I do not want to be here right now. I want to be in bed with her, holding her close to me and making sure that she's okay. She fell asleep on my chest while I stared at the wall for two hours. I couldn't wrap my head around it; I didn't even know what to say to her. I don't think I've ever been speechless in my life before today. And to think that I was actually a little pissed off at her when she slapped me. She has been through something so traumatic, so life changing, and look at her. She's amazing. She works through it; she doesn't let it affect her even though I know that deep down it still does. It haunts her, clearly if she still dreams about it. I can't imagine having something like that hang over my head every single day for the rest of my life. I want to take all the pain away from her. She must have been so scared. She was helpless and alone. Thinking about it brings tears to my eyes and it didn't even happen to me. To think about the mundane things that I complain about on a daily basis. Not having enough time to sleep, it's too hot in the car, I have no privacy. It's all so trivial now. I would give up anything to go back three years and not have that happen to her. Take all my fame and fortune; take my house, my cars, and my voice, everything just to take that away from her.

I called Rachel and told her to cancel everything I had scheduled for today. Tell the press I was sick and couldn't perform, make something up. Reschedule the photo shoots and the radio interviews, I needed to be with my girl but Marissa wouldn't let me. She said that she's been dealing with this from three years and today is no different, and that she actually felt a little better telling me about it. I couldn't leave her alone so I made Trace stay with her, but all I could think about was her. I wanted to tell her that I loved her but I knew that was too much for her to handle, I knew she'd run.

I was spaced out during my interviews and barely answered any questions. People would ask me if something was wrong and I'd just say I didn't feel good, which wasn't exactly a lie. My stomach has been in knots since she told me. Johnny has called me four times today to scream at me and Rachel is up my ass trying to keep me in line. To them I had no good reason to be in a bad mood or not focused. I cancelled rehearsal so I shouldn't tired and I knew how important today was, but I couldn't tell them what the real reason was. It wasn't helping that this model was all over me. I made it halfway through the photo shoot before I called it a day and threw up in the bathroom. This was literally making me sick and I had to get back to her. In the car on the way back to the hotel Rachel practically ripped me a new asshole.

"I don't know what your problem is today Justin, but you need to get over it."

"You need to shut your mouth Rachel, once that happens maybe I'll get over it."

"I didn't do anything to you Justin expect try and keep you focused. You're off in Lala Land on one of your busiest days this week. People are asking you questions about the tour and your talking about the clothing line. I know you're not tired because you cancelled rehearsal to sleep, so what could possibly be bothering you enough for you to act like this today."

"First of all, I didn't take a nap. Rehearsal was cancelled for a different reason."

"Does this have something to do with your girlfriend slapping you across the face? Did she bruise your ego so bad that you can't focus on work? Work that comes before a girl that you've just started dating might I add. Priorities Justin, get them in line."

"Seriously Rachel shut the fuck up, because you have no idea what's going on."

"So why don't you tell me what's going on. She couldn't have hit you that hard for you to still be in pain. Please tell me what is so fucking important that is making you act like the biggest asshole I've ever met in my life. I like the girl and all but you've been dating for a week...one week."

She struck a nerve, a huge nerve and it was taking everything I had in me to not throw her out the window. I turned away from the window and looked her dead in the eyes. "If I'm the biggest asshole you've ever met in you life, you should be happy about that. Some people don't get off so easy Rachel. Some people WISH that I was the biggest asshole they've ever met. This isn't about her hitting me, or my ego, or any of the other bullshit you seem to think it's about. And if it weren't for Marissa, I wouldn't have done jack shit today so you should be happy that I was even at the radio interviews at all. And for your information this "girl" that you mention is important to me and I'm in love with her. So please do me a favor and quit complaining about dumb shit, do your job and just keep your fucking opinions to yourself."

She was silent but continued to stare at me. She knew she was wrong but at the same time wasn't sure why. I closed my eyes and could feel my stomach turning again.

"You're in love with her?" she asked after a few minutes.

"Yes, I'm in love with her. And I know you think I'm crazy because we haven't been together for a long time but I don't really care what you or anyone else thinks. I'm in love with her, so you should learn to love her too. Not that she's ever done anything to make you not love her."

"I totally wasn't expecting that. Did you tell her?"

"No, and you're not going to tell her either."

"Is this why you're off in a daze today?"

"No, God Rach just drop it okay? I'm not telling you why I'm off in a daze today. I'm sorry I screwed up your day but just let it go."

We continued the rest of the way to the hotel in silence. I could tell that I either got through to Rachel or maybe hurt her feelings enough to make her drop it. I made sure she was okay before we got out of the car and went inside. Trace was sleeping on the couch and Marissa was nowhere to be found. I woke Trace up and he told me she was out studying by the pool. I walked down to the pool and looked around making sure there was no one else there that would see me with her. I pulled my hat down low and walked over to a bikini clad Marissa sitting on a lounge chair with books and notebooks sprawled around her. I snuck up behind her and poked her sides and she jumped out coming out of her daze.

