Summer ’98 -- Late June

It had been a while since they had seen each other. Sure, almost every time he returned home she managed to come by to say hi, but this was the first time in about two and a half years that he would be home for more than a quick weekend or a busy holiday. He’d be home for two entire months, give or take a few weekends flying back to Orlando. And then he’d be gone again, for a long, long time.

But she didn’t mind. She was proud of him and happy that she got to see him at least a little bit. They had grown up together, known each other since she was a tiny girl in pigtails. Her cousin was his best friend and their families were close, real close. Over the years he had become almost like her brother.

Almost.

There was always something between them, something a little more or a little less than a sibling-like friendship. When they first met they teased each other endlessly. He often made her cry and she’d often make him mad and upset, stomping off with a pout on his face and a yelled “I don’t wanna play anymore!” A few years later they were sneaking around together, getting into trouble, catching frogs in the creek behind her house and debating whether to build a fort or convince her dad to build them a tree house. They had turned into allies and had made everyone else miserable, her parents, his parents, his brother, her cousin—anyone that came in their path.

By the time they were in middle school he had moved to Florida but they had remained close, and though time had passed and they were now teenagers, on the brink of adulthood, they never lost their bond; even when he had been thrust into a life much different than hers and had grown up quickly, fast, faster than her.

He had lived more than she believed she ever would, but he was still her Justin.

And he wasn’t the only one around. No, there was another Timberlake by her side, always, always by her side. Justin was only one of two best friends.

The other was James. And James was always a constant in her life.

Despite the fact that she claimed the distance from the Justin and the different lifestyle wouldn’t change a thing, things did change, not for the good or the bad, but every time Justin returned he’d be a little different, she’d be a little different.

But with James it was always, always the same. Nothing had changed since they were children.

She enjoyed the company of the Timberlakes, especially since she was an only child and the distance of merely three houses on the road, with a bit of land and wood in between, kept them close.

As she sat there with the two young men, she yawned. It was a hot, quiet summer day, with thick air and looming thunderstorms. She lazily glanced at the clock above the TV they were watching and realized that she needed to get home before her mom yelled at her for being late for supper.

“Did James tell you about tonight?”

She turned her head slowly over to the guy beside her, sitting a few feet down on the couch, his legs spread wide, lounging in baggy jeans and a UNC basketball jersey. Justin had newly bleached hair that was covered by a matching light blue baseball hat backwards on his head and a good tan that looked nice on his skin. The Florida weather had treated him well, but she was a little curious to the strange style he had been wearing ever since he had returned home.

She glanced back over to the other young man sitting sideways in the love seat that was positioned perpendicular to the couch she was on. He had on a shirt and flimsy basketball shorts, his feet were bare and hung off one arm of the loveseat and his back was against the other arm. His lanky frame looked cramped on the small couch, but she could tell he was relaxed and comfortable in that position.

“No. What’s going on tonight?”

She looked back at Justin. She use to have trouble telling him and James apart, but now despite their identical features, the style, the hair and the attitudes had completely changed to the point where it was almost hard to tell that they were identical twins.

“We’re having a party.”

She raised an eyebrow at the blue-eyed boy staring at her, “You are?”

“Paul and momma are going somewhere for the evening and said they’d be back tomorrow. So, of course; I’m home, so…par-tay!” He winked at her and she laughed and turned her head to Justin’s brother.

He had his head craned around, looking at her and pointed his finger at Justin. “This is all his idea.”

“Of course it is.” She laughed.

Justin sighed and rolled his eyes, “It’s gonna be fun, Katie! You should bring Ryan.”

She widened her eyes and curled her legs up under her, sticking her cold bare feet in between two of the cushions. “Hmm, don’t think so.”

“Why not?”

James groaned and stretched his arms over his head, saying, “Justin, I told you.”

“Told me what?”

Katie sighed and yawned, she was tired of this conversation and even though it had been a few weeks since it had happened, people still seemed interested. “Ryan and I broke up.”

“Oh….” It was quiet for a moment, all three of them staring at the TV. Suddenly she felt the couch shift and Justin was leaning closer to her, his eyebrows bunched, staring at her. “You didn’t tell me that.”

“I did.” Justin pulled back and looked over at his brother who was speaking to him. “Remember last week you asked me on the phone how Katie was and I told you, but then you said you had to go or something…”

“Oh, I must have not heard you.” He sighed and she looked up at him and he had his face twisted into a sympathetic grin, “I’m sorry, Kate.”

“It’s really ok.” She shrugged and laughed. No one called her Kate. No one but him. She couldn’t remember when or why he started calling her that, but he did and it was always when he was serious. “Everyone’s treating me like I’m all fragile and going to break down. I mean, he’s going off to college in about a month and going to spend the summer with his dad in New Hampshire so….yeah, that’s not gonna work. It was only a year anyway, not like we had been together since the beginning of time.”

“He was kind of a prick anyway.”

She smacked him against his arm with the back of her hand and yelled his nickname, “Riddy!”

A few years ago he had handed her their first CD from overseas and she had listened to it and laughed. She knew she hurt his feelings a little bit, but he got over it and soon had accepted her many nicknames all based off the title of one of the songs “Riddle.” Riddy, Rids, Riddy McRids, it all just depended on the day and the mood.

But she hardly ever called him Justin anymore and he honestly didn’t mind the nickname. She had a nickname for almost everyone else and he knew he’d feel left out if he wasn’t included.

Despite her mock-anger over his dislike for her ex, inside part of her was slightly thankful for the comment. She wouldn’t admit that it was a crush because he was her Justin, but lately, the past two years or so, something had been different about him. She tried not to dwell on it or over-think it.

But she couldn’t deny that every once in a while he’d comment on something, or touch her shoulder, or smile at her and her stomach would dip in excitement.

“What!” Justin laughed loudly. “He was!” He yelled back at her, rubbing the spot she smacked. “All he ever did was talk about making this touchdown or throwing that pass or something.”

She laughed, rolling her eyes, “Well he liked football.”

“So are you coming tonight?” He asked, swiftly changing the subject. He was good at that. He did it often, whether he was bored with a conversation, annoyed with it, or just something else was a priority in his mind.

Clearly he wanted her at the party and she wasn’t going to turn down a good time with her friends.

She shrugged. “Sure.”

He grinned at her and wiggled his eyebrows, “You gonna skinny dip, too?”

She stared at him, moved her head to glance at his brother who was shaking his head and rolling his eyes and then back at Justin, “Am I what?”

“We’re all going skinny dipping.”

“He is…” Once again James was pointing to Justin. He pointed back at himself and said, “I’m not.”

“Are you serious?” She asked with a hushed tone.

“Of course.” His blue eyes were excited and his smile was wide. “It’s awesome.”

“You’ve done it before?” She gasped. He always amazed her, especially the past few years. There was something about being a teenager and being curious about things you’ve been told not to do that was ever-present, but Justin seemed to have no curiosity because he’d already done all those curious things. Every time he came back from being away he’d tell her something new, and he’d always slightly shock her. Sometimes it made her feel nervous, but most of the time she was intrigued.

A deep chuckle came from the loveseat and she looked over to see James cracking his knuckles. “You forget Katie, he’s a big star now. He does all sorts of crazy mess.”

“Shut up,” Justin said to his brother in a harsh tone and then looked to Katie, softening his eyes, smiling just slightly, coaxing her in the best way he knew how. He could almost always get her to do anything. “Come on, it’s so much fun.”

“I don’t know.”

She started to pout and he leaned in and lightly tapped the outside of her bare thigh with the back of his hand, “Don’t do that, don’t play that game. You know you want to. I can tell. You use to always do crazy shit with me! Come on!”

“Yeah but this is different.”

“How is it different?” She stuck her chin out at him in a disbelieving gesture and widened her eyes. He just rolled his own, “Come on, like a lot of people are going to do it.”

“Like who?” She crossed her arms over her chest.

“Trace…”

Her and James both started laughing and she said, “Um ew, that’s my cousin!”

“Rachel might come out.” Justin shrugged and then James added, “Um ew, that’s our cousin.”

Justin ignored his brother and kept looking at Katie, smiling slightly at her. “And Kim, and Anna, I think Nikki is coming and maybe Linds.”

“Oh…” She nodded slowly. “So it’ll be you, Trace and a bunch of girls.”

He rolled his eyes at her. “You’re thinking too much about this.”

“I just don’t know, Rid…”

Justin leaned forward, resting his arms on his thighs and looked over at his brother, “James…help me out here.” James didn’t move and Justin moved his gaze to Katie who was now staring at the TV. “How about James goes, too?”

“Whoa, I didn’t sign up for this,” his brother retorted.

Justin smiled because he knew that was the ticket, and he watched as Katie uncurled her legs from under her and looked over at his brother, pleading. He knew from the moment he mentioned it that she wanted to go, that she was curious. But she was a little scared and Justin was determined to get her out there, get her crazy and having fun like the rest of them.

“Please Jamie James. Come on, if you go I won’t feel so weird because all those other girls are kind of…”

She abruptly stopped talking, and Justin’s smile dropped and he asked, “Kind of what?”

Katie sighed and turned to eye him cautiously. “I just…have you kept in touch with them? I mean they’re not really part of my crowd.”

“I thought you didn’t have a crowd. I thought you were in everyone’s crowd.”

James laughed a little, “She means to say they’re sluts, Justin.”

“I didn’t say that James!” She immediately defended himself.

Justin just shrugged. He wouldn’t call the girls sluts and he hadn’t kept in touch with them as much as other people in town, but they were there and seemed like they wanted to come over and have a good time, and he wasn’t about to stop some pretty girls coming over for a party, especially if they wanted to skinny dip. But really, truly, he wanted her there, he wanted his Kate there.

“Whatever, it’s gonna be great. You’ll have a great time.” Suddenly he was standing up, fishing down in his pocket and pulling out some car keys. “I’m gonna go, though. Trace wants me to come over.”

“Tell buzz I said hi.” She smiled up at him and raised her hand and he lightly smacked it with his own, holding it there for a moment before letting it go. James nodded at him, yawning.

“See y’all later.” She watched him walk away, out of the den and to the front of the house. When the door slammed she turned back around.

She could feel James staring at her. “Look, you don’t have to go skinny dipping.”

“I think it’ll be fun.”

“Katherine…” He sighed and moved to sit upright on the loveseat. “You know he’s changed a lot.”

She bit her lip. Part of her agreed. But there was a part of her that still saw her Justin inside him. “He has?”

“I mean he’s still Justin, but he lives a different lifestyle than we do now. He’s like a big thing. He’s been to Germany and he’s got an ego now,” James laughed and rolled his eyes. “More than before.

She winked at him and smirked. “Oh you’re so cute. Are you jealous?”

James didn’t find it funny and she felt bad for making the joke, lately he had been sensitive about his brother’s success and was getting very annoyed with people comparing them.

James had always been the more serious one of the two of them ,and he was always the one picking up the mess they’d leave behind, getting them out of trouble, making up excuses for them, even taking the blame on several occasions. But as James grew older, he was getting more and more tired of the games. And he was getting a little sick of being The Brother of Justin Timberlake.

“No I’m not jealous. He’s always been able to convince you to do shit and yeah most of the time it’s harmless and it’s fun and he can convince me, too half the time, but…this is….” He sighed and licked his lips nervously, “Well you just don’t have to do something if you don’t want to. You have never had any resistance when it comes to him, anyway.”

She could feel herself blush a little at his comment. She had resistance, she thought. He had never put her in harm’s way and she didn’t see what the big deal was. “Maybe I want to. I think you’re just scared.”

The conversation died for about thirty seconds and they both stared at the TV until finally he said, “At least I’ll only have one thing to try to hide from everyone…you’ve got three.”

She turned to him and if he were closer she’d have pushed him. “Eww James, you’re gross.”

His chuckle was full and deep but she didn’t smile and she didn’t laugh. Suddenly she couldn’t get the idea that she’d be naked in front of everyone that night. And that Justin would be naked, too. The excitement she felt when he was here and convincing her to do it was gone, and now she was a little nervous and quite scared.

But she couldn’t let James see that.

He stood up off the loveseat and whistled, saying, “pups, come here pups.” Two small dogs started clattering from the kitchen into the den. She looked up at him and he was stretching again, “Wanna walk the dogs with me?”

“Yeah.” She nodded and stood up following him towards the front door. “I gotta go home anyway, so you can walk me to my house.”

She was quiet as he reached into the closet by the front door and pulled out two leashes. He hooked up each dog by their collar easily and when he looked up at her from kneeling on the floor, he smiled. “We’ll have a good time tonight.”

She forced a smile and nodded. She hoped so and she really hoped that she wouldn’t do something to cross a line that she’d not be able to step back from. She had never been naked in front of other people before, not even her girlfriends, at least not completely naked.

And she had never been naked in front of a guy before. She bit her lip as she started to worry.

Justin was able to convince her to do this so easily, to get naked with him….and other people. She wasn’t quite sure if he was going to try to convince her to do anything else.

And she wasn’t quite sure if her restraint would stand up to him.

As much as she tried to deny it, James was right. He had changed.

Late that night…

The grass was still wet under her feet and it made her feel cold even though the night was sticky, humid and warm. The afternoon thunderstorm did nothing to cool the summer heat. She hung back behind the crowd of her peers and friends, chewed on her lip and prayed this would be over. She had been excited at first, but now she was just scared.

Especially when she found out they weren’t going to be skinny dipping in his mother’s nice, new pool but instead in Craggy Creek, five miles outside of town and one mile down a dirty, scary, pitch-black road. And now they were there with one car and one truck’s lights shining down into the creek. There were about ten of them there, everyone from Justin’s small party had decided it would be a great idea to swim naked.

He had done a masterful job convincing them all. She didn’t know where all the beer had come from, but someone had brought it to Justin’s house and now here. They all were drinking it. She hadn’t really drunk much beer in her life and had never been drunk before. She was a little unsure if she should act like the girls there and be tipsy after one beer and drunk after a second, or if she should just take one and sip it slowly, like James was. She decided to sip it; the flavor was stale anyway, like dirty water.

She hung on to James that night. He was being really chill, quiet, but not awkward. He was just hanging out with everyone but not being over the top and a show-off like her cousin and Justin and a few of the girls were.

She knew he’d make sure nothing bad happened to her. At least, she hoped.

She wished Rachel had shown up, but she hadn't and now Katie really felt alone.

“So are we taking our clothes off once we get in or-”

Her eyes widened a little when she could see Justin’s smile cut off her cousin, Trace, who was smoking a cigarette and drinking a beer out of a can like he had been doing it since birth. Sometimes she wondered if he had been doing it that long. “No, everyone strips first, and then we all run and jump.”

There were only four guys there, Justin, James, Trace and Nick; everyone else was female, her and five other girls. And they were of course the popular girls, the pretty girls.

They were the girls that were never really mean to her and never ignored her, but never had invited her to their house either. These weren’t the girls she called at night to talk to or meet up with for football games. In fact, she didn’t have a lot of female friends, just one or two, normally she was with James, or Trace, or even stupid ass Nick, and before she had always been with Ryan.

She had always been more comfortable around men. That wasn’t to say she was a tomboy. In fact, she could be quite girly at times.

But for some reason she felt out of place with these girls around her guys, and it was a first for her. She had never ever felt that way with her boys before. Ever.

Suddenly people were laughing, giggling, smiling and staring at each other as articles of clothing started piling up on the wet grass. She wanted to look away, she tried to look away. She had seen Justin in just his shorts before so when he got down to his boxers it didn’t really shock her that much.

But she kept waiting, anticipating…something, and she wasn’t sure why. Then he turned, pulled his boxers down and ran fast, straight into the creek with a splash, cannon-balling in. Naked girls followed him squealing, hair swinging.

She couldn’t breathe.

A naked ass wasn’t something she ever found attractive, especially one that had barely ever been tanned, but something about seeing them move as they ran, especially his, made her blush and feel wiggly inside. She made a point not to look at Trace because that was just gross, and Nick annoyed the snot out of her and she thought he was kind of ugly anyway.

Soon there was only her and James left, still clothed, still standing. She could hear splashing and annoying, girlish squeals and “stop its” which meant the exact opposite from stop.

She could hear male laughter and then heard one someone ask, “Where’s James?”

She wondered if it was weird for him to see all those girls naked, especially Lindsey since they use to date. She wondered if James had ever seen a girl naked in person before and thought about asking.

But she knew she was just wasting time and creating more of a space for Justin and everyone else to tease her.

“Get in front of me,” she said to him quietly.

“Katie you don’t-“

“Just shut up and stand in front of me so I can have a smidge of dignity,” she cut him off. It was about the tenth time that night he had told her she didn’t have to do it. And even though she knew that was true, part of her really did feel like she had to. She had to take this step, she had to make a fool out of herself, she had to be this nervous and anxious. There was no backing out of it.

He sighed, turned and crossed his arms over his chest, staring towards the creek, blocking her stripping with his tall frame from the rest of the group.

She pressed her hands into his shoulders for balance while she removed her shoes and socks and then proceeded to take off her shirt first, and then her shorts. She unfastened her bra and then stopped, amazed by how she had gotten unclothed so quickly.

Part of her, when they drove to the creek and she sat in the back of the truck with Nick and Justin and two other girls, thought maybe they would just go in their underwear. But the more she watched the girls eyeing Justin and him looking back at them, smiling, arrogant, teasing and flirting with them, she knew none of them would be wearing clothes.

And she started thinking, started wondering if Justin was going to hook up with one, or more, of the girls that night.

And then she started wondering why he had invited her.

“Are you done?” James asked her.

“Yeah, almost,” she said, bringing her hands to her hips. She took a breath and bent over, pulling down her panties and dropping them into her small pile of clothes. She made sure to cover her panties and bra with her shorts and shirt in her small pile. She didn’t want anyone to see.

She had never been a completely shy girl, but now, now she felt small and timid compared to everyone else that was just so willing and able to get naked.

She looked up and saw James looking over his shoulders and she pushed him. “Don’t turn around!!”

“Hey!” She gasped when she heard the deep voice call out and raised her body on her tip toes to see over James' shoulder. Justin was in the water, pointing at them. “No cheating Miss Lawrence. James move out of the way.”

“Justin shut up,” she yelled back.

They all laughed. At her.

She was thankful when James didn’t move.

She took her time and waited until she was sure no one was really paying attention to her, too busy flirting and trying to touch each other by splashing or swimming near each other. And she flew, she ran fast, holding her arms in awkward positions so her breasts wouldn’t sway too much. She jumped and the water was cold.

She immediately hated it and wanted to leave, but she held her breath and remained underwater for a long as she could stand it.

And when she emerged from the water with a deep breath she was shocked to hear whistles and yells and girly giggles. She thought they were for her, but no. No James was sauntering to the edge of the bank, completely nude and flipping everyone off.

She looked away. She had never seen the front of a man naked. Well, until a few minutes ago she had never seen the back of a man naked, but the back wasn’t as intriguing as the front. It was weird and she didn’t really like seeing James like that. It felt unnatural.

It was almost as bad as seeing Trace. She made sure to look away from James from that point on, but when he splashed into the water he was near her.

She kept her body under the water, treading lightly and was suddenly glad they were in a creek. The water was murky and she knew if they were in Lynn’s pool it would be crystal clear, distorted, weird, floating shapes underneath the water, and if anyone dived down they could see…

Everything.

At least with the creek there was a little mystery, unless, of course, someone got out.

“Why did we come here?” she asked James who was wading around, the water hitting him right under his shoulders. She hated him in that moment and wished she were tall so she could put her feet on the creek bed instead of treading in the water. Moving her arms and legs around to keep afloat might make her accidentally touch someone’s something, but it was the only way she knew to stay afloat. “I thought it’d be at your house.”

“Me too honestly, but then he said he didn’t want to get caught.”

“Shit!” She squealed and swam away from the spot she was in. “Something just touched my foot.” James started laughing at her and she pushed water his way making it splash against his shoulders and chest. “It’s not fucking funny! You know there are fucking snakes and shit in here. Probably an alligator.”

“Katie there’s no…”

“YES there is!” she yelled. “Earlier this summer Mrs. Dawes had one in her back yard, remember?!”

“It was a baby.”

“Still…” He was rolling his eyes and shaking his head at her, but she then noticed that he was a little closer to her. It was weird, she didn’t feel odd or anxious about James being close to her that way. She knew he wouldn’t touch her and she knew he wouldn’t try anything.

He was staying close to her so she wouldn’t be alone and so she wouldn’t be scared. She almost thanked him.

But then something happened

“Watch this!!”

She almost forgot how to swim when she looked up and standing on the bank, completely nude, with his curly blonde hair slicked back from his head and a bright smile on his face, was Justin. He was tanned and the hard work he had done touring had given the scrawny boy she knew a few years ago muscle in his arms and chest and stomach and…

And…

It was different from James’s but then again she hadn’t really looked at James’s penis. She had glanced, seen a man’s front, odd and hanging, and looked away. It looked like something she would have seen in a painting or a sculpture from an art class book. Something she would have giggled about when she was ten but now at 17 it was just another part of the body, nothing more.

But Justin’s….Justin’s wasn’t just another part. It was different.

Justin’s was bigger than any she had seen before and…and different. Maybe, she thought, maybe it was aroused. She wasn’t positive but knew that when she made out with Ryan, often there’d be something pressing into her that hadn’t been there before, and often she could see it in his pants, straining, when it hadn’t been straining before. She had even talked to Ryan about it one day, and he said that most men are small when they are soft and bigger when they’re horny. Then he offered to show her the difference and she kind of got offended. It wasn’t that she was a prude, she just knew with him it wouldn’t be right.

She wasn’t in love with Ryan, he was just someone to hang out with and make out with occasionally. And while, sure, she was curious about men and sex and other things, she really wasn’t curious about those things with Ryan.

And she had kept it to herself and away from the rest of her friends that him going off to college and leaving for the summer wasn’t the only reason they broke up. He wanted it, he wanted her to give it to him.

But she wasn’t just about to give her virginity up to him like it was nothing, like it was a milestone or something she just had to do because they had been dating for a school year. She wanted it to be right.

And with him it wasn’t right.

She realized she had been with him just to be with someone and so she ended it.

She let her eyes wander to his face for a moment to make sure he wasn’t noticing her staring, and then moved her eyes back down to stare at it some more. She really did want to study it a little, so she wouldn’t be so naïve, so she wouldn’t be straining to hear in the hallway or the bathroom when other girls were talking about their sexual adventures. She wanted to know, too. She was tired of being clueless. She was naïve and she knew most of that was her own fault.

And until that day, when Justin asked her to come to the party and then skinny dipping, she hadn’t really thought about seeing a man’s penis. It just wasn’t something she thought about often. Sure once in a while she was curious as to how it functioned and how it looked.

But that day, all day, she’d been wondering. Waiting.

She had been nervous and anxious, not really about the fact that she was going to see a naked man for the first time, but more because she knew she’d get to see him, her Justin, completely naked.

And maybe, just maybe she was even a little eager and excited about it.

He was kind of thick and looked smooth and she made herself sink all the way into the water, only her eyes peeking out. She almost wished a wave would come and make her stop looking.

But she couldn’t stop.

And she was amazed by how he wasn’t embarrassed. He was just standing there with the car lights shining on his front from the opposite bank, smiling, laughing, pointing at people, letting every fucking person see him like that.

“Fucking show off.” She heard James say, and then glanced to see that he was rolling his eyes. He started to swim a little to the left away from everyone for a moment.

She didn’t respond. She just stared some more.

She wanted to be closer, to really get to see it, but before she had time to think, or to stare, he had dove in, flipping in the air in a somersault before landing in the water. All the girls started to splash him, laughing.

She came up from the water and breathed heavily, almost gasping. She didn’t realize how long she had kept her mouth and nose under the water.

James was swimming back, completely oblivious to everyone else, seemingly in his own world. So was she, just watching everyone and everything, staring at the water, afraid that something or someone might move closer.

She couldn’t get the image of him naked and standing there so confident out of her mind. And she wished she could.

This was her Justin, and so what if she had sort of had a mini crush on him the past few years. It was childish and she knew that. She knew one of these days she’d grow up and get a boyfriend and move on from him and just talk to him around the holidays and see how his life was.

He’d be big and famous and dating a super star ,and she’d be that girl he used to play with when he was little. She’d be married with kids or something, still living a mile down the road from her parents.

Or something.

She suddenly wanted nothing more than to get out of the water and go home.

“Katherine!”

But she didn’t want anyone to see her get out.

“Oh no…” she whispered.

She looked over and Justin was smiling at her from fifteen feet away where everyone else was. He started chanting the word “dive” and everyone else chimed in, chanting, splashing, sending their splashes her way.

“Dive, dive, dive!”

She felt like she might cry. She hadn’t been picked on like this since she was in middle school and she was fucking fed up. If she had to, she’d call her dad. That’d show him.

“Stop it Justin!” she yelled.

They were laughing at her again and she thought she heard one of the girls mock her by saying, “stop it Justin” in a nasally voice.

“Are you scaaared?” He asked, slurring his words and smiling at her, starting to swim towards her. She felt like she couldn’t swim or breathe or anything. He was coming towards her….naked.

She had seen him. Naked.

But then Kim came up and dunked him, pushing her body against his and laughing. He, of course, was distracted and suddenly was trying to touch her and throw her around in the water. He had completely forgotten Katie’s existence in a matter of seconds and while she was very, very thankful, her stomach tightened a little in disappointment.

“I really don’t like him,” she muttered to herself and when she heard a slight cough from behind her she turned to see James picking up a stick in the water and throwing it out onto the bank. “James I’m getting tired,” she said.

“Let’s get out. They’re not paying attention any—“ He paused and then nodded to the bank. “Never mind.”

She turned and saw all of them scurrying out of the creek, helping each other up, all of them completely naked and wet. Two of the girls ran up behind Justin and started hitting him against his ass and he swerved around them, laughing.

Still naked. Still hard.

She sighed and slowly started swimming towards the bank. James got out first and she was thankful when he turned to help pull her out. But at the same time, she didn’t want him seeing her naked and she definitely didn’t want to see him that way either or be close to him that way.

Suddenly, though, another young man ran up behind James, pushed him in the water and laughed. Justin had his boxers on now and he was still soaked so much that the shorts were sticking to his wet thighs just a little.

He laughed and laughed, shaking a bundle of clothes in his hands. She gasped when he threw them into the creek. She watched her white bra fly through the air and her jean shorts and her t-shirt, all landing in the water softly with barely a splash.

“That’s what you get for not diving!” He laughed some more and stuck his tongue out when he did it, before turning and running back to where everyone else was putting their clothes back on.

“Just-“ She started to scream his name but realized it was no use. He didn’t care.

She stayed in the creek for a while and started to cry. She didn’t know why and she hated being so fucking girly, but she couldn’t help it. He was supposed to be her friend, supposed to be nice to her.

No, he wasn’t supposed to be nice and be her friend. He was supposed to be her fucking best friend. And he wasn’t anymore.

James was right. He had changed.

She swam to find her clothes floating in the water and soon she was struggling to put on her clothes in the creek. James had gotten out quickly after being pushed in and was already dressed and helped pull her up with her soaked, drenched clothes that weighed her down and made her feel tired. She hadn’t put on her bra. In fact, she hadn’t even searched for it, just left it in the water, floating down, winding up somewhere in the Mississippi with all the other trash and forgotten belongings in America.

While she took the front of her heavy shirt, pried it from her sticky, wet body and wringed it out, James sighed at her and said, “He’s just drunk, Katie. Just ignore him.”

When James turned to walk back to where everyone was, she mumbled to herself, “Easy for you to say.”

And now she was back by the car and truck, but by herself. James and Lindsey were talking, sharing a beer, smiling softly at each other, and while she watched them she wondered if they were getting back together. Justin and Nick were reenacting something out for the four other girls, who were giggling and annoying her.

She just rested on the edge of the back of Trace’s truck, legs pulled up and bent, cold but dry feet (he hadn’t thrown in her socks or shoes) resting on the edge and her arms were hugging her legs, her chin on her knees. She wondered if anyone of these stupid people had a cell phone she could use to call and get someone to pick her up and take her home. She sniffed and shivered when a breeze came through and chilled her to the bone.

They hadn’t thought to bring towels, but everyone else was much drier than her since she was the only one who had her clothed dropped into the creek.

No one seemed to care she was sitting there, alone with soaked clothes.

“You alright?”

Except for Trace.

“I’m freezing,” she said harshly. “And I kind of want to go home. I’m sorry. I know I’m a sore sport but that was not cool.”

“I’ll talk to him.” He shrugged and leaned back against the edge of the truck with her.

She didn’t want Trace trying to play peacemaker between them. As much as she loved Trace and knew he was family to her, Justin was his best friend and Trace would never get in between them. Hell, Justin didn’t even know she was mad at him, and he didn’t even seem to care.

And that’s what hurt the most, not that he threw her clothes in or that he tried to get her to dive in front of everyone, but because he had invited her here, he had asked her to come, and he didn’t even care. She was there to make everyone laugh and that was it.

It wasn’t because he wanted to talk to her or hang out or see his best friend, no.

No, because he had changed.

“No, whatever. He’s just being an asshole.”

“He’s kind of drunk.” Trace smiled at her.

“So are you, but you aren’t being mean.”

He laughed a little and leaned over to rub his hand vigorously on her wet head, making her hair scatter and a mess. “But I’m your cuz, buzz. Lemme see if I can find a towel in my truck.”

She smiled a thank you and he got up and turned, disappearing from view. She didn’t move to see if Trace had gone and told anyone to come talk to her or pay attention to her, or if he told Justin to stop being an ass. It didn’t matter.

They wouldn’t listen to him anyway. Plus she knew Trace was just trying to be nice to her because she was family. She knew Trace was probably trying his hardest to hook up with one of the girls that night, and she knew he probably would.

She knew Justin would, too.

She stared off at the dirt road in front of her that quickly turned to black. The car lights were on still, she could hear the radio coming from Trace’s truck, but it was dark in the back where she was sitting without any light shining her way. Her eyes had been adjusted for a while now. Lightening bugs were out, floating, glowing and the cicadas were humming loud and constant. Horror stories were told to kids in her town from the time they were children about being careful of the creeks that lead to the river. Stories of old ghosts and serial killers who killed as they traveled down the Mississippi and dropped the bodies in the river were passed down through generations in her town. And now, sitting there, staring out into the darkness, she almost wished some scary man would come up and grab her and take her away.

She wondered if then he’d care about leaving her alone.

Probably not.

She wondered if she just hopped off the truck bed and started walking down the dirt road if anyone would notice her missing.

She sighed. Shit, she’d probably have to drive them all back, too since everyone else was all drunk and she wasn't. No she was completely sober, cold, and alone.

“Here…”

When she heard his voice she thought she had imagined it. Seconds ago she could hear his laughter way behind her and now he was beside her. She turned her head slowly to the right and saw him standing there with a towel and a small smile. She took it and immediately started wiping the water off herself. She tried to dry her hair and finally just resorted to wrapping the towel around her shoulders and shivering. It was a ratty towel, an old faded beach towel and she didn’t know whose it was and didn't care that it smelled like car oil. It was dry and warmed her a little.

She didn’t speak to him and didn’t look at him.

“Are you mad at me?” She heard him ask softly and soon he was right in front of her, putting his hands on her damp, bare knees that were cold, but drier now because of the towel. He pouted at her.

“Yes,” she said, and he easily pushed at her knees to get them to drop so her legs dangled off the end of the truck and he was standing right in front of them.

She blinked, hoping the images of him naked and standing there on the bank would leave her mind, but when she looked down and saw his jeans, she could picture him without them and she had never been able to do that before.

“Katie…” He laughed a little to himself and she almost let out some noise of excitement, or fear or shock or something, when he leaned right into her and pressed his forehead against her shoulder. He moaned slightly and said, “I’m so drunk.”

“Yeah.” It was all she could say. Suddenly he was there with her, he was her best friend again like a sudden switch of weather, holding out a towel, leaning against her drunk and tired. His hands had moved from her knees to the truck bed on either side of her hips and he was breathing deeply.

“Don’t be mad,” he mumbled.

She sighed out, “I’m not.” And maybe it was the truth, maybe she wasn’t mad, maybe, just maybe she was jealous instead.

Or disappointed.

He was quiet, just breathing heavily and for a moment she wondered if he had fallen asleep. But then she felt his hands against her hips, gripping her a little as he started to roll his forehead back and forth along her shoulder, his damp curls brushing against her neck and chin while he hummed something to himself. And then he stopped moving and he was quiet.

She could hear a girl scream several feet away. She could hear Trace and James’s laughter, but she didn’t care.

“I kind of liked seeing you naked,” he said softly.

The hands she had resting in her lap, the fingers that were picking at each other’s nails stopped moving, and when she felt his own hands squeeze her hips just a little, she knew she wasn’t just hearing things.

“A lot,” he added.

“Wh-what…” It didn’t make sense. This was her Justin, her cocky, player-attitude, new Justin who was becoming famous and letting it go to his head. This was the Justin that was changing.

But it made so, so much sense. Because this was her Justin, hers and no one else’s. The boy leaning against her now was hers and the wheels in her head started slowly turning and then immediately were working in overdrive.

Maybe that’s why he invited her, maybe that’s why he wanted her to dive in front of everyone. Because he wanted to see her naked.

And maybe that’s why she came.

Because she wanted to see him as well.

He pulled back and his blue eyes were glassy but smiling into her brown ones. “And I’m glad you aren’t with Ryan anymore.”

She took in a breath, his thumbs were moving in the creases of her wet shorts where her torso bent from her thighs. His finger tips were slightly on her ass and he kept staring into her eyes.

“Justin you’re drunk,” she said, letting him know he was getting closer to her than he ever had before, even closer than when he'd give her those giant bear hugs.

But she also said the words to force herself not to get ahead, not to think too much about this. He was drunk and that was all.

“So that can be my excuse.”

He started to smirk and she knew it was going to happen even when she asked, “Excuse for what?”

She knew by the heavy look in his eyes, the slight smile on his face and the way his body was slowly leaning into her own that he was going to kiss her.

And he did. He squeezed her with his hands when his lips touched hers. He tasted good, rich, and she assumed it was from the beer. What tasted stale from the bottle, tasted good from his mouth. She wasn’t so innocent about kissing as she was with sex, and for some reason as soon as his lips were against hers their mouths were opened and they were really, really kissing.

It was slow though, not sloppy and rushed like most her kisses from Ryan had been, and any kiss before Ryan she considered not relevant because she was a freshman in high school and no one really knew how to kiss back then anyway.

But Justin knew. He was slow and let her taste his mouth and did the same with hers, taking his time and pulling back just slightly with his full lips only to dip back in and start over, tilting his head this way instead of that.

It should have shocked her and she should have pushed him away, especially with the way he had been acting that night. She had sort of wondered what it would be like to kiss him all that year and the year before when he started growing up, his voice getting deeper, his eyes darker, his smile brighter. No longer did he look so much like a little boy.

He was attractive, ‘totally hot’ as all the girls said at her school. But it was more than just hotness. He was handsome, his face wasn’t so baby-like any more. He was growing into it, into that nose he hated. His jaw was defined, there was a slight stubble against his chin and she knew he had to shave. She knew James hated it, complained about it all the time with her, told her if he knew his mom wouldn’t shoot him he’d grow a full beard. She even remembered last time when Justin came home they went to the store to get his mom some more milk and he picked up some razor blades while they were there.

Ryan only had to shave every few days and she knew he was slightly embarrassed by the fact that he couldn’t grow a full beard yet, especially since he was a year older than her and most of her guy friends.

Her hand came up to touch that stubble in that moment, to feel the slight, barely there roughness on the side of his face, to feel his jaw move underneath her palm as he kissed her.

It was natural.

The whole damn thing. He had been an asshole and even his pathetic attempts at flirting with her, which she now realized that’s what he was doing when asked her to “dive” and threw her clothes in the water—it was flirting, were forgotten. Sure he had retreated to middle school behavior with her, but not now.

Now he was her Justin, hers. And he was kissing her. All the feelings she had started to feel for him over the past two years exploded. It was a full fledge crush now, not something she tried to hide or push down. Not something she just brushed off as missing her best friend.

She liked him. She really liked him.

When her legs spread and his hands on her hips pulled her closer to the edge, she wasn’t sure what was going to happen, but when his crotch pressed against her own she gasped and pulled apart from him.

She had felt this with Ryan and while it always sparked her curiosity it had never made her excited before. And when he pressed it against her and smiled at her, licking his lips and the biting them, it made her ache.

She knew that ache. It was the ache that every week or two was getting stronger and stronger. She wasn’t sure what she was supposed to do with that ache, but somewhere in her she knew she’d find out. The ability to deal with it was somewhere in her, she just hadn’t discovered it yet.

She brought her hands around his neck and smiled at him. Here he was kissing her and even though he was drunk, she didn’t care. She wanted it. She wanted him. She liked it.

And he liked it, too.

She started to pull him forward and saw his smile drop and his mouth open a little, ready to kiss her again.

“Justinnnn….”

They both tensed.

“Where’d you go?” some girl slurred. Katie couldn’t even tell whose voice it was, they all sounded alike to her. He pulled back a little to look over around the truck and see who it was.

And she tightened her grip and pulled him back, squeezing his hips between her thighs. She didn’t know why she was doing it, why she was trying to force him to stay with her. She didn’t know what he wanted from her. If he wanted more she didn’t know if she would be able to give it, or if she wanted to.

But she didn’t want him to leave.

“Don’t,” she pleaded with him.

He glanced into her eyes and then back around her and the truck.

And then he sighed and she knew it was over. He didn’t have to say anything. She just knew.

“You're not like them Kate,” he said softly. “You’re a good girl..." She could feel him pull away and she wanted to cry.

She could feel it bubbling in her chest, heavier and heavier, pushing down on her shoulders yet pulling up in her throat.

He pulled his hands off her, running them against her thighs to her knees and then dropping his hands down by his sides. He didn’t look at her, he couldn’t. And she bit her lip to keep from letting out a sob.

It wasn’t fair. It just wasn’t fucking fair!

And then he stepped forward again, smiled and touched her face just lightly. He was looking right in her eyes now, dipping down a little, as if he were talking to a child. And that’s how she felt, childish.

“You’re a good girl.” He grinned at her, leaned in and kissed her cheek. “You’re special.”

And then he was gone, hand gone from her face, lips gone from her mouth, body gone from hers, eyes and smile gone from her view. She was left alone and she could hear someone go, “Where were you?” and another girl squealed, “oh my god Justin”.

She was all alone. He had left her all alone.

And he had kissed her.

It was just the first time, of many times where he would do both.

Early August, 1998

He was leaving the next day. And she didn't know what to do about it or if there was anything to do. They had kissed, yes, but that was more than a month and a half ago and he had yet to mention it. She knew he was drunk and he probably didn’t remember. But she had caught him staring at her on several occasions since them, especially while they were all hanging out at his mother's new pool. He hadn't really hung out with her as much as she used to. He was always busy with Trace or Nick or other...girls. She would of course hang out with James and he would often be around. James and him had returned from their camping trip two weeks ago, just the two of them, gone for a weekend. Katherine had confronted James and asked him if Justin seemed quiet or off to him. James told her she was being too sensitive, that Justin seemed fine to him. James said that she was over-thinking things becuase they hadn't hung out at all that summer. And he was right. Since he had come home they hadn't been alone, never really truly alone, just Justin and Katie, best friends again, back like they use to be.

She wondered if they would ever get back to how it used to be or if he had changed too much. If maybe her feelings were getting in the way of that friendship. She wondered if she’d ever be able to look at him like she used to.

And because they hadn't hung out, just them, all summer, and he was leaving tomorrow, she had had a very, very hard time holding in her excitement when he called her up an hour earlier and asked her what she was up to that afternoon. He had called her on the phone because he was bored. She could tell by his sudden interest in her life, in what she was up to. He told her he wanted out of the house because his mom was starting to fuss over him going away again, and he asked if he could come over and hang out. She said sure, and it wasn’t until she had hung up the phone that she remembered her parents were gone. She was home....alone.

And he was coming over. Alone.

She sat on the couch nervously putting her hair up in a pony tail, then pulling it down and then putting it up again. She kept mumbling to herself about how stupid she was being. This was Justin, it didn’t matter what she looked like or how she acted. They were friends. That was it.

She sat there curled up in a pair of shorts and a tank top, TV on, barely being watched, and she was completely freaked out. She had no idea that the boy driving his car only few houses down the street to her driveway was as nervous as she was. But he was clueless. He chalked it up to the tour, to leaving tomorrow, to having had something weird for lunch. But deep down he knew it was because he was going to see her.

While Katie understood her nerves were wrapped up in a crush, in the remembrance of what happened the last moment they were alone, and while he drove to her house clueless but anxious—neither of them realized what this afternoon would mean for them, how it would completely halt their friendship and ignite something new. Something exciting. Something both of them had been craving.

Something so fucking flawed.

She bit and picked at her nails, chipping the clear polish off of them. Time seemed to slow down and she almost started to laugh. She was acting ridiculous. This was just Justin. Just him. If it were James she’d be yawning, completely into whatever was on the TV and when he’d show up she’d just wave at him and he’d sit on the floor or on a chair and they’d just sit there, silent for minute until he’d finally stand up off the couch and ask, “wanna soda?” It wouldn’t be awkward and she wouldn’t be debating in her mind what to say or how to act.

It’s just Justin, she kept thinking to herself.

Suddenly there was a knock on the front door that startled her. Normally he would just come through the garage, open the screen door and call into the house as he walked in, "It's Justin." But the garage door was down this afternoon, and she had forgotten. She sat on the couch and waited for him to turn the knob and come in. The door was unlocked.

But he didn't let himself in. She had to stand off the couch and pad over to the front door and pull the door open. It drained her of all her energy and she was breathing heavily by the time the door was opened.

He was standing there, bright smile, sunglasses over his eyes were moved to his head. It was weird, the various bright colored jerseys she had seen him in all summer were gone and he was there in just a pair of loose jeans and a white shirt.

"Hey," he said simply, and she said it back as he walked past her into the house, smelling like cologne. His face looked soft, and he was chewing gum. She shut the door and closed her eyes. He was in her house, alone.

The last time they were alone they had kissed, and it wasn’t just a kiss.

It was a kiss.......

And he had left her stranded and alone.

When she turned he was on her couch, sprawled out, arms over the back of the couch, legs spread, sunglasses thrown onto the coffee table. "What's up, girl? Where's mom and pops?"

She bit her lip and cautiously walked towards him, perching herself on the arm of the sofa. She was so nervous and he seemed so calm, relaxed, just like always.

“Oh, they went into Little Rock for the day." When she looked at him, he was staring right at her, blue eyes piercing through her. She darted her gaze to the floor. "They won’t be back until nine or ten."

"Oh."

It was quiet, that was all he said.

The TV was on low, a commercial for a local used car dealership played and she looked at it until it went off. It was still quiet. They hadn't said anything. He had only moved his relaxed position to a more closed one, legs together, leaning over his thighs, elbows to his knees, hands rubbing together.

She turned to him sharply and he was still staring at her. "So do you want something to eat or drink?"

"Um, sure." He nodded at her and she noticed him stare at her for a moment and then look down her body and then scratch the back of his head. That was a nervous habit of his and she had to wonder what in the hell he was thinking.

She slid off the arm of the couch and moved towards the kitchen, calling out to him, "What do you want? We've got the usual, and I don’t think dad will notice his beers missing if you want one."

She smiled over her shoulder at him. She was starting to feel more relaxed now that he was here and everything was normal. And now that she knew he might possibly be a little nervous, too made her not feel so awkward. It didn’t make sense to her, but she tried not to question it. He was following her now and seemed more relaxed. He smiled a mischievous, lopsided grin at her.

"Are you gonna drink, too?"

She shrugged. "If you are."

They entered the kitchen and she walked to the fridge as he walked over to the trash can in the corner, pressed the toe of his sneakers into the foot lever and spat his gum out into it. The lid shut with a loud thud and he went to lean against the counter. "I am not going down alone here if we get caught drinking your dad's beer..."

"They won’t be back for like eight hours." She smiled at him and handed him a can. She was unsure why she even wanted to drink beer. That summer it seemed to be around her and her friends more than ever. She hated beer. The taste disgusted her. But drinking with Justin seemed exciting in her mind, even though he did it all the time now. She figured it was something they could share, a little Katie and Justin moment. Those had been lacking lately.

"Okay." He took the beer from her hand and popped the tab, sucking on the opening quickly. She followed his actions and stood there in silence for a while, drinking, wishing she had something not so stale tasting. But she did enjoy how he looked drinking it, his jaw defined while he gulped, his strong neck taking the fluid down. She bit her lip and looked away.

These thoughts just kept coming and they wouldn’t stop. She needed them to stop. She needed to stop picturing him naked.

She needed to stop remembering his words from that night.

“I kind of liked seeing you naked...”

She blinked and looked up at him

“...a lot.”

All of a sudden he nodded at her and silently waved his arm at her as he turned and walked back into the den.

She followed him and asked, "Are you excited about going on tour with the group again?" He plopped on the couch and patted the space right beside him and she mindlessly fell down on the cushions next to him, curling up her legs for a moment before reaching forward for the remote to channel surf.

He responded to her after a heavy sigh, "Yeah, you know touring is so...so, just something that I wish everyone could experience. It's like nothing you have ever done before."

