When you’re safe inside your room you tend to dream
Of a place where nothing’s harder than it seems
No one ever wants or bothers to explain
Of the heartache life can bring and what it means
When there’s no one else, look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend just trust the voice within
Then you’ll find the strength that will guide your way
You’ll learn to begin to trust the voice within
-Christina Aguilera “The Voice Within”
It’s finally opening night of Justin’s new and improved Future Sex/Love Show and backstage is alive and buzzing with people. The energy in the arena can be felt by all and I’m trying to stay calm amongst the hundreds running around with their heads cut off. I’m almost completely in my costume when the stage manager yells that we’re a half hour from show time. Rolling my eyes at his countdown, I resume getting dressed. I’ve been in this position several times prior and I know the only way to have a good show is just to be relaxed.
After lacing up my heels, I stand up and walk out of the dressing room in search of some solitude. Tonight’s the night, I’ll be debuting my solo dance in front of thousands and that part has my stomach in knots. After performing everything in front of the other dancers and Justin, I didn’t expect that it would feel liberating and terrible all in the same breath. I don’t regret my decision to perform this but I regret opening myself up to their watchful eyes. Prior to all this, I was just another dancer on the tour and no one really cared a whole hell of a lot about my life. Not that I can really complain, I like to keep my life my own business but now I feel as if everyone’s watching and wondering if I’ll break. I’m not made of glass and surely this dance is not going to get the best of me.
Rounding the corner of another hallway, I make my way towards an emergency exit. I nod my head at a security guard and he opens the door to let me out. The cool air immediately hits my face and eases my nerves slightly. The wind sends a chill up my spine and I wrap my arms around myself, trying to stay warm. I suppose I could’ve grabbed a jacket before coming out here but I was more interested in getting five minutes alone to just be alone.
Walking further away from the door, I approach a ledge overlooking the city. Letting my hands rest on the cool concrete, I take a deep breath. Tonight’s show is important to me, just to prove to everyone that I’m not going to fall, I’m not going to break. I have it in me to do this. I’m tired of everyone looking at me with these helpless eyes…why do people think I’m this sad, lost puppy? Even Justin looks at me that way. I mean come on; I’m not going to fall to my knees and just cry. I’m stronger than that…I’m better than that.
Realizing that show time is quickly approaching, I take one last breath of fresh air and turn to head back inside. I knock softly at the door and it pops open almost instantly. I smile politely at the man guarding the door before making my way back to the dressing rooms. As I approach all the other dancers, the continuous buzz is still alive despite my best efforts to isolate myself. The stage manager rounds the corner and gathers us all in one big circle. He’s spouting off words of encouragement and something catches my eye, halfway down the hall. I strain to look around everyone, only to see Justin standing there with his mom, Lynn. She smiles broadly at him before enveloping him in a hug that only a mother can and I can’t stop the tug at my heart. The rush of tears stings the back of my eyes and I foolishly turn away. What the hell is wrong with me?
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Nothing means more to me than having my mother always being there to support me; to love me unconditionally and never let me stray down the wrong path. She’s a constant source of guidance and has no problem putting me directly in my place. In this business and the limelight that follows, you need someone like that. I don’t think my career would be half of what it is today, if it wasn’t for her. So knowing that she’s here, to see the show take on a whole new life, means more to me than she could ever realize.
Knowing that show time is less than five minutes away, I say my goodbyes and head towards the rest of my crew. It’s time to get into that moment and only these people understand what it takes to put on a show. Quickly, I make the walk towards my stage manager, Tim and the rest of my dancers. He’s busy rallying everyone around him but someone clearly stands out, maybe it’s the fact that she’s starring directly in my direction. A small smile curls off my lip and I nod my head towards Addison before joining everyone in their circle.
“Tonight is the night that everyone’s been working towards. It’s time to get the Future Sex/Love Show back on the road and to show everyone here tonight what a great team we have…” Tim said enthusiastically. “Justin…do you want to add anything?” He asks and everyone’s eyes turn in my direction.
