Part One-Intro

 Part two-The fine line you cross

The opportunity came to easily really. Lets face it, making an album was time consuming. I’ve been there, done that plenty of times but for the time being, my celebrity status was at a stand still. This was JC’s time. Like I told you before, the man deserves this so I made myself available whenever possible to help him, support him or just to be there to listen to an idea that he was chasing around in his head. Fortunately for myself, that meant being around her. Yes, I know I’m the biggest ass in the world but Jace being constantly busy became a benefit to myself. You see, he was busy a lot. I took this opportunity one afternoon that he’d asked me to stop over at his house and pick up something. An afternoon she happened to be there alone and feeling vulnerable.

-----

I pulled my escalade up the winding hill until I reached his driveway. My black shades covering my blue eyes and blocking out the harsh rays of the California sun. I put my car into park, grabbing my keys and putting them in the pocket of  my baggy gray sweats.  I got out and walked up the steps to his door, not even knocking, just walking in because lets face it, the man was like my brother. He trusted me--sometimes I wonder why. I looked around the empty house, assuming no one was there if he needed me to pick something up for him and drop it off. Walking aimlessly down the narrow hallway that led to his master bedroom, I didn’t think anything of it as I opened the door and was sucker punched at the view that I was met with. She stood there, in nothing but a towel- her hair damp as if she’d just showered. If the wide deer eyes that stared back at me were any indication of what was going through her mind, I was in deep shit.

“JUSTIN! What the hell are you doing here?” she screamed as she tried to pull the towel tighter around her body, fumbling a little.

Shit. Had I just caught a glimpse of her breast? Of course from what I could see looked perfect. My heart sped up faster as I tired to search for the words to dig myself out of this before she beat the shit out of me.

“I’m so sorry, Erin-Jace asked me to come over and pick something up for him! He never mentioned you’d be home. Hell, I thought you’d be with him. I’m--I’m so sorry. I’ll just get out of here.” I stuttered quickly.

Her expression grew softer as I turned back around hearing my name called. “Justin, just- get what you need to get and I’ll go change in the bathroom, okay?”
I looked at her, wide eyes and was surprised a little bit. She wasn’t kicking me out? I should have fucking ran.

I scratched my head nervously going in the direction of the closet, looking for the folder JC needed. “Thanks. I’m really sorry.”

She nodded softly and spoke her assurances before I heard the adjoining bathroom door close.

Someone was laughing at me somewhere as I searched the filing cabinet. All I could picture was her perfectly tan, athletic body in their naked as she probably rubbed that lotion all over her that made her skin so damned silky and smell amazing. I cursed myself even more as my cell vibrated in the pocket of my sweats, sending me into an even bigger argument with myself. The name that blinked across the screen should have cleared my thoughts but they didn’t, for some reason they only made me angry. I hit ignore as I continued looking. My girlfriend was the last person I wanted to speak to right now. She was in god knows what country filming a movie with this actor and this actress and my time with her had been scarce. I craved the touch of another woman. A women that was spoken for. Yes, I’ll admit it. I’m the biggest ass hole on the planet and I hadn’t even done anything yet. My thoughts were a crime enough alone- wonderfully dirty, sweaty, sexual thoughts.

I’d finally found the dang folder JC wanted, 10 minutes later and grabbed it quickly before leaving the room in a rush. My mind began it’s own argument as I contemplated leaving or not. Should I stay and explain myself further and see what the hell she was doing home, walking around in nothing but the tiny scrap of her towel making me hard as hell or just make a hasty exit and pretend nothing ever happened?

What do you think I did? I might as well asked for the trouble to be handed to me on a silver platter because I stayed. I went to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water from JC’s fridge, twisting the cap off and taking a long drink and I waited-- with anticipation.

She came out from the bedroom a short five minutes later, dressed in yoga pants and a form fitting t-shirt, looking comfortable and tempting all at the same time. I followed her into the spacious living room, watching as she took a seat on one of the plush leather couches before flipping on the TV. I followed suit, sitting beside her, water bottle in one hand, the other nervously on my leg as I looked at her with big innocent blue eyes which was funny because innocent was the last of what I was feeling at that moment.

I took another long swig from the bottle as the cool liquid traveled down my throat before swallowing and turning to face her.

“I’m sorry Erin. I didn’t mean to just barge in on you like that. I swear, Jace never mentioned you’d be here.” I pleaded.

She nodded, turning towards me and propping her feet up on the coffee table in front of us and folding her arms protectively over her chest. “It’s fine Justin. Don’t even worry about it.”

I nodded, shocked I was off the hook. The awkward tension had seemed to dissipate immediately and I was grateful. I noticed she looked bothered, that something didn’t seem right about her. The usually bubbly personality she gave off had seemed to be no where in site. I wanted to console her, to wrap her in my arms and absorb whatever problems she was dealing with. I wanted to love her in ways I shouldn’t.  

“Are you okay? You seem upset.” I stated. She turned somber eyes on me, sitting up and tucking a leg underneath her body, and leaning back lazily.

“Fine Justin. Just….never mind. So you talked to Jace recently?”

I could tell it had something to do with him but was a little shocked. JC usually treated his girlfriends well and I knew for a fact, he was crazy about her.

“Um, yeah. He called me this morning.” I say as I tap my fingers on the knee of my jeans, trying to keep them occupied from touching her.

“Must me nice.” She muttered and turned back to the TV, flipping through the channels.

“Haven’t talked to him, recently I take it?” I bite my lip as I await her answer. I’m such a sick man. I’m hoping she says no, that he’s let her down somehow. Sick is only half of it. God, sometimes I hate myself.

“No, we’ve talked. Just all to brief conversations. I know he’s busy and I’m just being selfish. I just miss him, that’s all.”

“You’re not selfish, Erin. You have the right. Anything I can do?”  I ask cautiously. What are the chances that she’d ask me to carry her off to bed somewhere and make love with her until the sun came up? Yeah, sick is what I am.

She sighed deeply, her chest heaving as her breath exhaled. I tried not to stare as her perfectly shaped breasts moved along with them, sitting perfectly on her above her ribs. Turning sad, confused eyes to his, she finally spoke. “No thanks, Justin. I appreciate the offer though.”

If only she knew how far the offer went. I looked over at her, nodding in acknowledgment as I watched her posture. She’s moved to the edge of the couch now, her elbows resting on her knees, her head in her hands. Something tells me this goes beyond what she’s actually telling me. Is this my chance to jump the gun?

I move closer to her, one hand immediately going to her back, moving up in down in a comforting motion. I feel her tense, then relax. I move the brown curly hair that’s framed her face away, tucking it casually behind her ear. My fingertips brush her neck in the process and her skin immediately shivers. Did I do that to her? Is she feeling what I’m feeling, what I’m wanting? Because right now, all I want is her. I take a chance, and press the issue a little further. I have to know.

“What’s going on, Erin. You know you can tell me anything.” She looks up at me, eyes confused still, but I see so much more. She’s really looking at me, studying my face. Am I dreaming or something? She blinks a few times, looking somber before her head drops to my shoulder. A snake my arm around hers, pulling her closer, breathing her in before she finally explains.

“Things have been so different for Jace and I. I know he’s busy with his career, I know he deserves this and this is his time. I just-- things have changed. I’m not sure if I fit in anymore.”

I swallowed, nodding my head to let her know I’d heard her. “Jace loves you, Erin. A lot.” See. I can be a good guy.

“I know he does. I love him to. It’s just--it’s been so long since we’ve-.” She stops suddenly, her fingers suddenly still in her lap. My hearts beating faster, my thoughts going in every direction. I turn my head just a little, inhaling the sweet smell of her freshly washed hair. My lips moving it a little as I ask that one question I need to know. “Since you’ve what, Erin?”

Silence ticks away and I wonder how I’ve ended up here. It had been a little over a week ago since I couldn’t stop staring at her at the release party. A little over a month since I had started to look at her in different light, not as my best friends girl but as sexy, gorgeous, I-wish-she-were-mine, Erin. Since I found the curves of her body something to be admired, to be touched by my hands. Full and pouty lips that I wanted to feel against mine. I almost have to hold my breath as I wait for her answer. She finally turns to me, looking me square in the eye before she looks away and whispers. Her answer might just be the death of me. “Since we’ve made love.”

Was she really admitting this to me? As much as I felt for my best friend, my thoughts were selfish. I found it as a free ticket to get what I wanted from her. She was hurting, confused, probably feeling a little needy and instead of consoling her, I thought with my dick instead of my heart.

 I grabbed her jaw in my hand, running my thumbs softly over her cheeks, looking at her, silently asking permission. She looked back, her brown eyes staring at me wide and perplexed with what was going to happen next. I waited another second to see if she’d pull away, to see if she’d slap me for what she knew I was going to do but she didn’t. Her lips lay open slightly, almost silently begging and I did what it seemed we both wanted. I leaned forward as passion and want surged through me, my breath lingering with hers and I took a giant leap and for once I didn’t think anymore, I inched forward, quickly and surly with force and pent of passion until my lips met hers and yeah, I’m an ass because I just kissed her.

Part Three-The damage is done

I tried not to feel guilty due to the fact I had just kissed my best friends girl. You’d think this revelation would have slapped me in the face and all reality would come screaming back and I’d pull away right? But I didn’t. I kept kissing her. Her lips were more addicting that anything I’d ever touched. At that moment, I was almost angry at JC, jealous at the fact that he could have her whenever he wanted and he’d pushed himself away enough and here she was. Broken and hurt, feeling needy and had landed smack dab in my arms, her lips crashing with mine in something I could only explain as pure heated passion.

My mind went blank for a second when I heard her gasp, soft and sweet, making my insides come alive. I took this opportunity to plunge my tongue inside her mouth, gently grazing it with hers and just like I had hoped, it fought back with eager desire. One of my hands stayed still against her jaw, fingers barely brushing her hair as my other came to her side, inching up to her ribs and cautiously gazing her breast. I could feel her push her body into my touch and that only edged me on, made me want her so much more. She leaned forward, her sweet weight pressed against me as her lips left mine and began to attack my neck. I nearly jumped out of my skin when I felt her small but sure hands sneak up the hem of my t-shirt, her fingernails grazing my abs. Why did something so wrong feel so amazing? Reluctantly, I pulled away taking big gasps of air, trying to fill my lungs with something other than her sweet breath.

“I want you Erin. I want you so bad.” I said, my heart pounding loudly. Her forehead lay still against my shoulder breathing deep also. I could hear the wheels turning in her head, loudly going around and helping her voice her final decision. I bit my lip in anticipation, wondering what she’d say. I wanted her so bad I could taste it, so bad I could already taste her sweet skin on my lips and tongue. I was willing right then and there to throw everything away. My best friend and pretty much my brother, sans our DNA. Add my girlfriend to that list, which I for one, had no idea where we stood. I only knew one thing and that one thing was that I hadn’t felt this way in such a long time. My body literally on fire with want and need and the one person for my condition wasn’t mine but from the looks of it, she’d say yes. I hoped she did anyways, hoped all the way down to my toes.