She nibbled on her lip. She didn’t know how touring was. She wanted him to tell her. She wanted to be apart of that life with him or at least have him share it. But he assumed that he had spent as much time with her that summer as he had other friends….other girls. But she barely knew more than what she did two months ago before he came back.

She just knew what he looked like naked now.

And she knew how his mouth tasted.

He seemed so much older in that moment, drinking his beer, talking about touring and experiences. Suddenly she wished she could travel the world with him. Hell she didn’t care, she just wished she could be with him more often.

She licked her lips. She wanted to kiss him again. But she knew that was out of the question. “We're gonna miss you around here though, Rids."

He lazily turned his head to her and he smiled, "You think I don't miss home when I am out there?" His smile faded a little and he awkwardly nudged her with his elbow. "I miss this place and you guys more than you know"

"Riddy Please..." She rolled her eyes. "You’re too busy off doing crazy things to even think about it." She giggled a little at the thought in her head and covered her mouth when she said it, "too busy off banging all those ‘Nsync groupies."

She couldn’t believe she was letting him, in a very subtle way, know that she had thought about him having sex before. She covered her mouth with her hand and kept laughing. She felt silly and weird, awkward and childish.

"I don't sleep with the girls..." He smiled, laughed and then cringed a little, still grinning at her. "I actually, and this is going to be a little embarrassing, but I haven't had sex since my last girlfriend, four months ago."

She couldn’t help her giggles and nervous laughter which seemed to erupt under her hand. So it was true. She figured he had, she figured him and Veronica had had sex, but to hear him really say it made him seem....she didn’t know, so...so different.

Then she thought to herself, maybe it wasn’t Veronica. Maybe it was Danielle. Maybe it was someone she didn’t even know about. Maybe it was a lot of girls.

"Yeah…so embarrassing." She laughed sarcastically. He sounded so much older, ‘oh it had been four months’. She hadn’t even done it yet and here he was embarrassed by it being a while. She was suddenly embarrassed of being a virgin and that was something she had never felt before.

She was proud of it with Ryan. Wanted to wait. Wanted to keep it when she was with him and nothing was going to change her mind. And now with Justin sitting right by her, she couldn’t stop thinking….things.

"For a guy it is..." he said defensively. She just sat there quietly. Her and Justin hadn’t talked about that part of their lives. This...this was a first even talking about sex with each other. They hadn’t really ever discussed girlfriends or boyfriends or sex or anything like that. And now, all of a sudden, alone, it was the only topic of conversation.

It was like it was destined to come up.

And then he asked, "What about you?"

She gulped and felt her face tingle. She knew what he was asking and she knew she couldn’t tell him. It would be too embarrassing and even though she still considered him her best friend, even though it hadn’t seemed that way all summer, it wasn’t something he had any business knowing.

"What about me what?" she said quickly.

"When was the last time?" He raised his eyebrows at her and sipped some more on his beer. She had abandoned her can to the coffee table, only a few sips had been drunk. She stared at him and couldn’t believe him. He was looking at her so genuinely.

He assumed she had had sex.

She didn’t want to tell him the truth. Something about it just seemed off, like he would think her naive or stupid, not one of the cool girls he had hung out with all summer, or one of the girls from Florida or on tour. They were different from her.

They always would be.

She cleared her throat, stood off the couch and moved to the cabinets by the TV. "Maybe we should watch a movie."

She didn’t have to see him to know he was giving a crazy look. She heard him drag out, “ooooookay."

She opened the cabinet and stared at all the movie boxes, trying to breathe deeply, "What do you want to watch?"

They picked out some action movie and she only half paid attention. She sat on the couch away from him and curled up into herself, trying to forget everything that had just happened. Trying to ignore the awkward silence between them now as the beginning credits rolled of Mission Impossible.

But Justin wasn’t able to ignore it. And he couldn’t forget it. He wanted to know why she was being distant, why she had been distant all summer.

He stared at her as she watched the movie and finally he just looked back at the TV screen and asked, “You never answered me...” She was quiet, and he looked over at her to see her face a little pink, her teeth nibbling on her bottom lip. “When was your last time?"

Immediately he knew he shouldn’t have asked. She was staring at him, narrowed eyes, angry. "God, why does it matter to you?"

He didn’t think it would be a bad thing to ask. They were friends, close, close friends and he hadn’t gotten to spend as much time with her that summer as he had hoped. He…things had prevented it.

Things had gotten awkward.

"I just want to know," he said quietly, just looking at her.

"What do you think Justin?" She asked in an angry tone and raised her hands to smack them back against her thighs, glaring at him. “Not everyone is all experienced as you."

"Wait..." He understood now. And he felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. But her and Ryan… "You mean, you've never?"

"Why? Would you expect me to have?!" she asked defensively and he felt horrible. He didn’t want her thinking he thought she was a whore or something.

He just thought her and Ryan were that serious.

She was biting her lips now and he couldn’t help but stare at them. Memories started to flood him. One memory in particular that he was trying his best to forget. He had been drunk and stupid.

But he had known exactly what he wanted.

He moved his gaze from her lips to her eyes and said, "I just thought - I mean, I don't know what I mean. I just thought you and Ryan..." He couldn’t finish, she was distracting him too much, and suddenly be became very aware of the fact that she was only wearing small shorts and a tank top and her hair was pulled back from her face, exposing her long, slender neck.

She had always been a very cute girl, almost annoyingly cute when she was little with a bright smile, dimples and huge dark eyes. Now…now she was…

Well, she wasn’t just a cute little girl anymore.

He sucked in a breath and didn’t realize that he was leaning closer to her, his one arm over the back of the couch, leaning closer to her. He blinked and focused in on her. She was staring at him, eyes watery and voice quiet, "Is that why you came over?"

It had never been like this with them. There had never been tension. It was his fault, his fucking fault for inviting her out that night to go swimming.

It was his fault for wanting to see her naked. It was his fault for looking.

And his fault for kissing her.

But God…she kissed him back.

"God no!" he said quickly and her eyes blinked, and she seemed hurt in an instance, as if he had just broken her heart or something. He didn’t understand. She crossed her arms over her chest and looked away from him. "Kate..."

She said harshly, "Maybe you should go home."

"Yea, maybe." He didn’t know why he said it, but he did and soon he was standing up, slowly walking back towards her front door, hanging his head and fishing for his keys in his pocket. Maybe she was jealous, or maybe she was angry. Maybe she thought that’s what he had done all summer, fucked around with all those girls. Maybe…maybe he had really hurt her that night swimming.

He hadn’t really thought about it that way. He tried not to let it get to him that she kissed him back and asked him not to go. He just, he didn’t want to take advantage of her.

But now, looking at her closed off and sad, he had to wonder if maybe she wanted that.

No, no he needed to calm down. This was Katie. She didn’t see him like that.

He couldn’t understand what had happened, what was happening, but things were different between them and he didn’t like it.

“No…” He stopped in front of the door and turned to see her standing up, coming towards him with a compassionate look on her face. “Don’t. I’m sorry.”

She was right beside him and he turned to her. She was staring up at his face and he couldn’t take his eyes off of her. Suddenly, he was smiling at her and he wanted to touch her. He tried to tell himself to stop, but his hand moved to her arm and held her there lightly. “Remember that night we all went swimming..."

She didn’t look away, but her face reddened and she whispered back to him, "Vaguely.”

He stepped closer and held her arm tighter, shaking his head and saying, "I didn’t sleep with those girls that night, Katie." He didn’t know why he was telling her this, it didn’t matter. She hadn’t even mentioned those other girls.

But he wanted her to know that, that that night…it was all about her, he was just too stupid to let her know that.

He sucked in a breath and let out quickly, "I made out with two of them, but...but after, after, after I saw you...” He chewed on his lip, having trouble saying this without stuttering. “After I saw you swimming and then when you let me kiss you I just...I couldn’t do anything more."

Her eyes rolled and she laughed bitterly, her arms coming across her chest again. "Didn’t know I was that big of a turn off."

He pulled his hand away and said, "You don’t get it do you?" It was getting too heavy in there for him and he felt hot and his face was burning. He rubbed it with both of his hands and sighed.

She was looking off to the side and it made it a little easier for him to admit this to her without those eyes looking at him, "I've been trying, trying so hard to get up the courage to kiss you again this summer."

Her mouth opened and shut and her eyes turned to stare right into his.

She couldn’t believe it. Staring at him, staring at her, she couldn’t believe it. She licked her lips and took a step back and sat down on the couch.

He…he wanted to kiss her?

She crossed her arms over her stomach and tried not to stare at him as he walked around the coffee table and came in between it and the couch and sat down right beside her.

He sat up on the edge of it and turned back to look at her leaning back against the couch, completely shocked.

She wanted to hear it. She’d been wanting to hear it. And now, knowing that he was leaving the next day and that all summer while she had been thinking about kissing him and wanting to kiss him, he had been thinking the same things about her, the whole summer suddenly seemed to be very, very wasteful.

"You probably don’t see me in that way, do you?"

She stared at him and said in a very quiet voice, "I never said that."

And just like that they both started to realize and they both knew that the attraction they had felt for each other that summer was mutual. No longer were they awkward, no longer was there tension.

They were just Justin and Katie again, quiet, relaxed, but never the same.

She was smiling to herself but wouldn’t look at him, and the more he looked at her the more he started to smile and he licked his lips and said, “So if I kissed you, you wouldn’t push me away?"

Her eyes darted to his and she gulped and shook her head, whispering, “No.”

With that said between them he sat back against the couch, right beside her. Their shoulders were touching and he stared in front of him, feeling awkward, not really about being with her, but awkward about trying to decide how to start this. He was determined to kiss her now.

He just had to figure out how.

He rolled his head over towards her and she was still staring right in front of her, both hands flattened, palms touching and tucked in between her thighs. She wouldn’t stop licking her lips, and he could tell by the look in her face that she was nervous or scared or both.

“Kate…”

She wouldn’t look at him, only said, "Yes?"

He started to smile to himself because he knew her so well. He could read her mind and he was right in his assumptions. She wanted this but she didn’t want to start it, she was waiting on him. He was going to have to do that.

And he wanted to. And he did start it. He was always starting it.

He leaned in a little and touched her cheek, turning her head towards his. She was now just staring at him and he moved his head up close to hers and stared at her only for a moment before pressing his lips against hers in a very tense, tight kiss.

He stroked her cheek with his fingers, pulled back and rubbed his nose against hers, feeling her sigh against his lips. “Relax…” he whispered. “It’s just me."

She whispered close to him and he could feel her breath against his lips and it made him want her, "But...but you’re so experienced and I’ve...” She swallowed hard. “I mean I’ve just made out with Ryan."

He licked his lips and smiled at her, "Katie we're just kissing..."

He pulled back for a second and looked at her fully, trying to read whatever she was trying to tell him with her eyes. His hand dropped from her face and he opened his mouth to ask her if she was ok, but he didn’t have the chance. She leaned into him and pressed her lips back against his, her hands on his shoulders.

She opened her mouth against his and he moaned.

It was just like that night at the creek but better, so much better. He kissed her deeply and she kissed him back, over and over.

And before they both realized it she had lost all her insecurities, the tight, small kisses they had started with were gone and both mouths were open, tongues wild and breathing hard. Her hands grabbed his shirt and she moved to sink down on the couch and to pull him on top of her.

He couldn’t believe that Katie was this good at it, that she knew what to do even though she claimed inexperience. Her mouth and body claimed otherwise. He laid on top of her on the couch, and her legs spread for him and he settled his weight against her, liking the soft groan she made when their hips connected. She felt good and warm and smooth underneath him and he smiled at himself, kissing her, amazed that finally, fucking finally he was able to make out with his Katie.

He had been wanting to all summer. He couldn’t get it out of his mind, every time he’d see her he’d get curious but end up ignoring her, trying to hide his feelings, trying to block the images in his mind of her naked and wet, swimming in the creek.

He didn’t get to see much of her, but enough, just enough.

Just enough to spend the summer jacking off to visions of her at night. Just enough to need to kiss her now, to touch the outside of her thigh, to feel her lips against his neck and to push his crotch into hers. She was breathing heavy underneath him and it turned him on and easily made him hard. Her arms were around his middle holding his back, fingers pressing harder every time he’d press against her hips. He didn’t even think when he pushed a hand up her shirt and bra and touched her breast. He didn’t even ask if it was ok for him to do it.

He didn't have to.

She moaned into his mouth in response and he kept touching her, feeling the harden nipple under his palm, pressing against it and massaging, keeping her moaning.

They moved in a rough friction against each other, moaning into kisses, hands clutching and grabbing.

Neither of them realized they’d be this needy with each other. But they were, they were devouring each other.

He pulled his lips away from her. No woman had ever felt this good to him. He smiled to himself, he had never really considered her a woman before, but that’s…that’s what she was to him now.

His Katie had grown up.

He pressed his lips against the crook of her neck and opened his mouth against her there, sucking slightly as his hand kept touching her breasts.  They were soft and felt good in his hands.
 
Her skin was warm and tasted sweet. Her hands skimmed up his back to the base of his neck and she ran her fingers through his hair, making him groan. 

And then she whispered in his ear, "Let's go to my room..."

Everything stopped.
 
He pulled back and looked down into her eyes, her hips were rubbing against his slowly and her hands were stroking against his neck and arm.  She was smiling through lazy eyes.
 
There was no doubt in her mind what she wanted.  And he knew.  He knew without her asking.
 
Suddenly he felt like a fool for ignoring her all summer.  He felt like a fool for waiting this long to be with her like this.
 
“What are..." He started to ask and then stopped because he knew.  He fucking knew.
 
Both of them thought it would be awkward.  In fact, his first time was, he was young and curious and so was his girlfriend, and after a few awkward whispers and less than five minutes in total from first kiss to finish, it was over.  Katherine always assumed the first time was supposed to be awkward, that was just how it was.  It was supposed to be a little unpleasant. 
 
She wondered if maybe that’s why she had put it off for so long.
 
But with him it wasn’t awkward and it wasn’t unpleasant.
 
It was right.
 
He smiled at her and leaned down to kiss her once.  He pulled back and said softly to her, “Katherine, are you sure you want it to be me?�
 
Her arms went around his neck and she pulled him down to her in a hug and said against his ear. “Don’t question it.�
 
Her hands skimmed down his back and made it to the hem of his shirt and she started to tug the material up when his lips started kissing along her jaw.  He kissed her mouth as she started to push his shirt up his back, palms running up his skin with the action.  He pulled back and whispered, “Wait. We're not gonna do this on a couch, ok?�
 
She blinked, bit her lip and that nervous look came back again.  He smiled at her and pushed himself off her, sitting up on his knees in between her legs.  He stumbled off the couch and held his hand out to her, pulling her up.
 
They walked hand in hand down the hallway from the den towards her room.  The door was open and he stopped in the doorway and she stood behind him.  Her room was cluttered with clothing and other things on the floor and bed. 
 
He had seen her room before, but now she was embarrassed about it, embarrassed about the mess, how her bed was unmade and cluttered—multiple stuffed animals were everywhere.  It was girly and childish and she wished they were at his house, in his room, instead of her own.
 
Her mother had even told her that her room needed to be clean by the time they got home.  She glanced at the clock on her nightstand.  Good, she still had time.
 
They still had plenty of time.
 
"It’s messy, sorry," she said quietly.
 
He looked down at her and smiled, "It's not that bad."  He kept her hand in his and walked further in the room, pushing off some of the clothes and things that were scattered on her bed with his free hand.  He sat on the edge of it and pulled her in between his knees.  He smiled up at her and held both her hands in his.
 
She looked nervous again and when she said, "What do I need to do?"  He smiled at her and pulled her closer, wrapping his arms around her middle and smiling up at her.
 
There wasn’t a question in his mind of whether he should do this with her or not, whether this was “right� or not. 
 
‘Cause it felt right and even though he knew she was unsure of what she should do, he knew she was very sure of what she wanted to do.
 
"Just relax yourself...�  He licked his lips and moved his gaze to her breasts that he had felt a few minutes ago.  He smiled to himself, they looked nice and round in her tank.  “Just feel."
 
She laughed a little and put her hands against his shoulders.  "Easy for you to say."
 
He moved his gaze back up to her eyes and saw now how she was smiling, but she was still nervous and he knew why.  She had no idea what she was doing, literally and he did.  He wasn’t an expert, but he had had sex with two girls and knew more about what was supposed to happen than she did.
 
He said, "It’s not that easy for me to say.  Just..."  He sighed a little and pushed himself back against the bed and pulled her down with him and she came willingly.  They wound up on their sides facing and he didn’t waste anytime, moving his hand over her hip, touching her lower back under her shirt and leaning over her, kissing her slowly.
 
They continued the make out session that had begun on the couch.  He resettled himself between her legs and the moans and sighs returned.  It felt good for them to be together like that and a hell of a lot more natural than either of them would have thought.  And neither of them would admit it.
 
It would take them years to admit it.
 
He pulled back from her mouth and smiled at her.  Rolling them back over to their sides, facing, legs tangled, mouths close.  “Have you done...anything with a guy?" He wasn’t trying to make her feel pressured or awkward but he needed to know.  He needed to know so he could ease her into this at the right pace.
 
She responded with a whispered, shy, “I've made out before."
 
"So a guy’s never touched you...�  He looked down her body and ran his fingers right above the rim of her shorts, back and forth across the smooth, tanned skin of her stomach.  He looked back up in her eyes and whispered.  “Here?"
 
“Justin..."
 
It was whiny and quiet, and he leaned in to kiss her and said against her lips, “I'm not gonna hurt you." He suddenly had a need to touch her there.  Clearly she liked the feeling from the way her hips would rub against his own, but he needed to know how she felt.
 
He kissed her and she responded eagerly, getting more and more eager and moaning as she felt his fingers working at the button and zipper of her shorts.  He undid them easily and slid his hand inside, holding onto her hip first, pushing down the material just a smidge with the movement of his hand going inside.
 
She pulled back, her eyes were wide and she stared right at him.  He wasn’t smiling at her, his mouth was slightly opened, but when she moved back flat on her back and his hand moved from her hip to the front of her underwear, she kept looking and she could tell he was liking this.
 
And then his hand moved down and in between.  The pressure of his hand down there and the feel of him cupping her through her panties, rubbing her just slightly with is palm and fingers was almost too much at first.  She sighed and let out a small “oh� and he kept staring at her.  His mouth was opened slightly and he was breathing loud.
 
“You’re…you’re wet.�
 
She wanted to ask if that was good, or if that was bad, but she knew the answer when he scooted closer and started rubbing his fingers more diligently against the fabric of her panties.  It…it felt good.
 
It felt more than good.  She was aching, she felt as if deep inside her needed to be touched or massaged.  It was almost like a cramp, but I was a good kind.
 
And the more he touched her and the more he pressed the front of his jeans into her hip the better it felt.
 
His lips pressed against her neck and his hand moved.
 
She wanted to tell him not to stop, that she liked it, that it felt good.
 
But then…then her flesh felt his fingers.  Her panties were pushed out of the way and she moaned out loud when his hand touched her privately.  She closed her eyes and lived inside the feel of his fingers and the way he said “shit� quietly against her ear.
 
He was pressing hard now and when she looked at him she saw his other hand had undone his pants and it was buried inside, moving in the crotch of his jeans.
 
She breathed deep and turned to look at him, his eyes were glued to where his hand was in her shorts and she smiled at him.  She didn’t know why but suddenly she felt bold, she felt completely comfortable.  She wanted this.
 
She wanted him. 
 
“Can we get undressed?� 
 
His eyes rose to hers and she smiled at him.  He started to smile back at her and his hand left her shorts and she bit her lip at him as she sat up on the bed and took her shirt off, staring at him. 
 
It was almost a game.  Her shirt came off and then he took off his own.  Both sitting up on the bed, shorts and pants undone, staring at one another.  She reached down and pushed her shorts down her legs and smiled when she saw him looking over her body as he pushed his jeans down his legs.  He had on these tight boxers and she could see it in them, outlined, hard, poking against the fabric. 
 
She almost giggled staring at it, but before she got the chance he had dove for her, lips against each others, his hands on her back, pulling at her bra, undoing it and releasing it from her skin.  He pulled back and looked at her, rubbing his hands over her breasts, fingering the hard nipples.  His hands felt good on her body, sexy and smooth.  She liked his fingers and how they would play and slide against her.
 
He seemed to know what he was doing.  His body and hands worked skillfully, but his mouth was slightly opened and his eyes were wide as they washed over her body. 
 
She smiled to herself.  There was a confidence that was building inside of her the more he looked at her and touched her, and she put her hands against her hips and pushed down on the pink material of her underwear, curling up her knees to pull them off.  She threw her underwear to the floor and reached out to him, wanting to feel his body against hers.
 
He whispered, “Shit...� when she pulled her body up to his, but he wouldn’t let her get too close.  He held her at a distance and looked all over her body, licking his lips at her.  His eyes glued to the part of her between her thighs and he looked back up at her and smiled.
 
He laughed a little and pulled himself closer, pushing the front of his boxers into her thighs.
 
“You’re so fucking hot,� he said, his hands holding the heavy globes of her breasts.  It was weird in her mind that having him touch her didn't feel weird.  It didn’t make her feel shy or nervous.  It was like his hand was supposed to be on her skin, somewhere.
 
Getting naked with him wasn’t awkward, maybe because they had seen each other before at the creek. But this was so much different from then, and she felt so much more relaxed.

She laughed at him and whispered, “I wanna see it again.�
 
His eyebrows bunched, “Again?�
 
She bit her lip but smiled, reaching out to touch him.  “I saw it when we went skinny dipping.� 
 
“Oh…� he said, sucking in a breath when her fingers brushed against his erection. She pulled back her hand and he nodded at her.  She almost giggled.  He seemed more nervous than she did now.
 
It was such a change from the confident, drunk and naked Justin on the bank of the creek.   “Ok.�
 
He pushed down his underwear and kicked them from his feet.  She smiled at how it looked now, up-close.  It bounced slightly when it was freed from the material and it looked long and thick.
 
It curved slightly but stood up and away from his body.  She sat up beside him as he laid back against the pillows.  She kept her eyes on it, she couldn’t look away.
 
It was…odd.  But intriguing. 
 
She glanced up at his face and he was licking his lips, staring at her as his fingers nervously twitched resting against his chest.
 
She smiled at him and sat up even more just staring at it.  She liked it.
 
It was different up close.  She noticed the change of colorization from base to tip, how his hair though bleached blonde on his head was dark around it, how underneath the balls were soft and looked delicate.
 
Her favorite part was how it looked, standing, straining, how there was a ridge on it before the head rounded into a smooth point.
 
Her hand seemed to have an instinctive desire to reach out, but before she touched it she looked up at him and snapped her fingers back a little, asking him silently if she could.  He nodded at her and her fingertips moved forward.
 
Her tiny hand wrapped around the shaft and he expelled a heavy sigh.  She glanced at him and just held him for a moment, enjoying the heat coming from it, the firmness, yet smooth texture.  “It’s soft.�
 
He laughed quietly and asked, “It is?�
 
She let go of her grip and ran her fingers over it, liking how the skin slightly moved with her touch, really liking how he sucked in a breath when she did it.  The skin was flexible and interesting, almost as if it was merely a covering for the hardness underneath, but not attached tightly like the skin on the rest of his body. 
 
“Yeah, well, I mean…it’s …� She laughed a little and said, “I didn’t know it would be like smooth and soft.  I didn’t know the skin would move on it.  I like it.�
 
She felt one of his hands touching and brushing against her inner thigh and he said in a playful voice, “You feel smooth and soft, too.�
 
“Stop...�  She brushed his hand away.
 
“Why?�
 
“Just let me…�  She stopped and stared at him, her hands now pushing at his own, trying to keep him from touching her.  In reality she wanted him to touch her, but in a way she wanted to concentrate on him.  She wanted to explore.  She was curious.
 
She wanted to see how a man’s body worked.  “You’ve done this before, I haven’t, ok?�
 
“But not with you Katie, I haven’t done this with you. I wanna see you.� She ignored him and touched him again, wrapping her hand around the base, squeezing. 

“Kate…� He sighed, and she loved the way it sounded coming from his mouth.  She wanted to hear it again.
 
“Show me, Justin,� she said using his name and not his nickname.  Nicknames were for children, and she was shedding her innocence every second that afternoon.  She kept her one hand around him and with her other hand she grabbed one of his own and brought it close to his penis, placing it around her hand that was holding him. 
 
She could hear him groan when his hand covered hers.  He gripped her fingers and moved up. She let him guide her hand, stroking him slow, putting pressure on her hand to grip him more.
 
She liked the way their hands looked, clasped together, working over him, making him feel good.
 
She glanced at his face and his eyes were closed and his lip was tucked in between his teeth.  Yeah, she was making him feel good and that made her feel good.  She smiled when his hand left hers and just grabbed her thigh.  She kept her hand moving over him and gripped a little harder, stroking a little faster, loving how he groaned in response to her actions.
 
The harder she did it, the more noises he’d make, the more his face would contort. And suddenly his eyes focused in on her and he shook his head and his hand covered hers, “Shit, not…not too hard…�
 
She stopped and pulled her hand away.  Fear and nerves washed over her instantly.  She had done something wrong. “Sorry.�
 
“No, no…�  He sighed and when she looked at him she saw he was blushing.  “I just don’t wanna cum yet.�
 
The fear was replaced by curiosity and she felt happy knowing that she was close to making him lose it.  She knew that was a good thing, that that was the point: to make him feel so good he’d cum.
 
She smiled and leaned down against him, pushing her naked body against his, rubbing on him in a feline manner.  She smiled close to him and said, “Why not?�
 
He just stared at her and she leaned in and kissed him, moving her hand down over his chest and stomach all the way until she was touching him again, gripping him and stroking him softer this time, but still doing it at a good pace.
 
“Shit…are…�  He choked out a little, “Are you sure you haven’t done this before?�
 
She giggled and kept kissing him and stroking him, unaware of what she was doing to him.
 
She was making him an addict, reeling him into obsession with her body and her kisses and how she was making him feel.  It’s what would keep him coming back year after year.  This was natural for her, for him.  Being like this with her was natural.  She was being eased into sex that afternoon, yet it wasn’t weird for her. She was cautious yes, but it wasn’t awkward.  She was curious and sexy.  It was like she was this natural sexual being and he was letting her really, truly be herself with him.  And that turned him on.
 
She was a sexual person, he realized that now, and she wanted to be that way with him.  And he couldn’t deny her that.  And the pleasure and the feeling was way, way too much and too good for him to say no.
 
Soon curiosity led to want.
 
And want led to need.
 
Most of the girls he had done this with just laid there and let him control them.  He was always one to set the pace and the tone.  But Katie was curious and she explored, and her hand on him and the way she was kissing him and touching him turned him on more than anything else ever had.  No girl had been this active with him.  No girl had made him feel this good.
 
Even though he had been with girls who had had a lot more experience than Katie, she was trying, she was fucking trying and that meant a lot.
 
“No…I don’t have experience.�  She smiled against his mouth and pulled back a little, stroking him now at a quick pace.  “It just…I’m just doing what feels good.  Am I doing it right?�
 
He groaned, “Shit...shit yes…God…� His voice rumbled in his chest and he relaxed completely on his back, and she kissed against his neck and shoulders and worked her hand over him quickly and hard.  He bit his lip and strained, trying to hold out.  Trying to last.  But she was working him so hard, harder than anyone had before.
 
And when he’d looked over from her tiny hand against his hard dick, her breasts were round and sloping gently against her body, pressing into his side, and she was looking up at his face, just staring at him with those wide eyes, smiling just slightly.
 
She liked this.  She liked making him feel good.
 
“You…you gotta stop or I’m gonna…�
 
She whispered against him and he felt her lips against his ear, teeth tugging on his earring just slightly. “I wanna see it happen.�
 
“Ka-Kate…� He groaned.  Where was this girl from?  Where in the hell had she come from?  He looked over at her and she was just smiling at him and he gulped hard.  He couldn’t take it.  Her hand was moving so fucking fast, squeezing and swiping and he couldn’t take it.  His voice started to choke a little as he looked into her face.  He watched her smile fade and her eyes looked down at him, astonished.
 
It was a weird sight to watch his dick spasm all in her hand and she kept stroking until she heard him say in a raspy, loud voice, “Oh fuck.�  White, sticky, hot liquid spurt from the small opening at the tip of his penis and coated her fingers and hand, spotting a little against his thighs and covering his dick.
 
He was sighing and his stomach muscles were contracting.  She kept stroking him until she heard a quiet, harsh, “Stop.�
 
She pulled her hand back and didn’t know what to do with it.  She didn’t know it would be that messy.  She watched his face and he was breathing hard and a small film of sweat had covered his body.  She laid her head against his shoulder and could hear his heart thudding from his chest.  His dick was twitching just slightly in time with his heart beat and she just laid there, holding her hand up at little.  It was a little tired and her wrist kind of ached from working him so hard.
 
She pressed her lips against his neck and he sighed out, coughing just slightly, “Just…just give me a minute.�
 
“It’s sticky,� she whispered.
 
“Get a rag and clean it up.� He sighed and then turned to her and smiled, “Please.�  She smiled back at him and slid off the bed, now really feeling naked with the cool air from the A/C hitting her as she walked into the bathroom connected to her room.  She rinsed her hand off in the sink, having to scrub at it a little as the water seemed to make the mess stick a little harder to her skin. Soon she was cleaned up and she took a washcloth with her back into the room.
 
She stopped a little and swallowed, just staring at Justin naked on her bed.
 
She never thought it would have gone this far.  But she liked it. She liked seeing him naked on her bed.
 
And she knew it wasn’t over. 
 
She felt smooth and silky all over, and slick in between. She sat on the bed beside him, her legs bent and curled underneath her.  She ran the washcloth lightly over his thighs and penis.  He made a little quick moaning sound when she brushed the soft cloth against him, but then she threw the rag on the floor and she curled up to him.
 
Her leg rested over his thigh, careful not to bump into his penis and she looked up in his face, holding her hand over the center of his chest.
 
She glanced down for a moment, eyes following the fine line of hair down.  She saw that he had softened a little.  He was now half the size of what he was, and he was red down there and it laid limply against the corner of his hip.
 
“Can I ask you something stupid?� she said to him.
 
He took in a breath and her head and hand moved as his chest expanded and then contracted.  “What?�
 
“Am I supposed to be like…�  She turned up her nose a little and whispered, “…really wet down there?�
 
“Yes…� he said quietly, and then he closed his eyes and started smiling to himself brightly, chanting, “Yes, yes, yes.�  She smiled at herself, feeling as if she had done something good.  She had done something good.  She had made him feel good, but now she didn’t know what to do so she just laid there and waited for him to make the move.
 
After a few quiet minutes he licked his lips at her and turned up on his side, asking, “Can I feel?�
 
She smiled and nodded at him, “You don’t have to ask.�
 
His hand smoothed over her belly and they switched the positions they had formerly held.  Now she was flat on her back and he was curled up to her.  His hand moved down in between her thighs and rubbed her there slowly, the tips of his fingers probing against her slippery folds.  She kept her legs tight and straight against the bed because it felt good when her legs were stretched out and strained.
 
But then he whispered, “Spread your legs.� She did and his hand fit more comfortable against her, fingers sliding, palm pressing.  And it felt so good that she started to push her body down against his hand.
 
And she started to sigh.
 
Then suddenly she felt pressure and she gasped when she felt one slender finger invade her and stay.  She looked at him wide eyed, and he looked back at her, silently asking her if this was ok.  At first her body was confused, shocked a little by the intrusion, but then she got use to the feel; and when his finger moved out slightly and back in she liked it and showed her appreciation by groaning and reaching out for his kiss with her mouth.
 
He stroked her with his fingers, her wetness spreading all over.  She started to sigh and moan against him, rubbing her hips against his fingers, moving against his hand.
 
He pushed another finger slowly in her after several minutes and she hissed in pleasure, clutching to him and kissing, pulling his body down with her.
 
He pulled back from her wild kisses moments later and whispered against her lips, fingers still sliding, palm pressing and rotating against where she ached, “You ready?�
 
She glanced at him and saw that he was back hard again and she nodded vigorously and said, “I think so.�

Truth was she wouldn’t have mind laying there and having him touch her more, but she was curious and she wanted him and she was afraid the longer she’d wait the harder it would be to go through with it. She was achy and wanted to be filled.
 
He kissed her once more and moved over her and pulled his hand away.  She kept her legs spread, figuring he would do it right then, but instead he moved off the bed and stumbled around.
 
She pushed herself up on her elbows, staring at his long, lean body as he walked over her carpeted room, finally picking up his jeans and pulling out his wallet. 
 
She bit her lip and didn’t know what to say when she watched him bite off the corner of a condom packet and throw the foil onto her floor.  She hadn’t even thought about that.  She felt stupid for being so naïve.  But stupidity gave way to intrigue as she watched him roll the thin material down his thick length. 
 
He came back over to her, biting his lip and he pushed himself up on the bed, kneeling between her spread legs, dick sticking out from him, hands on his thighs, blue eyes dark and staring at her.  His eyes washed over her body and her breathing picked up.
 
This…this was really going to happen.
 
A moment of fear entered her body, but it fled when he leaned down over her and kissed her.  His body was warm and felt good lying over hers.
 
He kissed her lips and mouth fully, distracting her from what was happening between them.  He was rushed now, kissing her sloppy as she felt his hand and his penis brush against her inner thighs and body.  She felt something pressing against where his fingers had just been. 
 
And it happened.  She ripped her mouth away from his when she felt him push into her.  He was gentle, though and stopped as soon as he had pushed all the way in, but it was a violent first contact, one neither of them could have prevented and she cried out in shock, pain and…and something else that wasn’t really bad.
 
She felt her eyes sting with tears, but she didn’t want to cry.  She could feel her body clutching around him and the longer he stayed still in her, the more she liked the feeling of him there.  It was…she felt complete.  She embedded her face in his neck and breathed deeply, his weight settling on her.
 
She could hear him breathing just as hard as she was and turned to see his forehead pressed into the part of the pillow beside her head.  And she watched his lips move silently, saying “fuck…� to himself.
 
She held him tight, holding onto his upper arms, her legs spread for him and him deep, deep within her, not moving. 
 
She sniffed and he pulled his head from the pillow and looked down at her.  His eyes were soft and dark and he looked at her so sweetly that she almost started crying again.
 
She knew it would hurt, that was a given.  She knew it would feel weird.
 
But it felt so right, and having him look at her like that made it perfect.
 
“You alright?� he asked her in a whisper, drawling out to her.  She smiled and pressed her lips into his jaw.  There he was.
 
There…
 
There was the southern boy she remembered.
 
Finally.
 
She nodded and moved to press her lips against his. "Yes...."
 
He pulled out during her kiss and the pulling out seemed almost as bad as when he first went in.  And then he pushed in again and her fingers pressed into his skin and she sobbed dry and quiet.
 
He whispered quickly, “You want me to stop?"
 
She shook her head and moved her arms around him and pulled his body flat against hers, holding the back of his head in her hands.  She liked it, his hair was soft, not filled with gel and things like it had been all summer.  She fingered the curls there and said, "No....God no...�  She gulped and said close to his ear, “It...it hurts, but..." He pulled back and she looked up at him.  “It feels right."

Slowly he started a smooth pace and soon she wasn’t sobbing anymore, just laying there, gritting her teeth and letting him do this to her.  It felt better than anything else ever had for him.  She was so wet and so tight and she was perfect for him.  His body fit perfectly within hers.

Like they were meant to be.
 
It didn’t take him long to get there again with her.
 
And she held him as he had sex with her and she let him do this to her.  It hurt.  But every once in a while his stroke would feel good and she just knew, she just knew when they did this again it would feel so good for her.
 
He would make her feel so good. 

And they would do this again.  She just knew it.
 
She started to smile and she could feel him getting more into it, moving a little harder.  His head was buried in the pillow beside her again and she just listened to him and held him as he said, “You feel so, so good Kate....."
 
He felt good to her, too.  He felt like home and when he whispered the words, “I don’t know if I'll ever be able to get enough,� she agreed. 
 
And he was right.  They had crossed that line.  They had done it.
 
And they’d never ever be able to go back to before.
 
They’d never be able to get enough of each other. 
 
And while it seemed at the time to both of him as a good thing, neither of them realized the drama and the problems that it would cause for them.
 
They couldn’t go back now.

Next Day

He loaded a suitcase into the back of the car and turned, almost bumping into Trace, who was throwing in the last duffle bag.  He mumbled a sorry and walked from the garage back into the house.  His mother was putting stuff into her purse, and he cleared his throat and walked past her to the fridge to pull out a bottle of water.

"Mom, don't forget the plane tickets."

"I'm not, I'm not!" she said in a slightly-panicked tone.

Justin sighed.  He couldn't believe his summer was over.  He couldn’t believe he was leaving.

He couldn’t believe what had happened the day before. He couldn’t believe it happened with her.

He turned and walked from the kitchen into the den.  James was sitting there watching TV, yawning.  "You're freaking her out."

"She's frazzled," Justin said and just stood there, taking long sips from his bottle, staring at his brother who didn’t move his gaze from the screen.

"You alright?  You've been quiet all day."

"It's just...ya know, I'm leaving."  That was only a fraction of his weird mood.  The rest had to do with a particular girl that lived down the street and had yet to show up.  And he was leaving in less than fifteen minutes.  "It's always weird coming back and going all the time."

"I guess that's true."  James shrugged.  Sometimes he was so jealous of James.  He got to have the house to himself and truly be on his own. Of course James was really staying with his grandparents. His mom and Justin were both leaving, but considering that his grandparents lived 30 feet away from the house, it seemed to Justin as if James was left on his own, at seventeen.

He wondered what would happen when he moved out on his own.  He had been thinking about buying a house in Florida, only a few months away and he'd be 18.  Suddenly he couldn’t stop his thoughts. He started wondering what she'd do once she graduated.  He knew she was thinking about college....he wondered if she'd be around more.

He wondered if this would end, if one day he'd be back here not singing, not dancing, not touring.  And he wondered if she'd still be around.

He wondered what they were, now. His brain wouldn’t stop.

"Hey uh..."  He looked at the watch on his wrist and shook his head.  Where was she? "Have you talked to Katie today?"

"No. Why?"

"You think she's coming?"

"Why wouldn't she?"  James shrugged again and kept looking at the TV.  It wasn't like her to not show up.  Every time before she had been right there, all day, helping pack up, smiling and making jokes and then giving him a big hug and a kiss on his cheek and telling him she’d miss him and loved him and would talk to him soon.

He walked back to the kitchen, his mother wasn’t there anymore and he could hear Trace's laughter echoing through the screen door in the kitchen that led to the garage.

It amazed him how afterward it wasn’t awkward and it wasn’t weird with her. They didn’t sit there and cry or get mad or freak out that they were friends who had just fucked.  No, instead he had laid there with her and had kissed her over and over, not sweet kisses, but not passionate ones either; deep ones, completely exploring her mouth, enjoying the feel of her fingers against his back and her body clamped around his.  It wasn’t weird.  He had pulled out several minutes after cumming.  He had sighed and leaned back on his heels, sitting up on bent knees.  She had looked at the condom on him and said "yuck" with a turned up her nose. There was a bit of blood stained to it, and it was drooping and filled with cum, wet and slick.

He laughed at her, shifted off the bed and said, "It's not that bad."

He had gone to the bathroom and thrown away the condom, wrapping it up in a wad of tissue first.  Then he lifted her toilet seat to pee, not expecting her to follow and to stand there watching him do it.  He had laughed at her when he saw her in the doorway, leaning and naked, "What are you doing?"

"I need to pee, too."

He had laughed and finished and left her alone to do her business.  He didn’t shut the door but he went back into her room threw on his boxer briefs and grabbed up the condom wrapper and the washcloth she had used earlier.  "Hey Justin?"  He walked back over to the bathroom and she was sitting on the toilet, looking in between her legs.  She looked back up at him and cringed a little, "I'm bleeding a little."

"Did I hurt you?" he had immediately asked.

"No, not too bad..." He just stared at her, sitting there naked on the toilet.  It was weird.  He had never really been this comfortable with a girl before.  He had been naked with them, had sex with them, but never been this...intimate.  It was so sudden, too. She had smiled at him and pointed to the door. "Will you bring me some panties?  Check the top left drawer on my dresser."

He shuffled around her room, a little out of it and made it to the dresser. It hadn’t hit him yet what had happened, and it wouldn’t until later, late that night in his own bed, staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep. In that moment his body felt loose and relaxed and exhausted. He grabbed a pair of white panties with little lavender designs on them. He walked half way into the bathroom and dangled them in front of her. "Are these ok?" She nodded and snatched them from him, putting them immediately around her ankles and pulling them up to her knees. He watched her take a small, square folded package and press a thin pad into the crotch of the material. "What are you doing?"

"Maintenance." She laughed and stood up, pulling up on her panties to cover her hips and then turning to flush the toilet. "See fixed by a diaper."

"Weird," he said with a slight laugh as she came closer to him.

He watched her as she stopped beside him near the sink and stared at herself in the mirror. She turned her head this way and that and said, "Hmm, my face is flushed...”

He didn’t know if this was out of line now, he didn’t know what was appropriate now, but he didn’t really think about it too much and he really didn’t care. He put his hands on her hips and pressed himself into her back, looking at her over her shoulder, through the mirror. “Do I look different?"

"You're hot,” he said with a smile and dipped down to kiss her bare shoulder, moving his arms around her torso, looking at her breasts, liking how they looked against her body. His hands started to move up a little and he covered them softly in his fingers and palms, squeezing them and smiling. “Who knew you had these underneath those shirts you wear."

He looked up into the mirror just to see her turn and he caught her eyes and they were looking right at him now, their chests pressed, her hands on his shoulders, his arms still around her. She blinked and leaned a little closer, whispering his name, "Justin..."

And she kissed him and he responded. It felt good holding her like that –just kissing her, not because he was horny or because he was curious. This kiss was because he wanted to, because it felt good and was comforting.

It was slow, and their tongues touched lightly before she pulled away and sighed.

He groaned a little at the feel of her small body against his own and sighed against her face, “Oh my god, I could use a nap."

"Isn’t that rude or something?" She turned up her nose slightly and he pulled back a little.

"What?"

"Well…” She shifted away from him and walked back into her room and closer to her bed. “I overhear girls say and you hear on TV about the guy always snoozing after sex and it being bad."

"I can't help it you wore me out." She sat on the edge of her bed and looked up at him with wide eyes. He smiled at her and picked up her hands. "Girl you just made me cum twice...twice!" She fell into a fit of giggles, covering her mouth with her hand and laying on her bed sideway, picking up her legs and curling up a little.

"Why you giggling. Huh?  Huh?" He laughed at her and poked her in her sides and stomach like he knew she hated. He didn’t do it for long because she was lying there, looking at him as he stood beside her laying form. Her eyes were tired and her body was curled up, looking for warmth.

"I could nap, too."

He grinned at her and walked over to the other side of the bed, immediately pushing off more stuffed animals and pillows, fumbling to get all the covers off the bed and get his lanky frame into the bed. "How many fucking covers do you have on this thing?"

She turned over to face him and helped him pull a single sheet up over them. She bit her lip a little and whispered in a completely flirty manner, "You weren’t complaining earlier."

He stopped his fumbling and smiled at her, "I was distracted..."

She smiled a little and he returned her smile and stuck his tongue out at her. All she said in return was a quiet, peaceful, “Silly..."

He had pulled her up into him and she curled against his chest, her leg bent over his lap, pinning him to the bed and keeping him against her body. Neither of them had time to talk much more or to lay there and debate it or think about anything. They both fell asleep quickly, reveling in the feel of each other’s warmth.

It wasn’t until a couple hours later when she felt him nudge her and whisper “Katie…Kate, what time are your parents coming home?” She finally woke up, looked at the clock and freaked out a little. It was past dinner time and even though she had about an hour until they were planning to return, she didn’t know if they would get home early. She wouldn’t be able to explain a naked Justin in her bed.

She had scrambled out of the bed, thrown on some clothes and immediately started to clean her room. He had helped a little, moving a little slower than her, wishing she wouldn’t freak out but knowing there was nothing he could do to stop her.

These were his last few moments with her alone and she was panicking.

Before he knew it they were at her front door and he was hugging her and kissing her cheek, whispering to her that she had to come see him before he left the next day. They hugged for a long, long time and he kissed her lips softly before leaving.

But now it was the next day and she wasn’t there and the time was clicking away.

He sighed and leaned against the kitchen counter, staring at the phone, wondering if he should call her.

Then he heard Trace yell, “Buzz!”

He jumped a little, turned and immediately went to the screen door just in time to see her walking into the garage. She had sunglasses over her eyes and was wearing jeans and a pink t-shirt. “Hi.  Where’s Justin?”

He pushed through the screen door violently, ignoring all the stares as he walked right to her, “Hey…” 

She smiled softly just for a second before he came closer, pressing his body near hers. He grabbed at her hand.

“Come here…” he said in a low voice and tugged her out of the garage and past the driveway over the side yard and around the side of the house, out of sight.

“Hey Justin! We’re gonna be late!” He heard his mom call out, but he didn’t care. Katie was following him, but when they got to the side of the house she voiced her concern.

