Justin, Trace, Rachel, Lonnie, Eric and myself were on a private jet on our way to Florida. Private jet...I honestly feel like I'm dreaming. It's like a hotel in the sky complete with couches, big screen TV's, a shower, entertainment system, and a stocked refrigerator and bar. The five of them walked on the plane like it was nothing, and I was sitting there in complete shock. My house didn't even have half the amenities this plane had. They didn't realize that first class travel to me was some extra legroom and an eight-inch TV in the headrest of the seat in front on me on Jet Blue. It took me a few minutes to take it all in. I stood at the entrance to the plane with Justin behind me and I think a "Holy Shit" escaped from my mouth. Justin laughed at me and kissed my temple before pushing me all the way into the plane. Justin and I settled on the couch watching a movie while Eric and Lonnie passed out in recliners next to us. I could hear Trace and Rachel behind us playing Go Fish. Justin says in reality both of them are really 5 years old.

I was lying on Justin's lap while we watched The Departed. After a few minutes I could feel my eyelids getting heavy and decided now would be a good time to take a nap since once we got to Florida Justin would have a lot to do and I really did need to study for finals next week. I would be studying by the pool, but studying none the less. The moment I closed my eyes I must have fallen asleep.

"Hey babe, I want you to come and meet my friend Victor."

I walked over and shook Victor's hand. He was looking at me funny and gave me the once over. I walked back to hold his hand, something that always made me feel comfortable and safe. I watched Victor take out a small sandwich bag, and smell it's contents. Next thing I knew he was rolling up a blunt and lighting it. I looked at Victor and then to the face that was suppose to be protecting me. His eyes assured me that everything would be okay and that I had nothing to worry about.  Victor threw him a bag full of white powder. I may have been young but I wasn't dumb. I knew exactly what was in that bag and I knew that I didn't want to be anywhere near it. He poured the powder onto the granite countertop and made it into a straight line using two butter knives. He rolled up a $20 bill and handed it to me. I shook my head and put my hands in the pocket of my sweatshirt.

"Come on baby it's just a little coke. You'll feel good after."

I shook my head again and started to back away towards the door of the hotel room. He reached out to grab my arm but I was moving too fast. I looked in his eyes and suddenly I saw hatred and evil. His blue eyes were bloodshot, clearly he was already high. I looked over at Victor and saw the same thing. I had to get out of there. I turn around to run and just as I reached for the door I was pulled back by my hair and fell hard onto the ground. I didn't say anything, I didn't scream or cry. I just got up and tried to get out again, this time I made it to the elevators. When I heard someone behind me I started to run to the staircase but a hard kick the back of my legs made me fall forward. I hit my head on the ground and everything was immediately blurry. Reaching for the door I felt someone grab my ankles and pull me backwards. The sound of the elevator doors opening gave me just a little hope that someone would walk out, but no one did. I was being pulled into the elevator and I saw the doors close as Victor hit the bright red stop button. He was standing next to Victor watching this all happen, letting this happen. I squirmed into the corner and pulled my knees up to my chin.

"Please don't hurt me," I whispered, looking into the eyes that were once a safety net.

"We're not going to hurt you baby, it'll feel so good."

I looked up at Victor's hand, and he was holding a pocketknife. I knew if I screamed or tried to get help I'd be murdered in an elevator. Tears began to run silently down my face. He came over and crouched down right in front of me and stroked my right cheek.

"Just do what he says and he won't hurt you baby. I don't know why you're trying to get away. You know I won't let anything bad happen to you."

"Please," I was now sobbing, "Please just let me go."

"I'm sorry I can't do that," he said while unzipping my sweatshirt.

I looked at Victor and saw him unzipping his pants and throwing them to the corner of the elevator. He looked at him and he nodded before kissing my lips and moving to the front of the elevator. Victor knelt in front of me and pulled my legs down straight. He straddled them while unbuttoning my blouse and pants. I closed my eyes knowing that there was nothing I could do to stop this. The past three years of my life had been a fraud. Now not only had I been verbally abused but I was about to have my whole world tainted. I'm going to be just another number.

I felt unfamiliar hands run down my now bare body, and unfamiliar lips on my own. I squeezed my eyes shut as tight as I could. I didn't want to feel anything. I sang songs in my head and thought about tropical islands. I heard voices in the background but didn't care to actually hear what they were saying. I could feel pain and it was beginning to be hard to breath. After what seemed like hours, it all stopped.

