If I Never Knew You by CarleeAK

Author's Notes:

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Chapter One

September 2002

**********

Lance tried to concentrate on the contract in front of him, but it was next to impossible with Joey and Justin harassing each other over his head and the bus hitting a pothole every two seconds.

“Hey, Lance, you should’ve seen that chick turn Joey down last night. It was great. A total brush-off.�

“Justin, I did see it. I was at the club too, remember?�

Justin continued as if Lance hadn’t spoken. “Then, when he tried to score with the red-head-�

“I was THERE! Remember? You barged into my room last night and dragged me out?�

Justin scratched his head, trying to remember. “Hmm. Maybe I pre-partied a little too hard.�

“Ya think?� Joey asked as he tossed a bottle of water at Justin’s head. He caught it expertly, grinning.

“Hey, I got it from your room.� Justin shrugged. “You had enough in there…�

“Yeah, cause I knew you would be raiding it,� Joey answered as he grabbed a Pop Tart from JC’s closet, flipping it behind his back as he leaned against the kitchen counter. Lance didn’t understand how either of their reflexes could be this good after last night. Lord knew, they’d had more to drink than he had, and his eyes were hurting and his stomach was ready to throw up the coffee he’d gulped down this morning. But Joey sat there, devouring his blueberry Pop Tart, while Justin shoveled in spoonfuls of some sugar-smothered cereal.

“Oh, please. By the way, you missed Joey getting freaky with the stuffed bear that someone threw at his head as we were leaving. Course, that was all the action that Joey’s gotten in a long time…�

Giving up, Lance threw down his pen. “I didn’t miss anything, trust me. I was in the car when he did that.�

“Oh, yeah, I keep forgetting that.� Lance rolled his eyes.

“Hey, you were the one getting off by watching it,� Joey smirked. Justin’s eyes widened and he grabbed an apple off the table in front of him. He threw it at Joey, aiming for his forehead, but as the bus pulled into a gas station his aim was thrown off and it smacked into Joey’s chest before falling to the floor and rolling under the cupboards. Joey picked it up off the floor and grabbed a knife. He flipped the knife expertly before cutting into the apple.

“You can’t deny it…� Joey sang around the chunk of apple as he shook his knife at Justin.

“Yes, I can. Lance, if you had been there, you would KNOW that…�

“I’m surrounded by idiots,� Lance groaned, rolling his eyes and sinking down into the kitchen table booth.

Justin and Joey both looked at him and grinned. “Someone’s been watching The Lion King again!� Joey shouted gleefully. Lance felt his face burn.

“He only does it after a REALLY rough night,� Justin laughed. “So THAT’S what you were watching when I came to wake you up this morning! I knew something was up when you turned off the TV as soon as I walked in!�

Chris chose this moment to climb onto the bus, and having missed the entire context of the conversation… “Lance! You were watching porn?!�

“No, I-� Lance sat up as Chris pretended to have a heart attack.

“Oh…my…gosh….Innocent little Mississippi boy…What would the fans say?� he croaked out each word as he fell onto the pathway floor, ‘dead.’

“I ain’t doing CPR!� Justin protested, holding up his hands.

“Oh, hell no! Not me,� Joey stated. “You’re the one who would get off on that boy on boy stuff anyway, Justin,� he smirked. Justin rolled his eyes and looked at Lance. Joey also turned towards the blonde boy.

“Don’t look at me,� Lance shook his head.

“You are the one who killed him,� Joey pointed out, grinning as Lance turned red again.

“I was NOT watching porn!� Lance protested.

Another person entered the bus. “Lance was watching porn?� Mike, one of their bodyguards, asked. Justin and Joey busted up again. Mike glanced at the floor. “Is that why Chris is dead?� He looked to Joey for answers as he stepped over the prone Chris.

“Yup. You have to do the CPR, by the way. We all called not-it.�

“It could have been his old age,� Justin added thoughtfully, glancing down at the popstar on the floor. Chris opened one eye and glared at him.

“Well,� he huffed, hopping up and brushing off his clothes. “It’s nice to know who your REAL friends are.�

So said, he jumped on the big bodyguard’s back. “Mike, you would have done CPR, wouldn’t you.� It wasn’t a question as Chris hung onto Mike’s neck and peeked around.