“Justin you’re gonna miss your flight. What are you doing?”

He didn’t speak, he held her hand and turned. His other hand surged against her cheek and he brought his lips to hers, kissing her with fury and insanity. He didn’t know what was coming over him, but right then in that moment he needed her. He was confused about what had happened the day before, but he didn’t regret it and he didn’t want to change it.

But things had changed for them and he didn’t know how to deal with it. They weren’t together, but they weren’t just friends anymore. They couldn’t just be friends anymore, no matter how much they tried. It was over.

And now with him leaving he didn’t know what the day before meant.

She didn’t either.

She held him against her as he kissed her deeply, tongues thrashing and lips pulling. They were devouring each other right there and she promised herself she wouldn’t cry. Yesterday had happened and she was happy about it. She didn’t look back on it with sadness. It was a good afternoon, an almost perfect first time.

And he liked her. It proved that he liked her just like she liked him. And even though he was going away she knew they could try.

They had to try.

She pulled away breathless and he held her face in his hands, their foreheads touched and her hands remained on his sides, grabbing the jersey he was wearing in her fists.

They breathed together and she whispered, “This is a long tour, isn’t it?"

He kissed her again and pulled her against him in a deep, strong hug. "We'll keep in touch. I promise Kate, I promise." She held him back and buried her face into his chest. She didn’t know why this mattered so much, why she was going crazy with the thought of him leaving.

Maybe part of her knew then what she knew now. Maybe she knew that things were different, things wouldn’t be the same….and maybe she knew then that he would have a very, very hard time keeping promises.

They had to pull apart and they did so awkwardly. They walked back to the drive way and garage without holding hands or touching. No one cared; no one seemed to notice them together, or to find it odd. Except for James, who gave them a weird look, but shook it off in order to hug his brother and mother.

She stood out of the way and she hugged Lynn, almost tearing up when she said to her about James, “take care of my boy”. Katie wanted to say back to her to take care of her boy, but she knew she couldn’t say that. She couldn’t tell Lynn. She couldn’t tell anyone. She didn’t expect Justin to hug her again, and he didn’t. He waved slightly and she kept her eyes to the cement floor as everyone said good bye. Her eyes were still there when they had pulled out, when everyone else stood around talking or got ready to leave.

“Hey…” She jumped at the voice and the hand on her shoulder and looked to see James beside her, smiling a little. “Girl, what’s wrong with you? He’ll be back.”

She took in a deep breath and pressed the bottoms of her hands into her eyes. She wasn’t going to cry. “I’m being stupid.”

“You alright?”

She lied, “Yeah, I’m fine.”

He laughed a little and pulled his arms around her in a huge hug, bending her over a little and squeezing her a little too tight in a brotherly manner. “If it makes you feel better you can call me Justin and I’ll act like him.”

“No…no…” She stopped and turned in his arms, clutching to him and saying, “I like you as James.”

She hugged him for a while and was thankful when he didn’t question it. But she knew James wasn’t a dumb guy. She knew his brain was working, she knew he had noticed their disappearance and she knew he was questioning their awkward return and the odd glances.

She knew James would find out and she just prayed that while everything with Justin had changed, nothing would with James, no matter what he knew about her. She needed something constant in her life. She needed James

October, 1998

 

It had been two months since she last saw him, and over that two months there had only been four phone calls.  Each one had remained a casual, friendly “hey what’s up.” That was it.  The first call was a week after he had left and it was awkward between them on the phone, silent pauses and sighs and many drawn out “ums”.

 

But part of her hung on to him, hung onto the possibility that maybe, somehow, things would work out between them.  They had had sex and while she knew they had not said there were together or dating or anything like that, it still was a huge thing in her mind, a huge experience. It was something, even though they ignored on their few phone calls, she couldn’t ignore it as she sat at home or at school thinking about him, daydreaming about him and their time together that random afternoon.

 

And he thought about her as well, but it was different.  Things were always different for him and always would be.  He had more things to do, he was always on the run, recording one day, touring the next, interviewing here and photo shoots there.  He barely had time to sit and think about her for extended periods of time.  But he did think about her, and every time he did he searched for a distraction.

 

Now, now that he was on tour, a new city every day, he found his needed distraction. 

 

It had happened between them, he had struck a spark inside of her and it was growing like a wild fire.  She spent nights aching for him, waiting him to call her, knowing if he did right then and there she’d give into him and tell him everything she was thinking and feeling.

 

She’d confess how she wanted that afternoon back.  How she wanted him again, deep, deep inside.

 

But he never called in those moments.  He always called right after school was over, or in the middle of dinner with her parents.  They had never really been able to talk about what had happened, to figure out what to do with it and what it meant for them.  Cause dammit, it meant something, to both of them.

 

Now the group was in Memphis for a show.

 

It was a Friday and James’ grandparents had already come up to visit Justin.  James and Katie both had had a test that afternoon at school, and now he was driving them into the city.

 

She couldn’t stop herself from wondering what would happen once they got there.  If Justin would hug her, or pull her into a private room and kiss her like he did before he left.  She held onto that kiss and wanted another one.   

 

Part of her was excited and happy, but a small part of her was scared.  Very scared.

The four phone calls hadn’t been too comforting, he had been distant and awkward and so had she.  Doing it was one thing, talking about it was a whole other world she was unprepared for.

 

The closer they got to the arena the more her fear started to go away.  As they pulled through the parking lot, back to a loading area with huge tour buses and transfer trucks, she had to bite her lip to keep from smiling.

 

The battle between naïve expectation and realistic uncertainty was over and she sat there giggly, smiling, and dumb.

 

James turned down the radio and pointed to the backseat with his thumb, “Hey, get the parking pass out of my bookbag, will ya?  It’s in the front pocket.”

 

She undid her seat belt and twisted around, finding the pass easily and handing it back to James as soon as he pulled up to the gate.  She had been to this arena for concerts in the past, but standing that close and looking up to it from the backstage entrance, it looked huge and she stared wide eyed and amazed.

 

It didn’t take them long to get through security and get parked.  People stared at them as they walked into the loading area.  James, even though he had brown hair and wasn’t as skinny as Justin, still looked like him.  This tour was bigger than any they had been on before and a lot of the crew and a lot of the help had never seen James before and probably did not know that Justin had a twin.

 

She watched him as James rolled his eyes a little bit by the stares.  He had always been a quiet guy, quieter than his brother and much more reserved.  He never liked the spotlight and liked watching rather than being watched.  Sometimes she was amazed by how alike the brothers were.

 

And other times they were so different it was hard to think they really were twins.

 

“So do you know where we’re going?”  Katie asked to try to distract him from the stares.

 

“Not really.”  He laughed and looked down a hallway.  They spotted a huge man standing there, talking to a small woman and James tugged on Katie’s arm.  “That’s uh, uh…” He sighed and mumbled ‘crap’ under his breath, “I can’t remember his name.”

 

“Does he know who you are?”  Katie asked nervously.  She didn’t have a pass and she wondered if people were now staring at her because of it.  She, like James, hated to be stared at.  She liked watching people and she wondered if that’s why she liked Justin so much, because she liked watching him. 

 

She hadn’t been backstage before, not on tour.  Nsync had never come this close to home.  Sure a few summers ago she flew down to Orlando to visit but that was different, much different.  She kept following James and when they came within ten feet of the big man, he locked his gaze onto James and nodded and smiled.

 

“Oh…” Recognition washed over the man’s face and the woman that was there, waved and walked away, talking into the headset that was over her ears and mouth.  “The twin brother.  James, right?”

 

“Yeah, we’re looking for Justin.”

 

Katie glanced at the badge hanging from the man’s front shirt pocket.  It had a picture of him and read “Lonnie” with the word “security” under his name.

 

“First room on your right…”  James smiled and started to walk that way.  Katie followed, but as soon as she took a step an arm came out in front of her, blocking her way.  She was forced to stop and look up at the man’s face.  She sucked in a breath.  She was afraid of this.  She knew it would be a situation that would get fixed easily.  They could call his mom or have someone go get Justin. 

 

But the last thing she wanted to do was bother anyone. 

 

“Uh, young lady I’m sorry, we’re supposed to have passes for everyone who comes down this hallway.”

 

“She’s his best friend,” James said, stepping up.  His tone was defensive and his jaw was locked.  She almost laughed at him.  His eyes were narrowed and even though James was over six feet tall, he didn’t stand close in comparison to the size of this man. James, ever her protector, she thought, and it made her giggle.  “I promise she’s not a fan.”

 

“We need a pass.”  Lonnie shrugged indifferently.

 

She looked at James and said ‘sorry’ silently.  He just shook his head and sighed heavily. “I guess we’ll just have to call my mom.”  He touched her shoulder and moved to start walking the way they came.  “Come on, Katie.”

 

“Katie?”  Lonnie said.  Their movements came to a halt.  Katie’s heart stopped and they turned to stare at him.  He was smiling a little.  “You’re Katie?”

 

“Uh huh,” she said, staring back, clueless as to why he would know her name.

 

“Sorry girl…”  He laughed a little and said, “I don’t mean to be a hard ass.  We just had a couple of girls try to pull a fast one earlier.  Two seconds.”  Slowly she began to smile and had to bite her lip to keep from squealing.

 

That mean he knew about her.  That meant Justin had been talking about her.  Well, it could have been Lynn or Trace, but still he knew about her, and she hoped it was from Justin.  And she hoped the smile on his face was a good one.

 

“T, you there?”  They waited and listened to him as he spoke into the walkie he had pulled from the side of his hip.

 

A voice came over with a bit of static. “Yeah, copy.”

 

“Justin’s brother and his friend Katie are here. I’m sending them in,” Lonnie said.

 

“Alright, copy.”  Lonnie put his walkie back at his belt and nodded them down to the door.

 

They walked a few feet and got to a door that had a taped sign outside that said “Nsync only”.  James put his hand on the door handle, looked at her for a moment and immediately started laughing.

 

“Whoa! Chill out Miss Kool-Aid,” he said in response to her smile.  He hadn’t seen Katie this excited about something in a long time.

 

She forced herself to breathe and moved her bottom jaw in a circular motion to keep from smiling too big.  “It’s been a while,” she said quietly, forcing her excitement down, holding it in her stomach that felt weak.

 

He rolled his eyes at her and opened the door, stepping in before her.  She was blocked by his frame as she heard, “What up!!”

 

It was his voice, his excited, but casual tone.

 

“Hey man…” James said and she stood there as Justin materialized right in front of her, hugging his brother lovingly.  He was smiling and his eyes were bright.

 

Then his eyes locked onto hers and his smile started to fade. 

 

So did hers.

 

He stared at her.  She could see him swallow hard.

 

Naivety left her and she knew right then and there the shock and fear on his face was not what she had been hoping for.

 

“Buzz!!” she heard someone yell.  She sucked in a breath, snapping out of her trance of watching Justin’s shocked face morph into happiness, completely forgetting her and the fact that she was standing there waiting for him to acknowledge her.

 

The next thing she knew she was being bent over by a barreling hug from her cousin.

 

“Hey…” she said to Trace, as he kept his arm tight around her neck, bumping hips with her.  “What’s up?” 

 

She tried to sound as casual as possible, but when she looked around the room, she realized that it wasn’t just Justin and Trace in this place.  Another large man was sitting in a chair, holding his head up with his hand.  He had a badge on just like Lonnie did but it was hanging from a lanyard around his neck.

 

Two other guys were there, sitting on the floor playing PlayStation.  There were other things in the room as well, pin ball machines, weights, toys.  She remembered the two guys, Lance was one of them and Chris was the other.   She had only met the entire Nsync group a few times, but they were always nice to her.  When she first met Chris she had a little bit of a crush on him, but that was right before her crush for Justin was formed and now she could care less about Chris.

 

And there was a girl there, too with shoulder length blonde hair.  She was pretty and looked very familiar. 

 

Justin was sitting right beside her. 

 

“You guys remember my cousin Katie, right?” Trace said, tugging her head down a little with his arm still hugging onto her neck.  She waved and everyone else waved back and said polite hellos.  They hadn’t introduced her to the girl, yet. 

 

“So what’s up…”  He pulled away a little and she tried to keep from staring where Justin’s arm was now around the back of the couch behind the girl’s shoulders. “Are you making straight A’s like always?”

 

She laughed a little and pushed him away, but she felt uneasy and figured she needed to stop paying attention to Justin and whoever this girl was.  She was probably just sitting there.  In fact, Katie thought about walking over and sitting next to him, closer than that girl was sitting.  She felt she had the right.  They had had sex, they were more than just friends now, and in a way it was making her mad that he was just sitting there, ignoring her, making a definite point not to look at her.

 

He hadn’t even hugged her yet.

 

“You know my dad is still mad at you,” Katie said to Trace, giving him a stern look.  Trace had dropped out of school, his damn senior year and he dropped out to go on tour with Justin.  They had told him he could hang out, help out, take footage with Joey’s older brother, Steve, who took a lot of video of the tour.  Trace eagerly accepted and Katie’s parents were not happy that their nephew had ditched high school to follow Justin around.

 

Katie wanted to ditch school for Justin.

 

“If my dad can get over it, ” Trace laughed.  “Then your dad can get over it.”

 

“Hey James…”  She heard Justin speak and tried her best to look around casually as she glanced over to where he was sitting.  James was approaching them and sat down on the arm of the chair by Justin.  “…you remember Britney?”  Justin said and James waved at her and said hello.  The girl laughed and said something quietly that just the two of them could hear.  She fell back on the couch, nudging herself under Justin’s arm.  James was laughing, too and Justin was sitting there with a fake shocked look, but he was smiling.

 

He was happy.

 

And he was flirting.

 

Katie chewed on her bottom lip.  She could feel it and as much as she was trying to stop it, she could feel her heart thumping in her chest.  It was starting to crack.

 

“Did you ever meet her when you came down to visit Orlando?” Trace said quietly.

 

Katie was trying to figure out who this girl was, but she didn’t know and she didn’t know if she really wanted that information a part of her life.  As long as he was still hers, still her Justin, that’s all that mattered.  But the more she stared at him and this girl, she started to doubt.  She begged and prayed in her mind, please let him still be mine. 

 

“Um, I don’t think so.”

 

“That’s Britney Spears.” Trace said.

 

“Oh …”  She licked her lips.  She knew who that was.  She had heard her song on the radio and knew she was touring with them.  She hadn’t thought anything of it at the time.  But now two months later, and after four awkward, overly casual phone calls, she was paranoid.  “Right.”

 

“She’s the opening act for them now.”  Katie just nodded and breathed.  That was it.  She was just a friend, a co-worker.  There were no worries.  Right?  Her and Justin had had sex.  He had taken her virginity and it had been wonderful.  She didn’t expect them to immediately be in love.  But she expected something, something more than what had happened.  And she felt she had a right to expect something.

 

This new girl was just hanging out.

 

 “And her and Justin are dating.”

 

There was a pause and all she could hear was her heart beating, thumping, pounding in her ears. 

 

“What?”  It sounded like a scream in her ears, but she knew she only had the energy to whisper it. 

 

She could feel it, feel him ripping her heart out and he wasn’t even touching her or looking at her.  Yet she could feel his hand in her chest, pulling it out violently.

 

“You looked so shocked.”  Trace was laughing and still talking low, “Yeah apparently he’s really liked her since they were down in Orlando together or something, and I don’t know.  He’s had some huge crush on her for years now.  It’s sick.  They’re sick Katie, always all over each other, always.  Makes me gag.”  She gulped down nausea at Trace’s words and the fact that Justin’s hand was now rubbing up and down over her arm.

 

The hand that had touched her and made her feel good, that had held her after it was over and fell asleep on her stomach…that hand was now touching someone else.

 

“Really,” she breathed the word out deeply and kept staring, hoping Justin would look at her, hoping he would say something to her, notice her, anything.  But he didn’t, in fact she could tell that he was making a point not to look at her.

 

And instead of feeling pain or sadness, she started to get angry.  The more she stood there and stared at his fucking stupid ass smile and his god awful dyed hair and the earrings in his ears and how he arrogantly licked his lips and how that hand kept skimming up and down that girl’s arm, the angrier she got.  He was nothing.  He wasn’t her Justin anymore.  He was just a stupid boy and she had been stupid enough to fall for him.

 

Her crush was nothing, just a fantasy, just her weird hormonal emotions getting the best of her because she missed her best friend.  But he wasn’t her best friend anymore.

 

He was nothing.

 

She gritted her teeth and then tried to relax her fists that were hanging by her sides.  She needed to calm down.  If he wanted to ignore her, she’d ignore him back.

 

But that was easier to think than to actually do.  And when Trace patted her shoulder and went to go over to James to talk, she was thankful she was left alone.  She didn’t need anyone noticing her now.  She didn’t need her cousin questioning her about this.  She could feel her face burning.  She looked at James, he wasn’t looking at her either.

 

She was invisible to everyone and she wanted to go home.

 

“Katie!”

 

She jumped at the sound of her name being yelled and immediately turned and saw Justin and James’s cousin coming through the door with her arms straight out.  At first she had been frightened by the sound of her name being yelled, but when she saw Rachel she was suddenly so thankful.  Rachel was two years younger than her but sweet and friendly.  Katie realized that she must have come up to visit today as well.  Rachel would distract her and Rachel wouldn’t ignore her.  

 

“He-hey Rach…”  Still her voice faltered and she physically and mentally had to force herself to remain calm and to chill her emotions.

 

“Oh my god…”  Rachel said while they hugged and pulled back with a sly smile and bright eyes.  She said in a whisper, “You’ve met the rest of the guys in the group, right?”

 

“Yeah,” Katie replied.   She wouldn’t look at him now.  She couldn’t.  She could hear his laughter, hear her laughter and she felt sick.  Hearing them laugh together made the anger and frustration leave her and the heart ache was back immediately.

 

“Oh my god, girl…” Rachel said and started tugging on her arm.  “JC is outside playing basketball with his shirt off!! Let’s go talk to him.  He’s sooo hot!”

 

“R-right…”  Katie faked a smile.  She was forced to be there for the next several hours until the show was over and she couldn’t afford to be upset.   James would notice.  And then James would pitch a fit.

 

She wanted Justin to notice, but it was clear now that wasn’t going to happen.

 

He hadn’t even told her about Britney, hadn’t even the courage to hug her or wave hello.

 

She just wanted him to care, but that wasn’t going to happen and she wouldn’t let him know.  She couldn’t let him know how much he broke her heart in those five minutes. 

 

“Ok,” she said with as much excitement as she could muster and let Rachel pull her out of the room, her hand branding around her wrist.  She turned to wave at James to make sure he saw her leaving.  He was smiling at her and nodded. 

 

And then she made the mistake of looking at Justin.

 

His hand was still on Britney, face still towards hers, she was smiling and close to him, leaning against him.

 

But his eyes were on Katie.  And Katie stared back him, telling him silently how much of an asshole he was in her mind in that moment.  It hurt that he went behind her back and started dating someone else, but it hurt even more that he completely ignored her.  She realized now that the four phone calls were out of obligation, to make himself feel better and not so much of an asshole.  But he didn’t want to talk to her.  He didn’t care anymore.

 

She wanted to hate him.  She wanted to yell at him.  Yeah, she got her hopes up, but dammit, he raised them for her.  He could have told her he was dating someone, he could have talked to her about what had happened, but he ignored it and ignored her, like it never even happened—like she never fucking existed.

 

And she wanted to regret that afternoon.  She wanted to cry and beg for it to be taken back.

 

But she couldn’t, because that afternoon they had slept together—she was in love with that afternoon.  She never wanted that afternoon to change, that time she spent with him.  And as much as she wanted to hate him, she couldn’t.  She couldn’t because she could tell by the look in his eyes that he was scared of her, scared of talking to her.  That made her think that maybe it meant something to him, too.

 

Or maybe it meant nothing and he didn’t want to hurt her feelings.

 

She frowned, because she knew that was the more probable answer, but she was in too deep to ever feel hatred towards him, ever.

 

She pulled the door shut behind her and the soft click of it jolted her for a moment and she froze. 

 

He had fucked her and left her.

 

It was settling in now.  She didn’t know what was going on.  Maybe he wasn’t scared.  Maybe he didn’t care about her feelings.  Maybe he had just been stupid that afternoon.  Maybe he never liked her back, maybe this whole thing was a mistake…all of it, sleeping with him, getting a crush on him, coming out here assuming he’d want to see her.

 

It was all one huge mistake and Katie immediately felt like crying.  So much for holding her emotions in.

 

“Oh and Aunt Lynn wants to see you.  I think she took my mom and gramma and grampa for a tour.”

 

“Ok...”  She didn’t blink just kept looking at the door.

 

“You ok?”  Rachel asked.

 

She sucked it up.  For the first time in a series of many, many times she sucked up her emotions and held it in when it came to Justin Timberlake.  At the time this seemed hard, but as it went on it got easier to do, easier to hold her emotions in.

 

But it was always a struggle to keep those emotions in check buried deep inside of her.

 

“Yeah….” Katie shook her head and nodded, forcing another smile.  “Yeah let’s go see your hot boyfriend.”

 

Rachel laughed and hooked her arm in Katie’s and they walked back down the hallway, back past Lonnie who waved at them again.  Katie let Rachel pull her around backstage like an expert.  She got lost in the chaos and the fury of the show and what they were doing, and she silently told herself to stop thinking about Justin.

 

And the harder she tried, the more she thought about him and his damn hand, those damn fingers running softly up and down over the skin of someone else’s upper arm. 

 

She hoped the show would go by fast, but it didn’t.  Rachel was there earlier in the day and had entertained her most of the afternoon.  Lynn kept her company as well and soon James showed up again. 

 

And Justin had reappeared, too.  Britney wasn’t there anymore, but Justin was still ignoring Katie as they all sat down at dinner.  He didn’t look at her, didn’t directly say anything to her.  She felt worse than she did that past summer when he barely acknowledged her.

 

It wasn’t fair and she stayed close beside James all night. 

 

At the show, however, she watched Justin the entire time.  Everyone else was singing and dancing along in the front row. 

 

She just stared. 

 

He was different on stage and even though she had seen him perform before, now it was different.  The notes he’d sing, the moves he’d make, they all seemed somehow…sexual. It made her feel weird and insecure.  It all was too, too much for her.

 

James asked her if she wanted to hang out after the show.  She said she was tired and wanted to go home, that her parents didn’t want her out too late.  That was a lie, they had told her to come home whenever, that they were happy she was going to see Justin and Lynn and everyone.  But she couldn’t take it anymore, she needed to be back home by herself, away from this crazy place and Justin and his blatant display of avoidance.

 

They all crowded into a dressing room after the show and Katie stayed plastered to the wall by the door as James hugged his mother and Paul and Justin.  Lynn kissed Katie’s cheek and Trace gave her a hug as well.  Everyone was smiling even though they were saying goodbye to Justin and his mother.

 

Katie just stood there. 

 

The crowd started to break up after what seemed like an eternity and James came over to her and said, “Ok, sorry we can go now.  You get to say goodbye to everyone?”

 

“Yeah…” Katie nodded and thought about just leaving.  But something tugged her back.  She needed him to see it.  She needed him to hear how upset she was.  She couldn’t hide this from him.  It was unfair and he knew it.  So she cleared her throat, stared at the back of his head as he talked to Paul and she said in a loud, clear, harsh voice.  “Well, I guess bye Justin.” 

 

She immediately turned to leave.

 

Part of her wanted him to come after her when she walked out.  She quickly fantasized about him running after her, grabbing her arm, looking at her with those eyes and saying in that soft voice he always used with her, “I’m sorry Kate.” And when a hand grabbed hers from where she was walking down the hall her heart jumped and she thought it was him.  Her throat closed in excitement and she whipped around eagerly. 

 

But when she turned it was just James looking at her with concern.

 

“Hey, slow down speed demon.  What’s going on?”

 

“Nothing, can we please leave?”  He chewed on his lip, narrowed his eyes at her and nodded.  He knew something was going on, but she couldn’t tell him right there with everyone in the next room. 

 

The car ride back was silent for most of the drive. 

 

Until James pulled off the highway.  She couldn’t handle it anymore.  She couldn’t take it.  He was being too silent, and she could tell that he was holding something back from her.  And she needed to talk to someone about this, even if it was awkward and even if the last thing she wanted to admit to James was that she had let his brother fuck her.

 

That’s how she felt. Completely fucked.

 

And she knew that it was her own fault for falling for him, for getting those feelings and acting out on them.  She never should have told him she wanted it to be him.  She never should have let him kiss her.  But she didn’t know what else to do.  She had wanted him so bad.  Now she felt naïve and stupid, because despite it all she still wanted him.

 

“So…” she drug out. “I didn’t know he had a girlfriend.  He hadn’t said anything to me on the phone.”

 

“Yeah,”  James said, softly.  “He said they started dating a month ago.”

 

Katie scoffed and turned her head to look out the window. “Well no one told me.”

 

“Oh…”  It was all he said and she knew right then how pathetic she had been.  She could tell what that “oh” meant. James had kept it from her, and if James had kept it from her it meant that either he knew she liked Justin or that Justin had asked him to keep it under wraps.  And if Justin has asked him to not tell Katie about Britney, she knew that James would be curious as to why.  He wasn’t dumb.

 

James knew her feelings, she had never said a word, and maybe Justin hadn’t said anything about this summer to James, but James knew.  She wondered if it was obvious, if everyone knew.

 

She felt like a fool.

 

“I guess, I just…” She said after a while, “I guess I shouldn’t have expected anyone to tell me about Justin’s life.  I mean, I guess were not that close anymore.”

 

“You ok?”  James breathed out heavily. 

 

“I just…”  The more she thought about it, the more that anger she had first felt started to come back.  How could he do this to her?  How could he be so sneaky and dishonest to her?  That wasn’t the Justin she knew.   He had changed and, for a while, she thought she liked the changed, she liked the slight arrogance and the worldliness of Justin.  He could show her stuff and teach her stuff.  But now, now she realized he had let it all go to his head and he was an asshole.

 

She smacked her hand down on her thigh and turned back to look at James.  “I don’t know why he’s dating her, ya know?” 

 

“Katherine…”  He sighed and looked into his blind spot before moving into the right hand land. 

 

“Cause, I know…”  There was no stopping her.  She bit her lip and it started to overwhelm her.  All of it.  The fact that he had had sex with her and promised her they would keep in touch and looked at her and fucking kissed her like she meant something to him, and then turned around and went away and started dating someone new—that killed her inside.  And what killed her the most was that it was all kept from her like some huge secret.  Like she was too fragile to handle it.

 

She felt too fragile now.

 

But she didn’t feel that way because he was dating someone else or because they had had sex and nothing had come of it.  She felt breakable because he had completely ignored her.  He completely didn’t care anymore.

 

It was worse than him being in love with someone else.  It was worse than him using her.

 

He didn’t even care anymore.  She wanted to puke.

 

“I probably shouldn’t say anything, but, but the day before he left this summer…”  She sucked in a breath and could feel the car slowing down.  She choked back a few tears and covered her mouth with her hand, looking out into the darkness outside of the car.  “I mean, we kind of…”

 

“I know, Katie.” 

 

It was all he said, and when she looked over at him she realized he had pulled off the side of the road and was putting his Jeep in park.  His jaw was clenched.  After a moment he turned to her and shrugged, “He called and told me the day after he left.”

It wasn’t shocking to her because they were brothers and they were close.  But James hadn’t seemed or acted different around her since then.  He had been the same James to her even though he had known that her and Justin had slept together. But she wondered, she had to wonder if he thought less of her. 

 

She was starting to feel less of herself.

 

She stared at him and kept her hand over her mouth as two fat tears slipped from her eyes.  ”Do you think I’m a slut?” she mumbled through her hand.

 

“No Katie, god no.  I don’t think that…”  He paused and searched for the right words to say.  She could tell he was struggling with it and it made her feel worse.  She could tell James knew what she felt for Justin, and James knew that sleeping with him was a mistake.

 

She could look at him and see it in his eyes.  ‘You shouldn’t have done this, Katherine…’ they said to her.

 

“I mean he likes you.  He does care about you Katie.  You’ve been friends for a long, long time but…”  He shrugged and shook his head.  “It’s weird.  He’s in a different world than we are.  It’s too hard for him and you to try to have a long distance relationship.  And he’s really not the same Justin we used to know.  It’s not a bad thing, he’s just different now.”

 

But James was wrong.  Because that afternoon they had slept together he had shown her that he hadn’t changed.  And that’s what hurt the most.  She knew Justin was the same boy she grew up with, but he was pushing that away.  He was pushing her away for this other life.

 

And it hurt.

 

“I shouldn’t have ever done it,” she said, immediately covering her face and crying hard.  It was too late, all her emotion flew out of her, all the anxiety and questions over the past two months fell out of her into her hands.

 

“Please Katie, this is your senior year.  Don’t get upset about this.”  She felt his hand on her back and she shook with her sobs.

 

“I’m so stupid James,” she said, wiping her eyes with the backs of her hands.  She sat up and slouched in the chair, looking up at the top of the car, tears still falling.

 

“No, you’re not,” he said defensively.  She could always count on James to pull her up and be her rock and protect her.  But she didn’t want protection, she just wanted her best friend back.   Maybe they hadn’t been best friends for years, maybe she had been kidding herself ever since he left.  Maybe James was right.  Maybe he wasn’t the same anymore. Maybe he hadn’t been the same for a long time.

 

And maybe she had changed.

 

“Just don’t worry about it, ya know?  Let’s live up this last year.”  She sniffed and looked down at her lap.  It was her senior year, and she had no boyfriend and no best friend.  James was dating Lindsay again, Justin was off touring, so was Trace.  Rachel was only a sophomore.  She was going to be alone.

 

“It’s me and you, ok?  Fuck everyone else, we’re gonna have fun.”  She looked over at James and he was forcing out a smile for her.  She knew he was lying.  She knew he’d date Lindsay and be part of the popular group in school.  He’d play baseball in the spring and be busy all the time.  She’d be alone.

 

“Promise?” she said weakly, not knowing why she was asking James to keep up a promise when she knew he wouldn’t be able to and she didn’t expect him to.

 

“Yeah.  Come on, let’s go get a burger.  That food they had there was horrible.”  He made a gagging noise to try to get her laughing and put his car in drive and pulled back onto the road.  He started to ramble and turned the radio up and started singing along.

 

She knew he was trying to take her mind off all of it and she was thankful for his effort, even though it didn’t work.

 

Sitting there in the car with him she couldn’t help get the words ‘this is your senior year’ out of her mind.  It was going to be horrible, even if James promised to have fun with her anyway.  She sat there dreading it all, just knowing how horrible it would all be.

 

The next few weeks were hard for her, very hard for her.  But despite her thoughts, James kept it promise.  James always kept his promises when it came to Katie and because of that she soon stopped asking him to promise.  It was unfair to him because she knew he would do it anyway. 

 

In actuality, she allowed herself to get lost in her senior year and ended up having a lot of fun.  For the most part Justin Timberlake was forgotten.

 

But it was still hard.

 

There would be nights lying in bed and he wouldn’t leave her alone.  She’d lay there anxious and unable to sleep and she’d think about him and dream about him.  She’d turn over and stare at the phone on her nightstand, wishing he’d call, wishing she had the guts to call him.  But she never did.

 

He came back for Christmas and everything was forgotten.  All of it, even fucking thing.  He hugged her, hung out with her, but they never were alone, he made sure of that and she was silently thankful. 

 

When he left to tour again after the turn of the year it was hard.  But she bottled it up, pushed it down and closed it off.  She didn’t need Justin to hang out with and be her friend.  James was always there and always would be there for her and she loved him for that.  Things had changed.  James was her best friend now.

 

Justin was just a crush.  And unfortunately for Katie, that would never change.

 

 

 

November, 1999

 

He didn’t really know why she was there.  She hated skiing, could barely do it, maybe even never had done it.  Everyone else had moved on up to snowboards and had their gear.  Everyone else loved being on the slopes.  She knew nothing and had nothing and therefore resorted to borrowing and renting gear from the shop, looking sheepish and out of place while doing so.

 

Of course he liked having her there, it was always great to hang out and spend time with Katie.  They had been apart lately, more so than normal.  She was busy taking classes in Memphis and making new friends, and he was…alone.

 

He handled it fine, he liked being alone most of the time. It gave him opportunity to play his guitar and work hard to save up money so he could buy a house. Things had been stressful in his family for almost a month, flights back and forth between Orlando and Memphis, talking with lawyers, little sleep, much confusion.

 

It was very clear to them now that Lou Pearlman was a fucking sick asshole and it just sucked that it took them so long to figure it out.  He always had a bad feeling about the guy, but no one ever asked his opinion and he wasn’t about to start an argument.

 

But no matter what was going on at the time, it still didn’t make since as to why his damn brother invited Katie out to Colorado during her Thanksgiving break; especially when he was technically still dating someone.

 

It was supposed to be something just for them and Trace, a lodge out in some small ski village in the Rockies, smuggling a couple cases of beer, lots of skiing and maybe a few hot snowboarding girls.   But then Rachel got invited, being the skiing guru of the group.  No one minded, Rachel could roll with the guys better than anyone. 

 

But then Justin claimed Rachel didn’t want to be the only girl.  Right.  Sure.

 

Despite the fact that Rachel had had always fit along nicely with guys, had even said it herself that she preferred hanging out with the boys than being around gossipy, stupid girls, Justin invited the one girl in their group of friends who had the least experience skiing, or being around snow, or mountains.    

 

James knew that Justin’s excuses to bring Katie out were running thin.  He couldn’t just admit that he wanted to see her, he wanted a back up, and he wanted someone to make him feel better because he and Britney were fighting, or broken up, or something.

 

It wasn’t fair. 

 

It just wasn’t fair to anyone.  Katie fit in fine with this group.  She and Rachel were good friends and Trace was her cousin, but this was skiing.  Katie didn’t know how to ski and James wanted to hit the slopes and push himself to the limit just like everyone else.  He wanted to attempt snowboarding, but he couldn’t leave her at the lodge by herself.

 

And he wasn’t about to let one of those jerk ski instructors take advantage of her.

 

He was confused by her being there, not just because Justin invited her out of the blue, or because she didn’t have the slightest idea how to ski, but because the last time he had talked to her she had mentioned that she was dating someone.  He didn’t know if it was serious but it seemed strange to James that she would all of a sudden drop all her plans and head out with them to ski, when she was dating someone. Sure they were all good friends and close, but James had a feeling that friendship wasn’t the reason Justin brought her with them.

 

It made him nervous.

 

When she arrived the night before, he had been the one to pick her up from the airport and he had been the one to tell her he’d promise to help teach her how to ski.  And when she responded, “No it’s ok, James.  I know how much you love it.  Just go have fun, Justin promised to teach me, anyway,” he knew that this would be a horrible weekend.

 

They had had a good senior year.  He had promised her that and had gone through with it.  He took her to prom and they had a blast.  They graduated together with both their families fussing over them and demanding a thousand pictures of them together.  The summer had been fun as well, getting drunk down by the river and the creeks with their buddies, hanging out with a core group of friends that seemed to be stronger that last summer together.  Katie even started hanging out and being friends with some of the girls and Rachel starting hanging out more even though she hadn’t finished school yet.  Katie went on a few dates with Blake, a guy in their graduating glass.  James liked him, he was funny as hell, but a nerd, such a nerd.

 

Justin was off touring and no one seemed to care about him.  James could be himself and Katie had no distractions.  It was great.

 

It had been a hard fall for him. Lindsay had gotten a scholarship to UT in Knoxville and after hooking up graduation night and spending every moment of summer together, they inevitably broke up when she left.  James hadn’t applied to college.  It wasn’t that he didn’t think he’d get in, he just didn’t want to go.  He stayed at home, lived at the house with Paul and his Mom who was back permanently and had left Justin to be by himself on the road, and James got a job working construction for one of his dad’s buddies in town.

 

He was looking forward to this weekend, to hanging out with his brother, no girls in the way, no girlfriends, just them, and of course Trace and Rachel, but it was all family, no bull shit.

 

Now, with Katie there, invited personally by Justin and now ignored by Justin, James was going to have to deal with it all, just like he did after his brother had fucked her.  As soon as Katie stepped foot in the cabin the night before, Justin decided to be an asshole to everyone: cocky, snobby, and self-important.  Still, his all around mood didn’t excuse him from being an ass to Katie. 

 

James couldn’t look at her after that, he couldn’t see her heart broken.  Her voice and her excited tone didn’t give any inkling that she was let down.  And when he happened to glance at her, her smile was still as bright as ever. 

 

But he knew better.

 

When they had woken up that morning, they all got ready to go to the slopes.  Justin was annoyed about having to wait for Katie to rent her gear and soon they all decided they’d meet up later.  Trace, Rachel and Justin disappeared and James was the only one left to stay with her. 

 

It took a while to get her gear going and to teach her to stand up and walk towards the ski lift in her skis.  She stumbled and slipped and laughed and laughed.  But an hour or so into skiing she wasn’t laughing anymore.  After trying to teach her the best he could without getting frustrated, James could tell through all her ski gear, even through her mask and hat that she was upset and tired and wanted to go home.  Being back in Millington with his grandparents and his mom and Paul seemed like a great idea in that moment.

 

She didn’t want to be there anymore, and suddenly, neither did he.

 

“I can’t find my ski,” she said, pouting and hitting the packed snow with her gloved hand.

 

“It slid over there,” James called out to her and pointed closer to one of the mounds of snow near the edge of the slope where the trees were.  He decided since she was sitting in the direct middle of the slope and probably still trying to catch her breath from falling as hard as she did, he’d get her ski for her.  It was cold out, colder than it was that morning when the sun was shining.  There was overcast now and it had started to flurry.

 

 He slid over to her lost ski that was flipped up on its side, and balanced himself to bend down and pick it up.  He turned and began to make his way back over to her, shuffling with her ski and one of his poles in one hand and using the other pole to push himself back over to her.  She was trying to stand herself up and had already knocked off the other ski, pushing herself up straight in her heavy ski boots. 

 

Before James could reach her, shooting down the slope behind her was someone who apparently hadn’t seen her sitting behind the small ski jumps at the bottom of the hill.  The were bounding down like a ski pro and when they finally saw her and they tried to ski out of the way and stop by sloshing snow to the side of them.

 

But it was too late.

 

James didn’t have time to push her out of the way and just screamed, “Shit Katie, watch out!”

 

She only had time to glance up before the skier slammed into Katie, knocking her flat on her back.  The skier lost control and had to slam his poles into the packed snow to keep from falling off the slope into the trees.

 

James was by her side in an instant, bending down and asking eagerly, “Are you ok?”

 

“Yes,” she huffed, out of breath.  He could tell the wind was knocked out of her.  Still she craned her head up and called out as loud as she could, puffing air, “I’m sorry.  Are you ok, sir?”

 

The guy was already up, sliding over to them, his ski goggles on top of his head looking at both of them.  He gave her a good look, making sure she wasn’t hurt and then shook his head and said, “I’m fine.  Watch where you’re standing, alright?  It’s not the smartest thing to be standing in the middle of a slope.

 

They were soon left alone and Katie was still laying there, with James standing over her.  He stood there and looked up the slope, making sure no one else would run into them. 

 

He felt the wind pick up, burning his cheeks for a moment.    It really was miserable, the whole fucking day was just miserable.

 

“I hate this,” she said simply after a while.

 

He sighed and looked down at her. “I know.”

 

“Dammit James, I’m sorry.  Why don’t you just go take off and join everyone else?  I’ll go back to the lodge and read or something.  Seriously.”

 

He shook his head and put out his hand to pull her up, “I’m not leaving you by yourself.”

 

“I’m fine,” she mumbled as she stood up and leaned against his arm. She let him pull her towards the side of the slope. He had knocked off his skis and was trying to balance both his and hers under one arm as she held on to his other arm.  They stomped down the slope to the bottom where the ski lift was. 

 

She was silent and when she finally sniffed he stared at her, trying to look through her ski goggles to see her eyes.  He couldn’t, but the frown on her face was unmistaken.

 

“You’re fucking crying and you know it,” he stated miserably.

 

It was then when she stopped, pulled off her bulky gloves and wiped with tiny fingers against her cheeks and under the goggles. “He just promised me.”

 

“He promises a lot of bull shit Katie, you should know this by now,” he snapped.

 

She turned away from him and he sighed, knowing he wasn’t making her feel any better.  Sometimes it just hurt him to know how much faith she put into his brother, how much she wanted to be with him and spend time with him.  At times it made James jealous, not because he wanted to be with Katie in that way, but because he always seemed second best to his brother, at least in her eyes.

 

He often felt that way with everyone, especially around town, especially now that Nsync was popular.  People always asked him about Justin but never seemed to care about him.  And when they did ask and found out he was living at home, working construction, the disappointment in their voice was always evident. 

 

But it hurt the most when he felt second best with Katie.   

 

What he didn’t realize was that Katie had more faith in him than she ever would in Justin.  And it was because James was such a constant, such a pillar, she never had any reason to get her hopes up, or have her hopes crushed, cause he was always there, unmoving and unchanging.  There was no uncertainty, and sadly, no excitement or unexpected possibilities.  She could read James like a book, but Justin was unpredictable.

 

“Look, I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t be so harsh.”

 

“It’s ok.  You’re right.  I should just get over it.”  She sounded so weak, so small.  It was like that day in the car all over again.  She was defeated, embarrassed and lost, and he hated it. 

 

He almost hated his brother.

 

But he didn’t, he couldn’t. Ever.

 

He never made excuses for Justin, but no matter what shit he pulled James was always there. for some reason. to pull him out of it and not say a word.  It was starting to get real hard to keep his mouth shut.

 

He took his goggles off and dropped them to his feet along with the rest of the gear he was carrying.  Then he put his hands on her shoulders and looked at her directly, almost laughing at the pitiful frown on her face behind the huge bug-like goggles.  “Why don’t we go back and I’ll make me and you dinner and we’ll watch a movie.”

 

“What are you going to make?”  She sounded pitiful, but when she started to smile so did he. 

 

“What ever you want.”

 

“It’s too cold to grill, isn’t it?”  She nudged him, and when her teeth shone out behind her lips he knew it was going to be ok.  He might have to spend every day of his trip in the cabin watching movies and TV, he might not get one good day of skiing in, he might never get the chance to snowboard, but it would be ok, because Katie would be happy. 

 

“I think we’re grilling tomorrow night or something.  How about I make some spaghetti?

 

“You know how to do that?” She gasped.  She was back, playing around, sweet and funny.  He didn’t understand how stupid his brother could be.  Katie was a cool girl.  He knew there was drama there, he knew they both made a mistake when they had slept together, but Justin was a fool.

 

Justin was a fool because he had given her up, he had given in and he was missing out on such a great girl and a great friendship.

 

Sure, they still claimed to be friends and would hang out in a big group together, but it wasn’t the same, it hadn’t been the same for a long time.

 

“I’ve learned.”  He shrugged and leaned down to pick up the gear and give her her share to carry.  “See while you’re off learning at that fancy school of yours, grandma is teaching me all her secrets.”

 

She laughed again and said sarcastically, “Right because Southwest Tenn is sooo fancy.”

 

He shrugged. “At least you’re in college.”

 

“James…”  She sounded worried.  She always was so worried over him, nagging almost.  He didn’t mind it, but he hated that so often she reminded him of his mother.

 

“Come on.  Let’s get back to the lodge before I get moody-rudey.”  He knew she would burst out laughing using the terminology she had used on him all the night before on the ride back to the lodge.  And she did.  She fell into a fit of giggles and he couldn’t help but smile at her.

 

The ski lift back to the main lodge and then the small trek to their cabin took about 45 minutes with all their equipment.  At first he was afraid it would be awkward, her upset and quiet, but soon she was making him laugh, talking ridiculously about the past summer and what she had planned to get her father for Christmas.  It was light talk and he liked it.  It kept his mind off thinking about her and his brother and wondering how the rest of the weekend would pan out.

 

When they got back to the lodge, they dropped their gear and Katie was soon upstairs changing and showering.  They both seemed to drag through the house, tired even though both of them had barely skied.  He knew Katie would be in pain tomorrow after all her trips and slips today and told her in a very fatherly way to chill out and take a nap and he’d wake her when dinner was ready.

 

James threw on a t-shirt and some sweats and started to make Katie’s dinner in the absolute silence of the house.  It was later than he realized when he finally looked at the clock, almost 4:30.  He figured he’d make enough for everyone.

 

Everyone but…

 

“Damn that was a good set. I was flying down that black diamond.”  James could hear them all barreling through the garage and at first was startled by the loud crash of gear in the garage. He leaned back from the stove and looked through the bar seating to see his brother leading Trace and Rachel into the house. They all had taken off most of their ski gear and were standing there in long sleeve shirts and ski pants.

 

“Speak for yourself,”  Trace said.

 

Justin turned in that moment and gave a cocky attitude to his best friend.  James rolled his eyes and looked back at the spaghetti he was making.  “I got skills Ayala.  Don’t be mad at my talent.”

 

“Fuck off…”

 

“Both of you…”  He smiled when he heard Rachel smack them both in the shoulder.  A minute later they were all in the kitchen, Rachel perched up on a counter, Trace looking in the fridge and Justin standing against the doorway checking his phone.  James sighed, it wasn’t that he was completely anti-social, but everyone seemed a little high strung today, getting on each others nerves.  He knew who was to blame for most of it, but it didn’t matter.  They had erupted his moment of peace and he decided to remain quiet.  The only one to say hi to him was Rachel, and he just waved at her in response.

