Author's Chapter Notes:

She stared down at her fisted hands and shuddered. “Are you sure you want to hear this?”

JC raised an eyebrow at her and smirked. “If you’re trying to seduce me--”

 

Casey snorted and pushed him back onto the bed. “I just want to be comfortable while we talk.”

 

He grinned and turned toward her when she lay down next to him. “I know; I’m just kidding.”

 

Truth be told, she looked terrified and he was trying to lighten the mood. She’d been nervous from the moment she entered his room; it surprised him, actually. He was used to self-possessed, cool as a cucumber Casey, but she’d been all but jumping out of her skin. He’d found it amusing at first, kind of, not that he was going to laugh. Because she’d come to talk to him, sat down in front of him, and he sure as hell hadn’t wanted to do anything to make her to leave again.

 

He’d had every intention of letting her pace and ramble for as long as it took her to get out whatever it was she was keeping from him. Not to mention to apologize for leaving so abruptly in the first damn place. It was funny, he’d often thought but never shared with her, that she managed to be so open and vulnerable in her songs. She penned lyrics that were practically bleeding emotions on a track. But when it came to dealing with them in real time, to confronting those pesky emotions up close and personal like, she completely shut down.

 

Crazy girl, he thought with a rising swell of emotion. Crazy girl that he was absolutely in love with, which maybe said something important about him. Thinking it was easier lately, although in the midst of everything that had recently happened he still wasn’t sure when he would say it aloud to her. And it certainly wasn’t the right time.

 

Having seen her clearly so anxious, pacing around the room so neurotically, had made him want to put her at ease and he wasn’t absolutely convinced that confessing his feelings would’ve served that purpose. And then of course, as soon as she told him about what he was currently thinking of as the stupid, fucking book, all he’d felt was an anger so hot it was bordering on blind rage.

 

If asked, JC was fairly certain he could honestly say he’d never hated anyone before. Not really. There were people he liked less than other people, and maybe a few people he’d come across in his life that he didn’t much care for at all. Hatred, though, wasn’t an emotion he was used to feeling. But right then, thinking of Tony smirking that night outside of the hotel, knowing he was actively trying to not only jeopardize Casey’s career, but demean her personally, he was sure that what he was feeling for the other man was nothing short of red hot hatred.

 

He could feel her shaking beneath his arm and he gave her what he hoped was an encouraging squeeze. “It’s going to be OK, baby. “

 

She inhaled slowly, and slung an arm over eyes. “I know that everyone thinks a particular thing happened in the room that day, and that thing didn’t happen.”

 

JC lightly tapped the arm that was covering her face. "Look at me, Case."

 

Keeping her arm in place she shook her head. "I can't. Not yet."

 

He bit back the sigh of frustration that threatened to escape. "OK."

 

It felt like she was doing that thing she had a tendency to do, putting up another wall. She was obviously nervous again, which unnerved him a bit. Nothing could be much worse than the stupid, fucking book. Or so he thought.

 

Casey began to speak in a small, flat voice. "Jazz came back to the room with me that afternoon to borrow a CD. I didn’t expect Tony to be there, but he was. With a girl. And I mean that literally; she was probably no older than eighteen, if she was even that. He likes them young, barely legal, really.” She made a small sound of disgust.

 

It made a sick sense. Tony was quite a few years older than Casey, and out of her makeup, hair pulled off of her face, she easily could’ve passed for sixteen. For the first time JC wondered how old she’d been when they’d gotten together. The more he thought about her ex-boyfriend the angrier he got, and right then he wanted to give her his full attention. He made a conscious effort to focus on what she was saying, and not think about Tony at all.

 

“She wasn’t fully undressed yet,” she was saying, “but it was close. When she saw us she jumped up and grabbed her clothes and cleared out. I asked Jazz to leave, too. I had already made some decisions about Tony, but I wanted to say some things to him privately. She didn’t want to go, and she asked me if I was sure. And I was, you know?” She sighed before continuing.

 

“That was stupid of me, but I used to do a lot of stupid stuff where Tony was concerned. I just wanted to tell him that I was done. With him. With watching him cheat on me and pretending like I didn’t see it. Of fighting with him whenever he accused me of cheating with Justin, which was really ironic, considering.”

 

JC blinked in surprise. "You knew he was cheating on you?"

 

She moved her arm off of her face long enough to her roll her eyes. "Of course I knew; I'd have to be completely oblivious--or stupid--to not know."

