My body is tingling from exertion and my shirt is practically glued to my chest from the sweat. The music continues to pound through my head and the room. I’ve been at the studio since five o’clock this morning, rehearsing and perfecting my choreography. This opportunity to dance solo, in front of thousands of people each night is something I’ve dreamt about since I first started dancing. From my first dance class till now, this has been what I’ve been working for and to think Justin would be the one to make it all happen. Who would’ve ever guessed that this nerdy kid from middle school would one day hand me one of my dreams? Not that I’d ever tell him any of this, I mean his head doesn’t need to get any bigger than it already is.
Rehearsals start at one o’clock and that time is quickly approaching. I’m not going to lie, the idea of dancing something so personal scares me but at the same time, it’s real. Isn’t that what everybody’s looking for anyways? Someone to be real with them, to be honest and to be open all of the time. Hell, no one has ever given me that before. I can’t even say that I live my life that way, but dance does something different to me. It opens me up and it cracks my walls. That’s kind of a dangerous thing because my entire existence has been my ability to close out emotion.
So why do something that I know will open up a part of me that I close off? Why put myself in a position to be vulnerable? I don’t even have a concrete answer to that. I think it’s a pride thing. I’m always pushing myself to do something bigger and better than the last. I haven’t pushed myself in this direction and I feel like I need to explore a different side of dance. I need to prove that I can do this and still hold it all together.
From the song, to the choreography, to the feelings behind the movement; it’s the first time I’m really opening myself up. This dance, the emotion and the story I’m telling; it is about something I’ve never had but wanted. Realizing that the whole song is about having someone there to watch over you, to keep you safe and to love you regardless; strikes a chord with me. Ever since I found out I was adopted, my whole life has felt like a lie, like a secret. The people I counted on for that protection, for that love and for that honesty, let me down in the biggest way possible. For a majority of my life, I believed wholeheartedly that I belonged somewhere and that I was part of a family. I gave unconditional love and I put all my trust in them without any hesitation. I never imagined that my life would turn out to be a lie. That everything I ever believed in would come back to hurt me in the deepest way possible. No one can ever understand the pain that I feel, to realize that a love you never questioned can be ripped out from underneath you in the blink of an eye. It’s a pain that I mask everyday of my life and it’s a pain the slowly eats away at me from within.
I realize that performing this each night is going to be difficult and it’s going to test me. But getting through it and standing tall at the end of it all, proves that maybe I don’t need someone there. Maybe, I can make it through this world without someone to catch me if I fall.
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After spending all day yesterday meeting with each of my dancers, I can’t wait to see what they come up with today. I realize how close I’m cutting this, but I really feel that the intermission will be a huge standout and an innovative way for each of them to gain that recognition they all deserve. One of the biggest challenges I face with this new section is being able to blend all of their ideas and transition the show through them. But if it means I get a little less sleep leading up to the tour, then that’s how it’s got to be.
Parking my car outside the dance studio, I throw a sweatshirt over my head and make my way inside, knowing my dancers are already here and ready to get started. The energy and excitement in the room is palpable, the minute I step through the doors. My eyes quickly scan the room before landing on Johnny whose busy talking on his cell phone. He motions for me to come over with his hand and ends his conversation just as I approach him. Briefly, we shake hands and go through the normal small talk before deciding we better start the rehearsals.
“Hey everyone…there’s a lot we need to get through and I think we should probably get started. It doesn’t matter who goes first right now because Kevin and I are going to work out the order based on the best transitions.” I explain and everyone nods their head. “I’m looking forward to all of your dances…so let’s get started.” I say before everyone starts to scatter and left on the floor is Marty.
Marty is one of the biggest creative forces behind this Future Sex/Love Show so I already know his dance is going to be hot. I take a seat next to Johnny and Kevin just as the music to “Go Getta” pounds through the speakers. Leave it to Marty to bring a true hip-hop routine to the stage. I relax into my chair and soon realize this is probably the best thing I could do creativity wise to bring a whole new element to my show.