 

Trace pulled out a Sprite, popped the can and said, “I don’t want to stay on the couch again tonight,” before slurping at the opening.

 

“Well I called my room,” Justin said, still looking at his phone.

 

“And I got my stuff laid out in mine.”

 

Trace sighed and told Rachel, “Can’t you and buzz sleep together?”

 

“My bedroom only has a day bed in it Trace!  She’s your cousin, why don’t yall share a room.”

 

“What about the twins?” Trace said.  James wanted to glare at Trace.  He didn’t want to share with Justin. Not that it would be bad, he had shared a room with his brother probably more than he’d had one by himself.  He just didn’t want to know what would happen if Justin decided to start being nice to Katie, if things started to go as both of them were hoping.

 

Of course, if James was in the room maybe nothing would happen.  He shook his head, he shouldn’t be thinking about his brother and Katie together.  It worried him and disgusted him.

 

“Stick with the pull out Trace,” Justin said, setting his phone down on the counter and plugging it into the charger there.  “We’ll trade off or something, ok?”

 

James decided to let his presence matter for once and spoke up, “My room has two twin beds, so you can stay with me if you want.”

 

“Thanks James.  At least someone here isn’t a fucking prima donna. I’m going to shower.”

 

“Well, this prima donna is going to take a nap.”  James glanced at his cousin and she pushed herself down from where she had been on the counter.  “Wake me up when dinner’s ready.”  He could tell by both their tones they were getting tired of Justin’s attitude, and when Justin came over and stood right by him, looking down at the stove, James was tired of it, too.

 

“That smells good.  Whatcha cookin'?"

 

James looked at him for only a moment before looking back down at what he was making, almost guarding it in a protective manner.  "Katie's dinner."

 

"Um, what about us?" 

 

James almost laughed at how lost and pathetic his brother looked, "What about you?"  He shook his head.  “I think maybe there is enough for everyone else.  You can make something for your self, though."

 

His brother paused, stood back and James glanced at him.  He was glaring, confused and angry.  And James didn’t care. 

 

It was stupid and petty, and James was beyond giving a damn.  Justin had to be punished somehow, he had to know that his attitude and the way he was treating Katie were not how they were raised.  And as much as it annoyed him, if he had to, James would get parental with Justin.  He had done it before.  "What the hell, James?"

 

James dropped the spoon he was using and stared right back at his brother.  "What the hell, Justin?"

 

James knew Justin wasn’t stupid, and Justin was quite aware that the whole day Katie and James were off together.  And when Justin rolled his eyes and mumbled a “whatever” and walked out of the room, James knew that Justin knew why he was mad.

 

James tried not to be too sensitive when it came to Katie, but the past year or so there had been a change in her.  She seemed much more mature suddenly, quieter, distant at times, clinging at others.  And he knew what it all stemmed from.  It stemmed from the same thing that had made him and Katie so much stronger.  He had been there for her when his brother hadn’t, and when that happened things changed. 

 

James had always known, way before last summer, that Katie had a little crush on Justin, and he figured it would go away.  But Justin had to pick at it like a scab, and picking at it just caused it to bleed more, caused them both to overreact and now there was a scar and now it was awkward and now both of them tried to act like it never happened, causing poor attitudes on all sides.

 

If Justin personally invited Katie, fine, but it was his responsibility to hang out with her.  James loved being with her, but he also knew that Katie had a soft spot for Justin.  It was just different.  Plus James never let her down and was always right there.  With Justin her hopes were always up, always hoping that he’d prove her wrong and actually give a damn.

 

And her hopes were always crushed.

 

 

Chapter 8

 

She stared at herself in the mirror and took a breath.  She felt like a moron, like the biggest idiot in the world.  She should have known better by now, and she shouldn’t have expected anything.

 

It had been only four days ago when she had got the call from him.  She knew he was in town.  He had been back and forth for a while now, but she hadn’t really gotten to see him.  She didn’t want to bother him in such a stressful time. 

 

But when he called late that night, laughing in the phone yet still sounding very, very down, she felt that maybe she was the answer, maybe after all this time he still remembered that day they slept together.  Hell, she knew he remembered it; she could tell every time since then when they’d hug.  Sometimes he’d linger, sometimes he’d cut it short.  She could tell he felt just as awkward about it as she did.

 

She tried so hard to forget him and to forget what he meant to her and what she felt for him, and every time she made progress, he’d be back in town and she’d be invited over for a cookout and he’d laugh with her and they’d all sit in a group and have a good time.  And he’d look at her and she’d look back when he wasn’t paying attention to her.  But they were never alone and she never got a chance to ask him, to talk about what happened.

 

She wasn’t sure if she really wanted to.  It had been more than a year and she should have been over it by then.  She thought that summer with Blake that it was happening, but one night, after fooling around on his couch while his parents were out, they ended up talking, and she ended up telling him about Justin and her.

 

She ended up crying to him.  He understood and after that they were just friends.  It all crashed back into her and she felt distant and stayed up late at night contemplating calling Justin and telling him everything she was feeling.  But she knew he’d be on stage, or with Britney and it would blow up in her face.  It was awkward between her and Blake after that night and he was a little distant those last two weeks before he left for Vanderbilt,  Even though he smiled at her and talked with her when they were together after that, she could tell that he had feelings for her and that she had hurt him deeply.

 

She hated that.  And now she wondered if she was doing the same thing to Lucas, being here instead of back home.

 

She was doing ok.  She had made some friends in her classes that fall and then met Lucas.  He was awesome.  He always wanted to have a good time.  He’d take her on silly dates, bowling and mini golf.  He always made her laugh.  He was from some small town in upper Mississippi and had gone home for Thanksgiving, but they had planned to hang out the weekend afterward.  It wasn’t serious but it was getting there, and part of her believed it could go that far—that dating could turn into an actual relationship. She had even been debating whether or not she wanted to sleep with him.

 

She wanted to sleep with him.  He was attractive and when they’d make out she’d leave him hungry and desirous and go to bed restless.  Plus, sleeping with him would make her have some one else to share that bond with, someone other than Justin.

 

She was looking forward to this weekend, to being with Lucas.  She wasn’t even thinking about the Timberlakes.

 

But then he had called; his voice low, quiet, somber at times, but chuckling in that deep tone that he had started to use more.  He spoke as if she were the only person in the world.  Even though they were just chatting about what she was doing for Thanksgiving and how she liked her business classes, it seemed so intimate.

 

And then he had said, “You need to come skiing with me this weekend.  We’re going to this resort in Colorado and it’s gonna be awesome and I need my Kate there to make me smile so I can have a good time.”

 

“I’ve never skied.”  She had laughed, trying not to giggle at the sound of “my Kate” in his voice.

 

“So? I’ll teach you.  I promise.  I’ll even buy you a plane ticket and everything.”

 

She missed him, not just as his friend, but as more, and even though it was just one day, she wanted to bring that day back.  It was hopeful and stupid and she knew she was letting herself get wrapped up in something she had no control over.

 

But she wasn’t sure she wanted to be in control.

 

As soon as see saw that it was James picking her up at the airport and not Justin, she knew that it was a mistake.

 

When he had called several nights before, and when he had said that him and Britney had broken up, and that all this shit with his label was fucking with his head and that the only person he wanted to hang out in the world right then was her, it had made her feel special.  He said she would make it better, make him forget about it.

 

He didn’t say how or why and Katie didn’t ask.  Over the phone he seemed to only talk about friendship, but in his voice she read more.

 

And now that she was there she realized it was a colossal mistake.  He had gotten down one night, called her, invited her.  She had said ‘yes’ and the next day he regretted it, but he couldn’t take it back.

 

It was written all over his face. 

 

He didn’t want her there.  And now she didn’t want to be there.

 

Her stomach grumbled.  The time she spent with James that day was even longer than it seemed.  They had skipped lunch and she was starving. 

 

She sighed and grabbed her pj pants before stepping into them and pulling them up over her legs.  She almost laughed at herself, she had shaved in the shower: pointless.  Absolutely pointless.

 

Her hair was still damp and she pulled it back behind her head and walked out into her room, staring at the crumple bed sheets that she wallowed in for the past hour, trying to sleep, trying to calm her mind.

 

It didn’t work and her body and mind were upset about it, tired and annoyed.

 

She shuffled out of her room, passed Rachel’s doorway that was shut, and then looked behind her at the end of the hall to see that Justin’s door was cracked open and the light was on in his room.  She hoped Justin wasn’t down stairs.  She hoped she could just ignore him all weekend.  Maybe Rachel would want to go out and do something different.  She needed to get out of there.  She had a few more days of it and she hoped she could stand it.

 

As she padded down the steps the smell of spaghetti sauce filled her nostrils and she had to hold herself back from running to the stove.  The kitchen was empty, but she could hear a TV going on in James’ bedroom downstairs, and she could hear the quiet whistle of showers running all throughout the house.  She went ahead and made herself a huge bowl of pasta and tasted it before she got herself some water to drink.

 

She smiled.  James was right, he had been hanging out with his grandmother.

 

The pasta was good and warm, and she sat on the couch in the den and flipped through the channels while she ate the steaming meal.

 

When she was half way through with her bowl, she heard someone running lightly down the steps and pass behind her on the couch to the kitchen.  She didn’t look at first, she knew those footsteps were too heavy to be Rachel’s, and when she finished swallowing the noodles on her fork she could smell it.

 

She could smell him, clean and fresh and purely Justin.

 

Her eyes moved cautiously to the kitchen.  She could see him there rummaging through the cabinets in a soft tee shirt and blue flannel pants, his curls were wet on the top of his head.

 

“Dammit,” she heard him say as she watched him standing over the stove.  He turned and looked over his shoulder, and she turned back to the TV quickly, almost pulling her neck as she did.  She tried to eat, ignore him like he didn’t exist, and keep her mind off him.  But it was so hard. 

 

She kept flipping the channels and slurping down pasta, and finally the only thing that seemed to keep her interest enough, but let her still have her senses tuned to the kitchen, was a local news program.

 

Cabinets were opened and shut loudly and before she had time to think, to get up, put her bowl in the sink and hide back upstairs in her room, he was sitting on the opposite end of the couch with her, putting his socked feet up on the coffee table near her glass of water.  She glanced at him and he was chomping down on a peanut butter sandwich.

 

She didn’t say a word.

 

And neither did he.

 

He burped loudly, and when he reached in front of them and grabbed her glass of water and chugged a bit of it, she turned and stared at him straight on.  Maybe this was James, maybe they had switched suddenly.  But she knew that wasn’t true, Justin’s hair was curlier than James and had blonde color in it.  And Justin didn’t have a bit of a beard like James.  And…and she just knew when it was Justin.  She could tell by their voices, by their presence, she didn’t have to see them to distinguish him.

 

He took another bite from his sandwich before grabbing the remote from her side and flipping it to ESPN. 

 

There was a pause, then he sat the remote on the arm of the couch beside him.  It annoyed Katie, as if he didn’t think she was grown enough to make decisions about what channel to watch.

 

She held in the annoyed sigh she felt bubbling up in her mouth and thought about standing up and leaving. She even pushed her hand into the cushion to get off the couch.

 

But then he spoke.

 

"Why didn’t you ski with us today?  What did you and James do?"  He moved the remote back in between them, as if it was some peace baton. 

 

 Katie was baffled and shook her head, but she relaxed into the back of the couch and brought her feet up under her and crossed her arms.  She felt cold all of a sudden and grabbed the remote and defiantly turned the channel back to what it was. "Sometimes I worry about your mental state."

 

“What? Seriously…” he mumbled before swallowing the lump in his mouth.  “I told you I’d teach you how to ski.”

 

“Justin…”  She shook her head and rolled her eyes.  This was the annoying side of him that she hated, and this wasn’t something new that had happened since they had slept together.  No matter what it was, if Justin knew he did something wrong, he’d play dumb and pretend that it was, of course, your fault for the entire situation.  He had done this since he was a child.  And right then, even though they had fucked and even though Katie’s mind was fucked with all things that dealt with her relationship with Justin, she still knew how to handle him when he got ridiculous.  She had been doing it for years.

 

She knew how to put him in his place and call him out.

 

 “We got there and Trace and Rachel started preaching about going down some double diamond shit and were so eager they didn’t want me to wait to get my rental stuff.  You completely ignored me.  You’ve ignored me since I got here.  You didn’t even hug me last night when I came in, just grunted a damn hello.  That’s all you’ve said to me.  Rachel and James were the one’s to help me get my gear this morning, and then you pulled Rachel away.   James was the one to help me out today and hang out with me.  You were off doing your own thing.”  She glared at him and added, “Like normal.”

 

“I’m sorry, “ he replied defensively, finishing off his sandwich.  “I just wanted to go ski without any distractions.”

 

“Distractions!”  She stared right at him, hating how her tone of voice immediately made his face fall and his eyes widen.  She hated how he could make her give in so easily with just one pathetic look.  “Sorry! I didn’t know I was such a nuisance.  Why did you invite me out here anyway?"

 

But she could tell he wasn’t trying or attempting to persuade her in any way.  It was obvious.  He was nervous.  His face was pink with embarrassment and he stuttered when he said quietly, “I-I don’t know."

 

She could see right through him: he really didn’t know why he had invited her.  And the more she stared at him and watched him stutter over his words, the more she started to feel it deep in her stomach, bubbling up. “I…well I, I just thought…”

 

He trailed off, mumbling incoherence, and she knew then exactly why she was invited out there.

 

He wanted that day back as well.

 

The room seemed suddenly so quiet, even though the TV was on a normal tone and showers were still running and noise was all throughout the house.  She felt like anyone could hear and anyone could see.

 

But she couldn’t help herself and had to mention it.  She had to, it had been long enough.  She needed to know if she was right, if the reason she was there was so Justin and her could hook up again.

 

"I thought that was a one time thing," she whispered and immediately felt her face flush and her fingers felt tingly.

 

As soon as he pressed his palms in the couch and slid closer to her, she knew exactly what was happening, exactly why she was there. 

 

She kept thinking, I should be enraged, I should slap him, I should feel like a slut.

 

But she didn’t.  She felt wanted and thought maybe, maybe this time they would both be more mature and wouldn’t run away from it.

 

 He was chewing on his bottom lip, and his eyes were staring right at her face.  “We never have really talked about that afternoon."

 

Despite all the feelings that were running through her, nervousness was the prime emotion, and she felt she would shake if he got any closer to her. He seemed to just get closer.  Maybe there was a reason they hadn’t talked about that afternoon yet, maybe she couldn’t handle it.  Maybe she never would be able to.

 

Maybe he was just upset over his breakup with Britney.  Maybe he didn’t care about her.

 

But despite her crush and her feelings, no one could deny the way he was looking at her in that moment.  He cared.

 

He more than cared and that’s what made it so hard.  If he was just an asshole she wouldn’t want him there, she would push him away.  She was a strong girl and wasn’t going to let some guy just use her.

 

Justin wasn’t using her.  She wanted it, too.  She always wanted it with him.

 

She breathed heavily through her nose and said, "There's nothing to say.  We drank Things happened.  It was nothing."

 

As a final defense, she closed her self off and lied to both herself and him.  And he knew it.  He was angry now and his voice showed it, "Nothing, huh?"

 

"Nothing."  She opened her eyes and stared right at the TV that was giving the local forecast.  Snow, snow and more snow.  This couldn’t be happening.  She couldn’t get stuck up there with him.  She needed to leave.  She needed a flight back home.  Now.

 

There was only a pause before she could feel him so close to her that she almost moaned out loud.  His words were soft, but harsh and forceful, letting her know how serious he was, "So if I kissed you right now, it would be nothing?"

 

She was shocked by his words but somehow not.  She could hear it and feel it by the warmness of his body: they both were just aching to give in.  It hurt.  It physically ached inside of her.  She had never felt this, she loved it and hated it, and stammered as she replied, "Y-y-yea.  Nothing."

 

But when she turned and looked right at him, so close to her, staring right at her, she never wanted to leave.  She prayed a blizzard would come and they would be frozen right there staring at each other.  No place else was good enough for her but right then in that moment.  How could he do this to her, how could they be so close and such good friends and it not be enough?  It was just never enough.

 

"If it was nothing, then why are you breathing hard Katherine?”  She gulped and found herself staring at his mouth as his tongue licked his lips quickly.  His eyes narrowed at her, accusing and concerned.  “Why won’t you call me anymore, or talk to me?”  He shook his head and said softly, “I mean yeah, we’ll have the normal chat abut how things are going but we never talk, never really talk.  We never talk about the fact that you weren’t drunk at all and we both wanted it.  We’ve never talked about what happened and I think we should.”  He paused for only a moment, his eyes searching all over her face before asking, “And why are you blushing?"

 

She almost got mad at him.  He damn well knew why she was blushing.  She wanted him again, and she didn’t want to talk about it, and she was mad because he had left her stranded that first time, left her for some other girl, and she was afraid he’d do it again.  She was afraid he’d leave her just like before, because she knew now she would give in.  She knew whatever was going to happen she was going to give in.

 

"Say something." 

 

"We aren’t alone this time,” she whispered and then gasped slightly and stared at his eyes that started to focus straight on her. 

 

She said it.

 

She fucking said it.  She said "this time."  It was going to happen again, and the part of her that was so afraid and anxious about him sitting beside her was gone completely and only excitement was left: pure, intense, amorous excitement.

 

He was smiling now, that cocky, boyish smile that she wanted to suck up in a straw and savor forever.  "It’s only a kiss, Kate."

 

She bowed her head and smiled a very small smile.  "It was only supposed to be a kiss last time."

 

He whispered, "Shit, you regret it."

 

Her head jerked up so fast they almost knocked each other.  She forcefully looked at him and said quickly, "No...no!"

 

They stopped.

 

And they both stared at each other.

 

He started to smile.

 

And so did she.

 

He licked his lips again, shook his head and breathed out her name, “Kate…”

 

A door slammed and they seemed to jump apart.  They both looked towards James’ bedroom and saw Trace barreling through, clicking his tongue against his teeth mindlessly and bopping Katie on the head with his palm as he past behind the couch to the kitchen. 

 

"Whateryall watchin’?" Trace called from the kitchen. 

 

Katie didn’t know how to respond and when Justin’s lips pressed against her cheek and ear for a minute and he whispered, “Meet me upstairs in 10 minutes," she couldn’t remember how to talk.

 

He was gone.  With a squeeze of her elbow he left her, and she watched him quietly trot up the stairs and disappear.  He would now be waiting on her, and she had to find an excuse to leave.

 

“Huh?” Trace called out, and she jumped at his voice and turned to see him, fixing a bowl of spaghetti for himself and glancing at her from over his shoulder.

 

“Oh um…”  She floundered for a moment until she regained the ability to think and quickly said, “Just flipping through.  Ended up on the weather report.”

 

“Turn it to a movie or something.”

 

She nodded and worked to see what was playing on HBO, if anything worth while.  The cabin had satellite TV and she was having a hard time figuring out the remote, but it gave her time to stall.  It helped her fill out the ten minutes she had to wait, even though her hands were shaking and she couldn’t smack the stupid grin off her face for anything.

 

“Hey, how was supper?”

 

“Oh…”  She jumped and looked to her left to see James leaning over the couch, smiling at her gently.  “Hi, um good.”

 

“Good.”  His smile was bright, and he turned and passed Trace into the kitchen as Trace came out and took position in the recliner to eat his meal.  He was only there for a minute before he reached out and with a mouth full of noodles and motioned for the remote. 

 

She leaned across and gave it to him.  Soon James was sitting where Justin had been before, munching on his dinner as well.

 

She was surrounded, and she wanted to make sure she could bolt out of there unnoticed.

 

She faked yawned and looked around.  She then stretched.

 

Neither of them looked at her or took notice, engrossed in their dinner and the beginning of The Matrix, and when she stood up, stretched again and mumbled, “I think I’m going on up,” she only got a nod from James.

 

She was half way up the steps, beaming, when she almost smacked straight into Rachel.

 

“Hey…”  Rachel laughed and braced Katie’s shoulders for a second before saying, “You going to bed already?”

 

“Yeah, I’m just beat,” Katie lied, trying to hide her smile.

 

“Alright…”  Rachel passed her but then called out again, making Katie’s heartbeat thump deep in her chest.  She could hear it in her ears, and she wondered if Rachel could hear it as well.  “Hey!  Sorry we all disappeared today.”

 

“It’s ok, Rach.”

 

“Maybe one of these days we’ll leave the boys at home and go check out the downtown.  I’m sure there’s some hot ski instructors somewhere around here.”

 

Katie nodded eagerly and said, “Sure.”

 

“Cool.”  She hoped she got past Rachel without too much notice, but the look she got from the girl was cautious and curious, and Katie just prayed that Rachel wouldn’t ask the guys what was up with her.  They’d start thinking…they might come looking for her.

 

She walked upstairs, and Justin’s bedroom door was cracked only an inch open.  It was dark inside and for a moment she wondered if he was in there.

 

Then she heard him clear his throat.

 

She stood there in her pajamas and thought about it, thought that the smart thing to do, the lady like thing to do would be to say to him she was tired or that it wasn’t the right thing and just go to her room, lock the door and try to sleep.

 

But curiosity was a damn thing, and she couldn’t help herself.  She could never help herself when it came to him, even when they were kids.  He’d get her in the most tremendous amount of trouble, and she loved it, ‘cause she always had fun and he seemed to only want to do those naughty childish things with her.

 

And now as adults it was the same, but different.

 

So different.

 

She was at the door, knocking almost inaudibly.  He didn’t answer and she didn’t expect him to.  There was no backing down and she sure as hell didn’t want to.  She pushed the door open, stepped inside and closed it behind her.

 

It wasn’t until she was there in the dark with him that she looked up.  It was dark, but the opened curtains let in the moonlight through the windows that reflected off the snowy trees outside, and the digital clock’s green numbers filled the room with an eerie glow.

 

And he was there, staring at her, lying on the bed in just his boxers.  His skin glowed in the strange light, his hands were behind his head and one knee was bent upward, his body completely opened to her.

 

She couldn’t breathe and she didn’t want to.  She just wanted to stand there and stare at him.  She could remember it, every curve and freckle on his body that day, the firmness under his smooth skin.  She just wanted to learn more about it and how it felt and how it worked and what his body could do to her own.

 

"Are you gonna come over here?" he said in a low, scratchy tone.

 

She bit her lip and slowly crept forward.  Seeing him like that was like out of a dream or something.  She felt sexy and naughty and completely unsure.  But she didn’t care.

 

The sheets were already pushed to the foot of the bed and she turned and perched herself on the edge of the mattress and looked down at him.  His hand was on her arm for a moment, than on her back, moving up under her shirt to touch her.

 

“Justin…” 

 

His voice was seductive, sweet and perfect, “Lay with me.”

 

No urge to leave, no sense of doubt came over her.  She eased down beside him and felt him close to her.  His hand rubbed up under her shirt against her stomach and she could sense him smile close to her shoulder. 

 

Fear slapped her in the face at the feel of his fingers close to her breasts, pressing into her rib cage: fear and that feeling she had last October.  She sputtered out, “Maybe we shouldn’t do this.”

 

He sat up a little on the bed and his hand fell from her skin.  He stared at her with a lost and worried look, even in the dark she could see it.  “Why not?”

 

“Because last time…”

 

He cut her off and touched her cheek, keeping them staring into each others eyes in the dark. “Last time I was a fool.  I got freaked out.  It was too much and too intense and I didn’t know how to handle it, so I was an asshole and pushed you away and got hooked up with another girl that was just a huge mistake.  She doesn’t even…”  His hand dropped, he looked somber and he shook his head.  “Whatever.”

 

“I’m sorry about that.”

 

“Don’t be…”  She felt his lips tight against hers in the dark and he pulled away and whispered, “It gave me a second chance to try this out.”

 

He kissed her again and she felt it flood her all over.  That feeling was back, completely back and she was enraptured in him.  Fear vanished.  She could picture it, his body on her bed, moving over her, whispering, cursing, fucking amazed.  She liked shocking him and amazing him. She wanted to do it again.

 

He kept kissing her, soft kisses that made her breathless until she felt so needy that she latched onto him, turned on her side and pressed her body into his.  His skin was warm and smooth and she could feel him in his boxers.  She almost giggled.  She had missed feeling that on him, only on him. 

 

His hands were on her sides, under her shirt, moving up and she wanted him to keep going.  His hands were so smooth and felt so good on her skin, not forceful, but powerful, moving over her body like he knew exactly what to do, exactly for her.

 

“I’ve missed kissing you,” he whispered after pulling away from a long kiss.  They moved slightly, her back against the mattress, him half on top of her.  She could feel him pressing into her and lifted her leg over his bony hip, keeping them pressed intimately.

 

“You’re good at it.  I miss…” She groaned, closing her eyes and whispering as he kissed her neck, “It felt so good.”

 

He pulled back and knew what she meant, looking at her with a question and a smile, “It did?”

 

She nodded and said, “Yes.  It hurt, but I keep thinking about it and I know it’ll be good, and I know when we do it again it’s gonna be amazing.”  It was true, that first time did hurt.  It was sharp and painful, but she dealt with it and she loved it.

 

And she wanted more.  She knew behind that pain was so much pleasure he could give her.  Only he could give her.  She hated needing him this much.  She had lied to herself before.  She had told herself she was just mad that he had taken advantage of her, been a friend, then a lover, then nothing.  But she didn’t know how much she needed him, not just him, but his body.  His body was so perfect for hers and molded into every curve, and his curls brushed against her chin and neck as he pushed up the material of her t-shirt and kissed down against her neck.

 

He groaned, or growled, something, deep within his chest and pushed off her.  He surged up her soft shirt and she complied and helped him get it off of her.  He pressed back down in her and squeezed his arms around her, pressing her naked chest into his own.  She was so glad she had skipped the bra after her shower earlier and reveled in the way he was looking at her and the way they felt pressed together.

 

He kissed her, but it was different—sweet and somehow loving.  And when he pulled back, he looked right at her and said in a harsh, whispered tone, “Katie, I really am sorry.”

 

She sighed.  She got it.  She accepted it.  It didn’t change anything that happened, but she knew he wasn’t lying.  He was sorry.  He had made a mistake and would probably make another one.  But she forgave him because he was her Justin.

 

And she kept forgiving him, time after time.

 

“You can stop apologizing now.”  She raised her eyebrow at him, and he smirked after a moment then leaned back in, kissing her mouth, and then her neck, moving down and around.  They couldn’t speak a word to each other, only small hushed moans and quiet curses.  It felt so good to be pressed together like that, lightly brushing in areas so intimate, gripping softly, but loving each movement and touch.  Mouths were wild and open against one another and against smooth skin, but it wasn’t rushed.  It was perfect and slow, yet delectably needy.

 

She worked with him to get them going, to get them naked.  They pushed and pulled at light cotton and wiggled hips and smiled and laughed at each other. And soon, before either of them could go any further, they were laying side by side, together, against each other, naked and aching.

 

 “Shit,” she whispered when he pulled back from an intense kiss, bringing her lip with him and then smirking at her, as if she was the only person in the world he was attracted to.  It’s how she felt, sexy and so…so attractive.

 

But then he stopped.

 

And stared at her once again. 

 

“I wanna spend the day with you tomorrow, just you,” he whispered.

 

"I can’t ski."

 

“I don’t care.” He leaned in, rubbed his nose against hers and said, "I'll teach you.  I promise.  I know I suck a keeping promises, but it’s just me and you tomorrow, ok?"

 

She believed him.  Even on the phone there was a sense of doubt, but now that was gone.  They would be together tomorrow and the day after that, and it would be great.

 

“I’ve missed you,” she said into his shoulder, holding him tightly against her body.  She had yet to get naked with a man sense him, fooled around and gotten them off, but she had yet to get naked with them and stuck to bras and panties for herself in those intimate moments.  She had yet to let anyone touch her like Justin did.  It wasn’t that she didn’t want it, but every time Blake tried or even Lucas tried, she started to compare.  There was no comparison.

 

“What?” he asked.

 

“I’ve missed you, as a friend and as…”  She paused, smiled and pressed her hips with his, feeling his hot, hard skin press into her lower stomach.  “…this.”

 

“Shit Kate, I’ve missed you, too.”  A smile played on her lips.  She had missed hearing her name ‘Kate’ come from his lips so sincerely, and for a moment all was lost in a romp. Rubbing and sucking, kissing and touching all over, trying to meld into one another on their sides.  She moaned when his fingers went in between her thighs.  She was soaked and could feel it there, on his fingers and in between.  He pushed in with two and she opened up easy, easier than she thought possible.

 

She cried out his name in desire, and he immediately covered her mouth with his own for a moment and pulled back, saying softly with a sly grin, “You gotta be quiet."

 

She reached out for him, her hand trying to grasp onto his dick as his fingers were deep in her.  His hips pulled back from her touch.  Fear ran through her and she desperately looked at his face. “But I…”

 

“Last time…”  He sucked in a breath and quickly said, “shit” as her hand brushed him.  He pulled his hips back from her before continuing, “Last time was almost a year ago and you didn’t get anything out of it.”

 

“Yes I did,” she begged and he begged her right back, keeping his fingers deep inside.

 

“Please.  Let me make you feel good tonight.”  He was still apologizing, but she wasn’t going to force him to get off, to get inside her if he wasn’t ready.  Maybe it was too soon, maybe this was what they needed, just this—her on her back, his fingers inside of her, his palm rotating over her, pressing hard, his mouth against her neck and moving down to her collar.

 

He grinned before his mouth got to her breasts, and she fell into a fit of giggles and moaned as his lips pressed against her chest sweetly and his fingers jabbed at her powerfully.  “Why you giggling?”

 

There was no answer, only a hushed breath and an arched back. 

 

The next few minutes were pure, fantastic torture.  His fingers would work her up and she felt like she would explode, and then it’d stop and he’d slow down and just kiss her mouth, so fucking slow, touching his tongue with hers and rubbing his lips with her own.  She could feel him hard and hot, pressing against her thigh as she spread her legs and moaned, begging for more.  It felt so good to feel him like that, so ready for her.

 

She loved the way he was making her feel, sexy and wild, needy yet somehow completely in control.  She soon learned to rock her hips with his hand, and when he hissed out “yes Kate” in her ear and sucked on her neck, she knew she was doing something good.  

 

He was holding her with one arm, his arm and hand behind her head, supporting her and his other was buried in between her, searching her out for an orgasm, begging it to come.  His fingers inside of her explored and pounded, not too hard, but hard enough, rough friction every time, twisting and curving in of her.

 

Her moans got louder and breathier and she knew it was happening and spread her legs wide and stared at him, pleading with her eyes. 

 

It had happened before, she had learned how to make herself get there, but this was another level.  This was insane.  This was heaven.

 

He was coaxing her, whispering things in her ear she didn’t even understand, but she did understand.  Whatever this was between them, even if this was the last time it happened, it had to happen.  There was a connection there they both didn’t quite comprehend. 

 

It would take years to comprehend it.

 

And it was so worth it, worth it to be lying with him, her hands fisted into the mattress cover below her, spreading and lifting her hips as his fingers worked her.  She bit her lip and heard him mumble “fuck.” And then she felt it.  She was getting there, her body was sucking up and clenching down on his fingers, and it was better than anything she had ever felt before.

 

She felt like a wild beast and she liked it—No! She loved it.  He was reawakening that part of her that she only wanted to show him.

 

She cried out in a breathless whine and worked her self as he worked her.  And soon, soon, far too soon, it was all over.  She was shaking and panting and her heart was beating a million miles, thumping all over her body, in her ears, in her chest, in her stomach, in her legs, in between.  She felt like hot liquid and melted right there into him as he held her.

 

When his fingers pulled out of her she jerked and curled up to him, trying to catch her breath.

 

If that was one of the things lurking, if that was the type of pleasure she had missed out on that first time because of the inevitable pain, then she wanted it again and again and again.

 

And fucking again.

 

She felt different, but the same.  She felt herself but a different version, a powerful version, a grown up version.  She didn’t just feel sexy anymore—she was sexy, and she smiled against his skin knowing that he just did this to her because she was that sexy to him.

 

After several moments she finally sighed, pulled back and looked up at his face.  He was staring right at her, so serious, so intense.

 

And she was all giggly, girly smiles.

 

“Just…”  She started to say his name, and leaned in to kiss him.

 

But he cut her off with a heart wrenching tone, “Kate…”  He licked his lips and said almost so soft she didn’t hear, “I’m sorry.”

 

“What?”  She was confused.  Why was he sorry?  Was…was he sorry for what just happened?

 

She panicked.  Her heartbeat that had finally calmed down was now thumping, slow but intense and loud, right in her ears.  She couldn’t breathe.

 

“I’m sorry about today, about my attitude,” he responded and she realized a little of what was going on in his mind now.  Her heartbeat calmed. “I’m sorry about…about when you came and visited me on tour.  I just…”

 

“It’s ok.”  It was an answer she’d end up using a lot: “it’s ok” to all his mistakes.  And even though right then she believed that it was ok, that she did forgive him, it soon became too easy to say and too hard to believe.  “It’s ok” would turn into a mask for how much she ached and longed and pained for him. 

 

It ended up being her pure desperation.

 

“Just know that I wasn’t trying to hurt your feelings.”  He ran his hand down her head, pulling her hair out of her sloppy ponytail that was still damp.  He shook his head.  “Or maybe I was.  Maybe I wanted to push you away so I wouldn’t hurt you anymore than I was going to.  Maybe I just didn’t want to deal with it because it was…”

 

“Too much,” she answered for him, knowing exactly how he felt.  It was too intense for people like them to feel.  It was something more than they were able to deal with.  Whether it was immaturity or something totally else, they weren’t ready to deal with it the summer before.  But now, they were, at least a little bit.

 

“I’ve never felt that before, so deep like that,” he whispered, and she smiled and kissed him.  It was deep and deeper, and she touched his chest and moved down.  She wanted to make him feel good, too.  She wanted to see him orgasm again, just like last time on her bed, all strong and tense and spurting.  Gross, but somehow hot and alluring at the same time.   Her hand reached where he was sticking out, still so hard, and she grabbed him and stroked, feeling his heart beat in his dick.

 

He croaked out a “Stop!” and she paused and stared at him.  He was biting his lip and breathing heavily.  “Let’s go to sleep.  We’ll figure it out tomorrow.”

 

“But you’re hard,” she said softly.

 

His heavy breathing turned into a smirk and he smiled at her, “And I’ll calm down.”

 

“Justin?” She knew in that moment that tonight had been for her and her only.  She felt it fully and fell for him just a bit in that moment as he turned on his back and pulled her into him, trying to breathe even, trying to forget the fact that she was against him naked, that her leg was over his hip and that she was still wet. 

 

She knew he was hard and she knew, she could just tell by looking at his face in the dark, that he was trying so bad not to be.  He wanted to calm down and he was trying so much to forget how it would feel to sink his hardness down in her soft pinkness.

 

“Yeah?” he asked breathless.

 

“I feel good.”  He turned and looked at her, and she smiled. “You made me feel so, so good.” 

 

It was too late.  He lunged for her, kissed her and neither of them could hold back this time.

 

It was insane, arms and legs and fingers and mouths all over.  But only for a minute.

 

They didn’t go too far.  At first Katie was smiling and giggling as he grabbed her ass and pushed himself against her.  She knew she had won that mini-battle.  He was going to fuck her again, or at least let her touch him.  She wanted it again.  It was still there, bubbling back up inside of her, and she wondered if she would ever have enough of him, if she’d ever be satisfied.

 

But then they heard James run up the stairs, saying something loud and laughing and both of them got nervous.  They huddled together in the bed, staring at the door like they were little kids and the boogie man was going to come in.  They didn’t move until they heard silence again. 

 

Then they laughed, hard, silent, pressing their faces into the pillow and mattress and each other, over come by how silly they were.

 

And Katie realized, even if tomorrow he woke up and didn’t want her anymore, it was worth it.  The weirdness, the heart ache, the entire thing between them, whatever it was, was worth it if it meant she got to live in that moment and be beside him laughing, completely and fully with each other and no one else.

 

It was stupid, but it was worth it.

 

Next Day

 

Waking up next to Katie and feeling her pressed against his side was something he didn’t expect.  But he enjoyed it—more than enjoyed it.  He fucking wanted to live in it.  He laid there for a good while just looking at her, calm and relaxed, her heavy breath against his chest.  He hadn’t really known what was going to happen the night before.  Hell, he didn’t really know what was going to happen when she came out here.  He had no plans for this weekend, no fucking clue what to expect or what to hope or hot hope for.

 

One night, a week ago, he was home in his bed.  It was past midnight and he knew he should have been thinking about Britney and how to win her back.  But he wasn’t. 

 

He kept thinking about Katie and thinking about her over and over to the point where he had rolled over, grabbed the phone off his nightstand and dialed her number.  At first he just wanted to talk.  Her voice sounded scratchy and sleepy over the phone, and she teased him that her mom and dad were gonna be mad that the phone rang so late.  He just wanted to see how she was doing.  He had been back and forth, stressed beyond belief with the Transcon bull shit.  He had yet to see her since he had been home for Thanksgiving, and he had been home for a couple days.  She had been busy with classes and other things, and he had been preoccupied. 

 

It made him and Britney suffer, the stress and the traveling back and forth, and after an explosive fight, she wanted space and he wanted it to be over. 

 

When Katie’s plane landed and James asked who all was going with him to pick her up, Trace had already started drinking, Rachel had a headache and Justin was…well, nervous.  He figured he’d give himself the extra time before she made it there and would try to chill out and figure how to deal with her being there.

 

He couldn’t.  It made his mood horrible.  He didn’t want to see her again.  He didn’t want to be lonely and craving it with her there, but he didn’t want to use her again and he didn’t want to fuck up.

 

The night before couldn’t have been a mistake, feeling her body against his, watching her come, trying to hold it back and be quiet, watching the pleasure ripple over her.  It was almost enough to get him there.  He wanted it last night.  He wanted her hand on him and to just sink down in her skin and body, but he couldn’t let himself do that.  He was on a mission to prove to her that last summer hadn’t been a mistake, and that she had done nothing wrong—that he had just been a fool.

 

It was gray in his bedroom that morning and outside looked that way, too, whitish and gray.  He could see it snowing.  He didn’t want to leave, but he knew that soon someone would come looking for Katie.

 

He just hoped it wouldn’t be James.  After his fatherly, annoying attitude the day before, and the looks he had gotten from his brother ever since he told him Katie was coming with them, he was done with his brother and decided it would be best for them to have space during this trip.  James had almost killed him when Justin had confessed what he and Katie had done.  And even though it had been more than a year, James still held it over his head and made sure to make him feel horrible about it.  It’s what cut their camping trip this past summer short.  They had a weekend in the middle of his busy tour to go camping, just them.

 

But after one night of torrential rain and a yelling match about Katie, about them, about Justin not giving a damn about anyone but himself, and after several slippery shoves in the mud that left Justin laughing and James grumpier than ever, they decided to go home.

 

They hadn’t spoken about it since then, and after all the bull shit with the label that had happened, James seemed back to his normal self, supportive, quiet, but fun to be around.  He was his brother again and his friend.

 

But now, now that Katie was there, James was making a point to quietly make Justin feel horrible about everything all over again.

 

He did feel horrible about it, about what happened afterwards, about how he handled himself, but he never felt horrible for actually doing it with her and taking it that far.

 

It had been perfect.

 

“Mmm,” he heard her moaning, curling and sighing as she woke up.

 

She was perfect, even in all her flaws and insecurities.  He had known it from a child that she and him just fit, whether it was as friends or more.  There was something there he couldn’t explain.  And neither could she.

 

“Oh my god…”  She jerked for a moment, her eyes squinting, pushing herself up off of him and the mattress, looking down with her arms outstretched, her hair a mess and her breasts swinging down.

 

“What?” he asked and moved one of his arms behind his head, enjoying the sight of her messy and naked.

 

She took a breath and then started to smile, and tucked her head into his neck and held onto him tight, relaxing into him.  He could feel her smile against his neck.  She was beaming.  “Morning…”

 

He felt lazy and wished this morning would last forever.  His voice was a little sad when he simply said, “Hey…” cause he knew it wouldn’t last.  He knew they would have to move.

 

“You’re naked,” she whispered, still smiling.

 

He scooted down in the bed and smiled at her, the sheet half off of her torso so he could really see her now in the dim morning light, every curve and piece of skin right there for his viewing.  “So are-“

 

The rapid banging on his bedroom door made both of them jump and fumble with the covers.  Katie hid underneath them, saying “shit” in a whisper.

 

“Justin! Wake up!  It’s past 10.” 

 

It was only Trace.

 

Justin said a simple ‘thanks’ that it was his best friend and not anyone else.  He breathed deep and said to Katie as she peeked over the covers, “Shit, stay here…” before sliding out of bed, grabbing his boxers off the floor and stepping into them as he approached the door. 

 

He cracked it open but held it shut as much as possible and said, “Hey um…”

 

He was about to try to explain it to Trace, but Trace had already started rambling, “Hey do you know where Katie is? I’m trying to wake everyone up and she’s not in her room.” 

 

Justin licked his lips. 

 

Trace knew.  Justin had confided in him first.  After he had slept with Katie that summer day, that night he sat in the bedroom in utter amazement and confusion and it wasn’t until two days later, on tour, when he told Trace what had happened.  He was actually glad Trace had been there on tour to talk to.

 

He was afraid Trace might be mad, might punch him or something for hooking up with his cousin, but he didn’t.  He listened, he was there, and the only real problem Trace had was that Justin had done it right before he had left to go on tour for almost an entire year.

 

Trace promised never to mention it to Katie that he knew, and he never did.  But Katie didn’t expect him not to know.  She knew how close the two were, maybe even closer than the twins.

 

It had been Trace, though, and not James who had warned him.  When Justin had started to talk with Britney and hang out with her a lot on the tour, it had been Trace who had warned him and had told him he needed to ‘settle your shit with buzz’ before he got involved with someone else.  James was just angry, at everything.

 

So when Justin invited Katie out skiing, Trace had said on the plane that it was a good idea, to get his mind off Britney and to try to see what went so wrong before. 

 

Justin didn’t have to say much to Trace in the doorway to get him to understand why Katie wasn’t in her room.  He bit his lip, raised his eyebrows and opened the door only a few inches more so Trace could see in side.  He muttered, “Uh…”

 

“Oh…” Trace’s eyes widened and then he cringed, laughing, “Oh shit, sorry.”

 

“It’s ok.  Is everyone already up?”

 

“I think James is taking a shower and Rach is downstairs eating.”

 

“Good.”  Justin nodded, thankful that his brother wasn’t out searching for him or Katie yet, glad he could get Katie snuck back to her room before James noticed.  He didn’t like hiding this from James and knew eventually he would figure it out, but the last thing he wanted to deal with that morning was a grumpy brother and warnings and threats.

“I’m probably just going to hang with Katie today.  I promised her I’d teach her how to ski.”

 

Trace nodded his head, looked the floor and then narrowed his eyes slightly at Justin, “Be nice to buzz, ok?”

 

Justin didn’t respond, but he hoped Trace knew he wasn’t going to be an idiot this time.  “Hey, maybe tonight we can all go out and get dinner.”

 

When Trace smiled, he knew that everything was alright with them, “Cool.”

 

And everything was alright.  Trace went back down the steps, Justin went back to bed, and after a few slow kisses and stretches and yawns, they both crawled out of bed.  Katie redressed, smiling at Justin as he watched her.  She slipped silently back into her room and got ready for her day.  When she emerged, James, Trace and Rachel were in their gear, James now with a snowboard, ready to start on the slopes.  Trace and Rachel wished her luck with Justin with smiles and laughter, and James just stared.

 

They left, and Justin and her smiled at each other in the quiet of the house, standing in the kitchen, slurping bowls of cereal.  When they were done, she was beaming, bouncing and excited about their day.  He seemed thoroughly prepared and eager to teach her, despite her teasing and her warnings.  It didn’t matter, she looked so happy he didn’t care that he was about to spend the entire day on a bunny slope.

 

After a few hours and more falls and bruises than either of them could count, he was still happy and still excited to be with her.

 

They were sitting on the side of the easiest slope he could find, they had been there all day on that one slope…trying.  She was pouting and he found it cute the way she was just laying there with her legs spread, her skis turned outward, leaning back in the snow, covered in ski gear, like the cutest little marshmallow.

 

“I’m sorry I suck so bad,” she said pitifully.

 

He smiled and tossed some snow at her.  “It’s ok, but yeah, you do suck really bad.”

 

“Hey…” She tossed some snow back and he chuckled lightly when it dissolved and floated in the air, missing him completely.  It was quiet.  A few people skied by them, several were children and Justin watched Katie pout even more as they easily flew down the snow. 

 

She sighed and didn’t look at him, “Are you having any fun at all?”

 

He could tell her inability to ski, no matter how much they were joking around, was getting to her.  Katie was a talented girl in many aspects, but she hated being horrible at things.  She never expected to excel in everything, but she tried hard, and failing broke her spirits. 

 

“Bruising my ass?” he laughed.  “Yeah tons.”