I opened my eyes and Victor was putting his clothes back on while I lay on the floor naked. He walked over to me picking up my clothes on the way and began to dress me again. It was silent. He kissed my mouth and I felt like throwing up. He took my hands and pulled me up as the elevator doors opened and Victor walked out. He laced his fingers in mine and walked me back to the room. He closed the door behind him and took my face in his hands.

"I love you baby."

"No you don't," I said beginning to shake.

"Of course I do. And you love me too." I shook my head as the tears started again. "Tell me you love me Marissa."

"No."

"Marissa..."

"No."

"Marissa...::slap:: Marissa....::slap:: Marissa...::slap::"

"Marissa," he was shaking me. "Marissa...Marissa..."

"NO!" I screamed as I shot up and slapped him across the face. I looked him in the eyes and screamed it again, "NO!"

His eyes were no longer bloodshot; they were the brightest blue I'd ever seen. He held me by the arms and I felt someone behind me. I looked at his face, and it wasn't him. It was Justin. There was a bright red hand mark forming on his face, and confusion in his eyes.

"Oh my God Justin," I gasped beginning to cry, "Justin I'm so sorry. God I'm so sorry."

I got off of the couch and started to walk backwards but was stopped by someone standing there. I sat on the floor sobbing. It was silent, I could feel 10 eyes staring at me and I couldn't take my eyes off of him. He wasn't saying anything, just staring at me. I felt someone sit down next to me and start rubbing my back. I heard Trace telling me that it was going to be okay, it was just a dream but I needed to hear it from Justin. I knew that I had blown it.

"Justin, please. I'm so sorry," I didn't know what else to say.

"We landed, I'll get your bags," was all he said before getting up and walking off of the plane.

I couldn't move. Trace wrapped his arms around my shoulders and pulled me closer to him. I watched everyone else get off of the plane besides myself and Trace. I didn't know what to say, or what to do. I had just slapped my boyfriend across the face. I looked at Trace with fear in my eyes.

"He'll get over it, he's just shocked," he said reading the questions running through my mind.

"I just slapped him across the face for no reason," I said back.

"You were dreaming Marissa. I promise you everything will be okay."

"More like a nightmare."

"Want to talk about it?"

"I can't lose him Trace. There's so much I need to tell him, I need to explain it to him but I don't know how."

"He's not going anywhere. Just tell him."

"How Trace? How do I tell my boyfriend who I've only been dating for a week now that I was raped? How do I tell him that I'm just another statistic? How would you like me to tell him that his eyes are the same exact color as the person who I loved that let it happen to me? Should I tell him that the first time I ever looked at him I saw someone else? Should I tell him that not only was I raped but that my boyfriend at the time watched one of his friends do it and thought I should be okay with it? How about I tell him that after I was raped, my boyfriend that watched beat the shit out of me because I wouldn't tell him that I loved him. Oh and here's the kicker, I'll tell him that it was his songs that I was singing in my head when it was happening to block it all out. How should I go about telling him that Trace? Please tell me how. Maybe I'll start with, 'Sorry I slapped you across the face Justin but I was dreaming about that one time that I was raped and when I opened my eyes I saw his eyes looking at me.' That's a good way to start the conversation right?"

"Marissa...I..."

"Exactly Trace. Not that simple now is it?"

"I'm so sorry Marissa. I'm so sorry."

"I know Trace, everyone is sorry. Everyone except the two people that should be."

"I know that it's not going to be easy, but you have to tell Justin. Once you guys go public it's all going to be put on the table and he needs to know before the world does."

"They didn't even get jail time. Supposedly since I didn't try to escape, it couldn't technically be considered rape. It didn't matter that if I tried to escape I would be murdered with a knife though. They're free as a bird, not a care or worry in the world. It's me that has to live with this. I have it hanging over my head while they just live their life. I'm the one who now has to tell my boyfriend about the most humiliating day of my life."

"He'll understand. He'll help you."

"I don't need his help Trace, I've been doing just fine for the past 3 years without his help."

"You have to tell him. He needs to know. He would want to know Marissa."

"You're the first person I've ever told details to. Probably should have been him huh?"

