Pale moonlight bathed the room, turning the white walls a grayish-blue color, shadows moving as the fan above the bed turned in slow, lazy circles.

A breeze blew over her shoulder and she shivered, pulling the covers up to warm the chilled skin.  As the fabric moved, so did he, grunting softly into his pillow as he shifted even further toward the edge of the large mattress, turning on his side to face away from her.  Instinctively, his arms wrapped in the soft comforter, bundling it to his chest, holding it as if he were cradling a person against him.

Her teeth worked over her bottom lip, a ridiculous jealousy toward the fabric flowing through her, followed immediately by quick calculations, counting the days, weeks that seemed to stretch endlessly into the months it’d been since he’d last held her like that.  It felt as if it’d been a lifetime since he’d pulled her to his chest in a hug that was warm even on the coldest of nights, those strong arms offering security and safety, protection from any kind of demon that may lurk in the choking darkness.   

Green eyes shifted, moving slowly over his dark hair and across his shoulders to his back, following the line of his spine until it disappeared underneath the covers.  Her gaze came back up, tracing the vague outline of what small part of his jaw was visible from this angle, a tiny hint of the features that graced magazines and made women weak in the knees.

An ache settled in her stomach as she stared at him, considering how long it’d been since he’d given her that heart-stopping smile, the one he’d made a habit to reserve for her alone.  Now it seemed that he wanted to share it with any and everyone else, wearing it out until he just couldn’t stand to force it in his own home.

At the first burning of tears, she blinked rapidly, fighting back against the misery and forcing away the moisture that threatened to form.  Tearing her gaze away from him, she shifted, the luxurious satin sheets whispering in the stillness of the room as she turned over onto her back with a quiet sigh, staring up into the night sky, the stars twinkling through the glass of the skylight overhead.  

It was the clearest night she’d seen in a long time.  Without a single cloud in the sky, the stars seemed to go on forever, little points of color that stretched farther than her mind could comprehend, but beckoning her to try anyway.  The more she lost her thoughts in the expansive universe around her, the smaller she began to feel, a sense of hopelessness creeping into her chest.

How was it possible to feel so alone when there was someone sleeping no more than a foot away?

She knew he was there, his physical presence obvious every time he shifted, the mattress echoing his every move.  Even so, she rolled back onto her side, facing him once again, securing his form in her mind, doing her best to memorize the outline of his shape, staring until the image was burned into her memory.

Yes, his body was definitely there, the sound of his breathing washing over her.

But there was an emotional distance between them, separating them by what felt like miles.  The connection she’d always felt with him had dulled, becoming so rough that she had trouble finding whatever wavelength he was operating on.  Before, she’d been so in tune with him that she’d known what he was thinking almost before he even thought it.  Instead of the closeness they’d had for so long, a rift existed, something that she couldn’t see but felt it stretch so far that making her way back to him seemed impossible.

Her throat worked to swallow, another chip seeming to fall from her already fragile heart as she let herself remember back to when the trouble began.

“I’m sorry, but it’s likely that you’ll never be able to have children.” 

The doctor’s words had literally shattered her world.  A feeling of having been punched in the chest had immediately slammed into her, leaving her with an overwhelming breathlessness that had quickly turned into heartbroken despair.

As she’d sat on the examining table, trying to wrap her mind around the situation, the only thing that had broken the fog was the feeling of his fingers lacing through hers and squeezing, giving her the only comfort he knew to give while they were in the doctor’s office.  Her gaze had moved down, settling on the image of their fingers tangled together tightly, the strength behind his touch surprisingly gentle.

Slowly, she’d let her eyes move up the length of his arm, her perusal leading her to his facial features, taking in the sharpness of his profile against the stark white of the wall.  His brow had been furrowed in concern, but he’d glanced at her quickly, sending her a reassuring smile, and she’d felt the remorse settling in her stomach, a piercing resentment at the unfairness hanging over the two of them.

All she’d wanted was to give him the family he’d dreamed of.

But it was never to be.

And she hadn’t been able to keep from feeling that it was all her fault, that she was deformed in some awful way.