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The rehearsals have been going on for over two hours now and everyone’s gone except for me. Waiting here the whole time has been the most nerve-wracking thing because I can feel my stomach churn with each second that passes. My heart is beating so loud, I’m surprised it’s not overpowering the music coming from the speakers.
Methodically, Justin’s sat in that chair as each dancer goes and whispers back and forth with Johnny and Kevin. After each dance, he throws his two cents in which usually sounds like “That was awesome”…or…”it was great”, but my favorite is…”damn, that was hot.” Rolling my eyes at his antics, I stretch my legs out before getting ready to go.
I’m mentally preparing myself for what’s about to come and I can feel myself trying to put those walls up. I start to close myself off to my surroundings and I almost don’t hear Justin call me to the front. Walking to the middle of the floor, I feel everyone’s eyes practically burn through my skin and I try to shake their stares. If I can’t handle a small audience like this, how in the hell could I do this in front of thousands each night?
“Are you ready to go, Addison?” He calmly asks.
“Yeah, I’m ready…” I answer before taking a deep breath and bowing my head slightly to the right.
Soon, the whimsical sounds of “You’ll be in my Heart” flutter through the speakers and my nerves suddenly slide away. I let the music flow through my body and for just this moment it fills me with a sense encouragement and safety. My legs glide effortlessly across the floor and my arms rise to tell my story. The one story that I’ve kept locked deep inside my heart. My body loosens as I run through the routine and in turn my emotions are rising to the surface. As I continue dancing, I can feel the tears stinging the back of my eyes and I fight to push them away. I can’t cry now, I’m doing this for the girl inside that wants nothing more than to be loved unconditionally, to be protected at all times and to be watched over when times are rough.
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Ever since Addison pitched her idea, I’ve been waiting to see her choreography. I expected something great what I didn’t bargain on was something amazing. Her choreography told a story with so much passion that everyone in the room could feel the emotion. Looking around the room, there’s not a dry eye in the place except for Addison. She’s sitting on the ground with her legs tucked close to her body as the music faded into the background. I don’t know whether to clap or to wrap my arms around her protectively.
Slowly, I stand up and walk cautiously over to her slumped frame. Cautiously, I reach my hands out towards her and let them rest on her arms. The minute my hands make contact with her body, it’s as if a light switch went off and she retracted further into herself.
“Addison…that was beautiful…” I say softly, the emotion of it all still evident in my voice.
But the minute my voice breaks her reverie, I can feel her muscles tighten and the walls around her quickly being put back up. She closes herself off so fast that I don’t even have time to react. Before she lifts herself up off the ground, she looks at me with those blue eyes and I feel a sense of hopelessness pour over me. How do you tell someone that it’s going to be ok, when you really don’t know, yourself?
Addison swiftly shakes free of my hands and her arms fold into her sides as if shielding herself from everyone’s gaze. I stand up so that I’m eye level once again with her and force her to look directly into my eyes. I want her to fully understand the impact that her dance had on myself and everyone included.
“That was amazing, honest, and heartfelt and touching all rolled into one. I really don’t know what else to say, Addison, other than it was beautiful.”
Shyly, she breaks the eye contact and brushes off my comments as if I’m talking about the weather. “It wasn’t any better than anyone else’s.” She responds before turning to walk back towards the other dancers.
I reach out and grab her arm, pulling her closer and away from earshot of anyone else. “It was insightful and courageous, Addi.” I whisper her nickname from when we were little kids and it seems to get her attention. “What happened to you all those years ago?” I ask while holding her gaze.
Her eyes practically cloud over and anger rises from deep within. “Don’t concern yourself with something you’ll never understand, Justin.” She says coldly, before wiggling free from my grasp and walking away from me. It takes a strong person to put yourself out there and even stronger person to do it night after night. I don’t care what she says, after that; I need to understand Addison now more than ever.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Hey Everyone!! First, thank you all so much for the reviews and sticking with me through this!! I hope you all enjoy this next chapter...it's a little insight to Addison :) Enjoy!!
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