"I'll give you two a few minutes alone," I faintly heard the nurse say.

"No...no that won't be necessary," Justin responded taking his eyes off of me for the first time and looking at her.

"Justin, please let me explain," I managed to get out.

"Explain what? The fact that you're a liar? I don't even know who you are anymore. You've been playing me for the past nine months. I've given you every last piece of me and you walked all over it. You were right before when you said the problem is that that baby is half you, that is a really big problem. We are done, so fucking done. I want a paternity test, and I'll have my lawyers contact you for that and if that baby is mine they'll be contacting you about custody. That is if you so choose to have this baby. Or maybe you'll kill it like you did the last one..."

"I DIDN'T KILL THE LAST ONE. Please let me explain Justin please."

"There is nothing for you to explain to me. You just ripped my heart out and tore it to shreds. What else could you possibly say to make this day worse? First you keep the fact that you're pregnant from me, and now this? What more could you lay on me?"

"Justin this baby...you said you'd never leave. You promised me. Please."

"I said I'd never leave when I thought you were someone else. But now...now you're just a selfish bitch." My heart was breaking and I deserved it, but if he just stopped and let me explain he would understand. He would understand that no one besides my doctor and myself even knew that I was pregnant before. He would understand that I didn't have an abortion, he would understand why I didn't tell him. He would understand everything if he'd just give me a chance. I needed a chance and he was walking out the door. My head was spinning and I couldn't even see clearly but I knew I had to stop him, I could not let him walk out of my life forever. I got up off the examination table and attempted to make my way over to him. My legs were like jello and after a couple of steps everything turned black and I felt my head hit off the floor. The next thing I remember was waking up in a hospital bed holding someone's hand. He came back, I knew he would. The love we had for each other was too strong for him to walk out and leave me without an explanation. My head was pounded and I couldn't open my eyes.

"Justin?" It came out as a whisper, "please let me explain." I felt a hand go to my forehead.

"Oh sweetie..." It was then that the tears began to fall. I shook my head at the sound of Amy's voice. He didn't come back, he didn't care and yet again I've managed to fuck up the one good thing that I had in my life. Everything was going right for once and now it was all being taken away because of my stupidity. I couldn't handle it, I tried to rip the IV's out of my arm and in seconds I felt people on me holding me down.

"LET ME GO," I screamed, "LET ME GO....NO, NO, NO, NO, LET ME GO!" I was kicking and using every ounce of energy I had trying to get out of their grasp, but I wasn't strong enough. "Let me go...please let me go...let me go..."

"Marissa you have to calm down," it was now Luke's voice that I heard.

"Please let me go...I need Justin...let me go find him please let me go!"

"Marissa STOP! You need to stop or your going to get hurt...STOP IT!" I stopped kicking not because I wanted to but because I had no more energy. It was like in that instant every ounce of me was drained out of my body and I couldn't move. I was hysterically crying, I had no will to live. I couldn't live my life without him, without seeing his face every morning, without hearing him sing in the shower, without feeling his arms wrapped around me, without feeling his touch on my skin. I need him to make me whole and now he was gone. I couldn't breathe, my body couldn't function. This was a pain I never felt before.

***

I felt the bed move, but I kept my eyes closed and pretended to be asleep. "Marissa, you have a doctors appointment." I felt a hand on my back, but it wasn't the hand that belonged there. I didn't move, there was no need to move. "Maris you have to get up." Luke has been doing everything in his power to get me out of bed for the past three months, but unless I had to pee or felt hungry that day, there was no point in me getting up. He got off the bed. He knew I wasn't going anywhere and the minute I heard the door close behind him I let the tears fall again. I could hear him talking to Amy. He was panicked. No one knew what to do with me anymore. I didn't know what to do with me anymore. I was living in Trace and Amy's guest bedroom, and to be honest with you I don't even know how I got there after my weeks stay in the hospital. I'm shocked that Trace even allowed me in his house and I can only imagine what Amy had to do to convince him to let me stay here. Trace will come in my room every once and a while to check on me, but I know that his loyalty is to Justin. No one knew what exactly had happened that day besides Justin, that nurse and myself. They'd ask me everyday but I couldn't relive it, and Amy told me that Trace asked Justin but he wouldn't say a word.