With a mournful sigh, she reached out to him, her hand trembling, stopping when his skin was just beyond the tips of her fingers.  She considered completing the gesture, but terrific fear brought her up short, the idea that her touch might wake him changing her mind instantly, her hand jerking back until it was fisted against her chest.  He’d turn those wide blue eyes on her, probably want an explanation . . . and she wasn’t sure she could give him that without ruining what little bit of them was left.

After the doctor had handed down that awful verdict, something in her had shut down.  She’d distanced herself from him, flinching away from his hands and his body, certain that she wouldn’t be able to handle the inevitable pain that would come from his touch.

Not that she’d thought he would hurt her intentionally.  She knew without a doubt that it wasn’t in him to do anything of the sort, his character not allowing for it.  He was the most kind, loving and gentle person she’d ever met, each of those qualities becoming even stronger whenever they were able to have any kind of alone time.

Her mind had simply begun to work overtime, and in the middle of all the hurt, she’d managed to convince herself that he deserved a better woman than she, someone who would be able to give him everything his heart desired.  He was an absolutely beautiful person – inside and out – and she wanted only what was best for him. 

It had been proven that she most certainly wasn’t the woman he needed, falling far short of being able to provide even his most basic of wants, no matter how much love she put into any of her actions.  She’d known that she should step back and give him the opportunity to move on to something better, but she just couldn’t make herself walk away, couldn’t find the strength to let him go and allow him to find the one who should’ve had her place to begin with.

So she’d withdrawn into herself, nursing the pain that was eating her alive, becoming oblivious to everyone and everything around her.  In the beginning, he’d prodded her gently, trying to shower her with the affection she’d always accepted willingly, only to be met with an unresponsive wall of the person she’d been before.

As the weeks had gone by, he’d slowly come to realize that she was pulling further and further away from him, not giving him any sign of coming back.  His efforts began to come with less conviction and before long, he’d simply stopped trying to touch her entirely.  Conversations became forced, then almost nonexistent, a permanent silence settling over the home.

Well, not a total silence.

“I just don’t know what to do anymore.  She won’t let me near her, won’t talk to me . . . it kills me to see her hurting, but I can’t help her if she won’t even let me close enough to hold her.”  There was a deep, weary sigh as he listened for a moment.  “Maybe you’re right, Mom.  I’m out of fight and she’s not really giving me anything to work with.  Maybe . . . maybe ending it is just the best thing to do.” 

She’d only heard his words a few hours ago, but overhearing that phone call had been a splash of cold water over her, a sudden realization that she’d succeeding in pushing him so far away that there was very little hope of ever getting back to where they’d been before . . . not that she’d ever be able to convince herself that he really belonged with her anyway.

He’d be leaving in the morning, headed off for weeks upon weeks of promotion, recording, interviews, rehearsals and other things requiring his time.  His bags were packed, stacked neatly in the corner of the room, as if waiting patiently to be carried out the door.  There were clothes hanging in the bathroom, ready for travel.  It was just like any other time he’d been pulled away for work. 

But there was a major difference with this trip.  Every time before, she’d been certain that he’d return, bringing that smile and his laughter with him, brightening up the house as soon as he walked in.  This time . . . once he was out the door, she didn’t have a guarantee that he’d be coming back.

Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath and hugged her arms around herself, as if she could keep the pain from spreading by sheer will alone.  It wasn’t working, a heated throbbing of hurt moving over her in waves from head to toe, and she choked back the sobs that were threatening to escape, accepting the endings that would inevitably be coming her way.

This phase of her life – the happy times that she’d spent with him – were over. 

It was possible that he may not have made up his mind to leave for good yet.  He could’ve just been speaking out of frustration, trying to get some kind of relief from the anger that had undoubtedly been building up over the past couple of months, but the insecure voice that was constantly gnawing at her confidence told her that he was right. 

Maybe it would hurt less if she took the first steps and set him free.

She blinked, staring at him once again through the darkness, memories of nights that seemed so long ago playing through her mind.

Before it was said and done, she wanted one last memory to add to her collection, another moment she could take with her forever, even if it was bittersweet.  The lawyers would be called and the divorce proceedings would start at some point, but for now he was still hers.

And that was how she wanted to remember him.

