The music flows across the room in a soothing beat and it fills the already packed arena from wall to wall. The smooth steady beats carry my feet across the floor on their own and I let my heart open up to the words.
“Never feel alone, never feel there’s no one there who cares for you”
My heart beat picks up with each word and it’s like I can feel the truth behind the words deep in my soul. My heart is longing to fill the void with each step I take across the stage. It’s reaching out to anyone and everyone at this point, for the strength I can’t seem to muster up on my own.
“Never feel ashamed, never feel it’s weak if you should reach for me, I'll be there to set you free.”
My hands quickly push my hair out of my eyes and trickle of sweat falls down the side of my face as the dance continues. My legs are running quickly from one end of the stage to the other before they fall out from underneath me and my body falls gently to the floor. The crowd continues to yell in excitement but I feel myself getting so lost in the song that it’s like no one is even around. My arms reach down and lift me up in one swift, fluid movement.
“I'll give you love, I'll lift you up, I'm the one who'll be around if it all falls down.”
My heart is connecting almost instantly to the words and it’s screaming for someone to hear me, for someone to be there when I break. As I let myself continue to get lost in the excitement the lights suddenly go on and the arena comes into full view. There’s not one person in the stands…there’s no screaming…there’s no cheering…it’s dead silent. My head snaps around trying to figure out what the hell is going on when a cold voice comes over the speakers.
“Your entire life has been a lie…”
My eyes shoot open and my chest is heaving trying to catch my breath. The bright lights of the outside world are shining through the windows and I let my head fall back onto the pillow. “Fucking nightmares!”
I unravel myself from the blankets and make the short walk into the bathroom. I turn the sink on and a light stream of water falls onto my hands. I splash some water onto my face and try to erase the nightmare that is still fresh in my mind. Lately, they’ve been coming more and more frequent and it’s starting to really eat at my sanity. They’re affecting me both off the stage and on. I’m having a hard time getting any quality sleep because of the fear of another nightmare and my body is becoming exhausted from all of the shows. I feel myself starting to unravel little by little and it’s something I’ve never dealt with before.
After running a towel across my face and collecting all of my thoughts, I head back to the front of the bus. I barely even get to the couch before my phone starts vibrating against the table. Reaching down, I quickly grab it and flip it open.
“Hello?” I say before folding one of my legs underneath me and taking a spot in the corner.
“Good morning Addi…” He says almost too cheerfully.
“Mmhhmm…” Somehow it doesn’t feel like such good morning.
“Did I wake you up?”
“No…I just didn’t sleep well last night…that’s all.” I say trying my best to hide my uneasiness.
“Oh…well I have a favor to ask of you.”
My eyes immediately eye the passing scenery and I try to keep my attention on the conversation. “All right…what is it?”
“Johnny actually booked me for a Fashion show that’s going to be broadcasted in a couple weeks. So…I’m going to be performing two songs and since I don’t need the full line-up of dancers…I was wondering if you would like to perform with Me, Marty and Nikki.”
My eyes immediately widen and the excitement starts to sink in. “Yeah definitely…”
“Great…we’re going to rehearse tonight since we don’t have a show. When we get to the next arena…everyone’s coming to my bus to get all the details. See you then?” He asks.
I let out a sigh and hope that I can put these nightmares behind me and get back to the one thing that is always there for me…dance. “Yeah…sounds good.” I say before hanging up the phone and letting myself get lost in the world outside these walls.
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I knew Johnny would be adding some performances and appearances during this tour but I’m still bummed that it happens to be the weekend that Jess is coming to visit. It’s been almost a month since we’ve seen each other between getting ready for the tour and her busy shooting schedule…we just haven’t had the time. But this fashion show is important in terms of the audience and also to make some connections for William Rast.
It’s already seven o’clock in the evening when we finally roll into the arena and it’s almost instant chaos outside with the entire crew unloading the busses and getting everything inside. Quickly, I throw on a pair of rip-away’s and a sweatshirt for rehearsal before my bus starts to fill with people. Marty is first to get on and is already talking about what songs we should perform and how to tailor the routine for such a small amount of dancers. One of the best things I ever did was adding my choreographer as a dancer; he always wants to tweak routines and add new flavors. He keeps us all on our toes. Soon to follow was Nikki, Johnny and Addison wasn’t far behind.
“So…because you three are here…I assume Justin has asked you all to be a part of this performance?” Johnny asked while everyone grabbed a spot on the couch, chairs and floor.
Everyone seemed to nod their head in understanding and Johnny continued. “Well…the performance is set for 7pm on Saturday in New York. You will all catch a flight up there that morning and then board another one to meet back up with the rest of the tour afterwards.”
Everyone’s eyes were focused on Johnny as he spoke. “Justin…you’ll be singing two songs and I assume you and Marty will work out the specific elements to the performance.”