Finally, she looked up at me,  eyes hazed over from what had just taken place and I honestly have no idea what she’s about to say. I mean hell, her, Jace and my girlfriend were pretty much like an extended family. It was then that I took the time to flash back to all the moments I’d spent with her, hung out with her and been there as a brother-in- law type of person and here I was doing this, wondering if the glances I’d made back then had been a fire building in the pit of my stomach and once again, I felt like an ass whole. They need to tattoo that word on my forehead apparently. That guilt began to eat at me,  but it quickly surpassed as she looked up, ran a hand through my thick hair that had began to curl in ways I couldn’t control, leaned forward and nipped at my lips before whispering against them. “I want you Justin, so bad but-.”

Shit. There was always a but. I fucking hate that word. For once I just wish the word but or anything of the familiar language could be thrown out the window right now. I put my head down, dropping my hand from her body but it was quickly drawn back, touching her skin and I was instantly alive again. “Not here.” she whispered.

I nodded, standing up and grabbing her hand, quickly tugging her along with me. The folder I had come over for left carelessly on the coffee table as I didn’t give it a second glance. She stopped me for a second, slipping her small feet into a pair of flip flops before we made our way through the house and out the door. The ride to my house seemed like an eternity. I had no idea what exactly was going to happen or how it would all go but I knew one thing and one thing only. It’d be hot. The greatest things in life were sinful and this was going to be the sweetest bite. I kept my hands securely on the steering wheel, knowing if they weren’t occupied that I’d be tempted to touch her and doing that while driving could only end in disaster even though it’d be a sweet way to go.

She looked priceless, sitting there, her lip slightly between her teeth as she chewed nervously. Her hands in her lap, fingers moving over the others. She looked out the window, not quite sure if she was actually looking at anything or if it was just a blank stare. I hoped she was as still as hot as I was. My wish proved true when I finally pulled up to the gate of my house, punching in the security code anxiously and waiting for it to allow me entry. I flew out the door, around to hers and took her hand in mine as I led her out of the car. I pulled her body tightly against mine, taking the time to nip at her neck and sooth the bites with my tongue. I wanted her to feel every inch of me and if the groan she let out was any indication, she felt it all.

I don’t even remember the walk up to the door, locking it and setting the alarm. I don’t remember tumbling up the stairs, tripping and her falling on top of me, eager and anxiously grinding into me, her sweet lips all over. We somehow moved to my bedroom, giving her a clear conscious she needed for the time being, and as for me, I didn’t care because this, right here and now, was all I wanted. She was a participating partner in this sexual game and immediately she was winning, her hands on the waist band of my pants, pushing them down. I threw my head back against the wall with a loud thump as her small but strong fingers found me, pumping me to the brink before I stopped her. I wanted this to last. My t-shirt quickly followed the growing pile and I returned the favor, pulling her shirt over her head, her bra following shortly after. My palms going straight for her breasts, thumbs strumming over the sensitive buds as she rolled her head back. I wanted to please her. I don’t know why but I felt the need to make her feel something JC hadn’t. Almost like I wanted to be the winner in this demented little game.

My hands went to her pants, grasping her small hips and pulling them down her legs, as she kicked her flip flips off swiftly. Erin stood their in front of me, in nothing but a pair of black bikini panties and I honestly forgot to breath. Her tanned skin was begging for my touch and I couldn’t hold back any longer. My fingers followed every dip and curve of her athletic stomach, never missing a single inch. I brought my lips back to hers once more in a heated fury, moving my tongue deep inside. Eagerly my hand slipped inside her panties, groaning when I found her equally as excited as I was. I teased her slowly until she yelled out, partly from pleasure, the rest from frustration. I could tell she wanted this as badly as I did. Not just an interlude, she wanted it all and nothing in this world could stop me from giving her just that. I peeled away the unneeded garment fast, her legs automatically finding their way around my waste. I nearly dissolved at the skin to skin contact. I wanted this-her, so fucking bad.

“Justin, please, now. I need you.” she begged. I took her jaw in mine, keeping one hand securely wrapped around her back as I turned us around and gently leaned her against the door. I kissed her hard, aligning our bodies just right, and in one swift move I entered her tight body and I though that, right there was going to be the end of me.

We both let out gaps and groans, nothing but the sounds of mixed pleasure filling the silence of the room as our bodies moved together. “You’ve got me Erin. Feel me babe, I’m here.”

She looked up at me as I spoke and I’d never seen eyes more intense than hers at that very moment. The vivid green color was nothing to due them justice. They were almost a deep aqua color. It seemed someone couldn’t make up their mind when creating her eyes so they decided to use blues and greens and somehow little specks of gold were added to the mixture. They were dark, hazed over and sparkling all at the same time. The color of pleasure, of being satisfied and I couldn’t be more happy to oblige.

My arms went under hers, locking behind her shoulders as she held on tight around my neck. I backed her further against the door, pushing into her as much as I could and rocked against her sweet flesh. I was getting closer. I could feel my toes curling, my entire body on fire, building with such intense pleasure. Something I hadn’t had in a while. For once it felt mutual with Erin, not like an obligation. I didn’t think about anything else at all, I just felt.

I could hear her whispers against my ear as she spoke against it, soft and warm. She was getting close, her tiny gasps of pleasure urging me on. I sped up my pace, moving inside of her and it only took a second before she was flying apart in my arms. Her forehead pressed to my shoulder, aftershocks still shaking her, we both took deep breaths of air, doing our best to slow the soaring of our hearts. Still wrapped within me, after the gasps subsided and I had stopped seeing stars, I pulled her chin to up to meet her eyes with mine and right then and there was when I felt like the biggest ass whole in the world. She looked confused, almost hurt as a small tear slipped down her chin. I never knew you could mix pleasure with pain but it had a bitter taste to it.

Swiping the tear away with my thumb, I tried to console her, tried to find the right words to say. “Erin..?”

“What the hell did we just do Justin?”

 Part Four-Deceit is a bitter pill to swallow

 I'm about to break
I can't stop this ache
I'm addicted to your allure
and I'm feigning for a cure
Every step I take
Leads to one mistake

 Part Five-Something's Missing

Leave unsaid unspoken

eyes wide shut unopened

You and me always between the lines

between the lines

JC’s POV

I’m laying here, staring up at the ceiling and my mind is going a mile a minute. I’ve been busy, non-stop for what seems like days and this is the one place I have wanted to be ever since. My own bed, the smells are the same, it feels just like I remember it as my tired body sinks into the mattress and the sheets feel the same, cool and smooth against my aching body. I should be asleep right now, like I said I’m exhausted but I’m not. This bed seems cold because Erin isn’t here. I’ve tried her cell and she hasn’t picked up. Her car is in the drive and that thought should worry me but something tells me she’s just out with one of her girlfriends. I’m laying here, missing her like crazy. I have to give her props for not being one of those clingy types. She accepts me and my career for what it is and goes from there. She doesn’t blow up my phone and ask me what I’m doing or where I’m at all the time. She just goes with the flow. Most guys would be lucky to have a girl like Erin. I’m a lucky guy.

She is everything to me. From the day I first met her, she’s been by my side. I always say she blind sided me. Now don’t get me wrong, because we’ve had our ups and downs just like any other couple. She’s special though.  She’s this gorgeous girl with a personality that makes her shine watts above the sun. You know exactly the type I’m talking about. Like one of those people who just walks into a room and everyone takes notice. Yep, that’s Erin for you. She’s never asked much of me, just that I love her as much as she loves me and I do. Sometimes I think I don’t even deserve her. I’ll admit, I have my faults and I’m no where near perfect. I’m a guy and I make mistakes, but I won’t go into that not. I roll back over to my back, tucking my hands behind my head and suddenly this bed feels massive with just myself inside of it. I reach over for my phone and try her number once more, and don’t get an answer. I can’t remember the last time I talked to her, like really had a flat out conversation with her. Gosh, I’m starting to worry now. Maybe Justin knows where she might be? I quickly dial his cell and frown as I get a busy signal. Where could she be?

Suddenly I feel like the biggest ass of a boyfriend on the face of the earth. I should have called her, kept in touch no matter how busy I’ve been. A phone call only takes a few minutes but apparently I’m too much of a selfish bastard to know that. I dial her cell once more, willing her to pick up. At this point, I just want to know she’s safe. I have to know. I suddenly have a bad feeling about this. Something just doesn’t feel right. A roll over to my side, pulling her pillow to my chest and it smells just like her. It’s been forever since I’ve held her in my arms or loved her like she disserves. When she comes home, I’m going to change that. I will not fuck this up.

Time ticks away slowly and its 3a.m. and I think I must have dozed off before I feel the bed shift and roll over to see her sliding in, clad her typical tank top and shorts. It’s been forever and I honestly can’t wait to feel her skin against mine. I need to hold her, feel her, breath her in. She slides in on her side of the bed, covering herself up and rolling to her side in the usual position she sleeps in. She must not know I’m awake because time goes by and she hasn’t said a word to me. Should I be hurt that she hasn’t curled up against me? We always sleep spooned together, hearts beating as one. I’m tired of waiting so I move over, sliding my front against her back, wrapping my arms around her waist and whisper in her ear. “Hey sweetheart. I’ve missed you.” I feel her still in my embrace and something doesn’t feel right. She smells kind of like herself but I can’t quite place my finger on it, but it’s mixed with something that’s a mystery to me. Maybe I’ve been away too long. Her silence is confirmation that I’ve fucked up bad.

“You okay?” I ask. She moans, confirming that she’s fine I think, and curls more into herself. By now, I feel almost as if she’s trying to get away from me. “Tired.” she mumbles. So this is a different side of her, one I haven’t seen in a long time. I just came home from being away for weeks and is it selfish of me to expect a little more of a warm welcoming? I don’t want to fight tonight. I just want to be with her, even if it’s only to hold her as I sleep.

I run a soft kiss behind her ear, something I always do before we go to sleep. She doesn’t tremble like she used to. What the hell is going on? “Everything okay, Erin?” I ask, holding my breath. Silence. I swear, it feels like a year has ticked by before she answers me. I’m starting to doubt myself and all the times I’ve fucked up. Maybe it’s too much for her and things have changed. I can tell you one thing though, something is definitely missing. Her answer comes with a bit of an edge but not very loud. “No Joshua. Everything’s not okay, but I don’t want to talk about it right now.”

My heart drops down to my stomach and suddenly I am the worlds biggest ass. I know this is my fault. I should have called, should have made the time. Should have been not so damn selfish. I feel like worlds worst boyfriend right now. Why do we always hurt the ones we love the most? Is it inevitable or something? I’m never going to fall asleep now. I want to make things right but I have no idea how. She’s probably already sound asleep by now, not wanting to hear whatever I have to say. I’m going to make this right. I refuse to lose her. Erin is my everything. Right now the only thing I can do to calm my fears is pull her even closer to me. I lean over her and buss her forehead as I always do and feel her skin in contact with mine and it feels right, but something is missing. I’m going to make this right though. I’m an ass whole and I know it. I just hope my love is enough and that doesn’t give up on me. I need her, I need her so bad.

