Chapter Seven

Saturday, December 18, 2004

“You're such a stuttering dumbass.”

Lance took a swig of beer as he rolled his eyes.

“Thanks for the confidence boost, Chris,” he said. “That really helped me.”

“You could have gotten into her pants,” Chris said, popping the cap off his own beer bottle.

“The teacher, Chris?” Lance responded. “Really?”

“Hey, behind those reading glasses and that librarian look, there might be a freak hiding,” he said. “If you're lucky, she might smack your ass with the ruler instead of your hand.”

“Yeah, thanks, maybe that floats your boat,” Lance said, raising an eyebrow at his friend, “but not mine.”

Chris shrugged.

“Besides, I'm trying to grow up,” Lance replied. “I've got another person's life to take care of now. That's huge. I don't have time for hit it and quit it anymore. Work and my daughter, that's my life now.”

“So you're not even going to date?”

“Date, maybe,” Lance said, “but not sleep around with every woman I meet. I actually want to attempt to set a good example for this little person who now lives inside my house.”

“So who says you just sleep with her?” Chris asked. “Ask her out.”

Lance gave Chris a dumbfounded look.

“What do you have going on up there in that head of yours?” he asked. “Is it two baboons playing poker? 'Cause if that's it, JC owes me fifty bucks.”

“Hey, I'm offended that I wasn't asked to join in on the pool,” Chris said.

“Nyeah,” Lance said, brushing Chris off with a wave of his hand.

“I was serious,” Chris said. “You said she was beautiful – the most gorgeous creature you'd ever seen, if I remember correctly. She's amazing with kids – and now you have one. I'm surprised she's not foaming at the mouth for you – chicks dig that single father shit.”

Lance shook his head as Chris tipped the bottle back to his mouth. “I toured with pigs for eight years. No wonder I turned out the way I did.”

“Hey, I'm not that bad of an influence,” Chris said in defense. “Especially when you take into consideration what Joey was like.”

“Yeah, and Joey's married now. He actually grew up. You've been dating Mel for what, three years now? You guys are serious, you live together. Justin and Britney were totally in love for years, even though it didn't work out for them. JC and Bobbie dated for a long time. What do I have? A four-year-old, serious commitment issues, a laundry list of one-night-stands...and one who's dead.”

“Man, is that what this is about?” Chris asked. “Lacey? That was said and done five years ago, left back in whatever city we played in the night it happened. You know how it was back then. None of us thought we had the time for commitments. We were always gone, it was impossible to even go out on a date without getting mobbed by fans, you never knew when someone was serious about you or whether they were a gold-digger. What happened and how it all went down...it wasn't your fault.”

“It takes two to tango,” Lance said after taking another drink. “I'm as much to blame as anybody is – probably more. It should have been my responsibility to use something – or not do it at all.”

“She made the choice, too,” Chris said. “None of the girls we've slept with were forced to sleep with us. It was consensual all the way. And you've always been responsible and careful about it – maybe this happened to be the time the condom broke. You catch her at the right time of the month, bad timing all around, and oops! You have an accident. And she calls you Daddy now.”

“Could be,” Lance said with a slight nod. “Or could be that I lost my head, decided one night of being irresponsible wasn't going to ruin my entire life, and look at where I am now. I love Kayleigh, but...”

“Did you ever consider that there may have been a reason she never came after you for child support, Lance?” Chris asked. “That maybe she realized she was as much to blame as you were? That maybe she didn't blame you at all? It's not like it takes a rocket scientist or an armed guard to go to the media and tell them a celebrity is your baby daddy, because women do it all the time. And she is your daughter, so it wouldn't have been an unsubstantiated claim. She could have taken you for all you had, man. But she didn't.”

“I feel bad,” Lance said. “She had to do this all by herself. It's only been a week and I'm exhausted – and I don't have to deal with diapers and bottles and all that stuff. She had to do that, plus work, plus go to school, all by herself. I didn't do anything, I got off easy, and it doesn't seem fair.”

“Lance, you're a good guy,” Chris responded. “Almost too good. You shouldn't kill yourself feeling bad when you had no way of knowing and she could have cashed in her easy ticket at any time and gotten child support from you. She could have gotten money and wouldn't have had to do all that by herself, but she didn't. And there's a reason.”

“I'll focus on that when I get through the funeral tomorrow,” Lance said.

“Hey, we'll be there for you,” Chris said as he stood up from the kitchen table and walked over to the counter. “You know we will.”

Chris pulled on the utensil drawer, only to have it stop before opening.