I stop my leg from bobbing up and down before glancing in Marty’s direction. “Yeah…we’ll take care of that.”
Johnny nodded his head before continuing. “Sounds good…well we’ve blocked a studio for you four to go rehearse in for the night. Please keep in mind that you only have four days to get ready and a concert still to do in that time frame…I don’t need to stress the importance of this performance.”
“We got it Johnny…don’t worry…” Marty spoke up and everyone seemed to relax when Johnny smiled.
“I know you guys will kill it…but I have to get going and I’ll leave you all to rehearsal…Justin you remember where the studio is?” Johnny asks before stopping on the steps to get off the bus.
“Yeah…I remember.”
“Good luck everyone…” Johnny wishes before departing the bus and leaving the four of us alone.
Everyone’s eyes suddenly shift to me and I know that this show is going to be great. Marty and Nikki look like they can’t wait to get started but something’s different with Addison…usually there’s a fire or a spark around her but tonight she looks exhausted.
“Well…let’s get going…the studio is right down the street.” I say and we all make our way off the bus. The four of us fall into an easy rhythm out of the arena but I reach out to grab Addison’s arm and pull her back away from Marty and Nikki.
“Are you ok?” I ask with concern clearly in my voice.
She tries her best to put on a smile and reassure me but I can tell something is haunting her. “I’m fine…” Quickly, she wriggles from my grasp and throws her hoddie up over her long hair. It’s acting as a shield for her but I know something is really wrong.
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It’s nearing one in the morning and my whole body is practically dripping with sweat. My legs feel like their on fire and my arms feel like jell-o. We’ve been rehearsing for hours and my body is screaming at me to let it rest. Justin continues to push us all forward further and further into the routine, stopping only to correct a mistake.
My t-shirt is now glued to my body and it’s hard not to pull at the fabric. Justin eyes the three of us and for the first time tonight notices the tired looks and the heaving chests. When he finally stops, a deep rolling laughter soon fills the room and we all turn to look at him like he’s crazy.
“You guys look miserable…” He says while clutching his stomach and trying not to burst out anymore. “Let’s call it a night…we should probably get some sleep because we have a show tomorrow night.”
Marty and Nikki fall to the ground in heap of arms and legs. Their chests are rising and falling rapidly and instead of joining the party…I grab my bag and throw my sweatshirt over my head. Justin quickly gathers everything up and soon we’re all heading back to the arena to catch a bus back to the hotel.
Justin casually starts walking alongside of me and I try my best to avoid his eyes. Even though their practically burning a whole into the side of my head. I run my hand up into my hair and push it off my shoulders. I turn away from him and try to quicken my pace to catch up to Marty and Nikki but Justin seems to be onto my game.
“Addison…wait up…” He calls and I can feel my body tighten at his words.
“What?” I ask almost too quiet because Justin leans in to hear me better.
“Is everything ok? You look like you haven’t slept in days…what’s going on?”
I take a deep breath and hold back the tears that are stinging the back of my eyes. Lately, I don’t know what’s going on with me. I can’t seem to shake the nightmares at night and I fear them throughout the day that I will soon have to succumb to them again in the night. It’s like I can’t get away from them because the pain they bring is real. It doesn’t matter that they’re just a dream…the feelings they evoke are one hundred percent real. The anger, fear, rejection and sadness are so real that I can feel them from the bottom of my soul.
“I’m fine Justin…just tired tonight…” I say trying to put on a brave front.
Justin reaches for my hand and spins me to look at him. His eyes are boring into me and I can’t seem to break his gaze and I know my eyes tell a different story. “Talk to me Addi…” He pleads.
I swallow a lump in my throat because he’s doing everything he can to get me to open up and I still feel myself clamming up. My heart is screaming to just tell him maybe the nightmares will stop, maybe if I let him in, maybe if I let him be a friend, things will be different. But my head is screaming that it’s a crazy and stupid idea to think that Justin Timberlake is going to be my savior; that he is going to be the one to heal my shattered heart and take some of this pain away.
How can I possibly say the words to make him understand the pain that I go through everyday. To explain the jealousy that courses through my veins when I see his mom and him interacting in such a loving and protective way. I can’t possibly bear to see the look of pity in his eyes if I told him my story…to see his eyes stare at me with a sense of disappointment. That alone would be worse than the nightmares at night.
I take a breath and tell myself to suck it up. Pushing back the tears that are threatening to fall from my eyes, I pull my hand out of his grasp. “I’m fine Justin…leave it alone…you’ll never understand.”
And as quickly as I turned away…the tears spilled over my eyes.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Hey Everyone!!! First, thank you all so much for your reviews...they mean so much to me!! I hope you like the next update!! Enjoy!!
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