All the little movies
That we made
Co-star you babe
Yet I'm the one
Who's messing up the bed

His hands slide to my hips and pull down hard as he thrusts up, pushing into me, touching that spot that causes me to moan out his name.

“Justin…”

“Yea Baby…. Fuck me.” He lifts me and pulls me back down, we work together in a steadily increasing rhythem. “Who knows how to fuck you good?” He grinds out, the pressure on his fingers gripping me brings a delicious wave of pain, but it mixes with the pleasure coursing through me in a sweet deadly combination.

I roll my hips and elicit a grown from deep within his chest.

“Do it again.” He groans and I oblige, releasing a sound all my own, as his fingers walk across my stomach and then down, pinching my clit and sending me over the edge. I cry out and ride the waves of pleasure that follow. His hand grips my hips again and he lifts me up and pulls me back down once more before he let’s go, shooting into me, coating my walls and finally going soft and I collapse on top of him.

The sweat on our skin, cooling as we struggle to catch out breath and I can hear his heartbeat slowing, the beats in sync with mine…

The shrill ring of a child shouting “Mommy!” drags me out of the haunting dream suddenly, haunting because dreaming of that memory never bodes well for the day to come. I fight with the realization that it was just a dream before ‘mom’ mode kicks in and I scramble out of bed to find out what is causing my son to scream.

Across the hall and into his room, stubbing my toe on a toy train in the dark, I sit down on the edge of his bed.

“Baby… what’s wrong?” He climbs onto my lap and his arms wrap around me as tears stream his cheeks and my heart is beating so fast.

“Lucas… Luke… Baby, did you have a bad dream?”

“Dere’s a mostner… a mostner unner my bed.”

A soft smile of relief soon follows his words and I hog him to my chest as I stand up, his legs immediately wrapping around me as I hold him on my hip and one hand turns his face up to look at me, and I brush the tears off his face.

“Baby, do you wanna come sleep with Mommy?” I ask him, expecting the following nod. And I walk back across the hall and lay him down in my bed I climb in myself and pull the covers up over us and kiss his forehead. “Go back to sleep Baby Boy, Everything is going to be alright. Mommy loves you.”

“Luv you too.” He mumbles already his eyelids are drooping and he curls up on his side against me.

I smile at him and even though he’s already out like a light again I lift my hand and brush it against his cheek. This little boy is my world.

And I seek just as much comfort out of him as he does out of me.

I look at the clocks digital red numbers shining 2am as I try to push away the fading dream of a night I wish I didn’t remember, but it hangs over me like a premonition of something soon to come.

It’s not so much the night that needs forgetting, as it is the man that never seems to stay gone.

Hours later I’m stepping out of the shower and the phone is ringing. I tuck the towel around me and cross my room. My son stirring under the covers; the sound of the phone dragging him from his dreams.

“Hello?” I grab up the phone and listen to my mother on the other end, asking me if I was ready to go yet.

Sunday’s are generally our grocery shopping days. There are few things that I let her help me out with anymore, after all I am an adult with a child I should be able to take care of myself. But she insists on chipping in to keep her grandson happy and healthy. So she comes grocery shopping with us. At any rate, whether I let her help out or not, it’s nice to know that I will at least see her on Sunday if not before then.

“Not yet mom, we had a rough night. Luke had a bad dream and was up in the middle of the night so we slept in a little. He’s waking up now, I’m going to get him dressed and we’ll have some breakfast and I’ll call you back.” To which she responds with the assurance that she’ll bring the breakfast, and I’ll see her shortly.

I hang up the phone and see that he has simply flopped onto his back and drifted back off, to which I’m thankful because it gives me a chance to get dressed before he needs my constant attention. He is such a momma’s boy, especially in the morning. He isn’t a fan of them.

I get dressed quickly and run a brush through my hair, hoping I’ll have the chance to blow-dry it once my mother gets here and then sit down on the edge of my bed.

“Lucas… it’s time to wake up.” He whines a little and I lean over him, wrapping my hands underneath him. “Gramma’s on her way over.” His eyes blink open and he slowly allows the dreaded morning to hit him.

“Gramma?”

“Yup. It’s Sunday, we’re gonna go shopping.” He loves Sundays.

“Yea?”

“Yup. You gotta get up and get dressed. Gramma’s bringing breakfast.”