I whisper the only words I can right now, hoping that as she dreams they somehow reach her heart. “I’m sorry Erin, I’m so sorry baby.”

 Part Six-Quiet Confessions

Take all of your wasted honor

Every little passed frustration

Take all of your so called problems,

Better put them in quotations

Say what ya need to say

Justin’s POV

It’s just before dawn when my cell phone rings and without even glancing at it, I know it’s her. I just have that feeling. I knew JC would be home, that she’d laid in my arms for hours contemplating, beating herself up about if she should go back home and confess everything or if she should just stay with me. After some time of convincing, we both agreed that it’d be best to go home and be in the presence of her boyfriend to decide which way to go. I knew she felt bad, I knew she was hurting but I also knew a part of her had come alive again. I’m going to be honest and say it has for me too. I could sit here and call myself a bastard, as I’m sure I have and many people would think I was but with Erin, it’s different. I’d need so many words to explain my reasons.

I answer my phone and she’s got that soft edge on her voice. I can tell she’s anxious, maybe even a little nervous and I can’t help but smile, reassuring her. It’s not long before she creeps quietly into my room, and she’s laying in my arms once again. Her long brown hair spread out over my chest and her nose tucked against my neck. I can’t put into words why this feels so right. I have a girlfriend, one who I thought I loved but it’s never been like this, not like it is with Erin. Her heart beat has steadied now, and I’d like to think I had something to do with that seeing how I’m run my hand up and down her back softly. She told me sleeping next to JC had been the hardest thing she had done and she could feel every inch of distance between them and she knew it was there long before she agreed to come with me. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that the second he left once again to promote his album, that’d she’d come directly to me.

I go through bouts of feeling guilty, like a horrible untrusting ass whole but each second that goes by, it gets a little easier. For some reason, Erin makes it all right. I will admit that I’m human, that I’ve sinned a lot in my life and this one is probably the icing on the cake. She’s more addicting than any drug I’ve touched, more intoxication than the finest wines and liquors I’ve gotten drunk off of. She’s just, I don’t even know what to say. Sex is something I’ve rediscovered. I’ve had my fare share of women, yes everyone thinks I’m a man whore but everything in the past doesn’t mean a thing until it gets this good. Erin is amazing. Her skin feels softer then anything I’ve ever touched. Her kisses steal the breath out of me and her hands on my skin feel something next to what silk would resemble. She’s got this persona in bed that amazes me. One moment she wants it a little more on the rougher side, then the next she wants it slow and sweet.

I realize now that I’m going to have to make up for every time Jace fucked up and did her wrong. I understand that she needs to be healed, I’m just amazed she chose me. I’m willing to try this, to see where it can go. I don’t want to say the words yet because I don’t want to freak her out but it’s so hard not to. I never thought I’d be one of those guys, sucked into some happy go lucky fairy tale, but here I am with this shit eating grin that I cannot seem to wipe off my face. I’m trying to remember my passed girlfriends, my current girlfriend and the now and theirs just no happy medium. I might be jumping to conclusions here, as we haven’t even spoke of where we stood yet. She came back to me, but we’re still fully clothed. I’m trying not to reminisce the handful of times we had sex last night, the times I cried out from the raw pleasure of what we did. She hasn’t given any sign that she wanted me that way, and that’s fine. I can offer her comfort because I know she’s hurting. Who wouldn’t be? We both just cheated on people we’ve been with for years, people we thought we loved. It’s all starting to sink in. I have to face of my best friend, might as well be my flesh and blood. The realization almost sickens me. I take a few deep breaths,  trying to calm the bitter taste of guilt as Erin’s arms tighten around me, and suddenly, it’s not so bad.

It’s not long before her soft lips are nipping at my neck, soothing the bites with her tongue and I can tell she’s got something on her mind. Her hands are all over me now, running up and down my chest, her nails grazing over my nipples and I can’t help but gasp. It feels so good when she does that. She’s taking control now, sitting up on top of me and off comes her shirt. I should have known better that she wouldn’t have anything on underneath it. She came ready for sex and I am more than happy to give it to her. My hands trail up to cup her breasts, and she moans, tilting her head back and her long hair tickles my stomach. My shirt is quickly discarded, having already been bunched up as far as it could go. The only thing between us now is the thin pair of shorts we’re both wearing. I’ve never hated clothing more then I  do at this moment. All I want to do is be skin to skin with her, moving inside of her to that delicious brink we both know we’ll meet.

She finally reaches down to kiss me, softly at first but then she takes on a rougher touch. If she wants it that way, then that’s how I’m going to give it. She nips at my lips as I hold on to her jaw, kissing her back. My hand moves to her other breast, treating it with the same attention as the other. It’s not till my thumb grazes over her nipple several times that she gasps into my mouth and I take the opportunity to push my tongue inside her sweet lips. I investigate every crevice, tasting her moans as our mouths move together. She tastes different then what I’m used to. Perhaps it should be a warning, something forbidden but I want this, I want Erin. She’s so, god she’s so addicting. I moan into her mouth loudly, and I pinch my eyes shut as I feel her soft but sure hands reach into my shorts, grasping me firmly. I swear her hands were made for raw sexual pleasure. Wonderfully delicious sexual pleasure. She knows just the right grasp, the right speed. I have to stop her now or this wont last long and I’m not going to let that happen. I want to come with her, inside of her.

I pull apart from her kiss, tucking her hair behind her ears and her eyes are so vivid next to mine. “Baby, stop. I want us both to enjoy this.” She nods, trying to pull my shorts off. My eager hands are right there, trying to help her as we finally get them down past my hips and I kick them the rest of the way off. Now our only goal is shedding hers. She stands up a little bit, her hands hanging on to the head board as I take a moment to memorize the slender feel of her hips, doing my best not to seem like a horny boy.  I rekindle my thoughts, knowing she wants this just as bad, that this sexual haze we’re in has become an addiction. She’s an addiction. I finally strip her free of all clothing as she comes back down, straddling my thighs. The skin to skin contact is almost to much and I’m thinking right now that I never want to move.  I pull her back down, her eyes glazed over and turned on, burning into mine as I capture her lips again. My hearts pounding and I cannot remember wanting something as much than I do at this moment.  The things this woman does to me. My body is on fire, her breasts laying cool against my hot skin and all I can think is how bad I need her right now. “Erin, please honey. I need you so bad right now.” She nods, lifting her body again as I position my self where I need to be. She comes back down, letting me fill her slowly and I honestly think right here and now I might die. Her body feels so good, so real and all the nerve endings inside me become alive.

We both moan in usion, enjoying our joining as she begins to move carefully. My breathing quickens as I look up at Erin’s face, eyes squeezed shut, bottom lip gently between her teeth and she looks amazing. Part of me feels like my body was made specifically for her, that even the circumstances, things were meant to be this way. She leans up a little, placing her palms on my chest for leverage and I quickly grab her hands in my own, lacing our fingers together as I begin to move with her, thrusting up into her downward movements. It’s getting to be too much, even though nothing is to much with her it seems. That familiar tingle is approaching, one that I’ve only had with Erin and I’m reaching for it as fast as i can. I watch her, memorizing her, looking for some kind of sign that she’s almost there, that she’s going to meet me in the end and we’ll come crashing down together. She gasps a little, nipping at my neck, I can tell she’s almost there. “Justin, baby, please, hurry.”

I speed up, kissing her in response. “I’m there Erin, just go with it. Feel me honey.” Our movements become quicker, erratic and I’m ready to feel it. Our skin is glazed with a think layer of sweat, as we move towards that blissful crash. Her eyes lock with mine, green meeting blue as she leans down to place a hungry kiss on my lips and I feel her body go ridged in my arms. I taste her moan on my tongue as I follow her shortly after, my body pressed tightly into hers as I let the wave ride through me. I feel it all the way down to my toes as I yell out, a sound that only comes from raw sexual pleasure. She’s laying fully against me again, her body pressed against mine from head to toe, slowly shaking from the after math of what just happened. Her pants meet with mine as our breath lingers and my hand cups her jaw. What I’m feeling right now is so strong, so overwhelming and I’m trying to sort out these words before they leave my tongue.

I may be basking in that feeling that only comes from sex, the really good kind, but my mind tells me otherwise. She’s moved to what seems like her favorite spot, tucked in the crook of my neck but she hasn’t said anything. Her pants are getting quieter, coming in what sounds like a soft hum. It’s a beautiful sound, just like she is. Call me cheesy but right now, she’s everything. Right now, I can’t stop the words from coming out of my mouth. “God, Erin. I love you.”

It’s like an alarm went off in my head as soon as I said that and I wanted to kick myself, punch myself in the face even. I feel her go ridged in my arms, her grasp loosens as she rolls away from me just before I feel the splash of what can only be a tear hit my chest. Shit, I’ve really fucked up now. I don’t know how the hell to dig myself out of this. Was she only looking for an affair or was she running scared? Was this really happening? I watch her reach for her clothes, pulling them on quickly. She still hasn’t said anything. I sit up, moving over to her as I place a careful hand on her shoulder. She moves away from me, as though I’ve burned her with my touch and the look that meets my gaze says so many things. “Love me? Are you kidding me Justin? I don’t even know what the hell I’m doing here. Jace doesn’t deserve this. And you have a fucking girlfriend, and you’re sitting there telling me this? I have to get out of here.”

I’d be lying if I said that right here I wasn’t livid. I think I did a complete three sixty from having some of the best sex I’ve ever had to wanting to punch a whole in the wall. It all came crashing down on me and it felt heavy as hell. Still a part of me knew she was running scared. Regardless of what she was going to admit, we’d made an intimate connection just moments ago. My body locked in hers, her heart pressed against mine, our fingers locked together. Leave it to me to sound like a fucking girl but regardless, I felt it. “Erin, you can’t tell me you don’t feel anything between us.”

 She looked back at me as she stood, sliding into her flip flops, her hair mused from my fingers. “I just can’t answer anything right now Justin. Not till I get myself straightened out and figure out what the hell just happened.”

And with that, she turned at walked out of my bedroom. I choked back my tears until I heard the front door slam shut. If what we were doing was so wrong then why the hell did it hurt so damn much to watch her walk away? I suddenly felt like karma was biting me in the ass and let me tell you this, it stung like a bitch.



 

Erin’s POV


I’m dripping with sweat.

I take a deep breath, in through my nose, out through my mouth. I’m running, sweating my ass off. Ten more minutes on this damn treadmill. I can do it. It’s like I’ve got something to prove and by god, I’m going to do it. I’m hoping, wishing even, that this work out will just for once take my mind off the whirl wind it’s been on in the past month because right now, I don’t want to think that. My hearts pounding, my skin is clammy and I can only concentrate on one thing and one thing only. Running towards that three mile goal that I’ve set for myself. Working out is something I feed off of. It makes me feel good and like I said, right now I’m somewhere else.

I’m not with Justin, or JC at the moment. I’m with myself- my own thoughts, my own problems and it’s here where I sort them out. I don’t know why but it’s now when my mind seems to clear out in front of me and trust me, I’ve got plenty to sort out.

