suddenly has to run off to do something else.  I know he’s stressed…I’ve just never had his stress affect our friendship before.

Things between us were better after the whole Rachel blow up.  It almost felt like normal again.  I would sense some discomfort when Rachel and Trace were around with us, too, but I expected that.  I mean, someone keeps accusing you of having a crush on someone else, it’s going to get a little uncomfortable even if no one’s talking about it anymore.

I’m going to blame all of this on the HBO special (which I’m so excited for, and so is everyone else around here).  I hope that after this show is over and we leave New York, things can go back to whatever level or normal they were at before.

Rolling over on the bed I stare at the clock next to me.  I should be sleeping right now but my thoughts are keeping me awake.  That, and my strange schedule has made it hard to keep a regular sleeping pattern.  The bright red lights of the clock mock me, so I roll over and try to ignore them.  It doesn’t work.

Grabbing my cell phone off of the night stand, I check to see that Justin has sent me a text message.

I just bought a SHAM WOW! I think I have a problem

I laugh.  Justin is addicted to late night infomercials, and I often hear about his purchases.  Apparently he can’t sleep either.

I grab the remote and flip to QVC, and the advertisement for the Sham Wow! is still running, so I grab my phone and dial up Justin.

“I got a free mini Sham Wow!”  Is his greeting, “You can have it, if you want.  This shit looks cool.”

“Thanks, but I think I’m all set.”  I laugh lightly into the phone, somehow thinking that our friendship has been reduced to midnight conversations about the Home Shopping Network and it bothers me.

“Why are you still up, Jude?  It’s late.”  I groan a little, turning down the volume to the TV.  This announcer guy has the most grating voice.

“I can’t sleep.  I think it’s the crazy schedule.  I have to be up in two hours to finish the video, and then I have a show tonight.  I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again.”

Justin’s masculine chuckle comes down the line and I sink a little bit deeper into the sheets.  I would never admit this to anyone, but I’ve really missed him.

“You’ll figure it out.  Once the video is finished you should be able to find some sort of schedule again.”  I hear the soft click of changing channels in the background.

“Are you looking for something else to buy, Boss Man?”

“Nah, now I’m just looking for some crappy reality show to put me to sleep.”  He yawns a little and I’m reminded of how not tired I am.

“What do you do with all the shit you buy, anyway?”  I pull the blanket up to my chin.  I like to burrow. It makes me feel safe and cozy.

“Usually give ‘em to my grandma.  She loves shit like that.”  I laugh a little.  I wonder why this conversation isn’t strained and awkward like every other time we’ve talked.  I think it’s my lack of sleep that actually allows me to go one step further and pose the question.

“Boss man,”I take a deep breath and question my sanity, “Why can’t we talk anymore?”

“We are talking, Jude, right now, over the phone.”

“Smart ass.  I mean at normal times of the day, not at 3am.  I just…you’ve been avoiding me.”  I sound like a clingy girlfriend or something.  I should slap myself, really.

“I don’t know.  I’ve pretty much been focused on the HBO gig.  I’m sorry if you think I’ve been avoiding you, I haven’t.”  I want to call him out on his lie, but I don’t want this conversation to head much farther into ‘it-sounds-like-we’re-in-a-relationship’ territory. 

“Are you excited?”  I think this is probably safe ground, even thought I’m tempted to push the other issue.

“I can’t fucking wait.  I’m so stoked about this concert.  I mean…millions of people can watch this show and…and I’m just excited about the idea of getting to people that might not normally make it out to see me.  It’s a kick ass thing to think about.”

“I’m excited, too.  You’re different on stage, Boss Man, and I can’t wait to see what you do with cameras on, too.”  That sounds very close to a compliment.  I really need to get some sleep.

“It’s stressing me out a little bit, to be honest.”  Well, at least I know he can still be honest about some things, even if it’s not about our friendship. 

God, I’m such a girl it’s not even funny.

“You’ll be fine.  Once it’s all said and done you’ll look back knowing you kicked ass and so did the rest of the crew.  You’re Justin Fucking Timberlake!”  Wow, I didn’t realize I had such a pep talk in me.

“Thanks, Jude.”  There’s a slightly awkward pause and I sink even farther into the bed sheets.  I don’t know why this is bugging me so much.  I should be concerned with my show and the video and…well…Channing.  I guess I’ve just grown to enjoy the friendship I’ve made with Justin and I don’t like thinking that we’ve grown apart.  He’s a tough guy to get in with, especially being female, and I would hate to think that I’d done something to change his mind about our friendship.

“Are you upset about my video?”  Yeah, it’s the non-sleep talking still.  If I were smart I’d hang up and try to doze off before I said something really stupid.

“No, why would I be upset about it?”

“You haven’t come out to see it at all, and I haven’t gotten any feedback from you on the clips I’ve given you.  I just don’t want this video to suck.”  His opinion means a lot to me, especially concerning my music.

“Jude, the concept is tight.  I trust Dave and I trust you, and the song is an awesome song.  I’m sorry I’ve been distant, but I swear it’s not you or anything you’ve done.  I’ve just been too caught up in my own shit lately.  I promise we can have a little party when the final video is ready and I’ll be there with bells on.”

“Now that I would like to see.”  I laugh a little, somewhat assuaged by his little speech.  Maybe I’m looking too much into all of this.  Maybe it really is just HBO that’s got him stressing and he hasn’t been avoiding me.  Maybe things will go back to normal Abbey and Justin banter when we’ve left New York and HBO far behind.

“OK, I won’t actually be wearing bells, but I’ll be there to celebrate with you.”  He yawns again and I almost feel bad for keeping him up.  But then I remember my insomnia and you know what they say, misery loves company.

“I’m really excited about this video, Boss Man.  The song has been getting some great reception, and I’m looking forward to getting this video out there and allowing people to see a different side of me.”  I’m busy thinking about how dreamy Channing is and I miss Justin’s comment, but I detect a slight bit of grumpiness in it.  “What?”

“Nothing.  I’m looking forward to seeing the finished product.  I didn’t think you’d ever go for the dancing concept, but I think you’ve done a great job with the things I’ve seen so far.  Dave is impressed too; I talked to him the other day.”

“Really?”  I’m curious.  “What did he say?”

“That you’ve got two left feet.”  Apparently he gets the reaction he was looking for, because he laughs at me when I gasp into the phone. “Just kidding.  He said that you’ve been a lot of fun to work with and he’s excited about the video, too.”

“You’re an ass, Justin Timberlake.”

“Ouch.  You need to make up your mind, Jude.  One minute you’re giving me compliments and the next you’re calling me a donkey.  I’m going to get a complex here.”

“Oh please, like my opinion really matters enough to damage your ego at all.”  I say it in jest, but the silence that comes over the line in the following moments is extremely tense and uncomfortable.

“You’re opinion means a hell of a lot to me, Abbey.”  I’m not sure what to say, and now I’m really wishing I’d gotten off the phone a long time ago.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s OK,” He tells me and I know he’s lying again.  “I’m going to let you go, though, you need to get some sleep and I should try for some myself.”

I manage to slip in a quick goodbye before he’s hung up the phone and I’m left wondering what just happened.  This is what I hate about what our friendship has turned into.  I feel like there are suddenly more lines that can’t be crossed and more boundaries that have to be avoided.  I feel like I can’t joke around with my friend anymore and it’s pissing me off.

I’m really hoping that this ends when we leave New York.  And now I’m going to have this crap running through my head so I really won’t be able to get any sleep tonight.

Ugh.

~*~

I hear Dave yell ‘Cut!’ and I about collapse to the floor.  I’m so fucking exhausted it’s not even funny.  Really, it’s not.

Channing’s hand appears in my line of vision and it takes all of my energy to grab a hold of it and let him pull me up.  I about fall into his chest (which I really don’t mind, actually, it’s a very nice chest) and he gently leads me over to the chairs on the side of the set.

“No offense, but you look like shit, Abbey.”  I turn my head and he’s smiling at me in a very sympathetic and caring way.  Yeah, I’m totally crushing on this man.

“I didn’t sleep at all last night and now it’s catching up with me.”  I take advantage of his pity and lean my head on his shoulder, snuggling closer to his body heat when his arm goes around my shoulders.

“We’re almost done.  A couple more takes, I should think, and then we can call it a wrap.”  I’m excited by the sounds of that, but also a little disappointed because it might mean the end of hanging out with this handsome hunk of man.

“What are you up to after this video?”  It’s a start.  I think.

“Oh, taking a break.  I was actually on a break when I got the call for the video.”

“Really?”  I didn’t know this.

“Yeah, my manager passed it by just in case, but when I heard it was a shoot for you I had to take it.  I love your music.”  I blush from ear to ear and I can’t wipe the stupid smile off my face.

“Thanks.”

“So listen…”  My heart starts to thump loudly in my chest and I pray that he can’t hear it as he dips his head a little closer to mine.  If I tilted up just a smidge, I could kiss those beautiful pink lips.  Ooo, the possibilities.  “I was wondering if you’d like to go out for dinner or coffee sometime?  If you’re in New York for a little while longer, that it.”

I have to stop myself from jumping out of the chair and doing my happy dance around the room.  In fact, I make myself count to five so I can calm down a little bit before I answer.

“I would love to.”  I grin as he whips out his cell phone and programs the number I give him into the device.  I make sure he calls my phone so I can have his number too.  I’m so happy I could dance.

“Great.  I look forward to seeing you without so many other people around.”  He smiles at me and I about melt into the chair.  “When’s a good time?”

“Tonight I have a show,” a thought pops into my head, “You’re more than welcome to come and watch if you want.  We can go out afterward, if you’re up for it.”

“Awesome, I was hoping I’d get a chance to check you out.”  I blush again and stop myself from telling him that he can check me out any old time he wants to. 

Nothing else can really be said because Dave calls us back to finish up the shoot, but I know that I suddenly have a new found energy that wasn’t there before.

Oh yeah, I have a really, really big crush.

How’s that saying go? Desperate times call for desperate measures?

Yeah, well, you might say I’m feeling a little desperate.  In fact, I’m so desperate that I’ve booked more shows and I’m keeping myself away from home even longer just because I need to get away from Abbey.

I’m an ass, I know.

I just arranged it with Johnny, and after this tour I’m heading to Europe for some shows there.  It’s crazy, I know, to travel across the Atlantic so I don’t have to be around Abbey, but I really don’t know what else to do.  I know that if I get some time away from her I’ll be able to put her out of my mind and forget this…crush…and move on.  And hey, maybe I’ll find some nice British girl to keep me company.  I’d even settle for Irish.  Or Scottish.  Or Welsh.  Or anything that isn’t my good friend/artist.

The sigh that escapes my mouth is deep and long.  I don’t know what I’ve turned into, but I know that I feel so claustrophobic and crazed lately it’s starting to raise some eyebrows. 

I can’t seem to escape her, though.  Everywhere I go, there she is, laughing at someone’s joke or singing along to her iPod or practicing on the piano.  Not that I hate running to Abbey, but really, I feel like every time I see her I find some new reason to be infatuated with the girl.  It’s getting harder to hide it, too.  A couple of my dancers have mentioned how attractive she is (I’m putting that in nice terms, for your delicate eyes) and I guess I set off some red flags when I growled at them to not talk about her that way.

Luckily, Rachel wasn’t around.  I know she still thinks something’s up, but she’s been true to her word and not said anything else.  I think that more for Abbey’s sake, but I’ll take what I can get.

I’ve tried to talk to my mom about it.  I mean, I tell my mom a lot, but lately I don’t bring up the topic of girls unless I think I want her to meet them.  It just saves the earful I know I’ll get.  But I’ve been so consumed with this Abbey thing that she’s even noticed.  She said something to me on the phone the other day, so I had to half-explain.  I told her the scenario; I just didn’t mention it was Abbey.  I think she has some idea, though, because now when I talk to her she always asks how Abbey’s doing.  

Gah!

What makes my whole dilemma worse is that Abbey and Channing have started up this…thing.  I’m not sure I want to put a name to it.  It’s nothing disgusting or anything, I mean, I can’t even get mad at her for being mushy because she’s not.

But they’re together a lot, and she’s just…glowing.  Jealousy is a bitch, my friends.

Hence the reason why I’ve been avoiding her.  We’ve had some awesome phone conversations lately, because that’s the only way I trust myself to talk to her.  That’s pretty pathetic, though, and I don’t think she’ll take my “I’m busy” excuse much longer.

Today happens to be her birthday, so I’ve decided that I’ll make up for my absence lately by getting her a little gift and taking her to dinner or something like that.  I know she loves Gerber Daisies, so I’ve gotten her a potted one so she can keep it on the bus.  She’s always complaining about how dull the busses can be.  Maybe this’ll shut her up.  (Just kidding).

I’ve made plans with room service too, and they’re going to bring over some food from my restaurant, Southern Hospitality.  Since we’re in New York, I figured I’d show her my place, but I really don’t feel up for crowds or fans while we’re trying to eat.  Now we can just enjoy our food in the quiet of her hotel room.  By ‘we’ I mean the dancers and the band and whoever else.  I didn’t want to make it feel really intimate or anything equally cheesy, so I made sure that everyone else was quasi-involved too.

The elevator dings as it stops on my floor.  I just spent the morning arranging everything for tonight and now I have to get back to my room so I can really prepare for the HBO show tonight.  I spent all day yesterday tapping the interviews and shorts for the show, and now I just need to focus on making it a kick ass performance.  I’m surprised I even allowed myself to think about Abbey’s birthday…but then again, I’m not really surprised either since I can’t get the girl off of my brain.

The hallway is almost deserted except for this large, gaudy bouquet of flowers that’s hiding a body.  I near the person and want to laugh when I notice it’s Channing and he’s got a scared look on his face.

“Hey man,”  He says as I pass him to get to my door.  I stop for a second and start to feel bad for the guy.  He probably has no idea that Abbey really hates roses and those exotic flower arranges.  She told me once that the only flowers she really likes are Gerber Daisies and sun-flowers. 

I glance from the gift in my hands to the ones in Channing’s and do something I never imagined I’d be doing.

“Here.”  I grab the massive mess from the other man and hand him my small potted plant.  “She hates these things, dude, and those are her favorite flowers.”

He looks perplexed but thankful, “Thanks, man, you didn’t have to do that.”

“I know.”

Just then, the elevator dings again and the girl of the hour comes strutting out onto the floor.  It looks as though she’s been out shopping with some of the dancers, and her hair has been shortened and layered slightly.  She looks beautiful.

“Hey boys.”  She calls.  “Ooh, Boss man, who sent the unfortunate and disgusting display of gratitude?”  She gives a lengthy, repulsed stare at the flowers in my hand and I laugh a little.

“HBO sent them as a thanks.”  I easily lie and avoid watching as Abbey notices Channing and my gift in his hands.

“Oh! My favorite flowers!  How did you know?”  She gushes at him, wrapping her arms around his waste and kissing his cheek.  Channing gives me a sheepish look before shrugging and grinning in her direction.

“Dunno, just lucky, I guess.”

I ignore the knot that starts to twist my insides.  That was my present and my idea.  I really have no clue why I helped the dude out.  I mean, I hate watching them together and I hate even knowing that she gives him the attention I so desperately want.

I just sounded like a bad romance novel.

With a roll of my eyes I turn my back on the loving couple and head into my room, shutting out their whispered, giddy exchange.

“That was nice of you,” comes a voice to my left and I jump a little.  Mickey is sitting on my couch, giving me a knowing look.  I ignore him and walk the rest of the way into the room, setting my bag down on the couch and getting rid of the terrible arrangement of flowers.

“Yeah, well…” I really don’t know what to say.

“I’m surprised at you, Justin. I really didn’t think you liked the guy, especially because he’s banging your little Jude.”

I hope the look I give him is as scathing as I want it to be. “Did you have to say ‘banging?’” I whine.  Plopping myself down on the couch next to him I wait for whatever he’s going to say next.

“I think it was really big of you to do that.  Channing was about to strike out with her and you saved his ass.  Not something you would do if you wanted to win Abbey over.”

“I know.  I guess I just knew how much she was going to hate those flowers and I didn’t want anything to ruin her day.”

“Ahh, so you weren’t really looking out for the guy, just Abbey.”

“Duh.”  I pause for a second, thinking, “How the hell did you know what went on anyway?  I didn’t see you in the hallway.”

“I was behind you.  I slipped into the room when Abbey showed up, but I saw the whole thing.”

“Damn, you’re stealthy for such a huge as man.”  I laugh at the dirty look he throws me.

“I prefer ‘big boned.’”

“Yeah, whatever man, I’m going to go get ready for the show. I would like to be left alone until I head to the arena.”  I leave Mickey nodding at me in the living room and head to my bedroom. 

A lot of my preparation for shows is just being by myself and getting centered.  For something huge like this I need a lot of space and quite so I can think and relax.  I always make sure that I have a clear schedule before shows, and for today I even moved the meet and greets to the day before.  I don’t want distractions or stresses tonight.  I’ve had a run through with the dancers and crew and told them how important it is for them to be relaxed, so I gave them the day off too.  The only think I want my crew to have to worry about today is tonight’s show.

I look at the clock and see that I have about three hours before I need to be at the Garden, so I set my alarm clock and settle down to take a little nap.  I want to be rested and calm.  Funnily enough, though, all I can really seem to do is think about how happy Abbey looked when she saw those daisies.

~*~

The roar of the crowd is still ringing in my ears, even these hours later.  I’m on such a natural high that I feel like I’m floating. 

That was fucking amazing.

There was an energy and I vibe that just made the show so much more than it has been.  Knowing that the cameras were there hyped up the crowd even more, and the show was one of the best we’ve put on.  I’m so proud of my crew and my dancers and everyone else that I just want to hug them all.  Which, I’ve kinda done.

The booze is flowing and the food is going fast.  I opened up one of the larger ball rooms in the hotel for this post-concert bash, and moved Abbey’s party down here too.  There’s no way it would’ve fit into the hotel rooms.

“Boss Man!”  I catch a streak of strawberry blond hair before I’m being tackled/hugged by the object of my thoughts.

“Hey Jude, Happy Birthday.”  I allow myself to kiss her on the forehead before putting a little bit of distance between us.  Her scent is intoxicating, and with the adrenaline high I’m already on, I don’t want to do or say anything stupid.

“The food is wonderful, thank you so much.”  She beams at me, giving me another tight hug that seems to electrify all of my body parts.  “Oh, and not too shabby on the performance tonight, either.”

I laugh a little, happy to see her so excited and content.  “You either.  I know that your section of the show wasn’t aired on HBO, but I still had the guys tape it so you could have a copy for your collection.”  If possible, her expression brightens even more and I wish I could keep this moment forever.

“No way!  Thanks so much, Justin, really.”  She hugs me again, longer this time, and I find myself closing my eyes against the feelings that are rushing through me.  This is very, very dangerous.

“Go on, go find some booze and properly enjoy this birthday.  I’ll catch up with you later.”  The kiss she places on my cheek lingers long after she’s scurried off to join the rest of the party goers.

I quickly find myself a drink and settle down at a table with Marty and a couple of the other male dancers.  I get lost in their banter about which girl in the room looks the easiest to score and let my mind wander around with Abbey.  This crush I have is getting really out of control now, and I feel almost desperate.  I mean, really, I have a huge population of women ready to throw themselves at my feet and I can’t seem to get my mind off of the one that doesn’t seem to think of me as anything but “Boss man.” 

I am really pathetic.

I know I’m pathetic because I can’t seem to watch anyone but her, and I don’t even know what the guys are talking about.  I just make a few odd grunts here and there to sound like I’m participating in this conversation.  I see quite a few glasses in front of me and realize that I’m sufficiently buzzed.  I see Abbey standing on the outskirts of the dancing mass in the middle, and before I can properly think or stop myself I’m at her side asking her to dance.

“Hey birthday girl, care to dance?”  She readily accepts my hand and I almost drag her onto the dance floor.  The song slows down considerably and I bring Abbey in close.  I know this is dangerous, and I know that I’m probably making a HUGE mistake, but I can’t help but hold her tightly as we sway around the room.  I just needed to have a little contact.  Hopefully it’ll tide me over for a while so I can stop obsessing and move on.

“Are you having a good time?”  She asks me, oblivious to the fact that I was just smelling her hair.  I am so creepy.

“Yes, I am.  Are you?”

“Best birthday ever, Boss man.  Thanks.”  We sway for a little while longer before I feel a tap on my shoulder and look up to see Channing.  He’s politely asked to cut in and I really can’t be an ass to the guy, so I grudgingly let Abbey go and let him take over.  I force my eyes away and gladly accept the hand of one of my dancers as she pulls me into a dance of our own.

I am so fucking pathetic.

The ivory keys move underneath my fingertips as my hands dance across the piano.  I hum softly, making up much of the melody as I go.  The words are in my head already, it’s just a matter of putting them to music.  I wasn’t sure if this should be a guitar piece or a piano piece, but something just told me that the guitar wouldn’t quite cut it on this one.

I’ve been so inspired and so filled with ideas lately it’s been difficult keeping up.  For a while I could only focus on angry, hurt poetry and lyrics because of John and all the crap he put me through.  Now though, now I’m walking on clouds, or sunshine, or whatever other cliché you want to think of.

Being around Channing and just enjoying myself so much has made me extremely happy.  Not to mention the kick ass birthday shindig that went down the other night.  I know that a lot of the excitement came from the HBO performance that everyone had just put on, but there was a huge birthday cake and I got a lot of well wishes from the people I’m closest with.

Justin had also catered the event with food from his restaurant and it was delicious.  If I lived in New York I would probably gain a ton of weight because I wouldn’t want to eat any where else.  That food was the shit.

The door to the room clicks behind me and I spot Channing coming in.  I can’t help the grin that spreads across my face as he takes a seat on the bench next to me.

“Hey you,”  I melt a little at the kiss he gives me.

“Hey.”  He sits back, giving me a long stare.  This moment is a little bitter sweet because the tour is leaving New York tonight and Channing is staying behind.  I’m not really sure what that means for us, but I know my track record with long distance relationships is against me.

“So…”  I know what that ‘so’ means.  The silence after says a lot, and I’m not sure this is going to be a moment I like.

“I know.”  I take his hand, trying to give him an encouraging smile.  “There are only a few weeks of the tour left.”  It’s hopeful and I’m grasping at straws.

“Yeah, I know.”  He fingers the charm bracelet that’s sitting on my wrist.  “But I’m leaving in a month for Australia to shoot a movie.” 

Well.  The air in the room seems heavier with that little declaration.  “How long have you known?”  I’m wondering if this was just a fling in the first place.

“I just signed the papers today.  I had the script for a while but I wasn’t sure if I was going to do it.  The production company just upped their offer and I knew it was too good to pass up.  I’m sorry, Abbey.”

I nod my head, unsure of what to say.  I know that there’s really nothing that can be done about this, and I know that it’s no one’s fault.  It’s not like he’s ditching me for another girl or anything.  It’s work.

Work sucks.

“But hey,” He gently grabs my chin with his fingers and turns my face toward his, “No need for the sad face.”  He smiles softly at me.  “I got you something.”

Channing pulls out the tell-tale bluish green box and I instantly squeal like a little girl.  I’m not sure there’s any female that can resist excitement when she sees a Tiffany’s box.  I’m not sure what prompted Channing to get me something, but I’m certainly not going to turn him down.

“What did you do?”  I ask, half filled with excitement and half worried that I should’ve got him something, too.

“Don’t worry, it’s nothing huge.”  He hands me the box and encourages me to open it, so I only hesitate a second before removing the cover and opening the pouch inside.  A small charm falls into my hand and I let out a small breath as I see the shining Treble Clef.

“Oh,” Is all I can say as my hand goes to my mouth.  I’ve never been a really mushy girl, but when someone does something this sweet I can’t help but get emotional.  “Channing…it’s beautiful.  How did you know?”

I hold up my wrist, the other charms dangling from the bracelet.  It was a gift from my father.  I have a piano, guitar, and some music notes that I’ve added over the years.  Channing’s charm is perfect and I really can’t believe he could do something so thoughtful.

“Oh…some little birdie gave me a hint.”  He looks a little uncomfortable discussing it, so I don’t push the issue.  Instead, I lean over and wrap my arms around his torso.  Leaning into his chest I let out a sigh and thank him again.

“It’s perfect.  Thank you so much.”  He places a soft kiss on my lips and holds me for a little while longer.

“When do you leave?”  He asks, sounding like he’s not sure he wants to hear the answer.

“In a couple of hours.  I have to make sure I have everything packed and then grab some dinner before we go.  Do you want to come with me?”  I really want him to say yes.  I’m not ready for this to be our goodbye.

“I can’t.  I have a meeting with the production company in a half hour to finalize everything and get my schedule.  I don’t think I’ll be done in time to see you off.”

“Oh.”  I turn and stare at the piano keys, sitting idly in front of my.  I’m not sure what I should say and I’m not sure how I feel.  I’ll be busy for the next few weeks and by the time I’m done he’ll be heading off to Australia for Lord knows how long.

“Hey, don’t be sad.”  He leans into me, bumping his shoulder into mine.  “This has been an awesome couple of weeks, Abbey.  I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you and spend time with you.  You’re such a beautiful, incredible person.”  He kisses my cheek softly.

“Not that I want to be clingy or anything…”  I know that I probably shouldn’t ask this next question because I’m afraid to hear the answer.  “But what does this mean for us?”

Channing looks down at his hands, twisting his fingers tightly together.

“I don’t know,” is his answer.  I guess that it’s going to have to be good enough for now.  I can’t say that I have any better ideas myself.  I hate to leave and have this be the end, but I also hate thinking that I have to handle another long distance relationship.

“Ok.”  We seem to be short of words at the moment.

Silence falls over us for a while, and I start to squirm with the awkwardness of the situation.  To break the moment, I start to play the piano again, moving back to the song I was working on when Channing came in.  It seems to break his spell because he gently places his hands over mine to stop the music.

“I know that I plan to call you a lot and talk to you as much as I can.”  I smile, knowing that he’s trying and it’s all I can ask for.  “And I would hope that you might come to Australia to visit when ever you get some time off.”

“That sounds like a good plan to me.”  I grin again, happy that it’s not really over but there’s no definition, either.  I think I can handle that.

~*~

The grunt that escapes my lips is both loud and slightly barbaric.  I sit heavily on my suitcase and attempt to zip it for the hundredth time, but it just won’t close.

“Stupid piece of shit, sonuva bitch…”  I grumble angrily at the item, thinking bad thoughts.  The only thing that keeps me from continuing my string of verbal abuse is the knock at the door.

“Hey Todd,” I open the door to let my body guard in, glad that he’s there.

“Hey Abs.  I need to grab your bags so I can put them on the bus.”  He points at the few bags sitting on the floor and I nod.

“Yeah, but I need help zipping that one closed.  It’s being a bitch.”  He chuckles at me and I send him a glare when he easily zips the bag closed without much effort at all.  “Yeah, well, if I were a big brute of a man I could intimidate suitcases into closing too!”

“Abbey…it’s a suitcase, it can’t be intimidated.”  He gives me a once over, noting my disheveled look.  “Have you been drinking?”

“Oh shut up.”  I laugh.  “I have not been drinking.  I’ve just been trying to get all the crap packed in a very short amount of time.  Channing and I were…ah…”

“Saying goodbye??”  He supplements and I nod thankfully.

“Yes, saying goodbye, and I lost track of time.”  I watch as Todd hoists the bags onto his shoulders with ease, bringing them all out into the hallway to the cart.  I notice Justin’s bags on there too.

“Is Justin in his room or on his bus?”  I ask, suddenly in need of some company.

“He’s on his bus.”

“OK, I’m going to ride with him for a while, probably until the first rest stop.  I’ll let you know when I switch, though.”  Todd waves me off as I grab my backpack and head toward the elevators.

Things between Justin and I have been pretty good lately.  I haven’t seen a lot of him since my birthday, but we’ve both been really busy with things.  I just know that he doesn’t look like he wants to run and hide when I see him, and that makes me happy.  I’m not sure what was going on with him before.  Maybe he was just really stressed and seeing me made him think about everything else he had to take care of.  I’m sure it’s not an easy job running my career while he’s trying to run his as well.

We did get to talk the other day, and he told me that he has a few candidates for my new personal assistant.  I’m excited because I think it’ll give Justin a break and get him to lighten up, and it’ll make my life a little easier to have someone with me almost 24/7. 

The elevator dings as I read the lobby and I make my way out toward the back where the busses are parked.  It’s a quiet, rainy night which means there aren’t a lot of fans waiting outside.  Most of them probably think we’re in Boston because that’s where our next show is. 

Justin’s bus is the first in the row, and I knock loudly before getting on.  “Boss man!”

“Hey Jude.”  He calls from the couch.  He got his laptop out and his glasses on.  I’ve told him a bunch of times that the Buddy Holly look doesn’t really work for him and he should get some wire framed glasses, but he refuses to listen.  Oh well.

“Uh oh, that’s a pretty serious look you’ve got.”  I sit myself next to him, careful not to disturb any of the papers or files he’s got out.

“Yeah, I’m trying to narrow down my choices for PA for you, so we can set up meetings and you can pick who you like best.”

