Author's Chapter Notes:
Sorry this took a while, I actually had work to do at work. How dare they! haha

"Where are we going?" My eyes were closed and my head was leaning against the window. My head was pounding and it felt like it was going to explode. My day of fun with Justin had turned into a nightmare, because why would anything ever go as planned? Sure it started off nice, breakfast in bed with my sexy boyfriend as dessert but almost immediately after it started going downhill.

"It's a surprise."

"Justin I'm really not in the mood for surprises, my head is pounding, I'm dizzy, and I just want to go be lazy with you."

"We will be lazy after you're surprise." I rolled my eyes at him and put my head back on the window. We were sitting in traffic because it was 5:00 in the afternoon in the middle of downtown Boston, one of the reasons why I took the train everywhere. He knew I wasn't really mad at him, which is probably the reason why he wasn't fighting with me right now. I was being a total bitch, I knew I was but I couldn't stop myself. "Close your eyes."

"My eyes have been closed for the past half hour."

"Okay well keep them closed." He parked the car and opened my door putting his hand over my eyes that were already closed and helped me out of the car. We walked up what seemed like a hundred stairs before he took his hand off of my eyes and told me to keep them closed. I heard him take keys out and put one in a door of some sort and heard the door close behind me when we walked in. "Okay...open." I opened my eyes slowly to see I was standing in the kitchen of what seemed like a mega mansion. Beautiful cherry wood hardwood floors, granite counter tops, modern cabinets, a refrigerator the size of my dorm room. I looked to my left and saw the hardwood floors continue into the living room/dining room. I walked through the entire first floor of the house and ended in the formal den. The whole house was empty except for a beautiful white Steinway Grand Piano. I looked behind me and Justin wasn't anywhere in sight. I walked over to the piano and pulled the bench out, sitting down and running my fingers along the keys. I closed my eyes again and started playing the first song I ever taught myself to play. I was humming along and didn't even hear Justin walk in the room and sit down next to me until he started singing.

 

Well I heard there was a secret cord,
That David played and it pleased the Lord.
But you don't really care for music do you?
Well it goes like this,
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall and the major lift.
The baffled king composed hallelujah.
Hallelujah.
Hallelujah.
Hallelujah.
Hallelujah.

Well your faith was strong,
But you needed proof.
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and her moonlight
Overthrew ya.
She tied you to her kitchen chair
She broke your throne and she cut your hair.
And from your lips she drew a hallelujah.
Hallelujah.
Hallelujah.
Hallelujah.
Hallelujah.

Maybe there's a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya.
And it's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah.

 

I played the last note and it took a few seconds for me to open my eyes. The first time I heard that song I was probably four years old sitting in church. From that point on I hadn't missed Sunday mass until three years ago. Church and my faith was a huge part of my life, and after all the drama that took place it kind of became non-existent. It was hard for me to believe anymore, everything was just too hard.

"I didn't know you played."

"I haven't even touched the keys to a piano in years."

"You're really good Maris."

"I mean I guess I'm okay. I never took a lesson or anything just kind of taught myself." He kissed the side of my head and we sat, not saying anything. I started crying, something I had become accustom to doing on a daily basis now. I was so confused. I was happy one minute and the next minute I'm back to reliving something I never wanted to again. Smiling then tears, tears then smiles. I felt like I was being pulled back and forth and it was getting exhausting. Twenty minutes ago I wanted to jump of a bridge and now I'm sitting here living a dream, playing a Steinway piano with Justin Timberlake sitting next to me singing along with me. What girl doesn't dream of his voice singing in their ear and only their ear. It was at that moment though that I realized how messed up and different my life had become. Everything I ever knew and loved to do was gone. I'd knew I'd probably never see my parents again, my faith had gone down the drain, my cousin who was my rock was gone, most of my friends were non-existent because I closed myself off to them, I wasn't me anymore. I leaned my head on his shoulder and squeezed my eyes shut willing the tears to stop coming. "I'm sorry," I said in a little more then a whisper.

"What are you sorry for?"

"Being an emotional mess. You've had to deal with me crying from the moment we met."

"It's been a rough couple of weeks, you're allowed to be emotional."

"I use to go to church ya know...every week I'd be there. Sitting in the same pew," I said after a few minutes.

"Why don't you go anymore?"