“Just that I’m really proud of each and every one of you guys. This tour means a lot to me and I know it wouldn’t be what it is today without all of your help. Let’s have a great show!!” I say and cheers can be heard throughout the hallway.
Quickly, the mass of people scatter and my dancers start making their way through the hallways to the center of the stage. I fall behind everyone and just take a moment to appreciate this, this moment, it’s everything I’ve been working towards…it’s finally the culmination of everyone’s dedication and hard-work.
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The last three hours seem to have flown by in a daze and I can’t even remember going through the entire show. It’s like my life was in fast forward and now someone suddenly hit the play button and everything’s crashing into my senses all at once. I barely even remember my solo dance during the intermission, I feel like I’ve been on auto-pilot. It’s probably the strangest feeling I’ve ever had after a performance. Never have I done a show and not remember each part like it was a part of my soul. I seemed to have blocked out the entire memory and I can’t decide if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.
As I try to take a deep breath, I feel my costume constricting against my chest and the sudden throbbing in my feet from these heels, quickly becomes apparent. I realize I need to get the hell out of these clothes as soon as possible. I don’t have time to psycho-analyze my feelings because the backstage area is even more alive than it was prior to the show and people are making their rounds with congratulatory hugs. No offense, but I have never been one to enjoy random people holding me flush against their bodies. In fact, it kind of freaks me out.
Ducking away from the entire group of people, I make my way towards the dressing rooms in search of my bags. I’m able to avoid the rush of people that flood in Justin’s direction, once he gets backstage and a part of me wants to look back and see what he thought of the show, but I quickly shake that idea off and round the final corner. I nod at the security staff and they barely crack a smile as I gather my things and head in the direction of the busses. Damn, does my iPod and sweatpants sound amazing right now and with that thought, my pace quickens.
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I know this is going to sound awful, but hear me out. The best thing that could’ve happened for the Future Sex/Love Show was Krystal breaking her ankle and us having to postpone the tour to find another dancer. Not only did I get a phenomenal dancer in Addison, but I had time to revamp so many sections to the tour and it brought it to a whole other level. This show just re-affirms every idea and change I made was in the best interest of the show. I’m so proud of everyone here tonight. Everything came together and meshed so well that I’m already looking forward to the next stop.
It’s over an hour since the show ended and I’m finally making my way out to the busses, after getting everyone’s congratulations and praise. The entire tour, dancers, managers, security and props have already left, except for me and my security. Swiftly, I get onto my bus and throw myself onto the couch, stretching out on the cushions. Suddenly, the door to my bus closes and the wheels abruptly jerk forward. A rush of air escapes my lips and I can feel my body already relaxing. All of the anticipation and anxiety for tonight is gone and I’m starting to give into sleep. Before letting myself slide into oblivion, I realize that out of everyone I talked to tonight…I didn’t see Addison.
That little fact seems to be eating at me and I’m worrying that maybe she’s regretting her whole decision to join my tour. I know I’m acting like a girl and rolling one idea into the next but I’m chalking it up to the feeling of exhaustion right now. Realizing that I might not get any sleep, I reach into my pocket and pull out my cell phone.
“Hello?” A groggy voice comes over the line.
A small smile plays at my lips, once I realize that she’s fine and she’s just tired. “Hey…I didn’t see you after the show…”
I can hear the deep breathing of sleep as she answers me. “I was tired and went back to my bus right away.”
“Oh…well what’d you think of the show?”
“To be honest Justin, I don’t really remember it…it’s kind of a blur in my memory.” She says before a yawn escapes.
A hint of confusion washes over me because that was the last thing I thought I’d hear but it’s Addison and usually whatever I think, I’m wrong anyways. “All right…well I’ll let you get some sleep…I’ll see ya at the next stop.”
“Ok…night Justin.” She says before the line goes dead and I can’t help but wonder what she really thought of the show. Oh well…I’ll find out at the next stop right now all I can think about is giving into sleep and with that thought my eyes flutter close.
Author's Chapter Notes:
(Hangs head in shame...) I finally got this update out. I know I suck but I'm really pushing myself to write and I hope you're all still enjoying the story. I appreciate all of your reviews so thank you!! Enjoy! :)
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