“I get a say?”  That came out bitchy, but I’m really surprised that I’m not just placed with someone.  I thought that was how this worked.

“Yeah.  I figured that things with Trish were so terrible I should at least give you a chance to see a couple of people and let you make a choice.  I just want to make sure I’m picking good people so I can be happy with whoever you chose.”

“Sounds good to me, Boss man.  Just let me know when and where and I’ll be happy to pick.”  I settle back into the couch, content to listen to the clicking of keys as Justin types.  I glance around the bus about to grab the magazine that’s on the table next to me when I spot some familiar looking bags.

“You went to Tiffany’s too?”  I reach out to finger the bluish green paper and look over at Justin whose stopped typing to glance up at me.

“Huh?”

“Tiffany’s, you went there today?”

“Uhm…yes, I did.  I grabbed a couple of things for my Mom.  Why?”  He looks confused when I hold up my arm, pointing to my charm bracelet.

“I just think it’s funny because Channing went there too.”  I lean forward to show him the new charm and he sits back a little, looking uncomfortable.

“Cool, that was nice of him.”  He hastily goes back to typing and I shrug it off, happy to stare at my new jewelry.

“I know.  He’s really insightful when it comes to gifts.  I mean, he manages to pick my favorite flowers and then he gets me a charm that fits perfectly on my bracelet.  I think I’ve really lucked out this time, Boss man.”

I sigh contentedly and close my eyes, remembering my afternoon with Channing.  I’m so happy that things are finally starting to come back together.  I’ve met a really nice guy that treats me well and seems to actually understand me.  I’m really floored by the fact that he’s pegged me so well, but I figure he just pays a lot more attention to me that John did.  Hell, than any other guy ever has.

Add that to the fact that I’m on the world’s biggest tour with some of my best friends.  I’m having the time of my life and I’m finally starting to enjoy it.

Justin moves next to me, closing his lap top and letting out a long sigh.

“Everything OK?”  I ask, suddenly aware that he doesn’t look well.

“Yeah, just really tired.”  He doesn’t look at me as he packs up his stuff, putting it all away for the night.  I’m about ready to ask him if I’ve done something wrong when he turns in my direction.  “You up for a movie or something?  I need to lie down.”

I nod, figuring his strange mood is probably because he’s just exhausted.  I follow him back to his room, jumping on the bed and snuggling into the soft comforter.

“Let’s watch something funny, Boss man.  You look like you need to be cheered up.”

He gives me a wry smile before popping in ‘Dumb and Dumber’ and climbing up onto the bed next to me.  The busses started rolling a while ago and the lull of the road is starting to get to me.  I sneak a glance at Justin whose eyes almost instantly closed, and I sit up to take off his glasses and set them on the bedside table. 

With a contented sigh, I curl up under the blankets and drift off.

Abbey moves across the bed, running her fingers through the silk sheets, rolling through them and wrapping herself in the fabric.  I can’t make my eyes move as I catch glimpses of skin and lace.  I have to consciously think about keeping my mouth shut so I don’t drool as I watch her writhe across the bed and gaze sultrily into the distance.

I shift in my seat, hoping that no one notices my arousal as I hear Abbey’s musical laugh ring throughout the room.

After waking up with Abbey in my arms I realized that I’m much worse off than I originally thought.  Now, instead of getting as far away from her as I can, I’m sitting in a room watching her half naked body slide and move over a bed as a photographer snaps pictures and encourages her to get sexier.  I don’t think she could get any sexier.

There was a moment when I caught myself wondering why the hell Abbey was even considering this photo shoot…but then I remember that Rachel (God bless her) convinced my little Jude that some sex appeal wasn’t a bad thing and having Herb Ritz snap your photos was a once in a lifetime chance.  Surprisingly, Abbey thought that this treatment was awesome and she readily slipped into some barely there peach panties and a bra and I almost feel like I’m at a Victoria’s Secret shoot.  Almost.  The only difference here is that I can oogle VS models without getting a complete hard on and wishing I could be those sheets.  Hell, fuck sheets…I want to be those panties.

I’m fucking head over heels for Abbey Rhodes and now that I’ve seen her in her skivvies I can use my imagination to ponder what it would be like if I grew some balls and made a move.  Rachel would be proud if she heard that little idea.  In fact, she’s been watching me watch Abbey and it’s getting a little unnerving.  I have to keep texting Trace so I can occupy my hands and eyes with something else.

“Great, Abbey, wonderful!  You look beautiful.  Why don’t we try the other outfit now?  And move to the couch?”  Herb calls out and I glance up to see someone handing Abbey a robe.  She looks a little flush, but she’s still glowing.

“Hey Boss Man,” I follow her with my eyes as she approaches my seat.  I see a long expanse of skin as she sits next to me, her bathrobe opening enough so my mind wanders up the inside of her thigh and ponders on the place where that thigh ends.

Oh shit…think cold shower. Think Trace naked...ew.

“Hey Jude.”  I hope that doesn’t come out as strangled as I think it did.  Fuck, it’s hot in here.

“What do you think of the shoot so far?”  I agreed to come to this photo session because Abbey begged me, but I had no idea it was going to be like this.

“I think I never imagined that you would ever do a shoot like this.”  It’s honest and it’s better than the other thoughts I have rolling around in my mind.

“Yeah…”  She picks at her nails, a nervous habit.  “Are you…are you upset with me?”  Her big blue eyes catch mine in a hold and I’m stuck in my seat.  Not that I would’ve gotten up and left her half naked body.

“Upset?”  I know I look confused and all I can think is that I’m far from upset, I’m horny!

“Yeah…you…you just seem really tense and you keep avoiding looking at me and…and I was just worried that you were disappointed that I decided to do this shoot.”  Her eyes are pleading with me and I wish I could hug her.  I just know that touching her would be bad…very, very bad.

“Jude…I am not disappointed.  I’m surprised, but by no means am I disappointed in you.  I can understand that this shoot was a huge opportunity for you and I trust Herb to make this classy.” There, that was a good answer.  Perhaps a bit of honesty, too, “and I guess I’m a little uncomfortable seeing you in your underwear.”

She laughs a little, enjoying my discomfort.  “Who told you they were mine?  I didn’t think anyone knew.”

I swallow extremely hard and try not to bite my tongue.  They’re her panties.

I glance over to see the sparkle in her eyes and I groan, flipping her off as she busts out laughing at me.  “I didn’t think it was possible to get you this riled up, Boss man.  I’ll have to walk around in my unmentionables more often.”

Yes, please.  “No, that’s all right.”  I can’t help but watch as she saunters off to the dressing room when the wardrobe lady calls her name.  I’m not sure what the next set up is, but I’m praying for more clothing because my body can’t take this torture.  I don’t really have an outlet right now and I’m not sure just any old outlet would do.  I’m afraid I might attack Abbey Rhodes.

A moment later she’s back out in a pair of distressed jeans and a black tank top.  This is much better for my hormones.  If fact, she looks really good and she looks much more comfortable this time.  I guess the story line of this photo shoot is “Abbey Raw,” or something equally as strange.  But now Herb’s got her sitting on a couch with her guitar and I know that she’s more at home in this setting than any other.

I can’t help but admire her smile and the way her hair falls into her face as she strums the guitar.  Herb tells her just to be natural as he clicks the camera in his hand.  Abbey looks over at me, and with a large grin she starts to play one of my songs, singing slightly off key just to piss me off.  I laugh, and suddenly the attention of most everyone in the room is on me.

“Justin!”  Herb calls me over. Apparently he’d forgotten I was there.  “Grab a guitar, go sit with Abbey.”

I hesitate.  “No, I don’t think so.  This is her shoot and she doesn’t need my ugly mug messing it up.”

“Nonsense,” the older man throws off my comment with a wave of the hand.  Before I can really think a guitar is being thrust into my hands and someone from make-up has started to powder my face.  Abbey grins as I grab a spot on the couch.

“Hey Boss man.”  I roll my eyes, not sure what to say.

I really don’t like the fact that I lose all my cool when I’m around Abbey.  I’ve become a bumbling idiot and I hate that there’s not much I can do about it.  I’ve tried everything and I can’t seem to get past the fact that Abbey Rhodes has me star struck.  I should know what to say here, and I should know what to do, and I shouldn’t have sweaty palms.

I’m a fucking mess.

Abbey starts to play again, this time it’s an old Eagles song.  This I can play.  Herb is snapping pictures as I tune a couple strings on the guitar, catching up with Abbey as she plays.  Her melodic voice floats through the room and I harmonize along, happy to be doing something that comes as second nature to me so my anxiousness is a little less apparent.

“Not bad, Boss man,” She grins, “You should stick with this music thing.”  I laugh, a genuine sound this time.  It’s almost possible to forget that there are dozens of people milling about watching us and there’s man with a camera snapping our picture every few moments.  I’m not sure why Herb wanted me in these shots, but I know that they’ll be genuine and Abbey looks beautiful.

After a little more goofing around Herb stops us and they move onto the next set up.  This time, Abbey is sitting at a piano in a beautiful sun dress.  I’m not sure how Abbey in her underwear matches up with Abbey and music, but I’m hoping it’ll make more sense when the photo spread comes out.  This shoot is for ‘Vanity Fair’ and I’m actually looking forward to seeing how it all turns out. 

My phone buzzes in my pocket and I open it to see a new e-mail from Rachel.  She’s sent me the final list of PA’s I’d decided on for Abbey and tells me that we’ll have conference call tonight back at the hotel.  So much for a day off.  We’re currently in Washington D.C. after being in Boston.  The assistants I’ve picked out are all located in L.A. and we don’t want to spend the money to fly them out so we’ll be talking via web cam, but that’s good enough.  I just want Abbey to see them, get a chance to ask some questions, and get a feel for who she might like to work with.  I’m really hoping that she finds someone she’s compatible with because I really can’t keep managing both her stuff and worrying about all my shit too, especially with my European dates coming up.  I’ll be over seas and it’ll be too difficult to keep her schedule together.

Movement across the room catches my attention and I spot Abbey, now dressed in another, more elegant dress, laying across a table.  Herb is above her, leaning over the edge of a lift so he can get a straight down shot.  I can’t see how this really fits with Abbey personally.  I mean, the guitar and piano stuff I understood because that’s who she is.  But this…Abbey wears sun dresses from time to time, but mostly she’s in jeans and shirts.  Her style is casual and she’s really laid back.  I guess her being in her underwear went along with the “raw” aspect of the shoot…I mean, what’s more raw than being naked??

But this dress stuff…that’s not her at all.  If I’d had more say in this, I would’ve kept the guitar and piano stuff, and the panty shots, but that’s just because I’m a guy and I like to see her almost naked.  But then I would’ve moved Abbey outside and given her a book, or her computer to play around with.  She would be dressed in shorts and some top or something and just relaxing.  That’s who Abbey is to me.  That’s what I see when I think about her.  She’s not couture and she’s not high fashion and she’s not frilly.  She’s Abbey…my Hey Jude.

Wow…that was…

I uncomfortably shift in my seat, wondering how I’m going to get myself out of this mess.  I’ve fully admitted to myself that I’m strongly attracted to Abbey and there’s no getting around it.  I just don’t know what there is to do about it, other than spill my guts.  I just know that doing so would create a huge mess and potentially fuck up our friendship.  I really don’t want that to happen.  Plus I have to remember that Abbey’s got this thing with Channing now and I don’t want to step on any toes.

Speaking of the slimy rat bastard (This is my new name for him, just because I want to hate him), I can’t believe I helped him with another gift for Abbey.  I saw him in the hotel gift shop as I was coming back from shopping for my mom and Abbey.  I’d gotten her that charm as a late birthday present because I’d given my other one to Channing.

Anyway, I’d caught him looking at these hideous trinkets.  Like, glass fairies and little stuffed dogs.  Abbey is not that kind of girl.  She has one stuffed animal and it was a gift from her Gramma when she was really little.  She doesn’t keep trinkets because she says they just clutter up her house and they have no practical value to her.

I want to know how someone can spend so much time with a girl like Abbey and not have any clue about who she is as a person.  I mean, c’mon.  I knew a lot of this stuff about her within the first few months of us knowing each other.  Granted, we spend hours on end together in the studio, but still.  I wasn’t romantically interested in her then and I still took the time to really get to know her.  Not just her favorite color or her favorite baseball team (Yellow and the Red Sox, in case you’re curious) but to know what she values in her friends, what she wishes for the future, and what she thinks about the world around her.

I can read her now, most of the time, and I know what makes her tick.  I can’t believe that she’s fallen for someone like Channing when he obviously hasn’t done a good job of getting to know her.

Of course, I have to remember that I’ve given him enough help with gifts that she probably assumes he knows her that well.

Oh fuck me.  This whole situation sucks.  A lot.

The shoot is wrapping up now, and I see Abbey sitting in a chair next to the woman from Vanity Fair that’s doing the interview.  I meander in their direction so I can hear what’s being asked and jump in if Abbey needs saving.

I still get nervous when she’s interviewed, just because she’s so new to the industry and I don’t want some asshole of a reporter to spread lies or rumors and give Abbey a bad name.

This interviewer is tame, though, mostly sticking to questions about Abbey’s life before music and who she is as a person.  I’m happy with the questions and Abbey’s answers and overall I think that today has been a pretty successful day.

I mean, I got to watch her in her underwear, what more could I ask from a day?

Yeah, I know, I’m a pig.

After the interview is over, Abbey and I grab Mick and Todd and head out to the cars to head over to the arena for a sound check.

“What did you think, Boss man?”  She asks.  I hesitate, not missing the quiet chuckle that comes from my bodyguard at the front of the car.

“You were great, Jude.”  That’s all the talking I can risk, at the moment, because she’s sitting close enough so I can smell her perfume and it reminds me of peaches, which reminds me of peach colored panties.

“So, I have your schedule and the things that should be done within the next couple of weeks.  Here’s my number, my phone will always be on should you need me.”  A slip of paper is passed to me over the table and all I can do is sit back with my mouth open in awe.

“Hey Jude, you’re gonna attract some flies.”  Justin’s finger taps my jaw and I close it with a click.

“Is she for real?” I turn to look at the woman across from me, “Are you for real?”

“I sure hope so,” She smiles at me and I can’t help but grin back.

Sadie Hathaway is my new assistant and she’s absolutely perfect.  She seems like a ton of fun, she’s completely organized, and she came highly recommended by Justin’s old pal, P. Diddy.  Yeah, and I also caught the new Beatles reference to Sexy Sadie, although, Justin’s hasn’t actually pulled that one out yet.  I think he’s a little afraid of her. Ha! Makes me like her even more.

“All right, Jude, I need to head off to an interview and photo shoot back at the hotel, but I’m leaving you in the capable hands of Sadie.  Oh, and Mickey’s staying with you, I’ve got a car full today.”  Justin gives me a peck on the cheek and I wave at him as he leaves the conference room.  I have a sound check to do, but there’s a little more pep in my step because I have a kick ass assistant now, and I know that there won’t be any botched interviews or photo shoots anymore.

I’m so happy I could almost dance.  Almost

Justin worked his butt off to find me some great assistants, and after meeting with them all and getting a feel for them, I decided that Sadie was the best pick.  She’s cute and spunky and I think that between her and Rachel, I’ve got my girl time covered.  She also has an apartment in the same complex as I do back in L.A, which is the best coincidence ever.

I can’t believe that this tour is close to being over.  There are only a couple of shows left, and then Justin’s off to Europe and I’m headed back to L.A to meet with some new producers and talk about what I want for the new album.  It’s a little strange to be thinking about my new album without having Justin to hold my hand through the whole thing, but I’m excited too.  He said that he’d come help when he gets back from Europe.  I’ve gotten used to having him around; I think I’m really going to miss him when he’s gone.

“Good work, Abs, you’re all set.”  Bill gives me the thumbs up and I jump off the stage.  It’s taken most of the tour, but I’ve finally gotten the sound check down to a science.

There’s a couple hours until show time, so I decide to head back to my dressing room and catch up with my TiVO.  One Tree Hill is my secret obsession.  OK, it’s not such a secret, but still…Chad Michael Murray….mmmhmmm.

“I’m going to head back to the hotel, unless you need me?”  Sadie falls in step beside me and I think for a second.

“Nah, I think I’m set for now.  I’ll see you later.”  As much as I’d love to spend a lot of time with her, I need to be alone when I get ready for the show.  I like some quiet so I can get my head straight.  Of course, I’ll have quite a few hours of quiet this afternoon.  Oh well.

My stomach grumbles and I decide that I should probably eat now.  I can’t wait much longer or I’ll feel like puking when I’m on stage.  It’s not pretty.

“Hey Mick.”  The big man gives me a head nod as I pass him in the hallway.  “You look bored.”  He chuckles.

“I know I should be grateful for the downtime when Justin’s not around, but sometimes I just feel useless.”

“Well I’m about to head to catering to grab some grub, you’re more than welcome to join me.”  He thinks on it for a second before coming along.  Being on tour I’ve spent a lot of time with the body guards and I’ve come to enjoy their company.  They add a certain flavor that no one else can bring.

My back pocket starts to buzz and I snatch it up.  A smile stretches across my face as I see Channing’s text on my screen.  He had to go to Australia earlier than he thought, so we can’t talk very often because the time difference is so off and he’s been busy with his new film.

“A grin like that means it has to be a guy.”  Mick’s voice breaks through my girly daze and I blush up at him.

“Yeah, it was Channing.  He’s just…really romantic.”  Mick makes some strange noise and I ignore it, thinking that he’s probably just making fun of me.  “I’m serious.  Look.”  I hold up my wrist and show him the charm that Channing gave me before I left New York.

“What?”

“He got me the treble clef.”  I finger the small charm and my smile stretches more.

“Really now?”  I hear that sound again and I start to wonder if he’s got something stuck in his nose.

“What?  Is it such a huge deal that I’ve finally found a guy that gets me?  I mean, I know John was the asshole of the century, but not all guys are that brain dead.”

“Abbey, I hate to be the one to burst you little bubble, but I’m getting pretty tired of watching this whole soap opera.”

I know the look on my face must spell my confusion because I have no idea what he’s talking about.  “Huh?”

“Do you really think that Channing just happened to know your favorite kind of flowers and that you had a charm bracelet in need of a matching charm?”

“Well…yeah.”  I have a feeling that I’m about to feel stupid.  I hate feeling stupid.

“Abbey, Justin was the one that got you the daisies, and Channing had bought you that stupid looking boquet.  He saw Channing was about to have a disaster and he switched so you wouldn’t get stuck with an ugly gift.”

“But…Justin got me the party.”  I’m playing dumb, I know, but I’m not sure I want to hear this.  In fact, I know I don’t want to hear this.

“Yeah, and the daisies.  And I was with him the day he went to Tiffany’s to buy you that charm.  He felt that since he’d given Channing the flowers he needed to get you something else.  He just happened to catch your lover boy in the gift shop trying to decide between a glass fairy and a stuffed bunny.”

My face scrunches up.  In part from the idea that I’d been duped, and the other half is because I hate stuffed animals and trinkets.  Good save, Boss man. 

Oh God.  This is a big deal.

“Why would Justin do something like that?  And why would Channing not tell me the truth?”

“Perhaps it was because Justin wanted you to be happy and he didn’t have the balls to step up and tell you how he really felt about you, and perhaps because Channing wanted you to be happy and he was afraid that telling you the truth would mess things up.”

“You are not supposed to sound so right.”  I pout.  My stomach is churning and I can’t get my head around all of this.  It can’t be true.  And I can’t handle…wait…did he say Justin couldn’t ‘tell me how me really feels??’

“Abbey, I’m just telling you how I see things.  It’s up to you to take it as you will.”  He picks up his step and walks into the dining room.  I’m left standing in the door way with what I’m sure is a stupid look on my face and one hell of a headache.  My phone buzzes again, it’s Channing.  I text him back, asking if he has a chance to talk, and a minute later my phone rings.

I turn on my heels and head back down the hallway, away from Mick’s knowing stare.  My dressing room is a welcome sanctuary and I brace myself for this conversation.

“Hey!”  His cheery voice comes over the line.  I want to smile, but it comes out more as a grimace.

“Hey.  How’s the land down under?”  I’m not sure how to approach this conversation, so I’ll start by pretending that everything is just fine.

“It’s beautiful down here, the weather’s been amazing.  I miss you, though.”  He sounds sincere, and I want to believe him.  I’m just not sure about anything anymore since I know that he hasn’t really been wooing me.  Justin has.  I think.  Ugh.

“Yeah.”  That was lame and I know it.

“Is everything OK?  You sound upset.”  Well, at least I know he can read the tone of my voice, if nothing else.

“Channing, did Justin give you those gifts to give to me?”

There’s a slightly strangled sound at the end of the line and I know it’s true without even being told.  “Abbey…”  He starts, but I’m not sure I can hear excuses at this point.

“Why?  Why did you just tell me the truth?  Why didn’t you just say that you were terrible at picking out gifts, or you didn’t know what to get me?”  I really can’t understand why there had to be lying and deceiving involved in all of this. 

“Because I saw how you and Justin were together and I was afraid that if you knew he’d really picked those gifts out for you that you wouldn’t want to be with me anymore.”  At least it’s honest.  Even though I feel like I’ve been knocked on my ass, at least he’s being honest.

“How Justin and I are together?  Why the hell is everyone always going on about me and Justin?  He’s my boss, I’m his artist.”  I swear I’m only trying to convince Channing.  Really.

“That’s not how it looks to us outsiders.”  He sounds a little scornful and I’m pissed because that’s not his emotion to feel right now, it’s mine.  “Abbey, I really like you and I was afraid of fucking things up.  I know it was a mistake, but he offered to help and I didn’t know how to approach the topic.”

“So you lied.”

“I never told you that I bought those things for you, you just assumed.”  I laugh, but it’s not a pretty sound.

“Oh, so it’s my fault then?  It’s my fault that you kept things from me and didn’t correct my assumptions.  Was this all a ploy to get me into bed or something?”

“No!”  It’s emphatic, but at least I know that he’s not lying about this one.  “No.  I certainly wanted to show you how much I liked you, Justin just pointed out how wrong I was in the gifts I’d bought.  I wasn’t trying to just get you into bed.”

“I just can’t understand why you had to lie.”  He starts to talk again, but I cut him off.  “I know your reasons, Channing, I just can’t accept them.  You had a choice.  You could’ve told me the truth.  You could’ve even given me your own gifts and I would’ve told you what I really like so you wouldn’t make the mistake again.”

I can’t believe I’m getting into a fight with a guy, again.  I can’t believe that this is over Justin, again.  I mean…what is it that everyone else is seeing that I’m not?  I know that we spend huge amounts of time together, but we’re on tour and I’m his artist and we’re good friends.  I know that we know each other like the back of our hands, but again, we’re around each other all the time.  Why does everyone assume that just because we care about each other that there’s this secret longing going on between us.  I mean, if you push me I’ll admit that Justin is very, very attractive and in a different world I’d take any chance I could with the guy…but this is this world and there are no chances like that.

Right?

“Look, Abbey,”  That’s the breakup sound.  That is the beginning of a breakup delivery and it should not be coming out of his mouth.  This is my upset here, not his.  “I’m sorry for everything and I wish I could change it but I don’t think that there’s any way I’ll ever know you like Justin does.  I just can’t compete with that.”

“Are you giving me the brush off?  Are you really trying to tell me that because you didn’t take the time to try and get to know me that I’m to blame and you’re giving me the brush off?”  I’m so pissed at this moment that I consider throwing my phone, but I really like my phone so I don’t.

“I…yeah, I guess that’s what this is.”  He sounds upset, and I can’t seem to bring myself to care.  “Listen, I’m getting called back to the set, I have to go.”

He hangs up without another word and I let out a scream that brings Mick and Todd running into my room.

“What’s going on, are you OK?”  They both look worried and ready to pounce on the thing attacking me, but I wave them off and usher them toward the door.  Mick gives me a knowing look and I glare at him.

“I’m fine, I swear.  Things in Abbey’s world are just peachy and no one needs to worry.  I was just screaming because I’d gotten a text telling me that I’d won an online contest and I’m now the proud owner of a Magic Bullet food processor.  Woo.”  I shove them out the door and close it tight behind me.

What the hell am I going to do now? 

I have a show in two hours and I’m so on edge that my hands are shaking.  I know I can’t play if my hands are this unsteady, and I certainly can’t sing when I feel like my stomach is in my throat.

Why is everything always coming back to me and Justin?  Really.  I mean, there’s no way in hell that he could have anything but brotherly feelings toward me.  I know it, I just do.  We’ve been friends from the beginning and there’s no way that a man like Justin could ever fall for a girl like me.  I’m too plain and certainly not like his other celebrity conquests.  There’s just no possible way that Justin is harboring some unrequited love that he’s too scared to tell me about.  He tells me everything.  He tells me when my breath is rank, he tells me when I look like shit, he even tells me when he can’t stand to be around me anymore. 

Of course, he also tells me when I look beautiful and when I’ve done something to make him so proud that he can’t stop beaming.

But that’s not love.  No siree bob.  That’s not love at all.

That’s…that’s just…oh shit.  It’s just not love.

In fact, I’m going to call him right now and get some answers and everything will be settled.  He’ll tell me that he doesn’t love me and I’ll tell him that there’s no chance at all that I could have even the tiniest, slightest crush on him (I swear) and that will be that.  We’ll go back to be Hey Jude and Boss man and everything will be just as it was.

I mean, just because John thought something was going on, and my Mom thought that something was up, and Rachel and Trace thought something was going on, and Channing thought there were feelings there, and Mick thinks he seems something...none of that means that there are any secret feelings between my Boss and me.  None at all.

Really.

None.

I grab the phone I was thinking of throwing and punch in the speed dial for Justin’s phone.  I’m going to put an end to this and get my life back on track and start dating someone that doesn’t think my boss and I have a relationship going on.

“Hey Jude, what’s up?”  His smooth voice comes over the line and I calm down a little at the sound of it.  Of course, my nerves are jumping all over the place and I can’t believe I’m about to ask him this next question.

“Justin, are you in love with me?”

My phone rings, playing the chorus of “Hey Jude,” so I know exactly who’s calling.  It’s pretty helpful, really.

“Hey Jude, what’s up?”

“Justin, are you in love with me?”

My heart jumps into my throat and I drop the phone to the floor, scrambling to find a little composure and act calm.  Where the hell did that come from? And what the hell am I supposed to answer with?

“What?”  That’s a safe bet, play dumb, Justin.  Lord knows I’ve been acting dumb lately, might as well capitalize on it.

“It’s just…a lot of people have been commenting on how we act with each other and how much you care for me and all of this stuff.  And then today Mick told me how you helped Channing out with those gifts and he made some remark about ‘how Justin really feels’ and I’m just really confused.”

So am I.

“Uhm…”  I’m really at a loss for words here.  I’m a little pissed off that Mick told Abbey anything, but I’m not surprised because he’s been threatening to for weeks.  He said if he had to hear one more girly squeal about how awesome Channing was and how thoughtful he could be he was going to have to break the news to her.  He was afraid of her getting hurt again…I can’t really blame the guy.  I can be pissed off, but I can’t blame him.

“I know, I’m putting you in a totally awkward spot and I can’t believe I even asked the question.”  She starts rambling and I catch myself thinking about how cute it is when she rambles.  And then I get the desire to bang my head against the wall.

“Abbey…”  I try and cut her off, even though I have no idea what I’m going to say to her.  My quick thinking skills are rather sluggish this afternoon and I’m wishing I’d opted for some coffee instead of tea.

“I guess I just wonder why you would go through all the trouble of doing nice things for me, and I can’t get Rachel’s nagging voice out of my head.  I can just imagine her ‘I told you so’ because she knew all along that something was going on between us.”

She’s stopped talking now and I guess that’s my cue to start with some answers, but I’m really not sure what to say.  I can’t just come out and tell her how I feel, because that would open up a can of worms that neither of us wants to deal with.  Plus, I’m pretty sure that she has no feelings for me whatsoever and I would just make an ass of myself by assuming that she does.  Get it, assuming…makes and ass of u and me.  Ha…I know, I won’t quit my day job.

“Justin?  Are you avoiding the questions because you’re completely baffled and disgusted at the thought of us being together?  Or are you hesitating because you’re afraid to tell me the truth?”

I’ll take answer number two for the rest of my pride, Alex.

I suppose I should start by being honest.  Well, partially honest, anyway.  “I did help Channing with those gifts, but only because he looked so pitiful both times that I felt really bad for the guy and I didn’t want you to be disappointed.”  See, I was honest.

“So you thought it would be better for him to lie to me and for our relationship to be based on false ideas?  That’s like some sick twisted Cyrano De Bergerac or something.”

“No, I had no idea that he was going to pretend that he thought of those gifts all by himself.  That’s between the two of you, Abbey.  And even if he didn’t come up with the ideas all on his own, does that really change how things were between the two of you?”  I can’t believe I’m partially defending the dude.

“Yes!” She’s emphatic.  “It makes a huge difference because it means he didn’t even know me at all.  It means he was using you to make me think that we had something more than we really did.  I can’t believe I slept with the guy.”  The last part is said more to herself, but I catch it like a punch to the gut.  I didn’t want to hear that.