I’m almost there, and I can’t freaking breathe right now. I just got a drop of sweat in my eye, even though my hair is pulled back in a pony tail, this burns if I might add. I reach for my gym towel and blot my face, carefully wiping off my eye. Give me two more minutes and I’ve got this. I continue running, then once I reach my three mile limit, I jump off the treadmill, my legs feeling like jello and I take a long draw from my water bottle. I turn my ipod, removing the headphones from my ears. I hunch my back, palms going to my knees and I’m trying so hard to breath. As much as this hurts, it feels good too. It’s an odd kind of good.

I’m standing here, hunched over, trying to get air into my chest when I feel arms snake around my sweaty waste and I nearly scream at the top of my lungs.

“Holy shit, Jace! You scared the shit out of me!” I yell, as I turn to see him standing there, blue eyes smiling brightly, and a bouquet of the prettiest wild flowers I’ve ever seen.

Ok, so maybe I’m not somewhere else, when I have a gym in my home. Well, my boyfriends home, or our home- whatever.

He steps back a second, before enveloping me in his arms and rubbing my back softly. I try so hard not to melt into his touch but something’s different right now and it’s taking me over. “I’m sorry babe. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

I pull back, guilt rushing over me. I want to erase everything and start all over. I can’t do this. I’m sick of feeling one thing one moment and the complete opposite the next. I want off of this sick rollercoaster. Something tells me it’s not healthy. Suddenly my face softens and I smiled at him and I reach for the flowers, smiling as I smell them.  One of his large hands comes up to cup my face and I turn in his embrace, my cheek tingling like it once used to and it’s all too much right now. How do I tell him that I slept with his best friend? How do I tell him that for the passed four years that I loved him, have pretty much been destroyed. I can’t bare to see his face hurt, to look into his deep blue eyes and see a somber shade of gray. I just can’t do it.

I gather my pride, my dignity and my love for this man and I swallow this bitter taste that settles in my mouth. In the end, I’m probably going to end up alone. Not only have I probably ended a long friendship between two men who are like brothers, I’ve torn my heart to shreds in the process. I told myself I’d never be one of those women who cheat, who have to have their cake and eat it too and that’s exactly what I am. I’m not proud of it and I won’t blame JC for this but it was a two sided relationship and I took the short end of the stick in the end. Sometimes the world can be such a cruel fucked up place.

I’ve got two options right here and now. Number one would be to tell him the truth, to forget that he’s standing here, nuzzling my face like he always used to do when he’d been gone for long bouts of time, swallow the lump in my throat and tell him that I’ve betrayed him, that through all the time he’s been gone I’ve felt neglected, unloved and not important in his life and I’ve slept with his best friend. One quick rip of a band aid, and it’s over. Or I can stand here, hug him back, smile like I’ve missed the hell out of him, attack his gorgeous face with kisses and just forget this whole mess happened.

But all cheating aside, I’m better then that.

I pull back, leaving his embrace, willing his hands to not touch me. I have to do this. I’m not a coward and I won’t live my life in this sick and twisted whatever-you-want to call it. I owe it to him to tell my boyfriend that I’ve ruined everything. I try to swallow but suddenly my mouth feels like cotton. All the saliva has vanished and it’s hard to find my words, but I have to do this. The clock is ticking.

“Jace, we need to talk.”

He looks at me, his eyes full of question but nods, trying to grab my hand. I dodge his grasp and continue. “This isn’t easy for me to say but I’ve got to do it.”

His brows move together, and I can tell right now he’s really confused. “It’s me babe. You can say whatever you need to. I’m here.”

Damnit, I hate that when he calls me babe, my heart skips a beat. I once thought any physical reaction had died out but it hasn’t and the reality of what I’ve done hurts even worse right now. How the hell could I have done this to him? To us?

Here goes nothing. “You’ve been gone a lot and I’ve missed you. Things have changed. I tried to deal with it, tried to-.” I say before I’m interrupted by his god-for-saken blackberry chirping loudly in the pocket of his cargo pants. He holds a hand up, apologetically, before he turns his back to me and takes the call.

I shake my head, suddenly not feeling as guilty and now it’s easier to breath and I can easily swallow now. I grab my bottle of water and my ipod and leave the room that he’d set up as a home gym and make my way to our bathroom to shower. I don’t want to be around him right now. If he can’t listen to me for five damn minutes, I’m not going to bust my ass to tell him this unfortunate news.

I quickly undress, turning on the taps and waiting for the water to warm before stepping in to the shower. I sigh as I let the steam and warmth pound gently onto my skin and relax my aching muscles. I’m tense as hell and on the brink of a breakdown. I can feel it. Every nerve inside of me is twisted to the max, full of stress, my body racked thickly with guilt, a guilt I’m not sure I should even feel but I do. I’m one of those people who’d feel something for a stranger if they were hurt so this would be no different. Especially since I loved this man, parts of me still do but right now, they’re bruised to the max.

I reach for the shampoo, squirting some into my hair before lathering it thickly and then rinsing. I stand there, listening to the sound of the water meeting the tile floor, the sound almost relaxing as it drowns out the thoughts skittering through my mind. I wish I could start over. I wish I’d had just told him that his being away bothered me. I wish that Justin had never looked at me as though I was the only woman on the planet, making me something I hadn’t felt in years. I wish I hadn’t went with him that day, that I had said no the day he’d kissed me. That I wouldn’t have been so vulnerable and that Jace had been there for me, to love me the way I deserve.

I forget my thoughts, once again, wishing for once my mind would just shut the heck up. I’ve spent days, minuets, seconds analyzing all of this and nothing is making any sense right now. I grab my loofah and body wash and try to wash myself of any traces of Justin. It’s been days since I’ve been with him but the picture of his face isn’t far from my minds eye. I just want to forget this. A part of me wonders what I’m still doing here. Why didn’t I just leave? I did the damage, therefore it was my job to move on elsewhere. I don’t know what’s keeping me. My home is here with JC, my whole life built around it. My comfort and my things that make me feel at home. Too bad he’s usually missing from that puzzle piece.

Once I’m done, I step out of the shower and reach for a towel and almost scream out loud at the vision of JC sitting there on the toilet, head hung low waiting for me. I suddenly feel awkward standing in front of him like this, naked. It’s been so damn long. I mentally curse myself again as his intense scare causes good bumps to form on my skin and I know it’s not because I’m freezing. I wrap the towel around me tightly, tucking it into one side. He licks his lips, still staring at me and I don’t have a good feeling about any of this right now.

He comes up behind me, as I stand in front of the sink, wiping down the steam that’s covering the mirror and begin to comb through my hair. One of his big hand palms my side and his breath is right by my neck. “I’m sorry about earlier. I didn’t mean to interrupt you. I shut my phone off though so I‘m all ears.”

He tucks his chin on my shoulder an watches me, something he always used to do while I got ready after my shower. It almost hurts me to tell him this but I’ve got to do it. I lay the brush down, and turn facing him. His hands immediately going to cup my face and I bite my lip. I can not give in right now. A touch doesn’t make up for the lack of time you’re there for someone you’re suppose to love. I look up at him, his eyes shining brightly and I can tell I have his full attention right now. I can’t even look him in the eye because I know once I do, I’ll crumble. Why? Because his eyes are the one thing made me fall for this man. I swear I could get lost in them. They chance color with his mood. I’ve never seen eyes such a shade of blue before. They go dark and gray when he’s upset too and I don’t want to be that person.

“Can I get dressed first?” I ask, trying to side step his touch. He nods but doesn’t let go. Instead he leans forward and captures his lips with mine in a sweet, lingering kiss. I will not give in, I will not give in, repeats over and over in my head. This man and his lips, his touch, are going to be the death of me. I try to pull away but he comes back in, hands coming up to cup my head and I gasp and that was my first mistake. His tongue dives in, tasting with mine shyly and I can’t help but to feel the constant thudding in my heart. It’s just like it used to be, he tastes the same, my skin is reacting to his touch, the way it once did. Before I know it, he’s backed me up against the sink, his hands coming softly to my hips before hoisting me up on the sink and pulling my towel up to my thighs so he can make room for himself between them.

He pulls back from my lips finally, his head coming down to buss mine before he smiles down at me genuinely. “I’ve missed you Eirbear.” Shit. My heart is thudding loudly in my ears as I hear him say that damn nick name. He’s been calling me that for years and each time I hear it, I fall more and more in love with him. It’s evident at that moment that I’ve never actually fallen out of love with him but the revelation that I cheated is less then quiet.

“I’ve missed to too Jace. You have no idea how much.” I say as I look into his eyes, which is my first mistake. I take a deep breath. “But things have changed.”

He looks at me confused. “I know I haven’t been home much and I’m sorry. You know promoting this album could make or break me.” I nod in agreement, wanting nothing more than for this CD to be his big comeback. He deserves it so much. He grabs my small shaking hands in his, lacing our fingers together. “I know I haven’t called much and that’s all going to change. I’ve had time to think about it, about what an ass I’ve been and I know you deserve so much better. I promise I’m going to make it up to you sweetheart.”

I close my eyes and fight back the tears but it’s too late. They’re already slipping down my cheeks freely and I don’t even attempt to wipe them away because in the end, I know they’re going to keep coming. It’s everything I’ve wanted to hear for a long time now, escaping his soft lips. Everything I’ve tossed and turned over, that I’ve contemplated and hoped for but it’s too late and it’s all my fault. I wanted him to realize what he was doing to me mentally, that in the end it all hurts when the one that suppose to love you, can’t even take the time to call you when he’s gone. The words have almost no meaning now because I’ve fucked everything up. God I hate myself sometimes.

He’s looking down at me now, eyes full of concern before I feel the tips of his fingers trying to brush away but I can’t stand it. I push them away and stand up, away from him in the spacious bathroom and walk into our adjoining bedroom. He’s following me, hot on my heels as I reach into my dresser drawer and pull out a pair of panties and pull them on in one swift motion. I reach for a t-shirt and a pair of cut off shorts and toss them on the bed, walking to it and begin drying off and dressing and my tears haven’t stopped yet. Their still flowing freely full of guilt, heavy on my skin. JC comes up behind me, his hands on my shoulders rubbing slow circles and it’s just too much.

“What is it, Erin?” he asks pleadingly. I take a deep breath, not wanting to be a big wimp and sit there and play the ‘poor me’ card. I did this on my own, in full daylight without a drop of alcohol or a milligram of drugs in my system so I have to stand up and face this. Rip off the band aid, I tell myself. I’m trying to be strong, to just do this but a part of me knows I’ll have to leave after. I’ll have to walk away from everything I once knew and everything in this home I’ve built the foundation of my dreams on with this man. In the end, I’ll end up alone.

I pull away from him once again, thinking that feeling his touch on me will burn my skin and I’ll be covered in that horrible feeling of guilt. I know though, that as I stand here confessing this to him, bawling my eyes out and crumbling that his arms around me are the one thing that I’ll need but it can’t be that way, not this time. I did this to myself. I feel him shuffle not far behind me, but he’s keeping his distance and I look back to see he’s got his hands shoved in the pockets of his pants, eyes wide and waiting. “Whatever it is, we can fix it.” he says and I smile to myself wishing that were true but I know it’s not.

