The day I met Brandon face to face I was totally drawn into him by his eyes. I saw him standing on a busy street corner, and the moment I locked eyes with his crystal blues he had me hooked. For the next three and a half years, all I had to do was look into those eyes and knew I could trust him, knew he would keep me safe, knew that I was loved. We could've been in a room with 100 people and meet each other’s gaze from across the room and it was like it was only us in the room. A simple wink would feel like a bear hug. His eyes were my comfort and protection. And as it turns out; his eyes were all a lie. A lie that shattered my world into a million little pieces that I still hadn't really picked up and put back together.

The moment I looked into Justin's eyes, the same exact crystal blues I had put so much trust and faith in years earlier, his entire face changed.  He no longer had a little bit of scruff on his chin and cheeks, his lips didn't move the way that they had just moments before on stage, his hair didn't have curls. He had a smooth, long, slim face. His lips were small and thin, and his hair was short and slicked forward. But most importantly his eyes. They bore into me with such hatred and lies. When I looked into his eyes I saw three and a half years of lies, and false hope, hatred, and misery, hurt and pain. I saw my heart breaking all over again. I tried to blink it away. I thought if I just shook my head it would all go away it would be Justin standing in front of me, but it didn't work. I looked into Justin Timberlake's eyes and I saw Brandon. I saw everything that I had tried to but behind me and forget. It all came rushing back to me, I felt like I had been knocked out by a Tornado and taken back to my past. I felt myself start to tear up, and as much as I wanted to stay I just couldn't. I couldn't handle it. I thought that I had gotten past it, but I guess I had just pushed it to the back of my brain only to triggered by an innocent person who had no idea what was going on. I wanted to explain, but I couldn't find the words.

"I'm sorry I just, your eyes, I'm sorry, I just can't do this..." was all I could come up with. I'm sure I sounding like a sputtering idiot and he probably immediately thought I was a freak. "It wasn't suppose to be like this," was my only explanation before I ran out of the room. I ran past Eric who was looking at me nervously, and ran straight to the doors that lead to the stairwell. I pushed on the door but it was locked, to my left was the elevator button, and to my right was Eric running towards me. I hit the up button and prayed that the elevator was already there, but as luck would have it Eric made it to me before the doors opened.

"What the hell happened?" he said as he grabbed my arm to spin me around. 

"I just can't do this okay? I'm sorry...I'm sorry," I felt the tears start forming again and I just kept telling myself not to let them fall. Not here, not now. Maybe when I'm alone in my room with the door closed and music blaring I could scream and cry, but not here. God, I'm such an idiot.

"What can't you do? Did he do something to you? Because I have no problem kicking his ass." 

"No, he didn't do anything," I sighed, "it's not him at all. God, this is every girls dream and look at me. I just can't do it, why is this happening right now," the tears started rolling down my face and I could taste the salt as they dripped into my mouth. The next thing I knew Eric wrapped his arms around me and he was pushing me over to a chair in the corner. He called over to someone down the hall to bring over tissues, and pulled up a chair beside mine. 

"I totally fucked this up didn't I?" I asked while wiping away the tears that were still flowing.  

"Well, I don't really know about that because I don't know what happened in there but maybe you could ask Justin if you fucked it up, he might be able to answer," he nodded his head towards the end of the hall. I looked up and saw Justin walking towards us. He seemed a little hesitant; he stopped half way down the hall, and looked at Eric with questioning eyes to see if it was okay to approach me.  

"So?" Eric asked. I looked from Justin to Eric and took a deep breath and tried to control what was now sobbing. I nodded my head in approval and tried to pull myself together. No matter what if he thought I was a freak or not, I owed it to him to let him know that he wasn't the cause of my outburst. He didn't do anything wrong and I didn't feel right not letting him know that. 