“Well, I’m sorry.  I just thought I was looking out for you.  Next time I’ll tell you that the guy’s a douche bag and not worry about your happiness.”

“Gee, thanks.”  There’s not even a little hint of laughter in her voice and I’m really worried that I fucked up this friendship without even venturing into ‘I love you’ territory.  Dammit.

“Sorry, I’ll hold off on the sarcasm.”  This time I’m being really genuine.  I don’t want her to be mad at me.  That would suck even worse than pining after her from a distance. 

Wow, I sound pretty lame right about now.

“You never answered my original question, though.”  I know exactly what she’s talking about and I was really hoping that she’d forgotten about that little piece of the conversation.  Maybe I liked it better when she was mad.

“What question would that be?” Yup, playing dumb again.

“Don’t be an idiot.  Are you in love with me?  Because everyone around here seems to think you are.  I’m getting sick of being the only one left in the dark.”

“You’re not the only one in the dark.  I wasn’t aware that everyone thought I was in love with you.”  Perhaps diverting the topic will get rid of the question hanging between us like a bad smell.  That’s not a good sign, is it?  That the idea of me loving Abbey is being compared to a foul odor.

“Well, they do.  So, I figured I’d go right to the source and get some answers once and for all.  I’d like to move on from this topic.”

Me too.  “I care about you a lot Abbey,” more than you’ll know, in fact, “and I suppose you could use the word ‘love’ to describe how I feel…”

Just like I’d hoped, she fills in the rest of the sentence. “But you think of me just as a sister and you’re not in love with me.”  It’s said as a statement and I think I detect a tiny bit of sadness in it, but that could just be the hopes talking.

“I’m sorry, Abbey, I never meant for you to get hurt.  If you want, I’ll call Channing and ream him a new one like I did to John.”  I mean that, too.  I would really enjoy getting to run the fact that he’s not good enough for my Jude into his face.  It might make this conversation sting a little bit less.

“Eh, not worth the trouble, boss man.  I’m sorry to keep bothering you with this.”  She lets out a sign and I can almost feel her exhaustion over the phone.

“Hey Jude, did you eat lunch?”  Manager mode is starting to kick in and looking at the clock I’m starting to get worried about how ready she’ll be for the show tonight.

“Not yet, all this crap came up.  I’ll go down to the cafeteria and grab something.”

“No, you’ll stay in your dressing room and relax.  Call Sadie and ask her to get you some food.  That’s her job now.  Try and catch a little shut-eye while you’re at it, OK?”

“Yes, sir.”  I can hear the mock salute in her voice and I chuckle a little, relaxing for the first time since she posed ‘the question.’

“I’ll see you later tonight, Abbey.”

“Later, Boss man.”

The line clicks off and I throw my phone down onto the couch with a large, heavy sigh.  I cannot believe that I just averted that situation and it went off as well as it did.  I really thought that I was going to loose my cool and tell her something that could jeopardize our friendship and our boss/artist relationship.  I would hate to scare her away or make her think that I’m crazy by confessing my love.

I just have to wait until I can fly off to Europe and I should be able to forget all about this little crush.  Although, now that I know that things between her and Channing are over I’m going to have a little trouble keeping away from her.  It was easier when I could remind myself that she was in a relationship and even more off-limits than before.  It was easier to keep up the professional side of our friendship and walk away thinking that there could never be anything more.  That there would never be anything more.  There’s too much risk involved, and I don’t want to get made a fool of if she laughs in my face and tells me that I’m nothing more than a ‘brother’ to her.

The only problem is that I can’t get that note of disappointment in her voice out of my head now.  I’m trying so hard to keep any hope I might have at bay, but sometimes I wonder if she doesn’t allow herself to feel anything for me because she’s convinced that I would never go for a girl like her. 

I’m not sure that thought even made sense.

A knock on the door leaves me no time to work out my thoughts, though, and a minute later Trace comes barreling into the room.

“What’s up, Fucker??”  He jumps over the back of the couch and lands next to me with a wide grin on his face.  He’s flown out to spend the last week and a half on tour with me and I couldn’t be more thankful.  “Oh, that’s a pretty serious look you’ve got on there.”

I should know that my best friend is going to be able to read me.  It doesn’t help that I wear my heart on my sleeve all the time and it’s pretty obvious that something’s been on my mind lately.  My reserve crumbles and I just have to talk to someone about this.  I can’t keep these thoughts in anymore, and it would be nice to have someone help make some sense of what’s going on upstairs.

“Yeah, well, there are some pretty serious thoughts going through my head.”

“Can’t decide which porn station to buy?  I have the same problem.”  I let out a laugh.  Leave it to Trace to find a way to get me out of my funk by being a dirty bastard.

“Hardly.  You’d get both.”

“Touche.”  He grins that wide, crazy grin at me and I’m really thankful that he’s here.

“I’ve just been doing something thinking.  I might need a little man-to-man advice.” 

“Size doesn’t matter Justin, no matter what the girls says.  It’s the bang in your buck that counts.”  This time I don’t laugh.  A little sexual humor is fun for a while, but I’m really not in the mood.

“Can we be serious here?”  He sobers up and turns to give me his full attention.  I can’t believe I’m about to admit this out loud to the biggest gossip I know.  “I’m in love with Abbey Rhodes.”

The silence that falls over the room is so complete I fear that I might be deaf for a minute before Trace’s loud guffaw breaks into my thoughts.

“I knew it!”  I can tell that it’s taking him all the restraint in his body not to get up and do a victory dance around the hotel room.  “I knew that you were harboring some secret desire to bang our little Abra Kadabra.”

“I don’t want to bang her!”  He gives me a look and I relent, “OK, I would love to get her into bed, but that’s not my predicament.  If it were just about sex I’d call up one of my old flings and have a roll in the hay to satisfy the craving.  This is way deeper than that.”

“You’re really serious about this, aren’t you?”  He quiets a little, taking a long, hard look at my face.

“As a heart attack.”  I can’t stand to watch him scrutinize me, so I start to pick at a thread on my shirt.

“Does she know?”

“No.  She called me up asking if I was in love with her,” I tell him about Mick’s little confession earlier today.  “I managed to avoid really answering the question and she thinks I love her like a brother.”

“Did she sound relieved?”  He’s probably wondering the same thing I do, and I think that right now it’ll be OK for me to have a tiny speck of hope.

“Actually she sounded a little disappointed, but that might have been my imagination.  I don’t know how to read her when it comes to this because we’ve only ever had a platonic relationship.”  I pull at the string in my fingers, causing my shirt to bunch a little and start to separate.

“Maybe you should just tell her how you feel?”  He offers, and I don’t even consider the statement.  It’s probably because I’ve done such a good job at convincing myself of everything that will go wrong if I tell her.

“I couldn’t.  I would hate to make a stupid mistake in believing that she might feel something for me, too, and ruin our friendship and our working relationship.  We’re great in the studio together and I don’t want things to be awkward because she knows her boss has the hots for her and she doesn’t feel the same thing back.  Girls always get weirded out by shit like that.”

Trace nods his head and looks thoughtful.

“What’s Rachel’s take on all of this?  Have you told her yet?”

“No!”  I about jump out of my skin at the thought.  “No, and I’m not going to tell her.  She’s already convinced that she’s right and I’m in love with Abbey and I would hate for her to get the satisfaction of knowing the truth.  Plus, she’d say the same thing you just did and that wouldn’t get me anywhere new.”

“Well…” I wait for a profound piece of advice, but it’s Trace and I should know better.  “You’re pretty much fucked either way you look at it.  So, you can either be miserable and have her as a friend or you can tell her how you feel and risk being miserable and friendless.”

“That’s helpful.”

“But, you could also take a chance and tell her how you feel and she could reciprocate and you’d be happy, in love, and have your friend, too.”

“That’s even more helpful.”  I chuck a pillow at his head a scowl.

Telling him was supposed to turn on the proverbial light bulb and make this decision easier.  Or at the very least, he was supposed to reassure me that I’m making the right choice by backing off and not telling her how I feel.  Now I’ve got possibilities swimming around in my head and I can’t help the hope that’s swelling in my chest.  This hope is a bad thing.

A very bad, bad thing.

“He’s lying.”  It’s said out loud to myself, but I jump when I hear a voice behind me.

“Whose lying?”  Sadie steps into my dressing room, a bag in hand.

“What’re you doing here?  I thought you’d gone back to the hotel?”  I stop my pacing and grab a seat on the couch as she sits down next to me.  I’m actually glad that she’s here.  I think I would’ve gone crazy if I’d been left alone to think about the conversation I just had.

“I realized that I didn’t have as much to do as I thought, so I decided to stay and grab something to eat.  I figured that I’d see you down at the cafeteria, but when you didn’t show I grabbed you some food and thought I’d bring it down.”  She offers me a container and I grab it with a thanks.

“You’re a life saver.  I was just about to call you and have you get me something.”  I sit, happy to have some food and something to occupy my mind.  Of course, I should’ve known that I wasn’t going to be able to forget that easily.

“So, whose a liar?”  She sits back against the couch, waiting for an answer.  I guess we’re about to get a crash course in getting to know each other.

“Justin.”

“Uh oh, that’s not good.”  She grabs a bag of carrot sticks that she brought with her and starts to munch.  “He didn’t lie about something important, did he?”

“Oh…just the fact that’s he’s in love with me.”  I laugh a little as she spits out the piece of carrot she was eating and looks at me with wide eyes.  I nod my head at the question on her face.  “Yeah, there’s been a lot of speculation from everyone else on the tour and I got sick of it, so I decided to ask him.  He lied.”

I take a few minutes to fill her in on all that’s happening.  It’s really nice to have a neutral party to talk to, because the only other girl I can talk to is Rachel and…well…she’s in the “Justin and Abbey sittin’ in a tree” party.  She follows along, her eyes looking like they’re ready to pop out of her head.

“So he was giving Channing the gifts that he’d really gotten for you?”  She’s now got the bag of carrots in her lap and she’s watching me as if she were watching some intense movie or something.

“Yeah, he was.  I called Channing and reamed him out for it.  I’m just upset because he lied to me about it, both of them have lied.”

“How do you know Justin was lying when you asked him if he was in love with you?”

“Aside from the fact that he dropped the phone, he never actually answered the question.”  Sadie stands up and I take the opportunity to stretch my legs across the couch.  “He avoided it and then did that thing where he started to say something about how much he cared for me and then he trailed off…”

“So you would finish the sentence.  I hate it when guys do that.”

“Yeah, me too.  But I finished the sentence anyway, pretending that I believed he thinks of me just as a little sister, and now, here I am.”  I grab the bottled water on the table next to me and take a long, soothing sip.  It feels better to have this off of my chest, but now I’m stuck with not knowing what I should do about it.

“How do you feel about Justin?”  I stop, mid-sip, and give Sadie a long stare.  I’m really not sure how to answer that question.  I’ve been avoiding thinking about it since Rachel brought it up all those weeks ago. 

“Uhm…I don’t know.”

“That has to mean something.”  She says, knowingly.  Sadie is a beautiful woman.  She’s a little on the short side, but she has this sandy brown hair and sparkling green eyes that remind me of Spring.  She has an understated elegance about her than draws your attention whenever she’s in the room, but she is quiet most of the time.  I really like her, and I’m really glad that we’re getting along so well, too.  It helps that she’s amazing as a personal assistant, but I think she and I are really going to become good friends.

“Does it?”  I sit back, closing my eyes and trying to relax.  “I was hoping that my lack of decisiveness could be chalked up to having this news to handle and I wouldn’t really have to make a decision on how I felt.  I mean, he’s obviously avoiding it, why shouldn’t I?”

“Because then both of you are being idiots, instead of just Justin.  I mean, if I had a guy like Justin Timberlake pining after me I’d be on that in a heartbeat.  He is one fine piece of man meat, honey.”

I roll my eyes.  “You just wait until you get to know him, then he won’t seem so hunky.”  I laugh a little, remembering stupid things that he’s done, “Like he’s always right, even when he’s wrong.  And then, he has this annoying habit of singing or humming all the time, and if you’re singing a song he has to join in on harmonies.  Oh, and he makes this face when you say something that makes him uncomfortable, like, his nose scrunches up just the tiniest bit and he lets out a puff of air.  It’s annoying.”

“Mmmhmm, I’ll bet.”  The tone with which she speaks has me opening my eyes to look at her, a knowing look covering her features.  “Sounds to me like you’re pretty smitten with Mr. Pop Star.  I mean, who else would know all these tiny details about him?”

“Rachel and Trace would.”  An indignant reply comes out of my mouth and I can feel my heart beating faster at the thought of how much I really do notice about Justin.

“Yeah, and I know that when it comes from Rachel or Trace it won’t sound so dreamy or love-struck.”

“I am not love struck!” I shouldn’t be yelling like this, right before a show, but my assistant is spouting off some serious bullshit at the moment.

“Ok, Abbey, I believe you.” And her tone says the exact opposite.

Of course, now I start thinking.  “It wouldn’t matter, anyway, if I had feelings for him.  He would never go for a girl like me.”  I assure myself, even though I don’t really believe it.

“I thought you told me that he’s in love with you?  Remember, you asked and he avoided?  Classic signs of harboring feelings. There goes your excuse that he wouldn’t go for a girl like you.”  She sits back, her arms crossed against her chest, an infuriatingly smug smile tugging at her mouth.  Well, shit, she’s right.

“There’s just…No…no way.  Whatever I feel is just some lingering teeny-bopper crush brought on by the idea that he might have feelings for me.  My mind is simply wishing and there is no way that anything would work between us.  It would mess up our friendship, for one.” 

There, see?  I’m right, I just know it.

“Or it could make your friendship better.  There’s nothing more satisfying than being in love with your best friend.  In fact, I think it’s the only way to truly be in love.”

At that, I’m pushed into a thoughtful but stunned silence.  She’s right, but I am by no means ready to admit that aloud.  It would be a lie to say that I’ve never entertained the thought of what it might be like to be wooed by Justin Timberlake, but again, I’ve gotten to know him and that school girl crush just seemed to fade.  Or, at least, I thought it did.  I suppose I’ve suppressed any hopes because he had Jill, I was with John, and we were such good friends.  It’s almost like the Justin Timberlake that I’d had a crush on when I was younger is a completely different man than the Justin I call my boss.  Of course, there’s still the same charm and swagger that every girl loves, but he’s just…different than I’d imagined him to be.

It’s not a bad different, it’s just different.  I’d always dreamed that if I ever got to meet him I’d fall head over heels in love and he’d do the same with me.  Then, I got my record contract and actually met him and those sparks never flew.  Apparently things were a slow burn, because it suddenly seems that I’m in the middle of a fire and I have no idea how to get out of it.

I cannot believe that I’m entertaining thoughts about Justin and me.  It just feels…incestuous.  Kinda. 

Sadie makes a noise and I’m brought out of my thoughts.  “What was that?”

“I was just wondering what was going on in that head of yours, you seemed pretty lost in your thoughts.”

I shrug.  “Yeah, I’m just really baffled at this whole situation, and I’m not sure what to do about it.”

She leans forward, resting her elbows on her knees.  “Who says you need to do something about it?  Justin’s obviously avoiding everything, why shouldn’t you?”  She repeats my words with a grin, knowing that she’s managed to plant a thought in my head and now I’m going to be consumed by it.

But, really, who does say that I need to act on any of this knowledge?  I can go on with my life, pretending that everything is the way it always has been and there is no need to get messy with emotions, feelings, and hormones.  None at all.

~*~

Sadie sits on the edge of her seat, loudly screaming along with the crowd around us.  I decided to grab a seat with her after my set.  I’ve grown to like having her around, even thought we haven’t officially known each other for more than a day, but that’s OK.  I also don’t mind sitting back and watching Justin do his thing on stage.

It’s strange, watching his performance after having my little epiphany.  I keep reminding myself that he never said he was in love with me; I’m only going on a hunch.  But then that little voice in my head pipes up and reminds me that I know Justin really well and I know that he was lying on the phone earlier.

Damn Girl starts to play and I find myself in awe of what’s happening on stage.  I never gave much thought to how sexual this show is, but watching Justin gyrate his way through dancers is making the arena seem a little heated and I wonder if I’m the only one thinking it’s hot in here.  He’s got this sexy little grin on his face as he plays with the audience and the people around him and I almost die when he sends a wink in my direction.  Wow, I’ve regressed to a melted mush of teenage hormones.

Damnit!  Why is this happening?  I’ve never watched Justin’s shows with anything more than a mild appreciation for the way the boy can work the stage.  I have never, ever entertained anything other than pg rated thoughts when it’s come to Justin and this is starting to piss me off.  Just because some silly little idea has been planted in my head.

“I’m making myself believe that I have feelings for him because I know he feels something for me.”  I conclude.

“What?”  Sadie yells, obviously in a daze from the spectacle in front of us.  “Did you say something to me?”

“Never mind.  I was talking to myself.”

She leans in close so she doesn’t have to yell, “You know, it’s OK if you have feelings for him, Abbey.  It’s not the end of the world.”  She grins, “If I were you, I’d have a little fun with the whole thing while I had the chance.”

I laugh a little as she lets out a whistle and fans herself.  The screams filling the arena increase as Justin goes into his next song and I find my eyes following his every move.

I don’t want to ruin my friendship, and if I know Justin, he’s worried about the same thing and that’s the reason he’s never mentioned this crush before.  And I think our friendship is a damn good reason to keep it platonic.  We work really well together in the studio, he’s a blast to be around on tour, and he is probably my best guy friend.  Or course, I can’t help but replay Sadie’s words from before about being in love with your best friend being a completely satisfying experience.  In most other situations I would agree, but most other situations don’t include Justin Timberlake as said best friend.

I excuse myself from Sadie, stopping to sign a few autographs as I leave the seating area.  I’ve had such a great response from these fans, it’s been amazing.  I’m a little sad to think about it ending in only a few days, but it will be very nice to sleep in my own bed again.

I spot Trace and Rachel hanging out back stage, so I take a quick corner and hope that they don’t see me.  I really can’t handle a conversation with the two of them right now.  I might say something to tip them off about this whole situation and I don’t want to have to dissect my feelings anymore.  I just want to let it go and have everything be normal.

I wander down the hallway that leads to the dressing rooms.  I love it when it’s quiet and empty.  The soft pat-pat of my flip-slops echos quietly and I smile at the sound; it’s one of my favorites.  I stop in front of Justin’s door, staring at it as if the solid piece of wood might offer me some insight into what I should do.

Obviously I could go on pretending that everything between us is normal, but that’s going to be much more difficult now that I know he’s got feelings for me.  It was easier for us to keep our friendship normal when I was in the dark about everything.  Although things were pretty awkward for a while.  I just…I don’t know if I should call him out on it, or if I should pretend that I believed his lie and move on.  He is leaving for three weeks as soon as the tour is over.  It’ll give us plenty of space and time so that we won’t be in each other’s faces.

Maybe that’s it.  Maybe all of these non-platonic feelings are coming from our constant and forced closeness.  There were never signs of crushes while we were making my album, but then again, he was with Jill and I was with John and I was still a little intimidated by the guy.

There’s noise at the end of the hall and a swarm of people start walking in my direction.  The show is over.  Justin’s grinning face comes into my view and I wait by his door, unsure of what I’m going to say but feeling like I need to see him.

“Jude!”  His excited yell comes down the hallway and I can’t help but smile at him.  He makes his way toward me, and before I know it I’m being pulled into his arms and swept off my feet.  We spin in circles a few times before he sets me down with a laugh.

“Hey, Boss man.”  He plants a loud kiss on my cheek and against my wishes, my stomach flutters.

“Did you enjoy the show?”  He asks, ushering me into his dressing room.  The noise behind us lowers considerably as the door closes and I suddenly feel nervous.  The last time I was nervous around this man was the very first time I met him.

“You were great, as always.”  I catch his grin again and those butterflies are back, tenfold. 

I stand awkwardly by the door as he moves around the room, shedding clothing as he goes.  First, it’s the shoes and socks.  Justin hates wearing sweaty socks.  Then it’s the t-shirt and I about choke as a full view of those amazing abs is afforded to me.  I don’t know if it’s because I’m suddenly aware of any chemistry between us, or what, but I can’t take my eyes off of him and I’m getting a little hot.

“Jude?”  He’s got a grin on his face and I know it’s because I’ve been caught checking him out.  “See something you like?” 

“You wish.”  I retort, hoping my cheeks will turn back to their normal color.

He steps into the adjoining bathroom and I can hear the rest of his clothes fall to the tile floor and the shower turn on.  I take a second to fan myself, not believing how uncomfortably hot I am after witnessing all that.  And now I have the thought of him in the shower next to me and it’s about all I can take.

“Boss man?”  I inch closer to the bathroom, afraid that getting too close will make these crazy thoughts take over my body and I might do something stupid, like jump in the shower with him.

Oh God, I can’t believe I just thought that.  I can’t believe that any of these thoughts are entering my head at all.  This is my BOSS I’m thinking about.  This is Justin! The guy I’ve had to put up with for weeks on end and…and…I need to get out of this room.

“What’s up?”  His question comes from behind the bathroom door and I make my goodbye a quick one.

“I’ll see you back at the hotel.”  I don’t give him time to say anything else as I rush out the door and back to my own dressing room. 

I really have to stop lusting after Justin.  I don’t want a relationship with him and I don’t want to mess up our friendship because my body is hormonal and I’ve suddenly started lusting after him.  This can’t happen.  Not at all.  I don’t care if I know that he’s got feelings for me, and I don’t care that I’ve always wondered what it would be like.

The last show of the tour is always bitter sweet for me.  I’m really going to miss being in front of all these fans and having a chance to share my music with them, but I’m really not going to miss being on the road.  Of course, I’m headed to Europe tomorrow, but that doesn’t count.  Trace can’t go with me because he has to stay in the States, and I’m only taking half of my dancers.  This decision to head to Europe for a couple weeks was a little last minute, and I couldn’t expect my dancers to stay past their contracts, so I had to draw up some new ones and only half of them could tag along.

I’m happy that it’s only a couple of week.  I really want to be in my house again.

And then, of course, there’s Abbey.  I’m really torn about leaving her, but I think it’s for the best.  She’s been acting pretty strange lately.  After that whole phone call about if I’m in love with her, I thought that we’d move on from all that crap, but she’s…strange.  Distant, almost.  I can’t joke around with her without her face turning bright red and she cannot tolerate physical contact, even the tiniest bit.  I’m not sure what’s going on, but I’m hoping that a couple weeks apart will be enough to bring us back to normal.

I don’t really want to leave her.  I’ve gotten pretty used to having her around, and it’s going to suck being stuck in a whole other country without her to distract me.  But, then again, the point of going to that whole other country is so that it can distract me from Abbey.

I’ve set up studio time for her when she gets back.  I want her to meet with some new producers and stretch herself a little.  Of course, I want to work with her again (I swear it’s not the crush talking) so some time after I get back from Europe I’ll head into the studio with her.  I’ve got a couple ideas in mind for her new album, but I think it’ll be good for her to work with some other people.  And I hope that by the time I get back things with us will be right again.

“Justin, you’ve got about ten minutes, you should start heading toward the stage.”  Rachel pokes her head into my dressing room and I nod in acknowledgement. 

I really can’t believe that this is the last show.  This tour has flown by, and it just doesn’t seem real.  I’m looking forward to it, though.  All of the crowds have been kick ass and I know that this one won’t be any different.

I take one last, long sip of water and then a deep breath before heading out the door and down the hallway.  I can hear the crowd getting pumped, their screams getting louder as the lights start to change on the stage.

Abbey is standing ahead of me, a towel wrapped around her shoulders and a huge smile sitting on her face.  I watched her show in the monitor, and I have to say that she’s become an amazing performer.  I’m really happy that I got the chance to watch her grow.  It’s one thing to manage an artist and have your hands in what they do, it’s another thing to take them out on tour with you and really get to watch them flourish and thrive.  I’m damn proud of that girl.

“Hey Jude, you kicked ass up there.”  That grin become directed at me, and if possible, even bigger.  I brace myself as she runs at me, throwing herself into my arms.  She smells slightly sweaty and I can feel her heat through my suit, but I don’t really care.  She also still smells sweet, and I have to stop myself from burring my face into her neck.

“Thanks Boss man.”  She stares up at me for a second, and then realizes that she’s in my arms and she takes a step back, looking flustered.  “Uh, make ‘em swoon.”  She laughs a little, still looking quite uncomfortable and I really wonder what’s going on.

I don’t have time to dwell on it, though.  I’m ushered under the stage and I make sure to find everyone underneath for the ritual fist-bump.  My stomach flutters slightly as I take my place in front of the microphone.  The music starts and I adjust my in ears, ready to put on one hell of a show.

Here goes everything.

~*~

“I fucking love my job.”  I speak into the microphone, grinning like an idiot as the screams around me grow a few decibel levels.  “I can’t believe that this is my life.  Thank y’all for coming out tonight.  I’ve got one last song for ya, if you’ll let me play.”

The screams sound again, and I place my hands on the piano, taking one last second to relish in the adoration before starting the song.  I know I have show dates over seas, but it still feels like my last show.

The next few minutes fly, and I can’t believe that it’s over.  I stretch out the last few notes, exciting the crowd and loving it.  This is why I do this job.  This moment is why I deal with all of the press and all the other shit that comes with fame.  I do it all for this feeling right here.

The Verve’s “Bittersweet Symphony” sounds throughout the arena as I wave goodbye and take one last minute or two to appreciate the fans.  The dancers and crew join me, Abbey too, and we all take one last bow before exiting the stage. 

Hugs are being shared all around, and there’s a sense of relief, excitement, and even a little sadness as everything comes to an end.  There’s still a lot of clean up to do, and there’s an after party happening back at the hotel, so the nights not over.  I’m excited.  I’m excited to think that I can really take a break in a couple of weeks, too.  It’s not completely over, yet, but I am going to take tonight to celebrate how kick ass this tour has been.

“Hey Justin, see you at the hotel!”  A couple of the dancers rush by and I wave back at them.  I can tell that there are going to be a lot of drunk people tonight.  Including myself, if I can ever get out of here.

It takes me another thirty minutes to get all of my stuff together and get shuttled back to the hotel so I can shower.  Trace is in my room and we throw back a few shots before we head downstairs. 

“Awesome show, fucker.” Trace toasts to me and I grin before downing the tequila and sucking on a piece of lime.  I cannot wait to get shitty tonight.  I want to let loose, celebrate, and ignore the voice in the back of my mind that’s telling me I won’t get to see Abbey for another two weeks.

The ballroom of the hotel is crowded with people.  Dancers, crew, musicians, everyone that was involved in this tour is here and I’m glad to see everyone letting loose.  It doesn’t take me long to spot my favorite obsession across the room standing with her assistant, and it must be liquid courage coursing through my body that propels me toward her.

“Boss man!”  I don’t miss the fact that she doesn’t attempt to hug me this time.

“Hey Jude,”  I place a kiss on her cheek, knowing that I’m making her uncomfortable but not really caring right now.  It’s one thing for me to pull away when things get weird, but I really don’t like when she’s distant.  I know, I’m being a whiny bitch.  “Want to dance?”

Abbey takes a minute or two to think over my request before Sadie pushes her forward into my arms.  Good girl.  I knew I hired her for a reason.  I pull Abbey onto the dance floor, bringing her close so I can have a little body contact as we dance.  I’m probably going to make an ass of myself by doing this, but I like feeling her close.  Plus, I’ve decided that this will be the last time I think about whatever feelings I have for this girl.  Once I’m back from Europe things are strictly platonic.  Yup, that’s my plan.

Abbey is a little stiff as we start to dance, and I almost feel bad.  At least I picked a fast song, though, I think she would run away if this were a slow one. 

“Relax.”  I breathe into her ear and place my hands onto her waist.  She hesitates for another second but then places her hand on my shoulders, bumping her hips into mine.  I grin, feeling slightly buzzed but enjoying this entirely.  We grind together and I can’t believe that Abbey even thought she couldn’t dance.  I mean, she’s not great at choreography, but this is the dancing that counts in my opinion.

I keep her on the floor with me for another song before we break so I can grab another drink and she can…well, do whatever it is she was doing.  I admire her short dress as she walks away toward Sadie and some of the dancers.  Trace appears next to me with a drink and I gratefully accept it, downing most of it with the first swallow.

I know I can’t get too drunk because it’ll make my flight tomorrow morning a bitch to deal with, but at this point I don’t care too much.  I might in the morning, but right now I don’t.

“Abbey looks hot tonight.”  Trace’s voice sounds next to me and I nod, scanning the room to find her again.  He’s been pretty cool with me after my whole confession.  I expected more ribbing, but he’s laid off and I’m thankful for that.  I know I’m being a little bit of a pussy for ignoring my feelings, but I really don’t want to mess up this friendship.  She means too much to me.

At this point I’m sufficiently buzzed and I want to get back out on the dance floor.  My eyes are automatically drawn to Abbey, and against my better judgment, I head back out onto the floor and take a place near to her.  There’s a group of people dancing in a circle and I smile at a couple of them before sliding up behind Abbey and placing my hands on her hips.  She startles for a second, but when she discovers it’s me she grins and relaxes back into my chest.  She must have thrown back a couple of drinks, too, because this is the loosest she’s been all night.

