“So, wait...” Cadence trailed. “Mr. Perlman was the old guy that you found jerking himself off near the warehouse?” Disbelief was evident in her tone, along with a hint of confusion.

I nod. “Yup, sure was.”

She stared at me, the look of confusion still blatant on her face. “I don’t understand...”

I shrug. “I guess his house was next to the warehouse we were renting. When we ran into his house on accident, we tipped him off to what we were doing, and he wanted to be a part of it.”

She looked up at me, pausing briefly with her words before she let them pass her lips. “Did he...come because of you?” she asked.

I shrugged dismissively. “I’m not sure, exactly.” I wasn’t trying to be vague on purpose, it was just something I hadn’t thought about in a long time.

I felt her reach her hand over to grab mine, and she squeezed it. I couldn’t look at her, partly out of embarrassment and partly out of the inability to want to remember such a dark history of my own life.

“I know this is painful, Justin...” she trailed. I love the way my name sounded off of her lips. Thinking more about my past made me want to escape it, made me want to think of anything and do anything to avoid it. It made me want to think of her, because thinking of her naked and sucking my cock was way better than the alternative memories that were stored in the dark recesses of my brain.

But no. I don’t want to think of her sucking my cock. I don’t want to do dirty things to her. She’s nice to me. She cares about me, and I want to do the same in return. I don’t want to ruin her to preserve having to think about the bullshit I went through as a kid.

I could feel the blood starting to course through my veins at a much higher rate. The contradictions and irony was starting to take over, and I could feel the itch starting at my toes. But I didn’t want to feel it this time. I didn’t want to let it take over my body to prevent me from remembering. So instead, I did something different.

“Do you!?” I yelled, looking up at her. Immediately, I felt sorry for doing so. She was just trying to be nice, but every button I had successfully avoided about my past was being pushed, and it was either bend her over a table or scream at her.

“Do you know how painful THIS is?” I gasp, standing up, pounding on my chest to illustrate my message. The emotion from processing the weight of this situation for 20 something years was beginning to crush my lungs.

“Do you know how painful it is, to have to remember things that I’ve worked my entire fucking life to forget!? Do you know...do you know what it feels like to have secrets buried under the surface for 20 fucking years!? Do...do you know what it feels like to be...to be a fucking failure at dealing with this? For never having the guts to tell the people that mattered what happened? Do...do you know what that feels like?” I muttered, my tone calming towards the end of my rant, the exhaustion already beginning to set in.

She just sat there and watched me, the silence enveloping us. The tension was so thick in the air, you could probably cut it with a knife.

“You’re right, Justin. I don’t know...” she whispered softly. “But I’d like to. I want to help you...and you can’t get better if you keep keeping these secrets.”

I groan, tossing my hands in the air in response.

“You think I don’t know that,” I ask. “You really think I’m not aware of how dire this situation is? I just...I don’t know how to...process it. How to give it words.” I mutter. At this point, I was pacing back and forth like a mad man.

She nodded.

“Stop worrying about how it’s going to come out. There’s no judgement here. I’m not going to judge you, okay?” she gently whispered.

I sighed, stopping my intermittent pacing to look back at her. My silence was her cue.

“Why don’t you tell me about Mr. Perlman. Who was he, and what happened when he joined your team?” she asked.

I stared at her, unwillingly. I could feel the tears starting to stream down my face, my hands balling info a fist, and I wanted to fight her on this. I wanted to say ‘no, I’m not going to talk about it.’ But I couldn’t. I needed to get this out.

“Okay...” I nodded.

--

It had been about a month since Mr. Perlman had joined Johnny Wright as our management team. Our tour had been pushed back, although I didn’t understand why. We had been rehearsing as hard as ever, and it felt like the fun was starting to disappear. None of the grownups seemed to see it, though. They were always laughing and giggling late into the evening off of booze that Transcon had sent over. It was like it was Thanksgiving for everyone except us.

One day, after the older guys started getting into a bit of a fight over something I wasn’t old enough to understand, I decided to head to the warehouse to blow off some steam. It seemed the more this “rehearsal phase” went on, the more I wanted to be by myself. No one understood me. I’m not even sure if I understood me.