Soon enough he’s dressed and we’re in the kitchen, he’s content to sit at the table with his juice cup and a picture book for a while until the door opens up and then he runs to meet his Gramma. Then forty minutes later, he’s seated in the faux-car attached to the front of the grocery cart that my mom is pushing through the aisles.

We successfully make it to the end of the cereal aisle before his little eyes spot something that he wants and he takes the first opportunity he has when the cart rolls to a stop to climb right out and make a dash for it.

At the end of the aisle there is a display of Bob the Builder fruit snacks that he runs straight for. “Luke!” I shout and then quicken my steps to keep up with him.

He grabs a box and holds them high. “Mommy!”

“Luke, Mommy doesn’t like it when you run off like that.” I reach down and pick him up.

“I wanna try these Mommy.” He smiles and I really don’t have the heart to say no. I pluck them from his hands.

“Only if you promise you won’t run off like that again.” My mother has made it down to the end of the aisle now and stops beside us.

“I won’t.” he says dutifully and I know there’s no garuntee but I accept it and put him back down and hand him the fruit snacks.

“Okay, climb back in there and you can hold onto them until we check out.” I tell him, hoping that the pictures on the box will keep him occupied for at least a little while. As I stand back up again a strange feeling washes over me.

The one you get when you know someone is watching you, and I look around, my jaw dropping a bit when I lock eyes with a familiar face, and I think my heart stops.

His eyebrows raise and his head tilts.

“Mom, take the list I’ll be right back. I see someone I know.” I hand her the list and she looks over my shoulder and gives me a disapproving look.

“Don’t Mom.” She shakes her head but does what I asked and I reach down into the car and ruffle the shaggy dirty blond mop of hair on my sons head. “Baby, you stay with Gramma, Mommy will be right back.” He pays me no mind as he traces his finger over the letters on the box pretending to read.

I wait until my mother has turned the cart down the next aisle before I actually make my way to where Justin is standing.

“Hey.” He says as I approach. I knew that dream was a bad omen. I suppose I didn’t have to come over here, but it’s too late now.

“Hi.” I stuff my hands in my jean pockets and loop my thumbs through the belt loops. The man behind the meat counter says his name and hands him a white paper wrapped package which he sticks into the cart in front of him.

“How’re you doin?” He asks “It’s been a long time.” He says.

Just about three years actually. “Yea.” I agree. “I’m doing good.”

“You… is that your son?” He asks, one eyebrow raises just slightly.

I nod slowly. “Yea… yea, his names Lucas. He’s two.” I reply.

“He’s cute.” Justin replies, smiling slightly. “I didn’t know you had a kid. Are you married now too?”

“No.” I say. “The father… he didn’t want to be involved. So it’s just me and Luke.” I shift uncomfortably on my feet. “You’re the family man, where’s the wife and baby?” I ask.

He leans back and forth on his feet and clears his throat. “The girls are at home. Haylee just turned 3.” He nods. “And whoever that guy is… is an asshole.” Our eyes lock and we stare at each other.

His gaze is soft, blue eyes dark and I can feel myself slipping into them. He’s dangerous. He’s my first love, and it’s so easy for me to drift back into the dream of us. I need to get away from this.

It seems like he’s uneasy too.

“Well I should get going.” I say and point off behind me.

“Yea, yea me too. But it was good seeing you.” He holds open his arms and even though I know I shouldn’t, I walk into his embrace and close my eyes, inhaling the scent of him.

My cheek rests against his chest and his hands lock around me, I can feel them clasped at the small of my back. He breathes in deeply, and I know this hug has already lasted way longer then it should.

“I miss you.” I hear him whisper in his exhale.

“What?” I lean back, my eyes wide. What the hell?

“I want to be with you.”

I can’t believe what I’m hearing, this has got to be some cruel joke. Those are words that I have always been dying to hear. But this can’t happen.

I bide my time studying the floor tiles and I hear him breathe in again and start to apologize, and before I know what I’m saying… “I miss you too.”

His voice strengthens. “So why don’t we just…”

“Justin, no. You’re married! You have a kid! I have a kid! This is just…”

“My family hasn’t stopped us before.” He pitches and I glare at him.