“You look hot tonight, Jude.”  I place my lips on the shell of her ear as I speak.  She giggles, moving away from the tickle of my breath and turning in my arms to face me.

“You don’t look so bad yourself, Boss man.”  She eyes me up and down and I swallow hard, hoping that I don’t get too aroused right now.  We move together, finding a beat of our own to groove to.  This might just be heaven. 

Abbey grins up at me, her eyes a little glassy with alcohol.  Her hips grind into mine and I can feel the sensation all the way down to my toes.  I know that I’m probably going to regret this as soon as it’s over, but I can’t help myself.  She looks too good and I’m a little too drunk.

I lean forward, using my hands to pull her body flush against mine as I firmly place my mouth over hers.  She melts into me, no hesitation at all, and I can taste the sweetness of whatever drink she had earlier.  Our lips slid together and our bodies stay tight against each other.  Tentatively, my tongue slips out to taste a little more, and I let out a groan when she accepts and her tongue meets mine. 

My fingers are digging into her hips, gripping the sparkly dress that she’s wearing and probably making it ride up her thighs.  If I weren’t so wrapped up in this kiss I would probably want to check out the view of her legs I know I’m creating.  Her hands fist in my shirt, pulling my body harder against hers.

I sink deeper into her, my hands venturing onto her ass and I wish that we weren’t standing in the middle of a crowded dance floor.

It’s as if she reads my thoughts and realizes exactly what she’s doing, because Abbey pushes against my chest and separates our lips.  She looks slightly horrified as she glances around us to see if anyone else has noticed our little make out session.  I reach out to grab her but I’m too slow.  She darts off the dance floor and disappears into the crowd.  I don’t have nerve to go after her and face what just happened.  I don’t want to hear her reasons why she just doesn’t feel the same, and I’d like to remember that kiss without the heartbreak of her denial.

My fuzzy brain clears a little and the truth of my actions starts to sink in.  I just kissed Abbey.  I just kissed Abbey in the middle of a room filled with everyone from the tour.  I just kissed Abbey and she ran away from me.

I might have just made an ass of myself.

~*~

Hangovers are a bitch.

After my huge mistake with Abbey last night, I hit the bottle pretty hard and now I’m paying for it.  Being 30,000 feet in the air doesn’t help much, either.

I tried to find Abbey this morning so we could talk before I leave, but she was no where to be found and I’m a little relieved.  I mean, I know what I did was stupid and we should probably sort everything out, but I wasn’t ready to face what I did and admit that it was wrong.  I liked it.  The erection I had all night says I loved it.  I liked it so much I replayed it all night in my head.

I am so hung up on this girl.

I’m in a strange stage of limbo about everything.  I know I should feel like an ass, and in a way I do.  I don’t want to fuck up our friendship, but, strangely enough, I don’t regret that kiss one little bit.  I just know that she probably regrets it and that’s the bad part about it all.

Now, I’m stuck on a plane to England without anyone to talk to.  Trace stayed back in the States because he had things to take care of, and I’m not about to reach out to my wonderful cousin who’s been watching me like a fucking hawk.  I think she suspects something happened.

Oh well.  I’ll have to face Abbey in a couple of weeks when I go into the studio, and we’ll just have to sort all this shit out then.

I just hope she doesn’t hate me forever.  I really made an ass of myself, didn’t I?

He kissed me.

Justin Timberlake kissed me.

That fact is still running through my head this morning at an alarming rate.  I have successfully avoided Justin and I know that he’s on his plane flight across the Atlantic, but I still can’t stop thinking about that damn kiss.  I’m currently sitting next to Sadie and she keeps giving me strange looks.  I know she witnessed the kiss that Justin and I shared last night, but I’m not sure I’m ready to talk about it yet.

I can’t believe it happened.  It was…well, to be honest it was really hot and I liked it.  But, I was slightly drunk and I know he was too.  I probably shouldn’t read into it, but, then again…I can’t help but read into it.  I mean, first I’m pretty sure he lies to me about how he feels, and then he goes and plants one hell of a kiss on me.  Being up against his hard body and feeling those amazing lips on my own was purely orgasmic and I…

I ran away.

I turned tail and ran until I was holed up in my hotel room and far, far away from the temptation that is Justin Timberlake.  I must be ten different kinds of crazy.

I needed some time to process the whole thing, really.  It was a bit of an overload, all that alcohol and body contact and tongue touching.  I couldn’t believe that it was actually happening, and in front of everyone involved in the tour, too.  I was a little embarrassed and a lot confused.  I still am confused.  I have no idea how I feel about this, or what I should do about it.

“You keep your face like that much longer it’s going to stay that way.”  Sadie’s voice sounds softly next to me and I jump a little, coming out of my thoughts.  “You’ve got one serious look there, Abbey Rhodes.”

“Just thinking.” Shrugging, I sip at my water.

“You wouldn’t have a certain sexy singer on your mind, would you?”  Her eyebrows raise and she smirks.  “Or, perhaps, it was a kiss you shared with that certain sexy pop star that’s got you all serious.” 

“Both.”  I grumble.  I don’t know if I really want to talk about this, but seeing as there are two more hours of being stuck in this seat, I can’t really avoid it, now can I?

“What’s going on in that pretty little head of yours?”  She offers me her bag of peanut m&m’s and I gladly take a few.

“I have no idea what to do with all this.”  It’s honest, and I’m hoping that she can offer me some insight.

“Well,” she munches on a green m&m, “How do you feel about the kiss?  Let’s start there.”

That’s the question of the century.  “Well…it was nice.”  I start feebly.  Her eyes widen at me and she lightly smacks my arm.

“Nice?  Abbey, Justin freakin’ Timberlake laid a pretty hot kiss on you last night and all you can say about it was that it was ‘nice’?  Were you experiencing the same kiss that I was watching?  because ‘nice’ is certainly not the word that I would use.  Naughty, possibly, but not nice.”

“All right, it was hot and I enjoyed it a lot.”  There, I admitted it.  “I just don’t know what to do about that.”

“Who says you have to ‘do’ anything?  Justin’s out of the country, isn’t he?  I’m pretty sure you can avoid him for the next couple of weeks and that will be that.”  Why do I know that she doesn’t really mean what she says? My assistant is one tricky gal, I’ll tell you that.

“I have to ‘do’ something because Justin and I have a friendship and a working relationship and there’s no way I can avoid him for the rest of my life.  I can’t face him with this kiss sitting between us; it’ll get way too awkward.”

“Then I suggest you work out how you feel about him.  And then I suggest that the two of you sit down and figure this thing out before it ruins anything.”

That seems to be the last of her advice as she turns back to the magazine in front of her.  I’m still stuck, though.

My hand involuntarily reaches up to my mouth as I relive the kiss in my mind.  I may have been a little drunk, but I certainly remember every second of that moment.  I remember the way he tastes, the way he felt, and how much I enjoyed feeling his hands on me, even if he was grabbing my ass in public.

If I allow myself to be completely honest for just a moment, I have developed some strong feelings toward my boss man over the past couple of weeks, and having him kiss me like that just brought it all to a head.  There’s a very strong chance that he has the same strong feelings and I could just relax and fall into this thing, but I’m too much of a pansy to do that.  I would hate for something to happen between us and then we decide that we just don’t feel the same anymore and suddenly our friendship is damaged.  I’m not a casual relationship type of girl, and I couldn’t just act on my physical attraction without some emotions getting involved, too.

I’ve grown very fond of Justin over the time that I’ve known him, and despite the fact that those feels have grown into something less friend-territory, I am so afraid to risk what we do have.

Although, the desperate and all female side of me is dying to explore these feelings and try some more physical feeling with a few more kisses (and maybe something a little dirtier, but I refuse to think about that because I hate being horny without any outlet.)  It would be interesting to get to know just on a more intimate level than just friends, and I’m sure he’s completely devoted and attentive as a boyfriend.

Good Lord, I can’t believe I’m thinking about Justin Timberlake as a boyfriend, never mind my boyfriend.

I think I’ve gone crazy.

I glance over at Sadie and she’s engrossed in whatever she’s doing on her lap top.  It doesn’t look like I’ll be getting much more advice from her on this plane ride, so I pop in my headphones and turn my iPod onto shuffle.  I should try and get some sleep while I can.  I have a couple of days of downtime when I get back, but after that it’s right back into things.  I have some appearances to make, along with the studio time that Justin’s booked for me.

I’m excited to start getting into my sophomore album.  It’s going to be a long time before it’s released, but Justin wants me to have plenty of time to develop a sound, or many sounds.  I probably won’t release this album for another year or so, but it’s good to have no pressure as I head into meet with new producers.  I’m slightly nervous about working with new people, but it’ll be and adventure.  I wrote a lot of songs on my first album, but now that I’m a little more versed in how the studio works, I want to get into some production and stuff, too.  This is my chance to dabble, and I’m pretty damn excited about it.

I let out a sigh and rest my head against the back rest of the seat.  My hood has been pulled up over my head and I have a hat pulled low over my eyes so no one can see how terrible I look.  I didn’t get much sleep last night and I’m nursing a little bit of a hangover.

The song switches on my iPod and I grimace when I hear the familiar chords of one of my own songs start to play.  My mother insisted that I put my album on my iTunes so she could have it and I accidentally uploaded it.  I’m not so vain that I like to listen to my own voice all the time.  I’m about to change the song when the lyrics stop me and they get me thinking.

This is one of those cliché moments, you know?  Where I have an epiphany about how I feel and then I call Justin up and confess my unyielding love and then we live happily ever after.

Only it’s not.  I wrote that song about a friend of mine.  She was moving from bad relationship to bad relationship when finally (finally!) a great guy came along and she pushed him away.  Our group of friends sat back and watched as this poor girl avoided the guy and she was miserable.  We all pushed and pushed until she agreed to go out with him, and, well, they’re still madly in love.  The lyrics came to mind when someone noted that eventually, “real love would come looking” for my friend.  It’s one of my favorite songs.

I quickly switch the song on my iPod and let out a sigh when James Taylor comes on.  This is a little safer territory.

You’re probably sitting there thinking I just relayed this story about my friend and you’re getting frustrated with me because I don’t see the parallel to my own life.  You can save your frustration.  I see it.  I see it very clearly and I’m choosing to ignore it for the time being. 

I know what I feel but I’m too afraid of those feelings to want to act on them just yet.  I have a couple of weeks to get my head straight before I have to see Justin again, so I think I’m just going to sit on this for a while and see what happens when he gets back.

Good idea, right?

~*~

The beat that fills the small studio is funky and fast, something I don’t usually do.  I like it, though, and this producer has been amazing to work with.  He’s managed to discover a new side to my music and I’ve been thoroughly enjoying this studio time.

Of course, today I have had major bouts of butterflies in my stomach because today is the day that Justin comes in to see what we’ve been up to and take a listen to my songs.  I keep telling myself that I’m nervous about his reaction to the music, but I know that that’s not the truth.

I’ve managed to avoid talking to him for the past two weeks.  Anything we’ve needed to discuss has gone through Sadie, and even though she’s not happy with my indecision about the whole Justin thing, she didn’t push it and she let me hide.  I had a couple of appearances in New York on Good Morning America and some radio stations.  It was a fun little trip, but now I’m back in LA and I’ve spent the last five days holed up in the studio letting my creative juices flow. 

I did a pretty good job at not thinking about Justin or my feelings, but with his impending arrival only minutes away, I haven’t been able to get him out of my head.  I still don’t know what I feel, but I know that the majority of these butterflies are from excitement as well as apprehension.

Speak of the devil, or in this case, think of him.  Justin comes strutting through the door, shaking hands with everyone in the room, saving me for last.  I come out of the sound booth slowly, unsure of what to do, but he simply grins at me and waves in my direction.

“Hey Jude.”

“Hey boss man.”  I’m trying to sound casual, but I’m not sure it’s happening.  Luckily, he doesn’t watch me too long before he’s sitting back in one of rolling chairs and asking to hear what we’ve done.

“This is the latest song we’ve been working on,” Bruce, the producer, cues up the music and we sit and listen, bobbing our heads along while the song plays.  Everyone is watching Justin intently, waiting to see what his reaction is.  He stays neutral until the song is over, taking a moment to think before he speaks.

“It’s a little funky for you, Jude, but I like it.”  He doesn’t seem too excited though, but I can’t really dwell on it because the next song has started to play.  “Oh, I like this one.”

“Yeah, me too.”  I pipe up, not sure why I’m feeling so shy all of a sudden.  It’s as if I’ve regressed to the first time Justin and I ever met.

“Not bad, guys, this is some great material.  I think we can definitely make something of this stuff.”  He grins at me and I blush profusely. 

When did I turn into a twelve-year-old girl?

I sit back and fade into the couch as the men in the room talk about music and ideas.  Bruce plays Justin a couple of hooks that he was thinking about and Justin offers his input, tweaking things and layering sounds to make things a little less funk and a little more me.  I’m actually really relieved that he’s here because Justin knows me better than anyone when it comes to being in the studio and I know that he would want me to stay true to my sound.

“What do you think, Abbey?”  Bruce’s voice breaks me from my thoughts.

“Huh?” I feel a little like an idiot with all these eyes watching me.  Especially the deep blue pair to my right.

“I asked what you think about this hook.”  He laughs a little, “I think we’ve lost her, boys.  She has been stuck in this studio all day long, I’m not surprised that she’s checked out.”

“I have no checked out!” I defend, “I just get lost when you all start talking technical.  I’m just the singer, here, you guys do the hard stuff.”  My comment earns some chuckles and I relax a tiny bit.

“Well, I think it’s time to call it a day, anyway.”  Justin pipes up and I can feel my heart rate accelerate as he makes his next statement.  “I need to speak with Abbey privately.”

I watch as the group stands up and exchanges goodbyes, staying aware long enough to contribute my own words to everyone before they all exit the room.  Now it’s just me and Justin and I think I might pass out.

“How have you been?”  He leans his butt against the counter behind him, facing me with his arms crossed casually across his chest.  He looks good, a little tired, but still amazing.  I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed looking at him over the past couple of weeks.

“Good.  The appearances in New York were awesome and they went really well.”  He nods, already aware of that information but I’m not sure what to say.  I watch him for a little while longer before the desire to touch him gets too overwhelming and I move before I can over think what I’m about to do.  It’s time to say ‘fuck it’ and follow my heart.

“Listen, Jude, I’m sorry-” I stand up, cutting him off as I cross the room and place my hands on his face, cupping his cheeks.

“Shut up.”  He does as I tell him, licking his lips and watching me with wide eyes.

I close my eyes and will my brain to shut off as I lean in and place my mouth against his.  He tastes like mint and coffee.  His hands tentatively reach out and touch my hips, and when I touch my tongue to his bottom lip his grip tightens and I’m being pulled up against his lean frame.

The kiss is still slow, but things are heating up fast and all I can think is that I should have done this a long, long time ago.  He feels amazing underneath my fingers as I move my hands down over his shoulders and around his back.  I want to have him up against me; I want to feel those hands all over me like they were two weeks ago.  Justin seems to read my desires, and his hands slide down to land on my ass where he gives it a squeeze.  I giggle a little into his mouth, not wanting to break the contact but reeling from the tickle.

I don’t really notice that I’m being guided backwards until the backs of my knees hit the couch behind me and we fall, Justin using his arms to stop himself from landing on top of me.

“I’ve been wanting to do this for a long fucking time, Abbey Rhodes.”  His mouth blazes a hot trail up my neck and back to my lips.  He nibbles at my mouth, teasing me with his teeth and tongue.  I reach up to run my hands over his buzz cut, loving the feeling of his hair between my fingers.  Justin settles his weight in between my legs and I wrap myself around his torso, trying to get as much body contact as possible. 

There are no thoughts that we’re in the middle of a studio and anyone could walk in at any moment.  There aren’t even thoughts that this is my boss and I probably shouldn’t be doing this.  All my brain can think is ‘Yes! More!’ and all my body can think is that I wish we weren’t wearing as many clothes.  Later, when I get a moment to think about all of this, I blush with embarrassment at the dirty thoughts running through my head right now.

I feel Justin’s tongue travel down my neck and chest, moving around the collar of my button down shirt where he then starts to kiss the swell of my breasts.  I fight for air, reacting to the sensations coursing through my body.

“Fuck, Abbey.”  He pants, and I can feel his obvious arousal through his jeans.  It’s a little sick that I’m getting so turned on by his being turned on.  “We need to stop.”

I freeze, afraid that I did something wrong.  He chuckles, taking a moment to give me another lingering kiss before sitting up slightly so he can explain.

“It’s not that I don’t want to do this,” his eyes wander down my body, “I do.  But I’ve waited too damn long for this and I don’t want our first time together to be in a random studio room where anyone could walk in at any moment.”  He trails a finger over my collar bone, down toward the slope of my chest.  “No, I want to be able to seduce you the right way so there’s absolutely no doubt in your mind how I feel about you.”

I’m not sure we’ll even make it to the sex part because I could probably orgasm off of that look he’s giving me right now.  I let out a laugh, fanning myself with my hand as I try to regain some composure.

“You’re not afraid that if we stop now I’m going to over think everything and run away from you?”

He grins and entirely cocky grin and I flush a little bit more.  “No, I’m pretty sure I’ve gotten you wound tight enough that you won’t be able to walk away.  You’re too curious now.”

Well, I can’t say that he’s wrong.  “Then let’s get out of here.”

He grins, and I didn’t think it was possible, but I’m even more turned on now.

I feel like its judgment day or something.  I can’t help but fidget in my seat as I make my way toward the recording studio and Abbey. 

I haven’t talked to her since that night at the hotel party.  I couldn’t bring myself to call, so I just dealt with Sadie to make sure business was running smoothly.  Sadie didn’t mention anything either, other than Abbey being healthy and focused, so I have no idea where things stand between us.

I’ve been back in the States for a couple of days now.  I took two days off when I got home so I could catch up on some sleep and adjust back to this time zone.  It was so nice to be in my own bed with my dogs and all my stuff around me.  I had a blast over seas and all of the shows went really well, but it’s nice to be home.  I’m excited to have nothing serious on my docket for the next couple of months, aside from helping Abbey in the studio.  It’ll be a nice break.

I park my car in the studio lot and take a second to calm myself down.  I’m afraid that she’s going to be really upset with me.  I figure that I should probably apologize for everything that happened, even though I’m not sorry about it.  I just don’t want her to be mad at me.

The studio is filled with men, Abbey being the only girl.  I grasp hands with Bruce and some of the others in the room.  I’ve known these guys for a couple of years and I really appreciate their work style, which is why I wanted to have them work with Abbey.  Speaking of, she’s coming out of the booth and I should probably close my mouth before I start to drool.  That girl is a sight for sore eyes, I tell ya.  She looks good in a pair of William Rast jeans (yeah, I’m a genius) and a white button down shirt.  I like it when she stays casual.

“Hey Jude.”

“Hey boss man.”  She looks a little petrified to see me but she’s hiding it well.  I move my eyes away and speak to Bruce so I don’t keep staring at her and make her really uncomfortable.

“This is the latest song we’ve been working on,” He starts to play a track and I listen carefully.  It’s a little far from Abbey’s usual acoustic stuff, but it’s not too bad.  I’m not sure what direction this album will be headed, though, and I don’t want to stray really far from Abbey’s usual style.  It could compromise her fan base.

“It’s a little funky for you, Jude, but I like it.”  She looks slightly disappointed at my reaction, but I can’t say much else because Bruce has started the next song.  This one’s a little more rock and roll and I really think it fits her.  Her voice sounds incredible and I can hear a little bit of her guitar style.  “Oh, I like this one.”

“Yeah, me too.”  She’s acting shy and it reminds me of the first time we ever worked together in the studio.  I almost want to laugh because I know that my Abbey is not shy at all, but I can understand that there’s a definite tension between us.

“Not bad, guys, this is some great material.  I think we can definitely make something of this stuff.”  I grin at her, the urge to laugh growing as her cheeks flush pink.  I cannot believe she’s this unnerved by me.  I hope that she’s unnerved in a good way, though, because it would really suck if she were pissed at me. 

Bruce starts to play me a couple of hooks that he’s thinking about using with Abbey, and I sit back and listen intently, trying not to think about Abbey being so close.  I know that I can often get sidetracked with things, especially when I’d rather have my thoughts focused on the girl a few feet away from me, but I take her music as seriously as I take my own and I would hate to steer her wrong in anyway.  I take a glace over at her, wanting to see her reaction to the music but she’s lost in space.

“What do you think, Abbey?”  Bruce’s voice startles her and she looks up at as, confused.

“Huh?” Her cheeks pink again as all eyes turn to her.

“I asked what you think about this hook.”  He laughs a little, “I think we’ve lost her, boys.  She has been stuck in this studio all day long; I’m not surprised that she’s checked out.”

“I have no checked out!” She defends, “I just get lost when you all start talking technical.  I’m just the singer, here, you guys do the hard stuff.”  The men in the room all laugh and she visibly relaxes into the couch she’s on.  I hate to make her tense up again, but I know that we need to take care of some stuff before things go any further.

“Well, I think it’s time to call it a day, anyway.”  I start, getting up so I can shake hands and bid goodbye to everyone.  “I need to speak with Abbey privately.”  She looks scared.

I make my way around the room, saying a few things to people about meeting up soon.  After a minute or two, it’s just me and Abbey in the studio.  The tension in this room can be cut with a knife.

“How have you been?”  I decide to start off easy.  I cross my arms over my chest and lean back against the counter, watching her carefully.  She is so beautiful.  I could honestly stare at her all day, as creepy as that sounds.

“Good.  The appearances in New York were awesome and they went really well.”  She twists her hands as she speaks, uncomfortable.  I nod slightly, knowing that I need to apologize and hoping that things can get back to normal with us.  I miss her, a lot.

“Listen, Jude, I’m sorry-” She stands up, moving across the room and heading straight towards me.  My words get cut off when she places her hands on my face, cupping my cheeks and looking up at me with a determined look.  I stare at her with wide eyes, licking my lips and trying very hard not to lean in and kiss her.  This is her show here.

“Shut up.”  I close my mouth and do as she says.  Hey eyes flutter closed and she moves toward me, gently touching her lips to mine.  That’s about all it takes, and I have to touch her.

I gently grab her hips, loving the small strip of skin I can feel between her pants and her shirt.  When I feel her tongue trace my bottom lip, I let out a groan and bring her in closer, flush up against my body.  This is heaven and torture at the same time.  I can’t believe that she initiated this kiss and I am completely enjoying it, but I’m also trying very had to restrain myself.  I just might rip her clothes off of her body and I know that this isn’t the place to do that.

I try and keep things slow, but she’s pushing herself into me and I can’t help it when my hands travel over her hips and down to her ass.  I love her ass.  I grab it a little, eliciting a giggle from her lips and I start to move her backwards, toward the couch.  I need a little more contact than this.  Her knees buckle as we reach the couch and I watch as she lays down, looking up at me with this little grin.  I settle myself over her, lying in between her legs and I start to kiss her neck, wanting to taste her skin.

“I’ve been wanting to do this for a long fucking time, Abbey Rhodes.”  I nibble at her mouth, loving the reaction I’m getting.  Her legs wrap around my torso and I know that she can feel my arousal through my jeans but I don’t really care.  I take a second to move my mouth downward, using my tongue to blaze a trail of kiss down her chest and into the dip of her shirt.  The soft mounds of her breasts are visible in the opening and I pay them some attention before moving back up to her and giving her a hard, long kiss.

She’s responding to my touch just as I’d always dreamed she would, and it’s all I can do not to rip off her clothing right here.  She’s letting out these little whispers of breath and these small sounds and I am so hard at this point it might be difficult to walk.  Through the haze of sex on my brain I do manage to remember that this is not where I imagined seducing Abbey for the first time (although, I have had plenty of dirty thoughts about being in the studio) and I push myself off of her slightly so I can catch my breath.

“Fuck, Abbey. We need to stop.”

She looks a little scared and disappointed at that, so I quickly explain so I don’t give her the wrong idea.

“It’s not that I don’t want to do this,” I take a minute to admire the body underneath me and I get some satisfaction when she blushes, “I do.  But I’ve waited too damn long for this and I don’t want our first time together to be in a random studio room where anyone could walk in at any moment.”  I trail my fingers over the soft skin of her collar bone and down to the swell of her breasts again.  I really want to see her naked.  “No, I want to be able to seduce you the right way so there’s absolutely no doubt in your mind how I feel about you.”

She gives me a look that I can’t quite read, but she quickly smirks at me, running her hands up and over my head, digging into what little hair I have.

“You’re not afraid that if we stop now I’m going to over think everything and run away from you?”

I grin at that, slightly unsure, but I’m certainly not going to let her know that.  “No, I’m pretty sure I’ve gotten you wound tight enough that you won’t be able to walk away.  You’re too curious now.”

There’s a pause and I’m afraid I’ve made a mistake, but her answer is enough to get me jumping up off the couch and practically dragging her out the door.  “Then let’s get out of here.”

“Want to come back to my place?  I’ll make you dinner.”  I throw in dinner because I don’t want Abbey to think I’m just trying to get her into bed.  That’s the ultimate goal, but I think I could hold off a little while longer.

“Sure.”  She hesitates so I grab her gently before she steps out the door and plant a soft kiss on her.  She smiles and I wonder how I ever held my feelings at bay for such a long time.

We exit the studio, going to our respective vehicles and I throw her a wink before getting into my car and heading toward my house.  I’m a little nervous that she’s going to get herself psyched out on the ride to my place and she’ll back out on me.  I’m not completely sure how she feels about me, but I’m hoping that my instincts are right.  If she didn’t have some sort of feelings for me she probably would’ve slapped me the first time I kissed her, and I know she wouldn’t have made out with me on the couch at the studio.

God, that was such a good make out session.

Sometimes, kissing is better than anything else.  Obviously I like sex, what red blooded male doesn’t? But sometimes I just like to kiss and touch and let every sense get heightened without actually having sex.  It keeps things interesting and hot, and it certainly keeps the girl wanting more. 

I hope to any higher power that this is not one of those times…but it’s nice nonetheless.

It doesn’t take long for us to get to my place.  I have the pick of studios and I like to keep close to home when I’m recording.  It’s a nice perk.

I’m pretty nervous at the moment.  Usually I have a plan and a method of getting what I want, but with Abbey it’s all different and I have no idea what I’m going to do.  I know that I want to touch her as much as possible, but I think it sounds a little sleazy to bring her back to my place and just throw her right on into bed.  Plus, I did offer to get her dinner.  Maybe this situation calls for a slightly different tactic.  Maybe I should do the opposite of what she expects and make her come to me.

I’m probably risking an amazing night of sex by leaving things in her hands, but if it doesn’t happen tonight I know it’ll happen soon.  I can’t wait much longer.

I enter in the security code to the gate in my driveway and pull up to the garage, watching Abbey follow in the rear view mirror.  I climb out of the car, waiting for her to do the same, before I walk in her direction and pull her into my arms.  I need to make sure she’s still with me.

I plant a long, linger kiss on her mouth.  When I pull back she’s got a silly grin on her face.  “What was that for?”  She licks her lips and I have to kiss her one more time.

“For those doubts in your mind.  I know that you were doing some heavy thinking on the way over, I just wanted to reassure you that I haven’t changed my mind about how I feel.”  She laughs at this and I can’t help but smile back.

I grab her hand, leading her into the house and then the kitchen.  I know I probably have something in my freezer or fridge that I can cook up for us.  I just hope there’s more than frozen pizza and beer.  Luckily, I find some steaks and potato salad that Rachel must have put in there.  I hope she wasn’t saving it, because I’m going to cook it tonight.

“Steak ok?”  I know she’s not a vegetarian, but I want to make sure before I cook anything.

“Sounds good.  Do you have any beer?”  I throw her a look that tells her not to be silly.  This is my house, of course I have beer.  I show her the selection in the fridge and she grabs one, popping the top and taking a long swig.  I like it when girls aren’t afraid to drink a cold one.

We venture out onto my deck so I can fire up the grill and start cooking.  Abbey gets comfortable on a lounge chair and I admire how beautiful she looks in the setting sun.  I am turning into such a sap.  It’s great.

The cooking doesn’t take long, and I set up all the food on the patio table.  I’m nervous, as if I’ve never been on a date before, but I get a little comfort from the fact that she looks nervous too.  If I think about it, this is a little weird.  I mean, I’m sitting on my deck having completely dirty thoughts about the girl I’ve seen as a quasi-little sister for the past year and a half.  I don’t see her like that anymore.

“Thanks for making me dinner.”  She shyly compliments me from across the table and it’s taking all that I have in me to restrain myself.  I don’t know why I decided to let her come to me, but I’m starting to rethink that decision.  I want this girl and in a bad way.

“You’re welcome.”  I take a long drink of my beer and try to slow down my eating.  I don’t want to give myself a stomach ache because I want to rush through dinner and head straight for dessert.  “Are you OK?”  I ask, scared by her shyness.