"I don't know to be honest. After everything it was just hard for me to believe anymore. I felt like I did all this praying, I volunteered my time to youth ministry, I taught Confirmation starting the year after I received it, and then that happens and I felt like I had done all that stuff for so many years and it was all for nothing. How could God let this happen to me you know? I miss it though. I miss having a routine. I miss...God I miss everything Justin. I'm so confused. It's like when I'm with you I'm happy but I'm also in some sort of dream world, and then you go away or life happens and everything comes tumbling down again. I just want to be happy all the time, and I don't want to go through all of this crap and make you go through all of it with me."

"No one is happy all the time Marissa. You have every right to be sad and confused, no one is saying you shouldn't be."

"I just don't feel like me anymore. Half the time I feel like I'm dreaming and the other half I feel like I'm having a nightmare. I want stability Justin. I want to wake up and know what my day is going to be like, and know where I'll be in a week. I want to know that at any moment my life isn't going to spiral out of control. I guess I just want to be in control of my life and I feel like I'm not anymore."

"So take control of your life. You are the only one that can control your life Marissa, everyone else around you can only try and guide you in the direction they want you to go in. But in the end you are the one that makes the decisions. If you want to be happy then wake up in the morning and be happy, surround yourself with people and things that you know are going to make you happy. Go back and do the things that use to make you happy. Make a conscious effort to not do the things or think about the things that get you sad. You can be happy if you let yourself be happy."

"Why do you always have the answers?"

"Because I'm perfect remember? You always seem to forget that." I picked my head up off his shoulder and scrunched my nose up at him. "I love you Maris, and I'm going to be there to support you and have your back in everything. You're strong, remember that."

"I love you too Justin, and thank you."

"Your welcome baby, but can I tell you the real reason I brought you here?"

"Sure, I'm ready for it." He spun around and straddled the bench so he was facing me.

"This house..."

"Yeah..."

"It's mine."

"EXCUSE ME?" I yelled my eyes popping out of my head.

"This is where I'm going to live when I'm here."

"Please tell me you didn't buy this house Justin."

"No no no...I'm renting it, but I did give some major thought into buying it."

"This place is amazing Justin. Go big or go home was your theory I'm guessing."

"It wasn't really the size that mattered to me, it was the security and the proximity to you that I cared about." I turned my head and looked out the window and saw the top of the State House when I looked down. We were in a Brownstone on Beacon Hill, which was five minutes away from my dorm. "And I was wondering if you'd maybe help me decorate."

"Of course J, I'd love to help you decorate, do you want to start now?"

"No, we're not starting now because we're going to be lazy until I need to leave."

"Right..."I said trailing off forgetting that he was flying out tonight.

"So I was thinking while I'm gone and in between your finals you could maybe go pick everything out."

"You want me to furnish this house myself? How can I pick out what's going to be in your house without you babe?"

"I trust you, I'm sure I'll love everything."

"I hope you don't regret that Mr. Timberlake."

"Don't make me regret that Ms. Michell."

"Does the piano get to stay? Because I'd really like to start playing again."

"The piano's staying. I actually had this shipped from my house in LA, I've had the urge to start writing again and I was thinking these next couple of months would be a perfect time."

"You never fail to amaze me." I kissed him and ran my fingers over the keys one last time before getting up and pushing the bench back in. He showed me around the rest of the house before walking back to the car and sitting in more traffic on the way back to the hotel. "Do you think they'll be waiting for us at the hotel?" He knew who "they" were and I saw him take a breath before answering.

"Probably, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it."

 

***

 

We pulled into the parking lot of the hotel and I saw them standing there just waiting. There had to be at least 30 of them. Justin pulled down the visor in front of me and made me block my window with my hand. He threw a zip up sweatshirt that he had in the backseat at me and I put it on pulling the hood over my head and dug for my sunglasses in my bag. This was it. The moment I had dreaded for the past two weeks. I was ready for it, but I was scared and I was even more scared because Justin wasn't saying anything and the look on his face was not one that comforted me.

"Say something," I said looking at him panicked.

"Whatever you do, don't let go of my hand. They're going to yell and scream at you and it's going to be hard to see and they're going to say really mean things but don't listen to any of it just focus on holding my hand and following the path that I make okay?"

"Okay," I reached for the door handle.

"NO," he screamed and I pulled my hand away like I had just burnt it on a stove, "Don't get out until I come around and open the door."

"Justin you're making me more nervous..."

"Sorry...I'm sorry. Just...just wait for me okay? Everything's going to be fine," he was fiddling with his phone and putting all of his belongings in his pocket not looking at me or easing my worries at all.

"Justin...please..."

"It's fine..."