Mike gave him a look before throwing him off his back and onto the couch. “Hey, I’ll save you from teenies, and your own stupidity, but CPR? Uh-uh.�

A sleepy, yawning JC walked out of his bedroom in the back of the bus. He blinked as he took in the scene before him, all four of his bandmates and a bodyguard on his bus. “Why do I feel like I just stepped back in time and landed on our first tour bus?�

“No, that would require turning you back into Caesar, Joey into the Italian Stallion, we’d have to buy Chris’ braids back from e-bay, and give Justin a bottle of bleach,� Lance said sarcastically.

“Hey, don’t forget yourself. You’d have to become the original Eminem again!� Joey rolled his eyes, still crunching on his apple.

“Yeah!� Justin added. “Talk about a bottle of bleach…�

“Hey, C, I know you would do CPR on me if I ever keeled over!� Chris shouted as he jumped from the couch onto the passing JC’s back.

“I know you’re old, but isn’t it still just a LITTLE early for that?� JC asked, as he tried to pry Chris’ arms from the death grip around his neck.

“Yeah, you’re only four years younger than me! Remember that, Caesar!�

JC rolled his eyes. “Details.�

“Hey, look, it’s the anal control freak complaining about details!� Joey announced.

Shoving Joey out of his way, JC grabbed the empty Pop Tart box and shook it. Then, he glared at Joey, looking pointedly at the crumbs that still littered the front of his shirt.

“Hey, C, guess what! Lance was watching porn!� Chris told him as he rummaged through the fridge before grabbing a bottle of orange juice.

“Really, Lance? Who would’ve thought?� he muttered, grinning as Lance turned red. Again.

Lance finally gave up. He could never win when they all ganged up on him. “Hey, I got it from Joey’s collection. He was so busy getting it on with the bear, he didn’t notice me taking it from his room.�

Justin hooted as Joey choked on a piece of apple. “Yeah, Mississippi Boy!� he shouted as he high-fived Lance.

“Joey was having sex with a bear?� JC asked, confused. Entering a room when his bandmates were in the middle of a conversation always left him with a whirlwind feeling.

“Yeah. You should have seen Justin getting off from watching him,� Lance added, nodding seriously. He gave JC a look that clearly said, ‘you know how they are.’

“Wait…� JC said suspiciously. Justin tried to reach over and smack the back of Lance’s head, but the blonde ducked the blow as he laughed.

“Just kidding, C. None of that was true…well…the bear part was true. But I was NOT watching porn. Unless the Lion King could be considered porn.�

Johnny Wright entered the bus with a disgusted look on his face. “You know Lance, we really don’t need stuff like that to get into the media. I think you should just keep kinky details like that to yourself from now on.�

Joey and Justin cracked up laughing and Lance buried his face in his hands.

**********

“Cassie!�

“Just a second, Jenna!�

“Cassie, can you help me?�

“Marie, give me two seconds, and I’ll be right there.�

“Cassie, can you-�

“Shannon! I know you’re somewhere in the hallway! Get in here!� Cassie interrupted yet another request for help, calling for her co-volunteer who had disappeared on an excursion to the Pepsi machine.

“How’d you know?� Shannon mumbled as she walked slowly into the arts and crafts room, glancing over her shoulder about fifty times before she reached the first table where six-year-old Marie was raising her hand and anxiously jumping in her seat.

“I heard your shoes coming, but you never showed. That, and the fact that it doesn’t take five minutes to grab a Pepsi. What were you doing, anyway?� Cassie asked. She leaned over five-year-old Jack’s shoulder as she helped him glue the picture of Michael Jordan onto his collage.

Shannon ignored the question as she pulled the piece of yarn that was buried in glue away from Marie’s incredibly sticky fingers.

“I know what she was doing,� eleven-year-old Seth informed them, grinning widely. He had just come back from the bathroom, so he probably DID know, and being the little informant that he was…

“Oh? Do tell,� Cassie urged, smiling as she walked over to see how his collage was coming.

He was about to blurt it out when Shannon smacked a hand over his mouth. Pushing her hand away, he made a face as he tried to rub the remnants of Elmer’s glue off his cheek.

“Next you’ll be eating the glue!� Shannon warned. Seth made a face at her, but went back to his collage and ignored Cassie, whose curiosity was growing by leaps and bounds.