“Yeah, I’m OK.”  She smiles and I practically melt.  “I guess this just seems a little surreal to me.  I mean, you’re my boss man and I’m sitting at your house, eating dinner and wondering when you’re actually going to come over here and kiss me again.”

Well, well.  I didn’t know she could be so bold.  I raise my eyebrow at her, a smirk settled on my lips.

“Oh yeah?”  I take the last swig of my beer and push my chair back.  Fuck this, I’m gonna go get what I want.

I saunter over to Abbey’s chair, placing my hands on the arm rest so I can lean over her and not fall.  She closes her eyes and I take a second to admire her before gently placing my lips on hers.  I will get what I want, but I’m going to take my time doing it. 

It starts out slow, and I can taste traces of beer and salt on her lips, which is actually pretty sexy.  She gives in to me, running her hands up and over my shoulders so she can hold on.  I leave my hands planted on the arm rests, not wanting to rush this, but I don’t hesitate to nibble on her ear and trace my tongue down her neck.

She moans quietly, her grip on my shoulders tightening.  I know that I can’t hold out much longer, so I reach up to grab her hands and pull her out of the chair.  I want body contact.  She leans into me, pulling me close enough that I can feel her heartbeat in her chest.  Leaning back, finding the table with my hand as I sit down and pull her in between my legs.  I skim my hands down her side and slip them under her shirt, loving the warm skin that I find there.  Her lips leave my mouth and travel down my neck and when she starts to suck on my collar bone I let out a satisfied moan.

“Can we go inside?”  She asks between kisses and I have no objection to that idea.  Grabbing her just under the ass, I pick her up and she wraps her legs around my waist as I carry her inside.  I stumble a little as I make my way to the stairs, struggling to keep some composure as she starts to torture my ear with her teeth.

“Jesus, you’re gonna have to stop that if you want to make it to my bedroom.”  I grunt out.  She laughs, releasing her legs from my waist and sliding down my body.  Sweet Jesus that feels good.  I let her take the lead when she grabs my hands and leads me up the staircase.  She’s been in my house before so she knows where my room is, but I catch myself thinking that I never thought she would be guiding me there so we could get it on.  I won’t complain, though, not at all.

As soon as we reach the room all bets are off.  I can’t take much more of this teasing thing and I really, really want to see her naked.

I bring her to me, making short work of the button down she’s got on.  I think I may have ripped a button off in my haste, but I don’t care.  She’s got her hands at the button of my jeans and I can feel her fingers brushing the skin of my lower stomach.

“Take these off.”  She growls.  This is a side of Abbey Rhodes that I never imagined I would see.  It’s turning me on, though, and I do as she asks, sliding the denim to the floor before doing the same to her.  Good god, I haven’t even gotten her completely naked yet and I’m already close to the edge.

She has on these simple black panties and a matching bra, but I don’t stop and stare too long before I’m moving us back toward the bed and working at getting the clasp of her bra undone at the same time.  She slides her hands into my boxers and I hiss as her warm fingers wrap around the length of me.  Once we reach the bed, she lets go and hops up, sliding toward the headboard and giving me an entirely seductive look.

“You are fucking gorgeous.”  I enjoy the blush that comes to her cheeks.  I crawl up the bed, making my way to settle over her body.  Before I lie down completely, I shed my boxers and rid her of her panties.  I catch my breath, admiring the long, lean body beneath me as I settle over her. 

She feels so good.  Her skin is soft and warm and her hands have started to get acquainted with my body.  I know that I can’t hold out much longer, but I still want to try and take this slow.  Our hips our touching and I’m dangerously close to being inside her.  I can tell she wants me to hurry up because she’s rubbing her hips into me.  I chuckle a little at the frustrated sigh that comes out of her mouth.

“Patience, Jude.” I take a minute to let my lips travel down her body.  She squirms beneath me and I focus on my task so I don’t steer off course.  When I reach my destination, I take a second to suck on the inside of her thigh before moving over an inch or so and letting my tongue taste her.

“Oh my,” Her body writhes as I get her worked up.  “Justin, get up here.”  She pulls on my shoulders and I take one last taste of her before giving in to her request.  She kisses me, long and hard, and I’m momentarily distracted so I don’t notice that she’s moved us until I feel the length of me slide into her warmth.

“Fuck,” I breathe out.  We stay still for a moment and I can’t believe that I’d ever waited as long as I did.  She feels like heaven. 

Her hips move slowly and we both take a sharp breath at the sensation.  “Damn, you feel good.”  Her breath is hot against my ear and I grin.  I start to take control of our rhythm, keeping it slow and enjoying the tension I’m building in her.  I can feel her need to move faster but I refuse.  I want this to last a very long time.  I capture her lips in a searing kiss as her hands slide down my back and she grabs onto my ass.  She’s trying her best to get me to speed up and I can’t help but give in a little because the friction between us is too much for me to take.

From there, things start to get hot and sweaty pretty quickly.  I’ve got her wrapped tights, my face buried in the crook of her neck and her legs are tightly secured around my waist.

“Justin…I’m…”  She struggles to speak as I pick up our pace and move faster within her.  I can tell she’s close.  Hell, so am I.

“Me too, Jude.”  She arches her back and I plunge deeper inside her than I thought I could go.  It doesn’t take much more for her to tumble over the edge, and as I feel her tighten around me I fall with her. 

The orgasm is incredibly and I can feel myself convulsing quite a few moments later.  She’s breathing heavily, letting out these small little moans as she continues to come.  I slide in and out a couple more times before removing myself from her entirely and falling onto the bed beside her.

“Why didn’t we do that a long time ago?”  I ask as I place kisses on her sweaty brow.

“Fuck if I know, Boss man, but I think we should do it again.”  Her grin is evil and I like it.

I like it a lot.

Waking up this morning was extremely strange.  To start things off, I was naked in my boss’s bed.  Secondly, he was naked and we were spooning.  Third…

We were naked and spooning.

I am all for cuddling, especially after having sex as amazing as that was last night.  But…well…I woke up and was suddenly acutely aware of just how naked we were and I just can’t help but think that this is all a little strange.

Justin and I haven’t talked about what this is.  He hasn’t asked me about what I’m thinking or feeling, and I have no idea where he wants any of this to go.  I mean, he’s still sleeping so that might be a little tough at the moment, but I still wish I knew where we stood and what exactly last night meant. 

Am I thinking about all of this too much?

I can’t help but wonder how many other women have been in this exact spot in Justin’s bed thinking the same things that I’m thinking right now.  And I know that I shouldn’t let these things bother me.  It’s just a little hard because I’m awake and he’s sleeping and I have nothing better to do.  I refuse to do the walk of shame by collecting my clothes and leaving before he’s awake.  Plus, I’m pretty sure that he wouldn’t be very happy with me if I did that.

I like Justin.  I truly enjoy his company and he understands me better than a lot of my friends, mostly because we spend so much time together.  He makes me laugh and I trust him.  Those are huge things, especially for relationship…I just…I have no idea why I feel so conflicted about this.  Perhaps it’s because I jumped into bed with him without much thought, but I think it’s mostly because I’m still scared that he’s going to realize that whatever he thought he felt just isn’t there.

I’m having a little bit of a freak out.

My thoughts are broken by Justin’s hand sliding across the bed and over my stomach.

“Mornin’.”  His voice is muffled by the pillow and I squeak out a reply.  His fingers lightly scratch at my stomach as he stretches, flexing and un-flexing his hand.  “Did you sleep OK?  I slept like a rock.”

His grinning face looks up at me and I can’t help but return his smile.  He is quite adorable with bed head.  And I never thought I would think that.  It must be the sex, it’s fogging my brain.

“I slept all right.”  I fidget with my hands as Justin sits up and props himself against the headboard next to me.

“You look too deep in thought, it’s scaring me.”  He grabs my hands to stop me from picking at my nails.  It’s my bad habit.

“I guess I’m just wondering about where this leaves us.”  I know that I should just be enjoying the memories of the sex we had last night, but I can’t sit here and not know.

“It leaves us in my bed.”  He’s joking and I manage a small smile, but I think he can tell I’m not really in a joking mood.  “I have been fantasizing about being with you for more than a month now.  The sex was just a small part of that.  I don’t know how you feel, but I’m hoping that you still being here this morning is a good sign.”

“Oh, I was just hanging around because I hoped you’d make me breakfast before I look off.”  He pretends to look offended and I genuinely laugh this time.  I guess I should have listened to everyone else and not worried so much.  I don’t really think that Justin would sleep with me just for shits and giggles.

“How do you feel about all this, Jude?”  He throws an arm over my shoulder and I gladly snuggle into his warmth. 

“I think I’m in a little bit of shock, or something.  I never expected to find myself in your bed, to be honest.”  I smile up at him, but he looks to be waiting for me to say more.  “I obviously feel something for you, Boss man,” he cringes a little.

“Don’t call me that while we’re lying in my bed together.  It sounds all wrong.”  I chuckle a little.

“What should I call you then, while we’re lying in bed together?”

“Something rugged and manly.  Something that expresses the size of my--”

“Ego?”  I cut him off mid-sentence and he glances down at me, a strange look on his face.

“Not what I was going to say, Jude.  Not even close.”  He places a kiss on my forehead and pulls me closer to him.  “Maybe you can just stick to calling me Justin.”

I start to answer him, but there’s a series of loud knocks on the door before it busts open and Rachel starts to walk in.  I panic, pulling at the sheets and trying to cover myself.  Justin pulls his blanket up over me and angrily questions his cousin.

“Yo, Rach, ever heard of privacy?  Just because you knocked doesn’t mean you can just barge in.”

“I know, I’m sorry.”  Her apology is halfhearted but I don’t really care about that.  I just care about her seeing me in Justin’s bed.  We will never hear the end of this.

Luckily, she’s got a folder up next to her face, covering her view of Justin’s bed.

“Normally I wouldn’t just barge in but Trace needs you to sign these right now.  They’re some papers for Rast and he’s taking off for the office in a minute.  Throw some boxers on and just sign so I can get out of here.”  She stands there, tapping her foot impatiently and Justin thinks for a second before climbing out of bed and grabbing his shorts from the floor.  I take a deep breath, hoping that she’ll leave without seeing me, but I don’t think I’m wishing hard enough.  “These are really cute shoes.”

She uses her toe to point at my heels and when Justin grabs the papers from her she looks over in my direction, “I really like your—Holy shit, Abbey?”

I look over at Justin for help, but he’s just standing there, scratching the back of his head and trying to avoid looking at either one of us.

“Hey Rach.”  It’s weak and lame, I know, but I have no idea what to say to her right now.  I clutch at the blankets a little tighter and hope that this moment is over soon.

“Are you naked?”  She looks at Justin who tries to hand her the papers but she doesn’t take them.  “You’re naked in Justin’s bed and judging by the state of this room I would easily bet my entire salary that you two slept together last night.”

Justin taps Rachel on the head with the freshly signed papers and pushes her toward the door.  “Time to go, Rach, the papers are signed and I’m sure that Trace is waiting.”  He doesn’t give her any more time to gawk at me, making sure to lock the door once he’s pushed her out into the hallway.  “Sorry.”

I’m still clutching the blanket over my chest, afraid that she’s going to come barging in again.  “Justin!”  I hiss.  I cannot believe that she just caught me in his bed.  Not that I was thinking that we would hide this…thing…between us, but I was hoping for a little more time before everyone else found out.  I just know that this news is going to spread like wild fire and I haven’t even had a chance to sort out how I fell about all of this.

“Relax, Jude, everything will be OK.”  He climbs back in to bed and attempts to pull the blankets from my hands, but I keep my fists tightly clenched around the material.  I’m still afraid that someone else is going to walk in on us.  “You know, you could put some clothes on and it would solve the issue of being naked.”

I stick my tongue out at him.  “You’re funny.”  I’m pouting, but I’m really embarrassed.

“C’mon, Jude, I want to take a shower and I would really like you to take one with me.”  He’s successful in yanking the blanket from my hands this time and I jump up, running to the bathroom as fast as I can.  “Hey!”  His voice stops me and I stand in the doorway of the bathroom, using the towel hanging on the back of the door to cover myself.

“What?”

“I didn’t see that tattoo last night.”  His grin is mischievous as he walks toward me.  “Turn around.”

Hesitantly, I turn, blushing as he tugs the towel off of my back so he can look at the ink on my skin.  It’s small, just the word “faith” tattooed on my right lower back, pretty much on my butt.  I put it there so I can easily cover it up with my pants, which I usually do.  His thumb brushes over it a couple of times before he turns me around and pins me up against the door frame.

“That’s hot.”  I don’t have time to respond because his lips are crushed up against mine and I can’t really think of much else at the moment.

~*~

It only took us about twenty minutes to shower, but by the time we got out I had three new texts from Sadie, a message from Trace, and Justin had quite a few texts from Marty.

“It looks like Rachel’s mouth is a hell of a lot bigger than I thought.”  I quip, not sure how I feel about the ‘you go girl’ text from my PA.  I mean, I guess it’s not a big deal that she knows, but I’ve never been a huge fan of people knowing my business.  You’re probably thinking that I picked the wrong profession, I know.

“Took her longer that I was expecting, though.”  Justin’s got an easy smile on his face and I can’t help but wonder how he can be so calm about it all.  In fact, I ask him just that.  “I don’t know, Jude, I guess I’m just used to having Rachel and Trace know everything about me, and I can’t worry about it too much or I’d constantly be going crazy.”  He pulls me against him as I finish putting my hair up into a messy bun.

“I guess.”  I close my eyes and lean my head against his shoulder.  It’s very comforting to be in his arms.

“Besides, they would’ve found out sooner or later.  At least this way we can get their ‘I-told-you-so’s out of the way now.”

“Good point.”  I turn in his arms and smack a kiss on his lips.  “Don’t get used to that, though, there probably won’t be a lot of time that I tell you you’re right.”  I laugh at the shocked look on his face.

“Woman.  You better run.”

I let out a squeal, darting out of the bedroom and down the stairs.  I can hear his footsteps behind me and I can’t stop the giggling that’s coming out of my mouth.  I turn left, heading into the kitchen where I stop short.  Justin crashes into the back of me, using his arms to stop us from falling over.

“Christ, Jude, why’d you stop like that?”  He looks up to see what’s got me stopping in my tracks and I can hear him swallow hard.  “Hi, Mom.”

Lynn is sitting at his kitchen counter, giving us both a look that’s hard to read.  She’s got the news paper in front of her and I wonder how long she’s been here.  I also wonder if Rachel’s gossip train has stopped at her station.

“Justin, Abbey.”  She gives us a small smile and I want to relax but I’m still afraid.  I slept with her son last night.  I did dirty things to him and I liked it.  In fact, I was thinking I might do more dirty things to him right there on that kitchen table she’s got her elbows resting on. 

That certainly won’t be happening any time soon, anymore.

“How long have you been here?”  Justin pushes me a little and we walking the rest of the way into the kitchen, grabbing a seat across from her at the table.

“Not too long, I hear the shower going so I figured I’d wait for you.”  She takes a sip of water and I feel like everything is happening in slow motion.  I just want her to spit it out, already.  I know she wants to comment.  I can see it on her face.  She’s got that look that mother’s get when they know something’s going on.

“Well it’s good to see you.”  He stands up a bit to give her a kiss on the cheek.  I stay silent.  I have no idea what to say.

“So I talked to Rachel, this morning,” she smiles at me and I squirm in my chair.  “She said that your over seas shows went really well.”  Her focus shifts back to Justin.

“Yeah, it was a lot of fun.”  He grabs an apple out of the fruit basket in front of him and takes a bite, chewing before speaking again.  “I’m really glad to be home though.  It’s nice to have some down time.”

“I’ll bet.”  She smiles at me again and I’m about ready to burst.

“I didn’t know it was going to happen!”  I let out in one puff of air.  Both she and Justin throw me strange looks and I can feel the redness moving up my neck and onto my cheeks.

“Jude,”  He warns.

“Didn’t know what was going to happen, Abbey?”  Lynn questions and I can’t tell if she’s playing dumb or she really doesn’t know.

“Uh…nothing, don’t mind me.”  I grab Justin’s apple and shove it in my mouth, hoping to keep myself from saying anything else.  Hey, at least the apple tastes better than the foot I just shoved in there.

“Justin, what’s got Abigail so flustered.”  She pins him down with a stare and he lets out a long sigh.

“We slept together last night, Mom.  I’ve been in love with her for months now and I kissed her the night the tour ended and last night I brought her back here and made love to her.”

I didn’t think it was possible for my face to get even redder, but I know I am.  I sink down in my chair as her gaze lands on me, and I have to cover my face when I see the knowing grin she sends my way.  And why the hell did Justin have to be so open about it?  Really, now, he could’ve just said we hooked up or something…but… ‘made love’???? 

“Is that right?”  Her eyebrow arches perfectly and I take another huge bite of apple.  “I think Abbey’s a little embarrassed by this.”

“Well, I don’t think she was planning on having her dirty laundry spread so quickly.”  She gives him a question gaze and he explains.  “Rachel came into my room this morning with some papers to sign and she caught Abbey in my bed…naked.”

“Oh, so everyone probably knows by now.”

“You mean she didn’t tell you?”  I’ve found my voice again, but my face is still hot.  “I thought for sure you knew.”

She leans back in her chair and I suddenly know where Justin gets his devilish grin from.

“Rachel did not tell me, but I had an idea when I saw my son chasing you down the stairs.  He’s got the ‘I just got laid for the first time in forever’ look on his face.”

“Gee, thanks Mom.”

I sit back in my chair, willing my face to lessen in color.  I can’t believe that this is happening.  If I’d known that everyone would know what’s going on in my sex life only a short while after it happened, I would’ve thought twice about getting into bed with Justin….

Ah hell, who am I kidding?  I still would’ve done it, I just would’ve locked his door first.

“You fucker,” the grin on Trace’s face is enough to let me know that he’s about to make a dirty comment, most likely about my sex life.  “I can’t believe you and our little Abra Kadabra shacked up.  This is monumental.”

“Uhm…thanks, I think.”  This is the part that I’m not looking forward to.  I’ve already had it out with Rachel about everything, and then there was the meeting with my Mom that still makes Abbey blush.  I just wish people would leave us alone.

“So, how was it?”  He’s got a glint in his eye, and normally I would have a similar sparkle and I’d be eager to spill details about the sex, but this time it’s different.  This time it’s Abbey.  I don’t think she would appreciate Trace knowing intimate details about her, and I’m not sure I want him to know, either.

“A gentleman never tells.”  I’m trying to be coy.

The snort he lets out tells me it’s not working.  “Right, since when have to been too shy to tell me your dirty secrets?  Dude, I know about almost every sexual encounter you’ve had.”

“But those girls weren’t Abbey.”  It’s a good reason, he just doesn’t seem to be buying it.

“Whatever.  I don’t see how this could be any different, but if you want to act all high and mighty about this one and not tell me, that’s your bag.  I just thought you knew by now that I’m not stupid enough to ever repeat what you tell me.”

He’s upset and he does have a good point, but I really can’t see Abbey being very happy with me if she ever does find out that I spilled our bedroom secrets to Trace.  Plus, I’m not quite sure how serious or permanent things are between us right now and I don’t want to do something that could potentially fuck it up.

“Sorry, dude.”  I hope he’ll get over it quickly. I really don’t want to hear him bitching about all of this anymore.

I know that ‘it’s about time,’ and I know that I should’ve said something to her a while ago.  I’ve heard it all, believe me.  Even my own mother said something about me taking so long with this one.  I’ve heard it all and I don’t really want to hear it again.  I don’t understand what the big deal is, or why people have to give me so much shit about it all, anyway.

“You can at least tell me how it happened, then.”  He takes a long pull from his bottle of water and I settle back into the leather seat, swiveling back and fourth.

“I kissed her at the end-of-tour party.”  I start and he gives me a nod, I know he saw that little encounter, but I figure starting from the beginning is a good place to go from.  “And she avoided me the entire time I was in Europe.  I couldn’t bring myself to face her, so I let her avoid me.  But then when I got back to the states I had to see her because I’m helping her with her new album, and that night in the studio she…well, she initiated some fucking hot make out session and we ended up back at my place.”

“So are you two a thing now?”  He asks, grabbing the glass paperweight off of my desk and throwing it in the air only to catch it again.  I glare at him and he puts the object down.  That was a gift from my little brother and I don’t want it broken.  Trace is a horrible catcher.

“I don’t know.”  My computer screen flashes at me and I answer Rachel’s IM.  She’s in the guest house and we’re communicating through instant messenger.  What a lazy ass.  “We haven’t really talked about it yet.  She’s been pretty embarrassed by the whole thing, though.”

“I heard about the encounter with your mom.”  He chuckles, grinning widely at me.  “I can’t believe she caught you guys.”

“Technically, Rachel caught us in bed, my mom just guessed correctly.”  I have to laugh a little at the memory of Abbey’s expression, “It was pretty funny, though, poor Jude looked like she wanted to crawl into a whole and die.”

“Well, maybe she was just reliving the sex you two had and regretting her decision.”  This time I throw the pen in my hand at his head.  I cannot believe he said that, asshole.  “I’m kidding, I’m kidding.  I’m sure you rocked her world.”  He’s still laughing a little and I’m questioning our friendship.

“Jackass.”  I’m pouting a little, “You’re supposed to be on my side with this one, remember?”

“I am on your side. I’m just giving you shit, too.  Face it, J, seeing you get all pissy is probably the highlight of my day.”  I look for something else to throw at him but can’t find anything so I kick him in the shin instead.  “Ouch!”

“Serves you right.”  Rachel’s IM flashes at me again and I glance at the print on the screen.  She’s reminding me that I’m needed in the studio in twenty minutes and then she asks if I need any condoms before I leave.  She’s a comedian, really.  “All right, fucker, I’m off.”

“Got a hot date?”  We stand, leaving my office and heading to the kitchen so I can grab a drink and something to munch on before I take off.

“Yeah, with Abbey and about four other guys.”

“Ew, Justin, that’s nasty.  I didn’t know you were into that kinky shit.”  Again, there’s a shit eating grin on his face and I wonder if he has any other looks or if this is the only one.

“You and Rachel should join a comedy troupe or something.  You’re both fucking hilarious.”  I pause for a second before adding, “Or maybe just a circus, you’re short enough to be the midget clown.”

I laugh as he flips me the bird.  I guess the expression on his face does change.

“I thought that when people get laid they’re supposed to be more relaxed, nicer.”  It’s his turn to pout a little and I let out another chuckle.

“I am relaxed, and I’m allowing you to live in my house and eat all my food for free.  I’d call that pretty damn nice, if you ask me.”  He shrugs at me, not willing to argue, I suppose.  “I’ve gotta go, I’ll see you later.”  We slap hands and I leave the kitchen and head to the garage.

I haven’t talked to Abbey since yesterday’s little incident with my Mom.  She seemed OK, if not a little embarrassed still.  I can’t really blame her, though.  It’s not often that your sex life is common knowledge less than twenty-four hours after it’s happened.  I’m still a little put off by it, but I’m trying not to let it show.  I know that everyone means well, and Trace and Rachel have always been aware of what’s going on in my love life. I can’t really keep them shut out now just because it’s Abbey.

I’m looking forward to the studio session today.  I want to see Abbey, obviously, but I’m excited by what I heard the other day.  Bruce is an awesome producer and I think he can really bring something new to the table.  I want to be a part of the process, but I also want to step back from it a little and leave the music to Abbey and some of the other producers.  I want this album to have a more mature sound.  I think Bruce can do that.

Plus, like I said, I really want to see Abbey.  I’ve become slightly addicted to having the girl around, and now that I’ve had a chance to see…more of her…I really just want to be around her.

This whole thing is still a little surreal for me.  I’ve been pining after Abbey and trying to ignore it for such a long time that I can’t really believe what’s happened.  I’m worried that she’s going to get cold feet, or whatever you want to call it, and shy away from me.  She seems unsure of this whole thing and I just hope that I can get her to open up.  Of course, there is still the chance that she doesn’t feel the same way as I do and whatever happened will be a one time thing.

God, I hope that that doesn’t happen.

The ride to the studio is short, and I feel a rush of nerves when I spot her tell-tale white Beetle in the parking lot.  I have no idea how she’s going to handle being in the studio with me after the other night.  Knowing Abbey, she’ll be as professional as ever and no one will be the wiser.  Is it wrong of me to hope that she’s the tiniest bit affectionate?  I’m not one for PDA, but I don’t think Bruce would tell anyone, and…well…I just want her close.

I’m such a girl.

The studio is the small, hole-in-the-wall place that Abbey and I recorded her first album in.  I like it because it’s close and relatively unknown.  It’s called “That Place” so just looking at it, a person wouldn’t know that it’s a studio.  It’s always worked for me.

Abbey’s in the booth when I get inside, and I enter mostly unnoticed. 

She’s going through the song we listened to the other day; the one I liked.  She sounds good, a little raw, but it really fits the song.  She’s focused on her guitar, so she doesn’t see me as I sit next to Bruce and settle in to listen.  I love being in the studio with artists, especially ones that are in a different vein of music than I am.  It’s such a creative environment when musical styles mix.  When I’m not working on my own project, being in the studio with someone else is my favorite place to be.

It doesn’t hurt that I’m spending this studio time with my new favorite person.

“Great job, Rhodes, come on out.”  Bruce calls Abbey out of the booth and she grins when she sees me.

“Hey Boss man.”  There’s a sparkle in her eyes as she says it and I can’t help but chuckle a little.

“Hey, Jude.  Great work in there.”  She grabs a seat next to me, tucking her legs underneath her as she sits.  I really want to lean over and kiss her, but I don’t think she would be very comfortable with everyone else in the room.

“Do you think that one’s going to be a keeper?”  She’s looking between me and Bruce when she asks.

“Well, I love it, but you might make twenty more songs that I love, too, so this one may not make it in the end.”  I hope she can accept that answer.  It’s too soon in the recording to decide what direction this album is headed in and this song is a great one, but it might not fit in later on.  Right now I’m just looking for her to test out some new producers and stir up some new ideas.

“Fair enough,” she smiles at me and the urge to kiss her is just as strong.  I’m tempted to kick everyone else out of the studio so I can give her the attention I’d like to, but that would be slightly unprofessional.  Plus, I’m paying these people to be here.

Bruce takes over, grabbing a guitar and going through some hooks with Abbey as she adds some lyrics and ideas of her own.  I sit back, letting them do their thing.  I’m really not needed here as far as producing goes.  I just want to be a part of the creative aspect, and I want to make sure that Abbey is comfortable.  So, for now, I’m just here to listen.

~*~

A couple of hours later leaves me and Abbey finally by ourselves.  Bruce and his crew left a few minutes ago and I’m barely restraining myself from jumping on the girl across from me.

“So…Boss man…”  She grins at me, leaning back in her chair.

“I thought I told you not to call me that?”

“You said not to call you that when we’re in bed together.”  She gives me another wide grin, “I though you boys liked stuff like that.  You know, the whole ‘who’s your daddy’ thing?”

My head falls back against the seat as I let out a loud laugh.  This girl will never cease to amaze me.

“You can call me Daddy if you want to, Jude.”  I’m teasing and she knows it, but she still wrinkles her nose at the idea.

“No thanks, that’s just a little strange.”  I watch her for a few seconds longer before I can’t help myself and I get up out of my chair and cross over to her.  I just have to kiss her.

Our lips met slowly, and I take my time working over her mouth, tasting her.  She tastes like the fruity gum she was chewing earlier.  It’s pretty hot.  I rest my hands on either side of her, trapping her into the chair.  She hooks her legs around my waist, pulling me close and I smile against her mouth as she nibbles on my lip.

“I was waiting for that.”  She breathes out as we separate a little.

“Sorry I made you wait…I’ll have to make it up to you.”  I smirk, leaning in for another kiss.  I could do this all day, really.

“As much as I would enjoy just sitting here like this,” she starts, rubbing her legs against mine, “I am absolutely starving.  You need to feed me.”

“Oh, I need to, do I?”

She looks up at me with these big doe eyes and nods, “Yeah, you do.  I don’t kiss for free, Boss man.”

“Good to know, Jude.”  I chuckle, stepping away from her and giving her my hand as she stands up from her seat.  “I was thinking of having a small cook out at my house, are you up for it?”

“How small is small?”

“The usual crowd.”  I shrug, “A couple of the dancers are in town for the weekend and I thought it would be cool for all of us to get together.  I promise it won’t get out of hand.”

“Good, I’m not up for huge crowds tonight; I’m starting to get a headache.  A cook out sounds nice, though.”  She wraps her arms around my waist as we leave the studio.  I hope she’s not pissed if more than a few people show up.  I didn’t invite a ton of people, but I know how these things go.  It’s a snowball effect, and if Trace learns about it, he’ll invite a bunch too.

I have a little bit of a bad feeling about this, but I’m going to swallow it and focus on how happy I am that Abbey’s with me.

I have nothing against cook outs.  In fact, I’m a big fan of them.  I enjoy the laid back atmosphere, I love steak, and it’s usually a great way to spend time with your friends.

Now, however, I’m wishing I were anywhere else but Justin’s back yard.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the dancers and the few friends of Justin’s that are here.  They’re great people.  But, because we’re in Justin’s house he’s not afraid of being affectionate with me and I can just feel the eyes of everyone at this party on me.