“Your drawer's stuck dude,” he said, turning to Lance.

“No, it's not,” Lance said. “It's called a child safety lock, Chris. There's a special way you have to get into it.”

“What do you have to do, tell it that it's pretty and promise you'll call in the morning?”

“No,” Lance said with a laugh, getting up. “You have to do this.”

Lance walked over and pushed the tab on the lock, pulling the drawer out in an instant.

“Why don't you post a bouncer at your kitchen doorway to check ID?” Chris said. “Damn. You have to be smart now to make a sandwich in Lance's house.”

“In that case, I'm putting a safety lock on everything,” Lance said with a smile, dodging a dirty look from Chris.

As Lance walked back to the table to take his seat, Kayleigh ran through, nearly colliding with his legs.

“Whoa small fry,” he said. “No running in the house.”

“Daddy, why don't we have a Christmas tree?” she asked.

Lance raised his eyebrows in surprise. “Um...I don't know Kay, I've never had a Christmas tree. I guess I've never thought about it.”

“Well, my daycare has one,” she said, climbing into the chair next to him with her messy pigtails bouncing over her ears.

“Kay, this isn't your daycare,” he said, laughing.

“I think we should have one, Daddy.”

“Hey Lance, there's your in,” Chris said from the counter.

Lance turned in his chair to look at him. “What are you talking about now?”

“That's your ticket in,” Chris said, looking up from making his sandwich. “You don't have Christmas decorations, Kayleigh wants them. Ask Rayne to help you shop and decorate – because we all know you're not a decorator.”

“I managed to put together this place by myself. It's not so bad.”

“It's a high-end frat house,” Chris said. “The hideous child safety whatchamacallits improve the look of the house.”

“So in other words, make myself look completely incompetent, and she'll fall all over herself with desire for me,” Lance said. “Yeah, Chris, sounds like a solid plan. Make sure to tell that story in the toast at our wedding, okay?”

“Hey, there's two things that women go in for,” Chris said, walking back to his seat at the table with his sandwich in hand. “Single dads, and pathetic, incompetent men. And if you're both, you're locked in.”

Lance rolled his eyes and watched Kayleigh climb off the chair and walk to the fridge, opening it.

“Hey, Pez Junior.”

Kayleigh turned to face Chris as she shut the refrigerator door silently.

“Do you like your teacher?” Chris asked.

“Miss Rayne is lots of fun,” she responded.

“Wouldn't it be cool if she was here a lot? Spending time with you and your dad?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“What would you think of your dad dating Miss Rayne?” Chris asked.

“Chris!” Lance protested. “Don't ask her that!”

“Why not?” Chris asked, turning back to Lance.

“Don't drag my four-year-old into my love life,” Lance said.

“What's dating?” Kayleigh asked, still looking at Chris.

“It's like, when your dad takes Miss Rayne out for dinner,” Chris said. “And then they go see a movie. And then your dad brings her back here and--”

“Chris!” Lance scolded.

“I was gonna say gives her a kiss goodnight, jeez Mary Sue,” Chris said.

“Daddy,” Kayleigh said, turning to Lance.

“Yeah, Princess?” he asked.

“I think you should take Miss Rayne to dinner,” she said. “It would be nice. And Miss Rayne has to eat or she'll be hungry. And it wouldn't be nice if you let her get hungry. And you told me I always have to be nice.”

Lance watched her walk out of the room, dumbstruck as Chris tried to control his laughter.

“She's got you there,” he finally said. “You can't be beat by the wisdom of a four-year-old, dude. Now you gotta take her out.”

“Thanks, asshole,” Lance said. “Get out of my house.”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, December 19, 2004

“Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy Kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the Kingdom, the power and the Glory, forever and ever. Amen.”

Lance held Kayleigh against his shoulder, feeling Chris's girlfriend Melissa's hand rub against his back soothingly.

“I'm so sorry, Lance.”

It was what people had said to him all day, as if he had five years of invested emotions. He didn't, but in many ways, he was feeling as if he had five years of invested emotions that had grown like bacteria overnight and were presenting themselves now, at this moment.

Kayleigh was too young to cry, he realized. She only understood that her mother was dead, and didn't understand the concept of a funeral being a time for grieving and closure. He had debated asking one of the girls at work to babysit for a couple of hours and leaving her at home, but in the end he felt it was important to give her the opportunity to attend. He didn't want her to get older and find the emotions of not being able to go to her own mother's funeral come back to haunt her.