I turn to look at him, not taking a step closer and urging him to stay where he is. All it will take is one tiny whiff of his scent or one soft touch of his hand and I’ll crumble, more than I already am right now. “You can’t always fix things, Jace.”

He looks like he’s strong in thought. “Why don’t you just tell me what it is and we’ll go from there. Come on honey, you’re scaring me here.”

I shake my head but nod at him. I’m scaring myself. “I don’t want to say the words.” I feel like my throat is closing up right now, and once again, all the saliva in my mouth is gone and it resembles the feeling of cotton. How the hell did I get myself into this mess?  My palms are beginning to sweat as my fists are clutched tight and my nails are digging into my skin. I can see he’s getting nervous now and it almost makes me want to confess this with my eyes closed, doing everything in my power not to see somber shade of gray his eyes will turn to. I really hate myself.
“Just say it Erin.” He moves to walk towards me but my hand goes up and I stop him.

“Don’t Jace. I promise you’ll hate me when I’m finished.”

He looks at me, eyes widely and I can see he’s almost in shock right now. “Hate you? Erin, what the hell are you talking about? I’m in love with you.”

My lips tremble, eyes still pouring tears freely and I just stare at him, looking blankly. He stares back and his face goes blank and I think he knows. “Did you-.”

He’s cut off by my burst of fresh tears but these aren’t silent. They’re brought on by a loud sob as it’s all too much and it racks my body roughly. He has to know now. I hiccup, trying to find my breath and I know now that the confession will come out. It’s all over. Everything I built up with him, the highs and the lows all boil down to this one moment. I’m about to crush the man I love. I look down, my head hanging low in shame and I don’t have to look to know his eyes are probably red right now, burning with tears. I’ve never hated myself more than at this moment. I gather what little pride I can find but it’s not much at all, just enough to find the words that come softly from my lips, but loud enough for him to hear. “I slept with Justin.”

Bittersweet Revelation- Part ten

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And give me a break
I'll keep us together

Erin's POV

I think that nod I gave him tore Josh apart. I still can’t believe the words myself. I’m sitting here, trying to piece things together, little by little. I know where babies come from but in light of the recent events, my mind is like a ticking bomb. I still hate myself and probably will for a long time but I’m trying to wrap my brain around the fact that I am going to be a mother.

I’ve always wanted children, always wanted that special bond with my husband but apparently things don’t always turn out the way you plan. Not only am I not married, I’ve just cheated on the man I’ve been with for the last three years. Like I said, I hate myself. I love Josh and always will, no matter what. In light of all of these events, I can’t sit here and blame him for the fact that I slept with another man because we all choose our own actions. I’m not anywhere near perfect, and neither is Jace or Justin for that matter. I almost cringe at the thought of Justin. I don’t want to rehash that part of my life ever again.

I believe that mostly everything happens for a reason, and I believe that mistakes can eventually be forgiven even if they’re not forgotten. I’m trying so hard right now to see a light at the end of the tunnel but at the moment, it’s looking like it might be a long time coming. It’s honestly hard to breath, the more I think about things. I’m going to be a mother-- yes, I’ll say it again because I’m still not comprehending things entirely. A child is going to rely on me for the rest of it’s life to keep it safe and warm, to feed it and cloth it and most of all, love it. I almost want to cry  because right at this moment, I don’t even know how to love myself. What’s he or she going to think of a mother who has screwed everything up and I’ll be the reason my baby doesn’t have a father. No one will every want to marry me. I wouldn’t want to marry myself.

I know that things have the potential to look up and that anything is possible, but it’s going to take some time. I’m still sitting here in this hospital bed, decked out in your typical pale blue gown, IV taped to my hand and I feel as though I’ve been ran over by a train. Silence seems to be the only word to describe what’s going on in here because ever since I told Jace that I was pregnant, he nor I have said a word.

I think I needed time to take it in, before I curl up into a ball and will myself to disappear. It’s almost too much now and I have to think of somehow to start a conversation. He fell slowly in the chair beside my bed and I swear his face turned about five shades of yellow. I don’t know which was worse-- watching his face drop or feeling him let go of my hand that he had held so securely. I’ve said it before but there’s something about JC’s touch that holds me together. He’s got this firm grasp that has always reassured me that everything’s going to be alright and with him, I’ve always believed it. When he let go, my lip did tremble and I couldn’t hold back the tears flooding in my eyes. A little piece of my strength had faded away.

Bravely I look over at him, wishing him to look at me- for any sort of acknowledgment because right now, I need him more than ever. I know what he wants to know, what he’s thinking right now but I want to know what he’s feeling. I know he’s thinking the worst. I lay my head back against the pillow, suddenly feeling uncomfortable in my own skin but we need to have this conversation.

“Jace…” I call softly as he looks over at me, his blue eyes look nothing but lost.

He shifts in his seat, bringing his elbows down to rest on the top of his thighs, his hands folded together. I can tell he has so many things to say and even more things to ask. I need to hurry this up, if only my mouth didn’t feel like cotton. It’s so hard to talk.

I choose my words carefully. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”  He shifts again, before taking a deep breath and the air that he releases is unsteady, and the voice that comes out even more so then that.

“It’s Justin’s isn’t it?”

And there it is, the one question that I was waiting for. He’s assumed the worst, but I can’t really blame him. Guys are so dense sometimes. I knew my body better than anyone else but it still doesn’t make the theory of the situation any better. This is so far from the way I had planned to tell my baby’s father that we were going to have a child. I tuck my hair behind my ears, something I’ve done for years in a nervous habit and I sit up, pulling the blanket that’s in my lap tighter around me.

All it took was one word to make lift his head, to get his full attention and feel his eyes boring back into mine. “No.”

I voice was firm and sure and it’s right now that the reality of all of this doesn’t sucker punch me in the gut. And this too shall pass.. His eyes are full of wonder and I might even see a little bit of hope in there, even if it’s a small glimmer, it’s something.

“It’s not? You- you’re sure?”

I nod steadily, and I almost burst into tears when he stands up, his hand reaching out and then quickly pulling it back. I can tell he’s not ready to believe anything for sure just yet.  He rubs the back of his head anxiously and I’ve witnessed this move so many times that I’ve lost count. He can be so insecure in himself.

“Yes Jace. I’m already three and a half months along.”

I hear him let out a small whoosh of relief and he actually does sit down beside me on the bed this time. His hand timidly reaches for mine but he doesn’t take it in his, but only rests it on top of mine.  “This thing with Justin?”

I know what he wants to know. Men can be incredibly dumb when it comes to the human body but in light of things, he deserves a small run down.

“This thing with Justin is what you just said. A thing. It’s over. I slept with him twice Joshua, less than a week ago. I was also still on birth control and I’m not dumb. I used protection. I’m one hundred and fifty percent sure that three and a half months ago you were the only one I was sleeping with. In fact, I can recall the exact night this happened.”

He pulls back a little, looking down at me and I know he’s wondering how in the world I know this. Like I said, there are some things women just know, especially when it comes to their own body.

“You know when it happened?” His voice doesn’t sound so shaky but I know he’s trying to hold it together.

I nod and grab a hold of his hand, taking him by surprise as I lace our fingers together, amazed by how effortlessly they fit. Suddenly a big wave of confidence floods through me and I use this moment to tell him, remembering it fondly.

“Yes. You had meetings that week and we had been busy as heck, going from one place to the next. The alarm had went off late that morning so we were rushing around and left in a hurry and I had forgot to take my birth control. We had got back that night were both burnt out and stressed  and I went right to bed and you went to your studio. I had woke up at like three a.m. and you still hadn’t come to bed so I went down to check on you.”

He smiled shyly, his head moving to look down at our hands joined together. His voice comes out soft but sure and this time it doesn’t crack or tremble. “I remember.”

“It was different that night Jace. I know you’d been busy and I understood but it was like it was just you and I just for that night. I felt you, almost re-learned your body. It had been so long since we laid together, talking, feeling, making love.”

His eyes dropped a little. “I know I was a lousy boyfriend, Erin and I’m so sorry for that. I have nothing to defend my actions with other then I buried myself in my career and I hate that about myself. I don’t want you to think that I didn’t know you were there though. I remember that night vividly.”  He picked up our joined hands and kissed my knuckles softly. “You came down wearing one of my t-shirts, looking gorgeous like you always do. I had asked you to listen to a track I had just finished and when it was over, I saw something in your eyes. One kiss led to a million more and it wasn’t long before we were crashing down together in that sweet release that I’ve only known with you.”

“Things weren’t always like this Jace. Your love for music what I love about you the most. Your dedicated. Music is just who you are. I should have understood better.”

He shook his head. “Don’t blame yourself anymore, Erin. It took two people to bring us to this point.”

What I wanted to say next seriously made me nervous and I second guessed it before I decided that things had already been at their worst. Now was not the time to hold things back. “”Being pregnant never even crossed my mind but in a way it makes a little sense. I know this doesn’t make anything better but it explains why my emotions and hormones were out of whack, why I was missing you so much.”
“Which makes me even more of an ass hole for not  being there for you.”  

I shook my head at his wounded state. We could sit here and play the blame game forever and it would get us no where. It felt better to see eye to eye though and with each word we spoke, it became a little easier to breath again. “Stop it Jace. We could sit and do this until we are blue in the face.”

He let out a frustrated sigh. “I know. It doesn‘t make me feel any better though. I mean if I‘d just been less of a selfish bastard and been there for you, none of this would have happened.”

I shook my head and reached up to cup his jaw, willing his eyes to look into mine. He looked sad and guilty and it almost made me forgot what I had done. Almost. “I think it’s safe to say that neither of us are perfect and we both know that. We can either moved past it or we can sit and go over this a million more times but it won’t do any good. I’m sorry for what I did and I know you are to, so leave it at that. I know it’s a long shot to ask you to forgive me  but-.”

He cut me off, one of his big warm hands coming to trap over mine on his face. He held it still, nuzzling his cheek into my palm. “I do, Erin. I really do. In no way do I think what you did was forgivable but it was partially my fault. It’s going to take some time but I’m going to move past this as long as you promise me that you’ll help me be the guy I once was. One who put you before me, who paid attention, who listened, who took time to love.”

I really did break down after he said that and part of me wondered if my hormones were going insane again. I cringed a little knowing I still had five and a half months of this left. Truth be told, I wanted my baby to have a father and I wanted that love that comes with having a family. Things started to look a little more clear and it didn’t’ seem that the light at the end of the tunnel was that far away but I wasn’t laying money on it. One step at a time. “Then I forgive you Jace. And I’ll give you time because I know we both need it. I know if you want, you can be that guy again.”

He placed his hand on my stomach gently, rubbing in slow circles and dipped his head down. When he looked back up, I swore I could see the shining of tears but I knew he was too brave to let them free. “We’re having a baby, Erin!”