"No, you probably should have told details to a therapist or the jury or your family first. But I can understand why you didn't."

"We should probably get off this plane. And I should probably go make sure I still have a boyfriend."

"Trust me, you still have a boyfriend. A boyfriend that cares a lot about you, that should know the truth."

"You're right," I said standing up and wiping what was left of my tears off of my face. "Thanks Trace."

"Anytime lover," he said pulling me into a hug. "Gotta tell you, didn't expect this to happen the first day I met Justin's new girlfriend."

"That makes me feel better," I said lightly punching him in the shoulder.

I walked to the door of the plane and looked around. Justin was nowhere in sight. Lonnie was waiting at the bottom of the stairs for Trace and me and pointed over to the first of two Black Escalade waiting for us. I took a deep breath and walked down the stairs.

"He's in the first one," Lonnie said.

"Thanks," I said as I began to walk away.

The walk to the car felt like it took forever. I didn't know how Justin was going to react when I opened the door. I couldn't stand to see pain or hurt in his eyes. I knew I had to tell him everything, but where was I supposed to begin? I wanted so badly to open the door and have him hold me. I wanted him to tell me everything was going to be okay. I needed him to tell me that, even though after what I had done I didn't deserve to hear it. I should have told him this a long time ago, but for selfish reasons I kept it to myself and now I don't know if we'll be able to get past it. I took a minute before I opened the door and when I did I saw Justin sitting there with his head on the window and his eyes closed. The driver looked at me and I nodded letting him know it was okay to go. We had been driving for about 5 minutes and he still hadn't opened his eyes or said anything to me. I knew the ball was in my court and I had to do something about it.

"Justin?"

"What?" he snapped back at me.

"I'm sorry about what happened back there, and I know you probably hate me right now but I was hoping you'd give me a chance to explain."

"I don't hate you." That was a relief. I let out a breath and thought about how I wanted to handle this.

"I know that you're really busy today, but maybe we could talk when you're free. I have a lot of things I need to tell you."

"I've already cancelled my first rehearsal. I've done this show over 100 times I don't need to rehearse again. Just let me shower when we get to the hotel then we can talk."

"Okay," I said wishing I had more time to figure out what to do, "thanks." I couldn't look at Justin. I couldn't see him upset it killed me to know that I had done this to him.

"You don't have to be nervous," he said.

"I'm not."

"You're twirling your thumbs...you're nervous." I felt his hand on mine and looked up at him. "I'm not going anywhere."

***

I was sitting on the leather chair in the bedroom when Justin came out of the shower. I told myself over and over again not to cry since half of the time we've been together all I've done is cry. I still didn't know how I was going to say what I had to but I figured I'd just let it come out and run with it. He walked into the bedroom with a white towel wrapped around his waist and he was digging in his suitcase for a pair of boxers and something to wear. I hadn't been this nervous in a very long time. I didn't want him to feel bad for me, or try and help. I just wanted to explain. Trace was right; he needed to know before the rest of the world did. And maybe by actually telling him and explaining it, it would be easier for me to handle when the whole world did find out. I looked up and he was pulling on a pair of gym shorts. He walked over and stood right in front of me.

"Okay, let's hear it," he said.

"You umm...you might want to sit down it's kind of a long story."

He sat down on the bed and held his hand out for me to take. "Come sit with me," he said.

I took his hand and sat down on the bed with my back resting against the pillows. He kissed the top of my hand and took a deep breath.

"First of all I want to apologize again," I started, "what I did was wrong and I didn't mean to hurt you."

"It's okay, just tell me."

Here goes everything, I thought to myself.

"Justin what I'm about to tell you isn't really easy for me to do, and I'm not really sure how it's going to come out or if it's even going to make any sense." I could feel the tears starting to form. "When I hit you, I didn't think it was you I thought you were someone else."

"Okay?"

"I told you about the relationship I was in a few years back."

"Yeah."

"Well I was young when I got into it. I was 15 and we dated until I was 18. I was in love with him, and honestly thought that he was the one for me. For those three years I was happy, I didn't care about how crappy my family was or that everyone compared me to my sister. I didn't care about anything anymore because I was happy. My life was consumed by my boyfriend, I guess it was almost like he was a drug that I was addicted to."

"What was his name?"