“This is getting good,� she laughed. “What could possibly make YOU of all people turn red?�

“Hey, guys, *NSYNC just pulled up!� Zack informed them as he breezed into the room, throwing his jacket into a corner chair.

“Really?� Cassie asked as the third volunteer for the children’s wing of St. Joseph’s Cancer Hospital got right down to work, trying to take the extra sea of glue off the back of a magazine cut out that four-year-old Austin was about to put onto his collage. She cast a sly grin at Shannon, who was quickly turning the exact shade of her hair.

Cassie jumped back quickly as Jenna, Marie, and five other little girls stampeded to the wall of windows in the hallway. They gazed down at the parking lot, searching for the boyband. “I didn’t know they were coming today,� she complained as she picked Marie’s collage up from the floor where it had fallen in the surge to see *NSYNC. When no one answered, she turned around to find that twenty-five-year-old Shannon had joined the little girls in the hallway, stargazing out the window. She turned to Zack for her answer.

“That would be because you missed the last staff meeting,� Zack said, reaching around her to grab the glitter from the supply table.

Cassie had to think for a moment, trying to remember when the last staff meeting had been. It clicked for her suddenly. Two weeks ago. When she’d had her own doctor’s appointment.

“Where were you anyway? You never miss a meeting.�

“Oh, I had to go to Portland to visit some family.�

“Yeah, I know how that works.� Zack looked down at his already glued and glittered hands before making his request. “Would you mind grabbing the hospital camera from the nurses’ station? I was supposed to but I forgot to pick it up on my way in, and I don’t feel real comfy grabbing it right now.�

Cassie had to smile. “You did that on purpose, so don’t EVEN try to pull some B.S. innocent act. You just want me take the pictures so you can be in all of them. As usual!� she said pointedly as she left the room in search of the camera. The crowd of teenies was still avidly watching out the window, waiting for a glimpse.

“I hate to be the one to say this, guys, but maybe…you missed them.�

She got eight evil glares for her common sense. Shannon gave her a look that said her bubble was on the verge of bursting...and whoever was dumb enough to be the one to burst it…

“Well, they are on their way up here, are they not? So how ‘bout you all run back into the room and when they arrive, you can reasonably pull off pretending that you’re not drooling all over their shoes.�

Shannon glared at Cassie as she ushered the girls back in. “Justin DOES have like 140 pairs of shoes or something, so he won’t really notice if I drool on them, will he?� Shannon asked Cassie, feigning seriousness.

“If he has THAT many shoes, something is seriously wrong.�

“Spoilsport.� Shannon stuck her tongue out at Cassie before running in to stop one of the little boys from putting glue in Marie’s hair.

As Cassie rounded the corner, someone came barreling around the corner so fast, he knocked them both down.

Dazed, Cassie could only stare into the face of an incredibly handsome guy who was…yup, he was lying on top of her. With a leg under one or both of hers. One hand underneath her from his attempt to break their fall.

Well, I suppose this is every teenage girl’s fantasy view, she thought. It took less than a second for Lance’s face to turn red and for her to realize she’d said it aloud. Her eyes widened in horror, and she would have slapped her hand over her mouth to keep any other embarrassing thoughts from voicing themselves, but one hand was stuck underneath her, and the other was wedged between their bodies. She wiggled her fingers, trying to get it unstuck, and when Lance made a funny growling sound, she realized exactly WHERE between their bodies her hands were located.

“Ohmigod,� she breathed out, so embarrassed she couldn’t even form complete thoughts anymore. She tried to squirm out from under him, but he put an immediate stop to that idea with a simple, incredibly green and penetrating glance. He used his free hand to lever himself off her chest and slowly untangled his legs from hers.

�Wow, Lance goes from treating the Lion King as porn to knocking girls down in hospitals in order to cop a feel.�

The voice above her head enlightened her to their audience’s presence. Tilting her head backwards, she saw the other four guys of *NSYNC and a few very large men standing casually to the side, watching the spectacle. As soon as she possibly could, she moved her body a little bit in order to get both her hands free, not caring anymore what she might accidentally brush, and covered her eyes. Maybe, if she just blocked them out a little, they would go *poof* and disappear…

“You know, Justin, judging from where her hand just was, maybe SHE was the one doing the groping,� Joey observed in his dry, sarcastic voice.

