A friend linked me to this vizzy. You have a good concept of the story, you just need to tweak some technical and grammatical aspects of it. I'd suggest getting a Beta reader to help. Everyone needs them. They can point out when you need to use commas and remind you of the difference between than (a comparison word) and then (a time/transitional word). Also, hit enter twice between paragraphs makes it more aesthetically appealing and not one huge paragraph of doom to read.

Author's Response:

Thank you for the tips. I wrote all but one of my vizzies or stories whatever they are called these days years ago.

I to this day do have problems with grammar like punctuation and things of that nature.

It's just something i was never good at.

Thank you again for your response