I haven't seen, spoken to, or felt Justin in three months. His lawyers sent papers for a paternity test, stating that if I hadn't terminated the pregnancy Mr. Timberlake would like proof that the child is actually his. Mr. Timberlake...it was all so formal, like he never even knew my name or something. And how could he even think that the baby wasn't his? We were together for nine months straight except the times that he had to go away. I didn't get an abortion and I went for the paternity test and to no ones surprise the baby is Justin's. About a week later I got another letter from his lawyer stating that once the baby was born Mr. Timberlake would be filing a petition for sole custody of his child. I didn't know how I felt about that. In one sense I hated the baby because it tore Justin and me apart, and in another sense I loved it so much because it was all I had left of him. Amy would bring me my prenatal vitamins and a glass of water every morning and I'd take them and go back to sleep. I was hoping the pain would go away after a while but each day that past it only got worse. I felt like there was a knife in my heart 24 hours a day 7 days a week. There was no one to blame for this but myself. I told him everything there was to tell except this. Why didn't I just tell him?

I ended up getting up and going to the doctor that day. Luke came with me and held my hand. I listened to the baby's heartbeat. Still strong, still healthy, and I wondered what my heartbeat sounded like. It was probably weak, and ailing beating only a few times a minute. They had a picture of the baby up on the screen but I couldn't look at it. I don't know what I would have done if I saw any resemblance to Justin, it was too soon to be able to handle that. The doctor asked me if I wanted to know the sex of the baby and I said no. Justin and I agreed that we were going to wait until it was born because there are only a few surprises left in life. She printed out a picture of the sonogram and gave it to Luke. We drove back in silence. He tried to ask me questions but I didn't want to answer any of them so I just looked out the window watching the white lines on the road pass me by for fear that if I looked up I'd see a happy couple, or a family walking down the street and lose it.

***

That night I felt my bed move again but this time no one touched me. Whoever it was was just lying there not saying a word. I watched the red digits on the clock change 37 times before he spoke.

"He's my best friend Marissa, and right now he's not even talking to me because I'm letting you live in my house. I don't know what happened, and to be honest I don't think I even want to know what happened, but this is what I do know. Both of you are miserable. You can't even function and he has turned into the biggest asshole I've ever met in my life. And in the middle of all this is an innocent baby that is going to be brought into the world in the midst of what feels like World War Three. I've been best friends with Justin since birth, but I love you too and you guys cannot continue like this. It's not healthy for anyone involved. You have to take care of that baby, your classes start up again next week, and Justin needs to be able to realize that he's going down a bad path right now that's only going to lead to destruction. I don't think he's been sober for a full 24 hours once in the past three months. You can't live like this anymore. Whatever happened, happened and now you both need to move on either together or apart but something has to be done. I won't let this happen anymore and I won't let my niece or nephew be brought into this world while it's happening. So you're either going to have to get up and start living your life again or you need to find somewhere else to live because this will not happen under my watch any longer. It's gone on long enough." He was kicking me out. I should have seen this coming. I had a choice to make but in my mind I couldn't just get up and move on, so I had to find somewhere else to live and fast.

"I'll be out by the end of the month," I said not even turning around to look at him. I heard him sigh and for the first time he put his hand on my back.

"Don't do this Marissa. You have to figure out a way to fix this. Not just for you, but for the baby. I know you don't want it to grow up in two different homes, spending every other holiday with you, and sending messages back and forth to each other through the kid. Trust me, that's how I was brought up and it's one of the hardest things I ever had to experience in my life. Find it in yourself to get up out of bed, continue with your life, and attempt to patch things up with him. I know deep down that's what you want, and I know deep down that's what he wants too but neither one of you are willing to make the first move."

"He won't talk to me Trace."

"Have you even tried?"

"No, but he's made it clear from the mailings that I've received from his lawyers that he wants nothing to do with me ever again."

"Nothing is ever going to get settled if you don't try."

"What am I suppose to do? Call him and act like nothing has ever happened? Or should I just corner him while he's getting drunk at a bar and see what happens?"

"Do you want the family that you never got to have?"

"Of course I do. There's nothing that I want more then that."