Oh, God, could this be any more embarrassing? Cassie had never known why someone would actually wish for the ground to open up beneath them and suck them under, but it suddenly all became a whole hell of a lot more understandable. She might be accident-prone at times, but it had never gotten her into as an embarrassing situation as this.

She uncovered her eyes to see a ring of the five guys looking down at her, like a scene out of a movie. Lance proved his southern gentleman rep by extending a hand to help her up. Being pulled upright so quickly, made her realize he was surprisingly strong. Gee, you couldn’t have sensed that from the nicely muscled chest lying on top of yours ten seconds ago? Cassie would have glared at her sarcastic inner voice, but didn’t want the guys to think she was any weirder than they already did.

“Are you okay?� Lance asked as he bent his head down towards hers. Eyes widening, she realized how close his pulling her up had placed them. She took an awkward, hurried step back, bumping into—her head whirled around—JC as she tried to put some distance between herself and the guy whose body heat she could STILL feel.

“Uh, yeah, I’m fine…sorry…about…that…� Her thoughts were STILL having trouble completing themselves!

“No, it was my fault. I was in a hurry because we were a little late and I wasn’t watching where I was going. You sure you’re fine?� Lance was looking at her with some awesome green eyes, filled with concern.

“Perfectly fine,� she reassured. The other four guys of *NSYNC had again taken up their audience stance off to the side. “I have to go…get…something…� She felt like Winnie the Pooh as she stood there, trying to remember where the heck she had been going in the first place. “Oh, yes…I have to go get a camera.�

Feeling like the world’s biggest dork for being so excited that her bad memory hadn’t failed her, she gave them a weak grin before taking off around the corner and almost running the rest of the way to the nurse’s station.

“So, Cassie, you seem to be taken with the idea of a hallway demolition derby race…� Lynn, one of the day nurses, teased.

“Oh, my God! Could I have been a bigger klutz?� Cassie laughed as she reached under the counter to grab the Children’s Wing camera.

“I see that Zack got you to take the pictures yet again?� Katie, another nurse, asked as she wheeled one of the teenage patients, Alexis, who had opted out of collage making (as had the other ten kids in the wing over the age of twelve) down to the arts and crafts room.

Cassie shrugged; she was used to being conned into doing SOMETHING by Zack or Shannon. They had realized she was a pushover as soon as they had all started working together, and Cassie had become accepting of her position. “You know Zack. He’s all about getting his picture taken with boybands,� Cassie confided as she walked down the hall with Katie and Alexis.

“I HEARD that!� Cassie winced as Zack yelled at her from the crafts room. She walked in and could only stare in shock. Five of the teenagers were already there, having developed a sudden interest in making a collage. Alexis immediately zoomed herself over to where her friend Tatiana was cutting up a Seventeen magazine and laughing with Joey.

Wandering over their way, Cassie had to stifle a laugh when she saw that Joey was encouraging Tatiana to cut out body parts of the *NSYNC members. She didn’t even want to know what they would be doing with the parts when they were done. There was DEFINITELY something wrong with that boy.

Picking up an open tube of glitter from an empty table that had undoubtedly been left by one of the kids who knew that Cassie would always be there to clean up after them, she turned around to look for the cap and to put it away. Of course, she turned right into Lance.

As the shower of gold glitter that had all but erupted out of the tube finished falling to the floor, and decorating their clothes on its way, Cassie groaned. “I am so sorry.�

Lance sighed. “This is definitely not our day,� he replied, suddenly finding it hard not to grin.

“At least those jeans now match the rest of your shiny wardrobe. They were way too normal for your usual style anyway.�

Cassie’s eyes widened and she slapped her non-camera-holding hand over her mouth as soon as she said it. Which meant that it was her glitter-tube-holding hand. And as if her day was not embarrassing enough already, the glitter tube went flying through the air, making a neat little landing nearby in JC’s hair. Cassie kind of thought it looked like pixie dust as the glitter settled in both JC’s hair and Jenna’s head scarf. A few speckles fell onto Jenna’s collage, which JC was helping her with.

They both looked up at Cassie, and Jenna gave Cassie her best saucy-five-year-old glare. “Cassie!� the little girl whined.