Rolling over onto her side, she reached for him once again, this time not hesitating to let her hand rest on his shoulder.  “Jace?”

“Hmm?”  Always the light sleeper, he responded immediately, rubbing his eyes as he turned onto his back, obviously trying to focus on her in the dark room.  “What’s the matter?”

She didn’t say a word, just slid her body across the sheets until she was closer to him, then gripped his arms and pulled on him.  His muscles tensed as he was stretched out over her, his hands pressing down into the mattress to keep himself from laying on her.

“Amber?”  Blue eyes widened, roaming over her features.  “What . . .”

Her hands came to the sides of his face, bringing him down until she could kiss him, cutting off the questions she knew he wanted to ask.  At first, he didn’t respond, his lips pursed tightly in what could have been confusion or anger, then his shoulders relaxed and he leaned down into her, letting her take whatever it was she wanted.

Tears were streaming over her cheeks when she broke away, but she didn’t notice, intent on speaking her mind, her watery eyes locked on his.  “You’re leaving in the morning and I know you’re probably not coming back.  I don’t blame you for that, because all of this is my fault.  If anything, I love you more for having stuck with me for as long as you have.”  Her thumb moved gently over his skin, brushing across his cheek.  “I’ve been awful to you and for that, I’m sorry.”

“Ambs . . .”

“I think it’s best to just end it as quickly as possible.”  She rushed to speak over him, desperate to get the words out.  “There’s no chance that you’re happy with us as we are now.  And I can’t give you the things I know you want the most.”  Her chest rose with a deep breath, a sob catching in her throat.  “So . . . the only thing I know to do is let you go.”

Silence fell and she couldn’t decide if she was waiting for him to say something, or if she was simply trying to figure out how to say the rest.  His gaze was intense, moving slowly over her features, but he was either speechless or searching for the best way to let her know that he agreed.

“Tomorrow, you’ll walk out the door.  But tonight, you’re still mine.”  Her fingers combed through his hair, a small, tearful smile curving her lips.  “Let me have one last memory before it’s all over.  We had so many good times and you might not really care anymore . . . but I don’t want to forget any of them.”  Swallowing hard, she forced her mouth to move, unable to keep the despair from her tone.  “Help me remember, Jace.  One last time.”

“Amber.”  His voice was gravelly, either from sleep or emotions.  “That’s not . . .”

She rose up toward him, pressing her mouth against his once again, knowing he would taste the salty tears that escaped despite her best efforts.  He responded immediately, his hands coming up to cradle her face as he relaxed down against her.

“Help me remember.”  The words were whispered against his lips, softly pleading.  “Please.”

His kiss was deeper than she could remember it being and she sighed, her arms weaving tightly around his neck as she kept her attention focused on the familiar way his hands moved over her body.  Hurt settled around her heart, the tears coming more quickly as she realized that his touch was even more gentle and loving now – at their ending – than it had been at the beginning.

And as she committed his every movement to memory, her heart broke completely.  

***********************************

The grayish color of the walls had melted away, a pale orange-red taking its place, lighting up the room as dawn slowly approached.

She had no idea how many hours had passed, just knew that they’d been lying there silently, staring up at the sky as the stars had faded back into the universe, a faint pink color creeping in to chase away the blackness of night.  The soft shirt he’d discarded before crawling between the sheets was now covering her torso, the comfortable fabric bathing her in the subtle scents of his aftershave, cologne and soap. 

He’d propped himself up on his pillows, his arm around her, pulling her so snugly to his side that she could feel every breath he took.  His fingers began combing through her hair and he leaned down to kiss the top her head, his lips moving against the soft blonde strands as he spoke quietly.  “I don’t want you to let me go.”

“Jace . . .”

“I know something’s wrong, but whatever it is, we can work it out.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because I love you.”

The soft words crashed into her, sending emotions bombarding her from all sides.  Joy, fear, disbelief, hope and despair flooded over her, nearly drowning her in their intensity, leaving her completely speechless.

“I love you, Ambs . . .”  The covers shifted as he twisted, pulling her tighter against his chest, until she could feel his heart beating.  “Just talk to me.  Tell me what’s wrong so we can fix it.”

