I pretend that I’m glad you went away
These four walls close in more everyday
And I’m dying inside
And nobody’s knows it but me
Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I’m crying inside
And nobody knows it but me
Why didn’t I say
The things I needed to say
How could I let my angel get away
Now my world is just a tumbling down
I can say it so clearly
But you’re nowhere around
JC stared out the window of the bus as they rolled down the highway towards the next city. Usually he loved this time on the bus, because he used that free time to write down ideas for new songs. Tonight, all he could think of was her. He thought by now he would be over her, but no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn’t get her out of his mind….or his heart. Samantha had come into his life when he needed someone desperately. He thought she was an angel sent from up above to help him in his time of need. She was everything to him. JC never thought he could love anyone as much as he loved her, but no matter how he felt inside he could never seem to express his feelings to her. Every time she would look into his blue eyes and smile and tell him she loved him, he would just smile and ‘You too’ or ‘Right back at ya.’ After a while, Samantha began to question how he really felt about her.
~*~*~*~*Flashback~*~*~*~*
“JC we have to talk.” Samantha sighed as she sat down across from JC as he cleaned the stage make-up off his handsome face.
“What’s up baby?”
“JC...we’ve been together for a long time now. I’ve told you many times how much I love you, but never once have you told me you loved me back.”
“I’ve told you plenty of times how I feel about you.”
“Okay, after I told you I loved you you said ‘me too’, ‘ditto’ or ‘right back at ya.’ I don’t think I’m asking to much for you to say the words to me JC. Do you love me? If you do, I need to hear you say the words. If you can’t say them, then I don’t think there’s any reason for us to stay together.” she looked up at him, her brown eyes pleading with him to just say those three little words that would mean so much to her. To her dismay, he stared back at her, his blue eyes cold.
“In other words if I don’t say what you want me to say then we’re over?”
“I love you JC. I don’t want us to be over, but if you can’t tell me you love my by now, then we have major problems.”
“You know what, I’m not going to be told by you what I need to say or not say. I get enough of that shit from my management and record company. Christ Sam! Things were going so well with us. Why do you have to ruin everything now by pulling this shit?”
Samantha’s chin trembled as she fought to control her emotions, “This ‘shit’ is important to me JC. I guess I have my answer from you. I don’t think there’s anything left for us to discuss. Good-bye JC.” she whispered as she quickly left his dressing room. The minute she was gone, JC wanted to run after her, pull her into his arms, and tell her how much he loved her and how he had been a complete jackass. Something held him back. Was it pride, or was it because he really didn’t love her the way she needed to be loved? Whatever the answer was, he didn’t do anything. He just let the woman who had come to mean the most to him walk out of his life.
~*~*~*~*End Flashback~*~*~*~*
The nights are lonely, the days are so sad
And I just keep thinking about the love that we had
And I’m missin’ you
And nobody knows it but me
I carry a smile when I’m broken in two
And I’m nobody without someone like you
I’m trembling inside and nobody knows it but me
I lie awake it’s a quarter past three
I’m screamin’ at night as if I thought you’d hear me
Yeah my heart is callin’ you
And nobody knows it but me
Day quickly faded into night, but JC didn’t seem to notice. He just continued to stare out the window at nothing at all. It was almost 3am when Jaimie, Lance’s girlfriend, got up from their bunk to grab something to drink. She saw JC sitting at the kitchen table in the exact position he was in hours before. She sighed heavily, her heart aching for him. Jaimie knew no matter how he acted, what he said, or what he did that he was hurting inside and he was missing Samantha more than anything.
“Hi.” she whispered to him, gently placing her hand on his shoulder.
JC jumped, startled “Oh, you scared me.” he tried to smile. “What’s up?”
“Well, I was sleeping. You know it’s like almost 3am don’t you?”
“I hadn’t noticed.” JC answered, returning his attention to the nothing outside the bus window.
“Obviously.” she muttered under her breath. “JC, have you tried calling her?”
“What are you talking about?” he asked, but he knew all too well who she was referring to. Every fiber of his being was aching to hold her in his arms again, and to kiss her sweet lips.
“You know what I’m talking about JC. Why don’t you call her?”
JC sighed, “How can I expect her to listen to me after what I said to her the day she left? I was so cruel Jaim. Unbelievably cruel. I just don’t know what I could possibly say to make everything okay.”
“I’m sorry for hurting you. I love you.” Jaimie smiled softly at him. “We’re women. It’s pretty simple really.”
“You really think that will be enough?”