"You're not even looking at me and you're face has no color in it." He stopped what he was doing and looked at me, softening the look of fear on his face and putting his hand on mine.

"It's going to be fine, I promise. Just follow me, keep your head down and don't listen to anything they say. I promise you. I'd kiss you to reassure you but that probably isn't the best move right now."

"Okay..."

"Alright, let's do this then." He let go of my hand and opened the car door. I watched as people shoved cameras in his face and pushed other people out of the way to get the money shot. They were screaming at him asking what my name was and when the baby was coming. He ignored them and pushed his way through to my door. I took one last deep breath and told myself I'd be fine before my door opened and I heard everything 10 times louder. The flashes were blinding once the tinted glass of the window was taken away and I barely made out Justin's hand reaching for mine. I intertwined my fingers with his and put my bag over my shoulder before getting out of the car and closing the door. I expected to be screamed at and I expected the flashes but I didn't imagine how difficult it was going to be to walk. They wouldn't let Justin through and we were surrounded from all sides. I kept my head down like Justin said and watched the back of his feet as my hands started sweating and my heart started racing. I knew we weren't that far away from the entrance but it seemed like it was miles away. One step at a time we were making our way through and I was trying to ignore the screaming and the questions, but it was kind of hard to do when they were screaming directly into your ear. Some questions weren't so awful, they'd ask for my name and how we met, how long we've been together, things like that. Then others were just hurtful, they'd tell Justin he could do better, I was too fat for him or I was ugly. They asked him why he was dating a nobody and said I was just the flavor of the month. Then they'd ask when we were getting married or when I got pregnant, it was just out of control. I could faintly hear Justin begin to yell for them to move when I tripped over someone's foot. I caught my balance before I fell, but it caused Justin to turn around, and when he saw why I tripped he started swearing and flipping out on everyone. We finally had a path to get through when Eric came outside and basically moved everyone out of the way. Once the doors closed behind us the screaming was muted and black dots started to form everywhere. He pulled me towards the stairs out of view and stopped holding my shoulders out in front of him and bending down to look me in the eyes, "Are you okay? Did you get hurt?"

I was blinking a hundred times a minute trying to get my full vision back, and I could feel my heart start to slow down again, "Yeah I'm...I'm fine..." It was then I realized that my hands and knees were shaking and I was only standing up due to Justin supporting me, "...just give me a second." I sat down against the wall to catch my breath, steady my breathing and wait for my knees to stop shaking so I could stand up again. He sat down next to me and I put my head on his shoulder and my hand in his.

"You sure you're okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine. I was expecting crazy just not that crazy, I just need a second to get my bearings back. It was my first time it'll only get easier from here."

"I wish I could say you were right," he said kissing the top of my head.

"What do you mean?" I picked my head up off of his shoulder and glared at him.

"This was nothing compared to LA and New York, it never really gets easier you just get use to it." I closed my eyes and hit my head on the wall behind me. It's only going to get worse, and after tonight I'm going to be doing it on my own. I thought I could handle it, I thought I was prepared for it but now I'm just not sure. "I'm sorry babe, I understand if..."

"Shut up Justin, don't even say what I think you're going to say, you know that cameras and people screaming at me and tripping over someone's foot are not going to make me run. So don't even say it, I'm fine." I stood up and extended my arm for him to take. He wrapped his arms around me and I could hear his heart beating just as fast as mine was, and for some strange reason that made me feel a little bit better. "Race you," I said as we got to the doors of the stairwell before taking off. We ran up 15 flights of stairs laughing like little school children the entire way, and both of us keeling over to catch our breath when we got to the top.

We watched a movie before Justin violently but welcomingly ripped my clothes off and made love to me on the couch. We moved to the bedroom and got under the covers, my head was pressed up against his chest and his arms were wrapped around my waist, his thumb rubbing my lower back. "Tell me something," I said into his chest.

"What do you want me to tell you?"

"Something about you that I don't already know."

"Hmmm..." he said before pausing trying to think of something, "I'm a perfectionist."

"Really? Do you really think I didn't know that?"

"Okay...let me see. Oh I've got one...I've never shared a house with a woman besides my mother."

"You haven't? I thought you bought a house with Britney and Jessica."

"Don't believe everything you read. I just never felt like I should share a house with someone I wasn't positive I was going to spend the rest of my life with, it's just too complicated. They didn't like that very much, but I'm stubborn so it never happened."

"You never thought you'd marry either one of them?"