 

“I didn’t…” He trailed off, knowing his words had come out the wrong way. “I know you’re not stupid. But I saw you with him sometimes. You always looked more or less happy. I mean, not counting that time in the hallway in Orlando. You always smiled and, I don’t know. I guess I don’t understand--”

 

“Why I’d look the other way when I knew my boyfriend was cheating on me?” Her voice was thick with disgust.

 

“I’m sure you had your reasons,” he said quietly.

 

“Yeah,” she spat. “My reason being that it was easier. Because as long as he was having sex with other people, he wasn’t having sex with me and I liked that.” She suddenly sat up and cradled her head in her hands. “There was so much going on in my head. He was stressing me out--before the tour even began. When he started cheating, it was actually kind of a relief. The more time he spent with other women, the less time he spent with me.

 

“I didn’t want him here. But he managed to go behind my back and got hired as my assistant creative director. And then he was here, you know? And I didn’t really know what to do about that so I didn’t do anything. And I figured his cheating was a small price to pay to keep the peace.”

 

JC sat up next to her and leaned in close. “You said that what everyone thinks happened in the room that day, didn’t.” He sighed. “Does that mean that...did it happen before that? Did he ever, um, hurt you?” His voice was strained as he tried to keep it level.   

 

Several seconds passed with Casey seeming to consider her next words, and JC found his hatred of the man in question growing exponentially with each one.

 

“That’s not really the way Tony operated,” she said finally.

 

“What does that mean?”

 

“He didn’t…” She groaned and rubbed her forehead.

 

She still wouldn’t meet JC’s eyes and he could almost physically sense her discomfort with the topic of conversation.  He wondered if it was the thought of Tony in general, or if she just didn’t want to have the discussion with him personally. He watched her closely, noting the way she was squeezing her hands into fists.

 

“If you’re asking me, and I’m pretty sure you are, if Tony ever...forced me, the answer is no. Not the way you’re thinking of it. You have to understand what it was like, then. By the time I joined the tour, all of this stuff had happened in such a relatively short amount of time. And he was there through all of it. I had a publishing deal, and then I had Dara managing me, and then all of a sudden I’m signed to a major label. My life was this crazy whirlwind and because of all of that, I didn’t see at first how controlling he’d gotten.

 

“It was little stuff at first, like me wanting to eat at one place and him choosing another place instead. Or when he told me that I looked sexier when I wore my hair straight instead of curly, and he asked if I’d wear it like that more, for him. Or I’d have a particular outfit on and he’d casually suggest that something else would look better. And I guess at some point it was the same thing with...sex.”

 

She stared down at her fisted hands and shuddered. “Are you sure you want to hear this?”

 

He made a face. “I’m actually sure I don’t, but tell me anyway.” He took hold of one of her hands, clasping his fingers around hers.

 

She nodded. “He’s older than me, and in the beginning I liked that he was more experienced. He knew what he wanted, and he always told me so. I thought it was sexy.” She shrugged self-consciously. “But it turned into him wanting to whenever he wanted to, however he wanted to, and I started to feel like he just expected me to go along with it whether I really wanted to or not. He wouldn’t really take no for an answer.”

 

She saw JC open his mouth to speak and she shook her head quickly. “It wasn’t like he was throwing me down and ripping my clothes off, OK? It was a lot more subtle than that. He’d just...he’d get really sullen and stop talking to me until I went along with him. Or he’d get really...handsy until I just let him do...whatever. It was easier that way.” She moaned in frustration. “There was only one time that I flat out refused; he wanted to record us and I knew, deep down, that if I let him do it, it would almost definitely come back to haunt me.”

 

Despite the overall tone of the conversation, that part made him want to breathe a sigh of relief. Knowing that she’d agreed to do it with him--and on a couple of other occasions since the first time--told him that she really did trust him.

 

“He didn’t talk to me for days after that. He wasn’t used to me saying no. I’d let him take the lead in the beginning and it kind of became the default. I felt like I had kind of a responsibility to just let him be in control. I learned early on in my relationship with him that everything went smoother for me if I just gave in to him. My music, my hair, my clothes. Sex.” She shrugged as if there was nothing more to say about it.

 

He blinked slowly, seeming to measure his words carefully. “Casey, if he bullied you into having sex with him, that’s...” He looked down at their joined hands, taking several deep breaths before speaking again. “Maybe he didn’t throw you down, but he forced you. You get that, right?”

 

She closed her eyes and slumped her shoulders. “I’m not making excuses for him,” she began softly, “or saying that what he did was OK, but it wasn’t what you’re thinking it was either. That’s all I’m saying.”

 

He pursed his lips and didn’t say anymore; there was absolutely no reason to argue the point any further. And ultimately she got to decide for herself how to define everything that had happened. But for his part, JC said a silent prayer that he never saw Tony again. He was fairly sure that punching him was the least of what he might try to do if he were ever face to face with the sonofabitch again.

