Author's Chapter Notes:
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I don’t believe her…I don’t care what she says or how brave she’s trying to be…there’s something wrong and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let one of my friends wallow in pain. Her eyes are sunken in and the dark circles underneath are taking over their normal blue sparkle. She looks miserable, exhausted, sad and fearful but no matter how hard I try she puts on that fake smile and pulls away. I’m through with that…I’m done playing this cat and mouse game with her. She’s just a shell of the girl I remember…

It’s only a matter of minutes until we reach the arena and are quickly being rushed into the van to take us back to the hotel. Swiftly, Marty and Nikki grab a spot next to each other and practically entangle themselves in a mess of arms and legs, trying desperately to catch some shut eye. Addison’s hoodie is completely shielding herself in the back seat and I cautiously grab the spot next to her.

Her hands come to rest quietly on her legs and her body shifts towards the window. That simple gesture pulls at my heart because she’s retreating so deep into her protective shell…I wonder if I’ll ever be able to get her to see that I don’t mean any harm. I just want to help her…to understand…to listen…to be her friend.

Cautiously, I lay my hand on top of her much smaller one and to my surprise she doesn’t pull away from my touch. She merely accepts my gesture as a way to reach out to her and it lets me know that maybe she’s not as tough as she’s trying to be. The rest of the ride is made in complete silence other than the occasional snore that rumbles out of Marty. Sneaking a couple looks in Addison’s direction, I try desperately to get a feel for what she’s going through but her face is completely covered. But it doesn’t stop me from analyzing how her hair peaks out from underneath the material and the soft curve of her shoulders down to the way my hand is resting protectively over hers. A small smile twitches at my lips and a huge wave of protectiveness flows over me. I’ve never known someone to be as closed off to people as she portrays but the few times that I’ve seen the tears and felt the sorrow in her words let’s me know that she hasn’t closed off her emotions yet. But that doesn’t mean that she isn’t well on her way there. I say a silent pray before the van pulls into the hotel for Addison…for whatever demons she holds so close to her heart and for whatever pain she’s allowing to take over her life.

My security detail unloads all of the bags and immediately the four of us trudge down the hallway towards our rooms. Nikki and Marty are first to their rooms and the exhaustion felt by all doesn’t even allow us to say goodnight, with a mere nod and a wave…they quickly open their doors and disappear inside.

The comfortable silence that existed before in the hall is quick to be replaced with one of awkwardness and tension. Addison’s eyes slowly rise to meet mine in a brief understanding and she turns to head to her room. I can tell that she’s trying her hardest to get out of this situation in the least uncomfortable way as possible. But I’m tired of just sitting on the side and watching her sink further and further into herself. I can’t stand to watch someone who I was once friends with fall apart seam by seam.


“Addi…”

Her head snaps around once my voice breaks our silence and her hand lingers on the door to her room. She hesitates to turn the knob and turns to look at me head on. I suck in a breath of air and notice for the first time the tears threatening to fall and the stains on her cheeks from the ones that have already managed that task. The pain radiating out of her eyes is almost enough to bring me to my knees.

Slowly, I walk up to her and reach for her hand. “Please talk to me Addison…”

Her breathing is shallow and she looks like she’s fighting so many demons inside. Nervously, she starts to chew on her bottom lip and she brushes away the tears that are starting to fall. I haven’t seen Addison break down like this since…well…never. But this girl is almost completely shattered and void of anything other than hurt.

“I…I…I can’t…” She stutters just barely above a whisper and turns the handle to open her door.

Before she can close the door to her room, I give one last try to reach her. “Addison…give me a chance to be your friend…to be that kid you remember from Memphis…just trust me.”

Her eyes cloud over the minute I mention Memphis and her hand steadies on the door. She looks around the room and then back to where I’m standing in the hall before nodding her head and allowing me into her room. Addison is quick to claim a spot as far away from me on the couch and tuck her legs close to her body.

I warily step further into her room and sit down on the side opposite of her. Looking over, I see her legs pulled so close that their acting as a shield from me, my eyes and more importantly my words. I don’t even know where to begin because I’m already treading in deep water as it is. It was a fight just to get her to let me into the room let alone pour out her soul. Whatever I do, I need to be careful not to push her and force her further away from me.

“Are you just going to stare at me the whole night…because you said it yourself…I haven’t slept in days and right now I could be sleeping…” She says lifting her head from her knees.

A smile overtakes my face because it’s the first time I’ve seen any kind of spunk from her today. “As much as I think you need to get some sleep…I’m not buying your ploy to get me to leave. You know as well as I do that you’re not going to fall into a peaceful slumber the minute I leave the room.

Her eyebrows rise with each word and the truth behind them registers on her face.