 

She folded her arms over her chest and said half seriously, half jokingly, “Ass…”

 

He knew then Katie needed some cheering up, and he scooted closer to her in the snow, pulled his goggles so they were resting on his forehead and pulled down the bandana he had tied around his face.  He smiled at her and rubbed her back through the thick snow suit.  “I’m having a great time with you, even when I’m bruising my ass.”

 

There was a smile on her face and she pulled off her goggles completely, tossing them into the snow between them.  “Well, I’m sore as hell,” she laughed and he couldn’t help but let her drawling accent make him smile and feel at ease.  He knew, though, she probably was really tense and aching. Yesterday’s events on the slope with James and today’s fumbles and tackles in the snow  by a festive Justin kept her body aching for relaxation.  He knew how she felt.  He was a little sore from skiing all day yesterday and today as well.  And today Katie had tugged him down the slope with her almost every time she tried to ski.  He had fallen almost as much as she had.

 

He tried to ski near her so he could help her.  It was a lost cause.  But he didn’t really mind falling on her. It was nice to be pressed into the ground with her on top or her underneath him.

 

It was very nice.

 

And he kept thinking about that, and waking up to her all naked that morning, watching her get out of bed, staring at her breasts and ass and that sexy little part of her body, that damned V.  He wanted that V.  He dreamt about it, had been for months and months and months, dreaming of touching and fucking her.  He hated to be so vulgar about Katie, but her pussy was something that mesmerized him.  He wanted it so bad.

 

He couldn’t get it off his mind now.  “You uh,” he scratched his cheek and eyed her sitting there.  “You wanna go back?”

 

But as much as he wanted her pussy again, he wasn’t planning on having sex with Katie that weekend.  He didn’t want it to fuck anything up.  The night before he had wanted her to realize how much he cared.  He hoped she realized that.

 

“You’ll be bored.” She rolled her eyes at him, but she was smiling.  And gorgeous.  Just gorgeous.

 

When had Katherine Lawrence gotten so fucking breathtaking? 

 

Maybe it was just the glow in her cheeks, the blushing of it from the cold.  Maybe that was just it.  He tried to act like that was all it could be, that she hadn’t grown up to be so beautiful.

 

But she had, and he knew he wasn’t the only one to notice it.

 

“Well if you are sore…”  He bit his lip and winked at her, purely teasing, “…there’s the hot tub.”

 

She laughed at him. “It’s outside and covered in snow!”

 

“Not the one on the deck.  My bathroom has a big tub.”  He shrugged, “I don’t think it has jets, though. I’ve just used the shower.”

 

“Justin…”

 

Her voice was questioning, unsure, but curious.  He wasn’t trying to be a stupid horny guy.  But if she was seriously sore he wanted her to relax.  He had no intention of getting in there with her.  He wanted this to be Katie’s weekend.  He had invited her out, then acted stupid, and he now made a promise to himself to show her a good time, a relaxing time. 

 

“It’s just a suggestion.  I’m not trying to be a pervert.  You could just use it yourself, ya know, to help you relax…and stuff.”

 

“Ok!” she said quickly and then leaned over and grabbed his hand.  “Let’s go back.”

 

Her eyes were dark and sparkling, even in the sun-less sky. 

 

She made him breathless. “Ok…”

 

They kicked their skis off and walked down the slope towards the lodge so they could walk back to the cabin.  They laughed and he kept his bandana over his face just incase anyone spotted them.  She called him the snowy bandit and made up some ridiculous story to go along with his appearance.  It made him laugh.  She always made him laugh.  They held hands as best they could in their huge gloves and kept laughing as they slipped on ice and threw snow at one another.

 

At the cabin Justin told her with a press on the small of her back to go to his bathroom and make herself at home.  She pranced up the steps happily, and he smiled when he heard her call from up there, “Snob!  You got the nicest bathroom in the entire house. I see why you picked this room, super star.”

 

He continued to put up their ski gear in the closet by the front door and went into the kitchen to get them a snack.  He was hungry after skipping lunch that day and figured when Katie got done they could hang out on the couch and watch a movie.  They could relax, she could take a nap, they could just be together, hang out, nothing sexual.

 

It was her weekend, not his.

 

But even so, he was trying to keep his mind off the fact that she would be naked in his bathtub.  He didn’t want to use her for sex, ‘cause it was never about that.  It was always about so much more, so much more that he couldn’t explain.

 

He tried to drown out his need by humming and singing some melodies in his head, but it didn’t work.  He just thought about the water sloshing around her nipples and how she would look when she got out of it, her body dripping and hot and so fucking slick.

 

He spread his hands against the counter, hung his head and mentally forced himself to close his eyes and breathe and nothing else.

 

It started to work, just a little.  He started to calm down.

 

But then he heard, “Justin?” echo from up stairs.

 

“Yeah?” he called out to her, moving into the den and staring at the top of the stairs.

 

“Come help!” He heard her laugh, airy and giggly, “I can’t get it to work.”

 

He sighed, rolled his eyes and smiled before shuffling up the stairs.  He turned into his bedroom and said, “It’s not hard!  You just turn—” 

 

He was stopped immediately by seeing her naked body standing there in the doorway of the bathroom.  She was just standing there, completely naked, her hair pulled up on top of her head, smiling.  Her nipples were hard and the little V, that damned little V with a small patch of dark hair just was calling out to him.

 

“Oh,” he said and kept his mouth in a small “o” formation as he took in every inch of her.

 

When his eyes met hers she was looking at him defeated, and she shrugged her shoulders, “I lied.  It works. I just wanted to get you up here.  I’m not good at being seductive.”

 

He widened his eyes and nodded curtly, “Yeah, uh, yeah you are.”

 

A moment happened, a pause and a breath, and he watched her eye him and swallow forcefully.

 

“Will you get in with me?” she asked nibbling her lip.  She turned and he just stared at her ass and the curve of her back and the smoothness of the back of her legs as she walked into the bathroom.  The tub was already almost full.  Why had he not heard it running before?  It didn’t matter.  Nothing matttered.  He could only stare as she stepped to the tub and then sank down in the water all the way, only her neck and head and shoulders sticking out.

 

She stared at him, still biting her lip and finally, he remembered how to move.

 

He fumbled with all of his clothes and stumbled out of them, tripping over his socks and pants, eagerly, frantically trying to get undressed so he could get in with her.

 

He wasn’t expecting this, but if it was what she wanted there was no way he would refuse.

 

She giggled at him and sunk lower into the tub.  He smiled at her as he shook himself out of his boxers and stepped over to the tub and into it.

 

It was hot, but not so hot that it burned.  It was fucking perfect and she was laying there right for him.

 

She was still biting her damned lip, and he seriously thought he had never seen anything so sexy in his life, ever.  It was better than any porn he had watched, better than when Britney was sucking his dick.  Better than all of that.

 

She was there, and she was sexy and laughing and smiling.  He could tell how much she wanted him, how sure she was of it.  It got him there in seconds.

 

But he wasn’t about to start anything.  This was her show.  Once he was in the tub he felt her smooth legs stretched out beside them and he couldn’t help moving his hand to rub them under the water, smoothing over her calves.  She laughed and pulled her legs up, the tops of her knees peaking out of the water.

 

She turned, cut the water off and he sucked in a breath as a top of one of her nipples peeked out of the water.  It was so sexy, so naughty, yet classy somehow, not vulgar at all.  And…and it was something else that he just couldn’t explain.

 

He didn’t want to.  He smiled at her, then leaned back against the end of the tub, resting his arms along the length of it, pressing his head and neck against the edge.  He closed his eyes.

 

He could get used to this with Katie.  If only she wasn’t a girl from home, if only she was on the road with him all the time, then it could work.  He wished it could work. Those thoughts he couldn’t afford right then and he tried to banish them from his mind.

 

It was quiet, just the soft sounds of occasional moving water.  He didn’t open his eyes but could feel her watching him and he smiled.  He liked when she watched him. 

 

“This feels so good.”

 

She just said “uh huh” and he could tell she was getting in her shy mode.  She wanted him to start it.  He could tell just by her voice that she was curled up, staring at him with wide eyes, biting her lip, waiting on him to make the first move.

 

“Come lay with me,” he smirked, keeping his eyes closed.  He could hear the sloshing of water, but still she was silent, and he waited to feel her body close to his in the hot water. 

 

"Are you sure?" It was an odd tone, warning, curious, cautious even.

 

Before he had a chance to respond he felt her soft, smooth, hot flesh against his.  His eyes opened and then fell shut at the feeling.  Her mouth was right against his exposed neck, lips first then her tongue, softly pressing and bathing his neck. Her legs were tangled with his, and her hand…  God, her hand was everywhere, rubbing against his chest and down to his abs, back and forth, teasing him, teasing him so damn much.

 

He felt her smile against his neck, then bite the skin lightly as her hand surrounded his dick in the water.  He was hard, fully there, and when her hand touched him, fingers around and gripping, moving up slow and then back down, he moaned out loud and hissed, “Shit."

 

Katie was ready to pounce on him.  She had been ready since the night before.  And when he opened his eyes and finally really looked at her, he was amazed by what was staring back at him.  She looked so mature and sexy, no sense of fear or uncertainty or shyness that most girls had.  No question about whether or not she wanted it or liked it.  She knew, and in that look he knew how much she was craving it.

 

He wasn’t sure what had happened to her the past year, if she had dated or slept with anyone, but the look in his eyes made him feel incredible, as if he was the only one she ever wanted.  He liked that feeling and he relaxed, giving her full control and range over his body, loving the feel of her breasts pressing against his chest and her hand against his cock, her lips right there against his neck.

 

She kissed his neck thoroughly and moved her lips over his jaw, down his cheek and to his mouth.  They kissed passionately for long, sloppy moments until her hand left his body and she shifted. 

 

His eyes dilated and widened when he realized she was about to straddle him.  Both of her hands were on his face, keeping them kissing, and soon, soon…god almost too soon, she was against him, rubbing them together so he could feel with his cock every fucking thing about her.

 

She was so good, too good.  How could she be so good?

 

She kissed him slow and exploring, pulling back with his bottom lip and then smiling, asking in a deep whisper, "Can we have sex?"

 

 He blinked and heard ringing in his ears.  He stared at her, "Kate...."

 

She wrapped her arms around his neck and said into his shoulder as he hugged her back, "I want last night again, Justin. I’ve been thinking about it all day…" Her voice was moaning and needy and he felt her hand slip away and down, and she grabbed him again in between them. "But I want this instead."

 

Something else came over him and he completely lost control, grabbing her hips, kissing her roughly and growling out into her mouth.  He could’ve easily fucked her right there.

 

But he didn’t. 

 

Somehow they managed to move out of the tub, dripping and kissing and touching all along the way, soaking the bathroom floor, not minding any towels, just attacking each other with fury.  It wasn’t even cold in the lodge, though he knew it should be after standing out of such warm water.  His body was on fire, but there was little contrast to the hot tub water and the cold air.  His body was a flame.  He was trying his damndest to lead her to the bed so he could calm himself, do this soft, slow, make her comfortable…make it last.

 

But she wasn’t having it and kept jacking him off and sucking at his mouth, rubbing herself against him, aching and begging for him through her touches and her moans.

 

“Fuck Kate,” he whispered.

 

She pulled back and whispered close to him, begging, “Here…”

 

They were barely inside his room and the water from half of her hair kept dripping against him, droplets teasing and tempting. 

 

Was this real?  He couldn’t believe it.  Katie…having sex with her that first time was more than real, it was perfect.  But this, this was a new side, hungry and ravenous, so fucking womanly.

 

She was controlled, but needy.  Seductive, yet somehow shy. 

 

He never felt more wanted in his life.  It was like from his wildest fantasy, some hot girl just begging him, attacking him, pushing him, and pulling him down on the floor.  She really was pulling him down on the floor.

 

And this was real life.

 

“Now..." she moaned.  They were on their knees.  The bed was only two feet away, but it was too far, way too far, and she was pushing him down, pushing him on his back.

 

He went willingly and she laid on top of him, rubbing her hips against his dick perfectly.  Her breast were soft, nipples puckered and hard, pressing into his chest.  She kissed him and he pulled back, pushing her on her side and saying breathlessly, “It’s been too fucking long.”

 

“Yeah right, I’m sure you and Br-”

 

He didn’t want to hear her name, so he cut Katie off and said, “I’m serious Kate.  She wouldn’t let us.”

 

She stared at him and blinked, all movement stopped.  Time was stalled. “No?"

 

He sighed, full of want and frustration.  The last thing he wanted to talk about was his ex-girlfriend’s virginity. "She wants to wait or some bull shit.  I mean we do everything else, but not this…”

 

"Oh."

 

He rolled his eyes, instantly pissed off and angry, "And whatever!  She's the one fucking with my mind."

 

After several moments of staring at the wall, his eyes finally focused back in on Katie and she was staring at him, biting her lip…again.

 

A breath passed between them.

 

And then it was all over.  He lunged for her and her hands clutched at his face, holding his kiss against hers.  He slid over on top of her and her legs spread immediately.  There was no foreplay.  Last night had been foreplay, all day, falling on her in the slopes, laughing with her back to the lodge, the bath, all of it was the most intense foreplay he’d ever experienced.

 

And they were both ready, especially her—soaked, opened, smooth, begging for him, hard and deep.

 

He held his breath and pushed in.  She cried out, but held him tight and sighed.  She wasn’t crying this time and her hips were surging against his.

 

She was fucking purring.

 

He looked at her face to make sure she was ok.  And she was.  Her face was like last night, scrunched and intense, fucking taking all of it.  He couldn’t wait.  He couldn’t just lay there any longer.  It had only been a moment, but he needed it and she did, too.  He slid within her and in that movement he gasped, realized his mistake and looked down at her, moving rapidly from where he had had his eyes closed, buried against her cheek. 

 

"I've used one with every other girl, Katie!” he said rushed and out of breath. She sucked in sharply under him and her eyes opened lazily. “But I don’t..."

 

"I don’t care right now,” she whispered, her voice low.  She pulled him down closer to her, her arms around his middle, her legs hooked around him, keeping him there.  “I’m on the pill just…” She laughed and he could feel it run through him, “Just shut up and please.”

 

He moved again and the feeling, smooth and silky, perfect, nothing holding him back was something he wasn’t prepared for.  How could he go back now, after feeling this with her? 

 

“I’m not used to this,” he said breathless against her neck. Her hips stopped and her fingers paused from where they were gripping against the curls on the back of his head. He pulled back, kissed her briefly and said looking straight in her face, “But fuck we aren’t stopping.  God dammit, Kate…” He groaned and moved with her, thrust after thrust, deep and smooth.  “We’re not stopping.”

 

They didn’t stop.  It took him long to come laying there on the floor and neither of them minded.  She had never orgasmed with a man inside of her, with Justin there.  And she bit his shoulder when she did and he forced himself deep inside of her, groaning in an animalistic way that neither of them were prepared for.

 

It frightened them both, and it took them minutes or an hour—they had lost sense of time—laying there, still connected, breathing, and passing out to really move on with their day, if they could move on.  She jerked underneath him for minutes after it had happened, every breath, every movement seemed to make more of her body come just a little bit.  It wasn’t over, yet. 

 

It was impossible to move and when he finally did she choked a shocking gasp and her body shook for a moment.  They laid there on the carpet, still damp, staring at the ceiling, side by side, breathing. 

 

They were there for so long, neither of them moved, and all he could do was reach for her hand and hold it.

 

He didn’t know how this was going to stop, if it could stop.  They had to, at some point they were going to have to get off that floor and continue on with their day and their lives.

 

But they didn’t stop. Not that day.  They kept going each day, each night and each morning of their vacation.  They were together, all the time, sat beside each other at dinner, sat beside each other on the couch, slept in the same room.  They didn’t hide it from everyone else, but at the same time they didn’t flaunt it.  They didn’t kiss around anyone else, they didn’t giggle or flirt.  That was for just them, only them, it was their little secret.

 

He kept it that way on purpose and so did she, not for Rachel or Trace’s sake, but for James’.  His quietness on the rest of the trip, his distant nature, showed both of them silently that he knew and that he didn’t approve.  Neither of them wanted to deal with it.  It was a selfish indulgence and they didn’t care.

 

That night, after they had gone out to eat, Rachel and her had gone to town to buy some things.  Rachel needed tampons and Katie figured she’d keep her company.  When they returned, Justin was in the kitchen getting a beer, and Katie came up to him and whispered that she had gotten him a present and had left it on his bed. 

 

When he got to his room, he saw a small plastic bag on his messy bed and inside was a box of condoms.  He had held it in his hands for only a moment before dropping it, going out to the top of the stairs and calling out for Katie to come up.  He didn’t care that he was doing this in front of everyone.  He just didn’t care anymore.  James needed to get over it and Trace and his cousin could care less.  He didn’t know why the condoms mattered, why they meant what they did.  It was a free pass, it was a gesture from her proving that she wanted it again and again.  And it kept him from letting the grandness and the intensity of being with her without any barriers overtake him.  It was protection in every since of the word.  It was a tangible thing to keep them from feeling the intensity of coming within each other.

 

But…it was still intense and nothing, not any little thing, could prevent that.

 

When she entered his room he shut the door behind her.  She smiled and he took her shoulders in his hands and pressed her against the door.

 

He didn’t have time to say anything, only smiled at her and then he kissed her, pressing his body against hers.

 

He had her again on his bed that night.  The small purchase Katie had made gave them room to do this without any regrets or worries, and they couldn’t get enough.  They didn’t know if they’d ever get enough.

 

It was like that for the entire weekend, complete, unadulterated fun.  But when the weekend was over, which happened quickly and faster than they realized, when they flew back to Memphis, their fun was over, too.  They weren’t together anymore, they really never had been, and after a week of her being back in classes and after a few days of him working on patching up things with Britney, things were back to normal.  She was back with Lucas, struggling to pretend that nothing had happened when she had gone skiing, and Britney and Justin were now more in love than ever.

 

It was seemingly back to normal.

 

Neither of them could forget it, though, and somehow, amazingly, after that weekend of being together, purely and intensely, something happened and they were closer, closer than before, closer than when they were younger.

 

That first time had blown their minds and screwed them and their relationship, but now they accepted it for what it was, it was their secret, their one time, and they cherished it.

 

Justin reveled in it and Katie claimed to love it, saying they had bonded over their ski trip.  She never gave any clue to feeling otherwise.

 

But it wasn’t that clear and it really wasn’t that perfect.  Both of them were denying the fact that they had spent all weekend fucking and as much as they tried, they couldn’t just go back from that and expect it never to matter again.

 

It mattered.  God, did it matter.

 

Even though they tried to act like it was just a fun weekend, that they had just hooked up and were now the best of buddies because of it, it was more than that. 

 

So much more. 

 

He, in turn, delved into his relationship with Britney and Katie, in turn, became a serial dater, unable to commit but unable to be alone.  But they were friends still, very close friends despite the lack of acknowledgement of the one thing that brought them closer together.

 

They tried to deny it, and would keep denying it, ignoring it and what it meant, but it always would be so much more than either of them could handle.

 

 

August 2000

The more he thought about it, the more he realized how awesome it would be to move there. 

Of course he would miss home and his family and Tennessee, but the weather was amazing, sunshine and the ocean and the girls, god the girls.  It had been a great couple of days out there in the surf and the sand, nothing but the Hawaiian breeze blowing by them and the girls.

His girl.

He realized how much he enjoyed surfing.  He had never done it before, but he was good at it and he liked it.  Yes, he could live in Hawaii.  Traveling was a blessing, but being still in one place was more his thing and he could definitely be still here.

He swam a little underneath the waves and emerged back at the surface looking towards the shore.  He could live there…with her.

Well, maybe…

Yeah…yeah, he could.

He smiled, convincing himself of the idea, and swam through the breaking waves to where his brother and Trace were talking loudly to each other, waist deep in water.

He kept his eyes towards the sand, where the girls were all laying on their beach chairs--nothing but little triangles of fabric and tanned, toned, smooth sexy skin, oiled up, lubed up, begging all men in their path to stare at them.  Oh sure, they just wanted to work on their tans, that’s why they used baby oil and smiled and perched their little sunglasses over their eyes and teasingly resituated the tops on their bikinis.  That’s why when they were on their stomachs they undid their bikinis, letting him see the little bit of flesh pressed and round underneath them.  It was all about a tan and nothing else. 

He smirked.

 Yeah fucking right.  They knew what they were doing.  And she, she especially knew what she was doing.

“Hey…”  He called out to the two men several feet away from him, wading in the water.   They turned to him.  “Too few females out here, ya’ll.”

They both smirked at him in response and they all looked at the girls laying there.  Two of them were reading, one of them was laid back with sunglasses over her eyes, and his girl, his girl was laying there rubbing her legs with slick lotion.

He could only think one thing as he watched her hand glide over her bare, slippery skin, and that was what they had done that morning.

He had to hold his hand over her mouth to keep her from groaning out his name too loud, he loved that about her, he loved making her come so hard she’d scream.   He loved her smooth long legs up high and tight around his waist and he loved the way she felt all wet and slick around his dick.

He loved fucking her.  And it had only been two weeks.

He and the other two men waded towards the sand through the surf that was pulling at their legs, and finally, as they left the water, he just stared at his girl and followed his brother as he approached the sunbathing beauties.

“You girls suck!’  His brother yelled.  “Get in the water!”

“No, it’s nice here.”  One of the girls responded to him but James didn’t pay attention, he kept staring at his girl.  He couldn’t stop himself.  It was too much with her breasts almost falling out of her top, and she just kept rubbing those legs of hers.

“Well someone’s gonna get wet whether they like it or not,” Justin said in a cocky tone.

There was laughter and groans as his brother’s girlfriend responded, “Ew Perv.” 

“I’ll get in the water,” A quiet, sweet voice responded.

James smiled and sat down beside his girlfriend at her response, propping himself into the empty lawn chair on the other side of her.  Now he figured instead of the ocean, why not sit right here with his sunglasses on, checking her out as she laid there oblivious? “Why don’t we just lay here?  I just go out.  I thought you hated the ocean.”

“I love the beach silly,” she said swatting at him.

“Yea,” He recalled their conversation that morning as the seven of them walked to the shore, the guys lugging their surfboards and half of the girl’s beach bags as well.  A couple of the girls whined about the hot sand on their feet and the bags on their shoulders.  But one of them ran, carrying her bag and a lawn chair and laughed, racing Justin and Trace to the shore.  His girl was a whiner and ended up only carrying nothing but her towel and complained about the ocean being nastier than a toilet.  He had rolled his eyes at her then and felt the urge to do it again now.  “You said you loved the beach, hated the ocean.”

“Whatever…”  Now, he could see her eyes roll behind her own glasses.  She was always rolling her eyes at him, but he didn’t mind.  He was always giving her unbelieving looks.  It balanced out.  Plus, she was sexy and hot, and usually if he started kissing her neck she’d give into him and giggle and say, “Jayyy-mes”.

“Justin, I swear if you pick me up…”

“What!” James glanced over his girlfriend’s body to where his brother was standing over Britney, smiling at her as she said in a cute, authoritative tone,  “I just put all this lotion on and it’ll rub right off.  Please?”

“Fine….”  James was about to ignore his brother completely and ask Brandi if she wanted to come inside with him and repeat what they had done that morning.  She sucked him off real good, and he wanted more and knew she would give it.  He was always willing to give him head and would do it all hot and sexy like a porn star or something.  She never complained about it.

But his brother forced his attention elsewhere.  Britney’s plead to not get in the water sent Justin’s attention to the girl beside Britney, laying there silently, obliviously reading a book intensely, her eyebrows furrowed, her eyes scanning rapidly.  James frowned as Justin swung down and shouted, “Means Miss Katherine gets to take a dip.”

“Oh my god, you fucker!” 

It was Katie’s voice and laugh, but James felt it would be more appropriate if Britney had said it right then.  She should have said it as soon as Justin touched Katie, said it and then slapped him.  Katie was swung up over his shoulder in a second, her book in the sand, both of them smiling and laughing, her hitting his back, him resting his hand dangerously close to the top part of the back of her thighs.

They laughed and laughed and he swung her around.  Trace and Nikki smiled and chuckled as well, but James didn’t laugh.

And neither did Britney. 

He watched her casually flip a page in the magazine she was reading, but he knew damn well behind her sunglasses her eyes were on them and only them as Justin ran into the water with Katie bouncing over his shoulder.  They felt into the water with a splash and continued to splash and wrestle in the waves.

He didn’t understand what had really happened between them since last Thanksgiving.  It was obvious they had hooked up.  He didn’t have to ask or talk to either of them about it.  They pretended nothing was going on that entire weekend together, but James knew.  He could tell by the change in Katie’s attitude and Justin’s sudden interest in her that they had hooked up, again.  Their laughter and smiles were proof enough, not to mention the fact that Katie never slept in her room after her first night there.

But it was so different from that first time.  After the first time, Katie was depressed but hiding it, and Justin was a moron and closed off.  But now, now suddenly, somehow, they were like best friends, more than that.  It was like they were both 10 again, best friends, co-conspirators with inside silly jokes that no one else knew.  James was on the outside again, at least, he felt that way sometimes.  Whenever they got around each other James was almost certain they were going to play a joke on him, or build a fort, or something ridiculous.  They flirted, but not really sexually.  They flirted like little kids, like middle schoolers, picking on one another and scheming things together.

They did it in front of Britney, and James didn’t know how the girl had kept from smacking both of them.

But when Katie wasn’t around and Britney was there, Justin acted different.  It wasn’t childish or silly.  He acted like she was the only one.  Hell, Justin had said it already, that they were perfect, meant to be, that he never thought he could love someone as much as he loved her.  He said and acted and did all the perfect things, like they were going to spend their lives together, like he had grown up and gotten over himself.  They didn’t act like children.  They acted like adults, they acted normal.  And they were serious, more serious of a couple than James had seen in anyone.

And Katie, well, she didn’t seem as upset anymore about hooking up with Justin.  James never thought she’d be the type of girl to hook up and not care, but maybe James was wrong.  It was hard for him to tell what was really going on with her because he wasn’t around as much anymore.  Since March he had been helping Justin and his group on the tour.  Trace and him had been helping Steve out and pretty much having a good time, partying and drinking and meeting girls on tour.   But Trace and Justin both had serious girlfriends and well, James tried, but…it didn’t work.  He didn’t want attachment.  He wanted a good time.  He wanted to be away from bum-fuck no where, Tennessee where he was only Justin Timberlake’s brother.  Plus all the girls there were all gone to school or off working.

He wanted to just forget himself, he was young, attractive, and knew it.  He was doing a good job of forgetting himself.

Katie had been dating as well, lots of guys in fact.  She had been having a good sophomore year at school, was making great grades, had lots of friends.  It was weird not really knowing every little thing Katie did, sure they talked on the phone all the damn time.  But he hadn’t hung out with her in a while, he had been spending most of his time in Orlando staying at Justin’s place in between touring dates and on breaks.  Sure he’d go home every now and then, but Katie was always busy.

It wasn’t that they didn’t hang out or weren’t close anymore, they still talked all the time.  They chatted on AOL every other day, she was always calling him and telling him ridiculous things, and she had even visited them in Orlando during her spring break, loving the Compound and cutting up with all the Florida crew.

It was just weird for him to see Katie and Justin act like that, especially in front of everyone, in front of Britney.  And to know that they had hooked up…it just made things strange for him.

It was weird for Katie to be Hawaii, too, and he knew that and felt bad for her.  At first, when he heard she was coming he was actually thankful.  It was nice to spend some solid time with her, but the more he thought about it, the more he dreaded it…for her.  This was supposed to be a couples’ weekend.  The only reason why she was there in the first place was because Nikki was having trouble getting off work, and until a week ago she didn’t think she’d be able to make it.  They had an extra ticket, and Trace invited his cousin out to have a good time with the group.

Then Nikki’s boss let her off, they couldn’t uninvited Katie, plus no one really wanted to.  But to say she was the third wheel in the midst of three other couples was a bit of an understatement.  They had had fun so far though, but James could tell her and Justin’s antics were not just getting on his nerves but the whole group’s.

What he didn’t understand was why the hell Brandi cared.  He and Brandi had only dated for a few weeks.  In fact when this trip was planned he was dating, well…ok, fucking Joanne, and she was going to come out with him, but then she got a serious boyfriend. 

“So who’s that girl again?”

And now that he thought about it, he didn’t know why Brandi was so interested in Katie.  Ever since they got there, this being the first time she met all the girls, she latched on to Britney, almost embarrassed herself acting too fanatical.  Britney in response would smile and be polite but would often call Nikki, or even Katie to go do something so that she wouldn’t be alone with Brandi.  And then Brandi would come to him and question him about Katie, about who she was, where she was from and what she was doing there.

He didn’t know why Brandi was so curious and why, in a way, seemed bitter against Katie.  After only two full days of being in Hawaii it made no sense to him.

“I told you, Brandi, she grew up with us.  She’s Trace’s cousin.”

She shrugged and said with a snooty attitude, folding her arms over her chest and lowering her voice, “Just seems a little odd that he’s here with his girlfriend but spends all his time with her.”

He didn’t know why, but in that moment he defended them.  “Mind your own business.”

Suddenly her bitter gaze and tone hooked onto him and she bit out, “Look, you invited me out here.”

He knew, he understood.  He should have never invited her out there with them.  He knew inviting her would be a mistake.  It would have been fine, at that time, Nikki wasn’t coming, the only couple would have been Justin and Britney, and even if Nikki was still coming he could have just hung out with Katie.  But, dammit, he wanted to have someone to hang out with that wouldn’t sit around and just joke with him the whole time.

What he really wanted was to get laid in Hawaii. 

He wanted to fuck someone and to show off—to show his brother and everyone else that he could get laid by a hot girl who really wanted him and none of this other bull shit.  On tour he got girls all the time, they were always all over him, but they mostly wanted a ticket to Justin.  He knew they didn’t think he was Justin.  It was easy to tell them apart now that Justin was growing his hair out and James had been tinkering with letting his stubble grow out into a full beard.

He felt bad that he had drug this girl out there with him and his friends when obviously she didn’t seem to like him that much and he knew deep down, he didn’t really like her that much either.

He felt like an asshole. 

“I’m sorry…”

But he didn’t really care.  He wanted to get fucked, and he felt like there was not one damn problem with that.  He was young and horny as hell and with girls around him all the time, seeming to just throw their tits and pussies at him whenever he wanted, he indulged.  He fucking loved being Justin Timberlake’s brother.

“If I knew any better I’d say you wanted her, too.”

He turned his head slowly and watched her shake her head. 

But that right there, that was not what he wanted.  Sex be damned, he wasn’t going to put up with a bitch no matter how good her hips worked.  He couldn’t stand it anymore.  It was one thing to just want to get fucked, but he wasn’t about to put up with this girl’s bull shit.  She was bitchy and stupid and implying that he wanted a girl who was almost like a little sister.  That’s what Katie was to him, his little sister, and Brandi was just a jealous bitch.

He moved to stand up.  He had to get away from her.

Brandi somehow got some sand stuck to her oily legs, so before he stood up to let her know he was going inside and that she could just fuck off, he roughly brushed the sand away from her leg.

But when he touched her he couldn’t help himself and the rough touch turned softer, and he smoothed his hand over her knee and up her thigh and smiled at her. He couldn’t help himself.  Something in him snapped and he stared at her long, hard and good.

He didn’t give a damn if she was a bitch, if she was dumb and didn’t give a shit about him.  She liked his cock and she was gorgeous, and that’s all he cared about.  There was no attachment, just a good time.  He could stand her attitude this trip if it meant getting to be with a gorgeous girl.

“Brandi, why don’t we go inside….or go check out the pool.  I’m sure no one’s there…”

Her scowl turned into a sexy, small smile, “Really?”

He leaned into her and lied through his teeth, saying, “I’m glad you’re here.  Let’s just have a good time, ok?”

“Ok…”  She bit her lip and he winked at her and stood up to grab a towel and wrap it around himself.  He helped pull her up and as soon as she was beside him, smiling up at him, leaning into him and giggling, pressing her breasts into his chest, he heard, “Where you guy’s going?”

When he looked over he saw Britney peering up at them and suddenly he felt really, really bad for her.

“Oh um, we’re going inside, I think.  It’s a little hot.”

“Yeah, it is.”  She nodded and closed her magazine.  “I might come in myself.  We could watch a movie.”

“Oh um…”  James stumbled.  He didn’t know how to explain it to his brother’s girlfriend that he wanted to go inside alone with Brandi…to fuck.

She laughed and waved her hand saying, “Oh.  Never mind.”  She seemed to understand that they wanted to be alone.  Still, he felt so bad for her.  “I’m sorry James.”

“Why don’t you go swim with Justin?”  He said, figuring if she went out there and forced the two children to break up, Justin would leave Katie alone and give his girlfriend the attention she needed and deserved.

“He’s busy.”  Her tone was dark.

Now he was annoyed and fed up.  He was going to have to play the damn peace maker instead of going inside and fucking the pieces out of Brandi.  His crotch was annoyed as well, half hard and achy.  He hated his brother in that moment.  He didn’t know what to say to Britney.  He didn’t know how to make this better, but he felt he should try. 

Then a thought came to him to just tell her to fend for herself.  She wasn’t his girlfriend.  They weren’t super close friends.  That was it.  He was going to leave and just tell her he’d see her later.  He started to, still stumbling with this words, “Well…um…”

“Oh my god….”  They all turned when they heard Katie’s scream.  It horrified James at first, but he saw that she was laughing, running up towards them.  James stared at her hard as she ran up the sand, dripping with water, her hair that was piled on top of her head earlier was now wet and stringy around her shoulders.  She turned and pushed at Justin as he tickled her and stuck his tongue out at her.   “Don’t ever do that again, you ass!” 

“What?”  He said defensively and then she turned and pointed to her cousin, who James had forgotten was even there, laying behind his girlfriend on a beach chair, her between his legs. Trace was laughing and Nikki was ignoring everything as she laid there.

“Trace stop laughing!  I’m so telling your girlfriend!”  Katie giggled.  “Niks, your boyfriend is a jack ass.”

“I’m aware.” Nikki cracked a chuckle and Trace started to tickle her.  James was even more annoyed now.  He saw it as just one big huge flirting fest with Britney in the middle, miserable and Brandi holding onto his hand, kissing against his shoulder.  It was about time he got out of there.

He was ready to ignore them all, but then Justin came up behind Katie and pulled at her bikini bottoms, making her turn and start smacking him in his shoulder, him owe-ing and rubbing every place she hit, but clearly relishing in it, smiling and laughing as she touched him roughly.

Finally, Justin let her run away to a chair.  She sat there and dramatically wrapped herself completely in a towel beside Trace and Nikki, all of them just laughing.

James looked down at Britney as Justin passed him.  He was ignoring her completely and James couldn’t stand it.  Maybe it had nothing to do with Britney, maybe it was just him, or just the fact that Katie and Justin were making fools of themselves.  Still, he had to say something.  He grabbed Justin’s arm with his free hand and said, “Hey…”

“Huh?”  He looked at James startled as if he hadn’t even noticed him standing there.

James just stared at him, narrowing his eyes at him and nodding down to his left, “Someone’s getting lonely.”

“Whatever,” Justin shrugged. “She’s cool.”

James shook his head at his brother who grabbed a soda from the cooler and then went to push Britney’s legs out of his way and sit down on the end of her beach chair, laughing about something with the rest of the group.

“James.”  He heard behind him and looked to see Brandi staring up at him, biting her lip and widening her eyes.

He didn’t care anymore.  If Justin wanted to make this trip miserable for Britney, that was his problem, and if Katie and him wanted to act immature, James wasn’t going to father them anymore.  It wasn’t his problem and it wasn’t his business.

He didn’t care anymore.  He had a hot girl to fuck, and that was all that mattered.

 

 

 

That Night

 

The bathroom door slammed and he watched her push past him, grab something off the bed and then walk out, a blur of blonde hair and a frown.  The bedroom door slammed.

 

Then he heard in the distance the front door slam, and he jumped.

 

He knew it was his fault, but he didn’t know what else to do.  It was hard with both of them there.  It just was.  He didn’t expect anyone to understand it. He didn’t even understand it.

 

It started last night. That’s when the fighting began.  Before then he could make it up to her by kissing her on her neck or telling her he loved her, but last night they had all been drunk and someone had been talking about skinny dipping.  They were all out on the back porch, all stumbling and giggling, all of them, couples making out, Brandi and James in their own world, Trace and Nikki cracking each other up, Britney in his lap, sucking his neck.

 

And he couldn’t help but keep his eyes on Katie, just sitting there, a few feet away from everyone else, holding the beer bottle in her hand, him knowing how much she hated it and probably how it was warm now and how she would pour it out soon. He hated seeing her like that, looking at everyone, laughing, enjoying everyone’s company—but alone.

 

And so when they started talking about skinny dipping, he couldn’t help but think about her and think about her naked in that damned creek when he was such a fool and when she was sitting there on the back of the truck, so alone, so cold and wet.  He couldn’t stop thinking about how he had kissed her then.

 

She fucking kissed him back.

 

It was her damn fault.

 

And in that moment of them talking about it and him staring at her, he couldn’t help himself.

 

Trace said they should all do it in the ocean right then and Britney groaned and refused. "I'm not going in there."

 

"You sound like Kate..."  He winked at Katie.  She stared back at him, smiling and then laughing quietly. 

 

Trace chimed in with good memories and laughing about it, but Justin couldn’t stop staring at Katie, even though she was shying away from his look and blushing.

 

He didn’t even feel Britney get up, but when the screen door slammed and everyone looked, Justin knew he was in trouble.  He tried going after her, but she was already in bed, not willing to talk to him.  He laid beside her and just stared at the ceiling, forcing himself to think of how to make this right with her, and trying his best not to think about Katie’s breasts in the creek water or when she was in his bathtub last Thanksgiving at the lodge.

 

It was the next day.  Everyone else had gone out to some club that was supposed to be amazing.  Britney and Justin were fighting, they had been all day, so he told everyone else to go ahead.  He was determined to make it right with her.  He didn’t really get why she was upset, him and Katie weren’t really doing anything bad.  They were friends, very close friends.  It wasn’t like they were hooking up.

 

It was ok.

 

But Britney wouldn’t let it go, and soon he was sitting on the bed, listening to her rant and rave about every little thing he did to annoy her.  He couldn’t even say he was sorry before she was locked in the bathroom.  He didn’t try, he just sat there until she was finished yelling at him.  He sighed and finally got up and went to the door and said her name as softly and lovingly as he could.

 

“Britney…”

 

“Just admit to me that you fuck her!”

 

“Britney, I’m not fucking her.”

 

“But you have, haven’t you?”

 

He was silent for a moment and curled his fist against the door.  “No, I haven’t ever touched Katie in that way.  She’s like my sister, you should know that.”

 

He gulped, feeling sick. 

 

He felt horrible for lying.  And what made his stomach churn and his mind swim was that he felt bad about lying about Katie, not about lying to Britney.  And that wasn’t right.  Britney was his girl, she was his woman and he loved her.  He really did love her.

 

She was perfect for him and knew him better than anyone.  They had already been through so much and no one else, no one knew what it was like to be in the position he was in, touring and famous and all that bull shit.  But she did.

 

For some reason, though, he didn’t feel bad about lying to her, but he felt horrible about denying Katie.  And he felt sick.

 

It took her a minute, but finally she said softly through the bathroom door.  “She sure doesn’t act like your sister.”

 

“Don’t take this out on her.  She’s done nothing.”  It was then when she opened the bathroom door, slammed it and left him by himself in the bed room.

 

And now he was left in this bedroom alone.

 

Everyone else was gone out to the club, having a blast.

 

Everyone but Katie.

 

Katie said earlier that she was having stomach problems and decided to stay inside and rest, claiming it was the fish James had grilled the night before.  At first he assumed she was lying, and he pulled her aside and assured her she wouldn’t be the third wheel if she went out with them, afraid that that was why she declined.  But when she turned up her nose and said “no really, you don’t want me going out,” and then blushed and laughed and went to her bedroom, he figured she really must be sick.

 

And now they were alone.   The house they were staying in was one story, but long and huge, and he walked out of his own room, through the living room and past the kitchen to her small room tucked out of the way on the far end of the house.  He didn’t even think about getting in a car and following Britney to wherever they were going.  It was stupid for her to go out by herself anyway, and he didn’t care. 

 

He just didn’t care in that moment.

 

He stopped at the door to Katie’s room and knocked softly before cracking the door open.  He could hear the TV, the lights were off in the room and she was laying there in some shorts and an over sized t-shirt, completely plopped on the top of the comforter, propped up on tons of pillows.

 

"How we feeling?" he asked, opening the door a little bit.

 

"Tummy hurts still," she replied with a pout.

 

He stepped further in the room and said in a goofy voice, "have you been poopin'?"

 

She couldn’t help but laugh at him and took a pillow behind her and threw it at him, “Justin!"

 

He laughed with her and grabbed the pillow before saying, “You got room for me, poop master?" He didn’t wait for a response and fell down beside her, stuffing the pillow under his head.  He was laying flat on the bed, and she was sitting up a little, slouched against the pillows behind her back.

 

 "Whatcha watchin’?"  He asked, even though it was clear by what was on the small television screen.

 

"Mork and Mindy...." He looked up at her, and she was smiling at him, "I mean you and me."

 

 "How long is it going to take for you to realize I am not Mork?"  He laughed, remembering how his grandmother used to call them Mork and Mindy because they would watch that show often at her house.  They were almost 9 at that time and they would spend so many hot summer days at his grandmother’s house, sitting on her rough shag carpet rug watching hours and hours of old, cheesy 70s TV shows.  She’d give them milk to drink and make tomato sandwiches slathered with mayonnaise and covered in pepper.  Even though Katie hated them, she never let his grandmother know, just passed the sandwich on to Justin when she was gone.  He would eat anything back then.

 

 "Would you rather be Mindy?"  She said bringing him out of the memory.

 

He smiled and in perfect imitation said “nanu nanu” making Katie laugh softly.  Her hand was over her stomach and he really hoped she wasn’t too sick. 

 

It was quiet.  Despite the huge fight he had just had, he was content and immediately got lazy lying on the small space beside her.  It was warm in her room and her bed was comfortable.  He could smell her and her lotion, sweet and light.

 

She was tanned and looked good.  Real good.

 

 "Is Britney still getting ready?"

 

The contentment left him for a moment and he moved his gaze from her legs to her face.  Still, he laughed.  "No, she left.  You didn’t hear her slamming doors?"

 

 "I did, but...”  She shrugged at him sympathetically, “I wasn’t going to bring it up."

 

"She left, we kind of...”  He paused.  “No, we didn’t kind of—we just got in this huge fight."

 

 "About what?"

 

The way she asked it was so mindlessly, as if that was the question she was supposed to ask.  When he looked up at her she was not paying him any attention, just staring at the TV.

 

He bit his lip and kept staring at her, debating whether to really tell her.  He had to, he couldn’t lie to Katie. 

 

"You."

 

Katie’s eyes slowly turned to his and she just stared back at him, then shook her head, “Me?  What did I do?"

 

He could see it in her face that she thought she had said or done something to offend Britney.  That wasn’t it.  Katie and Britney weren’t close, but whenever they were around each other they didn’t hate each other, they laughed and would carry on a conversation.  They appeared to genuinely like each other’s company.  Britney never seemed to question why Katie was around.  She knew that Katie was a great friend to James and Justin and didn’t care about anything else.

 

Until now.

 

He didn’t know how to explain this to her—that maybe they were too close, maybe they did flirt too much.  But he couldn’t help himself.  Even in his nice jeans and stuffy tight shirt and dress shoes, dressed to go out, he couldn’t help but feel comfortable next to her.  She was lazy and looked soft and he wanted to be wrapped up in her.

 

It wasn’t…sexual, really.  It was comfort.  It wasn’t cheating on Britney because he wasn’t in love with Katie and he had never kissed her or fucked her while Britney and him were together.  They had seriously broken up last Thanksgiving.  Sure, it was only for two weeks, but they weren’t together.  It was free territory.

 

Still, he didn’t tell Britney about it. That would just be too much drama that he wasn’t ready to deal with.

 

He found himself staring at her legs again and this time he couldn’t stop.  They looked so tanned and smooth, and he couldn’t stop thinking about how she looked in her bikini on the beach, small and navy, with that damned print on it.  It was a simple bikini and he couldn’t stop thinking about it.  He wondered what else she would wear in the coming days on the beach…

 

…’cause her breasts looked amazing in her bikini top and her hips were curved but slender and… 

 

He forced himself to bite his tongue.  He couldn’t afford to think those things right then.  The other girls were attractive as well, but they all had their navels pierced and had on skimpy tops and manicured nails.  Katie looked natural, her hair perfect and brown, her body smooth and so soft, nothing extra, nothing over done.  He couldn’t help himself from staring at her at the beach.  It had been so long since he had seen her with almost nothing on.

 

There were no frills, no damned piercings or baby oil on her skin or leopard print like James’s girl—what was with James’s girl?  On the beach there was nothing extra to Katie.  It was just her. And he liked that.

 

Lying with her was so dangerous. He kept staring at her smooth legs, thinking about them hanging over him and brushing against him as they wrestled in the water earlier that day.  Their skin slid against each other in the water, and under the waves his fingers tempted to places they shouldn’t have, hands near her breasts, fingertips brushing her thighs.  But he knew this was a mistake.  He shouldn’t be thinking about her body.  He should be thinking about Britney and how to make her not mad at him.