I’m getting these all knowing looks and I just wish they would get it over with already and call us out on it.

Sometimes I forget who Justin is.  We’ve become so close and he’s pretty much my best friend, I forget that he’s this huge, world famous singer and that dating him is a pretty big deal.  I’m not sure we can even call this…what we’re doing…dating, but I know that having his attention is a big deal.

I have no idea how I’m going to handle all of this.  It’s hard enough having his friends and family watching me, scrutinizing me.  I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like if I get all of America up in arms because I’m boning their golden boy.

And I sound really unhappy and bitter.  I swear I’m not.

“How’s your head feeling, Jude?”  Justin’s arms snake around my waist and he rests his chin on my shoulder, placing a few chaste kisses on my neck.

“It’s OK.  I feel better now that I’ve eaten something.”  I lean against him, comfortable in his embrace.  If only I could get comfortable with the knowing glances being thrown our way.  “Does it ever get old?”

“What’s that?”  He laces his fingers through mine.

“Being watched all the time.  Even here, in your own house, you’re being watched.”

He shrugs, “They’re all just wondering how I managed to snag such a pretty girl.”  A smile tugs at my mouth as he places a sound kiss on my cheek.  “Come on, Jude, stop dwelling and start mingling.  It’s not like these people are all strangers.”

“I know.” It’s my turn to shrug.  “I guess I’m just not sure how to feel about all this.  I’m not used to being attached to you.”

I shiver a little when I feel his breath hot on my ear, “Trust me, Jude, I can arrange for us to be attached a lot more often if that’s what you need.”

I land a light punch on his shoulder, laughing. “You’re so perverted.”  He grabs my hand, pulling me away from my quite corner and toward the crowd.  I suppose I am over thinking all of this.  I should really just enjoy this night and stop worrying about what everyone else is thinking.

“That’s rugged sex appeal, Jude, get it straight.”

I laugh a little harder at this.  “Sure thing, Boss man, whatever you need to believe.”

~*~

“You’ve got a couple of radio appearances this Thursday, and a photo shoot for Cosmo on Friday.”  Sadie slides a set of papers in front of me so I can check out my schedule.  “You’re also slated to be thinking about the video for your newest single.”

“Do I have studio time still?”

“Not for a couple of weeks.  The label wants you to release at least one more single off of this album before you get into full recording mode.  They think there’s a lot more money to suck out of this one.”

“Your terms or theirs?”  I smirk at her.

“They were a little more eloquent about it, darling, but you get the idea.”  She sits back, leaning against the arm of my couch.

We’re currently sitting in my living room going over my schedule and some paper work.  Since the tour there’s been a lot of positive buzz about my album and the sales have been steady.  It’s pretty cool, actually, and I’m excited about getting out there a little more to promote my music.  I was out driving to the studio the other day and I caught my song on the radio.  I damn near drove off the road I was so excited.  My music has been out for a while now, but I’ve never actually caught my single on the radio before.  I’ll admit it, I did a little dance.

“So…Miss Rhodes…” My assistant is giving me a look from across the coffee table and I know that she’s not about to mention my schedule.

“Go ahead, ask and get it over with.”  I crunch on a piece of ice from my glass and contemplate getting up to refill my drink.  That might just take more energy than I care to expend.

“You and Justin, huh?”  I can’t help the grin that comes across my face.

“Yeah. It kinda came out of left field, though.”  I chew on another piece of ice and silently wish my glass would refill.

“Left field?”  She shrieks a little, “Abbey, my friend, I love you but you are so blind sometimes.”

I frown a little, “Was it really that obvious?”

“Honey, I’d barely been in the room with you two for five minutes and I could feel the heat.”

Hmph.  I feel a little oblivious.  “I don’t know what everyone else was seeing.  I mean, obviously things between us have progressed, but this is a new development for me.”

“It doesn’t matter when you started to have feelings, Abs, it just matters that you do.”  She gets up from her spot on the couch and snatches the empty glass from my hands.  She must have been tired of my longing looks and sighs.  I’m such a lazy ass sometimes.

“Is it really as big of a deal as everyone is trying to make it out to be?”

“Yeah, Abbey, it is.”  She settles back into her seat after handing me my sweet tea.  “It’s a big deal because it’s you and Justin.  People are just excited that he finally grew some balls and acted on his feelings.”  I cock an eyebrow at her, “From what I hear, anyway.”

“I’m just not used to all the attention.”  I wrinkle my nose at the thought, “I’m not sure I want everyone up in my business, especially something as private as a relationship.”

“You picked the wrong profession and the wrong boyfriend, then, sweetheart.  You’re dating one of the world’s most sought after bachelors.  People are going to talk.”

I shrug, playing with the droplets of water on my glass.  I suppose I can somewhat understand people’s fascination, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.  I mean, isn’t the saying ‘you can’t help who you fall in love with?’ I couldn’t help the fact that one of my best friends and the guy I’m crushing on is Justin Timberlake.  I just wish people would have their minute to gawk and speculate and then move on.

It’s not even like this has gotten out in the public, either.  I’m just talking about friends and family around us.  The cookout the other night was filled with long stares and suggestive questions and I just wish people would get over it already.

I’m a little naïve to think that this is the worst of it.  I know that it will most likely get worse before it gets better.

My name has been associated with Justin’s from the beginning.  He discovered me, he’s managing me, and he’s had his hands in all of my music.  I know that it’s not a huge deal to be connected to him and it’s only been beneficial so far.  I just have this sinking feeling that once words gets out that things between us are less than professional, people will start accusing me of using him, or worse, they’ll think that I’m only where I am because I’m sleeping with him.

“You’re looking a little serious over there, Abbey.”  Sadie’s voice pulls me from my thoughts and I shoot her a small smile.

“Yeah, can’t help it.”  I shrug, finishing off the last of the sweet tea in my glass.  This stuff is amazing.  Justin introduced me to it when we were in Tennessee for the tour and I’ve been hooked ever since.

“I’m going to tell you right now, Love, that you can’t let what other people think get to you.  If you’re serious about being with Justin you’re going to have to learn to let all that other stuff go.  People will talk, and you’ll have to let them.  At least you always know the truth.”

I set my glass down on the coffee table with a light thud.  “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.  Let’s order Chinese food, grab some beer, and watch stupid movies.”

“It’s your day off, sunshine.”  She grins at me.  I don’t think Sadie calls me the same thing twice, really.  At least most of her names are endearing.

She starts calling in for Chinese food and I search the fridge for whatever alcoholic beverages I might have.  Sadie has been with me for a little while now and I have to say that she’s amazing.  She’s become one of my best friends and she can keep a schedule like no body’s business.  She’s so much better than Trish ever was, and I truly enjoy having her around.  She’s a great sounding board and she can stay pretty objective; I appreciate that.  She’s also got a kick as shoe collection and we happen to be the same size.  Tell me that that’s not exciting.

A familiar song starts to play through my apartment and I snatch my phone off of the couch.  “What’s up, Boss man?”  The butterflies flutter in my stomach at the sound of his voice and I feel like a teenager again.

“Hey Jude, what are you doing?”

“Just hanging out with Sadie, we’re ordering Chinese.”

“Sound like fun, mind if I crash?”  The flutter in my stomach intensifies at the thought of seeing him.  I glance at Sadie and am about to ask if she’s OK with it when there’s a knock at the door.

“Hold on, Jus, there’s someone at the door.”  My jaw drops a little when I see Justin standing on the other side, a grin on his mouth.  “What the hell are you doing here?”

“I told you I was crashing.”  He leans in to give me a quick kiss and it takes me a second to collect myself and close the door.

“Hey, Justin.”  Sadie greets him.  I watch as she starts to collect her stuff and I get really confused for a minute.

“Where are you going?  I thought we were ordering Chinese?”

“I did order Chinese, but you and Justin will be eating it, not me.  Your lover boy texted me a little while ago to ask if he could steal you for the night and I told him about your want for Chinese.  So, he gave me his order, I placed it, and now I’m leaving so you two can have some alone time.”

I watch, slightly dumb founded, as she gives us a wave and exits my apartment.  Have I mentioned that I love my assistant?  Really, I love her.

“You planned all this?”  I turn to Justin who still has that sly grin on his face.

“Kinda.  I texted Sadie to see if you were busy and she told me about your plans.  She suggested that I crash.”  He slowly makes his way over to me, gently grabbing my hips and pulling me into him.  “I’ve missed you.”

“You saw me two days ago.”  I can’t help the smile that grows on my lips as he runs his hands up and down my back.

“Two days too long, Jude.”

I don’t have time to respond because his mouth is on mine and I feel my feet leave the floor as he picks me up, carrying me over to the couch.  I lean my head against the arm rest as Justin settles between my legs.  He takes his time kissing me, gently nipping at my lips.  I slide my hands under his shirt, reveling in the feel of his warm skin underneath my fingers.

I’m sure that most people are aware of it, but I’ll say it just in case.  Justin Timberlake has an incredible body.  He spends a lot of time in the gym and it pays off.  Really, I could spend my entire day touching him, especially his abs.  Those are my favorite.

My attention is taken off his body and back to his mouth as he moves from my lips to my neck, sucking lightly on the skin.  His hands have made their way to my shirt and he’s in the process of pulling it off.  Once the fabric is over my head, Justin’s mouth moves to my chest.  He kisses at my skin and I lean back, closing my eyes against the sensation.  A moment later, though, he stops.  I open my eyes to see him staring at me with a strange look.

“What?”  I’m starting to wonder if I smell or something.

“Peaches.”

“What?” 

“Peach colored.”  He snaps at the strap of my bra and I glance down to see that he’s referring to the color of my unmentionables.  I watch as he tugs at my pants, finding that my underwear match my bra and he looks up at me with a grin and wide eyes.  “These are the underwear you were wearing at the photo shoot.”

I can’t believe he remembers that.  “Yeah.” I’m really not sure what he’s getting at.  “I told you they were mine.”

“I thought you were just messing with me.”  He claims my mouth in a kiss.  “I really like these panties, Jude.  They’re hot.”

“You remember me wearing these at the photo shoot?”  I know that I should let this go and just focus on the man on top of me, but I’m curious.

“I thought about that photo shoot for days.”  He pulls at the button on my jeans until they’re undone.  “Although, right now all I can think about is seeing them off of you.”

Now I have no trouble focusing on what he’s doing.  I grab at his shirt, wanting to feel his skin on mine.  I make quick work of the piece of fabric, letting out a sharp breath when I feel the heat of him settle over me.  He reaches behind me to unsnap my bra, taking it off quickly. I shiver when his mouth connects with the soft skin and I writhe underneath him.

“Jude,” he breathes out, “go to the bedroom.”

I can’t really comprehend what he’s telling me and before I can process his words he’s picked me up from the couch and carried me into my bedroom.  I expect him to follow, but he disappears for a couple of minutes before returning and jumping on the bed.

“Food was here.”  He answers my questioning look and then settles back on top of me, resuming our activities.

I struggle with the button on his jeans, pushing at the denim as soon as I have them unsnapped.  Justin’s already rid me of everything but my panties and I want him just as naked, if not more.  His mouth is sliding across my stomach, leaving a trail of kisses in his wake.  I run my hands over his back, enjoying the feel of the muscles in his shoulders.

“Jude,” his breath his hot in my ear. “I want you.”

I don’t answer.  Instead, I slide his boxers down his legs, centering myself beneath him before I use my hands to adjust him.  I revel in the hard feel of him, watching his eyes close in pleasure as I bring him to me and slowly connect our bodies.  We both let out small gasps of air, taking a minute to adjust to the pleasure.

“Oh God,” I breathe.  This feels incredible and we’ve barely even started yet.

Slowly, Justin starts to move his hips, taking his time.  I wrap my arms around his shoulders, bringing him close so I can kiss him.  My legs snake around his back, pulling him even deeper into me.  Sometimes I wonder why we don’t spend every waking moment in bed, like this, because this is so incredible my toes are curling.

Justin grabs my leg, bringing it up and over his hip as he sinks further in before pulling out only to repeat the process again.  I can hardly catch my breath it feels so good.

“Oh God.”

Justin smirks at me, “You said that already, Jude.”  He captures my mouth in a searing kiss, picking up the pace a little as I arch my back into him.

It’s slow and sensual.  I can feel the tension building in my stomach.  Justin lowers his head to my neck, our bodies touching completely. 

I hear him mutter a “fuck” in my ear as the pace quickens a little more and I can’t help the movement of my hips as I chase the pleasure.  He stills above me some, pushing deeper and further than he’d gone before as I continue to writhe underneath him.  It doesn’t take much longer for me to reach my peak, calling out his name as I feel him move above me, his own end moments away.

He collapses on top me, our chests heaving as we struggle to catch our breath.  I feel him place chaste kisses against my collar bone.  I can hardly think straight with the waves of release still moving through my body.  After a minute, Justin rolls over and lies next to me.

“Jude,” He calls, reaching over to pull me into his arms.

“Hmmm?”  I don’t think I could walk if I’d wanted to right now.

“I’m hungry.”  He grins down at me when I give him a look.  I can’t help but smile, though.  I don’t think much could get me mad at this point.  I’m am very much a satisfied woman.

“You’re so romantic.” 

“I do what I can, Jude, I do what I can.”

“And I will take you in my arms and hold you right where you belong…”

A very familiar melody floats through my house and my brow knits in confusion.  I have no idea why I would be hearing that song in my house right now. 

I make my way back to the entertainment room and cringe a little at the nineteen-year-old version of my face staring back at me from the big screen.

“What are you doing?”  Abbey’s head pops up from the couch and she grins at me.

“Watching the HBO special of No Strings Attached.”

“I didn’t even know I had this tape in the house. I thought all that shit was at my mother’s.”  I plop down next to her, still unable to look at my face on the screen.  What was I thinking with the whole bandana thing?  Really.

“You didn’t, it’s my copy.”  I stare at her, a slightly bemused look on my face.

“You have a copy of this? And you brought it over to my house? To watch?”  I am just a little scared at the moment.

“I was feeling nostalgic, and you wanted me to meet you here so I brought it with me. Nice bedazzled bandanas, by the way.”

“Thanks.”  I sink down further into the couch.  This is slightly embarrassing. I mean, we did put on some kick ass shows, but I just wish we’d had better fashion sense.  And I will never say this out loud, but I was a huge dork.

“I was going to bust out some of the old MMC stuff, but I was more in the mood to stare at JC.”  She gives me a cheeky grin and I stick my tongue out at her.  This girl turns me into a bratty little kid again, I swear.

“You were a JC girl?”

“Actually, I was a Lance girl, but we all know how that turned out.”  I throw my head back with a laugh.

“Lance?  You mean you weren’t into me?”  I stick my lower lip out in a pout.

“You were a little too scrawny for me, sorry.”  She reaches over to squeeze my bicep.  “I’m just glad you bulked up and shaved your hair off.  You were a hot mess back then, Jus.”

I defend myself with a huff, “I was nineteen.  I’ll bet I can call up your mom and ask what you were like at nineteen and she’ll tell me that you were awkward and gangly.”

“Sure, but that’s just natural.  Acid washed jeans and rhinestone studded t-shirts, on the other hand, don’t happen in nature.”  I laugh again, knowing full well she’s got me on that one.

“Can we please turn this stuff off?  It’s embarrassing to watch myself like this, and it’s even more embarrassing to have my girlfriend watch this stuff.”  She grins at me again but grabs the remote and clicks off the TV.  That’s much better.

“I spent the majority of my teenage years watching this stuff, Boss man.  It’s not like I don’t know it all anyway.”  She leans over a bit and kisses me softly.

I mumble against her lips.  “That’s just weird.”

I deepen the kiss a little, pulling back after a moment to catch my breath.  I could kiss this girl forever and still not have enough of her.

“How were the radio shows today?”  She leans back against my chest and I straighten my legs out on the couch so we can get comfortable.  Taking a strand of her hair I twist it around my fingers.

“They were pretty good.  Everyone had great things to say about my album, which made me really happy.  The rest were the usual questions, how’s working with Justin? Who are you dating? You know, stuff like that.”

I turn my head slightly so she can see the smirk on my face, “So, who are you dating?”

“Eh, I told them that I was living the single life right now.  I mean, the guy I’m seeing is nothing to brag about.  In fact, I’m a little embarrassed by his past, especially the time he corn-rolled his hair. I don’t want word getting out that we’re actually together.”

I clutch my chest, letting out a gasp of air.  “Ouch, Jude.  Ouch.”

Even though it’s at my expense, I enjoy the laughter that spills out of her mouth.  Being around Abbey is intoxicating and I don’t think I could come up with a better way to spend my time, even if she’s just making fun of me.  Things between us have been awesome.  She’s so much fun to be around and she understands me better than a lot of other people do.  She especially understands my schedule and my crazy life.  I’m really happy that I actually made the move because I can only imagine how miserable I’d be without her now.

It’s official, I’m the worlds biggest sap.

When her laughter subsides she leans back against me, intertwining our fingers together. “Are you coming to my photo shoot tomorrow?”

“Yeah, I’ll be there.”  That’s a huge perk of being her manager.  I can spend a bunch of time with her in public and have a ready excuse for anyone questioning it.

We haven’t really talked much about it, but it’s almost an unspoken agreement that we’re not going to talk about our relationship just yet.  Things are still really new for us, and I’m sure that Abbey would have a tough time handling the media storm that would most definitely happen if word got out that we were together.  I’m a little worried about backlash, but there’s not much we can do about it except keep things as quiet as possible.

Again, it helps that I’m her manager.  I don’t have to hide her in public.  We’re still in the stage where things are new and exciting and we keep mostly to her apartment or my house, but when we do start venturing out in the public it won’t be out of the ordinary.

“Hey, Boss man.”  Abbey waves her hand in front of my face, “I lost you there for a second.  Where’d ya go?”

I shrug. “Just thinking.”  I give her a grin, “I’m hoping that there will be some more lacy panty outfits at the photo shoot tomorrow.”

I gain a smack on the arm for that.  What a violent woman! “Just kidding.”  I feign innocence.

“Yeah, right, and the Pope ain’t catholic.”  My girl is witty.  “So, why exactly did you want me to meet you here?”  She’s settled herself back on my chest and I’ve taken to twirling that strand of hair again.

“Rachel and Trace want to go out to dinner tonight.  I just wanted you here so we could hang out some before everyone else gets here.”

She starts to trace a pattern on the leg of my jeans, leaning her weight into me a little more.  I could stay like this forever, I swear.  She’s probably my favorite place to be, other than home.  And no, I don’t mean that in the perverted way, although, now that I think about it…

“Does it ever seem weird to you?” She asks.  Her fingers are pretty far up on my thigh and I squirm because it tickles.

“What seem weird?”

“You and me?”  Ahh, so we’re going to have this conversation.  I was wondering when it would happen.  I thought it would have been a lot sooner than this, actually.

“I suppose, it might seem a little strange to some, but not for me.”  I wrap my arm around her shoulder and slide us down the couch a little more so we’re mostly laying down.

“When did you realize that your feelings for me were more than platonic?”  She shifts, squeezing herself between me and the back of the couch so she can rest her head on my chest.  I might fall asleep if we lay here too long.

“After that huge blow up with John.  You know? The night we went out bowling and he hit me in the face?”

She chuckles a little, “Yeah, and you socked him in the eye.  So that’s what it takes to turn you on?”

“You know I like it rough.” It’s my turn to laugh.  “No, it was the fact that I hated seeing you so upset.  I just wanted to protect you from all that…and…I realized that my feelings stretched beyond just friendship.”  I rub my hands up and down her back.  I love touching her, even something as innocent as this.

“I had no idea.  I convinced myself that you would never go for a girl like me.”  This surprises me.

“What do you mean, ‘a girl like you?’” She shrugs against me.

“Justin, I am by no means like those girls I’ve seen you with.  I mean, look at Jill.  She was as high maintenance as they come.  She was such a Hollywood type, and that’s not me.”  She leans up and places a small peck on my chin.  “Plus, I figured since we didn’t fall in love the moment we met like I’d always dreamed about things between us were destined to stay platonic.”

“You’d dreamed about me falling in love with you?”  This is venturing into some strange territory.

“I told you I was a fan.  When I was twelve I’d been convinced that we were meant for each other.  You’re near sighted, I’m near sighted.  You’re a total dork, I’m the coolest chick on the planet…”

“Hey!”  I see the grin on her face and feel my own grow.  “I am not a total dork.  I can be cool.”

She pats my chest, “Sure, Boss man.  You can be cool.”

“Whoa, whoa, wait.  Let’s back up here and talk about you being obsessed with me when you were twelve.  And you think I’m the dork?  You own the No Strings Attached HBO video.”

She seems to ponder for a minute before coming back at me with a retort.  “I still think you’re bandanas and fro are way worse than any memorabilia I might own.  Clearly I was way cooler than you when we were younger.”

“Yeah, but you probably thought it was hot.”  I am seriously reconsidering having Abbey over today.  She’s really ragging on me here.  I’m just glad no one else is around to join in.  Bash on Justin Day is not my favorite day of the year.

“Eh, I was young and stupid.”  I shift a little and give her a look.  “I’m just teasing you, Boss man.  I promise I still think you’re a stud.”

“I think I liked you better when you were still slightly uncomfortable with all of this.  I don’t know how much I’m going to like getting beat up on everyday.  I don’t think my ego can take it.”

“At least you’ll be getting some great sex out of all this.”

Girl makes a good point.  “Very true, Jude.”  I glance at my watch.  “We’ve still got time before everyone gets here.  Want to make my ego feel better?”

She just rolls her eyes, settling further into my chest and pressing the button on the remote.  My face fills the screen and I cringe.  I guess this means we’re not having sex right now.

I set my fork down and settle back in my chair with a satisfied sigh.  I feel like I just ate my weight in sushi.  I really didn’t, because that would be gross, but I’m very full and it feels good.

Justin’s hand travels up my thigh, warmth spreading up my body at his touch.  We’re seated in the back of Teru Sushi, a little place that Sadie and I found one day while killing time between interviews the other day.  I love seafood.

 Justin leans toward me, half burying his face in my neck as he whispers something into my ear and then kisses the curve of my jaw.  I giggle a little.  His breath tickles.

“You two are disgusting.”  Rachel’s comment brings us back to the table.  She’s stabbing at her plate with her chopsticks and I can’t help but laugh at the look on her face.

“I thought you were the one pushing to get Justin and me together in the first place?”  Justin’s arm settles comfortably over the back of my chair and I lean into his warmth.  Normally I’m not a supporter of PDA, but we’re mostly alone in the back room and there are no widows near us so I’m not too worried.  Plus, it’s getting to Rachel and that’s a bonus.

“And I thought you two were adamant that nothing was going on.”  She quips back.  She’s been giving us crap for the past couple of weeks, ever since she saw me in Justin’s bed.  I understand some of it, I mean, she did push pretty hard to get us to admit feelings.  I just wish she’d let it go already, I get it, she was right and we were wrong.  She seems a little bitter about it all, but I think that comes from the fact that Justin like to goad her along.  He refuses to admit that she was right about it all.

“Nothing was going on, and now it is.”  I feel his hand rubbing my shoulder and I let out a little sigh.  Having his attention on me like this is not a bad thing.

I never imagined that I would be in this position.  Here, with Justin, thinking slightly dirty thoughts and enjoying it.  I’d always watched him with his girlfriends and noted how attentive he seemed to be with all of them, but really had no idea how much charm this boy actually possesses.  It only takes him a look and I’m putty in his hands.  It’s a strange feeling for me, but I’m trying to not question it and just go with the butterflies.

I’ve always been a sucker for those butterflies.

There’s a commotion at the front of the restaurant, lots of noise and chattering.  I’m assuming that someone huge just walked it and I’m hoping for Kobe or Brad Pitt or someone equally as famous.  I don’t care how long I’m in this business, I love meeting famous people.

I can see flashes of camera lights from around the corner and my curiosity has been peaked.  I don’t have to wait too long, though, because whoever just walked in is being seated in the same section that we are.

To my dismay, a familiar looking brunette steps around to the back and I can feel Justin’s fingers tense on my shoulders.

Jill struts toward a table in the back, chatting and laughing at the woman behind her.  I’m not that shocked when she spots us and gives me a once over before smirking in my direction.  What shocks me is the man that enters the room moments after she does.

John Woods, my not-so-wonderful ex, is trailing along with Jill’s little entourage and I’m waiting for someone to wake me up from this crazy, only-in-Hollywood nightmare.

“Holy shit.”  It’s Trace that speaks first.  I think I’ve lost my voice, actually.  I cannot believe what I’m seeing.

“What the fuck is going on?”  Justin’s voice is quite in my ear but I can certainly hear the intensity.  I know he’s not a fan of John, and I can only imagine how awkward it is to see John cavorting with Jill.  I’m not sure I can fully comprehend what I’m seeing.  John and Jill?  This is like something out of a cheesy teen movie or something.

John’s eyes glance around the room and widen in surprise when they land on me.  If possible, they get even bigger when they spot the man attached to the arm around my shoulders.  A knowing sneer falls across John’s face and I can almost imagine the thoughts running through his mind at the moment.  He’s probably praising himself for being right, the asshole.

I push my plate away, suddenly wishing I hadn’t eaten so much because I’m afraid I might throw it back up.  “Can we get out of here?”  I lean into Justin a little more, searching for his warmth after the chill of seeing John.

“Yeah, Jude, we can go.”  Justin grabs his wallet and hands Trace his credit card.  “Can you take care of this?  We’ll meet you in the car.”

Justin’s fingers intertwine with mine as he stands, leading us away from the table.  Unfortunately, we have to pass John and Jill’s table in order to leave.  I can feel the tension in Justin’s body as we walk and I’m just waiting for something to happen and John to cause a scene.  He would.  Asshole.  (Don’t tell me I’m repeating myself, I’m well aware).

“Justin!”  Jill’s voice floats over to us and she stands, beckoning Justin over for a hug.  He lets go of me momentarily to give Jill a small hug and when he takes my hand again I make sure to pull him in closer so there’s no question about who he’s with.  That’s right, I’m getting territorial.

“Hey Jill, you look good.”  She beams at him, ignoring me completely.  Probably for the better, though, because I have nothing nice to say to this girl.  I’m pretty sure she only became famous because she dated Justin and then they broke up.  Her last movie bombed, so I hear.

“What are you doing here?”  Wow, Captain Obvious over here.

“We were eating, now we’re leaving.  Have a nice night.”  He tugs on my arm, pulling me with him as he heads toward the exit.  I let out a breath, sure that we’ve avoided disaster when I hear John mumble something under his breath.

“Always knew you were a whore, Abbey.”  It’s not loud, but I heard it very clearly and I know Justin did because he’s stopped dead in his tracks.

“Justin.”  I warn.  He doesn’t need to end up in the headlines because he was defending my honor, no matter how much I’d love to see John get his ass kicked.  “He’s not worth it.”

He seems to think this over for a moment before continuing through the restaurant and toward the door.  He stops at the maître’d booth and whispers something I can’t hear, tugging on my hand again as we make our way outside.

It feels as if thousands of flash bulbs are going off in my face and I stumble for a second, glad to have Justin’s hand for support.  This is insane.  There must be twenty guys yelling at us and snapping our picture, trying to get some sort of reaction.  Justin pulls me closer, ducking his head down and giving my hand a squeeze.  I focus on the ground in front of me because it lessens some of the flashing lights, but it’s still extremely hard to move in this crowd.

“Is it true that you and Justin were having an affair while he was still dating Jill Hawkins?”

It’s hard to tell what direction the screams are coming from, but I know that all of the questions are hitting me at once and I now know why so many celebrities are constantly flipping off the paps.  I can’t take much more of this, really.  Luckily, I spot the black SUV that we all came in, and Mick just showed up with some of the restaurant security to help ward off the photographers.  Trace and Rachel are already in the car when we hop inside.

It’s not until a few moments later when I’m sitting in the back of the SUV with Justin that it all really starts to sink in.  My hands are shaking slightly and I still have remnants of lights flashing in my eyes.

“You OK, Jude?”  Justin’s breath is warm on the skin of my ear and I try my best to answer him, nodding my head lamely.  “I don’t believe you.”

“I’m just a little shaken up, that’s all.  I wasn’t really expecting that.”  I take a few deep, calming breaths, reminding myself that I’m OK.

“I’m sorry.  I should’ve called Mick sooner.”  He kisses my temple, wrapping his arm around my shoulders and pulling me into his chest.  “I’m sorry. Those fuckers.”

I don’t say anything else.  I’ve never actually had to deal with something like that before, and I’m not sure it’s an experience I’d like to repeat any time soon.  First of all, I can’t believe some of the questions and comments they were throwing at us.  Really, Justin is pretending to date me so I can further my career?  Who the hell fed them that bullshit line?

“You alright back there, guys?”  Trace’s face looms over the seat in front of us, his eyes filled with concern.  Rachel is busy typing away at her blackberry.  I can only imagine the damage control she’s trying to do right now.

“Yeah,” I speak up, finding my voice is shakier than I would like it to be.  “I’m fine.”