“What’s going on with you…”

She contemplates my question and it’s clear that she’s fighting with herself whether to tell me the truth or to push me away. But I don’t give her the chance to choose.

“Why won’t you let me in Addi…what’s so terrible about letting me in?”

She looks deep in thought and I start to wonder whether she heard me before finally speaking. “Because I don’t know how to Justin…”

“Just tell me what’s going on with you…” I push and the minute the words flow out of my mouth I regret them.

Addison looks at me with a hardened glare and her tone is one of anger. “It’s not that easy Justin…I’ve never talked to anyone about this before. I can’t just sit down her and have a heart to heart and that’s going to be the end of it. It’s not that simple…”

My eyes soften and I scoot closer towards her. “I’m sorry Addi…I didn’t mean to sound completely insensitive. I realize whatever is going on with you is something big and it’s certainly not something that can be solved in one conversation. But I can promise you one thing, if you let me try, I will do whatever it takes to help you figure this all out.”

“Why the sudden interest in my life Justin? What’s in it for you?” Addison asks skeptically.

“There’s nothing in it for me. I just can’t stand to watch someone who I once knew so well, be so completely different…”

Addison raises a hand to her hair and tucks a loose strand behind her ear. “There’s so much about me Justin that has changed. I’m nothing like the girl you remember…that girl is such a distant memory.”

Gently, I reach over and let my fingers intertwine with a few of hers. She stiffens at first to my touch but soon I can feel her body relax. “What’s so wrong with being that girl again, Addison?”

“That girl was weak…she was so lost in her perfect little world that she was blind to what was really going on around her.” Addison states and there’s a hint of disgust in her voice. “I was so stupid…so naïve.”

The confusion is clouding my head and I’m trying so hard to cut through it. Addison is finally opening up to me and as much as I want to push her to talk…she needs to get this out on her own. She needs to do it on her own terms and she needs to open up to me because that’s what SHE wants.

“I’m scared to death to let you in Justin…scared of what you might think…for the look of pity that I know will soon come with it whenever you look at me…” She raises her head up over her knees and wipes the remnants of tears left on her cheeks. With her voice barely above a whisper she says something I never imagined she would. “I’m scared that you’ll hurt me too…because the people I trust most in my life always find a way to do that…”

My throat goes dry and I feel like someone has punched me in the stomach. “What makes you think I would ever hurt you Addison…why would I hurt someone I care about?”

“It never stopped anyone before from tearing my world apart…why would you be any different?”

I try not to let that comment get a reaction but part of me is angry that she easily bunches me with whoever has caused her so much pain. “Because I am not them…”

Those five words seem to hit home with her and it looks like her head is reeling. The anger seems to be diminishing from her face and the painful expression is back to overtaking the normal sparkle in her eyes. “You’ll never be able to understand it Justin…never…my whole life is something you’ll never have to deal with. You don’t know how lucky you are.”

“Help me understand then Addi…”

The tears are starting to brim her eyes and her chin start to tremble. “Have you ever been hurt so deep that it felt like your world is crumbling? That you’re struggling to just breathe, let alone live your life like nothing’s changed. Has your heart ever felt like someone shot a bullet in it and no matter how hard you try you can’t feel anything but the pain?”

Her description makes my stomach start to churn and the only recollection I have of feeling like my life was falling down around me was the break-up with Britney. But I can see and feel that Addison’s problems are so much bigger than a break-up. “No, I haven’t…” I whisper.

The tears are falling softly against her cheeks and a blush has creped into her face. She looks so small sitting next to me. “That’s how I feel everyday of my life Justin…that pain I feel is something so real that it is now haunting my dreams. The minute I allow myself to forget and fall asleep…the quicker it rears its ugly head and reminds me. There’s no escape from it…I don’t know what to do anymore…I’m exhausted.”

The tears are falling faster and cries are turning into sobs. Her small frame shakes in pain and fear and I grasp onto her hand. Gently, I pull her towards me and let her body fall into mine. Protectively, I wrap my arms around her and she grabs onto my shirt as tight as she possibly could. She hides her head into the crook of my neck and I soothingly stroke her air. “I’m so sorry Addison…” I repeat over and over, trying to reassure her that I heard every ounce of her words in my soul.

Her words, her eyes, the tears, the pain…it was all so real and so overwhelming. I never knew of the pain she carried and I still don’t understand where it comes from or why she holds it so close to her heart. But tonight gave me a whole new sense of who Addison has become and how desperately she needs a friend. The urge to protect her was so strong that it even started to scare me.

I repositioned myself and leaned back onto the couch, pulling Addison closer to me, letting her lean into my side. Comfortingly, I stroked her back and whispered words of safety and she let herself finally relax for the first time tonight. Her tears stopped and her breathing deepened and I knew for the first time in a long time she was going to get the rest she needed…Me, on the other hand…I was in for a long night.


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