Was he saying he wanted to do this together? Did he mean as friends because we were having a child together or as a family as we had once planned? There were still so many hurtles to get past. “You want to try this again? You‘re album-”

He nodded, as his hands went back to mine, holding them. “I think we owe it to each other to try this and my album can wait. I think some things are more important. I think we also owe it to our child. I know with time and understanding, we can get back to that place again, to where things were good. I never let go of all of the times we talked about having a family. I think we could do it.”

I stood up with confidence and everything seemed to make sense at that moment. “I know we can, Jace. We’re pretty strong, even when we’re weak.”

He smiled, looking down at me before his forehead bussed mine and then kissed it softly. We were quickly interrupted and the moment had past as someone came into my room insisting on doing an ultrasound right then and there. As they shifted me and lifted my gown, JC seemed like he was in the way so he stepped back. The moment I felt his hand leave mine, I snatched it back, giving him a look of fear and I knew he understood. He crouched down beside me, his hand coming to mine lacing our fingers together before kissing the side of my face, right in the corner of my eye. I may have been a grown woman but I was still scared. I had never been pregnant before.

Once they got everything set up, it wasn’t long before the doctor had flipped off the lights and began typing away at his computer. Once the invasive probe was put inside of me, he turned the screen towards us and clear as ever, was our baby staring back at us. I had expected to see a tiny dot, like a grain of rice but it was ten times better than that. The doctor pointed out all of the visible body parts, from the baby’s spine, to it’s eyes, arms and legs. I guess I forgot how easy things were to see, once you had reached a certain point in a pregnancy. We watched as the doctor moved around on the computer, doing all of the proper measuring and what not. It was almost too much to take in. I was going to a mother.

“Everything looks good. Baby is healthy and active. Heart rate is normal as well as the size.”  

I nodded, as he removed everything from me before covering me back up and taking the ultrasound machine, flipping on the lights and leaving the room. I looked over at JC, his eyes now visible with tears and I knew at that moment, that things were going to work out. They had to. If I couldn’t find the strength to do it for myself, I’d do it for my baby. My eyes mirrored his with tears, as I brought my hand up his eyes to brush them gently with my finger tips.

“You okay?”

He swallowed thickly, before nodding and leaning down to kiss me. It was foreign at first, not expecting him to want to kiss me so soon but my heart skipped a beat when he did so and those tingles I once knew came flooding back. “I’m great. I’m just trying to put this all together. We’re having a baby, Erin.”

I nodded, knowing exactly what he meant. This was going to be a big adjustment for the both of us, among rebuilding what we had once lost but the size of the smile that was slowly creeping upon his lips gave me that feeling again that everything was going to be okay. He grasped my hand once again, strong and firm and I couldn’t hold the tears in any longer, letting them once again fall freely down my cheeks. This time wasn’t like the others though. These were emotions I hadn’t had yet since finding out that I was pregnant just moments before.  Scared to death was now replaced with delicate waves of reassurance and  I had little visions of what all the future would hold and with my hand placed firmly in the hand of the man beside me, it made everything that much more easy to deal with. Regardless of our mistakes hovering in the shadows, it made me see the possibility of a future and he was standing right there smiling back at me, and behind him was the light at the end of the tunnel.

Bittersweet Revelation
Part eleven

I'm sinking to the bottom of my
Everything that freaks me out
The lighthouse beam has just run out
I'm cold as cold as cold can be

Justin’s POV

I feel like it’s been forever since I’ve stopped to look at the world around me. It all seems to come and go pretty fast and then before you know it, it’s all blurred by and you don’t know where it ends and where you begin. It’s been a while now since whatever happened between Erin and I went down and I can honestly say that I miss her. As wrong and as cruel as it was, a part of me misses the most random things. I guess since I’ve had more than my fare share of one night stands and girlfriends that she out of all people would mean the least to me but that’s just not the case here.

I’ve known the girl- or excuse me- woman, forever and I’ve seen her at her best and at her worst. I miss most of all the way she’d lay against me as she slept and hang on as though I was going to escape her at some point. My girlfriend always slept away from me so it was something I guess I craved. Closeness seemed to but such a simple, diminutive thing but I’ve come to need it almost. And then there’s the fact that JC didn’t recognize what he had when she was standing right in front of him, infuriated me beyond my means. The mans always been pretty level head as well as a little sensitive and I guess I was completely blind sided when Erin confessed this to me. I know I saw little things on my own between the two of them but I figured it was just stress of JC constantly working on his album. It always seems to get in the way but they’d always bounce right back. I couldn’t help but wonder though, if I had met her first, where things might have been.

Erin is beautiful in so many ways. She’s got the best sense of humor than anyone I’ve ever met, she’s easy going, good natured, multi-talented and one of the sweetest people you’d ever have the pleasure of knowing. She listens when you need her and she’s just very down to earth. I hate myself when I wish  that maybe she was mine. I hate it when I lie awake at night and hope she’d come back to me and  know I could be the better man. It’s not about winning, it’s about who you feel you’re suppose to be with.

I don’t know whether I should call her. I know that JC had come home and from the looks of it, she was broken and hurt and wanted to try and fix things with him. He’s a pretty reasonable guy, although sometimes kind of dense with women, I’d bet that he forgave her. Erin used to be his everything. At least I thought she was. How he’d claim to love her and then be gone forever without more than the quick 2 second phone call is beyond me.

 I don’t know how I’m ever going to face him after this and I know things will probably never going to be the same. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again that I, Justin Timberlake am one of the biggest assholes in the world. I have no excuses for what I did and no sorry, pathetic story. I saw Erin in front of me, vulnerable and beautiful at the same time and I went with my instincts and I got what I thought we both wanted.  This in all honesty, had nothing to do with Jace. It wasn’t about winning, nor was it about trying to over power him and fill those spots he’d neglected to do. It was just sort of like a magnet, drawing me to Erin and when she accepted, there was no turning back.

There is no part of me that feels good about this, but in the end, it is what it is and I can’t go back and change things. I haven’t spoken to my girlfriend in a few days-no wait, it’s been weeks and though she knows we’re both super busy 99% of the time, this is just a little off. I think she deserves to know about this, even though it probably won’t happen again, with Erin at least. I can’t guarantee that I’ll never cheat again because the reality of it is, that I’m a selfish bastard and if theirs trouble within a ten foot radius, I’m probably going to find it. End of story. I really need to look around and reassess my life and find out what the hell I really want. I’ve won dozen of awards, toured the country and have had my fare share of women left and right. I’ve partied with some of the biggest names in Hollywood, sipped the finest drinks and had my fix of the best drugs you can get your hands on and what am I left with in the end? Nothing. Hollywood is not all it’s cracked up to be and neither is my life.

If I were honest to myself, I’d tell anyone the truth and that truth is that I’m lonely. Having everything really doesn’t mean jack shit. We’re all put on this earth to live, to breath, to succeed and to love. I’ve gone over this argument about fifty times in my head, telling myself that it was wrong, that I have to be the biggest prick in the history of pricks to sleep with my best friends girlfriend but a part of me misses her. What if it wasn’t wrong? What if Erin is the one I was meant to wonder this earth with? I’m not drunk, nor am I under the influence of drugs of any type. I’m thinking clearly and I’m so fucking sick of the words “what if.”

A part of me thinks that this might be karma, for all of the times I’ve done wrong and abused the physical aspect of sex. Well I wouldn’t necessarily say ‘abused.’ I’ve never forced a woman to sleep with me if she didn’t want to but I use the term in the sense that I wasn’t always in love with them. Sometimes guys are jackasses and think with body parts only in the southern region and don’t connect the emotional aspect of it with their brain. To us, sometimes it’s just sex. Like I said, this is probably karma. I’m going to end up alone. My music will eventually burn out and my fans will see me for the bastard I really am. I’ll lose my sex appeal and it will all go from their. I can just see it now.  “Tonight on E! news. Justin Timberlake. 30, burnt out, unloved and lonely.”  What a lovely ring it had to it.

I’m not saying I’m incapable of love because I am. I have had serious girlfriends and I’ve loved them from the depths of my toes all the way up to my diamond encrusted ears. It’s just always the same old story. Love burns out. I’ve been cheated on, I’ve been used, abused and it all ends the same way. What a pathetic life. Love is a bunch of bullshit now that I think about it. I’m turning into such a sad excuse for a man. I think I need a therapist or something.

I wish I knew where I got off that wonderful path that god has in store for me but I fear I may not find it again for a longtime, if ever. Something tells me I’ll always be a nomad, always drifting here to there and never have any type of direction. Music will always be my passion but there’s also times that I think I’d like passion in my love life. Yes, I’ve just completely contradicted myself but in all honesty, karma and all this bullshit aside, I want the real thing, to fall in love and to settle myself on one woman. To wake up one day and know that I won’t be tempted by any other girl because she’s the only one and gives me all I’ll ever need. I want to be happy and to be one hundred and fifty percent satisfied.  I just wish I didn’t find that possibility in the most inappropriate of ways. I wonder if I’ll ever make it that far or to that point in my life but right now, it’s not looking very promising.

I guess I should make a list. A ‘better your life’ type of list if you will. I need to get my shit together and buckle down and be a man. I know I’m  capable of anything as long as I put myself to it. I’ve come to learn that life throws us curve balls and we just have to roll with the punches.

I think the first part of this list is to not only be honest with other people, but to also be honest with myself and that would be admitting that it’s time to end it with my girlfriend, in person and publicly. I don’t think she’ll be all that shocked honestly. I’m sure she’s getting hers too while she’s over there in whatever country she’s in. I think that’s why we stayed together- because we’re a lot alike. We both play this dirty little Hollywood game. It’s not about love. It’s about sex, lies and how far you’ll go to get it and keep it covered up. I dig my cell phone out of my pocket and hit speed dial number 7 and wait for the phone to ring. I tell myself that this is the right thing to do and I’ll be alright in the end. Hell, I’ve survived it before. I need to get my shit together and it’s not like I haven’t already walked down this road, I can do it once again. Public break-up number fifty two, here I come.
 

Bittersweet Revelation
Part twelve

Shadows are fallin’ over town
Another night and these blues got me down
Oh’ misery, I sure could use some company
Since she’s been gone, I ain’t  been the same
I carry the weight like an old ball and chain
Guess it’s all meant to be
For love to cause me this misery

JC’s POV

I look around myself and really don’t recognize any of my surroundings. It seems having everything isn’t really everything. I tried to remember when and where my life took such a drastic turn like this but I cannot go back and place a finger on the specific moment. It seemed one second I was happy, I was working my ass off to put my music back out there, something people had been begging me to do for that last damn how many years and I told myself that if I committed to this, that I was going to do it right. And by doing so, that meant fighting for the things I knew would be like pulling teeth. Perfectionist, perfectionist. That’s always what I’ve been known for. So fucking be it. I’ll be forever asking myself if it was all really worth it in the end.

I know I need a shower right now but I really don’t give a shit. I’m in this funk, completely confused and not knowing which was is left or right. I’ve been drinking, yes- alcohol is the one thing that makes sense to me these days. It numbs the confusion, the hurt, the pain, hell- it makes life better. I thought I had a grasp on things and that I had the slightest bit of direction in my life but I feel as though someone slid the rug out from under me. It’s a bittersweet thing,  this life we live.