“I’m trying to fix it.”  She sat up, covering her face as the tears from earlier came rushing back with full force, burning behind closed eyelids.  “All I want is to make everything perfect for you.”

“By splitting us up?  How does that fix anything?”  His voice carried his confusion as he sat up beside her and she could feel his dark blue stare fixed on her.  “Do you still love me?”

“Yes!  Yes, I love you.”  A shaky breath rattled through her chest as she forced her eyes up to meet his.  “You don’t understand.  I’m ending it because I love you.”

The tears escaped, trickling down over her cheeks as he studied her, trying his best to make sense of what she’d said.  Her head tilted down, her eyes straying to the comforter, and his hands came to her face, gently turning her so that she was forced to meet his gaze.  “Explain it to me.  Make me understand what you’re thinking.”

“You were so excited that we’d finally decided to have a baby.  Then we tried for so long and when Dr. Simons came back with those test results . . . it was horrible.”  She blinked rapidly, taking a deep breath.  “I’ve never felt more hopeless, deformed or useless in my life.  All I wanted was to give you the family you’ve always said you wanted.  That’s all.”  Her eyes searched his, the tears coming quicker when she found the spark of realization in his expression.  “But it’s not something I’m able to do.  And I’m so sorry.”

“Oh, God, baby.”  As the first sobs came, his arms wrapped around her, pulling her tightly against his chest.  “I didn’t know it was that bad . . .”

She pressed her cheek to his shoulder, hugging him around his waist, forcing words out through her misery.  “I want the best for you, Jace.  I want you to be happy.  And if that means letting you go so you can find someone who’s able to fulfill that dream for you, then that’s what I’ve got to do.”  Swallowing hard, she pulled back, her gaze locking on his.  “You deserve that.  You deserve a woman who can give you as many children as you could possibly want, who’s perfect and normal.  Not someone who’s defective like me.”

“You are not defective.”  For the first time all night, his voice was harsh and firm, his hands coming back to her face.  “You’re more than perfect just the way you are.”

“My body’s all screwed up.”  Shaking her head, she could feel his thumbs moving across the moisture on her cheeks.  “How could you possibly think that I’m perfect?”

“I wouldn’t have you any other way, wouldn’t change the smallest thing about you.  You’re perfect for me.”  Blue eyes softened as they moved over her features.  “You asked me to help you remember the good times, but really, you helped me remember exactly what it means to be with you.  What I feel when we’re making love . . . there’s nothing that can come close to matching the perfection of loving you.”

“But I can’t . . .”

“Listen to me.  Having a family is important to me.  You know that.  But if you aren’t part of it, then I don’t want it.”  His hands came down, clasping around hers where they lay on the comforter.  “Dr. Simons said it wasn’t likely, but he didn’t say it was impossible.  We could still have a baby of our own.  Or there are other options available if we can’t.  Either way, it wouldn’t be right if you weren’t in it.”

“You wouldn’t mind adopting?”

“Of course not.  I was adopted and I don’t think I could’ve asked for better parents than Mom and Dad.  There are thousands of kids out there just looking for the right people to love them.”  Smiling, he leaned forward until his forehead met hers.  “We’re willing and more than able to share what we have.  Maybe that’s what was meant for us all along.”  Tilting his head, he kissed her gently.  “Whatever happens, all that matters is that you’re there with me.”

She stared at him for what seemed like hours before her brow furrowed in worry.  “You’re sure?”

“I don’t care how we have a family, just as long as I have you.”

“Okay.”  Silence fell again, her teeth working over her lower lip as she considered how ridiculously easy breaching the division had been.  “You’re happy?”

“Now that we’ve got that cleared up, yes.  You have no idea.”

“I wasn’t expecting this to be that easy.”  Her fingers twisted in the sheets, the only sign of her worry.  “It almost seems like it was too easy.” 

“Well, I’m easy.”  He grinned, relaxing back against his pillows and pulling her to his side once again.  “Don’t keep secrets from me, okay?  I don’t want you to feel like you can’t come to me with something.  If there’s anything bothering you, let me know before it starts causing problems.”