Eric got up and walked over to Justin and I got my sobbing down to just a few tears. I'd never done Yoga but I knew they always said to breath, so I focused a lot on my breathing. In my head I kept saying, "He is not Brandon, he is not Brandon," and tried to convince myself that everything was going to be okay. I kept reminding myself that every girl in America dreams of having this opportunity and not to fuck it up. Maybe I could even walk away with an autograph or something. My breathing slowed and I looked up to see Justin pat Eric on the back and start walking towards me. I was tapping my foot and twirling my thumbs, a nervous habit that every single person in my family had. As he was getting closer I told myself to face my fears and look him in the eye, be strong, I could do this damnit! 

Instead of sitting on the now empty chair that Eric had occupied, he kneeled in front of me and took both of my hands in his. Since he was on my level I had no choice but to look him dead in the eye. Instead of thinking about his eyes I tried to distract myself by focusing on other things, like how big his hands were, and how they were soft except in some places that had calluses from the guitar. I noticed all the freckles lining the part of his chest that was exposed, and his hair was somewhat of a curly mess. His tattoo on his arm was a lot smaller then it looked in photos, and his thumbs rubbing the back of my hands felt like heaven. My eyes were darting from his eyes to different parts of his body and back to his eyes. I thought that if I didn't look at them for too long I'd be able to get through this without having another breakdown. I was hoping he'd be the first one to crack and say something but after a few minutes of silence I figured he was waiting for me to explain myself. 

"I...I'm sorry about what just happened in there," I started as tears started to form again. I took a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling before looking into his eyes again and continuing. "I don't want you to think that you did something, because you didn't, in fact you've been nothing but nice..." I trailed off as my cheeks became wet again. I thought about how puffy my eyes must have been from crying and how right above my top lip always turns red. "I wish I could explain it all to you but I can't really find the words right now, and you probably think I'm a freak and you're totally regretting ever wanting to meet me, and I'll understand if you just have Eric take me back upstairs and escort me out..." 

"I don't think you're a freak," he interrupted as he wiped a tear off of my cheek with his thumb. "And it's okay if you just want to leave, I just saw you at the show and something told me that I had to meet you, but I understand if you can't." 

"No, I don't want to leave," I said through a sniffle. I realized that I had been looking into his eyes for a while now and I no longer saw what I did before. Instead I saw concern. "I think I'm okay now, if you'd still like to talk or...whatever," I stumbled over my words. I wasn't scared or sad anymore, I was just plain nervous. 

"That'd be cool," he said as he let out a breath, "I'm Justin by the way, I don't think I've actually gotten your name yet," he chuckled. 

"Marissa," I said while pulling my right hand out from under his to shake his hand, "and contrary to what you may think from my actions a few minutes ago, it truly is a pleasure to meet you." He put his hand in mine and gave me a firm handshake while pulling me up off of the chair at the same time. 

"Marissa huh?" he said, "sounds like a name belonging to a freak." I laughed out loud and punched him in the stomach, and immediately cursed myself for punching Justin fucking Timberlake. "A feisty freak...I like it," he laughed. 

He put his arm around my neck and started walking back to his dressing room. He pulled me close to him and rubbed my arm with his hand while we walked. We were about to pass Eric and I stopped in my tracks, 

"You okay?" he questioned. 

"Yeah, I'm fine," I said, and ducked out of his arm. I went up to Eric and gave him a hug. 

"Thanks," I said sincerely, "who would have thought I would be hugging someone I threatened with mace less then an hour ago."

"Your welcome," he chuckled, "and just so you know, if you use the mace on J, I will have to retaliate." I looked up at Justin and then back to Eric. 

"I think he's safe...for now." We started walking away and Justin looked over his shoulder to tell Eric we'd be in his dressing room, and to wait out there. He opened the door and the two dogs that were sleeping on the floor before leaped onto Justin and I. I knelt down and played with them for a bit before Justin made his cousin Rachel take them out to the bus. I sat down on the couch with my legs crossed under me and my thumbs twirling. 

"Nervous habit?" he asked while pointing to my thumbs as he sat down next to me. 

"Yeah, my whole family has it," I replied.

"Well, I'm ready to start over, how about you?"

"Definitely," I said as I leaned back on the soft leather cushion, "I couldn't be more ready."