 

But it was hard with Katie there all by herself, looking so good.  She was fit and curvy and her hair was longer now.  She just looked so damned good and she was laughing and telling so many funny stories all the damn time. She was his cute bubbly girl again, and they were close, best friends.  They talked on the phone at least once a week now.  It wasn’t awkward or weird like it was that first time.  That first time, it…well, it fucked with his mind.  It was too much and too intense and too soon, and he didn’t know what to do with it.  So he ran away from her, knowing he couldn’t get too attached, knowing eventually he’d break her heart.

 

Now it was different, they were on a level of understanding.  They didn’t talk about the ski trip, it was like an ice breaker, this thing that let them be reconnected and close again, like they were before all this bull shit started to happen, before he started running off and being in the group—before, when they were kids.

 

It worked.  He knew he’d never get to be with Katie like that again, and…and that was ok.

 

"Well,” he started and sighed.  “Maybe it’s more me.  I don’t know.”

 

He stared at the TV and heard her sigh, then laugh, “What are you talking about Justin?  You know I hate it when you get all cryptic on me.”

 

He turned to her and moved closer so that he was propping his head up on his hand, and laying on his side right beside her, eye level with her now.  "Ok, you know how we act, how close we are?”  He shrugged and stared right at her, “Well she sees that as, I guess, flirting." She was staring right back at him and he hated how big and brown her eyes were. "And maybe it is."

 

Suddenly Katie seemed to cower into herself and became very, very shy, "Well, I don’t see it as flirting.  It’s…it’s just us."

 

Justin nodded and stared down at her body, "Yeah..."

 

It was quiet, and after a few moments debating it in his head, he just went for it and decided to spit it out there because it was time they talked about it.   "But I think we're both trying to avoid the fact that we have had sex....”  He heard her suck in a breath and looked at her.  She stared back at him, nibbling on her lip.  “…and that does mean something."

 

She whispered quickly, "Does she know?"

 

It made him smile and reminded him of that first time, of so many times with her when they would be utterly alone and yet she would whisper, terrified of someone hearing her, of being too loud.  Katie, to begin with, was not a loud girl.  Sometimes her laughter got the best of her, but she didn’t have a loud speaking voice and often took a backseat to conversation, much more of a listener than a talker.  She was always such a great, intense and perfect listener.

 

Justin shook his head and wanted to touch her, even if it was just a touch of her arm, he wanted to.  But he didn’t, knowing that would be so, so dangerous. "No, but maybe we make it obvious without realizing it, and she’s starting to get suspicious."

 

“It was just twice."

 

He stopped looking down at her breasts that were slightly heaving under her tee shirt and stared at her right on.  He rolled his eyes and smirked at her, liking the way she was still biting her lip, looking at him with wide eyes and blushing…like that first time. "I'm assuming you’re lumping that whole ski weekend into one time..."  He kept staring at her and loved that she was starting to smile.   “Cause you kept wanting it and I wasn’t about to deny you.”

 

Her smile dropped though, and she turned up on her side, facing away from him.  His own smirk dropped and he touched her, tugging at her shoulder, trying to get her on her back so he could see her face and lean over her.   "Kate...”  She wouldn’t budge though.  “Why are you ashamed?"

 

“I'm not.  I just...”  She shrugged and said weakly, mumbling, “I didn’t think it'd be something we'd ever talk about."

 

He stopped, took his hand off her shoulder and turned to lie on his back, staring at the ceiling.  Thinking that now, maybe it was a mistake. Maybe she hadn’t known what she was doing.  Maybe she wished it never had happened.

 

"I hope you don’t regret it," he said softly.

 

She turned.  She was smiling a very small smile and relaxed beside him, curled up into herself but facing him.   "I don’t."

 

He smiled back at her and they ignored each other for a while, staring at the TV while the episode of “Mork and Mindy” went off and an episode of “The Cosby Show” came on.  He laid there and relaxed for a bit, feeling his eyes droop.  They had had a couple of exhausting days, drinking a lot, surfing a lot, out in the sun a lot.  In fact his shoulders had been a little burned their first day there and he smiled, remembering how it was Katie who let him borrow some of her aloe lotion to put on his shoulders that evening.  It was Britney who had rubbed it in for him, but Katie…it was Katie who had taken care of him and suggested it.

 

He smiled when suddenly he felt her fingers in his hair, twirling and twirling one of his curls.  He could tell she was doing it absentmindedly and he loved it.  She’d let her finger curl and then it would stop and she would take another curl and do the same thing, tugging just slightly.  He was starting to get tired of his hair being as long as it was, but he was on vacation and didn’t care.  But if it let Katie sit here and play with it, then he would keep it. 

 

During the first commercial break she said. “Well…”  He turned to look up at her when she didn’t finish what she was saying.  She took her hand off his head and laid it on her stomach.  “You think we should try to stop?”

 

He knew she was talking about flirting with him so much and he shrugged and said, "I guess I didn’t realize I've been doing it."  He was lying.

 

“Me neither.”  And in her voice he could tell she was, too.

 

And since flirting was as easy and care free to them as breathing, even though they realized they were flirting, now, in retrospective, during the moment it was a subconscious thing.  How were they to prevent it?  “So are we not supposed to talk to each other?"

 

Katie didn’t answer and he cringed thinking maybe she agreed with his statement.  But then after a moment she said slowly, "I guess, maybe I do hog you a little and I shouldn’t ‘cause she's the woman you’re in love with."

 

"But you are one of my best friends and I know that you and I talk still, but it’s different than ya know…really talking.  I know we aren't as close as you and James, but you are still my friend."

 

He was hoping she would deny him and that part of her would say that that she wasn’t that close to James, that they were closer.  But he knew that wouldn’t happen.  While he had been gone the past few years, James had been there for her, especially her senior year.  And even though James had been on the road with him the past few months, Justin’s once a week call to Katie was a lot different from the two of them, who would call each other once a day.  James would sometimes laugh or say something stupid that Justin wouldn’t understand and then hang up.  Sometimes it would just be “how’d your test go, good…ok see ya, bye.”  And even those small things, Justin was jealous of.

 

He didn’t really know why.  It made no sense to him.  Justin and her were closer when they were kids. And Justin, now, he had all these other friends and a girlfriend.  Katie was just Katie.  It didn’t matter.

 

But it did.

 

He didn’t realize that while James called her everyday, it was always just short check ups.  Justin’s phone call once a week to Katie sometimes lasted for hours.

 

"You shouldn’t feel that way.  Sometimes I feel closer to you." He blinked and then looked at her, really looked at her.  She wasn’t just saying it to placate him.  She really meant it, blindly staring at the TV, saying it as a fact, not as something to make him feel better. 

 

And he understood why she said that.  James and her had never experienced what they had.  James had not seen her in those intimate wild ways of hers.  James didn’t know what they shared.

 

"Cause we had sex."

 

 "No.”  He blinked and stared at her and she shrugged and looked right at him, “Because you let me make mistakes. You're not always hovering over me, making sure I don’t do something wrong."

 

 "What do you mean by that?”  He said defensively.  “James lets you make mistakes, and…and I’m not always making you fuck up."

 

"He's very protective of me, Justin."

 

"Well, I am, too!" he said, burrowing his eyebrows. 

 

Katie giggled at him a little and somehow seemed closer, scooting nearer.

 

 "I love your brother to death, but he's always telling me not to do this or to be careful of this or that, and it’s just like—I’m aware of these things, but it’s my life."  She paused.  “And lately he’s been different, closed off.  I mean he’s never been an open book, but lately…it’s just…different.”

 

Justin relaxed and said, "Maybe you should talk to him about that.  Although, knowing James, that's not gonna stop him from being all protective.  And I know what you mean about him being different.  I’m happy he went on tour with us, but he’s changed a little bit, or least tried to change.  He tries to act like nothing matters or bothers him, but that’s so not him ya know?" He smiled at her and she nodded in response.  He was glad that the conversation was now about his brother and off of him and all the negative fucked up things had done to Katie. 

 

It wasn’t bad though, right?  She liked getting in a little trouble with him.  It was fun.

 

It was never anything bad.  Was sleeping with him bad?  Yes, it wasn’t something he was supposed to do with Katie or even should have done, but it happened and it was fucking….indescribable.

 

And he wasn’t going to regret it or take that back or deny it.

 

 "I don’t mind it.” She smiled, rolled her eyes and pushed at his chest a little bit, “I'm just glad that when I'm with you you’re not always acting like my dad or something."  He grabbed at her hands, unable to stop himself in that one moment.  She smiled at him, pushing at his hands. “That’s the thing between us—James really does act like my brother.  You don’t."

 

He held her hands gently and looked down at them before looking up at her with a very, very lustful look.  He knew she noticed it and he knew she liked it by the look she was returning him. "I like knowing that you feel you can have fun with me and that I don’t treat you that way.  But is it wrong for me to say that I like knowing you are safe when I’m not around, that James is there and I know he won't let anything happen to you?"

 

She nodded and he realized that they were sharing a pillow, only a few inches from each other’s faces.  It was close, dangerously close.  He felt her hand again, playing with his hair.   "I just wish I had a twin that could be on the road with you, protecting you..."

 

He didn’t know what to say to that.  Honestly, he didn’t think Katie thought that much about him while he was gone.  They were friends, sure, and they had shared something incredible.  But whenever he started thinking of her late at night, or after she had called him, he would think about how much fun she was having, and how he wasn’t apart of her mind all the time.  She had school.  She had friends.  To her, he was just Justin.  He could back off of her, save his own sanity, not hurt her in the process and therefore wouldn’t worry about it so much.

 

But maybe he was wrong.

 

Suddenly, she said, "Maybe you should take her out tomorrow."

 

"Just her and I?"  He looked up at her

 

She pulled her arms into her chest and crossed them, making a point not to look at him, breaking their physical and visual contact.  She stared blankly at the TV.  "Yeah, there's some great like hiking stuff around here, I think. Ya know, waterfalls and volcanoes, tropical stuff, all romantic."

 

"You think she will like that?"

 

"I don’t know.”  She smiled slightly and shrugged and looked right at him, “I know that I would if I was dating someone.  I think right now she probably just wants to be alone with you, be reassured that you’re still, I don’t know, in love or whatever."

 

"I do love her,” he said, looking away from Katie.  “And I think that is why I am so mad right now.  She should know that she is the one I love.  That no one else is even in the picture." 

 

He needed in that moment to reassure himself that he was with Britney and did love her.  Of course he did.  They had shared a lot together and she knew things about him no one else did, and probably never would.  They were much more intimate now.  She had let him have sex with her.  It was intense.

 

It was what he thought being in love should be, and she fit him and fit him well.

 

"Maybe I should back off then," Katie said softly.

 

But that was the problem.  He wanted Katie, too.  Maybe not to be in love with her or to date her; that would hurt her too much, and it would hurt him as well, the distance, the lifestyle.  She was his Katie, his friend, it would be too much.  But he couldn’t just walk around and act like she was is sister.  He just couldn’t deny the fact that they had had sex, they had fucked, and they had done it hard and passionately, something he didn’t really know sex could be like, until her.  Until her it was just to get off, it felt incredible but with her it was this almost a spiritual feeling that he couldn’t even explain or describe.

 

"But I don't want that either, Kate.  I love you in my life and I don't know what I would do if I didn't know you were there for me to talk to."

 

"Maybe we should just try to stop the flirting or whatever."  She smiled briefly and then it fell and the more he looked at her the more he realized that somewhere in her she had doubts and maybe regrets.  She looked sullen in that moment, staring down at her stomach, tugging on the bottom of her shirt with her fingers, the shirt almost covering all of her shorts.  She kept glancing up at the TV, purposefully ignoring him.

 

He couldn’t help himself.  He pushed himself right up beside her, flush against her and whispered close to her face, "You’re not a back up for me.  I’ve never considered you that."

 

He watched as Katie not only brushed it all off, but ignored the fact they were physically so close.   He couldn’t really blame her.  It was dangerous.  She giggled and looked at him briefly, "If I feel the need to flirt I'll just do it with James ‘cause it'll freak him out and maybe scare off that tramp he's dating."

 

He allowed for the change in subject and laughed, "Yeah, what's with that girl?”  He shook his head.  He had hung out with her a few times over the past couple weeks and asked James what her deal was.  James would always just smile arrogantly and say, “She’s hot.”  Justin thought differently.

 

“She's sketchy. Where did he find that one? And why the hell is he always going for girls like that?  Like ever since he’s come on tour with me he’s hooking up with these girls that are just, well, nothing but boobs.”

 

Katie giggled, but Justin felt serious for some reason, “Seriously Katie, like I’ve known Brandi for a couple weeks now and I don’t get it.  She’s totally not the type I thought James would be with.  None of the girls he’s dated for the past few months have been his type.  It’s weird.”

 

Katie’s voice dropped and she turned and stared right at him, eyes sparkling with secrets.  "She got drunk one night and her and James called me up.  James just rambled and got all serious like he does, but she asked me if I wanted to do a three way with her and James.  I hadn’t met her at the time!"

 

 "What!"  Justin couldn’t stop himself.  That was a bold thing, a bold thing for Brandi to ask, and even a bolder thing for Katie to repeat.

 

It was a fantasy, of course.  Something he was unsure would ever happen to him and he was unsure if he ever wanted it to happen, but thinking about Katie’s soft skin against another girl’s soft skin…

 

He shifted and bit his lip looking at her. 

 

Thinking, now, about her soft skin against his body, no one else’s.  No fucking other person male or female.  Just them.

 

"Mmhmm,” She purred and curled up into him, flirting.  “It was so hot, too when we did it."

 

He laughed, controlling himself and her joking before she took it too far.  "I didn't know you went that way."

 

"I like skanks," she said and smiled at him.  "They’re up for anything."

 

“Well...”  He couldn’t help himself and brought it up again.  “If I remember correctly, you always seemed up for anything...”  He looked down at her as she was almost lying underneath where he was propped up.  He took his hand and touched the nape of her neck with his finger.  “But you’re not a skank."

 

"Justin," she whispered his name and it sounded like when he slept with her that first time, and it sounded like her voice those mornings in Colorado, when they’d wake up tired, sore, and happy. 

 

He smoothed his hand over her neck and around it and dipped down a little, relaxing on his shoulder, inches from her face, holding her neck so she couldn’t turn away.  "Well you aren’t a skank." He couldn’t stop.  His fingers moved up to her cheek and even though he knew she was trying to stop it, she molded her face into his palm.

 

"There’s a fine line between sexy and skanky,” he said, now rubbing his thumb over her bottom lip.  She just stared at him.  “And you balance it perfectly."

 

She gulped but didn’t push him away.  "You should stop."

 

"Why?”  There was no way he could stop now and no reason for it.  There was no reason for him to stop, in his mind, in the entire world.  He smiled at her.  She made him happy.  God, she made him happy. He moved his hand down, down to her shoulder and smoothed down under her arm and through her side and waist, gripping her there in the dip of her figure.  “I am just telling you what I see."

 

Her eyes blinked and she narrowed them a little.  "Don’t you think it’s bad to call me sexy when you have a girlfriend?"

 

"No.”  He pulled back a little, feeling deflated.  “I can appreciate a sexy woman and still be faithful to her." 

 

"So look but not touch, huh?"  She pulled away and exhaled heavily, resting on her back and not her side, staring at the ceiling.

 

It had gotten heavy.  He could feel himself half hard and he tried not to notice that her nipples were hard underneath her shirt.  It wasn’t cold.  God, if anything it was too hot.

 

He smirked at her, looking over her body and really appreciating how good she looked, how fine she had turned out, how much the cute little dimpled girl with brown curls and freckles had turned into a sexy young woman, small, but with long and lean legs, and a soft body.  And a smile, a fucking smile that took his breath away.

 

"Yeah,” he swallowed.  “I can window shop.

 

She rolled her eyes and her arms were back crossed over her chest.  "Didn’t know I was merchandize."

 

"Girl, you know you are sexy.  I am not the only one who looks at you.  You know that.”

 

She bit her lip and her arms loosened their tight hold on her chest.  She glanced at him.   "I did notice you staring at me at the beach yesterday.  I thought my bathing suit was just ugly or something."

 

"That bathing suit was far from ugly,”  He shook his head and got closer still.  “But I wasn't really looking at that."

 

She was staring at him now.  She bit her lip and as he looked at her he could tell she was debating, battling herself in her mind about what to do and say. Finally, her voice was small when she asked, "What were you looking at?"

 

Her body pressed deep into the mattress below her. 

 

He leaned in and smoothed his hand over her stomach, saying without a smile or smirk, just staring at her.  "I was remembering what was under that suit."

 

She gasped, whispered and barely said his name as her eyes fluttered lower.

 

"Kate...." He copied her tone and leaned in, closing his eyes and gulping at the thought of doing this with her, of kissing her again, of taking it further again.  Or maybe he’d just be content with laying here and kissing, tasting her over and over until they fell asleep.  Or maybe with his hands on her skin, just smoothing over it softly.  Or maybe, just maybe he could plunge deep inside of her and just lay there, lay there and feel himself inside of her body, her inside his mind, eating it up entirely.

 

He couldn’t stop himself and leaned in completely.

 

She turned her head.  His nose bumped into her cheek.  His lips brushed air.

 

"Don’t Justin."

 

He pulled back from her, putting a foot of space between them.  He stared at her, confused and in shock.

 

"Don’t start,” she said not looking at him.  “Cause you know we won’t be able to stop.”  Her voice faltered and she stuttered, her hands picking at her shirt, her pushing herself up on the pillows, sitting up, away from him.  “When, when you guys were taking a break it was one thing, but this is different, much different."

 

He lay on his back and covered his face with his hands and sighed deeply.  This was unfair, completely unfair, and it was his fault. 

 

He moaned out a little and couldn’t control himself or hold his tongue in check when he admitted to her, “God you just, you don’t understand Katie.  Sometimes I’m fine when I see you.  But then, sometimes I just can’t help myself.  It’s like if I don’t have—“ He stopped mid sentence.  “I don’t know, it’s just like a drug or something."

 

It was quiet for a moment before she whispered, “I'm sorry."

 

He moved his hands from his face and plopped them down by his sides.   "Don’t.  Don’t ever be sorry for what we've done together.  Don’t.  Please."

 

She nodded and then said, "I'm kind of tired."

 

"Me too." 

 

It was over. 

 

They both didn’t want to deal with it anymore.  It was too much, and he just hoped he hadn’t ruined the close friendship they had grown to cherish over the past few months in the past few minutes. Yes, it was hard to be the way he wanted to with Katie when he was in love with someone else, but it wasn’t like he could date Katie.  It wasn’t the same.  Katie didn’t understand his world like Britney did.  Katie wouldn’t be able to handle it.

 

At least, that’s what he kept trying to tell himself: it wouldn’t work.  But really, he just knew somehow he’d hurt her and hurting Katie wasn’t an option.  He hated to think that maybe his career and lifestyle was just an excuse for him not to get in over his head.  Katie was dangerous.  Katie could warp his mind and heart and soul and leave him weak and stranded.  What if she found someone better?

 

He had a feeling even if he was a nobody from Tennessee and worked at a grocery store or if he was just a janitor or something, he’d still make an excuse for her.  She was too much.  She was too dangerous.

 

He couldn’t handle her.

 

And it was dangerous to keep talking about them together, naked and fucking.  It was too much to discuss their feelings and what they did together.  It brought up emotions and memories that neither of them could deal with.  Friendship and ten months since they had last slept together had done nothing to make them forget or make them get over the fact that they had spent that weekend in Colorado in each others arms, panting and groaning and getting each other off. 

 

And nothing could change the fact that he had taken her virginity or that she had stolen his sanity.

 

He remained quiet and finally closed his eyes and turned on his side, flopping into the pillow and breathing heavily.  He focused on sleep and dozed for a moment, in and out of reality, in and out of her, thinking about everything and nothing all at once.

 

Reality smacked back into him several minutes later.  It could have been an hour even, he didn’t know.  He felt the bed move and he felt a presence close to his back, curled up to every inch of him, but not touching him.

 

And then he felt it more than he heard it, whispered right on the back of his bare neck, "You’re sexy, too.”

He didn’t move.  He didn’t change his breathing.  He couldn’t do anything or he’d get them in trouble.

 

He just laid there.

 

And he smiled.

Katie didn’t expect to wake up with Justin the next morning.  She knew he probably left soon after she dozed off behind him, or either got up that morning.  He was a light sleeper, while she slept heavy.  She was cold when she woke up in her room, the TV was off, the lights, too, and she was lying on top of her bed covers in her shorts and shirt from the night before.  Her legs were covered in chill bumps and she immediately pulled herself under the comforter and sheets and prayed for more sleep, sleep that never came.

 

Minutes later, with a sigh and a slouch, she rolled out of bed and shuffled out towards the kitchen.

 

She wasn’t sure what happened the night before.  Part of her was angry with herself for not letting him closer, the other part of her was triumphant.  It was dangerous, it wasn’t right, especially with Britney there.  It was so wrong, so very wrong.  They weren’t together; she accepted that.  She was ok with being just his friend.

 

She knew she couldn’t have more.  She didn’t want more.  At least, she didn’t think she did.

 

When she shuffled into the kitchen, Trace was sitting at the table slurping on a bowl of cereal.  He lifted his hand to smack hers and after she did he said, “James and Brandi and Nikki are down at the beach.  I was hung over so I figured I’d wait for you.”

 

“What time is it?”

 

“Almost 11.”

 

“Really?” She glanced around for a clock, finding truth in his statement blinking on the microwave. 

 

“Yeah.”  He yawned and dropped his spoon into his empty bowl.  “Justin and Britney already left.”

 

“Left?”

 

“Yeah, they went hiking.  I think they got in a fight last night.”  He pulled the bowl up to his lips and sucked down the rest of the sugar infused milk.

 

“Oh.”  She just shook her head and walked over to the fridge to pull out something to drink.  She was confused.  She thought they were fighting, but apparently they weren’t anymore.  It shouldn’t have mattered anyway, and she tricked herself into believing that it didn’t for the rest of the day.   

 

She had found out later, pretty much by silently listening to the others’ conversations that last night, when they got back from the club, Britney and Justin were outside on the porch talking.  He must have gotten up soon after she had fallen asleep. Britney never made it to the club with everyone, and apparently she had come back to the house, talked to him, and they had made up enough for Justin to convince her to go on that romantic hike.

 

She almost cursed herself for telling him to do that.  But they were friends; jealousy wasn’t an option.  She was happy if they were happy.

 

And they were happy.

 

They were fucking blissful.

 

They came back late from their hike, barely saying a “hey, oh my god, its so cool up there” before giggling into the shower.  An hour later they were out, saying goodbye to everyone, dressed up for a nice date while everyone else ate pizza. 

 

Third wheel she was that night.  Brandi and James were making out while they watched a movie and Nikki fell asleep with her head in Trace’s lap.  After a while, Katie just stood up and walked outside in the dark and padded straight over to the beach and sat there staring out at the ocean, wondering why all of a sudden she wasn’t having fun with her friends any more.

 

She felt weird and stupid and wondered why she had even agreed to come out here in the first place.  This was a couples’ thing, this was for all of them to hook up and drink and have fun with their significant other.  She really didn’t know why the hell she was there.

 

She slept uneasily that night, and when she woke up that morning and shuffled into the kitchen, just like the morning before, she was unprepared for what awaited her.

 

It had been fine when they were gone.  When they were gone being romantic together that was one thing.  It was another thing when it was smack dab in front of her.

 

Instead of Trace sitting at the table slurping cereal, they were there: his arms around her, kissing her neck gently, his front to her back.  His eyes were closed as if he was so content with being with her and only her.  No one else was on his mind. Britney was smiling and laughing softly as he whispered something in her ear.  Katie was frozen.

 

They started kissing, he moaned against her mouth and Katie gulped, remembering that sound. She could see how deep they were kissing, how smooth, how it fit for them.

 

They didn’t see her.

 

They didn’t even notice her.

 

Katie had to get out of there.  She quietly tried to walk past them without noticing but before she could take a step she was re-frozen, still staring, and unable to breathe or move. 

 

Britney spoke.

 

“Stop...”

 

But it wasn’t directed towards Katie. 

 

Justin was flirting back with her, “You like it…”

 

Britney turned her head away and opened her eyes.  Now, Katie was caught, staring right back at them.

 

She forced a tight, “Morning.”

 

“Morning.”  Britney smiled at her easily, happily.  She seemed to have no idea that anything had gone on between Katie and Justin.  Katie crumbled in Britney’s smile, even though it was not triumphant or mean to any extent.  Britney had no clue about her and Justin.

 

Her and Justin?  There was no her and Justin.

 

And Justin didn’t look at Katie, he didn’t move, he just continued to kiss Britney’s neck.

 

“Ok, you two are freaks.”  Katie jumped at the sound behind her and breathed out slowly when she realized it was only her cousin walking into the kitchen.  He gave them a weird glance as he brushed past them to get to the fridge.

 

“What?”  Justin raised his eyes.  In that moment Katie darted hers away because Justin was no longer paying attention to Britney. And neither was he looking at Trace.

 

“We heard you guys all fucking night…”  Trace exclaimed, grabbing a cup from the cabinet to pour himself some juice. “…fucking.”

 

“Trace, shut up,” Justin said in a stern voice.

 

“He’s just jealous.” This time fright didn’t enter her when someone spoke behind her.  Instead, Katie sighed when she heard James’ deep, barely awake voice.  He as well walked into the kitchen.  Katie was standing there on the corner of it, away from everyone else, frozen on the outskirts of their little bubble, unable to do anything.

 

Trace ignored James and rolled his eyes.  “Katie’s just lucky her room is on the other side of the house.  James,” he said, hitting James’ shoulder lightly with the back of his hand.  “Did you hear them?”

 

Katie just watched as color flooded Britney’s face and she tucked into Justin who was now staring at the ceiling and biting his bottom lip.

 

“You spend too much time worrying about other people’s sex lives,” James said, and Katie almost laughed at how mature James was trying to sound.  But she couldn’t concentrate on that.  She was moving her eyes from Justin’s frustrated face down and down, now staring at Justin’s thumb moving slowly over the bare part of Britney’s hip that was showing above her rolled down boxers.

 

His thumb had done the same to her before.

 

She shook her head.  It didn’t matter.  It shouldn’t matter.

 

“Maybe it’s because he doesn’t know how to fuck his woman right!  Sucks for Nikki,” Justin’s tone was bitter.

 

Now it was Trace’s turn to be defensive, “Oh shut up.”

 

And she couldn’t take it anymore.  To go outside, to get to the sliding door that led to the back porch, she would have to pass them all, but closest to the door were Justin and Britney.  There was no escape, she had to go past them.

 

She made her move and padded silently forward, not looking at anything but the floor below her.  “Excuse me,” she whispered to no one in particular.

 

She could hear the silence around her and hoped no one was staring at her.  She struggled to get the door open.  It was locked and when she got it unlocked and opened, the screen door was there, and it too wouldn’t budge.  She felt like a fool as she pushed at the door and nothing happened.  Finally she realized the tiny notch lock on that door was clicked over and she burst through the door and let it snap shut behind her, saying a silent prayer.  She blinked so the tears wouldn’t prick her eyelids.  She wouldn’t be that ridiculous.  The ocean breeze felt good against her face, smacked reality and life back in her, but still, it made her eyes water.

 

It was just the salt, she thought.  Just…just the salt air. 

 

The waves crashing were just enough to drown out any other noise, but not enough to drown out her own thoughts.  She didn’t want anyone looking through the glass at her, so she stepped down the porch steps and sat on the last rung, dipping her bare feet into the soft, cool sand at the bottom.  Maybe if everyone else went to the beach that day, she would hang out at the house.  There was a pool on the other side of the porch.  Or maybe she’d take the rental car and go into town and find a bookstore and buy more books.

 

She had finished her last one the day before.  A murder mystery, that’s what she needed, not a sappy romance novel like she had been reading.

 

She wouldn’t be the third wheel any longer.  She would simply be on her own, merely sharing a house with them all.  She could handle it.  She was strong.

 

“Katie?”

 

She literally jumped and turned when she heard the soft, small voice, and she shielded her eyes to see the blonde girl at the top of the porch steps, staring down at her.  The comfort she had once felt in being alone, the relaxation the cool sand and breeze afforded her now picked at her skin and she felt tingly and jittery all over, out of control and panicky.

 

“Oh hey…”

 

“You alright?”

 

The sun behind Britney made her look like only a darkened, shadowy mass, like some demonic force as from a painting, coming to judge Katie.  She knew it.  Justin and her had talked.  It was likely, with as close as they seemed now, that Justin had told her all about them.  He had told her they had slept together.  Then he had told her it would never happen again because he didn’t love Katie, because he loved her.

 

Katie knew it.

 

Britney smiled and sat down on the step behind her. 

 

Katie struggled to find her voice.  Britney had asked her a question. Katie had to answer it.  She had to pretend to be normal. “Just tired, I’m going to go on a walk I think in a bit and clear my head and try to wake up.”

 

“We should hang out today.” 

 

Katie almost said, “what?” but didn’t.  Britney was still smiling.  It was weird.  It was genuine!  It wasn’t said in any sort of “suck it, bitch” way, or any type of conniving, secretive way.  Britney seemed to mean what she said with no other motive. 

 

She shrugged and reached down to hug her knees a little bit.  “I kind of want to go shopping and I know Justin just wants play in the ocean,” she laughed and rolled her eyes.  “And I’m kind of getting tired of laying out every day.”

 

“Oh, well…” Katie eyed her.  “Maybe.”

 

“I just,” Britney sighed.  “I guess I wanted to say thanks.”

 

“For what?” Katie replied, thinking to herself, ‘For fucking your boyfriend when you guys took a break?  For almost making out with him the other night?  For wanting him so bad it hurts?  For pretty much hating you for existing?  For pretty much hating myself for being so ridiculous?’

 

“Come on girl,” Britney nudged Katie’s shoulder with her elbow.  “I know you suggested him those trails yesterday.  I really liked it.  It was so fucking romantic and stuff.  You should be a travel agent!”

 

“Ha, yeah maybe.”  This was getting awkward, but as awkward as it was for Katie, she could tell there was no awkwardness in Britney’s eyes.

 

She really had no idea.

 

It was clear now.  Katie had been wrong, Britney was in the dark.

 

Justin had kept them a pretty little secret tied tight behind his teeth.

 

A dark urge to spit it all right in front of her face erupted inside of her, but she held it down tight.  It wasn’t her place and it wasn’t something Katie could do.  Keeping secrets was one of her better traits, but it was to a point where she sacrificed herself to keep these secrets, no matter how much they hurt.

 

She couldn’t just sit there and tell Britney that her and Justin had once been as intimate as two people could.  She couldn’t sit there and tell Britney that she probably knew more about him than his own girlfriend did.  She couldn’t do it and she couldn’t hurt someone else, no matter how badly she felt pain inside of her.

 

Why did it hurt?  It wasn’t supposed to hurt.

 

But it also wasn’t supposed to happen.

 

“Like, sorry to gush,” Katie sighed, bracing herself for it.  “But there were all these waterfalls and we could swim in them and no one else was around. It was so freakin’ awesome!”

 

Yes, Britney didn’t know.

 

“That sounds great.” 

 

But she was digging a dagger deeper and deeper into Katie’s chest, whether she knew it or not.

 

“I just, I feel bad I guess.”

 

“Why?” Katie asked weakly, silently praying Britney would leave her alone.

 

“I don’t know.  I mean, I know you’re really good friends with all the guys, but I know it must suck being the only girl here that’s single, especially when there aren’t any single guys here either!  I mean, hell if I had known I would have gotten one of my dancers to come with us so you could have a buddy.”

 

It was sweet, but Katie sunk down into herself, feeling lower and more pathetic with every syllable Britney spoke. 

 

“Thanks.”

 

“I got some hot ones!”  Her gesture was heart felt but it was the worst thing she had ever said to Katie.  Tears had to be silently eradicated against her forearm as she pretended to wipe her hair out of her eyes.  She felt miserable, alone, and worthless. 

 

It wasn’t supposed to be this way.  It never was.  It was a mistake, but he was her best friend and she couldn’t help herself.

 

It was just supposed to be one time, and then it was more.  It wasn’t supposed to hurt.

 

And it was not supposed to feel that good…

 

…that—that right.

 

“Straight ones, too.”  Britney giggled.

 

It wasn’t just the fact that his girlfriend was sitting here talking to her, but that she was pitying her, that she was stuck here, that she really was alone and that other people noticed it now.  It was wrong, but it had been fine when Justin was hanging out with her on the beach, when they were goofing off and maybe even flirting.  It was wrong, because Britney was being ignored and she had all the attention.

 

The roles had changed now; they were in their proper place.  And whereas Britney was sitting here pitying and trying to be a friend to the lonely girl on the porch steps, Katie had done no such thing several days before when Britney had been the one alone.

 

It was all just getting worse.

 

But she had to suck it up.  She was strong and she wasn’t going to just sit here and mope like some pathetic little girl begging for the attention of some boy.

 

The dagger Britney had force into her had to be dealt with.  Katie had to take that dagger, grasp the handle tight and slide it out of her chest.  She had to hand it back to Britney and hold her hand close to her heart, pushing back the blood and the gore, forcing her heart to continue beating.  She had to act like it was a mere scratch.  She had to smile.  She had to fake it.  She had to pretend that the world was fine. 

 

She was fine.  It was just sex.  It was nothing.  They weren’t even in love or anything…

 

It was just sex…

 

That was all it ever could be.

 

She was a grown woman.  She shouldn’t be pining away for him like he was her super star.  He was just her Justin, she wasn’t a fan and she didn’t have a crush.  She was just confused and lonely.  A lot of girls her age were.  She would be fine.

 

In two weeks she’d be back on campus, there would be hot guys in her classes.  She was attractive, she knew this.  She was a good girl, funny at times. She would have dates.  She would have a boyfriend.

 

It would be fine. 

 

Her arm, though, was getting tired and she felt weak and dizzy from pressing her hand to her wound.

 

“Yeah, it’s cool,” she lied.  “I don’t mind being the inevitable third wheel.  I deal with it if it means I get to spend time with Justin…” She paused and remember to add, “And Trace too, ya know?  With them living in Orlando now, I don’t see them much.  And James, well, he’s in this party mode and always with his brother, so I guess its good to see him, too.”

 

“He’s sweet.  I think you should get rid of that girl he’s dating now and date him.  Y’all’d be sweet together.”

 

Katie really did laugh at this.  “James and I are too much alike.”

 

“And therefore you’d be perfect.”  Britney smiled and Katie turned to actually face Britney and say to her face how much she loved James but how it would never, ever work out.  She didn’t want Britney to sit there and be another person that was all gung ho about her and James getting married and having babies.

 

She was starting to hear it more from people in town, even her own mother had mentioned it.  ‘Well why don’t you date James?’ she had said one night when Katie was visiting and complaining about the guys at her school.

 

It wasn’t going to happen.  It never could happen and she needed Britney to know that.  She needed someone to know that.

 

But when she turned, Justin was standing at the top of the steps, looking down at them. He blocked the sun as well, but this time the figure with curly hair and long limbs reminded her of one of those angelic paintings not of a demon. 

 

And she couldn’t stop gazing up at him.

 

“What are you guys talking about?”  He was staring right back at her and his look was that of apology and fear.

 

“Girl stuff,” Britney giggled.

 

“Should I leave?”  Katie half smiled at him, she could tell he wanted to leave.

 

But part of him wanted to stay, she could sense it.  He wanted to regulate the conversation.

 

“No you can sit here,” Britney said, patting the step beside her.  He didn’t sit there; he sat at the top of the porch.   “I’m trying to convince Katie to go shopping with me today.”

 

“Really?”  Justin asked with a heavy exhale.  It came out more shocked than he intended, and he glanced at Katie and then at Britney.

 

“Yeah, maybe I’ll get you a present.”  Britney leaned in and her hand touched his bare knee and rubbed him there.  Katie watched as her hand went slightly higher, teasing him.

 

“What will you get me?” And she witnessed as Justin couldn’t resist flirting back.

 

“I don’t know….”

 

She couldn’t take it.  She stood up and said quickly, “I’m going to go on my walk.”

 

“Do you want company?”  Britney asked.

 

“No,” she said forcefully. Katie turned and Justin’s hand was rubbing on Britney’s neck.  But his eyes were on her: they went from confusion to fear to worry in a matter of seconds, and she just forced a smile and shrugged, saying much calmer, “no, no thanks.”

 

She started walking, forgetting her sunglasses, forgetting a hair tie.  It didn’t matter, the sun was blinding and she liked it, her hair whipped her face and she relished in it.  Torture, physical pain, she needed it to take her mind off the two of them flirting right beside her.

 

She needed to take her mind off of him.  She’d do it.  It would work.

 

She’d make it work.  She’d find someone or something to take her mind off of him. 

 

She’d do it.  And she’d like it.  She had to. 

 

There was no other choice.  The fantasy of her and him possibly being perfect for each other, was over.  He had Britney, they were in love, they probably always would be. 

 

She’d probably be a fucking bridesmaid by next year.

 

And she wouldn’t complain.  She’d hold her bouquet tightly, hoping there were roses, hoping the roses had thorns, hoping to pierce her own skin, to keep her mouth shut, to concentrate on something else. 

 

There were roses and there were thorns for a long, long time.  And they helped her keep her mind occupied with other men and other things.   And they kept her mouth shut.

 

Soon she forgot how to open it, she forgot how to speak and they became no longer possible lovers, or even past lovers.  They were a fleeting memory and friendship, pure, mild friendship washed over them for two lonely years.

 

Her wounds scabbed over, she healed, but one little thorn imbedded itself into her palm and no matter how much she tried, it would not wedge itself out.  And once, every now and then, he’d call, or she’d see him and that pain, throbbing from the center of her hand would rush back.

 

It always came back.

December 2001

 

Charlie had two more hours until he would be off.  He had been invited, but knew getting off work late and then driving outside of Memphis would put him in a piss poor mood.  It was a long shift that day.  Damn the holidays, damn couples wanting a romantic date out, damn waiting tables.

 

But she was patient with him and didn’t mind, though she wished he were there to hang out.  She wanted them to meet him.  Her cousin, being off with Justin, had yet to meet him and she knew Justin would like him.  And she knew Britney would gush to her how cute he was.  James and Charlie were already pretty well acquainted now that James came back from Florida for longer periods of time.  They seemed to get along just fine.

 

He was cute; he was very, very cute. He was tall, but not too tall and he had dark hair and dark eyes and a smile and laugh and dimples that could make the grumpiest old lady giggle like a little girl.  He was charming, he was fit, he was sweet, he was funny, and he was sexy as hell.

 

She tried not to think about him too much.  She knew it would make her giggle.  She concentrated on making fun of James and Trace who were battling over the stupid TV like loser nerds.  But she couldn’t help it, he was her man, he was her boyfriend.

 

And he had told her how much he loved her. 

 

It took them a while, almost sixth months to get to that point.  They both had issues, they both had unresolved feelings for other people, they both had broken hearts.  And together, they both moved on.

 

She was in love, she was fairly certain of it.  It looked like love, it felt like love.  She was happy with him, content, she thought of little else.

 

And she was over Justin Timberlake.

 

It was a hard end to her summer after she went to Hawaii.  The days before school started were long and tedious.  She was alone and bored and thought only of him and her together, they were always fucking together.  She didn’t blame him for turning the switch on her so fast: from being her friend and casually flirting with her, to fucking laying beside her in her bed, to then being obsessed and enrapt in his girlfriend. 

 

She could see it in his face, she could sense it in her heart—they were going down a dangerous path.  Friends they could be, more than that—no.  It was unfair to both of them, and the only way to stop it from emerging, the only way to quell the feelings that overflowed in Colorado and overflowed when she was 17, was to banish them.

 

He had to hurt her.  He had to push her away.  And she had to accept it. 

 

Oh, was it hard to accept it, but she did and she did so faithfully.  Only at night, when she was alone in her bed, in her one bedroom apartment, did she let out her frustration and anger and bitterness and sorrow.

 

Classes started, it was a welcome distraction.  She thrusted herself into her studies, made no friends, made perfect grades.  Her life was school, school, and more school.  She had no time to think of her best friend.  She talked with him occasionally, but kept it friendly.  James noticed a change in her, noticed her pull away, noticed all her little faults, noticed every little thing about her, things she herself didn’t notice.  A glassy look in her eyes, a tremble of her lips—he noticed these things especially when he mentioned his brother.

 

Brandi was gone, left the day they returned from Hawaii.  A new girl, a stewardess in fact, had fixed his eye on the flight home.  It was her first flight, her first time, her first trial, and he teased her and flirted with her and was thankful she was stationed out of Memphis.

 

It didn’t last long, it never did. 

 

Katie tried to mother him, to talk sense into his repetitive cycle, and he would laugh at her and tell her she worried too much.  Truth was, he worried about her.

 

He worried about her from that week in August until the last week of January. She had been in classes for a semester and for those five months she had been a scholastic zombie.

 

Partners were needed for a class assignment, a bull shit idea that Katie wanted no part of.  Group work was always a bad idea:  one person always did the work, the others never pulled their weight.  In fact, it was the day before partners had to be assigned and projects chosen that everything changed.  She had walked up to her professor after class and asked if there was any way she could work on the project alone, that she understood in a business class group work was necessary, but that…

 

Before she could finish her argument a fellow student had walked up to the desk of her professor and claimed the same problem, that he worked every night, that finding time to work with a partner would be hard.

 

She glanced at him, he glanced at her and gave a sympathetic look.  The professor was done.  He had shut his briefcase and said, “if you two are so adamant about getting out of group work, then I think there would be no better partner for either of you than each other.”

 

The professor left promptly and Katie could only say a, “but...” and the door was shut, and she and her classmate were left alone.

 

“Nice try.  And alas, now we are stuck, both unwanting of each other.”

 

She narrowed her eyes at him, “Are you always this dramatic? Cause I will drop the class to get out of doing a project with Mr. Dramatic.”

 

“I’m Charlie,” he had laughed.  “Mr. Charlie Dramatic.”

 

His smile made her smile.  After the next class period, after their project was chosen, they made arrangements to meet at the library.  He kissed her the second time they met at the library, tucked in a corner, away from view.  They had laughed, someone had shushed them, and Katie left, holding his hand and smiling.

 

He was always, always making her smile.

 

It had almost been a year now, a perfect, carefree, enjoyable year with Charlie.  He had yet to make her cry.

 

“Cry about it why don’t you!” 

 

She breathed deep and focused in on the two guys that were sprawled out on the floor in front of her.  One of them, who was laying on his stomach, was kicking his socked feet up in the air in a happy manner; the other, sitting Indian style, was beating his controller into his head, making the wire flap in the air that was connected to the X-Box.

 

“You’re a sore loser, buzz.”  Katie laughed.

 

“Fucking cheat,” Trace grumbled and dropped his controller.  “The game cheats!”

 

“You used to say that about Katie,” she smiled when James looked over his shoulder at her and winked.  “Remember when you used to kick everyone’s ass at Dr. Mario?”

 

“Aww, I loved that game.”  Katie turned and smiled at the blonde beside her. She was flipping through a People magazine sitting with her legs crossed, her foot bobbing, almost as if she were waiting for an appointment, except her shoes were off and her hair was a mess on top of her head and her glasses were on.  Katie liked this side of Britney Spears.  She was normal, she was cute, she wasn’t frilly or fussy, just a fun girl who Katie never felt she had to act differently around.

 

Sure, at first it was weird—she was with her Justin, her Justin, but now, she didn’t really see him like that.  He wasn’t hers to keep and hold and protect.  They were friends, that was all.  Britney embraced that, and in a way Katie felt she owed it to be nice to Britney.  She had never done anything to hurt her, had been more than nice to her and now, now that Charlie was around, it was nice to have a girl to dish with.

 

Her and Britney weren’t great friends, they didn’t talk on the phone or hang out alone, but whenever Justin was around, Britney was around, and for Katie, it was really nice to not be the only girl in a group of rowdy boys.

 

“Do you guys still have that old Nintendo?” Katie asked and James shrugged.

 

“It’s in the attic.”  He took a breath and started to say in a loud voice, “Mo-“

 

“Stop!”  Katie yelled and leaned forward to smack his foot.  “You are not going to make your poor mother go up in the attic to find a damned Nintendo.”

 

“Boys are silly,” Britney said, and Katie nodded and leaned back against where she was sitting Indian style on the couch.

 

“Forreals.”  The boys started playing their game and Britney leaned closer to her and pointed to a picture of a shirtless Paul Walker all perfect and glossy in the magazine.

 

“Except that one,” she laughed.

 

“No, that one is not silly. Not at all,” Katie replied in a slow tone to prove her point, and both of them fell into giggles, staring at the cut body on the page before them.

 

“I met him at the Billboard awards and, oh my god girl, I thought I was going hump him or something.”

 

Katie leaned her head back against the couch and laughed heartily. “That would have been awkward….”  She stopped laughing suddenly and said seriously, “but worth it.”

 

They both laughed even more until Britney gasped and said, “Don’t tell Justin…”

 

“Don’t tell me what?”