"I guess not, no. I just feel like when you're going to marry someone you'll know and I didn't. What about you? Tell me something I don't know about you."

"When I was little, I think I was in the first grade my mother deemed it necessary for me to have a short haircut so that I looked like a little boy, and I went to this wrestling match with my Uncle and Frankie. I dropped my ticket after handing it to the guy, I picked it up and the guy goes 'Thank you sonny.' I'd never been so embarrassed in my life until I went to school the next day and asked for a Chocolate Milk and the lunch lady turned to someone else and said, 'Get this little boy a chocolate milk.' My hair has never been cut above my shoulders since then." Justin started hysterically laughing and my head was bobbing up and down with his chest. I couldn't help but laugh with him because I'd never seen him laugh so hard and it was contagious.

"That was a two for one," he said trying to catch his breath, "First that you looked like a boy, and then there's the fact that you liked wrestling enough to actually go to a match."

"Hey! The Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels was there, don't hate!"

"The more I find out about you, the more reasons there are to love you."

"Can I ask you another question?" I said after a few minutes.

"You can ask me anything." He kissed the top of my head and I closed my eyes as his lips lingered.

"Did you always know what you wanted to do with your life?"

"No, when I was three I really really really wanted to be a fisherman for some reason, but that didn't last very long. I knew what I loved to do from a really young age and I was lucky enough to have parents that recognized that and let me do things that involved what I loved."

"If it all got taken away, if the fans got taken away and the money, your cars, your homes, all the perks, everything...would you still do it?"

"There is no doubt in my mind that I would still be doing it. I'd sit in a train station and play the guitar and sing for pennies and dimes, it wouldn't matter to me because it's what makes me happy. Everything else is just an added bonus. You my friend need to quit worrying about what you're going to do after college because I know that's why you're asking. I was one of the few that actually knew early on what I wanted to do, I'm the odd one out here."

"I know, I'm not worried, I just want to know," I lifted my head up and put it down on the pillow right next to his, "if I could choose any job in the world I'd choose laying in bed with you like this for the rest of my life."

"Your gross annual income would be zero dollars."

"But I'd be happy and that's what matters right?"

"Touché Ms Michell. Touché." 

"You have to go soon don't you?" I looked up at the clock and it read 9:00. He was taking the red eye to San Francisco, doing a show tomorrow night then driving back to LA for his last two shows.

"I was thinking about just canceling the rest of the shows and just taking a week off of my break and making them up."

"And I was thinking that you're crazy. Do you're shows Justin, it's what you love."

"But I love you too."

"And I'll be fine here for two days while you're doing your shows. I have Amy and Luke, and first thing Saturday morning I'm flying out for your last show and then we have two weeks of nothing to do but be together. We have to get use to being apart sometimes because we won't be attached at the hip forever." 

"Are you sure you're going to be okay with people following you and all that mess?"

"I'm strong remember? I'll be fine." I got up and went into the bathroom because if we kept talking about it I was going to give in and tell him how I actually felt. I was scared shitless and I didn't know how I was going to do it alone. I didn't want him to walk two feet away from me never mind be across the country. I wasn't sure if  I could handle life as I knew it before Justin Timberlake became a part of my life, and before I lost my cousin. Everything about my life had changed and even with him gone and life going back to as normal as possible it was still going to be a challenge and something new everyday. I couldn't show him that I wasn't as strong as he thinks I am, and I wasn't about to be that girl that depends on him for everything. I splashed some water on my face and packed up everything that had accumulated in the bathroom before walking out and packing up the rest of my stuff. When I was finished I brought my bags to the door and sat on the couch next to Justin who was yet again watching Sports Center. "Ready? You're flight leaves in an hour and a half."

"As ready as I'm going to be I guess." We walked down the stairs and through the mass of people that were still outside the hotel into the waiting SUV. It was a little easier getting through this time since we didn't have to walk through the parking lot, and the cops had been called because of a fight that broke out after we had gone inside. It didn't take long to get to my dorm, but the silence was deafening. I didn't want to say anything because I was afraid I'd cave, and I could tell Justin was sitting there thinking about everything that could possibly go wrong while he was gone. We pulled up to the back door of my dorm and luckily there were no paparazzi. I leaned over and threw my arms around him, kissing his neck and taking in his scent hoping it would last until I see him again.

"Call me right when you land okay?"

"It will be 4am here."

"I really don't care what time it's going to be Justin I'm probably not going to sleep until you call me anyway."

