Brandon and I spoke every single night, he became my best friend, my shoulder to lean on, and the thought never crossed my mind as to why we've never met or even talked on the phone until one night two years later he brought it up.
bman615: how do you get through it all? when i'm not here to talk to, what do you do?
ris687: music. I'm constantly listening to music even when i'm talking to you. I wake up to it, sing it in my head all day and go to sleep listening to it. it puts me in a differant world. i forget about whats going on and just go somewhere else. i can't sing, tone deaf is the way my sister puts it, but i wish i could!
bman615: you know what i just realized, i've never actually heard your voice.
ris687: you know what i've never really even thought about that, it's so wierd since your cousin is my friend and we live so close. i feel like we're best friends and i probably don't even really know you.
bman615: you know me, you just can't see me. what's your phone number?
From that moment on, everything changed.My life spiraled, it all somehow became so much more confusing and life altering then before.
We were having an Indian Summer that November. There was a little more then a month to go until Christmas and I was wearing my favorite T-Shirt and jeans when I went to go meet him. My insides were shaking I was so nervous. I still had no idea what he looked like, but I was in a crowd of people searching for him. The minute my eyes met his gaze I knew it was him. My world was complete. As complete as it could be at age 15. There was no turning back from there. We saw an old movie in Harvard Square and went to get dessert after. In the elevator after dessert he pushed the STOP button and kissed me. I saw stars, fireworks, unicorns, money, everything that could make anyone happy I saw. That was when my life was going to get better, I saw my world doing a complete 180, happiness was on the horizon...Or so I thought.
August 2007
I was a sophmore in college. I never actually wanted to go to college, school was never my fortee and I was always compared to my sister who was a straight A student. "Oh, you're Nicole's sister," they would say. "So great to have another Mitchell as a student, I hope you can live up to the name." Needless to say I don't think I ever really lived up to the name, I don't know if I just wasn't as smart as my brainy, talented sister or if I just wanted them to think of me as my own person. I'd want to scream at them, everyday in my head I'd say "MARISSA, my name is MARISSA. Stop comparing, I'm me, not her!!" but I never did, because we Mitchell's didn't talk back. For that reason I purposly chose a differant college then my sister attended. Sure it was $20,000 more a year and I was racking up my student loans but I was my own person, no one knew who my sister was or how "great" my father was.
I was living in a dorm in the heart of Boston, surrounded by people who loved Indie Rock and couldn't get enough of Weezy and Eminem. There I was though always having to be the odd one out, listening to music that meant something to me. I didn't care about "smackin' hoes" and who the real slim shady was, I wanted music that spoke to me, that had emotion, that put me in my happy place. I hated rap, that's not singing to me, I wanted to hear soothing voices, music that when I closed my eyes it took me somewhere else. I was constantly made fun of for the music that I listened to, especially since I had a minor obsession (I say minor because I wasn't that person that screamed and cried and went psycho crazy) with Justin Timberlake. Over the years his music got me through some of the toughest times of my life. Whether it be when he was with *NSync or solo, his music was always the first thing I would turn on when I needed a break, when I needed to go to my happy place.
I had been looking forward to August 10th for about 6 months. My friend Jen and I had seen Justin perform a few years before when he was on tour with Christina and it was the greatest experiance of my life. The performance was something I had never seen before, and I had been to dozens of concerts prior. When we found out he was coming back, to Boston we got the best seats in the house I couldn't wait to go back to that place I was in when I had seen him live before.
Our seats that night were better then I had even imagined. The show was in the round and general admission let you get on the floor surrounding the stage. There were two spots where a walkway actually went out into the seats, and that's where I was sitting, in my seat practically touching the stage. I was so taken aback, my idol, my person was going to be standing right in front of me, singing the songs that made me stop everytime I thought about ending my life, that made me smile when everyone else around me was making me cry. That turned out to be the best day of my life thus far. The show was beyond words, greatest performance I'd ever seen in my life. Sometimes I would close my eyes and tune everything out but his voice and the lyrics, it was just him singing to me and everything else didn't matter. I didn't sing along, I didn't want to hear my voice over his perfect one, I just wanted to take it all in and let it last as long as possible. He was within arms reach more then 5 times, but I never reached out to touch him like everyone else around me did. I never screamed when he was close to us I just watched him and thanked him inside for all that he had done for me that he would never know about.
Towards the end of the show he came over to our side again, he was singing "Sexyback" the vain of my existnace I might add, because I thought it was the stupidest song I've ever heard, and he looked at me. You've heard everyone say it before "OMG OMG he's looking at me," but in reality he's just looking around. I didn't think he was looking at me partially because I had my eyes closed to listen to his voice, and even if I had them open I would have thought he was just looking into the audience until Jen hit me and said "HE'S LOOKING AT YOU!" and I noticed that he was standing there singing but not moving and staring right at me. I didn't know what to do so I said all that I've ever wanted to say, "Thank you," I mouthed, and to mine and everyone elses shock he mouthed "Your Welcome," back.
He was sitting at the piano singing the last song staring at me the entire time. He blinked 15 times within the 13 minutes that he was sitting at that piano. I know because I counted because I couldn't take my eyes off of him. I didn't clap when the show was over, and I didn't scream. I didn't move actually I was in shock, and I didn't want to go back to reality, but I was forced back when I felt someone tap me on the shoulder. I turned around and saw a huge security guard standing behind me.
"Come with me Miss," he said. I looked around and almost everyone was gone, they were breaking down the set. I thought the guy was kicking me out. But I thought very wrong...