"Then go get it." He kissed my cheek and got off the bed closing the door behind him.

The clock read 9:23pm and for the first time in three months I felt like maybe, just maybe I had something to live for. It wasn't me, and it wasn't Justin or our relationship. It was this baby, our baby. I got out of bed and for the first time in over 90 days I looked at myself in the mirror. My clothes were practically falling off my body because I've lost weight everywhere except in my little beach ball of a stomach that was growing. It was the first time I've actually seen my body changing. My eyes were bloodshot and my hair was an oily mess. I looked so weak, so different, so not me. I put my hand on my stomach and made a promise to that little child that was growing inside of me that we were going to get through this, and that in the end we would be that family that Justin promised we would be three months ago. 

I took a shower and got dressed. I put on about 20 different outfits trying to find one that would work with this new body I was sporting. I looked at myself in the mirror after settling on one and decided that Trace was right and I had to make a change right now. I didn't feel much stronger then I did an hour ago, but I had more will in me. If I didn't fix this, no one would and my baby didn't deserve the situation if it wasn't fixed. I was going to find Justin, and make him talk to me, make him listen to me as I explained. I was a strong person that has gone through so much tragedy in my life. I've handled it before, and I'll handle it now.

When I walked out of the bedroom and down the stairs I wasn't sure what to expect. I needed help to find Justin, and I was going to need the support of my friends to get through this. I walked down the stairs and into the living room. The first thing I saw was Trace and Amy cuddled up on the couch and watching a movie. Tears formed in my eyes and a pain stung my heart. I blinked back the tears and told myself over and over again that this would be okay. Justin always said it, it will be okay. I walked up to the couch and Amy shot up looking back and forth from me to Trace.

"Hey umm...I was hoping maybe you guys could help me by telling me where you think Justin might be."

"Marissa...oh sweetie I'm so glad you're up. And look at you, you look beautiful," Amy said standing up and giving me a hug.

"Thanks Am...I know you're lying but thanks." She didn't say anything because she knew it was true. I looked like crap, like a person that's been in bed for three months, but she wasn't about to tell me that. "So does anyone know where I might find him?"

"You should probably try the Elephant Pub. He's been there every night for the past three months." My heart sank when he said that.

"That's where we went on our first date."

"Come on I'll drive you," Trace said getting up and giving Amy a kiss before wrapping his arm around my waist and walking me out to the garage. "I'm proud of you. You're doing the right thing." I just nodded ducking into Trace's BMW and putting the seatbelt over me. The car ride seemed to go on forever. Trace covered my hand with his the whole way, and even though I know he was just trying to comfort me it just didn't seem right because it wasn't Justin's hand. We pulled up to the back door of the bar and I stared at the door for a while. I was going back and forth, one minute I was telling myself I could do it, and the next minute I didn't think I could. For about 5 minutes I just sat staring at the door trying to convince myself to get out of the car and walk in. Then suddenly I felt something in my stomach, like someone was playing with my insides. I put my hands over it and felt the baby kick again. That was the last push I needed to get out of the car and walk into that bar.

"You okay?" Trace asked. "Is something wrong with the baby?"

"I'm fine," I replied with the first smile on my face since that day we first heard the baby's heartbeat. "I think the baby just kicked. Wait for me okay? I'm going in."

"I'm not going anywhere."

"Thanks Trace," I said leaning over and giving him a hug, "I don't know what I'd do without you."

"Your welcome. Now go get your man back."

I pushed the door open and stood up extra straight before I started walking to the door. Before I got there I could hear the music blaring and I could almost smell the beer coming from inside. It sounded like there was a live band playing and a rave was going on inside. I nodded to the bouncer, and he held the door open for me to go in. Walking in a wave of emotions came over me. I was nervous that this was all going to blow up in my face. Scared to see Justin's reaction, and almost joyful to be in the place that we had our first date again. Memories came rushing back to me. His face when I ordered a tequila sunrise, the first time I felt his hands on my face, his lips on my mouth. His first promise he ever made me, the first time he told me it would be okay. That all happened here. It gave me hope that maybe, just maybe we were meant to reconcile here too. I walked in further and saw a bunch of people gathered in front of the stage, singing and dancing to the live band that was playing. The tables were filled with people drunk off their ass watching the Red Sox game, and the smell of alcohol was stronger then it ever had been before. I looked around hoping to spot Justin and was crushed when I didn't see him anywhere. I saw the owner and asked him if Justin had been here and he said he was earlier but he thought that he had left. My heart sank. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to build up enough courage to do this again tomorrow. I turned around to walk out the door when I saw him. Sitting at that same table in the back of the bar out of sight. He was staring at a glass of whisky, spinning the  glass on the table. He looked sad. He had lost weight too, and his eyes were all sunken in. I watched him put his head on his arm that was stretched out on the table and run his finger along the rim of the glass. He was alone, concerned about nothing but his glass of whiskey. I'd never been more scared in my life.