 

“Nothing!”  Both girls separated, the magazine was thrown to the floor and they both bit nervously at their lips, trying not to laugh at the guy that was standing behind the couch, staring at both of them with his arms over his chest.

 

“Y’all are dangerous,” he said before bending his frame in half down over the back of couch and grinning at his girlfriend. “Wanna go walk?”

 

“It’s cold.” Katie watched as Britney turned up her nose.

 

“So?  Come on, me and you…”

 

She shrugged. “I don’t really want to.  I’ll have to find my shoes and get a coat.”

 

“You suck.”  Justin sighed, turned his head to the TV screen and watched the game for a few seconds, still leaning over the couch before saying,  “Anyone else wanna go outside?”

 

He was met with only the sounds of gunshots coming from the TV.

“I’ll go,” Katie said with a yawn before pulling her legs out in front of her and pointing her socked toes.  “My legs are cramping anyway.”  She smiled, stood up, stretched and then looked at Britney and laughed. “Let me know if Trace cries.”

 

“Shut it buzz,” Trace monotoned, not taking his eyes off the screen in front of them.  Something about that damn Halo game had had these boys obsessed for a month now, Charlie played it with his roommate all the time.  She didn’t see the appeal.

 

“I think he’s in time for a come back,” Britney said, picking her magazine back up.

 

“Thank you!  At least someone has some faith in me!” 

 

Katie laughed at her cousin and walked to the front door with Justin.  She didn’t have a coat with her, just put on her tennis shoes and smiled at Justin as he put on a large coat that made him look like the Michilin tire man.  She called him out on this and he swatted at her.  But once they got outside she was no longer laughing.  Her long sleeve t-shirt, sweater and jeans didn’t do enough for her hands or neck out in the cold.  Justin even had a damned hat on. 

 

She shivered as they walked down the front porch steps to the long drive way.  She didn’t know where they were walking and just walked with him in silence, continually chattering her teeth.

 

It wasn’t supposed to be this cold.  It was winter, but it had been fairly mild until the day before when the temperatures had dropped to around the freezing mark.  Katie didn’t expect any outdoor activity that night at the Timberlake’s.  She just thought they’d be inside hanging out, and they had been.  They had all had supper and hung out and now it was late.  It was dark outside and only the outside lights from their house and the porch lights form his grandparents’ illuminated their walk down the driveway.

 

Being alone with Justin was slightly awkward, being with him in a group of people wasn’t.  It was natural and friendly, but alone there was an unspoken tension, a silenced spark that was barely glowing in the distance.  Even though she was with someone else and even though their love life had been over for a year and a half, if there ever was “love” involved, it was weird between them sometimes.

 

Still, she walked with him quietly and enjoyed being alone with him, despite the awkwardness.

 

When she had been “involved” with Justin it was different than when she slept with Charlie.  Even when they were just hanging out, watching a movie and goofing off it was different than when she was doing those things with Justin.   There were similarities of course, but the difference was there.  Charlie was new; everything about him was different from what she knew.  He was exciting and she had fun finding out everything about him.  She already had memorized everything about Justin.

 

Justin was comfort; that was all it was, she told herself.  She was lonely and going through a weird period and she found comfort in him and his body, and she was ok with that.

 

The one thing that always, always seemed to stand out in her mind was how everything with Justin seemed serious, even when they were joking, even when they were laughing: it meant something.  Every look and touch had definition in it.  Charlie and her could laugh and not think about it, they could having sex and laugh and laugh afterward and he would poke her under the covers and quote random silly things to her so she would smack him with the pillow.  She had never laughed so much as she did when she was with Charlie McNeil.  She liked that.

 

She felt so carefree.

 

She liked not having to worry about everything.  She liked knowing that not every little thing had some deeper meaning.  It let her really fall for him and it let her live her life and not be shackled to feelings she didn’t understand.

 

But walking with Justin in sobering silence couldn’t help but be awkward because of the seriousness.  The fact that they were walking alone, not touching, feet apart, curled into themselves with cold, it still meant something.  It was a moment, a Katie and Justin moment that no one else was apart of.

 

It had been a long, long time since they had been alone like this.  The clear, bitter, winter silence seemed to punctuate this.

 

For a moment she wished Charlie were there instead of Justin.  Charlie would hold her hand, run around with her, tackle her on the hard ground and say something weird and dorky and make her laugh.  He’d keep her mind off the cold.  He’d probably run her around so much and chase her and make her laugh so hard that she’d forget it was cold and maybe even start to sweat.

 

He would kiss her, using his lips in that particularly soft way, and grab her hip with his large hands.  He’d let her know without saying a word, with only a small, short kiss that he wanted her so bad.

 

She bit her lips thinking about his kisses.

 

But then she felt bad when she heard Justin’s distinct way of clearing his throat.  She should’ve been thankful to be alone with Justin.  Being with him wasn’t something that she got very often anymore.  Nsync was touring, always fucking touring and when they weren’t, he was with Britney going on vacations or at his Florida home always partying and hanging out.  She got pulled along and invited occasionally, but with school it was hard to get away all the time, and being with a group and having Justin there was a completely different thing than having him all to herself.

 

She looked over at him; his hands were shoved down into his jeans and his shoulders were hunched up, making his head look turtle-ish, pulled down into his body.  The hat that covered his curls and made a perfect, smooth round shape didn’t help this image.  Katie smiled at him but held in her laughter and refrained from making a Teenager Mutant Ninja Turtle joke.  He used to love them as a kid.  They’d sometime play “turtles” in her parents’ back yard.  He was always Leonardo and she was always Donatello, because he had a purple mask. 

 

Justin looked good, tired, but good.  His face was pink in the cold and his breath was foggy in front of him.  She didn’t know why he wanted to take a walk, but she knew he needed to get out of the house and for some reason, he didn’t want to be alone. 

 

She could read him, and she knew that something was on his mind.  Even though he might not say a damn word to her about whatever it was, she knew that being with him, walking out into the cold darkness with him and not asking questions, helped. 

 

She knew that sometimes just being with him in the silence helped whatever was plaguing his mind.

 

“Kate, let’s hold hands."

She stopped walking and he stopped a few feet in front of her when he finally noticed.  She breathed out a puff of air.  "Are you serious?"

He held out his bare hand and laughed a little, "come on.”  She didn’t question it, but it was awkward standing there before it happened, staring at his hand.   But once her fingers were laced with his it wasn’t awkward anymore.  It was natural, and both their chilly fingers seemed to warm slowly intertwined like that.

 

They walked in silence.  It was dark now, the moon and stars were not out, the lights from the house were off in the distance.  Now she couldn’t even see the fog of her breath in front of her.

 

“How’s Charlie?”

 

“He’s great,” she replied, trying to debate in her mind if it was weird that he was asking about her boyfriend when they were holding hands.

 

He squeezed her hand softly and laughed slightly, “I’m still mad you won’t ever let me meet him.”

 

“Dork, I’m not keeping him from you,” she swung their arms together.  They were closer now, side by side, walking together.  “You just don’t have schedules that mesh.  If he didn’t have to work so late tonight, you’d meet him.”  They turned off the driveway to the street and Justin tugged her along the front edge of his Grandparents’ yard.  “You’d get along real well.”

 

“I’ll have to meet him sometime soon.”

 

“James approves,” Katie said, shivering her shoulders.  Her hand was warm now, very warm, but the rest of her was starting to really feel frozen. 

 

“Good.”  Justin stopped and turned in front of her.  She could see his smile in the dark.  “I like knowing you’re taken care of.  I don’t like thinking of you being lonely.”

 

“Are you ok?” Katie asked, staring at him hard, noticing now in the dark light that his eyes looked tired and that his smile, though bright, seemed slightly sad.

 

“Yeah, I just got a lot on my mind.”  She shrugged and pulled her hand away, so she could stick them under her arms to warm them.  He shoved his into the pockets on his coat and rocked back on his heels when she said, “Talk about it.”

 

“Does she seem weird to you?”

 

“Britney?” Katie asked and shook her head. “No, not at all.”  He was quiet and an uneasy feeling started to bubble up in her stomach.  “What’s happened?”

 

“I don’t know.”  He sighed.  “I feel closer to her than anyone, but I can feel her pulling away.  And I’m latching on to her, and it’s annoying her. I can tell.”

 

“I thought you two were attached at the hip.”

 

“Me too. I mean, Kate…” He sighed and her heart started to ache.  Whatever was going on, whatever he was upset or unsure about was weighing heavily on him, very, very heavily.  “Why are you with me right now?”

 

“Huh?”  She was confused; did he want her to leave?

 

“And not her?” he asked, his voice almost breaking.  She could tell that he was breaking.  He was truly upset about this.  “This is supposed to be a romantic walk with her and I’m with my best friend.”

 

“Maybe she just doesn’t want to get frostbite,” she said, trying to keep the mood light.

 

“I’d keep her warm.” He sounded so pitiful and downtrodden, and she stared at him and shook as a breeze came through and chilled her to the bone.  The wind wasn’t as cool as his words were.  Justin had always worn his heart on his sleeve and Katie always felt it deeply when he was emotional about something.  His eyes lifted and stared into hers.  Suddenly, the heartache was gone and a sly, half smile was on his lip.  “Are you cold?”

 

“Oh no,” she laughed and shivered again.  “Just can’t feel my fingers or feet or ears or nose.”

 

He laughed and unzipped his jacket and said, “Come here.”

 

She stared at him only for a moment before stepping towards him, and before she knew it, her front was pressed to his, her arms were around his middle and his arms puffy with the fabric of the jacket were around her.  Immediately she was warmed, and she closed her eyes in the embrace and breathed in the smell of laundry detergent and his cologne through his shirt. 

 

“This is what you get for not bringing a jacket.”  He chuckled and she just smiled against him.  Comfort, pure and simple, filled her body up, and she forgot about everything and everyone else and enjoyed being so close to him, so warm with him.

 

“I didn’t think I’d be taking a walk,” she mumbled against him.

 

“I didn’t think--”  He stopped his speech and sighed.

 

“Hmm?”  She squeezed him.

 

“Kate,” His voice was cracking, and she held him tighter and didn’t open her eyes.  He needed comfort right then and she wished she could make it better for him.

 

“Hmm?”

 

“Look…” It was just a whisper.

 

She opened her eyes and looked up to see his face turned up towards the sky, smiling, amazed.

 

It was snowing.

 

It never snowed.

 

“Are you serious?”  Katie gasped, not pulling away from him, just staring up at the sky and laughing when a snowflake hit her face and tickled her skin.  “It won’t stick, it’s just a tease,” she said, trying to calm them both down.  Both their hearts were beating with excitement in their chests.  It snowed in this part of Tennessee, but it rarely made a mark, a few times a year there would be flurries or even a snow shower, if it stuck it was usually a dusting and usually gone the next day. Every few years they’d get a sizable storm, but it was still rare enough to invigorate childish excitement in everyone.

 

Still, something about snow made her heart swell and made her feel like she was a kid again.  It was something that would always happen for her, always, even when she was old.  Snow took her back.

 

“Remember that time when we got out of 5th grade for four fucking days?”

 

“Mom let me stay over at yall’s place.”  Her arms were still around him and he looked down at her for a moment and smiled.  “I thought it was so cool I got to have a sleep over with boys.”

 

“Your cousin and me and James don’t really count though, huh?”  He smirked.

 

She rolled her eyes.  “Especially when you guys kept annoying me all night and I had to go sleep with your mom.”

 

“I wish we were kids again, Kate,” he said pulling her back closer.  She put her head against his chest and just watched the snow flutter around them.

 

“What?”

 

He looked down straight into her eyes. “Being an adult sucks sometimes.”

 

“Back then we couldn’t wait to be 18.”  She smiled.

 

He looked away from her for a moment and then his eyes pierced back into hers as he said, “18 is when the drama starts.”

 

They stared at each other for a long, long time before Katie laughed, shivered and said,  “Let’s head back.  You’re warm, but the fire was warmer.”  She slid her arms around from him.

 

“That kind of hurts.”  He pouted and she just laughed at him and nudged his shoulder, trying not to let the vast bitter cold take over her now that she was separated from him.

 

“Plus,” she said biting her lip.  Something felt weird, different and her voice wavered when she said her boyfriend’s name, “I promised Charlie I’d call him.”

 

“I’m so going to get on the phone and annoy you and scare him.”  He laughed and started to jog past her.

 

“Justin…”  She whined.

 

“Race ya back!” he yelled.  It was unfair, he was at least 20 feet ahead of her.   But then he slipped on something and had to stop himself by running forward and halting so he would fall down.  She laughed and ran past him and as they got to the house, the rest of the crew was fumbling out of the front door wrapped up and yelling about the snow.

 

It was a fun rest of the night.  Charlie got off early and she invited him over.  The snow actually stuck and fell long and heavy enough that it blanketed outside and they spent hours that night playing in it.  At some point Justin and Britney disappeared.  Katie noticed but tried to not let it bother her.  She tried not to let the fact that Justin hadn’t really spoken to Charlie get under her skin, but it did.  Justin was friendly to him, nice, cordial, but he wrapped himself back up in Britney, threw snow at her and hugged her and kissed her, and then left with her somewhere in the house.  She was glad Charlie didn’t seem weird around Justin either.  Charlie knew everything, and one of the reasons she had made a point not to let him around Justin until now was because she was afraid of what would happen, what Charlie would say, or notice…

 

Katie forced herself not to worry about it, but she did worry.  Something about holding him felt so right, and something in his eyes looked so hurt and distraught, and even though she was over him and even though she was with Charlie, something was pulling all her thoughts towards Justin.  She couldn’t afford for this to start up again.  She was over it, it had been a year since these feelings were wrapped up inside of her and she was determined to keep them away.  Her boyfriend had made them go away.

 

She had Charlie and he was everything she could ever dream of in a man.  He was perfect and he was enough. 

 

He wasn’t Justin, but he was enough.

June, 2002

The vibrating in the loose pocket of his cargo shorts startled him, and he pulled out his phone and rolled his eyes at the number displayed there.  He sat down his basket of razor blades and shampoo and soap and sighed, debating on whether or not to answer.

But he knew better than to avoid her calls.  She’d call back until it was answered.

“Yeah?”

“Dayum! Jamie James is grumpy grumps!” she said with a laugh; her tone was animated and happy.  He could tell how happy she was.  He knew why and it made him frown.  “Are you still doing errands?”

“Yeah, why?” 

“I need sunscreen.  But if you’ve already gone to CVS, I’ll just go get it myself.”

He sighed. It wasn’t fair, though.  He tried not to be like this with her, cold and worrisome.  But it was so hard not to be fatherly or brotherly with Katie.  He cared about her too much.  She was his friend first, he kept reminding himself.  And this—this whole thing that would happen tomorrow morning—was just a trip, just a vacation, nothing more.  He hoped.

“No, I’m in the store now. Anything else, your ladyship?”

“Snappy! What is your problem? You should be excited! Beach, party, alcohol, girls, fun, etcetera!”  She accented every word.

“Yeah, yeah.”  He tried to lighten the mood so that he wouldn’t get an earful from her later and laughed into the phone.

“You want anything from McDonald’s? I’m about to go through the drive-thru and get a McFlurry.” He smiled when he heard her pause and laugh.  “And ok, maybe some fries, too.”

“No thanks, fatty.” 

“Ass.”

“I’ll call you later, ok?”

“Cheer up, grump butt!” she shouted.  He shook his head and ended the call before slipping his phone back into his pocket.

It was rather clear over the past year or two that she had gotten over Justin.  She moved on with Charlie.  James liked Charlie.  The guy treated her well and made her happy.  But more than that, with Charlie around Katie was carefree.  She didn’t have that sad, longing look in her eyes.

That was until about a month ago.  That look came soaring back.  She was stressed with exams, ornery and snappy, but still, she was happy.  Then the internship she had applied for sent her a letter of regret.  She hadn’t been accepted.  She wouldn’t be going to Nashville for the summer like she had planned, but instead she was stuck in Millington, living alone in her apartment, with nothing to do.  It had been a hard blow, but she seemed to be ok, started making summer plans, even thought about going with her parents to the mountains in July.

Then Charlie got asked by one of his international business professors to go to Spain for the summer with a small group of selected students. 

Katie had paced and rambled to James about it, asked if she should be worried.  She talked herself into thinking it was ok, that she’d get a job, make money, they’d hang out—her and James—and she and Charlie would be back together the first of August.  She’d email and he’d send her postcards.

Then Katie found out that one of the other students in that small group of five going to Spain, was Charlie’s ex-girlfriend.  James didn’t know all the little details, Katie had been upset and frantic when she came over and explained it to him.  From what he could piece together through her crying and anger, this was the girl Charlie had been in love with before he met Katie.  This was the girl who had broken his heart.  This was the girl he never thought he’d get over.

James had to convince Katie to suck it up and talk to Charlie about it.  They decided to break up for the summer and if in August he came back and she was there and they both still wanted to be with each other, they’d try again.

It was a heavy blow, and Katie was sad and distracted for several weeks after her spring semester was over.  James tried to cheer her up, but little worked.  He was home for the summer, decided he was finally going to settle down and buy that house a few miles outside of town that had caught his eye.  He was twenty-one now and had been regularly visiting Jake’s down by the creek.  They needed a new bartender for the summer and James said he’d like to fill in when they needed it.

So far he had really enjoyed it.  He had settled easily into his quiet, relaxed, small town life as an adult.  He liked it.

Justin had finished his tour about a month before and had spent every second in Florida since then.  He hadn’t been home.  James didn’t know why he hadn’t come yet and was unsure when he would return.  He was now in Virginia for the summer to work on some tracks and a possible solo record.  So James took it upon himself to visit. He needed to hang out with his brother and try to get some insight on what was happening in his brother’s life.

He didn’t expect Katie to be invited.  In fact, it was James’ own fault that she was.

It was a week ago, Katie came over to drop off a drill she had borrowed to hang up shelves in her closet.  James was on the phone with Justin.  Justin had some funny story to tell, so James put it on speaker so Katie could hear.  Before James knew it, Justin was blabbing about the fun times he was having at the studio and in Virginia.  Katie complained about having a boring, stupid summer and Justin immediately invited her out.

Katie’s excitement level gradually grew and by the time Justin had hung up the phone she was beaming.

James knew it wasn’t because Katie was still in love with him.  She was getting over Charlie, it was all she thought about—Charlie this, Charlie that.  His brother was just her friend, like when they were kids.

But she was single now.

And so was Justin.

James didn’t want them to get mixed up in their ridiculousness again, but he had a feeling it was going to happen.  This time, though, he wasn’t going to stick by and clean up their mess.  He tried to tell himself that if something did happen between them, maybe it would be good.  Maybe they’d commit, maybe they had grown up. 

But still, he was worried.  Katie’s was upset over Charlie being in Europe with his ex, and Justin…

Well, Justin had had his heart ripped out.  Justin put on a smile, Justin partied, Justin slept around, but he was broken. And his brother could see it.  James had always been quieter than Justin about things.  Justin wore his heart on his sleeve, whereas James held things in, giving him a bad attitude at times, but giving him more common sense than Justin, giving him reflection.  James was reserved.  Justin lived for the moment, said and did what he felt in every moment—no matter the consequences.

This time, though, Justin had closed in on himself.  He wouldn’t talk about what Britney had done, he wouldn’t cry about it.  A shrug and a half laugh was his response to every damn thing.  Their mother, who had been in Florida with Justin until only a few weeks ago, called saying,  “James, I’m worried about your brother. He won’t even talk to me.”

It was then when James started to really worry.  Justin had always been more of a momma’s boy.  Justin had always been more open to their mother than to anyone else.  And now she was cut off, too.

It’s what made James decide to go see his brother in person, to find out if he was really getting over Britney or just getting worse.  He was determined to get to the bottom of his brother’s strange careless happiness.

James hadn’t been on tour when it happened.  He had come back home for a couple days, but flew out soon after he heard.  Justin had acted normal.  He had acted like nothing fucking happened. 

James blinked at the aisle he was on and tried to focus on a sunscreen that Katie might like.  He remembered that when she was a kid she used to love wearing this colored sun block.  She’d lather bright blue and pink sun block all over her face and walk around like she was the coolest girl.  One time her and Justin got in a fight at the pool with it and ended up squirting bright green sun block all over the pavement and into the chlorine water.  They both got in trouble, and James just laughed at them as they got kicked out and had to walk home.  Afterward, James soon got his towel and his snack money and left.

He sighed, picked up a tube of Banana Boat and walked a little further down the aisle to grab a stick of Bull Frog face sunscreen.  She loved her Bull Frog.  He shook his head.  He thought too much about her.  He thought too much about Justin and her.  It was like as soon as she was with Charlie he stopped worrying.  He enjoyed himself on tour, got fed up with tour, came home, dated and fucked around.  It was always a bust though.  No girl suited his interest and usually, if they did, they were only after one thing.  His twin. 

He was determined to make himself a living here in Millington.  If he was a bachelor the rest of his life, then so be it.  He liked being by himself as long as he had something to do.  And buying that fixer-upper down the road would give him something to do.  He wasn’t lonely, or sad, just getting fed up with females and with the whole damned dating game.  He didn’t date.  He found a girl he liked, seduced her, hung out with her for a while, and then it usually ended before he could even get super annoyed with her.

There had been Brenna a couple months ago.  She was cool, she was sweet.  He liked her a lot, but then he noticed how often she would ask when Justin would be around and how badly she always wanted to go with him on tour or to Orlando.  James brought her to Florida with him and they stayed at his brother’s.  The second night Justin came to him and said, “Don’t ask me why, but when you go home this weekend, break up with her.  She’s shady.”  James had opened his mouth to respond, but Brenna was coming out of the pool.  Justin only widened his eyes and stepped away to somewhere else in his house.  But James had watched as her eyes followed him as he disappeared.

James broke up with her on the drive back from the Memphis airport that weekend.

Before then, it had been a throng of hook-ups.  After Brenna he had stepped away and took a break from even trying to be with a woman in anyway.  It was lonely and he was hoping that his brother had someone for him in Virginia who was willing to have a one-week fling on the beach.

He smirked to himself.  He worried about his brother and Katie hooking up again and again, yet here he was slutting it up over and over.

He stepped away from the pillars of sun block and started to read the back of the Banana Boat he had picked up for Katie. Before he could focus his eyes, though, he clumsily bumped into something.  When he looked up there was a girl on the floor, with blonde hair, cut in a modern, chunky style, short and framing her face that was hidden behind her long bangs.

He immediately bent down to help her pick up the box she had dropped and to pick up the sun block their run in had caused to fall out of his hands.

“Oh my god, sorry!” the girl said, laughing, as she handed him his Banana Boat and he handed her back the box of Tampax she had dropped.  He looked up from the box and finally at her.

Immediately, his breath caught in his throat.  She was fucking gorgeous, her eyes were bright, sparkling ice blue.  Her smile was wide, slightly shy but mischievous.  She took the box from him saying with humor,  “Wow, that’s not embarrassing at all.”

He stood up and reached a hand out to help her.

“Thanks,” she huffed.

He kept staring at her, and when he blurted out, “Who are you?” he felt like a fool.

“Um…”

Her eyes shifted around him and then darted back to his face. 

“Sorry, that was rude.”  He tried to flash her the most charming smile he could, but still, he felt foolish.  It was a big deal to have a new girl in town, especially one this pretty.  He felt sweaty and the fact that he hadn’t been with a woman since Brenna really, really started to make his thoughts swim in thick, hot liquid.

He managed to suck in a breath and smile. “Millington is just not a very big place and I know everyone here,” he said, slathering on the charm.  “And I don’t know you.”

“My parents just moved here last year.  I’m staying with them for the summer.”

“Oh, that’s cool. So…” He smiled again, feeling a little more comfortable with himself when this girl shifted her weight on her legs and relaxed a little.  “Who are you?”

She laughed at him and he found himself smiling back at her. “Are you seriously trying to pick up a girl in a CVS who’s got tampons in one hand and 2 dollar nail polish in the other?”  She held up both items.

He continued to smile. “I’m James.”

“Jenn.”  She nodded at him, closing her eyes in a slow blink when she did it.  Her lashes were long, but she looked so natural, so fresh. Pink cheeks, soft lips, but no trace of make up.  Her style was cool, different, different from girls in town, different from girls on tour.  Her jeans were skinny and tight, and she wore a plain, faded gray t-shirt with a white slogan covering her breasts nicely, reading “¡Felicidad!”  She was no frills, but still girly—her choppy hairstyle proved that.

He had learned over the past few years to guess women’s personalities based on the clothing they wore.  This girl, her look, her smile, and her clothes, well, all he could figure out about her was that she was different, she was new.

And he wanted to know more.

“Nice to meet you, Jenn.”

“Hey.”  She smiled again, and this time he thought he saw her cheeks pink a little as she looked down at the floor between them and then back up at him. 

Score, he thought.  She was into him, too.  He could feel it. 

It was different than most girls.  Most girls he found attractive, he’d charm his way towards them, say a few complimentary lines to them and the next thing he knew he was fucking them.  And then the next thing he knew after that, he was bored.

This girl, this Jenn, was different.

He didn’t want to fuck her.  Not yet at least. Well, of course he wanted to.  She was hot as hell.  It had been more than a month for him, but he wanted to know her first.  He wanted to know all about her. And then, when he did get the chance to be with her, he wanted to savor it and take his time.  He could imagine it now, all so real and there, like a memory more than a hope, laying in bed, smiling at her flushed body, tracing his fingers against the curves of her skin.

And he just met her.

He bit his lip.  This was weird, very, very weird.  He hadn’t been this rapped up in a girl since high school.  Lindsay had always kind of plagued his mind.  He had always wondered if things could have worked out if he had been willing to deal with the long distance of her being off at college.  And then there was Brenna of course, but even with her, even with the one girl in years he thought could actually be more to him than some sexy lady in his bedroom, even with her, it was never like this.

Never this instantaneous, never this strange.  He felt anxious and his gut felt heavy.  He licked his lips nervously and scratched at the stubble of a beard on his cheek.

“So you’re from here?” she asked.

“Born and raised,” he drawled out.

She sighed, as if a weight of relief fell off her shoulders.  She shifted closer and said in a desperate tone, “Where’s a good place to hang out and get a burger and a beer?  And I don’t want to have to drive into the city.  I’ve been dying this past week.”

He bit his lip to keep from smiling at this girl.

“Bait Shop.”

“What?” She raised a questioning eyebrow.

“It’s the general store.  I can take you there, ya know, since you think I’m trying to pick you up.”

She narrowed her eyes playfully. “I’ve been told not to go with strangers for a long, long time.  Especially ones buying lotion and razor blades.”

“Come on,” he laughed.  “It’s like you’re gettin’ a free guided tour of this wonderful town! It’s just down the road.  Anything you want to know about this town, I’ll tell ya.” Her eyes were narrowed still and he rolled his own with laughter and said,  “You can ask Lissa at the front counter.  We went to high school together.” She looked away from him for a moment and he knew he couldn’t let this girl get away so easy.  There was a big chance he’d run in to her again this summer—Millington was small.  But he was leaving tomorrow for a week, and by the time he came back she might not be so interested in him. “Hell,” he pulled out his cell phone and rolled his eyes.  “You can call my grandma, but she will force you to visit and to eat tremendous amounts of food.”

“Ok, ok!”  She laughed and waved her hand at him as she walked to the front counter.

As Jen was buying her items, James stood behind her and smiled at the clerk. “Lis, this is Jenn.  She’s new.”

Lissa glanced at him for a second, popped her gum and then stared back at Jenn. “Don’t let his charm and accent fool you.  He’s a big dork.”

“I’ve figured that out already,” Jenn laughed.

“Ladies, no ganging up.” He chuckled deeply and they bought their things.

When they were outside in the blinding sun, James turned to her as he fished for his keys in his pocket. She was already opening the car door to a small, bright red Civic.  He felt bad.  She was leaving him.  He had to figure something out before she left him.

“You can follow me to the Bait Shop, if you still want that burger and beer,” he called out.

“No, that’s ok.”  His stomach felt like it was in his throat as he watched her throw her plastic bag into the backseat of her car.  But then she shut the car door and walked over to him.  “You don’t have ‘creep’ vibes, so I’ll take my chance and let you drive.”

She shrugged her shoulders and stuck her hands in the pockets of her jeans.  His stomach re-settled and he slowly smiled, walked to his Jeep and opened the passenger door for her.  The drive was silent, but not awkward.  He felt giddy and excited still, and it was strange.

Half way to the Bait Shop and two roads from his house he remembered that the dogs were in the house, and he hadn’t been home for a couple hours that morning. He scratched his head, cleared his throat and said nervously, knowing this was going to make him sound like some psycho murderer to this new girl, “Uh, do you mind if we drop by my place on the way back?  I gotta let the dogs out.  My mom went shopping and I don’t think she’s back yet.”

Surprisingly, it wasn’t the idea of going home with him alone that startled her.  He glanced at her and her nose was crinkled. “You live with your mom?”

He laughed and nodded. “I’m working on buying my own place, but my mom is barely at home, and I just got back from working, or traveling or whatever, just a few months ago.”

“So you’re spending the summer with your parents like me,” her voice was sing-songy and sweet. “I just got back from Paraguay.”

“Paraguay?” He asked in shock.

She simply answered, “Peace Corp.”

“That’s cool.”  He had traveled all over the US and even been over seas a couple times with Justin, but he had never known someone to go to Paraguay.  This girl just kept on intriguing him.

“Yeah, it was fucking amazing,” she said with a deep sigh as if she longed to go back there. 

He opened his mouth to try to impress her with some of the places he had been but before he got the chance, she was leaning, looking out the front window and saying. “Nice digs.”

“Yeah.” He pointed to his left to the smaller house beside his own.  “That’s grandma’s.  You’re welcome to go ask her if I’m psychotic.”

“Keep your family close, eh?” 

He shrugged and parked the car. “Got to.”

He assumed she would just sit in the car while he let the dogs out, but before he could tell her to “wait here,” she was out of the car.  He shut the engine off and stepped out as well.  She was looking up at his house with her mouth opened just slightly.

It was a big house, but not too extravagant.

Then a thought crossed his mind…

What if she was a fan?

There had been a few times when some fans had driven by the house, and a couple of those times they had the audacity to walk right up to the front door and knock.  One time he answered the door and the girls were running away, looking ridiculous in the process.  Another time they just stood right there, staring at him blankly.  One of them even asked “Justin?” to him in an unbelieving tone. He politely tried to tell them Justin wasn’t at home and that they shouldn’t be on their property.

Was Jenn a fan?  She didn’t seem like a fan?  But this could be some outrageous plot.  It had happened before on tour.  And this wouldn’t be he first time James had been used to get to Justin.  It happened more than he liked to admit.

Even with guys, even with people who didn’t really like Justin, sometimes James felt like second fiddle, like just a pathway to meet someone famous, like a ticket stub, torn and crumbled and inevitably thrown away.

But Jenn couldn’t be one of those girls, could she?  He had to figure it out.  If she was, he’d just drop it.  He was leaving tomorrow, anyway.  It wouldn’t be a big deal.  Justin wasn’t home, it wasn’t like she could kidnap him or squeal or something.

James paused at the opened door and glanced at her quickly.  What if she was a psycho murderer?  She was blinking at him, just staring.

Nah…

“Bear, Belle!” he called out.  The sound of nails against hard wood immediately scrambled towards them.  They jumped up at James’ knees, but when they noticed Jenn they didn’t care about him and were too busy staring at her and sniffing her sneakers.  “These are our dogs,” James said, looking down at them.

She just smiled and let them smell her before leaning down and petting their heads.  James relaxed, the dogs didn’t seem to mind her. 

As they walked through the house to the door that lead to the back patio, they passed by a wall covered in some of Justin’s awards and records.  The dogs were scrambling in between them, James leading them to the back door.  He opened it and they ran out into the backyard barking and causing a fuss.  He looked back and Jenn was standing in the middle of the hallway, looking at the wall of awards, her mouth opened, her eyebrows bunched. 

She looked back over at James and said, “Are you a collector or something?”

“Collector?” He laughed.  What did that mean?  I mean, it was obvious he was Justin’s twin.  They were identical besides one having a beard and the other not.  He walked back over to her, leaving the door open for the dogs. “No those are my brother’s.”

She was staring at a Platinum record of Nsync’s “No Strings Attached” record.  “Who is your brother?”

“Justin Timberlake,” he laughed and pointed to his brother’s picture.  “If you couldn’t have figured that out already.  We’re kind of twins.”

“Who’s Justin Timberlake?” she asked, still staring at the picture with a dumbfounded look. “He looks just like you!”

“Are you serious?” James blinked.

Jenn was looking hard at the picture before glancing at James.  She then shrugged.  “Is he in some band or something?”

“Yeah, in Nsync.”

“Yikes!” she said, finding another picture from their earlier record. “Is that them?” She stifled a laugh.

“In 1998.”  James stood back and watched her look at the records, amazed. She seemed to literally have no idea who Justin was, who Nsync was.  And James just crossed his arms and watched her inspect the pictures.

“God Must Have Spent (A Little More Time on You)?” she laughed looking at the title of a certain record farmed there and then glanced back at James “You can’t be serious? That’s a song title?”

He shook his head and just stared at her. “Do you seriously not know who they are?”

She lifted her hands and let them slap back against her jeans.  “I’ve been in Paraguay for two years.  Before that I studied abroad in Greece. I haven’t really known anything about what’s popular for several years.  Plus, I’ve never really been into mainstream music.”

His heart was beating fast.  She didn’t know who he was.

She didn’t care.

Suddenly James seemed to like this hot girl even more.  She was just…different, so very different from anything he’d known.  And now, knowing that she knew nothing about Justin or Nsync, he felt relaxed, happy—he was fucking smiling.

He felt himself.

“What do you listen to then?”

“Alternative stuff, like early nineties stuff, but also got this little special place in my heart for country but not any of this new pop country shit.  I like Hank Williams and Patsy Cline and some other of the really old ones.  Oh, and the only newer country singer I like is Dwight Yokum who is amazing. My dad got me into him.  I blame it on being a Texan.”

“You like Johnny Cash?”

She laughed. “Who doesn’t like Johnny Cash?”

He smiled at her and she just looked back at him.  Something passed between them, he wasn’t sure what it was, but after a minute of just looking at each other, she was smiling, staring at the floor, blushing and he was just looking at her face, looking all over her face.

“How long you staying again?” he asked, slightly breathless.

She looked up and bit her lip, “Til the end of August.”

“I’m leaving tomorrow to go on vacation with my brother.”  He sighed and glanced at the awards, wondering if at the last minute he could cancel on his heart-broken brother.  Katie could go and have fun with him.  She could talk to him about his problems.  Suddenly James didn’t want to go on vacation.  “Kind of sucks?”

“Why do you say that?” 

“Cause…” He took a breath and looked directly at her.  Still holding his breath he said, “I’d like to take you out.”  He exhaled.  “And when I get back in ten days you’ll have forgotten all about me.”

“You’re taking me out now.”  She smiled and stepped forward a little and patted the side of his right bicep, smiling in this way, this style that he was learning to really, really enjoy.  “Bait Shop, right?”

“Yeah.”  He couldn’t stop staring at her. 

“And I’ll still be here in ten days,” she laughed and rolled her eyes.  “Still in bumb fuck Tennessee.”

A moment passed.

“Jenn?”

“James?”

He was falling in love with the way she said his name.  It was happening so fast and when he looked at her, he could tell, despite her easy going attitude and her careless laughter, she could feel it, too.  It was hitting them both in the gut, deep and hard.

He shook his head to force himself to stop staring at her.  He grabbed her hand and said, “You’re about to eat the best damn burger of your life. Come on,” before pulling her with him to the opened door. 

He called for the dogs and brought them back in the house.  He left the house and locked up, all the while still holding her hand, lacing his fingers with hers, feeling her warmth flow through him, smiling at her as she squeezed his hand.  She only pulled away so she could get in the car.

Something was happening and he knew what it was.  He had felt it before, long, long before, but never this strong, never this intense.  Was it just because she didn’t know who his brother was?  Was it just because she was someone new and different?  Maybe. Maybe so.

It didn’t matter.

Whatever it was, it worked.  It worked for both of them.

And when James returned ten days later, she was still there, still smiling carelessly, still waiting patiently.

Virginia Beach, VA

 

Sometimes she hated being a whiny little girl.  That’s how she felt.  She had been doing ok.  Ever since she had been invited to come to Virginia, she’d been pumped, ready to get away, ready to drink her ass off, meet new people, meet new guys, see old friends.  But the moment she sat down in the plane and buckled her seat belt, she thought about Charlie, thought about how three weeks earlier he had hopped on a plane to Spain, probably had sat beside his cute little ex-girlfriend, probably said silly things in broken, pathetic Spanish to each other.  She looked over and all she saw was a tired looking Timberlake, trying desperately to shift his lanky frame comfortably in his cramped seat.

 

Luckily the flight wasn’t longer than a couple hours.  James fell asleep and she just stared out the window.  She was happy she was going to see Justin, she hadn’t seen him in a long time, but she wished she were seeing Charlie.  She tried to be mad at him, tried to focus all her emotions from their break up into anger so it would be easier.  But it wasn’t easier.  Instead she felt pitiful for being angry with him.  She was the one who got upset when she heard his girlfriend was going to be there.  She was the one who didn’t trust him being away from her for two months. 

 

But then she got sad realizing he had been the one to suggest they take a break for the summer.  And he had been the one that when she was so upset about not getting her internship had thrown Spain in her face.

She tried to concentrate on Justin, on seeing him and how much fun they would have.  She even said a silent thank you on the plane, in the midst of thinking about Charlie, that her and Justin were over all their drama, that she had moved on from him.  If not, she knew damn well she would be thinking about Justin.  She’d still have her crush and she’d still want him in that way she wanted him two years before when they were in Hawaii.   Maybe that’s what Charlie was, she thought, a way to get over Justin and to grow up.  But she knew that was a lie and that that wasn’t fair to what she had shared with Charlie.

 

He was much more than just a way to get over her childhood crush.  They were in love, and her heart was broken.  Sure, there was a connection between her and Justin.  Sure sometimes it was weird because they had had sex, but that was all over now.

 

It was all over and she was just happy that now she could go spent time with him and her cousin and James and not worry about anything else. 

 

When Trace met them at the airport she almost cried seeing him there, talking on his cell phone, waiting for them.  But she didn’t.  She kept her emotions in check, knowing it would freak him out.  She was just so overwhelmed and so happy to finally be away from Tennessee and away from all the drama that seemed to be caving in on her life. 

 

Immediately, being around him, joking around with him, having him video tape her in this really dorky way, fighting with him as he tried to do it while driving, all that silliness put her mind and soul at ease. 

 

The heaviness that had been hanging in her chest for the past month vanished, and she felt light and free again.

 

The place Trace was taking them looked very unassuming.  It was just a house.  The driveway wasn’t even paved, just gravel with cars parked haphazardly.  Trace had picked them up at the airport and was now filming their every move as he walked between James and her, swiveling around to film Katie’s front and then to film James’ back. 

 

“So when did you decide to make movies buzz?”  She smiled at him behind her sunglasses, listening to her sneakers crunch on the gravel.

 

He swung around, holding the camera a good foot in front of his face.  “When I got this camera.”

 

She smirked and drawled out, “Smart.”  He laughed and flipped her off. 

 

“Hey come on,” he said, closing the camera and dropping his hand to let it hang by his side.  He slid in front of James and pulled open a screen door on the side of the house.  “I’ll introduce you to everyone.  Justin might be recording so we might have to wait a minute or two.”

 

When the door shut behind her they were engulfed into a room that was half kitchen, half lounge, with a sink, fridge and stove, and a couch where the table should have been.  There were a couple people standing up in the kitchen, one drinking a soda, the other a beer and there was a curvy girl, laughing at everything everyone said and washing a plate at the sink.  They all waved hello and Trace introduced them as James shook their hands.  Katie just waved shyly.  She wasn’t necessarily a quiet girl, but around these new people, completely out of her element she figured she’d take a back seat, watch and listen before she started immediately trying to make friends.

 

There was a pretty girl, dark skin and slender, sitting back on the couch with her legs crossed, fist against her cheek, elbow on the couch and a pout on her face. 

 

She looked bored with the world.

 

“What wrong Theresa?” Trace asked.

 

She turned to him, glared and hissed a, “Fuck off.”

 

Trace just waved them to follow him down a long hallway and Katie heard him grumble over James’ shoulder, “She’s just pissed ‘cause Justin kicked her out of the house this morning.”

 

“Is he dating her?”  James asked.

 

“Hell no!” They all stopped and Katie watched Trace smirk.  He was by a door and his hand was on the knob.  “But she was this past weekend’s thing, and now,” he opened the door wide.  “She’s not.”

 

The room was lit, but dark in places.  This was the studio and it was huge.  Two recording booths were nestled behind a massive soundboard where a couple of guys were sitting, both of them wore trucker hats tipped barely on the top of their heads.  There were no other girls here, only guys.  She noticed a couple of Justin’s bodyguards resting on a couch tucked in the corner of the room, and she waved at them and they waved and nodded back when they recognized her.  There were other chairs and another smaller couch on her side of the room.  Justin was recording and everyone was silent.  The room was loud and vibrating with the music that was playing.  Everyone seemed to be into it, bobbing their heads and swaying as Justin sang a verse to a song.  She sat down cautiously on the edge of the couch sitting behind where Trace and James were standing.  She was hidden, blocked, and felt a slight protectiveness sitting behind them. But the space between them allowed a window to see Justin.

 

He looked really good.  She hadn’t seen him since February or so when her and Charlie went to their Memphis show. He was tanned and he had let his hair grow out a bit.  He sang with his eyes closed, passionately hitting a high note and she smiled.  He sounded good, too.  It was good to see him, to watch him, to just sit there and listen to him sing.  It hit her immediately, something she hadn’t really realized even when she had talked to him on the phone a couple times: she missed him.  She missed him a lot.

 

She hoped that the next 10 days he wouldn’t be too busy to goof off with her.  And part of her hoped they could talk.  She needed to talk to someone about Charlie, about what she was going through.  He had been through it.  And he looked good, seemed like he was having a great time. 

 

Suddenly his eyes opened, he stopped singing and said “HEY!” loudly.  The music cut off, and everyone turned and stared at them.  Katie was glad she was hiding out.  She watched Justin slip off his headphones and come out of the small room.

 

“The infamous twin!” One of the guys at the booth turned around, but remained slouched in his chair.  He stuck out a hand to shake with James.  “How you doin’ man…”

 

“And this is my buzz Katie,” Trace said, stepping aside.  Katie just waved and looked up as Justin and James were hugging each other and smiling.

 

“Buzz?” the guy looking at them asked.  He looked familiar and had a voice she had heard before.

 

“Cousin…” Trace said.

 

“And buddy put together.”  Katie smirked, realizing that the guy talking to her was one of the guys from that N.E.R.D CD James had in his car.

 

“Now you’re making me sound lame, Katie,” Trace said, walking past her but not before ruffling her hair.

 

“You’re the one that made the name up,” she yelled at him as he went over to talk with James and the other guy by the panel. She quickly fixed her hair.

 

“When I was fucking eight years old,” he yelled back and then stuck out his tongue.

 

She smiled at him but then her view was blocked and she was staring up at Justin who was just looking down at her.  Closer, she could tell his eyes looked tired and red.

 

“Hey…” His voice was scratchy too, a stark contrast to the clear singing she had just heard.

 

“You alright?” she asked.

 

“Yeah, flight ok?”

 

She shrugged and tried to brush off the fact that it felt awkward.  Why was it awkward? “Pretty good.”

 

Awkward was something that hadn’t been apart of their relationship for a long time.  They had moved on, moved way on from when they were stupid teenagers. 

 

“Damn,” she jumped a little and stopped staring at him when another guy came into view.  It was the same guy she recognized earlier.   “Why didn’t you bring more girls with you!  You told us the thing was hot, but if all the girls from Memphis are like this—shit yall, go back and get some more!”  The guy laughed and patted Justin on the back.

 

“Hey,” Justin said, and everyone in the room seemed to listen to him.  “Let’s break and start back in an hour or so, alright?”  Everyone nodded and before she could do anything, he had left the room quietly.

 

She looked around and James was now leaning over a chair, listening to some other dude talk about buttons on the panel.  Trace was on his phone and she was just left there. 

 

And that guy was still staring at her.  He had his arms crossed and when she glanced at him he was staring right at her. “Go…” he said, only widening his eyes.

 

“What?”

 

“Follow,” he nodded to the door where Justin had exited. “He’s been waiting for you all damn day!”

 

Her eyes widen in shock at the words.  He had been waiting for her?  Of course he had, they were friends, she was coming with his brother, you always get excited and wait for visits from friends and family.  But something about the way this man was telling her to follow him, there was just something else there and she started to really wonder what Justin had said about her.

 

Apparently he had called her “hot.”  She rolled her eyes.  He was really a loser sometimes.

 

Knowing him, he was probably showing off to his friends, bragging about how all his female friends are hotter than fire. 

 

But the longer she stared at this man the more uncomfortable she felt and soon she was pushing herself off the couch and meekly leaving out the door she came in, back down the hallway.  No one was there any more.  When they arrived the place was littered with people, now, oddly enough, it was like everyone vanished.