 

“Anyway,” Casey breathed slowly. She lay back on the bed and pulled him down with her. “I was telling you about what happened in the hotel room and I got way off subject. The girl left, Jazz left, and it was just him and me. I told him that I was done with him and he just smirked at me, like he didn’t think I meant it, or maybe I’d change my mind.

 

“I was so disgusted with him, and with myself for staying with him as long as I had, and I just wanted him gone. So I told him so. I told him I’d already talked it over with Dara and Everett and was just waiting for the paperwork I needed to make his presence in my life nothing but a memory because he was fired.”

 

She swallowed and continued. “He didn’t really care about me breaking up with him, but when he realized I was serious about firing him, that’s when he got angry and we started arguing. He was telling me that I only had a career because of the songs he produced for me in the beginning, and then he started in on Justin.

 

“He hated that I was friends with him, and that we spent time together. Justin used to flirt with me just like, for fun. I mean, you know how he is; he was never serious and I knew that, but it pissed Tony off. Everything about Justin pissed Tony off. And when he was angry or drunk, he’d immediately accuse me of sleeping with him.”

 

“He was threatening that if I fired him he’d go straight to the highest paying tabloid he could find and tell them that the real reason I was on tour with you guys was because Justin and I were...involved.”

 

Casey stopped and inhaled a shaky breath. “I told him that I was going to find out what I needed to do to make sure we left his ass in Baton Rouge when the bus pulled off, and he looked at me and he laughed and I just remember...his eyes were so...cold.” She shivered. “I turned away from him to go toward the door, because all I wanted was him gone. And before I reached it, he was grabbing my arm. And I turned around to kind of jerk away from him and I told him to let me go and he just...he hit me.”

 

She laughed a little nervously. “It wouldn’t have been so bad probably, except for the coffee table and the way I came down. I didn’t expect it and it was just… it was so weird because everything sped up and was in slow motion at the same time. He hit me, and he let go of me at the same time and then I was falling. I  remember seeing the corner of the table and kind of thinking that I should put my arms out to stop myself but I couldn’t.

 

“I caught the corner of it with the side of my head and I thought, ‘Wow, that’s probably not good.’  And I hit it way harder than I thought I would, so hard I could hear it. And I bit my tongue, and I could taste the blood in my mouth, and then I was on the floor and I was looking at the carpet and I was wondering how often housekeeping shampooed it and how I was probably going to have one helluva headache. And then I guess I passed out.”   

 

JC’s hand was on her arm, his fingers stroking the skin there very gently. He felt sick to his stomach, and he inhaled and exhaled through his mouth deeply, to suppress the feeling that he might very well vomit.

 

“I wasn’t out long, but when I opened my eyes again I wasn’t on the floor anymore. He’d kind of propped me up on the couch, and I could hear Jazz calling my name and banging on the door, and I was thinking that I was glad she hadn’t gone far.” Casey’s breath hitched. “Tony was shaking me, I think to keep me awake, maybe? And he was saying something in my ear but I couldn’t like, focus on it, even though I could tell he meant it to be very important. Everything was blurry and kind of murky and sounded far away, and I guess I passed out again.”

 

She sat up again and wrapped her arms around her knees, bringing her forehead to rest on them. “Next thing I knew someone was shining a light in my eyes and asking me questions. I tried to move but I was strapped down flat on my back and my head fucking hurt.” She sniffed. “They made me go to the hospital--”

 

“Which is a good thing,” he interjected.

 

“I was fine.” She shrugged.

 

“Really? Because they kept you overnight for observation , which they don’t usually do if you’re fine.”

 

She grimaced. “I had a mild concussion. No big deal.”

 

JC chose not to respond to that. “I asked Jazz about it, too. She, um, she told me about the girl. In the room.”

 

She looked up at him in surprise. “When?”

 

“A few weeks ago.” He blushed and cleared his throat. “After the radio interview Tony did I wanted to know. I thought if I knew more I could maybe help you.”

 

“Jazz raised hell that day, or so I heard." Casey uttered a small, humorless chuckle. She looked down again. “Sure you still want to stick around? I come with a lot of baggage.”

 

JC sat up and put his arm around her, leaning down to her ear. “I already told you I’m not going anywhere. But, baby, don’t you think it’s time you talked to someone about everything?”

 

Head still down, Casey raised her shoulders. “I’m talking to you. Now.”

 

“You know what I mean, honey,” he said gently.

 

“I don’t see what good can come of me rehashing all of this over and over."