Walking into the warehouse with the key I stole off Mom’s keychain was freeing. I had the urge to dance, to get some of this pent up energy out of my system. I would jerk off, which had become a past time of mine over the past month, but it was too much effort. Dancing was the only cure.

As I made my way through the dark, creepy hallway that led to the large rehearsal room, I realized that there was a light on. As I approached the doorway entrance, I peered my head in to see a very bizarre sight.

There, in the middle of the room, was Lou. He had a video camera out with Lance and Britney sitting on the couch. I had no idea what was going on. I happened to look up, feeling a pit deep in my stomach, and caught Lance’s eyes. His were full of worry, and I could tell he was silently telling me to leave.

Feeling protective of my friends, instead of leaving like I should have, I stormed into the room.

“What’s going on here?” I asked, defiantly.

Lou, in his maniacal demeanor, turned back towards me and chuckled a terrible laugh. “Oh, Justin. So glad you could join us. We were just about to get the fun started...” he trailed.

“Leave them alone!” I uttered.

Lance looked up in horror. “Justin, don’t!”

Shocked, he touched his hand to his heart. “What’s the matter? You don’t want to see your friends here? We’re just having a little fun with each other, just like you and I did a few months ago...”

Britney piped up. “Justin, what is he talking about?”

“Nothing!” I yelled. “Besides, they don’t look like they’re having fun,” I started. “This...this is wrong.”

Lance interrupted again. “Justin, just go!”

Lou slowly sauntered over to me and picked me up by the shirt, his sweaty, clammy hands holding onto the fabric in front of me.

“Look here, kid. You and your friends are going to go over there and have some fun, or you’re going to get in a lot of trouble. And you know this big tour you’ve been rehearsing for? The Disney Channel gig? All the things I’ve given you and your parents? It goes away. You see...I’m the reason you even have a career. Johnny is full of shit and was just biting some time until he found someone to invest in you. Now that I’m investing in you? I get what I want.”

I stammered a little bit, the fear coursing through me. “W-what is it that you want?”

Lou smiled, his demeanor changing as he smiled.

“Just a little fun, that’s all...you kids will enjoy it.” he finished. He smiled at us as I joined my friends on the couch.

--

“I still remember the toothy, disgusting grin he gave us as he hid behind his camera,” I uttered, a few tears running down my cheeks.

Cadence was silent.

I sniffled, wiping furiously at my face. My skin was pale, and anyone with a brain could sense my defeated demeanor.

“What...” Cadence started, but had to clear her throat. “What did he make you do?” she asked, innocently. “And did it repeat, or was it...just that time?”

I shook my head, folding my hands into each other and staring down at my shoes.

“We did a lot of things. It started there, with just innocent touching. As the years went on, it became more...involved. Mostly between Lance and I, to be honest.”

She sighed. “What did he make you do?”

I took a deep, shaky breath. “Umm...” I cleared my throat. “You know, blowjobs, mostly. In the later years, sex. That’s when he started making us...do things...um, to him. He only really liked the younger boys, which is I guess why it started with Lance and I.”

She was shocked, and I could tell. 

“What did he make you do to him?”

I could feel the tears streaming down my face, my jaw shaking as I did. “He would...” I started, starting to hyperventilate as I talked. “Make us give him blow jobs, or he would take our contract away.”

“Did your parents know?" she asked, pulling me close and holding me tight to her. It felt so nice to be held.

“No,” I whimpered, defeated. “No one knows, except Lance, Britney, and Lou. No one. I just...couldn't come to grips with telling anyone else. I thought...I thought they would look at me different, or that I would get in trouble.”

I felt her fingers running through my hair, and it made me feel a little more calm.

“When did it end?”

I shrugged. “It finally stopped a few years later. It was when I started dating Britney, and we sued Lou for breach of contract.”

I was shaking as I was talking, and I think we could both tell that I didn’t have much left to say. It was like I suddenly reverted back to being the 14 year old who didn't know how to handle this situation.

“Okay, sweetie. Come on, let’s take you back to your room and let you get some rest. You’ve had enough for the day,” she whispered. “For what it’s worth, I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I wish I could take it back.”

All I could do was nod. My darkest secret was now out in the open. There was no turning back now.