 I’ve tried to make light of things, tried to find some sense of it all but I can’t. I thought all I needed was a little bit of soul searching but in the end, I came out empty handed. I seriously want to crawl into a whole right now. It just seems one hundred times better. You’re probably thinking that I’ve lost this sense of being the mature, responsible one but right now, I could really give a shit less. Right now, I hurt and I’m lost as fuck. My gosh, I haven’t cussed like a sailor in forever and I’m gonna say that it feels kind of nice.

I’m throwing out the rule book for once and doing things my way. I’m sitting here basking in my self pity, not having a clue what direction my life is going to go in. I don’t have any solitude for musical career and just like everything else, it blows massively.

I thought I had everything worked out, that Erin and I were slowly making progress but once the reality of it hit that she was carrying my child, I felt like the earth was spinning on it’s axis and I was about to fly off at any second. Who in the hell would make me a father? Do I even believe that it’s my child she’s carrying? Well, in all honesty-- yes I do. It doesn’t make this okay though. Yeah we always talked about having a child together but that was before she slept with my best friend. Why out of all the fucking people in this world did it have to be Justin? I’ve tried to sew all my wounds, pick my dead leaves and move on but I can’t. All I see when I think of them together is him touching in her in ways that only I’ve done before. It makes me want to vomit.

All hatred aside, I constantly ask myself if I would be a good father? This child will be born into a world of cluster fuck, with drama that I know will never fully leave our lives. How is that fair? Is it fair that this child will have a father that probably won’t be around 90% of time? I just can’t see myself settling down, trying to pretend I’m not really hurt by all this, and love the baby and Erin as if we were some picket fence, happy go lucky family, because we sure as hell aren’t. I don’t’ know if I ever indent to marry Erin or if I can even see myself being with her again. All drama aside, I’m still hurting. I don’t want to use this child as an excuse to over look what really happened, no matter how many people tell me to suck it up and be a man. I haven’t told my parents yet, in fear that I just don’t even know where to begin. This story comes with so much background detail, so much mistruths and wrong doings, so much hopeful forgiveness and possibilities that it’d be kind of a shocker to drop at the end, “Oh guess what, I’m going to be a father.”

Yeah fucking right.

I don’t see things ever being right with Justin again because no matter what happens, I’d always be looking over my shoulder and that’s no way to live. I believe Erin when she says that this was just a one time thing but a part of me has this nagging feeling that theirs more to it. I used to think of Justin as a pretty reasonable guy so something tells me he has his own side to this story. He’s never stuck me as the type to just ‘randomly screw his best friends girl.’ Damn, that tastes bitter on my tongue.

All I can say about this is shit, shit and more shit. When did my life get so screwed up? I wish I could rewind that last six months of my life and replay it in slow motion and take my steps as slow as gravity will let me. I’m trying to wonder where everything went wrong. Always sitting here wondering.

I cringe as I take a swish from the bottle as the brown liquid burns down my throat but once it settles, it feels good. Finally, something that makes sense. I know in a few more swigs that I’ll forget everything. I’ll forget about being screwed over, about being a horrible boyfriend and causing Erin’s cheating, about my best friend stabbing me smack dab in the middle of the back, about my ex girlfriend being pregnant with my child and being scared shitless about being a father, about everything. I really don’t want to deal with it. I don’t want to be a man and suck it up and face the harsh truths and take everything slowly and sort it out as I go. I just don’t have the energy.

I feel guilty enough as it is, seeing how I haven’t spoken to Erin since I dropped her off at home the day she was released from the hospital and that was almost two months ago. She knew I needed time, I just never specified how long. I still think about her, and I have my moments of wanting to see her. I wonder how the baby’s doing and if she gets sick all of the time like I know most pregnant women do. Part of me thinks I should be there or her but a part of me still hurts and I feel as though I have every right to be. After all, she screwed my best friend while she was carrying my baby. Sick, sick, sick. Stop this world because I really want to get off.

I stumble a little as I rise from the couch I was sitting on and curse to myself as I drop the bottle in my hands and spill some of the brown liquid on my white expensive carpet. Shit. Way to go Chasez. I stumble into my bathroom, leaning heavily against the marble sink and I take in my appearance and cringe at the reflection that greets me. I’ve grown about a week of stubble, my eyes are sunken in and dark circles lay beneath them, my always chiseled cheekbones as more defined because I really could care less about eating these days and my once well groomed hair has taken on a curly mind of it’s own. I look like hell.

Splashing some water across my face, I try to wake myself up, even if it’s just a little bit but just like I’d wished, I really didn’t feel anything. Good. The numbing was starting to take affect.  The feeling was becoming addicting. Maybe just a little bit longer and I’d start to forget everything.

I turn around, placing my hands on the handle of the door, trying to steady myself and continuing my journey towards my bedroom where I just want to crawl into my bed and dissolve. My eyes squint slightly, blinking as I try to make out the form laying in my bed. I don’t remember much about last night, if anything but I know I’d recognize a naked back facing me, half her body covered by a sheet. Soberness hits me like a ton of bricks and I know one thing and one thing only as my stomach churns. That naked back isn’t Erin’s. I feel the tears sting the back of my eyes and throat is slowly closing, the alcohol begging for me to let it free, and fast. Tell me that I didn’t just fuck up every possible chance of  ever fixing the broken pieces to my messed up life?  I think I’m going to be sick.

Bittersweet Revelation
Part Thirteen-I

I've dealt with my ghosts and faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
Ive found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once Im at peace with myself
Ive been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
Im movin on


I’m sitting here in the doctors office, tapping my foot repeatedly against the stirrups they have me in, waiting for my doctor to walk in any second. My hand goes to the ever present bulge known as my stomach and it still shocks me till this day that I am pregnant and going to be a mother in less than two months. I will my eyes to stop the sting that’s nagging them, knowing that someone else should be here with me, holding my hand and excited to see if we can find out the sex of our soon to be child-- but he’s not. The baby’s been uncooperative when trying to find out what it is and I figured maybe this once, with it’s father here that he or she would show off and maybe we’d be able to find out.

Yes, JC called me a few weeks ago, nice as ever and willing to ‘work’ on things and see where they would go. This was suppose to be our neutral meeting place, the first time I wouldn’t have seen him since everything happened. A part of me thought that he’d had his time to think and maybe even mature a little bit but I know now that nothing has changed. He promised me he’d be here and it appears that he’s not going to show at all. Wonderful. I’m trying to tell myself that everything happens for a reason. All drama aside, I know I’ve messed up and I’m dealing with that but my number one priority is the baby that’s growing inside of me. He or she has been kicking like crazy today, making her appearance known every time I might forget that it’s in there. I swear this baby will be a gymnast.

I pick up a magazine on the table beside me, looking for something to keep me occupied while I sit here and wait some more. Jesus, what’s taking this doctor so long? I leaf through the recent  US Weekly and my eyes widen at the main story inside the index. It’s Justin. I might throw up. I scan over it some more, shocked that I’m actually reading what I think I am. “Justin Timberlake calls it quits with Hollywood Beauty.”  He broke up with her? Wow. I never thought he’d actually take it that far. I continue scanning the magazine and roll my eyes as I read what is ‘rumored’ to have happened. Justin cheated, oh my gosh. Like she didn’t do the same. Hollywood is such a dirty place to live. People live to stab you in the back. I still can’t stop thinking about the fact that Justin is now single. I haven’t spoken to him since, well you know. He’s called me but I’ve never answered when he did.

My cell phone has had plenty of messages from him and each time I listen, it takes me a lot of will power not to call him back but a part of me feels that it’s still betraying Jace. Justin still has no idea I’m pregnant, or at least I don’t think he does. Something tells me that he and JC have yet to speak to one another and I highly doubt that’d be one of the first topics of conversation. As far as I’m concerned, JC has no claim over me either. If he can’t make the effort to be a part of me and this baby’s life, I shouldn’t make the effort either. Life is way too short for this cat and mouse game.

Goodness. I sigh in relief as my doctor finally makes her way into the room, pulling my gown up and measuring my belly and poking around on it before she turns the lights off to begin my ultrasound. I really want to know what I’m having. By the look on her face, I can tell she’s going to warn me about my stress level and remind me that whatever stress I go through, isn’t good for the baby and can cause problems. I assure her that I’m doing my best and have been following everything she’s been telling me to do and taking those disgusting vitamins she gave me. I’m trying here. Fatherless or not, this baby will be loved and have the best life I can give he or she. I’m not the least bit concerned about myself.

***

I press my hand into my back, as I reach down and grab more border. I don’t know why I waited so long to decorate the baby’s room but it was something I got the urge to do as soon as I got home from my doctors appointment. My motherly instincts are kicking in. My child must have my sense of stubbornness because I still do not know the sex. I hope this baby likes light green and ducks for a color and theme. I refuse to paint it one color or another because I know either way, I’d end up with the opposite gender and I don’t want my baby growing up with an identity crisis.  

I wipe the sweat from my brow before I finally give up. I really am too pregnant to be doing this. I’ve only gained twenty five pounds and I know a lot of people hate me for it but I feel like a cow. My thoughts are distracted by a knock on my door. It’s weird living on my own and not having Jace around but at the same time, the independence feels really good. I waddle to the door, expecting it to be a friend or one of my sisters but the person standing in front of me, hands nervously in the pockets of his jeans, blue t-shirt sitting perfectly on his shapely frame has me on automatic mute.

It’s Justin.

The first thing that comes to my mind is how in the heck did he find out where I lived? My thoughts are put on pause as he shifts from one foot to another before he begins to speak.

“Hey.”

It’s a simple opener but why is my heart about to beat out of my chest?

 “Hi.” It’s equally simple. I take a deep breath. No stress. Stress is bad. Think of the baby.

He scratches the back of his head nervously. His hair is shorter than I remember  but the new look suits him.

“Can I come in?” He looks behind me, cautiously making sure no ones here. I know who he’s looking for.

I glance down at my stomach, it’s covered by my hooded sweatshirt so I guess it’s not obvious. I’m fine with that. Some things need to be eased into, right? Still I don’t know if I can do this. Talking leads to drama. Drama leads to stress and who knows what might happen after that. I always seem to step into trouble with Justin.

“Um, I guess so.” I move back from the door, allowing him step inside as I shut the door. I silently curse myself as a small breeze of his cologne meets my senses. Damn him for smelling so good. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea.

“Thanks. You’re place is really nice.”  He’s still looking around curiously, his hands still in his pockets. Jesus, do I make him that nervous?

“Thank you. How’d you find out I moved?”  I really want to know. How much does he know?

“I saw one of your sisters the other night. She mentioned it.” He looks down at the floor, eyeing it like it’s the most amazing thing he’s ever seen before looking up again. “Okay, I asked her.”

I lead us into the living room and motion for him to sit down, doing the same-- or more like plopping onto the couch. He’s sitting across the room from me. Distance is good.

