Performing to me was some sort of religious experiance. I lived and breathed for it, and every time I got up on that stage it was like some sort of outer body experiance. It almost felt like I had no control over what I was doing, it was someone elses work and I got the credit for it. When you walk out onto a stage and don't even say a word and have thousands of people screaming for you, I don't care if you're fucking Michael Jackson you question yourself and say why? How? I'm so blessed to be able to do what I love for a living. I'm not going to lie, I work my fucking ass off 365 days a year, but it doesn't feel like a job to me because I love it so much. But no matter how hard I work, I still don't expect to have thousands of people night after night show up at my show and go nuts. The minute I hear that first scream, it's like a high, and even though I've rehersed for hours on end and basically do the same exact thing every night, I get off that stage after two and a half hours dripping in sweat and wonder how I pulled it all off.

It was coming up towards the end of the tour and I had been on the road for a little over a year. I was looking forward to the tour ending but at the same time I couldn't imagine not going up on stage night after night anymore. This was the most successful tour I've ever been on, whether it be with *NSync or when I toured with Christina. What was even better was that I basically organized the whole thing, and controlled the entire show. It was that much more rewarding in the end to know that it was successful because I had put so much more time and effort into any other tour I've ever done. Not to mention the dancers and the band were fucking amazing.

Doing shows every night during the summer can get pretty annoying though. Rehersing all day, doing the show at night, getting the sleep at 4am and then getting up the next morning to do it all over again and have no time to enjoy the weather or really do any site seeing. I was getting really frustrated, I hadn't been home in over a year for any period of time longer then 2 days, I hadn't seen my family or friends in that long, and I had been single for almost 2 years. So as much as I loved the show I had worked so hard to make happen, I was ready to enjoy the sun and beaches and move on to the next part of my life. Hearing the screams every night were great but I found myself not really having that outer body experiance anymore once August rolled around. I went on stage, did my thing and left, until we rolled into Boston.

I came to Boston a day before the show, a covited day off. They were rare but I made sure I had one the day before the Boston show because I loved walking around there, and had a few friends that I wanted to catch up with. I was staying at the Ritz downtown which was a blessing and a curse all the same. Sure it was great to be centrally located with the Theater District two blocks to my left, movies and shopping to my right, and Beacon Hill and the Boston Common across from me, but that the same time I felt like I couldn't do anything without being hounded because I was around so much. I tried to take the dogs for a walk in the Common and got stopped at least 30 times by students walking to and from classes. I didn't mind so much since everyone seemed really nice and didn't freak out or cause a scene, but I kind of just wanted to listen to my IPod and walk my dogs. It's the price you pay for chosing my profession though. I met up with my friend Justin that night and we ate at this new sushi place on Beacon Hill called Ma Soba. They put us in a back room so that we could eat in peace, we had a great view of three walls and a kitchen. After seeing a play at the Wang I called it a night and went to bed before midnight, which was probably the greatest gift I could have ever asked for.

I felt so refreshed the next day. I had the urge to really perform again, to put everything I had into it. I hadn't felt like that in over a month. The day went by as any normal tour day would. Up at 6, worked out, ate, sound check, hung around the arena, ate again and did the show. The show was one of the best shows I've ever put on. I was energized, and absolutly killing it if I do say so myself. I could barely hear myself talking/singing there was so much screaming. As much as I loved that everyone was enjoying themselves, at one point I wanted to scream and say "SHUT UP! Listen, take it all in!" Because to me I always felt like if you're screaming you can't actually hear what's going on and you're not actually experiance the show and all the hard work I put into it.

I was singing Sexyback, which I highy considered taking out of the show because I was just so sick of it and honestly didn't really think it was even close to my best work, but I brought Tim out on tour with me and I couldn't only have him come up with me for one song. We were bouncing around the stage, and then I saw her. Her eyes were closed, she was standing still while everyone around her was freaking out because I was so close to them. I could see her mouthing the words but knew she wasn't actually singing them. I couldn't take my eyes off of her and I soon realized that I was staring at her. As I went to look away she opened her eyes, the biggest most beautiful hazel eyes I've ever seen, and she said "Thank you." I didn't know what to do or say, and I think I forgot that I was still performing until Tim hit me really hard on the back. I mouthed back "Your Welcome." I don't really know why, I had no clue what she was thanking me for, but I didn't know what else to do. As I turned to walk to the other side of the stage, all I could think about was how I was going to get her to me after the show, because I needed to see her, to talk to her, to get to know her. Some girl, at some show, I didn't even know her name, but I knew I needed her.

When I went to go change for the final number, I caught the eye of my security guard Eric. I called him over while I was undressing. He looked at me kind of funny but came over anyway.

"You want me to protect you while you change dude?"

"No assface, I want you to go and get a girl for me," I shot back knowing I was running out of time to get back up on stage.

"Where would you like a girl from? A strip joint? Gentleman's Club? A college? You've gotta give me more info here," he said.

"There's this girl sitting where the stage goes out into the seats, she's in the first row and has HUGE hazel eyes, and she's not flipping out, she just there taking it all in. If you don't bring her to me man, I'll fire you!"

"I guess I'm going to have to find her then, does she have a name?"

"Of course she has a name, I just don't know it yet. Now go get her."

"Are you sure about this J? Bringing some girl you don't even know backstage?"

"I don't think I've been so sure of anything before in my life."

I sat at the piano and sang the last song. Everytime the piano spun around and I was facing her, I locked eyes with her. She knew I was looking at her and so did everyone around her because after a while people were in her face flipping out. She was differant from the rest of them, she got me, she understood me. I thought I was going crazy how could I know this without even knowing this girls name, but something inside of me was screaming, "Don't let her get away..."



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