"B...Well Brandon was his name but I called him B. He knew everything about me. Every wish, every fear. He was what kept me on my feet. Right before I had met him I actually thought about taking my own life. I look back on it now and realize how dumb it was but I guess when you have no one to talk to about it, it doesn't seem so stupid."

"Marissa..."

"Just let me finish okay? I need to get this out."

"Okay," he said now rubbing my back and brushing tears off of my face.

"I thought I knew everything about him, since I told him everything about me. But what I didn't know was that he was hanging around with the wrong crowd. For three years I never really met his friends it was always just me and him, until this one time he told me he was having a hotel party and all his friends wanted to meet me. It was right after my 18th birthday, so a little over three years ago, and I was a freshman in college. I went there and when I walked in it was just him and his friend Victor. They started doing drugs, and if there's one thing I'm not into it's that. I had a lot of friends OD in high school and I always thought drugs were just stupid." I had to take a moment. It was hard to breathe and my mind was racing, I looked up at Justin, "God Justin, you...you have his eyes. You have his eyes and when I woke up I thought you were him.

A light bulb went off in his head. "And that's why when you first met me you ran."

"Yes. But I see past it now, when I look at you I don't see him anymore. But when you woke me up I was having a dream...well more like a nightmare reliving everything that happened."

"So you wanted to slap him because he was doing drugs? I don't think I fully understand."

"No, that's not the reason why. This is really hard, I'm sorry. That day at the hotel I tried to leave because I just didn't want to be around it. I realized that he was already high before I got there and I just couldn't be involved. I tried to leave by they stopped me." I was now sobbing and Justin reached over and got me a bottle of water. He kissed my temple while I composed myself enough to continue. "When I went to leave the room they pulled me back and I fell but they let me get up and walk out and I ran to the elevators. The room was on the top floor and I knew the fastest way down was the elevator. They came out of the room and I ran to the stairs knowing that I'd be trapped if I didn't, but I didn't make it and someone, I'm not sure who kicked me and I fell. They dragged me into the elevators and once the doors closed pushed stop to keep it where it was. I was about to scream when I saw that Victor had a knife in his hand."

"Oh my God Marissa..." he was holding me so tight, almost as if he let me go I'd get hurt again."

"Justin it was awful. There's no easy way to say it. I was raped that day. My boyfriends "friend" raped me while he sat there and watched it happening. I felt everything, but at the same time I was numb. After everything Brandon dressed me and brought me back to the hotel room. He looked me in my eyes and told me that he loved me, and then proceeded to beat me because I wouldn't say it back. I lost so much that day Justin. I lost someone that I loved, I lost my dignity, I lost myself and everything that I stood for, and I lost the one thing I can never get back. I bared my soul to someone, put all of my faith and trust in him. Everything about that relationship was a lie. From that day on I've had a wall up. I haven't let anyone in, never mind a man. And now there's you and I'm letting it down a little bit and it's so scary to me. I never expected this to happen, I never expected to be able to feel anything again but now that I do I know that I can't lose it. Losing it would kill me. I'm sorry for everything that happened today, and I'm sorry for not telling you this sooner. I understand if you never want to see me again, but you deserved to know this before the rest of the world found out."

I looked at Justin and there were tears in his eyes. He didn't speak for a while which I understood, it was a lot to take in all at once. I felt 100 pounds lighter; a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. It actually kind of made me feel good telling someone about it and knowing that I wasn't alone in having details about what went on.

"I will never, EVER, hurt you."

"I know you won't Justin," I said looking down at the fringe on the pillow that was lying on my lap.

"Look at me," he said turning my face to his," I will never lay a hand on you like those sons of bitches did, EVER." Tears started rolling down his cheeks as he continued, "I'm so sorry that all of that has happened to you, if I could go back three years and take it back I would. Marissa you didn't deserve any of what happened to you, you know that right?"

"I know Justin, but that doesn't change that it happened."

"This explains your elevator phobia. I'm sorry I ever made you get in one, I didn't know."

"Please, don't worry about that now okay? I survived."

"Marissa I just...I don't even have to words to say what I want to. I'm so sorry, I'm just so sorry."

"I know Justin," I said scooting down to lay my head on his chest."

"I'm not going anywhere, you will not lose me I promise."

I exhaled deeply and closed my eyes. I believed him.