 

He rested his head against her shoulder, saying nothing.

 

“If Tony’s book is published, you might have to break up with me. Johnny, Jive...they might not give you a choice.” Casey’s head was still down and her voice was muffled against her knees.

 

JC sat up and blinked. “What?”

 

“I mean, you know, so my image doesn’t negatively reflect on yours.”

 

He stared down for a moment before gently moving her arms from around her legs and lifting her chin so that she could look at him. “No one--not Johnny, not anyone at Jive, no one--can make me break up with you. That’s non-negotiable. I am not going anywhere, and I guess it’ll just take some time for you to believe that. And the book isn’t going to come out anyway, and--”

 

“You don’t know that, JC,” she interrupted.

 

“And even if it does,” he enunciated, pretending like she hadn’t spoken, “then we’ll let the PR folks handle it, because that’s what they get paid for. But I think…” He sighed. “I think it may be a good idea for you to testify, like Dara wants you to. And not just because of the book, but because it’s past time for Tony to be held responsible for what he’s done.”

 

She crossed her arms defiantly and pouted. “I don’t want people to know about how stupid I was.”

 

“Stupid?” he echoed, his face twisted into a grimace of confusion. “He gave you a concussion, Case; how does that make you stupid?”

 

She groaned and rubbed her hands over her face tiredly. “Because it was building up to that, right? And the other stuff will come out. Like what you saw in Orlando when he was shaking me. And people will wonder why I stuck around. And if I knew he was cheating on me, and just generally being an asshole, why didn’t I dump him? Why did I just let him come on tour with me, and not tell anyone what was going on? People will think I’m stupid, and maybe they’ll be right.”

 

He held her face in his hands and felt completely and totally out of his depth. Of course he didn’t think she was stupid, nor did he think any other sane person would. She was systematically manipulated by a man who was older and who probably had a long history of the same. He hated the weariness in her eyes, and the anxiety that she was carrying like a physical weight and he was willing to do or say anything if it meant ridding her of it.

 

“Casey.” The words he wanted to say stuck on his tongue. As much as he wanted to say it, the gravity of the moment told him it wasn’t the time. He sighed, started over. “I’m here. Obviously I mean that literally, right now, but I mean in general. I’m here for you. However you need me. I don’t care who knows or doesn’t know about us. It’s not important to me, OK? The only thing that’s important is that you trust that, that you trust me.”

 

She nodded a little and leaned forward to bring their lips together again. The kiss was gentle and even though he couldn’t yet say the words, he tried to pour every ounce of what he felt for her into the way his mouth moved against hers.

 

Casey laughed then, a watery sound that ended in a sniffle and she pulled away from him. “If you’re trying to seduce me,” she waggled her eyebrows, repeating his words from earlier, “it’s totally working.”

 

***

 

He was behind her, head propped up on one hand, the fingers of his other hand lightly tracing invisible patterns on her back. Her skin was damp and somewhat clammy, which he found arousing considering what they had been doing moments before. Her breathing had slowed and she was still; he began to think she was asleep. He smiled to himself, thinking about how wide awake she had been fifteen minutes ago. And how...vocal. That was one of his favorite things about being with her; she was never shy about telling him exactly how good he was making her feel. Loudly if necessary. And she had told him over and over that evening. She’d also told him over and over how much she missed him. And he echoed the same back to her.

 

After the first time, he’d stared at her, softly caressing her cheek, until she blushed and gotten embarrassed. She’d asked him why he was looking at her that way, and only having words that sounded cheesy and cliched in his head, he didn’t answer. He’d just kissed her until she’d eventually pulled him back on top of her. He made a joke about making up for lost time. And although he was joking, he wasn’t totally joking. Because it had been a week, and although that wasn’t long in the grand scheme of things, seven days without touching her, without talking to her, without even hearing her voice was way longer than he ever wanted to go again, which was kind of a scary thought.

 

Before he had a chance to think about it too deeply, she’d laughed and it tugged at his heart because he loved her laugh and the way it was a cross between a giggle and a chuckle. And then they were making love again, and his thoughts were overwhelmed by the sensations of her all around him.

 

JC kissed her shoulder and brought his lips right up against her ear. “Casey?” he said softly, watching to see if she moved.

 

And her eyelids fluttered and she sighed but didn’t reply.

 

He kissed her skin again, and wrapped his arm around her, pulling her closer. “I love you,” he whispered quietly. He put his head down on the pillow next to hers, and in minutes he was asleep, too.

Chapter End Notes:

the last 2 chapters are songs by sia. check 'em out, if you haven't!



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