Chapter Three

"You have to be the world's dumbest man," Justin said as he walked into Joey's house that night.

"A moron," Lance echoed following the man.

An idiot," JC said.

"Thanks," Joey said before pointing behind them. "Now you can leave."

"I don't think so." Justin shook his head. He grabbed the remote and flipped of the television while Lance and JC made themselves at home in the living room.

"After your lovely little performance today during rehearsal... not to mention you walking out, wasting the precious time we do have to practice. We decided," JC motioned toward the other two guys that came with him, "to take time out of our lives and busy schedule to find what turned you into an asshole."

"Such wonderful friends I have," Joey said sarcastically before taking another drink from his beer. "Did you solve your puzzle?"

"You're a dumbass." Lance said before taking the beer bottle from his best friend. "And I think you've had enough of this for awhile."

"Who are you, my mother?" Joey bit out.

"Do you want us to call her?" Justin answered. "Because I'm sure she'd love to see her Joseph like this. She'd love it even better to find out why he's like this."

"What do you know?" Joey pushed himself up off the couch. He needed another beer.

"Melissa dumped your ass."

Joey froze at JC's words but didn't turn around. His heart clenched at her name. He mentally shrugged it off. He wasn't hurt; he didn't have to take this from his friends. He continued to the kitchen.

"With a good cause."

That brought Joey striding back into the room. He twisted his hands in Lance's shirt pulling him from the couch. He leaned in close to his best friend, glaring at him. "You got something to say, Bass?"

"Yes," Lance stared unblinking at Joey even though his heart pounded. "You used her and gave her nothing in return. You deserve to feel like this."

"Really Joe," Justin shook his head. "Friends with Benefits? That's all she boiled down to?"

Joey released Lance quickly, causing the younger man to fall down to his couch. He spun around and paced the length of living room to stare out the window into the night sky.

"She was my everything," Joey whispered and the words he held in his heart unspoken tumbled free. "My once in a lifetime. My world. She was the first thing I thought of in the mornings and the last thing I would think about when I'd fall asleep. I loved her so much it hurt. All the women that hung around us, I never saw. I didn't want to see. I had Mel and she was all I needed. My heart was hers and always would be hers."

"Did you ever tell her this?" JC voiced.

That brought Joey up short. He flashed through their relationship in a span of seconds and felt a heavy weight on his heart. He never told her. He never told the one person in the world that mattered the most to him that she was it for him.

JC groaned, "You are an idiot! Would it have killed you to open your mouth just once in your ‘relationship' and tell her any of this? That it wasn't just a ‘friends-with-benefits' anymore?"

"I thought she knew," Joey whispered the pain in his chest worsening and he raised a hand to rub it.

"Of course she probably knew," Justin said. "But you didn't reassure her of the fact. And you know how women can be; they start over thinking and creating problems that are there to...." He stopped talking when three pairs of eyes landed on him. He shrugged. "Sorry. Damnit why didn't you open up your mouth and tell her?"

"I don't know. I don't know." Joey found his way back to the couch and sank down. Resting his elbows on his knees, he buried his face in his hands. "It just never came up." The excuse sounded weak even to him. "We just... We... I didn't think I needed to. We slid from friends into ‘with-benefits' smoothly. I just assumed..."

"Joey..." Lance shook his head.

"Maybe I thought I'd have more time," Joey sighed and leaned back against the couch, his arms falling at his sides. "I don't know. It's just excuses. I fucked up. She called me on it and decided I wasn't worth it anymore. And now I don't know what to do with myself. I've spent the past few days trying to figure out how to extract myself from Melissa and I'm finding it harder than I thought. It's been Joey and Mel or Mel and Joey for so long it's hard to separate. I.. I haven't been doing a good job of it I guess."

"You think?" Justin asked incredulously. "Tell her this man. Tell her what you told us."

Joey shook his head. "No. I think... I think it's better if I just let her go."

"Now you really are a moron."

*~*~*~*~*

The worlds jumbled in Joey's head. It was so noisy that he couldn't sleep. With a disgusted sigh he pushed the blanket off him and sat up, twisting his body to place his feet on the floor. The moon illuminated the living room casting shadows. He leaned back against the couch that had become his bed since his split with Melissa. He couldn't bring himself to sleep in his bed.

He needed to sleep but his mind wouldn't shut off. Words whispered through his head, lines and phrases. He didn't know what to do with him. He stopped drinking; his last drink had come from the bottle Lance had taken from him earlier. He was completely sober now. He wanted to sleep. He needed to sleep. He was tired. He owed it to the guys to sleep so he could show up at rehearsal and nail the routine so they could get back on schedule.