“All right.”  Her head rested on his shoulder and she sighed as she spread her fingers across his bare chest.  “Of course, I had to wait until a few hours before you left to straighten this mess out.”  Sadness flickered in her gaze as she looked over his features.  “I don’t want you to go.”

“I don’t want to go, either, but I don’t have a choice.”

“I know.  Duty calls, whether I like it or not.” 

“It’s part of the territory.”  His arms tightened around her.  “You could always come with me.”

“I could?”  Her expression brightened as she sat up slightly.  “Wouldn’t I be in the way?”

“Nope.  It’s not like we’re just starting out or anything.”  He laughed quietly.  “We’ve each got our own rooms and we can bring whoever we want with us.  The schedule’s going to be pretty crazy and you probably won’t get to tag along much, but we’ll be in New York most of the time, so it’s not like you’ll be bored.”  His lips pressed to her forehead.  “I’ll get to come home to you at night.”

“That sells it for me.”  She smiled as his fingers laced through hers.  “Tell me what hotel and I’ll meet up with you as soon as I get my stuff together and everything taken care of.”  Her eyes moved over to the clock before coming back to him.  “You’ve got a little more than two hours before they’ll be here to get you.”

“Mmhmm.  Just enough time for a nice shower.”  Leaning over, he kissed her briefly, emphasizing his point with a devilish grin as he pulled away.  “Care to join me?”

That sharp glint he’d been missing – the sweetest mixture of want and love – made green eyes light up, an eyebrow arching playfully as his hand squeezed her hip through the fabric of his shirt.  “What do you think?”

He moved to roll out of the bed, tugging her hand until she followed him, laughing quietly at the quickness of his pace.  “I think two hours is going to be cutting it close.”

-----------------------------------

Two months later 

She sank down onto the edge of the bathtub, the plastic clattering sharply as it fell into the basin and rolled along the curved porcelain.

It’d happened once, but she hadn’t believed it.  Twice had given her hope.  But three times . . . three times was an answered prayer, proof that the improbable really could become a possibility.

Over the past six weeks, she’d bought three tests, each one giving her the bright blue plus sign she’d never been able to achieve in the past.  Two lines crossing, indicating the positive she’d spent months trying to accept as forever out of her reach.

“Oh, God . . . thank you.”  Her entire body began trembling, tears streaming down her cheeks as she slid down onto her knees in the middle of the luxuriously fluffy rug covering the tile floor.  “Thank you.”

The sound of the hotel room door opening carried into the bathroom, followed by the echoes of male laughter.

“Come on in, man.”  Fabric rustled as a jacket was tossed across the foot of the bed.  “Hey, Amber?  Do we want to go grab a bite with Lance and J?”

No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t answer him, the words refusing to escape her throat.  Her hands came up to cover her mouth, shaking fingers dancing against her lips as she began to rock back and forth, the tears coming even faster as joy threatened to tear her into pieces.

“Ambs?”  Then he was there, kneeling in front of her, his hands grasping her shoulders as his brow knit with worry.  “Are you okay?  What’s wrong?”

Her eyes locked on his and the smile began forming behind her fingers, until she couldn’t hide it anymore.  She lowered her hands, the most brilliant grin she’d ever given him lighting up her tear-stained face.  “Nothing’s wrong.”  Still crying, she reached out, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him forward, hugging him tightly as she laughed through her tears.  “I love you, Jace.”

“Okay.”  His voice was colored with confusion, but he didn’t pressure her for answers, holding her against his chest as she sobbed into his shoulder.  “I love you too, baby.”  After a few minutes, she quieted, the last of the tears having run out, and his right hand came to the side of her face, tilting her head back gently until he could study her features.  “Are you sure you’re all right?”

Searching his eyes, she let a bit of common sense take over.  There was no point in jumping the gun.  Even though she just knew the test was right, she needed to be absolutely sure that there was no mistake.  She’d confirm it with a doctor first, would make an appointment for the next day.

Then she’d tell him that their dreams had finally come true.

“I’m . . . I’m positive.”  Fighting back happy laughter, she delighted in the double meaning of her phrasing, kissing him as punctuation.  “Everything’s absolutely perfect.”