 

She found him in the kitchen, opening and shutting cabinets, cursing under his breath and mumbling about cereal.  She stood there in the doorway and stared at his back as he said, "Shit...where’s the fucking shit?"

 

She smiled when he slammed a cabinet and put his hands on his hips, "Dammit where the fuck…”

 

"Justin," she said softly.

 

He turned with a loud, “Huh?" and stared back at her with an opened mouth and hazy eyes.   She bit her lip to keep from laughing and pointing to the counter near where he was standing.  A box of Frosted Cheerios was sitting next to a box of Cheez-its and an opened bag of chips. 

 

“Oh...” He paused when his eyes locked onto the box as if his brain was taking a while to compute what to do now that he found his cereal.  Finally he reached out, grabbed the box and said, “thanks" before stuffing his hand down the box and pulling out small handfuls of cereal.

 

She just stared at him as he crunched continuously on the cereal, staring off into space and bobbing his head as he crunched.

 

"So, do I get a hug or a hand shake or a hello?"

 

 "All three if you want," he said simply, crunching and crunching rhythmically.  Then he stopped, swallowed, sat the box on the counter and smiled at her.  "Come ‘ere girl."

 

She smiled back at him and pushed herself off from where she as leaning against the doorframe.  She walked straight into his opened arms.  Warmth, always so much warmth when they hugged.  It was like coming home.  It was strange to her, being away from Memphis was her prime reason for coming here, but now with Justin by her side she felt like she was back there.  It was different, it was weird, but she liked it.  She wasn’t running away from it.  He hugged her tight and made silly little “mmm” noises like he was on a Campbell’s Soup commercial. 

 

She just smiled as he rocked with her a little.

 

"I'm glad you came.”  He pulled back, looking down at her with a million smiles.  “We're gonna have a blast."

 

The one thing that didn’t seem home-like to her, was the smell coming from his t-shirt.  She knew he smoked sometimes, but she had never smelled it on him and never been around him while he was high.  Clearly, he was.  "You smell like weed." she crinkled her nose up at him.

 

He leaned in and whispered,  "Shh, don’t tell." And then laughed loudly, she could feel it vibrating from his chest.   “You ain’t gonna smoke with me neither, huh?”

 

“Nope.”

 

He pouted. “You’ll be drinkin’ though, right?”

 

She narrowed her eyes and said, “Depends.”

 

“Don’t worry.”  He read her like a book and rolled his eyes at her, still holding her in his arms when he said,  “I have more than beer and whisky.  I even got you some pineapple juice when we went to the store the other day.  I will admit, that shit’s good with rum.  Fuck, I was chugging it the other day.”

 

She closed her eyes with a slow blink, feeling lazy all of a sudden. “We’ll have a good time.”

 

“Shit Katie,” he said, biting his lip as he brought his head down and pressed his cheek into the top of her hair.  “I haven’t seen you in forever.  I’m so fucking glad you’re here.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah,” he paused and she wondered what he was going to say next.  He didn’t pull away, but said softly, “I heard about Charlie.”

 

She smiled only for a moment before squeezing him, “I heard about Britney.”

 

“Whatever. That was months ago.”  Then, he pulled away, every part of him, and she felt cold just standing there in front of him as he crossed his arms over his chest and shrugged.  He looked away at the floor and stared off into space for a moment before snapping his eyes back at her,   “James ain’t being weird, right?”

 

“About what?” she asked cautiously.  It dawned on her that he was talking about them. “About….”

 

“Yeah,” he widened his eyes and then rolled them. “Both us single.  You know how he gets.”

 

“Actually no,” she said thinking hard about James and his strange mood the past day.  When he and his mom came to pick her up that morning, he seemed really relaxed and refreshed.  Not her normal closed-off, grumpy James.  After Lynn kissed them both and told them to have a good time, he turned to her, stuck his tongue out and said something goofy about “party time.”  She hadn’t questioned it, knowing if she did he was likely to get in his grumpy mood quickly.  They sat in the airport terminal and he talked to her animatedly about all the people Justin had told him they would meet.  She just listened and flipped through her magazine.  It was strange, and she wondered what had happened.  And then in the car ride to the studio, he called some girl on the phone.  Katie could tell by the way he laughed and talked low that it was a girl. 

 

“He’s been pretty cool.  I think he’s got a girlfriend.”  Justin’s eyes widened again and Katie laughed and shrugged.  She knew she was wrong, he hadn’t sad anything yet, but he had been a little more at ease than her normal James. “I don’t know, he’s just been weirdly happy and called this girl when we landed.   I didn’t want to pry cause you know how he is…”

 

“I gota cha.” He nodded, and then sighed.  The smile he gave her was one she cherished.  It was that happy, boyish smile that she felt was only for her.  It was a smile with laughter in the corners in his eyes and mischief hidden by the way one side of his mouth pulled higher than the other.   “Well damn, this is gonna be a fun week then.”

 

She just smiled back at him, seeing that the Justin she used to know seemed to appear right in front of her.  The Justin from when they were kids was there.  The Justin she had gotten to know over the past few years was pretty much gone, but she could tell something was off with him, because that laughter in his eyes wasn’t as intense as it used to be, and the smile he gave her now, though very genuine, was hiding something behind it. 

 

She wondered if he could read the heartache on her face, behind her smile, as much as she could read his.  She didn’t want to ask about Britney, because she didn’t want him asking about Charlie.  If he wanted to talk, he knew she was there and she knew if she needed to talk to him she could and she knew he would listen.

 

“Alright come on, we gotta do a tour and shit,” he said, breaking her thoughts and grabbing her hand, holding it tight.  He tugged her behind him and through the hallway that she had walked down several times now.  He turned and smirked at her over his shoulder,  “Please no flash photography, and no touching of the valuable artifacts.  All questions may be asked at the end of the tour.” 

 

She laughed and he smiled, and even though that heartache was there, happiness was there, too and something in her felt fluttery and heavy, knowing that that happiness he had was because she was there.

 

He waited in the shower for the water to run hot.  It was cool, too cool and he shivered and felt awkward in the porcelain cell.  But still, he was glad for it.  The shivers forced him to wake up, and the gradual change from frigid cold to enveloping warmth was a pleasurable feeling.  The cold was forcing him out of his fog, but once the water was warm, he felt like he was back in that fog, hazy and lightheaded, satisfied and lanky.  He just stood still under the steam of water, only occasionally rolling his head and moaning softly as he remembered the night before…

It was good to see his brother again, to be around family.  He had missed that, and even though he was aware of his actions and that he had been hiding from everything on purpose, it was good to have a little familiarity back.  He had hidden out in Virginia Beach. He didn’t want to deal with people asking him how he was, offering to "talk", asking about her.  It was just too much.  He needed a break from everything.  So when he got the invite to come out and work on some tracks with Pharrel and Chad, he didn't pass up the opportunity to hide and escape.

He knew that music was his way out, but so was a damn good party.

And last night was a damn good party. The house Trace and him and a couple of his guards had rented was full to the brim with people, alcohol, girls in tiny outfits, thumping music, laughter, dancing.  It was wild, things were broken by people making out sloppily, there were ridiculous shouts and spilled drinks over games of cards.  He knew it was all there, the laughter, the yelling, the sexual activity in every corner—but he didn’t care.  He had his own drinks and his own smokes, and most importantly he had someone to talk to.  Right by him all night was someone he could laugh with, someone he danced with, someone drank with, and someone he looked and smiled at as she rambled and talked and talked in that perfect little drawl that felt like summertime in the south.

She was looking good, too.  A tan was on her long legs and her hair was sloppy.  She was out of place from everyone else there, yet she fit.  He could tell his friends liked her, he could tell that they thought more of her in the few hours they had known her than the same old sluts that had been hanging out for weeks.

It was just supposed to be fun, be a party; he just wanted to catch up with her.  But deep down he knew something more would happened.  It always just supposed to be fun for them and always turned into something much more.  The more the alcohol mixed with his high, he knew that things were getting closer and closer.  She was looking so good, sounding so good.  But he could see behind her lazy, drunken eyes that she was sad and that being with him, talking with him about old times, leaning against the wall together and making fun of Trace trying to make moves on a girl way out of his league—those little moments were making that sadness numb for a while.

She felt good, and he did, too.

Somehow he convinced her to dance near the wall, and the wall became a corner by his bedroom.  The dancing turned into slow, purposeful movements, hands skimming, whispering things they knew they shouldn’t.

About that damned ski trip.

It was shy at first, drunk and whispered and cautious, a simple question and she had started it, or maybe he had.  She kept giggling as she kept sliding on the hard wood floor below her feet and he had to pull her up against the wall. "Remember you slipping around when we went skiing that time."

She stopped, gasped and her eyes widened in surprise.  It took him no time to know what she was saying.  "I mean on the slope," he corrected.

She said in the smallest voice. "Not when we had sex."

He groaned in the shower and grabbed the slimy bar of soap in his hand to lather himself up, knowing he needed a distraction.  The rest of the evening after that point was a slow, hazy blur with splashes of vividness.  He couldn't keep up with the images that were bombarding him. 

He closed his eyes and let the water cover his face.  He could remember her eyes, wide, slowly closing; he could still feel her breath against his mouth as they seemed to get closer.

It only took a brief touch, her lips brushed against him, and they were gone, separated, but closer.  She tugged at him, the door slammed, the sounds from the party went muffled.  And in his darkened, rumpled room, with her hands against his shirt and her breath panting with his, their hearts beat wildly together.

He pulled his hands up and touched her face, kissing her roughly, strong, moaning aloud when she relaxed against him completely. The party faded and it was just them, against the wall, his hands on her never wanting to leave, she was soft and small and warm and her skin felt smooth, always so smooth. 

He realized how badly he wanted it.  Like having some childhood treat that you loved, that you had forgotten about, but not, it had always been in the back of your mind, that small craving, and he had it again.  Sprees he thought of.  The damned purple ones....

He pulled back from her only to smirk for a moment.  She tasted too good to be away from for long, but when he went back in she wasn't there waiting, she was pulling away. 

"Kate..."

Her eyes were searching wild, her mouth still a breath from his as she frustratingly tried to unbutton his shirt.

He covered her hands with his for a moment and kissed her again and before he knew it, his hand was against her thigh, holding it up over his hip and her fists were in his shirt, forcing his back was against the wall beside his door.  It was dark, the bass was thumping and vibrating the wall.  And she was kissing him crazily like a mad woman.  She pulled away and whispered, "Get naked and lay on the bed."

 

“What?"  He couldn’t even think of anything more to say.

 

And she just grinned as she sucked his bottom lip and when she pulled away she said in the sexiest voice he had ever heard, “You just had a really rough, harsh break up...and you need some comfort."  She stepped back and took off her t-shirt revealing a lacey white bra underneath, see through and perfect. “And I plan on giving it."

 
He put a hand in between them, "Kate this isn’t why I asked-"

 

She had shook her head and the look in her eyes, the sadness, the desire, the need, the craving of comfort when she stepped forward and tucked her hands under his tee shirt and touched his skin made him realize that it was ok.  They were single, they were adults, and dammit he wanted her.  It was different now.

So different. 

"It’s why I came though…because I want you, maybe I didn't realize at first, but I’ve been wanting you since the fucking ski trip. I didn’t realize I felt this way when I was with Charlie but now that he’s gone, I-I just..."

 

He cut her off by kissing her.  It was rampant, wild.  Clothing was pulled, ripped, they never stopped kissing, only to occasionally whisper how good it felt, to smile or laugh. 

The shower water suddenly went ice cold and he furiously turned the knob to stop the water.  He had been standing there remembering last night, stuck in time just dripping wet.  He let the water trickle over him as he stood, hearing the last bit of water drain completely away.  

He sucked in a breath and opened his eyes, but when he did all he could see was her naked body, riding him, sinking down over and over and up and over again.  He could still feel her hands on his chest, pressing as she moved up and then down around again.  He could still flee her slick, sticky body as she leaned down so he could feel her press into him, kissing him just barely, as it was so breathless. 

He slung the shower curtain open, but instead of the sound of the metal rings against the metal bar, all her could hear was her sighing, "fucking shit" as he felt her cum.  He could still feel her all around him, coming as she rode him.  He repeated her words quietly as he wiped the fog off the mirror.  Finally was able to see his own naked reflection instead of her naked body.  Now, he was only about to stare opened mouth at his reflection.

He shook his head to rid himself of last night.  The memories were too dangerous and he needed to shave.  It was useless, as he lathered his face he thought about her hand, smoothing over his dick.  She had such a purpose, moving over and over against him.  And then...

He paused, took a breath and brought the razor from his face, forcing this thought out of his mind before he continued....

She had moved down against his body, smiling and saying "Lie back."

He had started to sit up instead at where she was positioning herself."But..."

"Lay back Mr. Timberlake."  Her smile had been pure sex and he groaned remembering the feel of her small, wet mouth around him.  It was heaven, pure heaven feeling her tongue and lips.  He didn’t expect it. 

He did not expect that at all.  

He splashed water on his face and pulled off the towel from his waist to blot the water on his face.  

He slowly smiled at himself, realizing that soon, very soon he planned to return the favor.  He was also quite proud of himself for shaving accident free while dangerous thoughts flooded his mind.  Talented, he thought cockily to himself.

He bit his lip and looked down at his erection.  Maybe right now...

He opened the door from the bathroom to the bedroom and saw nothing but a crumbled bed, sheets wrinkled and empty.

It still smelled like her, though and when he looked at the floor he saw her clothes.  

He dressed slowly, purposefully trying to delay the inevitable awkwardness that was about to occur. He didn't know how she would act.  If she would be cool with it and act like it was just one night, or if she would try too hard to act like nothing happened and make it weird between both of them.

He hoped he didn’t act too weird with her.  He just wanted it to be normal, but normal for them was a strange, weird thing.  Being awkward yet comfortable and weird with each other was normal.  He just didn’t want any drama.

He tugged a shirt over his head and pulled it over his torso before he opened the door and cautiously stepped out. He raised his eyes and took a couple more steps, wondering where she had gone off to. 

Trace was nodding on and off on the couch, facing the TV that had sports center on quietly.  He could see his brother through the sliding door at the back of the den.  He was perched on a patio chair with his feet up on the deck railing talking on the phone.

The ringing sound of a "ding" from the kitchen made him swing his head around to see what he had been looking for.  Wearing his boxers and t-shirt with her hair down and messy, she looked cute, perfect.

He walked slowly over to her and stood right beside her, looking down at her, trying to read some expression on her face so he would know how to act.  She pulled two sides of a bagel out of the toaster, dropped them both on two plates in front of her.  He shook her hand and said “ouch” quickly before sucking the side of her thumb.  

Then, she glanced at him.

"Hi." 

"Hey," she said, her voice gravelly.

She started slathering the bagels with creamed cheese.

He was quiet, unsure what to say, unsure about the whole situation.  He tried not to think about everything that happened the night before, tried not to think about how amazing she felt.  He was trying his best not to worry that the rest of her stay with him would be weird and she'd leave and they'd keep on doing this weird thing, this weird awkward friends but not thing.  A headache seemed to throb from the middle of his head and his entire body felt achy from drinking and fucking the night before.

When she handing him a plate and turned and pressed her back into the counter.  He knew everything was going to be ok.  He smiled at her and she smirked back at him and they simultaneously took crunchy bites out of their bagels.

"So..."  He said before swallowing.  "What was up with you last night?" He was all smiles, narrowing his eyes at her. 

She just blushed and turned her head and took another bite.  He could see that her eyes were smiling, though.

He went for it, set down his plate and leaned closer to her. "You were so kinky and out of control but in control and like a fucking dominatrix or something."

 

She pushed at his chest and whispered; "Stop..." before looking around his body to make sure no one was listening or looking at them.  She smiled and looked up straight into his eyes, "I was horny."  She shrugged and took another bite out of her bagel, eying him.

He laughed loudly and said, "I could tell."

 

They continued to eat their bagels in silence, standing up in the kitchen.  At one point he went and got them both a glass a juice, but there was something there—contentment and quietness, some weird sort of peace that was new to him.  It had always felt amazing with her before, but the morning after had always left his mind in ruins.  Now, he was at peace with it, happy with hit, not trying to understand it.

He could tell though, when he looked at her, she was still thinking about it, thinking about the night before.  And so was he. He could see her remember how he had breathed out "sweet Jesus" when she had sunk down on him.  And he could see her remembering how he told her he "loved this" when they were in the middle of it all and he could remember her barely able to say out, breathless, "me too."

He swallowed the last bite of his bagel, set down his plate and watched her drink her orange juice for a moment.

He couldn’t help it.  He turned and hugged her and kissed her check and it felt good when she hugged him back. "You gonna come by the studio later?" he asked, still holding her, feeling her nod against his shoulder.

And when they broke apart and she started cleaning up bottles and shit from the night before he knew she was remembering what he had asked her afterwards. What he had said to her naked and tangled and quietly in the dark.

They were falling asleep and he felt drunker than he had ever in his life, his blood felt thick in his body and was pumping slow but hard.  He was now laying on her, they had changed positions and done it again and he was on top of her and her legs were limp around his waist and her hand was tickling up his back.  Their bodies were pressed and damp. 

She kissed him slow and when he pulled back and looked into her lazy eyes he said, "Stay with me all summer" 

Her eyes had opened more and she had just looked at him with this look he had never seen before.  Then he admitted to this feeling he had had in his stomach all this week, the feeling that had made him kick some of his girls out of the house, the feeling that had made him feel jittery and nervous.   "I've been wanting you for so long Kate," he had said.  "I’ve been wanting you so bad and I can't take it."  He breathed hard and held her tight.  "I'm just gonna want more....and more....and more..." And as he said "more" he slowly started to move in her again.  They held each other tight and again went into it, slowly, sloppily, but so damn perfectly.

He could tell that she was thinking about that moment now, thinking about the fact they hadn’t stopped last night, they had kept on until they couldn't move.  And she was thinking about what he had asked her.

He knew though, she wouldn’t answer.  She didn’t the night before and she wouldn’t now. 

 

She would just simply stay.

He could tell by the way she easily and casually moved around the kitchen, they way she felt at home there, the way she had held him that night.

She needed a break from her life, she needed this.

And he needed her.

Chapter 17

A week later

It was a gorgeous day outside, the kind that made you long to just sit in the grass with friends and reminiscence.  There was a small breeze and it was hot.  The heat warmed the skin, pinkened the nose and cheeks, but this kind of heat never burned—it just encompassed everything, so walking into a well air conditioned building would make your skin feel frozen and sting.

The studio was next to empty.  Everyone had cashed in on the fantastic weather and trekked to the beach for the day.  But not him. 

He had been left behind.  He had planned to go, got himself a towel and a bottle of Banana Boat—the bottle he had bought for Katie (she had yet to use it), and drove to the studio to meet up with everyone else.  He would have liked to go to the beach and relax and let his mind drift into a mush of nothing but sun and waves and seagulls.

But then she called.  An hour and a half later he had missed the ride to the coast, had waved his hand to the final, “Seriously James we’re leaving your ass here.”

He didn’t really mind.

He slid down further against the arm of the couch to where he was completely vertical on the leather surface, just one leg hanging off.  “I’ve always wanted to go there,” he said, leaning forward to sling his arm over towards the brown glass bottle in front of him on the coffee table.  It was only 11.  His mother would smack him, roll her eyes and mumble “a gentleman would at least wait until noon.”  He hooked his fingers around the bottleneck and pulled it up to his lips.

“You should do it, you’ve got the money.”  He rolled his eyes at her tone and rested the beer against his stomach.  “I have to apply for scholarship to do it…”  Her voice paused over the phone and she then grumbled in an adorable way, “ass.”

He smiled and shrugged as if she could really see him through the cell phone. “I’ll take you with me.”

They were talking about Greece.  And of all the places his brother had been able to take him, he had yet to venture to Greece.  Something about the ancient atmosphere, the scenic overviews and hillside beaches, something about grapes and columns and togas really got him thinking how much fun it would be.  He knew little about the place and knew the stereotype in his mind was probably far from the truth, but hearing her talk about it, about the people  and the food and the amazing things she did and the history, it all made him wish he could go there…with her.  Jealousy emerged when she talked of Greece and Paraguay.  She knew about the places and the people and had stories.  All he had were stories of fancy hotels and hot girls and crazy adventures with his brothers and the group in airports in big European cities.  He had pictures of the Eiffel Tower and the Coliseum but she had mental pictures of a cafe owner and an old widower and the small farm and large family she lived with in Paraguay

He started to feel shallow, but the guilt was a good thing, and hearing her tell her stories of the people and the places and the damn cow bells in the morning was enrapturing. He wanted to learn so much more about those things from her.  And he wanted to go back and have her show him Nina’s 4 room house in the plains of Paraguay.  He had been to more places than her, but she knew so much more than he ever could.

No woman had ever surprised and amazed him as much as she.  It was scary.

“Ok Rico Suave,” she laughed and he smiled at her voice.  She was so confident and funny and, and…perfect. There hadn’t been a day that had gone by where he hadn’t called her.  And if he missed her she always called him back.  He was getting obsessed with her voice, needing it to get him out of his grumpy moods in the morning.  And yet, his grumpy moods weren’t around as much.

The only thing that really upset him was when he would wake up and she wouldn’t be around, she’d be hours and hours away and all he’d have was his little silver cell phone to connect with her.  He was whipped and they really weren’t even together.

He shook his head.  It shouldn’t be this bad.  But it was so bad.

“You really need to stop being mean.”  He tried to sound pitiful but ended up laughing instead.  “Here I am being all nice and inviting you to travel with me.”

“The James Timberlake scholarship?”  She pondered and then her voice softened to a flirting and delicious tone. “What do I have to do to apply?”

“Oh really?” He bit his lip, took a long swig from his drink and then said in a low, slow voice, “You wanna know?”

“Shut up.” 

He smiled at her bashful tone through the phone.  She wasn’t a bashful girl at all, but she played it up in the right way to make his skin feel hot and prickly and his muscles tight.  It was quiet for a moment, but not awkward.  He was thinking about her, thinking about the curve of her hip and how soft her hair was.  It had only been a few hours he had spent with her. Just a few pitiful hours: a trip to his house, an afternoon at the bait shop, a drive around town, and an invitation to get breakfast with him. But the conversations on the phone and that one moment he was hanging on to—that moment after his breakfast when he rushed back home to meet his mother and Katherine impatiently waiting for him, mad that he forgot to bring them biscuits—it was that moment he was hanging on to dearly.

“I want to fly back home,” he sighed to her.

“Why?”

“I told you before,” he said in a lower voice and moved his hips slightly to relax more, feeling his body still tight but his brain ease at the thought.  “That kiss.  Fucking blew my socks off girl.”

He felt like telling her more, about telling how her voice late at night on the phone was making him want her.  How he still thought about the way her hair fell against her eyes when she smiled happily after their kiss, looking down as if she didn’t want him to see.  He could see it—he made her happy, too.  And he felt like telling her that even though it was soon and even though they were still getting to know each other, he fucking wanted her.  But he didn’t.  He kept it to himself and remembered and dreamt about her in his truck outside of Biscuit House.

They were just talking, he was just telling her about his grandparents.  She had said his name so simply, and when he turned to her, before he could mumbled a “huh?” she had kissed him, full, open, and wanting.  She tasted like a weird mix of Orange Juice and strawberry jelly.

Then she had said, pulling back, her hand against his jaw, “I’m really glad I met you.”

And on the phone with her now, he almost spoke too much.  He opened his mouth and almost told her that he was glad they had met, too and almost told her that he wanted her, really wanted her as his girl, as his lover, as so much more.  He wanted her desperately in his bed, but everywhere else, too.

But before he could speak a word, someone was leaning over him, goofily smiling and poking him in the chest, teasing him, saying “ooh” in a childish manner.

Katie had heard everything. 

He could tell by the mischievous twitch in her smile.  He narrowed his eyes and immediately sat up and sat his beer on the table in front of him, hating that she overhead his conversation.  “Oh, shut up!”

“Excuse me?” He heard over the phone.

“Not you,” he said, watching Katie saunter around the coffee table and plop on the other side of the couch, moving her bare feet over close to where he was sitting.  “Katie.  She’s eavesdropping.”  She then moved to hit him in the leg with her foot and gave him a look of shock, before curling up on her end.

He wished she had gone to the beach with the rest of the group.  But when Justin said he was going to stay and work on some stuff at the studio, he knew she would stay as well.  He was thankful for the phone call with Jenn, it was something to keep him distracted from whatever it was the two of them were doing.

“Let me talk to her.” 

James eyes widened and said incredulously in the phone to Jenn, “Uh, yeah…No!”

“Put her on the phone James,” she demanded.  “I need to meet this girl since you talk about her so much.”

“You guys are going to just talk about me,” Jenn was silent on the other end.  He knew she really wanted to speak to Katherine and she was determined to get her way.  So, he looked cautiously at Katie who was staring at him with her eyebrows raised.  He then handed her the phone and said, “Be nice.”

Katie’s expression was one of surprise and pure delight.  She immediately leaned forward and snatched up the phone, “Hey.  Yup, that is me…Oh my god, he’s such a nerd.  Seriously, don’t let him fool you…So when can we hang out?... You know I gotta do the semi –big sister scoop, though probably we’ll end up teaming up against him.  He has an attitude problem, grumpiness if you haven’t noticed.”

“Stop it,” James glared at her and then took another sip of beer.

She just rolled her eyes and said back into the phone, “Anyway, so how do you like Millington?.. .Yeah, I know….What?... What do you mean?”  James eyed her and could see Katie’s cheeks redden with anger, and then she sat completely up and her eyes were widened, her eyebrows furrowed.  She turned, smacked her hand down with the phone in between them on the couch and said, “JAMES! What did you tell her about me?”

“Nothing, all good stuff.”  He tried to remember. “ I think.”

“About Justin,” she whispered harshly staring straight at him.  She looked like she was going to cry, but James knew her watery eyes were because she was mad, not because she was upset.  “Why are you saying shit?”

“Katie, I’m just talking with her.”  He groaned inwardly, knowing this was bad.  Knowing maybe he should have kept his opinions to himself, kept his mouth shut.  He couldn’t help it.  Jenn made him talk about stuff going on in his life and in his mind.  He could hear her saying “hello?” through the phone that was still lying in Katie’s hand.

James wanted to take it from her and go somewhere else away from the small fiery ball of rage that was staring at him.

“She asked me if we had made it official!”  She looked away for a moment and slowed and calmed her voice, though the calm, purposeful tone of it just made her seem angrier.  “You know it’s not like that.  I can’t believe you….”  She then stood up, shook her head and pulled the phone back up between them.  “Sorry Jenn, I had to talk some sense into him.  You can have the moron back.”  She threw the phone back at him.

“Katie...” he said pulling the phone up to his ear, trying to get her to stop as she was walking out of the room.  She slammed the door shut so hard it didn’t latch and bounced back open.  “Katherine!”

“Did I say something wrong?”  He heard Jenn say through the receiver.

“No, I just probably should have told you to keep all that stuff I told you about her and my brother under wraps.”

“Shit,” she said.  “You said you were hoping for it and knew she was too, and she seemed like a bubbly girl I could talk about stuff with.”

“She is…”  He rubbed his forehead, knowing now any chance of Jenn and Katie being close would be difficult and that he probably had another earful from her waiting to come.  “She’s just really fucking sensitive about certain stuff.”  He grumbled, “Like a child.”

“I’m really sorry James.”  He heard her say so sincerely.  “I didn’t realize. I thought it was something a little more casual.  Apparently it’s not.

“It’s alright.  She’ll get over it, she always does.  I’ll go into details about their drama later.” 

“There’s more details?”

“It’s a whole pitiful saga.” He sighed and figured he would go after her in an hour or so.  It’d give her time to cool off.  She would be better and they could talk about it.  He’d apologize and she’d forgive.  Plus, he had more important things to talk about at the time, or at least things that would get his mind off the slammed door, “So back to kisses.”

“You need to just calm down.”  She laughed. “It was one kiss”

“It was one really long kiss.  A biscuit flavored kiss,” He teased.  “And I’m coming back to get more in 2 days.”

She wasn’t flirting, and was dead serious when she asked, “I thought you said you would be gone 10 days.”

“Yeah, well tomorrow makes it 5 days, so I’m just coming back a little early.”  He felt uneasy, like there was some secret she was hiding.

But when she sighed and said, “James you should hang out with your family and friends.”  He knew she was just concerned about him, concerned he was going too fast with her.  It was true though, he was, and he hoped he wasn’t scaring her.

He was bored of Virginia Beach already and he wanted to be home, he wanted to be with her.  He tried to stop himself to enjoy the time with his brother and his friends but every time he just wanted to be with her.

“He’ll give me the green light.”  James thought to himself, but said out loud.  He knew his brother would be ok with it if he knew a girl was the reason.  At least he was pretty sure of it.  The whole adventure of coming out here and being brothers and helping him get over Britney wasn’t really working too well.  Justin didn’t want to talk, didn’t bring it up, just laughed and drank and smoked and flirted with Katie and joked with Trace and talked about stupid shit.  Justin was handling this in whatever way he wanted and James couldn’t change that.  They were grown, and even though only a few minutes separated them, James was tired of playing big brother all the time.

“Look, I’m gonna go,” she sounded annoyed slightly, and he shifted uncomfortably on the couch, moving the phone from one ear to the other, afraid he really just pissed her off somehow, or freaked her out.  Slow down, he told himself.  He was getting too excited about this girl.  “Go do damage control with your friend and spend some time with your brother, ok?”

He teased her, hoping to cut the tension on the phone. “Yes, mother.”

“Bye James.”  Her slight laugh made him feel a little better about the situation, made his heart ease and his muscles relax.

“Bye Jenn.”

It took a moment before he was able to slide the phone back in his pocket and finish his beer.  He dreaded what he was going to have to do.  Leave it alone, is what he knew he should do, but it was pulling at him like a leash.  Finally, he couldn’t stand it, his knee was bobbing up and down and he felt anxious, a feeling that was rare for him, a feeling he hated.  He didn’t know if it was because of Katie or Jenn, or a mix of both of them with maybe a bit of his brother tied in.  But he wasn’t going to sit there and be the bad guy anymore. 

It had been 2 minutes, but he was ready to fix everything that just suddenly seemed to screw up.  He stood up and walked out of the den area and towards where the kitchen was. 

She was sitting there alone, arms across her chest, legs crossed, glaring at him as he entered.  At first he was sure she was going to give him the silent treatment but then she barked out, “What did you say about me?”

“Katie, you know I don’t talk shit about you, don’t be ridiculous.”  The worry he had by himself wasn’t apparent, he seemed annoyed more than anxious as he went toward the fridge to grab another beer.

“What did you say about me and…” She stopped and widened her eyes slightly.

“I was just telling her about how you have been hooking up.”

She scoffed like she was shocked he would assume that.  “First of all you shouldn’t be telling someone you barely know things like that and second of all we are not hookin’…”

“Don’t even start to lie.” He laughed and pulled out his keys from his pocket to use his keychain bottle opener to take off the beer cap.  “It’s obvious and you can’t hide shit from me.  God, Katie, last night you were drunk with him and making out on the loveseat in front of everyone.  Trace had to yell at you guys to get you up and get a room.”

She stared at him for a moment before uncrossing her legs and putting her head in her hands, as if she didn’t realize.  He knew she wasn’t ashamed, but Katie could get embarrassed easily. “Shit.”

It wasn’t like anyone cared.  No one questioned it, except a few of the girls, but they always got brushed aside.  It was like this natural, normal thing, Justin and Katie making out in corners at the studio and house.  No one cared.

And for some reason, James realized, he didn’t really care anymore either.

“Just be careful, we don’t want any Timberbabies.”

“James, eww!” She sat up again and he knew if there was a pillow to throw on the stool she was sitting, she would have thrown it.  “It’s like you’re a dad or something to me.”

“Just don’t be mad at me for talking, ok?” he said, coming over and sitting on the stool beside of her. “I just, I like this girl and she gets me to talk about stuff and cares about what I have to say.”

“I care about what you have to say.”

“Yeah,” he laughed.  “But it’s different.   I’m not very interested in seeing your tits, Katie.”

She smacked him on the back of his head, making him to cough his beer a little.

“Who’s showing tits?”  They heard a moment later.

They turned to look at who was coming in from the screened door from outside. “Your cousin’s,” James said.

“Whoa, yikes.”  Trace animatedly and quickly walked through the room.

“Buzz, don’t go…”  Katie called after him.  “Why aren’t you at the beach?  Wait! I wanna talk to you…”

“About?”  He stopped and turned.

“About this morning’s Maury episode.”

Trace walked through the doorway but James could hear him call out. “That girl was NOT a dude.  I swear!”

James laughed and then he watched as Katie walked after her cousin.  Justin came through the door way from the studio as she was leaving.  He smiled at her softly and touched the side of her hip. “Hey...”

“Well hi,”  she said back, smiling.  He just grinned at her and James stared at his brother, trying to read if this was becoming an actual serious thing between them.  Katie left and Justin took the space where she had been sitting.

“What’s up?”

“Chillin’, you done?”

“Nah,” Justin leaned his head down on the counter like he was tired.  “Breaking.”  It was quiet for a long time until Justin finally asked, “You seen Pop?” Pop was one of the sound techs.

“He went out with Tasha.”

“Thank god,” Justin pulled back and rolled his neck making it crack.  “Bitch is all over me. Time for her to move it on…”  Justin laughed a little, it was clear he was a little high as he moved his hand and arm in a wave in front of James.

“Tell her you got a girl.”

“Yeah…”  James was trying to get something out of Justin, but clearly, he wasn’t getting anything when Justin expertly changed the subject. “Hey, so you should stay this summer, too.”

“Too?”

“Yeah…”  Justin looked away and then yawned.

“Oh…”  James then realized what Justin had asked and realized how Katie had replied.  James kind of smiled, maybe it was finally become official.  Maybe he wouldn’t have to worry about broken messed up hearts and hormones anymore.  “She agreed?”

“Well no, but she hasn’t talked about leaving.  She went shopping with Kelsey and Rach the other day and came back with a shit load.  I’m assuming she’s staying.”

“You should get a flat out answer before you get excited.”

“I’m not excited,” Justin said smiling.

“Yeah you are…”  James laughed and then said quietly, “and I’m not staying.”

“Come on it’ll be fun.”

“Dude I’ve had a blast here, but I don’t want to just party all summer, I want to get back and buy that house.”

“And fuck that girl.”  Justin laughed.

“Get to know that girl.”

“Invite her out.” Justin shrugged.

James sighed and it was quiet for a moment, trying to figure out the right way to say this.  His brother was laughing, but there was something in his expression that seemed to worry James.  “I think I just want to get away for a while.  Get away from your crazy ass and have someone else take care of Katie for a while.”

Justin’s eye brows bunched and he asked, “Take care?”

“Well I mean, Charlie took care of her and then after that busted up I kind of felt like I needed to keep her company, ya know?  She’s a sensitive girl.  And now you can take care of her.”

“She’s stronger than you think.  You don’t give her enough credit.” Justin shook his head and slid off the stool before walked to the fridge to grab a beer himself.  “So only another week then?”

“Actually, I might leave the day after tomorrow.”

“Dude seriously!”  Justin said letting the refrigerator door shut.  “What is the girl telling you on the phone?”  Justin took James’ keys from the counter and unlatched the beer cap. “You’re going to leave the beach and the party and your friends to go buy a house and hang out with some girl you don’t know.  You are getting too damn old.”

“Don’t you want to be settled at some point?”

“Yeah, when I’m old.”  Justin laughed.  “We’re 21, not 50!”

James rolled his eyes.  “Six months ago you were talking about buying a new house and hanging out with some girl all the time. You were planning on being settled by now.  Hell, Justin you were talking to me about wedding rings.”

The lighthearted, laughing Justin vanished with a snap and a bitter, cold Justin appeared.  “Well things fucking change, don’t they?”

“Have you at least talked to anyone about it?”  James asked, unphased. “Momma’s fucking worried.”

“She thinks I need a shrink or something!” Justin leaned against the counter and chugged half of his beer.

“No, just a friend.”

“I got Kate,” he replied thoughtfully.  “I guess I’ve talked a little bit with her.”  Out of nowhere the anger came back. “I just don’t see why everyone is always ‘let’s talk about Britney.’  If I want to fucking talk about her I god damn will.”

“Chill out”  

“Ya know what? I was fucking chilled until you had to start saying shit.  You wanna leave today?  Then fucking leave today!  I don’t care.”  He turned to leave the room.

James knew Justin was acting like a child, but at the same time he felt bad for his brother.  This was still eating him up inside months after the fact.  He wasn’t getting over Britney, he was just pretending.  And James worried about that, worried about his brother.

And worried about Katie getting mixed up in this.

“Justin…seriously…”  James followed him out through the hallway back into the den where Trace and Katie and a couple other people were watching TV, they looked tired from being on the beach all morning, but knew they’d probably go back out that afternoon.

“Come here.”  Justin demanded, once Katie’s eyes locked with his.

“Hmm?”  She asked sauntering over to him.   He took her hand and led her down the hallway past him towards the studio.  Katie stared at James and shrugged as they passed.

“Justin…”  James called.

Justin just looked down at Katie and smiled as he opened the studio door and gently pushed her inside and completely ignoring his brother.  “Come on…”

“James wants-“ James could hear her plead but then the door slammed.  It was like a snap, Justin had changed as soon as he had Katherine by him.  But James knew he was pretending and just hoped to hell that Justin was talking to Katie about stuff and not just letting their sex life be the medicine for his heart ache.

This was going to turn into a huge mess, a mess he didn’t want to deal with.  Part of him needed to stay, talk sense into Katie, remind her that this isn’t ever just having fun for her, that this is serious.  She would lie and say otherwise but James knew that it was always serious for Katie.

He just wished Justin would take it a little more seriously as well and realize he was about to ruin one of his closest relationships just to get off every day and not be alone.

But James wouldn’t play father anymore to both of them.  He was determined to go home and deal with his own life.  He couldn’t prevent mistakes any more with the two of them and he wasn’t going to just sit there and watch them make them.  And he damn well hoped they didn’t expect him to be there when it was over to make it all better again.

Cause he wasn’t going to be there anymore and he wasn’t going to care about their little trysts.

He sat down on the couch beside Trace and watched some crap TV show about animal rescues.  He didn’t know how long he sat there.  At one point a couple people came in with sandwiches and they all ate.  James just sat there and stared at the TV.  After a while he found himself alone.  They had all returned to the beach and he was just lying on the couch again, staring at the ceiling, thinking about too many things that made his head swim and the ceiling rotate above him.

He didn’t even know what time it was but when he sat up and looked at the clock it read 1:49 pm.

He wandered through the studio and it was eerily quiet, except for the sound of whining dogs in the background from the TV, echoing through the halls.

He found himself in front of one of the studio doors, the door Justin and Katie had retreated into.  It was still closed and James stood before the door, waiting to enter.  Finally he knocked softly and heard just as softly back, “come in.”

“Hey…” He cracked the door, not wanting to see anything inappropriate.  It was one thing to have to watch them make out in the corners when they were drunk, it would be another to see…something.

But Justin was at the controls in the studio with some headphones hanging around his neck.  The t-shirt he had been wearing was gone and he was left in an undershirt. There was a half eaten Quizno’s sub beside him as well as a cup. “Hey,” he nodded over to the back of the studio where a couch was.  “She’s asleep.”  Katie was lying there, curled up, fast asleep, with Justin’s t shirt over her shoulders and arms, trying to provide her with a little warmth.  

“Oh ok.”  James came in and sat in a swivel chair beside Justin as he took off his head phones and laid them on the controls.  He sighed and then rubbed his face roughly with his hands. He looked tired, emotionally and physically, and James could tell he was trying hard to get over his buzz—it was lingering hard.  His eyes were dark and his face looked pale.

“Look, I’m sorry ok? I didn’t mean to snap, I just…”  He paused and breathed out deeply.  “I’m still dealing with it.”

“I know.  I know it sucks and I don’t expect you to want to say everything to me or be ok with it.”  James put a hand on his brother’s shoulder.  “I just want you to know if you need to talk, I’m here.”

“God James, I know that.”  Justin turned in his chair and faced him.  “You’re my fucking brother.  I know that.”  He shook his head and looked off to the side, staring in the distance.  “I guess I just….”  James followed his gaze and saw him staring at Katie.

James looked in between them and asked, “What?”

“I don’t know.”   Justin broke his stare and swiveled back, messing with some buttons on the controls. “I’m just still really heartbroken still, like some fucking pussy.  It’s getting better, though.  My summer’s a lot better now and I’m gonna be fine.  I just gotta push through this and I’ll be alright.”

“If you want me to stay longer, I will.”

Justin grinned at James and waved him off. “Go back home, see that girl that’s got you messed up.”

“You’ll like her.”  James smiled.  “Maybe once I kind of get to know her better I can bring her out, like in a month or so.”

“That’d be the shit.”  Justin laughed.  “I need a picture.  Need to judge her for myself.”

“I got good taste.”

Justin smirked. “Ha.” 

“And you do? I saw those girls the first day here.  I know the ones, I’ve heard them talk about you all clingy and gossip like.  I thought you only liked high-class girls.”

“I’m heartbroken, remember?”  Justin laughed a little loudly and quieted his laughter quickly when he remembered Katie.  “Nah, that’s all over now.  No need to be a slut.”

It was quiet and Justin continued to mess with the controls.  “Hey, remember what I said earlier.”

“What?”  He said mindlessly.

“Take care of her.”James smacked him on the shoulder and waited until Justin looked at him.  They locked eyes for only a second before Justin shrugged him off and broke the stare. 

“We’re just having fun, man.  You know what it is.  Just fun.”

“Yeah, but you both are dealing with shit.  Don’t let it turn into more for you guys if you aren’t ready.”

“You act like we just fuck.”  Justin stood up and turned around and stared at Katie, shrugging as he talked.  “We talk about this shit, too.  It’s not just about getting off. You just don’t understand.”

“Then explain it to me.”

“I don’t really know how to!”  He got loud and James had to shush him.  “And plus, you’ll probably just get mad like you always do when I start talking about her.”

James rolled his eyes. 

“Come on James, you know I care about her. I’m not going to hurt her.  Back when we were teenagers I fucked up, and I got scared cause I was an idiot.  I’m not like that now, she’s knows that.  She’s one of my best friends; it not like it’s some horrible thing.”

“Then you understand why I gotta go home—to see how good of a friend this girl could become.”

“Yeah.  I get it.  Plus, maybe with you gone, she’ll stop being so weird and shy.”

“Huh?”

Justin rolled his eyes again and plopped down in the chair, letting the force of his movement rotate the chair slowly as he kept his feet off the ground. “She wants to pretend like we’re not doing shit when you’re around.  I would think she’d be more concerned with her cousin finding out shit, but…”

“Stop talking about me.”  Justin put his feet down to stop and James stared at her.

“Shit.”  Justin whispered and then got up and went to loom over her on the couch.   Her eyes were still closed and she looked like she was still asleep.

“How long you been awake?”  Justin said scolding.

“Stop talking about me and Trace,” she said and then groaned and turned on her back and squinted her eyes up at Justin.  “And I am not weird or shy!”  She tucked his shirt around her tighter, stretching it.

“Go back to sleep, silly,” Justin leaned down and said close to her.  She whined for a moment and then was quiet.  Justin smiled up at James and walked back to the controls.

 “I’m asleep if you want to keep talking about me,”  Katie mumbled.   Justin turned and threw a pencil at her. 

She immediately sat up and hollered, “Don’t throw stuff at me, butt face!” 

“Why not?” Justin sat down in his chair and ignored her.

James smiled at her as she balled up his shirt, threw it at them and stomped over to where they were sitting. She stared at the back of his head before flicking his ear.  He held it in his hand and turned to look at her. 

“I can’t believe—“  He then shook his head and said randomly,  “I feel like singing.” Justin then laughed and waved her off.  “Find ‘Rell.”

“Oh yes master, he’s probably at the beach with the rest of the world,” she mocked and rolled her eyes.  But she turned and when she did Justin smacked her ass.

“Please and thank you,” Justin yelled after her.

 She just kept walking.

 “Gotta love her.”  Justin grinned and pulled the headphones back around his neck.  James let the comment his brother made roll off his shoulders and cleared his throat.

“We’re good?”  James asked, knowing he should give Justin some space to do his work.

“Always. Call her up and tell her.  I expect sexing by the weekend.”

James laughed in the middle of a stretch and then shook his head. “You’re a dick.”

“Yes, yes I am.”  Justin put the headphones over his ears and James fished for his phone in his pocket as he left the room. 

He walked through the hallway, winding back through the kitchen and then outside, breathing in the fresh air.  He brought the phone up to his ear after he dialed and smiled when he heard her voice, bored and flat over the line, “I’m in the middle of some show about remodeling old houses.”

“And I got the green light…” he said, trying to hold back his smile but unable, knowing if anyone saw him right then he’d be mortified.  It was one of the reasons he slipped outside.

“Really?”  Her voice was so filled with excitement it was quiet.

“Yes ma’am.”

It was quiet for a few seconds and then he heard her say, filled with smile, “Awesome.”

It was awesome, she was awesome.  And in a few days he would be back with her, making this little thing they had going on, more awesome than either of them realized.  So awesome, in fact, it would take him deep into a place he wasn’t prepared to go.