With a groan he stood up. Not sure what to do with himself he wondered around the house before ending up in his office. He fiddled with the papers on his desk, putting a couple pens back in the holder, straightening the computer monitor.

Coming across another pen buried beneath a stack of papers he pulled it out but hesitated on replacing it in the holder. Pulling a blank piece of white paper from his printer he pressed the pen to it.

I thought she knew.

Joey stared at the four words he had just written. They taunted him, echoing in his mind over and over. He couldn't understand how Melissa didn't know how much he loved her. Their ‘friends-with-benefits' ceased to be that in his mind a long time ago in their relationship. He thought they had the real thing.

My world revolved around her

I should have told her

He should have told her. He should have told her the minute he realized he loved her and he wanted so much more. He should have told her. His friends were right. He was stupid. He was a moron; a dumbass. There was no reason why he didn't tell her. He'd sell his soul to be able to go back in time and speak all the words he didn't say, but held in his heart.

I'd sell my soul.

Words left unspoken

Words and phrases began to fill the paper. There was no rhyme. Just whatever was in his mind.

I thought she knew.

I thought she knew.

The phrase continued to repeat in his head and had him jumping up from the desk, his chair careening backward. He grabbed the paper in his hand and strode from the room. He was in his car driving down the deserted roads not taking into account the time. It was like he was on autopilot.

I thought she knew

After pulling into the driveway, he climbed from his car, the door slamming behind him. He bounced up the walk to the front door and started pounding on it. It took awhile before it was swinging open.

"Joey...wh...what?" JC's sleep-filled voice rumbled. He blinked in confusion when Joey brushed past him. "What's going on?" He rubbed his eyes trying to wake up. "What time is it?"

"I don't know," Joey shrugged. He turned to face his friend, whose eyes were still trying to adjust to the light. A line of guilt washed through him. "I need your help."

"This couldn't wait until morning?" JC asked, yawning.

Joey shook his head, thrusting out the paper he clench. "I can't sleep. I tried. And I can't. These..." he waved his hands toward the paper.

JC's eyes blinked a few times before he glanced down at the paper. Words collided together; some repeating. "What is this? Joey, are you okay?"

"No," Joey rubbed his face with both hands before sending his fingers through his hair, causing it to stick up. "I can't get my head to turn off. These words won't stop. And then I just started writing them. I can't make sense of them; put them in an order that sounds right. Help me, JC."

"Come on," JC gave in and led his friend through the house to the writing studio in his basement.

"Thanks," Joey said taking a seat next to JC. A keyboard sat in front of them along with blank pieces of paper. "I knew you would help me. I know Justin writes too and would do it, but... but you have more feeling and emotion when it comes to songs like this."

JC smiled as he grabbed a pencil, his mind already tuned into the words in front of him. He started humming out a tune. "A heart full of words left unspoken. Now that we're through. I sell my soul to have this silence broken. I thought she knew."

"I thought she knew my world revolved around her," Joey picked up when JC ended. He paused for a minute, mulling words over in his brain. "My love light burned for her alone."

"But she couldn't see the flame," JC countered, his hand flowing over the paper, writing the words as they spoke or sang them.

"Me to blame," Joey uttered quietly watched as JC changed the line as he wrote. "Nice."

A phrase that Joey had spoken earlier in the day teased JC's mind as he tried to think of it. "What did you call Mel earlier? She was ‘your everything'," he added when Joey stared blankly at him.

"My once in a lifetime." Joey supplied causing JC to nod.

"Yeah that's it." JC penned another line and another, humming a slow melody under his breath.

"This is making no sense," Joey said as he read through the lines they had written. "No, add another ‘I thought she knew' there."

JC barely spared him a glance, his mind in the song. "It will. Don't worry."

The sun was shining low over the grounds by the time JC and Joey dragged themselves from JC's house. The sky was clear and birds were chipping. Joey's face held a smile as he clutched the final copy of the song that took them both the rest of the night to complete in his hand.

"Thank you JC." He said sincerely. "And I'm sorry about yesterday and the day before."

JC waved him off, "It's alright. You should have told us though. We would have understood."

"Yeah," Joey looked down at the paper in his hand; the words jumping out at him. He sighed.

"Hey," JC spoke softly resting a hand on Joey's shoulder. "You should talk to her. If you tell her everything you didn't tell her before, she might forgive you."

"Ever fuck up with something this bad?"

JC shook his head. The line from the song jumped back at him. He hadn't found his ‘once in a lifetime' yet.

"Take it from me Josh," Joey raised his head and looked into his friend's sympathetic eyes. "If you love someone tell them. There is nothing to gain by holding anything inside."