"Okay I'll call. Please be really careful Maris, try not to go anywhere alone if you can and if you need anything at all call me, I'll get on a plane and come right back."

"Okay I promise I will."

"Good luck on your finals."

"Thanks babe," I said kissing him softly on his lips.

"I love you."

"I love you too Justin. I'll be fine don't worry about me."

"I always worry about you."

"Well don't. I'm fine...WE are fine." He nodded his head and I knew I had to get out of the car. I gave him one last kiss before moving to the door and he grabbed my wrist and pulled me back to him wrapping his arms around my neck and putting his lips on mine.

"I really don't feel comfortable leaving, with that whole Brandon thing and people finding out I should really stay..."

"You should really go," I interrupted him, "Justin I will be okay I promise you, and if anything happens you will be the first person I call. I love you and in a perfect world you wouldn't be leaving, but this isn't a perfect world. Go, do your job, do what you love and stop worrying so much about me."

"Okay..." he said looking down at his hands, "I'll call you when I land."

"Thank you." I moved towards the door again and this time he let me get out. I took my bags out of the trunk and I walked to his window that was now open. I kissed him one last time before I watched the car drive away. The last time I stood here and watched him drive away I honestly thought I was never going to see him again, but this time everything was different and most importantly I was different. It was still going to be hard, but this time I knew that in two days I'd be back in the arms of the man that I'm madly in love with and all of it will be worth it for that one moment.

I walked upstairs and threw my bags on the ground next to the door and flopped onto my bed.  Who would have thought that a little less then a week ago all of the shit that has happened since the last time I layed in this bed alone would have occurred. I heard a knock on my door and then Amy appeared in the doorway holding a vase full of Crazy Daisy's one of my favorite flowers because I loved bright neon colors.

"Hey, these are for you."

"Thanks Amy, you didn't have to get me flowers though."

"I didn't," she said laughing. I took the vase out of her hands and pulled the car out from its holder opening it slowly. I turned the card over and saw his messy handwriting all over it and a smile instantaneously appeared on my face.

 

Marissa No Middle Name Mitchell,

I've told you a thousand times this past week how strong you are and how proud I am of you. You've been to hell and back and handled it so well. I love you so much and as annoying as the cameras are I'm so glad I get to show the world my beautiful, strong, amazing girlfriend. Keep your head up and keep a smile on your face. Allow yourself to be happy. I love you, and I can't wait to see you in two days!

Love always,

J

 

I reread the card over and over again and my smile got bigger and bigger each time. This man is changing my world one bouquet of flowers at a time.

"He's a pretty amazing guy," Amy interrupted my thoughts.

"I'm in love with him Amy. Completely and utterly in love with him. Who would have thought something so amazing would happen to me?"

"You deserve it Maris, you really do."

"Thanks Am..."

"Okay enough with this mushy stuff," she said taking the vase out of my hand and putting it down on my desk, "Tell me what he's like in bed! Tell me everything. Does he sing to you? Does he lick his lips even when he's not singing? How does it feel to be dating America's most wanted bachelor? Tell me tell me tell me!"

"He's amazing."

"Come on, you're got to give me more then that."

"I don't know what to tell you Amy, to me he's just...Justin." She asked me a million and one questions and I tried answering them to the best of my ability. Some of them I made her skip over because I wasn't about to discuss our sex life with her but it was fun to see her go all teeny on me when I told her about his lip licking and how he sleeps in nothing but a pair of boxers. We stayed up until close to two in the morning talking about him. It was so nice to finally be able to tell someone how I felt, how he made me feel and not be worried about it getting out to the press. I was lying on my back looking up at the ceiling unable to get comfortable without being in his arms when my cell phone rang. I looked down and saw a picture of Justin sleeping with the covers all the way up to his chin and his mouth halfway open, I smiled and shook my head before answering. "I can't sleep without you next to me."

"I'll get back on the plane and fly back then."

"No, I have to study anyway, and I was thinking I'll just pop in a CD and hold my pillow pretending like you're next to me."

"It won't be the same."

"I know, but it's better then nothing. Thank you for the flowers by the way, they're beautiful."

"You're very welcome. I miss you already."

"I miss you too."

"Go get some sleep baby so that you don't fall asleep taking your test tomorrow."

"I love you Justin, so much."

"I love you too Ris, goodnight." I stayed on the phone until I heard him hang up. I hit play on my IHome and curled up in a ball next to my pillow. He was right, it wasn't the same and I didn't sleep but the smile never left my face.

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter End Notes:
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