“What the fuck was up with Jill and that douche bag, anyway?”  He attempts a little chuckle but it’s obvious to everyone else in the car that neither Justin nor myself find it very funny.  I’m pretty sure that Justin’s pissed because John called me a whore, which doesn’t make me very happy either.  And I’m still in shock over the last ten minutes of the evening.  I just wanted some sushi, damnit.

“Apparently word was out that you and Abbey were at that restaurant tonight, and when Jill showed up some of the paps were asking her about you two.  It was John that told them all the bullshit about an affair and all that.”  Rachel talks while she stares at her phone.  I have no idea how it’s possible for someone to talk and type at the same time, but she’s doing it.  That’s amazing.

“I knew it.  Piece of shit.”  Justin’s fists clench in his lap and I look up at his tense jaw.  I plant a small kiss just under his ear.

“Thanks for keeping you cool back there, Boss man.  I don’t think I would’ve been able to handle that without you.” 

This seems to relax him a little and he glances down at me, giving me a small smile.  “Anything for you, Jude.”

“So wait, Jill started all this shit?”  Trace has always been a little slow on the uptake.  He looks back and fourth between me, Justin and Rachel, waiting for an answer.

“Yeah.  She did.”  Rachel puts her phone down for a second to give him a look.  “The paps told her that Justin was in the restaurant and John started mouthing off about Abbey and how much of a whore she is.”  She gives me a glance, “Sorry, Abs.”

I shrug.  “I don’t expect much more from him, although, I thought he was supposed to be a creative guy.  Whore is pretty run-of-the-mill, if you ask me.”

This gets the other in the car chuckling a bit and it feels nice to break the tension.  I hate tension.  It makes me all…tense.

“Well I’ve just sent a heads up to the higher-ups and to your Mom, too.  If anything comes out they’ll at least be aware.  Oh, I sent a message to Sadie.  I thought she might like to know in case anyone calls her asking for a statement or something.”

There’s a lull in the conversation and I desperately want to forget about what just happened.  It was bad enough having to see John with Jill.  The crazy photogs just made it worse.  I think it’s time to move on and just let it all go.

“I want ice cream.”  Seems like a good enough way to finish this evening off right.

Justin’s head turns down to look at me.  “Ice cream?”

“You know, that frozen stuff with chocolaty bits in it? Ice cream.”  I get a pinch to the side for that one.

“I could totally go for some Chunky Monkey right about now.”  Rachel pipes up, giving me a grin.

“Oh, I’m all about the ‘Everything but the…’ that stuff is the shit.”  Trace and Justin are looking at us like we’ve got two heads, but the crazy events of the night have seemed to be forgotten and that’s all I really wanted in the first place.  Jill and John really aren’t worth the energy it takes to think about them, anyway.

“All right, we can stop somewhere and get some ice cream.”  I feel Justin’s smile against my forehead as he kisses me on my hairline. 

This night might actually be salvageable after all.

~*~

“Oh, I am so stuffed.”  I plop down onto Justin’s soft comforter, rolling over onto my back to stare at the ceiling.

“I’m not surprised.  You ate a whole pint of Ben and Jerry’s.”  His face comes into view over my body and I take a second to appreciate the view of his naked chest.  My boyfriend is a god.

“You had some too.  I didn’t eat the whole thing.”  I defend, attempting so sit up but failing miserably. 

“Yeah, like two bites.  You put away food better than some of my guy friends, Jude.”  His hands find my wrists and he helps my sit up, taking a second to catch my lips in a kiss.  “If I didn’t know you so well it might be a little gross.”

“Thanks, Jus, I’ll keep that in mind the next time you want to kill off an entire case of beer.”

He chuckles, sliding up onto the bed and clicking on the bedside table.  I muster up the rest of my energy and head into the bathroom, brushing my teeth and slipping out of my jeans.  When I come back into the room, Justin’s sitting up against the headboard typing something on his laptop.

“What’s up?”  I climb onto the bed next to him.  This has to be the most comfortable bed I have ever had the pleasure of sleeping in.  It’s heaven, really.

“Just doing a little damage control.  I guess some late night gossip shows have already aired the pictures and video from tonight.”

“Oh.”  I watch as he types up a couple more e-mails before clicking his computer shut and setting it off to the side.

“Abbey, this is just the beginning, you know that, right?”  I take my position in the crook of his shoulder and settle my hand across his chest.

“Yeah, I guess.”

“I’m serious.  There’s going to be a lot of gossip going around about us and especially about you.  You just have to trust me, OK?  Don’t listen to a word they say and soon enough they’ll move onto something else.”

An uneasy feeling settles in my stomach and, again, I wish I hadn’t eaten so much tonight.

“Maybe you should call up Brad and Angie and ask them to adopt another kid.”  I have always found humor to be my coping mechanism.

“I promise, Jude.  It’ll be over before you know it.”  I let him kiss me goodnight before he reaches up and turns off the lamp.

I hope he’s right.

My biggest gripe about the music industry has to be the over-exposure and the tabloids.  Second to that?

Stupid ex-girlfriends and asshole ex-boyfriends (Abbey’s, of course). 

I have been dealing with way too many conference calls and e-mails about all the shit that John was spouting off the other night.  Of course, Jill doesn’t give a rats ass because any exposure for her is good exposure. I, on the other hand, like to try and stay out of the gossip rags as much as possible.  I would also like to keep Abbey’s name relatively untarnished, but now I’m not so sure that’s going to happen.

It plays in our favor that John is a nobody and has no credibility, but it looks bad that Jill said nothing to contradict him.  Unfortunately, I have to call her up and kiss ass so she’ll make a statement claiming that John’s an unstable asshole and nothing he said was correct.  I hope she goes along with it, I really do.

Poor Abbey has been completely freaked out by this whole thing.  She’s never really had to deal with all this before, and she’s taking it all kinda hard.  I can’t blame her, either.  It’s never fun to be called a whore that sleeps with her boss to get someplace.  She’s also been avoiding my place because there are paps camped outside my front gates.  Stupid fuckers.  I think it’s sad that these people can make their livings off of the misery of others.  Luckily for Abbey, she lives in an apartment complex that has a guard booth and only residents or guests with specific permission can get in.  At least she doesn’t have to worry about being accosted at home.

I lean back in my office chair and stare at my computer screen for a second before picking up my phone and dialing Jill’s number.

I supposed I should get all this over with.

As the phone rings, I type a message to Abbey, letting her know that I’m making the call.  She’s at her apartment.  Gotta love technology.

TigersFan81: I’m calling Jill now.  Wish me luck.  

MeanMrMustard: Luck.  Make sure to tell me what she says!  

Jill’s ringback tone is Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” and I roll my eyes a little.  She only picked this song because I said it was cool once.  She doesn’t have a varied taste in music.

“Hello?  Jill Hawkins speaking.”

“Hey Jill, it’s Justin.”  There’s a pause on the other end before her sickeningly sweet voice comes back over the line.

“Justin! How are you? It was so great to see you the other night.”  I don’t believe her brightness for one second.  She was never that excited to hear from me, even when we were together.

“I’m all right.  And I’m actually calling about the other night.”

“Oh?  What’s up?”  Like she doesn’t know. Ha!

MeanMrMustard: What’s she saying?   

TigersFan81: nothing yet, patience Jude. Give a guy some time…sheesh!  

MeanMrMustard: yeah, yeah, yeah…talk faster!  

“Well I’m sure you’ve heard all the rumors that have been swirling around lately about me and Abbey.  I was hoping that you might be able to help me out with those.”

She giggles on the other end and I would like to know what’s so funny.  “Justin, you know that no one would really believe that you and I are dating.  I don’t think that we should pretend to be together just to take the heat off of Abbey.  It’s just part of the business.  She should really learn to deal with it.”

How did I not notice her stupidity when we were together?

“Uh…that’s not what I meant.”  I pick up a pen from my desk and start tapping it against the surface in front of me.  I really wish I didn’t have to do this.

“Oh.  Oops.”  She giggles again. “What do you need then?”

“I was hoping you might be willing to make a statement on Abbey’s behalf.  It would be helpful if people heard from you that John was full of shit.”

There’s a pause on the other end and I can almost hear her thinking.  “You know, John was only reacting to what he saw between the two of you.  Abbey really hurt him.”

This time I let out a laugh, except it much more bitter than her previous giggle.

TigersFan81: She’s defending the bastard!  

MeanMrMustard: I always knew she was an idiot.  Either that or he’s paying her a hefty sum.  And he says I’m the whore.  

“First of all, Abbey and I were not together when she was with John.  In fact, it was probably two months later before we started dating.  Secondly, he brought on all the hurt in that relationship.  Calling someone a slut is no way to gain affection.”

“Maybe she shouldn’t have been acting like a slut.”  I’m so shocked that I actually drop the phone into my lap.  Fumbling, I pick it up again.

“Excuse me?”  I don’t think I’ll be telling Abbey about this part of the conversation.  I don’t need her to track Jill down and beat the shit out of her.  Although, it would be fun to watch.

“Face it Justin, she was always all over you.  If I weren’t such a strong woman I would’ve felt insecure about your friendship with her.” 

“Wow.”  I can’t find any more words at the moment.

MeanMrMustard: any good news for me, Bossman?  I’m dying over here.  T

igersFan81: Hold on, Jude.  I’ll call  you when I’m done.  Sorry love L  

Jill clears her throat and the noise brings me back to the conversation at hand.  “How the hell did you hook up with John, anyway?”

She pauses, “We met at the Memphis stop of your tour.” 

Suddenly it all makes sense.  The distant attitude, the claim that she was staying with a friend the night that the shit hit the fan with Abbey and John…she was really shacking up with the ass munch.  I can’t believe I didn’t see it then.  Of course, I can’t imagine any girl that would want to be with a guy like John, but again, Jill’s proven herself to be an idiot.

“You’ve been with him since then?”

Another pause on her end and I know it’s the truth even if she doesn’t admit it.  “Yeah, we met in the bar the night you hit him.  Things with us were just so…crumby, and he was being really sweet and everything.  I felt bad for the guy because you had all ganged up on him over Abbey!  He just wanted to spend time with his girlfriend and she was totally ignoring him to hang all over you.  He’s a really nice guy, Justin.”

“Yeah, well, congratulations.”  I all but growl.  They’re perfect for each other, really.  “Listen, you don’t have to make a statement, just do me a favor and try to keep John from spouting his mouth anymore, please?”

“As a favor to you, all right.”  She sounds as if I just asked her to swim the English Channel.

“Thanks.”  I end the conversation quickly.  I don’t think I can take much more of listening to her and her stupidity.  That girl has lost some brain cells or something.  I never thought she was this idiotic.

Taking a deep breath, I pick up my phone again to call Abbey.  She’s left me about five IMs asking if I’m done talking yet.  Brat.

“Well?  Is she going to make the statement?”  Her voice is hopeful.

“Hello to you, too, Jude.  I’m doing great, thanks for asking.”  I smirk at her exasperated sigh.

“Fine.  Hey Justin, how are you?  Good? Great.  What’d she say??”

“She won’t make the statement, but she said that she can ask John to keep his mouth shut.”  I hope this is enough for her.  There’s not much more we can do except make our own statement.

“How the hell did those idiots hook up, anyway?  I didn’t think John had the time to date.”  I’m glad that she doesn’t sound bitter, just curious.  I relay the story that Jill told me, minus the ‘Abbey’s being a slut’ part and Abbey reacts about the same way that I did.  “They’re meant for each other.”

“Tell me about it.”  I laugh along with her.  “So, I think the next step is for us to make a statement or something.  Do you have any interviews scheduled soon?”  I click open my appointment book and scroll through the things that I have for Abbey.  Sadie sends me her schedule every week so we can all be on the same page.

“Yeah, next Friday I’m meeting with Rolling Stone.”

“Perfect.  They’ll be a great place to get a statement out.”

“So are we telling people we’re together now?”  She sounds unsure and I can’t say that I blame her.  I’m not sure I want us to really be out in the public if it’s going to be crazy like this.  I know that media coverage usually dies down soon, but I’m not sure I want to take the chance that it doesn’t.  I’d like some peace in my life, even if it means lying to the public.

“I was thinking that we might still keep that to ourselves.”  I can tell she’s mulling the thought over.  A minute later she asks me how we would do that.  “Well, when they ask about the accusations, you tell them that they’re in no way true, because they’re not.  You can just say that you and I are really close because we have to spend so much time together for your career, but any rumors that you’re using me to further your career is just bullshit.”

“So we tell the truth but we omit the part where we go at it like bunnies?”  There’s laughter in her voice and I can’t help but chuckle.

“Yeah, Jude, we leave that part out.”

“Thanks for doing this for me, Boss man.”

“Anything for you, Jude.  Now, how about you come over and we can ‘go at it like bunnies’?”

~*~

I love being at photo shoots with Abbey.  There’s something sexy about watching my girl behind the camera.  Today they’ve got her in a pair of dark jeans and a dark tank top, and they’ve poured a bucket of water over hear head.  She’s holding onto her guitar, and it’s reminiscent of the shoot I did for them a couple years back, but it still looks cool.

They’re almost finished up with the photo shoot, and then they’re going to do the interview.  I know she’s nervous about the whole thing, but I’m sure she’ll do fine.  Sadie’s already told the interviewer that he can ask about the rumors but Abbey doesn’t have to answer questions about her love life.  I’ve always had good luck with these guys, so I’m not worried.

“Great, go ahead and grab that towel now.”  I watch as Abbey passes off the guitar to someone standing by and she takes the towel being handed to her.  The look on her face is thankful and I can tell she’s getting tired of being in wet clothing.  I can’t really blame her, it can be uncomfortable. 

She runs the towel over her head and through her hair as the photographer snaps shots.  She’s laughing at something that Sadie just said to her and I can’t wait to see these pictures.  I know they’re going to be great.

My girl is hot, you know.

My phone buzzes in my pocket and I rip my eyes away from Abbey to take the call from Rachel.  I have some meetings to attend today and I really shouldn’t be here with Abbey but I couldn’t help myself.

“Get your ass down here, Justin.  These guys are on their way and you can’t afford to make them wait.”

“Yeah, yeah.  I’m on my way.”  I hang up on her, not in the mood to hear her bitch at me.  I sneak closer to the set, catching Abbey’s eye and giving her a small wave.  She grins back and the photographer takes a picture.  I can’t wait to see what that one looks like.  I’m not going to be able to be here for the interview, which kinda sucks.  I guess I’ll just have to read the article when it comes out.

~*~

Anything but Ordinary:

Pop’s New Singing Sensation and Her Crazy New Life.

By Rick Martins

When I came into the studio today I found pop’s new princess, Abbey Rhodes, flanked by an entourage of people; an assistant, wardrobe attendants, make-up artists, and Justin Timberlake, just to name a few.  It might be an easy assumption to make that this girl has got a big head, but after just a few minutes of getting to talk to her it’s not hard to see that she’s anything but full of herself.  She was first discovered by Justin from a video she posted on YouTube, and after a whirlwind of a first year, she’s made quite the mark on the music industry.    

Now she’s sitting across from me on a couch with a towel slung around her shoulder’s as she attempts to dry off from her wet and wild photo shoot.  Her face lights up as I start asking her about all the new changes in her life.  

“So, Abbey, how does it feel to be music’s new ‘it’ girl?”  

“I didn’t know I was an ‘it’ girl!”  She laughs, “but it all feels pretty cool, whatever you want to call it.”  

“How has life changed for you since all this started?” 

She sits back and gets comfortable, thinking over the question before answering.  “Life is a little more hectic now.  I’m usually booked with all kinds of appearances or something, or else I’m holed up in the studio working on new music. I don’t have as much down time as I used to, but I’m OK with that.”  

“So we can expect another album from you soon?”  Her first album, ‘Along the Way’ landed at number two on the charts and went gold.  Quite an accomplishment for any artist’s first.  

“Uh, not any time soon, no.  I’m just playing around with some new producers and sounds.  I still want to release another song or two from this album before I put out another one.”  

“What direction do you think you might head in this time?”  She smiles as she talks about her music and it’s plain to see that this girl loves what she does. 

“This time I think I want to go a little more rock.  I don’t want to stray from my acoustic sound too much, but I’d like to make it a little more raw.  A little less safe, too.  We’ll see if just a flash in the pan or not.”  

“And what would you do if the second one doesn’t take off like the first did?”   

She leans forward to rap her knuckles on the coffee table in front of us, grinning at me. 

“Knock on wood, man.” She let’s out another laugh.  “I try not to think that way, but if it were all to end tomorrow I’d probably go back to playing in hole-in-the-wall cafes and open mic nights.  As long as I can keep playing, I’m a happy girl.”   

“You’ve just gotten off a three month tour of the states with Justin Timberlake. What was that like?”  

“Oh, it was amazing.  I have never experienced anything like that before in my life and it was incredible.  Getting to tour with Justin was a huge deal, too, because he’s almost guaranteed to sell out crowds so I always had full arenas to play to. That’s not something a lot of people can say on their first go-round.”  

“And how is it working with Justin?” 

She rolls her eyes a little, letting out another chuckle.  “People should start asking Justin what it’s like to tour with me!”  She grins at me, “I’m just kidding.  He’s great.  He’s such an old hat at all this that it was nice to have someone with experience to learn from.  He taught me a lot about performing and music.  It’s been great getting to work with him.”  

She starts to tug on the towel hanging around her neck.  “Sorry, I can’t sit still.”  She gives me a sheepish look when she catches me staring. “And I’m a little nervous because I think I know what’s next.”  

“You mean the rumors about you and Justin dating just to further your career?”  “Yeah, those.”  The smile disappears from her face

 a little.  “I just think it’s sad that people feel the need to say things like that.  Unfortunately the relationship that I had with John [ the man that’s spreading the rumors] ended badly and I guess he’s lashing out at me.  The rumors are ridiculous, anyway, and I would hope the rest of the world would be smart enough to pick up on that.”  

“So, there’s nothing going on between you and Justin?”  This time the smile returns and she gives me a coy look.  

“Justin and I make beautiful music together.  That’s all.”  I can’t help but laugh along with her. 

I guess she’s not going to spill any details of her love life.  With all the other craziness going on, I can’t say I blame her.

I can hardly sit still as I watch Justin close the Rolling Stone and place it down on the table.

“Well?”

He stares at me for a second before smirking, “Beautiful music, huh?”  I grin.

“Yeah, I thought it was clever.”

He lets out a loud guffaw.  “Oh, it was creative all right, Jude.  I think you’ve got this interview thing down pat now.”  He leans over and places a sound kiss on my mouth.  “I thought you did wonderfully, Jude.  And the pictures are hot, too.  They came out amazing.”

“Thanks, Boss man.”  I get a little bit of satisfaction watching him squirm.  I call him boss man out of habit, mostly, but I do enjoy the look on his face now.  If he’s going to insist on calling me Jude all the time, he can stand being referred to as my boss. 

“You need to think of a new nickname for me.”

“Then you need to stop calling me Jude.”  I watch as he ponders that thought for a minute.

“It fits you, though.”  He’s pouting a little.  “You were named after a Beatles album, why shouldn’t your nickname be after a Beatles song?”

“Because Jude was a man and that song wasn’t even on the Abbey Rode album.”  He knows I’m right but he still refuses to cave.

“Sorry, Jude, but I’m sticking with this one.  I like it.” I get another peck to the lips and I sit back in my chair, watching as he stands up and starts to putter around the kitchen.  I love it when he gets bored and wants to cook.  He has some mean kitchen skills.

“And I’m sticking with Boss man.  You are my boss, after all.”

He cocks an eyebrow at me, “So the rumors are true, then?”  He’s got an easy grin on his face and I manage a laugh, but the thought of those tabloid stories still makes me uneasy.  I don’t like people thinking that I might use my friend/boss as a means to further my career.  I would never do something like that, the music means too much to me.  “I was just joking, Jude.”

Justin’s voice brings be back to the present and I give him a sheepish smile.  “Sorry, I spaced.”

He stops his puttering and comes over, kneeling in front of me.  “Hey, I know that this is tough for you but you have to trust me when I say that it’ll all blow over and people will move on.  Give it time.”

It’s been a month since John’s little tirade to the paparazzi and things have yet to simmer down.  I’m being followed most everywhere I go and there’s at least a story or two about me every week.  Nothing too horrible has been said and I’m hoping that the release of this Rolling Stone article will help things go away, but I really can’t take all the scrutiny.  I know, I know, you’re thinking ‘get another job, Abbey’ and you’re right.  If I didn’t want the media attention I should’ve decided to be a computer technician or something equally as anonymous. 

I’m trying not to complain.  Really.  I don’t want to sound ungrateful or whiny about all this.  I am so thankful for the support of all the fans.  I should feel lucky that this is all that’s being printed about me, too. 

I just can’t help the discomfort that comes with the attention.  I’d rather be talked about for my music.  This will certainly teach me to date scumbags like John Woods.

“Cheer up, Jude.  The sun is shining and it’s a beautiful day and you’ve got some time off.”  Justin’s voice breaks through my thoughts again and I shake my head slightly.  He’s right.  This isn’t something to get all upset about.  “Get over here and help me cook, woman.”

I scoff, “I am not your ‘woman’ Justin.”  I love the grin that slides across his face.  It’s a sexy grin.

“That’s not what you were saying the other night in the hot tub.”  I can feel my face redden as he chuckles.  “That’s what I thought.”

“Whatever.”  I grumble, getting out of my chair and making my way over to help with whatever Justin’s got in mind.  Hopefully it’s something with chocolate in it. 

“So I’m thinking that we should go out tonight.”  He grabs some things from the pantry and I hop up onto the counter, trying to stay out of his way.

“Out?”  I’m a little wary of being seen with him in public.  And now I sound like a terrible girlfriend.

“Yeah.  Rachel, Trace, you, me, Sade, whoever.  I’ve actually got some downtime and now I just want to have some fun.  Plus, you’re not scheduled for the studio tomorrow so you don’t have to worry about being up late.”

The man makes a good point. “So were you thinking dinner, club?  What?”

“I don’t know.  I hear that there’s a new bar that just opened up downtown.  It’s this whole sports themed place.  It sounds pretty cool, and we can catch the Lakers game.”

I shrug.  I’m a sports fan, but I’ve never caught onto basketball.  I suppose that might have to change if I’m going to be with Justin for any amount of time.  “Ok, Boss man.  Just tell me what time to be ready and I’ll be there.”

“Great.”  He grins at me and I ignore the annoying voice in the back of my head that’s telling me that this is a bad idea.  If Justin wants to take me out, I’m not going to complain.

~*~

“Could you stop doing that, please?”  Justin’s voice sounds in my ear and I can tell he’s irritated with me.  “No one is going to take your picture, Jude, you don’t have to worry about being seen with me.” 

I snap my head up from my drink to look at him.  He’s pissed, and I suppose he has a right to be, but that doesn’t mean I want to listen to his attitude all night.

“Sorry.”  I let him put his arm around my shoulder this time and I try to relax.  When his lips starts to trail along my jaw line I can feel the tension start to creep back in again.  I know that there shouldn’t be anyone that’s going to start snapping pictures, but I’m a little paranoid at the moment.

“Jesus Christ, Abbey.  If you’re really that worried about it why don’t you just leave?”  The warmth of his arm leaves my body and I can’t tell if it’s that or his words that have made me suddenly cold.

“Look, I’m sorry.  I don’t know why I can’t relax.”  I pass him a hurt look and he lets out a sigh.  We’ve been bickering like this since we left the house tonight and I know that it’s mostly my fault.  I see him take another long swallow of his beer and I wonder how many more before he’s fully plastered.  His eyes are only a little glassy at the moment.

“I’m going to get another drink.”  He says after he’s set his empty down with a thud.  “Want anything?”  I start to say no but he waves me off.  “Booze will help you calm down.  I’m getting you a drink.”

This pisses me off a little but I don’t have a chance to say anything because he’s already moved toward the bar. 

If I actually take a minute to stop worrying, this place is pretty cool.  It’s got a huge round bar in the middle and different sports themes around the room.  There are a bunch of TVs lining the walls and just about every sports game imaginable is playing.  The atmosphere is pretty relaxed and low key, which should bring me some peace but I still can’t get the feeling that I’m being watched to go away.  I know that Justin’s OK with this whole thing, but his career has already been established.  I, on the other hand, am still working my ass off to prove that I’m actually worthy of being called a musician and I don’t need more rumors about me and Justin to take away any of my credibility. 

“Here.”  A peachy colored drink is set on the table in front of me and I force myself to take a sip.  Justin sits back down and I let him put his arm back around my shoulder.

It’s just the two of us for right now.  Sadie and Rachel hit up a club down the street because they really weren’t interested in watching sports games, and Trace ran into a buddy of his so he’s somewhere hanging out with him.  Now I’m stuck here with Justin whose getting drunker by the minute and that’s not helping my paranoia.

“You look nice tonight, Jude.”  His breath is hot in my ear and I force my muscles not to move away.  I’m not feeling the PDA tonight.

“Thanks.”  I don’t really know what else to say.  I don’t want to piss him off even more, but I wish he would understand that this is a big deal to do me.  I sip at the drink again and I have to admit that this is pretty good.  “What is this?”

“Fuzzy navel.  I thought you might like it.”  He smiles at me and I can’t help but smile back.  I am such a sucker for this man and his charm.

“I’m sorry I’m so uptight tonight, Justin.  I’m just worried.”

“I don’t want to talk about that right now, Jude.  Just drink your drink and we’ll enjoy this evening.”

At that my head snaps up and I stare at him with a deadly look in my eyes.  Oh no he didn’t.

The glaze that had settled over Justin’s eyes seems to clear a little as he notices the fury on my face.  He sets his beer down and starts to ramble, apologizing, but I hold up a hand to stop him.

“You may not care about my career, Justin, but I sure as hell do.  I’m sorry that it’s a big deal to me, and I’m sorry that I’m not being a doting little girlfriend tonight, but you have   no right   talking to me like I’m some stupid little whore.  Enjoy your evening.”

I snatch up my purse and stand from my seat.  I don’t care that he’s drunk and probably has no idea what he just said.  He should know better than to talk to me like that.  Plus, you would think that Justin Timberlake of all people would be more understanding about not wanting your private life splattered all over the headlines.

“Jude, wait.”  He grabs my arm and pulls me back to him, but I fight him off and manage to get away.  I dial Sadie’s phone and manage to talk to her long enough to tell her that I’m leaving and heading home.  I refuse to spend any more time with someone who’s acting a hell of a lot like an asshole tonight.

I thought I’d gotten away from shit like this when I dumped John?

~*~

I thought that my fury from last night had subsided, but the news story that’s playing across my television screen at the moment has brought it back full force.

“Are you watching this shit, Justin?”  I all but scream into the phone.  He’s hung-over and I’m getting a little bit of satisfaction as his headache.

“Yeah, Jude, I’m sorry.”  He whines into the phone but it does nothing to make my anger abate. 

“I know that you may not remember what it’s like to just be starting off in this business, Justin, but let me tell you something.  The LAST thing any artist wants is to be labeled a whore by anyone, even if it’s not true.  I don’t care who starts the rumors, once they’re out there there’s not taking them back.  Now there’s a news story about our little lover’s quarrel and people are reporting that I’m not giving you what you want anymore so you’re looking to drop me from your label.  How is that supposed to help my career?”

He’s silent, which is probably his first smart move in the past day or so.

“I know that I was being paranoid last night, but you had no right to treat me the way you did, and now it seems that my paranoia was justified.”  I seethe into the phone, imagining the sorry look on his face.  “I’ll call you later, I need to cool off.”

I click off the phone before he has a chance to say anything and fall back onto my bed with an angry sigh.

All over the entertainment shows this morning were pictures and videos of Justin and I getting into it at the bar last night.  There isn’t any good audio to go along with it, so everyone is speculating about the fight, but most of that speculation doesn’t make me look very good.

I’m really starting to reconsider my decisions to let anything happen between me and Justin. 

I knew that something bad was going to happen.  I knew it.

Okay, so I know that I was being a little bit of an ass the other night, but in my defense, she’s making a huge deal out of nothing.

I totally understand her concerns, and trust me, there is no one out there more aware of what’s going on with her career than I am.  I just don’t think that the media attention is going to be a bad thing, and even if it gets out that we’re together I can’t see it being bad for her career.  I know she doesn’t want people to think that the only reason she’s got this far is because of me, but I strongly believe that she’s established herself and her music is enough to stand on its own.

I should probably be groveling and attempting to win her back into my good graces, but she won’t answer my phone calls.  I knew she was pissed, I just didn’t realize it was this big of a deal.

Media attention is a strange thing.  As an artist, you want people to know your name.  As a person, it goes against any instincts you might have to want people you don’t know butting into your personal life.  I know that she’s worried about all this, but really, she shouldn’t be.  I would hope that she would trust me and my knowledge of this business.  Instead, she thinks that I’m being insensitive and uncaring because my career won’t be affected by this stuff.

Women.

The only contact I’ve had with Abbey in the past two days has been through Sadie.  It’s a little frustrating, to say the least.  I want to hang out with my girlfriend, damnit.  I don’t often have down time like I do now and I want to take advantage of that by hanging around Abbey.  Her schedule is keeping her in the area and it’s a rare thing to date someone in the business and have time that coordinates like this.