It took another kick from the baby to start walking over to him. Looking to my right I saw a bouncer standing close to him, in a way it kind of comforted me. Justin wasn't a violent person, but I wasn't sure how he would react to seeing me. I made it to his table and he didn't even realize there was someone standing there. I watched his finger go around and around the rim of the glass, his eyes glazed over focused on the dark liquid moving. There was a lump in my throat and suddenly I forgot everything I wanted to say to him. Unknowingly I cleared my throat and that brought him out of his daze. His eyes were now on mine and they were not the eyes I wanted to see. They were blue and bloodshot and my mind immediately went back to that day in the hotel room that I was taken advantage of. I shook my head willing that image out of my mind and focusing on Justin in front of me.

"Wh..." he started.

"Please just give me five minutes," I said not even letting him get a word out, "I don't expect you to come running back to me or everything to be okay, just please give me five minutes."

"Why should I give you five minutes?" I saw the bouncer move closer to us. He must have been on standby in case I came in or something. I needed to come up with something fast or I was going to be out of there faster then our conversation lasted.

"Because I'm having your baby and it deserves a mother and a father that can at least talk to each other civilly." He looked at me for a few seconds before putting his hand up and stopping the bouncer. I turned around and watched him walk back to his post before turning back to Justin. He motioned for me to sit down on the stool across from him.

"Do you want a drink?" he asked.

"I'm pregnant Justin."

"Oh...right." Ten minutes went by without either of us saying anything. It was hard for me to look in his eyes, and I could tell it was hard for him to even lay eyes on any part of my body. We couldn't sit here forever in silence, I had to say something if I was going to fix this.

"Are you drunk?" I don't know why that was the first thing I said, but I guess I wanted to make sure he was thinking straight before I tried to have a conversation with him. A smirk formed on his face and I saw his shoulders go up when he chuckled.

"I've been coming to this bar and sitting in this seat everyday for three months, and by this time every night I've been piss drunk and that bouncer has taken me out to a cab. But today...today I've been staring at this drink that I ordered three hours ago, and I haven't even taken a sip out of it."

"Maybe that's a sign or something."

"Maybe." Silence. I had a whole speech planned and this wasn't the way it was suppose to go. Just looking at him took me back to where we were three months ago. Happy, in love, a family.

"I have a lot of explaining to do."

"Yeah ya do."

"Where should I start?"

"The beginning."

"Okay...well...First I want to tell you that I never lied to you, I just left certain things out."

"Like the fact that I wasn't your first real sexual experience?"

"No...that's the truth."

"Then how is it that you were pregnant before? Was it an Immaculate Conception?"

"No, it wasn't an Immaculate Conception. I got pregnant from being raped. It was Victor's baby. No one knew Justin, not even Luke or Amy or Frankie. I found out and I went to the doctor and that doctor was the only other person on this planet that knew I was pregnant. I was 18, pregnant with my rapist's child and was too afraid to tell anyone, so I didn't. At first I thought that I just didn't get my period because I was stressed out due to the circumstances, but then when the second month passed with nothing I knew something was wrong. I snuck out when Luke was out one day and went to the doctor to confirm it, and it was like my worst fear coming true. I couldn't tell anyone because if I did it would be real, and in my state of mind if it was real then there was no point in living anymore but I was too afraid to die."

"That was almost four years ago. Why couldn't you tell me four years later?"

"I can't answer that question."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't know the answer. I don't know why I couldn't tell you. I've asked myself that question everyday for the past three months, and I still don't have an answer."