“Hey, you look like Tinkerbelle. I kind of like it,� Cassie offered. Jenna stuck her tongue out at Cassie, which left Cassie with nothing to do but stick her own tongue out in retaliation. After which, she remembered that one of the nation’s hottest popstars was standing next to her.

Cassie offered Lance her same weak, floor-open-beneath-me-now smiles and turned back towards JC and Jenna. “Say cheese,� she commanded as she lifted the camera to her eye and snapped a picture of the two pixie dusted people. Amazingly, both of their grump expressions disappeared just in time. As Cassie lowered the camera, they both gave her one last nasty glare before JC picked the collage up, blew the glitter off (right onto Cassie) and got back to work.

Facing Lance again, she apologized, “I’m really sorry about getting glitter all over you.�

“I thought you said it made my clothes match the rest of my wardrobe,� Lance teased. If Cassie hadn’t already been completely red, her face would have flamed at her remembered big mouth.

“Sorry about that. I don’t usually say things without thinking.�

“Well, even thinking it can be dangerous for you.�

Cassie groaned inwardly at her earlier slip. “Sorry about the hallway thing too.�

“Oh, you mean groping me while I was in a vulnerable position?�

Her jaw dropped. “ME?! Groping you?�

“What, are you implying that I was groping YOU?� Lance offered her his Mississippi grin, and her next line of defense flew out of her head.

Think, think, think. What had she been about to say…

“Good, I’m glad you agree with me,� Lance finished, nodding as he slipped past her, smiling as he headed towards a little boy who was trying to fit as many Michael Jordan pictures onto his paper as possible.

Cassie was left gaping after him. Right now, she wished more than anything that she was the type of person who could always say what they wanted to say when they needed to say it. Instead, she was like Meg Ryan in You’ve Got Mail, always able to think of exactly was she had wanted to say a few hours too late. Of course, she also spent those few hours replaying the scene over and over again until she came up with the perfect retort.

Shaking her head, she walked over to help Marie with something, only to be pushed away, as the girl was waiting for Justin to notice that she needed help. Rolling her eyes, she made a non-obvious path towards Justin to alert him to the fact that he was needed elsewhere, somewhere other than “helping� Shannon with something.

Two hours later, the younger kids were off to get their bedtime snack while the older kids pulled out some video games. Cassie was exhausted as she carried Jenna, who had fallen asleep at one of the tables, back to the room she shared with Marie. Jenna had just started a new round of radiation, a higher dosage, and she tired more quickly than anyone had been expecting.

“Need some help?�

Cassie turned around. Lance took the opportunity to lift the sleeping child into his own arms. “Lead the way.�

Since she had just left the crafts room and Jenna seemed to be gaining twenty pounds with each step, Cassie didn’t try to pretend that she could do it herself. Having been at the hospital for over seven hours already and spending the last two hours running around the crafts room cleaning up the many messes that everyone seemed bent on creating, she could barely carry herself. She did prefer to just show Lance where to carry Jenna, who actually weighed less than forty-five pounds.

Turning back the covers, Cassie waited for Lance to lay the little girl down before removing her shoes and pulling the blankets up to the little girl’s chin. Having spent enough nights with the kids in the Children’s Wing, she knew that Jenna liked to be tucked in with the covers right to her chin. Her shoulders had to be covered, but the blankets couldn’t go ALL the way to her chin or she couldn’t sleep. And the scarf on her head had to be pulled on tight. Even though Jenna was asleep and wouldn’t notice, Cassie continued the ritual.

Lance stood off to the side, not wanting to interfere in what was obviously important to Cassie. Watching as she smoothed the girl’s scarf past where her hairline should have been and kissed her good night on the forehead, Lance felt an odd tug at his heart. It was so rare for him to see someone who cared more about tucking a sleeping child in than in flirting with a member of *NSYNC, and it made him appreciate the scene before him all the more.

Following Cassie out of the room, they stopped in the hallway outside her door. Cassie pulled it closed almost all the way, making sure the nightlight was on before turning out the lights inside the hospital room. Neither Jenna nor Marie could sleep without the nightlight, and Marie would be sure to freak out in a few minutes if she found the room completely dark.

“How long have you been volunteering here?� Lance asked, causing Cassie to almost jump out of her skin. She had forgotten he was there.