“That was a mistake.” I hiss out, remembered the moment that haunts my dreams. Two weeks after his daughter was born, he called me. Saying he was in over his head and he needed someone to talk to. Stupid me, agreed to meet him and somehow that turned into sex. I still feel guilty about it. Apparently, he does not.

His voice lowers. “That’s not what you said back then.” His hand cups my cheek and his thumb brushes my lips. “Do you still have the same cell number?” he asks and I nod.

“I’ll text you later. We can catch up.” I don’t have time to protest because the next thing I know, I hear my son yelling ‘Mommy!’ as little feet pound towards me and I turn around just in time to bend down and lift him into my arms.

“Hey Baby.” I wearily grin at him and look over my shoulder to see my mom walking towards us slowly.

“Gramma sez we all done shoppin’. She said we kud go get ice kreme.”

“Does she?” He nods enthusiastically. “We’ll see. Maybe later this afternoon.” I turn to Justin when he speaks.

“Hey little Dude.” He bends down just a little to be eye level with Lucas and I almost want to turn away. I’m not sure I want them interacting. I don’t want Lucas to get attached when I know Justin is only ever in my like temporarily. “I’m Justin, a friend of your Mommy’s.” He says.

“Hi.” Lucas replies.

“Okay Luke, say bye-bye we have to go.”

“Bye-bye!” Luke waves.

“It was good talking with you Justin.”

“I’ll be in touch.” He winks and he reaches out to touch my shoulder, his fingertips trailing down my arm softly. I have no doubt that he will. I turn away from him and approach my mother.

She opens her mouth to speak, but I shake my head. “Not now, please.” She bobs her head and reaches for Luke, passing the cart off to me.

“Did you tell your Mommy about the ice cream?” She smiles and I muster up some small laugh as we start walking and my briefly look back over my shoulder to see Justin watching us walk away.

I remember…
That you were so into it too
One plus one is adding up
To so much more

Blame don't shoot me
Just a boy who's
Getting dressed, and going home
Blame you confuse me
It was your rule
That we both wake up alone

Seven hours later, I’m sitting next to my son in his bed, my back against the headboard, my arm curled around him as he flips the pages in the book we’re reading, barely giving me time to read the words before he grows tired of the picture and wants to see the next one.

It’s 9:30 and way past his bedtime. But, we got off to a late start this morning.

“The end.” I say and he whines for one more story. “No, no buddy, it’s bedtime.”

I climb off his bed and lift up the covers and he reluctantly crawls under. “Night Mommy.” He mumbles.

I lean down and kiss his forehead. “Night Baby, I love you.”

“Luv you too.” He curls up on his side and I tuck the blankets around him. Stopping to flick on his night-light before shutting off the lamp and pulling his door almost all the way closed.

I’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that Justin won’t be calling and that is probably… no definitely a good thing. I make my way through the apartment, picking up stay toys and putting them in the playroom before I start to tackle the dishes in the sink.

Then I hear a knock at the door and my breath hitches. I have no idea who could be at my door, but when I peek out the peep-hole my stomach leaps into my throat. ‘How did he find my apartment?’

Justin is standing there, his hands shoved in his pockets, rocking back and forth on his heels and glancing up and down the hallway of my apartment building.

My initial reaction is shock, and then I’m angry that he would come to my home. My son is here, this is my space and he has no right to come here.

He knocks again and I breathe in, and open the door.

“What are you doing here?”

He smiles. “You know why I’m here.”

“How did you even find out where I lived? Justin this is ridiculous. What did you think was going to happen when you got here.”

He brushes past me and enters my apartment, shrugging off his coat and tossing it over the back of my couch. I’m furious, but when he turns around and smirks at me I get a rush.

He has this power over me. I close my eyes and will it away. I need him to leave, because this is wrong. This is so wrong. If he had called I would have told him not to come, but of course he probably knew that. He also knew that if he showed up I wouldn’t be able to resist him no matter how wrong it is.

When I open my eyes again he’s standing right in front of me. He whispers my name and his head tilts and lowers so that he can meet my eyes.

“This can’t happen.” I say, my voice not nearly as strong as I need it to be.

“Sure it can.” He nods his head once and inches closer. His hands reach for mine and lift them up and around his shoulders, then his fingertips dance up my arms and down my sides coming to a stop on my hips and he holds me steady as he steps forward.