“What for?”  I keep my tone light. I’m not here to yell at him. He didn’t do anything wrong. Well he did but it took the both of us. Ugh, I’m getting annoyed.

He swallows, and I can see his Adams apple move with ease, his elbows resting on his knees. “We just kind of left things unspoken. I called you. Didn’t you ever think I deserved some sort of explanation?”

“I cheated on my boyfriend Justin. It’s ruined everything.”

“I cheated on my girlfriend-- for you.”

What the hell? I don’t like where this is going.

“For me? What are you talking about? What we did was wrong.”

He licks his lips in that obsessive way he does. This was a really bad idea.

“Do you really think that Erin? Did you think I’d ruin everything between a man that’s like my brother and rip apart whatever mess was between my girlfriend and I just for nothing?”

“What are you trying to say, Justin?” I’m really confused as to where he’s going with this. I’m always wrong.

“I cared about you, Erin. I mean that.”

I look down, taking a deep breath. It feels like oxygen is scarce right now. Breath, Erin. Just breathe.

“I don’t know what you want me to say. Everything is messed up.”

He eyes my sympathetically before he gets up and moves to the seat beside me. I really don’t like where this is going. He has intentions in his eyes that I’m not sure I can handle. What I need right now is a friend.

His big hand reaches out to touch mine before he pulls it back quickly. The look of warning I gave him did what it was suppose to do.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to mess things up for you and Jace. I didn’t mean to make everything fall apart.”

I blink back the tears that I know want to fall. It stings really bad.

“I’m sorry too.”

His long fingers go to the bridge of his nose, pinching it as his eyes fall shut for a second. Not long after that, their looking back at me, piercing right through me. I hate the affect he has on me.

“Are you sorry about what happened between us?”

Oh gosh. Why’d he have to ask me that? I want to cry and throw up all at the same time. What a lovely combination. I shift on the couch, suddenly uncomfortable. Silence seems to tick by forever before I can speak. My mind is giving me a rundown, looking at everything in slow motion, analyzing it and studying it from every aspect. I think of what things were like with JC and what I felt from it and then my mind quickly flashes back to my brief time with Justin. In every moment that was wrong, it was a time in my life where I did feel cherished. I wasn’t just a convenient body to him, but he took his time and gave me what I needed and I did the same for him. I could over analyze the situation a million times and look at it in different ways and always find the wrong but a part of me feels that maybe-- a small part of it, even it’s so small to the point of nonexistent-- that maybe it was right and happened for a reason. Just maybe.

I run my hand nervously through over my hair, taking the time to look away as I tighten the pony tail sitting on top of my head before I look back and blink and it’s all like slow motion again.

“No, Justin. I’m not.”

He let’s out a breath of air and I can tell he’s been holding it in forever now. It feels kind of good to say it. I can tell he’s relieved and I can honestly say I am too because he did need to know that. It was important to me for him to know that I didn’t use him. Still it doesn’t change anything between us.

“Good. I’m not either.” He inches closer, and I want to move away but I can’t. We still have distance between us with him in the chair and myself on the couch. Yes. Distance is good. “I broke up with--.”

“I know. I saw.”

“You helped me realized I needed to do that a long time ago.”

What the heck am I suppose to say to that? The girl was a good friend but truth be told, she was a lousy girlfriend. Not that I’m one to talk. “Good, I think.”

“You did Erin. She wasn’t right for me. And it just proved to be the right thing to do when I walked in on her and some guy she was working on a movie with.”

Ew. She was even more classy than I thought. Cheating is one thing. Getting caught in broad day light is another. “I’m sorry Justin.”

“Stop saying that. I’m not. Things happen for a reason.”

“Yeah. So what all did my sister have to tell you once she told you where I moved.”

He coughed in that nervous way again and this is getting to be too much. I’m not going to shoot him. The tension is way to thick for my aura.

“She just said that you’d moved into your own condo and that things with you and um-- you and JC were kind of non existent right now.”

“Yeah. I guess that’s the best way to put it. It’s all my fault though. I messed everything up. I live with it every day.”

He did move right then, crossing that invisible line of personal space. His hand had suddenly reached for mine, strong and seeping with a sudden bought of confidence.

“Don’t you dare let all the blame fall on yourself, Erin. Yeah you messed up but it happens. I messed up do. We all make some mistakes in our lives but don’t for one second think this is all on you. Jace brought this on himself and trust me when I say this. He’s so far from perfect that it’s not even funny. You can’t have all this blame on you. It’s just not fair at all.”

“I never thought he was perfect but I know theirs more to that story.”

His hand squeezed a little tighter in my mine but I know he feels like he opened up a can of worms, still I want answers.

“Don’t ask me to dig up his demons. Just trust me. He’s not perfect.”

I know what that means and for some reason, it doesn’t make me feel any better about the situation but a part of me isn’t surprised. I was never good enough. Plain and simple. Our entire relationship was all a crock of crap. All of the times I thought I loved him or we made love, all feel like a lie now. Wonderful. “Yeah, go figure.”

And now, of all times, my child takes this moment to kick me right in the ribs, causing all the air in my lungs to leave quickly, causing me to gasp.

He leans forward, his hand dropping to my leg where it rests warm and heavy.

“Are you alright?”

I nod weekly, taking a few deep breaths. I don’t want him to know. Not right now. A part of me is almost scared to tell him.

“Just a stomach ache.”

He begins slow, soothing strokes on my leg and I hate that he has this affect on me, always willing to calm me down.

“Can I get you anything?”

My eyes follow his hand, staring at it blankly.

“No. I’m fine.”

He nods, finally looking a little relaxed. Thank god. I can’t stand another moment of awkwardness floating through my home. “Good. You’d let me know if you weren’t?”

I smile weakly and nod again. I either am seriously blessed because he hasn’t noticed that I’m over seven months pregnant or he’s just one of those dens men who don’t noticed things like that. Maybe he thinks I’ve just gained weight? Or maybe it’s all just hidden by this miracle sweat shirt. According to my sisters, all my weight is in my boobs and stomach. And it looks like I swallowed ‘a small basketball’ as they so charmingly put it.

His hand still hasn’t left my leg yet and it’s suddenly making me uncomfortable again.

“So seriously Justin, what are you doing here?” Yeah, I’m a bitch.

He pulls his hand away, suddenly insecure with himself and I hate it that I made him feel that way. Still, things are so up in the air. I use my evil words as self defense.

“I missed you, Erin. I don’t know what you think happened between us but it meant something to me. Yeah the circumstances were bad but I don’t just sleep around with my best friends girl for the hell of it. Something was drawing me to you. I took that feeling and went with it.”

And there goes all the saliva in my mouth and I can’t speak. I shouldn’t have let him in here. I shouldn’t have let him say this stuff to me. I tell my brain to shut up, feeling like if I respond in any way shape or form that I might have felt the same way, that it makes me the biggest creep in the world. Still at the same time, Justin’s words from earlier are echoing in my brain. ‘He’s so far from perfect, it’s not even funny.’  I guess I can only ignore the reality of things for so long.

“I missed you too Justin.” He smiles at this, but stays where he is. “But--.”

“Why does their always have to be a but?”

I shrug helplessly as I pull away from his grasp. I need breathing room. Yeah, that’s it.

“I just-, things are kind of insane right now. I’m trying to deal with all of-things.” I caught myself. This is hard not to spill the beans. “I’m still messed up from everything and it’s going to take me some time.”

He nodded and stood up, pacing the length of the room. I can tell I’ve just stomped on any intentions he had in coming here.

Finally, he stops and turns around. “Can I call you?”

I can only smell trouble, still I can’t stop my response. “I guess so.”

He smiles slightly, and I know he can tell I’m hesitant. “A phone call isn’t a death sentence, Erin.”

I stand, joining him and rolling my eyes. He eyes me funny and I pull my hoodie around my stomach so it’s looser. I don’t like that curious stare. “Gee, thanks for the info.”

He laughs and stands beside me as I walk to the door and it’s a silent agreement that he’s going to leave. His heels are hot on mine, so close that I can smell him again and I curse him for wearing something that makes me just want to rip his clothes off and have my wicked way with him.

He turns to me suddenly and once again it’s a little hard to breath. I haven’t had any kind of closeness since he and I did-- well you know. I haven’t attempted to date and forget about JC being there through any of this. I tell myself he’s busy. It makes it hurt a little less. Still, Justin’s standing here and I’m mentally cursing myself for thinking the things I am. He was always the best at the closeness. Never clingy but always good a giving you a hug right when you needed it. Even when we were friends, before everything happened, that was his best quality. That and making me laugh.

He stares at me for a bit before his hand is raised to my cheek and I swear he’s going to kiss me right about now and I might hyperventilate. But he doesn’t, instead his thumb goes to my cheek where it smudges across my skin slightly. He looks at me funny but his eyes are still hazed over, that deep penetrating gaze looking back at me.

“You’ve got paint on you’re face.”

I figured I looked like shit but now this has just been confirmed.

“I was painting the ba- the guest room.”

He looks at me funny but nods and smiles. Smooth move, exlax. I could have just opened this biggest can of worms ever. Still I feel like I don’t owe him anything, and that this information wouldn’t do any good when I have no idea where this-- whatever is between Justin and I is going, if anything. I don’t want to see the hurt or the fear on his beautiful face and I don’t want to sit and analyze every single damn thing. I want to live my life and keep my baby healthy.

“Painting, huh? I like your place. It’s homey.”

“You already said that.” I laugh slightly trying to ease the tension but he hasn’t moved. Maybe I’m the only one that feels the nervousness. I wouldn’t be surprised.

“Well I’m going to say it again.” He rolls his eyes and licks his lips again. Why is it now so intriguing to me? Hormones. That’s it. Keep telling yourself that.

His arms envelope me in a big hug, holding me tightly against him and even though he’s pushing my baby into my bladder like no tomorrow, it feels good. His arms have always been safe and  made me feel something I can’t explain. Putting all confusion and drama aside, I let myself savor the feeling, knowing it’s probably going to be a long time before I have anything like this again.

He pulls away slightly and I already miss the feeling. Still, even if it’s just a simple gesture, I want him to know. “Thanks. I needed that.”

He smiles as he leans in and I’m almost positive that he’s going to kiss me this time but my thoughts turn out only half true. He lips grave softly over my forehead , brushing the flesh quickly before he pulls back. “I did too. I’ll call soon. I promise.”

I nod, letting him know I heard him as I step back an open the door. He takes one glance back before he winks and exits. I take another deep breath, cursing the thoughts that are once again, mocking me in my head before I close the door and lean against it.

I’m trying to get a grasp on all of this. After all this time, he showed up at my door, acting charming as ever. I hate myself for feeling anything from all of this but the more I think about it, the more it doesn’t seem so bad. Justin is right. I need to stop blaming myself for all of this. Even if this turns out to be nothing, I could always use a friend.

I walk back down the hallway, eager to get back to finishing the baby’s room when I hear my cell phone ring on the ladder where I’d left it. I glance at it, reading the caller I.D. before it feels like all of the wind has been knocked out of me again. Shit. I really don’t need this right now.