"Hey babe," she said getting up and giving me a kiss, "what are you doing back so early?"

"I just wasn't really feeling it today so I cut the photo shoot short. How are you doing? Are you okay?"

"Justin, I told you to get your stuff done, stop worrying about me I'm fine."

"Who said I was worried, I just wanted to spend time with my girl."

"The look in your eyes and the fact that you're making sure there are no bruises on my body says that you're worried. Justin, I am fine I promise you. Don't let this effect your life and your work."

"How can it not affect me Maris?" I said sitting down with her on the chair, "It's all I can think about. It's a lot to take in."

"I know babe," she said putting her head on my shoulder and taking my hand in hers, "and if you have questions or want to say anything to me you can. Telling you was the hard part I can handle anything after that. And I know that you have questions because you haven't said anything about it since I told you. No matter how hard you try it won't just go away, so if you have questions ask them."

"Can I kill them?"

"No," she chuckled, "I need you with me not in jail."

"What happened after?" I said getting serious.

She closed the book that was open in her lap and put it on the white table next to her. She leaned back in the chair and looked up at the sky while she stroked my hand with her thumb. "A lot but nothing at the same time. After everything he told me if I said anything to anyone he'd kill me. He left me in the hotel room and I was just numb. I got my things and left, and went straight to the police station. I knew that I couldn't just let them get away with it. I filled out a police report and was told to get a lawyer. I told my parents and they didn't believe me. They said I was seeking attention that I didn't deserve. I paid for a lawyer on my own and the case went in front of a judge. It was ruled that since I didn't fight it, it wasn't really rape. Victor got community service for having a knife, which he admitted to, and Brandon walked away. I didn't tell my friends, to this day Amy is the only one that knows, I just threw myself into school and work and prayed every single day that they wouldn't try and find me and hurt me. So basically they got off with nothing and it hangs over my head everyday. I've managed to keep myself busy enough to not think about it constantly, but sometimes I have nightmares about it or I'll see something that triggers me. I've moved past it though you know? I know that I can't go back and change what happened and I can't stop my life because of it. Granted I haven't dated anyone since then until you, but I think that's understandable." 

"How could your parents not believe you? And how the hell could they just get off with nothing, that boggles my mind."

"My parents don't give a shit about me, they never have. I learned to live with that at a very young age. Honestly, it didn't even surprise me that they didn't believe me. They don't love me, they made that very clear. I've never felt loved in my whole life, it's something I've learned to live without and I've accepted that I may never be loved."

"You know that's not true right? Someone will love you...someone does love you. Marissa you are such and amazing person and you have been through so much. Look at you, you're supporting yourself, finishing school, working, and you're doing it all with a smile on your face. You are the strongest person I've ever met in my life, and probably will ever meet. You're so special I don't want you to ever think otherwise. You have made me realize how blessed I am today, and how everything I complain about is just so fucking stupid. I should enjoy life and be grateful just to be living. Somebody loves you Marissa, it may not be your parents but somebody loves you." 

"Justin that's not why I told you all of this today. I don't want you to think the things that you do are wrong, or that you're not grateful for life because I know you are. You're practically perfect remember?" She was changing the subject because she felt uncomfortable knowing that someone loves her.

"Look at me," I said waiting for her eyes to meet mine, "somebody loves you."

"Please don't."

"I love you Marissa Mitchell. I'm in love with you. And I know that makes you uncomfortable but you are just going to have to deal with it. And I don't expect you to say anything back to me; in fact I don't even want you to say anything at all. But I love you and I'm not going anywhere ever. You mean so much to me and I will be there for you 24/7 365 days a year. I know you can't fully trust me and that's fine, I understand, but I'm going to do everything in my power to prove to you that I'm different. I will show you what love feels like."

She took my face in her hands and pulled my mouth onto hers. I knew she wouldn't say it back and I never expected her to. I knew it was going to take time for her to love someone again and I accepted that. But I knew deep down that sooner then she thought, she was going to realize that she was in love with me too. She pulled away and looked at me for a good two minutes before saying anything.

"Thank you," she said in a whisper.

"What are you thanking me for?"

"For putting meaning back into my life. For caring about me. For making it okay for me to smile. For taking the pain away. And most importantly for giving me my life back. Thank you Justin, you have no idea what you mean to me and I wish I could explain it to you but I can't find the words. Thank you for everything you have ever done for me in the past week and before you even knew I existed. Thank you for just being you."

She hugged me so tight I thought I was going to pass out. She packed up her books and sun tan lotion in her beach bag and grabbed my hand to pull me up. "Let's go, you've got rehearsal in an hour."

"I'm skipping rehearsal I want to stay with you."

"You're going to rehearsal, and I'm coming with you, so lets go shower and get ready," she said sternly.

"Fine," I said giving in, "you take a shower first I think I need to talk to Rachel."

"You can talk to Rachel after we shower together," she said with a wink.

My eyes almost bugged out of my head when I heard her say that. "Baby, are you sure?"