“No.” I shake my head, and my eyes land on his lips when his tongue darts across them and they turn up in a grin. “It’s not right… it”

“Feels so good.” He finishes my sentence before one hand wraps around my jaw and those lips lower to mine. I can’t fight it. I’ve never been able to.

His lips brush mine softly and his nose nuzzles mine, tilting my head a little before he reclaims my mouth again. His hand slides into my hair and he steps forward until my back is against the wall. I feel his tongue slide across my bottom lip and he coaxes my mouth open, deepening the kiss.

His other hand lifts up the hem of my shirt and slides against my stomach, tickling up my side and hiking up the fabric until his hand reaches my breast. He presses his hips into mine and I can feel him getting hard.

This is all moving so fast but I don’t have the will to stop it.

“Bedroom?” He questions, easily pulling my shirt off over my head and lifting me into his arms. My legs wrap around his waist and his hands grip my ass.

“End of the hall.” I mumble against his lips. When we make it to the bedroom, he sets me on my feet again and his fingers fumble with my belt. I pull up his shirt and he stops what he’s doing long enough to raise his arms up and let me pull it off before he returns to his previous task.

I kiss his neck and my hands roam over his chest, sliding down and scraping my nails along his stomach and stopping at the waistband of his jeans. He groans and in a fury of roaming hands we remove each others clothing and he’s pushing me back onto my bed. Crawling above me he grins down at me.

One of his hands reaches between my legs.

“You’re so wet. You ready for me?”

I push on his chest and roll him onto his back. Climbing on top of him and straddling his hips. His hard dick falls back against his belly and I take it in my hands, stroking it slowly, I smirk when his breath hitches.

I nod. It’s too late to stop this now, I don’t think I can and I don’t think I want to. His hands rest on my thighs and his eyes scan over me.

“You’re so fucking hot.” He says. “Fuck…” He reaches down to position himself at my entrance and I stop him.

“Hold on.”

“Girl… c’mon.” He whines.

I lean over him and I reach into the little drawer of my nightstand and pull out a condom, tearing open the foil wrapper, but his hand reaches up to stop me.

“I wanna feel you.”

He says, pushing up his hips. I shake my head. “I won’t risk it.”

“You’re not on the pill?”

“I am, but sometimes that just doesn’t work.” He groans when I take him in my hand.

“C’mon Babe, you know it feels so much better without it.”

I lean down, and look him in the eye. “No glove, no love.” I raise my eyebrow and almost want to laugh because I actually said those words.

He relents and his head presses back against the pillow. “Just get on with it already. I need to get inside you.” His hands tighten their grip on my thighs and I roll the condom on before I lift up and slide down over him, he groans when he slips inside and my eyes shut and my jaw hangs open at the feeling of him filling me up.

It’s been so long since I’ve had sex. Not since before I knew I was pregnant with Lucas. “Oh my God.” I stutter out.

“Fuck.” He groans. “You’re so fucking tight. It feels so fucking good.” He slides his hands up to my hips and he keeps me from moving. He pushes his hips up, working his way in as deep as possible.

His eyelids slide open just a bit and he looks up at me, eyes dark with lust and need and the pressure of his fingertips lessen as he slides out a little and then pushes back up, a tilt of his head encouraging me to move.

My hands on his chest push and I lift up, circling my hips before dropping back down. His hands move to my breasts and he rolls his thumbs over the hard nubs there. He sits up a little his mouth replacing one of his hands and his tongue swirls around the bud. When he lays back again I follow him forward, still rolling my hips into him and the change in angle causes him to touch a spot inside me that makes me shiver.

His hands slide around my back and he flips us over so that he’s now above me, nestled between my legs that now tighten around his hips as he quickens the pace, pulling out and then pounding into me.

He makes a trail of wet kisses up my chest, pausing at my neck and nipping there before continuing on a path that ends when he kisses my lips his tongue searching for mine. His hands are everywhere, sliding up my calf and around my thigh and he lifts my leg over his shoulder, thrusting into me even deeper and I groan into his mouth.

“Shit girl.” He grunts.

“Fuck.” I choke out, barely able to breathe with the pace he’s setting.

“Does it feel good?”

“Fuck yes Justin.” It does. It feels so good. When he suddenly slows down, pulling almost all the way out and pausing, my eyes open wide.