“JC, I’m not going to sit here and tell you that’s all you have to say and Sam will come falling back into your arms. Things may not go that way. All I’m saying is tell her how you really feel. Even if she says it’s over, at least you can find some peace within yourself knowing you tried to make things right and tell her how you feel. That’s all you can do.”
“You’re right. I just hope she’ll forgive me.” he smiled over at her softly.
“Me too Jace. I know you love her. You two were meant for each other. I feel it in my heart.” Jaimie stood and gave him a comforting hug. “Now, you get your butt to your bunk and get some sleep. You’ll need it for tomorrow.”
JC laughed softly, but held onto her for a moment longer “Thank you Jaim. I don’t know what I would have done without you.”
Jaimie kissed the top of his head, “Always JC. I love you sweetie and I want you to be happy. Goodnight.”
“Goodnight Jaims.” he whispered before following her back and climbing into his soft bunk. As his eyes closed, he felt better than he had in weeks.
How blue can I get
You could ask my heart
But like a jigsaw puzzle it’s been torn all apart
A million words wouldn’t say just how I feel
A million years from now you know
I’ll be lovin’ you still
The nights are lonely, the days are so sad
I just keep thinking about the love that we had
And I’m missin’ you
And nobody knows it but me
JC’s hands trembled as he stood on her doorsteps, almost six months to the day she walked out of his life. Butterflies invaded his stomach as he waited for her to answer the door. What would she say, how would she react to seeing him again? JC hoped she would be happy to see him. Their eyes locked when she opened the door, all JC could see in them was surprise. At least he didn’t see hate, that was what he was most afraid of. Her heartbeat stopped for a moment the minute their eyes locked. It felt more like an eternity to her, but she was sure it was only a moment before it started to return to normal.
“JC….what are you doing here?” she asked, trying hard to not get her hopes up that he came to tell her how he really felt about her.
“I don’t meant to disturb you Sam. I just…I just wanted to apologize…..can I come in please. It’s starting to rain harder.” JC pulled further into his jacket to try to block out the chill from the rain.
“Of course. I’m sorry.” she stepped aside to let him in. Once he was inside, he looked around the familiar surroundings somehow feeling as though he was home. He looked towards the mantle and saw a picture of them together. They had been so happy once, he hoped they could be that happy once again if she could find it in her heart to forgive him. He looked back at her and felt his heart begin to race. She was still beautiful. Those big brown eyes looked upon him with only a touch of sadness. Her golden brown hair was a little longer now, falling just a little past her shoulders, her layers framing her beautiful face perfectly. He longed to reach out and pull her into his arms, and kiss her sweet lips once again. Luckily he was able to refrain.
“How have you been?” he asked.
“I’m doing okay. Better than I was a few months ago. You?”
“I’ve been good. You know me. I like to keep busy.”
“Yeah.” she laughed softly, looking down at the floor.
JC sighed heavily, “That’s a lie Sam. I’ve been miserable. Ever since the day you walked out on me. I’m not saying I didn’t deserve it, but I would give anything for you to give me another chance Samantha. I know I’ve made mistakes in our relationship, but never once did I question how I really felt about you. I know all you wanted was for me to say how I feel, but those words are so hard to say for me. I vowed I’d never say them unless I was completely sure I meant them.”
Samantha began to fight her tears again, “If you felt them, then why didn’t you say them when I asked you to JC?”
“I honestly can’t tell you why Sam. I was a fool. But I can say them now. I love you Samantha Miller. I want you to be by my side forever. Please say you still love me and there’s still a chance for us. I can’t live without you.” JC slowly walked towards her and pulled her into his warm embrace. Samantha collapsed into his arms, crying so hard her body shook uncontrollably. JC held onto her tightly, loving the feeling of having her back in his arms. After her tears subsided, she slowly pulled away from him and looked up into his eyes. Instead of the coldness that once held in their blue depths, she saw all the love she had been looking for.
“I love you too JC. I don’t want to be without you anymore either.” she smiled as he gently wiped her tears away from her cheeks. JC slowly lowered his lips down to hers, sighing contently as he deepened their kiss. They molded together as if they had never been apart at all. They were made for each other, and they were together again. That’s all that mattered in the world.
Tomorrow morning I’m hittin’ the dusty road
I’m gonna find you wherever, ever you might go
And I’m gonna unload my heart
And Hope you come back to me
Said when the nights are lonely…
The nights are lonely, the days are so sad
I just keep thinking about the love that we had
And I’m missin’ you
And nobody knows it but me
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