"I just...I can't..." He was shaking his head still not able to look me in the eye.

"Just...just let me finish. I found out I was pregnant and once the doctor found out I was raped the first question he asked me was if I was going to get an abortion. What person wouldn't right? Well, me. I knew that I should because every time I looked at the baby I'd see him which in turn would make me hate the baby but I couldn't kill an innocent life. I decided to have the baby and put it up for adoption. It wasn't the baby's fault that he raped me and it deserved a good life. I found out on a Wednesday that I was pregnant and on Friday I woke up to a blood stained bed. I knew what had happened but I still didn't want anyone to know, so I got up and changed the sheets before Luke came in. Then I got dressed and went to the doctor. They did some sort of procedure and that was it, like it was never there in the first place. I hopped down off that exam table and decided that I was going to turn my life around. Forget about everything that happened and start over. That day, everyone thought I had some sort of revelation but no one asked me why or how because they were all just happy that I was out of bed and dressed. A few months went by and it was like none of it ever happened so I never brought it up again, that is until you came into my life." Suddenly my throat was completely dry, and I couldn't really continue. I called the waitress over and ordered a water. When I turned back I saw Justin taking a sip of his whiskey. I wasn't sure if that was a good or a bad sign. He put the glass down and I watched him swish the whiskey in his mouth before swallowing. He squeezed his eyes shut as it went down, a burn that he wasn't use to since he was a tequila drinker I'm sure. The waitress came back with my water and I drank half the glass in one gulp, finally able to swallow again without it hurting. I was about to start talking again when he spoke.

"It was like you drove a knife into my heart over and over and over again. For the rest of that day I literally thought I was dying. I put everything about my life on the table, I gave you every single piece of me. I've never in my life given my whole self to someone before you and you made me regret that over and over and over again. I questioned the entire nine months we were together. Every last second we spent together I questioned. I didn't know what to believe, I still don't know what to believe. You went from this broken person, to someone who was put together and loving life, and then out of nowhere it all came crashing down ten times worse then it was before..."

"You wouldn't let me explain..."

"Don't...you got you're chance to talk and now it's mine. Do you know how many times I sat outside of Trace's house? I'd come to this bar and sit in this seat and relive the first night I met you over and over again until I was too drunk to function and then I'd make the cab driver go to Trace's and I'd sit outside just waiting. I don't even know what I was waiting for. I wanted to hate you so bad. And every time I'd convince myself that you were a lie and that I hated you, I'd remember something you did or something you said and the love I had for you just got stronger and stronger. I had to cut myself off from Trace because every time I talked to him on the phone I'd question if you were sitting right next to him, happy without a care in the world. Or maybe you were in the other room, sad and depressed. Then I'd blame myself for something that I didn't even do. Because this time Marissa, this time it was all you. It wasn't Brandon, or Victor or your parents, it was you. You did this. You made the decision not to tell me. So if you've been in the guest room for three months crying, I can't say I feel bad about it. But at the same time, there wasn't a second that went by that I didn't miss you. And now you're sitting across from me, and you look like shit because you probably were lying in the guest room for three months crying and I'm the one the feels bad. I don't know why because I didn't do anything wrong but I want nothing more then to get up and hold you and take the pain away. But if I do that, I won't know if you're going to do this to me again, and I can not go through this again."

"You look like shit to you know."

He chuckled a little looking down at his whiskey before he took another small sip, "I haven't actually looked at myself in a mirror for a while, but I can only imagine what I look like."