“A little over two years. I started the summer before my freshman year of college at UW. I wasn’t able to come in very often when I had classes; I’m taking this year off, which leaves a lot more time to spend here.� Cassie wandered into one of the lounges and collapsed into a padded rocking chair, deciding to take a much-needed five minute break before helping to get everyone settled for bed.

Lance tried sitting in one of the kindergarten-sized plastic chairs in front of Cassie, before grimacing and moving onto a loveseat next to her chair. “Why?�

“Why what? The break or being here?�

“Why do you volunteer here? And for so long? You are a volunteer, right?� Lance asked. He had noticed earlier that the people in scrubs were either nurses or a rare doctor who came in at night to double-check on one of his patients. Cassie, Shannon, and Zack were all dressed in casual, okay-kids-throw-paint-on-me clothes.

“Yup, it’s voluntary. I could have gotten a nursing degree by now, I suppose. But I don’t want to deal with all the needles and medical stuff. I just like being with the kids, keeping them busy during the long days, cheering them up at nights. Especially kids like Jenna, whose family lives too far away for them to come see her everyday, and who can’t afford to come live in Seattle while she goes through radiation treatment.�

“The little girl,� Lance asked as he motioned towards the room they had just left, “That’s Jenna?�

“Yeah. She just started a new six-week round of radiation, but she doesn’t seem to be taking to it too well.�

“What’s wrong with her?� Lance was genuinely interested. Usually, their charity events seemed to jumble together, but something about this visit was different. Cassie was making it personal for him.

“She has a brain tumor. They’re trying to shrink it, make it small enough to remove. Her last treatments didn’t work, so they had to shave her entire head, trying to get at it from a different angle. But after showing pictures of Alicia Keys at the Grammy’s to her, Jenna actually likes wearing scarves. Anytime I find a new picture of Alicia wearing a different scarf I bring it in for her.�

“I had noticed that her collage was made up entirely of pictures of Alicia Keys. I guess I missed the scarf reference though.�

Cassie waved it off. “Most people would have. We’re trying to get them to make collages of something that would remind them of beating their cancer. Not being brought down by having no hair is Jenna’s way. You might have seen Jack’s Michael Jordan collage. Whenever he gets really sick, he imagines MJ playing basketball with the cancer cells. No one can beat MJ, of course.�

Lance grinned. It was such a cute, yet powerful mental image; he could see how it would help a little boy cope with his chemo or radiation treatments. “Of course,� he agreed, leaning back and sinking comfortably into the sofa. “So, do you always work yourself into exhaustion.�

Cassie looked at him, startled. She had thought that she’d just looked slightly tired. “Just a bit of a long day. A long week actually…maybe even a month. My mom always warns me about burning myself out, and tells me that I need to take a break every once in awhile.�

“Judging from the way you collapsed into that chair just now, I’d say that your mother had a point.�

“I know. It just seems like every time I decide to spend less time here, or to take a week off, a new little kid comes in, who just began chemo and can’t even hold himself up when he’s sick all over the place. Or one of the kids we sent away in remission a few months ago relapses and ends up back here again. They’re always so much more bitter, having gone back to their life as a normal kid, only to have it taken back, like a cruel joke.� Cassie shrugged. “I just can’t seem to leave.�

Lance could see down the hallway, where the rest of the guys were shrugging into their jackets and giving last hugs to the little kids who were starting to wander past the lounge, on their way to bed. But he didn’t want this to end. Somehow, in just one conversation, Cassie had managed to get to him. He wasn’t quite ready to let that go. And the next thing he knew, he heard himself asking, “What are you doing tomorrow?�

*********

That night, Lance sat at the table in Justin’s hotel room, still thinking over the day.

“You okay, man?� Justin asked. Lance looked up, startled out of his thoughts. He smiled. It was a rare day indeed that Justin turned serious.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just thinking about the hospital.� Justin nodded, but Lance could tell that the visit hadn’t become as personal for Justin as it had for himself.

“Okay. Well, you just keep thinking. Your brain could definitely use the exercise.� Justin ducked the flying missile—an ad tripod from the table—before continuing, “You need anything…well, I’ll be in Joey’s room; he asked me to pick up some beer when I stopped at the drug store earlier. Of course…it could be the cellular static, and what Joey really wanted was another bear.�

Justin and Lance both laughed over their bus conversation from this morning. As Justin was leaving, Lance called out to him.

“Actually, I need a favor…�

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