I will get to see her in the studio tomorrow, but I was hoping to have made up by then.

I feel stuck.  I understand her apprehensions, and I know that she’s mostly mad at me because I was drunk and being an ass.  But I just want her to relax.  I want her to forget about what everyone else might think and just enjoy doing what she does.  At the end of the day, it won’t matter what the tabloids say because her music is good enough to speak for it self. 

It would probably benefit me to say that to her, huh?  I know, you’re all screaming at me to talk to her and tell her this, but I can’t do that unless she’s actually talking to me.  Perhaps I’ll have to corner her in the studio tomorrow and make her listen.  Hmm, that could be interesting and perhaps a little fun.

My dirty mind digresses. 

“Hey baby.”  My mom’s sitting at the kitchen table when I enter the room.  Why does it feel like every time I find her here she’s in my kitchen?

“Hey Momma.  What’s up?”  She’s in from Tennessee for a while working on stuff for the production company.  I don’t see her as much as people think I do.  My momma’s a busy woman.

“Not much; I just wanted to stop over and see how you were doing.  Trace told me you were up in the shower so I thought I’d wait for you.”  She folds the paper she was reading and gives me a smile, “Where’s Abbey?”

I refrain from rolling my eyes and settle with a sigh.  “Currently she’s not speaking to me.”  Grabbing a seat across from her I rattle off the tale about the other night at the bar and she listens patiently.  When I finish, she sits back against the chair and thinks over what I just told her.

“That’s a tough one, Justin.  Have you tried talking to her about where you’re coming from?”

“Yeah, but like I said, she’s not taking my calls.  I’ve only been able to talk to Sadie the past two days, and as much as I like the chick, she’s not my girlfriend.”

I get a shrug in response.  “I don’t know what to tell you.  Just be sensitive, Okay?  You remember what it was like to start out in this business.  She’s worried that she’ll get a bad name for herself and you can’t blame the girl.  At least she’s not attempting to use your name.”

She makes a good point, but I’m a little stubborn, “Yeah, she doesn’t even want to be associated with me at all.”

“Justin, this is all new for her.  Give the poor girl a break.  It can’t be easy being attached to you for her career and now her personal life.  She’s probably overwhelmed, and you said that you were being an ass the other night.”  My mother, ever the voice of reason.

“I suppose you’re right.”

She stands from her seat, patting my cheek and giving me a kiss on the forehead.  “I’m your mother, Justin, I’m always right.”

Lady has a point.

“I have to work with her in the studio tomorrow.  I was hoping we could make up before then so it’s not totally awkward.”

She gives me a look, “I thought I raised you be to smarter than this.  You’re a clever boy, Jay, I’m sure you can think of some way to romance the girl before tomorrow.”  Leave it to my mom to make me feel like an idiot.

There seems to be a trend of women in my life making me feel stupid.  I really need to do something about that.

“Maybe I could call Sadie and set something up to surprise Abbey.”

She runs her hands over my hair as she makes her way to the door.  “That’s my boy.  Dinner tomorrow night?  Paul’s in town.”

“Yeah, that sounds good.  Love you, Momma.”

“Love you too.”  I watch as she leaves the room and lean back against my seat with a loud exhale of air. 

It looks like it’s time for me to start wooing. 

~*~

This is not going how I planned.

“I just feel like you’re ignoring my feelings,” Abbey sits across from me at her kitchen table.  I snuck over here and set up the whole apartment with candles and flowers and some soft music.  Really, I think it’s rather romantic.  It worked for about half an hour, and then I tried to explain myself and now here we are.  Fighting.

“I’m not ignoring your feelings, Jude, I’m trying to get you to relax a little and stop worrying.”  There must be a broken record playing somewhere.  I’m positive I’ve heard this one before.

“Easy for you to say, you don’t have to worry about your career being affected by headlines.”  Pouting does not look good on my girlfriend.

“And neither does yours.  Trust me, Jude, there is no one on this planet more aware of what’s going on with your career than me.  I am fully invested in your image and I would never do anything to compromise that.  John is a nobody, his ranting has gone largely unnoticed by the media, and if you do watch the stories they’re reporting, they’re all on your side!”  I cross my arms over my chest and hold myself back from huffing.  “Is it really that bad having your name attached to mine?”

She scowls at me.  “It is if I don’t want everyone thinking that you’re the only reason I’ve made it in this business.”

“Obviously that’s not the case.  Abbey, if I was the only reason you’d gotten any attention your album wouldn’t have taken off the way it did.  Trust me, your music speaks for itself.  You’re talented, you’re an amazing musician, and you’ve established yourself as an artist enough that any relationship your in shouldn’t have an affect on the music.”  She watches me carefully, like she doesn’t want to really believe me.

“You were being an ass the other night.”  Her statement almost makes me laugh.  It’s like she’s bound and determined to stay mad at me.

“I know that, and I’m sorry.  I wasn’t looking at things from your perspective and I fully apologize for that.”  I lean over the table and wait for her to come to me.  It takes a minute, but she finally gives in and lets me kiss her.  I can still feel the tension in her, though, and it’s bothering me.  “Are we OK, Jude?”

She hesitates.  The look on her face worries me and I’m trying really hard to keep calm.  “Yeah, I guess so.”  I don’t believe her, but I don’t want to fight anymore so I leave it alone.  I’m hoping that it’s just residual fear left over and things will be back to normal soon enough.

“I brought some movies over.  I was thinking we could just cuddle and hang out.”  Her eyebrow raises in my direction.

“Cuddle?” I can hear the mocking tone in her voice and I relax a little bit.  This sounds much more like my Jude.

“Yeah, cuddle.  Are you opposed to my terminology?”

She gives me a devilish grin.  “No, I’m worried because I know that when you say ‘cuddle’ that’s what you really mean.  Most guys would be saying cuddle when they actually mean to say ‘let’s have hot, sweaty sex all night.’”

“We could certainly arrange that,” I let out a chuckle.  This is more like it.

“In your dreams, Boss man.”  She swallows the last of the wine in her glass and takes the hand I’ve offered to her.  I lead her into the living room and after she’s sitting on the couch I pop in the first DVD and join her.

There’s still something lingering between us but I refuse to acknowledge it at the moment.  I don’t want to start another fight and I don’t want to ruin the calm between us.  I’m trying to be as understanding as I possibly can, but she’s making it difficult.  I just want her to trust me on this one.  I’m not positive, but I’m pretty sure that fourteen years in this industry has made me somewhat of an expert.  I’m just sayin’.

Abbey settled underneath my arm and rested her head in the nook of my shoulder.  I’m glad that she’d seemingly forgave me, because I really hated thinking that I’d done something to upset her.  I don’t handle stuff like that well.

“So, I’ve been thinking…” She started, and I watched as she grabbed the remote and adjusted the volume so we could hear each other.  “Maybe it would be better if you didn’t join me in the studio tomorrow.”

The shock must have registered on my face because she sits back a little and starts to fidget.  “What?”  I must be hearing things.

“Well, I was thinking that it might get the media off my back a little if we weren’t always seen together, and I don’t really need you in the studio.  I’ve got the other producers there for these new songs.”

I can’t help the hurt that spreads through me.  I never imagined that she would go so far as to kick me out of the studio, and I can’t believe that she thinks this would even be a good idea.  “You inviting photographers into the studio?” 

“No,” she looks a little unsure as to where I’m taking this.

“Then you don’t have to worry about being seen with me.  It’s the studio, Jude.  I’m your producer and your manager and you’re on my record label.  If we’re going to be spotted anywhere together the studio is the best place.”

She shrugs and I don’t like the look on her face, “Yeah, but they always say not to mix business with pleasure.”

I stand from the couch, starting to pace her living room.  I really can’t believe she’s saying this to me right now.  “You should have thought of that before you slept with me, Abbey.”  She sits back against the couch looking like I just slapped her across the face.

“I’m sorry, I thought you understood…”  I hold up a hand to stop her.  I don’t want to hear this right now.

“I know I was an ass the other night, Abbey, but that doesn’t mean you have to pretend that we mean nothing to each other.  I know you’re concerned about things, but keeping me away from the studio isn’t going to solve or fix anything.  I have the final say in your musical selections anyway, and the process will be a hell of a lot easier if I’m there for everything so you don’t have to go back over and over again to change things I don’t like.”

She stares at me for a moment, slowly searching for her words.  “I don’t want people to know we’re together, Justin.”  Her words punch me in the gut but I keep quiet as she continues.  “I want our relationship to stay separate from my career and I think that it would be better if you weren’t in the studio with me tomorrow.”

I stalk to the door, the hurt and disbelieve radiating off of my body. 

“Then maybe we shouldn’t be together, if you think our relationship is that much of a risk.”  I don’t give her time to respond as I slam the door behind me.

I cannot believe she just pulled that.  Of all the things she could do, this one has to be the worst.  She’s overreacting and being slightly selfish and I don’t know what more I can do.  I was all for keeping our relationship quiet.  It’s not like I was out broadcasting everything to the whole world.  I was totally all right with keeping my mouth shut and letting people think what they wanted.  I guess it wasn’t enough for her, though, and I’m not sure what else she wants from me.

I’ll be damned if I’m not in the studio with her tomorrow, though.  Her music is important to me and I don’t trust it with anyone else at this point.  This might be the end of our relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend, but I refuse to compromise my artistic vision for her music because she’s too paranoid to relax.

Women.

~*~

I arrived early at the studio today because I needed to collect myself.  I knew that Abbey would probably be upset with me for being here today, but I really don’t give a fuck at this point.  She’s being ridiculous and I intend on letting her know that.

It’s probably going to be tense in here today, but there are other people working with us and I know that I’m adult enough to keep my private problems out of the studio.  I’m hoping that Abbey can, too.

“Hey, Justin.”  Steve steps into the studio and takes his place at the boards.  He’s an old friend of mine and he’s been behind some of the biggest songs on the radio today.  I know that he can do amazing things with a sound like Abbey’s.  I’m looking forward to seeing what we can come up with today.

“What’s up, man?”  I shake hands with him, grabbing a spot next to him as we start to mess around with beats.

“So, what are we thinking about doing today?”

“Well she’s got some riffs that I wanted you to listen to today and see what we could add to them.  I was thinking maybe a bit more of a rock, hip-hop sound for this song.  I know it seems slightly left-field, but I think that her sound can handle something like that.”  He nods at me, pushing some buttons on the sound board and letting beats filter through the studio.

A moment later, the door opens and Abbey enters with Sadie at her side.  Her eyes widen as she sees me, but she doesn’t say anything.

“Hey Steve,” She hugs the man and kisses his cheek, avoiding my eyes.  I can’t tell if she’s mad or ashamed, but at this point I really don’t care.  I grab the guitar that’s next to me and hand in to her, letting her know that I’m all business today.

“I want you to play some of you’re new riffs for Steve.  I’m thinking we can mess around with those today and see what we get.”

She nods at me, strumming on the guitar and tuning it before she starts to show Steve the things she’d been working on.  So far it’s just some simple chord progressions and some picking, but it’s enough of an idea to work off of and I can already see the wheels turning in Steve’s head.

We spend the next few hours working through song ideas and getting things recorded so we can build off of them later.  Abbey tries to catch my attention a couple of times but I’m still pretty sore over last night and I don’t want to hear what she has to say yet.  I know that I’ve fallen head over heels for the girl, but I’m her producer and manager first.  I’m not about to step back from my duties as a producer because she’s afraid of us being seen together. 

I’m probably being petty, but she’s going a little too far and I’m not going to put up with it.

I say my goodbyes to Steve as he packs up his stuff and exits the studio.  Sadie stepped out a little while ago to make some phone calls, and Abbey and I are alone for the first time all day.  She looks uncomfortable, and call me an ass, but I don’t really care at this moment in time.

“Justin,” She starts but I stop her with a look.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Abbey.  We should be able to finish up this song with Steve with another couple of hours of work.”  I stand, making my way to the door but her voice stops me.

“I’m sorry.”  She sounds upset and I can’t bring myself to look at her because I know I’ll crumble if I do.  “I know that what I said last night was insensitive and I’m sorry.”

I shrug, still not looking at her.  “Whatever.  I’ll see you in the morning.”

“What are you doing, Justin?  Why won’t you look at me?”  I can hear the tears clinging to her words and I have to get out of this room or I’ll lose my resolve.

“I’m just giving you what you want.”

I can hear her sobs as I close the door behind me and I feel like the world’s biggest ass.  Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.

I think I messed up.

Strike that, I know I messed up.

The ache that went through my heart when I watched Justin walk out that studio door was enough to bring me to tears for hours.  I sat there for at least thirty minutes before I managed to pull it together enough to drive myself home.  I promptly called up Sadie and she came over with chocolate, wine, and a lot of sense.

I messed up.

Fortunately for me, Sadie was a huge help.  She sat and listened and brought those chocolate samplers that have all kinds of different types of candies, I love the ones with the caramel…never mind.  Anyway, she managed to wake me up to the fact that I’ve been slightly unreasonable and I made a huge mistake pushing Justin away like that. 

Her words were, and I quote, “The media are going to say what they want regardless of what you do or don’t do.  Pushing Justin away won’t stop them from speculating, and you’ll only succeed in making yourself miserable in the process.”

Gotta give the girl credit, she’s pretty smart.

Of course, she didn’t have any bright ideas about what I need to do to fix all of this.  I’m hurt that he could walk away like he did, but I kind of understand that I was pushing him to it.  I honestly can’t believe that I told him to stay out of the studio but I felt really stuck.  I didn’t know how to handle all of the pressure and I thought that I could separate our work lives from our private lives by asking him to step back.  Obviously that was a really bad idea.

Honestly, though, I wouldn’t want to separate work from private, because it’s the work that brought us together and made me fall in love with the guy.  I can’t believe that he’s managed to bring me to that level, but I have to own up to it: I’m in love with Justin Timberlake.

I can’t tell you exactly when it happened; although, I think it happened a lot earlier than I really want to admit.  I’ve always had a soft spot for Justin, and it wasn’t until we started dating that I truly realized how important he is to me.  Not only did he make my biggest dreams come true, but he’s supported me throughout the entire thing.  He put a lot of his own projects on the back burner to see that mine were accomplished and that makes me feel like a huge ass for asking him to stay out of the studio.  I can’t really imagine being there without him, either.  He knows me, and he knows my style and no other producer will be able to get the results that Justin can.

I have some serious groveling to do.

I’m still worried about this whole media thing, but Sadie made it blatantly obvious to me that there’s nothing I can do about it all.  I can only go with the flow and keep making my music speak for itself. 

I hate to admit that Justin was right about that, but he was.  He kept telling me that my music was enough but I didn’t want to see it.  I just let it all consume me and I pushed away the most important man in my life (next to my Daddy, of course).

Now I just have to come up with a way to make all this up to Justin.  I’ve never been good at the romantic crap. I’ve always left that to the men in my life.  And looking at my track record, Justin’s the only one that’s ever gotten the romance thing right.  I am so screwed.

We’re going to be in the studio again tomorrow, but Steve will be there and I certainly can’t put the moves on Justin while there are other people in the room.  Well, I could but…that would just be weird.

I grab my phone and scroll through it for Steve’s number.  I know that Justin will probably be a little upset at the waste of money, but there’s only one way to get him alone without him knowing about it.  “Hey Steve, it’s Abbey.”  I respond when he answers the phone.

“Hey Abbey, what’s up?”

“Well, I was hoping that you wouldn’t mind if I cancelled the studio time tomorrow?”

“Is everything okay?”  He sounds concerned so I’m quick to dispel his worries.

“Yeah, everything’s fine.  I just have some personal stuff that needs to be taken care of and I need to do it as soon as possible.  I hope it’s not too big of a problem to cancel on you.”

“Not at all.  Does Justin know you’re doing this?”

I hesitate and then decide that if I’m going to be honest about our relationship I should start being honest now.  “Not yet.  He’s actually the reason I want to cancel.  I made a pretty big blunder with him the other day and now I’ve got some groveling to do.  I figured that I could corner him in the studio tomorrow and I wanted to make sure we were alone.”

“Oh, I see.”  His tone is knowing and oddly enough, it doesn’t bother me to be telling him.  “No problem, Abbey.  The studio is all yours tomorrow.  Good luck.”

“Thanks Steve, I’ll see you on Thursday.”  He hangs up and I let out a sigh.  That’s one thing down, now I need to get to work on my next step.

I think that the best way to show Justin I’m serious is to prove to him that I can handle our relationship being public.  I don’t want to do anything really drastic, but I also want to do something to really show him that I’m serious about us.  He means a lot to me.  I want him to know that.

Grabbing my lap top, I log onto my myspace page and take a deep breath before opening a new blog.  If people are going to report about my relationship with Justin I should at least make sure they’re using true information right from the source.

I hope this works.

~*~

The last time I was this nervous to be seeing Justin was the first time we met.  I can remember that meeting like it was yesterday and I can’t believe how far we’ve come from that moment.

I wipe my hands down my jeans and sit back against the sound board, watching the door and waiting for him to show up.  I arrived an hour before our start time today to make sure that I was here before him.  I know he likes to get to the studio early so I wanted to beat him here.  I’ve got my print-out with me and I’ve also got my apology speech all figured out in my head.

I glace at my watch, he should be here any minute.  I resist the urge to pace; I don’t want him to catch me in the middle of a nervous rant or something.  I don’t need to scare him off on top of pissing him off.  That would be just my luck.  The door opens and I jump a little, a ‘sorry’ perched on the tip of my tongue, but the apology dies when I see that it’s not Justin but Sadie.

“Oh, it’s you.”

“Don’t sound so excited to see me.”  She gives me a grin that I can’t return.  I was psyching myself out for Justin; I didn’t expect to see Sadie.

“Sorry, Sade, I thought you were Justin.”

“Yeah, that’s what I’m here about.”  She glances down at her feet nervously and I can tell that whatever news she has for me isn’t good.  “He’s not coming.”

My jaw falls and the ache has returned to my heart.  Those are probably the worst three words I could hear at the moment.  He’s not coming.  “Wh-why?”  I will not cry; I will not cry.

“He called me a few minutes ago and told me to tell you that he wasn’t coming because it’s what you wanted.  He said that he didn’t want to upset you anymore and that I should have Steve called if he needed anything.”  She looks pained to tell me and I can understand why.

He’s not coming.

“I’m so sorry, Abbey.”  She can’t seem to look at me in the eyes.  Honestly, I can’t bring myself to look at her, either.  I know once I see the pity on her face I’ll lose any resolve I have and break down.  I was sure that he would come here today and I’d apologize and show him what I did last night and we’d kiss and make up.  I mean, I knew I was going to have to work at it, but I never thought that he wouldn’t show up to the studio.  I guess I really did a lot of damage on this one.

“Did he say anything else?”  I chance a look at her and she shakes her head.

“No.  I tried to get him to come but he seemed convinced that you didn’t want him here.”

I nod, taking a shaky breath and looking down at the paper in my hands.  “What do I do now, Sadie?”  It’s a huge blow to my confidence that he didn’t show up.  I never thought that I’d upset him this much.  I guess I wasn’t really thinking about how he’d feel when I started to make all those decisions.

That was a really stupid thing to do.

“He’s at his house, I know that much.”  She states, watching me carefully.  I sit silently, keeping the tears at bay and wishing I could crawl into a hole and hide.  “Abbey,” her voice brings me up from my pity party and I look at her.  “Go after him.”

“What?” 

“Go. After. Him.”  She says again, slowly.  I stare at her a minute more, unsure.

“You think that would work?”  I’m hesitant.  I really don’t want to get my hopes up only to have them dashed when he doesn’t want to see me.

“Yes!”  She’s practically yelling at me and I’m taken aback.  I’ve never seen her this worked up before.  “For God’s sake, darling, go after the man and make up with him.  He’s obviously not going to come to you…so go get him!”

I sit for a second longer before grabbing my purse and heading out the door.  She’s right.  I can’t just sit back and wait for him to come to me.  If I want to make a proper apology I’m going to have to go to him.  God, I hope I can do this.

I jump in my car and head toward Justin’s, mentally pep-talking myself the whole ride there.  I don’t want to mess this up. 

The hurt and emptiness I felt when I watched Justin walk out of the studio was enough to last me a lifetime.  I really don’t want to lose him or his friendship.  He means way too much to me.  I know that I still have a lot to work out, especially with this whole media thing, but I think I can manage it all as long as I’ve still got Justin.  I know, I know…cheesiest line ever, but it’s the truth.

I turn into his driveway and take a deep breath.  Here goes everything.

It takes a minute for Justin to answer the door after I ring the bell and when he opens it I’m slightly surprised at how he looks.  His eyes are red rimmed and he’s got dark circles underneath them.  It looks as if he’s been crying all night.

“Hey,”  It’s a timid hello but I don’t think I can manage anything else.

“Abbey.”  It chills me a little to hear him call me by my first name.  It’s strange and my nerves have just doubled in my stomach.

“You weren’t at the studio today…”  He cuts me off before I can finish.

“I thought you didn’t want me there.”  I deserve the bitter tone, I do. 

“I know I said that and I am so sorry.  It was selfish of me and I was going to tell you that today when you got to the studio.”  He stands in the door way, just watching me.  “Can I come in?”  He seems to contemplate the idea for a moment before stepping inside and leaving the door open.  I follow him into the kitchen and take a tentative seat at the breakfast bar.

“Did Steve have anything to say about you leaving early?”  He opens the fridge and stares into it and I can’t help but think he’s too upset to even look at me.

“I called him last night and told him not to come in today.”  At this he does look at me and the surprise is evident on his face.  “I wanted to talk to you alone and I figured that you would be too upset to come see me so I was going to talk to you when you came in to the studio.”

He grabs a juice from the fridge and leans back against the counter, watching me.  I fumble around in my purse for a second before grabbing the piece of paper I’d printed out this morning and unfolding it.  I glance up at him, his blue eyes piercing.

“What’s that?”  He nods at the paper in my hands.

“It’s a blog.”  I start, staring down at the paper.  “I wrote it last night and printed it off because I wanted you to hear it.”  I look back up at him and wait but he doesn’t say anything else so I take it as a sign to start reading.

             Lately there have been a lot of rumors going around about me and my love life.  People have been speculating that Justin Timberlake and I are more than just manager and artist.  I’m here to tell you that they’re right. 

I’ve known Justin for almost two years now and he’s always been a very special person to me.  He’s the one that showed me that making music could be an amazing process and he helped me to achieve my wildest dreams.  Over the past couple of months I’ve started to notice that Justin managed to stir up some rather fuzzy feelings inside me, and we started dating toward the end of our tour. 

All the rumors that I’m a money grubbing whore are totally off base, in case you were wondering.  I’d been long broken up with John Woods by the time I’d started crushing on my boss, and Justin had been single just as long.  We didn’t cheat on anyone and I certainly wasn’t using him to further my career.  I think I’m capable of doing that on my own now. 

Yes, he’s still my manager and he’s still my main producer, but now he’s my boyfriend too.  I know you’re probably all wondering why I’ve decided to share all this on my Myspace, and I’m wondering it myself.  Lately, though, I’ve been wrapped up in all the media coverage and rumors that I’ve neglected my relationship with Justin and I’ve done some hurtful things.  In an attempt to take control of my private life and to prove that I’m not as paranoid as I may seem, I decided to share this with all of you fans and let you know the truth first hand. 

I’m in love with Justin Timberlake. 

Now you know and there should be no more doubt or speculation, on anyone’s behalf. 

I stop reading, scared to look up at him.  There’s a thick silence between us for what seems like hours before he pushes himself off of the counter and makes his way over to me.  His fingers grasp my chin lightly and he pulls my head up so I can see him.  The smile on his face is enough to melt my heart and relieve all of those fears.

“That was really sweet, Jude.”  He grins, leaning down to capture my mouth in a searing kiss.  I allow him to kiss me for a while before I lean back and pull away.

“I’m so sorry, Justin.”  He shakes his head at my apology.

“Don’t say anything else.  I don’t want you to ruin the moment.”  I gasp, smacking his arm as he lets out a laugh.  I love that laugh.

“Jackass,”

“Yeah, but I’m the jackass you’re in love with.”  I grin up at him.

Can’t argue with that one.

I can hear her breathing as she exhales and her head is a comfortable weight on my chest.  Abbey is nestled between my body and the back of the couch, and I can’t think of a place I would rather be at the moment.

I watch as she stirs slightly in her sleep, her legs stretching out as she snuggles deeper into my shoulder.  She’s beautiful and she looks so innocent as she sleeps.

Fortunately, I know that she’s not as innocent as her sleeping form might convey.  I’m quite wise to the fact that my girlfriend can be quite a handful and even more a pain in my ass when she wants to be, but I’m oddly OK with that.  I’ll put up with all her craziness for the rest of my life if I can only have moments like these ever so often.

Sometimes I think I need my head checked.

“Justin,”  Trace’s soft voice breaks into my thoughts and I watch as he tip-toes into the living room where Abbey and I are laying. 

“What’s up?”  I speak in a low voice but I’m not too afraid of waking the sleeping girl.  Abbey Rhodes can sleep through just about anything, I swear.

“Chase is on the phone, he says he wants to talk to you about statements.”  He’s referring to my publicist and I roll my eyes a little.  I motion for Trace to hand me the phone and he does before turning and leaving the room.

Ever since Abbey’s little confession on-line, we’ve been bombarded with questions and requests for statements.  Mostly my camp, because everyone already knows where Abbey stands on the issue.  I’ve kept my mouth shut, mostly, because I don’t see any need to fuel the fire and keep the vultures circling.  I know that interest will die down soon, and Abbey and I have talked about the fact that her confession was enough for the both of us.  Eventually there will be a talk show or two where she’ll be mentioned and I won’t hesitate to answer, but I’m not going to walk into any of those traps willingly.  I’ve learned my lesson over the years.

“What’s up, Chase.”  I keep my voice low, my eyes scanning my sleeping girl but she makes no movement or indication that I’m disturbing her.

“Hey Justin, I was just hoping we could discuss your making a public statement concerning your relationship with Abbey Rhodes.”

I’m fortunate enough to have handlers that don’t rightly care who I date or when I date them.  I’ve never been asked to keep things under-wraps, and I don’t have to worry about answering to anyone when word gets out that I’ve been spotted with a female.  Unfortunately, I do have to allow them to direct the flow of publicity that comes when there’s a new woman in my life and now’s no different.

“I was thinking that I wouldn’t make a statement.  I think Abbey said it all and that’s enough for us.”  At the mention of her name, the occupant lying on my chest stirs, but she settles soon enough and I laugh at the light snore that leaves her lips.  My princess, for sure.

“Do you want us to say anything of your behalf, or are we keeping things all ‘no comment’?”  I ponder the question, not sure what I want my people to do.  It would be easiest to tell them to just ‘no comment’ everyone until we’re left alone, but it might be quicker to have them confirm the rumors and maybe the speculation will die down.  Who knows?

“Ah, hell, go ahead and confirm.  Don’t comment on anything other than the truth of our relationship, and say something cheesy like ‘they’re happy and we wish that you respect their privacy’ or some shit like that.”

Chase chuckles on the other end of the phone and the conversation is over shortly there after.

I have to say that I was totally surprised and dumbfounded by Abbey’s on-line post.  I never imagined that she’d go that far just to make things up to me.  In fact, I was pretty much working toward asking her for forgiveness for being such an ass at the studio.  It was childish of me to walk out like that, but she was breaking my heart and I didn’t want her to see it.  It’s not something I’m too proud of—the hold this girl’s got on me.  It’s a little bit of hit to my man-card, really, and I would never admit in public to the fact that I’m utterly whipped by this lady.

I’m falling in love with her and I can’t see it stopping any time soon.

It’s as if she can read my thoughts, because I see a small smile tug at the corner of her mouth as she stretches awake and blinks those baby blues up at me.

“Hey, boss man.”  Her voice is rough with sleep and I can’t help the smile that mirrors her own.

“Hey Jude.”  I sweep her hair back away from her face, tracing my fingertips over the soft curve of her mouth.  “I was just thinking about you.”

Her smile turns into a wicked grin as she glances down at my jean-covered crotch, “not dirty thoughts, I hope.”

I can feel the heat crawl up my neck and I have to let out a laugh.  I knew that she only looked innocent.  “No, Jude, but if you keep staring at my crotch like that my thoughts are damn likely to turn dirty and I just might have to do something about it.”

The laugh that escapes her mouth makes my pulse quicken.  She glances up at me with a mischievous grin as her hands lightly trace the inside of my thigh, inching slowly north.  “What kind of dirty thoughts, boss man?”

I grunt, “the kind that require an empty house, Jude.”  I let her hands wander for a minute before I grab them and pull her up my body, pinning her against the back of the couch.  “You started it.”  I whisper before capturing her mouth with mine.

A moment later she pulls back, panting and flushed.  “Are I certainly hope that you’re going to finish it.”

“What kind of guy would I be if I didn't, Jude?,”  I grin at the squeal she lets out as my hands repay the torture she was just inflicting on my thigh.

I am so in love with this girl.