I looked him over again. He looked like he had aged ten years since the last time I'd seen him. He was obviously miserable just like I was and it was all my fault. A few minutes of silence past as the band that was on stage exited and the bar quited down a bit. I no longer needed to scream over them, but now I kind of wished they were still on because I couldn't find the right words to say. I looked back over at him and he was staring at me, waiting for me to say something. I could tell by the way he was looking at me that he wanted me to respond to his last statement that I purposely ignored. I took a few seconds to pull myself together before I did just that. "I know that this is on me. I've been beating myself up everyday for it, and that doesn't take back what I did or anything but I just want you to understand that I know that everything you said is true. I chose to keep it from you, and I had no reason to. I trusted you, I still trust you, and I shouldn't have kept it from you. If I could do it all over again I would have spilled my guts to you sitting at this table a year ago, but I didn't know then that you were going to be my soul mate, and I didn't know then how fucked up I actually was so I didn't and now I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to get it all back. I wish there was something I could say or do to prove to you how sorry I am, but I know there's not and it's time for me to move on and realize that I ruined what was the most precious thing in my life. All I can hope for now is for us to be able to parent our child in a way that doesn't hurt him or her. You convinced me to have this baby and I want nothing more then to be able to be a family but I understand if I can't have that. All I'm asking is for us to be able to be civil, not for my sake but for the baby's." He drank the rest of his whiskey before he said anything. My heart was racing not knowing what he was thinking. I use to be able to read him, but that was when he'd actually look at me in the eye. It was taking everything in me to not go over there and wrap my arms around him and put my lips on his. I wanted to back away from him and watch him lick his lips and feel his hand on my face. I wanted to watch his lips move as he told me that he loved me, I wanted to be us again.

"I want to not love you. I want to be able to forget about you and forget about us but I can't. I know that you're sorry, I believe every single word that's come out of your mouth even though I don't want to. I don't want lawyers to be our only form of communication, and I don't want our kid to go back and forth between homes because we can't get along. I convinced you to have this baby and I fully intend on raising this baby with you. But right now Ris, I just...I need some time. I need time to make this pain go away, and more importantly I need to figure out what's going on in my life because at this point I've never been so confused before in my life. I'm use to having things planned for me everyday and now I get to make my own decisions and I don't know what to do with it. I made a lot of promises and I fully intend on keeping them, but I just need time."

My heart sank, but at the same time I now had hope that maybe we'd be put back together eventually. "I understand."

"I'm going home tomorrow for a couple of weeks to hopefully clear my head and figure some stuff out."

"Okay...maybe we'll talk when you get back from LA?"

"I'm going home...to Memphis. Stay with my parents, get away from the craziness of the city."

"Oh...of course. D...Do they know?"

He shook his head, "Nah, I haven't really told anyone yet."

"About us or about the baby?"

"Both."

"Oh."

"I just want to have it all figured out before I tell them you know? Maybe we can tell them together at some point."

"I'd like that," I replied smiling for the first time since I walked in the bar. The last call bell rang and I was shocked to realize how long we'd actually been sitting there talking. "So I guess I'll talk to you when you get back?"

"How are you feeling?" He asked ignoring what I said, "how's the baby and stuff?"

"I'm doing okay. I've been throwing up a lot but it's kind of subsided now, and I went for an ultra sound today and the baby seems fine."

"Good. Did you find out what it is?"

"No, we agreed not to remember?"

"Yeah." Another few minutes of silence went by and the waitress dropped the check off at our table. "You sure you're okay? With...with everything? Do you need anything for the baby, any money or anything?"

"No, I'm good with money and all that thanks though, and I'll be okay with everything soon enough."

"Okay. Do you need a ride back or anything?"

"I don't think so, Trace is waiting for me," I said getting up off the barstool. I watched his eyes go from my face to my stomach, and a small smile crept up on his face.

"You're starting to show."

"Yeah...weird huh?"

"No, it's actually pretty amazing...can I touch it?" The simple fact that he had to ask to touch me made my insides turn, he shouldn't have to ask, and at the same time I was scared because I knew once I felt his hand on me again it was going to make walking out of this bar without him 100 times worse.

"Of course," I said reluctantly. He slowly reached over to my stomach and placed his hand right in the center looking down at it amazed. He looked like a little kid discovering a new toy. Just then I felt the baby kick again and his face lit up, his eyes finally showing some form of life again. He stood up taking his hand off of me and wrapping his arms around my neck, "I still love you," he whispered. "I never stopped loving you."

I took in his scent and kept telling myself to remember this feeling because it may be the last time I ever feel it. I had held my emotions in the entire time I was there but hearing him say that made me want to explode. I held back though, telling myself I had to be strong, "I love you too," I replied, "We'll talk in a couple of weeks." I backed away looking at him one last time before walking out the door to Trace's car. I opened the door waking Trace up and sat down not saying a word.

"So...how'd it go?" he asked yawning.

"It went...well."