He didn't cry either. He hadn't expected himself to cry; there were no feelings for this woman to cry over, with the exception of whatever he felt for her the night he had slept with her and what had snuck up on him the past week since he'd found out they had a child together.

All of his feelings came down to one thing – guilt. It wasn't the guilt of not being a responsible father for the past four years, or the guilt of never knowing he even had a daughter. Today, it was simply the guilt of not getting to know this woman better.

They shared something so special – the girl he held tightly to his body right now, occasionally kissing her cheek and forehead. The girl he loved giving a bath every night, watching her run up the stairs in her pink sheep pajamas with the feet in them, brushing through her hair every morning and learning to braid hair and tie a mean ponytail. He loved that girl, and Lacey had loved her as well. It was one bond he could say that they shared.

It was the finality that that was the only bond they would ever share that got to him. He could never rewind the clock, get her phone number, take her out on a date. He could never be on the receiving end of the call telling him she was pregnant. He could never attempt to make it work between them, never have the chance to fall in love with her...possibly marry her.

What could have become if he had done things differently haunted him.

The service ended and he looked down to realize that Kayleigh had fallen asleep on his shoulder. He only wished today could be that innocent for him.

As he was turning around to follow Chris and Melissa back to their car, he saw her. Standing a few feet away from them, wearing a long black dress with her hair pulled up, was Rayne.

He was frozen solid in shock as she saw his eyes connect with her and she made the few steps towards him.

“Miss Parker, what are you doing here?” he asked.

“Oh please, call me Rayne, you're not one of my students,” she said, a hint of a smile on her face. “I know you weren't expecting me, but I thought you and Kayleigh could use someone who cared enough to show up.”

“Wow,” he said, dumbfounded. “I...we appreciate that. You didn't have to come.”

“I just...knew today might be hard. Especially for Kayleigh,” she said. She looked down at the sleeping toddler against his shoulder and brushed a strand of loose hair out of her face. “Fell asleep, huh?”

“Yeah, she did,” he replied. “I guess funerals aren't the same for little people as they are for adults.”

Rayne looked up when Melissa stepped up to them.

“Want me to take her to the car, Lance?” she asked.

“Yeah,” he said, gently situating Kayleigh into her arms, trying not to wake her. “Thanks, Mel.”

When Kayleigh's face fell back into place against her shoulder with only a gentle sigh, Melissa smiled and carefully started walking toward the car, where Chris stood waiting.

“So it looks like Kayleigh's doing okay,” Rayne said when they were alone. “How are you?”

“I could lie, but I'm not in the mood,” he said with a sigh. “I don't know.”

“How well did you know her?” she asked.

“I...didn't.”

She briefly looked down at the ground.

“You shouldn't let it bother you,” she finally said. “Life hands us lemons. We choose what we do with them. Some of us make lemonade and some of us chuck them at people because it's the only way we can find humor in it.”

Despite the setting, he couldn't help but laugh.

“Most guys wouldn't do what you're doing now,” she said. “Some guys find out they're fathers unexpectedly and decide it's too much work and never bother to make an effort or grow up. You're making an effort, and you're doing a great job at it. That's an amazing thing in itself, Lance.”

It didn't slip from him that it was the first time she had called him by his first name.

“Thanks, Rayne,” he said. “And I appreciate what you did here. Lacey was a foster child, and was estranged from her foster parents. She didn't have any other family. I didn't know how to contact any of her friends either. It was only us. Having someone like you here...makes me feel better about it.”

“If you need anything,” she said, “you can call me. Anything at all. I want to help you.”

He nodded. “Thanks.”

“I'll see you and Kayleigh tomorrow when you drop her off, then,” she said. He wasn't expecting it when she lifted her arm and gently touched his shoulder. “Bye.”

“Bye,” he said hesitantly.

And then, as quick as he had noticed her presence, she walked away from him – not knowing what she had done for him at a moment when he needed it desperately.

Melissa and Chris were leaning against the car when he walked through the cemetery towards them.

“Well, that looked cozy,” Chris said. “You two have any...big plans?”

Melissa elbowed him in the side harshly.

“We're at a funeral,” she said. “You need the filter between your brain and your mouth replaced; it's dirty.”

“What'd I say?” he said.

Melissa only shook her head at him and turned to Lance.

“It was nice of her to come, Lance,” she said. “She sounds like a great person. You shouldn't let that one go.”

Chris and Melissa both went to their respective car doors, opening them to duck inside out of the slightly chilly Orlando air. But Lance could only stare in Rayne's direction, watching her get into her car.

“Yeah,” he said, mostly to himself. “I really shouldn't. And I don't think I will.”