“Look at me.” He says, his voice even. I lock eyes with him and he holds my gaze as he slowly slides in again, then out, and slowly in again.

Between his heavy gaze and the languid thrusts I feel like I’m drunk.

He reaches for my hands, raising them up above my head and holding them there with one of his, while the other snakes between us to rub at my clit, he circles around it, just holding steady inside me. Then he pulls my other leg over his other shoulder.

“Hold on girl.” He says before he drops his mouth to mine and starts pounding into me at a furious pace. The only thing that keeps me from crying out is his mouth on mine and I can’t believe how amazing this feels.

He rolls his hips and it sends me over the edge. I moan into his mouth and my walls clench around him, pulling him crashing into ecstasy right behind me. As he comes he slows down his movements finally coming to a stop and releasing his hold on my wrist. His arms move and my legs fall so that my feet touch the bed and with my knees bent I rest them against his hips. One of his hands slides between my head and the pillow and he kisses me slowly. I wrap my arms around him and my fingertips slide idlely up and down his back. The sweat cools on our skin and he drops his forehead in the crook of my neck.

“Shit.” He mutters and kisses my shoulder. “That was fucking…”

I just as much at a loss for words as he is.

He lifts his head up to look at me, but I tilt my head to the side and stare out into the darkness, trying to calm my breathing and forget about the feel of him still inside me.

He pulls out and rolls off of me onto his side and one of his hands slides over my stomach. He tries to pull me closer to him and I look towards him, noticing his eyelids starting to drop, and he is ready to fall into a post-coital pass-out.

He can not stay here.

I scoot away from him and climb out of my bed, crossing the room quickly, grabbing my robe from the hook behind the door and wrapping it around my naked form.

“You have to leave.” I say as I stand at the side of the bed.

His eyes open and he gives me a ‘yea right’ kind of look. “What are you talking about? Get back in bed.” He pulls the sheet over himself and holds the end up, expecting me to crawl in next to him.

“No. This was only sex. It shouldn’t have even happened in the first place.” I close my eyes tightly and will away tears. “Where does your wife think you are anyway?”

“I told her I was out for the night with my boys. Why do you care anyway?” He starting to get annoyed now, and that’s probably a good thing. Maybe it will get him out of here.

“Justin, I think you need to go.”

“Baby come on. Just get back in bed. Let’s take on round two.” He rolls onto his back and winks at me. “You know you want more.”

I scan the floor and find his boxers, picking them up and tossing them to him.

“No.” My brain has finally clicked on again, and even though I want nothing more than to forget the reality, I know he isn’t my husband and he belongs somewhere else. I can’t risk Lucas waking up and coming in here in the morning. I just can’t.

“You need to go home.”

“Fuck!” He swears loudly and this time it’s not out of passion, but anger. He throws back the covers and stand up, pulling on his boxers and searching for the rest of his clothes.

“I can’t believe you’re doing this. What the fuck?”

“This shouldn’t have even happened.”

“It’s a little too late for that now!”

“I swear to God Justin if you wake up my son!”

He lowers his voice, but there is still fire in his eyes. He stalks out of my room and down the hall, to grab his coat off the back of my couch.

I follow him.

“You keep fucking saying this shouldn’t have happened, but you know you wanted it just as much as I did.”

“That doesn’t matter Justin.”

“Like hell it doesn’t. You love it when I fuck you senseless. When you can’t think of anything but how good it feels.”

His angry eyes meet mine and trap me.

“I know this isn’t perfect.” The fire dies just a little. “But dammit all, there’s a reason it feels so good. I know you feel that too. If it’s so wrong, it wouldn’t feel so great.”

“Just go Justin.” I say.

“Fucking fine. Whatever.” he glares at me once more before storming over to the door and ripping it open. I rush over to it, just to keep it from slamming shut.

I stand just outside the door to my apartment building and watch him walk away, heavy steps echoing down the hall as he turns the corner to head down the stairs. I hear the door at the bottom slam shut. Tears slip down my cheeks and my hand brushes across my forehead and runs through my tangled hair. Guilt stronger than I could have ever imagined possible is pulling knots in my stomach.

He may be angry now, but I know he’ll call again. I already know this won’t be the end of it.

What have I started?

All the little movies
That we made
Don't have endings
Funny how
They all began in bed